#i’ve lost a lot of respect for them today

[redwinephannie]

I apologize to Dan and Phil for any offhand comments I’ve made criticizing the amount of sponsorships you do please never pull a Watcher

[little-diable]

Broke my heart and called me pretty, won me back and called me his - Tyler Owens (smut)

Watched Twisters again and I simply needed to write another Tyler fic. I listened to "Pretty Slowly" by Benson Boone while writing this. Please like and reblog if you enjoyed reading this, your comments keep us writers motivated! Enjoy my loves. xxx

Summary: Tyler had ended his engagement to the reader years ago, all for her to chase her dreams. But when he turns up as a guest for her lecture, both find themselves thrown back into the love they still feel for one another.

Warnings: 18+, smut, piv, oral (f), ex-lovers to lovers, some angst, lots of fluff tho

Pairing: Tyler Owens x professor!fem!reader (4k words)

“(Y/n)?” Her eyes flickered up from her notes, watching her assistant take a step into her office. With a soft smile playing on her lips, (y/n) waited for Alice to keep on speaking, knowing that she must leave for her upcoming class in a few minutes. 

“There’s been a scheduling problem with your guest for today’s lesson, they sent somebody else. He’s waiting outside for you.” For a second, she only stared at Alice, letting the words sink in before her annoyance and anger could clash through her. Organising guests who were willing to speak to her students has always been a struggle, she spent hours on finding the right people and now she couldn’t help but curse them for not giving her an earlier notice.

“Send him in, thank you, Alice.” (Y/n) began to collect her notes as the elderly woman left the room to fetch whoever was waiting outside, buying herself some time to remain calm. Deep breaths left (y/n), fighting through the uneasiness she couldn’t shake. 

The sound of boots meeting the ground rang in her ears, and suddenly her body began to tense, freezing on the spot almost. Somehow she could feel him before she saw him, instantly knowing who was about to enter her office even though it had been years since they had last seen one another. 

“Would you look at that, I’ve always wondered what your office looks like.” His voice shot shudders down her spine, a reaction she had once been all too familiar with but couldn’t help but curse now. With her teeth buried in her lower lip, (y/n) let her eyes wander over his features, fuck he was still as handsome as he had been all those years before. 

“What are you doing here, Tyler?” Her voice didn’t carry much strength, just enough to draw his wandering eyes back to her. Tyler studied her for a moment, keeping his distance while both seemed to get lost in the draw they had felt ever since their first date, knowing that the other was the one - or at least it had always felt like that. 

“Jake gave me a call this morning, told me he couldn’t make it. And since we were in the area anyway, I didn’t mind stepping in.” A scoff clawed through (y/n), followed by the shake of her head. She kept her eyes focused on her things while she rose to her feet, set on getting this over and done with as fast as possible.

“Of course you didn’t mind, the holy saint Tyler Owens just can’t help but present himself at any given chance.” His hand shot out to catch her arm before she could brush past him, forcing (y/n) to stand close to him. 

“Hey, I’m doing you a favour here, least you could do is treat me with some respect.” His voice still had that southern drawl to it she had longed to hear for way too long. She had deleted all his socials, hadn’t talked to any of their shared friends, no matter how many times she had longed to do so - even thinking of him hurt still too much. 

“Respect? I’m amazed you even know what that word means.” Both looked at one another for a moment, caught up in the memories that still haunted them to this day. Perhaps it could have been different. Perhaps they could have still been together if their path hadn’t been forced to an end years ago. 

“I did what was right, you can paint me as the bad guy, but don’t lie to yourself, darling. I did it for you, and I would do it all over again.” She ripped herself out of his grasp and muttered a small “Follow me” before leaving the room. Tears threatened to build in her eyes, forced to remember the day he had broken up with her, weeks after he had asked her to marry him. Deep down she knew that he was speaking the truth, if he hadn’t broken up with her, she wouldn’t have followed her dreams to study overseas to end up where she was now. And yet she hadn’t been able to let go of her hurt to this day.

The sounds of their shoes meeting the cold ground was the only thing that could be heard, nothing but heavy steps that felt like they were moving towards their end once again. Ancient lovers reunited in their last hour on this earth, and with one last chance they were offered to find their way back together. A chance that was now slipping through their fingers. 

“Good afternoon.” Her voice boomed through the big room which was filled with students who all instantly stopped speaking. Tyler kept his distance, waiting near the door while studying her every move. This was what he had hoped for all these years ago. For her to end up right here, doing what she had always dreamt of doing.

Parts of him had cursed himself for ending their engagement, but as much as he had wanted to follow her and help her chase her dream with him by her side, he hadn’t been able to leave. He had broken both their hearts with hurtful words spurred on by the anger he had directed at himself and at the circumstances he hadn’t been able to rip himself free from. 

“This is Tyler Owens, I’m sure some of you may know his channel. He’ll talk to you about storm chasing today, please bear in mind that you’ll get enough time for questions after his talk.” She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear to get lost in the eyes she had always tried to look for in every room. Eyes that had once held their shared secrets. Eyes that had watched her grow into a young woman after meeting when they had been mere teenagers. Eyes that still appeared in her dreams whenever her mind needed a reset from the battles she was currently fighting.

The sound of loud claps filled the room, he moved closer with a smile glued to his lips - a smile that slightly began to drop as she mumbled a quiet “I’ll be in my office” while brushing past him.

……

“Hey,” Tyler’s voice filled her office. A soft sigh left (y/n) as she forced herself to look at him, unable to bite down the hurt that had been clawing at her skin since the second he had first entered her office hours ago. “You missed an interesting class.”

“I,” she cleared her throat while shifting around on her seat. “I watched the stream. You were good, they loved you.”

“Well, what can I say? We have a big fan community.” A soft laugh managed to leave her before she could stop the sound, forcing heat to rise in her system. “Will you grab dinner with me? I think we’ve got some catching up to do.” 

She should have said no. She should have kindly told him that she had other plans. But knowing that she’d most likely not see him again for years and years to come felt like a punch to her gut. So all she did was nod her head and grab her purse, ready to leave her office for the day.

No words were spoken between them as he guided her towards his truck, the same one she had seen in his videos. It felt strange being here with him, sitting in the truck that added to this internet persona of his she was a stranger to, barely recognising the man he was now. 

“It’s bigger than I expected it to be.” (Y/n) blurted out the words while she looked around the truck, watching Tyler drive them to the spot he seemed to have in mind. The smirk tugging on his lips told her that she had just shared something she shouldn’t have, letting him in on the knowledge that she was watching his videos every now and then.

“I always wondered if you were watching us. They miss you, you know.” Nothing but a hum managed to pass her lips, unable to speak up as her throat grew tighter. It had been years since she had last seen his crew, the people she had once called her friends and had cut off the second she had left home, unable to think of anything that had something to do with Tyler. Years had passed before (y/n) had allowed herself to get back into all things storm chasing, which also meant catching up with Tyler and his work. 

“I miss them too.” Her eyes flickered down to his right hand which seemed to move in her direction but before Tyler could touch her, he pulled back again, balling a fist that rested on his thigh. It hurt her more than she had thought to see him like that, seemingly struggling just as much as she did with their newfound distance after all these years. And yet they were still bound together, by something neither could put a finger on. 

“Thought we could visit Mary Jane’s, for old times’ sake.” She couldn’t reply, not when one memory after another caught up with her. They had lost count on the amount of times they had chased in that area, grabbing dinner and coffees at Mary Jane’s at any given chance. A bittersweet memory that only worsened the heavy feeling settling on her chest. 

After parking the truck, she watched him round the car to help her down, keeping his hand placed on the small of her back for a second too long. It felt as if Tyler had to force himself to let go, to remember that she no longer was his to touch, even though it only felt right to keep close. 

“So, tell me, professor. What did I miss? What did you do the last few years? Your mom didn’t tell me much.” Her focus was ripped from the menu at the mention of her mother. She hadn’t told (y/n) anything about being in touch with Tyler, hadn’t dropped his name once. Every now and then (y/n) had wanted to ask about him, knowing that her mother was most likely at least watching his videos, but something had always held her back. Perhaps she had been too scared to hear of stuff she wouldn’t be able to stomach, wondering if he had moved on, if he had found another woman to spend the rest of his life with. 

“You’re still in touch with her?” The approaching waitress momentarily distracted them both, taking on their orders while (y/n)’s gaze kept flickering back to Tyler. Seeing him again had made everything more complicated, a distraction she hadn’t needed, but as much as she wanted to run and hide from the past, she also couldn’t stop herself from wanting to ask all these questions burning on the tip of her tongue. 

“Well, I call her every Christmas and on her birthday, and she does the same.” An unjustified anger simmered inside of her, drawing a frown onto her features while averting her gaze. It felt unfair that he and her mother had kept in touch, sharing details about their experiences and what they had done over the past years – all while (y/n) had fought so hard for a clean start away from her past. “Hey, look at me, pretty.”

“Don’t call me that, Tyler.” Hurt flashed over his features, a sight that only worsened the pain she felt deep inside of her. 

God, what was she even doing here? There was nothing left to say, nothing but a proper goodbye so she could go back to her day and forget the pain she had tried to bury six feet under. 

“Listen, (y/n).” Tyler reached for her hand before she could pull away, forcing her to keep her focus on him. “I didn’t do it right back then, should have sat you down and told you everything I feared and worried about. I should have given you the chance to make this decision for yourself. But I don’t regret giving you an out, you deserved to experience every dream, everything you have worked so hard for. Don’t blame me for wanting you to live the best possible life you could dream to live.”

“But what if all of those dreams had lost their meaning without you? What if nothing worked the same way without you by my side?” A tear dripped from her eye before she could try to wipe it away. She couldn’t read his expression, couldn’t read what was swimming in his pupils. Nothing but hurt and confusion that made her pull her hand away from his big one. “This was a mistake.”

She pushed herself out of the booth and rushed outside while more tears kept on falling. The shaky exhale leaving her drowned out the sound of Tyler calling for her, catching up with (y/n) before he pulled her against his broad chest. Sobs clawed through her as Tyler’s hand kept stroking up and down her spine, holding her close. 

“I got you, darling, I always will.”

……

“Here, do you need anything else?” It had been hours since her breakdown at the diner. Hours that had been filled with a shared dinner, memories that had been whispered about and eventually a drive back to her place. It had already been late by the time they had left Mary Jane’s, leading her to invite Tyler to stay in her guest room for the night. 

“I’m alright, thank you, darling.” Tyler shot her a smile before he pulled her in for another hug. With a kiss pressed to her hairline, he eventually let go of her, watching (y/n) leave the room after a few hesitant seconds.  

Her heart was racing until she found herself laying restless in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The past hours kept replaying, flashing past her open eyes while wondering if Tyler had managed to fall asleep. Seeing him again had ripped open all old wounds, leaving her confused and torn between too many sensations. For the last years she had tried to move on, had gone on many dates that had led to nothing but a hopeless feeling that she may never get over Tyler and the love she still felt for him. A feeling that had now resurfaced once again. 

With an annoyed sigh clawing through her, (y/n) left her bedroom again, freezing in her step as she found Tyler’s frame standing near the window in her living room, staring down on the city. Slowly, she moved closer, wrapping her arms around herself as she came to a halt next to him. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” His raspy voice made goosebumps rise on her skin, forcing her to shake her head while trying to keep her focus on the lights. A few seconds of silence passed before Tyler wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her against his side. “I missed you, pretty.”

This time she didn’t comment on it, could only push herself further into his embrace to search for his warmth. Wordlessly Tyler pulled her along to her sofa, plopping down on it before she placed her head on his chest, falling back into a routine that felt too familiar. 

“Do you think we would have been married by now if things hadn’t ended?” The question was whispered, rolling off her tongue without giving it much thought. (Y/n) had always wondered about their wedding, how it would have played out, who they would have invited and where it would have taken place. 

“Oh, for sure. I wouldn’t have been able to wait much longer before calling you my wife.” His soft chuckle vibrated through both their bodies, drawing a smile onto her lips. 

“I was so excited for it. It would have been the best day.” Tyler tightened his grip on her waist while pressing another kiss to her hairline. For a moment, neither of them spoke, keeping quiet as their thoughts began to spiral. She felt his muscles tense beneath her, making her wonder what he was about to speak while the night wrapped its comforting veil around them. 

“It can still be the best day.” Her heart skipped a beat, wondering what he meant by that. Her eyes found his, seeing the way he was torn by whatever kept buzzing through his mind. She wasn’t sure what he meant by it, and yet the way he looked at her, filled with something she hadn’t felt in years, left her wondering if he was still talking about the two of them. 

“What are you saying, Tyler?” His hand came up to cup her cheek, feeling her warmth pressing against his hand. Seconds of silence blurred by, making both their hearts race while he fought to find the right words. 

“I won’t ever be able to love anybody the way I love you, and that will never change. And judging by what you told me, it’s the same for you. Marry me, for real this time.” She pushed herself off his chest, rising to her feet with a teary laugh that was torn between excitement and sadness. (Y/n) stared down at him with her fingers buried in her hair, trying to figure out if this was just a joke fate was playing on her. 

“That’s insane, Tyler.” He mimicked her movements to draw her back in, hands resting on her waist. 

“You know what they say, pretty, if you feel it, chase it. And I’m so tired of living this life without you by my side.” Her body forced her to move, to close the distance between them with her lips finding his. Electricity buzzed down her spine, forcing her even closer to deepen the kiss. Kissing Tyler had always been an experience to say the least, two magnets that fit together, an explosion of heat and longing, and yet this felt even better than all these years ago. It felt right, more right than anything else. 

Without breaking the kiss, he picked her up, forcing her legs to find their way around his waist. Tyler carried her back to her bedroom, letting them rest on her mattress with him hovering over her. 

“Do you mean it? Really mean it?” (Y/n) mumbled the question against his lips. His fingers brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear, a warm touch that communicated what both felt at that moment, an undying longing that grew stronger with every passing second. 

“Marry me, (y/n).” Another laugh clawed through her, a sound that turned into a moan the second his lips found her neck, kissing their way down to her collarbones. 

“Alright, I will marry you.” Tyler kissed her again as his hands disappeared beneath her shirt to pull it over her head, exposing her naked frame to his wandering eyes. 

“You’re even more gorgeous, fuck. I can’t wait to make you mine again.” Her eyes fluttered close as he tugged on her panties, pushing them down her legs. Tyler’s mouth kissed its way to her aching heat, groaning the second he tasted her again after all these years. With both arms slung around her thighs to keep her close, he ate her out, letting his rough tongue brush through her slit before sucking on her pulsing bundle.

