#idk guess I just needed something to feel

[bucketbueckers]

mess me up - paige bueckers

pairing: paige bueckers x fem!reader wc: 6.1k content warnings: language, abuse of italics, grammatically incorrect past tense flashback, smut robbery(?), pretty mature but nothing graphic synopsis: your friends invited you out to a frat party to celebrate the men’s team winning the NCAA tournament where you bump into paige bueckers, the girl who you're in love with and who you ghosted for a month after hooking up with her. a much-needed conversation at the party forces you to revisit difficult memories and give her the closure she’s been seeking. notes: idk what this is! based loosely off of 'friends' and 'mess me up' by chase atlantic. unfortunately the smut robbery line is for real, like it's smut in the way lacroix tastes like real fruit (which is to say it's not smut, but like concepts of smut... 😝 (i've never had lacroix idk if this is accurate)) side note i hate writing in past tense but doing a traditional flashback scene is corny as hell! idk if it matters but this is set april 2024 (w/ a february 2024 flashback); doesn't really affect anything, so... anyway, second post on tumblr, lmk if we're rocking w it 🙂‍↕️

For the record, you didn’t want to come to this party.

It’s hot, sweaty, loud, and all you can smell is the same brand of men’s cologne and weed. The air is both stale and somehow feels wet and all you can think about is getting back to your apartment so you can shower and go to bed. You had a mock trial bright and early the next morning and your law professor was a stickler for punctuality and presentability – showing up with wrinkled clothes and smelling like a frat party was a sure-fire way to fail, and you had too much riding on your grades to let that happen.

The frat (whose name you’ve already forgotten) was celebrating the NCAA tournament win for the UCONN men’s basketball team. They’d apparently gone back to back, which you guess is cool, but you swore off basketball a long time ago. If you had your way, you’d be at home, three steps into your skincare routine, but you let peer pressure get the best of you and allowed your friends to drag you out.

It’d be fun, they said. You never come out with us! You’re spending all this tuition money and you’re not even taking advantage of it. How can you say you don’t like it if you’ve never tried it?

You only remember that your friends are law students, too, in the most unfortunate of moments when they put their persuasiveness to the test. In the most unfortunate of moments, you’re also reminded of the fact that they’re college students, too, because they’re leaving you at the door and rushing off to find something to drink. You weren’t upset they dragged you out. Not necessarily. You were grown enough to say no. Perhaps you’d simply set your expectations too high when they begged you to come out and you thought they would spend at least a little bit of time with you before doing their own thing. But sure. It’s whatever.

So, here you are – standing alone in the corner of a frat party, watching as drunk college students grind against each other, laugh, and have a good time. A part of you feels like you’re missing out, but as you watch somebody throw up into a plant, you feel like you’re just fine where you are.

You’re drawn from your thoughts when a man wearing a backwards cap suddenly shows up next to you. “Yo, you thirsty?” he yells over the music, thrusting a red solo cup into your empty hands. You don’t have the time to say anything to him before he’s grinning at you, eyes red and hooded. “Come dance with me. You’re too pretty to be standin’ here all alone.”

You hear her before you see her.

“She’s good, bro, trust,” Paige interrupts smoothly, throwing a casual arm around your shoulders. You feel too much like a damsel in distress, but sensing the gravity of the situation, you flash the guy a light smile and lean into Paige slightly. Her grip tightens. You try to not let it bother you.

He raises his hands, surrendering. “My bad. You got it.”

Paige hums, unconvinced, as he leaves. When he’s out of your sight, you wrench yourself out of her grip. “Thank you, but not necessary,” you tell her sharply, red solo cup still in your hand. If this was how your night was going to go, then you need to be a little tipsy to survive it. You barely have it halfway to your mouth before Paige is pulling it out of your grasp, pouring its contents into a potted plant and chucking the cup into a nearby trash can. “What the fu–”

“First of all,” she begins, arms crossing protectively, “never accept a drink at a party that you didn’t pour, didn’t see someone else pour, or a drink that’s already open; matter fact, don’t accept a drink unless you opened it or brought it in yourself.”

You roll your eyes slightly. “This is Storrs, Paige. Do the frats really get down like that here?”

Her gaze is unimpressed. “You’re the law student, ma, you tell me the numbers. Second of all, you’re welcome. That was Kylin. He doesn’t take no for an answer in the first place but he’s all kinds of fucked up right now. I’d say I did you a favor but I wanted to talk to you, anyway.”

“Funny,” you deadpan. “Here? Now?”

“What are you doing here?” she asks you, ignoring your snippy words. “Thought this wasn’t your scene.”

You pause. “It’s not,” you confirm. “Jos and Chelsea wanted me to come out. Figured I should be a good friend once in a while.”

Paige raises a brow. “Jos and Chelsea are too busy playing strip poker with dudes from Kappa Phi to keep an eye on you, and you’re worried about having to be a good friend?”

“First of all,” you say in the know-it-all tone that Paige had used on you, “I don’t need them to keep an eye on me.” The blonde hums again, not entirely convinced, and the heat of her gaze makes you stumble over your words slightly. “Second of all, why do you even care?”

“We’re friends,” she states.

“We were once,” you correct, voice softening. It’s no secret that you and Paige had fucked up whatever you had going on. It’s never been clear whose fault your fallout was (it was yours), nor could the two of you ever agree on what destroyed you (you would argue that you shouldn’t hook up with your friends, especially not the ones you were in love with). It was a messy situation that you were sure the two of you couldn’t recover from (you didn’t want to be friends with someone you couldn’t have; Paige just wants you to give her the chance to prove you otherwise).

“Sure,” she agrees half-heartedly, knowing your spiel by heart now. “Kinda fucked up you think I need a reason to care.” You don’t dignify that with a proper response, feeling something strangely like guilt corroding your heart. “Come outside and get some air with me? Please? Just wanna talk, no funny shit, I promise.”

You sigh, feeling yourself fall back into all too familiar routines. You had a near inability to say no to Paige most times – it was the reason why you had to put a stop to your friendship. And here you are now, undoing all of the progress you’ve made since you’ve been apart (a small part of you knows better; you’re moving forward but you’re not really doing any better. You’re not progressing. You’re just stuck now, only this time, you have less than you did before). “Jos and Chelsea–”

“–made their choice,” she finishes for you. “And their choice was strip poker with a guy named Anthony,” she adds solemnly. You can’t help but quirk a smile at the absurdity of your life right now. “C’mon, please? It fucking reeks in here. They’ve got a porch swing outside and it’s all quiet and shit.”

“You’ve always had a way with words,” you tease.

“You comin’ or nah?” she asks, but you shove her forward (she lets you) and she leads you through the crowd to the door. They part like the Red Sea and you can’t help but admire the way she silently commands the room, feeling a flutter in your chest you try desperately to stomp out. It’s like a fire; all it takes is a small spark before it eventually grows out of proportion. You know better now.

The door shuts behind the two of you and you sit on the porch swing. You can still hear the music’s pounding bass, but it’s muted. You feel like you can hear your thoughts now. The tension in your shoulders eases as you take in the crisp night air, the crickets’ chirps, the occasional owl’s hoot. For a moment, you forget all of the complicated history between you and Paige; the way she held your hand as she kissed up your thigh, the way she stayed afterwards, cleaning you up and bringing you water. It almost seems as Paige is reliving all of it, too, as she looks at you, and that thought is sobering enough to bring you back to the moment.

You finally get a good look at what she’s wearing. It’s nothing outstanding; a gray Nike tech suit and a pair of dunks, although she’s opted to leave her jacket unzipped, revealing the crop top underneath. She’s dressed for comfort, though the most unfair part of it all is how good she looks when she’s not trying. Her cheekbones are sharp, eyes blue and wide and alert, and you can’t help but notice how fitting a slick-back bun is on her.

This was precisely why you needed your space. You couldn’t control your thoughts or feelings. It was manageable when you minded your business – the phrase out of sight, out of mind did wonders for you and you were usually busy enough that she only crossed your mind once or twice a week when the student population was buzzing about a recent game. But now? Now you’re fucked. You’re inches away from her and you’ve allowed her to pull you back into her orbit. She’s the Earth and you’re a meteor – any closer and you won’t be able to come back from the damage you would do to each other. She would survive, you’re sure, but you’d be destroyed in the process.

“So,” she says slowly. You avert your eyes, staring at anything but her. “How you been?”

“Good,” you lie. “Keeping busy.” That part was less of a lie, but it wasn’t her business to know.

Paige has always been good at reading you, so she gazes at you like she’s not convinced. “I think we’re overdue a conversation,” she says, surprising you. “A real one. No more of this running in circles bullshit.”

“Okay,” you agree hesitantly. You finally meet her eyes. They’re strikingly blue, disarming, and you feel an odd mixture of guilt and longing eat away at your insides. She looks like she’s drinking you in, like she’s trying to understand why you did what you did; her eyes soften in the dim glow of the porchlight and you can’t help but flush under her gaze. She always understands you in spite of how often you push her away – she seems to understand why you keep her at arm’s length, too, and it’s then that you fully understand how overwhelming it is to be known.

“Why did you leave?” she asks finally. You have to swallow back the bile in your throat. “The morning after.” Her clarification does nothing to soothe the turmoil in your stomach. “I thought…” Paige’s throat bobs as she tries to find the words. “It wasn’t a hook up. It meant something to me – everything to me. So why did you leave like that shit ain’t matter to you?”

That night in February comes back to you in the blur of a memory. You’ve thought about it so often that you could write a play-by-play of it; every single unremarkable detail comes back to you in a flourish of vibrant color – the way the floor felt beneath your feet as Paige guided you into her room, the slight scratch of her nail against the base of your neck as her hands found purchase in your hair. Paige was wrong. It meant something to you, too much to you. You often remind yourself, if it meant that much, why was it easier to run away? Jumping off of a diving board into a pool conceptually means the same thing as jumping off of a cliffside into beach waves; the jump isn’t the hard part, it’s the reminder of the distance between your feet and the surface. Your feelings for Paige are too consuming. It’s easier to not make the jump at all than it is to worry if you’ll be able to come up for air.

She was in high spirits, drunk off of their win against Villanova. They weren’t an opponent you’d typically call home for, but the Huskies were having a tough season with several injured players and a lot of underclassmen. It was close, 67-46; Paige had contributed to a little less than half of their points overall with a solid 31. She was happy, the rest of her team was happy, and she’d begged you to come over to her apartment for the post-game festivities – which was usually games and snacks as they weren’t big on drinking during the season. You’d nearly refused at first. It was supposed to be a small team get-together and you had some work to catch up on. You eventually gave in, like you always do. Paige had flashed her typical, charming smile, looping an arm around your waist, and you were a goner.

The team accepted you like you were one of their own, too. That was new. You didn’t spend as much time with them as you did with Jos and Chelsea, but it felt like you knew them better than you knew Jos and Chelsea, anyway. Ice and KK were two menacing peas in a pod – they were like sisters separated at birth and whenever they were together, something chaotic was bound to happen, but they loved and protected fiercely despite the way they teased each other and the team. Caroline was like the team mother and many of the girls called her such. Nika was intense on the court, but off of it, she was Paige’s twin through and through – they always had something to say to each other and their banter often brought smiles to everyone’s faces. Azzi was sweet and well-loved by the team (and the student population in general). She introduced you to her and Paige’s son Ines, which confused you at first, but Paige threw her arm over your shoulder and assured you that they’re only co-parenting because Carol has enough children and they didn’t want Ines to be a ward of the court. You couldn’t help but smile at that, leaning into Paige – something about the team’s dynamic healed you a little, and Ines joked that Paige went out and got her a stepmom.

You felt the blush creep up your neck as Paige tightened her grip around you slightly. “I didn’t want you to find out like this, son,” Paige had said somberly, pretending to look sad as Azzi rolled her eyes. “Your mother was havin’ an affair–”

“Oh, bullshit!” Azzi cried. The entire room broke out into fits of giggles.

“Now I understand why Paige wifed up a lawyer,” KK said in between laughter. “Tryna get a discount on that divorce, huh?”

The team had tears in their eyes from their excitement – you didn’t have the heart to tell them you were hoping to specialize in civil litigation, so you just laughed along. The conversation continued to flow as games were played. Nika was exceptionally bad at UNO and Paige never let her hear the end of it. You guys only managed to play a couple of rounds before Nika suddenly got good and played a +4, prompting Ice and KK to stack +4s of their own onto it – Paige stared in disbelief for a solid thirty seconds before picking up 12 cards and rage-quitting one turn later when KK skipped her.

“There, there,” you’d said, lips trembling as you tried not to laugh at the look on Paige’s face. You rubbed her shoulder comfortingly, and she pushed you off her gently, her own lips quirking in amusement. “Show this card game who’s boss.”

“Bro,” she grumbled, but she couldn’t keep the smile off her face as she leaned back into the couch, her arm finding home over the back of your shoulders once more. You remember wondering if this is what normal felt like, what finally finding a community was like – you fit in too well with Paige’s teammates and they made you feel at home. Being near Paige made you feel at home. She was talented that way. She had an uncanny ability to make people feel at ease, regaling them with jokes and an endless supply of charm. When you realized you were in love with Paige Bueckers, you weren’t surprised about it. If anything, you might have been a little upset with yourself – you were sure you weren’t the only person she’d drawn in unintentionally, ensnared in a web whose latticework was meticulously shaped like basketball netting.

