#i've just never made it myself
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The mania from coming back to writing has worn off and now I'm having a panic attack because my mom asked me to take care of dinner so we could eat when she got home, didn't tell me what I needed to do, and then she and my dad both made me feel stupid for getting confused and needing to write it down so I could remember.
#pedanticblah#dylan is sad#it's one of my favorite foods too#i've just never made it myself#and she said she'd tell me what to do#and then she didn't until she was running out the door#i just feel so stupid
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You need to make art that nobody else likes. You need to make art that speaks to you alone. You need to cradle a serpent that eats its own tail and you need to love it until it loves you back
#The best art I've ever made will never be hung in anyone's home#That's not the point#It's not about being good#It's about being real#It's about eating something unpalatable#It's about being consumed#And tasting bitter#It's gorging yourself on crude oil just to feel something different#It's biting your tongue to make yourself cry#I'm saying that I am capable of making you feel good through personal sacrifice but I kind of don't want to cut myself up like that#If you want my heart to taste good you have to prepare it yourself#That isn't my problem
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mourning black and the death of ideals
#i haven't moved on from this yet. btw. i'm still here#finally decided to draw the thought i've been ruminating over for days on end bc it's like a parasite eating away my brain#stated this on the initial post i made days ago but there's just smt so gut wrenching and sickening#about how dazai will have worn black exactly twice in his life: once as a member of the mafia and now at kunikida's funeral#a color that initially signified devotion to the mafia and his demon prodigy alias now signifies his grief#him having to wear black again at the funeral of another doomed fatalist who chose his heart over his survival. his own partner.#kunikida's death being so reminiscent of the tragedy that initially caused him to defect and flee#and everything tying together full circle and effectively breaking him#asagiri rly said fuck knkdz it's doppover we lost gang 😭😭😭#why did bro leave that fucking notebook behind#fool. do you know that angst potential you have left me to work with?#love never won in bsd. it lay dead and festering#i don't know how much longer i can keep saying i miss them. i'm going to kill myself if he doesn't come back#i've never wanted something to be death bait so desperately#bungou stray dogs#bungo stray dogs#bsd#dazai osamu#osamu dazai#kunikidazai#knkdz#kunizai#(??? technically. its implied anyway)#lotus draws
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I DID IT I GOT MY PINK HAYATE now I am never doing that again!
(at least until they give me, like, a frilly unicorn Kamui or something)
#art#ride kamens#last note#i did this SO fast i'm sorry#i was just so excited i actually managed it!#look as a super casual f2p player who has never made a chaostone higher than a+#350k points is a frikkin ACHIEVEMENT#but how could i say no when i got lucky enough to pull the fancy ribbons-and-lace birdboy#and then they tell me i can turn him pink on top of that?#(i'm definitely not still bitter about missing out on a certain other card in another game NOPE)#plus. i mean. i also just kinda wanted to see if i could.#but now i have pretty pink perfume hayate on my home screen and i am Fulfilled#i haven't even read the story yet because i've been so focused on grinding out tickets i have NO context for why he is so fancy#now i have literally thousands of event seals i have to figure out what to do with in the next few hours. hm.#i also have to keep telling myself to save my diamonds and not do just oooone more pull to see if i can get a shion to turn blue...#it's not going to happen and it's not worth it#but whaaaat iiiif...
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I love you messy artstyle i love you visible brush strokes I love you textures and rough edges I love you imperfections I love you roughness and colour blobs I love you scratchy sketches and bold stylisation and dirt and imperfections I love you ugly and raw emotion!!!!! ❤️
#i talk sometimes#art talk#i made a tweet like this on twatter ages ago but i've been feeling this a lot lately#also this is the start of me writing more on this blog and not only using it as art because who cares!! i don't!!#I wanna translate raw emotion into colors and shapes. I wanna know where to ignore all details and where to go ham you feel me?#i used to dream about developing a style like for MtG where it looked like a masterful oil painting that oozes realism and details#and i've realised the last two years or so that I would actually hate that for me. I know I wouldn't enjoy doing it. For myself.#it's that pipeline from wanting to be the perfect realistic wotc artist to accepting that I will never be that#instead i wanna learn how to stylise better and get a good brush economy going yknow. I wanna be bolder.#i doubt i'll ever be as incredible as all these MtG artists no matter what anyone says. but it's ok!! i don't have to be!!!#i just luv art man!!
