#i'm going to relive my childhood and you can't stop me

[teethhoarder]

I kinda miss when we all agreed that 2P England was a cupcake making serial killer. c'est la vie.

[scremogirl]

HEAR ME OUT PLS!... reader whos fine w casually/non casually/no romantic fucking... this prompt is sickening LITERALLY as long as reader gets birth control/condoms theyre ay-okay with it

(doesnt need 2 be added:D FIND WHAT U THINK SUITS UR WRITING ATM)

example js

reader scrolling on their phone while nerd is rearranging their guts

or

council president railing reader while theyre in a mating press on a chair

or

childhood friend who didnt even have to ask you to take care of their problem since middle school(?)

seems like NONCHALANT!Reader but this reader just doesnt care abt what they want and just cares for their friends...in their own way...Add whatever u like sosa!!!! <3

stawppp it.

(presents an AFAB reader)

Yandere! Nerd has been so pent up lately and never has time to relive his stress. With all the club meetings, preparing for college and the love of his life ignoring him, it's obvious he's got a lot on his plate. Therefore, when he finally has the time to let loose, there's no way he could bother with protection.

"Please, baby? I know how much you like it raw anyways. You're still on the pill right? oh what he hell, it's not like you care that much. You have been a little snippy with him lately so he deserves this much. The only problem with is that you can't be bothered with putting in that much effort. So here you are now laying flat on your stomach while Yandere! Nerd pounds your brains out.

"Ugh fuckkk angel, it feels so gooddd," his heavy breathing and the light blush on your cheeks make you clench around him harder. You make him pull out as you roll yourself over on your back. You grab your phone again as he shoves himself back in you. You angle your camera to where your hips meet, occasionally aiming it at his face. He cums so much that when he pulls out some of it lands in the camera lens.

!Ping!

Angel😇💕💍: 1 attachment

Angel😇💕💍: srry I can't be there tdy. cramps and what not.

enjoy this instead :p

When do you get off your period again?

Sigh. How's he supposed to work like this?

Yandere! Council president rubs his temples and lets out a deep sigh of frustration. The council is having an after school celebration along with some club members because of last weeks fundraiser.

They did well but someone needs to count all of the funds and there's no way he'll trust anyone else do it.

He stands from his chair opening the door, on his way to tell them to keep it down bug to his surprise your on the other side of the door.

"What're you doing here?"

"I go to school here," he sighs at your blunt behavior.

“Yes, I know that. I mean what are you doing at school after hours?" you held up a bag of food and he already knew what you were gonna say before you said it. He opens the door to let you in, relived that at least one thing can cheer him up.

"Besides." you continue

"I'm horny. I was gonna get a quick one out before I went back but then I remembered you were here. I can obviously see your not feeling well and Im in the mood for something rough: take it out on me,"

The chair bangs against the table as you legs are pressed against your head. Who knew you were this flexible? He'll have to keep that in mind for later, right now he's focused on shooting his load as deep as he can. The music outweighs your moans and isn't until you here a loud bang on the door that you stop.

"(Y/N)? You in there? We're about to start truth or dare. Julie's gonna dare Chris to jump ass naked into the school pool. You don't wanna miss it." says a voice from outside the door.

“I’ll - fuck I'll be out in a second. Ate to much, ugh dip y'know; a little full," and with that they leave.

Yandere! CP turns your face towards him with an animalistic sneer.

"The only thing you'll be full of is my cum."

Please take a plan B 🙏🏾

(You guys are seniors here!!!)

Everyone's masturabted before, let's be honest.

Curious minds wanting to feed their growing sexual appetite. So when Yandere! Childhood friend came to you about his little problem, it was your duty as his best friend to help.

"(Y/N) it hurtssss! Just look how red the tip is!" on queue it twitches and pulses under your gaze.

Jeez the guy has no shame does he? He grabs the base, stroking his hard cock under his strong palm. It didn't take you much conniving since you were already on your knees before him.

"Oh shit baby! Gonna let me pump it all down your throat? Ughh, gonna-gonna milk all of it outta me princess I swear,” he says between pants, continuing throat fuck you. His orgasm nears as he grabs the base of your neck and forces you down on him. Spit and cum dribbling down your child and into your chest. He paints your face and swipes his fingers on your face before forcing it back into your mouth. After you all cleaned, you stand to your knees After you all cleaned, you stand to your knees sitting on the couch turning on Lilo and Stitch.

"Make some popcorn for us will ya?"

You literally suck the soul outta him and then ask him to do something other than go another round; he’s gonna do it but damn 😭

[ang3lb1iss]

Notre Dame | paris paloma | Part 1 of 2 

Word count: 2.7k 

Pairing: James Potter x F!Bestfriend Reader 

Summary: Hogwarts years | You were James’ best friend since first year. Throughout your years at Hogwarts, you had started to develop a crush on James, but you refused to act on your feelings due to the fact James only ever had eyes for Lily. Now you're sitting at his funeral, reminiscing about the past and you can't help but feel regret and guilt. 

Authors note: This is my first fic /one-shot so forgive me if it isn't that great to read, I just found it fun being able to interpret lyrics into stories about characters I love. The story loosely follows the Marauders scenes in the HP movies. I picture James with either a scouse accent or a really chavvy London accent, but you can picture him however you want. I apologise in advance if the tenses get mixed up, the story is made up of the reader looking back on the past and reliving certain moments. 

______________________________________________________________

‘I'm in the rafters looking down  It's cold up here  Between walls of stone  I made my home’ 

The church is cold and dim. Especially in the upstairs seating, which is where you are situated. As you try to listen to the speeches full of childhood memories and happier times, you can't help but lose focus and think about the what-ifs and how things could've gone differently. If you had never met James in that cabin on the way to Hogwarts, you wouldn’t be feeling this pain and heartache, but you also wouldn’t have had such a joyful and exciting time at the school. Hindsight is a funny thing after all. “What if it was me and not Lily? Why wasn’t it me? Why did I have to fall for him?” You wonder what the answers to these questions could be, but the harsh truth is that you never will, and you will live with the never-ending ambiguity until the day you die. 

‘And the air hangs heavy with the incense  Feathers fall from pigeons  Cooing in the tower’ 

Your first year, you remember it all so clearly. You were looking to find a cabin for the journey to Hogwarts, but the majority were filled, and in the rest, there were stone-faced older kids that openly sneered at you anytime you walked past them. Until you found his cabin. 

 He was the only one in there and you thought that he looked somewhat friendly, so you decided to take a chance. It ended up being one of the best decisions you’ve ever made. 

 He welcomed you in with a bright smile on his face, despite looking like his face would split with how wide his smile was, he asked you the standard questions, “What's your name? What house d’ya think you'll be in? D’ya want to be mates?” Of course, I wanted to be friends with him, I probably would have been miserable without him in my life but then again, I wouldn’t be so heartbroken now. Hindsight is a funny thing after all. 

You can recall the way his eyes gleamed when he introduced himself as James. James. Tears sprung to your eyes, making your surroundings go blurry. You can't help but miss the way he proudly said he was a Gryffindor “where dwell the brave at heart” and how Slytherin was full of “evil prats and I'd rather die than be in Slytherin.” You had always admired his pride and how he never let anything upset him too much or for too long. 

That is of course until Lily Evans became more vicious and spiteful in her rejections and jabs. Whenever James was insulted by his “Lilyflower” he let it break down his nonchalant persona and let it cut him deeper than any knife ever could. His Lilyflower. The common factor in all your suffering, you couldn’t blame her of course, it wasn’t her fault that a big oaf like James Potter fell in love with her. But it's not like that fact softened the blow in any way. 

You decided to stop that train of thought before you cried even harder. Instead, you choose to remember when the Trolley Lady came to the door and being breath taken at the assortment of sweet treats. Upon looking in your purse which was just a pouch, you’d realised that you didn’t have enough to get the Bertie Botts Every flavour Beans that you would've liked, with disappointment quickly replacing your awestruck expression, you had declined and took to looking out the window instead of having to see the trolley taunting you with all its colours and designs.  

That’s when you heard him. 