As the night went on, more and more laughs were shared until the clock reached midnight and many of Paige’s teammates got up to leave. Everyone shared hugs and affectionate goodnights. All of them even looped around to hug you – which was… nice. Paige shared her apartment with Azzi and Aubrey, so they retired to their own rooms after curious glances to you and Paige, still curled up together on the couch.

The apartment was quiet. You could hear the ring of silence as it enveloped the two of you, Paige’s gentle breathing, and the tick of the clock. It was oddly comforting; normally, it would have lulled you into a drowsy state, but you couldn’t focus on anything but the heat of Paige’s body next to yours, the brush of her thumb against your shoulder. Feeling both unmoored and tethered, you shift next to Paige, gathering her attention. “I should go,” you’d whispered. Her thumb halted.

“Stay,” she requested. She tilted her head. Her gaze met yours. You expected her eyes to be half-closed, dim with sleep. The rasp of her voice was attributed to a tone you knew she’d adopt when she was exhausted, but her eyes were wide, alert, dilated, a blue so dark you were sure you almost mistook the sheer want for something else. “Stay,” she murmured again. “Please.”

“Yeah,” you agreed almost breathlessly, feeling her hand squeeze your shoulder gently. “Sure.” She untangles from you and stands from the couch, offering you her hand, and you take it. She led you seamlessly through the dark of her apartment into her bedroom, where she released you long enough to rifle through her drawers, having found you a pair of shorts and an old t-shirt for you to wear to bed. Paige pointed you towards the bathroom. You changed into her clothes. Your fingers had shook with anticipation at the sheer domesticity of it all as you stared at your reflection in the mirror. Your – her – t-shirt read HOPKINS GIRLS BASKETBALL. It had all felt so different now. You hadn’t been sure at the moment if it terrified you or excited you.

You exited the bathroom to find Paige’s back to you, adjusting the band of a pair of basketball shorts around her hips. Her hair was out of her bun and it cascaded down her back in loose, wavy strands; you’d felt an inexplicable urge to run your fingers through it, to find out if her hair was as soft as it looked. She was wearing a dark black sports bra. The two of you were friends. Granted, you were in love with her, but the sight of her wearing nothing but ball shorts and her Nike bra shouldn’t have done the things it did to you.

“Which side is yours?” you’d asked, mostly to break the silence. You ignored the crack in your voice. Paige paid it no mind as she turned, which forced you to avert your eyes, trying not to glance at her abdominals.

“Don’t matter,” she responded. You watched the way she moved, sitting low on the bed, legs long and stark against the purple of her comfort. “You gettin’ in or what?” You hoped she couldn’t see the flush on your neck. You slid into bed next to her, hoping to maintain some sort of distance, but she refused to let you get too far. She slung her arm over your waist, fingers brushing against your skin where your shirt rode up. Her breath was even against your neck and the heat of her body nearly turned your brain into mush. “This okay?” she asked, tone softer.

“Mhm,” you hummed, afraid to speak or you might fuck up and tell her just how okay it actually was. Paige was just a touchy person, you tried to remind yourself as you felt the tickle of her hair against the nape of your neck. This doesn’t mean anything to her. It was all for naught. It did little to quell the way your heart raced, the way the heat pooled low in your belly.

“You looked good tonight,” she said casually. You tried to stop the goosebumps as they rose on your flesh. “You always do.”

Unable to think of something smart to say, you shifted your body slightly, your fingers splaying over the arm she held tight around your midsection. “Oh, yeah?” Her fingers brushed a little lower on your stomach, grazing the waistband of your shorts.

She hummed an affirmative, pulling you tighter against herself, and you could barely breathe. It was overwhelming in the best way – she was all around you. Physically, you felt as though you were in her skin as she greedily pulled you in. The scent of her was everywhere; the shampoo that seeped into her pillows, the cologne on her neck. Your hair stood on end as her lips brushed almost imperceptibly against the shell of your ear. “‘M glad you came tonight,” she whispered.

You flipped on your side, face-to-face with Paige. Her arm moved enough for you to get situated and once you were, her hand found the small of your back, her palm warm against your skin. You can’t help the way your breath hitched, even as Paige’s eyes seemed to take in the stuttering rise and fall of your chest. Having found some courage, you poked her cheek, drawing her eyes back up to yours. “What are we doing?” you asked finally, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable. Her brow raised slightly, the dark blue of her gaze illuminated by the streaks of moonlight through her window. “No funny shit, Paige. You touch me like you want me, claim me in front of your friends.” You searched her eyes as she fell silent. “What are we doing?” you repeated, voice firmer.

“I want you,” she confessed after a few heartbeats of contemplation. She leaned in closer to you, your noses nearly brushing, and she continued, “I want you so fucking bad. Don’t wanna do anything you’ont want, but–”

Your lips were on hers before she had the chance to finish. She responded eagerly, one hand firm around your waist as she flipped the both of you over, pulling you to straddle her waist. You leaned down, your chest against hers, hands on each side of her neck. You felt the thundering of her pulse under your fingers. It was stabilizing in a sense – words were one thing, but to feel how badly you’d been able to affect her, too, did wonders for your growing ego. Paige’s hands had found your hips, keeping you pressed against her body.

You parted briefly to catch your breath. Paige’s chest heaved, her lips shiny and swollen. She was hard to look away from. For a moment, you’d wondered if this was worth it. Your heart had raced, beating uncontrollably; it felt like too much and not enough at the same time. Everything would change between the two of you. Was one night with Paige worth the risk of losing your friendship? You feel too strongly, too much, overwhelmingly. You’ve been told by an ex or two that you were simply too much. You wouldn’t want to subject Paige to that.

Her right hand met your face, tracing the line of your bottom lip. “You want this?” she asked. Her eyes were blown wide, more pupil than iris, but something about it entranced you. The desire in her eyes had brought fresh heat to your stomach, but coupled with the fact she’d be willing to stop made your heart beat a little faster. She was enough to quell your worries, settling the irregularity of your thoughts. You nodded, leaning down to connect your lips again, but her hand was insistent against your jaw as she held you back. “Words,” she commanded.

You’d barely resisted an eyeroll. “Yes, Paige,” you affirmed. Her hand loosened, eyes searching yours. “Want you.”

Her smile turned smug. “Yeah? How bad?”

The tease sent white-hot desire straight through your body as your hips rolled against hers, trying to find some relief. Her hands fall back down to your waist, helping you rut against her thigh as a shared flush creeped up both of your necks. “You gonna touch me?” you breathed against her lips. Her breath came out a disjointed stutter when you guided her hand to the swell of your ass. It was unnatural – Paige was so sure, so confident. To have her nearly at your mercy was like a drug through your veins, but you didn’t want her there. You wanted Paige fully in control; you wanted her to take care of you, to give you everything you’d fantasized about for months on end. You wanted her so bad it rewired the coding in your brain. There was something about her that broke down all of the walls you spent years building.

Your actions and words had been the only permission she needed. One of her hands gripped the flesh of your ass as the other one cupped the back of your neck. Her nail scratched you inadvertently as she dragged you back down to connect your lips – the slight echo of pain caused you to whine against her lips, a sound she swallowed greedily before she flipped the two of you over once more. Your head fell back against her pillows as she rucked up your shirt, finding that you’d opted to not wear a bra. She groaned indulgently, one large hand coming up to squeeze one of your breasts and her mouth finding the other one.

You ran your fingers through her hair, gripping it tight as she lavished you with attention. “So fuckin’ pretty,” she murmured against you, voice dripping with want. She pressed her knee against your core as she found her way back to your lips, kissing you deeply and drawing another whimper from your parted lips. It sent a jolt through your body. “You gon’ let me do what I want, huh? Get you right?”

“Paige, please,” you begged, all of the shame having left your body as you ground down against her knee, feeling the pleasure and relief simultaneously. “Fuck, do what you want, I don’t care – just please fucking touch me.”

She shushed you, lips back on yours, tongue brushing against your lips like she was trying to take whatever you’d give her. And at that point, you would have given her anything if it meant she’d stop teasing you. “I got you, ma, jus’ relax,” she whispered against your lips. She trailed a blazing path down your chest, leaving hickies as she went. Paige reached the waistband of your shorts; she pressed a sloppy kiss to your navel before bunching her fingers in and pulling them off, throwing them haphazardly into the room.

The air was cold against you. You were breathing heavily by then, eyes squeezed shut in anticipation. Her hand untwisted yours from the bedsheets, linking your fingers together, and that touch alone was enough to bring you back down to earth. “I got you,” she promised again, reminding you, pressing diligent kisses against the inside of your thigh. You relaxed ever so slightly against her, feeling as though you could breathe a little easier, but your body was still incredibly high strung. Paige squeezed your hand. Then her mouth was on you, and you were done for.

She held your hand as she went down on you, talking you through it until your orgasm reached its peak and you sunk into the bed bonelessly. She didn’t release you when she came back up, her smile a mix of smugness, pride, and quiet adoration. Paige kissed your knuckles, your cheeks, your lips, drawing a contented sigh out of you. “You good?” she asked, brushing your hair out of your eyes, hand cradling your jaw.

Exhausted, all you could do was hum an affirmative. Paige flashed a small smile again, pressing a kiss to your forehead and crawling off the bed, much to your surprise. “Lemme get you some water,” she said. “‘M coming right back, I promise.”

You nodded wordlessly, closing your eyes and sinking back into the pillows as your breathing evens out. She left her room, the door shutting with a silent click. In the silence of Paige’s bedroom, curled up in her purple comforter, all you can think about is how the future of your friendship has inexplicably changed forever. She said she wanted you. Did she just mean sexually? Paige was always intentional in her communication, a byproduct of her media training. Tears brimmed your eyes when you considered the idea that you might have just been another Wednesday night fling for her. Here you are again, feeling stupid about the overwhelming feelings you harbored for Paige despite your better judgment. The worst part was that it wasn’t her fault. You got your hopes up.

You wiped your eyes when you heard the door open again. Paige crossed the room, cracking open a cold bottle of water for you and pressing it to your lips. You nearly forgot about your inner turmoil when she smiled at you again, having thrown her hair back up into its bun. “Gonna clean you up, okay?” she informed you. At your nod, she runs a warm washcloth between your thighs, getting rid of the lingering stickiness. She carefully redressed you, squeezing your hips gently, and you’re left feeling so incredibly conflicted that you’re breathless with the anxiety. Paige disposed of the washcloth and curled up next to you in bed once more, an arm wrapping around your midsection. You’d told each other goodnight, but as her breath evens out against your neck, your mind races.

You slept fitfully through the night. And when morning light rolled around, you extracted yourself from Paige’s grip, sliding a pillow into her arms. The nervousness and all of your overthinking thoughts made you queasy with grief. You were in love with Paige Bueckers. That much was true. You were too head over heels for her to return to normalcy; you couldn’t. At that point, it would be easier for you to not be friends with her at all than to pretend like she wasn’t everything you’d ever wanted.

As she slept, you casted one last guilty look over your shoulder and you ran.

But that night in February has long since passed, and on the porch swing on a much warmer night in April, Paige stares at you in desperation, seeking answers to the questions you’ve withheld for over a month. “Why did you leave?” she asks you again. “Fuck, tell me the truth, lie to me, whatever, just please give me something to work with.”

“It was overwhelming,” you finally admit, twisting the rings on your fingers. You feel terrible as you glance at Paige, whose eyes soften when she takes in your expression.

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I shoulda seen that something was wrong.”

You close your eyes, lips trembling. You’re touched at how she instantly takes responsibility for your fuck ups, thinking she’s done something wrong. “No, Paige,” you correct her. “Fuck. It wasn’t you. It was never you.” You pick at a loose string on your shorts. She stares at you, waiting for you to continue. “You were so gentle. That night meant everything to me, and that was the problem. I wanted you so bad – Jesus Christ, I was in love with you for months. I don’t do casual. I always feel too strongly and I loved you so much that it was fucking overwhelming. I woke up and nearly lost it because I couldn’t handle the idea of having you like that and having to pretend like I didn’t want you like that forever. It was so much easier to run and not face the possibility of having to be your friend when all I’ve wanted was more.”

When you finally look back to Paige, her eyes are wide with something that looks strangely like grief, like you’ve pulled the rug from under her feet and watched as she fell. As you think about it, that’s probably what you’ve done, anyway. She spent so long thinking that your fallout was her fault, that it was something she’d done, but the ugly truth of the matter was that you were too scared of the way you felt for her that you ran from it instead. Paige runs a frustrated hand over her jaw, her expression nearly unreadable. You frown. “I’m sorry,” you say quietly, knowing that your apology is long overdue. You fucked up so incredibly bad with her. Your brain remembers her prior words, the ‘It wasn’t a hook up. It meant something to me – everything to me,’ and you suddenly feel like an idiot. God, it was mutual this entire time and you were too caught up in yourself to realize it.

