#i’m a cat because I like cats.. I just made james a canine because I don’t care enough

[non4ry]

mama a girl behind you

[dearharriet]

hi lovely ! it's milunalupin :)

could i please request remus + "i waited for you" ? 🫶🏼✨

hello my friend, ty for the request!! im working on my big boy fic for james rn but i wanted a little bit of remus as a break <3 (wc: 691)

“You smell good.”

Remus looks at the man taking a seat across from him, appalled by such a comment. Sirius looks equally stunned saying it, wrinkled nose a mirror of Remus’.

“Thank you?”

Sirius shakes his head like this is the wrong response.

“Why do you smell good?”

Remus rolls his eyes, keeping his posture aloof. “Took my annual bath last night.”

Sirius scoffs. “‘Bout time. Your stench was getting harsh on my delicate canine senses.”

That pulls a laugh from Remus, however small.

By the door, he sees you squeezing into the packed pub, side-stepping between rowdy groups of people and looking around. You’re wearing a mid-length skirt, and when you spot the two boys in their booth it swishes around each hasty step.

“Hi,” you breathe, “I’m sorry. They made me start inventory and then I just had to shower and—” Remus stands to offer you some seclusion via the walled side of the bench seat. You wave your rambling apologies away, winded from running around all day. “Nevermind. I need a drink, Remus. Come with?”

“Sit,” he demands softly, “I’ll fetch it.”

You do as you’re told, hanging onto Remus’ words like a takeout fortune, foolishly hopeful that they mean something. If Sirius didn’t demand so much attention, you’d probably turn them over in your head a lot longer, but he really, really does.

“Think you can show us lads up, eh missy?”

Smothering a smile, you stare Sirius down with false bluntness.

“Yep. You’re lucky I even came at all, honestly.”

Sirius laughs, spinning his glass, half empty and through sweating. You realize his drink is the only one on the table.

“I’m surprised you did. You’re so popular, but you stay humble for us.”

“I have to,” you agree, “I could’ve been with people a lot cooler than you guys, but I just felt so bad. You and Remus don’t have anyone else to hang out with now that James is married.”

“Moony, we’re being bullied,” says Sirius, raising his voice a touch to reach the boy in question. Remus places two new drinks on the maple tabletop, sliding in close to you.

“I’m sure we deserve it,” he says, passing one of the fresh glasses off to you. “We’re turning into losers.”

You bring the cool glass to your lips, relaxing further into the familiar booth cushion and eyeing Remus’ new drink.

“Is that your second?”

Remus shakes his head. “My first.”

He tracks your brows as they pull together. They’d been here almost a half hour already.

“I waited for you,” he explains, smiling gently. Your stomach leaps.

“You didn’t have to do that.”

Sirius jumps in, stepping on Remus’ toes.

“That’s what I told him,” he says, “I said you’re too sweet to mind.”

“Don’t listen to him,” Remus says, following up Sirius’ heel. His voice is still wearing the crooning silk he tends to direct towards you. “It’s the polite thing to do. Sirius just has poor manners.”

Across the way, the man in question sputters objections while you try not to laugh.

“I—I’m impolite? I’m impolite! Please. She’s the only one at this table who was late to a hangout one block away from her apartment. I had every right to drink my sorrows away.”

Remus ducks his head and shoots you a cat-like grin, but Sirius isn’t done.

“And it’s not being polite if you’re motivated by a massive crush, Moony, by the way. D’you know he’s wearing cologne?”

You stare at Sirius, because the alternative of looking at Remus (who is flushed beyond measure) is akin to a death sentence.

“Yes,” you admit. You’d smelled it on him when he stood up earlier, a fresh earthy scent that was too sharp to be soap. Sirius points at your face like he’s caught you.

“See? The only people who notice a guy wearing cologne are his miserable best mates, and girls who want to be waited on.” Remus shoots him a glare and he throws his hands up as if to say, sue me. “I’m just helping.”

Remus curses through an exhale and drops his head into his hands.

+

thank you for reading! xx

masterlist

join the celebration! 🩷

[luthienebonyx]

I’ve been meaning to do some more Jaime x Brienne recs for a while, and since I’m trying to decide what to write next, it seemed like a good time to talk about other people’s fic.

Alright, outta sight - by Samirant

Author's summary: Ain’t no party like a Lannister party (whether you meant to invite a Lannister or not).

This is a medical AU where Brienne the doctor and Jaime the cardiologist have been working together at the same hospital for a number of years. When the story starts, Brienne thinks their relationship is one of professionalism but personal dislike. However, when Jaime learns, firstly, that Brienne is planning a small house-warming party, and secondly, that she and Hyle broke up some time ago, he takes over the planning for the party and… well. See the author's summary.

The story is mostly the story of the party, but that description does not in any way do this story justice. It has some wonderful characterisation, some laugh-out-loud humour, and great little shout-outs to canon - like Ironborn vodka - but at its core it's a lovely, warm true-feeling story about two people finding each other. But yes, it's also the story of a legendary party.

(This is the only WIP on this list. The main part of the story is complete, with only the epilogue still to be posted.)

Evenfall - by @aviss​

Author's summary: Jaime had never intended to get back to active duty, he was happily retired. Now he has no choice, someone has to pay for taking her from him.

This is part of Aviss's Spies Like Us series. Brienne is a female James Bond, Jaime is a former spy who is now the Quartermaster (ie. Q), and the plot of this one is influenced fairly heavily by Skyfall. Jaime and Brienne are in a relationship - they even have cats, so it's pretty serious ;) - but haven't formalised anything. Fairly early on, Brienne is injured and presumed dead, and Jaime resigns and decides to go and seek vengeance.

If you are in the mood to wallow in angst, this is the fic for you! This story hit all my angst buttons and wouldn't let up. There is some nicely done comfort at the end to balance out the hurt, too.

I will always hold you close, but I will learn to let you go  - by angel_deux aka @angel-deux-writes​ 

Author's summary: Jaime is gravely wounded in the battle against the dead. When he thinks he's dying, he kisses Brienne.

After, he heals, kept asleep with milk of the poppy. Brienne worries about what will happen when he wakes up.

This is a very internal sort of story, with a terrific Brienne POV. Brienne’s thoughts and emotions go round and round, always so painfully, brutally honest with herself that sometimes she ends up getting things completely wrong. As usual for angel_deux’s fic, there are some great turns of phrase in this, with complex emotions being conveyed concisely but with deadly accuracy.

Little talks - by robotsdance 

Author's summary: Brienne isn’t at Winterfell when Jaime arrives. She isn’t there to vouch for him and he’s sentenced to die by dragonfire. Brienne returns just in time to make sure that doesn’t happen, but she doesn’t want to talk about it.

She doesn’t want to talk to Jaime at all.

Finding a story that is deeply romantic without being sappy is one of those things that makes my day, and this story perfectly fits that description. It's an AU take on the beginning of Season 8, after Jaime arrives at Winterfell. What happens after Brienne returns just in the nick of time to save Jaime is… well, deeply romantic, perfectly in-character for both of them, and not at all sappy. The visual image of the scene right after Brienne returns is one that's going to stay in my head for a long time.

Living Proof - by @hardlyfatal​  

Author's summary: In the middle of a war, with brutality and bloodshed overwhelming what little kindness and safety can be found, she meets a man who is everything she admires and respects. And it’s not the man she thinks it will be.

This is a MASH style AU, set during the Korean War. Brienne is a nurse and Jaime is a helicopter pilot. This is just beautifully characterised, with painfully honest emotions, a slow burn romance, and a storyline that does not flinch from the brutal reality for medical personnel in the midst of a war. There were parts of this that I went back to re-read immediately after finishing a chapter because they really did just sort of take me captive as a reader.

The Lord and the Selkie - by Roccolinde aka @firesign23​ 

Author's summary: On the west coast of Westeros, there stood a castle, known far and wide as Casterly Rock, overlooking the Sunset Sea. The lord of this castle, Lord Tywin, had three children: The Golden Lion, Ser Jaime, was brave; his twin The Beautiful Maid, Lady Cersei, was cunning; and The Unwanted One, Lord Tyrion, was learned. Together, they might have come to rule Westeros as their Lord Father intended, a final wish made from his deathbed. But then Ser Jaime met the selkie, and their paths were forever altered.

This is told in the style of a fairytale. Brienne is a selkie searching for her lost brother. Eventually, her search brings her to Casterly Rock, where she meets Jaime, and their romance plays out in the style of a fairytale, too. 

I love everything about this; the characters meld perfectly into the fairytale setting and it all just works. There are some great little shout-outs to canon in this, including this one when Jaime and Brienne first meet:

but though Ser Jaime was wise in chivalry, he was foolish in the ways of sense, and so exclaimed with some surprise, “The ghost of Casterly is a woman?” 

Measure in Love - by @dancinginthecenteroftheworld​ 

Author's summary: Brienne Tarth isn't wild about the new building that's been built across her office, blocking her view of Blackwater Bay. But what she really doesn't expect the gorgeous nudist who moves in or the chaos he brings into her life.

Yeah, one guess who the nudist is. ;)

This is a slow burn modern AU. Brienne and Jaime first see each other through their respective windows, and then meet properly at the gym run by Sandor Clegane. I really enjoyed the pacing of this story, and the way initial hostility slowly changes over time. The ways in which the various canon characters pop up in different roles in Brienne's life is also really well done.

Once it ends, so it begins - by nubbins_for_all 

Author's summary: Brienne doesn’t care why it’s cold. She just knows it’s really fucking cold.

A quiet evening between the Lady of Winterfell and her sworn shield, with ruminations on sex, love, and dealing with everything being awful.

This is part of a series (Winter isn't goin' nowhere) where winter doesn't end after the Long Night, and so Dany and the northern army are stuck at Winterfell, while Cersei is stuck in the south.

The main part of this story takes the form of a long conversation between Brienne and Sansa one night, interspersed with mostly-dialogue flashbacks of scenes between Brienne and Jaime. 

I love how this story explores these two relationships side by side, with Brienne as the linchpin. All the characterisations are very on point. I can believe very much in this version of Sansa, after everything she's been through, and I love Brienne's awkwardness at what is basically a slumber party for two. Brienne is thoughtful and considering as Sansa’s sworn sword, and self-doubting when Sansa needs her half-forgotten girly side, but also gets better and better at giving Jaime as good as she gets. Also, Jaime's dialogue is so very Jaime, and he makes the dialogue-only flashbacks really shine. 

Ser Goldenpaws and the Wench - by Libkat   

Author's summary: It's the Lady and the Tramp AU that nobody wanted.

This is Jaime and Brienne in a Lady and the Tramp fusion, where they're golden retrievers. In this case, Jaime is the prize-winning, much-loved golden retriever, Ser Goldenpaws, and Brienne is the lost golden retriever living on the streets who won't divulge her name, so Jaime calls her the Wench.

Brienne and Jaime are somehow still recognisably in-character AND very canine in the way they think. I'm not quite sure how the author has achieved that balance (major kudos!), but it works really well. This is not as light and fluffy as you might expect, and goes to some relatively dark places at times, before everything works out the way a story like this should.

The Tides - by @slipsthrufingers​   

Author's summary: Jaime Lannister, recently missing a hand, a white cloak and his purpose in life, is sent to Tarth to decide whether the Lannisters will loan them the gold they so desperately need to thwart a disaster. He expects to negotiate with the Evenstar, but is stuck with the dour daughter instead.

This is the type of story where a lot happens, in terms of characters and relationship development, while not a lot is actually happening, in terms of plot points. It's intensely character-focused, and the author's style is beautifully descriptive, which fits the quiet atmosphere of a lot of the story.

You will never think of a medieval marble mine in the same way again after reading this story. ;)

Banner by @ao3commentoftheday​

[baroquebucky]

forgotten birthdays and puppies

Everyone in the compound forgets it’s your birthday, so you get a puppy. But bucky is determined to do the most.

some angst and v fluffyyyyy pls request something !!

————-

You woke up disoriented, forgetting what day it was for a second. Last nights mission was a whole mess, but so was every other one honestly. You checked your phone from next to your pillow, a few texts from friends back home texting at 2 am long paragraphs and some from 30 minutes ago.

Silently smiling and replying something sweet to each of your friends you slipped out of your bed and headed out from your room. Your hair was messy from sleeping with it loose and somewhat wet, in an oversized shirt and some shorts. You felt a bubble of excitement grow in your belly as you saw your hero friends, expecting them to burst out yelling happy birthday. But to your disappointment nothing happened, they were all chatting not even aware of your presence.

‘It’s okay they’re just tired from last night’ you comforted yourself holding back the lump you felt growing. You smiled to yourself and made your way to the kitchen, sliding with your fuzzy socks across the hard wood floor.

“You’re gonna get hurt one day y’know” the groggy voice spoke from behind you, startled you slipped and almost fell, luckily you caught yourself on the table near you.

“Good thing I’m young and a slip won’t break my back huh Barnes” you quipped back smiling at him. His blue eyes somehow sparkling despite the fatigue ever-present on his face, hair messy but silky in a small bun you called it the raddish because it was so tiny.

As you made breakfast not one person wished you happy birthday, not even bucky. Not that he had to, i mean you weren’t dating so whatever right? I mean sure we flirt here and there, and everywhere, but still, not dating. Yet. You were so caught up you didn’t notice Wanda talking to you about some guy she met that she claimed was ‘maybe the one’ which she had said about the last three. You nodded and said “no way” here and there. The conversation ended, and no ‘happy birthday!’ she was your best friend you know you had told her it was your birthday today.

You put your plate in the sink and went back to your room, the lump in your throat making its way closer to its escape. No way, you weren’t crying on your birthday. You got changed and headed out, you were gonna be happy and make this memorable. You walked out of the compound with confidence, but once you stepped out into the busy streets, your confidence blew away with the winds of New York and you shyly walking towards who knows what.

After a good hour of walking around and buying a few small things to decorate your room with or to just mess with you cane across an animal shelter. “Don’t do it, no you can’t” you scolded yourself as your feet made its way inside the shelter, pushing open the double doors. The smell hit your nose and you smiled, embracing it instead of scrunching up your nose. An expected mixture of dog, cat, and cleaning product.

“Hello! How can I help you today” the guy at the front desk asked you, a charming smile sent your way. “Uhm, do you have any dogs? Well, of course you do but can i see some?” You said face palming mentally, way to go Y/N.

“Of course! Right this way” he smiled and led you to the dog section of the shelter. “Feel free to look around, if you wanna play with one of these guys let me know” he smiled and went back to sitting down. “I’m Dorian by the way” he said before leaving the hall.

Slowly you walked by each kennel, giving every dog your utmost attention. Baby talking to each of them. It is your birthday isn’t it? You tapped your foot debating if you should get one of these babies and deal with tony later. Fuck it. You smiled and went up to the front, “uh Dorian? can i adopt one of the dogs?” You asked shyly tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. “Of course! Who’s the lucky guy that gets to go home with a beautiful girl like you?” He smiled at you.

There was a dog that had caught your eye, he was brown and had a black snout and ears and a tail to match. “the little guy with the black nose and tail” you beamed at him, “he’s gonna get big ya know that right? He’s a mix of a lot of things” he informed you. “You think i can’t handle him?” You teased as he became flustered. “I- I didn’t mean it like that-“ you laughed “I’m kidding man.” He smiled at you and proceeded to lead you to your soon to be sons kennel.

“Usually people have to wait a few days for the dog to be ready but this puppy is all ready surprisingly.” Dorian apple as he came back with your new puppy. “okay yeah that’s amazing.” You spoke bouncing on your heels making grabby hands to your new puppy. “What are you gonna name him?” He asked as you filled out the paper work. You thought about it for a while. “Ace. He’s the only puppy in his litter with his markings, one of a kind.” You said setting down the pen and looking at the puppy in your arm, almost smiling up at you.

As you walked into the local pet store and bought the necessary supplies you called an Uber and headed to the compound. You were gonna get killed by tony. You were too excited to care though, this little furball in your hands made this birthday into a much better thing.

As you entered the compound and snuck to your room you set the supplies down, quickly puppy proofing your room. “Okay here’s the deal, it’s my birthday, I’m not supposed to have you, but in my defense no one told me happy birthday.” You said firmly to Ace as he cocked his head to the side and then continued smiling at you. A knock at your door startled you, and Ace too as he barked.

“Y/N? Is that you?” Oh no, Tony. “Uh yeah sorry i was, practicing my barks. Gotta throw people of their rhythm you know?” You cringed as the words left your mouth. Running to open the door before he could open it all the way. “What’s up?” You asked your body covering the bed where ace laid, or so you thought.

“I just thought you wanted to join the team for movie night? I think Thor is picking the movie....” he trailed off eyes wandering down to your feet. You felt your soul leave your body. “Is that, is that a puppy?” Tony said every word becoming louder. You quickly picked up your companion and rushed you into the living room, “i can explain i swear” you said sweating already fearing having to give up this canine you claimed as your son.

“I told you NO DOGS, you’re too smart to make an idiotic mistake like this Y/N.” Tony said visibly angry shouting, causing the team to surround you two. “How do you expect me to live here isolated from everyone? You know i love dogs and you take that from me too?” You yelled right back, small barks erupting from ace as you shouted.

“I don’t get why you’re so impulsive maybe if it was your birthday this would be acceptable but it’s not!” He scolded you, and that’s when the lump in your throat bursted out. Voice cracking and tears flowing “it is my birthday you prick” you furrowed your eyebrows and everyone around you get shocked and disappointed in themselves for forgetting.

After spending a few hours setting up aces things in your room and crying for half of it. You hear a gentle knock on your door. You get up, careful to not wake ace, and you look to see who it is. Bucky Barnes. The one man you had fallen in love with but no one seemed to notice. Not even him. Your clock read 2:46 a.m. and you slowly opened the door as he stood there with guilt on his face. “I’m sorry i forgot, i didn’t know and i know it’s technically over but can i try and make it up?” He said making eye contact a few times and fiddling with his fingers. You smiled, your heart melting, how could you say no? As you walked down the shirt hall you saw some candles light their way to the table which had your favorite cupcake with a single candle in the middle, a small bag next to it and a note.

“Buck you didn’t have to do this” you said tears welling in your eyes as you started in awe. “Just read please” he said in a shaky voice.

hi y/n,

I know everyone forgot about today, but i promise i didn’t mean to. You mean so much to me, more than you can imagine. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on doll, you always make me stutter and somehow i turn into a blushy mess. Everyday you look so beautiful and you take my breath away. You don’t realize how much you mean to this team and to everyone around it. I realized it when we all went stargazing and they were all messing around but you kept everyone together, and as a team we admired the stars as you named each constellation and gave facts about them. I realized when you solved so many things with your common sense that none of us apparently have. I realized when you cried over killing a plant because you gave it too much water, or how you broke the TV because tony would change the SPCA commercial and then you stole his debit card and donated $20,000 dollars as a “reparation for emotional damage.” I didn’t just realize this. I realized i was in love with you. All the things you do, from how you type on your phone to how you focus on your work and you’re so gentle with the things you love and you can be so forward with someone. I’m in love with you, and i hope i can spend your birthday with you. Because on this day that you were born, the birds sung, stars shone and flowers bloomed. - bucky barnes

You teared up. “Bucky you really mean all that?” You felt the hot tears flow down your cheeks. Smiling and snuggling up at him. “Every damn word doll.” He smiled. You hugged him and you stayed there for a while, your head on his chest arms around his torso as he kissed the top of your head, arms wrapped around you. “Open the bag sweetheart” he said as he pulled away reluctantly. You smiled and opened the bag. Inside was a box. You opened it and inside was a ring you had been talking about for months.

