#i will probably go to the hospital soon but i was prescribed meds to help first but i cant have dairy 1 hr before or 2 hrs after

[bluedalahorse]

Updates below the cut, as I expressed the story of yesterday in somewhat comedic terms, but I’m sure the subtext was concerning.

So yesterday I went into work under a lot of stress about the various deadlines I have to meet. I also noticed I was developing an ear infection. I get those a lot because I have tiny ear canals and sometimes with congestion from fall allergies the whole ENT system gets fucked up. As such I know what an ear infection feels like, so I figured I’d leave work early, go to the urgent care down the road, get some antibiotics, and go home to rest and meet my writing deadline.

Well, I went to the urgent care and after waiting three hours or so they were like, you have an ear infection but your blood pressure is super high, and we need to send you to the ER to lower it. (I have a family history, and with the amount of stress I’ve been under lately, I imagine genetics decided it was time to kick in.) I was freaking out at that point because I hadn’t had dinner yet, and what they were talking about sounded like… idk, how long was I gonna be in the hospital? Forever? And that shit is expensive even with insurance, so, you know.

So I asked if I could call @coruscantrhapsody to come get me. I knew I needed to go to the ER but also that I didn’t want to go, and that I would try to get out of it because I was scared and tired and yet try to make myself appear competent at all costs. I also knew she could convince me to go. So she came to me at the urgent care right away, and she brought plush Sara and plush August, and we made plans to go to the ER together.

And honestly, she got me through it like a champ. We coped through silly jokes and dark humor, and a little bit of singing of Disney songs. When the nurse took my blood sample (which came back in good shape, thankfully) she said it was totally appropriate for Halloween. Then she got me home before midnight and now is working from home today while I stay home. I’ll probably be taking tomorrow off too. I’m going to walk to the pharmacy soon to pick up the meds they prescribed me and then I’m going to come back home and not deal with logistics until the afternoon at least.

I still have some deadlines to meet, but they’re going to be shifting now and I think I can get some extensions for the stuff I need to get extended on. And I think this is the basis of a conversation with my employer about like. Idk. I woke up today 95% grateful for the people who love and care for me and who helped me out yesterday, and I’m also grateful that I lucked out with doctors and nurses that night because the medical system is honestly terrible, but 5% of me is like Fuck The Grind that got me here. You know? And I can sort of bookmark that idea and come back to it when I’m ready. Which I will do. But first, it is time to rest. I can deal with everything else after I rest. And I got home in time to listen to the old War of the Worlds radio play tonight and enjoy it, and that’s incredibly important to me.

Tl;dr I spent an evening in the emergency room last night, hooked up to machines and holding an August Horn plushie in my lap, but I’m ok now thanks to my best friend’s care and all-around amazingness.

[frogofalltime]

day 8

today started off pretty good, i got up as soon as my alarm rang, had breakfast, got ready, took my meds etc

today my dosage was increased which is a bit scary but i can't say for certain if it's made anything better or worse

around midday i walked to the students union to meet my friends and on the way there i suddenly felt a sharp pain in my left side underneath my ribs. i have had some pain there since the weekend, it was hurting when i coughed, but this new pain was constant and much worse. it made it hard to walk but i didn't have much further to go so it was okay

we held some beautiful creatures at the students union !!! i never imagined that i would one day have a skunk asleep curled up on my lap but here we are. i was so happy that i forgot about the pain for a while.

afterwards i walked home because we had an online statistics exam at 1pm. however the pain got worse and worse and it was really hard to keep walking. i felt like i was going to throw up.

when i got home i procrastinated for a while before finally starting the exam. i was in a lot of pain which made it really hard to focus. luckily i get extra time and rest breaks in exams, because of disability accommodations, so i was able to take breaks to move around, go to the bathroom, eat lunch, etc.

i finished the exam, it took me around 2 and a half hours. i think i did well but i am not sure because the pain was so bad and it was distracting me a lot. i didn't want to take painkillers because i'm already on two medications and i feel like i have enough weird stuff in my bloodstream

i was going to go to a local protest for palestine with @wiggles-mcgee but it hurt too much to move so i had to stay home, unfortunately. i felt quite upset about this and i felt like i was stuck.

my mother called me and i told her what happened and she says i probably pulled a muscle at the weekend from coughing too violently and then it was triggered today when i was walking ?? idk. she told me to rest as much as possible and not leave the house until it feels better.

after she put the phone down i procrastinated for a few hours because i was going to study and then cook dinner but i didn't have the energy to do either of those things (because i had socialised then sat an exam and then talked on the phone, all of which take a lot of energy from me)

then i got a message from @etherealspacejelly saying they were feeling really bad side effects of the meds and had to go to hospital. so of course that made me panic a lot, especially since i couldn't go with him because i live 10 minutes away and i literally can't walk

i had a pretty bad meltdown. it lasted quite a while. when that finally subsided i was feeling far too sick to cook or eat. and i was also still very worried and constantly checking my phone. i couldn't do anything else because of anxiety.

also i found out you're not supposed to take adhd medication if you're on antidepressants or have mental illnesses ?? but my doctor prescribed it to me anyway even though i have all those things ??

i talked to robin for a while and they realised that i hadn't eaten and encouraged me to get some food. so i had some soup and toast and nuts at around 2am. which is a weird time to eat a meal, i know, but it had been over 12 hours since lunch and i couldn't sleep anyway so it made sense

now i'm procrastinating washing my dishes. robin is finally home from the hospital after many hours. the doctor said it's okay and the meds should settle down in a few weeks ?? which kind of sucks because why would you have to keep taking medications that make you ill ?

i'm going to wash my dishes and then i think i will shower before i go to bed because i feel very weird and my head hurts and my eyes are all puffy so maybe it will help. it's literally 4am. yeehaw

honestly i was very unproductive today but that's because i went to meet the animals in the morning, had an exam in the afternoon and i was in so much pain, and then the hospital situation happened, so i definitely have an excuse. also i am worried about having a similar reaction to the medication as robin, because he is feeling very unwell from it, and i don't want that to happen to me as well :/

so yea stay tuned for more updates i really hope the pain in my left side goes away soon so i don't have to visit the hospital too

[fanby-fckry]

Content Warning: medical/hospitals, emeto; if you’re at risk for sympathy nausea, don’t read this.

TLDR: Message replies may be slow due to Symptoms™️. I am safe, just straight up not having a good time right now.

…

My prescriber said that the nausea from the withdrawals would go away almost as soon as I started taking my meds again. Specifically that it was one med in particular, and there’d be a “noticeable difference,” as soon as I took it.

But uhh… I’m not feeling it.

And this provider is new + we didn’t have time to go over a lot of details of my medical history because I was trying to explain the situation with my meds while having no coherent thoughts and a fuckton of anxiety and nausea, so I don’t think she knows that I have an additional physical condition that just… causes extreme nausea from time to time? And often gets set off by nausea from unrelated conditions?

Like, if I get the flu, there’s a good chance I’ll wind up in the hospital on an IV because it set off the other condition and I’ll so nauseous that I can’t even keep fluids down.

It happened multiple times as a preteen and teen and once as an adult. I’ve mostly got a handle on it now; I know ways to manage my symptoms before they start the Endless Cycle of Nausea, but there’s a point where those methods fall short. And I’m scared this might be it.

It doesn’t help that I’m getting emotional over other shit and there’s an emotional component to things. Underlying chronic illness + physical illness, withdrawals, and/or stress -> nausea -> anxiety/stress about symptoms -> increased nausea -> vomiting -> dehydration -> increased nausea -> repeat until hospital.

I’m trying my usual methods – the ginger chews and crackers and breathing exercises and keeping myself hydrated and eating when I’m hungry, eating slowly, avoiding irritants…

Oh fuck I just remembered, I let my dumb withdrawal cravings trick me into eating pickles earlier today because I was feeling better. Past me is a dumbass, vinegar is an irritant. Fuck.

I’d make a joke about shaking past me by the shoulders, but that sounds like a great way to make the nausea worse and I don’t wanna jinx myself lol.

Uhhh so yeah that’s what’s up with me. If I have delayed replies to messages, it means I got motion sick scrolling. Because that’s a thing my brain has decided makes me nauseous. Also, probably gonna avoid scrolling the dash for a while for that same reason, and also some gifs can set it off as well. Shaky camera, 1st person POV, stuff like that. And idk if people tag that/what they tag it for, so there’s not a good way to avoid it.

[tsukidrama]

okay so like as im typing this out i feel lowkey pathetic as fuck but i just easily had the worst day of my entire life and i lowkey need somebody anybody who wasn't with me to tell me "im glad you're okay and u didn't deserve all of that"

i frew up....... for 16 hours nonstop 🤪 literally nonstop!!!! i am not exaggerating even a little bit!!!! it was constant and i have never been so scared that i was gonna die. can you even fucking die from throwing up? probably not but once you hit a certain point it really really really feels like it.

it was so bad that we had to call my mom. and still with both her and mars tending to me like i was a baby, literally doing everything for me from getting me water to changing the tempature or fixing my blankets, it didn't help even a little bit.

it started at 6pm. at 6am i was about to start slamming my head against the wall until i passed out so mama took me to urgent care. we got there as soon as they opened.

walked in there and broke down like i haven't broken down ever before in my life just begging for the pain to stop

this story actually has one of the happiest endings as far as my medical fiascos typically go. the doctor who came into see me was an actual literal angel on earth. i wanna buy him a card or flowers or some shit. a lot of the time i don't get a lot of sympathy with this condition (on account of me being "too young" for my IBS to be as severe as it is) but this fuckin man not only prescribed me some really good medicine but he actually stayed in the exam room with me for probably 45 minutes, specifically just calming me down and comforting me. and it worked. the meds were a big part of course but it was honestly the best therapy i've gotten in years. i have been in an out of hospitals/urgent cares/emergency clinics more than i can count. the medical bills i rack up are horrifying. and i swear to god that ive never ever encountered a medical professional anywhere near this level of compassionate. especially while sick and throwing up like that. probably 2/3rds of the time i get written off as "just having a panic attack"

[evilkitten3]

My friend is getting top surgery next month, I'm very glad that he's getting that weight off his chest. Since you've been through it all ready, could I ask for some advice on supporting him through the recovery process?

absolutely.

make sure he has someone/thing to reach the top shelf. he's not gonna be raising his arms above his shoulders for a while

make sure the pharmacy prescribing the pain meds understands that they're for treating the pain from the surgery, not for gender dysphoria. otherwise they simply will not give you pain meds. they may not even tell you that they have not given you pain meds. i recommend against finding this out the exciting way like i did (side note: surprisingly not that bad most of the time)

if it's the same for him as it was for me, he'll be on a 5 pound weight limit for three weeks, and then a 25 pound limit for another three weeks. this is going to affect more than anyone involved will realize. if he's gonna need to move anything heavy any time soon, he should do that before surgery

i had to switch to tylenol instead of ibuprofen a few weeks pre-surgery bc ibuprofen can increase risk of bleeding. if he's an ibuprofen guy, he may want to grab some tylenol just in case

i've heard different people have different experiences with the drains. for some people, that's the worst part. for me, it was pretty simple (although my mom handled most of the measuring). if you aren't going to be involved with keeping them clear/measuring the goop, try to remember to glance down every now and then just in case a cap was screwed on wrong and too much air got in there. probably not gonna be a medical emergency but you wanna keep an eye on them so they'll do their job.

does he have a ride to and from the hospital? this is a very important question bc if the answer is no, the surgery simply will not happen. they just won't do it.

what i got specifically was a double mastectomy with free nipple grafts. if he's getting the same, i cannot stress enough that the nipples will look weird for a while. this is probably nothing to worry about. they're supposed to do that. if he's still worried, he should check in with the surgeon or another qualified expert, but probably they'll just say "it's ok keep an eye on it and if it hasn't healed in [x amount of time] come back then"

he is going to be constantly reminding that all your bits and pieces are connected to one another. even the bits you aren't thinking about. it's gonna be weird.

if he has a dog, offer to walk the dog for him (or help him find someone else who can do it). dogs do not understand the importance of the surgery recovery process. don't let overly enthusiastic dogs happen to you (or in this case your friend)

get a spare binder. not the chest kind, the abdominal kind. you might wanna wash the first one (this will likely be provided by the hospital) and it's better to have two.

speaking of binders, at some point the bandages will come off. the binder will still be required (or, more accurately, highly recommended). this was, for me, Absolute Sensory Hell. i recommend you make sure he's got a few light, loose shirts he can wear under the binder just in case

this didn't end up being relevant to me, but my surgeon recommended my mom buy some puppy training pads in case of accidents (accidents is a word which usually implies pee, but here means bleeding. sometimes there be blood)

if he has cats, he's gonna need to be careful not to let them step on his chest. cats do not like being told where they can or can't step. i hope he has more willpower than i do

quite likely, he's already aware of a good chunk of this. your first step - and possibly only step - is to ask if there's anything he needs from you. if he's got things under control, have faith in him.

brace yourself for how happy he's gonna be once he sees himself topless after the drains come out and the bandages come off. i was pretty much bouncing over my reflection. the euphoria is real.

