#idk what it is exactly but i am still thinking in english while listening to/reading french | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

imagines-by-cleo · 2 years ago

Note

I hope your illness gets better soon!! This is my first time requesting, and sorry my English is bad. It is not my native language.

I really like Miller from MGSV. So, I’m so happy that you write about him! Can I request a fic that the reader walks into Miller drinking alone, and he being drunk accidentally confesses to the reader?

Please take your time. Get well soon, and I hope you have a nice day🤗

Thank you so much friend! It's so nice to hear you enjoy my fics and it's great to get back into writing with these requests, I am grateful for every single one of them!

This ended up being super long and super fluffy but I had fun writing (cause omg I love Kaz) it and I think you'll like it too, idk if you wanted smut but that's what I wrote and if you want to avoid it you can stop after the page divider. I'm finishing these requests slow but I swear I am finishing them and I'm trying to make them worth the wait. I appreciate your patience but most of all I appreciate the time everyone takes to read these.

CW: Alcohol, whump, fluff, consent is sexy, nipple play, fingering, oral sex (fem receiving), masturbation, dirty talk, unprotected sex

The overwhelming stench of warm sake filled your nose before you even opened the door to Miller's office, telling you exactly how you were going to spend the rest of the night. As you stepped in you found the room covered in a cloud of smoke from a kiseru pipe while music from at least a decade prior played loudly.

"Master Miller?" You called, though he didn't answer.

There he was sitting behind his desk in a daze, half here and half in the 70s, not even noticing your presence until you snuck over and turned the record player off. Grabbing a nearby wastebin you made short work of clearing out the many bottles around the room, one of which was still in his hand as he tried to pour the last few drops directly into his mouth.

"We should get some tequila shipped in." He mused.

"We had some. You drank it." You said a little too bluntly, but he probably wouldn't remember if you were being rude.

"One time... Back in MSF I had to much tequila and... I don’t really remember but the guys told me they had to get me down from a table and put my pants back on." His expression would change every time he trailed off from looking like he could cry to trying not to bust out laughing, but it was nice to see a twinkle in those clouded blue eyes.

You held in a snicker while you listened, it might have been nice to see Kaz in his party days but you're sure you would have to do the same thing you did now only you would have to wrestle his pants back on and he would have two more limbs to fight you off with.

Speaking of, you looked around for his crutch but couldn't find it anywhere, it had a funny way of disappearing when Kaz was drinking. With a sigh you walked up to his chair and grabbed his arm to stand him up, he leaned into you when you put his arm around your shoulder to walk him out.

"Wait a minute." He held a finger up, then pointed it at the desk where his sunglasses were sitting, prompting you to take them and gently put them on his face before leaving.

"Happy now?" You asked, only getting a hum in response.

It was becoming routine to help him out like this, normally you didn't think twice about it but tonight there was something about the heat coming from his body and the faint sweet smell of smoke carried in his clothes that made you realize how intimate the situation was. It was somewhat against protocol to be this close with a commanding officer but maybe it had the potential to become more than that. It was hard to admit now, but that was part of the reason you came here tonight. Only you couldn't really ask him about his feelings while he was completely wasted, the least you could do was make sure he was taken care of.

Putting the thought away as you left his office you headed toward his room, it wasn’t far but it felt much longer with an entire man slumped over your shoulder. While you were struggling Kaz was having the time of his life, humming a song and occasionally mumbling the words out of tune.

When you got to his room you found it was both bare and a complete mess. No pictures or anything to decorate the dull grey walls, clothes were thrown haphazardly on the floor and unmade bed and the only window had blackout curtains drawn closed. You stepped carefully through the mess, trying not to let yourself or Kaz trip on anything that had been left around.

This was the first time you had actually been inside since he would stagger back in alone once you got him this far but tonight he had been drinking too much to even do that. Its not that it was any of your business, but after discovering how he lived you started to get worried.

"Hey, I noticed you've been drinking more since the Boss brought home those MSF soldiers that were wandering around. I hope it's not bringing back any unpleasant memories." You pointed out figuring your best shot at getting clarification was while he was like this.

For a minute as he got quiet you were worried he was about to get angry at you, but to your surprise he answered honestly. "No, they're good memories. But that's all they are."

Deciding not to press the issue further, you changed the subject. "Let's get you to bed."

"You take such good care of me, that's why I love you." He laughed.

"Yeah, right." You replied, it was a strange thing for him to say but you chalked it up to him being drunk.

Sliding out from under his arm you proceeded to stand him up carefully as he swayed side to side, pulling his coat off quickly before he tipped over completely without your help. A blush rose on your cheeks when you unbuttoned his shirt, maybe it wasn't completely necessary but you didn't want him just falling asleep in it. Hesitating a moment when you reached for his glasses, once you uncovered his eyes you noticed how they had been fixed on you as if he was looking for something.

"What is it?" You asked.

The hand threading into your hair and cradling the back of your head caught you off guard, before you knew it Kaz' lips were on yours. The taste of sake was still strong and his mouth was so warm, you put your hands on his broad chest but couldn't find the strength to push him back. He pulled away just to continue across your jaw and behind your ear, you shuddered at the feeling, wishing you could just give in to it.

"Kaz, wait." You interrupted.

He stopped almost immediately but he stayed where he was, whispering his confession into your ear. "I meant it."

"You're drunk." You replied, pushing him into a seated position on the bed.

"Come here." He told you before dragging you down onto his lap, his poor balance causing the two of you to fall back onto the mattress together.

His body fit perfectly against yours while he kissed you again, it felt so natural to have him hold you like this that you were tempted to just give in. The groan he made when he rolled his hips up into you vibrated through your whole body, making you gasp in response after feeling the hard bulge that pressed into your thigh.

You lifted yourself up and looked down at him, pushing a golden strand of hair away from his pink face revealing his half lidded eyes that locked with yours.

"We can't do this." You sighed, climbing off the bed. "Not tonight."

He grabbed your hand before you walked away, so he could request. "Stay with me at least?"

Staring at the door, you contemplated what you should do before answering. "I'll stay until you fall asleep."

A low snore from behind told you that would be sooner than you thought, you turned and found Kaz was already fast alseep. You smacked your palm to face in frustration, more upset with yourself for expecting anything different.

Did that bastard really just confess his love to you and then pass out drunk? At the very least you knew you had made the right decision to turn him down for now anyway, but this was going to make for a delicate situation the next day if he even remembered half of what happened. How would you even go about explaining it to him, and would he expect a reaction from you?

With a tired groan you looked around the room for something to tidy up and keep you busy while you pushed the important questions off until tomorrow.

An all to bright ray of sunlight shining straight onto his face woke Kaz up, muttering curses he squeezed his eyes shut while reaching for his glasses on the nightstand. He knew exactly where they were though he didn't remember setting them there, come to think of it he didn't even remember how he got into his room last night but he wasn't inclined to think too hard about it now.

He sat up slowly to not irritate his throbbing head or aching body, leaning on the wall as he staggered into the bathroom. There was a bottle of water and some seltzer waiting on the sink, he didn't bother to question who put it there, as far as he was concerned it was a gift from God.

After chugging his drink and splashing some water on his face Kaz stared in the mirror, questioning the actions that put him here once again, but all the regret in the world wasn't going to change the fact that he was going to have to get dressed sooner or later. Instinctively he looked around the floor for his clothes finding they were all gone, someone had neatly folded yesterday's clothes and set them on his dresser while the rest were put in the drawers. There wasn't much he remembered about the night before but he was damn sure he didn't do any of that and before he could wonder how they got there he heard a stirring across the room.

Kaz nearly jumped out of his skin when he turned to find you sleeping curled up in an armchair. Knowing you had been there all night answered the question of why his room was so clean, but he was starting to feel guilty for having brought you here in the first place.

He came up to you as quietly as possible, you looked kinda cute, laying there with the sun shining on your messed up hair as you softly snored. Kaz found himself wishing he woke up next to this in his bed rather than across the room. He watched for a minute noticing the way you had your arms wrapped around your body, you must have been cold, immediately he went to grab a blanket from his bed and draped it gently over you. A satisfied smile rose on his face while he watched you snuggle into the warmth, his hand lingered on your shoulder after tucking you in. Slowly your eyes fluttered open, still hazed and tired as you looked up at him.

"Did you get that water I left for you?" You asked.

"Yeah, I did." He answered, he should have figured that was from you.

"That's good." You replied while yawning, wiggling around to get comfortable. "Are you feeling okay?"

"I don't know why you're still worried about me." He laughed, it was strange the way you looked after him when all he could really do was bring you a blanket.

"Someone has to be." You answered, rubbing your eyes and makeing the dark circles under them more apparent. "Besides, you were pretty wasted last night."

"Right, I must have kept you up pretty late. Why don't you take my bed and get some rest?" He requested, reachingout to you. "Do it for me."

Kaz led you over to the bed just a few feet away while you staggered over half awake without even questioning him. He tucked you in again before turning to leave and get ready for for his day if it wasn't too late.

"I don't know why you stayed here and went through all this trouble." He mumbled, more to himself than anything.

"You told me to stay last night." You answered, to his surprise.

"I hope that's all I told you." He laughed.

"Well there was one thing..." You continued, sitting up, the words sendinga chill down his spine. "You made a move on me, you kissed me actually."

Kaz really shouldn't have been surprised, he knew he had feelings for you since the day he met you but he wasn't about to tell anyone. It was only a matter of time until something slipped out, especially when you were around so much. He spent those few precious seconds of silence racking his brain to try and remember what exactly he said and more importantly how to respond.

"It was kinda nice knowing you felt the same way, but I wish you'd told me when you weren't drinking; or maybe when we both were." You shrugged, looking up at him in this sweet innocent way that he just couldn't stand.

"Listen..." He started, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "I appreciate everything you've done, in fact I'm in more debt to you than I like to think about, but don't you think you'd be better off spending your time doing something else? With someone else?"

"I like spending time with you." You answered, reaching for his hand. "And I don't mind helping out every now and then."

"I don't deserve someone like you taking care of me." He confessed, it felt harsh coming out but he couldn't just let you keep doing this.

He wasn't expecting you to say anything after that, much less turn his face toward you and kiss him. It was his last chance to push you away but he wanted you more than he should have and let you come closer.

When you broke off you whispered "Please, don't talk about yourself like that."

It was a little jarring to have you showing him affection like that, every nice thing you did confused him and he always felt guilty for wanting more but he never thought he was more than a burden to you. Knowing you really felt for him changed everything, and his heart pounded as he allowed himself to be vulnerable for just once.

You crawled over, straddling his lap before taking his sunglasses off. He wrapped his arm around you while you shared a deep and thoughtful stare for a good long while.

"I love seeing your eyes." You broke the silence.

He just had to kiss you after that, holding you tighter while his lips moved softly against yours. For a brief moment he felt your tongue touch his bottom lip, inviting him to to take the opportunity and explore your mouth with his own. He slid his tongue in deep and fast making you moan in surprise before simply allowing him free access to taste you. You pressed your chest into his without breaking the kiss, taking his hand and guiding it under your shirt to touch between your breasts and for a second he could feel your heart beating fast.

Circling one nipple with his thumb, he felt it perk up in his hand until it was stiff, that made it much easier to pinch and tease making you twitch in his grasp. He lifted your shirt up higher so he could pop the other nipple into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it and gently sucking.

While he was playing with your tits you unbuttoned your pants, doing your best to pull one leg out of them without climbing off his lap. Pushing him away just for a moment to take his shirt off before pulling him back against your chest, running your fingers through his messy hair while he continued.

Your other hand drifted down, exploring his chest and anywhere else that you could. Then you reached for his boxers, tugging at the waistband before he caught your hand by the wrist.

"Not so fast, it's my turn to take care of you." Kaz stopped you, he would have loved to get out of that increasingly tight fabric but he had plans fo you first.

"But I wanna-" You whined.

He cut you off. "Do I have to pull the commanding officer card?"

You giggled. "Maybe."

"Alright. Spread your legs as far as you can. That's an order." He told you before tugging your pants the rest of the way down, and your panties along with it.

Starting by running his hand across your folds, making sure you were good and wet before he teased your entrance. Sliding a single finger in and out slowly, he pulled it all the way out before stuffing it back in as far as it would go then curling it inside you.

"Ah! Do that again!" You cried out, prompting him to go faster.

You held on to his shoulders, leaning in to kiss his neck between desperate pants. Kaz sighed at the soft touch of your wet lips and the warmth of your quick breaths. Pressing the heel of his palm against your clit made you roll your hips into him. It wasn't long until he had you cumming all over his hand and squeezing his fingers tight, your whole body shaking as you gripped him tighter to keep your balance.

After your last few spasms he fell back onto the soft sheets, kneading his fingers into your thigh and guiding you to climb over until you were straddling his face. It was like you read his mind when you lowered yourself onto his lips, and he wasted no time licking up every drop of wetness that dribbled out of you. He groaned at the sweet sticky flavor of you, reaching his tongue into your core and swirling it around to taste more.

Taking notice of how your legs would flex and shake around him, he also noiticed he couldn't hear you making any kind of noise. Pausing and looking up he noticed you were bitting down hard on your bottom lip, most likely in an effort to keep quiet.

"Hey! Don't hold back. Let me hear it." Kaz ordered, slapping the inside of your thigh.

Moaning immediately in response you didn't hold anything back, even when the sounds you made weren't so dignified. Though every little noise from you went straight to his crotch and he could feel himself twitching in his boxers that were starting to get just a little too tight. It was hard not to get off with a sense of pride when he made you cum once with his fingers and again into his mouth, if you weren't completely numb yet you would have felt him grining like a maniac against your sensitive skin.

It was easy enough to toss you over onto your back, you were putty in his hands while he pushed your legs apart and situated your body just how he needed it. The whole time you looked at him with this hungry half lidded gaze, something more sensual than anything you'd see in a magazine.

"Haven't had enough yet?" He teased, making you shake your head.

The front of his boxers were a tented mess, his swollen cock leaking and begging to be touched. Kaz couldn't help bit give it a few strokes before he lined it up, throwing his head back in relief of finally getting some stimulation. The thought crossed his mind to just keep pumping and finish all over you, but something told him he could make you cum one more time.

Climbing over you and starting slow, only giving your overstimulated pussy few inches at a time. You made a low whine that made his cock twitch when his entire length was inside, you lifted your knees up to your chest, welcoming him in deeper.

Everything about you at this point was a dripping mess, and Kaz loved it. From the way your hair was tossed to the dazed look in your eyes, and how your tits still wet with his spit would heave with every breath. Having you bucking up into him still desperate as all hell was just cherry on top.

"Never thought I'd see you like this." He remarked.

"Get used to it." You teased between moans.

Every move he made seemed to elicit some new decadent reaction, the way you were gasping and moaning under him like he was taking the very air out of your lungs made his heart pound. He could only deduce that you were about to cum again and he adjusted accordingly, with a few harsh targeted thrusts that rattled the bed beneath you he had you babbling his name one last time while your thighs twitched and eventually went limp.

He was trying to keep his weight off of you by staying propped up on his arm, until you hooked your arms under his shoulders and pulled him down closer to you. Closing what little distance you had between the two of you had him sinking in even deeper, making him groan at the feeling of being completely engulfed by you.

"You feel so good." He panted, picking up the pace. "You're gonna make me..."

Kaz was about to pull out before you wrapped your legs around his waist, keeping him locked inside until it was too late. The warmth of your body burning him up and the sound of his wet skin hitting yours was getting to be more than he could handle. Pushing into you with a last few shallow thrusts, his pulse was racing and he even felt his knees twitch while he emptied inside of you.

There was no way of telling how long the two of you sat like that, he couldn't move or even think and you were still holding onto him for dear life. When he did eventually get some control back he kissed you deeply, only breaking of to suck in a little bit of air before pressing his mouth to yours again. When he pulled away you reached up and pushed the hair away from his face so you could see his eyes, not saying anything but but simply sharing a deep moment.

"I hope you weren't planning on walking anywhere today." He teased, still out of breath.

"You're lucky it's my day off." You replied.

"I guess I am pretty lucky." He chided, rolling off of you.

Something sharp poked into his side making him jump, he reached to see what the object was only to find his sunglasses now bent out of shape. Before he could even curse about it you took them out of his hand and put them on, making him laugh at the lopsided lenses only covering half your face.

"I guess you're not going anywhere without these." You commented.

"It's already too late to get work done anyway." He remarked.

"Oh no, we'll just have to stay in our big comfy bed for the rest of the day." You teased, voice dripping with sarcasm while you laid your head on his chest.

"That doesn't sound too bad." He laughed, wrapping his harm around you.

Laying there together, watching the sun rise higher outside and forgeting about work one soft sigh at a time. It was more than Kaz could have hoped for when he woke up with a hangover. He wasn't sure what he did to deserve this, but he'd have to figure it out so it could happen again.

"Hey..." You broke the silence when you looked up at him grinning. "Tell me that story about you getting drunk in MSF and taking your pants off."

"Wha- Who told you about that?" He stammered.

"You did." He should have known.

"Right, well anyway. This was back when we first got to Costa Rica and we found this little cantina by..."

While Kaz continued his story he thought about how he would normally feel about the old days, using the the anger he felt at the loss of his home and his comrades as a reason to go on and seek vengeance. All his life now was just looking in the past and only going forward to try and find a way to restore it, until now he felt that was the only way. Maybe it was time for a change. Hearing you laugh and smile at his stupid stories made him realize there was a possibility of a future and a new home, and it was all right in front of him.

#kazuhira miller #kazuhira miller x reader #metal gear solid #mgsv #mgsv kaz #mgs fanfiction #mgs fanfic #mgs x reader

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twentyfivemiceinatrenchcoat · 7 months ago

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ari should i watch the apothecary diaries? i've been kinda interested in it for a while + you keep hyping it up... today i woke up with the opening playing in my head

i agree with what you said about jinshi, his behavior reminds me a little of cult leader geto's antics... he's so pathetic... (my all time most favorite genre of men after motherly). he's also so so beautiful and the lining of his outer thing (sorry i don't know what it's called... fake chinese moment) is really similar to the sash on geto's gojo kesa... which i think is sooooo beautiful as well

n my friend said i'm realllllyy similar to maomao so this will probably be a self-indulgent watch for me... read her backstory and it's making me so sad but she comes across as so strong... i'm already so attached to her it's not even funny. also i didn't know your whole family was into anime!! that's so wholesome and cute..

about the kenny plushes, they don't sell very well (especially in the jp fandom!) so you can get them for sooo cheap. you can use a proxy if you really want to! i use sendico and the shipping isn't bad! i know they ship to a lot of smaller european countries too ^ ^

i can NOT believe they got lost at sea. omfg i am fuming for you that is so very sad. we should track down the ship. that lost it. it's negligence.

are you talking about these? https://jp.mercari.com/item/m92282289388 i actually have the cat plush one that's fairly similar! https://jp.mercari.com/item/m20944297256 N ABOUT THE MERCH I JUST.......... ORDERED A LOOK UP.... finally found geto's for a reasonable price :( now i just have to wait for golden week to end for it to shipp,.w;...... AND THIS ONE https://jp.mercari.com/item/m89522427367 where he looks so hot that i'm literally about to die

thank you so much for listening to my rambles!! :D <3 🌖🌖

🌖 ANONNNNNNNN

YOU SHOULDDDD YOU SHOULD!!!!!!! it’s super duper duper good!!!!!!!!!!!! it’s so great!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the plot is amazing and the animation is gorgeous and the characters are so so charming…. JINSHI IS LITERALLY CULT LEADER GETO just. less evil. and more flirty. he’s kinda like…. if you mixed cult leader geto and teen toru in one big bowl. BUT HE’S GENUINELY VERY SIMILAR TO HOW I PICTURE CULT!GETO BEING W A CRUSH…. like….. in an au where there aren’t any complications and you’re on his side. i think he’s soooo silly and bratty and pouty. but he wants you to lean on him so badly.

he makes me insane btw motherly/pathetic men are the actual standard ANYWAYYY MAOMAO. i adore her!!!!! just as much as jinshi!!!!!! 🥺 AND WE’RE TWINNING SO HARD 🌖 ANONNNNN i see myself as super similar to her too 😭😭 just. the way she acts…. but she rlly is so lovely and funny and soso strong!!!! she’s a wonderful character……

AND YES KINDA PHDKDJ … honestly it’s mostly just. me and my two older brothers. but my mom likes manga!!! i think she’s still caught up on detective conan to this day…. the amount of chapters are frankly really silly i can’t believe it’s still ongoing 💀 BUTTT i do force my older sis to watch anime w me sometimes :3 yesterday i made her binge dungeon meshi w me!!! i’m still not nearly finished w it (and all the episodes aren’t out yet!!) but i recommend it SO strongly it’s so feel-good but also so???? idk. it’s special. and i adore laios like nothing else…. mr puppydog…….

BUT WAHHHHHH :((((((( kenny being neglected…. sniffle……… i tried using that site but it does Not work for me lmao it won’t let me register my credit card :’3 and i’m worried since i can only write my name and adress using english letters…… the kenny stuff rlly was so cheap grrr i’m mad. but oh well!!!

