#i woke up almost 6 hours ago and i only just ate a small amount of food right now

[macaroni-rascal]

i dislike my period so much, someone come hysterectomy me for the love of god

[imagine-a-life-like-this]

Travel To My Heart (K.SJ)

Warnings : mentions of cheating, a failing relationship, talk about a club

Word Count : 3030

Synopsis : she only meant to travel for a month and find herself before returning to her boyfriend, but instead she left for 6 months and fell in love with another man.

“My travel buddy, I’ll help you find yourself; I promise.” He smiled, holding his pinky out towards me. I linked my pinky with his, smiling back.

           “I’ll help you have a breath of fresh air; I promise.”

           “I have to work late.” Namjoon gave me a quick kiss goodbye, leaving without another word. I looked through all the pictures I took on my vacation, most of them being of the handsome man I met on the plane. The man who made me realize just how wrong my relationship with Namjoon is. When I left, I wanted to work everything out, fix the things that were wrong and come out stronger than before. But meeting Kim Seokjin changed everything.

           “I figured you’d be hungry after your nap.” My eyes were wide as I scanned all the dishes set out on the table of our Airbnb.

           “You made all of this?” I asked, looking over to Jin as I took a seat across from him. He nodded sheepishly as he scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t even know where to start, everything looks delicious.” I exclaimed as I grabbed the chopsticks next to my bowl of rice.

           “Try this.” He said, taking some food with his chopsticks and placing on top of my rice. I smiled at him as I took it in my own chopsticks and placed it in my mouth, practically moaning at how good it tasted.

           “This is the best thing I’ve ever eaten.” I could see the blush rising to his cheeks at the compliment. He tried to hide it and dig into the food himself, but I noticed it and couldn’t help but smile at the affect I had on him. “You’ve got to cook more often during this trip.”

           “Deal.”

           I’m not sure exactly when it happened. When my feelings began to shift from platonic to romantic; maybe they were never platonic to begin with. All I knew is one morning I woke up in the same bed as him, the sun shining in through the window, illuminating his face, and I couldn’t help but to think about how handsome he was. His eyes had soon fluttered open, and a part of me believed he could hear the pounding of my heart and woke up. He smiled when he saw I was staring at him, and it took everything in me not to kiss him right in that moment. I had a boyfriend waiting for me back home.

           A smart person would have decided to end their trip then, go back home and reconcile with their significant other, but I stayed. I stayed for another 2 months with the man I was slowly falling for. I stayed and made memories that would last me a lifetime. Memories of laughter and smiles. Memories of waves crashing on the beach and hot chocolate moustaches.

           I swear I only meant to leave for a month to find who I am without Namjoon, our relationship starting in junior high and lasting all the way into adulthood. I swear I only meant to discover myself and return to his side, happy and in love. But instead I left for 6 months and fell in love with another man.

           All the arguments and silent treatments started to have no effect on me. I no longer longed for the way things used to be, back when we first fell in love. Instead I longed for the man I walked away from. I longed for the late-night drives, singing at the top of our lungs completely out of tune. I longed for the lazy days in bed, watching dumb movies on his laptop with an array of snacks surrounding us. I longed for mornings waking up to his face and knowing everything was okay. I longed for Kim Seokjin.

           “What are you making?” I asked, taking a seat on one of the barstools at the island. Jin looked up from the bowl he was mixing ingredients in for only a second before going back to what he was doing.

           “Brownies.” He answered simply with a smile on his face. “Want to help?” I perked up and quickly jumped off the stool and rushed to his side, ready to help. “You can start mixing the dry ingredients into that bowl.” He told me, pointing at a bowl on the counter, surrounded by bags of ingredients.

           “Oops.” I said after only a couple minutes. Jin stopped what he was doing to see what I had somehow messed up on. When I turned to face him, he immediately burst into laughter, seeing me covered in flour. I pouted as I grabbed another handful and threw it at him. “It’s not so funny now, is it?” I teased.

           “Oh you did it now, princess.” He smirked, and that’s how the food fight began. The entire kitchen, ourselves included, was covered in different ingredients meant to make brownies. The brownies never got made, but we sat on the floor, our backs up against the wall, and we laughed. We laughed until there was tears in our eyes and pains in our stomachs. We laughed until we couldn’t laugh anymore, and then I rested my head on his shoulder, and he rested his head on top of mine.

           Namjoon came home late like he said he would, but it didn’t bother me like it used to. It didn’t matter to me if he was actually at work, or if he had met someone else. I almost didn’t notice the smell of perfume that I didn’t own. Our relationship was over a long time ago, but neither one of us wanted to let go. We worked so hard to get to where we are. We’d fought through so much to just let it all go.

           But it was time to let go. Which is why all my things were packed into suitcases and boxes. Which is why Yoongi was outside in his truck, waiting for me to say goodbye. “I guess this is for the best.” He said, taking in how empty the house looks. I wanted to cry, to have some kind of reaction to the end of 13-year long relationship. But I felt nothing. I was numb.

           “It is.” I answered, picking up a couple bags and heading out to put them in my best friend’s truck. Both Yoongi and Namjoon helped pack everything up. And as Yoongi got back into the driver’s seat, Namjoon and I stood in front of the door, saying our final goodbyes.

           “I guess this is goodbye.” I nodded, looking down at our feet before looking up at him again.

           “I hope you have a good life, Joon.”

           “I hope you do too, Y/N.” And with that, I got into Yoongi’s truck and Namjoon went into our, his, house.

           “How do you feel?” Yoongi asked as we pulled away, driving to his place that he was kind enough to let me crash at until I could get my own.

           “Good.” I smiled and looked over at him. “I feel good.”

           “Want to go to the aquarium?” Jin asked as we ate breakfast. My eyes went wide as I nodded as fast as I could. He chuckled, shaking his head at my enthusiasm, before clearing the table. “I’ll clean up, go get ready and we can head out.” I tried to protest, saying I should clean up since he cooked, but he wouldn’t have it. “I want to spoil you today.” He smiled, pushing me out of the kitchen. And he did.

           It was my first time at the aquarium, and I ran around like a little kid, pointing out all the fishes. I watched as Jin took pictures of me, saying something about how pretty I looked when I was excited. We got a couple strangers to take pretty pictures of the two of us as well. But Jin took the most pictures when we went to the area where we could touch different animals. I pet the stingrays and the starfish. I held on to every fact the instructor told us.

           I’m sure I talked Jin’s ear off for an hour when we went to dinner afterwards. But he just sat and stared as I went on and on, a smile on my face. He showed me some of the pictures he took, and I whined at how bad I looked. But he told me I was pretty in all of them.

           We got ice cream after dinner and walked around as the sun set on the horizon. “Thank you.” I said, throwing away my empty ice cream cup and sliding my hand into his.

           “Anything for you, princess.”

           I wanted to reach out to him, tell him things are over with Namjoon, tell him I love him. But I had no way how. Namjoon made me delete his number when I got home. We agreed to work things out, so he deleted the number of the girl he was seeing when I was gone, and I deleted Jin’s. A fresh start as Namjoon put it.

           Yoongi asked me if I wanted to just stay with him. He said his apartment felt more like home with me around and my stuff cluttering his shelves. It seemed more lived in, and he liked that feeling. He was gone a lot, working at the studio, or performing at some club. “It’s nice to come home and having it not feel so empty.” He told me, and so I stayed.

           Now that I was single, Yoongi would drag me to his performances. Namjoon and I went to a couple when Yoongi first started out, wanting to support his dream. But as our relationship got rocky and fights were more frequent, we stopped. I couldn’t help but smile when I saw how large the crowd was, nearly tripling the amount when he first began.

           “I’m so proud of you.” I beamed at him as he got ready to go onstage. He tried to fight the smile and keep his reputation as cold-hearted Agust D, but he’s never been able to keep that façade around me.

           “Are you going to stay back here?” He asked as someone told him he was on in 5 minutes.

           “I want the full experience; it’s been too long. Besides, I saw the guys right at the front. I’ll join them.” He nodded and I took my leave, meeting the friends he introduced me to a few weeks prior in the front row.

           “Hey Y/N!” Jimin exclaimed, pulling me in for a hug. I greeted all of them, excited to see my best friend on stage again.

           “You’ve come so far!” I exclaimed as the 6 of us walked down the block to a 24/7 diner for a celebratory dinner. “Like seriously, Yoongs, you were incredible. You were meant to be on stage!”

           “Oh shut up.” Yoongi said, but I could see the rose colour dusting his cheeks and the smile he was trying to hide.

           “The effect you have on Yoongi hyung is incredible.” Jungkook joked, playfully bumping Yoongi with his shoulder. I linked my arm through Yoongi’s as we walked, something I used to do when we were growing up, before Namjoon and I started dating.

           “I missed this.” I thought out loud, and the others just looked at Yoongi and I with small smiles dancing across their lips. We walked the rest of the way in silence, but that didn’t last long before the younger boys burst into stories of dumb decisions they’ve made. Hoseok and Yoongi joined in with some of their stories, and I just listened to all of them, hanging on to every word they all said, laughing along with them. And all I could think is that Jin would absolutely love them.

           Jin would join in with some of his own stories, making all of them laugh. He would critique the food as if he was a famous food critic, putting on a performance as he did it, accent, and all. He would join in the teasing of the other boys, but then make sure everyone had enough to eat before we left.

           Yes, Jin would get along well with my new friends and my best friend. He would make it seem like we’ve known each other for years. He would make all of us wonder how this hasn’t been the way it’s always been. Because everything would fall perfectly into place like this is the way it should have been.

           I wish I didn’t choose Namjoon over Seokjin all those months ago.

           One afternoon when Yoongi was at the studio, I decided to walk around, maybe find a quiet place to read and just get out of the apartment. I packed my book into my purse and put in my earbuds before leaving, bopping my head along to the music playing.

           I checked out a couple stores as I wandered before stumbling across a small café. Looking through the window, it seemed almost empty, but it was practically calling to me. A bell dinged when I opened the door, catching the attention of the barista behind the counter. I took in the rustic décor and smiled at the familiar scent of coffee. “Just an iced latte please, to stay.” I ordered, smiling softly at the teenager behind the counter.

           As I waited for my drink, I looked around, taking in the whole café. There were a few customers scattered about, some chit-chatting, some working. As I scanned over the tables, my eyes stopped on a familiar face, my heart skipping a beat. An entire beat. It’s like fate called out to me this warm afternoon and placed me here at the exact time Kim Seokjin would be here.

            I grabbed my finished drink, the book I was planning to read forgotten at the bottom of my purse, and confidently walked up to the man I’ve missed every single day since we returned from vacation. “Mind if I sit?” I asked, pointing at the empty chair across from him. He looked up from his laptop, eyes widening when he saw me standing in front of him.

           “Please do.” He smiled, closing his laptop, and putting it into his bag. Silence settled around us after I sat down, neither one of us knew what to say. I knew what I wanted to tell him, but I didn’t know where to start, or if he even wanted to hear my excuses for leaving him at the airport, walking away hand in hand with Namjoon. “How’ve you been?” He settled on small talk. But it’s better than nothing. It’s better than silence.

           “Good. I’ve been really good.” I smiled. “How’ve you been?”

           “Good.” The silence settled again. I hated how awkward things were. It was never like this between us, not even when we met on the plane, agreeing to travel around together.

           “Namjoon and I broke up.” I finally said. “Our relationship had been over for a while, I think. We both fell out of love but didn’t want to make the move to leave.” I continued, fiddling with my cup of coffee, the ice slowly melting and watering it down.

           “How do you feel about that?”

           “Honestly, relieved.” He let out a small chuckle.

           “You look great, like you’ve truly found yourself.” I looked down at what I was wearing. An outfit I never dared to wear when I was with Namjoon. I grew up with him, matured with him. And it seemed like we turned into each other, becoming one single person instead of separate identities in one relationship.

           “You helped a lot. But I think finally ending things and moving out was the final straw.” I didn’t let the silence settle around us again. Instead I jumped in and told him about Yoongi and his performances. I told him about Hoseok and Jimin and Taehyung and Jungkook. I told him about all the antics they get up to and the adventures they’ve dragged me out on. I’ve done so many things I never dreamed of doing when I was with Namjoon, and I felt truly happy.

           But I stared ahead at the man I fell in love with in a foreign country, and he smiled softly as he listened to me talk about my new friends, and I knew I could be happier.

           He told me all the things he’s done since we got back. How he doesn’t put as much pressure on himself at work. All the new ideas he’s come up with that have been huge successes for his business and thanked me for helping him get out of his head.

           And I watched him talk, a small smile on my face. He seemed relaxed and happy. Things seemed to just fall back into place with us as we talked for hours, our previous plans long forgotten in each other’s company.

           It’s like we travelled back in time, back to a different country, sightseeing and getting lost but not caring. But instead we were in our home country, walking around under the stars since the café closed. Soon we were standing outside the apartment building I now lived in, but I didn’t want to say goodbye. “I want to see you again, Jin.” I said before he could turn to leave. “Namjoon made me delete your number.” I told him as I handed him my phone, an empty contact open for him to add in his number for a second time.

           “Anything for my princess.” He smiled, handing my phone back to me, his number saved once again. “I hope to see you soon.” I nodded and he left.

           I swear I only meant to leave for one month, find myself and return to Namjoon’s side and love him like I used to. Instead, I left for six months and fell in love with the perfect man.

           He meant to leave and get a breath of fresh air, travel the world, and get new ideas for his business. And while we travelled the world together, making memories that would last a lifetime, he travelled into my heart and made a home.

[simply-trash5]

Running

Okay not even going to lie this was my favorite chapter to write and I REALLY hope you guys like it. 

<3 Chapter Five

The week seemed to drag by. You wanted nothing more than for it to be Saturday so that you could see Lee again. You both were going to have a very busy week so you both decided that you wouldn’t hang out again until the date on Saturday. Just because you couldn’t see each other though didn’t mean that you couldn’t stay up till obscene hours playing dumb games or sending each other memes. You spent the week with your phone in your hand constantly and you kept finding yourself waiting to hear from Lee. He surprisingly texted you a lot, and seemed to be a huge fan of emojis. 

He always sent you a good morning text, which usually had a meme accompanying it. These of course always made you smile. One night when you fell asleep while texting him you woke up at 3:00 A.M. to find your phone gripped in your hand. Just before you put it on the charger you saw that you had an unopened text from none other than Lee. The text read: “Good night Y/N. I really hope that you sleep well. I am really excited for our date on Saturday! :)” Even in your sleepy stupor you found yourself smiling and feeling the butterflies in your tummy flutter. 

On Saturday morning you woke up bright and cheery at 8:00 A.M. as if you hadn’t been up till 3:00 doing homework. Despite only getting a few hours of good sleep you felt so rested and so excited. Today was the big date and you had absolutely no idea what Lee had decided on. You decided to text Lee first this time, telling him Good morning, and asking him what to wear on your date that night. He simply replied “Dress for fun. I’ll be there to get you at 6:00.”

For fun? What did that even mean? The day seemed to fly by and you questioned what you should wear for ‘fun’.  You rummaged through your closet and finally decided on a deep purple bodysuit under ripped black skinny jeans. You added a denim jacket for warmth and a pair of black combat boots. The body suit hugged your curves and gave a nice amount of cleavage without being too revealing for your liking. You decided to wear your hair naturally with a black knit beanie because you had no idea what Lee had up his sleeve. 

You didn’t hear much from Lee after the morning but that was okay with you. You were so nervous that you weren’t sure you would even be able to form responses to whatever he may say. By 5:15 you were completely ready and nervously scrolling through social media to pass the time. You checked on a few friends pages and even found yourself checking Lee’s feed to see if he had mentioned anything. At 3:00 that afternoon he posted a single smiley face and his dad liked it. You rolled your eyes thinking of how he must have looked crafting such an eloquent post. 

At 6:00 you decided to head down to the front of the building to see if Lee had shown up. Right on time he was there scrolling through his phone in one hand and had the other placed strategically behind his back. When he heard you approach he beamed and put his phone in his pocket. Just from his smile alone you could feel your cheeks heat up.

“Y/N, you look so pretty. Oh, erm, I’m sorry. That was probably really weird and forward. Uh, I got you this.” He outstretched his arm and in his hand was a single pink daisy. The joy on your face told him everything he needed to know. He gave you a thumbs up, which he seemed to do often when he was happy. 

You took the flower from Lee’s hand and gave him a huge hug. You both stood there for a minute in the embrace, this hug definitely felt different than your one from a week ago. There was something exciting and warm in this hug. You both stood back from each other, both blushing slightly. “So, Lee, what do you have planned for us?” you said excitedly.

“Ah, yes.” Lee began, “Well I have such a fun plan for us. Our first stop is a ramen shop downtown. Now here is my question for you, would you like to walk there or take the bus?” You thought for a minute and carefully weighed your options. He took your silence as a sign that you wanted to walk. “Lets go Y/N! I can’t wait for you to try this place!”

You and Lee walked the few blocks into downtown chatting and talking about your week. Lee talked about all of the tests he had this week and you talked about how you were completely over writing papers. Before long you both had made it to the shop. Lee held the door open for you as you both entered the small hole-in-the wall restaurant. You walked to the counter to order and you quietly whispered to Lee, “I’ve never had Ramen, what should I order?”

Lee looked at you in complete shock and then a look of determination washed over his face. “We will have two orders of the spicy ramen!” The gentleman behind the counter began to ring in your order. He talked with Lee as if he had known him forever. Lee introduced you to the man with a smile. The gentleman asked if you were Lee’s girlfriend which caused Lee to sputter and stammer. You told the man that you were on a date but you were friends. You would have never known it but Lee’s heart dropped a little at the mention of you being friends. Lee led you to a small table by the window where he continued to tell you about himself. You both laughed, ate, and talked for about an hour when Lee finally spoke up. “Well Y/N, we have a few more stops on our night of fun. Ready to go to our next location?” You laughed at how formally Lee was speaking and he gave you a bright smile in return.

Outside the restaurant you looked at Lee inquisitively. Lee looked down at you and gave you a wink. “So, Y/N, I thought you may want something sweet after dinner so I have just the place. Did you know that every saturday this month there is a town bonfire down by the river?” You gave Lee a surprised look with a smile. “I was thinking that maybe we could go make smores before our last stop. You know, just something sweet for the sweetest person I know.”

You blushed and giggled just a little. Once you realized how silly you must have looked you rolled your eyes with a smirk and punched Lee lightly on the arm. You weren’t fooling him though, he saw the way you turned pink at his little compliment and he thought it was one of the cutest things he had ever seen. His heart was beating just a little harder as you guys walked toward the river than ran through town. Once there you both had a blast making smores and sitting around the fire. You wondered how Lee had heard about this spot but instead of asking you just told him more about yourself. Lee checked his watch, the time read 8:00 and he began to stand from his spot. “Okay Y/N, I have one last stop for us. This may be the coolest one in my opinion.” He held out his hand to help you stand from the log where you were sitting. Lee’s hand was so warm and felt so nice wrapped around yours, you almost hated to let it go. Reluctantly you let go of Lee’s hand, not wanting to make your need for affection awkward for him. 

Lee led you to a small bar in town, which made you question why you would be coming there. You never thought Lee was a drinker. Lee cleared his throat, “So you’re probably wondering why I brought you here. Well, one of my favorite local bands is playing here tonight and I think you would like them. We can obviously leave if you want, but I thought it would be fun!” You gave Lee a smile and a nod reassuring him that you wanted to go inside. 

Once inside the bar you both walked toward the stage where the band was playing. There set had already began but you could tell that you really liked them already. You and Lee exchanged some glances and smiles throughout the first few songs until the band took a quick break. Lee went off to the bar and grabbed you both a beer. You both drank your beer and listened to the music. Lee was singing and dancing a little when it was a song he knew and before long you found yourself swaying along too. The band announced that they were going to be playing a stripped down version of one of their songs and encouraged the crowd to dance with a “special someone.” Lee’s cheeks began to turn a light shade of pink. He began to walk to a table to sit when you reached out your hand and grabbed his arm. Lee looked at you a little confused. You weren’t sure if it was liquid courage or your need to feel his arms around you but you asked him shyly if he would dance with you. Lee shook his head so violently that you thought it may fly off. You began to giggle at his goofy grin but stopped as soon as his large hands found your waist. 

