#idk what my brain is on. some bs thats for sure.

[yingren]

small tag psa.

my ship tags are bothering me again by just not looking clean enough so i'm going to put them on hold for a little while. borrowing the idea from a handful of my mutuals to just tag things with urls until further notice. i'll add a "." at the end of the url tag and that'll be the ship tag for now. i feel like tagging asks and the first post of a thread is not worth the headache. you can easily find an ask by searching your url on my blog anyway.

so to be clear: regular tag for all threads and asks: #url tag for quotes, imgs, funny posts, music, etc for a ship: #url.

figuring out what to do with multis but for now i'll do the same for them cause obsessing over tags is killing my mood to write anything at all which is stupid as hell because it shouldn't matter at all but my brain is a machine that turns one tiny thing i don't like into a huge problem :)

[sethdomain]

The finale is weird. not even sure what c!drunzs canonical goal was... reset the server but also maintain balance

Cdream kept saying he was shocked by ctommy targeting him even though he's the one who caused that to happen.

Cpunz being sympathetic to ctommy in the egg arc yet suddenly he is mocking his sui attempt and enabling cdream

idk either if im being honest i've wiped clean the memory of the nuke stream, the finale is such a writing mess my brain decide to always forgot about it.

c!drm justification has always been bs, its just his excuse to justify his horrible action and assure his sense of self-righteousness.

cPunz as a character has been a bit wonky per say, cause for some reason his motive changes so much, like its retconned to the point of confusion if yk what i mean. You can't really tell who he's rooting for and not in a way that is intentional. Thats why i just made up whatever the fuck he was doing to make the writing more smoother, i love making up my own lore! #happiness

[abyssmalice]

// 4.2 story genshin spoilers

(alright everyone...................... time for my story Thonkies)

(so overall: it was a p good story, i feel like it wrapped up fontaine's overall story well enough.

emphasis on "well enough" bc i do feel like some parts of it were very, uh, how do i put it. "bullshitty" is a harsh word but there were def moments, especially when it was dropping exposition, that felt like the writers were kinda just pulling things out of their ass in order to explain things and therefore come up with a solution to conclude everything. in the vein of "X thing exists!! we're just telling you it exists Now, like 5 mins into the finale, without almost zero buildup to it" sort of vibe.

at least, i think i need to go over the prophecy and the heavenly principles stuff with a fine-toothed comb again later........ because the exposition on that felt very "just take us at our word for it" like when you think about it, How does the heavenly principles actually enact the prophecy? especially when the story outright throws a "the root of the prophecy's effects is the whale"?? the implication is that the prophecy and all it entails is "fated", and thus, it's not that the heavens literally orchestrated the whale and stuff (well unless they want to prove me wrong on that in the next couple of AQs) - but that they have the ability to manipulate or enforce "fate". the "law" of the world and all that bs essentially. and fontaine's fate was meant to be that prophecy, leaving the finer details up to whatever actually happens.

BUT THIS STILL TAKES A BIT OF THINKING TO FIGURE OUT AND ALSO KINDA FEELS WEIRDLY OUT OF NOWHERE AND ITS LIKE, AS A WRITER I THINK IT'S COOL BUT ALSO GOD DAMN DID IT FEEL LIKE IT CAME OUT OF JUST NOWHERE-

anyway, this isn't to say the AQ was bad. no, i honestly think it was really good, i genuinely liked it, even if i feel like the execution of some parts was. weird. essentially lmao

.

ANYWAY THATS MY ONLY REAL MAJOR GRIPE, LET ME GET INTO THE STUFF I ENJOYED THE HELL OUT OF:

aka fuwina........... ;A;

like ok girl, you win, ill roll for you. i am so fucking rolling for you once i have the primos-

the entire "acting" scene by scene.......... oh my god, it was so good, you really feel for her. i was utterly bawling my eyes out the entire time, personally. also idk about the other languages, but jp furina takes the fucking cake for me - all of her dialogue where she isn't putting up a front is voiced so softly, almost childishly—it really hammers in the point that furina really was, as focalors put it, "naive and inexperienced as my first day as a human" when first created - she was split into existence and purposefully left clueless on some knowledge (like focalors' plan for the prophecy) and lacking in any magical powers that could be considered godlike, hence human, and not-all-knowing or all-powerful as a god. a true human, a newborn young human.

in essence, a child thrust into the role of acting as something more than that, with dire consequences if that role was not played to perfection, with seemingly no end; any normal person would be crumbling under such weight, and furina more so as someone who, in the context of her own situation, didn't even know what the "plan" entailed besides what focalors' said - all she had was pure turned desperate belief that it would turn out okay because the other-her said so.

(i can already hear tonitoni awkwardly trying to share a juice box in the back of my brain.............. something something the solidarity of young girls thrust into positions of power without quite knowing what they were getting into years down the line but they knew there was something on the line and they would do what they can for those they loved and a god looked upon them and said, follow what i say, and everything will be well-)

anyway i havent played furina's story quest yet so thats all the fuwina thonks i have, but i sure hope it doesnt make me bawl again........

.

my other big thonks def have to do with the whale and the events around it (of course they do, what kinda blog is this again? tonitoni blog? yes and no)

i think the fight was pretty cool, tho i want to know why the actual hell we fought. that thing. inside the whale. besides the rule of cool factor. like is there a reason that was in there in the first place?? also why do some of its aoe attacks look like vishaps are trying to attack you.................... hey, what's going on here man......................

also the way skirk tosses not just choldee but also the whale into an abyssal-looking crack. like, ill get to childe in a second, but let me focus on how she actually just sucks the whale into a suspiciously quantum-looking ball before tossing it aside. (please tell me we're getting a quantum element. bc. maybe. that. that means. i-imaginary element.................. PLEASE I WANT TO GIVE MY TONIS AN EXCUSE TO SECRETLY HAVE EITHER QUANTUM OR IMAGINARY AS ONE OF THEIR ELEMENTS PLEAAAAAAASE-)

and skirk herself is still a pretty mysterious character, despite all the lore dumping she did. p much the only primary things strictly related to her character is that: 1) she has her own greater-scope master 2) is very much strength-focused (300 million swings........... yeah, i see where childe gets it now), 3) and bc of said views on the strong and the weak, she will only consider others her equal (and therefore, humor them at all) if they display truly exceptional strength (see: "without using powers from beyond this world")

(this also makes me think skirk would not even bother to blink at smol toni, but may in fact consider tol toni at least somewhat "an equal" due to that toni surviving millennia in the abyss due to a mixture of insanely stubborn determination + her actual elemental powers come purely from the leylines/irminsul and nothing else, so any honed skill is both technique and teyvat-related power. thooooo, considering the lore also says that the primordial one created the human realm and its leylines (which should implicate the irminsul too, considering it's also found in the abyss aka beyond the world itself??), well....... god fucking knows on that one really.

FUCK I WISH THE LORE ON LEYLINES AND IRMINSUL WASNT SO MESSED UP IN LOGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MESSING ME UP AS SOMEONE WHOSE MUSES' LORE RELIES ON THIS!!!!!!!)

anyway, i really want to know the logic behind her just. throwing childe. into the hole along with mr whale in a ball. im guessing, the implication is that it's just like, a random abyssal portal that will presumably spit out the whale into an abyssal garbage dump while childe will be sent somewhere he can be retrieved (and taken back to snezhnaya, thank god, tonitoni would never let him hear the end of it if her brother got thrown into ANOTHER unreachable destination after two AQs of being thrown into jail and then into a sealed sea).

still a weird jarring moment though, i agree with everyone on that........... really weird.

BUT HEY, AT LEAST WE HAVE WORD FOR WORD DIALOGUE SAYING CHILDE IS SUPER STRONG AND FOUGHT THAT STUPID WHALE FOR AGES ESSENTIALLY, i want no more complaints on how strong and cool he is (i am saying this bc toni will never say it but i know she'd want to say it but would hate saying it so im saying it for her)

.

there's some more stuff i wanna say, esp re: the third descender and the gnosis stuff, + some extra thonkies about "fate" esp in the context of my tonitonis. and with the fontaine AQ wrapped up here, i can probs start to safely figure out the full fontaine timeline for smol toni - but ill leave all that in a separate thonkie post)

[nablah]

OK!! so all throughout finals week i kept thinking about alceste because of The Pain and radiation therapy because of The Exam, so my brain combined them, voila alceste set in the radiology department (nicky as far as niche things go this is surely something)

Alceste is a type of Orfeo ed Euridice: you have the beloved who's not quite dead and the lover whose actions that bring about the story can only stem from their love. You have the somewhat present god who offers a bargain to the lover to bring back the beloved from the dead. And finally you have the clause of not telling the beloved about the bargain. ANYWAY. That's the 3 main elements.

