#idk i just feel so guilty when i say no i hate it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

idontlikeem · 20 hours ago

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hi! i'd like to talk about losing. you don't have to read this if you don't want to, but i wanted to write it, and guess what, it's my blog. i just like this team a lot and i'm feeling a little maudlin about my guys and a little sick to fucking death of the shit i'm seeing all over kingdom come from 'fans'. so here we are.

So You Became A Fan Of A Living Legend But The Hockey Team Is Bad: a commentary.

look. this is not the most fun i've ever had watching hockey, and i'm quite sure a lot of people feel the same way. the penguins are bad this season! they were bad last season too, but there's something very special about the extent to which they are shit right now. and those are not fun games to watch.

but here's the thing: who cares.

like, idk. there's so much god damn negativity surrounding this team and its performance right now, and i'm guilty of contributing to it as well, because yeah of course i'd rather watch a team win in decisive fashion most nights. of course i'd rather dream about may and june and the stanley cup. of course i want to watch that happen again for my favorite players. like, duh.

but. it's probably not going to. not if these players get what they want, which is to play together on this team until they're ready to retire.

and you know what? that's fine. if they're fine with it, who on earth am i to not be?

i think we all have the same reaction when we see idiots online saying things like 'sid doesn't deserve this trade him to a contender'. and that's because we are smarter and more refined fans who understand that what sidney crosby DESERVES is to select how and where and when his career ends. is it on a team that sucks? then that means being here is more important to him than getting that fourth cup. staying with geno and kris and the penguins as a whole, never putting on another NHL logo, is more significant to him personally than another victory. and isn't that special? isn't that worth celebrating?

of course we know all of that because we're better at being fans than the uncles online who are writing weird fanfic in their heads. but. guess what that comes with:

losing.

and losing badly, in the case of this season.

i am here to tell you that sitting and bitching about it helps no one. right now, what we have to watch and celebrate is our favorite players still playing at a high level. they're still doing cool stuff on the ice. and they're doing it TOGETHER. this is what they wanted. so your options are either to hate it and sit in negativity about it each and every game, OR readjust your mindset and learn to enjoy what we have while we have it.

we are watching myth-making happen live. we are watching living legends play hockey. this is a privilege and an honor and it's not something most fanbases get EVER. and we have two! can you believe it?

there are things i would have rather seen done differently over the last couple of years. as far back as 2019 there were moves i disagreed with and changes that could have been made that perhaps could have extended their window. and of course the 2022 series against the rangers, that was a very good team that got hit by injuries at the absolute worst possible time, and probably that was their last chance as a core to compete. it's frustrating to watch that stuff happen when you have no control over it.

the pittsburgh penguins were high-end competitors and contenders for seventeen years straight. that's insane and unheard of in this league. they're not anymore. and the price you pay for almost two decades of dominance is...being bad. when you're competing you trade prospects and draft picks for win-now players. sometimes those work out, most of the time they don't. with the amount of winning this team has done, even the trades that didn't work were worth it, because it meant they were trying.

there are no fanbases who are going to feel bad for penguins fans right now. that's also why we're getting so much attention from the national media. people aren't used to this team being as bad as it is, and people like watching downfalls. that's fine. most of those fans have never watched their team win, and most of them never will. so if their joy is coming from sidney crosby's team being bad....well, love and light, you know?

and we shouldn't feel bad for ourselves either. this is what happens. this is how it goes. this is the price for the band staying together.

i dunno, guys. this is a disjointed rant. it's just so effing hard to be kicked in the nuts everywhere you go with unrelenting negativity. it's on twitter it's in the articles and yes, it's here too. but if you can't be a fan of a team when they're bad, then i'm sorry but you're not a fan of the team (or certain players), you're a fan of winning. and NO team wins all the time every year. that's not how sports work.

we are lucky. at least, i feel lucky! don't you? gosh, sidney crosby scored his 600th career goal tonight. evgeni malkin is over 500 goals on his career. can you believe that? it's amazing to watch.

and it's going to be over in less than two years. do we really want to waste it by wishcasting something that's not going to happen instead of enjoying what we DO have?

if the media bums you out, don't listen. don't read the articles. don't go on twitter. dry your tears on the stanley cup banners that sid and geno hung up—there are three to choose from!