“We’ll take the lot of ‘em” you heard him say and you had insisted that he shouldn’t be wasting his money on you, but he simply drowned out your pleas and focused on the shock of the Trolley Lady. He was always so generous. 

After much reluctance and countless Thank you’s, you'd decided to have a few cauldron cakes and indulge in a chocolate frog when a small timid boy opened the compartment door and asked if anyone had seen his toad, he introduced himself as Peter Pettigrew and he ended up sitting with the both of you for the rest of the journey while you had pulled out a book to read and ended up falling asleep with your head leaning on the compartment wall. 

‘I rarely go down there, the view's just so beautiful from here  And I can see everybody at their worst points  At their worst points’ 

You start to remember the moment you openly started looking at James differently. It was the end of third year, and he had just won the quidditch match between Gryffindor and Slytherin after declaring during dinner in the great hall that Gryffindor was 100% going to win and he would “wipe his arse with the slithering bastards”.  

You also remember his mumbling and moaning about having to go to detention and you remember him being too busy laying his head on your lap when you both were in your dorm and going to sleep while you read a book. 

 But there he was on his broom hovering above the crowd that had formed to celebrate the win with him. The noise of screams, chants and shouts reverberated across the entirety of the school grounds. The thought of it making you shiver. While James was practically the same shade as the snitch by how brightly his smile was beaming, you were perfectly content with watching him from the Gryffindor stands and away from the chaos that was the Quidditch pitch. 

To this day you can still feel the way your heart skipped a beat when he looked up and smiled at you. At least you thought it was at you. You noticed his wet hair, whether it was because of the rain, him sweating or a combination of both, you didn’t care. His curly dark brown hair that normally looked so fluffy and messy that you just wanted to run your hands through it and make it somewhat tidier.  

His arms that made his jersey look to be too tight, it made you picture scenarios with him being able to carry you places when you got too tired, fighting someone who tried to hurt you. You are still quite ashamed to admit the times when you got flustered at the thought of him using them to pin you against a wall and having a heated makeout session in a broom cupboard. 

Thoughts aside, you had decided to retire to your dorm for a quick nap. The cold can be very tiring. You gathered your things and stood up only to see Lily Evans, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew sat together directly behind you. You hadn't even noticed them while you watched James previously. 

Lily and Peter said hello while Remus only managed an awkward tight-lipped smile. You and Remus didn’t become friends until your seventh year when you both bonded over being unrequited lovers. The reason for this being that you always felt like he could see through you. He knew things about people before they even knew it themselves which always made you paranoid that he could see your feelings for James and tell him, and as a result, ruining the best friendship you ever had. At least I don’t need to be paranoid anymore.  

Your mind skipped to fifth year, when you were sitting with the Marauders on a warm sunny day, exams had just ended, and you all were just waiting for the results to be calculated. That’s when you heard the boys get up and walk over to a nearby tree. You looked over and saw a mop of stringy black hair and a pale face with an expression of distaste painted on his face. Snivellous,, the foul git.  

You had chosen to stay far back enough that you could still see what happens clearly but ensured you weren't too close as to avoid McGonagall's wrath if she were to show up at the scene.  

The next thing you knew was that Snivellous was hanging upside down in mid-air. Levicorpus. You remember coming across the charm in the library with Sirius and James while looking for more spells for future pranks. You never got involved in the pranks because you didn’t fancy sitting in a silent room for an hour for detention or, Merlin forbid, whatever task Filch might've issued you with. 

There was always a slight rift between you and Sirius because of your refusal to get involved in pranks, he would never have outwardly said it in front of James or Peter because of their loyalty to you, but he disliked how you would only ever consider helping them if James had asked you. You were the only girl in Hogwarts he couldn’t sway with his charm and good looks. And Merlin did it get him jealous. Not that you had noticed back then at least. 

You ended that tangent before it made you spiral down a rabbit hole of confusion. You thought back the past, Snape was being held high by none other than James Potter. His fluffy green Slytherin socks and the sparse leg hair upon his dry ashen legs, were left on display for everyone to see. You had wondered what provoked James into performing such a spell. But your question was left unanswered as your attention had gone to Snape being dropped back onto the ground and Lily Evans being called a “Filthy Mudblood.” by her old childhood best friend. 

If anger meant seeing red, then James wasn’t seeing anything but of blind rage. “Don’t you dare call her that word you vile, disgusting creature.” There was an array of insults and cussing until Lily had brought him back to his senses. She told Snivellous to piss off and she waited until he was far enough away to round on James and unleash the anger that had been building inside her for years. 

You couldn’t hear what she said due to the fact she had put a silencing charm on the area but based off what James whimpered and whined about while he dreamt in your bed with you for comfort, she had probably said something along the lines of “I would rather kill myself then ever be your girl, Potter.” Hindsight is a funny thing after all. You couldn’t help but feel a pang of your heart at the fact that his soul had latched onto Lily and not you, not even giving you a chance.  

That was the night you realised that you would never get the guy. You will forever be condemned to loving James Potter. Your life will continue to be tormented with the possibilities that could've happened, the dreams that made you weep with despair and the everlasting longing and desire slowly encasing your heart until it breaks and shatters. James Potter was the light of your life, but he also caused the darkness that it left behind. James Potter was the sun, but now everything has gone dark. 

‘I'm not a sadist, I enjoy just being able to be witness of the loneliness and fear  I abhor in case there isn't one  In case there isn't one’ 

After that night, after your tragic discovery had become the only thing running through your head. You had pathetically tried to recover the way you saw James before you fell for him. You tried for 2 long years with no luck. He still had your attention and heart, and yet he didn’t realise he had either. So, when the Marauders split for the night, you decided to ask for help. 

You were suffocating with the grief and the mourning of what could've been. And you needed someone to help you breathe. 

With Peter and Sirius headed to the dorm, James doing his Head-Boy patrols with Lily, it was only you and Remus left in the library, the map and the invisibility cloak set to the side until you both decided to leave. It turns out you didn’t even need to say anything because Remus knew exactly what was going through your head. 

He saw the adoration in your eyes when you looked at your best friend, he saw the longing and upset you tried to hide when you heard him constantly talk about marrying Lily and having “Mini Potters” with her. No matter how well you tried, you couldn’t help but subtly display your inner turmoil. 

And Remus saw it all.  

“You're in love with James, aren't you, I see the way your eyes shine brighter, and your smile gets bigger when he enters the room. But he doesn’t love you back and you know it. I know you know it. And I know you’ve known it for years now. But I know what it's like, it feels like a constant weight on your chest and when they walk in the room, it disappears even if you try to hold it down, but then their presence, their joy, their affection for someone else, drains you, the energy you put in to try make them notice your love just gets brushed away until eventually it leaves you so empty that you become a hollow shell of the person that fell for them all that time ago.” 

“I can't tell you how to get rid of it simply because I don’t know how to, but I can offer you some advice that I should've taken before it was too late. Leave, Leave them alone. Leave their life. It'll suck balls for the first while I'm sure but by staying you're degrading yourself. All your insecurities and the suffering you're facing now will pass. This is doomed love sweetheart. You're slowly breaking down. Leave. Before you can't piece yourself together again.” 

And with that he leaves the library. 

How are you supposed to leave his life? How are you supposed to keep him out of yours? The questions won't stop plaguing your mind, do you take Remus's advice and move on, or do you ignore him and feel your heart pull and crack every time you see him. The choice will be the most difficult one you will ever make and yet it’s the one that needs to be made. 

You walk into potions the next day, you thought that it would help make a choice if you avoided him for a day as a trial. Instead of sitting in your normal seat, you walked over and sat beside a Ravenclaw who you believed was called Pandora.  

The Marauders walked in and sat at their tables; you avoided James’ gaze when you looked over to you in confusion, but Remus diverted his attention elsewhere. You had inwardly thanked Remus for helping you out. 

As the lesson went on everything got worse and your decision became clearer and clearer. 

Since the year started, James had started to think twice about the pranks, he acted more mature in general and overall started becoming a man. All of this was for Lily of course. You couldn’t help but ask yourself if he would do the same thing for you if he chose you in the first place. 

