#idk man I'm just sad
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you know when you really did try even when you gave up a long time ago you saw hope almost and you tried and worked hard and you still didn't get what you strived for
good grades are just that, good
they aren't great
and I hate that I'm not being thankful for it I hate how only perfect scores are considered good and I hate that I've become a victim of that mentality
I wish I so wish I cud be happy but I expected and hoped for something more and I didn't get that and
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Can’t like Pirates of the Caribbean because Johnny Depp is a piece of shit. Can’t like Harry Potter because J.K. Rowling is a terf. Can’t like this series because the main actor is racist. Can’t like that movie because the director is homophobic. This singer is being accused of sexual assault. That celeb is a Nazi. I’m tired. I’m tired.
#to clarify this isn't me saying awful people shouldn't be held accountable or that I want to willingly overlook the things they've done#this is me being exhausted of every piece of media out there feeling tainted in some way#sometimes I just want to watch a film or listen to a song without feeling guilty for enjoying it#I'm so so so tired and sometimes just wish I was ignorant to all the horrible things these people have said and done#but it's really impossible to not care especially when it's people like jkr or literal nazis and rapists#idk man I'm just sad
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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Even when you have a hard day just remember, Bucktommy "has anyone ever told you you're a vision in a cone?" will always be there. Tommy Kinard looked at his adorable boyfriend with a silly party hat on and thought Evan, you're beautiful, you're stunning, you're ravishing, you're a sight for sore eyes. I could never get tired of looking at you. I cherish you. There's nowhere I'd rather be than behind this couch at your side. And he was so real for that.
#needed to remind myself of this and infuse some joy into this wretched anniversary#at least it's almost over and tomorrow will be easier but man ever since 2018 my bday has inspired nothing so much as the belief that#Michael from The Good Place was right when he said birth is a curse and existence is prison like I'm always so depressed on this day#it's hard to look on the bright side when all I can think of is losing my boy 🥹 family tries to make me celebrate but I just want to mourn#what's that quote about grief being love persevering. I love you so much little mister I still think of you every day#it's just hard on this particular day because I still remember it all so clearly and it haunts me#a sweet Bucktommy crumb can be a nice distraction for a time though. Just like Unknown(nth) was when Hozier dropped it out of nowhere in '22#my kitty was called Oliver too not after OS but it is a nice connection that his work can cheer me a bit#ough. idk if anyone will see these tags but just in case I'll tag#pet death#animal death#to hopefully filter it out for anyone sorry to be all sad on my Bucktommy post I couldn't help it thinking of my boy all day needed to vent#and oh this needs actual tags#Bucktommy#911 spoilers#I hope I did those warning tags right idk if I should say “cw” or “tw” with them
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Jaiden: Cucurucho, you have a lot of power, right?
Cucurucho: ...I don't know. Maybe.
Roier: Ah... Yes, you know, don't act like a dumbass, you have it. You have it, man. Eh?
Jaiden: Is there a way for us to protect all the Eggs? Do you know? I don't want anything to happen to the Eggs that happened to Bobby.
Cucurucho: Ha ha ha
Roier: WHAT? [Smacks Cucurucho]
Jaiden: [Bops him] Headpats.
Cucurucho: Maybe.
Jaiden: [Continues to bop him] Headpats. C'mon, I can get it out of you! Headpats! Chin scratches! Belly rubs!
Roier: [Joins Jaiden in bopping Cucurucho, chuckling and laughs]
Jaiden: Yeah? He's comin' around!