[neuroborreliosis]

in a fortuitous turn of events, i was able to begin - really actually begin - treatment yesterday.

i had grown tired of waiting for the call i was told i would receive when my blood work results arrived at the stram center. it's not that i don't trust my stram providers; rather, i don't trust albany med. they screwed up my blood work the first time, only drawing three of the nine vials they were ordered to draw. if not for the mix-up with my legal name (on my medicaid card, on my id) not matching up with the name listed on my blood work order, they probably wouldn't have even noticed they made a mistake. but they did, because i had to go back to the hospital a day after initially going to get the blood work done, have my doctor send over a new order with my legal name on it, and get the vials redrawn so they could be sent out for analysis. when the phlebotomist came in, she informed me that the day prior, whoever drew my blood (a younger phlebotomist who had struck me as frazzled, distracted) only drew a third of the amount he should have.

anyway, the stram center kept trying to reach out to them regarding my results - normally it can take up to two weeks, but it had been a month, and they still hadn't received anything. so yesterday, dillon accompanied me to the hospital where i asked the receptionist at the blood lab what happened to my results. she gave me a number to call along with two extensions, and told me the person on the line could search up my results for me. i called the number, that very same receptionist answered, which i thought was awkward and sorta funny, and she transferred me to whoever it was that was supposed to help me.

the woman on the other end of the line asked for my name, date of birth, and when it was that i came in for blood work. she looked me up under both my legal name and my actual name, and she came up with nothing. she told me she was going to do further digging and call me back. i told dillon i was fed up and pissed, how could a hospital just disappear nine vials of blood, especially today, when everything is computerized, accounted for, supposedly?

i told dillon fuck it, let's drive to the stram center, i'll get a new blood work order printed, make sure it has my legal name and sex on it (that was another issue, stram had my sex as M when it was never legally M...ugh) and go to labcorp to get new vials drawn. when i arrived, the lovely amazing helpful sweet receptionist named natalia looked me up in their system and saw that my bloodwork had in fact arrived a few days prior - i hadn't gotten a call from katie because she hadn't gone over the results yet. in a stroke of luck, katie had time before her next appointment, because the patient was late. so she took me into her office, went over the labs with me, sort of rushed but equally as thorough as always. b12 and vitamin D deficiencies. slightly better than the results from 8/2022, but mostly the same. i'm good to start antibiotics, she said! she prescribed me liquid D3 (a supplement called k2d3) and a liquid supplement called "methyl factors" that contained b12, b6, folate, and one other thing. and she sent in my rx for antibiotics - bactrim 160 mg and cefdinir 300mg. i was told to take two each per day, early and evening, and take the three different probiotics two hours between doses of antibiotics. i was told to start one antibiotic first, then add the second after 2-3 days. i took the first dose of bactrim last night, the second this morning. i am also taking l-glutathione at night, along with melatonin and my regimen of things that help me shit. i am still taking suboxone once a day, in the morning. i started taking the k2d3 (any time a day, once a day) and the methyl factors once a day, in the morning.

i'll update again soon, with more deets on how i'm feeling, how my body is responding to the treatment. for now, i'm tired, but i feel like the sicky is a herxy sicky, so that makes me hopeful.

[confused-and-dickless]

I love breathing. Love to be a part of it one day

[bex-la-get]

Take Care of You (Ethan x f!MC)

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x Natalie Cusack

Special Appearance: Tobias Carrick

Word count: 2175

Summary: When Ethan falls sick, Nat steps in to take care of him.

Rating: T

Author’s Note: Hi, hello. It’s been a crappy week and I’m emotionally/physically exhausted. So here’s some fluff to counter the bad week. This is unedited, so please forgive any mistakes. Hope you like it. 💙

Ethan never got sick. Ever. Despite working in a hospital, surrounded by sick people on a daily basis, Ethan always managed to stay as healthy as possible. He had prided himself on his strong immune system and seemingly inability to fall ill.

Until today, that is. He woke with so much pressure in his sinuses, he thought his head would burst. Getting out of bed was a feat in itself, as his whole body ached. He sniffled as he made his way to the bathroom and nearly jumped at his own reflection: his eyes were puffy, his nose was red, and his posture was significantly slouched. He tried to stand up straight but only groaned as his body protested the movement. Today was going to be long. 

Pushing through, he swallowed a couple of DayQuils with his morning coffee, stuffed some tissues into his pocket, and gave Jenner a pat on the head before sluggishly making his way to work. 

Arriving at the hospital, he noticed the looks of surprise and concern that people gave him as he passed. He didn’t know why; it was just a little cold. It wasn’t like he had grown a second head. He rolled his eyes and continued towards the seventh floor, ignoring everyone he walked past. 

Finally arriving in the Diagnostics Office, he found himself breathing heavier than normal. As he sat at his desk, he attempted to take a deep breath but instead triggered a coughing fit. He grabbed a nearby Kleenex and coughed hard, his body wracking with the movement. He took a deep breath and coughed one last time before his lungs took pity on him and stopped causing him distress. Ethan groaned and dropped his head into his hands. 

“Ethan? You okay, man?” a voice said.

Ethan looked up to find Tobias looking at him with concern. He hadn’t even heard his old friend come in. He nodded and sighed. “Yeah; just a little under the weather today, is all.”

“If you’re not feeling well, you should probably go home,” Tobias suggested. “There’s no point in pushing yourself to further exhaustion.”

Ethan shook his head. “I’m fine; I just need the DayQuil to kick in.”

Tobias pursed his lips then clicked his tongue. “If you say so; Nat’s not gonna be happy to see you like this though.”

“See who like what?” the aforementioned doctor asked as she walked into the room. Natalie looked to Tobias first then Ethan, her eyes widening. “Woah, are you okay?” She quickly made her way over to Ethan and rested the back of her hand to his forehead. 

He weakly brushed her hand away. “I’m fine, Nat. Just a little under the weather.”

“I’d say more than a little; you look terrible!” She exclaimed. He frowned and she gave him a small smile. “Sorry babe, but it’s true.”

“I also walked in on him having a serious coughing fit a moment ago,” Tobias said. Ethan glared at Tobias but the latter deliberately avoided eye contact with him, choosing to look at his phone instead.

Natalie gently placed her hand on Ethan’s cheek and turned his face towards her so she could look at him. He watched as her eyes scanned his face and knew she was trying to figure out how sick he really was. He both loved and hated how well she knew him sometimes. “You should go home, Ethan.”

“I’m fine,” he argued. “I already took some meds, they just need to kick in.”

She pulled out her stethoscope and pointed it at him threateningly. “Go home or I’ll admit you.”

Tobias coughed back a chuckle and Ethan raised an eyebrow. “You do remember I’m your boss, right?”

She nodded as she put the headset into her ears and placed the cold chestpiece against his chest, making him jump. “You’re my boss, my boyfriend, and now, my patient. Breathe in.”

“Nat, this is ridiculous--” he argued but stopped when she glared at him.

“Breathe. In.” she repeated. Shaking his head in reply, he did as she said and found taking a breath was difficult. He fought the cough he could feel bubbling up but to no avail; thankfully, however, this cough was not nearly as violent as the last one. Nat pulled the chestpiece away and nodded. “Yeah, you’re a mess. You’re going home.” He opened his mouth to protest but she held up her hand. “Don’t argue with me on this. You’re in no state to work, let alone be around other sick patients.” 

She pulled out a prescription pad, scribbled something down then turned to Tobias and handed it to him. “Tobias, can you send this down to the pharmacy so they can get it filled? I’ll pick it up when it’s ready.”

He nodded and took the form. “Sure thing.” He turned to Ethan and smiled sympathetically. “Get better soon, Ethan. Nat’s not as fun to be around when she’s in charge.”

Natalie rolled her eyes and smirked as Tobias made his way out of the office. She turned back to Ethan and softened her gaze as he frowned and sniffled. She caressed his cheek with her hand. “I love you.”

His frown shifted to a small smile. “I love you too.” He sneezed.

“You see why I’m sending you home, right?”

He sighed and nodded. “Yeah; I do. I hate being sick. I always feel so useless.”

“You are still human, my love; and humans get sick from time to time. It’s normal.” She crouched in front of him and took his hands in hers. “I’ll come over after my shift and make you some soup, okay?”

“You don’t have to do that--” he weakly protested.

She shook her head. “I want to; let me take care of you, baby. Please.”

Sighing, he nodded and stood, bringing Natalie up with him. He reached for her but hesitated as he didn’t want to make her ill. She smiled at him and stood on her tiptoes to place a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Go home and get some rest. I’ll be there in a couple hours.”

He nodded. Sighing, he left the hospital and made his way home, his head in a fog for most of the journey. After safely arriving home, he changed into some more comfortable clothing, with the intention of getting some work done on his laptop; but the bed looked just so inviting. I guess I could lay down for a few minutes, he thought. Gently, he laid on the bed and closed his eyes. Five minutes is all I need. Within seconds, his body relaxed and he began to emit quiet snores, work completely forgotten.

-------------------------------------------

Several Hours Later

Ethan woke to the muffled sounds of the television and someone shuffling around in his kitchen. He groaned and got out of bed, padding his way to the source of the noise. As he exited the bedroom, he was greeted with the various sights of onion, tomato, and meat that were cooking on the stovetop. Unfortunately, due to his stuffed sinuses, he could barely smell anything but he presumed it was heavenly.

“Hi,” a voice said. He turned his attention to the source and smiled as Natalie approached him, throwing a hand towel over her shoulder. “How are you feeling?”

“Not great,” he replied, truthfully.

She gently brought his forehead to her lips as she judged his temperature. She hummed as she pulled away. “You’re warm.” She turned around and grabbed a small box out of her purse then handed it to him. He looked it over appraisingly, realizing this must be the prescription Nat wrote out earlier. “Take one of these now; it should lower your fever and help you feel better. Go get comfortable, the soup will be ready soon.”

“You didn’t have to do all this, Nat,” he began.

“Of course I did,” she said, cutting him off. She rested a gentle hand on his back and guided him towards the sofa. “Now, relax and get comfy. I’m almost done.”

Ethan did as she said, plopping down on the couch. He opened the prescription box and took the prescribed medication as Jenner trotted over and rested his head in his master’s lap. Ethan patted the pup’s head soothingly, giving him a tired smile. “Has she been giving you orders today, too?” he asked.

“Unlike you, Jenner is a spectacular patient,” Nat answered from the kitchen. “He’s been very good and even earned himself a few treats for being so good.”

“Did you, now?” Ethan mused, looking down at Jenner. The pup, none the wiser to the conversation happening about him, simply wagged his tail and gave his best doggy smile to his owner. Ethan chuckled. “Good dog.”

Taking the remote, he flipped to the Classic Film channel and sunk lower onto the couch. He felt his body begin to shiver and grabbed the nearby throw blanket, covering himself with it. “God, this is awful. I hate being sick.”

“I know, my love,” Nat soothed. “But the meds I gave you should help. They just need time to kick in. And,” she walked over and placed a bowl of hot soup in front of him on the coffee table, “this should help too. It’s an old family recipe of Dani’s. It works wonders.”

“Speaking from experience?” he asked, leaning over, letting the steam from the hot bowl wash over his face. 

Nat nodded. “Yep. Both Dani and I got the flu within a week of each other when we were still living together. She made this soup for us and we both felt better almost immediately. I’m convinced it’s got magic powers.”

Ethan chuckled. “I’ll take your word for it.” He pulled the coffee table a little closer to the couch and smiled at Nat. “Thank you for making this.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, returning his smile. “Now, eat. I’ll be right there.”

Lacking the energy to argue, he did as she said, bringing a spoonful of the hot soup to his lips. Within minutes, Ethan felt the hot liquid warm up his body, which had been starting to feel cold. Nat smiled as she joined him with her own bowl, nodding in approval as he steadily ate. 

Nat filled him in on what he missed at work while they ate, which hadn’t been much, thankfully. Their new patient wouldn’t be admitted for another week so the team had just done some prep and research today but nothing else beyond that. Ethan asked a few questions as Nat explained but otherwise, remained quiet through their conversation. Nat raised an eyebrow, suspicious. “You’re being unusually cooperative. What’s the matter?”

He chuckled and placed his near empty bowl on the coffee table. “Nothing. I’m just feeling a little drained, is all.”

“Mm, I’m not surprised. When you get sick, it hits you like a freight train.”

He frowned. “Thanks.”

Nat chuckled and settled deeper into the couch. She opened her arms and gestured towards herself with her fingers. “C’mere.”

Needing no further invitation, Ethan maneuvered himself into Nat’s embrace, covering them both with the throw blanket he had still been wearing. As he relaxed in her arms, he wondered aloud, “Aren’t you worried about getting sick?”

She hummed. “Nah. But even if I was, it wouldn’t stop me from being here.” She ran her fingers through his hair. “I would take care of you, anytime.”

He looked up at her and smiled. “Thank you, Nat. You’re too good for me.”

“No, I’m not,” she replied, smiling. “We’re just the right amount of good for each other.” She kissed his head. “Can I get you anything else?”

He shook his head, tightening his hold around her midsection. “No. Just you.”

“I’m right here,” Nat reassured. 

“Love you,” Ethan murmured, his eyes fluttering closed.

“I love you too. Now, rest.” She gently leaned over and took the remote from the coffee table.

“Don’t watch the next episode of Bake Off without me,” Ethan said, his voice drowsy.

Nat chuckled. “I wouldn’t dare. When you’re feeling better, we’ll pick up where we left off.” When he didn’t respond, she glanced down to find that Ethan had fallen asleep. Smiling to herself, she turned on an old favorite film of hers and watched, while running her fingers up and down Ethan’s back. 

It would be a few more days before Ethan was back in top shape; but Nat took care of him the entire time. From bringing him food to ensuring he rested instead of working, Nat took better care of Ethan than he had ever done himself when he had been sick in the past. He’d never been so well taken care of before, and it made him all the more grateful to have her in his life. He’d always hoped she’d take over the DT for him one day; and after the way she cared for him, he knew the team would be in the best possible hands. And so would he.

Tag List (let me know if you want to be added or removed): @genevievemd @jamespotterthefirst @paulfwesley @ethansdique @openheartfanfics @perriewinklenerdie @little-flowers-on-heaven @stateofgracious @coffeeheartaddict @liaromancewriter @potionsprefect @mm2305 @gryffindordaughterofathena @actuallybored @writer-ish @queencarb @takeharryandgo @lsvdw-blog @itsjustwinter @chaoticchopshopheart @ohchoices @maurine07 @oldminniemcg @parisa-kh @shanzay44 @uberamsey @izzyourresidentlawyer @adiehardfan @custaroonie @mia143 @a-crepusculo @takemyopenheart @toadfrog26 @quixoticdreamer16 @barbean @headoverheelsforramsey @natureblooms24 @jerzwriter @crazy-loca-blog @dorisz @thegreentwin @cryomyst @kalinahonore @choicesficwriterscreations @rosebudde @trappedinfanfiction @custaroonie​

[cl0udpup]

Big sigh

*Still figuring out moving over from Twitter to Tumblr, but for now, I'm just gonna flush out my threads here and see how that goes...*

Anxiety dreams

I had disturbing, surreal, End Of The World, running from cops, moving through portals, being broke and homeless, anxiety dreams all morning. Woke up with my neck stiff and swollen for the second day in a row, exhausted. I took a rapid last night, came out negative, but it's hard to trust testing now with new variants. I have allergy shots in an hour, and I really don’t wanna go, but I’m afraid of what will happen if I miss it. Last time I missed a week, I suffered with extreme hives and asthma symptoms.

...

I did it

I went to the shot. Still feeling like shit. Still testing negative for c19.

I’ve been staying up late the past few nights, so I’m sure that doesn’t help. Winter is really tough on my body (and mind.) The dry air makes my skin swell up, and I get all tense and hot. I couldn't manage to wear a coat outside, even though it's 30 degrees out, because it makes it so much worse once I go inside. They keep the hospital sooo warm.

