#I always feel like im missing out on my own life when im at my parents too. theres only so much time in the world
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ok ok ok so if i may be so bold as to request something, ive been enamored wiht the idea of an older, controlling, borderline abuse boyfriend jimmy, like he and reader live together on earth, and reader goes to college, while jimmy works physical jobs trying to support them both. he's a SHITTY person though, so hes jealous of any man the reader talks to, reads through their phone, makes sinde comments about their weight and appearance, and (im totally not projecting here) eventually pressures them into dropping out, for like his perfect little live in partner/gf fantasy sjdhasd feel free to do whatever with this, but this specific scenario has not left my head for days
WHEEE this was fun to write ^w^ i rushed this a bit but i just didnt want you to have to wait any longer... :p
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Jimmy Zare x fem!reader
reader uses fem terms (girl, girlfriend)
genre: how do i categorize this.... fic that makes you feel bad or horny depending on how you handle verbal abuse lol
word count: 1.8k
warnings/content: age gap, domestic abuse, manipulation, arguing, fat shaming, several references to the readers body/appearance, jimmy being the biggest asshole oh my god i hate him (i want him so bad it makes me look stupid)
(is it bad that writing about jimmy yelling at me turns me on... WOAHHH who said that .....๐ฐ also dont kill me for the weight shaming part IM A FAT GIRL !!!!!! i like when evil men are mean to me !!!!!! RAAAH)
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"He's a good guy, he can actually be really sweet!"
That's a sentence you find yourself saying out of complete muscle memory at this point whenever someone questions why your boyfriendโ... well, they question an awful lot about your boyfriend.
For example, why he's over twenty years your senior whilst you're still going to class on the weekdays. Why he doesn't allow you to see your friends, wear certain clothes, leave your apartment without him, and why he takes up so much space in your brain, completely distracting you from your own life and goals.
You've missed at least four assignments this semester alone. It's stupid, really. You thought you'd be done with obsessing and crying over boys after you graduated highschool. It's completely immature for a so-called adult like yourself, but then again, you're hardly into adulthood at all.
Jimmy, on the other hand, has a lot more life experience, many of those experiences negative. That might be why you've taken some form of pity on him, going so far as to move into his apartment so you can take care of him when you're not busy. He needs someone to make sure he doesn't fall off the deep end.
The thing is, it's become hard to fit him in your schedule, but whenever you're unable to make time for him after he comes home from work, that familiar scowl on his face indicating it was another shitty day, he throws a fit.
He'll accuse you of everything under the sun; Infidelity being the primary thing.
"You don't love me. There's someone else, isn't there? It's that one kid that asked you to help him 'study' last week, isn't it? No? Give me your fucking phone, then."
This is what you come home to everyday, so it's nothing new. In fact, you're pretty used to it by now. Though today, Jimmy seems particularly pissed.
"Where have you been?" He crosses his arms and leans against the wall, eyeing you up and down like he always does when he's about to grill you on something.
"Sorry..." You mutter, way too tired to deal with one of his moods again. "Traffic." You answer simply, not having enough energy to overexplain yourself like you normally do.
"Uh huh. Traffic." He mimics you in a way that already tells you he's not buying it. Great.
"...It's the truth." You shrink into yourself at the way he's looking at you. Contemptuous as always. You're in for another argument, it seems. A million, desperate pleas run through your mind;
'Please don't give me another lecture about how you're my only financial support, and how grateful I should be. Please don't ask to see my phone. Please don't tell me to drop out.'
But, of course, you can't actually change the outcome of this. You're gonna get yelled at. Belittled. Degraded.
"You're two hours late, and you're gonna tell me you were just stuck in traffic?" He pushes himself off the wall and walks towards you.
"You're never home when you're supposed to be, and when you are home, you're all tired and upset.โ He pokes a finger into your shoulder, hard. "What do you think that looks like from my point of view?"
"I'm sorry." You rub your face, exasperated. God, you wish he would shut up sometimes. Sure, he can be amicable, but lately... he's been a raging dick. Yet, you can't help but cling to the memory of his good moments. "I'll try to make it back on time tomorrow."
"Yeah? And how many times have I heard that before?" He sneers, "You're hiding something from me, aren't you?"
The way he accuses you so confidently, so sure of himself... it's insulting. Does he really think that little of you? "College has been kicking my ass, Jim. You know that. I'm not hiding anything from you, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, college this, college that. Always complaining about fuckin' college," He scoffs, his eyes stay narrowed, still glaring. "How about what I'm going through? You think I'm having a great time every day at work, hm?"
"No, Iโ" You stammer, hating the way he's turning this around to make himself the victim. Oh, woe is him, having to provide for himself and his girlfriend. How tortured he is. "I know, alright? I'm sorry. I justโ what else do you expect me to do?"
"Be here. Like you're supposed to be. And I expect you to stop acting like I'm the bad guy for asking you to be a decent girlfriend."
Jimmy's voice raises slightly as he takes a step closer, towering over your sheepish figure. He nudges your shoulder again, even rougher this time.
"I'm busting my ass every day to put food on the table, and you can't even have the decency to show up on time, let alone look happy to see me?"
"Iโ I am happy to see you! I am, I'm justโ you don't get it. I want to be here, but... I'm not even halfway through this semester, andโ" You stumble over your words as you attempt, in vain, to defend yourself. It's not like he'll ever feel sympathy for you. It's always about what he wants. What makes him happy.
Jimmy rolls his eyes at your attempt to reason with him. It's as if he doesn't even register a word you say. "But what? What's more important to you, huh? Some stupid classes, or the guy who keeps a fuckin' roof over your head and feeds you? Be grateful, goddamn it." He snaps, grabbing your arms and giving them a forceful shake.
