#i’ve been having a lot of trouble coping with health stuff

[devilsflowermantis]

i haven’t been very good at kicking back the suicidal thoughts lately :(

[chounaifu]

I’m really glad that those asks I sent out are being well-received. There’s still a few more that I need to write up, but, I’m pacing myself. :’)

Thoughts about my own current state beneath the cut, since my therapist always encourages me to open up to the people in my space. Some of it can be potentially triggering, so, please do not open if the discussion of trauma, stalking and abuse is harmful to you:

I’ve been vocal about the horrifying, traumatic stuff that caused me to leave the RPC in 2017, to a few of you before. Without going into deep detail, between the years of 2017-2021, I was trapped in an extremely, extremely abusive relationship with a member of the RPC who is no longer here, thank fuck. Because of my poor coping skills and extremely fragile mental health at the time, he managed to keep me in a social isolation until I finally left him in 2021. And I mean true social isolation; I wasn’t allowed to talk to anybody but him. (I literally had to lie and pretend like I was having internet troubles if I even wanted to open up another chat box on Discord to talk to somebody, because he would literally point out the amount of minutes it took for me to respond to him.) He tracked my location in real time with GPS. He controlled what I ate when we spent time together irl. He forced me to quit one of my jobs before, because he wasn’t pleased with how busy I was. Any free time I had, had to be given to him. I had no identity, no autonomy, no sense of self.

Since I left him in 2021, I’ve been in a long process of learning how to be a human being again, how to exist around multiple people, and how to monitor my energy levels. It’s been hard, and, there’s a lot of times where I have to learn that I am adapting to an entirely new way of life. I used to be able to write a lot of thread replies, ask replies, and drabbles in a short period of time, but, my brain just does not do that anymore. And it makes me sad, but, I know that my RP partners understand my situation.

I cannot emphasis how much going from *one* person to— well, a lot of good friends has been good for me, but also a difficult experience in itself, because I’m still fighting with my own hypersensitivity and paranoia.

Choosing to come back here was one of the scariest decisions I have ever made. And, even though I don’t vocalize it, I actively fight trauma responses every single time I open Tumblr— not because anybody is doing anything to me, but because the experience I went through was so deep.

That’s why I’ve been trying to take a minute to sit down, and send some nice words to everybody. You never know what somebody is going through. *Nobody* knew what I was going through, because I hid it so well— because I was forced to. We’re all human beings, on this rock, and we all chose to sit here and write, whether because it is a coping mechanism, something we’re passionate about, or because it’s simply fun. And I think that’s really, really beautiful.

I don’t think I’m ever going to be the same, energetic Rex that I once was. And I wish I could be. But that is okay.

So, for the people who welcomed me back, and remembered me: thank you for accepting my return, and accepting my apology.

And for the people who didn’t know me, who have become my friend lately: thank you for giving me a chance.

I’ve lost a lot of people, both friends and family, in the past decade or so. Nobody can fill those gaps, but, you guys make me feel a lot less lonely. Believe it or not, I don’t have many friends irl, and I really don’t know what I would be doing with myself right now if I hadn’t chosen to come back to Tumblr.

I wish there was more I could do to help uplift everybody who has been having a difficult time lately, I really, really do. But, at the end of the day, I cannot; what I can do, is point out that there’s at least *one* person out there who wants to see the best happen for you.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I just want to be a good person, despite of the horrible things I was called by my abuser, and I hope I am doing that.

[custerdthegreat]

Ok guys this is gonna be a bit of a vent so if you’re not into that you can click off now but…

A lot has been going on this month is why I haven’t been streaming as much, I’ve just been coping by playing Minecraft and smoking since my situation makes it so I don’t have a better option for help.

I’m so tired of this gastropersis shit every morning I wake up feel nauseous take my meds for it and I’m pretty sure my meds make me a little blocked up in the morning making them very hard and painful and having to eat all the time with an ED is so draining…

I’m tired of being surrounded by death this week, my uncle passed away and his wife passed a few months back now and one of my senior cats died and I was the one who laid him to rest in the backyard, my other senior has been injured and we thought he was gonna pass but after a lot of wet food (the vet had no openings) he seems to be doing better

I hate that in order togoing to my uncles funeral and seeing some of my family in Texas for probably the last time I was told I needed to dress like a girl and keep my lgbt/not conventional shit at home and the example for girl cloths and shit like sundresses.

I hate how the people in this house act, everyone feels two faced I can’t vent to anyone without it ending in the ears of people they’re not supposed to and getting in trouble for private conversation, I don’t understand how people can be actively wrong and some dumb shit then get mad at me for not being wrong? Like when my cousin bought ice cream put it in the main fridge didn’t label it got mad at us cause half of it got used for milkshakes and when we bought him a new thing of ice cream and got our self some he choose to eat our entire thing of ice cream out of spite. But I think the worst is the gaslighting telling me they didn’t fucking tell me I’d get disowned and possibly kicked out if I got the vaccine that would’ve prevented my gastropersis cause it’s caused from stuff like Covid and stuff. Or just straight up denying my medical stuff all the time.

I hate I can��t get help for things without hiding it or my family will bullying me into stopping the help it’s what happened with my therapy and mental health stuff and with some physical health stuff to.

I wish It felt realistic for me to get a job and help my partner with money but I’m always nauseous especially for the first few hours of the day and can very a lot , I feel my stomach all the time and I’m so tired all the time.

I hate that the job market is so bad and even after months and dozens of interviews my partner is still struggling to find something that will get back to him and I swear to god if someone saying that we’re just not trying hard enough stfu get off my page I have watched him spend hours almost every day applying to shit but because he doesn’t have his full license yet most places just don’t call back, I’m literally at a hiring event for him rn typing this.

I feel like such a loser rn, I can’t work, I feel like a expensive pet, nice to look at I guess but doesn’t serve much of a purpose and is like allergic to life of something other then that mostly just being a pain in the ass. I feel bad for smoking weed but I feel like it’s the only thing currently that keeps me from just ending it cause of all this shit.

I wish I had money for safe foods and none mint toothpaste so I can brush my teeth without worrying about it flaring up.

Anyways.. that’s all for now sorry for the vent just frustrated.

[pridepages]

Winterlude: This Winter

I just finished This Winter by Alice Oseman. I have thoughts...

Here there be spoilers!

Tis the festive season! In honor of December and the approaching holidays, I’ve decided to fit a couple of more titles fit for the spirit into these last weeks of the year. Although, as for many struggling queer people, not all of these stories are merry.

This Winter is a novella featuring the beloved cast of Heartstopper and Solitaire. Readers of either or both will recall that Charlie Spring’s mental health required him to spend time inpatient, and that he finally came home in December. But as This Winter reminds us: mental health treatment isn’t the end of the journey. It is at most an interlude. And one of the hardest tests comes after, when patients and their loved ones have to figure out: where do we go from here?

Winter is a quick read set entirely over the events of one day--Christmas--narrated from the views of all three Spring children: Tori, Charlie, and Oliver. Though the struggles have largely been Charlie’s, the split perspective allows the reader to understand how living and loving with mental illness doesn’t happen in a vacuum. All of the children have suffered in different ways, and all of them are desperate to find their way back to each other in their new reality.

Of all of them, Tori Spring is the one I feel for the most. All eyes in the family have been on Charlie, as they had to be when Charlie’s life was at risk. But that hyperfocus allowed people to push Tori and her quieter suffering to the side. Tori has trained herself to believe that Charlie’s illness “was probably my fault” because “when I noticed something was off with him...I didn’t talk to him enough. I didn’t do enough.” Because the adults who love her have trouble discussing and processing emotions, Tori’s shutdown isn’t questioned. People have no idea that Tori feels desperately lonely and inadequate, longing to be loved by the brother she adores: “I’m trying my best...I started being his friend as well as his sister.” But Charlie’s too lost in his own suffering to see how his rejection hurts Tori. And Tori doesn’t dare push for more support. “He’s being unfair, but I don’t have any right to be annoyed with him...I don’t matter. He matters.” But of course she matters. Just because her anxiety and depression fold inward, are quieter, doesn’t make them less worthy of being seen. Tori is not less worthy of love just because her distress isn’t as evident.

I don’t mean to be cruel to Charlie. He’s clearly come a long way in his recovery, finally able to recognize that “the restrictive eating, the self-harm, and my other compulsions...are coping mechanisms. It’s not about just stopping myself doing those things, it’s about figuring out why I feel those impulses, what the emotional stuff is underneath. While there’ll be good days and bad days, I can get better.” But the holidays are almost automatically guaranteed to be Bad Days. Because, as Tori points out, “Christmas is a stressful time for people with eating disorders, since food is such a big part of the day.” Add to the volatile mix a bunch of visiting family who can’t seem to stop making insensitive comments about everything from Charlie’s mental health to his sexuality and the toxic mess begins to boil. Charlie tries his best to grit his teeth through every painful conversation, navigate his triggers, and stay in control. He wants to deliver the Perfect Family image for his parents. But as he takes hit after hit, Charlie finds his reserves drain to zero: “I should have defended myself better. I’m tired, though. I’m so tired of defending myself.” Ultimately unable to take any more, Charlie flees his home to go find comfort with his boyfriend, Nick.

