#i wonder if andrew saw himself in neil

[sunriseabram]

I think Andrew's desperation to live is a little overlooked in the fandom. It's not explicitly stated in the books, other than his SH scars, but I honestly think it is so important to understanding him and his motivations.

Did Andrew ever plan to live past graduation? Before Kevin came along and promised his life would have worth? Did he plan on disappearing when Aaron eventually walked away from him? Believing nobody would notice if he was gone?

He clung on purely for Aaron, to make sure Aaron had a bright future ahead and could go live without him. To make sure that Nicky could go back to Erik without worry.

Before Neil, Andrew didn't believe he had anything to live for. He made a very one sided deal with Kevin to find something, anything, to build his life around after graduation, believing his brother would leave him alone once again.

Because at the heart of it all, Andrew doesn't want to die. Not really.

Andrew has chronic depression and he is suicidal. He sits on the edges of roof tops to feel. He puts his life on the line again and again with little regard for his own safety. He makes promises that put him at a severe disadvantage.

His promises are what keeps him alive, what forces him to live. Dying would break his promise, and Andrew has suffered enough from broken promises.

He doesn't want to die. He wants to survive those who beat him down. He wants to move on. He wants to get better. He wants to live.

He just doesn't know how.

[ninyard]

I just saw a post wondering what Andrew and Neil’s first proper argument is, and naturally I have to offer this:

Andrew and Neil don’t fight. They’ll ignore each other if they’re pissed off - but never for more than a few hours, or maybe until one of them has slept it off and decide it’s not worth it (usually Andrew). They’ll have tiffs but never over anything serious.

Except for in the months coming up to Andrew’s graduation. That is when I believe Andrew and Neil have their first real argument.

Andrew gets officially signed to his pro team around abouts the February of that year. It’s in a state further away that Neil expected, and since they found out, Neil keeps catching Andrew looking at apartments or researching the state and the team. He’s happy for him, of course he is, but he can’t quite identify what this feeling in his stomach is every time Andrew brings it up. The little fights that last longer than their usually bickering start not long after; Neil getting more pissed off by the little things Andrew does, Andrew having off-days with Neil more and more often, each of them asking for their own space because they know if they stay around each other they’re going to start a fight. It’s gradual in a way that they don’t realise for a little while that it’s getting worse, until just after the championship finals, and the season is officially over, when three days have passed without them talking for not much of a reason at all. Neil used his finals as an excuse, but Andrew didn’t have any good reason. After those three days, they’re finally alone in their dorm for whatever reason, and maybe Andrew has started packing or he’s just got some sort of welcome package from the team: everything explodes. Andrew tries to kiss Neil, and something feels wrong, and when Neil asks what the fuck is going on, all hell breaks loose.

Andrew doesn’t yell, of course he doesn’t, but he’s venomous. He’s asking Neil why he’s acting as if the world is going to end just because he’s graduating, he’s angry at him for becoming so dependent on his presence, he’s angry at himself for feeling like he’s found a future in Neil when this was never the plan. He was supposed to be nothing. A casual fuck, with an end date and no feelings but fuck if he can’t live his life without him now. Neil yells, because he does, and he’s angry that Andrew still seems so unsure about what they are, how comfortable they were, but suddenly things are different, and it feels like he doesn’t care. He’s angry at himself for building his life around Andrew, but he’s the only reason why Neil Josten exists. Andrew reminds him of that, and it makes everything worse.

It goes on for far too long, quickly becoming meaningless and just an excuse for either of them to vent out the frustration they’ve been keeping inside for months.

“You know that I won’t overstep your boundaries,” Neil points a finger at him. “So in your head it’s okay to treat me like shit and ignore me because you know that I will give you that space.”

He doesn’t even really think that, but every little thing, every little excuse is multiplied by a thousand when he feels this red hot rage. He hates the things that come out of his mouth, but Andrew gives it back, and his insistent refusal to back down just further butts their heads together and infuriates them both.

“I won’t chase after you because you’ve decided to allow me distance,” Andrew says, calm and ice cold. “You can’t invent boundaries for me and then be upset that they exist.”

Lows blows after low blows, unfair quips and insults from both sides, slamming of drawers and doors and throwing of things; they have never, ever fought like this before. It’s over everything and nothing at the same time. Andrew knew it was only a matter of time before campus security was called, but when he tried to tell Neil to calm down and lower his voice, it only made things worse.

They’ve been unkind and awful with each other for about an hour when Neil finds himself starting to get so furiously angry thats he’s upset, that he can feel himself being needlessly nasty with Andrew. For the first time ever he feels the tilt. He feels their foundations getting rocked, a crack in the base of the pyramid of their relationship that gives him the feeling that this might not last forever. He leaves their dorm with a slam of the door, and goes for a run. He hasn’t done that in a while, a run from his feelings, running from his problems and responsibilities. He’s not sure how long it’s been before he finds himself too far away from campus, because he just ran in a straight line.

When he checks his phone he realises he’s over an hour walk away from their dorms. He almost calls Matt, and hesitates over Coach’s phone number, but instead he clicks Andrew’s name. It’s only ringing for two rings before the ringing ends and there’s a quiet hiss at the other end of the line. Neil double checks that he’s answered, because Andrew hasn’t said anything, and brings the phone back to his ear.

“Can you come pick me up?” His breathing is heavy, all of his anger drained out through his feet with every single step that he took to get further away from their dorm.

“Where are you?” Andrew is quick to respond, and Neil can hear him already picking up his keys.

Neil tells him the name of some bar that he can see, and Andrew hangs up almost instantly afterwards. Neil starts to put his phone away, used to the abrupt endings of phone calls, but wishing he would say something more. He puts his phone away and wonders why Andrew can’t just give him something. He’s not looking for a Love you! Bye! But maybe just an answer that let him know he was listening. but then it starts to ring again, and it’s Andrew, and Neil doesn’t say anything when he answers.

“I’m leaving now,” Andrew says. There’s something in his voice. “I’ll be there in about twenty minutes.”

“Okay,” Neil responds. “Thank you.”

Andrew hums in acknowledgment, but this time he doesn’t hang up immediately. He hesitates, but he’s somewhere outside now.

“I will always pick you up.” He says after a while, after he’s shut his car door and the engine has rumbled to life, and maybe it sounds like I love you, I care about you, I need you. Maybe it sounds like I need you to know that i can’t lose this.

“I know,” Neil says, and it sounds like I can’t do this without you. “Thank you.”

Andrew waits a second or two then before hanging up, and Neil waits for him by the curb. Andrew is there quicker than twenty minutes later. Neither of them say anything as Neil slips into the passenger seat, and neither of them say anything as they pull away. Neither of them say anything until Andrew has switched the engine off, and the car is sitting in its parking spot. They look at each other then, and maybe then they understand what’s happening.

“I’m not above telling you that I don’t want to leave here,” leave you. “But this was always a certainty. You’ve had plenty of time to prepare.”

“I thought that I had,” Neil tells him.

It’s the truth, in some way. He realises then that all of these little fights, and growing agitation, and this almost primal urge to push Andrew away was how he’d prepared. He’s been trying his hardest to soften the blow that it would have on him, and if he pushed him away first, then it wouldn’t hurt when he inevitably pushed him back or let him go. Only, that was never going to happen, and that’s what made it worse - nothing could happen to them now that would not bring them back to each other. So when Neil pushed and pushed and pushed and Andrew was constantly hitting a wall instead of a door, all they were doing was filling the room with resentment.

They sit in the car then and talk about the reality: Andrew was moving away in just a few weeks, moving further away than they’d ever been apart. The truth was that regardless of whether or not Neil decides to spend the summer with him, August would come, and Neil would go back to PSU, and Andrew would stay wherever it was that he was staying. They’d been fighting more in a subconscious test with each other, to see if one of them were going to give up, to see it this was the thing that would finally tear them apart. They talk about that, too, as difficult as it is for Andrew to be honest about that kind of thing. Neil asks him if he thinks it would be better for them to break up, to give each other space, to let Andrew flourish on his new team and meet new people and grow into himself as a professional exy player. It’s the first time either of them have acknowledged the possibility out loud with each other, and it destroys Neil to ask it, and it destroys Andrew to hear it.

Andrew thinks about how Exy was supposed to be the deal with Kevin: how he was supposed to come off his meds, and Kevin would give him purpose, and he would find something to live for in the sport that would not love him back. Instead he gave him Neil. That was his something to live for, and while he’d started to learn how to live for himself, and he would eventually survive without him, he didn’t want to. He couldn’t. He would sooner give it all up just to keep him, and Neil knew that was the truth.

Neil thinks about how Neil was supposed to be temporary. Now it was the future, it was Andrew, it was a long and successful life. Neil Josten did not have an expiry date anymore. He could have things that were his own, things to keep, things to live for.

They knew it wouldn’t be easy, but as the evening went on, and they stay in that car and talk about the future, they’d truly come to the understanding that neither of them can lose each other. They will always be half of one another, and no amount of distance can change that. It’s hard conversation after hard conversation, and it’s emotional in the way that Andrew and Neil get emotional. All the fighting ends up being a catalyst for possibly the most personal, deep, intimate discussion they’ve ever had. There’s lots of silences and voices that threaten to raise but stay low. There’s a lot of questions, and answers, and questions without answers, too. Buts it’s needed. Andrew could not leave PSU without them having this conversation. If he had, I think they would’ve struggled a whole lot more with the distance, and the conversations they would have afterwards would’ve been far more difficult.