You flinch from being handled like you're not even a human being, much less one with feelings. "Stop, please, I'mโ I am grateful, I really am..." You're not lying, either. To be honest, his guilt tripping works wonders on you. Are you really acting unappreciative? He wouldn't be this upset if you were in the right...
He seems unfazed by your frightened demeanor and continues to hold a firm grip on your arms. He looks you up and down, not even having to say anything for you to know he's judging you, as a girlfriend and person in general.
"Oh, you're grateful? Then maybe you should act like it for once." Jimmy gives your arms another firm shake, a harsh reminder of who's in charge here.
"I'm not asking much of you. I just want you to be here, and you can't even do that. Do you think I'm just gonna sit back and accept that bullshit?"
"No..." You shake your head, looking down at the ground in shame. Were you really that awful? You didn't want to be a bad partner, it's the last thing you ever wanted. If you could make eye contact without feeling guilty, you'd see Jimmy's face light up with satisfaction as he finally notices you're not even bothering to put up a fight anymore.
There's a condescending lilt to his tone as he speaks, "No one will ever love you like I do. You know that?"
You nod, knowing there has to be some truth to his claim. He takes care of you, doesn't he? He keeps a roof over your head, gives you money for groceries, and he's not always that unpleasant to be around...
He's a good boyfriend. You're the problem. You always are.
"Exactly."
The grip on your arms eases, moving them to place a hand on each of your shoulders, contrastingly gentle compared to his behavior only moments ago.
"You oughta thank your lucky stars you have a man like me who puts up with all your bullshit. You get that, right? How lucky you are to be with me?"
You know he's right. You were blessed with someone who still loves you, despite your many shortcomings. You're too fat, the acne on your face and body is repulsive, the way you do your makeup is weird... all of this being things Jimmy has told you directly. At least you have an honest boyfriend, isn't that what every girl wants?
He gives your shoulder a pat, like he's treating you like a small, petulant child. "You realize I could have literally any girl I want, right? Pretty, skinny, smart ones, even. But I chose you. Because I care about you."
He pauses, letting that sink in.
"But it would help if you'd actually put the effort in to look decent." He adds as an afterthought.
You've internalized every single snide remark he's thrown your way, reminded of them every single time you look in the mirror. Yet he still loves someone like you. Someone so difficult and embarrassing to be with.
"Jim, I don't... I don't know how I'm even gonna be able to free my schedule at all with school and stuff..." You mumble guiltily. You know he wants you to drop out, he's suggested it more times than you can count.
"That right there, that's why I'm frustrated, goddamn it," He says with an exacerbated sigh. He moves one hand from your shoulder to pinch the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Why don't you get it? Dropping out isn't the end of the world. Just quit and stay home. Done. Easy."
"It's not that easy... I want to get a good job and help out too, you know..."
It's true that you want to pull your weight around your shared home. With your combined income, it'd make everything easier. But... with how shitty college makes you feel, leaving you beaten down and tired by the end of the day...
You find yourself listening to Jimmy on this for once.
He can tell you're seriously contemplating it this time, which makes him feel... more in control. He's got you thinking and believing exactly what he wants you to. Soon, he'll be able to get you to obey him without another word from you.
The thought of having you as his subservient, stay at home girlfriend is more than appealing. It's his goal to mold you into what he wants you to be.
"Yeah, yeah, I get that, I know. But you're stressing yourself half to death, and for what? Some stupid degree? Listen to me, I'm not gonna ask you again. You're just creating problems that don't need to exist. Just quit. You'll have plenty of free time that you can spend with me."
You can't deny how tempting the idea is. Hesitantly, after several moments of pondering the hypotheticals and what-ifs, you speak up,
"...I guess... dropping out wouldn't hurt too much."
He perks up at that, barely being able to contain a delighted grin. You're actually putting him and his wants first, and acknowledging that he's right. You're doing as he says, without any of the usual arguing or excuses. He'll finally have his dream complaisant, docile girlfriend to come home to every night.
It only took a month or two to finally get you to cave. You'll be easier to control from now on. Hell, maybe you'll lose some weight with some free time on your hands, stop wearing that shitty makeup...
"Good girl," He says in a patronizing tone, like he's addressing a child, "That's what wanna hear."
God, you really hope this isn't a bad idea. Jimmy looks pleased for once, so...
This decision can't possibly ruin your future too badly, right?