It would be easy to cast Charlie as the perpetual innocent victim. While Charlie is dealing with a lot, Winter doesn’t absolve him of his responsibilities or his wrongdoing. Charlie laments “when people know you’re mentally ill, most people treat you like you’re strange, scary, or fascinating. Very few people are actually good at the middle ground. The middle ground isn’t hard. It’s just being there. Being helpful, if help is needed. Being understanding, even if they don’t understand everything.” But he’s wrong about at least one thing: the middle ground is not easy. People who love Charlie, like Tori, desperately want to know what the right way is to navigate that middle ground. They’re struggling to figure it out, and all they’re getting from Charlie is negative feedback about how they’re doing it wrong. The middle ground doesn’t look the same for every person, so it requires some trial and error on both sides to find out what it looks like to each individual. 

As Nick gently points out to Charlie: “I think sometimes you’re so scared of being a burden that it makes you terrified to ask for help. But you have lots of people around you that would be there for you, if you opened up about what help you need.” Charlie does have a responsibility here to communicate: to tell his loved ones what’s working as well as what isn’t. And if he’s not getting something he needs, Charlie needs to ask for it instead of expecting them to read his mind. Most importantly, Charlie needs to recognize that just because he needs more support in this area at this time doesn’t mean he can ignore the ways he is able to love and support others. Tori still needs him. Tori is asking for his love and affection, as is little Oliver, in his own way. Charlie can’t keep neglecting the ways that they need him back.

The fact is that we’ll never be perfect. Naturally selfish creatures, people have a tendency to get lost in their own perspective and lose sight of what others are going through. We end up hurting each other, disappointing each other, and making mistakes. So after a dark interlude, how do we move forward? It’s little Oliver who brings us the simplest, truest wisdom: “You could just say sorry. That’s what you have to do when you say something bad. Say sorry.” In the end, we leave the Spring siblings where they belong: with each other. They recognize that there’s still a lot of work to do. They have to learn how to communicate with each other. They have to learn how to spot Bad Days on the horizon, how to weather the storm, and how to come back when it passes. But you believe that they can. You believe that they will.

[scenefox2003]

No, Camila is not a good mother. And here’s why.

Yes, this sounds like a very harsh statement, but hear me out. Camila, on the surface, seems like a decent and loving mother, especially when compared to say, the Blights, who are much more obviously and stereotypically terrible. But from the very beginning she displays some VERY toxic and harmful behaviors towards her daughter Luz. Her sort of parenting, even though she has good intentions, can do some horrifying and long lasting damage to the mental health and self esteem of a child. How do I know? My mother was exactly like Camila. And like Luz, I still loved her. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t do some serious harm. And those same things are happening to Luz right now.

First up, let’s state the obvious. Luz is neurodivergent. This isn’t even just coding, either. Dana Terrace has outright stated this is her intention. And like many neurodivergent kids and teens, she often gets in trouble in school without realizing why. The things she does are still bad, of course, and she still needs to face the consequences of her actions and learn why they’re not okay. The first two things she does (going a bit too far in the school play and doing that freaky eye thing at cheer tryouts) aren’t even that bad, but her bringing spiders, snakes, and fireworks to school are obviously huge issues. Those last three are obviously cartoonishly crazy acts that have been played up by the writers for humor and to get the idea across, but even if we take this all at face value Camila’s handling of the situation is STILL HORRIBLE. Notice what she criticizes here. Not the fact that her daughter brought dangerous animals and explosives to school, but her love of fantasy. Yes, they’re related, but Luz’s love of fantasy can still exist without her breaking school rules. Not only that, but taking Luz’s neurodivergency into account here, The Good Witch Azura and other fantasy tales are clearly a special interest or hyperfixation of hers. Her love of Azura goes much farther than that of a normal neurotypical fangirl, she uses this character to help navigate through her life. She chooses to stay on the boiling aisles because Eda and King remind her of characters from the book. She chooses to take the risk and try to befriend her rival, Amity, because that’s what Azura did. Even in season two, when she’s talking about her future, she states Eda and Azura as her role models. Not to infantilize Luz (trust me, that’s the last thing I want to do) but this level of connection to a fictional character is unusual for a fourteen year old who just really likes something. Luz clearly uses this character as guidance in a world she doesn’t understand (which funny enough, is both the boiling aisles and earth) and what does Camila do?

She forces her to LITERALLY throw it away. Right before she has to go to a scary and uncomfortable place for THREE MONTHS, that SHE FORCED HER TO GO TO. That’s the time when Luz would need that special interest the most. It isn’t just a book she loves. It’s a coping mechanism, a genuinely harmless and positive part of her life, that she is shamed for. Being shamed for an interest or hyperfixation is such a terrible feeling I can’t even begin to describe it. But if you’re neurodivergent, you know what I’m talking about. What makes it even worse is that Luz literally cannot control what she loves. She can’t just find a new hobby, not that she should even have to, because when you have a special interest or hyperfixation, that thing becomes such a huge part of your life. And most of the time, it’s such an amazing and wonderful thing. And for Luz, it clearly is. Azura LITERALLY LED HER TO FORMING THE STRONGEST RELATIONSHIPS IN HER LIFE, with Eda, King, and Amity. That’s huge, considering Luz clearly has a lot of trouble forming friendships back in the human world. Luz’s love of fantasy is not a problem. Her “weirdness” is not a problem. But that’s what Camila sends her to camp for. To change her interests, her personality, not her actions. That, and for something even worse.

This line hurts my soul. I don’t even have to explain why this is an awful thing for a mother to say to her daughter, it speaks for itself. But I’m gonna explain anyway. Luz doesn’t have any friends. But that’s clearly not her fault. Just look at what happens when she goes to the boiling aisles and FINALLY meets like minded people. She makes tons of friends without changing at all, because Luz is a genuinely good person with a great personality. She’s kind, excitable, and always eager to help others. This is INCLUDED with her “weirdness”, and often directly related to it. Luz is not the only weird person that exists, even in the human world. I had pretty much no close friends as a kid, then I switched to a school full of open minded (and many queer and neurodivergent) people, and now I have TONS of friends who are just like me, who like the same things, that I didn’t have to change myself at all for. This is how real healthy friendships work. And the sad thing is, Luz wouldn’t even HAVE to go to the boiling aisles for this to happen! If Camila really wanted Luz to make friends, all she would have to do is send her to some sort of fantasy or roleplaying camp full of people like her who share her interests. But instead of blaming the judgy bullies for why Luz doesn’t have any friends, she blames Luz for just. Being herself and liking some unconventional stuff. This is so, SO disgusting and harmful. It can lead to so many problems, destroy yourself esteem, and ironically enough it makes it HARDER TO MAKE FRIENDS. Forcing yourself to be someone else to make someone you’re not really compatible with like you just doesn’t work. Believe me, I’ve tried. This is LITERALLY HAPPENING TO LUZ RIGHT NOW. IN THE MOST RECENT EPISODE SHE NEARLY RUINED HER CHANCE WITH AMITY BECAUSE PEOPLE HAD MADE HER FEEL WEIRD ABOUT HER INTERESTS AND PERSONALITY IN THE PAST. That’s why I’m making this post, even though I’ve thought this for a long time. The damage the human world has done to Luz is starting to show. Even after all these months of being loved for being herself and proudly being an advocate for being weird, that instinct is still there. And it lasts. For years. I’m eighteen years old, I’ve been in a supportive environment for six years now, and my parents have been fully supportive of me and my interests and quirks for two. But that instinct doesn’t go away. The deep rooted shame whenever you do something harmless that’s outside the norm, something you were directly told not to by the people who are supposed to love you unconditionally doesn’t go away. And Camila, the only person Luz truly cares about, perpetuated that. And that’s truly awful. I get it. Parents aren’t always perfect. But this is beyond imperfect. It reminds me of a line from Gwendolyn in Keeping Up A-fear-ances. “Your curse is a part of you, and I love every part of you.” Camila clearly loves Luz, but she doesn’t love every part of Luz. And in order to truly love someone, you must fully love them, quirks and all. I hope we get to see Camila learn this before the show ends, but most of all I hope that the show openly states that her parenting is awful. It could save so many kids from so many years of pain and an inferiority complex.

[hellomynameisbisexual]

Internalized biphobia, homophobia or transphobia is where you internally harbor hatred, fear or disbelief against how you identify. But this phobia can cause you a lot of struggle and pain because you may become so unsure of yourself. I don’t deal with internal biphobia well, but I’ve created some methods to help. I am sure some can adapted to help you with whatever you’re internally phobia-ing.

1) Engulf yourself in positivity

I know how patronizing positivity can be when you’re feeling down, but actually I have found some things that are really useful; even just on a daily basis to have these validate you and show how to cope with it better. So, first and foremost, read some of my articles. Although I write about my own experiences, I think that a lot of bi people could relate to my articles. So, reading a couple may help. Also, follow Bi-positivity on your social media. My Tumblr is just basically LGBTQ+ positivity or advice which a bit of scrolling through every day just helps to believe in myself. Some blogs I recommend on Tumblr are ‘Ask a Bisexual’, ‘Bi-Positive’, ‘Letters to lgbt kids’, ‘LGBT+ Positivity’, and my personal favorite ‘LGBT+ Moodboards’. These are always very good, take messages and reply as much as possible. Just make sure that you quickly scroll through any pages before following, there are some which advertise positivity but never prove it.

I also recommend a couple of YouTube channels. Melanie Murphy makes some lovely videos on sexuality and though they are rare, they are worth watching (link to latest one :https://www.youtube.com/watchv=POTYJD3quD8&index=1&list=PLEOdtoJghxaIes0rPtAfFQjspHop4QurJ5). Also, I love Rosie’s Bi-sexy series, where she talks about her bisexuality, often with her wife – Rose – who are always entertaining and relatable (link here: https://www.youtub2

e.com/watch?v=MKMUiAJqyJM).