You were taking notice of all the little things that you're usually too delusional to notice. 

How every time he made a joke or laughed; he would glance at Lily. You could feel your heart in your throat. 

How he would wink and smirk at her when he got an answer correct. A tear forms in your eye. 

How he would look over at her to make sure she understood the topic. Another tear forms. 

How he whispers the answer in her ear if she doesn’t know it. Another one 

How he shines with pride when Professor Slughorn appraises her. Another. 

More tears form until you couldn’t stop them anymore. Thankfully the class was dismissed, and you quickly left before the tears fell and left a salty trail down your cheek. A representation of your life back then. Although in thinking that you can't help but notice that it didn’t get any better. Hindsight is a funny thing after all. 

[satureja13]

Jack and Ji Ho went to the beach again. Sai is feeling a bit better since he talked to Vlad. And the water and the sun is soothing Jack's pain.

Jack: "I will talk to Sai today. If I don't get help soon I will fall for Kiyoshi again and that can't happen. Like - at all. We will have to return back home to the others eventually and we're stuck there together and I don't know for how long I will be able to resist him and then it's going to go downhill with me again..." Ji Ho: "I'm going to try to convince Saiwa too to let us try the AI Therapist. We can still stop if it doesn't work. But we should at least try and see what it can do for us. I trust Arturo. Maybe it can even heal your pain?"

When they returned, Vlad was already gone and Sai even got up to grill for them. Ji Ho to Jack: "That's a good sign, right?"

Jack hates to upset Saiwa but he gathered all his courage: "Saiwa... uhm. Do you think it maybe is possible to give Tiny Can a try?" Saiwa: "Ok." Jack: "We can stop anytime if there's anything weird." Saiwa: "Ok."

Jack: "And Tiny Can still has his own conscience and he loves me, so he wouldn't let the AI hurt us." Saiwa: "Ok." Jack: "I really need help. I can't fall for Kiyoshi again. You know what happened last time... Wait - what? Ok?" (How Ji Ho is not very helpful haha but at least he listened what Saiwa said so it wasn't necessary to help Jack ^^')

Saiwa: "But one little weirdness and it's over!" Jack: "Ok..."

They went to one of the empty bedrooms. Saiwa already had prepared everything and even put some inspirational posters on the walls. And he'd modified Tiny Can so no data of them can go out. And nothing from the outside in. Tiny Can is isolated now and Saiwa already checked his code for malware a while ago at home. There is also an emergency button to shut him off immediately should he try something weird...

And so they started their therapy with Tiny Can as an AI Therapist. It is still set up as a group therapy. Saiwa, Jack and Ji Ho trust each other blindly and know everything about their struggles anyway. It's safer to not consult the AI alone. Tiny Can asked them to talk about their expectations and what they want to achieve with the therapy. Jack started. He was so excited to talk to Tiny Can that it was easy for him to tell him everything. Ji Ho was a bit more hesistant. Even though Saiwa and Jack know anything about his childhood trauma, he's not in the state today to relive it all over again. And so he talked about Vlad and him. That was easier. And Saiwa wasn't even able to talk at all. (And all of this is ok. The therapy is there to help you. And whatever helps you is ok. It's the therapists job to help you. No need to hold back or try to please them. They'd seen worse. I had many therapists in my life and I did make a lot of mistakes. No good therapist will be mad at you when you make the therapy 'yours'. Look what helps you and what not and talk about it. I know that's hard and I wasn't able to do it myself, but now I know that it's necessary to make your therapy a success. I often blamed the therapists, but it was my own fault.)

After the introduction and 'What brings you to therapy?', Tiny Can asked the usual questions: - How does this problem make you feel? - What makes the problem better? - Why does that make you feel this way?

Saiwa started to cry. Everything that had stacked up in him broke free. Their time in the Lab, his problems with Jeb and the pressure he's under as their leader. (And that's ok too. Actually a few people I know cried a lot in their therapy (and me too). And they said they felt better afterwards. No need to be ashamed of. Your therapist can handle it and they won't judge you. It's their job and they know it's necessary sometimes.)

After the therapy ended, Ji Ho pondered a lot about his feelings. He'd locked them away a long time ago. When life became unbearable for him in the slums of Sulani. Maybe that's the reason he can't love Vlad? But why was he able to love Luci? Did the Bond make him feel it? Did it show him a glimpse of love and of what could be possible with Vlad? This glimpse was indeed worth trying to love him. Ji Ho had never felt before what he felt for Luci.

'How could they know just what this message means? The end of my hopes, the end of all my dreams How could they know the palace there had been Behind the door where my love reigned as queen?

But all that's left is a place dark and lonely A terraced house in a mean street back of town Becomes a shrine when I think of you only Just two up, two down'

No Milk Today - Herman's Hermits (from Beat Club 1966!)

From the Beginning  ~  Underwater Love ~  Latest 🕹️ 'Therapy Game' from the beginning ▶️ here 📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 17-22 ~ 23-28

[illarian-rambling]

Thanks for the tags @inseasofgreen @theink-stainedfolk and @drchenquill!

OC Questionaire (Mega Edition)

My questions:

What's the one place you wish you could be at this very moment?

Who do you go to the most for emotional support?

Do you tend to be a night owl or an early bird?

Are you petty?

Do you forgive easily?

Would you describe yourself as very emotional?

What's one thing you wish people understood about you?

If you could relive any moment in your life, what would it be and why?

What's a habit you wish you could break?

I think I'll answer for my little freak of a fae ghost, Pash

What's the one place you wish you could be at this very moment?

Hell, if I know. Anywhere, I guess. I've always wanted to see the world, but never managed it, so drop me any place and I'll probably be happy.

Who do you go to the most for emotional support?

Bah, I don't need emotional support! I'm Fair Folk. I do what I please and take what I want. ...But Anarac is a really great listener when I need to talk, just don't tell anyone I said that.

Do you tend to be a night owl or an early bird?

Night owl, for sure. I'm a musician by trade, so I'm used to late hours and lazy mornings. They always say you can sleep when you're dead, and I've found that to be true, but it hasn't stopped me from staying up til the crack of dawn many a time.

Are you petty?

A fellow once said my hair looked funny during a show, so I snuck up to his room and dyed his beard green. Never even learned the bastard's name. Does that answer your question?

Do you forgive easily?

In the Exumbra Hive, you learn not to take things personally. I don't care if someone trips me because they think it's funny - I'll get them back when I sleep with their wife. We're all out for our own pleasure in this world, so you can't get mad when someone steps on your toes following what they want. You'd do the same to them, after all.

Would you describe yourself as very emotional?

Ah, I don't think so. My crewmates call me laid-back. I just tend to let things wash over me and don't get too troubled about it.

What's one thing you wish people understood about you?

I'm sorry, but Illari folk always get their britches in such a twist over the smallest things. When I take the ship's hammock, it's not because I hate you personally. It's because I want a good night's sleep and I'm quicker than you. If you wanted the hammock, you should've taken it from me. I'm not going to be mad - if you're bigger and stronger and toss me out, that's just the way the world works.

If you could relive any moment in your life, what would it be and why?

Of my life? Playing my first gig, easily. ...Or maybe my first excursion past the Hive walls. I can't decide. It should be my first gig. I'll go with that one.

What's a habit you wish you could break?

Why would I break a habit if it's enjoyable? I can't say I really have too many habits, to be fair. I'm not the addictive type - you'll want the captain for that.

He's really normal until he's not. I'll tag @cedar-sunshine @nofuckingideawhatsgoingon @gothamxwattpad @the-golden-comet and anyone else who wants to play :)

Your questions:

Do you have a chore you absolutely hate?

Tell me an embarrassing childhood story

Are you a good person?

[lovemesomesurveys]

What did you have for dinner tonight? Nothing yet, but I'm getting Applebee's takeout soon.

If you were given a million dollars, what would you spend it on? I'd have to do the important shit like pay off my debt as well as both my parents' and brother's debts. I'd buy a house for my parents and I and one for my brother and his bf. I'd furnish and decorate and all that, too. Traveling, for sure.