“No way- you didn’t, tell me you did not James Barnes” you spoke in disbelief as the ring shined even in the dim candle lit space. Bucky smiled at you proud of himself as you jumped around with the ring. “I know you said you wanted it really badly and that when you got it you knew that ‘you had made it’ and let me tell you, you definaltly made it, saving the world and helping everyone.” He smiled as you slipped the ring on admiring it once more. You beamed up at him, practically glowing. Even with your slightly puffy eyes, and your hoodie and shorts you looked gorgeous to Bucky.

“How do i even repay you?” You asked hugging him once more. He smiled at you “it’s your birthday, nothing to repay.” You wanted to just marry this man on the spot. ‘Just ask me out already I’m in love with you’ you sighed as you blew out the small candle on the cupcake. “Maybe i will” Bucky smirked as your blood rushes from your face, “did i say that out loud” you closed your eyes hoping you didn’t say that out loud. “You did doll” he said leaning closer to you, you could feel the heat radiating off his body. He ticked a strand of hair behind your ear as he slowly leaned down and your lips connected. Fireworks was an understatement, it was magical, as cheesy as it is you felt like you were floating. That was until you heard something barking ‘ferociously’ at bucky. You both pulled away to see ace standing between you two, barking at Bucky standing protectively on you your feet.

You both laughed as Ace calmed down when you picked him up, “he’s a good guy buddy, we love Bucky in this house” you smiled as the puppy relaxed and licked Buckys face. “I think he likes me now” he smiled petting the dog gently. “We have good taste” you winked at bucky as a small blush reached his cheeks.

After splitting the cupcake and watching the sunrise together with ace, you yawned and were about to go to your bed when bucky grabbed your wrist and pulled you into his body, kissing you. His hands cupped your cheeks and your hands tangled into his hair. You stopped when you ran out of breath, smiling at each other you stepped away and patted your thigh “cmon buddy” you said to Ace as he followed you back to your room. Your face was hot and you couldn’t stop smiling.

“Y/N!” Bucky called out, you turned around to face him. “Will you be my girl?” He asked shyly.

you smiled and nodded “of course i will James.” I guess some bad birthdays have an amazing ending. You walked with ace as you smiled and he wagged his tail.

[melodiouswhite]

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde rewritten - Ch. 20

20. Mr. Hyde hatches heinous plans

“The treats are delicious!”, Jekyll cried in delight. “Absolutely divine! You must tell me who your baker is!”

Lady Summers giggled, her ice blue eyes gleaming with satisfaction. “I have none. Marie made them.”

The doctor gaped at her. “Your nurse? You're joking.”

“Not at all. This weekend it's her turn to cook, so she baked little raspberry tarts. They're my favourite. Don't you know that the Austrians are renowned for their bakery?”

He shook his head and suddenly felt a bit uneducated.

She smirked sardonically and sipped her hot chocolate. “That's one of the few things they do right.”

Jekyll almost choked on his tea.

I always forget that she's Prussian, he thought.

The noblewoman held her hand to her forehead and sighed melodramatically: “Well, no matter how hard I try to be British, I suppose they will never take the Prussian out of me! What a tragic fate! What pain! How will I ever be able to fit in and be accepted-”

“Oh my god, please stop!”, Jekyll giggled, “I won't be able to stay a gentleman, if you keep being so dramatic!”

Her grin turned mischievous. “Oh, but Doctor, that is the plan!”, she revealed with a wink. “To loosen you up for a while to give you a break from your act!”

The taller blond smiled. “It's certainly easier to be a gentleman, now that you're my therapist.”

The small Prussian smiled back. “It feels good to get your worries off your chest, doesn't it?”

“Most certainly”, Jekyll agreed.

“How is Mr. Hyde?”

“Eh, you know. Being his usual troublesome self.”

“Hey! I heard that!”, Hyde protested.

Lady Summers chuckled: “I see, you still act like an old married couple.”

The doctor shrugged. “Well, I'm a bachelor, so I don't know what a married couple acts like.”

“It has its ups and downs”, she replied. “Sometimes I wonder how my marriage with James would have been, if he was still alive-”

Her mouth snapped shut. Then she facepalmed. “By Apollo, I have done it again!”

“It's fine”, Jekyll hurried to assure her. “You're a widow, it would be stranger if you didn't get sentimental from time to time.”

“Yes … I suppose you're right.”

“I had a very eventful New Year's celebration”, he changed the topic to lighten her mood.

It worked.

She read his mind and giggled: “Oh, you two sure had! Are you still bitter that Mr. Utterson refused to kiss you both on Christmas and on New Year?”

Jekyll pouted. “What ever gave you that idea?”, he muttered.

There was no point in flat out denying it. He was bitter about it.

If Gabriel hadn't resolved to not do anything, before he loved both him and Hyde, the lawyer would have kissed him. Of that he was convinced.

“Why am I always your fucking scapegoat?!”, Hyde barked in outrage.

“Please don't start a cat fight in front of me”, Lady Summers intervened. “It makes me feel awkward.”

“I'm sorry”, Jekyll apologised. “It's just that I'm so extremely frustrated.”

“Doctor”, the Lady said and took his hand, “It's not just because of his promise, that he doesn't want to take it even so far with you yet. He has literally no experience with this. Do you have the faintest idea how long he has been pining for you? Pining is all he's familiar with. It's just so sudden for him, that your relationship has changed that much in so little time.”

His eyes widened. That had never crossed his mind. But it already had been over a month! Was that really not long enough for the lawyer?

“It's not enough”, she answered. “You're forgetting that he's much more apprehensive towards emotional matters than you are. It's not his field and he has yet to figure things out between the two of you – and of course with Mr. Hyde.”

“That doesn't make it any better”, Jekyll muttered. “He says and does things with Hyde he never did with me.”

“You're jealous.”

“Yes.”

“Doctor, he didn't expect to find Hyde, when he had the courage to come out onto your balcony, despite his acrophobia. He did it for you. It was just convenient for him and Lanyon, because this way he got to wish a happy new year to both of you.”

“But …”

“You're not turning this into a competition, are you?” Her previously friendly tone turned cold. “You're not going to compete for who will have Mr. Utterson's firsts?”

Jekyll felt a shudder run down his spine. “I … I have no such intention, really! I don't see him as a prize.”

Her face relaxed just a little. “Good. That answer just saved you. I was this close to-”

“Hitting me like that one time I falsely accused you of being a snob?”, he guessed.

She shrugged. “Kind of. I was going to kick you where the sun doesn't shine.”

“THAT'S EVEN WORSE!!!”, both he and Hyde responded mentally.

He wanted to keep his nether regions intact, thank you very much.

She leaned back into her rocking chair. “Remember this, should you two ever get competitive”, she advised.

Then she took on a butter wouldn't melt kind of smile. “Do you want the last raspberry tart? Or another cup of tea?”

When Hyde left the house that night, he was exhilarated.

So Utterson was completely untouched and innocent in that regard? Ohhhh, this would be so fun! Normally Hyde didn't like to bang virgins. They needed tenderness and carefulness, something he hated. He wanted his partners to be tough.

But maybe he would make an exception for this one!

“HYDE, NO!!!”, Jekyll screamed in his head. “Have you forgotten-”

“Aw, but the Lady and Lanyon aren't here, are they? Besides, thinking is not forbidden!”

“I will not let you hurt him!”

“Oh, who said that I'll hurt him? The only person I'll hurt is you!”

“Don't speak too soon, Hyde.” Jekyll's voice was a growl.

The brunette cackled: “I wonder how you would handle it, if I get his first kiss – or even his first time! – and not you! Oh, this is going to be so fun! I can hardly wait!”

Jekyll's anger was so intense, that Hyde could feel it pulsate through his veins and endanger his control over the body.

“Edward Hyde, if you force yourself on him, I will destroy us both, before either Lanyon or even Lady Summers-”

The young man giggled: “Calm down, Jekyll! I won't force anything upon him. That would be cheating now, wouldn't it?”

His grin became broader, revealing his abnormally sharp canines.

Yes … it'll be so much sweeter, if your beloved lawyer wants me to be his first …

[lilydeerwrites]

A Muggle Studies Moment: 2

The Gryffindor Common Room was buzzing with quiet activity as groups of students chatted softly over notes and books. It was that time of the year when exams were imminent. Lily and Remus were surrounded by books and papers. A floating teapot steamed as both students absently sipped tea. Remus had charmed it to stay warm and refill their cups as needed. Lily filed that knowledge away for later experimentation. They had started out on a sofa, but their notes and books began to spread out to the point that it became necessary to move down to the floor. Now, Peter was sprawled out behind them, occasionally asking for help with his Charms work.

The arrival of James and Sirius was heralded by the sound of running feet and laughter. When they entered the Common Room, several pairs of eyes gazed at them reproachfully.

“Oi, Padfoot ... why is it so quiet in here?” James whispered urgently.

Sirius shrugged. “Exams, I guess?”

“Exams?” James glanced at Remus, Lily, and Peter. “Exams. Yeah. I suppose I should probably ... do that.”

Sirius let himself flop inelegantly to the ground beside Remus, causing some of his notes to flutter. His teacup rattled indignantly.

Just when he was about to be annoyed, Sirius burrowed close, hugging his knee so awkwardly he had to chuckle instead. He gave the shaggy hair a gentle pat.

James looked as though he would very much like to do the same to Lily, but fortunately for him, thought better of it and sat beside Peter on the couch.

“Shove over a bit, would you, Pete? I suppose I should do a bit of review. Accio my Charms book!”

James’ book came hurtling down from the dorm in a manner very similar to its owner.

“What were you two off doing anyway?” Peter asked

James shrugged. “A bit of research. For Muggle Studies,” he said, a little too nonchalantly.

Lily cocked her head and narrowed her eyes. “What sort of horrible Muggle-Magical hybrid did you two unleash? I haven’t forgotten when you charmed the outdated, terribly stereotypical Muggle outfits to have a walkabout.”

Sirius rolled onto his back, his proud smile at the memory so genuine it actually made Lily want to give him a pat on the head as well. Remus might be the werewolf, but sometimes, she thought privately, his boyfriend was positively canine.

“Those clothes were so stodgy. Like all of the Muggles are going about dressed like that! I know Muggle fashion and all I had to do was pay a bit of attention,” he said.

Lily nodded her agreement. Sirius could make a band t-shirt, ripped jeans, and a blazer look like he should be on a runway. Not that she would tell him that. His head was already big enough. He looked adoringly up at Remus, who blushed and let his arm rest across the other boy’s chest.

Instead, she said, “You do know that most Muggles don’t go about dressed like David Bowie and Freddie Mercury, right?”

Still grinning at the memory of stodgy old Muggle clothes having a stroll and then a waltz around the classroom, Sirius replied, “Only the cool ones.”

“Pads, your arse is on my Charms book. That can’t be comfortable,” Remus raised an eyebrow, then rolled his eyes. “Unless of course you’re actively trying to get me to reach for it. Attention hog.”

Sirius, who was once again wearing Remus’ oversized rust-colored jumper sighed happily. “I love how well you know me.”

Ever since Remus had given him the sweater when he had been hurt, Sirius found reason after reason to wear it. Remus had complained that when he wore the jumper it made him look shabby, but somehow made Sirius look artfully disheveled.

Her attention drifted to James, whose eyes flickered studiously across the pages of his Charms book. He hadn’t asked her out once since the incident around the holidays, and she was annoyed that this bothered her. Maybe he was embarrassed that she had seen him so upset? Sirius had been much worse off, and he didn’t seem awkward about it. If anything, he had started spending more time with her, gotten to know her, told her she was pretty, and thanked her a few dozen times for aiding in his rescue. Remus explained later that Sirius liked positive attention so much himself that he could go a bit overboard when he was trying to make someone feel good about themselves. She hadn’t minded.

She sighed, shut the book, and stretched her arms. “I need a moment. My brains are turning to mush.” She leaned back against the sofa, eyes closed, and felt the back of her head brush James’ knee. He tensed, but didn’t pull away.

Hmmm. Interesting. She decided to file the information away. Maybe he was over her? Embarrassed? Under orders from his friends to behave like a human being? If she asked the other Marauders, they would certainly tell James that she had asked, but maybe that wouldn’t be so bad?

She felt a wad of paper hit her face, then another. She opened her eyes to see the papery bird-creature Marlene had accidentally transfigured Lily’s essay into earlier in the year. The awful thing had been flapping about the Common Room ever since, letting out its mysteriously-appearing paper droppings at will. She had long since rewritten and turned in the essay, but the fact that she had not been able to stop the essay-bird was infuriating.

Peter had seen what happened, and he chortled gleefully. “That thing’s just had a dump on your forehead, Evans! I thought you and Marlene stopped it weeks ago.”

Lily sat up, glaring at the flappy, papery thing. “We put it in a bin, but it escaped. Marls dumped water on it yesterday, but it’s made a full recovery since. She swears she doesn’t know what went wrong to make it this way.”

Stirring his tea thoughtfully, Remus asked, “In some cultures, it’s good luck for a bird to have a poo on you.”

Lily raised an eyebrow at him and he hastily changed his direction. ”Have you asked McGonagall? I’d imagine she could stop the little pest.”

James laughed. “Can you imagine if she went after it in cat form? I’d pay to see that!”

Sirius was looking way too thoughtful, as though he was trying to engineer exactly how to have that happen. She envisioned his brain looking like a Rube Goldberg design on the inside. “Minnie could do it, that’s for sure.”

“The point is that it was my essay and I want to figure it out,” she said firmly. “It’s not hurting anyone. It’s just occasionally annoying. Rather like you lot, these days,” she said, her tone more affectionate than critical.

She stretched again, then pulled her book back into her lap. “What were you two up to earlier? What type of research were you doing?”

James turned a bit pink. “Nothing important. Not a prank, if that’s what you’re worried about,” he said.

“Sirius?” Lily asked. “Anything you wish to tell me?”

He turned as pink as James. “Ah, well, you see ...”

James crossed his arms, scowling.  “Traitor.”

“Look at her eyes, James! She’s giving me those sad baby animal eyes. You know I’m powerless here,” Sirius rationalized.

James glanced up at Lily and nodded. “Fine, then.”

“So ... James and I, we got rather ... interested in that episode of Muggle tell-o-vision we watched in class.”

She frowned. “The one with the doctors? The medical soap opera?”

“That’s the one. You see, I like a good story, and so does old Prongsy. When we were first years, Moony used to read out loud sometimes, just in the dorm, you know? Hard to sleep sometimes when you’re little and off alone the first time, right?”

Peter snorted. “First years? Moony still reads him to sleep sometimes - “

“Anyway, the point is that me and James, we got really sort of invested in knowing whether or not the surgery was successful.”

“What?” Lily watched them both, confused.

“Like, did Mr. Morris die? Did he live? How did his wife take it? Did he ever find out his son wasn’t really his? Did his brother find out? You can’t just show a bloke one chapter and not ever let him see the rest of the book!”

Sirius sounded so indignant she was torn between wanting to laugh out loud and hug him.

James took over. “I hate unresolved story lines. So, we sneaked into the lab to see if the Prof had more of it on the - the tape, was it? Are they tapes? Because I thought tapes were the new records?”

Looking thoroughly scandalized, Sirius protested, “Nothing will ever replace vinyl, Prongs. It’s not right.”

She laughed and caught Remus’ eye. His smile lit up his face, she suspected as much by the admission of story time as by their insatiable desire to find out how the unfortunate Mr. Morris had fared.

Trust serialized Muggle television drama to ensnare the minds of the most ridiculously curious members of Gryffindor House.

“Did you find it?” She asked.

They exchanged glances. “No ... but we did knock over the entire tell-o-vision catalog. We tried to put it right, but Filch was on the move, and we had to bolt,” Sirius explained.

“The films - those are the round ones, right? They were rolling about, and we had to go out the window and climb up to avoid being caught,” James finished.

Surprising even herself, Lily laughed out loud at their tale. The Muggle artifacts in the lab were just that - artifacts. Most of them were so old they were from her parents’ time rather than the current decade.

“First of all, it’s absolutely adorable that you’re so interested. Especially since shows like that are mostly watched by Muggle housewives with awfully boring lives. Secondly, my mum and my sister watch that soap opera, I believe. I can inquire over the summer and send you an owl, if you like.”

The hopefulness in their eyes was so ridiculous that Peter and Remus burst into guffaws as well.

Helplessly, Remus managed, “We’ve always said James was a bit mumsy. When his Quidditch kids get hurt, when one of us needs him - aww, don’t blush, Prongs. It’s actually very sweet. I mean it.”

James shook his head, joining in the laughter. “An owl would be great, Lily. We’ll both be at my place this year, so ... two birds one stone? Er ... okay, bad taste there, Potter. No killing, then.”

Lily smiled as sweetly as she could. “There’s only one bird on my kill list, and it’s the one that was formerly my essay.” She gestured with two fingers from her eyes and pointed at the roosting paper bird. “I’ve got my eyes on you!”

Sirius squinted at it from his position on the floor. “What if - no, it couldn’t ...”

“What?” She asked. “What if what?”

Hesitantly, he continued. “What if ... when it, well ... shits, it’s actually editing your essay? Have you unwrapped any of the droppings?”

She made a face. “No, I have not unwrapped the droppings. Ugh!”

James stood, bowed before her, and went to pick up some of the little balls of paper. He gave a small cry of disgust. “Why is it ... moist? Padfoot, help!”

“Can’t. ‘m comfortable. If I get up, I’ll die.”

“Drama, much?” Remus asked, dryly.

“Drama always,” Sirius sighed happily, hugging Remus’ knee even tighter.

James pushed on, peeling back the mushy paper bits, making a face the whole time.

With a monumental effort and a long sigh, Sirius pushed himself upright. “It doesn’t eat, mate. It can’t be that bad. You’ve spat parchment loogies twice that size and somehow didn’t get poisoned,” he said, taking a little paper ball into his hand as well. “Christ, it’s mushy! That’s quite distasteful.”

At that point, Peter joined in, picking an old one off of the end table next to the sofa. “You’re right, Pads. It’s ... damp.”

Remus sighed heavily. “As I’m out of synonyms for the word wet, I suppose this is up to me.”

He pulled out his wand, levitated the paper ball, and then cast a drying charm on it. “Remember? We’re magical?” He asked, sarcastically.

Remus unwrapped the now-dry ball of paper and read aloud, “Remove third paragraph, take the fourth sentence and use it as a thesis statement. Rework.”

“Well!” Lily fumed.

Sirius did the same and read his, “Must pare down. Far too long-winded.”

Peter read, “Too wordy. Please summarize Paragraph twenty.”

“Really!” She growled.

James looked at his, looked back up at Lily, and thought better of it, stuffing the paper ball into his pocket. “Um ... Lily? Were you and Marls partnered on this essay, by chance?”

“Yes, why?” She asked, expectantly.

She was finding herself most distracted by the way he rubbed at his arm when he was nervous. When had she noticed that he did that?

“Because,” he said, a little reluctantly. “I think she may have pranked you but good. There is no way this is accidental magic or a mistake. It’s bloody brilliant!”

“If Marlene did this, we’re missing out on a potentially amazing pranking resource! Where is she, anyway? Haven’t seen her all day.” Sirius stood on a chair, trying to gently scoop the paper bird into his hand. It flapped indignantly to a higher perch.

