#idk if its brain fog or what
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shoutout to those nights where the brain says We Literally Cant Do Anything Even Though We Really Want To <3
#brain: we want to do something!#okay! awesome! lets-#brain: NO DO!! only want#cant scribble. cant write. cant read#and so i sit here alternating between staring at several different screens & also the wall#idk if its brain fog or what#it feels like im in waiting mode....#what am i waiting for!!! i would like to know!!!#absolutely unprompted#stg im gonna end up rewatching good omens while grinding for pier fish on acnh#angry at myself for not doing Literally Anything Else!!#i cant even think about my blorbos bc nothing coherent is going on upstairs#its just vague feelings and images and AUGGGH#i hate nights like this!! can i unsubscribe!!! can i opt out!!!#there are several Important Things i need to get done!! why cant i do them!!!#i wish i had some sort of large fruit i could split open and devour To Cope w this smhhhhh#at least then id be doin something...#for once i have the energy but i cant funnel it into anything. sigh
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Nico who is so painfully self-aware of who he is and how that affects how the world sees him. Like. You know, just all the Hades/Pluto kids are violently self-aware. They know the power that thrums at their fingertips, the gravedirt that sloughs through their veins, the shadows in their lungs. It's what makes them powerful, this unhidden knowledge. Their cousins step around their own powers, trying to find sense in their father's domains and they, meanwhile, already know, with or without outside help, because power sits in the body, sits in the soul - their domain, their control.
They know that people are scared for reasons beyond their control and it's upsetting, but fuck it, it's gonna happen, might as well move past it.
Someone says to him, "I know you think you're scary and hard to love" and he just cuts in with "No, I don't. I don't think I'm hard to love. I'm easy to love. People just choose not to. I'm not scary either, but people want to be scared of something and I'm an easy choice. Why do you think I'm hard to love? Why do you think I'm scary?"
#happy talks pjo#nico di angelo#idk i just think the kids are extremely introspective and have a better understanding of people and themselves than other people think#because that's what the underworld is when you break it down to pieces. its humanity and history and life - as ironic as that last bit is#like the underworld is who are you who were you what is your story what is the history your soul contains#and for that the child born of bones and darkness are more aware than people give them credit for#anyway. i hope this makes sense. my brain's all fogged lmao
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Not feeling it rn cuz idk how to disclose to my family (mom, really) that I have two very funnily misplaced random underskin lumps on my neck and and one on the back of my head, and that my mind immiditely jumped to the worst conclusion
#The constant fatigue migranes and brain fog ive had for a good year doesn't help#oh its the damned phone it's because you don't do anything all day it's because you don't see the sun#maybe#doesn't change the fact that they are there and I'm scared haha#had the one on the back of my head for a while#and definitely didnt have a panic attack over finding the third one earlier today when absemindedly scratching my neck#they're kinda hard to find but once you feel them boy oh boy it#sigh it just seems really idk. over the top?#like if I was suppoused to die couldn't it have been anything less mentally and money taxing lmao#why bother with cancer ffs it's not like I have anything in my life going on#and to think I was actually planning on getting it together#my mom has enough on her plate as she is#what with her work slowly killing her#why is she literaly the only one that would kinda care#only after telling me I'm definitely overreacting but still#whatver man#I can't sleep but my head hurts#it's just my period anyway#sorry guys I will be back to Joy and whimsy soon I'm sure#vent#like in amongus haha
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me trying to explain to my body that it is not absolutely necessary to make me feel like dying every single day and i could use a break:
my body: okay but have you considered that we could do this forever?
#jk i know my body does its best to help me#but if it didn't also turn to autodestruction mode it'd be pretty cool#i hate when one of my symptoms finally get better and another something else flares immediately and there is just no time to be okay ever#not even asking to feel good#just#not awful#i could handle a few clicky joints and a bit of trouble standing#what i'm experiencing atm is too much#chronic pain#chronic illness#chronically ill#disabled#disability#undiagnosed#joint pain#gi problems#brain fog#idk#just ouch
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seen a couple gt july arts ^u^ very cute aaaa
btw sorry for being inactive and not posting. i been mentally MIA and not able to focus on time passing lol
#absolute rambles#brain shutting down.. what do you mean its july#the cycle of brain fog at beginning of summer hallo#lowkey vent#idk does it even count#brain going rarrrrggrrgrrgrgrgrrr#anyways gn
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Get attacked!! ✨🌈SEND THIS TO OTHER BLOGGERS YOU THINK ARE WONDERFUL. KEEP THE GAME GOING🌈
Aaaaaah thank you! 💖💖 and right back at you!!
