#idek LOL....so that less ppl see it?

[ca-suffit]

There is a debate on Twitter, about this photo of Santiago circulating with Eglee on his lap and someone asked artists to draw Loustat in this position.

What was my surprise to discover that 99% of the artists would represent Lestat sitting on Louis'... obviously each artist represents their own visions as they want but I don't know why in my head it seems so incorrect.

I know it's a bit cliché and I have to deconstruct myself from binary thinking but for me Louis is more female coded than Lestat, I have always seen Lestat as a representation of the patriarchy maybe I am wrong maybe I am too binary in my representation of the couple,Lestat = patriarch, Louis = mother and Claudia = the child in identity crisis?

the show itself has directly said / shown that lestat is the patriach, louis is the "housewife" and claudia is "the mistake." it's always worth examining ur own perspective but in this case, it comes directly from canon. there's even a quote somewhere from anne rice about her writing louis from a woman's perspective bcuz louis *was* her at the time she wrote it. so it's even book canon.

seeing lestat on louis' lap feels incorrect bcuz it *is* incorrect. we have had these arguments forever bcuz there's a divide in the fandom of ppl who see what the show is saying and ppl who want to pretend it's not there. they'll usually use arguments to scare ppl to taking their side too, like ur being antiblack if u think louis is feminine (literally not a real thing at all) or something about homophobia idek.

but when ppl make lestat this over the top, sassy, white gay caricature to louis'....blackness, rly? it isn't doing shit except softening lestat's traits that don't need to be softened and overlooking *all* of how louis is a black, gay man himself. it paints lestat in a less harmful and more easily digestible light and leaves louis as a black man stereotype.

ppl have not seen a black, gay man like louis before. lestat is seen as the only "real" gay rep a lot bcuz his whiteness gives him the ability to be more open about things than louis gets. his personality also enjoys that more. he at times "fits" what ppl are used to when they think of "gay man." that's only one version tho. louis expresses so much of his own identity as a gay man all the time, ppl just don't know how to see it. he acts like his own mother so often and has more biting commentary than lestat ever says, but ppl overlook all that bcuz lestat is white and does things more theatrically.

louis wants to be soft and vulnerable and cared for to a degree, but again ppl aren't used to seeing this from a black man. he's also built smaller than lestat. they intentionally had sam bulk up whereas jacob did not to place more emphasis on this too. louis struggles with eating as well, something not necessarily *only* a feminine thing at all but still largely viewed like that by a lot of ppl, especially in the role of a wife.

the reason ppl are more willing to start saying how louis started to act at times in the loumand relationship is "his real self" or whatever is bcuz that *is* what ppl want to believe. that *is* the antiblack male stereotype. ppl think he's hiding this person rather than the fact it's a coping mechanism and survival technique. it's not like u could *never* write a black man like this without it always being antiblack. there's ways to do it without being harmful. what makes the fandom's reaction to louis like this so antiblack is the fact that we've been shown over and over that that *is not* the real louis and yet ppl insist it is. they'll have a thousand headcanon explanations of why everyone else masks for whatever reason, even to excuse outright abuse, but louis doing anything "aggressive" is just.....typical louis. lol ok.

so ya. it feels incorrect bcuz it *is* incorrect. bcuz this is all a dynamic that is backed up so far by fanon only, and fanon that is hugely influenced by antiblackness.

as another comment on the end of this too, I see a lot of "gnc" comments around lestat just for having long hair, but where does anyone ever say this for armand? u see the ways fandom just hands shit to white characters for no reason. "I am she, she is me" is also seen as some kind of gender thing bcuz it's too icky to process that it's a rly colonizer ass line for the white, french guy to be saying. ppl use sexuality and gender to soften lestat all the time and then call u homophobic when u say anything otherwise. it's the same technique used over and over again to avoid criticism, u just pick a different focus each time (misogyny, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, etc). it's usually a white person thing but not always. this fandom has a lot of fans of colors saying awful shit and relying on scaring white fans with their identities to make it hold more weight. like "don't make louis feminine" came a lot from a black fan (showmey0urfangs) but what it rly stemmed from was her personal discomfort with mpreg fics lol.

[doctorodyssey]

no but encountering your dead wife's doppelganger is so beyond fucked up like ???? idek what i think eddie should have done instead bc how do you deal w that. historically repressing things has not worked out for eddie and anyone you try to explain it to w/o proof would think you are losing it. getting proof would probably require him interacting w kim regardless and it would probably end similarly bc eddie is unwell when it comes to shannon. how do you even approach a situation like that, it's like the universe laying a gauntlet down 😭😭😭

i have seen some ppl theorize that eddie is exaggerating how much she resembles shannon in his mind due to unresolved trauma, and i feel like they could go that route. @bichimney said in the tags of a post that maybe they'll start to make her look less & less like shannon as he starts to notice she is Not Shannon, and i think that would make a lot of sense.

alternatively, i could see a world where she really is shannon's doppelganger, and someone (the diaz parents? i hope not chris because i think it would be horrible and sad) recognizes this and comments on it and it blows up for eddie (it will definitely blow up for him either way to be clear). i know buck is gonna meet her so it could be him too (although if it were me and i'd only met her a couple times 5 years ago and she had completely different hair i would not recognize her but maybe buck will). and then my brain goes...why the FUCK are buck and eddie's storylines so connected this season...why is buck involved in the narrative around eddie cheating on his gf with his dead wife's doppelganger.....like why did we NEED a scene of him lying to buck specifically lol

BUT in terms of what eddie should do...i wish he would have broken up w marisol in 7x06 fkdfkslfksdl but it's too late for that so HE NEEDS TO CALL FRANK. AT THIS POINT LOL

[bright-and-burning]

best horny blogs recs?

alright im gonna slightly organize this. nsfw links/descriptions/idek man. you read the ask. you know where this is going

but TYPICALLY i just go on like. a blog from a few ones i have saved. or search, if you know what you're searching for lol. and then kind of click on blogs they reblog from? rather than having like a big list if that makes sense. also usually after i go thru one blog tumblr starts hitting me w insane "based on your likes" posts that are like. more one-off random inspo (sometimes turning into actual wip docs isnt that nuts) than like "blog recs" per se. that i am thinking abt starting a tag for (so ppl can block it fjodsaklfakldj. and so i can stop sending wren 14 posts while she's eating dinner.) but here's a) the blogs i was spamming wren with earlier (sorry wren. not really) and b) some i've recently come across/remember from recently

all of these r like. they may have lots of things on them including things u (general u) dont want to see i am sorry and also not going to list out everything u might encounter theyve got bios/pinned posts u can figure it out

the uh. more specific vibes for trying to unlock my ability to write recently have included... cyb3r-mutt, ur-favorite-puppyboy, knotfrotter, transed-my-gender, dr1ppingftmslvt, drippyboycunt (horrendous to put this all down on paper. i promise i am cooking something deranged up). these r all pretty heavy on puppy play and then probably also somno and intox but ymmv from blog to blog!

some other less puppy play oriented (fejdsajfaslk) blogs that i haven't visited super recently but that i have on hand include justasmallgirl, cervix-kisses, lovelypinkdoll ETA swirlingiris which i found while looking for the blog that disappeared and was like omg i know u... high likelihood of cnc, equally so of overstim and edging, possibly hypno?, probably breeding. AWFUL! to type that out im so sorry.

there's definitely more but um. this is already probably too many (and possibly too much of a window into my psyche)

[feuqueerfire]

Utsukushii Kare (S1, S2, Movie) Live Blogging

I can't believe I'm finally, finally, finally getting around to watching Season 2 and the movie (+ rewatching season 1).

