#idk I’m just emotional today ig

[margoshansons]

Happy Saint Nicholas Day to everyone who celebrates!

May you find chocolate coins and tiny gifts hidden in your shoes this morning 🥰

[celestialmancer]

⛈️ //

[artsyannierose]

Nene’s Dead Corpse and her ghost bf

randomly made a crap ton more sense to me

why?

fricking school (screw school I hate you (no not rly I’m just stressed))

Anyway I’m a biomed class where unit 1 is studying medical investigations forensic science style

and one of the things is like, what happens to a person after the body has been dead for a while (post mortem or sum, see im learning :D)

Things like algor mortis, livor mortis, I’ve heard of. In fact I’ve even studied the clouding of the corneas before, but it never got to me till today

maybe it’s cause I cannot for the life of me study forensics without my wild imagination giving me nightmares or just panicking when I’m alone but aNyWays

I tend to imagine characters associated with death in these scenarios so I don’t lose it in class💀

*cough* Nene *cough cough*

So as I was taking notes on the slideshow, some of the images of clouded corneas reminded me strangely of something familiar, but at that point I couldn’t tell. There’s something haunting about the eyes (or maybe it’s just my over-analytical brain loving small details like this) they’re GORGEOUS

LIKE

IDK THEYRE PRETTY

Maybe it’s ‘cause the true color of the iris is completely visible in all its glory, without the pupil obscuring it

(something like this?? A little vivid tho lol)

but like

there’s no

life

no reflection, no emotion…nothing (which is so hauntingly beautiful leave me alone I’m a sucker for this now)

it’s literally just an eye with nothing but color

and then it hit me…it’s exactly the look Nene had when Mirai fast-forwarded her time

you can see in the image it’s just her plain magenta eyes with a fuzzy de-saturated blob in the center…aka clouded corneas

And that honestly made me realize that in this scene she’s not—she’s not even unconscious

No she’s literally, physiologically dead

THAT IS A CORPSE HE IS HOLDING

she is literally a dead body this hits me so hard😭😭

and I can imagine algor mortis kicked in by then, her body was probably cold to the touch

so imagine how he felt, and I’m aware people have analyzed his emotions but just think about it

he’s always seen her so full of life and hope, and now all he has left is an empty shell of her, cold and dead with no life left inside

…just like him

the more I think about it Hanako is just an animated corpse

he has no reflection in his eyes most of the time because he is ✨dead✨

I mean Mei, Mitsuba, and Hanako don’t have a little white reflection dot like Nene and Kou

Or maybe I’m overthinking it and Nene’s eyes are just super reflective

even for someone who presumably took his own life, he probably never saw tsukasa’s body start postmortem and actually feel dead bc it looked extremely bloody ngl (I’m guessing he killed himself right after 💔)

and now he’s holding someone he cares about like this for the first time and I’ll bet that scarred him

and he figured out that never, never ever did he ever want to see his sweet assistant like this again, lifeless in his arms

and so after that, cue Hanako in his villain era who basically became a yandere the entire picture perfect lmao

and he was unbelievably adamant about it too

I mean honestly if I held anybody I knew lifeless like that I’d be scarred for life and crying for days

seeing the light drained from someone’s eyes is so interestingly sad to me

Look at the difference:

Happy

vs Sad/Determined

vs Depressed (ig??)

vs Dead

She still has so much emotion in her eyes

and then d e a d

literally looks like a porcelain doll

wait she looks so pale in the last image compared to the others now that I think about it

I love aidairo’s eye for detail it’s so fun to figure out

Well anyways thanks for coming to my Ted Talk essay atp-

IT’S PAST 1 AM AND I SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR SAID BIOMED CLASS AND HERE I AN GOING ON A TANGENT ABOUT A FICTIONAL CHARACTER’S EYES

send help

anyways excuse me while I grab a box of strawberries to munch on and cry my eyes out all over my homework before I sleep-

[chvoswxtch]

Life is being a b rn and i am overwhelmed X 100 so i was listening to sweet nothings by T.Swift yesterday and sobbed imaging matt. So the request: reader is hella stressed due to work and life she comes home one day and just breaks down and matt goes "hey come here" and then he kisses her nose and her eyelids (idk y i find this cute) and its all soft and fluffy. feel to ignore this ig lmao. love you xx

again, I wasn't planning on posting this today, but it spilled out of me so easily I felt like it was a sign that you really needed this today nonnie, and maybe someone else does too. I hope your day is going so well, & you're feeling much better. sending you all the love, my darling. ❤️

blurb below the cut.

sweet nothing.

to you i can admit, that i’m just too soft for all of it

Matt could tell from two blocks away that it had been a rough day. He felt the tension weighing down your shoulders like gravity, and the heat of irritation burned across the tops of your cheeks. He heard your labored breathing when you entered the building as you attempted to steady your emotions in case you had to face him.

You always tried to compose yourself when you came home, no matter how much Matt reminded you that you couldn’t fool him. He knew you like the back of his hand, even without his heightened senses. You were always so worried about caring for him that you often tried to erase his opportunities to show you the same gentle affection. 

Like you were right now, furiously wiping away frustrated tears in the elevator, probably hoping that he couldn’t already taste them. His heart ached at the way you took deep breaths to calm yourself before stepping off the elevator, and the way your fingers struggled to locate the correct key on your set. 

