#i will probably go to the hospital soon but i was prescribed meds to help first but i cant have dairy 1 hr before or 2 hrs after

[bluedalahorse]

Updates below the cut, as I expressed the story of yesterday in somewhat comedic terms, but I’m sure the subtext was concerning.

So yesterday I went into work under a lot of stress about the various deadlines I have to meet. I also noticed I was developing an ear infection. I get those a lot because I have tiny ear canals and sometimes with congestion from fall allergies the whole ENT system gets fucked up. As such I know what an ear infection feels like, so I figured I’d leave work early, go to the urgent care down the road, get some antibiotics, and go home to rest and meet my writing deadline.

Well, I went to the urgent care and after waiting three hours or so they were like, you have an ear infection but your blood pressure is super high, and we need to send you to the ER to lower it. (I have a family history, and with the amount of stress I’ve been under lately, I imagine genetics decided it was time to kick in.) I was freaking out at that point because I hadn’t had dinner yet, and what they were talking about sounded like… idk, how long was I gonna be in the hospital? Forever? And that shit is expensive even with insurance, so, you know.

So I asked if I could call @coruscantrhapsody to come get me. I knew I needed to go to the ER but also that I didn’t want to go, and that I would try to get out of it because I was scared and tired and yet try to make myself appear competent at all costs. I also knew she could convince me to go. So she came to me at the urgent care right away, and she brought plush Sara and plush August, and we made plans to go to the ER together.

And honestly, she got me through it like a champ. We coped through silly jokes and dark humor, and a little bit of singing of Disney songs. When the nurse took my blood sample (which came back in good shape, thankfully) she said it was totally appropriate for Halloween. Then she got me home before midnight and now is working from home today while I stay home. I’ll probably be taking tomorrow off too. I’m going to walk to the pharmacy soon to pick up the meds they prescribed me and then I’m going to come back home and not deal with logistics until the afternoon at least.

I still have some deadlines to meet, but they’re going to be shifting now and I think I can get some extensions for the stuff I need to get extended on. And I think this is the basis of a conversation with my employer about like. Idk. I woke up today 95% grateful for the people who love and care for me and who helped me out yesterday, and I’m also grateful that I lucked out with doctors and nurses that night because the medical system is honestly terrible, but 5% of me is like Fuck The Grind that got me here. You know? And I can sort of bookmark that idea and come back to it when I’m ready. Which I will do. But first, it is time to rest. I can deal with everything else after I rest. And I got home in time to listen to the old War of the Worlds radio play tonight and enjoy it, and that’s incredibly important to me.

Tl;dr I spent an evening in the emergency room last night, hooked up to machines and holding an August Horn plushie in my lap, but I’m ok now thanks to my best friend’s care and all-around amazingness.

[frogofalltime]

day 8

today started off pretty good, i got up as soon as my alarm rang, had breakfast, got ready, took my meds etc

today my dosage was increased which is a bit scary but i can't say for certain if it's made anything better or worse

around midday i walked to the students union to meet my friends and on the way there i suddenly felt a sharp pain in my left side underneath my ribs. i have had some pain there since the weekend, it was hurting when i coughed, but this new pain was constant and much worse. it made it hard to walk but i didn't have much further to go so it was okay

we held some beautiful creatures at the students union !!! i never imagined that i would one day have a skunk asleep curled up on my lap but here we are. i was so happy that i forgot about the pain for a while.

afterwards i walked home because we had an online statistics exam at 1pm. however the pain got worse and worse and it was really hard to keep walking. i felt like i was going to throw up.

when i got home i procrastinated for a while before finally starting the exam. i was in a lot of pain which made it really hard to focus. luckily i get extra time and rest breaks in exams, because of disability accommodations, so i was able to take breaks to move around, go to the bathroom, eat lunch, etc.

i finished the exam, it took me around 2 and a half hours. i think i did well but i am not sure because the pain was so bad and it was distracting me a lot. i didn't want to take painkillers because i'm already on two medications and i feel like i have enough weird stuff in my bloodstream

i was going to go to a local protest for palestine with @wiggles-mcgee but it hurt too much to move so i had to stay home, unfortunately. i felt quite upset about this and i felt like i was stuck.

my mother called me and i told her what happened and she says i probably pulled a muscle at the weekend from coughing too violently and then it was triggered today when i was walking ?? idk. she told me to rest as much as possible and not leave the house until it feels better.

after she put the phone down i procrastinated for a few hours because i was going to study and then cook dinner but i didn't have the energy to do either of those things (because i had socialised then sat an exam and then talked on the phone, all of which take a lot of energy from me)

then i got a message from @etherealspacejelly saying they were feeling really bad side effects of the meds and had to go to hospital. so of course that made me panic a lot, especially since i couldn't go with him because i live 10 minutes away and i literally can't walk

i had a pretty bad meltdown. it lasted quite a while. when that finally subsided i was feeling far too sick to cook or eat. and i was also still very worried and constantly checking my phone. i couldn't do anything else because of anxiety.

also i found out you're not supposed to take adhd medication if you're on antidepressants or have mental illnesses ?? but my doctor prescribed it to me anyway even though i have all those things ??

i talked to robin for a while and they realised that i hadn't eaten and encouraged me to get some food. so i had some soup and toast and nuts at around 2am. which is a weird time to eat a meal, i know, but it had been over 12 hours since lunch and i couldn't sleep anyway so it made sense

now i'm procrastinating washing my dishes. robin is finally home from the hospital after many hours. the doctor said it's okay and the meds should settle down in a few weeks ?? which kind of sucks because why would you have to keep taking medications that make you ill ?

i'm going to wash my dishes and then i think i will shower before i go to bed because i feel very weird and my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy so maybe it will help. it's literally 4am. yeehaw

honestly i was very unproductive today but that's because i went to meet the animals in the morning, had an exam in the afternoon and i was in so much pain, and then the hospital situation happened, so i definitely have an excuse. also i am worried about having a similar reaction to the medication as robin, because he is feeling very unwell from it, and i don't want that to happen to me as well :/

so yea stay tuned for more updates i really hope the pain in my left side goes away soon so i don't have to visit the hospital too

[fanby-fckry]

Content Warning: medical/hospitals, emeto; if you’re at risk for sympathy nausea, don’t read this.

TLDR: Message replies may be slow due to Symptoms™️. I am safe, just straight up not having a good time right now.

…

My prescriber said that the nausea from the withdrawals would go away almost as soon as I started taking my meds again. Specifically that it was one med in particular, and there’d be a “noticeable difference,” as soon as I took it.

But uhh… I’m not feeling it.

And this provider is new + we didn’t have time to go over a lot of details of my medical history because I was trying to explain the situation with my meds while having no coherent thoughts and a fuckton of anxiety and nausea, so I don’t think she knows that I have an additional physical condition that just… causes extreme nausea from time to time? And often gets set off by nausea from unrelated conditions?

Like, if I get the flu, there’s a good chance I’ll wind up in the hospital on an IV because it set off the other condition and I’ll so nauseous that I can’t even keep fluids down.

It happened multiple times as a preteen and teen and once as an adult. I’ve mostly got a handle on it now; I know ways to manage my symptoms before they start the Endless Cycle of Nausea, but there’s a point where those methods fall short. And I’m scared this might be it.

It doesn’t help that I’m getting emotional over other shit and there’s an emotional component to things. Underlying chronic illness + physical illness, withdrawals, and/or stress -> nausea -> anxiety/stress about symptoms -> increased nausea -> vomiting -> dehydration -> increased nausea -> repeat until hospital.

I’m trying my usual methods – the ginger chews and crackers and breathing exercises and keeping myself hydrated and eating when I’m hungry, eating slowly, avoiding irritants…

Oh fuck I just remembered, I let my dumb withdrawal cravings trick me into eating pickles earlier today because I was feeling better. Past me is a dumbass, vinegar is an irritant. Fuck.

I’d make a joke about shaking past me by the shoulders, but that sounds like a great way to make the nausea worse and I don’t wanna jinx myself lol.

Uhhh so yeah that’s what’s up with me. If I have delayed replies to messages, it means I got motion sick scrolling. Because that’s a thing my brain has decided makes me nauseous. Also, probably gonna avoid scrolling the dash for a while for that same reason, and also some gifs can set it off as well. Shaky camera, 1st person POV, stuff like that. And idk if people tag that/what they tag it for, so there’s not a good way to avoid it.

[tsukidrama]

okay so like as im typing this out i feel lowkey pathetic as fuck but i just easily had the worst day of my entire life and i lowkey need somebody anybody who wasn't with me to tell me "im glad you're okay and u didn't deserve all of that"

i frew up....... for 16 hours nonstop 🤪 literally nonstop!!!! i am not exaggerating even a little bit!!!! it was constant and i have never been so scared that i was gonna die. can you even fucking die from throwing up? probably not but once you hit a certain point it really really really feels like it.

it was so bad that we had to call my mom. and still with both her and mars tending to me like i was a baby, literally doing everything for me from getting me water to changing the tempature or fixing my blankets, it didn't help even a little bit.

it started at 6pm. at 6am i was about to start slamming my head against the wall until i passed out so mama took me to urgent care. we got there as soon as they opened.

walked in there and broke down like i haven't broken down ever before in my life just begging for the pain to stop

this story actually has one of the happiest endings as far as my medical fiascos typically go. the doctor who came into see me was an actual literal angel on earth. i wanna buy him a card or flowers or some shit. a lot of the time i don't get a lot of sympathy with this condition (on account of me being "too young" for my IBS to be as severe as it is) but this fuckin man not only prescribed me some really good medicine but he actually stayed in the exam room with me for probably 45 minutes, specifically just calming me down and comforting me. and it worked. the meds were a big part of course but it was honestly the best therapy i've gotten in years. i have been in an out of hospitals/urgent cares/emergency clinics more than i can count. the medical bills i rack up are horrifying. and i swear to god that ive never ever encountered a medical professional anywhere near this level of compassionate. especially while sick and throwing up like that. probably 2/3rds of the time i get written off as "just having a panic attack"

[evilkitten3]

My friend is getting top surgery next month, I'm very glad that he's getting that weight off his chest. Since you've been through it all ready, could I ask for some advice on supporting him through the recovery process?

absolutely.

make sure he has someone/thing to reach the top shelf. he's not gonna be raising his arms above his shoulders for a while

make sure the pharmacy prescribing the pain meds understands that they're for treating the pain from the surgery, not for gender dysphoria. otherwise they simply will not give you pain meds. they may not even tell you that they have not given you pain meds. i recommend against finding this out the exciting way like i did (side note: surprisingly not that bad most of the time)

if it's the same for him as it was for me, he'll be on a 5 pound weight limit for three weeks, and then a 25 pound limit for another three weeks. this is going to affect more than anyone involved will realize. if he's gonna need to move anything heavy any time soon, he should do that before surgery

i had to switch to tylenol instead of ibuprofen a few weeks pre-surgery bc ibuprofen can increase risk of bleeding. if he's an ibuprofen guy, he may want to grab some tylenol just in case

i've heard different people have different experiences with the drains. for some people, that's the worst part. for me, it was pretty simple (although my mom handled most of the measuring). if you aren't going to be involved with keeping them clear/measuring the goop, try to remember to glance down every now and then just in case a cap was screwed on wrong and too much air got in there. probably not gonna be a medical emergency but you wanna keep an eye on them so they'll do their job.

does he have a ride to and from the hospital? this is a very important question bc if the answer is no, the surgery simply will not happen. they just won't do it.

what i got specifically was a double mastectomy with free nipple grafts. if he's getting the same, i cannot stress enough that the nipples will look weird for a while. this is probably nothing to worry about. they're supposed to do that. if he's still worried, he should check in with the surgeon or another qualified expert, but probably they'll just say "it's ok keep an eye on it and if it hasn't healed in [x amount of time] come back then"

he is going to be constantly reminding that all your bits and pieces are connected to one another. even the bits you aren't thinking about. it's gonna be weird.

if he has a dog, offer to walk the dog for him (or help him find someone else who can do it). dogs do not understand the importance of the surgery recovery process. don't let overly enthusiastic dogs happen to you (or in this case your friend)

get a spare binder. not the chest kind, the abdominal kind. you might wanna wash the first one (this will likely be provided by the hospital) and it's better to have two.

speaking of binders, at some point the bandages will come off. the binder will still be required (or, more accurately, highly recommended). this was, for me, Absolute Sensory Hell. i recommend you make sure he's got a few light, loose shirts he can wear under the binder just in case

this didn't end up being relevant to me, but my surgeon recommended my mom buy some puppy training pads in case of accidents (accidents is a word which usually implies pee, but here means bleeding. sometimes there be blood)

if he has cats, he's gonna need to be careful not to let them step on his chest. cats do not like being told where they can or can't step. i hope he has more willpower than i do

quite likely, he's already aware of a good chunk of this. your first step - and possibly only step - is to ask if there's anything he needs from you. if he's got things under control, have faith in him.

brace yourself for how happy he's gonna be once he sees himself topless after the drains come out and the bandages come off. i was pretty much bouncing over my reflection. the euphoria is real.

