#idk im having a lot of emotions about this lol??
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aghhh. i was gonna respond earlier but i got tired. i’m still tired now but!!
you’re exactly right with the point that with the way connor’s autistic traits are written throughout the musical and book, they often get over looked. especially because it’s not the really common stereotype. not for men, nor for women. and a lot of connor’s traits are negative. top of my head, as im thinking of the scene i described previously… that IS a melt down. or! how connor is shown to be very impulsive. impulsivity is not commonly known as a symptom, and yet it still is.
both allistic and a handful of autistic people tend to ignore ugly and borderline harmful traits because it doesn’t make us look good… but the fact of the matter is that…? it’s a DISORDER (autism spectrum DISORDER). it’s not supposed to be all ‘i act a little shy and fixate on things’; we have a disorder, it’s not fun and games. and it sucks to see this ignored in characters who are very much autistic but don’t have the “nice looking” traits.
there is so… SO much i could write on about connor and the fact the fandom doesn’t seem to even take a glance at the fact that he could be autistic. because they believe autistic people are shy, nervous, and fixated on things. and while they can be that, autistic people can also be incredibly emotional, prone to anger for that reason, impulsive, etc.
i’m sick of the stereotype that… we as autistic people, are… shy and pure for some reason? and that we can’t be anything besides that??
and that’s a reason so many characters get shoved to the side because of the want for people to see autism not as what it is.
autism isn’t good. autism isn’t bad either. it’s just there, it’s a disorder.
i’m probably making the same points over but… who cares.
i feel like people find it harder to like. i don’t want to use the word infantilize, but that’s literally the correct word so… infantilize connor because he is shown as very pugnacious and somewhat truculent, and with that comes people viewing him as aggressive and assertive which aren’t traits many people take pity on.
this is also why i argue peopld attach onto the fake connor fandom wise, and in the show, because he’s shown to be willing, cooperative, and amiable… which is not who he was at the slightest.
people are able to infantilize connor, just not the actual character which… i am glad for but also? not because they miss the whole point of the show but that’s besides it.
and people baby evan like crazy and it pisses me off too. people act like evan… either did nothing wrong? or like…? idk it pisses me off when people try and characterize him as just a shy guy who’s would never do anything wrong in his life. random kind of too, but the characterization of evan being really short pisses me off because it adds to the infantilization. it’s?? like evan is canonically taller than connor (by book standard). why are we acting like he’s 4 foot tall? so we can infantilize him more? no thank you!
good lord. sorry about the rant!
it’s just that i’m talk about it because connor has always been a character that has stuck with me because i feel myself so represented by him. maybe it’s because of the autism, or maybe it’s because of the situation i’ve been in for awhile, but it might be the pattern of thinking he has which parallels mine (neurodivergent thinking huh). the way the book is written is immaculate in the way it writes from connor’s perspective, and it really highlights some (or at least mine lol) neurodivergent brains and how they process and view things.
aghhh again sorry. i like chatting about stuff i like
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you ever think about the in-universe online world of dc? the youtube essays must be insane
#batmans real plot armour is how not a single random 27 year old youtuber discovered his identity yet#i mean. except tim but he was 9 and doesnt count bc i dont think tim would be a ytber. sue me. kill me. im stronger than you.#thinking about how gotham itself is struggles moving along w the times w how dependent it is on its exaggerated portrayal of class and crim#and mafia#the mafia isnt nearly as prevalent today as it used to be#i dont like placing my batman delusions after the 90s. maybe like early 2000s max. limited media and tech just flavours it better i guess.#different society than nowadays. one that generally fits better with batman themes i find and i also find more interesting to explore#idk im having a lot of emotions about this lol??#i have a lot more but i struggle putting them into words
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im so glad im not the only person that looks at seungmin and goes "❓tism❓" bc he is Way Too Relatable to me as a person w autism
yeah..... like I say it in jest but also..... well, yk. sometimes you notice something and you notice something and you notice something and you go Hmmmm
