#i’ve lost a lot of respect for them today

[reddbuster]

I forget who made it but I saw a post the other day talking about how a lot of trans women come out much later in life than trans men tend to (and hence why “egg culture” tends to be mostly centred around transfemininity) and it really made me reflect on my experiences with queer spaces and how things have visibly changed as I got older. I’ve been pretty heavily involved in queer and especially trans spaces, both in-person and online, since I was a preteen. While spaces and events for people my age were much more sparse (and harder to attend while closeted) as a kid, they did exist. But one thing that always stuck out to me was the complete absence of trans girls even at events mainly aimed at trans youth. I met a good few other trans and gnc kids at these events, but all, literally every single one of these people were perisex and assigned female at birth. Not a single transfeminine person to be found. This changed as I got older. I started high school. Slowly but surely the circles I hung around in became more diverse. I met trans women. I met and befriended gay and gnc “boys” who would later come out as trans girls. Now, as a young adult, the ratio of transmasculine to transfeminine folks in my life is near equal. But even now, the demographic of trans girls in my life generally skews older than the guys. And of course this trend is very reflective of the effects of transmisogyny in general, how the media targets trans women as the scapegoat for their hatred, painting ‘trans girl’ as a shameful and deviant thing to be. It is reflective, more than anything, of how we all need to be more steadfast in our support of trans women both in our activism and in our day-to-day lives. But I also think that everyone needs to make more of an effort specifically to support young trans girls. Transfeminine kids, teenagers, even young adults. Because I have met so many women that I know for a fact would have enjoyed their teenage years so much more if someone, anyone had been there to tell them when they were young that it was alright to be trans. The first friend I ever lost to suicide as a teenager was a trans girl. And I live every day of my life with the knowledge that if I hadn’t been her one and only source of support, she probably still would have been here today. Believe me when I say that I understand the importance of respecting people’s boundaries. I do think that insisting every gnc person must be trans is a bad and counterproductive thing to do. But I’ve also seen firsthand what happens when trans girlhood is treated like it’s a downgrade, it’s very suggestion a taboo. When nobody is willing to be the one to say “hey, it’s okay if you want to be a girl”. I believe with everything I am that the life and happiness of a single trans girl is more than worth the discomfort of a million cis men. And if you disagree with that sentiment I think you either need to fix your heart, or you need to make peace with the fact that you are a thoroughly vile person and endeavour to shut your mouth about transgender issues forever.

[redwinephannie]

I apologize to Dan and Phil for any offhand comments I’ve made criticizing the amount of sponsorships you do please never pull a Watcher

[little-diable]

Broke my heart and called me pretty, won me back and called me his - Tyler Owens (smut)

Watched Twisters again and I simply needed to write another Tyler fic. I listened to "Pretty Slowly" by Benson Boone while writing this. Please like and reblog if you enjoyed reading this, your comments keep us writers motivated! Enjoy my loves. xxx

Summary: Tyler had ended his engagement to the reader years ago, all for her to chase her dreams. But when he turns up as a guest for her lecture, both find themselves thrown back into the love they still feel for one another.

Warnings: 18+, smut, piv, oral (f), ex-lovers to lovers, some angst, lots of fluff tho

Pairing: Tyler Owens x professor!fem!reader (4k words)

“(Y/n)?” Her eyes flickered up from her notes, watching her assistant take a step into her office. With a soft smile playing on her lips, (y/n) waited for Alice to keep on speaking, knowing that she must leave for her upcoming class in a few minutes. 

“There’s been a scheduling problem with your guest for today’s lesson, they sent somebody else. He’s waiting outside for you.” For a second, she only stared at Alice, letting the words sink in before her annoyance and anger could clash through her. Organising guests who were willing to speak to her students has always been a struggle, she spent hours on finding the right people and now she couldn’t help but curse them for not giving her an earlier notice.

“Send him in, thank you, Alice.” (Y/n) began to collect her notes as the elderly woman left the room to fetch whoever was waiting outside, buying herself some time to remain calm. Deep breaths left (y/n), fighting through the uneasiness she couldn’t shake. 

The sound of boots meeting the ground rang in her ears, and suddenly her body began to tense, freezing on the spot almost. Somehow she could feel him before she saw him, instantly knowing who was about to enter her office even though it had been years since they had last seen one another. 

“Would you look at that, I’ve always wondered what your office looks like.” His voice shot shudders down her spine, a reaction she had once been all too familiar with but couldn’t help but curse now. With her teeth buried in her lower lip, (y/n) let her eyes wander over his features, fuck he was still as handsome as he had been all those years before. 

“What are you doing here, Tyler?” Her voice didn’t carry much strength, just enough to draw his wandering eyes back to her. Tyler studied her for a moment, keeping his distance while both seemed to get lost in the draw they had felt ever since their first date, knowing that the other was the one - or at least it had always felt like that. 

“Jake gave me a call this morning, told me he couldn’t make it. And since we were in the area anyway, I didn’t mind stepping in.” A scoff clawed through (y/n), followed by the shake of her head. She kept her eyes focused on her things while she rose to her feet, set on getting this over and done with as fast as possible.

“Of course you didn’t mind, the holy saint Tyler Owens just can’t help but present himself at any given chance.” His hand shot out to catch her arm before she could brush past him, forcing (y/n) to stand close to him. 

“Hey, I’m doing you a favour here, least you could do is treat me with some respect.” His voice still had that southern drawl to it she had longed to hear for way too long. She had deleted all his socials, hadn’t talked to any of their shared friends, no matter how many times she had longed to do so - even thinking of him hurt still too much. 

“Respect? I’m amazed you even know what that word means.” Both looked at one another for a moment, caught up in the memories that still haunted them to this day. Perhaps it could have been different. Perhaps they could have still been together if their path hadn’t been forced to an end years ago. 

“I did what was right, you can paint me as the bad guy, but don’t lie to yourself, darling. I did it for you, and I would do it all over again.” She ripped herself out of his grasp and muttered a small “Follow me” before leaving the room. Tears threatened to build in her eyes, forced to remember the day he had broken up with her, weeks after he had asked her to marry him. Deep down she knew that he was speaking the truth, if he hadn’t broken up with her, she wouldn’t have followed her dreams to study overseas to end up where she was now. And yet she hadn’t been able to let go of her hurt to this day.

The sounds of their shoes meeting the cold ground was the only thing that could be heard, nothing but heavy steps that felt like they were moving towards their end once again. Ancient lovers reunited in their last hour on this earth, and with one last chance they were offered to find their way back together. A chance that was now slipping through their fingers. 

“Good afternoon.” Her voice boomed through the big room which was filled with students who all instantly stopped speaking. Tyler kept his distance, waiting near the door while studying her every move. This was what he had hoped for all these years ago. For her to end up right here, doing what she had always dreamt of doing.

Parts of him had cursed himself for ending their engagement, but as much as he had wanted to follow her and help her chase her dream with him by her side, he hadn’t been able to leave. He had broken both their hearts with hurtful words spurred on by the anger he had directed at himself and at the circumstances he hadn’t been able to rip himself free from. 

“This is Tyler Owens, I’m sure some of you may know his channel. He’ll talk to you about storm chasing today, please bear in mind that you’ll get enough time for questions after his talk.” She couldn’t look at him, couldn’t bear to get lost in the eyes she had always tried to look for in every room. Eyes that had once held their shared secrets. Eyes that had watched her grow into a young woman after meeting when they had been mere teenagers. Eyes that still appeared in her dreams whenever her mind needed a reset from the battles she was currently fighting.

The sound of loud claps filled the room, he moved closer with a smile glued to his lips - a smile that slightly began to drop as she mumbled a quiet “I’ll be in my office” while brushing past him.

……

“Hey,” Tyler’s voice filled her office. A soft sigh left (y/n) as she forced herself to look at him, unable to bite down the hurt that had been clawing at her skin since the second he had first entered her office hours ago. “You missed an interesting class.”

“I,” she cleared her throat while shifting around on her seat. “I watched the stream. You were good, they loved you.”

“Well, what can I say? We have a big fan community.” A soft laugh managed to leave her before she could stop the sound, forcing heat to rise in her system. “Will you grab dinner with me? I think we’ve got some catching up to do.” 

She should have said no. She should have kindly told him that she had other plans. But knowing that she’d most likely not see him again for years and years to come felt like a punch to her gut. So all she did was nod her head and grab her purse, ready to leave her office for the day.

No words were spoken between them as he guided her towards his truck, the same one she had seen in his videos. It felt strange being here with him, sitting in the truck that added to this internet persona of his she was a stranger to, barely recognising the man he was now. 

“It’s bigger than I expected it to be.” (Y/n) blurted out the words while she looked around the truck, watching Tyler drive them to the spot he seemed to have in mind. The smirk tugging on his lips told her that she had just shared something she shouldn’t have, letting him in on the knowledge that she was watching his videos every now and then.

“I always wondered if you were watching us. They miss you, you know.” Nothing but a hum managed to pass her lips, unable to speak up as her throat grew tighter. It had been years since she had last seen his crew, the people she had once called her friends and had cut off the second she had left home, unable to think of anything that had something to do with Tyler. Years had passed before (y/n) had allowed herself to get back into all things storm chasing, which also meant catching up with Tyler and his work. 

“I miss them too.” Her eyes flickered down to his right hand which seemed to move in her direction but before Tyler could touch her, he pulled back again, balling a fist that rested on his thigh. It hurt her more than she had thought to see him like that, seemingly struggling just as much as she did with their newfound distance after all these years. And yet they were still bound together, by something neither could put a finger on. 

“Thought we could visit Mary Jane’s, for old times’ sake.” She couldn’t reply, not when one memory after another caught up with her. They had lost count on the amount of times they had chased in that area, grabbing dinner and coffees at Mary Jane’s at any given chance. A bittersweet memory that only worsened the heavy feeling settling on her chest. 

After parking the truck, she watched him round the car to help her down, keeping his hand placed on the small of her back for a second too long. It felt as if Tyler had to force himself to let go, to remember that she no longer was his to touch, even though it only felt right to keep close. 

“So, tell me, professor. What did I miss? What did you do the last few years? Your mom didn’t tell me much.” Her focus was ripped from the menu at the mention of her mother. She hadn’t told (y/n) anything about being in touch with Tyler, hadn’t dropped his name once. Every now and then (y/n) had wanted to ask about him, knowing that her mother was most likely at least watching his videos, but something had always held her back. Perhaps she had been too scared to hear of stuff she wouldn’t be able to stomach, wondering if he had moved on, if he had found another woman to spend the rest of his life with. 

“You’re still in touch with her?” The approaching waitress momentarily distracted them both, taking on their orders while (y/n)’s gaze kept flickering back to Tyler. Seeing him again had made everything more complicated, a distraction she hadn’t needed, but as much as she wanted to run and hide from the past, she also couldn’t stop herself from wanting to ask all these questions burning on the tip of her tongue. 

“Well, I call her every Christmas and on her birthday, and she does the same.” An unjustified anger simmered inside of her, drawing a frown onto her features while averting her gaze. It felt unfair that he and her mother had kept in touch, sharing details about their experiences and what they had done over the past years – all while (y/n) had fought so hard for a clean start away from her past. “Hey, look at me, pretty.”

“Don’t call me that, Tyler.” Hurt flashed over his features, a sight that only worsened the pain she felt deep inside of her. 

God, what was she even doing here? There was nothing left to say, nothing but a proper goodbye so she could go back to her day and forget the pain she had tried to bury six feet under. 

“Listen, (y/n).” Tyler reached for her hand before she could pull away, forcing her to keep her focus on him. “I didn’t do it right back then, should have sat you down and told you everything I feared and worried about. I should have given you the chance to make this decision for yourself. But I don’t regret giving you an out, you deserved to experience every dream, everything you have worked so hard for. Don’t blame me for wanting you to live the best possible life you could dream to live.”

“But what if all of those dreams had lost their meaning without you? What if nothing worked the same way without you by my side?” A tear dripped from her eye before she could try to wipe it away. She couldn’t read his expression, couldn’t read what was swimming in his pupils. Nothing but hurt and confusion that made her pull her hand away from his big one. “This was a mistake.”

She pushed herself out of the booth and rushed outside while more tears kept on falling. The shaky exhale leaving her drowned out the sound of Tyler calling for her, catching up with (y/n) before he pulled her against his broad chest. Sobs clawed through her as Tyler’s hand kept stroking up and down her spine, holding her close. 

“I got you, darling, I always will.”

……

“Here, do you need anything else?” It had been hours since her breakdown at the diner. Hours that had been filled with a shared dinner, memories that had been whispered about and eventually a drive back to her place. It had already been late by the time they had left Mary Jane’s, leading her to invite Tyler to stay in her guest room for the night. 

“I’m alright, thank you, darling.” Tyler shot her a smile before he pulled her in for another hug. With a kiss pressed to her hairline, he eventually let go of her, watching (y/n) leave the room after a few hesitant seconds.  

Her heart was racing until she found herself laying restless in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The past hours kept replaying, flashing past her open eyes while wondering if Tyler had managed to fall asleep. Seeing him again had ripped open all old wounds, leaving her confused and torn between too many sensations. For the last years she had tried to move on, had gone on many dates that had led to nothing but a hopeless feeling that she may never get over Tyler and the love she still felt for him. A feeling that had now resurfaced once again. 

With an annoyed sigh clawing through her, (y/n) left her bedroom again, freezing in her step as she found Tyler’s frame standing near the window in her living room, staring down on the city. Slowly, she moved closer, wrapping her arms around herself as she came to a halt next to him. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” His raspy voice made goosebumps rise on her skin, forcing her to shake her head while trying to keep her focus on the lights. A few seconds of silence passed before Tyler wrapped his arm around her waist to pull her against his side. “I missed you, pretty.”

This time she didn’t comment on it, could only push herself further into his embrace to search for his warmth. Wordlessly Tyler pulled her along to her sofa, plopping down on it before she placed her head on his chest, falling back into a routine that felt too familiar. 

“Do you think we would have been married by now if things hadn’t ended?” The question was whispered, rolling off her tongue without giving it much thought. (Y/n) had always wondered about their wedding, how it would have played out, who they would have invited and where it would have taken place. 

“Oh, for sure. I wouldn’t have been able to wait much longer before calling you my wife.” His soft chuckle vibrated through both their bodies, drawing a smile onto her lips. 

“I was so excited for it. It would have been the best day.” Tyler tightened his grip on her waist while pressing another kiss to her hairline. For a moment, neither of them spoke, keeping quiet as their thoughts began to spiral. She felt his muscles tense beneath her, making her wonder what he was about to speak while the night wrapped its comforting veil around them. 

“It can still be the best day.” Her heart skipped a beat, wondering what he meant by that. Her eyes found his, seeing the way he was torn by whatever kept buzzing through his mind. She wasn’t sure what he meant by it, and yet the way he looked at her, filled with something she hadn’t felt in years, left her wondering if he was still talking about the two of them. 

“What are you saying, Tyler?” His hand came up to cup her cheek, feeling her warmth pressing against his hand. Seconds of silence blurred by, making both their hearts race while he fought to find the right words. 

“I won’t ever be able to love anybody the way I love you, and that will never change. And judging by what you told me, it’s the same for you. Marry me, for real this time.” She pushed herself off his chest, rising to her feet with a teary laugh that was torn between excitement and sadness. (Y/n) stared down at him with her fingers buried in her hair, trying to figure out if this was just a joke fate was playing on her. 

“That’s insane, Tyler.” He mimicked her movements to draw her back in, hands resting on her waist. 

“You know what they say, pretty, if you feel it, chase it. And I’m so tired of living this life without you by my side.” Her body forced her to move, to close the distance between them with her lips finding his. Electricity buzzed down her spine, forcing her even closer to deepen the kiss. Kissing Tyler had always been an experience to say the least, two magnets that fit together, an explosion of heat and longing, and yet this felt even better than all these years ago. It felt right, more right than anything else. 

Without breaking the kiss, he picked her up, forcing her legs to find their way around his waist. Tyler carried her back to her bedroom, letting them rest on her mattress with him hovering over her. 

“Do you mean it? Really mean it?” (Y/n) mumbled the question against his lips. His fingers brushed a few strands of hair behind her ear, a warm touch that communicated what both felt at that moment, an undying longing that grew stronger with every passing second. 

“Marry me, (y/n).” Another laugh clawed through her, a sound that turned into a moan the second his lips found her neck, kissing their way down to her collarbones. 

“Alright, I will marry you.” Tyler kissed her again as his hands disappeared beneath her shirt to pull it over her head, exposing her naked frame to his wandering eyes. 

“You’re even more gorgeous, fuck. I can’t wait to make you mine again.” Her eyes fluttered close as he tugged on her panties, pushing them down her legs. Tyler’s mouth kissed its way to her aching heat, groaning the second he tasted her again after all these years. With both arms slung around her thighs to keep her close, he ate her out, letting his rough tongue brush through her slit before sucking on her pulsing bundle.

Moans and groans left both, high on the different feelings both were held hostage by. No longer could (y/n) remember if being with Tyler had always felt like that, all she knew was that she never wanted this moment to end. She’d happily be stuck in time like that, forever reunited with the one that had gotten away. 

Tyler let his gaze rest on her pleasure-drunken features, trying not to get too eager while his hardening cock begged for her attention. He’d fuck her all through the night and then some more in the morning, having to burn every passing moment into his mind to fight against the fear of waking up in a few hours from a too good to be true dream.

“Tyler,” his name rolled off her tongue, spurring him on to push her over the edge. (Y/n) had her back arched off the comfortable mattress, hands fisting the blanket while her first orgasm clashed through her like a ship hitting the cold ocean ground. She lost control of the moment, could only give room to her sounds the blinding sensation pushed through her. 

He kept lapping at her folds, prolonging her orgasm while he couldn’t bite down his proud smirk. Tyler still knew her body like the back of his hand, able to map her out even with both eyes closed as if she had always been his. 

“What will it be, darling? What do you want?” Tyler’s voice had grown lower, raspier even while he still lingered between her trembling thighs. He watched her heavily exhale, needing to ground herself before letting her twinkling eyes find his. 

“I need you inside of me, now, Tyler.” Without having to ask twice, he followed her command, getting rid of his shirt and his tight boxers before finding his way back to her. He watched her fish for a condom, helping him roll it down his length as both their hands shook from the anticipation and excitement they couldn’t shake. 

Somehow it reminded her of her first night with Tyler, the first time he had fucked her in the back of his truck in the middle of nowhere. It had been the best night of her life, or so she had always thought - until today at least. 

With his lips pressed against hers, he kept himself close as he pushed into her, slowly. Both groaned at the feeling, no longer used to being connected this intimately. She clung to him with her nails clawed into the soft skin of his back, needing to adjust for a few seconds before a soft “please” managed to leave her. 

They weren’t in a rush, weren’t set on chasing a high within a handful of seconds, but it felt too good to have one another back again, set on giving their all to the other. Every thrust hit her swollen spot, every thrust reminded (y/n) of the way Tyler had always managed to make her feel - as if he was the match setting a petrol station ablaze, a heat so strong it could melt her skin right off her body. 

Forever his, forever hers, a story so complete, neither could manage to put it into words. 

Their bodies met with every faster growing thrust, set on feeling her walls flutter around him while he kissed her breathless. She stared up at him, getting lost in the eyes that were filled with a love so strong, she was sure that neither of them would be able to let go ever again. 

“Atta girl, you’re doing so well for me. I got you.” He pressed a kiss to her neck while he deeply exhaled. Both tried to drag out the moment, hoping that they could stay connected for longer, but their bodies had other plans, needing another high while falling off the edge together.

Tyler’s hand found her right thigh, pulling it closer to her body to hit deeper spots that made both groan. She snuck a hand between their bodies to circle her pulsing bundle, desperate for the relief cumming around him would push through her. Encouraging praises and sweet nothings left Tyler, spurring her on to let go before he could. 

