#idk maybe I'm just thinking too much or smth
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It's strange being in a fandom so long that you see things that used to be common knowledge get lost to the sands of time.
Like Twilight Princess has started experiencing the Zelda Cycle in reverse which rip, so there's been a lot of 'in defense of Twilight Princess' videos on YT recently. And something I'm seeing most of them say is "yeah it would've been better if they orchestrated the music, and they should have."
Which is absolutely baffling to me. That was one of the big things about Twilight Princess when it came out. They tried to have the soundtrack orchestrated. They wanted it orchestrated but they were told no. That's why Skyward Sword was such a big deal! Skyward Sword did get the orchestra. They said they finally achieved the dream they've had since TP by having the soundtrack orchestrated.
It's so wild to see that knowledge forgotten.
#like do people not remember why there was so much hype around the zreo announcement and release of the Twilight Symphony Selections?#am I just old????????#idk maybe I'm just thinking too much or smth#been getting so many TP retrospective and analysis and video essays recs on YT and I just been watching them all#I feel like I gotta dig up those interviews but I swear I read one in a Nintendo Power magazine and trying to find that is gonna be rough#Idle Thoughts#obviously this applies to other Zelda games too. There's a couple MM and OoT theories that just don't exist any more and it makes me giggle#I've also only been around since between OoT and MM NA release time frame#Makes me wonder what og og fans that've followed Zelda consistently know that we don't
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eyyyy,, guess who's been drawing more of that hc x msa au?
been making a lot of scene redraws/edits for the past few days,, buuut i'm not quite done with them yet,, so i'll prolly share them another time. until then- here's a lil pearl design! mostly made these to finalize her design,, since the next scene i'm doing involves lewis,, sksnsks.
#my art#hermitcraft#mystery skulls animated#<- sorry msa fans i am once again subjecting you to my minecraft madness#pearlescentmoon#pearlecentmoon fanart#design(mostly the hair) is inspired by kitsuneisi's ddvau!pearl!#dude it took me so fucking long to find a hair style i liked + i could draw#worried her ghost design might be a bit much; but also. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#bonus au lore for you guys: thinking the peppers(lewis' family) would perhaps be the life winners? who all just run a restaurant together?#or smth idk#minus cleo cuz they already goots a job at a bookstore#either that or just skyblings maybe. idk i'm still thinkin bout it#i would've done soup group or the mail guys but uhh. gem and etho already have roles as the other main characters ksnsksnso#also trying to figure out what the ice power equivalent would be for gem; too;;#but uhhh. starting to have a headache now so i'm signing off for now o7
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i finished thesis, won an award, and have graduated.. hello 👋🥸
#i'm not coming back but :') hello#i forgot i even had tumblr still on my phone djdkdkdkdk#i just opened it for the first time in ??? 5 months or smth i think idk for sure#life is weird :')#remember when i said i wanna drop out every day of my life :') bc i suck at design#welp i won an award for my design thesis :')#jsjdjdkdkdkdj#turns out having friends kinda changes your life 🫂#having friends at school has actually :') made me a happier more normal person lol#i haven't been miserable?? i haven't wanted to kms ... i have been so happy and yes school was shitty but i wanted to go and try hard bc#my friends motivated me to stay and try and that's crazy :') idk#felt really loved and like i belonged somewhere for the first time in my life 🫨 like woah ppl like me and wanna be my friend? me??#:') i'm really happy... isn't that weird#i used to want to kms every other day hsjdndkdkdks lol 😭#now i'm like 😭 every day i look forward to waking up bc i'm happy and i have ppl who love me and i wanna see them again and i wanna spend#time with them again and play games with them again :')#literally stayed up till ??? 4 am yesterday talking to one of them like#😭#god jm djjdkdkdkd idk :')#my life is good...#???? IM NOT MISERABLE IDK GUYS#wild af#even winning the award was such a shock like 🥲 damn . who ? me?#ppl from like :') this big design thing in toronto we're praising it too like djdjdodjdkdj#:') it's kinda crazy.. i was super !#man.. i cant believe how 5 months ago i was gonna kms ����👆 and now i'm like erm actually maybe we do need to live#:') anyway#i hope ppl on here are doing good ����🔨#it is sad to not be here as much but also 👋😌 i'm happy to be free at the same time so ✨