#enby-peep#lol its funny for me personally bc i see a lot of stuff that reminds me of my cousins daughter........ and shes autistic#but everyone in our family constantly and my cousin especially is like Shes you. You are her. Youre so alike.#So you were autistic and that explains your childhood#and i was like Um. I dont know :) i dont know........ i refused it and then i went to the psych for my adhd#he was like 🤨 can you fill out these sheets... and it was to see if i was hitting the markers#and i was hitting them. I was hitting them out the park but i also knew exactly what to answer... not to hear it#so i just answered it... incorrectly to myself. anyway that was 3 yrs ago and i still go ???? why did you lie ??? wtf#so. maybe my seungmin commentary is sometimes a commentary on myself also#but its the same reason being sent to therapy as a teenager didnt work on me bc i knew exactly what to say to be#told what i wanted to hear- youre a mature smart young woman- youre good. id just lie to hear that even if it wasnt actually helpful#and i succeeded. Im a great actress. i didnt want help i wanted to be perceived as normal and i was for a minute. incorrectly.#and probably negatively maybe if i didnt lie i'd be different now but I did and I did it again 3 yrs ago but..... I think ive finally left#idk. my weird obsession with being 'normal' behind- i dont follow the script as much as i did before and im much more honest about how i am#this is an insane set of tags LMAO#so sorry#i dont talk about this stuff often and its An Anniversary today i accidentally used this ask as an emotional dumping ground#some people have journals (seungmin) i have tags on a tumblr post#peace and love on planet earth
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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what do you think a non-binary person being out the closet and using they/them pronouns is other than transitioning like are you actually braindead? 😭 no offence but this is a show that got cancelled over a cis lesbian wedding episode so i don’t think Cartoon Network was gonna let Rebecca Sugar show Shep shooting up estrogen or whatever lol.
like there are absolutely conversations to be had about how the trans representation in this cartoon (and other similar shows like it, like Adventure Time or The Owl House) are super minor & are only ever confirmed through characters using they/them pronouns rather than any other exploration of transition but like. again i think it’s pretty obvious why they aren’t showing characters taking hormone replacement therapy in USamerican children’s cartoon Steven Universe even though i personally would love that.
idk about “Rebecca Sugar leaning on her being afab” like sorry non-binary people are allowed to still identify as WLW and that isn’t like…. “using their assigned gender” to be transmisogynistic. you are shadowboxing a Not Real Problem. it’s not like they’re actively utilising their assignment to speak over trans women; they are just a person who belongs to a (significantly) more privileged background than you or i. but that’s it lol.
like again i would actually love to have conversations about how almost all the trans people making queer narratives in children’s shows were assigned female at birth and are thus obviously TME because this is of course an incredible privilege and i can’t imagine Disney having treated, say, Alex Hirsch well if he had come out as transfeminine — the truth is we don’t know because the cartoon industry is so hostile to transfeminine creators that there aren’t very many people coming out as transfem in that industry. but you aren’t doing that. youre limply defending the fact that you misgendered a non-binary person by saying it isn’t even a big deal because they’re TME and bisexual.
there are legitimate problems with the “oooo im a non-binary woman ooooooo” shit in Steven Universe but you’re not effectively criticising that. youre whinging that a person drew a character and you personally decided that they were too masculine to count as transfem.
like i am really sympathetic to the meat of a lot of your concerns & criticisms here but. this is a children’s cartoon that was essentially cancelled for being queer. i think it is frankly phenomenal that they got Indya Moore to play a non-binary character in Steven Universe even though yeah im absolutely disappointed in how minor a character they were and how they were used as like the Emotional Support Tranny like there are legitimately really insidious tropes at play irt some of the trans characters in SU (and basically all children’s cartoons with trans characters rn) but saying that Shep has a “massive square jaw” and “masc haircut” and “broad shoulders” isn’t even true like. compare them to Jasper (oestinsibly supposed to be a cis woman)
like idk Shep just looks like a lot of (many many!!!!) black transfem non-binary people. if you think that shoulder length hair in a backwards cap, swears & a crop top is masculine just because they’re a black TMA person then idk what to tell you other than you are transmisogynistic and racist. Shep’s design is lovely
lmao okay well i looked up rebecca sugar's gender and she's tme as hell and leans hard on being AFAB to call herself ~WLW~ so im sorry i thought she was cis but she's still on thin fucking ice. sorry i think theyfabs portraying the ONLY transfem in their show as having a massive square jaw, flat chest, thin hips, masc haircut, broad shoulders, and being tall as fuck is sus and gross. personally i think if a theyfab wants to represent "butch genderfuck transfems" or what the fuck ever they should at least have the respect to portray them as transitioning, or at least write one who's transitioning if they insist on writing one who isn't. we have literal entrenched community problems with theyfabs being like "oohh nooo, dont grow tits or get surgery, women can be manly masc males toooooooo, dont change anything about your manly-sorry i mean WOmanly-body." if she was a trans woman and drew that same character it'd be different although i still think itd be internalized transmisogyny if that was still the ONLY transfem character in the project.