“You think too fucking much,” Paige says finally, and you hardly have the time to react before she’s kissing you, her hands gripping your hips. You nearly gasp against her lips before you fully register what’s happening. Sinking into it, you wrap your arms around her neck, feeling suddenly like everything is finally aligning, that all of your blurred focal points sharpen. When she pulls away, her eyes are alight with understanding. “So, lemme get this straight. You pushed me away ‘cause you’re in love with me, then we fucked, and you thought I wouldn’t wife you up?”

You frown, feeling stupid all over again. “Well, when you put it like that…yeah?”

Paige sighs. “Fuck. Look at my lawyer – you’d send dudes to jail left and fucking right ‘cause you jump to conclusions too early. Thank God you’re not going into criminal defense.”

You shove her away from you, feeling the embarrassment bloom on your cheeks. You can’t help but laugh as you say, “You’re an asshole.”

She guffaws, reaching for your hands, intertwining your fingers. “Says you! You ghosted me for a month and let me think I fucked us up. Jesus Christ.” She twists the ring on your finger mindlessly as she searches for the right words. “Okay, lemme be really fucking clear. I’m in love with you, too. Like, I’m fuckin’ crazy about you. There is nobody but you. You aren’t too much for me – I love you for you, no ifs, ands, buts, whys, hows, nothing. I know you thought you were protecting us by pushin’ me away, but you gotta let me make that choice, too. I want this with you, alright? Will you gimme that chance?”

Her words leave the two of you in silence. You can still hear the chirp of the crickets, the thrumming from the party indoors. You can feel the way her thumb brushes over your knuckles, the way her eyes bore into yours, patiently waiting for your decision. But distinctly, you can see the plea, the desperation for you to just give into what she knows the both of you are feeling. Your anxiety and constant overthinking never ruined the two of you. It may have set you back, but you and Paige found your way back to each other. Maybe you’re not a meteor, dangerously crashing into her and disintegrating on impact. Maybe the two of you are something simpler – the moon and the tide. She was never going to let you get hurt if only you’d give her the opportunity to show you that.

So, you take that leap – whether it’s off the diving board into the pool or the cliffside into beach waves, you don’t care. You know now that Paige is waiting for you at the surface. “I want this, too,” you affirm, watching the smile bloom on her face like springtime flowers, and you seal the deal by pressing your lips to hers. She responds eagerly, her arms tight around you. You loathe that it took the two of you this long, that it was your fault for not trusting Paige with your heart when she’s given you no real reason to doubt her; despite this, her lips taste like forgiveness and yours like atonement. In spite of everything, you made it here in the end, and it was worth it.

[v-arbellanaris]

hrmrmrm idk that i am actually all that impressed by this incredibly simplistic explanation im getting in veilguard of the archdemons basically just being regular dragons enthralled by the evanuris. like. sorry but isnt that literally what corypheus did with his dragon. im sorry okay, i just...

okay. let me try and explain my issue with it. solas says, in trespasser, the first of my people do not die so easily. and sure, i suppose a dragon is not exactly an easy kill except for the way there's literally dragon hunters in thedas. as the warden, i killed at least three dragons including urthemiel. hawke kills at least one high dragon. as the inquisitor i kill like. eleven. so its a difficult task. but clearly not impossible? and as we see with corypheus - kill the dragon, and the main body becomes completely vulnerable and mortal again. the pride demon in the opening was harder to kill than corypheus was after his dragon died. h*cruxing the dragon is so simple j/kr could've thought of this, and i feel cheated of the like... scale of the magic and power that the evanuris commanded before the veil came up? i dont want to see magic we already thought of, i want to see how a world without the veil allows them to command magic in a completely unimaginable, unfathomable way to the way we currently can conceptualise magic at all in thedas.

i guess you could argue that it's either solas' hubris or the evanuris' pride that they thought no one else would ever figure out the secret to effective immortality but there's apparently at least 200 shards of mythal swimming around out here possessing people and shit. you cant throw a fucking rock in thedas without hitting 3 mythals. that is what i would consider not dying easily. and, if they go down the route i suspect of confirming that the ancient elves are spirits made flesh, i wish there was some kind of reference to the fade forever reflecting the desires and beliefs and dreams of people in the waking world - which is to say that, for example, simply still believing that mythal or elgar'nan or ghilan'nain still exists is enough to bring the shards of their spirit back together again - just like solas' wisdom spirit friend in dai.

my private working theory is that if the evanuris are spirits made flesh, then somehow, the creation of the veil effectively... made them tranquil, in a way. separated their mortal bodies - trapped, as mindless archdemons, slumbering in the deep roads, in the mortal coil - from their spirit selves, locked in the black city behind the veil. this would explain why he needs to move them in the first place, to a more secure prison - corypheus fucking up the veil in 9:41 reconnected the physical bodies of the evanuris to the spiritual selves trapped in the fade. idk i just feel a bit like. not to say caught out, but i feel like a lot of the lore drops are just like "whats popular fanon theory about this. lets just confirm that" and i wish there was just... something more. some attempt at surprising me or aweing me with the lore drops. like it is what you think but there is something else here you didn't think of, or it's more complicated than that - to leave some kind of mystery behind, still. but idk.

[thementalshawty]

PAC WHAT TYPE OF LOVE IS ENTERING YOUR LIFE?

Hey my baby babes! Here is the reading I promised you guys!!! This reading been on my mind since I did the last one honestly and I’m guessing some of you are curious but instead of asking spirit of love is coming into your life I’m going to ask what kind of love because love comes in our life everyday in big and small ways so I decided to ask in what way love is entering your lives soon.

🧟🧟‍♂️🧟🧟‍♂️🧟🧟‍♂️🧟🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️

Pile 1

Now I know a lot of you are thinking the worse when you see this card but I’m not getting anything negative or low energetic about this love coming in. Actually quite the opposite, I heard liberating. There’s something here that you and this person share in common that’s coming in, honestly the kind of love I’m hearing is through a trauma bond maybe? I’m seeing two people praising one god or goddess. I’m seeing that it may be a friendship here. It can be a same sex love too if that’s what you’re into, I see carnal pleasure being fulfilled here, friends with benefits for sure!!! I’m not getting romantic vibes honestly from this, I’m seeing this love is a love that helps you break the chain that you are currently in, you can be in a cycle that you’re completely unaware of. This person can be a Capricorn, be Capricornic, they are not a satanist or satanic and even if they’re into that they’re not into bringing you into it I’m hearing sacred so what they believe in is very sacred they very RARELY SHARE THAT! This is why again I don’t feel it’s a romantic love it can even be a new belief that’s coming and not a person if you get my drift or some kind of inspiration, love comes in very many a way so we need to look for something deeper sometimes and this isn’t a romantic love, I’m seeing it can be sexual or passionate though here, exploring each others carnal fantasies! so fuccin funny the bottom of the decc is the 8oS! so even more confirmation! You’re gaining freedom from whatever chain you’ve got going on in your head! Youre binded to a thought about yourself some kind of belief and I see it coming undone and since there’s two people I do believe someone else is involved but again idk if it’s romantic im still not seeing it go anywhere more than some wild nights together frfr but i see you’ll be so beyond happy you met this person it’s like a pent up farmer girl who becomes friends with the free spirited city girl roommate showing her how to let loose vibes. That’s very much the energy im getting from this pile, you may be meeting your bestie here guys!!!

Thanks for Reading.

🍎🍏🍎🍎🍏🍎🍏🍎🍏🍎🍏

Pile 2

So the kind of love I see coming into your life isn’t romantically at all, welp, you or this person may see it that way, I’m seeing some kind of delusionary connection that’s coming into your life, it’s almost like it’s too good to be true, this person and it’s not that they’re not good it’s just like, they aren’t really into love or I’m seeing they’re not into you like that but you want them too be or you feel they might be or it can be that they feel this way about you and you don’t about them. There’s some kind of imbalance here between you and this person it can also be a disconnect from your heart and this love that’s coming in will help you reconnect with the badass mf that is you. I’m seeing that one of you could be hurt by love and emotions, hiding your cup and forcing it away, but this love will help you want to offer your cup but I don’t see it happening early on, I see this is a slow to romance connection if there’s any chance or possibility! If not then it’s a crush frfr that’s going to go south and you’ll realize this person HAS NOOOOOOOO feelings for you at all and that shit may destroy you, I’m sorry but it’s reality I feel like this connection is so delusionary that you can get lost in the wishful thinking, maybe they drop hints of affection or your misreading them. At the bottom of the deck you have the 2oP! so I’m seeing that there may be TWO types of love coming in, or a decision has to be made, maybe you wanted to date two people at the same time and it’s just not happening right for you, also I’m hearing your crush could be denying you but then someone else likes you, that you’re not even noticing it’s giving 5oC energy you’re only looking at what spilled and not even paying attention to what’s new and being offered. You will need to decide who you’re going to give your cup too because one of the choices are definite more romantic, balanced and will work out for you more than the other one. The choice is yours. Also I’m seeing some money coming in so you can chill, I feel like you are someone who never stops to take a break or breathe or nothing and this connection or this love that’s coming in whether it be a person promotion or both is some kind of disappointment, it’s going to help bring balance and control back into your life and it feels like you’ve been falling of your rotational strength as of late don’t worry baby you’ll get it bacc I promise. Don’t lose hope I’m hearing. I’m hearing that if it is a person that’s not for you don’t think less of you someone else is coming or is already there and you’re jus not giving them the time of day or you don’t think they want you either! I want more information about this one I will upload a deeper meaning to the reading on my Patreon.

Thanks for reading.

⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥⛓️‍💥

Pile 3

Now this kind of love is straight up TOXIC! I see that this is not romantic it all it just involves a woman or someone who identifies themselves with more feminine energies. This person is an energy vampire but I see you taking bacc what was stolen. I see that this can be a friend or family member but I’m seeing that this person is a emotional manipulator that love to play cat and mouse game to end up on top this person can be a water sign frfr cancer vibes mostly, this person is very low vibes and and energy they don’t want to do anything but cause chaos and destruction! You don’t need that in your life, like all the readings I’m seeing that this love coming in is bringing in major clarity it can be someone or something that helps you see the toxic person for what they are and take back your energy it’s giving that song by botdf bewitched. (I don’t stand with Dahvie but Jay Vanity (DAHLI) is my heart). I see that this person is used to being put on a pedestal by someone whether it be you or the ones around them, either way they’re very spoiled and they’re no good for you! I’m seeing that you’re going to finally see the truth for what it is. This person brings drama and dark clouds you’re going to want nothing to do with this person and you’re going to reclaim all of your power! its almost like whatever draining you will be poured back into you. You’re rubber, they’re glue what they do bounces off you and sticks back to them! You will also feel so liberated hmm this may be connected to pile 1 so if you felt pulled there then this may be the answer cos I think this is the part 2 or the more information it’s giving freedom too, but this is from an actual person it can be a negative ex you may be going too or friend someone that you let slide always on their shit I’m seeing that it’s going to end and that you’ll realize this person again it can even be you just being in low vibrational space and you’re finally becoming self conscious and doing something about it whether then just waiting for someone to come help. Self care is needed!! So self love is coming into your life fashoooooo SELF SELF SELF! Go and treat yourself to some grade A fun you deserve it.

Thank you for reading.

👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

And just like that folks we are done I hope that this reading brought clarity and you guys enjoy it!

[olderthannetfic]

I keep getting ads for "woobles" crochet for beginners. Little animal plushie things. As someone who knows about knitting, how legit/useful do those look to you. I'm both tempted, annoyed by the repetitive ads, and wary of bad overhyped products that won't actually work for a complete novice.

--

Funny you should ask! I have the dinosaur one sitting next to me right now. I haven't cracked it open yet, but I'm hoping it will kickstart my relearning of crochet.

The reason I bought it was that I was at my local yarn shop, and I overheard one of the employees telling someone that she was skeptical since she's already a good crocheter and they're kind of pricey, but then she tried one of the kits and was impressed by the instructions. She recommended them both for novices and more experienced people.

Now, was she right? IDK. But it's the kind of indie yarn shop where the employees are fiber arts nerds and don't need to shill for whatever crap sponsored a youtube video.

[Side note: Has anybody tried those subscription boxes that just sponsored last week's episode of EVERY SINGLE FIBER ARTS YOUTUBE CHANNEL? Are they as bad as all other subscription boxes?]

I do keep seeing Woobles everywhere, which always sets off my overhype alarm bells, but the fact that the price point is obnoxious is actually a plus here, to me: it means the thing they're doing is charging too much for something basic rather than passing off hot garbage as something basic. At least, that's my read on it.

I guess I should open this thing up and have a look.

Well, it's definitely supposed to be for total beginners.

The contents are what you'd expect: some yarn in the colors you see on the front, stuffing, a hook, and a packet of the little stuff and the instructions. They've included 3 safety eyes. The darning needle is good quality. That adorable sticker sealing the little packet is a cute bonus.

The yarn is okay. I'm sure it's appropriate for this kind of project. It feels all right on my hands but not great.

The instructions are a little card with Fred on one side and a URL and password on the other.

I was wondering what they meant by "already started". Turns out, this little thing was tucked up inside the green skein.

According to the yarn store person, the good bit is the video tutorials. I'll have to see what I think.

[biancadoes1]

I know you'll see this comment because it's on your blog but what the hell. Luke has his flaws but so does everyone. These people need to fucking stop talking like they know him.