So the Alceste set in the radiology department would primarily incorporate the Euripidean origins of the opera while retaining some ties to show the interpretation in the modern world. We keep the Euripidean """fantastical"""" world because like Orfeo, Alceste represents a fantasy: to bring someone from the dead. You've got Alceste and Admeto who are idk rad tech / medical physicist because they hold relative power in the radiology dept but they dont over matters of life and death. Admeto is dying etc etc except now the context is radiation induced (btw dyk they have this estimate for how long radiation professionals cut down their lives and its BS at this point but y'know. Stochastic effects) which presents something interesting to me because radiation induced means he brought it on himself, like the myth and the play, and also because treating it only means he'll survive and most likely die of it later, when he's older. So it's a terminal thing at least. So Alceste gets the news and its already all blurring into a picture where the foreground is still the hospital, probably Admeto is on a LINAC, but the backdrop is a combination of ancient greece and a hospital. It's dreamlike, because again, its a fantasy, either the audience's or Alceste's.

So the oracle proclaims the bargain etc etc no one will die for Admeto (both in a hospital setting and in Thessaly). She just goes on prepping the machine maybe while she makes the bargain in the forest. NOW HERES WHY I KNOW THIS WORKS AS A SETTING. As a rad tech she has to administer the dose, i.e. she gives the treatment to her husband while she herself is exposed to radiation i.e. she's trading her life for his. it's a long term commitment tho which she probably assumes but the shades tell her she's going to die right there and then she asks for time. insert acute radiation syndrome, maybe on the GI system (i'll explain later!!). Back in the hospital Admeto is feeling better (disclaimer unfortunately this doesnt happen irl the client will most likely feel nauseous after a treatment round) and yay theyre rejoicing but bam Alceste's feeling sick (in radiation sickness GI system level this is what we call the manifest illness stage. the latent stage for GI ARS can last a few hours to days) so the relief that turns into horror scene goes thru and Admeto leaves to bargain with the gods. or the doctors. Alceste is reaching the end of the manifest illness stage and this is followed by either recovery or death. She's being given transfusions supportive care etc all until the 3rd act. Admeto is outside the room because its ARS and thats a major safety breach. Theyre mourning outside with the kids and with Alceste inside and then bam she dies. cue the mourning again and Admeto goes mad, maybe tries to get into the room where her body is and then Apollo deux ex machina saves everyone Alceste recovers (you can recover from GI ARS with proper care) and the opera finishes. Theyre both permanently disabled btw, but theyre alive.

If you read until here you may have noticed this was just a major infodump on radiation safety and radiation induced effects. Dont play with radiation :)) even if its for an opera!

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[the-rawr-ster]

Words for Proheroes, UA staff, and All For One

Warning: lots of cursing, minor spoilers, mentions of abuse, harsh words, and lots of yelling, and also mentions of suicide, depression, ptsd, ect.

Any of the characters I mention, I say I hate but I don’t and understand they’re human so they make mistakes. I also know they already know that I’m right and probably feel super shitty. I still want to put my two sense in.

So I made a post and some comments on tik tok about hero society in MHA. I didn’t get everything I wanted to say so here’s just a ranting dump about several characters and groups.

The only heroes actually can respect are Miruko Hawks. Let me explain why. Hawks literally called out the heros on their BS speeches. Which I really admire. He’s blunt, which is an extremely respectable trait to me in most cases. And he’s very passionate about the work he does. He cares about people but unfortunately because of how he was brought up (manga spoilers here stop before you spoil it for yourselves). Just like many of 1-A, but also very different, he was quite literally raised to be a tool used by the military for their bullshit. And I think this might have changed based on who saved him. As many of you might know, Hawks grew up in an extremely toxic environment, I won’t get into the nitty gritty deets. The one that got him out of that was Endeavor, his favorite hero. He was his favorite hero growing up. But that only goes so far. Hawks respect for Endeavor (like many of his fans) was because he wasn’t fake, he didn’t pretend to like people, he didn’t pretend to smile. Endeavor was very different from many of the other heroes (horrible father and husband though (an okay hero though, which I think is part of why Stain hadn’t killed Endeavor even though he had plenty of opportunities)). Now we haven’t seen much of Miruko as far as I know, but just from her couple of minutes on screen in the anime, we can already guess that she respected Hawks. She likes how Hawks rolls. He’s confident, laid back, and he’s not a bullshitter. And just for that I can respect her. I also think Bakugō should be the number one hero but that’s a story for another time. I also have respect for Sir Night Eye and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you why because you can figure it out.

Now let’s get down to why I fucking hate hero society. Let’s just start off with the fact that it’s almost identical to how it would be if superpowers existed. There would be quirk discrimination, there would be people that abused their powers, ect. Ect. But most of all, heros get away with anything (much like cops irl). They use violence to stop violence, which goes completely against what heroes say. And we see this with All might a lot. Heros with flashy powers get noticed more than others. YOU SENT CHILDREN TO WAR!!!! THAT IS IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM OKAY!!! THOSE CHILDREN ARE FOREVER GOING TO BE TRAUMATIZED BY THAT SHIT! And I understand that at some point they’d have experienced something, but when they chose to be heroes it was a time of piece, but then for whatever reason everything went south. Regardless, these kids brains are still developing, idk how but this will definitely change the way their brain develops. Honestly I’d be surprised if none of them ended up commiting. I don’t want them to but in their mental state they’d at least be thinking about it. I actually wrote a fic about a pro-hero commiting. I could write an essay on why heroes suck balls, but that’ll be done another time).

As much as I’d like to talk about each individual hero, I really want to talk about UA students and Staff, and why the staff sucks potato juice.

Let’s start with the obvious one, Nezu. HOW DO DOZENS OF VILLAINS INFILTRATE ONE OF THE MOST PRESTIGIOUS SCHOOLS? THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE, obviously your security system fucking sucks. NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU ONLY HIRED ALL MIGHT BECAUSE OF HIS STATUS AS A HERO!!!! HES A HORRIBLE TEACHER!!!! AND NOT ONLY THAT BUT YOU ALLOWED ALL OF YOUR STUDENTS TO BE PUT ON BLAST FOR MILLIONS TO SEE, talkin bout some “We HaVe SoMe Of ThE bEsT heRoeS.” THATS bullshit because y’all lost an entire child to a lizard, a magician that puts people in marbles, and a musty old man with blue flames. If y’all produce the best heroes, y’all wouldn’t have lost Bakugō in the first place. AND WHY DO YOU LET MIDNIGHT WALK AROUND WITH SEX TOYS????! And you put all of your students in one place for all the LoV to have access to them. Yes there’s security, BUT SERIOUSLY? WILL YOU EVER LEARN?????

Next, is Present Mike, I love you man but HOW DID YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TELLING EVERYBODY AND THEY MAMA THE NAMES AND QUIRKS OF THE STUDENTS???!!!! Like Nezu may have enabled it but you could have chosen to not do it.

Aizawa, OH SIR DO I HAVE WORDS FOR YOU. I’m sure you might already know this, but you should know I know. You’re one of the worst teachers, coming to a close second to last place on my list of horrible UA staff. First of all, you hardly taught your students proper combat training. That’s one of the most basic skills every hero needs. You’re slacking dawg (sorry for the disrespect Hound dog). Secondly, HOW DO YOU CONSISTENTLY LOSE YOUR STUDENTS? HOW DO THEY ALWAYS END UP OUT OF YOUR SIGHT? Like you’re really good at hero’s stuff but you’re slacking as a teacher. And why? Why haven’t you punished Mineta yet? It’s literally as clear as a sunny day that he’s a pervert. He is consistently making inappropriate comments and sexually harassed/assaulted several of your other students, and this is outside the LoV attacks, while you were on duty. Oh and let’s not forget about you emotionally manipulating your students!!! YOUR STUDENTS!!!!!! Needless to say I have a hate love relationship because I know he cares for his students and is not prone to favoring, unlike some *cough cough* all might.