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#jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#jimmy mouthwashing x reader#mouthwashing jimmy#mouthwashing x reader#dead dove do not eat#mouthwashing jimmy x reader#dead dove#tw abuse#abuse tw
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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sorry if ive made this exact post before i love metablogging when i have nothing else to say. funny that i gave myself permission to talk and express myself on my main account yet i continue to basically only talk in my personal blog rambling hole, i think i realized a while back that mostly its just my friends that care about my posts/interact with me so posting where theyre concentrated is i guess more efficient and less embarrassing
#getting over my attention seeking complexes?!?#well redirecting them in a way that makes more sense and causes me less stress ig#i wanted to revive this blog since i missed having a 'public face' but it turns out i dont have shit to say#i rarely draw and i dont often have lore im willing to publically share#i dont have any 'takes' that people other than me have said better#uhhh#media blogging has always been appealing to me but i dont think i like doing it either#again feeling like i dont have anything unique to say + my attachments to stuff are always really stupid and personal#i guess i just dont really feel like i need to have those expressed/validated online i got my own little world already#and im also not going to whine about my stupid life and daily routine here since#idk how to separate what people find illuminating/interesting vs whats just kind of whiny and doesnt even communicate much#again not worth it when i feel like im pretty satisfief with expressing/dealing with those things more privately#rambling... well enjoy
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anyway i need to hang out with my brother again he is the one person who i am pretty sure knows literally everything about me so he's the only person i trust that i can absolutely not disappoint. nothing i can do could be worse than the sum of everything i've been doing to that poor man (and him to me) the past 19 years
#especially now that im back into literally the only interest we actually share on a deep enough level to enjoy it together LOL#i mean we were also both into hannibal but thats just not an enjoyable show to watch together its too much effort#but wow that time we read das boot slash fanfic on the bus together that was awesome#and the time we wrote fanfic together lol LITERALLY WHY DID WE STOP#he has only gotten cooler and more comfortable with his gayness since then we need to write fanfic again โผ๏ธ#anyway i feel sorry for every person in my life but i dont think anyone ill ever know could ever have as close a relationship to me as him#were platonic soulmates lol but like not in the spiritual sense bc its pretty obvious that its not some supernatural bond#its juuuust shared trauma haha and the fact that our trauma is so complex and layered that only we will ever truly understand each other#there has been a really rough patch where we practically did not talk for 4... 5? whole years im serious. maybe on the weekends sometimes#while we were stewing in our own shit. but now were inseperable i think it actually pisses off the rest of our family because every time#theres some event where we meet again (we live like 5 hours apart) we only hang around for like an hour before we get in his car#and drive somewhere and hang out there for the rest of the day and night and only return at like 3am drunk#in a sense i guess were catching up on all the missed time#to be honest we both had some horrible shit going on in our heads me with the transgenderism and toxic relationship#him with his anger issues and (what he calls) psychopathy. like ill say this much he was not a good person as a child he was a devil#he was quite literally what some describe as born evil like u know those satans spawns kids that cut off babys fingers and dissect rabbits#all that yk. and i was his first and most frequent victim due to availability lol and my parents did not know any of it and if they did#they ignored it. so yeah u can imagine the relationship was a little strained and for a long time i lived in fear of him#also due to all the death threats and attempts on my life HAHA its kinda funny because i can say all this all detached now#but i think to anyone else this sounds mad as hell. like im not talking roughhousing or being mad at each other#he was always scarily calm and hyperintelligent he was actually diagnosed with some form of like super high intelligence that#makes kids capable of being really manipulative and thats what he used at every turn. everything was always calculated that was scary#if he was nice to me i would question if he was trying to lure me somewhere to hurt me yk?#anyway. sometimes those old thoughts come back when were hanging out alone but mostly i know hes changed and worked on himself#sorry oversharing oh wow
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#what do you call it when a mind is lacking in depth of m thought? is there a word for that?#because all my mind can do is spin in tiny circles. never push any further. no depth of thought#i cant even carry out this line of thought to completion in my head. i have to write it down like this or else it remains stuck in an eddy#its so frustrating. when my thoughts are pressured i spin so fast it feels like my head might pop but the thoughts never go anywhere#bc they just repeat the same god damn things all thr fucking time. they drag me around in circles. then when im feeling low or even like#normal. my head just feels empty and it freaks me out. i have no intersting thoughts to think. theres nothing behind my eyes#possibly its just my brain on 0cd. but how am i suppose to escape the spiral if its in my own head? i guess im just supposed to changr my#reaction to it. recognize what it is and let it go. but i dont like it#i just want to curl up on a warm tile floor. press myself into a quiet corner and not think anything#in an aquarium or a conservatory. specifically the conservatory in Columbus. i love that place#i went there for my birthday when i was like 12 bc i liked it so much. the botanically gardens and the butterflies and the stained glass#i dunno. i just like it there. ugh. im just tired#god. there was a really cool talk today and im always like im not that inattentive lol but then i cannot for the life of me follow a talk or#read a paper all thr way through. my short term working memory is just a tiny little cup. easy to overfill#so i miss mostly everything. its so frustrating#its all frustrating. whatever. back to the psychiatrist tomorrow. probably up thr lamicta1 dosage#bc im past where i was last time i had a reaction to it ๐ช#i just wish i wanted to draw. drawing just makes me tired and impatient rn#unrelated
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i dont think my brain can conceptualize love. or at least from the information i gather
#inspired by me experiencing another failed family event and also talking to a 16 year old#whos in a relationship right now#and i know teenage love yea#but its still a form of love#and i realized. that is always what i yearned for#and i never got it. shes living what i will never have. and never will tbh#because i dont think im able to feel love. even familial love is shakey. to me#i love you because youre my mom and you are part of me and you have took care of me and i find your presence comforting as i have always#known it. is that love? or do i feel like im obligated to love you because otherwise im ungrateful of what ive been given and i hurt someone#who has given me her life for mine in a sense. is that love?#because you also hurt me. i also feel at my worst around you. so it cant be right?#and i love you because youre my dad and im concerned for your health and i know how much you have given up for me#and id give anything to get a fraction of that for you back. is that love?#or is it an obligation. is it guilt. because i cant share my deepest secrets with you#i cant share what i enjoy or listen to. because you dont really care. you only really care about whats yours#and thats fine. but i dont know if thats โloveโ. or im tethered to you like guilt#and i love you because youre my brother and you were my first friend and first guide in life#but i dont know. how much of that is guilt#because of what resentment you feel towards our parents that i have to take your side lest you cast me aside too#i feel like i am loved on conditions. or did i set these myself? i dont know how much it has been pushed on me nd how much it is#self inflicted#i feel like i also love on a condition. and i dont like it#i want to feel unconditional love towards a person. i dont think i can#when love feels so much like a chore and an expectation#i cant love you i cant miss you i cant think about you#is that my fault? am i broken? is it me whos evil? is it me whos cold?#or have i just been left on my own to figure out how to be loved and how to love back#without feeling
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yeah I'm not gonna talk abt it am I...
