#idk i know this is depressing i just
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Send me asks, my brain is garbage tonight.
#sometimes i feel like a failure at everything i have tried or wanted#but like#years of working on this have reduced that feeling a lot#now i correctly attribute that misery to living in a country that actively wants me to die because I am disabled/trans/fat/neurodivergent#and in a way that's so much worse because i could always push myself to succeed or change even if that was futile#but this place ain't gonna change enough to save me and i'll always need to beg for help#so i'm like trapped? knowing i have value that will never be seen clearly enough to be safe and it makes me...tired#i just surf from incident to incident without much good stuff in between and sometimes it feels...not pointless...i do like being alive...#but it feels like i have all this stuff to offer the world and no way to do it because i'm too crushed down to do much of anything#i can't even always safely access effective medications#or afford to move out of this place#idk i know this is depressing i just#we had to buy clothes for boyfriend's new job and now i don't think we can afford to buy meds that are not covered by insurance#and i am tired of ending up here every single month#i deserve better we all deserve better
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thank u canon plant nerd megumi for my life
bonus:
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiguro megumi#yuji itadori#fanart#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#itadori yuuji#megumi#yuuji#middle one FOUGHT oh my god#angle/arm position/watering can/expression NONE of it wld go right#took 2 hours to get the lines only to realize upon laying down flats that it was still Completely off#so i took a break to bake an entire cake came back n finally it started cooperating#tbh idk if im still shaking off ytd's weird funk or what but this took ages longer than it should have#but its ok bc florist/botanist/general plant nerd megu is free serotonin 2 me#i could not decide on one apron 2 give him#but then i remembered he is th type 2 take his hobby Very seriously of course he would own multiple#looks at the hydrangeas listen . listen I Know i ws bemoaning having 2 draw so many cursing their name etc etc#but u dont understand he had to be holding one he just had to. he told me so. he held a gun 2 my head and said U Know What To Do#and i said ok ok ok ok#there r only 2 i survived#and i wld do anything fr him as we well know . cuffs his jeans puts leaves in his hair <3#jjk may have given me trust issues depression anxiety etc but it Also gave me flowerboy megu and i think that balances it out :)#edit added the bonus here bc reblogs dont show up in the main tags enjoy itfs gross flirting mwah <3
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Just thinking about how others reacted to Jason's death...all of the victim blaming, making him a warning, an example of what not to do, telling him he came back wrong, that he was mean and cruel and dangerous even before his death...constantly making fun of his death and making crowbar jokes and all of that...and how, in the newer runs, Jason seems to just. accept it all.
(Thinking of a scenario where Jason and Roy become friends, how Jason starts to very slowly handle his feelings around his death. How the Jason Roy knows is confident, despite everything, and even if he is angry and hurt and takes that anger and hurt out on the world around him, he still so very firmly believes in making a difference. How after some time Jason decides to try and mend things with his family.
And how slowly but surely, the Jason who Roy knew at the beginning starts to disappear.
How Jason starts to disappear.
How Jason starts believing that he should disappear.
How Jason starts to want to disappear.
And Roy starts to get angry.)
#thinking of that one panel (and fifteen others I've seen) where Jason thinks he should've stayed dead :)#not to bash other bats but. uh. idk what the writers are thinking bc what I am seeing is not a very good look??#I don't know but every single panel I see of Jason in the newer runs he is honestly depressed and suicidal#and how it always seems to get worse the more he is written to interact with the other bats#just. thinking#also if I have to see sad jason then I deserve to imagine protective roy okay that is my right#dc#jayroy#jason todd#red hood
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I HATE tiktok and the Internet in general rn for the obsession with "oh this person's smellyyy" "Brother it STINKS over here" "BOO 💧🧼🧽🚿" and stuff like that. I wish I could put into words how demeaning and patronising that whole idea is and people implying anyone they don't like doesn't wash.
For one there's something grating about being insulted in a manner like we're in nursery again. But also WHY is that the go to insult. Why do you associate these things? Especially to those you deem "chronically online". Like I don't want to sound pathetic but it feels so nasty to me.
is it extreme to say this feels tied to ableism? And classism too?