you are a tar pit
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Come back home when you have some sense
You can throw your life away just not at my expense
You’re not the son I raised
#jhariah#this one just rawrrfrrr#and then uh another line thats like ‘tell me did you raise a man?’#nice#im just listening to the new album to cope with nasty sickness and feeling out of it#god this album is really good it has every emotion in there like this song for example just the part where they scream the chorus its like#hnnnghhh#hm some other moments from the album im liking a lot uhhh i love re: concerns a lot#the part where hes like reading off the complaints and then the part where hes just screaming and its like BAM BAM BAM BAAAM#sasuke is so good and the bit at the end where its like ‘i just want you to know im so so...’#like hes gonna say sorry but cant seem to say the word for whatever reason and i know nothing about sasuke#but i has to imagine the fan girlies are eating gravel over that one lol it gets me#and theres just that like spooky echoing afterwards#the intro to fire4fun goes SOOOOOOOO hard i was losing my shit its awesome#the entirety of trust ceremony is giving me big feelings but specifically that part towards the end where its all quiet and you hear#its like whistling i think? like a marching band is coming in maybe#but it also kinda sounds like nature too and idk i like got a little bit um magical at that part cuz i was driving down a big hill#and it had been raining but there was a clearing in the clouds and the sun was bright and like at this particular hill#you can just see everything like the land stretches for miles theres trees hills the river farms all that shit#and idk with the extreme stress and depression ive been feeling its hard to have these moments where life seems worth it#and its hard to really feel anything anymore or to feel in the moment but idk i was just going down that hill seeing everything and it was#very majestic so yeah that song is definitely gonna have the same effect as pin eye for me#which i must mention pin eye again its still OOOOGHH very good it came at a pretty good time for me#yeah basically this album is uhhhh whats keeping me somewhat grounded rn i recommend 👍
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had quite the night drive earlier this evening.
#just me rambling again#web weaving#(?)#uh. one of my friends who is out of town for college was visiting and i got to see him and our friends and the only core member of that#group of people missing was my ex girlfriend who you may also know of as my wonderful wife#who has I assume been very busy with their own life things but has also barely and very sparsely had any hint of communication with any of#us within the past few months which I've been realizing very recently sort of hurts my feelings because we used to be so close and#they had been saying that they would be constantly making sure we still were in each other's lives. but then very quickly have#seemingly dropped off the face of the earth#anyways. I was driving aforementioned friend who is in town back home (family home not college obv) and when i was finally going back#towards my house afterwards my Google maps finally lead me to an area that i was more familiar with driving and i got to an#intersection and it was telling me to take a right to go home but i knew that i knew the way perfectly from that intersection to my#ex girlfriend / best friend / wifes familys house from all of the times I've gone that direction through the past years and so#i turned off my directions and i took a left towards their house#not super sure why but my brain and body just knew it was something i needed to do and so i went and drove down their street and cried#a lot the whole time and then drove myself home from their house once again following a super familiar path#and idk im still feeling very emotional about it. the fact that halloween by noah kahan was the first song to play on Spotify#after i made that left turn im sure didnt help (knowing that i miss them so much and am going to be leaving this area myself#soon enough here and there's been an open offer for a while now that they are welcome to follow and live with me once they get their degree#(and also um. halloween is next week lol)#idk i just havent felt the full force of how badly i miss having them in my life until tonight. when i was around this person i could feel#our souls singing in harmony. i genuinely cannot describe the feelings of our relationship in words i feel like only vaguely abstract art#could communicate the connection that was forged between us and the level of understanding and knowing#something not dissimilar to looking into the sun directly or trying to describe a vivid color to someone who is completely blind#something about the way the entire universe breathes in unison and everything around us are all pieces of the same stars#sigh#i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot /ref
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idg bullies bc if you think someone is committing some sort of social sin... why aren't u stepping in to help them, why are you watching them fuck up? clearly its important enough to you that you try to socially punish the fellow, if this is a social cause you are so very impassioned about, why not help that person not fuck up?