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uh oh
#art#obey me#obey me raphael#jtta ik#forcing myself to have a go at shading things. if i never try i will never get better!!!!!!!#mind if i brain dump real quick bc i've been thinking lately about how i refer to myself as a writer but never an artist#whenever i mention it i always say 'i draw stuff' or 'illustrate' instead#it's not like i feel particularly inferior about how i draw bc of course! i haven't gotten around to even touching an art course!!#but to me 'artist' encapsulates a sort of abstract skill and i always feel like i draw much more objectively#it is just The Thing That I Am Depicting and that's prob why i have such trouble with shading and any non-literal colouring#the best thing i've made so far is that one satan thing and i have yet to remember how i managed that#anyway i've been trying some new stuff out!! slowly but surely#that's all mostly stuff i'll keep to myself though#anyway if you actually read through all that Thank you i love you
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One of my first digital pieces (2010) versus one of my recent ones (2024)
We all start somewhere!
#picked these cause they're in a similar pose lol. i mean not at all. but sort of... more than my other art at least...#oh fuck im so tired im saving this to drafts and coming back later#my anxiety meds wipe me the fuck out so im trying not to take them in the day#and they're like legit borderline a sleeping med for me. i take one and in 30 mins im OUT.#so I'm. i mean i was already only taking 1-2 in the day and then 2-3 at night#anyways it makes me sad when people say they dont have an artistic bone in their body#and especially when they say they could never draw like me :(#dont put yourself down to lift me up! i don't want my art to be used for you to be mean to yourself!!!#lots of experiences of people comparing themselves to me and being mean to themself...#feels bad. it's okay if you're slow it's okay to be learning it's okay!!!#I'm me and you're you and we're here to learn from each other. i just wanna hang out..#y'know what I'm just gonna post without saying anything i WILL forget I made a draft#i have so many things i intend to post and then forget#it's a wonder I post anything#i only do it when i get bored. and run out of stuff to scroll through#like whelp. guess if i want a post I have to make one myself.#also the second one is really good idc that it's a study i still drew it#art growth#this was in 2010 btw#i started highschool in 2011#I've grown a lot and you can too.#also I've never really been one to dislike my old art. like idk I was trying... if it's bad I just won't look at it whatever#like i wouldn't be mean to someone else who made that so i don't get a free pass to be mean just cause it's to me#man my thoughts are bungled. okay sleep time#if my phone made typos you didn't see it
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I recently saw the Community episode this meme is from and this is all I could think of
#this is all of us right#“oh no why didn't anyone tell me Ody was actually serious about being a monster”#he killed a baby in the first ten minutes#we knew he was a monster#I'm calling myself out with this#(I thought the monster song was just being angsty and not a fundamental mindset change he can never fully recover from)#epic the thunder saga#epic the musical#the thunder saga#epic the musical spoilers#epic: the musical#monster rawr rawr rawr#epic odysseus#meme#memes#(this is the first meme I've ever made :D)
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#grovyle#now‚ since i know what comment you all are going to make‚ i'll make it here for you:#pov: you are a time gear#there. alright. ugh. okay. i love grovyle and he's like the sole reason i ever pick#treecko in subsequent playthrus of the hoenn games#iust because of grovyle. never let him get to sceptile. just grovyle. i don't CARE if sceptile has a mega THIS is my GUY from the FUTURE#wow i'm making a lot of typos i've gotta cut myself the fuck off here. this guy is from the greatest game ever made [END OF SENTENCE]
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SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS / HEADCANONS ABOUT MAX COOPERMAN
just realized that aside from jake, most of max's relationships with people were either superficial or transactional which he probably just thought was normal growing up as a rich kid who was a "loser" learning that ppl only liked him when he had something to give them.