[neuroborreliosis]

in a fortuitous turn of events, i was able to begin - really actually begin - treatment yesterday.

i had grown tired of waiting for the call i was told i would receive when my blood work results arrived at the stram center. it's not that i don't trust my stram providers; rather, i don't trust albany med. they screwed up my blood work the first time, only drawing three of the nine vials they were ordered to draw. if not for the mix-up with my legal name (on my medicaid card, on my id) not matching up with the name listed on my blood work order, they probably wouldn't have even noticed they made a mistake. but they did, because i had to go back to the hospital a day after initially going to get the blood work done, have my doctor send over a new order with my legal name on it, and get the vials redrawn so they could be sent out for analysis. when the phlebotomist came in, she informed me that the day prior, whoever drew my blood (a younger phlebotomist who had struck me as frazzled, distracted) only drew a third of the amount he should have.

anyway, the stram center kept trying to reach out to them regarding my results - normally it can take up to two weeks, but it had been a month, and they still hadn't received anything. so yesterday, dillon accompanied me to the hospital where i asked the receptionist at the blood lab what happened to my results. she gave me a number to call along with two extensions, and told me the person on the line could search up my results for me. i called the number, that very same receptionist answered, which i thought was awkward and sorta funny, and she transferred me to whoever it was that was supposed to help me.

the woman on the other end of the line asked for my name, date of birth, and when it was that i came in for blood work. she looked me up under both my legal name and my actual name, and she came up with nothing. she told me she was going to do further digging and call me back. i told dillon i was fed up and pissed, how could a hospital just disappear nine vials of blood, especially today, when everything is computerized, accounted for, supposedly?

i told dillon fuck it, let's drive to the stram center, i'll get a new blood work order printed, make sure it has my legal name and sex on it (that was another issue, stram had my sex as M when it was never legally M...ugh) and go to labcorp to get new vials drawn. when i arrived, the lovely amazing helpful sweet receptionist named natalia looked me up in their system and saw that my bloodwork had in fact arrived a few days prior - i hadn't gotten a call from katie because she hadn't gone over the results yet. in a stroke of luck, katie had time before her next appointment, because the patient was late. so she took me into her office, went over the labs with me, sort of rushed but equally as thorough as always. b12 and vitamin D deficiencies. slightly better than the results from 8/2022, but mostly the same. i'm good to start antibiotics, she said! she prescribed me liquid D3 (a supplement called k2d3) and a liquid supplement called "methyl factors" that contained b12, b6, folate, and one other thing. and she sent in my rx for antibiotics - bactrim 160 mg and cefdinir 300mg. i was told to take two each per day, early and evening, and take the three different probiotics two hours between doses of antibiotics. i was told to start one antibiotic first, then add the second after 2-3 days. i took the first dose of bactrim last night, the second this morning. i am also taking l-glutathione at night, along with melatonin and my regimen of things that help me shit. i am still taking suboxone once a day, in the morning. i started taking the k2d3 (any time a day, once a day) and the methyl factors once a day, in the morning.

i'll update again soon, with more deets on how i'm feeling, how my body is responding to the treatment. for now, i'm tired, but i feel like the sicky is a herxy sicky, so that makes me hopeful.

[confused-and-dickless]

I love breathing. Love to be a part of it one day

[bex-la-get]

Take Care of You (Ethan x f!MC)

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Natalie Cusack

Special Appearance: Tobias Carrick

Word count: 2175

Summary: When Ethan falls sick, Nat steps in to take care of him.

Rating: T

Author’s Note: Hi, hello. It’s been a crappy week and I’m emotionally/physically exhausted. So here’s some fluff to counter the bad week. This is unedited, so please forgive any mistakes. Hope you like it. 💙

Ethan never got sick. Ever. Despite working in a hospital, surrounded by sick people on a daily basis, Ethan always managed to stay as healthy as possible. He had prided himself on his strong immune system and seemingly inability to fall ill.

Until today, that is. He woke with so much pressure in his sinuses, he thought his head would burst. Getting out of bed was a feat in itself, as his whole body ached. He sniffled as he made his way to the bathroom and nearly jumped at his own reflection: his eyes were puffy, his nose was red, and his posture was significantly slouched. He tried to stand up straight but only groaned as his body protested the movement. Today was going to be long.��

Pushing through, he swallowed a couple of DayQuils with his morning coffee, stuffed some tissues into his pocket, and gave Jenner a pat on the head before sluggishly making his way to work. 

Arriving at the hospital, he noticed the looks of surprise and concern that people gave him as he passed. He didn’t know why; it was just a little cold. It wasn’t like he had grown a second head. He rolled his eyes and continued towards the seventh floor, ignoring everyone he walked past. 

Finally arriving in the Diagnostics Office, he found himself breathing heavier than normal. As he sat at his desk, he attempted to take a deep breath but instead triggered a coughing fit. He grabbed a nearby Kleenex and coughed hard, his body wracking with the movement. He took a deep breath and coughed one last time before his lungs took pity on him and stopped causing him distress. Ethan groaned and dropped his head into his hands. 

“Ethan? You okay, man?” a voice said.

Ethan looked up to find Tobias looking at him with concern. He hadn’t even heard his old friend come in. He nodded and sighed. “Yeah; just a little under the weather today, is all.”

“If you’re not feeling well, you should probably go home,” Tobias suggested. “There’s no point in pushing yourself to further exhaustion.”

Ethan shook his head. “I’m fine; I just need the DayQuil to kick in.”

Tobias pursed his lips then clicked his tongue. “If you say so; Nat’s not gonna be happy to see you like this though.”

“See who like what?” the aforementioned doctor asked as she walked into the room. Natalie looked to Tobias first then Ethan, her eyes widening. “Woah, are you okay?” She quickly made her way over to Ethan and rested the back of her hand to his forehead. 

He weakly brushed her hand away. “I’m fine, Nat. Just a little under the weather.”

“I’d say more than a little; you look terrible!” She exclaimed. He frowned and she gave him a small smile. “Sorry babe, but it’s true.”

“I also walked in on him having a serious coughing fit a moment ago,” Tobias said. Ethan glared at Tobias but the latter deliberately avoided eye contact with him, choosing to look at his phone instead.

Natalie gently placed her hand on Ethan’s cheek and turned his face towards her so she could look at him. He watched as her eyes scanned his face and knew she was trying to figure out how sick he really was. He both loved and hated how well she knew him sometimes. “You should go home, Ethan.”

“I’m fine,” he argued. “I already took some meds, they just need to kick in.”

She pulled out her stethoscope and pointed it at him threateningly. “Go home or I’ll admit you.”

Tobias coughed back a chuckle and Ethan raised an eyebrow. “You do remember I’m your boss, right?”

She nodded as she put the headset into her ears and placed the cold chestpiece against his chest, making him jump. “You’re my boss, my boyfriend, and now, my patient. Breathe in.”

“Nat, this is ridiculous--” he argued but stopped when she glared at him.

“Breathe. In.” she repeated. Shaking his head in reply, he did as she said and found taking a breath was difficult. He fought the cough he could feel bubbling up but to no avail; thankfully, however, this cough was not nearly as violent as the last one. Nat pulled the chestpiece away and nodded. “Yeah, you’re a mess. You’re going home.” He opened his mouth to protest but she held up her hand. “Don’t argue with me on this. You’re in no state to work, let alone be around other sick patients.” 

She pulled out a prescription pad, scribbled something down then turned to Tobias and handed it to him. “Tobias, can you send this down to the pharmacy so they can get it filled? I’ll pick it up when it’s ready.”

He nodded and took the form. “Sure thing.” He turned to Ethan and smiled sympathetically. “Get better soon, Ethan. Nat’s not as fun to be around when she’s in charge.”

Natalie rolled her eyes and smirked as Tobias made his way out of the office. She turned back to Ethan and softened her gaze as he frowned and sniffled. She caressed his cheek with her hand. “I love you.”

His frown shifted to a small smile. “I love you too.” He sneezed.

“You see why I’m sending you home, right?”

He sighed and nodded. “Yeah; I do. I hate being sick. I always feel so useless.”

“You are still human, my love; and humans get sick from time to time. It’s normal.” She crouched in front of him and took his hands in hers. “I’ll come over after my shift and make you some soup, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that--” he weakly protested.

She shook her head. “I want to; let me take care of you, baby. Please.”

Sighing, he nodded and stood, bringing Natalie up with him. He reached for her but hesitated as he didn’t want to make her ill. She smiled at him and stood on her tiptoes to place a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Go home and get some rest. I’ll be there in a couple hours.”

He nodded. Sighing, he left the hospital and made his way home, his head in a fog for most of the journey. After safely arriving home, he changed into some more comfortable clothing, with the intention of getting some work done on his laptop; but the bed looked just so inviting. I guess I could lay down for a few minutes, he thought. Gently, he laid on the bed and closed his eyes. Five minutes is all I need. Within seconds, his body relaxed and he began to emit quiet snores, work completely forgotten.

-------------------------------------------

Several Hours Later

Ethan woke to the muffled sounds of the television and someone shuffling around in his kitchen. He groaned and got out of bed, padding his way to the source of the noise. As he exited the bedroom, he was greeted with the various sights of onion, tomato, and meat that were cooking on the stovetop. Unfortunately, due to his stuffed sinuses, he could barely smell anything but he presumed it was heavenly.

“Hi,” a voice said. He turned his attention to the source and smiled as Natalie approached him, throwing a hand towel over her shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“Not great,” he replied, truthfully.

She gently brought his forehead to her lips as she judged his temperature. She hummed as she pulled away. “You’re warm.” She turned around and grabbed a small box out of her purse then handed it to him. He looked it over appraisingly, realizing this must be the prescription Nat wrote out earlier. “Take one of these now; it should lower your fever and help you feel better. Go get comfortable, the soup will be ready soon.”

“You didn’t have to do all this, Nat,” he began.

“Of course I did,” she said, cutting him off. She rested a gentle hand on his back and guided him towards the sofa. “Now, relax and get comfy. I’m almost done.”

Ethan did as she said, plopping down on the couch. He opened the prescription box and took the prescribed medication as Jenner trotted over and rested his head in his master’s lap. Ethan patted the pup’s head soothingly, giving him a tired smile. “Has she been giving you orders today, too?” he asked.

“Unlike you, Jenner is a spectacular patient,” Nat answered from the kitchen. “He’s been very good and even earned himself a few treats for being so good.”

“Did you, now?” Ethan mused, looking down at Jenner. The pup, none the wiser to the conversation happening about him, simply wagged his tail and gave his best doggy smile to his owner. Ethan chuckled. “Good dog.”

Taking the remote, he flipped to the Classic Film channel and sunk lower onto the couch. He felt his body begin to shiver and grabbed the nearby throw blanket, covering himself with it. “God, this is awful. I hate being sick.”

“I know, my love,” Nat soothed. “But the meds I gave you should help. They just need time to kick in. And,” she walked over and placed a bowl of hot soup in front of him on the coffee table, “this should help too. It’s an old family recipe of Dani’s. It works wonders.”

“Speaking from experience?” he asked, leaning over, letting the steam from the hot bowl wash over his face. 

Nat nodded. “Yep. Both Dani and I got the flu within a week of each other when we were still living together. She made this soup for us and we both felt better almost immediately. I’m convinced it’s got magic powers.”

Ethan chuckled. “I’ll take your word for it.” He pulled the coffee table a little closer to the couch and smiled at Nat. “Thank you for making this.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, returning his smile. “Now, eat. I’ll be right there.”

Lacking the energy to argue, he did as she said, bringing a spoonful of the hot soup to his lips. Within minutes, Ethan felt the hot liquid warm up his body, which had been starting to feel cold. Nat smiled as she joined him with her own bowl, nodding in approval as he steadily ate. 

Nat filled him in on what he missed at work while they ate, which hadn’t been much, thankfully. Their new patient wouldn’t be admitted for another week so the team had just done some prep and research today but nothing else beyond that. Ethan asked a few questions as Nat explained but otherwise, remained quiet through their conversation. Nat raised an eyebrow, suspicious. “You’re being unusually cooperative. What’s the matter?”

He chuckled and placed his near empty bowl on the coffee table. “Nothing. I’m just feeling a little drained, is all.”

“Mm, I’m not surprised. When you get sick, it hits you like a freight train.”

He frowned. “Thanks.”

Nat chuckled and settled deeper into the couch. She opened her arms and gestured towards herself with her fingers. “C’mere.”

Needing no further invitation, Ethan maneuvered himself into Nat’s embrace, covering them both with the throw blanket he had still been wearing. As he relaxed in her arms, he wondered aloud, “Aren’t you worried about getting sick?”

She hummed. “Nah. But even if I was, it wouldn’t stop me from being here.” She ran her fingers through his hair. “I would take care of you, anytime.”

He looked up at her and smiled. “Thank you, Nat. You’re too good for me.”

“No, I’m not,” she replied, smiling. “We’re just the right amount of good for each other.” She kissed his head. “Can I get you anything else?”

He shook his head, tightening his hold around her midsection. “No. Just you.”

“I’m right here,” Nat reassured. 

“Love you,” Ethan murmured, his eyes fluttering closed.

“I love you too. Now, rest.” She gently leaned over and took the remote from the coffee table.

“Don’t watch the next episode of Bake Off without me,” Ethan said, his voice drowsy.

Nat chuckled. “I wouldn’t dare. When you’re feeling better, we’ll pick up where we left off.” When he didn’t respond, she glanced down to find that Ethan had fallen asleep. Smiling to herself, she turned on an old favorite film of hers and watched, while running her fingers up and down Ethan’s back. 

It would be a few more days before Ethan was back in top shape; but Nat took care of him the entire time. From bringing him food to ensuring he rested instead of working, Nat took better care of Ethan than he had ever done himself when he had been sick in the past. He’d never been so well taken care of before, and it made him all the more grateful to have her in his life. He’d always hoped she’d take over the DT for him one day; and after the way she cared for him, he knew the team would be in the best possible hands. And so would he.

Tag List (let me know if you want to be added or removed): @genevievemd @jamespotterthefirst @paulfwesley @ethansdique @openheartfanfics @perriewinklenerdie @little-flowers-on-heaven @stateofgracious @coffeeheartaddict @liaromancewriter @potionsprefect @mm2305 @gryffindordaughterofathena @actuallybored @writer-ish @queencarb @takeharryandgo @lsvdw-blog @itsjustwinter @chaoticchopshopheart @ohchoices @maurine07 @oldminniemcg @parisa-kh @shanzay44 @uberamsey @izzyourresidentlawyer @adiehardfan @custaroonie @mia143 @a-crepusculo @takemyopenheart @toadfrog26 @quixoticdreamer16 @barbean @headoverheelsforramsey @natureblooms24 @jerzwriter @crazy-loca-blog @dorisz @thegreentwin @cryomyst @kalinahonore @choicesficwriterscreations @rosebudde @trappedinfanfiction @custaroonie​

[headpainmigraine]

had bad tremors earlier and I was feeling really shaky and irritable. i suspected an oncoming migraine and took a relpax, and I think I was right because it still hit, if later on.

and then I woke up at 2am with hallucinations again and now I’m awake and in discomfort and sad.