I need to get a humidifier running in my office, but this room is like 80 sq ft, so I'm concerned about where it will go, it getting knocked over, or the water getting on my computer. I have cords allll over the floor bc I have no idea how to do cord management. But yeah, my sinuses are so incredibly dry and swollen, which is causing this headache I'm sure, and probably the stiff neck.

Adderall

Enough complaining... In more interesting news, today is my first day on Adderall, 10 mg XR. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to feel anything. I was feeling shitty *before* taking it, so all those symptoms above are unrelated. Although, if this causes any similar symptoms, not sure if I'll be able to tell it apart.

I guess one thing I noticed this morning; it was less excruciating waiting the 30 minutes required to stay at the hospital after my allergy shot. Usually I set a timer, check it exasperatingly every few minutes, pacing and sighing, literally feel like I'm being tortured waiting lol. It usually feels like an hour even tho it’s only half. I have no idea if the med could be helping with that restlessness so soon, but. Worth noting I suppose.

Trauma effects everything

I met with the new psychiatrist who prescribed it on Monday. She asked all the typical intake type questions, and went over my initial survey from the ADHD assessment. Again, the ADHD assessment really was not specific to ADHD, other than the awful computer button clicking bullshit test thing they made me do.

We only talked for around 45 minutes, but she gave me her opinion that she thinks I don't have bipolar. She thinks my hypomanic symptoms and mood swings/cycling were caused by trauma. Who’s to say, really. Trauma effects everything.

I have found I don’t always fit the mold for clinical diagnoses for conditions my symptoms point to. I especially don't fit them forever. Resilience has to be taken into account; learning skills, figuring out accommodations, medication, change of life circumstance.

However, I have, and do (based on past episodes) meet the criteria for bipolar 2, whether the assessment is nuanced enough to give a "correct" answer. Of course, diagnoses are more or less a matter of opinion.

I was also diagnosed with "unspecific mood disorder" & put on mood stabilizers (bipolar meds) as a young teen.

Some of my earliest memories are of being totally overwhelmed emotionally. I remember having what I now know of as anxiety in elementary school. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 12.

So what is it?

That's the question I've been searching for the answer for my entire life. Wtf is wrong with me, lol. I know trauma, neurodivergence, and the way those two play off each other must be at the root of everything.

Ultimately, all these sprinkles of symptoms make up an actual person, my actual life experiences, my struggles, my disabilities. I don't think it's simple enough to just slap a diagnosis on me and call it a day.

I know SSNI medication has helped me immensely in taking all the chaotic energy inside myself, and dampening down my viciously strong emotions. Before meds, I felt totally out of control. I felt I had no control over the insanity. My mood swings and sensory overwhelm thrashed me around like I was on a broken rollercoaster, ready to fly off the tracks at any moment.

BPD

Before starting trauma work, I fit the diagnosis for borderline. Leaving an abusive relationship, learning about attachment disorders, and understanding more about being neurodivergent helped me grow into a person who could have healthy relationships, and stop hurting myself.

Graduating from a DBT program when I was 18 helped as well, but looking back, the most helpful part was being part of a community. Sharing 8 hours a week with other traumatized teens, forming bonds, being vulnerable and supporting each other. That's what helped.

We never even talked about trauma as a force of destruction. We mostly learned how to channel our thoughts and behaviors into something less visibly disruptive and damaging.

We weren't validated and told "something awful happened to you, and it wasn't your fault, and it's not your fault that it made you hate yourself so much you want to destroy yourself and everything around you." I think we really needed that. I know I still need to hear that.

Chaos

I'm 30 now, and I still am no where near having all the answers. Finding the ADHD piece of the puzzle definitely puts a lot into perspective, but I don't know if it can account for everything. I do have hopes for medicating it.

My 20's were so chaotic. I had no idea if I would survive to where I am now. That being said, I made a lot of decisions that helped me survive when I needed to, things I said I'd deal with the consequences of later, and, later has finally caught up to me.

I used spending as a coping mechanism. I channeled a lot of my chaotic energy into work over the past decade. Before my body started shutting down on me, I worked alll the time, and made decent money. I bought into the whole credit score thing, got a bunch of credit cards, and maxed them all out. Yes, having a credit history helped me get things I needed, but mental illness put me in this mindset of "I'm probably gonna die soon, so I should just get what will make me happy right now."

Knowing now that I have ADHD, so much of this makes sense. I struggle with things like feeding myself, cleaning, staying on track, completing tasks, all the executive function bullshit. So, I've driven myself into debt buying things I thought could help me "get my life together."

Can't get myself to eat enough to not trigger a mood episode? I'll just order take out or go to the cafe every day. Can't keep the house from being a total mess? I'll buy every cleaning and organizing tool imaginable that might help inspire me to bring necessary order to my surroundings. Same thing for exercising, self care, literally just existing, I always thought if I could "just" find the right solution, all my problems would disappear and I could catch up to my peers who perpetually left me in the dust.

Don't even get me started on the spending sprees I've gone on in response to depression and suicidality. Feel like dying because understimulated? Let's book a trip for me and a companion where I'll pay for everything because I want to be loved. Feel like dying because overstimulation? Let's buy things to self soothe. It's a mess.

And so, life goes on

Now, this year, when I have my head on straight, and am no longer crushed and suffocated by abuse, or distracted by partying, my health took a nose dive. I have hardly been able to work at all this year. I've always been concerned with my ill health, but now more than ever I've been forced to focus on it solely. I'm committed. The only place I go these days is to appointments; three a week: therapy, allergy injections, and acupuncture.

I so desperately want to get my life together, once and for all. I truly hope I'm on the right track. All I can do is trust this is what I'm supposed to do.

[le0watch]

(tws: implied mental illness and self harm)

today is the day.

the day langa has been dreading.

he looks out his front window, his chin propped on the palm of his hand. he's waiting, sitting on one of the chairs in his living room, leg bouncing impatiently.

he doesn't really want this addition to his household, but he'd rather get the thing and move on with his life. but no, they have to be running late.

he sighs heavily, and goes to picking at the skin around his fingernails. the familiar sting and drops of blood calms him a little, and he draws in a deep breath. it'll be fine. mom wants this, since she can't live with him right now. he needs this to stay stable, apparently.

he jumps when theres a knock on the front door. at some point, an automated taxi had pulled up in front of his house without him noticing. he takes a moment to wonder how he hadn't noticed it, before pushing to his feet to open the door.

a flash of red hair and amber eyes greets him, with skin a darker tan than langa's pale skin. the thing is grinning widely, hands tucked behind its back. it perks up when it sees him, and langa wants to rip his hair out. he'd known they'd purchased one a month ago, personalizing it to fit langa's needs and physical preferences, but to actually see it on his doorstep was like getting slapped in the face.

"hello!" the android exclaims, its led mood light circling a calm blue. "my name is reki- i'm the android sent by cyberlife!"

langa has to bite back a groan of annoyance. "hi," he replies. he has to play nice. this thing is motoring him and his moods. it's probably taking notes of his physical appearance and outfit option. which, his outfit for today isnt as bad as it usually is. it's a baggy white shirt and a pair of jeans. simple and comfortable.

"it is so nice to finally meet you!" the android continues, clasping its hands in front of itself with glee. "i was designed to fit your personal needs and preferences-" he already knew that- "but if you do not like how i look or act, you can always send me back for maintenance. the first change is free!"

"yay," langa replies coldly. but he steps back and gestures of the thing to step inside. it does, looking around his small home. "this is the living room, over there is the kitchen, and to the left down the hall is my bed and bathroom. id rather you not go in there."

"i'll have to, it's part of my programming," the thing says, with the audacity to sound apologetic. as if. androids can't feel anything. "my program dictates that you cannot be allowed alone for too long, because of your past actions."

langa lets out another heavy sigh, dragging his hand down his face. his mom probably added that to it. shes been so worried about him since he'd tried to commit not too long ago.

"right," langa responds. "so... what do you do?"

"im glad you ask!" the android says with too much cheer. it's starting to give langa a headache. "i was custom designed to act as your caregiver and to be the eyes of your loved ones. My functions are as follows: medication, time, self care, and eating reminders. i have basic medical knowledge, so if you injure yourself i can help heal it. i am also programmed to become a friend of yours if you so desire."

"uh huh," langa says, quickly losing interest in the situation. as if he'd ever be friends with an android, anyways.

"so, may i ask when you are supposed to take your prescribed medicines?" the android asks next, not missing a beat. "as well how long you are typically in the bathroom, so that i may check on you if you are in there longer than the given time."

"you don't need to know that," langa snaps, instinctively shifting on his feet. the fresh cuts on his thighs sting, but it's a good feeling. "but i can give you my meds so you know."

"okay! i'll time you next time you are in the bathroom, so i can get a feel of your usual time," the android says brightly. langa glares at it. it doesn't seem to notice. "i should inform you as well: i have a smelling receptor implemented, so if i smell blood on you, or find that you have seriously injured yourself, i will instantly contact medical help to come pick you up. afterwards, i will check you into a mental hospital to make sure you get the help you need if i am not enough."

langa's nose scrunches up with distaste. "asshole," he mutters. he thinks he says it quiet enough so that the thing can't hear him, yet he still catches the led on its temple cycling from blue to red, indicating distress. weird.

"y- i am sorry," it stutters. androids could stutter? huh, they must make them able to do almost anything. "for now, i will give you space. i will check up on you semi-frequently. please let me know if you need anything, and when you are going to bring me your perscribed medication." it pauses, staring off into the distance for a moment. its eyes have a strange look in them, the led cycling red for a few seconds longer before returning to blue. it smiles at him, but he gets the feeling its forced. "i am glad to be here with you. i will be entering rest mode, now."

with that, it shuts down, led cycling yellow, fake eyelids lowered over its fake eyes. it almost looks like an actual person had fallen asleep standing up.

too bad it's fake.

he sighs heavily for the third time the past hour and runs a hand down his face. his hands tingle with the need to grab his favorite knife, but he doesn't want it to smell his blood. he'll have to find times and places to do it, then.

he just isn't prepared for the events that are soon to follow after receiving this thing. if he had, he would have sent straight back to cyberlife.

[iamtrebleclefstories]

best thing that’s ever been mine

DAY 2: SPEAK NOW - MINE 

(is this fic two days late? yes. and what about it?)

Do you remember, we were sittin', there by the water?

You put your arm around me for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

hi everyone! I’ve been working on this fic for months and it has a very special place in my heart. it is a complete AU and I hope you enjoy it!!

Shoutout to @doc-pickles for being my sounding board for this fic (and many others). This ones for you!

@thejolexgroupchat

You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables

Left a small town, never looked back

I was a flight risk, with a fear of fallin'

Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts

+ + +

She walked into the diner soaked to the bone from the downpour that seemed to come out of nowhere. Shivering, Jo made her way over to her typical booth near the windows (and the space heater) and attempted to warm up. She'd been staring out the window at the busy street when she noticed a young man standing in front of her.

"You're new around here," Jo's eyebrows raised. She observed the man for a second, taking in his appearance. He had brown hair and brown eyes that seemed to be rimmed in green. He was handsome and that crooked half-smile on his face signaled to her that he knew it. "Marion and Hector hired someone new? They hardly ever do that."

The man let out an awkward chuckle, "I just moved here from a small town in lowa for school. Trying to pay my way through medical school. Guess they must've liked me."

"I guess so," Jo nodded. "Sorry, I'm here all the time so I know pretty much everyone that works here. I was surprised to see someone new."

"Well, I’m Alex," his smile grew slightly. "Since you're a regular, I guess you already know what you're having. So what can I get you?"

"Surprise me," Jo's eyes shined expectantly.

The waiter - Alex - let out a laugh, "Give me a few minutes."

About fifteen minutes later, Alex came back with a plate and drink. He placed it in front of Jo, "Here you go. A bacon double cheeseburger, no pickles, no onions, extra cheese with a large side of seasoned fries and a medium coke. You're tiny, but I have the feeling that you can eat. And as much as you may try to eat healthy, you're not a salad girl and would prefer to work out than eat grass. Am I right?"

Jo raised her eyebrows in amusement, "Surprisingly, yes. Except for the drink. I would've ordered a large coke and gotten up to pee three times because I’ve got a bladder the size of a walnut."

"I will remember that for next time," Alex smirked. "So, regular… you got a name?"

"Jo Wilson."

"Nice. I like chicks with boy's names."

+ + +

I say, "Can you believe it?"

As we're lyin' on the couch

The moment, I can see it

Yes, yes, I can see it now

+ + +

The last thing Jo would've expected was that she'd become friends with Alex, the cute waiter from Marion and Hector's diner. But after many conversations shared in the diner during all hours of the day and upon discovering that they would both be attending Harvard Medical School in the fall, Jo and Alex bonded rather quickly. It helped that they each had plenty of shared life experience as a result of growing up in the system.

Jo had never really met anyone with her kind of background that was also looking towards a future in medicine. It was encouraging and validating knowing that she wouldn’t be alone in her struggle. Once the school year began and things got real, Jo and Alex found themselves spending increasing amounts of time together, studying and stressing over the copious amounts of material they'd need to memorize and understand.

"This sucks," Alex huffed in annoyance, tossing his notecards onto the coffee table. "I hate pharmacology."

"I know, me too. But we need to learn this if we want to make sure we don't prescribe the wrong medication to a patient," Jo took a seat on the couch beside him and handed Alex the bowl of popcorn in her hands. "Can you believe our first year is almost over?"

Alex stuffed his face with some popcorn, “It feels like just yesterday I met you at the diner.”

“I know,” Jo chuckled. "I'm happy we're friends."

"Me too," Alex smiled, content to just sit near Jo.

Both of them wanted more, but neither one of them was quite ready to admit that yet. There had been something brewing between the two of them since their first meeting.

"When we're hotshot doctors one day, we'll still be in each other’s lives, right?" Jo asked quietly.

"Of course we are," Alex grinned. "We can apply to the same hospitals and in the same cities for residency and fellowship. And even after, when we are badass attendings, we can open a practice together. I won't leave your side unless you ask me to. You're stuck with me, Wilson."

+ + +

Do you remember, we were sittin', there by the water?

You put your arm around me for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

+ + +

"Come on, we're gonna miss it!" Jo shouted as she neared the dock. Her silhouette was illuminated by the moonlight as she deposited the blanket onto the ground and Iied down to stare at the night sky. "This should be the perfect spot to watch the meteor shower. It's far away enough from the city to see the sky but close enough that an ambulance can get to us quickly enough if anything were to happen."