or... did you just want to laugh at someone fucking up? bc at that point you're providing nothing to anyone besides just being an asshole but hey ig some people are proud of their assholes so
#to me its just an unnecessary energy#like i have shit to do i have chores to go home and get to why are you wasting both of our time being an ass#what is this doing for anyone besides fueling your narcissism#cool bud happy for you and your fleeting superiority complex as soon as i leave the room#i wonder how you make yourself feel like you're better than everyone when im not around- oh yeah its bc you go online#and spread your disease-like assholery elsewhere so then everyone becomes an asshole and no ones happy#no one can be sincere... everything hidden under a million layers of irony... stuffing every last emotion down bc emotions are cringe#or whatever...#idk. i dont like the artificiality of every social interaction these days. i feel like the only genuine ppl i meet are like. old ladies lol#everyones always got some sort of scheme or some shit... older ladies only care about talking about tea n knitting n shit#you think an old lady has any reason to be shitting on anyone? when shes probably living her best lil humble life?#theyre old they dont have the energy or time to hate anymore all they wanna see are things to love and hey i think everyone should#try to see the world that way. they know they dont got a lot of time left so they're more appreciative and nicer (usually)#you never know when you'll run out of time so why not start appreciating now?#why spread hate when you can be love. cheesy but its true
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i want to put link in isat. im sure hed do fine. the heros spirit endures
#my post#i was gonna say like. 'probably not the worst thing the heros spirit has endured.' but actually#man. idk. ppl like to say majoras mask is super dark. i think bc ur constantly faced with tragedy in a very direct way#zelda is usually slightly less in your face abt that stuff. mm crosses the line for that juust enough for it to be Particularly Notable#loz generally isnt afraid to address the Horrors. or at least acknowledge them#i dont mean this in a 'mm is darkest zelda' or whatever kind of way. (see jacob gellers video 'every zelda is the dsrkest zelda')#i mean it as like. mm is just louder about it#yknow. but is mm is speaking loudly then. if u put isat next to loz then it would drown mm out quite easily#in large part bc the story is just told differently#the characters are much more expressive in every way. bc the story is being told through expression#whereas loz tells stories specifically via player action#if that makes sense?#loz focuses on the journey. isat focuses on how the journey feels#not to mention links permanent 😶. which definitely influences this#honestly link as a general character (tho especially botw link) is very similar to siffrin. im not gonna try to put that into words rn but#maybe another time#anyways. if isat were told more like a zelda game i think it would be along mm and botw#i say those 2 specifically bc time loop and death and loss. lol#if the reverse were true. if loz ganes were told more like isat. then god dude i dunno#i might go through the plots of each and measure out how much i think the bitch(link) is Going Through It sometime#not rn. but sometime#initial gut thoughts tho. i think probably oot sksw la andd. possibly ww. wojld have similar emotional impact#sksw especially. have you seen his face when he sees zelda in the crystal thing. god#id say botw too but tbh. i kind of think its emotional impact is best as is.#it leaves itself a lot of room to breathe. you can rlly like. think abt it.#man these tags are off topic from the original post. eh its my post who care
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my father telling me how scared he was when i ran away from the house but i cant express how scared i was 2 b in the house
hey, whats up w/that?