I knew I liked this show well enough and the characters have stayed with me since watching it in 2022 but I didn't realize that Utsukushii Kare is pretty special because it's actually the very first live blogging post I did on this blog. It was February 2022 and now it's 2+ years later March 2024. Before then, I'd maybe tweet a thread of me watching but the tweets would be sparse because I didn't wanna spam people. I think I got the idea because I was writing so many Bad Buddy thoughts (also in Jan-Feb 2022) on my show tracking spreadsheet and that wasn't sustainable lol

Anyway, looking at these is making me remember that I'd been looking forward to season 2 from when I finished watching (from my live blogging ending thoughts) and had anticipated the release of it for months and months. Even more ridiculously, in my show tracking spreadsheet, the only thing I wrote for this show was a link to my live blogging and "If there was a sequel, I'd watch" bruh that's all I had to say and yet I'm finally watching the sequel 2 years later (while the sequel has been out for a year).

Anyway, enough chatter, I think I'm just delaying watching this show because I like season 1 and the characters so much and I'm just... nervous about my expectations.

Utsukushii Kare: Season 1

Probably won't be writing much because I already did the whole live blogging for this.

Also, it's weird that I haven't rewatched this? Why do I remember it so vividly if I haven't rewatched? I occasionally watch a bunch of tiktoks for the show and sometimes people mention it in podcasts, so maybe that's why? I was thinking maybe I'd watched reaction videos but nah, apparently I'd only watched that for 1 account back in April 2022. Once again, I continue to ramble instead of pressing play

Ep 1 (Mar 23)

Watched like 12 minutes before falling asleep

Ah, the fondness is coming back

Ep 2 (Mar 23)

Oh, the group going to Hira's house and the bike riding scene is here? in my head it was later

And the bike riding continues to be an incredible scene

Ep 3 (Apr 17)

Uhhh, I'm back after almost a month lol I think I wanted something much easier without complex dynamics at the time, so I'd watched Destiny Seeker instead

Oh, I'd forgotten about this tense scene after the contest

ahh the masturbation thing lolol

It bothers me that Kiyoi was nice again to those bully boys like why make good with them again? And when you're graduating no less?

that sudden kiss + pushing him hard enough that he falls to the ground + saying "see you again" before leaving really is just terrible and confusing lol

Ah, Hira really was always putting himself down and putting Kiyoi in a pedastal in these episodes + I remembered when somebody pointed out that in Hira's POV, there are many shots where Kiyoi is on elevated ground or taller/higher than Hira, so I noticed a lot of that in this ep

Ep 4 (Apr 17)

ack, the immediate 'stalker' to someone who ppl think is his fan is so T.T

"I want to kneel down at your feet right now" kills me every time

Koyoi's inability to communicate and Hira's idealized view of him are both so just . insane

ahh Kiyoi's POV from next ep

the episode starting with Hira saying "For several insipid years, all I did was grow up." while Kiyoi ends the episode with the same sentence

Ep 5 (Apr 17)

seeing Kiyoi lose his mind over Hira is so cathartic

ough, i forgot this hug that Kiyoi sees

I disliked the other guy more when I first watched it than I do now

Ep 6 (Apr 18)

Oops, went almost the whole day without watching anything

finger sucking scene

Ouch

the conversation at the school is just so good man, like ouch but hopeful

hehe cute biking

Overall:

Ahh, idek why I wasn't Gripped by this rewatch, like I like the characters and dynamics but it wasn't keeping my attention as much, maybe because it's a rewatch? Maybe my original rating of 6.5 was correct and I shouldn't have bumped it up to 7 but who knows, maybe I'll be reintroduced to the brainworms after watching Season 2 because I found ep 6 really engaging and was into it and S2 + movie will have new, unfamiliar stories for me.

Season 2

Ep 1 (Apr 18)

How soon after S1 is this season starting?

akkkk "Are you angry?" "Why?" "Last night I was too persistent" alkdjfasd;lkf

It's weird to realize that like... I'm older than them. I was several years older than them when they were in high school and now I'm probably 1-2 years older than them because Hira said graduation is approaching but it's weird still idk

not Mr. Suspicious lmfaoo

Hira kneeling and crawling around really is just a lot

it's so funny how Hira trembles in Kiyoi's presence because he's apparently standing too close, meanwhile we know for a fact that they canonically fuck

Hira's persistent fear that Kiyoi might die ?!

they're both so constipated in different ways, I'm dying like Hira's extreme lack of confidence about his looks and sense of self vs Kiyoi obviously being in love with him and wanting to reassure him but also not being able to compliment him truthfully and sincerely

Kiyoi's every sentence is a trap lmfao

omg I was so distracted by her, she's gorgeous and I love the outfit and jewelry

Kiyoi seething with jealousy ahh

lolol "today we're gonna do it"

oh my goddd what a good episode, I was giggling and dying and so engaged, I'm glad I love it so far because I was kinda nervous after not being as enamoured by S1

Ep 2 (Apr 19)

ah, i'm clutching my heart, flashback to the scene of when Hira taught Kiyoi about the tea olives or whatever and Kiyoi just desperately wanted Hira to say he likes him

return of Suspicious-kun plss

Is the other guy who's there for Anna gonna be significant? Either as an Anna s/o as well or as a Kiyoi hater maybe?

does Kiyoi want their love life to be more exciting?

aksldfj why are each of them so annoying like Koyoma's being like yeah Hira doesn't shut the fuck up about you and your drama at school while Kiyoi's like "Is Koyoma saying he sees a side of Hira I don't see? Is he trying to assert dominance?" like girl both hira and him are just dumbasses god bless

Koyoma on Kiyoi's ass for freeloading off of Hira and letting Hira do all the housework while he just pursues his acting or whatever ohh

pls Hira treating this shitty food as if it's from Olympus

Ah, Hira joining the photography competition at Kiyoi's encouragement (though the pressure would make me buckle)

Ep 3 (Apr 19)

Hira not making it to the next round of the competition but Kiyoi still being supportive, I needed to see this rn tbh

oh my god this is so sad man, they're literally always just on different lines of thinking because Kiyoi wants to be treated as an equal in the relationship while Hira thinks it would be an insult to think of himself as ever reaching Kiyoi's status

but it's so sad the way Kiyoi wants to obviously be known as Hira's bf (even though they can't) and the way he's hurting knowing that Hira wants Kiyoi and his parents to be completely separate owwww

omg? Hira saying I don't want to understand you? fucked up fr

Their relationship is often somewhat tragic because of their dynamic and how they see themselves and the fact that what they want from the relationship is different but this ep is so sad man

Ep 4 (Apr 19)

ah, good thing Kiyoi came back because they only have 1 episode of 23 mins left and i don't want the ending to be rushed lol

sorry accidentally got the ick when Kiyoi came and ordered Hira to get ginger ale in front of everybody even though ik it's like Dynamics but still why in front of dumbass bullies smhh

Hira not liking Kiyoi saying it's fine if he doesn't get a job after uni bc he can take care of them makes sense but then smiling happily when Kiyoi says "fine, then work like a workhorse and if you mess anything up for me I'll throw you away" is sooooo

huh? Why Hira didn't submit anything?

oh it's a different thing that Hira didn't submit for? Because he did indeed submit for the contest

woah, gasped at the fact that Hira is kneeling but at eye-level/slight higher than Kiyoi instead of lowering himself as much as possible

Hira being fed chocolate by Kiyoi, ah

great, delightful

Overall:

This season is about Hira and Kiyoi's relationship. They didn't become boring after getting together, they didn't magically end up being a perfect happy well-adjusted couple after getting together, nor were there random issues thrown just because; the struggles and hurdles are true to their characters and dynamics.