2) Normalize Saying ‘Bisexual’ Out Loud

You need to get comfortable with saying it out loud. That’s something that you need to do so you can used to saying the word out loud when you talk to people. So, the way I like, and I have most certainly done, is come out to you, constantly, in the mirror. So, look at your reflection in the mirror, and come out. You’ll feel ridiculous and you’ll smile but look at the beautiful person reflected back, and concentrate on the fact that you are coming out to them. It makes it a bit easier to cope with if you do it. I did it so many times before I came out. And when I was in the bathroom in a café the day I came out, I looked at me in the mirror, and told her I was bi and out. It was a wonderful liberating moment to have – though it was in a slightly grubby café bathroom.

3) Positive Role Models

Have LGBTQ+ role models

Frankly, I don’t actually know many, I wish I knew of more but I’m not someone who knows lots about modern celebrities and such, so chances are you’re probably more aware of the ones that exist than I am. One I know of that is bi is Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day as my best friend is a huge fan of his. Though I don’t really have LGBTQ+ role models, I do pick idols that are supportive of the community and when my favorite singers perform at Pride events it is always great to watch the videos. Also, my favorite singer of all time is very supportive of the community, which shows through her fan base (seriously the amount of lesbians I know from twitter, as they are fans of hers, is just INSANE).

4) Find A Fellow Bi

Try and meet someone who is Bi and make friends. This can happen through joining LGBTQ+ groups, or through the internet on blogs and forums and such. But being able to talk to someone who understands completely how you feel is amazing. My best friend is the most fantastic supportive person ever, but she is very very straight, so she doesn’t understand this level of gay. However, I have been very lucky to find make a lovely friend who is also very bi, which gives us both a space in which to be open and talk about what we think and feel. She makes great recommendations for LGBTQ+ films and series on Netflix as she has such an incredible huge knowledge in LGBTQ+ entertainment and keeps urging me to watch all sorts of stuff. But honestly, if you give yourself a space in which to very unapologetically bi, it is just easier to have someone to re-affirm how valid your sexuality is.

5) Talking to Someone Else Entirely

If you’re feeling like you don’t want to talk to anyone in your life, it’s worth reaching out to organizations who are equipped to deal with people like you. One I definitely recommend is Samaritans. This is a charity that has trained volunteers to help people in all sorts of situations for a variety of reasons – mental health, sexuality, stress, anything that might be troubling. What they do is that they give you someone to talk to and to just talk about what’s going on. You must keep in mind that they are unable to give you advice – it is not fair for them to help you, as all they know is what you say, and you don’t even have to tell them your name. I have actually rung up before, at a time where I was dealing with the return of some dark thoughts from when I was struggling with my sexuality, and I spoke to very kind old man (who sounded like Ian McKellan) who really helped me see things in perspective simply by giving me someone to speak to. He actually ever so slightly broke the rules by telling me that he is gay himself but he wanted me to know that he understood what I was feeling. Honestly, it’s worth it to just to talk things out – I have found that this is the best way for me and if you don’t believe anyone can help you, maybe you just need a different outlook.

Contact Samaritans: Phone – 116 123 (UK) [116 123 (ROI)] OR Email- jo@samaritans.org

OR Freepost RSRB-KKBY-CYJK, PO Box 9090, STIRLING, FK8 2SA

6) Listen to this song on repeat. And don’t stop.

Yes, this comes from the fact that I have been binge watching Crazy Ex-Girlfriend religiously for the past week. It is realistic and funny and well worth watching. Also, if you bear with for about half of series one, you get great Bi representation. On a lot of programs you get someone who obviously swings both ways, but the writers will claim they “don’t like labels”. Well, this show has an entire story line for one of the main characters, divorcing their opposite sex partner, discovering their bisexuality, dating the same gender, AND singing a song which debunks myths about Bisexuality. It also gives you a pun to use when someone asks how things are. Tell them you’re Getting’ BI!

[ask19thcentury-doctorgilbert]

Hey there! I thought I’d answer this ooc because Gilbert would never give a straight answer to these questions and after last night’s post I’m really down to talk more in depth about the doc’s mental health.

But before I dive into that, I just wanted to say thank you? I’m really glad to know that you think I do a good job at handling the portrayal of his mental health struggles, that really means a lot and is one of the best compliments I’ve been given ;v; I try to be as realistic and sensitive as I can and I’m glad to know that it pays off!

Alright, onto some headcanon rambling. Fair warning, this post is long and I go off into several tangents sdjjkds

Trigger warnings for the content below: depression, anxiety, suicide, childhood neglect / abuse, self-harm, and bad coping habits.

There’s at least 6 points in Gil’s life wherein his mental health was at its worst: the death of his father, the majority of his duchy years, frederick’s death, the napoleonic era, the entire stretch of the gdr era, and those years between the fall of the wall and him leaving to go to university in Zurich. I can write an entire post about each of those times, but for the sake of answering these asks, I’ll be focusing mainly on the first point and his crusader years.

To answer the first question, I think Gilbert’s first major depressive episode happened when he was a child after his adoptive father, Otmar Beilschmidt, died. He was a constant, comforting presence in the boy’s early life; someone he knew he can depend on and turn to if things ever got too scary or overwhelming. Even after he got ‘turned’ into a representative and the heads of the Order formally took him in, little Gisil still kept being stuck to his father’s hip. And Otmar, as unsettled as he was to find out that his son was suddenly some kind of miracle child, did his best to come to terms with it and help his son cope with his new nature too.

(Slightly off topic side note but I always had the idea that Otmar never really got over reacting with shock whenever he witnessed anything that confirmed that his son wasn’t fully human anymore, like watching a small scratch stitch itself back together. Gisil, being a perceptive and sensitive child, would catch on to that quick and I’m 100% sure he’s asked his father if he was afraid of him before. To which I’m sure Otmar told a half-truth and said that no, he wasn’t afraid of him --- After all, how could he be afraid of someone that God created to bring some good into the world?)

Either way, the sudden loss of that steady, dependable figure in his life really knocked Gisil’s world out of balance and triggered his first major depressive episode. He wouldn’t eat much at mealtimes and found it hard to sleep at night which would then translate into the kid being far more irritable and restless than usual during the day; prone to tantrums and crying if something didn’t go his way. But instead of someone sitting down and trying to understand why he was acting out, he was chastised for acting the way he did; told that he was allowed to grieve his father, but he had to be more mature about it and behave better. Not wanting to disappoint the adults who would be looking after him now, Gisil taught himself how to swallow back the hurt and put a lid on it. It didn’t make him hurt any less, in fact it may have started to translate into physical symptoms like a mildly upset stomach or a headache, but it didn’t bother anyone and his new parental figures seemed to approve so he just came to accept that it must be the right thing to do.

While he eventually got over the worst of the pain relating to his father’s death (or at least learned how to stuff it far enough in the back of his mind that he could pay it no mind) those symptoms continued to quietly haunt him. Mikael was prone to having trouble sleeping in the night (and he often passes the time by practising his writing, or sometimes he’ll get up and sneak out of the sleeping quarters to just sit in the chapel. sometimes praying, sometimes just sitting quietly and hoping that the silence and the coolness coming from the stone walls would somehow lull him to sleep) and to having days where he acts more hot-headed and impulsive than usual. 

The disconnect between desperately wanting to be the ‘good’ person he believes he was created to be and some of the awful things the Order has done to do ‘good’ in the name of God also feeds into that depression and anxiety, especially when he keeps bottling it up because he really has no one to talk to about these things and because that’s what he’s used to doing. This internal conflict will eventually bubble over in his Duchy years, a period of time where Gilbert’s whole mental and emotional well-being was incredibly fragile. (If you wanna read more about what happened during that time, I have an old post about it here. Trigger and content warnings are at the very beginning!)

As for the second question, I think it’s safe to say Gilbert was messed up by essentially being a child soldier. Physical damage doesn’t stay long but the mental/emotional damage was extensive.

Even if his first depressive episode was triggered by his father’s death, the things he saw and experienced during his time as the representative of the Teutonic Order, definitely helped to make things worse. All the bad habits and symptoms he experienced in his youth continue to haunt him until adulthood. Gilbert would still rather brush someone’s concern off with an ‘I’m fine’ coupled with a reassuring smile than risk bothering them with whatever he’s dealing with. Since staying with Konrad and Reiner (who have their own struggles that deserve its own post) he’s learned to open up a little more with enough prompting, but he’d still much rather keep his problems to himself. He still regularly struggles with insomnia that gets worse when he finds himself in a slump, which then translates to frustration, irritability, and a tendency to neglect self care like forgetting to eat. He’s struggled with suicidal thoughts before and has made an attempt on two occasions: once in his Duchy years, the other right after the Napoleonic Era came to a close.

I think another thing that really added fuel to the fire is just the nature of Gil’s existence? Like most nations in his generation have had the chance to just roam around being children in their childhood, some might have even been cared for by the ancients, but he’s never had any of that? He had 10 years of it as a regular human child and then another 8 years after he was ‘turned’ of simply tending to sick and injured pilgrims. He had only 18 years of relative normalcy before he was thrown into a life of constant war, made out to be some holy figurehead, while I feel like most others had much longer. His ability to compartmentalize, to separate the self from the nation, was lacking compared to others in his cohort because he was just so young, physically and in nation years, when he was thrown into the mess. He’s a child nation who’s still young enough to remember his life as a human, to remember what it’s like to think and feel and to fear like a human and I think that messed with his ability to cope. Templar and Hospitaller might be the only ones who can understand what that was like since I think they were thrown into the fire relatively quickly after they were turned as young kids, but Ezekiel is far away and Sanson... Well, we all know what happened to poor Sanson.