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i think... au oli's mom would be a bird lady. like a crane or something. and his father would be a shapeshifter bc royal lineage powers but he's Also he'd be a big panda man y'know. like father like son. his dad met a pretty bird lady in the village and fell in love with her so he made her his queen and they're in love. can anyone hear me
#'pho these are characters that were never onscreen and never will be no one cares' *i* care. it's important. to me#also his mom is bisexual and his father is the Token Straight of the parent not-quite-a-polycule oli has goin on#(his bonus dads are gay but they're a separate entity. they just happen to raise him pretty much together. idk what that is. not a polycule#did i kinda just want to make it so oli being a panda main that could fly before he could walk makes sense? maybe.#also. i think. the shapeshifting power thing only applies to direct lineage. you don't get it from marrying in or being an advisor or smth#so it's just the emperor father and oli. they're Special#does that mean if oli never has kids the power will die off. uhhhHHH-#actually idk. i'll think on that#considered making ren and martyn shapeshifters too but then it feels like there's Too Many of them yk...#GUH i'm still working on the worldbuilding of the valley. just needed to get thoughts out <3#pho.posts#butterflies.and.wind.chimes
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Sort of a ramble, sort of me just writing my thoughts out while I'm stuck with writer's block, but I keep thinking about how Fulcrum was in stasis for roughly 3 million years??
Like, that's a long time, even for Cybertronians. Not a really long time, not an entire lifespan. But still, it's a large chunk of a normal lifespan just gone. Poof.
One second you're crawling across the pockmarked terrain of an alien planet, surrounded by the sound of gunfire, and the shouting and screaming before and after each earth shuddering impact of another k-con hitting the ground. And then it's quiet. You're not there anymore. You're drifting somewhere between not alive and just asleep. Preserved somewhere in the background of a doomed body, ignored by time and space, still here, but also not.
And then there's sound. Not gunfire. Not shouting or screaming. Not the sounds that'll haunt you till your dying days, your own death sentence pounding in your head. No. Just voices, talking, standing out against a silent, dead world. Wondering. Joking. Bickering. Familiar. Just, not familiar to you. And you're awake. Pulled back from the nothingness you've been frozen in, consciousness tugged forwards with the yank of a fuel pump and the nearness of life.
These two moments are roughly 3 million years apart, but only minutes, maybe even seconds, to him. From a hectic harrowing battlefield, to an old silent graveyard in one blink.
How long did it take to really sink in? I mean, he seems to just roll with it. He doesn't seem particularly bothered. But like, what happened outside of what we see? How did he really feel?
Also, his body aged without him. While his mind preserved itself, freezing him as he was right then, his body was left to weather Clemency for all those years. No wonder it crumbled to dust when he jumped off the world sweeper. It's probably a miracle of some kind that it didn't just fall apart each time someone leaned on him.
And even after they rebuild him, give him a better, newer body. His spark, it's casing, all the irreplaceable core bits that make up their inner bodies, it aged in the time without him. Does he feel it? Does it make his body even more foreign to him?
Then he's also a technician with information that's 3 million years out of date. Lucky him that the scavengers probably weren't working with top of the line material. But still it's gotta be weird when faced with anything brand new, because a lot can change and progress in 3 million years, and now some of the knowledge he once prided himself in is obsolete.
Besides those things, his view of the galaxy, of the war, of their kind, of other kinds, is one of the few things actually pointed out when it comes to him being stuck in the past. So, how often were his old views challenged? Facts of life he held close proved to no longer true? There's 3 million years worth of new science, new beliefs, new words, new terms, new views.
And sure, some of it can be familiar, because they're an ever evolving kind, and they have patterns, core beliefs, repeating behaviors, but a lot of it's gonna be unfamiliar at the same time, because it's 3 million years worth of catch up, it's not like missing last week's trend.