He wasn’t always home when you had a rough day, and he often felt guilty about that. His biggest regret in your relationship was that he wasn’t always there for you as much as you were for him. But he was here now.

Matt opened the door the second you stepped in front of it, noting the sharp gasp of surprise at his presence, and he plastered an empathetic smile on his lips as he extended his hand to reach for you.

“C’mere.”

“Matty…I…d-didn’t think you’d be home. Don’t you have that-”

“Angel, come here.”

Matt didn’t give you a chance to hesitate this time, lightly grasping onto your waist to pull you inside, gently tugging your purse away from your shoulder to toss onto the entry table as he shut the door with his foot. The moment he enveloped you tightly into his chest with his strong arms, you broke. 

It never failed to break Matt’s heart hearing you cry. You were sensitive, and sometimes crying was how you let it all out. He understood that about you, but it still pained him nonetheless. He wanted to protect you from everything; the monsters that hid in the shadows, and the ones that lurked in your mind.

Matt delicately cradled the back of your head against his chest while he held you, rubbing soothing circles along your lower back with his palm as he shushed you, pressing his lips firmly to the crown of your head while you cried into his dress shirt. He lightly swayed with you from side to side, which conjured the memory of the two of you dancing around the living room a few months ago with the aided technicolor lights of the billboard across the street. You had been so happy that night. Matt made a mental note to dance with you more often.

He allowed you a few moments of comfortable silence before speaking, keeping his voice quiet and gentle.

“Do you wanna talk about it, sweetheart?”

“Today was just…hard, Matty. I…don’t know how to-”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to. Did something happen? Or is it a little bit of everything?”

“Little bit of everything.”

Matt hummed in acknowledgement, slipping his fingers into your hair to lightly massage at the back of your scalp. He rested his chin on top of your head and closed his eyes, listening for your heartbeat to decrescendo into a calmer rhythm. He tightened his arm around your waist when you let out a heavy exhale, your entire body releasing the pent up stress along with it. It always made his chest swell with pride that you found a safe haven in his body as much as he did yours.

“I love my job…but it’s so…stressful sometimes. And I’m…I feel like I’m doing everything I can.”

“I know what you mean, honey.”

“Maybe I’m not g-”

“Don’t start that.”

Matt’s voice was firmer as he wrapped his hand around the back of your neck to give it a light squeeze, dipping his head down so that he could press his forehead against yours.

“You are good enough. You’re just having a rough day, sweetheart. It’ll pass. It always does, right? That’s what you tell me, isn’t it?”

“It’s different with you, Matty.”

“How do you mean, honey?”

“You’re…strong. You can handle it. Sometimes I think…I’m just too soft for all of it.”

A faint smile tugged at the corner of Matt’s mouth as he pulled back slightly to cup your face in his hands, brushing your tears away with his thumbs carefully. His blank eyes stared just above your head, and the smile on his lips split into a wider grin as he shook his head slowly.

“What?”

“It’s okay to be soft. That’s where I come in, honey. To be strong when you can’t. Whatever you feel like you can’t handle, just give to me. Let me have it. I’ll do whatever I can to make it better.”

A soft sigh escaped your mouth as you wrapped your hands around Matt’s wrists, leaning your face into his right palm. He could feel your eyes on him, and the way the corner of your mouth quirked up slightly.

“You know, you may be the Devil to everyone else, but you’re an angel to me. I’d tell you to change your name, but I don’t think ‘The Angel of Hell’s Kitchen’ would strike fear the same way.”

A deep laugh rumbled in Matt’s chest at your words, and his eyes crinkled as he grinned down at you.

“Probably not.”

“Besides, you look really good in red, Saint Matthew.”

“Duly noted, sweetheart.”

Matt flashed you a cheeky grin as he leaned in to press a soft kiss to your forehead. His warm breath fanned over your skin as he placed another kiss to the tip of your nose, one to both of your eyelids which caused you to giggle, and lingering ones to your cheeks before he finally met your lips in a soft kiss.

“What do you say we order in and take a bath, hm?”

“With bubbles?”

“All the bubbles you want.”

“All the bubbles I want? You spoil me, Matty.”

tags: @yarrystyleeza @little-miss-dilf-lover @neverlandcity @charmedkim @queenofthenoobs @stilldreaming666 @mattymurdock1021 @bubuslutty @messymissy @dark-academia-slut @strawberry1042

[my-castles-crumbling]

hey cas... not really sure how to type this so ig i'll get get right into it

i'm a year older than my two best friends, and they go to school together while i go somewhere else. we still make an effort to hang out and stuff, but most of our interaction goes on in a discord server consisting of them and their grade-level friends and me. i'm not a huge fan of all the stuff that goes on in the server, bc there's a lot of joking about using slurs (and using slurs) and slut-shaming and homophobia. not really from my friends but it's not like they're ever saying anything either, and they do participate sometimes. keep in mind that nearly everybody in here is a cishet male, and most of them are white too.

i know i'm considered to be a bit of a buzzkill sometimes bc i don't really let them get away with shit, but i also don't call these guys out nearly as much as i probably should. if i called them out every time one of them said something problematic (like i used to) the whole thing would be a never-ending argument.

anyways, today i found out there are 2 channels made specifically to exclude me: a voice channel, made even though i never go on vc, and a channel for one of the two guys i get into arguments with most often. this is something my two best friends are most definitely participating in, and i really dk how to feel about that. i hung out with one of them today and i'm hanging out with both of them tomorrow. i really don't want to lose them but idk what to do bc i also don't want to sit here and let myself feel bad bc of things they're doing.

i really just don't know what to do. ik i deserve better than to be made uncomfortable in a gc i'm in every day but i don't know how to go about making things better without fucking up our friendship, which is already kinda strained considering this is our main way to connect these days.