#whenever we ‘hang out’ he likes 2 make the topic as depressing as possible by always talking abiut the past#& it is the most annoying shit ever i will not lie BC I DONT WANT 2 TALK ABOUT DEATH & THE ABUSE EVERY TIME I SPEAK 2 U#yk? thag makes sense in my head#anyways he started talking abiut how terrified he was when i had ran away multiple times a couple yrs ago & when i say a couple i mean#i have no idea how long ago bc memory is a bitch#but it had 2 b like middle school - sophmore?#multiple times & like i just wanna shake him bc LITERLLY WHAT & WHO DO U THINK I WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM#GODDAMNN I H8 BING THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS HOUSE WHO CAN EXPRESS EMOTIONS & NOT LET THEM EFFECT HOW I VIEW THE OTHER#‘oh u ran in the park u ran in the park’ i didnt run in the fuckinggppaaarrkrkkkk AAAAAAAAAA I MET A NICE LADY WHO HAD A GOAT IN THE#SPARTMENTS I FRIECIENTED OFTEN WHEN I WAS YOUNGER#i cant express how safe the goddamn goat lady & her kid made me feel vs my parents who started hunting 4 me#like ive been dragged home so many times im not going through that shit again#i miss the goat the mom & the kid we were just chilling @ like midnight 4 a bit#did this turn in2 a vent? idk#i do this a lot ill prolly delete this soonish when im kore calm#bc rn i want 2 chuck bricks in my laundry machine & watch them fly out & hit whatever#im going back 2 watching anime if i have 2 talk 2 1 other person i will actually explode#like irl person not online the silly gay ppl in my phone r super cool & amazing & i love them#im srry 4 bing a dick btw#i cant explain it i mean i could but i cant im just my brain is telling me eveyr1 h8s me & MAN i h8 it when it does#so im just frightened & by golly & am i havign a cheery time yipyipyip#typing in tags is sm easier than in a post bc i dont think most ppl read tags lol#the more i think about my past the more i wonder wtf am i doing here#bc how did i even get out of the house in the 1st place & then ontop of that was able 2 hide#like what……#bc they were fucking grabbing me n shit & they have CARS like i didnt go in the park i walked the sidewalks HOW DID I MOT GET CAUGHT??#MULTIPLE TIMES??? LIKE I ‘ran away’ MULTIPLE TIMES#i didnt exactly run away tho bc i didnt want them 2 file police shit i didnt eant 2 deal w/that & also hirt the pll i stayed over w/#so i always went back. obviously blehhh#ug hj hhhh my heads hurting again this is like the 4th day in a row :((
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today was SO ASS
#work was exhausting and overwhelming and I FUCKED UP ONE OF MY NAILS. FUCK ME#also i had the awesome idea of lurking twitter and i see a bunch of people hating on joost saying he's a dick and nor a good person like ??#i know it's only a small part of the fandom and its on me too for opening twt but man......#tbf ive never really considered myself part of the fandom bc this is the only place where i actively post about him#and i only have a handful of joost moots but still ive thought about distancing myself from it ngl#cause like. being a joost fan is so exhausting sometimes like theres ALWAYS something going on#and like. idk i love joost and his music a lot and i admire him so much and i really dont wanna let other people ruin that for me#and i know i shouldn't but yeah. its hard ://#the good thing abt joostblr is everyone's just chill here but still in general theres so much negativity and hate#like its hard to not let it ruin the experience of being a fan...and im ngl sometimes i think yk i love joost but maybe im in too deep#bc it messes with my mental and emotional well-being#which is SO FUCKING STUPID I KNOW bc its not that deep like. im just here to enjoy the man and his music but somehow i got too invested lol#anyway im going off on a tangent rn and im probably not even making sense ive just been having a lot of thoughts and i needed to vent#also i edited this post 500 times bc the tags kept getting messed up and theres still a typo but i aint going back to fix that#raquel speaks
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youtube
this video makes me want to sob and throw up and scream and cry and collapse onto the floor
#actually like sobbing through it this is going to kill me genuinely#god ive not cried these kind of tears in a while LOL#i cry a lot but not whete it makes my chest hurt like this#everyone should watch Get Back. best docu ever made actually :)#but no theres smth about getting a beatles song in the year 2023#like its not smth i ever imagined but now that it exists its like wow. its truly over. its a fucking solid conclusion and it hurts so badly#im going to rip up my pillow the emotional pain this is bringing me is actually heart wrenching#my one brother one time was like the Beatles are so mid and overrated and i wanted to leap up and strangle him across the table#THEYRE LIFE CHANGING OKAY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#idk its just so much my childhood :/#and this song is ripping my heart out </3#and hearing them talk about this being the last beatles track ever. like yeah i KNOW but god fuck ouch#the way they talk about george and john im going to bang my head into a wall#mayne i shoulf rewatch get back and have a mental breakdown#i told my friend about that docu when it came out and hes like wow that sounds incredibly boring#how dare you how fucking dare you. 8 hours of content????? fucking...great#but no seriously to listen to this song released now and it sounds exactly like their original work. im gonna throw up i feel so ill#never recovering from this actually 😊#catie.rambling.txt#Youtube
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How did you know you were gay?
ah, couple reasons i guess. some that only became obvious with like 15 years of hindsight, and only after pulling myself out of the deep dark pit of compulsory heterosexuality.