#“take a shower” me sitting here with depression and no will to even move rn. That doesnt make me feel worse or anything#dry to wet change is also evil. and i get decision paralysis a lot and just struggle to motivate myself to do basic human tasks#and thats just me#what about the people with physical disabilities that struggle to find the energy and strength to do these things#And also like environmental factors too?#like kids can be unhygienic cause they arent being cared for and learning properly#people with learning disabilities and neurodiversity too may struggle with not being taught properly as its a “basic thing everyone knows”#people are homeless karen.#people cant afford to wash regularly#people grow up or are forced to live in unhygienic places and surrounded by smokers and alcoholics#people who are smokers and alcoholics and generally people with addiction can smell#people with health issues that cause them to sweat more#Like the list goes on#but idk maybe I'm just sensitive#anti anti#profiction#proship#neurodivergent#cringe culture#ableism#classism
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My mom, after spending an extended weekend with my dad's old college classmates and their families: It's so weird that all of these very weird, intelligent and structured men who got their masters in engineering in the late 1980s have sons that are all autistic and daughters who all have mood disorders.
Me: Yeah, very weird. Why could that be?
#autism#depression#something tells me the daughters are also autistic#I mean I know I am#our brothers just got diagnosed in elementary school and got help and accomodations#while we were labeled gifted and got no help at all#just more responsibilities and pressure#until we burned out at the ripe old age of 16#and were now feeling as failures and disappointments to our parents on top of everything else#while also being the first generation to grow up with social media#idk that may just be me
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at the end of the day it's a relationship that inspired me to create again, to making edits and icons and even writing
it's the relationship that helped me get through some really hard times in my life
its the relationship I met really amazing people through who I now have the joy of calling my friends
#tbd#im crying yes I know but ive been so depressed#my life has been shit the last two months and this was my escape#like I know eventually this wont hurt as much and its just this week#and that ive made friendships that outlast a fandom#but Im still going to be sad#not to mention its like????#people have been harassed and sent death threats and was accused of faking cancer and we went through it together#idk this is rambling im just very very sad#ill find something new again I know but its just a lot right now#anyways I might take a break if you want to share discords if we are friends message me#911 spoilers
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I guess I find the shipping discourse a little funny because fandoms are gonna create ships regardless of the subject matter. I think really heavy, depressing media creates a need for people to see human connection. It’s like a way to cope, you know? More importantly and specific to this game (Mouthwashing), I also find it a little funny just because the devs themselves seem to be leaning towards ~one~ “ship” by retweeting artwork that depicts them as pretty close and protective. They even did an edit of them on that Florence Pugh and that one white guy romance movie with a “what could have been” caption. Sooo tldr the ship drama is kind of dumb. Please block and move on cause the discourse is taking up space on my feed when I’m trying to look for more art of Daisuke lmao
#also disclaimer I don’t ship anything in this game because it makes me too depressed hahaha#I guesssssss you could say I leave towards Anya and Curly but that’s just because they’re my favs#plus I got a gen vibe that they liked each other so I kind of just assumed but whatever#I like that they find comfort in each other more than anything (at least in my head post crash)#if that makes sense? so don’t come for me lol cause some of yall are mean#I know he failed her so so so so badly but that’s kind of what makes their comfort and care for one another interesting you know?#idk how to explain it#it’s like the one sweet thing that continues throughout the narrative all the way to Anya’s suicide#where she locks them in together to keep them both safe from Jimmy#I’m high so pls excuse me as I make no sense actually#this is about#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#captain curly#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#people who ship Jimmy x curly are another breed though lmaoooo yall are on something stronger than anyone else😭😭😭
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There's a lot of validity in the idea that older Bakugo is a traumatized pro-hero with major PTSD... but you know what's kinda fucked up to think about? The fact that Bakugo is also a 22-year-old pro-hero with major PTSD even before that, too.
It's almost easy to imagine that things are actually better when he's older (the therapy finally a routine, the trauma long set and on the path to being healed)... and that it's his whole 20s that are spent as a pool of disaster trying to recover from the war(s).
He looks back and barely even remembers being twenty, much less twenty-five or twenty-seven. Barely remembers how little he slept, not at the hands of trying to balance hero work and getting a degree at the same time, but just out of the pure insomnia that came from trying to move on and every nightmare attached.
Hardly ever showering, never shaving (not that he ever grew much of a beard, but the facial hair was definitely there. There's pictures of him on the news with an awkward, grown out haircut and patches on facial hair that make him look positively... immature), barely even eating more than a few protein bars or an energy jelly drink-a day. It's a blur, and his friends are hardly there to pick him up out of it because they're all going through it, too. Somewhat.