#well thats okay. eventually itll come up naturally. and if not well. it doesnt make me feel very okay. but its not a big deal#and i guess ill meet ppl in the future who will curate a different idea of me and maybe therell be fewer misunderstandings#<- coward who CAN communicate to save their life but not in any lower stakes situation for their happiness n quality of life#we <3 repression n insecurity. maybe if i keep digging at the corner of this bit of the labyrinth with my spoon ill get out someday ๐#anyway.. theres my daily vague vent post got it out of my system#wanted to do it earlier but ended up not having much time after work n then called friends which was nice :^)#also i never have signal at work these days.. my boss has said shell get me on the staff wifi tho cuz i do need it for work reasons#its rare to need it for work purposes bc we all use work pcs n stuff anyway and not rly supposed to use mobiles in the lab#but yeahh.. god i have so much admin shit to sort out also gotta text family back before i sleep i forgot to earlier#its all good.. also my memory foam pillows turned up so i no longer have to steal my roomies extra one for my neck pain <3#ik she was missing it... not to sound like a creep but it was nice that it smelled like her a little. just familiar innit#we're always around each other so its just what being home smells like to me.. listen i have a sensitive nose ๐โ๏ธ#if we were a lot closer i would ask if i could sleep in her bed while shes away but we're not so it would come across sooo weird..#and i would feel rly weird abt someone sleeping in my own room without me there. well maybe not actually. as long as they werent snooping#<- guy whose mother used to go thru their shit all the time n struggles to not feel paranoid and distrustful when it comes to privacy#was thinking recently my ideal living situation w a partner would be separate rooms but we still share the bed sometimes#but not every night bc im a sensitive sleeper... but we can switch bedding so i can still smell them if i wake up in the night alone#like how new mothers trying to get babies used to cot sleeping each have a cloth or blanket and swap every night#so the baby is comforted by the blankets smell and sleeps more peacefully.. and momma finds it easier being apart from the baby too#sorry this is getting gooey and weird my meds have been wearing off the last couple hours im so sleeppyyyy ๐ญ#well.... maybe everything can wait until tomorrow..... bed is calling..#goodnight everyone muah#.diaries
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my best friend's MOTHER called me to scold me about being depressed and self isolating lol what has life even come to
#she was like. kya hua why won't you meet her she's saying you're busy do you have exams or something#and she knows too much about me so she's like beta exam toh agli saal hai na#it was more like pyaar se scolding ki mil liya karo usse acche lagega she's very sad she misses you#i was like. hmph. what??? she certainly hasn't said that to me#im kinda sick and tired of begging people to make me a priority pay attention to me tbh. i did ask to meet but she was like you come to my#house only i won't come to your house. even tho last few months ive been to her house soooo many times because of her parental drama#i don't want to go anymore im trying to study consistently and we don't sleep at all during nighout and i don't even want to waste a single#day. plus dad is being so weird and involved these days i can't even just sneak out. i mean if she came to my home atleast i wouldn't be so#tired that id waste the whole next day. but she doesn't wanna and she doesn't even have a reason so i just let it be i gave up#but aunty made me feel so guilty so whatever i texted like hey u wanna meet#tbh i don't want to sit and listen to her boyfriend drama all night. she never wants to do stuff together anymore we used to watch movies#we used to dance to songs we used to have so much fun. we were even planning on drinking but she keeps cancelling. now it's just endless#talk about how she feels so lonely and how she misses the guys so fuckinh much and howshe can't stop talking to them and how she needs them#to fill the gap the empty space#well fuck you!!! i feel the same and you don't give a fuck. you blow me off constantly don't hangout for a month even when we're in the#same city !! so we fuck you go to your boys and go your cousin ill be on my fucking own then always on my own desperately#trying everything to fix myself enough to move forward so my life doesn't fall apart and comes to a crashing halt#okay im definitely pmsing but whatever
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cant sleep because im seething with anger
#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel#if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins#basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating#off topic but yeah#i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around#idk. whatever#why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years#but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol#all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic#and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her#because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15#maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life#but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me#every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight#it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred#and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes#*life
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#im probably gonna be spending a lot of my life mourning my sisters and my relationship#we were so close but now we dont really talk outside of gatherings#i dunno#we're both living our own lives and it takes two to be distant#theres a lot of things i hate about her and its probably mostly stuff that hits my own insecurities#i used to come to her with all kinds of things#now its like she doesnt respond to my lil reachings out so like i dunno#we work for the same fucking college for fucks sake#im prolly always gonna resent her for applying and moving here without telling me and just having me hear second hand#like yes im not blameless but also like fuck her#i continue to prove i dont need her but also i miss her#we only hurt each other when we do talk#the fact my old coworker reminded me of her so much was probably part of why i hated her so bad#fuck people who think theyre better than me (read people i think are better than me)#my mom called today and thats whats got me thinking like this#im great#people love me#im loved#honestly my familys where i get all my abandonment issues#im better off without all of them but by god if thats gonna stop me from like feeling the ache of their absence like a phantom limb
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Lmao okay okay white cishet social manager has now been added to the DEI Pride planning meetings which frankly is important to ensure shit is done right Iโm attending as the multi-tool queer of the division and comms administrator/quartermaster whoโs main role is holding the comms team accountable (my supervisors/head of comms words not mine) so my goal of making sure our Pride and LGBTQIA+ history month campaigns arenโt reductive capitalist rainbow washed nonsense is still a go