In a way, it makes him a living relic of a bygone era for Decepticons. It would've been really interesting to have had that explored a little more.
#rq i wanna say i love seeing others thoughts on these if you have them. esp those that have thought about it longer than i lol#like. im still just starting to sink my teeth into the lore and put things together. so your thoughts are much appreciated#sometimes i wish that i could turn these rambles into those really well worded. slightly pretentious. but in a fun way. character metas?#but i dont think i can organize my thoughts that well. so. rambles it is lol#not to say rambling is lesser or smth tho. i love a good ramble. love to read them. i support ramblers#speaking of rambling-#idk why it fascinates me so. but theres just something rlly interesting about fulcrum being somewhat stuck in the past#i think it could've played interestingly into his and kroks dynamic had it been explored more?#like. the past and history play big parts in their lives. krok having studied it. and fulcrum having been fast forwarded thru it#it would've been interesting to see them talk more about it? since logically fulcrum wouldve gone to krok for more of the 3mill year rundow#and its like. krok is shown to be really knowledgeable on not only history. but cultures as well. theres and others.#so certain eras of their own culture would probably be a slight interest of his. esp decepticon ones.#and then theres fulcrum. who pretty much got plucked from the empire era only to land in kroks lap (metaphorically) ((...unless?))#so heres this walking talking piece of history. and a dude that has a sort of passion for history. why not explore it more?#and like. yeah. the ''history'' krok has studied is all mostly shit he lived through. but people study the times they lived through-#-because while they may have lived through it. theirs is only one perspective. a good historian takes into account multiple perspectives#idk where i'm going with this now. smth smth fulcrum relying on krok for future stuff and krok having someone to talk history stuff with#i just. augh. i wanna know what their dynamic is more. what we see in the comics is so back and forth at times#like. they seem to hit it off pretty well. but then fulcrum fucks it up ig by being oblivious and a little too ''i can fix him'' vibey#and his taste in comedy is bad. to say the least. which is apparently grounds for messy divorce#also krok is sometimes cool with selling a whole dude. at least when the dude is their befriended giant killer autobot buddy :/#that is also grounds for divorce. obviously#sorry. this is derailing the more i start thinking about how messy fulkrok could be. like. ough <3#they're a little ''i hate my wife'' coded. but in a greater scav codependent poly way. and it's more krok being annoyed with fulcrum#its like. fulcrum: ''i can fix him bcs i need to feel validated'' vs krok: ''wtf is wrong with this guy?! who does he think he is??''#i think they'd want to pick each other apart intellectually. maybe emotionally. smth smth two officers. both disgraced. and power dynamics#its fun. they're both hypocrites. they'd need couples therapy. its also 4am. shit. ok goodnight
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my 1 (one) stardew opinion is shane should not have won the bachelor poll
#stardew valley#like i love shane but his storyline is not improved by him being a marriage canidate#if anything his bland post-marriage dialogue and 14 heart event dampen the message#and clint would have been a GREAT bachelor#linus not so much because he would have suffered from the same post-marriage dialogue dampening as shane#and he's too much of a free spirit to be tied down to your farm#like maybe he'd have a similar romance path as krobus? like you don't get MARRIED married but you have a commitment ceremony!!!#and the wizard... need to be in a love square with the witch and caroline...#his hidden dialogue. the situation with abigail. his adulterous past. his condescending behavior towards the player.#i also don't think he'd marry the player though. would probably make you soul bonded or something#maybe it increases your health or smth? and if you get divorced your health gets cut in half for like a week while you slowly recover#idk i really like the idea of him cursing you if you divorce him. 'not a very mature way to express anger' my ass#clint... i need to marry him...#there's a mod which makes his storyline WAYYY too similar to shane for my liking#with him going to therapy and stuff#but it DID make him realize being around emily makes him uncomfortable which i really like#i think a good route for him to go down would be him recognizing that what he feels for emily is not love or even desire#it's anxiety. emily is nice to him which makes him uncomfortable because no one is nice to him#which he confuses for attraction and he confuses her kindness for reciprocation#i think if emily ever asked him out he would turn her down#like emily would come up to you and be like 'hey i realize clint has a crush on me and i think it's really sweet so i'm gonna ask him out'#and then she does and he just goes 'O-O erm... no thank you...'#which confuses emily but she accepts being turned down and later on#clint talks to you about it like 'i thought that was what i wanted but her asking me out made me really uncomfortable and i don't know why'#and in a romance route he gets with you specifically because you make him feel calm :)#originally i wanted to say this was my most controversial stardew opinion but a LOT of people hate shane. so#also emily shouldn't have won the poll either!!!#sandy would have been a MUCH better option to flesh out her character and the desert more#marnie would have been interesting considering her relationship with mayor lewis#and i hate penny so i would fuck her mom out of spite lmaoooo