I’m pretty sure the migraines have gotten worse. I’m having auras now and the pain is ridiculous. It’s never been this bad, and it’s been 7+ years since the migraines started.

my neuro doesn’t suggest going into hospital for migraine, but IDK what else there is to do when it’s that bad. three days at a near-constant 9 on the pain scale, I was a living corpse, I don’t know how I managed.

I can only hope the lyrica starts working soon and that I get some semblance of a life back. doesn’t help that I have to fight with my GP every single time, like they haven’t already given me one dose of Lyrica, like they don’t have my neurologist’s letter asking for said dose. 

I sort my meds for the next two weeks in pillboxes and had run out of the lyrica. i’d already had to go cold turkey coming off the lamotrigine because the idiots don’t seem to understand what ‘titrating down’ means and sent me 200mg when I needed 50.

I BEGGED in the message to them for help. I told them I can’t do this anymore and then pleaded with them, literally, in caps.

And they came back with a sarcastic ‘maybe you should call your neuro and chase up the ltter, we can’t prescribe you the meds if we don’t know what we’re prescribing...’ despite the fact that I’d physically sent them the letter, and that I’d already had my first dose.

They probably found the letter on their systems after looking again, because they approved the prescription, but they didn’t apologise to me, or say anything about it to me at all.

And then I get a call saying that the pharmacologist is complaining that I had enough lyrica on my last prescription, why am I asking for more? So I walk them through the instructions on my neurologist’s letter, because apparently my layperson’s understanding of the neuro’s instructions is greater than that of the people working in the fucking business.

Why the hell did I have to talk this person through what ‘titrating up’ means?? I told them I’m on 75mg x2 right now and that I have to go up to 200mg x2 so I need either a lot more 25mg tablets or a mix of 100mg and 25mg so I can keep increasing the dose. WHY DID I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT?

The fuck, I can’t cope with this as it is. I’m in constant pain, I’ve been in agony the last month because it’s been particularly bad, and now I have to argue with the GPS and explain what my neurologist is talking about just to get the meds that HE PRESCRIBED?!

It’s a controlled drug, but still. Like fuck I would just be randomly asking for pregabalin, it’s not like they don’t have my case notes, it’s not like I didn’t call them to make them aware of my situation when I moved here.

And I’m understanding about the pressure on the system because of the pandemic, I have been throughout, waiting on my neuro because they’re crushed (although I’m pretty sure I slipped off their list by mistake and they only realised when I called them about the hallucinations)

But I can’t do this on my own. I can’t KEEP calling them and fighting for the requests for medication eery single fucking time. I can’t. I don’t have the energy or the spirit, I’m in so much pain all the time, I can’t do this, I just can’t cope. I can’t cope.

How can you work in the medical field and not understand the impact of long term chronic pain on someone’s body and mind and spirit? Why do I have to explain the simplest shit to them like I know what the fuck I’m talking about?

If you have an ongoing chronic issue in the medical world, they don’t know what the fuck to do with you, that’s it. If you need their help beyond one visit and a handful of pills, they bluescreen. It’s exactly like asking a computer to do something outside their programming, they don’t understand, they spit out a load of error messages at you and then they stop working, these things that are supposed to enhance life

if you DON’T have a chronic condition that requires multiple doctor’s visits and wrangling multiple specialists, you CAN’T understand what it’s like to exist in the world as a disabled person. it is painful and it’s difficult and the things in place to ‘help us’ are part of the problem. you just can’t understand how difficult life is like this.

[cl0udpup]

Big sigh

*Still figuring out moving over from Twitter to Tumblr, but for now, I'm just gonna flush out my threads here and see how that goes...*

Anxiety dreams

I had disturbing, surreal, End Of The World, running from cops, moving through portals, being broke and homeless, anxiety dreams all morning. Woke up with my neck stiff and swollen for the second day in a row, exhausted. I took a rapid last night, came out negative, but it's hard to trust testing now with new variants. I have allergy shots in an hour, and I really don’t wanna go, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I miss it. Last time I missed a week, I suffered with extreme hives and asthma symptoms.

...

I did it

I went to the shot. Still feeling like shit. Still testing negative for c19.

I’ve been staying up late the past few nights, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Winter is really tough on my body (and mind.) The dry air makes my skin swell up, and I get all tense and hot. I couldn't manage to wear a coat outside, even though it's 30 degrees out, because it makes it so much worse once I go inside. They keep the hospital sooo warm.

I need to get a humidifier running in my office, but this room is like 80 sq ft, so I'm concerned about where it will go, it getting knocked over, or the water getting on my computer. I have cords allll over the floor bc I have no idea how to do cord management. But yeah, my sinuses are so incredibly dry and swollen, which is causing this headache I'm sure, and probably the stiff neck.

Adderall

Enough complaining... In more interesting news, today is my first day on Adderall, 10 mg XR. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel anything. I was feeling shitty *before* taking it, so all those symptoms above are unrelated. Although, if this causes any similar symptoms, not sure if I'll be able to tell it apart.

I guess one thing I noticed this morning; it was less excruciating waiting the 30 minutes required to stay at the hospital after my allergy shot. Usually I set a timer, check it exasperatingly every few minutes, pacing and sighing, literally feel like I'm being tortured waiting lol. It usually feels like an hour even tho it’s only half. I have no idea if the med could be helping with that restlessness so soon, but. Worth noting I suppose.

Trauma effects everything

I met with the new psychiatrist who prescribed it on Monday. She asked all the typical intake type questions, and went over my initial survey from the ADHD assessment. Again, the ADHD assessment really was not specific to ADHD, other than the awful computer button clicking bullshit test thing they made me do.

We only talked for around 45 minutes, but she gave me her opinion that she thinks I don't have bipolar. She thinks my hypomanic symptoms and mood swings/cycling were caused by trauma. Who’s to say, really. Trauma effects everything.

I have found I don’t always fit the mold for clinical diagnoses for conditions my symptoms point to. I especially don't fit them forever. Resilience has to be taken into account; learning skills, figuring out accommodations, medication, change of life circumstance.

However, I have, and do (based on past episodes) meet the criteria for bipolar 2, whether the assessment is nuanced enough to give a "correct" answer. Of course, diagnoses are more or less a matter of opinion.

I was also diagnosed with "unspecific mood disorder" & put on mood stabilizers (bipolar meds) as a young teen.

Some of my earliest memories are of being totally overwhelmed emotionally. I remember having what I now know of as anxiety in elementary school. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 12.

So what is it?

That's the question I've been searching for the answer for my entire life. Wtf is wrong with me, lol. I know trauma, neurodivergence, and the way those two play off each other must be at the root of everything.

Ultimately, all these sprinkles of symptoms make up an actual person, my actual life experiences, my struggles, my disabilities. I don't think it's simple enough to just slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.

I know SSNI medication has helped me immensely in taking all the chaotic energy inside myself, and dampening down my viciously strong emotions. Before meds, I felt totally out of control. I felt I had no control over the insanity. My mood swings and sensory overwhelm thrashed me around like I was on a broken rollercoaster, ready to fly off the tracks at any moment.

BPD

Before starting trauma work, I fit the diagnosis for borderline. Leaving an abusive relationship, learning about attachment disorders, and understanding more about being neurodivergent helped me grow into a person who could have healthy relationships, and stop hurting myself.

Graduating from a DBT program when I was 18 helped as well, but looking back, the most helpful part was being part of a community. Sharing 8 hours a week with other traumatized teens, forming bonds, being vulnerable and supporting each other. That's what helped.

We never even talked about trauma as a force of destruction. We mostly learned how to channel our thoughts and behaviors into something less visibly disruptive and damaging.

We weren't validated and told "something awful happened to you, and it wasn't your fault, and it's not your fault that it made you hate yourself so much you want to destroy yourself and everything around you." I think we really needed that. I know I still need to hear that.

Chaos

I'm 30 now, and I still am no where near having all the answers. Finding the ADHD piece of the puzzle definitely puts a lot into perspective, but I don't know if it can account for everything. I do have hopes for medicating it.

My 20's were so chaotic. I had no idea if I would survive to where I am now. That being said, I made a lot of decisions that helped me survive when I needed to, things I said I'd deal with the consequences of later, and, later has finally caught up to me.

I used spending as a coping mechanism. I channeled a lot of my chaotic energy into work over the past decade. Before my body started shutting down on me, I worked alll the time, and made decent money. I bought into the whole credit score thing, got a bunch of credit cards, and maxed them all out. Yes, having a credit history helped me get things I needed, but mental illness put me in this mindset of "I'm probably gonna die soon, so I should just get what will make me happy right now."

Knowing now that I have ADHD, so much of this makes sense. I struggle with things like feeding myself, cleaning, staying on track, completing tasks, all the executive function bullshit. So, I've driven myself into debt buying things I thought could help me "get my life together."

Can't get myself to eat enough to not trigger a mood episode? I'll just order take out or go to the cafe every day. Can't keep the house from being a total mess? I'll buy every cleaning and organizing tool imaginable that might help inspire me to bring necessary order to my surroundings. Same thing for exercising, self care, literally just existing, I always thought if I could "just" find the right solution, all my problems would disappear and I could catch up to my peers who perpetually left me in the dust.

Don't even get me started on the spending sprees I've gone on in response to depression and suicidality. Feel like dying because understimulated? Let's book a trip for me and a companion where I'll pay for everything because I want to be loved. Feel like dying because overstimulation? Let's buy things to self soothe. It's a mess.

And so, life goes on

Now, this year, when I have my head on straight, and am no longer crushed and suffocated by abuse, or distracted by partying, my health took a nose dive. I have hardly been able to work at all this year. I've always been concerned with my ill health, but now more than ever I've been forced to focus on it solely. I'm committed. The only place I go these days is to appointments; three a week: therapy, allergy injections, and acupuncture.

I so desperately want to get my life together, once and for all. I truly hope I'm on the right track. All I can do is trust this is what I'm supposed to do.

[le0watch]

(tws: implied mental illness and self harm)

today is the day.

the day langa has been dreading.

he looks out his front window, his chin propped on the palm of his hand. he's waiting, sitting on one of the chairs in his living room, leg bouncing impatiently.

he doesn't really want this addition to his household, but he'd rather get the thing and move on with his life. but no, they have to be running late.

he sighs heavily, and goes to picking at the skin around his fingernails. the familiar sting and drops of blood calms him a little, and he draws in a deep breath. it'll be fine. mom wants this, since she can't live with him right now. he needs this to stay stable, apparently.

he jumps when theres a knock on the front door. at some point, an automated taxi had pulled up in front of his house without him noticing. he takes a moment to wonder how he hadn't noticed it, before pushing to his feet to open the door.

a flash of red hair and amber eyes greets him, with skin a darker tan than langa's pale skin. the thing is grinning widely, hands tucked behind its back. it perks up when it sees him, and langa wants to rip his hair out. he'd known they'd purchased one a month ago, personalizing it to fit langa's needs and physical preferences, but to actually see it on his doorstep was like getting slapped in the face.

"hello!" the android exclaims, its led mood light circling a calm blue. "my name is reki- i'm the android sent by cyberlife!"

langa has to bite back a groan of annoyance. "hi," he replies. he has to play nice. this thing is motoring him and his moods. it's probably taking notes of his physical appearance and outfit option. which, his outfit for today isnt as bad as it usually is. it's a baggy white shirt and a pair of jeans. simple and comfortable.

"it is so nice to finally meet you!" the android continues, clasping its hands in front of itself with glee. "i was designed to fit your personal needs and preferences-" he already knew that- "but if you do not like how i look or act, you can always send me back for maintenance. the first change is free!"

"yay," langa replies coldly. but he steps back and gestures of the thing to step inside. it does, looking around his small home. "this is the living room, over there is the kitchen, and to the left down the hall is my bed and bathroom. id rather you not go in there."

"i'll have to, it's part of my programming," the thing says, with the audacity to sound apologetic. as if. androids can't feel anything. "my program dictates that you cannot be allowed alone for too long, because of your past actions."

langa lets out another heavy sigh, dragging his hand down his face. his mom probably added that to it. shes been so worried about him since he'd tried to commit not too long ago.

"right," langa responds. "so... what do you do?"

"im glad you ask!" the android says with too much cheer. it's starting to give langa a headache. "i was custom designed to act as your caregiver and to be the eyes of your loved ones. My functions are as follows: medication, time, self care, and eating reminders. i have basic medical knowledge, so if you injure yourself i can help heal it. i am also programmed to become a friend of yours if you so desire."

"uh huh," langa says, quickly losing interest in the situation. as if he'd ever be friends with an android, anyways.

"so, may i ask when you are supposed to take your prescribed medicines?" the android asks next, not missing a beat. "as well how long you are typically in the bathroom, so that i may check on you if you are in there longer than the given time."

"you don't need to know that," langa snaps, instinctively shifting on his feet. the fresh cuts on his thighs sting, but it's a good feeling. "but i can give you my meds so you know."

"okay! i'll time you next time you are in the bathroom, so i can get a feel of your usual time," the android says brightly. langa glares at it. it doesn't seem to notice. "i should inform you as well: i have a smelling receptor implemented, so if i smell blood on you, or find that you have seriously injured yourself, i will instantly contact medical help to come pick you up. afterwards, i will check you into a mental hospital to make sure you get the help you need if i am not enough."

langa's nose scrunches up with distaste. "asshole," he mutters. he thinks he says it quiet enough so that the thing can't hear him, yet he still catches the led on its temple cycling from blue to red, indicating distress. weird.

