#i'm tired of life picking on me!!
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ok but when is it my turn to be a menace to life
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A very happy birthday to an absolute menace, my beloved gremlin child, a truly special baby boy! May the 4th be with you!
A special thank you to @detshin, who is a true inspiration and partner in crime, who allowed me to draw this companion piece to her beautiful work of art (that you should totally check out if you haven't yet), bless you dearest💕
#detective conan#dcmk#meitantei conan#名探偵コナン#edogawa conan#fanart#the detective gremlin#detco posting#my stuff#i'M currently too tired to ramble but god i have so much to ramble about#i will totally make a separate post for rambling purposes later when my brain won't feel like it's smoking#happy birthday to this child who fckin took over my life#also you get 2 pictures bc one is made with phone camera#and the other is taken by an actual camera#hence the very different quality#but i couldn't decide which one to pick... at least i narrowed it down to two#ok i'm hitting post and then gonna have dinner bc i haven'T really eaten since breakfast (says me at 19:31 lmao)
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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need someone who loves me so much they have to lock my collar to their belt. love me so much you can't let me out of your sight.
#Oooo I need somebody to love me so bad they have to eat my flesh like it's their last meal#I'm sooo tired of being sidelined and abandoned and everyone's second choice#I need someone to go out of their way to Pick Me and Keep Me on Purpose.#I want to be loved so intensely that the idea of us going out without me on a leash doesn't even cross their mind#Of course I have a leash on im their Favorite Dog#show me off. Be proud of me. Love me love me love me#Sigh#Bark4it#Anyways. Dog at the pound#It's free#fully vaccinated#Just needs a good bath and a loving home#Is gonna be put down if it doesn't find an owner soon#Actually genuinely incredibly sick and tired of never being chosen. Always the one who gets left behind. Always the loser.#I would like . For once in my life. To fall deeply in love. And have it reciprocated. With ease. I want someone to find it easy to love me#But if it was easy how could I eroticize my suffering!!! how could I transform it into kink
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Hoping to take it easy after the show finished and it's just been 2 weeks of solid main work (all "urgent" suddenly) and brochure after brochure after brochure after logo design after fucking brochure every damned night for two weeks. I have proper solid time off in two weeks, but don't it always seem to go that you end up getting 16 motherfucking hours of work a day every day when it leads up to it ughhh
#YES i avoided work on the weekend but that just meant I did housework instead lol#YES I'm actually living a fuckin sweet life yo#YES i'm still burnt out and yes this is definitely me avoiding picking up the damned computer again jfc#the marketing lady wrote me notes about a docs section overhaul and it's as clear as fucking mud#but I've got to do it tonight beacuse I have a meeting about it in the morning#like the dude was badgering me to see the finished work 4 business hours after we'd had a meeting about it last week#like fam. FAM. fuck OFF#it takes 4 fucking hours for the repo to update#and I've got 2 other “urgent” things to that I haven't done because they've been badgering me so hard on this one#this is all fine really I'm just super tired and out of whack a bit still#so I be stresssssed even tho I consciously know I don't need to be#but I am like a stress sponge. It just soaks right up as soon as there's a mild inconvenience#UGHHHH okay I'll get back to it#text tag
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i would do anything for a hard cider rn except going to the store and buying one or using a delivery app or asking a friend. anything......
#i am the sweatiest i've ever been in my entire life and my roommate got in the shower 10 seconds before i got to the bathroom door#the thought of getting the car atm repulses me and the thought of paying someone to go into 7/11 to pick up one angry orchard can is absurd#why can't one just appear in my fridge already chilled if i think about it hard enough :( like what gives :(#sorry i am very tired and very hungry but mostly tired and i don't want to do homework i want to be tipsy for 40 minutes and then Sleep#well i wanted to drink the cider with dinner but i've already microwaved it twice and doing so any more would start to make it go weird#you know how it is with green beans#might go to the store after i've showered but at that point i'll be in my pjs and i have issues surrounding wearing pjs outside bc i'm the#most normal and well adjusted girl in the entire world. just btw.#can someone drop 1 off i will pay you back 🙏#save me my psionic warriors. my psionic warriors save me......#i am once again apologizing this has gone on long enough#a post
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Your impulse to believe every last bad thing people say about a guy and then if that guy is victimized by those people or the people who spread the rumors you dont even try to look into if thats even the case, you just assume hes bad by default-- yeah thats incredibly unfair to guys who are victims of abuse.