The good news is, in the modern day, he is doing so much better since he started regularly meeting with a therapist and getting on the right medication regimen. It took him a while to really accept the fact that he needs help, even if logically he knew this was the right thing to do. There are still bad days but the genuinely good days far outnumber them now and that’s worth the uphill climb that is trying to sort out his issues.

[biteghost]

Hey bite is there question that you hate being asking?

Honestly? I generally dislike being sent questions or comments that imply a want or demand for me to draw something.

This might be kinda weird, since I am an artist and my career is to draw?? But when people ask me to draw something besides what I'm currently working on, it makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. It makes me feel like I'm not working hard enough.

Perhaps TMI (mental health stuff), but I have really bad workaholic tendencies, absolutely awful self-confidence, a big scoop of self-loathing, and on top of that I've been pretty severely burnt out creatively for a long time... but I keep working in spite of all that because I desperately want to finish the things I start, and I earnestly love to make comics and characters!

(note: I don't share this because I am trying to brag or gain sympathy - I am seeing a therapist about this and she's helped me a lot with unpacking my busted brain. But it takes a long time to rewire your mind, and I'm still learning my personal boundaries and new, healthier habits to help me cope with my problems.)

I don't know if working through the trouble is a good thing, honestly. It's probably bad. I should probably be resting. But like, I can't just stop working, you know? I have to pay my bills and stuff.

So, when I'm dealing with my own mental health problems but somehow still manage to post the little art I do, it's like, genuinely a miracle. But getting comments or asks about other pieces, other fandoms, other characters, other projects... to put it bluntly, it just makes me feel bad! I know it isn't meant to be harmful - people like my work and my characters and want to see more of it! That's really flattering! But ultimately, at the end of the day, it just makes those voices in my head telling me I'm letting people down and not working hard enough and being lazy all the louder.

I want to clarify: if you have sent me an ask that was reminding me about a sketch I posted a long time ago that you'd like to see finished, or asking me to draw a character I haven't doodled in a long time, or asking me about a fandom I haven't made fanart for in months - 1) please don't feel guilty - it's okay and I don't blame you for your excitement and enjoyment of the art I make! 2) I probably won't be answering it, and will continue to just work on the art that I have the energy and time to focus on.

Thank you for understanding and for your patience! Please be patient and kind to creators you like online - you don't know what they're going through and it might be very difficult for them to create! 🙏

Instead of asking for 'MORE' of something, try instead to leave an ask or comment expressing what you appreciate about a character or a piece they made recently. Or tell them how you discovered their work and what finally made you hit that 'follow' button. Or just tell them what you like about their art, characters, or stories! Those kinds of interactions can be a lot more encouraging and uplifting than asking for more work from them.

[vintagegenderpunk]

ADHD medication tips from an overly introspective person who has been on them for a decade

This is all in my own experience, though I sort of believe that others go through similar things. Again, not a medical professional. Talk to your doctor. Et cetera. But like, ADHD is kind of like autism, in that you’re not gonna get the same info from an allistic person than you are from an autistic person. People without ADHD just... don’t get it. 

ADHD meds help regulate your anxiety, so when you don't take them (say, you forget and miss like a few days) sometimes your forgetful mind will get super depressed and anxious and feel like the world is ending

And you won't know WHY you feel like this. It's usually just that you forgot your ADHD meds and are being harsh on yourself. Be kind to your brain. It’s adjusting

Higher doses mean higher suppression of appetite, lower doses do it too, but not as bad. Make a plan to eat regularly. Like... schedule it if at all possible. Get yourself some protein bars or drinks. As I'm lactose and soy intolerant, I recommend OWYN (Only What You Need) brand protein drinks, the dark chocolate is the best, but the coffee one is good too.

If you go for a while off meds then start them suddenly, your first day or two of ADHD meds will feel a bit crazy (if you'll pardon the word use). you'll probably get a lot of energy but not have adjusted yet to dealing with it, so it'll feel a bit manic. In that case, remember that you’re okay, you’re just trying to deal with having different brain chemistry.

Take the meds as EARLY in the day as possible. I usually try not to take them after noon, as they'll keep you up at night.

Coffee or caffeine will often stabilize untreated ADHD, so if migrate towards that, don't worry too much. Although, same rules as the last point, try not to drink caffeine too late in the day or else your sleep problems will be expounded upon even if you don’t physically feel caffeine’s effects.

If you do take adhd meds consistently, don't think of them as your "get things done" meds. think of them as your "get consistent neurotransmitters" meds. If you assign productivity as a value to the act of taking your adhd meds, you're more likely to not take them when you feel like you have nothing to do, which will then conversely tank your mental health as in the first point mentioned.

The Metaphysical Stuff: 

If you’re not into the metaphysical, potentially pagan or witchcraft or spirit work related things here, just skip to the next section. I don’t want your comments on this. 

I find that since I've become accustomed to taking ADHD meds on weekdays, on weekends when I don't take them, I really struggle to do anything astral / journeying related. Like, it feels like I cannot focus on it to save my life.

My best guess  is that your body/brain becomes accustomed to doing that thing with the ADHD meds going on, so when you don't have the meds in your system, it struggles a lot more than usual, which since you've probably forgotten a lot of prior coping methods, means you're more likely to think it's just not Happening right now

Be nice to yourself in these moments. You’re not disconnected from the astral or the spirits or whatnot. You’re just having an adjustment of brain chemistry which wildly affects how you perceive this plain of existence, let alone anything else. 

General Information Regarding ADHD for the Uninformed:

Do you see how I broke up this big-ass post into littler chunks? Just like how sarcasm tags (/s) and such helps people with autism or issues interpreting nuanced language, spacing out large chunks of text into smaller pieces will allow your ADHD friends to actually read what you wrote. Please don’t make me look at essay with no line breaks. 

ADHD is often co-morbid with anxiety and depression. It fucks up your sleep cycle. The medication messes with your eating habits as well as causes trouble with physical intimacy at times. It throws your ability to focus in a blender along with a plethora of other issues that come off as “lazy” or “immature” to someone who doesn’t have ADHD. 

Chill out and be nice to your ADHD friends. We basically don’t get happy neurotransmitters like you do and so it takes a lot of effort to get to the same headspace. 

[holyjareau]

imo, the show was often unilaterally focused on Piper, but only on what she could do for others (Piper the wife and Piper the mother) rather than who she was as a person. Piper's individual characterization was lost sometime around s5 as soon as she got pregnant, and being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series. I would be very interested to hear what you define as Piper's mental issues/trauma, bc as you say it doesn't get said enough

this has been in my inbox forever and i’m just getting around to it so my apologies.

but okay. so. yes. i think a lot of tv shows fall into this weird place where like. all of their characters begin with these kinda vague personalities because you’re just getting to know them. and as the show goes on, you pick up more pieces and stuff . and that’s great. that’s interesting and entertaining and it takes you on a journey and all. but often what happens is many shows fall into this pit where writers either get lazy, they change, or whatever, and the actors are tired of playing the part or whatever . and like. the characters become like. caricatures of themselves. and it just gets exhausting to watch because they’re not like. real people anymore.

Piper's individual characterization

so now for the charmed thing. so from the beginning. i have loved piper. like she’s the middle sister, overlooked, quiet, reserved, pessimistic but also realistic, gentle, thoughtful, all that. we see right away that she loves to cook .. she’s so happy her family is back together. she kept in touch with phoebe behind prue’s back. but she’s loyal to the both of them. her first idea was to have a reunion dinner when phoebe came home. she’s literally so cute n she deserves a hug. but no like. as we go on, we see that she wants to be good, she wants a stable life with no more loss, she Loves Love !! like. she wants to just be happy , open her own restaurant n just cook. she’s also so shy .. definitely panicky and anxious. and she doesn’t trust herself. she’s skeptical of everything, and she’s very thoughtful when it comes to big situations. even in the early days with leo and into season 2, she mentioned a few things about like “i’ve been thinking a lot about this...” and you can see she’s good at communicating with people. she’s also got these other dimensions to her like . she is interested in lots of cuisine types, she loves to read (and is a camus fan !!) , she drives a jeep (which i wanna know how she got bc i have questions), when she found out she was a witch her first thought was just . i need to go and see if i am still a good person . and she went to church. prue was surprised to learn that piper enjoys knitting. in the early seasons (especially mid-late season 3) we saw her with her plants and all. she’s just this natural peacekeeper. but like. we literally got a crying scene in the second episode because she was so conflicted about this. and she’s such a deep and complex character that i fell in love with so fast . and like . literally my favourite fictional character to exist . genuinely holly breathed so much life into piper . anyway . so. here’s the thing.

