#idk if it’s stress related to other stuff at the moment but i just want out i don’t want to be living here

[blueish-bird]

sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive

[permanentreverie]

will i ever have a birthday that i don’t hate with my entire soul

[findingoblivion]

Best Worm character that like didn't get done right in the series? idk ive had worm on the brain all night

okay i'm finally answering this sorry for the delay

but it's OBVIOUSLY amy. like it's so fucking amy. it could not be more amy. yes rachel is a huge dyke and got done so fucking dirty by wildbow in so many ways. even taylor got done dirty to some degree. and then there's alec and brian too of course and plenty of others

but it's amy.

like full stop.

the homophobic lesbian trope that was in the 50s and 60s about how gay people would try and drag you into their lifestyle and influence you and even Good Christians could fall to their dirty tricks and be almost hypnotized?

pure amy.

how disgusting incest is, even when they're not blood related in any way?

yep.

retconning victoria's power so that it doesn't affect everyone unless she wants it to

leaning in even harder to the sexual assault stuff with amy in ward, character assassinating her and acting like she was a disgusting predator the entire time, always intended to assault vicky, and got off on it and not a scared child who warned vicky and tried desperately to prevent her from crossing her boundaries in the most stressful moments of amy's life?

like by far the most universally hated and reviled character in worm is probably amy. yes sophia is up there but do you know how many people forgive sophia for everything she did and write her as a hero with a redemption arc compared to Amy? It's not close.

There are literal servers that will ban you if you defend amy or act like she's a victim at all and don't just immediately and completely condemn her. there are fanfic servers where ANY writing about amy as anything but a horrible villain is condemned and considered toxic and against the rules

all because wildbow wrote a homophobic caricature of a lesbian and then tried to pass it off as him writing a villain and then retconning everything that made her story good until she was a shadow of her former character and then still tried to profit off her arc in ward by making her this even stupider caricature

wildbow is like the worst narrator ever and ward was so much more boring and didn't have any of the things that made worm good, but all of the things that made worm bad

worm itself is flawed because wildbow was (and still is) but is otherwise a great story

victoria dallon i love you but the phone down or text and call me this hate isn't you

amy dallon i am looking directly into your eyes and telling you that i love you and that it's going to be okay, you made a mistake but you didn't meant to, you didn't intend to, it was a moment of weakness that you deeply regret, and you've suffered so much for that. you deserved to be held and loved and improved, you deserve to be shown how beautiful and amazing you are, you deserve to not just be judged solely for your mistakes but for everything you have done. my heart breaks for you and i would like nothing more than to take care of you and love you and hold you tight and close and protect you like my own daughter, you never received that warmth and love and you deserve it perhaps more than anyone else in the world

[fumifooms]

oh, sorry for so many asks, i also wanted to say too though i really agree so much with your chilchuck thoughts so far, even down to your personal headcanons about how things might go post-series. and you're absolutely right, i'll defend that little guy any day myself. you understand him so well and it's kind of relaxing to have someone else dish out this kind of analysis and already agree with all of it cus it's just so real, so thank you again for the Meal <- perhaps the perfect thing to say about dungeon meshi analysis when i think about it

i know you have playlists and stuff so i wanted to share a song i've been listening to that that reminds me of him: divine loser by clem turner

No worries, they’ve been a lot of fun! I do plan on getting back to each one btw, just gotta get through some other things first hopefully. Aaaah that’s really nice to hear 🥺 I do know the feeling haha, it’s always fun to have posts that Get It that you just nod along with 🤝 I’ve thought sooo much about Chilchuck I rotate him in my brain like rotisserie chicken more often than not, glad it all ended up being productive haha. Y’know recently my friends have been calling me a Chilchuck superfan/scholar jokingly and it actually made me have a realization moment of…

Bc I’ve always said Laios was my fave and like, he does mean everything to me idk if I’ve ever felt so seen as with Laios, I relate to him sooo much, but then. Okay alright that can be a different thing than a character being your favorite fine FINE I admit it Chilchuck’s my top blorbo. He’s so.🧍‍♂️I can’t even describe. He’s so….. He’s a clown but he’s also perfection in its best imperfect form I will not be taking further questions today. My friend called him my silly rabbit like that one meme and it makes me laugh sm

Thank you for the music rec!! I listened to it and yes agreed, sent straight to my Chil playlist. Songs are my bread and butter when I have character brainrot bc like with web weavings I feel like there are so many emotions and thoughts you can communicate about something so simply through one… (Which for anyone interested here’s my web weaving tag, got 2 about Chil). Gonna link all my dunmeshi playlists while I’m here: Dungeon Meshi, Chilchuck & his wife, marchil, Mithrun.

Ok everyone saw this coming but this ask ran away from me and I ramble about some song lyrics I associate with Chil & different facets of his life below the cut. Some people find my, ehem, heated rambles about Chil entertaining, this is your cue to get out the popcorn.

When thinking about songs for Chil I have 3 angles I take: About Chilchuck, about him and his wife, or about him & Marcille. Marchil is so engraved into me with their arcs together, that they’re like the concept of closure and letting go and letting yourself live again to me, sorry for all the non-enjoyers…

I think currently my top song for him is Jackrabbit by San Fermin, because it combines all three it makes me go wild. It’s about trepidation… Throwing yourself into it even despite the fear (working with traps, survival in poverty where you have to rush & hustle), or just staying there paralyzed(not reaching out to his wife). Flight or freeze!! Saying goodbyes and saying hellos!! Not dying alone!! The life cycle of a wild rabbit living and dying, the baton pass race of life from generation to generation!! Chil and his daughters even!!! Going through life at a frenzied pace!! It is so Chilchuck and so marchil, and the music does give that hurried and scared energy to me too, and sigh the Marcille side to it with fear of death too…

Extra fun context but the other day on the discord server we were talking about what animal each character’s fursona would be as we do and I thought of a rabbit for Chilchuck: Quick footed, ‘cowardly’, small and frail and seen as weak 🙃, athletic and slender, pulls stunts, stressed out, has very fine hearing and has good instincts, etc. And ofc that fits really well with Marcille since she’s kinda associated with dungeon rabbits hehe~ But I think while Marcille’s 100% the cute round rabbit Chil’s more like a brown hare, more wild and like, more like a jackalope if we’re still doing monsters... I do lowkey find it more fun than his associated monster being mimics because he’s crabby, because they’re clever (with where they place themselves) and because of how he has a soft shell but soft insides, lol.

OKAY so that’s my song pick with the main 3 facets sure, now I’ll share some lyrics for each 3 sides separatedly 😈 Kinda summarizing my web weavings for him thus far. If we start with Chilchuck by himself we have… Enter One by Shelby Merry and Drunk by The Living Tombstone

With his wife, we have the bad end, and the good end for if they get back together with Lost Kitten by Metric and North by Sleeping At Last… Okay okay plus Love Like Ghosts and My Heart is Buried in Venice… Little Soldier by The Crane Wives for them also RUIN me

And Marchil… Marchil oh my beloved. Another buddy also made a full analysis on discord about Soap by The Oh Hellos for them lol, but these are Not I by I Fight Dragons and My Heart is Buried in Venice again~

Okay okay two more. Boats & Birds by Gregory and The Hawk, and Tummy by Tamino.

Finishing it up with quotes from, in order, A Softer World by Joey Comeau, Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoevsky, Acknowledgements by Danez Smith, The Letter by Richard Paul Evans, and last but not least posts from dead tumblr account flintcoded. I keep looking around and finding MORE fitting quotes. Someone stop me- In loving me you hold a knife at my throat, in loving you I tell you exactly where to cut. Forgive me, memory is a rope around my neck. I need you to be happy, I need one of us to be happy.