Hi! ❤️

This is a tough one. It’s hard because I want to be like “well, you shouldn’t be friends with those people” because…they seem like shit people, ngl. But I know that I’m just getting one snapshot of them and friendships aren’t easily broken like that, especially if there’s history there.

Honestly, I would talk to the two best friends. Tell them how you feel and see how they react to your emotions. If they brush you off, it might be a sign to branch out. But if they don’t, maybe make a gc just the three of you, you know?

Either way, it might be smart to think about which of these people you want to be close with. Who do you want to make an effort with? Because the people using slurs aren’t worth your time.

Naming you discord anon!

[sweatstainsinwinter]

Day 28 of the gateway tapes

So today I moved onto wave 1 tape 4

It’s meant to help you release negative emotions. I didn’t realise this before I started. And yk usually I have LOADS of doubts and stuff but I was actually in a good place when I did it today so it wasn’t very effective.

I think it’d be a good tape to do though if you’re having a bad day. Or before shifting, if you have doubts and limiting beliefs.

Day 29: had a bit of a bad day so I tried out this tape again. Didn’t rlly work very well though cuz I fell asleep and then kept forgetting the steps 😨✌🏽

Day 30: I tried tape 5 but I kept falling asleep 😭 Also there’s this big gap half way through tape 5 and I have NO IDEA what I’m meant to do (I think that’s what makes me sleepy. My mind just wanders into sleep)

Day 31: I did tape 5 again and actually got through it!! I think I do the tapes best when I’ve just woken up, since I’m less likely to fall asleep through them. So in the tape you need to leave your body. I think this would be fairly easy if I can just master focus 10 a bit more. I can usually get into it most of the time. I think I’ll practice it a bit more before I try this tape again :)

Also at the end your meant to count to 20 and fall asleep, so I’m not sure when the best time to do this tape would be? If I’m too tired I’d fall asleep before I can leave my body. But then if I’m not tired enough I wouldn’t be able to sleep at the end? Also why do I need to fall asleep in the first place 😭?? Anyway I also did advanced today a bit later and fell asleep

I keep failing recently? Ig it’s a mix of mindset and also me not being able to sleep at night so I’m almost always sleepy during the day 😔

Day 32: got into focus 10 twice

Day 33: Sleep explorations is still rlly hard :(

When I woke up (I fell asleep during) my body felt soo heavy tho

Day 34: HELP I DID SLEEP EXPLORATION AND I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED 😭? (Tbf I am writing this 10ish hours after I did it). Ig it didn’t go well?? Or did I even do sleep exploration? Ik I did two tapes today and one was advanced focus 10 so it makes sense the other one was sleep exploration..? Idk I should write what happened after I finish the tapes and not wait half a day after 😔

[3rddimension]

(Sorry if this has been mentioned before)

I was scrolling through C’s TikTok today and I know I’ve seen this one a before, but I think because of all the marriage comments floating around lately, it just hit me different this time:

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM6YNtDLC/

What if this was low key an engagement announcement? Idk if it makes sense with the timeline because I think we might have seen C wearing a ring here and there a while before this video was posted (June 30, 2023), but I can’t remember so let me know if I’m wrong. The first time I remember anyone mentioning anything about a ring was the IKEA trip with Erin, Spencer, and Josh which was posted in July 2023.

But either way, the text being placed right over the ring is sus, and C just seems really shocked and overwhelmed with emotion in the video and it just says “When he” with no other context. The only other thing I could think of that happened around that time was Anthony coming back. The TikTok being about an engagement still makes more sense to me, but that could just be me being delulu hahaha

Anyway, that’s just my theory of the day and I would love if it turned out to be true. Here’s hoping we get to find out at some point in the near future 🤞🤞🤞

TikTok link from anon:

I think the first we saw the ring is from when Court & Kimmy went to Las Vegas in this IG. (Which she posted around 15th April) Check the 5th and 6th image. It's pretty far but is obviously the same ring. It's also in the Creator Clash 2 post later as well.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Courtney Miller (@co_mill)

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A post shared by Courtney Miller (@co_mill)

[vlindervin7]

listened to all of janelle monae’s albums today in preparation for the age of pleasure and have decided this is my final ranking

dirty computer = the archandroid > the electric lady > metropolis

metropolis i haven’t listened to a lot and it’s also v obviously her weakest which makes sense! still enjoyable though. thennnn i think the archandroid might be their strongest album quality wise? perhaps? everything abt it is amazing. the instrumentals, the story line, her voice, etc etc.

