#i wish the pictures were better quality but bare with me

[keter-class-anomaly]

freckle logan painting >:]]]]] inspired by this lovely post

close up:

[goldenhypen]

｡⋅✴︎｡⚬⋅ WHAT ARE WE?

syn. the way you and riki act as best friends has everyone questioning what you two really are.

riki x reader ⋅ fluff + best friends acting not so platonically? ⋅ 0.6k ⋅ 100% based off a dream i had recently- enjoy! :’>

laughter. riki’s favourite sound. and not just any laughter. your laughter.

with your eyes half shut, head swung back and tummy hurting in pure bliss, sounds of joy left your lips, all because of something silly riki had said that you already barely remember. you don’t even know why you found it funny, but perhaps that’s a quality that ran in your close friendship with riki: any crazy, ridiculous thing your best friend would do or say could so easily elicit laughter from you. he likes to call it a talent, and you just roll your eyes at the thought.

you and riki weren’t the only ones at the table. on the other side of you was jake, and sitting across was sunoo and jungwon as you all shared a nice, warm meal together that jake had ordered earlier. and there you five sat on their empty practice room floor after a long day.

a satisfied sigh finally left your lips once you recovered and got control of your breathing again. realizing you were full, you turned to your side and faced riki with a grin. he looked at you through the sides of his eyes but didn’t question your motives. and before he knew it, his body was being pushed away slightly as you adjusted the position of his legs that were once crossed, now spread apart.

already knowing what you wanted, he opened up his arms for you, and you sat yourself right in front of him, back facing his body, and you leaned against him, letting your weight fall onto his.

his arms wrapped around and encapsulated you before you brought yours out from under his, your hands easily finding their way to his wrists.

“you better not fall asleep,” he said quietly beside your ear, almost sending a rush down your spine. his tone was as though he was offering you some sort of deal, that if he were to let you do this with him, the only condition would be that you don’t fall asleep.

and so you nodded but decided to be a little rebellious, closing your eyes anyway, despite it being against what he had told you.

the few minutes that went by weren’t enough for you to fall asleep yet, and suddenly you heard sunoo and jungwon giggling across from you. you were still fully conscious, just unable to see behind your eyelids, and you could hear as they snapped a picture of you because someone forgot to turn their phone’s sound off. you only continued to pretend to be asleep as you heard and felt riki chuckle against you as he found you cute and funny.

however, you lulled into such a relaxed state that you eventually did fall into a nice–though short–slumber, content in riki’s arms.

the way he brushed your hair from your eyes, and the way he watched you adoringly went unnoticed by you who was asleep in his arms, and is something you’ll never be aware of… that is until you see all the pictures and videos sunoo took but were not long lived as his giggles were a dead giveaway and had riki stopping him (not only because he was embarrassed but also because he didn’t want anyone to wake you).

just know that riki adores you–and he’ll never let this reach your ears, but… he wishes that you’d use him like this more often.

A/N. had a dream that was exactly like this and so i decided to write it for y’all to experience it too :’> idk why it was riki and NOT JAKE THO???? but i think it turned out pretty cute so :D hope you enjoyed! letting me know you did would mean a lot to me <3 thanks for reading!

M.LIST ⋅ TAGLIST FORM

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[vamptarot]

Why God Loves You | PAC

pile one pile two pile three

how to choose a pile . . . choose whichever you feel drawn to or ask your guides to guide your eyes to the one that is meant for you! ᡣ𐭩

— ⭑.ᐟ before we start I would like to say that this pick a card was made for those who were made to believe that God doesn’t love them, or that their existence is a sin. so if anyone wishes to complain about ‘oh but what if I have different beliefs’ then please simply consider that this pick a card is not for you. I am making it for those who were unjustly hurt. not proof read.

pile one : - coffee stain !

𐙚 : judgment reversed, ace of wands reversed, hermit reversed, two of swords, the devil

bottom of the deck: ace of cups

♡ ⢷why He loves you

You are genuinely not a judgemental person, at all. Even if someone is judged by the masses you are someone that does the ‘investigation’ of the situation yourself and then decide if the person actually deserves to be hated or not.

Even when it comes to unconventional things that other people would judge for, you simply do not. You always do your best to understand where the other person is coming from, and most importantly what are they going through. Especially emotionally, you try to see it from their perspective and not from someone that’s an outsider perspective in that situation, whatever it might be. That only comes second, third and so on. You are just someone very nurturing and smart, a person who walks their own way of clarity rather than blindly following the masses.

You are someone that is hard to influence, but rather than this making you unfriendly, it has the opposite effect on you. This quality of yours makes you very friendly and makes people have trust in you.

You are mature and can meet good people because you don’t let judgement fall in the way of you making good connections. Rather, you aim to understand everyone as much as possible.

You are also someone that is very responsible. When you make mistakes rather than running away from them and denying what had happened in the past you stand on your feet and strive to make it right. To create a better future.

This is something that is very honourable about you, something that is admirable.

♡ ⢷personal message

You don’t have to be religious in order to follow the words of God or what’s in your heart. Neither do you have to be religious in order to be considered a good person.

You are just you, and that’s enough.

You are good as you are, with your flaws, with your strengths and with your history. Don’t feel like you have to put on a show in order to be accepted. By this, I just mean that your existence is not a sin. What happened to you in the past is not a sin either, and don’t shame yourself for your normal human desires. Especially if you know it’s not your fault.

‘Picture perfect’ is picture perfect exactly because it’s not reality. Consider it an illusion if you wish.

— ✮⋆˙ someone in this pile is biologically a guy! , hey ya! - outkast , used to be a player , plush animals , bells , bunnies , wooden house , unfortunate childhood , growing up in poverty and actually managing to have a better life , nose bleeds , pink glittery food ? , hate for ants

my beautiful pile one please know that your intrusive thoughts are not you and I see all your efforts to be the best possible version of yourself, to treat yourself and humans with love and respect. you are pretty cool, please don’t beat yourself up. don’t blame yourself for the way other people have hurt you. I am also so sorry if your pile sounds a bit messy, I wrote it at 2AM. thank you for reading.

if you liked my reading please consider checking out my paid readings! there is barely any topic I will say no to and with every penny you are helping me!

pile two : - a letter !

𐙚 : the lovers reversed, five of cups reversed, ten of swords reversed, ace of wands, the hermit, two of cups

bottom of the deck: the star & the empress reversed

♡ ⢷why He loves you

In the past you have made some pretty bad choices. I am not judging, because who didn’t? These could be things that you aren’t necessarily proud of and that you know hurt people. At that time, you didn’t have people’s best interest at heart. You didn’t even care much for it even.

The thing is, this changed. You changed it, without anyone having to tell you to.

You changed it because you didn’t enjoy the person you have become. All by yourself. God, and your guides for that matter, are very very proud of you for that. It could feel a bit unreal to hear that, but regardless, you are reading this pick a card for a reason.

Regardless, you made such a huge progress and became someone that you can be proud of. You are doing so well, there is nothing left but to praise you for how far you have become.

There was genuinely such a huge tower moment in your life which helped you become the person that you are today, one that helped you evolve and have people’s best interest in your heart. Not from a people pleasing stand point either, rather, you look at everyone as human and as crazy as it might sound this isn’t a quality many people have.

Rather than seeing people as strangers, obstacles or just an option to pass time with you have become much more empathetic and have way more emotional depth than what you used to have.

This has helped you and other people heal as well, it’s truly adorable. You have every right to be proud of yourself!

♡ ⢷personal message

The past is the past and the present is the present.

People change and this includes you. Don’t give yourself a hard time over things that no longer matter, or no longer can he helped.

Today, you are a just, wonderful and kind person. Someone that gives their all in everything they do, someone who does things with all their might. A person that is doing their best, every single day, even at times where they don’t want to. - It’s not the bare minimum, this is a very wholesome and just thing of you to do. Don’t under-appreciate your own efforts in life. You are doing so much, while getting so little and you are so strong for continuing to stand even though you feel like giving up at times.

You are doing so well, and I hope you will be able to see that.

— ✮⋆˙ zuko from atla , mha , break stuff - limp bizkits , smiley - yena ft bibi , ear ringing , silver jewellery , crying at night ? , porcelain dolls , grandma , beauty and the beast rose , swarovski princess dolls , blood , red lip tint , being distracted , recently finding out something important about yourself

bad people don’t worry about being bad. I know impostor syndrome can be hard, but you are doing so well! the past doesn’t define you but your efforts of self improvement do! thank you for reading. 🫶🏻

if you liked my reading please consider checking out my paid readings! there is barely any topic I will say no to and with every penny you are helping me!

pile three : - the sea !

𐙚 : knight of wands reversed, the devil, three of swords reversed, nine of pentacles reversed, seven of swords reversed, ace of swords, ten of swords

bottom of the deck: queen of pentacles reversed

♡ ⢷why He loves you

Alright my beautiful pile three, I see your struggles. You have happened to be born into and grow up in an environment that doesn’t serve you any right. One that doesn’t align with your soul and keeps making you go through hardships.

Your family members are not necessarily people who always have your best interest at heart, and even if they do they don’t always succeed in showing you that.

They are much different from you, and even though you don’t necessarily deem yourself as perfect you know they are at times toxic even if they try to include you in things, try to make you feel good in your skin and so on. You, essentially are the black sheep of your family. Not because you try to stand out, not because you cause trouble on purpose but because you try to not make the mistakes that they do.