being a mother and wife pretty much became her sole defining characteristic for the rest of the series

like. piper was who i described above. and like . i kinda think . a bit. that like . the writers . especially in s4 . were like . hmm well  . she’s just lost prue, she’s gonna be grieving . and like we need more for her. so. she’s been married to leo for the better part of a year, been with him for like . 3 years. so. let’s maybe consider giving them a kid but not just yet . just Content kinda stuff. so anyway they drop little hints in here and there starting in like . 4x07 i think? which . brain drain really paid the rent . fully just. holly did so well. but like. that ep was just. a neat way of looking into her mind and seeing the horrors of manipulation and gaslighting and everything . and of course holly knocked it out of the park. but at that point, they were kinda like . hmm . kids ? and they started toying with the idea, having piper and leo consider it, talk about it, they had paige and phoebe ask about it , all of that good stuff. as you do. made for some funny tv at some points. and like . i really, really Get It . when piper’s like . ahh the baby wouldn’t be safe around here !!!! like. Girl, Valid . your sister just died and like . you went on forever about how she was The Most Powerful One . The Strongest One . and yet she still died . so she’s like ??? am i next ?? and like obv it doesn’t make sense for her to jump on this train of like . i’m gonna have a kid !!!! so she’s really valid in her thought process there. and like. after having wyatt . i think the writers really . idk. couldn’t do waaay too much with her character anymore because i feel like . to an extent, anything she does will be scrutinized bc i’m not just . saying this . i rlly feel like sometimes piper’s the easiest to hate. like idk why but i loved her. but anyway. if she stays at home with wyatt and doesn’t wanna fight demons n all . then she’s selfish towards her sisters n she’s awful n prue wouldn’t have let her do that !!!! etc . but if she fought demons it’s like . uh sweetie you have a child . really ??? why put yourself in a situation that might have you ending up like patty 2.0 ... bc i could do a Whole post on how patty’s situation messed piper up the most. but anyway.

it’s the way i’m fully rambling so if you’re reading this . i love you . anyway okay . so . i think in a tv show you’ve gotta kinda check boxes. the best tv shows have characters you see yourself in . you relate to them. you hear them and understand their decisions and actions and thoughts. the things they do just makes sense 2 you. so like. with prue, anyone married to their job could relate to her. any oldest sibling could see themselves in her, you know ? she was hard-working, committed, logical, protective. and with phoebe, anyone who couldn’t “settle down” in their early 20s related 2 her, anyone who felt like the outcast of the family, the “screw-up” .. right. makes sense. she was so kind, caring, had-your-back kinda girl. we all love those. paige was like . the new kid, trying to fit in, creative, curious, and definitely a lifelong learner. and then there’s piper who was shy, resistant, really just wanted to be normal. and loved. and i think everyone could kinda identify with at least one of the sisters regardless of where you stood in your own family. so as the show went on, it’s like . they still want you to keep watching and keep being able to identify with them because it’s not like they’re humans with normal lives so they’ve already kinda lowkey got that going against them . so their more “human” and normal lives... we’ve gotta be able to identify with them to be able to invest time. so they had prue always working, having trouble balancing love and work, looking out for her family. we had phoebe kinda living her life, getting her career going, then kinda wanting a family. we had paige learning magic and being super interested and involved and then getting married. and we had piper who had her career pretty early on, got married, and had kids. like. i think the big thing is the marriage and kids. and when you’re a mother . the only mother really in the show, the show lowkey centres around you . like. for starters, the show usually is in the manor, and if you’re a mother, you’re very likely at home, esp with young kids. so i think that alone kinda was like . huh yeah . won’t see piper out waaay too much anymore i guess !!! but no like . there’s That. that’s kinda. the thing that really can’t change with the show . like. piper’s got kids now and a husband and very, very likely . her life will be centred around her home. which. listen she’s wanted that i think - the stability . she’s wanted that forever. and this is the form it came in. but i should stop rambling here and cut to the point .

Piper's mental issues/trauma

disclaimer: i’m not diagnosing her, i’m just speculating based off of my own experiences with mental health

so. okay. very early on. we saw that anxiety. like. yes . she was nervous about like a whole new life experience . or whatever we’re gonna call it when you figure out you’re a witch . but like she was Anxious . like. crying in the attic over being a bad person . needing phoebe to talk her down by telling her she’s such a caring person, she’s always doing things for other people . and then there’s the whole anxiety that comes with. my family’s falling apart because my sisters are fighting so i use really awkward methods of getting out of things . like using humour as a coping mechanism !!! which. gave us some iconic one-liners. but that’s beside the point . anyway. point is. early on, that anxiety was there. there’s an ep in season 1 where she’s literally entering a panic attack in her kitchen and phoebe’s using a menu to cool her down. like. Yikes! and then she’s just. her awkward self around everyone but that’s endearing and is just part of her personality . and i think a lot of the anxiety stemmed from childhood. we heard a few times about how prue and phoebe had boyfriends growing up, were always pretty and popular and all. phoebe was popular, too, just, in the other crowd. but nonetheless, piper faded into the background, doing well in math - well enough to go off and be a banker . and like. she sacrificed a lot for grams. she stayed in san francisco ... we all know the girl had the marks for stanford or something . like. though . still, i think she liked the stability of home and prob would’ve stayed . but in 3x17 she’s all !!! grams !!! the doctor said no caffeine !!! and when grams was taking the pic of them outside and she had an episode , piper was all !!!! shallow breaths !!! like. it was clear piper was the one taking her to the appointments and footing the bill. like. she literally became a banker just bc it had benefits n stuff. like. poor girl really thought . anyway that’s a whole spiral. but no. like she really sacrificed The Most for her family and everyone still thought she was selfish for wanting to move out . when like back then grams was literally ... sick ... and prue was out here moving out and phoebe was nowhere to be found . so. that . definitely would have added to her anxiety about even wanting to do anything for herself because she’ll be perceived as selfish in a heartbeat. even if it’s not Mean . it’s just. she’d never risk it. but there’s the anxiety. there are a few lil things here n there about how she gets nervous n stuff, she represses things (3x07 i think was where phoebe said piper represses her anger n just sucks it up n does whatever) . she literally cancelled her doctor’s appointment Twice . anyway. it still angers me. then in season 7 . patty and victor were like . oh she had night terrors that were so bad we took her to the doctor ! and i just ... honey . baby. she thought she caused the divorce. at 4? 5? she watched victor leave on her 5th birthday, watched a demon attack her, grams, and victor. prue said she didn’t cry at patty’s funeral and i’ll make a safe bet that piper did. and i think growing up without patty was strange for sure. prue had more memories and phoebe had none. and piper had fragments of this person everyone loved . and she was stuck between knowing her and not knowing her. and when patty was sent to her for her wedding day, (as well as in 1x17) . both times when patty hugged them . prue and phoebe hugged her, eyes closed n all. while piper was on the outside, eyes open . looking numb as all hell . and you know. i rlly think she was Giving Them That because phoebe didn’t get her and prue kinda . in a way. lost more of her . if that makes sense ?? and i just. patty really was like . they sent me to You. and 5 seconds later . piper’s like . they sent mom to Us !!! and it’s that idea of sacrifice and never having anything for yourself because she was never just . given anything for herself . everything in her life has been a sacrifice and as a mother, that’s perpetuated. she can assume that role with more of a purpose . like. people won’t really feel sorry for her now as the “forgotten” sister, they won’t try and coddle her or anything. and another thing. control. piper craved stability and control. i think while cooking was something she loved, it also gave her a lot of control . she could control her whole kitchen . even in season 8 .. maybe vaya con leos actually . leo mentioned how much piper craves control. and the control motif makes sense with her powers too. like. piper craved control so much that her powers allowed her to control things down to the atom. so there’s the whole anxiety and needing to control things to ease her anxiety and all. there’s That whole thing.

and then we get to the infamous season 5 fearless spell . ms girl really sat in the attic just writing everything on the wall and it’s the way i screenshotted it and like . zoomed in and tried deciphering it . and like . there’s words like “stop” and i think “sister” is in there a few times, so is “loss” or “lost”. when i watch it next i’ll grab a cap because it’s . disturbing. girl was so scared . literally was writing a spell to get rid of her fears . she also writes Fear . as in. capital F . and like. yeah that’s deep but i do it too like i emphasize words with a capital letter . and like holly marie combs might just have quirky n fun writing but like ... capital F . for Fear. for real . that’s . trauma !!! and she also was having panic attacks at the beginning of season 5. let’s not forget those. which ... we should’ve gotten more of an explanation for . i hope that girl is getting help bc she was Going Through It . and in season 7 when zankou reads her diary . firstly. we Knew this girl kept a diary like . for Sure . she did. and just that little excerpt of when prue died . oops. i’d pay big money to see the rest because again i just think she’s got such a complex mind and like. i’d be so interested to read that. and i think everything re: prue is just Awful for her. like . idk if this is just something quirky i noticed but obv we know prue died in may 2001 . but at the end of 4x03, when piper goes 2 paige’s work 2 bring her muffins !! soft !!! the calendar on one of the desks reads july 2001 ... and i really just. ms girl. i Know they prob just filmed the ep in july but it honestly tracks that she’d be so awfully upset about everything and just . barely able to do anything but cook . for 2 months. like. honey. baby. i wanted 2 just cuddle her bc she was so sad. and like. she tells paige she’s having “good hours” and “not so good hours” . she’s going by the Hour . by the Hour . just. need i say more . i’m so . but no like. if anything like i could see her having like . depression where she’s high-functioning and like just . walking depression i guess ?? like . not even after prue. i think in general. like . she definitely has a melancholic temperament and a type 6 enneagram (the skeptic). that’s For Sure . but i think. just. she’s always just had time to think bc she’s always alone, reading, knitting, cooking, tending to her plants, all that. and i just . think. she has issues. and i think prue knew that. of all people. and i think her knowing that . and then dying. destroyed piper. she lost the last person that was truly a constant in her life . like they shared a roof over their heads forever. and then she was just . gone . and piper was suddenly left to pick up the pieces . and become the oldest sister . and i’m So glad she didn’t fully assume her personality. i’m glad she stayed as piper . just. she’s more cynical and snarky and defensive and cold and that’s okay. she’s hurting. she’s always gonna hurt . and i think it makes her human . she’s pessimistic and sad and has a short fuse at times . but just. again. i love her to bits and i think those issues make her more relatable for me. because while many like to say she became selfish and a negative person and just . awful to be around . i’d say the opposite . i won’t sit and apologize or justify things. also i don’t think piper’s done anything wrong . i just think she’s hurt. she’s been wronged so many times. and she’s .... scared. i think she’s scared . and in season 5 “sympathy for the demon” we learn her true biggest fear is her happiness being stolen away. and like . it’s not that she’s scared she won’t be happy. she’s scared all of the good she’s got will be taken from her . and that’s . terrifying . so . i see why she’s so snarky and bitter and tired and all . she’s terrified of things being taken from her like they have been her whole life. and as i watch the show i really like to just keep that in mind as i get further and further in because yes. she did become a mother and a wife and we saw her arguing with leo a lot and their marriage falling apart and That Whole Era . we saw how it kind of took over her life but i think it happens . i think she even said at one point . i’ve been so many things to so many people, i don’t know who i am anymore . and i think it sums her up perfectly. she doesn’t know who she is because she’s someone to everyone . she’s just. nobody to herself except this scared little girl who just wants Something . Anything . to make sense . some Stability . and her babies, her husband, and her sisters . are all she has for that idea of stability to make sense in her mind. and it was an easy hole to fall into - the Mother - but i think she jumped in. because at the Very Least . nobody could take that title away from her . regardless of how hard they tried .