#so here i am having to heal my trauma on my own bc people think im a bad person. cool.#and then people would use me as an argument point 'this is why men who use guys who are victims of abuse as an argument need#to actually do something to show they care' she said so smugly. knowing those guys wont give that guy any care no matter how#correct she is about sussing them out on their bullshit.#so instead im being given 0 options at all bc both men and women want to use me as an argument jumping off point rather than see#me as a real human right here right now whos suffering and in need of aid.#you're arguing about giving me a place to stay right in front of me. and at the end of the day neither of you actually want to help#create a space for me to heal anyways. im just another talking point to you. left in the dust. left to try to figure out how to heal#myself alone all over again. something I never expected to have to do in feminist spaces- spaces I intentionally entered to get healing#about ANOTHER abuse that happened to be as a kid- though if im honest I never really found healing in such spaces its all kinda just#hating on men for the most part- so truly like the rest of my entire shit life i've had to learn how to heal my trauma all alone. which isn#great nor ideal since on my own im bound to pick up worse coping mechanisms than if I actually got help from others. and lord knows#I have *motions to the scars on my arms* but yknow you'd rather use me as a talking point rather than be what I thought you were-#the last resort I had to maybe actually finally get some actual fucking help with my trauma.#vent#to say im disappointed is an understatement. i'm more just sad at this point. i'm tired of being promised better and then its shit.
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I need to clean my room now. It is dire.
#im so embarrassed it looks like shit over here#i cleaned the kitchen bc my ex was picking up stuff but i KNOW she saw my room#what a fucking shitshow#that box of her things is gone now all ive got left is a handful of rose petals and a second hand coffee maker#and a flannel#all that for a quick 2 monthish relationship#i deeply regret rushing into things but I have poor judgement so.#heres to ruining everything good thats ever happened to me via my own choices 🍻 free will baby#I'm so mad right now even though i shouldn't be#the text thing really got to me idk if things can be ok#like yeah turns out when you hear all your fears verbalized insultingly by another person instead of just in your brain it hits harder??#Just felt like a line was being crossed#anyway#when you spill your guts to another person i guess you gotta expect to have shit flung back at you in the worst possible moment#I suck at keeping my mouth shut that's what happens when you stop journaling#you want to actually confide in others#And don't think I don't know that thats what im doing now#online!!#im unbelievably tired of it all#i wasn't built for this kind of life#ive got no friends. my job doesn’t pay me enough to live. ive got no will to feed myself. etc etc etc#worst of all i have to live with myself#because God knows i can't do anything about it#vile-wizard.txt
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hhhhhhhhhh being annoyed with someone and knowing you're in the wrong about it is the fucking worst
#i have a friend where every fucking time i talk to them i just hear about how bad their life is#'undergrad was so bad and it's so rough and my master's was so isolating'#'also i'm having a bad time and i'm still not over my toxic relationship that ended four years ago' like bro i do not care.#i stopped caring like a year and a half ago#and i know i'm being a bitch! i know it's callous and mean of me to be sitting here going 'goddamn man get the fuck over it'#'oh i lost so much time i could be better off in my career by now....' too bad!! the time is gone anyway!!! everyone progresses#at different rates!!!!!#it has already happened! it's over! it's done! it's time to pick yourself up and move on!#and i know i'm being mean!#i don't say these things out loud at all bc i know it's cruel but i have hit my limit!#i have played therapist with them for years now and i'm tired! i don't fucking care! get your shit together or shut up!!#again. i know i'm being a bitch. i know this! but goddamn. i'm so fucking tired.
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my s/i for h.aar is a fellow wyvern rider and soldier, has a pet wyvern named olive that she loves dearly. for many many years, ash has been tying red ribbons into bows on olive's horns so that, even when they're in battle, olive can look super cute!
however, as ash and h.aar grow closer, so do their wyverns! eventually h.aar's wyvern (who I call damien) starts nudging and softly growling at ash because he wants ribbons too!!! he wants to match with olive!!!