MIDNIGHT, I respect your drip and your feminism. I just hate how you were written. YOU LITERALLY WALK AROUND WITH SEX TOYS!!! What do you even do? Like what’s your job at UA? I see you so often but like, what is your purpose? I love you though, and I wish you’d step on me.

ALL MIGHT, OMG I HATE YOU ALMOST AS MUCH AS I HATE ENDEAVOR!! FAVORITISM FAVORITISM FAVORITISM!!!! OMG IT IS SO PREVELANT IN YOUR “teaching.” You treat Deku so differently from the way you treat Bakugō. And I understand that they’re different so they have to be taught differently, by HOLY HELL! You borderline cheered for Deku when he fought with Bakugō. AND YOURE A SHITTY HERO FOR THE WAY YOU TALKED TO DEKU WHEN YOU FIRST MET HIM!! What if he didn’t grab onto you? What if he did what Bakugō said and jumped? You’d be responsible for that in a sense, because you made him feel worse than he already did. I respect you for being upfront with him, and that’s not what the issue here is. Deku was clearly emotionally unstable!!! You didn’t even teach him how to use his quirk, HES BARELY EVEN 16, how does that make sense to you? Anyways moving on to my biggest pet peeve with you, YOU PUT MY BOY IN CHAINS AND A MUZZLE KNOWING DAMN WELL THAT HE WAS FUCKING TRAUMATIZE, WAY TO GOT MR.NO.1 HERO!!! WAY TO FUCKING GO!!! AND THEN EVERYONE JUST SAT THERE AND WATCHED!!!! YOU COULD HAVE HANDLED THE SITUATION BETTER!!!!! HE WAS CLEARLY NOT OKAY WITH IT!!!! DO BETTER! YOU HUMILIATED HIM IN FRONT OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS!!! THE LoV treated him better and they didn’t even know about his trauma!!!! I have so much to say about all might, and some of them are positive too but I’ll probably do a post on that next Wednesday, but for now we’ll be critiquing. HOW DID YOU EVEN BECOME A TEACHER? I feel like there should be more qualifications than being a good hero. BUT ANYWAYS, YAK my whole deal with this man.

Those are all the UA staff I really have beef with, but I also love their characters and how they were written. Now onto my beef with some of these parents.

Mistuki: You’re really the only parent I hate. I understand Bakugō tried to hit you, but where the fuck do you think he got it from? He didn’t become violent and aggressive out of the blue. He got that shit from you. And will you please get your son some hearing aides, my ears bleed every time I have to listen to him scream. And you should’ve been more reluctant to let Bakugō stay in the dorms. And your yelling is not helping Bakugō. Ask yourself why he hates being around you? I understand that you care about him, but punishing your child by hitting them is not okay, period, wether it’s just a slap or not.

I ko: I LOVE YOU TO PIECES! I can’t hate you. I have so much respect for you, but you shouldn’t have let Deku stay in the dorms. I know you wanted him to be able to experience his dreams, and that you felt so guilty about him growing up without a quirk, but Inko, it’s not worth losing your baby over. You were right to be upset with All Might, PERIOD.

ALL FOR ONE!! I HATE YOU WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING!!!! YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF SHIGIRAKI IN A VULNERABLY STATE AND GROOMED HIM TO BE A VILLAIN!!! AND YOU KILLED HIS GRANDMA!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!! HOW DARE YOU!!!! HE WAS A CHILD!!! HE WAS GRIEVING!!!! HE WAS UNSTABLE AND YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT!!! YOU DISGUST ME!!!!

And a big Fuck you to hero society for turning children into soldiers. A big fuck you for letting these children experience traum on that scale! A big fuck you for not saving Shigiraki! A big fuck you for being so full of shit!!!! A big fuck you for making people feel less than for being without a quirk! A big fuck your for being an overall piece of shit society!!

If you’ve made it this far, I apologize for yelling and cursing. Thank you for reading.

[percedurza]

god i hate how im like. compelled to go back and look at old shit

like i just rewatched a review of mulan 2020 and my brain hurts AGAIN

like first. the fact that the movie was like. filmed near a fucking internment camps and how the lead actress. supports police brutality

and OH the C H I. chi isnt like. some superpower literally everyone has it. its like. life energy. you’re alive? boom you have chi

the witch was so stupid because im pretty sure witches arent really a thing in eastern culture?? its kinda more of a western thing?? i think?? she can turn into a bird so she should have been a bird spirit, which would actually fit in the movie sort of because thats like. an (east?) asian thing

pretty sure the “phoenix rising from the ashes” is just a western thing, the emperor literally had no reason to say it 

they removed. the entire cast. the cool funny grandma? gone. the short stocky dude? gone. even the fucking og love interest li shang whats his face was removed because of the me too movement???? because i guess people thought a man in power having any kind of potentially romantic relationship with a woman is bad and uncomfortable idk i miss the original animated cast

uhhhhhh that scene where the rourans (is that how you spell it???) RUN UP A WALL. fucking hysterical dude

that scene where mulan takes down her hair while going into battle is. so dumb because like. why would u take it down its gonna get in ur eyes

speaking of battle and fighting somehow mulan is instantly better and stronger than all of the men because of her MAGIC CHI POWER and she does impossible flips and shit all over the place

the rourans have a trebuchet. they bring A SIEGE WEAPON TO FIGHT GROUND SOLDIERS.

theres a lot more but im tired of this bs so

the reason why the animated film is so loved compared to this dumpster fire was because it had character. i remember some people were a little offended by mushu, still dont know why so if anyone knows please. give me some wisdom homie

the scene where mulan is preparing to leave was much better in the original, even if the cutting her hair part isn’t accurate (she would actually get in trouble for doing it, because i think in this time period cutting ur hair was like. really bad idk)

in the remake she just puts on the armor and like walks out all awkward

im a white ass bitch and dont even know that much about east asian culture and even i apparently know more than the people who made this movie. shits crazy man

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

[lonelyshrimp]

What happened with your roomies if you don’t mind me asking...?

 Yknow what I’m in a mood and they don’t know my tumblr (haha they think I’m a cisstraight girl lol) so let’s get into some shit. Imma put everything under a read more bc imma rant a bit and this is gonna get long.

TW: food, unsanitary (general things not being kept clean, typically bathroom and kitchen related), drug use, fighting, slurs

tl;dr if you dont feel like reading this beast:

They steal what food i dare leave out in the kitchen rather tan keep in my room

They slam doors excessively, fight, yell horrible things to each other, have friends over yelling at like 2 am (last night for example)

Leave the doors unlocked and open?? We cant even lock the front door anymore??? (Dw the doors to our rooms all have locks. If I’m in my room or out of the house, my door is locked)

Constantly throw around the r slur. Like. All the time. Including one person having called me it. Y i k e s

One person keeps smoking in the house even though i’ve asked numerous times (and even have a note on my door) asking people to please smoke outside, it gives me headaches. You are physically hurting me stop.

Don’t Clean Anything. The kitchen is a wreck. The toilets are constantly clogging, I Am In Hell.

For context: the house is a one story house divided into a main floor and finished basement. It’s a rooming house and the basement is largely seperate from upstairs. (They have a kitchen door that they keep closed and locked.) The stairs to the basement are split into two smaller flights, with a landing in between the floors. That’s where the side door is. The public spaces upstairs are the kitchen (connects to stairs), the hallway, and the two bathrooms (big main one, tiny water closet by the front door). The rest of the upstairs is split into five rooms. For comprehension sake, we’ll call my roommates: The Couple (M&F), A, T, and J.