And then (y/n) came again, high on everything he embraced while another moan left her. Tyler fucked her for a few more moments, chasing his own orgasm before he groaned against her warm skin. The feeling buzzing through them both only grew stronger, keeping them united while they tried to catch their breaths.

“Are we really doing this? This is insane.” Her breathless laugh filled the room, leaving Tyler chuckling while he lifted his head off her chest. He looked at her for a moment, pressed a kiss to her slightly swollen lips and then pulled out of her.

“We are, and I can’t wait to finally call you my wife.”

[mosovi-vian]

And I will stay alive for my future self, so they can one day learn to be kind to who I was as a child. And I will teach them to honor who we used to be, so they can remember the comfort of what once was our untempered flesh and gentle soul. Me and myself are each a fresh wound and a rough scab, bearing respectively the gift of green faith and honed will.

This has been in my draft for a while because I was determined to post this only after I knew what I should write underneath it. I’ve read a lot on the concept of healing the wounded inner child since even before my c-ptsd diagnosis. However, I’ve sought as much comfort in my little self as they had in me. Looking back, I was an impressively emotionally-intuitive kid. I remember well how I used to think, the things I would write to my future self; they were wiser and gentler than I could ever hope to be as an adult. Needless to say, the little poem above is inspired by the aforementioned experience. Sure, big me is armed with a more developed pre-frontal cortex and access to invaluable resources (coping mechanisms, therapy, on and offline communities) , but I struggle to rediscover/reinvent my identity. Little me was the biggest vestige of my lost personhood. So yeah, this might be just a huge self-indulgent projection with my favorite character, but thinking that post-S3 Hunter would also be in my shoes is not completely baseless. 16yrs old Hunter is the fresh wound (a lot of things happened before his teen years, but I’m going to interpret the events of Hollow Mind - which happened when Hunter was 16 - as the ultimate boiling point in his trauma timeline, hence the ‘fresh wound') and 20yrs old Hunter is the rough scab. Each version of Hunter could be dealing with a different set of trauma-induced symptoms. I think his loyalty to Belos kept him going as a child. Being doubtless was important to Hunter back then; it held his sense of self together. And maybe when he survived and was rewarded the time and space to grow into his own person and live for himself, there was this lasting emptiness. I feel this sort of emptiness even today. My only reference of what ‘wholeness’ felt like was when I was obedient to my family. I equated self-abandonment as the righteous norm. The symptoms I deal with today are definitely different from when I was Hunter’s age pre-time-skip. Now that Hunter is in a safe space and an adult post-time skip, he might also need to seek that strength from his younger self. Reminding himself of how far he’s come and the parts of him that he'd like to keep from his past. The parts that he knows in his bones are purely his - not instilled by Belos, not inherited from Caleb.

[mapileonxputellas]

Beckham II: 3 Nerves

The third part is finally here! I hope you enjoy.

Masterlist can be found here.

9th February 2023

“Breaking news this lunch time, Sarina Weigman had named her squad for the Arnold Clark cup and included in the squad for the first time in nearly 4 years is Y/N Beckham.” England squads weren’t typically breaking news on the main news channels but this was no ordinary squad announcement. “Widely considered as one of the best players on the planet, Beckham has not been including in an England squad since the 2019 World Cup and her return dominated the press conference.”

Squad announcement press conferences are usually comminated by a few stories, the surprise inclusions, the ones who don’t quite make the cut. However when the list was read out it was immediately clear what all the questions would be about today as the eyes of world football turned to Sarina.

“Sarina can you tell us more about Beckham’s inclusion? Why has this decision been taken now after 4 years?”

“I know you’re all probably very interested in that so I’ll try and answer all of your questions. This hasn’t been a simple process for either party, I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been watching her since I became England manager but it’s not that simple and we had to respect the fact that Y/N did not want to be called up. Over the past few weeks I’ve been working closer with her and we’ve agreed that now is the right time to see if we can make progress.”

“The squad has changed a lot since then but there are still players who would were in the squad in 2019, have you spoken to them about this?”

“I have not, I’d like to think that all players support each other and I know my players well enough to know that they will do all they can to make Y/N feel welcome in this environment both on and off the pitch.”

“Do you have any concerns around her desire to play for England and play for the badge. Will she have lost that fight in the past four years?”

“I can not prove that to you and I guess none of us will know the answer until she plays for England again but I would not pick any player I had those concerns about. I’ve watcher her play a lot for Barcelona and over this past year especially I’ve seen a freedom to her play. I just hope that we can all see that side of her in an England shirt.”

“David, were you shocked when the announcement was made?”

“I mean obviously we spoke about prior to the announcement but when she told me I wasn’t exactly shocked. It just annoyed me that people questioned her mentally because she is so strong now.”

…..

Everyone could tell you were anxious. Since the announcement on Thursday you’d been quieter than usual in training, your usual sweet laughter which your teammates loved had been replaced by a strained giggle and they could see you’d been putting pressure on yourself in every department.

Everything had to be perfect.

In the four days since your decision had been made public you’d received support from all your teammates but you could see they were also worried. Many of them had been here when you joined, they’d seen the aftermath and many of them had been your shoulder to lean on for months after.

Many of them watched on now as you retreated into your room, barely giving a second glance to the games currently taking place in the dining room, a tradition you were a usual member of the night before an away game.

Alexia and Mapi had noticed the changes just like everyone else, the three of you had a strong connection both on and off the pitch. Alexia had become an older sister figure to you and Mapi was your platonic soul mate. They knew your habits unlike anyone else and when the notebook you used for anxious tattoo scribblings had been out the entire journey to Mallorca it was clear your mind was elsewhere.

“You grab the pillows.”

“I’ll grab the blankets.”

The two of them scurried off to their own rooms, finding their entrusted items before meeting back at the door which they knew you would be behind. You wouldn’t have gone outside, your shy nature meant you struggled to have confidence in new cities, preferring to explore with others rather than alone as the sun went down.

Alexia knocked on the door, a moment of panic striking as they thought you weren’t going to answer before the door creaked open. Your wide-eyed figure stood in the crack, still in the tracksuit you’d travelled in rather than pyjamas.

“What’s going on?” The tree of you quite often spent the nights in each other’s hotel rooms, though those meetings were usually pre-planned.

Only you knew from the worried expressions on their faces this wasn’t a call to watch the latest film that had been released. “We’re worried about you.”

“I’m fine.”

You should have known that answer was never going to satisfy them. “Please can we come in.”

It wasn’t even worth trying to persuade them, not really. “Sure.” They couldn’t miss the sigh you let out as the door swung open. “Make yourself comfy.”

In the matter of minutes you’d gone from sprawling over the double bed alone to shuffling between the two players, being welcomed into the arms of Alexia as the three of you shuffled under the duvet.

“We’re worried about you.” MarÍa admitted, smoothing down the hair draped around your face. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.”

“Are you sure because I bet if we looked in that notepad we’d find more anxious doodles than before. You’ve barely spoken two words to anyone since the news broke out.”

“I read an article-“

“Didn’t I tell you to stop that.” Alexia scolded you. “Those journalists don’t know anything about you.”

“But they don’t know that.” You argued back. “They’ll be reading about how ‘cocky’ I am on and off the pitch, how I flaunt my money, how I think I ‘own the team’.”

“If they believe that then they really have no eyes. Then they’ll see how you’re one of the shiest players on the team, they’ll learn how you could live in mansion but donate so much money to charity, they’ll see how much you work on the team as a whole. You do everything for football and they need to see that.”

“If they don’t love the person they’ll come to know then that’s on them.” Alexia agreed with her.

“Are you sure this isn’t about a certain blonde centre back?” MarÍa teasingly questioned you. “Maybe this isn’t about you being nervous about the articles and more about going into gay panic around Miss Williamson.”

“I told you that in confidence that you’d never bring it up again.” It was true, a few years ago you had confided in the two of them that you used to have a small (very large) crush on Leah at the time.

“And I’m tired of you being the third wheel in our flat, you’ve rejected every opportunity for me to set you up with one of my friends so now I have to think that it’s because you’re still pining for the girl.”

“I’m not pining for anyone, it was a stupid crush which has gone in the four years that I haven’t spoken to the girl.”

“Would you like to speak to her again?” Alexia asked.

“I mean obviously I’m going to have to, she’s the captain of the team.”

“Message her now.”

“No.”

“Why not?” I could only think of a million reasons why I wasn’t about to do that.

“Because like I said, I haven’t spoken to her in nearly four years and it would be weird for me to just message her the night before we see each other again.”

“So lets role play it then, you walk into the hotel tomorrow and she’s there, what are you going to say?” Alexia asked the question you’ve been asking yourself all week.

“Hi.”

Both of them looked like they wanted to tear out both their own and your hair. “Ok you can’t just say that.”

“What else do you want me to say?”

“How are you? Ask her about her life?”

“You want me to speak to the girl for the first time in years and ask her basically how she’s been since we went from speaking every day to unfollowing each other on social media and avoiding any chance of meeting since then.” You needed better friends in situations like this. “I’m not going heavy on our first conversation.”

“You will need to talk about.”

“I know but it’s not just her I need to have that conversation with, I was close with a lot of them and now I’m not. They should be just as involved in that conversation as Leah is.”

“Maybe you could design her a little tattoo, something like ‘I love Y/N’ on her forehead.” MarÍa teased you. “Matches your ‘I love Leah’ on your chest.”

“Shut up, just so you know I’ll never stop cockblocking you and Ingrid, I’ll be round for tea when I get back.”

“Bonnie told me she wants to live with me all the time by the way, said something about her mum abandoning her.”

“Fuck off MarÍa.”

….

The first person to reach out to you wasn’t exactly someone you expected. Mary Earps wasn’t exactly in your friendship group back in 2019, though because she was a part of that squad she was one of the players who you unfollowed in the following unfortunate events. You definitely therefore were not expecting to see her name pop up as you made your way through the airport, heading out to the car which would take you back to your parents’ house before you headed to the team hotel later on in the evening.

@1maryearps: See you later mate, we can’t wait to have you back x

Your emotions were so all over the place that maybe you should have expected this simple message to bring tears to your eyes. Maybe that meant you’d have at least one person on your side tonight.

You spent most of the meal with parents and siblings trying to do anything to avoid the thoughts about what was happening tonight coming back. You spoke to Harper about her homework, Cruze about his latest holiday and Romeo about his girlfriend. Brooklyn could almost sense your nervousness and kept up the conversation, which was all fine until you had to leave.

They knew how big this moment was and each gave you an individual goodbye before you got back into the car. As much as you would have liked to have taken your dad’s offer to drive you, this was all about being normal and being drove by David Beckham didn’t really give off that vibe.

You’d made this drive a million times before, only this time it seemed to take half the time and before you knew it the doors to St George’s Park were in view.

The only person in view was a single man holding a video camera, obviously preparing for the players’ arrivals This was hard and yet you knew this was probably the easiest step, he didn’t know you. You got out from the car, flashing a small smile to the camera as it trained on your every move, making sure to say a thank you to the driver, you turned to head inside.

“How are you feeling Y/N?” The camera man asked.

“Excited.” You couldn’t exactly tell him you were shaking inside. “I can’t wait to be back with this amazing team.”

“Two goals from you today….”

“All thanks to my teammates.” It was only the truth, you were basically set up for both goals by Aitana, you couldn’t do anything but put them in the back of the net.

“Good luck.”

“Thank you very much.”

If you were known for one thing it would be your punctuality, in fact you almost had a fear of being late. Maybe you’d done it on purpose this time to avoid greeting teammates in front of the camera but you were the first here judging by the table in the reception area being full of keys.

“Y/N it’s good to finally meet you in person.” Anja, one of the members of the England management team greeted you. “I hope you’re feeling well.”

“I’m glad to be here,” You settled for that. “I can’t wait to get back on that pitch now.”

“Well we’re glad to have you here. Here’s your key, we’ll meet in the dining area for a quick debrief at 8 and then you’ll have the night to yourself. Training schedules for the week are in your key pack.”

“Thank you.”

This place hadn’t changed one bit, from the entrance all the way up to your rooms you could trace the steps without even looking. You could hear noise out in the corridor but you stayed put, waiting for the clock to tick to 7:50 before making your way downstairs. With it being ten minutes early no one was there but Sarina and the coaching staff. Could this technically count as your first impression to them?

Their eyes trained on you as you entered the room. “Hey, thank you once again.”

“Stop saying thank you, this is all on you.” Sarina instructed, giving you a firm yet welcoming hug, an action which was repeated by the others. “Go and take a seat.”

“Thank-“ Maybe not. “Ok Sarina.”

You didn’t really know what to expect from the others, the squad was definitely a mixture of youth and experience. However even some of the more established players like Alessia and Ella were unknown to you on a personal level.

Thankfully maybe the first ones in were some of the younger players, Jess Park and Ebony Salmon were both the epitome of excitement as they entered the room saying a quick hello to the staff before slightly pausing when they found me sat on the first row.

“Hi.” You knew it was on you to make the effort. “It’s nice to meet you both.”

“Nice to meet you too.” Jess said taking the seat next to me. “You’re killing it at Barcelona.”

“Thank you, I’ve enjoyed watching you play this season. You’ll be an asset at city when you return.” You loved studying young players and watching their development. Jess was no difference in that, plus it helped to build up that connection on the team.

The volume in the room increased as more players entered. Some like Laura Coombs and Katie Zelem gave you a quick smile before taking their seats, other youngsters gave you a quick welcome.

The first real re-introduction you had was when Millie and Rachel entered, your eyes instantly connecting and it was Rachel who led the two of them over. You had always loved the two of them and almost let out a sigh of relief when they both greeted you with hugs, repeating how glad they were to see you. Lucy and Jordan followed suit, the two of them messing about and pulling you into a tight hug before taking their seats.

It was however the final people to enter the room that you were the most nervous about. Maybe you should have been thankful that when Keira, Georgia and Leah entered the room the meeting was about to start and all you could do was send a glancing look their way before Sarina had eyes on her.

She went through the logistics, just like happens every time before she got into the depths of the squad. “It would seem like this is the squad for reintroducing yourself. Laura hasn’t been with us since 2020 and Y/N in 2019. We just want everyone to remember that they’re here for a reason and we all play for England, we’re all a team.”

You blocked everything else out, vaguely scribbling down on your phone some notes about the timings and rooms you were needed in but it was all a bit of a blur. You took your time at the end speaking to some of the other girls, no-one seemed to be making a huge fuss about the situation but the trio had disappeared again and you knew you had to speak to them tonight before this started to interfere with the rest of the camp.

Thankfully you managed to find them, the three of them tucked away in the corner of the dining room, huddled around a laptop playing something in German.

“Hey.” Your voice almost cracked as you broke through the silence. “It’s good to see you all.”

You should have predicted really that Keira and Georgia would be your road in, though the two of them were fierce on the pitch they really were softies off it and you were almost knocked off your feet when they bounded up to you, both their arms wrapping around you in a hug.

“We can’t believe you’re actually here.” Georgia said. “This is just crazy.”

“It’s definitely different.” Leah finally joined in and that was the moment you knew even as she joined in the hug, she was the one who would be the toughest to crack. She wasn’t going to let you in just as easy but the captain part of her probably forced her to not let it show around others. “Glad to have you back on the team.”

“Thank you.”

“Take a seat.” Keira glanced to the free chair next to Leah. “We were just watching Georgia make a fool of herself, want to join?”

“Yeah I’d like that, I’d like that a lot.”

[doumadono]

ANNOUNCEMENT

This is a turning point for me. I've been silent for too long, but I can't stay quiet anymore.

I'm going through writer's burnout, and it has hit me hard. I've been writing on Tumblr and Ao3 for nearly eight years now (with about 1.5 years on my private blog, doumadono). Over that time, I've written more than 400 stories across various fandoms, created the Sinful Sunday event and a series that many people like, helped many with numerous emergency requests — so many that one masterlist wasn't enough to cover them all.

But all of this has brought me to a place where writing no longer feels like a joy, but rather a duty. In my effort to make everyone happy, I lost myself and took on too much, accepting even the most twisted and difficult requests. It made me anxious and unwell whenever I thought about writing. This is why I haven't been posting much these past few weeks. I missed the breaking point and let myself reach a place where I was seriously considering quitting writing altogether and closing both my Tumblr and Ao3 accounts.

There's something else I need to address. I feel completely detached from Jujutsu Kaisen and Demon Slayer. I no longer feel comfortable writing for those fandoms. From now on, I'll be focusing mostly on My Hero Academia. Even though the manga recently ended, both the manga and the anime hold a special place in my heart. I’ve fallen in love with the story and its amazing characters. This is what feels right to me at this moment. That doesn't mean I'll never write for Demon Slayer or other fandoms again, but not now, not at this time. Maybe in the future — who knows?

Some of you might know that I've been dealing with a flood of hateful anonymous messages. Even though I’ve grown stronger and no longer consider them relevant, it still hurts to read such nasty words. This is another factor why I need to take a break.

So, what's going to change?

Sinful Sunday will no longer cover requests, and the event won't be as regular as it used to be. From now on, I'll post some sinful pieces specifically written for this event whenever I feel it's right. I'll write only for the characters I feel attached too.

Emergency requests will be limited to two slots and will no longer have a 48-hour window to be fulfilled. Once both slots are taken, emergency requests will be closed until I manage to clear the current asks in my inbox.

As of today, my ask box has been completely cleared. I won't be replying to any past asks, regardless of their origin or topic.

Commissions will remain open, as nearly all the requests have been fulfilled.

Regarding the following projects:

The Kvitravn series will be completed this year, but I can't provide a specific date just yet as I'm still working hard to bring everything together.

There's also a new series on the horizon featuring Dabi in the lead role, with a psychiatrist!Reader as the other main character.

As for Kinktober, I made a hard decision it will not be held as an event on my blog this year at all.

As of now, I want to focus on my own little My Hero Academia based AU that I created with my best friend @crystalwolfblog , and this is something that brings me a lot of comfort nowadays, and it's what I want to focus on. I’ll likely create another blog to post everything related to this AU, to keep things organized (the blog will be linked to my pinned post). This little AU was and is my safe haven for the past year and half, and since it contains all of my favourite characters, I want to focus on it fully.

The time for purification has come. I need to rediscover my purpose and find joy in writing again. To those who understand and have stuck with me since the ThePaperPanda days — you’re amazing and adorable, and I can never express how much I appreciate you, guys 💞

I want to share one last thought. This isn’t a statement, but rather a plea to readers: please respect writers, no matter the content they choose to explore. Writing is not as easy as it may seem; it requires a significant amount of time and effort, often taking up our personal time to craft a story. Don't send anon hate. Spread love instead! The least you can do to show your appreciation is to leave a comment, even if it’s just a word or two. For you, it’s a small gesture that takes less than a minute, but for the writer on the other side, it may be a much-needed sign that their work is meaningful. So if you enjoy an author’s work, don’t hesitate to leave a comment. It truly makes us writers feel like we’re on cloud nine.

Love you all, Marcianna

[samuelsdean]

WooPea!

pairing: spencer reid x reader

summary: you start your day right, cracking science jokes & making spencer reid smile. the other bau team members be damned! or, you crack the worst jokes in the planet & emily has had enough of it.

genre: fluff

word count: 481

author's notes: one thing about me is i enjoy spencer's tangents so i hope you'll enjoy this one.

MAYBE IT WAS A LITTLE BIT IMMATURE OF YOU TO CRACK THE SILLIEST SCIENCE JOKES TO GET THE ATTENTION YOU WANTED FROM THAT ONE COWORKER OF YOURS. But who cares? One smile from Dr. Spencer Reid, and you’ve turned into mush, a completely melted piece of goo. What makes you want to crack stupid jokes is the fact that right after smiling brightly like he was the sun himself, Spencer would go off on one of his tangents, explaining the mechanics and science behind whatever it is you just joked about. 