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cowboykeery · 8 months ago

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i hate that i have such a hard time saying no to my dad. there’s a family reunion in goddamn idaho in the summer and i have no real reason to not go other that i don’t wanna spend 5 days somewhere i’ve never been to and flying on a plane by myself would put me into a panic attack right this second

#bri texts #it feels so childish cuz my only reason is i dont wanna go #idk i just feel so guilty when i say no i hate it #like i went to the fam reunion last year idk why there’s another one #and i never talk to anybody because they’re boomers and republicans (not my dad but a good amount in the fam are for me to not wanna go)#and like i have nothing to say to anyone???? what do i say yeah i didn’t go to college and i barely have a life #that and im not close with any family like i simply dont care #its not that i hate any of them they’re just not in my immediate life so i really dont give a shit #things like that just make me feel guilt and shame

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jester-step · 4 months ago

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just girly things: reading batman: dark victory and feeling nauseous every time harvey dent gets mentioned 🌸🥰💕

#i know he’s IN the narrative but he’s still haunting the narrative and i can’t handle it #he’s dethroned riddler as my fave rogue i fear #every time he gets brought up it’s like a knife to the heart #when jim says he misses him….#OUGH #when batman is being super despondent and more distant than usual bc he feels guilty for losing him :(#chasing him in the sewers and saying ‘I LOST YOU’ OUGHHH #when he says he almost trusted him with his secrets and that maybe trusting him would have saved him #every time he calls him a friend……#i literally can’t do this anymore it’s over for me i fear #dc #dc comics #batman #batman: dark victory #harvey dent #two-face #i had to stop watching the long halloween film bc i kinda hated how they characterised harvey and gilda but like #i really want to edit them + bruce and jim help #also i know TLH and DV aren’t the most accurate versions of harvey and his wife #but i’m enjoying them so far #the movie was killing me tho idk if i can make it through both parts lmaooo #the next The Batman needs a good version of harvey dent pleaseee i beg #idk if i have faith in them seeing how much they changed riddler tho :(#fantastic movie but questionable rogues characterisation #also i keep trying to watch the two-part BTAS episode about harvey dent #but every time i turn it on it just makes me sad LMAOOO

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kaiserkisser · 2 months ago

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can someone nice (!!) please please please adopt me im begging you im requesting you (huge word vomit and vent in tags, pls dont read if u dont want to!! and if you don't want this stuff on this blog PLS lmk!! i dont wanna make anyone uncomfy! )

#tw vent #yes ik i have a vent blog #but idk why i dont wanna go there #ill prolly delete this in a while + if i vent here (which ill try not to) ill always tag it #but if any of yall aren't fine with it pls do lmk!!! ill stop <3 #Anyways.#fucking hell i hate this.#dude #i very specifically told them to hurry the fuck up THEY were the ones making us late #i have told them a hundred times the minimum time i jeed to get ready #i told them this morning too that you guys make us late then put it all on me #nad she went like oh no dear dont worry that wont happen #WELL GUESS WHAT BITCH #and like the lecture and huge ass scolding and then cold shouldet ive been getting from BOTH of them before i left for coachinh #im just tired atp #idk its not even that big a deal this happens everyday #i dont know how to feel #idk if im even rly feeling anything atp #its just that i really fucking hate being here #I wanna get the fuck out #but thing is this makes me feel kinda guilty occasionally #for eg a few days ago i was rly sick and she took care of me kinda #and then that made me feel bad for hating her #but then things like this happen and i cant help it and i feel so conflicted #i dont want to stay here i know that for sure but i feel guilty for it #if i speak im being rude and backtalking #if i dont speak im being rude and ignoring #the fuck am i supposed to do????#she always tells me to 'stay silent and just hear it'#and when i do that she keeps shouting again and again and finally i say smth bc although its extremely fucking dumb of me to open my mouth

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jessiesjaded · 8 months ago

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random picture dump :)