AND YES EXACTLY IT’S THOSE CATS!!!! 🥺🥺 wahhhhh i need the goken set so BADLY just look at them…. the meowmeows ever…….

all the merch you linked…. GRRRRR you are tempting me so hard rn 😭😭 THAT ONE OFFICIAL GETO ART. need him so bad. he looks soooooo fucking good it should be illegal…… i’m also sooooo jealous you found geto’s look up!!!!! i need to hunt him down!!!!!!!!!!!! but i can’t spend any more money on merch this month…. sobs…….. I’M ALWAYS VERY HAPPY TO HEAR ABT YOUR MERCH ESCAPADES THOUGHHH i hope your sugus reach you safely!!!!! pls send pics once he comes home plspls 🥺🥺🥺

#ILY 🌖 ANON<33333 #i love your rambles sosomuch!!!!!!#thank u for chatting as always <333 #i’ll let you know whenever i get my hands on more merch tooo!!!!!#ask tag ✩#🌖 anon !! ✩

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strangerstoryteller · 2 years ago

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It's been a while. Isn it? How are you doing?

I guess doing pretty well since you succeeded in ignoring me even in my dreams. You have successfully passed the test. I am proud of you!.. Anyways,

It feels empty now that you're gone. Honestly I hate this version of me. I know I have done wrong. If only I was aware that the boundaries you had made were for me. I did felt that love you had for me. But I guess I was delusional to not realize it earlier, to think otherwise, to doubt it... I feel like I barely told you about me and there is so many things left to tell you. I feel like so... A part of me I kept hidden cz I didn't want that part to be seen by you.. I thought if I did, it might give you the wrong idea and thought time would heal and tell and probably when I'll be comfortable enough to talk about it I will tell you .. And now maybe I won't be able to show that side to you anymore as it's not that necessary.... However as usual it's always been that side of me that keeps messing on with my life. I'm trying,,I'm trying to heal to be a human. But it seems so hard to do so.

I have always talked with you in English cause with it the words didn't felt that heavy... The words seems to have it's own way to express me....

I love the idea of being in love. I want to be in one as well. But getting loved by someone, it just never felt right for me. I have always fancied this, the emotions, the feelings, and everything. With it I was able to hide and create my own world. You know everytime someone said 'I love you's to me I was able to find the reasons behind those words coming from them. Whereas I couldn't find the reason behind yours. Thank you for being the person.

For me, I have always seen the world differently. I guess you noticed some of it. The way my thinking works. I can't really control any of it..

You see I'm just some pathetic complicated human being who's too easy to read for the closed ones.. Tapi once said that I'm a people pleaser. I always had been. I can't say no to someone that easily. Since then I could connect the dots that how badly I have been treating myself. Even though I have been trying to fix this part of me for more than a year or so. It's painful to be selfish when half of your life passed pleasing people. It just never felt right, being selfish for my ownself. Idk how much you have got to see those parts of me. Cause while with you I tried to be better. I guess I just failed everytime.

I always had to understand elders situations. And with you I did the same yet I failed to know you like that... While trying to know others, I forgot to understand me. How to be me. How was I supposed to react. What exactly am I. I'm still searching.

Before, whenever there was something painful going around me. Those nights with tearful eyes you would just show up like an angel . Those pains started to feel like less heavier to me. Even during the day, I would just try to find something interesting to tell you at night. From being a depressed human being I started becoming more cheerful. Trying to be more adventurous... Trying to get better, to get to love myself.. to enjoy the life to its fullest... My whole universe started to depend on you. Which is why I even started to tell you my thoughts which I used to keep to myself. You see whenever someone is less appreciated, find someone who's eager to listen to them, to know them, they just can't help but pour everything. There were things I couldn't tell my friends but I was able to tell you. I'm grateful for that.

I overthink a lot. I always tried to understand others but no one did that for me. Yet that day I only asked you that question that, what if I get into a relationship was to see how you'd react. You behaved as usual, giving mixed signals that you wouldnt care. The next I remember you talking about risk, you ain't gonna accept if your wife, if she turns out to be in love before or something like that.

I figured that it won't last yet I told you cause I thought what if I'm just assuming the love you had for me.. I still told you cause I thought if I don't tell you what happened I won't feel good. I would keep on feeling guilty for not being the perfect one for you. Even though I didn't planned it to happen this way, still it would eat me up in the future if by any miracle I get to be with you.. I hoped that you would understand me. I know my way of words were wrong all these time. I was not playing with you neither with the other guy.. Instead of being clear to you I kept on messing cause I was so afraid to loose you. I was afraid of the fear I had since the last 2 years. It seems like I already lost you.. like the saying whatever you're afraid of happening will happen... I really needed your help,,,pretty bad.. but that one sentence literally broke me, left me feeling like I'm unworthy of everything... Unworthy of being someones first priority... And once again reminded me that I failed... Before you losing me,,, I lost you...

For a normie it's not even that huge of a reason to grew apart. Yet I knew that it would affect both you and me. Remember when I said "ভালোবাসা টের পাওয়া যায়।" believing this I told you to stay clean... I thought what I had was true and no matter what you'd understand...

I have always been conservative. And that rickshaw thing, I grew up going to school with some outsider of my family..he was our manager... He was like a brother to me. He left when I was in 9 or 10 I don't remember... And bhaia, I still ride his Scooty .. Riding a rickshaw with a friend who was like a brother to me, I barely give it a second thought that it could be like this or it could hurt you like this.. I do maintain my gap but still it barely came to my mind that it would or might hurt you..

This time I know I made a huge mistake by not saying no strictly. I wanted you to talk with him. Cause I had trust in me that I didn't do anything wrong like giving him hint or something. And yes you pointed it out that I called him over. But while calling him over I made this clear in the call that look brother it's not like we're on a date, you can come over casually. We're just hanging out as friends. Yet he gave me those flowers. I was in no position to run away from it cause he would follow me or could have made a scene. I kind of got nervous and afraid at the same time. Which is why I had to take it and then give it to Dia. I thought of throwing it away but since I went to her house and she needed to cheer up for her exam I thought it's the same whether I threw it or give it to someone else. Which is why I gave it to her. Cause I didn't want to keep that flower with me.. He was planning on sending me off.. If it wasn't for the money short he probably would have done that. So when he was busy making short notes I took a rickshaw and came home. If it was normal I would have just give you photos to make you jealous and then tell you the whole story properly. But I guess it wouldn't work since you're having trouble with the rickshaw thing. I can't change the reality but with all my heart's respect to you, I never cheated on you. Even if I had to swear,, I would have done that. But it seems like I can't really erase this matter from your heart. People always get hurt from those whom they loved the most. And unknowingly but true that I had hurt you more than ever.

You always have been reserved about your emotions and barely told me things that hurt you.. I tried to make these words out from your mouth but you kept on running. And I ended up getting mixed signals, got unsure about your love... And I assumed that even if I told you out that night you would have your ways out... I don't know I'm not sure but my assumption said you would run... I'm sorry for not being able to believe in your intuition..

Nevertheless it turned out to be a hell for me. And I couldn't handle it. I was flabbergasted by his behaviors and mine, as well as yours... Even though I stayed strict to my values I couldn't control the situation. Later whenever we talk about it with you, it kept annoying me. I became more afraid to lose you and at some point I was sure of it that I might loose you. I'm sorry I couldn't keep it. And to save it I accidentally added more fuel to this situation losing control of my everything...

I know It was wrong of me to compare you with him. It does sound that way even if I didn't mean it. I didn't meant to hurt you. I knew your situation and mine as well. Yet at that time I was furious that you kept on bringing this when you could have been the person to give me flowers. You could have been the person to fight the whole world if someone wanted to chase me... It never mattered to me whether I get flowers from you or not until that day I only wanted to make you feel good by saying you could have given me flowers and that flowers from that other guy would never mean anything to me. Besides unlike my wish he gave 4 different flowers ... You could have been the person to give me 3 different color flowers or a dolonchapa,, or anything which you'd give would have been special to me..... But it turned out to be like I was comparing you to him... I never meant to... He was not even on my list cause I had you in my whole brain and everywhere.

As a girl getting flowers or proposals is normal however girls only stick to the ones they love, ones proposals or flowers. They might get those from friends but those barely meant anything to them. I never had any feelings for the other guy and I'm sure I'll never had that. You see when one loves someone dearly no other human nature can make heed to them or change that feeling...

And before all this when I told you he was a playboy during that time I thought he was. Later he seemed mature and not giving playboy vibes. His father died and as always my people pleaser or empathetic side told me as a friend you should give him strength. He once talked about hanging out. After his father's death. And I thought maybe this could console him. It was a better way for me to kill two birds with one stone. And that's what I did. I was never planing to hurt you. Whether it's to know how you'd react or not and also at the same time being a good friend. I didn't thought that this gonna hurt you this bad..

They say maybe I have made a mistake but it wasn't that strong enough to leave me. They said if he loved you he wouldn't have left.. They said I don't love myself either which is why I'm like this. I'm letting myself treated like this...They try to give me strength by saying that I didn't deserve any of it. And I know as a friend I had suggested you to leave me as well...

I have had high expectations but these girls would literally make them more higher like getting a hold off the moon. Yet look at me. The moon I had, tormented me in a way that I can't love myself anymore... Even though I haven't done anything wrong still I can't forgive myself for loosing you. They says that it's bad, I'm putting you first instead of myself. What shall I do?? You were the light who made it full. And then you stole that light away... Am I really that cruel to you? Really that bad to give up? Did I really broke your trust? When I could have keep this whole thing to myself even after knowing that you would never tolerate this...

You see the moon itself is full of scars. Yet the sun gives it light to get full once in a month or so. Aphrodite, the beauty goddess she's also full of scars. Yet loved by many. I still wonder whether I had any scars or not but still I couldn't be someone dearest to you that it will make you feel afraid of losing me!? I sometimes feel the need of asking you how was I to you...

Shahrukh Khan once said in one of his talk shows that "love is showed, felt, expressed ... however once you feel the need of expressing it using words that's when you loose it." And at some point I felt the need of it. I felt that if I don't tell you, you would go away like sweet nothings... And I couldn't stand that.. I could never be happy if I didn't told you how much you mean to me. I have done this with my father and ever since then I have regretted that why I couldn't hold him in my hands why I couldn't tell him that I loved him... It's always been a regret... And with you I didn't want that to happen...

I know I'm complicated in some cases but you made me believe that I'm hard to love as well. And reminded me not to pull down the walls of my high expectations. I don't know if I would ever be able to love someone or not. But everytime I'll happen to like someone you will be my frame of reference for loving that person and I would compare you to them and they would fail... Even though I was sure that I always had to do arrange marriage I accepted the reality before you,, but after you I'm sure that nobody will be able to reach to my that high expectations. Be able to reach your standard. And I'll have to accept which could have been the bare minimum and been written in my fate..

You remember the very first meet? Ever since then I have been trying to be better... Like you said you hated makeup I didn't even bother to put up one in that meet... And in the second that was my casual look... Since the very first meet I had this feeling that if I mixed with you I would fall for you. Even though I wanted to stay neutral I couldn't cause I was wonderstrucked by you ... Your behaviors, ethics, moral, ambitions even before I met you... I could feel it change day by day... Which is why I tried keeping distance... Until I realized the more I would keep it to myself the more disaster it will be for me.. I couldn't say a word without being awkward or uncomfortable around you cause I had these emotions bottling up... I wondered that slight touch from second meet for almost a year... I couldn't get over it.. and as always I would run back to you... the massages ... I tried to run away from you but your one single massage would turn my whole world upside down...

They said I deserved better... But I had always wanted you... And now that you're gone. It's hard to even accept that someday, someone else will marry you, will occupy your ring finger and you will have a girl who would resemble her and you would completely forget me. From each and everyday to once in a while to never I suppose... I'm not ready to accept that even though I know that's how it's supposed to be. Which is why I wanted to be the best for you. Even though I failed I wanted to be better to be the person for you..

Like all those stories I wrote,, I somehow knew that we wouldn't last like those thousands happy ending stories... And I think that you did it too..

I believe in Marilyn Monroe once noted, " I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. "

Deep down I knew you were never going to be mine. Yet I tried... I wanted to change my fate with you... I prayed. But when I started asking that does it worth it. Whether you're really in my fate or not. Whether I'm the one for you or not whether you have anything for me or not. Asking what were we??..That's when I started losing you... And that quote being said, everything happens for a reason happens to replay in my head.. And maybe, maybe this is falling apart so that better things for both of us can fall together...

I suppose you regretted to meet me. How I wished we met somewhat different circumstances.. where I could at least have a happy ending with you. Where I could accept you without any worries or where you were able to be accept me the way I'm. Where I had the chance to make everything alright. Where I would make a box of letters to remind us once again why we fell for each other and everytime we broke up, the next we get to see each other, we will throw a glass of water as a revenge come back... How I wish I could say that sentence once again in every stories of mine about you that you're the only man I love... And people getting cringed over my expressions telling me not to fell hard cause the breakdown will be deeper than the falling... How I wish I was your first priority... How I wish to relive each and every moment of falling in love with you. Observing you.. I'm sorry my observing or obsession is different... I can literally watch your vids or photos all day long.. and those staffs like checking out your ig followers those barely mean anything to me.. I wish I loved you just the same way you wanted me too.. If only we were same in real life to collide and stay together until the end. If only we were truly meant for completing each other....

Remember the last time when you asked about being friends.. I couldn't cause I can't look at you like a friend do... I can't erase this from me... And no matter how much I still wanna have something with you, some kind of relationship or bond except being lovers or friends I would rather choose death than being friends with you... cz it's the same for me, being devastatingly broken, dead or being able to be friends with you once again... I can't pull that shit twice for which I had experienced the love in your eyes... Imagined you to be the one for more than a year.....

I know this should not make a huge difference in you. I'm sorry if writing this letter annoys you, gives you more pain. I'm sorry for everything.

One last thing I wanna wish for you, from this day, that you get the girl who loves you thousand times more than I did and that time you accept her the way she is, make her your first priority... and when we cross our paths I wanna see you smile while holding her close to you with your one hand with the little girl or boy.. Just be happy. I hate goodbyes... Hate losing peoples I love... you know that people had left me/us at some point of my life... Which is why I wished to meet you whether it's only you or with your girl in the coming future ... If that's possible...

Make sure you be happy and don't make me feel regret of losing you or making you unhappy for whole life .. I only need some excuse to see you for the whole life... If possible please show up even if it's for once in a while... Whether it's in my city or somewhere else...I won't be asking for too much except this excuses to see you once in a while...

This was the answer to your YouTube video... Thank you for loving me...

Diary log: 5th may 2k23

Edit-1

A letter to you, which I'll never send. A letter to clarify myself. If only you had prioritized me more maybe than I would have been able to send this to you thinking it still gonna work between us. But you left the seasore. You left even before the boat came. I only asked for your time to tell you these to make things work after when my home gets quite... It took me so much time cause I had to deal with family matters and by the time I was ready to talk about this, you had left.

"End it." I couldn't end it. No matter where you are or what your doing. I'll always honestly, truly, completely love you. And I hope that the end it phrase you have used , you never have to use it once again.

I'll learn to love myself. To make me my top priority so that I would be able to forgive you for when you didn't prioritized me. For each and every moment when you had given me mixed signals. I'll love myself to complete myself all alone. So that no one ever gets to empty me the way I got emptied by you.

I love you but I'll let you go. Be happy and healthy always.

Edit-2

Although I thought of not showing or sending it to you. But still if you ever notice this page or blog do leave a dot or write "Okkay" for me to confirm that it's you.

Edit -3

It doesn't matter anymore. Be happy with whoever you are...

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wildflowertips · 4 years ago

Note

Hi! I was curious if you had anymore Kuroko fic recommendations? Thank you! 🥺💗

hey! 🥺 i do have more kuroko fanfic recs. i didnt know what type of kuroko ship you wanted, so here are a few from some kuroko ships <3:

Kagakuro Recommendations

the flower that blooms in adversity by aotetsu

When Kagami falls for Kuroko Tetsuya, a famous prostitute from the red light district, he manages to find a whole lot of trouble and a person worth it all.

this fic deserves more love and attention. kagami love for kuroko absolutely made me sob

Brothers in Woo by buttwade

in which Himuro jokingly offers to help Kagami win Kuroko over and the joke's on him

kagami is drunk & himuro cracks jokes. this fic is funny. jealous!kuroko

Beastly call by TCon

"You mean," Kuroko started. "You'd be my Heat Partner?" He didn't expect Kagami to explode into a myriad of different shades of red more impressive than his own hair. "Y — yeah tha's what I'm sayin'!" for some reasons he lapsed into english with an odd accent. KagaKuro Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics & Sex Pistols AU - Fusion

Lots of smut in the beginning. there’s crime, suspense, and i read this fic like 5 times.

Stamina Training by tnsxbunny

As the weakest member in the team, Kuroko stays back after basketball practice to train on his stamina. Kagami watches from afar and decides to show Kuroko what real stamina training is.

SMUT. SUCH GOOD SMUT. thank u

The advantage of being Kuroko by heartfilledteddybear

mayuzumi hits on Kuroko & Kagami gets jealous 🥵

Akakuro Recommendations

Forget me not flowers in our hair by miniaturepsycho

When Kagami is captured by a beast Kuroko doesn't think twice and bargains to take the red head's position instead but it seems that there is more to this castle than meets the eye, and what has it have to do with forget me not's?? Basically a beauty and the beast AU that I decided to do after seeing the live action (which I totally did not cry at, not at all!!) COMPLETE

Contains Aokaga. Akashi as beast & kuroko as belle. So good 🥺

All I ask by TsuruKuni

"It's none of your business." "Tell me, Aomine. How can it be none of my business when you're throwing away the only person I've ever wanted?"

THIS FIC MADE ME SOB AT 3 AM. I highly recommend listening to ‘All I ask’ by Adele. I promise you will cry. Aokuro & Akakuro.

Bridezilla by DancingMarshmallows

Weddings are stressful... try helping people plan them. With two months to get everything together, a bridezilla and her bitch of a maid of honor, and finding love at the worst time, Kuroko would be lucky if he makes it out alive.

CEO!Akashi & WEDDING PLANNER!kuroko. you will not regret reading this one.

That Ridiculously Long Dance by Harmonia_Silverberg

Aomine, Kise, and Kagami never learn, do they? But apparently their "joke" works in Akashi and Kuroko's favor this time.

literally one of my all time favorite akakuro fanfic

What Would Chihiro Do by anewtinystory

Akashi is dating Kuroko, whose two brothers are very protective of him.[Based on a Tumblr anon's prompt: Nijimura and Mayuzumi are Kuroko's brothers; while Nijimura approves of Akashi, Mayuzumi feels the opposite]

slight smut. protective bros. i love it sm.

Aokuro Recommendations

Traded Mistakes by Acetate, Chrystie, exuberant_imperfection, kate882, luckypen

For the prompt: Aomine having an accident and losing his memory so all he remembers is being best friends with Tetsu and he doesn’t understand how that could stop.

Angst, oh the angst 😫😭.

Third time’s a charm (or maybe fourth) by LajtHane

Aomine really didn't mean to crash into him at Quidditch practice.

HOGWARTS AU. if that doesn’t temp you, idk what will. My fav Aokuro fic.

Maybe a touch of your hand by skinandbones

[Written for AoKuroWeek 2015]: Aomine moves into a new apartment and befriends a ghost boy.

no bc this fic made me cry too. pls read it 🎶ifwehad5moreminutes🎶

The Boyfriend Jersey by exuberant_imperfection, kate882

Kuroko, in a half-asleep mistake, ends up wearing Aomine's jersey to school.

THIS FIC IS CUTE SUCH DORKS

Hey, Come Here Often? by imabignerd

In which Momoi holds his magazines hostage, Aomine hates everything and everyone, and Kuroko is politely bewildered.

Aomine crushes on the lifeguard!Kuroko & Momoi is a little shit about it 😌🤍

Midokuro Recommendations

It’s Always your Fault! by warsandwich

Kuroko and Midorima are secretly dating, but Takao finds out their secret. De-anon from the anon meme.

Short, sweet, & funny 😌.

Partnership by Fayah

Their partnership starts in English class, but like everything else in their lives, turns into a matter of basketball.

Midorima really cares for Kuroko 🥺

Midokuro Ficlet by pandacchii

based off of imagineyourotp blog post: "Imagine your otp confessing while they were half asleep" Pairing: Midorima/Kuroko

short story but it’s really cute ☺️

An Unexpected Alignment by cinnaelle

Midorima Shintarou does not expect such a reoccurring encounter. But the wheels of fate are turning and Akashi moves his shogi piece.

well-written i love it sm. deserves more praise

The Way You Come Undone by oshare_banchou

"Midorima Shintarou is completely silent during sex. And Kuroko, who is both fascinated and frustrated by this discovery, wonders just how much it would take to make him come undone." - Kuroko/Midorima, in that order

do i need to say more? 😫

Kikuro Recommendations

Careless Whisper by DarkWoods

When Kuroko is dared to come up with some dirty talk, no one expects him to be good at it. Certainly not Kise.

my favorite kikuro fanfic. flustered!kise & tease!kuroko

如果的事 (If) by stormterror

People fall in love in many different manners. Love feels like many different things to many people, but Kise Ryouta thinks there's nothing that quite beats the feeling of being in love with Kuroko Tetsuya. [kise/kuroko]

SO GOOD I CRIED I SMILED SO HARD. pls kikuro deserves the world

Wires, Connecting by Bakagami

It's like being blind but not, like touching air, grasping at straws, voices dissipating and reverberating.