Being born into a family which you can love is a privilege, and I do think you got to understand that from a very young age even if not everyone in this pile hates their family you don’t always like them despite loving them. - Ironic, that could be something that people who chose this pile heard growing up. -

So, at many times you have felt lonely.

Despite this, you are doing your best. Some of you were at times severely mistreated, tricked into things or perhaps share wounds you genuinely never want to open up about.

Regardless of this, you don’t seek revenge. You don’t aim to hurt people. If you dislike someone you keep your distance, and focus on your own life.

On having good goals, good morals, being kind to strangers, being kind to family and being a good person overall.

Sure, sometimes you do get annoyed, quite a lot at times even, but you do your best to not react out of harsh and negative emotions, to not lash out on people. You know how it feels and don’t wish to inflict such negative kinds of emotions on people. So everyday, you do your best to don’t.

♡ ⢷personal message

Your surroundings don’t define you as a person, being the one to stand out doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.

Sometimes you are just meant to stand out, to create differences, to be the foundation for a better future.

For yourself and those who are important to you.

If you can’t be, that’s fine. The world doesn’t rely on you, don’t overwhelm yourself if you believe that you deserve better. The world is give and take, you cannot just give and give and give without receiving anything back.

Being a giver is alright, and having a forgiving heart is beautiful, but you cannot sacrifice your well being just to please people.

— ✮⋆˙ ‘I just wanna be one of your girls tonight one of your girls tonight’ , apple watch , an actual apple , lana del rey , ‘back to black’ , late night talks , ‘bye guys! hi ladies!’ , soobin from txt , dipper pines , weird food combos - peanut butter with pickles … ? whatever makes you feel happy my pile 3 - , back scratching , long nails , poverty , gangs (?)

I can definitely resonate with you my beautiful pile three, please just know that beautiful things await you. Like genuinely, you will have so many good things in life which you didn’t even previously think about or consider before. I hope you will be able to find so much happiness my little lamb. thank you for reading.

if you liked my reading please consider checking out my paid readings! there is barely any topic I will say no to and with every penny you are helping me!

[httpspedri26]

Your losing me (pt.2)

Angst fluff

Jude x reader

I’m still writing some requests but feel free to leave more!!

Your losing me (pt.1)

Jude hated himself because of what he did six months ago. These last months were the longest he ever went without you, without the sound of your voice, your laughter, Your scent still wonders around the house though, it’s everywhere, even though Jude has washed your pillow countless times or had another woman sleep on it. It serves as a constant reminder that you once in that house with him.

Every corner of the house holds memories of you both - the photographs on the walls, every time he wants to take the pictures of the wall he breaks down crying, so he figured it was better to leave them there.

He often wonders if you think about him too, if you miss him like he misses you. . The thought of you moving on, finding happiness with someone else, is both a source of pain and a glimmer of hope. Deep down, he wants nothing more than for you to be happy, but he can’t stand imagining you with another man.

This week, Real Madrid had agreed to cancel this week’s training for the holidays to spend some quality time with their families. Jude initially hadn't planned on returning to Dortmund, but he really wanted to see y/n, that’s all he had been wishing for these past 6 months just to hold her in his arms again.

That’s why he finds himself back in dourtmund back in the front door of his and y/n house. He didn’t really know how he got there, he wasn’t planning on showing up at your doorstep at this time, but all roads lead him here.

He can hear footsteps as soon as he knocks on the door. Jude’s heart drops as he sees a man, the complete opposite of him, standing in front of him. brown hair, light eyes, and fair skin.

"Hey, can I help you with something?" The man furrowed his eyebrows as he asked Jude.

Jude felt like his throat was closing and couldn't speak.

"I, um, no, sorry. I think I'm in the wrong house," Jude blurted out, as soon as he heard your voice from afar asking who it was.

✿

It’s been a few days since Jude appeared at Y/N’s front door. He had been staying at his parents' house in Dortmund, still alone as nobody was there yet. They were in Sunderland with Jobe for a few days before coming over to Dortmund, which brought Jude a sense of relief, not wanting his family to see him in that state.

A soft knock from the front door snapped Jude out of his thoughts. Furrowing his eyebrows in confusion, he groaned and threw his head back as he stood up from the couch. Opening the door, your scent enveloped his mind.

“Hey, Jude.” Y/n shivered from the rain; she only had one rain jacket that barely covered her.

"Y/n, are you insane?" Jude exclaimed as he pulled her into the house, wrapping her in his arms. She smelled as she always did, her scent filling Jude's nose. He felt the urge to cry, to drop to his knees and apologize for everything. Y/n looked up at him, her eyes reflecting a mix of emotions.

Y/n looked up at him, her eyes reflecting a mix of emotions. The warmth of Jude’s embrace offered a temporary refuge from the cold rain outside.

“I was just walking around, needed some fresh air,” Y/n whispered, her voice barely audible over the raindrops tapping on the windows.

Jude tightened his grip, his heart heavy with unspoken words. “And you came here? How did you know I was here?”

“I saw you Jude, before you left my house, I was just scared to say anything”

After they pulled away from each other, Jude rushed to grab a towel for y/n, making sure she wasn't still shaking from the cold rain. As he wrapped the towel around her, Y/n looked around the living room, recognizing the unchanged details of a place. The family photographs on the wall, and also a picture of her and Jude kissing caught her eye, prompting her to break the silence.

“Why did you go to my house Jude?”

Jude met Y/n's gaze, sincerity reflecting in his eyes. "because I miss you, Y/n/n. These past six months have been the longest, and it's been horrible. It hurts when my friends, my parents, even Jobe asks about you. I want to fix this, to make things right between us."

Y/n sighed, her eyes reflecting a mix of empathy and sadness. “Jude, we broke up because our relationship wasn’t working anymore. You know that. It’s not just about the past six months; it’s about what led us here.”

Jude’s eyes pleaded for understanding. “I know I messed up, but I can change. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make things right, to be the person you need me to be. Please, give us another chance.”

Y/n hesitated, her heart torn between the memories they shared and the pain they endured. “Jude, it’s not that simple. We both need time to heal and figure things out.”

"Six months were enough for me, y/n. I don't need any more time to know that you're the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I love you, and only you, you know how hard I tried to forget you? I went on thousands of dates, but I hated them all because nobody was you. please give me one more chance y/n/n”.

Y/n hesitated, the weight of those words hanging in the air. The scars from the past were etched deep, forgiveness wasn’t something Y/N was considering. After a moment of silence, y/n finally spoke, “It’s not that simple Jude, you really hurt me.”

Sighing in defeat, a tear traced down his cheek. Y/N smiled softly, delicately wiping his tears away. "But I can't live without you, Jude. I love you."

[c-schroed]

tell me about amman, jordan; i'm going to be studying there in september!!

Firstly, I'm sorry for the delayed answer. I somehow didn't notice your ask until now (turns out the asks inbox is rather well hidden in the tumblr app 😅).

And honestly, I can't tell much about Amman, because our Jordan trip was rather short in general (I'm very happy spouse an I found the time at all, but it was kind of a Better A Few Days Than Nothing At All situation), and I don't have more than a tourist's perspective.

That being said, here are a few personal impressions I have about Amman:

It's buzzing with life! Especially on top of one of Amman's hills, one can hear lots of traffic, people talking and/or shouting, children playing, all kinds of animals. I was absolutely amazed by how lively this city sounds.

Also, Amman is h u g e. We were told it takes six hours to cross it via car. Which of course is also due to its bustling traffic. Naturally, in the three days or so we were in Amman, we barely scratched the surface of this marvellous city.

There's a striking lack of public transport. From what I've seen and heard, either you own a ride, or you know someone with a ride, or you take a taxi/uber (our travel agency back home organized a local driver for us, who was very helpful). Anything else ends up with you walking.

As someone who doesn't like shorts, I did love that only the tourists wore shorts. Everyone who seemed local wore trousers.

Drinking tap water is not advisable. Like, I mentioned using boiled tap water for tea to someone and got an Are You Nuts look in response (I refreshed my typhoid shots before my Jordan trip, so I felt rather safe about that). You might know that already, I guess. However, I'm from a country with high quality tap water, so some questions surrounding water quality don't come to me as automatically as to other people (like, Where do the ice cubes in my drink come from?). As a side note, I loved the little yoghurt cups that were used as packaging for water. They're very light, which is very practical when one has to carry one's waste for some time till one finds the next bin. Clever!

Spouse and I felt very safe in Amman, and everyone we met was kind and hospitatable. Of course, we obviously were tourists. But still. We encountered nothing but kindness. One example: There is a Coptic Orthodox church in Suliman al Nabulsi Street, and after we asked if the church was open, someone immediatly gave us a lovely little tour for just a pay what you want donation for the church.

Fav places of mine were Amman Citadel (marvellous ruins, thousands of years of history, and one helluva view!), Darat al Funun (a lovely art gallery with a gorgeous lil café; the nearby Al Kalha Stairs are also absolutely worth a visit!), and the Wild Jordan Center (who also had lovely café with a gorgeous view).

These impressions I took home with me. I hope this helps you a bit, and I wish you best of luck for your studies!

As a little bonus, please have a picture of the view from Amman Citadel. The two guys from the Tourism Police really add some postcard vibes that to me make the pic perfect.