#the head of marketing is a cis gay man who i respect highly and like but he's very much into rainbow washing and capitalist pride#as someone who came out much later in life and has been cut off from his community (i can only assume he does not make an effort to connect)#which isย a point of frustration with me i am one of four (?) openly lgbtqia+ members of our divisions not counting students#and its two cis gay men#a she/they lesbian mom who i love but barely work with#and me the grey ace bisexual transmasc nonbinary person aka the multi-tool queer#the two cisgay men don't really register my experiences or queerness as legitimate or on par with their own i'm rarely included in convo#one does at times but only to complain about cishet nonsense or to discuss new shows to watch but our tastes don't line up a ton#the head of marketing does not regard me as an equal in the queer community at all and while i do not deny his input for pride whatsoever#i worry that his social manager will use him being gay as an excuse to be lazy and reductive and only show the cisgay rainbow washed pov#hence me stepping in last year/being brought in by our old social manager (i miss you cody) and comms team last year#because they knew this was a risk and they are all cishet#i feel like this is potentially going to be the breaking point in my polite friendship with her#like we're friendly when its not about work but theres always been something off and i don't like her work/approach#and i just feel like something is going to go wrong her need to interrupt this morning with I MADE A HEADER just felt wrong idk#head of comms chose me for our divisions dei committee as well so i could be part of these internal conversations so again idk#maybe im just on edge because of -gestures at usa right now- and i have absolutely no patience for us fuckin up something out of laziness
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ome day i will be so normal
#thought abt my apartment again sigh. MY CURRENT SITUATION IS NOT BAD RHIS IS NOT THE SAME AS WHEN I WAS IN WA THINKING ABT MY APT#disclaiming bc i dont want 2 worry ppl. im quite happy here im just also excited for when im finally able 2 move out.... i like. truly truly#honest to god think id be able ro shower everyday Which is my goal#like. itll be easier once i live alone and Im the one buying all my shower products and everything#bc rn since i dont have money i have to ask my parents to buy me more shower stuff and i feel so jnsanely guilty. + the general depression#making it hard to shower and all that#but i thnnk once i have my Very own place where i live by myself itll be so much easier to like..do things. bc ill be able tk move abt the#house freely Not that i cant here like im fully allowed i just. Get weird abt everything and ive been doing that even before wa i like#hardly left my room... yk. wa i think actually made it a bit better bc i realized how much i was missing out on LOL. but its still a bit bad#i only leave if i Have a thing to do i never like. Just go sit in the living room or whatever... bc i dont like to intrude#Which is so stupid but whatever. at my apartment i want to try not to lay in bed all day#and my bed will just be for sleeping and ill hang out in my livinf room and itll be all decorated and nice and ill shower EVERY SINGLE DAY !#bc i wont be scared of anything happening (not that anything would here but yk .)#and i might even have a window in my bedroom i used to hateee bedroom windows my family has always been very Blackout curtains#but in wa b4 i was in the garage there was a big bedroom window and it was kinda nice to wake up to sunlight and stuff...#but i also have trouble sleeping if not in complete darkness. so you know..... we will see#also i only want that if im like . Not on the ground floor and its not like a um. If anybody can peek in my windows im getting blackout#curtains im Terrified of being watched through my windows i have nightmares abt ir all the time. Which is funny bc there r no windows in the#garage LOL#i just hate 2 be seen its true. bud all of that will be fixed when i have my apartmenttt :] and in my apartment ill be buying the groceries#so i wont have to feel guilty abt trying new recipes and stuff (not that i have to now bc my family likes trying new recipes and if im being#real i WILL still feel guilty spending money bc i have a complex. but im fantasizing rn so we dont have to worry abt that)#AUGHHH im just excited ik its a ways away but i rly am so excited like :] i would even be able to take baths sometimes i feel rly guilty#taking baths bc i dont like to hog the bathroom but if i lived alone then i wouldnt have to worry abt it#and i could do the fancy baths like with candles and stuff. i used to do that when we lived in my hometown.... and when i have my own place#i could do that whenever i wanted i could even gt one of those fancy bath trays even though they scare me rly rly rly bad bc i get paranoid#avr them falling in . ive never used one injust imagine them falling in andget scared#i also dont fully know how they work if your bathtubs like a built in one yk. bc sometimes theres no rim to rest it on? but whatever. ill#figure it out. hopefully i di have a bathtub And in unit laundry i rly want those but yk i may have 2 settle. but those 2 things would make#my life so good .... and a kitchennn my own kitchen even if its small
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i keep waking up at 2am and then falling asleep and then waking up like 50 mins before my alarm (4:35am, really early i know but i take a while to get ready and prepare myself for work mentally lmao)
also been having a lot of bad dreams lately. idk what that means. must be my mental health taking a nosedive lately
#just not feeling great mentally#thinking too hard about things#it pays not to. that's why i work full time i guess#but i do miss the old days. when i had people to hang out wiht#now im just pretty much always at home#or playing vid games on my own. not even with people online just on my own#i guess i do do random dungeons on wow sometimes but it's not the same. there's zero interaction involved most of the time with randoms#delete later#sorry just needed to vent a lil#dont have people to vent to like i used to#it's either into the void on this hellsite or vent with my art#dont even talk to anyone anymore except for my family and it drives me nuts sometimes#because sometimes they drive me crazy. i need Other People interaction#but i push people away. and if i try to contact ppl they dont respond. i dont blame them because life sucks#and adulthood sucks your energy away#i blame myself for not trying hard enough#anyway vent over. sorry about all this
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People always speak well of me even in rooms iโm not in & every negative work said about me just makes the speaker look 10x as bad.
โโโ-
Everyone who meets or knows me adores me & is charmed by me so much theyโre a little in love with me.
~~~~~~~~
Everyone who fumbled me as both friend & love interest regrets it every day & misses me every day & feels their life is worse without me in it. with no harm to me, so mote it be.