The next 3 minutes were the best part of the date so far. You two definitely danced like no one was watching. Neither one of you were sure how to dance with another person, but you gave your best shot at it. You two were still in each other’s arms long after the band had finished. Neither of you would have moved if the band hadn’t announced it was the last song of the evening. Lee leaned down and asked if you wanted to head back to campus and you gave him a nod. 

Outside the wind was blowing lightly. The lights in the city seemed to glow even more with the cloudy sky. It was quiet in town as most of the nightlife was coming to a close. You two began your walk back to campus. You pulled your jacket a little tighter remarking about how chilly it was. Lee immediately reached his hand out for yours. You stared at his hand in shock for a few seconds before taking it. The feeling of Lee’s hand wrapped around yours made you feel so warm inside you would have thought it was summer. You were pulled out of your quiet thoughts by Lee. “Earlier I gave you a daisy. Do you know anything about flowers and their meaning?” You shook your head and said that you didn't. Lee cleared his throat and began to speak in a thoughtful tone, “The daisy is a symbol of new beginnings, specifically a pink daisy is sometimes seen as a symbol for new romantic feelings.” 

Your mouth made a small o and you looked up at Lee with a sparkle in your eye. You two didn’t speak again till you got back to your building. You looked at Lee standing in front of you. He was so handsome and sweet; you were sure you had never met a better guy in your life. “Lee, I had a really great time tonight. Thank you for such a fun and thoughtful date. The flower was very thoughtful too.” Lee looked down at you with a small grin.

“Y/N I gave you that daisy because I wanted you to know how much I like you. Everyday I wake up and you’re the first thing on my mind. At night, before I go to sleep, you are the last thing I think of. I don’t mean to be forward, but I just wanted you to know how I feel.” Your eyes grew wide. Immediately Lee thought he had said the wrong thing. The corners of your mouth turned upward into a bright smile.

“Lee, I like you too, so much more than just a friend. You make me so happy. You’re an amazing man.” Lee’s cheeks turned a bright shade of pink. Lee closed his eyes and breathed in deeply.

“Y/N, can I kiss you?”, Lee asked bravely.

“Lee,” you began, “I’ve been waiting on this since the day you carried me up to my room. I would want nothing more.” Lee’s hands travelled to your cheeks and held your face tenderly. He leaned down to you and gave you a soft sweet kiss. Time stood still for just a minute and just like that it was over. When you both pulled away you both stared at each other with small grins on your face. 

“Y/N, thank you for being you. I can’t wait to see you again,” Lee whispered in your ear as he gave you a tight hug. “Can I come see you tomorrow?”

You gave Lee a small peck on the lips in reassurance. 

 “It’s a date lover-boy.”

[singeramg]

Congratulations on your 500 followers! I would like to make a request for 9 .“Just don’t break anything…again!” with Henry. Thank you!

Hey world! Sorry I’ve been a bit MIA when it comes to writing, or at least posting! Don’t worry continuations of my WIP’s are coming but I also wanted to challenge myself to break my mold of writing and try to have a little fun. Also I wanted to show my appreciation of all of you and your support of what I do!

So to anon this is something from my Fluff! Henry collection! I hope you enjoy it as much as I had fun with it!

Title: Lava and Kids Don’t Mix

Characters: Dad!Henry Cavill x Female Reader

Prompt: “Just Don’t Break Anything...Again!”

Rating: G!

Warning: None, just fluff, mention of injury, and a slightly broody Cavill man.

MasterList for more fun!

Henry Cavill was in a panic. 

You only had one rule before you left to spend the day with his mother. Leaving him in charge of your two 5 year old  twin boys Mitchell and Michael for the day. He was supposed to keep it simple, take the boys to the park with Kal and your 2 year old Jack Terrier Russell Sandy. You knew the boys would run off all access energy at the park and after they ate the soup and sandwiches you made for all of them before you left, they would down for their nap, and you would be home and starting dinner just after they woke up.

Simple plan right?

Right?

Wrong.

Needless to say things didn’t anyways go to plan in the Cavill household when dealing with two rambunctious twins that looked and acted like their father and two dogs, and also an unexpected rainstorm that shortened the park trip that saw the Cavill men playing the floor is lava, while Henry warmed up the soup in the kitchen. Ignoring the roughhousing like he tended to do when you weren’t around because he grew up with four brothers and “boys will be boys.” Of course Mitchell managed to miss the couch cushions he was supposed to land on, and landed on his left arm and on top of his brother. The subsequent scream of pain sent Henry flying from the kitchen, and to his horror found two crying kids on the floor. One holding his arm hollering and the other reeling from his brother landing halfway on him, therefore he was crying too. Henry runs back to the stove switching it off and then running back over to his children which now had a dog sniffing at their faces. Henry picks up Michael first sitting him on the couch and his whimpers are already settling down but Mitchell was still hollering and holding his arm.

“Oh no.”

Henry picks up Michell off the floor who curls into his father's side.

“Mitchell can I see your arm?”

Slowly; the still whimpering child lifts his arm, and the second Henry delicately touches the arm, it sends Mitchell into a scream of pain and fresh tears.

Oh dear.

He notes the boy’s arm has begun to swell and is awfully red. He carries him into the kitchen and puts a ice pack on it and knows he is going to have to take him to the hospital.

In the biggest rush known to man he gathers the twins and puts an SOS to you. Tossing things around the house until he located his wallet, and keys, just avoiding a vase on the table, that you loved. His son hollers louder held in his arms.

You were going to kill him.

You literally left the house with a  “ Just don’t break anything again” as a joke but now it looked like it was coming true...

*Hospital*

The small group was ushered back fairly quickly into a room and for once Henry was slightly glad of his celebrity when it came to his family. He often was irritated when he found intrusive photographs of his family plastered all over the web but this time one look at his license had gotten them into a private room and waiting for Mitch to come back from X-rays. He had called you on the way to the hospital, but you didn’t answer so he left a message and tried his mother with the same result. He had tried a few times but he knew coverage could be spotty and he wasn’t exactly sure of what his mother planned for you. He knew you would feel terrible about not answering not to mention he hated putting you through undo stress because you were carrying the third child of the Cavill brood. That had been the only reason you even went today was to get a breather without a five year old pulling at your skirts, especially since he had just gotten back from filming just over a week ago.

Yep. You just might kill him…

At least he thought. He always worried as a father about his children and where you were concerned he wanted to be everything he couldn’t be when he was away filming. You were such a wonderful mother and he just wanted to match what you did for the family. This was not it.

 Mike is sleepily resting on Henry’s arm as his brief stint with crying had left him knackered. Henry happens to look down at the arm that Mitchell landed on and noticed he is starting to bruise over his arm. Henry is just beginning to look over his sons arm for the extent of the damage when simultaneously while he was touching Mike’s forearm ; there is a similar spot to his brother’s just on the opposite arm that is red and swollen and soon as he touches it gently, Mike cries out; waking up from his sleep, and also you walk in the door.

Alarmed to find one of her sons crying. Mike notices you almost instantly, crying and running over to you.

“Oh my little man what’s the matter?”

“Daddy hurt my arm!” The young boy calls out and wants the comfort of your arms but of course you couldn’t lift him. Normally you would get onto him about that, but that could be saved for later. Besides he was child so his thoughts would be more literal meaning that Henry must have touched his arm or something. 

You lean down as best you could with your 6 month stomach which was reaching the point of cumbersome, but not making you totally immobile as it did with the twins at this point, squatting so you are eye level with him and he wraps himself around you, letting you gently lift his arm. He starts hollering at your slight touch coming further into the room with his mother and father close behind.

You only had one rule really when you left the house this morning and that was for Henry not to break anything...again! However considering you had known whatever happened in your way here, this was a mistake.

The last time you left them alone for an extended amount of time the TV had been broken during a game of catch that you had already told them not to play in the house the night before you went out for the Bridal Shower.

Needless to say you hadn’t been happy with the situation at the time and it was a material thing that could be replaced. Now here you were coming to a hospital cradling one child while the other...wait...where was Mitchell?

“Daddy hurt your arm? I think that may not be the whole truth but it’s okay we can deal with it later. Okay well let’s see if we can get a really nice doctor to take a look at it and I’ll talk to Daddy.”

You say comforting him and pretending to be mad at Henry who honestly already looks wrecked about whatever had happened between the time that you left and now. You press the call button and someone comes in almost immediately which notoriously did not happen; but you weren’t complaining. You asked for them to take a look at Mike as well. They agreed without much problem and after creating a little band for his wrist they agreed to X-ray him and gave him something for his pain.

You waddle over to the chair next to Henry who actually picks up Mike and lets him sit on his lap. He says his hellos to his parents who know the look of exhaustion and being resigned to fate way too well. They take seats as well.

“So where’s the other half of our set?”

You mildly joke.

“He should be back any moment; they’ve taken him to get an X-Ray.”

At that moment a wheel chair appears with a sleepy child in it, his blue eyes drifting in and out of lucidness.

“Moooommmmmmy!!!!”

He says but his voice is dragging indicating they had given him something to ease the pain. You let the nurse help him into bed and go over to him while Henry’s parents take over for comforting Mike.

“Hi baby. How’s your arm?”

“It was hurt-ed momma but it’s not anymore. I feels weird. I sleepy.”

You push back his riotous, dark curls with a soft hand.

“Okay baby go to sleep; Daddy and mommy will be here when you wake up.”

He drifts off and the nurse comes to take Mike for his X-Ray and with the alert child gone; a worried grandfather in tow to watch over him and the other sleeping, you sit back down with a sore back and a smile.

“So what really happened in the couple of hours I was gone.”

Henry looks sheepish; and rubs the back of his neck., his natural curls smushing under his fingers.

“Well we went to the park, but the rain washed us out earlier than intended. So we went back to the house and I cut on a movie, but the boys were playing and the floor was lava and the next thing I heard was a scream...”

“Wait...’the floor is lava’?”

“Yes. Our floors are made of lava and seeing as you can’t touch lava it meant jumping around while I warmed up lunch.”

You sigh but one look at the giant puppy that was your husband, you knew he honestly couldn’t feel any worse than what was happening right now. You were just glad no one had head injuries or irreversible damage. You absently rub your stomach and place a hand on a broad shoulder.

“I feel terrible Y/N. I didn’t think a little rough housing would come to this. My brothers and I had injuries but it was usually from tossing each other around and Rugby. Somehow we managed to avoid the hospital due to our roughhousing.”

You sit up and kiss your husband on the cheek. Henry was an internalizer, so you knew if he looked this upset right now then he felt 100 times worse inside.

“Things happen baby it will be okay. If it makes you feel any better they would have created an even more perilous game. They like to invent new ways to make me tear out my hair.”

The room laughs;

“They don’t normally end up in the emergency room when they are with you...or do they?”

He asks and you laugh shaking your head.

“No, but I’ve had a few close calls that made me question whose bright idea was it to have multiple children at the same time. They can be a handful individually. Babe, don’t beat yourself up about it.”

You rub at his shoulder as a comfort. Henry accepts it and caresses the top with his own. Soon Mike is in a similar state as his brother and they got him in a bed next to him. With both of them unconscious the doctor comes back in with X-ray reports that says both of them have a broken arm.

You sigh and Henry looks devastated and you only shake your head knowing the twins never did anything by the half’s nor did they ever do anything alone.

“I guess the Cavill men don’t do anything by the half huh. I asked all of them not to break anything and they managed it times two.”

A/N: This was meant to be fluff about a peak in the life of Henry Cavill with Children. 

More celebration prompt fics will be posted when I wake up in the am because after work today I just do not have it in me to edit anything else tonight, but I hope you enjoyed this for what it is.

TAGLIST: (OPEN)

Henry tag list

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[hearthandhomemagick]

Cottage Witch Journal Entry

I have a longing for Tennessee. 

I have a pure, unadulterated and wild attraction to the Tennessee Mountains. This is a dream I’ve had, and a yearning I’ve felt, for years. A need to be hidden deep in the mountains in a tiny cottage/cabin of sorts. I’m sure this is an affinity very popular in mainstream culture today, and all I can think of when I hear people say they want a cottage or cabin in the mountains is, “How the Hell does everyone expect to FIT on these mountains?!” But, this is my Shadow Self, the over realistic and overthinking side of myself. And I easily get discouraged from my own wants thinking of others wants. 

This is a side of me to notice in myself. I need to be able to move past thoughts of, “If everyone wants it, I’ll never have it.” and move forward with thoughts of, “This is something I want for myself, and I deserve to work hard for it.” And that’s a goal I have with myself. 

You see, this post isn’t just about my want to be in Tennessee in the woods, it’s much deeper than that I feel. It’s about improvement and wanting to grow. 

I bring up Tennessee because that is not a goal I can easily obtain within a couple of weeks or even a month. But, it is something I want to build up to obtaining. Something I want to do right so that everything is exactly as it needs to be. And I can’t fully accomplish this until I accomplish other goals that take precedent first. For Example, my physical health.

As a witch, I truly believe in loving every part of yourself, the good and the bad. The exciting and the terrifying. The understood and the neglected. Part of this acceptance process is learning what is and is not acceptable for my body. Now, I have struggled with my weight and how I see myself since I was a child. I remember a little boy seeing my tummy in a bathing suit in 1st grade and him telling me I was fat and that his dad said fat girls were ugly. Comments like this, stares and whispers were constant when in regards to my weight. It felt like an overwhelming amount of attention was directed at the way I looked, even if no one was looking at me I felt as though everyone was thinking about it. Over the years, this mental state took a tole on a lot more than I expected, even affecting me today with my Significant Other. The consistent attention to my own weight pulled me into depression, our of depression, into anxiety and out of anxiety. What I mean is I had an up and down relationship with my tummy. 

I felt abandoned most days. I would get this idea that I was too much and not enough all at once. A gentle and cooing tone from my toxic thoughts led to a lot of issues and concerns for me and my health. Some days, I would read something that made me feel as though I was a Queen. A bad bitch lurking in this cruel world and taking it by the throat to stare it in the eyes and say, “I love my body fat.” 

The sad part is your heart, mind and body know when you are lying to it. I didn’t love my body. Not in those confident moments and not in those depressed moments. I was locked away in a cage in my mind that gave me two illusions to choose from, while hiding my third option under the rug. I neglected my feelings because I didn’t want to experience them. I neglected my health because I didn’t want to deal with it. And I neglected my body because I hated it. 

Reality here is that this is the only fucking body I have. Do you understand that? Let me repeat this so maybe you can understand how harsh of a reality this was to me. 

I am on this Earth for goodness knows how long. 50 years, 20 years, 72 days. I don’t know, and no one does. I was literally forced into owning this body, whether I like it or not, it is mine. I can move houses, I can get a new car, I can get a new job. I cannot get a new body. 

I heard this in High School and started what I called my weight loss journey. I lost maybe 20 pounds while attending a workout-boot camp of sorts and trying to maintain a healthy diet. That sentence resonated so much with me that I repeated it every day to myself. My motivation was on point. Then, I stopped going. There are multiple reasons why I stopped, but none of them are rightful excuses.

I just stopped. 

Now, during those days I had lost weight, I was starting to gain confidence in myself and was attempting to genuinely look out for my health. I had more energy and felt amazing! But like I said, I had stopped for terrible reasons. 

Fast-forward to college and you will find a very anxiety filled, sleep deprived and mentally exhausted Carly. Some nights I wouldn’t sleep but for 4-5 hours. Other nights I didn’t sleep at all. I believe my stay up streak was 3, going on 4 nights. All due to homework. My coping technique has always been eating food, too. So when you have a sleep deprived student settled next to a 24/7 pizza joint with half baked cookies, you gain 30-40 pounds. 

At 245 Pounds, I was at my heaviest. This weight gain came on as my roommates were saying I was fat, stupid and were making me question myself frequently. Self hate festers among others who don’t value your worth, remember that. So, through those years of college I weighed an uncomfortable amount of weight that made my body start shutting down physically. 

Mental Health had a lot to do with my physical health, here as well. When I was in a really bad place, I would stop moving completely and just sit still. If I had a terrible feeling, I’d cook something to make myself feel better or would just grab a processed, quick snack. It was a pattern of mine. I’d get just enough motivation to do one or two things, and then I’d stop all together and feel as though that was enough for a few weeks. 

Eventually, when I was done with college, I started back on that rollercoaster of healthy and unhealthy. I’d lose 5 pounds, then gain 7 pounds right back. I started detail critiquing myself and stressing myself out. My weight never could get under control, and I couldn’t break the 200 mark to save my life. I would see pictures and videos of myself and feel as though I had eaten an entire buffet. Not too long after getting with my S/O and starting my job as a Sexual Violence Outreach Advocate, I got sick.

It started as a birthday dinner at a Korean Barbecue in 2019. I was with my two best friends at the time and having a blast. We all ate the same food, but when I woke up the following morning I was throwing up everything in my tummy. 

The throwing up went on for 4 days before I was taken to the hospital, only for them to release me saying it was virus. My personal doctor couldn’t figure out what was wrong and it eventually became an everyday thing. I would wake up between 3-6 in the morning, go to the bathroom and be sick for hours before pulling myself together to make it to work. 

Weeks turned into months, and months turned into a year. 

I lost 50 pounds from this thing that no doctor could seem to figure out. I got x-rays and everything, but nothing and no one could tell me exactly what was going on with me. I couldn’t eat anything friend, only raw fruits and veggies, or broth. I only drank water and ginger based drinks, and could not for the life of me stop what was going on with my body. Many doctors tried to pass it as a virus, stomach ulcers, GURD, or even Heart Burn (?). None of them were right. 

After a long time, my mom finally confessed that every woman in our family has Endometriosis. If you don’t know what this is, it is the build up of scar tissue on the outside of your uterus. This leads to nausea, ovarian cysts (which they found on me in x-rays) and sub or infertility. No doctor can diagnose it, either, unless you have a surgery to see if there is scarring. So for many, suffering on your own is easier than seeing a doctor. 

I discussed this with my doctor, and it was as if a light flashed in her brain. This is a disease she cannot say I have, but can say it sounds very much like that. It is hereditary and once you have it, you have it for good.

After this information entered my line of though, I decided the stress from my job was too much for too little pay, and chose to leave. Leading up to my leaving the job, I was sick almost every second of every day. The moment I left, I felt better.

I still feel pain in my ovary area, but because I don’t have the money to see a doctor, and can control my pains with eating habits and physical influence, I choose to work through it alone. 

I said ALL THAT BACKGROUND BULLSHIT JUST TO SAY THIS!!!!!

This is the part that marks my new journey. It is the Journey to Strength and Well Being. The Journey to Feeling Good. The Journey the Choosing my happiness over anything else. And the Journey to choosing the health of my body over my insecurities.

I wrote this because a couple of days ago I had a very graphic and vivid dream about my boyfriend falling in love with the woman I wanted to be. In other words, I seen him with a woman who literally presented all of my insecurities to me. Small, lithe and dainty, gentle and calming, and everything I wasn’t. She was beautiful. And he seen this, and did things for her that he never did for me. I woke up almost in tears, because my emotions were raw, but I had no idea that my insecurities were still very deeply rooted. 

I pondered over the last few days of this dream. What it could mean, what I should do, how I should feel and I have finally come to a conclusion.

This dream is a depiction of my fears. My brain was saying, “You need to address this shit right now.” and did it in the most face slap kind of way I could think. 

I still, even after learning to love myself genuinely, have image issues that need to be nurtured and tended to before I can move forward in my life.

So, I’m making 1-3 goals every month that are attainable and reachable. This will be a brick road to my obtaining that cottage/cabin in the Tennessee Mountains. 

This months Goals start today! 

GOAL 1 -  Learn to do a split, find a healthy yoga sequence, be able to do 15 pushups, & 30 Squats by the end of December. 

GOAL 2 - Make a conscious effort to what you eat/making a new dish once a week to try.

GOAL 3 - Save $100.

This is a process, and I am only human. I don’t want to fall back into the habits of toxic mentality. I don’t want to neglect myself or how I feel and I don’t want to lose myself in to the world in the process of searching for freedom from myself. 

I expect myself to exude self control, self love, and empowerment. I expect to expect better from and for myself, and I expect to accomplish my goals.