And so, you do it every single day as soon as you enter the bullpen, Spencer quickly rushing to your side to hear what you have to say while the others—Emily, Derek, and JJ—are quick to reach their invisible soundproof headphones—ready to muffle the sounds of yours and Spencer’s giggles.

It’s surprising to them that both of you still haven’t realized that one is in love with the other. It’s cute but irritating. The amount of mutual pining and stupidity from two of the brightest minds in the FBI, being able to profile prolific criminals but not the person who’s always two steps away from the other. At this point, both of you were joined at the hip. If they saw you, there’s no doubt Spencer is right behind you, and vice versa. 

And today is just like any other day, you arrived with a new joke in mind, and Spencer rushed to your side ready to hear you. 

“What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded Genetics?” You perkily asked the man beside you handing you your coffee. “And thanks for the coffee, Reid.”

“What?” Reid questioned as he nodded at your thanks. 

“WooPea!” You laughingly replied as you could hear the simultaneous groans of three other people behind Reid. “You do know I could hear all three of you, right?” You frowned jokingly.

“We know. That’s why we’re groaning.” 

“Oh, come on, you guys!” Spencer came to your defense. “It was a funny joke! Gregor Mendel would’ve definitely said that. The Pisum sativum, or what we commonly know as the garden pea, helped him carry out a lot of key experiments that studied inheritance. Even geneticists still use that nowadays.”  

Spencer continued babbling which you encouraged as you both sat down at your respective tables. Both of you too lost in your bubble to hear the others, Emily sighed and turned to Derek and JJ.

“I’ve had enough of those two.” She muttered a bit bitterly. “If not one of them confesses by the end of the week, or so help me God! I will take it in my hands and lock them inside a closet to figure it out.”

Both Derek and JJ broke out in fits of laughter, catching both yours and Spencer’s attention.

“Hey! Fill us both in on what’s going on!” 

[doromoni]

Hunting Affections

Charles Leclerc x photographer!reader

Max Verstappen x photographer!reader

Epilogue

fanfic + smau fic

faceclaim : Hwang Eunbi

warnings : nothing ig?

A/N : UP FOR EDITING 🤍

masterlist

<previous

Summary; Love is but a concept — just connections of neurons that take part in the brain … and yet, why is it the most painful when one falls alone?

or

Loving someone who doesn’t love you back , until you can’t no more. Maybe then they’ll actually know what they’ve lost.

Certainty is not a word to describe life, as change is constant, and nothing can tell what tomorrow may bring. No day is perfect, and no day is the same as the ones before. Everything changes and not all people in our lives actually stay, and not everything that we planned is fated for us — but maybe it’s actually for the best.

I thought that I had lost myself when a person that I loved parted from my life. I thought that my everything was over when Charles Leclerc left me.— well I did, and it did, but I found a better version of me in the end.

Now, I could honestly say that I’ve forgiven all that had been done. I am truly thankful for everything that had happened in the past, for what I have now couldn’t have happened because of it.

y/n_stills.

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y/n_stills. Everyone, we would like for you to meet our sweetest angel, Jilian 💙.

We’ve decided that it was time that you all get to meet our most precious, baby girl. During the first few years of our baby, we have decided that it would be the best to keep her out of the spotlight and keep her to ourselves for the meantime. We hope that you understand and respect our decision and that everyone will show kindness to our angel.

comments are restricted

“Mommy, please hurry up! I don’t wanna miss Daddy’s race” and there goes my most precious little girl stomping her feet as she sped towards my legs hugging them in a death grip.

“I know, I know , my sweet . Mommy just needs a minute to fix my hair , then we’ll go see daddy, alright? Why don’t you choose which car you want Mommy to drive” I said trying to placate the pouting girl. Nodding eagerly, she dashed towards the garage.

She was a carbon copy of her dad, from her features to her attitude — She really was her daddy’s daughter alright. She even got his love for cars and his passion for the sport — I love her even more for it.

Hearing the small footsteps coming back, I grabbed my bag and headed out the door. Seeing my daughter bounce in excitement as she clutched the car keys in her tiny hands has brought the greatest of warmth to my heart. Zooming towards me she then pushed the keys to my hands, then making her way back to the garage. Looking down to key, a chuckle left my lips. As expected, my daughter knew what she wanted , her favorite — and of course it’s her daddy’s Ferrari 488 Pista.

After buckling my baby in her car seat, I drove us to the race circuit. Today was her first ever actual race and appearance to the public. Her father and I had agreed that it was about time to desensitize her to the motorsport world, since both of us are still active in our fields … plus she’s been begging to come with us rather than staying in with her nanny.

Feeling the excitement from my baby , as the circuit came nearer and fans wearing the colors of their teams rushing past our car — with some sending waves our way.

“Mommy, why are they saying hi? Are they friends?” My daughter asked with big eyes as she tried to take everything in.

“Yes sweetie, they are our friends! They also support daddy and other uncles’ racing.” I explained as I parked the car in the private lot.

y/n_stills. 2mins

viewed by landonorris, oscarpiastri, lewishamilton and 1,636,162 others

story replies

landonorris MY NIECE! MY NIECE! MY NIECE!

landonorris your favorite unkow wando is hereeee

y/n_stills. Hmmm favorite… sure.

oscarpiastri Mom! You brought Jillyyyyyy~ please let me babysit later! 🥺

y/n_stills. Well she did miss you

oscarpiastri YES! I promise I won’t leave her with lando!

Grabbing everything we need, I picked up my daughter and placed her on my hip. Her tiny arms circled my neck tightly growing shy from the attention we were getting from the fans as we walked through the paddock

“It’s ok baby. Mommy is here, their not gonna hurt you. Remember, they are our friends! Let’s go find your Daddy, hm?” I said soothingly as I placed a kiss on her forehead. Sensing that she was starting to get overwhelmed, I planned to move quicker to our motorhome, when a familiar voice shouted catching our attention.

“Y/N! Mon Petit Jillian! “

My Jillian physically perked up at the voice. Suddenly giddy , she squirmed at my hold. With a soft smile and with no choice but to let go , I looked at my daughter run towards the man with a squeal.

Jillian ran straight into the arms of Charles Leclerc.

———

“Charles, let’s talk please”

Here we are, where everything had all began. We are once again sitting beneath the stars , hidden from civilization, on the same beach where we poured our soul out for the world to hear.

He remained quiet as he looked at the crashing waves up ahead. Charles looked so peaceful, as if everything had finally fallen into place. Then a soft smile suddenly appeared on his lips as he looked straight into my eyes. Patting the place next to him as he looked back into the ocean, I then complied and took a seat beside him.

We sat their in complete silence, only savoring the peace that the both of us missed. He then spoke , his voice blending in with the sound of the waves crashing ahead of us.

“Do you really love him?” Charles had asked earnestly, there was no anger in his voice. His eyes were clear, holding only tranquility and peace.

“Yes, I do. I do love Max, so so much.” a smile growing , as I answered without a doubt. Charles turned silent again , this time closing his eyes. Yet , again a smile had shown in his lips, this time it reflected understanding acknowledgment, and then finally… acceptance.

“I was really a fool for what I did to you, Y/N. I’m sorry for being selfish and hindering you from your happiness . To be honest, I haven’t been alright for a while … even I don’t understand myself. I felt miserable and I felt that it wasn’t fair … and others should feel the same.”

“When I saw you getting along with everyone, I grew jealous and vindictive, specially when my entire family loved you instantly, I could never do that you know? I was blinded by my own faults, so I blamed you instead because it was easier. I had the mindset that you were mine and I that we should be hurting together… that you shouldn’t be happy when i’m not. I took everything out on you and you didn’t deserve any of it. Not at all. You deserve the entire world and more.”

Charles then looked back at me with the same eyes that looked at me when we first met — the same eyes that filled with the same spark… the spark of freedom.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry for everything …. I’m letting you go. Be happy“

My tears gushed endlessly, as i choked on my sobs. Now Charles and I chanting a different promise to the same stars that witnessed our journey.

———

5 years had passed, and a lot has changed. All of us had moved on and had gone through with our lives. Everything has changed, all of us had matured to what we are now.

“How is my favorite little girl, doing? Did mommy let you play with the present I gave you?” Charles had lifted Jillian to his hip as he caught the toddler mid run. Rolling my eyes at the Monegasque driver, I went towards them.

“Noooooo , Uncle ChaCha! Mommy didn’t let me play with it yet! She said that I could play with it when I’m five!”

Seeing my daughter act petulant to her favorite uncle (Don’t tell Lando) brought a chuckle to the both of us.

“What? How dare Mommy say no to a princess?” Charles acted exaggeratedly

“ Well Mommy is the queen , and Daddy said that everyone should follow her orders” My baby said smartly.

“And Daddy stands by his statement! Mommy is always right!” Then the voice of my husband boomed behind me, and our daughter automatically jumping into her Daddy’s arms.

There stood with the biggest of smiles with our bundle of happiness, joy and love , our daughter settled in his arms, Max Emilian Verstappen , my husband, the father of our child, and the love of my life.

I didn’t need to hunt for affection any longer , Now I am surrounded by it .

Fin~

Thank you for reading, everyone 🤍

[coffeesleep-ooc]

Binghe nicknames

Today im reflecting in LBH’s nicknames, like, SQQ’s nicknames for him, fandom nicknames for him and SQH’s nicknames for him

why you ask? Because my brain is full of sv brainworms, that’s all

Now, this may have some inconsistencies bc it’s what I believe and im by no means chinese…let’s start with the most common ones to name a small Binghe

We have things like bingbing, binghe, white lotus, little sheep and bunhe. The first two look fairly straightforward no? From what ive seen, in chinese using a character of a person’s name repeatedly like this denotes a cutesy way of calling them, and calling someone by their name alone (as long as it has enough characters for that) is a sign of being close. LBH obviously loves SQQ calling him Binghe, nobody else gets that privilege! Even NYY calls him A-Luo and not Binghe, even though that is another way to denote closeness, I don’t believe its the same for him!

let’s go with bunhe, this is (as far as i know, do correct me if im wrong) a fandom’s name for the lil guy, im guessing it came from the english part of the fandom since its a play on his name and in chinese the term for bun would be bao/baozi(?) depending on the type of bun so it wouldn’t be as cute to call him baohe(?) sounds like another person entirely lol

but! Bun makes you think of a round white and soft ball, safe and sweet, unless you are of course, not chinese like me and at first you thought of a golden brownish ball of hot bread, which would work anyways bc freshly made bread it’s delicious and soft. Anyways, i kinda prefer the chinese imagery of bun for this dumb reason ill present to you: Bunhe is a soft round baby, you can nom his cheeks and squeeze him and call him only to see him following cutely! Its the best! But also, when you break the surface you reveal there’s a spicy filling that will leave your mouth stinging and your stomach warm and content, the problem is though, that your white little bao is now in pieces and you can’t reconstruct it, the white surface has been stained with the spicy red from hell and the bitterness of betrayal…but the sweet exterior is still there and it has shifted to become a delicious dish filled with the flavor of home.

am i getting too lost?

lets go back to nicknames! SY gives him the nicknames of little white lotus and little sheep. The second one is pretty self-explanatory, LBH follows him around everywhere like sheep tend to do (also, this is why little duckling also works) but! The consensus in the fandom is that he has curly hair right? Well, imagine a little boy with fluffy hair following you around and trying to help you with everything? It’s impossible not to want to pat his head and squeeze him, so little sheep it is.

now, i’ve seen that sv fandom uses white lotus a lot! SY himself uses it if I remember correctly, but i feel like sometimes we forget where it truly comes from and what SQQ is saying when he calls LBH that, its true that LBH is like a flower, whilting or flourishing on command like SQQ is his sun, his earth and his water. But from other novels i’ve read, I’ve realized that calling someone a white lotus is not necessarily a compliment! In chinese slang a white lotus is someone that looks pure and kind, respectful and pretty, just like the lotus flower peacefully and beautifully resting on a pond, but it also tells us that such a person has a hidden agenda, a hidden side to their personality just like the lotus has roots in the dirt, underwater where we can’t see, its growing and taking advantage of the nutrients of the deepest parts of the earth, so it’s someone “muddy” and “dirty” that presents themselves kind, pure and innocent!

Which means- that SQQ is calling LBH this to remind himself that even though this cute lil boy is obedient and sweet now, he will (in SQQ’s mind at least) torture him and show his true colors later on the road, after he has been utterly betrayed. I quite like this nickname because of how innocent it looks at first, and how sweetly SQQ is usually portrayed while calling LBH this, but he actually knows deep down that he is possibly playing with fire, and even so, he chooses to care and to ahow love to LBH -sobs-

LBH post canon ends up with a lot of trauma, attachment issues and insecurities, and SQQ calling him white lotus shows that he knew about LBH’s bad sides since the beginning. BUT. He. Doesn’t. Communicate. That!!!!! This dumbass!!!! (Affectionate)

Now, there’s also the nicknames SQQ-SQH use to differentiate the Binghes, and i find it incredibly funny too. There’s Bingge (Bing from his name and Ge from older brother), not only called older brother bc he is the original, but also because he is ruthless and cool beyond expectations (we see in the extras, that he is very intelligent and cunning, but equally as shizun starved smhw) he is strong and much more serious and bitter than his counterpart, not to mention the sheer number of women he has (which, as stallion power fantasy, would make him “more manly” but that’s another topic), so, older brother it is!

Sv LBH is usually called Binghe or even ‘my son’ by SQH, which i find hilarious bc SQQ hates it, he doesn’t want to acknowledge SQH as LBH’s father even if he is the creator. This is obviously a running joke but it makea me think of SQQ then accusing SQH of also marrying his own son (MBJ) which would be extremely funny and SQH would be mortified.

anyways, LBH is also calles Bingmei (Bing for his name and mei for little sister) and this is where it gets interesting, because they clearly could have chosen didi (little brother) but didn’t! And this reinforces the comedic role of LBH, he isn’t just a gay protagonist, he is a gay protagonist that - following the advise of his (unknown) creator/shishu - acts like a total maiden throwing a massive tantrum to get SQQ’s attention, he cries like a little girl, he tugs on SQQ’s sleeve with big watery eyes and becomes his housewife. Not only that, but his insecurities are exaggerated by his acting and it gives the impression of him having a massive maiden heart that will die dramatically if her husband doesn’t pay attention to her 25/7 (no, the 5 is not a typo), and it’s true that he has a maiden heart, but he can live without the 25/7 attention, he is just that dramatic. And obviously lets not forget about the picture of a previously ruthless stallion protagonist in the transmigrators’ minds actually turning into this kind of person that acts frail and cute for his husband, it’s just too much for them, and so, he gets called little sister, like a spoiled younger sister, the apple of her parent’s eye. Honestly when i first read that nickname I couldn’t stop laughing for a long while.

finally im going to babble about LBH’s nicknames for himself, we have, this disciple and this husband which are very contradictory but funny when used together. This disciple is not a special title or anything, because for LBH, he is *not* someone that should be special in any way, he just wants to be special to SQQ, who he adores and admires and wants to always protect. Many ppl call themselves ‘this disciple’ to address SQQ, its a way to denote their status and their willingness to be taught by him, to have a familial relationship outside of blood. Now, this is important to LBH bc he feels like he belongs somewhere calling himself this, especially bc he had no home before, and after when he was part of the peak he was singled out as special but in a bad way, so I believe that he just wants to belong somewhere, to a home. Later on, its also important to him because its a reassurance that SQQ still recognizes him as his family. This disciple, for SQQ is like a threat, but for LBH is a way of asking ‘do you still want me?’ ‘Do you see im the same person you shared your home with?’ And that SQQ doesn’t dare reclaim him at first hurts him bc he yearns to go back to being his disciple, cared for and protected under his master’s sleeve. But LBH also wants more than that if he can have it, and this is when the abandonment issues kick again. He calls himself ‘this husband’ in tears, because he got what he wanted and what he was sure he didn’t deserve for being himself, it’s again, a reassurance of his position in SQQ’s live and in his heart, it means he has the power to *stay*, which is the most important thing for him.

Ill finish here bc im getting mushy and weepy and i need to write and read more fic, thanks for coming to read my babbles and do tell me if there’s something or some nickname i missed and you want it studied too! ����

[roo-bastmoon]

IMPORTANT INFO: issues around Jimin’s album

I have an ARMY friend (who shall remain safely anonymous) who works in film production for the music and entertainment industry here in the US. They offered me some valuable insights today into production limitations and possible issues related to Jimin’s solo album.

Below the cut is a transcript of their messages to me. I share this in the hopes it better informs our discussions around fair treatment of BTS members’ releases. It is by no means a definitive account of Jimin’s situation—simply an insider’s ideas on what likely happened around a few things.

I understand there are very big feelings about this topic, especially with the apparent differences around JK’s single, and I appreciate everyone’s viewpoints. However, if you choose to interact with this post, you will be respectful to others (including members) or you will be blocked. You are always welcome to DM me privately if you need to vent—we are all human and we all need a bit of grace, so you’ll always have that with me.

Sending you guys so much love, Roo

Anonymous Insider

Some “light reading” while you’re resting up and recovering, lol. This is all just based on what I’ve been watching and seen. Of course, I don’t have access to their production budget sheet and Korea works very differently than the US when it comes to production, but this what I’ve been seeing when it comes to their videos and particularly the promotions for FACE.

(I’m sending in sections, lol)

Alrighty - I’m still like deep in edit-land (still am two days later 😭) but I started typing this on the train between meetings, ha ha. (And am still on the train doing this, lol.) Also this rambles a bit I’m sorry! So the first thing I did was go back to the interview where Jimin talked about the music videos — it was a Japanese TV show and he’s talking with a host in Korean.

He’s talking about “wanting to do it all,” laughs and says, “I wanted all the music videos” and that “they” (the company assuming) said “무리다” which has its roots in the word 무리 which means a herd, a party, a group — basically “it’s too much,” “it’s unreasonable,” and “it’s impossible” are decent translations as it refers to something or an idea being “too much” — then the host and Jimin burst out laughing and the host goes “서리와 무리다” which I read as “sorry (in konglish) but we can’t” and they continue to laugh. So based on that —it sounds very understandable.

We can imagine Jimin sitting down with his team and planning out SMFP2 and LC videos, with the 30 dancers and all the party scene extras, and then Jimin saying he wants to do the music shows with 6 different sets in rented locations so they could have total control. And if Jimin in that process went “what if we made official music videos for all of them?” the team would understandably go “that’s just not reasonable!” 1) because it would give Jimin a budget no other member had gotten and 2) there aren’t that many production houses in Korea. It’s a very small scene — it may just logistically not been possible. There aren’t enough DPs and crew and editors. Sometimes, as a producer, you have to tell your creative talent “I’m sorry, but no.” — I say it every week!

So what about the music videos? Well, here’s what I know from meticulously watching all the behind the scenes for BTS videos over the years. They work with a small team. They likely own a good deal of the gear — they shoot mainly on RED cameras and heavy expensive Cooke lenses (which you can’t get this stuff easily in Korea. I lost a lens cap for a Canon CINÉ Lens in Seoul and it was like this whole big deal because getting gear there is an import challenge but anyways) they use MOVI and Ronin gimbal stabilizers and Jimmy Rigs a lot.

Recently they’ve been using technocranes but I wonder how many technocranes there are in Seoul. As I said, they likely own a lot of this gear which can help with costs. But we’ve also been told — and I’ve heard through my industry friends — that Hybe PAYS. And in Korea there’s no unions in the entertainment world, and often the rates are shit (hence Netflix investing so much there - blerg) their standard work week is also already 12 hours longer than the US. It’s a whole thing. and they spend so much money on sets. It’s incredible.