Moans and groans left both, high on the different feelings both were held hostage by. No longer could (y/n) remember if being with Tyler had always felt like that, all she knew was that she never wanted this moment to end. She’d happily be stuck in time like that, forever reunited with the one that had gotten away. 

Tyler let his gaze rest on her pleasure-drunken features, trying not to get too eager while his hardening cock begged for her attention. He’d fuck her all through the night and then some more in the morning, having to burn every passing moment into his mind to fight against the fear of waking up in a few hours from a too good to be true dream.

“Tyler,” his name rolled off her tongue, spurring him on to push her over the edge. (Y/n) had her back arched off the comfortable mattress, hands fisting the blanket while her first orgasm clashed through her like a ship hitting the cold ocean ground. She lost control of the moment, could only give room to her sounds the blinding sensation pushed through her. 

He kept lapping at her folds, prolonging her orgasm while he couldn’t bite down his proud smirk. Tyler still knew her body like the back of his hand, able to map her out even with both eyes closed as if she had always been his. 

“What will it be, darling? What do you want?” Tyler’s voice had grown lower, raspier even while he still lingered between her trembling thighs. He watched her heavily exhale, needing to ground herself before letting her twinkling eyes find his. 

“I need you inside of me, now, Tyler.” Without having to ask twice, he followed her command, getting rid of his shirt and his tight boxers before finding his way back to her. He watched her fish for a condom, helping him roll it down his length as both their hands shook from the anticipation and excitement they couldn’t shake. 

Somehow it reminded her of her first night with Tyler, the first time he had fucked her in the back of his truck in the middle of nowhere. It had been the best night of her life, or so she had always thought - until today at least. 

With his lips pressed against hers, he kept himself close as he pushed into her, slowly. Both groaned at the feeling, no longer used to being connected this intimately. She clung to him with her nails clawed into the soft skin of his back, needing to adjust for a few seconds before a soft “please” managed to leave her. 

They weren’t in a rush, weren’t set on chasing a high within a handful of seconds, but it felt too good to have one another back again, set on giving their all to the other. Every thrust hit her swollen spot, every thrust reminded (y/n) of the way Tyler had always managed to make her feel - as if he was the match setting a petrol station ablaze, a heat so strong it could melt her skin right off her body. 

Forever his, forever hers, a story so complete, neither could manage to put it into words. 

Their bodies met with every faster growing thrust, set on feeling her walls flutter around him while he kissed her breathless. She stared up at him, getting lost in the eyes that were filled with a love so strong, she was sure that neither of them would be able to let go ever again. 

“Atta girl, you’re doing so well for me. I got you.” He pressed a kiss to her neck while he deeply exhaled. Both tried to drag out the moment, hoping that they could stay connected for longer, but their bodies had other plans, needing another high while falling off the edge together.

Tyler’s hand found her right thigh, pulling it closer to her body to hit deeper spots that made both groan. She snuck a hand between their bodies to circle her pulsing bundle, desperate for the relief cumming around him would push through her. Encouraging praises and sweet nothings left Tyler, spurring her on to let go before he could. 

And then (y/n) came again, high on everything he embraced while another moan left her. Tyler fucked her for a few more moments, chasing his own orgasm before he groaned against her warm skin. The feeling buzzing through them both only grew stronger, keeping them united while they tried to catch their breaths.

“Are we really doing this? This is insane.” Her breathless laugh filled the room, leaving Tyler chuckling while he lifted his head off her chest. He looked at her for a moment, pressed a kiss to her slightly swollen lips and then pulled out of her.

“We are, and I can’t wait to finally call you my wife.”

[mosovi-vian]

And I will stay alive for my future self, so they can one day learn to be kind to who I was as a child. And I will teach them to honor who we used to be, so they can remember the comfort of what once was our untempered flesh and gentle soul. Me and myself are each a fresh wound and a rough scab, bearing respectively the gift of green faith and honed will.

This has been in my draft for a while because I was determined to post this only after I knew what I should write underneath it. I’ve read a lot on the concept of healing the wounded inner child since even before my c-ptsd diagnosis. However, I’ve sought as much comfort in my little self as they had in me. Looking back, I was an impressively emotionally-intuitive kid. I remember well how I used to think, the things I would write to my future self; they were wiser and gentler than I could ever hope to be as an adult. Needless to say, the little poem above is inspired by the aforementioned experience. Sure, big me is armed with a more developed pre-frontal cortex and access to invaluable resources (coping mechanisms, therapy, on and offline communities) , but I struggle to rediscover/reinvent my identity. Little me was the biggest vestige of my lost personhood. So yeah, this might be just a huge self-indulgent projection with my favorite character, but thinking that post-S3 Hunter would also be in my shoes is not completely baseless. 16yrs old Hunter is the fresh wound (a lot of things happened before his teen years, but I’m going to interpret the events of Hollow Mind - which happened when Hunter was 16 - as the ultimate boiling point in his trauma timeline, hence the ‘fresh wound') and 20yrs old Hunter is the rough scab. Each version of Hunter could be dealing with a different set of trauma-induced symptoms. I think his loyalty to Belos kept him going as a child. Being doubtless was important to Hunter back then; it held his sense of self together. And maybe when he survived and was rewarded the time and space to grow into his own person and live for himself, there was this lasting emptiness. I feel this sort of emptiness even today. My only reference of what ‘wholeness’ felt like was when I was obedient to my family. I equated self-abandonment as the righteous norm. The symptoms I deal with today are definitely different from when I was Hunter’s age pre-time-skip. Now that Hunter is in a safe space and an adult post-time skip, he might also need to seek that strength from his younger self. Reminding himself of how far he’s come and the parts of him that he'd like to keep from his past. The parts that he knows in his bones are purely his - not instilled by Belos, not inherited from Caleb.

[h-sleepingirl]

You Are A Wizard, So Pour Over The Tomes

Hypnosis is magic. It is not just “the closest we can get to magic.” Trance practices in all kinds of forms have served as the basis for mysticism across cultures and human history -- thousands of years. It is not new. It is not western. It did not start with Franz Mesmer or James Braid or Milton Erickson or Wiseguy.

Modern hypnosis stems from a rich human history of fascination and spiritual veneration of the mind’s power. We are practitioners of a comparably new discipline where we can literally change the way that other people experience the world. Their innermost selves are as leverage to us -- putty to us, when we know what we are doing. We can transform others freely. We can give pleasure or pain. We can facilitate experiences that seem to defy reality.

People talk a big game about respecting that power. What they usually mean by that is respecting EACH OTHER. That’s crucial, obviously -- not manipulating, not harming, being a good person.

But what about respecting the discipline itself?

It’s tempting to see what we do as disconnected from the “historical” and “outdated” methods of hypnosis. But we are a part of that history. We are likely hilariously wrong about a lot of things related to trance, hypnosis, the human mind -- what will hypnosis and psychology look like in 100 years? And even as we innovate, we are always building on the techniques and ideas that came before us -- in ways we are often not even aware of. We reinvent; we use ideas from the past unknowingly.

We have a right -- and a responsibility -- to OWN our magic. I am not here to gatekeep and say that this magic is not yours. It IS yours; it’s unequivocally yours. But as a whole we could do more to respect it.

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.” And hypnosis is not even a technology that we UNDERSTAND. The only real reason we DON’T see ourselves as wizards is because there is a huge motivation to legitimize hypnosis as a scientific discipline -- and non-rationalist perspectives are looked down upon in our culture. I’m not anti-science (maybe a little -- tongue in cheek) but I do think that labeling hypnosis as “just psychology” is dishonest about how much we actually objectively know about it -- and does a disservice to the phenomenon itself.

I’m not saying hypnosis is literally metaphysical. But I am saying we practice something very powerful without knowing its nature. There are secrets we have tried to suss out about this magic through history that we have written down -- past and present. We actually have tomes of knowledge, records of past experiments and modern inventors.

In the last couple of years, I’ve started teaching/facilitating “text studies” -- classes where we sit down with an excerpt from a hypnosis book and parse through it as a collaborative group. I desperately want to show people that there is value in just critically reading the resources available to us. The clinical texts -- especially older ones -- are hard to read, like they are almost in a different language. But it is amazing the insights we have come to by tackling them together.

These old texts are not pure truths -- there is a lot we’ve improved on over time. But we can learn a lot by learning what hypnosis was like historically. The entire discipline of hypnosis is extremely susceptible to change -- it is defined SO MUCH by how we view it culturally. I just recently was amazed at re-reading some Erickson where he talks about making his subjects daydream autonomously -- as a primary mode and result of inducing hypnosis. Contrast that with today, where if someone’s mind wanders for even a moment, they feel like they’ve failed. There’s something really important here -- a technique from 50 years ago that tells us something we’ve lost in modern practice.

And there are countless examples of this, of people losing and reinventing methods over and over. As I’ve watched our kinky niche grow over just the past 13 years, I’ve watched ideas phase in, out, and in again -- there is both growth and regression of our collective body of knowledge. That’s the nature of things, especially when we operate partially disconnected from the resources that are available to us.

We CAN be connected to the rich human history of trying to unravel the secrets about our minds, and about this thing that gives us enormous transformative powers -- powers that we take for granted.

You are a wizard -- so pour over the tomes.

Read a book. Read an article. Set aside some time and view yourself with the respect of being someone who can study and suss out a magical text. Take notes, look up words and concepts you don’t know. Or just absorb what you can on a first pass and go back later. Read a chapter or just master a single page. Romanticize the aesthetic of sitting with the scent of paper, or as the technomancer with words appearing on a screen.

Read. Own this art. And bring that respect of this art to the people you share it with. I promise you can do things with hypnosis that you have never thought possible.

------------------

This is a little motivational piece (for you and me!) as I gear up to teach "Analyzing Erickson" at Charmed. It's something I feel really passionately about, and I wanted to share it.

Permanently linked/free on Patreon.

[mapileonxputellas]

Beckham II: 3 Nerves

The third part is finally here! I hope you enjoy.

Masterlist can be found here.

9th February 2023

“Breaking news this lunch time, Sarina Weigman had named her squad for the Arnold Clark cup and included in the squad for the first time in nearly 4 years is Y/N Beckham.” England squads weren’t typically breaking news on the main news channels but this was no ordinary squad announcement. “Widely considered as one of the best players on the planet, Beckham has not been including in an England squad since the 2019 World Cup and her return dominated the press conference.”

Squad announcement press conferences are usually comminated by a few stories, the surprise inclusions, the ones who don’t quite make the cut. However when the list was read out it was immediately clear what all the questions would be about today as the eyes of world football turned to Sarina.

“Sarina can you tell us more about Beckham���s inclusion? Why has this decision been taken now after 4 years?”

“I know you’re all probably very interested in that so I’ll try and answer all of your questions. This hasn’t been a simple process for either party, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been watching her since I became England manager but it’s not that simple and we had to respect the fact that Y/N did not want to be called up. Over the past few weeks I’ve been working closer with her and we’ve agreed that now is the right time to see if we can make progress.”

“The squad has changed a lot since then but there are still players who would were in the squad in 2019, have you spoken to them about this?”

“I have not, I’d like to think that all players support each other and I know my players well enough to know that they will do all they can to make Y/N feel welcome in this environment both on and off the pitch.”

“Do you have any concerns around her desire to play for England and play for the badge. Will she have lost that fight in the past four years?”

“I can not prove that to you and I guess none of us will know the answer until she plays for England again but I would not pick any player I had those concerns about. I’ve watcher her play a lot for Barcelona and over this past year especially I’ve seen a freedom to her play. I just hope that we can all see that side of her in an England shirt.”

“David, were you shocked when the announcement was made?”

“I mean obviously we spoke about prior to the announcement but when she told me I wasn’t exactly shocked. It just annoyed me that people questioned her mentally because she is so strong now.”

…..

Everyone could tell you were anxious. Since the announcement on Thursday you’d been quieter than usual in training, your usual sweet laughter which your teammates loved had been replaced by a strained giggle and they could see you’d been putting pressure on yourself in every department.

Everything had to be perfect.

In the four days since your decision had been made public you’d received support from all your teammates but you could see they were also worried. Many of them had been here when you joined, they’d seen the aftermath and many of them had been your shoulder to lean on for months after.

Many of them watched on now as you retreated into your room, barely giving a second glance to the games currently taking place in the dining room, a tradition you were a usual member of the night before an away game.

Alexia and Mapi had noticed the changes just like everyone else, the three of you had a strong connection both on and off the pitch. Alexia had become an older sister figure to you and Mapi was your platonic soul mate. They knew your habits unlike anyone else and when the notebook you used for anxious tattoo scribblings had been out the entire journey to Mallorca it was clear your mind was elsewhere.

“You grab the pillows.”

“I’ll grab the blankets.”

The two of them scurried off to their own rooms, finding their entrusted items before meeting back at the door which they knew you would be behind. You wouldn’t have gone outside, your shy nature meant you struggled to have confidence in new cities, preferring to explore with others rather than alone as the sun went down.

Alexia knocked on the door, a moment of panic striking as they thought you weren’t going to answer before the door creaked open. Your wide-eyed figure stood in the crack, still in the tracksuit you’d travelled in rather than pyjamas.

“What’s going on?” The tree of you quite often spent the nights in each other’s hotel rooms, though those meetings were usually pre-planned.

Only you knew from the worried expressions on their faces this wasn’t a call to watch the latest film that had been released. “We’re worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

You should have known that answer was never going to satisfy them. “Please can we come in.”

It wasn’t even worth trying to persuade them, not really. “Sure.” They couldn’t miss the sigh you let out as the door swung open. “Make yourself comfy.”

In the matter of minutes you’d gone from sprawling over the double bed alone to shuffling between the two players, being welcomed into the arms of Alexia as the three of you shuffled under the duvet.

“We’re worried about you.” MarÍa admitted, smoothing down the hair draped around your face. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Are you sure because I bet if we looked in that notepad we’d find more anxious doodles than before. You’ve barely spoken two words to anyone since the news broke out.”

“I read an article-“

“Didn’t I tell you to stop that.” Alexia scolded you. “Those journalists don’t know anything about you.”

“But they don’t know that.” You argued back. “They’ll be reading about how ‘cocky’ I am on and off the pitch, how I flaunt my money, how I think I ‘own the team’.”