Moments later, all four Marauders were after the bird, shouting, laughing, and levitating furniture and one another. Remus tried an Accio on it, but it didn’t work.

James let out a low whistle. “Merlin, she’s good! What did you do to piss her off, anyway?”

Lily thought, but couldn’t come up with anything. She winced at the sight of Sirius, being levitated by Peter toward the overhead lamps.

“Steady on, Pete! Don’t drop me, mate!” He called as he reached for the essay-bird. His hands were about to close around it, when the door opened to admit Minerva McGonagall.

“It’s a bit noisier than usual in here. Is anything wr - “ She stopped, taking in the sight of Sirius mid-air, James on a chair, and Remus on the floor, still guarding their notes and books, and his floating teapot. “Mr. Black! You come right down here this moment! Mr. Pettigrew, put him down. Gently!” Admonished the Gryffindor Head of House.

When Sirius was safely on the floor, she asked calmly, “Could someone explain the wild rumpus I could hear through the wall in my study?”

Sirius grinned at her. “I knew you cared, Minnie.”

McGonagall ignored him, but there was no fire in her glare.

Lily and James started at the same time, “Well, Professor,” “You see, Professor, I - “

The essay-bird took its opportunity to swoop free of Sirius’ grasp, and dump a wet little paper ball on McGonagall’s head. Without a single moment of hesitation, she transformed into a cat, leapt into the air, and caught it in her teeth, giving it a little shake for good measure.

All of the students stared, but the Marauders and Lily were momentarily speechless. Professor McGonagall transformed quickly back into herself, removed the paper bird from her mouth quite daintily, and tucked it into the pocket of her robe.

“Was that the trouble, then?” She asked.

“Yes, Professor McGonagall,” Lily answered. “It - it used to be my old Charms essay. I had to rewrite, after, well ...” She gestured to the pocket area of the professor’s robe.

“An excellent essay you turned in, Miss Evans. It will be curious to have a look at the old one, if I can get it to unspell itself without destroying it.” She glanced around the room to where James and Sirius were still a bit star-struck from her heroic feline actions. “If everything is well, I shall return to my grading?”

Satisfied that her students were safe and much quieter, she left.

“Merlin,” James breathed. “That was brilliant!”

“It was like a prophecy. I wished for it, and it happened! Did someone slip me a luck potion or what?” Sirius exclaimed. “She just ... transformed ... already in the air and took it down, like a little tabby tiger for the kill!”

It took a few minutes for the excitement to die down, but as Lily returned to studying and drinking tea with Remus, she cast another surreptitious glance at James. Huh. Not hideous, a bit mumsy, and loves a good story. Who knew?

[anauthorandherservicedog]

15 questions, 15 tags

Tagged By: @shinysherlock Thank you! And because I had so much fun doing this with Bucky on Twitter (click here for a glorious 40-question Q&A with Bucky!), I’m gonna do it on his behalf here, too.

1. Are you named after anyone?

I’m named for Bucky Barnes. You know, that one guy who’s dating that other guy who jumps out of planes without a parachute and stuff.

[Gif: A closeup of Bucky Barnes, the Winter Soldier, (played by Sebastian Stan) looking up at the camera. His long, dirty hair frames his face, and he looks scruffy and stressed.]

Only Mom says I really should be named after Kevin from Ghostbusters, because he’s awfully pretty (and ridiculous).

[Gif: Kevin (played by Chris Hemsworth) turning to look over his shoulder at the camera with a little smile. He’s wearing black glasses with no lenses.]

2. When was the last time you cried?

[Image: A very wet, unhappy black and white dog. His long fur is plastered to his head, his eyes are squinted, and his tongue is sticking out just a little bit. He’s in a bathtub.]

3. Do you have kids?

Three! Back in 2016, I got a kitten named Vastra. She was only five weeks old and the cutest little girl ever. She beeps.

[Image: A tiny black kitten head-butting a fluffy black and white dog on the nose. He’s laying on a brown floor to get down to her level.]

Then we moved in with @leavesdancing, who is Cat Mom, so we got her a kitten named Ilya. Look how tiny he is!

[Image: A tiny white kitten in a black cage, licking his paw. A fluffy black and white dog is laying close to the cage, with his muzzle touching it, watching the kitten intently.]

And in just two days (today is Thursday, right?) we’re getting a new baby named Xena! She’s a borzoi from @spryfeatborzoi, so I’m not sure if she’s a dog or cat, but she sure is pretty, isn’t she?

[Image: A borzoi puppy, eight weeks old. She’s almost entirely black except for white most of the way up her front legs and barely covering her back feet. Her chest and throat are also white. She’s posed in profile (stacking) and the tip of her tail is barely visible between her back legs.]

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I love sarcasm! That’s a type of cheese, right? I love cheese!

[Image: A fluffy black and white dog seated on a tile kitchen floor, in the middle of taking a bite out of half a slice of American cheese.]

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

I always check to see if they look different upside-down.

[Image: A fluffy black and white dog rolled over on his back, head twisted to smile upside-down at the camera. His mouth is open, long tongue hanging out to one side.]

6. What’s your eye color?

Beautiful.

[Image: A fluffy black and white dog in profile, showing his eye. It’s dark brown on the outer edge, turning to hazel and gold. His tongue is hanging out.]

7. Scary movie or happy ending?

Everybody needs a happy ending. And a  puppy. Puppies are awesome.

[Image: A closeup of a fluffy black and white puppy. His eyes are blue-hazel, and his tongue is out, licking his nose.]

Unless you’re a Republican. Then you don’t deserve a happy ending OR a puppy. 8. Any special talents?

I have two special talents! First, I’m a service dog, so I help Mom with her PTSD and anxiety.

[Image: A fluffy black and white dog lying on a carpet. He’s wearing a red vest with a patch that says “Service Dog” on it.]

And I’m a canine blood donor! Did you know that’s a thing?

[Image: A fluffy black and white dog being held in place by a veterinary tech lying behind him on an exam table. A second vet tech is prepping the dog for a blood draw from his neck. The dog’s mouth is open, tongue hanging out. He’s not in distress.]

9. Where were you born?

Night Eyes Kennels, California. But I like it here on the east coast, because SNOW!

[Image: A wire kennel enclosure with sawdust on the floor. A very fluffy adult dog, mostly white with symmetrical black and brown markings on her face and back, is lying on one side of the picture. On the other side are three puppies. Two are brown and white with symmetrical markings. The third, Bucky, is sitting behind them. He has asymmetrical black markings.]

10. What are your hobbies?

Cats, chasing my tail, and dramatically flopping.

[Image: A fluffy dog flopped upside-down in an oval bathtub. His back legs are splayed open, his front legs are curled up, and his head is thrown back, mouth open to show his teeth.]

11. Have you any pets?

I already said I take care of Mom, but I also take care of @leavesdancing (Cat Mom) and Christina (Other Dog Mom)!

[Image: A huge fluffy black and white dog sitting on the center seat of a three-seat couch. He’s taller than the two women seated next to him. The woman on the left is scratching his chest. She has two small dogs on her lap. The woman on the right has a laptop and a James Bond T-shirt.]

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

Writing is a sport, right? I co-write fic and books with Mom. Writer’s block sucks.

[Image: A fluffy black and white dog curled up in front of a Macbook on a lap desk. A document is visible on the screen, but the dog isn’t typing anything.]

13. How tall are you?

I’m 27 1/2″ tall at the withers, but if I try real hard, I can shrink down to about six inches.

Click through for proof! 14. Favorite subject in school?

Everything! School was awesome, because I had an amazing teacher, Darian!

[Image: Two dogs seated beside a small shopping cart in a store. The larger dog is gold and brown, wearing a black vest that says in yellow “SERVICE DOG DO NOT DISTRACT.” The smaller puppy is fluffy black and white, wearing a bandanna.]

15. Dream job?

I want to be a snow dog. That’s like a sled dog, only it involves more sleeping in snow, eating snow, and generally snow.

[Image: A fluffy black and white dog curled up in the snow, with snow crusting on his fur. His eyes are closed, head lifted as if to smell the air. He’s very happy.]

Tagging everyone who’s made it this far, because you’re awesome and I love you! Please tag me (or, well, tag my mom) so we can read all about you. And if you’re ever in Maryland, come say hi -- especially if you’re a cat!

[Image: A fluffy black and white puppy seated on a wood floor. One front paw is raised as if to high-five or shake.]

[bffhreprise]

Entry 257

 As James stepped toward his house, the doors swung open, revealing his employees inside.  My wife and I followed, trying to watch everyone at once for something strange to occur.

 Mila took a step toward us and said, “I took the liberty of informing everyone that they should gather if interested in demonstrating their abilities.”

 My son nodded without missing a step, so we followed him inside.  Before we were all the way in, Brandon stepped forward, seeming to grow with his step.

 “How’s it going?” he asked.

 I stared and stared, trying to make sense of his new height, easily double my own.  The clothing, which had been baggy on him, was now fitting him poorly, taught all over.

 “That’s amazing…” whispered my wife, though she had stepped behind me initially.

 I nodded and reached up a hand, which Brandon accepted, enveloping mine as well as part of my arm.  “Good to see you again.” I stated.

 Stepping around Brandon’s enormous leg, his sister, Brenna, said, “Pick a color.”

 “Pardon?” I asked.

 “Blue.” stated Rachel, still behind me.

 I stepped back, bumping into Rachel, as something happened to Brenna.  She was… blue.  Her hair was a darker shade than her skin, but all of her was blue!

 Grinning, Emma told us “She saves a ton on hair dyes.”

 “No need to be jealous, just because mine’s natural.” taunted Brenna, returning her smile.

 Emma sighed dramatically and said, “You know I am.”

 “And what do you… do?” I questioned, curious what Emma had hidden from us.  I could hardly imagine this playful girl who we had welcomed into our home to be something dangerous.

 She kept smiling as she replied “Best wait on mine till we’re outside again.”

 “Is it dangerous then?” I questioned, feeling worried.

 “Oh no.  It’s fun!” she insisted.

 From next to her, Cosette stated “I’m a vampire.”

 “I… see.” I told her, though I wasn’t certain whether or not she was teasing us.

 “No, really.  Check out these fangs!” she exclaimed.  Her mouth opened abnormally wide as all of her teeth grew outward into points.

 I felt Rachel hugging me from behind, but I couldn’t take my eyes off what I was seeing.

 “I believe you have a few too many.” suggested James, seeming amused.

 Cosette rolled her eyes as her teeth returned to normal, save for her canines.  “Is this better?” she questioned.

 James nodded and said, “Much more traditional.”

 “No, not really.  You know… oh, yes.  Your parents probably don’t yet.  Most vampires only grow fangs like this as a joke.” she stated as her teeth shrunk.  “Some of us are fans of vampire stories and legends.”

 “Ah.  So are you actually supposed to be hundreds of years old?” I asked.

  “No, actually.  I’m sixteen.  I was fifteen when we met.  Sorry for the deception.  My new identity states that I’m twenty.” she replied.

 “New identity?” asked my wife.

 “Why do you need a new identity?” I questioned.

 “My parents died, and I was advised not to keep ties to their last identity.” explained Cosette.

 “I’m sorry for your loss.” I told her.  “Was it the vampire who turned you that killed them?”

 She smiled ruefully and said, “I was born a vampire.”

 “Oh.” I replied at the same time as my wife.

 “Vampires can be made from humans as well.” added James.

  “Do you actually… well… do you drink blood?” questioned Rachel.

 Cosette nodded as she said, “Yes, in a manner of speaking.  Blood is a necessity.”

 “But you don’t kill people?” I verified.

 “No, I do not, nor have I ever.  I’m blessed with knowing someone that has a limitless supply.” she assured us.

 “Portentia.” stated James.

 I nodded, unsurprised by that at least..

 “What an adorable kitten!” exclaimed Rachel after Emma had bent down to pick something up  “Is it yours?”

 Emma was gripping a small cat with light colored hair.  Giggling, she said, “I wish.”

 “That’s one of my employees, mother.” stated James.

 “What?  Son, how can you employ a cat?” I questioned.

 “Remember Raine from Thanksgiving?” he asked.

 “The shy girl?”

 “Oh.” stated Rachel, connecting the two.

 I could see the resemblance between fur and hair color now.

 “Raine’s a therianthrope, similar to a werewolf.” explained James.

 “But sooo much cuter!” exclaimed Emma, hugging the cat who was scooting farther beneath her arm.

 “She usually seems more comfortable around people in her present form.  Of course, she might just be trying to hide.” suggested James with an amused smile.

 “Oh!” gasped Rachel.

 I turned my head and stared in shock.  A radiant fairy barely bigger than our son’s nose was hugging him there.

 “Sorry, master, but she has been searching for you for hours.  I still haven’t perfected a way to tell her you’re out.” stated Mila.

 “Yes, father, I believe in fairies.” claimed my son with a smirk.

 “Me too, dear.” stated Rachel breathily.

 I couldn’t argue, too distracted by visions of a forest flowing through my head.  “What am I seeing, son?” I asked, my voice barely leaving my throat.  There was a jubilance sweeping me away with the images.

 “Her day.  This is how the fey communicate, projecting images, sounds, and even feelings directly into your mind.  The other creatures you don’t recognize are other types of fey.  They all live in my forest.” explained James as if this were an everyday occurrence.

 “James tends to neglect telling anyone that fey can be dangerous.” stated Lady Pendreigh.  “They are, however, the absolute masters of parties.”

 “How could she possibly be dangerous?” questioned Rachel.

 “She can project light with lethal intensity, just like a laser weapon.” replied Lady Pendreigh, sounding perfectly serious.

 Nodding, James said, “She can also bend light around herself, practically becoming invisible.”.

 “She’s also good at stealing food.” stated one of the twins.

 “She loves to take my bacon.” insisted the other.

 “And sausages.” agreed the first.

 “You’d be amazed by how much she can eat.” they concluded in unison.

 “And what do you two do?” I questioned, looking over to them despite still seeing a forest.

 “Let her.” suggested one, motioning to Lady Pendreigh.

 “We don’t want cooked.” agreed the other.

 They grinned and ducked behind Jarod.

 “I believe those three want to announce something.” stated Lady Pendreigh.

 “Yes, actually.” agreed Jarod.  “We’re engaged.”

 Cheers erupted around us, and James stepped over to shake his friends hand, congratulating him.

 “To which one?” asked Rachel.

 “Both.” replied Jarod, looking perfectly serious.

 The twins held out their hands bearing matching engagement rings.

 “But… is that even legal?” I questioned in shock.

 Jarod shrugged as he said, “Generally, no, but we’ve sorted out how we want to proceed already.”.

James placed his hand on my shoulder and said, “Just be happy for them.  I assure you there are good reasons for this.”

 I stared at my son, trying to find answers in his eyes.  There were none, of course, but he seemed confident.  Looking to the engaged trio, I said, “Congratulations to all of you.”

 “When will the wedding be?” questioned Rachel.

 “We need to sort some things out with our family before we make official announcements.” replied the twins.

 Lady Pendreigh seemed slightly annoyed as she said, “Oh joy.  You haven’t informed your mother yet.”

 The twins grinned at her, looking perfectly troublesome.

 Shaking her head, she smiled and told them “You know I will back you.”  Then she turned to Jarod and said, “I would like to discuss some things with you later.”

 He nodded, grinning ear-to-ear.

 “We, by the way…” started one of the twins.

 “Can control water.” finished the other.

 Water coalesced around them into fish, swimming through the air.

 “And I,” stated Jarod, “control them.”  He winced as his brides-to-be punched his sides.

 “I never realized you enjoyed living quite so dangerously.” I teased, knowing Jarod always had a wild streak.

 “My turn!” insisted Emma, literally skipping over to him.

 Jarod stepped back, saying, “Not everyone gets a turn to punch me.”

 “Yeah!” exclaimed a twin.

 “He’s our punching bag.” insisted the other.

 Emma stuck her tongue out at them before turning to my wife and I, saying, “I got a bit excited when I was told you two were coming to see magic, so please indulge me.”

 Rachel smiled and said, “Since you insist.”

 I followed as well, wondering what could be so outlandish that we needed to return to the cold.  The rest of the group was coming as well, so I would have been swept along whether I wanted to be or not.

 “James surely mentioned that I’m his gardener at some point, but I think you’ll enjoy seeing how I garden.” she suggested, glancing back at us.

 “Is that really Raine?�� questioned Rachel as she watched the cat’s tail twitching from under Emma’s arm.

 “Sure is!  She’s just the cutest kitten ever.” cooed Emma.

 “Stories of lycanthropes always make them seem strong and dangerous.  I never really considered a similar creature… er… person being so… tiny.” I suggested, wanting more information.

 “Her kind can also assume a hybrid form with cat-like claws and teeth in a more humanoid shape.  You really can’t judge something strictly on appearance.” warned Lady Pendreigh.

 “Is she sleeping?” questioned Rachel as the tail seemed to hug Emma’s side.

 “Probably.” replied Emma.  “Even when she’s a human, she just dozes off wherever she feels warm.  She played Ancient Tribes of Earth with us before we ever met her.  She’s got incredible crafting skills in the game, but randomly stopped responding at times.  I never really understood until she moved here.  She’ll be in the middle of doing something and suddenly be out like a light.”

 “When she disappeared at Thanksgiving, had she turned into a cat?” I questioned.

 Still grinning, Emma said, “Oh, no.  She fell asleep at the table and slid out of her chair.  We just let her sleep when she wants.  She gets… umm… skittish.”

 “Skittish?” I questioned, remembering what my son had said earlier today.  “You can’t mean…”  I turned to look at him for verification.

 James looked uncomfortable, which was all the confirmation I needed.

 “Raine is unique, as far as I know.  She’s quite incredible.” replied Lady Pendreigh.

 I nodded, still trying to imagine this tiny cat being more “powerful” than a nuclear blast.  I couldn’t make sense of it.

 My son’s home was large enough that Emma had plenty of time to explain the numerous types of plants growing throughout the yard here, delving into the science of them with such a natural air that the conversation seemed completely normal.

 I didn’t follow half of what she was talking about when she started to explain the beneficial arrangements she did throughout the yard, but I could understand that each plant was helping another.

 “James, you still have fresh vegetables?  There’s snow on the ground!” exclaimed my wife in surprise as we stepped into a garden.

 “Alma taught me a nice spell to keep the garden warm for Marco.  He has trouble finding things in the snow.” explained Emma.

 “And how do you find things?” I questioned.

 “With bare feet!” she teased with a wink.  She slipped off her shoes and jumped into the snow.  Plants quickly enveloped her leg up to her calf.

 “What is that?” asked Rachel.

 “Just grass.  James will have green grass all year.  If you want a snack before dinner, how about an apple?” questioned Emma as a tree erupted from the ground where she was pointing.  “Maybe an orange?  We’ve got cherries and grapes!  Do you like pears?” she questioned, causing more and more plants to grow out as she named them.  An arched tunnel formed from the countless plants with fruits dangling down in abundance.  “They’re as fresh and ripe as you could hope for!”

 “Emma’s produce always tastes amazing.  Marco loves having her around.” suggested James with a smile.

 “I’m sure.” stated Rachel, greedily looking at the produce.

 “They’re really safe then?” I questioned.

 Lady Pendreigh smiled and said, “Perfectly.  I actually had some concerns myself initially and personally conducted numerous tests.  There are obviously no preservatives or insecticides used here, and each fruit is a perfect specimen.”

 “Try some.” insisted Emma with a wink.  “And then come this way!  I have more ahead.”

