#i'm trying to accept the things i did when i was young to harm myself

[uncanny-tranny]

One of the hardest things to actually accept, in my experience, is that you eventually have to forgive yourself for the harm you did to yourself. A good way to move on from that is just being able to let your past self rest in peace. Don't stomp on their resting spot, they need to be at peace. They deserve to be at peace, and so do you.

[teojira]

Really enjoyed your headcanons on Caeser and Proximus, do you mind doing the same with Noa?? 😊🙏

[Noa and day to day life with him!] [Headcanons!]

Summary: Noa takes you back with him to his home, and the clan accepts you as one of them. Even if you're concerned otherwise.

Word count: 1k (Jesus christ)

Warnings: None that I can think of! Can be read as Platonic or Romantic! You and Noa are attached to one another. (Yes, this is me projecting.)

A/N: Noa is so near and dear to me, I literally did not mean for this to be so long, and I STILL cut myself off. This is 1k words worth of headcanons for him, and it is not enough. I'm Noa's #1 fan, I am sorry to all my friends and family who have to hear me talk about him constantly.. Ask me for Noa anything, and I will give you the world.

Do me a favor and strap the fuck in for this it's alot.

I am so glad someone asked about Noa bc I got ALOT to say.

Noa has had it with humans, Mae put him, his clan, and countless others at risk, he should not trust humans, really he shouldn't, but he can't help it. She also betrayed you in the process, and now you're alone.

You agreed to help him and Mae against Proximus, you're the only one who actively goes up against Proximus as well.

Swinging and trying your best to try and get Proximus off of Noa, yelling and crying while the other apes just stare in fear. (Later on they apologize, but you don't hold it against them.)

It's a huge risk to invite a human with them again, but then he remembers Rakas words, Caesars words, and decides he can't told another's decisions over you.

So when he gently grabs your hand in his, looking down at you with a strained smile, blood seeping from his lips, you follow, back to his clans land.

Now on to the good stuff, it's kinda awkward finding your place among the eagle clan, the elders are gone, his father Koro is gone, there really is no guidance as to where to place you.

You drift mostly, either helping Dar or helping with the young ones, teaching them how to read and write, helping fish, farm, the basic tasks.

Dar loves you by the way, doting on you and making sure no one messes with you in a harmful way. She teaches you their customs and traditions, all the while playfully teasing you about Noa. She's a mom, she knows.

You're happy with your work, happy with your place among the clan. It's genuinely shocking how much they were willing to forgive and to not hold any grudges against humans after one ruined everything.

It helps that Noa takes accountability for you, somehow so trusting that you will not cause harm. His faith in you speaks volumes and you remind him everyday that it won't go to waste.

All he does is send you a sweet smile and ruffles your hair.

You find yourself helping Noa alot with crafting new tools and contraptions, being a second pair of eyes that can catch onto things he can't.

"Very smart." "Thank yo-" "For an Echo." and he does that stupid cute little sniff afterwards and it makes it tremendously hard to hit him.

He's such a little shit I fucking hate him.

You're his shadow when his duties permit, he's taken on a higher role of the clan, sometimes going out for days at a time but you're always at the edge of the Village waiting for his return, anxiously working your bottom lip until you see him in view.

You're both extremely attached to one another, Soona and Anaya become attached to you too, dragging you along in everyone's free time to go climbing, to eat, to hunt, just about any group outing has you as their fourth member.

Noa was worried about them accepting you, but they love you just as much as he does.

It makes his heart swell when he sees you and Soona together, giggling about something surely only you both understand while Anaya groans and complains about being left out.

It's like you've always been meant to be with them, to round out their group.

Soona and Anaya will offer to be the one to carry you this time, they do want to, genuinely, but Noa won't let them 99.9% of the time, He's used to your weight, he trusts that he can keep you safe the best. (Says the ape that literally almost died multiple times doing stupid shit)

"Noa worries too much, they will be fine." "Anaya is clumsy. Can't trust you to carry yourself, much less echo."

He tries not to carry you everywhere, but it is so much more convenient than waiting for you, so he scoops you up often enough that the stares don't bother you anymore.

Remember how in the movie, all the apes sleep together communally? Well you're at first extremely nervous about that, not wanting to ask what exactly are your accommodations because surely they don't want you there with them.

Actually, Noa does, so jot that down.

When you shyly move away, he raises his palm up at you, nodding to the space besides him.

When you don't move, he gently tugs you down, laying on his back and shutting his eyes. The clan hasn't really fully rebuilt and started to gather things needed for shawls and coverings, so it's not strange to him that you cuddle up to him to steal his warmth, peeking an eye open to see your face squished into his side, knocked out.

He wraps an arm around you, incasing you in more warmth.

This is a nightly routine until you finally take it upon yourself to throw yourself on him, he chokes out a breath as you make yourself comfortable.

Soona and Anaya usually join in, he cannot fucking breathe but he's so happy that it outweighs it.

When Mae inevitably shows back up, she sees you out in the distance, you look so genuine happy, so at peace with where you are. You even have some eagle feathers in your hair, integrated into their life that it shocks her.

It's enough to make her put the gun away, grasping at Rakas necklace like a lifeline, sucking in a deep breath to stop her from crying.

Maybe apes and humans can live at peace with one another after all. She hopes you prove her wrong.

ᴛʜᴀɴᴋ ʏᴏᴜ ᴠᴇʀʏ ᴍᴜᴄʜ ꜰᴏʀ ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɢ ᴀɴᴅ ɪ ʜᴏᴘᴇ ᴛᴏ ʜᴇᴀʀ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ʏᴏᴜ ꜱᴏᴏɴ!

[lttleghost]

okay I'm like complaining again but I wanna hear other ppls thoughts on this because I'm too impatient to wait until I've gone through all the commentary for BrBa and BCS in search of answers to confirm or deny my suspicions but GOD A FEW THINGS ARE DRIVING ME INSANE and I apologize for this ramble being maybe a lil disjointed in advance

so like, first, this scene-

if I look at this realistically it reads as Jake misinterpreting his and Jesse's parents talking about how Jesse's actions reflect back on them as genuine care, he's young, and I can imagine him having some insecurity in his parents care for him since we do know it is conditional, just Jake is currently meeting those conditions, but sensing that instability could've maybe influenced how he understood his parents talk of his older sibling.

but I just am having a hard time convincing myself that was intended when it was written... and this assessment from me could be unfair because - while I'm not quite sure at what point Jesse was no longer planned to be killed at the end of the first season - this does come from that first season, and I've heard there was a change in how Jesse was written after the first season and throughout the rest of the show there is NO evidence that Jesse's parents like, actually give a fuck about him, they actively make his life worse like when they kicked him out of his own goddamn house, and that all seems like those things have to be intended to make you think "wow Jesse's parents are awful!!!"