"I'm coming," Alex grumbled as he carried the cooler over to where Jo was lying on the ground. "Jeez, what did you put in this thing?"

"Just the essentials," Jo reached over and opened the cooler, pulling out a beer and revealing the contents of the cooler.

"Are those stolen medical supplies?" Alex looked inside.

"Maybe?" Jo shrugged and opened the bottle. "We're gonna be out here all night so I wanted to be prepared."

"You're insane," Alex chuckled and opened his own drink.

"It's part of my charm," Jo winked at him and lifted her drink. "Look, I know all of this might seem pretty crazy, but I just wanted to do something special. This has probably been the best summer of my life.” She grew quiet for a moment. “I’ve never had a friend like you. A person. My person. Most summers I was struggling to make ends meet or find somewhere to live while everyone else went home and visited their families and went on these lavish vacations. I never really had anybody and now I have you. It’s nice. Having someone… Anyway, I just want to say thank you. For making last year and this summer a little less lonely. That’s why we’re here tonight, waiting for a meteor shower on our last Friday off before second year starts. So, cheers to a great year.”

“To a great year,” Alex lifted his beer and clinked it against hers. He stared at her for a moment, silently taking in the words she’d said. He knew expressing her feelings was no easy feat. Jo had always had a complicated relationship with feelings—both of them had. But she’d made an effort to express her emotions and that was more than enough to blow his mind. Alex was brought out of his thoughts when he heard Jo’s voice again.

“Look! It’s starting,” Jo gasped and pointed up and the night sky.

Maybe it was the meteor shower. Maybe it was the alcohol. Maybe it was the speech. Maybe it was Jo’s bright smile. But Alex couldn’t help himself this time. He reached out for Jo’s hand and pulled her close to his body, wrapping his arm around her. Jo looked up at him with shining eyes and relaxed, resting her head on his chest.

They laid like that for what seemed like hours, observing the night sky and reveling in the warm summer air. After some time, Jo lifted her head to look Alex in the eye. She opened her mouth to speak but only a squeak came out, causing Alex to laugh.

“Sorry—I… I didn’t mean to laugh,” Alex cleared his throat as Jo looked at him unamused. “What did you want to say?”

“Nothing. It was stupid,” Jo shook her head.

“No it’s okay, just say it,” Alex rubbed his hand on her back comfortingly. He watched as Jo shook her head again, attempting to hide her face from his view. “Hey, look at me. Jo it’s me. You can say anything.”

“I can’t say this thing,” Jo bit her lip nervously.

Alex sighed, “Okay. How about I say it? Because I'm pretty sure I know what you’re thinking right now.”

“I highly doubt that but be my guest,” Jo scoffed.

And with his arms holding her tightly he finally said the words, “I love you.”

+ + +

Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together

And there's a drawer of my things at your place

You learn my secrets and you figure out why I'm guarded

You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes

+ + +

“Have you seen my light blue sneakers?” Jo shouted from the other side of the apartment. “I can’t remember if I left them here or not last time I spent the night.”

“I haven’t seen them. Maybe you left them in your car?” Alex walked over to Jo and gave her a kiss of the cheek. “You look hot in scrubs.”

“So do you, Mr. third year med student,” Jo allowed her eyes to run up and down Alex’s frame. “Today’s our first day of clerkships and I’m going to have to keep my eyes glued to you as soon as we get to the hospital because I don’t need any cute nurses trying to steal you away.”

“You act as if you have competition,” Alex leaned forward to steal a kiss. “I don’t want anyone else, especially after last night.”

“There’s so much more where that came from,” Jo wiggled her eyebrows suggestively. “I know we’ve been together for a year but I still can’t get enough of you.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Alex chuckled. “You know I got you something. Call it an anniversary present. I was gonna show it to you last night, but we were a bit busy… celebrating.”

“You didn’t have to get me anything,” Jo cupped his cheek on her hand. “I just need you.”

“Hey, a one year anniversary is a big deal. Besides, this is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now,” Alex’s face relaxed and loving. “Come on, it’s in the bedroom.”

They walked into the bedroom and Alex stood in front of the closed closet doors, prompting Jo’s forehead to wrinkle in confusion. Alex cleared his throat, “Okay. What you see here might freak you out a bit, but it’s something I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. So, I’m just gonna show you.”

Alex opened the closet doors to reveal that it was half empty. The left side was free of clothing except for one shirt hanging up that Jo recognized as one that she thought she’d misplaced a few weeks ago.

Jo looked at Alex in question, “You found my shirt and cleaned out your closet? That’s the surprise? What happened to your other clothes?”

“No that’s not—you’re not understanding,” Alex let out a chuckle. “It’s okay, though. You’re new to all this. So am I, if I’m being honest.”

“Alex, you aren’t making any sense.”

“I'm making space for you,” Alex stated. “I’m making space for you in my home, in my life. I got rid of a bunch of crap that I don’t need or never used and I made space. Because I don’t want you to just have a drawer full of random things at my place. I want this to be our place. So I guess what I’m asking is, move in with me. Please. I wanna go to sleep next to you and wake up next to you every day. I love you, Jo. I want to do everything with you.”

Jo stood in front of Alex, stunned. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about what it would be like to live with Alex. All her life, she’d just found a place to live. She never had a home. As long as there was a roof over her head and a somewhat comfortable space to sleep in, she would make due. It was all she needed. After Alex, she found the home she’d been searching for all along.

“Jo?”

“Yes,” Jo breathed without hesitation. A couple tears collected in her eyes. “Yes.”

Alex’s face broke out into a huge grin, “Really? You’ll move in?”

“Yeah,” Jo laughed happily. “I’d love to live with you.”

“Okay,” Alex nodded his head and motioned to the room. “I’ve still got to move some stuff around but we can have it done by the end of this week.”

“I don’t have much. I don’t need a lot of space,” Jo shrugged.

“I’m gonna change that,” Alex took both his hands in her own. “No more having only the bare minimum necessary to survive. And I mean that for both of us. I wanna build a life with you.”

“I love you,” Jo leaned up to kiss him briefly. “So much.”

“Me too,” Alex’s face was content. “As much as I’d like to just stand here with you, we’ve got to go or we’ll be late.”

“Let’s go,” Jo smiled. “I can’t wait to rub it into all the girls’ faces that I’m moving in with my super hot boyfriend and they should be jealous.”

+ + +

And we got bills to pay

We got nothin' figured out

When it was hard to take

Yes, yes

This is what I thought about

+ + +

“Dammit Alex, why can you just listen to me for once?” Jo yelled across the kitchen counter. “If you would’ve listened to me in the first place none of this would be happening.”

“Will you just stop it already?” Alex shouted back angrily. “Just shut up! I’m sick and tired of hearing you go on and on about the same damn thing. Yes, I know I let the ball drop on this one. You don’t have to bring it up every two seconds! Stop talking!”

Jo grew quiet at the tone of his voice. She swallowed back a response and took a cautious step back. She looked almost afraid to push him further.

Alex noticed her behavior and immediately felt regret over his words, “Jo. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. I’m just… I’m frustrated.”

“Mmhm,” Jo pursed her lips, but didn’t move from her stop.

Alex took a step forward to close the distance only to have Jo take another step back. That’s when it hit him. Paul. He just yelled at her like Paul used to.

Alex learned about Paul Stadler’s existence not too long after Jo moved in with him. They’d gotten home from a day in the ER where a young woman came in with domestic violence injuries. Jo had been incredibly affected by the woman’s case and Alex couldn’t figure out why. That night on the couch, Jo opened up about quite possibly the most difficult experience of her life. She talked about her ex.

Paul Stadler was an old boyfriend of Jo’s who spent the first few years of their friendship grooming her to be his victim. He was a professor during her undergrad years at Princeton and especially liked to prey on isolated, young women with emotional trauma. He fixated his attention on Jo and reeled her in, making her the subject of his abuse for the last seven months of her senior year at Princeton. As soon as graduation was over, Jo—formally known as Brooke Howard—ran away, changed her name, and fled to a small town outside of Boston where she hid for a few weeks before deeming it safe to find a place in the city. It was in that year that she remade herself and applied to various medical schools under her new name before finally getting into Harvard against all odds.

Alex hadn’t always known about her history. It was something she shared with him when he found the paperwork from her name change in the process of moving her into his—now their—apartment. That’s when she sat down and told him all the missing pieces of her story. She told him about how Paul would beat her and scream at her when she failed to meet his expectations. She told him about her pregnancy and the abortion she had after Paul confiscated her birth control and coerced her into his bed. She told him about how she had been terrified but hopeful that a baby would change things for the better, only to have those expectations ripped violently away once Paul threw her against the wall for showing up at his office uninvited.

“Jo. Baby, look at me. I’m sorry. I’m not going to hurt you. I swear,” Alex looked at Jo and waited for her eyes to meet his. He reached his hand out as an invitation for her to hold it. “I love you. I’m sorry I yelled like that. I didn’t mean to frighten you or trigger you in any way.”

Jo's visibly relaxed and took Alex’s hand in her own, “I know. I’m sorry I… reacted like that, too. It’s just… I finally have something that I’m scared to lose.”

“No, you’re right,” Alex shook his head. “I told you I was going to handle this month’s rent while you figured things out with your job at the library and I didn’t do it. I left it till the last minute and I’m short $200. That's not your fault. You warned me multiple times to set aside the money for rent before paying everything else and buying those basketball tickets. I’m gonna figure it out. Don’t worry.”

Alex left the apartment in a rush, leaving Jo standing in the entryway confused. Alex was halfway to his destination when he realized that he probably should have explained to Jo what his thought process was. He had half a mind to turn back around, but then again he wasn’t all that keen on admitting what he was on his way to do. It was a major hit to his pride to even walk to the one person he knew could help them. But it wasn’t about him or his pride. It was about his life with Jo and about fixing this.

Alex knocked on the door and waited for the person inside to respond.

“Hey man, come on in.”

“Thanks,” Alex walked inside and looked around.

He had been to Jackson Avery’s apartment before. Jackson was actually one of Alex’s best friends since he started medical school. They got paired together for anatomy lab the first week of classes and had been inseparable ever since. To top it all off, Jackson was an Avery. He was from one of the most prestigious families in medicine and was sitting on a lump sum of cash. In the three years that they had been friends, Jackson had always made it clear that if Alex ever needed anything at all, to not hesitate to ask.

“What’s up?” Jackson asked as he handed Alex a beer and sat across from him on the couch.

“You know I wouldn’t do this if I weren’t desperate. I hate asking for favors and you’re my friend so don’t feel obligated to say yes, but I need help,” Alex started.

“Whatever you need, man. You know that,” Jackson leaned forward to wait for Alex to make his request.

“I messed up this month with the rent. Jo’s hours at the library got switched and they don’t work with our clerkship schedules, so I had to take over all the bills this time around. I told her not to worry, that I’d handle it, but I’m $200 short,” Alex put his head in his hands. “Do you think you could lend me the money? I swear I’ll pay you back as soon as my next paycheck from the diner comes in.”

“Whoa, Karev. Slow down,” Jackson reached into his wallet and pulled out two crisp hundred dollar bills. “Here. It’s no big deal. And I’m not lending you $200. I’m giving it to you.”

“I can’t… I can’t accept that,” Alex shook his head. “I don’t like owing people.”

“You won’t be owing me anything,” Jackson held the money out. “We’re friends, Alex. You’ve got my back, I’ve got yours. You and Jo helped me when I was struggling in that class last year. You took time out of your own studying and time that the two of you could’ve been spending together to help me. You’re the reason I passed. Take the cash. Just think of it as a favor.”

“Thank you,” Alex sighed and took the money in his hands. “I just… I feel so pathetic. What guy can’t provide for his girlfriend for one month while she’s struggling to figure things out financially? Thank God we each got a full ride in college so we don’t have to worry about student loans until we graduate med school. I just feel useless.”

“You’re anything but useless,” Jackson took a swig of his beer. “You underestimated how much money you’d need to save. So what? It’s okay. It happens. Even to me. You learned from it and now you can move on. You’re gonna pay the rent on time and everything's gonna be fine. Don’t let this become a thing. Don’t let it come between you and Jo.”

“I just feel like I’m letting her down,” Alex admitted quietly.

“Jo didn’t grow up with much. Yeah, stuff is nice, but I know at the end of the day all she really wants or needs is you,” Jackson smiled. “Besides, even if you somehow got so behind that they evicted you, I’ve got a guest bedroom that I’d be happy to let you and Jo stay in for however long you needed to. Maybe I'll finally get a chance to steal her flashcards that she refuses to share.”

Alex smirked, “Good luck with that. She won’t even let me see them.”

“Eh it’s worth a shot,” Jackson chuckled. “Okay, finish your beer and then go pay your bills.”

+ + +

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?

You saw me start to believe, for the first time

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

+ + +

“Come on, follow me. I wanna show you something,” Alex smiled as he led Jo up the dock.

“Where are we going?” Jo asked for what seemed to be the hundredth time. “We start our first day of internship tomorrow. I don’t want to be late.”

“We won’t be late,” Alex continued pulling her in the direction he was headed to. “I want to do something special before we get busy and don’t have time to be us.”

Jo’s eyes softened, “Okay. Lead the way.”

Alex grinned as they neared a ferry boat, “I got us tickets for a ferry boat tour of the city. I thought it would be a nice way of celebrating that tomorrow we finally become the doctors we always dreamed we’d be as kids. It’s been hard getting here, but we made it. We made it, Jo and I know that I can make it through this year and the rest of my life as long as I’ve got you by my side.”

Jo looked at Alex with love in her eyes, “You’re incredible.”

“That’s all you, princess,” Alex put his arm around her shoulder as they boarded the ferry and took a seat.

The majority of the ride was done in silence. They marveled at the city lights bouncing off the water as the sky grew dimmer as the night went on. Jo snuggled up against Alex, thinking about how the time had flown by. She first met Alex about four years ago in a diner and now here she was in Seattle sitting next to the love of her life on a ferry the night before their first day of internship. It was a surreal moment and yet, Jo found herself actually believing that she had found a love that would last for the first time in her life.

“I love you,” Jo snuggled into Alex’s side.

“I love you more.”

“I can’t believe this is real,” Jo said later that night as they were climbing into bed. “I keep expecting someone to pinch me and wake me up from this dream I’m having.”

“It’s real,” Alex pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I hope we get assigned the same resident. I want to be near you so that none of the female doctors or nurses trying anything stupid,” Jo snuggled in close to Alex.

“Is this jealousy I hear?” Alex’s face turned up into a smirk.