Have you ever cried in front of your parents over a boyfriend or girlfriend? No.

What does your bedroom smell like right now? I don't really smell anything.

Have you ever shaved off your eyebrow before? No. I've definitely over plucked when I was younger lol.

Do you want to have a boy or girl whenever you have kids? I don't want children.

Your pregnant with twins: What do you name them? I'm not having kids. I can't even get pregnant if I wanted to, which is good cause I don't wanna.

Describe your outfit. Jeggings and a gray tee with two skeleton hands making a heart in the upper left corner.

What gigabyte is your memory card? I don't have a memory card.

What brand is your digital camera? I don't have a digital camera. I just use my phone.

When was the last time you hung out with your best friend? My two best friends I met online a couple years ago and we haven't met up in person yet cause they both live in different states than me across the country. We message each other everyday on Facebook messenger and text sometimes, too. And leave a lot of voice memos.

What is a movie you're waiting to see? I haven't really seen or heard about new movies lately, like what's even coming out?

Who was the last person to cook something for you? My mom.

Do you ever sit and think what if about something? Oh, all the time. About a lot of things. It's an awful game to play.

If so, what is it? Like I said, a lot of things.

What’s on tv right now? Something on the ID channel.

Do you ever stop and smell the roses? I need to. I'm always so wrapped up with my own shit and stuck in my own head and I need to appreciate more.

Where do you download music from? I haven't downloaded music in over a decade. I've been using Spotify for years.

How many channels do you have on your tv? I have no idea. A lot.

What are you most scared of? My loved ones passing away. I regularly get panic thoughts about someone suddenly dying. I have had this problem since I was a small child. <<< That's my top fear. I've experienced losing my maternal grandparents and that was incredibly hard as well as losing two dogs.

If you were given a chance to bring someone back to life, who would you choose? My grandma. But see, that's a complex question cause as much as I miss her and wish she were here, I wouldn't want her to come back and be in the same situation as before health wise. And she was in so much pain toward the end. I wouldn't want her to come back and experience that again.

Do you talk to any of your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? No.

If so, which one? ^^^^

What is your mom doing right now? She's watching Tiktoks.

Are you currently listening to music? No.

What is the weather like right now? It's currently 70 F.

Do you like new music or older music? A variety of both from various genres and artists.

If you could make a law, what would kind of law would you make? I don't know.

What was the last video game you played? The last new Mario game that came out. I can't remember what it's called.

What is currently going on in the room you're in right now? I'm watching YouTube and eating peanut butter M&M's, my mom is watching Tiktoks, and my doggo is laying down.

Do you know where your best friend is? At their homes.

Who was the last person to comment you on Facebook? Her name is Danae.

What is your display picture of on Facebook? A selfie.

Do you ever sit and think about the past? All the damn time. My mind lives there.

If you could relive any moment in time: what would it be? My childhood.

Are you a talker or a listener? Definitely more of a listener.

What is one food you will not eat? Seafood.

Do you eat anything now that you never used to eat? Hmm. I don't think so.

Have you ever kissed the same sex? No.

When does school start this year? I've been done with school for awhile.

Do you ever shout for absolutely no reason? Uh, no.

Have you stuck with your new years resolution? I stopped making those a longggg time ago. I never stuck to them anyway.

Do you need to lose any weight right now? Nooo. I need to gain some weight.

What is something you want right now? To not be hot and be able to get some sleep soon.

Do you hate when you see teachers in stores? I haven't had that happen in very long time. It was always weird though the times it has happened. Like an animal out in the wild lmao. When I was a kid, I used to think the teachers lived there.

What always puts a smile on your face? Hm.

Where can I find you on a Saturday night? At home in bed like everyday.

What is the best thing about Sundays? Nothing. It's just another day for me. <<<

What is your music provider (itunes, windows media player)? Spotify. Windows media player omg is that still a thing? I've had Mac computers since 2009.

How many songs do you have? A shit ton.

When was the last time you had a period? I really don't get one anymore, like just some spotting sometimes. I still get the awful symptoms, though, so that's shitty.

Why do you think the sky is blue? Cause God made it that way.

If you could change the sky to any color, which would you choose? It's so pretty during a sunset when it's various colors. I wish it looked like that everyday throughout the day.

Is there anything wrong with you right now? There always is.

Do you hate when people stare at you? Yes, it's rude and irritating.

[chronicbeans]

Omg I really want to talk about something! (Especially because my blog is probably going to be flooded with odd content because of it)

So like... Childhood Memory Unlocked! Want to see if anybody else can relate!

TW: Unrestricted Internet Access as a Kid, Violent/NSFW Parodies of Children's Content

So, I feel like the people who grew up with the early days of the internet, specifically with like... unrestricted access all have some sort of weird childhood trauma because of it, right? I just had the most like... TRANSCENDENTAL experience reliving some of it.

So, don't judge me too hard... but I do listen to Friday Night Funkin' mod songs. It kinda helps me drown out irritating noise in a way that helps me focus. If I listen to songs that have lyrics, it will make me want to write something or whatever, because I focus on the lyrics. Anyway, that isn't the important part. I was listening to a random playlist of songs, when I came across a really good one called "Stomach Flu". If any of you know the mod that it is from you probably already know where this is going.

I decided to look up the specific song on YouTube and find out which mod it is from so I can see if it had any more good songs. Turns out it's from a SpongeBob Parody mod, and was for freaking SPONGEBOB SICKPANTS. I took one look at that little gremlin and was like "I KNOW you from somewhere, but where"? Then like... I found a reupload and was like "I saw you when I was a kid? Wtf?" I believe I found him from YouTube, but he was also on Newgrounds, I believe. I'm just going to put the Newgrounds tag on this in case any of the other parodies were on there.

Needless to say, it led me down the rabbit hole of remembering the oddest and most gruesome parodies from my childhood, like SpongeBob plays SAW and some other one where SpongeBob was like... A killer or something (I know, real descriptive. There were a million of those probably)? Then I started remembering my MLP phase with all that horror, and how I found YouTube through those Sonic Sprite Videos that were definitely NOT child friendly! Lol but right now I am mainly obsessed with trying to find all of those SpongeBob parodies, because of COURSE I can't be obsessed with a children's show without it specifically being the not child friendly parts of it. 😁

So like... Two main things:

If you see the most random, obscure, and unnerving things being posted on here about parodies from kids shows, don't worry, I will be putting them under read more's. Also, just know that you can blame Friday Night Funkin' music for reviving those memories, as well as unrestricted Internet Access. So like... Don't be concerned if you see me making some sort of SpongeBob Parody Multiverse on my account. That is a perfectly normal thing for a wild ChronicBeans to do! (Or do be, I am pretty sure it isn't considered normal behavior but I can't stop-)

Also, I am just kinda curious if anybody else has had the same experience. Like, seeing the most cursed things on the internet as a kid, then suddenly having those memories unlocked from a random piece of media later in life. Also, if you remember any of those weird SpongeBob parodies and know where to find them, I would be very thankful if you let me know! There are so many I can remember, but like, not remember the names. I really want to find them.

[celestialsyndicate]

Trigger Warning : RAMCOA Vent

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Sometimes I wish we hadn't known we were a system before the large parts of our trauma started surfacing. We felt as though we were healing and had made true and good progress to functional multiplicity. We still have all of the work that we had worked on and maybe it will be easier for us to heal because of that work we had done without the knowledge of the trauma. But the realizations of why you are who you are, why you are in the system you are, why you are here. Finding purpose has been something each of us has striven for and in that we've helped people, we're proud of that. But as we have found more and more ofour purposes within the system, we feel ourselves disintegrating in to sand. All we were melting away from us. This is true in any situation with DID. For us though, our closes friends have always known of us. We have been overt much of our lives, conciously hiding it from people we knew weren't safe. The covert for us was knowing we couldn't tell certain people or we would be in danger. But to be overt, to be who you are living who you are. We knew we had trauma and that we were here to help this life continue and to bring something to this world. We didn't know...this was the trauma that made you who you were. We could tell you this person was unsafe, though it came with internal fighting constantly. We could say we had childhood trauma. We couldn't give details there was only the child alter we heard screaming as we thought of any of it. That was always what stopped us thinking of it. But because we could say, I have trauma, we never thought to think any more of it. We knew we had nightmares we forgot when we woke. We knew we had a large black portion of our childhood up to age 8. But that's just trauma and we knew these people were bad so we don't need to think on it to heal.