but then, not for me to complain about these two scenes in El Camino again but I'm gonna complain about these two scenes in El Camino again -

followed by this not too long after

because while if this movies thing of having blame being squared on Jesse's shoulders was just him talking to his parents it'd be easier to say "oh this is just a kid who was abused in a socially acceptable way not recognizing the abuse he went through and how that really did have a major effect on his life trajectory" but when these two scenes are put so close together it makes it really hard for me to not think that it's TRYING to say that Jesse is responsible for where he ended up even if they don't necessarily want bad things to happen to him

cause like I know, I know the writers are sympathetic towards Jesse but I don't think being sympathetic towards a character like him makes you immune to having harmful beliefs about addicts and criminals when they're so prevalent in wider society, like especially the idea that changing actions taken by individual people is the main problem that needs to be dealt with wrt addiction and crime instead of changing the structural problems that result in addiction and crime, like I've seen this mindset present in the fandom as well

I mean I know I have some evidence that at least Vince's ideas on justice aren't great with this bit from an interview about El Camino (also him having Jesse specifically say "I'm no cop killer" when Jesse would definitely know how cops are just another violent gang, like he could've just said "I don't want to kill anyone" instead of having cops on some higher level of innocence)

like I dunno believing at all that there's a good way to end with Jesse in prison (and not as a way to show how awful prison is either, since he talked about the idea of Jesse finally finding some sort of peace in prison sleeping) is kinda fucked up!!! I do want to fight him for this alone!!! even if like glad he changed it but I dunno the fact that he believes this just makes it easy to believe that he really would!! blame Jesse to at least some extent for what he got into, like I think that he understands Walt manipulated Jesse but I just, I dunno!!! things in BCS kinda bother me too irt just general ideas of crime and drug use ect... but I'm much less familiar with that show in comparison to BrBa so I don't feel as comfortable pointing specific things in it

like... do Vince Gilligan and the writers of Breaking Bad see Jesse’s parents as shit parents who were abusive in a socially acceptable way? or do they really think that they really did their best? is it somewhere in-between? like "they were abusive but they still didn't know any better"? or maybe is it as bad as believing Jesse's parents tried their best and them being rich is supposed to show that he had all he needed to succeed and was just a fuckup (instead of it showing that his parents had all the resources they needed to help him and... didn't) am I just overreacting because I am protective of my girl and the people that I know exist like him and am suspicious of those writing about them if I don't know all their politics behind the subject? I know I've talked to some ppl who have vindicated me w/ some of this but please share ur opinions I want to know the wider ideas on this since I feel like I just don't see it discussed that often

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

sorry before I go to bed I’m thinking bout the different ways Evangelion portrays csa.

asuka's (metaphorical) rape is done by a stranger. someone she doesn’t know. a literal monster. as someone who’s always prided herself on being able to fight, being able to always win, this shatters asuka, who feels such a thing makes her weak. she responds to her trauma by regressing, playing video games at her friends house and speaking to her like a young child, before shutting down entirely to the point of attempted suicide. she’s later sexually abused by shinji, taking his own trauma out on her, and while we don’t see as much of how that effects her, we see the tragedy of the cycles of abuse play out.

shinji's sexual abuse is done by a friend. he doesn’t realise it’s wrong, and misato thinks she’s helping, because he’s a boy and boys like that right? but misato not realising the harm of her actions do not make her any less harmful. there’s a lot of complicated feelings and emotions there, and it very much deals heavily with the complexities of abuse- not all abusers realise what they’re doing. not all abusers even have sexual intent (misato absolutely doesn’t see shinji in a romantic light at all, she's not attracted to him). not all victims hate their abusers, and not all victims fully realise how inappropriate their abusers actions are. yet, the abuse still has impacts- as seen with shinji's complete lack of sexual boundaries, to the point of assaulting asuka for a desperate sense of control. he recognises that it’s awful- it’s something familiar to him to a degree- but as a severely traumatised child, he lashes out and inflicts his own pain on others. which is not acceptable, obviously, but it’s tragic, and shows how abuse makes people worse.

and as for rei, she's abused by her own father. the signs are there, but they don't entirely click at first, and neither do they click to the adults who should be looking out for her. the sexual abuse she faces is overlooked even when it’s right under everyone’s noses. and when someone does put the dots together, they blame her for it. rei's abuse, like a lot of familial abuse, is either ignored or something she’s considered at fault for, despite being sheltered and groomed all her life, and, y’know, fourteen. rei's arc also focuses heavily on her conflicted feelings about her abuser, but in a different way to shinji. she, at first, idolises gendo. she's been groomed her whole life, and is incredibly isolated. what happens is normal to her, she doesn’t see it as wrong because she’s never been told it’s wrong. the idea of not having faith in gendo is alien to her. but as time goes on, she realises what happens isn’t special, it isn’t okay. by the time she dies and another version of her takes her place (the rei's share a soul, so they’re the same person even if rei iii can’t remember everything) she’s quietly furious at the idea of being a doll, and realises she can be more. when her abuser touches her, she literally tears off his hand. and she attains agency! that’s the final part of her storyline. she has agency, for the first time in her life. and she might have chose to listen to shinji on what to do, but she chose for the first time, it’s a massive step and honestly it really struck me as a beautiful ending to her character arc.

idk man. i just like how this mecha anime interrogates a sensitive subject from multiple angles and has genuinely suprisingly good depictions of even abuse that’s not recognised as abuse by most still. it’s nice! it’s refreshing. honestly, they committed to exploring abuse and never trying to apologise for it, and it’s fucking great. i'm personally not a csa victim, but i did go through sexual trauma at around the same ages of these characters, and i found myself relating a lot to their arcs around this due to that even if our experiences are pretty different. i felt aspects of how i dealt with things, especially in rei and shinji but to a degree asuka as well, and it made me feel more confident in myself. if shinji ikari can choose to live, so can I :)

[problemswithbooks]

BNHA Ch. 429

So, I guess Toga is dead, and people are losing it.

I get why people liked her--she was actually queer, being pan/bisexual. She was representation for them and that's rare in shonen manga. But here's the thing--she was bad representation at best and insulting at worst. Nor do I think she was made queer because Hori really wanted to represent a queer girl. Himiko was always the author's poorly hidden fetish--she just was. She liked girls as much as boys because Hori wanted to draw a girl touching sexually on another girl. You can see this in how he draws her and Ochako in solo pics together.

I mean, people seem to understand this when it comes to Momo and her outfit being overly sexual or that both Himiko and Hagakure's Quirks either leave them naked or they have to be naked to use them. These are excuses to draw girls in a sexual manner. Himiko being into other girls is the same thing and that's the kindest interpretation.

Given how Himiko acts and her Quirk being heavily coded sexual desire, and therefore her use of it against someone unwilling being sexual assault, it could just being playing into harmful stereotypes of predatory gays.

As a queer person myself I just found Toga insulting. She was designed to be overly sexual and give the male author a female character that he could draw being suggestive with his other female characters. When he did flesh out her character, her backstory was eventually the trope/fear of straight people, that gay people will be so overcome with their lust that they end up sexually assaulting them.

In the end Ochako accepts this part of Toga and says she'll giver her blood forever, but as much as a lot of readers took that that as some deep lesbian confession, for me it really fell flat. Hori never really gave any of the main kids time to actually learn about their villain or show how that changed their minds toward them. Shoto only works because Touya is his brother (even though he admits he barely remembers him). But Ochako goes from not thinking of Toga at all pre-first war, to one thought about her during her speech, to suddenly caring about her so much she--given how Toga's quirk is coded, is willing to essentially fulfill Toga's kink for the rest of their lives.