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ok ngl as much as i fucking love and adore the prince!gojo n knight!reader series i feel kind of.. not confident when i bring up it up bc my writing style has changed soooo soo much and i would actually like to go over them and fix them up a little before posting the next chapter hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
#like idk they probably have a lot of typos too and#maybe they're a bit shit too😭😭#i just feel like i could write them a little better now or smth yk?#so they'd flow a bit better#and while i don't talk abt them all that much i do think about them all the fucking time#i think i'm procrastinating with the next chapters just bc i don't want it to be over#that sounds so stupid but yeah#ari said that it's like sending your child off to collage and they're so right😭😭😭😭#LIKE THEY'RE MY BABIES THEY MEAN . SO SO SO MUCH TO ME#crying sobbing wailing i have to do better.. for them ...#mayor of loserville
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so there's a trans woman who goes to the centre and everyone calls her by her birthname which she is like... fine with but only because she has no choice but to be fine about it. anyways I've known her for a while through a trans group before the centre so I asked her today if she'd rather I call her by her birthname or her chosen name and she said she prefers her chosen name but I can call her by her birthname if I want and oh my god I was about to cry for her bc god I really feel that whole situation fjdkdl, I just told her "no I WANT to call you by the name you prefer, that's why I'm asking, I want to make sure it's safe for you if I call you [preferred name]" and she seemed so grateful and I'm just :') eeurrgghh i hate how we have to be grateful with crumbs !!!
its just absolutely wild to me that she's presenting femininely and wears skirts and dresses and everything and uses her preferred name when she writes her name down on stuff and yet everyone at the centre calls her by her birthname and he/him pronouns. like. how are people so fucking rude and oblivious ??? she's even worn a she/her pronoun pin to the centre like.... people are so fucking stupid about trans people I stg.
idk I'm just hoping to make her feel a bit more comfortable and maybe if I start calling her by the right name and pronouns then everyone else will too eventually because I know she doesnt feel safe correcting people. I'm not going to make a big thing of it obviously bc I don't want to put her in danger but I will be using the correct name and pronouns now that I've double-checked with her about it, and if I start feeling like it's making things worse for her then I'll check in with her again at that point. I've honestly been stumbling trying to use he/him for her when I mention her to other ppl because she is just... she/her in my brain. it's what I know she wants to use so it feel fucking awful to use anything else !!!
#and my counselor said smth abt her that rly didnt sit right with me#but i was too scared to challenge her on it and ask what she meant by what she'd said#it might just be that this woman talks too much and will talk my ear off if i let her fjfkdl#and then i wont make friends if i just sit with her every day like i was doing the first couple weeks#but smth abt the way she said smth more like... ''getting sucked into all the stuff [she] has going on''#but said in a more... eugh way#idk it set off transphobia alarm bells in my head. ''ooh man wearing a dress who thinks he's a woman how crazy and perverted'' sort of vibe#I'm just... worried. that my counselor is transphobic lmao. I haven't talked abt any of my gender stuff w her#she can she/her me all she wants lol I don't talk about gender w mental health professionals ever after that initial exp a few yrs ago#I DONT KNOW THOUGH THIS IS JUST RLY MESSING WITH ME#LIKE WHY ARE PEOPLE BEING SO WILLFULLY OBLIVIOUS ???#its really fucking upsetting and I've been trying to not let it get to me too much but jesus fucking christ c'mon people 😭😭😭#im hoping i can maybe help change things for the better bc I'll be someone on her side#since she doesnt seem to have that there. god I've cried abt this a few times bc its just awful#and it rly reminds me a bit of my own situation where i just. grin and bear the misgendering and wrong name#except im a coward compared to her fjdksl i never mention my name or pronouns#i will say though that she has consistently misgendered me no matter how often I've reminded her of my pronouns fjdksl#but like... they/them is difficult. i get that. I can't hold it against her esp bc she's in her like 50s or smth#head in my hands. i wish life were kinder to all of us. i hope one day things can be easier#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#transphobia#transmisogyny#<- for blacklists. i uhhh hope this doesnt turn up in searches but oh well !!!