“Pfft, me, jealous?” Jo scoffed. “Please. I’m not jealous. I'm just… protective over what’s mine.”

“Oh so I’m yours now?” Alex grinned, amused.

“Yup,” Jo leaned up to kiss him deeply, allowing her hands to travel down his chest and stomach to the waistband of his boxers. “You are all mine.”

Alex groaned, “I’m fine with that.”

+ + +

And I remember that fight, two-thirty am

'Cause everything was slipping right out of our hands

I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye,

'Cause that's all I've ever known

Then, you took me by surprise

You said, "I'll never leave you alone"

+ + +

Their intern year went by rather quickly, considering all of the insanity they’d lived through. From train crashes, bombs in the hospital, cutting L-VAD wires, proms, Meredith almost drowning, ferry boat crashes, and various break ups and make ups, it was safe to say that Alex and Jo had the most interesting intern class ever. When Jo thought back to everything they had lived through in the past year, she found herself increasingly grateful that she had someone that she could come home to every night. Being a doctor had reminded her just how short life could be and that things could change at any moment.

Their second year of residency was getting off to a similarly interesting start with the arrival of a new class of interns that would be under their supervision. Jo found herself increasingly frustrated with the young doctors under her care. She was so consumed by her work that Jo realized that it had been weeks since she and Alex spent time together that wasn’t as they got ready for bed at night. Even those moments were few and far between.

Alex had been spending a lot of his free time with the people in their class, specifically, Meredith and Izzie. Jo didn’t have a problem with them. On the contrary, Jo loved both women dearly. Meredith was a loyal friend that mirrored Jo in many ways, and Izzie was an unexpected, bubbly best friend that reminded Jo of her only friend in college more and more every day. She didn’t have a problem with either of those women. Not at all. She wasn’t the jealous type either. She trusted Alex implicitly. She never had a reason to suspect that he would do something behind her back. That was, until he started to make excuses and lie to her about his whereabouts.      

Maybe she should’ve been a bit more understanding. After all, Meredith and Izzie had both been through a lot last year. Jo had spent countless hours by their sides comforting and supporting them. But in the process of trying to be a good friend, she felt like she was losing her boyfriend.

The last straw was when Alex left her alone at the hospital after having driven there together that morning. It had been a long day and Jo was looking forward to getting home, taking a shower, and lazing around on the couch with Alex. After she’d finished changing out of her scrubs, she walked down to the bench out by the parking lot where she and Alex normally waited for each other. Jo waited for about twenty minutes when she finally walked back inside to the nurse’s station to find him.

“Hey, could you page Dr. Karev for me? I’ve been waiting for him to leave but he hasn’t come down yet. Is he still in surgery?” Jo asked nurse Vicky.

“I saw Dr. Karev leave over an hour ago?” Vicky replied.

“What? Are you sure? We came in one car today,” Jo’s brow furrowed.

“Yeah. I saw him walk out with Grey and Stevens. It seemed like they were in a rush to get somewhere,” Vicky nodded. “Is there someone you want me to call for you?”

“No, it’s fine,” Jo shook her head. “I’ll figure something out.”

Jo ended up getting a ride back to the loft she and Alex shared from one of her interns, of all people. She thanked him bashfully as she got out of the car and walked up the steps, seeing Alex’s car in front of the building. Jo took a deep breath as she reached the door. On the way there, she’d thought long and hard about how this conversation was going to go. How could she talk about ending this? Alex was her best friend, the love of her life. He was the person who said he’d always be there for her. And yet, here she was outside their home because he left her without a word.

Finally mustering up enough courage, Jo slid the door open and stepped inside.

“I need to talk to you,” Jo put her things down in front of the bed.

“I need to talk to you,” Alex walked towards her with a glass of champagne in his hands.

“No, no, no. Listen…” Jo paused as she got choked up. “This isn’t working. I need someone in my corner, and the more I look at it, the only person I have is me.”

“Jo—”

“And I don’t want to make you choose between me and your friends, our friends. But I can’t keep feeling like everyone’s second choice. Especially not yours. Not when I love you with everything I have. Not when I put you before everything,” Jo’s eyes watered. “But right now, all I can see is how you choose everyone else over me. I mean, you left me at the hospital today. We came in one car and you didn’t even let me know that you were leaving. I sat there waiting for you like an idiot for a long time, but you never showed. And you didn’t even have the decency to let me know that you left. I had to find out from Vicky when I went to ask her to page you. I found out that instead of waiting for me, you left with Mer and Izzie. So… I’m going to go stay with Cristina for a while.”

“Jo, stop!” Alex put down the glasses as Jo made her way to the drawer to collect her things.

She turned around to see Alex on one knee with a ring in his hand, “Oh my God. Alex.”

“Yeah?” his lips twitched in a little smile.

“What are you doing?” Jo looked at him with wide eyes.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Alex took a deep breath. “I’m sorry I left you, but I’ve been planning this night for weeks and was so caught up in trying to get everything perfect that I forgot we drove together today.” He took her hand in one of his. “Mer has been holding onto this thing for months now so that you wouldn’t see it in my underwear drawer and Izzie helped me make dinner since I don’t really know how to cook. I’m not replacing you with them or putting them first. I swear. I just couldn’t have you figure out what I was doing.” He paused and looked up at her. “I had a whole speech planned out, but I honestly don’t remember most of it right now.”

Jo let out a little laugh, “It’s okay.”

“But here’s the gist of it; I love you and I want to love you for the rest of my life,” Alex felt his eyes fill with tears. “I never thought I’d be lucky enough to find you and now that I have, I never want to be without you. I don’t know how some stranger in a diner could end up becoming my best friend, but I’m grateful that it happened because you changed my life. Jo, I love you and I love our life together, but I don’t want this to be it. I want so much more with you. So I guess what I’m asking is, will you do me the honor of becoming my life?”

“Yes,” Jo beamed brightly.

“Yes?” Alex’s jaw dropped.

“Of course it’s a yes,” Jo laughed. “Don’t look so surprised.”

“I’m just—I can’t believe you’re going to be my wife,” Alex’s grin grew. He took the ring from the box and slipped it on her finger. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

+ + +

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water

And every time I look at you, it's like the first time

I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter

She is the best thing that's ever been mine"

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter

You are the best thing, that's ever been mine

+ + +

When talking about their wedding, Jo and Alex both agreed that they wanted it near the water at sunset. They had first gotten together on a secluded dock in Boston so it was only fitting that they get married near something meaningful. One day while talking about locations at Meredith’s, Shepherd suggested they try renting a ferry boat and the pair knew immediately that it was right for them.

The day couldn’t have been more perfect. The sun was setting on the water, casting pink and purple hues to paint the sky. The colors reflected beautifully against the water and gave everything a soft glow. Their guests were sitting comfortably on the deck of the boat awaiting the start of the ceremony.

Alex stood in front of the crowd of guests with Jackson and Meredith at his side, smiling brightly at their friend’s nervous fidgeting.

“Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet now,” Meredith leaned over and whispered in his ear. “Because it’s kind of two late for that. It would look really bad if I had to run out of here to start up the getaway car.”

“Shut up,” Alex chuckled. “I’m not having cold feet. I’m just… I can’t believe it. I’m getting married and I don’t know… Jo is going to look beautiful when she walks out here in her dress and I guess, I want to make sure I look nice for her.”

“Wow, you really are whipped, man,” Jackson teased. “It’s okay, though. I’ll give you a free pass since it’s your wedding day and all.”

“Whatever, Avery. You just wait until you find someone who-”

Alex was cut off by Bailey’s nudge, “Hush Karev. It’s about to start.”

Alex closed his mouth and nodded as Bailey smoothed out her dress for the hundredth time. He was grateful she’d said yes to officiating his and Jo’s wedding. Bailey had become one of the most important and influential people in their lives and she was honored when they asked her if she would marry them.

The music began and Izzie and Cristina made their way down the aisle as Lexie tossed yellow flower petals in the air from her spot off to the side. Jo took a couple deep breaths and she waited around the corner, making sure to steady herself before going out there.

“You ready Wilson?” Dr. Webber stood beside her with a soft smile on his face.

“I’ve never been more ready for anything in my life,” Jo’s face brightened in excitement. “And after today, it won’t be Wilson anymore.”

“Really now?” Webber’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “I wouldn't have thought you’d change it.”

“I never had a family name growing up. Wilson is something I made up along the way. Karev means something, though. It belongs to Alex, but now it’s mine, and it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

“I’m happy for you,” Webber smiled. He held his arm out for her to hold on to. “I think it’s our turn.”

The moment was surreal. It was like in those movies when all time stops as the bride and groom get their first looks at each other and everything else fades away. But there’s no better way to describe the feeling of all your love for a person seeming to pour out of your chest. It was overwhelming, tear-inducing, and so incredibly wonderful.

So much of the following minutes were a blur until Bailey signaled that it was time to recite their vows, “Both Alex and Jo have prepared their own vows that they wish to share in front of us today. Alex, you will go first.”

“Huh?” Alex—who had been too busy admiring the woman in front of him—cleared his throat. “Oh, sorry. I got distracted.”

Their guests laughed at his honesty. He took a deep breath and began, “Jo. For the past six years, you have been my rock, my constant, my best friend. Every moment spent with you has been better than I could’ve ever hoped for. I knew from the minute you sat down at my table at the diner in Boston that you would be in my life forever. Maybe it was your smile or your laugh or something entirely out of my control, but that day I changed for the better, and it’s because of you. Now, we were idiots and didn’t say anything for over a year, but I’m happy that we didn’t. It gave me a chance to grow in love with you.”

“I still remember how I felt that day when we were sitting there by the water. I looked at you and I knew that you were it for me. I knew that I would love you for the rest of my life. And every time I look at you, it’s like the first time. So today, I stand here in front of our friends, our family, and promise to love you every day like it’s the last. I promise to be your anchor, your friend, anything you need me to be. All that I am and all that I ever will be is yours. I know it’s cheesy and I'm gonna get a lot of heat from our friends for saying it, but you hold my heart in your hands. I want to be with you, for better or worse, in sickness and in health… You made me a better man. You make me a better man every single day.  So, I vow to be that man for you until death do us part.”

Alex’s declaration had everyone’s eyes misting. It wasn’t often that they heard him speak so openly, so it was impacting when they witnessed the love he had for Jo.

Meanwhile, Jo was wiping away a couple tears that had escaped and struggling to compose herself. She let out a soft laugh, “Gosh, how do you follow that?” Their guests chuckled in response.

“Okay, here goes nothing,” Jo exhaled. “Alex. I love you. When I was a little girl I never dreamed that I’d be able to say that to someone so freely, much less have someone say it back. You entered my life in the most unexpected way, but I can’t imagine it without you. I never expected that the guy I met the summer before medical school would end up becoming my husband, but here we are, six years later, more in love than I ever thought possible.”

“When I think about our life together, I think of all the things we’ve had to overcome and the work it took to get here. I am by no means a perfect person, so today I vow to honor the journey that brought us here. I vow to love you even when I might not like you. I vow to be your partner. I vow to fight for us come hell or high water. I vow to be faithful, patient and supportive for the rest of my life. Because I used to have nothing, and then I met you. You gave me a place to belong, a family, love, and you remind me that I’m worthy of it every single day. Alex Karev, you are my soulmate, my heart, my home, and my very best friend. But most of all, you are the best thing that’s ever been mine, and I cannot wait to be your wife.”

“Can we have the rings?” Bailey asked, Meredith handing them to her. “Today, we use these rings to symbolize the unbreakable unity in this relationship and the never-ending love and commitment they have for each other.”

Bailey placed Jo’s ring in Alex’s hand and spoke, “Alex Karev. Do you take Jo Wilson to be your wife.”

“I do,” Alex smiled and slid the wedding band on Jo’s finger.

“And do you, Jo Wilson, take Alex Karev to be your husband?” Bailey repeated the motion and gave Jo, Alex’s ring.

“I super do,” Jo beamed and slid the ring on Alex’s finger.

“Well. Then by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride.”

And for the first time, Jo and Alex knew without a shadow of a doubt that they’d make it.

+ + +

Do you believe it?

We're gonna make it now

Yes, yes, I can see it now

[poetryofyouth]

I did it, I finally quit psychiatry

(I wrote this for r/antipsychiatry, but I thought I might as well post it here too. don't read if you're easily triggered)

It's been a long journey through hell, but I've had enough. I'm not taking any more shit from incompetent, clueless doctors who think they know me better than I do myself. Who do not listen to me when I beg them to change the medication and instead just give me more of the stuff that is making me worse. I'll finally be free.

I doubt anyone cares, but I'll just tell you my story from the beginning. This is going to be a very long story. Basically, I became depressed at 14 or 15, I'm a 22 year old woman now. The reason was mainly that I couldn't handle the pressure from school. I am a very ambitious, perfectionist but also extremely lazy person. I was constantly beating myself up for not achieving what I wanted to achieve but also unable to fix my behavior. I did also have some slight, not even that serious trauma from a emotionally neglectful childhood and my parents telling me I was a failure every time I would get a grade that wasn't an A. At some point it all became too much and I started self-harming. Then I got worse and worse, self harming occasionally but severely, until I finally attempted suicide at 17.

I was locked into a youth psychiatry institution against my. will. I had my rights, my freedom taken away and was forced to take heavy medications. The very first evening I asked the psychiatrist at the hospital about the side effects of the medications, but he refused to tell me anything and instead just said I should trust his professional judgement. Unfortunately I was too tired and unwell to keep asking so I just accepted not knowing what would happen to me.

They gave me very high doses of Seroquel (Quetiapine), SSRIs and other stuff that I don't even know because they didn't even tell me the names of what they made me take. I just know the names of the medications I was supposed to continue to take after the hospital stay because they were in the papers they gave me. Then after a few days I begged the doctor to take me off the meds because I was so tired I could barely move. I had never felt worse in my life. she refused and instead upped my dose further.

I got worse and worse until I managed to get access to a razor blade I injured myself with on purpose. When my roommate told the nurses what I had done, I was forcefully, against my will restrained onto a bed. Yes, they actually tied me to a bed. And then pushed the bed into a small room where I was alone, and tied to the bed, unable to move. Of course I had a severe panic attack. The room had video surveillance, but it took them quite some time to notice that I was having a panic attack. they finally came and gave me something to breathe into and I calmed down more or less, but they didn't untie me. I later had to pee, and they didn't even untie me for that. I had to pee into a bedpan while tied to the bed, with a nurse watching me. it was incredibly humiliating. I was not untied the entire night. I was restrained until the next morning. When they finally untied me, I had quite seriously injured myself from fighting against the restraints. I had basically torn the skin off my ankles, the scars are faded now but they were visible for many years. It was quite painful. I do consider this incident of being restrained against my will psychiatric abuse, especially because I was restrained for so long. In total probably 10 hours, maybe even more.