This story is locked so you need to login into ao3 to read it. PHONE SEX & DIRTY TALK 🥵

He Promised by imabignerd

Kise promised he'd smile for Kuroko the whole way through, all the way to the end.

Zombie apocalypse AU. Death. sobbing violently.

It’s a Small World by SilentSilhouette

Kise tries to find his soulmate through social media. Soulmate AU where a picture of your soulmate is tweeted to you on your sixteenth birthday.

This one made me crackle & laugh😂😂

Murakuro Recommendations

No Such Thing as Too Much Vanilla by plumtrees

Kuroko and Murasakibara have baking days. What do you mean it isn't canon?

baking!boyfriends & fluff 😌😉

Vanilla Cream by yoimrei

Murasakibara eats Kurokos ass after something Ahomine says which sparks his jealousy.

here me out first, the ass eating in this is *chef’s kiss* 🤌🏽🤌🏽

Philia by DarkWoods

That time Murasakibara and Kuroko started kinda-sorta fake dating, and kinda-sorta never bothered to break up.

Still going & i love this writer sm. i read all their stories 😙✌🏽

Lavender Secrets by SailorHikarinoMu

Kuroko was the one to bring out his true love for basketball, which had been hidden from prying eyes since the beginning. It was one of those things he was unsure whether he should feel grateful for, but all the same, it did mean something. What this 'something' was, exactly? Murasakibara did not know. Not yet.

FLUFF AAA FLUFF

Rainy by overdose

Kuroko listened to the rain pouring, and more importantly, Murasakibara's steady breathing.

smut. couch sex. size difference. 🥴

BONUS

Hanamiya Makoto/Kuroko Tetsuya

Scotomas by Darkenedcrystal

After the game against Jabberwock, Kagami goes overseas and Kuroko finds himself without a light. A slightly angsty, rather light-hearted story about what happens to Kuroko after Kagami leaves. Features teens finding their way around life, Seirin without a light, the Generation of Miracles being a family, the teens finding love and appreciating the heartbreaks. Kuroko tries to find his own style without a light, and stumbles into the darkness that is Hanamiya Makoto instead. Extra chapter added!

love this fic so much. downside: akashi is kinda a dick

Of Unlikely Friendships, Sneaky Bets, Shogi and Sake by itsthechocopuff

Imayoshi had introduced his two favourite kouhai to each other as an experiment. He did not predict they'd get along so well, both being shadows, but they did, and they worked, oddly enough. Hanamiya brought out the worst in Kuroko, while Kuroko brought out the the best in the other; and they both caused heartattacks to unsuspecting teammates who could not believe their darling shadow was not as innocent as he seemed.

you wont regret reading this one omg

Haizaki Shougo/Kuroko Tetsuya

A Taste That Lingers by therealmoyashi

I couldn't say anything, and that was alright because he didn't want an answer. I'll never forget the way that tasted. Yeah, I thought, he ruined me.

i cried reading this for the first time. out of character kuroko

By the Tomatoes by Wayfarer_Rye

It starts with a blue-grey t-shirt that says "Nothing but Net".

Haizaki wants to try again.

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willowbleedsonpaper · 4 years ago

Text

Shattered (Part 2)

James Potter x Reader

Read the first part here!

W.C. : 8055... sorry (?)

Warnings: Blood, sadness, heartbreak, my english, I didn’t proof read, that it is 01:00 am. Idk, you tell me :)

A/N: I dont know if this is what you all requested, I hope you like it and that you enjoy it. Thank you so much for your patience, I know I’m a slow writer but we can blame my brain for getting distracted way to easily. I spent one hour looking for a song I listened to years ago in the middle of writing this, and that was just today. Again, thank you for your patience.

Likes, reblogs, comments and keyboard smashes are appreciated.

Sirius stayed back with a knot in his stomach, the anticipation he felt as he saw you and James walk out of the Gryffindor common room more than he could bear. You had led James with the hold of your hand, looking back at Sirius with a small smile before you disappeared from his sight. He knew what you were about to do. He knew and he fought every single nerve in his body to not follow the two of you, rocking on his feet as he awaited your arrival.

His stomach dropped at the sight of James, walking back all alone. He raised his eyes over the people crowded at the entrance, waiting for your bright smile to meet his eyes, but you never arrived. James was all alone.

“Prongs.” he called his friend as he walked past them “Where are you going?” he held back from asking about you. It was clear you weren’t coming back.

James stopped at the stairs to the dorms, his hand supporting his weight on the wall “It’s been a long week.” he muttered, voice barely audible over all the fuzz “I’m going to bed.” he stated, never meeting his friends face as he kept his face low.

Sirius placed his cup down, walking over his friend who had gotten up the stairs. He called his name without a response, jumping the last steps towards their dorm “James!” he called once he catched up to him, placing his hand on his shoulder to stop him.

James jumped at the feeling of his hand, finally lifting his head. His cheeks were stained with tears, his lower lip trembling as he stared at Sirius “Not now, Pads.” he mumbled, taking his hand from his shoulder and letting it fall “Not now.”

Sirius froze there, not saying a word as James closed the door behind him. He had learned when to leave James alone, walking down the steps back to the common room with a defeated feeling in his chest. Your name popped in his head as he remembered his words to you.

I don’t think he’s pretending anymore.

What had he done?

He never made it back to his group of friends, his cup long forgotten in one of the tables of the common room. He walked as fast as he could, ignoring the looks from students as his head turned at every possible spot you could be, his feet with a mind of its own as he ended up at the door of your dorm.

His hand shook as he neared the door, the soft twist of the knob making his stomach wake with a thousand feelings, his palms sweaty as he pushed the door open.

He called your name softly, heart beating fast inside his chest. His eyes adapted quickly to the darkness, moving wildly all over the room to find nothing. He was about to give up, pulling the door with him as he walked out when a flicker of light caught his eye. He frowned, going back inside looking for the source of the little light, the crunching sound of something under his weight making him stop instantly. He took a few steps back, the flicker blinding him once more as he crunched down and suddenly he saw it. Sharp pieces of what looked like a mirror were scattered all over the floor.

He stayed there for a second, the thud sound coming from the bathroom making him go there, his knuckles touching the wood as he placed his ear over the door. “Y/N?” he called again. Not getting a response, he opened the door, the light bright in comparison to the room. And there, sitting on the cold tiled floor, he saw you hugging your knees as you sobbed quietly.

“Oh, darling.” he muttered, kneeling to your side in a second.

Your grip around your legs tightened, turning to your side to avoid looking at him. You ignored his calls and questions, his soft voice making the knot on your throat tighter as you wanted nothing more than left yourself cry and scream. You wanted to scream the pain away.

“Just leave, Sirius.” you said in between sobs, hiding your face in the piece of clothing in your hands.

But he couldn’t bring himself to leave you, his eyes widening in worry as he saw you crumble down again. Your sobs were loud once more as you angrily cleaned the tears from your face. His face fell on the one thing you clung onto, his heart falling down inside his chest as he recognized the fabric as the sweater James had gifted you. He didn’t know what to do, this was his fault! You told him not to give you hope and nevertheless you listened to his foolish advice. You went ahead and confessed everything to James. It was his fault you were in so much pain and he didn’t know how to make it better. He wasn’t sure he could. Sirius wasn’t good at this, he had never been in this position before. He couldn’t tell you it would be alright, that it would stop hurting at some point. He couldn’t give you advice because he knew that was his mistake in the first place. He could only do the one thing he knew worked for him, the thing James himself did for him. Be there for you.

“I’m sorry.” he mumbled, his hand going to hold your hand, the feeling of warmth making his heart stop. He immediately let go, holding his palm up to the light to see the red stains there, his face snapping at you as he went to the sink, grabbing a small towel from there as he rushed back to your side “Y/N, you’re bleeding.” he said hurriedly, clutching your hand against his and carefully tapping the soft fabric over your palm.

Your head snapped up instantly, finally turning to him as he held your hand, seeing the small cuts on your palms “I thought it stopped.” you told him, voice raspy as you sat straight.

He shook his head, taking your other hand in his as he began cleaning that one too “You knew you were bleeding?” he asked.

You nodded your head “I-uh..I tripped while holding my mirror.” you lied “Stopped the fall with my hands but ended up falling over the broken mirror. I cleaned them before, I thought they had stopped bleeding.” you said with an apologetic look.

He gave you a questioning look but said nothing about it “Don’t they hurt?” he asked, the worry in his voice rising as he saw you shake your head “You felt them, right?”

You shrugged your shoulders, letting him clean your palms. “I felt them, they don’t hurt.” you stated.

His movements slowed down considerably, the towel like a feather over your skin. He looked up at you through his lashes, your void eyes making him look away immediately. You stayed in silence for a long while, him noticing your wounded knees as well and doing careful work on them.

Once he was done, he stayed there by your side. You didn’t have the energy to tell him to leave, to remind him that he was on the wrong side of this messy situation and that he belonged at his best friend’s side.

“You should go and get some rest, Sirius.” you said, not looking at him but in front of you, staring at the same spot you had been staring for a while now “It’s past midnight.”

He didn’t realize when he got back to the floor again, both of you sitting there like two defeated warriors. He certainly felt defeated, the prospect of the weeks ahead not giving him any hope.

“They won’t notice I’m gone.” he said in a whisper. “The party is still going, your friends are still there too.”

You frowned, a dry chuckle leaving your throat “They’re hardly my friends, just good company and nice roommates.” you said, not giving it so much importance as you lifted your head from his shoulder, not realizing when you had leaned on him in the first place, and moved to sit in front of him, your legs crossed so the two could fit in the small space “You know for a fact they will be looking for you.” you said as firmly as you could muster “Did you tell anyone you were coming here?”

He shook his head, his hair falling to the sides of his head when he looked down “I didn’t even know where I was going.” he admitted with a humorless laugh “I saw James alone and after I talked to him I went to look for you. I was about to leave when I saw…” his words trailed down, dying on the tip of his tongue as he remembered the broken mirror on the room.

You swallowed the lump in your throat, the mirror coming back to your head as the crashing sounds replayed in your memory over and over again. He caught you on your lie.

“How’ s James?” you asked in a whisper, not really knowing what you expected to hear.

“He’s, I- I really don’t know.” he admitted “He went straight to bed and asked me to leave him alone.”

You nodded your head, moving your hair out of your face, taking a good look at Sirius for the first time that night. He looked more broken than you felt, his face was contorted in pain as he never met your eyes. “Sirius.” you called him with a soft smile, his eyes lifting to look at you “Why does it look like you’re the one with a broken heart?” you asked.

He remained silent for a while, studying your face as you waited for his answer “It’s my fault.” he murmured “You told me not to give you hope and that’s exactly what I did.”

Your smile turned into a sad one, playing with your hands and the little charm on the bracelet you wore “It’s not your fault I fell for him.” you told him “We made a deal and I knew why he was doing this. If anything, it’s James' fault for being so bloody charming.” you said with laugh, the single tear running down your cheek betraying you and the pang you felt in your chest.

Sirius handed you a tissue, watching you clean your cheeks “Maybe there is no one to blame.” he said lightly “You can’t tell your heart how to feel, right? Not your fault.” he said, lifting a finger as he counted “I tried to help and it went awfully wrong.” you chuckled at his words, a second finger lifting as he sighed “And James can’t tell his heart how to feel either.” he dropped his hand, looking at you.

You nodded, pursing your lips but not disagreeing with him. “Who are you and what did you do with Sirius?” you joked, watching him roll his eyes “When did you become so wise?” you asked and he shook his head.

“Like an hour ago.” he blurted, making the both of you laugh trutfully for the first time in the night. “I should probably go.” he said with a sigh, standing from the floor and helping you to your feet, you walked in silence to the door of your dorm. He stopped there, turning one last time as he gave you a quick hug, murmuring goodnight at the side of your head.

He was a few stairs down when your fingers wandered back to the bracelet in your wrist, your eyes falling back as you held the small charm in between your fingers “Sirius!” you called him as you ran down the few steps he had taken, unfastening the chain and pulling it away. “Can you take this with you?” you asked him, holding it up for him to see “Please.”

He looked at it, his eyes moving from the bracelet and up to you. “What should I do with it?” he asked, opening his palm and you softly placed it over his hand, closing his hand in a fist.

You lifted your eyes to his, hugging yourself as you shrugged “Whatever you want.” you said, letting your shoulders fall. He bit his lip, nodding his head and putting the bracelet inside his pocket. A sigh left you as you saw him “Thank you.” you whispered.

He smiled tightly at you, nodding his head in your way “Of course.” he said, leaving you and your dorm behind for the night.

“Sirius?” Remus’ voice echoed in the common room, the place a mess as he made quick work in cleaning the space. The sound of footsteps caught his attention, walking to the stairs with the hope of seeing him there only to find Peter “Anything?” he asked desperately.

Peter shook his head, the sigh that left Remus’ lips cut short “Remus, I think Sirius can wait.” Peter said urgently, getting a confused look from Remus “It’s James.” he pointed up to where their dorm.

Remus dropped the bag in his hand, doubtfully following Peter “What about James?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” He answered, signaling for Remus to follow as he jumped the last steps up, pushing the dorm open.

Remus walked inside, Peter close on his tail. He didn’t see anything weird at first, checking Sirius’s bed before his eyes fell on the empty bed beside it. He looked around, looking for his friend when Peter lifted his hand, pointing right to the window and the figure sitting there.

“Prongs?” he called hesitantly, walking near until he was sitting next to him. When he got no answer he turned to Peter, the same Peter who just shook his face and pointed back at James with the shrug of his shoulders. Remus tilted his head, a sigh leaving his lips as he patted the place next to him for Peter to sit. “James.” he called firmly.

James only moved his head, resting his head on his knees as he hugged his legs. The sniffing sounds coming from him filling the room “I fucked up, Moony.” he muttered “I fucked up real bad.”

Remus wondered what he could be referring to, Peter looking between his two friends with the same confusion written all over his face. They weren’t left in the dark for long, James pouring his mind and heart out to his friends as they listened carefully. Not one thing was left unsaid, not the deal, the gifts he gave you, his initial plan to make Lily jealous, everything that happened that night, everything he didn’t understand.

“You were pretending all this time?” asked Peter, voice shaky as he awaited for them to confirm he understood everything, but Remus’ look towards James made him stay in silence.

If looks could kill, James would be dead. And if there was something worse after death he would be there as well. The silence was so thick, James felt like breathing became hard, swallowing the lump in his throat as he looked down at the floor, not having the courage to look his friend in the eye.

“You’re an idiot.” said Remus. Nothing else. He left the words settle in, not giving a further explanation as he saw the guilt stir inside James’s chest.

“I know Moony, but…”

“There is no but here. You already know you fucked up, you said it yourself.” he said, his voice awfully calm as his face screamed a thousand emotions no one could nor wanted to name.

James felt the tears gathered in his eyes once again, holding Remus’ gaze with a shaky stance. He cursed under his breath, running his hands through his hair until he reached his face, hiding in the safety of his palms “I don’t know what to do.” he admitted, words muffled but clear to everyone in the room.

The door opened before anyone could say anything, the three friends turned towards the sound as they watched Sirius walk inside. He was completely oblivious to his friends all gathered around James, his steps faltering once he met the eyes of all on him.

“We looked for you everywhere.” said Peter with a nervous smile “You left the party early.”

Sirius opened his mouth, the words forming on his tongue and dying there.

“You went to see her.” James said, voice low as he met Sirius’s eyes “Didn’t you?”

Sirius turned his eyes away at the mention of you, walking to his bed and taking his jacket off. He moved slowly around the room, head low as he avoided the answers he knew he would have to give sooner or later.

Remus called his name, successfully making him snap out his trance.

“Yeah, I did.” he said, doubtful if he should go and sit with them or keep his distance. But once Peter and Remus moved to the sides and made some space for him to join he didn’t hesitate.

“How is she?” James asked, leaning his body forward.

“Better now.” he said dryly, not knowing how to explain the state he found you in. Not knowing in what state he left you in.

“What do you mean better now?” asked James in confusion, a frown set deep in his face.

Sirius shook his head “It would be better if you two talked.” he said.

Remus chuckled, looking down before he met the confusion of all his friends at the sudden sound leaving his lips “I can’t believe I’m saying this but he’s right.” he said, cocking his head in Sirius’s direction.

They all laughed, the air turning lighter as their laughs died down.

The subject wasn’t addressed for the rest of the night, all of them going to sleep a couple of hours later with their hearts heaving inside their chests. You had always been friends with the Marauders, more close with James, but still. They would be, in a way, losing a friend. They knew how you acted, how you thinked, you would keep your distance from them at all cost.

This plagued the minds of everyone as they went to sleep, some successfully getting some sleep while others didn’t have the chance.

Getting out of bed was easier than you thought it would be. The ticking of the clock making you open your eyes earlier than most days, there was no point in staying in bed. You went to the bathroom and followed your routine, getting changed for the day in your robes.

Twenty minutes later you were making your way through the empty halls of the castle, taking your time in getting to the Great Hall for breakfast as you enjoyed the chill morning air blowing in your face. You nuzzled your face in your scarf, feeling the soft material against your skin when the faintest of smells caught your nose, making your feet slow down as you looked down to the scarf. The pit in your stomach grew as you realized it wasn’t your scarf, not really, but the one James gifted you. There was no telling them apart, they were exactly the same scarf, except for the fabric that still lingered with his scent. It was clear for you it was his scarf, but no one else could know, so you kept going like nothing happened. In a way, he would be with you the rest of the day.

The day was just like any other for anyone watching, for anyone paying the minimum of attention. You made the effort of not standing out, which was an easy task, keeping yourself surrounded by your housemates in meals and during classes. No one even questioned you, no one asked where you went the previous night when you left with James, why you didn’t return. For the outside world you were still with James. For them, the previous night never happened.

You envied them, but at the same time you didn’t. You wanted the hurt to stop, but you didn’t regret telling James how you felt. You tried and he didn’t feel the same way. Now it was time to heal. Time for you to move on.

Only thing was, James remained one of the most popular students at Hogwarts. He was James Potter, Transfiguration prodigy, Captain of the Gryffindor quidditch team, known prankster and one of the Marauders. Everyone heard his name at least once a day and you weren’t the exception. Actually, you were far from being the exception, his name followed you everywhere you went.

Two weeks had gone by and you had managed to successfully avoid him. Of course you saw him walk around the castle, your steps faltering at the sound of his voice, your eyes staring at him longer than you should, your heart skipped a beat at the sound of his name, but you never actually interacted with him, and for that you were grateful. You made sure you always were with someone by your side, you shared most of your classes with your best friend and in the ones you didn't’ you kept mostly to yourself, engaging with the professor and other students as you normally would. You went on with your life the way you did before James, before the deal.

“Miss Y/LN.” Professor Mcgonagall called after class, your heart beating fast inside your chest as you slowly packed your things and walked to her desk, making time until everyone had walked out of the classroom.

“Professor.” you said, standing in front of her “Is there something wrong?” you asked, your voice surprisingly firm as you said it.

“Oh, no.” she said, looking up at you through her glasses “On the contrary.” she pulled a parchment form beneath her desk, opening it for you to see. A sigh left your lips as you saw the list she showed you “Are you still looking for someone to tutor?” she asked, her smile widening as she said it.

You nodded your head, your excitement matching hers.

“In that case, I have the perfect candidate.” She said “It’s nothing complicated, he needs help in a few subjects and only for the upcoming exams if he wants to keep his position in the Quidditch team, and I have a feeling you will be happy to tutor him.”

“Really?” you asked, getting confused by her confidence in her choice “Who is it?”

She looked up at you, an amused smile playing on her lips “Potter, of course.” she said.

Your smile fell instantly and it didn’t go unnoticed by her, putting her parchment down as she focused on you “Is there something wrong?” she asked in concern.

You looked at her, smiling tightly “No. I mean, well… we’re not dating anymore.” you muttered the last words, sitting in the table behind you without a care if it was appropriate or not.

Just like yours, Professor Mcgonagall’s smile fell from her lips “Oh dear,” she said with a sympathetic look on her face “Well it matters not if you are in a relationship with Potter or not, right now he is the only student who matches your schedule.”

You knew what she meant. You started tutoring to get higher grades in your classes, you needed that extra, heartbroken or not.

“Of course,” you said, accepting the papers from her and reading quickly over her neat handwriting “Fridays at the library.” you said, Professor Mcgonagall nodding in approval as you went through the details.

Not five minutes later you were walking out of her classroom, papers in hand and your spirit lost once more. Why must fate be so cruel?

James walked the halls of Hogwarts inside his own head. Friends waved in his way, professors called his name, people told him to watch where he was going. He waved back by pure memory muscle, not even noticing who he was waving back to; he hid inside his shell and ignored the words of his professors, words going in one ear and out through the other; he didn’t even stood for himself against others, muttering a low apology as he kept on his way. He was living on automatic.

Friday evening, the clouds rolled on the sky as the sun started to set in the horizon, making the day darker and darker as he made his way to the library, the place with just enough light from the candles to walk around. He wanted to be somewhat prepared for the session with his tutor. He was supposed to meet with his tutor for the first time that day, Professor Mcgonagall giving him the details earlier that day, with a hard look on her face as she said he should be lucky to have the tutor she chose for him, but never actually giving their name.