I was a bit afraid that I'd be meh about it because I was like fine but not Hooked on the S1 rewatch but the S2 was great, for real. I liked the themes and dynamics it explored and their character + relationship development and progression. I also smiled a lot and lost my mind a little at certain moments.

Strong writing, strong characters, strong acting, what a relief.

Rating: 7/10

Movie: Eternal

No clue what the movie is about actually, though there are a few gifsets/moments that I've seen that didn't appear in the series, so much be from here. + I saw one comment saying that Anna and Noguchi are supposed to be there more in the movie. oh also actually?? a kidnapping plot?? i heard it mentioned in a podcast i think

omg they're each recounting how they met the other to their own mentors

not the shrine ?!?! omg

I really don't know how to feel about Anna's fan like do we need to kill him or what?

what does Hira mean by him and Kiyoi drifting apart?

hah the divorce thing is here, I loved the gifset when I saw it and have had it in my likes for Months, gonna finally be able to reblog it

i think i saw a gifset or clip in this bathtub scene and I'm a great enjoyer of people discussing their desire for dubcon/cnc roleplay

Idk if I hate that I keep skipping all their makeouts/allusion to sex scenes like aghhh

I've also seen this part about hira apologizing for not having same free time as Kiyoi and Kiyoi grabbing his face in his hand to say stop apologizing, you've tried your best. i like it a lot

wait are Anna and Noguchi dating? I wanna know who the person Anna was talking about who has her heart but they can rarely meet because they're in the same industry. and it'd have the parallel of Hira wanting to photograph Kiyoi while Noguchi gets to photograph Anna

Noguchi used to be a scenario photographer?

ah, Hira didn't show up to the shoot with Noguchi and Kiyoi

pls why are they both obsessed with this award, he doesn't even have regular professional photography experience c'mon girls

oh, Anna's bf is some random actor from another company.

her fan is being... fine for now.

Aw, Anna

dang, they're bringing Anna to live with Hira's cousin

So does the aunt know that Hira and Kiyoi are like a thing or does she still think their fan/friend lol

Hira saying only Kiyoi is allowed to call him creepy and such because he's special + Kiyoi being like "he's creepy right?" Anna: "yeah" Kiyoi: Hey!

Ouch, yeah Hira saying he doesn't know what to shoot is crazy

Oof, Hira and Anna dating scandal

It must be so funny if you're watching this without knowing about EA celebrity dating culture (though even in SK, actors can date) and being like ? why is this a scandal ?

but i'm unexpectedly getting a celebrity-centric BL without seeking it out, which is great, esp bc when I seek it out I don't tend to find too many which actually give me what I want

random het sob story in the middle of my Utsukushii Kare but I like Anna so I'll allow it for like... 2 minutes

Ah, the kidnapping lol

oh it really is the Anna fan fuckhead aghhh how terrible, he's been off since the start

pls saviour Hira

Hira gets to photograph Kiyoi professionally yay

deciding to have one subject as your photo subject is crazy if you wanna be a professional but alright I'll buy into it

ah, conversation about beauty and age

gorgeous ending

Overall:

Great, fun, though not as emotionally invested as Season 2 because they're in a better place in their relationship in this movie (even if it's not necessarily Perfect). It was interesting to have new people in their lives like Anna and Noguchi and how their stories influenced them. I'm happy with where we're leaving off the characters after ~6h of show/movie.

Rating: 6.5/10

[star-sim]

oh wise vanya please help me apparently my year of dignity and male-lessness decided to spice things up and now i’m in a Dilemma!

a bit (a lot) of context: so around two and a half years ago there was this guy who liked me and then confessed to me, at the time i liked him a little too but i think it was mainly because i liked the idea of liking someone and someone liking me?? if that makes sense.

so he confessed to me one day and i was like “oh i like you too lol” because i literally did Not know what to do in that situation and then it was lowkey awk because we mutually avoided each other at school 💀 we were really young tho BUT THEN like a month and a half later he was said he didn’t like me anymore (HE SENT THAT OVER TEXT LMFAO…) and i responded with “okay” (i realized that i didn’t really like him at that point too so i was kind of relieved tbh) it wasn’t even a relationship because bffr we didn’t even hold hands so why was bro being all like “let’s break up 😐” like… were we ever even together be honest

it was VERY awkward after that like lmao we wouldn’t even make eye contact but then a few months later we became close friends because we were friends before (idek how atp); then he moved away during the summer because he was going to some boarding school & we still kept in contact up until last summer

he got a girlfriend in may of last year?? and ever since then i’d been VERY distant like i didn’t talk to him at ALL because i have to uphold the girl code… apparently he told his girlfriend about me though and i’ve heard from a mutual friend that she doesn’t like me that much and disliked me even more after she found out that he had a saved folder of me in his photos (that’s on him tho bc wtf 💀 that’s kind of a Red Flag of him)

anyways back to today… i opened my snapchat after 8263872 days of being dormant and apparently he texted me for the first time since JUNE three weeks ago and i unknowingly left him on sent 💀💀

now i could either: a) open his message because honestly i am morbidly curious or b) leave his message to marinate forever and leave him on sent indefinitely

which would be more girlboss because i am done w men irl 😐 send help pls

ASH!!!!

liking someone purely bc you like the idea of liking someone and them liking you back is SO REAL

UGHH he is so middle school boy love.... the "let's break up" over text when the most ygs did was probably look at each other.... pukes

youre such a girl's girl, youre SO realness for not talking to him for the sake of girl code... ugh im sorry controversial opinion it irks me when ppl are angry at their s/o's ex... like u didnt even do anything to her, is it a crime to exist. if anything, she should be mad at HIM??? like who is the one keeping pictures of their ex? not you, so why are you literally the subject of her anger. ever since new years i've been trying to tone down my d1 hater tendencies but ouuuu that makes me to annoyed on your behalf like LEAVE HER ALONE 😡

i say... open the message. see what this bitchass has to say. i'm also kinda curious too. whether or not you respond is up to you, but if youre worried about girl code, i don't see an issue? he's the one doing shady stuff, your entire existence is not tied to him and your actions are independent of him, if that's hard for him or his gf to see then they clearly aren't mature does it kill them to use critical thinking

but if you DO leave him on sent... it would be pretty funny

everyone ditch his ass he deserves no one!!!!!

[arpeggiated]

I think it’s just another sign that I’m getting old(er), but I can’t believe that more than half of 2017 has already gone by...? I feel like time moves so slowly when I’m counting days and weeks, but the months pass by while I blink.

Summer school is kicking my ass lol. I’m supposed to be studying rn, but I ended up reminiscing on my yr so far. And what’s a walk down memory lane w/o a nostalgic Tumblr post? (Sorry lmao I get really rambly when I’m sleep-deprived... But also, this is me tryna document my life more, so why not?)

Anyways. Some highlights of my year so far:

It took...maybe 5-6+ yrs of paperwork but my Bà Ngoại (maternal grandmother) finally immigrated to the U.S. ☺☺ I have so many cousins on my mom’s side of the family, and we’re all over the place in terms of age, so our schedules are pretty diff but we do try to make time for her when we can. This yr was filled w/so many “firsts” for her and for us. First Christmas in the states w/her, first Lunar New Year, first Easter, first Fourth of July... One of the first (and worst) outings we took our grandma on was a trip to the botanical gardens, and it was still so, so cold from the winter, and all the foliage was dead. So not only did we probably bore Bà to death, we also got her sick. But idk, we went out to eat afterwards and basically spent the whole day together...--I guess I’d just like to think that she still enjoyed it.

