#a sunflowers adventures 2k17

[helianthusrex]

this is flash, since i kept promising several ppl pics ever since x returned home with him & then not producing them

i have like

a billion more

he is a shrieking hell goblin who constantly stomps on me, yells in my face @ every opportunity, is a big baby that wails when we leave the room even 4 an instant, chirps questions he knows the answers 2 & throws his dishes off the shelves & walks all over places he shouldnt go & gets stuck in places he knows better of like inside cabinets or on the backs of the tv

& basically trolls the everloving shit out of me @ every possible opportunity that he gets

he is horrible 4 productivity as shown

the moment the laptop or ipad comes out

so does he

there r days i want 2 pick him up & shake him a little & ask him WHY WHY DO U DO THE THINGS U DO HELL CAT

when i want 2 say things like why wont u just let me sleep

why wont u leave me be i need 2 recharge

but i know why

(bc him cat, bc him can

bc this a home where he CAN b loud, & ask 4 reassurance, & make himself big & talky & demanding of love & attention

4 once, @ last

bc he is needy with people who will touch him whenever he wants & sing him 2 sleep & worship him like the little tyrant gremlin that he is

bc i relate 2 him

like i do hammy, like i do x, like i do chase

bc we come from bad places, bad spaces

bc he has stolen our laps

& my heart)

[chara-killer-bear]

All

picasso: would you rather sleep on the moon with a stardust dress or on a tiny flower with a sunflower dress?

I’d rather sleep on the moon with a stardust dress uvu

van gogh: where is your go-to positive place when you’re feeling down/sad and what do you usually do?

Honestly the park where the open field is enough space where I can look at the stars and vacant, and usually I mostly listen to songs and imagine scenarios~

warhol: what is something that you possess that you’ll never give away/sell despite how much the cost?

Honestly the bae :”)

da vinci: describe your dream wedding.

Secret :”)

monet: where will you take your significant other in a date?

- a vacant place where you can see the starry night clear as night 

kahlo: what is a pro-tip/lesson that you learned from your past?

DON’T EVER RUSH THINGS/

michelangelo: do you show your teeth when you smile? do you squint your eyes?

- barely :”)

- Honestly, whenever I’m suspicious or when I’m really tired and can barely see shit 

matisse: how do you express your love to your friends/family/significant other?

- memes

- either smothering them/handsy/huggy/glomps

kandinsky: would you rather be a silky angel or a lacy princess… or a princess angel?

Silky angel-- It has a pretty image in my mind when I think about it--

degas: in a garden full of all sorts of flowers, which one will you pick?

R O S E S

klee: in a library full of books, which five will you never get sick of rereading?

- The Adventures of Edward Tulane

- Alice Mare

- Lowkey want to read the Magnum Opus by Zealous Creative

- One Hundred Years of Solitude

- Last but not least, one of Shakespeare’s plays because honestly I can never get tired of hearing his plays :”)

klimt: how many languages do you speak? what is/are it/they?

Fluently 1. Which is English, your local “universal” language. :”)

I’m trying to learn Spanish and Tagalog along as I go as well--

seurat: if you can wear only one color with different shades for the rest of your life, which one is it, and why?

R E D

Because all in all the only colors that I’m comfortable wearing are either pink and red and white, so that’s a bonus--

If not, I guess Turquoise will do uvu

vermeer: which of your qualities make you a dream girl?

- Dream girl? I can’t really say-- #low af confidence ftw :”)

harring: what is your all-time favorite band, movie, and painting? 

- I don’t really have a favorite band, but I’ll go with saying Pentatonix. uvu

- For movie it’s always Coraline :”)

- Painting? I can’t really say tbh-- 

munch: what is your medium in art? is that medium your first love?

- Procreate! First love..? I’m not really sure what to say for that question--

renoir: is you heart occupied right now? describe him/her/them.

ewe

the bae:

- big ball of sunshine/cheese

- honest

- nerd

- lowkey kinky

- usuk sin

- #save japan 2k17

gauguin: what is one thing that reminds you of childhood?

Honestly, this rose music box I have in my room- it plays a certain melody that reminds me of a whole bunch of things from my childhood really–

manet: describe your ultimate summer get-away!

S L E E P

botticelli: what is that one moment in your life that makes you feel proud?

Honestly during my kindergarten field trip to SeaWorld I think-- Or was it the Aquarium of the Pacific?