however!!! my first instinct is to put dirty computer first just bc i have soooo many memories attached to it and there’s the emotion picture and i do think it’s really on the same level as the archandroid but i’m not sure how objective i can be abt it realistically

and then the electric lady… is ofc also a masterpiece but i’m divided on it ig. like again the story is so interesting and i love dj crash crash and how his show is a perfect example of show don’t tell and is really funny too. and the album does have some of my all time favourite janelle songs but i feel like the second half isn’t as strong as the rest of it and as the other two. i feel like maybe it could’ve benefited from not having like five slower songs following each other at the end like that but maybe you have to be in a certain type of mood to appreciate it idk.

anywayssss janelle monae is an icon and would love to hear your thoughts if you happen to have any

[tutuandscoot]

I think I’m having withdrawals after all the hype of today.. luckily I had work to distract me but really feeling the energy dropping at the end of the day, which is normal and to be expected with such an exciting day with so much content..

This really did get sprung on me so I wanst prepared to be making edits- threw a few gifs together just as I was watching but hopefully I can make an IG edit soon aswell

I don’t really know where I’m going with all this other than to kinda debrief with myself.

I’m sure there’ll be more to say and if anyone has more thoughts/hasn’t watched it yet.. I’ll be looking forward to continuing..

I think the most exciting thing about it (for me at least)- as someone who really is here to document their legacy and bring truth and emotion to everything they achieved.. it’s amazing to think I have these new insights/quotes/their pov of it all the put into continued documentation of their incredible legacy.

Ok. That’s it.. will still be on for a few hours.. idk what time it is elsewhere but it’s late for me.. travelling home so if anyone who has any screaming left to do/feels to share hmu ❤️

[cerealmonster15]

Hey! Here’s some info about the next main stories of the other units!

Leo/need- prepare to for the power of friendship :3 (I’m biased pls read this one)

More more Jump- MINORI!! This one is also sweet but Haruka hurt me (also pls read this one pls pls pls)

Vivid bad squad- this one is so gay. Like when I first read this one I thought kohane had a crush on an 😭 you might not like Akito in this! But the event stories gives him character development so he’s more like able there

Nightcore at 25- prepare to be emotionally distraught. (Ig all of the stories are emotional but this one is the most sad)

Also! For event stories, I recommend that you go and read from the oldest ones to the newest ones! And don’t stick to one unit! Because the events reference older events so for example if there’s a mixed event with emu, haruka, and mafuyu, and it references an event that happened before that for haruka but you’ve only read wxs event stories, then you may not get the reference! Event stories are what happens after the main story, the main story is basically how they got together, and the event stories are what they get up to and a lot of character development happens! After completing an event story, you will unlock some new area convos that are related to that event story! And if you watch a virtual live of an event story, then you will receive a stamp when you’re done! If an event is happening at the moment, as in right now, then watching episodes will give you 50 gems, even if you skip it! If you watch episodes of an event story that isn’t the current one, then you will get music cards(the ones you need to get more songs, like ray, venom, etc.)! I can answer questions you have about prsk gladly so don’t be afraid to ask! :D

omg i love the power of friendship...!!!

god ok the only ones i can remember by name are - obviously wonderland showtime lol, vivid bad squad bc thats the one my buddy started with, and now nightcore at 25 bc i watched all the Little Petite Guys things u sent today and their little episode at trying to meet at different times solidified their group name in my mind kfjsljfkldsj they are also the group felix started with so those are the 3 groups ive heard the most about. tho not too much on the not wonderhoys bc no spoilers :3

i keep mixing up the last 2 groups LOL

hmmm i feel like when i tried clicking the event story thing it just threw me into one and i got confused LOL idr if i got to pick 🤔 or maybe it was an ongong one that had just ended... idk i get easily confused and overwhelmed with so much going on FGDFdgfdg but i want the lore.... so i must persevere!!

[yandere-monoma]

I have a KYM fanart WIP I started before ch4, and I was using my own appearance headcanons in it. My strilondes are Black and non-albino, and in ch4 it’s a point that Rose and Dirk are naturally blonde (iirc it was already mentioned previously? But wasn’t a big point). What would you like me to do about it? Also yeah, humans aren’t known to have purple eyes either lol so they *could* technically be Black, non-albino, and naturally blonde

Also while typing this I realized a grave error I was making. For some reason I’ve always imagined Rose Strider to have purple hair (currently all my Roses have purple hair if the setting allows it; main beta Rose is currently pale lavender though, all the others more dark purple; not much thought, it just happened). But if she isn’t naturally blonde, she should have *bleached* hair. My Dave literally starts out with bleached hair and grows out his natural black hair on the meteor (not as in “natural=good, unnatural=bad”, as in “bleached is Dirk, Dave is not Dirk”).

And now I’m thinking about the “she should just be Dirk” from the note to the first chapter and thinking about making a new Rose Strider design (I did one aaaall the way back in 2017, iirc very close to me just getting into HS, and I still use it. Props to the 2017 me though for realizing very clearly that Rose would still have the triangle shades in 2009!!!), and just, incorporating so much Dirk into it. And thinking through her life and incorporating so much Dirk into it.

And now I’m thinking, for Dave it was fundamental to break out of the Dirkness instilled onto him, what will all that be for Rose, who is *actually much closer to Dirk*?