I manifest it here, I can do a split. I have a healthy maintainable yoga sequence that I have committed to growing expanding and changing. I can do 15 push ups and 30 squats. I have 100 dollars saved up already and make concious decisions that better my health rather than hurt it. This is part of my lifstyle now! 

And it is for the better!

Thank you to anyone who read this through. These entries are more for my benefit and thought process, but appreciate anyone who recognizes it or even relates and wants to talk about it. It’s personal to me and means a lot. I intend on being on here more often to update my challenges and express how I use my witchcraft in the process of this Journey.

I love you all! Stay safe, warm and full to the brim! Later Witches! xx

[paramsiddharth]

#15: The Independence Day

However tempting the title may be at suggesting my life is at peace now, it painfully isn't. I don't want this to prevent me from glorifying the decades of freedom from colonization we have enjoyed, how much we have recovered from post-colonization trauma, and how we are more responsibly planning to evolve in future. Lots of love to my country. I love my dear Bihar, I love India. I am grateful to my parentland for everything it gave me, such as the beautiful cultural heritage and the opportunity to identify myself as a proud Indian. 🇮🇳 I give my heartfelt pranaam to my nation.

Why is it always such that I make a post, disappear for months (or years), and then make a sudden reappearance? I love writing. Why this discontinuity? I asked myself this question.

I realized it is because I am always too overwhelmed by my past and future to express my present without hurting myself. And don't expect me to mourn that; It is part of my situational awareness, learning from my experience, and practical preparedness and I'm not ashamed.

I'm not proud either, but there's little I can do to change the circumstances I'm put in. The very reason behind my continuous complaining and being a crybaby is because that's what has happened to me throughout my life, and continues to. There are plenty of people to blame, but definitely not me.

I will start talking about the time after the day I posted that Kharagpur blog, but I will move in a logarithmic fashion i. e. Increasing the amount of focus on the part closer to the plateau (present) rather than the cliff (past).

Do you use olive oil at home? Is it a common ingredient in most of the food that you have at home? I recently learnt an interesting truth about food oils. Mustard oil, olive oil, and refined oil are the 3 major oils used to cook. In my family everything is cooked in mustard oil. I used to watch recipe videos and wonder why the colour of the oil looked so different. Turns out they generally use olive oil.

Based on what mom told, mustard oil is much more fatty and considered not good for health, at least in comparison to olive oil. That being said, mustard oil comes for a lot cheaper than olive oil. So do we use less healthy oil to cook food for saving money? Yes. Are we the only ones? I really don't know.

As much as I don't want to, I pity myself. It's pathetic, but every time I pity myself, I assume it can't get worse. But it does. It very much does.

5-6 days ago, my parents had a very violent fight. I was there to get them to settle, and since my classes were not going on, I could give more time to home. Despite my struggle to get both my parents to be peaceful, they kept saying things to each-other for half the night, and kept hurting themselves, mentally and physically. I was there to help them, but they weren't welcoming to any support. And I understand why. They must feel like they are put into a position where they can't express themselves to anyone, and that nobody can feel what they are going through.

Folks and friends tell me not to get in between when they fight. I wouldn't… If only it remained verbal. But it gets worse. It gets physical, in a manner that they end up hurting their internal and external biologies causing more than just short-term damage. I barely manage to save the day everytime… Because I love them. I don't want to listen to my friends. My parents are my everything. Losing one of them means losing half of my life's purpose. I'm nothing without them, no matter how they are.

And I managed to calm them down. 3 days ago, we woke up to a news that wasn't initially so devastating: The water motor wasn't working. It had been a common problem, I easily assumed it will be fixed soon. We got it checked, had some analysis done, some parts bought. By evening, it was still being worked on, and that made the situation tense. The day ended with the news that the plumbers will come the next day and attempt a better fix, something they referred to as "slizing" (I think it supposed to be slicing). I didn't eat much that day, for reasons. Others ate less too.

So we got the "slizer" expert the next day. The whole day was going to be a wasted struggle again, and what happened at home made it far worse. The lack of food, hydration, and sanitation made our patience and moods worse. My parents had an argument, and once the light was sparked, it ended up being probably the worst fight they have ever had in the whole lifetime. One where they almost hit each-other. I came in between as a shield and got beaten up instead, gladly so. But will I always be able to get in between?

The situational dilemma hit me harder than the physical strokes. I was pulled down deep into the realization of how traumatizing the past 5 years have been for my parents. From being loving, caring, and supportive, they've become beasts. They have turned into people with no emotional control, and mood-swing patterns that encourages self-harm exclusive to interpersonal fights between those two.

As much as they fight, scream, misbehave, and misunderstand each-other while arguing, they are the only 2 adults I could ever rely on. The rest of my ostensible family has been far more hostile to us, in a much more heart-penetrating way than physically. Who else can I look up to? And even if I had anybody else to look up to, my parents are the 2 people I will never let go of. It is my life's purpose to see them happy, and I won't let anything go wrong before that happens.

Their hatred for each-other while fighting is no longer silenced by their want to live, and their heart no longer melts by the thought of their kids' happiness. They aren't able to think straight during a fight. What would a person in this condition be advised to do? Take therapy, I suppose. We can't afford that. Will the one who advises us pay for our therapy? I'm sure not.

Money is the one big thing in our life that's our biggest joy and harshest pain at the same time. If we had more money, none of our current problems in life would remain relevant. We will be able to cure everything, including our financial instability and mental illnesses. We will be off to a happy life, constantly evolving. If only we had more money. If only…

Let me slap myself out of this dream. It isn't here yet. A minimum of 2 years before I even get on my feet are to be borne with patience and… Struggle. No, my parents have to remain together, no matter what. The hardwork they did for their whole life, won't lose meaning so easily. We're close, and we will make it. I will get a good job and change everything. I will be able to fix us. I will do it… Won't I?

I wasn't able to cry, because I hadn't had water for 50+ hours. My parents eventually lost energy and got diverted by updates from the plumbers and the expert. It failed. They didn't even attempt the "slizing" part. Maybe next day.

Day 3. No eating, drinking, peeing, or excreting. We felt like lifeless blobs, and it was harder for us to make it through, considering my mom has an OCD. Although we were convinced that the service folks were fixing the water issue, we also knew the kind of people we have in Muzaffarpur. They were using our helplessness as a measure to maximize visible worktime and increase the payment. The only thing they were aiming for is profit. No sense of wanting to provide quality service, no concern for our degrading health, nothing. They were just extending and pulling out days from our lifeless schedule.

On day 3, we slightly hinted that this would be the last day we let them work. We ensured them that if they don't fix it by the end of the day, instead of wasting more money into something that isn't even working, we will urgently invest into getting a submersible pump installed, the ultimate answer to all water problems in the poverty-stricken lands of India.

God knows how, by the end of the day, water started coming. We were not relieved, especially I. Not instantly. I waited for the next morning, and then, was a little calmed. After having the payment report (just because I make it sound professional doesn't mean it was, it was an informal description of how much we have to pay and a disambiguation telling why), we realized the fixing cost us over ₹22,000. That's a lot of money for a sudden life problem. And then the motor stopped working again in the evening, whereafter we asked them to have a look again. A quickfix and it started working after adding some water in the pipe.

We are firm that the next step is to get a submersible pump, but even if we put aside the financial challenge for a moment, this season isn't the best one to get it installed. In fact, that should be our last resort, if all options are exhausted, like it would have been if day 3 ended in a disappointment too. But now we have some time to think, plan, and gather money. ₹80,000 isn't a small amount (that's to start, you know it's always more than it seems).

It was the independence day. Wow, what a beautiful day. An independent country, where there are lakhs of smiles of people happy and proud of their country. And lakhs of neutrally frowned faces who don't even know what a country is. All they know is food, water, shelter, and survival. I felt them, I can tell. It must be worse. I wish we had a little more independence too. A stable financial life, my mom's OCD cured, feels like a lovely eye-tearing dream.

Hahaha… I don't know why I'm crying. Is it because of the trauma of 3 painful days? Is it the fear of my parents getting into a fight again? Is it the painful possibility that I might not get a good job because of my not-so good college or my own ineligibility? Or is it just me, a 19 year-old who doesn't even know what to do with his life and is struggling to survive mentally, physically, biologically, academically, and socially?

For those 3 days, I was in a state of suffering. Since I didn't eat much, I didn't need to use the bathroom, but I would have loved to. I would have loved to satisfy my dry throat with some water. Having not drunk or eaten in days had fatigued me. If you want a feel of how long it had been, here's a day 3 picture of an initially dark yellow arhar dal cooked on day 1:

Still, I was receiving phone calls.

Them: Hey Param! What's up? Can you help me with this thing?

Me: Hi, I'm sorry, I can't… I'm kind of in a problem… ...(trying to explain my situation).

Them: That stinks! Sorry about that, dude. Take care. Oh, by the way, can you help me out with this quickly? I really need to do this.

This makes me realize how awfully tooled I have always let myself be. If it was a regular day, I would have probably let go of my busy time and helped them out, but I was in pain. I was enraged. Very angered by their stubbornness and lack of concern for my happiness, when I have always been the one who was there for them. I hung up and left my phone. I didn't feel like touching it anymore. Life felt obsolete.

Evening, day 4, we were preparing for dad's birthday next day. Planning a surprise, we ordered a cake for him by collecting some money. We were very excited. Little did we know our happiness was about to be shattered… That's when the water had stopped working again. We know it got fixed later, but the intensity of the trauma in the moment embedded itself deeply into our hearts, and despite the want to be excited, we weren't very relieved after the news that it was working again. We were constantly afraid it will stop working again.

We desperately tried to stay happy and celebrate his birthday. 12 AM, August 16, we sang happy birthday. Crying on the inside and smiling on the outside, we made ourselves believe that we ought to be happy for survival. The desperation was visible on our faces. Here are some pictures:

Now that I'm out of it (pray, the water works fine), I still don't feel so good about it. I want to hug my parents and stay in their arms forever. I want to see them smiling and keep talking to them forever. I want to be able to forget my pain and begin a happy life with my parents someday. Other people won't help me achieve that, I will.

I attempted to get myself a job offer at some good companies, and the recruiters would admit that I'm worthy and eligible and all, but then conclude, "…but our company generally gives only on-campus opportunities.". I get it. I'm not in an IIT. Not privileged enough to be allowed to compete with those IITians I'm far better than. I'll not have a chance, because they'll never come for on-campus opportunities to my college. Bless the IITs, for they've now stolen a hundred options of success from me despite my hardwork.

It is the interview season. I recently had a huge spam of texts and phonecalls by my seniors, asking, requesting, and even threatening me to help them with their online coding entrances. I clarified that I find it ethically wrong, but they continued to mentally disturb me by saying stuff that they, as my elders, shouldn't. I made a post on LinkedIn regarding that. I was so mentally tortured I couldn't take it anymore. And guess what? The responses were equally surprising and hostile.

A good number of people supported. By "supported", I don't mean "liked the post". Anybody would do that for free. Rather, some people appreciated my bravery and told me I did the right thing. On the other hand, some others simply scolded and criticized me brutally for the defamation of JUET, the possibility of JUET being blacklisted by recruiters, and making LinkedIn an unprofessional platform with my plea. What value I hath wrought from years of hardwork didn't seem to be anything to them. Shame on them for looking down on someone they should have been supportive to. And all those cowards who enjoy the perks of the flattery of such devil elders, may they suffer the consequences. Ahh!

Life is so stupid. Why am I working so hard? Whom for? Hello? Is anybody ever going to acknowledge me? Am I ever going to get any appreciation? EVER? Why me? Why? 😭

The question is on me. I've come far enough to understand how this universe works to a much better extent than before. Will I be able to plan my future strategically and always do what's right for me and my family? I hope I do. I hope I don't disappoint the one person who is always there to support me: Myself.

I had once felt like I saw God, but suddenly there was no God. I looked around. Nothing. I was alone. All by myself. Nobody was there to help me achieve my dreams. I suddenly felt this urge to be so grateful for what I have, and not assume that this is the worst it can get. It could get worse, and there's a lot I can get out of my present rather than worrying about my future. And you, dear reader, ought to be grateful for what you have, too.

I sincerely take my leave now. ❤️

Lots of love,

Param Siddharth.

[lovemissmini]

I Found you

Synopsis: We all need a friend. Sometimes you have to find one to gain one. Especially in this post-apocalyptic world.

Pairing: Taehyung X Reader

Warnings:  Post-apocalypse, reader might not be 100% sane, hints of death, not much action. PG13

Length: ~2k

A/N: I would go crazy if I was all alone for 6 months, no questions asked.

All works here are purely fiction. Everything I write is my intellectual property and therefore belongs to me. Lovemissmini © . Do not copy, rewrite, repost without my permission. That is illegal and you are stealing no matter if you give credit or not.

“If it weren’t for you, Tae, I would have gone crazy a loooong time ago. Hmm?” You spare a glance towards your companion before you continued your babbling. “It’s just, six year, who wouldn’t go insane in that amount of time. All alone. No one to talk to.”

You nod to yourself, sinking deeper into the worn-out armchair, letting the cheap cushioning quickly engulfing your thin form. Human interaction had become a strange topic for you, just like the concept of keeping track of time. Did it really matter what day of the week it was? It’s not like you had a job or anything. So, what did it matter if you woke up at 1 in the afternoon or ate during the deadly hours of dawn? Hell, why do you even care about the number of times the sun rose before it ultimately set to make the end of the day. One day or six years, tomato tomato.

You should stop. Your mind was wandering off on a tangent even whilst you continued to hold a conversation on a separate matter, yet again. Your thoughts always did that, wander off, that is, into an incoherent multitude of ideas. That’s just how your brain worked. Or maybe that’s your insanity talking.

“But I’m lucky to have found you, yeah?”

You look out of the window of your new living room, into the streets and the cars that haphazardly littered the cracked roads and pavement. Room, that’s quite an interesting word choice. It might be too generous a word for the space where you were seated as of now. A room would imply an enclosed area with a roof above your head and at least three connected walls and some form of a door or partition. Right?

But your choice of temporary lodging was, to be honest, not quite the conventional image you would associate with that word. The best you could truly say about said room was that it was once a room. All that was left was remnants of a living room; the lone standing section of the street facing wall decorated with a broken window frame, piles of brick from the other less fortunate walls scattering the surrounding chaos, broken scraps of furniture thrown around you in a disordered arrangement.

At least it had a mostly intact armchair and couch. Right? Yeah, so who care. Life is good.

“I mean, you’re lucky I found you. Hella lucky at that.”

The lack of a roof let the evening sun beamed down on you from the sky, heating up your skin and leaving a warm tingle as your fingers played with the loose threads of the chair, twirling them around your finger absentmindedly.

“Hey, are you just gonna keep ignoring me? I said I was sorry for nearly leaving you behind last time. I even got you a new shirt to make up for it.” You huff in frustration, glaring at said shirt that fitted around your partner; a black and white abstract collage of spikey leaves artistically decorating the thin material, beautifully trimmed into what was now button up shirt that sported a deliciously deep v neckline. It was slightly revealing but not quite, just enough to give a hint of what was underneath but leave you wanting more.

“That shirt is in so much better condition than anything I’m wearing right now.” A scowl pulled at your lips as you regard the tattered t-shirt that clung to your skin, dirt discolouring the once yellow fabric into a murky brown and the pair of barely held together ripped jeans, denim threatened to fall off your thin waist even after being tied tightly by a belt.

You abruptly get up, palms slamming down on the arms of your chair, sudden movement causing ancient dusk to explode from deep within the fibres and into a thick cloud that surrounded you. You push past the brown haze of floating particles- ignoring the need to cough from the putrid smell- and close the distance between you and your companion.

“Listen here you ungrateful piece of shit! You don’t get to ignore me. I found you so I make the rules. I can leave you when and if I want. Capish?” Your voice breaks through the otherwise silent atmosphere before dissipating into the distance. Your eyes were hard with anger, veins bulging in your neck from the strain, as you glared at the unseeing eyes of your companion.

You blink, veins running cold as you realise your sudden outburst. It was uncalled for. Regret slowly filtered into your system, weighing you down like lead. You take deep slow breaths, trying to calm your racing heart and the roar pulsing in your ears.

“I’m sorry.” You voice is barely a whisper when you come through, a slight quiver at the last syllable and thick with guilt. The crimson in your cheeks fading as you settle down next to your companion on the couch, eyes shifting to gauge their reaction- or lack of one in this case.

“I’ll forgive you if you forgive me.” You joke, a small chuckle trying to defuse the tension that hung heavy in the air. Your hands betray the cheerfulness mask you donned, thumb rubbing the barcode inked into the skin of your left wrist, in a nervous habit that first formed in the lab. “I- uh- well, I forgive you too. Just because I like how handsome you and your stupidly symmetrical face are.”

There was no response. At least none out loud. In fact, there never was a reply out loud from your companion since you found them five years ago, and never would be. The only replies you earned were ones spoken to back of your mind, a deep voice echoing your subliminal thoughts back to you, answering your conscious questions. You companion, the top half of a male mannequin, would never grow a set of vocal cords to voice the replies you longed to actually hear.

If someone were to ever talk to you, question who it was you were talking to, you would have simply stated it was to yourself. Because that would mean you were never alone to begin with, never needing to talk to a humanoid piece of plastic. Right?

But there was no one else.

There no one left, no one ever since that happened six years ago.

“Anyway, let’s go. I want to see what that blinking light was from last night.” You announce as you get up from the two-seater, tossing on your backpack as you stand waiting for your partner to get up with you. You roll your eyes at the lack of movement in your peripheral view, head turning to throw a glare at its plastic form still seated on the couch. “Get up you lazy ass. Get up or I’ll carry you.”

You stand there for a moment longer, waiting for its plastic muscles to twitch under the heavy weight of your gaze. But your effects are yet again fruitless, the only signs of motion par your breathing was the dust dancing weightlessly in the air, illuminated by the setting sun as the specks float carelessly around you.

You sigh, giving up your side of the stalemate and pick up the oversized plastic excuse of a friend. The weak muscles of your arms ache under the burden, straining to produce a strong grip as you walk out onto the streets.

As you venture further into the deserted mass of torn buildings, further into the what could barely be recognised as Seoul, you reach the glass doors of a seemingly intact corporate building. The name of the facility standing tall and proud on the metal door frame, as if in celebration of its survival, almost unscathed par from the broken glass and a missing letter, the skyscraper was rather untouched.

“B-um-Bigit. HA. Sounds a lot like bigot, doesn’t it, Tae?” You muse, as you shift the plastic deadweight in your arms to a more comfortable position.

After exploring the bottom floors of building, going through countless office draws and lab cabinets, you filled up the most of your backpack with expired food items and multiple water bottles. Still, you had yet to find the source of the blinking lights you had seen last night.

“Maybe its further up?” You question out loud.

“Yeah, you’re right Tae, it must be one of the top floors. How else would I have seen it amongst the other buildings?” A grin splits your dry lips, tongue darting out to wet the cracked skin- ignoring the lingering taste of dirt.

“You’re so smart, bud, what would I do without you?”

You continue your journey up, scavenging through every nook and cranny of each floor before arriving at the top landing. A gasp leaves you lips, eyes widening as you look out from the doorway of the staircase and into the concrete floorplan. A glint of excitement sparked in your eyes, much like it did when you found a can of peaches.

The 16th floor was so different to the lower levels, barren like a construction site but shielded under large planes of glass and metal frames in a greenhouse-like roof. Moonlight filtered through the clear glass, illuminating the area in a milky wash of pale white and harsh shadows.

The grey concrete floor was littered with giant solar panels, all scattered methodically around three capsules that laid in the middle of everything. Walking forward, you trotted down the empty path that connected the doorway directly to the capsules, careful not to touch the electronics barricading you on either side.

The capsules were large, large enough to fit a person, you note to yourself as you walk past the first two. Or maybe a giant alligator, you never know.

You don’t bother inspecting two pods, both dark and most likely damaged as a large piece of metal beam speared the centre of one, a thick layer of dried green mould covered the cracked glass panels of the other, obscuring the view of what you assumed was the face of whoever it coffined. Not that you cared.