It's definitely weird if you meet him during this period. He's not all there, at least, not all of the time. He doesn't really register your interactions, the friendship you extend to him (a younger, or ever older, version of him would've shown you that deep seeded ferocity in response, tried to bite the hand that fed him, even if it were love... but 20s Bakugo... doesn't seem to notice). Even though only one of his eyes is clouded over, the good one never seems to brighten up.
There's definitely moments when the old him shines through: when he's with Deku, when he's in the midst of battle, when he finds out that Todoroki still does a shitty job at chopping scallions. But it's a long time before he's even close to the same, able to step out from underneath the fog of simply surviving and into the sunshine of recovering.
But I think sticking through it with him is worth it.
(It's a weird moment, a happy moment, the first time you realize that Bakugo has changed. That the pouring rain outside hasn't bothered him since he showed up at your apartment. He forgot his umbrella, he's been quite careless ever since the war—wet and shaggy hair frizzed up, cheeks red from cold—but he doesn't seem to mind, with his bare feet up on your coffee table, his eyes gazing out the window. You hand his tea, and instead of gulping it down in one go, letting it burn in his throat, he winces at the heat.
"Tastes like shit," he says, and you laugh because it always does. Just this time, he noticed.)
#bakugou x reader#bakugo#this is what crocheting a baby hat does to u#no im jk i was just thinking abt bakugo being like 22 and awkward as h*ck bc he still hasnt recovered from the war#i wanna talk abt what he's like more but this is what came out instead LOL#like i think he's really stubborn abt ... coping with after effects of dying#and then before he knows it he has major depression LMFAOO#and he can like go to work get his degree do all he needs to do as a 20-something year guy#but he's not like. *there*. you know#and you meet him and he's a binch but he's not hard to get along with#and u just sorta take him in and drag him places like idk#your school's halloween night.. or even just a night out with ur friend (he doesn't even know how to order a drink)#and he doesnt even process it all until one day he's like 'dang it feels like ive been asleep for years'#and he kinda was#but he knows youre the one who helped him and now he wants to fix himself for you bc he remembers u being there for him#but he's so funny im imagining him with like. frat boy facial hair and a really outgrown ugly mullet type haircut#and lowkey with like. greasy skin (ik he's perfect but he's in a bad state and it shows) and he eats instant noodles ever day#and only watches japanese top gear#and goes on patrols where he beats the crap outta ppl and then doesnt remember it#DREAM BOY#and then he's big hero later#anyway#caitie post#gen
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so heyyyy.... how y'all doin......
#did you know that seasonal depression can sometimes just last all year round and JUST be depression? i didn't!#anywho ummmm im back idk how much or in what capacity BUT ill be getting to asks at the very least!#sorry for ditching yall i truly didnt mean to life just unfortunately finds a way (/derogatory)#personal#edit: i may not get to asks TONIGHT. but ill get to them!#im a busy bee rn
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"From triumph to failure is but one step."
+ the usual
I love when I can include paper sketches in the process gif. It's very satisfying to see it progress from a very vague imagining of what was in my head to the finished project.
+ version without text
My favorite sketch was definitely the one where I actually put in words what it's supposed to convey. I wouldn't usually write that down, cause it's all in my head, but it was useful to do so when sending it to other people. I'll go into it more but here it is just as a teaser:
Lmao first of all, I like how I was teasing "Spanish GP" art, but as per usual, it's just thinly veiled au art. IM SORRY, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN MAKING GENERAL POSTERS, THAT'S NO FUN! So instead you will get weirdly relevant matador au art. I like it a lot though, I was really shocked I was able to draw 3 different Fernandos, I mean even drawing one figure takes a lot out of me, but this was weirdly easy?? I think it's just the effect of not being burnt out anymore, and actually being able to draw with more ease makes me feel like a god.
Okay, so the text: "Fight or Flight?" I'll be honest, I don't even remember why I chose it, literally came to me in a vision 😭 But I think it's fitting with the narrative of this piece. Is it better to keep going on, keep fighting, or better to finally give up, and flee? Not that I even remotely think he should give up, but I feel like sometimes I can sense him pondering this very question. That was the big fear before he announced that he re-signed. Keep fighting and maybe, just maybe, you'll get the chance to finally go up against the bull again. Or accept it's an uphill battle and the fighting is going to keep getting more and more strenous, and maybe it's time to put down the sword. SORRY THIS IS SO ANGSTY FOR WHAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE "yayyyy home race!!!" Please forgive me <3
I. Renault
At some point, someone pointed out to me that I had drawn all other iterations of matador Fernando with a sword, except for Renault Fernando, and that ended up feeling very poignant to me. In a bull fighting match, they really only pull out the sword at the last minute to deliver the killing blow. So I think it's important to never draw this Fernando with a sword, because it shows the unfailing confidence and stability he has at that point. He only needs to pull out the sword at the end, as a formality almost, there's no reason for him to keep his guard up at all times.