[nibwhipdragon]

Because I (vaguely) worked out how the PS2 reads discs, I did a lot of experimenting with my copy of Sonic Unleashed to see how the game would function without a disc in and...it gave me some funky results

Precautionary read more because I have no idea how long my rambles will get (Me from the future: It's pretty long.)

First off, I wanted to see what would happen to the day stages, so I loaded into Eggmanland, paused and removed the disc from my PS2, then started playing. It was pretty normal at the beginning, except for the music stopping (the PS2 must read music from the disc constantly, instead of in chunks like other data) only leaving the sound effects in. And no, the game can't play music from other discs. Put my Shadow the Hedgehog disc in there and nothing happened. Deaths didn't mess up the game at all, just loaded me back to the most recent checkpoint. Lives still went down as usual. However, once I got to that little 2D section with the ferris wheel, things became a lil iffy.

(This was the best way of taking pictures for me, I wish I could've gotten it in a better quality)

The graphics for the area hadn't loaded in at this point. However, things like rings, enemies, springs and the like were. The hitboxes for the invisible ground were still there. I think that the game loads in the bare basics for the level (sfx, hitboxes, enemies, etc.) at the start, then procedurally loads in the textures for the areas and the music when needed. This could possibly be why the graphics are a lot higher quality than the other Sonic games (excluding factors such as the time the game was developed in). I'll have to mess around with Shadow the Hedgehog and Sonic Heroes to see if they do the same too.

Losing all your lives here and getting a game over causes the game to go to a black screen which requires a restart to fix, which was expected.

Night Stages were essentially the same. I don't know if it's because Apotos Act 1 (Night) is much shorter than Eggmanland (Day), but a lot more of the stage's textures were loaded in. Music stopped like before, so if you are a person that particularly dislikes the whole night battle theme problem (i didn't feel that it played too much) then well. As long as you put the disc in before you reach the end it's all good. Also memorise the layout of the map. You'll need it.

I didn't put the disc in right after I hit the goal ring to see what happens, and nothing really does. You don't go to the victory screen at least. The game doesn't throw a hissy fit like it does if you get a game over, and it'll take you to the victory screen a few seconds after you put the disc back in and it starts reading.

Here's a silly lil victory screen with no area textures

I checked out night bosses with Dark Gaia Phoenix, and it worked normally, except for the music.

Day bosses were the same (checked with Egg Lancer), though a little bit of the textures for the ground at the end of the map loop hadn't loaded in.

Dark Gaia. Hooo boy, the game really does not like the disc not being in when it comes to that battle. Phase 1 starts alright, no music as usual. Then once you complete it...

This happens. I think that the game skips the cutscene as it doesn't have the data for it and thinks "this is Sonic's part! I gotta drop him in like in the day levels!" As it goes into phase 2, but as there's no disc, it can't even read the data for the hitboxes of the stage and load it in for there to be something for Sonic to fall onto. So it puts him a state of falling like that, where you can move him around unless you press square, which sends him stomping and impossible to move around. The controls function normal, at least.

I then put the disc back in, and after a few minutes the game got a footing, understood what it was meant to do and loaded the cutscene. Which I skipped. Skipping was mostly normal, except for the fact it opened up the pause menu for some reason??? They both use start so that could be why. As soon as I hit resume it skipped the cutscene and took me to phase 2. Took the disc out again, and it worked like the other stages did, with not loading in textures. The three sections loaded in alright, though the later two had no textures at all and was such a hell to navigate I never got to the third.

(God that one's blurry AF)

I'll reblog if I find out more. It was really interesting, finding out how the game works like this!

[aikoiya]

A Word For Vegans

I still have some issues with certain vegans. Now, don't get me wrong. After last time, I have a much better understanding of what makes some vegans tick & for those that don't eat meat or dairy because they want to reduce the amount of suffering done in the world, or don't eat meat or dairy because either they simply don't like it or can't for allergy or other biological reasons.

That's totally fine & I don't mind in the least. If you do so to mitigate suffering! That's fantastic! You are very compassionate & I wish you the best! ♡

My issue is with the ones who do it as a virtue signal or are doing it coming from a place of ignorance or just outright misinformation.

I will always have a problem with those who do it to lord it over people's heads that they're just so good & pure & whatever.

Don't misunderstand me, I do understand that not every vegan I'd like that.

But the ones who are, I don't like.

As for those who come at their veganism via wrongheadedness, I have a bit of information.

Now, I'm not telling anyone that "you must start eating meat or you're evil" or whatever. No. Because that's stupid & it's your life & you can do whatever you want with it.

I just want to spread knowledge & make sure you do whatever you decide to do with as much info as possible.

If you continue to choose to be a vegan after this, I don't care. Again, your life, your choices.

Anyway, I've heard that a lot of vegans & vegetarians choose not to eat meat in order to spare animals pain or because farms are cramped or they're kept in cages or because they're pumped full of chemicals.

Thing is, from what I can tell, there are farms out there that specifically go out of their way to make the animals lives as full of happiness & contentment as possible.

Because stress affects yield & taste of milk & meat in a negative way. So, farmers are naturally more inclined to treat their livestock well.

Also because of this, most animals don't really feel pain at the time of death in these situations because, fear & pain also produces a chemical in the body that, when eaten, gives the meat an acrid taste which lowers the quality of the meat.

As for the problem of cages. Again, stress lowers the quality of the product & if the livestock were in cages all the time, that would produce a lot of stress.

Apparently, the image that is often used to encourage people to go vegan is taken out of context.

Reverse Image Searching the picture of the cows in the big metal thing will show that it's just a rotary milking & the cows are usually in there for 15 minutes tops.

So, you can eat meat & dairy & be confident that there was no unnecessary pain involved. You just have to research where the meat & dairy you're consuming comes from. That's all.

However, something else you should consider is the fact that, if we stopped using these animals for food, then farms wouldn't have the money to be able to take care of them. If that became the case, then we, as humans, would have to let them go on their own & take care of themselves out in the wild.

I know that SOUNDS like a good idea, but please keep in mind that the wild is full of predators & these livestock have likely never lived on their own before & have adapted themselves to being cared for. They most likely don't have any survival instincts. It's likely that they would go extinct quickly, especially cows.

Also, many predators will literally just start eating their prey while they're still alive.

At the very least we tend to kill our prey quickly & don't begin eating them until we know that they're dead.

I've actually heard us be called the gentlest predators on Earth & I quite agree. We, as a species, try our hardest not to be cruel. At least, the common person does.

Also, some people just can't metabolize purely vegetables. Some people have problems with their bodies that make it so they have to eat a bare minimum of meat every day or they'll get sick.

Not to mention what too much soy can do to men. It's speculated that soy raises estrogen & lowers testosterone, so that could cause problems for males.

There's also how much supplements you need in order to really regulate the chemicals in your body without the help of meat or dairy. Not everyone wants to have to be a scientist with their bodies.

I'm sorry to say that your lifestyle just isn't for everyone.

Again, I'm not trying to tell anyone that they're wrong or that their lifestyle is bad. I just want to inform so that if you decide that you wish to keep being a vegan or vegetarian, then you do so with as much information & as little prejudice as possible.

Thank you for listening. :D

[cascaria]

Blog Post 5/29/2023

Music is an artistic venture that's been on my mind a lot as of late. Rather, lyrics are specifically. I've been taking a different approach with lyrics than previous efforts (different from what I've put out publicly anyway), trying to get more personal. A lot has changed in my sense of self recently (trans moment teehee) and its made attempts to write more personal stuff feel,,, strange. Songs I wrote mere months ago feel like they were written by a different person, ideas expressed in earnest feel fake somehow.

I tried to make a clumsy snapshot of myself at this point in time, a lyrical self portrait of sorts, but the subject changed always through the painting. All it really needs is a little course correction; tweak some lyrics, scrap a few songs, write a few new ones, typical creative process. But even so its got me thinking in pretentious philosophical ways I hadn't considered before.

Can a person really be captured in the art they make? The answer is no, of course, the most realistic paintings, the most high quality photos, no matter the medium there will always be something missing. Someone could write an autobiography the length of all the Wheel of Times books put together and details would still be missing. You could film every second of a person's life and still never capture the whole picture. Of course what I'm attempting is nowhere near as ambitious, but even capturing one moment in time in total is impossible. Even in the attempt, the moment passes and a new moment is born. Sometimes the changes aren't drastic so its negligible, but of course realizing you're trans is anything but a minor shift.

Words are a weird thing for me. When I'm speaking in the moment I never feel like I can muster the right words to truly express what I'm trying to say. Given time and a big word count I can get closer, but even when I'm satisfied I'll come back to it a day later and realize ten billion things I forgot to say or wish I worded better. This includes stuff like this very blog post this sentence was added last minute.

Lyricism and poetry is a whole other beast, though. So much more has to be taken into account when crafting every line, and some ideas are really fucking hard to compress down into a rhyme scheme and melody. Ideas of the self are especially difficult. How can I make a song to express an image of myself when I barely know who I am? How can I create a snapshot of myself as a person when I barely feel like I'm real? If I don't even feel like me, how can I know what that "me" even is and express it in any way, let alone lyrically?

I've tried expressing that very experience via song and while I've written some lines I'm proud of I still feel like I'm barely scratching the surface of what I want, what I need, to convey. Part of the whole point of this project is to take the ideas and feelings out of my shitty brain and express them outwardly. Even though only like 5 people will listen or care (hi friends :3) the fact that it was heard is what matters. The fact it could be heard. But I can't make something heard if I don't know how to say it. No matter what I do, anything I write anything I sing anything I create will just be a faint silhouette of the picture.