Hand in unlovable hand…

In conclusion;

[ancha-aus]

Random thought on the baby AU, you don't have to do anything with that lmao I just wanted to share

What if the corruption was still there but was in a dormant state deep inside Nightmare's soul ? Like what if the balance got so much better for x reason and that caused the corruption to retract in order to not mess it up again ? The corruption isn't entirely gone, it is just inactive, waiting like a volcano that seems calm but can blow up anytime

Now given that, what if one day something happens to the group, either someone tries to harm them for x reason or an old enemy finds out about then and tries to get revenge, and the corruption just, awakens,,,

The corruption takes over once again, giving Nightmare his strength back, enough to protect his gang, and dissappears once more when everyone is safe again to go back to that dormant state, Nightmare returning to his baby form like nothing happened

Don't get me wrong I love the baby trope but the baby becoming feral and overpowered the moment his family is in danger trope ? I would die for it

Anyway random thought goes brrrr have a nice day ! Or night, idk, it's currently nighttime where I live

Ooh interesting thought.

mmh let me think for a moment.

While it wouldn't work in the story now. Mostly because the corruption is apple related and the magic of the apples/balance is retracting that doesn't mean it can't happen.

I think the triggering would be more emotions/balance related. Which, in moments of crisis would be very negative because of fear, panic, stress, hatred etc.

It could work kinda like a sponse in that way... If there is a high level of these emotions it means something is UP so the corruption would react accordingly. Becoming active to either give nightmare the ability to 1. absorb the negative emotions. or 2, deal wiht whatever is causing this disbalance.

This would mean that it could also work the other way around but lets not talk about that because that makes me sad that if baby experiences a lot of happiness or those around him do that the corruption acts up again 😭baby deserves happiness and no stress.

But I myself am also a fan of very surprisingly strong baby :3 it is always a nice treat!

Not what I got planned for the AU but it is a fun idea to think about and figure out when and how it would work :3 But yeah if i did something like the corruption becuase dormant i would have probably done it like i explaned above :3 Either way after the disruption to the balance was dealt with the corruption would disappear again and baby would be baby again, now a whole lot more confused because he did not expect to be able to do that...

Nightmare would also get a strict talking to because you are a baby and you shouldn't get yourself in danger just to defend us! You are baby and just suposed to be safe and let us deal with grown up stuff.

He would also get so much ice cream to celebrate the epic beatdown he gave lmao!

[rin-and-jade]

Okay, so we've tried several times to write an ask, and each time we just..stop ?? So this time instead of explaining in detail n shit and saying how much we're sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, I'm just gonna write :/

So, we're kind of stuck, in the sense that idk if I'm/we're(both pronouns feel wrong lol) a system anymore and,wdk what to do about it.

Because basically 5-6 years ago, when we were around 10(i think, but at this point i only know the story through the "telephone" of our retellings) our brain tried to just.. get rid of most of the DID. I'm not even ducking kidding, i think it tried to lower barriers and smush most of us together, to the best of it's ability. From what I've gathered, it planned on shoving all our trauma deep down in the innerworlds, and hiding them from the main kid. Like, getting rid of thousands of fragments, banking them in little crevices of our brain etc.

That procedure was supposed to make it so the main kid could have more of their life for them- without access or even knowledge of the sheer size of the abyss and pain in background, and thus being less affected by it till they were old enough to deal with it. Idk how to explain really, especially since i myself barely understand.

In any case, it went wrong. I don't know why much, as our memory has increasingly deteriorated since to the point i have nearly no knowledge left. I'm not sure even all that ever happened, because maybe I'm just inventing stuff and creating a story were there is none, and I'm scared that what i know isn't real and just my imagination or smth

And what's left is..me i guess. I kinda feel like a fragment in the sense that i have limited consciousness and just..person-space(if that makes sense ?) I'm not sure if I'm several people, one person, an eldritch entity of kinda seperate kinda not glued together entities.

Idek what i want to be. I want to be a full person, that's for sure, but other than that ? Idk. I'm lost, I'm a mix of tons of different opinions and vague, weak, feelings, and flashes of blurry memories and desires that don't belong to me.

So.. i know you probably can't help, but do you have.. any idea on what I could do ? Or if others have been in similar situations and if it got better ?

This is a very long ask x knows, and it's desperate, and you aren't our/my psychs so I shouldn't just dump this and hope you have answers, and I'm so sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, but yeah.

I'm sorry.

Dissociative disorders do the job, but not perfectly, what you're explaining from the words of "nearly no knowledge left" sounds like retrograde amnesia, where it is near to impossible to remember anything from the past.

I also get a bit on what you mean with not knowing who you are,, that is usually close to a blurry moment? Because everything feels jumbled, its not clear, it is hard to discern wether there's multiple or not, etc. That could sound like it;

Have you been exposed to stress? Especially long term? Has anything awful been happening? Many factors can affect memory and recognizing who you are that can stem from basic needs that are neglected like sleep or rest if you're working for long periods, or deficiencies on vitamins/minerals/nutrition because they also play a part on fending off brain fog which can cause many issues like memory recall or trouble focusing,, or it can be to even deeper issues like stress as i said before, or if it is related to trauma, or any sustained physical injuries but it could be anything really.

Im guessing this is something that didn't happen in such a short time, but i do can give you some stuffs to do for starters:

Write down everything you can notice those feelings, those lingering sense of identity, or vibes, or thoughts, they are truly jumbled and it helps you organize and recognize your situation better if you have a physical record of what you're experiencing

Find the cause of problem If you can, try digging up anything you can find that could be the culprit, maybe before things get too foggy to remember that could serve as clues, and by checking with your current health (physically and mentally and emotionally) and see what could be fixed.

For sense of fulfillment It is overwhelming to know which or where you have to start from if you want to learn more of yourself, while you can do number 1 to jot down things you don't align with, this also gives you some ideas on what could be yours. Start somewhere small, like, how you like your daily morning, or preference in eating food, or the colors you think it looks cool.

It would also be great if you can leave out the tiniest bit of context next time, so my answers for now are rather vague and less pinpointed/specific. Though atleast still can suffice as a starting point to tackle your issues.

You can contact me anytime via ask box or DMs, let's see how things go for you okay?

- j

[never-ending-fanfic]

OCD Kallus WIP

@sapphic-loser16 and @seth-shitposts thank you for asking about it 💙🩵💙

(Disclaimer #1: if you're a person with OCD and you don't relate to this or think this is unrealistic compared to your experience- idk what to tell you. I write this for me and it reflects my point of view, OCD is not black and white, it's different for everyone, so yknow, don't like, don't read

I did something similar when I was invested deeply into the Atla fandom and I'm doing it here- projecting my experience onto a character, as nice way to put my own mentality in perspective. In short: OCD is a bitch, so I'll use it to torture a character)

TW: mention of intrusive thoughts, compulsions, non-graphic violence. I'll place a cut here

The thing about OCD Kallus WIP is: do I think Kallus could have OCD based on the show? No. Will I give him one in fanfiction? Absolutely.

I don't really think I'll even publish it- it feels personal in this wild manner. I might change my mind sometime. But in the meantime, the general idea consists of this (and bear with me, it's long):

Kallus has had OCD ever since childhood, but he doesn't remember that well. He can recall a few strange things he made himself do just to be safe, but not much beond that. In the Empire he didn't have the symptoms, because when he was in the academy, a medic prescribed him meds for said symptoms and they worked (who cares that he had a ton of side effects like insomnia and stuff like this, it worked so he didn't complain). And slowly he forgot he's ever had to deal with that.