“If they believe that then they really have no eyes. Then they’ll see how you’re one of the shiest players on the team, they’ll learn how you could live in mansion but donate so much money to charity, they’ll see how much you work on the team as a whole. You do everything for football and they need to see that.”

“If they don’t love the person they’ll come to know then that’s on them.” Alexia agreed with her.

“Are you sure this isn’t about a certain blonde centre back?” MarÍa teasingly questioned you. “Maybe this isn’t about you being nervous about the articles and more about going into gay panic around Miss Williamson.”

“I told you that in confidence that you’d never bring it up again.” It was true, a few years ago you had confided in the two of them that you used to have a small (very large) crush on Leah at the time.

“And I’m tired of you being the third wheel in our flat, you’ve rejected every opportunity for me to set you up with one of my friends so now I have to think that it’s because you’re still pining for the girl.”

“I’m not pining for anyone, it was a stupid crush which has gone in the four years that I haven’t spoken to the girl.”

“Would you like to speak to her again?” Alexia asked.

“I mean obviously I’m going to have to, she’s the captain of the team.”

“Message her now.”

“No.”

“Why not?” I could only think of a million reasons why I wasn’t about to do that.

“Because like I said, I haven’t spoken to her in nearly four years and it would be weird for me to just message her the night before we see each other again.”

“So lets role play it then, you walk into the hotel tomorrow and she’s there, what are you going to say?” Alexia asked the question you’ve been asking yourself all week.

“Hi.”

Both of them looked like they wanted to tear out both their own and your hair. “Ok you can’t just say that.”

“What else do you want me to say?”

“How are you? Ask her about her life?”

“You want me to speak to the girl for the first time in years and ask her basically how she’s been since we went from speaking every day to unfollowing each other on social media and avoiding any chance of meeting since then.” You needed better friends in situations like this. “I’m not going heavy on our first conversation.”

“You will need to talk about.”

“I know but it’s not just her I need to have that conversation with, I was close with a lot of them and now I’m not. They should be just as involved in that conversation as Leah is.”

“Maybe you could design her a little tattoo, something like ‘I love Y/N’ on her forehead.” MarÍa teased you. “Matches your ‘I love Leah’ on your chest.”

“Shut up, just so you know I’ll never stop cockblocking you and Ingrid, I’ll be round for tea when I get back.”

“Bonnie told me she wants to live with me all the time by the way, said something about her mum abandoning her.”

“Fuck off MarÍa.”

….

The first person to reach out to you wasn’t exactly someone you expected. Mary Earps wasn’t exactly in your friendship group back in 2019, though because she was a part of that squad she was one of the players who you unfollowed in the following unfortunate events. You definitely therefore were not expecting to see her name pop up as you made your way through the airport, heading out to the car which would take you back to your parents’ house before you headed to the team hotel later on in the evening.

@1maryearps: See you later mate, we can’t wait to have you back x

Your emotions were so all over the place that maybe you should have expected this simple message to bring tears to your eyes. Maybe that meant you’d have at least one person on your side tonight.

You spent most of the meal with parents and siblings trying to do anything to avoid the thoughts about what was happening tonight coming back. You spoke to Harper about her homework, Cruze about his latest holiday and Romeo about his girlfriend. Brooklyn could almost sense your nervousness and kept up the conversation, which was all fine until you had to leave.

They knew how big this moment was and each gave you an individual goodbye before you got back into the car. As much as you would have liked to have taken your dad’s offer to drive you, this was all about being normal and being drove by David Beckham didn’t really give off that vibe.

You’d made this drive a million times before, only this time it seemed to take half the time and before you knew it the doors to St George’s Park were in view.

The only person in view was a single man holding a video camera, obviously preparing for the players’ arrivals This was hard and yet you knew this was probably the easiest step, he didn’t know you. You got out from the car, flashing a small smile to the camera as it trained on your every move, making sure to say a thank you to the driver, you turned to head inside.

“How are you feeling Y/N?” The camera man asked.

“Excited.” You couldn’t exactly tell him you were shaking inside. “I can’t wait to be back with this amazing team.”

“Two goals from you today….”

“All thanks to my teammates.” It was only the truth, you were basically set up for both goals by Aitana, you couldn’t do anything but put them in the back of the net.

“Good luck.”

“Thank you very much.”

If you were known for one thing it would be your punctuality, in fact you almost had a fear of being late. Maybe you’d done it on purpose this time to avoid greeting teammates in front of the camera but you were the first here judging by the table in the reception area being full of keys.

“Y/N it’s good to finally meet you in person.” Anja, one of the members of the England management team greeted you. “I hope you’re feeling well.”

“I’m glad to be here,” You settled for that. “I can’t wait to get back on that pitch now.”

“Well we’re glad to have you here. Here’s your key, we’ll meet in the dining area for a quick debrief at 8 and then you’ll have the night to yourself. Training schedules for the week are in your key pack.”

“Thank you.”

This place hadn’t changed one bit, from the entrance all the way up to your rooms you could trace the steps without even looking. You could hear noise out in the corridor but you stayed put, waiting for the clock to tick to 7:50 before making your way downstairs. With it being ten minutes early no one was there but Sarina and the coaching staff. Could this technically count as your first impression to them?

Their eyes trained on you as you entered the room. “Hey, thank you once again.”

“Stop saying thank you, this is all on you.” Sarina instructed, giving you a firm yet welcoming hug, an action which was repeated by the others. “Go and take a seat.”

“Thank-“ Maybe not. “Ok Sarina.”

You didn’t really know what to expect from the others, the squad was definitely a mixture of youth and experience. However even some of the more established players like Alessia and Ella were unknown to you on a personal level.

Thankfully maybe the first ones in were some of the younger players, Jess Park and Ebony Salmon were both the epitome of excitement as they entered the room saying a quick hello to the staff before slightly pausing when they found me sat on the first row.

“Hi.” You knew it was on you to make the effort. “It’s nice to meet you both.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Jess said taking the seat next to me. “You’re killing it at Barcelona.”

“Thank you, I’ve enjoyed watching you play this season. You’ll be an asset at city when you return.” You loved studying young players and watching their development. Jess was no difference in that, plus it helped to build up that connection on the team.

The volume in the room increased as more players entered. Some like Laura Coombs and Katie Zelem gave you a quick smile before taking their seats, other youngsters gave you a quick welcome.

The first real re-introduction you had was when Millie and Rachel entered, your eyes instantly connecting and it was Rachel who led the two of them over. You had always loved the two of them and almost let out a sigh of relief when they both greeted you with hugs, repeating how glad they were to see you. Lucy and Jordan followed suit, the two of them messing about and pulling you into a tight hug before taking their seats.

It was however the final people to enter the room that you were the most nervous about. Maybe you should have been thankful that when Keira, Georgia and Leah entered the room the meeting was about to start and all you could do was send a glancing look their way before Sarina had eyes on her.

She went through the logistics, just like happens every time before she got into the depths of the squad. “It would seem like this is the squad for reintroducing yourself. Laura hasn’t been with us since 2020 and Y/N in 2019. We just want everyone to remember that they’re here for a reason and we all play for England, we’re all a team.”

You blocked everything else out, vaguely scribbling down on your phone some notes about the timings and rooms you were needed in but it was all a bit of a blur. You took your time at the end speaking to some of the other girls, no-one seemed to be making a huge fuss about the situation but the trio had disappeared again and you knew you had to speak to them tonight before this started to interfere with the rest of the camp.

Thankfully you managed to find them, the three of them tucked away in the corner of the dining room, huddled around a laptop playing something in German.

“Hey.” Your voice almost cracked as you broke through the silence. “It’s good to see you all.”

You should have predicted really that Keira and Georgia would be your road in, though the two of them were fierce on the pitch they really were softies off it and you were almost knocked off your feet when they bounded up to you, both their arms wrapping around you in a hug.

“We can’t believe you’re actually here.” Georgia said. “This is just crazy.”

“It’s definitely different.” Leah finally joined in and that was the moment you knew even as she joined in the hug, she was the one who would be the toughest to crack. She wasn’t going to let you in just as easy but the captain part of her probably forced her to not let it show around others. “Glad to have you back on the team.”

“Thank you.”

“Take a seat.” Keira glanced to the free chair next to Leah. “We were just watching Georgia make a fool of herself, want to join?”

“Yeah I’d like that, I’d like that a lot.”

[doumadono]

ANNOUNCEMENT

This is a turning point for me. I've been silent for too long, but I can't stay quiet anymore.

I'm going through writer's burnout, and it has hit me hard. I've been writing on Tumblr and Ao3 for nearly eight years now (with about 1.5 years on my private blog, doumadono). Over that time, I've written more than 400 stories across various fandoms, created the Sinful Sunday event and a series that many people like, helped many with numerous emergency requests — so many that one masterlist wasn't enough to cover them all.

But all of this has brought me to a place where writing no longer feels like a joy, but rather a duty. In my effort to make everyone happy, I lost myself and took on too much, accepting even the most twisted and difficult requests. It made me anxious and unwell whenever I thought about writing. This is why I haven't been posting much these past few weeks. I missed the breaking point and let myself reach a place where I was seriously considering quitting writing altogether and closing both my Tumblr and Ao3 accounts.

There's something else I need to address. I feel completely detached from Jujutsu Kaisen and Demon Slayer. I no longer feel comfortable writing for those fandoms. From now on, I'll be focusing mostly on My Hero Academia. Even though the manga recently ended, both the manga and the anime hold a special place in my heart. I’ve fallen in love with the story and its amazing characters. This is what feels right to me at this moment. That doesn't mean I'll never write for Demon Slayer or other fandoms again, but not now, not at this time. Maybe in the future — who knows?

Some of you might know that I've been dealing with a flood of hateful anonymous messages. Even though I’ve grown stronger and no longer consider them relevant, it still hurts to read such nasty words. This is another factor why I need to take a break.

So, what's going to change?

Sinful Sunday will no longer cover requests, and the event won't be as regular as it used to be. From now on, I'll post some sinful pieces specifically written for this event whenever I feel it's right. I'll write only for the characters I feel attached too.

Emergency requests will be limited to two slots and will no longer have a 48-hour window to be fulfilled. Once both slots are taken, emergency requests will be closed until I manage to clear the current asks in my inbox.

As of today, my ask box has been completely cleared. I won't be replying to any past asks, regardless of their origin or topic.

Commissions will remain open, as nearly all the requests have been fulfilled.

Regarding the following projects:

The Kvitravn series will be completed this year, but I can't provide a specific date just yet as I'm still working hard to bring everything together.

There's also a new series on the horizon featuring Dabi in the lead role, with a psychiatrist!Reader as the other main character.

As for Kinktober, I made a hard decision it will not be held as an event on my blog this year at all.

As of now, I want to focus on my own little My Hero Academia based AU that I created with my best friend @crystalwolfblog , and this is something that brings me a lot of comfort nowadays, and it's what I want to focus on. I’ll likely create another blog to post everything related to this AU, to keep things organized (the blog will be linked to my pinned post). This little AU was and is my safe haven for the past year and half, and since it contains all of my favourite characters, I want to focus on it fully.

The time for purification has come. I need to rediscover my purpose and find joy in writing again. To those who understand and have stuck with me since the ThePaperPanda days — you’re amazing and adorable, and I can never express how much I appreciate you, guys 💞

I want to share one last thought. This isn’t a statement, but rather a plea to readers: please respect writers, no matter the content they choose to explore. Writing is not as easy as it may seem; it requires a significant amount of time and effort, often taking up our personal time to craft a story. Don't send anon hate. Spread love instead! The least you can do to show your appreciation is to leave a comment, even if it’s just a word or two. For you, it’s a small gesture that takes less than a minute, but for the writer on the other side, it may be a much-needed sign that their work is meaningful. So if you enjoy an author’s work, don’t hesitate to leave a comment. It truly makes us writers feel like we’re on cloud nine.

Love you all, Marcianna

[samuelsdean]

WooPea!

pairing: spencer reid x reader

summary: you start your day right, cracking science jokes & making spencer reid smile. the other bau team members be damned! or, you crack the worst jokes in the planet & emily has had enough of it.

genre: fluff

word count: 481

author's notes: one thing about me is i enjoy spencer's tangents so i hope you'll enjoy this one.

MAYBE IT WAS A LITTLE BIT IMMATURE OF YOU TO CRACK THE SILLIEST SCIENCE JOKES TO GET THE ATTENTION YOU WANTED FROM THAT ONE COWORKER OF YOURS. But who cares? One smile from Dr. Spencer Reid, and you’ve turned into mush, a completely melted piece of goo. What makes you want to crack stupid jokes is the fact that right after smiling brightly like he was the sun himself, Spencer would go off on one of his tangents, explaining the mechanics and science behind whatever it is you just joked about. 

And so, you do it every single day as soon as you enter the bullpen, Spencer quickly rushing to your side to hear what you have to say while the others—Emily, Derek, and JJ—are quick to reach their invisible soundproof headphones—ready to muffle the sounds of yours and Spencer’s giggles.

It’s surprising to them that both of you still haven’t realized that one is in love with the other. It’s cute but irritating. The amount of mutual pining and stupidity from two of the brightest minds in the FBI, being able to profile prolific criminals but not the person who’s always two steps away from the other. At this point, both of you were joined at the hip. If they saw you, there’s no doubt Spencer is right behind you, and vice versa. 

And today is just like any other day, you arrived with a new joke in mind, and Spencer rushed to your side ready to hear you. 

“What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded Genetics?” You perkily asked the man beside you handing you your coffee. “And thanks for the coffee, Reid.”

“What?” Reid questioned as he nodded at your thanks. 

“WooPea!” You laughingly replied as you could hear the simultaneous groans of three other people behind Reid. “You do know I could hear all three of you, right?” You frowned jokingly.

“We know. That’s why we’re groaning.” 

“Oh, come on, you guys!” Spencer came to your defense. “It was a funny joke! Gregor Mendel would’ve definitely said that. The Pisum sativum, or what we commonly know as the garden pea, helped him carry out a lot of key experiments that studied inheritance. Even geneticists still use that nowadays.”  

Spencer continued babbling which you encouraged as you both sat down at your respective tables. Both of you too lost in your bubble to hear the others, Emily sighed and turned to Derek and JJ.

“I’ve had enough of those two.” She muttered a bit bitterly. “If not one of them confesses by the end of the week, or so help me God! I will take it in my hands and lock them inside a closet to figure it out.”