"y- i am sorry," it stutters. androids could stutter? huh, they must make them able to do almost anything. "for now, i will give you space. i will check up on you semi-frequently. please let me know if you need anything, and when you are going to bring me your perscribed medication." it pauses, staring off into the distance for a moment. its eyes have a strange look in them, the led cycling red for a few seconds longer before returning to blue. it smiles at him, but he gets the feeling its forced. "i am glad to be here with you. i will be entering rest mode, now."

with that, it shuts down, led cycling yellow, fake eyelids lowered over its fake eyes. it almost looks like an actual person had fallen asleep standing up.

too bad it's fake.

he sighs heavily for the third time the past hour and runs a hand down his face. his hands tingle with the need to grab his favorite knife, but he doesn't want it to smell his blood. he'll have to find times and places to do it, then.

he just isn't prepared for the events that are soon to follow after receiving this thing. if he had, he would have sent straight back to cyberlife.

[iamtrebleclefstories]

best thing that’s ever been mine

DAY 2: SPEAK NOW - MINE 

(is this fic two days late? yes. and what about it?)

Do you remember, we were sittin', there by the water?

You put your arm around me for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

hi everyone! I’ve been working on this fic for months and it has a very special place in my heart. it is a complete AU and I hope you enjoy it!!

Shoutout to @doc-pickles for being my sounding board for this fic (and many others). This ones for you!

@thejolexgroupchat

You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables

Left a small town, never looked back

I was a flight risk, with a fear of fallin'

Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts

+ + +

She walked into the diner soaked to the bone from the downpour that seemed to come out of nowhere. Shivering, Jo made her way over to her typical booth near the windows (and the space heater) and attempted to warm up. She'd been staring out the window at the busy street when she noticed a young man standing in front of her.

"You're new around here," Jo's eyebrows raised. She observed the man for a second, taking in his appearance. He had brown hair and brown eyes that seemed to be rimmed in green. He was handsome and that crooked half-smile on his face signaled to her that he knew it. "Marion and Hector hired someone new? They hardly ever do that."

The man let out an awkward chuckle, "I just moved here from a small town in lowa for school. Trying to pay my way through medical school. Guess they must've liked me."

"I guess so," Jo nodded. "Sorry, I'm here all the time so I know pretty much everyone that works here. I was surprised to see someone new."

"Well, I’m Alex," his smile grew slightly. "Since you're a regular, I guess you already know what you're having. So what can I get you?"

"Surprise me," Jo's eyes shined expectantly.

The waiter - Alex - let out a laugh, "Give me a few minutes."

About fifteen minutes later, Alex came back with a plate and drink. He placed it in front of Jo, "Here you go. A bacon double cheeseburger, no pickles, no onions, extra cheese with a large side of seasoned fries and a medium coke. You're tiny, but I have the feeling that you can eat. And as much as you may try to eat healthy, you're not a salad girl and would prefer to work out than eat grass. Am I right?"

Jo raised her eyebrows in amusement, "Surprisingly, yes. Except for the drink. I would've ordered a large coke and gotten up to pee three times because I’ve got a bladder the size of a walnut."

"I will remember that for next time," Alex smirked. "So, regular… you got a name?"

"Jo Wilson."

"Nice. I like chicks with boy's names."

+ + +

I say, "Can you believe it?"

As we're lyin' on the couch

The moment, I can see it

Yes, yes, I can see it now

+ + +

The last thing Jo would've expected was that she'd become friends with Alex, the cute waiter from Marion and Hector's diner. But after many conversations shared in the diner during all hours of the day and upon discovering that they would both be attending Harvard Medical School in the fall, Jo and Alex bonded rather quickly. It helped that they each had plenty of shared life experience as a result of growing up in the system.

Jo had never really met anyone with her kind of background that was also looking towards a future in medicine. It was encouraging and validating knowing that she wouldn’t be alone in her struggle. Once the school year began and things got real, Jo and Alex found themselves spending increasing amounts of time together, studying and stressing over the copious amounts of material they'd need to memorize and understand.

"This sucks," Alex huffed in annoyance, tossing his notecards onto the coffee table. "I hate pharmacology."

"I know, me too. But we need to learn this if we want to make sure we don't prescribe the wrong medication to a patient," Jo took a seat on the couch beside him and handed Alex the bowl of popcorn in her hands. "Can you believe our first year is almost over?"

Alex stuffed his face with some popcorn, “It feels like just yesterday I met you at the diner.”

“I know,” Jo chuckled. "I'm happy we're friends."

"Me too," Alex smiled, content to just sit near Jo.

Both of them wanted more, but neither one of them was quite ready to admit that yet. There had been something brewing between the two of them since their first meeting.

"When we're hotshot doctors one day, we'll still be in each other’s lives, right?" Jo asked quietly.

"Of course we are," Alex grinned. "We can apply to the same hospitals and in the same cities for residency and fellowship. And even after, when we are badass attendings, we can open a practice together. I won't leave your side unless you ask me to. You're stuck with me, Wilson."

+ + +

Do you remember, we were sittin', there by the water?

You put your arm around me for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

+ + +

"Come on, we're gonna miss it!" Jo shouted as she neared the dock. Her silhouette was illuminated by the moonlight as she deposited the blanket onto the ground and Iied down to stare at the night sky. "This should be the perfect spot to watch the meteor shower. It's far away enough from the city to see the sky but close enough that an ambulance can get to us quickly enough if anything were to happen."

"I'm coming," Alex grumbled as he carried the cooler over to where Jo was lying on the ground. "Jeez, what did you put in this thing?"

"Just the essentials," Jo reached over and opened the cooler, pulling out a beer and revealing the contents of the cooler.

"Are those stolen medical supplies?" Alex looked inside.

"Maybe?" Jo shrugged and opened the bottle. "We're gonna be out here all night so I wanted to be prepared."

"You're insane," Alex chuckled and opened his own drink.

"It's part of my charm," Jo winked at him and lifted her drink. "Look, I know all of this might seem pretty crazy, but I just wanted to do something special. This has probably been the best summer of my life.” She grew quiet for a moment. “I’ve never had a friend like you. A person. My person. Most summers I was struggling to make ends meet or find somewhere to live while everyone else went home and visited their families and went on these lavish vacations. I never really had anybody and now I have you. It’s nice. Having someone… Anyway, I just want to say thank you. For making last year and this summer a little less lonely. That’s why we’re here tonight, waiting for a meteor shower on our last Friday off before second year starts. So, cheers to a great year.”

“To a great year,” Alex lifted his beer and clinked it against hers. He stared at her for a moment, silently taking in the words she’d said. He knew expressing her feelings was no easy feat. Jo had always had a complicated relationship with feelings—both of them had. But she’d made an effort to express her emotions and that was more than enough to blow his mind. Alex was brought out of his thoughts when he heard Jo’s voice again.

“Look! It’s starting,” Jo gasped and pointed up and the night sky.

Maybe it was the meteor shower. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the speech. Maybe it was Jo’s bright smile. But Alex couldn’t help himself this time. He reached out for Jo’s hand and pulled her close to his body, wrapping his arm around her. Jo looked up at him with shining eyes and relaxed, resting her head on his chest.

They laid like that for what seemed like hours, observing the night sky and reveling in the warm summer air. After some time, Jo lifted her head to look Alex in the eye. She opened her mouth to speak but only a squeak came out, causing Alex to laugh.

“Sorry—I… I didn’t mean to laugh,” Alex cleared his throat as Jo looked at him unamused. “What did you want to say?”

“Nothing. It was stupid,” Jo shook her head.

“No it’s okay, just say it,” Alex rubbed his hand on her back comfortingly. He watched as Jo shook her head again, attempting to hide her face from his view. “Hey, look at me. Jo it’s me. You can say anything.”

“I can’t say this thing,” Jo bit her lip nervously.

Alex sighed, “Okay. How about I say it? Because I'm pretty sure I know what you’re thinking right now.”

“I highly doubt that but be my guest,” Jo scoffed.

And with his arms holding her tightly he finally said the words, “I love you.”

+ + +

Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together

And there's a drawer of my things at your place

You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded

You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes

+ + +

“Have you seen my light blue sneakers?” Jo shouted from the other side of the apartment. “I can’t remember if I left them here or not last time I spent the night.”

“I haven’t seen them. Maybe you left them in your car?” Alex walked over to Jo and gave her a kiss of the cheek. “You look hot in scrubs.”

“So do you, Mr. third year med student,” Jo allowed her eyes to run up and down Alex’s frame. “Today’s our first day of clerkships and I’m going to have to keep my eyes glued to you as soon as we get to the hospital because I don’t need any cute nurses trying to steal you away.”

“You act as if you have competition,” Alex leaned forward to steal a kiss. “I don’t want anyone else, especially after last night.”

“There’s so much more where that came from,” Jo wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “I know we’ve been together for a year but I still can’t get enough of you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Alex chuckled. “You know I got you something. Call it an anniversary present. I was gonna show it to you last night, but we were a bit busy… celebrating.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Jo cupped his cheek on her hand. “I just need you.”

“Hey, a one year anniversary is a big deal. Besides, this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now,” Alex’s face relaxed and loving. “Come on, it’s in the bedroom.”

They walked into the bedroom and Alex stood in front of the closed closet doors, prompting Jo’s forehead to wrinkle in confusion. Alex cleared his throat, “Okay. What you see here might freak you out a bit, but it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. So, I’m just gonna show you.”

Alex opened the closet doors to reveal that it was half empty. The left side was free of clothing except for one shirt hanging up that Jo recognized as one that she thought she’d misplaced a few weeks ago.

Jo looked at Alex in question, “You found my shirt and cleaned out your closet? That’s the surprise? What happened to your other clothes?”

“No that’s not—you’re not understanding,” Alex let out a chuckle. “It’s okay, though. You’re new to all this. So am I, if I’m being honest.”

“Alex, you aren’t making any sense.”

“I'm making space for you,” Alex stated. “I’m making space for you in my home, in my life. I got rid of a bunch of crap that I don’t need or never used and I made space. Because I don’t want you to just have a drawer full of random things at my place. I want this to be our place. So I guess what I’m asking is, move in with me. Please. I wanna go to sleep next to you and wake up next to you every day. I love you, Jo. I want to do everything with you.”

Jo stood in front of Alex, stunned. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about what it would be like to live with Alex. All her life, she’d just found a place to live. She never had a home. As long as there was a roof over her head and a somewhat comfortable space to sleep in, she would make due. It was all she needed. After Alex, she found the home she’d been searching for all along.

“Jo?”

“Yes,” Jo breathed without hesitation. A couple tears collected in her eyes. “Yes.”

Alex’s face broke out into a huge grin, “Really? You’ll move in?”

“Yeah,” Jo laughed happily. “I’d love to live with you.”

“Okay,” Alex nodded his head and motioned to the room. “I’ve still got to move some stuff around but we can have it done by the end of this week.”

“I don’t have much. I don’t need a lot of space,” Jo shrugged.

“I’m gonna change that,” Alex took both his hands in her own. “No more having only the bare minimum necessary to survive. And I mean that for both of us. I wanna build a life with you.”

“I love you,” Jo leaned up to kiss him briefly. “So much.”

“Me too,” Alex’s face was content. “As much as I’d like to just stand here with you, we’ve got to go or we’ll be late.”

“Let’s go,” Jo smiled. “I can’t wait to rub it into all the girls’ faces that I’m moving in with my super hot boyfriend and they should be jealous.”

+ + +

And we got bills to pay

We got nothin' figured out

When it was hard to take

Yes, yes

This is what I thought about

+ + +

“Dammit Alex, why can you just listen to me for once?” Jo yelled across the kitchen counter. “If you would’ve listened to me in the first place none of this would be happening.”

“Will you just stop it already?” Alex shouted back angrily. “Just shut up! I’m sick and tired of hearing you go on and on about the same damn thing. Yes, I know I let the ball drop on this one. You don’t have to bring it up every two seconds! Stop talking!”

Jo grew quiet at the tone of his voice. She swallowed back a response and took a cautious step back. She looked almost afraid to push him further.

Alex noticed her behavior and immediately felt regret over his words, “Jo. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I’m just… I’m frustrated.”

“Mmhm,” Jo pursed her lips, but didn’t move from her stop.

Alex took a step forward to close the distance only to have Jo take another step back. That’s when it hit him. Paul. He just yelled at her like Paul used to.

Alex learned about Paul Stadler’s existence not too long after Jo moved in with him. They’d gotten home from a day in the ER where a young woman came in with domestic violence injuries. Jo had been incredibly affected by the woman’s case and Alex couldn’t figure out why. That night on the couch, Jo opened up about quite possibly the most difficult experience of her life. She talked about her ex.

Paul Stadler was an old boyfriend of Jo’s who spent the first few years of their friendship grooming her to be his victim. He was a professor during her undergrad years at Princeton and especially liked to prey on isolated, young women with emotional trauma. He fixated his attention on Jo and reeled her in, making her the subject of his abuse for the last seven months of her senior year at Princeton. As soon as graduation was over, Jo—formally known as Brooke Howard—ran away, changed her name, and fled to a small town outside of Boston where she hid for a few weeks before deeming it safe to find a place in the city. It was in that year that she remade herself and applied to various medical schools under her new name before finally getting into Harvard against all odds.

Alex hadn’t always known about her history. It was something she shared with him when he found the paperwork from her name change in the process of moving her into his—now their—apartment. That’s when she sat down and told him all the missing pieces of her story. She told him about how Paul would beat her and scream at her when she failed to meet his expectations. She told him about her pregnancy and the abortion she had after Paul confiscated her birth control and coerced her into his bed. She told him about how she had been terrified but hopeful that a baby would change things for the better, only to have those expectations ripped violently away once Paul threw her against the wall for showing up at his office uninvited.

“Jo. Baby, look at me. I’m sorry. I’m not going to hurt you. I swear,” Alex looked at Jo and waited for her eyes to meet his. He reached his hand out as an invitation for her to hold it. “I love you. I’m sorry I yelled like that. I didn’t mean to frighten you or trigger you in any way.”

Jo's visibly relaxed and took Alex’s hand in her own, “I know. I’m sorry I… reacted like that, too. It’s just… I finally have something that I’m scared to lose.”

“No, you’re right,” Alex shook his head. “I told you I was going to handle this month’s rent while you figured things out with your job at the library and I didn’t do it. I left it till the last minute and I’m short $200. That's not your fault. You warned me multiple times to set aside the money for rent before paying everything else and buying those basketball tickets. I’m gonna figure it out. Don’t worry.”