I guess all art is like that, though. A drawing or painting can never measure up to the image formed in the artist's mind. A novel can never contain every detail of the vast world an author imagines. A song can never fully convey the emotion of the songwriter/performer. But, these things still resonate. A novel can't contain the whole of fantastical world in the author's mind, but it can create a whole new one in the mind of the reader. Art doesn't end with the artist. Once its made, once its out there, while the version in the artist's head will die with them, a new version will be made in the mind of everyone that chose to engage with it.

I can never fully express myself in the way I want to, but I can express enough that whoever engages with my art can form an image in their own head. Maybe it differs from mine, but the details that matter will be there. I can never fully put myself in a song, but I can try. I can put fragments together that a listener can pick up and graft to their own experience. Maybe it isn't about making an image of myself. That's certainly part of it on my end, but it doesn't end with me. Maybe its about making a mirror. A mirror containing fragments of myself that can also reflect fragments of whoever chooses to pick it up. Even if I am the subject, my art will never ultimately be about me.

I feel like a pretentious ass even insinuating anything I make could ever have a serious impact on someone, but I hope it does. If I could impact even one person with my art the way other people's art has impacted me, that's more than I could ever ask for. Even if I don't though, even if everything I make is doomed to obscurity for the rest of time and even all my friends fucking hate it, maybe it was enough that I tried. Maybe that's all that really matters in the end. Maybe that fruitless yet meaningful effort is what art truly is. I don't know.

[samuraiko]

I have an fcg vignette prompt! The hells cast polymorph on him, and he gets to spend quality time as a cute lil animal.

I am *SO* sorry this has taken so long, Anon. Things have been... rough here at the House of Travii. But I have your vignette!

"Fresh Cow Grass"

In good spirits after their victory on Jiana Hexum's behalf in the Heartmoor, Bells Hells arrived back on the outskirts of Jrusar and returned their horses to the Rapid Path Stables.

"I still don't think that horses have souls," Fresh Cut Grass was saying as they were leaving the stables. "Or any animals, for that matters."

"Of course they do," Imogen replied coldly. "Just because you're not certain about your own doesn't mean you should just dismiss that animals might have them."

"Oooh... remember when you were turned into a turtle?" Laudna said, her voice brimming with glee. "You were alive, then! Perhaps Imogen could try turning you into another animal, and then you could tell us what it's like!"

She immediately seized Imogen's arm and shook it in her enthusiasm. "Come now, Imogen, give it a go!"

"Doesn't FCG get some say in this?" Orym asked doubtfully.

"Well, I have been kinda wondering ever since that night," FCG admitted. "I didn't really have much of a chance to think about it, what with the Nightmare King trying to kill us, and then running away from the Moon Tower and Dorian falling on me and-"

"See, he wants to try it!" Laudna said, talking over FCG at the end and waving away Orym's protests.

"Why not just ask Fearne? I mean, she turns into animals all the time," Imogen pointed out.

"I think it works differently for me," the faun said thoughtfully, twirling one long ear. "I just sort of change my outside, but the ME-me stays the same."

"The ME-me?" Chetney chuckled.

"Yeah, you know. I don't stop being ME just because I'm a wolf or a snake or whatever. I just look different. I think what the Nightmare King did to Letters was different."

"That's a good point," Ashton commented. "I agree with Laudna, we should see what happens. And better to try this when we're in control of things so we're better prepared for next time. Gods fucking forbid there IS a next time."

"Well, if you're okay with it, FCG, I'll give it a try."

"What are you going to turn him into?" Orym hopped up onto Ashton's shoulder. "A turtle again?"

"Ummmm... well, I don't know if I can actually select the shape, but we'll see-" Imogen lifted her hands, concentrated hard, and pinkish-purple energy swirled around her and then swept toward Fresh Cut Grass...

... whose body suddenly became much larger and much broader...

... and the Hells found themselves staring at a strangely golden-coloured cow.

For a long moment, there was silence, and then Orym was unceremoniously dumped off Ashton's shoulder when the earth genasi doubled over in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Laudna was also shrieking with laughter, almost stumbling into Imogen, who was staring appalled at the cow.

"Well... that's different," Fearne said matter-of-factly, but even she was grinning widely, while Chetney approached the cow and began poking and prodding at it.

"Huh... so he's actually a flesh and blood cow, and not just a really big automaton version of one. I wonder if he bleeds?"

Orym hastily interposed himself between the gnome and the cow. "Let's not find out." He turned and looked over his shoulder at the cow, who was now poking at the grass by the trails with its muzzle.

"Hey, Letters... you okay?"

The cow began munching at the grass, looking both thoughtful and stupid at the same time.

"I think he's fine." Ashton barely managed to get the words out between gasping laughs. "Oh I wish we had that stupid thing that Hytroga had where he was capturing pictures just so we could have a record of this."

Imogen, Fearne, and Laudna approached the cow and were patting it.

"Well... he seems to be okay," Imogen said slowly. "At least he's not freaking out."

"If we were to brand him, you think the brand would stay after he changed back?" Chetney wondered.

"Chet, could you maybe come up with ideas that don't involve maiming FCG in some way?" Orym said in exasperation.

"At least now he'll know what taste is like... though grass isn't really all that tasty," Laudna pointed out.

Imogen pulled an apple out of her pack and offered it to the cow, who looked up at her, sniffed disdainfully at the apple, and went back to eating grass.

"So how long does he stay like this?" Ashton asked, wandering over and leaning against the cow.

"Um... I'm not sure. I don't think it's permanent."

Orym sidled over to Imogen. "Did you intend to make him a cow?"

"Originally I was going to make him a horse, but I was worried that if he bolted, we'd never be able to catch him. Cows are a lot more relaxed... unless Chet does something stupid and makes FCG stampede or something."

Then they saw Chetney stooping under the cow and reaching for its udders and both shouted, "OH SHIT NO-"

[thoughtcock]

self manifestations for 2023/24 (progress)

[X] rent an better actual apartment, by myself or with someone else: I am currently here now :) sitting by myself in the comfort of my living room, while listening to lofi music on youtube as background. And boy, what an amazing feeling it is. it is merely just over 400 sq ft, a small size by most standards. yet its just enough for me and the bf who comes over.

I used to feel like I don't do well in the ordinary, life had to always be happening or I have to be on some unconventional route (i mean it kinda is but still) to be happy or whatever. But lately, I really do appreciate the peace and the ordinaryness. I now romanticise the chill/hiding away to my safe space. I love doing my silly little home decorating and just feeling present at this apartment. my safe space.

I gradually became a much more neater and organised person. seriously, i started making my own bed more regularly and you could point a gun at me and i would find it so pointless to do it. its just going tog et messy again so who cares? but now.... i see why people do it.

i thought me being messy was just a personality trait of mine and i hoped people around me will accept it. but i dont know... i guess there's this new-found form of respect i have for my space now, and keeping it tidy just makes it so much more pleasant for me. the only issue with that is i spend significantly more time tidying, and my boyfriend still hasnt caught up to speed yet.

But still... I finally get ikea catalogues and how they are always selling this idea of a beautiful home enriching your life. because its true. and i get why people buy picture frames and decorative tissue boxes and carpets and all. to make a space much cozier, which in turn makes u happier and more at peace. And I get why people buy extra practical things like a water filter, storage space for your appliances, a speaker, a standing desk. because why wouldnt you? it boosts your quality of life in different ways.

Yes, its not cheap to rent, but damn I would rather pay with money than with my mental health. for seven years i've lived with the bare minimum. mostly stuck to buying necessary stuff for my home, or barely buying anything at all for fear it will eat up the little space i was allocated to. and now to have the space(!!) and options to buy something just for the aesthetics is suddenly new to me again. for 8 years i've been living in cramped dorms/subdivided rooms/flat share. i am so grateful and i cant wait to make more and get an even bigger space maybe (i still wish for a bigger kitchen, and an actual designated to hang clothes without taking over the living room space).

In the meantime maybe i can start thinking about owning a home. though i still dont feel ready, need to save more haha

[ ] get my first tattoo: still in the works. all the artists i like are either based far away, or i am still undecided and frankly procrastinating. slighly worrying about the fallout with the mother. also there is a bit of inertia to just fuck it and out trust in an artist for a tattoo that im not sure of yet.

[ ] adopt a cat: unlike getting a tattoo, i dont think i can just bite the bullet and bring an animal to my life full-time. since having a family dog, i realised how important it is to consider how I really have to be responsible for a pet. And making space for said pet in your life. my family dog came to us in a "yolo" way of sorts, and while he is amazingggggg, i know if it were up to me i'll do so much more to give him a better life. and so, i would like to carefully consider everything before fostering one. and also because my new apartment is so great as it is, how can an animal live in it well without destroying the space i worked so hard for?

[X] adapt well in new job: giving this an X because so far i've performed better than how i did in my first year. but there's a lot of self-pressure and probably managerial pressure to step up and do even more, learn even more etc. tbh sometimes it feels like my brain is swimming from all these new things i've learnt or am expected to learn. i dont want to disappoint people, but i am also trying to give myself the space/patience to improve and be better. after all im paid much better to live in this nice apartment.

