#idk im also just stressed cause i have to put my work availability in this weekend and i dont know my plans

[loverboybitch]

does anyone want to hear about a dumb problem im having?.//.

[sugakookie127]

Hey guys, so im back and i honestly regret giving the 3d so much power over me, this cycle… its so tiring so i WILL change. Ive said this before but i mean it! I will start my change by listening to adambja’s desired reality tape and their instant manifesting abilities tape! I’ll share my honest response to it everyday and while i listen, i’ll also be changing myself to be my desired self. I will stop giving my ego any attention and just dwell in the blissful feeling of my desires already being mine. I think my problem is that i think TOO damn much! Like… TOO MUCH. I keep asking myself questions like,” how do you know if this is working”,” i dont feel relaxed or fulfilled enough so am i doing something wrong?”, “what am i missing?”, “how have i been manifesting on a day to day basis and why is it hard now?”, etc etc. ive been asking myself too much questions and not understanding anything or “forgetting” what i learned about loa BECAUSE of my self doubt which has made me decide to overconsume. I feel like now that i think about it, ive been deciding a LOT of things. I’ve been deciding to continue to believe the 3d is real, decided to continuosly doubt myself, decided to stress myself out, decided to overconsume and everything. So now im going to decide that this is me putting my foot down because im tired of the self doubt, self hate, insecurity and mood swings CAUSED by these “insecurities”. I wouldnt be feeling this way at all if i were my desired self. So while i decide to listen to the adambja tapes i’ve mentioned, im also going to follow a “routine” but i won’t treat it as something that i HAVE TO DO like homework because manifestation is about having fun as the creator or the “buyer” in your reality. It’s not necessarily a process but it’s like walking into a store where EVERYTHING u want is available for u at no cost and all you have to do is take something and then it’s yours now. It belongs to u and you are now that person WITH that desire. Idk, it’s like i DO know how to manifest but i cant feel that “acceptance” feeling when i imagine myself with it.. y’know? ( i better after all that damn overconsumption) So im going to meditate while i listen to the tapes and when i go to sleep, i’m going to think affirmations like,” i love ending my day in my perfect room looking this effortlessly beautiful while going to bed”. Im going to vaunt and do things the way my desired self would and if that means im going to post everyday and be like her, then so be it. Expect my success story this week because i decide that i’m not a failure. I decide that i no longer want to see the 3d as the truth cus it’s no fun😛 also expect a daily review on adambja’s tapes 😗 i decide that i’m not ugly no more cus girl TUH. What hater would really have the nerve to call me that💀 im too fine and they know it. I feel like i fall in love with myself all over again anytime i think of myself but it’s impossible NOT to because i’m just that kind of person. Im too lovely and irresistible to NOT fall in love with. Yea i DO have $995 and i will win the contest i made with my bestie cus my paycheck bouta be $695 lol WHY? CUS I SAID SO. Subconscience i know you’re listening bookie, my love, i already have my desires no matter what, ok? PERIODT

K bye yall💚💚💚

[bubsub69]

Entry 2

14/05/2023 22:47

Well might as well start all entries with how my sleep schedule is, i had an afternoon nap so i might not sleep enough tonight but better than being up at 4am because i tried going to sleep at like 11pm and it went horribly wrong.

Reason for writing today? well while before looking at cute couple stuff like hugging and cuddling would make me cry now a porn video that wasnt even my first time watching made me cry because the couple seemed really happy and having a good time even though the girl was probably laughing cause she ruined the dudes orgasm on his face (video: https://www.redgifs.com/watch/quaintelderlyvireo#rel=tag%3Aruined-orgasm%2Cchastity%2Ca;order=trending)

I guess i should start with yesterday, with the blessing of the folders/briefcases whatever, it was as bad as expected so at least not worse than expectations, a very late start as a lot of people expected followed by a walk a queue to sit down, a small sermon and then speeches from each course. The worst part honestly might have just been the sun, it was blazing hot and i think i got sick from it, my nose was extremely fucked last night and still kinda is. After that we went to have lunch at a crisp 3pm and the food arrived at like 4, thank god my body has a high hunger resistance or i mightve killed someone, i spent a lot of time at the restaurant but at least i got to be with my cousin so it was actually pleasant, at the end we went to the lake garden to take some pictures for some reason and then went home (the for some reason comes from the fact we already had like 40 photos on the camera alone and went to take more).

idk why i wanted to write down what happened yesterday this was supposed to be more about emotions than story but oh well who can stop an autist from rambling.

But going to aforementioned (wow that was the word whos spelling i really had to look up, why am i spellchecking a personal diary? cause fuck you i want to, anyway another autistic rambling aside) emotions, those ribbons made me feel kinda weird when i reread them cause everyone was saying congrats on the hard work and for beating this challenge but i feel like its undeserved cause its not like i put a huge amount of effort studying, i barely passed some stuff which is definetly something im not proud of but yeah i feel like i slacked off most of the year even though ive never missed classes or failed to deliver a project, i guess im just associated with the studying part of school instead of this which is better honestly, even if i get stressed like now where i have a shit ton of stuff to do and am over procastinating as usual, but yeah, a lot of good jobs for a meh performance feels kinda weird.

But enough about school heres an update on D, today is sunday which matches the same day as the day of the call so how was her availability? well she gave me a maybe and then said that apparently her visa is expiring and shes super stressed out, well that seems like something way too complex for an excuse/lie so i believe her more but yeah her moving again is definetely going to make her busy again so i guess no calls for me.

Really feeling like a piece of shit that thats all the care i can muster for it, shes like about to get formally deported and im out here complaining shes too busy for me, and the worst is i decided to get a keyholder on chaster just to satisfy me, it feels like cheating i dont know why, we had some mild texting and a call and ive already like fallen in love and feel like a traitor, but i guess im tired of waiting and it might be for the best to move on if she just wants to stay an acquaintance (well new record for biggest spelling blunder), but yeah i feel like im giving up too soon cause i really liked her and just moving on feels really bad but what can i do when she doesnt show any interest, i mean not only does she not text back she also hasnt asked anything about me, which i guess is kinda fair for most boring person in the world whos hobbies are gaming and youtube, yippy, i guess ill wait again, this time im gonna do a week of no texting to see if she ever sends me something, she will be busy with the moving so she probably wont but oh well whatcha gonna do, not like shed say yes to a call in these circumstances either, i still wish i could help her but i dont think i can just ask dad if he has a contact with the visa man to hurry her process, but i did imagine that cenario

I guess switching to a different type of emotion to put some variety in this yesterday i fucked up the gamepads usb port out of anger but i think i tricked my parents by saying i saved the computer from falling, and on other hardware problem news theres a screw that i think broke the plastic around it so know the case keeps disconnecting from the rest. This was a shitty story but at least its not all about being sad and lonely

Well a bit of a blunder of an ending but oh well heres entry two, if the lady i messaged to be my keyholder replies the update will be here:

[myheartbeatskids]

So Declan loved me and we talked about science and lab babies and clones and all that. So He told me he loved me because i was the first person to really really listen and understand as opposed to being the one to teach.

And so he had understood what he was taught then developed and built upon it correctly with help from his own brain and God. And del Muerte whom helped me understand as well cause that shit was mind blowing.

So he asked me to have his soul mate. To give birth to her.

And I was pretty much dragged out and Declan ran the show after that.

I agreed but it was more like a thing where i had to focus and talk instead of fainting.

So Matt actually helped to implant because I have an upturned uterious and so things like that are painful because of the rigidity and non flexible as i need materials used while Jeremiah comforted and helped me relax.

So then essentially i was kidnapped.

Declan is part clone and part Neanderthal.

Annabelle is part clone and part Neanderthal.

So some of us from Michael Jackson's boarding school --- although I wasn't i stayed there alot on my own. So i was part of it, unofficially as i am a civilian doing military shit now. --- have clones in a laboratory. But they are miniature human size as they are kept in barbie size containers.

Since Declan was a clone Jesse gave permission to make, they said i should use a clone.

It took 5 eggs until Declan approved the child that would be created in the embryo. Del Muerte communicated to us what God said.

Most males get their soul mates at age 7. Declan was only 2 years old. So God hadnt had enough experience to program or create his perfect soulmate.

So it just so happened it was 2 years of plus 5 embryos which makes the year 7 while added together.

So when Annabelle was born Declan came to get me and her but my now ex-husband got me all fucked up and i had amnesia and all that and i remember the power struggle type issues while signing the birth certificate which is why i get child support as my ex swore bla bla bla and signed papers to those statements but I was all "Dude while he's signing let's run!" Because he pissed me off during that time and i was all no hes wrong and all... But I guess I was scared of him or his aura csused me confusion or Idk. I remember feeling sick.

So craziness. We are 16 years late. And unfortunately yet fortunately a lot of research was done and i have a lot of government apology money coming my way. Which i don't have yet.... But soon.

This is Cambria AvaLynn named after Alexis Dejoria.

Because Matt's parents were into hiding, they named him after a mat. A common object so in case of ESP feom the people they hid from they would think "welcome mat" like welcome to travel with us son named Matt. Welcome to eat at the dining table, Matt. Well, come, Matt.

So came or come because i would always want to see Matt so I would say "You came!!!" When i saw him and hug him and he would say "welcome"

And Bria after me.

Turning the x into a v (for Victory) and Lynn as in the 80s most of my friends on the military base i lived on has Lynn as their middle names. So to remind me she is a friend.

She's my child that was ectopic due to the sponges Jamie & Doug Otis found and reminded us of. But we went to the hospital because i began to hemmoragge and they were able to save her and her twin.

Then my mom killed her and he died naturally as he was in ICU TO experiment on them being raised/healed as premies temporarily as one within an incubator and the other skin to skin contact. As woman need to be comforted more, we picked Ava to bring home.

They were the first experiment with soul mates being born as twins. Both clones of my and Jeremiah and his being Ava and my being the male Andrew.

Andrew after Jesse... "And he drew" cause he was always drawing beautifully.

And the other clones were of Jesse James and Alexis.

Alexis got kidnapped by her dad and so the story goes... I did too Eventually

Jeremiah's dad helped us as the grandparent in house.

This is Declan.

He told Jeremiah "I'm not the one sitting around waiting with a pouted lip waiting for someone to do it for me. Now i found the woman and go get my kid!!"

Dude WTF I'm not having someones kid... I'm only 21!!