After he defects, it's logical that he doesn't take the meds anymore. For a while it's fine, he got a dose before Atollon happened so it still works for some time. Until it doesn't, of course.

All the intrusive thoughts, all the paranoia and all the obsessions hit him like a train one sunny, lovely day when he's having tea with Hera and they're talking gossip about the base. And then he gets a very visual idea to pull out a blaster and shoot Hera in the head. It's very explicit and he clearly sees every part of it happening almost in front of his eyes.

And he's (kriffing rightfully so) terrified. And because he's never been in therapy or recieved any sort of help except those blasted meds, he spirals into panic pretty quick. He gets more thoughts like that, about not only the Spectres but anyone he interacts with, about hurting them, assaulting them or killing them. The thoughts appear out of the blue at any moment and he's never prepared for them. Assuming that he's going crazy, he doesn't tell anyone, scared of what the people might thing and scared of loosing everything he has because of it. He tries to take care of it by himself- by distancing himself from people he's scared of hurting, by never going near weapons, by throwing his own blaster away, he's even avoiding kitchen knives and forks, because he know that with his training, it could be turned into a deadly weapon.

The others see it and try to help, but he only distances himself further and further, to the point that he's scared of leaving his room, imagining he might hurt someone if he goes out.

Oh right, add to that a huge number of rituals he has to do now, to keep everyone around safe from himself- he needs to turn the light in his room on and off five times, because if he doesn't, he's going to stab Sabine in the back, tap his fingers together in a pattern before settling for the night or else he will blow the base up. And he doesn't want any of that to happen, so he does all these things and more.

And then one day the Spectres decide to use force to get him out of his room and he finally agrees for the sake of looking somewhat like his normal self in front of them. They have dinner on the Ghost. Before he can grab a fork though, he claps his hands in a pattern. He reaches for a fork and hears Ezra snort, asking what was that he did with his hands. Kallus' blood runs cold at the thought that someone saw him and he's so stressed that he feels the urge to flee- he needs to perform a ritual, but he can only do that when nobody else is around. And he almost does so, before Zeb stops him and a whole mess starts because Kallus panics and says he absolutely needs to get out and go to his room and Zeb, misunderstanding the situation, is insistent on him staying. And then Kallus blurts out that if he doesn't go to his room this instant, he could kill the entire crew and he doesn't want to do that, so will Zeb please let him go, so he can-

And then Zeb let's him go. And they all watch stunned as Kallus bolts out of the Ghost.

No plot beyond that, I have no idea what goes on besides that, but I know that- the ending is gonna be happy, with the crew realising what is going on and chasing any info on what OCD is, Kallus goes to therapy, gets diagnosed and gets the necessary resources to battle that fuckery with the help of his family and they live happily ever after the end

I kinda felt like crying as I was writing this down

(Disclaimer #2: OCD is a fucked up thing to have and just to be sure that I said it, just so I can carry on with a clear conscience: intrusive thoughts are NOT some unspoken desires of your mind that you actually want to happen- intrusive thoughts are chaotic wild messes of things you fear you're capable of doing and you're so terrified of doing them that you must perform tasks so they don't happen- it doesn't make any sense and believe me, anyone with OCD is aware of how irrational it sounds, you don't need to tell us. But it works like that. Intrusive thoughts are things we would never do, but they scare us so badly to the point of making up inexistent connections between them and our compulsions.

And for the last fucking time, OCD DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A CLEAN FREAK WHO JUST LOVES ORGANISING THINGS BY COLOUR- and if a person with actual OCD does that, it's certainly not because they like it)

[chumby4life]

Some cute and funny screengrabs from Maison Ikkoku that i liked

GAAHH this was such a good show, so just heartwarming idk. I watched it over a period of a few months, one ep a day during my work breaks. It's the perfect show for that, a lighthearted sitcom with some really heartfelt moments. Just a nice and relaxing reprieve from stressful work. And it's a wonderful example of the found family trope (i'm always weak for that stuff) and I feel like the show presents grief in a really nice way even when it can be silly at times.

I love how the two main characters, Godai and Kyoko, are around my age (although they do get older thru the series) because I feel like it's hard to find anime that focuses on twenty-somethings. Godai's struggles as a college student and later finding a good job were pretty relatable for me tbh.

As for Kyoko, her whole character conflict was, so...poignant? Spoilers, but she is introduced as someone who was widowed at 22, a pretty young age for that. You get the sense from her that her life has ended before it really began - she married just a few years earlier, she had a taste of feeling fulfilled and complete, only for it to be taken from her. Now the manager of the boarding house belonging to her late husband's family, it really seems like she's living in the shadow of the past, and is reluctant to move on. Hell, she named her dog after her husband, maybe just so she has an excuse to keep saying his name. She just seems so trapped within herself for a good portion of the series.

Not to mention that her husband was actually her high school geology teacher...haha. Which I really feel conveys her tendency to refrain from stepping out of her comfort zone. I mean, she had it all set up nicely - she gets to spend her days with someone who was already a constant in her life, someone who taught her and guided her through unfamiliar territory. Maybe this extended into a desire to be guided through life, to ease the burden of making one's own choices. Don't get me wrong, Kyoko is more than capable of handling things on her own, but doesn't everyone kind of want to be led and taken care of through life's difficulties, at least a little bit? And with her spouse gone, she feels lost and scared, as anyone might.

With all this in mind, it's funny that we see Kyoko frequently frustrated with Godai's lack of maturity at first, as he was likely a far cry from the mature person that her husband was. And, of course, Kyoko's late husband kind of reminds me of the whole "dead wife" trope you see in action movies, you know? Those scenes where we see the protag's memories of their dead wife, so angelic and perfect and running on a beach or something. Because only in death can someone become perfect, I guess. How is Godai supposed to measure up to that? Obviously, he can't. And he can't expect that of himself, nor can Kyoko.

Eventually, though, Kyoko does get to experience an entirely new kind of love and romance through Godai. Instead of being led through life as she may have once wanted, these two help each other through their struggles equally, and it's really satisfying to witness.

Good show good show, also it has one of my favorite anime op's... The op for one episode has Gilbert O'Sullivan's "Alone Again" as its music. That is so strange and yet kind of fitting for the series lol. Anyways rant over I recommend this one

[coff-in]

I feel like whenever I’m having a bad day (or in this case, few months), I see other people have bad days too. It’s crazy how the world works and we all unite together to have either crappy or happy moments; it’s kind of wholesome that we all are brought together through our experiences and can share those vulnerabilities. It makes me feel a little better knowing I’m not isolated or alone, and that I’m not the only person with problems or struggling to get by.

I saw your last post, you said to ask about pressure, so I’m asking: How do you deal with pressure?

This is what I do when I feel stressed (maybe you’ll find some relief in this too): It’s a rule for me to always cry when something goes wrong, because crying released happy chemicals!

If I’m still bothered, I sleep for a few hours, take a Power Nap or just sleep and see if it still bothers me. If it still bothers me, I eat strawberry mochi. I also like coloring in those coloring books with flowers and a inspiring quote, it makes me feel better. When I’m sad, I always put on some Lo-fi or old love songs.

I always try reading Andrew Graves x reader content—or, at least what I haven’t seen. It’s a small fan base for separate Andrew Graves content. It’s how I discovered you a few months ago too! I enjoy looking for your work on my dashboard and I’m excited to see what you do next.