Ultimately that’s where they end the conversation sometime past midnight - with a semi newfound understanding of where they stand with each other, what they are, what the future means for them. It’s a fight that needed to happen, and in their own ways they apologise for the things that they said. Maybe they don’t say sorry, they just say everything is going to be okay, and distance will not be the thing that ruins this.

I don’t know. I really do think it’s a fight that’s needs to happen. I think it’s a terrible, angry, nasty argument, and they both feel awful about the things they said and did, but it had to happen. Yeah, could it have been communicated with words? Sure. But Andrew had to understand how afraid Neil was of losing him, he had to understand what Neil was doing to protect himself from it. And Neil had to understand that Andrew was always, always willing to fight for him, but he couldn’t do that if Neil wasn’t willing to see that he would.

[sadboyjacinter]

we all talk abt how funny it was that it took three people to get andrew to stop choking kevin, but what abt kevin? do u think kevin, who believed andrew would never hurt him, saw andrew lunge at him and was stricken with fear? do u think he remembered riko? do u think he pleaded in french? i know kevin is cool with andrew after but i do wonder if the way he saw andrew after was a little different. if he had to remind himself that this was andrew he wasnt really going to hurt him. right? do u think he was jealous that suddenly neil mattered more when that was supposed to be kevin?

[merceyca]

Hold Tight

Andrew and Neil accidentally crash Abby and Wymack’s carnival date.

The fairground was rife with people and noise. Andrew had warned Neil that this would be the case, but the screaming, the music, the crowds; it all had Neil wondering what the appeal of a day at the fair could possibly be.

The day itself was drawing to a close, the sky turning a deep orange and fading to purple at the edges. Andrew had flown in that afternoon, and when Neil picked him up from the airport he happened upon the flyer for the Palmetto State fair.

Although, after spending ten minutes there, Neil came to the conclusion that they should have just had an easy night at home. Murder, She Wrote reruns were a better alternative to this.

Andrew caught him by the shoulders, yanking him out of both his thoughts and the warpath of an ice-cream-wielding toddler. Neil checked himself for stains, but he remained unscathed.

‘Thanks.’

‘Those jeans are designer,’ Andrew informed him.

Neil shook his head, smiling. He opened his mouth to respond when a familiar voice called, ‘Neil! Andrew!’

They both whirled to see Abby hauling Wymack over by the hand. She was beaming, her hair free from its customary ponytail and whipping around in the breeze. Wymack appeared to be reevaluating his life choices.

Neil met Andrew’s amused look with an identical one of his own, allowing Abby to catch him in a hug when they met them halfway.

‘I didn’t know the two of you were coming here tonight,’ she said fondly.

‘The warning would have been nice,’ Wymack added, less so.

Neil fought the childish urge to stick his tongue out at him. Living in the dorms with just Robin was beginning to have an effect on him.

‘We didn’t intend to crash your date,’ Andrew said, sending a meaningful look down at Abby and Wymack’s joined hands.

‘And what noble reason do you shits have for being here?’ Wymack returned.

‘Candy floss hunting,’ Andrew said at the same time Neil said, ‘Breaking in my jeans.’

‘They’re designer, you know,’ Neil continued when Wymack cast his eyes heavenward.

Abby laughed at their antics. ‘Have you tried any of the rides yet?’

‘Er, no.’ Neil tried to think of how best to skirt around the topic of Andrew’s acrophobia, but Andrew beat him to it.

‘I sustained a head injury in last week’s game,’ Andrew lied. ‘No roller coasters for me. So sad.’

Abby frowned. ‘A head injury? In which quarter? We watched the whole game.’

‘You must have blinked,’ said Andrew. ‘I’m going to line up for food if you want to take him on something puke-inducing before we eat. Coach?’

Wymack sighed but seemed to accept that his date had been crashed. ‘Yeah, take the kid on that death trap you pointed out earlier.’

‘The one you said would put your heart to the test?’ Abby asked.

Wymack huffed. ‘We’ll meet you by the tables.’

‘Are you sure?’ Neil asked Abby. ‘If you don’t want to—’

He trailed off when he saw that Abby’s green eyes were alight with excitement. She clutched his arm. ‘Come on, Josten. Don’t chicken out on me now.’

Neil couldn’t help but laugh as she dragged him across the fairground. The years between nurse and striker fell away, and suddenly they were both kids, nervously boarding a ride called The Crazy Coaster that allegedly spun as it sped over the tracks.

Abby’s joyful squeals accompanied the swoop in Neil’s gut at every drop, making him laugh harder. They took the first two dips facing forwards, but the biggest one was coming, and their carriage was turning.

‘Oh, god. Oh, god,’ Abby gasped, her hand fumbling for Neil’s. ‘Neil, we’re backwards.’

Neil managed a hysterical, ‘What do you want me to do about it?’

Abby finally caught his hand and gave it a firm squeeze. Neil held tight to the woman who had patched him up so many times he’d lost count, who kissed his forehead and cheered him on at every game, who brought him on this stupid ride and showed him that surrendering your control to wheels and cogs and gravity could actually be fun.

The two of them shared a pair of frenzied grins as Abby said, ‘Here we go,’ and then they were falling.

[jtl-fics]

Fluent Freshman - Part 18

PREVIOUS

Weirdly enough the only thing that FF can think of as they head down the stairs is the first Saw movie.

That one happened IN a bathroom right? He kind of watched all of them in a row to prepare himself for whatever Andrew might decide to do to him. But he’s near positive that one happened in a bathroom. It was derelict and he didn’t think it really had running water (or did it? Didn’t the guy wake up in a half-full tub? His memory is hazy in his bathroom related desperation and may be trying to protect him from thinking about water).

All leading to the main thought going through his head as he slowly headed down the narrow stairway to his death.

Would Andrew let him use the facilities before he’s handcuffed to a pipe?

The worst part about all of this is that he is not sure if he needs to take a dump or if he just needs to fart, he knows he has to take a piss. He’s read that when you die your body will relax and it’ll all just flow out of you and Nicky gave him these pants so he feels bad but he also does not want to face his death without pants. If he needs to take a shit then they’re definitely going to be absolutely ruined, if it’s a fart well…Andrew can’t kill him any further? He can mutilate his corpse a little but FF won’t be around to experience it.

No matter what he’s definitely going to piss himself. He had way too much water at Sweeties trying to consume the spicy ice cream.

You may be wondering why FF has not run away from his predicament and is walking down these steps without protest or comment or plea for his life.

First of all he is pretty sure that if he makes any sudden movements he will ruin these pants that Nicky bought for him. Second of all Andrew had already told him once that he wouldn’t accept any pleading for mercy he still remembers how he asked Andrew, “Please give me back my pen?” and Andrew had shot him a look that had his stomach cramp and his fingers itch for the bottle sweet pink relief in his backpack.

“I don’t like that word, don’t use it around me.” He said.

FF ever the pragmatic sort, “Which one?” He had asked because he had said a few, “I don’t want there to be a misunderstanding.” He followed up with when Andrew glowered at him only for the glare’s intensity to increase 10 fold.

“Don’t use the first word of your first statement or the last word of your second.” Andrew grit out and got up to leave without a word.

Message received loud and clear Andrew did NOT like words ‘Please’ or ‘Misunderstanding’.

So FF knows that any pleading for mercy would ABSOLUTELY result in Andrew not letting him take a bathroom break before him and Captain Neil make destroying him into a couple activity. The fact that Captain Neil is here is a bit of a shock but maybe Captain Neil has finally gotten the other Freshman Dealer up to snuff.

Maybe Kevin really did want to dissect him to figure out how Strikers keep passing straight to him?

They reach the door at the bottom of the stairs.

Ah, time to face the music.

At least he’d texted Gran that he was going to die when they had gotten into the club and the bathroom had not made itself readily apparent. Sure it was about his current ‘gotta piss / gotta shit’ situation but he’d been wise to keep his cause of death vague in that text.

The door opens and…

This is the NICEST torture chamber FF has EVER seen. (And after his desperation watch of all the Saw movies he has seen quite a FEW)

“Minyard, Josten, and Guest. Table 6 is yours.” A voice comes from the side and when he looks over there’s a man in quite a nice uniform standing behind a soft-lit bar polishing a glass looking every bit like a bar tender at those high-end places you see in movies. He looks around a bit more and there are some other people down here. It’s not quiet per se but it is a comfortable level of noise in comparison to the IQ dropping noise upstairs.

“C’mon Smith.” Andrew juts his chin towards a table in the back.

FF follows but continues to try and fit this nice little room into his world view.

Do these people watch other people get tortured to death for fun on a Friday night? Unlikely considering the upholstery on the booths and chairs looked like it’d stain if blood got on it. Was this perhaps a trafficking location where Andrew would sell off his organs to the highest bidder? He looked at the other patrons who seemed a bit higher class than the general club scene upstairs but not like they had the money to buy one of his kidneys. Maybe-

“Do not tell Nicky about this place, ever.” Andrew says as they slide into the booth. FF nods but can’t help but tilt his head slightly in an unspoken question, “He would absolutely tell any and everyone about it. Eden’s wants to keep this place a secret from the general public.” Andrew explains.