„I think people forget he’s not neurotypical, and that plays a huge factor in how he is in his personal life. It explains his loyalty to Rory. The guy has probably stuck up for him countless times and been his confidant through every hard situation he’s experienced.S and J saw something in him, but it didn’t work. We can suspect why, but no actual proof. I will say, though, his chameleon like persona is explained by his disability, and the fact he is probably on the spectrum. as well.”

I understand that we all draw our conclusion about this situation and search for answers. But this ain't it.

Idk who wrote this comment because I haven't gone back to look but this is such a trash opinion.

I need people to stop speaking on Luke Newton like they know his whole fucking life story.

To say he has a chameleon like persona is saying what we have seen from him is not his authentic personality PERIOD. This is just not true and I quite frankly find it disgusting that people are using neurodivergence to try and explain away their hard feelings towards Luke.

We don't know how Luke is in his personal life, either. We can make guesses and speculate all day but to say not being neurotypical plays a huge factor in his life???

And saying he's on the SPECTRUM???

I'll find this comment and delete it because this is the kind of shit that pisses me off to no end. He's a fully grown man. He can handle himself. He knows what he's doing with his own life and career.

All that to say this yet again -

NONE OF US KNOW LUKE NEWTON. STOP ACTING LIKE YOU DO.

[guiltycorp]

Damn i really want to know tf happened in the writing room of arcane s2. Some of the downgrades were inevitable due to the show's corporate limitations (not being able to progress the class war story in a meaningful way, having to tie things back to league of legends in terms of making playable characters more appealing to well, play... rip Mel and Viktor in particular), sure. But i still feel like it's even worse than that? There are so many bad decisions that i couldn't even start listing them all... the characters, plot, pacing, themes, it's just such a mess? Even the dialogue writing, it feels much more mm Marvel at its worst i suppose. What i am most bothered by is probably just the straight up harmful messaging so um... Cycles of violence and abuse can be broken by individual decisions to become a better person! Got nothing to do with systemic oppression, living conditions, mental health issues, you can just conveniently ignore aaall the social context, live laugh love and then things get better automatically yep, oppressors famously stop oppressing you when you show them that you're harmless and won't put up a fight anymore. Literally three out of three suicidal characters dying to redeem themselves? Not even in a tragic/cathartic way but in a bittersweet 'they finally atoned for their mistakes' way? Groundbreaking lmao. Romantic relationship between Vi and Caitlyn including no communication about their biggest fight, just conveniently skipping to sex and getting back together - would have loved that if it was framed as the unhealthy fucked up thing that it is, skipping over Vi's hurt and her background to once again become a cop, her girlfriend's direct underling at that (!) due to her not having any other support systems... But nope that was our cute lesbian romance wrapped up, a good thing all around, not concerning at all. Jayce telling Viktor that what he 'always admired about him' was his disability and his deadly disease (??? from a character who spent the whole s1 and first act of s2 desperately trying to help Viktor find a cure? sure) and that those imperfections don't need fixing, just wtf truly. Magic bullshit was also weird, some implications of 'natural magic is ok, but achieving that power through other means corrupts you into a crazy robot bitch or just wilts your trees i guess', but tbh it was written in such a weird and inconsistent way that we can skip this one... Yeah actually a lot of things were just such a mess that I feel silly pointing to specific moments or lines I didn't like, I mean duh, it barely makes sense as a story at all... I am happy we have s1 which comparatively was a masterpiece, and i also really enjoyed s2 act1, i truly believed it would lead somewhere good at the time, my mind still kind of cuts off the story at that point when i think about it, that WAS the open ending of the show to me (is it possible that there were rewrites? targeting act 2 and 3? idk, wishful thinking perhaps). Despite my extremely negative feelings about this season's conclusion i remain glad that so many people appreciate the show regardless, it is clear that there was STILL a lot of love in the process of its creation (although i'd argue that even some of the visual aspects of the show suffered in quality, once again i have to wonder about behind the scenes mood of it all) and i get very upset when i see creatives online despairing over reception of their projects even when i'm absolutely in the disgruntled crowd hahaha... ...however yeah, this wasn't great In a world that increasingly grows more and more right-wing politically... we really needed something different i think.

[hanjisungslag]

hiiii!! so sorryyy idk if you take requests BUTT could you do headcannons of being in an argument with the aot characters?

🗣️ aot characters & arguments

characters involved: eren, armin, mikasa, connie, jean, sasha, reiner, annie, bertolt, erwin, levi & hange

notes: i do take requests indeed!! :3 i luv angst, i hope this is gd♡

✧ eren jaeger - 

okay, when you guys argue it’s honestly more cute than anything because you’re both so protective of one another. neither of you wanted each other to join the scouts because it was so dangerous but, you both joined anyways obviously. oh my god, you guys non-stop bicker when there’s a mission! and don’t even get me started if you get put into different teams😭 you start TWEAKINGG. after he finds out he’s the attack titan, oh it gets 10x worse. his absolute biggest fear is losing control and hurting you - he’s already so conflicted, confused & felt like an outcast. he definitely lashes out more and becomes snappier than usual but, it does come from a place of sincerity.

when this happens, you just leave it be. as soon as it’s not just bickering anymore, when a voice is raised or an insult is made, you just leave it. you understand he’s going through a lot and just needs a minute but, TRUST ME! when you walk off, you make sure it is known that your feelings are hurt.

“i said no! you are not being on my team! im going with the levi squad, thats final.”

✧ armin arlert -

you both love each other very much but, goddamn you’re both so up your own arses! you are the ‘smart couple’ you are both strategic and witty and have your own way you go about things. so, when it comes to deciding whose plan is better, you always think yours is better and admin thinks his is better. this has (and probably always will be) the main root of your arguments, tbh. nobody likes to get involved either because if someone picks a side then even more havoc will break lose. the only people who’ve ever come between you two is: mikasa, levi & erwin.

it’s just like a debate, you know the ones on jubilee where it’s just people speaking over each other with different facts and sources? literally you two. you both would keep going until the end of time if you didn’t need to sleep, eat and drink water. it’s never that serious at the end of the day, you both love each other and i GUESS you can appreciate each others plans albeit you both think yours is better.

“if you actually listen to me when i say, my layout is better! look at how easy it is to manoeuvre from the castle to the forest!”

✧ mikasa ackerman -

wash the damn scarf. that is all you ask of her. she has literally never washed it and you love but jesus christ, stink LINGERS. not only do you think it’s weird she doesn’t wash it but, it’s also from eren… now, you know mikasa’s lore, of course. however, it’s really hard to get over your girlfriend having this deep love for this smelly scarf that her ex-crush gave to her after he literally saved her from being kidnapped. at first, you try to ignore it but it gets to a point where you sit down and talk to her but, she is not having it. she clearly cares very, very deeply for this scarf and will defend it. it’s really awkward conversation that slowly turns into raised voices and some opinionated things being raised.

“why are you getting jealous over a scarf? that’s so stupid! i just have fond memories with it!”

✧ connie springer -

again, not so much major arguments but just bickers. it usually starts as a joke but slowly but surely divulges into an argument about something stupid. one time, someone ate the last of jean’s meal that his mum made for him and he saved until today, obviously he was super upset and jokingly you blamed connie. at first, all was well, laughs were being heard and he even poked fun at you but, somewhere along the way it became more serious for you two, you genuinely suspected connie of eating jean’s meal and connie was getting visibly more upset.

“that was so not me! why are you telling them that?! i didn’t eat it, y/n!”

jean regretted asking who ate his food.

✧ jean kirstein -

jean is unfortunately a jealous guy. not for any malicious reasons, he’s just a bit insecure gang! he’s more scared that you’ll leave him for someone ‘better’ more than anything but, these feelings of insecurity manifest as jealously. he’d get jealous over you spending time with people like eren, mikasa or armin. in so many aspects, they’re better than him (in his eyes) and this will just make him reallyyy pissy. being in an argument with jean is painstakingly ambiguous like he never straight up says it, it’s always sly remarks or dry responses from him for a while. eventually, you know something is up and question him but he will avoid answering like the plague and it’s just so, so frustrating! eventually, when you break your calm demeanour, he will also break his ‘nonchalant-ness’ and just shout about how he feels.

he crossed his arms, “i just don’t understand why you need to be around him so much, you have me?”

✧ sasha braus -

absolutely nothing. i’m sorry but, she is too sweet and loving. IM SORRY, i’m sorry… i tried so hard to think of something but this queen is too perfect. at most, she would snap at you in high stress situations but she would never turn it into an argument. for example, if you told her to slow down her eating because you’re going on a mission but, she hasn’t eaten much that day she may snap and tell you to “let her do what she wants” but, she’s sooo quick to recover and apologise. literally not even giving you a second to even think about arguing with her!!

“ah, i’m sorry. you’re right, i don’t wanna be sick while flying through the air, huh?” she pouts.

✧ reiner braun -

you’re both from marley, you know damn well what you’re doing here but it seems reiner is straying off path. you’re there to try and remind him why you’re there and this leads to so many arguments. his split personality also plays a role in the arguments because it’s so.. scary and confusing for you because one moment he’s defending eldians than the next, he’s shouting at you about how he ‘knows the plan’.

when talking about stuff like this, since it’s extra sensitive for reiner he definitely flips out. i’m talking shouting, angry grunting, clenching his fists into balls and holding them against his forehead so he doesn’t fully crash tf out. he’s just as confused and scared as you are about his split personality but, he doesn’t want to seem weak or to seem like he’s losing sight of what is ‘right’ - it gets him really worked up. obviously, you stand your ground against him, he doesn’t scare you when you’re arguing. you’ve known him for so long.. you feel like he just needs to be guided.

“when did i ever say i liked them? yes, they’re okay people to be around for now but— no, i never said that! i know what they are, you don’t remind to tell me, y/n!”

✧ annie leonhart -

just the fact she’s cold and distant, it makes it really hard to actually have a relationship with her. at first, she was closed off COMPLETELY but cracks began to show and eventually, you thought you were at a good point with each other but, you kind of realised you didn’t know that much about annie. you try to ask questions to get her to open up but, she is one tough egg to crack so eventually, you just ask! hoping to help her more than anything but, this leads to an argument…

after this first argument, it became pretty regular like once every few weeks this would happen. you get super frustrated because she acts like she doesn’t even care! so, you’re shouting and getting really passionate while she sits there, looking pissed off and bored, rolling her eyes and scoffing. she doesn’t see the need to open up to you, she’s done what she thinks is ‘enough’ in her books.

“what do you want me to say? i’m not an open book, that’s just how i am. we’re all gonna end up dead, anyways.”

✧ bertolt hoover -

sigh… oh bert. every time you feel yourself developing further into your relationship with bert, his friends seem to pull him back. you’re still not quite sure why and they always seem to be giving side eyes or glances when he talks about his life - its starting to piss you off, rightfully so. you feel like he’s got two other side hoes watching yours and his every move! you being this up in subtle ways as to not seem like a crazy, jealous partner but eventually you burst and tell him how you really feel.

arguing with sweet bert isn’t fun because you can tell he tries so hard to please everyone in the situation, whether it’s you, him or now in this case, his friends too. he will raise his voice but, not in a bad way just in a general sense, things are getting heated, his voice will raise and he will fling his arms and hands. he’s a very expressive man when arguing because he is so passionate about it.

“y/n, they’re my friends! they’re just trying to protect me, why are you jealous?”

✧ erwin smith -

there’s so such things as arguments in your relationship, erwin likes to call them ‘mutual disagreements’ as your both in the scouts, he knows your time is limited. it’s a morbid and pessimistic way to think but, you have to be realistic when you live such a deadly lifestyle. he doesn’t want to take your time together for granted - plus, he’s a MAN like, he is calm and collected and will always hear you out.

you both start off calm, having a mature conversation about whatever it is that is bothering you but, when you start getting rowdier that’s when erwin quells the flames quickly. he takes a deep breath, hears you out and calmly walks you through it all. he’s so compassionate about it, i cant omg. he’ll gently place a hand over your own hand or on your shoulder if you’re standing, letting you know he’s present, he’ll sweetly talk you down, eventually calming you down and usually you’ll both say apologises or just general sweet statements and move on!

“i’m sorry, y/n. no, i’m glad you talked to me about this.”

✧ levi ackerman -

oh lord, being in an argument with levi ackerman is nawwtt fun. i’m sorry but, i’d kms if i argued with levi 😭. this man has such an awful resting bitch face as it is but, imagine his face when he’s arguing with you? IF LOOKS COULD KILL. he cant hide his emotions, so when you’re arguing even if he’s trying to be somewhat nice, his face says it all. usually he’ll roll his eyes and scoff if it’s something minor, he’ll hear you out, maybe give a half arsed apology or some sort of nice gesture to make sure you’re not upset however, if it’s a big issue oh brother…

silent treatment, i fear. he is so bad at communicating his feels correctly and often feels confused because this mf ain’t been in love before?! it gets too a point where he’s so mad, he just cant even begin to think of anything to say to you. you’ll be there raising your voice, becoming so passionate and when you ask what he thinks, he’ll say “i have nothing to say.” then boom, silent treatment. however, he’s bad with his words… but good with his actions. he still wants you to know he cares, you two could be in the most rancid moods but, you’ll go to your room and find your clothes ironed and folded🥲.