of course, when he was younger everyone loved to go to his birthday parties b/c his parents were loaded and they always planned something extravagant to try and make up for the fact they were never really around but, as he got older his parents stopped really caring to put on those parties. after that, no one bothered to give max any attention or befriend him unless they saw his wealth as something useful, or just brought him around so he could be the butt of the joke. and the second they got what they wanted from him they discarded him. being the kind-hearted and naive boy he is, he doesn't really fully grasp it until after ryan beats him to a pulp. he brushes off what happens but it honestly profoundly affects him from then on.
he thought ryan was a friend but turns out he was just being taken advantage of, his parents didn't care to come see him in the hospital despite how serious his condition was, and jake, the only genuine friend he ever had, ends up leaving (prolly bc college) and max later refers to him in passing as "a guy i brought up back in the day" which hints that they likely don't talk anymore.
so college starts. a fresh slate. max guards himself with this macho (with a very small hint of being an asshole) persona. he's got a leadership position as the RA of his floor, got two nerdy "friends" that are very reminiscent of ryan and his guys (remember when they snicker along with him at mike?), and a semi-famous reputation online. he loses weight the summer before college and decides to stop fighting (probably caused by the trauma from ryan) but we see he uses hand grips so even he definitely wants to keep himself strong for his physique and to protect himself. though max is still fairly lean which is likely an insecurity for him. the last thing he ever wants to be seen as is a dork.
let's not even talk about how being conditioned like this affects his views on women and relationships. first off in highschool he only gets attention from baja's friends b/c of his association with jake, then in college he gets all this attention because he's "attractive" now and has this cool car, dorm and fame due to the fighting videos + promotions. he's (mostly) only ever made out with drunk women at parties or events that just throw themselves at him but it never goes further than that.
he likely has made himself believe that he should think of women as prizes (again as awful as ryan was max kind of molds his new self with his influences subconsciously. he had the kind of attention, the girls, the intimidation factor max aspires to have), but if a girl were to ever genuinely like him it would fry his brain. he wouldn't understand the idea of someone wanting to spend time with him, even if he wasn't really doing anything. to intently listen to him and partake in his interests. or how much happier you'd look after just going on a walk around campus with him vs. when he bought you jewelry or flowers.
it left him with a feeling he only experienced once before when jake saved him, and went after ryan.
it just clicks for him like-
oh. this is how it feels to be genuinely cared for.
it's not soon after he realizes that you tell him you love him for the first time, while cuddling in bed (he's sure his mother used to say it to him when he was younger but he honestly can't really remember anymore-- the most communication he has with his parents now is the deposits into his bank account).
once the door closes, and you've left for your classes.. he feels the lingering heat of your lips, your words echoing in his head and the way you looked at him...
and he cries.
#goddamnit i made myself cry again#im sorry I've been talking to a max bot these few days and my heart breaks for him#guys im so evil idk why i did this#MAX COOPERMAN I WILL GIVE YOU THE LOVE YOU DESERVE#AHHHHH#someone SOMEONE PLS TELL HIM THAT HE'S LOVED JUST AS WHO HE IS#evan peters#evan peters fandom#never back down#max cooperman#max cooperman x reader#this is honestly just a poorly written ramble idk
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Fishing Interlude
[First] Prev <–-> Next
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan sizhui#lan jingyi#ONE HUNDERED (+6 bonus) COMICS BABY!!!! WE MADE IT!#There's still at least 200 more to go at the rate I'm going but still! Triple digits for a comic project feels worth celebrating.#I'm no stranger to setting myself on projects but this is certainly the most adventurous and long-term one I've undertaken.#The aim was to be done by the end of September (whoops (I also took a few breaks to post other stuff)) But I'm still having fun!#Thank you all so much for joining me on this journey! I have a celebration announcement tomorrow!#Sorry this one doesn't really feel like a 'comic 100'. It's sandwiched between two comics that were supposed to be 'comic 100'...#I love how excited Jingyi is to be in the garden. And I will never miss an opportunity to have them fish.#Slowly...I am setting up my punchline with all this. I promise it's leading somewhere.#Lan Sizhui didn't fit into the frame for panel 3 so I like to think he dove in after a fish#Afterall that's were lan zhan is in this comic. Under the water. Hunting. LSZ is just following what his mentor taught him.#Sorry I broke Jingyi's characterization for this punchline. He's one of the biggest wangxian shippers in canon. But fishing comes first.