Alex left the apartment in a rush, leaving Jo standing in the entryway confused. Alex was halfway to his destination when he realized that he probably should have explained to Jo what his thought process was. He had half a mind to turn back around, but then again he wasn’t all that keen on admitting what he was on his way to do. It was a major hit to his pride to even walk to the one person he knew could help them. But it wasn’t about him or his pride. It was about his life with Jo and about fixing this.

Alex knocked on the door and waited for the person inside to respond.

“Hey man, come on in.”

“Thanks,” Alex walked inside and looked around.

He had been to Jackson Avery’s apartment before. Jackson was actually one of Alex’s best friends since he started medical school. They got paired together for anatomy lab the first week of classes and had been inseparable ever since. To top it all off, Jackson was an Avery. He was from one of the most prestigious families in medicine and was sitting on a lump sum of cash. In the three years that they had been friends, Jackson had always made it clear that if Alex ever needed anything at all, to not hesitate to ask.

“What’s up?” Jackson asked as he handed Alex a beer and sat across from him on the couch.

“You know I wouldn’t do this if I weren’t desperate. I hate asking for favors and you’re my friend so don’t feel obligated to say yes, but I need help,” Alex started.

“Whatever you need, man. You know that,” Jackson leaned forward to wait for Alex to make his request.

“I messed up this month with the rent. Jo’s hours at the library got switched and they don’t work with our clerkship schedules, so I had to take over all the bills this time around. I told her not to worry, that I’d handle it, but I’m $200 short,” Alex put his head in his hands. “Do you think you could lend me the money? I swear I’ll pay you back as soon as my next paycheck from the diner comes in.”

“Whoa, Karev. Slow down,” Jackson reached into his wallet and pulled out two crisp hundred dollar bills. “Here. It’s no big deal. And I’m not lending you $200. I’m giving it to you.”

“I can’t… I can’t accept that,” Alex shook his head. “I don’t like owing people.”

“You won’t be owing me anything,” Jackson held the money out. “We’re friends, Alex. You’ve got my back, I’ve got yours. You and Jo helped me when I was struggling in that class last year. You took time out of your own studying and time that the two of you could’ve been spending together to help me. You’re the reason I passed. Take the cash. Just think of it as a favor.”

“Thank you,” Alex sighed and took the money in his hands. “I just… I feel so pathetic. What guy can’t provide for his girlfriend for one month while she’s struggling to figure things out financially? Thank God we each got a full ride in college so we don’t have to worry about student loans until we graduate med school. I just feel useless.”

“You’re anything but useless,” Jackson took a swig of his beer. “You underestimated how much money you’d need to save. So what? It’s okay. It happens. Even to me. You learned from it and now you can move on. You’re gonna pay the rent on time and everything's gonna be fine. Don’t let this become a thing. Don’t let it come between you and Jo.”

“I just feel like I’m letting her down,” Alex admitted quietly.

“Jo didn’t grow up with much. Yeah, stuff is nice, but I know at the end of the day all she really wants or needs is you,” Jackson smiled. “Besides, even if you somehow got so behind that they evicted you, I’ve got a guest bedroom that I’d be happy to let you and Jo stay in for however long you needed to. Maybe I'll finally get a chance to steal her flashcards that she refuses to share.”

Alex smirked, “Good luck with that. She won’t even let me see them.”

“Eh it’s worth a shot,” Jackson chuckled. “Okay, finish your beer and then go pay your bills.”

+ + +

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?

You saw me start to believe, for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

+ + +

“Come on, follow me. I wanna show you something,” Alex smiled as he led Jo up the dock.

“Where are we going?” Jo asked for what seemed to be the hundredth time. “We start our first day of internship tomorrow. I don’t want to be late.”

“We won’t be late,” Alex continued pulling her in the direction he was headed to. “I want to do something special before we get busy and don’t have time to be us.”

Jo’s eyes softened, “Okay. Lead the way.”

Alex grinned as they neared a ferry boat, “I got us tickets for a ferry boat tour of the city. I thought it would be a nice way of celebrating that tomorrow we finally become the doctors we always dreamed we’d be as kids. It’s been hard getting here, but we made it. We made it, Jo and I know that I can make it through this year and the rest of my life as long as I’ve got you by my side.”

Jo looked at Alex with love in her eyes, “You’re incredible.”

“That’s all you, princess,” Alex put his arm around her shoulder as they boarded the ferry and took a seat.

The majority of the ride was done in silence. They marveled at the city lights bouncing off the water as the sky grew dimmer as the night went on. Jo snuggled up against Alex, thinking about how the time had flown by. She first met Alex about four years ago in a diner and now here she was in Seattle sitting next to the love of her life on a ferry the night before their first day of internship. It was a surreal moment and yet, Jo found herself actually believing that she had found a love that would last for the first time in her life.

“I love you,” Jo snuggled into Alex’s side.

“I love you more.”

“I can’t believe this is real,” Jo said later that night as they were climbing into bed. “I keep expecting someone to pinch me and wake me up from this dream I’m having.”

“It’s real,” Alex pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I hope we get assigned the same resident. I want to be near you so that none of the female doctors or nurses trying anything stupid,” Jo snuggled in close to Alex.

“Is this jealousy I hear?” Alex’s face turned up into a smirk.

“Pfft, me, jealous?” Jo scoffed. “Please. I’m not jealous. I'm just… protective over what’s mine.”

“Oh so I’m yours now?” Alex grinned, amused.

“Yup,” Jo leaned up to kiss him deeply, allowing her hands to travel down his chest and stomach to the waistband of his boxers. “You are all mine.”

Alex groaned, “I’m fine with that.”

+ + +

And I remember that fight, two-thirty am

'Cause everything was slipping right out of our hands

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye,

'Cause that's all I've ever known

Then, you took me by surprise

You said, "I'll never leave you alone"

+ + +

Their intern year went by rather quickly, considering all of the insanity they’d lived through. From train crashes, bombs in the hospital, cutting L-VAD wires, proms, Meredith almost drowning, ferry boat crashes, and various break ups and make ups, it was safe to say that Alex and Jo had the most interesting intern class ever. When Jo thought back to everything they had lived through in the past year, she found herself increasingly grateful that she had someone that she could come home to every night. Being a doctor had reminded her just how short life could be and that things could change at any moment.

Their second year of residency was getting off to a similarly interesting start with the arrival of a new class of interns that would be under their supervision. Jo found herself increasingly frustrated with the young doctors under her care. She was so consumed by her work that Jo realized that it had been weeks since she and Alex spent time together that wasn’t as they got ready for bed at night. Even those moments were few and far between.

Alex had been spending a lot of his free time with the people in their class, specifically, Meredith and Izzie. Jo didn’t have a problem with them. On the contrary, Jo loved both women dearly. Meredith was a loyal friend that mirrored Jo in many ways, and Izzie was an unexpected, bubbly best friend that reminded Jo of her only friend in college more and more every day. She didn’t have a problem with either of those women. Not at all. She wasn’t the jealous type either. She trusted Alex implicitly. She never had a reason to suspect that he would do something behind her back. That was, until he started to make excuses and lie to her about his whereabouts.      

Maybe she should’ve been a bit more understanding. After all, Meredith and Izzie had both been through a lot last year. Jo had spent countless hours by their sides comforting and supporting them. But in the process of trying to be a good friend, she felt like she was losing her boyfriend.

The last straw was when Alex left her alone at the hospital after having driven there together that morning. It had been a long day and Jo was looking forward to getting home, taking a shower, and lazing around on the couch with Alex. After she’d finished changing out of her scrubs, she walked down to the bench out by the parking lot where she and Alex normally waited for each other. Jo waited for about twenty minutes when she finally walked back inside to the nurse’s station to find him.

“Hey, could you page Dr. Karev for me? I’ve been waiting for him to leave but he hasn’t come down yet. Is he still in surgery?” Jo asked nurse Vicky.

“I saw Dr. Karev leave over an hour ago?” Vicky replied.

“What? Are you sure? We came in one car today,” Jo’s brow furrowed.

“Yeah. I saw him walk out with Grey and Stevens. It seemed like they were in a rush to get somewhere,” Vicky nodded. “Is there someone you want me to call for you?”

“No, it’s fine,” Jo shook her head. “I’ll figure something out.”

Jo ended up getting a ride back to the loft she and Alex shared from one of her interns, of all people. She thanked him bashfully as she got out of the car and walked up the steps, seeing Alex’s car in front of the building. Jo took a deep breath as she reached the door. On the way there, she’d thought long and hard about how this conversation was going to go. How could she talk about ending this? Alex was her best friend, the love of her life. He was the person who said he’d always be there for her. And yet, here she was outside their home because he left her without a word.

Finally mustering up enough courage, Jo slid the door open and stepped inside.

“I need to talk to you,” Jo put her things down in front of the bed.

“I need to talk to you,” Alex walked towards her with a glass of champagne in his hands.

“No, no, no. Listen…” Jo paused as she got choked up. “This isn’t working. I need someone in my corner, and the more I look at it, the only person I have is me.”

“Jo—”

“And I don’t want to make you choose between me and your friends, our friends. But I can’t keep feeling like everyone’s second choice. Especially not yours. Not when I love you with everything I have. Not when I put you before everything,” Jo’s eyes watered. “But right now, all I can see is how you choose everyone else over me. I mean, you left me at the hospital today. We came in one car and you didn’t even let me know that you were leaving. I sat there waiting for you like an idiot for a long time, but you never showed. And you didn’t even have the decency to let me know that you left. I had to find out from Vicky when I went to ask her to page you. I found out that instead of waiting for me, you left with Mer and Izzie. So… I’m going to go stay with Cristina for a while.”

“Jo, stop!” Alex put down the glasses as Jo made her way to the drawer to collect her things.

She turned around to see Alex on one knee with a ring in his hand, “Oh my God. Alex.”

“Yeah?” his lips twitched in a little smile.

“What are you doing?” Jo looked at him with wide eyes.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Alex took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I left you, but I’ve been planning this night for weeks and was so caught up in trying to get everything perfect that I forgot we drove together today.” He took her hand in one of his. “Mer has been holding onto this thing for months now so that you wouldn’t see it in my underwear drawer and Izzie helped me make dinner since I don’t really know how to cook. I’m not replacing you with them or putting them first. I swear. I just couldn’t have you figure out what I was doing.” He paused and looked up at her. “I had a whole speech planned out, but I honestly don’t remember most of it right now.”

Jo let out a little laugh, “It’s okay.”

“But here’s the gist of it; I love you and I want to love you for the rest of my life,” Alex felt his eyes fill with tears. “I never thought I’d be lucky enough to find you and now that I have, I never want to be without you. I don’t know how some stranger in a diner could end up becoming my best friend, but I’m grateful that it happened because you changed my life. Jo, I love you and I love our life together, but I don’t want this to be it. I want so much more with you. So I guess what I’m asking is, will you do me the honor of becoming my life?”

“Yes,” Jo beamed brightly.

“Yes?” Alex’s jaw dropped.

“Of course it’s a yes,” Jo laughed. “Don’t look so surprised.”

“I’m just—I can’t believe you’re going to be my wife,” Alex’s grin grew. He took the ring from the box and slipped it on her finger. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

+ + +

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water

And every time I look at you, it's like the first time

I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter

She is the best thing that's ever been mine"

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

+ + +

When talking about their wedding, Jo and Alex both agreed that they wanted it near the water at sunset. They had first gotten together on a secluded dock in Boston so it was only fitting that they get married near something meaningful. One day while talking about locations at Meredith’s, Shepherd suggested they try renting a ferry boat and the pair knew immediately that it was right for them.

The day couldn’t have been more perfect. The sun was setting on the water, casting pink and purple hues to paint the sky. The colors reflected beautifully against the water and gave everything a soft glow. Their guests were sitting comfortably on the deck of the boat awaiting the start of the ceremony.

Alex stood in front of the crowd of guests with Jackson and Meredith at his side, smiling brightly at their friend’s nervous fidgeting.

“Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet now,” Meredith leaned over and whispered in his ear. “Because it’s kind of two late for that. It would look really bad if I had to run out of here to start up the getaway car.”

“Shut up,” Alex chuckled. “I’m not having cold feet. I’m just… I can’t believe it. I’m getting married and I don’t know… Jo is going to look beautiful when she walks out here in her dress and I guess, I want to make sure I look nice for her.”

“Wow, you really are whipped, man,” Jackson teased. “It’s okay, though. I’ll give you a free pass since it’s your wedding day and all.”

“Whatever, Avery. You just wait until you find someone who-”

Alex was cut off by Bailey’s nudge, “Hush Karev. It’s about to start.”

Alex closed his mouth and nodded as Bailey smoothed out her dress for the hundredth time. He was grateful she’d said yes to officiating his and Jo’s wedding. Bailey had become one of the most important and influential people in their lives and she was honored when they asked her if she would marry them.

The music began and Izzie and Cristina made their way down the aisle as Lexie tossed yellow flower petals in the air from her spot off to the side. Jo took a couple deep breaths and she waited around the corner, making sure to steady herself before going out there.

“You ready Wilson?” Dr. Webber stood beside her with a soft smile on his face.

“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life,” Jo’s face brightened in excitement. “And after today, it won’t be Wilson anymore.”

“Really now?” Webber’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “I wouldn't have thought you’d change it.”

“I never had a family name growing up. Wilson is something I made up along the way. Karev means something, though. It belongs to Alex, but now it’s mine, and it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“I’m happy for you,” Webber smiled. He held his arm out for her to hold on to. “I think it’s our turn.”

The moment was surreal. It was like in those movies when all time stops as the bride and groom get their first looks at each other and everything else fades away. But there’s no better way to describe the feeling of all your love for a person seeming to pour out of your chest. It was overwhelming, tear-inducing, and so incredibly wonderful.

So much of the following minutes were a blur until Bailey signaled that it was time to recite their vows, “Both Alex and Jo have prepared their own vows that they wish to share in front of us today. Alex, you will go first.”