"Now im the man around the house and what I say goes!!! And you are going to have my kid!!"

Dude whatever. So i did dream into the lab with them but... I thought we were just playing and so i agreed and so next thing i knew there was a frozen child ready to be implanted. Thus my ability to be kidnapped so easily...

Cause when a kid is all telling you about clones and labs and shit... And you're hearing voices... that shit is insane. Literally.

So i didn't take it seriously enough.

But Declan is only 19 Now. And my kid is 16.

So it's old enough to have a romantic relationship. To avoid issues i had as a child with social services.

The plan was to have them grow up as friends but also believed it may been too dangerous....

Yet I still don't agree that it was.

However for the last 10 year's I have been working daily for my amnesia to be solved and also saving the world (of NHRA especially) at the same time.

And have earned multiple Nobel Peace Prizes which i have yet to receive.

So working on law enforcement and the military and government, about to break into the public school system and tear that up ;) as a civilian has earned me billions of dollars i have yet to receive....

But i have given away as i can and have bought businesses that I want.

As proof that the government does care about all its people's hopes and dreams they have bought them on my behalf and am gsining bank! And i shop st my own businesses too... Ironically! I been shopping at Loves for nearly a year... went into Speedway a few times now i drive an extra 5 miles just to shop there because i like it more!!

Robert, the shift manager finally told me tonight as I bought all the GIANTS for my Giant 6'7" man. And i turned the ones in Valencia County to Speedway in honor of Aaron and Paul (twins) who wanted to show the dangers of meth and the meth community as they honored me with my idea of how to end Breaking Bad with the movie reel of El Camino (the mother road) of the manner of the psychological reality of life gone wrong.

I freak Robert out... He was worried when he saw me there that I was to audit like a monster, fire everyone and work the cash register and store myself.

So tonight he saw I bought milkshakes (not available at Love's) figured it out and gave me a pack of smokes for free and blurted out why.

So i took all the giants as i always do and fucked them all up and made them better.

So i own them till i make my money back on the businesses and then they get given to who I intended it for... As I do double check they will always be worthy... If not i keep them for me because I was being good snd honest and fair the whole time.

So 360° K i own.

So i only compete with Love's whom I always promised the King's Highway to... You know him... As an old time Western Thug bitch ass womanizer player. Motorcycle Guru. Hot Rod extraordinaire. Texas loving son of a gun. Jesse James Smith! Just kidding... Just regular old ole fogie mad scientist Jesse Gregory Smith. Of West Coast Choppers. Which i own and always have as i put up the money for his business intending to always be in his life and helping him. So my apology... The only one i can ever give as i can't predict the future without help is Love. And he loves everyone and won't let Google tell.

I bought every gas station in the country as we will be switching to electric and hydro electric and non fuel and solar and hybrid autos by 2030. So the previous owners have a nice retirement and no stress. As the storage oil facilities that were shot in Saudia Arabia were actually empty. I own them.

Fossil fuels are actually the blood of dinosaurs and other dead bodies that are converted and broken down and dehydrated by plant life...

I found that out by the eternal bushes burning.. I mean growing... here on the mountain. Tumble weeds otherwise known as thyme. And we found via satellite tons of skeletons by Earth xrays under the bushes and some not as they are closer to the Earth surface. I found a wooly mammoth knuckle bone.

We moved here in 2002 and there was a patch of earth that looked like concrete by the mail boxes and we just drove over them assuming that's what it was.

They were mummified wooly mammoths. Now broken up and scattered all over the desert road.

I would not like my blood which could potentially bring me back to life wasted on a car... For someone to get to a job they hate. So no more. Not from the USA anyways.

One night I was at dinner and i said Obama needs to handle thwt South Dakota pipeline. My dad was all what is he supposed to do? All simple solutions were crap and had an argument. I said "then lie! Tell the American people they are scum! Tell them we opened the pipeline up and the pipes broke and destroyed the precious land that needs to be protected." My dad laughed and i felt kinda stupid for being so angry.

But Uncle Donald heard my point and so thats exactly what he did. Fake news? Its real.

Because he saw the change I made in the NHRA with some lies that laid very close to the truth.

You don't need to believe in reincarnation for it to happen. I didn't until about 6 months ago. But my mom's mom and my great aunt my grandma's sister ... Granny Bessie Heltons 2 daughters did. My grandma explained it to me one night when I was 18 as i had asked my Great Aunt Nita i was closer to but she didn't explain she just said "because i do" And the dictionary explaination i already knew. But my grandma traveled with me like y'all know i do And showed me.

We started in Heaven with only having one human life and having the soul figure of a human that we select. Hers was a teenage body, absolutely beautiful. With her old ass mind and experience. I told her what I wanted was to be a child. A dirty raggedy haired barefoot blonde without a care in the world, feeling smarter than I feel now... Because that is when i was happiest. When i saw i could end pain and suffering with death, when i knew life could escape heart ache, even when evil exist.

And so now on her second cat life with me, as her first caused her kidnapping by the same drug induced psycho piece of shit that arrested and molested Jesse James dog, Coco and her untimely death as I did record in Tumblr. "Sister Kitty" was kidnapped by him, hes in a special jail. He just had his pinkie finger nail and big toe nail removed as he did kidnap Mogar and slice his face and slice Kizzys leg. So in order to understand what he did he agreed to similar punishment as he did to our precious cargo...

Cargo my bitches!

Jesse: No! I only ask!

Me: who do i have to convince?

Jesse: Idk Jeremiah?

Me: Ava who is your dad?

Ava: Idk I guess not Jeremiah?? IDK!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL!? you all always told me they are both my dad's. Let me ask God. Oh! Jesse! ..... And Jeremiah

Me: your dad is your dad and dad he will always be no matter shine or high water, love will always be there for you and for me. Alexis, do you know that one?

She nods all teary..

Jesse: well did i get loves?!

Me: uhh yes ass hole! We always love you back. What do you want with a gas station with no gas? That's like having a family with out us, most especially me!

Jesse: well it got gas now!!!

Me: well gas up at your local, bring a truck. I got a lot of stuff.

Declan: you hear her? Most especially me! Me! Well, me too, you better pick me up.

Me: Jesse... You ready for Orlando?? I got a Chase bank account with the Princess Castle on the debit card... Just needs a little cash in the account.

Jesse: You Mean You Will Pay!!!

Me: i see that was not a question so that does not deserve a response. But yes. I am suppose to have a wire transfer per last night's discussions that will pay for it.

Jesse: WHOA SHIT!

Me: Jeremiah you down?

Jeremiah: to pay Miss Giant Owner?

Me: uhh I'm Miss Speedyway now. No.. Carry me through times square after some Disney World Fun!

Jeremiah: FUCK YES!! uhh yes thank you for inviting me. I will go

Matt Hagan: look look at this. Im the best friend i even got her kid named after me

Me: Matt Hagan... Looks like you're invited, The Best Friend. In or out of Disney World for the hotel.

Matt: IN!!

Me: youre definitely going you know how to do it right! Pops... You gonna stay home alone with your woman?

Pops: not if i don't have to

M3: you don't

Pops: shit! Oh yeah!

Chuck: what about Cookie!!

Me: you and bring Your comrades I need to talk to

Chuckie: oh Cookies going!

Me: I didn't know he could do the Conga.

Jesse: yes you did!

Me: no wonder it looked familiar.

[fairycosmos]

+ i have a job interview tomorrow and i just cant go. its a rlly good job but i just cant. idk why. maybe its my anxiety or me sabotaging myself again. i know my mom will think im a failure. but i just want to keep studying. i want to keep trying. it just feels more important. i want to want be alive before anything else. do you think im lazy?? iknow you'll never anwser this but should i go anway? is it awful that i never had a job? i just feel like a bum. idk sorry for putting this on u.

hey. no, i dont think you’re lazy at all. quite the opposite. i admire you a lot for caring so much about your studies, for wanting to make something of yourself and for continuing to try your best even though you’re going through such a difficult time at the moment. that’s a lot easier said than done, and yet you’re still managing it, which is really fucking cool. you should be proud. and listen, i’m 18 as well, and i’ve never had a job either. it’s super, super common. it’s not like it’s easy to get a job these days, especially while you’re still studying. and just cause you’re older now doesn’t mean you’re singularly responsible for the financial situation of your family. it’s not just down to you to make money, and that’s not your sole purpose in life. also, you’re definitely accomplishing more than i am, seriously. i know the world kind of pushes the idea that you’re only worth something if you’re constantly being used, if you’re constantly providing money or results or good grades. but that’s genuinely not true. it takes years and years to come to terms with the fact that it’s not true, but it’s not. honestly, how ‘well’ you perform from a capitalistic standpoint doesn’t reflect who you are as a person. how you treat others, how you choose to experience life, your interests and your hobbies - those all say more about you than whether or not you have a job. i know you’re not going to believe me, but you being here is good enough. your presence is the most important thing.  it probably feels like i’m lying, and it will for a long time, but if you start letting that idea into your mind, you’ll begin to accept it eventually. 

your parents clearly have fucked up priorities. and i’m sorry. because you deserve so much better than that. having a bad relationship with them will always be shitty, and you’re totally allowed to feel whatever you need to feel about it. anger, sadness, bitterness, fear, guilt. process it all one day at a time. as long as you try to cope with those emotions in a healthy way (letting yourself cry, talking about it, writing about it, practicing self affirmations), then you’re doing fine. but at the same time, there comes a point where you have to realize that your family have no idea what the fuck they’re talking about. they really, really dont. if they only want to acknowledge you when you’re in a top school or when you have a great fucking job, then they dont deserve you at all. they wont even give you a chance to find your balance. seriously. they wont even cut you any slack. you owe them nothing but respect and since they dont respect you, you dont even owe them that. i dont know how else to put it but i cant stress it enough, they’re awful for making you feel so bad for no reason. i know exactly how you feel. and it’s just. like there’s no point in constantly overexerting yourself for the approval of people that are NEVER going to be satisfied. how they feel about you isn’t actually about you. it’s about them, and their own fucked up mindsets. you are not alive to serve them. you are not alive to be exactly who they want you to be, you know? this is YOUR life, not theirs. and it’s the only one you’re ever going to get. so if you have to make a few choices that disappoint them, then so be it. they’ll either get over it or fuck off, and either way you’ll be better off. it’s ok to start making choices for yourself, man. and it may take some time before you work up the courage to do so, but that’s alright too. it’s all a learning process. 