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HSR verse Kaeya ideas:
Path of Nihility, Element Ice
Fell in stride with that path due to his depression after his conflict with Diluc and belief his fate due to his family's ties to the Abyss Order may be to bring his new homeworld's doom ( in part because of his Father's final words to him ), maintained in growing to find amusement in the impossible and working towards it regardless of the fact
Has every intention to try and defy his so-called fate even still, even knowing all that effort may be for naught in the end. But at least he would like to say he tried
Tends to help people on a whim, without desiring credit for his actions or if it may help them in the long run
His abilities sap the vitality of his enemies, but consume his own when he uses his strongest ability
Due to his family's contract with the Abyss Order, his lifespan is longer than most humanoids, spanning centuries. Though not quite that of a Xianzhou native, like them, his people do still face a terrible curse to become monsters after a time, like many of the Abyss Order.
He is glad his loved ones will never live to see him succumb to it. One way or another.
Though he also secretly harbors the strongest desire to force the Abyss's immortality on them to ensure they can stay with him, and face the same fate. He has to wonder if the slumbering monster in him is to blame for that, or his own attachments
#//Was so VERY close to making him path of Hunt#//But then working out how his 'kit' would work said otherwise#hc; kaeya#//I dunno if I wanna make the Knights of Favonius be like#//A faction of the IPC; or if it can be their own thing#//Do love a version of 'Teyvat' being a thing in that universe#//So the way it goes in my mind; his 'skill' Frostgnaw work the same way as his Genshin self with the talent Cold-blooded strike#//Single target; afflicts 'Frozen Kiss' status upon them. Attacking enemies afflicted with it let him regain HP equal to 15% of his ATK.#//Becomes three-target ONCE immediately after his Ultimate; to same effect; having entered a state called Frostbitten Embrace#//His ultimate Glacial Waltz is multi-target/all enemies on field; consumes a portion of his HP upon activation. Inflicts Exposed debuff#//I like to think his animation is like. Once Upon a December; stepping in a waltz as a blizzard picks up; faint figures around him in it#//Icicles like his Burst forming as he twirls as though puppeteered before he throws his hands out & they pierce through the enemies#//Finishing it all off with a bow; exhaling a soft mist. Like Todoroki or that one Gojo clip djfhbfgkh#//The way I'm imaginging it; the music would be something like the Phase II of the Lupus Boreas fight. Just bc I love it so much jhdbgfjg#//Overall; I do like hints of Lacrimosa for whatever song would be it jfbfbd. Not just bc it’s my favorite piece; TOTALLY not lololol#//Ultimate lines prolly being 'Can't handle the cold~?' upon selection; and 'This moment will be frozen in time!' as it proceeds#//I like to think that like how Jingliu's blindfold disappears during Crescent Transmigration; his eyepatch disappears during his Ultimate#//Eyes are closed through it; eyes opening with a flash when he hurtles the icicles#//It stays off during his enhanced skill; then is restored by next turn#//Or smth; idk; I think I wanna tweak his kit for a bit and detail it more but shh#//This is it for now djkngfk#//Technique is Abyssal Heart; upon activation; he immediately attacks the enemy. Upon entering battle; has a 100% base chance to freeze the#enemies for (1) turn. They will take Ice Damage 50% of his ATK at start of every turn. Frozen Kiss will be applied to them in addition#//Idk if that is too broken; maybe. Idevenk shbjdfdjbgdk#//Will edit as I go/come up with new ideas#//Or if sb gives a bit of advice how to do better. Pls help jhdfbgjdg#//I might wanna learn more abt the masked fools for a potential idea; but I think I am content with just keeping jim Favonian aligned#//For now