I don’t even know-- It was one of those two- but we were paired into groups of 3 or 4 and my buds were in my group and my mom and grandma were the chaperones. Out of the whole trip, I remember my grandma and mom praising me how I was the most mature one out of my whole group. I think that was the first time I ever felt proud of something--

cézanne: what is your favorite christmas cookie?

- I don’t really have a specific one o;v;o

[helianthusrex]

tuesday (yesterday) was lowry park

was more fun, just as exhausting, sometimes a bit frustrating

communicating with my parents keeps being an issue sometimes

tons of video & picture i gotta organise & post (largely so i can give them 2 my ma & so x has stuff 2 give to their da)

idk when thatll b up

today was rest day; i mostly rolled around in bed between attempts 2 sleep; mon-tues was a 48 hr cycle of no sleep so that was fun

tomorrow is the last day they here; supposedly just hanging out bf they go

probs gon back 2 semi-hiatus again on here after that, but gon do my best 2 return 2 talking on discord & whatnot; its just been so exhausting spending all my spoons on trying 2 socialise in person AND try 2 keep up online

--

@ a couple of u that responded 2 my recent posts: thanks 4 the compliments & the sweet thoughts

specifically:

@ tobi that was def meant 2 read more like some sort of poetry, im glad u thought so C: (ps thanks 4 the well wishes/holiday wishes on messenger i saw that & it was so sweet :yellow-heart:)

@ nebet im super flattered ty

@ specs haha flash will take ur love & devour it & ask 4 more

[helianthusrex]

so xmas was.... something.... 

i guess

beach dint turn out bc it was so dang crowded there wasnt any parking avail (not surprised at all thats fine i wanted 2 go just bc my ma was so stoked ab going; im the weirdo that lives in florida but has zero interest in beaches)

we ate outside the condo parents borrowed from some fancypants coworker of my das 4 the wk, next 2 the pool thing

sun was nice, breeze was nice, i dint have 2 wear beach gear in front of millions of strangers, was a win 4 me

was relaxing & shit

chase & x left after a while 2 go do chases fam obligation bc they Would Not Stop Bugging Him the whole dang wk in spite of his telling them that my parents were only gonna b here a limited time & its been almost 10 yrs since we seen them & we have 2 deal w his parents constantly & they get 2 see us a lot even when we dont want 2 (but hey what the fuck is courtesy right) & x went with 2 give chase some support

ma called my granma 2 do HER fam obligation (their relationship is super fucking strained @ this point 4 a ton of reasons that aint worth getting into)

i got the joy of hearing the conversation (bc ma puts phone on speaker) & like, my hearing is shit but i could hear enough words & tone & brain could supply the rest bc its shit ive heard bf 2 tell from context (& get confirmation ab after the fact later to fill in the rest)

which uhhhhhhhh

uhhhh

amounted 2 things i wasnt surprised 2 b hearing but

rly killed me & i keep thinking ab it &

boy did it sure “help” the depression im already mired in

cw 4 a shit ton of misgendering & other gross dysphoria & abuse bs

factsrok i had a fun experience i had 2 go outside so i wouldnt have complete melt down & scream my head off ecks oh your parents buggin hard? factsrok no my ma called my granma but had her on speaker loud enough i could hear enough so i heard granma constantly using wrong pronouns & dead name & talking loudly ab how "she was never like this bf jerry (birth da)'s ex wife got ahold of her (aka abuse turned me gay & trans)" & on & on in that mein how "she missed her little grandaughter" etc etc & in general how awful this was 4 HER etc ecks jesus fucking christmas crackers factsrok yeah real punch in the nuts ecks sit on a cactus and spin, grandma do you need us to come get you or anything factsrok & she wonders why i never wanna talk 2 her nah i talked w them after ma hung up on her & im mostly ok enough ecks ok /hugs factsrok hugs back im not gonna let her bs ruin what was a good time we watching a crimmus story & chillin ecks good im watchin chase's mom roll out plates to poison me factsrok oh lord ecks they all wanted to know where you were chase mentioned that mom deffo wanted to see us (the usual cutesy misgendering) for giving us stuff factsrok dying a slow death of being reminded who i cant b 2 ppl who should have my back lol & lol ofc ecks u da bes good sof boi & i will FITE factsrok ilu2 thank

so not only did i get fun 1st hand dysphoria meltdown from that

but x had a grate time wrt the usual bs @ chases parents bc they always do the same even tho they know we both trans dudes as well but either conveniently ignore/forget it or just plain refuse 2 acknowledge it as if by sheer repetition of she/her & “you girls” etc they can force us 2 be something else

our gifts were 2 sets of extremely girly matchy match pj sets that dont even fit (like, not by a long shot, these r obvs made 4 for-reals little smol girls........)