Both Derek and JJ broke out in fits of laughter, catching both yours and Spencer’s attention.

“Hey! Fill us both in on what’s going on!” 

[changingplumbob]

First Impressions - Lara

How do you feel so far?

About the introduction meeting? I felt a little shyer than I would have liked, but you know that moment when you see someone and… your system just crashes? *laughs* Lara with friends is the type to put on the playlist, buy a few shots, and start a group dance, but Lara with Deanna… wow, did you see that look? She saw right through me! Because of that little “system crash,” I thought I might not have performed so well, but I guess my flirty recovery worked out *laughs*. I’m really happy with my ranking and hope to keep it up! I’m excited!! I don’t know what to expect, but I hope the stamina I have for eating a big meal is the same for whatever challenge comes next! And good luck to all the other contestants as well!

Apolline

Isn't she a bit too self-centered? I mean, I’m not one to judge people without getting to know them first; after all, I’m always around all kinds of people at the parties I go to, but none quite like her, to be honest. She’s studying fashion, right? I just hope I don’t get a lecture on how I should or shouldn’t dress *laughs*. But you know… maybe that’s just her way of being. Maybe she gives off this ‘I’m better than everyone’ vibe on the outside, but deep down, she’s just waiting for someone to pull her onto the dance floor. I’ll give her a chance… who knows, maybe she just needs someone to show her that life isn’t just about glamour, but also about having fun!

Callie

Ok, I already like this girl a lot *laughs*. I’m not being ironic or anything, she’s genuinely someone I’d love to have around. I mean, she’s on a TV show and still seems kind of lost; I love that!! How many people would have that kind of courage? It’s admirable, considering her social discomfort. Plus, she’s definitely someone I need to keep away from the sound system and any potentially dangerous cables *laughs*. But hey, if she trips, I’ll be there to catch her… or at least laugh along before helping her up!

Hana

I have to admit that while socializing with her, the thought crossed my mind that she might be a bit… dramatic. But now that I think about it, she’s someone who has presence! She walks in and instantly owns the room; if she has something to say, she’s going to say it. I’m not sure if it was some kind of clash between our personalities that made me feel this way, but I respect her a lot, especially for her life story. I just hope I don’t do anything to annoy her… or better yet, if I do, at least let it be some entertaining drama to watch!

Billie

I could tell right away that Billie has a mind full of creativity! She’s the kind of person who sees the world in colors and shapes that the rest of us might not even notice. I love a good party, but she seems to find magic even in the simple act of painting; it’s pretty fascinating! I have this feeling that if she ever got involved in a more specific competition with another contestant, she’d turn it into something so intense that it wouldn’t feel like a regular contest anymore, but rather a work of art, full of meaning. Wow, that might be the coolest thing I’ve said today; I guess her creativity is rubbing off on me too *laughs*

Elise

Elise is the type of person who knows exactly what she wants and goes after it without thinking twice. She has this strong mindset, not letting herself be confined by the conventions of life. I really admire that about her. She seems like someone who's always on the move, exploring not only places but also flavors and experiences; oooh I could really learn a lot from her, I'm excited!! I also think that if she gets the chance, she'll prove to be a strong competitor in the game, so I'll definitely be keeping my eyes on her *laughs*

Lara created and written by @simscici

[lazylattedgleam]

———————————————————————————————————

LOST AMONG THE PAGES

(A Zayne x NONMC!Reader fic)

(Word count: ~3.7k)

(Credits: All images from the net. Except for the color editing and brush strokes and writing are made by me.)

(Credits: Pinterest)

*TW: Angst, maybe not well written, NON!MC Reader, Reader has Anemia, heavy blood loss during periods, fights, shouting, feeling of betrayal and heartbreak, shaking, crying, unrequited love.

*Index: Reader speeches are white, bold and italicised.

Zayne speeches are blue, bold and italicised.

MC speeches are pink, bold and italicised.

Others are white and just italicised.

Thoughts are written inside single inverted commas and italicised, sometimes struck through.

Texts and chats have ‘Indented’ font.

Calls have double inverted commas, white and italicised. They are differentiated from other speeches. (Except for main characters like MC and Zayne, they will follow their color code as mentioned earlier and italicised.)

Actions are written inside asterisks, white and bold.

Diary entries have ‘Chat’ font.

If you’re uncomfortable with the following genre or any of the trigger warnings, then please don’t read ahead.

———————————————————————————————————

“She was radiant, held an aura of brilliance…She was a Yellow Rose come to life…”

Memoir: One. Memoir: Three.

———————————————————————————————————

(Credits: The Feels)

Time…07:21 a.m.

Date: 15/XX/2048

Day: Monday

Dear diary,

Hi…last night was well…we didn’t talk after that just went to bed…I fell asleep before him…I hope he’s not mad at me, because we did say our usual good byes this morning as he left for the hospital… but even if he was he’d never speak his mind out…that’s Zayne for you I guess…Anyways I’ll be off to work soon too at around 9:00-9-30, I’ll go make our lunches soon, and yeah…Tomorrow my periods start, I’ll have to keep the tracker ready again, buy some supplies, and medicines, I have a lot of stuff to do…I haven’t checked in on the flower shop either, I guess Raya did text me…I’ll have to update her on everything, besides there’s gonna a lot of shipment coming in throughout the day too, we’ll have to make the places for them, I’ll mention them about the place needing some touch up too and and and…am I forgetting anything? Hope not…Anyways I should get up now, go on with my day, soooo talk to you later.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I go about to get done with my shower, then get dressed as I pace around making our lunches, packing them all up in our respective boxes securely. It takes me around an hour and fifteen to do so, as I keep everything ready, opening my phone to text Raya.

RAY

You: Hey girl, sorry I’ve been busy with my doctors and tests these few days hence didn’t get the time to knock…I’ll be coming from today again, just wanted to let you know :D

RAY: oo yay we were missing you, and no worries it’s alright, how are you now?

You: Better. How’s business going? The new shipments are coming in today right?

RAY: Business has been good, although we deal with our daily dose of jerks but yeah you know it. And yes the shipments will be getting in throughout today.

You: K thanks! See you there then we’ll talk more :)

RAY: See ya! <3

Closing my phone, I check the time, it’s still a bit early than I usually leave, but I decide to go forth…

I reach in about twenty minutes by foot, after dropping his lunch off at the hospital, as I open the door and enter hearing the jingling of the bell, the sign still kept on “Closed”. Many greet me as I greet them back then going behind the counter putting on my olive green apron and headband, I access the register through the computer… “Last day’s sales have been good”, “Ikr, we are among one of the popular florist shops in Linkon.”, says Raya. “Ray! Morning!” “To you too! So tell me about the reports.” As we talk, while we arrange up the racks and baskets, the other handling the garden accessories and more…soon we open the shop as the customers start to come in…

We get our first shipment of lavenders and daffodils, completing the necessities before they leave off… “Good?” “Pretty good.” “They’ll make good sales” “Uh-huh”, as we tend to our customers… “Thank you Ma’am please do visit again!”, I send off the last one of them as I heave out a sigh, it was our break now so we’ll have an hour of peace. “You good?”, Raya asks… “Yeah, you know the fatigue is just getting to me…” “You’ve got in spare pads right?” “Mhm, I’ll have to buy more after work tho…” “Cmon let’s have our lunch then you’ll need to take your supplies and meds too.”

While eating, my phones chimes, as I open it.

UNKNOWN

UNKNOWN: Hey! This is (Name) right? I’m MC, we met at the hospital, Zayne’s friend…

You: Oh hey! It’s good to talk to you again, I’m sorry I couldn’t add you in last night.

*UNKNOWN saved to MC ^^*

MC ^^: No no it’s all good. Im actually on standby right now, just having completed a mission, so I thought I’d text you :)

You: Oh it’s my break right now too!

MC ^^: Great then! I was wondering about our coffee plan when will you be free?

You: I’m fine on Thursdays and Sundays, we close early on Thursdays, and on Sundays I take leave…but you tell me, you have it more hectic.

MC ^^: Thursdays are good for me too, I have lesser load well that is unless I get summoned…so Thursday around say…8:30–9:00 p.m.?

You: Sure works for me!

MC ^^: Great then see you soon! ^^

You: See ya :D!

“Zayne?” “Hmm? Oh no no it was his friend MC, she’s just moved into the city, we’re gonna meet up for coffee.” “Ahh…didn’t know Zayne had a friend.” “Pffft neither did I, but oh well.”

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Time…10:37 p.m.

Date: 16/XX/2048

Day: Tuesday

Dear diary,

Ughhhh today was hectic already, this one customer was at our ass, with demanding for a white rose bouquet on the last minute…told him it’s all sold out, but ofc he wouldn’t leave it, good thing Raya, took care of it…And after I reached, I got my periods, fuck it hurts like a bitch…plus the super heavy flow, I just want to lay in bed all day and night…This pain is gonna last till tomorrow, the first two days…I have to go in for work tomorrow, plus we have gotten a pretty huge order for tomorrow so I have to be present, ughhhhh! It hurts…I can’t cook dinner for the night…maybe I should tell Zayne to have dinner from the canteen and I’ll just go to bed…I’m crouched up into a ball, fuuuuuuck….I don’t want to write anymore…I’ll go now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I groan stuffing my face into my pillow and the other pillow, tightly against my abdomen…I need the heat pad, I still have to take my meds and supplies…ugh I don’t at all want to do anything…I wish Zayne was here now…I wanna text him or call him, but I don’t…anyhow Yvonne did mention he had many operations today, so he’s probably busy or at the OT still…This damned pain…sometimes makes me worry, if I have a Cyst or not…prolly will get an USG later…Although my stomach grumbled, my eyes were all droopy…I needed to sleep…but I am hungry…I want my heat pad… “I want Zayne…”

Don’t know what the time was, as I was woken from my uncomfortable slumber, I groan as I felt gently sat up, an aroma of something filling my nostrils… “Hey hey…cmon eat up…”, I slowly open my eyes… “Zayne…? When did you—” “Not now darling…eat up first, then we still have to give you your meds…it’s too late tonight, I’m sorry I couldn’t reach earlier, we’ll have the supplements again from tomorrow…”…he called me ‘darling’, oh how my entire being craved for his pet-names…He fed me, I felt a comforting warmth around my abdomen, as I find my heat pad there, easing the pain a bit…Zayne…he…he sounded so soft…compared to most days…and especially yesterday…I felt my heart ease up…maybe it was just me…

“Where did you eat?” “Canteen.” “When did you reach?” “Around half past one…” “What time is it now?” “Two in the morning…”, I nod as I continue eating the chicken sandwich and at the end some chocolates he got for me…I chuckle “Oh Dr. Zayne is letting me eat sweets this late?” “It’s your periods, you deserve some slack”, I see a hint of smile on his face, as I smile too…everything is fine…

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Time…10:23 p.m.

Date: 17/XX/2048

Day: Wednesday

Dear diary,

Today went well, business was good as usual, blooming hehe. It was a shitty day though, had been raining since morning, thankfully it stopped a couple hours ago…Anyways well it did pain like a bitch but I took some painkillers while working, so ya I could ease through the day, also carried some extra toffees and chocolates plus some sour patch candies, to keep my mind off of it. I’m really tired right now, and the effects of the painkiller have worn out, so it’s gonna start stabbing again, although I feel a bit better, think I can make dinner tonight…Zayne said he’d be early tonight so yeah… I’ll take another painkiller and get to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I do, walking over to the kitchen, prepping for dinner.

LOML

You: Hey when will you be coming back?

As I go back to making dinner after the text…After an hour or so I was done, as I place them on the table, washing my hands clean, wiping them before I check my messages again…

LOML

You: Hey when will you be coming back? (Delivered at: 10:40 p.m.)

“Hmm he didn’t reply yet…must be busy or finishing up.”, I wait up for him, while scrolling through my phone, checking the posts of my friends and family, reels to keep myself engaged…

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock.

It was almost around quarter to twelve, as I check his chat again…

LOML

You: Hey when will you be coming back? (Delivered at: 10:40 p.m.)

“Still he hasn’t seen…should I call him up…or better let me call up Yvonne and check…”

As I dial her contact—

Ring…ring…ring…

*click*

“Hey (Name)! How are you?”

“I’ve been doing well thanks! You?”

“Good!”

“Hey sorry for calling you up so late, but I just wanted to know, is your shift over?”

“No worries! And yeah, why?”

“Is Zayne working overtime again? I mean I texted him two hours ago, got no reply so I got worried, he did say he’d return early tonight…so I was wondering if he got caught up in an emergency or something. I thought of calling him, but then thought it’d be better to ring you up.”

“Dr. Zayne clocked out an hour ago with MC…they had dinner plans, Greyson told me… He didn’t tell you?”

“Oh…um no no oh now that I recall he did say he had dinner plans with her…thanks Yvonne, and again I’m so sorry for bothering you this late.”

“It’s no issue! But are you sure? I can tell Greyson to tell him to ring you up or give you a text.”

“Its alright I’ll call him up…bye have a good night!”

“Okay bye goodnight take care!”

*beep* As I cut the call…

…I sit in silence for sometime, but my mind is loud…too loud… ‘Again? Why didn’t he tell me he was gonna have dinner with her or that he had dinner plans…He could’ve told me, it’s not like I’m gonna restrict him or anything…It could be because he forgot…or maybe it was impromptu…but still he could’ve texted me, atleast let me be aware…It’s the second time this is happening…first he doesn’t ever tell me about her, and now dinner plans…What’s going on with you Zayne…?’

I sigh as I pour my portion of the soup in my bowl and keep away rest in a container in the fridge, to reheat and have tomorrow for breakfast…I eat in silence staring at my phone, while my mind blares with noises of, ‘why didn’t he tell me why didn’t he tell me why didn’t he tell me why didn’t he tell me why didn’t he tell me why didn’t he tell me—’

After I finish I wash the bowl and spoon and keep it in place…For some reason I suddenly felt like wanting to hit the sack asap…I didn’t want to ask him at all…not tonight…

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Time…07:30 a.m.