#cat update: theyre good #clancy update: he just ate roast chicken so hes also good #jess update: Im good #im happier rn than anytime since 2020 i think #still up and down but way less up and down- if that makes sense?#its nice its good- its autumn now and i always look forward to winter #suffice to say: i hope you guys are well too #i saw in an email i have messages on discord but last time i attempted to log in it wouldnt allow me so... if you msged there and i never #responded its bc i cant get in to respond and tbh #i think discord was maybe terrible for my mental health #which is a little sad bc that was the main way i talked to people but also... idk #jury is currently out on that front we'll see maybe i'll download it again #but regardless i miss you but im well and i hope youre well and i hope one day coming back wont feel so daunting #relationships are hard arent they? i hate things changing and ending more than anything else in the world #side effect of my dad dying when i was little i think #but the main thing thats been making me feel guilty and uneasy lately is feeling guilt about disappearing from people so again!#im trying and we'll see !#yeah :)

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puppyeared · 10 months ago

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i feel shy talking here when i dont have anything worth sharing but i cant help feeling like ive said things in the tags that could be brought up in court

#im joking #i think i just get embarrassed saying smth that most ppl can see out in the open. its like when prey animals are grazing in a pasture #and then they hear a twig snap yk. im like that. but talking in the tags is more comfortable because it just feels more.. hidden?? quiet???#its kind of like how i prefer responding thru asks than DMs.. idk if it has something to do with space or less pressure #i also use these as an excuse to ramble a little abt recent events so. ive worked a little bit on shuffle and prestos backstories ^_^#i was thinking abt giving them a shared past where they knew each other as kids and forgot but i also though hmm.. idk if it would drive th #story i want bc i think itd be better if they bonded over similar experiences instead of the fact that they knew each other before. i get #that reconnecting and reconciling your idea of someone now and then is a good concept but id have to think abt it.. i dont want it to feel #like they owe each other to be friends again just bc they were as kids. ive experienced that a lot and all it did was make me feel guilty #so i think id want to write it as u can be friends with someone who had similar experiences and make u wish you knew each other then #i also know theyd hate each other but idk HOW. i suck at writing conflict so idk if theyd try to make each other eat glass and why #idk if itll ever come up but id also like to see if theres a way i could rationalize why they have animal ears.. normally i say aliens #but ive had an idea for a species and background for that too. although its very abstract and it probably has a lot of holes #smth abt peoples souls attaching themselves to smth they identify with.. although i dont know to what extent like if it can #be called a sona or if it can even be smth mythical like a unicorn or god itself.. its very weird rn #yapping #oc talk

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adore-gregor · 3 days ago

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Lol I keep on doing this, saying I'd come back to tumblr to only disappear again 😂😭

#and i hate it bc i miss being on here #but also i don't have to force myself or feel guilty for it #bc if i'm fr being on social media is just so time consuming and also not what is good for my mental health often #and that includes tumblr #it's not even that it's a toxic place (at least not the content i'm consuming) but sometimes i just rather spend my time with people irl #meeting someone than on social media and like focus on my life #the last month or so was just really difficult for me and i haven't been feeling so bad mentally in forever #i mean it always is like that that time of the year but i feel like i was worse this year #whenever autumn comes around with the darkness and cold i seem to hit a low mentally #when i tell you how much better my mood is in summer spring how much better i feel everyday regardless of everything else #i get people like autumn but for me its literally the worst and winter too altough at some point it gets better #maybe i adapt and maybe because i spend more time outside around christmas when i go home that's usually a turning point #and ig also the lights of december make it a bit better #but mid october to november is awful #this year the weather was much worse beginning of october was much worse #i feel like i lowkey have this seasonal mood disorder idk #but i barely managed to go to classes and i had no motivation #usually i always make myself study and do the things i have to atleast altough i often terribly procrastinate #but now i was barely able to do this and i had things to do but i couldn't make myself i missed a deadline closely #luckily my professors are the best but i felt so horrible for it how i was unable to get it done #sunlight is just so good for my mood and ik how doctors say how you should avoid it because you can get skincancer #but like i'd rather than my mental health being this bad (not that i want either)#i already miss summer so much and being happier #but tbh i haven't felt this good as I do today in weeks and even this whole week was better #i exercised more than usual altough i tried to in the last weeks i couldn't as often as i normally do so maybe this actually helps a lot #and i studied yesterday today and i will tomorrow i finally feel motivation again #besides i also tried to break up with my bf so that was also tough but i couldn't lol #i tried talking to him and tell him in the nicest way but he didn't get what i was trying to do and i couldn't say more bc i felt horrible #but maybe that's for the better altough i had these thoughts for a while that he just isn't the one for me and that we're too different...#i do really like him as a person the way he treats me and i'm still into him but i just felt like it wouldn't work