Oh oh and, since I’m here, I’ll put the things I’ve wanted to write in the ao3 comment here too, as much as it’ll work. I’m *so* fucking emotional over KYM. I found it accidentally (was looking for porn lol) and it has full force pulled me out of my Intermission hyperfixation I was miserable in and reactivated my investment into the Kids. AND THE STYLE. *Cal*. The commands. Screaming screaming screaming screaming.

Oh and. Question. Why is there no Gamzee’s color but both Dirk and Hal with Cal?

I do not think Rose Strider is entirely Dirk though, and I think Dirk raised by Bro would have been different from her too, including afab Dirk. Now I’m interested to think about that….

And the ch4 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I love Rose Strider. I love Rose Strider. I love Rose Strider. I love Rose Strider.

And I love Dave Egbert.

I also remember thinking a lot about SBURB and carapacians wrt the comment I’ve originally planned to write? But now I don’t think those thoughts are actually all that relevant and now I just want to sit and wait and read.

@_@ WHOA WHAT A SWEET ASK thank you!!!! mind blown seein this baby in my inbox today HAHA

god this got long i rly love rambling and i leap at any chance to do it about KYM so HAHHDFJKG

first of all KYM FANART!?!?!?!!! CRIES ACTUAL BLOOD OH THANK YOU 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

as for an answer to your question, hmm!!! i'm honestly honored to receive anything so i don't have many answers to that!! especially because my actual race hcs for the strilondes are.... incredibly fluid and they just appear to me as what's fun in that moment HAHADFJG sometimes they're white, sometimes they're mixed and/or white-passing, sometimes they're black, sometimes they're black and albino. i dont think their hair colors are an indication of their race at all, rather it's more just another cue to whatever mutations they received during the cloning process, like, no matter what color their skin comes out as, rose always tends to have white-ish hair while dirk is blond-ish to me.

so ig do whatever you'd like with that info!! it's hard to pick one option with that because i like them all HAHAFJG

(god i do love a lavender-haired rose though 😭 every rose fanart design i see is my favorite idk how people can just decide on one... thankfully for me tho im a writer and thus can just sort of vaguely dance away from ever having to choose LOL)

will say though, YEAH, the way she dresses is very dirk. her hair is styled exactly like dirk's, too. what she wears specifically, though, definitely depends, because.... well, cuz the thing with 'rose is dirk' is that, as you've pointed out (and as i'll go on about later), there's a difference between being dirk and being RAISED by dirk. especially a dirk who is bro. so it is just as likely that rose is wearing an outfit reminiscent to alpha dirk as it is that she's wearing a smaller version of bro's outfit as it is that she's just wearing jeans and a black t-shirt with some generically edgy bullshit on it. bro isn't as adamant to controlling his children's fashion tastes as some of his other things, the question is more... would rose be interested in branching out like that? or would she care more about copying him?

there's also a running joke with my friends that rose strider actually just dresses in playboy outfits all the time because bro is a porn-rotted pervert with a hentai addiction. so sometimes i just imagine her with shades, gelled hair and a sailor fuku. lmfao.

thinking about it, i think it'd be cute if rose had a shirt with just a black circle on it. or some of design based on the ouroboros, hmhmhm... decisions decisions thoughts thoughts...

And now I’m thinking, for Dave it was fundamental to break out of the Dirkness instilled onto him, what will all that be for Rose, who is *actually much closer to Dirk*?

it's fun watching everyone go insane going down the same mental paths i did whilst creating killswitch HAHAHJDFG... INDEED YES!!!!!!! you are absolutely right to say this... what does it mean for rose to go through the dave journey of breaking out of his brother's influence?

so what i'll say is this: KYM functions as a 'pre-canon' fic describing rose strider's backstory. if/when i get to continue on with the killswitch au, i will actually try and write down more of the details of their actual sburb session, where rose does get to go through a lot more of dave's actual plot points. dave starts off idolizing his brother before separation from him leads him to process his emotions about how he was raised. the same will happen for rose when she's in the game 🥰💖

I’m *so* fucking emotional over KYM. I found it accidentally (was looking for porn lol) and it has full force pulled me out of my Intermission hyperfixation I was miserable in and reactivated my investment into the Kids. AND THE STYLE. *Cal*. The commands. Screaming screaming screaming screaming.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUUUU!!!! that means so much to me 😭 lmfao trying to find porn and accidentally getting obliterated is one of my fave things to experience on ao3. welcome back to loving our darling kids >:3 <3 and thank you for sharing your thoughts and your love!!! it makes it that much easier and that much more exciting to work on updates knowing i have people like you to write for 🥰💖💖💖 if you do get a chance to comment i cant wait to read them~ just the thought is super appreciated wah!

Why is there no Gamzee’s color but both Dirk and Hal with Cal?

a lot of it is just a coincidence from that particular chapter that gamzee's influence isn't seen as much! my approach to lil cal is that he is an imperfect blend of every component he's made up of, and all of those components are souls constantly fighting for control. however, because of the nature of their personalities, some are able to be more in control than others.