like. classic symptoms of lesbianism include shamefully staring at the floor when you pass the women's underwear racks in the department store, even though you're not quite sure why you're uncomfortable. that sort of thing.
i have memories from early elementary school of accidentally glimpsing down a girl's shirt at recess and then bottling up that feeling and refusing to think about it. any time i had a crush on a boy, it was from an extremely idealized and safely non-actionable distance. the one time i did have a boyfriend, it was just my guy best friend from middle school, we dated for barely a school year before i ended it and the most physical intimacy i was ever comfortable with was holding his hand when we walked to class. i went to a different school's prom because a guy i was kind-of friends with asked me, and spent the whole night uncomfortably avoiding eye contact.
basically i started questioning my sexuality towards the end of high school, when i noticed myself getting like. jealous about my guy best friend's girlfriends?? like. i wanted to date them. i wanted to steal them from him lmao. i thought girls were pretty and soft and nice and cute and i was too afraid of being a predatory creep to do anything about it besides have far-fetched daydreams, but there was no heterosexual explanation. like, i hugged a girl i thought was pretty one time and it did things to my brain. that memory got locked in for life.
i identified as ace/pan early on, but again- compulsory heterosexuality. the idea of being with a guy romantically or sexually was never actually appealing. i had just been told that was what i was supposed to want my entire life, and the movies do a great job of selling that fantasy. but really i was just a lonely depressed helpless romantic teenager that wanted to be loved lol.
a large part of why i identified as asexual was because i was so sex-repulsed by the idea of penetration, honestly? (which i have since gotten over, but specifically Only with girls. the idea of having sex with a man still icks me out, and my preference is definitely femme-presenting ppl) a bit of it was probably also because i hadn't unpacked gender yet either. it made it very difficult to actually imagine myself having sex with anyone ever lol. this is gonna sound so cringe to say, but reading gay smut did awaken things in me.
in conclusion, tldr, i just like to think about tits and kissing women sometimes, idk. thanks for coming to my tedtalk.
#my paranoia is making me think anon is my mom or smth lmao#say something my mom would never fucking say. *gun.png* prove ur not my mom!!!! prove it motherfucker!!!!#if ur questioning ur sexuality my advice is just to explore#look at lots of different porn. try to figure out what attracts you and why#a lot of my kinks are actually divorced from gender tbh#at the height of my teenage repression i was actually reading gay voltron smut nightly#and in total denial like 'this doesn't mean anything about me. im so cis. i would know if i was trans.'#as if i didn't think the exact same shit about being gay. 'i would totally know if i was gay. i don't think about having sex with women'#because i didn't *let* myself think about having sex with women lmao#because i didn't *let* myself think about being trans- because it wasn't *safe* to be trans at the time#and figuring out the difference between 'do i want to look like this person or am i attracted to the way they look' is very tricky#and figuring out that you don't actually genuinely feel any of these implanted emotions about the opposite sex is hard too#sometimes it takes a while its okay#like looking back on my childhood fictional character crushes- it was always the women! i liked the way women looked!!#but i had been TOLD that i was a girl and so thought i HAD to be that and fall in love with a man#idk does any of this make sense lol#im a little sleep-deprived atm#i've been up a solid 24 hours#anonymous#ask#god the way i broke up with that boyfriend was so bad too oughhhhh#i've wondered a few times if i should shoot him a facebook message like 'hey sorry i dumped u like that and then we never talked again.'#'it turned out that i was neither a girl nor heterosexual. so. hope ur doin good!'
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this is genuinely... so funny to me. like the hilarity of copypasting rational tweets. i'm literally right. it's not even a funny copypasta because it's literally just. objectively correct. it's a criticism of twitter culture and that makes it funny to you because...... god forbid you actually have empathy for other people. caring is for losers if you're on twitter dot com, you have to be snarky and funny at all times.