It's weird and it comes out of nowhere. It's made even stranger because Toga doesn't actually change or show remorse for anything she did, which included personally hunting and murdering people before she joined the LOV. None of the death and destruction she is also partially responsible for is brought up either, something that Ochako was rightfully upset about during the first war when less people and property had been destroyed. Ochako just accepts everything about her suddenly and her past serious crimes are forgotten so they can cuddle and cry.

Am I shocked Toga died--a little. I didn't think Hori would have the guts to kill off a young girl character, especially one that he clearly got a lot of joy drawing in sexy poses. But at the same time, once he killed off Shigaraki and ended Touya's story with his slow death, I'm not surprised he went the same route with Toga.

This isn't Naruto--Hori isn't really kind to characters that do something wrong, especially if they don't try and change. Enji, Bakugo, Hawks, and Aoyama all sort of got punished for what they did. Enji is the worst off, being permanently crippled, missing an arm and burned everywhere. Bakugo's hand is damaged, his heart weaker, plus he feels bad that Izuku lost his Quirk so they can't compete the same way he wanted them to. Aoyama, despite doing way less wrong and even helping his class during the forest raid, still leaves school because he doesn't feel he earned being there yet. Hawks lost his Quirk and even though him running the HPSC could be seen as good for him, Hawks always wanted a break, but now he has one of the most time consuming and stressful jobs out there.

So, if this is what characters who actively did good things and even changed and fought to be better get, what would characters who never changed and never did anything positive for anyone but their friends/themselves get?

Before the last Arc started, when so many people said the LoV were 100% going to be redeemed I had doubts and always thought it wouldn't make sense with how the story presented redemption or treated other non-LoV villains in the past. That if the main LoV did get some happy ending where they were bffs with the main cast it would clash with how other characters had been treated.

That doesn't mean that I think how Shigaraki, Toga, and Touya ended up in the manga was well done. I think their endings fit far better then a last minute redemption would have, but at the same time you can feel how rushed everything has been since the end of the first war arc. Hori was done with this story months if not years ago, yet he was contractually obligated to finish it. Because of that I think he left out as much as possible. As much as I think he's written some pretty obsessive stuff, particularly towards women, I can't really fully blame him cutting corners or the story being shit at the end.

We know Manga authors, particularly those that work with Jump are treated like shit. That they suffer incredibly long hours at times not even getting to go home for days. We've gotten messages for Hori saying he's sick quite a few times. On top of that, weekly story telling is not a great way to tell a cohesive narrative. Ideas probably change week to week or at least month to month and you can't go back and change the last chapter no matter how much you need or want to. Then you remember he also gave a lot of ideas to the people who made the movies, which would also change his plans for how he wanted the main story to go.

The story is bad--it has been for a while, but I think a lot of people put their hopes on their favorite characters getting a happy ending, even when there were signs that probably wasn't going to be the case. I know how much it sucks when a character you love gets a shitty ending (Stain was my fav, but he got an absolute dogshit ending) but at least, knowing what I know about the industry I can't really blame Hori the way I see some other people doing. Criticize it, sure, but saying Hori hates his readers or is horrible writer isn't true. BNHA was popular for a reason--he's great with characters and the beginning of the story had some great pacing. We'll never know, but I wouldn't be surprised if BNHA could have been amazing if Hori had been treated better and the story hadn't needed a chapter every week.

If anything BNHA has taught me how much a story suffers when authors/artists are treated like crap and forced to work past burnout.

[menofsweaters]

okay so

y'all seemed unusually chill about my last Endeavor rant, and that has lulled me into a false sense of security. General disclaimer that everyone is allowed to engage with media however they want and no one is ever obligated to like/appreciate/forgive/whatever any character and this is all fictional barbie doll playtime so who cares -

BUT

Whenever I see a lot of anti-Endeavor rants, it just screams to me that the person posting has maybe not fully internalized the idea that parents (and adult figureheads in general) are human beings who are quite fallible and capable of making terrible mistakes just like everyone else.

Most people who abuse and neglect children do not realize that they're abusing and neglecting them. I know this is a tough pill to swallow.

Heck, most people who abuse other people in general do not realize they're causing harm. We as human beings generally like to see ourselves as the main character - as a person who's making the correct choices, who knows best, who's out for the greater good.

When parents and guardians abuse and neglect their children, they're generally not thinking "I want to hurt a child," they're thinking that they need to teach the child discipline, or that the child is ungrateful, or that they're somehow doing what's right for the child and the family even if it's hurtful at the time. Or, perhaps at the same time, they're not examining their actions at all, due to lack of understanding, mental health issues, addiction, etc. Makes me think of that post that circulated about how "child abuse is inherently irrational" because YEAH. IT IS IRRATIONAL.

This all very much tracks for Endeavor, who married Rei and started having children when he was quite young, and by all accounts did not have anyone in his life to offer a good example of what a healthy, loving family looks like. We also see his descent into emotional disturbance pretty starkly when you look at the memories of Touya and Fuyumi when they're very young versus the at height of his abuse. We also don't see any other heroes of Endeavor's age who are parents in canon.

Endeavor's thoughts were always "I need to protect Touya from hurting himself, and the best way to do that is by distancing myself so he stops wanting to be a hero" and "I need to train Shouto to be as strong as possible so that he can surpass both me and All Might and become a great hero." Both of these are selfish and short-sighted to some extent, but they're not sociopathic.

He was never thinking, "I want to hurt my children and my wife." No one thinks that way. That's some family annihilator thinking, and there's no indication that Endeavor thinks this way. Very, very few people are that cartoonishly villainous in real life, and Horikoshi has made a point of showing that Endeavor is multifaceted. He only recognized his own shortcomings with his family when he was older and saw the consequences. Would it have been better if he realized these things earlier (and maybe got some damn therapy)? Yeah, of course! That would have been way better!!

Anyway, I think the point that I'm trying to make is that people seem to have this assumption that Endeavor KNEW what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway, when that's simply not what's shown in the canon and also is not realistic in terms of actual bad parenting.

Not to get too deep on main or whatever, but as a survivor (ugh) of childhood abuse, and someone who's dealt with abusive partners as an adult, letting go of the idea that abusers are fully aware of what they're doing and are purposeful with the harm that they do was a HUGE hurdle for me to overcome, but it made my life way better to accept that people are just selfish idiots who have no idea what they're doing in most cases. This doesn't mean that abusers are innocent in any way, or that they can't be held accountable for their actions, or that you have to forgive blah blah blah, but I really genuinely encourage people to reexamine the idea that abuse is always purposeful because it very much is not.

Thanks for coming to my rant, no tags because I don't want to get harassed by teenagers. This is just me spitting out my internal thoughts on the internet and I have no desire to engage in arguments about it.