[X] buy fancy decorative stuff for said new apartment (eg. plates, candles, artsy fartsy stuff)

[ ] be reading more: definitely falling back on reading... sometimes its hard to get the attention span to do so. i've been told i should get back on self-help books. so far i've read more autobiographies. there are some books i own that take me back to chaotic times (Eg. 2019) and i'm sure if i even want to touch them for fear of bringing up not so great memories and how this city is quietly turning to shits. well at least i have my nice place as it turns to shit... privilege much?

[ ] continue to choose myself: i feel like its a half-half on this...

[X] be okay with change: something i read recently is how because nothing last forever, its best to appreciate things are they are now before they are gone. the glass is already broken. impermanence makes things more beautiful.

[ ] have more reflective alone times: unfortunately not doing as much of that, but i hope that will change!!!! sometimes i live life on autopilot mode, and i could feel myself living in that mode for months since i've stopped going to therapy. autopilot mode isnt bad, but yeah i know i dont truly reflect on my feelings much if that is so. and i find my thoughts so muddled and messy at times. its like what the fuck do i want sometimes, why am i overthinking this and that, am i doing enough of this and that bla bla,,, but i dont know WHY im thinking like that. sometimes writing this in word vomit mode helps to rationalise and write out all the things in my head which is great... although i feel like a terrible writer because everything is so messy and word vomity

[X] solo travel (either a beach getaway or city gal holiday, or both): my first solo trip coming up soon! a beach getaway is something i always want to do. im not going to plan much or keep everything to a schedule, just see where this trip takes me. im hoping to just chill and be rejuvenated, and yes try to be more reflective

[ X] turn off my brain when work is over: a WIP but i would say i've gone heaps and bounds since leaving my last job. work stops at 6 and i try not to open my emails/messages, but i guess with more responsibilities sometimes i cant help it. but i can safely say i do have more time for other things without feeling like some manager will find me to settle a story or whatever. it feels nice to have no one bug u after work hours!!

[X] maintain close relationships with the people who matter: not sure whether to tick this since i've become a lot more introverted this year. i no longer do big parties or try to organise one anymore. in that sense i do feel more distant from people now, sometimes i dont even know who matters and who doesnt. but this time, i feel perfectly okay with it. i think its the new house effect, i just want to stay home all the time. maybe the person who matters most in my life is me, after all.

[X] restart seriously saving and investing again: getting paid more helps. though i do need to re-evaluate my investing choices. i jsut need to be careful about lifestyle inflation and balance things properly. i started budgeting again this months so hopefully i can stick to it.

[X] stay away from people with bad energy: its actually easier to do that when u have a significant other and u are okay to be alone. no longer interested in clubs or gettign fucked up, or getting on dating apps anymore.

-[X?] feel valued in a workplace/relationship: yes for work, thanks to great managers and great benefits. relationship, i would like to think my friends value me, and as for my boyfriend? i guess he does in his own ways, though i would like to feel more of it.

New goals:

learn diving

solo travel/travel to more unconventional places

romanticising life more

take a chill hobby like coloring

exercise at least 1x a week

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

*squeals* the party went so well Alhamdulilah!

So this is the first event I’ve fully planned top to bottom myself, I really didn’t want mum to have to do anything (in the end she ended up cooking fried rice for us though because we just needed an extra hand) so I’m really proud of myself, it wasn’t perfect not by any means but the food was so good and everyone had so much fun ^_^ and because I decided to not go with the balloon arc since we wouldn’t have the space (with so many people coming) I just used the purple balloons and streamers to decorate the doorframes, sticking them up on the doorframes and walls

(My friend Millie hung the blue decorations up with some of the purple decorations and I couldn’t help but giggle because ah my favourite colour palette ^_^)

(One of my students photobombing lol)

No, nothing was perfect or put together and a part of me is a bit like, miffed I suppose because if it had been perfectly set up I would have gotten more quality time with my friends and been able to talk to them more

But… rushing about, laughing and chatting while working together and hanging decorations and organising the food and bonding together and feeling genuinely connected, isn’t that the stuff I always dreamed of whenever I saw people and their friends in books and onscreen? ^_^ what I’m saying is I think today was beautifully imperfect and while I feel that slight disappointment in myself like okay I could have planned X, Y, Z better… Alhamdulilah Allah’s the Best of Planners and what we had together was exactly what I wanted wasn’t it? My found family ^_^

Most people came late because that really do be the millennial immigrant style lol, two of my friends showed up on time, a few more a bit later, Friend A and her mum came later but I put that down to them visiting family, but yeah most people came like an hour or so late XD but we had a fun time regardless. As a rule I have noted my friends or friends around my age are super punctual, mum and her millennials less so, although I’m one to talk since I was RUNNING late and I was glad to get extra time to decorate and set up food

Also gifting Friend A her notebook was great ^_^ Alhamdulilah she loved it!! I was so so happy to see her face and how elated she was to receive it

Friend I’s gifts didn’t all come, the most key one was the bookmark themed on her favourite book series but she loved the starry wax burner and wax melts (even though I didn’t even have time to wrap them I so sorry 🥺) , and OH MY GOD her gift to me was AMAZING the whole keepsake gift box with things tied together with a theme thing that I wanted to do?! She did for me!! 🥹 it was so beautiful and she had a little note as well that made me tear up and though she had asked I didn’t make a fuss over the gift and I even tried to respect her wishes for me to open it outside of her sight like, I had to cry and ask her if I can hug her because it was one of the most thoughtful gifts I’ve ever gotten, and she said yes ^_^ so yeah I’m absolutely going to take the time to give her a really lovely keepsake gift box themed around her favourite book next Eid Insha’Allah because she literally just gave me a little collection of PURPLE gifts and not just purple but purple featuring flowers and STARS and

🥹

I can’t

So beautiful of her.

I did not get pictures of food though we had an amazing spread (and so much food… Alhamdulilah for Bengali aunties and how practiced they are at packing up food for everyone to take home XD clean up went so fast together) I barely got time to eat food I’m starving and Alhamdulilah we got leftovers so I’m gonna go eat

OH ALSO

XD we only had time for one party game but it was pass the parcel, one for the kids and one for the adults (mum’s group and mine alike) AND Y’ALL THE ADULTS WERE INTO IT EVEN MORE THAN THE KIDS IM TELLING YOU THE JOKES THE MOCK FIGHTS AUNTY WAS GONNA THROW DOWN IF SHE DIDN’T GET A PRIZE XD

^_^

Oh and I did all this in my purple princess dress 💜🥰 I haven’t worn it since my friend’s wedding like 2, 3 years ago now but I decided at the last minute to go with this. I could have fit into the kameez without adjusting it more but… I didn’t want to spend the whole day feeling slightly self conscious and insecure worrying about how I look, that’s not what today was for. I did feel self conscious XD my friends dressed up but I was… Desi dressed up yk, but I also felt really comfortable and happy because this dress fits me perfectly and it’s my absolute favourite I love it so much, aside from the dupatta that kept slipping and dragging on the floor because the beading was only on the ends and weighed down. I didn’t have time to pin it to my dress so I’ll make sure to do that next time Insha’Allah

Also yeah next time, my mum suggested I could make an invitation with an itinerary so people have more of an idea of what to expect and come on time, the party game was a huge hit so I could do that again and I definitely want to do more. I’m really pleased because I think my mum had a lot of fun too and that makes me happy ^_^

I’m Insha’Allah going to see everyone again at the event on Sunday ^_^ Eid Fair, yay 💜

I am so tired but not exhausted the way I usually am, Alhamdulilah the sleep was good this morning and I’m gonna try to not beat myself up as much about sleeping because… I genuinely do better and have a nicer time when I’m not at 10% when the party starts. Or just in general for any life task. *sighs* I need to have more… faith really when things are out of my control. Working on it Insha’Allah.

*pats my head gently because my brain and body is still learning and needs help to calm*

Oh I am ridiculously tired from wearing heels though and YOU KNOW WHAT IT’S NOT EVEN WORTH IT IM TOO SHORT FOR ANYONE TO EVEN SEE THAT IM WEARING HEELS COS MY DRESS IS FLOORLENGTH KHALAS NOT DOING IT AGAIN MY FEET ARE SCREAMING IN AGONY

😭

If anyone has advice for the pain lmk

Gonna go get into jammies, relax and get some food Insha’Allah

[letterstooldpeople]

to John

2024/02/25

Prior to our first date, I wondered if it was worth my time to meet you. You were over a foot taller than me, and you had a beard. I've rejected men in the past both for being too tall and for having a beard. Yet, something about you pulled me into you. Was it that you came on strong and I like it when someone is blatant in their interest in me? Was it lack of sarcasm in your dry humor? Or perhaps it was just that I was at the horniest point in my menstrual cycle that day.

Regardless, yesterday I saw you again and couldn't help but realize that our outlook is so similar. I didn't tell you last time, but it was so strange to see someone's interior aesthetic so similar to mine, minus the fragrance. The bare white walls, the plants dotting the windows, and a large, clean kitchen...I found it a bit strange to see my personality in someone else's space. Last night we laughed about how you take your sleep setup seriously, with your weighted blanket, and your eyemask and your earplugs. What I didn't tell you is that I also have a weighted blanket, and an eyemask, and I sometimes wear noise-cancelling headphones. It was like hearing about my own habits through a reincarnation of myself.