'control' can also mean different things: it could mean that they get to control lil cal's dialogue (most of his dialogue is very reminiscent of caliborn), while others get to control what lil cal will focus on in the narrative (lil cal goin on about bro's RIPPLING BICEPS and PECS and how MAAAANLY he is was a reference both to caliborn's alpha male bullshit and also arquius/equius)

only one half of gamzee was sucked into lil cal which i think has done very weird things to how he's been integrated. in some way, this has put his ability to influence lil cal at a big disadvantage, especially when he's up against such huge personalities like caliborn or dirk/hal. i don't think he's as easy to spot and i think considering the nature of gamzee's personality, he's not exactly running to 'speak' or grab for control. he's just chilling. but his influence is there!!! especially when it comes to type of violence bro is encouraged to enact

AKA!!!!!

sometimes the violence that bro enacts is because of caliborn but more times than not it is actually because of gamzee. gamzee intensifies bro's capacity to love and the way that twists into extreme excessive violence. caliborn's violence is aggressive, necessary, quick and blunt, which gamzee's is more random, more encompassing and, most importantly, WAAAAY more sexual. gamzee is the reason why bro is so willing to take and utilize drugs despite the way that contradicts alpha dirk's resistence to them and the reason he is still more than capable of expressing affection towards rose. bro obsessively obsessively Obsessively adores his little sister and this is all because of gamzee's yandere ass and we will see more of that in chapters to come >:3

.... anyway, to actually answer that question: there was no gamzee color there in ch4 because gamzee did not choose (or have the ability) to speak there

I do not think Rose Strider is entirely Dirk though, and I think Dirk raised by Bro would have been different from her too, including afab Dirk. Now I’m interested to think about that….

true!!! she's not >:3 such is the fun of nature vs nurture. rose can never actually be dirk because she's rose. she can also never be dirk because she was not raised in the middle of an ocean or raised in fuckin 80s era texas.

but also she IS dirk because she says she is dirk and because bro/dirk says she is dirk and because she is a dirk who was raised by a dirk (except she's not a dirk raised by a dirk, she's a rose raised by a dirk).

rose strider does not WANT to be rose, she does not want to be her own person (dirk does not want her to be her own person), she can't handle being her own person, she wants to be her brother. she wants to replace her identity with his. that is not psychologically possible which is half of why she's as fucked up as she is HAHA. rose is not a perfect clone of dirk. even clones would develop their own personality. twins can have identical dna and will still have their own personalities. it all depends on the circumstances of their experiences, theres so much that can define what makes up a person and that's really what i'm trying to explore with rose. just a whole bunch of identity fuckery hajfhgdjg

also AFAB DIRK W/ BRO IS DEFINITELY VERY INTERESTING because i think the difference between dirk and the beta strilondes is that when faced with their parental issues, dave assimilates and rose plays along. dave didnt try and resist his training. rose, when under the mindset that her mother wanted to engage in psychological warfare with her, didnt roll her eyes and ignore it and she didnt do a thing to shut it down. she engaged in battle!! she retaliated with her own mind games!! she took her passive aggression and returned it, which is why, to me, rose would take everything bro threw at her and try and return it tenfold.

but dirk hrmrmrmrmmm.... seems more naturally rebellious? and when faced with his own bullshit he argues against it, even while he's lowkey folding under the pressure. i think, in my interpretation of a brodirk plotline, i would use haldirk as an inspiration. constant bickering and arguing and trying to either grab for the upperhand or deflect whatever blows he receives, all while slowly but surely going fucking INSANE under the surface until it EXPLODES.

and like, listen, i feel bad for any strider child of bro's HJKDFGSDFG but i think dirk would hurt me so much cuz he wouldnt rly allow himself to have an outlet (which is relatable to me so uGHGHGH i FEEL ITTT).... i think out of all the strider kids he'd have the worst time with physical self-harm to cope and ugh the worst dysphoria too because of the ways bro would torture him about it (and he would get some of the worst bro torture imo too because at least dave is passive enough to not warrant punishment yknow and at least rose is strongwilled enough to brute force her way through much of the insults she gets. i imagine dirk would be rly weak to bro's verbal abuse and that on top of the physical and sexual shit UGH POOR DIRK POOR ALL OF THEM HONESTLY)

I GOTTA STOP THERE IM NOT TRYNA MAKE NEW AUS HERE LMFAO 🤣😭🤣😭🤣

BUT YEAH IM GLAD YOU LOVE ROSE STRIDER AND DAVE EGBERT THEY ARE MY DARLINGS MY ANGELS MY CHILDREN MY PRIDE!!!!!! i would still love to read your sburb/carapacians thoughts tho if you're ever inclined to share them 🥰 but YEAH

THANK YOU FOR SUCH A GREAT ASK THO AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT it's great hearing from you 🥰🥰🥰🥰