“Huh?” Alex—who had been too busy admiring the woman in front of him—cleared his throat. “Oh, sorry. I got distracted.”

Their guests laughed at his honesty. He took a deep breath and began, “Jo. For the past six years, you have been my rock, my constant, my best friend. Every moment spent with you has been better than I could’ve ever hoped for. I knew from the minute you sat down at my table at the diner in Boston that you would be in my life forever. Maybe it was your smile or your laugh or something entirely out of my control, but that day I changed for the better, and it’s because of you. Now, we were idiots and didn’t say anything for over a year, but I’m happy that we didn’t. It gave me a chance to grow in love with you.”

“I still remember how I felt that day when we were sitting there by the water. I looked at you and I knew that you were it for me. I knew that I would love you for the rest of my life. And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time. So today, I stand here in front of our friends, our family, and promise to love you every day like it’s the last. I promise to be your anchor, your friend, anything you need me to be. All that I am and all that I ever will be is yours. I know it’s cheesy and I'm gonna get a lot of heat from our friends for saying it, but you hold my heart in your hands. I want to be with you, for better or worse, in sickness and in health… You made me a better man. You make me a better man every single day.  So, I vow to be that man for you until death do us part.”

Alex’s declaration had everyone’s eyes misting. It wasn’t often that they heard him speak so openly, so it was impacting when they witnessed the love he had for Jo.

Meanwhile, Jo was wiping away a couple tears that had escaped and struggling to compose herself. She let out a soft laugh, “Gosh, how do you follow that?” Their guests chuckled in response.

“Okay, here goes nothing,” Jo exhaled. “Alex. I love you. When I was a little girl I never dreamed that I’d be able to say that to someone so freely, much less have someone say it back. You entered my life in the most unexpected way, but I can’t imagine it without you. I never expected that the guy I met the summer before medical school would end up becoming my husband, but here we are, six years later, more in love than I ever thought possible.”

“When I think about our life together, I think of all the things we’ve had to overcome and the work it took to get here. I am by no means a perfect person, so today I vow to honor the journey that brought us here. I vow to love you even when I might not like you. I vow to be your partner. I vow to fight for us come hell or high water. I vow to be faithful, patient and supportive for the rest of my life. Because I used to have nothing, and then I met you. You gave me a place to belong, a family, love, and you remind me that I’m worthy of it every single day. Alex Karev, you are my soulmate, my heart, my home, and my very best friend. But most of all, you are the best thing that’s ever been mine, and I cannot wait to be your wife.”

“Can we have the rings?” Bailey asked, Meredith handing them to her. “Today, we use these rings to symbolize the unbreakable unity in this relationship and the never-ending love and commitment they have for each other.”

Bailey placed Jo’s ring in Alex’s hand and spoke, “Alex Karev. Do you take Jo Wilson to be your wife.”

“I do,” Alex smiled and slid the wedding band on Jo’s finger.

“And do you, Jo Wilson, take Alex Karev to be your husband?” Bailey repeated the motion and gave Jo, Alex’s ring.

“I super do,” Jo beamed and slid the ring on Alex’s finger.

“Well. Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

And for the first time, Jo and Alex knew without a shadow of a doubt that they’d make it.

+ + +

Do you believe it?

We're gonna make it now

Yes, yes, I can see it now

[poetryofyouth]

I did it, I finally quit psychiatry

(I wrote this for r/antipsychiatry, but I thought I might as well post it here too. don't read if you're easily triggered)

It's been a long journey through hell, but I've had enough. I'm not taking any more shit from incompetent, clueless doctors who think they know me better than I do myself. Who do not listen to me when I beg them to change the medication and instead just give me more of the stuff that is making me worse. I'll finally be free.

I doubt anyone cares, but I'll just tell you my story from the beginning. This is going to be a very long story. Basically, I became depressed at 14 or 15, I'm a 22 year old woman now. The reason was mainly that I couldn't handle the pressure from school. I am a very ambitious, perfectionist but also extremely lazy person. I was constantly beating myself up for not achieving what I wanted to achieve but also unable to fix my behavior. I did also have some slight, not even that serious trauma from a emotionally neglectful childhood and my parents telling me I was a failure every time I would get a grade that wasn't an A. At some point it all became too much and I started self-harming. Then I got worse and worse, self harming occasionally but severely, until I finally attempted suicide at 17.

I was locked into a youth psychiatry institution against my. will. I had my rights, my freedom taken away and was forced to take heavy medications. The very first evening I asked the psychiatrist at the hospital about the side effects of the medications, but he refused to tell me anything and instead just said I should trust his professional judgement. Unfortunately I was too tired and unwell to keep asking so I just accepted not knowing what would happen to me.

They gave me very high doses of Seroquel (Quetiapine), SSRIs and other stuff that I don't even know because they didn't even tell me the names of what they made me take. I just know the names of the medications I was supposed to continue to take after the hospital stay because they were in the papers they gave me. Then after a few days I begged the doctor to take me off the meds because I was so tired I could barely move. I had never felt worse in my life. she refused and instead upped my dose further.

I got worse and worse until I managed to get access to a razor blade I injured myself with on purpose. When my roommate told the nurses what I had done, I was forcefully, against my will restrained onto a bed. Yes, they actually tied me to a bed. And then pushed the bed into a small room where I was alone, and tied to the bed, unable to move. Of course I had a severe panic attack. The room had video surveillance, but it took them quite some time to notice that I was having a panic attack. they finally came and gave me something to breathe into and I calmed down more or less, but they didn't untie me. I later had to pee, and they didn't even untie me for that. I had to pee into a bedpan while tied to the bed, with a nurse watching me. it was incredibly humiliating. I was not untied the entire night. I was restrained until the next morning. When they finally untied me, I had quite seriously injured myself from fighting against the restraints. I had basically torn the skin off my ankles, the scars are faded now but they were visible for many years. It was quite painful. I do consider this incident of being restrained against my will psychiatric abuse, especially because I was restrained for so long. In total probably 10 hours, maybe even more.

Then the hospital didn't really know what to do with myself. I had of course lost any trust I had into the nurses and doctors and shut myself off from them. So they transferred me to a different institution, a more high-security one. Of course I wasn't asked if that was okay, I had to comply. I had began to form relationships with some of the girls, so being taken away from the small support system I had was very stresssful, especially considering how fragile I was at that time.

The other institution wasn't much different, but it was good for me to be taken away from the people who had abused me. I got a tiny bit better. I started to trust the nurses there a little bit. I got along with the other patients and over all liked the hospital better for maby reasons. And then they noticed I was a little better. And then they decided I was well enough to go back to the other hospital. Of course I wasn't asked this time either. But I had made more progress there in two weeks than in the other hospital in a month. I had again started building a little support system. But worst of all, I was forced to go back to the place where I had been abused, and at the time I was still very affected by the experience. I felt incredibly powerless and betrayed, but I didn't have a choice.

Then back at the first hospital I decided I would get better, for no other reason than to finally be able to leave that horrible place.

Then two things were getting severly uncomfortable. I was weighed every week and started noticing significant weight gain. At the same time, I was hungry all the time. painfully hungry, ravenous, even. I basically felt like I was starving all the time but still put on weight. Of course that was because of the high doses of Seroquel, but no one told me. I told nurses, doctors and therapists about the hunger and weight gain, but they simply didn't tell me that was a side effect, they told me an increased appetite was a sign i was getting better. I legit thought I was losing my mind.I have struggled with weight all my life and putting weight on like that made me feel horrible.

Then the doctor decided I was well enough to start taking up school work again. I begged him not to force me to, I told them the pressure of school was the reason I was sick in the first place. Of course no one listened to me. I was forced to do school work even if I knew it wasn't good for me. they didn't care.

Then, after three months of hell, I was finally released. And only because it was Christmas, and my parents refused to leave me there over Christmas. I got a therapist and medication for home.

Then after the Christmas holidays I, against my will, started going to school again. And after about two weeks, my new therapist told me that I had to choose between dropping out of school or going back to the hospital, because school was already making me severely suicidal again. And that was one of the few good things a mental health professional had said to me. I dropped out of school and actually started getting better for real. I sometimes forgot to take my medication, and every time I did, I instanty felt better. I suddenly didn't feel like a tired zombie anymore, I actually had emotions, I felt... alive. So I begged my psychiatrist to let me stop taking medications, and a few months after being released from the hospital, I was free of them.

And everything was great. I got a job, then I volunteered in New Zealand, then, when I was in a more stable place than at 17, I took up school again and graduated with flying colors. I was doing incredibly well.

And then I started university. The first semester went okay, but my mental health quickly started deteriorating. It was the academic pressure again. That's simply something I cannot handle. Soon I started self harming again, and it became more frequent than ever before. I also got into a bad, one might even say toxic, relationship. My girlfriend had issues on her own, but her behavior towards me was often extremely triggering and I very frequently self harmed because of something to do with our relationship. I do not want to blame her for my behavior, but she often made feel worthless, like I was not good enough for her. She would frequently cancel our dates at the last minute, and when she didn't, she would be half an hour late, and when we were together, she didn't make me feel very appreciated either. I was very much in love with her and always blamed myself for everything she did. She once even talked me into having sex with her, when I had said no repeatedly. She did not accept no for an answer and kept pushing until I slept with her to make her shut up. I felt like I didn't have a choice. She didn't force me to, but she simply did not accept my "no". Anyways, it was not her who took the knife to my skin, but she was a big factor in why I did it. I never told her she was a reason for my severe self harm, I didn't want her to feel bad. I didn't hide my wounds fro. her, I mean we did see each other naked and I always had at least four or five big bandages. We just kinda... ignored that.

So then I was getting desperate and decided to get professional help once again. I went to a free psychiatrist from the student councellors and she prescribed me Seroquel once again. I told her I didn't want to take it because it had made me gain a lot of weight and made me very tired. She laughed in my face and told me Seroquel doesn't do that. I don't know if she was just incompetent or lied to me on purpose, because these side effects are experienced by pretty much every single person who takes Seroquel, they are listed in the information leaflet, and I know many people who have taken this medication, all of them had them. During the appointment, she did not even ask me how I was feeling. She prescribed me 200 mg of Seroquel XR. Now, the recommended starting dosage is 50 mg. She prescribed me a starting dosage of four times the recommended amount. Unfortunately, I did not know that back then, I didn't expect a doctor to be that negligent. I took the first 200 mg pill that very evening before going to listen to a debate. Seroquel XR takes a while to kick in, but oh boy did it kick in. I didn't even notice the tiredness that much because I was having severe heart palpitations. My vision was going from normal to black and to normal again all the time. I was dizzy and desoriented and felt my heart was about to jump out of my chest, and sometimes it stopped beating for several seconds. I legit thought I might die in the audience of a debate on ethical farming.

Of course I didn't take the pills the next day and started looking for another psychiatrist. I got an appointment relatively quickly at a private one, it was relatively hopeless to get an appointment with one my insurance would pay, but I thought if she could help me, money wouldn't matter. She prescribed me some stuff that didn't do much harm but also didn't do much good. basically, i was a little tired but that was it. i got a therapist.

About 9 months passed, I had several psychiatrist appointments where I told her the meds didn't do much good, but she never really changed anything. She also insisted that I would get tested for Borderline personality disorder and the psychologist she told me to go to diagnosed me with it. My therapist at the time agreed with me that there was no way in hell that I have BPD, but she also said that when psychiatrists see an adult who self harms, BPD is the only thing that can explain that for them.

Then fall came and a new uni semester started. I had been alright over summer, I had broken up with my girlfriend, but of course with the start of the semester, everything came crashing down.

I lasted a month in university until i impulsively took the whole pack of Seroquel I still had laying around and went to the hospital telling them i was suicidal and also told them what i had done.

Now, I have to say that the nurses in this hospital were absolute angels. They treated my with respect, I almost felt mothered. I was given a lot of activated charcoal and basically had a good night in the hospital. I also got stitches for my freshest self harm injuries, but I had several ones that were too old to be treated that way.

The next morning I was transferred. Can you guess where to? The mental hospital i had been to as a teen. Again, I didn't have a choice.

But overall, the experience at the emergency ward was not as horrible as the first time. I was an adult now and actually treated like a human person. it says a lot about my first experience that I was very surprised by that.

I felt better rather quickly, mostly because the stress factory university was eliminated. The doctor there again insisted that I had BPD even when I said that was ridiculous. They evalued me again and the psychologist came to the conclusion that I had a borderline accentuation, basically borderline borderline.

The emergency ward doctor talked me into treatment at the psychotherapy ward, so I did that for 8 weeks. it was okay, again I was treated way better than as a teen. I was allowed to have an opinion about the medication, I was even allowed to read the little side effect pamphlets. But overall it didn't really do it, I self harmed less but I still self harmed.

During that stay I decided to drop out of university and start an apprenticeship as a baker. I found a company to work for, I loved work, then Corona happened. The company had to shut down. They laid me off after I had only worked there for three weeks. Basically I fell into a hole again, became a depressive husk again.

Then some time passes and a new therapist asked me why I didn't want to go to university anymore, she basically thought i was too intelligent not to. I told her how I could never focus, how I struggled with procrastination, how I couldn't handle the pressure and she recommended that I get assessed for ADHD. Now, I had suspended I had ADHD for years, but I didn't want to bring it up myself. I didn't want to seem like hypochondriac, or an attention whore, and after all, I had told so many people about my struggles and they never suspended ADHD. But I was relieved she brought it up and I had an "excuse" to get assessed. I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD soon after and happily went to my psychiatrist with my brand new diagnosis, I was full of hope that I would finally be "fixed". She basically told me she couldn't help me because she didn't know a lot about adhd. She prescribed me a very low dosage of Strattera (10 mg) and recommend me a specialist. I called the specialist, but they told me they couldn't give me an appointment and I should call in a few months, maybe it would be possible then.

It was july, and over the course of summer I decided I would try university again. Maybe if I was medicated for ADHD, I would actually be able to study. In fall of 2020, I started a brand new program, something very different from what I had done before.