[Jaiden and Roier both laugh]
#Jaiden Animations#Roier#Cucurucho#QSMP#Jaiden#Animations Family#There is. So much I could say about these three#and so much I could say about their relationship / interactions with Cucurucho and Osito Bimbo#Cards on the table... I really would have loved it if Cucurucho / Osito genuinely cared about Jaiden#I mean I know they DID care about her to some extent that much is clear#But they / the Federation were also ABSOLUTELY using her. I'm not arguing that they weren't#But how could anyone not be charmed by Jaiden? The boba the tea parties the head pats–#The empathy and kindness and everything that made q!Jaiden who she was–#Cucurucho and Osito were tools of the Federation but I do want to believe they cared about Jaiden. Albeit in their own fricked up way#I dunno. I know this sounds like massive copium probably but I watched all of her and Roier's streams interacting with them#and I personally think that conflict and duality makes for a more interesting story#But that's just me and my own personal biases. I dunno how to properly put it into words but I am cradling them all close to my heart#I loved Cucurucho / Osito and I thought they were interesting and I'm SO SAD we'll never know what Jaiden did for them in the past#Anyways. For anyone who's read this far into my rant– you know how Cucurucho saved the Eggs and Jaiden said she died in Purgatory?#I like imagining that she survived the bomb and wound up finding the Eggs in the aftermath#and she helped them survive until Cucurucho found them#I imagine that Jaiden was the reason they were able to escape from the Island / The Watcher / ElQuackity#She stayed behind to slow down their pursuers. And Cucurucho rescuing all the Eggs fulfilled his agreement with Jaiden—#A promise to protect the Eggs#Like I said a lot of this is copium but that's what I like imagining#TLDR: Cucurucho / Osito did care about her in a weird way but that doesn't mean they weren't manipulating her#May 31 2023#Idk man I got a lot of emotions about q!Jaiden#Roier too but I feel like I've done way more analysis posts about him and Cucurucho. Jaiden needs time in the spotlight#Anyways there's my monthly tag rant
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The worst part about trying to figure out what Crocodile's deal is that because he's so fucking irredeemably evil in Alabasta... Like... Yeah he's just irredeemably evil. Like I love him but he did cause countless casualties, a ton of pain and suffering and literally attempted to blow up a million people
Like no amount of theoretical "trying to do it to save his son from the Government" or "trying to stop the Government from hurting anyone else" or just "doing it for the greater good" is going to make him any less of a mass murderer
But also Robin absolutely 100% helped with all of that shit simply because she wanted to read the Poneglyph for herself.
No amount of her intending to betray Crocodile from the begining and sabotaging his plans erases the fact that Robin also caused countless people to starve to death and die in the civil war. Her sabotages only succeeded out of sheer luck, and only spared the lives of the people at the final battle. She has the blood of countless innocents on her hands. Because she wanted to read history.
But her crimes were swept under the rug because she has a sad backstory and her sabotages worked out just at the nick of time by sheer dumb luck
So Croc??? Just??? Is there a chance??? At all???
But also he did literally intend to sell Buggy into slavery
Like, fuck Buggy, but jesus
What's also killing me is that we like. Don't know what Luffy thinks of Crocodile right now. Which really is like. The thing that will decide how we, as the readers, are supposed to feel about Crocodile. Luffy is our POV
Like we don't know what Luffy's opinion of Crocodile is after he helped save Luffy (and spared Ace once) during the Summit War. Like Luffy clearly fucking hated the man in Impel Down and the two interactions they had during the War weren't like positive (in the sense that Luffy himself didn't think of the interactions as particularly positive. Defending Whitebeard from being attacked once and then being like "wait what HIM?!" when Crocodile defended Ace. To be fair, in the midst of the chaos, there wasn't much time to spend on Pondering On Such Things because Ace needed to be saved, and Oda goes out of his way to not show us what's going on inside Luffy's head, because it's all meant to be out in the open anyways. Regardless, these weren't like "yay it's Crocodile! :)" moments for Luffy is what I mean)
But also Luffy was very grateful of Law for saving his life and was willing to put his trust into Law for their alliance- of course, they weren't explicitly enemies to begin with, rivals at most, but still. Luffy respects those who help him.