#ash rambles 💚#i showed you my wyvern please respond 💤#i just think it's sooo cute!#ash has a bit of a thing for wyverns ajsjajsj theyre her favorite thing ever! shes usually a bit serious but shes always smiling when#shes talking to olive. it's what makes h.aar go 'oh. goodness. she isnt just sexy soldier lady. shes cute girl that makes me happy'#love is stored in your massive pet wyvern#in the future ash and h.aar get married and settle down on the countryside! they never pick up weapons again. ever.#they run that same cargo business h.aar has in game + they raise baby wyverns! they never have any children of their own#(ash teases and says that any children from h.aar will be ugly and sleepy like he is but it's a mutual agreement to not have any)#theyre very happy together with olive damien and their wyvern baby#idk it's just such a cute life!!! I'm so happy for them! theyre both so tired of war and I'm glad they get to live faaar away from it#but back to the og point of this post. massive wyvern with cute ribbons!!!#it's very therapeutic to ash to be able to climb olive pet her + talk to her + tie her ribbons#shes been with olive since she was in her late teens-early 20s#(shes just a little younger than h.aar so in her early-mid 30s in-game)#i have three t.ellius s/is! my t.ibarn one is a fierce queen of the hawks who leads her people with pride#the wyvern-obsessed beorc that we see here#and. of course. m.uarim has the black cat laguz that likes climbing things and goes meow meow and purrs if you pet her ^._.^#okay i think thats it akdjajsjs ive rambled enough for one post
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"was there a reason you didn't cancel this" honestly I thought I had so no there wasn't a reason but also if clients are going to have Your personal number and reach out to You about canceling (when they Should be reaching out via email per our cancelation policy) then You should be canceling the appt anyway imo. all the other trainers cancel their appointments AND add their appointments to the system 🤪
#noah.txt#also I do realize my annoyance is unwarranted but also I'm sosososo tired of this job#she's thinking about closing down for a month for renos and she's not going to pay anyone for that month#and she's not sure if she's going to set it up where we can file unemployment or if she's going to#make us be freelancers under the company name#also she booked an appt but didn't put it in the system and didnt Tell Me and someone put in a booking request for that day/time#and it's frustrating b/c the whole reason she wanted clients to be able to book via the online portal is to#make my job easier/more automated but it's not easier when I'm having to email 5 clients because she cant be fucked to learn the system#then I'm talking to a coworker about how my doctor said I need to get my stress down#and she has the AUDACITY to ask me if she's contributing to the stress#like... yeah you're like the primary stressor in my life because I got hired for an hourly position 2 years ago#yet you treat me like I'm a salary employee who is supposed to be on call#and yeah it's frustrating and stressful to feel like I can never fully relax b/c you might need something#and it's even more frustrating when the things she needs she'll call me about. I won't answer b/c I'm busy#then I'll call her back and she'll be like ''oh I looked for it after I got voicemail''#okay so you don't THINK to do a little investigating before calling me during my time off?#very funny to me that I've been in a therapy session talking about her and she will call me (I do not answer)#my job was not and is not to be a personal assistant yet that is the position I've been forced into#and quite frankly I do not get paid enough to deal with being a personal assistant to#an immature people pleasing 34 year old woman who lacks basic empathy and doesn't give a shit about her employees#like I wanted to like her! I want to like her! she's gay and Jewish! but she also stinks of white rich kid privilege#also she's having a baby with her wife and this is a baby she actively does not want and a baby they're having to fix their marriage#which is a very tough thing for me to watch from the sidelines#she also is always picking apart peoples appearances and shes also told me she would probably leave her wife if she grew her hair out#anyway there's a lot more on a personal and professional level but my break is over
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i am so tired of being in the middle of other people's drama
#i literally just get dragged right on in because idk. i'm quiet and people feel like i'm someone they can confide in#and its good that they see me that way but like. do u have to put me in the middle of it. do u have to make me pick a side.#when its 2 people that i know do u literally have to make me choose between u. or fix your problems for u.#im so tired u guys#sometimes i wish i could just live my life without talking to anyone ever#₊˚⊹⋆˚☂︎ bunny babbles ₊˚⊹⋆˚
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I can't tell you how much I don't care about age gap discourse. I don't care that he's 700 years old and she's 17! if it's not something you could criticize in real life then I don't care! I. don't. care!
#if immortals dating teenagers makes you uncomfortable then like okay more power to you#i guess don't read/watch shit with those kinds of age gaps#but like to me it's kind of silly ro nitpick fabtastical age gaps#like there are vampires/faeries/insert immortal beings#i simply do not care to hold those kinds of stories to modern dating morality I'm not sorry#(and tbh I'm pretty forgiving of normal life age gaps if they're handled in interesting and nuanced ways#like if one character is 24 and the other is 16 but there is a moral struggle and resistance there then who cares#would i ever condone that irl? absolutely not! but fiction is fiction who fucking cares#if you personally don't want to interact with those stories then don't but imo they're not inherently problematic just by existing)#anyways that's my rant I'm tired of age gap discourse#make the age gaps larger!! a seven thousand year old wizard falling for a nineteen year old go!#(*actually i do have one caveat#I'm approaching this from an adult perspective and i understand sometimes younger readers are more impressionable#and for younger readers i actually think real life age gaps can't be explored well because younger readers often don't pick up on the nuance#and larger than life fantastical age gaps actually serve the purpose much better in YA)
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— OCS RED FLAGS.