And then, when I asked you about your lack of scented candles, you told me how you took air quality very seriously--I'm impressed with your commitment to outfitting every single room in your apartment with air purifiers. And the fact that you wore merino wool t-shirts and appreciated fashion at a higher level than H&M/Zara/Uniqlo made me mentally step back and consider you even more seriously than before. I still have yet to meet anyone else in my social circle who participates in fashion above the stores found at the mall.

But most importantly, the appreciation you showed for the over-engineered style within K-pop really made me want to get to know you better. I have considered K-pop to be a form of propaganda, but hearing you call it soft power propaganda out loud made me look at you twice. Your analysis of how K-pop repackaged musical trends for the masses...I have never found someone to share that with before. And it was fun to share the over-the-top videography techniques being pioneered in K-pop music videos with you.

I appreciate how we can have nuanced conversations about identity. Before, I always kept an eye out for someone with a Korean-American, or at the very least, an Asian-American background because I wished to find someone relatable in my understanding of my connection to American and non-American society. But now, I wonder if it's possible to feel understood this deeply from someone who is not necessarily of this background. Or, it could be that you are of an amiable nature, a patient listener of my impassioned, unrelatable reflections on being an Asian-American woman.

When we browsed the books at the Elliot Bay bookstore, I was surprised how flipping through picture books was fun. You pointed out that title Stalin, Waiting for Hitler and scoffed "That's a ridiculous title, can you imagine? That's like saying 'Bin Laden, Waiting for Obama.'" Something like that would not have crossed my mind, but hearing your perspective opened my eyes a little wider to the world.

When you visit the bookstore next time, will you think of me? Will you look through the graphic novel section again? Will there be a time where we go together once more?

It's so strange that I remember all this about you, but I can barely remember how we said goodbye.

Before I left your place last night, I asked if you wanted to hang out again and you apologetically confessed that you had recently gotten out of a long relationship, which was neither a yes or no.

I'm glad that you clarified that you weren't looking to hook up. Your refusal of sex made me respect you more. I took your confession to mean that as you weren't ready for another relationship and said that we could be friends.

But could I be friends with you without consistently wishing for more? I would hate to be your friend and fall into a trap of only being your friend til the day you "realized" that I was the one for you. I would cringe (my bones would curl like vinyl under a flame) to be that way and for you to see me do that.

But even if I was a paragon of emotional maturity, would you even want to be friends? Or did you say that as a way to softly reject me? You had said "I think you're really interesting..." which is the line I use when I feel guilty for rejecting people. Time will tell if you reach out again, but for now, you are a wistful memory of what could have been.

[eclaisse]

Pixels and Photography

I think I should document some of 2023 over here, and potentially 2022 as well?

Back when I was younger, I would feel sad that I didn't have a good phone and camera or the means to travel often like my friends and peers. My family barely scraped by while my classmates were all relatively wealthy, so growing up in that environment was a bit of a challenge. I know my parents prioritized living in a good area to give me and my sibling the best educations, but it's difficult to fit in when everyone has the newest or highest quality belongings and you're stuck with hand-me downs or substitutes. I tried to be grateful for what I had and think I was fine in high school, but my college years were during the peak of Instagram where everyone was sharing their expensive vacations, meals, and possessions. I I slowly realized the glaring disparity between my and my acquaintances' lives, as well as how sheltered I was. I had no idea that some of my classmates were so wealthy and looking back, I kind of wish I never did?

Admittedly, social media did teach me quite a bit, especially in regards to food, fashion, makeup, psychology, etiquette, and social issues. Social media is a cool way to connect and learn from others, but it's a double edged sword. So many people developed depression and other mental health issues due to being constantly linked and compared to others. I'm pretty grateful that I grew up as people were transitioning into the mainstream usage of technology instead of being born into it. Growing up with social media sounds like a recipe for disaster in regards to mental health and self-image.

As a college student, I would be desperate to take nice pictures of food and nature and share them to social media, but nothing would ever turn out the way I intended. It's definitely because the phones I had were very basic since that's all my family could afford. Once I got my first industry job, I bought a Pixel 3 and it was the first "nice" smartphone I owned, on par with Apple and Samsung phones in terms of photography and processing power. In October 2019 I went to go visit family in London for my first solo trip and took so many pictures!! I still look back on that month's album because the photos I took of the architecture, nature, and food are all gorgeous. I received so many compliments on my photography skills on Instagram- I felt like I could finally carry out my visions with that phone. :'D

The Pixel phones are fantastic for taking pictures of food, plants, and scenery while costing a fraction of the price as iPhones and Samsung Galaxies. I've since moved onto a Pixel 6, and the picture quality is still great. I'm shy about taking selfies and never really got into the habit- to be honest, I think there must be some selfie settings on my phone that I have not figured out how to use properly. My selfies always turn out a bit strange looking- I imagine it's because of the camera? On Tiktok, some of the face filters also don't work properly on the Pixel so I think those two things are related. I do like my selfies more on Galaxies and iPhones, but since I don't normally take them, I think it's fine to just stick with my Pixel.

Anyways, it's funny that I would get sad over all this when I was a student and try to take better photos to share, but now that I actually take good photos, I barely share them!! I think we all got tired of social media once the pandemic hit, and things have never really been the same since. But I figured that since I have the photo quality I desire now, and get many compliments on my shots still, it may be worth it to finally share them on here. I'm looking forward to it!!

[bandlforever-blog]

It's been awhile since I wrote anything. I'm not feeling so great. There so much going on and sitting here reflecting on it, I can only see the negative stuff. My work life sucks and my love life sucks.

I was never any good at my love life and I always put up with crappy partners. I'd think well as long as they love me who cares if I'm happy. But this last one....man it was a disaster! The guy had some good qualities but in the end he was not a very good person. I think he could dish it but he couldn't take it. He had a way of taking offense to everything that was said. He also used cuss words like it was everyday language including calling me the B word. But I don't cuss so when I speak my mind about something he does or says that I don't care for he accuses me of cussing him out. Yeah...I know....that was my reaction too!! You cuss at me day in and day out and you think me expressing myself is cussing you out????? What if I spoke to you the way you speak to me...would you be able to take it??

Seriously though, I wish you all the best. There are a number of things I didn't/don't like about you, that I put up with because it was you. I held my tongue and walked on egg shells so you wouldn't turn on me, that's actually not how I want to live my life.

Now that you're gone, I actually fear for my life. I fear that one day you'll come here and kill me, shoot up my house, or send someone to beat me to death. My current and fondest wish is that you don't think enough of me to put any effort into wiping me off the face of the Earth.

(Afterthought: I let you into my life, my safe zone, and told you all my secrets. I never lied to you and only expressed my true belief with anything that you asked me. But you snooped in my things, treated my things poorly, abused my kindness, misread me completely, talked down to me, cussed at me, accused me of things that weren't true, refused to hear my words and only believed what you wanted to believe, and then blamed me for all the issues, like you were so good to me and I was so bad to you. You openly admitted that you'd use my secrets against me and despite that, because of who I am, I still couldn't lie to protect myself from you and your vindictive hate-filled ways.)

Then there's work. I've been away for a bit but as I think about what I'm going back to, I begin to feel anxious. My heart rate increases and I want to cry. I'm not loving my job anymore. I just want to get away and stay away. I don't know what has changed, I just don't have the drive that I once had. I know my conversation before I went away made me feel like the work that I did do wasn't good enough. You say you took responsibilities away from me expecting me to do better at what you did give me. I felt like I grew even just a little bit and you poo poo all over that and just don't acknowledge it at all. Like you're saying well yeah you SHOULD have done that and this too. I did what you proposed all except 1 day and I moved things forward but got nothing completed so you feel like I didn't do anything, but everything that we talked about having done had some sort of activity done on it. You are basically making me feel like I'm a failure like I'm not good enough. And you know what, you're probably right. I'm fed up with all of this and I'm becoming a poor performer because of it. I should fear getting fired but right now, I just want to get away and stay away. I want to become a minimalist (actually not sure if this is the correct term for what I'm picturing) maybe and just not need to work like I do. Besides my vacations, I don't live above my means, but if I could pay off my next vacations, sell everything I own that could be sold and only keep the bare essentials....then find me a low cost place to live, quit my job, and do a combination of living off my savings and working a less stressful job, I'd want to do that.

That's where my mind is right now.

[archenemyintellegence]

(24/11/2022)

Should've posted this the day it happened but I was barely existing in the material realm due to group presentations. Also the pictures I took are bad but I had a class right after it so I couldn't retake the pictures.

I took a course about Chinese art and the teacher invited an artist to have a talk and do some demonstrations. His name is 徐沛之.

My only experiences in doing Chinese art were the ink painting course I took and the Chinese ink calligraphy homework I needed to do when I was in primary school. The lack of experience prevented me from fully admiring his skills but I was still blown away by his demo. Man writing with the brush so silky smooth and every stroke is perfect. If you tried writing with a brush before, you probably know it's difficult to use. And it's more difficult if you are doing Chinese calligraphy as each stroke has so much details on it. Other than the strength on different part of a stroke, you have to pay attention on how to start a stroke and end a stroke beautifully. It's so difficult and he just did it effortlessly.

Besides of the calligraphy, he drew something in the demo too. One of his drawings is the shrimp and crab. Due to the texture and the great quality of the paper, ink of each stroke bled but every stroke can still be seen clearly. It worked perfectly on showing the translucency of the shell of the shrimp, as well as showing the fuzzy fur of the crab. With the clean strokes, they look so alive and adorable too.