They rent these huge spaces outside Seoul and BUILD — I mean the build out for SMFP2 was astounding. They easily dropped 1million on that video. The rigging, the build-out, the custom set and the custom camera rigs to achieve the 360 shots - the drone shots. They’re astounding videos. No US label is spending that money on videos these day. Absolutely none of them are — my friend recently produced a video for John Legend. They were trying to pull the whole thing off for $100K which is ridiculous. It’s really almost impossible.  

But on the Big videos they spend a lot of money, but they also produce a lot of other stuff too (and these are often looked at as Performance Videos vs all-caps MUSIC VIDEOS) -— like RM’s video shoot at DIA Beacon… that was a much smaller, fairly single camera shoot — all shot on drones or a MOVI handheld rig. No set, they also didn’t like pay for the set because DIA: Beacon is an art museum — and similar a little bit to Letter for Jimin, which was much smaller set and easy in-house gear.

(And it was also released on Bangtan TV channel vs Hybe Labels Channel, which is a good indicator of how they categorize these shoots.) But the big videos, they go for broke. I mean they spend so much money and again they may own a lot of the equipment but there’s still so much people-power and labor involved. Take the dancers’ rehearsals. You have to pay people for all that — you have to pay them for the weeks of rehearsal, you have to pay them to be in a video. It is so expensive — like, I would not be able to budget that video for under 1 million, that’s how much it costs.  

So then Jimin wanted to do music shows —- and so because he’s Jimin and it’s BTS, Hybe rented larger venues and locations for all of the shoots. None of them use the actual Broadcast spaces or were provided by the broadcast studios. The smaller companies do though — remember when BTS first started out they went to SBS to film on the day? — but they don’t do that anymore. They rent huge facilities so that they could be a mini concerts for ARMYs to visit with Jimin and see him.

They also have to do this kind of outside of the city and they built huge sets because they’re going to want to show off if they’re gonna be on TV but that is so expensive. (I don’t think you were an ARMY then, but when ON was released, at the time it was the “biggest broadcast performance ever” and they keep upping that ante for sure!) It’s possible the broadcast companies spend some money but what BTS is doing is so outside the usual budget and given the tension with the broadcasters and HYBE — they (Hybe) wants control of their products, and so I think they pay for that control.

I can’t imagine they got out of any of those days for under $500K; I mean, there were two different sets, all the crew; they’re paying for all of it. We add it up and they probably spent close to $3-5 million between Jimin’s music videos and his music show performances, and I would be understandably like: “That’s it!” Like, that’s the budget for an EP, you know.

I don’t think Jimin could have it all because that wasn’t the case for the other members. RM got to lead videos and J Hope had pyrotechnics, which definitely costs money and safety and insurance. You know he had visual effects his first video (a lotta visual effects) and again a lot of challenging technocrane work, but I haven’t really seen them build something on the scale of what they built for SMFP2 in a very long time (or ever?).

We heard from the Art Dept that Jimin did not want to shoot on blue screen, so they built the set for him. This cannot be the same label that is shafting him — that allows him to spend that amount of money just because the artist said “I want to shoot in a real space!” because I’m gonna be completely honest— he could’ve done that on a blue screen — I’m glad they built a real world because BTS almost always shoots on Blue/Green Screen. They build him a huge set like that. It’s absolutely incredible.

I was also reminded this morning that people are talking about radio for Like Crazy and not supporting the song — and I just keep thinking that they did exact rollout for Butter, Dynamite, and Permission to Dance. They released Like Crazy. It had both a Korean version and English version. (Obviously that wasn’t the case for the English BTS songs.) They released two additional remixes. Then they kept releasing, like, alternate cover versions — alternate covers of the main remix, alternate cover the other remix. They were trying to maximize the direct-to-consumer store and exact same way they had tried to maximize it with Dynamite and Butter and Permission to Dance.

The way you were buying Like Crazy was the same process I took on Dynamite. They did the exact same playbook. So the fact that they were unable to get the kind of radio play they wanted or maybe they weren’t prioritizing radio because they knew that they were gonna have a better chance at direct to consumer sales... Maybe they didn’t want to fight radio. Maybe Geffen was like “We don’t have the right ‘Ins’ yet!” — I’m not sure, but the fact that they got completely screwed over by Billboard doesn’t mean that they weren’t actually rolling it out in that way, because as soon as they started doing the whole alternate cover thing, I was like: “Well, they clearly want us to try to go for number one!” You know, “They clearly think that they are going to be able to get number one on the hot 100 and we’re gonna use these sales to do that!” And clearly that’s all changed now.

They keep changing the rules on us, so — with JK, they’re obviously trying to, you know, use whatever tools they have available to them at this point.

Finally, when it comes to restocking the digital single CD. There are still albums available in the store. So why would they manufacture and ship more (likely thrown away) plastic that’s just for one song, when those CD singles only serve to raise sales for the charts? All of the other member’s CD singles are out of stock except The Astronaut, which they treated more like a proper album a bit (kinda like the Butter CD releases). Because they still have both versions of his full albums in stock, so if I were Hybe, I’d be like “No,you need to buy the album, we still have albums, we’re not going to sell you a single song when you can buy the album!” That makes more sense to me. The albums cost more.

TL:DR, haha — so I feel like this narrative around Jimin’s release has been ramped up because, from my professional opinion, he’s had the most expensive release so far (by far) and if we want to compare him to, say, Beyoncé — well she owns her own production company (Parkwood Entertainment), so she can funnel her own money into a Visual Album, I don’t know if Jimin has considered that at this point in his career, but in the future, he might!

((Not including costs for Suga’s tour because that’s a whole other thing, and the tour probably made money I would expect to balance out the cost of the tour itself))

Anonymous Insider

This isn’t to say that the other things, the part where he didn’t get the cake celebration, or the posts, the issues with the linking and this general feeling that Jimin was short-changed in these things isn’t valid and understandable. I think Hybe relied too much on D2C sales and I don’t think they leveraged their might as much as could have for JM. They could have risked more for him.

{This is an end of Anonymous Insider’s messages to me. They noted that they are an intermediate non-native Korean speaker so please excuse any translation errors. They translated things themselves using Naver tools that aligned with the video subtitles.}

So, listen, I still don’t think Like Crazy was sent/promoted to radio (which was a mistake and still is a mistake) and I am furious at the shady articles and lack of celebration for Jimin…

But after reading the way the members approach their work in the Beyond the Story book and now hearing from someone who produces these works for a living, I have to wonder if the company was doing everything they knew how to do for Jimin, but the second it didn’t work out because of the western music industry culling streams and sales, they pulled back all their resources and pivoted for Yoongi and JK. (I also wonder if leadership shut up about it all due to liability issues, or not to cause bad blood with the music industry for future releases.)

Again, I’ll never forgive the lack of celebration and the split streams (not without a great explanation), but at least now I think there’s a good chance no one was actively trying to sabotage Jimin on purpose. They seemed to have wanted that #1 and then it all went to shit because Billboard and radio want to get paid. Maybe leadership decided not to put any more resources into Face but instead pivot for all the future music coming out (including PJM2.)

Perhaps I'm a cockeyed optimist. I’m just hoping like hell they never engage in payola. I want all our boys to win, but I want us to win fairly. And even if everyone cannot have the same investment every time on every project, I hope when they come back together in 2025 that everyone feels good about their solo works and each other. This is my prayer. Love, Roo

[thehopelessromanticclub]

THE KISS CAM

Pairing : Jeon Jeongguk x Y/N

Genre : Fluff, dating au

Word count : 1k

Summary : you appear on the KISS CAM but with the wrong person…

Weekends…

There was nothing special about weekends. For you weekends were boring. It consisted of you munching some potato chips, binge watching Kdramas, living up to your name of night owl. That was it. That was the end of it.

But that was until Jungkook came along, your boyfriend of 6 months. Weekends never felt so amazing…

Loving him was so easy…

It felt so natural…

He was shy. He was tired and messy hairs. He was oversized clothes and ripped jeans. He was whispers at 4 am. He was the smell before it rains. He was the love of her life. A love she never expected would be hers. A love so pure, that it feels to good to be true.

Author’s POV

Ding Dong

“Coming…” you yell loud enough for the entire neighbour hood to hear you before making your way to the door to open it.

There he was standing looking handsome, dashing, cool, amazing as ever… Words were never enough to describe him.

“Ready to go?” He enquired before complimenting how beautiful you looked. He always does that. He’ll call you beautiful even if you were ugly-crying some moments ago. He’ll call you beautiful even if you just woke up and ur face is all swollen up. You were always beautiful in his eyes.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” You chimed in making sure to lock the door before you left.

Jungkook had been so into baseball recently, that he convinced you into going to one of the matches that was being held today.

Time skip

“There, that’s our seat.” He said pointing in the direction of two empty seats, both of you making your way into the direction.

The whole stadium was packed with tons of people. More than half of the population wearing their representative team’s uniform. It was spectacular.

“Y/N, is that you?” You heard a familiar voice beside you, hitting your eardrums, which made you turn your head in the direction.

“Yijoon?”

Hwang Yijoon, or more like your crush during high school. Although you did have feelings for him, but that was a thing in the past. As they always say, first love is never successful.

You grew up, your feeling changed. Both of you lost contact owing to the new chapter of adulting in your respective lives. You both got busy in the marathon of growing up.

You’ve told Jungkook about Yijoon once when he inquired who was the guy in your graduation photo, with hearts drawn all over him. Yes, it was you who drew the hearts, your only means of expressing your love for him.

“Omg, Yijoon-ah, how long has it been?” You were beyond ecstatic to meet him.

“I almost forgot about your existence.”

“Well, that was harsh.” He said placing his hand on his heart.

“You grew up so much Y/N, I almost couldn’t recognise you without your braces and bangs.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” You laughed swaying your hair.

Both of you got so busy in catching up that you never realised the game had started and that you had a human being accompany you today.

Jungkook’s POV

“Sigh…” this is the umpteenth time I have been sighing.

I’ve been trying so hard to concentrate on the game but all I can concentrate is on them. I know I shouldn’t be jealous, but it is her CRUSH being referred here. HER F**KING CRUSH.

I so badly want to go and sit between them and tell that guy, “hey dude, we are on a date, and if you don’t mind I’ll have my girlfriend to myself.”

Author’ POV

“Umm…Y/N? Who’s that guy? He has been eyeing us for a while now.” Yijoon inquired.

It was at this moment, she knew she f**ked up.

You quickly turned your attention towards Jungkook giving him an apologetic look.

“Yijoon, meet Jungkook, Jungkook, meet Yijoon.” You quickly introduced both of them.

“Hi, I am Jungkook, Y/N’s boyfriend. I’ve heard a lot about you from Y/N.” Jungkook gave a strong handshake to Yijoon, asserting himself, jealousy clearly visible on his face.

“Hopefully good things.” Yijoon replied.

Before you knew it, it was break time, or should I say KISS CAM TIME.

Numerous couples appeared on the screen, many of them eventually giving in and kissing, all the while, kiss me more by Doja cat played in the background.

“Aww, they are soo adorable.” You squealed clapping your hands, looking at couples on the screen have the time of their lives.

But that was until you appeared on the screen…

With Yijoon…

Oh shit…

You crossed your hands indicating you and Yijoon are not together. Yijoon even tried pointing at Jungkook. But no matter what, the camera wouldn’t budge.

Now even the crowd started chanting, “ kiss kiss kiss….”

That was the end of it. That was the final straw for Jungkook. He pulled you in for a kiss. It was sweet and soft. Our lips were madly in love and married. It didn’t involve tongue. All that was involved was love and longing. Longing for each other.

You could hear the crowd cheering and clapping in the background. But that was all white noise. All that mattered in this moment was you and him. It was your moment.

You pulled away after some time, running short of breath. Your eyes met his.

“Your face is soo…..red. Are you fine?” Jungkook quickly made sure to check your temperature by placing his hand on your forehead.

“I’m fine.” To which he nodded. You could feel your face pulsating, adrenaline still in your veins making a run for it. Conclusion- you were blushing.

“Y/N, you should know you have good taste in men.” Yijoon whispered beside you.

[sixofwandsss]

PAC: what does the future hold for you?

1-2

3-4

“Take 3 deep breaths and allow your inner wisdom to guide you”

Pile 1

You are growing into a version of yourself that is actually in touch with their life purpose. From a you that’s tired of not being satisfied with their accomplishments, to a you that is feeling grateful in the present moment and feels happy with themselves.

In order to tap into this energy you might need to leave behind the lack mindset you picked up from past experiences. You have to believe that you are abundant. The universe will have your back, don't worry. Ask yourself: “What if everything just went right?”

In this future, you are extremely determined and in touch with your 'leader' energy. You will find the will to carry on, you’ll find the passion, you’ll find the fire. You and your loved ones will be secure.

The insecurity, the feeling of being unsuccessful and the sleepless nights will come to an end once you let go of past burdens and give yourself the chance to heal them all

Affirmations: 

I am allowed to have faith in myself

My past does not and will never define me

My fears are valid but I choose to be brave and move forward anyways

Pile 2:

The future holds peace of mind for you; A break from all the conflict you might have been surrounded by for a while now. You will get a chance to rest.

You are going to learn to prioritize self-care and step into your empress energy as you get away from toxic environments.

The future offers a safe place to heal your inner child and develop a stronger sense of confidence. Get ready to feel yourself to the max!

You will probably meet your soul tribe then: people you share an intuitive connection with and who also respect your boundaries

Affirmations:

 I am proud of my journey and how far I’ve come

Today I will celebrate enjoying the fruits of my labor

I am allowed not to take my life so seriously

Pile 3:

The future brings you the opportunity to reflect on things that left a mark on your heart in order to understand the divine purpose behind it all. Sometimes we are put through painful experiences so as to learn something about ourselves and others.

The universe is giving you the opportunity to face those dark repressed emotions in order to heal parts of yourself that were not given enough attention but are actually affecting your perspective on life much more than you'd think.

You can't move through life without acknowledging this part of you. Even though it's unstable and chaotic, it is still a part of you.

"A composed soul is not necessarily a calm one"; Give more space to the untamed part of yourself that wants you to feel raw emotions without needing to intellectualize them

The future you that has gone through this process achieved a lot of wisdom and it's not "lost child" anymore. They integrated both their adult self and their wounded inner child. You will get through this succesfully.

Affirmations:

I honor all parts of myself, especially the chaotic and illogical ones

I forgive myself for being afraid, I forgive myself for not wanting to be vulnerable

Hardships gifts wisdom. How is this situation serving my growth?

5:55

Pile 4:

Your heartbreak will be over soon. It is almost over, my dear. The future offers you a life without the burden of a heavy heart. You are going to get over that person successfully.

In the past you couldn't imagine a life without them but in the future, darling, it's all about you. You as the center of your life. You as the main character.

Even though you might have lost them, you are going to gain self-trust again my darling, the knowing that you can bounce back from every situation no matter how painful it is.

You will connect to your inner wisdom and learn how to trust your instincts; you will shift your perspective as you become more in tune with your intuition. You’ll reserve your energy to those who you truly trust.

Affirmations

I am grateful for everything I overcome in order to reach this point in my life

I am allowed to take what I've learned and apply it into this new chapter of my life

It is safe to let go of a rigid and old mindset

Affirmations by Kitty Knorr " Tarot Affirmations: Self-Fullfilling Prophecies"

[starr-angelofnarnia]

Accidental Hate

I’m certain I’m going to get hate for this, but I’ve been thinking about something a lot since coming to terms with the election results. Overall, I would say the democratic party, leftists, progressives, whatever name you have for the group is far more empathetic than the opposite side of the political spectrum. The term “bleeding heart liberal” always makes me laugh because it’s said as if it’s an insult. You’re looking down on me because I care about others? That’s not the flex you think it is.

But there is a concerning trend within the democratic party in the U.S. that I honestly think has a MONSTROUS impact on why we are where we are today. Plain and simple, a bad habit has developed of labeling things as -ist or -phobic when they just aren’t. I’m going to share some examples and I’ll start with the most immediate example that has me considering this in the first place.

“Kamala Harris lost because Trump supporters are sexist and racist.” No. I’m sure there were some voters who voted against her for being black and/or a woman. But that’s not the majority. The number one reason cited for voting Trump over Harris was the economy. THE ECONOMY. People are struggling to afford basic needs and they don’t think Harris is going to address that. Now, this is a problem with corporate greed (which Republicans escalate) rather than the economy. But that’s not an issue of race. That’s not an issue of gender. That’s an issue of more and more people struggling to put food on the table.

“But they want greater border control. That’s also racist.” Yes. It can be. But remember that fear about the economy? Most people assume that money that should be going to Americans is going to support people who enter illegally. And immigration in general is very nuanced because you have people here legally but temporarily, people here legally who overstay their welcome, naturalized citizens, people seeking refuge and probably more I’m missing. Concerns that borders need to be closed are coming (mostly) from people who are losing their jobs and struggling to survive. Assuming these people are racist ends up being classist because these concerns are coming mostly from the poor and undereducated.

“Jordan Chiles lost her medal because of racists.” Again, no. Anti-American, possibly, considering the nuances of international sporting competitions and human bias (because the US has dominated women’s gymnastics for decades now and other countries want to break that record). But it’s not racist. And anyone who thinks it is, clearly didn’t watch the competition in question. The medal issue is a problem with the International Gymnastics Federation, the International Olympic Committee, and the Court of Arbitration for Sport. And again, there are so many nuances here (it should not be impossible to earn a perfect 10) that makes it difficult. But to call it racist is a stretch. Especially considering Romania (the team that ended up with the bronze), has called for FIG to give Chiles’ medal back, as it was a clerical mistake.

“I can’t believe people stopped buying a brand of beer because the company chose a trans woman as a spokesperson.” This one really ticked me off because Dylan Mulvaney became popular by making videos with disgusting stereotypes of women. I’ll give her the respect she deserves by using her proper pronouns, but she did cause harm with some of the stereotypes she used. Some of the backlash was transphobic. A portion of the backlash were women who felt their voice was being taken away by someone making a mockery of them.

“J.K. Rowling is trans-phobic.” I don’t know her. Maybe she is. (I mean, fuck, she DEFINITELY crossed a line in her criticism of Imane Khelif). But she’s also had some valid points. There are biological differences in men and women that can be dangerous to ignore. A trans-woman can be killed by testicular cancer. A trans-man can die from uterine cancer. Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to learn about a chronic illness that impacts the uterus because I fear I might have it. And finding information on it has been difficult because it has been wrapped up as a trans-gender issue. A person with the illness might be trans-gender, but to even be diagnosed, they would have absolutely been born a woman. Trans-issues are real, but they shouldn’t be wrapped into women’s issues. Both are dangerously under-represented. And quite frankly, I don’t want to be known as a “person who menstruates either.” Again, it’s complex.

Hatred toward people based on their sexuality, gender, race, ethnicity, religion and so on are very real problems. Behaviors and rhetoric that are harmful to minority groups absolutely need to be called out and blasted. But these problems are being over-labeled, slapped on an issue that is more nuanced. And in this habit of over-labeling behaviors as hateful, we’re exposing ourselves as harboring our own kind of hate: hatred toward the lower class, toward the uneducated. By crying “racism”, “sexism”, “homophobic”, “trans-phobic”, etc. for nuanced issues, we’re unintentionally othering, and being classist and educational elitists.

Bottom line: we cannot fight hatred with hatred. And for a significant percentage of the United States, the declaration of democratic policies are anti-poor and anti-undereducated.

[blackch-rry]

This is Love, Isn’t It? 

Pairing: Dark!Neteyam x fem!reader

W/C: 12.5k

Warnings: yandere, dark, name calling, character death, heavy manipulation, violence, making out, no use of y/n, a lot of arguments, almost sa but it doesn’t happen, light gore? idk, mentions of blood, reader is naive

Summary: Having such love and attraction thrown your way gave you no choice but to succumb to it. The desire to love him the way he loves you settling deep within, but there is a limit to how far love goes; a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Neteyam chose to cross it.