“Nicky currently thinks that there’s a straight swingers club down here.” Captain Neil says with a huff of laughter.

“Eden’s is cool, even though there’s some sick shit in the basement.” Floats through his head again.

What the fuck was a swinger?

His fingers itch for his phone but he’s currently talking with Andrew and Captain Neil so that’d be rude but they’re talking to him like he absolutely knows what a swinger is and he DOES NOT.

“It’s quieter down here. Figured you’d prefer it.” Andrew says as he gets up and heads towards the bar down here where the bartender was aggressively cutting ice chunks.

He and Captain Neil sit in silence for a few seconds before Captain Neil offers him a slight smile, “I know you’d rather be with your grandma and you and Andrew prefer not to say things out loud but we’ve really liked hanging out with you.” Captain Neil says.

????????????????????????????????????????????????

That’s such a nice thing to say to someone.

Especially someone like FF.

Especially especially when they’re planning on killing him?

He hopes his confusion stays off his face as he nods once. “It’s been fun.” It’s not even really a lie. Thanksgiving yesterday had been nice and loud and FF had missed the chaos of a Family Dinner more than he had ever realized. The car ride had been…a time but once he’d asked Andrew to either keep his eyes on the road or let him out Andrew’s hands had stayed at 10 and 2 and the ride had been smooth. Aaron and Nicky’s weight against him had been nice too, a warm memory before he developed a possible life long aversion to whipped cream. He’d gotten to go Black Friday shopping and Captain Neil even helped carry it home for him. Baking bad been nice even if the stress of doing it with his life on the line was less so. The subsequent nap and day spent doing normal college guy things had been…it’d all been nice.

It’s starting to feel like….

“Drink this.” Andrew puts a drink down in front of him.

No Andrew definitely wants his bladder to burst.

“What is it?” He asks instead looking at the creamy looking drink with suspicion.

Andrew rolls his eyes as he hands Neil a fruity looking drink as he sits with what is a few fingers of scotch. “It’s virgin.” Andrew says not answering the question at all and must pick up that FF won’t be drinking it until he gets the full answer because he continues after a moment, “It’s like a Pina Colada but with bananas instead.” Andrew answers.

It’s not that FF hates banana but why in the world would Andrew grab him this? Was it just one of the few virgins options on this place’s fancy menu or-

“Bananas will help get your stomach acid back down.” Andrew says, “Since you’re an idiot and ate that mango ice cream just because you wanted to impress that girl.” He rolls his eyes.

“Impress that girl?” There weren’t any girls at the table and how in the world would him eating that god-forsaken spicy ice cream impress anyone other than Betsy. Even Betsy would only be impressed by the depths he was willing to reach just to avoid what he perceives as an awkward social situation.

“The waitress.” Neil reminds him as if that cleared anything up.

“Yeah,” he says as if he has understood the conversation but he has not. “It was spicy mango.” He says because maybe if he keeps the conversation going he’ll get enough context clues to understand what might be his last conversation.

Andrew let out a huff of laughter and pushed FF’s drink closer to him, “Drink your fancy Banana smoothie Casanova.” He says.

No closer to understanding the conversation he accepts that it might be something that only becomes clear after he sheds his mortal coil and is no longer given a -10 INT debuff by his full bladder and revolting stomach.

He takes a sip.

Oh that’s actually pretty good.

It feels like he can feel it sizzling in his stomach and soothing the discomfort there. Maybe he should look into Banana smoothies as a replacement for what Abby has called a ‘concerning co-dependence’ in regards to Pepto Bismol. No one can put him on a medical watch if it’s just banana smoothies he’s chugging down like they’re going out of style.

“Thanks,” he says, “that was good.” He admits before reaching into his jacket and moving past the Megamind toy and grabbing his wallet. “What do I owe you for that?” He asks.

“We’re even.” Andrew waves away the money.

“You bought the stuff for breakfast, those brownies, and the pie tomorrow.” Neil says and FF blinks surprised to hear that they were talking about the pie he didn’t think he was going to get the chance to make.

“You don’t need to buy a spot with us.” Andrew says and FF leans back slightly at the intensity on Andrew’s face as he says it. “I invited you here because I wanted to. The brownies were good but if you don’t feel like making the pie tomorrow? It’s not like I’m going to drive you back to Palmetto and leave you on Abby’s doorstep.” He says.

FF feels gears start to turn in his head.

“It’s good pie.” He hears himself say.

“I didn’t even know about the pie when I invited you.” Andrew says and…

Andrew and FF sit in silence but honestly it’s not like Andrew’s sharpening his knives. The two of them mostly just do their own work or read. FF has been getting his German literacy up to snuff so that he can read the language when he goes there to visit Nicky’s fiance next year. He likes how serious Andrew is about learning it so that he doesn’t have to ask Captain Neil a thousand questions and it’d be nice if Andrew wasn’t obviously planning on murdering him.

Andrew brings dried apples and sends Captain Neil along with probiotic yogurts to their meetings. Both of those things tend to soothe his stomach and the yogurt that had been unflavored before was now vanilla which he liked a fair bit. It would have been a really nice gesture if it wasn’t for the fact that Andrew was making fun of his tummy troubles.

Andrew will put his foot down in practice sometimes when Kevin is getting too demanding wanting to know exactly how FF intercepted his passes to Neil. Kevin always backs off and Andrew will do the same when Jack starts to get a little too personal in his attacks at FF or when Sheena decides she’s going to be a bitch. It’d be nice if it wasn’t Andrew staking his claim that he was the one who was going to make FF’s life miserable.

Andrew drove FF around for an hour after Greg had shown up. He found out later from one of his friends that Andrew had threatened Greg after he had power walked away into the building. Andrew had driven him around and had only started heading towards the tower when FF had relaxed. It would have been nice if Andrew wasn’t trying to lure him into a false sense of security.

Andrew had invited him to his Family’s house over Thanksgiving when the bad storm had ruined his Thanksgiving plans. Andrew had threatened Jack to stop him from eating his Grandma’s pie and complaining about it. Andrew had stopped messing around with Captain Neil when FF had made it clear he was uncomfortable being in a car where the driver wasn’t paying attention to the road. Andrew had twice made him go to bed in the last couple hours.

It’d be nice if…

“We’ve really liked hanging out with you” Captain Neil had said.

Andrew was just trying to be nice.

Embarrassment rolls over him like a wave but FF has many years of pretending like he’s not going to die from embarrassment, “Thanks for inviting me. I’ll still probably make the pie tomorrow.” He offers.

Andrew’s eyes change slightly and FF is under the impression that he’s happy to hear that.

“Just enjoy your drink Smith.” Andrew says.

FF does go back to sipping his drink and letting more and more memories of things Andrew had done come to him and lets his embarrassment grow.

He finishes his drink and only then realizes that he is a code red in terms of bladder capacity. The new knowledge that this is not a torture chamber but in fact yet another overture of friendship from Andrew paired with his desperation finally loosens the question from his mouth, “Where’s the bathroom here?” He asks.

“There isn’t one downstairs but just head up stairs and hug the wall to the left.” Captain Neil answers.

“Bring your phone. If Frank doesn’t recognize you to let you back in.” Andrew reminds him.

FF nods and heads out of the club and up the stairs.

He might be doing a bit of a potty dance so he forces himself to become unnoticeable because he does not need cool people at a cool club to see him about to piss himself. Once he enters into a stealth mode that the United States Military would like to talk to him about he hugs the wall and nearly cries tears of relief when he sees a door labelled MEN.

He doesn’t think about the possibility of letting up on stealth mode because he is sure that he is about to make a face that he does NOT want any human being to see when he unzips his pants and starts to take the world’s most life-affirming piss on the planet.

As his bladder empties his brain is able to process the understanding that he had come to down in the basement he had thought would be his final resting place.

Andrew has been trying to be nice (and succeeding it was all so nice! He feels like an asshole! He is an asshole! Gran always told him that assuming makes an Ass out of U and Me. He had just thought it was funny grandma humor not valuable life advice!)

The night wasn’t going to end with Andrew’s knife in his stomach, it was probably just going to end with Nicky puking on his shoes (which is fine because these are the shoes Nicky was letting him borrow for the club anyways, they’re his shoes to puke onto.)

A secondary relief fills his system. His stomach, soothed by the Banana smoothie and now this, feels like it might actually let him live through the night.

While FF was distracted with a piss that would have made any number of cult leaders jealous with the number of divine revelations he was experiencing he failed to notice a second man enter the bathroom.

There was a reason that FF always ALWAYS became noticeable when he was at a urinal and the man who came to the urinal right next to him was showcasing that VERY reason.

He was trapped here for at least ten more seconds and he could hear the man grumbling distractedly but didn’t really pay it too much attention until…

“Fucking Wesninski Brat.” He grumbled under his breath.

Oh god dammit.