After the crustaceans, he drew mosquito with a small brush. I guess mosquito is extremely rare in Chinese painting so it makes the experience of witnessing someone draw it more valuable. His brush control is so insane that he is able to draw a mosquito in its original size with strokes so tiny that we can barely see it. He then drew a bigger version so we can see the details clearer. It's just wild. Besides the mad skills, the paper he used for the mosquito drawing was different from the other drawings and calligraphy. As the bleeding will ruin the small details of the mosquito, he drew it on an a4 paper that we used for printing instead.

Earlier that week, I went to an ink painting exhibition with my class and talked about it with my father. He told me that there're colors in the bleed out of ink if you see closely. Due to so many reasons (e.g. sleepy af, everyone is looking at the same drawing at the same time, dim lighting), I couldn't see it that day. So I paid extra attention to try to see if its real in the demo. I even went to bed early for that. Turns out its real. There're subtle changes in the color of ink when its drying, like when its wet its bluer and when its dry the color is warmer. Also there're subtle colors in each strokes, which are more apparent if its a soft, wet stroke and the bleed out part of the stroke. You can pay attention to it if you have the chance to see an ink painting.

Overall, the demonstration was an amazing experience. Even better, my teacher showed her own Chinese paintings after the demo for us to watch. The whole lesson was so inspiring. I thought Chinese ink painting was boring because every lesson it's just the teacher talking about stuff and the drawings look kinda similar. This lesson changed my mind completely. Looking at the artist creating drawings so cleanly is like magic. It definitely sparked my curiosity on Chinese ink painting. I wish I have more lessons like that but it was the last lesson of the course. Every lesson should be like that so I don't have to try my best to stay awake in the morning. However, I know that it's difficult for my teacher to arrange even one lesson like that so I am thankful that it happened.

[erwinsvow]

𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐥𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.

summary: zeke knows it’s wrong. you know it’s wrong. yet something always brings you back to your step-dad when your mom’s not around.

warnings: step-cest, manipulation, infidelity, mommy issues, zeke is the devil incarnate and reader is an angel (figuratively.. for now), oral sex (f receiving), fingering, dacryphilia, daddy kink, praise kink, rough sex, creampie, you've been warned!

author's note: lord knows how long i've been thinking about this one. zeke fuckers, this one is for you. tagging @colossalnova ! hope everyone likes it!

“It must be so nice to have such a good daughter to take care of you,” Mr. Ksaver comments without a second thought, as you head towards the kitchen to get two cups of coffee for Zeke and his friend. Your lips turn up into a pleased smile as soon as you hear the words, delighted with the praise from someone so close to your step-father.

Zeke makes an effort to hide the smirk that comes to him so naturally, because if only Mr. Ksaver knew just how good of a daughter you were for him. But that’s a conversation for another day, he finally decides, turning back to his guest with a smile.

“Step-daughter,” he corrects with the most genuine look he can muster. He could fool a priest with that aura of ingenuity that he gives off without any effort, because after all, that’s how he had gotten you into this position in the first place.

Mr. Ksaver beams back at him, his close friend still completely in the dark.

“Oh, of course, but you two could fool anyone. Say, where’s your wife? I haven’t seen her in a while..” Tom trails off, and Zeke is glad for it. He doesn’t like talking about your mother, his new wife, if he can help it. Business trips and commitments at the salon kept much of her time occupied, leaving only brief interactions with you two, her so-called family. It didn’t take long for him to realize she had been this way most of your life, an absent parental figure since the departure of your father. As cruel as it was, he could easily see why you were the way you were.

Zeke thought you were a lot of things. Pretty was at the top of the list, along with innocent and insecure, but the biggest quality he could see in you, the one that just screamed out at him ever since that first time he had laid eyes on you, was people-pleaser.

It was so apparent in everything you did, from the modest way you dressed to the try-hard behavior you exhibited with teachers and your friends’ parents. He recognized quickly it was because your mother didn’t acknowledge any of it, not the dinners you made for the three of you or the sweet, thoughtful gifts and flowers on special occasions.

It was actually on Mother’s Day the previous year when he had been able to get you alone for the first time. The then-new Mrs. Yeager had booked a full day at the spa as a treat for herself, even though she barely had an ounce of motherly qualities in her body. She had tossed aside the bouquet you had gifted her with, skimmed the card with your sweet, handwritten note, and rolled her eyes at your own watery ones after seeing just how little she cared about this holiday that was meant for you both to celebrate.

After she had left, Zeke had knocked on your door tentatively. It was wrong of him to be as gleeful as he was on the inside, but he’d been waiting for a moment like this for the last several months. He even let twenty minutes pass before coming up to your room to make sure he would get you teary-eyed and upset, just how he wanted.

Any other girl might have told her new step-father to fuck right off, given that he had done nothing to defend you or ask your mother to be kinder towards you, but not you. Ever the people-pleaser, you wiped away your tears with the sleeves of the cardigan you’d been wearing all day, fixed yourself from the position you had been in while weeping on your bed, and told him to come in.

Zeke was fucked the minute he saw you sitting there, dressed purely like an angel in a sundress that had ridden up in your distress and with tear-lidden eyelashes blinking slowly at him. The redness of your nose and cheeks, mixed with how your hair was just a little messed up and your hiccuping whimpers painted an entirely different picture for him. At first, it had just been a game, just to see how long it would take him to seduce his new wife’s daughter, but now it was something else altogether.

But it’s the first sentence you say to him, alone in the house without your wretched mother for the first time, that breaks him.

“S-Sorry Zeke. I didn’t want to eat after that, but I can go get everything ready again for you.” For him. Your mother’s cold behavior had you crying your eyes out before noon, and yet you were still concerned about the lunch you had prepared and if he wanted to eat.

It made his heart burn in a lecherous way, with thoughts in his head about why he hadn’t married you instead of her.

“That’s okay, honey, don’t worry about me. I came to check up on you.” He’s holding up the facade well, he thinks, closing the door gently behind him and hearing the click of the latch. He’s only been in your room a handful of times, and for most of those occasions, you hadn’t been there, so he couldn’t act too comfortable. His eyes roamed around the space, taking in the sweet scent of your perfume that lingered on every object and shoving his hands into his pockets to seem as unassuming as possible.

You wipe away a stray tear, blinking quickly and looking back at him with big eyes. Damn your eyes, honestly, because he knows he doesn’t stand a chance against them, especially when they’re so watery like that.

“Check up on me?” you let out in a soft voice. It’s adorable, honestly, how you think your new step-father would be just like your mother and not care about you at all. You’re not used to this kind of affection from anyone besides your friends from school, and even they don’t know about the reality of your home life. You don’t know what it’s like to have a parent check up on you, to have them want to make sure you’re okay, and suddenly you can feel your face burning with heat at the realization that you and Zeke are all alone in your bedroom.

Zeke is handsome according to anyone’s standards, but for some reason, you can never tear your eyes away from him when he doesn’t know you’re looking. He’s old enough to be your father—your real father, that is—but that doesn’t stop you. You always find yourself staring at his golden locks that shine especially bright when he’s in the sun after his daily run, when you’re watering your garden and your mother isn’t home from work yet. Or when he’s just left the shower and every part of his body is dripping wet, walking back to his bedroom and you catch a glimpse through your open door.

It’s easy to think of him as off-limits, though, since you would never hurt your mother like that. She doesn’t show you affection, or care about you like how your friends’ mothers care for them, but she’s still your mom. Nothing would ever justify betraying her like this, by having these illicit thoughts about your step-father. So you make sure you stop staring, avoid being alone with him as much as you can and create excuses to get out of spending time with him, but you don’t think any of that is really working.

Because now, with Zeke in your bedroom and the sleeves of your cardigan wet with far too many tears, you don’t really care if this is wrong. All you care about is how Zeke is inching closer to your bed with every step.

“Yeah, sweetheart, I wanted to make sure you were okay after all that. It’s not easy, I know,” he says in such a soothing tone that you feel yourself getting lost in the daze of it.

“You know?” you question again, wondering if Zeke could really relate to you. You had always felt like such an outcast, the poor girl nobody loved or wanted, without any love in her life at all.

“Uh-huh, I know. I really hate that your mother won’t treat you better, but you know her, she’s not gonna change,” he watches your nodding face and resigned expression. “Can I-?” he motions to the space next to you on the bed.

“Oh, sure, please,” you say quickly, moving yourself over a bit and making room for him, dress exposing even more of the soft skin of your legs now. He tries not to stare, and every part of him wants to put a hand on your thigh and stroke softly, but he doesn’t want to scare you off. Not yet. He’ll take his time.

“Thank you for saying that.” Your voice is so quiet he almost doesn’t hear it.

“Of course. I mean, you are my daughter now, aren’t you?” He’s pushing his luck, but oh well. “I guess… it’s sort of my responsibility to take care of you, right?”

He sees your eyes widen a little, probably a million thoughts running through your little head. You’re so used to being alone, not having anyone’s affection, that a few simple words from Zeke have you fucked. Probably feeling the same way he is in this moment, eager and affectionate and ready. You find yourself nodding at his sweet words.

Any other day, you might have doubted the sincerity of what he was feeding you, but your mind was already a little fuzzy from the interaction with your mother. You still don’t know why you had gotten your hopes up so much, when it always led to disappointment in the end. You wish you could go back and warn yourself not to expect so much from your mother, who was almost as absent a parental figure as your father.