AN: sorry this took longer than I said :( pls be sure to read warnings!

***

Your family wasn’t as known in the clan as Toruk Makto’s, of course not. Growing up, your parents made it clear to you that the only thing you must do is work hard and keep your head down. You weren’t blessed with the other kid’s abilities to make friends and keep them for years. You stuck to yourself and focused on following your parent’s orders.

It was when you were fourteen you had a glimpse of friendship.

You woke up quite later than usual. The clan was bustling as normal and a cluster of young teens were already half way done with breakfast. You contemplated on getting something eat since today you and the cluster formed were going out to practice hunting. You needed energy, but there was little time left before you’d have to leave. You stood in front of your family’s hut, lost in thought, but a gentle hand on your shoulder brought you back. You immediately turned your head. Kiri.

You quickly greeted her with nothing but respect. She rolled her eyes. You were a bit taken aback but lightened when she had a smile on her face. “Please, you don’t need to do that. We’re all the same aren’t we?”

No, we most certainly are not.

Of course, she’s so humble. Everyone had the utmost respect for the Toruk Makto and his family. You never talked to any of the children let alone had one this close to you. You once had a thought cross your mind that the children of Jake Sully might have been too proud and arrogant, but you were proved wrong when the entire family showed nothing but kindness and respect back to everyone. Needless to say, fourteen year old you was a tad starstruck.

“Are you eating?” Kiri gestured to the display of food that was left. You crossed your arms over your chest.

“No, I have to go hunting soon. I don’t want to rush.”

Kiri tilted her head. “Well, will you sit with me while I eat?”

You glanced at her before looking away. Eywa, you have no friends. How are you supposed to not be awkward?

“I mean, no offense, but don’t you eat with your brothers?”

“I’ve had enough of them. Come on.” Kiri left her place besides you and sat a bit outside the group of other teens. You stood still, not sure what to do, but you remembered exactly who she was and hurriedly sat next to her. The two of you sat in silence. Uncomfortable silence on your end but Kiri didn’t seem to mind.

“You know, I’ve never done this before. I usually prefer to not interact with…anyone.”

You look at her in confusion and interest. You’ve had urges to do that as well. Walk up to other kids and make friends, but you never had the confidence. You carefully rotated the bracelet your mother made you around your wrist. A habit formed throughout the years.

“What made you come up to me?”

Kiri abandoned her food for a split second, “Don’t know. Just felt like it.”

Three years have passed since Kiri befriended you that day. Throughout the early days of your friendship you thought she’d be your only friend for the rest of time, but eventually you met the rest of the family properly and the other three siblings of hers took a liking to you as well. Especially, one in particular, but you thought of it has him being kind.

Besides Kiri, Neteyam would chat with you the most. He would ask you about your day, include you in conversations, was there to steady you whenever you stumbled, and always listened intently when you spoke. He was truly kind, a gentleman. Lo’ak, on the other hand, wasn’t as straightforwardly engaging as Neteyam. It bothered you slightly.

Having one friend was one thing, but having three more was hard at first. You remembered how awkward you felt when the Sully siblings took you out for their own little adventure all those years ago. Kiri had just turned fourteen and insisted you joined them. You, being a year older now and taller than her, looked ridiculous clinging to her side the entire time of walking into the forest. Her brothers were a ways ahead of you both, but Tuk stayed close. She was definitely the most excited when Kiri introduced you. She kept saying things like how nice it is to have another girl around. You almost ran out of their hut when Lo’ak agreed, a wave of butterflies swimming in you.

Before you even were acquaintances with them you’ve always taken a liking to Lo’ak. A silly childhood crush.

When you girls finally caught up to their brothers, you stopped walking. You’ve never been this deep into the forest before, too scared to wander in by yourself. They led you to a beautiful opening with a shallow lake and the natural beauty of Pandora surrounding you. You smiled when Tuk playfully ran around. You stopped your admiring and followed Kiri. Neteyam and Lo’ak were already lounging on the grass by the water. You sat in between Kiri and Lo’ak. It was a time spent peaceful. You and Kiri opted to look around and occasionally laugh when Tuk kept splashing water on her brothers and ran off before they could scold her.

The peace was interrupted when Kiri brought up Raziel. Another clan member who wasn’t very fond of you.

“Hey,” She nudged her shoulder with yours, “Will you finally tell me what happened yesterday with Raziel?”

You stared at her in surprise that she would bring it up, now and in front of her brothers. Out of your peripheral you saw Neteyam sit up from his previous position. Your tail began flicking out of nervousness and annoyance. Raziel was the epitome of douchebag. You sighed and leaned back on your hands. “It was nothing, really. Just kept messing me up during training. I couldn’t hit a single thing.”

“How?” You hadn’t noticed Tuk behind you, playing with your hair.

“He just kept grabbing my tail whenever I was about to shoot and calling me…”

“Calling you what?”

Neteyam’s sudden assertion made you shiver. You’ve never heard him like that unless he was defending his siblings. You mentally cursed yourself. You never wanted to tell the Sully’s what people have said to you, but at this point your sure they’ve heard it around. You stared at the rippling water.

“He and his friends just call me a leech…clinging onto you guys like a parasite.”

Kiri placed her hand on yours. “You’re not a leech. They’re just jealous because we truly like you and not them.”

You smiled at her, relieved she didn’t agree. Lo’ak spoke, “Kiri’s right. Fuck ‘em.”

“Language, Lo’ak.” Neteyam stared at his brother and shook his head before smiling at you and saying, “We like having you around.”

You felt warm and appreciated. It’s been a long time since you’ve felt like that. The atmosphere shifted after that, thankfully, and you watched as your friends messed around. Mainly Lo’ak, but you chuckled to yourself every time. Kiri, at one point, even got up and played with him. Time had passed and Eclipse was around the corner. You wondered when you all would head back, but that thought died when another presence took Kiri’s spot. You turned to look and found Neteyam staring ahead.

“I’m attending tomorrow’s training. If you need extra practice I’ll be happy to help,” he tilted his head. A shy look on his face as he waited for your response.

You’ve always known Neteyam to be helpful. Charming as well. Everyone in their family had a certain charm to them. You wished to stop the heat rising throughout your face. You could barely look him in the eye as you replied. “That would be nice, thank you, Neteyam.”

“Of course.”

Not a minute later he got up and called everyone to get back home before Eclipse. You only followed when you knew he was further ahead. You ignored Kiri as she teased you for a hint of pink dusting your face.

The next day at training Raziel and his friends didn’t speak a word to you. They weren’t even remotely close to you at all. Not when Neteyam was always at a five feet distance from wherever you stood. That didn’t stop their glares and incessant whispering. It made you even more insecure. Whenever you would catch their burning stares you wished Neteyam would just walk away and watch the others, but he stood behind you and kept giving you pointers that you had no choice but to execute. When the head of the group ended the session you let out a breath of relief and went to pack your bow and arrows.

A grasp on your elbow stopped you.

“Not yet, your form needs a little work.”

You glanced between Neteyam and the retreating group. He seemed to notice your concern and gently went to fix it. “It’s fine. I asked if we could practice more earlier. You won’t get in trouble.”

You nodded and picked back up your bow and got into position. His hands were on you too fast for you to prepare yourself.

“Here, aim higher,” one hand was on your waist and the other on your arm, “and make sure to keep your elbow back here straight and high.”

He moved his hand to your lower abdomen. “Take a deep breath.”

You followed his instruction, “Hold it there when your body straightens. Feel the difference?”

With his hands still on you, it took you a moment to focus. Eywa, you’ve never had a boy touch you like this. Neteyam checked your stance before taking in your side profile. You seemed determined but he saw your tail moving back and forth waiting for his word. He smiled to himself before leaning closer towards your face. “Go, shoot.”

The arrow released and flew through the air hitting the target dead center. Your smile widened and you look up at him. “Wow, I’ve never shot like that before!”

He smirked and placed his hand on your back, “Just needed a little help from me.”

You raised an eyebrow in a teasing manner at his cockiness. He laughed before his hands were moving you back into position.

“Again.”

That day of Neteyam helping you and the months after that flew by. Your sixteenth birthday was days away and that meant the moment of fighting your future Ikran was approaching. Neteyam kept staying after training sessions with you until you no longer needed it. Even the adult in charge of training said you were on your way to becoming a great hunter. You were still surprised to get this far with Neteyam’s roaming hands on you throughout each practice. You chalked it up to that he’s just a tactile person. Even when the both of you are heading back home he kept his hand on your lower back before you eventually parted ways. His lingering touches and presence around you became more frequent once the two of you spent more time together.

One evening you brought it up to Kiri.

“Is Neteyam a touchy kind of guy?”

“What?”

“I mean that he’s always touching me when I’m around.”

Kiri looked at you like she knew something you didn’t. She rested her chin on her knee. “He only comes in contact with us when we’re annoying him, especially Lo’ak, with a flick to the forehead but nothing else.”

Your confusion about his behavior towards you grew. Kiri caught your questioning state and sighed out your name.

“He likes you.”

“Well, we’re friends. Don’t you like your friends?”

Kiri gave you a deadpanned expression. “It’s so cute and frustrating how oblivious you are.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He likes you in a way that…he might want you to be his mate one day.”

You’ve never felt so embarrassed before. You still had a lingering attraction towards Lo’ak but he’s never kept his hands on you like Neteyam has. You let out a mortified noise, a hand brushing over your face.

“Kiri! Has he told you he likes me like that?”

She huffed, “Not outright, but if he’s not near you he stares you down. I’ve called him creepy so many times but he tells me to shut it,” Kiri smirked, “He’s been like that for almost a year…can’t believe you haven’t caught on.”

You shut your mouth from when it fell open in shock. Have I really been so oblivious? The rest of the time spent with Kiri went back to mindless chatter but as you walked home all you could ponder about was the fact that Neteyam, the next Olo’eyktan, liked you.

You tried your hardest throughout the days that passed between the revelation from Kiri and choosing your Ikran to stick by yourself. Not only were you incredibly anxious about trying not to die to an Ikran but became hyper aware whenever Neteyam was nearby and sneaking away before he could see you. You still had to fully process that his liking towards you was more than platonic and that you could be a potential mate, which is hard to do when you’re beginning your rites of passage and had no clue he was into you.

The three days that passed were dreadful. You woke up early to have something to eat and hid in your family’s hut until you had to go hunting. Normally, you tagged along with Neteyam and Lo’ak but you’ve only been going out with your parents. They were surprised at first, seeing as you haven’t gone hunting with them for two years. You just said you missed spending time with them. Which was true since all your time was spent with the Sully kids. After hunting, you made sure to follow your parents closely back home and wouldn’t leave the hut until the next day.

The night before choosing your Ikran you were eating dinner with your parents before there was a figure standing at the entrance.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Neteyam stood with his riding visor still equipped. He must have just gotten back, “Can I talk to your daughter for a moment?”

He kept his eyes trained onto your parents who gave him their respects before gesturing for you to go. You looked between them and Neteyam before reluctantly getting up and following him. You stopped when he chose a reclusive spot away from any wandering listeners, making sure there was a couple feet distance from him and you. Neteyam gave you a once over, “Are you alright?”

“Yes, why?”

“Well, you haven’t seen any of us lately. Even Kiri doesn’t know what’s wrong.”

You rotate the bracelet on your wrist twice, “Nothing is wrong, Neteyam.”

His eyes narrowed like he was trying to catch your lie. “If nothing’s wrong why don’t you spend time with us. Tuk misses you too.”

You gave yourself some time to come up with a response. Neteyam doesn’t think you’ll say no to hang with them now, so he reaches out for your wrist and begins tugging you with him. You quickly stopped him by gently grabbing his arm with your free hand. “Sorry, Neteyam , but tomorrow’s a big day for me…I just want to sleep early.”

He glanced at your hand on his arm before meeting your eyes. “It can be short. You can just say hi.”

You firmly stand in place before he can tug you with him again.

“Really, I’m tired.”

He looked at your face. You seemed irritated…maybe even uncomfortable. He hardened his stare before letting you go. “Right…go rest.”

You assumed he would head back home but he sighed and got close to you, like how he did when he helped you practice. He looked down at you before putting his hand on your shoulder, “You’ll do great tomorrow.”

He gave you a comforting smile which you returned. You definitely needed to hear some words of encouragement. “Thank you, Neteyam. Goodnight.”

You turned and disappeared back into your hut before sparing him one last glance. When you’ve gone the smile on his face dropped. He stayed there for a minute, watching the hut, before stalking off. Neteyam thought Kiri cleared the air and you would be quick to return his attraction. He wasn’t worried you would reject him. That wouldn’t happen. He just didn’t like how you’ve been ignoring them. Him. The look on your face when he held you…so tense and apprehensive. He despised it and he didn’t want it to happen again.

You woke up the next morning restless and ready to get it done with. When the time came for the small group of others your age to head to the top of the mountain, you were first in line. You glanced around the group and the family of Toruk Makto were standing ahead of the crowd of adults seeing you guys off. Sometimes older members of the clan liked to attend and watch the younger generations fight their Ikran, but you hoped not many would come. You locked eyes with Kiri. You felt immensely guilty for evading her as well, but the gentle smile she gave relaxed you. You sent her a small wave. Lo’ak even gave you a thumbs up. You turned away and bit back a growing smile. When the group left you were relieved none of the Sully’s were accompanying. You didn’t want to embarrass yourself and have them, especially Lo’ak, bear witness.

Half the day had already passed and you had time to catch your breathe while some other teens went first. You winced at the never ending screeches the Ikran’s gave and the piling droplets of blood shed as they attacked your group mates. You were one of the last to step forward. You looked back at another boy who seemed even more nervous than you. At least there were less watching eyes since almost everyone was taking their first flight.

The time for your first flight had come in a flash. A few Ikran disregarded you or either flew away, but when a deep blue Ikran with specks of varying blue colors screeched and attacked, you let the moment take over you.

Now, here you were, bonded for life, and soaring through the sky. You never felt such immense happiness in your life. Even if she gave you hell to feel it. You forgot the numerous gashes across your body as you took in Pandora. Ora, is what you called her. Her blueness reminded you of the clearing in the forest and the shallow water. You’ve heard the story of Neytiri and Seze. Now that you understand and feel the deep connection coursing through you, you pray to Eywa you will never have to experience the heart ache of losing your Ikran.

After the first flight, you landed on one of the clearings near home and the huts. Dismounting Ora and releasing your queue, you heard Tuk.

“You’re back!”

The joy displayed on your face increased as Tuk hugged you. The rest of the siblings falling in behind her. Kiri watched with bright eyes as you ran your hand across Ora.

“Wow, she’s beautiful!” Kiri said, full of wonder.

You nuzzled your cheek against the side of Ora’s head before she took off to rest. You all watched her go before Kiri grabbed your hand.

“How did it go?” She pulled you in for a hug of her own and wanted to bombard you with questions. Her time to start her rites of passage was coming soon. You stepped back and grabbed her hands, “It was amazing. I’ve never felt so happy in my life, Kiri.”

She went to embrace you once more, but Neteyam pulled her back. “Stop, Kiri. Can’t you see she’s injured?”

Neteyam let go of her once he could examine you. He turned you around before taking your hand. “She needs some of Mo’at’s salve for her cuts.”

His hand found a place on your lower back. You looked over your shoulder at Kiri before Neteyam continued to urge you forward. Kiri raised her eyebrows in annoyance but understanding. Her brother’s pining was getting on her nerves. “Come on, Tuk. Let’s go.”

Neteyam left you in his family’s hut while he went to get the salve. Lo’ak took a seat next to you.

“Does it hurt?”

You averted your eyes from the fresh cuts to him. “Not really. I don’t really care anyways.”

Lo’ak scooted closer, he threw an arm over his propped up knee. “I can’t wait until Kiri and I go up the mountain. You know,” He laughed to himself and you grew curious, “When Neteyam came back he was such a baby. Crying over the littlest of scratches.”

Lo’ak grabbed your arm closest to him, “Tinier than yours. He was throwing a fit when grandmother healed him.”

The thought of Neteyam acting as such caused you to laugh along with Lo’ak. The two of you didn’t notice he came back, hands full. The laughter died down when Lo’ak’s hand was being taken off you and Neteyam began spreading the medicine over your cuts.

“It’s okay, I can do it.” You went to take the bowl of salve but Neteyam moved it out of reach.

“I want to help.”

You turned to his brother but he just shrugged his shoulders slightly. That heat from before resurfacing. You watched Neteyam work on healing you gently. This touch of his making your heart beat in a way you never knew. After growing close with Neteyam you weren’t comfortable with his hands on you at first, but the conversation you had with Kiri crossed your mind. He does it because he likes you? You never had experience with boys. Your crush on Lo’ak was the first time you found that tight ache in your chest whenever you looked at him, the first time you ever desired to kiss someone.

You glanced away from Neteyam working to his brother. He’s distracted, folding a leaf into something Eywa know’s what. Lo’ak’s never been touchy with you, he’s never as attentive towards you as Neteyam. He doesn’t like you. You felt sullen at the thought.

Neteyam catched you eyeing his brother. He put the bowl down, a little bit too heavily, “Lo’ak, go find Kiri and Tuk.”

“What? They’re fine-”

“Lo’ak.”

Said brother shook his head and pushed himself off the ground, slinking off in annoyance. The coolness of Neteyam’s hands were back again. This time you brought yourself to stare at his face. He’s so focused but you can tell he’s thinking hard. There’s a quaint frown he’s got adorned. You let him be since you know he’s almost done. He went around you, searching for anything he missed. He hummed in satisfaction. You reached for his arm before he could start to bring the supplies back to Mo’at.

“Thank you, Neteyam.” You gave his arm a squeeze accompanied by a timid smile. He beamed back down at you. He turned his head around towards the hut’s opening and squatted back down to bring his mouth near your ear.

“Meet me after eclipse. I have something important to tell you.”

He left you there to contemplate.

Once the evening sky faded to nothing but black you silently got up from your lying position and peeked your head out. It was a known fact that no one was supposed to go out during eclipse, but Neteyam didn’t give you a chance to question him. You could get caught and suffer consequences dealt by your parents. You almost turned around and went back to sleep, but Neteyam’s deep voice, whispering in your ear, was too intriguing to abandon.

You kept throwing fearful glances as you hastily left the sleeping clan. He didn’t tell you where to meet, but there was a spot all the mischievous teens snuck out to on nights like this. You felt a pang of guilt when you spotted Neteyam leaning against the side of the mountain. He casually said your name. He sauntered over and you met him in the middle.

“I’m sorry for keeping you waiting.”

“It’s not a problem. You showed up.” He gestured with his head to follow. He sat with his legs falling over the ledge. You waited for Neteyam to speak. It must be something troubling him, you guess, since his tail was moving swiftly. Never have you had a conversation with him like this, just you and him, out past curfew. You didn’t want to seem like you were rushing him, so you waited until he was ready to talk. He stared ahead, towards the star filled sky.

“Are you attracted to my brother?”

Taken aback, your eyes widened. This was certainly not what you had in mind to come out of his mouth. You immediately said, “Did Kiri tell you?”

“So it’s true?”

“I’m not sure anymore.”

You really weren’t. Months ago, you asked your mom how she knew your father was the one she wanted to mate with. She told you stories from her past; how she was infatuated with another clan member but your father made her feel special. He left her gifts and spoke words of adoration before she decided to give him a chance. You’ve been thinking about how different Lo’ak is from Neteyam. If Lo’ak had an inclination of returning your feelings, maybe he would have been the one to help you practice, ask you to spend time with his family, take care of your scrapes and bruises. You turn to face Neteyam. Your tail beginning to move with curiosity.

“Why are you asking me?”

“I needed to know if you thought of him that way,” he side eyed your face. His expression changed to something you didn’t have time to decipher. He used his hands to assist in scooting back to turn his body completely in your direction.