✧ hange zoë -

oh my sweet hange, my probably neurological challenged sweet hange… an argument with them would definitely stem from them spending more time with titans than you. when sawney and bean were around, you weren’t getting ANY time of day with them, trust. at first, you didn’t want to say anything because of course, you understand! the lifetime you guys are living in, things like hange’s research is soo important but, you can’t help but feel neglected sometimes.

when you finally bring it up, an argument ensues. neither of you really shout or anything, it’s just that kind of weird sort of raised, high pitched voice people get when you’re really frustrated. you both stay relatively calm for the situation you’re in but, you can totally tell you’re both so frustrated because hange just doesn’t see the problem. when you guys argue like this, it usually just goes in circles and after a while you both decide to mutually give up and leave it for another day.

“it’s all for science and the greater good of humanity though, i don’t understand?”

[pickyourpoisonandevolve]

You’ll never guess what happened. The demon came back, angrier AND hornier. I always thought I was a Price/Simon girly but Soap snuck his way all the way in here. I blame the Soap thirst edits on TikTok. Too pretty. Anywho, this is one of the rare times I don’t get bogged down in preamble, which is to say, a poorly veiled excuse to admit I don’t make it to smut very often. I hope… it’s good? Idk it’s all embarrassing.

That’s it for this one probably. I’ll see y’all out there.

All for One, One for All, part 2

Part 1 here

TW: NSFW, MDNI, fem reader. I’m bad at tags, sorry.

“I said, are you broken?”

“No sir.” You said quietly. Curled in on yourself, legs covering your important bits, your fingers fuss with the seams of the couch. You feel like you’ve done nothing but cry for the last hour, so much for being a big tough soldier.

Eyes still on you, he blinks for the first time in forever it seems. “Good.” Price finally stands. He always seems big but he’s towering, a monolith as you lay in his shadow. He takes a deep breath and says “Before we begin, I need you to be honest with me.”

Beside you, you hear Ghost wrestle Soap down to the couch, balaclava askew as he grabs his legs and forces him on his back.

“Ah, eyes on me.” Price barks. Not breaking his eyes, he pulls his shirt off. Jesus fucking Christ. It’s the military, you all have seen plenty of each other in various dress. But this is too much. He’s a hairy man, chest full of soft dark down, with a thick trail leading into his low pant line. You wonder if it’s just as thick near his cock.

Fingers snap, bringing you back to the task at hand. A chuckle shakes his shoulders. “You usually listen so well. More than these two anyways. We’ll have to work on that.” A mumble comes out of Soap, you figure it’d be more of a complaint if Ghost wasn’t biting his bottom lip.

You yip in surprise as Price falls to his knees in front of you. Irises blown out, you figure your eyes can and will fall out of your head by days end. He reaches for one of your knees, so far just feeling you, rubbing his thumb. Finally letting his gaze fall, he says, ”Why’ve you been running from me, love? You’re so… skittish. You’re such a good soldier for me,” he trails, taking your ankle in his other hand, bringing it to the floor tenderly. “I’ve never wanted to pressure you, make you feel like you’re here for the wrong reasons. You’re as much a part of this squad as I am.” His hand runs from your ankle to your toes, his warm fingers carding through them. He looks to the side. “What’s this really about?”

Your heart freezes as he treats you so gingerly. You’ve been so obsessed with your own worries, you didn’t even stop to consider that he wanted you as much as you wanted him. “I, I uh.” You take a moment to collect your thoughts, steady your breathing. Even Ghost and Soaps wrestling slows, you feel their eyes in your direction as the room falls to near silence. “I didn’t want to fuck anything up.” You say slowly, almost sadly. “I didn’t want to disappoint you. I’m a … mess. I—“ you hiccup, shaking your head, trying to push through the weight in your chest. “didn’t want you to find out that I’m not worth it.” You finish quietly.

Hands squeeze you tightly, for a moment. Price gives you a hard look. For the first time in a long time, he isn’t sure what to say. A beat goes by, then two. He finally moves, bringing both your legs down and sitting you upright in front of him, hands in yours.

Price was always good at conveying a lot wordlessly. In the field, when a new recruit fucks up during training. The look he’s giving you now is breaking your heart. Like you bring him the sun in the morning. Like all he’s ever wanted was a moment with you. He’s been doing this a long time, not a lot in his life requires the softness that he gave you freely. You gave him hope. A hope that he could be something after all this. That he could be someone who doesn’t have to carry the world all the time. He’d carry you though. As long as you’d let him.

“You let me decide that. You understand?”

The tears threatening to burst forth subside for the first time today. Something so resolute in his voice makes you feel like you finally have something concrete, something real to latch onto. Maybe a purpose is what you both needed, something you could find in each other.

“Yes sir.” You reply.

He brings one of your hands to his lips, mustache tickling as he kisses it. “That’s my girl. Now come here.”

A surprise laugh rips through you as he snatches you into his arms. You can’t help but try to slap him away and he peppers kisses onto your face. Over your eyes, your nose. He rests his forehead against your cheekbone, smiling against it. “I’ve been showing a lot of restraint, love. You let me know if it gets too much.” You’ve never heard something so sweet sound more like a threat.

A moan brings your attention to the other side of the couch, the only word you could use to describe the scene was progress. Shirts gone, pants unbuckled, hands grabbing. Ghost in all his big, fuck-off glory trailing rough kisses down Soaps chest. Soap, already blissed out, had an eye on you though. Breathlessly, he tossed a look over at Price, “Take care of our girl, Cap.” He said. You were the first to admit that your judgement was compromised to say the least, but you could have sworn you heard an edge in Soaps voice. Eyes fluttering the closer Ghost got to his cock, he still looked at you with a certain intensity. Like he’d be there if any part of Price faltered. Your heart did a flip in your chest before Soaps eyes rolled back completely. We all had our respective objectives today, it seemed.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, sergeant.” You wish everything would stop happening at the same time. Your shirt, or the crumpled remains of it bunched around your shoulders gets ripped off, hair falling messily into your eyes. You hear a jangle as pants hit the floor and hands are all over you, laying you up and out. Soap and you are positioned head to head on the L-shape of the couch, your respective commanders tending to your… needs. Hair cascading around your head, you lay your hands above you, Soaps fingers tangling gently in yours.

“Suppose we have dear Johnny to thank in the first place, getting our girl out of her shell. Told Simon here he deserved something special, you know.” Price said offhandedly to you, bringing his hips over to your face. “Needed someone to warm you up for me, teamwork and whatnot.” He says as he throws you a wink. Your attention is pulled to what’s in front of you and your laugh dies in your throat. You knew he was big. You’ve caught glimpses in showers, in changing rooms. But you tried, really, you promise, not to outright ogle your captain. In this moment you start to think maybe you should have, it would have prepared you a little better emotionally.

Price’s breathing starts to get a little hitched in his chest. Something about your pretty face, underneath him looking at him like that makes his heart clench. Or maybe his balls, it’s hard to tell. Either way it makes his abs flex and his cock bob up and down. “Sweetheart, I need you,” he tells you, pumping the base. “I’m going to take care of you I promise baby. You gonna take care of your Captain?”

There’s a breathless quality to his voice. And something like liquid fire slips into your stomach. Something slippery and white hot. Seeing the man you’ve leaned on both physically and emotionally, the man you looked up to, got you out of battlefields alive, weak? For you? You look up at Price, big doe eyes taking him all in as you lean his cock gently into your mouth with two fingers. Running your tongue gingerly across the underside, you tease it a little before taking just the head in your mouth and giving it suck. Almost a kiss. You feel his torso shudder as he leans a hand to the back of the couch to support himself, curling over you for a better view.

If you weren’t so focused, you’d laugh at the chorus of moans from the men in the room. Prices eyes slipped closed, Ghosts eyes are locked on you as he has Soap in his own mouth, bobbing up and down in a steady pace. Soap however has you locked in, looking at you almost upside down, fingers clenching in yours as his brows furrow. Mouth agape, he chokes out a moan as he cums down Ghosts throat.

You take Price down further, slowly. As much as you want to tease him, you’ve been waiting just as long as he has. His length and girth are, truly too much, but you make it down, feeling the soft dark curls tickle your nose and cheeks. You wonder if your throat bulges, you’ll have to ask him later. He maintains the pace initially, hand snaking to the back of your head, but relinquishes control once you make it down his length. Your eyes peek open for a moment to see him fully engulfed into your mouth, eyes closed and muttering to you.

“Just as good as I thought you’d be, you’re so fucking good for me. You like me in your throat, baby? Like your Captain fucking your sweet little throat? Fuck.” Your hands sneak up, one running down his torso and feeling hair and corded muscle in your palm, the other one wrapped around one of his thighs. You feel him tense before he groans and pulls out of your mouth slowly. He meets you in the middle, leaning down to you as he pulls you up by your face to crush you in a kiss. The heady taste of his own cock filling his mouth as he deepens. Wanting to drown in you. His hands cradling your face, he drops one to find in between your thighs, rubbing passively around your clit, not quite enough pressure to be satisfying as you wiggle for more contact. He pulls away briefly to slap at your thighs before continuing, a check to obey. The other hand sneaks down and puts a easy pressure around the top of your throat. Not squeezing too hard, but enough to get your attention and keep you aware.

You’ve never seen his eyes so intense, he’d eat you whole if he could. He can’t help but tighten his fingers around your throat for a moment, you’re so fucking delicious. “As much as I want your sweet little mouth I need to feel you, baby. Ugh, I fucking—“ he hitches, bonking his forehead against yours, barely able to contain himself as he closes his eyes. “Tell me what you want love.” He says with a now steady voice. “Tell me how you want me and I’ll do it.”

“Let me make it up to you daddy.” You whisper, throat vibrating his large hand. His eyes shoot back open as the name shoots right to his dick. He desperately tries to remember if the medic talked about his heart at all at his last checkup, it won’t make it at this rate. He lets you go as you get up from the couch, mildly unsteady from all the angles you’ve been in today. His hands never leaving your body, he lets you position him, in a sitting position on the couch, hips forward so he’s at an angle, legs open. You can’t look at him too long like this. Fully splayed open, a lifetimes worth of muscles and scars and hard work displayed on a truly perfect canvas. He starts to pump his cock again, as he returns the look. Whatever you were, flaws and all, would always be exactly what he wanted. He understood why all those guys from the past made their wives into marble statues. He already wants to keep you forever.

You both get mildly distracted as Ghost and Soap quietly exclaim at the same time, now fully nude as Ghost positions him on his knees on the couch, hands warming his ass as he pumps himself from behind. If you see any more fit, perfect men today you are sure you’d die. “Christ, bird. Give John a show for us, he’s been waiting for ya’.” The look Ghost gives is downright sinful and he maintains eye contact as he slips into Johnnys hole. The moan that slips out of his mouth makes your pussy pulse.

Your attention comes back to Price as you crawl into his lap, rubbing your hands over his shoulders before settling around his jaw and hold his head up, hovering over his cock. “I’ve been yours since the first day I met you, John.” Your eyes rake over his features up close, running your thumbs over his lips and cheeks. “I. Feel like I’m right with you. Like I don’t feel so out of balance.” His hands snake around your waist, running his hand down your spine. You drop to his ear, wanting at least one thing just between you and him. “I’ve loved you for a long time, I’m sorry it took so long to say I—“ you get cut off by lips on yours. Not rough, but almost bruising kiss as he explores your body. Like he’s mapping it to memory. He breaks away after what seems like an eternity and whispers into yours “Show me.”

You give him your doe eyes, full of lust as you lean back, putting your hands on his knees and putting yourself on blessed display. You bring one hand between you two as you guide his cock to your entrance. His mouth drops open as he feels the tight wet heat crest the head. His head falls back to the couch as you start working yourself slowly around him, moaning as you go. “Fuck John, you’re so big,” you say breathlessly as you reach the bottom. You rock up and down, getting used to the absolutely full feeling inside and lean fully back onto his knees. You start to undulate your torso and hips ever so slightly, letting him see, showing off how he makes you feel. You close your eyes and moan, “I used to touch myself thinking how you’d feel. Your big fucking hands on me, in me. Fuck, Daddy.”

A growl rips out of him as the hands on your thighs tighten. You’re gonna be the death of him. He steals one of your hands from behind you and brings it to his mouth, licking your pointer and middle, getting them messy. He grabs your wrist and spits roughly on them one last time, and he brings your fingers to your clit.

“Show me, baby.” He commands, his combat voice leaking through. “Show daddy how you want him to touch you.” Your mouth drops open as you pick up the pace, rolling your body and hips up and down his length in earnest, and working your clit in little circles. Your tits shake to the rhythm as he takes you all in, arms spreading across the back of the couch. Your moans find a cadence, little “uh, uh, uh’s” a song in your Captains ears. His jaw tenses, positive he’d break a tooth if he clenched anymore. “I’m gonna make sure you can’t walk tomorrow. So fuckin’ perfect for me.” He squeezes out, eyes rolling to the back of his head. Your cadence starts to get sloppy in his lap, bouncing almost out of beat, rubbing your clit in quick circles. A whine sits high in your throat as you feel your orgasm build, your soft thighs bouncing on his sturdy lap. “Do you like it, daddy?” You squeak out. “Fuck, does, does it feel good?”