NEXT

MASTERPOST FOR ALL PARTS OF FLUENT FRESHMAN AU

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[humongousgothskeletonfarm]

tsc thoughts while reading (beware of spoilers) starting with -

david wymack my fucking beloved

also i never rlly liked/cared for thea but her scene with jean and her nickname for him was cute

chapter 3 thoughts:

jeremy being in awe of neil and the foxes is giving me life

fanfics with alvarez in them gonna go crazy now that we actually have a first name for her (and don’t have to invent one)

oh they rich rich (in reference to jeremy’s family butler?!)

jerejean first interaction!!!!

chapter 4:

omg sunshine court mentioned

having the sudden realisation that i can never read fanfics that have jean’s perspective or anything about the how the ravens work, raven!neil/aftermath of the kings men in the same way again

my neighbours are having a party and while i’m loving the music and absolutely jealous i’m not there, it’s really distracting me from reading

ngl i rlly miss neil and andrew and the foxes please let me see my family soon

‘ what you hold onto is less important than the act of holding on itself’ nora sakavic shut the fuck up you philosophical genius i’m gonna cry this is so real to me

renee i love u

WIT WTF JEAN IS NINETEEN I DIDNT KNOW THAT OH MY GOD BABY HE JOINED THE RAVEN LINEUP AT SIXTEEN WTF

i’m drinking red wine while reading and i think that’s appropriate… also i’m listening to that jean moreau playlist someone made and it’s mega depressing https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5zlPt63Ap0AjJQ1Ff5OKrd?si=75oEzLE8SO-bfJwewM8Evw&pi=a-ge04jIlVTJGY

this is so funny to only me but i’ve been hyperfixating on one direction again and zayn just dropped new music so everytime i read about jean’s raven roomate zane i think of one direction and confused myself a bit about what fandom i’m reading rn

fuck riko u sick fucking fuck u put jean into a box with a singular hole for air and left him to die u fucking cunt

KEVIN ASKING JEAN TO PROMISE NOT TO KILL HIMSELF AFTER NORA WROTE COUNTLESS DRAFTS IN WHICH JEAN KILLED HIMSELF WHILE ON THE PHONE TO KEVIN AND THE ONLY TIME SHE DIDNT KILL JEAN OFF IS THE VERSION SHE PUBLISHED AND THE REASON WE GET TO HEAR HIS STORY TODAY IM SO BROKEN

jean’s ‘gift’ from the ravens with his broken magnets, blacked out postcards and angry letters is making me cry he deserves so much better

slowly realising that this book is gonna be super triggering lol whoops

a cool evening breeze 🥲

THAT CREEPY LITTLE GOALKEEPER IS MY FAVOURITE GUY OK

‘kevin saw nothingn but the court, but jean had stopped hoping for more than that years ago’ shut the fuckkkk uppppp i cant do this anymore kevin/jean relationship is so deeply important to me (i say this about everything)

chapter 5:

SECOND NEIL/ JEAN INTERACTION OF THE BOOK IM SO FUCKING EXCITED

‘of course it’d be you, you tedious malcontent’ ‘good morning to you too’ is so ‘morning sunshine’ ‘fuck you’ coded (neil and matt bromance confirmed)

the amount of mitski on this jean playlist is making me sick

FUCKING SCREAMING OMFG THIS IS THE JEAN/NEIL CONTENT I YEARN FOR

‘abominable cockroach’ aww jean u say the sweetest things 🥰❤️ neil loves u too babe

literally devouring every last scrap of information jean feeds us about neil - his slow, hungry, hateful smile and the madness in his eyes (neil baby i love u never change)

oh jean don’t diss aaron, do u know how many fanfics have been written about u two

tsc is confirmation that jean moreau will come into ur house and judge u based on the contents of ur fridge (and then throw out ur stash of lollies)

‘to have a real match as a palate cleanser’ jean is really trying to win my favour by borrowing neil’s sassiness huh (no wonder i love them so much together) ((and yes i know he’s BEEN sassy ok))

jean reaching for the tv screen as if he could save neil and describing andrew running for neil as if hell was on his heels is making me absolutely giddy idk whether to scream or cry i’m doing both and i’m giggling

I bet on losing dogs is so jean moreau coded omg

holy fuck nora, the moments after the raven/fox match when riko tries to kill neil is fucking amazingly written. reading from jean’s perspective as he watches the game on tv, the tension, the breathless anxiety and confusion of the scene is palpable i coukd fucking taste it, my chest is tight just reading it

JEAN SAYING ANDREW WILL BE COURT IS IMMACULATE

[fairvstairs]

INSICURE NEIL!!!

It starts when one of the new foxes makes a comment about Neil's appearance. He was used to it, the others were gone and the new ones were just so curious about what happened to him. He was ready to take whatever was coming to him. Or so he thought.

"You are wasted as an exy player, let me tell you that. That pretty face covered by an helmet? Humanity deserves better."

Neil had never seen his teammate so talkative. She was a pretty quiet girl but always ready to argue when she was convinced of her ideas, always by herself, always alone, she reminded him of himself. Or maybe his past self. He hadn't been alone in a long time. Maybe that's why he was feeling so low: he was alone again for the first time since... everything.

He is just a phone call away.

He reminded himself and the aching pain in his chest faded a bit.

"You are so high right now."

The girl had taken a pretty big hit during one of their games and he was doing his duty as her captain by staying at her side. Apparently the morphine had started to kick in.

"Maybe but you're still the most beautiful guy I've ever met and I'm saying this in a complete platonic way."

And maybe Neil should have stayed silent but she was so high and he was just so tired to keep everything to himself.

"Maybe before the scars."

She looked at him for a minute before huffing a laugh.

"If you really think that then you don't know the meaning of beautiful"

It was a short but weird interaction. A bit stupid if he really thought about it but- he just couldn't stop thinking about it. People stared, girls and boys asked for his number, fans posted pictures of him and he even received a pretty explicit picture once but he never thought much about it. He didn't really care what people thought about him.

He knew he wasn't exactly known for taking care of himself. Andrew was the one who always bought him clothes and shampoos and fancy body wash and conditioners (why he couldn't use a 3 in 1 he didn't know) and, for a split moment, he thought that maybe that was Andrew's way of making up for his appearance. Fix his wardrobe and his hair because he couldn't fix his body.

That idea went away as quickly as it came but that big feeling that he couldn't name was still sitting on his chest. Andrew took care of the people that he loved, Neil knew that. It was his thing even if people didn't really notice it. But that night, when they were video chatting like they usually did on Thursdays, Neil couldn't help but ask.

"Do you ever wish I looked like I did before?"

Andrew concentrated his eyes on him.

"Did someone say something? Is that why you're asking stupid questions?"

"A girl from the team may have indirectly said that-"

He took a breath.

"That I am just as beautiful as I was before and I was wondering what you thought about it."

Andrew didn't respond immediately and he started to think that maybe the answer would never come but, eventually, the blonde focused on him and whispered.

"I think that maybe some of your teammates are smarter than they look."

Neil laughed softly while letting out a breath. He was holding the phone with one hand while the other was sitting on his chest, he was spread on what used to be his side of the bed, in which he now slept alone, and while looking at the imagine of Andrew in his phone, aligned with his side of the bed, his breath didn't come out as shattered as the others.

"I miss you."

Andrew didn't answer but Neil saw his face relax a bit.

"Tell me about what you did today."

And even if Andrew threatened to hang up every time Neil mentioned exy, he still stayed on the call until Neil couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. That's when he heard, in the darkness of their rooms, a soft whisper.

"I miss you too junkie."

They didn't talk about that topic again but, two weeks later, when they were finally alone in Columbia, while they were wrapped in each other and had to forcefully break their kisses to breath, while every "Yes or No?" became almost imprinted on their skins, while the clothes became less and less and the noises kept growing, Andrew made sure to kiss every single one of Neil's scars.

And when Neil was inevitably alone again and he found himself staring at his face in the mirror, the only thing he could think of was the feeling of Andrew's lips on him.

-

Hi everyone! Again, English is not my first language so there will be mistakes. I'm a sucker for soft!Andreil, it's a problem. These are not their canon personalities!

[ashestoashes7]

Thoughts about kevjean and kandrew dynamic ?

So, so many of them. thanks for asking, anon

With Kevin and Jean, they’ve almost grown up together. Jean taught him French, Jean taught him a whole mother ingrate shared between just the two of them. Neil was gone, Jean’s misplaced forever partner was out of his reach and there was no perfect court fill in to take his place, but Kevin was right there. So Jean taught him French, grew closer and closer to a partner who wasn’t quite his but was the closest there could be to someone for Jean to rely on. Promises and secret smiles and how could Jean not fall for someone as beautiful and perfect and flawed as Kevin Day? And even when Kevin was at Palmetto, he had Jean’s number. He called, and Jean answered. What Jean and Kevin shared was special and rare and born from sparks of kindness in a world that wouldn’t tolerate such tender inclinations. Kevin went out with Riko on their press appearances and elsewhere and in a million scattered places he found pieces of Jean in trinkets he saw along the way. Kevin’s affection was in secrets and French and pins and postcards. And Kevin cares enough for Jean to make sure he can get out when Renee brings him back, arranges for his transfer to USC because he believes that is where Jean can have the opportunity to thrive.