it seems like your anxiety/depression is the real crux of all of this, though. it’s really worrying, what you said in your other ask. my heart dropped reading it. if you dont confront that issue then you wont like it anywhere, because you wont like being yourself. whether you get a great job, or make a shit ton of money, or continue to study. whatever path you take, you’ll only be truly comfortable if you make your mental health a priority. you have to take it seriously. it’s okay to put yourself first, before the people around you, before school and work. because struggling with a mental illness is one of the most difficult things in the world. and you dont have to beg anyone to understand that. are you currently on any medication, or seeing a therapist or some sort of counselor? if you are, is it possible for you to ask for additional support? and if you haven’t spoken to anyone, is than an option for you? even if you just begin by talking to your usual doctor, to see if he/she can refer you to someone? if you’re worried about money, there are low cost/free options, too. it’s just that, suicidal thoughts are not something you just have to ‘put up with.’ and they’re certainly not something you have to deal with alone. others have been exactly where you are, others understand more than you realize. you dont have to hurt yourself outwardly to show that you’re hurting inwardly, alright? if you believe anything i say, believe that. your life is so precious and rare and significant, man. and where you’re at right now truly isn’t where you’re always going to be. you’re not trapped, you have a choice to make. making the conscious effort to seek help, to admit that you need some guidance, will make a massive difference in your perception of everything. if you work closely with a professional, then you’ll be able to create a care plan for yourself, you’ll be able to learn how to incorporate healthy coping mechanisms into your life, you’ll be able to find the root causes of why you feel the way you do. you’ll be able to talk openly about your family, and the way they make you feel, and your worries about the future. all of that will make the pain manageable. there is treatment available. it wont be an instant improvement, but reaching out is a wonderful place to start. your mental health is just as important as your physical health. and of course, there will always be a part of your mind that tries to talk you out of it. there’ll always be that moment of anxiety/fear, when you dont know what you’re doing. but you need to try to look past that, and to have a bit of empathy for your future self. temporary feelings should never stop you from getting the care that you need. so even if you just begin by calling a hotline to see what they think you should do next, then that’s still something to be v proud of.

i know it’s hard. i get it. i understand more than i can put into words. and i know that asking for help is a massive step. i’m not saying you have to make any big decisions right now. i’m just asking you to consider it, consider yourself for once in your life. i know there are days where you feel like living like this isn’t worth it at all. you dont want to live like this anymore, right? and you dont have to, but killing yourself wont solve anything. it’s ok to feel like giving up sometimes. as long as you know the difference between having a thought, and actually acting on it. you dont have to lean into the pain, you can just let it wash over you. your mental illnesses and your family and all of the bullshit is stopping you from seeing how wonderful and worthy you are, how much life still has to offer you. there’s so much you haven’t experienced. there is so much happiness waiting in the future. it won’t be constant, but it’ll become a theme in your life. you have all of the time in the world to figure things out. this is the exact age that you’re supposed to be confused and lost, and to not know what to do. you don’t have to have everything worked out right now. you’re doing so much better than you think you are, i promise. the only thing you have to worry about is taking care of yourself. that’s the only thing that’s truly in your control. you can create a better environment for yourself. you can create a life that you dont want to escape from, and that’s what you truly need. not to die but to re-envision your own existence. it’s healthy to do that from time to time. 

as a sidenote, it’s completely up to you whether or not you go to the job interview. there’s no pressure, there’s no wrong answer. but i just hope you know it’s okay to take things at your own pace, regardless of what your dumb ass family has to say. i think the smartest move for you to make is to put all of your energy into reaching out for help. continue to study, just put it on the back burner for now. continue to look for a job (tho i think smth part time is realistically a better option for you), but dont put all of your self worth into it. more than anything, this is a transitional period in your life. it’s the stepping stone between here and there. uncertainty is to be expected, anxiety is to be expected, but that doesn’t mean you have to handle it all on your own. i believe with all of my heart that you’re going to be okay. you said ‘i want to be alive before anything else.’ you should always hold onto that. you’re so fucking capable, and you’re so much stronger than you realize, dude. i’m not bullshitting. i’m being straight up. keep taking it one day at a time. if that feels like too much, one hour at a time. even getting through one minute at a time is something to celebrate. look at the next 24 hours of your life, and see what you can do in that time to help yourself - fuck everything else. i’m always here if you need a friend, or if you want to talk about this properly. i’m sorry i couldn’t be of more help. if you ever need anyone, hmu. if you think you’re going to do something, hmu. and please stick around. you’re not going to regret it.

http://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

[frosnpls]

cw vent,, doin bad tonite lads

idk if i have PMDD or if it's the SAD or if it's the work stress or if it's the state of this country and the fact that I'm slowly losing hope of both living independently/being able to afford such as well as ever being able to ever begin to transition properly or just whatever the fuck but man im not having a good time

i keep thinking lately about how ive never been able to catch a break and like sometimes i feel like im blowing it out of proportion and that its not fair because i do actually lead a fairly privileged life but also like. i was literally bullied at the age of THREE by my nursery teacher because she mistook the clear signs of my neurodivergence as misbehaviour. i struggled through school because nobody noticed i was neurodivergent and the people who did didnt want to admit it. i developed body dysmorphia by the age of like 8 iirc. i was bullied throughout all of my childhood and struggled so badly because i didnt have any support in place because somehow nobody noticed the very clear signs of adhd and autism. i lost my teenage years to severe bullying which caused permanent trauma and then lost the four years of my life after finishing school to essentially becoming a carer for an abusive suicidal boyfriend and then spent months after his death blaming myself for "not doing enough" when i had literally become a recluse because i was afraid that if i went out he might need me and i wouldnt be available. this year was the first year i think ive ever actually felt Right because i felt like i had myself figured out and i was doing what i wanted and i felt free and i just. i think theres an element of grieving for probably like a good sixteen or so years of my life where i was consistently traumatised by something and had no chance to find myself as a person

i feel consistently selfish for it but i just want someone to see how much im struggling and acknowledge it yknow like. offer some help or take care of me for a bit. i dont understand why but im in this role of a protector and caretaker for others and whilst i want to look after people and i care so so deeply about the people i do look after id also like to be looked after occasionally, you know? like. the day my cat died my partner was there and i got out of bed and my mum gave me the news and i went downstairs and i held her and i went back to my room and got in bed and started crying and. my partner put their arm around me and said he was sorry and i just curled up into them and cried and i genuinely think its the most ive ever felt cared for in at least my working memory

when i was younger sometimes my dad would try to comfort me when i cried and when i tried to explain why i was crying he would say "oh, [deadname]" in this really sympathetic tone and i remember always hoping he would do it when i cried because it made me feel like someone was actually acknowledging how much i was hurting and there came a point where he stopped saying it and idr if it was just because i was getting older and it sounded condescending or if it was at the point where i started hiding from my parents when i was upset because i didnt want them to worry but there was a period of time where i would actually miss that exclamation every time i cried even though i wasnt coming to my dad for comfort

i want to ask for help and seek help and comfort and be vulnerable enough to let people know i need it but also theres people who rely on me and i worry that if i dont seem positive or up to it they might think they cant come to me and i want them to be able to come to me i really do. then also i feel like if i bring my hurt to others all im going to do is upset or inconvenience them and i dont want to do that

im just trapped because i dont want anyone to worry about me but also i kind of do and it makes me feel so selfish like why would anyone ever want people to worry about them but its just in that way that like. iwould maybe just like to be asked if im alright before ive expressed that im not. i would like someone to notice that im quieter than usual or that i dont seem as enthusiastic or upbeat as i do most of the time and ask how im feeling. even that makes me feel selfish though and i hate it because i know realistically that isnt selfish but equally any normal person would just seek out the comfort they need right?? but i cant because if i initiate it then it means im annoying someone or upsetting someone or taking up someone's valuable time

i dont understand how i can be both looking after others, taking time to check on them and make sure theyre alright, give advice and welcome people in if they need me, and then also at the same time feel like the world biggest dickhead if i even dare to think about asking for the same from someone. or refusing to take my own advice. i need a mental health break from work desperately and my partner keeps telling me this as well but i keep refusing because we had 4 staff members off sick this week and if i went off as well it would make things hard for them. i just cant,, prioritise myself

im tired of england and im tired of the world and im tired of having to figure out how im going to manage to exist in the way i want to one day and im tired of feeling selfish for desiring human contact and im tired of waking up before the sun's up and im tired of feeling sad and not understanding why and im just. im just tired

[heyitslapis]

Ok let's see... its been about 3 weeks since i posted last, give or take a few days. And I'll just say its been an interesting and exhausting few weeks.

Still trying to completely get over my dumbf*ck feelings for Alex. I'm not really doing a super great job at that, and still get random depressive moments that last a varying amount of time, but usually i just push my pity party to the side after about 2 minutes.

On the 3rd of June, Alex went up to see part of her family and join them on a cruise to Columbia. She said wont be back until maybe the 3rd or 4th of July at the earliest. I kinda miss her, but I feel like spending a month physically apart from her will do me some good. Her and i still snap back and fourth to save our streak and to day good morning. Whenever she cant find wifi, she turns on her dad's personal hotspot so she can send me at least one snap to keep our streak rolling (we are the longest streak we have with anyone on our snapchats, and it stands currently at 261 days.) The day after she left the streak sorta died for the day, but she was able to save it cause she was in a different time zone.

Since she's been gone, we've hired several new people at work, many if which being new hosts (thank God tbh, cause this means after theyre all done training and get a couple weeks to get used to everything i can train as a server and hopefully make a little more money). One of them is Giovanni's sister (Gio is a guy that works there. Mostly does dish, sometimes hosts.) And apparently she likes me? About a week before she started they came in to eat with their mom and after they left Gio was like "Dude, i think my sister likes you."