[lokislittlesigyn]

//okay just a personal post, carry on and ignore it if you like!

//tw for mental health mention, ptsd, some.. general vent-but-good stuff

So. Ah.

I’ve been wanting to make another personal post for a while. It’s just never felt right. I don’t want to upset people,or seem like I’m begging for attention, or over-share, but I also really appreciate the kind words and support people have. And.. I think I’m supposed to share? I should talk, if the time’s right? I won’t say it’s comfortable, because it isn’t always, and right and comfortable aren’t always the same thing. But I think this is right, even if it may not be comfortable.

Long story short, I brought my parents along to a therapy meeting with a new specialist that my original therapist transferred me to. I was worried my first therapist didn’t have a full grasp of the severity of what’s going on, and I needed my parents help - as the people who spend the most time with me - to express just how bad things are. The new specialist was.. Incredibly kind. He listened and cared and believed us, and suggested two things.

1. We pursue a higher level of care. Because of the severity, meetings every few weeks (or, maybe even once a week) might not be enough.

2. We conduct a series of screenings and tests to gauge what we’re dealing with, and the severity, with the possibility of getting medical necessity for further help/testing.

So this Thursday, we did the tests.

It’s a strange thing. I’ve been desperate to know what exactly is happening. What’s “wrong” with me so to speak. I suppose wrong isn’t a kind word for it, but it’s certainly not fun, the things that are going on... But I digress.

Only one came back truly negative: turns out I probably don’t have ADHD.

But depression? Positive. Moderate-severe. Anxiety? Positive. Moderate, but only because I have coping mechanisms - the specialist thinks it’s more severe than the test shows. OCD? Positive. Extremely high. Stress? I tested in the highest possible section. The same section as first responders. As people who charge into burning buildings. In the specialist’s own words, my stress levels were “off the charts.” And PTSD... I was abundantly positive and severe on that. He said if the population of the US were likened to 100 people, me and only 3 other people would be dealing with the level of PTSD I do.

And after talking to him, he confirmed my suspicions. I struggle with complex PTSD. Multiple traumas happening multiple times over... Years. Over almost my entire life. CPTSD, with symptoms of depression, anxiety, OCD, and high stress, all stemming from the underlying trauma. It was both validating and humbling to find all this out.

On the upside, these are all connected issues, like a bundle of roots from an invasive plant. On the downside, these are all connected issues, compounding on and feeding off one another.

I did another test too. A test for a certain “disorder” that came back two points away from positive. The specialist recommended better testing on that, because the written tests are flawed, and can be biased, and depending on the day results can be different. As I think about it, I realized, I think I answered some of the questions wrong. I misunderstood. And if I’d answered differently - more honestly - I think it might have been positive. I’m not sure.

I’m a little scared, honestly. I desperately want to know what’s going on. To have a name for all of this. To have a name so that I can start knowing what to do. But if I do have this... I’m going to need time to accept and process it.

I had a feeling this summer would bring a lot of self-discovery. I felt I’d find out a lot more about myself this year. Maybe these tests are part of how that happens.

For now, I’m grateful for what we know. We’re pursuing more treatment. We’re getting help. My parents have asked me to make lists of things they can do to help soothe me and make everyday life less hard - even just little things, in the hopes they’ll compound on one another. Good to balance out the bad.

It sounds very strange to me. I can’t help but wonder why we’d change anything. I’m coping well enough as is, aren’t I? I haven’t given up yet, so why should we change anything? But I think that’s the coping talking. I’ve learned that life will only ever get worse. Maybe things can get better? I just have to put faith in the fact they can... Which is immensely difficult. So many other things in my life have proven just the opposite.

But I hope I’ll be victorious one day. I have to hold onto that, right? Hold onto that and keep trying?

For what it’s worth, everyone I’ve told the test results to has been extremely kind. I wasn’t expecting it. I was expecting people to treat me different, I guess, and maybe reveal how exhausting and frustrating I am, or have been, and.. Leave.

But they didn’t.

I’m glad.

if you read this far, i commend you. this is very long and probably a lot of information. i don’t know if this will help anyone but... if you’re struggling, with anything, and you’re able? maybe try to get help. i know it can be hard, and scary, and it might not make sense. but even just in these sessions, i’ve tasted a little bit of kindness, a little bit of relief, a little bit of validation and understanding and proof that what i feel is real. i’m not just making it up or being dramatic. and that alone is worth the trouble.

be gentle with yourself.

[soulmate-game]

The Vote and Other Things

So, first things first. This is how the vote for the next story to be updated turned out. 

first place: Useful (14 votes)

second place: Brucinette (11 votes)

Third place: Bio!dad Joker (2 votes)

Fourth Place: other (1 vote lol) 

I counted both votes for those of you who couldn’t choose. So if you said “either 2 or 3”, I just put your vote in for both of them. It was the fairest way I could think to count votes since several of you had a hard time deciding (which I don’t mind at all! I’m just glad you guys voted at all tbh). 

serious talk is under the cut. Mentions of emotion and mental health stuff, nothing too deep or anything but just fyi. 

Now that that is out of the way, let me talk a bit about the sequel to Useful before I start writing it. I know I probably hyped some of you up by saying it was going to be super angsty and make you all cry. And yeah, that was the original plan. But on Sunday, I got some really bad family news and I’ve been avoiding reality for a while since then by writing. It isn’t the healthiest coping mechanism at times (I tend to take it too far if I don’t pay attention), and I’m trying to make sure I stay healthy as possible, but this is also the best idea I got for dealing with my emotions right now. I promise I’m working through them, it’s just that focusing on writing helps me not only burn a few hours without focusing on the bad shit, but keeps me from the self-loathing that comes with sleeping my issues away. so. 

Some of you might notice that this coincides with my update of The Heroes’ Game. And yeah, that’s not coincidence. I had been having trouble writing chapter 17 for a while, and apparently a bitch slap from Life Itself was what it took to get me to sit down for almost three hours straight and finish it. I averaged 1,000 words an hour because I had too many emotions and had to work through them. And I did, I got a lot of my anger and frustration out by channeling them into my writing. But now I need a hell of a lot of comfort, which will also be channeled into my writing. Which means, because of the timing of me writing this particular Part 2, this continuation of Useful will likely be very low on angst after all. I know a lot of you had your tissues ready and were excited for a tear-fest, but that will have to wait until I am in a more stable mindset. I can make no promises, this issue isn’t likely to go away anytime soon and my emotions will likely be all over the place for the next few months. But, if and when I am in a better place to write angst, I will write an alternate Part 2 for Useful, an Angst-timeline, in the same way I separated the two timelines for the Bio!dad Joker AU into Normal and Chaotic. 

You guys are awesome, and I appreciate your support every day. I hope this doesn’t disappoint you all too much, but I am not going to stop writing and hoping that you find some solace or enjoyment in what I create anyway. I know, personally, that reading is every bit as much of a comfort and escape for me in bad times as writing is, and I continue to publish my writing in the hope that it can help you guys the same way others’ writing has helped me. 

With love, CJ. 

[lemonbalmgirl]

An outcome.

Because @tawghasa wanted an update after it happened.

My appointment with Kaiser behavioral health  about potentially having ADHD was this morning. Yesterday, I started making a list of symptoms I suspected I had, but then (ironically) found that overwhelming and stopped. Still, a partial list was better than none?

Anxiety was rough this morning. Managed to take a shower, eat a few bites of something, and chug some water before the appointment.

Then the appointment happened, approximately 50 minutes. The clinician stated that she was assessing my need for behavioral health services, and based on that wording, I still wasn’t completely sure if this was my diagnostic appointment or not. Turns out it was.

They asked me various questions about life, childhood, school, other mental health conditions, etc. Since I’d basically been told to trust the process and that they would weight answers to their own questions much more than anything I brought to the table with me, I wasn’t assertive with my list of suspected symptoms. And I thought that at some point, they would ask me why I thought I might have ADHD. But they didn’t.

The gist of it at the end was, "Well, you have a counselor, go talk to them about stuff. It's all probably your anxiety."