I finally started school full-time again this spring, and it was exhausting, but...(mostly) in a good way? School is always gonna stress me out, but idk. I just wanna somehow find a way to derive motivation from my failures instead of being...overwhelmingly debilitated by them. Instead of being so hard on myself for even the slightest shortcomings. I want to find a way to be inspired by my progress, too, instead of brushing it off as s/t that just “should be.”--It’s unlike me to sound so...optimistic, but I guess I'm just tryna say that even if my victories are small, they’re victories nonetheless, and I should celebrate them.

I initially wanted to quit work but ended up just taking on a diff role in the office. And regardless of how I feel abt the actual job, I’m kinda proud of myself for being able to balance work/school although I kinda wanna try working more this upcoming semester...?

I tried to work on my life balance too. But idk, my life is boring in general though lol. Tbh I prioritized “fun” after school, family, and work, so I wasn’t always consistent, but I did try at times.

I made time for friends when I could (although, admittedly, I have lots of room for improvement).

Went to Vegas...which isn’t like me at all lol, who am I? (But 10/10 would do it again LOL.)

I think my “summer break” lasted 2 weeks. The most exciting thing I did was go on a mini road trip to Austin for Michelle’s birthday lol.

Finally got my navel re-pierced lol.

You know, I’ve been in a slump for a while but I think reflecting on the high points of my yr made me realize that, even though it was hard, 2017 wasn’t...completely shitty...? So, maybe I will try to do this again. See y’all in December. ☺😉

[loverdlx]

ok but also now that I’m thinking abt it like can everyone also just chill out abt clowning on albums they don’t personally like/love (which is usually communicated as “this album is objectively bad/worse than the others!” like I said in my tags in the post I just reblogged) bc liking/loving an album can have everything but also nothing to do with ~objective quality~ of the album. I love lover bc I have a lot of happy, personal memories associated with it from the time it came out, not bc I think it’s The Best Album Or The Only Album To Exist™️ or whatever y’all like to yell abt your favs like...idk just can everyone chill out and stop fighting over albums every 2 seconds and putting down ppl’s comfort albums lmao

[shortpplfedup]

I feel like ppl can be a bit hard on pran when it comes to his passiveness(? idek if thats the right word for it) in the relationship. Like idk if it's just me, but if i were him i would probably be just as reluctant, even without the parent situation. Pat is a boy he's been in love w for so long. And he's kinda confusing w his behaviour towards pran, and the just friends song expresses that. "This isn't what a friend would say/do"- the guitar pick, the dimple thing, all those small gestures. But whenever he got his hopes up, he would always crash(that ep 4 self depricating smile after he cried reads like that to me, like he feels stupid for even thinking there was a chance). And obv it's not pat's fault, he's a sweetheart, idt he realized that those actions are romantic, or that he realized the reason he was doing those things wasn't just friendly. But imo pran has come to associate loving him w yearning and heartbreak after all these yrs.

Anyways im not sure where im going w this, but i just don't think i can fault pran for being so reluctant, bc ik if i was in his shoes i would have just as many fears, not only about the family stuff, but also about pat's feelings. Bc it must feel kinda surreal to pran that this is actually happening and he's not alone in love anymore

I GET Pran, yunno (my Virgo son...lol). Loving quietly and maybe a bit less demonstratively is still love. And he does have all these fears and insecurities when it comes to Pat separate and apart from the big issue of the parents. That word 'surreal'...yeah, big time. This shift from heartbreak to his wildest dreams not just coming true, but maybe being even better than he could have imagined is kind of overwhelming I'm sure. The instinct must be not to trust it, to brace himself for the rug pull. It might look like Pat is doing more, giving more, but that's not it at all. Pran is giving everything he can because he does want so much to believe. Him realising that he could hurt Pat like Pat could hurt him was a big turning point in terms of him believing this is all real, that Pat really feels for him. And now that he does believe, now that the trust is absolute, I think we'll see a different side of him.

[jooniely]

svsss thoughts lol

i posted this on twitter but wanted to post it here too cuz ppl here love to discuss and will actually read this maybe and i would love to discuss things cuz that way i get to see things in a new light

so here it goes, my messy thoughts months after finishing svsss main story but not the extras:

thought about how shen jiu and bingge are parallels of each other and illustrate how cycles of abuse work, and how both suffered and made others suffer, and ultimately lost everything they ever wanted and worked for in their lives and now im sad

i dont think theres a lot of fics that explore how similar their characters are. its also odd to me that there are fics that paint bingge as being okay while sj is irredeemable and scum. i had a lot of issues and was upset about the potentials of svsss that were not met

thankfully i was not the only one & i was able to find very few fics that delved into things svsss ignored. i appreciate how mxtx writes her stories as realistically as possible cuz she loves to write about how ppl judge without knowing everything. its a common theme in her works

it works well in tgcf and mdzs but to me it ends up being frustrating in svsss. it works well in tgcf cuz we still see the whole picture so we dont miss anything, its the same with mdzs but with some restrictions ex/ mxy and how we only know him thru rumours

and given the false rumours that we saw with wwx we can guess how false the rumours about mxy were as well. someone also wrote about this lack of closure or knowledge for both the characters and readers and how it works well with the themes of the novel but i cant find it lol

that being said, this style, although perfect for her other 2 novels, it falls short imo with svsss. now im admitting that i have yet to read the extras so maybe these things were answered there but there are major characters that we just dont get much about

my complaint here is 100% not critical lol, its personal, i wanted more info more screen time for characters like shen jiu given how important he is but we never got that. our narrator is so unreliable we cant trust him on anything (imo that takes away from the reading pleasure)

sy 100% believes everything from PIDW when it comes to lbh and sj and with lbh it causes so many issues that could have been avoided, this is not a complaint, this is part of the story and theme. but it leaves me frustrated especially since with the other 2 stories the reader gets to get out of the narrator's head or can see to an extent the flawed judgemental way of thinking and how it was wrong. with svsss we dont really get that? maybe cuz i never realized our narrator is extremely unreliable, idk. tbh idek how to explain

idk how to explain properly cuz my thoughts about it are messy. like random thought i re-remembered: the lack of reaction to sj just up and disappearing. sy never realizing the ppl around him are ppl and not just fictional characters. sy not caring about the person who's life he had to live. from the lack of background on sy himself we as a fandom assumed he had absent parents and died alone and thats why he never cared about his old life, no mourning or grief. he easily gets accustomed to life without almost everything old teens/young adults live with. no reaction to the amount of violence and death around him. its one thing to read about but another to live thru. from our assumed old life about him, he should have been very sheltered

the more i think about it the more i see things that frustrate me cuz the potential was so high &honestly if mxtx took a crack at it now with her improved skills, it would reach the popularity levels of her other novels. but oh well i guess thats why we have fanfic lol

there are other things that i just didnt like at all, like that assault scene or how it ended with them apparently just leaving everything behind? and how i can literally list the red flags in their relationship (and i have listed them in a previous svsss rants/thoughts post on here when i hadnt yet finished the novel) but i attribute this to just idk, i like to ignore it, its not great

this is all over the place but if you read this, then i welcome any response just be nice pls lol, i had to block some ppl from my last post cuz they were being mean and rude and honestly that just makes me upset and less likely to enjoy the content you may be rudely defending. despite my criticisms of svsss i still love reading fanfics about it cuz i see the potential and see some writers who are angels and write some amazing svsss fics that fulfill the potential.

[shorkbrian]

Yoooooooo idk if youve done this before buuuuut im always thorsty for alien!readers :))) but could you do an alien!reader with anyone or all of fdom the bakusquad. Cant get enough from themmmm

Bro I’ve been sitting on this FOREVER cause like??? alien reader is such a broad request. Like - what kind of alien? Idek.

So I’m just gonna say that reader is similar to Mina (except instead of acid, it’s sweet smelling liquid that turns into a vapor after a second - calms people down), and took Mina’s place in class 1-A.