 We could see.  My wife braved a grape, so I followed suit, impressed by the flavor as the juice touched my tongue.  Following the tunnel behind Emma, my mind struggled to remember the snow-filled ground that had been here prior to her demonstration.  Flowers were even blooming in Emma’s wake!  We reached a clearing with wooden tables and chairs already set.

 “How did these get here?” questioned Rachel as she examined a table.  “This furniture’s beautiful even unfinished.”

 I had to agree.  Whoever did the engravings was very skilled.

 Emma turned to her and grinned, saying, “I grew them as we walked.  I’ve gotten better with furniture, since I moved here.  I need to come up with some more designs, but you’ll find no seams in the wood.  No nails needed.  Everything’s perfectly solid.”  As I looked for seams, she explained what types of wood she used, blending different types of trees together to provide some of the unique coloring.  “I’m gradually collecting every type of seed in the world, so I’ll be able to grow anything we might want.  Just let me know if you two ever want anything I can provide.  I really don’t mind at all.”

 “Will all of this vegetation remain when we go inside?  I mean, how long does it last?” I questioned.

 “The plants are perfectly real, Mr. Somerset.  I just encourage them to grow.  If I left them be, they’d live their normal lives from their current growth.  This would be a rather awkward spot to leave a grove though, so I’ll clean them up.” explained Emma.

I gasped as the world around us seemed to shrink away to nothing.  Before long, all of the plants and even the furniture were gone, leaving only the verdant ground at our feet.

 “That’s incredible.  You could easily have a business of your own, and your profit margins would be enormous.” I told her.  “I must ask… why are you working for my son?”

 Emma giggled and said, “This is home.  What more could I really want?”

 I slowly nodded.  She obviously couldn’t do this type of stuff just anywhere.  She’d get far too much attention.

[lids-flutter-open]

James orsino -goth gay YA ch 5

“Hey,” Orsino said. He was smiling at me. “Nice to see you. James, right?”

“And you’re Orsino.”

“I’m Robin,” said a girl with good skin and short hair in a flat-top. She looked like a panel from a 1980s lesbian comic. “I’m Orsino’s sister.”

“Hi,” I said. “Does anyone want weed?”

They did. We smoked and January talked to Ian. I didn’t get all of what they said, but Ian was glowing. Overhead the trees dropped a few leaves and some of the pine needles from the scrubby little pine tree by the house blew over the yard and into the bonfire, sparking as they went. There were at least fifty people at the show. Probably more, inside the house and around in front where they weren’t meant to be. People were slowly trickling back around the edges of the show space in the garage, waiting for the temperature inside to finally get cool enough to repopulate. 

“So are you from around here?” I asked Orsino. “Or where?” I had given him a joint I’d rolled earlier and been carrying around in my cigarette case. He coughed a lot as he smoked.

“Down south about an hour,” Orsino said. “Near Centralia, kind of. But most of the time lately I live up in Tacoma with Robin and January. My dad owns some cows and a chicken farm and my mom is always fighting with him and it’s bad to be around. You?”

“I’m from here,” I said. “I’m in high school. One of the ones near the farms. It’s all rednecks. No gays really.”

“You go to that Compton House thing?” Orsino asked. “I know that’s like, a big thing for gay kids here. My therapist was trying to get me to go since I didn’t like the trans group in Tacoma.”

“I go,” I said. “I’m on the Speakers’ Bureau doing sex education at schools and public organizations and stuff.”

“Oh,” Orsino said. He waggled his eyebrows. “You know a lot about sex then?” He exhaled some of the smoke from his joint into my face and smiled.

“In the public health sense, anyway,” I said. “I know where to get condoms and free dental dams.” I paused. I really wanted to say something flirtatious, but wasn’t sure what to start with. “And I know from Delaney and Genet and White for the rest, though who knows what I’m missing in that sense.” I could feel my hands reach up and touch the bad little patch of stubble on my neck. I wished there was a mirror or a dark window around I could glance into to make sure I didn’t look like a fool. I crossed my legs and turned more towards Orsino.

“Don’t know who those guys are,” Orsino smirked. His eyes were really dark brown and the firelight was sort of reflected there. I couldn’t tell if he was making fun of me for the references or making fun of me for doing sex education as a teenager like some kind of Young Democrat. I didn’t know his vibe enough to tell.

“They’re all older. Delaney’s the one you’re supposed to read, I’m pretty sure,” I said. “Or at least, he’s the one most likely to have been read by hot people, from what I can tell.”

“Oh, it’s a book,” said Orsino. 

“He’s an author,” I said. “Samuel Delaney. Chip Delaney. Time Square Red, Time Square Blue. Science fiction and sexy gay memoir. Never mind. I’m stoned. I’m sorry.”

“He writes about sex and taught you sex, is what you’re saying.”

“Yeah.”

“Does he write about like specific kinks you were trying to communicate to me or something?”

I felt my face grow hot. “Public bathrooms,” I said. “Is one thing he’s very into. Not that I am. Unless you are. But that’s not—it’s just his prose.”

“Do you always give a … what’s it called. A bibliography. Do you always do that when someone asks you about sex?”

“Do you always ask boys about sex two seconds after meeting them?”

“Only when they’re hot,” Orsino said. “Then yeah, I do. Sorry, I can’t read social cues well. Was that out of line?”

“No.”

“You didn’t answer the question. You go around give out bibliographies about sex? Like that pink hair lady who draws that weird comic about sex toys online?”

“You’re the one named fucking Orsino,” I said. “Literary references are something you signed up for.” I took a hit from my pipe. I was starting to feel slightly more comfortable, but it wasn’t happening fast enough. I glanced at Orsino’s hands. The nails were short. His pinky nail on his left hand was painted black but none of the other fingernails were. There was a little stick-and-poke of a rabbit on the back of his right hand.

“Maybe I should change it,” he said. “To something butch. I can be Harry. Or Brandon.”

“A trade name,” I said. 

“A farm boy name.”

“Brandon is a G.O.P candidate name.”

“Now that’s trade.”

“What music do you like, Brandon?”

“Well, I’m here. OVID’s good. January can be a bitch a little bit, but it’s good music. And I like Dyke Drama and G.L.O.S.S, obviously. And LOONE. But also Mitski. And Blood Kennel and Limp Wrist and Dick Binge. But I also like The Shins.”

“My dad likes The Shins,” I said. “I have like a gag reflex about The Shins.” I could hear my voice, catty and faggy. “They’re such a dad band. How old are you, anyway?”

“Eighteen,” Orsino said.

“Okay. Well, for an eighteen-year-old you sure like dad bands.”

“It’s good music,” Orsino said. “You gotta listen to the lyrics. What about you?”

“I only listen to Ariana Grande,” I said, smirking at him stupidly and fluttering my eyelashes. I might have been being dumb, but he was still smiling at me, so I wanted to try being bolder. “And Gaga. I literally only listen to Just Dance by Lady Gaga and Pete Davidson by Ariana Grande every single day of my life. On repeat. I hate punk music.”

“Oh, really,” Orsino said in a flat-affect kind of voice. “You must be having a really interesting time here tonight then.”

“It’s really funny music,” I said. “And nobody is wearing platform boots or a rainbow pin or jewels or teal hair or anything.”

“I saw someone with teal hair,” Orsino said.

“That was me, actually. Earlier. I came with teal hair and an Ariana Grande tour shirt and changed.”

“Oh really,” Orsino said. He made eye contact with me and then slowly reached out and pulled at one of my curls. “I like what you’ve done with your hair since then. Insta-dye job to black. Insta-goth. It’s a really cute haircut on you, actually.”

“Thanks. I did it in the bathroom sink,” I said. “Just now. Using charcoal from the fire. I thought, oh no, everyone has dark hair or bad orangey dry bleach jobs. I have to fit in.”

“You’re doing good and blending in,” Orsino said. He finished the joint and ground out the end in the dirt under the stump. “Wait. Did you just neg me for my bleach job?” 

I felt my face fall. “What?”

“You said bad bleach jobs and looked at my hair. Were you making fun of me for my bleach job? You know, negging me? I know it’s all dry forest fire thatch up here.”

“I guess I did,” I said. I looked at his hair and back at his eyes. 

“Didn’t expect you to be acting like a straight English major goth at a sorority party over here,” Orsino said. “Calling all the girls ugly cause you think it’ll make them like you.”

I swallowed. “You’re right. That was cruel of me. I made fun of your name, earlier, too, and that was wrong. I shouldn’t be mean to cute boys.” 

“And my music taste.”

“That’s just a difference of opinion.”

Orsino looked at me like a cat playing with a mouse, but in a friendly way. “You were very cruel about my hair, though. I feel so small.”

“Sorry. It’s a bad habit. You can do two negs for me now. Tell me I’m ugly so you can hit on me better.”

“Hm,” Orsino said. He swung one hairy leg over the stump so half of him was in shadow under the trees and his right foot was nestled in the ivy and broken glass that lay all along the perimeter of the Goat Mansion yard. “Well, you aren’t ugly, so I can’t do exactly that. Maybe I want to save my negs. Find your weak spots and then go in for the kill.”

“I’m shaking,” I said. 

“Okay. I have one. My first one is that your mustache sucks. It’s like really cute that you’re trying it and I know what you’re going for, and the concept is attractive to me, and I like your philtrum, but it’s a bad mustache.”

“Ooh. Ouch. That stings,” I said. “I think it stings more because of all the compliments you threw in with it to cushion it.” But I scooted closer to him.

“I can do more.” He looked at me hard. “If you consent. I can be meaner about it.”

“About my mustache? Okay,” I said. “But I might be hurt and never speak to you again.”

“You’re trying to look like Freddie Mercury or something, right? You look like a summer camp counselor from the 1980s.”

“Ouch! You sure snatched my wig.” I put on a faggy voice. It kind of did sting to hear him say that, though also I knew that my mustache amounted to about twenty-four downy bad little hairs. But I guess I deserved it.

“See how it feels?” Orsino scooted a little closer. I found myself appreciating how broad his shoulders and torso were compared to mine. I looked at his smile. His canines were a little crooked.

“I actually am a summer camp counselor,” I said. “During the summer.”

“I’m Sherlock Holmes.”

“I can give you another weak spot,” I said. “I’m a nerd and I used to be a horse girl. Got any horse related disses?”

“It doesn’t count if you give them to me. That’s a self defense maneuver. Also I don’t know if you’re even telling the truth. It’s gotta be something you’re sensitive about.”

“Are you sensitive about your hair and your name?”

“Yes! I’m a punk. My image is very important to me. Talking shit on my hair was mean. You started this whole battle.”

“Okay, fine. I’m sorry already. But give me time to recover from your first cutting remark before you do any more to me.” I put away my pipe. I glanced briefly over at Ian. Jukebox had left and now he was talking to Opal and Robin a few feet away. I felt like socially I was obligated to join their shit instead of sitting here talking to this boy I didn’t really know yet. At least so I could be up on the whole deal with Miss San Juan and the Dusties or whatever the new band was called. “Do you want to meet my friends?” I asked Orsino, standing. 

“Sure,” he said. He pulled himself up. “Hey, you’re not really hurt about the mustache thing, right?” He wasn’t smiling as much any more.  “I was just playing around. Your mustache is fine. It looks like every other high school punk’s mustache. Better than some. Better than mine. And you’re cute. You pull it off pretty good.”

I realized he thought he had misstepped and now I’d lost interest. I felt a flutter in my stomach. 

“It’s a really sensitive topic for me because of my gender dysphoria,” I said in a deadpan voice. I walked over to Ian and Opal and Robin.

Orsino followed me, squinting a little as if he couldn’t tell if I was joking. He put his thumbs into the belt loops of his pants.“Are you serious?” He asked.  "I’m sorry, I…”

“I won’t ever forgive you. Hey, meet my friends. Here are my friends Opal and Ian, who I guess have a band now.”

Ian paused. He had been saying something to Robin about some music stuff. I wasn’t sure what equipment they were talking about but it had hertz. He looked over to Orsino and then me and raised his eyebrows. 

“Hey,” he said. “I’m Miss San Juan, otherwise known as Ian. You saw me set up and then saw my set just now. You were jumping. Didn’t get your name.”

“I was indeed jumping,” Orsino said. “It was a pretty good show for how messy it seemed like things were before it started. You did good. You have a great stage presence. I’m Orsino.” He held out his hand, arcing his arm out for a man-handshake. 

Ian placed his delicate little hand in Orsino’s big one like a princess greeting her security guard. “Pleased to meet you.”

“I’m Orsino,” Orsino said again to Opal, holding out his hand again. For the first time I realized he was maybe kind of too stoned.

“I’m Opal,” said Opal. “I’m a drummer and use they/them pronouns and I’m really hungry for some trash food right now. Does anyone else want food?” They looked at me and then at Orsino. “You both look like you want some trash food.”

“Fuck yeah,” Orsino said. “Do we know when the next show starts, though?”

“There’s the gas station that doesn’t sell beer around the corner that way,” Opal said. “They have chips and sometimes hot dogs and pizza. We’ll be quick.”

“Let’s go,” Orsino said. He put his arm around my shoulders and set off toward the edge of the yard as if we had been walking together like that everywhere for years, as if he had touched me before.

“I don’t think I want food right now,” Ian said. “I’ll stay here.” He had a sort of quiet, wan tone in his voice that made me pause.

“Oh,” I said, and dug my feet into the ground to stop and pulled away from Orsino’s arm. I looked from Orsino to Ian. I didn’t want to leave Ian standing here alone right after his big set. “Ian, are you sure? You’ll need calories in a little bit.”

“I just feel like standing and smoking for a second in the quiet over here by the fence,” Ian said. 

“Quieter out by the gas station,” I said.

“I don’t feel like walking.”

“I’ll stay here too then,” I said. 

“I’m still going,” Orsino said. “I’m genuinely hungry.”

“Come on, then, big papa,” Opal said. “Let’s get some cheese fuel.” They turned their chair and wheeled fairly rapidly across the grass. 

[falseroar]

On the Case

((So, while I was writing Can You Wake Up?, I might have mentioned something about wanting to do a one shot with Y/N and the Detective. Here we have Abe and Y/N, (pet) detectives...))

You weren’t entirely sure how you ended up sitting at an outdoor table at a small café with Abe, wearing a Hawaiian-print shirt whose amazingly colorful design was only rivaled by the shirt the Detective himself wore as he scoped out the people passing across the street.

Spite probably had more than a little to do with it, now that you thought about it. The detective had gotten a hold of your phone number, probably from Tyler, and called to ask if you would be interested in helping out on his latest case. He’d barely offered to pay you before Dark barged into your room at the ego house, grabbed the phone from your hand, and said, “Absolutely not.”

You weren’t even sure if you would have taken the detective up on his offer if that hadn’t happened, although the idea of spending time with Abe and maybe even having some money of your own was tempting. But then Dark got tired of arguing with you and pulled Mark into it. It was one of the rare times you saw the two of them agree on something, going so far as to “forbid” you from going.

They should have seen this coming, honestly.

Sure, you understood why Abe even calling you “partner” might make the two of them nervous, but it wasn’t even like this was a dangerous case. Apparently, some guy decided to take it out on his ex by stealing her dog, and she hired Abe to get the canine back. Right now, the plan was just to tail the guy back to wherever he was keeping the poor animal, rescue “Thor” (apparently her cat’s name was Loki), and maybe make the guy regret all his decisions going by how Abe described him to you.

Sounded simple enough, to the point you wondered why Abe even called you for help, not that you were going to complain. At least not about that.

“Is this really necessary?” you asked, tugging on the collar of your shirt.

Abe glanced over. “Look, partner, we’ve been over this: you gotta dress the part if you want to blend in.”

“In what reality is this blending in? But that’s not what I meant.” It was true enough that you doubted anything about these shirts could be considered inconspicuous, with the only thing more distracting than the Detective’s shirt was the fact that he somehow managed to find a fedora that matched, but there was another reason you were uncomfortable. You tugged again, this time catching the top of the bulletproof vest underneath your shirt and managing to pull it away slightly. It was hot enough in LA without wearing layers, much less this thing. “Why do I need this vest? I thought the whole plan was to get in and get out.”

“Trust me, you’ll be glad you’re wearing it when you get shot.”

“You mean if I get shot, right?”

“That’s what I said.” Abe glanced at his watch and went back to checking out the clothing store across the street. “He should be leaving work any minute now. Quick, we need to be acting inconspicuous. Pretend like we’re having a conversation.”

“But we are—” You sighed and decided not to bother. “Abe, about the shirts, I don’t know if you noticed, but they kind of stick out.”

“Exactly!” The Detective flashed you a smile and a wink. “No one who’s trying to be sneaky would be stupid enough to wear something like this, so if you think you’re being followed, of course you wouldn’t expect someone dressed like us!”

Deciding it was probably best not to point out Abe may have just called himself stupid, you said, “…Sure, but, I don’t know, it kind of feels like you just finished watching an Ace Ventura movie and wanted to dress the part. Even this case sounds like something that happened in one of the movies.”

“Pfft, that guy?” Abe snorted. “Please, I practically taught him everything he knows. If anyone is copying anyone, it’s him.”

You started to respond to that but hesitated. It wouldn’t be the first time you found something like that to be different from the reality you used to be in until recently, after all. Heck, you passed an electronics store with a set of TVs playing news footage of a superhero decked out in red on the way here, and the only comment anyone else made was to wonder what Silver Shepherd had been up to recently.

While Abe went back to staring at the store in a not at all creepy or suspicious way, you pulled out your phone. It had taken bribing Google to get the android to “adjust” whatever he put in it that allowed Dark to spy on your phone and listen in on your calls, but spending a day keeping Bing away from Google seemed like more than a fair price when you imagined the look on Dark’s face when he finally realized you weren’t spending hours looking at funny cat videos. Even if you weren’t able to sleep for three days after Bing talked you into trying whatever was in that energy drink of his.

“Okay, I just looked, and Jim Carrey totally—”

“Shh, there he is!” Abe reached out without looking to shush you, smacking you in the face with his hand repeatedly as he stared at the bodybuilder type of guy who just walked out of the clothing store. The dude was massive, he could probably pick both of you up at the same time, and he was moving fast.

You both jumped up and trailed him at a distance, Abe making an effort to hide behind lampposts and trashcans even though the guy never once glanced back on his way to a bus stop on the next street over. Fortunately, at this point he put his headphones in and started listening to music so loud you could hear the bass from behind the bush where Abe was whispering (if you could call it that) about how to sneak onto the bus before the doors closed for so long that you two almost missed the bus entirely.

The guy spent the whole ride staring out the window, at least when he wasn’t skimming through Twitter on his phone. Everyone else on the bus kept staring at you and Abe, even though you were sitting in the very back, and it was a relief when your guy finally got off at what looked to be one of the more…questionable neighborhoods, considering the first thing you saw when you and Abe jumped off the bus at the last second was some graffiti of a Septiceye somehow eating a taco.

From there, it was easy enough to follow him to an apartment building, and Abe managed to catch the door before it closed behind him.

“Nice work, partner,” Abe said when you told him you saw which apartment he buzzed to be let in. There didn’t seem to be a doorman, or at least there was nobody behind the desk, and you had the small lobby to yourselves as the Detective laid out his plan.

“I know this place, I’ve had clients here, even lived here once back in…’02? ’92? Something like that, point is, there’s a fire escape that runs up the back of the building, I’ve used it a few times for…reasons. I can use that to go up the back and see if the dog’s here while you distract our buddy boy.”

“Wait, what? How am I supposed to distract him?”