& that was def triggering as hell 4 me, idk ab x

i kept & keep thinking ab how much of a doll my ex step ma made me into

or how its HI-FUCKING-LARIOUS only not that the jokes on my granma i was queer as fuck bf any of the abuse ever happened)

its uh

its rly jarring also & honestly im afraid of when im going 2 reach my boiling point bc i can feel it coming, have felt it 4 a long time but never been brave enough

ive come a long way; confrontation has never been a thing i can do; like trying 2 grab electricity & hold it or some dumb shit like that

but i feel like i could, like i can, like i will if someone fucking does this 2 me again

i dont want 2 ruin things & make it worse 4 my parents or 4 chase

bc it wont change anything 2 yell @ either my granma or chases parents (or even not 2 yell but 2 counter whatever they say calmly

just the ACT of telling them 2 their face they r wrong, they r crushing me, they r killing me slowly each time they do this bullshit

it wont end well 4 any1 involved

but i cant take it any longer either

happy fucking holidays 2 us i guess

[helianthusrex]

gotten a couple ppl either @’ing me or messaging me by now so coming out of semi-hiatus 2 give a small public note here:

we are ok for the moment

- we dont live in the areas where mandatory evacs are going on--we live where its definitely going to dump a lot of weather on us, though

- we have options if we DO need 2 end up emergency evac’ing (theres a VA hospital set up we can go 2 according 2 chase; his parents work there & i guess they are preparing 4 that so thats just 1 option there)

- we live in a neighborhood where it tends 2 get pretty immediate responses 2 natural disasters/emergencies (like flooding, power outages, etc.)

- we are more likely gonna need 2 watch out 4 wind damage as an issue than anything else, from what i understand

- we have food, water, & other supplies (stuff like first aid & batteries/flashlights/etc.)

- we as prepared as we can get i guess

- thank 4 all the concern, we love yall

my thoughts go out 2 those who are in worse shape already--& those that will get hit way harder than we will during the weekend

[helianthusrex]

smol update

x made it safely thru 2 planes 2 their destination so yay 4 tiny slivers of good news

x’s da is struggling even on the ventilator; today they had 2 move him 2 a new room specifically bc he needs better oxygen or st (not clear on details but its not good news)

theres more i could prob say but its mostly needless whinging that detracts from this & its not ab me rn

thank 4 continued support @ yall (im srry im not respnding individually 2 commentary & messages i just dont have it in me rn)

[helianthusrex]

cleanup is slow & tedious & kind of depressing but at least its doing something instead of sitting around feeling srry 4 myself

our fridge looks ridiculous but im glad 4 what we at least still have (& our pantry looks less ridiculous so we arent starving, its just... awkward because the things we have are half of this or half of that for meals--like plenty of dry pasta but nothing 2 put on it, or bread but no meat or fixings for sandwiches, or cereal but no milk, etc.)

the good news (& there is some):

garbage collection is supposed 2 be on schedule tomorrow so all the gross rotty drippy food that spoiled & refroze (or didnt... refreeze...) in the 48+ hrs of florida humid heat when we were w/o power wont need 2 linger & cause any health problems or attract animals on our property

further semi-good news is our power is mostly stable so far (it flickers enough 2 make me nervous & 2 question storing anything long term in the fridge 4 the time being even if we can fill it up again; we think the brief interruptions might be partially to blame on the giant pump across from our property thats been working overtime 2 suck all the floodwater away, & also when the company is bringing more ppl back on line? we arent sure; it doesnt last long so far thankfully so no heatstroke 4 me which is my biggest fear after my heatstroke fiasco a few months ago)

tomorrow i have an appt that wasnt canceled since it was scheduled further out than the other appt; basically gonna be the same as the last 1s i guess: “this isnt helping, cross it off the list; still havent been able 2 get those tests bc the universe is out 2 get me but im still kicking, what now” but at least im still on schedule w/them

while we out we gonna try 2 get more water (we dont have much left but we had some gatorade collecting dust that should last short-term just in case tho itll limit our cooking options even further since tap water, even filtered, around here is enough 2 upset stomachs at best) & a few more supplies

im thinking positive; for all i know supplies are being shipped in since what we saw last night & itll be easy