(Warnings - NSFW, noncon, reader is intersex. Intersex peeps have a rough time, and ik a lot of questions are ALWAYS asked and people are so invasive and rude, and I’m so, so sorry. Like bruh it’s just another way of having a body... pls do not make it into something it is not. Poor reader takes the blame for the noncon, lots of self-deprecation bc intersex ppl get told a lot that they're “alien” or that they’re different and that's bad - Which it so totally is not!!! Differences are cool!! Anyways, read at your own discretion y’all)

Now, in their society, everyone is used to quirk manifestations creating... interesting-looking physical features. You have some people sporting wings, others with textured skin, some are even literal animals.

So reader really isn’t that unusual.... except their quirk makes them popular with teachers and students. Stressed for finals? Go to reader. Can’t make your students chill? Ask reader to stop by. Reader’s quirk makes everyone calm, loopy, less angry and vicious.

When they get into UA, everyone’s curious about how it feels, curious about the kid that would’ve probably been better suited in class B or in a support class. 

The bakusquad is especially intrigued, because the applications of reader’s quirk could be awesome for a little problem of theirs that screams and yells and destroys things. 

So at the beginning of the semester, reader hears a couple knocks at their door, opens it only to have the bakusquad practically fall inside, complete with a very irate Bakugou.

Denki and Sero propose the idea that reader uses their quirk, helps everyone calm down a bit (we all know Sero’s a stoner, he’s here for the feeling lol). Reader makes sure everybody is down with it, even Kirishima and Bakugou, and when the other two boys nod, reader agrees. 

The air in the room would instantly turn sickly-sweet as liquid oozed from reader’s skin, quickly evaporating into a vapor. The affect was almost instantaneous - shoulders sagging, muscles relaxing, soft smiles playing against faces.

Usually reader wears a masks so their quirk doesn’t effect them, but here, in the safety of the dorms? it’s not needed. They get just as relaxed and loopy as the group squished into the small room.

But apparently, relaxing isn’t the best idea. 

Some people get so relaxed that their inhibitions disappear, similar to alcohol, just without the loss of fine motor control. Denki is one of those people. He sidles up next to reader, runs his hands over their shoulders until he’s pressed against their side. He leans in close, giggles into their ear about how calm he feels right now, how useful their quirk is. 

He’s naturally flirty, so it’s not alarming when he starts like, stroking their hair, holding their hand, practically falling into their lap, complimenting them the entire time, shooting off rapid-fire pick-up-lines like it’s his job. Sero, Kirishima, and Bakugou are lazing in the background, watching the blond drape himself over you.

The pick-up lines devolve into lewd questions, Denki asking what your bodycount is, have you ever blown someone, what's your favorite position? This is a safe environment, and your relaxed, so you don’t mind answering.

Even when he asks what you look like “down there”.

It’s a semi-common question. A lot of people wonder if the pink color of your skin extends to your genitals, if your pubes are pink as well. Your body is alien, do you even have genitals? What kind? Are you a boy? Or a girl? It’s easy to laugh and brush off these invasive questions.

But it’s not that big of a deal here, especially since you’re trying to make friends. You answer the question easily - yes, you’re pink down there, even your pubes. When Sero pipes up and pushes for what exactly you have down there, you shrug - It’s not that big of a deal; you have both.

Kirishima asks to see.

That’s a little weird, so you decline, but Denki whines and pouts, says that it isn’t fair you’re being such a cute little tease, they’re just curious! They’ve all seen each other’s dicks already, it’s the same thing! You aren’t convinced, but your quirk keeps everybody calm, doesn’t let the situation escalate.

Except it does.

Bakugou is relaxed, not yelling, not angry, but still demanding. He tells you to get on your back, and you do, entirely submissive in your relaxed state. You squirm and try to stop him (Bro, that’s weird dude - He��shouldn’t be trying to strip you) as the blonde moves to take off your pants, but he casually tells Denki and Sero to hold down your arms, so they do.

The atmosphere is still relaxed, calming, casual, but you feel a tiny nudge of unease in your stomach. The ease with which your quirk pushes that down is extraordinary.

Then Bakugou and Kirishima are looking at you, hands smoothing down your stomach, over your dick, stopping to cradle your pussy. Your squirm. Sero wolf-whistles at what he can see from his position holding down your arm, and you can feel Denki starting to harden from where he’s kneeling across your arm, crotch pushed close to your shoulder.

But everything fine, there’s no trouble. 

Your sweet-smelling quirk batters down your inhibitions and discomfort again.

It’s not long before Bakugou is jerking you off, grinning up at you, while Kirishima is fingering you open, focused on your lower lips as he runs his fingers through them before plunging them inside of you.

The dual stimulation feels good, but this is weird, and you distantly know that without the calming effects of your quirk, this would be bad, and you’d be screaming and thrashing. But Denki’s moving off of your arm, grabbing your hand and guiding it to rub against him in his pants. Sero’s unbuckling his belt, getting his dick out and cooing at you to open your mouth. You go to shake your head, but he laughs, just gives you a light pat across the face, insists that this isn’t weird, you all have dicks, and none of them are gay, don’t worry.

Somehow, his dick ends up in your mouth, choking you.

This is wrong, this is assault, they shouldn’t be touching you, you don’t want them to.

But there’s four of them, and only one of you.

You can only pump more of your quirk in the air to keep yourself calm, listen to the boys discuss your “alien” body as they touch and fondle and explore, occasionally stopping to ask you how something feels. It feels bad.

Eventually, they end up fucking you, taking turns in your pussy, stroking your dick. Sero even tries docking his dick against yours. It feels weirdly good. Kirishima asks if you’re able to get pregnant while he’s thrusting inside, whoops when you tell him you can’t. He cums inside.

Someone suggests taking your ass too, but Bakugou disregards that idea. He seems like he’s the ringleader. You’re pretty sure you don’t want to be friends with them after this. But is it their fault? You’re the one who lowered their inhibitions, you’re the one who made them curious about your body. 

It’s your fault.

so you lay there and take it, let them move you into different positions as they laugh and joke above you.

They get tired of exploring eventually, leave you with cum dripping out of your body, all sticky and sweaty. You’re calm.

You keep your quirk going until you manage to head to the showers, to wash every inch of yourself. You keep your quirk going as you clean up your room, stripping the sheets, washing everything, sanitizing everything. You even move your bed, away from the door and into a corner.

Keeping your quirk active isn’t possible for ever, but you’re going to push it until your body gives out.

Being “different�� is never a good thing.