#moots & friends keep sending me shit and im just like. lmfao this is embarrassing for YOU guys. i stand by everything ive said actually.#i'm sorry you think trying to have a genuine conversation about harmful behaviours is cringe#you consider yourself an activist and will retweet every fucking post abt current events#but you can't actually be bothered to make a positive change in your own life.........#the fact that most of them stop responding after they realize im not going to freak out and give them something emotional is very telling#it's not even like most of them disagree they literally just want to make fun of me for...... caring. like ok. weird hill to die on idk#im at the point where im considering privating my tweets just so i dont continue to get ppl responding but#i think its important that ppl can see my responses. because i stand by them and clearly other ppl do too#theres been a lot of mixed responses but a lot of people have actually ended up agreeing with me after some back and forth#which i appreciate. i didnt want to start fuckin. twitter drama. but like. ill take it#i dont interact with sunnyblr at all so i think this is a good opportunity to potentially change at least a few ppls perspectives#and if youre too far gone to the point where you think that someone caring about perpetuating homophobic rhetoric is funny#i. dont really want to interact with you anyway lol. get better soon xoxo#last post about this on here im. putting this to rest.#ada speaks#genuinely disgusting how many of these ppl will say shit like. ppl are dying. like... yeah. what are YOU doing to help.#retweeting a donation link or someones random carrd doesnt do shit actually. performative armchair activism.#same ppl tweeting vapid shit while acting like theyre above engaging with me on this#i was venting about people qrting glenns old tweets with stupid shit because it was clogging my tl actually lol
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#VENT IN TAGS#OH i love doing this#my feelings about my depression atm feel so weeird#im just mad#like its so annoying to have to keep picking myself back up lol#i wish i could just function and regulate myself better? im really bad at it#its like#i can do all this shit that helps me get out of all of the different this affect me#but its so easy for me to get lost in the depression and to not do that#like i forget that when im like literally just confused with my emotions and in a fog and i dont want to do things im interested in#and not able to fight this boredom i call it ive been out of therapy a long time idk therapy speak anymore but this lack of socal wtv#thing idk ANYWAYS but i KNOW things i can do to help myself to get out of that#i havent been lately and idk#im in a moment of clarity but trying to get back into#a routine since moving out i havent had one or the one ive had is like not good for me leading me to a bad state of self#i need to get back on vitamins and shit i might take gaba and htp 5 again and i know im deficient in like vitamin#b12 and vitamin d and magnesium but since i moved i havent reupped my supply lmao and its been over a year!! RIP i did this but#i dont have a great social life? i have strong family and a loving bf and close friend but a lot of its complicated and i struggle#communicating online (LOL THIS SUCKS NO? I CAN WORK ON IT IG BUT LIKEAAAA--) and i basically only wanna talk to people IRL but im home#constantly so i just have no one to talk to but im like a fucking old person annoyed that they live in a digital world#like I HATE THIS GRR THESE KIDS and the these kids are my parents and friends and shit like its completely a me issue but my brain is like#my brain feels useless s#my brain feels useless and like im unmedicated but also not on the suppliments i should be on and also doing things like#being up to date on news and specifically negative news and like focusing a lot of my energy on that for some gd reason like im aware ive#been into that but i am like#this is me being like ok rose im ready to go back to myself again#ye
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typical late night miseries but literally so sick of feeling like this always
#like iv been feeling this way in some way throughought this week and i thought i had stopped but i kinda havent lol#and ik its stupid but just idk. im just always in my stupid feelings abt the idea that like ohh i always care abt other ppl then they do me#and like !! the thing is ik it tht that isnt true or at least not laways true and i do have people who really do fully care about me#and like. that really means a lot to me like so so mucch but idk sometimes it just like#i feel like the way that i care abt other people is so like intense in a lot of ways and like idk.#its just such a big thing for me and i feel like i put so much of my heart into it and like sometimes ill find myslef getting so intensely#emotional about it to the point of crying and almost feeling sad and writing stupid bad poetry and it just feels like the huge#vulnerable thing for me so often and i just feel like it rly isnt for anyone else or at least not for the people ik abt me#and like the thing is i dont even want them to feel that way bc ik they do really care about me sm as is#but yk like. idk on a selfish level tht means theres a feeling that its all one sided which really really doesnt help at all with it#to the point were i do sometimes wish tht others cared abt me the same amnt/way bc then i wldnt be alone in such intense feelings#and then i wldnt feel like im the only one not worth caring abt tht way but idk ik im selfish thinking that#its not even fully that i want other people to care more its that i want me to care less#but i just. fucking cant and i just really hate it sometimes and im sick of feeling miserable over such stupid things#and now im acting like annoying and obnoxious. whatever#its 4am im going to go to bed now. goodnight <3#flappy rambles
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