[revscarecrow]

(I'm sorry this got so long. you don't have to post it if you don't want to) late to the party but I did want to say that while I don't know what the perfect answer is, I also don't like it when trans kids are written off as being dumb (or kids in general). Even at a pretty young age its not impossible to understand complex ideas, even if you can't explain them in the most clear way. As early as 5 my mom noticed I would talk about my gender in certain ways, saying I'd wish i was a boy and other things along those lines. For a while she chalked it up to me possibly being a tom-boy but after I started to transition it really clicked with her that I knew I was trans from a really young age. I'm not sure she would have gotten me onto HRT if she knew I was trans sooner, but I feel like if we were more open to trans healthcare for kids we can at least get that conversation started sooner, yknow? Sure at certain ages kids can't understand EVERYTHING but that's why we teach kids things. As a trans kid it kind of felt like I had to find all of the information myself which kind of sucked. Not all the information i was able to find was good information. Around that time non-binary was a known thing but not as wide spread and accepted as it is now, so the idea of sitting outside of certain molds was super new for trans and non-trans people alike. So a lot of the information being spread even within trans circles was a bit weird. Like,the idea of a masc person not wanting top surgery or being fine not binding was seen as a bad thing at the time and it would confuse trans and cis people. It made trying to figure out if i'm trans or not hard because on one side i knew for a fact i wanted to be masc presenting, and on the other hand a large portion of internet randos are saying that some of the ways I felt made me "not trans enough". As a young teen I knew what gender was, what gender dysphoria was, and it would have been great for someone that knew MORE than I did to explain the right information to me. I wasn't dumb, I just didn't know better. And I think the same can be said for a lot of trans kids and parents of trans kids that want to learn more about hormones, and being trans in general. Withholding that information from parents and kids did do harm and still does harm. I do understand the worry with regret. Hormones do in fact have some life changing effects. But at the same time I feel like we can do a LOT better in terms of giving trans kids resources. I don't know enough to know if changing the age when hormones can start is a good or bad idea, but treating kids as kids that are able living people helps a lot. At the very least kids deserve to be informed. Something kid-me WOULD have loved a lot was getting to sit with a doctor that knew a lot about being trans and have them offer me things I could do even before hormones. Play around with pronouns, names, think about how I want to express myself, maybe doctors would have known about non-binary genders at the time too, i'm not sure. And maybe they could have information I could sit and think about, like giving me sheets about the good and bad changes of HRT, and even how to deal with transphobia and gender dysphoria while those problems exist. but yeah- i know this isn't strictly related to hormones but this is my two cents. the TLDR is that trans kids aren't quite as ignorant about gender as people think they are, its just hard to put those feelings into direct words sometimes. If a 13 year old can learn multiple subjects a day at school, teaching them about gender expression and medical options for gender dysphoria isn't that hard.

Posting because it's good info and an important perspective.

[ask-agent-rapzutin-vodello]

[Booting up Razberry's_Project.exe][Welcome back P00t3r]

[Raz] Why did I ever think that letting Gisu name this program AND my login for it was a good idea? Ah, to be young and easily trusting again ... (Chuckles) Man, it's kinda weird setting this thing up again. It's been ...years. I wonder if the regulars from back then are gonna notice?

[Milla] Razputin, where are - ah, there you are, querido. What are you doing?

[Raz] Felt a bit nostalgic and decided to boot up this old thing again.

[Milla] (Pauses for a bit) (Lets out an agreeable hum) Yes, Sasha, I'll tell him. Darling, this better not get in the way of your work.

[Raz] It won't, mom. It's just ...a bit of casual leisure activity.

[Milla] And clean your room. How many times do I need to ask? It better be clean by tonight, or else you're not getting your dessert after dinner.

[Raz] (Hearty chuckle) Mom, that won't work on me anymore. I'm 17, I'm not a kid anymore.

[Milla] That still doesn't make you an adult and you're still living under our roof. (Claps hands) Hup-hup, on with it.

[Raz] You know I'm an Agent too, right? They need me at HQ today. And the Grand Head already warned me about being late this week. I don't need another lecture.

[Milla] And as a Senior Agent, they'll gladly accept my reason for you being late.

[Raz] (Opens mouth)

[Milla] (Teasingly) I could also ground you. (Smirks) Try me, darling.

[Raz] (Sighs) Fine. (Grins and snaps his fingers)

(Bed starts making itself. Comic books fly over to their shelves. Laundry folds itself up and flings themselves into the closet. Papers tidy themselves.)

[Raz] (Dusts off hands.) There, done.

[Milla] (Giggles) Show-off. Okay, let's go.

[Raz] One more thing. (Grabs his goggles of the nightstand) Need to look my best when I'm out saving the world.

[Milla] (Giggles) Never change, my sweet boy.

Yes, you've read it right. I'm restarting the ask-blog, with some little changes.

I'm gonna be honest, I missed doing this, but a minor ulterior motive behind this move is trying to get "Tides of war" a bit of a public boost. The response to the story has been ...not what I hoped it would be, so I guessed "if this blog worked for "The lives and times of Razputin Vodello", there's no harm in seeing if the same results will occur, right?

New blog, new possibilities, new URL, new avatar, new rules.

The timeline for the 'new' blog is set several months to a year before the first chapter of "Tides of War", and it will always will be. Unlike with "The Lives and times", the timeline of this blog isn't as parallel with the story. questions regarding events about the story will be answered by myself, the AUthor.

We're dealing with an older, more experienced, (considering himself to be) much wiser Razputin Vodello. Raz has been a full-time agent for some time now and is quite the rising star.

The future has arrived. New relationships. New enemies. New shenanigans. New asks. New answers.

Ask Box is open.

It's good to be back.

[elronds-meleth-nin]

Hi I’m back after a day or two I can’t tell at this point I’m just trudging through life😂

Also not me with my dad issues 👀 thinking of like a vox machina Grog but still young adult like Uruk like falling in love with a half human/maiar girl and bringing her home to Adar and poor tired dadar takes one look at her, has Sauron ptsd flashbacks (because of the half maiar thing), and says flatly “absolutely not”.

However over the course of months with rings of power Groggles Adar’s son keeping her around trailing at the back of the pack with her and with half human wizard girl’s dad issues (he left when she was young and her mom being mortal has since passed long before she was an adult immortal or half immortal being age slower) being revealed as when she isn’t hanging out with his son she’s trying to get Adar’s acceptance and attention by doing all the chores she can. Adar has the every dad who’s kids got a pet he didn’t want moment and is like ‘if any thing happens to my new dollar bin wizard street rat daughter imma kill everyone in the south lands and then myself.’

Now to make this hurt what if dollar bin grog Dazboc? (idk man) and Adars adopted daughter were the only ones to go against Annatar Sauron and tried to save Adar but were too late in figuring out what was going to happen and seeing them when Adar first fell, his head lolling to the side in their direction, his eyes widened in shock seeing the pair in the distance in tears with his adopted daughter with her hands clamped over her mouth muffling sobs and Dazboc about ready to kill his uncles and brothers and anyone else who stands in the way of him getting to his dad.