[sotorubio]

Oh thank god for your post about activism. Framing the weed thing as peak anti authority action is what’s cringy, but getting caught with weed and wanting it back is just being a normal dumb teenager. And the fandom’s takes on stealing 😒 we get it, ur a narc. Again it’s the robin of the hood part that’s cringe and performative, not stealing, which isn’t inherently bad to do (labelling acts of stealing as justified vs unjustified IMO can be a slippery slope), and tbh I think some people are getting a little too close to saying the period cause itself is cringe and peak white feminism when again, that’s not the problem bc period taxes ARE bad and its not white feminism to fight against them. the issue is how the show and Lou are approaching it. Where’s Marxist Eliot meme when you need him lol

HELL YEAH MARXIST ELIOTT MEME PART 105

also omfg thank u so much for actually understanding exactly what i mean like i didn't even wanna tag that post bc i knooooooooww a lot of these ppl will refuse to spend two seconds trying to read the post & just get mad.

bc this exactly. so much this. bc like i said i barely see the actual criticism that should be there n instead the hot takes boil down to "stealing BAD!" or "liking drugs? evil and unethical". like... ppl were already yelling abt how the weed stealing is yet another instance of performative activism/white feminism (i'm still not sure what abt weed makes it inherently feminist but alright) before the chat w mailin's annoying comments dropped. so it's like.. yeah is it shitty that the thing was framed as some sort of anti-authoritarian rebellion act when in reality it was just abt weed? yes. but half of y'all were already mad abt the weed stuff alone w/o knowing mailin's noble quest which is the part that makes me uncomfortable. like u do realize the bad thing isn't "fucking w the system" the bad thing is the fact that mailin thinks "the system" is like. high school teachers. that's what's embarrassing, not stealing drugs.

n if we wanted to make a point abt white feminism aside from mailin's comment we'd point out this stunt completely erased allllll the examples from s5/6 that showed who can get away w less consequences and who r at risk of getting a harsher treatment. but that's a point i've only seen a few smart ppl make, the rest is just "teens stealing weed n partying at school means they are trying to be activists but failing" bc idek why

same w the tampon stealing like yes it did turn into a white feminist stunt but only bc lou was filming it n turning herself into some sort of hero on social media n then the whole robin of the hood shit. i don't wanna fully get into it here bc i already talked in length abt what was the issue w it n what should not be an issue at all. the dozens of comments that only regarded robin of the hood/filming as smth Additional to an already immoral thing was... concerning to say the least. exactly bc of ur point: labeling acts of stealing as justified vs unjustified is a slippery slope. for example all the "the stealing would've been okay BUT bc their friend works there it was horrible!!!" dude it doesn't matter if it's a multimillion store chain run by robots or ur own grandmother's boutique, stealing is stealing n u either don't moralize any of it or u condemn all of it. simple as that. (not to mention the whole "workers are punished for stolen stuff" is just a myth n illegal in most countries, admittedly not that familiar w german labor laws but neither are y'all that much i know for sure, didn't seem like constantin was working security there lol 🤷‍♀️)

ranty i know but ive been trying not to complain abt this for soooo long bc it's like. the criticism that they DO receive abt the ACCURATE flaws is 100% justified n for example calling the Robin of the hood thing performative/white feminism isn't wrong if u actually talk abt the things that made it such. in fact that sorta discussion is very much needed. but a bunch of these ppl will have be gay do crime in their bio n then go "Hmmm stealing is bad bc *buzzword* and *literally center-right political views but with leftist language* so we shouldn't support this, also mailin is a performative activist" likeeee sorry to say but you r the one starting to sound performative bestie!

also bc this is already long so it doesn't even matter to add: 100% w you abt the tampons like that could've been a Very important topic to talk abt but they had to ruin it w the robin of the hood bit, guess we can't have nice things. (tho i do get how menstruation activism on TV can very easily be a descent into white feminism when it's framed as a women's issue but this season is literally abt a trans person so it would've been easy to discuss it w/o making it cis-centric)

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

I’m sorry but “got bored and decided to attempt to face reality” is such a big fucking mood bro wtf

Got bored and decided to attempt to face reality but now panic is setting in and I’m pre-regretting messages I haven’t even sent yet.

[bleachbleachbleach]

HELLO.

I just wanted to say that I love, love, love your tags on that character/tool post a lot! Some of my favorite shows/books involve characters that can't keep it together and just barely make it to the end of the story or make it there in an "inconvenient way" and tbh I find that usually the narratives that follow these characters don't really work away from them either--the narrative is just usually more questioning instead of fully formed.

Like, 'what if/how would', y'know? There's less of a clear meaning and more just 'what if they hadn't done that. what if they had done that. what if all that meant nothing. what if that struggle was all there was'.

But oh boy, when they DO work away from the narrative. *chefs kiss*

I mean, most of my favorite Bleach characters are narrative nightmares who either hinder or cut off lines of theme in the story entirely. And, in general, I think there are A LOT of characters in shonen--a genre known for very long narratives that can't possibly complete every thought but also can't just abandon all those characters introduced ESPECIALLY the fan favorites or personal favorites--work in the way you described.

Tbh i think your tags really highlight why so many ppl get drawn to these characters/why they're so fun to play with in fanfiction.

If you have more to add or more thoughts about this you want to lay down I am here, eagerly awaiting and ready to pick them up.

Also, who do you think in Bleach is the most fun characters who sort of drop kicked the story, in your opinion? Who's the one you like the most? And who's the one you dislike the most?

[For posterity the referenced post is this one.]

Aww, thank you! That’s really lovely to hear. I was anxious about even putting it in tags because I don’t think I presently have the capacity to explain it well—and even if I did might still sound bananas to many. Or at least the bit about negotiating with characters and how *they* feel about being subjects in stories. Because as much as that really is my practice saying it out loud takes me back to like… FFN in 2003 where every store was prefaced by extensive chat-form back-and-forths between the fic author and their character "musies" and that is not something I think fandom would benefit from bringing back in force, hahaha. But anyway.

Here’s the part where I disappoint because I don’t think I actually know Bleach well enough to speak to it in this context. WHICH SOUNDS DUMB EVEN AS I TYPE IT BECAUSE LOL WTF IS THE NAME OF THIS BLOG WE ARE CHARLATANS AND POSERS FOR CLAIMING AS OUR NAMESAKE NOT ONE BLEACH BUT THREE BLEACHES but truly, my experience of Bleach has a shallow depth of field. I feel like I have weirdly intimate knowledge of some severe rabbit holes but a non-existent to uneasy sense of the gestalt.

Like idek man, in my "slow re-read where I am actually paying attention" Ichigo hasn’t even met Byakuya and Renji yet. ToT

I'm gonna put this behind a cut because it spidered all over the place, but in summary:

characters and their capacity to produce narrative failure

the charm of longform serialized series and their invitations to imagine stuff

me attempting to talk about Hitsugaya and feeling a fool, as usual

I guess in general terms, I’m really interested in characters and their capacity to produce narrative failure. Not failure as in 'bad' but failure as in things that break form or are circuitous or are actively detrimental to a narrative arc. All my strongest examples of what I’m thinking of are from a different fandom and therefore not relevant to this blog, alas. By comparison I think anyone in Bleach can keep it together better than the characters that are immediately coming to mind, lol. But I think this idea dovetails often with trauma narratives, or depression narratives, because these things are often… non-narrative? Like, there’s no fourth or fifth for minor fall or major lift. Sometimes it’s the same thing over and over again, or maybe nothing. Maybe it’s the exact same self-sabotage narrative dictates could have been avoided. Maybe it’s some act that emanates forth but cannot be explained because it cannot be explained and will never be explained. That’s a version of what I’m talking about, in any case, though not the only version.

Your note about longform shounen definitely resonates with me, too. In my mind I don’t like long things and I prefer series that are more self-contained but whenever I have ever landed in a long-term fandom, with a piece of media I felt obliged to carve out chunks of my life for, and to interact with at that level of creative fannishness, it’s always been something stupid long and serialized by the seat of its pants. I know plot holes or dropped threads bother a lot of people (makes total sense, don’t get me wrong) but I find these things incredibly attractive. I see them as invitations to join in the fun. Especially when it’s so much a part of the form and genre to have this, as you said, lack of real expectation that every thread will be followed to its conclusion (or that it would be worthwhile to do so) and every thought completed.

There’s this piece by David Grann that was published in The New Yorker in 2004 that I really love that speaks to part of this idea, albeit in terms of fictional universes versus fictional characters. But Grann is talking about Sherlock Holmes (Doyle original) and the ways that Sherlockians would like, approach apparent lapses in narrative and then solve them according to the established rules of the universe. I just love that. There’s also the line, "Never had so much been written by so many for so few," which LOL if that ain’t fandom I don’t know what is!!