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prick-love-for-arting · 1 year ago

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... Mhm

#haikyuu!!#fan art #sketch #yahaba shigeru #traditional art #haikyuu art #vent art #idk if it actually is but its there in case people dont want to see that kind of stuff #anyway im going to rambling about projecting for a bit because im not feeling so hot rn #1 its low self esteem hours for... reasons I'd rather not disclose because i dont need others feeling bad about it anyway blah blah blah #constant feelings of being undesirable and like im not valuable for just myself throwing that onto Yahaba and his relationship to oikawa #2 i feel very guilty about the way I'm feeling atm because other people are very happy and i just feel like im making things about me being #sad if i say anything to those involved #3 i hate asking for attention and feeling like I'm going out of my way trying to get it when everyone else seems like it just fucking #happens to them instead of searching for it #man maybe getting bullied in middle school did have a lasting impact on me #drawing my boy crying keeps me from crying!!#screaming and crying and whatever else goes with it #anyway...#mutuals please dont ask me about this i just needed to throw it out into the void

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phagodyke · 8 days ago

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kind of annoys me sometimes how I can happily listen to my roommate explain the entire plot of whatever she's currently into but when it comes to my interests she can only listen for a few mins before wordlessly walking out of the room

#ive only slept 4 hours and its a sunday so im probably just cranky and getting irrationally annoyed idk.#but i wanted to talk abt revenant gun bc im enjoying it and havent gotten to discuss it w anyone :-(#i dont wanna post on here bc i dont wanna see spoilers and i dont have anything to say that other fans would find particularly interesting #ik half the arcs of the veilguard characters despite the fact ill never play it bc i like listening to her + hearing her opinions #but damn i guess she doesnt gaf shes got better things to do. im not being fair i get we jusr socialise differently n thats fine.#and ik its not true but sometimes i feel like she doesnt like being around me very much bc shes always halfway out the door #and she doesnt suggest we watch shit together anymore n has turned me down the last few times ive suggested it #but ik shes doing shit w other ppl shes always calling n playing games n stuff w other friends so well maybe its a little true #and she acts so strange around me sometimes like she'll move to the other side of the room if i go open the fridge or whatever #like damn girl im not gonna fucking bite u. whats up with the constant 5ft distance. bc u dont ever do that with other friends just me.#and then it pisses me off when it sort of comes up as a side thing to smth else bc it ONLY ever comes up around other ppl she'll never #bring it up directly with me and she'll blame it on me as if we havent had this conversation multiple times where ive explained exactly #why im weird abt shit sometimes and where my boundaries are and what i would like and then nothing at all changes #like last time she brought it up around another friend she was like oh well we can hug more if u want like no we fucking cant bc u act #like we're magnetically repulsed u hate me being in ur space and only tolerate it when we're around other ppl which is why it makes ME #uncomfortable when she does try to be physically affectionate or whatever bc she 100% exclusively does it in front of others #like man u dont have to put on a fucking performance??? or even worse do it just bc u feel guilty abt leaving me out i hate being pitied #even if ik i very obviously do get hurt at being left out. but thats my problem man i would never fuck w someone elses boundaries #i hate hate hate when ppl have inconsistent conditional boundaries and never communicate what the fucking conditions are so theyre #constantly moving the benchposts around and acting unpredictably like how am i supposed to know where they are!!!!!! please #snd then so embarrassing to pointedly say its bc of MY behaviour in front of someone else like oh ok. u couldnt have told me this before.#in private so we could actually communicatr. sorry this has gotten so off track im feeling so gross this morning and everything is #frustrating me im so tired i feel nauseous ughhhh #okay well anyway. got my list of tasks lets just focus on this shit instead before i spend yet another sunday miserably ruminating #.vent #im not actually mad at her or anything like i said we just socialise differently we have different incompatible flavours of autism #and thats not her fault but its just so frustrating that we cant seem to communicate very well. i think im allowed to be frustrated #anyway yeah sorry im leaving it im leaving it. i should go polish my boots before i shower