But also Luffy grew during the timeskip. Like he's not that clueless anymore (like he finally understands Hancock is in love with him etc), and similarly Luffy gets that Buggy is an absolute loser now. But also Buggy did also help save Luffy's life (even if it was by accident), and while IDK if Luffy is aware of that, I don't think that helped improve Luffy's impression of Buggy
So like. The fuck does Luffy think of Crocodile, at this moment? Even with the Cross Guild reveal, he didn't even really comment on Croc and just focused his energy on being confused about Buggy being "the leader" of CG. IDK it feels almost intentional or something, that we don't know what Luffy thinks?? Especially since we did get Zoro's opinion on Mihawk in the situation?? Or am I delulu?? (Sidenote. I'd love to know what Robin would have to say about Crocodile helping save Luffy's life. What Jinbei might think of the final words Crocodile left him with before blasting them out of Akainu's reach. But mainly just Robin's thoughts)
Like IDK my best guess would be that Luffy still hates Crocodile just the same but is like grossed out by technically owing him one??? In the classic
-kinda way, you know? And that he'd be just kinda confused about it?
Because I can't fucking imagine Luffy being like "oh we're cool now" with Crocodile, let alone "Yay Crocodile :) He saved my life!". But also like. Luffy does kind of owe Croc one. Kind of. And Luffy is usually very respectful of that kind of thing. Aaaaaaaa???
(Also does. Does Luffy even know it was Crocodile who yeeted him and Jinbei out of Akainu's reach to begin with. 'Cause he was unconcious. Knocked the fuck out. Does. Does Luffy even know. Did anybody tell him???)
I just.
There's the reasonable part of me that knows Crocodile is an irredeemable evil dickbag and everything he has ever said and done up to the most recent chapters support that. He is too far gone.
And then there's the absolutely delulu part that loves a tragic villian who gets a heartwrenching redemption that's looking for any fucking sign that could indicate Crocodile could maybe be one
#Moon posting#OP Meta#OP Spoilers#Sir Crocodile#Crocodad#Haunted by thoughts of one (1) evil middle aged man#IDK I was rereading Punk Hazard today while on the train and just. God there's like no difference between Alabasta Croc and Ceasar#I mean there is but no there isn't. Dude was doing essentially the same shit just this time with much more child abuse#And we all agree that Ceasar is scum of the earth and irredeemable.#But also he was doing everything PURELY out of self-interest without ANY sad backstory to counter balance it#I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE MAN I AM LOSING MY MARBLES#Kuma Flashback I Love You but I need to know what the fuck is happening with Crocodile so bad pleeeaaase#There's also like that note about Kuma saying he'd be wiling to make a deal with the devil just to protect his daughter#And If Crocodad Real. What a greater evolution of that but being wiling to BECOME the devil himself to protect your child#Also sorry about the Buggy slander but also not sorry. All that man is good for is being a punching bag for comedy as far as I'm concerned#He's very funny I'll give you that. And I'm looking forward to him and Shanks getting married
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With today's entry, I was rather surprised and confused that Johnathan seemed to turn around so quickly from the absolute pit of despair he was in yesterday, having newfound determination and energy when he's seemingly been completely hopeless and inactive for weeks now (and for good reason). Not that I ever thought he'd completely given up, but there's definitely been a slow decline in how descriptive his journal entries have been to reflect his declining mental state (more robotic, less of his actual feelings about things), and today was a sharp contrast; it feels more like the early entries again. I thought, well, his mind is probably just so cracked at this point that he's looped all the way back around to being bold and energetic again, because by now he's desperate enough to throw caution to the wind: he either succeeds doing something extremely reckless to escape, or he fails and meets his end in a far better way than if he just waits for his fate by Dracula's hands.