#idk what to tag this#thank youuuuu#if i forget to send it to anyone please know its not you its my brain fog making me terrible at remembering names and icons#on a related note if i send it to you and you're like 'who the hell is this' then sorry lol
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ok i might need to force myself to not romance astarion bc i don't want to know what it says about me to turn down karlach, the woman of my dreams, the character made to cater me personally, like, if she was real i'd bring the moon and stars down for the chance to see her smile, she's everything i've hoped for in a rpg companion, what does it say about me if i turn that down for someone like astarion
#ngl karlach would be too good for me and i wouldnt deserve it#shed probably ask me stuff like 'what do you want?' upon which i would be paralyzed with fear my mind completely blank unable#to process why i can't answer a simple question#and she's so up front with her emotions which i absolutely adore but i could not reciprocate that#wait am i actually for real avoiding the karlach romance bc i feel like this fictional character from a video game is too good for me#a real human being. like. i think i would feel guilty about romancing her#which makes no sense bc i romance characters too good for anyone all of the time. but idk#in those cases ive always had like a strong character i play as who is very divorced from who i am#but playing as durge there is no past so idk who my tav is yet so all i can do is project so he feels very. personal#im v sleepy and also ive had brain fog all day so yea idk#i mean i do genuinely like astarion and his character but in his case i dont feel guilty bc i feel like i#i have no idea how to finish that sentence without it sounding like 'i can fix him'#bc i dont want to fix him i want to show him compassion and respect him and his boundaries so he'll be able to reclaim tje feeling of#being in control of his life#so he'll stop putting people down to feel like hes on a pedestal#like i get him and why he is like that but i just feel like being kind and caring towards him would feel so good#it wouldnt fix him and thats a good thing bc i dont want him to change who he is but i do think he needs support#also hes hot im so mad at myself for being so atteacted to him#we wouldnt b here if i didnt have a thing for voices#besides thag back to the main point of astarion its like. ugh! im so frustrated rn bc i dont have the words#to express my emotions toward him bc everything ive said lacks the nuance that im feelikg but idk how to put it in words#i guess i want to protect him? that such a terrible sentence and still not what om going for
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there's this one photo I've seen floating around a few times with the words "I wish we could've met as kids, you would've loved the softer me" and I think about it every now and then
so ... art ʅ(๑ ᷄ω ᷅ )ʃ
#''what if they met as kids'' AU basically djdkskl#also i discovered this rly fun music album and was listening to it while working on this fjdksl its called Portrait by The 5th Element !!#theres this one rly weird song on it fjdkdl I assume theyre american bc its like uhh. that one american thing. declaration of independence?#idk fjfkdl i think thats what that is. no idea though im not american SHSJSKL#ANYWAYS GOOD ALBUM besides that one part of the medley song but even that is kind of a fun melody to it#BUT YEAH. meeting as kids. i want to explore the concept a little more fhfkdl#i think it'd be sweet to explore them being friends and going on adventures and OH GOD im just turning Guz into an OC now arent i... OOPS#OH WELL. INTO THE REALM OF OOC WE GOOOOO BRAVELY MARCHING INTO THE FOG DJDKDL#HE'S NOT AN OC HE'S STILL THE SAME CHARACTERRR IM JUST SQUISHING HIM AROUND LIKE SILLY PUTTY AND SEEING WHAT HAPPENS#THE ONLY ISSUE WITH THIS. is that i would need to remember what i was like as a kid. but i do not hold those memories fjfkdl#those are held by another part of the brain. ACK!! good thing i have imagination and can make shit up based on childhood report cards LMAO#dandyshucks#junebug 🪲#dandy doodlebugs#💜so good at being in trouble#MAYBE KIND OF A WEIRD POST FOR A SELFSHIP BLOG. idk if anyone else has done this. BUT ITS MY BLOG I GUESS#boldly going into the unknown... excelsior!!! onwards and upwards!! new AUs and ideas to explore!! lots of fun to be had!!#💜a boy and his bug🪲
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covid is actually extra painful this time love that for me 🥰
#its all in my chest and lungs this time i’m all wheezy and coughing hurts so much#like i can’t breathe super well 😭 and the headache just does not go away like my teeth hurt at this point#thank god i had an edible because i dont think i’d have been able to sleep without it#but i have the worst brain fog ever which is really saying something for me lmao#idk what i’m gonna do tonight 😐
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found out night court was finally online (freevee) and oh I've missed this. hiiiiii judge harry stone
#hi dan. ohhh im just remembering i drew a lot of stuff the last time i got into night court.#also forgot that i've drawn pompey and crassus fucking several times and just. posted that to twitter.#(i was clearing out my ipad earlier. there's a lot)#anyway harry is like. he's stupid hot to me this time??? idk. usually when i watched night court im just vibing.#i was absolutely fucking bamboozled by the way my brain went (fog horn sounds) the second he showed up#its the magician shtick isn't it. god yeah. that's probably what's doing it for me
