#idk if i like this ending but ok | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tlou-reid · 2 years ago

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visitor's list ✰ spencer reid

warnings ✰ angst, cursing, prison spencer

summary ✰ when spencer goes to prison, his visitor's list seems to be missing a name

notes ✰ idk if i like this but it's an idea i had since i first saw s12 lol i hope u like it!

you don't know if anything has ever hurt as much as this. you've had emily prentiss tell you bad news before, this was definitely not the first. but, damn, this was the worst. every word felt like a gunshot right into your heart.

"spencer was found in mexico."

bang

"we are still trying to figure out how and why he ended up there."

bang

"he was, thankfully, extradited back to the united states due to a complication in the case."

bang

"we are still figuring everything out but for now he's here and he is safe."

okay, that part felt good. knowing he was safe was comforting, a little. but, that feeling did not last long. emily had that look on her face. her sad eyes with a soft tilt of her head. she was hiding something. "emily, what else?"

well, she was actually hiding a lot from you. she was hiding that there was drugs involved. she was hiding that reid was on said drugs. she was hiding that he decided not to take a plea deal and was going to have to remain in jail. she was hiding that the fbi would not be helping him at all. she was hiding that he is not in protective custody. she was hiding that you were not on his visitors list.

"we're still figuring everything out, there's a lot of details i don't know and even more i cannot tell you," she takes a sigh, "he has been allowed to have visitors, garcia is going to the first-"

"why not me?" you interrupted with a furrow of your brain. you were spencer's lover. spencer's person. spencer's other half. sure, you did not go out in the field with him. sure, you weren't equipped to handle the legal side, but you knew spencer. physically, mentally and emotionally; you knew spencer. he needed you. he needed you more than someone to talk about what he is missing on the field. he needed comfort, stability, love. all of these things only you could provide for him.

"y/n," emily says, her eyes even sadder, "there are some," she takes a breathe, letting the statement hang in the air for a couple seconds, "complications".

"what kind of complications?" your voice is harsher than you intend for it to be. the tears that have been welling up in your eyes since she knocked on your door are threatening to fall. your whole body is tense as you rush out each inquisitive statement.

"y/n, you cannot see spencer." her tone was more authoritative, but her look, that fucking stare, that was full of pity. full of sadness. god, you hated it.

"what the fuck do you mean?" you rush out, tears finally falling. they had changed their composition. the tears that had welled up in your eyes were full of sadness, full of fear. but the ones that hit your cheek were full of anger, full of distrust. of course you could see spencer, he's yours. he's more yours than any of the bau agents, that's one thing you were sure of.

"spencer, he uh, he had to create his list. the list of people who could go visit him while he is in prison. your name was never put on it."

bang. bang. bang. bang. bang. bang. bang.

emily tried to break the news gently, she did not want you to be hurt and she did not want to be the one hurting you. but there was no way to prevent it. your knees started to wobble and your hands started to shake. your breathing became ragged. this was a new feeling, one you'd never experienced before. you felt sad, angry, distrustful, resentful, jealous. you felt so many things.

emily reached out to put a gentle hand on your shoulder but you dodged it. "he chose not to let me see him." you declared, not leaving any room for emily to reply. emily prentiss is a smart woman, one who rarely doesn't know what to say or do. but she was speechless. she hurt for you. she was sad for you.

"i need to go," you stepped away from her, closing the door and walking into your house. she didn't come in when you invited her and now you knew why. she had nothing but bad news for you.

your tears were flowing freely. you didn't know what to do, so you sunk to the middle of the living room floor, trying to find comfort within yourself. what did this mean for you? what did this mean for spencer? what did this mean for your relationship? here you were, laying in the middle of your shared living room, surrounded by his books, the art he liked, the blanket jj's mom made for him. and yet, he was behind bars not even acknowledging your feelings, your hurt, your uncertainity. upon this realization, the tears turned into sobs, echoing through your home that now felt so empty.

but you were so wrong. so so so wrong. every single thought that wracked his brain was you. from the time he had enough clarity in his brain to think after coming down off of the drugs, you were on his mind. he had written his list with your name at the top, before recalling all of the things he'd been told.