Hey, some random girl actually has a crush on me for the first time in my life? That's cool! Right? It would be, if she weren't 17. If i were still 18 or 19, i wouldnt really care. But now that im 20, even though we only have a 2 year and almost 6 month age difference, i still feel like its weird. I feel like im in a whole new age threshold now that ive hit that 2 decade mark, and she just seems to me like a kid. Anyway, Sammy (thats her) is bi with a preference for girls. She's very forward about asking the girls at work about their sexuality (she'll be mid convo and just be like "wait; you straight?") She makes a hobby of flirting with the straight girls, because as she says it, she can easily flirt with straight girls bc she knows she wont have a chance. As soon as she knows theyre bi or gay, she cant even really talk to them. Sammy flirts with me in excess, has asked me 3 times if im straight, or if im sure that i am (homegirl has only been here like two weeks), and the reason why is because she would happily let me break her heart, and has said thats its too bad im not gay bc if i was she would let me crush her. Also has told me that i remind her of her ex girlfriend, and when i said idk if thats supposed to be a compliment or not, she said "well i really liked her, so..." Oh and btw all 3 times shes asked, I've told her im straight (yknow, bc im not out to the irl general public) and I'll just say that having to lie outloud about my sexuality does not feel that great. Thats not something ive ever had to verbally do before, and now i understand. Tbh i dont really lie, or at least i very rarely do, bc i dont like it, and i want to be seen as trustworthy. i have told my share of lies in my day, but i feel like that was in the top 3 worst lies ive ever told. Simply because i know thats not who i am, yet im saying it anyway.

Besides that, in these last couple weeks ive:

Gotten my computer hacked and almost got scamed out of the piddly $120 dollars total that is in my bank account for me to try to live off of until next Fridays paycheck, and almost got my brother's bank account hacked (looong f*ckin story. Short version, im a gotdang fool, and people are absolute bastards), so now i cant use my computer until i get it looked at, which means no art (sucks bc i wanted to draw myself a bi pride icon)

Put in 103 hours at work in the last 2 weeks

Had our only available car break down twice

Got about half of our kitchen painted. Still need to find time to finish it

Purchased tickets for a convention, and bought almost everything i need to finish my cosplay.

Have a sore in the back of my mouth thats been plaguing me for over a week (finally starting to heal. Its been hurting to do so much as talk, much less eat or drink)

Had to deal with everyone's attitudes at work (some sh*ts going on with the moon and everyones been a pissy ass lately, and im so over it)

The pain in the ass girl at work that we've been trying to get rid of for over a year called in and quit 15 minutes before her literal last shift (Father's day) and our proprietary manager told her "its bullshit that you just found out that your other job scheduled you to work today 15 minutes before you had to come here" and "dont try to come back to this store again". Im ecstatic about it tbqh and feel a small sense of victory about the whole thing.

One of my favorite gays from work had his last shift Saturday night and im still sad about it.

It may not seem like much but its just all around every other day something else small happened to add to the weird and crazy smorgasbord that is my life.

Also bless Sammy bc yesterday was Father's Day, and because of that, i was in the building of my work at 9:45am, started working to get set up at 10, opened around 10:50, and didnt stop until about 8:50pm, 10 minutes before we closed. Our proprietary manager bought us tons of pizza and snacks in the middle of our shift so that we could all take turns having a 10 minute breather, but other than that it was non-stop work and dedication to the customer. At 9:50am my brother went to the Duncan Donuts down the road from us to get the handful of morning people either coffee or bagels or whatever they asked for. I told my brother to get me the english muffin with egg and cheese, and if they had the option, to add sausage to it. Also to tell Sammy i said hi (because she works at that Duncan also, and was there yesterday morning). My brother comes back with breakfast, hands me my food and said that Sammy made it especially for me. (At that time i was also in a bad mood bc i was tired from working four open doubles in a row, and was stressed, so that really lifted my spirits a bit. The food, and the thought that someone made it especially for me.) And i'll just say she just earned my love for the next week at least.

Anyway i think thats all for now loves. I dont have a very eventful life, but i sure do have a busy one.

[survivor-mountmerapi]

Ep. 4: “There is no reason for me to extend an olive branch.” - Raffy

Pietro

I CANT BELIEVE ME AND JULIA SURVIVED THIS TRIBAL LMAO. They made a really big mistake cause I have no plans on staying loyal to anyone besides Julia.

I told Dylan before the tribal that Ellie and Raffy were asking me to vote for Steven hoping that an idol would be misplayed on Steven. But sadly, it looks like those 2 didnt have an idol. So I'm pretty sure the idol is between Raffy and Ellie.

Raffy

Tribal Summary: Steven and Dylan started an alliance with Pietro and Julia. I started an alliance with Pietro, Julia, and Ellie. I think I got to Pietro and Julia first with my social charm and that helped solidify them on my side. In fact, Pietro started a trio alliance with Ellie and I really early in the morning. That was the key factor in making Pietro trust me over Dylan and Steven. I spent the day anxiously deciding whether I should use the idol on myself. An hour before tribal, I told Julia about my idol out of panic to get her to trust me over. That trust was rewarded with her telling me that she has an idol. Now, this duo has two idols which should help in a swap scenario and help us dominate the game. 30 minutes before tribal, I got on an alliance call with Julia, Pietro, and Ellie. This really solidified things as we all bonded over our anxiety. I told Dylan I was voting them which prompted Dylan to message Pietro about switching the vote to Ellie. We let Pietro say what he wanted to and we were debating on letting them think the Dylan vote was a ruse so they would misplay an idol on Steven. At tribal, I just do what I did best and just... started something. The moments before the call for idols, I was salivating wondering if I should use it. However, since Dylan told Pietro that they switched it to Ellie, I decided not to. It was the right call as Dylan went home.

James Hayden

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N7irG9mHptg

DeNara

Well Julia from the Winners tribe used the confessional "gotta shoot to score" for voting out Dylan. She basically just wrote her name on that since James and I both automatically knew it was her 🤣

Julia

Alright so last night before tribal Raffy told me he has an idol and honestly that’s kind of wild I can’t believe he told me

Julia

Anyways super happy I survived that round. I’m glad I could solidly trust with that group. I’m hoping we don’t lose again because I genuinely don’t want to vote out Steven. I think if we lose I might want to get Pietro to flip with me to Steven to vote out Ellie who knows

James

It's the morning of day 8 and I done screwed up. As I do ever morning, I went idol hunting. Today, I decided to explore a new route. Well, that route got me a nice nap and Jay telling the tribe that I went idol hunting. I don't think this will screw me too much though. Everyone's looking for idols at this point, so I'm not doing anything the rest aren't doing I just got caught. Also, I think the relationships I've built over the past week are strong enough to get me through this. If people want to know where I've been, then I'll tell them. I think being super honest sometimes can be a good thing in this game. This is one of those times where being super honest could be beneficial. We shall see.

Elle

DYLAN'S GONE THIS IS TRAGIC I'm so shook I thought Raffy was trying to self destruct so I wasn't even really considering the different ways it could go- it really surprised me!! Anyway, feeling good about this round! Me, Nicholas, and DeNara are going to do the story challenge and I think it'll turn out really well! I should probably find a notepad since I'm going first lol 😅

Rachel

I'm so nervous!! I am so proud of our tribe and the work we put in today. We spend such a long time getting the facts right and knowing what to expect. This was definitely a challenging one, but I'm glad it is finally over and glad we all finished with a decent score!  

Julia

The way I’m going to die if we lose tonight because I’m genuinely afraid raffy and Ellie will flip on me

Madi

another chaotic confessional from last night https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wwsMryFNMpmAPa2q0e4__BHv9SYnhCwW/view?usp=drivesdk

Julia

IM GOING TO SCREAM BEHAIZJSJWKSBZNS

James

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-EGa8qKaccE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_adMqcWrKw0

Raffy

Time to be boring. With the alliance "Murder of Crows" (Pietro, Ellie, Julia, and I), this tribal council should be easy. Steven is going to get the boot. There is no reason for me to extend an olive branch and risk my position in the game. Going into a swap, we need to be tribe strong which means we need to get rid of any loose ends. That means Steven just has to go. I wanted to work with Steven this time around, but it seems like things didn't end up working out that way. I hope the newbies are happy for my sacrifice and will go to me if they're able to.

Elle

I... AM SO HAPPY :DDDD 🎉🎉🎉 WE WONNNN the amount of serotonin I received at hearing the news, it was wonderful. This is the most happy emotions in one day I've felt in like... months lol (granted I did dye my hair today and it looks so good ❤️ so it's just a happy day for me ^_^). about the challenge though! DeNara and Nicholas did so well, DeNara crushed those dates✨ and they both remembered basically everything if I had written 97.86% instead of 98.6, written down that Indonese was the official language (which I heard but didnt write down and so I forgot to tell DeNara), and gotten better notes during the myths (that was the hardest part for me for some reason - missed the names and I wrote creator instead of Kraton :((( ) we could've really crushed it. Also I misheard India sanskrit as as Indo- so I thought it was Indonesian sanskrit D: Okay sorry in school I was taught to list my mistakes and the right answers out loud so that I could get it right the next time and so it came out here 😅. I know we won technically but I'm just like this now lol. I'm glad the newbies get a break from tribals ❤️ and woah we haven't lost a challenge yet! Go warriors ^_^ (Oh and P.S. I did a really good job taking notes >:) I'm forcing myself to say that because I don't want to only focus on what I could've done better- I did good mostly! So I shouldn't just focus on what I did wrong lol)

Gian

Well hello! We’re safe. Let’s take a moment to celebrate that. Wig. Literally wig.

DeNara

Yesssss we destroyed that challenge! Woot woot! Another winner bites the dust

DeNara

My strategy of letting other people lead the way has worked well so far. The things that I want to have happen are happening and now I am in an alliance of 4!

Steven

https://youtu.be/YpHmEsTdJ2g

James

It's the morning of day 9. Last night, I formed The Four Musketeers aka The Four with Nick, Elle, DeNara, and myself. I don't care what we call the alliance, I just care that I'm in it. We spent last night trying to figure out if we should work with newbies, in the event of the swap, to knock out the winners. That could be a good move short term, but long term I don't know if that's our best move. Once the winners are gone, then the warriors become the biggest threats. We'll see what happens, but it's something to think about. This morning I went idol hunting and got a 10% disadvantage. I told DeNara exactly where I went and what I got. We've been sharing idol hunt info since Day 1 and I want to continue sharing. Knowledge is power in this game. I also hinted to Nick of where to not look. He wants to share knowledge about the idol hunt and I want to as well. I see sharing that piece of info with him as a way to solidify trust and give me another close ally, in the event a swap splits up DeNara and me. DeNara doesn't know that I hinted to Nick of where to not look. DeNara and I agreed to tell the other musketeers about where to not look if we don't swap at 14. If we do swap, then we'll reveal our info to whomever we up end on a swapped tribe with in order to solidify relationships.