in the meantime, gonna rest & then eat some of that tasty roasty chicken we managed 2 snag out of a nearly picked-clean display from a publix yesterday thumbsup.jpg (its hiding behind the chili in a coffee cup we picked up 4 x bc they ran out of chili cups at the wendys with the understandable overflow of customers lol)

thanks again 2 everyone thats been asking 4 updates & asking after our well being

we are doing fine just exhausted (in all the ways) & kind of zombiefied & waiting 4 things to not be quite so

gestures at everything

[helianthusrex]

so this year has not been a good one for me, im sure my silence for like 6 fucking months probably showed that some

theres a lot i could say esp ab how bad my health tanked this last month to the point i almost died (but hey i didnt so thats cool)

but the thought of doing it is kind of exhausting so i mean but maybe later

idk what to tag this as but under the cut is talk ab meds & disassociating & dying/illness & surgery & the like 

got a diagnosis after 15 fucking yrs which is sad & crazy & more sad bc it took me literally being on the verge of kicking the bucket to get it

according to all my paperwork, i have a reoccuring/relapse problem w/EBV which has been ongoing for at LEAST since i was 16 but is very likely to have been w/me since i was little given my history

i have CFS (or.. i guess SEID? supposedly the name got changed a few yrs back but its still more commonly known as CFS & thats what my doc is still calling it so im going w/that)

ive learned a lot ab my body this past month especially, & i cant decide if i find it amusing or dumb that a lot of my constant food cravings & need to eat constantly isnt actually entirely my fault at all hello so many deficiencies, even SALT for fucks sake lmfao

its all on paper they cant take any of it from me now & they cant deny me anymore

i need a diagnosis cake that i can slam in the face of every fucking doc ive seen & give them time to see “i was right” bf hand

i have a dead gallbladder which is morbidly interesting to me bc ive been coping w/o it for... way too long (judging by every hospital visit where everyone fixated on my gallbladder & ignored me telling them that wasnt the problem)

which means eventual surgery that i am very scared ab & am not sure how to deal w/yet & am trying to tell myself that id be getting surgeries down the road anyway for transition shit so this should be less of a big scary deal but thats not rly working hah

trying out some weird ass meds that make me disassociate & sleep forever & im not rly sure are working but i gotta give it the 3 wks bf passing judgement

got a pain doc that listens to me (im trying not to be super optimistic bc its only been 1 appt so far; another in 2 wks) but like

hes rly promising compared to the shitshow of the last doc who told me to my face that i was just fat & needed to lose weight but otherwise i was perfectly healthy (id JUST gotten released from the hospital after a 2 wk stay & nearly dying, id lost 15 lbs by this point & was literally sagging skin & bones from not being able to eat or drink for 3 wks, & barely surviving on iv fluids, but sure im perfectly healthy; i almost lost it at that point)

not to mention the docs in the hospital that almost killed me & the docs in the past that led up to this point bc they insisted on giving me a history of “gallbladder is the problem” when it wasnt

ive never felt so vindicated & frustrated & relieved & sad all at once as i have this past month

god i rly rly rly need this to work out so bad

p.s. apparently tumblr has become even more of a shitshow so im not even sure this post will show up?

[helianthusrex]

@thatkindoforc

re: school lunch thing

HOO BOY WHERE DO I START

the public highschool i went to was approx. 3k students iirc

we had security out the ass (presumably bc of school shootings but i never rly asked, i just found it a huge inconvenience @ the time rather than for safety or anything like that)

we were technically a very prestigious highschool bc of our art department (which was larger than the music + football combined) & i remember i had to take a lot of tests to get in, much less to land myself in the art classes/english advanced classes

side: nearly all of which i eventually tanked bc of depression, getting so severely sick in junior yr i missed 2-3 months of school, & a whole host of other problems that ended up w/my 4.5 gpa as a freshman divebombing into like a 2.something or other by the end BUT THATS A STORY FOR ANOTHER TIME

anyway my rambling is to talk ab:

we had so many students

we had classes divided into 4 (u would have 4 classes 1 day, then 4 dif classes the next day, which rotated so if u had english class, itd be every other day, & all classes lasted for like 1 1/2 hr periods w/breaks for lunch & a study/free period iirc)

bc our school colours were red/black, they were red days & black days which in hindsight is so stupid sounding lmfao

so depending on ur schedule, u could have lunch practically IN THE MORNING (like, 1 class, then lunch, & then suffer 3 classes bf getting to go home), or very very late in the afternoon, or somewhere in the middle

i cant remember how many dif lunch periods there were, but we had like. 15? 20? min to eat sandwiched into our schedules like this