"You just gotta learn how to survive"

"But if you keep this up, keep thinking the normal rules apply in here, then I cannot help you"

"They're gonna beat you again. Might even kill you"

the first time he removed your name from the list, it was selfish. he was struggling in here already, how would he get by if they knew he had a beautiful, loving, kind woman coming into to see him? being happy he was alive? feeling protective over him? loving him? sure, he knew he was a good person, and he knew he was probably the smartest person in here, but he felt so weak. he felt exposed, vulnerable. he did not want them to use the one thing in the world that made him feel those things in a safe, positive way, and run with it. so, for the first time, he removed your name from the list. he was being selfish, he knew that. but he also knew he needed to survive. otherwise, he wouldn't get to come home to you. so, going a few months, just until his team proved his innocence, without you seemed like the best course of action.

once he got over those fears, he decided he'd need to see you eventually. he missed you. he missed your smile. he missed talking to you. and so, he put your name back on the list. he might've even smiled as he went to turn it in, thinking about the day he got to see you.

and then he pictured you. your radiant smile and bubbly energy, walking into such a dark, desolate place. he looked at himself in the mirror, and he imagined you. he imagined you with dark circles under your eyes, the smile wiped off of your face. he imagined you in his spot, weak, scared and unsure of the future. he ripped the list up, re-writing it one last time. to any normal person, it was irrational. obviously visiting a prison and being imprisoned are two very different things. but to spencer, it was the same. you were an extension of him. you felt the things he felt, you saw things the way he did. and he knew that him seeing you, and you seeing him, would not be good for you. so, the list was ripped up. then, it was rewritten with the bau members, then it was turned in.

and then it was forgotten. by him, at least.

as time went on, he had other things to prioritize. he was focused on his safety, as well as the safety of the other inmates. he feels as though he has a duty to protect them, so he moves on and takes action in the prison.

you, on other-hand, are never going to forget his list. the pain you felt because of that stupid fucking list.

so, you keep yourself busy. you work longer hours, picking up extra work in your job. you meet up with your friends, not spencer's friends, your friends. you don't tell them about where he is, just some off handed comment about his job when they ask.

your favorite activity becomes visiting ms. diana. spencer's mom has grown to love you, and you enjoy your talks, even if she doesn't remember all of them. you make it a point to be there when the nurse is taking her lunch, just because you know that jj comes later than lunch time, and you do not want to see her. so, naturally, you do not see the nurse or jj, getting to enjoy your time with ms. diana all by yourself.

you have not seen any of the team. penelope and luke have both left messages on your phone that you haven't bothered to listen to. jj has called and texted, you even answered one time. but when she told you she was on her way to see spencer, you quickly, but politely, ended the call. it wasn't that you didn't want to hear about spencer or didn't want to talk to the team, it just hurt too much. it's been over a month and you haven't gotten to see spencer, or even hear his voice. because of a choice he made. so, seeing those who did get those privileges was too much and you avoided it.

until rossi was knocking on your door, and luke was creeping in your windows. the knocks were quick and heavy, clearly indicating that they needed you. reluctantly, you opened it.

"y/n," rossi smiles, "we did it." you thought you knew what he was talking about, but just in case you were wrong, you furrowed your eyebrows and cocked your head. "reid's out," luke calls from behind rossi. they are expecting you to look excited, to move to the car to go see him right now. but you don't.

your body relaxes. it was a natural instinct. despite all of your feelings about this situation, knowing he was both innocent and out of prison was a comforting thought. a lot of the pent-up negative energy releases from your body once you know he is safe.

"he is coming to the bureau, we came to get you so you can be there when he arrives," rossi clarifies, slightly confused by your lack of excitement.

"he doesn't want me." you were going to say 'he doesn't want me there', but your brain stops you. it's not that he didn't want you at the bureau; spencer did not want you. he did not want you to visit. he did not want to call you. he did simply did not want you.

"what are you talking about?" luke asks. you were getting real tired of crying in front of fbi agents, but here you were. standing in your doorway, crying over spencer reid, just as you had done a few months ago. rossi's face softens, understanding your pain now.

"he didn't let me visit, he didn't call. he didn't want me, luke. he didn't want me when he needed me most and he definitely doesn't want me now." you feel bad for talking to luke the way you were, he was always nice to you. but, fuck, you were hurting.