...But having thought about it and reading other posts, I realized (probably stupidly obvious as it is) that his sudden change in mood probably has to do with what happened to the baby. Despite how scared he's been all this time, yesterday he didn't hesitate for a single second to try to save the baby once he realized from the previous incident what was happening, not thinking about his own life at all. And then he despaired when he couldn't save the child, the first time he's mentioned crying in the book at all, and then he had to witness the mother blaming him for her baby's death, and being killed herself for trying to rescue it. Now, the day after that horrific and heartbreaking failure, he's suddenly more determined than he's been in ages to escape. Maybe that was a turning point for Johnathan, and lit a fire under him... maybe he's clinging to the need to escape not just for himself and the people he loves anymore, but for the vain hope that he can put a stop to Dracula's schemes somehow once he gets out, because he doesn't want to let any more children die :' )
#dracula#dracula daily#i'm a new reader so idk how much this is going into headcanon territory or will be backed up later#but i wonder if johnathan feels protective of children because he and mina want kids#i mean he's a good and sweet man so i'm sure he would react the same regardless even if he didn't have a fiance#but if he's planning to one day become a father i'm sure that makes his feelings even stronger :')#he hears those babies crying and thinks about if those had been his and mina's future children. man.#i'm sure that would have made him empathize with the mother even more too; if mina wants to have a child..........#ahhhhhhh i've made myself sad. yesterday's and today's part just made me so sad 😭💔#johnathan you're so good and brave 😭 you're doing your best 😭 it'll be okay in the end 😭#oops i projected paternal instincts onto a soft male blorbo again-#okay but now i need an au where by some miracle he manages to abscond with a baby dracula brings to be killed and it's just#Johnathan And Baby Against The World (vampire)#does that exist. please tell me johnathan and kids content exist cause 🥹🥹🥹#idk how it would work but thinking about it makes me emotional lol :' )
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i don't think we talk about what an absolute BANGER of a line Techno dropped on Quackity before their fight, post-execution
imagine: you're Quackity. you've been through fucking hell. you fought tooth and nail to get this country, traded sides as many times as you needed to, all to end up on the winning side. you finally are a part of L'Manburg, the real L'Manburg, a country of people and love and loyalty.
and there's a dark cloud hanging over your heads, one that cups wither skeletons in its hands and echoes with laughter and the sound of TNT. Technoblade is out there, and could come back at any second to ruin everything you've built. you fought for this, you've schemed for this-- hell, Tommy got exiled to protect this place.
so you decide to be proactive. you put together the Butcher's Army, you prepare for a fight and to kill a man because you'll do anything for this country. you push your young, stressed president into a bloodthirsty plan. you harass Philza, the grief-stricken father of your old rival and fallen president, and rob him, lock him in his home.
you track down Technoblade. you strike with the force of four men in full netherite, and you're losing. you get desperate, you threaten the horse that he loves, and it's the only thing that saves your lives. and you did it-- you've captured Technoblade, you've brought him in, and set him under an anvil. months of planning have paid off, and you're finally going to have retribution, the peace of knowing that's one less person out there who wants you and your home in ashes.
except you don't succeed. except a mercenary and the true ruler of the Greater SMP destroy your plans and Technoblade has a Totem of Undying and your execution is now a battle-- a battle you ignore, rushing through the smoke and blades and screams. because you saw Technoblade run.
you rush into the caves after him-- full netherite armor, axe drawn. you're going to end this yourself. this can't have all been for nothing.
and standing against him, declaring your intentions, he laughs, and simply asks:
"Did you really think... you could kill me that easily, Quackity?"
Like all you did, like all those months of planning and hours of scheming, all of your blood, sweat, and tears, weren't the best you could give? like everything you did wasn't with the full intention of ending this decisively? like all your work was nothing more than a rough few hours for him?
and you fight. and you lose. you lose to a man in iron armor and a pickaxe-- a pickaxe he puts through your face.