11:11 โMiracleMakeAWishComeTrueSpell๐
Eleven-Eleven, This is a call to all angels in heaven, give me a miracle and make my wish come true!
๐โโญ๐ค๐๐ฆโญ๐ฏ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ง๐ญ๐ฅ๐๐ฎ๐ก๐โ๐๐๐
Like to Charge, Reblog To Cast spell
#i always have people to do all the things i want to do and they invite me#everything always works out for me exactly how i wanted or better#every day i get healthier & wealthier & happier & luckier because i flourish & grow in abundance&love&success&wellness with my every breath#i am a master manifestor and a magnet to all good things bc my life is better than a rom com#i am a magnet to successful opportunities and loving relationships#i can have a bm in 45 minutes bc my digestive system is back to how i was when i was 11#i am a successful womenโs lifestyle journalist and have the job of my dreams#i have such an amazing life i frequently make stas overwhelmingly jealous#my life is as great as allieโs or better & i get 10x as many opportunities as sheโs had to get & have & experience everything i want or mor#all of my wishes come true and the universe/powers that be grant me all that i ask for or better & as ive willed it so it is & so im gratef#i have friends who do cute aesthetic parties & trips with me always included just like juliette d & her friends do#i buy whatever i want because money for fun things comes to me easily in abundance#i am a successful womens magazine writer at conde nast or hearst or meredith magazines#i have a soul tribe and am surrounded by lifelong friends who adore me and really get me#I am a powerful โwitch whose spells & potions always work even better than intended & can manifest instantly&cast spells just w my thoughts#i have new friends who do cute aesthetic parties & trips with me & iโm always included just like juliette d & her friends do#i have that magic it quality&am as charming&magnetic&beloved as stas is 2 every1 who meets or knows me so everyone wants 2 be around me 24/#everyone who hurt me regrets how they treated me and misses me & feels the pain they caused me 10fold with no harm to me#iโm a beauty and fashion journalist by my 30th bday#every day i lose weight from fat and am achieving my ideal body of a tiny waist and hourglass figure and toned arms#my hair is healthy&shiny& does not shed excessively &grows quickly & gets lighter in color every day so its back to strawberry blonde#vic & stas miss me every day & wish they were still friends with me#i have new people and more experiences in my life that excite me and treat me wonderfully#i have a life filled with joy and magical realism & love & success & happiness & good health & fun & abundance & friendship & fulfillment#i am friends with jd & sm & rl & cmcd so i am a welcome & essential part of their friend group & included in all their activities#i am charismatic everyones drawn to me#i am in my reality of highest joy where everything always works out for me or better than i could imagine or ask for#i have a group of close female friends who make a big deal out of my birthday by my 30th bday#my intuition is very strong & gives me clear signs so i trust my own psychicness#kelly misses me & wants us to be bffs again & is a better friend to me constantly than i could ever hope for
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ive been giving myself grief ever since 2013 about not having every step of my life planned out
10 years I claimed depression
i am fine
except now, depression might have me like addiction to an addict
#im getting a late start in life#i let a decade go by feeling sorry for myself#telling myself i was lazy because i didnt have everything in my life planned out#i nearly killed myself with my expectations#now ive gotta learn to live again#i cant say that i have every step planned out#but i think that doing certain things would be cool asf#the hardest part is remembering this#the hardest part is staying true to this#the hardest part is continuing even when it gets tough#I started to blame myself for the loss of my best friend#i am only human#i cannot always do everything right#but i can try and i can accept myself#i want to cry for my best friend#i miss him#God... I really messed up my life#It feels like Ive totally thrown away my future#How can i get back up again#i cant even stand on my own#every day i need help#and i PRAY with every fibre of my being for forgiveness for the soul of that man who is gone now#he is missed#every single day i miss that man#his death meant something to me#it knocked me out of my crazy spiral#he is my savior#Tyrone Alexander Bookard#its cheesy but...#I think he saved my life via martyr
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you and i | lando norris
face claim: bela juliana โก
request: here !
pairing: lando norris x leclerc!reader
requested: Can I request a social media AU leclerc reader x lando based off of the song โYou and Iโ by Rita Ora Thanks so muchhhhh
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liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris and 679,154 others
y/nleclerc oh to be the girl someone writes love stories about
fan I WILL!!!!! give me 10 minutes and garage band i can pull it off!!! โฅ๏ธ y/nleclerc
alexandrasaintmleux every love song is about you gorgeous girl x โณ y/nleclerc when are you gonna stop pretending you like my brother and just date me instead x โณ charles_leclerc ?? rude.