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Sometimes I forget abt my hunger. Unless I'm made aware of it and ppl start to worry I haven't eaten much today
#💭 — ⌗nervo rambles . ★#In other words I need to eat#but I don't wanna make anything 😞😞#or I just don't want to eat#Idk I haven't rlly eaten a lot today at all#my dad asked if I ate anything and I genuinely had to think for a second lol#idk maybe I forget to eat (very rarely) bc I'm simply not aware I'm hungry#but now I am aware and I wanna eat smth but don't have the motivation to make anything#yeah I can't make much but still#I stay in my room too much 💀💀#anyways I'm gonna be off and do my own things until I go to bed
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hi feel free not to answer this but you're one of the only chronically ill people i know and i probably need to get my blood drawn because i am having Many Issues but i am. super afraid of needles. so basically the question is are needles that draw blood like,, really big? do they hurt a lot? sorry this is probably a dumb question im just terrified auhfguhgahhf
No worries! And in my experience, no not really! My blood draws never really hurt; it's about the same feeling like if your leg falls asleep pins and needles sensations, but only for a split second when the needle comes in and out. If done correctly, you won't feel anything during the actual process, maybe just a bit dizzy & numb. It may sting for a while after the draw (mine still does) but it's really really minor, you probably won't even notice it much. It may also bruise; it's pretty normal too.
The size of the needle varies, though, so here's a word of advice: search out for a more modern, accomodating hospital/lab, and a nurse who works with pediatrics patients, if you can (regardless of your actual age, they are just chiller about anxious people in general imo). Fear of needles is super common and is absolutely nothing to be ashamed about (I actually do well with blood draws but I'm Not Good with IVs and injections, the latter ones moreso than the former), so there is a solid chance they can accommodate you by using a smaller needle or/and local anesthetic (thought I think the last one is... Rarer. My dentist did it, but that man is a force of his own. I don't know how many of his practises are like... Normal).
Getting a good nurse that puts you at ease is so, so important. I cannot overstate it. I don't mean to make this sound bad but I can't lie either, if they mess up, can't find your vein, or just generally suck & rush you & make you feel stupid for asking for accomodations, get up and Leave. Because messed up draws do hurt (not too much, though! I'd say it's comparable to like... Accidentally biting your tongue kinda hurt). I only had one bad experience and I never went to that nurse again.
In general though: the needle probably isn't as big as you think it'd be, it's smaller than the injection ones usually, and you can ask for a smaller one; it doesn't hurt! Actually when I first got my blood drawn from my vein at 10 or so, I was like, wait, that's it? Because of a stupid policy my hospital usually only took blood from the fingertips for kids (don't ask. I don't get it either), and oh god, that hurt Much More than the "adult" one. I was so relieved after being scared out of my mind three minutes earlier. You don't have as much sensation in that area as you for in your fingertips, so if you ever had a papercut and want to compare: papercut hurts more & for longer than the blood draw does.
Good luck to you!! I hope you figure whatever's going on haha. Remember to drink water before the draw to make everyone's lives easier if it comes down to it!