Now onto Kevin and Andrew <33

Kevin and Andrew came together when everything was wrong and twisted and falling apart around them. They looked at the ruins of the other—apathetic and grasping at thin air & lost and glancing at every shadow like the broken shards of his future would be taken from his bloody grasp—and sat there handing each other the pieces. Kevin was the first person to tell Andrew he was worth something, and Kevin trusts him. Kevin and Riko originally went to recruit him for the Ravens and perhaps when Andrew refused it wouldn’t have been as clean a breakaway if Kevin hadn’t intervened. A goalie like Andrew? They Ravens would have wanted him, and his denial wouldn’t have stopped them from getting him in black and red one way or another. But I think in TSC they mention that after they didn’t get Andrew Riko mocked Kevin for a while and I wonder if Kevin stepped hard enough on ‘he’s not worth it’ to keep Andrew from Evermore. And Kevin promises him something to build his life around when they seal their deal. It’s a heavy promise to make, especially considering Kevin’s prior promises, but he takes it because he looks at Andrew who practically the whole world has written off as some form of ‘not worth it’s and sees something worth fighting for even if one of his most difficult opponents will be Andrew himself. The first time Andrew smiled once he was off his medication was for Kevin. Kevin branded his progress across his cheek and Andrew actually smiled because Kevin needed to see it, that he was Kevin Day and this was Andrew Minyard who truly believed in him and the future they may yet live to create.

[ok555ficideas]

polished up bit of the next chapter of "Soldier, Poet, King"

Kevin and Wymack were driving in the car in complete silence. The last time Kevin was this nervous, he was on his way to visit an injured Jean at Abby’s back in spring. His heart was beating so fast, he was sure that it would beat right out of his chest. His hands were sweating and no amount of wiping them on his jeans was helping the matter.

“You okay?” The voice next to him broke the silence. 

“What-, “ he didn’t fully register the words coming his way at first, they came to him after a second or two. “Oh, yeah, I’m just worried about her.” 

That was an understatement, but he didn’t want to be a burden right now. Wymack has already done so much for him, it would be unfair to ask for more. 

“Didn’t know you two were close.” 

Kevin didn’t like the sound of Wymack’s tone. He heard that one before. He heard it repeatedly when the man was referring to a particular pair of Kevin’s teammates. 

“You know how Andrew and Neil are. Every time they even look at each other, I feel like I’m interrupting.” He didn’t want to sound bitter, but he knew his voice was full of it. 

He still hung out with them. Andrew was still keeping an eye on him and Neil practiced with him at night and they talked about Exy for hours, but he still felt left out. 

 “I’m still not used to being alone so, I had to find someone else to bother with my existence.” He continued full of self-pity. 

He knew he was difficult to hang out with. No one ever wanted to listen to his rants about Exy, except for Neil and even the redhead got easily annoyed by him at times. He tried to talk about his other interests, but despite his best attempt he always sounded like a know-it-all. He didn’t want to make other people feel inferior, but he always had trouble modulating his tone. 

“I’m glad you have friends aside from Andrew.” 

Kevin scoffed at Wymack’s words. He shook his head and quietly chuckled to himself before speaking. “Me and Andrew are not friends.” 

“Aren’t you?” 

“Andrew doesn’t have friends.” Kevin tried to not sound disappointed, but failed miserably. 

“He also claims that what he has with Neil is nothing.” Wymack pointed out and the gears in Kevin’s head started to turn. He didn’t want to think about that, he didn’t want to get his hopes up. “Regardless of that,” the coach continued,  “I’m glad you have Aaron and Katelyn, and you know, if you ever need to, you have me too.” The last part was uncharacteristically quiet. 

Deep down Kevin knew it was true, but he still couldn’t bring himself to open up to Wymack as much as he wanted to. But that was on him, not on the other man so, he felt the need to reassure him that he was doing a good job at showing it. 

“I know, thanks da-” Kevin had it at the tip of his tongue, but swallowed the rest of the word and tried to awkwardly navigate it into another, “vid,” He cleared his throat and purposely avoided looking at the other.

There was an awkward silence, and Kevin wanted to slam his head against the car window. Of course, he had to ruin such a good moment between them. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Why did he always have to be so awkward? 

“Sorry.” His voice was barely audible, but Wymack heard him. 

“Hey, no. Don’t be sorry, take your time.” The reassurance in the coach's voice made him feel even more guilty about the situation. 

“You are, you know” he stumbled through his words in a rush to make Wymack understand that this was not on him, “I mean obviously you are. I told you that already, but I see you like that too. It's just hard to say.” He paused for a second and wondered if he really wanted to reveal what was going through his head. “I saw him like that once, too,” he hated how small his voice sounded, “but I wasn’t allowed to call him anything, but master. It’s been a long time since I even wanted to, but I guess it still sits with me.” 

Kevin knew that this wasn’t the only reason. The master was only part of it, a part that he very much wanted to get rid off. He wanted to never think of that man ever again. He hated how much power he still held over him, how scared Kevin still was. Even in his head he still couldn't bring himself to call him anything, but master.

Thank you @gravitysthrall for inspiring the last bit.

[weziu]

When Neil looked up he saw his reflection, and instinctively recoiled. It was almost comical, the way he moved in that moment, and he wondered for a second after if a bystander noticed him and laughed. His arms tensed up, his eyes widened, and his entire body flew backwards like someone pushed him hard enough to fall. He was lucky that he didn't spill the coffee, lucky especially because it was too expensive for its worth, but Andrew liked this cafe more than he'd like to admit.

Neil tested himself, sometimes. He straightened again in his seat and stared straight ahead. if he let his eyes rest, his vision blur, he could see past the glass, could see the bystanders that walked by in a hurry, or the dogs that stopped to bark at each other, or the way that the leaves hanging from the trees swayed in the wind. But this was one of those times. Neil let his vision focus on his target, let his picture gain shape, slowly, on the surface.

It came together, broken.

Neil Josten can not exist without his past. Despite that, he sometimes wishes that he could forget it. Was there any reason, really, for the scars that litter his face? What is he when you peel this all off, let the rawness of his heart speak instead? The lines on his face felt like broken puzzle pieces. His blue eyes, a monster, a certain death. Maybe these reasons are why his reflection scared him - he could not see his face without seeing what once was, what once happened, what he ran away from for so long, and when he tested himself, he wanted to see how much of that will to run away he still has left. How much of the deep learnt instinct still flowed in his veins.

Andrew's coffee burnt his tongue when he took a sip. From his left, a bell rang. Footsteps that he'd recognize everywhere got closer, but he still looked towards the noise, just to look. Andrew's hazel eyes glowed under the yellow, warm lightning of the small place. He glanced at the table, and frowned.

"How long have you been here?"

"Hmmmm." Neil answered.

"Is my coffee cold?"

Andrew sat down. Neil pushed the cup towards him. Andrew touched it and nodded in something like satisfaction. Neil looked at every line that made Andrew's face, and wondered if Andrew sometimes tests himself, too. How often.

"It's cold outside," Neil looked away, overwhelmed. "I didn't bring my coat."

"Of course you didn't." The weight of Andrew's gaze almost made Neil give in to his bottomless feelings. "I told you to check the weather."

The window stared back at him. The world outside seemed miles away from his reflection. From his world. Two dimensions, unfamiliar. They don't touch. Not often.

Andrew took a sip from his too-sweet coffee. Neil's tongue burnt, but Andrew gulped the drink down with ease and closed his eyes in appreciation, or maybe for a moment of disconnect. Neil put his hand on the table. Andrew reached out to meet him halfway. Their hands didn't touch, not really. It was a simple poke of fingers against each other, an awkward thing they studied how to do. Few fingers overlapped each other. The world, again, seemed far away, but in a comfortable way, now. Neil's body relaxed for the first time since he sat down here. Tension left his body, slowly. It was warm, he realized. Warmth surrounded him.

He thought of people, and wind, and dogs. Of his dad and his knives, and almost laughed with the shock of it all. Dimensions, parallel, but they meet somewhere, even if he can't experience it fully. Andrew. His friends. The cigarette packs he hid from Kevin, the sun, sometimes, or the way it lands on Andrew. There was still a barrier between what he knew and what the rest of the world did, but right here, in this cafe, sitting with Andrew in silence and watching him sip his coffee, pushing back the less pleasent memories, leaving the cold for later, he thought that maybe his dimension isn't so bad. He survived so far.

ao3 link

[stabbyfoxandrew]

🕊️ WIP Wednesday 10/18 🕊️

Send an ask telling me to work on one of my WIPs! One ask per person this week, please. (I might reopen it later on, but to start us off please stick to one each. Thanks. <;3)

ALSO: If you didn't see the amazing art @tidalst made for the Angel Neil AU, please check it out here.

1. Vampire Andrew AU 2. Guardian Angel Neil AU 3. Mafia Front Restaurant AU 4. Arsonist Neil / Firefighter Andrew AU *click the links for masterposts for each au!

Here’s Angel Neil (Part 50):

After evening practice finally ends, Andrew trudges his way through showering and getting dressed. And when they get back to The Tower, he sits in the stairwell for a moment. He’s not sure he’s got the energy to talk with his angel tonight. Andrew is bone tired. Both from the fatigue that comes with actually participating in practice and from the knowledge that Neil is a just very pretty hallucination.

Hallucination or not, he’s waiting for Andrew upstairs. Andrew debates for a moment. Who is he to deny himself such company? He pulls himself to his feet and heads up.

Neil is waiting right outside the door, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Did you see me at practice? I waved.”

“I saw you,” Andrew nods. What does that say for his mental state? Andrew wonders where else Neil will pop up now that he isn’t confined to the roof. Should he inform Betsy of this development? About the roaming angel in his head?

“I’m glad.” Neil beams. Then he laughs. “Fuck. You were magnificent, Andrew.”

“Magnificent, huh?” Andrew says with a low sigh. He starts to light a cigarette and Neil nods.