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Just thinking about making pillow fortresses with Aventurine or doing a little pillow fighting session with him, doing a little bit of everything he missed as a child.
#i've never made a pillow fortress myself but i think i can manage#wait... the fortress idea can be turned to a psychological study instead......#'first couch now pillows what is going through your head harmony?' 😒#it is solely hyv's fault for activating neurons alright#watch me dramatize absolutely normal stuff just because i can#aventurine#aventurine brainrot#aventurine x reader#yandere aventurine#harmony muses#harmonysan.txt
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*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it
#GUESS WHO GOT A PIERCING INFECTION SO BAD OVERNIGHT SHE HAD TO RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL#AND GET SURGERY TO REMOVE IT BC THE METAL WAS BURROWING ITSELF INSIDE HER LIP#yep that was meee :3#man. it sounds so silly now. like that probably shouldn't have made me panic nearly as much as it did#but you have to understand at the time it was terrifying#I noticed my lip was a bit swollen earlier in the night but I was like ok it's probably nothing serious#I put some ice on it hoping it would be back to normal after I got some sleep#then I woke up at like 5:30 AM with my lip super swollen and my lip piercing literally burying itself inside my flesh#I tried pushing it back out a bit and blood and pus started coming out so yk I started panicking#so I went upstairs and I asked my mom to drive me to the hospital#luckily we have free healthcare in brazil and the hospital was basically empty(this was on sunday)#but when I got there they told me the doctor wouldn't arrive until 8AM and it was like 6:45 at that point#so I REALLY started panicking 🫠 bc I could feel like the piercing kept burying itself more deeply like#I felt like the skin inside my lip was going to close around it and I was terrified bc I had no idea what to do#and I was scared it might make things worse#but all I could do was sit there and wait and so I started having a panic attack#luckily my mom was there with me the whole time so at least I didn't feel alone#and then I just. waited for it to end. and then tried to keep myself distracted until the doctor got there#I got treated by military doctors! sjdjcjck the army has been giving additional support for hospitals in my city#bc of the floods some health units are currently closed and demand got higher so they needed extra support there#so an army doctor performed my surgery(inside an army tent no less ajfjjfkf maybe not ideal but. functional)#he was so nice?? like probably the calmest most careful doctor I've ever been treated by#I still had a bit of a nervous breakdown again after the surgery but that was bc I'd never been through something like that before#I got anesthesia obvs but I still felt the tug when he cut into my skin to remove the piercing and did my stitches#so my mind started cooking up all these horrible scenarios of how everything could go wrong and I was gonna die#cried on the doctor's table. 👍🏻 awesome#but he and his assistant were super nice about it she even offered me a hug#but anyway in the end I finally calmed down and got some medication#now I'm all stitched up with my little bloated lip eating soup out of a straw 👍🏻 but I'm ALIVE and I'm just glad it's all over fjjvjkf#sleep.txt
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#cats#outing myself once again as someone whos not attune whatsoever to human culture but - in all honesty I do not know#what 'psspsspss' means despite loving cats my entire life hghj.. I've just seen people online describe that as how you call a cat#but I have never in my life witnessed someone call a cat by making that noise or made that noise myself. I can't even think of an example o#it so I genuinely don't even know what that's supposed to be but. Included because I've seen it so much it must be something to someone#even when I was a kid I pretty much always just meowed to cats and tried to sound exactly like them or whatever meow I associated with them#obviously not literally saying “ME OW” but doing an actual cat meow. often times a kind of 'prrrow' sort of noise where you trill your tong#ue then lead into a softer vocal tone .. maybe like 'mrrrrauh' or something? Or sometimes just a trilling chirp immitating the#cat's ''mrrrrp'' they do sometimes. I used to mimic small kittens to get the attention of cats#with their like very high pitches squeky whine with a little bit of air out the nostrils at the end to imitate the sound of them having#tiny lungs that don't hold much air so with a long loud 'mew' it's sometimes a little strained near the end#Though usually I just imitate the cat that I'm around at the time. Sometimes I have done kind of a combination kissy lip sort of noise#tongue clicking. almost like tapping on the back of your front teeth with your tongue and sucking in. almost makes kind of a squirrel noise#ANYWAY... curiouse....