I hope thing’s get better for you, Coff-in! Never be ashamed or feel guilty about your own feelings or mental health. Don’t worry about time or rushing things, rushed work is never good work. Always remember to take breaks and worry about yourself; it’s your life after all. From one human being to another, take care of yourself. 💜⭐️

hi stellar :D when i asked ppl to send me questions about pressure, i meant the roblox game pressure ^^; this is ok tho!! no harm no fowl! (or is it foul? fowl is a bird, huh)

when i get stressed i usually get take a nap, maybe eat something, or watch youtube to distract myself. crying sounds really nice but i can't cry easily, sadly :( i also just try to draw! i like drawing and i find it easy to just pick up a pencil and doodle something :3 i also do it when i'm bored

its a tad bit hard for me to realize that "oh this blog is my blog, i can do with it what i want". or maybe i do realize that but still feel like i can't do certain things. hm. hm hm hm. so neat, such whimsy :3 i also relate to you seeking out andrew graves x reader content, but recently for me i've been searching out sebastian solace x reader fics. idk if people know this but im mostly a selfshipper, so seeing the whole zerum drama happen in that fandom is like... idk kinda silly to me. tldr: people were mad that the co-creator of the game (zerum) shipped her oc (zerum) with the shopkeeper sebastian. there's obviously more to it than that, but it reminded me when i was younger and i made a boyfriend oc for my persona (who i also sometimes wrote/referred to him as her brother... huh)

i'm going to be busy with work again, so hopefully i'll be able to write more since i usually start writing when i'm trying to avoid work or just to get away from it ^^; i hope that you're still doing well despite these hard months! i think it's a bit too easy for some to cur inward and isolate themselves from others. it was kinda nice being away from my coff-in blog. i do not say this as in 'i want to leave', but it was nice to just... idk feel like i didn't have to write? or take my time. i felt kinda bad tho, like there was a lingering thought in my head that i was deceiving you all. i was still able to write, so why wasn't i writing? stuff like that i guess

thank you for sending your ask, please take care of yourself!! <3

[bots-and-cons]

So...

I'm just gonna put the stuff you guys need to know here and vent a bit later in the post. The deal is, I don't really know what's going on with me, so I'll be taking a bit of a break, about a week or so I'm hoping. I'm still planning on opening the requests somewhere around seven in the evening tomorrow (Finland time, I don't remember the time zone but probably EET at this time of year), so it would be about 32 hours from now. I'll make an announcement post tomorrow when I open the requests, so maybe turn on notifications for this blog so you don't miss it, if you want to send a request. The requests will be open for 24 hours or a bit more, depending on how many request I get.

Me complaining starts here, so if you don't want to read, don't.

Like I said, I don't really know what's going on with me at the moment. I feel irritated and overwhelmed with pretty much everything, and I don't know what's causing it. I've got major impostor syndrome about the whole "I'm pretty sure I've go autism thing", because what if I don't? What if I just came up with all this stuff and started acting like I'm autistic because I thought I have autism? I don't have an official diagnosis, and Idk if I even want to go through the whole process for that, but I'm gonna talk about it with my psychiatrist next week.

I mean I'm like 99% sure I have autism, because I've been doing research and looking back on my life for almost the last year. I've also been talking to family and long time friends too and as long as I just ask about things without mentioning it's related to autism, they've confirmed a lot of the stuff I can't remember myself. My BFF of 17 years also got her ADHD diagnosis recently, so I'm starting to understand why she's the only friend I can stand regularly, and who doesn't cause my social battery to die immediately. It's the same for her with me, and neither of us has other friends who we are in contact with regularly.

I'm also waiting for the school acceptance email. It's supposed to come on 15th of June at the latest, and I'm pretty nervous about it. I did get all the credits I needed on time, and I also did the whole application thing on time, so it should be fine. I just won't stop stressing about it until I get the email, no matter which way it goes. I'm really looking forward to going to school in the fall, and I hope I get accepted to the degree program.

I hope you're all doing well and even thought I'm stressed, I'm actually doing pretty good :D

[0809sysblings]

3, 4, 11, 12, 14, 21 for Mikoto aaanndd 1, 2, 6, 12, 13 for Amane 👀

my beloveds!!!!

💚 🐈🐕 ☔🚬 🥞🍮 💙

Mikoto

3. Favorite non-MV official illustration?

I think.... the 3rd anniversary artwork, perhaps... just really like the lighting and atmosphere of it...

4. Favorite Minigram episode/moment?

episode 41 (source)

11. What are your favorite points about their story and the narrative surrounding them?

I.... my thoughts are much too abstract for me to be able to put them into words, let alone coherent ones. I uh. I like. Stress. Amnesia. Trauma. Survival. Defense. Toxic Environment. Abuse. Always. Yeah.

hope this helps 🤠👍 (im so fucking sorry)

12. What do you wish would be discussed more often about them in the fandom?

I wouldn't say I'm super involved with most of the fandom tbh, so I don't particularly know all too well what is and isn't talked about by people... but.. I'd maybe like to see some more discussion on aspects of him that are like... not just about The Alters. since theres a lot more to DID than just having alters, and of course there is more to a person with DID than just their DID. I'm always a slut for talking about psychology and the impacts of trauma, so... perhaps more trauma discussion. I do know there's already people who talk about this stuff, so tbh this is mostly just what I myself want to eventually get around to talking about but mKFMDF yeah.

14. Any headcanons on their appearance?

I'm not usually one to hold many headcanons when it comes to something like appearance (or to hold many headcanons, period), but.. uh... idk. something really stupid and small like he has a permanent writer's callus/bump. there just ain't no way he doesn't have one y'know?

21. Do you have any similarities with them/relate to something in them?

oh dear... Indeed I Do. I guess to start, I am also 23 lol. we have sorta similar styles of dress. we are both artist-jocks. we have generally similar personalities. we are both DID havers, and one of us is honestly pretty similar to John mFKMDKFDSF. he even has an undercut my god... and then Another one of us also reminds me a lot of the Third Alter/Midokoto/Doe/whatever you wanna call him. his hair is even green wowie! ... oh and his name is also something that can be related to Mikoto, god damn.. the Kayano System is copying us.. get their asses, call them out, cancel them!!! /j anyway. more.

you know that part in Neoplasm. this one?

Es: … You really… do laugh when you're suffering, huh? Mikoto: Huh? Es: You don't get angry. You don't scream. You laugh, like it's a minor inconvenience.

yeah that came for my fucking throat. he just like me fr...

other things as well, but that's enough about that.

Amane

1. Favorite song lyrics?

I wish I could just copy and paste like the entirety of The Purge March, but this part in particular has gotta be my favorite:

After you cry, repent, and kneel, it's now your turn to say that hopeless "I'm sorry" You're sorry? I don't care! Please, go ahead and die already Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of "I'm sorry" that I said to you?

2. Favorite MV moment/frame?

I am in love with this frame <3

6. Favorite relationships with another character in the prison?

0308, 0208, and 0608 !!!!!!! so like. tbh the only prisoners she still interacts with/that still interact with her lmao... her dynamic with Shidou is also interesting and I'm excited to see where it goes! I think she deserves to get one stab at him. not because I don't like Shidou or think he deserves to be stabbed. but because Amane deserves to do whatever she wants all the time <3 !! like c'monnn one stab won't kill him, let her do it, it's fiiiiiine. it'll be good for both of them.

12. What do you wish would be discussed more often about them in the fandom?

again, not that involved with the fandom so not sure what is and isn't already discussed. frankly I think she should just be discussed more, period <3. so. Everything. Discuss Everything About Her More. Never Stop Discussing Her. I Don't Want To Stop Seeing Essay-Length Analysis Posts About Her Until I'm At Least 35.