and nursing your wounds, staring at the ruins of a execution stage, you know he'll be back. and now, you know exactly how futile your efforts to stop him were-- and how much harder you have to try anyway, because there's nothing to do but desperately raise your shields against the falling of the axe, even when it's doomed to strike again
#dsmp#c!quackity#c!technoblade#dsmp meta#butcher's army#idk man#i just... i think about it a lot#quackity's rising paranoia and defensive nature against technoblade's “treat others as they treat you” philosophy#really does make for such a perfect “doomed by the narrative” storyline#because there really was no other way this could end#and isn't that sad#i'm still dsmp posting in 2024? more likely than you think
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morning toddheads
#look he did have fun#he liked it#*walter white voice* he liked it. he was good at it#you know what i do think he loved her a little bit too#final scene is so sad#everything faaaaalllllsss apaaaart#i guess when i say i don't think sweenett is love#i do think they love each other in their ways#but the lie about lucy is so enormous#so central#to have lucy still alive and badly needing help#and have nellie continuously hide that from a man who is GRIEVING HIS WIFE#and trying to avenge her#it bothers me a lot#so i think the betrayal at her lying to him is multifold#it's not just you LIED to me#it's YOU lied to me#i thought you were on my side#all our confidences and tender moments had this lie beneath it#who are you#even#idk. i'm writing my fanfic and im in my feelings#their relatinoship is so complicated#what is love anyway#WHAT IS IS LOVE#baby don't throw me in the oven#in the oven#anymore#text post meme#sweenett
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I wish dating Sim games/otome games or whatever were gender neutral or you got the ability to choose your pronouns like in The Arcana :( I know gay guys who play dating sims is a small demographic but please please pleasepleaseplease just let me pick my pronouns so I can immerse myself in the Anime Men Romance Simulator without feeling dysphoric 🥲
#idk man#maybe this is just a me thing#but all of the queer friendly sims are locked behind insane paywalls#is it sad and pathetic? maybe#fr I love shit like Love in Deepspace and Tokyo Debunker but it's always a female MC#maybe it bothers me so much specifically bc I'm trans?#I actually think queer otome type games would be a lucrative untapped market#and it wouldn't have to be strictly gay!!#The Arcana isn’t strictly gay bc you choose your own pronouns#and while not a dating sim BG3 has a romance plot/mechanic and obv that isn't strictly gay either#I'm ranting lol sorry 😞#anyway#like to charge#reblog to cast#tokyo debunker#the arcane game#love in deepspace
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The Fool (notoriously in love with Fitz):
FitzChivalry Farseer (notorious heterosexual):
#realm of the elderlings#fitzchivalry farseer#the fool#fitz and the fool#realm of the quarantine#robin hobb#rote#fool’s quest#i just. 🤦♀️#first of all 'lord golden had been a handsome man' like........ it's so suspicious#that you're not even like oh no my childhood friend no longer looks like himself#you're specifically grieving the loss of the beauty of a character he played who you didn’t even like#like why are you singling lord golden out specifically rather than Fool or Beloved??#and why his handsomeness and not just like his health or vibrancy#idk bestie if my friend was disfigured obviously i would be devastated for them but i wouldnt be like#damn they were so gorgeous and sexy and this is a loss for me personally#like you would just be sad that they no longer look like your friend right?#I'm explaining this terribly cos I just woke up but anyway. gay jail.#also let's be real 'handsome' is such a radical understatement for how enraptured fitz was by lord golden's beauty lol 💀
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louis' expression when daniel starts talking about proposing to his first wife. I Feel like he knows. and what he knows i don't know. But his expression there. his jaw tightens. almost swallows. What the fuck
#and he could just be feeling daniel's sadness or be tripped out with the random tidbit. idk man#i'm not entirely convinced armand is alice#but i DO think he HAS to have conflated the two and paris specifically#james.txt
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Anyone else just not feeling like a real person much lately?