His hands move fast, taking your throat once again in his hands and forcing you to look at him. The other angling your hips on his cock as he finally thrusts back. Putting pressure on you, your eyes water as the light, fuzzy feeling starts to creep into your vision. “My perfect little pussy. Fuck daddy, sweetheart. Soak me, cum on daddy’s dick, come on!”

Static. Light. You feel your chest vibrate and your mouth move but can’t exactly hear as you cum. That wet feeling is back again as you feel it… everywhere. Dripping down your knees, splashing down to your ankles. Breath only comes to you shallowly. You tune in and out to a steady stream of names is being moaned into your ear as hearing returns. “Fucking such a good girl, my little whore, you did so good for me.” Hands pet your hair and warm your sides. You hear another set of strangled moans as Johnny gets louder beside you two. Ghost is fucking him fast and hard from behind, holding Johnny around his chest and keeping him up, both sets of eyes on you and John.

Your body moves on autopilot, delicate hands move off of John as you lift yourself and position yourself on your knees in front of Soap. Your fingers grip his cock, red and weepy with precum and he cries at the contact. So does Ghost, as his cock is being clenched in Soaps ass you figure. You bring your mouth down and take his head in your mouth and he can’t last. Refuses to. He cums, long and deep into your mouth, flexing his chest and almost ripping out of Simon’s arms. Simon finishes as well, hips shaking everyone as Soaps ass milks him for all he’s got. You bring yourself up, swallowing slowly and making sure Johnny sees you lick the remainder off your lips. He rips you forwards, kissing you and tasting himself. You wonder if you both will always taste like cum to each other from now on.

You feel hands rip you backwards and you fall into a big warm chest, bringing your legs up as he slots himself inside you, pussy on display to the others. You crane your neck to look at him, eyes wild, hazy, and he lands a messy kiss on the outside of your mouth, still tasting Johnny on your lips. One hand wraps around your waist as the other starts rubbing your clit in hard tight circles, just like you showed him. He hammers in to you, tits bouncing as you can’t do anything but yell. His thighs and your ass still tacky with your cum. You hold his arm tightly, trying to hold on for dear life as he speaks loudly in your ear, drowning out your moans. “Who’s are you, baby. Look them in the eye and say it.”

Your heart shatters for real this time. Overstimulated. Too many feelings all at once. Too much. Not enough. Everything you’ve always wanted as you moan loudly, “Yours! Ours!” Johnny and Simon look at you, holding each other gently. They both look back on it and say the same thing, it’s like looking into the sun. “That’s right, bird.” “Ours forever, love.”

John fucks into you like it’s the last thing he’ll ever do. His arm now a vice grip around you as you reach your crest again, splashing all over his thighs for a second time, in arcs and droplets all over the couch. “Ours. MINE.” He roars in your ear. He cums, hard inside you, pulses shaking you violently. His cock slips out as he pumps straight into the air, landing on your clit and pussy, making more of a mess as it drips out of your hole.

You weren’t really present for what happened after. Big, warm hands get you through a shower, keep you upright. Dry you off. A rogue hand occasionally playing with your clit before it gets slapped away by the others, chastised gently. “She’s had enough for one day, give her some time!” You find yourself coming back to, naked in a bed much larger than your own, swimming in a soft comforter. Bodies on both sides of you rub and pet you passively, just wanting some contact. You doze off, to kisses in your hairline and a bearded face tickling yours as it whispers in your ear, where no one else can hear.

“I love you too, sweet girl.”

[askthefamous8]

Even if I haven't been very active lately, 9 years is still pretty significant- happy birthday to the blog!

So like Percy up there I'm gonna do so dome reflecting. This blog's where I've often done that for some reason, but here's the tl'dr for blog related stuff.

• I would like to keep drawing stuff but feeling generally unsure in myself, and I'm wondering if all the years of fandom harrassment have caught up with me • I have one big project in mind, I've been dipping my toe into what I'd need to do it. No spoilers but it was one of the first things I played around with this series, so do with that what you will • If I can keep myself drawing, I want to use more of the original source material since I'm struggling with original ideas. So stuff like redraws, hOpEfULlY even animatics, just like what originally got me so into trains yknow? Because that's fun and sparks joy. And that always goes down a treat with you guys so bonus • As always I appreciate you guys not coming after me for being so inconsistent

The rest of this is me doing what Percy's doing in the drawing and reflecting, as there is indeed much 2 think about. It's also a little sad and venty so, there's your warning there.

.

Ok so obviously a busy year, we moved into our new house that we actually own, I spent most of the year planning our wedding, and then got married. Big stuff. Also! I came off antidepressants in the summer. I've been on them for...basically as long as this blog, 6 months after I started it I think. Which also means I'd been on antidepressants my entire adult life. Feels like a big deal and I guess I'm still adjusting.

Another big thing, but sad, is that my dog died about two weeks ago. If you follow me on twitter you'll have seen her but she did make an appearance here a few Halloweens ago

I got her when she was 13 and had her 8 years after that. So that's been difficult. Unrelated to that (probably), but I just feel...really mediocre. And before you point out the obvious, this has been present even before I came off antidepressants. But yeah just... mediocrity. In myself as a person, how I look, what I draw, my whole life really (barring my marriage thankfully). What have I achieved? I'm 26, I'm not working, I don't feel well, my art isn't good (I don't think so anyway- like yeah it's technically fine I guess but it's not, and has never been, very stand-out or impressive). And lately art doesn't bring me the same joy it once did, and I'm wondering if all the years of harrassment from this fandom (mostly the twitter side, tumblr's been pretty good to me) has finally caught up with me and put me off the whole thing. Or worse, that I just don't have as much of an interest in it anymore. I don't think I'll ever be like "ok yep I'm officially done with this blog" because I'm so stubborn but idk. I want to make things and be creative, I want to make more train art, but it doesn't feel the same. I don't know what's wrong. What do you listen to? What you want vs what you feel? I still enjoy train stuff, I love going to Awdry Ex every year. It's been like this for awhile. It's not even like I have a strong feeling of what I'd rather be doing as far as careers go. And even if I did, oh yeah I'm sure my two degrees in animation will be very relevant in another field (sarcasm). I feel adrift. My sails are open but there is just no wind. Planning my wedding gave me something to do and work on and just, feel useful but now that that's over I feel lost again. Losing my dog, who had become the center of my life because of how vulnerable she had become, hasn't helped.

On the more creative side of things, I also don't really know what to do with this blog's story either. The show's ended as far as most people are concerned, and I kiiinda wrote myself into a corner because once Thomas turns 18 he's going to leave for university, and that sets off this whole arc with James but basically the problem is it involves characters leaving and for some reason that feels like a no-no here. Don't get me started on the timeline lol. But Thomas works on a railway on Sodor, that's how it has to be...right? I guess I'm sort of at a crossroads of, ok do I want this to be close to the source material, and thus easily digestible to newcombers? Or do I want to make it more and more my thing and distanced from the source material? I doubt there's many new people coming since the series ended. And even then, there's a lot more humanization artists around now than when I started, so it's not like I'm filling a niche anymore. Just to be clear it's fine and also good that there's more humanization artists, variety is good, I just don't feel as "needed" anymore (which is 100% in my head and not an actual role that belongs to me or something). I started this blog when I was 17, so my interests and what I relate to have changed obviously. The character designs certainly have. It's never followed a super rigid story plan, but the core of it has always been the central cast doing things on Sodor. I however have always had a scene/project/animatic/whatEver in mind for when this 'series' would '''officially''' ''''end''''. But then what comes after that? I've always tried to run this blog like they are Real People that You interact with. But in real life there is no ending to the story, there's always more stuff to come. You get married, and it's wonderful, and then life goes on. The credits never roll. So maybe that's what I'm having trouble coping with...the progression of time. Ah, my old nemesis. I've always had trouble with letting go of things. There's nothing to say that I couldn't still draw stuff after the series "ends". I guess any story after Thomas leaves could be like... a sequel series or a spin off or something. Spin-off of a spin-off. Famous 8 All Grown Up. Famous 8 Qurter Life Crisis. Who knows. I certainly don't.

I've also been really into an original project unrelated to this but those don't get as much attention and while I'd like to do something with it one day, I don't feel very confident in being able to make that happen right now. But you know... as far my as art not being super spectacular goes... I think my individual talent has always been is my ideas, like the writing side of things. And then brought to life with my art, which normally isn't anything to write home about but is good enough to convey the idea and be not-awful to look at, lifts both of them beyond what they were individually. Maybe that's what I should focus on. Maybe that's wishful thinking.

So....idk. Idk what I'm doing but I'm trying to be gentle on myself and just let myself continue to drift, to heal from this heavy loss, and then in the New Year I'll try and pick myself up. Then there will be no more big once-in-a-lifetime events coming up, no more just-moved-into-a-house-and-oh-no-there's-a-bunch-of-things-that-need-attention-NOW scenarios, and no more big holidays for awhile. I guess we'll see.

If you read all of this I am so sorry but also thank you for reading my ramblings. And thank you for being around, whether that's been for a few months or for several years, but especially if it's been several years

[oddp1ant]

Talking here instead of in the tags on this post because. My head is steaming.

This version of Viktor is 1) human and 2) older. In my dream reality, this implies that the de-arcanified version of Viktor we see at the end of ep 9 survives, regains physical form but is forever changed by the arcane = a mage, who eventually travels through time/realities to give Jayce the guidance he needs as a child and in the post-apocalypse wasteland, effectively securing the timeline in which he (and the rest of the world or w/e) survives, making it a closed loop. I like to think Jayce is with him for most of it, both of them figuring out their new magical interdimensional existence together.

Ofc, the take I've been seeing most of so far is that Jayce and Viktor were both destroyed in that final moment. I mean yeah, being at the center of hexcrystal/gem/shard activity like that tends to do that to people, as we've been repeatedly shown, but they were also in the weird metaphysical arcane-space when it happened so I'm honestly not sure the same principles apply. If that is the end for them, I guess mage-Viktor was just a product of some other reality where that was the trajectory for him, who due to his magic was able to see all the infinite Bad timelines and took it upon himself to interfere with this one to prevent them, likely nullifying his own and himself in the process. This is cool too, but makes mage-Viktor feel a bit like a random Deus ex machina since we have very little sense of where he came from or how he became what he is.

I may be delusional, but I feel like there's hope in Jayce's face when he sees mage-Viktor. Seeing him human again, seeing him older (something I am personally in tears over - Viktor getting to grow old ;;;;) seems to give him hope that there's a way back, AND a way forward for them!!! Idk. I'm crazy.

[Screencap credit to @lesbian-sansa]

Edit to add: I guess my mind skipped over the option that mage-Viktor is the post-apocalyptic reality's Viktor, who presumably went full glorious evolution, saw that it sucked, and somehow turned himself back to a human form. I guess that lessens the Deus ex machina issue and is also very cool bc we love a villain who spends a thousand years bored and lonely in the desolate wasteland of their own creation until deciding the only way to fix this involves timefuckery and empowering the heroes to take you down before it can happen. There's something so "go sit in the corner until you've calmed down" about it. Also implies that Viktor had the ability to come back to himself even without Jayce, but not before it's too late. Always preventing each other from stepping off the ledge at the last moment, these guys.

Idk which theory I prefer, I think I'll have thoughts about this show until I die

[clocky-soul]

Okay so first of all, Arcane Season 2 Act 3 Spoilers!

As much as I loved the second season I feel like it did have quite a few problems?

I pray you can make sense of this insanity, me not being a native English speaker may shine through my bad.

Here’s some things I didn’t like (it’s mainly the last episode):

- no deep talk between Ekko and Jinx?

Okay so maybe they thought that the first episode (which I really liked, might be timebomb bias but also just glad for Ekko to have his episode and we got to see what was going on with Jayce) would be "compensation" for the lack of their interactions in this episode? It didn’t, it felt like there was a scene missing, which is a feeling I get throughout the entire second season. There was a LOT of shit unsaid at least to us, now Arcane doesn’t always need dialogue but leaving the whole thing out just seems like they were rushing.

-no scene with the firelights and Ekko

While I feel like this could have easily been a montage but still, no cool lil thingy of jinx and her team coloring shit, what do all the markings mean? (Some we can guess obviously but still they are just there)

-no Sevika and Jixn scene?

Like really? Oh look they hung out the second act, they won’t notice them not interacting now? No mention of Isha at all throughout? I suppose mentioning her specifically isn’t needed but like nothing? Really?

-No Vi and Ekko scene?

They interacted like once in the entire fight and post fight forgot the other existed ig, I mean obviously she told him that Jinx "died" (I’m certain she’s alive btw, will get into that) but we didn’t even get to see that?

-characters got no conclusion (some)

Okay so maybe it’s intentional, but I feel like the only characters who got a "conclusion" are Vi and Cait (when’s the marriage btw), they have obviously stated that there will be more series similar and also in Runeterra but like, it feels like Ekko, Jinx (who’s definitely alive and am not just coping), Jayce and Vik and also Heimerdinger (what happened to the Lorax? What of the tree) are waiting for another season or something.