13. Any ideas on what would they and their MV be like if they got a different verdict in T1?

a VERY VERY good question that I have wondered about myself! ...unfortunately I've yet to come up with much of an answer though. I really just. have no idea. the only thing I can think of is she may have continued to severely downplay her abuse, I guess (like she still does I think. but you know. like Magic-level downplay)... may have stayed a bit friendlier and more "herself"? maybe her Trial 2 MV would've acted more staged again like Magic was...? I Got No Idea........

TY for the ask!!!!

[youremyheaven]

Hey, I always end up here for some reason. I actually do have a lot of people I want to ask about but it would take an eternity, but I would like to ask about relationships. I never dated but I did attract the boys I liked, some moments just happened for 1 or more years but I couldn't date them or anything, I don't regret nothing but I do remember them messing bad and it always ends up with me and my dignity, and I choose latter. They do remember and "seem" to like me even after months, as I heard from my friends after I stopped talking to them which I don't what's happening like where was your courtesy before? With such failed attempts in barely seeing them made me question my own taste. If I remember I know they reciprocate the feelings from here and there but they never told me directly, it's like I've to put efforts which I mostly don't and I don't want to assume anything so I just have to move on. I take my time and they end up doing bizzare things so I create some distance. There was a guy who did confess after whole ton of my hardwork but it was such a trashy experience, I didn't settle of course but my goodness never in my life again. I just gave up on this matter overall, let's see what happens next. I want to be a little delusional for a while. Can you talk about V a little bit, I was curious because I relate to him a lot and I thought of it as romantic before but I don't think it's the same now, I don't know what I'm trying to say but you haven't talked about him much either and I wished to hear this from your side? So if you just want to add something? Maybe I'll know myself a little too? Can you also talk about my attraction to such partners and them being weird?

i dont know if i entirely understood what you were trying to say

but basically you attract boys you like but even if they seem to like you, you don't get them to confess or be straight up with you??

IF this is what you meant,

boys who dont tell you they like you are weaklings. a lack of clear communication means they dont like you enough to risk their pride getting bruised. if a guy genuinely likes you, he'll risk it all and be straightforward with you

guys hold back when they have multiple thoughts running through their head and ideally their only thought should be bagging u

what goes on in their heads is none of our business and it doesnt matter. a guy who does not actually be clear with his intentions and does not pursue you is NOT worth your time. leave them in the dust.

idk how young you are but since you say you dont have any experience dating , i feel like saying this, its okay to want to be desired and wanted by others. there is nothing wrong with it. its biological and natural.

so ask yourself if you just wanted a bunch of admirers or if you actually wanted to date these guys

i know it can be really confusing and stressing as well tbh when someone gives you mixed signals but honestly just leave it at that. theyre being shady because THEY have shady intentions. no man with actually good intentions would hesitate to approach you directly my queen<333

idk how useful this is but im someone with a very "a win is a win" mentality lmao in the sense that if i liked someone and they liked me back, thats a win 😌😜

you did hear from your friends that those guys liked you, so likeeee 👀💅🏻

the number of people who like you, who you have mutual liking with etc will always exceed the number of people you actually date bc thats just math

if 10 guys like u and u like them back, u cant date all 10 in one go (or maybe u can but u'd have to figure that one out urself 🤡)

alsooo men being weird is just ://// how a lot of men are. many guys are straight up bizarre ://// dont take that stuff personally

about V (taehyung), he's actually my least favourite BTS member tbh,, idk if its because he's a Revati Moon (atmakaraka) with Mars in Uttara Ashadha amatyakaraka or what but he's always struck me as a guy who was kinda tough to be around. i dont think he's horrible or anything but his Shravana Venus, UA Mercury and Mars, Moon conjunct Ketu,,, its a weird combo,, he himself is a bit offbeat and eccentric but he would expect his partner to be kinda traditional and modest. i just dont like malefic influenced men i guess :///

something about his sweet boy act feels insincere to me. and as someone who has been around manyyyyy Revatis ,, i dont like that ADHD type behaviour they exhibit (im not making fun of anyone who actually suffers from ADHD and nor am i equating a mental condition with a nakshatra, i just dont know how else to describe the way manyyy Mercurials act??? yk all those funny reels and tiktoks about how gen z has a short attention span and communicate in a weird way bc they're chronically online, yeah, thats how a lot of Mercurials act)

a bit of a self-drag but i went to a girls school until i was 15 and had never interacted with a guy my age, after switching to a co-ed school at 16, i had to learn how to deal with guys from scratch. its a whole different world ill tell u. i think atp due to your lack of experiences with dating, you just dont know what to expect and how to deal with it. and thats okayyy,, this is just a part of life and youll figure it out for yourself as you go. dont stress out too much and dont worry about it tbh,, there are 8 billion people on this planet, there has to be a decent guy who will be honest, as well <333

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

NOPE

NOPE

NOPE. NOPE :)

NOPE

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Sadder than I have ever been

Okay that's exaggerating but

With a tv show one of the saddest xd

A MEMORIALLLLLL 😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔

I AM NOT OKAY

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU SHAUN

I'M SORRY I LOVE YOU BUT I DO NOT CARE

Okay okay I can calm down

About that at least

I swear Shaun if you focus on other stuff even to avoid your pain I will die

Yeah I get it Lea :'(( that sucks

And yeah I am sorry Shaun xd

Yeah

Ope???

WHAT THE HECK DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS

OH GOSH that's awful o.o

Lim????

Uhhh not this time xdd 😭😭💔

Oh noooo :'(((

Bro he literally can't operate xd

Oh gosh this is all so chaotic 😭😭💔 not good stuff xd

Not gonna lie kinda angry that we have a big event to be focusing on when Asher literally just died but maybe it'll help distract me xd

Well

The Good news is

The Rookie couldn't possible go worse

Knock on wood

I'm just sitting here in silence

My gosh

Huh

Wow

Gosh xd

Okay, that's the last my last thoughts, now it's time for the. . .

REVIEW

. . .

I really loved this episode!! I don't think I can ever watch it again xdd

sigh

I want to do this while my emotions are fresh (and it'll distract me) but also I don't know if I can bear to

Especially sitting here (not literally) in the emotions of it all

Maybe a quick one

Idk

He deserves better than that though also xd

Maybe quick with a longer one later?

. . . I want to just go forget about it

But I think I need to process it

Because I'm still shocked and denial

I genuinely did enjoy this episode. I thought it was really well done, and I really liked the storylines in it. And, even though I am absolutely heartbroken, I'm glad Asher at least had good final moments, and the drama his death deserved.

Here's what I'll say about what I knew.

This morning, I woke up and saw and article along the lines of "'The Good Doctor' kills of lead. . ." or something along those lines. I quickly swiped it out of the way and stressed xd. Later, another one came (and here's the surprising part that I did not mention earlier, I believe in my review of last episode) that said something similar, "'The Good Doctor' kills of. . ." (something along those lines) and then, under that, something like "Related to: Jerome Martel". Genuinely, the most likely thing I expected was for Jerome to die. I later saw another article that I quickly avoided sight wise, then covered as I scrolled by down to swipe the notification away. And I glimpsed a picture and Asher and Jerome. I really thought Jerome might die.

I'm glad he survived xd.

But I also believe I thought to myself "I'd rather anyone else. I mean, not Asher, or" and then basically thought of "okay I don't want anyone to die" xd.

Hh.

It's been 25 minutes since I finished the episode xd.

Gosh

Okay, a few quick things about other people

So, I guess,

Onto the individual parts

Dom! Missed you today buddy ❤️. Sure you're slaying, see you again soon :).