Then the hospital didn't really know what to do with myself. I had of course lost any trust I had into the nurses and doctors and shut myself off from them. So they transferred me to a different institution, a more high-security one. Of course I wasn't asked if that was okay, I had to comply. I had began to form relationships with some of the girls, so being taken away from the small support system I had was very stresssful, especially considering how fragile I was at that time.

The other institution wasn't much different, but it was good for me to be taken away from the people who had abused me. I got a tiny bit better. I started to trust the nurses there a little bit. I got along with the other patients and over all liked the hospital better for maby reasons. And then they noticed I was a little better. And then they decided I was well enough to go back to the other hospital. Of course I wasn't asked this time either. But I had made more progress there in two weeks than in the other hospital in a month. I had again started building a little support system. But worst of all, I was forced to go back to the place where I had been abused, and at the time I was still very affected by the experience. I felt incredibly powerless and betrayed, but I didn't have a choice.

Then back at the first hospital I decided I would get better, for no other reason than to finally be able to leave that horrible place.

Then two things were getting severly uncomfortable. I was weighed every week and started noticing significant weight gain. At the same time, I was hungry all the time. painfully hungry, ravenous, even. I basically felt like I was starving all the time but still put on weight. Of course that was because of the high doses of Seroquel, but no one told me. I told nurses, doctors and therapists about the hunger and weight gain, but they simply didn't tell me that was a side effect, they told me an increased appetite was a sign i was getting better. I legit thought I was losing my mind.I have struggled with weight all my life and putting weight on like that made me feel horrible.

Then the doctor decided I was well enough to start taking up school work again. I begged him not to force me to, I told them the pressure of school was the reason I was sick in the first place. Of course no one listened to me. I was forced to do school work even if I knew it wasn't good for me. they didn't care.

Then, after three months of hell, I was finally released. And only because it was Christmas, and my parents refused to leave me there over Christmas. I got a therapist and medication for home.

Then after the Christmas holidays I, against my will, started going to school again. And after about two weeks, my new therapist told me that I had to choose between dropping out of school or going back to the hospital, because school was already making me severely suicidal again. And that was one of the few good things a mental health professional had said to me. I dropped out of school and actually started getting better for real. I sometimes forgot to take my medication, and every time I did, I instanty felt better. I suddenly didn't feel like a tired zombie anymore, I actually had emotions, I felt... alive. So I begged my psychiatrist to let me stop taking medications, and a few months after being released from the hospital, I was free of them.

And everything was great. I got a job, then I volunteered in New Zealand, then, when I was in a more stable place than at 17, I took up school again and graduated with flying colors. I was doing incredibly well.

And then I started university. The first semester went okay, but my mental health quickly started deteriorating. It was the academic pressure again. That's simply something I cannot handle. Soon I started self harming again, and it became more frequent than ever before. I also got into a bad, one might even say toxic, relationship. My girlfriend had issues on her own, but her behavior towards me was often extremely triggering and I very frequently self harmed because of something to do with our relationship. I do not want to blame her for my behavior, but she often made feel worthless, like I was not good enough for her. She would frequently cancel our dates at the last minute, and when she didn't, she would be half an hour late, and when we were together, she didn't make me feel very appreciated either. I was very much in love with her and always blamed myself for everything she did. She once even talked me into having sex with her, when I had said no repeatedly. She did not accept no for an answer and kept pushing until I slept with her to make her shut up. I felt like I didn't have a choice. She didn't force me to, but she simply did not accept my "no". Anyways, it was not her who took the knife to my skin, but she was a big factor in why I did it. I never told her she was a reason for my severe self harm, I didn't want her to feel bad. I didn't hide my wounds fro. her, I mean we did see each other naked and I always had at least four or five big bandages. We just kinda... ignored that.

So then I was getting desperate and decided to get professional help once again. I went to a free psychiatrist from the student councellors and she prescribed me Seroquel once again. I told her I didn't want to take it because it had made me gain a lot of weight and made me very tired. She laughed in my face and told me Seroquel doesn't do that. I don't know if she was just incompetent or lied to me on purpose, because these side effects are experienced by pretty much every single person who takes Seroquel, they are listed in the information leaflet, and I know many people who have taken this medication, all of them had them. During the appointment, she did not even ask me how I was feeling. She prescribed me 200 mg of Seroquel XR. Now, the recommended starting dosage is 50 mg. She prescribed me a starting dosage of four times the recommended amount. Unfortunately, I did not know that back then, I didn't expect a doctor to be that negligent. I took the first 200 mg pill that very evening before going to listen to a debate. Seroquel XR takes a while to kick in, but oh boy did it kick in. I didn't even notice the tiredness that much because I was having severe heart palpitations. My vision was going from normal to black and to normal again all the time. I was dizzy and desoriented and felt my heart was about to jump out of my chest, and sometimes it stopped beating for several seconds. I legit thought I might die in the audience of a debate on ethical farming.

Of course I didn't take the pills the next day and started looking for another psychiatrist. I got an appointment relatively quickly at a private one, it was relatively hopeless to get an appointment with one my insurance would pay, but I thought if she could help me, money wouldn't matter. She prescribed me some stuff that didn't do much harm but also didn't do much good. basically, i was a little tired but that was it. i got a therapist.

About 9 months passed, I had several psychiatrist appointments where I told her the meds didn't do much good, but she never really changed anything. She also insisted that I would get tested for Borderline personality disorder and the psychologist she told me to go to diagnosed me with it. My therapist at the time agreed with me that there was no way in hell that I have BPD, but she also said that when psychiatrists see an adult who self harms, BPD is the only thing that can explain that for them.

Then fall came and a new uni semester started. I had been alright over summer, I had broken up with my girlfriend, but of course with the start of the semester, everything came crashing down.

I lasted a month in university until i impulsively took the whole pack of Seroquel I still had laying around and went to the hospital telling them i was suicidal and also told them what i had done.

Now, I have to say that the nurses in this hospital were absolute angels. They treated my with respect, I almost felt mothered. I was given a lot of activated charcoal and basically had a good night in the hospital. I also got stitches for my freshest self harm injuries, but I had several ones that were too old to be treated that way.

The next morning I was transferred. Can you guess where to? The mental hospital i had been to as a teen. Again, I didn't have a choice.

But overall, the experience at the emergency ward was not as horrible as the first time. I was an adult now and actually treated like a human person. it says a lot about my first experience that I was very surprised by that.

I felt better rather quickly, mostly because the stress factory university was eliminated. The doctor there again insisted that I had BPD even when I said that was ridiculous. They evalued me again and the psychologist came to the conclusion that I had a borderline accentuation, basically borderline borderline.

The emergency ward doctor talked me into treatment at the psychotherapy ward, so I did that for 8 weeks. it was okay, again I was treated way better than as a teen. I was allowed to have an opinion about the medication, I was even allowed to read the little side effect pamphlets. But overall it didn't really do it, I self harmed less but I still self harmed.

During that stay I decided to drop out of university and start an apprenticeship as a baker. I found a company to work for, I loved work, then Corona happened. The company had to shut down. They laid me off after I had only worked there for three weeks. Basically I fell into a hole again, became a depressive husk again.

Then some time passes and a new therapist asked me why I didn't want to go to university anymore, she basically thought i was too intelligent not to. I told her how I could never focus, how I struggled with procrastination, how I couldn't handle the pressure and she recommended that I get assessed for ADHD. Now, I had suspended I had ADHD for years, but I didn't want to bring it up myself. I didn't want to seem like hypochondriac, or an attention whore, and after all, I had told so many people about my struggles and they never suspended ADHD. But I was relieved she brought it up and I had an "excuse" to get assessed. I was professionally diagnosed with ADHD soon after and happily went to my psychiatrist with my brand new diagnosis, I was full of hope that I would finally be "fixed". She basically told me she couldn't help me because she didn't know a lot about adhd. She prescribed me a very low dosage of Strattera (10 mg) and recommend me a specialist. I called the specialist, but they told me they couldn't give me an appointment and I should call in a few months, maybe it would be possible then.

It was july, and over the course of summer I decided I would try university again. Maybe if I was medicated for ADHD, I would actually be able to study. In fall of 2020, I started a brand new program, something very different from what I had done before.

I realized pretty quickly that the Strattera wasn't helping so I found a private ADHD specialist. I was extremely excited for the appointment. Again I thought "I only have to get through these few weeks, then I will finally get proper treatment" I didn't get proper treatment. He prescribed me more Strattera, which didn't help. The next appointment was a month after the first and again, I was excited. I was sure thia time he would fix me. I was sure after that appointment I wouldn't have to suffer anymore. But again, despite me saying I wanted to try something different, and that Strattera was not helping at all, he prescribed more Strattera.

Then university was getting really stressful, I had exams before Christmas, I was frustrated about him not listening to me. I started having suicidal thoughts again, I even relapsed with self harm, it had been months since the last time. But I more or less got through it in a piece, I even passed the exams (surprisingly), and was again looking forward to the next psychiatrist appointment after the Christmas vacation.

Strattera wasn't doing nothing, but it was not doing anything helpful. Basically, it made me feel quite relaxed, chill, less stressed. Which sounds good at first. But in order to get anything done, I rely on negative motivation. Basically, if I'm not panicking over possibly failing an exam, I'm just simply not going to study. So Strattera took the tiny bit of self-discipline and motivation that I had away and replaced it with a "idgaf"-attitude.Of course I told the psychiatrist. But can you guess what he did? Bingo, he upped the Strattera dosage. Again.

Then I had a second appointment with a new therapist, an ADHD specialist for adults. I told her how he did not care what I told him about Strattera and she was extremely upset and said that I can't let myself be treated like that. I needed to call him immediately and yell at him until he does something actually useful. I was baffled. I am not a confrontational person at all and I had never even considered actually arguing with a doctor. Yes I know, it sounds stupid in hindsight, but even after all that I had experienced, I still naively thought the professionals know best.

Okay so I called him. unsuccessful. I texted him. he ignored me. He had ignored my texts telling him that I was actually worse even before that last appointment, even though he told me to contact him with any concerns, and said that he prefered texts best, I thought he was maybe busy or something and didn't think much of it, but then he was ignoring my calls and texts. I was basically ghosted by a s

psychiatrist.

Okay I thought, then I'll simply go to someone else. To my suprise I got an appointment really quickly. I knew this wasn't a good sign, because good psychiatrists, if there even are any, don't have appointments free that soon.

But still, I had hope. And was of course disappointed again. I went to her with a professional ADHD diagnosis, but for her, that wasn't good enough. She had the audacity to tell me I needed another diagnosis from her psychologist friend who, by the way, has his office in a town over an hour away. She refused to treat me at all until I got that second diagnosis. Now,. I went to her out of pure desperation, out of knowing I simply could not go on like this any longer. Because I needed treatment quickly. And she told me she wouldn't give me that. I couldn't keep a few tears from escaping my eyea, she noticed and said very condescendingly "you don't have to cry, that's normal procedure". I tried my best to fight the tears, but as soon as I left her office, I started bawling my eyes out in the middle of town

And then I knew I was done. I had tried and tried again to get help, and I had not gotten it, I had not been listened to. Something in me snapped right in front of that office building.

I went home and threw my medication in the trash. Sure, it's bad to quit cold turkey like that, but honestly I don't care. I'm done. I'm done with psychiatry, I'm done with doctors. I have had the patience of a saint, but enough is enough. That was yesterday. And today I flipped a coin, twice, once for the psychiatrist and once for the new therapist. It told me to quit both of them, so I did.

I'm done with the mental health industrial complex. It has not helped me in all those years. I have only been sedated. Fuck psychiatry, fuck psychiatrists. Maybe I am simply meant to be miserable. I'll probably drop out of uni again, I thought I would be able to do it with treatment, but I did not get treatment, and I simply cannot do it this way. I've already attempted suicide because of academic pressure twice. Maybe I'll just have to live a miserable life working a low-paying job until I'm sad enough to finally actually kill myself. I'll probably always be a wreck, but at least I won't be a sedated wreck any longer. I'll be free, until I will be free for real.

Thank you for reading all this. I know it was a lot, but I needed to get it off my chest. Thank you.

[wu-sisyphus-gang]

Motion Sickness Chapter 73

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(Ruby PoV)

"You spent the night in his room," Blake accused Weiss as she rejoined us.

"He had nightmares that kept him up. Dreams from Salem," Weiss responded. "Nothing happened."

"I gave it away to Adam too soon. I regret it."

"Nothing happened," Weiss repeated.

"And our Cloud isn't like your Adam," I said. "I don't regret having sex with him the times that I did. It was wonderful. If something happened between Weiss and him, it's not like what happened between you and Adam."

"And I'm telling you nothing happened anyways. I set boundaries and he respected them," Weiss said.

"He never did that at Beacon," Yang tossed in. "He was always all over you."

"He was a newborn at Beacon. And it was never as bad as I made it seem," Weiss defended. "He was always polite and… he was afraid. It was a first crush and it was never like what Blake must have gone through. Jaune, when he was Jaune, pressured me into going to the movies, not even close to sex. It's just not the same. I think he would have been scared of something like that."

"So what did you get up to, then?" Yang asked. She sounded bored.

"He told me a bit about what his new meds were like. How they all had side effects and he was on some just to treat the side effects of others. He said he felt doped up all the time," Weiss answered. "He said he felt half asleep."

"That's no good if he gets in a fight," Yang muttered.

"Cloud is skilled. He should be fine," I defended.

"I don't know. I'm worried about him, Ruby," Weiss said. "His nightmares are bad. And Salem is always trying to press on his mind."

"So what should we do? It's not like we can kill Salem. She's invincible, or close to it," I murmured.

"Does Cloud know that?" Blake asked. "I wouldn't tell him. He might decide to kill himself if he thought it was hopeless. He told me he tried it after he killed Ren and Nora."

"He tried to kill himself?" Weiss asked, astonished.

"You didn't know?" Blake returned. "He mentioned it to me when we talked about Adam."

"No, I didn't know." Weiss shot a look back through the door she came through, she looked like she might go back to him.

"Maybe we should talk to him," I managed.

"You haven't been able to help him yet," Blake muttered.

"Blake! Who's side are you on?" Weiss asked.