<- previous | first | next->

[ninyard]

please can you explain what kevins part of the deal wth andrew is because ive never really understood it and i feel like you probably get it

Okay. So. (tw; brief sh/suicide mention)

My understanding of Kevin and Andrew’s deal in the best way i can possibly explain it and HOPEFULLY i saw what i mean and it makes sense:

TLDR: Kevin promised to give him purpose, and Andrew’s waiting to see if that’s even possible.

There’s this part in TRK where Kevin tells Neil about their deal -

I’ve seen a few posts about Andrew’s mental health recently - about how Andrew wanted to recover, how he wanted to survive.

I think it’s hard to imagine Kevin and Andrew’s relationship sometimes because we see so little of it aside from Kevin keeping his pills, but there’s this;

I think it was Andrew who told him this. Andrew told Kevin that without his drugs he was destructive and joyless, in whatever context it was mentioned in. He told Kevin he had no ambition for life. (or because Neil says he tried to “remember her exact words” he talked to her? Read the files? But what are the chances of that?) I like to think that early on before they’d made their deal, Kevin asked him about his meds and Andrew told him. I think he’s quoting Andrew, who quoted his counsellor.

We know Andrew was struggling with self-harm. I know when Neil described Andrew’s scars as “up and down” his arm, it most likely means in a literal sense - from the top to the bottom of his forearm, but coupled with this;

I wonder if Andrew’s depression led him to have a closer relationship with suicide than we think. He had 12 psychiatrists before Bee. What are the chances that all of them are from after Cass? (ie Andrew’s mental health journey started before her)

STICK WITH ME HERE.

Regardless of who told him what, I think a part of Kevin saw that Andrew having no purpose was dangerous. I think Andrew himself worried that without his meds he’d fall back into this rabbit hole of having nothing to live for, having no purpose, having no point to continue living. And Andrew wanted to survive. Any excuse to live was worth it. Even if he didn’t believe in it himself, even if he saw it was pointless - leaving us with:

Going back to that first quote “he’s waiting to see if I can keep it.” If it’s even possible. It’s like finding tiny reasons to stay alive when you’re suicidal - I can’t kill myself because my favourite band might release new music. I can’t kill myself because my favourite tv show was cancelled, but there’s a chance it might come back. I’ll never hear my favourite person laugh again, I’ll never see the sunset again, there a chance that I’ll miss being an uncle, or I might miss my brothers wedding, or I might miss the invention of something life changing. My favourite band that broke up might get back together again - it’s unlikely, but I have to stay alive just in case.

Exy might be my purpose, and even if I don’t believe it, I still need something to live for.

So Kevin gave him something to live for. He believes in him.

Kevin was the first person to see any worth in Andrew - maybe since Cass, maybe ever - and Andrew knew that.

So Andrew gave Kevin his game; even if he won’t play with Kevin because he thinks it’s funny or whatever.

When Kevin came to PSU, he needed a reason to stay, something that would make transferring to the team worth it. And he knew Andrew was worth it. He knew how Andrew could play, how he should be court. Sure, David was there, but Kevin stayed because of Andrew. Andrew offered him protection, and then gave Kevin a reason to believe in the foxes. Every other player might’ve been dog shit and not worth a second of Kevin’s time, not worth his talent, not worth investing in.

But Andrew was.

Andrew could be court.

If Andrew promised Kevin he would allow him to give him purpose in Exy, then that gave Kevin reason to stay. Does that make sense? Kevin wouldn’t have stayed infthe Foxes were actually the worst team in the league. But with Andrew there, they weren’t, and that was reason enough to stay.

Kevin sees Andrew’s worth - he sees what he can do to keep Andrew going, so when Kevin says “he’s waiting to see if I can keep it,” I think it’s Andrew waiting to see if he’s right. Can he actually give me a career out of this? A life out of this? Maybe it’s a lack of self worth on Andrew’s part. He clearly doesn’t care about how good he is. But does he know? Does he even believe it?

So he’s waiting for Kevin to keep his promise. To prove that he’s good enough. To prove that Exy can realistically actually be his purpose.

But Andrew both believes and doesn’t believe that that’ll ever happen. He’s a walking contradiction. On the one hand he says out loud, “im waiting for Kevin to give up,” but I don’t think he means: im fucking with him and don’t believe him. I think he means: im waiting for him to finally see in me what I see in me, which is somebody who isn’t worth it. It comes from a place of self doubt/lack of self worth. It comes from a place of not believing he actually has anything to live for. It comes from that self destructive instinct that he has.

Andrew wants to survive, but he doesn’t believe that he can.

Andrew’s deal with Kevin: I’ll keep you safe and give you a reason to stay*

Kevin’s deal with Andrew: I’ll give you purpose and something to live for*

*but neither of these things can exist without the other. Kevin won’t stay if Andrew doesn’t see that he’s good enough for Exy to be his purpose, if he doesn’t let Kevin prove he was right by believing in him. If he doesn’t, then Kevin can’t give him something to live for.

Kevin promised to give him purpose, and Andrew’s waiting to see if that’s even possible.

Does uh. That make sense?

[foxgloveinspace]

Spoonie Neil headcanons (pt. 1/?)

Hey I decided to write this, and probably won’t be updating this headcanon series, sorry guys!! (You have to be logged into ao3 to read it)

It all starts when Abby jokingly says ‘and remember, the normal amount of pain is no pain’ as they get ready to start a game. He rolls his eyes at first, but then that night when he really thinks about it he starts to wonder to himself

Is the pain I remember having constantly from a life on the run and then a life of constant practice?

He takes a couple nights off of extra practice, making Kevin pissed at him, and Andrew silently concerned, but him pulling back in day practice as well has most of the team on edge for the week it keeps up.

On that Saturday he walks into Abby’s office and sits on her table, and looks her right in the eye and says ‘I have pain all the time. I have been in constant pain since I was a kid. I don’t know if it’s something my dad did, or if I’ve always been like this.’

She’s concerned. Duh.

They do some tests come up with 🤷🏼 it’s pain.

She asks Neil if she should tell coach or if she should, and he says he’ll take care of it.

He doesn’t.

He doesn't tell anyone and starts practicing hard again.

Except that now that he knows about it, it's harder to ignore.

The constant ache in his left hip and ankle that are just barely there, the way his fingers hurt after it gets cold, when he feels it down to his bones.

It's all harder to push to the back of his brain now.

Kevin notices first. (Andrew knows something is up, he just figures Neil will now tell him about it....) He notices Neil rubbing his left knee in the hall once, when he thinks he's alone in between classes.

He corners Neil before night practice, Andrew already in the goal, and them putting on their gear.

'you pushed yourself too hard, your injured, you don't play while injured' lecture.

'it's not an injury.' 'I saw you rubbing your knee, and limping. Stop Lying to Me'.

He ends up shouting it, 'Im always in pain'. He's so loud even Andrew stops what he's doing (swinging his racket around, practicing sick af spins).

They all stand there. not saying anything, Neil's panting even though he doesn't even feel out of breath.

'what.' Kevin says it in an icy voice.

'im always in pain, I have chronic pain, I don't know why, but I hurt all the time.'

Kevin is quiet. and then he says, Neil's worst nightmare, 'we're not practicing tonight.'

Neil hasn't shed tears since he was a kid, since before his mom knocked it out of him (literally), but he's close in that moment, taking off his gloves and throwing them on the ground/at Kevin, and stomping back into the lockers.

Kevin doesn't even say anything, just picks them up and Andrew walks out after them, having come close enough to the door to hear the conversation.

When they get back to the room, Neil just wants to be alone. But instead Kevin follows after him, and pushes him down on one of the bean bags.

'stay'

Neil's leg hurts too much to really argue, but he sits there stewing.

Andrew is staring at him fron across the room, he's sitting on his desk, and Neil looks at him, but he can sort of read Andrew's expression, and he doesn't like it, so he looks at the black tv screen.

the microwave goes off, and Neil almost jumps. he almost does again when the door to it is slammed shut.

Kevin comes back in the room, holding a heat pack.

He walks over to Neil, and drops down to his knees in front of him, 'which knee?'

Neil shakes his head, and presses his hand to his hip, and Kevin lays the heat pack over Neil's side, and Neil makes a quizical sort of noise, but then he sighs as it starts to ease the pain a little.

Kevin hesitates for a moment, his eyes flickers toward Andrew's direction for a second, before he sighs, and reaches up to ruffle Neil's hair.

'I'll teach you how to take care of it better, ok?'

Neil sighs, but nods, his hands curling in the front of his hoodie.

'We'll try ice for your knee, hows that sound?'

Neil just nods again.

he dozes to the sound of Kevin and Andrew discussing compression leggings.

they get them overnight shipped.

Kevin places both hands on Neil shoulders and stands him in front of Coach until Neil finally tells him.

'Yeah, so. Me and Abby figured out I have chronic pain.'

Coach nods, 'ok. That why you where late this morning?'

Neil cringes, 'no, Kevin got me weird leggings that seem to help.'

Coach pauses his watching of the rest of the team, and turns too look at Neil, 'when did you and Abby figure this out again?'

Neil, finally getting fidgety, 'uhh, last month.'

Coach pinches the bridge of his nose, 'ok, dipshit, I'll work on changing your routine now.'

the tension melts out of Neil's shoulders. Kevin sighs. David looks frustrated, 'did you think I was gonna bench you?'