II. Ferrari
Meanwhile this Fernando, he's considering his sword like he hasn't had to in the past. He's checking the sharpness, making sure in advance he can do what needs to be done. He's on guard, he feels like he needs to keep up his defenses at all times because he doesn't have that same amount of trust and stability anymore. He knows though he will be up against the (red) bull, at least that's never in question. At least there's the assurance he'll get the chance to fight.
III. Aston
Oh, Aston Fernando....He doesn't know whether to take up his sword or finally put it down for the last time. While at least Ferrari Fernando knows he's on constant guard against the bull, this Fernando doesn't even have that assurance anymore. He feels like he can never put down the sword, just in case he gets the chance to strike the killing blow on the bull, which feels like it's growing more and more unlikely.
Spanish flag: ? Lmao this was meant to be something to celebrate Fernando's home race and it turned very introspective whoops. Also got the Napoleon quote in there hahaha, can't escape it!! Shame though there is no French gp anymore, if so I'd probably draw an unhinged thing for it :,(
#woooo yeah totally a spanish gp poster sure sure.....#idk i cant pretend to be relevant. i just wanted to draw matadors bcs it was spain gp wknd#maybe next year ill draw him as the prince of asturias#very proud of the narrative of this though#I do think it's very relavant to the story of his career and his relationship to the spanish gp#see i even downloaded a special font! sdjkglr#also do let me know which is your fav Nando on this poster!!!! <3#even tho the aston nando is lowkey the reason behind this whole poster. im super smitten with renault nando#i wonder which fernando would be 'freeze'#also i swear one day im gonna accidentally stab myself with the big ass sword i use to take ref pics for matador au#HOPE THIS ISNT TOO SAD EVEN THO I KNOW IT IS!!!#i mean it was never really supposed to be triumphant. more just *heavy thoughts*#but the lacklustre results and the fact that i feel like i havent even seen nando that much this wknd fueled the depressing read more#i am not immune to being overly dramatic and angsty </3#hey you never know man maybe this will work as reverse psychology and he'll do well in a couple hours!! we'll see...#f1#formula 1#fernando alonso#catie.art.#matador au#2024 spanish gp#fa14
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After KH 3 and everything, I wonder if Riku knows about Anti-Sora and knows what that Side of him is.
Does he ever wonder about when Sora became a heartless? Like late at night does he ever think about his actions all those years ago in Hollow Bastion (I think that’s where it happened right??)
Do these questions ever plague him in the night and he can’t sleep because he feels at fault and he’s tired of feeling this way but Sora isn’t there anymore to help him understand that’s it’s okay?
#kingdom hearts#soriku#anyways I’m back on my CoM shit and just had this short little question in my mind#I like sad Riku. and idk why. I love happy Riku and Sora too don’t get me wrong#but sad Riku just hits a part inside of me the right way. idk. but yeah I feel like Riku carries a lot#of depression once Sora is gone. it’s basically 358/2 days all over again but WORSE#SINCE HE DOESNT KNOW WHERE HE IS LIKE IN MY OTHER POST😭😭😭😭#riku x sora#sora x riku#me playing chain of memories
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spotify wrapped 2023: #51 + teen wolf for anon
"or were you all in a dream amelie, amelie? i don't know" amelie — gracie abrams
#allison argent#teen wolf#tw: flashing gif#allisonargentedit#teenwolfedit#twedit#photopeablr#femaledaily#usernoe#useramyba#tuserko#i know this took me over three months to get to but i swear i had the idea since december#like i saw the ask looked at the song and went oh this will be an allison edit for sure#thank you for sending it in anon!!!#i've just been suuuuper busy#and also depressed#i still kind of hate how this turned out though...and idk if anyone else can see the vision#but here it is!#also teen wolf is such a poorly-lighted show like damn not even a bit of moonlight for those wolves?? skjfs#kat.gif
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it's so funny to me that in the books, louis and lestat might've never met if it weren't for the french revolution.. rip marie antoinette you would've loved loustat
#loustat#lestat de lioncourt#louis de pointe du lac#iwtv#the vampire chronicles#interview with the vampire#the vampire lestat#tvl#tvc#tldr; revoluntionaries kill the entire de lioncourt family except for lestat's dad who flees to new orleans#and after lestat and gabrielle part ways it's MARIUS of all people who's like 'hey you should go to your dad and start a new life in nola'#'who knows you might find loveee 👀'#without lestat's dad being there there's nothing drawing lestat to nola except for it being a french colony i guess#otherwise lestat likely would've just continued w his original plans of exploring eurasia. or taken another depression nap in the dirt idk#c.txt