Adar to keep them from getting themselves killed since he knew it was too late for him, subtly shook his head ‘no’ to them and did the ‘get out of here, go, run’ head flick. Dollar store wizard Adar’s adopted daughter understanding the situation, knowing it’s already too late, and respecting Adar’s orders having to pull at Dazboc’s arm and drag him away.

-AZSR 👀 🥷

OKAY, I'M SOBBING OVER THIS???? AZORA. FRIEND. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME??? 😭

THE WAY HE EVENTUALLY GRUDGINGLY ADOPTS HER AND THEN TRUSTS HER TO GET HER SON OUT OF HARM'S WAY–

I–

*sniffling* I'm fine. I'm FINE.

[theremina]

Extending heartfelt apologies to anyone who happened to see my reposts of Clementine Morrigan's writings over the past few days.

As a messy, traumatized Harpy committed to honoring all peoples' baseline humanity regardless of what they've done --as well as someone whose lifelong CPTSD is sssllloooowwwllllyyy healing as I embrace personal accountability, avoid B&W thinking, and extend grace and compassion to myself and others-- I was taken in by a lot of what Morrigan says about encouraging non-punitive modalities. I reposted her words without learning how she herself is actively complicit in perpetuating ongoing harm to others in leftist and liberal spheres, especially as the popularity of her podcast FUCKING CANCELLED grows.

In retrospect, I see that I was moved by Morrigan's writings primarily because they're a clever, zinger-filled repackaging of more genuine and nuanced essays penned by others. Namely, by queer Black folks and other more sophisticated and culturally rooted voices.

When I posted Morrigan's stuff, I had no idea about her partner Jay Manicom's forceful silencing of several BIPOC peers and partners they'd allegedly abused and made no amends to. I didn't realize that Morrigan was publicly weaponizing abolitionist and twelve-step language in order to defend Manicom's alleged ongoing violence and harm. Said harm includes sending legal threats to several survivors, femme PoC, after they'd repeatedly asked him to join them in a circle to hash things out. When these folks spoke out about their experiences, both Manicom and Morrigan were quick to frighten, shame, and silence them. (Even while simultaneously decrying similar acts perpetrated against credibly alleged serial perpetrators! Try to make it make sense!)

Comparing "cancel culture" to the carceral state by using appropriated language and concepts that Black and Indigenous activists have been cultivating and nurturing for centuries is not an approach I want to lend any credibility to. It's DARVO. White femme DARVO. That's messed up.

When a popular, charismatic young white woman, a self-described "powerhouse" and "controversial public figure", goes so far as to compare survivors' requests for basic accountability and community-wide responsibility to "acting like a cop", there's some straight-up pastel Q-Anon dog whistle "Guru Jagat" horseshit goin' down.

Recently, I observed Morrigan on a panel with several other speakers, all healers from various lineages whom I admire and trust. I enjoyed their talks a lot. But in spite of my initial enthusiasm for Morrigan's breezy social media writings, as soon as she launched into her very polished, practiced lip service to radical compassion and acceptance, red flags started popping up for me. BIG Russell Brand energy. (And most of you already know how I feel about THAT righteous broheim. I've been roasting him years.)

Observing Morrigan's onscreen presentation, my curiosity died almost instantly. I won't say I was shocked by her performativity. I did experience rolling waves of nausea. Whether it's a fair assessment or not, I parsed her almost instantly as yet another cult-of-personality cultivator who is using hierarchical tactics to center the comfort and safety of active, unapologetic abusers ahead of everyone else. Not okay. She may have the best intentions in the world, but NO THANK YOU.

Morrigan's particular approach to justice is not what I'm about. If it were, I'd still be hanging out with a whole lot of sketchy af people I met in various green rooms over the years and making a whole lot more money while we all dance together around similar cognitive dissonance in our professional lives as celebrities, pundits, and "righteous" preachers. Again, no thank you.

I wanted to fast-forward through Morrigan's portion of the presentation, but gritted my teeth through it out of respect for the panel's curator. The wild thing is, on paper, I agree with *so much of what she says*! Still, something felt very, very off. So I went and read up further, and finally understood why my heart was sinking, my stomach, churning.

I wholeheartedly respect that the healers who invited Morrigan onto this panel have a different, more generous perception of her. I'm not making this post to demonize or dehumanize Morrigan, her partner, her friends, her listenership, or anyone else who leans into ye olde "hurt people hurt people" tenets in order to make sense of various horrors committed by them or to them.

However, the FUCKING CANCELLED fan club is most assuredly not something I want to give my time, energy, or trust to any more than I would Amanda Palmer's, or Rosie O'Donnell's, or Rose McGowan's, or Lena Dunham's, or Asia Argento's, etc.

My casual shares of Morrigan's work were a mistake. Consider this post a personal retraction. If there are further reparations I should consider, please let me know. Especially if you're a transformative justice buddy who has been quietly observing my promotions of her and feelin' barfy because of it!

Please, please know that I wouldn't have boosted her bandwidth so blithely, had I dug a bit deeper. I hope no one was too hurt or freaked out by my ignorant shares.

My apologies and my love. In solidarity. May all beings be free from suffering. Ashe.

[vinegar-on-main]

"Hey."

Joshua looked up from his card game.

"Gimme a minute, I'm just in the middle of something," he said, turning to Natasha again.

"No, you're coming with me," Colm dragged him by the collar.

"Don't touch that!" Joshua hissed.

He freed himself from Colm's grasp but still followed the boy. It was shocking how strong he was. Colm was only a teenager, maybe fifteen, but he was nearly as strong as Joshua was. He could hold his own in a fight against Gradoan soldiers.

The only thing stopping him from cutting their heads clean off was Neimi. Though Joshua had only met him some hours prior, he could see clear as day that the girl was the young thief's only weakness. Whenever she was in pain or anything but happy, Colm was by her side, trying his best to help her however he could.

Joshua sighed deeply, "what do you want from me?"

Colm pulled something from his pocket and showed it to Joshua.

"When you attacked Neimi, you broke her mirror. I expect you to fix it as well," he growled.

Joshua took it and inspected it. It wasn't anything special. The base was of wood with flowers painted on. Several splinters jutted from the now broken handle. It had likely been fixed at least a few times before.

"Yeah yeah, I'll get it done before your bedtime," Joshua turned on his heels.

When Colm made no response to the snarky comment, Joshua made a note of it. He certainly wasn't an obnoxiously defensive kid.

Joshua returned to his card game.

"What did he say?" Natasha asked.

"Neimi's mirror broke and he blamed me so I have to take care of that," Joshua sighed.

He packed up the card game and stood.

"Come, I'll finish teaching you that game later. You know Serafew better than I, help me find a carpenter."

Natasha said nothing but lead him around town. Whenever he wandered off, she was hesitant to say much of anything.

"It's this way," she muttered.

"Hmm? Didya say something?" he asked.

"It's down this road," she said.

Joshua nodded, taking some steps back. He followed Natasha's lead, turning left to some small house near the city wall.

Despite how late it was, the lights were still on and the sign said they wouldn't close until at least another hour. They entered and Joshua put the broken mirror on the table.

"Can you fix this?" he asked.