the school lunches were shit

all the horror stories are true ab school lunches across public school spaces, even fancypants ones like mine & ill never not be over that like, sure feed ur kid shit thats gonna get them so sick they vomit & thats the good outcome, yep great

but added bonus that bc we were fancypants but u could still be in this school on like, assistance & shit, there were literal tiers of ppl in the lunches

so like, u had poor as fuck kids w/little to no lunch, brownbagging, & then those that could get the lunches but often wouldnt anyway bc the lunches were below the usual shit tier offered, or u had those that could at least afford it/werent on programs & it was passable edible if u looked at it but not if u ate it or were brave

unless it was like, a specific day of the week when they had these cheese breadstick things

those were the only thing edible bc they were from a local pizza place

i always ate those when they showed up lmfao

anyway we even had fucking vending machines, but they were so pricey that a lot of kids couldnt rly buy out of them bc see above so they just sort of existed to taunt u w/sugary things behind glass

i mostly brown-bagged plus used my smol as fuck allowance to sneak things i wasnt allowed to eat at home bc of this, since some of my friends were actually p “rich” in that they could regularly afford the rest of the stuff that was the “higher tier food” which meant bartering systems or shoving my allowance at them to get some of their food

i would regularly skip classes/my own lunch to go to lunch w/my friends bc i didnt want to be alone & i hated the classes i had scheduled for the day

i still have dreams/nightmares where im stuck endlessly wandering the halls, skipping classes that ive never shown up for even 1 time & theres no one around lmfao

also security guards everywhere

when u walked into the building, u HAD to have ur special school ID (which had to be updated/replaced very very regularly) or u were considered truant, got written up (it went in ur record) + a sticker ID u had to wear all day like the scarlet A; sometimes if it happened often enough u could either get sent home, suspended, or both

there was also the scans for making sure we didnt have anything on us like guns (those big overhead metal detectors + the handheld things)

u couldnt get lunch if u didnt have ur ID, & u couldnt go anywhere in the halls w/o ur ID, either, so like if u had to take a piss & u had the scarlet letter, u had to take the hall pass (but a lot of teachers wouldnt write hall passes soooo u had to wait for lunch, & see above for schedule conflicts there)

basically public highschool is terrible, mine wasnt that great for all the pretty gilding they tried to slap on it for parents to think otherwise, & there was like 1 class i genuinely liked that still didnt make it worth showing up for & im never not surprised when i think ab how going there contributed so greatly to my spiraling depression/suicidal ideations, & ultimate failure

like yeah, i was also struggling bc baby trans that didnt know shit ab being queer much less that i might be trans

but the whole place had a very prison vibe, no one was being fed anything nutritious if they got fed @ all, & u were only treated special if u were in specific classes (like i was), which got u so far & no further anyway, & in hindsight u bet ur ass it was very very coded toward white kids vs anyone else on getting less-shit tier lunches, less suspensions, hall passes, etc.

[helianthusrex]

he also did a surprising amount of work like this

i kept finding more little details each time i looked back at them

& boy do some of these rly have some of his opinions shining thru loud & clear

look at the lighting tho jfc

[helianthusrex]

the detail & brushwork in this is staggeringly tiny

(my hand for scale on the actual canvas)

[helianthusrex]

the dali museum is all ab dali obvs (w/a rotating smaller special exhibit that currently is ab frida kahlo)

i feel like none of the pictures we took away from this do the works justice but i wanted to share bc these are so amazing to me

it was a whole other experience getting to see this stuff in person & up close, & im still a bit boggled that 99% of what i saw was never even remotely covered in any of the classes i took

i missed out so bad growing up!

[helianthusrex]

a shot of the interior top floor that faced the outdoor exhibits

plus some misc stuff from the gift shop displays & the outdoor exhibits themselves

among other things, they had a bunch of visitor bracelets as paper chains on a tree next to a small display tribute for the gardens that frida once had in her home

[helianthusrex]

more dali works we got to see

i really had no idea he did more than just surrealist stuff so i think finding this out was one of my fav parts of the exhibit

i also learned he rly admired pablo picasso

[helianthusrex]

some stuff from the frida exhibit

im still overwhelmed by all that i got to see, for a lot of personal reasons

[helianthusrex]

photos from our trip out to st pete

this is probs the boring part for anyone else but the drive there was super pleasant; it was sunny & the sky was very full of clouds

basically, picturesque day for going across a very long ass bridge & seeing the bay in the process

we even saw dolphins breaking on the surface a couple times