Shaun and Lea! Oof on the what's-it-called-ing Steve xd. It's rough and I think they may want to let up sometimes but hopefully it helps them <3. I also hope the complaint doesn't affect Shaun too much, but at the same time, he has been treating Charlie unfairly. Anyway, love them.

Charlie! Segway xd. I feel bad for her. She genuinely was doing really good, and she just made a mistake at the wrong moment. I think Shaun should've been calmed, but I do think she needed to learn that that was not the moment to ask. It sucks, I hate the feeling of being told that I need to stop because someone's trying to focus and I just made a mistake. But she needed to, and I think this is an iffy thing to push her over the edge and make a report. At least I hope the report is on other things, not that specific event. She had some good moments this episode though, love her.

Park! Not too much going on, but he slayed on the case :). It sucks the way it turned out for the patients :(. Also, him at the wedding was sweet :')). Love him <3.

Morgan! Again, not too much, though her conversation with Lim was hilarious lol. Poor Lim in that conversation xD. Of course Morgan's hears all the tea though lol. I also like that she defended Charlie sharing her story :). Anyway, she slayed <3. Love her.

Kalu! He slayed today too :)). Glad that he too- well, not really defended Charlie, but was kinda on her side sometimes. Like they said, they're looking out for the interns :')). I really liked the bit where he quickly explained and she was cool with that - I think it just shows that she can be worked with, if you put in the effort and listen and be patient. Anyway, love him <3.

Glassman and Lim! I'm glad they worked everything out in the end, and that it did help Lim with her mom :'). I'm thinking this was mainly for that, and also so Glassman can have someone to be with in the last season. I still think it was a funky thing to do xd, but I'm glad they're happy lol. And I think it's good what he told Lim, that she can start getting closer with her mom :')). And I'm so sorry for Lim, that she and Clay broke up :((. Her line about being alone nearly broke me (though don't worry, I just had to wait for later for that) 😭❤️. I'm glad it's hopefully going to get better <3. Love them :).

Jordan! Didn't notice till she showed up that she hadn't been there, but I'm really bad at noticing that xd. I thought it was a cool way, a good scene and stuff, of working her in :). And her advice to and conversation with Asher was so good :'DD. I do wish she was here, considering what the episode was and how close and Asher are, but I'm glad we got to focus on his relationship with Jerome. And that at least she was still here ❤️. Love her <3.

So. It's time. I'm going to talk about the rest of the episode first, and then say a little bit. Then, I'm going to go cry a bit more probably, maybe have emo thoughts, and distract myself before I go to bed xd.

Asher and Jerome!! Y'allll I loved the content we got for them this episode :'DD. I mean I hate a fight but, hey, I love angst too lol 👀 xD. Still, I love any screen time for them <3. I certainly didn't agree with Asher's wildin opinions in the beginning xD, but I was still having a fun time. And I'm glad everything worked out (regarding the fight and that stuff). Asher helping with the wedding was so sweet 😭😭😭💔❤️❤️🥺🥰. And the talk he had with the rabbi :'DD :')). I loved that, I know that feeling <3. Also AAAHHHHH their kiss after the wedding 😭😭🥺❤️. I'm not okay <3. At least they got a kiss at a wedding :')). Where the arch thing was and everything xd. Random note that I mentioned in the liveblog, I love that they cook together so much. Anyway, AAAHHHHHH JEROME WAS GOING TO PROPOSE!! HE WAS HIDING THE RING!!! AAAAAHHHHHH :DDDD WHOO 🥳🥳🥳🎊🎉🎂🎂🎂🎂!! Asher found it too 🥰🥰🥰. He was stressing, aww poor babey <33 :'(, but I'm glad he finally made peace with it and made his decision :')). Also, regarding. . . everything, I'm glad that he knew <3. Also, Asher immediately going to get Jerome a bandaid was so good <3. Loved it :')). They were seriously so good this episode, it was great :'D. I love them so much <333.

Now.

The stuff xd

I was freaking out at the end. Until that yelling (even for a half second into it), I thought it would be Jerome. I was honestly terrified as well that it was a mislead and it still would be. But even more scared for Asher.

I like that he came full circle. I think he deserved that. Deserves.

I read a few articles after finishing the episode, and one, I think something from a writer, said "His last line is "I am a Jew. A gay one, too, and I'm calling the cops" " (or something like that). That he finally truly accept both parts of himself. I'm really proud of him for that, and I'm glad that's how it ended for him <33. It also makes me think of how his literal first line was about that very thing. He grew up Hasidic, before he decided that "if there was a God, He was nothing but a cruel being that I held nothing but contempt for". Then he says "That's when I started going to medical school. And also dating men". Or, something along those lines for all of that. I like the symmetry.

I do appreciate the commentary of it being a hate crime. We as queer people, and Jewish people (though I am not Jewish) are still facing so much bigotry. But I do kinda of wish that I didn't have to see it in the show as well. Sometimes I like it, sometimes I like to just feel that catharsis, and sometimes I just want to see the good sides. That it's not a tragedy.

Like I've already said though, I do appreciate that it got the drama it deserved. Asher went out fighting for what's right, accepting himself, and standing up for people. That's kind of what he's always been about :'). He also went out with an episode that focused largely on him and his journey, along with his relationship, and he got a good music moment at the end lol. Not to mention the angst of it all. And, of course, in the next episode his funeral. Though I do wish there wasn't a huge emergency as well. But (especially with the description specifically saying they'll all be dealing with their personal tragedy as well), it should be interesting to see at least. And again, it'll distract me and then xd. I just think it would also be interesting to see them trying to go through their normal lives as if this huge thing didn't just happen.

Also, something more lighthearted lol, imagine being at a funeral and then half the guests get up and leave 💀. Even knowing they're doctors it's awkward xD, especially since they're some of the people who cared the most about him (😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔❤️❤️❤️❤️). But it's like, that's what happens when you're a doctor xD. I just find it kind of funny lol.

Anyway. I think, if he had to die, Asher went out the best way he could here. At least he was fighting for something, unlike the tragedy of Melendez's pointless death. It's still absolutely heartbreaking, but that does bring some comfort <3.

Also, in those articles, I saw that the reason Asher was killed off is apparently because Noah Galvin wanted to move on from the show.

I love you sir but I am kinda angry xD.

Nah but for real, I do understand it, and I'm happy he gets/got to go back home and stuff, but I am like ". . . it's the last season" xD. Maybe he asked before it was cancelled lol, I don't know. If that's the case that kinda upset some more, because he might have been willing to stay for just like 5-19 more episodes xd. Anyway, slightly salty about that lol (how could you do this to me Mr. Galvin <33 😭😭😭😭💔💔❤️❤️ :')) :'(( ), but I am happy for him. And he's had a great run on this show, as has Asher <33.

. .

I want to say a little bit.

I know I've said a lot xd, but something specific.

I wish Asher was still alive.

I know that's obvious, and it makes sense, but there's layers to it xd. Yes, he was my favorite characters (nearly said one of lol - he is, but my favorite in the show). Is, that is. Yeah, correcting the opposite way of what you'd expect there lol. Anyway. Yes, he was my favorite, and I absolutely wanted him and Jerome to get married. It was something I was sad about missing with the cancellation, but apparently we could have had it (which I did think of earlier xd). Or at least the engagement xd. We really tried on that one lol - we were so close xd. But, I also just wanted him to live. And I wanted to continue seeing him xd :(((. I still do.

But beyond all that, Asher means something to me. Every character in anything I love does, but he is a very specific character.