Mmkay lets start with the least egregious and move our way up, shall we? Theft! Of anything and everything! No one can have anything out in the public areas if they actually care about it. It. Will. Get. Stolen. Now, I have a mini fridge and the second biggest room here, so I’m lucky in that 99% of my groceries, as well as all my other belongings, fit in my room. There’s just a wee problem: I don’t have a freezer. Not to fear, past naïve me thought, I’ll just clean out and use the locked freezer since I still have the keys for that fridge! (We have two fridges and food theft was a problem beforehand and so me and my friend who lived here cleaned out the second fridge to use as our own and kept it locked.) I decided to do this after I had bought myself some ice cream, wrote my name on the top, and put it in the main freezer. I go to have some ice cream later that week, I open the tub for the first time (as in I removed the seal holding the lid onto the tub) to find that someone eaten half the tub of ice cream while making it seem like it hadn’t been opened. I know it happened at home bc the spoon marks were clear as day and I have to walk 20 minutes back from the grocery store. That woulda melted by then (Also I would’ve noticed at the store that. The tub was hella lopsided??? And way too light???) So yea of course I’m ticked now, I spent 6 bucks on that bro like just ask or get ur own??? So I put it the other freezer, and for a while it’s fine. Next month I decide to treat myself to some frozen waffles and some chicken strips and come home to find that the hinges holding the locks onto the doors of the fridge were torn out of the fridge/freezer doors. Like. The screws were pried outta this metal door rendering the locks completely useless (to the point i wouldn’t even be able to put the hinges back on.) And the cherry on top?? My ice cream was gone!!! Hope u enjoyed it, asshole. So whatever. Fine. I put my food away and. a week later?? Im like “Man i could go for some waffles rn”. I bought 2 8 packs. One chocolate chip, one cinnamon (y’all i literally buy the cheapest ones Zehrs sells. 2,19$ a box y’all. not even eggos). Surprise surprise!! The entire box of choccy chip ones GONE. Mind u, i wrote my name on all of these boxes, as well as a very large “DO NOT EAT”. so i begrudgingly had a couple (note that, 2) cinnamon waffles and move on. A couple days later I go to have some more and. The waffles are completely gone. Out of a total of 16 waffles, ya boy got a solid 2. (It’s worth noting that there was a single waffle left, but at 0,27$ a waffle, I didn’t mind leaving the box on the table with a note basically reading “these are cheap af, buy ur own bitch”.) (I didn’t swear that much tho)

I’d add the bike to the list but i can’t confirm nor deny that one of my roommates stole my tires and seat off my bike (although M does work on bikes all the time so man idk.)

Next up: wow people here are l o u d. I’m talking slamming doors all the time, slamming things around, yelling, playing music wildly loud. It’s awful. Like. You can just. Close the door quietly? Stop slamming things around please? It’s awful because loud sudden noises make me panic and lemme tell ya, wakin up at eight am bc your a-hole roommate decided to slam the door eight times bc the front door is broken because someone took the border around the jamb off instead of fixing it so we can actually?? lock that door?? because it doesnt quite fit in the jamb and so the only wat to lock it was the chain lock and. someone took that too so thats fun :)))))). The side door isn’t that much better. We have a code lock and. No One Ever Locks It. Like. I’ll come outta room and?? It’s just open????? Close the door???????????

The worst, however, is the fucking fighting. The Couple love to argue all the time. and yell at each other and slam the doors or smashing shit and they yell pretty awful things to each other. Like. I’ve heard M call his gf some awful shit. It’s worse when they have people over too. The other day there were like. 14 cops in here bc of them at like 2 am. Cue me, 2 am, trying to watch a livestream and seeing like??? Six cop cars pull up????? Wh a t????? Not fun not good for my brain.

God and. What is with everyone and the r slur??? Like what?? there are so many words you can choose stop using that word. Like okay the other night someone?? took the dc adapter for the wireless modem and one of the dudes downstairs as well as the couple were looking to see if they had a compatible dc adapter and so i just decided to wait?? and i just spaced out a bit okay whatever i was lookin at the wall like i do and fuckin. the couple had a couple friends over and one of em was chillin between the kitchen and the hall and M yells out from his room “Hey don’t you feel weird with this creepy ass bitch standing next to you? Like what is she, m*ntally r*tarded?” like wow okay dude i’m literally not doing anything. Luckily his friends reaction was basically “?? She lives here?? She can stand there if she wants??” (wow referring to myself as she feels weird and wrong).

A big problem I have is I feel like theres a community in this house that I just don’t fit into? Part of it is I’m like. the only person here who doesn’t do drugs of any kind?? Like I have nothing against ppl who use drugs like whatever bro, but it feels super othering to me when i can’t relate to anyone here because of it. That and. Getting T in particular but really just anyone but A to respect me asking that if you’re going to smoke anything to do it outside because weed and to a lesser extent cigarette smoke trigger my sensory disorder and causes me pain and causes sensory overload and I still find myself asking people to smoke outside.Like I’ve never been unreasonable and said “no drugs in the house” or some bs. I’m just asking u to respect my disability thanks.And like?? I’ll get into this in a second but there were needles in the toilet?? Bro throw them out properly.

And now: Hell.

Can no one clean up after themselves?? Do your dishes. If theres food left on your plate, throw it out first, don’t dump it in the sink. Seriously the kitchen sink is fucked. The kitchen is gross. The microwave ugh ugh ugh no thanks. No one can clean everything. This is why all my cookware and dishes are in my room. That way I can make sure I 1) Still Own It and 2) Its clean and usable. I clean them as I go and just use my own shit.

Nothing compares to the bathrooms, though. It seems like every other day one of the toilets are clogged. Last week there were spoons in the sink?? Like at least 10 spoons. In the bathroom sink. The floor is dirty because no one owns a mop and?? there was one in the kitchen?? I haven’t seen it in like a month. And the worst of all. Okay, it’s really bad when every one up here is between like. 16 and 19 I think? And I had to put up a sign in the bathroom asking people to flush when you’re done??? And I still have to flush before I can use the washroom???? And it feels like every week or so. The toilet’s clogged. Oh! I forgot to mention that the water closet doesn’t even have a doorknob anymore. Someone took it. But wait, it gets worse. Seriously if extremely unsanitary things bother u, stop reading now.

Twice in the past month I’ve had to contact the landlord because the toilets were beyond clogged. The first time was bad but oh lord nothing compares to the second time (aka last week). The first time was your pretty standard toilet clogs and backs up and its very gross. I contacted the landlord and it was fixed the next day and it was fine. For. Two Days. Im serious. See. People here have a real issue it seems of “The person before me didn’t flush so neither will I”, leading to a toilet bowl full of like. a half a roll of toilet paper and waste. F u n. What that led to was the toilet clogging, people not doing anything about it, and continuing to use it. Eventually the toilet bowl was full, so trow a shopping bag over the lid to mark the toilet as “Out of order” and move on to the other one.Both toilets were completely unusable. I emailed the landlord and i don’t know if either they or one of the people living here contacted them, but the old landlord and old property manager were here the other day to clean them out and fix them?? and yea among all the standard waste you’d expect in a toilet, there were needles? Like buddy theres a trash can right there? I know u had the needle caps bc they were in there too. just... disgusting...

bro this is just what i can think of off the top of my head i know theres more but oh no this is so long now. just. this is a lot more detail than u wanted but i wanted to get this out of my brain??

[unproduciblesmackdown]

its just wild idk how to say the experience of just like...it being a wholeass fixture in your life that you’re gonna off urself...i guess in earlier times (almost been aware of being suicidal for a whole decade babes) it was also that i just...like assumed that my future was gonna involve some whole disaster that was going to wreck the whole damn thing idk. like i always knew i didnt have the kinda situation where i had somebody to fall back on no matter what & i did very much know that i had the kinda situation where if it looked like the identity ppl thought i had fell through and it turned out i wasnt thriving in all of this and actually just kinda miserable and on my own, instead of having ppl who would be There For Me No Matter What i had the ppl who would want nothing to do w me except for further beat me down..........so yeah i guess ive been feeling like my future was only Doom since like 12 def...maybe earlier if you look at it idk its like wondering when i was starting being depressed fulltime. probs like age 3 idk

anyhow the point is....hard to explain what its like having the constant sense that you don’t have a future thats good & in your control & something you want, or that even exists right. like sometimes i imagine thinking abt the future in the ways that other ppl might, in the way that you assume you’ve got a good while and that there’s things you’ll get to do that you like or you’ll pursue your ambitions or whatever and its weird i think about it for like 3.3 sec and its like tf.........its like when you get some kinda Aroma Memory where your brain remembers that smell from 18.6 yrs ago & you have a 0.62second window to try to think of where its from while you have some fleeting visual/emotive memory.......sometimes i’ll just have some kinda emotional echo from a less depressed life and its like ?????? havent had this feeling in this exact way for a minute. its weird its like lol this doesnt belong to me anymore..