He needed this, he needed to keep up with his grades if he wanted to play quidditch, not even stay captain, just so they would let him play.

For the past two weeks, Quidditch and his friends were the only thing keeping him at float, the only things that prevented him from sinking in the guilt he could feel around him, slowly reaching his neck, barely keeping his head out. He couldn’t afford to lose one of those things.

He sat at the table farthest inside at the library, the book about the subjects he needed help the most open in a line in front of him. The words never settled as he read over and over the same page. He grunted, pushing the book away as the ones beside it fell to the ground.

“What did the books ever do to you?” his face snapped up at the voice, meeting red hair and a bright smile. Lily placed the books back on the table, slowly taking the chair in front of him.

He raised an eyebrow, the sinking feeling in his chest lifting the slightest as Lily sat there with him “Are you my tutor?” he asked suspiciously.

Lily scoffed, looking at him before she rolled his eyes, shaking her head and resting her back against the chair “I have enough work with my classes as it is.” she said, looking over all the books he had gathered.

“Here I thought you were looking to spend more time with me.” he smirked, smiling but the facade falling as quickly as it appeared. He couldn’t even act like he once did.

She smiled, looking up at him in confusion “Aren’t you and Y/N dating?” she asked.

And then it dawned on him, they never officially broke up. No one knew what happened that night, not even he was sure what happened. “Yeah,” he muttered, head low as he scratched the back of his neck “Not anymore.” he added, looking up to see Lily’s reaction.

She raised her eyebrows, leaning back and crossing her arms over her chest “Thats’ a shame.” she said, taking James by surprise “You were almost tolerable when you two started dating.”

“What?” he blurted out.

“That’s why I’m here.” she explained, and James gave her a dirty look, earning a chuckle from her “You didn’t think I was here for you, did you?” he muttered a No under his breath, the smile on Lily’s face growing but she said nothing about it “I’ve been looking for her all over the castle, I just can’t find her.” she explained.

“Why are you looking for her?” he asked, his voice suddenly flat as all emotion was drained from him.

She chose to ignore it, sensing the change in his mood as soon as he mentioned her “You know, it’s not important.” she brushed it off, taking her bag from the floor “I’ll find her by myself later.”

She said her goodbyes, starting to walk when his hand grasped her wrist “Lily.” he said, her eyes never meeting his. “Why are you looking for YN?” he asked again, never letting go of her wrist. Lily had a hard look on her, shaking his hand out of his grasp, lifting her head as her eyes softened.

“Y/N.” she breathed out, James' face turning into one of confusion until a sense he found himself missing every day for the past two weeks filled him once more.

You smiled tightly, hand over the handle of your bag as your eyes moved up from where their hands were second ago. Looking immediately at Lily with a more warmer smile.

“Hi, Lily.” you greeted her, not once meeting James’ eyes “I can come back later, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Not at all,” she said, her body acting by itself as it leaned forward to talk but the words never appeared, her sudden burst of energy dying down as she looked down at James. Her face fell but she covered it up quickly with a smile, reaching for her bag on the chair “I was just leaving, I’ll see you both around.” She bid her goodbyes and walked away.

You followed her with your eyes, until her red hair disappeared in between the shelves.

“I guess you are my tutor.” James broke the silence and you finally looked at him, the pit in your stomach growing. You took the chair where Lily sat before, nodding your head at him “Y/N, I…”

“I am,” you confirmed, taking the chair where Lily sat before “I thought we could start with Herbology, since it’s your worst subject.” you said, cutting him short “I thought we could leave Charms and Transfiguration for last, you’re good at those and you’ll need little to no help.”

“Right.” he muttered, leaning back when you moved away from him. Taking a little too long in getting your notes, practically burying your face in your bag.

The session was long, meeting once a week having its burden but one you were ready to carry. You had to help him with most of the subjects, but he was clever and you already knew how to teach him. He was doing most of the talking, asking questions when he got stuck in something. You wanted to smile, a soft smile forming but holding it back as you looked down at him. He was really clever, but he doubted himself, most of the session based on his questions to ensure he had the right point or idea.

“It’s getting late.” James said, closing his book softly as he stretched his arms over his head, a yawn escaping him as he pressed his eyes shut. He returned his eyes to you, your own gaze lost on some spot behind him “Y/N?” he asked, waving a hand before you.

“Huh?” you asked softly, your eyes taking a little longer to snap back to reality, immediately falling to the now empty table “Right.” you muttered, grabbing your things and shoving them down your bag.

“Hey, Y/N.” said James, lowering his head to meet your eyes “I think we need to…”

You didn’t let him finish “I’ll see you next Friday. If you need anymore help, just find me and we can arrange something.” you repeated the speech you had been going over in your head long before you arrived at the library, watching him nod you breathe out in relief “Goodnight.” you said, walking past him and out of the library, everything James wanted to say left hanging in the air.

“Hello, stranger.” you slowly raised your head, your blank look softening as you moved your things to the side.

“What are you doing here Sirius?” you asked with amusement, turning to the side towards his usual spot, Remus and Peter deep in conversation to even notice your eyes on them.

He scoffed, taking the seat with an offended look “Two weeks.” he said, palm hitting the table with each word “Two weeks since we last talked and you ask what am I doing here?”

You shrugged, making a face as you lowered your head “I’ve been here all the time.” you said back “Besides, we’ve gone longer without exchanging a word and the world it’s still spinning.”

“Glad to see you missed me.” he muttered, grabbing pieces of fruit from your plate despite you slapping his hand away “Stop doing that, I’m stealing your food anyway.” he hissed, stretching his hand when you took your plate away from him.

You gave up in the end, giving him the plate which he took with a smile “I’m going to class now.” you said, watching him nod “Do you need anything?” you asked him, grabbing your bag and standing, Sirius doing the same and following your steps.

“I’ll walk with you.” he said, grabbing one last piece of apple and walking with you.

You didn’t fight him, walking out of the Great Hall and turning right only to be tugged the opposite way. You complained but it was of no use, your hands pointing back as Sirius led you, his grip on your shoulders difficult to fight. “You do know the way to dungeons is the opposite of where we are going, right?”

“Of course.” he said, satisfied enough with your path, he let go of you and walked by your side.

“Just making sure.” you murmured, watching him as he walked peacefully “Sirius.” you called “What are you doing?”

“Nothing.” he said too quickly, the raise of your eyebrow making nothing to break him. “It’s nothing, I swear!”

“Right.” you laughed, shaking your head.

The walk, even though long, was enjoyable. You actually had missed Sirius, you missed them all. One month of having all your meals and spending all your free time with the Marauders was enough to make you miss it like it was your home. You missed the laughs, Sirius jokes and shameless flirting, you missed the blush rising up Remus’ neck at Sirius flirting, you missed having a serious and yet fun conversation with Remus about anything that came to mind, his wise words and sharp mind; you missed Peter, his sense of humour and never ending source of snacks, you missed sharing your food with him and sneaking them into class. You didn’t realize how much you missed them until Sirius told you all about them and how they were.

“You know you can always join us.” he said, the sad smile forming in your lips making him nudge your side with his elbow “I’m Sirius.” he said, wiggling his eyebrows as he walked backwards, entering the classroom with a smirk “No one is stopping you but yourself.” he said, walking to his seat next to James.

All consideration about sitting with them dying as soon as you met his eyes, holding your gaze for a second as he eyed you. His eyes moved away, the smile returning to his face but not completely, it didn't reach his eyes like it had before he saw you.

The pit in your stomach grew, letting your body fall to your chair as you dropped your bag on the floor. You sighed heavily, holding your head in your hands and waiting for the class to start. It was bound to be a long week.

“You can’t keep doing that.” Remus said that night in their common room.

“Do what?” Sirius asked, his eyes never meeting Remus’ as he threw the caramel in his hand at Peter, who catched it from the opposite side of the couch with a triumphant smile. Sirius threw a fist in the air, turning to Remus when he felt his glare on him “Use your words, Moony.”

“You have to stop taking Y/N’s attention away from James every time he’s with Lily.” he said, backing away as Sirius shushed him. “It’s friday, he’s with his tutor.” he reminded him, his body visibly relaxing as he flopped down on the couch.

“I’ll do it as long as I can.” Sirius said in a whisper “And you’re no one to talk, Mr. Glares.” he mocked, his eyes hardening in an attempt to mimic Remus’ look. Even Peter laughed at that, covering his mouth when Remus shot yet another glare at him.

“What is that even supposed to mean?” he asked, crossing his arms.

“Oh, please. Don’t tell me you don’t feel how your face brings winter upon us every time you see James with Evans”

“That’s what upsets you?” Sirius asked in disbelief “Not that they’re both heartbroken?”

“They knew what they were doing from the beginning. It 's sad? Yes, but…” he paused, shaking his head “I just want James and Y/N being friends again.”

“Or more.” Peter mumbled, making both Sirius and Remus groan as they stared at him. “No.” they said in unison.

James sat at the library, head buried deep in a book. His hand fumbled in the inside of his pocket, the soft clicking of metal sounding over the soft murmurs of the many voices at the library. He looked up at the clock again, you were rarely late. He got up, walking through all the shelves and checking every other table. You were nowhere to be found.

He sat down with a sigh again, reading over the notes and all the questions he had over the week about his assignments. He considered looking for you, taking you up on your offer to arrange something else, but Lily stopped him on his way looking for you.

He saw you walk out of your classroom, talking with some of your friends as you made your way to your next class. He spent most of the previous night working on his essay but for every question he found the answer for he came up with three more. In the end, he gave up and waited to talk to you in the morning. Following close, he avoided all the people in his way as he jogged up to your group, coming to halt a few feet from you when he heard his name being called. He turned, watching Lily walk up to him.

He stepped back, meeting her in the middle “Evans.” he said, smiling in her way. His eyes glanced at you, finding you already looking at him. Your eyes moved away from him, head low as you and your friends walked away. James sighed, focusing on Lily in front of him “What is it?” he asked, leaning in the wall behind him.

“Remember the other day I was looking for Y/N?” she asked, fumbling inside her bag as he hummed in response “Well, I found something of hers. I believe you gave it to her.” she said, pulling from her bag a thin silver chain, the small charm hanging from the end.

James watched the bracelet with sadness, taking it from Lily’s hand “Where did you find it?” he asked, the coldness of the chain in his hand making his heart drop.

“The tree by the Lake.” she answered “I was going to give it back to her but then you said you weren’t together anymore. She showed it to me, you know? Well, everyone actually. She was so happy she showed it to everyone at our table.” she chuckled.

“Right” he said, furrowing his eyebrows as he tried and failed to remember that specific time. You told him all about your attempts to annoy Lily. Then it hit him, you weren’t pretending.

“Anyway, I thought better give it back to you.” Lily said, walking a few steps and then stopping “You know? Whatever happened between you two, I’m sure you can work it out. You looked happy together, both of you.” and with that she left, Marlene waited for her at the end of the hall as they disappeared in the distance together.

He didn’t want to bother you anymore, getting rid of the bracelet he gave you clue enough to know you didn’t want anything to do with him anymore. He blinked fast, his vision blurry for a second as one tear fell down his cheek. Why was it so hard?

You were friends! You were one of his best friends. He trusted you and that’s why he asked for your help, you knew him better than most, you were used to being together, so what changed? You had kissed before your deal, held hands, hugged, every couple thing you did you had done before. Why was he asking himself what changed? He didn’t like you in that way, he told you so. Or did he?

“I’m so sorry.” your voice snapped him out of his trance, his eyes sad as he stared at you. Your hair was messy, one of your biggest and comfiest sweaters thrown over your head in a last minute manner, the scarf around your neck coming undone as you flopped won the chair. “Jamie?” you asked at his tranced state, his eyes snapping up at yours. You called him Jamie. “You okay?”

He felt all the color drain from his face, a bucket of cold water thrown in his face as he stared at you. When was the last time you had called him Jamie? When was the last time that you two had sat down and just chatted about life, that you made sure he paid attention in class and he made you get out of your room? When was the last time he heard you laugh, yell or muttered under your breath?

“James.” you called again, his eyes focusing on you before he jumped from his chair and left.

You were tempted to call him, but Madame Pince was giving you a dirty look already. You stumbled to your feet, gathering yours and James’ things as you ran out and after him.

He was walking aimlessly, his entire body and mind panicking. He could hear you calling his name, your hurried footsteps sounding closer and closer as he ran down the stairs, walking outside into the courtyard as the cold air hit his face.

“James,” you gasped, joggin all the way to the fountain to drop your things there. He was pacing, breathing short and rapid as he looked everywhere but to you. “James!” you called louder, getting no response from him “Hey, hey!” you said, grasping his shoulders “Talk to me.”

He took several deep breaths, holding your gaze and realizing he hadn’t looked at you, actually looked at you in the eye for far too long. “I’m an idiot.”

You frowned, your face contorted in confusion as you let your hands fall from him “Am I supposed to deny it?” you asked “‘Cause we both know I can’t.”

He chuckled “You still joke.” he said with a smile, running a hand through his hair as he turned his back to you.

“I still joke.” you repeated under your breath, looking at him “What is that even supposed to mean?”

If someone told you what was about to happen next you would have never believed them. No one, not in a million years could have prepared you.

“All this time I took you for granted. Thinking you were my friend, that this was supposed to be the way friendship works with you. I always knew it was different, never felt like Pads or Moony, but I took it because you were a girl.” he let out a breathy laugh, turning to look at you “Never felt like it did with Lily.” he muttered.

You hugged yourself, avoiding his eyes as you looked down “I get it, we’re friends.” you said in a whisper “You made that clear.”

“No, you don’t get it.” he said, making you roll your eyes tiredly, sitting in the brim of the fountain “I took you for granted.”

“I heard you the first time.” you said bitterly, looking at him with the same bitterness in your eyes “Look, James. I can’t be your friend anymore. I just can’t.”

“I don’t want you to be my friend.” he said, and you swore your heart shattered again. Lowering your face to avoid him seeing the tears gathering in your eyes, you wanted to say something Gee, thanks or That makes two of us but you didn’t trust your voice to say that without cracking.

“I never knew what love felt like until you went away.” he said, your heart stopping inside your chest.

“What?” you asked, voice trembling as you lifted your eyes.

“I’m so sorry.” he sat down in front of you, eyes wandering to your hands as he hesitantly took one in the warmth of his “I hurt you because I’m an idiot and you deserve so much better, so much better than an oblivious fool who doesn’t know what he has until he loses it.”

You tried to make sense of all the things he was saying but nothing made sense. “James...I-I”

“I love you too.” he blurted out, watching your every move, every twitch, anything that could give him an answer.

“No.” you said suddenly “You were pretending, remember?”

“That we were together.” he explained “But I’ve always cared about you, everything I did was because I wanted to. And yes, maybe Lily was there but I would’ve done it anyway, all of it.” his voice lowered considerably, watching you in your frozen state “I liked Lily because of the chase but I love you because it’s all I’ve ever known with you. I didn’t even know, everyone else did but not me. Two weeks of not being with you, not listening to your laugh, your jokes and your yells. I’ve missed the way we just exist together, going out and having fun. I missed playing with your hair, and you getting mad because I get it all tangled, I miss going to honeydukes and watching your eyes go wide as you don't know what to pick. I miss hugging you after a Quidditch match or after a long day.” he sighed, out of breath “I just miss you.”

You let the words settle in, processing every word and every thought as you stared at him in a blank state.

“I know I hurt you. I don’t want you to forgive me just because of all I’ve said but please, just please don’t hate me.”

“I don’t hate you.” you said in a low voice “I never did.”

“You didn’t?” he asked in disbelief, and you shook your head.

“I could never.” you told him with the smallest smile. You looked up, the stars shining in the sky as you let out a breathy laugh “Come here.” you muttered, opening your arms as he practically jumped to you, wrapping his arms around your waist tightly. Your arms hugged him, going over his neck as you sat closer than ever. One of your hands raised to the back of his head, running your fingers through his hair as you turned your face, placing a soft kiss in his cheek.

You don't know how long you stayed in each other's arms, at some point your head nuzzled in the crook of his neck as he held you close. The cold air hitting your faces.

“You kept my scarf.” he said, you tried to deny it as he smiled “It’s mine.” he picked up the end, showing you some loose threads and worn fabric “I recognize it.” he said. His eyebrows raised, letting go of your hand and reaching to his pocket. He moved back slightly, pulling the silver bracelet and holding it up for you to see “I believe this is yours.” he said.

“Sirius gave it to you?” you asked, his hand coming around your wrist and placing it over his lap.

“Sirius?” he asked, fastening the bracelet around your wrist “Lily found it.”

“Lily?” you asked, clearly both in confusion with the mix of names “I asked Sirius to take it.”

“And apparently she found it.” he said, holding your hand in his “Are you sure you don’t hate me?” he asked again.

“I don’t know, do people who hate each other do this?” you asked, your thumb brushing along his cheekbone, leaning in slowly and capturing his lips in a slow kiss. He moved closer, both of his hands cupping your face as he deepened the kiss, the smile that grew in his lips mirroring yours. He slowly broke the kiss, eyes closed as his forehead rested against yours. He opened his eyes and met yours, shining with bliss as his smile grew wider.

Your heart no longer felt shattered.

TAGS:

@fanficflaneuse @nebulablakemurphy @lupins-sweater @accio-rogers @gloriousrebelrunaway @slytherinprincess03 @not-today-anxiety @iwritesiriusly @trinimalfoyyy @haphazardhufflepuff @deafgirltingz @remmyswritings @peeves-a-legend @yourssuccubus @it-was-three-am @pamelalur15

If your name is like this it means I can’t tag you :(

P.S. At the end, the rest of the Marauders were watching James and the reader from one of the towers, they were so anxious that at some point Sirius yelled KISS HER YOU FOOL! and that he did. Their cheers could be heard all over Hogwarts.

#Shattered #James Potter #james potter x reader #james potter x you #james potter x y/n #young!james potter #james potter fanfiction #hp fanfiction #harry potter fanfiction #marauders era

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fukurodianthus · 4 years ago

Text

Its just skin

Synopsis: Self-love is not something that comes to you naturally. Years of self-depreciation makes it difficult to grow into the habit of loving yourself despite of the scars peppered across your skin.

But with your fiancé, Tooru Oikawa, you find yourself stealing glances into mirrors quite often. It catches you by surprise when you find yourself...beautiful?

Pairing: Tooru Oikawa X fem!reader

Genres: tooth-rotting fluff , a lil bit of angst thrown in

Word count: 2.2k

Warnings: The reader suffers from body positivity issues and insecurities regarding her appearance.

Author’s note at the end!

(p.s. didnt proof read because im ✨lazy✨ might do it later when im feeling cute idk)

“Y/N-chan, can we leave already? We’re getting late for the party” Oikawa whined, tugging the sleeve of your shirt lightly.

“Tooru, stop being so impatient!” You pushed your whiny fiancé away and concentrated on covering up the acne scars and freckles peppered across your face with layers of concealer. No matter how much you tried, you could never make your skin look half as perfect as that of the girls who dominated your Instagram and YouTube feed. Every time you looked in the mirror, the taunting voices of your family members and friends would creep into your mind.

Oh my god! Whats wrong with your face?

Don’t you wash your face properly?

You’re never going to get married if you look like that Y/N! Do something about that face of yours!

Do you want me to recommend a good dermatologist to you?

No matter what the topic of the conversation was, people always found a way to bring up the topic of your skin condition in it. You could be talking about quantum physics for all they cared, they would somehow find a way to bring up the topic of your skin.

But they didn’t know all those sleepless nights you had spent on the internet looking for remedies, they didn’t know how you cried yourself to sleep every night, praying that you’ll somehow find that your skin had magically healed up when you woke up. But miracles didn’t happen in this world. At least for you, they didn’t.

You spent a humongous chunk of your salary buying medicines, serums, anything skincare specialists would recommend to you. But none of it could you fix you. Ultimately it all ended up in the trash and you ended up on the bathroom floor, sobbing as you looked into the mirror, face contorted with disgust and self-loathing.

But then, Oikawa Tooru stepped into your life. The first person who didn’t grimace as he looked at your face. He looked at it with childish wonder in his eyes, as if he was looking at something…beautiful? Every night, when you fell asleep in his arms, his fingers softly grazing your cheeks, you felt an unfamiliar warmth blossom inside your heart. If he could love you despite your flaws, what was stopping you from doing it?

But years of self-depreciation made it difficult to develop the habit of loving yourself. There are still moments when you found you yourself drowning in self-hatred.

Take the present moment, for instance.

No matter how much concealer you caked on your face, it didn’t look half as good as you wanted it to. You let out a frustrated groan as you plopped down on the bed. How could you go to the party looking like this, especially when Oikawa would be by your side? Everyone’s appearance paled in comparison to his flawless beauty. Then how could you, of all people, ever stand beside him as an equal? You knew everyone would be comparing you with him behind your back, their jealousy-tinged voices emphasizing on how someone like you didn’t deserve to be with him. You’d always be an undeserving lover for him in their eyes.

“What’s wrong, Y/N?” Oikawa’s voice was laced with heavy concern. “Do you feel sick? I told you to not eat that expired candy bar last night, but you didn’t listen-”

“Tooru, its not that. I think I look very fucking ugly right now and I can’t bear to look at myself in the mirror. I can’t go to the party right now, not when I’m feeling like this.” You buried your face in a soft cushion and let out a frustrated groan as you turned over on the bed.