They were not of interest to you. Especially not when the last capsule vibrating with a low electronic hum. Small lights that were attached to the surface of pod pulsing, bright reds and whites flickers in the darkness as if demanding attention. And attention if caught.

You place Tae on the floor, hands steadying its plastic frame whilst your eyes were still glued to the flashing lights. “Wait here, Tae.” You tiptoed closer to the pod like a moth to fire, neck shifting as you crane you head to see above the capsule before you carefully approached it.

A yellow screen blinked on and off at the centre of the capsule. Bold black lettering fizzing from sparking pixels. You narrow your eyes, brows furrowing in concentration as you focused on trying to decipher the message. After a handful of seconds, you make out the warning.

Emergency- press red button for capsule ejection. Subject -

A hand moves to lift a clear plastic cap, hovering over the large obnoxiously red button, hesitant to push it as instructed.

Instead, you hand reaches to swipe off the sheet of debris covering the glass face panel. Eyes sweeping the sleeping form of the person trapped in the metal pod. The moonlight casting soft lighting against their prominent features. Their eyes were closed, long eyelashes fanning high cheekbones, thick brows tucked under gently tousled hair. Corking your head to the side, you continued to admire the pillowy shape of their plush lips, imagining the way the heart shaped flesh would move as it talked.

“Kim Taehyung.” The name from the screen rolling off your tongue seamlessly. Your lips twitching into a soft smile, your friend of five years long forgotten in the mass of solar panels. “I found you. Will you be my friend?”

[vernonluver]

24 hrs - wong lucas

prompt- 24 hours with your secret boyfriend wong lucas 

word count- 1.9k

note- omg im posting hehe uhh theres no warnings in this besides so angst and theres literally no talking in this my bad homes

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5:00am

It happens almost every morning, you get a text from your boyfriend telling you good morning and how much he loves you. That he knows you’re asleep but somehow someway you’ll wake up from your deep sleep to text him back before his recordings start. You’ve been with Lucas for a year and for that year the only two people who know of the relationship are you two, and you’ve made it work. The sneaking around gets old and sometimes you feel like he forgets you exist, but he doesn’t, it’s quite the opposite actually. You’re always on his mind, when he’s surrounded by camera crews and his band mates the only person he can’t seem to forget is you. When these thoughts get too much the text at five in morning always comes and you feel the love from him pour through his words.

“Good morning my love, today the guys and I are filming for a variety show that I don’t know much about, hopefully that doesn’t bite me in the as haha. I love you so much and I hope your morning is wonderful despite classes. Text me when you wake up, I love you so much and I can’t wait to see you tonight. <333333”

7:00am

Your alarm never fails to leave you agitated, the shrill sound pissed you off beyond belief but you know that you have to make your eight am because if you miss another class your professor would kill you. You look at your phone to see Lucas’ text to you, a smile finding its way onto your tired face, he never failed to make you smile like a dummy. He was the love of your life and you couldn’t wait for the day you could tell the world. He made the gloomy days so much brighter with his loud laugh and contagious smile. You sent him a text back telling him about your plans for the day that you hoped his filming goes well and that you love him too. You drag yourself out of bed, your feet feeling a little lighter now that you’ve talked to your boyfriend, your eight am was waiting for you and who were you to keep intro to psych waiting? 

9:30am

Your first class of the day was over and you had an hour and a half to kill before heading to your second and final class of the day. You decide that feeding yourself would be best and you head to the cafe that had the muffins you loved so much. After a long day for Lucas you brought him a muffin from the cafe that sits on the edge of campus, it was a chocolate one, that was probably  the happiest you had seen Lucas in weeks. The muffin brought him so much joy you couldn’t help but buy one for yourself along with a coffee, you ate the food with a smile on your face.

12:30pm

Your class had finished for the day and now it was time to go have lunch with your friends, you were very lucky to have them. When you couldn’t see Lucas they always cheered you up, and they loved to go and eat lunch. They’re loud laughs always made your cheeks hurt from smiling so big. Half way through talking about due dates and horrible teachers your back pocket buzzes meaning you got a text. When you saw Baby<3 pop up on your screen you tried your best to hide the smile that was fighting to take over your face.

“I hope your classes went well today my baby, there is only a few more hours left of shooting and then I’ll be able to head to yours and give you all the hugs and kisses I want hehe. I love you, have fun with your friends!”

He was so sweet, so sweet it almost hurt you. Sometimes you felt like you didn’t deserve him, that he was too good and too pure. These thoughts didn’t have time to take over before one of your friends called you out for smiling at your phone, an eyebrow raised as if asking who is it that is making you blush. You hope the excuse of a picture of your dog from home will trick them once again.

2:30pm

You smile at your coworkers and greet customers as you walk into the small coffee shop you work in, It wasn’t the best place to work and the pay kind of sucked but it payed the bills, and that is all you could ask for. The four hour shift felt like it could last for forever when you know that Lucas would be at your house in just a few hours, he just couldn’t seem to leave you alone today. He invaded very thought you had, you wondered if he would like the new drink your cafe had been promoting, or what he would think of the things you’re learning in class. He followed you around like a shadow but without actually being there. Lucas had you so sidetracked today that you accidentally called out his name instead of a customers, you were so embarrassed you couldn’t look the guy in for the rest of the time he was in the cafe.

6:30

You leave the cafe smelling like coffee beans and sugar, the smell almost too sweet. You were so excited to see Lucas you almost forgot you needed to pick up dinner for the both of you. Thai food, you loved it and he couldn’t seem to eat enough of it. The wait wasn’t long and soon you were on your way to you apartment and texting Lucas that you were off work and picked up food. He texted back a few minutes later saying that he had just gotten back to the dorms and to give him another hour to sneak off. You smiled at the text and sent him back some hearts. Before you knew it you were at your apartment.

7:00pm

Once you’re home and the food is in the microwave to stay warm you hop in the shower to get the smell of coffee off of you. You text Xuxi that you’re home, that the front door is open, and that your roommate isn’t home. The shower doesn’t last very long and soon you’re changing into shorts and one of Lucas’ shirts, somehow it still smells like him even after being in your house for so long. You see a text from Lucas ten minutes ago saying that he’s about twenty minutes away. You put some night cream on and try and dry your hair as much as you could.

7:25pm

You heard the door open and shut and then foot steps sounded into the kitchen where you stood. You turn around and a huge smile took residence on your face. Lucas was covered in black from head to toe, even a mask adorned his face. Your legs moved before your mind and soon you had your arms around his neck and you were pressing kisses everywhere his mask wasn’t. His laugh flooded the apartment and his hands pulled down the mask and he pulled you closer to him so he could finally kiss you. His lips were soft, as they always were, and his grip was tight on your waist. It had been a few weeks since you last saw each other, and the desperation in your kisses and touches expressed that wanting for the both of you. Soon you both break away, breathless but the hunger you both felt was over powering. You both sat down, the thai food in your laps and you both talked about your days. Lucas told you about all the dumb ass games the host made all the boys play and you told him about the ridiculous amount of homework your psych professor assigned you. Every so often between bites he would lean over and kiss you, once, twice, maybe three times just to hear you laugh and feel you on him. You ached to have this every day, not just once every few weeks when he could seek out of the dorms. You had to wait, and you understood that, but it didn’t make it any less painful.

8:00pm

You told Lucas to go shower and take his makeup off, you knew he couldn’t be comfortable in his skin tight clothing that the stylist always put him in. While he showered you cleaned up the kitchen and tried your hardest to push away the sadness that was slowly filling your chest. You didn’t want him to leave, you wanted him to always be with you and stay in your arms, no matter how selfish it was. He is you baby and you never wanted to let him go. When he got out of the shower, now in clothes that he kept at yours just in case, you laid in bed. His chest was against yours and his head was in the crook of your neck. You could feel his breathing matching up every time you ran your fingers through his dark hair.

9:30pm

You two decided that you wanted to watch We Bare Bears. You find comfort in the show, and he found it funny. He found ice bear super funny, you swear you had never seen him laugh as hard as he did when Ice Bears drone got smashed by the subway. His laugh sounded like music to your ears. Lucas kept kissing you, leaving small pecks all over your face, neck, and shoulders. He never wanted to leave your side.

10:30pm

You’re both tired, but neither of you want to sleep. You don’t want to leave his arms and he would rather never have another shooting if it meant he got to spend the rest of his time like this. How he was able to spend the night with you, you didn’t know, but you didn’t question. After the TV was turned off and you two felt sleep creeping up on you, you realized you didn’t know the next time you would see him. You decided not to focus on that but on the fact that the love of your life was in your arms. You focused on his breath hitting the side of your face and how the sleepier he got the more his hands would twitch indicating that he was getting closer to sleep. You kissed his cheek and told him you loved him, he groaned in response but you knew what he meant.

5:00am

You woke up to Lucas pulling the covers over your shoulders and him kissing you on the top of your head. When he saw your eyes open he smiled down at you, telling you to go back to bed and that he would text you later and to enjoy your day. You smiled up at him and let out a raspy “I love you”, he giggled and told you he loved you too. He left the room after many more kisses and you closed your eyes, trying to get a few more hours of sleep before your classes for the day start. You’re almost asleep when you hear your phone go off. You roll over and beam at your phone seeing a text from Xuxi.

“I know I just left you but I wanted to tell you how much I love you again, thank you for staying with me when I know this situation is hard, only a few more months before we can tell the world about our love. Have an amazing day at uni and pls don’t forget to eat and do your homework. I’ll talk to you later my baby, I love you<3333”

[chasing-rabbits]

What made you go vegan originally?

Well I was vegetarian after being basically woken up to the truth. I was quite naive and sheltered I guess? Maybe cos I saw cows grazing outside my window we lived next to a small farm and all I ever saw was animals grazing never saw anyone take them away from the field outside my window.Then honestly by this point I was 18 when I went vegetarian. at 15ish I had been seeing doctors I saw 3 different ones I was underweight the dentist thought I was bulimic due to the damage on the back of my teeth from throwing up so much. I complained that when I even try to drink cups of tea I’d often lose the ability to swallow. It didnt effect breathing or anything just I couldnt swallow properly.They said there is nothing for it. Its IBS by the time I saw the 3rd Doctor. When I went vegetarian for the animals some of my symptoms improved I later found out my mum was intolerant to meat and so am I. However when I went to university I went vegetarian the summer before uni started.I ended up eating more junk food and more cheese based foods. At home not by any conscious means but I guess i was eating no where near as much dairy as at uni. I was getting so sick then one day I looked up milk allergies and how they diagnose it. I found out they get you to go dairy free for just over a month the time required for your body to completely get rid of all dairy traces and then they reintroduce it. I didnt exactly plan to reintroduce it as I was eating plant based for just over a month when we went away on holiday to bruge now this was around 5 years ago. They barely understood vegetarian let alone vegan. One day I gave up after literally a few hours finding some where to eat. I ate a bite of cheese pasta and felt light headed dizzy and was wheezing worse than my mum who has asthma.At that point it was clear I have a dairy allergy which has recently been confirmed by a dietitian I am seeing for possible celiac now. Just got the blood test done on that earlier this week.Anyways around that time I was looking into veganism just anything I could find out about it from nutrition to the why. I was genuinely unaware of the baby chicks getting killed for eggs or the dairy cows being pregnant continually to produce milk and the calves being killed as veal and such as ‘waste’ products.I saw Earthlings I cried a lot and that was it really. Because i mean i couldve still had eggs as a vegetarian and be no dairy. But seeing what happens to one day old chicks even now I just want to just no...it makes me teary eyed thinking back to what I saw happen to them. So since then really i’ve been vegan there have been two times where I broke this both times mostly affected by my mental health. I have bipolar and borderline PD and uhh I have issues surrounding certain things and I made poor decisions for about a week or so the two times it happened.Some people cuss me out for this and shit on me but I feel like look whilst mental illness is not an excuse when you’ve developed an unhealthy relationship with food due to years of being scared to eat and being accused of having anorexia. becoming obssessed and fixated on calories and food and intake. When that turns dark and goes the opposite and becoming obssessed with losing weight and then you get put on medication that makes you go from 7st 5ish lbs to over 14 and a half stone in less than 6 months.it’ll fuck with you. I was very underweight and to go from that to double it almost in such a short amount of time I guess just triggered that past behaviours in me. To do anything to lose weight. The medication made me so hungry and I’d get so upset I’d binge eat my emotions away. Then I saw Keto and thought okay I’ll do this. Actually my reasoning behind it was because I am intolerant to meat and I used to think to myself if only I could get the same effect as I did when i ate meat. And then i ended up doing keto and eating meat. See meat would bloat me up after a couple bites i physically couldn’t eat more. I had some really destructive behaviours and thought patterns back then. I basically wanted to make my body bloated and in pain and sick so that I couldn’t eat and would bypass binge eating emotionally and lose weight fast. It didn’t last long before i woke up and was like holy shit Erin not only are you damaging your body you’re hurting animals and I snapped out of it. The other time I dont remember what happened I think it might’ve been when I was manic. Unfortunately when I am manic aside from last year every other year ive had a manic episode ive not been lucid Im very much not as aware or in control in that I feel like im almost an outside watching in but i cant keep up. And then even now I cannot remember the mania I had the year before last its so hazy to me I remember very little of it. Last year was the first year i was with it lucid and able to remember it. Which honestly was weird because its like you see yourself doing the stuff except you still struggle or cannot stop it. So its still really odd and because youre aware of what you are doing but lack the ability to often prevent the actions people don’t quite get it its like how can you be so aware yet keep doing it.Anyways I got sidetracked! I guess i feel i have to explain why I ended up twice in the 5yrs ive been vegan going back to meat. But yeah I am not at that point anymore in my life where I have those negative behaviours surrounding that particular issue at least thank god. So I found veganism through health issues and stayed for the animals and ethics. Honestly though if someone watches Earthlings and doesn’t go vegan I dont know how that even happens its so the most upsetting unsettling devastating video to watch and a real reality check to what truly happens.

[fernwehbookworm]

Woke the F*ck Up- Chapter 6

August 11th, 2017

For the second morning, Lena wakes up in Kara's apartment. The blonde is still sound asleep, facing away on her stomach but an arm flung possessively around Lena's waist. The sun was just beginning to brighten the window next to Kara's bed. It seemed peaceful. For the first time in months, Lena didn't have to be anywhere. Carefully Lena tries to get up from under Kara's arm. The blonde groans and tightens her hold.

“No moving.” Lena hears mumbled into the pillow.

“Kara, I have to. I really have to pee.” Kara grumbles into her pillow but relents.

When Lena is finished she sneaks into the kitchen, hoping for food. Kara's fridge is full of take-out containers and no actual food. Not that Lena could cook anything if she found something. Lena grabs her phone from the coffee table. It only rings once before she answers.

“I need help.”

“What is it?” Jessica already sounds wide awake, does this woman ever take a vacation?

“I’m-I’m at Kara's. She doesn't have any food because I thought about making breakfast, then I remembered that I can't cook.”

“You want me to send breakfast your way?”

“Yes. Does any place deliver?”

“Lena dear, you are in the city with near-limitless funds. Breakfast will be there in half an hour.”

“Thank you. Also, Kara eats enough for like, three, so please get a lot. What would I do without you?”

“Nothing really. You obviously can't even feed yourself.” Lena laughs.

“Goodbye Jessica.”

“I want details later.”

“Of course.”

“Bye.”

Lena hangs up and finds a charging cord in the kitchen to plug in her phone then returns to the warm bed with the sleeping woman. As soon as Lena lays back down, Kara rolls over and pulls her into the warm body. She places a lazy kiss on Lena's shoulder before resting her forehead against it. The simple gesture sends Lena's heart racing before she settles into Kara and lets the sun warm her face.

Lena must have dozed off again because she feels like she blinks and then there is an insistent knocking at the door. Somehow Kara had managed to tangle them together in the short amount of time. Legs and arms intwine and Kara's fingers have a near bruising grip on Lena's hip.

Lena manages to squirm away from Kara again and finds a t-shirt and shorts laying in the floor to throw on. Her purse is on the kitchen island where she left it the night before. She grabs the cash she has been keeping on hand. Then the glasses she brought with her. She slept with her contacts in and her eyes were already disagreeing with that. The teenage boy on the other side of the door holds three plastic bags near bursting. He juggles them to accept the hundred dollar bill before Lena takes the bags.

“Keep the change,” Lena says, not letting him respond before swinging the door back shut.

Lena is in the middle of laying out the food when a sleepy Kara wonders in, wrapped in her bedsheet, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. Her nose is practically leading the rest of her body and Lena giggles at that.

“Good morning,” Lena says. Kara still hasn't opened her eyes.

“Mmm… food. You brought food.” Lena laughs again.

“Yes. Turns out you can have breakfast delivered for enough money.” Waffles, bacon, sausage, scrambled eggs, and fresh fruit litter the counter now.

Kara finally opens her eyes and the blue causes Lena to intake a sharp breath. Kara's eyes hungrily take in the small feast before her before looking at Lena. Blue was definitely Lena's favorite color.

“I think the only thing I like right now more than this food is you standing there in an NSYNC shirt,” Kara smirks before heading to the fridge and grabbing the orange juice.

The two settle onto the stools next to the island. Both eat directly from the containers as they chat and laugh. The whole thing felt so normal. Something the Lena’s had been craving for years.

“So the whole line about riding in the shopping cart is true?” Kara asks through laughter. She had been asking Lena questions all through breakfast that Kara had mostly consumed herself. Lena was answering between bites and trying to skip over the deeper issues of most her stories; drugs, drinking, lovers, the occasional arrest.

“Yup. It was after my first sold-out arena. The after-party was huge, in a house we rented near a college campus. I bought it from a homeless man for like two hundred dollars cash and then we thought it would be a great idea to push each other downhills and then run from campus police. What's one of the craziest things you've done?”

“Nothing really. Wait I was arrested for a bar fight once.” Lena's eyes go wide.

“You? Arrested?”

“Yeah. I had to go pick up my sister. She went out while she was in college and needed a ride home. Some douchebag was hitting on her and had her cornered. I went up to him and asked him to back off. He told me to leave then turned right around and started touching her. I lost my cool and knocked him out. The police captain let me go with a warning when he saw the security tape from the bar.”

“So nothing too crazy. Just standing up for your sister.”

“Okay yeah. I'm not crazy. My job was exciting enough. I spent most of my time at the gym anyway.”

“Okay, so something has been bothering me since I woke up.”

“What is it?” Concern colors Kara's voice.

“If you are such an athlete and everything. How come you have almost nothing nutritional in your fridge?” Kara laughs.

“Near-death experience. I almost died and up until that point I had a perfectly planned diet. I only allowed the occasional meal out. Then I woke up and realized I almost missed out on food. So now I eat what I want for the most part. I burn through a lot of calories. I don't need to be so strict since I retired anyway.”

“Okay fair enough.”

Kara begins moving to dispose of the takeout containers and clean up. Lena goes to finally take out her contacts. She just throws them away and texts Jess to make sure she has more in her room. When Lena returns Kara is dressed in shorts and a t-shirt.

“What do you want to do today?” She asks from the couch.

“Don't you have to work or something?” Lena asks. She hasn't had a real job ever but she's pretty sure most people work on weekdays.

“Nope. I canceled any further training sessions this week. On Monday I have another school I'm volunteering at but other than that I'm free until you have to leave. When do you go to Europe?”

Lena's heart already aches at the thought of leaving Kara. How did she get in so deep so quickly? They spent three nights in a row together and Lena isn't sure if she's ready to spend one apart.

“My flight is Wednesday. I have to meet with my producer on Thursday. Then we have a bunch of promotional stuff that weekend before my first concert the following Wednesday.” Kara heaves a sigh.

“Well, whatever we do I want to spend as much of our time together.”

“Agreed.” Says Lena. She moves to straddle Kara's lap and kiss her.

A key jiggles in the lock and the door opens before either can react. Alex stops short as both heads snap to look over at her. Alex slaps her hand over her eyes and groans.

“Remind me to always knock.”

Lena slides off Kara's lap and Kara stands up to go greet her sister.

“Relax, everyone's dressed here.”

“Yeah just be glad you didn't walk in ten minutes ago.” Lena teases. Alex makes a face and Kara shoots daggers over her shoulder. Lena shrugs and ignores them.