anyways for another solid like.....6-7 yrs its been kind of “i’ll be surprised if i make it another yr alive” with various ups & downs in that level of surprise along the way.....more like a Down lately lmao its wild how impossible it seems to make it a few more days or weeks when youre having a worse day than usual, having an on avg Worse period that lasts for months & months and etc is just....wild baby. if you havent felt it for even a day its not something you can really imagine. if u know what its like to feel like ur gonna die for a longterm period then you know what it is..

like always, maybe this is my year baby!!! in terms of death. if im thinking abt maybe this is the year i suddenly Succeed on all fronts and i never again have to think about kms, then that’ll be a struck-by-lighting, same-shuffled-card-deck-order twice in a row, sheer chance out of nowhere. your life isnt steered towards goodness because you’re good enough or Only As Much As You Can Handle or anything and ive been too deep in it this whole time to have ever been set up to not get the rug pulled out from under me several times over and yknow once you fall down even once, unless you’re really solidly backed up, the odds arent in your favor about not getting continuously run over the rest of the time. wind isn’t really at ur back there.

like im so glad abt every person ive run into who ive had in my life for more than like 5 hrs and im lucky that i was at least born recently enough to have had the internet/texting mostly regularly from 14 y.o. onward.....if i didnt im sure i wouldve been......even so much more isolated than i was. l o l . . . . ive got to feel like some ppl care abt me which is nice and didnt happen too much before then. its also good i draw lmao coz besides for the most part thats how i talk the best & how i get in touch w most of the ppl who end up sticking around enough i talk to more than like a couple of times.....but tho of course ive never like, found arbitrary success in terms of either my own solo financial boon to transcend any and all problems or ever just like bonding w a bunch of ppl like ride or die for life baby. coz like.....why would i do either. if you werent born into financial stability, let alone wealth, and if you didnt just happen to pick up these deep unshakeable relationships along the way at times when it didnt really matter.....good luck picking those things up further along the way when stuffs even shittier. i may’ve been lucky w the internet/texting timing but i wasnt lucky w the financial crisis hit or really just being born after the 80s, economy wise......or lucky w being isolated socially since age 4 and always having to feel distanced from ppl coz i could sense the difference & stigma of being someone abused & miserable before i was even really that self aware of the extent of those things about me.........oh well. coz again w the internet and me happening to draw enough prior to age 14 that i was always considered “good” at it, and then finding that i like to draw fanart for myself lol....so i could at least connect w ppl some ways right. or via text posts sometimes lmao....and im lucky that the ‘net / having a phone gave me a medium for those things & being connected to some ppl. and im lucky im gay & not cis & got to figure that out & enjoy it coz thats the best thing abt me.......

anyways even if say life was perfect for me magically i still wouldnt be able to relate to seeing yourself pursue your ambitions coz like i always say...ive never really had those lmao. wasnt able to baby.....its like there’s always that idea that ppl whose life is defined by Survival, who’ve been exposed to trauma &/or abused, that if you drop them into a safe stable situation w/friends and all and whatever then suddenly they’ll be a “regular” person, like there’s some inherent core of everyone where they Know what its like to get to live in a healthy environment w a certain perspective on other ppl & how they’ll treat you, and if you just remove someone from bs they’ll just shift over to that Default that is like oh lol yeah im like everybody else. like nah its a whole different kind of world / life you’ve not even necessarily adapted to, maybe its what you grew in. and you can adapt to a better life & grow further in that but its not a matter of like “washing away” what came before....it can be an entirely separate thing. like if you haven’t experienced it you cant imagine it. i cant give someone a real sense of what its like to grow up within & live in an abusive place for decades. and i can’t guess who i would be if i’d grown up / lived in a completely different, better situation. coz thats a whole fundamental change from the start. it’d be such a different person that it wouldn’t even make sense to call it an alternate version of “me.”

well anyways i always feel like i’m bound to kms & that bad things are impending sooner than later & when they happen i’ll get a new set of incoming bad shit to feel bearing down & etc & i dont have things i want except a cessation of living under dread & feeling like my existence is in the way & theres ppl around i gotta be on my guard for & i’m only gonna kms eventually here, theres a long lifespan & for being to off yourself at any given time, also im jealous of ppl who’ve had a nicely sized friend group where they’ve always been able to hang out w one person at least whenever they wanted to / needed to. at least i’m gay, baby. i honestly do feel like that tweet where its like i cant kill myself b/c what if im a straight guy in my next life? @ god i cant do it. like lmao for real though......in my past life maybe i was an 80s gay. syke if i have a past life it was probably a cat. maybe a cat of an 80s gay. i can only hope

[minister-of-silly-walks]

Harry Potter Golden Trio in a superhero AU?

Ooooooh I like this. Ok lets see what we end up with here. Send me an AU and Ill give 5+ Headcanons about em. 

Harry

Has a Secret Identity and is actually the most successful at keeping it because when he’s not saving the world he’s just so freaking normal and frankly he enjoys that

Still a powerhouse of whatever his powers are

Due to an accident when he was young, Harry is able to talk to & understands snakes. If powers are common thats what everyone thinks his powers are

Very sporty plays both powered and regular sports now that he’s found out he’s got some talent at em

His power is actually something like Luck or probability manipulation but the more he makes something favorable for himself the worse the next bad thing to happen is because honestly given everything that happens to Harry in Canon he had the most amazingly crappy luck ever.

Hermione

Her powers are volcanic based. I think it probably gives her the ability to manipulate lava/earth to an extent because for all that she’s a bookworm Hermione has a temper and it takes a while for stuff to build up be it BS, injustice or plain ol anger but she’s also pretty solid like a rock.

Volcanoes also like, rejuvenate soils by depositing nutrients and allow things to grow and for Hermione thats knowledge be it in herself or others

She doesn’t really have a secret identity but that has more to do with the fact that she just doesn’t care because its more helpful for her to be known as a hero to enact change on an unjust social system.

Ron

TBH i have no idea what Ron’s powers would be. The power of friendship? Caring? IDK. I got nothing.

NO WAIT I LIE. RONS POWERS ARE AIR BASED

because like ok, its real easy to overlook air powers. They’re just not all that impressive looking. But you get enough force into them and shit happens

Ron also just kinda goes with things? Like, I mean he chooses to do things but he’s also just like, oh this $&^%%^*( again? when stuff happens to Harry. He’s also the person that brings a breath of fresh air into the situation so to speak be it by actually formulating a plan or being the comic relief.

He’s still the strategist but like canon this is something that he grew into.

…. Yeah Im not sure what exactly kinda Superhero AU I’ve made here? In my brain i keep picturing it as an X-Men BHNA fusion of sorts where Harry still had to fight Tom because Tom’s a hypocritical genocidal maniac who’s been running around killing people. Ginny’s still around but this is more book Ginny than anything else but she’s a shapeshifter not that she ever really noticed her powers because for her shapeshifting is about wanting to be someone/something else and she’s never wanted to be anything but herself and have other people accept that. Luna manipulates time and just is constantly seeing things from the past, the pasts that never were, the present, the future and futures that will never be and has a bit of a hard time telling them all apart.  