"he loves you so much," rossi starts one of his speeches, "he was scared, y/n. please, give him a chance. the spencer you knew was not the same spencer in prison. he asked about you every time anyone went to see him. he tried to explain and apologize. not seeing you destroyed him. please, just come with us."

you had never heard rossi beg for anything before. you could see the sincerity in his eyes. right now, rossi knew spencer better than you did. you felt like you didn't know anything about him. so you decided to listen to the person who does. you climbed into the car, letting rossi and luke take you to see spencer.

you arrived before him, taking the elevator up to the bau floor. you were familiar with this room, having dropped off plenty of lunches that spencer had forgotten at home. your eyes fell on his desk. there was a picture frame that you knew had a picture of you and him. despite keeping a neat, proper desk, he always made sure to have a way to show you off. everyone in the room was looking at you with sad expressions.

what felt like hours, but was probably only minutes passed before the elevator dinged, signaling his arrival. when he stepped out, his eyes immediately fell on you. he looked so tired. so scared. so weak. he didn't even glance at anybody else, making his way straight to you. as he approached, you looked at his chest, too sensitive to bring your eyes to meet his.

"i'm sorry," was the first thing he said. he couldn't imagine the pain you were feeling. he had a million things to say but also nothing at all. he let this statement hang in the air before he continued, "and i love you. so much."

you finally looked him in the eyes. you didn't say anything, just looked at him.

"can i hug you?" he asked cautiously. you hesitated and then nodded. you were quickly enveloped by his arms, his scent, his love. him.

#idk if i like this ending but ok #spencer reid #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid x y/n #criminal minds #criminal minds imagine #criminal minds x y/n #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #dr spencer reid #spencer reid blurb #criminal minds blurb

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goomyloid · 1 month ago

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got uty au pilled again, sorry... more info under the cut

an AU where ceroba, in the end, refuses to inject kanako with the serum. even after all her research, she just can't trust that it's totally safe. while kanako accepts this, she still wishes she could eventually be of use somehow, and indirectly blames herself for her father's death.

despite all this, with kanako alive, ceroba is able to grieve chujin in a far less desperate way, still having her daughter by her side. as the years go by, ceroba devotes more and more of her time to finishing chujin's research in hopes of finally making a serum that can save the underground. kanako is determined to help, too -- together, they clean up chujin's lab and make it a far nicer place to work, because they're in this together now. well, in theory.

ceroba still certainly takes care of kanako and does her best to be a good mother, but as time passes, ceroba spends more and more time in the lab trying to find an answer. kanako, being the social butterfly that she is, can't bring herself to always stay shut inside like her mother; she travels daily to Oasis Valley, making friends and becoming the town darling. as ceroba spends more time working, kanako spends more and more time taking care of the estate, trying to spend time outside whenever possible.

but it gets kind of lonely. the ketsukane estate is off outside of Oasis Valley, and not many people come by. she's worried about her mother, who's been shutting her out as she becomes more desperate to find a solution. there's only so much to do at the house.

then, clover falls into the underground and explores the dunes. there are barely any other kids at this spot in the underground -- finally, someone around her age! she's immediately entranced by them and determined to become their friend, even after finding out they're a human -- that just makes them cooler...!

but there's a problem; kanako has seen her father's tapes, she knows that a human soul would be extremely valuable to producing the serum. of course, she wants to help save the underground, and she wants her mother to finally be rid of stress and be able to spend time with her again... but after spending time with clover, kanako knows there's no way she can let clover die. they're like the sibling she never had...

and kanako can't even let her mother know that clover exists, either; she knows exactly what will happen if ceroba finds out there's a human here. and yet, a secret part of her wishes and hopes that maybe, just maybe, ceroba could find value in clover as a person and then they could all live in the ketsukane estate together. it would be a dream come true! maybe there's even some way clover can help ceroba without having to give up their soul...?

but things aren't destined to work out that way. any number of things could happen.

clover could peacefully move on in their quest through the underground, leaving a sad and lonely kanako behind.

or, ceroba finds out about clover in one way or another, and things are not looking good. but would she choose to take clover's life at the cost of her daughter's one and only friend?

what if clover didn't come in peace, but in vengeance?

or maybe ceroba somehow accepts clover, growing to respect them after all is said and done, and she tries to experiment on a living human soul?

or maybe, wracked with grief and loneliness, kanako discards her mother's warnings and takes the new, updated serum herself, determined to become the hero for her family like she always wanted...?

or, something else could happen.

what if, after an unhappy ending, kanako wakes up on that same day again, waiting for clover to come by the ketsukane estate for the first time? she doesn't even know how it's possible, reliving the same few weeks over and over. she just wants to find her happy ending, and she'll search and search for as long as she needs to.