“Y/N, did you start putting yourself down again?” You felt him plopping down beside you on the bed, wrapping his arms around your waist.

“Tooru, don’t lie to me, my skin still looks just as bad as ever.”

“You know, sometimes I wonder if astral projections are real.”

“What? Have you finally lost it?” Your widened eyes searched his face, trying to make sense of his words.

“If it was real, then I’d pull your soul out of your body make you look at your face through my eyes. Because there’s clearly something very fucking wrong with your eyes if you cannot see how damn pretty you are.” Tooru huffed, looking at you nonchalantly as if he was stating the obvious.

“Tooru-” you whimpered, turning on your side to face him.

Tooru and his horrible pickup lines.

Gosh, how can I not love him?

His chocolate-brown eyes softened as he pulled you into his chest. The sound of his heartbeat drowned all the cacophony of all the negative thoughts cluttering your mind.

“Y/N, I thought love at first sight was way too cheesy and corny to be real. But then, one day, back in high school, I saw Iwa-chan talking to you. You looked so fucking pretty, you know? The way you’d bite your lips when you were confused, the way you’d look down and let your hair cover your face whenever you were flustered, it was so damn adorable. I might have gone down on my knees right then, if Iwa-chan hadn’t been there. He’d beat the living crap out of me for playing my ‘disgusting tricks’ on his friend.” Oikawa took your hands in his and slowly drew circles on your palm with his thumb.

“Iwa wouldn’t have to beat you up, I’d do it without a second thought if you pulled any of that shit on me. I always found you very bratty, clinging to Iwa with that radioactive sweet smile of yours.”

“Wow, I was head over heels in love with you on first sight, while your first impression of me was that I’m a brat? No wonder you were Iwa-chan’s friend, you both are so mean.” He pouted, looking at you with playful annoyance.

“That was before I got to know you. Your brattiness started growing on me, gradually. Now I’m so used to it, I think I’d forget how to breathe if I didn’t hear your annoying voice every morning.” You chuckled at how his face kept getting redder with every insult that you threw at him.

“You’re used to my brattiness? Are you implying I’m still a brat?”

“Exactly. Looks like you do have a brain.”

“The most amazing setter on this planet doesn’t have a brain, is that what you’re trying to say?”

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but instead of asking me out on a date directly, you bugged Iwa to set us up on a date until he finally shouted at you in the middle of an English class, saying ‘Alright, Shittykawa, I’ll set you up on a date with Y/N, now stop running that fucking stupid mouth of yours.’ " You stole a glance at his face, savoring his flustered expression. "I’m right, am I not?”

Oikawa’s face reddened to the extent where it seemed that he would spontaneously combust at any moment.

"Tooru, c'mon, we both were emotionally constipated fools who could never ask each other out if Iwa hadn't stepped in." You softly ran your hands over his chest, savoring the warmth radiating from him. "Now stop pouting Brattykawa."

"You and Iwa-cha, both of you can never appreciate me before backtracking, huh?" He ran his fingers through your tangled hair, slowly massaging your scalp.

He knew it always calmed you down.

"Hey, did you really find me pretty that day?" You mind went back to how you looked the day when Oikawa first saw you. Greasy hair stuck to your face, cavernous dark circles covering your under eyes, face swollen as a result of pulling all nighters for a whole week. How could anyone, let alone Oikawa find you pretty when you looked like that?

"Can you not hold a conversation for 5 seconds without putting yourself down, huh?"

" I dont think I can Tooru. It still weirds me out that you, of all people found me beautiful when I looked like such a mess."

"Y/N I think we really need to try astral projections now-"

"Tooru, I'm serious-" You whined.

He chuckled, twilring your hair in his fingertips. "Y/N, after being with you for so long, I've realized something. You look for validation in the eyes of people who couldn’t care less about you. But when finally, someone who really cares for you and sees you as who you are tells you that they are truly beautiful, you brush it off. Why do you pretend that our compliments aren't heartfelt? Why are you so scared of being appreciated?"

Every day, when he saw you stealing glances into the mirror, he noticed how disappointment flashed across your face. He knew how you beat yourself up for not being pretty enough. You were never enough for yourself.

If your mind was a place, he’d waltz into it, shredding the self-destructive thoughts gnawing at you sanity into pieces. He’d untangle the mess inside your head, shattering the walls that bars genuine compliments reach your heart.

Oikawa wasn’t the best with words, not at times like this. But he’d give it his best.

He could feel the wet spots blossoming on his shirt, as you buried your face deeper into his chest.

"Oi! You dummy! Are you crying?"

"To-Tooru I just think th-that I d-don’t deserve your love because I'm not as good looking as-" You choked out in between an onslaught of sobs.

“Hey. Hey, look at me.” He cupped your flushed cheeks and lifted your chin up, his eyes scanning your face in concern.

“Those fucking stupid scars on your face don’t define who you are, okay? Its just skin, Y/N, you are so much more than just…a piece of skin, you know? Honestly, we’re all just bags of flesh and bones if you look at it that way. Do you think I loved you because you were a particularly pretty bag of flesh and bones?” Even though you found his analogy slightly funny, you noticed how his face lit up with passion so you refrained from making any sarcastic comments. He was trying his best.

“Continue, Tooru. I’m listening.”

“I love you because of who you are. I love the way your lashes flutter when we stargaze on the roof every night, I love you how your hair is a tangled mess when you wake up, I love how your puff your cheeks in annoyance when I stop you from over-drinking coffee every night, I love how you whine when you spend hours trying to get your eyeliner right, only to end up smudging it when you rub your eyes absent-mindedly, I love how your eyes light up when I put an extra spoonful of Nutella in your sandwich…gosh, I’m rambling, aren’t I?”

Your grip on his hoodie tightened. He looked at you, breathlessly, scanning your face for a reaction.

Your stared at your reflection in his chocolate-brown eyes, struggling to find the right phrases to express the way his words made you feel. You felt your heart race as if it was beating in pace with a rhythm set in by a drug-induced ecstasy.

What would you call this feeling of warmth that washed over you with every syllable he uttered?

“Thank you.” You wondered if you could’ve said anything better to express how much his words meant to you. God, where were a the fancy words you had learnt from corny YA romance books when you needed them?

But he didn’t need to hear your words to know that you’d been moved by his words. Fancy phrases could never tell him what the faint rosy glow of your cheeks could.

“Stop thanking me for stuff like this. It’s my duty, Y/N. I’m your fiancé for fuck’s sake.”

“You’re such a sap Tooru.” You giggled, squishing his cheeks softly.

“Yeah but you’re hopelessly in love with this sap, so deal with it.” His grip around your waist tightened as he nuzzled his face on your neck, his hot breath fanning across your collarbones.

“Now let me go Shittykawa, we have a party to attend.” You pried his arms off your waist and sat up.

“Babe, we’re about to get married in a few months, you really need to drop that stupid nickname.”

“Hmm, let me think.” Cocking your head to your side, you pretended to be immersed in deep thought. “Nope, not happening.”

“Don’t blame me for what happens next.” Oikawa sat up and tackled you to the bed, pinning your wrists by your side.

“Ooh, now that’s hot, Tooru”

“You know whats hotter Y/N?”

“What?”

“This.” He didn’t give you a chance to respond as his hands slid down to your waist. Your breath hitched in anticipation.

And then he started tickling you.

You broke out in an uncontrollable fit of laughter, kicking him, trying to get him to stop.

Two minutes later, you both lay side by side, panting, faces flushed with breathless fits of laughter.

You caught a glance of your face in the bedside mirror.

Even with your reddened face, tangled hair and smudged mascara, you looked…beautiful.

You felt beautiful.

As you nuzzled your face on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat rumbling in your ears, his words kept replaying in your mind.

“Its just skin, Y/N.”

Author’s note: ahhhhh I kinda wrote this in a flow?? Its a comfort fic/drabble???Idk what this is tbh. This is very self indulgent because I’ve suffered from skin problems(cystic acne ugh🤢) all my life, so I decided to comfort myself through this fic 🥺👉👈 . If only I had an Oikawa in my life 😩✋

N E ways, drink water, get enough sleep(lmao the irony that I’m saying this-) and remember to love yourself because you are beautiful!😤❤️I’ll come for your kneecaps if you put yourself down🤩🔪.

Reblogs would be highly appreciated!

#haikyuu #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu comfort #tooru oikawa #oikawa #tooru oikawa fluff #oikawa fluff #oikawa x you #oikawa x reader #oikawa x y/n #tooru oikawa x reader #oikawa x fem!reader #haikyuu x female reader #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x y/n #hqradiostation

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sneezefiction · 4 years ago

Text

of night owls & early birds

Kuroo x Reader

desc: Kuroo, your roommate and longtime best friend, likes you but he really dislikes your sleep schedule. alternatively, your crush gets up way too early and you “suffer the consequences.”

a/n: the irony of working on this fic at 5 am doesn’t escape me… but it also hasn’t assuaged my awful sleep patterns. i hope you enjoy!!

warnings: school/general anxiety, crass/offbeat humor (jokes about planning your own funeral), idk if you’re scared of love don’t read this - it’s very fluffy.

wc: 3.6k

--- You’re screwed, you think, as a light flickers on just outside of your room. It illuminates the carpet underneath your doorway with a warm orange tint.

And though it shouldn’t make your heart jump into your throat, it does.

You’d promised, swore to Kuroo, that you’d be asleep by 2 am - and to him, even that was a stretch. But he should count himself lucky that you’d even agreed to his demands at all.

After all, he is well-versed in the world of night owls.

Kenma, though maybe not your kindred spirit, shares at least a couple of qualities with you. Kuroo likes refer to these “qualities” as crimes.

One of these crimes (and quite possibly Kuroo’s least favorite) is your god-awful sleep schedule. And you’re a repeated offender.

There was only so much nagging and bickering you could take before you’d cracked and told exactly him what he wanted to hear. In a flurry of words, you’d agreed to turn off your laptop, close up your textbooks and actually put your head to a pillow.

You also may have been bribed.

To sweeten this deal, Kuroo had promised to buy you pizza this upcoming Friday, given that you actually did get some rest.

But as you reluctantly lift your phone, the glass screen glowing a little too brightly, you realize that it’s already 5:30 am.

You grimace.

It’s Tuesday morning. Meaning that the repetitive beeping across the hall is Kuroo’s alarm.

Your lips press into a firm line. Most birds don’t even get up at such a godless hour.

You can’t help but wonder what it’s like to have a functional morning routine. Or a morning routine at all.

Leaning back in your plastic desk chair, you squeeze your eyes shut.

It stings.

You probably got so caught up staring at the blob-like words on your computer screen that, somewhere in the process, your body had forgotten how to blink.

And while the tension in your neck and shoulders is painful, it’s nothing in comparison to the festering guilt of not listening to your longtime best friend and now roommate (a suspiciously well-intentioned college boy who had somehow managed to win your heart over the course of this fall semester.)

Thinking back, working on your final English assignment at midnight wasn’t the brightest of ideas. It wasn’t even due for another week. But as due dates loomed, the impending fear of a bad grade had begun to burrow deeply within you.

If you could just pump the brakes on deadline anxiety, you wouldn’t feel so pressured to type incoherent sentences at odd and empty hours of the night.

And maybe Kuroo wouldn’t feel the need to coerce you into a firmer sleep schedule. Though you do find this caring habit of his to be inexplicably endearing.

Thus, the prickling feeling continues to infiltrate your restless mind and the brewing concoction of anxiety and guilt in your tummy makes you feel uneasy.

But before you can sneak into bed and tuck yourself inconspicuously under the covers, you hear a floorboard creak.

As if on instinct, you hold in a breath.

Kuroo isn’t one to forget about little promises. Of course, he’d want to know if you’d made good on your side of the deal.

Gently, you close your laptop and swivel your chair to face the door. You still your movements, keeping your body taut against the back of your chair.

More soft steps fall just outside of your room.

Your eyes can’t pick a place to land, so they choose to wander. And with a quick scan of your room, it doesn’t take you long to realize that your bedside lamp had been left on - an instant giveaway.

You begin planning for your funeral.

However, if it were up to you, you wouldn’t go out this way. You prepare yourself for death by interrogation or shame-induced coma.

Regrettably, neither options seem very interesting to you. If you ask politely, maybe your friends will engrave a portion of an epic poem into your gravestone just to make your passing seem more sophisticated. Yeah, that sounds nice and pretentious.

Okay, you might be overdramatizing things - Kuroo would never send you to your grave. But that doesn’t change the fact that your psyche likes to play tricks on you in the wee hours of the morning and that the eerie quality of the atmosphere somehow reminds you of a cemetery.

As you sort through who-gets-what on your will, there’s a not so sudden knock on your door. The soft tap makes your heart skip for two reasons:

The first being that you still haven’t gotten used to the fluttering in your chest from him being present all the time. Developing a crush on him (and suspecting feeling on his side) had made you a little jumpier over the past few months.

And the second had to do with the fact that you were actually going to have to talk to him about this. To apologize for being a bold-faced liar. It wasn’t clear to you whether you’d be teased or reprimanded. And honestly? You’re not sure which option would feel worse.

So you take a breath and steel yourself.

“Y/n?” A gravelly voice sounds from outside your room.

It’s tainted with sleep. You shiver.

There’s a preemptive sigh, “C’mon y/n, your light is on. I know you’re awake.”

You’ve been caught, so there’s no point in prolonging it.

“...You can come in.” You reply meekly, clenching and unclenching your fists.

The door cracks open.

That soft orange hall light floods into your room and directly into your eyes. With a squint, you try to fully visualize Kuroo. He’s positioned himself so that he’s leaning in your doorway with his arms crossed.

Before coming to grips with the situation, you scan the boy up and down. Amusingly, you realize that he has to duck his head just to fit underneath the door header - he really is tall. You have to wonder if he’ll ever stop growing.

Aside from his intensified bedhead (which doesn’t shock you) and the sleepiness in his eyes, he looks normal. But you must look positively spooked, because the moment he sees you, there’s a flicker of humor in his golden eyes… and an almost invisible smirk.

At least he isn’t angry. That fact alone allows you to let out the breath you’ve been holding in. Anger isn’t really a trait you’d ascribe to him anyway.

“It’s funny…” He wonders aloud, “I thought we’d agreed to something yesterday.” Kuroo brings a mocking hand to his chin in a thinking motion.

Your body naturally begins to shrink into your seat. You want to sigh, protest, explain yourself… anything to keep him from lecturing you. But, technically, you deserve this.

“I’m pretty sure you promised me you’d be in bed, asleep,” He emphasizes “by 2 am…”

“And” he adds, motioning evenly to your set up, “I highly doubt you’re up early just to get work done.”

You bite your lip while gripping and releasing the fabric of your sweatpants.

Kuroo isn’t a mind reader by any extent, but the body has a language of its own. Right now, your actions are murmuring signs of discomfort. And exhaustion, according to your dark circles.

Kuroo heaves out something between a sigh and a yawn before he takes another couple of steps into your room.

The sound of mattress springs and rustled bed sheets gets you to turn your head toward him, though you hesitate to meet his gaze.

He makes himself comfortable.

This is a familiar scene, Kuroo invading your space. Well, it’s less of an invasion and more of an unspoken agreement that the both of you can ‘come and go as you please’ in regards to bedrooms, granted that the “invader” knocks first.

Essentially, if Kuroo wanted company, he would find his way to you and plop himself on the edge of your bed. You would do likewise. The interaction could last 5 minutes or 3 hours depending on your mental stamina that day.

In a way, it mimicked your childhood - going over to Kenma’s and knocking relentlessly on his bedroom door until he finally let you and Kuroo tumble through the doorway together. The only difference now is in the way that you spend time together. Conversations become deeper a lot faster. Belly-laughs after a miserable day of classes are considered sacred. Study sessions are done shoulder to shoulder and with a myriad of disgusted faces when frustrated with a particularly tricky problem.

But this is different from your usual conversations. It’s sickeningly early, you haven’t slept a wink, and a tidal wave of stress from this entire semester is finally crashing into you.

“I’m sorry,” You start softly, fiddling with your fingers, “I just… I couldn’t stop thinking about this expository essay I’ve been working on and my mind is totally numb. I’m so stressed out by all of these-”

“-Classes.” He finishes for you.

You swallow, bobbing your head softly in confirmation.

“I get it.”

And just by looking at him, you know he understands. For someone so laid back and put together, Kuroo’s eyes could speak a novel’s worth of emotion and information at any given moment.

“But you’ve already spent more than enough time on it.”

Have I really? Have I actually done enough? Because it feels like I’m failing. Like I can’t seem to finish what I’ve started. I can’t even complete this paper.

But at least Kuroo sounds resolute.

He’s stating a fact, not an opinion.

And he’s not trying to be unempathetic. He does get it, he really does.

But Kuroo also sees how hard you work already. And he knows all too well that there’s only so much work you can get done in one night. You’ve got enough on your plate even without your classes, so having the extra academic pressure is just the cherry on top.

“Mm,” you hum, “yeah, I guess you of all people would know.” You hunch over and rest your elbows on your thighs, using your hands to prop your head up.

He’d been there at your most and least productive moments. On days when you were cranking out a few thousand words and nights when you could only jot down a few sentences. Hell, Kuroo had even volunteered to help you edit and format it when the time came. What kind of person offers to do that before they’ve even been asked to?

It’s just another feature of his charm, you suppose.

But you still feel stuck. Like you’re a boat stranded in the middle of the ocean and you just can’t seem the muster up the strength to pull up the anchor. The anxiety lingers.

“...It just doesn’t feel like it’s ever enough, y’know?” You breathe out.

There it is. Finally out in the open.

And Kuroo hums thoughtfully to himself.

He’s been there.

Not knowing if the effort he put into his work was having any actual effect. Being unsure as to when he should stop taking responsibility for something. Putting work, classes, and people before himself.

It’s draining; a swirling spin-cycle of exhaustion.

But he’s also been learning that “enough” is subjective. So he decides to say just that.

“Enough is a pretty vague word, don’t you think?”

You blink.

Yeah, you suppose it is.

Hopefully this isn’t another one of his bizarre epiphanies - the kind that makes you think your brain is going to implode. Sometimes Kuroo could be a little too philosophical for his and your own good. But you humor him anyway.

Shifting in your seat, you give him a stiff nod.

Satisfied with your understanding, he proceeds with his thought.

“What I mean is that we probably have totally different definitions of enough...” he drawls on, “... and different standards too.”

“Okay...”

“What I mean is that-” He sighs, running a hand through his hair, “-what’s ‘enough’ to you may not be ‘enough’ to me. And vice versa.”

Kuroo tilts his head back, brows furrowing in thought. He’s grasping for the right way to put it.

“Y/n, I think you’ve done enough. You’ve worked hard,” he points out, “and I don’t think I know anyone who deserves a break more than you do.”

That makes you pause. You lift your head up to catch his gaze - his eyes are already studying your expression. Something inside of you stops functioning because never have you seen such raw sincerity. Or maybe you have, but you’re only just now noticing it.

He gives you a gentle smile. It makes your chest ache.

“You mean it?” You half-whisper.

“I wouldn’t lie to you.”

You’ve known this for years now, but Kuroo truly has a way with words. They had the ability to pierce like a harpoon or stick sweetly to you like warm honey. Even with a few (thousand) shitty jokes littered throughout your conversations, it’s only natural to be awestruck by him. By his ability to make even the most awkward of situations a little more bearable. How he subliminally knows how to soothe and temper you. You think he would make a really great businessman - he’s quite persuasive; a real salesperson.

One part of you wants to apologize to him again. Another part wants to jump up and kiss him. To tear up and cry in his arms with relief. You chalk these potential reactions up to exhaustion and hormones… but you don’t write them off entirely.

Because suddenly being 3 feet apart feels like miles. And your bed is looking terribly comfortable.

“Mind if I join you?” You ask, but you’re already moving from your seat.

He gives you an indifferent shrug - though he feels anything but.

“It’s your bed.”

Oh, you’re well aware of that fact. You can already feel heat rising to your face.

You stand up slowly, raising your arms to the ceiling in one final attempt to stretch. Then softly, you place a knee to the mattress and wedge yourself on the rest of the way until you’re sitting crisscrossed in front of him. He shifts his torso so that it’s facing you.

And now that you’re finally eye to eye, you can breathe.

He may be your crush, but you feel strangely comfortable in his presence. You always have. It’s part of what makes Kuroo... well, Kuroo. He embodies security while still pushing you out of your comfort zone. And for that, you’re grateful.

You break the silence.

“I really am sorry,” you echo your earlier apology.

You undoubtedly are. And you’re not sure why it feels like such a heavy thing to say over something as menial as a good night’s sleep.

“Hey, hey,” He soothes, reaching a hand over to ruffle your hair, “it’s no big deal, alright?”

You send him a half-hearted glare but it immediately breaks into a soft smile. His hand lingers for a moment longer than it should before he draws it away. You miss the teasing touch.

It’s becoming increasingly difficult to maintain eye-contact, but even as you look away, you note that his eyes remain concentrated on you. You can’t tell if it’s you who has moved closer or if he has. Either way, those few inches of distance have narrowed by a decent margin.

“I honestly just wanted you to get some rest. You’ve had it rough and by the looks of it-” He scans your face like he’s trying to diagnose you with something.