A part of me is angry we had to realize. That it had to come up. We were healing, we were doing alright. It was slow and passive but because we weren't reliving the memories, because it was only body responses and shock, we were doing alright. And now it feels like we are drowning and losing all the footholds we had. I don't want to lose our progress. Our strength. We know the techniques to keep us grounding but the grounding feels like swallowing down the venom. I am here but where do I put this. I survived but where do I put this. I stay alive BUT WHERE DO I PUT THIS. Now what. I am out. Now what? I'm an adult. Now what? I have loving people in my life. Where do I put this? I am fucking ashes. Of who I was. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I'm afraid to be in my mind. I'm afraid to swallow the pain. Cry and I go numb. Cry and it's too much.

We were healing but it doesn't feel in truth.

We were healing without a therapist, but now we need one and that becomes harder.

We were healing but didn't need to know.

Even if we don't want to remember somehow the damn has broke.

I suppose in some ways I have truly learned lessons that help regardless. I know I do not have to be the monster I was made to be. I know that is not who I am. I do not have to be subservient, and I have taught my system much the same. We will not be lied to or coerced. We have pride in what we do and the love we give. We are able to be kind and compassionate to ourselves and others. We have been able to help headmates with low empathy to understand empathy and why to care for others, though they haven't experienced care. We have learned to love each other.

I am at least proud and grateful we have learned what we have before we needed the skills.

Our cup is overflowing.

I think our biggest issue is being unable to speak. We have been able to heal much else, but not our voice. There are those in system that were that for us but have been repetitively silenced. We can't journal when we do remember memories or nightmares. We can't tell others. We've begun to slowly, but it feels like pulling teeth. It is agonizing and it doesn't satisfy the weight of what we feel. It feels like dragging mountains through sand. Our mind is screaming not to remember and we feel helpless as we scream along with it to not bring the flood. But the earth has trembled and the tidal wave rises above our heads. We must ride it through.

Ride it through and survive.

I think the struggle with the remembering is that during the survival of the memory, we could dissociate, and in healing you are trying to find a means to remain present. The memory comes and you have to find your strength in it. In that moment I suppose we did as well....I think, we must learn, how to break. We have always stubbornly fought breaking. Perhaps it is partly why we dislike the descriptions of programmed systems, "Our system was not designed for us." Fuck you, we split to survive. We formed for OUR. Power. And god damn it we did. Not everyone does survive. We partitioned the hell out of those memories and we kept each other safe. Yes overtly where we could because that was our power. That is our power. We acknowledged our strength. Some felt no pain and carried us through that abuse. Some spoke loudly to those who tore us down. Screamed at those who sought us grey and gone. We FOUGHT. And we will. Yes, they knew we were a system. Yes they took this and abused us further, but my system was not theirs, it was our survival. We were a child. We had no choice to obey, we were victimized, but our system has never been theirs. Our power was never in their hands, or we'd be dead.

Maybe we're better off than we think.

-🍷♦️🖌 , et al.

[saintmeghanmarkle]

7 toxic signs of someone (Meghan) who is addicted to drama by u/wontyield

7 toxic signs of someone (Meghan) who is addicted to drama This article was shared in a thread by Bekind999. I immediately thought of my narc sister and Meghan when I read it. https://ift.tt/aMPRBId They feel a sense of urgency: when there isn't an unrelenting sense of urgency, something always feels wrong to them.Meghan has a sense of urgency when planning her easily debunked stunts and Royal Family vendettas that always happen on or near RF public activities. She is obsessed with the timing of her stunts. Meghan can't live without tumultuous drama and will go to great lengths to engineer it. They use exaggerated language: they might try to get your attention by adding escalating words ("extremely bad" versus "bad") or metaphors ("It was like he saw right through me and I melted into the abyss of space" versus "He ignored what I had to say").A constant characteristic of her ridiculous word salads 🥗. Meghan thinks her speeches are profound and reveal her genius, but they only show how ignorant, uneducated and vapid she is. They need to be the center of attention: being in the middle of larger-than-life action tends to make them feel important.Meghan's multiple failed attempts over the years to depict herself as a hunted royal are sad cries for attention. Non-stop lies and easily debunked stunts. A sad middle-aged woman who has spent years trying to convince the world the paparazzi stalk and harass her like they did Diana and Catherine. She is craves tabloid drama. She is obsessed with it.Also, Baroness Bandwagons centers herself in whatever cause célébre or political issue is trending for praise and attention when even though it's obvious she doesn't understand the issue and has no connections to the impacted persons or communities. She's all over the place like a squirrel in traffic when it comes to causes. They reenact and retell stories with unnecessary intensity: retelling the same emotional story to different audiences allows them to vent continually. It's common for them to add variations to the original situation, too.This was the entire purpose of her Archetypes podcast. Reliving her delusional, wildly inaccurate revisionist history in which she is always the victim. They focus on the negative or exhilarating elements of other peoples' lives: you'll often find people who are addicted to drama consumed by what's happening in the lives of others.Again, Meghan is obsessed with the lives of Catherine and Diana and has put a great amount of time and effort into cosplaying them to recreate events from their lives. Sick. The are preoccupied with (and stuck in) their own story: like the star of any show, they need the one-way interaction of an audience — people whose only role is to bear witness to the drama. They also like to assign roles to the rest of the cast. And if cast mates don't deliver the right lines, there will likely be trouble.Meghan's sense of entitlement is unbelievable. She expects to be put on a pedestal and praised at all times. TW expects unearned praise and authority. She callously discarded childhood friends, her father, Trevor, Corey, and others when they are no longer of use to her.They feel a lack of control: their inability to control (or predict) the external world leads to feeling overwhelmed, helpless and victimized. This is something all of us experience, but it's acute for those with a propensity for drama. We see her constant directing and controlling of her puppet husband. Some of her fauxlanthropy projects are scams to censor the media and control what is said about her because she believes she is the most persecuted person in the world and thinks the title she married into gives her the right to control people's opinions about her. I'm sure you can think of more supporting examples of Meghan's unhinged behavior over the years for the above characteristics of a drama addict. post link: https://ift.tt/Ne1vFwJ author: wontyield submitted: October 19, 2023 at 04:52AM via SaintMeghanMarkle on Reddit

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Is there such thing as emotional grooming? Can someone with extremely bad mental health unintentionally "groom" a young teen into doing emotional labor for them?

(Context of the question below. CW for toxic friendship conduct and mentions of suicidal ideation, self-harm, and CSA)

I've been studying with a guy since I was 13/14, and he, 16. One day, he had a flashback, and I tried to help him through it, to be the support I never got. After that, though, he made me his personal therapist. All of our interactions would be about him, about how he wanted to kill himself, hurt himself, how he hated living, and was a burden to his family. He described to me the sexual abuse he went through, the porn addiction he had in childhood, his gruesome suicide plans and everything bad that had ever happened to him, all with no regard to if that would affect me. I feel it was my fault, though, because I encouraged him, happy that he trusted me enough to tell me his worst traumas. And I couldn't possibly leave! I'm the only one he could count on, the only thing keeping him alive. So it didn't matter where I was, how I was, and who I was with, every second of my time was an invitation for him to come foward dump his problems on me. It made me relive the worst moments of my life and resurfaced symptoms I spent years getting treated for.

At one point, I tried to tell him I needed a break, and he agreed. A few days later, he just started messaging me that he would try to kill himself if things didn't get better for him soon because he felt like things were only getting worse.