#jay rambles about life.txt#jay gets asks.txt#cw needles#needles tw#I usually don't tag these but this time the description is really graphic so here you go#hopefully that doesn't mess up your search anon lmao#I also didn't want to add it because it's too graphic: I think usually in the USA they use g21 needles. mine uses 23g afaik which is smalle#maybe if you can you can google it or get your hands on smth of a similar size to get used to it! but I've never been scared of needles so#idk how that works#even at its worst the pain I had was like. very There & irritating but not enough to make me tear up or even clench my jaw#I'd say my flare ups hurt Much Worse lol#that was just the accident with the shitty nurse#the other bad experience I had was just me almost fainting. no extra pain! just lightheaded & had to lay down#edit to add because it popped into my head: I actually think most nurses come into the job more prepared for doing these accommodations than#not. especially if you're a teen anon#I started getting those regularly (every 2-3 months) when I was around 14. because pcos#and every time the nurse was like 'don't you wanna... look away or something? do you want us to turn on the music? put a cartoon on?'#and I'm like 'no this is good thank you :]' and proceeded to stare Directly At It. because I'm a freak#she found it unsettling at first and entertaining after that#but also it helps me monitor my hydration level on a more global basis than if or not I feel thirsty but that's a topic for another time
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i should... make special tags for all byan's significant dynamics while i'm thinking about it tbh. idk why i haven't already??? maybe i'll look at getting on that once i'm home 🤔
#i think the only thing that's stopped me is like. the idea of having to find fitting lyrics or w/e for everyone#demand avoidant brain says that's too much work lmao...#but it's smth i DO want to do. maybe i'll just simplify them?? idk idk but i'm gonna do it soon#y'all deserve a special tag around here 😤#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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if i streamed my art process, i think it'd just be me grumbling quietly to myself while i painstakingly slowly paint a needlessly realistic portrait of the same guy for the hundredth time. all with embarrassingly peppy music playing in the background.
#i need music that keeps me moving when I'm working on digital painting DBHFDKL#if i dont then i simply Cannot focus on it properly#maybe it keeps my a.dhd busy so that i can focus on smth for once LMAO#if i Actually streamed I'd try to engage w chat but idk if I'd be able to get much done doing that tbh sbdjdksl#i gotta Lock In when i paint#I'm doing math equations in my brain when i do digital painting SBDHFJSL#anyways this is just a joke bc i dont think I'd ever actually stream art fjdksl too scared to#plus i dont think it'd be interesting for anyone fjdksl i think im far too slow of an artist and uninteresting for that#BUT MAN. sometimes i yearn for company while i work on art fjdjfkdl#i miss discord group calls where ppl would work on art together 😭😭#dandy.cmd
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"i'm not disabled" followed immediately by "i've got bad knees and a bad back" is certainly something to read 🤨 you know it doesn't have to be cripling for it to count, right...? it's not normal to be in pain after 15 minutes of standing. ableds can stand for, like, an hour at a time before they need to sit.
i know! i appreciate the concern, but i uh. dunno lol. genuinely i don't know. but i included the afaik ("i'm not disabled afaik" was the original phrase, though i'm not like mad at you for excluding it or anything) because i'm well aware that it's a possibility. it's hard to explain but there's a lot of little things that don't add up to much but are like. noticeable. like i would prefer to do most things sitting, if i could, as a matter of comfort. it would be easier for me. and walking isn't as bad as just standing. i've never been great at taking care of my body, and this has only gotten worse with time. it's hard for me to know what i should read as necessity and what i should read as preference, and how much weight to put on said preferences. like you said, i know it doesn't need to be "if i don't sit down i'm going to collapse" or anything, but where to draw that line between Definitely A Medical Thing That Affects Me More Than Other People and.. not that, i'm not sure. i kinda just thought i was a persistently slightly tired and low energy person, but it doesn't seem bad enough to be chronic fatigue, so...? is it related to the half-diagnosed. idk it's complicated depression (and yes in hindsight i probably should've counted that as disabling but whatever)? idk it's not a rabbit hole i've explored much at all is my point. but i know it's there and uh i guess this was sort of validating in a way anon so.. yeah? yeah👍