“Yup definitely knocking from now on. I brought doughnuts.” Alex holds up the pink bakery box.

“Crullers?”

“Of course.” Kara licks her lips and liberates the box from her sister.

“Lena there is plenty if you would like one,” Alex says.

“Thanks, Alex but we just ate and only one of us has a bottomless pit for a stomach.” Alex laughs at Lena's response.

“Good thing you can afford to feed her. I probably could have traveled the world five times over with the money I spend on food for her.”

“Hey!” Kara interjects, only gaining laughter from the other two.

It does nothing to stop Kara from picking up two doughnuts and returning to the couch. Alex follows with her own.

“Is this a safe place to sit?” Alex asks indicating the chair. Kara rolls her eyes.

“Yes, Alex.”

“So what brings you over this morning?” Kara asks through the half-chewed pastry. Thankfully Alex swallows before responding.

“Honestly I don't know. I'm just really nervous about this date tonight. I mean, I haven't really dated since Sara two years ago and now this beautiful and confident woman is asking me out.”

“You know what you need?” Lena asks. Alex shakes her head.

“To go shopping. I am going to have you dressed to the nines for your date tonight.”

“What?” Kara and Alex ask at the same time.

“Oh yeah. My personal stylist is still in the city. Let me give him a call. He sets up a studio everywhere we go.” Both sisters stammer for a reply.

“Lena that's very generous but you really don't have to. I mean we can just go downtown or something.”

“I can and will. Besides, the paparazzi know I'm still in National City and that's the first place they'll look. Trust me.” Lena gets up to go to Kara's bedroom to make a call.

“Okay I don't care if she is bribing a federal agent to like her, but I like her,” Alex says, Kara laughs.

“You liked her before you met her.”

“Yeah as a singer, but as the person dating my sister I'm obligated to dislike her.” Lena returns as the sisters break out into laughter.

“Okay, Gabriel will be ready in an hour. He has a small loft rented downtown. Just in case we are spotted coming or going you may want hats and sunglasses things to obscure your faces.”

“Kara what did you get me into?” Alex asks her sister. Kara just shrugs.

“I'll be back in half an hour. Good thing I have training in being incognito.” Alex says as she walks back out the door.

“So we have half an hour.” Kara raises her eyebrow at Lena.

Lena laughs and straddles Kara’s lap again, kissing her deeply. That's how they spend the next twenty minutes. At some point Kara lays down and pulls Lena on top as they lazily kiss, just enjoying each other's presence. Soon the alarm Kara set to avoid another awkward encounter with her sister goes off so they go get dressed. Lena borrows clean clothes from Kara, including capris that are basically pants on her and an old sweatshirt that Kara kept around from her high school club karate team.

They are both putting on their shoes when Alex knocks. Kara laughs and hollars for her to come in. She does look pretty inconspicuous. A leather jacket, ball cap, and large aviator sunglasses. Kara pulls on her own ball cap and hands a pair of sunglasses to Lena. The three of then hop into Alex's car and begin to fight the traffic to get downtown. The radio playing in the background as the sisters banter up front. A soft chiming plays on the radio after the commercial.

My friends don't walk, they run Skinny dip in rabbit holes for fun Popping, popping balloons with guns, getting high off helium We paint white roses red Each shade from a different person's head This dream, dream is a killer Getting drunk with the blue caterpillar

Alex glides to a stop at a light and both look back at Lena, unsure how to react. This is why Lena never listened to her own music once it was out there in the world.

“What's your stance on changing the station?” Alex asks.

“It's fine. I mean I don't usually listen to my own music but I know you're a fan. Just leave it.”

I'm nuts, baby, I'm mad The craziest friend that you've ever had You think I'm psycho, you think I'm gone Tell the psychiatrist something is wrong Over the bend, entirely bonkers You like me best when I'm off my rocker Tell you a secret, I'm not alarmed So what if I'm crazy? The best people are All the best people are crazy, all the best people are

Silence fills the car, amplifying the song. Everyone searches desperately for a way to break the awkwardness. Lena is the first, deciding to share a bit of herself with the woman she was quickly falling for.

“I wrote this after I overdosed a couple days after Lionel was arrested. The press had been all over me and this girl showed me a way to forget. When I came to in the hospital I knew I screwed up. I wasn't in a good place and the therapist suggested writing to sort out my feelings. I hadn’t in a long time as I got caught up in the tour. This is what came out. Alice and Wonderland was one of my favorite movies as a kid. My brother snuck it into the house and we watched it together late at night. Lillian disapproved of anything not educational.”

No one responds. Kara just turns in her seat and rests a hand on Lena's knee. The song ends and the radio host starts babbling away. Kara's eyes filled with pain that reflects Lena's own. No one knew that besides Jess and her old producer, and the first responders that were called. Everyone was paid off to keep it quiet.

“We are here,” Alex says softly. It shakes the two women out of their silent discussion of Kara trying hard to convey how much she supports Lena and how much she appreciates her sharing.

Alex opens her door and stirs Lena and Kara. The rest of the day passes quickly. Lena can honestly say she had fun. All three end up trying on different clothes and goofing around like some ridiculous teen rom-com but the innocent fun is something Lena hasn’t had in a long time.

Alex leaves with a stunning dress in hand and her makeup done. She is much less nervous after Lena and Kara had spent much time gushing over her. Alex drops the pair back off at Kara's apartment. They settle back in for a movie, well make-out session, and order dinner. Kara is trying to draw out every detail from Lena that she can. Lena tries the same.

“Physical therapy was probably the hardest. I woke up and could hardly move. My muscles had begun to deteriorate from lack of use and nutrition. On top of that, I was dealing with the death of Jeremiah. I had missed the funeral. Couldn't even say goodbye. I kept thinking he couldn't be gone and would walk in at any moment. Then I had Eliza and Alex always looking at me with this look, it was this…”

“Pity. That's usually how people look at me when they find out I'm a Luthor.”

“Yeah, that's kind of it. Like they were trying to understand what I was going through. And they did kind of. But I was broken in both body and mind. My life had fallen apart while I slept. I cried until I couldn't anymore. Then I just refused to talk for about two weeks. Like I could hear Alex trying to get me to go to my therapy but I didn't, not really. I knew what I needed to do but I just had no motivation. Like the crash knocked my desire to live right out of me. I curled inside myself. I couldn't even look at my own body, the broken bones and bruises had faded but my body was malformed from weeks in bed and no food. Soon Alex stopped coming. And who can blame her? She hated me for taking away her father.”

“Kara that can't be true.” Lena lays a hand on Kara's.

“I know that now. But I didn't then. I found out later how depressed I became after the accident. Then it dredged up the pain from losing my own parents and I spiraled hard.”

“How did you get back to this ray of sunshine?”

“A lot of therapy. Some drugs. And Winn’s constant companionship. The drugs made me foggy but as I got better, Alex helped me get back into actual exercise after I was cleared. The endorphins helped me get off the pills and stay off them, to my doctor's delight. It also helped with my self-image when my body started to look like me again. It's still a struggle sometimes though. The doubt creeps in. The nightmares sometimes wake me up.”

“Wow, Kara. I had no idea.”

The two fall asleep wrapped up together in Kara's bed. They had shared late into the night. It felt good for Lena to share who she was with someone. A small part of her panicked at someone knowing her this well. It meant she could be hurt so much worse but then there was Kara holding her and she was so real, and soft, and possessive of Lena that it was hard to believe Kara would ever let her go, literally sometimes.

[kriskebob-blog]

Day 4: Rainy Saturdays are for cooking (and Netflix)

Hi all. As I write this, it’s the winding down of a gorgeous (and HOT) sunny Sunday here in CT but when I woke up yesterday, I actually thought it still had to be 6am or earlier because it was so dark in our room. Turns out it was actually 8:30am and just pouring buckets outside. Good day to stay inside and cook some comfort food items. 

My second breakfast recipe from Dr. G’s cookbook was definitely simpler than the burrito bake: French toast with a berry drizzle. I also wanted to make a fruit compote for an extra topping. The cookbook’s recipe is titled as a pear compote, but pears are out of season right now, and honestly why would you put a few sad-looking Bartletts in your grocery basket when there are farmstand peaches just up the road? To my delight, when I flipped open the cookbook on Saturday morning I read a line I hadn’t noticed before: you could vary it up by using apples, peaches, or plums in place of the pears. Perfect! 

Sam was still sleeping (he tends to be a bit more of a late riser compared to me on most days). I enjoyed the solitude for a bit and diced up four peaches as I listened to the rain. The compote was honestly super easy to throw together once the peaches were chopped. I threw them in a pot with some water, blended lemon, raisins, date sugar, vanilla extract, and some spices. I left that to simmer while I prepped the plant-based version of a dipping mixture for the toast. And in case you’re wondering, no, I did NOT find salt-free bread at the grocery store. I found the whole wheat bread that had the lowest amount of sugar/sodium and least amount of funky-sounding ingredients on the label and called it a day. (As an aside, Sam had thought he’d be required to give up toast completely during these two weeks and was really excited when he came home on Friday and saw a loaf of bread sitting on the counter, it was kind of cute.)   

I had to make my own almond milk for the French toast dipping mixture. Dr. G. doesn’t approve of store-brought almond milk, too many chemicals or whatever. Not a whole food! Luckily, I already had almond butter from my first grocery shopping extravaganza of the week. All you had to do by Dr. G’s standard was blend a couple tablespoons of almond butter with some water and ta-da, you’ve got almond milk that’s apparently less likely to kill you. For the French toast, Dr. G. instructed that I needed to mix some ground flaxseed with a bit of warm water and then add it in with the almond milk. More date sugar, vanilla extract, a bit of turmeric and cinnamon, and boom. 

Sam was awake by now and I immediately put him on toasting duty. He’s become the defacto breakfast-cooking king in our household over the past 5 years, which is odd really when he’s less the morning person of the two of us. But he genuinely enjoys whipping up eggs, bacon, French toast, etc. on the weekends, and I’ve certainly never been about to stop him. He got out our griddle and began dipping the bread while I set about making the “berry drizzle.” Dr. G advised I use this as a condiment for the French toast in place of maple syrup. It has two ingredients: 1 cup of fresh or frozen berries and a couple of tablespoons of date syrup. 

The date syrup became yet another case of my assuming I’d be able to throw together a Dr. G. sauce or condiment quickly in my blender, only to discover I actually needed to soak a key ingredient in hot water for an hour or more. Oops. Oh well. I’d use a tablespoon of agave nectar in its place and that would just have to do. 

Here’s the berry drizzle in a super cute pitcher our family friend Kelly gave us as an engagement gift years ago:

Adorable, right? Ignore whatever that spot is on our table. Anywho, I can report that Sam didn’t love toasting the bread on our griddle without using any oil spray. The slices did stick a little but we salvaged most of it. The peach compote had reduced nicely by then and we were in business. 

It was super delicious. The peach compote is definitely what made the dish, although the berry drizzle was tasty as well. Both were made with local and in-season fruit so it’s pretty hard to go wrong there. 

Sam and I settled in for a lazy morning of Netflix (we’re watching Stranger Things - second watch for me, first time for Sam!). By 11 I had to admit to myself that I really needed to get my ass to the gym, even though it was still miserable outside. I moaned and groaned at Sam (he had gone the night before and wouldn’t be accompanying me) but eventually got my ass into gear. I was curious: I’ve been eating plant-based for, you know, a whole two and a half days now. Would I have more energy at the gym? Would I just be able to sense the power of a thousand vegetables coursing through my veins on the treadmill? 

The answer: NOPE. I actually felt a bit more winded than usual which, of course, set off an anxiety thought spiral in my brain. Damn it. Maybe this diet isn’t actually good for me. Am I not getting enough protein? People always harass vegans about their protein, maybe it’s a legitimate concern! 

I made it through my workout perfectly fine, though, just a little more tired than usual. I trudged home and showered, and then Sam and I had leftover spinach-mushroom burritos and salad for lunch. The weather still sucked and we didn’t have any plans, so we watched some more Netflix but eventually split up to do our own things. I wanted to read more of Dr. G’s How Not to Die book. It was a huge book, after all, and the clock was ticking on my library loan. I settled in but was having some trouble focusing. I just felt tired. Again I had the thought that maybe this diet wasn’t actually for me. That I wasn’t getting enough or x or y since making this switch a few days ago. I stood up and eyed our pantry shelves. I grabbed a handful of sunflower seeds and ate them, but that didn’t feel quite satisfying (go figure). I noticed the giant container of unsalted roasted almonds I’d bought the day before and decided to take the plunge and open them up. I’m used to eating nuts from those giant mixed nuts containers you get at the grocery store, the ones where even the “33% LESS sodium!!!” version is still salty as hell. So I wasn’t sure what to expect exactly when I tried these unsalted almonds, but I was pleasantly surprised to realize that I actually like the taste of almonds when it’s not completely masked by salt. I grabbed a handful and then went to the fridge and got a handful of blueberries. They tasted amazing together. I happily settled back into my chair and felt myself perking up like a wilted plant that had been watered. By the time Sam came upstairs maybe half an hour later, the clouds had lifted outside and in my brain. We went for a walk. I suddenly felt more energetic than I’d felt all day. Maybe it had just been the dreary weather bringing me down. 

We returned home and decided that for the first time, we would try the Monster expansion pack of our beloved Harry Potter tabletop game. It took a long time just to set it up and try to figure out all of the new rules. We then decided to get dinner prepped because it would need some simmering time on the stove: it was gumbo night, y’all! I was excited because I love the flavor profile of Cajun/Creole cuisine. It was pretty easy to prep. Some chopped onion, bell pepper, celery, and garlic went into our Dutch oven with one cup of the homemade veggie broth I’d made the other day. I quickly thawed out the frozen okra in a separate small saucepot and eventually that went into the Dutch oven too with some diced tomatoes (BPA-free, thank you very much~), diced zucchini, and lots of delicious seasoning. We then added quite a bit of broth - everything that was left of the batch I’d made. It was a really nice, thick broth since I had pulverized all of the veggies the water had steeped in. We brought everything to a boil, threw in a can of red kidney beans (not BPA-free, alas), and simmered the gumbo for about half an hour. When it was done, we served it over brown rice, per Dr. G’s suggestion. 

Here’s a little pot action before we added in all of the broth and the beans:

And here’s the finished product:

The verdict?? SO GOOD! I loved it and actually got seconds. Sam liked it too; I don’t think he loved it quite as much as I did but then I’ve always been a bigger lover of Cajun food. Dr. G. claims his recipe makes four 1.25 cup servings, but it honestly made WAY more than that for us. I feel like his math was off... like, he accounted for the 6 cups of broth but not the fact that there were a ton of veggies and beans added in to the pot as well?? Not to mention the brown rice. But I’m not complaining, because I love the way it turned out, and it’ll be lunch for the next couple of days now. Oh, and I did salt the veggies a little bit when they were first steaming in the Dutch oven, and our Cajun-free seasoning was definitely NOT salt-free (salt is actually the first ingredient, lawl ¯\_(ツ)_/¯), so I’m sure that helped a bit. 

I think that’s really all there is to report! Other than the fact that we went back to our Harry Potter game after dinner and failed miserably. The creatures/villains completely murdered us on round 1. Oh well. Another day maybe... 

Cheers to what I think might be my shortest blog post yet. See you tomorrow! 

Gadget rec of the day: an electric griddle! We use it almost every weekend. Definitely had to wipe a trace coating of bacon grease from it today though... It’s a lifesaver for us especially since we have such a lousy stove. 

Music rec of the day: (Nothing But) Flowers by the Talking Heads

[jos-corner-of-the-world]

Control (6)

Part 1 -- Part 2 -- Part 3 -- Part 4 -- Part 5

Wonwoo was right.  You two weren’t together because there wasn’t love.

You two weren’t together because of the schedules and school work.  While in a relationship you and Mingyu wanted to be together every moment, to always be in contact.  It was a very serious and intense love.  Your friendship remained strong even at times when you weren’t dating.  You were both good at turning off the need for physical contact and just being friends. But neither of you had ever dated anyone else either, knowing you’d probably end up together in the end.

Mingyu recovered quickly from him despair and stood up, pacing around the hallway with Seungcheol.  It was 45 minutes later when he saw Wonwoo walking towards him.

“Mom stayed in there, but you can head in” He said to Mingyu.

Wonwoo’s eyes were red and face was blothcy from crying. He still hadn’t slept or ate and he was barely on his feet.

“You head in, I’m going to take Wonwoo back to waiting room” Seungcheol said.

Mingyu watched as Seugncheol put a supportive arm around Wonwoo’s waist and helped hold up the tired boy as they walked towards the waiting room.

Mingyu walked quickly to your room, only to stop with his hand on the door.

I don’t know that I can do this he thought to himself.

Your mom must have seen him in the window because she opened the door a moment later.

“It’s okay, honey. Come on in.” your mom said.  Mingyu could tell your mom was having a hard time dealing with it, but she wanted to be strong for all the kids.

Mingyu let himself be guided in by your mom, unable to make his feet move on his own.

As he took in your prone form in the bed, an outsider would never guess that Mingyu stood over six feet tall.  He looked so young, so small, and so vulnerable.

Tears sprung to his eyes as he walked closer to your bed.

“I’m sorry ma��am” He said to your mother, not taking his eyes off of you.

“Whatever for honey?” she asked him curiously.

“For not being there.” Mingyu said quietly.

“Mingyu.” Your mom said, drawing his attention to her.

“Don’t do not do this to yourself. I know how much you love my daughter. and you, nor any of the guys could have stopped this.  It happened where she felt safe.  She’s walked that same route countless times before and was fine. This is not on you, but on someone else and you can’t take that blame honey, it’s not fair to you, and it’s not fair to Y/n either.”

Mingyu nodded at your mom wordlessly before walking directly next to your bed.

He took a deep breath and grabbed your hand.

“I’m just so glad you’re okay. I’m never going to let anything bad happen to you again.”

He bent his body in half, putting his head down on your hand and cried.

Mingyu stayed for just a few more minutes before he needed to get out of the room before he completely lost it.

He stopped in the waiting room for just a moment to tell them he was done in your room, before fleeing the hospital.

He heard some of the guys yelling from behind him, but he continued on, running until his lungs burned and his feet wouldn’t carry him anymore.  He looked around at his surroundings, realizing he’d gone about two miles before he realized it.  He then realized that he had left without his coat or gloves, having just left your hospital room.

He found a convenient store close by and made his way inside.  He pulled out his phone and realized it was dead, so he wouldn’t be calling the guys and telling them where he was.

He sat at the store feeling all of his emotions overcoming him, making it hard to breathe.  There were so many thoughts that went through his head.  He was scared, he was angry, he even felt a small amount of happiness. The happiness having stemmed from finally realizing and acknowledging his unending love for you. He knew this wasn’t the best time ever to realize this, and he wouldn’t act on it for a long time, but having finally admitting it to himself felt good.

He sat swimming in his thoughts for a while before making his way back to the hospital.  He walked slowly for the half quarter mile, but your face kept popping into his mind, making him go faster.

By the time he walked back through the hospital doors, he had been gone around an hour.

He walked back into the waiting room and was met with some frantic eyes, and some that were angry.

“Where the hell did you go?!” Jeonghan asked him.

“I just..I needed to get away for a minute. It was all too much. It still is.” he admitted, casting his gaze towards the floor.

“Yeah, well she woke up half an hour ago and asked for you, and you were no where to be found!” Jeonghan yelled at him.

“What?” he asked, thinking he heard wrong.  He started walking out towards her room, but was met in the hallway by Wonwoo.

“Don’t go in yet.  They’re getting ready to move her into a new room since she’s awake. Once she’s in that room, you can go see her.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I just...I couldn’t take it; seeing her like that. I panicked and I ran.” Mingyu admitted.

“I understand.  She asked for you, but I told her you stepped out real quick.  She understands too.” Wonwoo said, walking back to the waiting room with Mingyu.

“Did she say anything? How is she doing?”

“She didn’t say much.  Her and mom cried together for a few minutes and she kept apologizing to mom, still not sure why.  And she’s really fidgety. Everytime the door opened or she heard an unexpected noise, she’d almost jump out of her skin.”

She must be so terrified, and so confused Mingyu thought to himself.