I didn't meet the diagnostic criteria, with emphasis on how I didn't have trouble with school prior to age 12 and didn’t have any hyperactive symptoms.

I don’t want to outright say that I think this clinician was wrong, because I don’t have a background in psychology or diagnosing/treating neurodevelopmental disorders. I guess I just expected there to be more interest in my own observations? If my counselor thought it was all just anxiety, I don't think she would have told me she didn’t think I was barking up the wrong tree regarding ADHD or have suggested I talk to my doctor about it, which is I how I ended up with this referral. I know there’s a lot of overlap between depression, anxiety, & ADHD, but from what I’ve read, some of the symptoms I relate to are specific to ADHD (or autism spectrum disorders) and not depression & anxiety. ((Not having the things I relate to be “official” enough symptoms to “count” was one of my anxieties about this appointment, actually.))

I held it together for the last few minutes of the video appointment, then promptly lost it as soon as it was over. I haven’t felt that invalidated in a long time. I ended up cancelling half the things I was going to do today because my fucks evaporated.

I posted about this in a filtered post on FB and certain friends made some comments that were comforting, specifically about how they’d had trouble getting diagnosed themselves and how this outcome doesn’t necessarily mean I don’t have ADHD - it’s difficult for adults, especially women, to get diagnosed and this may be an example of that.

Part of the reason I wanted to get diagnosed was validation. A lot of the symptoms I think I have - executive dysfunction, time blindness, short-term/working memory issues - are things that a certain parent always implied were character flaws, and it’s only with researching over the past year that I’ve realized just how much I internalized that during my teens & early twenties. So, I wanted validation that these were legitimate problems that I had no control over and should not have been chastised for.

The other thing is that I have a lot of difficulty existing in limbo. Do I have ADHD or not? Plenty of people have told me that I should use ADHD coping methods if they’re helpful, regardless of whether I officially have it or not. And I completely understand why they’re saying that. I also know that I find that difficult, because I don’t know if I can separate using the coping mechanisms from having the condition. And I don’t want to claim to have the condition if I don’t have it, because I know I’ll probably incorporate it into my identity like I have depression and anxiety. (This particular part of things is really difficult to articulate clearly.) And I don’t think it’s helpful to think I have a condition if I don’t, you know? But compared to depression and anxiety, you can’t say that you have a little ADHD you’re dealing with.

I’m not really sure what my plan is going forward. I’ll talk to my counselor in about 2 weeks and this will probably fill the entire appointment. I’ll probably end up doing further reading on ADHD in women and try working on a couple of coping mechanisms despite what I just said about them.

Sooooo yeah, that’s what happened.

[imaginingyourfandom]

goodnight

prologue to ‘a new beginning’ with Aaron Hotchner

prologue

series summary:  aaron hotchner falling for you but is scared of rejection and not being enough for you

series warnings: angst, fluff, abusive relationship, strained parental relationship, divorce, injury & normal criminal minds things

word count: 

Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope

You never thought you would be moving to Washington D.C, let alone join the BAU. The move had been nice and easy, but the best part was meeting the team. They had all been so welcoming right from the beginning and became the family you had always wished for. You fit right in and clicked with everyone, but you were closest to Aaron, something no one had expected.

He just had a way of making you feel safe and comfortable. After Haley had left, you had become his support system and he could not have been more grateful to have you in his life. You were close to Haley and she had pretty much given her blessing for you to pursue Aaron but neither of you were in a place to move on just yet and you fine to wait.

It had been a long week, chasing a serial killer that feed his victims to the pigs he cared for on his farm. The UNSUB had been mentally disabled and was being used by his own brother that had been paraplegic. Everyone was emotional and stressful and frankly, no one knew how to deal with it.

Going home hadn't been an option for you so you stayed at the Bureau to finish some paperwork. You knew eventually you would be tired enough so that by the time you got home, you would fall asleep as soon as you hit the pillow.

“You’re still here?” You looked up to find Aaron standing there.

You sighed as you rubbed your eyes, “I wanted to get some paperwork done.”

“You should have gone home.” Aaron spoke tiredly.

You shook your head, “I know but I knew I couldn’t sleep. What we saw this week is going to give me nightmares. The last thing I want is to go to sleep and have to relive whatever we saw.”

Aaron nodded, “I know. What we see is not easy and what we saw last week, would give even the most experienced profilers and agents, nightmares. I know it’s not going to be easy to get through this but if you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here.”

“I know and for that I will always be grateful. This team is my family and lord knows what I would do without you all. I know this job is not easy, but I would not be doing it if I could not handle it. I have coping mechanisms, but it does make me question humanity and that I have no idea how to cope with.” You breathed.

Aaron took a seat next to you, “I’ve done this job long enough to become numb to this.”

“You and I both know that’s not healthy.” You refuted.

Aaron sighed, “I know but we all cope differently. This job takes a lot out of you and the last thing I want is for you to change. You bring a warmth to this team that we all love and appreciate. I know I’m not the easiest to get along with, but I hope you’re comfortable enough to talk to me.” He wanted you to be able to come to him whenever you had a problem, especially if it effected your mental health.

“You, Aaron Hotchner, are a lot of things, a boss, a father but most importantly, a friend. I know that I don’t talk to you bur that’s because you make me feel safe and happy, the last thing I want is to ruin that by talking about the things that make me unhappy and stressed. Sometimes, I just wish I could forget the things we see.” You voiced softly. Aaron had always been your safe space, it was easy to tell him things and be around him but the job took a lot out of you so it was easier to talk to a therapist than someone that meant so much to you.

Aaron smiled faintly, “I think we all do. Do you want a ride home?”

You looked at the paperwork in front of you and realised that you had already finished everything you wanted to get done. You glanced at him with a slight smirk, “Depends, you going to come in?”

Aaron snickered with a slight blush, “That would be highly inappropriate.”

“No one has to know.” You replied as you began to pack up your stuff.

Aaron went to get his stuff, leaving you to your thoughts. He knew you were naturally flirty but the last thing he wanted as to interpret it as something more and get his hopes up. He didn’t know when, how or why but he was falling for, hard. You were the light at the end of the tunnel. You made him feel things he hadn’t in a long time, and it took him a while to come to terms with it. At first, the last thing he wanted was to disrespect Haley but even she could see how much you meant to him and gave her blessing. It had come as a surprise to him because he had thought he was better at hiding his feelings but more than anything he feared telling you. He felt you deserved better and that was not him.

“You ready to go?” You spoke, bringing him out of his thoughts.

Aaron nodded, “Let’s go.”

It was a quiet ride home, but it was comfortable. Neither of you spoke as the radio played softly in the background. You could feel yourself slowly drifting off before the car stopped and Aaron shook you slightly.

“We’re here.”

You yawned, “Thank you. Do you want to stay?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Aaron exhaled.

You looked up at him, “I don’t think either of us want to be alone tonight, especially not after what we saw this week. Please, I don’t want to be alone.”

“Okay.”

In the end, Aaron ended up carrying you upstairs to your apartment as you had no energy to move. You slowly changed into your sleepwear while Aaron made himself comfortable in your spare room. He had stayed over before, so he knew where most things were and didn’t have trouble finding what he needed.

You were laid on your bed, slowly drifting off when you felt someone walk into the room but you were too tired to move.

“Goodnight, love.”

[rotworld]

rotworld december update

hello friends and neighbors, this was going to be a simple "hello i'm alive" post but it's something much more substantial now. 

i got a couple asks a while back about where i've been/what i've been up to, and i kept trying to write responses and then not being able to finish them. i'd get sort of choked up and stop. i feel like that means i probably have to get some things off my chest again, so i want to do that. this is kind of an emotional post so no pressure if you're not up for that lol but tl;dr: i’m having a rough time but i’m hanging in there, i’m very focused on a non-blog project, and i made an faq page.

we'll start with the not so good stuff (there is good stuff, too, i promise lol)

it goes without saying that this has been a very difficult year. on one hand, i can't believe it's already december, and on the other, i can't believe this fucking year isn't over yet. i can admit that i've had trouble coping with major events as well as a series of increasingly difficult personal troubles. if you've been here a while, you might remember some vague statements i've made about my mental health before lol. i manage my disorders with medication and therapy, but i still get overwhelmed sometimes. this year in particular, i've lost a lot of ground. 

a month or so ago, i was supposed to drop something off for a friend who was at work, and discovered that there were several spiders living in my shoes. they'd made webs and everything! it was so absurd to be standing out on the porch, poking around in my shoes with a stick and shaking the spiders out, that i laughed about it, but i was also frustrated and ashamed. years of progress overcoming intense agoraphobia had evaporated and i hadn't fully realized it until i had tangible evidence.

i bring attention to the spider-shoes incident because it's pretty emblematic of how things are for me right now lol there are some problems. there's a lot of self-neglect that's been happening. i'm supposed to get up, get dressed, and go on a walk every day but sometimes, like today, it doesn't happen. i can't seem to bring myself to do it. i'm 26 and i feel so small. there's so many things no one taught me. i'm not ready to do all of this on my own. this will be my first holiday season without family, and i'm haunted by the way things used to be, knowing it'll never be like that again. 

writing all this, i'm getting emotional all over again. that's a lot of negatives lol but despite that, there are still things i'm optimistic about.