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anaalnathrakhs · 6 months ago

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"people love you uwu people care about you" okay? not my problem. love me less. can we work out a reasonable level of care where it's obviously not cool if horrible things happen to me, a human being, and you won't do any horrible thing to me, but you don't feel obligated to fuss over anything out of the ordinary i do and i have to shut up about it and perform Normal Human Emotions lest i commit an awful social faux pas and hurt your feelings?

#like idk. can you care about stuff that matters? i guess is what i'm asking?#sorry that my own self-directed problems hurt you <3 #sorry that i'm a horrible person if i talk about it and a horrible person if i don't <3 #i just shouldn't have problems i guess cant believe i didnt think abt that #sorry i don't really care if people would be sad to see me die #would actually be pretty nice to get past the huge feeling of guilt over not being helpful all the fucking time #like i can't go through life being a service dog for everybody around me #(and i dont to be clear. it's not possible and when i say i feel guilty over not doing it it doesn't mean i do 100% of the time)#(i do try to be helpful and useful and i hate missing an opportunity but also i don't have 24/7 free of obligations)#(and i can't magically spot and correctly understand what could need help)#(but i feel like it does take up a good portion of my life. mostly bc everybody around me has Problems rn)#(and because the overlap of ''things that feel good for me'' and ''things that are good for other people'' is pretty small so far)#it's just. yknow. i would like it if for once i could express a negative feeling without it being a huge offense to people around me #ejhrkthrjeh i know i'm just asking the universe if pretty please my actions could have zero consequences and it's overall unrealistic #but like. god. i wish for once it was met with indifference. casual vibes. not a huge deal yknow.#some of my friends do sometimes! it's nice! but of course i can't talk abt the problems that directly include them #i know it makes me so shit at reacting to ppls problems. like either i overcompensate with the worry cuz i feel like thats what they want #or i react coldly and dont provide anything useful to the situation #broadcasting my misery #vent

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widevibratobitch · 8 months ago

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#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡#and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡#like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

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xamaxenta · 2 years ago

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I rly should change my phone number

#my family keeps trying to contact me and . idk.#sad as it is and maybe its pathetic as fuck but i like setting fire to bridges #it just makes me feel like shit and guilty that my brothers are trying so hard to keep in touch #and i just dont want to #its not their fault its not their fault its my fucking parents #but i cant stomach meeting them anymore or talking to them its a me issue its my pride or my guilt or both in one nasty knot #this is my own making. i could take their outstretched hands.#but i cant and i dont know why and and im disturbed and upset over the concept of them trying so hard when ive never returned the favour #because im a horrible person they don’t deserve this stress #and they should leave me alone.#everyone would be happier if they forgot me within my family that is #im sorry and thanks for trying to love me but i guess i havent loved my family back in a long time and it makes me feel so fucking awful #like why? youre my family. like my brothers are cool theyre so nice and theyre understanding they accept me #and yet. im a fucking idk idk idk like. i just cant take it.#thats all #:(((#my brothers say they love me and i believe them #but I genuinely i hate that i feel this way but i dont care about them the same way they care about me #its so self centered and shit. and i dont know why i feel this way.#like theres nothing we have left #and its because of me #delete later #sorry for ranting on christmas lmfao #im feeling a lot of shit feelings that all self inflicted #im sorry but i know i dont mean it.#because i have no feelings other than resentment and an ugly bitterness

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i-am-a-fucking-nerd · 1 year ago

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have a horrible headache and usually headaches are a combo of things (esp not eating/sleeping enough) which could be the reason i have one today but. also i smoked thu which was 2 days ago and usually i get a headache 2 days after smoking. and im just. i already wrote a diary entry talking abt it and how i feel guilty and bad for like a million different reasons but now i'm also just incredibly frustrated w myself bc why do i do this!!!!!!!!!!!! i can go weeks and months w/o smoking i don't NEED to do this!!!!!