“Hey, watch it-” You warn, narrowing your eyes.

You already know you look tired. Kuroo loves reminding you of that in his own little way.

He smirks playfully, continuing anyway.

“-You could really use the sleep.” Kuroo’s raspy voice trails off.

“But apparently even pizza isn’t a convincing enough strategy.” He gives you a lopsided grin.

You shake your head, “Oh no, no, the pizza was very convincing.”

He scoffs, “Was it, now?” Raising his eyebrows in mock surprise, “Because you seem very awake to me.”

“Can’t we just blame this on the paper, please?” You sigh.

He furrows his brows in contemplation, “Hmm, no. I don’t think so. This is partially your fault.” A rather underwhelming response.

“A small part.”

“I’d say it's fifty-fifty.” He reasons with a raised eyebrow.

Rolling your eyes, you respond, “Okay, you can quit whatever-” You gesture to his expression, “this is.” He always managed to pull the strangest faces and you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of making you laugh.

He snorts, “Oh? I thought you liked-” Kuroo gestures to his own face, “whatever this is.”

His voice has a curious edge to it. Some might even call it flirtatious.

And you go quiet.

You can’t help but stare at him. His messy hair, his barely parted lips. The fact that Kuroo just woken up and somehow still looks this attractive to you is so annoying. So frustrating.

And words are failing you.

It was an innocent comment. He’s just messing with you like he usually does. Maybe this has all gone a little bit too far. You should probably just say good night (or good morning) and rest your eyes.

Yet you can’t shake the feeling that this could be the perfect segway into addressing your relationship.

At literally any other time of day, you might be more rational. You could reason with yourself that this is quite literally the weirdest time to bring up your feelings for him. But something in you needs to close the literal and figurative gap between you two. And, for some indecipherable reason, it has to happen right now.

Whatever the outcome, you trust that Kuroo will always be your safe place.

So you throw caution to the wind.

“Actually, Kuroo…” You begin, staring at your hands which are placed neatly on your lap. “I really do.”

His eyes snap to yours.

This time it’s Kuroo’s turn to go silent in contemplation. Taking in a steady breath becomes an act of labor.

“You… really do what?” He asks slowly, grasping for your intended meaning.

Your heart pounds.

“I really like you.” You clarify.

It isn’t at all eloquent, but it’s sincere. You’d once heard that honesty came easier late at night, but you had no idea that it applied to early mornings as well.

But you finally make sense of the words that just escaped your lips. Panic arises. In an attempt to hide, you bury your face in your hands. You wish you could put the words right back into your mouth.

“I-” You take a deep breath, “I think I spoke without thinking.” Is all you allow yourself to mumble.

You no longer trust yourself with words.

Your face, your whole body really, feels like it’s on fire. Humiliation begins to wash over you in red hot waves… but you startle when a pair of hands meet your wrists.

You lift your head.

His fingertips are warm and worn. Still decorated with calluses from his years of volleyball back in high school. You want to question why the world has withheld this touch from you for so long.

He lures your hands away from your face, grasping both of them gently. For a sensation so new, it was somehow strikingly familiar. A thumb is meditatively tracing small, slow circles in the middle of your palm.

You gawk in disbelief… and as you scan his face, you catch a hint of pink on his cheeks. You can’t say anything though - your own face feels like it’s just become 1000 degrees warmer.

“I kinda figured you might,” Kuroo breaks the tension rather… bluntly.

Of course he did, wait what?

“But the thing is…”

Is this some sort of rejection? Is he just letting you down gently? Is that why he’s holding your hands like they’re as fragile as fine china? Then why is he looking at you so sweetly, so tenderly-

“I wanted to be the one to say it first.”

You start planning your own funeral again.

However, this time, emotional whiplash will be your stated cause of death. At least it’s a more unconventional way to go out.

“I- uh,” you swallow, “w- what did you just say?” It comes out as a stammer.

You’re squeezing his hands a little too tightly. When you recognize your modest death grip around his fingers you loosen your hold.

Kuroo smiles, his eyes crinkling slightly.

It’s nothing like that cunning smirk that you find annoying, yet so adorable. It’s also not one of his full-scale grins. It’s far too simple and reassuring. You almost don’t trust it.

“Well, in short, I like you too,” He re-explains, searching your face for a reaction, “but... I’d hoped to tell you that over pizza on Friday.” Kuroo looks away.

If you weren’t already gaping over his personal confession, you would probably be laughing at this new side of Kuroo. He looks unmistakably bashful.

It takes you a second to recover, but you finally open your mouth to respond...

But you’re cut off by Kuroo, once again. His softened expression is long gone. And, much to your dismay, he’s suddenly shifting himself off of your bed.

“It’s just too bad you didn’t keep up your end of the bargain. I guess that means there’ll be no pizza… no movie… no me.” He slowly releases your hands, knitting his brows together to feign sorrow - it looks hilariously forced, but you’re too worried about the warmth leaving your fingertips to care.

He’s teasing you like you’re his best friend.

And that’s because you are.

So then why does it feel like something’s changed? Like he’s daring you to make the next move?

Before he can pull away and leave, you tug at his hand which draws his whole body toward you.

Your heartrate spikes through the roof. When’s the last time you’ve been this close to someone? To a guy? A guy who’s shown actual living, breathing interest in you.

And he’s in your face.

Close enough that his scent, his cologne, is drowning your senses. Close enough that his breath is fanning faintly against your cheek. Close enough that you know there’s only one thing left for you to do.

Before you can think to hesitate, your lips are brushing up against his.

Intuitively, he brings his hands to your face, closing any extra distance.

Kuroo’s thumb feathers over your cheekbone, stroking it tenderly. His lips apply very little pressure and it’s unbearably delicate, but it fills you with an indescribable warmth. His lips linger just long enough for you to detect the mint from his toothpaste - he can probably taste the cinnamon tea you’ve been sipping on over the past hour. As far as kisses go, it’s reserved, but perfect for this distinct moment.

Plus, you figure, this is just the first of many longer, more eager kisses - though you can’t imagine being more breathless than you already are right now.

But you can hardly get another taste of him before those warm hands on your cheeks are prying you away. He stares. You stare back. His eyes are brimming with something warm and full. You immediately choose to label it, “affection.”

And in a much lower voice, Kuroo murmurs, “Let’s save this for later.”

You scan his face, wondering if he’s actually serious. He gradually makes his way off of the bed and onto his feet and before you can protest, Kuroo is speaking again.

“You-”

He leans down and gingerly lifts your chin with his fingers. The gentleness of his touch almost makes you flinch, but you somehow manage to hold it in the road. Though now you’re really at a loss for words.

“-need to get some good rest.”

He places a chaste kiss on your forehead.

You still feel it after he pulls away. After he closes the door. After you’ve laid you head down on your pillow in shock.

How does he expect you to fall asleep after all of that?

---

extra: this is dedicated to Izzy - our sleep schedules may be jacked up, but i’m pretty sure it’s a blessing in disguise if we’re taking our time zones into consideration. thanks for making me laugh & for not stealing my quarter of the braincell.

and to my precious friends and followers - thank you for being patient with me. it’s hard to post or even write at the moment, but i’m steadily pushing myself toward a better mindset. i appreciate your comments, likes, and the fact that y'all even bother to check out my works in the first place. i’m working on it.

also happy birthday, Tetsu. you’re a real star.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #kuroo x reader #kuroo tetsurou #kuroo

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batarangsoundsdumb · 4 years ago

Text

yet another ask dump yeehaw!

do you ever think that jay's mother was one of those bitch who believes in horoscope and tarots and things like that and so he believes in these things too, or it is just me projecting?

sheila haywood took one look at jason's birthchart said 'nah this won't do' and left.

Wait, but what happens when the justice league does find out that Bruce and John fucked? Lmao it sounds like it would be hilarious, really, I don’t want a justice league that doesn’t make fun of Bruce for like his entire life.

barry runs out of the meeting immediately and comes back with an entire sti testing kit. diana fully seriously wants bruce to get tested while bruce is sitting there like 'come on guys, you're being ridiculous, i already checked twice'

john is standing in the corner clearly offended while bruce is just like 'don't even say anything, constantine, you fucked a shark'

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

on the one hand, good for him, on the other hand, bro, how do you still have a secret identity when your superhero name is just your last name,,,,

Your fic on ao3 was GOLD PLEASE CONTINUE I loved Dinah's cameo btw ( @purple-vixen

thanks so much! i already continued but this ask is like 10 years old because i'm a notorious procrastinator (also yes! i love dinah so much aahhhhhhhhhhhh)

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

bruce internally: holy fuck holy shit holy fuck holy shit holy fuck holy shit holy fuck holy shit holy fuck holy shit bruce externally: get out of my city, alien

AHHH ur multimedia fic is the only thing that brings me happiness anymore continue it forever pls

uhh thanks, but can't continue it forever because my attention span is that of a toddler on crack on a good day and i can't function without at least 10 things going on at the same time and music in the background

Oi, so I'm getting into dc and watching batman the animated series, and they use fruitcake a lot. Which I thought was very funny and wanted to share w you - Denilla

wait like fruitcake (food) or fruitcake (derogatory) ?

young justice 🤝 teen titans slut shaming batman

tim drake and dick grayson to their respective teams 'you guys stop it, that's my dad'

Happyhoganon: If an eighty year old Batman had fought crime in Gotham City for decades and the only threats to him and the city lately are a wheel chair bounded Penguin, your usual purse snatchers and a few con artists popping up every now and then, how well could the Dark Knight do in maintaining the peace in Gotham despite him being just somewhat fit to do that as an elderly man (which says A LOT given how old he is)

uhh he'll probably do what my grandpa does and that is ruthlessly prank them until they die of shame.

in the death in the family interactive movie there's an ending where Jason is tasked with raising Damian and he decides he's gonna raise Damian to take down the waynes and al ghuls which uh maybe isn't great BUT the idea of Jason raising Damian... PRICELESS. CHAOTIC. I just need more people to know about this :)

yes i saw that wow holy shit but jason would accidentally drop damian on his head one (1) hour in and jason just yeets him into the lazarus pit.

Headcanon: The Penguin has a really hard time fighting any of the Robins because of his avian obsession means there's always a small part of his mind that's like "Birb. Child. Protect" ( @subspacecadet )

as soon as dick becomes nightwing the penguin is like 'you know what, fuck this dude' and shoots at him.

Y'all talking about King Shark dating Constantine, let's not forget about John literally hooking up with Satan

listen there's a clear difference between monsterfucker and satanfucker in that king shark is literally a shark and satan still looks like a normal dude

Does everyone in Gotham think Batman is a teen dad?

everyone in gotham thinks batman has been around since gotham was founded, but they do think that bruce wayne is actually a teen father and dick grayson's biological dad.

why. why would you do that fancast when you know it will only hurt people

what? i loved my fancast it was really well done. i did it with good representation in mind and i really managed that with alfred pennyworth being ✨italian✨

Seeing james charles a jason gave me psychic damage how dare you i need to wash my eyes

well that's a you problem isn't it?

do you think dick grayson thirst tweets about nightwing just to annoy his family/cause problems on purpose in general?

he thinks nightwing is hot, next question.

holy jiminy cricket batman, its as cold as the good lords ass crack in here!!

i- what? this is why i don't fuck with english expressions it's way too goddamn weird

Brooooooo, your teen dad!Bruce au is soooo good. I've got brainrot.

Honestly if you ever write anymore, I'd read that shit twice. Sign me the fuck up. Good stuff, Good Stuff.

uh yeah i'm thinking about writing a fic, but i have exams coming up and i don't wanna fail because that would suck. but after i'll certainly be writing more tho

your teen dad AU is so great! bruce acting like a big brother for all of like a week before he's telling everyone about his son. what if in the AU dick meets the JL because they need to rescue him? maybe he's in trouble/kidnapped at a gala and bruce starts calling for JL. clark finds him and has to fly with dick to bring him home - that's how dick and clark meet and superman becomes dick's fave hero. he goes around the manor thinking he can fly with a red blanket draped around him like a cape.

actually- if you want a young dad! bruce fic with like that kinda stuff(just with damian) go check uhh- in for a penny by cdelphiki. it's really good and bruce is like 24/25-ish. (and dick's there!!!)

This account has solely convinced me that Tim is a trash goblin ( @hamilcat-and-magic-turtle )

because he is. that boy has slept in dumpsters on multiple occasions even if he is the son of a billionaire.

Okay but when you said victory dance I did think of the whole justice league defeating the big bad and then they all start flossing

well that's exactly what hal jordan does and that's why batman uses a gun now. no but the victory dance in my opinion is like the 'we're all in this together' dance from high school musical.

The horrors in Invincible s1 was nothing compared to the comics, I cant wait for s2

oh well okay, i mean i personally react to horror and violence by laughing awkwardly so i can't wait to be called a monster for accidentally laughing at a mass murder.

I'm currently watching Batman: The Brave and The Bold and- Bruce is just talking about Oliver like he's an old love (@nightwings-kid)

okay im going to watch that lmao that's totally and completely in character for him tho.

The invincible comic is like super gratuitous with its violence so much so I'm shocked the show was able to adapt it in a faithful way! Anyway had the show been live action it absolutely wouldn't have the same impact as it does as an animated show and I'm so glad so many people agree with me on that

also because a live action casting would've been like uhh amanda stenberg for amber, the dude- the guy from the supernatural but with a mustache for omni-man, and scarlet johanssen for debbie grayson

Debbie grayson is a milf, yes. You're welcome for the invincible propoganda, now you can questions your life. Bruce def seems like the perfect father next to Omni-man. Like they really took a rip off justice league and I was like well, now I'm attached even tho I was like hah I know who they're supposed to be. And then bam- death gore death gore gore gore sad Mark grayson just had to have daddy issues. Why does every character have daddy issues. I'm sick of the attacks

because daddy issues make a person arguably funnier, that's why i'm not even remotely funny (haha good dad flex). i liked that it was dark contextually, but not in the colouring, bc i hate when it's like 'uh yeah graphic murder and now a shot so dark you have to sit in a dark room and squint at the screen to faintly see the characters. (like dcau ugh)

About the Wayne insurance, for a moment I thought you would put the video with moans over the waves.

i mean- i could've done that, but rick rolling seemed more family friendly.

Its the first time in forever that im surpise rickrolled, i usually expect it. Congratulations (i really should know better this is tumblr)

i get rickrolled so often but i actually like the song so i dont really give a fuck

Actually, my information about Damian and John's kids is outdated because it was revealed that the old men telling the kids stories about the Supersons were actually Jon and Damian the whole time. I was blinded by my thirst for Grandpa!Bruce Wayne but I was wrong... I liked my version better, tbh (@artemisa97)

fair enough. but i'd honestly like to see damian and jon getting together, just because it's a really fun dynamic and their friendship was really cute when they were kids. (also idk maybe it would be nice to have one (1) main batfam/superfam character that's not cishet)

How am i JUST finding your blog skdskfkd you're so fucking funny and ur takes are hot

i thought u were calling me hot :( but youre not :( crime detected (but lmao thanks)

So I have depression and I swear that your memes are one of the few things that have made me laugh so thank you 💛🥺 (@katekanebadass)

aw you're welcome, and i hope you're doing okay!

The metropolis memes are so funny, I love them 💀😌

i think metropolis is also so fucking funny it deserves more attention imagine having your entire police force being upstaged by an alien from kansas and his kids

as an american i feel your complete lack of knowledge of us geography is just so sexy (platonic) ❤️

thanks so much (i also don't know any other geography, i'm not kidding, like you can tell me you're from hungary and it will just blank, there will be nothing that comes to mind)

In the DC universe they don't say "Can't have shit in Detroit" they say "Can't have shit in Gotham"

this just reminds me of that guy whose porch got stolen like the steps to his door, and i'm thinking of people living in gotham and waking up without a front door and going "can't have shit in gotham"

honestly all i know about chicago is the bean, so. what would gotham's famous sculpture be?

gigantic gargoyle statue in front of one of the police precincts because a villain thought it was a smart way to keep the police inside, but it's too heavy to move.

why tf do people go on about how batman "works alone" or how he's the "lone wolf" when he like 38290202 members in his family

bc people think it's cool that a grown man in his 30s has no friends or family instead of calling it what it is (sad)

Bruce is gotham's sugar daddy

why would say something so controversial yet so brave.

my favorite batfamily fanfictions are the ones where they use their shitty codenames, unironically, in any context

dick: gerard way are you in position, gerard way are you in position

tim: for the last fucking time, my codename is 'totally not count olaf' this week, abbafan 3000

dick: shut up my codename isn't 'abbafan 3000'

dick: it's 'abbafan number 1' and you know it

I have a feeling Tim drake is ur favourite batfamily member but okay u don't have favs if u say so ok

i mean he is, i won't deny it. but i love each and every one of the batfam just the same, i just have a weak spot for short dumbass nerds, because i'm a short dumbass nerd.

Omg i fuckin love boy meets world too fam shsjkfk

bro boy meets world was the shit!!! it was just fire and awesome and so fucking great like bro. it was so good im not even going to be accepting criticism

you know I find the whole "joker completes batman" thing a bit disgusting considering the horrendous stuff the batfamily went through because of the joker and let's not get started on the "joker has a point" thing like yeah he's this cool complex villain but he's absolutely batshit crazy

like yes! i get what you mean the joker just fucking sucks man he doesn't do shit for batman's character or the batfam he's literally just annoying as fuck. like the joker has a point' shit is so stupid. i will accept 'magneto was right' because he fucking was and i think he didn't do anything wrong, but joker? he's just like that. he's not even cool and complex he's just a weirdo with a bleach kink at this point.

ALSO YOUR RACISM POST- SO TRUE BESTIE

thanks bestie, i'm glad you agree.

in today's essay of why I think cass should become batman- I was thinking Tim would probably be the most efficient batman in many ways but I also think he wouldn't want to be batman tbh none of the batfamily members would want to be batman because they're trying to outgrow him but cass is the one who wants to represent the symbol that is batman

absofuckinglutely i will say it again and again that cass represents the batsymbol more than anyone in the batfam, in batgirl (2000) she literally didn't care about anything else than bruce's oath to not kill, she thought the batsymbol was more important than anything in gotham. she's just an excellent character because her motivation to not kill is not 'i'm scared i can't come back from it' or 'well my dad says no murder so i'll go along with it' but that she's killed somebody as a young child and she never wants to kill a human ever again and that's so fucking beautiful for a new batman like yes.

need more cass, duke and tim inclusion in gothamite memes

yes yes, a tall order of cass, duke and tim coming up in 1-14 business days

oldest to youngest batfam members cus I'm confused as shit

okay order of being taken in: dick, jason, tim, cass, damian, duke order of age: alfred, bruce, dick, cass, jason, tim, duke, damian (though cass and jason are around the same age general consensus is that cass is a little older)

I'm so confused Steph is a redhead?? like how was it that hard to get this right? the source material is literally right there and free

cw is jared, 19

do you receive anon hate? if so, how do you deal with it

uh no, i'm not remotely popular enough to get anon hate and i also don't say a lot of things that would attract anon hate, but i do send anon hate to @the-real-peter-parker because he forgot about the specialists from winx club

Wait how many languages do you speak??

uhh- 5 if you include latin, but that's a dead language and i'm really bad at it. but english, my native language, german, and french also, tho german and french not fluently.

You can mix aguaepanela with aguardiente 😈 and is tasty

okay but now i'm curious if the liquor deserves the 😈 emoji or if that's a you problem. but i googled it and it looks like something you'd take one sip of and then not remember the rest of your evening.

#i love all of you guys so much thanks for all these asks #some of these are literally from march but fuck it #the day tumblr puts dates next to anon messages is the day i close my inbox crawl into a hole and die #it's such a basic task to answer asks but i don't want to bother anyone with asks clogging up their timeline #and if i don't have a funny or good answer i'm like 'uhh okay won't answer it now then'#so this is for you #also i deleted a few asks because it gives me mental pain to see my inbox go over 50 and it's almost at 100 #i was complaining about having too many asks to the-real-peter-parker like months ago and then i had 45 asks in my inbox #now it's amassed to going over 100 twice #but no i love all of you and you're great and you're all fantastic and i lvoe you #muchos kiss kiss #kiss kiss for my kiddies lvoe you #invincible spoilers #dc #dcu #dc comics #ask #anon #bataranswers #i really wanna try aguapanela now i'm gonna see if i can find panela somewhere and review it for you babes #uh yeah that's it #muchos gracias for all your questions babes

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slugtranslation-hypmic · 4 years ago

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Your thoughts on the anime made me smile like an idiot bc i can relate to it sm ToT

I watched the first episode with subtitles (and a friend - it’s always more fun with a buddy) so I am back with MORE thoughts: Subtitle Edition. Idk if they will be interesting to anyone, but here’s a sampling from the notes I took.

The Hypnosis Mics are not treated as proper nouns. They’re also called solely “mics”, never microphones. I thought this was a really unusual choice (and fwiw, although you can’t usually tell because of the fonts we use, the Hypmics are proper nouns in the manga).

It turns out an “act” and a “law” are not perfect synonyms of each other, so “H Law” (Funimation) is technically more correct than “H Act” (me). Oops.