“Neteyam, I’m not sure what-”

“I like you…and I can’t spend another day keeping these emotions to myself.”

You watched him take your hand. His thumb grazed over your knuckles. Not knowing what to say, you looked at him. He took this as his moment to continue.

“A few months after I met you, I just felt so captivated. You like to keep to yourself but when you finally let go and be apart of the moment you glow. I see it when you talk to Kiri. I saw it when you came back with Ora. Especially right now, even though we all emit light after eclipse, you are the only one I see. Glowing so bright…so beautiful.”

Neteyam moved your hand so it was resting on his chest. You could faintly feel his heart beating.

“I found myself desiring to see you like that at all times. I wish to become a reason for it as well.”

Speechless, you suddenly want to look anywhere but him. You don’t know what to do with words full of affection and intimacy being spoken to you. It felt warm. You felt seen. You kept your gaze leveled with his own. Neteyam still had his hand on top of yours that rested on his chest, so he lifted his other to move your hair. He then tenderly held a side of your face.

“I want to be with you.”

You couldn’t move away, not when his confession sent you into a daze. Being wanted romantically…you couldn’t believe the newfound emotions that coursed through you. You wanted to cry and the gathering of tears stinging your eyes didn’t help.

“Neteyam,” you let your fingers spread against his chest, wanting to feel his skin, desiring to see him the way he sees you. A sudden flash of insecurity hit. You pulled back, hesitantly removing your hand from him.

“I’ve never been with someone before.”

He smiled despite the loss of contact, “I know, but,” Neteyam inched closer. His knee hitting yours.

“Do you trust me?”

One thing you knew was that you did trust him; you trusted all of the Sully’s. Being here, with him choosing you to be vulnerable with, letting his true feelings for you shine, gave you a sense of something dreamlike. The way the warmth of his body spread and his eyes pulling you in…felt so tantalizing. Like he was luring you and you didn’t mind. You thought to yourself, were his eyes always this beautiful? You moved your gaze slowly across his face, taking in all the little details that escaped you before. Overwhelmed by his being and the entire weight of his confession, made you nod you head. Yes, I trust you.

That was all he needed so he grasped your face with both hands and brought your lips to his. This time you didn’t pull away. You let him guide you, letting the moment take the two of you completely. Unsure what to do you, you tried your best to keep up. He parted your lips with a swipe of his tongue. A few more shared kisses before he leaned away, only to bring the two of your to your knees so he could slowly rake his hands down your back and pull your body pressed up against his.

The heat of the moment grew. Two sets of eyes searching, waiting for what came next. A smile of pure joy graced his face making you display one as well. He wasted not another second before he dove back in to have you. You had to take little breaths of air in between the small amounts of time he allowed you. If you had known how good it feels to kiss someone then you would have been doing this earlier in your life. If you had known of Neteyam’s feelings then you could have been kissing him like this, like nothing could matter more in the world than his lips wanting yours, much sooner.

Neteyam let out a stifled growl. He needed more. His hands grasped the back of your thighs as he lowered himself to sit on his heels. He used the back of your thighs to raise you onto his lap. Neteyam smirked at the gasp that escaped you. It drove him to grab the back of your head, deepening the kiss. His lips begun increasing in movement. You finally withdrew when his other hand, the one that wasn’t cradling your head, kept inching lower and lower.

“Neteyam…I think we should stop now.” Your voice soft but strained.

He furrowed his brows, “Why?”

“It’s just a little too fast for me. I’m sorry.” He looked at you briefly, looking for a hint of deceit, but he remembered this is new to you.

“No, don’t apologize. You’re right. We can take things slow, for now.”

You removed yourself from his lap. “We should get back.”

He was quick to follow you. On the walk back to the clan you had an urge to hold his hand, so you did. Stepping feet away from your sleeping parents, Neteyam took a quick kiss. Before you departed he asked, “We’re together now, right? I can be with you like this forever?”

Still reeling from his touches and kisses, you had no other thought but yes. You nodded your head at him and basked in the tight embrace he gave you.

For the remainder of the night, sleep didn’t come for a while as you laid replaying the previous events. You never knew your heartbeat could be so fast. All because of him. Despite you not being on the same level of affection as him, you thought he deserved a chance to have his feelings reciprocated. You’re willingly to be with him and dreaming to see where it leads you.

While you couldn’t stop thinking of what happened, Neteyam couldn’t stop thinking about how he was the first to kiss you. The thought of him being the only person who will get to kiss and have you drove him wild. Nothing mattered more to him than making sure you were only his to touch, kiss, and mate.

Once you he was sure your love was as strong as his, he would make sure you and him stayed together even after Eywa decides it’s time. Nothing will come between Neteyam and what he desires. Not a single thing.

***

That fateful night seemed like an eternity ago. You and Neteyam had been together for over a year now, reaching two. The beginning was slow like how you wanted. Nobody knew of your secret relationship. The nights ended with delicate kisses and warm embraces. Kiri had a hunch. Even though you kept your part hidden, Neteyam didn’t shy away from having some form of touching and lingering around in your presence. His sudden outbursts at any comment Raziel threw at you grew each time. Not only did Kiri suspect, but almost everyone did. When things had become too hard to cover, you fessed up. The Sully family wasn’t surprised. Tuk hugged you for quite a while before Neteyam started to complain about it. Your parents were the only ones slightly shocked but were happy and prideful nonetheless. Especially since it was the son of Toruk Makto. As your relationship with Neteyam grew, so did the heavy weight of everyone’s expectations.

You soon realized the dream of becoming a mighty warrior might not come true. Your parents encouraged you to spend most of your time practicing the ways of Tsahik and so did Neteyam. He was exceptionally insistent you stayed home, with his grandmother, away from the dangers lurking throughout Pandora. After one heated argument with Neteyam over it, you reluctantly agreed. It wouldn’t be so bad to try at least. The past six months have consisted of seeing Neteyam off before he went out with his father to patrol, helping Mo’at grind herbs, staying in Neteyam’s arms when he came home for the rest of the day, and repeat it again.

You longed to see and mount Ora. It’s been weeks since you called for her. The handful of times that you did get to see her, Neteyam was there. You felt a tad guilty for wishing to spend time with your Ikran alone. You weren’t sure how to bring this up with him but you can’t stay holed up all day forever.

Neteyam has always been protective of his siblings, but over the course of your relationship he implemented it with you. You found it cute when he would wrap an arm around your wrist during gatherings for the whole time. He even made you a necklace, one that has matching beads as his.

“Never take this off, okay? If I ever see you without it, it would kill me. You wouldn’t want me to feel that way, would you?”

It was endearing, at first, how he had to beg you to tears to gradually not go hunting or exploring with his siblings without staying by his side. How he would cling onto you no matter what, kissing you all over and saying words of adoration.

But recently, the dynamic between you and him changed drastically. You could tell it was bothering him deeply, but you’ve been so torn up over what happened a week ago.

After dinner one night, you and the Sully kids circled up. You guys often went to a vacant space near the huts to spend time, talking and having fun, to have some sense of relaxation before adulthood crept up on you.

Kiri and Lo’ak seemed to be arguing over a topic that was probably not worth getting heated for, but you got amused watching them. Neteyam pulled you closer, if that was even possible, to give you a peck on the cheek. Which then lead him to tilt your face so he could indulge in deeper kisses to your lips. You never liked it when Neteyam was handsy or displayed this much affection in front of his siblings, especially Tuk. Before you could stop him from going further, an object thrown your way stopped him for you.

“If I knew how gross you two would be, I would have never introduced you! I don’t even want to imagine you two mated.” Kiri pretended to gag then fell into a teasing smile.

You honestly found it funny and so did Tuk and Lo’ak. Neteyam, on the other hand, hissed at her.

“You always find a way to be a little brat.”

You watched as Kiri’s smile fell, hurt replacing any sign of just messing around. You turned your head in shock.

“Neteyam! She didn’t mean it like that.”

“I don’t care. She’s always commenting on our relationship. I’m fucking tired of it.”

His fingers pressed into your side, his annoyance getting the best of him. There’s a scowl on his face towards his sister. It’s quite rattling seeing him snap at her when he’s never done that.

“Dude, chill. It’s not serious.”

Lo’ak glanced between in siblings then to the ground in thought before saying, “Honestly, you’ve been so weird lately. Like we get it, you two love each other, but nobody wants to be around us anymore.”

Your ears twitched. His statement making you confused. You did seem to notice a couple of other young clan members leaving whenever you were around, but you didn’t know why. They never were friends of yours, yet it still left a negative impact in your head. Did you upset them? The atmosphere shifted when Neteyam said his brothers name in warning. His strict voice made you shiver but you pressed further anyways.

“Lo’ak, what do you mean?”

His head lowered and his eyes went between you and Neteyam. The inner conflict he had was apparent. He shook his head, “I overheard some guys, Raziel and his friends. They were saying something about Neteyam…that he threatened them.”

“Is this true? Why would you do that?”

Neteyam scoffed, “You believe that shit? I didn’t threaten anyone. They’re just jealous of us, trying to take you from me.”

You squinted at him. It made no sense to you why they would want to separate the two of you. For over a year, nobody has made an intention like that known. Lo’ak, visibly irritated, kept his jaw tight. Kiri got up and took Tuk with her. She had a feeling things were getting ugly and frankly she was upset. Lo’ak couldn’t keep his anger down anymore, especially after a blatant lie.

“Bro, seriously? You told them you’d skin them alive if they even talked to her! You’re acting crazy!”

Before you could question Neteyam, he spoke, “I’m not fucking crazy! You don’t know what being in love is like! I’m just protecting her…I don’t care about what I said, I would do it if those lowlife bastards even breathed near her.”

Detaching yourself from him, you stared in fear at his words and the sinister voice that accompanied them.

“Neteyam!” You couldn’t grasp that he could even think about harming another person because of you. It made your stomach churn.

“Do you even hear yourself? Protecting her doesn’t mean you can act all psycho and beat someone up! People are scared of you, bro! It’s making them not want to be around us either…you need to chill.”

Lo’ak huffed after voicing out his anger. Lo’ak couldn’t stand to see his siblings being evaded over something that doesn’t include them, or seeing the fallen expression on Tuk when kids would ignore her. He couldn’t stand seeing his brother act like a stranger. Neteyam used to be so kind and good but now that he’s resorted to violence instead of his past level-headedness, Lo’ak doesn’t know what to think anymore. This isn’t the older brother he looked up to.

Lo’ak doesn’t blame you. He actually feels bad that you can’t see what Neteyam has become. Lo’ak has picked up on some weird behaviors his brother has displayed. It made him wonder how he could treat you like that since he’s never seen his parents act in such ways. Ways like how controlling Neteyam is over you; telling you what not to do, who to talk to, or keeping tabs on every little thing you do. Lo’ak didn’t know how to help. He couldn’t outwardly tell you that it’s wrong and not what a healthy relationship consisted of. He just didn’t want to see the both of you like this anymore, a side of his brother that irked him and you so head over heels that you didn’t notice.

Before he can think about it, Lo’ak said, “Honestly, you two should spend some time apart.”

It was a suggestion meant to be caring, to be helpful. You had no time to even process Lo’ak’s sentence. Neteyam left your side, moved so quickly that he pushed you with the action.

You gasped in shock as Lo’ak had been tackled to the ground. Neteyam hovering over him, his knees on each side of his brother locking him in place. His fists making contact repeatedly. You cried hearing Lo’ak’s weak pleas for him to stop. You too begin to plead for Neteyam to get off of him and you tried to grab his arm; unsuccessfully pulling him away.

You felt stunned when you took in the hatred on Neteyam’s face. You’re not sure when you heard their father shout and forcefully shoved his eldest son off his youngest. Lo’ak laid on the ground, coughing up blood, before falling unconscious. Jake could only look at Neteyam in horror before picking up his son. The sight of Lo’ak’s face bloody and unrecognizable made you kneel over and throw up.

When you’ve emptied your stomach, there’s a hand that soothingly rubbed your back. You immediately jerked away to stand, giving distance from Neteyam. You looked at his unscathed body and felt disgusted.

“What the hell is wrong with you? How could you do that to him?” You brought your hands up to your eyes, pressing your palms into them, as if it would help erase what you just saw. You let out a sob.

“Stop crying! You heard what he said! He wants you all to himself.”

You uncovered your eyes in disbelief. What was he talking about? Lo’ak was simply concerned.

“He didn’t say that, Neteyam! He doesn’t want me!” This outburst of his flipped a switch in your mind. Did he truly believe everyone was out to ruin your relationship? That his own brother would too? The longer you looked at him…you couldn’t deny a growing doubt. This isn’t the man you grew to love, at least you thought this wasn’t him. Were you really the cause of him saying awful and doing terrible things?

“Maybe he’s right. We should take a break.”

Neteyam’s sudden grabbing of your wrist caused you to stumble. His eyes squinted and held intense anger. His hand tightened around your skin, it made you wince.

“Don’t say something you don’t mean. We’re not taking a break.”

Despite the large amount of fear, you begun to get frustrated. You pried his hand off you, “I meant it, Neteyam. You scared me and I don’t want to be around you right now.”

You took steps backwards; wishing to be in your hut, alone.

“I’m sorry that I scared you, okay? But you’re hurting me, so much. You can’t leave…don’t you see how much love I have for you?”

Neteyam slowly trailed after you. He no longer looked upset but rather dejected. You swallowed a lump in your throat. The swift change in his demeanor made you cautious instead of guilty.

“I understand how much you love me, and I love you too, but I’m serious.”

You fully turned now, heading home. Your arms were over your chest and your head down.

“Get back here! We’re not done!”

Neteyam’s shout pushed you to quicken the pace. Nearing your hut, you looked over your shoulder. Neteyam walked after you was paused when his father stormed up to him, his hand firmly planted on his son’s chest. You saw Jake furiously say something, but Neteyam’s eyes were locked on your retreating figure.

You cried into your mother’s arms before falling asleep that night.

***

The day after, it was quite easy to avoid Neteyam since he was occupied with his duties, but it became increasingly difficult once he was free. You sat in silence across from Mo’at, who was equally as disappointed after hearing the events from the previous night.

When Mo’at was satisfied with your work she relieved you for the day. You thanked her and got up to leave. Neteyam was lingering around his grandmother’s hut ever since he got back, his face lit up when he saw you. Still mad at him, you ignored his presence and headed out of the caves to call for Ora. You desperately wanted a flight to de-stress. Seconds before you made your calling signal, Neteyam said your name.

“Please, can we talk?”

He stood close behind you. His posture tense. You tilted your head at him, “We’re on a break remember?”

Your words had come out harsher than you intended. You shifted your weight as you saw Neteyam tighten his hands, the healing wounds on his knuckles a reminder of what he did. Neteyam took a deep breath, his body swaying slightly as if he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“I just need to speak with you…please.”

His voice sounded anguished. Your chest tightened, conflicted you spoke, “Neteyam…I don’t know if I want to hear what you have to say right now.”

The silence that followed felt awkward. He came toward you, a scowl on his face, but stopped when you receded. He scoffed, raising his head slightly upward, breathing heavily through his nose.

“Don’t do that, move away from me like I’m scaring you.”  

“Well,” you opted out from saying that he was making you frightened, you said, “I just want to be alone. Spend time with Ora, okay? We can talk later-”

“No,” he cut you off, “I need you to listen to me…I apologized to Lo’ak and I’m suffering the consequences, alright?”

Neteyam reached for your hands, holding them softly. “Everything’s okay now, I swear…even if he did deserve it, I promise you won’t see me like that again.”

You stared at him incredulously. How can he say Lo’ak deserved it? And act like it was just something to sweep under the rug?

“It’s not okay, Neteyam! Let go.” You tried pulling out from his grip and you thought you were successful. You took a step back as he fell to his knees, his hands dug into your skin.

“Please…please- don’t do this to me. Don’t be mad at me.” He stared up at you, eyes glossed over.

“Forgive me…”

Eywa, why did he make this so hard for you? Yes, his recent behavior angered and worried you, but you were never good at saying no. Your developed feelings for him were still present, all the good ways he’s made you feel hard to just forget. You felt a surge of guilt seeing him vulnerable. It would break his heart if you up and left him here without as much as a goodbye. You couldn’t bring yourself to do that, so you searched his eyes and gestured for him to get up.

His touch never left as he stood.

“Just give me time to think.”

You took his hands off of you and turned to call Ora. Neteyam protested, saying that you can’t leave him yet, but finally gave up as you hastily mounted your Ikran and took off. He watched from the mountain until you were a mere spot in the sky. A ball of rage grew inside of him at the sight of your Ikran taking you further away. He didn’t like that you could just fly off when he’s trying to have a conversation with you. It wasn’t right.

During your time with Ora, you spent most of it confessing your worries to her. The amount of mixed emotions taking over made you feel bad that Ora had to experience them as well. The decision made when you returned home didn’t come easy. You wanted to know why the beginning of your relationship seemed like an entirely different one than now. Neteyam used to make you flustered with his gentle touches, endless kisses, and private words that felt euphoric. Yes, you knew he has been protective since the beginning, but you used to smooth it over. Thinking that he acted like that over you because it was both your first real relationship. You thought it was cute. You begun to think back on every detail you must have dismissed before.

It conflicted you until you pondered about when he seemed to change. Back towards the fresh months of being together, Neteyam was nothing but the perfect gentleman, someone who you could see as your future. But when you remembered the very first instance of how he lashed out, the change must have started then.

You were too consumed with completing the task of gathering herbs to see a shadow come up behind you. After you left your bent position, Raziel made his presence known. He was so close to your body that when you saw him you stepped back in surprise. You glanced around the area and saw no one else.

“Raziel, what are you doing here?”

He towered over, his glare was piercing, “I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Why?”

Raziel looked down at you with disgust that slowly morphed into something corrupt, “I want to see what’s so special about you.”

“I used to think that you were a little prude…had nothing to offer.”

His eyes continued to roam over your body, “But if the oh so great Neteyam chose you, then there must be something.”

His hand reached out and his fingers played with the bottom of the piece that covered your chest. You shoved his hand away, repulsed by his action.

“Don’t touch me.”

“No, I think I will.”

He went to grab your arm but it was short lived as he was pushed to the side. Neteyam was breathing heavily as he stood beside you. He wasted no time shoving him harder, “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

This anger radiating off of him was something you have never witnessed before. You moved out of the way and stood behind. Raziel raised his hands in defense, he was never one to actually engage. He always let his friends take the punches for him with whatever fight he started. A pathetic person entirely.

“Nothing, man.”

As Raziel went to leave, Neteyam stared him down. You could tell he was riled up, his biceps flexed as if he was ready to throw a punch. You calmly placed a hand on his chest that brought him back. Neteyam softened his expression a tad seeing you concerned for him.

“It’s okay, love. He’s gone,” you rubbed his arm in a calming manner.

“What did he want? What was he doing to you?”

Still feeling uneasy and disgusted, you evaded his questions.

“Let’s talk about it later. Can we go home?”

Neteyam wanted to know that second but he what he wanted much more was to hold you. He did just that. You accepted the embrace, holding him tightly, and held hands on the way back home.

You didn’t find anything wrong with Neteyam defending you that day. You still don’t because if Neteyam hadn’t stepped in the events that could have transpired would haunt you at night. Maybe after that day the both of you had changed. The days had begun to bleed together when everything started to be the same. He had you with him from morning to night when didn’t have to fulfill his duties, he was twice as affectionate if that was even possible to begin with, and even if you were with your parents or Kiri you could feel him watching.

But you always saw Neteyam as your safety net, he was your protector. You begun to do whatever you could to please him. Ignoring the red flags that were visible to everyone else in the process. To you, Neteyam did no wrong, but who could blame you? You had fallen deep into his world, his eyes, his voice, his love.

That was true love wasn’t it? You give your entirety to him and he gives himself to you. Two people belonging to each other, breathing for one another.