I feel like I’m actually talking about three distinct but related facets of these thoughts in this post, except all at once and without clear transition, uhhhhh.

Gah, I am broken and now can ONLY think of examples from my not-Bleach fandom, but to try a different tack and add yet another facet to this already funhouse-mirror post, my various attempts to write Hitsugaya often feel like they come up against a version of this. I think Hitsugaya has aggressive side character energy, and I find it difficult to make him the center of a story and have it feel right to me. He feels different to me than writing other minor characters, where they can be the center of their own stories even if their story is not the main story. Like, two of my fave characters in my other fandom have literally like… three lines in 350+ episodes and it feels easier to imagine THEM at the center of their story and I think what it comes down to is that Hitsugaya probably prefers what he not be written. And when he does become more narrative I think he’d prefer that none of it was happening in the fist place. But at the same time he always seems to be…around??? whether there is really a good reason for him to be present or not. XD So while, say, he and Bartleby "would prefer not to" (because THAT'S what this post needs, a Melville reference), Bartleby actually opts out and Hitsugaya out here volunteering.

He also often feels non-narrative to me because he feels very declarative, if that makes sense? Like, the coming-to-decisions or coming-to-realizations parts of existence happen pretty quick, or are approached perfunctorily. I feel like I find narrative in the "coming" part of that equation and instead Hitsugaya will be like, well, I’ve already done that part without you, and/or plan to do that part in the future and it will still be without you, the audience. Anyway, here’s the determination I’ve made, here’s what I’m going to do, and here begins the long and probably tedious process of my doing that thing (off 2 go train in a cave for a bit). I don’t think he actually believes the world is that simple, Tab A into Slot B, but I do think he’s already made that assessment and can see coming to terms with that as a horizon, if that makes sense. So even if he doesn’t know the answer to something, or is completely at a loss of what to do (what to say to Hinamori? how to productively address the number Aizen’s done on him) there’s still not necessarily a story there. Maybe the answer is you grind, and it is repetitive and boring. Maybe you just hold things. There’s not even the act of learning how to hold things, necessarily, just the practice of doing so.

Wow, that probably doesn’t sound good! I feel like I need to suffix this with the assurance that Hitsugaya is my absolute runaway character in the whole series and this was true 15 years ago and it is still true now (truer, even) and everything I just said are reasons why I love him.

[tartagliaxx]

first off, hello 🤷‍♀️ anon! sorry i missed you out

and secondly, dw, marius is my favourite too lol, he reminds me a lot of my younger cousin who i lived with when i was younger. i was always the one who took care of him and marius calling me older sister just set off so much memories of my childhood. the both of them are also vv similar in personality, attention seeking, playful and artistic so i always see him whenever i look at marius.

artem is probably my second favourite ngl, ever since i read his ssr where he was jealous and got drunk (what a good combination lmao) i just grew so soft for him. at the end of the day, he's just a vv soft sweetheart who's insecure that we'll leave him :(( i have like 3 ssrs at lvl36, two of them are artem cards and the other is luke. i vibe with luke too bc i love the childhood friends trope, it's top tier. and as for vyn... i have vv mixed feelings abt him. i feel like he could so easily see through me if he was real and i'm just like, how about no. he's rlly pretty though, like rlly pretty.

*major spoilers*

and you've finished the archon quests!!! personally, i feel like the ending felt a bit rushed(?). it's weird bc i thought the resistance war against the raiden shogun was supposed to be the center of the story, but it just devolved to us helping yae with the entire war being swept to the side. and i already knew somebody was gonna die, and as soon as i saw that teppei had become the captain, i just knew.

it's interesting bc i would love to explore what happened to la signora and scaramouche to make them so disregarding of human life. like, i don't like them, but i want to understand their minds. it's sad to read signora's artifact's background honestly. and the fact that her crown said she used to be called rosalyne, that she had perhaps once led a more innocent and naive existence. i dunno, to me it seems like a good ending for her honestly, she had already lost herself after her lover's death and brings pain to many others, i don't think she can rlly return to being her again.

and honestly, a lot of people are talking abt scaramouche not telling signora he already had the gnosis and saying that he orchestrated her death, i don't rlly think so. i feel like he's just that apathetic to human life, even if it's someone that stands on his side, he just doesn't care enough. it also says how he never got along with anyone, not even his fellow harbingers, so i don't know why ppl expect him to seek out someone he doesn't like just to warn her of danger.

i vibe with scaramouche and la signora as the antagonists bc they're good antagonists, but as characters, well. other than the fact that they're pretty, they have like one likeable trait and that is their loyalty. they would do anything for the tsaritsa even if it cost them their life. i'm rlly excited to see what the tsaritsa has in store for us in the future.

considering our sibling is nicknamed 'the prince/princess', i wonder if there's gonna be a day where we're gonna have to go toe to toe with them. if we had them backed them into a corner with no way out, i wonder if they would kill us. it would be an interesting twist if we could actually die, but i feel like the protagonist halo will prevent it lol and i'm sorry bc god, this is so long.

— r. anon

marius. that’s the tweet. man,, you dont realize how in love i am w him?? like,, this man was literally my only hope when i fell horribly sick. i cant w myself now that i’m hearing it w my own voice. it must be nice to remember the good ol’ days… i despise my cousins and i dont have siblings so i dont really have that sort of connection w him. to me, his onee-san is just a joke? a petname? idk but it simultaneously makes me so mad and giddy just like childe’s existence does

i like vyn bc his vibes are sus but at the same time, he’s cares abt our mental health 🥺👉👈 no one’s ever said shit like that to me… jokes aside, luke is seriously threatening his spot bc of his blushing bs like pls 🤲 i’m so weak for that shit give me more. artem makes me soft too like,, he keeps mentioning that he trusts us and he’s just…. HE’S A BIG TEDDY BEAR THAT BLUSHES AT LIKE ACCIDENTAL HAND BRUSHES GRRRR. in conclusion, i love them all.

but man,, give me ssr luck… literally, im in pain…

now that the excitement’s worn off, i can now judge things properly. i think that… the pacing is horrible. like the plot is good, genuinely, but there’s just,, so much to explore abt this. if you think abt it, this is the climax and yet we didnt get much. scratch that. we got a lot but it’s all underdeveloped that it felt like nothing. we go to sangonimiya, got promoted, became captain for like, one sec before we are sent onto an investigation that didnt really produce any results bc app teppei alr knows everything? and then the delusion thing is a good plot point but it’s not really explored? just… a lot of things are left unexplored and i think that story wise, a lot of the possible lore explanations went down the drain. it would’ve been nice if we saw more abt the rebellion and if we had gotten to know whats the real deal w the commissions but eh… idk… i would’ve rather done more quests abt this whole storyline than like… do that whole dance w the three people who lost their vision in 2.0.

if im going to be honest, la signora is such a wasted character. like maybe her death was just for the shock factor or maybe it’s to prepare us for more harbinger encounters in the future.. idk but she’s such a good character from what we’ve seen but we know jack shit abt her and her motives. we know a little from the artifact set but beyond that, what do we have?

precisely! that’s how i feel abt this whole thing when we’re talking seriously. like w ei, i dont really agree w whatever they’re doing but i want to understand why they do the things that they do. everything has a reason and their psychology is just interesting to me.

i think scaramouche’s nature makes it easy for him to disregard human life. call it arrogance or whatever but ultimately, he’s seeing himself as smth above all these people bc he’s more or less capable of standing toe to toe w a god. why should he bother telling signora? it’s not like he gains anything if he does. i think that when he got the gnosis, he’s just ‘well she dies if she dies. who cares abt that? i dont have any need for incompetent colleagues anw’ i agree and i dont think he orchestrated her death but at the same time, he just allowed it to happen too.