"His, evidently. I think he agrees with me about him," Blake returned. "I think he knows his situation is hopeless."

"He's not hopeless. He's resisting her," I said.

"How long can he keep that up?" Blake wondered. Her palms outstretched. "Even he doesn't think he can last forever against her, does he?" She shot the last bit to Weiss.

"He thinks it's permanent brain damage. He thinks he's having seizures or strokes," Weiss said. "He thinks she'll get to him. Especially while he's sleeping."

I chewed on my lip. "So what do we do? Send him back to the hospital?" I wondered.

Weiss winced. "Cloud won't like that. They took his weapon away last time. He doesn't want to go back and 'get locked up.'"

"Should he even have his weapon?" Yang asked. We all looked at her. "Well should he? He's a little fucked up."

"When he killed for the first time, I was so worried about him. It doesn't seem like he's slowed down since then. It's all been a blur," I said. "I was so worried. I thought I messed everything up. But what if this has just been in him. Festering beneath the surface. He's been sick."

"He is. I hoped that we would be able to take care of him. Are we going to give that up?" Weiss asked.

"I don't know. What do we do, Weiss?"

"Me? I have no idea."

"You've always been the smart one."

"So I should know what to do about this?" She shook her head. "I have no clue. He's in a lot of pain. All the time."

"Well, where is he now?" I asked.

She pointed back at the door she came through. "He's getting ready for another day. I don't know if he has an assignment or if he's just slated for training."

"We should be too," Blake said. she got up and began pulling her nightwear off. "I'm sure he has his head in the game."

"Blake is probably right." Weiss slunk inside and began to strip out of her clothes too. "Maybe we'll get lucky and only have training today. She stripped down to her brassiere before I looked away.

Bad bi thoughts. Now is not the time.

I dressed supernaturally fast and was waiting for Cloud outside of his room for when he was ready in just a few minutes.

He strode from his room looking tall, dark, and handsome. His massive blade was in its harness behind his back.

"Ja-Cloud, Weiss told me a bit about what you're going through with your meds. I just wanted you to know I'm here for you. If you needed anything."

He looked surprised. His eyes flickered over my head towards my room for a moment. Then they came back to me. "I know Ruby. It's just Salem. She's always on me."

"Cloud… I talked to Ozpin… I wanted to let you know that Salem is invincible."

"Immortal," he corrected. "Not invincible."

"You knew?" I asked.

"It's what I asked the relic of knowledge. How to defeat her, I mean. I have a plan. I'm going to cut her into pieces and never ever give her the chance to heal."

"You think that will work?" I wondered. My gaze brushed over his bronze and white sword.

"It's worth a shot. If not I'm doomed."

"You're not doomed. And you're not… you're not thinking about killing yourself, are you?"

He sighed. He met my eye. "Don't freak out on me Ruby."

"I won't." I vowed.

"I'm always thinking about killing myself. It seems like the fastest way to get away from her."

My mouth dropped open. "Cloud…"

"Other times it seems like exactly what she wants. I have no idea what to do."

"You're not going to hurt yourself, are you?" I pleaded and begged.

"Probably not today."

"Cloud…" I murmured.

"It has nothing to do with you, or how great you are to me." He pulled his hand down and cupped my cheek. "It all has to do with her. With my mother. Her control over my mind isn't simple. She is constantly attacking my subconscious. That's what makes it hard to resist. If I'm paying attention it's easy enough for the most part, but I have to constantly be afraid of what's slipping through the cracks. Like calling her my mother, for one. That's constantly coming through, no matter how hard I try. I have to be afraid of what else is happening like that."

"She is your mother," I whispered.

"That's not why I call her that, though." He sighed and shifted. He grabbed the hilt of his weapon for a long moment. Like he might draw it. But against what? It was just him, I, and his loud thoughts in a long corridor.

He released the long red handle and sighed. He rubbed his face hard.

"Weiss mentioned you were having strokes and seizures."

"I asked her not to share that with you…"

"What? Why?" I had to wonder. My heart broke a little.

"I didn't want to worry you. This is normal for me now. I was worried it would break your little Ruby heart."

"Too late…" I grumbled. "You should know you can share anything with me."

"You're right. Of course you're right. And you'd be right to be worried about me. Something is happening to me that I can't understand."

Weiss, Blake, and Yang walked out of our room but only Weiss walked over to us.

"You told her about the seizures," Cloud commented.

"Of course," Weiss said. She crossed her arms. "It was never up for a discussion."

"Fair enough," Cloud whistled. "Fair cop."

"Blake mentioned you tried to kill yourself," Weiss went on. "But you didn't feel like sharing that with us."

Cloud scratched the back of his head. "It slipped my mind amongst everything else."

"Uh huh," Weiss muttered tursley. Her expression made it clear that wasn't going to fly. "Are you forgetting anything else?"

I crossed my arms beside her but I don't think I managed to direct the same amount of disappointment at him as she did.

"I promise to tell at least one of you if I remember," Cloud vowed.

"At least one of us?" Weiss asked. She leveled her glare at him and flared her nostrils in his direction.

"Both of you, then." Cloud agreed. "And the moment I remember."

"That's how things need to be for this to work," Weiss said.

"You got it." I thought Cloud might salute at her but that would be just a bit much.

"Look I don't want to be the bad guy here," Weiss murmured. "But this needs to be ironed out."

"You're not. It's on me. Pinkie swear," Cloud seemed all onboard.

Weiss sighed. "We're worried about you. We don't know how to help you."

"I think that no one can. And I resent putting you in that position."

"We want to be in that position," I said softly. "We want to try our hardest to help you."

Cloud looked stunned. His jaw worked for a moment while he tried to figure out something to say. "You're right. I'm sorry. You of all people I shouldn't be cutting out like that. I just don't know what to do. And I'm scared. I'm scared that there's nothing you can do."

"Let us try," I whispered.

He reeled back like I struck him across the face. He flinched back and had trouble meeting my eye.

He gave a slow firm nod of assent. It couldn't be mistaken for anything else. He was giving his word that he would do what he could to help us help him.

"Now," I said with all that cleared up. "Do you need to go back to the hospital?"

"I don't know. They weren't the most helpful. They took my weapon away. They take everything away. There's nothing to do but wait for my next meal. It makes me feel like a dog."

"You're not a dog," Weiss murmured.

"I am to Salem," he countered. "She's so old and strong. I'm like a dog to her if she's like a person to me."

"Is anything getting better on your medication?" I asked.

"Maybe the hallucinations but it's hard to tell." He rubbed his face with his hand. "There's not exactly a good reference frame for it. How loud they are. How intense they are."

"How many medications are you on at this point? You said they kept prescribing things."

"Four. Two tranquilizers, an antipsychotic, and some other one that's supposed to help with racing thoughts and tremors caused by the others."

"Is that a lot?" I asked Weiss with a look.

"I don't know," Weiss muttered. "I'm not a psychiatrist."

"They want to get me down to just two medications. They're still experimenting with what works and what doesn't. Some of the medications can make things worse more than they make things better. It's not exact and I just have to trust that they know what they're doing."

"Maybe we need to get a second opinion," Weiss crossed her arms. "Maybe we need to talk to a private provider."

"That means telling them my story again, and it'll take time."

"And it will cost money," I said.

"Money isn't a problem. I have some bank accounts from when I stole from people on the wrong side of the law with millions of Lien, still," Cloud said.

"Who'd you steal that from?" Weiss asked.

"Don Corneo. Then I killed him. Neo and I did. I still have those private bank accounts, they didn't take them from me when I was arrested. Didn't know that they existed."

"Hang in there, Cloud. We'll find something that works for you," Weiss murmured. "It can and will get better."

"I just… I just don't think we will. Don't think it will. Mother's hooks are in me deep. And if this is all I have to look forward to, maybe I should kill myself."

"Don't think that way," I pleaded.

"I am thinking that way. All the time. I can't help it," he muttered. "I obsess about it. Part of why I think maybe she wants me to do it. She told me to run away, in a whisper, once. This is the ultimate form of that. I'm terrified that if I try and kill myself I won't die and I'll become even more of a burden on you both."

"Holy shit," I breathed, eyes wide.

"Let's get that second opinion. It's a good place to start," Weiss said. "Then we'll see. Just… just don't do anything rash."

He gave us a shaky but agreeable nod.

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"How's your boyfriend and girlfriend?" Penny asked as the truck hummed along.

"We had a date that went well the other day. All three of us. But… but Weiss and I are worried about him. I worry about him all the time. He has all these dark thoughts. Remnants of what Salem did to his mind," I answered. "I don't know how to help him. He's struggling and I'm not sure how to reach him."

"Well what did Salem do to him?"

"She took over his mind. He says she spoke and he had to obey."

"Like he was programmed to?" She asked. I looked at Penny. She was a machine for all that she was a real person too, maybe she had some insights I was lacking because of how she was made. "I'm slated for a sparring match with him later this week. His powers make it so that he might be able to keep up with me and present me a real one on one challenge. My abilities often make it difficult for an individual to contest me alone. Ironwood said to treat it like I was fighting Cinder Fall because of how he might have magic. It might be my best chance to practice against such a foe until Winter becomes the new winter maiden."

"That's…" I paused. I hadn't had the chance to go up against him myself any time recently. Not since before Weiss and Yang showed up in Mistral. "I should spar with him too. We always used to back in Anima. I miss it." I shook those thoughts off. "And he says his subconscious is always under her attack. He's afraid of what might be coming through when he's not paying attention. And even when he is sometimes things slip past him."

"He's on a medication regiment, yes?"

I nodded. "But he's not sure how well it's working."

"If I found out I was programmed to do something I hated I'm not sure how I would respond," Penny said. She shook her head slightly. "It would make me sad to say nothing else. And he killed his friends. I can only imagine how hard that would be."

I nodded. "But Salem hasn't had any control over him since then."

"That he himself knows of. If I was programmed against my will I don't know that I would notice it. Would I? Could I? Perhaps that's what he's afraid of. He might be afraid of doing her will unknowingly."

"He said that about killing himself. That he wasn't sure if he would just be playing into her hands if he did take his life. It's… it's too scary to think about. What if I lost him again? It would be my own fault."

"No one would hold you responsible. Salem is a monster. And she's doing something horrible to him. She's hacking his brain."

"Is there any way I can keep him safe? He doesn't sleep well. He says he's vulnerable to her while he does."

"He's probably right. And sleep is a time for the brain to repair itself. Has he suffered any other brain trauma related phenomena?"

"He thinks he's having miniature strokes and seizures because of it."

"Ruby… this sounds bad," Penny confessed to me. "It sounds like she's winning. Slowly but surely. She's breaking him down into what she wants him to be. If he was a machine like me it would be fast but this wetware attack is slow going."

"What do I do, Penny? How do I save him from this?"

"I'm not sure that you can, it sounds like he must fight as well as he is able against her attacks. For as long as he is able."

The truck rolled along for a quiet moment.

"He has sisters, right? They might be able to shed some light on this. The successful models may know more," Penny murmured.

"They work for Salem. She has them too."

"Ruby…"

I felt like crying. I felt so utterly helpless. How could I possibly save him from this… this nightmare he lived in.

"I'm going to be there for him. Whatever he needs. I won't let him lose himself. Not over to Salem."

"Ruby I think… I think you should start to let go. Remember him how he was, before it's too late. Before she takes him."

"I'm not going to give up on him. I refuse to abandon him." I was adamant.

"I think you're going to hurt yourself. I hate to see you this way."

"Weiss and I will come up with a plan to keep him safe."

"It doesn't sound like you can. He's being hacked remotely. Not unless you kill Salem. Stop things at the source."

"We can't kill her. She's immortal. Like Ozpin." It was so unfair. It felt like checkmate five turns ago. "I won't let him walk through hell. I would lose myself for him."

"Ruby…"

"I mean it. If I have to fight Salem herself I will. Cloud says he knows where she is all the time. Like some kind of radar. We can find her and beat her. She's only immortal. Not invincible. That's what Cloud said. I'm going to help him cut her into tiny pieces so she can never harm a hair on his head again."

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-WG

[that-sex-girl]

Hey, it's pregnancy-anon again. (just gonna call myself that so you know what I am referring to) your answer was really really helpful. I feel way too young to have a baby cause I'm under 25, but in the past few weeks or months the topic has just made me incredibly curious. Don't know why, I just am curious but not looking to prepare myself or sth. I know it's v individual. So yeah, I've actually got a few more questions. :)

I feel like so many women struggle with nausea and I'm thinking like... How bad can that be? Cause personally I hate no illness more than anything related to throwing up and I'd be scared of that. Also, when did you first feel the baby? I remember seeing a film in which the woman said she was sure she had felt something, just an unknown presence, a few weeks along, but that physically it doesn't make a change really.

Also I was wondering what else changes during pregnancy or what changed for you? I mean except for the typical no alcohol no coffee stuff. I've been going the possibility of becoming pregnant one day through and through in my head, and I realised that I'm really scared of my life and body (stretch marks etc.) changing and that this defo is a sign i am far away from ready.

And last. Pregnancy sex. This is probably stupid but should the guy still come inside you or is that somehow bad? How deep should he go anyways?

I hope this isn't all too weird to ask, it's just. A lot of questions on my mind and in rl I don't have a woman present I could talk to about it. 😊 Let me know if this is too much or I'll probably come up with more asks

Hi! Please feel free to ask anything!

So my nausea was probably slightly above average bad. Just for perspective: I lost 30lbs in a single month, couldn't eat anything other than bananas and crackers, and would also vomit from smells, empty stomach, too full stomach, or just because sometimes! Mine lasted until about week 22. I was able to take prescribed nausea meds that definitely helped me keep food down and introduce new foods. As much as it sucked, by about the third week of puking 5+ times a day, I got so used to it I would puke in a bag in my car right before walking into a client's house, swig some mouthwash, and go do my job. It just became another thing! Some people experience nausea so bad it lands them in the hospital for a large portion of or the entire pregnancy. Some people don't experience it at all, some experience nausea but never actually vomit. It really can vary from nothing to as bad as you can imagine.

I personally started feeling the baby around week 15/16. I wouldn't feel him everyday, just every now and then when I would drink something sugary or eat something spicy. But by week 18 I was feeling every day, all the time. He would be still for 10-15 minutes at a time but he was very very active. I had what's called an anterior placenta, which means my placenta was in the front of my uterus instead of the top, so my husband very rarely got to feel the kicks because of the extra layer of "padding" but for me I felt them even more in my ribs and stomach, which when he was practically fully cooked could hurt like a motherfucker 😅 Most people start to feel their first kicks at 4 months and other people can feel them by 6 months. They say you feel them earlier with your second because then you know what to expect.