#'lately' he says#as if he's not been feeling this way for the last 28 years#idk man#maybe it's bc I'm getting older and so are the people i hang/chat with#but it feels like everyone else has a real life and real interests and experiences and things to say#and I'm some kind of hollow scarecrow person just full of memory loss and sadness#i feel very stupid and very boring#which i know is too harsh. and i know i should be kinder to myself bc life and covid and shit can't have helped the brain situation#and i should absolutely believe my friends when they say they wanna hang with me bc it's mean not to take them at their word#but I'm still like... why though?#genuinely what's the appeal of being around me. my head is empty i have nothing to add and I'm not interesting or that funny#it's been creeping up on me. this feeling like i just genuinely have nothing to offer.#i don't even know who i am#except for a person who like. lives vicariously through fictional characters experiencing feelings I've never had cause to feel#i can relate to emotions SO vividly except i myself haven't even felt the half of them#i just sort of quietly exist somewhere on the spectrum between content and discontent#with occasional drops into the despair zone#and even if the stuff i think is keeping me here went away tomorrow. like if mum stopped being an issue and i was free#like... what would i even do?#i don't even know how to want something#anyway. this has been morning mental breakdowns with newt#I'm going to go make some made up guys live the life i haven't now#mr. bees speaks#negative
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“You know, if you break up with Sveta, meet a gorgeous girl and break Sveta’s heart again, I’m obligated to throw you into the center of the Atlantic Ocean.”
....What does this mean Vicky? He's not allowed to date anyone pretty ever again???
#wormblr#parahumans#ward lb#I'm just missing something right?#I get that she's trying to be a good friend after Weld put her in a shitty situation#but this feels insane#I'm sad they aren't working out#but it's also sort of a valid plotline to exlpore idk#glad this was spoiled for me so I wasn't blindsided and upset by it#I also only read more because I was waiting in line alone for a long time and this was the only thing I thought my phone could handle#I really should just give up on it#but man I want to see the terrible bits people are talking about#I just wish the bad (funny and ridiculous) parts weren't behind all the bad (really boring) parts or the bad (annoying) parts
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It's not easy being a villian's fan, lemme tell ya 😔😔
#in a way gege subverted our expectations again?? yay? idk i liked the chapter but i dont know if Yuuji still UNDERSTANDS Sukuna#because for all that yap to work you actually need to know a thing or two about the other person yknow? and not just forcing your own#philosophy on the other person without understanding their life experiences i guess#but the hatred between them is so real lol#but also yuuji's “leave fushiguro and come back to me then I'll spare your life” you're telling this to a man who doesn't give af whether#he lives or dies as long as he gets a good fight also Also!! WHY would he want to be trapped in a vessel like that again??THINK Yuuji THINK#I'm also a bit sad because i think this is the start of Sukuna's conclusion phase siiighh ina way i hate that 😣😣#sukuna#yuuji#itadori#ryomen#jjk 265#jjk leaks#manga#jujutsu kaisen#being a sukuna fan ain't easy 😔 but somebody's gotta do it#ryomen sukuna
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Long Post about Savage Opress because I am Normal
Savage Opress, you are everything.
You are at your strongest when you are fighting to protect the people you love. You had to participate in a battle royale and subjected yourself to a fate worse than death in order to protect your brother. You were forced to kill the brother you fought so hard to protect, your last words to him as he begged for his life were 'You make (me) weak'.
You are Frankenstein's monster, a kinslayer. You just have to live with that. Your mistress isn't giving you a choice in the matter.
You were placed under the control of a cruel master/mistress twice in the span of like a week. You were forced to betray your master and (under your mistress's orders) you killed two jedi, making you an enemy of the two most powerful entities in the galaxy. You made these enemies against your own will. You were lightning spammed and abused to the point that you were able to break free of your mistress's control.
You are then attacked by these two random jedi you have never met. They seem intent on bringing you in. They stand besides each other and fight to protect each other. You are reminded of how you did the same for your own brother. You killed that brother.
You run to the only home you've ever known, the same home that treated you as lesser-than and transformed you into what you are now. Your home is destroyed, all of your sisters are dead. You are upset by this. They were the cause of your suffering, but they were still kin.
You are told that you have a remaining brother, one who can make you strong enough to protect yourself. You decide to travel across the galaxy to find him. You killed your last brother, you will do anything for this one.