"Not without switching the handle out entirely. Is that okay?" the carpenter asked.

"Yeah, just make it look similar," he set a pile of coins on the table, "and do it immediately, I'd like it done before tomorrow."

The carpenter sighed at his attitude but accepted the money.

"Sorry for his behavior," Natasha muttered as they left.

As they returned to the town square, Joshua was oddly silent. They sat at their bench again, and Natasha got the cards out. She lay them on the table as Joshua instructed.

"Shall we play?" she asked.

He was staring off in the distance, perhaps at some star or a particularly odd looking house. Natasha glanced behind her to try see what he saw, but there was nothing of note.

"Joshua," she said.

He finally looked at her, "what's up?"

"Do you wanna play again?"

"Sure."

Joshua looked at his cards, but thought little of what to do. Natasha placed first and waited for his move, which he never made.

"Are you sick? This is the first time you've been quiet all day," she chuckled.

"Huh? No, of course not. I was just thinking about that kid," he muttered.

"Who? Colm?"

"Yeah."

Natasha wracked her brain for what could be so special about Colm, but nothing came up. Unless Joshua wanted to harm him.

"... Why him specifically?" she questioned.

"He obviously likes Neimi, just look at how he shielded her with his own body earlier or the way he talks about her," Joshua muttered.

"That's it?"

"No, of course not," Joshua said, "he just reminds me of myself. Last time I cared that much about someone, he-"

Joshua stopped himself mid sentence. Natasha didn't need to know that. No one did. What happened that day was between himself, the gods and him.

Joshua placed a card on the table, "your turn."

Though Natasha was concerned, she didn't press it. If he didn't want to talk about it, she wouldn't force him. And admittedly, she was scared of what kind of horrors a man as odd as Joshua had seen.

An hour later, they returned to the carpenter to pick up the mirror. The handle looked as though it was the original. They thanked the carpenter for it and returned to the inn where Neimi and Colm were.

"Here's your mirror," Joshua said.

Neimi took it and inspected it carefully. She turned it in her hand and a smile grew on her face.

"Thank you, Joshua," she said.

"No problem," he replied.

As him and Natasha left, he couldn't help but glance back at the teenagers. Neimi was overjoyed that her mirror was fixed again. But of course Colm was the interesting one here. He had the same look of joy on his face as he stared at Neimi. He looked as though he'd do just about anything for her.

Seeing this scene, Joshua brushed his worries aside. Colm was a good kid and Neimi was too sweet to even consider killing a fly. She wouldn't hurt Colm the same way Joshua had been hurt.

JOSHUA ANGST THANK YOU PIE

[fictionkinfessions]

I am happy, now.

I did not expect to be. I did not think I ever could be. The more I focused on 'healing' the more impossible it seemed to become, the more agony became the only thing I could feel. I don't think I was healing, now. I was tearing myself apart, because I wanted so desperately to be loved and I thought that the only way I could be good enough to earn that would be to rip out my scars with my teeth. Whatever I was doing, I wasn't doing for myself. I was afraid, and hungry, and desperate, and I believed whatever I was told.

I will always be hurt. My past will never entirely ease its claws from my throat. I will always have impulses and desires and fears that should not be. Oddly, since accepting that, it has become so much less oppressive.

I am deeply lonely. Yet somehow, I feel less so than when I was desperately clinging to any scrap of attention I could find. It still hurts, but I think it will ease in time.

What has been done to me will always be a part of me, but only ever a part. Not every thought or action or emotion is the result of his choices, and it was always rather disempowering to hear the implication that it was, although I did not have the understanding of why until now, much less the ability to articulate it.

I'm starting to fall in love with the world again. I am remembering why I chose to live, over and over and over again, fighting for a future I never believed I would see. But I did, and here I am, now. I can enjoy the way the light shimmers through stained glass, the emerald glow of the leaves, the heavy, comforting warmth of being loved.

It's hard for me to trust that anyone will stay. Some days are harder than others. But for now, I can enjoy what I do have, and find strength in being able to support the ones that I will never willingly abandon.

I enjoy being in a caretaking role. Perhaps it is unorthodox, for one as young and hurt as me, but I enjoy it. It makes me feel strong and useful, and reminds me of the kindness that yet exists in the world. It gives me a purpose, but not just that, and it's not just about redemption, either. I'm not sure it has ever been, beyond a surface level understanding. I don't think I know why I truly prefer it. It's just... it feels good.

I'm trying to be gentler with myself. Perhaps many of the things that help me... shouldn't. But they do, and as long as they cause no harm, I see no logical reason I should continue to be ashamed.

Everything will be painful, but it will be worth it. It will be alright. Everyone is worth fighting for. Perhaps that might even include me.

Love, Xiao. #🥀🖌️

[beantothemax]

"Hey."

Joshua looked up from his card game.

"Gimme a minute, I'm just in the middle of something," he said, turning to Natasha again.

"No, you're coming with me," Colm dragged him by the collar.

"Don't touch that!" Joshua hissed.

He freed himself from Colm's grasp but still followed the boy. It was shocking how strong he was. Colm was only a teenager, maybe fifteen, but he was nearly as strong as Joshua was. He could hold his own in a fight against Gradoan soldiers.

The only thing stopping him from cutting their heads clean off was Neimi. Though Joshua had only met him some hours prior, he could see clear as day that the girl was the young thief's only weakness. Whenever she was in pain or anything but happy, Colm was by her side, trying his best to help her however he could.

Joshua sighed deeply, "what do you want from me?"

Colm pulled something from his pocket and showed it to Joshua.

"When you attacked Neimi, you broke her mirror. I expect you to fix it as well," he growled.

Joshua took it and inspected it. It wasn't anything special. The base was of wood with flowers painted on. Several splinters jutted from the now broken handle. It had likely been fixed at least a few times before.

"Yeah yeah, I'll get it done before your bedtime," Joshua turned on his heels.

When Colm made no response to the snarky comment, Joshua made a note of it. He certainly wasn't an obnoxiously defensive kid.

Joshua returned to his card game.

"What did he say?" Natasha asked.

"Neimi's mirror broke and he blamed me so I have to take care of that," Joshua sighed.

He packed up the card game and stood.

"Come, I'll finish teaching you that game later. You know Serafew better than I, help me find a carpenter."

Natasha said nothing but lead him around town. Whenever he wandered off, she was hesitant to say much of anything.

"It's this way," she muttered.

"Hmm? Didya say something?" he asked.

"It's down this road," she said.

Joshua nodded, taking some steps back. He followed Natasha's lead, turning left to some small house near the city wall.

Despite how late it was, the lights were still on and the sign said they wouldn't close until at least another hour. They entered and Joshua put the broken mirror on the table.

"Can you fix this?" he asked.

"Not without switching the handle out entirely. Is that okay?" the carpenter asked.

"Yeah, just make it look similar," he set a pile of coins on the table, "and do it immediately, I'd like it done before tomorrow."

The carpenter sighed at his attitude but accepted the money.

"Sorry for his behavior," Natasha muttered as they left.