Not sure how I feel about “Brother Ichi”. It certainly works for “Ichinii” and is pretty cute, but I do really dislike having siblings call one another “Brother” or “Sister”. While this is not always the case (especially in Asian-American households), it’s atypical for Americans to call their siblings that. I know there’s no exact reason Japan has to stick exactly to American English (and I’d REALLY like to talk sometime about some thoughts I’ve had in regards to removing my natural regiolect (regional dialect) from translation and/or creating a “new regiolect” purely for J -> E translation), but it does stick out like a sore thumb in otherwise American English.

Speaking of Brother Ichi, “Brother Ichi’d never lose” made me make this exact face:

I was surprised by how much characters in the MTC sequence used the word “fuck”. I’ve been learning (slowly - I have a natural potty mouth) that excessive swearing can very easily lead to your translation sounding quite childish, even if it would fly quite naturally in real life. This certainly didn’t sound childish, but I kept going, “Oh my god. Can they get away with that?” Loved the “fucking maggots” from Samatoki.

Juuto has a catchphrase in Japanese (やれやれ) that I’ve been using as either “Good grief” or “Good lord”. He didn’t say it in Japanese as far as I heard, but I did see the translation use “Oh my” for him at one point. I wonder if they’ll continue to use that going forward.

I take character voice very seriously for Hypmic, which means I will occasionally make some fairly arbitrary decisions in order to have each character sound unique and not simply various different shades of “me” speaking. (For instance, Sasara uses “man” rather excessively in English mostly because I started writing him that way due to a casual tone of voice and then it stuck. There’s nothing really in Japanese that suggests he should use that more frequently, but it’s there because it served me a purpose in English.) It’s veeeeery interesting for me to see someone else approach these characters and create their own voices for them, especially because the voices we’re writing match up a lot. Ramuda’s use of “pretty please” made me think of this, but other characters kind of surprised me too. Their Jakurai sounds a lot like mine (albeit a bit more forceful, which is a bit closer to the original imo) too, so much that I was kind of surprised when he said something I normally think of as a Gentarou line. I had to remind myself, “Duh, it’s not me writing this.” Still, it’s fascinating to me to watch someone else start out on their own and end up with relatively similar conclusions.

That being said. The elephant in the room. Gentarou. I’m kind of on the fence on whether or not I liked those choices. Gentarou speaks in Japanese with occasionally archaic language and (almost always) formal language. The archaic language he uses is called bungo, aka literary Japanese, which hasn’t been widely spoken or used since the early 20th century. Gentarou uses it because he’s - ding ding, you guessed it! - an author. Now, I know that I’m just biased... because I translate for another series which is written in a much more obnoxious hybridization of bungo and modern Japanese... but I don’t think Gentarou is that heavy of a bungo user to really necessitate the entire “thee” and “thou” thing. I also don’t particularly enjoy using these excessive archaisms for bungo because 19th - 20th century English literature doesn’t sound like this. It sounds more like extremely formal and verbose modern English, so I prefer to use that and throw in some outdated words from time and time again for similar effect. Of course, one could argue that 19th/20th century Japanese literature isn’t necessarily an exact approximation of 19th/20th century English literature, but bah, humbug. I don’t think anyone but me gives a damn about this anyway. Overall, I liked his speech style quite a bit besides that.

Also really enjoyed the use of “wee bit leery of lending more”. The “wee” almost suggests a British accent, and I will be the biggest advocate of British English Gentarou until the day I die. The choice of dialect can make or break a translation (would love to talk about this sometime too), and using British English for him among an otherwise American English-speaking cast would be STELLAR and BRILLIANT.

I was not at all fond of the use of “D’oh!” as one of the little “Gh!” or “Urp!” noises. Sound effects don’t tend to make, but they can absolutely break a translation. (Also know that I criminally awful at sound effects, so this is the pot calling the kettle black.) “D’oh!” brings to mind Homer Simpson, which is okay for Dice, but not... not good at all for Hifumi. Funimation subber, if you are reading this... I’m sorry... I don’t... I don’t like it...

slaps the table with both hands GOD, “COFFEE AND CHILL” IN THE FLING POSSE RAP IS SUCH A BRILLIANT LINE. (Original was “珈琲タイム” iirc - lit. coffee time) (Also while I’m here, I love the fact that “coffee” is written in Gentarou’s bungo whereas “time” is written in the style of Ramuda’s English loan words. Even the way the lyrics appear onscreen is a mixture of FP’s various styles.) This is such a quick and easy way to provide background about Ramuda’s flirtatious nature and put in a bit of harmless innuendo that often appears in Ramuda songs. This also handily explains the entire “Want to go grab a bite to eat?/How about we get a cup of tea?” thing that appears often in Japanese but is less natural in English. Who thought of this? You’re a genius. You deserve a medal.

I have Jakurai use phrases containing the word “I” a lot (in phrases like “I suppose that x”, “I’m afraid that y”, etc) as a way of softening his speech and making it sound like he’s more ... personally responsible for the words coming out of his mouth, I guess. The translator used quite a bit of those similar phrases, as I mentioned previously, which surprised me a good bit. They also used the phrase “I assure you” which is AN AMAZING line for Jakurai. It gives him a much firmer tone than I normally write him with but also suggests by way of similar sounds “reassuring” the listener and overall making him sound more confident and capable. This is so good. I’m going to steal it.

Overall, I thought it was a really solid translation with a lot of thought clearly put into it. I’m excited to see more work from this subber. Mr. Josh Cole, you are killing it. Huge shoutout as well to Kotonoha Consulting and Sarah Alys Lindholm for their work with the lyrics. Incredibly strong effort. Loved it.

On the other hand, it was a bit affirming to me to see that the quality wasn’t vastly different from some of my latest efforts. There were none of the awkward lines which are still prone to crop up in my work, and it was a good bit more creative than what I can normally produce. Additionally, Hypmic is, relatively speaking, fairly easy to translate if you ignore the god damn raps. All that being said... of course I won’t have the same experience as someone who has quite literally been working in Japanese teaching or translation for as long as I’ve been alive, but it’s enough to make me think that I can, conceivably, start selling my work for money in a couple more years. Whoo. Have to celebrate the little victories.

I’m so sorry to anyone who started reading this in the hopes that it would get interesting. It didn’t.

#not a translation #asks #translation essay

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danihow · 4 years ago

Text

4 a.m

Bucky x Fem!reader

Marvel Cinematic Universe

Summary: Bucky calls you at 4 am because he missed you, and you pick up.

Warnings: Language? Idk.

Word count: 1.6k

A/N: Kinda based on the song “4get” by Voilá. And this is the first English one-shot I’ve ever wrote, so feedback is well accepted in here. Enjoy!

The phone was ringing wildly from the table at the side of the bed; you’d just agreed to yourself to let it ring, it was pretty damn late at night and you got to wake up really early in the morning. At the time the phone ringed, again, you extended your hand, passing it around searching for the goddamn phone, you just wondered who the fuck was calling at that hours; they should know that anything done passed 12 pm was between god and them, not you.

When your hand finally found it you sat, pushing your messy hair out of your face. Your eyes closing when they met with the bright screen of the phone. It took you a couple of seconds and slightly opening your eyes to read the name on the screen, yet it wasn’t a number you had registered.

“Hello?” You answered with confusion and your eyes closed, still sleepy. When your voice got to Bucky’s ears a sad smile posed on her face, his mind imagining you with your messy hair, closed eyes and probably rubbing them with the palm of your hand, trying to wake up a little more, just how you were when he came home from work to the apartment you both shared. “If this is a prank call I’m blocking you” You said when you got no answer, just about to hang up.

“No, no, ‘m sorry.” He said before you tried to hung up. When you heard him you finally woke completely up, your eyes widened and your brows went up with surprise, you hadn’t talked in more than a year.

“Y’know, I would love to hate you, I- I really would Y/N.”

His whisper to the phone was sad, melancholic, making you to furrow your brows even more confused. You were about to reply defensive but he interrupted you.

“Hate your smile, your eyes, the little wrinkles in your eyes when you laugh and sound like a pig.”

“Barnes are you drunk?”

“I don’t know actually, I don’t think I can get drunk anymore.” He said sincerely to you while looking ath the glass of whiskey. “But hey, shut up a sec and listen to me. Y/N”. He shushed you while extending his index flesh finger to air, just as if you were standing in front of him. “I- I’m sorry.” He muttered while letting out a heavy sigh. “I know I messed up badly, I was stupid in every possible way.” He said, putting beside his empty liquor glass. “Goddammit, I miss you. I really miss you.”

“Buck, you should’ve thought of that before breaking up with me, a year ago.” You said, sitting in your bed with your legs crossed.

“I know; I- I know. Steve is always telling me the same shit and I’m sick of knowing he’s right.” The frustration on Bucky’s voice was noticeable, especially by you. He was trying to get drunk with some whiskey but failing. “Every morning I wake up and get reminded of my mistake.”

You stand up from your bed in silence, walking to the little balcony your apartment had, looking at the city that never slept.

Both Bucky and you knew he was going to regret this call later, but he felt like he should, no, he had to get that weight off of his shoulders.

“You remember that time I got sick and you tried to make some soup and ended up burning it? I still not know how the heck you did that.” He said after a little silence. “You came to the bedroom and your face was a poem, you didn’t knew how to tell me you burned the boiling water and we needed some knew pots.”

“Shut up Barnes, go home and sleep.” You said, not wanting to listen to him and that bullshit. You looked up trying to figure out the hour; it must be really late.

“Were we worth it?” He asked, looking by the bar’s windows to the cars passing through the street.

“Bucky…”

“No, answer me Y/N.” He told. “Were we worth it?”

A heavy sigh escaped through you lips, you leaned your head down with tiredness. “We were, yeah, at the beginning, when it was all pink.” You said. “But we were not worth it later, when all we did was argue, arguing day and night, face to face or by phone; at that point it wasn’t worth it anymore.”

“I- I want to know something…” He started, just as if he didn’t ask enough.

“Go ahead.” You said, sitting on a little bench you had, still looking at the tall buildings in front of you.

“Why you didn’t come back? Why you didn’t stopped me from ending us?”

Your heart felt heavy, you knew the answer perfectly but weren’t sure if he wanted to hear it, if you wanted to accept it. “We… We weren’t working anymore Buck, you gave up on us and I didn’t wanted to keep trying, it wasn’t worth fighting for a lost relationship where we were unhappy about 80 percent of the time. I didn’t wanted that in my life, or yours.” You said, all the bitter unhappy moments hitting back on you like a truck.

“Oh, alright.” He said and the line went on silence, Hotline Bling sounding on the background at the bar. “So… um, I think I should let you sleep, sorry.”

“Don’t worry, is not like I got to work in the morning.”

“Oh really?”

“Of course I do Bucky, is Tuesday. Not all of us go around saving the world on weird schedules.” You said rolling your eyes. “And is fucking four, you should be sleeping too.”

“Yeah, whatever, I can deal with Sam’s annoying ass in the noon.” He said, causing a smile on your face while remembering how those two got along, you missed those stupid men too.

“And how are Sam and Steve doing? Does Steve still have that keeping-up-with-pop-culture list?” You asked when the call turned a little bit more comfortable, it was probably just the really late vibe hitting in.

“Sam is annoying as always, and Steve, well… is Steve.” He said, both of you let out a light laugh at the simplicity of the answer; yet you knew exactly what he meant.

Silence installed himself again when both of your laughs vanished slowly, it was a weird-not-uncomfortable silence where you both drowned in your feelings and thoughts. You felt like it was your turn to ask questions.

“What did you felt when we were together?” You asked concerned.

Bucky’s mind stopped working for a second before answering, that was a good damn question. “It all felt like it was meant to be there, like you were the one putting my life together, you made me feel normal again. I loved you.” He thought his words enough so he wasn’t too much a weirdo. “And you?”

You kept silence, waiting for the right words to come. “When we were together I felt like all my worries were kicked out of my life, like everything was in order with me and my life and I would never let you go.” That last words were like stone in both hearts, realizing how messed up everything got later.

The weird silence came in again; it was like he didn’t leave at all.

“Oh fuck it.” You heard Bucky cursing under his breath. “Look, I’m in a bar at four in the morning, paying fourteen dollars for a drink that I don’t know what it is, they have been playing songs of this man all night long and somehow you are the only thing running through my mind all damn night. I know we messed up, like really messed up. But what if we tried again?” He concluded, spilling all what he really wanted to say to you when he first called but didn’t had the guts to say.

“You think that if it didn’t work out once it will work out later?”

“Yes, I do. Maybe it was just not the right moment for us to happen. But I need you back in my life, Y/N please, give me, us a chance again.” He pleaded to the phone.

“Buck…” And that’s it, that is all you could say at the moment, it was really late to be thinking coherently and you needed to give him an answer.

After some more seconds of silence, he understood, nodding to himself and trying to swallow the pill. “Sure, ‘m sorry, didn’t meant to disturb.” He said finally regretting the whole call. “Goodnight Y/N” He said defeated, lowering his glaze and his mouth curving downwards knowing it was time to hung up.

“No, Buck, wait.” You said when you heard him sighing. “Let’s start slowly, as friends.” “Friends don’t feel this way.” He thought while listening to you.

“What about Dunkin’ Donuts at 2 o’ clock on Friday?” You suggested, making him smile to the phone.

“Dunkin’ Donuts at two, I’ll see you there.” He sentenced, nodding his head as if you could see him.

“By the way, how you got my number?” You asked finally thinking about it.

He made weird shh noises with his mouth. “Oh no, I’m losing reception, what a shame, see you on Friday. bye!” He said childishly making you laugh and forming a dumb smile in his face.

“Night.”

“Night doll.” He said just before you finally hung up.

Both of you were left with a bright smile on your face, you just looked silently at the lights and buildings of New York as he paid for the check and got out of the bar. What a hell of a night.

#bucky x reader #bucky fanfic #marvel #marvel imagine #bucky barnes #bucky barnes imagine #james barnes #imagine #bucky barnes x reader #4am #bucky imagine #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes fic

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cattles-bians · 3 years ago

Text

exes au part 15

post directory

em: viola teas i am like. incapable of sleeping in

em: i woke up 10:30 on the dot and i thought. what the fuck

em: 10:30 is especially offensive bc it means the mcdonald’s breakfast is done

obsetress: brain immediately said viola up and about doing all the chores vacuuming with no sympathy for her constantly sleeping in snoring girlfriend dani clayton

obsetress: but nah i'm sorry for you that sucks

em: inspiring deranged viola behaviour is

em: the greatest gift of all

obsetress: god so true when u think about it

obsetress: not that viola vacuums, she def has cleaners but

obsetress: actually no

obsetress: she has cleaners but she's prob not satisfied and gets out her expensive vacuum she has no idea how to use and is clattering n making such a fuss

obsetress: and poor dani

em: she’s up and about rearranging things, she’s causing a ruckus,

obsetress: dani's like "you have just as bad insomnia as me and you're just... getting up? that early?"

obsetress: viola shrugs "i don't need that much sleep"

obsetress: "you do, though"

obsetress: she shrugs and disappears into the kitchen

obsetress: insomniac gf and insomniac gf

em: insomnia gfs

em: viola runs on like

em: supernatural element carrying over: viola is a little too good at running on no sleep and no one knows if she ages

obsetress: YEAH

em: i love a sorta, grounded real life show w like one or two unexplained ambiguously supernatural things that no one blinks at

obsetress: i was gonna be like

obsetress: i wonder what dani and viola do when theyre up not sleeping at night and then i was like

obsetress: Well,

obsetress: no they do that but they also do the most random borderline unhinged shit like

obsetress: dani tries new baking recipes and they sit on the countertop in their pjs or underwear or nothing and eat scones at three am

em: go for night drives

em: night drives aren’t even unhinged but they’re nice

em: but they don’t listen to music they listen to fucken podcasts

obsetress: that fuckin lorde song

[em note: it's supercut]

obsetress: they go to the roof and dani lays her head in viola's lap and stares at the stars while viola reads to her in french

obsetress: ugh i put it on oh god why did i put it on

[em note: it's still supercut]

obsetress: in my head.........

obsetress: i do everything right............

obsetress: when you call............

obsetress: i'll forgive and not fight.............

obsetress: ours are the moments.........i play in the dark OH MY GOD VI'S INSOMNIA AFTER DANI LEAVES AND SHES ALONE

em: ur a MONSTER

obsetress: i need to lay on the floor and put this song on repeat

obsetress: anyway um

obsetress: another thought from when i was thinking about the vacuum like

obsetress: viola has a degree of learned helplessness that all rich people have but she's not an idiot like the rest of them yknow and i think like

obsetress: she had to do a lot when she and perdita were kids!

obsetress: after her mom died

em: hannah......

obsetress: and then after her dad died before she married arthur and like

obsetress: then being a single mom (viola lloyd single mom i'm drooling) even w all the help she can afford

obsetress: she has a chip on her shoulder and Does Things For Herself but also just

obsetress: sometimes it happens! there's never enough time and never enough help!

obsetress: and she loves isabel so much like

obsetress: viola making isabel her lunches

obsetress: oh god

em: making her little lunches at like 2am bc it’s been a busy day and she’s tired and she’s sore and she’s sad but the one thing viola will never skip is like

em: making sure isabel gets her lunches

em: hey what is wrong with us

obsetress: GOD YEAH

obsetress: EXACTLY

obsetress: HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS THINKING ABOUT HER MAKING THEM AT TWO AM UGH

obsetress: anyway um yeah viola making isabel her lunches at two am

obsetress: i know that i wrote jamie leaving flora notes on her napkins but like

[em note: read 'and she taught me a lesson alright']

obsetress: i just think it's something a mom who really loves her kid and wants them to feel safe and okay would do so i want to say vi does it for isabel too!!! and what of it they're different universes it's fine

em: ur just building the hannah obsetress cinematic universe

em: building up some Themes and Motifs

obsetress: themes motifs and symbols

obsetress: anyway viola packing isabels lunches she writes little notes and puts on lipstick n kisses them

obsetress: so isabel can get a kiss from her mom

em: im going to kill u w my bare hands

obsetress: cut to vi in the bathroom wiping it off later à la jennifer check

em: im GONNA

obsetress: sometimes when vi has to go out of town for business or w/e she leaves a stack of napkins with arthur to put in isabel's lunch so she can still get a kiss from her mom even when she's gone

em: thats so extra??

em: its so viola

obsetress: exactly

obsetress: she definitely has a fear of isabel favoring arthur over her (abandonment issues etc etc)

obsetress: gestures at canon

—-

em: dani 'its casual' taylor

obsetress: leave the typo

obsetress: dont you dare change it

em: i need u to know that i DO fuck but

em: hgfngjkyhGJBJKFHD FUCK

em: ruined my own joke

obsetress: in the most spectacular way

em: dani 'i need you to know i DO fuck but im accepting offers' clayton

obsetress: she takes care to drop that like

obsetress: it's just casual SHE'S not anything serious. i'm not dating HER or anything

obsetress: jamie's like dani i know you're gay you literally stare at my lips every time i talk

em: dani getting off the phone and dramatically rolling her eyes like 'ex girlfriends, am i right? whats up with these women i-' and jamies like love i get it

obsetress: jamie raising her eyebrows "how many ex girlfriends do you have"

obsetress: dani's like "well, just the one, but"

em: but i COULD have more. if i wanted to. bc i am looking to date more women

em: jamies like ok cool

obsetress: jamie, a little too casually: oh? any, uh. prospects?

em: danis like (patented nervous dani lip bite) maybe but

em: jamies like drat

em: jamies like darn

em: and then she gets home and shes like

em: wait

obsetress: jamie calling dani back "when you said maybe"

obsetress: and dani immediately is like yEAH?

em: jamies like do you think you could ever be interested in me and danis like umm. yeah.

em: jamie hangs up like ok cool

em: long beat

obsetress: oh my GOD

em: REDIALS

---

obsetress: ok last thing i was gonna say

obsetress: i meant to say this earlier and got distracted a hundred times over

obsetress: but um imagine dani helping isabel with her english homework

obsetress: vi helping isabel with her math homework

em: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

em: SOFT

obsetress: well,

em: oh no

obsetress: isabel needing help w her english homework post dani and vi's trying to help and vi's smart n all but

em: get HELP

---

em: dani 'hooking up w my ex is actually a v girlboss of me' is SO funny to me

em: when they get together danis like, oh but havent we all- and jamies like nooo i have very good boundaries

em: except for the perdi vi psychosexual power play ig

obsetress: moment of weakness

obsetress: who wouldn't want to hook up w their hot boss

—

obsetress: when dani goes up to london whatever weekend like friday night to get her closure dinner with vi

obsetress: boom haircut and therapy reveal

em: 3 day bender u say

obsetress: all of a sudden it's sunday night and

obsetress: YEAH

obsetress: they spend

obsetress: all fucking weekend

obsetress: in vi's bed

em: sighs dreamily

obsetress: dani playing with her hair

obsetress: "this is nice"

obsetress: "i'm gonna miss your bun though"

obsetress: vi's brain is short circuiting at "i'm gonna miss"

em: later danis like look. jamie. what would you have done? and jamie chokes on her beer and splutters 'not fuck my ex for 3 days straight?!'

obsetress: dani "well you've never fucked v–– oh wait"

obsetress: "you really can't blame me, jamie, you KNOW" jamie: (grumbles)its different... dani: well i mean i guess, technically, you didnt,

obsetress: unrelated in some bad fight at the end vi is like "you can't go isabel needs a–– you're like her–––" and dani's like "a what? say it" and viola's too stubborn and proud and hurt to say it

em: just perpetually bouncing back to the worlds angstiest break up

obsetress: i don't know WHY

obsetress: as someone who HATES ANGST

obsetress: i am so DRAWN to these two

em: its ummmm weirdly cathartic??

em: the whole exes au is based on a joke about them being friends and exes. we are v firm in like. viola and dani reconcile!

em: idk i love a catharsis moment! i love it when a character claws their way to happiness. or even begrudgingly goes to therapy

em: viola can go through a little hell as a treat

obsetress: turns out the only one who could fix her in the end

obsetress: was the one who said it's not my job to fix you

em: dani transformative power of (platonic) love

obsetress: "Platonic"

#the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au

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thephantomofthe-internet · 5 years ago

Text

Read Into Me Chapter 3: The Scarlet Letter

Steve Harrington x Reader

CATCH UP ON THE SERIES HERE

Word Count: 4,420

Warnings: Bad grades, swearing, anxiety, bullying

Tag List: @divinity-deos @thecaptainsgingersnap @wolfish-willow @scoopsohboi @herre-gud-nej @clockworkballerina @maddie1504 @i-am-trash-so-much-its-scary @bajino-in-the-hole @buckysarge @wildcvltre @stanleyyelnatsiii @t0rmenta0 @10blurredsmoke10 @unusuallchildd @n3wtscaseofniffler5 @alwaysstressedout @peterparxour @linkispink1995 @asharpknife @a-big-ball-of-idk @used-avocado @mochminnie @sledgy14 @the-creative-lie

Steve arrived first to Mr. Lawrence’s homeroom, his paper shoved to the back of his notebook. He was happy to have the distraction of Vicki and Tina jabbering at him. He didn’t want to think about his paper. English wasn’t his best subject, but he could hide it from his peers when it was just the teacher and him going back and forth on essays, him writing and them marking. Now, somebody was going to know that he wasn’t good at this. Nancy knew, of course, and while she didn’t say it she always seemed a bit judgemental over his lack of essay writing skill. She was good at everything; it made him feel like he was in good hands when they were together, like they both had something to offer. Apart, it made him feel stupid and secondary, like he was awful at everything. Truth be told, he didn’t exactly know what he had even offered to that relationship, looking back he couldn’t understand why he thought he was worth anything in a relationship at all.