Part 7

[delightfully-difficult-pirate]

Assassin’s Creed: Misthaven (12/18)

         Summary: For hundreds of years, the Brotherhood of Assassins and the Templar Order have waged war.  For Princess Emma of Misthaven, that war has become personal.  After a mission gone wrong, the Templar Grandmaster, placed a curse on Emma’s son that is slowly killing him.  Emma will stop at nothing to save Henry, even if it means going rogue from the Brotherhood and consorting with pirates.

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Sex, Adult Language.

AN: A special @preciouscucumber for being an ever patient and diligent beta. To @cocohook38 and @utopiozphere for the awesome artwork they have created.  Last, but not least, this fic wouldn’t exist without the encouragement from @icecubelotr44 every step of the way. This chapter is for her!

AO3 

Tumblr 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18

Art by @cocohook38  (SPOILER!!!)

          Killian told Emma that the journey north to Misthaven would likely take between four to five weeks, depending on the severity of the storms they encountered. Much to Emma’s chagrin, they suffered almost two storms a week. Some small, but others made Emma fear for the lives of all on board. The Jolly Roger was just passing the port of Alexandria five weeks after leaving Camelot. 

           But besides the storms and the increasingly bland food, the weeks at sea were almost pleasant. Having become more familiar with the ship and the crew during the trip south, Emma spent almost all of her time on deck. She busied herself with any task she could find, even those that took her aloft into the rigging of the sails. 

             When Emma wasn’t learning the how to sail, she took her turn standing guard over Rumpelstiltskin. Starkey had deemed it prudent to keep the sorcerer under guard at all times. He may be chained and without magic but Logan’s death had proved that he was far from harmless. 

          Everyone, save Killian, spent time in the brig watching over him. Unsurprisingly, those were the times Emma enjoyed the least. Rumpelstiltskin needled her for information almost incessantly, and when she refused to give him any, he told her in great detail what he planned to do once he was free of his bonds.

          It was after enduring the evil goblin’s taunts that Emma found herself most thankful for Killian and his caring nature. No matter how upset, downhearted, or all-out infuriated she was after a few hours of being verbally assaulted by her prisoner, Killian always knew how to help afterwards. He’d be there with a cup of rum-spiked tea to sooth her nerves or an offer to spar so she could work out her frustrations on something productive. Or, he’d just hold her as she cried, his hand rubbing soothing circles on her back, just as he had after she’d killed Jenny.

          Killian was a man unlike any other, Emma had decided. He wasn’t perfect, of course: he had a bit of a temper and an infuriating tendency to hold himself responsible for anything that went wrong. However, where so many men in her past had been intimidated by her brusque nature, Killian seemed almost drawn to it. He’d never once suggested that her behavior was inappropriate for a woman or something to be ashamed of. Instead, he helped her calm her own doubts about the path she was on when she’d begun to waver.

          After their first night together once back aboard The Jolly Roger, Emma had been loath to return to the solitude of her own cabin. It seemed so stark and lifeless compared to the cluttered confines of the Captain’s cabin. So when night fell their second day after leaving Hedge’s Run, she’d gone to Killian’s cabin instead, even though she knew he’d be at the helm for a few more hours. She awoke the next morning to Killian curled against her back and no comments about her choice of sleeping quarters. 

          Killian was a remarkable man.

          And Emma…

          Emma was lying to him.

          Almost every morning, knowing they drew closer to Misthaven, Emma woke tangled in a mad whirlpool of emotions. Despite how open and honest Killian had been with her for the past weeks, Emma was still hiding one very important piece of information from him; that she wasn’t just from Misthaven, as she had implied, but was in fact the realm’s Princess and Heir Apparent. 

          He’d shared so much with her. He was open about himself, his history, and had even storied of Milah, so that she might relay to Henry tales of his fearsome and strong-willed grandmother. While she had told stories of her own, they were always carefully edited to hide any information about her special heritage. Emma was hiding her true self from him, and every morning when she woke, it was to the face of a man who had done and shared so much with her.

          After they passed the Port of Alexandria, Emma knew that she was running out of time to tell Killian her identity before she risked him finding out in another way. It would only take them two more days to arrive in Misthaven, where they would make port at the small coastal town of Blanchard. The town was only a few hours away by horseback from the lake where the Royal Castle was located, and it was quite likely she would be recognized. 

          Emma could only imagine how infuriated Killian would be to discover that his patron (and the woman he had been bedding) was the local Princess, simply because some careless dockhand referred to her as “Your Highness.” After all, if the situation were reversed, she would probably be wild with rage. With that in mind, Emma gave herself until the end of the day after they passed Alexandria to tell Killian the truth about her identity.

          That evening, she waited for Killian in his cabin. She had two plates of the evening’s dinner and a bottle of fine rum which she’d won off Tristan in a game of cards a couple of nights before. They both normally ate with the crew, but Emma wanted privacy for this conversation--something, she had learned, that was hard to come by on a ship. 

          “What’s this, love?” Killian asked, frowning as he descended the ladder that connected his cabin to the quarterdeck. 

          Emma opened her mouth to reply, but stopped, unable to find the right words. Everything she could think to say would immediately put him on his guard, which she didn’t want to do. 

          “I thought we could eat alone,” Emma eventually stuttered out. Killian raised a brow and tilted his head just a bit: he plainly didn’t believe her. Still, he was ever a gentleman and helped her into her own seat before taking the one across the table.

          “What has Tristan prepared for us this evening?” Killian asked as he lifted the second plate Emma had placed over the dishes in an attempt to keep them moderately warm. 

          “The last of the shark that Javier speared a couple of days ago, I believe,” Emma answered. She hadn’t known when she’d come aboard that sailors often supplemented their rations by fishing and hunting while at sea. She’d been unprepared the first time the crew had brought up a net full of fish during their voyage south and absolutely shocked when they’d caught a shark a few days later. Now, she was beyond thankful for the fresh meat, different as it was.

          Killian took a bite of the shark fillet and grimaced. “It’s a good thing we’ll be making port soon, because even Tristan’s talents are being stretched thin,” he commented wryly.

          Emma almost choked on her own bite at his offhand comment. “It’s a pity Misthaven doesn’t have many ports,” Killian continued before Emma had her nerves under control. “I’ve heard wonderful tales of the realm but rarely visit it. Is it true there is a lake that can cure all ills?”

          Emma blinked, taken off guard. “Yes, Lake Nostos,” she said, before quickly correcting herself. “The lake is gone now, though. The siren that guarded it was killed, and it dried up.”

          “A pity. I would have loved to see it,” Killian said with a frown.

          “That lake is actually the reason I exist,” Emma said casually, toying with her fork. Killian’s eyebrows rose in shock and Emma couldn’t prevent herself from laughing at his expression.

          “Years ago, my mother was tricked into drinking a curse that prevented her from having children,” she explained. “Not long after, my grandmother, my father’s mother, was poisoned. My father went to Lake Nostos so he could save her, but found it dried up. All that remained was a small amount of water in a seashell.” 

          Emma paused for a sip of water. Killian’s eyes were wide, which was the same look that Henry always had when her parent’s told him stories of their adventures. 

           Thirst quenched, Emma continued, “Ruth, my grandmother, knew of my mother’s curse. She tricked her son into thinking she’d drank the water, but when she failed to heal, said it must not have been enough. She stated that before she died, she wanted to see her son happily married to his true love, my mother. So there, on the shores of the lake, a family friend who was a knight performed the marriage between my parents. At my grandmother’s insistence, the knight poured the water from the lake into the marriage chalice. Thus, the curse on my mother was lifted and I was born around a year later.”

          Killian gawked at her. “Your parents have led very interesting lives it seems,” he remarked. 

          Emma chuckled. Then she took a deep breath, steeling herself. “That’s one of the tamer tales, I assure you. But speaking of my parents, there is something…”

          She jumped as a loud and furious boom resounded through the cabin. Killian immediately jumped from his chair and hastened above deck. Emma followed, cursing under her breath.

          “Theo, what in the seven hells was that?” Killian demanded of his navigator.          

          “Cannon fire, sir. We only just spotted the sail,” Theo answered as he yielded the helm to his Captain.

          “Hands to stations!” Emma heard Starkey yelling as she watched the crew scramble from below, their dinners abandoned.

          “Javier, what colors are they flying?”

          The crewman hastened to the portside and pulled out his spyglass to assess the ship that had attacked them. His fingers were shaking when he lowered it and looked to his captain.

          “Crimson, sir,” he answered, eyes round. “Just crimson.”

---

          Killian swore. Crimson meant the ship was likely a fellow pirate and that they intended to give no quarter.

          “Starkey, do you recognize the ship? I can think of only a few Captains who’d be out this late in the season,” he called, trying to remember who among the brethren had cause to want him dead. Mercifully, it was short list, since most didn’t know of his Templar past. He’d gone by the name Hook to all but a select few since returning from Neverland a few years ago. 

          Killian watched as Starkey climbed to the crow’s nest with bated breath. When his quartermaster descended and approached with a dark look across his face, Killian knew he wouldn’t like the news.

          “It’s the Queen Anne’s Revenge, sir.”

          Blackbeard.

          Of all the pirates that sailed the seas, Edward Teach was one of the worst. While most pirates preferred to simply disable a ship before pillaging, Blackbeard would shower his targets with heavy cannon fire until they were barely able to stay afloat. Afterwards, he would descend with his crew of cutthroats, who would murder almost everyone aboard. Only a few would be left alive, to tell the tale of the terrifying Captain Blackbeard if they ever made it back to shore. 

          His ship, the Queen Anne’s Revenge, was a beast of a ship. She was a frigate that Blackbeard had captured from Vand over a decade ago. Over the years, he’d outfitted her with iron plate to better protect her hull and had a large ram installed on her bow. Last Killian had heard, she carried at least forty guns. 

          Forty, to The Jolly Roger’s fourteen. 

          “Starkey, get a long boat prepped. Javier, fetch the crocodile,” Killian instructed, and turned to Emma, who had been hovering at his shoulder. “Love, grab whatever you need from your cabin.”

          “What?” Emma stared at him.

          Killian gestured for Theo to take the helm again. “The ship that has attacked is the Queen Anne’s Revenge. Her Captain is a ruthless, bastard of a man,” he explained, ushering Emma toward the gangplank. “He’s also a Templar, though few know it.”       

          Emma froze, her cheeks going pale.  “If he’s here, that means the Order knows you have Rumpelstiltskin and they’ve sent him to stop you,” Killian continued. “My ship’s a marvel, but she can’t outfight the Queen Anne’s Revenge. She’s already too close for us to out run. So you need to get off this ship.” 

          Killian grabbed Emma by the elbow and pulled her below decks. “I’ll send Starkey and Javier with you. There is an island a few miles east of here that you should be able to make it to before nightfall.”

          “Killian, I can’t just leave,” Emma protested.

          “You can and you will, love. Blackbeard means to destroy this ship and everyone on it. If I trusted that crocodile, I’d say use him and his black magic to get yourself home. But I don’t. He will betray you, somehow. So please, only do that as a last resort.”

          Killian guided Emma into his cabin and started to grab what possessions of hers that had made their way to his cabin from hers. Emma grabbed his arm, stopping him.

          “Killian, I’m not leaving,” she said quietly. But her voice began to rise as she continued, until she was shouting. “I’m not just going to abandon you. I’m the reason he is after this ship and I can’t just run away and let you pay the price for my actions!”

          “You don’t have a choice!” Killian said tightly. “If you stay, you will die right along with the rest of us. And while I draw breath, I will not let that happen.” 

          Emma’s eyes filled with tears and Killian pulled her into his arms.  “I love you, Emma,” he whispered against her hair. “And if I am fated to die this day, I at least want to do it knowing I’ve done everything I could to ensure your survival.

---

          I love you.

          That was all Emma heard after Killian crushed her against his chest.

          I love you.

          Three small, simple words. Yet they held so much meaning.

          The Jolly Roger rocked violently and Emma could hear the boom of the cannons on the deck above. But for a moment, all she cared about was the man who held her in his arms. A man who loved her. Who, at the moment, was resolved to face death so that she might live.

          I love you.

          The words stuck in Emma’s throat as she unburied herself from Killian’s chest. So instead, she grabbed his hair, pulled his head down to hers, and gave him a kiss that she hoped conveyed the words she was unable to say.

          I love you, Killian Jones.

          When she pulled back, she saw that he, too, had tears in his eyes. “You need to go, Emma,” Killian said hoarsely. 

          Emma could only nod. With the bag that contained the preserved flowers for Henry and a few other items thrown over her shoulder, she followed Killian back above deck.

          The Queen Anne’s Revenge had drawn closer in the few minutes they had been below. She was a beautiful ship, with three tall masts filled with billowing sails. Beautiful, and deadly. 

          There was another loud boom as the crew fired on the advancing ship. She couldn’t tell if any had made contact, but if so, they did nothing to stop its approach. A minute later, the Revenge returned fire, and Emma flinched as she heard the cannon balls tear into The Jolly Roger’s hull. She’d grown to love this ship and her Captain, and the thought of it at the bottom of the sea made her cry even harder. 

          The longboat was nearly ready. Starkey and Javier had it on the starboard side of the ship, so their departure would be hidden by the bulk of The Jolly Roger. Emma knew that if they wanted to survive, they would need to row hard and fast to be out of the Revenge’s sight by the time she was finished with The Jolly Roger.

          Just as Emma was contemplating the seemingly impossible task ahead, another boom sounded from the other ship. “Mortar fire!” someone screamed, and suddenly Killian’s body crashed into hers. 

          Death rained from the sky.

          Emma watched in horror as multiple steel balls ripped through the wooden deck of The Jolly Roger. She heard screaming to her right. When she turned her head, she saw Javier lying upon the deck, one of his legs suddenly ending mid-thigh. 

          Killian let her up and Emma rushed to Javier’s side. She ripped off the arm of her shirt and quickly tied it around the stump of his leg. She grabbed a sturdy bit of wood debris and used it to tighten the tourniquet. It was of no use. The damage was too severe for a simple tourniquet. The artery high on the inner thigh had been severed and all Emma could do was hold Javier’s hand while he bled to death.

          Once he was gone, Emma stood up and searched for Killian. She found him kneeling next to Starkey’s body.

          The quartermaster had was still alive, but barely. There was a large fragment of wood embedded in his chest and bloody froth was already forming on his lips. Emma dropped to his side and grabbed the hand Killian wasn’t already holding.

          “Starkey, I am so, so sorry,” Emma muttered as she placed a kiss the older man’s knuckles.

          With surprising strength, Starkey grabbed the neck of her top and pulled her close to his head. “Take care of him, Princess,” he whispered in her ear.

          Startled, Emma pulled back. How had he known?

          But she would never find out. With one last bout of strength, Starkey reached up and laid his hand on Killian’s cheek. “You’re a good man, Killian Jones,” he said to his Captain. “Your brother would be proud.”

---

          The longboat had been destroyed. One of the projectiles from the mortar had torn a hole right through its hull.

          “Emma, how many petals do you have left?” Killian asked, and reached for her necklace with shaking fingers.

          There were five. Emma shook her head before he could even ask if that was enough. “Transportation defies the laws of nature. Technically all magic does, but transportation more than most. I haven’t dared risk it since binding Henry to my magic,” she explained.

          Killian glanced about, searching for Rumpelstiltskin. He found the sorcerer casually leaning against the rail, an amused look on his face.

          “Crocodile, can you get yourself and Swan to Misthaven?” Killian demanded.

          “Not like this, dearie,” Rumpelstiltskin replied, holding up the chains that bound his hands and magic.

          Killian was pulling the key that would unlock the chains from his pocket when he was suddenly thrown backwards. His body hit hard against one of the cannons. His side flared in pain when he tried to stand. In pain and dazed from his fall, he wondered what the loud cracks sounding across the deck could be. He looked up, and saw in horror that the mainmast had begun to topple toward the deck. 

          Theo yelled, “Captain! The mast!” 

          Panic surged through his veins as he realized the mainmast of his ship was bearing directly down on him. Ropes strained and broke. The sails tore. Nothing could stop its descent. 

          “NO!” Killian heard Emma scream as he tried to scramble out of the way, his hook scrabbling uselessly against the deck. 

          It was no use: the mast was falling too fast. “NO!” Emma screamed again.

          Suddenly, there was a bright flash and the mast froze where it was. Killian looked toward Emma. She stood on the quarterdeck with her arms outstretched, beautiful white magic flowing from her hands. The men around her were gaping, frozen at the sight.

          Killian forced himself to move despite the pain in his ribs, limping toward her. Emma didn’t simply let the mast fall. He stared in awe as the mast slowly rose back to its original height. When the broken ends were in alignment, the wood began to twist, and slowly, the mast repaired itself. 

          Turning back to Emma, Killian watched as she moved to the port side of the ship, all her attention focused razor-sharp on the Queen Anne’s Revenge. Blackbeard’s ship was still coming at them. 

          Emma raised her arms again: but this time, the magic that flowed out of her hands was not the soft white he had seen before. This magic cracked with energy and raised the hairs on his arms. 

          It shot like a bolt of lightning toward the Queen Anne’s Revenge, where it tore through the hull of the armored ship. Everywhere it touched, the wood ignited. Soon, the entire ship was engulfed in flames. 

          When the fire reached the powder magazine, the resulting explosion blew a large hole in the side of the hull. After that, the ship began to fill with water and within minutes, the once great Queen Anne’s Revenge was on her way to Davy Jones’s locker, along with her Captain and all hands that had been aboard.

---

          When only a foaming patch of flotsam and wild sea remained to give evidence of the once-great ship, Killian turned his head back to where he had last seen Emma. His heart jumped in his chest when he saw that she no longer stood on the quarterdeck, but lay upon it. 

          Killian wrapped his arm around his ribs and hauled himself up the stairs to the quarterdeck. He collapsed at Emma’s side and checked to see if she was still breathing. Feeling a tiny quaff of air against his hand, he sighed in relief. He carefully inspected her for any wounds. 

          When his hand skimmed across her sides, Emma’s arm snapped out. Her hand smacked into Killian’s chest; he cursed, wincing. 

          But there was a light tug on his collar. Emma’s eyes were open but unfocused and she was muttering something, her fingers locked onto his coat. Killian leaned closer to try to hear what she was saying. ”Blockade,” she breathed. “Around… Mist… haven.”

          Shit.

          If there was a blockade around Misthaven, it could only be the Templars trying to prevent Emma from making it back with Rumpelstiltskin. It seemed extreme for the Templar’s naval contacts to be mobilized just to prevent a woman from breaking the curse on her son, but Regina had never been entirely rational when it came to her revenge. 

             Sucking in a breath and trying to ignore his injured ribs, Killian gathered Emma into his arms. He carried her down into his cabin and laid her on his bed, tucking the covers tenderly around her. He would send Victor to take a look at her as soon as the surgeon was done treating the injured members of the crew. 

          Six men, including Javier and Starkey, had been killed in the Queen Anne’s Revenge’s attack. Two others were severely injured and Victor wasn’t sure they would survive the night. One man had lost an arm, and another a leg. Killian thanked the gods that he had any crewmen left after what they had all just endured. 

          Killian found Starkey’s body amongst the chaos of the deck and kneeled next to his stalwart quartermaster. Smee joined him and together, the two of them wrapped Starkey in the canvas of a hammock in preparation for burial.

          “I’ll see you on the other side, my friend,” Killian said as he watched Starkey and the five other men who had perished tipped over the side of The Jolly Roger. 

          Afterwards, he located Victor. “I’d like you to take a look at Swan as soon as you are able,” he commanded the surgeon. 

             Victor nodded and followed him to the Captain’s cabin. Killian paced while Victor poked and prodded at Emma. After a bit, he pronounced Emma physically fine. 

          “I imagine she is simply exhausted. That was quite a feat of magic we witnessed,” Victor informed him. “If she doesn’t wake, you’ll probably want to consult with your prisoner. He’ll be your best bet if this is something magic-related.”

          Killian delicately lowered himself into his chair. Talking to Rumpelstiltskin, who had been returned to the brig, was last on the list of things he wanted to do.

          “Let me take a look at your ribs, Captain,” Victor said with a nod at his midsection.