[helianthusrex]

so xmas was.... something.... 

i guess

beach dint turn out bc it was so dang crowded there wasnt any parking avail (not surprised at all thats fine i wanted 2 go just bc my ma was so stoked ab going; im the weirdo that lives in florida but has zero interest in beaches)

we ate outside the condo parents borrowed from some fancypants coworker of my das 4 the wk, next 2 the pool thing

sun was nice, breeze was nice, i dint have 2 wear beach gear in front of millions of strangers, was a win 4 me

was relaxing & shit

chase & x left after a while 2 go do chases fam obligation bc they Would Not Stop Bugging Him the whole dang wk in spite of his telling them that my parents were only gonna b here a limited time & its been almost 10 yrs since we seen them & we have 2 deal w his parents constantly & they get 2 see us a lot even when we dont want 2 (but hey what the fuck is courtesy right) & x went with 2 give chase some support

ma called my granma 2 do HER fam obligation (their relationship is super fucking strained @ this point 4 a ton of reasons that aint worth getting into)

i got the joy of hearing the conversation (bc ma puts phone on speaker) & like, my hearing is shit but i could hear enough words & tone & brain could supply the rest bc its shit ive heard bf 2 tell from context (& get confirmation ab after the fact later to fill in the rest)

which uhhhhhhhh

uhhhh

amounted 2 things i wasnt surprised 2 b hearing but

rly killed me & i keep thinking ab it &

boy did it sure “help” the depression im already mired in

cw 4 a shit ton of misgendering & other gross dysphoria & abuse bs

factsrok i had a fun experience i had 2 go outside so i wouldnt have complete melt down & scream my head off ecks oh your parents buggin hard? factsrok no my ma called my granma but had her on speaker loud enough i could hear enough so i heard granma constantly using wrong pronouns & dead name & talking loudly ab how "she was never like this bf jerry (birth da)'s ex wife got ahold of her (aka abuse turned me gay & trans)" & on & on in that mein how "she missed her little grandaughter" etc etc & in general how awful this was 4 HER etc ecks jesus fucking christmas crackers factsrok yeah real punch in the nuts ecks sit on a cactus and spin, grandma do you need us to come get you or anything factsrok & she wonders why i never wanna talk 2 her nah i talked w them after ma hung up on her & im mostly ok enough ecks ok /hugs factsrok hugs back im not gonna let her bs ruin what was a good time we watching a crimmus story & chillin ecks good im watchin chase's mom roll out plates to poison me factsrok oh lord ecks they all wanted to know where you were chase mentioned that mom deffo wanted to see us (the usual cutesy misgendering) for giving us stuff factsrok dying a slow death of being reminded who i cant b 2 ppl who should have my back lol & lol ofc ecks u da bes good sof boi & i will FITE factsrok ilu2 thank

so not only did i get fun 1st hand dysphoria meltdown from that

but x had a grate time wrt the usual bs @ chases parents bc they always do the same even tho they know we both trans dudes as well but either conveniently ignore/forget it or just plain refuse 2 acknowledge it as if by sheer repetition of she/her & “you girls” etc they can force us 2 be something else

our gifts were 2 sets of extremely girly matchy match pj sets that dont even fit (like, not by a long shot, these r obvs made 4 for-reals little smol girls........)

& that was def triggering as hell 4 me, idk ab x

i kept & keep thinking ab how much of a doll my ex step ma made me into

or how its HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS only not that the jokes on my granma i was queer as fuck bf any of the abuse ever happened)

its uh

its rly jarring also & honestly im afraid of when im going 2 reach my boiling point bc i can feel it coming, have felt it 4 a long time but never been brave enough

ive come a long way; confrontation has never been a thing i can do; like trying 2 grab electricity & hold it or some dumb shit like that

but i feel like i could, like i can, like i will if someone fucking does this 2 me again

i dont want 2 ruin things & make it worse 4 my parents or 4 chase

bc it wont change anything 2 yell @ either my granma or chases parents (or even not 2 yell but 2 counter whatever they say calmly

just the ACT of telling them 2 their face they r wrong, they r crushing me, they r killing me slowly each time they do this bullshit

it wont end well 4 any1 involved

but i cant take it any longer either

happy fucking holidays 2 us i guess

[bigbrothernetflix-st]

EPISODE TWO

“I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my position in the game.” - dem

HOH: Josh C UPSIDE DOWN: Nick & Joshua NOMINEES: Emma & Nash POV: N/A FINAL NOMINEES: N/A EVICTED: Dem (Expelled)

EMMA

I been struggling in this game which is sad i want to have fun but yesterday made me feel like maybe having a meltdown and leaving 90 percent of servers was a good idea for me i really hope not i just really want to have fun and win for some reasons i always have trouble prejury in games trying to find my footing but at jury and late prejury i always know how to rise ASDFGH the people i really like rn are Jakey loml jev loml aria queen saira queen and also joshua is easy to talk too!!! nathan is also great

DEM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HSgjyUhGTng

NASH

i simply think men should stop winning hoh and trying to nom me. its week 2 go target someone else j*sh. jev and i are cool now though <3 love him

DEM

I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my position in the game. I think I'm not in anyone's bad graces so far, which is good. But I really need to win one of these next HoH's so secure my social relationships. My plan moving forward is to see win HoH's. I want to win the next to HoH's I'm eligible in back to back. I also want to try to secure my relationships with Gina, Jev, and Jake. Those are three people I want to be close with in this game. Also maybe Joshua? He's pretty cool and chill.

SAIRA

I'm still getting a sense of how the game works but I feel pretty good, there are some people that are much easier to talk to than others but everyone is still so nice! i feel good about josh c as hoh! we get along pretty well and I don't THINK im in any danger but you never know! imma be honest, I don't have an actual plan, i'm mostly playing this by ear, just talking to people, bullying beck when the chance arises, and being myself! 

JOSH C

HELLO GIRLIES!

well, we won HOH and that's really EXCITING. i probably didn't need to win this week but i figured that i'd get a win under my belt while nominating people would still be EASY. i can establish trust with some people and get a "i didn't nom you, please don't nom me" situation going on. i also feel like the two people i'm going to nominate would have NOMMED me anyways because we just haven't talked..

who those people are? nash & emma. (vl don't hate me for only nominating women i didn't want it to come to this either)

but i just.. both of them have really only put in any effort to talk to me now that i'm HOH and i don't really LOVE that tbh. i've already told a few people that's who i'm thinking so i kind of accidentally locked myself in on these noms because there isn't any sense in throwing out more names than i have to!!

i have an alliance with kiki, brianna, jacob, jake, and aria. (i think that's the people in it? i wanna say that's right. LKFMSDG love this game for me) and i feel pretty good in that because i like all of them enough and they're people that will watch out for ME and each other. but i know my social connections go beyond that so i'm feeling pretty good with my spot in the game? i have a solid relationship with almost everyone in the game and i think i should be able to play a cute lil utr game for a few weeks. i don't think that i'll get targeted first if my alliance gets outed and if so.. i have ENOUGH faith in my comp strength and relationships to save me against MOST of the cast.

people kind of want me to nominate DEM because apparently he starts drama with people and has been a bit inactive. he's talked with me more than other people so im not super keen on throwing him on the block RIGHT AWAY but i'm thinking he's a good replacement nom because if people think he's MIA then no one other than him will be upset with me. maybe a backdoor? could be spicy..

i don't really know what else to say here so.. i hope this is enough! love u guys <3

BRIANNA

https://youtu.be/mJw3qxsZ-Bg

JEV

Okay so I feel like pretty comfortable this week because me and Josh have gotten pretty close and bonded over our mutual love of Lucas HOWEVER he's just let me know he's gonna be nominating Nash and Emma which isn't GREAT since I'm in alliances with both of them and they're the only 2 alliances I have so I really wouldn't want to see either of them go home this week, this SUCKS ASS

JAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt2xRQqqax8

ARIA

how is it ONLY week 2 i feel so hecking exhausted fhsabfd, but that might also be the fact that is 2 am so,,,oop. Um okay recap time!!!! Recaps are so hard because theres minor details that i still want to note without seeming super annoying so heres a minor list of things im noticing 

-Dem wants to "start playing the game" I told this to Jake (wish i could bold names ugh)

-Gina & dem told me they were gunning hard for hoh- i told nathan/monty/nick/,,,,and someone else this

-emma feels unconnected from cast

-Jake doesnt like Gina

-Josh likes Me Jev Kiki (told joshua)

-emma knows alliances are starting to form

-joey can get pwr hungry and chaotic + good comp ability

-told gnia my thoughts on the sides being "connected v unconnected" and other tidbits of info

-GIna (potentially joshua) doesnt like nash

-Nathan/Nash ARE CLOSE!!!!! WEE FUCKING WOO!!!!

-Told Jake that Jacob has the power (and the bs excuse he told gina pretending he doesnt have it,,,sure jan)

-jake is GREAT at lowering his threat lvl im sick

-Jev-Josh-Nathan-Nash all bonded p well on vc potentially an alliance

-jake tried to get gina nominated

-Emma Nash noms

-Jake doesnt want emma to leave

So,,,thats what you missed on GLEE! Honestly glee sucks but yeah thats all my info i would weave everything together with cute transitions but im TIRED and lots of this information doesnt really connect well so,,,have a bullet list! 

okok nvm heres some general thoughts bc JUST a bullet point list is so boringgg im honestly not too sure what i want to do this week bc i think emma doesnt have a lot of people (although she has jake apparently,,,she might just be putting up a front of being unconnected ffs) so i would rather keep her around based on our relationship alone esp compared to nash whose been busy w/ irl things to reply i think (nash would prob do gr8 in old school bb,,,but new school is a whole other beast) HOWEVER!!! I need to protect gina who isn't the best conversationalist (sorry bb ily but its true <3) and keeping nash around ensures people have another "inact" target besides her but also nash is such a god connection for people like nathan and jacob and i would rather get her out sooner than later before we have another renee on our hands ...