Date: 18/XX/2048

Day: Thursday

Dear diary,

Third day of my periods…the flow reduces today so does the pain, then again increases on day 4, finally coming to halt on day 5 or 6…I’ll still be taking a painkiller at work, plus I also have the meet up with MC…Speaking of which…I really don’t want to go…besides I didn’t wake up with Zayne today…I knew he left, I was awake…but I didn’t want to talk to him…besides I was too tired, and I palms and feet were sweating…I kinda don’t even want to go to work today…I feel too iffy for some reason…Am I jealous? But for what…MC? But…I chat make sense of it, and I feel too tired again…I don’t know if I wanna talk with him even tonight, let alone ask him anything…ughhh…Anyways I should get up now, get our lunches ready…should I give him a note? Act like everything’s normal?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sigh as I get off of bed, stepping inside the bathroom…Showering while my thought run haywire… ‘He could’ve told me…could he be hiding something? No no…he’s not like that…at least tonight we close early yay…’, as I went on to perform my usual tasks of the day.

Heading out, I was sure to carry my umbrella along with me like always in my bag. As I drop off his lunch and head back out…

…“You good?” “Hmm? Oh yeah Ray, just calculating some totals…” “You sure? You look down…” “Am good hon, thanks…”, as I brace myself and go back to focusing on work. During break time I get a text from MC, sort of disappointed hoping it’d have been Zayne given that my text was still on delivered from last night…

MC ^^

MC: Hey! We on for tonight right?

You: Mhm sure. Where are we meeting by the way?

MC: I have a great place in mind! You know Destiny Cafe? It’s really famous in Linkon, besides it was the first outdoor place I visited when I arrived here, well except for the HA.

You: Oh yeah I know it! Cool then see you there! ^^

MC: See ya!

“Hello excuse me?”, I look up at the counter, seeing an old lady. “Oh yes Ma’am how can I help you?” “I would like to have a bouquet of your fresh red roses and lavender dearie”, “Sure! My coworker will show you to them—” “Hey (Name) sorry can’t, family emergency call, I have to go.”, as Raya walks out the store… “I am sorry for the inconvenience but here I’ll take you to them. Please.”, as I gesture her to move ahead. I take her to both sections, as she picks out the bunch she likes, while I prepare the bouquets for her. After I was done, I take out the card she chose, “May I know who this is for?” “Tabitha…she used to be my best friend…once she died she left a void in my chest…she used to love flowers especially roses and lavender, it reminded her of her childhood…of what that could have been…” “I’m so sorry to hear that, may she rest in peace…” “Thank you dearie”, as she left after paying…Her words left me at an edge, I couldn’t stop thinking about it for some reason and her flower choices…Bright red roses and lavender, they contrasted each other beautifully and elegantly…

Soon it was time to leave, as I say my goodbyes, off to heading to Destiny Cafe…I am carrying a small bouquet of yellow roses with me, I didn’t even know I wanted to but I am…maybe the lady stirred something inside of me…

Reaching the cafe, I stand by the front waiting, as I open my phone to see new messages.

MC ^^

MC ^^: Reaching shortly.

You: Ok no rush!

… “Hey!”, as she waves and smiles brightly, as I return the gesture… “I am so so sorry, got held up by some Flux Anomaly reports, had to review them…” “It’s no problem…here.” “Oh my you got me something? Now I feel bad for not getting you anything—”, I brush it off by waving my hand, “Don’t worry it was impromptu, but I guess this is for the beginning of ur friendship? Since yellow roses symbolise friendship.” “Oh I’ve heard! Let’s go.”

As we sit at a table, order our drinks, she got a coffee black, whole I got a boba tea. “These are so beautiful, thank you so much for them! Let me at least pay for tonight to return the gesture!” “No no no it’s alright! Please your liking them is enough payment.”, I smile… “You’re really sweet, Zayne is really lucky.”, Zayne’s name icked me off, since he still hasn’t messaged me from morning or anything…and neither have I… “So what do you do?” “I’m a florist, I work at this flower shop down Hashcrew Lane.” “Wait you work at -insert shop name-? That’s like one of the best ones in Linkon! How is it like?” “It’s really fun, plus working among flowers is rejuvenating.” “Do tell me more symbolisms of more flowers please!”, I chuckle as I do, she chimes in too at times…

We talk and gossip, I noticed that she too keeps facts from her childhood herself, mostly mentioning some about Zayne and then her Hunters’ Exams and life in Linkon…

Time flies by as always, and we say our good nights. “I had a blast tonight thank you so much! We should do it again sometime?” “Sure! And me too thanks for such a lovely night.”

We part ways as I check the time…oh well not too late it’s like when a little late than I usually get off of work, it’s around five minutes to eleven. I walk the streets when I get a call from Raya..

*click*

“Hey (Name) could you please manage for the remaining days? I can’t come anymore this week.”

“Yes sure *I stop on my tracks, sitting upon a nearby bench* no worries, but what’s wrong?”

“Remember my mother had an Endometriotic Cyst…yeah it had increased in size, 7.3 cm…needs to be surgically removed…I’m not worried, cysts are really common…but it’s just…oh god…”

“I understand…don’t worry she’ll be all fine again…I pray that the operation goes all well…”

“Thanks a lot N/N, puts me at ease, but I have to go now, bye.”

*beep*, she cuts the call…

…As I open the door walking inside, taking off my shoes, only to see Zayne preparing dinner. He’s home early tonight. “You’re back.”, he says as I hum…I still didn’t want to talk to him, and neither did I want to cause another awkward situation while dinner, so I kept shut. Dinner goes by, as I take my medicines and supplements. ‘He’s not even himself gonna say anything about last night? Do I not deserve to know?’…

“I texted you last night…”, I start as I see his body language stiffen slightly, yet he continued to wash the dishes. “Are you…upset with me?” “Why would you think that?” “I don’t know ig maybe because I am feeling like you’re avoiding me. And what’s up with me getting to know from other people that you had dinner with MC?” “You had coffee with her too tonight.” “Yes I did but that’s not the point Zayne. The point is that I didn’t hide it Zayne, I’d informed you…I just…I just didn’t understand yesterday, first you text you’ll be home early, then you don’t reply at all making me worry that I had to call up and ask Yvonne. It was almost around twelve you had me worried sick! It’s different if it was your usual days, but not when you tell me you’d be early!”, my voice strains, gaining a sharp edge, laced with worry and desperation. “…It was unplanned for…she came over to visit as I was done for the day, told me since I don’t take care of myself at all during working hours and barely eat, we should have dinner together…”, hearing that ticked me off more, “That’s fine! But you could’ve atleast dropped a text or a call telling me! How long does it take???”, I raise my voice, my breath quickening, as I feel myself shake, so I sit back down on the chair and breathe in and out… Maybe he had something more to say but I don’t listen as I walk into the bedroom, putting myself straight to sleep…

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Time…07:57 a.m.

Date: 19/XX/2048

Day: Friday

Dear diary,

Fourth day…the pain has started again…my head hurts like shit, I feel really dizzy and nauseous…don’t wanna get up, especially after last night…Lord I hate arguments…especially with dear ones, I can’t handle them, they drive me to the edge…I hope he’s already left for the hospital, I don’t want to see him at all right now…Should I call in sick? I mean I did take a leave recently last week…on top of that another…plus Raya is not gonna be there her mother is in the hospital…Cyst operation… *sigh*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As I slowly and steadily get up, dragging myself to the bathroom, continuing with my daily routine…I really don’t want to make either of us lunches today—

—LOML

LOML: You don’t have to prepare lunch for me today…I’ll have it with MC.

I scoff to myself, ‘of course.’

LOML

LOML: Have some rest…

Im not supposed to feel like this over MC, when she’s just the sweetest, but can I blame myself? I really don’t wanna go today…

My mind wanders back to the anniversary plans I’d made and pictured in my mind for us…the surprise…I felt sure back then…but now…I can’t help but feel like maybe just maybe he’ll forget…The familiar unsettling feeling creeps inside of my heart again, I know the name of it, but I dare not utter out even in my thoughts…

As I bury it deep down once again…I take a pain killer, and go on with my dailies.

Business felt really slow today…or maybe it’s just me? I feel incredibly exhausted and fatigued, I just want to go back and rest my eyes…Feels like I’ll be better once I return back to my apartment after my periods end for the month…

…Zayne and I barely utter a word to each other tonight, just silently minding to our chores and activities…I have this urge for the need of at least a small apology from him…

(Credits: The Feels)

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(Credits: Pinterest)

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[thaenad]

do u have any advice for building feedist community? esp a queer/trans one. i’ve been lurking for ages but i think it’d b really fulfilling to actually do something about it

I can share how I did it! before starting anything, I named the group (abundance), created a poster with a cute logo on it, and marketed it as a LGBTQ2IA+ and fat liberationist group. I mostly took to feabie, I posted the flyer, put it in my bio description, and then using the location search, I began following people in my area. feabie actually allows you to search by gender and sexual orientation, so I did seek out some queer people in the beginning. I regularly posted messages to the timeline advertising my group with a link to a screening application - a google form with screening questions asking potential members what they want to get out of the group, what would make them feel safest to take part in it, as well as some questions regarding privilege, fat liberation, and consent. this is just a precaution to make sure everyone joining has a mutual understanding of how to participate in a group setting with safety and respect, and consideration for our most vulnerable community members (bc goodness knows there are some creeps on feabie). once folks pass the screening, I email them with a link to our discord server in an initial welcome message describing my intentions for the group and why finding community and spreading fat liberation is so important to our lives. the discord server is where we all communicate and plan events. the first event I planned was a potluck in the park, which took place last may. I highly recommend starting events in the summer where folks can hang out in a safe public space for free. as the group was expanding, I did a lotta reblogging on tumblr, including sharing it to my @fatliberation blog which has way more traction. I also created a group on the queer app lex which brought in a few members as well! HOWEVER. I do live in chicago, where there is a high concentration of feedists. if you aren't near a big city this might be more difficult, but I would encourage starting an online group if that's the case! also, it may surprise you just how many feedists live in your area. I thought that I would be lucky if I got close to 15 people to sign up, but as of today, there have been 58. not only from chicago, but all over the midwest. out of those 58 applications, 45 joined the discord. out of those 45, only 20ish people are active, and out of those 20ish people, usually less than ten people show up to events. but that smaller core group has become an amazing group of close friends. It will take time. so many months of preparation and networking. I think it took close to 7-8 months to get enough interest for that first meeting in may, and since then it has taken almost another year to get into a groove and get to know each other. but after that initial potluck, the ball kept rolling so easily. feedist community is life-changing magic. I had a dream that someday I could have that, so I took a lot of risks to make it happen - all while alone, lost, anxious, unsure if any of it would come together or if I was going about things the right way, just flat-out raw dogging it and carving a path. and it was the best risk I've ever taken. I feel overwhelmingly supported by my peers. I sincerely wish you the best and hope with all my might that you find your community. let me know if I can answer any questions you have along the way.

[thecircularsystem]

I’ve made a post like this once before but for the life of me I can’t find it again.

Essentially; in a book study I did for school, the professor of a class found he was struggling with his students when he asked them a question. They were getting what, by letter of the law, was the correct answer. The answer wasn’t wrong, per sey.

But it wasn’t right.

And the professor came to a conclusion, one that I see in my students today, especially as they trigger me into a literal panic attack at work, and immediately realize the consequences of their actions, because they just had to be the first to answer — had to prove they were correct, had to demonstrate they were good. It’s a worrying thing I see reflected around me, especially in the political climate I am in, with a “well, technically-“ thrown my way every minute. It’s terrifying as I look around tumblr and see this culture alive and well.

That conclusion:

Some people are more concerned with being correct than being right.

And lord knows that in the past day, I’ve lost a lot of respect for some folks in syscourse because of it.

There’s more important things than what’s correct. Try doing what’s right.

Please?

[coffeesleep-ooc]

Binghe nicknames

Today im reflecting in LBH’s nicknames, like, SQQ’s nicknames for him, fandom nicknames for him and SQH’s nicknames for him

why you ask? Because my brain is full of sv brainworms, that’s all

Now, this may have some inconsistencies bc it’s what I believe and im by no means chinese…let’s start with the most common ones to name a small Binghe

We have things like bingbing, binghe, white lotus, little sheep and bunhe. The first two look fairly straightforward no? From what ive seen, in chinese using a character of a person’s name repeatedly like this denotes a cutesy way of calling them, and calling someone by their name alone (as long as it has enough characters for that) is a sign of being close. LBH obviously loves SQQ calling him Binghe, nobody else gets that privilege! Even NYY calls him A-Luo and not Binghe, even though that is another way to denote closeness, I don’t believe its the same for him!

let’s go with bunhe, this is (as far as i know, do correct me if im wrong) a fandom’s name for the lil guy, im guessing it came from the english part of the fandom since its a play on his name and in chinese the term for bun would be bao/baozi(?) depending on the type of bun so it wouldn’t be as cute to call him baohe(?) sounds like another person entirely lol

but! Bun makes you think of a round white and soft ball, safe and sweet, unless you are of course, not chinese like me and at first you thought of a golden brownish ball of hot bread, which would work anyways bc freshly made bread it’s delicious and soft. Anyways, i kinda prefer the chinese imagery of bun for this dumb reason ill present to you: Bunhe is a soft round baby, you can nom his cheeks and squeeze him and call him only to see him following cutely! Its the best! But also, when you break the surface you reveal there’s a spicy filling that will leave your mouth stinging and your stomach warm and content, the problem is though, that your white little bao is now in pieces and you can’t reconstruct it, the white surface has been stained with the spicy red from hell and the bitterness of betrayal…but the sweet exterior is still there and it has shifted to become a delicious dish filled with the flavor of home.

am i getting too lost?

lets go back to nicknames! SY gives him the nicknames of little white lotus and little sheep. The second one is pretty self-explanatory, LBH follows him around everywhere like sheep tend to do (also, this is why little duckling also works) but! The consensus in the fandom is that he has curly hair right? Well, imagine a little boy with fluffy hair following you around and trying to help you with everything? It’s impossible not to want to pat his head and squeeze him, so little sheep it is.

now, i’ve seen that sv fandom uses white lotus a lot! SY himself uses it if I remember correctly, but i feel like sometimes we forget where it truly comes from and what SQQ is saying when he calls LBH that, its true that LBH is like a flower, whilting or flourishing on command like SQQ is his sun, his earth and his water. But from other novels i’ve read, I’ve realized that calling someone a white lotus is not necessarily a compliment! In chinese slang a white lotus is someone that looks pure and kind, respectful and pretty, just like the lotus flower peacefully and beautifully resting on a pond, but it also tells us that such a person has a hidden agenda, a hidden side to their personality just like the lotus has roots in the dirt, underwater where we can’t see, its growing and taking advantage of the nutrients of the deepest parts of the earth, so it’s someone “muddy” and “dirty” that presents themselves kind, pure and innocent!