Abe shrugged. “Just knock on the door, strike up a conversation, give me enough time to get in and out with Thor. Easy.”

“Then why don’t you do it?”

“Because I know my way around, and people tend not to trust…Detectives.” He paused, and you could almost see him trying to tell himself that’s the reason why people tended to avoid him. He slapped a hand on your shoulder and smiled. “But you, partner, you’re just the kind of person people want to trust and talk to, get them spilling their secrets after one night of poker I bet.”

You sighed. “I can try, I guess?”

“That’s almost the spirit!” He gave you a wink and he was gone, out to find the fire escape.

By the time you made it upstairs, you thought you had a plan. Just knock, act like you were lost and needed directions, keep him talking…Seriously, it couldn’t be that hard, could it?

First problem? Getting anyone to even hear you knock, with music thudding down the hall so loud you could hear it before you even reached the floor.

Second problem? When someone finally opened the door, you realized that you probably should have expected more than one person in the apartment, considering someone had to buzz and let your guy in, who was currently sitting on the couch with his buddy who, like the one who answered the door, all looked like they could have been made at the same place that distributed massive guys in shirts just tight enough to show every single muscle with faces that looked like they would punch you out for funsies.

“You need something?” The guy at the door asked.

“Uh…” You swallowed and said, “Yeah, I’m looking for a friend? I thought this was his apartment, but, uh…”

“What’s his name?” he asked.

“Jim,” you answered out of reflex.

The guy you tailed jumped up and walked over to the door. “Yeah, I’m Jim, you looking for me?”

Well, that wasn’t even fair.

“No, I mean, I’m looking for a Jim, but he’s like, this tall,” you waved at somewhere around the right height, trying to pretend like you didn’t just see the face outside of the window opposite the door. “Uh, black hair, has a brother…Also named Jim…”

“Hey, is that the guy up on the ninth floor?” Jim asked over his shoulder, and now all three of them were at the door, towering over you.

“Nah, man, that James. Jim’s down the hall.”

“You’re thinking of Jeremy, no one’s coming to see him. You sure you got the right apartment number?”

“I…might have got the number wrong, maybe? This is 7C, right?” You had to give Abe more time.

“Oh, I know!” One of the guys, not Jim, snapped his fingers. “I bet they’re looking for the east building.”

“There’s more than one building?” you asked.

“Yeah, this is the west building, place down the street has the same name, you know?” Jim said. “People get it mixed up all the time.”

“Tell me about it, half the time my mail ends up at the wrong place,” one of the guys muttered.

“Uh, yeah, maybe that’s it. How do you get there from here?”

They started giving directions, before one of them said something about it being late, and this was a weird neighborhood, and from there it snowballed into all three of them walking you down the street, cracking jokes until you got to the door and had to figure out how to get inside the building.

“Hey, Pa—er, Y/N! There you are!”

You’d never been more relieved to hear Abe’s voice, and you had to give him credit for not giving it away when you called him Jim and thanked the guys for helping you find your friend.

Once they were out of earshot, you asked Abe, “So, did you find the dog?”

“Yeah, but there’s a small problem…”

Turns out, Thor was a big dog, as in a German Shepherd who growled like some demon spawn when you and Abe snuck back into the apartment through one of the bedroom windows. The sound failed to reach the guys in the living room thanks to the booming music, but it did little to hide the dog’s teeth. Even though he was in a crate, you weren’t sure that those metal bars could stop him if he really tried to take on these two intruders.

“Shh, good boy,” you said quietly as you edged into the room. Your foot hit something on the floor and you bent down to pick up a well-loved plush monkey. The dog’s ears immediately picked up and you gave it a gentle squeak. “Yeah, you like this, Thor? Come on, who’s a good boy?”

Between you and Abe, you managed to get the dog all the way to the window before you noticed the pictures on the dresser. With a sinking feeling, you checked the dog’s tag and sighed. Of course.

“Abe?”

“Yeah?” he asked as he looked out the window to make sure the coast was clear.

“I don’t think Jemma here would appreciate us ‘rescuing’ her.”

You didn’t tell Mark or Dark about your case with Abe. If you did, you probably would have left this part out, and skipped straight to where you found the right guy and rescued the real Thor, an adorable Dachshund/basset hound mix who licked your face the entire time you waited outside while Abe found a few things that the cops might be interested in and called in the tip. You also probably would have focused on how happy the client was to get Thor back if you told them about it, even though the proud way Abe called you “Partner” made you smile just as much on your way back home that night.

((Thank you for reading! This is the last of those “I might do this” from Can You Wake Up? I’ve been playing around with another idea for the series, but it might be a while before anything comes of that. 

Tagging:  @silver-owl413 @determinedrevolutionary @cherrybomb-jaguar @blackaquokat @catgirlwarrior @neverisadork @luna1350 @oh-so-creepy @oceanicfangirl @purpstraw ))

[outboard02]

Former pro sailor explains how he restored a classic Fairey Swordsman 40

Former expert sailor and windsurfer Stuart Sawyer took on his biggest venture but by means of restoring a Fairey Swordsman 40 returned to mint circumstance.   outboard motor covers

i'm an “inside the blood” waterman, having grown up racing reflect dinghies at country wide and ecu level earlier than turning into a professional windsurfer in my 20s and transferring to Hawaii in which the waves were larger. nowadays i'm again within the united kingdom sailing a J/122 called Black dog III. My crew and that i are the modern-day RORC IRC country wide Champions. None of this would had been feasible without a supportive own family so it appeared simplest right that I began seeking out a ship that my spouse and two grown-up daughters may want to enjoy as much as I did. We desired something round 40ft lengthy that would sleep 4 easily and six at a push for our Black canine “cruises”, which entail a pub or three in Fowey or the Helford. Off the water, i'm CEO of a materials era organisation called D3O, which specialises in effect safety, which include helmet liners for American football gamers and the defence area, covers for cellular phones and defensive clothing for motorcyclists. I had a price range up to £a hundred and fifty,000-£one hundred sixty,00 to spend on a boat and as always I wanted to spend it wisely. I discounted a new boat due to the depreciation and determined i'd be happier with an older conventional anyway. The row-away factor (while you look back at the boat as you row ashore) became vital to me, as changed into impeccable sea-maintaining. I taken into consideration a Dale Nelson 38 – great seakeeping and construct satisfactory – however my daughters felt it changed into ‘too sluggish and vintage for me’. They wanted something quicker and prettier in which we may want to make short passages to the Scillies, France and the Channel Islands. In July 2019, after the RORC IRC prizegiving, I went for a walk to mirror on what we’d executed and stumbled across a stunning Fairey Swordsman 40. some thing connected with me – the iconic lines, corresponding curves, flared bow and open cockpit; everything about it oozed performance. blended with my schoolboy goals of being James Bond (even if it was a Fairey Huntress rather than a Swordsman that changed into used within the From Russia with Love chase scene) it regarded nearly destined to be.  outboard motor covers I realize many of my choice points have been emotive ones but the Swordsman did have the desired 4 berths and a personal proprietor’s cabin aft with its personal heads: our dozing instances are not usually compatible with those of our scholar daughters! when a Swordsman got here up for sale in Falmouth I took my spouse to peer it. the moment she stepped aboard I ought to see she preferred it: the sociable but secure cockpit, the separate cabins and heads however it was whilst she stood again and well-liked the flared bow that she really commenced to smile – it emanated romantic nostalgia. on the time of our viewing, the mouldy green decks, oil-filled bilges and rotting mast have been thrust to the again of my mind – that was concerned with the survey. The preliminary negotiations did not go well. The boat was advertised at £149,000 but simply had troubles. The most obvious changed into a loss of use; it had spent the last  years ashore without the engines being serviced. i discussed this with my brother Andrew, a yacht transport skipper for PYD, and Nigel Musto, who also owns a Swordsman, and all of us agreed that in addition to an amazing survey, a sea trial with a Caterpillar engineer on board would be vital to be able to verify the engines. The survey, achieved through Paul Kerridge at Mylor Yacht Harbour, read a whole lot as expected. The hull and structure were in correct circumstance and extremely nicely built. apparently it turned into one of the ultimate made and had been commissioned by way of the backyard’s owner however for a few cause much of the indoors had in no way been completely completed. The electrics had additionally suffered water ingress. All in all it became a sound boat that became suffering from loss of use and upkeep, but not anything that turned into insurmountable. An preliminary inspection ashore by way of Finnings, the Caterpillar dealers, located a number of issues with the engines – steeply-priced however nothing that regarded terminal. I were given a few indicative pricing for refurbishing the boat and servicing the engines, and agreed on a sale charge of £110,000 concern to sea trials. when the allocated day came, we set out in a blustery force 6, step by step taking the engines up in 500rpm steps. i used to be surprised at the shortage of slamming and how resultseasily she reduce via the four-6ft swell. massive smile. sadly, the equal couldn't be stated for the engines, which were heating up at an alarming charge. All forms of signals and warnings popped up on the Caterpillar agent’s computer, to the factor in which we needed to close down the port engine, simplest to look the starboard engine additionally begin peaking. After half-hour, on the advice of the engineer, we aborted the ocean trial and limped lower back to Falmouth, alternating the engines to prevent overheating. The deal became off and the broker went back to the proprietor to searching for route. a whole lot to-ing and fro-ing ensued; sale on, sale off, in addition sea trials and more charges as we investigated whether the engines will be fixed or might have to be replaced. i was looking at £36,000 + VAT to refurbish the antique automobiles or £70,000 for 2 new ones. ultimately, six weeks after our preliminary offer and a painful negotiation technique for each me and the preceding proprietor, name transferred to me for £85,000. And a steep and luxurious gaining knowledge of curve started out! The venture Tom Redgrave and Sandy Proctor, whom I sail with and work for Falmouth Harbour commission, had just had the pilot boat re-engined via Mylor Yacht Harbour’s Marine team, so advocated them for the engines. I known as Roger Graffy, Chairman of Mylor Yacht Harbour, to explain my plans, and in a manner best Roger can get away with, he showed that a) i was completely mad as I already had two boats, b) He completely understood as he loves being afloat extra than ashore, c) His wife Dinah has a longstanding love affair with the Swordsman and d) Given the background of Fairey marine, it was precisely the type of challenge Mylor might need to be concerned in.  outboard motor covers Off to Mylor she went and at some point of deeper inspection of the antique engines we did have one great wonder – the gearboxes had been in excellent fettle, having accomplished less than four hundred hours of their 14 years. This intended we could preserve the existing gearboxes and ‘bob-tail’ the new engines. That delivered the price right down to £fifty three,000 + VAT for new engines and refurbished gearboxes in comparison to £36,000 + VAT for overhauling the old engines. once I then acquired a suggestion of £12,000 to shop for the vintage engines, I bit the bullet and decided to head for brand new engines. Nigel Musto turned into a mine of facts on which engines to head for, having all of the overall performance information of each Swordsman ever constructed. They might must provide the greatest stability of weight, gas and performance however specially they needed to have that distinctive Swordsman ‘sound’. We agreed that dual 455hp Caterpillar C7.1s have been the way to move. Engines opting for new engines required a structural change to the beds, because the 7.1s have been 40mm taller. as soon as the antique engines have been removed and the gas tanks shifted to permit get right of entry to, Mylor Marine’s team reduce back the beds and strengthened the bearers with metallic and epoxy to take the new engine mounts. After lifting the engines in, they then had to be aligned with the shafts. Chris Powell, the lead engineer, lived in the engine bay for the first-rate part of six weeks and by the time he’d finished the alignment changed into so best (inside 2,000s-of- an-inch) that he needed to upload jubilee clips to forestall them sliding out. Electrics the main dashboard and cockpit control panel had rusted and lacking buttons had allowed water to seep behind it, so that most of the switches and gauges had been not operating. Mylor controlled to supply the authentic provider and organized for new panels to be cut and powder coated a good way to keep the authentic appearance and sense however additionally accommodate the brand new engines’ liquid crystal display control panels and a current chartplotter. We opted for a Raymarine Axiom 9 as I wanted one with difficult controls I ought to use whilst bouncing around at 25 knots. We included this to the prevailing autopilot and after a lot debate decided to eliminate the antique radar and installation an AIS seven-hundred device alternatively, albeit with wiring for a brand new radar to be brought at a later date. I also made two greater non-budgeted decisions. the first became to install new gas sensors into each tanks which fed into the Axiom for unique monitoring. the second one become that on receipt of the brand new engine’s digital manage panels, I felt they seemed out of maintaining with the Swordsman's classic fashion. Mark Howard, Mylor’s senior electrician, managed to supply a few white and chrome analogue dials that would speak to the Cat engines but could appearance extra in maintaining. I recognise this become basically an aesthetic choice however having now used the boat, i am so satisfied we redid this. The final step changed into adding a stereo system and audio system to the cockpit and saloon. With young daughters and their buddies on board, I felt this will be amusing, albeit alternatively extravagant, greater. We opted for a Fusion RA70N as this will be controlled from the Axiom in addition to through Bluetooth without having to head down beneath. indoors components of the original in shape out had never been fully finished – perhaps as it became used particularly as a day boat. This became obtrusive from the paucity of storage and shortage of wear and tear and tear inner. I contacted Rob Holdroff, a local carpenter, who had just set up on his own having previously worked at Pendennis. We met on the boat and drew up a agenda of works. A key request from my daughters was to make the vee berth convertible to a double with the aid of a timber infill and bed. Given the British climate, I additionally desired to create a wet locker in the the front cabin, which drains into the bilges, where damp clothing should dry with the resource of significant heating. The galley was problematic, as the cupboards opened at once onto the GRP structure and lacked any shelves. My spouse Ruth labored out what we'd need for family cruises, purchased the plates, bowls, cups, mugs and glasses, then we designed and fitted out the cabinets especially to match them. We did the same for all of the lockers within the saloon, making spaces and draws for pilot books, safety device, odds and sods, and of path bottle holders! in the aft cabin, Rob made liners and shelves that might shield our garments from condensation, in all instances matching the cherry wooden finish to the authentic. outdoors  outboard motor covers a great deal of the exterior wanted sorting. The teak decks had been included in algae, cut up in places and the caulking turned into shot. The timber rubbing strake at the bow had split and changed into lacking several portions. The anchor locker hatch had warped and wouldn’t near. The gas bottle had left rust streaks down the topsides and inside the locker. The blue transom had dwindled to such an extent that I questioned if it might ever come lower back to its actual shade. as the Mylor group have been focussed on the engines and electrics, I asked Tim Seaman at Formation Marine to take on this. Tim had repaired Black canine when we hit the committee boat at a start in Dartmouth, so I knew how professional he turned into with both wood and GRP. Tim did a incredible activity of reducing back and restoring the transom giving us an early win that helped to reveal how she could come to be looking. together, we labored out which lockers ought to preserve what; lifestyles raft, inflatable smooth and a couple of.5hp outboard, as I didn’t need davits to spoil the boat’s lines. Tim then set approximately repairing, replacing and in which vital recreating the locker lids and liners in addition to refurbishing the decks and rubbing strake. The cockpit shower set up internal one of the deck lockers became also a write off. Tim changed the cracked pipework with flexible hosing to shield it whilst throwing in warps and fenders. final however no longer least, the mast, which i have usually visible as a key part of the Fairey’s iconic layout, became so badly discoloured that it become bordering on the brink of no return. Tim rose to the venture, eliminated the mast, took it domestic and over the winter spent hours drying, sanding and slicing it returned, followed by infinite coats of varnish to repair it to its former glory. It has likely had more TLC than any other single a part of the boat. Frustratingly the new engines arrived at the very day lockdown turned into imposed, causing a put off of virtually three months. once the assignment turned into underway again, it slipped a in addition 3 weeks, in large part right down to desiring to update the risers, which had corroded and break up, unfavorable the old engines. This, the brand new device panel, the stereo and the mast and decks needing more work than expected pushed us over my authentic budget and the ten percentage contingency I’d built onto it by means of a similarly 10 per cent.  ultimately, once we had the boat stripped and the engines taken out, we determined to update as opposed to provider all however  of the thru-hull fittings for peace of mind and ease of protection. The result notwithstanding this I thoroughly loved the refit process. Going over every inch, inner and out, and agreeing the practical element has made me experience greater connected with the boat. operating with tremendous tradespeople become a key part of this. Nathan Percival, the mission supervisor at Mylor Yacht Harbour, made the procedure less complicated for me, despite the fact that it elderly him! Tim Seaman has to be credited for the way proper Freebird now seems. Rob Holdroff has made it so much more practical and nice to live aboard. Mark Howard and Chris Powell worked tirelessly on the brand new engines and electronics. I suppose i used to be lucky that this wasn’t a ordinary task, having a traditional boat which humans without a doubt wanted to paintings on made a important distinction. each of the groups have been fascinated to look how the others had been getting on and everybody appeared to broaden their personal connection with the boat, which is clear in the craftsmanship and high high-quality paintings on show. whether it has paid off financially is tough to say; Swordsman 40s vary among £one hundred fifty,000 and £225,000 relying on their condition and specification. i might say that Freebird is one of, if no longer the first-class, instance available and could be in all likelihood to sit on the better cease of the price bracket. That stated I don’t assume proudly owning any boat should be about getting cash. I knew I needed to be realistic with the prices and even though I were given swept along with some of the extra aesthetic choices, I wasn’t in a function to simply throw money at it and permit someone else control the task. i was heavily worried in all of the choices for the duration of the system and, sarcastically, now not being capable of tour for business intended I might be onsite  or 3 times every week. Now the plan is to apply Freebird with the circle of relatives, starting up with small cruises to mattress the boat in. we've got already enjoyed short journeys and overnights to the Helford River permitting us to undergo some inevitable snagging, which i'm extremely joyful to mention turned into minor! Fowey and the Isles of Scilly are subsequent at the listing of locations to head for, that are all inside short 1-4 hour passages, while L’Aber Wrac'h and Roscoff are on my daughters’ listing to visit as soon as Covid restrictions carry. If this all goes properly we're brewing a plan for 2021 to take the boat round Britain and eire. This has been on my bucket list for a while and at the same time as I had firstly deliberate to do it by way of sail, Freebird is now rising as the suitable craft for the job. My plan for this circumnavigation is to move west from Falmouth to the Scillies, then over to Kinsale and around the West coast of eire. I’d then make my way up the west coast of Scotland around Cape Wrath, down the east coast and into London, earlier than the very last leg alongside the south coast and domestic to Cornwall. Having placed this plenty time and effort into perfecting Freebird, it appears only right to make the most of what she has to offer. I promise to keep you published… The fee indoors lockers and berth conversion – £2,000 Teak decking, topsides, transom, mast, external lockers, glass maintenance and antifoul – £7,800 New engines – £sixty five,200 (£fifty seven,840 + £19,400 fitting, less £12,000 for vintage engines) Electronics – chartplotter, AIS, gas sensors, dials, panels, stereo, LED nav lighting fixtures, rewiring – £9,800 changing thru-hull fittings, servicing all prevent cocks, pipe works, outdoor bathe – £2,four hundred canopy and cockpit cover, repairing antique tonneau – £4,800 New risers, exhaust manifold, welding, moving electric panel and generator – £4,900 Extinguisher improve, tender, outboard, liferaft and many others. – £6,000  outboard motor covers

[cmpriest]

The Emerald City and Me

Well, we made it. We closed on our Seattle house literally the evening before we left the Chattanooga house – and it only happened then because a dedicated notary came out to our place after hours and helped us file all the paperwork. First thing the next morning, we hit the road.