Also i havent talked to the pasio peeps (omg if we ever make an alliance,,,that should be the name hehe) in a while and idk if theyre distancing themselves or if theyre just busy fndsjafd god im too paranoid for this game its awful. Also i think i mentioned the alliance with josh kiki bri jake jacob last time and it still isnt made and im PRAYINGGG it never gets made bc i have SUCH an awful feeling like SIX FUCKING PEOPLE??? S I X?? THAT IS GOING TO FAIL AND BLOW UP!!!! but i cant say no to an alliance so here i fucking am :/ also im trying to think of my longevity in this game and like,,, idk im nervous. I mean ive mentioned going to the end with multiple people but i have such a bad feeling im gonna go out 9/10 as a big move and i REFUSE to let that shit happen, not on my fucking watch no sir!! Not sure what to do about it yet but i feel like monty in particular doesnt trust me and i need his ass OUT! or maybe not if he comes around but like??? sir pls talk to me- i mean this phase of the game is early im setting up the pawns for later, but before later theres gonna be a couple explosions of my game which i'll have to deal with,,, or maybe not actually i mean in my first org i did a really well mastermind game with it- nvm it did explode on me once FDBSHFDS yeah so theres gonna be an explosion period but i think im getting good at dealing w/ the backlash from it and reintegrating myself..

oh also yeah im safe this week lol

anyway sorry for rambling so much LMAO have a trust ranking!

1.Gina (MY QUEEN!!!!!!!! i LOVE her!)

-BIG BIG FUCKING GAP-

2.Jake (listen,,,my thoughts go back and forth but he did tell me the noms so,,,have some rights)

3.Saira (we never talk game but i dont think she talks with anyone about game beyond maybe nick and also shes nice and im a sucker for nice girls)

4.Emma (if this isnt all just a front shes gonna make a great number for me,, might need to fact check some of her statements tho)

5.Joshua (honestly? i love him hes so funny and i think he has my back although he could be more act)

6.Nathan (literally havent talked in 3 days but also i have a soft spot for him <3)

-GAP-

sorry the Js are just kinda scary lmao JFNSDKF

7.Nick (!! we gotta an actual connection folks!! heck yeah!)

8.Josh c (im safe! but he D E F trusts others more than me such as Joshua and Jacob)

9.Jev (honestly a king but hes a little quiet although his reccs are the BOMB)

10.Jacob (i know youre being sneaky,,,idk what youre being sneaky with but im getting the vibes)

11.Dem (might be weird but i think he trusts me? at least a little bc he ranted about losing to me so O.0)

12.Brianna (youre adorable and deserve the world but everyone likes you,,,is this how people view me omg fhsabfhds)

13.Kiki (youre SO hecking sweet and actually u probs have a connections to nash but we havent talked ANY game yet)

14.Nash (p,,p-please talk to me uwu)

15.Joey (i dont trust you at ALL! Why? good question-)

was that mean? sorry in advance ilyall but also its 3 am brain empty no filter

NASH

i think jev and nathan might end up being good allies of mine (inb4 betrayal)! despite the mistake he made nomming me, talking to jev has been lovely so far he's getting me into loona LMFAO. and i just love nathan's energy & i feel like as the season goes on i can see him winning comps. i'm excited :3 hope josh c does not end my existence this week

JOEY

I feel FANTASTIC about Josh being HoH. I’m making sure that others are coming to me about gameplans, and I’m making sure I don’t come off as too pushy or aggressive in PMs. With most of the players, I’m trying to give them all the same energy and hype. It seems kinda weird to say this, but I’m not concerned about being nominated at this point. What I need to ensure is building my social relationships with people outside the “Crackhouse”, and yes that big ol friend group moved to Discord in 20 minutes like 6 months ago. 

This is the first major game I’ve ever played with Skinny Nick(yes, I’m absolutely confused as to what to call them, I’m so used to calling Nick “Eve” that its going to take time to adjust.) Speaking of Nick, my social relationship with him is actually surprisingly similar. In the past, I felt as though it would be as “on-sight” as Tom & Jerry, and it actually isn’t turning out that way, which is surprisingly refreshing. Every day, I’m making sure I send Nick something different to diversify my social game with them. Yesterday, I asked Nick about his preferred streaming services for music and TV, and I discovered we have the same music service(Apple Music).

I’ve played one game with Monty before, but it was a disaster. We were in pairs, and it felt like we were on different planets. I did tell him to not worry about personal feelings when it comes to this game, because I compared the relationship of BB Netflix and the Crackhouse to the separation of church and state. I made that comparison because the two entities of church and state should never cross, but when they do it becomes disastrous, and I feel as though that same principle applies to this game.

Overall, I feel good, Emma may be going up on the block, but it shouldn’t affect me that much. We’re in the early stage, I want to make sure I’m good with everyone.

ARIA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kFeox7LM1-E

JAKE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLkZ-BIIjTU

HOUSE MEETING

https://youtu.be/BZMorvWvyKY

HOST WEEKLY CAST ASSESSMENT WEEK 1 & 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc-iMpkfrdw&list=PLFEwPPy8j010XXwntq80VSU0qLNTNpSIN&index=3&t=0s

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[roseamongroses]

Antithesis(14): “do i rlly need to explain my gripes”

[Specific-Summary]: With senior year approaching, some stresses are inevitable, and they’re certainly not looking forward to them, but for now it’s summer and it’s okay to breathe a little while longer.

[General Warnings]: Implied Emotional Abuse, Implied Physical Abuse, Bad Parents are Bad Parents, Mild Sexual Content/jokes,Mentioned Homophobia, Mentions of underage drinking (backround), Some Catcalling,Cursing  

[Tags/mood:] highschool au,  fluff and angst but its all good, chat fic, teen stress, its flordia no snow we die like men [Pairing:] Roceit (Roman Sanders/ Deceit Sanders), hinted future/possible logince/roloceit/loceit [Characters]Roman Sanders/Deceit (Dmitri) Sanders, Virgil Sanders, Logan Sanders, Patton Sanders, Remy (Sleep) Sanders, Nate Sanders, Dragon Witch (Diana)

(Ao3) (Previously)

(8) (9) (10) (11) (12) (13) (14)

D:Guess who finally got their phone/ keys back

R: !!!!

R: you good tho?? I mean what’s going on over there

D: I’m fine she just did the usual

R: that R: that is not any better

D: Probably but predictable is better then unpredictable D: that bs aside I missed your birthday

R: it's chillll

D: No it isn’t D: I’ll make it up to you

R: you don t n e e d t o i t wa sn t y o u r f a u l t

D: It kinda was

R: nope nope nope R: my birthday gift from you is you /not/ feeling guilty about it

D: I’m not too sure about that D: plus I’ve already painted you something so

R: <3 R: still i’ve defended your honor this entire time R: virgil was preped to kill you the first week tbh

D: why?

R: idk R: but he’s always??? worried you might ditch me ??? R: like???as if id let you do that???

D: I wouldn’t ditch you.

R: I know R: im emphasising my point for the overprotective ASSHOLE reading this over my shoulders R: anyway hows the wedding planning

D:she said I’d go to hell, I didn’t know it would be so soon

---

“You got a girlfriend?”

Dmitri flinched, turning off his phone, “Uh--,” he swallowed, forcing himself not to squirm under Dr. Montag’s gaze, “--Something like that…” His face burned, and he hoped his hair was enough to hide his face.

Dr. Montag raised an eyebrow, “You’re not doing anything inappropriate right?” he said, with a tone of authority that all adults seem to feel entitled to, “I know I’m not your dad, but…” He placed the jars of pasta sauce in the cart.

“You’re not--” Dmitri winced, “I mean--I’m not. Doing anything inappropriate, that is.” a bile rested in his throat and he smiled, “It’s just a...friend.”