Which means- that SQQ is calling LBH this to remind himself that even though this cute lil boy is obedient and sweet now, he will (in SQQ’s mind at least) torture him and show his true colors later on the road, after he has been utterly betrayed. I quite like this nickname because of how innocent it looks at first, and how sweetly SQQ is usually portrayed while calling LBH this, but he actually knows deep down that he is possibly playing with fire, and even so, he chooses to care and to ahow love to LBH -sobs-

LBH post canon ends up with a lot of trauma, attachment issues and insecurities, and SQQ calling him white lotus shows that he knew about LBH’s bad sides since the beginning. BUT. He. Doesn’t. Communicate. That!!!!! This dumbass!!!! (Affectionate)

Now, there’s also the nicknames SQQ-SQH use to differentiate the Binghes, and i find it incredibly funny too. There’s Bingge (Bing from his name and Ge from older brother), not only called older brother bc he is the original, but also because he is ruthless and cool beyond expectations (we see in the extras, that he is very intelligent and cunning, but equally as shizun starved smhw) he is strong and much more serious and bitter than his counterpart, not to mention the sheer number of women he has (which, as stallion power fantasy, would make him “more manly” but that’s another topic), so, older brother it is!

Sv LBH is usually called Binghe or even ‘my son’ by SQH, which i find hilarious bc SQQ hates it, he doesn’t want to acknowledge SQH as LBH’s father even if he is the creator. This is obviously a running joke but it makea me think of SQQ then accusing SQH of also marrying his own son (MBJ) which would be extremely funny and SQH would be mortified.

anyways, LBH is also calles Bingmei (Bing for his name and mei for little sister) and this is where it gets interesting, because they clearly could have chosen didi (little brother) but didn’t! And this reinforces the comedic role of LBH, he isn’t just a gay protagonist, he is a gay protagonist that - following the advise of his (unknown) creator/shishu - acts like a total maiden throwing a massive tantrum to get SQQ’s attention, he cries like a little girl, he tugs on SQQ’s sleeve with big watery eyes and becomes his housewife. Not only that, but his insecurities are exaggerated by his acting and it gives the impression of him having a massive maiden heart that will die dramatically if her husband doesn’t pay attention to her 25/7 (no, the 5 is not a typo), and it’s true that he has a maiden heart, but he can live without the 25/7 attention, he is just that dramatic. And obviously lets not forget about the picture of a previously ruthless stallion protagonist in the transmigrators’ minds actually turning into this kind of person that acts frail and cute for his husband, it’s just too much for them, and so, he gets called little sister, like a spoiled younger sister, the apple of her parent’s eye. Honestly when i first read that nickname I couldn’t stop laughing for a long while.

finally im going to babble about LBH’s nicknames for himself, we have, this disciple and this husband which are very contradictory but funny when used together. This disciple is not a special title or anything, because for LBH, he is *not* someone that should be special in any way, he just wants to be special to SQQ, who he adores and admires and wants to always protect. Many ppl call themselves ‘this disciple’ to address SQQ, its a way to denote their status and their willingness to be taught by him, to have a familial relationship outside of blood. Now, this is important to LBH bc he feels like he belongs somewhere calling himself this, especially bc he had no home before, and after when he was part of the peak he was singled out as special but in a bad way, so I believe that he just wants to belong somewhere, to a home. Later on, its also important to him because its a reassurance that SQQ still recognizes him as his family. This disciple, for SQQ is like a threat, but for LBH is a way of asking ‘do you still want me?’ ‘Do you see im the same person you shared your home with?’ And that SQQ doesn’t dare reclaim him at first hurts him bc he yearns to go back to being his disciple, cared for and protected under his master’s sleeve. But LBH also wants more than that if he can have it, and this is when the abandonment issues kick again. He calls himself ‘this husband’ in tears, because he got what he wanted and what he was sure he didn’t deserve for being himself, it’s again, a reassurance of his position in SQQ’s live and in his heart, it means he has the power to *stay*, which is the most important thing for him.

Ill finish here bc im getting mushy and weepy and i need to write and read more fic, thanks for coming to read my babbles and do tell me if there’s something or some nickname i missed and you want it studied too! 💖

[roo-bastmoon]

IMPORTANT INFO: issues around Jimin’s album

I have an ARMY friend (who shall remain safely anonymous) who works in film production for the music and entertainment industry here in the US. They offered me some valuable insights today into production limitations and possible issues related to Jimin’s solo album.

Below the cut is a transcript of their messages to me. I share this in the hopes it better informs our discussions around fair treatment of BTS members’ releases. It is by no means a definitive account of Jimin’s situation—simply an insider’s ideas on what likely happened around a few things.

I understand there are very big feelings about this topic, especially with the apparent differences around JK’s single, and I appreciate everyone’s viewpoints. However, if you choose to interact with this post, you will be respectful to others (including members) or you will be blocked. You are always welcome to DM me privately if you need to vent—we are all human and we all need a bit of grace, so you’ll always have that with me.

Sending you guys so much love, Roo

Anonymous Insider

Some “light reading” while you’re resting up and recovering, lol. This is all just based on what I’ve been watching and seen. Of course, I don’t have access to their production budget sheet and Korea works very differently than the US when it comes to production, but this what I’ve been seeing when it comes to their videos and particularly the promotions for FACE.

(I’m sending in sections, lol)

Alrighty - I’m still like deep in edit-land (still am two days later 😭) but I started typing this on the train between meetings, ha ha. (And am still on the train doing this, lol.) Also this rambles a bit I’m sorry! So the first thing I did was go back to the interview where Jimin talked about the music videos — it was a Japanese TV show and he’s talking with a host in Korean.

He’s talking about “wanting to do it all,” laughs and says, “I wanted all the music videos” and that “they” (the company assuming) said “무리다” which has its roots in the word 무리 which means a herd, a party, a group — basically “it’s too much,” “it’s unreasonable,” and “it’s impossible” are decent translations as it refers to something or an idea being “too much” — then the host and Jimin burst out laughing and the host goes “서리와 무리다” which I read as “sorry (in konglish) but we can’t” and they continue to laugh. So based on that —it sounds very understandable.

We can imagine Jimin sitting down with his team and planning out SMFP2 and LC videos, with the 30 dancers and all the party scene extras, and then Jimin saying he wants to do the music shows with 6 different sets in rented locations so they could have total control. And if Jimin in that process went “what if we made official music videos for all of them?” the team would understandably go “that’s just not reasonable!” 1) because it would give Jimin a budget no other member had gotten and 2) there aren’t that many production houses in Korea. It’s a very small scene — it may just logistically not been possible. There aren’t enough DPs and crew and editors. Sometimes, as a producer, you have to tell your creative talent “I’m sorry, but no.” — I say it every week!

So what about the music videos? Well, here’s what I know from meticulously watching all the behind the scenes for BTS videos over the years. They work with a small team. They likely own a good deal of the gear — they shoot mainly on RED cameras and heavy expensive Cooke lenses (which you can’t get this stuff easily in Korea. I lost a lens cap for a Canon CINÉ Lens in Seoul and it was like this whole big deal because getting gear there is an import challenge but anyways) they use MOVI and Ronin gimbal stabilizers and Jimmy Rigs a lot.

Recently they’ve been using technocranes but I wonder how many technocranes there are in Seoul. As I said, they likely own a lot of this gear which can help with costs. But we’ve also been told — and I’ve heard through my industry friends — that Hybe PAYS. And in Korea there’s no unions in the entertainment world, and often the rates are shit (hence Netflix investing so much there - blerg) their standard work week is also already 12 hours longer than the US. It’s a whole thing. and they spend so much money on sets. It’s incredible.

They rent these huge spaces outside Seoul and BUILD — I mean the build out for SMFP2 was astounding. They easily dropped 1million on that video. The rigging, the build-out, the custom set and the custom camera rigs to achieve the 360 shots - the drone shots. They’re astounding videos. No US label is spending that money on videos these day. Absolutely none of them are — my friend recently produced a video for John Legend. They were trying to pull the whole thing off for $100K which is ridiculous. It’s really almost impossible.  

But on the Big videos they spend a lot of money, but they also produce a lot of other stuff too (and these are often looked at as Performance Videos vs all-caps MUSIC VIDEOS) -— like RM’s video shoot at DIA Beacon… that was a much smaller, fairly single camera shoot — all shot on drones or a MOVI handheld rig. No set, they also didn’t like pay for the set because DIA: Beacon is an art museum — and similar a little bit to Letter for Jimin, which was much smaller set and easy in-house gear.

(And it was also released on Bangtan TV channel vs Hybe Labels Channel, which is a good indicator of how they categorize these shoots.) But the big videos, they go for broke. I mean they spend so much money and again they may own a lot of the equipment but there’s still so much people-power and labor involved. Take the dancers’ rehearsals. You have to pay people for all that — you have to pay them for the weeks of rehearsal, you have to pay them to be in a video. It is so expensive — like, I would not be able to budget that video for under 1 million, that’s how much it costs.  

So then Jimin wanted to do music shows —- and so because he’s Jimin and it’s BTS, Hybe rented larger venues and locations for all of the shoots. None of them use the actual Broadcast spaces or were provided by the broadcast studios. The smaller companies do though — remember when BTS first started out they went to SBS to film on the day? — but they don’t do that anymore. They rent huge facilities so that they could be a mini concerts for ARMYs to visit with Jimin and see him.

They also have to do this kind of outside of the city and they built huge sets because they’re going to want to show off if they’re gonna be on TV but that is so expensive. (I don’t think you were an ARMY then, but when ON was released, at the time it was the “biggest broadcast performance ever” and they keep upping that ante for sure!) It’s possible the broadcast companies spend some money but what BTS is doing is so outside the usual budget and given the tension with the broadcasters and HYBE — they (Hybe) wants control of their products, and so I think they pay for that control.

I can’t imagine they got out of any of those days for under $500K; I mean, there were two different sets, all the crew; they’re paying for all of it. We add it up and they probably spent close to $3-5 million between Jimin’s music videos and his music show performances, and I would be understandably like: “That’s it!” Like, that’s the budget for an EP, you know.

I don’t think Jimin could have it all because that wasn’t the case for the other members. RM got to lead videos and J Hope had pyrotechnics, which definitely costs money and safety and insurance. You know he had visual effects his first video (a lotta visual effects) and again a lot of challenging technocrane work, but I haven’t really seen them build something on the scale of what they built for SMFP2 in a very long time (or ever?).

We heard from the Art Dept that Jimin did not want to shoot on blue screen, so they built the set for him. This cannot be the same label that is shafting him — that allows him to spend that amount of money just because the artist said “I want to shoot in a real space!” because I’m gonna be completely honest— he could’ve done that on a blue screen — I’m glad they built a real world because BTS almost always shoots on Blue/Green Screen. They build him a huge set like that. It’s absolutely incredible.

I was also reminded this morning that people are talking about radio for Like Crazy and not supporting the song — and I just keep thinking that they did exact rollout for Butter, Dynamite, and Permission to Dance. They released Like Crazy. It had both a Korean version and English version. (Obviously that wasn’t the case for the English BTS songs.) They released two additional remixes. Then they kept releasing, like, alternate cover versions — alternate covers of the main remix, alternate cover the other remix. They were trying to maximize the direct-to-consumer store and exact same way they had tried to maximize it with Dynamite and Butter and Permission to Dance.

The way you were buying Like Crazy was the same process I took on Dynamite. They did the exact same playbook. So the fact that they were unable to get the kind of radio play they wanted or maybe they weren’t prioritizing radio because they knew that they were gonna have a better chance at direct to consumer sales... Maybe they didn’t want to fight radio. Maybe Geffen was like “We don’t have the right ‘Ins’ yet!” — I’m not sure, but the fact that they got completely screwed over by Billboard doesn’t mean that they weren’t actually rolling it out in that way, because as soon as they started doing the whole alternate cover thing, I was like: “Well, they clearly want us to try to go for number one!” You know, “They clearly think that they are going to be able to get number one on the hot 100 and we’re gonna use these sales to do that!” And clearly that’s all changed now.

They keep changing the rules on us, so — with JK, they’re obviously trying to, you know, use whatever tools they have available to them at this point.

Finally, when it comes to restocking the digital single CD. There are still albums available in the store. So why would they manufacture and ship more (likely thrown away) plastic that’s just for one song, when those CD singles only serve to raise sales for the charts? All of the other member’s CD singles are out of stock except The Astronaut, which they treated more like a proper album a bit (kinda like the Butter CD releases). Because they still have both versions of his full albums in stock, so if I were Hybe, I’d be like “No,you need to buy the album, we still have albums, we’re not going to sell you a single song when you can buy the album!” That makes more sense to me. The albums cost more.

TL:DR, haha — so I feel like this narrative around Jimin’s release has been ramped up because, from my professional opinion, he’s had the most expensive release so far (by far) and if we want to compare him to, say, Beyoncé — well she owns her own production company (Parkwood Entertainment), so she can funnel her own money into a Visual Album, I don’t know if Jimin has considered that at this point in his career, but in the future, he might!

((Not including costs for Suga’s tour because that’s a whole other thing, and the tour probably made money I would expect to balance out the cost of the tour itself))

Anonymous Insider

This isn’t to say that the other things, the part where he didn’t get the cake celebration, or the posts, the issues with the linking and this general feeling that Jimin was short-changed in these things isn’t valid and understandable. I think Hybe relied too much on D2C sales and I don’t think they leveraged their might as much as could have for JM. They could have risked more for him.

{This is an end of Anonymous Insider’s messages to me. They noted that they are an intermediate non-native Korean speaker so please excuse any translation errors. They translated things themselves using Naver tools that aligned with the video subtitles.}

So, listen, I still don’t think Like Crazy was sent/promoted to radio (which was a mistake and still is a mistake) and I am furious at the shady articles and lack of celebration for Jimin…

But after reading the way the members approach their work in the Beyond the Story book and now hearing from someone who produces these works for a living, I have to wonder if the company was doing everything they knew how to do for Jimin, but the second it didn’t work out because of the western music industry culling streams and sales, they pulled back all their resources and pivoted for Yoongi and JK. (I also wonder if leadership shut up about it all due to liability issues, or not to cause bad blood with the music industry for future releases.)