DeNara

I got a 10% disadvantage this morning and so did James, rip the dream. We are not going to tell anyone until we know if there is a swap or not. I am hoping this doesn't mess up my game.

Moth

I’m happy we are not going to tribal but I’m stressed out about my activity, I don’t wanna be targeted for not pulling my weight

Ellie

It sucks to see an easy vote but this early in the game it feels like sending Steven home is the best decision I can make

Gian

Winning the challenge by such a small margin is so scary. Makes me wonder how much of our challenge availability is really worthwhile. Hope the swap is near or something!

Nicholas McQuain

I’m happy we won again and that the winners are going to tribal. I think we are in a good position and hopefully tribe swap doesn’t mess that up. I feel like I’m the only person on my tribe that actually wants the winners to stay in the game

Ginny

We sent the winners to tribal once again this is the best thing ever lol

Pietro

Soooo, I want to flip on Ellie and Raffy lol. In my opinion they are the strongest players of the season and if there is an opportunity to get one of them out I'm all for it! However I feel like one of them have an idol so we must take care on every single thing that we say, cause if it looks suspicious, Raffy is playing an idol ~ cause in my mind he has one.

Anastasia

I'm so happy we won!!! My tribe is really good at comps thankfully so I can sit back and relax. I do know I'm doing the least for my team so I do need to show my team that I can contribute too. If we lose the next immunity challenge I should be really worried.

Julia

Sooooo if everyone is telling me the truth it looks like me and Pietro are flipping it tonight to vote out Ellie. Steven and Pietro kind of wanted to go raffy but genuinely I want raffy to stay more. Idk I’m terrified. I’m worried there might not be a swap but instead there’s going to be a double tribal and in that case we’re fucked if we lose because raffy has an idol but who knows. I’m just hoping tonight goes to plan and if not voting raffy is what causes me to lose this game or fucks me over later on then so be it. High risk high reward baby

Steven

https://youtu.be/N-gAbACXOZ8

[sugaabooga]

lowkey part-timer!Jisung

Pairing: Yoon Jisung x Reader

Genre: Fluff, Christmas-themed, bullet-point scenario

Summary: A Christmas romance sparks between you and the cute, bubbly part-timer in your local grocery store.

Warnings: None

A/N: First story in the Christmas-themed scenarios I’m doing! I’m hoping I’ll be able to finish all of the rest 17 scenarios by Christmas!

Jisung was the cute part-timer at your local grocery store

He’s been working as the cashier in aisle 8 after he’s graduated from uni after he couldn’t find a job that pays decently

He decided to stay in his hometown, after suffering in a totally new city, and got a part-time job as a cashier that paid pretty well

You on the other hand, bought your own studio after moving out of your hometown

Your job as a photographer caused you move out and go to other places rather than your small town that always made you feel caged

You were putting together all your pictures you had taken the past week since you had to put out a new project soon

You decided to take a break and have a quick lunch then walk around to the parts of the city that you hadn’t been able to see yet

When you come out of your studio with all your necessities, you realize that a bunch of people were putting up Christmas decor and trees around their shops

It was Christmas? Already?

You celebrated Christmas, for you were a religious person, but you never got the whole holiday spirit type of thing

You didn’t really enjoy Christmas songs or the cold really

when you came out of your house you had only slipped on a thin cardigan with your camera and everything in your purse

You hated the cold

You had once been locked out of your house one winter and had to wait outside until your parents got back home from work

You were practically frozen when your dad discovered you covering your body with the welcome mat

So yah you had a trauma of the cold

You quickly take some pictures of the snow and all the people getting on ladders to decorate the light posts and rooftops

You smile at your work and skip down the sidewalk to the farther parts of town

You find yourself in front of a market which you had never seen before even when you were driving around when you first came

Maybe it was new?

You went in since you were hungry anyway and they most likely had samples

Meanwhile, Jisung was helping some of the other workers take out boxes and such, since no one was really in the lines

You were eating some of the sample dumplings when you see a chip bag fall

You’re about to pick it up when you feel more chip bags falling on you

You lift up your arms to shield yourself and let out a small shriek

You lose your balance when a heavy box falls on you

“OMG I’M SO SORRY! ARE YOU OKAY!?!? OMG OMG!”

You’re ready to give the guy a piece of your mind

But then all your thoughts are lost bc

Wow

This guy was cute

He was almost pouting while putting the bags back in the box

He noticed that you were standing back up so he quickly got up and bowed to you

“I’m so sorry….I-I didn’t see you there!”

You’re about to tell him it’s okay, but then suddenly a man who seemed like the manager came storming over

“YOON JISUNG!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? JUST BC IT’S ALMOST CHRISTMAS TIME IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD LOSE YOUR WORKING MENTALITY! YO-”

“It’s fine! It was my fault! I suddenly stepped in front of him while he was passing.”

You defend jisung and he’s actually really surprised!?!?

Bc a normal person would be complaining w/the manager

And it would end up w/jisung mopping the floors or something

Yea this wasn’t the first time jisung caused trouble lol

But here you were LYING so he wouldn’t get in trouble

The manager is left speechless bc he kinda looks down on Jisung

So he storms away annoyed

Jisung glances at his furious manager then thanks you

“This isn’t the first time this happened & i prob would’ve gotten fired. thank you so much”

You grin bc omg he was so cute?

His santa hat was about to fall off so you reach over and straighten it up

Making jisungs cheeks turn soo red you thought he was gonna burst

You leave after that whole incident and you come back a week later

You just couldn’t get jisung out of your mind

You were sorta hoping to see him somewhere around the area where you live but no luck:P

So you just decided to go to his workplace yourself

When you entered, you were really shocked bc it was reallyyyyy busy

There were so many more ppl than last time

It was prob bc Christmas was now a week away

And ppl just buy presents last minute ya know

They were also preparing more food for family&friends so yah

You grab a pack of gum and head to the shortest line which was aisle 8

You were looking at your pics that you took earlier and that’s when you hear a familiar voice greet the elderly woman in front of you

You look up w/hope that it was Jisung and boi oh boi yes it was

This time he was wearing a headband w/reindeer ears that were somehow slightly slanted

After he greets the woman in front of you goodbye he turns to you with a smile then it falters when he notices

Wow it’s that really cute girl that defended me from my devil-ish manager

You just politely smile, not knowing if he remembered you since you were irrelevant ya know

But then he totally remembers you bc

“OMG IM SO GLAD TO SEE YOU AGAIN! DO YOU REMEMBER ME? AH~ AGAIN, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAVING ME FROM GETTING FIRED!”

“......uh...no problem?”

He grins and tries to make small talk w/you which is cute aha

Even tho you’re only buying one pack of gum

He somehow takes ten minutes to scan the barcode and charge you ???

I can’t with jisung he’s such a cute, underappreciated bean

You were in the middle of a very intense convo about beavers so you decide to meet him at a nearby coffee shop on Christmas Eve (may or may not be where barista!daniel works but you should go check it out :P shameless self-promo)

Both of you forget to give ea. other your numbers

But hopefully both of you will remember about that date meeting

AND YOU DO

fate really is on your side

You enter the coffee shop at like 6pm bc you weren’t sure if you guys decided the exact time to meet

You guys didn’t lol

But ya know

Fate will bring the two of you together right?

You wait for thirty minutes, but still no Jisung

You’re starting to think that he forgot, but then remembered he had a shift that ends at 9pm

Idk how you knew that but...it works

so you decide to just sit there and sip on some drinks

you take pictures and all

You’re so immersed into taking pictures of everything around the whole shop, that you don’t notice the timid and nervous looking man entering the now, almost empty cafe

You’re frowning at the picture you just took when you feel a tap on your shoulder

You turn around to see Jisung with a sorry, but excited grin on his face

You greet him with a wide smile as he apologizes how he didn’t know what time he had to come

He starts to ramble and you shush him

Like why does this guy say ‘sorry’ so many times?

“It’s fine. We both forgot to say a time to meet up. Besides, I wasn’t here that long”

He seems a tiny bit less sorry so the two of you start the convo about the beavers again

The talk about beavers went to zoos then went to how your lives went then led to your jobs, your interests, your hobbies, what that girl was wearing, blah blah blah

You felt like you really had a connection w/jisung

The two of you, as cliche as it may sound, clicked immediately

It only felt like five minutes passed, but the coffee shop owner had to kick you guys out since it was thirty minutes past closing time

You swap numbers this time and plan to meet each other at the same place tmrw @ 7pm for the annual Christmas tree lighting at downtown

Both of you lived alone and you suggested “why not have the loners meet up on Christmas Day?”

Jisung didn’t have work and you didn’t want to stress about your projects, so the two of you had agreed

As you walk back home you cant help but feel so giddy

How was a man having this much of an effect on you?

BECAUSE YOU HAVE A THING FOR HIMMMM

You smile at all the snow piling up and gape at how beautiful everything seemed

You have never felt so excited for Christmas

The next day comes by SO SLOWLYYYY

You weren’t able to sleep from the anxiousness and expectation you had for the next day so you were sorta tired

But you got dressed in simple clothing and went out for a walk and to buy Jisung a Christmas present

You didn’t know what he liked since you literally starte talking to him a wk ago

So you settle for some Christmas-themed socks, beanie, a pair of house slippers, and a gift card to the coffee shop you had been at yesterday

As you walk in and out of stores, you couldnt help but sing along to the Christmas carols that were playing

which you had never done b4

you did a double take and stopped singing, but you found urself humming along to “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas”

And you also couldn’t help but oogle at all the stuffed animals that filled the walls

They were SO CUTEEE AND FLUFFYYYY

One of the stuffed ducks reminded you a lot of Jisung so you decided to buy it

You bought a lot of things, but they were all for a decent price so :))

It gets really dark really soon and it’s 6pm

ONE MORE HOUR TILL YOU MET JISUNG

You hurry back home and quickly dress in layers since it was going to be collldddd

The weather forecast said there was a 99.99999999% it was going to snow, so you couldn’t risk it

Even tho the weather forecast is always wrong

You pack your camera again bc you were planning to create a Christmas themed project nxt

As you run out the door you send Jisung a txt saying that you’ll be right there since it was five minutes till seven

When you arrive in the warm shop, your glasses immediately fog up causing you to groan

You try to fan the fog away but to no avail:)

Then you hear a big laugh and you turn to sorta make out a figure that looks like Jisung

He takes the end of his sleeve and cleans your glasses and you’re met with the brightest smile you have ever seen in your whole entire life

Maybe that’s when you fell for him

Tho it was a person you had known for a little over a week

You felt like you knew Jisung since you were a kid

He hands you a cup of peppermint hot chocolate and pulls you along to get a good view of the Christmas tree b4 too much ppl come along

You get there just in time and wait a few moments until the announcer comes out onto the podium

You and Jisung both cheer as the five minute countdown starts

The minutes go by so quickly and you jump up and down to keep yourself warm

Then you see a few snowflakes falling on Jisung

You both look up to see that ITS SNOWINGGGGGGG

The whole crowd of people ooh and ahh

And some kids squeal in glee

You softly smile and get out your camera to take a few shots of the falling snow

When you’re done there’s a minute left on the clock

You suddenly remember your present for Jisung and quickly get it out and hand it to him

“Merry Christmas!”