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C'MON TO THE THEATER!
I love these guys so much. forget NRC, I want to attend their terrible disaster school for disaster children that might actually be plastered on top of the smoking remains of an actively sinking ship. I may or may not actually learn anything, but I will have the time of my life.
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#stage in playful land#stage in playfulland#unique magic posters#so it was fellow after all and not gidel? whoops#i was merely overthinking it#me? overthink fictional characters? surely not#god though#i can't not love a guy who gets the cutest most adorable power#and instantly goes 'i shall use this for Crimes'#also every time he was like 逃げる! my brain auto-translated it as CHEESE IT!#accompanied by twst's running-away sound effect which is just the quintessential sound of someone cheesing it#if i could have (1) twst spinoff it would be the adventures of these two idiots trying to do an education#they would have a stodgy bureaucrat antagonist who keeps trying to catch them in their sleazy corner-cutting ways and shut them down#(OF COURSE there would be a bit where they are trying to host an unforgettable luncheon but egads! their roast is ruined!)#and all while they're trying to evade being hunted down by the playful land investors#the hijinks would be SO wacky you guys#i've made myself sad now because this will never exist#it's real in my HEART
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i will always shout praises of bi4bi but given recent discourse I feel the need to say that I love bi4het too! I just love bisexuality in general in its many forms, and anyone who only likes it when it's 'queer enough' for them is biphobic. Bisexuals should be able to bring their LaMe CiShEt BoYfRiEnD to pride without being made to feel like spectators and outsiders to their own event.
#3 am queer discourse take <3#anyways hot take number two. cishets do belong at pride. everyone who wants to celebrate queerness should be welcomed at pride#if a completely cishet business major fratboy wants to come to pride and vibe with us then he should be welcomed!#not even like. oh he has a queer sibling. no. if he's just a cishet dude who wants to spend his saturday at a parade then hell yeah#like completely ignoring that you have no way to tell he's definitively those things. it shouldn't matter regardless imo#pride is not a secretive club you need to be let into. it's a feeling and a celebration and a statement and a state of being#and whatever you want it to be#burying my other related hot take under the tags readmore ksdjksdjksdj#idk. i'm just tired of a lot of the things people seem to think about bisexuality's validity relating to bi women specifically#this is frustration with the gatekeepy and straight-passing discourse of it all#I'm tired of people being expected to act and to preform and to BE queer enough for others' opinions.#am I still welcome if I haven't been with a woman in a few years? if I dress boring? if I like m/f? if I don't listen to chappell roan?#joking on that last one but like. idk. never straight enough for the straights but never gay enough for the gays#constantly some mercurial in-between that offers no comfortable easy group to put us in.#what do i have to do to not be judged as a filthy hettie? are my doc martens enough for you yet?#like oh sorry let me cuff my jeans and have a bob and wear a button up over a cami and wear etsy earrings. am I visually bi enough yet?#let me apologize for the cardinal sin of liking men too. let me wash my hands of any time a cishet man has held them.#if it was a bisexual man then just hand sanitizer is fine right? where do you draw the line on my queerness?#let me preform for you in a way that makes me queer enough.#anyways. sarcasm aside. I think I've made my distaste for this whole affair evident#if you don't want cishets at pride then what happens to those you incorrectly deem as cishet? do I need to prove myself to you?#am I passing as straight? am I passing as gay? am I enough for onlookers?#is it not enough to just show up at pride and celebrate? anyone and everyone who wants to?
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