Again, I’ll never forgive the lack of celebration and the split streams (not without a great explanation), but at least now I think there’s a good chance no one was actively trying to sabotage Jimin on purpose. They seemed to have wanted that #1 and then it all went to shit because Billboard and radio want to get paid. Maybe leadership decided not to put any more resources into Face but instead pivot for all the future music coming out (including PJM2.)

Perhaps I'm a cockeyed optimist. I’m just hoping like hell they never engage in payola. I want all our boys to win, but I want us to win fairly. And even if everyone cannot have the same investment every time on every project, I hope when they come back together in 2025 that everyone feels good about their solo works and each other. This is my prayer. Love, Roo

[colleybri]

Past The Rust

I thought long and hard about what to do for today’s “That’s just love” relationships theme for @andorappreciation … there are so many complex and beautiful relationships in Andor. This is one that we see so little of but care so much about because we can see exactly what Clem meant to Cassian. Using his name at the heist, acknowledging his Jyn-like naivety that the Empire is not a problem if you just ignore their flag, the horror of the memory of what happened that cold day 13 years ago… and finally the simple and happy father-son-making-a-mess memory that allows Cassian to grieve properly, perhaps for the first time.

Clem, like Nemik, knows it’s important to look past the rust. To see the value in something that had been discarded as worthless and not fit for use. That’s Cassian. He cleans up nicely.

Anyway, hope you enjoy this internal monologue.

…

I’m sorry that I never did call you “Dad” while you were alive.

Perhaps if your name had started with the same letters it would have been easier for me. Perhaps you were a little jealous when, while I was learning your language, I said “Ma” and you and she had realised about the coincidence for the first time. She had laughed and looked delighted, and I had smiled. So had you, but a little sadly, I thought.

But I used your name with the exact same love. And in time you became to me the figure I thought I had lost forever: my father. My Dad.

I’m sorry, too, that I haven’t thought about you often enough in the way that I would have preferred to. What I mean is - I thought about you a lot. Every day. But always with the association of what happened to you. And to me. Your memory had always brought me pain, because even when I remembered you alive I also saw you dead. Cold, stiff and dusted with frost. The rope, creaking. And I always tasted the acid bile of my grief and my horror and my pain, retched into my mouth, burning me so badly that I would always swallow it back down so it could churn and boil below, contained as much as I could contain it.

See? Even now, though I’m not much good usually with fancy language, the horror is apparently more vivid to me than the joy of remembering you. When I let it overpower me again.

But I’m changing that. I’ve already started, I think.

You see, a few months ago I was asked to do something brave. I was going to be paid for it, but the danger was clear to me from the scale of the job. It turned out to be even worse. But before I knew that … I chose to be you. I chose your name. I thought I could make you live again, a little, through me.

I know you told me, before you died, that it was “not our fight”. I love and respect you enough to tell you that you were wrong. I knew it then, deep down, and I know it even more now. Then, I fought in the only way I knew how to. With just my rage and sense of justice - and a stupid stick. And I paid the price for all that so bitterly that I went on to convince myself that you had been right, and that the fight wasn't ours and was something to avoid.

But you can’t avoid this. You just can’t ignore it. Because if you ignore it, it doesn’t go away. It just gets worse. We have let it get worse and worse and it’s almost too late to do anything about it. Almost, but not quite.

I learned this lesson for myself. I can’t ignore what is happening, not anymore.

When I first used your name - borrowed you - I was like you: a man who didn’t want to fight, but one who grew to love and respect his new family members. So I ended up wanting to fight for them.

And just as you had welcomed me into your life and your heart despite your early misgivings, so too I learned to love, and to care for others outside of my own circle. I didn’t want to give up on them. I grew to care.

So you might not have approved, at first, of what I chose to do but I think that in the end you would have been proud of what I did. And what you did too, living on in your name, as part of me.

I was so proud to have you with me.

And I had you with me again, earlier tonight. I came here for Ma's funeral. Though I can’t mourn her yet. There's too much raw pain - I can hardly stand to think about it all, can hardly stand to think about her. All I can think about is how I left her. How I had only just missed her. So I went straight to you, for comfort, perhaps in the knowledge that I can now properly mourn you. And this time, the memory came bright and pure and hopeful. I didn’t see your body and I didn’t think of the pain. I thought of you, whole. A simple happy memory from simple happy times. It made me sad, of course, but I smiled anyway. You had lived again for me, and this time through a loving memory. But also one with a lesson. It’s like you were trying to speak to me, having me remember that particular moment. I am pretty good, I am discovering, at learning. You would be proud of me, I think, if you could see how adaptable I am becoming. Practically, but also in terms of understanding and acting on … I suppose I should call them: deeper messages.

I cleaned up nicely, I think. People didn’t look past my rust. But there is still a lot of good in me. Iron. Pure Ferrix iron. I am dissolving away my rust in new resolve. You see, I need to be put to use again. I have salvaged myself from the yard, been repurposed as a weapon. I have been welded together with my need for freedom and justice. I have been oiled with new resolve. And I have been fuelled with love.

I don’t know how effective I will be though, as this weapon, against such a huge and solid fortress of hate and oppression. Just like Nemik describes - I’m alone, unsure and I feel dwarfed. I have lived and loved and lost so much.

Bix. Tomorrow, I am going to die, probably, trying to save her - even though maybe there's nothing left to save except her honour and her memory. I will fight for her because I love her, and I owe her so much that I could never hope to pay off my debt - except like this. I don’t think I valued love enough until I accepted once again how hard it is to lose it. But also because if I don’t try, I will have failed in this fight before I have even properly started.

If I live, if I succeed, I think I will go on fighting. I think I have found the man I really am. Either way, I don’t want to go back to who I was in these years since I lost you. I like the new me better. Because I respect him. Because he reminds me of you, at your best. I will keep my eyes open. I will look for possibilities everywhere.

I think I have a choice, now. If I hide or run again, none of this will go away. And nothing that I have done will matter. I have to fight. I have to save those I love. Those I have left. Those who are still alive, but also the the memory of those I have lost. You. Ma. Kerri. My first parents. Nemik. Kino. All the others. But I also simply have to try to stop allowing others, who I don’t even know, to be forced to feel the same pain that I have - of this injustice, this tyranny, this hate. I have to help bring the Empire down or die trying. That’s something I know beyond doubt that I can do: I can try.

I will try.

I know you always loved me. Maybe now you can be proud of me too. As I can be proud of you.

I love you, Dad. And I’m so proud to be your son.

[starr-angelofnarnia]

Accidental Hate

I’m certain I��m going to get hate for this, but I’ve been thinking about something a lot since coming to terms with the election results. Overall, I would say the democratic party, leftists, progressives, whatever name you have for the group is far more empathetic than the opposite side of the political spectrum. The term “bleeding heart liberal” always makes me laugh because it’s said as if it’s an insult. You’re looking down on me because I care about others? That’s not the flex you think it is.

But there is a concerning trend within the democratic party in the U.S. that I honestly think has a MONSTROUS impact on why we are where we are today. Plain and simple, a bad habit has developed of labeling things as -ist or -phobic when they just aren’t. I’m going to share some examples and I’ll start with the most immediate example that has me considering this in the first place.

“Kamala Harris lost because Trump supporters are sexist and racist.” No. I’m sure there were some voters who voted against her for being black and/or a woman. But that’s not the majority. The number one reason cited for voting Trump over Harris was the economy. THE ECONOMY. People are struggling to afford basic needs and they don’t think Harris is going to address that. Now, this is a problem with corporate greed (which Republicans escalate) rather than the economy. But that’s not an issue of race. That’s not an issue of gender. That’s an issue of more and more people struggling to put food on the table.

“But they want greater border control. That’s also racist.” Yes. It can be. But remember that fear about the economy? Most people assume that money that should be going to Americans is going to support people who enter illegally. And immigration in general is very nuanced because you have people here legally but temporarily, people here legally who overstay their welcome, naturalized citizens, people seeking refuge and probably more I’m missing. Concerns that borders need to be closed are coming (mostly) from people who are losing their jobs and struggling to survive. Assuming these people are racist ends up being classist because these concerns are coming mostly from the poor and undereducated.

“Jordan Chiles lost her medal because of racists.” Again, no. Anti-American, possibly, considering the nuances of international sporting competitions and human bias (because the US has dominated women’s gymnastics for decades now and other countries want to break that record). But it’s not racist. And anyone who thinks it is, clearly didn’t watch the competition in question. The medal issue is a problem with the International Gymnastics Federation, the International Olympic Committee, and the Court of Arbitration for Sport. And again, there are so many nuances here (it should not be impossible to earn a perfect 10) that makes it difficult. But to call it racist is a stretch. Especially considering Romania (the team that ended up with the bronze), has called for FIG to give Chiles’ medal back, as it was a clerical mistake.

“I can’t believe people stopped buying a brand of beer because the company chose a trans woman as a spokesperson.” This one really ticked me off because Dylan Mulvaney became popular by making videos with disgusting stereotypes of women. I’ll give her the respect she deserves by using her proper pronouns, but she did cause harm with some of the stereotypes she used. Some of the backlash was transphobic. A portion of the backlash were women who felt their voice was being taken away by someone making a mockery of them.

“J.K. Rowling is trans-phobic.” I don’t know her. Maybe she is. (I mean, fuck, she DEFINITELY crossed a line in her criticism of Imane Khelif). But she’s also had some valid points. There are biological differences in men and women that can be dangerous to ignore. A trans-woman can be killed by testicular cancer. A trans-man can die from uterine cancer. Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to learn about a chronic illness that impacts the uterus because I fear I might have it. And finding information on it has been difficult because it has been wrapped up as a trans-gender issue. A person with the illness might be trans-gender, but to even be diagnosed, they would have absolutely been born a woman. Trans-issues are real, but they shouldn’t be wrapped into women’s issues. Both are dangerously under-represented. And quite frankly, I don’t want to be known as a “person who menstruates either.” Again, it’s complex.

Hatred toward people based on their sexuality, gender, race, ethnicity, religion and so on are very real problems. Behaviors and rhetoric that are harmful to minority groups absolutely need to be called out and blasted. But these problems are being over-labeled, slapped on an issue that is more nuanced. And in this habit of over-labeling behaviors as hateful, we’re exposing ourselves as harboring our own kind of hate: hatred toward the lower class, toward the uneducated. By crying “racism”, “sexism”, “homophobic”, “trans-phobic”, etc. for nuanced issues, we’re unintentionally othering, and being classist and educational elitists.

Bottom line: we cannot fight hatred with hatred. And for a significant percentage of the United States, the declaration of democratic policies are anti-poor and anti-undereducated.

[jaehyunspeachparty]

Hi, I don’t know if anyone remembers my story. Lately, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and wrote my thoughts down. That’s why I wrote something down and somehow it got longer and longer. Maybe some want to read it. I hope you’re all doing well ❤ ____________________________________________________________

Chuseok with the Jung's (a sight into the future) “Miga Jung has once again been nominated for Best Actress,” blared the TV. “I don’t think she’ll win it again this year,” said one of the hosts. “Do you think so?” came the immediate counter-question. “Lately, she’s been giving off more influencer vibes. I can’t take her seriously as an actress anymore.” Miga sighed and finally looked up at the TV. She had been sorting gifts for her family and just wanted something on in the background. But suddenly, the TV turned off, and she heard the remote control drop onto the cold stone surface of the kitchen counter. “Silence is nice too,” she heard her boyfriend's voice as she felt his soft lips on her shoulders. “He’s kind of right,” she sighed, turning around. Hyunjin stood in front of her, gazing at her with his dark eyes. He was about to disagree, but then the doorbell rang. Miga gave him a quick kiss before pulling away to open the door. “Hi, Gomo!” A little girl stood on the doorstep. Miga beamed as she saw her young niece. She was incredibly proud of her and often had her over. “Hello, Naomi, you look so pretty today.” The little girl began to giggle. “I’ve got everything.” By now, Hyunjin had packed all the gifts and the pre-cooked food. Sunoh and Chichi stood behind their eldest daughter, also ready to go. The special thing was that Chichi had just given birth to another daughter, named Rei, only three weeks ago. Rei was snugly wrapped in a cloth against her mother. Together, they were heading to their parents’ house to celebrate Chuseok. “No rush, Kiwoo and Dad haven’t even left yet,” said Sunoh, noticing his best friend looked a bit nervous. “I don’t think Hyunjin is worried about the time,” Miga winked at her boyfriend and lifted Naomi into her arms. “Are you still scared of Dad?” Sunoh laughed, and together they made their way to the elevator. Since they all lived in the same building, it was easier to leave together. “Scared is an understatement.” Hyunjin raised his eyebrows but stayed quiet. “Dad only has a problem with the fact that, according to the company, we’re not supposed to be together. I’m sure he respects you as a person,” Miga said as the elevator arrived and the family stepped in. “I’m not so sure,” Hyunjin said quietly, but no one heard him.

Kiwoo bent over the girl and kissed her. His hands were all over her body. "I like your underwear," he breathed while removing them. "This is my Chuseok gift for you," she breathed, showing off the red bra she bought especially for him. But Kiwoo stopped and looked at the girl with wide eyes. "What?" she asked with an uncertain laugh. "Whats the time?" he asked horrified and broke away from the girl. She looked a little hurt and pulled her dress back up. "11am", she said hesitantly and looked at him. He put his shirt back on and tried to fix himself up as best as he could, making sure nothing was noticeable. He glanced at his phone and saw all the missed calls from his father. “Shit, I’m in trouble,” he cursed. It was a habit he needed to break—his manager was always on him about cursing too much. “Kiwoo,” he suddenly heard, and the voice didn’t sound friendly. He squinted his eyes and slowly turned around. “Where were you?” Jaehyun stood in front of him, looking at his son. “Uh… I was still training. Sorry, Dad. I lost track of time.” Kiwoo lowered his head and looked at the ground, guilt evident in his posture. Jaehyun wasn’t entirely convinced. His son often had trouble on his mind, but at the same time, he was incredibly charismatic. He’d caused plenty of trouble, but even the top boss at SM always forgave him. “Do you have anything else with you?” Jaehyun asked, noticing Kiwoo was only wearing sweaty workout clothes. “I… can’t this work?” Kiwoo knew exactly how charismatic he was, and he smiled with a wink. But that didn’t always work with his father. “You know your mother expects you to dress properly,” Jaehyun crossed his arms. He was a bit annoyed with his son. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve got something with me.” “Hurry up. Your siblings are already on their way,” Jaehyun sighed and shook his head. They were definitely going to be the last to arrive.