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preparation
#i don't feel particularly strong about them now but back then i REALLY REALLY want to pair them together#they/them hunters#i think i just dragged my ideas about them for too long tbh i even wanted them to fu#i. i mean. have fun. hunting#why do i wanna draw r34 for literally every character i see what the actual fuck#oh i know why#ramble time#i fucked up my meeting and i am even more depressed than ever and i was struggling between drawing more tyrael r34 or finish this sketch#idk if i'll spam drawing later but theres one thing i know#im gonna buy fried chicken for night snack#thats it this is tumblr tbh i should've been complaining about my life on plurk instead#okay i guess i already did that this whole fucking day but apparently that's not enough#i have zero stress resistance#apex legends#apex bloodhound#bloodhound#bloodhound apex#borderlands 3#fl4k#borderlands fl4k#my art
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"[Fitzjames'] public demeanor, which was always an easy mix of self-effacing humor and firm command, remained the same, but in private with only Crozier in attendance, Fitzjames spoke less, smiled less frequently, and too often looked distracted and miserable. For a melancholy man like Crozier, the signs were obvious. At times it was like staring into a looking glass, except for the fact that the melancholy countenance staring back was a proper lisping English gentleman rather than an Irish nobody."
The Terror, Dan Simmons
#The Terror#James Fitzjames#Crozier#Simmons' writing is so good but I'm mildly obsessed with this passage in particular#the intimacy of Fitzjames letting his guard down in front of Crozier and only Crozier#the concept of them as mirrors of one another#but it's only shown when the veneer of a “”“proper”“” Englishman is stripped away#which of course Fitzjames isn't (if the original novel follows the show - haven't gotten that far yet)#so they're both outsiders to the Empire they're perpetuating#but Crozier doesn't *know* that#so instead of relating to Fitzjames or trying to help him it just feeds his self-loathing as an “Irish nobody”#the whole description perpetuates the idea#that it's the Artic that is doing this to them rather than an innate sickness#we're blurring the lines between colonizing as metaphorical sickness and depression as a mental sickness#and the real sicknesses they're suffering from their own hubris + bringing along to a vulnerable population#IDK I GOT A JUMBLE OF THOUGHTS#none of which are coherent like the lovely meta others have done on this show#but this passage ~resonates~
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people who think clem surviving makes no sense are so funny. "they were literally foreshadowing her death the entire season" let me introduce you to the concept of a red herring. she tells lilly she isnt lee and shes right. the narrative was forcing her down that path, a path she saw as an inevitable fate waiting to take her too, but its a narrative broken by aj, who is also his own person and not S1 clem
"it happened to lee, and itll happen to you" lilly tells clem she'll die protecting aj from some mistake he makes, when in reality his defiance of her will is what saves her life after she had already accepted her fate. he breaks clem free from the lee cycle and they get their relatively happy ending. good for them
#anyway in the commentary they talk about how they Were going to have a death ending but didnt like the idea of the good/bad ending#and how people would moreso try to avoid the 'bad end' which i understand and appreciate bc thats usually what happens#so instead they gave us both :) idk why some people seem to have such a huge problem with that#they broke the cycle :) the ericson kids broke the cycle by being a loving community :) they all break the cycle by refusing the delta#lilly and minnie were both lost to the cycle. lilly with her dad and minnie with lilly#minnie couldnt let go. clem almost did the same and it would have killed her too. but aj makes a Choice and it saves her#god even tho clem is noticeably happier in s4 shes still so gd depressed and Tired. she accepted it so fast im so glad he saved her#like idk you saw her come back on screen after that massive fake out and you got Mad?? i was crying twice as hard#i know ive made this similar post before but like i still see this criticism in 2024 and i just have to laugh now#it speaks#twdg#i just love the narrative threads of S4 bro.... seasons 1 and 4 are two sides of the same coin and i love that. its satisfying
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