In that moment, Zeke’s kind words and welcoming arms didn’t seem so bad. You could only imagine that he felt the same way you did, as you doubted your mother was being a good wife to him from the interactions you observed.

“I…” you begin, but trail off when you notice the way Zeke’s eyes are looking at you. You almost instinctively lean back and away from him, like a lamb avoiding a predator, when you focus on how he’s much too close to you.

You’re entirely overwhelmed by his piercing, concerned gaze and the uncomfortable heat you feel between your thighs—your throat runs dry and you know it’s not from the crying. You think he must notice it too, with the way he leans forward, one more movement from him and you’d be trapped between Zeke’s broad figure and your bed.

He supposes that was the make-or-break moment in this little dalliance between you two. In that moment, had you been uncertain or asked him to leave, he would have listened to you and likely never bothered you again. All the same, he knew you wouldn’t.

You look back fondly on that Mother’s Day, the day you gave yourself over to Zeke without the slightest bit of regret. Your mother had returned home later that night, with nails and hair freshly done, acting as though there could have been no better way to spend Mother’s Day. She walked right past you sitting on the couch with Zeke, ignoring his tousled hair and your swollen lips.

Since then, it had been a fun sort of game. You felt guilty, of course, but nothing could compare to the thrill of the secret you had with Zeke, just for you two and no one else. He was more adventurous than you, always sneaking kisses and lingering touches when your mother was just a room away, fucking you roughly with a hand clasped over your mouth while she was on a conference call in her office down the hall.

Over time, you felt yourself becoming adventurous too. You had never done anything like this before, anything remotely bad or wrong, and it was safe to say that you were sinking further and further into the pit of corruption that Zeke had created.

Which is how you ended up here today.

You brought back two steaming cups of coffee on a platter to the living room, setting them down and mixing in cream and sugar for Zeke’s. You hand the cup to him with a sweet smile, and he takes a sip contentedly.

“Just perfect, like always.” The praise makes you smile widely, cheeks feeling warm despite the fact that you had a guest.

“How do you take your coffee, Mr. Ksaver?” you ask politely, as the elderly man laughs and takes the cup into his hand.

“Just plain black, thank you. I never had a taste for sweet things, like Zeke does.” If only he knew.

You smile again and bid goodbye, taking the tray with you as you leave and heading back to your room. You knew Zeke would be up as soon as he was done, since your mother was still out and you had precious time together, all alone.

As soon as you heard the front door close, and the sound of ignition starting from outside your window, you were alert. You could hear Zeke’s footsteps coming up the staircase, eagerly anticipating him this time.

He doesn’t knock anymore, letting himself in and closing the door gently behind him, as always. You hear the lock click quietly.

“Daddy,” you mumble from your place on your bed. You’re lying against the pillows now, fully on display for him in his favorite dress and already wet at the thought of what he would do to you once he got you alone.

“Yes, honey?” He says, in a tone that’s sincere and mocking at the same time. He’s still by the door, not coming in further like you want him to. He wants you to use your words.

“You said once we were alone..”

“Once we were alone, what? That I’d play with you?” You nod dumbly at his words. He inches closer to you, but still entirely too far away for your liking.

“I want you, Daddy. We only have a little bit before she gets back,” and you know you’re in for it now.

“Oh, is that so? We only have a little time?” Before you can process it, Zeke is hovering above you, a firm hand on your wetness teasing you and making you cry out at the sudden pressure. His hand moves slowly, just barely grazing your clothed clit and you whimper. “Let me tell you something, baby,” he whispers right next to your ear. “I’ll take as much time with you as I want, no matter who else is in this house. You got that?”

You let out a strangled moan at his words, knowing the effect they have on you and the uncomfortable wetness between your legs becoming even more prominent. You could swear that he can see how wet you are, even with your panties still on, and you desperately jerk up onto his hand to get some, any, contact.

“D-daddy, please! I-” you break off into another moan as he rubs your clit firmly. You’re not even sure when he took your panties off, but you can feel two of his fingers prodding at your slit, just waiting as he continues his work.

“Does that feel good, baby? Use your words,” he says, teasing you despite how badly you want him to stop and just be inside you already. Another strange feeling bubbles in your chest, knowing that your mother would be home soon and could be pulling into the driveway right now. You can hardly focus on those thoughts though, letting out a loud squeal when Zeke pushes two fingers into your soaking wetness, stopping at his knuckles.

“Oh god, Daddy, that feels so good, please, please keep going-” the rest of your words disappear as he pushes his thick fingers completely in, marveling at the way you’re so stretched out around them.

“Good girl, baby, you’re doing so well.” You keen at the praise, moaning loudly as he continues fingering you, scissoring his digits inside you and getting you prepared for his cock. He knows he’s on a time limit too, but he’ll be damned if he lets that rush him. No, he needs to take his time with you.

Every time he feels the tightness of your hole, it takes him back to that first time, and he refuses to hurry up.

His thumb rubbing circles on your clit as he pumps his fingers in and out quickly, filling the room with a lewd squelching noise, have you seeing stars before long. Every time Zeke touches you, you wonder how you went so long without it. Your own actions when you touch yourself are nothing compared to his anymore. He’s got you so dependent on him, so reliant that you barely want to cum by yourself anymore.

He slows his actions just for a second, just to pull down the front of your sundress and reveal your tits to him. Zeke increases his speed as he latches his mouth around your hardening nipple, flicking with his tongue and taking the pebbled bud between his teeth, tugging slightly and making you cry out as it suddenly becomes too much to handle.

You’re succumbing to the orgasm before you even know it, waves of pleasure washing over your body as the knot in your stomach finally releases and fills your core with heat.

“Good girl, baby, cum for Daddy now,” he says from his place on your chest.

“Daddy! Daddy, I-! Oh!” You know how pathetic you must sound, screaming and moaning helplessly as Zeke doesn’t let up on his actions. You finally put your hand on top of his and make him look up, into your eyes, and press his lips to yours.

A sloppy, hot kiss in the aftermath of your orgasm has you shaking under his grip, entire body feeling hot and sweaty. He pushes his fingers, slick with your wetness, to your lips and you open without any request for him, sucking and rolling your tongue over the digits until they’re all clean.

“Good girl,” he breathes into your neck, whether he places more sloppy kisses. “You ready for Daddy to fuck you?”

You nod meekly, moaning loudly as you feel Zeke align himself with your slit, and letting out a high-pitched squeal when he pushes himself into you entirely. You choke on your breath at the sudden feeling of fullness, completely ignoring the way Zeke’s focus seems to be on something else.

Perfect timing, he thinks to himself, hearing the car pull into the driveway and knowing his dear wife had arrived home. He was too deep inside of you to care, though.

Zeke pulled his hips back slowly, wanting you to feel every inch of him, and then slammed them down harshly. For every motion of his hips, you released a loud, obscene moan, babbling on without making any sense at all as Zeke fucked you.

All you could process were Zeke’s reassuring praises, calling you a good girl as he continued at a brutal pace, fucking you so hard you couldn’t figure out where you stopped and he began.

He picked up the pace and the angle of his cock stretched you out so perfectly, he was hitting against your clit with every thrust and you could swear you were seeing stars again, so close to the edge and screaming out for him, when he clasps a hand over your mouth quickly.

You reacted with a jolt, unsure of why he suddenly silenced you when he placed a kiss right next to your ear, whispering quietly.

“Looks like she’s home. Be quiet for Daddy, okay, baby?” Your eyes widen in panic, flustered with shame and another feeling you can’t put together when Zeke goes back to his quick pace, fucking you rapidly and giving your clit the contact you so desperately needed. You cum again with a stifled, broken noise leaving your mouth and your body jerking up against his, the hand that wasn’t covering your mouth holding you down in place. You feel yourself clench down on his cock, as he rides you through it, thrusting in and out and doing nothing to stop the vulgar noises that fill the room.

You can hear it now—the steps of your mother coming into the house, and probably up the stairs to her office soon enough. Your heavy breathing coupled with Zeke’s grunts are the only sound left as his hips stutter and you feel hot ropes of cum shoot inside you, filling you up. Zeke finally comes to a halt, pressing a kiss to your lips as you hear your mother walk right outside your door, talking to someone on the phone.

Your panicked eyes meet his perfectly calm ones, a devilish smirk playing at his lips as you hear the steps halt and then continue again, walking by your room as though you didn’t even exist.

You release a sigh, Zeke pressing another kiss to you that you return eagerly.

“Good girl. Now clean up while Daddy goes and deals with her.”

You feel suddenly emptier, lighter as Zeke lifts his weight off of you and adjusts his clothes. You sit back up slowly, careful to not make an even bigger mess and ruin your dress, as Zeke grabs your panties off the floor and hands them to you with a smile. You pull them up, fixing your dress and realizing that you need to run a brush through your hair before you see your mother again.

Zeke unlocks the door and leaves with one last smile gracing his face, as you sit up and feel remnants of your encounter inside you.

Moments later, your mother walks by and glances at your open door, which was locked before. She pushes it open, taking a look at you on the bed. You’re certain you look like a mess, hair disheveled and sweat on your body, with limbs feeling like jelly.

“Hi, mom,” you greet, with the most false enthusiasm you can muster. “What is it?” She looks at you coldly, almost as if she knew something was going on and couldn’t quite place it.

“Clean yourself up, honey, Uncle Eren is coming over for the weekend.”