Geon sat at the table, continuing to study, while you prepared the food for the day. Your son had been studying diligently for weeks, deeply buried in his books. His beautiful hair had been shaved off since he had been in the military. But since then, he had changed and withdrawn more and more. You hoped that the holidays would help him relax a bit again. Something had happened to Geon in the military, and you didn’t like it at all. “Here, some vitamins.” You set a plate of sliced fruit in front of him and gently stroked his shoulder. But in that moment, Geon flinched briefly, until he realized it was only his mother standing next to him. “Thanks, Mum,” he said, adjusting his glasses. In that moment, you felt tears welling up. Something was going on inside your son, but you couldn’t help him. He was so different from your other children. Geon had always been introverted. His twin brother, Kiwoo, was more prone to trouble, and ever since certain hormones started surging through his body, you had to keep an eye on him so he wouldn’t constantly end up in some girl’s pants. A few times, he received a “gift” from a father or you had to bail him out of tricky situations. 

As you continued cooking for the next few minutes, Geon kept studying, but soon you heard the door open. “Go on ahead to Grandma,” you heard Sunoh’s voice, and it still sent chills down your spine when you heard the word "Grandma." “Grandma!” You suddenly saw a black-haired figure slowly making their way into the kitchen. “Naomi, it’s so nice to see you!” You hugged your granddaughter and gave her a kiss on the forehead. You never thought you and Jaehyun would become grandparents so soon, but Sunoh and Chichi were quick. “Mum!” Miga entered with Hyunjin following shyly behind her. You hugged your daughter. Even though you saw each other regularly, it was always nice to see her. Over time, you had developed a really beautiful, friendly relationship, and you were thankful for that every day. You also really liked her boyfriend—you thought he was perfect for her, even if Jaehyun didn’t agree. But after what you learned about Jaemin (which Jaehyun didn’t know), you were glad she had someone kind and caring by her side. “Hyunjin, it’s great to have you here.” You hugged him and noticed the relief in his face that at least one of his girlfriend’s parents accepted him. “Thank you for letting me join the celebration.” He bowed politely, but you gently straightened him up. “You’re part of the family here. We’re happy to have you. Take a seat.” You smiled, and somehow, having everyone back in the house made you feel happy. The house had lost a bit of its liveliness since all the kids moved out. “Oh my God, who’s that coming?” You didn’t even get the chance to greet Chichi and Sunoh properly before you were already taking little Rei out of their hands. “Ahhhh, she smells so good,” you said, pressing the newborn girl to you. It was so nice to have a baby in your arms again. “Yeah, Mum, we’re here too,” Sunoh said, rolling his eyes with a smile. “Sorry, ever since you’ve been bringing such sweet babies, I can’t help it.” You kissed little Rei on the forehead. By now, Miga was already by her younger brother Geon, hugging him. “I miss your hair,” Miga said, gently stroking her little brother’s head. Sunoh crossed his arms and looked a bit concerned at Geon. “Basic training is over. Can’t you let your hair grow out?” “Yeah… no… not for me…” Geon couldn’t bring himself to meet his brother’s eyes. Sunoh had already been through the military; he had some idea of what was going on. “You should stop working out so much. What’s going on with your arms?” You pinched your son’s bicep. You knew he liked working out, but he had gained a lot of muscle mass by now. “Mum…” Somehow, they all reverted back to being little kids, shyly rolling their eyes. You kind of liked that. You turned to Chichi, still holding little Rei in your arms. “Is he taking good care of you? You’ve just had a baby. You need to sit down.” Chichi was still like a daughter to you; that had never changed. And now that she was officially part of the family, you felt even more connected to her. “Yes, he takes care of me and he is training during his breaks at the studio. And Sunoh spoils me. I get plenty of rest, and Miga helps a lot with Naomi,” Chichi said with her usual gentle and empathetic smile. “I’m relieved that you all live in the same building. Kiwoo will probably stay in the dorms longer, but Geon, maybe we’ll look for an apartment for you nearby when you start university. It’s too far from the house.” “Oh yes, that would be great.” Miga hugged Geon, who flinched again. Sunoh looked at you with concern, and you realized that it wasn’t just you who was worried anymore.

An hour later, the last two men finally arrived. “The King is here,” Kiwoo announced as he strutted confidently and cheekily into the room, as usual. “If the King was ever on time, we’d have been here much earlier,” Jaehyun said, following him in and giving you a kiss as a greeting. He then greeted everyone else, but gave Hyunjin only a cold handshake. Miga’s boyfriend immediately felt uneasy again. Sunoh quickly noticed the tension and stepped in. “Mum, is it alright if we head to the living room, or do you need any help?” “All good. Make yourselves comfortable, and I’ll call if I need anything.” You handed Rei back to her parents and headed to the kitchen with Jaehyun, while the kids and their partners disappeared into the living room. “Wow, Dad still isn’t warming up to you,” Kiwoo said, patting Hyunjin on the shoulder. Miga looked anxiously at her boyfriend and took his hand. “He has to accept it,” Sunoh muttered, shaking his head. He couldn’t understand his father’s attitude in this matter at all. The group settled down. Sunoh got out the toys for Naomi while Chichi nursed Rei. Miga lay with Hyunjin on the couch, and the twins made themselves comfortable beside each other. “We’re far too rarely together like this,” Geon said with a sigh. Something was up with him; everyone could feel it. He had changed—the breakup before the military and then the military itself had taken a toll.

The afternoon was spent relaxing as everyone enjoyed their family time. Meanwhile, you had been busy cooking the entire meal and were happy to do so. “Hyunjin...” Jaehyun hadn’t said much that evening, so everyone was surprised when he suddenly addressed Miga’s boyfriend. “Yes...” Hyunjin replied quietly. “You’ve learned a lot from me, haven’t you?” Jaehyun asked, still not looking directly at him. “Yes...” Hyunjin said cautiously. Miga looked at you in panic, but you weren’t sure where your husband was going with this. “I’ve given you everything. Showed you everything. And in return, you break the rules?” Jaehyun finally looked Hyunjin directly in the eyes, making him freeze in place. “Come on, who cares?” Sunoh interjected, putting down his utensils. “The company forbade it,” Jaehyun hissed. “Dad, you know that’s bullshit,” Sunoh said, crossing his arms. “Sunoh, this is also about the reputation of our family.” “If our relationship is exposed, it’ll only affect Hyunjin. Dad, he’s the one taking the biggest risk in our relationship.” Miga reluctantly stood up to her father, but for her, this was a line she wouldn’t let him cross. Silence fell over the table; no one said a word. “How long has this been going on between you two?” Jaehyun asked, looking directly at Hyunjin. Hyunjin hesitated, unsure, and glanced at Miga, but he had to face the truth. “Since Sunoh moved into the apartment.” It was during the housewarming party, after Miga and Hyunjin’s official breakup (as mandated by SM), that they had rekindled their relationship. Jaehyun suddenly stood up, knocking over his chair in the process. This startled Geon so much that his heart rate spiked. He mumbled something to himself and jumped up, his eyes vacant as if he wasn’t really there anymore. Geon bolted out of the room, and Kiwoo quickly followed. “Jaehyun, that’s enough.” You stood up and tried to calm your husband. You hadn’t seen him this upset in a long time. “You knew, didn’t you?” He looked at you, disappointment written all over his face. “I think I should leave,” Hyunjin said, standing up. Jaehyun didn’t even look at him, seeming almost pleased that Hyunjin was about to go. But Miga followed her boyfriend. “Jaehyun, what are you doing?” You walked up to him, unable to comprehend what had gotten into your husband. “I just hate it when someone comes into our home without respect.” Jaehyun remained stubborn, still seething. “Hyunjin is very respectful. Oh my god, Jaehyun, you constantly had to break rules in our relationship back in the day.” You tried to remind him of their own past, hoping to bring him back to his senses. “Dad, do you remember when Hyunjin and Miga had to break up?” It had been a dark time for the family. When the two had been forced to separate, Miga’s world collapsed. She stopped going out, refused to eat, and eventually ended up hospitalized due to her emotional and physical collapse. “I don’t know why the company is so strict about Miga and Hyunjin. Maybe it’s because there are a few creeps in there, but you know that’s not normal.” Sunoh tried to talk sense into his father, and to your surprise, it seemed to be working. Jaehyun’s pulse slowed, and he began to realize what he was doing. “I... I...” Jaehyun couldn’t think clearly anymore. He left the conversation and retreated to his office.

“I’ll go. I don’t want to ruin your holiday,” Hyunjin said, grabbing his bag and placing it on the bed. “If you go, I’ll go too,” Miga said, standing beside him and looking at him firmly. Hyunjin knew she would say that. He turned to her and gently took hold of her forearms. “Hyunjin... I want to be with you.” Tears welled up in Miga’s eyes. If there was one thing Miga could do, it was love passionately. If anyone thought she had given a lot in her relationship with Jaemin, they hadn’t seen her with Hyunjin. She would fight for his love every second of the day. Their relationship was far from easy, but she loved him so much she couldn’t imagine her life without him anymore. “Miga...” he said softly, taking her face in his hands and resting his forehead against hers. He couldn’t explain how deeply he felt for her. With this relationship, he was risking everything—his idol career, his entire existence. Just then, the door opened, and Sunoh walked in. He saw the bag on the bed and looked shocked at his best friend. “You’re not leaving,” he said, startled. Hyunjin turned back to his bag. “I think it’s for the best…” “Miga, can you go check on Chichi? She’s alone with Naomi and Rei right now.” Sunoh knew Miga would understand; after all, Sunoh and Hyunjin had been best friends for years. "Dad is an idiot, but don't leave." Sunoh looked at him seriously, trying to reassure him. "I can't lose Miga again. I'm constantly afraid of messing everything up. My career, the money—it doesn't matter to me. But I don't want to give up on Miga." Hyunjin turned back to his bag, continuing to pack. Sunoh wasn't going to let this slide. He walked to the other side of the bed and sat down. "Hyunjin, tell me what really happened. We've known each other for so long." Sunoh's expression softened with concern. Hyunjin felt ashamed of the story, only Miga knew the full truth. But now it was time to let his best friend in. He pushed the bag aside and sat on the bed, taking a deep breath. "I grew up really poor. My mother and little sister died in a car accident. My father still blames me for it. I got into trouble at school that day, and she had to pick me up. Afterward, he started drinking, and he lost his job. To help us survive, I started working at a small fish restaurant, where I got discovered and started with the idol training. My dad borrowed money from the company. I was too young to understand what was happening. Now, I have to pay off all that debt. When the company found out about me and Miga, they threatened to fire me and demanded I pay everything back immediately. Miga couldn’t handle the pressure, so we broke up… That’s the short version." Hyunjin took a moment, the weight of his words settling between them. "Shit, man! That's rough." Sunoh nodded, finally piecing things together. Everything made sense now. "So far, only Miga knows. We even visited my father together once. She’d never want to cause me more trouble with my debt. That’s why we've always kept our relationship a secret." "You’re not going through this alone," Sunoh promised, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Thanks, but I have to handle this myself." Hyunjin sighed, straightening up again. "Just stay another night, okay? See how things go. Do it for Miga. This weekend means a lot to her." Sunoh looked at him seriously, and after a moment, Hyunjin nodded without saying anything.

Later that evening, Miga and Hyunjin sat together in the garden by the natural pool, gazing at the water. Miga was relieved Hyunjin had decided to stay, even though she sensed the strange tension. Suddenly, Jaehyun appeared behind them, standing over Miga with a serious look. "Can I talk to Hyunjin for a moment?" Miga wasn't sure if that was a good idea. Hyunjin shot her a panicked glance. "Don’t worry, I just want to talk," Jaehyun said calmly. Miga hesitated but then stood up, giving Hyunjin a reassuring look before walking away. Hyunjin watched as her father sat down beside him, unsure of what was to come. "It wasn’t right of me to confront you like that at the table," Jaehyun said, his eyes fixed on the shimmering water. The garden lights reflected off the surface, casting a soft glow. "I've always seen so much potential in you, from the very beginning. You didn’t have much experience, but you had a lot of talent..." Jaehyun shifted his gaze to his fingers, clearly struggling with the admission. A confession like this required a lot of humility. "When you became the main dancer, I was proud. Finally, people could see what I had seen all along—the talent you had. You’ve developed more than anyone else, and you had the most ambition. I always admired that." Jaehyun placed his hands on the grass and leaned his head back. Hyunjin was caught off guard by Jaehyun’s words. He never thought Jaehyun saw him in such a positive light. "I quickly noticed how you looked at my daughter. How you couldn’t take your eyes off her..." Jaehyun paused. "If I can see something in you, why wouldn’t my daughter see the same?" He sat up straighter, turning to face Hyunjin. "I’m scared that Miga will go through the pain her mother went through. You’re part of one of the most successful groups of this generation. You’re one of the most handsome idols out there. I won’t even start with the fans, but trainees and even idols will do anything to be close to you. Miga loves you. She loves deeply, and just the thought of you breaking her heart makes me lose control." "I won’t break her heart... I love her more than anything," Hyunjin said, looking at Jaehyun with his dark, earnest eyes. "Right now, I’m the one breaking her heart." Jaehyun sighed as he stood up, adjusting his clothes. "I won’t say anything. You’re welcome here, but if you break her heart, I’ll become your biggest problem." He gave Hyunjin a pointed look. Hyunjin nodded in understanding. "Thank you," Hyunjin said quietly, and Jaehyun nodded before walking back to the house. Hyunjin watched him enter, where he saw you greet Jaehyun with a warm hug. Miga had already returned by that point and sat down beside Hyunjin, clearly worried. "And? How did it go?" She bit her lower lip and took a deep breath. Hyunjin looked at her, still in disbelief at how fortunate he was. Jaehyun’s biggest fear was that Hyunjin would ever show interest in another girl, but Hyunjin couldn’t even imagine that. Ever since he had met Miga, she was the only one on his mind. To him, she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. "It went well. I understand your father’s concerns now," Hyunjin said with a soft smile. "Really?" Miga seemed genuinely surprised. "Your father used to be an idol, and he knows the risks. Your parents had their struggles, and he just doesn’t want you to go through the same thing." Hyunjin pulled Miga closer to him, resting her head against his chest. "You’re the only one who can make me happy," she whispered, placing her hand over his heart. Hyunjin was relieved to hear those words. For so long, he had felt like he was competing with Jaemin, but in the end, he had won Miga’s heart, and he never wanted to lose it.