Jisung gasps and says ‘thank you’ in such a genuine way that it fills your heart w/pure happiness

He then shuffles around his backpack and takes out a large box that’s prob filled w/similar things as you gave him

You start to hear the announcer countdown from 10

ten

And that’s when Jisung starts to speak

“H-Hey, Y/N?”

Nine

“Hmm?”

Eight

“I know it’s been only like two weeks since we met”

Seven

But I can tell you’re such a nice person, ever since the day I first saw you”

Six

“You’re such a great person…and….uh”

You furrow your brows

What was he trying to say?

Five

“We have so many things in common than I thought we would”

Four

“I really thought i would get fired that day i dropped the chip bags on you”

You smile at the memories as the crowd gets louder and louder as the time to light the tree get closer

Three

“A-And ever since I saw you....Y/N...I uh”

You roll your eyes at his weird stalling

Two

“JISUNG! SPIT IT OUT!”

He looks at you w/wide eyes

One

“I-I LIKE YOU!”

The crowd erupts in cheers and claps w/kids screaming and laughing at the lights that shown brightly

The announcer shouts “now go home!” with a hearty laugh

Jisung stands in front of you with his hand clamped over his mouth

You stay silent and stare at him in shock

What were you supposed to say?

Sure you liked him, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to date someone you had known for a week

“T-THAT CAME OUT WRONG!”

you tilt your head in confusion

“What?”

“I don’t like you! NO NO I DO LIKE YOU! B-BUT-”

You burst out laughing at his panic

“I like you too, Jisung! But how bout having our first official date after getting to know each other a bit longer than a week?”

And the two of you stand in front of each other w/goofy smiles on your faces, in front of the glimmering, 30ft tall Christmas tree, underneath the moonlight in the gently falling snow

dang this was pretty bad lol

[luminousfinn]

@bodhirookandor I just saw you reblogged my post with that fic idea for a Bodhi/Cassian undercover mission gone wrong fic 

#so i can cry or whatever#suicide cw#death cw#bassian#but like listen Cassian would try everything in his power to die#he would hold out for the first interrogation (maybe even the second and third)#but he knows#he /knows/ that he won't be able to last forever#so he tries everything in his power to kill himself#they end up having to restrain him but Cassian kicks at them#bites them#until one of them decides that he's too dangerous or whatever#idk#but he's doing everything in his power to die#and Bodhi would be racing against time because he knows what Cassian's going to do#and he's trying to find him#he tries to get the resistance to help but they can't#maybe they're in a a place where there is no extraction/they have to extract themselves#and Bodhi's on his own#maybe he finds Cassian#or maybe he doesn't#if he does#would it be before or after cassian is forced to spill secrets for the Empire#(assuming they restrain him so much he can't move)#or would he find him dead?#what if he didn't find him at all#and years go by where Bodhi is just searching because he hasn't given up#won't ever give up#because cassian deserves better dammit and bodhi won't ever give up on him#and holy shit im crying and you haven't even written the damn thing yet

and man your tags killed me. (Because I have to share the pain.)

It’s unlikely I’ll ever write it, I have way too many series and long fics going already, but I had some more thoughts. (Erm, this got longer than expected.=

So the two of them have acquired some information vital to the Rebellion, but their cover have been blown and the have to escape cross country on foot to get to the capital where they’ve left their ship.

Half way there they’re ambushed by an Imperial patrol. They split up while running one step ahead of the patrol, each carrying a copy of the data, to maximize the chance of the information gets to the Alliance.

After Bodhi takes off, Cassian makes a choice. He destroys his set of the data and allows himself to be captured planning on tricking the Imperials into thinking he was the only rebel agent and banking on his suicide back up. He knows that it’ll break Bodhi’s heart if he dies, even more so if he dies this way, but to him the mission, the need of the Alliance, will always come first.

Well Bodhi isn’t quite as far off as Cassian had thought he was and sees that Cassian is captured and knows that he won’t see Cassian alive again. But there’s no chance to save him and with a broken heart he continues to the capital.

When he finally gets there though there’s new all over the place that the Empire not only captured an Alliance agent, but when he tried to kill himself they stopped it, that this will lead into major breakthrough in the fight against the terrorist organization that calls themselves the Alliance. (You know the usual bs propaganda)

Bodhi is both overjoyed at the news - Cassian is still alive! - but also terrified. He knows how much Cassian knows about the Alliance, how much damage it could do to them and that the Empire will stop at nothing to get it out of him. He has to get Cassian out and it has to happen before he’s transported off planet for interrogation. (Btw Kay is there too, he’s the one who’s picked up much of the information about Cassian’s capture and him surviving his suicide attempt.)

In the mean time Cassian is getting increasingly desperate in his captivity. They’re watching him like hawk bats as he’s already tried to kill himself once and nearly succeeded. He first tries going without water, but that’s discovered and the guards make sure he consumes enough water and food that he won’t die.

After that, he gets aggressive. He attacks his captors every chance he gets - he¨s kept in isolation, so no chance of l picking a fight with another prisoner - hoping that when subduing him one of them will land a blow that kills him. But all of it to no avail.

On the outside Bodhi and Kay are scoping out the Imperial compound, trying to find a weakness, an attack vector. Bodhi manages to come up with a plan that might work, only problem is that he needs at least one, preferably two, more sets of hands to pull it off.

He knows he can’t ask Draven. The man won’t expend the resources needed to free an agent from Imperial custody and is more likely to declare Cassian a security risk and have him assassinated in his cell.

[From here my ideas get a bit more sketchy, I haven’t really thought much further so I’m making most of this up as I type. Bear with me.]

Rough outline is that Bodhi runs into Chirrut and Baze.

The two Guardians left the Rebellion soon after Sacrif for reasons I haven’t really settled on, but they did, and the two of them agree to help Bodhi and Kay rescue Cassian.

Queue, the rescue which, while they are successful, they only escape by the skin of their teeth.

Once they’re safely away and Cassian have been patched up, Chirrut and Baze leaves him and Bodhi alone to talk. All Cassian says is, “I’m sorry”.

And he is. He’s sorry that he broke Bodhi’s heart, that he’s caused him so much stress and pain. But he doesn’t apologize, because he can’t. Can’t because he knows, they both know, that given the same situation he’d do it all over again.

Bodhi thought he’d be relieved when Cassian was safely away, but seeing him sitting there on the bandaged and unapologetic, all he can feel is anger. And rather than say something he’ll regret he just turns around and walks out.

After this follows two conversations.

The first is between Cassian and Chirrut. It’s about being committed to something greater than yourself and what that can do to a relationship.

Cassian tells Chirrut that he can’t ask Bodhi to always put himself after the mission in a relationship, that that isn’t fair.to him. Chirrut tells him that that isn’t his choice to make, it’s Bodhi’s. And that whatever Bodhi decides Cassian should respect that, but that if Bodhi decides to stay, then he’s doing so not out of duty, but out of love for the man Cassian is. Commitments and all, and to always remember that. Though Cassian may end up paying a greater price if Bodhi do decide to stay than if he packs up and leaves.

The second is between Bodhi and Baze. This one about loving someone who’s committed to something else and how you deal with that. That it has nothing to do with them not loving you, or not wanting to prioritize you, but in their hearts they heart something and that trying to ignore that would break them, make them less than they could be.

Bodhi tells Baze that he doesn’t want Cassian to compromise himself, to lose that intergal part of who he is, but that he himself isn’t sure if he can live like that even if Baze can. Baze replies that only Bodhi can ever answer that question, bbut no matter what both he and Cassian will pay a price.

Bodhi asks him if there's anything that Baze regrets. “Yes,” Baze says. “That I left him for five years. That is time we’ll never get back.”

That night, while Baze and Chirrut are sound asleep and Kay powered down as well, Bodhi slips into Cassian’s room. He hovers just inside the door until Cassian, who was only dozing and heard him, turns over on the bed to face him.

“Can I sleep here?” Bodhi asks.

Cassian doesn’t answer in words, but scoots back on the bed until he’s up against the bulkhead, giving Bodhi room to slip beneath the covers. It isn’t until Bodhi has settled down, curling up against him that Cassian speaks.

“You can sleep here as often as you want.”

“Then... I think I’ll stay,” Bodhi answers.

@apolloniae Since you were the one who started all of this, I’m tagging you as well.

[celestialallstars]

Episode #3: "Make me look like fucking Doofenshmirtz when I’m trying to be like Maleficent" - Mo

So first off WOOOOO! The vote happened exactly as it was supposed to. I'm hoping that means I'm actually on the pulse of this tribe. I've gradually been getting closer to Jared, and I think he trusts me probably more than I trust him.

Second off, this challenge my god. I hate it, like it's a good challenge but for me... oof. Doing this, it's like I have facial dyslexia or something. Like all of the mouths and eyes start blending together and it just starts to look nuts.

I'm hoping to keep trudging forward, if we somehow pull a win out of this, even better if Cyrena goes to tribal again given it was basically unanimous. Alternatively Orfeo to balance things out. I'm tired though and it's been a long day, so it is now time to sleep.

I’m conflicted because I so badly want to be a bad bitch and create an over the top plan but there’s such a high chance that it will flop and make me look like fucking Doofenshmirtz when I’m trying to be like Maleficent. So I’m going to try to create my own kinda of genius that only applies to me. It sounds stupid but it’ll work. I’m being bold by saying it’ll work cus if I get eliminated I’ll look like a Doofenshmirtz. We’ll see. I’m already making charts to help me see who’s good and who’s not so good at comps. Comparing teammates to eachother and comparing the entire cast to eachother. Wish me luck. (Also I love everyone in this cast.)