Neil doesn't do anything, but Kevin nods his head.

David sighs, 'get back to practice idiots.'

[allsassnoclass]

HELL YEAH!!! can i get uhhhh #9, an I'm so proud of you kiss? pairing, fandom, etc is all up to you :) ill read it even if im not in the fandom go fkn crazy ily xoxo

hi @clumsyclifford!!! alrighty let's throw some fake college sports players in here.

jerejean: I'm so proud of you kiss

Jeremy goes to find Jean after a few minutes, weaving through the crowd of his teammates and the Foxes until he reaches the edge of their party's sphere, out in the sand where the light from the bonfire has no hope of reaching. He stumbles over Neil and Andrew, drawn hypnotically to the bright cherry of the cigarette they're sharing, but neither of them question where he's going or make any attempt at conversation. Neil simply tilts his head to the left with a knowing look, and Jeremy nods in thanks once he spots the shadowy figure sitting yards away in the darkness, looking out at the waves.

Jean doesn't look up as Jeremy approaches, chin resting on his knees as he looks distantly out at the ocean, where the horizon line blends too deep in the darkness to discern what is sea and what is sky anymore. Jeremy flops gracelessly down next to him, kicking up sand and checking to be sure Jean isn't shying away. He relaxes when he doesn't. Jean still doesn't do well with isolation, but he's an introvert at heart and needs his space. After the events of today, Jeremy isn't surprised that he retreated down the beach to be alone, but he also knows that it's the kind of alone that Jeremy is welcome to interrupt.

It makes his chest fill with warmth, being one of the people that Jean doesn't need energy to be around. It's a privilege that he doesn't take lightly, especially when so few people in Jean's life have been safe. For him to have found a group of people to love and be loved by in return is no small feat, and it's something that they've gradually cultivated together in the past year.

For a moment, Jeremy thinks about the first time he saw Jean in person outside of a court, watching the shell of a man cautiously approach him at LAX with only a few t-shirts, a tattoo, and years of abuse to his name. He would never have predicted that they'd be here now, only a few weeks shy of a year later. Jean has grown in ways too numerous to list, but Jeremy has changed, too. It's a mutual metamorphosis, made more important for the way that they've grown in harmony with each other, filling in each other's gaps while leaving room for the other person to stretch and flourish.

Of course, one other difference is that they're NCAA champions now. It isn't a new title for Jean, but Jeremy suspects that this one feels sweeter, more earned.

This is a win that Jean should feel proud of, one untainted by the shadow of black wings and bruises. A championship that has nothing to do with the number that used to be tattooed on his face and everything to do with the person he has decided to become.

"What are you thinking about?"

Jeremy tilts his head towards the quiet, lilting sound of Jean's words. His accent has lessened slightly over the year, either due to less necessity to use his French without Kevin around or being surrounded by people who never stop talking in loud California drawls, but it still colors his words like a swash of blue in a sunrise.

Jean never wants to return to France, but sometimes Jeremy wonders if he would enjoy visiting Canada or Haiti, somewhere that he could use a version of his native language without ghosts following him.

"Jeremy?"

Jeremy blinks, bringing himself back to the present rather than some unnamed future with the two of them wandering around Montreal.

"I was thinking about our win," he says when he can remember what Jean's original question was. Jean huffs, but the sound is fond. Jeremy can't see much in the darkness, but he can picture Jean's expression perfectly. He's not smiling, but he's softer, relaxed and open enough that Jeremy can read his intention.

"How does it feel to be a champion?" Jean asks.

"Amazing," Jeremy sighs, tipping his head back and remembering every hour of practice and hard-fought game that brought them here. Despite the backlash from his decision to cut down the line last year and all of the negative press surrounding Jean's transfer, they made it all the way to the championships and came out on top. It was a battle in more ways than one, but it was absolutely worth it for the look on Kevin Day's face when Cat stole the ball from him using a technique that Jean taught her, then slammed the ball down the court for Jeremy to catch and score.

The team as a whole has grown exponentially. Jeremy has never pushed himself harder, and it wasn't all sunshine and smiles on the court this year. Still, they held it together, and as turbulent throwing a former Raven into their midst was, Jeremy has never regretted the decision to bring Jean to them.

"It's sweeter because I could do it with you," Jeremy says.

He glances at Jean out of the corner of his eye. He doesn't duck his head bashfully, and he doesn't freeze awkwardly the way he used to when Jeremy would drop a sappy but sincere compliment months ago. He simply lets the sentiment wash over him, keeping his focus on Jeremy.

"I'm glad you are happy," he says. Jeremy reaches for his hand, fingertips dragging along his forearm and wrist until Jean turns to thread their fingers together.

"What about you?" Jeremy asks. "How does it feel to be a champion this time?"

Jean takes time to consider his answer. Jeremy listens to the distant sounds of their teammates and friends over by the fire and the gentle sounds of waves hitting the shore while he waits. A breeze gently shifts his hair, light and crisp enough that he nearly shivers.

"I didn't think it would mean this much to me," Jean says quietly. Jeremy squeezes his hand once, then relaxes, giving Jean the space he needs. "I knew that winning with the Trojans would feel different, but the Ravens won because we were expected to. You and I won because we deserved to this time. Because we fought harder and wanted it more."

"And you did it all without a red card, even though Neil was being annoying," Jeremy says.

"It felt good to beat him," Jean grins. "That was very satisfying."

No one felt like it would be a good idea to make Jean block Kevin, not with everything he's told them about scrimmages in the Nest. While he played with Neil at Evermore as well, it was never while Neil was playing striker, and Neil only features in a fraction of the traumatic memories that Jean has recounted. Jean has been doing great in his sessions with Betsy and has grown a lot in his recovery over the past year, but no one wanted to risk prompting a flashback during the championship game, when the eyes of the entire public and Ichirou Moriyama would be on him.

Jean seemed to enjoy playing against Neil, anyway. Jeremy still doesn't understand their relationship and probably never will, but it was one of Jean's best games. Neil ran him ragged, but both of them seemed satisfied with their individual performances, and Jeremy overheard Jean tell him to have a winning day while stealing the ball at one point.

It's taken a long time for Jean to be able to have fun on the court. Healing is slow and non-linear, Jeremy knows that better than most. The progress that is visible, though, is much more gratifying because of it.

Jeremy looks at Jean, tracing his outline in the blue shadows. He takes in the relaxed slope of his shoulders, the enticing tilt of his head, the self-satisfied smile that Jeremy can barely see gracing his lips in this light. He looks like he belongs on this beach, relishing in his win with dozens of people who love him only a few yards away, holding hands with someone who adores him.

It's amazing, what a difference one year can make. Jeremy's chest feels warm and full, ready to burst.

"Hey," he says, squeezing Jean's hand. Jean turns towards him with a questioning noise. Jeremy tugs on his t-shirt, coaxing him forward until he can lean up to press their lips together. Jean responds once he catches on to Jeremy's intention, relaxing against him and sliding his free hand around Jeremy's waist. Jeremy presses forward, trying to transfer as much of the feeling in his chest to Jean as he can. He curls his hand around Jean's shoulder, partially to draw him closer and partially for his own stability. Jean sighs against him, and Jeremy can't help but smile into the kiss.

When they part a few moments later, Jeremy watches the way that Jean's eyes take a moment to flutter open.

"What was that for?" Jean asks. Jeremy smiles and brushes his thumb against Jean's cheek, right over the small heart tattooed there.

"I'm really proud of you," he smiles. Jean ducks his head, leaning into Jeremy's palm. "You've come a long way."

Jean wraps his hand around Jeremy's, pressing it against his chest.

"I couldn't have done it without you, Jeremy."

Jeremy doesn't think he'll ever get used to the way his name sounds in Jean's mouth, his accent curving around it and voice soft as music.

"Still," Jeremy says. "I'm really proud of you, Jean-Yves."

Jean ducks his head again, but Jeremy can't have that. He reaches for Jean's jaw again. Jean knows him well enough to evade and kiss him instead, the perfect distraction. Jeremy is happy to let him get away with it, because that was his end goal anyway.

They stay on the beach together for a long time. When their friends eventually find them, Jeremy watches the way that Jean lights up as Cat tackles him in a hug and he playfully banters with Kevin, two things that would've been impossible a year ago. Jeremy keeps hold of his hand, both of them on top of the world with no plans on coming down.

[capcavan]

I love media analysis and I saw your discussion questions so...yea sorry about the length. (I'm open to discussion)

Look, I'm new here (been here for about a month) so I wasn't aware people don't like Riko? I personally quite like him as a character and didn't know that's not a particularly popular opinion? But I'm of the firm belief that not all villains are meant to be "redeemable". You can understand or sympathize with their motivations and character, but that's not the same as having redeeming qualities. And I think Riko is one of those characters who doesn't have redeeming qualities. He's supposed to be a hated villain. Heck, his first appearance in the series is literally him swooping in on stage to dark ominous music, dressed in black like a bloody supervillain. He gets all the "classic abusive ex" lines, an obscene amount of power, and some really bizarre unhinged moments (ex. handcuffing Neil to a bed and spitting in his mouth).

We're told right at the top, "Hey, this guy is a villain and he's not going to stop being a villain." So he's pretty easy to hate if you are just trying to get through the story. The last character in a novel I really hated was Professor Lovell in Babel by R.F. Kuang. He's another one of those characters you are meant to hate but you're also meant to comes to hate him slowly. You see him from the eyes of the person he abused so you get to see what it's like for the main character to slowly realize that this man who starts off by saving him and giving him a home is and has always been, a terrible person.