It was a six-day drive back to the West Coast. We took two cars, and we each took two animals – I drove with Greyson in the back seat, and Quinnie in the front seat. (Both secured, yes.) My husband brought the eldercat and Lucy in a similar configuration. Using a AAA travel agent, we booked all our hotel rooms in advance – making sure that we could bring our furry family members along without any difficulty. All but two of those nights were screwed up by the aforementioned travel agent; but when all was said and done, nobody had to sleep in the car and everything was fine.

My husband and I each traveled with a small suitcase. For the animals, we packed the largest suitcase we own – and at first we could barely close it, for it contained pre-measured meals for all four of them, plus bowls, medicine (for all four), fluids kit (for the eldercat), cannibis oil treats for the canine nervous nellies, flea/tick preventatives, and five disposable litter boxes stacked together. And I guess now I know how to manage a good “bug-out bag” for the whole family, so there’s that.

Eventually we arrived at a house I’ve named “Rockford Place” – a late mid-century modern with an angular seventies vibe and a massive fireplace surrounded by natural stone. There’s also an enormous backyard that’s mostly rocks and trees, terraformed into paths and a nice landing area.

Besides, I like James Garner. So yeah, it’s called Rockford Place.

The house is really rather neat – lots of cool angles and funky architectural features (without going overboard, I mean.) But the bathrooms are an embarrassment, and when we got here, the kitchen was stocked with appliances that only halfway worked. We’ve decided to live with the bathrooms for now, but the kitchen…well. We scraped up the money to replace the appliances, which turned into a massive shit-show courtesy of HomeDepot.com… but that’s another story. Frankly, I’m so fed up with the experience that I’m not likely to relate it here. Suffice it to say, don’t buy appliances from HomeDepot.com. Home Depot’s own employees (at a local store) told me the in-house joke is that online orders are “job security” because one way or another, they’re fucked up literally 100% of the time.

Anyway, we do have working appliances now. Thank God.

We also have a new veterinarian, which is good because the eldercat ran out of fluids, Lucy came down with (what seemed like) a UTI, and Quinnie has had a couple bad bouts of diarrhea – one bad enough that I took her to the kitty ER. Still not sure what’s wrong with her, but she’s wrapping up another round of medication at present, and she seems to be 100% fine and dandy. Cats, man.

All four of the critters really seem to like the new house. The cats love the stairs, and the dogs love the yard – which is fenced all the way around to the front patio, so they can really get a good loop of “chase” going on. Both dog-fatties have even lost a little weight, which is good.

As a side note: If you’re mostly following me (on any platform) because of the household animal population – or if you’d like to, going forward – you can catch me on Twitter or (more recently) Instagram. Twitter is sometimes LadyRage, but often pet pictures. Instagram is almost exclusively pet pictures. In case this matters.

Hm. What else?

I guess you might also be reading this because I write books. By way of What’s Up Next, I can offer the following:

In December, a new installment in the Wild Cards franchise hits the streets – including a story from yours truly. The book is called Mississippi Roll, and my contribution is a somewhat wacky romp called “Death on the Water” that features my (now retired) Fort Freak cop Leo and his new wife, Wanda, on board a haunted riverboat. They share the stage with a trio of ghost hunters who, um, are entirely fictitious and not all mocking re: any given TV show that my husband and I might jokingly call “Brost hunters.” Ahem.

Speaking of Wild Cards – I’ve just handed in a draft of my next piece, but I can’t tell you about that yet. If all goes according to plan, it will be inserted into one of the old volumes, as part of a future re-release. But that’s another year or two down the pike, I assume.

Production is finally getting underway on my next young adult project for Scholastic – a book called The Agony House. We don’t have a pub date yet; things have been delayed on this one, largely because my original editor left the house for another job (which happens, such is life). But my new editor is on the case, and I should have more information on that for you before terribly long. The Agony House is not related to I Am Princess X, but it *does* feature a comic/illustrated element in a similar fashion. More details to come!

And that’s all the writing news that’s fit to type, for the moment. To be honest, writing updates are probably going to be few and far between for a bit, as I’m taking a little breathing room this year – breathing room that will give me time to get some work done on the house, and take on a day job, perhaps. I could use a steadier paycheck for a bit, and some room for my brain to cool off a bit.

I’ve been in fifth gear for the last few years, and I’m looking forward to just…doing production work on the Wild Cards projects, and The Agony House, and another adult horror project from Tor called The Toll (pub date TBD). So it’s not like I’m quitting the industry and flouncing into darkness or anything. I’m just giving myself a break. Kind of.

More news as it develops.

Okay folks, that’s all I can think of, at the moment – but I *will* try to update more regularly over here, now that we’re more or less settled in. (We’ve been here about two months.) So as always, thanks for reading, and thanks for visiting this page. One way or another, I’ll see you around…

The Emerald City and Me was originally published on The Haunt*

[nibimatatabi]

Only Human

Word Count: 2972 Summary: Set roughly around/between PoA & GoF, Cassandra notices a dog digging around in her trash can. Leo is a weird dog, and not even actually a dog. Mostly a cathartic exercise for her, plus I already told @hogwarts-junkie about this thought when I was washing my dog, so I might as well write it. Warning: Rated T for teen due to heavy language.

“That is not a dog, that is a Grim,” Lucile is sipping coffee in Cassandra’s living room. She’s looking out the window at something. The other woman isn’t distraught, just amused. “And it keeps coming back?” Cassandra is pulling turkey out of her fridge.

“Yep, comes back like clockwork to dig in my trash can. Wait, don’t go anywhere, watch this,” Cassandra pushes Sebastian back - the cat is well over twenty years old and still going strong; Cassandra has long since admitted that ‘cat’ is just what he resembles - and then swings open the door. “Dog! Heads up! I have turkey this time!” She launches the meat cuts out the door, as near the sidewalk as she can throw (and boy has this girl learned to throw and hit hard since leaving Hogwarts; one does not trifle with the should-have-been-Black woman). The canine has dropped down, hiding behind the trash can, caught, but when he sees the food he lunges forward, gobbling it down quickly. “Poor thing is skin and bone,” Cassandra shuts the door - and then locks it for good measure.

“You afraid of Black looking you up?” Lucile asks in that wary I-should-know-better-than-to-ask voice that Cassandra knows too well.

“Sirius isn’t dangerous,” she’s back in the kitchen, and her married friend is rolling her eyes. “He isn’t. Sirius was a lot of things, and none of them - not a one - said he was a murderer. He would have DIED rather than give up James. James was more his brother than Regulus,” she slams her palms against the table, frustrated. She’s almost in tears again.

“That’s not what-”

“The minister is a goddamned liar, Lucy. I might not have been with Sirius that long, but I knew his brother damned well and if Regulus would have never done that, then don’t look at me and try to claim that Sirius would have,” Lucile leans back against the window sill, looking out.

“Grim’s gone.”

“Don’t call him that. He’s not a Grim.”

“Then what is he?”

“A dog.”

Three days later, Cassandra stepped outside with her coffee, enjoying the morning before it was too hot to be outdoors. There was the dog again, standing on his hind legs, in her trash. It was empty today, though - there was nothing for him to find. Cassandra clicked her tongue once, and then whistled. “C’mere boy,” she called, as if the dog would actually come. He jerked backwards, falling from the trash can in an ungraceful flailing of limbs. “Come on, sweetheart, you’re okay,” Cassandra cooed, sitting on her front step. She was in a tank top and striped pajama pants, fuzzy slippers, and her shoulder length hair was in a sloppy bun. The words ‘hot mess’ were what could easiest be used to describe Cassandra before she got ready to go to St. Mungos. Today she worked an evening shift, which gave her the morning to kill.

“Come on, puppy dog. I’ve got food in the house, but I’m not getting it if you won’t come here,” the dog crept around the trash can, low to the ground. She couldn’t tell if he was really black, or if he was a dark gray that was just grimy. “Come here sweet pea,” he was creeping toward her, tail down, watching her. His ears were up, alert, and as he drew closer Cassandra was suddenly aware of just how large the dog was. “Oh...my...” he was skinny and underweight, but the dog was almost as big as a white tail deer at the shoulder. “Sweet baby, come here,” she collected herself quickly, reaching a hand out slowly from her cup. No fear. Never show fear.

The dog bumped her head the same way Sebastian did, head against her palm. Cassandra exhaled, not having realized she was holding her breath. “Hi there, baby dog,” she murmured, scratching his head, moving her hand down his neck. No collar. She didn’t expect one, but she had tried to be hopeful. “Can I stand up? You aren’t going to run, right? Come on, come inside with me,” Cassandra convinced the dog to enter her house, and was stunned that he wiped his paws on the doormat outside. “Someone loved you once, didn’t they, boy?” She shut the door, and from the couch Sebastian was suddenly standing, staring at the dog. “Sebastian,” Cassandra’s voice was warning. He meowed, loudly, and then hissed once. The dog was just staring at him. “Leave the cat alone, buddy,” Cassandra moved between the two. Sebastian had sat down. Sebastian meowed again, but this time without the hostility. “Come on, puppy, upstairs. You need a bath.”

The canine didn’t even have to be dragged up the stairs. He went willingly, wagging his tail slightly as Cassandra praised him for being so good. She let him into the bathroom and shut the door, going to change into shorts and a different tank top to wash him in. When she went into the bathroom, the dog was sitting in a tub of water. “I’m sorry what?” She hadn’t filled the tub. The dog lifted a paw and pawed at the faucets until he got one on, and then back off. Totally possible. “Are you one of those failed service dogs?” She ventured after a moment, grabbing her shampoo bottle. The canine whined at her, looking up at her with soft gray eyes.

Cassandra was rubbing shampoo into the dog’s coat and had to stop. “You have blue eyes,” she stated, blinking, trying to find blue. They were gray. Gray like storm clouds, warmer than ice and soft enough that her chest felt like it was being squeezed. “They’re gray,” she whispered, and for a moment she felt her world collapsing around her again, felt as if her life were being shattered all over again. And then she inhaled sharply and shook her head. “Dog with gray eyes. What a strange thing,” she laughed, forced herself to laugh, and kept washing her new found companion.

It took an hour and a half to full bathe the dog, so that his fur was free of grime, and he wasn’t matted up. Cassandra toweled him off, surprised at how still he was. “You were so loved, baby, what happened?” She asked, sitting down on the tile and drying his face. He lowered his head, bumping into her shoulder. “Sweet baby,” she considered possible names for him while she sat there, petting his shoulder and he rested his giant hulking head on her shoulder. She thought of the constellations she knew - Sirius, Orion, Regulus, Arcturus, Canopus, Polaris, Vega, Altair - and dropped her forehead against the dog’s chest. “Nope, none of those, not in this lifetime or the next,” she muttered. “Leo? Leo. I like Leo,” it was the constellation with Regulus. Of course she liked Leo.

The dog whined at her, lifting a massive paw into her lap. “What, do you not like your name?” She asked, bringing her head up and coming eye to eye with the dog. “Good God in heaven you are such a large dog,” and his eyes were the same uncanny intelligence of Sebastian’s, perhaps more so.

When she left for work, she warned Sebastian to behave. “You leave Leo alone. And Leo, do not chase that cat.”

Cassandra found that she adored her hulking canine. She bought him a nice collar and leash, and took him for walks. He balked whenever Cassandra got near Grimmauld Place, and the woman had to drag the canine past twelve. And then one day the dog was gone. She came home from work and her dog was just gone. She scoured the neighborhoods in both directions, but nothing. No dog, no one had seen a dog, what dog?

Cassandra had, in the years since Walburga’s demise (hallelujah, praise the Lord) taken to stopping in and checking on Kreacher. She hated that he was alone in the big house, but he wouldn’t leave it. So, after ensuring her dog was flat out gone, she made one of her bimonthly stops at the Black residence. It was not Kreacher that opened the door. “Are you fucking serious?”

"Last I checked, yes,” the lopsided grin, shaggy black hair, soft gray eyes. Cassandra wanted to punch him in the nose.

“When were you going to tell me that you-” words, so many words, silenced by Sirius shaking his head, and then something farther inside shrieking.

“Great. You woke Mother.”

“Good! I have a few words for that insufferable bitch that Kreacher hasn’t let me say.”

“Wait, how do you-” but Cassandra had shoved past Sirius, and murder was in her eyes.

“Listen here you stupid woman! You are DEAD do you understand? I have no patience for you!” Kreacher was watching, wide eyed, as the muggleborn laid into the portrait. “You don’t have a clue who I am and you want to know why?! Because your son was in love with me and didn’t want you to run me off! Oh nonono, not Sirius! No, no no, no I mean Regulus you wicked evil witch. I mean your little pride and joy the one who joined the Death Eaters to please Mummy and Daddy, the cousins, and their twisted sense of righteousness - don’t you even give me that offended look you HAG,” literal years of pent up rage spewed from Cassandra until she’d had enough of the woman shouting back at her - mudblood, insolent little girl, how dare you enter the noble house of Black - and snatched the curtains shut with violence radiating in her little body.

When she whipped around, Sirius was sagged against the wall, staring at her, looking exhausted from listening. “I’m sorry, Sirius,” she lowered her eyes. “I’ve had a lot to say to that woman since I was seventeen and never got the chance.”

“Safer to just scream at her painting,” Sirius mumbled, seeming unable to collect himself. Cassandra wanted to help him, she really did, but following the screaming match with Walburga - oh it was cathartic - she didn’t know how. Instead she knelt down in front of Kreacher, smiling at the house elf.

“I’m sorry for yelling at your mistress, Kreacher. But the way she treated Sirius and Regulus wasn’t right, and I’ve held that in for a very long time now,” she swallowed the lump in her throat. Kreacher regarded her carefully for a moment before he nodded.

“Would Miss Delacroix like some tea, then?” Sirius blinked from where he was, watching the two.

“Miss Delacroix? You call me all kinds of foul names and SHE gets Miss Delacroix, pleasant as can be?”

“Tea would be lovely, Kreacher; for both of us.”

“Of course Miss Delacroix,” Kreacher scurried off, leaving Sirius fuming.

“Why?! You’re muggleborn! You’re as bad as I am!”

“Did you miss the conversation I had with your mother? No, no no wait, let me try this a different way. Did you miss the part where after we broke up your brother developed an interest in me?” She had always known she would lie to Sirius about that. Lie like the dog she was trying to find. “Look, Sirius, stop. After that framed hellion died, Kreacher was alone. I’ve known where this house is since I was seventeen. I wasn’t going to leave him - Regulus died because Voldemort was willing to leave Kreacher to die. Your brother-”

“Was soft and an idiot and died because of Voldemort!”

“No he didn’t! He died trying to undermine him!” They had moved to the dining room, and Sirius had cast a silencing charm to prevent his mother from being awoken again by their snapping and snarling.

“How would you know? Where were you then when he was trying to be all noble and heroic, hmm? If you loved my brother then why weren’t you with him?!” Cassandra wasn’t near Sirius, but she still recoiled as if he had hit her. Tears rose into her eyes, hot and unbidden.

“He wouldn’t let me. He said it wasn’t safe. He said Kreacher would show him where to go, and Kreacher could get him out and then he DIED Sirius! I BEGGED HIM to not leave me!” She wished she were yelling, wanted to still be yelling, but she was choking out the words in a far softer voice than she had wanted to. She sat down in the nearest chair, leaning forward and hiding her face in her hands. She couldn’t breath, she couldn’t speak. Something whined a few moments later, and then bumped into her leg. She reached out, expecting Sirius to be sitting beside her, and instead her fingers curled into fur. Dog? Dog.

When the tears were done, the dog - Leo, yep, gray eyes - left the room, and Sirius came back. “You done yet?” His own eyes looked like he had been crying. Cassandra nodded.

“You have a dog.”

“Ah, yeah.”

“Gray eyes.”

“Mhm.”

“What’s his name?”

“Snuffles.”

“Looks like a dog that was dumpster diving at my house. I call him Leo.” Sirius narrowed his eyes on her for a moment, as if trying to frame that. “Better than calling him, say, Orion,” Sirius flinched at that. “Can we be done yelling?” She asked after the silence spread out between them. Kreacher came in with the tea cups, handing one to Cassandra and then taking the other to Sirius.

“Yeah. Yeah, we can be, Cassie,” her eyes were on her cup and they jerked up for a moment. Sirius sounded defeated. She dropped her eyes back to her cup, sipping her tea.

Silence.

“How exactly did you know where this was?” Sirius finally ventured, sitting beside her. She glanced over at him, and when gray met blue her heart dropped. The wrong gray. Too warm. Too naturally soft.

“Regulus. We went to Paris, that summer,” she swallowed, fought back more tears.

“And not once did you think to say something.”

“He firmly believed you didn’t care about him, Sirius. There wasn’t a thing I could say or do,” she spoke into her teacup.

“No, not about that. You didn’t tell me. You didn’t tell me anything about him, what was going on with him,” Sirius’s voice was accusatory. Cassandra wanted the dog back. The dog was nice, and comforting, and didn’t make her feel like she was a terrible excuse for a human being.

“What was I supposed to say, Sirius? Oh hey so when I started dating your brother I found out he was a Death Eater? No wait - I knew your brother was a Death Eater before we started dating, let alone before I started dating him, and I didn’t say a Goddamned thing to anyone because my first thought was ‘oh my fucking God they’ve hurt this boy if I tell anyone what else might happen to him?’ Because I can see that going really well. Honestly, I can see Slughorn going to Dumbledor, and then what? Azkaban that’s what,” she was frustrated - it was a circular conversation with a man she hadn’t seen in years, and... “How did you get out of Azkaban?!” She rounded on Sirius suddenly, light blue eyes alight with confusion and near panic. “You couldn’t have done that to James I know that good and well so what-”

“Shh. Stop. Breath,” Sirius held up a hand. He wasn’t emotionally, physically, or mentally capable of dealing with this. He put his teacup down, leaning forward to the woman who had left him for his idiot brother. Her eyes were flickering across his face, and he knew that it was concern there, not fear, not distrust, just worry and concern. “You’re right. I didn’t betray Lily and James. I would have never. Harry is my Godson. I should have...if I wouldn’t have chased Pettigrew that vial filthy RAT-” Sirius stopped himself. Took a deep breath. “I didn’t get a trial, you know. They just assumed I was like the rest of my family,” bitter, he was so very bitter. Cassandra leaned away instinctively. One too many Black meltdowns will leave a woman a little gun shy. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“Look I just screamed at my could-have-been-mother-in-law and discovered you alive and well. You’re not going to surprise me much more,” Sirius smirked - oh good God that had been taken as a challenge. He stood up, stepped away from her, and untied his robe. “Sirius Black-” she started, becoming furious in a heartbeat. Right up til Leo/Snuffles was sitting there, wagging his tail, looking at her innocently. “Kreacher! This is just tea, right?”

“Yes Miss Delacroix, only tea, why does Miss Delacroix ask?”

“Uh...dog. Sirius. Sirius dog. Turned into dog,” the word ‘animagus’ didn’t even come to mind until the dog grabbed the robe and dragged it to a more hidden spot. And then Sirius was coming back around, tying his robe back on.

“Animagus.”

“Alright, yep, that about does it. Come here. Just, yeah, right down here,” Sirius leaned down, looking her right in the eye. Cassandra punched him in the chest. “Mark it off my bucket list, sleeping with both of the Black’s,” she stated as Sirius picked himself up. “I’m sorry,” she added as he rubbed his chest.

“Where did you learn to hit?”