So like I have so many mixed feelings about this cast. In terms of talking a lot of them are BORING or LEAVE ME ON READ, and like maybe for some it’s cause I’m not in their tribe but like, some people on my tribe still make me want to hit my head against a rock. So like that’s what I’m feeling.

Also think we’re gonna loose this immunity which I’ve hardly done anything for. So go me.

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Just a small update Mitch and I are chatting so that answers that question

"What's going on?" Well I shall tell you Anna Jane exactly what is going on. I need to get back into therapy that's what.

Apparently everyone is stressed about results and then there is me who does not care cause I want bodhi gone cause he legit doesn't talk to me so meh.

ALSO ALISSA FOUND AN IDOL QUEEEN. so we now have an idol between the 3 of us which could come in handy very much later down the road which we love! I have 100% trust in jack and alyssa now, with mo as my number 3 on this tribe. As much as i love tobi personally (hi tobi reading this post season) but like idk something is still off. he hasn't spoken much game to me at the moment so idk where his head is really at..

god help us its results this challenge was hard woo go cyrena!

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we lost by 1 point. oh my god. 1 point. that makes me wanna cry. dear god let this be a simple vote or i will actually start crying

WHY MUST I ALWAYS BE ON THE SHITTY TRIBE WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY IS THERE SOME SICK SATISFACTION OF ME ALWAYS GOING TO TRIBAL????? FUCK

I am SO pumped! I do feel bad for the people on Cyrena, but where it stands now, them going to tribal I feel is best for my game just relationship-wise for me. Still, I can only hope I am making few bonds over on their end while maintaining the ones I have on my tribe and Tuatha as well. I do really hope Mo at least makes it because he helped me this morning when I was getting bummed about all the winner talk. I'm quite optimistic for right now!

I Wrote Alexis Maxwell But I Erased It

Well we won the challenge (BARELY), a bit annoyed that we submitted before I got another chance to take a crack at the photos. I feel like I could've maybe found 1 or 2 more before we submitted. Granted we'd need to have found either 3 more or beaten Orfeo to the punch if we had wanted the reward.

I think so long as Bodhi doesn't go on Cyrena I'm pretty indifferent about them losing. They're the people I talk to the least relatively. Ideally I'd probably want an Alyssa, or Matt boot, but I have no influence so we'll see what happens.

I'm just trying to be social and relatively unimposing right now. It's Day 8, now's not the time to be doing glaringly bold things.

um so we won wooh but still no 2nd idol im sad i want one. um wanted green tribe to go tribal but blue going again i hope bodhi/jack/alyssa leave cuz they dont talk to me ever um ya thatd be cute or maybe tobi cuz hes a snake but maybe he not a snake this time? my stan list atm is jared > zach = rhys > loris = chloe > everyone else. my unstan list is: sharky jack alyssa mitch <3 um yaa hope i can do sth. chris so good gotta always watch out for him jared asked who i wanted to go to f3 with and i said def not chris and he was like oh i wanted chris in end so like hes def a threat also he likes zach so um that needs to stop real quick.

I think it should be Bodhi or Tobi to go. Am I gonna say anything? Not right now, no. Will I say something later? No clue it depends. But Bodhi isn’t as active as the others and doesn’t participate all that much. Tobi is semi-active but isn’t great at challenges. I remember him being good at challenges so idk if he’s just distracted or not putting that much energy into this. I think a swap is happening after this potentially but if it ain’t it’s still best to vote out the weakest link. It might be me and I might just be super cocky rn but I don’t think it’s me.

hi! yesterday was a monumental day. I tried to mend my social game with those I hadn’t talked much to, which resulted in me having a lengthy conversation with jack, and making me feel a bit more secure in my tribe/in the event of a swap. the people I don’t talk to keep getting voted out which I’m very much a fan of but that’s probably because they were inactive so that trend might not continue :(. also I lied in my last conf I’m now in an alliance with Chris Jared kori and Bryce? I didn’t expect it but i didn’t feel too close with kori so that should help me solidify something there!! :) I’m thriving. don’t call me ANGEL!

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don’t call me ANGEL! (in case of task challenge :p)

So we won the challenge. Again. It’s really nice to be able to just sit back and relax in the game and watch people struggle but I’m really nervous about it because we’re all so kumbaya on the Oreo tribe that I don’t fully know who I can trust just yet. Another piece of tea is the fact that Alyssa has an idol which is great for me because it shows Alyssa trusts me and I can trust her for the time being. However I’m worried about Alyssa because we keep promising each other merge which tells me she won’t want to go to the end with me just yet so I gotta keep her close and we’ll see how much damage we can do but i think I’m thriving bc I actually know where an idol is compared to last time when I had no clue.

so previously on The Adventures of a F*g, i had a small breakdown about the game. i dont know if true, but bryce informed me of an alliance between kori/jared/bryce/loris/chris, and the last two named are super close allies of mine (the closest on my tribe). they like.. didnt tell me shit about it and idk i guess i just feel excluded and it sucks that im in legit 0 (real) alliances. ive been doing good socially i thought and i dont know but i feel like i really sucked.

meanwhile, i sat down with a bag of salt and vinegar lays chips and talked to myself. why was i doing bad? why was i in 0 alliances? why no one like me?

then it hit me... like boom.

i realized that a typical flaw i had this game was caring too much. i pride myself on my ability to read situations (barring paranoia) and i know myself very well. like, i realized that since i was too concerned with doing good and proving myself, i kind of lost the fun of it all and probably come off as fake or forcible to other people. that isn't authentic.

BUT MY EPIPHANY increased even further. how? i dont know!! my brains so fucking big. i just had to be goofy. yes, i want to do good. i really do. but i played once before in this series and got RU pots and 5th. i know i am capable of being a good player and im content with that, and now that im moving into that mindset where this game wont no longer dictate whether im good or bad, im going to start having fun.

i know this isnt about game really but its like... #selfdiscovery

but ya i just wanted to update yalls on that. i won immunity though so im f18 and probs in swap. woo. finna get fucked. anyway, thank u.

and since i want like attention on this post im going to put tags.

#selfdiscovery #justgirlythings #l4l #follow4follow #gay #faggot #0alliances #disney #anime #weeb #lgbt #survivor #bigbrother #celestial

After we won the face morph challenge, it has been pretty slow. I still have a solid group with me Stephen Z and Jared. Kori and Bryce are close, Jared and I are close, Rhys and Jared are close, and Stephen and I are close. Those are the allegiances I know of right now, but things could change. Lucky for the alliance of 5, they all get to stick together. If there is a swap though, I won't hesitate to flip on bryce/rhys/kori if the opportunity presents itself. I am also kind of worried I am not keeping up socially. I have had a busy week, so my availability is limited, but I try to talk to as many people as I can when I am available. If my predicitons are correct, we should expect a swap soon. I'd love to meet up with Michael, Bodhi, Alyssa, Chloe, Drew, and Mo just to name a few. I feel like I have been able to connect well with everyone except Matt H.

So, as per my last confessional we are at tribal. And I'm conflicted. As said before I have an alliance with jack and Alyssa and they are my main 2 at the moment like love them both. We helped Alyssa find the idol and we now have a vote steal which I found. However I am feeling kinda conflicted over this vote. Jack and Alyssa want to get rid of Tobi but I personally want bodhi gone. He doesn't talk to me like at all and like he's not the best at challenges. I wanna keep Tobi as well for like a laugh because I genuinely love him. We all agreed to keep mo thank god but still, a lil conflicted. AGH. I have found a vote steal tho woo. I'm not going to be happy but I'll swallow my pride and just go with the alliance, because I'm not out here trying to make waves and be unloyal at the moment. That's for later LOL

I think there is a relatively high chance that i'm going home here, considering its 1 and a half hours till tribal and people "still haven't heard anything" so i'm assuming that i'm getting the chop here which sucks... I tried pretty hard considering i've been pretty busy and like they're not giving me much to work with here and it feels like im trying to break through a wall. I'm trying to get the target on bodhi but no one is fucking online to even try to talk to about it so i'm at  a lost for what to do here... I want to stay but i just don't know how to do that when no one is talking to me... i could just be extremely paranoid and i sound delusional right now but idk something feels off here... its so annoying when I enjoy talking to other tribes more than my own NNNN like i really wish things were different but they're not so i'm just gonna try my best and see what happens

Woo we win again. Im trying to step up socially with my tribe, although who knows how long it's gonna matter bc we're prob swapping tonight. Apparently people were saying mo's name, let's pray it doesn't happen bc he's a good fucking kid.

Well it's been a slow couple of days for me. In game I can't really speak much to anything that may have happened. I feel like Tuatha has had a bit of a kumbaya casual flow going on. Which isn't necessarily bad but it makes it hard for me to know how I'm really doing.

Tobi was messaging me worried it might be him, which admittedly wouldn't be the worst thing given how we ended our last game. I was kindof an ass which I kindof leaned into after essentially throwing that game, but I still wish I'd found a way to end things better with him. While there are others I'd rather see go, his boot is one I can probably accept.

If it isn't him then oof who knows then. So long as it isn't Bodhi from that tribe. Overall I'm feeling ok, but I don't want to get complacent, it's just so early that I really don't know what to make of things. One world still isn't really helping since I'm still struggling to try and make conversation with EVERYONE. I really should consider just narrowing it down to some instead of all.

I’m sure hoping this works out for me if there is a tribe swap like a suspect, I think I’ve built some strong enough connections but without going to tribal it’s just not possible for me to be 100%

I've never been on a tribe with a winning streak I feel like I'm in the upside down hahaha. I'm having a great time and getting to know everybody and not having the stress of tribal is great. Sucks for the other tribes OOP

Nothing much is happening! I am still set up perfectly on my tribe and Bodhi has informed me that either Mo or Matt might be going. That was at the beginning of the round so it could really be anyone. I just hope it isn't Bodhi Alyssa or Mo.

Ok this past round was ok. I just kind of let us lose immunity and then we voted out Tobi. I didn’t want to vote out Tobi but that fucker voted for me so I don’t really care at all fuck him.

So not very much has changed on Tuatha as far as I can tell. My tribe winning the immunity challenge has helped me delay any confrontation between my 2 alliances which is great, as it should theoretically allow me to maintain relationships with all 6 members of the tribe. Still, it's going to keep being important to win immunity or pray for a swap in order to keep these groups from clashing.