And now, almost two years later, he's finally... fine. Better. He started medication, talked to his family, fixed things. And now I have to see him laugh and go by his day happily and pretend that I don't carry the weight he put on me. Hell, he doesn't even know I'm still hurting, or that I ever hurt because of him at all! I was the only fool who gave himself away. He's thankful to me, but I just wish he would stop trying to be friends, like I wasn't just a tool for him to use just months ago. And I feel like I'm lying to myself in order to make it look worse than it was, projecting past abusers onto him, making him a bad person (which I don't think he is, I understand that depression can do that to a guy).

What is even worse is that now we're in a sexual relationship (I'm 15, he's 17). I wanted that for so long, but now, I can't even know he's in the same room as me without wanting to run away and hide. I don't even remember why I thought it was a good idea, but I regret it immensely. And now it feels like a responsibility, and I would feel like an asshole in just suddenly wanting to go back in what I started.

I'm sorry about the rant. I just don't know what to do. I know the answer seems obvious: "just don't have sex with him anymore", and yet, I feel like there's no way out of this, that there's nothing wrong with what he did and is doing, that yes, he hurt me, but I can't blame him because I never told him how I felt.

Thank you for getting through this, and please take your time to deal with this ask. Don't burn yourself out, alright? Ily.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. It sounds like this person traumadumped on you and you were made to feel emotionally responsible for this person's wellbeing and safety, which is an unrealistic and unhealthy amount of pressure on you. Please know that anything this person does to himself is not your fault or responsibility, even if you decided to take some distance. This kind of experience can also lead to vicarious trauma, which is a result of being exposed to someone else's trauma.

It's understandable you feel pressure to continue the relationship. However, sexual relationships between minors is not really a good idea since minors cannot consent, and depending on where you live, a sexual relationship between minors may not be legal. Also considering the traumatizing dynamic that has happened between you in the past, it may not be a healthy basis for a relationship, sexual or not. But perhaps there could be a useful discussion about past behavior, boundaries, and needs. It's ultimately up to you how'd you like to continue this relationship.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process your experiences, navigate your relationship with this person, and develop some healthy coping mechanisms that you can take with you on your healing journey.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[dats-poetry]

Childhood Trauma 2

Since I was a kid I was traumatized.

All that trauma was the one I clothed.

I've never told anyone about this.

But yeah it's true as a kid I did cry.

Still got the images in my head.

It's daddy and mom fighting again.

Can't live in peace when he's around.

I'm wishing he's gone somewhere else.

So there won't be no fight today.

Scared little kid, scared little child.

I run to my sister's room yet again.

Don't wanna make him more mad.

Might cost me a good reprimand.

Go to school like it's a normal thing.

But the kids over there just bully me.

And no one's there to really do anything.

I was too shy to even say back a thing.

But they took my soul and teared it.

I went on with life pretending no hurt.

Our dad was too expectant of us both.

And I felt used for his own needs.

That is something I cannot say aloud.

So I'll write it here under this mask.

Pile up another expectancy.

Dad I'm tired of doing all of this.

Wait but I can't ever say anything.

Because I'm too afraid to say no.

Daddy told me he never forced me.

To have to follow his religion.

But really that's not the truth about it.

Cause how was I gonna deny.

The same thing they brought me up with?

He said it like it was so easy.

Like he was always there for me.

Like I shouldn't have felt depressed.

Said he always asked if I was okay.

Well yeah he certainly did ask.

But that question I wasn't going to.

Answer if it felt like a total crash.

To all the life that I had built till there.

Another fight, another war.

Daddy's mad better not complain.

Better not cry in front of him.

Cause he thought it was a tactic.

To apparently manipulate him.

But he was the one manipulating us.

By screaming and screaming so much.

Hell, you even admitted it.

You admitted to me recently that.

In our recent and last fight.

You just wanted to coerce me.

So you said those hurtful words.

Just to manipulate like I know you do.

It's not a surprise, it wasn't at all.

I always knew this marriage was bad.

And I found out way too late.

That God wasn't the one to fix it.

Cause he was a facade to cope.

With life that my parents used.

And I found out way too late.

That God wasn't the one to fix.

My broken life that's still here.

If he was part of the trauma.

And my father used scripture.

To justify his emotional abuse.

So this is what I carry inside.

I hate when people say that I'm.

Not the only one struggling at all.

And like I should stop whining.

Well maybe I'll stop whining.

When you go and relive my live.

Yeah I'm not trying to compare.

My trauma with that of others.

I'm just trying to be honest.

That my trauma has destroyed me.

That I can't switch off my depression.

And that maybe if you would see.

And just stand to hear for a second.

I would love to vent into you ears.

[penanggalan]

I want to kind of post a life update, sorry it's mostly embarrassing and depressing lol. TW: sexual abuse, alcoholism, childhood trauma. About 4 years ago, I split up with my ex (who is still my best friend), and for the first time lived totally alone in my own house. I would still often visit my parents just to sleep in a house with someone else in it, as I not only healed from an ended marriage but hated to sleep alone. I reconnected with my first love from high school when he and his friend messaged me out of nowhere, but they turned out to be drunken users who almost dragged me down with them. Their good traits were gone and their bad ones remained on top of deeply disappointing new ones. My best friend rescued me when she came up and saw how bad it was. I was practically sleeping on a sea of empty beer bottles. Then I went home to find that my dearest pet, Eyeball, had to be put down or suffer a painful death from cancer. I had a period of severe depression when things settled down and I had time and quiet to really reflect on everything that had happened. It felt like when you're running from something so hard it's all just pure instinct fueling you past the point of exhaustion, then once the thing chasing you is gone and you realize you're not going to die, your other emotions kick in and you can't stop crying and reliving it. After a short while, the loneliness got to me again and I then invited someone in who physically abused me, and I decided enough was enough, I was done being desperate from loneliness and hating who I was so much I couldn't bear to be alone with myself. So i started focusing more on gardening, my art, and speaking to almost no one other than my parents and best friend. I cried myself to exhaustion every night, until I noticed it wasn't happening so much anymore, and I was able to sleep alone without it feeling like a nightmare for the first time probably in my life. This was a very VERY big deal for me. Even as a kid, I couldn't sleep alone. I slept with my grandma til I was in probably 2nd grade, then lived with my mom and her boyfriend at the time who fought nightly and not even my radio or singing to myself would cover it up. My mom would read to me, and if I'd wake up when she tried to leave, I'd just start crying and she'd have to come back and read more until I was out. I'd often wake up to her boyfriend in my room uninvited, almost every morning, for years. So yeah, I have bad associations with sleeping alone. I'm 38 and I still sometimes get an icky feeling waking up alone, like he'll be there, and I am still in the habit of pretending to be asleep when I first wake up. But yeah, I started actually... healing. It was an odd feeling. I hadn't let myself heal in so long. It was one bad relationship to another. ANYthing to keep from being alone. Then, 2.5 years ago, I "met" someone truly wonderful, and it was completely unexpected. He had been on my friends list on facebook for MANY years, so I knew he was a great person with good morals, but we barely spoke until I got the courage to comment on his Moomin shirt. He's the most grown up, predictable, kind-hearted person I've ever known, and possibly the first person I've ever known to actually work on their issues and show progress with fixing them, though they're nowhere near as problematic as alcoholism or abuse. It's been a slow process since we can't live together, and since moving with my parents to north GA, we're further from each other than ever. And also, my ability to trust has been somewhat obliterated. But we see each other for about a week every month. And I'm working hard on myself, have grown accustomed to living and sleeping without a partner for the better part of the last 3 years, and am almost starting to learn to love myself. I protect myself, I stand up for myself, say no, and don't let people in my life if I feel a bad vibe. For the first time, I feel actually *ready* to start a life with someone. He's been so patient with me. I'm going to see him in Florida in a few days <3

[spikes-got-anger-issues]

Going to copy Aster a bit here and introduce myself officially since I think ur super cool!

I’m Eren, i first watched LR when I was younger when it sort of first came out but I didn’t officially start getting into the fandom until about two years ago. My blog is pretty new though and I think I’ve only been posting about LR for roughly six months but I’m not quite sure. I’m part of the Donald Davenport hate group (lol) where we bully the evil little man (his character, not the actor obviously) which you will understand the more you watch the show.