He's a character I don't have anywhere else.

We are not exactly the same. But I don't think I can express the importance to me of a queer religious character. Even though he scorned religion, even though he was no longer practicing, it meant something to me. I said a lot, especially in this episode, that I understand it. I do. I understand questioning if you can live your life in your religion and be queer. I understand doing more research than most cishet people ever have to do, finding the scriptures that cry your acceptance and not your punishment. I have watched my religious community on Tumblr receive disgusting death threats because of what we believe. I have heard my religion made fun of my friends. I have fought to defend myself and my culture and my beliefs at every turn, from queer people and religious people and people in between. I have hidden and kept quiet because I was scared.

I am very proud of Asher for what he did.

And I hope that, if I were in the same situation, I wouldn't hesitate.

But especially after an episode where I was starting to see a character that I could maybe relate to even more. A queer character who wanted to keep religion in his life, who was going to maybe re-explore it. After that, I mourn him even more.

There will never be another character that can replace Asher for me. And that, at least, is an honor to him.

Thank you Noah Galvin for giving us this beautiful, wonderful character over all these years. About 3 or 4 now, gosh xd. I truly appreciate it, more than you could ever know.

And I thank you to the writers and everyone else on The Good Doctor. Even if I am not happy with Asher's death, I have been given storylines of him for 4 seasons. I miss him already, but at least I have the time we had <333.

Asher is a passionate, strong-willed, brave, often inexperienced, and caring character. All of that is a part of him, and all of it is important to me. I love him so much 😭😭😭💔❤️ <3. And there is truly not another character like him :'). I will truly miss him, so, so much <33.

Overall, I really enjoyed this episode. I also despised it with my entire being and will not be able to rewatch that horrific ending for years xd. But I'm glad he got what he did, plot wise and drama wise. I know I've already said it a thousand times, but Asher deserves that. He deserves drama, horrific, even if I do want him to have nothing but happiness. He deserves that, he deserves to live, but he deserves to go out with the importance that he had, and I'm glad he did <3. I understand losing someone close, and I am absolutely devastated for everyone else as well :'((. I'm scared and kind of excited (for the angst and the catharsis lol) to see how everyone reacts and copes next episode. If they show me the immediate aftermath I will die, but I will love it. I will also despise it, so I'm glad that I don't think they will xd. Loves everyone this episode, I hope the Shaun and Charlie stuff gets worked out soon, and I'm glad the Lim and Glassman stuff started getting sorted out <33. And you know what? I'll say it. Asher and Jerome got engaged :')). I'm so happy for them <3. AAAHHHHH YAYY WHOOOO 🥳🥳🥳🎊🎂🎂🎂🥰😭😭😭❤️❤️❤️❤️🥺🥺🥺❤️🥰🥰. Because I can celebrate their love if I dang want to. I'm gonna miss them so much <333 😭😭😭😭🥺💔💔💔💔💔❤️❤️❤️. Nonetheless, it was a really good episode. I really loved Asher planning the wedding and the conversion ceremony, it was just so sweet of him to do that :'). And seeing him connect with his roots was great <3. I'm glad the ending- no autocorrect. no. . . lol. I'm glad the wedding worked out :). Everyone was great this episode <3.

So yeah! I absolutely loved this episode, it was so amazing. I also hate it and will never forgive it and them lol. Still, I'm hanging onto that engagement! I am so devastated and excited for the next episode. This has been my review of. . .

The Good Doctor, Season 7, Episode 5: Who at Peace

It was so beautiful. The next episode looks super interesting, and emotional, so I am excited to see it! I think it'll be really good. I'll be back here next week with my review of. . .

The Good Doctor, Season 7, Episode 6: M. C. E.

See you next week!

[udon-udon]

anyway, depresso vent post again

not sure if it's just a coinkidink but god, i've been getting depresso BEFORE my pre-period PMS which sucks cause i get twice the depresso come on man wtf

but anyway, idk things have been triggering me a lot lately and idk if it's cause of the stress of all the things i have to do + lack of art career direction + seeing everyone advance and im not advancing/feeling like im being left behind + the stress from work + internal battles and issues i haven't solved yet that i keep gaslighting myself that i've solved but clearly they are not solved + the existing family issues. I feel like yeah most likely that's causing my additional wave of depresso but i also hate that it just comes out of nowhere. I was pumped and all cause I started going to the gym and then suddenly i'm like falling to the floor help ive fallen and can't get up.

i'm also not much of a crier, i hate crying simply cause it takes a lot of energy so i don't really cry much unless im super frustrated or wtvr, but i've been finding myself wanting to cry more so than ever, starting from a few months ago????? I still try not to cause i hate crying, but theres always that tight feeling in my throat like i want to cry u know. And yes, I know crying it out is good for you, but ugh.

I also have been yet again putting a shit ton of more stuff on my plate than I should be what's new, and that's also causing stress as well cause I want to do so many things but I obviously don't have the time for it. I'm still slowly chipping away at my art commissions and I planned on having them done by Feb 1 but i dont think that's gonna happen.... But after art commissions is art print grind cause I need to overhaul my old anime convention art prints... And then I had the idea of creating a side brand that sells only udon related merch (so less anime, and more cute) and because it's a whole new brand, there's a lot of effort/designing/money to be put in and.... that's... more things to do in so little time. Why do I do this to myself. I still really want to do it though!!!! But at what cost, udon... at what cost....

And of course, seeing people be successful makes me feel down cause I don't have what they have and they have what I want yada yada insert pitiful stuff. I'm happy for these people but obvs i can't help but be envious and my brain being like "you're never gonna be enough/never gonna get what they have" and then i want to stab a knife in my brain hello. It's hard to see my own successes when I keep looking at other people's successes, which sucks, cause I've done a lot of cool things, but I keep unregistering them because it's not my ideal success or something idk

Also I think what mostly triggered this month's mood swing is seeing/feeling that someone's leaving me (?) Seeing someone I enjoy being with happier/enjoying someone else's company more. And I'm being totally irrational with that because ofc there are so many other factors. I can't control what other people feel/do and I'm not the center of the universe!!! But in this/that moment it makes me feel like I'm not enough, that I'm boring or wtvr, not loved. And we all know how much I struggle with that 🤪 basically my abandonment issues kicking in, but also my brain being really irrational

I guess this month's theme is I feel like I'm not enough :' ) and also way too many things on my plate yet again, and the stress that I kind of forgot during the December holiday catching back up to me again :)

[this-strange-obsession]

Rant #4002746 (post-rant note: this is pretty lengthy boys and I’m not sorry bc it needs to be said)

(God I rant too much about this comic, but honestly this is the only place I can do that)

Okay, so, once again seeing a fairly common opinion among the fandom which I don’t agree with, so you all know what time it is!! That’s right! Another of my stupid piping hot takes!!

This episode is the result of the idea that Jekyll deserves all the hate and that he’s the bad guy in the story, blah blah blah. I know, I know, I’m just defending him because I relate to him to an alarming degree, BUT. I also think that everyone forgets that the rest of the characters we see in TGS aren’t exactly saints either.

I saw someone else point this out, but I didn’t know if everyone forgot or decided to ignore it, but Robert said some shitty stuff to Jekyll. And the thing is, he didn’t even do it as a one-off thing. I’ve warmed up to Robert, but I still don’t entirely like him. The biggest thing is obviously the whole breakup scene. And we could argue here that Jekyll interpreted incorrectly, HOWEVER. While Lanyon himself didn’t recite verbatim what was said, he still admitted it was “venomous” and he was lashing out.