Now maybe they’ll use them as tools to connect to different stories (which like feels like it could work well for Jayce and Vik (if those 2 are even alive god knows what happened to em)) but I feel like it won’t work for Jinx? I mean I could see it working but like bestie just jumped on an Airship and poof ig (if that is what happened pretty sure) she just hasn’t been on her own like ever and I feel like if she was she’d just crash? Idk how to describe it, like she didn’t "heal" after Isha so idk where she’s off to, I understand the whole "breaking the cycle" thingy but, it feels just very sudden and not planned out? Like, we don’t have time to make people talk so they just have to disappear (nevermind Ekko being miserable atm, idk how close they would have gotten again in the unseen talk they had)

I just feel like there are scenes missing between Jinx and like half the cast (especially Vi, Ekko and Sevika), allegedly one of the main characters and barely talked in the final act (excluding the alternate universe thing). I don’t know maybe I’m weird but it feels like nothing happened, like I’d see Season 3 pop up suddenly.

I overall feel like Zaun and Piltover still have a lot to offer story wise (some characters from the game (that are in Zaun) don’t even appear in Arcane), now maybe they don’t wanna go over every champion (don’t feel like they need to but you never know, there were like 30 in here).

-Warwick is dead ig?

I mean fair but like really? I feel like that whole sequence at the end was not necessary? I don’t know I’m still figuring out how to feel about that specifically.

As much as I had fun and loved a lot of this season, you can tell it was supposed to have more seasons, while some things concluded well some just didn’t and new problems showed up.

-Now, I love, love, love Isha, and she fits in super well, but at what cost.

I understand very well why Isha was here and I loved her for it, however I feel like her role could’ve easily been given to a different character (mainly Ekko, and this is not me wanting Timebomb) introducing new characters in an already shortened story is kinda eh, especially if screen time for other characters suffers (Ekko, Jayce, Heimerdinger) and the small scene between Ekko and jinx kinda proved that to me? Instead of having her suffer over Ishas death it could’ve been Silcos, act 3 could’ve been Act 2 (minus the final battle obviously), I don’t exactly have a script ready but maybe some of you understand what I mean? Or get my way of thinking at least. And the everyone close to me dies thing could be like cancelled out by Ekkos Z drive (in my head anyway, just makes sense to me).

-if they intentionally left some characters "open" (read as: don’t feel fully developed or took steps back from their development)

I hope, HOPE, they make them interact with each other gain in a different series, because i feel like they aren’t done with each other, it just doesn’t feel like it. Like Vi and jinx and obviously Jinx and Ekko, not to mention fucking Vi and Ekko. (Still salty they didn’t talk afterwards but gg ig)

Characters develop thanks to the characters around them and I feel like making Jinx just suddenly bond with other characters outside of the characters we have met seems Meh? Like bro there a construction site back home go there. Maybe she goes on a journey of self discovery (which I’d be fine with as long as she goes back to Zaun in the end, idk bout everyone else but to me Jinx is the embodiment of Zaun and leaving it would destroy her character (like as in that’s bad). I feel like I should expand on this but I’m so tired rn.

I just feel like it should have ended differently? Like I feel like Vi would definitely stay up Topside with Cait, and Jinx and Cait could’ve easily just had a truce? Like I’m not expecting Jinx to become Silco and lead Zaun (Ekko or Sevika are clearly much more qualified, jinx is more of a mascot.) but I feel like she could easily become an ally to The Firelights, and as Viktor stated, she could use her capabilities to build. A healing jinx easily could, she did repair and modify Sevikas arm so that’s something she could do (she clearly had fun and as she said "its something I could fix"). I feel like you could still expand here either way.

-Also Mel didn’t even get to speak one last time rip. Ambessa is also dead ig.

If they carry on with Noxus I feel like this works fine, Mel is after all now the new Queen or whatever Noxus has. Warlord? Idk with this I’m actually fine? Like I find this acceptable just wish she’d had more time (they could’ve made the last episode 2 hours long and I feel like we would’ve had something better).

-Overall, even if it was only the last act, they had a lot of meat on a bone that’s too short.

They had a lot of things they wanted to do (needed to do) but didn’t give themselves the time, one extra season would’ve given characters more development and would have made a lot of this stuff better in my opinion. I know a lot of hardcore fans are looking at the season through rose colored glasses and I did too, but because I love arcane as much as I do, I can actually admit when stuff wasn’t good, I don’t need to convince myself everything was done well when it wasn’t.

Now it wasn’t anywhere near bad or even mediocre it just wasn’t what it could have been.

The way they could maybe fix some things is with an extra collection of small episodes? Imagine this (maybe I’m delulu, did not sleep)

A collction of 3 short videos that cover some stuff I wish I saw: 1 (Caitlyn deciding she didn’t wanna be besties with Ambessa), 2 (Ekko and Jinx preparing for the battle, (I feel like maybe they had no idea how to make jinx act in this but I digress)), 3 (more conclusive aftermath of the battle we have been building up to for 2 seasons)

Overall it is not what it could have been if you ask me, now maybe they aren’t done with the characters (not the world, these specific babies), which I am hoping, as I said earlier I feel like there’s some people that still need character development. And also I don’t wanna say goodbye but that’s a different ache in my chest, also the way Caitlyn was talking it sounds like we should be expecting a second series with these characters (with some new ones why not), I just feel like THESE CHARACTERS ARE NOT DONE YET. And I’m not talking abt a cameo in the background, I’m talking abt a role as at the very least a side character.

These characters are the ones that introduced us to this world (unless you play the game obviously, I do not). And I feel like that gives them the right to have better written conclusions.

Feel like I’m repeating myself at this point. Probably forgot something too but whatever maybe if I remember I’ll add it.

I also just get so sad at the thought of Jinx being alone after everything she’s been through like Ekko will absolutely take you in rn sweetheart, we miss you come home (please tell me I’m not wrong abt ur ass being alive pleaseee)

If anyone read through all of this disorganized mess, I hope it made at least a bit of sense.

[yandere-paramour]

What of a darling who ONLY wears skirts and dresses and on occasion shorts no trousers. Darlings perferd length if mid thigh since they have them 😞 (mini skirts just never work rude 😒), but yeah, even in winter with tights ofc just very feminine but also just causal but in a skirt girl way? Like the only time darling is wearing trousers in the house when they need to lounge about/pj's it doesn't matter if they need to just run to the store real quick they will throw on a skirt.

Do the yans ever get possessive and feel idk like "better than most" or "respected" ah I can't get my words right, but idk darlings body is sacred, I guess.

Darling's body is absolutely sacred and should be respected!

Vivien says you can wear whatever you want because he can fight. And he loves your skirts, he thinks you look so pretty! Sometimes when you're not there, he tries on your skirts just to see what all the fuss is about.

Atalanta loves to spoil you, she loves to see you be yourself! She would buy you only the best quality skirts and tops to match it, you would look absolutely beautiful! Just be sure to wear tights or something, she doesn't want you to catch a cold.

Noelle would never restrict you if you wanted to wear skirts on the rare occasions you go out. She wears skirts herself, you both can wear skirts together.

[fvckingeetar]

Am I the only one that was a little disappointed with the arcane ending? Like idk, there were something’s that didn’t work for me.

As a caitvi lover, the whole caitvi agenda threw me off after episode 5, the lightning speed of the last episode threw me way further, jinx’s end was…good ig but something about it just doesn’t work for me and maybe it was the lack of care or reaction from the people closest to her after the fact (vi I am looking at you)

And that’s just scratching the surface of something’s that didn’t work for me. Every moment in this season hit, until episodes 6 (in my opinion the only thing that didn’t work in that episode was cait actually helping vi, it felt out of place) 8, and 9. And even then they were some masterpieces of an episode.

And honestly, I am fine with them deciding to end it in season two, though I can’t help but feel they needed another act to really get their vision across while still giving important context and interactions that don’t feel rushed or cut off too soon.

Other than that (and some other things that I am too tired to mention rn) I really really REALLY loved this season, the show as a whole, and most importantly the experience I got from just existing at the same time it aired. I cried, laughed, I was hype, confused, even more confused, and when I finally understood certain things it felt magical, this was an amazing experience and I’ll never forget it.

Thank you to everyone who worked on this masterpiece and thank you to everyone who engaged with it and interacted with others about it, we all really created some amazing moments to live through, I guess what I am trying to say is maybe the arcane… really was the friends we made along the way 🫡😂

[yoomiwrites]

We won³

Summary: The war is won, yet you lost too much. And well – how much can you still win?

Note: And here we go, part 3! Since I have all of it already finished, might as well make it a daily update. And THANKS a lot for every like, comment and message! I see you and I am THANKFUL. If you have more ideas, for stories or anything, hit em into my little box on my profile. I also have a Silco Story rotting on my phone since season 1, but idk if anyone would be up for that.

The rebuilding continued, and life finally found a rhythm that felt normal—or at least as close to normal as things could get. Ekko worked tirelessly with the Firelights, but the urgency of survival had faded into the background. With it, so had the moments he used to share with you.

At first, he didn’t notice the shift. You still checked in occasionally, bringing him food or teasing him about overworking. But those visits became less frequent, your easy laughter and steady presence replaced by quick smiles and polite excuses.

One evening, he sat alone in the Firelight base, absently tinkering with a small device. His thoughts drifted to you—how you used to be there, sitting across from him, filling the quiet with your chatter or just the comfort of your presence. The realization hit him suddenly: you weren’t around as much anymore.

And it scared him.

Ekko spent the next day looking for you, his mind racing with possibilities. Had something happened to you? Were you hurt? Or worse, were you pulling away because he’d taken you for granted?

When he couldn’t find you, he turned to Vi.

“Have you seen Y/N?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

Vi raised an eyebrow, leaning casually against the wall. “Yeah, they’re out.”

“Out where?”

“On a date.”

Her words hit him like a punch to the gut. A date? He blinked, stunned. “A date?” he echoed, his voice betraying his surprise.

Vi smirked at his reaction, though her tone softened. “What, you didn’t know? They’ve been trying to move on for a while now. Guess it’s working.”

Ekko stared at her, the weight of her words sinking in. He’d known—on some level—that you’d cared about him. He wasn’t blind to the way you’d looked at him, the way you were always there when he needed you. But he’d never let himself think too hard about it, too focused on the mission, too afraid of what it might mean.

Now, the thought of you moving on left him feeling... hollow.

Vi clapped a hand on his shoulder, snapping him out of his thoughts. “Don’t screw this up, Ekko,” she said, her voice firm but not unkind. “If you don’t want to lose them, you better figure out what you actually feel.”

He nodded absently, her words ringing in his ears. For the first time, Ekko realized what he might lose if he let you drift away completely—and he wasn’t sure he could handle that.

[scarletwinterxx]

one sunday morning - hong joshua imagine

how it took me this long to finally write a sunday morning referenced au for joshua idk too HAHAH but it's here

for my other svt fics, check them here

if you want, u can buy me coffee(totally optional but any donation is very much appreciated!) thank you🥺💛

All works are copyrighted ©scarletwinterxx 2024 . Do not repost, re-write without the permission of author.

(gif not mine, credits to rightful owner)

You hear the soft hum of the espresso machine as you stand behind the counter of the cozy little café you’ve managed for years.

It’s a quiet Sunday morning, sunlight spilling through the wide windows in golden waves, the kind that makes everything feel warm and alive. You’re arranging the freshly baked croissants in the display case when the bell above the door chimes, signaling the arrival of your favorite regular: Joshua.

Joshua, with his tousled brown hair, that lopsided grin, and the slightly oversized denim jacket he wears like it’s a second skin. He walks in with a lazy kind of confidence, as if the world couldn’t possibly surprise him, but his eyes light up the moment they find yours

Every. Single. Time.

���Morning, sunshine,” he says, leaning casually against the counter. “What’s the special today? Let me guess… something ridiculously overpriced but totally worth it if you make it?”

You roll your eyes, but your lips curve into a smile anyway. “Good morning to you too, Joshua. And no, the croissants are reasonably priced. But since you’re feeling cheeky, maybe I should double the price just for you.”

His laugh is warm and rich, like a favorite song you never get tired of hearing

“You wouldn’t dare. You like me too much.”

You arch an eyebrow, trying to look unimpressed. “Bold assumption.”

“Oh, come on. Admit it,” he teases, leaning closer. “I’m your favorite customer.”

“Second favorite,” you counter, suppressing a grin. “Mrs. Kim tops you, hands down. She doesn’t mock my pastries.”

“Mrs. Kim who said the cake wasn't moist when it was literally called moist cake?” he says, feigning offense. “But fine, I’ll accept second place... for now. What do I need to do to get bumped up to first?”

“Be nice to the barista, that’d be a start.” you say, pointing to yourself

Joshua places a hand over his heart, as if wounded. “I’m always nice to you. I even brought you this.” He pulls a small bouquet of daisies from behind his back, slightly crushed but undeniably charming.

You blink in surprise, the teasing retort on your tongue dying instantly. “You brought me flowers?”

“Don’t look so shocked,” he says, grinning sheepishly. “I saw them at the farmer’s market and thought of you. Figured they’d look better on your counter than in my office”

Your cheeks heat, and you curse the telltale blush. “That’s… really sweet. Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck as if embarrassed. Then, his voice drops into a playful lilt. “But if this earns me a free croissant, I wouldn’t say no.”