[strhwaberries]

okay, i just want to briefly talk about the wayv fanmeeting so if you’re curious pls read but just know that i’m highly emotional and these are my own feelings and maybe it’s not going to be a super accurate account at all

so first what i want to say is that when they arrived on stage we noticed kun was sitting on a chair while the other four were performing, idk if that was the case in london as i haven’t seen any videos but just to say that yet again, an idol is physically unwell after a very long tour, and ofc he apologized to us and we told him not to, and he was like “i’m feeling better already so maybe i’ll dance a little tonight” and we were all like nooooooo pls rest, also i have to say this in passing but he looks better for real ?? like how ?? kun pls calm down, i know you used to be my bias but don’t come for me like that

anyway. ten. let’s talk about ten. another man i used to bias. coming for me again too. well well well. obviously the man loves his cats so he travels with cute pictures of them, how can i not fall for that, it’s just impossible. he showed us pics of his previous trips to paris where he had shorter hair and he was like “oh should i cut my hair” and everybody screamed nooooooo and surely that would be a crime, he looks extremely good with longer hair, why is that dude so attractive, also why is he so goddamn cute with cat ears when he asked us what was the french word for nyan and we said miaou and he said it and oooohhhh goodbye my heart, also all his interactions with yangyang are so cute it’s like two brothers, and when yangyang said they didn’t need to go see the mona lisa bc they had ten, why are these men so adorable, i love love love them so much, but i was supposed to talk about ten and now i digress bc i’m thinking of yy

my baby. idk, i don’t have the words, but he said “bonjour je m’appelle yangyang” and i was gone, i ascended and i’m still high up there, i can’t help it how my eyes will always seek him and how i’m always transfixed by his presence on stage, like yes i’m aware there’s ten and kun and even xiaojun but YANGYANG, i only want to look at yangyang when he’s dancing

oh bc yes i forgot to say, i had a seat way up high but right in front of the stage so i had a really good view - unlike at the atz concert where i couldn’t see a thing - so ig maybe that’s why i’m super happy, it’s really nice to actually see the choreos - and yes i typed whoreos and then corrected myself but my god they did love talk and nectar so what am i supposed to say, i love when men are sexy on stage, i love when they’re cute also, kpop is bad for the heart but it also makes me so happy, i hope they know they saved me, like literally, even my mom said i sounded good on the phone today, i wish i could have told them but maybe i’ll do that another time, they promised they would come back for a real concert and i know they always promise that but i hope this time it’s true, i know they want to come back to europe, esp yangyang he looked super emotional when he talked about how he used to live in germany, i bet he was super disappointed they didn’t stop there

i’m talking too much so i’ll just finish with this, they sound amazing live, they’re super fun and endearing, apparently hendery has a lot of french fans, like the venue literally went crazy every time he did or said something, and ten bought macarons and coffee and a lovely antique mirror and wine and cheese and yeah if yangyang wasn’t up there ten would be my man but it is what it is, honestly the dude knows what’s good about life, i’ll just stop there but i’m going to cherish this moment for a very very long time - and i almost didn’t go bc i was feeling so depressed but i’m glad i did even tho i was stuck in traffic jams coming and going and there were thunderstorms on the highway, it was totally worth it

[yellowmelodyheart]

You know what, why not write up a little journal entry? As much as I’m always posting to IG stories, I still have to stop myself sometime because I can probably get a little too annoying.

Just thoughts ahead.

Transitioning from vacation brain back to work brain has been so hard. AND it’s been during my luteal phase so I’m extra cranky. I swear, I feel like I JUST had my period…the months go by so fast 😭.

I’m really sick of always waking up feeling angry and lethargic and unmotivated. People waking up feeling motivated and ready for their day honest to god feels like a myth to me.

I think I need a life manager. Having to manage every action and decision is too much 😭 I can’t get myself out of bed, I can’t get myself to shower, I can barely get myself to eat or do work…and I need to make money now 🫠

I’m putting off therapy (and other things) because of money but maybe I need to take some Ls now to get some wins later…like how today I slept in (I slept at 8pm and woke up at 4am so I got 8 hours, but then at 4am I felt no pressure to do anything so I went back to sleep…until 3pm…) I basically just gave up the day, gave up getting any work done, and woke up only to let Jellybean out, eat, and leave for aerial. But I decided to just call a Lyft instead of rush myself for an hour commute, and give myself time to actually figure out what to teach. It cost me $30 though 😢 but I figured I’ll just eat the cost for a little less stress.

Sleeping in also kind of gave me some restrictions, which in a way was nice. I love freedom but I don’t think I can have too much of it. Since I slept in, I had to forgo getting any work done during the day, or even showering, it forced me to only do what was necessary in that time frame, which was eat, change, take jellybean out, and leave. When I have more time I get paralyzed thinking I have to finish all my work, shower, clean, go to the post office, and etc etc. There are too many options to choose from 🫥

There’s so much I need to unpack. All this adhd talk, with the decision paralysis, inability to prioritize, struggle with transitions, overwhelming emotions…idk how to turn this all around by myself.