On your ride with Ora, there was no denying how far gone you were. You have become to dependent on him and vice versa. Some time apart would be best, but you don’t think either of you would last. The idea of you being the one to hurt him, his heart, was something you couldn’t fathom. But when you get back you would have to come to an agreement with him. No more threats and violence.

Honestly, there were plenty of things still bothering you. If he was so enamored with anger why didn’t he come to you? Talk to you about it? Why didn’t Lo’ak tell you about his hidden concerns and feelings? You thought to yourself that you would have been understanding, but another thought popped up. Would you have been? Or would you have thought Lo’ak was crazy? That Neteyam was not capable of such things. You must have missed the warning signs. You thought a person couldn’t just act in ways Lo’ak described without it being built up inside.

You frowned to yourself. Was there another side of Neteyam that you couldn’t see? It stung your heart to think of him that way, but the idea formed never left your mind.

When you descended from the sky, Neteyam was there waiting. You must have been gone for hours. He continued to wait as you busied yourself with Ora before sending her off. You looked back to the sky and saw Eclipse was nearing. You still didn’t know what to say. You knew that you didn’t want to leave him, but how were you going to tell him something that could possibly upset him. You didn’t want to do that either.

Neteyam stood before you, his voice deep, “You’ll still be with me, right? You’ve been gone for so long.”

“Yes, I had to think about everything. Us.”

“Was it ever that serious though? To have to rethink us…me?”

His previous sullenness was wiped away, something unreadable taking place. You showed a displeased expression.

“I take your hostile words and actions very seriously, Neteyam. I don’t want you to feel that way on my behalf anymore. I just want you to talk to me when you feel angry. You should have come to me with what has been bothering you, not taking it out on others and making more people hurt and upset.”

Neteyam felt a flicker of irritation. He pursed his lips together as if he ate something distasteful.

“That’s hard to do when everyone in this fucking clan is out to destroy us! Tear you away! Why do you think Lo’ak started that fight? He wanted to put those thoughts in your head to make you question me…hate me.”

You were beyond bewildered. What was he talking about?

“No one is out to destroy us. What makes you think that?”

He looked at you like you were the one spewing nonsense. He shook his head, “How can you not see? Everyone glares at us! I can hear them whispering all around. Especially that fucker Raziel…I had to do something about him. Even my own brother has betrayed me.”

Frustration of your own was kicking in.

“Well, maybe they wouldn’t be like that if you didn’t go around threatening people! That’s the reason why. Kids look up to you, adults respect you, what are they supposed to think when you’re acting like that?”

“What?”

Neteyam scoffed, his tone dark.

“I’m serious. I hate seeing you like this.”

He stepped back as if you slapped him. His aura was like a dark cloud. His eyes cold as they stared into yours.

“You hate me then, don’t you? You don’t love me…if you loved me then you would agree. You would console me, you wouldn’t be arguing with me.”

“Of course, I love you, Neteyam. This just isn’t making any sense to me.”

The main thing that hurt the most was him questioning your love. If anything your deep affection should be so clear. You love him so that’s why you’re having this argument. To try and understand the cause. How can he say that you two shouldn’t be fighting. If you had just dismissed this whole thing then it would have been a massive weight within your mind. A never ending thought that would have consumed you day and night.

Neteyam towered over, “Well, it makes perfect sense to me…I can’t believe this. See? We can’t be doing this,” he displayed his hands out, gesturing to you and him, “This fighting…it’s not right.”

You squinted, disagreement on the tip of your tongue, “Couples fight, Neteyam. Do you just expect me to be quiet and obedient for you? Be a thoughtless servant just for you?”

“Yes.”

Stunned, you chose to stare at his chest. You wondered if this was his true self. Behind the layers of his  kindness, heroic nature, and warmth, was a blazing fire of a dark desire. It burned you. He burned you.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can be that for you. I won’t.”

You wanted to walk off; go anywhere but near him. Neteyam started to panic. He couldn’t help but say what was his truth and the amount of hurt radiating from you was too much. He wrapped himself around you, his hand caressing your hair.

“I- you just mean everything to me, baby. I meant it…in a way that I can’t imagine a life without you. I just don’t want you to give up on me.”

You couldn’t see his face but his voice was wavering and you thought he was starting to cry. A headache was beginning to surface. Is this what people called a one-eighty? He was so angry and now he’s crying on your shoulder. Admittedly, hearing his words made you feel better. He didn’t mean it. He just wanted all of you. The optimist in you outweighed the pessimist and you hoped that this was just a storm passing through.

You held onto that hope as you said, “I won’t give up on you, okay? Can we talk tomorrow? It’s late.”

Neteyam detached himself from you. His eyes were dry, like he didn’t shed even one tear. You pushed the observation away for now. The want to go home on the front of your mind. You tip toed and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek to catch him off guard as you scurried off.

After you greeted your parents and sat emptily to their scolding for coming home past eclipse, you laid awake.

Was he faking it? Did he put on a show for your forgiveness? Sleep didn’t come to give you rest that night.

The continuation of the previous night’s talk didn’t happen. You tried to bring it up, but Neteyam either turned a blind eye or said, “Not now.”

Two weeks passed and they all consisted of not now’s. Neteyam dropped it entirely and you gave up when you realized that meant you had to drop it too.

Since the night of the incident between Neteyam and Lo’ak, your relationship with the Sully family shifted. It was at a point now where you felt ashamed, like it was your fault for this sudden crack in his family’s dynamic. Kiri had been distant with her brother, choosing to exchange words when it was necessary. The rift between the two brothers was growing each day that passed and a swarm of guilt fluttered within you.

To add gasoline onto your burning shame, you have been distant with them as well. It’s been weeks since you had a conversation with Kiri that wasn’t an awkward exchange of greetings and you have barely seen Tuk since she’s been training for her rites. But now, you found yourself alone with Lo’ak.

The normal routine was back the day after your argument with Neteyam. That routine being him carrying out his duties alongside his father and you busing yourself with Mo’at tasks. You had been left alone in her hut before the youngest Sully son sauntered over. Nothing was said, he merely watched you work.

Of course, you felt his watchful eyes and tried not to make your nervousness known. You avoided glancing at his face and the healing scar above his eye.

The never ending guilt harboring inside yourself felt like a heavy mass. You’ve been meaning to talk to Lo’ak, ask him how he’s been, but you failed at having the courage. Seeing him and having his presence alongside yours forced the words out.

“How are you? Are you fully healed?”

Your hands were grinding herbs, a seemingly automatic movement you’ve mastered by now, but your attention was solely focused on him. Lo’ak previously had been staring at the array of wooden bowls scattered on the floor, memorizing their contents to not make his sudden appearance as awkward as it was.

He lifted his head at your voice, “I’m fine, but as you can see,” he ran his fingers over the scar, “I have something to remember it all by.”

You shut your eyes, pained at the memory of that night.

“I’m so sorry, Lo’ak. I wish it never happened.”

He said your name, his voice sounding distressed. Lo’ak looked sick which then turned into something urgent. His ear twitched.

“Please, don’t take offense to this…but you shouldn’t be so nice,” he shook his head, “No, that doesn’t sound right. I mean, you’re too merciful when it comes to Neteyam. You’re too forgiving for your own good. Here you are giving me a more sincere apology than Neteyam over something that isn’t your fault…I thought after everything you’d see…”

He spoke his last sentence softy. Everything seemed clearer to him now.

“I would see what?” You said. Lo’ak bit his lower lip, anxious.

“Don’t you see that Neteyam is different? He’s not the same.”

“You mean his anger issues? I know it’s a problem, but with a little help-”

He cut you off, “Not just his anger…” Lo’ak said your name softly like he was tasked with delivering upsetting news, “I’ve never been serious with someone like you and Neteyam, but I do know right from wrong. The way he just throws commands at you, controls what you do or who you speak to, even the way he keeps tabs on you at all times. Don’t get me started on how he is at home…you know, Kiri made so many plans with you, she was so excited. But every time Neteyam shut her down. Saying how she would put you in danger or he doesn’t like you being away without him knowing. It’s like he doesn’t trust you. It’s wrong.”

Maybe at the start of your budding romance you would have defended Neteyam, hissed or fought with Lo’ak. But things are different, so different, and you take in all his words to heart. You did notice the change to his overbearing, possessive even, behavior and it made you feel naive to only notice it after something bad happened. But to keep you from Kiri? You’re only friend? You felt betrayed. Lo’ak had a point. Neteyam didn’t trust you. It made you feel sick.

“Lo’ak…I tried to convince him that we need a break but he wouldn’t hear it. All we do is argue and I’m just so confused all the time. He makes me confused.”

You placed the forgotten bowl of herbs in your hands onto the ground. Defeat covered every inch of you. Lo’ak let the space fill with silence. He didn’t know how to help you. His brother beat him up before and he didn’t want to do something that caused history to repeat itself. You, on the other hand, took this as a chance to finally confide in someone.

“I love him…or maybe I love him because the Neteyam I fell in love with has to still be a part of him, right? There’s been times when I thought he put on a front. He said and did things that made me feel so guilty, like it was always my fault he lashed out. I was trapped and the only way out was to cave. But there was something so eerily empty in his eyes. They didn’t captivate me anymore but instead made me question his every move, his intentions.”

Your chest felt heavy and you didn’t know if you had the strength to carry the weight. The increase in speed of your pounding heart put your mind into disarray.

“He won’t let me go, ever.”

Lo’ak opened his mouth but the clan abruptly erupted in chaos. People leaving their huts at the noise and jogging past caused Lo’ak and yourself to follow. A large circle was formed and for a second you could catch nothing, only the sound of a woman wailing. Her cries guttural and full of pain rattled you to your core. Your unease grew when clan members from the inner circle began pushing their way out. Some were crying and others had hands clasped over their mouths like they were going to hurl. Curious and worried people dropped the crowd incessantly, running away.

You understood why when you saw it.

Raziel laid in his mother’s arms. Lifeless. The only reason for your assurance on his death being the ripped pieces of his chest and stomach. His insides spewed out and the amount of dark blood everywhere.You stood planted and stared at his mangled body for what felt like eternity. The last thing you saw before turning around was his hand and the empty spots where his fingers should be.

You stare at the ground ahead of you, barely noticing the embrace of Lo’ak. He hurriedly lead the both of you away. The voice of his father trying to comfort the weeping woman in the distance.

Raziel…you didn’t like him one bit but no one deserved to die like that. Upon first glance anyone would assume it was an animal attack, but your gut told you otherwise.

The cuts above his chest were too small, straight, and thin to be claw marks. And his hand…you’ve seen Mo’at tend to a few clan members who barely survived animal attacks and you had a gist of what a bitten off finger could look like. Raziel’s hand looked nothing like that, the cuts were too clean.

You peered into Lo’ak’s eyes and without words he understood.

“He couldn’t be capable of this. He can’t be.”

“Your father is here,” you looked over Lo’ak’s shoulder at the Olo’eyktan, “So where is Neteyam.”

Lo’ak moved his head around the clan searching intensely. While he was distracted, you ran off. You ventured until you were at the furthest corner of the open space just outside the cave’s opening. No one was nearby. It felt strange seeing the outskirts of the cave so empty, especially at this time of day, but the echoing of shouts and crying felt more uncanny.

You called for Ora. Her usually instant arrival was replaced by nothing. The sky was clear of your beloved Ikran. You called three more times. Eyes searching the horizon for any sign of her but you were met with not a single thing, not even a screech from afar. Your gut twisted and your body shook as unwelcome nerves overtook you.

There were overgrown vines alongside the mountain and for the first time you were grateful the clan moved to a cavity closer to the ground. You wasted no time grabbing onto the vines and descending.

When you hit the ground, you traveled into the forest. You weren’t sure what you were doing. This was insane. You knew you were looking for Neteyam, if he was even out here, but you weren’t ready to know what you would find. There was no plan in your head, but your body kept moving. You halted when you found yourself near the lake.

You saw Neteyam before he could see you. You crouched and walked through the trees, trying to get a better view. You only saw the top of his head since he was blocked by the lush greenery. When you hid half your body behind a large tree trunk, you saw his entirety.

He was standing in the water. The once serene shade of blue turned red. Neteyam was cleaning himself of blood. You didn’t know how long he’s been grabbing handfuls of water to wash his dirtied skin, but you could see that the upper part of his body was still covered in splatters of the red substance. Your hand covered your mouth at the sight. It raveled into shed tears and swallowed down cries. Raziel…his mother, father, the clan. Nobody had gotten close to being with Eywa in years.

The amount of mourning to come because of your love, your Neteyam…being in love never hurt so much.

The once clear skies became covered with stormy clouds. The rain that fell onto your face blended well with your tears, but you kept your gaze strong ahead.

The blood and water mixed like two colors on a canvas, and Neteyam was the painter. He did it. There’s no other explanation for him to be washing off this much blood.

Neteyam killed him.

The sudden urge to get away quickly without him noticing made you take one last glance then you turned around. Your legs ached as you were still crouched and heading deeper into the forest. You must have been so clouded with pain and betrayal you stopped worrying about making a sound, a silent escape.

Neteyam whipped his head towards the trees at the sound of a twig snapping. He waded out of the water slowly. He was trained at hunting, it’s his specialty. He knew how to move through the forest unseen and unheard. His movement halted when he saw you standing.

You couldn’t go on with the cramp building in your leg. A simple mistake due to the need for rest that you now had to pay.

Neteyam spoke your name. It was like a gun shot signaling a race to start. You ran.

***

Eclipse had fallen by the time you made it deep into the forest and the downpour of rain had caused you to lose your footing twice. You haven’t run this amount in a while. So, you tracked further until you could no longer take it. You found a low leaf of a tree and hid behind it to catch your breath.

You were not sure how long you’ve been resting but your ears twitched the second you heard slow steps crunching on the ground. You pressed your back into the bark of the tree when he called your name again.

“Don’t hide from me. I don’t like it.”

You closed your eyes and prayed to Eywa that he would tread past you. You should have known better though. Neteyam is a skilled warrior, a hunter. It was incredibly still and quiet as you exhaled slowly to not make your presence known.

Eywa didn’t answer your prayer.

His hand gripped your arm and pulled you to your feet. He took your chin in his hand, tilting your head upwards.

Neteyam didn’t like playing games like this. He tightened his grip, “You’ve been a bad girl…I told you not to come out here by yourself. Why are you here?”

His hand dug so hard into your skin that you couldn’t be released no matter how hard you tried.

“Neteyam, please, let go of me!”

His eyes hardened and narrowed into slits. He had a tiring day and finding you in the forest made it worse. He watched you wander down to his chest. Your own eyes widening at the remnants of now dried blood. Neteyam smirked at the realization.

“Did the clan find my present? Is that why you’re here, to thank me?”

You let the hidden back sobs free. “Why? How could you do something so horrible?!”

“Is defending your honor horrible? He put his filthy fucking hands on you. He wanted you. Raziel would have always been filthy. All I did was a little cleaning.”

You tasted bile in the back of your throat, but dismissed it as you uttered, “I don’t know who you are. You aren’t the man I grew to love. I don’t want anything with you anymore.”

Neteyam laughed, “That will be hard once we’re mated.”

“We will never be mated. It isn’t even a possibility because when your father and the rest of the clan find out about what you did-”

“They won’t though. I may have made a few mistakes, I mean I was blinded by rage, but I have killed countless animals. The clan, and my father, will think of it as only a tragic animal attack. It’s happened before and will likely again.”

Neteyam gently raised his hand to the back of your head, fingers weaving through the depth of your hair. He gripped tightly and pulled. You shouted in pain and looked at him through hooded eyes due to the angle your head was now at.

He closed the space between you with his body against yours, “Besides, there’s no point in you betraying me. No one would believe you. I will always be a perfect son in my parent’s eyes.”

Neteyam loosened his tight grip. His hand cupped your face instead, “And I can’t have the people think my mate is crazy. That is what they’d call you, but we can’t have that.”

The longer you stared at him you knew everything was gone. His eyes that made you feel seen, his words that filled you with joy and complete adoration were now a distant memory. You had grown exhausted throughout this relationship. All the fighting, feeling confused, putting Neteyam’s feelings before your own, and letting all your life’s goals and wishes be crushed down to a mere daydream to keep him happy. It wasn’t worth it anymore. Lo’ak was right. This isn’t what love is supposed to be.

You pushed his hand off and for good measure you shoved him by the chest. “If I have to live my life holding this dreadful secret to myself, then fine. But I’ll do it alone. I’m done.”

Neteyam was offended. He looked at your hands with dislike. His own clenched, nails digging painfully into his skin. How dare you push him away? After all he’s done for you?

“You always have to defy me. Everything I do is for you! But how do you repay me? By starting useless arguments and doubting me. Stop letting other people convince you I’m not good for you. I know you don���t mean it.”

Neteyam towered over you, you’re back harshly hitting the bark of a tree. His tone deep and sinister as he said, “If you ever think of leaving me…think about the disappointment of my parents. I will be the leader of this clan and you are expected to birth my children. They will be heartbroken to see me, their son, without a mate.”

He raised an arm and rested his palm against the bark near your head. He bent down to meet your eyes, “ You’d break Kiri’s heart as well. You’re her only friend. Do you want to see her so alone? Not only would my parents be displeased, but your parents…they would disown you. Their only child in love with the future Olo’eyktan only to break his heart. They would never look at you the same. You would let down your family? Over all this? You would be forgotten. You would never find someone who would give you his entire life and being to you. Not as much as me.”

Neteyam wiped away the never ending tears escaping you, “Stop crying. All our problems are gone now, baby.”

He smiled and his lips met yours. To him it was a passionate kiss. He didn’t mind the feeling of your tears falling onto his face. You felt empty, like Neteyam drained you of everything. You had no more power to fight back, no more strength to go against him anymore. You had become a puppet. The strings that held you up were no match to him. Neteyam held them firmly in his hands and had all the control.

His lips pressed deeper into yours, his other hand grabbing your lower back. When he parted he brushed away more tears.

“Let’s go home.”

Neteyam truly had given you his entirety. Of course, the fact that you weren’t as obedient as he wanted bothered him constantly. But his anger towards you never lasted long.

He woke up that day feeling much clearer than he ever was. The outside forces trying to break through the barriers of your relationship had to be put to an end.

When he climbed up to the part of the mountains where the Ikran’s rested and gave Ora to Ewya or when he got on top of Raziel and ignored his pleas as he ended his life…Neteyam only had one thought in mind.

This is love.

End.

A/N: tbh I wrote most of this with days in between so I’m not sure if it makes any sense at all :) but thank you for reading nonetheless! So sad he killed Ora like how rude.

[jaehyunspeachparty]

Hi, I don’t know if anyone remembers my story. Lately, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and wrote my thoughts down. That’s why I wrote something down and somehow it got longer and longer. Maybe some want to read it. I hope you’re all doing well ❤ ____________________________________________________________

Chuseok with the Jung's (a sight into the future) “Miga Jung has once again been nominated for Best Actress,” blared the TV. “I don’t think she’ll win it again this year,” said one of the hosts. “Do you think so?” came the immediate counter-question. “Lately, she’s been giving off more influencer vibes. I can’t take her seriously as an actress anymore.” Miga sighed and finally looked up at the TV. She had been sorting gifts for her family and just wanted something on in the background. But suddenly, the TV turned off, and she heard the remote control drop onto the cold stone surface of the kitchen counter. “Silence is nice too,” she heard her boyfriend's voice as she felt his soft lips on her shoulders. “He’s kind of right,” she sighed, turning around. Hyunjin stood in front of her, gazing at her with his dark eyes. He was about to disagree, but then the doorbell rang. Miga gave him a quick kiss before pulling away to open the door. “Hi, Gomo!” A little girl stood on the doorstep. Miga beamed as she saw her young niece. She was incredibly proud of her and often had her over. “Hello, Naomi, you look so pretty today.” The little girl began to giggle. “I’ve got everything.” By now, Hyunjin had packed all the gifts and the pre-cooked food. Sunoh and Chichi stood behind their eldest daughter, also ready to go. The special thing was that Chichi had just given birth to another daughter, named Rei, only three weeks ago. Rei was snugly wrapped in a cloth against her mother. Together, they were heading to their parents’ house to celebrate Chuseok. “No rush, Kiwoo and Dad haven’t even left yet,” said Sunoh, noticing his best friend looked a bit nervous. “I don’t think Hyunjin is worried about the time,” Miga winked at her boyfriend and lifted Naomi into her arms. “Are you still scared of Dad?” Sunoh laughed, and together they made their way to the elevator. Since they all lived in the same building, it was easier to leave together. “Scared is an understatement.” Hyunjin raised his eyebrows but stayed quiet. “Dad only has a problem with the fact that, according to the company, we’re not supposed to be together. I’m sure he respects you as a person,” Miga said as the elevator arrived and the family stepped in. “I’m not so sure,” Hyunjin said quietly, but no one heard him.