landonorris d4vd is so good! can't wait for his show in london :)
lewishamilton pipe is right there ๐ โณ y/nleclerc that is NOT a love song sir lewis hamilton!!!! โณ charles_leclerc back off grandpa i will put sand in your petrol tank โณ lewishamilton woah calm down there bud i was joking i promise โณ y/nleclerc play nice boys โณ charles_leclerc he started it โณ y/nleclerc well stop, i dont want ferrari in my dm's telling me y'all are throwing hands on the grid โณ georgerussell63 if they do, can someone film it? โณ y/nleclerc ffs
carmenmmundt prettiest girl in the whole wide world ๐ฉท โณ y/nleclerc MWAH MWAH MWAH love you carm ๐
francisca.c.gomes getting ed sheeran on the case rn โณ y/nleclerc i still bawl my eyes out to cold coffee nearly daily โณ pierregasly really y/n? ed sheeran? โณ y/nleclerc ok mr listens to crazy frog when he thinks no one can hear
fan lando being the only one y/n airs everytime โ ๏ธ โณ fan feel bad for him at this point ๐ญ โณ fan y/n you want a lover boy, he is RIGHT THERE
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y/nleclerc uploaded 3 pictures to their story
[caption: y/nnies song recs of the day] replies:
charles_leclerc need to find you a boyfriend immediately so you'll stop posting sappy songs on ig โณ y/nleclerc as long as its not one of your colleagues โณ charles_leclerc whats wrong with them? :((( โณ y/nleclerc i hear enough about cars from you i dont need it from them too
landonorris iris is a certified BANGER
heidiberger wanna go get coffee?? i need you to give me new songs for my danny playlist โณ y/nleclerc y'all are so gross but yesssss โณ heidiberger i think you misspelt cute ๐
fan y/n can i recommend turning page by sleeping at last? i'm not sure if you have it on your playlist already โค๏ธ โณ y/nleclerc team edward FOR LIFE!!!! was one of the songs that got me into my lover girl era โค๏ธโค๏ธ
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liked by charles_leclerc, landonorris and 607,285 others
y/nleclerc garden party with my favourite leclerc saint mleux โค๏ธ
charles_leclerc wow i see how it is... โณ y/nleclerc not my fault your son is cuter than you โณ oscarpiastri aw i knew you thought i was cute ๐ฅฐ๐ฅฐ โณ y/nleclerc the cutest piastri-leclerc! come round for tea soon, i miss my nephew x โณ oscarpiastri will you make that pasta dish again? โณ y/nleclerc i will just for you! โณ landonorris osc save some for me please โณ oscarpiastri get your own y/n this ones mine โณ landonorris just you wait
fan the adoption is going strong i see โณ fan i think y/ns the biggest instigator for it ๐ญ
alexandrasaintmleux am i your favourite saint mleux? ๐ฅบ โณ y/nleclerc always x
landonorris leo!! miss my little man โณ fan day 2947 of y/n airing lando โณ fan leave him be, his little crush is cute
arthurleclerc if leo's your favourite leclerc saint mleux, am i your favourite leclerc? โณ y/nleclerc not even close, that spot is for maman only โณ leclerc_pascale ๐ฅฐ๐ฅฐ
fan where's the dress from?? its so gorgeous!! โณ y/nleclerc it's from a little boutique in monaco! let me see if i can find some alternatives online ๐ โณ fan my queen thank you!!!
fan oh to be at a garden party with the leclercs...
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charles_leclerc uploaded to their story
replies:
fan you and alex are so cute โณ charles_leclerc ๐๐คซ โณ fan what does that mean im scared
fan alex was wearing a floor length dress,, whomstdve is THAT mr leclerc?
arthurleclerc i don't like the way he was looking at her โณ charles_leclerc don't you dare say anything โณ arthurleclerc you want.. lando???? to date our sister โณ charles_leclerc oh he's absolutely smitten, it's cute
y/nleclerc is... is that me and lando? โณ charles_leclerc you guys looked so cute i couldn't help it โณ y/nleclerc stalker alert!!! โณ charles_leclerc deflect all you want, i know you liiiike him โณ y/nleclerc ๐๐
landonorris mate can you send me this please? โณ charles_leclerc yeah sure ๐
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liked by landonorris, charles_leclerc and 679,253 others
y/nleclerc i believe the kids call it serving cunt
alexandrasaintmleux most gorgeous girl in the whole wide world ๐ฉท โณ y/nleclerc come give me a kiss xx
charles_leclerc ??!!!?!?!?!???!!!! text me rn!! โณ y/nleclerc i'm busy โณ charles_leclerc i have a key to your flat, i'm not afraid to use it โณ y/nleclerc damn ok so needy
arthurleclerc and who is that. โณ y/nleclerc why do you wanna know? โณ arthurleclerc oh god its Him isn't it? โณ y/nleclerc you say that like its a bad thing ๐ญ โณ arthurleclerc it is
fan UMMM??? 3rd pic???? deets please miss y/n โณ y/nleclerc if all goes well, i'll give you all a full debrief
fan MOTHERRRRRRRRRRR
fan never mind the man DATE ME!!!! โณ alexandrasaintmleux ^^ โณ lilymhe ^^ โณ lilyzneimer ^^ โณ alexalbon charles stop bringing your sister to races i dont know if i can fight PLEASE โณ y/nleclerc you would lose with those lanky arms wimp
fan poor lando in the likes... watching the girl he fancies go on a date with someone else โณ fan how do you know he fancies her? โณ fan he's constantly in her comments even if she airs him, he gets the goo goo eyes whenever she's near and don't even get me started on hungary 2022 โณ fan ... please continue โณ fan ok SO! she was in the paddock before the race and some guy came up to her and was asking her for a photo and then he asked her on a date ??? like dude use critical thinking skills for one second ... lando was across the paddock with daniel and there's a photo of him somewhere staring DAGGERS into this mans soul... charles came over and shooed the man away and lando literally deflated.. i'll see if i can find the photos โณ fan tag me in them please โณ fan me too! โณ fan me three!! โณ charles_leclerc me four!! โณ fan CHARLES???