I realized pretty quickly that the Strattera wasn't helping so I found a private ADHD specialist. I was extremely excited for the appointment. Again I thought "I only have to get through these few weeks, then I will finally get proper treatment" I didn't get proper treatment. He prescribed me more Strattera, which didn't help. The next appointment was a month after the first and again, I was excited. I was sure thia time he would fix me. I was sure after that appointment I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. But again, despite me saying I wanted to try something different, and that Strattera was not helping at all, he prescribed more Strattera.

Then university was getting really stressful, I had exams before Christmas, I was frustrated about him not listening to me. I started having suicidal thoughts again, I even relapsed with self harm, it had been months since the last time. But I more or less got through it in a piece, I even passed the exams (surprisingly), and was again looking forward to the next psychiatrist appointment after the Christmas vacation.

Strattera wasn't doing nothing, but it was not doing anything helpful. Basically, it made me feel quite relaxed, chill, less stressed. Which sounds good at first. But in order to get anything done, I rely on negative motivation. Basically, if I'm not panicking over possibly failing an exam, I'm just simply not going to study. So Strattera took the tiny bit of self-discipline and motivation that I had away and replaced it with a "idgaf"-attitude.Of course I told the psychiatrist. But can you guess what he did? Bingo, he upped the Strattera dosage. Again.

Then I had a second appointment with a new therapist, an ADHD specialist for adults. I told her how he did not care what I told him about Strattera and she was extremely upset and said that I can't let myself be treated like that. I needed to call him immediately and yell at him until he does something actually useful. I was baffled. I am not a confrontational person at all and I had never even considered actually arguing with a doctor. Yes I know, it sounds stupid in hindsight, but even after all that I had experienced, I still naively thought the professionals know best.

Okay so I called him. unsuccessful. I texted him. he ignored me. He had ignored my texts telling him that I was actually worse even before that last appointment, even though he told me to contact him with any concerns, and said that he prefered texts best, I thought he was maybe busy or something and didn't think much of it, but then he was ignoring my calls and texts. I was basically ghosted by a s

psychiatrist.

Okay I thought, then I'll simply go to someone else. To my suprise I got an appointment really quickly. I knew this wasn't a good sign, because good psychiatrists, if there even are any, don't have appointments free that soon.

But still, I had hope. And was of course disappointed again. I went to her with a professional ADHD diagnosis, but for her, that wasn't good enough. She had the audacity to tell me I needed another diagnosis from her psychologist friend who, by the way, has his office in a town over an hour away. She refused to treat me at all until I got that second diagnosis. Now,. I went to her out of pure desperation, out of knowing I simply could not go on like this any longer. Because I needed treatment quickly. And she told me she wouldn't give me that. I couldn't keep a few tears from escaping my eyea, she noticed and said very condescendingly "you don't have to cry, that's normal procedure". I tried my best to fight the tears, but as soon as I left her office, I started bawling my eyes out in the middle of town

And then I knew I was done. I had tried and tried again to get help, and I had not gotten it, I had not been listened to. Something in me snapped right in front of that office building.

I went home and threw my medication in the trash. Sure, it's bad to quit cold turkey like that, but honestly I don't care. I'm done. I'm done with psychiatry, I'm done with doctors. I have had the patience of a saint, but enough is enough. That was yesterday. And today I flipped a coin, twice, once for the psychiatrist and once for the new therapist. It told me to quit both of them, so I did.

I'm done with the mental health industrial complex. It has not helped me in all those years. I have only been sedated. Fuck psychiatry, fuck psychiatrists. Maybe I am simply meant to be miserable. I'll probably drop out of uni again, I thought I would be able to do it with treatment, but I did not get treatment, and I simply cannot do it this way. I've already attempted suicide because of academic pressure twice. Maybe I'll just have to live a miserable life working a low-paying job until I'm sad enough to finally actually kill myself. I'll probably always be a wreck, but at least I won't be a sedated wreck any longer. I'll be free, until I will be free for real.

Thank you for reading all this. I know it was a lot, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you.

[wu-sisyphus-gang]

Motion Sickness Chapter 73

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(Ruby PoV)

"You spent the night in his room," Blake accused Weiss as she rejoined us.

"He had nightmares that kept him up. Dreams from Salem," Weiss responded. "Nothing happened."

"I gave it away to Adam too soon. I regret it."

"Nothing happened," Weiss repeated.

"And our Cloud isn't like your Adam," I said. "I don't regret having sex with him the times that I did. It was wonderful. If something happened between Weiss and him, it's not like what happened between you and Adam."

"And I'm telling you nothing happened anyways. I set boundaries and he respected them," Weiss said.

"He never did that at Beacon," Yang tossed in. "He was always all over you."

"He was a newborn at Beacon. And it was never as bad as I made it seem," Weiss defended. "He was always polite and… he was afraid. It was a first crush and it was never like what Blake must have gone through. Jaune, when he was Jaune, pressured me into going to the movies, not even close to sex. It's just not the same. I think he would have been scared of something like that."

"So what did you get up to, then?" Yang asked. She sounded bored.

"He told me a bit about what his new meds were like. How they all had side effects and he was on some just to treat the side effects of others. He said he felt doped up all the time," Weiss answered. "He said he felt half asleep."

"That's no good if he gets in a fight," Yang muttered.

"Cloud is skilled. He should be fine," I defended.

"I don't know. I'm worried about him, Ruby," Weiss said. "His nightmares are bad. And Salem is always trying to press on his mind."

"So what should we do? It's not like we can kill Salem. She's invincible, or close to it," I murmured.

"Does Cloud know that?" Blake asked. "I wouldn't tell him. He might decide to kill himself if he thought it was hopeless. He told me he tried it after he killed Ren and Nora."

"He tried to kill himself?" Weiss asked, astonished.

"You didn't know?" Blake returned. "He mentioned it to me when we talked about Adam."

"No, I didn't know." Weiss shot a look back through the door she came through, she looked like she might go back to him.

"Maybe we should talk to him," I managed.

"You haven't been able to help him yet," Blake muttered.

"Blake! Who's side are you on?" Weiss asked.

"His, evidently. I think he agrees with me about him," Blake returned. "I think he knows his situation is hopeless."

"He's not hopeless. He's resisting her," I said.

"How long can he keep that up?" Blake wondered. Her palms outstretched. "Even he doesn't think he can last forever against her, does he?" She shot the last bit to Weiss.

"He thinks it's permanent brain damage. He thinks he's having seizures or strokes," Weiss said. "He thinks she'll get to him. Especially while he's sleeping."

I chewed on my lip. "So what do we do? Send him back to the hospital?" I wondered.

Weiss winced. "Cloud won't like that. They took his weapon away last time. He doesn't want to go back and 'get locked up.'"

"Should he even have his weapon?" Yang asked. We all looked at her. "Well should he? He's a little fucked up."

"When he killed for the first time, I was so worried about him. It doesn't seem like he's slowed down since then. It's all been a blur," I said. "I was so worried. I thought I messed everything up. But what if this has just been in him. Festering beneath the surface. He's been sick."

"He is. I hoped that we would be able to take care of him. Are we going to give that up?" Weiss asked.

"I don't know. What do we do, Weiss?"

"Me? I have no idea."

"You've always been the smart one."

"So I should know what to do about this?" She shook her head. "I have no clue. He's in a lot of pain. All the time."

"Well, where is he now?" I asked.

She pointed back at the door she came through. "He's getting ready for another day. I don't know if he has an assignment or if he's just slated for training."

"We should be too," Blake said. she got up and began pulling her nightwear off. "I'm sure he has his head in the game."

"Blake is probably right." Weiss slunk inside and began to strip out of her clothes too. "Maybe we'll get lucky and only have training today. She stripped down to her brassiere before I looked away.

Bad bi thoughts. Now is not the time.

I dressed supernaturally fast and was waiting for Cloud outside of his room for when he was ready in just a few minutes.

He strode from his room looking tall, dark, and handsome. His massive blade was in its harness behind his back.

"Ja-Cloud, Weiss told me a bit about what you're going through with your meds. I just wanted you to know I'm here for you. If you needed anything."

He looked surprised. His eyes flickered over my head towards my room for a moment. Then they came back to me. "I know Ruby. It's just Salem. She's always on me."

"Cloud… I talked to Ozpin… I wanted to let you know that Salem is invincible."

"Immortal," he corrected. "Not invincible."

"You knew?" I asked.

"It's what I asked the relic of knowledge. How to defeat her, I mean. I have a plan. I'm going to cut her into pieces and never ever give her the chance to heal."

"You think that will work?" I wondered. My gaze brushed over his bronze and white sword.

"It's worth a shot. If not I'm doomed."

"You're not doomed. And you're not… you're not thinking about killing yourself, are you?"

He sighed. He met my eye. "Don't freak out on me Ruby."

"I won't." I vowed.

"I'm always thinking about killing myself. It seems like the fastest way to get away from her."

My mouth dropped open. "Cloud…"

"Other times it seems like exactly what she wants. I have no idea what to do."

"You're not going to hurt yourself, are you?" I pleaded and begged.

"Probably not today."

"Cloud…" I murmured.

"It has nothing to do with you, or how great you are to me." He pulled his hand down and cupped my cheek. "It all has to do with her. With my mother. Her control over my mind isn't simple. She is constantly attacking my subconscious. That's what makes it hard to resist. If I'm paying attention it's easy enough for the most part, but I have to constantly be afraid of what's slipping through the cracks. Like calling her my mother, for one. That's constantly coming through, no matter how hard I try. I have to be afraid of what else is happening like that."

"She is your mother," I whispered.

"That's not why I call her that, though." He sighed and shifted. He grabbed the hilt of his weapon for a long moment. Like he might draw it. But against what? It was just him, I, and his loud thoughts in a long corridor.

He released the long red handle and sighed. He rubbed his face hard.

"Weiss mentioned you were having strokes and seizures."

"I asked her not to share that with you…"

"What? Why?" I had to wonder. My heart broke a little.

"I didn't want to worry you. This is normal for me now. I was worried it would break your little Ruby heart."

"Too late…" I grumbled. "You should know you can share anything with me."

"You're right. Of course you're right. And you'd be right to be worried about me. Something is happening to me that I can't understand."

Weiss, Blake, and Yang walked out of our room but only Weiss walked over to us.

"You told her about the seizures," Cloud commented.

"Of course," Weiss said. She crossed her arms. "It was never up for a discussion."

"Fair enough," Cloud whistled. "Fair cop."

"Blake mentioned you tried to kill yourself," Weiss went on. "But you didn't feel like sharing that with us."

Cloud scratched the back of his head. "It slipped my mind amongst everything else."

"Uh huh," Weiss muttered tursley. Her expression made it clear that wasn't going to fly. "Are you forgetting anything else?"

I crossed my arms beside her but I don't think I managed to direct the same amount of disappointment at him as she did.

"I promise to tell at least one of you if I remember," Cloud vowed.

"At least one of us?" Weiss asked. She leveled her glare at him and flared her nostrils in his direction.

"Both of you, then." Cloud agreed. "And the moment I remember."

"That's how things need to be for this to work," Weiss said.

"You got it." I thought Cloud might salute at her but that would be just a bit much.

"Look I don't want to be the bad guy here," Weiss murmured. "But this needs to be ironed out."

"You're not. It's on me. Pinkie swear," Cloud seemed all onboard.

Weiss sighed. "We're worried about you. We don't know how to help you."

"I think that no one can. And I resent putting you in that position."

"We want to be in that position," I said softly. "We want to try our hardest to help you."

Cloud looked stunned. His jaw worked for a moment while he tried to figure out something to say. "You're right. I'm sorry. You of all people I shouldn't be cutting out like that. I just don't know what to do. And I'm scared. I'm scared that there's nothing you can do."

"Let us try," I whispered.

He reeled back like I struck him across the face. He flinched back and had trouble meeting my eye.

He gave a slow firm nod of assent. It couldn't be mistaken for anything else. He was giving his word that he would do what he could to help us help him.

"Now," I said with all that cleared up. "Do you need to go back to the hospital?"

"I don't know. They weren't the most helpful. They took my weapon away. They take everything away. There's nothing to do but wait for my next meal. It makes me feel like a dog."

"You're not a dog," Weiss murmured.

"I am to Salem," he countered. "She's so old and strong. I'm like a dog to her if she's like a person to me."

"Is anything getting better on your medication?" I asked.

"Maybe the hallucinations but it's hard to tell." He rubbed his face with his hand. "There's not exactly a good reference frame for it. How loud they are. How intense they are."

"How many medications are you on at this point? You said they kept prescribing things."

"Four. Two tranquilizers, an antipsychotic, and some other one that's supposed to help with racing thoughts and tremors caused by the others."

"Is that a lot?" I asked Weiss with a look.

"I don't know," Weiss muttered. "I'm not a psychiatrist."

"They want to get me down to just two medications. They're still experimenting with what works and what doesn't. Some of the medications can make things worse more than they make things better. It's not exact and I just have to trust that they know what they're doing."

"Maybe we need to get a second opinion," Weiss crossed her arms. "Maybe we need to talk to a private provider."

"That means telling them my story again, and it'll take time."

"And it will cost money," I said.

"Money isn't a problem. I have some bank accounts from when I stole from people on the wrong side of the law with millions of Lien, still," Cloud said.

"Who'd you steal that from?" Weiss asked.

"Don Corneo. Then I killed him. Neo and I did. I still have those private bank accounts, they didn't take them from me when I was arrested. Didn't know that they existed."

"Hang in there, Cloud. We'll find something that works for you," Weiss murmured. "It can and will get better."

"I just… I just don't think we will. Don't think it will. Mother's hooks are in me deep. And if this is all I have to look forward to, maybe I should kill myself."

"Don't think that way," I pleaded.

"I am thinking that way. All the time. I can't help it," he muttered. "I obsess about it. Part of why I think maybe she wants me to do it. She told me to run away, in a whisper, once. This is the ultimate form of that. I'm terrified that if I try and kill myself I won't die and I'll become even more of a burden on you both."

"Holy shit," I breathed, eyes wide.