[imtheworst-imsorry]

ya boy got tubed…

ngl it feels really weird, it doesn’t hurt per say but it does feel really weird in my nose and my throat, and i can feel it when i swallow. everyone here who has or has had one says that after a day or two your body stops constantly Noticing there’s a foreign body there and you stop feeling it as much, sorta reminds me of when i have my septum piercing out for a while and then put it back in and i spend a day or two going “there’s something In My Nose” and then i get used to it again and it’s fine. my left nostril is very drippy rn tho but that should also get better with time. i told the nurse who did it that i have a deviated septum and he was like “thanks for telling me bc that might make a difference in doing this” but it went fine so that’s good ig. honestly the other really annoying thing is the tape thing keeping it anchored on my face, idk if i’m gonna get more used to that or if it’ll be kinda constantly annoying, we’ll see, and i guess i’ll just take the tape off and reapply it when i need to shave, which is only like once a week so that’s ok

obv i’m not like, happy about it but i do think it was a smart decision on my team’s part, like i am really struggling rn and this will make sure that i get the nutrients i need while we work on the emotional stuff so i don’t just shut down or start crying during meals and snacks

in good news, the ipad and apple pencil and the case and screen protector i bought all came today, so i’ll have stuff to distract me this weekend, i’m gonna buy procreate bc i want to teach myself how to draw and just generally do more art, i bought it on my mom’s ipad a few years ago but i don’t get to use it very often bc she uses it for work, but i can airdrop the stuff i have on her ipad to mine once i get back home and then i can work on those more :)

[fortemelody]

did/does anyone else ever had like. weird fascinations with people. like i’m talking crushes ig but not in an emotional bond sense whatsoever and it’s where you just find someone *that* pretty and you just gawk at them

i’ve had this twice throughout my high school career so far. first time was this girl with purple hair and a lotta purple clothes. she was sitting near me but at a different table and i would glance at her like all the fucking time and idk how she didn’t notice cus holy shit it was like an obnoxious amount 😭

the second time was the more recent incident, it was this long blonde hair girl with a lot of really good eyeliner. i got over her much quicker and didn’t stare nearly as much but i still like followed her on insta during this time and kinda stalked her…

the funniest thing is. the first girl was a full on lesbian. the second was very straight. i didn’t even realize the second one was straight until the insta stalking occurred. and as a gender-fluid person uhm i’m basically fucked if someone isn’t bi or pan or unlabeled (not saying that lesbians can’t love non men- i’m just saying it’s rare at least in my school. also i did not want to get with them anyways i’m just stating that it would be extra impossible now and considering i’ve never even talked to either of them).

i find it funny as well that these were both girls. i’ve only ever seriously liked one girl in the sense that one was more a typical crush (but even then…i’m only like 90% sure of that cus i’m a weirdo and possibly arospec or just doubting myself idfk). like i did think this one guy was kinda hot and had a shocking glow up cus i went to elementary school with him and basically hadn’t seen him since then- but i think i got over the sentiment that he was conventionally attractive within like a week LMAO sorry men not today ig 💔

anyways uhhhhh ramble about my weird ways of perceiving attraction and being gay over sorry that was a lotta random mumbo jumbo now that i’m looking back at it 💀

[fnaf-girls-world]

im back. i have a lot i’ll try to update on throughout this month and whatevs. but i’ll give a little umph of it. i got a new number, and he’s so much better. it’s been 5 days and it already feels like it’s doing so good, it took like 5 weeks for that feeling to happen with the last guy. but moving on to todays topic. it’s about like me. my mom thinks i have something wrong with me now because i cried in front of her really bad. it was a whole sob session about idek what i was just crying about everything, my grades, lack of social skills, my personality and appearance and how I think they both suck, and etc. something i realize though is that i hate feeling things, i wanna pretend to feel happy because that keeps me content, having too many emotions at once makes me finally breakdown and i hate having those moments. crying like my life is over in front of someone is the worst for me. cause then i feel like they’ll pity me or always see me as weak, i want them to continue to look at me like i’m how i was before. even though yeah i finally maybe let out a true me but i hate that they know about it now. i wanna be like for real happy, idk even know how to describe it. even my psychology teacher sees something’s off wiht me. she literally asked me if i was okay and she keeps giving me these “r u ok” kind of looks, am i that obvious. can someone tell just by looking at me that my week has been off. one thing i just thought of that really initiated my idea to write this was that i hate being compared to someone. someone smart, pretty and nice? no, not that kind of comparing. when someone like my mom will say “you remind of your dad in that case” or “your personality is like yours dad rn” or “your literally your dad”. like i don’t dislike my dad and nothing is wrong with him it’s just that, her complaining all the time about he’s a bad person (she says i don’t agree) and he’s a manipulator and he’s annoying and gets on her nerves a lot really has me thinking. am i like that to you? your comparing me to someone who you seem to have something against. same thing with my best friend, she had this friend before me who had done her really wrong and both her and her mom always tell me that i remind them of her. like what, i didn’t do anything bad to you. why the hell am i being compared to your horrible ex best friend?? moving on from that tho and going back into my mental issues, i don’t think my mom wants to accept the fact that i most likely have something mentally wrong with me. she denies therapy and says i don’t have a real issue so it probably wouldn’t work and she doesn’t want me being prescribed with meds, but like if will really help me why not?? an update on the things she thinks i have, depression, ADHD and anxiety. she suffers from two out of the three (diagnosed and all) so she sees the similarities between me and her. she’s never really had an insanely traumatic experience either yet she’s prescribed. i just wanna get better. even if that means i could be lowkey a robot on meds but idc, i wanna be everything but sad and worried 24/7. and all the time i feel like i’m constantly in flight or fight like i need to defend myself all the time or i need to run from my problems and i don’t know how to control any of my worries it’s just so stressful. but i have to try yk? ig you’ll never know if you don’t try. well i gotta lock in, gotta do my homework. bye

(5/23/24, 7:33pm)