“Oh somewhere between ‘boyfriend’s dead’ and ‘Voldemort’s dead’ you know, cover all my bases,” Cassandra was studying her nails - she’d chipped her manicure at some point.

The silence rolled out again. Finally Sirius broke it, being Sirius. “I know you’re upset, Cassie, but I can’t leave here except as a dog...”

“I’ll adopt you, Padfoot, so long as you keep pretending hard to not look at me when I change clothes.”

“Oh thank you Cassie,” utter relief in his voice.

[funface2]

The Best Jokes from the Alec Baldwin Roast on Comedy Central – Collider.com

To some, Comedy Central’s annual roast is like the Super Bowl of comedy. And this year’s distinguished honoree, Alec Baldwin, makes for a particularly great football to kick around. Not only has he endured as an award-winning film and television star for more than 30 years, but he has survived all kinds of tabloid incidents, from fistfights with photographers, to the embarrassing voicemail he once left for his “rude, thoughtless” daughter. He has also hosted Saturday Night Live, America’s foremost comedy institution, more than anyone else in its history. The point is that Baldwin’s remarkable life offers a lot of material to work with. The Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin airs Sunday night, but Collider was invited to the live taping last week, and with a dais that included acting legend Robert De Niro, transgender icon Caitlyn Jenner and controversial comedian Adam Carolla, you can bet there was plenty of friendly shade thrown and shots fired.

Sean Hayes served as a surprisingly strong Roast Master for the evening, and joining him and the aforementioned trio on stage were doctor-turned-actor Ken Jeong, NBA star Blake Griffin, SNL‘s Chris Redd, Sabrina the Teenage Witch star Carolina Rhea, roast ringer Nikki Glaser, and the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross. Plus, there were two surprise roasters, Alec’s daughter, Ireland Baldwin, and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who may need to be put down soon, as his shtick is getting a little long in the canine. And yes, that is a tooth joke, for all the dentists who read Collider.

At one point, I thought Lady Gaga was going to roast Baldwin (who introduces Ally’s SNL performance in A Star Is Born), via video, but she was just announcing that she and Comedy Central had a made a cool million-dollar donation to Exploring the Arts, a charity that supports arts funding. That’s always the first thing to go when there are budgets cuts at schools, so it’s a worthy cause, and hey, isn’t that worth it to get Lady Gaga on your broadcast? Methinks so.

Image via Warner Bros.

Glaser brought her A-game, as you’ll see below, but that’s what I expected from a pro. Griffin, on the other hand, dunked on everyone with the kind of confidence that only a jock can muster, and truly surprised me with his ease and timing on stage. I should’ve seen it coming, too, as Griffin once held his own in a roast battle against Ross, who underestimated his competition and was lucky to squeak by the All-Star forward back in the day.

Jenner deserves a medal for what she was put through during this roast, but she gave as good as she got, and went toe-to-toe with some much more experienced roasters. De Niro did his thing, but at that point, he’d been on stage for close to three hours and it was getting late, so the energy — both his and the crowd’s — wasn’t quite there. And Carolla stayed right on brand, using most of his time to rail against #CancelCulture instead of Baldwin. Speaking of whom, when it was Baldwin’s turn for rebuttal, he showed everyone why he won two Emmys for 30 Rock — he can deliver a hell of a zinger.

So put that remote down — remotes are for closers — and check out the #BaldwinRoast on Comedy Central on Sunday night. Here’s a little sneak peek of my three favorite jokes from each roaster. Naturally, parental discretion is advised…

Sean Hayes

“No offense, Blake, but I’m a better ball handler than you.”

“Caitlyn, being here tonight is the bravest thing you’ve ever done, but don’t worry, any parts you don’t like will be cut.”

“Alec once said I was like a brother to him, which is why we haven’t talked in 10 years.”

“Alec, this will be the funniest thing you’ve been a part of that Tina Fey didn’t carry you through.”

Grade: A Hayes made for a surprisingly solid Roast Master and his introductions for each roaster were some of his funniest jokes, especially his intros for Redd and Jenner. I thought he did a good job setting the tone for the evening with his strong opening set.

Nikki Glaser

“Blake, you look like a black guy made by a printer that was running out of ink.”

“Robert De Niro… I can’t believe I get to share this stage with you, and by that I mean the final one of your life.”

“Stevie Wonder sees his sons more than you do, Caitlyn. I mean, even Casey Anthony knows the current location of her daughter!”

“Alec, you’ve had four kids with Hilaria, which is incredible, because isn’t your semen just oatmeal at this point? Oooh, Robert got excited when I said ‘oatmeal!’”

Grade: A Glaser was really the ringer of the evening, as she’s really the only one flexing that comedy muscle every night. It showed, as her set was absolutely vicious.

Image via Warner Bros. Pitures

Ken Jeong

“Chris Redd… just like on SNL, your jokes have been cut for time. Let’s move on! Scroll, scroll, scroll!”

“Alec, you have five kids with two different women. Why can’t you be more like the investors in your films and just pull out?”

“Robert, I’m a great doctor, but even I can’t resuscitate your career.”

Grade: A- Ken Jeong’s jokes alternated between network sitcom and edgy cable series, so to speak. Some were a little corny, but the clever ones really hit the mark, especially Jeong’s delivery of the Redd joke above. Hopefully that one makes its way into the broadcast, which will inevitably leave some punchlines on the cutting room floor.

Chris Redd

“If you wanna hide something from Robert De Niro, just put it on a SNL cue card, because he can’t read that shit!”

“I’m excited to watch an old man figure out trans pronouns in front of a live studio audience.”

���Caroline looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car to meet firemen.”

Grade: B+ Chris Redd got off to a rough start but he recovered and finished strong.

Caitlyn Jenner

“Back in the day, Alec and Bruce were like brothers. That’s one more brother he’ll never talk to again.”

“Adam Carolla is so boring. I’ve never seen a drier pussy in my life, and that’s coming from me. See Adam, women are funny!”

Grade: B+ Jenner closed her set with an inspirational message, telling trans viewers ‘if I’m strong enough to sit up here all night, you can handle anything,” and telling her critics “if you have a problem with that then you can suck my dick… if you can find it!”

Caroline Rhea

“Jeff Ross, you are one fat Jewish man. I feel like you took “Let my people go!” out of context.”

“Alec Baldwin worked as a busboy at Studio 54, where he had to clean up jizz and coke every night. That’s exactly what Nikki looks for in a shampoo!”

“Where are your brothers tonight? God knows they’re not working!”

Grade: B Rhea may have stuck out like a sore thumb on the dais but she held her own onstage and took all the jokes about her weight in stride.

Blake Griffin

“Caroline, if you’re here then Salem the Cat must’ve turned it down. Sorry Robert, I know how much you like black pussy.”

“Caitlyn Jenner’s pussy is so young that Alec just called it a “rude, thoughtless little pig.”

“On behalf of the entire NBA and half the rappers on the Billboard charts, thanks for giving your daughters daddy issues.”

Grade: A Griffin showed his roast experience, dunking on the entire dais, and forcing the industry to wonder, should he be starring in Space Jam 2 instead of LeBron James? Could he be the next Dwayne Johnson or Dave Bautista? The charisma is there…

Adam Carolla

“Ken Jeong showed his dick in The Hangover, and Ken, I haven’t seen a dick that small since I took my nephew ice-fishing!”

“If you were offended tonight, please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog and shut the fuck up!”

Grade: B Carolla works a bit better in longer-form, where he can build up a head of steam. His jokes were good, and I liked how he pushed back against the Comedy Police, but it felt like he left a few punchlines on the table.

Ireland Baldwin

“It’s hard being the daughter of an iconic movie star, but I’m not here to talk about my mother… or her Oscar.”

“It’s nice to be on a runway without starting beef with American Airlines. I mean, why would you start shit with the one place still playing your movies?”

“At least you taught someone the ABC’s!”

Grade: B+ Ireland was the surprise roaster of the night, and frankly, she deserved a few minutes of revenge years after her father left that terribly mean voice mail on her phone. She has grown up to be a beautiful woman, and she showed a lot of poise on stage considering the fact that she isn’t paid to deliver lines, and many other roasters struggled in front of the live audience.

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

“I thought Jimmy Kimmel was here but I was just smelling Adam Carolla’s finger!”

“Alec, your fuse is almost as short as Chris Redd’s IMDb page!”

“Alec Baldwin once made an appearance on Sesame Street. It was the only way he could get close to an Oscar.”

Grade: C I’ve gotta be honest… Triumph’s shtick is getting a little old… in terms of both human and dog years. When an actual dog is stealing the show from you, what does that say? 

Image via Warner Bros.

Robert De Niro

“After tonight, Rocky and Bullwinkle won’t be the worst thing I’ve ever done!”

“I was in Goodfellas, and I bet Sean has also been in some good fellas.”

“Comedy Central wouldn’t put Caitlyn Jenner on a roast until after her transition so they could pay her 20 percent less.”

Grade: C+ I just don’t think this was the right format for De Niro, who struggled with the teleprompter. He was OK, but his timing wasn’t 100 percent. Too bad Comedy Central couldn’t afford to de-age him like Netflix. I heard enough Old De Niro jokes to last me a lifetime. The man is the greatest actor ever, and it just felt weird watching everyone tee off on him like that, but at least he’s a good sport!

Jeff Ross

“It’s a Saturday Night Live reunion! Alec Baldwin plays Donald Trump. Robert De Niro plays Robert Mueller. Chris Redd plays Kanye. And Caitlyn Jenner donated the dick in the box!”

“Robert De Niro is a method actor. I just wish that method involved reading the script, Bob!”

“Caroline, you look like the schoolteacher all the kids hide behind during a shooting.”

“Adam, you once said that women aren’t funny. Well, they are, and let me tell you, you should’ve hired some to write your jokes tonight!”

Grade: A- The Roastmaster General was pretty damn great, and his set was consistently good. It didn’t have quite the same highs as, say, Nikki Glaser or Blake Griffin’s, but he didn’t have many stinkers in the bunch, and he definitely seemed to get extra camera time.

Alec Baldwin

“Blake, moving from LA to Detroit is so sad. That only happens when a prostitute’s body is sent back to her family.”

“Nikki, were you the flight attendant I was rude to? What devastating comment can I make that Nikki hasn’t already muttered to herself in front of a mirror at Equinox?”

“Ken, the hardest possible title for you to pronounce is Glengarry Glen Ross.”

Grade: B+ Baldwin got some good licks in when it was his turn to respond, but the roaster is always in a tough position at these things, because we’ve already heard 3 hours of jokes about each individual on stage, so it becomes harder to surprise the audience as the night wears on. Still, for a guy who made ‘Always Be Closing’ famous, he scored as the evening’s closer.

Image via New Line Cinema

Image via NBC

Related Content

Let’s block ads! (Why?)

Source link

Bài viết The Best Jokes from the Alec Baldwin Roast on Comedy Central – Collider.com đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/best-jokes/the-best-jokes-from-the-alec-baldwin-roast-on-comedy-central-collider-com/

[randomrichards]

MOVIES (THAT MIGHT BE) WORTH CHECKING OUT IN JUNE 2019:

June 7:

DARK PHOENIX

We begin with the last part of the X-Men prequel series.

Led by a young Professor Charles Xavier (James McAvoy), a small group of young mutants have grown from students to superheroes. They can even travel to space to rescue astronauts. But one interstellar mission goes wrong when telekinetic psychic Jean Grey (Sophia Turner) absorbs a mysterious energy. She not only survives, but she’s become more powerful. But this power begins to corrupt her mind, which attracts the attention of a mysterious woman (Jessica Chastain). Soon she becomes the destructive force known as the Dark Phoenix. Now her friends and mentors must decide how to stop her. Charles and Jean’s boyfriend Scott “Cyclops” Summers (Tye Sheridan) try to save her from the corrupt energy. Metal-bending holocaust survivor Erik “Magneto” Lehnsherr (Michael Fassbender) believes the world can only be saved by killing Jean. We also see the return of fan favourites including Peter “Quicksilver” Maximoff (Evan Peters), Raven aka Mystique (Jennifer Lawrence), Hank “Beast” McCoy (Nicholas Hoult) and Ororo “Storm” Munroe (Alexandra Shipp).

Dark Phoenix saga is considered one of the most beloved X-Men stories of all time. It was the story that made Jean both a complex character and one of the most powerful characters in the Marvel Universe. Fox Studios tried their hand at the story in X-Men: The Last Stand. The results were less than stellar. If they fail the second time, there will be hell to pay from the fans.

That’s where Simon Kinberg comes in. This will be his directorial debut after writing previous X-Men movies. This is a mixed bag. On one hand, he wrote one of the best X-Men films; Days of Future Past. But he also wrote the Last Stand as well as the underwhelming X-Men: Apocalypse. It also doesn’t help that he wrote Fan4Stic and This is War. So, we’re just going to have to wait and see if it will live up to the legendary story.

LATE NIGHT

Mindy Kaling draws inspiration from her early years as a TV writer for Saturday Night Live and The Office for this career-driven comedy.

It looks like Molly Patel (Kaling) is on her way to becoming a tv writer when she gets her first writing gig as staff writer for “Tonight with Katherine Newberry.” But she already feels out of place as the token hire in a room full of white male Harvard grads. It doesn’t help that the host(Emma Thompson) is a real hard ass. Unfortunately, Katherine has her own problems. She’s plummeting in the ratings and if she doesn’t turn it around, she will be gone in a year. In desperation, Katherine seeks advice from her writers to spruce up her image. It looks like the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Many will notice parallels between Late Night and the Devil Wears Prada. Like the later, Late Night centres on a naïve young woman dealing with an over demanding boss in their attempt to achieve her dream job. As you may already know, The Devil Wears Prada was a surprise hit thanks to Streep’s unique portrayal of feared fashion magazine mogul Miranda Priestly and there were a few attempts to replicate it. The result is hit and miss at best.

For this to succeed, both the writing and the performances must click. The script needs to have a clear understanding of the business it’s portraying. With this in mind, Kaling has an advantage with her experience as both a tv writer of The Office and the creator of The Mindy Project. But writing for a weekly sitcom is a little different from writing for a daily late-night show.

The most important character to get right is the boss. The writing must make this character entertaining, with many hilarious lines for the actor to deliver. Plus, the audience must buy that this character has earned respect in the business. As for the actor, she not only have to deliver a hilarious performance, but must also bring some humanity into this archetype. Not only did Streep provide a unique spin to the Boss from Hell with Priestly, but she also made the character human. If anyone can provide the same quality, it’s Thompson.

THE SECRET LIFE OF PETS 2

Illumination takes us back to their surprise hit about what pets do when the humans aren’t allowed.

While the first film centres on one storyline, this one seems to be divided the film into multiple stories. The first plot centres on canine protagonist Max (Patton Oswalt replacing Louis C.K.). He has gotten used to new dog Duke (Eric Stonestreet), but now he faces the idea of his owner Katie (Ellie Kemper) getting married and having a kid. But on the plus side, they get to go on a road trip to the countryside. But that goes downhill when Max gets terrorized by a turkey. In desperation, he seeks guidance from stern top dog Rooster (Harrison Ford) to overcome his fears.

Meanwhile, Max’s friends are having their own adventures. Max’s toy is left in a cat lady’s room and Max’s love Gidget (Jenny Slate) disguises herself as a cat to get it back.  At the same time, deranged bunny Snowball (Kevin Hart) has gone from freeing pets to playing superhero for a little girl. But he seizes the opportunity to be a real superhero when a dog named Daisy (Tiffany Haddish) calls on him to rescue a white tiger named Hu from a circus.

When Illumination introduced the world to Gru and his Minions with Despicable Me, it felt like the animation world has a new voice. With a collection of memorable characters, fast-paced visual gags and a unique, hipster-esque look, the film seemed like a breath of fresh air, especially compared to the similar film Megamind. Since then, the film has presented one hit film after another, especially the Secret Life of Pets. Then audience members began losing patience for Illumination for two reasons. First reason was the Minions. At first, they became fan favorites of Despicable Me.[1] But then they were everywhere, from carnival prizes to memes. Overexposure set in and no one could stand them anymore.

Another problem was that Illumination played it too safe with their movies. They play it too safe with their budget, creating each film with a much lower budget than most animated movies. While it’s miracle for an animated film to be made on a low budget, the result is less impressive animation and more rehashed character designs. Just as unimpressive is the storytelling, which most often uses tired tropes with little refreshing spin on it. The Secret Life of Pets itself was accused of being a Toy Story rip off. Apart from the Despicable Me movies, Illumination Movies are considered mediocre at best.

It’s important for filmmakers to grow as artists to avoid becoming stale and complacent. But I’m not holding my breath in this case. I will say this film may serve as a good afternoon out for the family.

June 12:

ROLLING THUNDER REVIEW: A BOB DYLAN STORY

Coming to Netflix is this rockumentary from Martin Scorsese. Need I say more?

Scorsese had already made a documentary about Bob Dylan with No Direction Home. Now he narrows his focus to Dylan’s 1975 Rolling Thunder tour.

As if I need to defend interest in this movie. It’s Martin Scorsese after all.

June 14:

AMERICAN WOMAN

Sienna Miller plays Deb, a blue-collar woman struggling to make ends meet in a small Pennsylvanian town. She faces her worst nightmare when her teenage daughter goes missing, leaving Deb with her grandson. The film takes place over 11 years as Deb raises the baby and tries to find closure with her daughters’ disappearance.

American Woman’s already garnering acclaim from its premier at last year’s Toronto International Film Festival, especially from Miller’s performance as a desperate mother. It looks like the film will hook us into the desperation of a woman trying to keep a roof over her head. We may also see a realistic look at the struggle of living in poverty. In these moments, we may also see the strength that allows people like Deb to survive in such environments.

Sadly, it looks like this one will be swept under the radar unless Miller gains awards consideration.

THE DEAD DON’T DIE

Jim Jarmusch takes an unexpected turn into Zombie comedy with The Dead Don’t Die.

The little town of Centreville finds its peaceful existence threatened when zombies rise from the grave. That’s the plot in a nutshell. What could make this film stand out is the quirky characters including Bill Murray as Police Chief Cliff Robertson, Tilda Swinton as katana-wielding mortician Zelda Winston and Iggy Pop as a coffee-loving Punk Zombie. Also, among the cast are Adam Driver, Steve Buscemi, Danny Glover, Selena Gomez, Carol Kane, Rosie Perez, RZA, Chloe Sevigny and Tom Waits.

This is probably the least likely film for Jarmusch to make. He’s usually known for droll character studies. His films do have humor, but it’s usually low key. The trailers make this film seem like a broad comedy. I suspect this could be a trick by the trailer considering I see a few of Jarmusch’s trademarks; droll acting, eccentric characters and roles played by musicians.

I suspect that Jarmusch loved how George A. Romero inserted satirical commentary into the Zombie Genre because you can see similar elements in this film. Both films have zombies copying activities they’ve done in life. In this case, we see zombies holding cell phones and drinking coffee. It would be interesting to see what satire Jarmusch puts into the film.

MEN IN BLACK: INTERNATIONAL

We return to the intergalactic secret agency, though without Agents J and K.

A young woman (Tessa Thompson) has found the MIB Agency after decades of searching. This impossible accomplishment impresses Agent O (Emma Thompson) so much that O recruits her under the name Agent M. Her first assignment takes her to London, where she’s teamed up with leader High T (Liam Neeson) and fellow Agent H (Chris Hemsworth). Their case brings him face to face with the Hive, a gang of shape-shifting aliens. Cue an array of giant laser guns, flying cars and noisy crickets.