You laugh, shaking your head. “Nice try. But fine, I’ll give you one. Consider it a thank-you for being marginally charming.”

“Marginally?” He gasps in mock horror. “I’m devastated. Here I thought I was irresistibly charming.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Joshuji” you say, sliding a warm croissant onto a plate and handing it to him. “There. Now go sit down before I change my mind.”

He takes the plate, his fingers brushing yours for a brief second.

A touch so fleeting you’re not sure he even noticed.

But you do. Every time.

As he settles into his usual spot by the window, you catch yourself glancing his way more often than necessary. He’s flipping through a dog-eared paperback, his brow furrowing every now and then in concentration.

There’s something about the way he exists so effortlessly, so entirely himself that makes your heart ache in the best way.

Later, when the café is quieter and he’s the last customer lingering, he makes his way back to the counter.

“So,” he says, resting his elbows on the polished wood. “What’s your plan for the rest of the day?”

“Nothing too exciting,” you admit. “Probably just laundry and a terrible rom-com.”

“Terrible rom-coms are my specialty,” he says with a grin. “Need company?”

Your eyes widen slightly. “Are you inviting yourself over?”

“Depends. Do you have popcorn?”

You laugh, shaking your head. “You’re impossible.”

“I’ll take that as a yes,” he says, his grin softening into something quieter, something warmer. “Let me make the popcorn. You can pick the movie. Deal?”

For a moment, you hesitate, the weight of the invitation hanging in the air. But then you see the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he smiles, and you think: Why not?

“Deal,” you say, and his face lights up like a summer sky.

And just like that, without even trying, Joshua makes the ordinary feel extraordinary. This, you think, is how you fall in love.

[malamilkbeats]

My thoughts? And throwing stuff in the dark, hoping it hits something

The Heart to Heart: I mean, as sweet as S2 EP4 was with them, I couldn't shake off the cynicism of it seeming staged to some degree...but I could just be paranoid from feeling thrown for a loop by his nonchalance. Circubit didn't seem the least bit surprised about being corrupted by Cyanide from the hug. And I don't see much of people-pleasing qualities from Circubit other than this scene here. I wouldn't call it people-pleasing really, only because he might have had a soft spot for her situation since it may have been relatable.

Just by a stretch in assumption here, other than relating to her, he might have had that "heart to heart" with her to very well be re-corrupted and to have a possible stronghold down the line, now that he undoubtedly knows Cyanide doesnt a have stable, caring caretaker.

His Duality Form Control and its possible advantages: Another reason I came to this is that...I sort of agree from braincell's previous lore-informed theory that he was also using his corruption as a form of a second shield/form of escapism (from identity flaws, his past as a pure shape, the flexibility of alignment, etc...).

As dark as it is to think about, causing a rift between Cyanide and Dub could be a strategic benefit for Circubit now and later on. From my perspective, he has taken a more machiavellian, neutral approach to fix what has been wrong in his eyes because it's the only route he has open. He has taken his own means to an end to achieve what he could want, and it's kinda too early to tell whether that's to be a hero himself, rally an entire rebellion against Dub, and/or getting another chance to counter his tarnished reputation from the Royal family, his ex-friend, and most of the Land of Spheres. Or something else entirely.

Yeah, we know he's not completely aligning with either the heores nor the corrupted side. He's taking his own rogue path, and we don't really know where that destination really lies.

No Benefit being Pure: If he does take any of those possiblites, I would like to think his re-corruption here made sense, though. Would you think his goals could be achievable with his pure form? I don't believe so nor would his pure self even have the support from the heroes, caretakers, groups, and obviously the corrupted. We are only really sure that he needs to be corrupted to achieve what he might be looking for, whatever that may be. From the looks of Circusic's talk with Iris, bro doesn't have the best reputation outside of his corrupted form nor was anyone looking for him outside of sheer unconditional concern, other than he's a threat or some traiter in other's eyes, especially Iris, unfortunately.

From the short, Circubit's Recurring Memory, the king had already expected Circusic to raid the castle, removing what he was looking for. But it's unclear whether Circusic was going to steal the item for himself, something else, or Circusic could have been, misunderstood, purposefully misled, or framed. Regardless, there's still distrust of his character.

Back to Cyanide's confusing adventure for self-identity: Cyanide is most likely...POSSIBLY...(just a guess) going to be rejected by both Dub and the heroes, causing her to come back to the one and only place she felt a "crumb" of acceptance/validation: Circubit.

"We might meet again."

Yeah, alright, Circubit. Would it be sooner or later? Like, he knows she's failing to cope with rejection (and other's perception of distrust towards her) since he's already skated down that hall himself.

Honestly, I would be very, VERY surprised the hero gang would be fully accepting of her suddenly wanting to NOT be evil after naively being associated with the corrupts.

Idk, man, Cyanide is a confusing character, but she just baby though

LOOK AT HER. SHE BABY

I'm just curious where she's going after her talk with Circubit?

Any Thoughts/Theories On Season 1, Episode 4 Part 1 Video + Rant

Part 1

Heavily sighs God… Heavily sighs again, but longer… Hey, everyone… I know my sorry ass hasn’t posted something here for so, so long, but, considering that the next episode for Season 2 is here in the current making, might as well get started, right…?

RIGH-

The Episode (Part 1)

MAJOR SPOILERS WARNING

Allow me to explain how my first reaction went here…

So the opening scene of Season 2, Episode 4 start off showcasing on a rainy night, seeing Dub telling Cyanide of his uttered disappointment of Cyanide’s ongoing failures within her missions, telling her that she should’ve corrupted him, implying to be Iris himself I think since Season 2, Episode 1.

Cyanide apologizes to her boss, Dub for what happened from her previous mission with Circubit, as Dub then commands her to go back to Circubit, while not giving a fuck about you crying on her communication device. Cyanide, while staying silent from Dub’s command and still sad, ends the call.

Pauses the episode

Me: This next part made me laugh and got so angered out loud because I fucking predicted that Circusic was going to find Cyanide being fucking miserable in the rain!

Let me tell you something yawl… For some weird reason, we ARE NOW TALKING TO CIRCUBIT AS A PURE SHAPE HERE OUT OF KNOW WHERE?!?!

Continues the episode

Cyanide somehow recognizes Circubit in front of her while he’s a pure shape. Circubit as a pure shape, questions her that is her boss, Dub is being an asshole to her, which also causes Cyanide to analyze the cuss word…

Mega pauses the episode

Me: WOW, OK!!! THIS PIECE OF SHIT IS NOW TEACHING A CORRUPT HERO, WHO IS CANONICALLY 0 YEARS OLD CURRENTLY BTW, CUSS WORDS AND NOT GIVING AN FUCK!!!! Oh my god…. Guys, I just really don’t wanna hear these Heroes start swearing… It’s weird as fuck to me… Especially considering that they are still young and are childlike beings…

Continues the episode

After analyzing (the fucking cuss word…), Cyanide is seen trying to process how she actually feels about Dub as a caretaker (sort of) and boss due to how Circubit describes him. Circubit then sits down next to her through the aforementioned processing, telling her why bother listening to Dub. Cyanide tells Circubit that Dub is her caretaker and has to still listen to him.

Pauses the episode

Me: Well, Dub is her creator (sort of), but all Dub has been toward Cyanide is to be nothing but an insufferable asshole to her and she still listens to him regardless, despite the lack of care and support she has been given from him.

Continues the episode

Circubit tells Cyanide that she’s right, but also says that her boss, Dub is making her upset and not being a good caretaker to him. Circubit then starts giving Cyanide vague advice which I’m gonna briefly explain right now:

“Take my advice, always do whatcha feel is right.” This advice means to “encouraging you to prioritize your own gut feeling and inner judgment when making decisions, even if it goes against external advice or societal norms.” So, I think what Circubit is advising Cyanide to trust her own instincts and make decisions based on what she feels is morally correct or wrong.

Pauses the episode

Me: And also here’s the problem about this in my opinion… The progression of their relationship from Season 2, Episode 1 to Episode 4 so far feels inconsistent and frankly baffling:

S2E1: Back when they first met, Circubit appeared largely indifferent toward his collaboration with Cyanide, maintaining a neutral dynamic. For instance, the first thing he does to her is scare her and not caring about it upon her arrival to the Corrupted Royal Castle. While not caring to fix her naivety here, Circubit gives off this remark, "I'll handle everything," implied he didn’t rely heavily on her assistance, even though they were nominally teaming up, while Cyanide wasn’t doing shit with him from their first mission together. Their interactions were minimal—only about two throughout the episode and both gone for the next 2 episodes—conveying a relationship that seemed purely functional at best.

S2E4: Then, after 2 episodes, out of nowhere, Circubit begins fucking speaking in pure form for whatever reason. Upon encountering Cyanide again, the first thing he does is start teaching her cuss words ("asshole") with zero hesitation or concern btw. From there, his behavior becomes jarringly inconsistent. He suddenly starts acting like he genuinely cares about Cyanide’s well-being all of a sudden, offering her vague advice, such as to “trust her instincts.” Yet, seconds later, he's allowing Cyanide to make him become corrupted again—seemingly so he can resume his chaotic plans. Their entire dynamic so far felt forced and nonsensical, and I was utterly confused by it…

Do you see what I mean? There’s no logical progression between the neutral, detached Circubit of Season 2, Episode 1, and the suddenly supportive, seemingly empathetic Circubit of Season 2, Episode 4 BECAUSE WE NEVER SEE THAT HAPPEN BEFOREHAND UP UNTIL THIS EPISODE EVEN STARTED!!!

Continues the episode

When Cyanide asks Circubit if that’s what he has been doing, Circubit says Yep! to her, telling her that he’s hasn’t been doing anything his boss, Dub told him to do.

Quickly pauses the episode

Me: Oh my god… Dub is getting some dogshit servants…

Also also, this next part is even more baffling………

Quickly continues the episode

Cynaide, while briefly staying silent, flies up tells Circubit that she actually wants to be a hero instead of being a villain.

ABSOUTELY MEGA PAUSES THE EPISODE

Me: When did you believe that...... When did this thought finally cross your mind Cyanide after the past 3 fucking episodes you were in because there was no development progression up until this point for you to be saying that line with the help of Circubit! All you were was from the previous episodes, Season 1, Episode 9-10 to Season 2, Episode 1 is just being a poorly written woobie with a frustratingly naïve sense of morality that gets you into these dumb shenanigans with these unlikeable/selfish corrupts in the fucking first place, causing you to appear completely distrustworthy and suspicious of most of the good guys into severe depression mode!!!

You were gone for like 2 WHOLE FUCKING EPISODES (S2E2 - 3) in this season so far, which made me almost completely forget about you as a character. And within this episode, the first thing you finally come back to do here is dramatically cry in the fucking rain to make me feel so terribly sorry for you sympathetically with your situation, even though I don't care about you because of how frustrating you are to me!

Secondly, you immediately started analyzing swearing and possibly will do it more later on (which is clearly Circubit's fault btw for swearing at a canonically 0 year old hero with no hesitation), which led me to scream out a huge "WOW, OK!" Because of how unbelievably stupid or maybe even laughable that was for the past 30 something seconds in this opening scene.

FINALLY, this one is just the best topping of how frustrating your character and alignment is on my fucking birthday cake. After some brief advice you've gotten from Circubit's bitch ass, when you said, "I want to be a hero. I do not like being evil.", A few seconds later you intentionally hugged Circubit as a pure form, CAUSING HIM TO BECOME CORRUPTED ONCE AGAIN!!! LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM OUT OF YOUR TINY MOUTH?!?! This baffling and contradictory behavior is the cherry on top of what makes your character alignment—and overall arc so far—so unbelievably maddening.

Slams on on my spacebar to continue the episode

Circubit then tells her Great!, saying to her that they might met again. Cyanide starts quickly zooming toward Circubit, hugging and thanking him by using her head while also… FUCKING CORRUPTING HIM BACK TO HIS CORRUPT FORM FOR FUCK SAKE…!

Slams on my space to pause the episode

Me: The execution of Circubit's return as a corrupt was somewhat exciting, I suppose, but it doesn’t excuse Cyanide’s sudden desire to become a “true hero” this time around without no good development up until this point of the series. This already further shows me how fucked up her neutrality truly is. And, Cyanide STILL doesn't care about the consequences of her actions so far because she actively and intentionally facilitates Circubit's return to his corrupt form, knowingly enabling him to cause more chaos—and does so without appearing to care in the slightest!

AND WHY THE FUCK IS SHE SMILING ABOUT IT!?!? BRO!!!

Slams on on my spacebar to continue the episode

Circubit appreciatingly tells Cyanide that she doesn’t have to thank her while going back to his corrupt form, saying to her about whacha needed to know. After Circubit leaves her, Cyanide starts flashing back toward the worst episode of the TPC series, remembering Cyan's advice and after that, she fucking smiles again and leaves, presumably going back to the main gang or not.

Part 1 ends here.

Finally done, gonna cry in my closet while eating a bowl of ice cream for breakfast....

Plus, If you guys have any further theories/predictions for part 2, tell me in the comments below.