Also, welcome to our cult, dude. You’re going to love it here. If anyone gives you any shit, dm me and I’ll help out in any way I can. All my mutuals are super nice (mostly all LR blogs) so I can give you some recommendations on blogs to follow if you would like. Are you comfortable with headcanons being sent in? If so, what sort of hc content are you comfortable with just so I know. Much love <3

Haha, thanks for thinking I'm cool! :] I was 10 when Lab Rats came out but quite honestly I don't really remember if I actually watched an episode. I have a terrible memory, especially with my childhood, but I think I can vaguely remember watching maybe an episode or two of Lab Rats back then, but yet again maybe I was just remembering all the bumpers/promos and commercials so I really can't remember if I ever watched an episode. I had begun to watch the video Keyan Carlile did on the show back in March before I decided "Hey, this seems interesting and somewhat nostalgic, I'll glance around the characters and plot for a bit" and then here I am a few months later with a blog lol for it.

Donald definitely won't be getting a "Dad of the Year" (or I guess "uncle") trophy anytime soon, that's all that I know so far but I already don't like his vibes. Some of his aspects remind me of Reginald from The Umbrella Academy, two asshole fathers with superpowered children that they mistreat. I'm loving all of the characters so far *cough cough* not you Donald *cough cough* and I have to say that Leo and Chase (I guess Spike too since my blog url is dedicated to him lol) are my favorites. And the humor of the show, as stupid and cheesy as it can be at times, still manages to make me laugh. It's very fun watching this show, it's kind of like reliving my childhood even though I'm not sure if I ever truly watched the show, but from the era of tv I remember best!

Another fun part about watching tv for me is noticing small details and writing my thoughts down, so I have about two notes worth of my thoughts and things I have noticed on my phone that I'll eventually start posting on here, and that's only for season one. At the same time it takes me about 2 hours to get through one episode when I have to pause to write stuff down and rewind a scene over and over so I'm also annoying myself when doing this

I'm feeling welcomed and comfortable in this fandom so far which is always the best when joining a new one! And I will gladly take blog recommendations. I'm fine with hearing headcanons, I would just personally request not to hear any that involve sexual or romantic situations since that kind of stuff makes me feel uncomfortable. Otherwise anything else for any characters I will gladly hear! I'm sure once I get deeper into the show I'll start rattling off my own 🙂

I really appreciate you stopping by and leaving this message, thank you!! 💖

[a-pheonyx-manifesting]

I have nobody to celebrate with. I quit vaping this year, I got my sex on my ID to be 'X' this year, I got a family doctor this year- maybe those things aren't big deals in comparison to all the (personal) crap that has flowed. I live with my dad's family in exchange for some money and childcare cause of a homelessness crisis my partner and I faced. I wasn't expecting a party I thought maybe a meal, or a round of a card game. Something more than a simple shrug and congrats from the 3 other adults I live with.

Yesterday, a psychiatrist set me up for an Autism evaluation that is covered under OHIP. I'd completely given up on getting an evaluation. I was ready to settle for a life knowing nobody would believe me about my brain. For the FIRST time a doctor told me to my face that autism and CPTSD can exist side by side. I know that but, doctors ALWAYS use my trauma to tell me they don't think I'm autistic or have D.I.D. She says if I pass I can get the CPTSD therapy I need (and other gov. funded stuff) covered because, I'll be able to receive more help as a diagnosed autistic. (I'm diagnosed CPTSD.) If I get into regular therapy I can get assessed for D.I.D but, she didn't deter me from checking if I have D.I.D she started to describe how the therapist would go about that diagnostic. (Usually they just tell me to stop being dramatic or that I don't know what I'm talking about but, she took my question about DID seriously.) I relived so much of my childhood while avoiding talking about my mother so, alotta my wounds were freshly opened and sore but, instead of salt there was cool air in them, for the first time. She wrote down EVERYTHING. Not just jotting when I'm nervous, she wrote down what I was describing. My abuse is on paper now, not just my reactions. Also: a doctor hearing where my formative years happened almost always has a sigh or some sort of professional version of "Fuck." She has provided me with my new favourite: "I'm aware of the laws there."

I wish there was someone to celebrate with but, I didn't even tell my family, this time. I know they'll say all the things like "they could still deny you", all the anxieties I already know and are chewing on my ankles. I want to tell someone that I'm excited that my life could be changing. So, if you read this- thank you for being that person. ❤️

I feel hollow because I've been ignoring the weight I carry with me everywhere, and putting my duty to the household and the people in my life first. I can't ignore that weight when the psychiatrist asks me the questions. The situation flipped from "don't talk about it." "It's in the past, it's not happening to you, now." "Don't-" to I have to talk and think and acknowledge this hurt and damage.

I feel relief because, the changes are coming. The hard ones that are going to change my life and make me more capable of being the person I want to be. Being a person capable of helping others, building community and sanctuary. I can almost touch the consistency of a therapist I recognize rather than drop in counseling. I can feel my mask cracking. I know I can't promise myself anything about my specific symptoms but, I think of death, everyday. It's like I can feel myself imagining death with a peaceful light, and an undertone of it occurring naturally again, rather than the ways I have been imagining it. I feel so much chaos right now but, it's like I'm in the eye of the storm. I can see all of the clouds that are swirling. I can also see where the sky returns to its natural state.

Sorry if none of this made sense but, you still read it anyway and also, I appreciate you. I did a little, seated dance for myself and did a little singing. Thank you for celebrating with me. I hope your day is going as well as it can, or that tomorrow is better if it isn't.

[msvorderofoperations]

*sigh*

Been a bit since I posted just straight information about what I have going on. And shockingly, things have gotten worse!

Some backstory so you don't have to go through the tags of 50 different posts to find out what the hell is going on. I am living in a storage space in my sister's townhouse. It has a mattress, my clothes, and my computer. And basically nothing else. This was only meant to be temporary, but every other opportunity I have looked into has fallen through. Thus I have been stuck here for almost 8 months. Additionally, because of my sister's complete failure as a mother, I'm having to relive all of my childhood trauma on the daily as she constantly screams at her kids. Also, because my sister decided to live in bumfuck nowhere, I'm 40 kilometres from all of my health resources, and my girlfriend. And given that I have intense long-COVID and the nearest bus stop is a kilometre away, this makes leaving both incredibly difficult and absolutely necessary at times.

So that's the baseline of the living hell I have been through. Initially, my sister only wanted $100 a month for utilities used, and I was expected to pay for my own food. A month goes by and she says that because she had to upgrade her bandwidth cap on the internet (which she never told me about any limits) at the cost of an additional $20 a month. Obviously, this necessitated increasing my payments to $500 a month. I don't fight it because it's still lower than what I would be paying elsewhere.

Fast forward to today. I am in dire fucking straights emotionally. I am doing everything I can to keep my head above water, and I am STRUGGLING. So as I go upstairs to make lunch, she asks me if I can do another $100 a month. She gives me some explanation that because her asshole of a partner can't find enough work, and so it then falls to me to make up the shortfall. For reasons. I literally cannot work right now, and the money that I have to live off each month is from disability, which does not get yearly increases for inflation (or anything else for that matter). This is not tenable if I am going to actually have enough funds to pay for a deposit and movers when it comes time to move. After the fact I checked and she legally can't ask for more since she already increased my rent this year, and the maximum she *could* raise it by is 3.5%, not the 20% she is asking for. I try to explain this to her, but that's not a good enough answer to her mind. I then explain that I am not in good headspace to be talking about this, and she then just keeps asking "Well, when will you be?!" and I don't have a fucking answer because HOW THE FUCK CAN I?!