          With a reluctant sigh, Killian carefully shrugged off his jacket and Victor helped him remove his vest and shirt. The left side of his chest had begun to turn pink, blue, and purple. The surgeon carefully poked at each rib. Killian tried not to flinch, but failed. 

          “Only one rib seems to be broken. It’ll take a while to heal, but you should be fine. Try to take a deep breathe every hour or so, even if it hurts,” Victor instructed him. 

          Killian raised his brows. “You’re not going to bind them?”

          Victor snorted and pushed his glasses higher onto his nose. “A foolish practice. That’ll only increase the risk of pneumonia or your lung collapsing.”

          Normally Killian would have been fascinated to learn a new fact about the human body. But he just nodded, too tired to care.

          He stood slowly and grabbed all the charts he had of the area around Misthaven, then unrolled them across his desk. The country only had three decent ports, and the one they had intended to use, Blanchard, was the largest of them. The other two were small, but Killian didn’t certainly think that the Templars would leave them unprotected just because of their size. 

          “We need to go to Arandelle.”

          Emma’s voice, little more than a whisper, caused Killian to jump. He hastened to her side. 

          “Arandelle?” he said helplessly. “Love, they’ll have all of us dancing a gallows’ jig as soon as we make port.”

          But Emma shook her head. “Elsa is a friend,” she murmured.

          Killian blinked, not sure that he heard her correctly. She’d just named the reigning monarch of the country as ‘Elsa,’ as if they were old friends. “You’re friends with the Queen of Arandelle?” he asked in disbelief. 

          Emma nodded and her eyes fluttered shut. He called her name softly, but she didn’t answer. She was asleep again, and Killian would be getting no more of an explanation.

          He sighed again. Arandelle. The crew was going to love that. 

          Killian went in search of Theo to inform him of their new destination. Arandelle was one of the last places a pirate wanted to go. Killian hadn’t been jesting when he told Emma that they’d all be dead if they went there. The northern kingdom had no tolerance for pirates. Their trials were swift and their punishments even quicker.

          The navigator’s eyes went wide. “Captain, have you lost your wits?” Theo asked, aghast. 

          “It’s not my first choice either,” Killian explained, resigned. “But I have reason to believe that if we continue toward Misthaven, we will be met with more resistance.” He gestured to the chaos that surrounded them. “And we won’t survive another battle, lad.”

          Theo glanced about. Emma may have repaired the mast with her magic, but there was plenty of other damage that remained. Numerous sails were already in the process of being repaired or replaced by the crew, but they’d lost two cannons, their only longboat, and his recently-repaired ship would need another visit to a master shipwright. 

          “Arandelle it is,” Theo said with a sigh. “May the gods have mercy on our souls.”

Chapter 13

AN: MS Word is still being a bastard, so please let me know if there are any formatting issues with this chapter.  

[sharkinlovewithadolphin]

Update

Hey lovelies.  Okay so it’s been over a month since my surgery, and I’m finally here with an update. Hold on tight ‘cause it’s going to get long.    I actually wanted to do some regular updates, but I just really didn’t have the energy or mood to do it.  I’ve also left out a lot, mostly because due to me repressing this entire thing, I can’t really put things together very easily (time, dates, details, etc). And because I’ve spend the last month watching and rewatching one show and movie after the other, my mind has chosen to focus on television rather than what’s been going on. Basically this entire experience is almost forgotten, even as it’s still happening. I’ll be updating this post regularly as time passes, so new info and more details will come, along with possible pictures etc. However I probably won’t be reblogging it more than once or twice (for my timezone struggling mutuals), unless I’ll decide to make phone updates, then I’ll be reblogging this post with the update, but I probably won’t, so I won’t be annoying anyone, so if you want to stay tuned about this, this post will be stored in my #updates tag. I’ll be writing down here whenever I update, so it’ll be easier to check for those interested.  Posted: 26/10 Update: 27/10

Monday 25th september I was as most of you may know, going under the knife again, this time for a jaw surgery. The day of the surgery wasn’t fun to say the least, it was early in the morning so there wasn’t many people awake and aware of my situation to send me off, but I did get some messages, and that was really nice. As I think I’ve mentioned in a previous update post, I got sick literally the day before the surgery, and that I figured that that would make them post-pone the surgery, ‘cause that’s like basic medical knowledge? Doctors very rarely choose to operate on a patient However my mom didn’t care and the nurses didn’t seem to either. Turns out they should’ve, and that in fact, I was right; I shouldn’t have had the surgery when having a flu, ‘cause not only does it make things worse, it can fuck up a lot.  Anyway, I got in at around 9am, luckily earlier than expected. I was being put to sleep through needle instead of mask which I am very grateful for, much less triggering. I was allowed to bring my phone in, so I fell asleep to the sound of music (fun fact: the OR had surprisingly good connection? not that I used it). The surgery took an hour longer than expected (so instead of 3, it turned out to be 4), the reason for that I either don’t know or can’t remember. It should’ve gone okay as far as I was told. I slept five hours afterwards, unlike the other times were I was forced to stay awake due to the blood and open wounds.  My mom told me later on that she had wanted to take a photo of me after the surgery, since I looked “so nice” compared to the previous surgeries. I didn’t have all that blood everywhere as I’ve usually had, and despite the swelling it didn’t look bad according to her. The red/blue/green/yellow/purple colors in my face hadn’t come through much then either.  I was brought to my room again late evening.  The second day was hell. Just everything. But I was out and walking at night. And I ate a little. But everything was just bad. The third day was when the swelling was at it’s maximum. Things weren’t much different from the day before, except I got more used to being in a hospital.  Thursday, the forth day, I had to walk down to the clinic (clinic at the hospital), in hospital gown and those blood-cloth-socks, which was all just.. yeah I didn’t like that. I had to walk through the cafeteria area and the hall and I couldn’t walk more than one slow step after the other and even without anxiety it was just.. very uncomfortable in every way possible. At the clinic itself, it was awful. They had to sluice(?) my mouth, it was so aggressively done I literally felt like I was being drowned. And also, hardcore stream of water directly against your newly stitched-together wounds is not a pleasant feeling in case anyone should wonder. My mom, who’d been staying with me at the hospital, insisted on going home that day. I personally didn’t want to. And the doctors didn’t recommend it either, due to the state of swelling I was in; the ear-nose-and-neck doctor was especially against it, fearing the swelling would increase around my throat. But home we went. Regrets arriving pretty quickly after. Not only was the walk from my room, down the elevator and out to the car, very uncomfortable, the wind made me feel sick af.  Doing the night, I started throwing up. And keep in mind, doing those first days I ate what all together would’ve made less than one regular one-person diner meal. So I didn’t really have anything in my stomach that could come up you know? So my stomach started cramping, trying to find something to get out. Mouth water, mucous and blood came up with stomach acid, causing my throat to hurt for days after (and when I say  hurt, I don’t mean the flu-hurt kind, I mean it felt like my throat had been turned inside-out, then polished with sandpaper, then run over and then put back in). And it just wouldn’t stop. My mom called the emergency doctor who came and gave me a shot of antiemetic. I feel asleep shortly after, for 3 hours until it was time for pills.  As for medicine and pills, I was prescripted to take daily: 8 pinemol (500mg) and 6 ibumetin (400mg). Then one laxative and 4 antiemetic.   Later on (around 2 weeks ago) I got a nasty infection around one of the stiches under my upper gums-ish. So then I had to take even more pills. Pencilllin for a week (3 times daily, to a meal), along with a stronger dosis of antiemetic (Ondansetron Aurobindo, 4mg, 2-3 times daily) pills (originally they wanted to give me a type of pill used for cancer patients treated with radiation, but since I can’t stand bad tastes, they decided on those instead. They taste like pineapple lol) and some lactic acid pills (once a day).  With the infection came a massive step-back for me. I woke up daily with gross taste and this grumsy looking stuff in my mouth, for a long time, way before I found out why. Then one night, as I was cleaning my mouth, I must have poked an even bigger hole in it, ‘cause then it just started coming out faster and more of it. I woke up at 2am that night with a massive swelling in my left cheek, and when I was woken up at around 7:40, my cheek had grown so big I could barely see out of my eyes, again. The swelling from surgery had gone down a lot, however there had been a slight difference between each sides; my left cheek have been bigger and way more sore than my right, already early on, so the infection has been there for a long time. We got an appointment at the hospital clinic and he could quickly determent that it was indeed an infection. I took my first pencillin pill the same day.  However. That night I started throwing up again and my mom ended up calling the emergency doctor again (fun story; the doctor who picked up actually previously worked for the clinic I go to, he’s even assisted to the type of surgery I had). He told my mom I threw up due to the pencillin (and that it was perfectly normal), hence me being prescripted stronger antiemetics. The next day when my mom called my doctor to get the prescription, it turns out the dosis of pain meds I’ve been given is way too much. Damaging much in fact. So my three weeks use of that can possibly have effected my liver. So that’s nice. Maximum is 8 pinemol and 3 ibumetin a day. That’s 3 x 400mg ibumetin too much daily for three weeks. That is not good. Now I take them based on need, which turns out to not be much. I take 2 pinemol in the morning, 2 at night, and then throughout the day it kinda variates. I often take 2 in the afternoon/evening due to my teeth being too sore. And that’s it. So the massive amount of painkillers was probably never even necessary.  I got the shine off tuesday, making me now able to chew in soft-only things. My first meal was fries (I literally just got out of the clinic when I asked my mom if we could go get fries onn the way home lol). I got homemade pizza for dinner. And I finally ate ice cream without having to melt it into liquid and then drink it. It’s nice eating instead of drinking. it’s nice getting to eat instead of drink my food, really.   The infection is now gone, and I took my last pincillin pill this morning, so that’s nice. However, when I got the shine off, they changed my rubberbands and the position of them, to a place where the hooks are so small and almost invisible, so when I put them on I’m scratching hole into my gums. I’m going into the clinic again tomorrow to have it checked, and hopefully fixed.  Anyway it’s late and I should go to sleep, so I’ll post now even though I’m far from done. I might get around to edit it tomorrow though, then also write how things went at the clinic.  I’ll end this by giving a giant thanks to everyone who’s sent me messages, all the encouraging few but important people rooting for me. Especially @hamykia for regularly asking me for updates and how I’ve been doing. It meant so much to me, ‘cause there’s been so many people who seemed to not give a shit or even forget what type of situation I’ve been in and still am in. As I’ve told you before, feeling like you legitimately cared for me has been one of the better things to keep me going through this.  And ofc also Meg for being the only one around every single day. Even when it’s shortly, I can always count on you being around. And also some of my mutuals who’ve reached out to me and given me their wishes and kind words, also those before the surgery. Thank you guys. :) And as an end, I’d like to just thank the nurses at the teeth-mouth and jaw surgical ward. They treated me better than the nurses did at the childrens ward has ever done, which was shocking. They were extraordinarily patient and understanding, and knew exactly what they were dealing with. I was in good hands. Thank you.  Update:  - I got the hook changed and it’s a lot easier now. Left side is still a struggle though and in the right side I've accidentally cut into my gums like once or twice. But the new hooks are adjustable so I guess it’s just a matter of testing and getting used to. - I found out today that they’ve kept from me yet another surgery detail. I won’t get the feeling back in my palate for around a year. And the feeling in my chin and lower lip still isn’t there which they say “is normal”. So that’s really nice. Fuck you doctors. :) (note: because I from the very first mention of the surgery told them very clearly that I did not want to go through with it, they’ve done everything to make it seem like nothing, something simple and struggle-less, keeping details hidden from me, sugar coding things, and so on. I didn’t even know I had to get the shine on until a couple of days prior surgery. I didn’t even know where they would make the cuts. Back when I asked, all they said was it was going to be inside my mouth; as if that wasn’t obvious. And I didn’t know that an effect of the surgery has done so my chin is 1/3 size of what it was pre-surgery. I’m very angry because of this to say the least. I feel like l’ve been unwillingly lead to pure hell all because I a. trusted them and b. they already planned the whole thing and because of my anxiety and personality I can’t let people down when they’ve spend weeks planning something. I should’ve never had this surgery, and the regrets just keeps getting worse and worse with every passing day.) - One of the four screws (which I btw hadn’t been told about either, and found out about days after as I was cleaning my mouth), has grown into my gums. I have a screw under my skin now, a screw I wasn’t even told was going to be there, now has to be cut free if they have to use them. And as a side note, I don’t know how they’re going to get them out after this whole shit show is over with, and they avoided telling me so now I’m stuck with this entire thing without knowing the end of it.   

* PLEASE feel free to ask any questions. You can send me an ask or hit me up with a message. I’ll reply through both, to anything you may have any thoughts on. I might add your question to this post, though unmentioned unless requested. 

[holey-ghost]

Creep Part 4

Author: @surpeme-bean

Summary:y/n and dylan get some *surprising news*

Pairing: Y/n + Dylan

Words: 4,320

Warnings: cursing??  Alcohol, Throwing up, passing out, a hospital

A/N: I really enjoyed writing this part mostly because it’s not creepy, but it’s still dramatic and really cute. I really wanted to take a break from creepy ass shit, but I’m not taking a break from drama and unnecessary twists. If you’re into the creepy shit, don’t worry, because it’ll be DOUBLE (wink wink) the amount in part 5 or 6 (idk i haven’t written it yet but itll be soon), so gET READY. Also, thank you everyone for reading and following this series, it warms my heart. I love you all so so so much even if we don’t know each other. also you might wanna read the character background bc a lot of new people are introduced *whispers* its in my masterlist 

Y/N

Dylan pulled the car into my parents’ driveway. He looked at me with his tired eyes and flashed a weak smile. My parents lived in a decent sized house, the lawn was always neat with a flower bed by the front window. I grabbed my phone and got out of the car. I walked up to the door and I could already hear my mom’s dog barking. I rang the doorbell.

My mom answered the door with a smile. We hugged and her dog, stella ran out to greet Dylan. I turned around to see Dylan holding the small dog in one arm, the old backpack in the other.

“Do you need help carrying stuff in? I’ll go get dad-” she started

“Oh it’s no problem, this all we brought” dylan said with a smile “thanks though”

Dylan handed the dog back to my mom and we entered the house. My nose was overwhelmed with the smell of breakfast.

“Mom, did you make us breakfast?” I asked in awe of my mother’s incredible hospitality

“Well, I thought you’d both be so exhausted and hungry, so yes I made breakfast” she said with pride, turning to me and dylan with pride

“I don’t know about you, but I am starving” dylan looked at me, his eyes weren’t so tired anymore.

“I’m not too hungry, but I’ll eat” I gave in, just wanting to be with my family.

“Alright, I’ll go get dad. You know where the plates are. Don’t forget to take your shoes off!” she went in the basement, presumably where my dad was.

Dylan and I took off our shoes, ready to eat what my mom had made. Dylan grabbed plates from the cabinet as I pulled the warm pancakes from the oven. Bacon, eggs and hashbrowns were on the stove, all of it smelled amazing.

“How hungry are you? We ate like 2 hours ago.” I asked, a laugh escaping my lips as dylan loaded his plate with food

“I am so hungry. I didn’t eat that much and you know how much I love breakfast food” He said with a grin, “Is there juice in the fridge?” his eyes lit up at the thought

“I don’t know, i’ll check” I set my plate on the dining table and went to the fridge. Sure enough, there was juice. “Do you want apple or orange?” I asked from behind the fridge

“Mmmm, I’ll take apple” his voice seemingly lighter

I turned to get a cup, apple juice in hand. I grabbed two cups, realizing that I also wanted some apple juice. I sat down next to him and set the two cups down. We started eating, but I quickly felt sick.

“Hey is everything alright y/n?” dylan said with a look of concern spreading across his face

“Yeah, I just don’t feel good, I think I’m gonna go lay down” I stood up slowly leaving my plate and everything else on the table

“Y/n! Where are you going? The party just getting started” My dad entered the kitchen, his arms opened for a hug

“Dad!” I weakly exclaimed, I really started to not feel good and I just wanted to lay down, but I hugged him anyways “I’m not feeling good, I was gonna go lay down, and a party this early? No thanks”

My dad smiled at me, “Oh, alright, you both should get some rest” he gave me and Dylan a look.

I headed towards the  basement stairs where the guest room was

“I’ll be there is second, y/n” dylan yelled over his breakfast

I mumbled to myself and headed to the basement.

The bedroom door was already open and I could see my mom getting everything ready.

“Hey mom” I weakly said, leaning my body against the door frame.

“Oh, y/n, are you alright?” she stopped fluffing the pillows and looked at me, the same look of concern plastered on her face

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just really tired.” I said, “don’t worry about me mom.”

“Okay, you know how the tv works right? The remote is on the nightstand. If you want more blankets there’s some in the closet” she walked up to me, squeezing my arms, a warm smile on her face. “I hope you feel better” she hugged me and went back upstairs.

I shut the door behind her and removed my pants and left them on the floor. I pulled myself onto the bed, wrapping myself the blankets. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

DYLAN

“Thank you for the breakfast,” I stood up with my plate and y/n’s plate in hand, “And thank you for your wonderful hospitality on such short notice”

“Oh dylan, it’s not a problem. You’re always welcome here.” She was putting away food and smiling, her daughter had chosen such an amazing man to have in her life.

“Do you need help with anything?” I asked, praying she’d say no, I was so tired and I just wanted to sleep.

“I don’t think so, you need to rest anyways. If I need help, I’ll get Steve. Thank you for offering though.”

“Yeah, I’m gonna go to bed” I mumbled, heading downstairs. We had stayed here so many times, I knew where everything was in the house. Y/n’s family was my family, they were always so nice.

“Sleep well!” Y/n’s mom shouted from the kitchen

I didn’t have it in me to respond, all my energy was gone. I walked into the guest room where y/n was sleeping. She was curled up in a ball under a comforter in the middle  just her head poking out. Her mouth slightly open, a small pool of drool collected on the pillow. Her hair was pulled back into a bun, but large chunks of hair managed to free themselves from the elastic prison and she was absolutely beautiful.

I took my clothes off, leaving my boxers and laid next to y/n as my arm found its way around her waist. I felt my breaths fall in sync with hers, and fell asleep.

(several hours later)

Y/N

I woke up to Dylan laying next to me. His hair much more messy than it was before, he let out quiet snores with his face pressed against the pillow. The room had filled with darkness since we’d been asleep but I could still make out his features. He looked calm and peaceful, his eyes rested shut. I smiled at the sight of him before I felt a pounding in my head. I stood up to go use the bathroom and everything faded into one image. I leaned on the wall, trying to prevent myself from throwing up. I managed to stumble my way to the bathroom. I turned the light on and felt my body heave everything in my stomach back up. I collapsed at the toilet and let my body cleanse itself.

I needed to take a shower, but I couldn’t bring myself to get up.

This is it. This is where I die. Dylan’s gonna find my dead body over a toilet and I’m gonna smell disgusting.

I rested my arm on the toilet and my head on my hand. I was sweating profusely and I legitimately felt like I was dying. I kept my eyes closed, fearing that if I opened them that I would throw up again. I didn’t want to move for the same reason.

Why is this happening?

I tried remembering a time I felt this horrible and I couldn’t. It felt like someone was repeatedly bashing my head in and kicking me in the stomach. My entire body ached.

I felt like I was dying.

I tried calling for Dylan, but a whisper barely escaped my lips. I tried lifting my body up with my arms and I quickly fell back down. I felt so weak, I couldn’t even stand up. I couldn’t call for help and no one knew I was here. My hearing was static, everything felt so far away. My vision faded to black.

DYLAN

I woke up to an empty bed. I wondered where y/n went, but I figured she was upstairs with her parents. I got up and put my clothes from earlier back on. I left the room and glanced down the hall.

That’s weird.

The bathroom door was open, the lights were on. I went to turn off the lights but saw y/n laying on floor by the toilet. Her skin was almost translucent, purple and red surrounded her closed eyes.  

“y/n?” I shook her shoulder and her body stayed.

My heart started racing, the only thing I could focus on was my unconscious girlfriend laying in front of me.

I picked her up, and headed upstairs. I was yelling for her parents help. I was so scared.

“Dylan? What’s going on?” Her mom came out of their bedroom, her dad just behind her.

Her eyes widened, seeing y/n’s limp body in my arms “ Steve go start the car, we need to go to the hospital.”