#also in reference to the pain after 15 mins of standing thing it's.. usually closer to discomfort than pain? but it's not Not pain either#it's often more like 'oh i should sit down. i wanna sit down. i should sit down' and it's not that frequent but it's like a status effect#and the frequent reminders are only after like 20-30 minutes#sometimes i don't even notice it and sometimes (if i'm bored lol) i'll notice it a Lot#this is not helped by my body being.. iffy at telling me what's going on. it's always too much or too little input with this guy#ahh that rascal. anyway#listen anon 1) uh sorry for going off like this idk if that's like. socially appropriate or whatever but i'm doing it anyway 2) if you've#got ideas i'm all ears. like off the top of your head not like. im not asking you to do research for an internet stranger ok#plus it feels weird saying i could be disabled when i have no idea what it would even be. i mean i think i'd believe someone else if they#said that but it's a classic rules for me and not for thee situation. still working on that#point is i got brain gunk for sure i just don't know how much of the body gunk is because of the brain gunk or smth else#like the possibly-probably autism definitely affects me physically i just don't know exactly what to do with that information#like. am i exhausted bc i'm overstimulated? is it the burn out? or is that a separate thing? or are they working together? etc#anyway yeah got caught vagueposting about my symptoms here's the deep dive no one wanted. for self indulgence purposes :v#no but i think about it a lot with posts like this bc i mean. would an able bodied person react THAT strongly to finding out shower stools#exist? probably not. but who knows for certain#....coming to the conclusion of. probably. maybe. but in what ways specifically? uh. i dunno. i just got them heavy limbs#might be a thyroid issue now that im looking into it. but again this is Not my area of expertise
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i kinda want to 2 do a mountain dew base because i like mountain dew and also see it as a fairly neutral base. like u can put most flavors in it and have it turn out okay. but u cant put blue raspberry in pepsi/coca cola without that sounding weird ? i would say it's bad but i've never tried it idk it might be fine. but like. versatile
#i dont really like sprite too much#its okay but like ?#lemon lime is just.#interesting ?#idk im not 2 big on it#might just be the mixture at my work too tbh#i keep typing our and like. that is not correct.#im kinda leaning towards blackberry idk i've never tried it i wanna see if it's good but like ? would he like blackberries? idk#at least with casper i had some sort of taste profile#gotta figure it out with my guy pancho#tryin to avoid being mean with his drink thats not fun#i can choose love and kindness#there's a drink called the endless summer#which is almost eternal summer#which could be pancho#so i might modify that to start ?#whats even in that#obh huh. weird drink#i need to put ddown thoughts uhm#i think maybe ?? he seems like a puree and cream guy (i'm a cream and puree guy)#mountain dew im just bullshitting i need it to be smth im willing to drink#like caspers . thats a stretch for me to be able to drink sometimes but it's good enough that it gets me through my shfit#he does seem like hed come up with some weird combo though#pancho would BULLSHIT a drink mayeb im thinking too hard about it#i need to get back in his head#maybe ill bullshit smth tmr and that can be my pancho drink if i like it#he seems like an energy drink guy soemtimes but thats gross i dont like energy drinks i cant drink that#my tags got so out of hand they got cut off. oops.#anthonys tumblr adventure
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♡
#starting to believe that maybe all this while i've been punishing myself by isolating myself from people who care abt me#like there have been times when i felt that friends just didnt care. also been times i felt too ashamed to ask for help or seek company#but i think i just gotta give myself grace like . i'm human. it's fine to seek platonic connection n a listening ear. it's Normal#anw so!! i met my best friend for yoga (for the first time!) yday n we talked SO MUCH!! we talked about life careers sexuality relationshi#i also told her about smth that has been plaguing me for two days. specifically my ex ahgkhgjgjns n . talking about it really helped me#what a shocker!!!! that talking about your worries n feelings helps!!! ksggfjsnjkgnjkndg#n i learnt so many new things about her... we usually meet in a group n it's always just a roulette of quick life nuggets#but yday i realised that i never really found out what she's really been up to. i've not had a one-to-one conversation with her in ages!!#thats crazy considering that we're such good friends.... omg. n so it really made me see how much i craved that connection#n how much i'm tormenting myself by isolating myself and depriving myself of the joy that i tend to get from deep social connections :(#n i think maybe it's time to start putting that past self who was too ashamed to reach out for help behind me#idk its been really nice talking to an old friend n being 100% comfortable u know?? it made me realise how much i missed deep connections#my point is i've missed this!!!!! maybe i should do it more!!!!!#personal
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