Jared and Rhys are still a ? for me. I don't know why/how Rhys was able to convince Kori to invite Jared to the alliance of 5 instead of Mitch, and it worries me that those 2 may have a stronger bond than I immediately suspected. Hopefully I'll have an opportunity to deal with that when the time comes.

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Tobi is voted out 5-1. We swap!

[adventurousrecovery]

"Friends"

(I had met with my ex to exchange items after my chiropractor appointment. My lengthy speech days before was not enough clarification so he sought further, questioning our status. I smiled at the stupidity of the question and responded, "Friends." My answer was not the one he wanted and I received numerous messages before I had returned home. He wanted to make sure all items had been returned.)

Me: Yes unless I come across something else.

Ex: super great

Ex:I removed myself from your artist page

(I had made him an admin when he questioned my loyalty after my previous ex and his wife had messaged me.)

Me: Ok. I don't think I'd know how to do that lol

(I wouldn't.)

Ex: ok

Ex: pictures.

Ex: i need to remove tags and pictures

Ex: fucking facebook

Ex: its all like oh something went wrong

Ex: im about to just block you and see if that takes care of it

Ex: did you do a thing or did it work?

(He was looking for a response and I wasn't going to give it. I was more so stressed that he wouldn't leave me alone.)

Me: idk?

Ex: did you delete pictures on your end?

Me: No?

(I responded in the form of a question because I had deleted pictures of us weeks before we broke up, but not from social media. I felt he would not respond well to my confessing of the prior.)

Ex: oh ok

Ex: ok i think I got them all

Me: Good job lol

(What did he want...a pat on the the back?)

Ex: thanks LOL

(LOL was his common response when upset or not in control while seeking the last word in an attempt to feel in control. I find it to be the equivalent of "I'll pray for you" when Christians argue.)

Me: *sends a GIF of A. C. Slater and Zack Morris from "Saved By the Bell" giving themselves a pat on the back*

Ex: I take that as sarcastic

Ex: im still debating blocking you lol

(He was still looking for a response.)

Me: If you wish

(Encouragement in hope that he does.)

Ex: k bye

(I saw an opportunity.)

Me: There is one thing you should know.

Ex: ?

Me: *sends a picture of the Joan Jett and Styx concert tickets*

Me: Hahahahahaha! Bye

Ex: wow.

Ex: im glad you think thats funny

Me: You threatened me with Journey. I got the tickets the day after Indy.

(We went to Indy for my appointment and had both looked forward to getting out of town. On the way he questioned my delay in response to his questions the day before. Eventually he suggested, "Maybe we should break up", which was his go-to when things got rough. I took his offer. I went to my appointment and he sat outside. During that time he managed to convince himself that I had been using him the whole time. We left and got in the car where he proceeded to drive recklessly while being verbally aggressive. His excessive fidgeting had me worried he was going to hit me. I sat in silence as he brought up every concern and emotion he had ever tucked away. He attacked my sexuality. He put me down. He spoke on my behalf, answering his own questions. We were halfway back to Terre Haute before we began to communicate appropriately. By the time we returned to my apartment he was convinced we could work things out. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I told him if we were to further pursue this relationship I would have to see changes made, but that did not guarantee permanence. We went to DD for coffee. I knew he would pay. I didn't order. He was surprised. I didn't want him to think I was using him. We returned to my apartment and I got out of the car and walked away. It was only a matter of minutes until I received phone calls and messages.)

Me: But, still...its funny?

(He doesn't deny his threats.)

Me: This whole conversation is ridiculous.

Ex: I get that you got tickets to something

Ex: im glad you did

Ex: I hope you have a good time

Ex: but honestly I didn't expect you to tell me like that. I assumed you were a little better than that.

Me: I am certain I will. I didn't want to tell you like that but you weren't being nice.

(It was a dick move, but it was a good one!)

Ex: sure

Me: Threatening me with Journey tickets is an attempt to get an emotional response and gain some sort of control was a dick move, but then I quickly realized joan jett was the same night and I can still make it to work. I tolerated your harsh words and irrational behavior. I hoped things could be nice but it was clear that was not gonna happen, especially now.

Ex: ok

Me: I do wish good for you and believe you are better than you present.

Ex: ok

Ex: When did I threaten you with journey tickets exactly?

Ex: How so?

Me: In the car, "I think I'm gonna sell the tickets."

Me: "Okay"

Me: "Try to get my money back"

Me: "Okay"

Ex: that wasn't a threat, that was me hoping you would offer to buy them

(I offered to, but then I realized it was symbolic of all the times he pulled the "Maybe we should break up" card and me finally responding as he wished by begging and pleading no. I am not that person. I will not be that person. Instead, I bought tickets to Joan Jett and Styx after remembering they were to be performing in Noblesville the same night Journey was performing with Def Leppard in Louisville. Plot twist, asshole.)

Ex: call me.

Ex: please/

Me: I can't right now cause I'm still with my sis and packing up kaine to drop stuff off at work before going to the dog park

Ex: ok

Ex: well, nevermind then.

(I thought the conversation was finally over. Nope.)

Ex: I have $240 in the tickets, and at that moment i was frustrated and it was becoming clear we wernt going

Ex: I apologize that you lack the ability to see things outside of your scope and also lack the ability to recognize that sometimes people have moments.

(Again, he was speaking on my behalf. What I experienced was not a moment. It was the red flag I needed for the others had been bright enough. It was not just a "moment". It was an indicator of what I would experience if the relationship continued.)

Ex: Especially for someone who has so many. You complain so much about people not understanding you but it seems like you also arnt willing to take the time to understand other people.

Ex: and im sorry that you view everything as an attack on you, i know that sucks for you.

(Seems my voice was never loud enough and I admit that. I do fail to understand things. Ya can't teach a know-it-all. I do not view everything as an attack, but a potential attack. Trust is a HUGE issues and I didn't have that with him. I admit there are people I do not understand. I have become better at recognizing when to take time to understand because I know that whatever behavior or words were present were not of that person's character and who is actually an asshole that I cannot and do not have to fix. I understood that it was more than a moment and I was not going to stick around to "understand" and be manipulated and brainwashed to think otherwise.)

Me: I told you the truth of my limitations upon entering the relationship.

Ex: I know.

Me: School, work, mental health, recovery etc.

(I was extremely thorough with all that surrounded my mental health and placed great emphasis on my education and limited availability. I suggested he build relationships with those around him, staying in communication, and even attend counseling because there would be times I could not give him the support he was seeking.)

Ex: right

Ex: well, congrats.

(Congrats on my newfound freedom and reduction of stress? Yes!)

Ex: I guess the whole friends idea is done then?

[fairycosmos]

why do i have such an unhealthy habit of saying yes to people when i cant do/dont want to do what they ask? :( im really stressed out about a commission i might not be able to do but i said i could do it (or at least try), and a lady from work asked to see some of my writing for fun if it was okay and i enthusiastically said "yea!!:)" like always even tho i dont rly want to share any of it... idk why i always accept these things that i cant do and stress myself out. how do i not let them down?:(

hey love. i’m really sorry to hear that. :( it must be so upsetting to have to deal with such a stressful complex. unfortunately i think this is actually a super common issue, especially with young people who haven’t had the chance to develop a true sense of self. if you have low self esteem on top of that, you’ll look for validation anywhere - even at your own expense. perhaps subconsciously you crave encouragement and praise, like most of us do. you’re trying to find reassurance from others because you refuse to give it to yourself, you know? it’s a really shitty, unhealthy trap to fall into but i get how easy it is to do so, i’m pretty much in the same place rn. the truth of it is that, to find a stable sense of confidence, you have to start with appreciating yourself and cutting yourself some slack. make the active choice to care about your own well being and happiness. everything you need is inside of you already. like, you think appeasing people and putting yourself in situations you find uncomfortable just to please them will be rewarded with you being perceived positively, right? in reality, people should like you for who you are, rather than for what you can do for them. and they will. just because you don’t see your naturally positive qualities, doesn’t mean they don’t. it could also be that you put all of your worth into your drawings/your writing, and so you feel like those are the only things worth sharing about you, but that’s not the case. your presence and your personality is good enough on its own, i promise. i know you dont believe that. but nobody else sees you as negatively as you see yourself. the problem with depending on others for self worth is that it creates an environment in which you wont ever feel 100% content with who you are. it’s impossible to please everyone all of the time. people will always find a reason to hate, or to cause drama. but you dont owe anyone anything, you really really dont. not your time, not your energy, not your work. saying no and putting yourself first is a skill, it takes time to hone and perfect, especially if you’re prone to self hatred. but it’s still very possible. allow it to be a process. learn one step at a time. you’re not letting people down, you’re setting your own personal boundaries and you have EVERY right to do that. i cant stress it enough.

even if you just begin with rejecting one inconvenient commission per month, or complimenting yourself when you look in the mirror, or being honest with someone about your comfort zone. small efforts like that will add up over time, and sooner than you think, you’ll realize that it’s not actually that difficult to root for yourself because you deserve it. we’re taught from birth that what other people think determines who we actually are, but that’s just not true. other people’s perception of you is often untrustworthy and one dimensional. you’re still a good artist, even if you’re not available 24/7. you’re still a good writer, even if your stories are private. it’s not about recognition or proving yourself, it’s about the sense of fulfillment you get from enjoying your hobbies. you don’t have to sacrifice that for other people. it’s pointless. there’s honestly no shame in being up front, because that’s the only way to get your point across. you wouldn’t expect others to drop everything just to draw for you, right? so dont project that expectation onto yourself. you’re doing great. you haven’t even done anything wrong. so, take a breath. if you make the conscious decision to incorporate small, confidence building exercises into your daily routine, then you’ll definitely notice a difference eventually. and yeah, you’ll feel stupid at first. and yeah, you’ll feel bad for not being able to be there for everyone constantly. but that’s just life, that’s just how it is and the people around you will have to accept it. it may take a while, but try to observe your own behaviour, notice the moment in which you overexert yourself just for someone else’s approval - so that the next time you feel the urge, you’re able to quell it before you act on it :) you dont have to prove that you deserve to take up space in the world by going out of your way all of the time. you’re good enough as you are. that’s what it always comes back to. i’m sorry, i know words are so empty when you’re in such a worried state of mind, but i hope you’re able to take at least some of what i say seriously. because i mean it with all of my heart ! just let me know if you want to discuss this properly, or if you ever need a friend. hit me up anytime.