Idk who needs to hear this, because it’s a very important thing to remember irl we tend to forget, but somebody taking their anger/stress out on their partner- physically OR verbally- IS NOT OKAY. In ANY situation.

It is NOT excusable. Regardless of the fact Lanyon was breaking up with Jekyll, especially BECAUSE he was breaking up with Jekyll, he has no right to yell or berate his partner the way he did. That’s the whole theme of this comic- not understanding how to communicate in a healthy way. It’s not just a problem Jekyll has and everyone is forgetting that.

You are allowed to be emotional in that scenario. You are allowed to be angry. But you have to understand how to feel angry in a way that doesn’t hurt anybody, whether that’s you or the people around you. You collect your thoughts beforehand, and at least somewhat try to articulate what you want to say. You blend the emotion with the logic, not just rid yourself of one or the other.

Lanyon did none of that. He was kind of self-destructing and in doing so, he pierced Jekyll with stray shrapnel. That was so not okay. And that’s me getting upset over the general description of the breakup. The fact that Lanyon essentially told Jekyll he was expendable?? Absolutely not. No. I was LIVID when I read that.

I don’t give a fuck, Lanyon in that moment was a piece of shit, and I hate him for it. And I’m even paraphrasing here, the actual quote was something closer to, “why would anybody give up their future prospects for someone like you?” OH MY FUCKING GODDD. “SOMEONE LIKE YOU?” “SOMEONE LIKE YOU????” OH HELL NO.

That’s not even touching on the fact that we can assume from how Jekyll described everything, this was his first gay relationship. This was the first time he acted on his “sinful desires.” And the way it ends is like this?

Once again, I relate to Jekyll a painful amount, and while it didn’t go exactly like this, it threw me back to the last argument me and my best friend had. Our relationship was… complicated. We liked each other, but it always seemed to be off. They would get into a relationship when I was acknowledging my feelings, and when I was repressing them, my best friend would starting pursuing me. At one point, we had a sort of unspoken thing going on where we both understood our feelings and we were VERY obviously gay for each other and even got a little too touchy for “just two good friends” frequently. But we never made it official. Over the last few months of the friendship, they became more distant and withdrawn. I confronted them about it, we had a huge and messy argument, and they said some really uncalled-for things. I have really bad mommy issues (TM), and they said something that really crossed the line.

I know I was no saint during our friendship or the argument, but jesus christ, there are just some things you should never say to people. And the fact that it was my closest friend and first queer crush/situationship(?) who said it? Of course I developed trust issues and trouble communicating my true feelings, like??

..Idk that just hit a nerve and I hate that people act like either of them are the victim. Again, I’m not saying Jekyll is completely innocent, but he’s also not completely guilty.

It’s not even JUST the breakup scene I hate. Lanyon is STILL kind of an asshole and enables Jekyll’s whole glass scientist complex. During the ball (I can’t remember the reason for it exactly, I think it was just for keeping appearances and connections.) when Jekyll was having horrible hallucinations and acting completely unlike himself, all Lanyon did was reinforce that idea that Jekyll just needs to pretend like he’s someone he isn’t.

If y’all don’t remember, Jekyll ran outside in the middle of the party because he was seeing a lot of disturbing shit and Moreau’s ghost grabbed him. When Lanyon found him, Jekyll was fervently babbling about Moreau following and judging him because he knows Jekyll’s “rotten on the inside.”

So how does Lanyon console him? He just starts his spiel about how it doesn’t matter if Jekyll is actually rotten on the inside, as long as he’s decent on the outside.

BRUH, I’M—

AHHHHHHHHH

..ehem..

I KNOW he immediately backpedals by saying Jekyll is the most decent guy he knows, but in that context, in Jekyll’s eyes, he was interpreting that as, “you are the most OUTWARDLY decent guy I know.” So that did jack-shit for Jekyll’s sanity because as much as Lanyon could have meant it about his personality, he didn’t execute it very well!?

There’s other little things I hate about him, such as the whole thing where instead of just fucking asking for an open and honest conversation, he goes behind Jekyll’s back and snoops in his office for answers. The thought of asking only occurs to him after this when Lucy points it out.

Idk, I like Lanyon as a character, I do- it’s just that I feel like we let him off the hook far too easily anytime he says or does something wrong just because he’s doing what he thinks is best for Jekyll.

There are better ways to go about supporting someone you care about. And it’s driven home a thousand times over that healthy communication is not a phrase these idiots have in their vocabulary, but I guess that keeps going way over some people’s heads and it’s been so goddamn frustrating seeing them drag Jekyll for things OTHER FUCKING CHARACTERS DO.

[braceletofteeth]

🎶✨when u get this u have to put 5 songs u actually listen to, publish. then, send this ask/tag 10 of your favourite followers✨️🎶

tagged by @leporschespam 🥰 Thanks!! <3

(I had to go and take a look at the Most Played on my music player, then I took note from the ones I know I actually listen a lot)

Me and My Husband by Mitski

A few months ago I was taking a quiz, as you do, and, in one of those infamous song lyrics questions, there it was. That's not where I found the song, though! (it happened long before that). I'm telling you about this specific moment because, in the quiz, it was classified as a song about codependency, and when I read that I was like “Yeah. Pfff. Alright.”, you know, incredulous, but then... I started thinking about all the ships I relate to it... And, as you can imagine, I went from oh to oh very quick.

Use Me (Original ver.) by PVRIS

The new version with a rap part is good too. Not very necessary, but good.

PVRIS is one of those rare bands I vibe with many songs, instead of just few and far in between.

I ALSO REALLY WANT TO EDIT VEGASPETE WITH THIS ONE BUT I NEVER GET AROUND TO DO IT 😭

Sad Girl by Lana del Rey

I used to think the lyrics said 'He's got the fire, and he talks with flames'. It sounded really cool in my head.

Choreomania (Live At Madison Square Gardens) by Florence + The Machine

The studio version is ok BUT THE LIVE VERSION IS EVERYTHING. I love dancing and being dramatic to the sound of Florence songs.

Also, I was today years old when I finally learned how to spell the title of this one (and what it actually means) 🤡

Baby Came Home by The Neighbourhood

What I like the most about this song is that it's tranquil, relaxed; beach vibes, even. Till you get to the bridge, and then you can't help but scream at the top of your lungs.

That's also a Moonjo/Jongwoo song!! I go completely feral every time someone edits them with it.

+ Bonus! New song I've had on repeat lately:

Bells in Santa Fe by Halsey

The first time I heard it was in the new season of YOU, but back then I didn't care enough to go looking for it myself. However, everything worked out just fine, because a week later I found it again—in the playlist of a KinnPorsche fic, of all things.

The reason why I'm listening to it so much at the moment is, Idk, maybe because I'm under stress, and the chorus feels like a daily affirmation/mantra thing...?

Halsey: All of this is temporary.

Me: Yeah I sure fucking hope so lol

—

I'm supposed to tag 10 of my favorite followers, so, let me see... I'll tag some blogs I see in my notes often, but I may not have interacted with directly yet:

@arson-is-lit @wholesometoad34 @notsocharmy @anamaycrystal @technicallyausername @phant0m-l0rd @knifeyrat @thealmightyawesomegay-blog @blue-ladoo @mayablackwolf

I haven't spoken to most of you before. I don't know if you like games, or to be tagged in said games, and, to be honest, one by one, I feel like this invitation will most likely be politely refused, for one reason or another. Doesn't matter. I may never know what kind of music you're into, but I know about other stuff that you like. And you know about stuff that I like, too.

Both to know and to be known feel nice, and good enough. Thank you for being around. 💚