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one of those days where my brain is like Youre so annoying and everyone hates you and wants you gone forever. maybe you should just die. and im like. ok!! i want to play minecraft though
#like. alright buddy settle down. idk what you want me to do about it#that combined w the severe brain fog is. interesting!!!!! to say the least#which is probably why its not bothering me HWHWNDHFFNJFJG
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just spent a full hour trying desperately to find the correct stop for the bus i have to take home and like so many things in my life it turns out i made it way more complicated than was necessary. that or i am at the wrong spot. 🤞🏻
#also i guess i look like i live here because some guy just asked me if i knew where to buy tickets for a bus and i told him idk but it then#occurred to me that you can probably pay with your phone when you get on. sorry buddy i have the respiratory infection brain fog#i really hope its not covid i am going to feel like such an asshole if i got on a plane with covid even though i havent taken off my mask#idk what other choice there was though i certainly couldnt afford to change the flight and stay in chicago for longer#it just feels like a cold i dont think i have a fever and not coughing. heading for my stash of covid tests upon arrival at home 🫥#me
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at first i was writing a lot of grief stuff to process my own which is still the case but at this point it's mostly the grief has been here for so long and is not going away so and i'm tired so i might as well have fun with it
#putting off going outside to do the things i need to do rn....griefblogging time#like im playing a competition with myself for what's the weirdest and most entertaining take on grief i can write and i always win#stopping myself from doing a tag essay on how i see grief like bestie that's for the substack#im not tired of it as in i want my grief to go away because its here forever and you knowww#grief is the product of love etc etc etc#i dont mind it being there but all the Symptoms of it like fatigue and brain fog are getting ANNOYINGGGG#i wrote something like this before i fell asleep about how beau thinks his grief is dull but it's his lol#most of our grief is actually very different...like he wants to feel haunted but is unnerved by the moments#that feel like he is#whereas i experience what i believe are signs from my mom and im like YAYYYYY HI MOM HIIIIII :3#beau wants signs but then he gets what could be seen as signs and it kind of just ruins his day#but it also ruins his day if he doesn't get any#idk im putting him through it for the sake of the plot#im soo excited to play with the haunting aspect of the book because its not a literal supernatural haunting but also. its close#wrote hell instead of well at first thats symbolic of something
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#whoop there it is#i just had a conscious thought and realized why i spent the last two months binging medical dramas#(tbh idek how long its been)#(i just know it's been... a while)#[it's really so absolutely wonderful having a sick brain and just constantly losing yourself in different colored clouds of fog]#but yeah#anyway#i just saw one of the patients on a gurney#and i thought: i wish that was me#i was thinking about it while watering the lawn#today i self-sabotaged bc i was too lazy#at least that's what my mind is saying#i really don't know#either way#i knew since i was 10years old that i would've given my life to anyone who wanted to live#so that i didn't have to#idk i'm extra emotional today bc of my period or bc i didnt take my meds this morning (that was the self sabotage)#yeah im a very healthy person i know#ignore me#truth is all i wanna do is cry
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also while I love seeing my family (and dog!) being at my parents makes me feel like a caged animal I'm going to start chewing up the carpet
#I can't do anything At All i feel so stuck#my room is being used for storage so im staying in the guest bedroom which is also like. half guest bedroom half storage space#theres no desk here + its very hotel like + bc its on a separate floor it makes me feel very isolated +i keep getting scared for no reason#i dont knowwww i feel like something important in my mind is decaying but idk what. brain fog innit#I'm not looking forward to travelling back bc long journeys make me dissociate + I'll have to readjust again but I miss the flat :-(#even if I was just doing nothing there too. different flavour of losing my mind + I have so much more freedom/control over my own life#I only brought 1 change of clothes + no workout stuff with me urgh I wasnt meant to stay this long. its ok just 2 more nights#I always feel like im missing out on my own life when im at my parents too. theres only so much time in the world#sighhhhs. anyway gonna read a bit n then sleep#.diaries#.vent
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woke up with my health stuff imploding; had the worst panic attack ive had in a long time; v much still stressed and ready to collapse at any given moment. however. i had some very good rice for lunch. my joint wrappers have lil strawberries on them. i got to take a v nice bath. we find beauty even in agony, try to stay hopeful, etc
#health tag#idk what my chronic illness tag is. i have like four bc every time im sick enoufj to post abt it i Cant Think#everythings just a haze man. i didnt smoke so im not even high its just Brain Fog Extreme Edition
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