as for signora, i’m actually surprised? for the most part, i think that the harbingers took their posts for selfish reasons. for scara, it’s to entertain himself and pass time. for childe, it’s to fight and grow stronger. for dottore, it’s to conduct dubious research w/o anyone stopping him. i expected signora to have some similar motive like power or money but it seems like she does actually believe in the tsaritsa? it would be very intriguing if signora’s main motive in becoming a harbinger is simply bc she is loyal to the tsaritsa and her will. bc in contrast, i think scara and dottore are more loyal to the fact that the tsaritsa can give them what they want, not bc they actually like her. actually, idek if they’re willing to die for her lol. like i wouldnt be surprised if they suddenly abandon post in a life or death situation but who knows…

in any case, they are very good antagonists. i like yo think that the tsaritsa isnt as bad as the game portrays her to be… of all the gods, she’s the one im looking forward to the most but… haha… what version would that be….

i’m almost certain that they’ll make us fight our twin maybe before we face the unknown god? if one of them dies, i would be very sad. like legit. but knowing mhy, well, our twin is almost 100% a walking death flag.

anw i’m shutting up rn— i also spoke too much kahdjabdhakbsjansb—

[teddybeckham]

charles melton, cis male, he/him, silver hey have you seen TEDDY BECKHAM ? HE let me borrow his PAINT BRUSHES . oh, you know them! they’re 27 and they’ve been at Roy G. for THREE YEARS. They are known to be a total SCORPIO. no wonder they’ve picked up the nickname THE BLACK SHEEP ! i’m surprised you haven’t heard them blaring STACY’S MOM BY FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE all night. they remind me of PAINT SPLATTERED JEANS, A LONG TIRED SIGH AND GETTING HIGH AT 3 AM. anyway, let me know if you see them ! (rachell, 23, she/her, mt, n/a).

ok hello omg im rachell and this is my lil shit teddy who just needs love ok? i haven’t gotten to play him in awhile and i’m really excited to play this new kinda version of him here?? this whole thing maybe kind of all over the place cuz we’re kinda figuring it out as we go lol but yes pls love us, this whole post is a lot so i apologize im--

tw cancer, tw death, tw depression, tw alcoholism

teddy was born november 3rd, 1993, as an only child, and though a sweet and happy kid he had always struggled with school, being diagnosed with adhd dislexia at a pretty young age causing him to learn at a different pace than the rest of the kids at his class

tho this was pretty hard on him and caused him to grow frustrated at his assignments more often than not, his mom was always there with the patient and supportive smiles, ready to give a hand wherever she could 

things were ok with his dad for the most part the boy was just easily more attached his mother, it being as clear as day to anyone who knew the beckhams

it threw everyone in the small family for a loop when his mom was diagnosed with breast cancer by the time he was six, soon growing familiar with the visits to the hospital and seeing her in a way he never wished he’d have to

as the years went by and his mom now practically stayed in the hospital, the small boy was completely at a loss on how to cope, one day he had to put together a creative piece for school, and being completely fed up with everything, he just painted out everything he was feeling, not giving a shit on how it looked or what he was supposed to have done instead, completely caught off guard when his teacher absolutely loved it, saying she saw great potential in it and him, it being the first time he had actually felt good about smth in school

his mother passed away by the time he was 10, causing teddy to be a lot more closed off and withdrawn from his peers at school, growing frustrated a lot quicker, with art being the only thing that really kept him going as he even pushed his dad away as well, the pair never having been good at talking about their feelings

the death took a big toll on his dad as well, soon falling into a depression that costed him his job, at times not being fully capable of caring for teddy on his own, bringing in the boy’s aunt to help out when she could as he spiraled into borderline alcoholism....that is, until jasmine’s mother came along, slowly helping him come out of his dark place with each moment they spent together, supporting him through therapy and alcoholics anonymous 

teddy found it difficult to be as happy for him as his aunt was, considering how it felt as if his mom was somehow getting replaced, let alone the seemingly perfect young daughter this new woman in his dad’s life had along with her. his dad never really took his love and passion for art all that seriously to begin with, now he had someone else to compare his son to, despite the age gap between the two and he couldn’t really stand it, causing him to give the new people in their life a difficult time at the beginning of them all getting to know each other that was pretty difficult to shake

by the time jasmine’s and teddy’s parents officially got married, the boy was around a freshman/sophmore in high school, at this point warming up more to his new step mom, able to see what his dad saw in her and over all grateful for all that she’d done for him, tho his new step sibling was still smth to adjust to, teddy being too awkward and feeling too much like he was living in her shadow to open up too much, on top of their differences with her as pretty much the golden child and him still not caring much for school and more throwing himself in his art instead of really socializing or getting to know others

fast forward to now with the 2 siblings having been in florida for 3 years, living together and still struggling to understand each other while also getting on each other’s nerves in between. their family at this point is a real one in teddy’s eyes, despite how much he feels like the black sheep when they facetime. call jas his step sister and he’ll sock you. over all there’s sm love there despite how difficult it can be to admit out loud or in general really

about him

takes meds for his adhd

there is nothing that he loves more or is more passionate about than his art, it’s his escape and his way to let out his emotions he doesn’t know how to communicate otherwise

his and jasmine’s place is filled with wips that he’ll just start cuz he got inspo, was bored, or was stressed out

kind of hard for him to sit still and can be pretty anxious but usually puts up a hard exterior so it’s kinda hard to tell 

he is tired all the time, stays up too late to work on his art and relies on coffee to keep him going, someone stop him

is pretty hard to warm up to i wanna say but he’s such a lil shit and has chaotic dumbass energy but like...lowkey lol, very loyal tho, he kinda keeps others at arms length but will appreciate you sm if you become one of his ppl

can be reckless if he’s comfortable w you and around the right ppl

swears too much

extra awkward once finding out he likes someone, will be gruffer than he means to bc he’s just like ew why?

projects this sort of intimidating, confident kind of aura but is actually v insecure

trust issues *finger guns*

usually has paint stains on his jeans but he couldn’t really care less? and he’d dare someone to say smth to him about it

actual name is theodore but he hates it sm call him that at your own risk

stubborn AF and can be pretty judgmental of ppl who come off as snobby and entitled??? hates those kinds of ppl

is so so protective of jasmine despite usually being a pain to her, that’s his baby SISTER

where does he work? idek man maybe at like a tattoo place or smth, ill figure it out

[fairycosmos]

Heya, i know this is presumptive because not everyone has access to this type of thing— and im sure im not the first person to suggest this— but i realllly feel like a professional therapist could help you work through some of the dark feeings youre having about life/the world. Im sure the venting here is helpful to you and even some of the dialogue but i also worry some of it is not helpful and even possibly detrimental. Wishing you light, clarity, and peace 💕

i don’t think i can afford it :/ googled it the other day and it’d be like £200 a month on the lower end in my area. if i can find a really cheap one, slightly lower than that, i might be able to get through a few months of it but idek if there’s much point? if i won’t be able to keep it up long term so. at this point i don’t care, i’ll have to cope one way or another whether or not i receive actual help. venting on here is def temporarily comforting/cathartic but i’m also like hyper aware of the fact that posting my trauma in little soundbites to random strangers is not the greatest way to cope either lol. esp bc like you said it may lead to uncomfortable conversations, boundary issues, misunderstandings etc. i’ll just see what happens i suppose, if i can swing it i will but until then who knows. i don’t take what ppl say on here too seriously btw, i understand that they don’t know me, they’re not professionals nor do they owe me anything. my blogs just a place 2 get my thoughts out and a way to feel less alone. sending a lot love your way  💕