"Let's get that second opinion. It's a good place to start," Weiss said. "Then we'll see. Just… just don't do anything rash."

He gave us a shaky but agreeable nod.

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"How's your boyfriend and girlfriend?" Penny asked as the truck hummed along.

"We had a date that went well the other day. All three of us. But… but Weiss and I are worried about him. I worry about him all the time. He has all these dark thoughts. Remnants of what Salem did to his mind," I answered. "I don't know how to help him. He's struggling and I'm not sure how to reach him."

"Well what did Salem do to him?"

"She took over his mind. He says she spoke and he had to obey."

"Like he was programmed to?" She asked. I looked at Penny. She was a machine for all that she was a real person too, maybe she had some insights I was lacking because of how she was made. "I'm slated for a sparring match with him later this week. His powers make it so that he might be able to keep up with me and present me a real one on one challenge. My abilities often make it difficult for an individual to contest me alone. Ironwood said to treat it like I was fighting Cinder Fall because of how he might have magic. It might be my best chance to practice against such a foe until Winter becomes the new winter maiden."

"That's…" I paused. I hadn't had the chance to go up against him myself any time recently. Not since before Weiss and Yang showed up in Mistral. "I should spar with him too. We always used to back in Anima. I miss it." I shook those thoughts off. "And he says his subconscious is always under her attack. He's afraid of what might be coming through when he's not paying attention. And even when he is sometimes things slip past him."

"He's on a medication regiment, yes?"

I nodded. "But he's not sure how well it's working."

"If I found out I was programmed to do something I hated I'm not sure how I would respond," Penny said. She shook her head slightly. "It would make me sad to say nothing else. And he killed his friends. I can only imagine how hard that would be."

I nodded. "But Salem hasn't had any control over him since then."

"That he himself knows of. If I was programmed against my will I don't know that I would notice it. Would I? Could I? Perhaps that's what he's afraid of. He might be afraid of doing her will unknowingly."

"He said that about killing himself. That he wasn't sure if he would just be playing into her hands if he did take his life. It's… it's too scary to think about. What if I lost him again? It would be my own fault."

"No one would hold you responsible. Salem is a monster. And she's doing something horrible to him. She's hacking his brain."

"Is there any way I can keep him safe? He doesn't sleep well. He says he's vulnerable to her while he does."

"He's probably right. And sleep is a time for the brain to repair itself. Has he suffered any other brain trauma related phenomena?"

"He thinks he's having miniature strokes and seizures because of it."

"Ruby… this sounds bad," Penny confessed to me. "It sounds like she's winning. Slowly but surely. She's breaking him down into what she wants him to be. If he was a machine like me it would be fast but this wetware attack is slow going."

"What do I do, Penny? How do I save him from this?"

"I'm not sure that you can, it sounds like he must fight as well as he is able against her attacks. For as long as he is able."

The truck rolled along for a quiet moment.

"He has sisters, right? They might be able to shed some light on this. The successful models may know more," Penny murmured.

"They work for Salem. She has them too."

"Ruby…"

I felt like crying. I felt so utterly helpless. How could I possibly save him from this… this nightmare he lived in.

"I'm going to be there for him. Whatever he needs. I won't let him lose himself. Not over to Salem."

"Ruby I think… I think you should start to let go. Remember him how he was, before it's too late. Before she takes him."

"I'm not going to give up on him. I refuse to abandon him." I was adamant.

"I think you're going to hurt yourself. I hate to see you this way."

"Weiss and I will come up with a plan to keep him safe."

"It doesn't sound like you can. He's being hacked remotely. Not unless you kill Salem. Stop things at the source."

"We can't kill her. She's immortal. Like Ozpin." It was so unfair. It felt like checkmate five turns ago. "I won't let him walk through hell. I would lose myself for him."

"Ruby…"

"I mean it. If I have to fight Salem herself I will. Cloud says he knows where she is all the time. Like some kind of radar. We can find her and beat her. She's only immortal. Not invincible. That's what Cloud said. I'm going to help him cut her into tiny pieces so she can never harm a hair on his head again."

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-WG

[that-sex-girl]

Hey, it's pregnancy-anon again. (just gonna call myself that so you know what I am referring to) your answer was really really helpful. I feel way too young to have a baby cause I'm under 25, but in the past few weeks or months the topic has just made me incredibly curious. Don't know why, I just am curious but not looking to prepare myself or sth. I know it's v individual. So yeah, I've actually got a few more questions. :)

I feel like so many women struggle with nausea and I'm thinking like... How bad can that be? Cause personally I hate no illness more than anything related to throwing up and I'd be scared of that. Also, when did you first feel the baby? I remember seeing a film in which the woman said she was sure she had felt something, just an unknown presence, a few weeks along, but that physically it doesn't make a change really.

Also I was wondering what else changes during pregnancy or what changed for you? I mean except for the typical no alcohol no coffee stuff. I've been going the possibility of becoming pregnant one day through and through in my head, and I realised that I'm really scared of my life and body (stretch marks etc.) changing and that this defo is a sign i am far away from ready.

And last. Pregnancy sex. This is probably stupid but should the guy still come inside you or is that somehow bad? How deep should he go anyways?

I hope this isn't all too weird to ask, it's just. A lot of questions on my mind and in rl I don't have a woman present I could talk to about it. 😊 Let me know if this is too much or I'll probably come up with more asks

Hi! Please feel free to ask anything!

So my nausea was probably slightly above average bad. Just for perspective: I lost 30lbs in a single month, couldn't eat anything other than bananas and crackers, and would also vomit from smells, empty stomach, too full stomach, or just because sometimes! Mine lasted until about week 22. I was able to take prescribed nausea meds that definitely helped me keep food down and introduce new foods. As much as it sucked, by about the third week of puking 5+ times a day, I got so used to it I would puke in a bag in my car right before walking into a client's house, swig some mouthwash, and go do my job. It just became another thing! Some people experience nausea so bad it lands them in the hospital for a large portion of or the entire pregnancy. Some people don't experience it at all, some experience nausea but never actually vomit. It really can vary from nothing to as bad as you can imagine.

I personally started feeling the baby around week 15/16. I wouldn't feel him everyday, just every now and then when I would drink something sugary or eat something spicy. But by week 18 I was feeling every day, all the time. He would be still for 10-15 minutes at a time but he was very very active. I had what's called an anterior placenta, which means my placenta was in the front of my uterus instead of the top, so my husband very rarely got to feel the kicks because of the extra layer of "padding" but for me I felt them even more in my ribs and stomach, which when he was practically fully cooked could hurt like a motherfucker 😅 Most people start to feel their first kicks at 4 months and other people can feel them by 6 months. They say you feel them earlier with your second because then you know what to expect.

As far as changes, the biggest one for me was daily subdermal injections in my stomach of blood thinners. I have a genetic blood disorder called Factor V Liden, which essentially means my blood is thicker and likelier to clot. Being pregnant raises your risk of clots and therefore risk of miscarriage, so my doctor put me on injections as soon as I knew I was pregnant (8 weeks). My husband did them for me because I could never work up the courage. I was constantly sore and bruised even though my husband did his best to do it with care. At 32 weeks I had to start getting them twice a day and kept that up up until 2 weeks post partum. It REALLY sucked. As far as my body changing, I already had stretch marks but I definitely have more. I don't mind them though, I've done a lot of work on my body image with the help of therapy and body positive activities ❤️ I was 28 when I gave birth to my son. Its definitely not something I would rush into, and part of me even wishes I would have waited a little longer. Pregnancy is the easiest thing in the world compared to caring for a baby... and then a toddler.... and then a kid! 🙃

For pregnancy sex, nothing really is different! When you get pregnant your cervix becomes covered by something called "the mucus plug" that prevents anything from leaving or entering your uterus. So your partner can cum inside you with no worries. This mucus plug falls out right before you go into labor. And your partner can still go as deep as they did before, as long as it's comfortable for you it's fine for the pregnancy. Although you may have an active little baby kicking you in the ribs for a little while after because of the disturbance and rise in your heart rate!

Thanks for the ask!

~TSG

[dr-gloom]

A Post About Top Surgery From Someone Who’s Currently Recovering

Yo! I’m gonna make a Trans Survival Guide sometime soon but until then I’ve had some stuff on my mind I wanted to get out here for anyone thinking about/waiting for top surgery. I’ll try to keep it reader-friendly cause i totally understand how hard it can be to read large blocks of text

So, here we go.

Pre-Op

You’ll be asked to not drink or smoke for anywhere from a month to 2 weeks prior to surgery, depending on your surgeon’s preference.

They ask that you only use Tylenol if you need to take pain meds as ibuprofen is a blood thinner and can lead to surgical complications.

If you take vitamins or supplements of any kind, get it cleared with your surgeon or stop taking them as well.

You are absolutely allowed to ask a surgeon how many surgeries they’ve done, their success-to-revision rate, their style if they haven’t already told you, and anything else. 

You won’t offend them, and even if you do, making sure you’re going with the surgery you want is waaaay more important. Put your health and your chest above their feelings.

You’re also allowed to meet up with other surgeons to make sure you’re making the best choice. Consider this “shopping”. Just because you met a surgeon, doesn’t mean you have to go with them.

The Surgery

The specific details may vary, but from my own experience, this is how it goes. 

You’re given a time to check in, then you’re called in from the waiting room to go into Pre-Op. 

For me, this meant chillin for a couple hours under a heated blanket, IV in my arm and heart monitor on my finger. 

Until you’re taken into surgery, a lot of nothing happens, and the everything happens. You meet your surgeon so he can draw on you. You meet the anesthesiology team and presiding nurses etc. 

You can absolutely ask them any question you have, express any anxiety, no judgement. The more vocal you are, the more they can help you and by extension themselves. 

I told the anesthesiologist I’d never had surgery before so I was stressed about going under, and they put something in my IV to help me relax before I was wheeled into the OR. Then they put the mask thing over my mouth and I was out. 

You’ll be chillin naked under a hospital gown for a while lol. After you wake up, if it’s an outpatient procedure, they’ll keep you until they’re sure you’re stable - oriented, no vomiting, etc - before wheeling you out to go home. 

You’ll feel kind of slow, very tired, maybe loopy, and of course whatever you tend to feel from anesthesia. For anyone who’s never had surgery, affects range from nausea to coldness to sleepiness to Total Crap.

Incisions and Types of Surgery

There are of course the two main distinctions most people know: key-hole and double incision. What many don’t know is there are vast differences in surgeons’ styles when it comes to these. I’ve seen double incisions shaped like

smiles

a straight line across the chest

two straight lines

two slightly curved lines

incisions that meet in the middle (as mine did, but only to avoid “dog ears”)

incisions that follow the pectoral muscle

This doesn’t even include botched stitching

If you can, ask to see pictures. They may or may not be allowed to show you; if they have a prior patient’s permission, they can.

Just to cover my bases: key-hole is a small incision made near the nipple which can only really be done for those with small breasts (A cups or smaller ((apparently there are smaller ones???))). 

I still recommend double incision, because you have better results and are less likely to have excess skin. The only drawback is the scarring but I believe it’s worth it.

Pain and Pain Management

Typically, from my understanding, top surgeries are outpatient surgeries if you have to travel to get to your surgeon. 

This is cause they want you numb while you’re travelling back home. 

Of course, I’m speaking as someone from Sacramento who had to travel to San Francisco to see a top surgeon so of course you should check with your surgeon about these specifics.

You’ll get prescription meds. If you stay within the guidelines set for you on the dosage label, you won’t get addicted, so don’t put yourself through pain just cause you’re scared of addiction, trust me.  

It is completely possible and probable for you to swell if you don’t have drains. 

Your chest will feel swollen, maybe spongey ((BUT STOP TOUCHING IT)) and that’s normal. 

If the skin feels heated, you get a fever, you have a hard time breathing, it’s tender to the touch (more than it should be), or makes liquid sounds, CALL YOUR SURGEON/RN.

For me, it was like this:

The first day wasn’t too bad, neither was the second day. The third and fourth hurt the worst, but the pain you feel after the first check-up is different and worse. 

You get the gauze taken off your nipples, whatever compression device they have you use is taken off for the first time and you’re moving skin for the first time in at least a week. It hurts. 

It goes from “bad bruise” pain to “oh shit my chest was cut” pain. If you’ve got a little meat on your bones and your skin tends to fold a little, that can cause irritation too. It sucks.

After about Week 2, you can switch from prescription meds to Tylenol, but not Ibuprofen just to be safe.

Surgery Aftercare

Range of Motion:

They’ll tell you not to raise your hands above your head. 

They’ll say no heavy lifting or working out. 

You absolutely cannot use your arms to sit up. 

You should not go your full reach without doctor approval. 

Try to avoid reaching out to the side or behind you. 

Bending over is also something you wanna avoid cause as your midsection bunches up it can rub/crease your incisions and that hurts.

Ideal Outfit/Clothes:

Honestly if you can avoid wearing anything but underwear and the compression garment, go for it. 

If you can’t, button-ups or tank tops with big arm holes are your best friend. 

For the first few days at least have someone else help you dress. 

I’d suggest loose, non-button/zipper pants such as sweats or gym shorts.

 No shoes with laces/velcro since you can’t bend over - sandals/flipflops are best.

Medications:

As mentioned earlier, you’ll be given prescription pain meds. Take them as prescribed and you’ll be fine. 

If you feel any of the negative side effects like hives or fever or nausea, absolutely stop taking them and contact your doctor. 

You’ll also likely be given antibiotics to prevent infection. Take ALL OF THEM, as prescribed. 

Depending on how you react to anesthesia and who your surgeon is, you may also be given stool softener. 

Bottom line: take ALL of your meds AS DIRECTED. These people know what they’re doing.

If you’re doing everything safe and nothing has set you back, typically you’re good to drive around 3 weeks after, workout lightly about 4 or 5 weeks after, and everything else about 6-8 weeks after.

*****This post was made from things I have learned and my own current experience. If I haven’t mentioned something it’s because I don’t know about it and I’d prefer you have to find information elsewhere than risk spreading false information******