in terms of personal growth, i didn't just lose ground this year. i made some progress, too. i went out and protested for the first time. there's no way i could have done that a few years ago lol i get nervous just going to the store. but i went, and i marched, and i yelled (i never yell!) and i let out that frustration and that grief, and that's a huge step for me. that was something new and scary that i was able to do. i also stopped straightening my hair for the first time since i was in grade school lmao that probably sounds silly, but it's for sure the biggest change i've made. having my natural hair, feeling comfortable with it, styling it, means something that i can't even put into words. sometimes i still get embarrassed and want to tie it back, or hide it under a hat, but i try to fight that. it's my hair, it's big, and it's beautiful, and i want to learn to love it again.

i've also put a lot of my free time into personal projects this year, with most of my focus on one in particular. i've got a fairly large writing project that's now in the line editing phase (which is a little scary lol but in an exciting way!). i've been sitting on this draft for a long time, dragging my feet, being too nervous to show it to anyone, but i promised myself i would move on to the next step and it happened. if i'm not discussing edits, i'm doing some prep work and a conlang for my next project. 

when i say i've been "busy," sometimes i'm talking about this personal work, and sometimes i'm being intentionally vague about feeling bad. it's very embarrassing for me to admit to "emotional weakness" (of course feeling bad is NOT "weakness," this is just another unhealthy perspective i have to work on). the point of me saying all of this is to have some transparency with my readers.  i know i can be a little distant, and while part of that is preference, part of that is just me being ashamed to admit i've been depressed for a week and haven't done much lol. 

finally, i just have a few things to mention about my work here. first, the about page is now also an faq page. it only recently occurred to me that i've had a blog long enough to have questions that are asked frequently lol there's not much there yet, but i'll add more if i think of it. secondly, i want to reiterate that none of my projects have been abandoned. i know it's hard to believe with how slowly updates come out (especially for griefing), but hopefully this post explains why. not only is this a rough time, but i have other work that's my top priority. if i feel well enough to write, that's what i work on. my goal is to make a career out of writing and this is a big first hurdle i have to push through, so please bear with me! 

like always, i appreciate my readers and their patience so much lol i know it's frustrating when a serial work you're enjoying just stops without explanation. i miss being more active, too. i can't do much more than tell you guys what's been going on and keeping doing my best, so here we are lol. anyway, please take care of yourselves and be safe! and i hope i don't spark a whole lot of worry, i'll be okay. i've got support here. my roommate and i are in the same boat regarding a lack of family, so we're making up our own holiday traditions this year with booze, bad movies and takeout lmfao.

[missmentelle]

Would you say it's the same thing for ADHD? I was diagnosed as having 'traits of adhd' a few years back and always assumed it was more a reflection of the fact that i was diagnosed by a med student not being supervised who made some significant errors in the way she tested me as well as omitting what I thought were some significant observations from her writeup, but I've been wondering lately whether I am actually ADHD or not

It’s the same for all disorders - if a diagnosing professional wrote down on a psychology report that you have “traits of” a mental disorder, it means that they felt you did not meet the criteria for a full diagnosis at that time, most likely for one of five reasons:

You didn’t have enough symptoms to meet the minimum required for the diagnosis, or you were missing a key symptom that is required to make that diagnosis.

Your symptoms are not severe enough to warrant a diagnosis; they do not cause significant disruption or impairment in your daily life. 

Your symptoms only occur in one specific context (eg. you have symptoms at school, but not at home, work or with friends), or your symptoms are a side effect of medication or intoxication. 

Your symptoms have not been going on long enough to meet the criteria for the diagnosis, they don’t occur frequently enough to make the diagnosis, you have long symptom-free periods that negate the diagnosis, or your symptoms did not appear at an age consistent with the onset of that diagnosis.

You sort of meet the criteria for the diagnosis, but there is a different diagnosis that does a much better job of explaining your symptoms (this is sometimes listed as a “differential diagnosis”, rather than “traits of X”).

A report stating that a person has “traits of” a certain disorder or “features of” a disorder is actually extremely common. I’ve probably read more than thousand psych reports at this point in my career, and it’s quite normal for phrasing like that to appear on them. Usually, this is actually a sign that the person is being rather thorough - they are noting that they considered ADHD as a possible diagnosis but ultimately could not make the diagnosis for some reason or other. As I said, other reports may format this differently, and include a list of “differential diagnoses” in the conclusion - this is a list of diagnoses that they considered but ultimately ruled out for one reason or another. 

Unfortunately, learning that you have “traits” of a disorder doesn’t really tell us much, especially without seeing the full psych report. Maybe you didn’t have ADHD then, but you have since developed it. Maybe you don’t have it and never did. Maybe you have some other sort of executive dysfunction or disorder that explains your symptoms, but it was missed the last time around. Maybe a diagnosis of ADHD was warranted back then, and still is. Maybe you only have ADHD symptoms in a specific context, which would make you ineligible for diagnosis but suggests there is something going on that needs to be addressed. I don’t know enough about your case to know for sure. All that I know is that the only way to be sure if you have ADHD - or any other mental disorder that you may be concerned about - is to seek a second opinion and get another assessment done. 

(I’m going to give some clarification about what having “traits of” a disorder means for other readers who may have similar questions. You should know, though, that ADHD is actually slightly different than other disorders like BPD that you may have “traits of” - ADHD is a neurological condition that responds to medication, and if you are given ADHD medication when you don’t actually have ADHD, you are going to notice pretty quickly that you’ve been misdiagnosed. If you calm down and get more sleep while taking what is effectively speed, you can be pretty sure that ADHD is the correct diagnosis for you. People with other disorders like depression, agoraphobia, PTSD and BPD don’t have the same kind of litmus test available for their diagnosis.)

It’s important to remember that everyone has traits of at least one diagnosable disorder - most people will have traits of several. Some people are more easily distractible than others, some people have more trouble sleeping, some people are naturally low-energy or feel more intense emotions. If you browse through a copy of the DSM-V, you are going to find some stuff in there that sounds like it applies to you. Nobody has perfect mental health, especially in their teens and early 20s. But most people do not meet the criteria for the diagnosis of a mental disorder.

This is where we have to think critically about what a diagnosis actually is, why we do it, and what it actually means. Diagnosing a psychological disorder is not like diagnosing a medical disorder, where we can do some blood tests and scans and know exactly what a person has. Psychological diagnoses are always subjective, to some extent - we made categories to describe common clusters of behaviours and symptoms, and we decided where to draw the line between “someone who is just quirky” and “someone who needs formal psychological treatment”. Where exactly we draw that line has always been the subject of debate. 

We could make it so that everyone who has any sort of mental health flaw at all gets diagnosed with a disorder, but that sort of defeats the point of diagnosis - if almost everyone on earth has a diagnosis, then a diagnosis effectively becomes meaningless. There’s no longer meaningful distinction between “someone with an overactive imagination” and “someone with treatment-resistant psychosis” - it all just gets slapped with the same diagnosis. It can also lead us to “medicalize” behaviours that might not need to be “medicalized”. After all, if we diagnose someone, we need to do something about that diagnosis. Diagnosing them means we’ve identified that they need some sort of treatment or intervention. But do all quirks in human behavior really need to be ironed out with treatment? Do we really want to build a world where everyone who falls outside a very rigid definition of mental health gets told that they have something wrong with them? Likewise, if we make diagnosis too restrictive, that’s not good either. Now we have the opposite problem - if we make the criteria for a diagnosis too strict and too narrow, we miss people who might seriously benefit from having treatment. If we say “you need to be severely suicidal before we can diagnose you with depression”, we’re going to overlook a lot of non-suicidal people whose depressive symptoms are ruining their lives, and who could be treated if we just recognized them as depressed. If we are only diagnosing and helping the most severe of the severe cases, we aren’t really making good use of the tools available to us and diagnosis once again becomes basically meaningless, because not having one is no longer a good indicator of whether or not you need help. 

Diagnosis is a balancing act, and there are a lot of people who fall in kind of a grey area where it’s not totally clear if we should be diagnosing them or not. People are complicated, and they rarely fit neatly into categories. If we have a twenty-year-old girl who experiments with drugs, has a lot of short-term and casual dating relationships that end poorly, struggles to make and keep friends, and doesn’t really have a stable sense of who she is and what she wants, does she have BPD? Or is she just a normal 20-year-old? How would we decide? If we diagnose her, we might be pathologizing behaviour that isn’t really all that unusual for her age group, and making her feel like she’s defective for struggling with things that are pretty normal for someone her age to be struggling with; diagnosing her could make her believe that she’s incapable of healthy relationships, which could become a self-fulfilling prophecy. On the other hand, if we don’t diagnose her, we could be missing the fact that she does actually have a fairly serious disorder, and depriving her of the chance to get life-changing treatment that might help her develop the healthier, more fulfilling relationships that she has been missing out on. We could be leaving her to deal with her destructive behaviours on her own, without having any of the language or tools she needs to disrupt those patterns. 

If you’ve been assessed by a mental health professional and you have questions about how they reached the conclusions they did, I encourage you to ask questions and have an open conversation about your symptoms, possible treatments and needs. If you don’t feel that they have a good understanding of your case, I highly encourage you to get a second opinion on your diagnosis from another professional. Whenever possible, seek a diagnosis from someone who specializes in mental health - this should be a psychologist or psychiatrist (or in some cases, a neurologist), and not a general practitioner or family doctor (some family doctors can diagnose and treat basic depression, but even then, you should seek a referral to a specialist for further treatment and assessment). Also remember that diagnosis does not have to be a barrier to seeking therapy - anyone can get therapy, even if they do not meet the criteria for a psychological diagnosis, and everyone can benefit from seeking out a therapist to improve their coping skills, social skills, and general mental health.  Hope this answers your question! MM