When he sat down, the desk next to him was empty. Steve wasn’t usually early to class, so he was a bit relieved to not see you there. Maybe he could avoid the eminent roasting of his work.

You got to school late. You were absolutely drenched from head to toe. You had walked to school that day, and a sudden rainstorm hit you halfway through, soaking you before you could make it to the building. To make it worse, you’d decided to wear white for the first time in forever. You rushed to your locker in the hopes to change and luckily you’d left a stained sweatshirt there from the previous semester. You’d pushed your wet hair up and away from your face and rubbed away the bits of black eyeliner that had flaked down you cheeks. You looked like shit and you knew it. It was turning into a less than successful morning. You hadn’t even had a chance to look in your locker mirror once you’d changed. You were already late enough for class and didn’t need the write up. You rushed to your English class.

Everyone turned their attention to the doorway when you opened it. You hurried to your desk, keeping your head down and ignoring as Vicki and Tina laughed. You heard Tina say “She looks like a drowned rat.” But you chose to pretend that you didn’t. You were freezing; Hawkins High turned off the heating system mid-March and left the school to stew in whatever weather the state was dealing with to save the county a few bucks a month.

Steve slid his paper onto your desk, keeping his eye on the front of the room as Mr. Lawrence took up attendance. He’d written on the board in chalk ‘how to peer edit’ in thick block letters. You weren’t exactly enthused by the topic, but you were glad to have the dull class to doodle instead of actually listening. You flipped the paper in front of you, looking over Steve’s chicken scratch without really taking in any of the information. You slid it into your trapper keeper, passing Steve your own typed copy of the assignment. You’d made sure to keep the original at home, edited just in case Steve didn’t give you any edits. You left in some mistakes so he could get a grade, but you didn’t want to have to rely solely on him.

You flipped open your sketchpad slowly, keeping your eye on Tracy Lords curly mess of hair piled high on the top of her head like Medusa’s snakes trapped in a golden laurel, or in this case a braided headband. You pulled your graphite pencil from the pink pencil bag you’d sewn in freshman year home-ec. You started with the shape, trying to capture the exact strangeness pile, making little tight curls in the centre of the oval and spiralling in all directions. You felt a pair of eyes on your neck and you turned to see Steve staring over your shoulder. You pulled yourself and the pad inward, trying not to blush. You didn’t like people looking at your art; you hardly showed your work to anyone, even Samantha. All of your drawings sat in their pads, which piled up as the years went by, untouched and forgotten. If Samantha wasn’t allowed to see the pictures of her, Steve Harrington was certainly not allowed a peak.

“Alright, today if you and your partner are ready to begin, we’ll start editing our papers. If you aren’t ready, that’s fine but today is the only day that we’re doing in class editing so I would spend today trying to finish up so you can at least pass your papers on.” Mr. Lawrence explained. You sighed, closing your pad and pulling Steve’s essay from your trapper keeper.

“Now, we want to look for not only spelling and grammar problems, but also sentences that don’t make sense and confusing details within the essay. It’s not about how many big words you can use, it’s if you can accurately and dynamically give your reader information.” Mr. Lawrence explained. He took to the board, writing key points for his marking, specifically to edit in pen and give a letter grade for the paper.

Tina’s hand shot up “You want us to grade the paper? Isn’t that your job?” she asked, smacking her gum violently. Vicki snickered into her palm, reddish brown hair away from her face.

Mr. Lawrence shook his head “No no, I’m not taking your grade on the papers into consideration for my grade, instead I want us to give each other grades to mark the progress of an essay, to give your partner an idea of what the paper might be worth. It’ll be up to them as to whether or not they are comfortable with the grade or if they want to improve.”

You didn’t like that. Who the hell wanted their classmate grading their paper? This was a recipe for disaster. You uncapped your red pen with your teeth, chewing on the lid nervously. You looked over the page. You had made up your mind that you’d be nice. You’d want Steve to be nice to you. It was the least you could do.

But it only took a few lines to understand that this was not a good paper. Spelling and grammar mistakes galore, run on, confusing sentences, no clear subject. It wasn’t even a good story, hell it wasn’t even an essay it came off more like a point form list. As you added more and more red ink to the black, white, and blue it started as. The paper started to become a Jackson Pollack more than a lame essay for an English class, it almost felt beautiful instead of shitty to destroy his essay. It was as though you were turning into art.

Out of curiosity, you looked over at your paper to see how it was fairing. Steve was, as expected, chatting up Vicki from across the aisle, and he’d made two corrections on your page, both small mistakes you’d left in. You rolled your eyes, a pit of annoyance making itself known in the centre of your stomach, as bitter as the cyanide in a peach pit. You made your last two corrects before scrawling a large ‘D’ at the top of the page and initialling next to it.

You flipped the paper over and pulled back out your sketchpad and brought it close to your chest, pulling your knee up to your chest and adding more curls to the back of Tracy Lords’ head, then focusing in on the braided headband until the bell rang. You flipped your pad closed and slid Steve’s essay back to him, quickly putting your stuff away.

“You mind if I take this home and give it to you tomorrow?” Steve asked, waving your essay in front of your face, nearly giving you a paper cut on the bridge of your nose.

You pushed the paper away, squinting up at him. “Yeah, whatever…” you replied, turning away from. You didn’t feel bad for giving him a bad grade now. He was still a dick head. “Don’t forget your paper.” You added, quickly making your way into the halls. You didn’t usually have the confidence to be snarky with anyone you didn’t trust, but something told you that you could handle Steve Harrington. Maybe it was just how awful his essay was, you felt like you could talk your way out of a fight.

Samantha grabbed your arm as you left the room, the pair of you thankful to have the same lunch period every other day. You hurried into the cafeteria. You knew well enough that she was on the prowl, eyes scanning the room for a certain figure.

“I think the band’s practising today, dude.” You said, taking an extra tray for Samantha and getting her serving of lumpy mashed potatoes and chicken surprise slopped on the plate. Samantha was looking for Robin Buckley, a junior on her soccer team who had drawn her attention as of late, and had been trying to get closer to her as of late, inviting her to join them for lunch every time she saw her and leaving you to third wheel.

“Yeah, probably.” She replied, taking the tray you held out for her and paid for her meal. “So, how’d talking sweet, sexy assignments with King Harrington?” Samantha crooned, batting her eyelashes up at you.

You rolled your eyes “Well, for one, we don’t talk period, and for another it’s fucking awful.” Taking your places at the table closest to the emergency exit, you settled into your routine of trying to choke down the awful cafeteria food. You grabbed your trays and had them filled with whatever horrific concoction the lunch ladies had come up with that day. You carried your grey and brown mushy mess to your table, a small four seater near the edge of the room, out of view from the popular assholes who liked the throw food.

“Oh? Is that what makes it awful? Not getting to enjoy the charming conversations he has to offer?” Samantha was trying hard not to laugh. Watching you squirm was hilarious.

“More like because I have to read his writing…” you replied. You jabbed your fork into what was supposed to be pot roast, but seemed to be ninety percent instant gravy and ten percent meat from an undetermined animal.

“Since when are you such a snob?” Samantha’s mouth was full of mashed potatoes, but the words rang clear.

“Since I spent my morning reading absolute dog shit about a vacation to Miami beach. It was pathetic! I mean, and I’m no critic, but if you’re going to write me an essay on your vacation, can you at least make it interesting?” you ranted. The more you talked about how awful it was the angrier you got about it. You spent so long on art and creating, you spent your time working hard and for someone to slide through life made your blood boil.

Steve didn’t usually spend his free time searching through the cafeteria for people, people usually found him. Tommy and Carol had already motioned him over, their new friend Billy already gone somewhere else, and Vicki and Tina had called for him to join them, but Steve had to handle something first. He didn’t really know what he was looking for, he wasn’t certain he’d find it in there, but there wasn’t any shame in searching. He would ask someone for directions, but it seemed that nobody knew or cared where you were at any time.

You gave him a ‘D’. A god damned ‘D’! He was flummoxed, he thought his essay was shit, he wouldn’t pretend that he didn’t, but he had expected you to be a bit kinder. That was like the unexpected rule of everyone in the class, to grade on the curve. But you went in hard. All he wanted was some answers.

He saw first a flash of pencil stained hands in the air, then the shine of your hair under the florescent lights. You were talking with your hands, making Samantha Cameron laugh hard. He’d never seen you that animated, it made him smile for reasons he didn’t quite understand.

He chuckled, coming up behind you in the hopes that your ease would stick around if he didn’t announce his presence. “You really gave me a D on my paper? What did I do to deserve that?” he asked.

Apparently, you really couldn’t smile when he was around. Both you and Samantha’s smiles dropped, your punky friend dropping her gaze as you were forced to turn around. “Oh…um…well I mean it…maybe I need to look it over again, I was probably being too harsh…” you stuttered, unable to keep yourself from burning up. You prayed that he hadn’t heard what you were saying. That would’ve been awful.

“Hey, it’s cool, the paper’s no good, it’s no big deal.” That was a lie of sorts, when Steve saw the big red ‘D’, his heart dropped. And he really didn’t believe that you were as innocent as you seemed. You seemed guilty over something.

“Well…I’m sorry anyway. I didn’t mean to bother you…” you apologized. You hoped he’d go away; you’d never been more uncomfortable around a person than Steve Harrington. You didn’t know why, but something about him made gave you more butterflies than other people did, he scared you for reasons you couldn’t quite understand.

“You didn’t bother me, don’t worry.” Steve chuckled awkwardly. You wouldn’t look him in the eye, it was throwing him off. “So, listen, I don’t want to fail this class,” he huffed out a sigh, rubbing the back of his neck “Could you maybe help me rewrite this thing?”

You looked to Samantha, unsure if you could even speak words anymore, but she was smirking into her pot roast. Absolutely no help at all. You tried to smile “Um…sure, I can’t promise I’ll be much help though…” your voice was hoarse and unsure of itself. You hated that you’d said yes, but you couldn’t bring yourself to refuse. What if he got mad? Or yelled at you? You couldn’t handle being ridiculed or yelled at, you’d die.

Steve chuckled “Any help I can get is good enough. I can meet you in the library after school, okay?” he said, turning his gaze to Tommy’s hollering from across the cafeteria. He waved him over with both hands, like a sailor on a sinking ship, trying to beckon Steve back to where he belonged. Steve nodded, holding up his index finger, he only needed one minute.

“Sure, yeah that’ll work.” You said, fiddling with a thread hanging from the edge of your grey sweatshirt. You’d painted a little pink flower on the inside of the sleeve. When Steve saw it, he couldn’t help but smile at it; it looked so sweet and earnest.

“Alright, I’ll see you then.” He left after that, heading over to Tommy, who was frustrated beyond belief. He took his seat easily, stealing the pudding cup off of Carol’s tray wordlessly.

“What did that freak want?” Tommy asked loudly, his eyes blown wide. Carol was painting her nails, not even bothering to look up from her work. Tommy made no attempts to hide his dislike of you. He’d expected his best friend since the second grade to feel the same.

“She’s nice, we’re doing an assignment together.” Steve replied with a shrug, pulling the plastic covering off the cup, sticking the plastic spoon into the vanilla pudding.

Across the room, Samantha grabbed onto your hands with a giddy grin. “Look at my little girl! She’s got plans, with a boy!” she squealed, swinging your arms back and forth over the table.

“Jesus, can you please stop acting so straight? You’re gonna scare Robin off.” You yanked your hands away, watching with a grin as she turned her attention back to looking around the room excitedly. You let your eyes find Steve in the cafeteria, the buzz of fear filling your ears. You couldn’t believe that you agreed to meet him anywhere. You wanted to disappear.

You couldn’t focus on anything for the rest of the day. Your mind had gone into a feral sort of panic mode, pumping fear through your veins and turning your palms cold. When the final bell rang, it took all your strength and courage to not run all the way home. You knew that if you didn’t show, the problem wouldn’t go away. You’d just have to deal with the results of ditching the next day, and if not done now, then you’d have to deal with it another day. You clutched your books tight to your chest, sitting on the bench outside the library, trying to keep the butterflies from bursting out of your mouth. Your hands kept coming to your hair, trying to fix it or keep it away from your ears, maybe just to comfort yourself. It had dried weird and you worried that it looked ridiculous.

You saw his shoes come up to yours before you saw his face, royal blue Adidas with white and red details and dirty laces. You noted your own dirty white Converse, marked with mud and lyrics to songs that Samantha wrote on the toes. “Hey, you ready to do this?” Steve asked. You looked up and nodded, swallowing hard.

You wouldn’t make eye contact with him again. It was really starting to freak him out. He didn’t know what he did wrong, but it seemed like you really didn’t like him. Still, you’d agreed to help him and he wouldn’t take that for granted. He’d read your essay twice and it was good. He didn’t know much about good writing, but he knew that Mr. Lawrence would like it, that it would get a good grade. And he wanted decent grades too, so he could get into college and get his dad off his back.

The Hawkins High library was fairly quiet after school, most students headed back home or to after school clubs. Only a few stragglers remained, mostly using electric typewriters and returning books to poor Mrs. Mueller, who always kept the library open till four, waiting for her husband, the head of custodial staff, to finish his work. She smiled at you when you walked in. Mrs. Mueller was a nice woman who let you sit in the library during lunch and always checked in on you when you seemed alone. She was your favourite teacher, despite never having a class taught by her.

Steve chose a table in the dead centre of the room, dropping his blue bag on the wooden chair next to him and pulling out his papers. You carefully followed suite, folding your hands in your lap, unsure what to do with them. Steve smiled at you, sliding the essay towards you “So, what am I doing wrong?” he asked.

You narrowed your eyes, unsure where to begin. You picked up the paper, and then open your notebook, writing down everything the story seemed to be about. Steve watched you, utterly confused. Once you had every down, you set down your pen. “Okay,” you didn’t look up from your paper, sliding the essay to the middle of the table. “Tell me what your paper is about.”

“What? You read it, you should know.” Steve laughed awkwardly.

“Humour me.” You replied, looking up slowly to meet his eye. Steve’s smiled dropped, looking at you for a second. You broke eye contact first, but he wished he had been able to hold it for a moment longer.

“Okay, well,” he took a deep breath “I wrote about my family’s trip to our cottage on Miami Beach, and I talked about what I did. Nothing much.”

“Okay, because what you actually wrote isn’t really about that. What you told me is that you went to Miami Beach, your parents own a dirty beach house that was your grandparent’s house and that they’re both dead, that your grandfather fought in World War Two and that the medals were framed in the house, that you met a girl on the beach but she didn’t like you, and that the flight was long.” You explained. You still couldn’t believe that he’d fit all of that into a page of work.

“So?” Steve asked. That was all true of his last trip. Mind you, that was way back in middle school and the details were hazy.

“So, that’s a lot of information that I don’t care about. You can cut all of the stuff about your grandparents, which takes up like half of it. And when you cut that, all I know is that the beach house is in Miami Beach and you met a girl and the flight was long. That’s not bad, but I’d like to know a bit more about it.” You said, taking back the essay from the middle of the page and crossed out every line about his grandparents.

“What do I say instead then?” Steve asked, watching as you crossed out half his page, trying not to sound defeated. You were basically saying that he had to start all over again.

“Well, tell me about the beach? Pretend like I’ve never been. What’s there to do, what’d you like about it?” you shrugged. You found yourself feeling a tad bit calmer; the butterflies had calmed their intense flapping and had let you breathe.

Steve sighed “I don’t know, I’m just bullshitting.”

“What’d you mean?” you asked.

“I mean, I didn’t go on there, I haven’t been to our beach house since I was a kid.” Steve looked away. He was embarrassed to have been caught in a lie, even more knowing that now he’d have to rewrite his whole paper.

“Oh…what’d you actually do on your break?” you hadn’t expected him to be lying about anything, a snow bird spring break trip sounded about right for his family, they were always bragging about their money.

Steve chuckled “Oh no, nothing worth writing an essay on.” You looked up at him again. He seemed a bit sad. You pulled another sheet of paper from your trapper keeper, setting it overtop the last one.

“Tell me about it.” You smiled at him despite yourself. He was bit easier to talk to than you’d imagined.

Steve swallowed, nodding despite himself. “Well, I mean my parents went to the beach house and I tried to throw a party, you probably heard about how that went.” He rubbed at the back of his neck.

“No…” you shook your head. Steve wasn’t expecting that. Everyone had heard about the failed party, he’d gotten shit about it for weeks.

“Well, I couldn’t get any supplies, so I cancelled and hung out with Tommy and Carol instead. We got drunk in my backyard and Carol fell in the pool. She was so pissed. Then, I pretty much just hung about town, helped my buddy Dustin beat Dragon’s Lair at the arcade.” Steve didn’t really like admitting how lame his life was, he purposefully left out how Tommy and Carol only hung out with him when he went to pick up some weed from his older brother and they wanted a hit off it. Admitting that his life wasn’t that great made him feel small and like it was out of his control, which was not exactly a good feeling.

“Okay, tell me about the little party you had with Tommy and Carol. What was the night like? Was it fun? Did you jump in the pool too or did you watch her fall and laugh?” You had written down the few details in a bubble tree and added more details as he explained his time more thoroughly. You managed to get a bit more information on both events, learning more about his friend Dustin and the game they played.

When he was finished, you slid the page over to him. He took it, eyebrow raised in confusion, but you spoke before he could ask any questions. “This is your blue print. I wrote down everything you told me; now just turn it into an essay. The whole trick about these assignments is that you’re telling a story, and to make it interesting you have to give us details, and not about your grandparents or other things that don’t add to the story at hand, about what actually was happening.” You explained, checking the plastic watch on your wrist. It was almost four and Mrs. Mueller had already passed your table twice, her silent warning to leave. Everyone else who had been there had long left and you became very aware of how alone you were with him. The butterflies started their flapping again, churning tides in your stomach.

Steve smiled “Okay, I promise it’ll be interesting though.” He chuckled.

You shrugged “I promise that it’s more interesting than what you had before.” You shoved your papers into your bag, standing quickly “If you want me to look at it again before you hand it in, just bring it to me in class, alright? The library’s closing so I should go.”

“You want a ride home?” you spun around to look at him, crossing your arms over your paint splattered sweatshirt. The rain storm of the morning was long forgotten and you didn’t know what the weather looked like now. A part of you wanted to take the ride, but a much bigger part of you told you to run away.

You shook your head “No, um my friend Samantha said she’d drive me after her soccer practise, she’s probably waiting for me.” You lied straight through your teeth, adjusting your backpack straps on your shoulders.

“Oh…sure, yeah, I’ll see you around.” Steve stood slowly, tucking in his chair. You waved politely and headed out. The rain had stopped, thank god, and you rushed to your locker, grabbing your wet clothes from your locker before making your way outside. The field was muddy, practise was probably cancelled. You took the long way home that afternoon, cutting through the woods and the muddy park to avoid being spotted by Harrington on the way and getting caught in a lie.

The afternoon had gone well. And that scared the shit out of you.

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