Everything was a blur until we got to the hospital. I walked in, y/n in my arms. The nurse behind the counter saw and turned around, yelling something I couldn’t understand. More nurses entered the room, rolling a bed in front of me. I set her body on the bed. I couldn’t believe what was happening, it felt like my whole world was collapsing. The only thing I could do was hope she was okay. I sat in one of the chairs in the empty waiting room. Her parents waited with me, no one spoke.

(2 or 3 hours pass)

Y/N

I woke up to white. I was in a white hospital gown, in a white bed, in a room with white walls. It took me a second to register where I was, and when I did, I felt fear cover my entire being like a blanket. I frantically looked around for something familiar, but I found nothing. Two nurses rushed into my room.

“Miss, is everything okay?” one of them asked, her eyes were gentle and warm. She came towards me how my mom used to when I would get sick.

“No, where am I? What happened to me?” my words were rushed

“You’re at the hospital, and you passed out” she explained with the same gentle eyes, her voice was calming, almost like Dylan’s.

Where is he?

“Passed out? What? Why?” I tried to remember the events leading to me waking up in a hospital but questions pushed their way out before I could even think about what happened.

“We don’t know why yet, we haven’t gotten your results back. We’d like to keep you here until then. But your boyfriend, Dylan right?”

I nodded

“He said he found you laying on the bathroom floor at your parents house. Do you remember that?”

“No, I just remember waking up from a nap at my parents house, and i had this horrible headache. But when I got up i felt like I needed to throw up, so I went to the bathroom.” I left out how it felt like I was dying

“Okay. I’ll go get your family and let them know that you’re awake” she got up from the chair she was sitting in and left the room with the door open

I rested my head on the back of the bed, I closed my eyes. My eyes welled up with tears and I tried to hold them back, knowing Dylan and my parents would be entering my room soon. I tried focusing on the small tv mounted in the corner of my room. The news was on and as much as I tried focusing on it, I couldn’t pay attention. My thoughts took over as I stared blankly at the TV. I was so deep in my own thoughts I didn’t hear Dylan and my parents come in.

DYLAN

I was anxious to see y/n but I was relieved to know she was awake.

“Can we see her?” I looked up at the nurse, my voice was scratchy

“Yes, of course. Let me show you to her room” she motioned for us to follow her, and we did.

As we walked down the sterile hallway, she explained what happened and that they didn't know everything yet, also that y/n would probably be held here for a couple of days. She also told us that y/n might not be fully coherent because of the pain medication they put her on.

It felt like I was being stabbed through my chest, just hearing the words. I knew she was okay and that she'd be okay, but it was still bad. Right now, it was bad and it absolutely broke my heart that y/n was enduring something so painful.

The nurse stopped outside the room, signaling for us to enter.

I felt my heartbeat pick up and my hands suddenly were sweaty. I fought back tears as I entered the room.

“Hey, y/n” I rasped, my voice was rough but it still worked to my surprise.

She looked at me with a smile. It wasn't her signature smile, all teeth and full of life. This was her smile when she wanted to be full of life, when she wanted to be strong. It was a smile nonetheless and it made me feel significantly better than before.

“Dylan” she mumbled my name and I could feel myself healing from the horror and trauma that had been our weekend.

Her eyes were glossed over. It wasn't a lot, but just enough to accentuate her eyes. Her hair was messy and strands of hair clung to her forehead in a bond only sweat could hold. I sat down in a chair and rested my hands on the mattress. Her hand reached for mine and I felt the coolness of her touch as her fingers laced through mine. I noticed her nail polish, something that looked so perfect only a few days earlier was now chipped. She looked at me with warmth. Like she wanted to tell me everything would be okay but she couldn't because she didn't believe it. Her eyes were my home, they were my calm, my happy place. Even if she had almost died, having her hand in mine felt like nothing bad had happened. I watched the news with her, but soon my thoughts had wandered to the night we first met.

I was at a friend Andrew's party. He was moving out of his house, a house where so many parties had been thrown. It was at this house, I had my first drink, my first kiss, my first anything that my parents would disapprove of. It was sad to see him go. I had known Andrew since we were 15 and now we were 21. Actual adults. I was talking to someone about something I couldn't remember because that's when I saw her. I looked up from my red solo cup, towards the main door and she walked in. She greeted Andrew and his girlfriend, Meghan, with a smile and a hug. Her hair fell past her shoulders in loose curls and her makeup was minimal. I wanted to know who she was, I needed to know even if I'd only seen her from across the room at a crowded party. I excused myself from the one sided conversation I was having and looked for Andrew. I knew I couldn't just talk to this girl with absolutely no idea of who she was. When I found him, he had a huge smile across his face.

“DYLAN, MY MAN, IS THIS PARTY AWESOME OR WHAT?” he was clearly drunk, yelling over the music and into my face.

“Yeah it's pretty awesome.” I mumbled, clinging to my cup “who was that girl who just came in?”

“OH YOU MEAN ,Y/N?” he shouted again

“If she was just the girl who came in and hugged you guys, yeah” I felt myself get more and more anxious as I kept talking to him

“YEAH THATS Y/N. SHE'S A FRIEND OF MEGHAN'S. THEY'RE SUPER CLOSE” he looked up from our conversation, scanning the room full of people “WHY DO YOU ASK?”

I felt my face warm up and I looked down at my drink. I'd always been awkward around girls, they were never interested in me unless they were drunk. Andrew's face dropped with anticipation, knowing that I wanted to meet her, his eyes widened and his mouth gaping open.

“You like her don't you?” His voice dropped to loud a whisper, I could smell the alcohol coming off his breath. I regretted my decision more and more as I realized Andrew wouldn't remember this conversation.

“Yeah except I can't really say that yet. I don't know her and I was hoping you could tell me something about her?” I asked, my voice way to polite.

“I'm gonna be honest with you man, I'm drunk as hell and I don't really know her that well. She comes over to hang out with Meghan sometimes and that's it.” As he spoke, I could see an idea brewing in his eyes “lemme go get Meghan and she can hook you guys up. Y/n's pretty chill, she is only 19 though”

There was a brief pause as I thought about y/n. I didn't know her but I wanted to. I wanted to know everything about her.

“HEY MEGHAN CAN YOU COME OVER HERE?” Andrew broke the silence between us, yelling into the abyss of partiers. I turned my head and saw Meghan squeezing her way through the grope fest in the main room.

“Hey, what's up?” She looked up at Andrew and then looked at me

“Dylan, here, has a crush” he smirked and roughly set his hand on my shoulder. Meghan's eyes lit up at him and she looked at me, her eyes now wild with questions

“OHHHH who is it?” She was excited, I was never vocal about liking anyone because people always wanted to set me up, something I never enjoyed.

“Y/n.” Andrew stated, the same smirk on his face

“Y/N???” She yelled, grinning “she’s amazing, oh my god, you'll love her. You guys will get along so well.” She grabbed my arm forcefully, and led me to the kitchen.

She was sitting on the kitchen counter a cup matching mine in hand as she talked with another girl about something. She saw Meghan, my arm in her hand.

“Y/n, I'd like you to meet Dylan.” Meghan's voice was proud, like she'd just accomplished something big

I noticed y/n eyes narrow on to me, I couldn't tell if her eyes were lustful or interested. I held her gaze for what felt like an eternity before looking at the ground.

“Dylan, this is y/n” Meghan gently pushed me forward

She pushed herself off the counter and approached me. She introduced herself and we started talking. She was wearing a loose v neck styled shirt with jeans that made her legs look like the hottest pair of legs I'd ever seen. I felt myself falling for her and I didn’t even know her.

We talked all night, never running out of things to talk about. She payed attention to me when I talked, she made me feel like I was important, not just some drunken encounter. We left the party, and just walked around the neighborhood. We ended our walk at a park. We sat down on a bench overlooking an empty field. We didn't say anything, we just existed together on that bench.

She turned to look to at me. The only light source was a street light a couple hundred feet away from where we were. I noticed all her features, the first of many times.

“I really like you” she said, her face was serious, her voice full of conviction.

I remember the gut feeling I had, when she said those words. I didn't think, I just grabbed her face and we kissed. For a while. So much so, my entire face ached. I didn't know what I was doing, but it felt right, and I didn't want to stop. She was the first to pull away, and looked at her phone. It was almost 5am. I remember the look of horror on her face when she realized she'd have to be home soon before her parents woke up. I walked her back to her house, and we held hands the entire time. The whole time, my heart was racing. I was anxious but having her with me, even if we'd only know each other for a few hours, melted away all my problems.

Neither of us anticipated getting to the point we were at. Sitting there next to y/n, I realized how much we'd been through in all 4 years of our relationship. It gave me hope that we'd make it through this, no matter how terrible it got.

I was so lost in thought of y/n and everything we'd been through. I'd forgotten her parents were in the room too. They were sitting against the wall facing y/n, their heads resting together and their eyes closed. I was thankful they respected our relationship enough to let me be with her, and I was thankful they stayed. I sat with y/n and we watched the news silently, just enjoying each other's company, existing together just as we did on the park bench, 4 years ago.

Y/N

We watched the news in silence. I wanted to talk to him but I didn’t have the energy to say anything. It felt like we’d been there for hours.

The nurse from earlier came in the room except this time she had a clipboard and a pen.

“Y/n,” she started, her eyes focused on me “We got your blood test results back” Her voice was excited, but somehow I wasn’t.

Everyone in the room was looking at her, wondering what news she was withholding from us.

She looked down at her clipboard, and looked back up at us. “Y/n, are you aware of your pregnancy?”

Dylan’s head jerked towards me, but my eyes were still on the nurse.

“I’m pregnant?” I asked, my heart dropped to my stomach and it felt like I couldn’t breathe.

The nurse just looked at me, “Yes. Your blood test came back positive for pregnant”  she started “We think this is why you threw up so much, and passed out. You’re not eating enough and you’re putting your body under too much stress.” She looked at Dylan and I as her smile grew “Congratulations you two”

“Yeah, uh thanks.” I mumbled, looking towards Dylan. I looked to him to calm myself, but found he was just as terrified as I was.

“You’re going to visit with Dr. Sapperstein in a couple of hours, he’ll evaluate your pregnancy, you know, where you’re at, if the baby is healthy” she explained. “We’ll come back in and walk you to the maternity ward where is, your husband can come with”

“Oh we’re not mar-” Dylan started

“Yes, great, thank you so much” I said with a smile, Dylan just looked at me confused.

The nurse left, leaving me with my parents who were now adorning the biggest smiles I’d ever seen.

“Oh this is so exciting, steve, we’re gonna be grandparents!” my mom exclaimed

My dad just laughed, “I think they need talk” he stood up, offering a hand to my mom who gladly took it.

I heard my mom whisper, “we’re gonna be grandparents!” as they left.

I repositioned myself so my legs were crossed. I motioned for dylan to sit on the bed with me, and he did. He mirrored my position, and we stared into each other's eyes. We stayed silent, neither of us knowing what to say.

DYLAN

“Dylan, I'm so sorry” y/n said, tears formed in her eyes, “I don't know how this happened”

I took her hands in mine. “This is going to be okay. It wasn't planned and god knows the timing is terrible, but we'll make it.” I wasn't sure if I was saying those words for her or for me. I was absolutely terrified of being a dad. It was something I always wanted but now? Now it was actually happening and I'd never felt so unsure of something in my life.

“I'm so scared” she confessed, more tears running down her cheeks

I wrapped my hands around her face, wiping her tears with my thumbs. “I am too.” I kissed her for the first time in what felt like weeks. I felt her face relax under mine and a sigh escaped her lips. Our foreheads rested together as a I rested one of my hands on her cheek and my other was being held by both of hers.

Her breaths were broken, and soon mine were too. I wanted to be strong for y/n, but I couldn't keep myself together. We both were so scared of what would happen to us and our future. We weren't financially ready for a child and we were barely mature for our ages.

“How are we gonna do this?” I managed to pull myself together enough to ask the question we were both thinking

“I have no idea.” She looked at me, and laughed.

“Why are you laughing, this is serious” I retorted, feeling my mouth curve into a smile

“I have no idea” she just laughed harder.

I was still terrified of being a dad, but part of me was ready for it. I wanted this and I could do it as long as I had y/n.

[spudandemdotravels-blog]

New Zealand - Abel Tasman National Park, Nelson, back to Auckland and HOME!

Bonjour tout le monde!

(Some of the photos are extras from the last couple of posts as we had too many!)

After leaving Gentle Annies campsite, we wound our way north along the south highways 6 and 60 towards Motueka which was to be our last town on the South Island. Thanks to Betsy (our trusty wagon), the drive was yet again faultless and the scenery was now unsurprisingly beautiful. We wound up through mountains and then onto the flatlands in the Nelson area before turning north west towards the Abel Tasman national park.

(The evening view from Gentle Annie’s campsite)

(Gigantic mussel shells on the beach at Gentle Annie’s)

This time round we picked a basic but very cheap ($6 per night) campsite between Motueka and the city of Nelson. We had to tackle cold showers, no washing up facilities let alone kitchen, and no Cow Shed cafe. Boohoo! However, as we were all feeling the pinch budget-wise and didn’t want to isolate ourselves in the national park due to forecast bad weather, the decision was a solid one. As with most of our travel days, we ended up lacking time to do anything other than set up camp by the time we arrived, although (despite a slight hiccup which involved Em ripping off a toenail on a tent peg) Dan managed to squeeze in a quick ‘gym’ session in the kids park before bed as he had energy to burn after being cooped up in the car all day!

Our plan for the next day was to head into the north of Abel Tasman national park, named after an early Dutch explorer who discovered the South Island. The drive was one of the windiest of the trip, and the 60 miles from the campsite to Totaranui took us over two hours. The mighty Takaka Hill tried its best to wind us into a breakdown, but Betsy was having none of it!

The first part of the day was a short walk out to Skinner Point which looks out over Goat Bay and Totaranui beach. This helped to get the blood flowing, so we turned north and make our way to Anapai Beach. The beach was a perfect spot to stop for lunch and to be harassed by the local Weka birds. It reminded us of some of the Asian beaches we had been on, although the climate was a lot different! After lunch we walked on a bit further to another lookout point before turning back for the car. We covered about 12km which we felt was enough to take in the north of the park, and then walked another 4km to the stunning Wainui falls and back on our way back to the campsite.

The next day was put aside to explore the southern part of the national park. We had a more relaxed start to the day, caught up on tasks that needed WiFi in Motueka and then drove onto Marahau, the trail head. The walk was another out and back totalling around 11km. Whereas the north of the park felt very isolated and wild, we felt that this walk was nicer as you follow coastline and are awarded great views at almost every significant turn. We initially stopped for lunch on a tiny beach just further on from Tinline Bay but we found that the tide was coming in at a rate of knots. So as to avoid getting wet cheese and biscuits we scuttled off and found another more accommodating stretch of sand on Coquille Bay which is found down a path that follows a small valley off the main trail. The weather was defying the forecast, so after we finished eating we soaked up some sun before pushing on to Apple Tree Bay, a bigger and more popular beach, which was our half way point.

We woke up to rain the next morning, which wasn’t a disappointment as we had thought for a minute that a hurricane due to hit Australia might be making its way towards us. Thankfully it was just bog standard rain that we had, so we used the weather as an opportunity to spend the day in Nelson city. We initially tried the market in Motueka, but unfortunately there were hardly any vendors. We managed to buy a couple of souvenirs to take back with us, but made our way into the city after an hour or so. By the time we we arrived the rain had stopped. We walked around the city for a while to decide where we would stop for lunch, and settled on a tantalising sharing seafood platter in Cod and Lobster at the top of the high street. We felt like we deserved one nice meal out before we flew back to Blighty, and it didn’t disappoint! In the afternoon we strolled around the small but beautiful Queens Gardens, and the art gallery next door before finding a cafe to kill an hour or two. In honesty, we could probably have explored the city a bit more, but as we had two solid days of travelling lined up, we chose to chill our beans instead!

The next day was the longest day we had had in a while! We were up bright and early to pack down and make our way to Picton in time for our ferry. We arrived with an hour to spare so that we could all follow up on messages relating to the sale of our kit (a burden we were all feeling by this point), and then boarded the ferry for what was to be a nauseating ride across the Cook Strait. As a result of the swells we were put back by a good half an hour and docked in Wellington at around 6pm. By the time we disembarked, ate and filled up with fuel it was gone 7pm and we had at least four hours of driving ahead of us. We made up the driving team; Spud driving and Em co-pilot, and we navigated the route we had taken almost four weeks ago with the utmost skill (modest). Our destination was a free campsite in Taupo that could accommodate tents, but was very popular so we weren’t guaranteed to find a pitch. We arrived at 11:30pm, dog tired, and completely not in the mood for putting up the tent, eventually we found a little patch to squeeze our tent on that wasn’t at a 15* angle! It was gone midnight by the time we got our heads down, and whilst the night sky was magical we knew we were in for a cold one.

We woke up thinking that our noses had dropped off. The silver lining of it being the most basic campsite we had stayed in was that it was a five minute drive from some natural hot springs. We were all struggling with the previous days travel, but managed to dry off the tent, sweep it down and pack it up ready for its sale scheduled for the next day, before making our way to Spa Park for a natural bath. We soaked for a while before refuelling ourselves and the car, and hitting the highway towards Auckland.

(Taupo hot springs)

We arrived at around 3pm, said our goodbyes to Brendan and Erin and cracked on with the days tasks. We were to pick up keys for Tom and Leonie’s flat where we would be staying until the 28th, sell the tent, clean down the kit on the roof, deliver the stove and gas bottle, deliver the mattresses, buy food for us, and then sell the chilly bin all before bed time. I am sure you are not surprised to read that we were well overdue a hot shower, a good nights sleep with real pillows (our cheap ones had all but turned to mush), in a real bed, in an actual building that night. We slept like logs!

Our final full day in Auckland was spent selling yet more of our camping equipment, and preparing for our flight the next day. Oh, and we forgot to mention that we bought a van on eBay that Dan had been keeping an eye on over the last couple of weeks. That’s the transport box ticked for when we get home! By mid-afternoon we were getting cabin fever, so we ventured out into the city to buy some Kiwi hops for Dans beer making venture, and for him to get a haircut after the DIY do’s he had been getting from Em (she won’t be changing career anytime soon!) with his beard clippers over the last couple of months. We rounded up the day with a mini roast NZ lamb which was delicious having only had it on one other occasion whilst in NZ.

(Sunset near Athol)

Again we slept like logs and before heading to the airport we had just a few more errands to run before we returned the car after a grand total of 6700km of driving over the last five weeks. We felt like errand machines by this point but it was great to know that everything was in line for our return to good ol’ Blighty!

What an adventure the last six months have been for us. We have learned so much about ourselves individually and as a couple (naturally, after around 4380 consecutive hours in each other’s company!) and about a plethora of cultures and countries along the way. It has been fascinating to see how different parts of the world function, and bewildering to see that in most of Asia, people seem to get by with little to no obvious regulation by ‘public’ services! Our eyes and horizons have been significantly widened as a result of the trip, and inline with Emily’s facebook post, we sincerely thank all of you who have helped us to be able to do it. We don’t believe that we will be returning as different people. We have heard some people say that they are on special journeys to ‘find themselves’, and have seen (and smelled) people who have clearly got in touch with their more bohemian side, but that’s just not us. What we have done is to vow to make some adjustments to the way we live to minimise our impact on the environment. Seeing more of the world, particularly those areas that are less economically developed that the UK, has focused our attention on environmental and ecological impacts of our behaviour. We have seen the results of horrific natural disasters, mindless use of single-use plastics and unbelievable amounts of plastic debris and general rubbish in some of the most beautiful areas we have ever seen. We really believe that now is the time for a collective effort to minimise the damage that we are causing in both visible and indirect ways. In particular, reducing meat consumption and increasing quality will be focused on, as well as conservation of water, minimising plastic use and recycling/reusing as much as possible.

Anyhow, we both cannot wait to see everyone at home. It will likely take us a little while to catch up with you all, given that we need to find jobs, a place to live, and carry on with the wedding planning, but we promise we will be in touch just as soon as possible!

Spud & Em x

(Soaking up the rays by Lake Wanaka)