i was tagged by @denerims and @risingsh0t to take this quiz for my ocs, thank you both sooo much!!
i'm tagging @arklay @nuclearstorms @morvaris @uldwynsovs @devilbrakers @faarkas @girlbosselrond @indorilnerevarine @shadowglens @jacobseed @lightwardens and whoever wants to do this <3
VIOLENT
when something makes you upset, it could even be the tiniest most petty reason ever, you yell, rage, and possibly throw stuff in anger. your actions think quicker than your mind, and it could probably not even be intentional but the next thing you'll realize is that you've hurt someone
MANIPULATIVE
you're probably a passive aggressive person. you frequently lie, and gaslight to get your way. you never want to be held responsible for your actions so you avoid situations by either victimizing yourself, belittling others concerns, hiding the truth, and using threats to harm yourself or others
FAKE
you are a toxic human being. you belittle others, and are overly competitive. you probably envy those who have it better than you so you try to manipulate the person into feeling worthless so that you can feel superior. you are never there for your friends in time of need but you expect them to always be at your service
#tag games#in my scared to tag ppl era once again. might be bc i'm tired ksjfkf so really if i didnt tag u this time go ahead and say i did!!#anyways. (twirling my hair) oh so u all have red flags? tell me more#this quiz was so funny for dragging them all into the dirt i actually took it for many others but the amount of 'fake' i got was embarassin#to be fair i picked my worst piece of shit ocs which explains the fake results kfjsnfk for example both akira & eva got it. akira would#be like mh and what about it? also took it for fenix and he got manipulative well!! he's a blonde man what can u expect#anyways vesper getting violent well we knew. girl has problems dealing with her rage. moira is a bit of a surprise and i don't see her as#manipulative in her daily life u know. with ppl she cares and so on. it's fuckin mojave. she's going to manipulate gaslight girlboss her#way around it and all the crazy bitches that live in there. vio's is just funny tho. reading the result was like (nodding & ticking off a#list) fair...fr. fair again. she's a lost cause. but my lost cause i love so dearly....#oc: vesper#oc: moira#oc: violante
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hm. maybe..... it's not that important?
#mind blowing thoughts at 10:40 watching youtube in bed stressed out of my mind#maybe. it just. doesn't really matter#i will apply to grad school and i will try but like. life will keep going whether or not it's perfect#i will find more schools and will apply to them#and if i apply to enough one of them will take me#so maybe it's not that important? maybe i don't need to feel this much panic over a resume and a ~1000 word essay#maybe my sexuality doesn't really matter#maybe literally no one cares#i can be whatever and it's chill. i could decide i am only attracted to transformers and i don't think anyone would give a fuck#maybe my gender is just 🤷🏼 and whoop dee do.#maybe i'll get top surgery just because i'm tired of living in discomfort#and maybe that doesn't mean anything besides. i don't want this pain anymore#it's just..... not that important#this isn't a big thing i don't think but it feels revolutionary#maybe i don't have to take on all this stress and worry because... maybe it's not important#life will keep going no matter what i pick or choose or do or feel or say#and that seems more important than anything else
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Wondering if I feel weird about jobs bc I have almost exclusively worked high stress high turnover jobs
#I'm the most senior tech in my pharmacy and i haven't even been there for a full year yet#i think i need to re-establish a work/life balance bc im just so tired. i need to let myself have my silly hobbies or SOMETHING#the extra money is nice but I'm really paying for it and i can't let this keep going#it's like. I'm seeing my friends get jobs and i wanna be happy for them but i think about how#when I'm out of work for a few days and I'm prepping to go back. I'll just sit on the edge of my bed and look at the floor#and think about how i do want more time to myself. to read. to draw. to not spend 8 hours on the floor#and that feeling comes up every time someone else mentions entering the workforce#it's an almost existential sort of dread for me#and let me be clear - i actually don't hate my job. people are another beast entirely but my actual job? not terrible at all imo#it just. takes a lot of time and energy and it makes me feel concerned for other people picking up jobs#but i mean. I'm also disabled in multiple ways and need more rest anyways; not everyone functions like me#but it's still a nagging feeling that comes back to me every so often U_U#shai speaks
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