A spin off to such a successful franchise is a huge gamble. The chances of success are very slim[2], especially when the original films starred one of the most charismatic actors of all time. Yes, Hemsworth, Neeson and the Thompsons have a lot of charm, but filling the shoes of Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones is a daunting task. The film seems to have potential with a variety of environments, creative weapons and creative alien designs. Plus, it looks like the little alien Pawny (Kumail Nanjiani) could be a potential scene stealer.

There is hope in the form of Director F. Gary Gray. He’s proven his skills as an action director with The Fate of the Furious as well as underrated gems like The Italian Job and Set it Off. He’s also proved he can direct comedy via Friday. With this resume, it seems fitting for him to direct a movie like this. It may not hold a candle to the original, but at least this film looks like it will be entertaining.

June 21:

ANNA

Luc Besson really loves himself some lady killers, doesn’t he?

This time the lady killer is Anna Poliatova (Sasha Luss), a former Russian model turned Government assassin. There’s not much known about the plot beyond her boss (Helen Mirren) sending her to a job in Paris. It’s certain to involve Luke Evan’s character. It also looks like the film will be structured around an interrogation between Anna and Cilian’ Murphy’s agent.

But let’s be honest, you don’t really watch a Luc Besson film for the plots. You watch it for the badass action scenes and eye-catching visuals. The trailer certainly delivers on these, with one standout fight scene in a dining room, cultivating in Anna killing bodyguards using broken plates..

The question is if the plot is engaging enough for us to sit through two hours? Or should we just wait for the dining room fight scene to appear on YouTube? Unfortunately, his films have been lacking in quality in recent years. This one could turn it around, but I suspect this is another example of a director letting his style run amok at the expense of storytelling.

CHILD’S PLAY

Chucky returns to the big screen after a couple straight to video sequels.

Many of you know the story like the back of your hand. Single mother Karen Barclay (Aubrey Plaza) buys her son Andy (Gabriel Bateman) a Chucky toy. Then one night, Andy’s babysitter’s found dead outside of her home. And as everyone knows by now, it turns out the Chucky Doll (now voiced by Mark Hamill) is possessed by a serial killer who’s determined to pass his soul into Andy.

Like many horror fans, I’m tired of all the remakes of horror classics. Everyone knows they are lazy cash grabs. They are especially unnecessary we are seeing a growing number of original horror movies.

I will admit I find the idea of Chucky connected to the technology ala Alexa interesting. To think of him manipulating the environment present opportunities for more original kills.

This film will mark the first time Chucky’s not voiced by Brad Dourif. I have high hopes for Hamill, but like Freddy Krueger, you can’t imagine anyone else playing these characters because the original actors made the characters their own. You only hear Chucky’s voice at the end of the latest trailer, and it sounds a lot like Dourif’s. But it’s not enough to judge Hamill’s performance. I’m still not holding my breath.

THE COMMAND (or KURSK)

On one Saturday morning of August 2000, an explosion sends the 2000 K-141 Kursk to the bottom of the sea. Now Mikhail Averin (Matthias Schoenaerts) and fellow German sailors fight for survival. Meanwhile, Mikhail’s wife Tanya (Lea Seydoux) fights to get the Government to save her husband. British Commodore David Russell (Colin Firth) offers his men and equipment to rescue them but the bureaucracy led by Vladimir Petrenko (Max Von Sydow) prevent them from doing so.

Drawing from Robert Moore’s non-fiction book A Time to Die, The Command brings an unflinching portrayal of Government negligence putting innocent lives at risk and average people putting up a fight for those they love.

Director Thomas Vinterberg has had a fascinating career. He’s started out as one of the founding members of Dogme95, a film movement that involves making films as realistically as possible. Not only were you required to shoot improvised and on location, but you couldn’t even move the set pieces or use film lighting. This led to his most acclaimed film Festen (or the Celebration), an unflinching drama about a party where the staff helps a man reveal that his father molested his sister and drove her to suicide. But in recent years, he has flipped between sticking to his roots with the recent film the Commune and his Oscar-nominated film the Hunt and period dramas like Far from the Madding Crowd and this film. He’s proven himself just as skills with conventional films as he is with his Dogma.

This film has a better chance of gaining attention since it’s an English-speaking film. But this may be another film only show in arthouse theatres.

TOY STORY 4

Pixar returns to the film that jump started the revolution of CGI animated classics.

Woody (Tom Hanks), Buzz (Tim Allen) and their friends are enjoying their new roles as Bonnie’s toys. Now Emily’s new toy includes Forky (Toby Hale), a neurotic toy made from a spork, popsicle sticks and googly eyes. Woody makes it his duty to protect Bonnie’s new favourite toy. But Forky would rather be a disposable utensil than a toy. During a road trip, Forky hops out the window to freedom and Woody jumps out to get him back. Of course, they end up lost and need to talk a long journey back. Their long walk leads them to Grand Basin, a small town where a carnival’s taking place. That’s where he reunites with his old flame Bo Peep (Annie Potts), who enjoys an independent life alongside other antique toy. He also encounters arrogant Canadian stunt toy Duke Caboom (Keanu Reeves) and a creepy doll Gabby (Christina Hendricks), who’s determined to keep Woody at an old antique shop alongside her creepy Dummy henchman.

Meanwhile, Buzz is at Grand Basin to look for Woody. His attempts are undermined by the carnival, especially two hostile plushies Bunny (Jordan Peele) and Ducky (Keegan-Michael Key).

When Toy Story came out, it revolutionized the animation industry. Not only was it the first CGI-animated film, but it put Pixar on the map as a force to be reckon with. It also set a standard in storytelling for the later films to reach, which it kept surpassing with each sequel. Then it hit its highest peak with the third movie, which served as the perfect send off.[3] It’s exciting to return to the series. Albeit, there are some reservations about making a fourth movie, especially with how perfect Toy Story 3’s ending was. But with Andrew Stanton (co-writer of the original trilogy and the Director of Finding Nemo and Wall-E) co-writing the script alongside Stephany Folsom, I have a lot of hope for this one. And many want this to succeed.

WILD ROSE

A Scottish woman becomes a Nashville country singer. A feel-good premise like this is sure to make audiences curious.

The singer in question is Rose-Lynn Harland (Jessie Buckley), a troubled ex-con struggling to feed her family in Glasgow. Now she faces many struggles to get back on her feet and achieve her dream. Considering the fact many country singers were ex-cons, it looks like she’s off to a good start.

Audience members love themselves an underdog story and this one seems like an entertaining one. Plus, Buckley’s garnering acclaim for her performance. If this film gets enough attention, this could be a sleeper hit.

June 28:

OPHELIA

Based on the novel by Lisa Klein, Ophelia retells the story of Hamlet from Ophelia’s point of view. This can either be compelling or blah. It depends on whether the writing can go beyond just being “Hamlet...but with Ophelia” and present a whole new perspective on the tragedy and bring new dimension to the characters. There have been successful attempts with Paula Vogel’s Desdemona: A Play about a Handkerchief and especially Tom Stoppard’s Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead.

The question is, does Semi Chellas have what it takes to pull this off? The only real standouts in her resume are writing for Mad Men and the Romanoffs, which fit into the character-oriented drama like Ophelia. Director Claire McCarthy seems to do a lot of films of people traveling to foreign countries. Beyond that, nothing really stands out about her work.

What she does have going for her is an astounding cast including Clive Owen, Naomi Watts and Daisy Ridley taking on the title role.

YESTERDAY

What if you woke up one morning and found you were the only person who remembered the Beatles? That is what happens to struggling musician Jack Malik (Himesh Patel) when he goes through the classic trope of getting knocked upside the head and waking up in a world where weird shit like this happens. He takes advantage of this opportunity to claim credit for the songs and garner worldwide fame.

What does concern me is the premise can fill two hours of screen time. To me, this seems like it could fill a half-hour short film. It all depends on how engaging the characters are, especially Jack. If we can’t relate to him, it’s all over. There is hope with co-writer Richard Curtis, whose created classic romantic comedies including Four Weddings and a Funeral and Bridget Jones Diary as well as co-creating Blackadder and Mr. Bean. But he’s also written mediocre romantic comedies like About Time, so there’s no guarantee.

And then there’s director Danny Boyle, the man whose energetic directing style has provided such modern classics in every genre, whether they be anti-drug dramas (Trainspotting), biopics (127 Hours) or even an underdog story from India (Slumdog Millionaire). But his films have become more hit and miss lately, with no real standout since Steve Jobs.

There’s strong credibility but no guarantee.

[1] Most of this is because unlike other sidekicks, they contributed more to the plot beyond random gags.

[2] There are a few spin offs that succeeded both critically and commercially. Among them are Creed, Deadpool and Finding Dory.

[3] Plus, it’s the only sequel to win the Oscar for Best Animated Feature.

[theliterateape]

Hagatha the Dog Witch

By David Himmel

Hagatha was new in town. This was her third time moving in as many years. Most recently, she had been run out of Salem, Massachusetts for displaying characteristics held by women with an interest in the dark arts of magic. The people were right in accusing Hagatha of witchery because she was, in fact, a witch. She thought that Salem would have been a good place for a modern-day witch to reside in the way Germany was now perfectly safe for Jews to live. That Salem would be accepting to a fault in order to correct its terrible history of mistreating witches. Hagatha was very wrong.

Being in a new place is always hard. Hagatha was used to this difficult adjustment period but this time had proven to be far more trying than ever before. Hagatha, upon arriving in Chicago, had developed an allergy to cats. She tried Zyrtec, Claritin and Allegra, and all the potions and spells in her Witch Craft: Curses & Remedies book. Nothing helped. Her eyes watered, which made her face melt a little. Her nose ran constantly, and witch snot is essentially acid so she kept burning through her handkerchiefs and shirt sleeves. The only solution was to put her beloved cat, Gomez, whom she had had since she conjured him to life two centuries ago, up for adoption.

She took him to Paws. As she was walking out, tears melting her cheeks as they streamed down her face, she passed a volunteer finishing a walk with a terrier-hound mutt. He was only slightly bigger than Gomez. He was mostly black with brown markings on his feet and a tuft of white on his chest and neck. He looked playful and happy.

“Excuse me,” Hagatha said to the volunteer. “Is this dog available for adoption?”

“Yes, he is. Are you interested? And what’s happening to your face?”

“Oh, that.” She had forgotten about the whole water melts witches thing and that she’d been crying. She waved her hand over face and said quietly and quickly, “Restore, restore. Tears melt no more.” She responded to the volunteer, “Sorry about that. Yes, I’m interested.”

The adoption process went quickly thanks to a time lapse spell Hagatha cast. At home, she sat on her couch with her new pet sitting at her feet. Their eyes were locked.

“The mortals at Paws say your name is Sammy. That you’re about eight years old.” Sammy cocked his head a tad to the left and perked up his ears. “I don’t like that name. You’re more of a… Let’s see… What are you? Ah! Got it! Your name is now Gabriel.”

Hagatha waved her hands over the dog’s head and said, “Your name as you knew it is now gone. You will answer to Gabriel from now on.”

Hagatha often had trouble making friends. Mortals were put off by her strange appearance—she was a dead ringer for Stevie Nicks. And it was rare that she would find any other witches in town. If she did find someone like her, there was often resentment because those witches looked more like the evil queen in Snow White disguised as the old woman when she gives Snow the apple than a less obvious stereotype like that of Stevie Nicks. For all witches’ powers, there is a strict rule on transforming their Satan-given appearance permanently or for reasons of vanity. Hagatha was one of the lucky ones, if you’re into coked up rock stars. The only exception to this rule was healing yourself in the case you should have a run in with your own body’s watery fluids.

However, Chicago was different. Call it Midwestern politeness if you want, Hagatha found a group of friendly witches rather quickly. The Bucktown Athletic Club had a witches spin class. There were nine of them. They were all Bewitched witches so they looked like either Elizabeth Montgomery or Nicole Kidman. Hagatha signed up for the class right away. The Montgomerys and Kidmans took a quick liking to Hagatha and soon she was being included in more than just spin class.

“The meat is a variety of smoked and cured woodland creatures, and the cheese comes from the dairy bats and nefarious bovines of the eighth realm.”

 Morgana, a Montgomery witch the others looked to as the leader of the coven, invited everyone to her apartment for dinner and drinks after class one night.

“Martini Tuesday!” Morgana announced as the witches gathered their things after they all rebuilt their melted skin from all the sweating they had done in class. “Next Tuesday, my place. I’ll conjure up a scrumptious meal and we’ll have martinis to welcome our new friend, Hagatha! Please bring your pets! Our little furry friends should get to know her, too!”

A few days later, it was time for the dinner. Hagatha brought a bottle of Lamb’s Blood wine from New Zealand as a hostess gift. “Ooo! A 1736 vintage. That’s a great year,” Morgana said graciously. “Um, what’s that?”

“This is Gabriel. My dog.”

“Your dog!?”

“I’m allergic to cats.”

Morgana’s attitude changed immediately from welcoming to suspicious. “A witch who is allergic to cats? Whoever heard of such a thing?” She invited Hagatha in. The others were already there, drinks in hands, kitty cats—all black—resting on shoulders, rubbing against legs, and broom sticks leaning next to the well-stocked umbrella stand by the door. “Girls, this is Hagatha’s dog, Gabriel. She’s allergic to cats.”

The friendly party vibe instantly left the room. Hagatha tried to explain. “I wasn’t always allergic to cats. It happened shortly after I moved here. I love cats! I miss my cat every day. I mean, this may not even be a permanent thing.”

“Did you try taking Allegra?” asked Isobel, a Kidman witch.

“I tried everything,” Hagatha said. “Wow, Morgana, it smells amazing. What’s for dinner?”

“Change the subject. Good idea,” Isobel said.

“An old family recipe,” Morgana said as she snapped her fingers making a martini appear in Hagatha’s hand. “The first course is charcuterie and cheese. The meat is a variety of smoked and cured woodland creatures, and the cheese comes from the dairy bats and nefarious bovines of the eighth realm. Our main course is roast woodsman with a German-inspired Hansel and Gretel glaze. For dessert, ice cream sundaes.”

Hagatha could sense the others questioning her loyalty, her value to the spin coven. She did her best to remain calm. She forced an aloofness that she knew came across as awkward. Gabriel was a perfect canine. He sat at her feet and never once begged for any table scraps. The cats, however, would occasionally hiss at him from across the room.

“I dated a guy with a dog once,” Isobel said as Morgana used her magic to clean the dinner dishes and refill everyone’s martini glasses. “He was incredibly handsome. A doctor, so we often fought over the value of science versus magic. We were in love for a while there.”

“What happened to him?” Hagatha asked.

“I put a hex on him. Over the course of a week, he slowly turned into a dog. A werewolf, really. He came to me desperate. First he accused me of doing that to him, which I denied, of course. Then he begged me to cure him, to which I said, ‘No, James. Here’s your opportunity to prove to me that your fancy science is actually worth something. Go on and cure yourself.’ That’s when he went into a feral rage and tried to eat me. So I shot him through the heart with a silver bullet and fed his remains to Sacha here.” Isobel stroked her cat as it purred loudly on her lap.

“Why’d you put the hex on him in the first place?” Hagatha asked.

“Hags, weren’t you paying attention? He was a dog person. I mean, really.”

The others cackled.

“Dogs aren’t so bad,” Hagatha said.

“Tell that to Isobel,” said Morgana. One tried to eat her!”

They cackled again.

“Really, what’s so bad about dogs?”

“They’re so subservient,” Morgana said. “They’re so needy. Even in the wild. Wolves travel in packs. But a cat can thrive on its own—coming and going as it pleases, doing as it pleases. Cats are quiet and deadly hunters. And can you imagine riding a broom with a dog hanging its head off the bristles? And what in Lucifer’s name is with those pugs? Gross.”

More cackling.

Hagatha took a sip of her martini and scanned the room. It was clear that she had lost them. Being allergic to cats was one thing but being a dog person was apparently an unforgivable sin in the witch world. She thought she saw all of the cats begin to stalk toward her and Gabriel. Backs arched, teeth showing, hisses hissing. But she wasn’t sure since her allergies had made her so groggy and light headed. It didn’t help that she was six martinis in. Still, she recognized the threat. It was all too familiar. The witches' dinner party was beginning to feel like Salem all over again. She had to act. And fast.

"Fuck you. Dog witch."

Hagatha sprung from her seat on the chaise lounge. Her arms spread, wind began swirling around in Morgana’s Lincoln Park apartment. Hagatha’s flowy black dress moved in concert with the wind the same way Stevie Nick’s dresses moved with her while spinning in circles on stage with Fleetwood Mac. She levitated two feet above the floor, her raven-black hair turned to flames. Gabriel transformed into a hulking beast with eyes of solid onyx, three-inch long fangs and a tail of razors that sliced the chaise lounge in two.

The ten cats lunged at Gabriel. He fought them off with the demon’s talons in his large paws, piercing their backs and pulling their spines from their bodies. He whipped them with his razor tail shaving away at their pelts. Sacha, Isobel’s cat, attacked. Gabriel caught her in his giant jaws and chomped down liquefying the feline—her guts and fur spraying all over the room.

Before the other witches could make sense of what was happening, Hagatha cast her spell. “Here kitty kitty, so clever, so pretty. From friends who met on common grounds to pets of mine—eternal hounds!”

Lightning bolts erupted from the floor. Morgana and Isobel, and the others tried to scatter but the curse had been laid. One by one, the witches of Hagatha’s Bucktown spin class transformed into small, clumsy, adorable puppies. A golden retriever, a black lab, a huskie with one blue eye and one black, a miniature schnauzer, Spuds MacKenzie and so on.

Isobel defended herself with a force field of flames. Hagatha conjured a bathtub filled with water. She flicked her wrist and doused Isobel extinguishing her defense before turning her into a fluffy white Lhasa Apso with an adorable under bite.

“You bitch!” screamed Morgana who had transformed herself into sixty-foot long serpent with fangs of swords drenched in blood. She struck out at Hagatha. Still a beast, Gabriel deflected the blow and sunk his teeth into the serpentine scales. Morgana the serpent screamed in agony and fell limp to the floor. Hagatha hovered over her while Gabriel held her down. Black, bubbling sludge bled from her wound.

“We could have been such good friends,” Hagatha said.

“Fuck you. Dog witch.”

Hagatha tilted her head back and shrieked. The apartment exploded in dark red blood, the sound of children being tortured filled the streets before everything fell into silence and blackness.

Hagatha was standing again, her hair returned to normal—long, luxurious. The wind and lightning gone. The apartment exactly as it was when she arrived earlier that night except that instead of there being nine witches and their nine black cats, there were only eight puppies wrestling with each other and chasing each other around the main room. Gabriel had returned to his normal form and was playing with the puppies. Hagatha smiled at them. Then she turned to Morgana who was human again, a bloody hole in her stomach.

With an insulting wiggle of her nose, a la Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched, the strong, fierce, deadly Morgana was transformed by the great power of Hagatha into the most hideous and vile creation any witch could ever conjure: an old pug.

“Now then,” Hagatha said. “Who wants to go for a ride?”

And off they went into the night, each puppy on the broomstick it once owned in its human form. Hagatha rode with Gabriel hanging his head off the bristles. Morgana, the old pug, tried to howl at the moon but was unable to breathe properly and ended up popping her left eyeball from its socket.

Being a dog witch really wasn’t so bad. It certainly beat being a crazy cat lady. Hagatha needed to make friends, and no one likes the crazy cat lady.