As they returned to the town square, Joshua was oddly silent. They sat at their bench again, and Natasha got the cards out. She lay them on the table as Joshua instructed.

"Shall we play?" she asked.

He was staring off in the distance, perhaps at some star or a particularly odd looking house. Natasha glanced behind her to try see what he saw, but there was nothing of note.

"Joshua," she said.

He finally looked at her, "what's up?"

"Do you wanna play again?"

"Sure."

Joshua looked at his cards, but thought little of what to do. Natasha placed first and waited for his move, which he never made.

"Are you sick? This is the first time you've been quiet all day," she chuckled.

"Huh? No, of course not. I was just thinking about that kid," he muttered.

"Who? Colm?"

"Yeah."

Natasha wracked her brain for what could be so special about Colm, but nothing came up. Unless Joshua wanted to harm him.

"... Why him specifically?" she questioned.

"He obviously likes Neimi, just look at how he shielded her with his own body earlier or the way he talks about her," Joshua muttered.

"That's it?"

"No, of course not," Joshua said, "he just reminds me of myself. Last time I cared that much about someone, he-"

Joshua stopped himself mid sentence. Natasha didn't need to know that. No one did. What happened that day was between himself, the gods and him.

Joshua placed a card on the table, "your turn."

Though Natasha was concerned, she didn't press it. If he didn't want to talk about it, she wouldn't force him. And admittedly, she was scared of what kind of horrors a man as odd as Joshua had seen.

An hour later, they returned to the carpenter to pick up the mirror. The handle looked as though it was the original. They thanked the carpenter for it and returned to the inn where Neimi and Colm were.

"Here's your mirror," Joshua said.

Neimi took it and inspected it carefully. She turned it in her hand and a smile grew on her face.

"Thank you, Joshua," she said.

"No problem," he replied.

As him and Natasha left, he couldn't help but glance back at the teenagers. Neimi was overjoyed that her mirror was fixed again. But of course Colm was the interesting one here. He had the same look of joy on his face as he stared at Neimi. He looked as though he'd do just about anything for her.

Seeing this scene, Joshua brushed his worries aside. Colm was a good kid and Neimi was too sweet to even consider killing a fly. She wouldn't hurt Colm the same way Joshua had been hurt.

AAAAAAAAAA pie!!!!!!!!! i love this!!!!!!! ah!!!!!!!

for your fist non-octopath inbox fic I think you did a really good job!!!!!!! joshua’s a very special boy and this whole fic was. wkoqmzngk. yes

im very very normal about Colm and Neimi btw. mhm. yep. definitely did not go insane every time you talked about how colm would always be there for neimi or how he always tries to protect her. nope.

Joshua’s as snarky a lad as ever and I love how you write him!

and!!!!! and Colm just being as happy as Neimi!!! just because she’s happy!!!! these two are so so sweet im gonna explode!!!!!!!

although. im a but concerned about whatever’s happening with Joshua. what did this man go through…

long answer short !!!!!!!!!!! love!!!!!!!!

[sparkling-pink-lemonade]

Feel like giving my scattered thoughts about radqueer~

long post: (radqueer positive, detailed description of my journey as an ex transphobe into an ally, my current approach to radqueer identities)

I'm definitely pro-radqueer, and I've found my life to filled with a lot less hate since adopting radqueer ideology, even when it was back before I even knew about radqueer.

I don't really consider myself radqueer, because to me, labels are a personal thing representing my identity, so I'd have to actively be a part of the community to consider it as part of my identity. Like, I actively consider myself proship/profic not just because I agree with the ideology, but because I feel it's a subject that affects me personally and is a community I choose to engage with. While radqueer is like "oh yeah, I believe in that" and go about my day, not paying much mind to it.

Before accepting the idea of radqueer, I was way too focused on what identities are "correct" and what identities are "harmful". I'd get soo angry seeing someone identify as something I didn't agree with. Now let me make something clear, as far as lgbt+ goes, I'm bi and cis. I'm old enough to recall when the whole idea of more widespread trans awareness was just starting to take root. Being young and cis, I didn't understand it. My lack of understanding made me angry. "Why do people feel they have to change their gender? Why can't they be a guy that likes skirts and dolls? Why can't they be a girl with cargo pants and nerf guns?" Eventually when some friends came out as trans, I had it explained to me, and I stopped being so angry. Then soon after came a more widespread awareness for nonbinary. It happened again. "I get wanting to transition to the other gender, but you have to be one or the other. Just pick the one aligns with how you want to present. You're just trying to be special to get more oppression points." And then when friends came out as non binary, I had that explained as well.

But I still kept getting mad at other identities for not being "correct" or "reasonable"

When that finally changed, and I learned to let go of that hatred for things I don't understand, and accept the identities of others no matter how unorthodox it seemed to me, it was a rather ironic moment honestly. As I had learned it from two of the biggest antis I know. XD and I guarantee you that these people are definitely anti radqueer as well.

How it went down, I was fed up and getting angry over the idea of noun/nounself neo pronouns, and other neo pronouns like it. Was it an ironic thing, to make fun of the transphobes who whine about there being only 2 genders, but the libtards keep inventing new ones? Or did they seriously expect people to remember and use these pronouns, alienating people who are genuinely trying their hardest to be supportive with something they don't understand, by making the trans right's movement look like the joke the transphobes are making it out to be, causing the trans people who are genuinely trying to fight for their rights further harm?

I was told it was serious and that they wanted people to use these pronouns. It isn't a joke to them, and they use these noun-gender identities because they experience gender in a completely different way, and that an aesthetic better describes their gender in a way other people can understand. And if someone becomes transphobic against all trans people due to their comfort labels, then that's their own fault for siding with transphobes rather trying to understand it or at the least just let people be happy.

"It isn't trans people that are hurting other trans people, it's transphobes that are hurting trans people."

And that just really struck me. Why was I getting so upset over other people's identities? Why did I feel like it was my job to decide if other people's labels were valid or not? Why did I care so much about how others express their own experience? These people aren't hurting me by having their identities, it doesn't matter if I agree with it or not.

Do I still believe that some radqueer identities can stem from a more harmful systemic way of thinking? Absolutely. But if the identity isn't proven to be in bad faith, and isn't actively spreading misinformation... then it isn't my business. Do I feel that some radqueer identities are a symptom of an undiagnosed mental disorder that should be genuinely treated rather than just calling it an identity? Well... yes, but at the same time, people believed the same thing about gay people for decades. So unless it's causing the person distress, or impairing their everyday life, it's none. of. my. fucking. business. If that's what makes them happy, then have at it, go get that label!

And it doesn't matter how much something seems like an attempt to get oppression points for the internet clout. It doesn't matter if it seems to be in bad faith. Because unless the person outright admits to it themselves, we aren't in their brain and can never truly know if it's in "good faith". So why be a dick about it. Life is too precious to spend it hating on others who aren't hurting you. I will admit there are times I see someone coin or use a label I don't see as "valid". But now, if it truly bothers me, I recognize that as no one's problem but my own. The block button is free, and I can just move on and acknowledge there is nothing wrong with a person doing something that helps them express themselves.

[thomsong93]

Add something if you'd like

Very well.