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y/nleclerc uploaded to their story
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liked by landonorris, charles_leclerc and 708,256 others
y/nleclerc flowers from lover (?) boy :)
fan oh she's down Bad โฅ๏ธ y/nleclerc
fan guys dont call me delusional but i think she's dating a driver โณ fan charles would burn the world down before he would let that happen โณ fan i gotta say... they have a point, remember when they did that tiktok where they asked drivers who they would introduce their sisters to on the grid and charles said lando immediately โณ fan and then they did the f2 gang and arthur threatened to kamikaze anyone who tried to go near y/n? โณ fan going off the comments i'm putting 2 and 2 together and getting 4 โณ y/nleclerc ironic โณ fan Y/N??????
fan pls show us lover boy its been 84 years i am begging you โณ y/nleclerc it's been like 3 months silly but soon :)
charles_leclerc i know i should feel sick seeing you so happy but it's nice to see you be treated how you deserve โณ y/nleclerc charlie ๐ฅบ โณ alexandrasaintmleux he's giggling and kicking his feet rn โณ charles_leclerc wow โณ fan ik he's picked out a suit for the imaginary wedding โณ charles_leclerc i reject that statement โณ alexandrasaintmleux it's bookmarked on his laptop
landonorris pretty flowers! โณ y/nleclerc thank you :)
fan ???!!!!! SHE REPLIED TO LANDO???? โณ fan i know he's squealing rn โณ fan adding it to my "y/nlando dating REAL" spreadsheet โณ fan omg share the link โณ charles_leclerc yeah share the link โณ fan this feels like confirmation but we all know charles lives for the drama
leclerc_pascale don't forget to bring him to the garden party tonight! โณ fan another one? โณ y/nleclerc we do them quite often in summer!! it's an excuse to drink champagne at 3 in the afternoon โณ fan ur so real for that
carmenmmundt lover boy ๐ that should be me โณ y/nleclerc i've got two hands for a reason babygirl x
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y/nleclerc uploaded 3 pictures to their story
[caption 3: lover boy (no ? this time)] replies:
landonorris lover girl โค๏ธ โณ y/nleclerc lover boy โค๏ธ
charles_leclerc photo creds? โณ y/nleclerc nope!
alexandrasaintmleux its not too late to run away with me x โณ y/nleclerc meet me at the port at midnight, we can steal charles' boat xx โณ alexandrasaintmleux y/n it's charles i will bomb the port. โณ y/nleclerc oh you're Crazy crazy โณ alexandrasaintmleux only for her โณ y/nleclerc gross... put my gf back on the phone
fan the sign ๐ฅน we need to know all the deets โณ y/nleclerc all i will say is he gave me a mixtape :))))) โณ fan A MIXTAPE??? LIKE A PHYSICAL MIXTAPE??? oh we stan
fan WHO !!! IS !!! LOVER BOY !!! โณ y/nleclerc all will be revealed soon ;)
arthurleclerc maybe he has rights โณ y/nleclerc shush you love him โณ arthurleclerc thats before he started fancying ๐คข you ๐คข
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liked by landonorris, charles_leclerc and 789,502 others
y/nleclerc he may not be able to write me love songs, but his voice is my favourite melody โค๏ธ
fan we've officially lost her boys ๐๐
carmenmmundt just looked at george and sighed โณ georgerussell63 ?? why am i catching strays?? โณ lilymhe me with alex โณ alexalbon what he say fuck me for?
fan lover girl x lover boy era <333333 โฅ๏ธ y/nleclerc
fan guys that's lando's necklace i'm like 99.9% sure โณ fan you're onto something there lemme look at pap pics from the last race!
fan guys the flowers are orange... papaya even...
landonorris the guy sure likes his bouquets โณ y/nleclerc yeah he's a real romantic ๐ โณ fan WHERE'S THE FAN WITH THE SPREADSHEET โณ fan I'M HERE !!!!! typing as fast as my fingers can handle!!!!
alexandrasaintmleux just so you know charles is crying at the caption โณ y/nleclerc big softie x โณ charles_leclerc i just have a lot of feelings :(((((
arthurleclerc i will allow him to live another day โณ y/nleclerc i'm sure he's shivering his timbers rn โณ arthurleclerc >:((((
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๐ค landonorris liked by landonorris, alexandrasaintmleux and 903,185 others
y/nleclerc lover boy x
fan miss rabbit has fainted
fan spreadsheet fan we just got a HUGE update โณ fan i'm gonna break my laptop in 2 with my bare hands
charles_leclerc :))))) my scheme worked โณ y/nleclerc i still hate when you do that shit โณ alexandrasaintmleux same ๐
landonorris lover girl x โฅ๏ธ y/nleclerc
landonorris so gorgeous, i love the way you look tonight xx โณ y/nleclerc you said the same thing the night we danced together ๐ฅบ โณ landonorris i meant it then and i mean it now x
mclaren scuderiaferrari we stole your girl xx โณ scuderiaferrari you and your ugly colours can get BACK ๐คบ๐คบ๐คบ โณ fan the girls are fighting!! โณ mclaren UGLY COLOURS??? oh its on
carlossainz55 now he'll stop blowing up my phone about you โณ landonorris nah now i can just annoy you about how cute my GIRLFRIEND is โณ oscarpiastri you've been dying to say that, haven't you? โณ landonorris mate i thought i was going to die
fan sorry can we circle back around to charles saying his scheme worked??? โณ fan yeah charles_leclerc spill. โณ charles_leclerc a magician never reveals his tricks โณ y/nleclerc he forced me and lando to talk at the garden party and then pretended to get a phone call from ferrari so he could play eternal flame over the speakers โณ charles_leclerc y/n :(((( โณ y/nleclerc you used my love song weakness against me, you don't get to have secrets
alexandrasaintmleux can't believe he stole my girl :( โณ y/nleclerc you know my heart is always yours x โณ landonorris WOMP WOMP i didn't pine for years to share
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a/n: thank you for requesting!! i think i've listened to the song about 400 times writing this! needed a lil break from the gote series and this was the perfect thing to get me out of my slump <3
taglist: @golden-hoax
#lando norris smau#lando norris x you#lando norris fanfic#lando norris x reader#lando norris imagine#f1 imagines#f1 x reader#f1 smau#f1 imagine#f1 fic#f1 fanfic
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