He scanned his shopping list, “Friend?” he said, doubtful. Dmitri’s not entirely sure how he’s supposed to take that, “It isn’t that-uh Nate? Is it? I’ve seen his lot plenty of times at my office And while those kids seem fun at first--” he shuddered, “Trust me I could’ve done without some of those memories.”

Dmitri, scanned the overtly expensive noodles, “No it’s not Nate.”

“Diana then?” Dr. Montag listed, “She seems like a nice girl, your Aunt says that your close.”

“We were…” Dmitri shrugged, “We hardly have any classes together so I hardly see her anymore,”

Dr. Montag frowned, as if he caught the lie too, “Well whoever she is... you’re free to invite her along. I’m sure your aunt won’t mi….your aunt doesn’t have to know, ” he corrected, in a way that was much too nice, “I know Patty wants us to bond before the wedding, but I know your at the age where the last thing you’d want to do is hanging out with some old-man. So invite your ‘friend’ if you want, I’d love to meet her,” Too-fucking-nice.

“Uh,” Dmitri’s brain short circuited, unable to shake his unease, “Uh-Sorry no,” he shook his head, feeling his phonrre buzz again, “They wouldn’t want…”

He couldn’t imagine it, really.

Introducing Roman as his boyfriend, correcting people--casually bringing Roman up in conversation without feeling the room tense and conversation abruptly change. Changing his wallpaper to him and Roman --holding hands in public without feeling watched--kissing without needing to check and double check--. Changing the pronouns to he, him, his.

That was a lie. He has imagined it, he thought he had it, and he really fucking wants it again.

---

SipsipSipin:you ever like,,,,,,,think,,,,

HotNReady: rarely

SipSipSipin: i know i know SipSipSipin: bear with me babe

SipSipSipin: but like it's fuckin weird

SipSipSipin: we’re going to be s e ni or s

SipSipSipin: i can finally get the hell away from my dad SipSipSipin: but like i probably cant even move from this fuckin state

HotNReady: i mean we’re gunna be in the same boat

SipSipSipin: no we???arent???

SipSipSipin: youre gunna have colleges licking your boots wtf

HotNReady: ye but like,,,out of state is /expensive/

SipSipSipin: bitch

HotNReady: what im right HotNReady: im foolish not a fool

SipSipSipin: did you even l o o k

HotNReady:...no

SipSipSipin: how the fuck am i suppose to angst properly SipSipSipin: about you leaving if you arent even going far

SipSipSipin: i cant work in these conditions

HotNReady: oh is that why youve been so clingy

SipSipSipin: ... SipSipSipin: pot/kettle

HotNReadY: THATS MY BRANDING STEP OFF

SipSipSipin: you literally refused to leave virgils side for like ⅓ of our friendship

HotNReady: i was a very small child ok

SipSipSipin: yall were the same size

HotNReady:you cant call me out like this

SipSipSipin: sounds fake but really

SipSipSipin: you havent even /looked/ into out of state colleges??? SipSipSipin: really???cause i dont believe it

HotNReady:uh,,,,,I mean like,,,,,

HotNReady: I may have Looked a little

-

!!!taglist!!!

@daflangstlairde​

@ace-anx​

@cataclysm-al​

[lesbianakaashi-archived]

a while back i said i was going to write out all the reasons i don't like melanie martinez and her music. well, here it is. everything is under the cut, but beware, this includes ableism along with abuse, suicide, and csa/rape mentions. also, uncensored slurs. be safe!

ill be going by songs, starting w the crybaby album, because i don't have much to say about melly herself. thatll be at the end. this is HEAVILY opinion based, so take it all w a grain of salt. 

- crybaby is ok to me, nothing super terrible. 

- dollhouse is the first song i don't like; it presents nothing new, because the whole "abuse/other bad things wrapped in a cute package" thing isn't a new concept. i also don't like the line "i see things that nobody else sees" because yes, while crybaby is a character, shes not said to be psychotic or have hallucinations, and i feel like that line was just thrown in to make her sound "crazy".

- sippy cup is like dollhouses terrible older sibling tbh. within the first verse, we have an ableist slur and plastic surgery shaming. real nice. also "silly girl, with silly boys" just rubs me The Wrong Way(tm). then theres what sounds like romantiziation of eating disorders, which as far as I know, mel doesnt suffer from (if youve heard otherwise, please send me an ask abt it!) sippy cup is basically saying "bad is still bad even if its presented in a good way!!!!" and its just...not good. 

- i don't have any strong feelings about carousel. tbh, it has a nice tune and its actually one of the few decent songs on crybaby. 

- confession time: i LOVE alphabet boy. if i had to pick a melanie song to listen to, itd be alphabet boy. its really catchy and fun to sing (plus im a slut for alliteration,) and i don't have many personal complaints. though i do detest the whole "baby" theme she has, esp in this song. 

- soap is just...eh to me. i really don't like the causal suicide line as someone whos attempted So Many times, and the whole fake-deep thing just amounts to "i fucked up, i feel terrible". 

- training wheels is a CLUSTERFUCK. as i said, i hate the "baby" theme, when mixed with adult stuff. this song is undoubtably about sex and relationships, but shes using things kids can relate to and its just...feels bad, scoob. "i love everything you do, when you call me fucking dumb for the stupid shit i do" is a one-two punch of emotional abuse implications and a slur. its just...all around bad. 

- pity party is...decent. the "im laughing, im crying, it feels like im dying" lines are suspect to me, because they sound very bpd-ish and idk how i feel abt that. 

- tag youre it is just. BAD. mel herself had the ADACITY to say its supposed to be ~whimiscal~, such with crybaby being kidnapped by the "big bad wolf". that may be the story, but putting a song about your childlike character being kidnapped and implied to be raped? is so fucked up.

- milk and cookies is also fucking terrible. "im fucking crazy, need my perscription filled" nice job implying all csa survivors are crazy, melly babe. gg. 

- i dont have strong feelings abt pacify her. just that its some infantilizing bs as usual.

- mrs potato head is somewhat decent? i dont have strong feelings about it either 

- mad hatter, and i know everyone and their mom have said this, is an ableism filled fucker. from the first lines, when i first heard it, i thought it was a harmless alice in wonderland inspired song. cute! and then the next lines played. im gonna go line by line and say what implications/statements bother me. "now i'm peeling the skin off my face" as someone who has pretty severe skin picking issues, this rubs me the wrong way. its basically just there to make crybaby ~weird~ "'cause i really hate being safe" oh, bc safe is SUCH a bad thing to be? this is just a bad line. "the normal, they make me afraid, the crazies, they make me feel sane" holy ableism batman! the normal? like psychotic people arent ~normal~? also, i love (sarcasm) how she says "the crazies". mel, honey, you have no grounds to say that. "i'm nuts, baby, i'm mad / craziest friend that you've ever had / you think i'm psycho, you think i'm gone / tell the psychiatrist something is wrong" do you think mel even thought about how fucking assholeish and downright insensitive she sounds abt mental illness right here? because she sounds like she did one (1) google search about psychosis and wrote down everything she could. "oh, off the bend, entirely bonkers / you like me best when i'm off my rocker / tell you a secret, i'm not alarmed / do what if i'm crazy? the best people are" okay, so, im 99% sure mel is NOT psychotic in the fucking slightest. hey babe, youre not ~crazy~ and you dont get to appropriate our oft reclaimed slurs. this is just. so insensitive and fucked up. 

- cake isn't that bad. i find myself humming it a lot. 

- teddy bear is decent as well, kinda edgy tho. 

- now for the only one of her unreleased songs that bothers me: a million men. (major csa tw for that song) she wrote it after watching a documentuary about sex trafficking and csa, and while its not bad lyrically and a few lines are relatable to my csa survivor ass, but shes not a csa survivor, and i don't feel like she should have written and sang it. 

- my personal problem with melanie is that she has her "crybaby" image all the time. shes tweeted saying she broke her nail trying to open her sippy cup, she poses half naked in bibs with a pacifier, etc. it just feels wrong to me, as i had my childhood and innocence and childhood things torn from me and sexualized very early on in life. 

- so thats all! i may or may not update this if anything else comes up. thank you for reading this far. 

(please be aware that i do not hate melanie as a person, and that i don't wish her any ill will. i just have problems with things shes done. and i am not saying you need to drop her music completely; just be critical and use your brains. and be respectful if someone says it bothers them!)