Riko doesn't get that treatment. We see him first from the perspective of someone who has never met him but already hates him (Neil) and second, from the perspective of someone who's suffered him and hated him for a long time and is already done with him (Jean).

If he ever had any good sides, the reader doesn't see them so it's easy to hate him. But I would argue, that's the point. We're supposed to see Riko as the insane abusive ex and we're supposed to wonder along with Neil and Andrew why the fuck Kevin can't let him go. Like, what's so good about this ludicrous supervillain that you can't even shit-talk him behind his back?

But Riko's not actually a one-dimensional supervillain. Neil says it straight up and gets it exactly right (he's kind of just spit-balling but Riko reacts to it like he's been read to filth) -- that Riko was brought up as a commodity and not as a human, that his delusions of grandeur were encouraged and that no one ever wanted him as a human (not his uncle, not his brother, certainly not his father). TSC does a lot to confirm it with descriptions of how he was treated by his uncle and how he obsessed over the letter about Kevin's father along with Kevin.

But ultimately, I think the reason why Riko doesn't get as nuanced a treatment as one might like is because the main conflicts the characters overcome have nothing actually to do with Riko. Neil overcomes fear and mistrust in others, Andrew overcomes his fear of letting himself have anything good. Even Kevin's conflict is more about asserting himself than about fighting Riko. (And Jean has so much trauma, Riko's barely a drop in the bucket.)

Anyway, I like Riko because I think properly sadistic villains are fun and because I think he's an interesting character.

This ask read like very sexy Riko fanfic anon drop your ao3 so I can check something for myself ty, if not let me commission you for some riko writtign after I get cash

[03josten]

hi friendoo. i saw your post about fics and i was wondering if you had any aftg fic recs. i remember you recommended me once "under the kitchen lights" and nothing beat that fic since...i reread it so many times...

roro u know this has been sitting in my drafts for weeks and i didn't want to post it until i was satisfied but it was just gonna rot here if i didn't post it now. i'll add to the post if i think of any more.

just linking these in the order i find them or think of them, some of them are unfinished and older

Neil never made it out of Baltimore.

Six years later, Andrew has his life together, more or less, but he's far from okay. When Bee convinces him to change the scenery and go on a trip around Europe, he knows this isn't going to fix anything.

Except, he's sitting on a train in Switzerland across a ghost who's staring at him with a familiar crystal blue gaze and no spark of recognition in his eyes

Neil has temporary amnesia, and Andrew is disconcertingly attractive. This is especially disconcerting because Neil was pretty sure he didn't swing. Nicky is endlessly pleased by the entire situation.

Andrew Doe had been on the streets since getting released from an Oakland juvenile facility six months ago. He'd made his way down the California coast, and had been living in a homeless encampment on Venice Beach for the last two months. He'd made a decent life for himself and felt relatively safe and settled--until a boy with a worn-out duffel bag and haunted eyes appeared at his corner of the beach and threw his life into chaos.

Andrew becomes a cliché and joins a travelling circus after falling for the pretty sword swallower.

A year post-canon, when they thought they were safe, Neil goes missing.

Neil dug into the bag, through the snacks, and stared. In the bottom was a bottle of red hair dye. Not natural red, like Neil's, but something more… firetruck. It was darker than that, but that was the closest word Neil could think of.

"Oh," Neil said dumbly. When he looked up, Andrew was already looking at him.

"Oh," Andrew mocked.

Andrew and Abram meet in California, only for him to be wrenched away by the Moriyamas - until he shows up at PSU four years later.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45407749

Neil desperately does not want to talk to her. It doesn’t matter how many times Andrew tells him Betsy is very good at her job and could do a lot to help him; Neil doesn’t need anyone rooting around in his brain trying to fix him, thank you very much. He knows he’s fucked in the head, but he’s been dealing with it by himself for his entire life, and he’ll keep dealing with it on his own until the day he dies.

But Andrew is exactly the problem, today, and as strong as Neil’s dislike for Betsy is, he knows that if there’s anyone who can advise him on how to approach this…issue, it’s her...

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45405370

Andrew finally lets his emotions in - the good and the bad.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45297673 this one is SEXY

Yes or no?" Neil asked as he pulled away, a grin on his face.

Andrew contemplated. He felt good. He had woken up comfortably, and the presence in bed beside him hadn't set him on edge. Him and Neil had been together for years, but sometimes he still woke up and put space between them. Neil always understood, but there was a crease in his brow for the rest of the day whenever it happened. Today was a good day for Andrew. Not just okay, but good.

"Yes," Andrew decided.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/42678765/chapters/107211447

The next universe over, life has gone a bit easier on Andrew. He’s gainfully employed as a nurse of all things, working beside his best friend Renee, and living in relative harmony with his brother, the recently graduated Dr. Aaron Minyard. Everything’s fine.

It’s fine that he hasn’t spoken to Kevin in person for three years. It’s fine if Aaron’s leaving him to marry his stupid doctor girlfriend.

It’s fine until the boy with the box-dyed hair stumbles into the ER and passes out at his feet, bringing a world of secrets and trouble with him.

And Neil? Neil’s looking for any port in a storm.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/45106720

The Monsters come to Columbia for the summer. There is lemonade and sweet tea, video games, ice cream and Andrew in muscle tees and short shorts. Neil is having the best summer of his life.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/27625013/chapters/67588202

Neil joins a band, gets laid and starts a mob war.

Andrew met a guy at a bar. Sort of. He had a one night stand with the guy he met at a bar. Sort of. Then said guy he met at a bar and had a one night stand with became a regular hook-up. Sort of.

Now the guy he met at a bar who became a regular hook-up after a one night stand keeps a toothbrush at his place.

Sort of.

Fuck.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47047513

"Andrew realized what he was seeing but he couldn’t comprehend it. He didn’t know how to help. There was no enemy to deal with – there was just Neil seizing on the floor and Andrew didn’t know what to do." _____ Neil starts having seizures and Andrew tries to help.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47005483

A hot guy moves in downstairs. Allison sees him first.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/46988053

Andrew was a southern boy, through and through.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/46033726

After an upbringing lacking in mundanity, Neil just wants to live a “normal” life. He’s got a home, a circle of friends, a job — why not give casual sex a shot?

Neil tries out poetry and he and Andrew are disgustingly in love.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47394898

Neil is on just a few more drugs when the Feds come to the hospital after picking him up from his father's basement, and doesn't cause enough of a ruckus to get the Foxes brought to his hospital room. Stuart takes him back to England instead.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47377012

Just falling in love.

(I've reread this fic maybe 8 times...10/10)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39298077

Neil's adventures in playing for the world's crappiest college Exy team, featuring highlights such as a meet-ugly of star players Kevin Day and Andrew Minyard, a tour of all three of Ohio's thrilling sights, copious amounts of shit-stirring, the mystery of an undead house plant, arguing about Pokémon with a guy he met online and sometimes hooks up with and definitely doesn't know in real life, forced team bonding, a date at the Mothman museum, charcuterie boards, and many more.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47515573

Someone's taken a dick pic in the arcade photobooth. Detective Andrew Minyard is on the case.

Andrew and the Idiotic, Thirsty, Ill-advised, Very Off-Limits Crush on his College Roommate's Younger Brother.

(a fav of mine. highly recommend)

https://archiveofourown.org/works/20650433

Four million words, written across hundreds of journals. But one of Andrew Minyard's decoded stories outlives the rest. The story of his forbidden love, Neil Hatford.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/42831054

This is the story of Neil and Andrew post “The King’s Men” and spans 12 years. It’s about their sexual journey – every baby steps, missteps, and gigantic leaps. It is also (and perhaps more importantly) the journey of how they stay committed throughout it all, made visible in the little things, and bigger, grander gestures. Most of this is a mix of canonical facts and my own take on their future. A few of the scenes include: the night following the championship game, Andrew allowing Neil to get him off, Neil getting fucked for the first time, the handcuffs scene, Andrew moving to a new city while Neil has to stay at Palmetto for his last year, Andrew bottoming, Nicky’s wedding, and Andrew and Neil’s public coming out far, far in the future, followed by a crazy Fox reunion.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/47370928

Every hair on his new body stood on end as he quickly patted himself down, finding a wallet in his back pocket but nothing else until his shoe caught on the strap of a duffle bag, half buried in the sand under his bench. He yanked the bag up beside him, giving it a quick shake to loosen the sand clinging to the canvas fabric, before turning his attention to stripping the wallet bare. He decided quite quickly that his other half was an asshole. There was plenty of loose cash in his wallet, but not a single personal item of any manner. No ID. No bank card. No pictures of girlfriends or family. Not even an old receipt stuffed in the bottom. At the very least, life hadn’t disappointed him with how shitty things could get.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/34885285 this one is also so sexy ur welcome

Neil and Andrew have always been inseparable since the day they first met in seventh grade - when Neil was Natalie and Andrew was no longer a Doe. They grew up side by side, sharing everything with the other - everything besides their feelings for each other. But now they’re nineteen and eighteen, and after Andrew kisses Neil, they begin exploring a side of each other they never thought they would. Well, that, and they still aren't sharing their feelings for each other too.