Kiwoo bent over the girl and kissed her. His hands were all over her body. "I like your underwear," he breathed while removing them. "This is my Chuseok gift for you," she breathed, showing off the red bra she bought especially for him. But Kiwoo stopped and looked at the girl with wide eyes. "What?" she asked with an uncertain laugh. "Whats the time?" he asked horrified and broke away from the girl. She looked a little hurt and pulled her dress back up. "11am", she said hesitantly and looked at him. He put his shirt back on and tried to fix himself up as best as he could, making sure nothing was noticeable. He glanced at his phone and saw all the missed calls from his father. “Shit, I’m in trouble,” he cursed. It was a habit he needed to break—his manager was always on him about cursing too much. “Kiwoo,” he suddenly heard, and the voice didn’t sound friendly. He squinted his eyes and slowly turned around. “Where were you?” Jaehyun stood in front of him, looking at his son. “Uh… I was still training. Sorry, Dad. I lost track of time.” Kiwoo lowered his head and looked at the ground, guilt evident in his posture. Jaehyun wasn’t entirely convinced. His son often had trouble on his mind, but at the same time, he was incredibly charismatic. He’d caused plenty of trouble, but even the top boss at SM always forgave him. “Do you have anything else with you?” Jaehyun asked, noticing Kiwoo was only wearing sweaty workout clothes. “I… can’t this work?” Kiwoo knew exactly how charismatic he was, and he smiled with a wink. But that didn’t always work with his father. “You know your mother expects you to dress properly,” Jaehyun crossed his arms. He was a bit annoyed with his son. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve got something with me.” “Hurry up. Your siblings are already on their way,” Jaehyun sighed and shook his head. They were definitely going to be the last to arrive.

Geon sat at the table, continuing to study, while you prepared the food for the day. Your son had been studying diligently for weeks, deeply buried in his books. His beautiful hair had been shaved off since he had been in the military. But since then, he had changed and withdrawn more and more. You hoped that the holidays would help him relax a bit again. Something had happened to Geon in the military, and you didn’t like it at all. “Here, some vitamins.” You set a plate of sliced fruit in front of him and gently stroked his shoulder. But in that moment, Geon flinched briefly, until he realized it was only his mother standing next to him. “Thanks, Mum,” he said, adjusting his glasses. In that moment, you felt tears welling up. Something was going on inside your son, but you couldn’t help him. He was so different from your other children. Geon had always been introverted. His twin brother, Kiwoo, was more prone to trouble, and ever since certain hormones started surging through his body, you had to keep an eye on him so he wouldn’t constantly end up in some girl’s pants. A few times, he received a “gift” from a father or you had to bail him out of tricky situations. 

As you continued cooking for the next few minutes, Geon kept studying, but soon you heard the door open. “Go on ahead to Grandma,” you heard Sunoh’s voice, and it still sent chills down your spine when you heard the word "Grandma." “Grandma!” You suddenly saw a black-haired figure slowly making their way into the kitchen. “Naomi, it’s so nice to see you!” You hugged your granddaughter and gave her a kiss on the forehead. You never thought you and Jaehyun would become grandparents so soon, but Sunoh and Chichi were quick. “Mum!” Miga entered with Hyunjin following shyly behind her. You hugged your daughter. Even though you saw each other regularly, it was always nice to see her. Over time, you had developed a really beautiful, friendly relationship, and you were thankful for that every day. You also really liked her boyfriend—you thought he was perfect for her, even if Jaehyun didn’t agree. But after what you learned about Jaemin (which Jaehyun didn’t know), you were glad she had someone kind and caring by her side. “Hyunjin, it’s great to have you here.” You hugged him and noticed the relief in his face that at least one of his girlfriend’s parents accepted him. “Thank you for letting me join the celebration.” He bowed politely, but you gently straightened him up. “You’re part of the family here. We’re happy to have you. Take a seat.” You smiled, and somehow, having everyone back in the house made you feel happy. The house had lost a bit of its liveliness since all the kids moved out. “Oh my God, who’s that coming?” You didn’t even get the chance to greet Chichi and Sunoh properly before you were already taking little Rei out of their hands. “Ahhhh, she smells so good,” you said, pressing the newborn girl to you. It was so nice to have a baby in your arms again. “Yeah, Mum, we’re here too,” Sunoh said, rolling his eyes with a smile. “Sorry, ever since you’ve been bringing such sweet babies, I can’t help it.” You kissed little Rei on the forehead. By now, Miga was already by her younger brother Geon, hugging him. “I miss your hair,” Miga said, gently stroking her little brother’s head. Sunoh crossed his arms and looked a bit concerned at Geon. “Basic training is over. Can’t you let your hair grow out?” “Yeah… no… not for me…” Geon couldn’t bring himself to meet his brother’s eyes. Sunoh had already been through the military; he had some idea of what was going on. “You should stop working out so much. What’s going on with your arms?” You pinched your son’s bicep. You knew he liked working out, but he had gained a lot of muscle mass by now. “Mum…” Somehow, they all reverted back to being little kids, shyly rolling their eyes. You kind of liked that. You turned to Chichi, still holding little Rei in your arms. “Is he taking good care of you? You’ve just had a baby. You need to sit down.” Chichi was still like a daughter to you; that had never changed. And now that she was officially part of the family, you felt even more connected to her. “Yes, he takes care of me and he is training during his breaks at the studio. And Sunoh spoils me. I get plenty of rest, and Miga helps a lot with Naomi,” Chichi said with her usual gentle and empathetic smile. “I’m relieved that you all live in the same building. Kiwoo will probably stay in the dorms longer, but Geon, maybe we’ll look for an apartment for you nearby when you start university. It’s too far from the house.” “Oh yes, that would be great.” Miga hugged Geon, who flinched again. Sunoh looked at you with concern, and you realized that it wasn’t just you who was worried anymore.

An hour later, the last two men finally arrived. “The King is here,” Kiwoo announced as he strutted confidently and cheekily into the room, as usual. “If the King was ever on time, we’d have been here much earlier,” Jaehyun said, following him in and giving you a kiss as a greeting. He then greeted everyone else, but gave Hyunjin only a cold handshake. Miga’s boyfriend immediately felt uneasy again. Sunoh quickly noticed the tension and stepped in. “Mum, is it alright if we head to the living room, or do you need any help?” “All good. Make yourselves comfortable, and I’ll call if I need anything.” You handed Rei back to her parents and headed to the kitchen with Jaehyun, while the kids and their partners disappeared into the living room. “Wow, Dad still isn’t warming up to you,” Kiwoo said, patting Hyunjin on the shoulder. Miga looked anxiously at her boyfriend and took his hand. “He has to accept it,” Sunoh muttered, shaking his head. He couldn’t understand his father’s attitude in this matter at all. The group settled down. Sunoh got out the toys for Naomi while Chichi nursed Rei. Miga lay with Hyunjin on the couch, and the twins made themselves comfortable beside each other. “We’re far too rarely together like this,” Geon said with a sigh. Something was up with him; everyone could feel it. He had changed—the breakup before the military and then the military itself had taken a toll.

The afternoon was spent relaxing as everyone enjoyed their family time. Meanwhile, you had been busy cooking the entire meal and were happy to do so. “Hyunjin...” Jaehyun hadn’t said much that evening, so everyone was surprised when he suddenly addressed Miga’s boyfriend. “Yes...” Hyunjin replied quietly. “You’ve learned a lot from me, haven’t you?” Jaehyun asked, still not looking directly at him. “Yes...” Hyunjin said cautiously. Miga looked at you in panic, but you weren’t sure where your husband was going with this. “I’ve given you everything. Showed you everything. And in return, you break the rules?” Jaehyun finally looked Hyunjin directly in the eyes, making him freeze in place. “Come on, who cares?” Sunoh interjected, putting down his utensils. “The company forbade it,” Jaehyun hissed. “Dad, you know that’s bullshit,” Sunoh said, crossing his arms. “Sunoh, this is also about the reputation of our family.” “If our relationship is exposed, it’ll only affect Hyunjin. Dad, he’s the one taking the biggest risk in our relationship.” Miga reluctantly stood up to her father, but for her, this was a line she wouldn’t let him cross. Silence fell over the table; no one said a word. “How long has this been going on between you two?” Jaehyun asked, looking directly at Hyunjin. Hyunjin hesitated, unsure, and glanced at Miga, but he had to face the truth. “Since Sunoh moved into the apartment.” It was during the housewarming party, after Miga and Hyunjin’s official breakup (as mandated by SM), that they had rekindled their relationship. Jaehyun suddenly stood up, knocking over his chair in the process. This startled Geon so much that his heart rate spiked. He mumbled something to himself and jumped up, his eyes vacant as if he wasn’t really there anymore. Geon bolted out of the room, and Kiwoo quickly followed. “Jaehyun, that’s enough.” You stood up and tried to calm your husband. You hadn’t seen him this upset in a long time. “You knew, didn’t you?” He looked at you, disappointment written all over his face. “I think I should leave,” Hyunjin said, standing up. Jaehyun didn’t even look at him, seeming almost pleased that Hyunjin was about to go. But Miga followed her boyfriend. “Jaehyun, what are you doing?” You walked up to him, unable to comprehend what had gotten into your husband. “I just hate it when someone comes into our home without respect.” Jaehyun remained stubborn, still seething. “Hyunjin is very respectful. Oh my god, Jaehyun, you constantly had to break rules in our relationship back in the day.” You tried to remind him of their own past, hoping to bring him back to his senses. “Dad, do you remember when Hyunjin and Miga had to break up?” It had been a dark time for the family. When the two had been forced to separate, Miga’s world collapsed. She stopped going out, refused to eat, and eventually ended up hospitalized due to her emotional and physical collapse. “I don’t know why the company is so strict about Miga and Hyunjin. Maybe it’s because there are a few creeps in there, but you know that’s not normal.” Sunoh tried to talk sense into his father, and to your surprise, it seemed to be working. Jaehyun’s pulse slowed, and he began to realize what he was doing. “I... I...” Jaehyun couldn’t think clearly anymore. He left the conversation and retreated to his office.

“I’ll go. I don’t want to ruin your holiday,” Hyunjin said, grabbing his bag and placing it on the bed. “If you go, I’ll go too,” Miga said, standing beside him and looking at him firmly. Hyunjin knew she would say that. He turned to her and gently took hold of her forearms. “Hyunjin... I want to be with you.” Tears welled up in Miga’s eyes. If there was one thing Miga could do, it was love passionately. If anyone thought she had given a lot in her relationship with Jaemin, they hadn’t seen her with Hyunjin. She would fight for his love every second of the day. Their relationship was far from easy, but she loved him so much she couldn’t imagine her life without him anymore. “Miga...” he said softly, taking her face in his hands and resting his forehead against hers. He couldn’t explain how deeply he felt for her. With this relationship, he was risking everything—his idol career, his entire existence. Just then, the door opened, and Sunoh walked in. He saw the bag on the bed and looked shocked at his best friend. “You’re not leaving,” he said, startled. Hyunjin turned back to his bag. “I think it’s for the best…” “Miga, can you go check on Chichi? She’s alone with Naomi and Rei right now.” Sunoh knew Miga would understand; after all, Sunoh and Hyunjin had been best friends for years. "Dad is an idiot, but don't leave." Sunoh looked at him seriously, trying to reassure him. "I can't lose Miga again. I'm constantly afraid of messing everything up. My career, the money—it doesn't matter to me. But I don't want to give up on Miga." Hyunjin turned back to his bag, continuing to pack. Sunoh wasn't going to let this slide. He walked to the other side of the bed and sat down. "Hyunjin, tell me what really happened. We've known each other for so long." Sunoh's expression softened with concern. Hyunjin felt ashamed of the story, only Miga knew the full truth. But now it was time to let his best friend in. He pushed the bag aside and sat on the bed, taking a deep breath. "I grew up really poor. My mother and little sister died in a car accident. My father still blames me for it. I got into trouble at school that day, and she had to pick me up. Afterward, he started drinking, and he lost his job. To help us survive, I started working at a small fish restaurant, where I got discovered and started with the idol training. My dad borrowed money from the company. I was too young to understand what was happening. Now, I have to pay off all that debt. When the company found out about me and Miga, they threatened to fire me and demanded I pay everything back immediately. Miga couldn’t handle the pressure, so we broke up… That’s the short version." Hyunjin took a moment, the weight of his words settling between them. "Shit, man! That's rough." Sunoh nodded, finally piecing things together. Everything made sense now. "So far, only Miga knows. We even visited my father together once. She’d never want to cause me more trouble with my debt. That’s why we've always kept our relationship a secret." "You’re not going through this alone," Sunoh promised, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Thanks, but I have to handle this myself." Hyunjin sighed, straightening up again. "Just stay another night, okay? See how things go. Do it for Miga. This weekend means a lot to her." Sunoh looked at him seriously, and after a moment, Hyunjin nodded without saying anything.

Later that evening, Miga and Hyunjin sat together in the garden by the natural pool, gazing at the water. Miga was relieved Hyunjin had decided to stay, even though she sensed the strange tension. Suddenly, Jaehyun appeared behind them, standing over Miga with a serious look. "Can I talk to Hyunjin for a moment?" Miga wasn't sure if that was a good idea. Hyunjin shot her a panicked glance. "Don’t worry, I just want to talk," Jaehyun said calmly. Miga hesitated but then stood up, giving Hyunjin a reassuring look before walking away. Hyunjin watched as her father sat down beside him, unsure of what was to come. "It wasn’t right of me to confront you like that at the table," Jaehyun said, his eyes fixed on the shimmering water. The garden lights reflected off the surface, casting a soft glow. "I've always seen so much potential in you, from the very beginning. You didn’t have much experience, but you had a lot of talent..." Jaehyun shifted his gaze to his fingers, clearly struggling with the admission. A confession like this required a lot of humility. "When you became the main dancer, I was proud. Finally, people could see what I had seen all along—the talent you had. You’ve developed more than anyone else, and you had the most ambition. I always admired that." Jaehyun placed his hands on the grass and leaned his head back. Hyunjin was caught off guard by Jaehyun’s words. He never thought Jaehyun saw him in such a positive light. "I quickly noticed how you looked at my daughter. How you couldn’t take your eyes off her..." Jaehyun paused. "If I can see something in you, why wouldn’t my daughter see the same?" He sat up straighter, turning to face Hyunjin. "I’m scared that Miga will go through the pain her mother went through. You’re part of one of the most successful groups of this generation. You’re one of the most handsome idols out there. I won’t even start with the fans, but trainees and even idols will do anything to be close to you. Miga loves you. She loves deeply, and just the thought of you breaking her heart makes me lose control." "I won’t break her heart... I love her more than anything," Hyunjin said, looking at Jaehyun with his dark, earnest eyes. "Right now, I’m the one breaking her heart." Jaehyun sighed as he stood up, adjusting his clothes. "I won’t say anything. You’re welcome here, but if you break her heart, I’ll become your biggest problem." He gave Hyunjin a pointed look. Hyunjin nodded in understanding. "Thank you," Hyunjin said quietly, and Jaehyun nodded before walking back to the house. Hyunjin watched him enter, where he saw you greet Jaehyun with a warm hug. Miga had already returned by that point and sat down beside Hyunjin, clearly worried. "And? How did it go?" She bit her lower lip and took a deep breath. Hyunjin looked at her, still in disbelief at how fortunate he was. Jaehyun’s biggest fear was that Hyunjin would ever show interest in another girl, but Hyunjin couldn’t even imagine that. Ever since he had met Miga, she was the only one on his mind. To him, she was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. "It went well. I understand your father’s concerns now," Hyunjin said with a soft smile. "Really?" Miga seemed genuinely surprised. "Your father used to be an idol, and he knows the risks. Your parents had their struggles, and he just doesn’t want you to go through the same thing." Hyunjin pulled Miga closer to him, resting her head against his chest. "You’re the only one who can make me happy," she whispered, placing her hand over his heart. Hyunjin was relieved to hear those words. For so long, he had felt like he was competing with Jaemin, but in the end, he had won Miga’s heart, and he never wanted to lose it.

[aziraphales-library]

Hello! Thank you for the countless times you've recommended my works, I appreciate it 🥹 I wondered if you have any short, fluffy oneshots with domestic husbands kissing. There can be smut, I'm indifferent. I just really want some domestic husbands kissing and being cute and adorable

Hi! We have lots of fics on our #fluff, #domestic fluff, and #kissing tags. Here are some short fics to add to the collections...

Home is just another word for you by Onomatopoetikon (G)

Crowley has never understood the human obsession with the concept of home. For millennia he has heard humans tell stories and sing songs of home – leaving it, finding it, building and returning to it – but he has never understood it. Not until he almost lost it.

The Quiet Moments by My_Dialect (G)

Aziraphale and Crowley spend a quiet afternoon together, enjoying each other's company and reflecting on their long history together.

Drunk (and not so drunk) Shenanigans by Fire_Traveller (T)

Since it's a rainy day, Aziraphale and Crowley find themselves stuck in the bookshop with nothing better to do than to get thoroughly sloshed and ramble on about nothing in particular. They will eventually sober up, though...and Aziraphale might just have another idea what to do to pass the time with each other... Things turn rather suggestive at the end, but there is no on-screen smut here - we'll leave that to the privacy of a certain angel and demon...

Baby, You Can Drive My Car by CopperBeech (T)

Avert the Apocalypse? Check. Move to the South Downs like respectable retirees? Check. Break a six-thousand-year habit of careful distancing? Not so fast. But Aziraphale does have one thing he'd like to check off. “Crowley, are you going to let me try this or not? You said you had nothing on today. We don’t live in London any more, the omnibus only runs three times a day and twice on Sundays, it’s completely unfair to expect you to ferry me everywhere. I just need to learn the basics. Once I’ve mastered them I’ll choose an automobile of my own. I wouldn’t presume to take the Bentley out any old time."

Just an ordinary day at last by 5ftjewishcactus (G)

Books, Food, and Crowley. Aziraphale's most favorite things. And he gets to spend an entire day enjoying all three. Just a normal day in a post-apocalypse world for an angel and his favorite demon.

to us, fortuni by enbymegumi (G)

Aziraphale feels himself start to sweat. He looks down at his rippling, steaming tea. “Crowley and I… we’re not actually married. We’re just friends… I think. Best friends. Partners.” There’s a long silence. It’s been a while since Aziraphale had sat through something so awkward. The last time had been when he’d dragged Crowley to see the film Sausage Party (2016) in theatres, only to find out that it was not, in fact, a deeply moving children’s cartoon about food. “Now, that can’t be true.” Madame Tracy’s voice is quiet. --- or: everything's always been so easy and comfortable between aziraphale and crowley. until aziraphale begins feeling the pressures of human standards and definitions of love... help comes from an unexpected quarter!

- Mod D