You seem to create trouble everywhere you are now. You are now incapable of solving problems without violence, so violence is what you become. You become hatred. You had love once, but everything that you loved is dead. Except for your remaining brother. You do whatever you must to find him.
You find your brother. Your brother is delirious and half-dead, but he is your brother and you found him. You can fix this. Your brother sees you too, or at least he sometimes does. You are a reflection of him, of what he was meant to be. You are strong and powerful. Your brother is not anymore, but he will be soon.
Your mother, the same woman who took you and warped you into a monster (that is what everybody calls you now), fixes your brother. Your brother grabs your face and twists it, painfully examining your every pore. You don't begrudge him this. You have done the same to it. Your face isn't yours, but it is the only face you have.
Your brother screams for vengeance against Kenobi, he must have revenge. You must stand by your brother, he is all that is left. You embark on a quest of vengeance against a man you only briefly met.
You become everything your brother needs you to be. You are his protector, his sword, his second-in-command. You have love again and you will do anything to keep it this time.
Your brother is a terrible person. Your brother will massacre a village for the sake of getting Kenobi's attention. Your living brother is nothing like the one you killed. You aren't sure this is a good thing.
Your brother lures Kenobi to the village and you both capture him. Your mistress shows up and immediately sets about belittling you. You are the monster she and your mother created. You are not her thrall anymore, you can fight her now. You do exactly that.
Your mistress and Kenobi retreat, your brother chooses to bide his time. You will wait with him.
Your brother and you infiltrate a ship, finding a fortune of credits. You are happy with this, you have never seen this much money in your life. Your brother's only fortune is the downfall of Kenobi.
Your brother calls you apprentice, decides that is what your relationship is now. You don't see the need for dominance, you are brothers after all. Your brother disagrees and you will subject yourself to this for your brother's sake. You are a reflection of him, of all his past flaws. You are devoted to those you love and able to feel things other than vindictive glee or hatred. Your brother is not anymore, he might never be again.
You think your brother is incapable of love. You love him all the same.
You and your brother next run into Kenobi with another Jedi Master. You do not know her name nor anything about her. You kill her, goring her with your (far larger than they should be) horns and running her through with your lightsaber. Your master is not forcing your hand this time, you can finally choose to make an enemy of the Jedi. You would have been their enemy either way, but the false choice is comforting regardless.
You and your brother corner Kenobi. You think for a moment that you have gotten the upper-hand, then Kenobi cuts your arm off. Your body leaks green magic. Your mother's magic still holds power over you even after everything. You wish it didn't.
Your brother shoves Kenobi away from you and decides to retreat. You aren't sure if this is a sign of affection towards you or if this is a strategic move. Your brother speaks as if it's the latter. You see no reason to believe otherwise.
You manage to escape, but are left adrift in space. You are freezing and slowly running out of oxygen. Your home was warm and full of breatheable air. You are alone with only a brother who calls you 'apprentice' for company. Your home was filled with brothers who called you by your name or by 'brother'. You are alive. Your home and brothers are dead.
You next wake up in an unfamiliar place. You smash all the equipment around you. You are now incapable of solving problems without violence, so violence is what you have become. Your brother informs you that his plans have changed, and now you two will be working with Deathwatch. You have no idea what Deathwatch is or who your brother just made a deal with. You will follow him regardless.
You stand up and hit your head on the lamp above you. You were supposed to be shorter than you are now. Your body is wrong. You look in the mirror and you are not yourself. Your body isn't yours, but it is the only body you have.
Your brother takes over Mandalore. You watch as your brother marches Kenobi into the throne room and prepares to execute the Duchess of this planet.
Kenobi offers sympathy. Kenobi recognizes that your brother never had a choice in joining the dark side. Kenobi had gone to your village and seen what it is like for the nightbrothers. Kenobi, despite everything, is trying to be kind.
You hear your story in Kenobi's words. You never had a choice in any of this. You never stood a chance. Your body isn't yours, your mind has been warped and twisted into serving the goals of another. You only wanted to protect your brother.