Hello Tumblr, it's been a while. Why do I even have an account? I should just delete you.

Why can't I write this in a diary?

Is it because I have a glimmer of hope left that anything I write online may someday be read by anyone at all? Oh yes, absolutely.

One of my biggest nightmares is people not wanting to hear me. I dream of trying to express my emotions to people I love. And they don't want to listen.

And I'd have to see a psychologist to figure out why this terrifies the shit out of me. It might be the dreadful standard I hold. If no one receives me, I can not exist. To express and be heard, why does this feel like a meaningful life to me?

When I was young, I had very little in the way of friendships and family support. How did I cope? I don't remember. At what point did I learn to interact socially and raise the bar? At what point did I stop absorbing the world and people. When did I stop listening? And turned into this introspective, socially greedy person?

I want to be noticed when I have something to say. Is this greedy? Is it understandable?

Social media is this brilliant example of how I feel. I post something I think is very me. Or I just want to make people laugh. And nothing, not one like. Anyone out there? Preferably those I love?

Why is it, when I post something I'm excited about in the girls chat - no one replies? I just saw my last 5 messages received no comment. I don't even message a lot. No one interested at all?

How come people love to talk over top of me at a social gathering? Am I too slow at telling a story?

And then there's times where I think "No... I won't go to that party" and then it's "Where's Jo? I wanted her to be here"

But I literally do not understand. If anyone actually wants me around, why don't I feel heard? I assume the problem is obviously with me. I'm selfish, I have to be. To think that interactions have to be 'my' ideal way, for me to get any value from it.

Value? Why this? Am I a narcissist like my uncle?

Every time I put my foot down and make myself heard... it still isn't enough. I have this gut feeling I am not outwardly accepted by my loved ones. I am amusing, kind and a good friend perhaps. But truly appreciated, this I do not feel. And if it's just a broken wire in my brain, I want it fixed. I would very much like to feel heard the way I need to be.

This is where I often feel I should go silent. Not put out anything if I can't receive. To learn to function this way. Like when I was a kid. If I am not putting out anything, then only this is the reason I won't receive. Nothing to ponder, nothing further to dislike about myself. Nothing more to try.

But I don't like where that could lead. If you isolate yourself, surely you're going to become more prone to self harm and suicidal ideation. Like when I was a kid.

Though I guess you need breaks after so many fails. At times I want to take the phone off the hook. It is sometimes because I want to be found. It is still hope.

But. Every passing year. The same old patterns, over and over again.

I am starting to appreciate what hope I still have for myself. I fear the day it's all dried up.

What will happen to me then? And if the worst happened. Could have it been the right thing all along for me? Will I finally be at peace? That I know is a yes. That's for sure. Nothing is nothing and this is true peace.

Meanwhile. I want to wrap myself in my invisibility cloak. The survival skill I had as a kid. If you aren't seen, you can't get hurt. This was smart.

It is okay for me to rest from the pain.

[adhbabey]

here's some autism traits of mine that aren't symptoms, but they're things that are autism and im choosing to unmask n share this with you all.

biting. just i want bite fingers. i crave to put them in my mouth. i want to bite in general. i know its not socially acceptable to bite people, but i want to. i am a creacher and i cannote change that.

when i was like 14 i was really obsessed with random xd humor. I would say "ekop" instead of "poke", because its poke backwards. And I had this one friend I'd constantly do this with. like "rawr" and "cupcakez!1!1!". We were truly scene.

Speaking incredibly eloquently, as one alter put it, "Human language does not account for all the nuances that I wish to share, so I am using the language to its full extent, detailing every complicated sentence that I can muster. I wish to share my full thoughts and experiences, but it unfortunately does not do what I want to convey in justice. So I must settle for the english language for now." Some of our alters can't really speak because of that, and its difficult for them to communicate outside of visuals and vague feelings. It's really either hyperverbal or no verbality for us.

every fucking alter being some brand of autism. Tsuki is ace and hates to put a label on things, the only concrete feeling she has is anger. Rai can barely speak/communicate, they are very observant and quiet, and they feel the most disconnected from others being the host. Kaori is literally the most autistic creature you could ever come across, they are just literally what you think of, they love all the "cringe" culture type stuff and adore being nonbinary. etc etc. Like, how did I not realize when all of us are some brand of autism?

Feeling like an outsider my entire fucking life. Even when I related to others, I always felt separate from the rest of society, and I must sacrifice everything in order to be loved. This has been connected to spiritual beliefs of mine.

Another thing connected to spiritual beliefs of mine, feeling like I truly cannot see the world, as if I have a film over my eyes. The reason for my self entrapment is a "curse" that a "film" over my eyes exists and I never fully can break free from. I realize that the "film" is masking and my truly unique way of seeing the world is my autism, and I've had to move through the world not letting myself "see" truly.

alice in wonderland, coraline, fran bow, all characters I relate to are young and unique girls that move through a world that is crazy and full of madness. Something I find myself deeply relating to.

feeling misunderstood all the fucking time. even if i try to explain my feelings or thoughts, I'm constantly put on a high standard that I have not been able to achieve. I don't know how to change people's minds as I speak with genuine intent besides rather obvious displays of frustration, anger or sarcasm. I was also the person who thought others were always genuine, and rarely questioned one's intention behind what they said. This trait of mine has led me to become gaslit by a few harmful people in my life.

my disorders all linked together, makes for a bad time. this isnt an autism specific trait. i just. if i feel like an outsider (asd), and have trauma with being treated like an outsider (did), and get really upset with other people saying nasty things about me in regards to not being normal (adhd + rsd), im going to have a hard time and constantly blame myself for being an outsider (ocd) and im gonna hate myself (depression). so its just like. hey i found a piece to the puzzle, but i already know most of it. and thats just the egodystonic experience for me.

but hey, lets talk about more lighthearted stuff!! i love kandi!!!!! it jingle jingle and it has super pretty colours!! im afraid to stim but this is the shit for me. this is amazing.

i'd love to use word quirks and kaomojis a lot more!!! but unfortunately thats not the blog for this bc its not plaintext. but in my heart, thats what i want to do and who i want to be.

oh i remember the last one!! I read this somewhere, but apparently since a lot of autistic people struggle to communicate their needs, they'll do things that meet their needs somewhat, even if they don't know why they do it. For example, wearing hoodies and heavy clothes because they're touch starved and want to be hugged! And I really related to that!! I wear hoodies and lots of layers all the time, or like just wearing my day clothes, even if they're uncomfortable. So, I do that, not just because I'm cold, but I need the weight compressing me, and i've always been doing that since I was young. So I felt.

Not really being able to read big books until middle school. I know there's people who havent really talked until they were older, I remember not being able to comprehend big swaths of text until I was a teenager. maybe thats the audhd, but i feel like thats always been my sort of "i think this was my developmental milestones that i hit late". And yes, I was able to read quite a lot for my age, but it always felt like something that I hit late.

share your autism traits that aren't necessarily symptoms, or you can talk about the ones you relate to and I wrote. Sorry if this post is hard to read, I just wanted to talk about it. :0 so ya