I am doing everything I can to establish a boundary, but she will not let up. And then she starts ranting about how my living downstairs by myself and interfacing with her family as little as possible is somehow responsible for destabilizing the household. And how I can't expect to live in the real world like this. All this is simply because she thinks I'm not looking for a new space. When in reality I am literally doing everything I physically can. I have been working with two social workers at two separate agencies, have friends looking out for me, I have an ongoing account with the registry responsible for subsidized housing, I am looking (when I can) on facebook marketplace, craigslist, and kijiji. And that last one is especially onerous because I have so much fucking trauma around housing at this point that it is a severe trigger for my depression and anxiety. And simply because I do not keep her appraised of every single thing I do (some of which I literally can't because it's not safe to discuss specifics with her) she thinks I am doing literal NOTHING. It's around here that I say that I will simplify things and move in with my mom. Which...if I'm being real is my absolute, last-resort, break-glass-in-case-of-emergency, things-cannot-get-any-worse solution.

Needless to say, this whole conversation has put me in a spiral. I am freaking the fuck out, and she still maintains that she is in the right to do this. I convey to her in the most unambiguous terms that I cannot have this discussion any longer. I have been having suicidal ideation for some time, and this shit is putting me in a place where I can no longer trust myself to be safe. She keeps on rolling along saying that she is working so hard to break the cycle of abuse our parents engaged in, and I can't possibly understand the stress she is under. And I tell her that I recognize that she has been dealt a shit hand too (though most of that was due to her own fucking stupid-ass decisions, but I leave that part out), which is why I keep to myself to not add any more stress. And then she recognizes (FINALLY) that she's repeating some of the treatment my parents doled onto but her and me, but me especially. Because at one point when I was still a teen I had to make one of my parents mortgage payments because they couldn't find the money that month. I tell her that's at least part of why I'm reacting so intensely. And then she starts crying.

At this point I realize that my breathing has become extremely uneven and shaky. But I am not crying. It dawns on me that I am about to go into an anxiety attack. And sure enough! And it is by far the worst one I have ever had in my life. Despite having problems of lethargy from long COVID, my body somehow found the energy reserves to be in a full on hyperventilating panic, with intense full-body spasms and screams (which have never happened to me before) for OVER AN HOUR. I know that's how long it lasted because that's how long it took for the ambulance to arrive. By the time it did, I was somewhat able to assert control. I was still in a very bad way, but I was able to calm my breathing and tamp down on the spasms.

The ambulance takes off, and all I can manage of the ten minute ride over is stare into the middle distance and numbly answer some of the questions the EMT asks. I reach the hospital, trying not to freak out about the fact that I was going into the emergency ward without a mask, among other things. And after getting me signed in they just...left me there. I was put in a waiting room with a bench that was bolted to the floor, and had nothing on any of the walls. After about 20 minutes of that, they took me to where I was to be "treated". Another waiting room, because all of the rooms were full, as were all of the beds in the hallways. I got left in a chair, and they took my vitals again for some reason, and then had to wait another long stretch by myself. And as you might imagine, being in as dark as a place I was, the solitude did not help any. I will spare details in this moment, but suffice to say I really don't think I was best served by doing this.

Eventually I was given a more thorough questionnaire about my medical history and what happened today. By that point I was through the worst of it, but explaining things in detail still got me crying pretty badly. Then more waiting until a doctor was able to give me a once-over. He rushed me through checking my breathing (seriously, I don't think he was there for more than a minute) and told me that physically I had nothing wrong with me and I was technically free to go. Most of what happened afterwards was administrative stuff, and is not really worth getting into.

But yeah. I'm here now writing this after taking a cab back to my sister's place (for now). I don't really have an end goal with this post. I don't have a GoFundMe or other donation links, because that is not going to a tenable long-term solution, and I'm not going to ask for anything. Well, if you happen to know anybody in the Greater Vancouver Regional District that needs a roommate, let me know I suppose. But I know that's a fucking long shot. Mostly I just needed to get this all down somewhere. Hell, I know that my personal posts don't really get notes, and I know that this is a brick of a post to get through even before the emotional content of it. This is how I want to cope in this moment, is all I suppose.

[vault81]

OC Interview

I was tagged by @orionlancasterr to do an OC Interview! So here is Jacks! (though I may edit this later with more of them)

"Oh- you uh wanna interview me? fuck it why not! ask away!"

name:

"I go by Jack mainly, but I guess you want 'ma 'government name'"

He starts biting down on his lip while his eyes scan the room

"I think it's Jack Andrew Cooke, ha! It's been a hot minute since I had to remember that one! Not used that since the G.O.A.T! exam!"

nickname:

"My nickname? most folks just call me 'courier' or 'six' but back east people did start calling me 'the lone wanderer', That one doesn't exactly roll off the tongue like the other two though."

gender:

"I'm a male! or man! dude works too!"

star sign:

"Uhhh what's my what?"

After being told what a star sign is, he begins counting on his fingers to work out when exactly his birthday is and what that'd make him, breaking out in a bright wide-eyed smile when he finally figured it out.

"I'm a libertarian! Oh- Arcade say's I'm wrong, apparently it's 'Libra', close enough in my book."

personality type:

"My personality type? uh, I'm a nice guy, I guess? I can be a bit dense sometimes, but I try not to be mean or rude.. wait, that's not what the question means does it?"

height:

"The last time my height got checked out, I think I just shy of 6'3? no wait! Arcade is around my height! and he's 6'3 I think? so yeah! I must be!"

orientation:

"Uh- hold on, lemme check my compass.."

He tries to stop himself from laughing, as if he just made the funniest joke in the world

"Bahahahaha! d'ya get it?! orientation, compas- oh okay I guess It wasn't as funny as I thought... uh- I suppose you could say I'm into guys, always have been I suppose.."

nationality/ethnicity:

"American! I'm sure 'liza said we had some Scottish in us too, Wherever that is!"

favourite fruit:

"Hmmm I'm gonna say Watermelon! They didn't grow 'em often down in the vault, so when they did, it was always for a special occasion! I haven't found anything out here that compares to them yet!"

favourite season:

"Winter! I absolutely hate the heat- yeah I know I live in a desert whatever! But I just love when it gets freezing, wrapping up warm in front of a fire and getting all cozy! and the snow! I love snow!"

favourite flower/scent:

"Lavender, I think it's just for the smell really. It reminds me of home, 'specially Old Lady Palmer! she used to smell like that when she'd come and babysit us! It's just become a comforting scent I guess, If that even is a thing?"

A smile crosses his lips as he closes his eyes, softening as he briefly relives those early years of his childhood

coffee/tea/hot chocolate:

"I'm gonna go with hot chocolate! I don't like how bitter coffee can be, besides It messes with my stomach, so I can't really drink it anyway!"

average hours of sleep:

"7-8 hours I'd guess.. used to be I'd be getting 'round 9-10 but we're always on the move these days so I've gotta be up early!"

"Although good luck waking me up! I sleep like a brick!"

dog or cat person:

"Dogs! Dog's all the way! One of our first adventures outside of the Vault me and 'liza found a dog! he kinda just kept following us around, think his owner died or something, we ended up calling him Dogmeat!"

He smiles, looking down at his pipboy, a picture of a blue heeler smiling away while it gets a bath is on the screen.

"'course we had to give Dogmeat away when we left D.C, he was getting old by that point, so it was best for him. Besides, he's in good hands with Moira!"

dream trip:

"My dream trip? ya'know I don't think I really have a 'dream trip' never had a place that I've been dying to go! guess you could say I've always been about the journey rather than the destination."

favourite fictional/real character:

"Hmmm.. think I'm gonna say The Mechanist! what's not to love about a dude with a robot army?! I mean yeah he was a villain but rule of cool overrules I think!"

"Ya know that reminds me I actually met 'The Mechanist' a coupla years ago.. fought a 'gal dressed up as The Antagoniser, but I'll save that story for later!"

number of blankets you sleep with:

"I actually don't sleep with a blanket most nights, my body runs too hot! I end up overheating under those things, Arcade compares me to a human furnace, so he ends up hogging 'em all!"

random fact:

"I'm actually allergic to some types of medicine! my eyes get all itchy and swell up! mainly ibuprofen that does that one... I just pop a anti-histamine and I'm right as rain though!"

Jack jumps to his feet stretching out all his limbs and gestures to the door

"Now, was that all? I got a few errands to run for the Followers over in Freeside!"

Since I'm not too sure who to tag (idk who else has done this or not) I'll just leave it open for anyone who else who wants to do it!