Your brother kills the love of Kenobi's life. Your brother has stripped himself and you of any possible chance to take the olive branch Kenobi was extending. You ask if you should kill Kenobi now. You know that stewing in grief and guilt can be a terrible fate. Your brother decides to keep him imprisoned. Your brother is counting on the Kenobi stewing in his grief and guilt. Your brother wants to drag out his suffering for as long as possible.
Your brother is in charge for less than a rotation. Your brother panics and bows before a withered old man, calling him 'master'. Your brother lies and fawns to his master. Your brother's master does not care.
You have never met this man before. You have no reason to fight him. Your brother is terrified of him. Your brother grovels before nobody, but he bows before this man. You don't have to do this.
Your brother needs you. You draw your weapon.
You manage to get a hit in on your brother's master. You are one of very few in the galaxy who can say that. You are at your strongest when you are fighting to protect the people you love.
You are stabbed in both your hearts. Your efforts to protect your brother, your pain and suffering, your love and affection, you, Savage Opress, you don't matter. You didn't know it, but you were fighting the most powerful being in the galaxy.
You never had a choice. You never stood a chance.
You die thinking you were unworthy of your brother. Your brother never said or did anything to make you think otherwise. You die calling yourself apprentice, that is the relationship your brother wanted. Your brother holds your hand as you die, it is trembling. You aren't sure if it is from grief or hatred. You decide it must be the latter. Your brother is only capable of hatred.
You knew your brother was incapable of love. You loved him all the same.
You don't know that you might have been the only thing your brother cared about besides his vengeance. You don't know that when you are unconcious he calls you by your name, he calls you brother. You don't know that he nearly killed the Death Watch soldiers, but stopped when they threatened you. You couldn't know. Your brother never told you.
You don't know that he uses his grief as fuel for his duel with Sidious. You don't know that he switches his ire away from Kenobi and decides that his former master is a more pressing target of his hatred You don't know that he spends the rest of his days trying to find a new apprentice to fill the hole you left and that it never works. You will never know. You are dead.
You died realizing you were nothing like your brother. You never were. Your body shrinks down, you finally look like yourself again. You can't be happy about this. You can't take relief in the fact that all the magic which ruined your life has been dispelled. You can't feel anything. You are dead.
You are right. You are nothing like Darth Maul. Your brother is motivated by hatred, you are motivated by love. Your brother will die having found peace, you died having found nothing but pain and grief and yet more pain.
You are my favorite magical girl and you have suffered so much more than Jesus.
#star wars the clone wars#Savage Opress#darth maul#obi wan kenobi#star wars#the clone wars#hey guys I think I have a new special interest#this is very bad. I have enough.#Savage isn't even my favorite Star Wars character. and I have THIS MUCH TO TALK ABOUT IN ONE POST#He IS my favorite character who doesn't make it out of Clone Wars. He is a CW only character and I am sad about that#When I heard that Maul was supposed to hallucinate him in Twins Suns but it was cut for time...AGONY#I get it but AGONY#But fr Savage is actually the most tragic character to me specifically.#this is obviously a lot of extrapolation from the stuff we're given in canon/my interpretation of it#but Savage is never allowed to emotionally react to things or even think about what's happened to him sooo#and Ventress never really explains how nightsister shit works either soooo idk I'm doing my best here#I haven't even touched on the fact that the transformation seems to have fucked with his intellect as well#his body isn't his and neither is his fucking mind. oh my god this man#he is a disability metaphor to me <3#you'd think I'm in love with this man the way I talk about him but I'm literally not into him at all I'm a fucking lesbian#I just think he's neat and also really sad and also jfc WHY AREN'T MORE PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT THIS MAN????#I will also never be over Obi-Wan trying to empathize with Maul as Maul is about to kill Satine. He is so fucking cool actually#And I will never not yell at the screen about how Savage would have been a good Jedi but he never got the FUCKING CHANCE#I'll stop now
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