As far as changes, the biggest one for me was daily subdermal injections in my stomach of blood thinners. I have a genetic blood disorder called Factor V Liden, which essentially means my blood is thicker and likelier to clot. Being pregnant raises your risk of clots and therefore risk of miscarriage, so my doctor put me on injections as soon as I knew I was pregnant (8 weeks). My husband did them for me because I could never work up the courage. I was constantly sore and bruised even though my husband did his best to do it with care. At 32 weeks I had to start getting them twice a day and kept that up up until 2 weeks post partum. It REALLY sucked. As far as my body changing, I already had stretch marks but I definitely have more. I don't mind them though, I've done a lot of work on my body image with the help of therapy and body positive activities ❤️ I was 28 when I gave birth to my son. Its definitely not something I would rush into, and part of me even wishes I would have waited a little longer. Pregnancy is the easiest thing in the world compared to caring for a baby... and then a toddler.... and then a kid! 🙃

For pregnancy sex, nothing really is different! When you get pregnant your cervix becomes covered by something called "the mucus plug" that prevents anything from leaving or entering your uterus. So your partner can cum inside you with no worries. This mucus plug falls out right before you go into labor. And your partner can still go as deep as they did before, as long as it's comfortable for you it's fine for the pregnancy. Although you may have an active little baby kicking you in the ribs for a little while after because of the disturbance and rise in your heart rate!

Thanks for the ask!

~TSG

[dr-gloom]

A Post About Top Surgery From Someone Who’s Currently Recovering

Yo! I’m gonna make a Trans Survival Guide sometime soon but until then I’ve had some stuff on my mind I wanted to get out here for anyone thinking about/waiting for top surgery. I’ll try to keep it reader-friendly cause i totally understand how hard it can be to read large blocks of text

So, here we go.

Pre-Op

You’ll be asked to not drink or smoke for anywhere from a month to 2 weeks prior to surgery, depending on your surgeon’s preference.

They ask that you only use Tylenol if you need to take pain meds as ibuprofen is a blood thinner and can lead to surgical complications.

If you take vitamins or supplements of any kind, get it cleared with your surgeon or stop taking them as well.

You are absolutely allowed to ask a surgeon how many surgeries they’ve done, their success-to-revision rate, their style if they haven’t already told you, and anything else. 

You won’t offend them, and even if you do, making sure you’re going with the surgery you want is waaaay more important. Put your health and your chest above their feelings.

You’re also allowed to meet up with other surgeons to make sure you’re making the best choice. Consider this “shopping”. Just because you met a surgeon, doesn’t mean you have to go with them.

The Surgery

The specific details may vary, but from my own experience, this is how it goes. 

You’re given a time to check in, then you’re called in from the waiting room to go into Pre-Op. 

For me, this meant chillin for a couple hours under a heated blanket, IV in my arm and heart monitor on my finger. 

Until you’re taken into surgery, a lot of nothing happens, and the everything happens. You meet your surgeon so he can draw on you. You meet the anesthesiology team and presiding nurses etc. 

You can absolutely ask them any question you have, express any anxiety, no judgement. The more vocal you are, the more they can help you and by extension themselves. 

I told the anesthesiologist I’d never had surgery before so I was stressed about going under, and they put something in my IV to help me relax before I was wheeled into the OR. Then they put the mask thing over my mouth and I was out. 

You’ll be chillin naked under a hospital gown for a while lol. After you wake up, if it’s an outpatient procedure, they’ll keep you until they’re sure you’re stable - oriented, no vomiting, etc - before wheeling you out to go home. 

You’ll feel kind of slow, very tired, maybe loopy, and of course whatever you tend to feel from anesthesia. For anyone who’s never had surgery, affects range from nausea to coldness to sleepiness to Total Crap.

Incisions and Types of Surgery

There are of course the two main distinctions most people know: key-hole and double incision. What many don’t know is there are vast differences in surgeons’ styles when it comes to these. I’ve seen double incisions shaped like

smiles

a straight line across the chest

two straight lines

two slightly curved lines

incisions that meet in the middle (as mine did, but only to avoid “dog ears”)

incisions that follow the pectoral muscle

This doesn’t even include botched stitching

If you can, ask to see pictures. They may or may not be allowed to show you; if they have a prior patient’s permission, they can.

Just to cover my bases: key-hole is a small incision made near the nipple which can only really be done for those with small breasts (A cups or smaller ((apparently there are smaller ones???))). 

I still recommend double incision, because you have better results and are less likely to have excess skin. The only drawback is the scarring but I believe it’s worth it.

Pain and Pain Management

Typically, from my understanding, top surgeries are outpatient surgeries if you have to travel to get to your surgeon. 

This is cause they want you numb while you’re travelling back home. 

Of course, I’m speaking as someone from Sacramento who had to travel to San Francisco to see a top surgeon so of course you should check with your surgeon about these specifics.

You’ll get prescription meds. If you stay within the guidelines set for you on the dosage label, you won’t get addicted, so don’t put yourself through pain just cause you’re scared of addiction, trust me.  

It is completely possible and probable for you to swell if you don’t have drains. 

Your chest will feel swollen, maybe spongey ((BUT STOP TOUCHING IT)) and that’s normal. 

If the skin feels heated, you get a fever, you have a hard time breathing, it’s tender to the touch (more than it should be), or makes liquid sounds, CALL YOUR SURGEON/RN.

For me, it was like this:

The first day wasn’t too bad, neither was the second day. The third and fourth hurt the worst, but the pain you feel after the first check-up is different and worse. 

You get the gauze taken off your nipples, whatever compression device they have you use is taken off for the first time and you’re moving skin for the first time in at least a week. It hurts. 

It goes from “bad bruise” pain to “oh shit my chest was cut” pain. If you’ve got a little meat on your bones and your skin tends to fold a little, that can cause irritation too. It sucks.

After about Week 2, you can switch from prescription meds to Tylenol, but not Ibuprofen just to be safe.

Surgery Aftercare

Range of Motion:

They’ll tell you not to raise your hands above your head. 

They’ll say no heavy lifting or working out. 

You absolutely cannot use your arms to sit up. 

You should not go your full reach without doctor approval. 

Try to avoid reaching out to the side or behind you. 

Bending over is also something you wanna avoid cause as your midsection bunches up it can rub/crease your incisions and that hurts.

Ideal Outfit/Clothes:

Honestly if you can avoid wearing anything but underwear and the compression garment, go for it. 

If you can’t, button-ups or tank tops with big arm holes are your best friend. 

For the first few days at least have someone else help you dress. 

I’d suggest loose, non-button/zipper pants such as sweats or gym shorts.

 No shoes with laces/velcro since you can’t bend over - sandals/flipflops are best.

Medications:

As mentioned earlier, you’ll be given prescription pain meds. Take them as prescribed and you’ll be fine. 

If you feel any of the negative side effects like hives or fever or nausea, absolutely stop taking them and contact your doctor. 

You’ll also likely be given antibiotics to prevent infection. Take ALL OF THEM, as prescribed. 

Depending on how you react to anesthesia and who your surgeon is, you may also be given stool softener. 

Bottom line: take ALL of your meds AS DIRECTED. These people know what they’re doing.

If you’re doing everything safe and nothing has set you back, typically you’re good to drive around 3 weeks after, workout lightly about 4 or 5 weeks after, and everything else about 6-8 weeks after.

*****This post was made from things I have learned and my own current experience. If I haven’t mentioned something it’s because I don’t know about it and I’d prefer you have to find information elsewhere than risk spreading false information******

[jmcfarlane]

DRONE3

DRONe3

.<0_O> — — µ — <_<)))) DRONe³ And other Poems and writings by James McFarlane Telepath/Necromancer James McFarlane·Friday, May 18, 2018 . Telepath may 2018 Pencil sharp, smoke a dart early morning engines start Crescent moon blue grass tunes frost on the window and my spoon. Dopamine and serotonin, pain relief telepath droning, a walk of life, on a limb buds froze until the dawn of spring. Train passing dread grasses, Sage burning sky lasting, electric currents flowing now, necromancer up and down, Dopamine and serotonin pain relief telepath droning, a walk of life on a limb buds froze until the dawn of spring. -Seumas Necromancer May 2018 Floating wearily but in some comfort overhead. Making sheets move on my bed. Conversations in and out, speaking without our mouths. Blue fires light up your darkness please don’t ever find me as heartless I love you always one two three here’s the bass now jam with me Exhale eternally into the mic, angel choirs out on strike. Necromancer up and down, rein / radius across town, soon I will return with thee to this town/life Ville/vie. –Seumas (New Revisions) James McFarlane +Seamus to thee, from my effort unsatisfied underground nothingdrones, its letting go and walking away from it to choose to lose, this is therapy now I need to go, you know it and I got the show on the road I’mtired and now am holding a rose, I’m loosing my grip on the following code DRONe -Seumas (James) Monday, February 22, 2016 OK thisone’s right off the wall: this is a strangely written and personal poem It’scalled “Siren heart Drone” (meant for a mature audience) A’ hem…. I’m nervous, I don’t freestyle often I wish there was a way to put this near the bottom of my timeline, it’ll be my latest and greatest lyric though, + POSETIVE INDUCTION — The positive attraction to your conductive psyche, is a form in itself existing in me, subjective almost ironically, the circuitry, being both electricity and imaginary cranked up high by your fun chemistry by way of the cerebral. (Which is flattering me) The circuitry with chemistry minus proximity, (causing a reaction deliberately) the electrical frequencies that you received from me were; artsy descriptions in accents I read. Other elements of me manifesting masculinity through my dorky frequency, gave off feedback that, officially; for me heralded the dawn of freed energy. So… metaphysical seed, dropped and sewn that day, (I guess what I am trying to say is): My girl my girl, don’t lie to me, oceans away your eyes can see, my bending sending light like this, in response to; the drone from your white laced lips. For the of lack of your treble and charge of your base, my “methadone”, White Light/White Heat, can take its place, anti-acidic mantra chi, surrounding me, a black dot in space. Divided by the curve encased, the metaphysical takes place. The fact that we’re in touch today, makes sirens blare and drones play, I’ll send this over right away, and then appropriately play, ‘beautiful face’ a newer way, I could elaborate for 3 straight days. Now what follows is what’s next on the fret board of your hex. It’s between, us; a fish out of net. So this will be all they get. ok here goes, ya, this is for the ladies in town I know that sounds weak but I blame the moons energy for you cute young women never being around when I finally spit the rhyme on solid ground, neway this is about you, you and the town where I choose, and choose to settle down instead of just stop swimming and drown, no more worries, no frowns, I’m gunna work it on out, cause I’m bound for the tides, not the sound, yea, ok, you know what I mean, yea k here I go, you ready? You steady? I stole the crown from the underground, I thought it would look nice with your gown, I’m upward bound so, are you down with my verbs and nouns? I don’t freestyle rap but this might as well be,flowin literally right now cause i come down hard with a sound that this new town including your highness have minds to breakdown, so get down breakdown, my chic mystique-psychologique will make you turn around and blush while your current boyfriends drunk on the ground cause he substitutes love with down, he doesn’t have an ear, genetically, to hear your siren sound for which I was born to kinetically harmonize, desensitize and heal your weary eyes. This is the treatment we need now ill even show you how, like a bow that goes up and down, helping us resonate these bloody strings, while the clipper ship sinks…… Sinks with the low tide.c’mon lets head home. The moons making my fire rise. That means soon it will be high tide, the ocean spray it stings my eyes, so let’s go inside, its morning time, look at color in the sky the sun is just about to rise. MY clipper ship’s on seas of rye. Empty bottles of scotch catch her in the eye. I’m not afraid of all those guys, they’re lucky they even have a sty. I’ve seen farms that would make you cry. These pale blue eyes are all but mine. And yours are like that brand of dye, that in our last summer together, we ALL tried, permanent like the purple in my mind’s eye or the in the dimly lit sky the night I officially died, all from a med, instead of one I took 10, benzodiazepines, all I wanted to do was compound the prescribed effect at the right dose they make a nervous wreck feel and appear normal so I took them, now I’m in debt, but only tried this cause u have me in check, ready to knock the crown off my head, make it your golden cauldron instead. You know I’m good with shocking steel and know how to forge blend anneal so this golden crown is probably real, and I assure u from the other room that it’s safe to use took a meal. Only cause it’s my deal I leave out the part about removing toxic alloys by melting steel, adding chemicals from the field and as the method never revealed used those same chemicals, that we all feel, all the time in our head to make tiny slow moving particles to turn make gold out of lead. So neways with confidence I said GO AHEAD! But I couldn’t lie to her, so I yelled from the other room, “u should know, that thing is gold but it use to be lead. She laughed, hesitated, placed the pewter cauldron on the stove instead and put the golden crown on her head. She finally walked down the hall and into her room where I was using dust pan and broom, she didn’t say nething, just got up on her bed which was shrouded with purple threads forgetting her glasses, still she picked up my book and read, I said here ill read aloud for you instead, within a few minutes of reading she started to turn red, the stove was on low so she got herself fed THAN served us both breakfast in bed. SUDDENLY I awake and see that we are parked at the end of a pier in some town in Quebec, I yell out stupidly from my stuper, WERE ON A PIER! She had good laugh about that occurrence on several occasions. but ya I took too many pills and was all sleepy on our road trip, all in all, yet again, I fed my head then lost all my cred, it being an accident, it made me sleep like the dead, that’s when I lost you, or you lost me, literally you looked everywhere and couldn’t find me, conscious or not, id soon figure id been stung by the bee, the most painful thing however, and my only memory was later that night when you were beside me, or was it he that got there before me, ok now I must stop and back up, the cheap words pouring from me, telling the details of this pathetic story it’s pissing me off, like losing the love of your life to a drug, and then officially to drugs plural, like 5 years of fucking up pretty much following this one night, the moment you realized you had lost the one girl, the one you compare every girlfriend you get ultimately fucking that up too, the one. its caused ache in whets left of my drug affected love starved blackened heart and caused my excellent poem to go right off the rails, so I’ll get on topic and ill even do it in rhyme, what inspires me to try to try, it’s the ache in my heart that is its key function now when I think of this girl and am reminded of the moment I lost her. ok here goes, regardless, we were in bed together, and from your sleepy head where your soul lies and you can never die, I heard your memories cry, and as I realized all the days I tried so hard to try but wouldn’t, couldn’t try and now I can’t cry is because I was always too shy in your unfulfilled eyes despite being my inspiration for the last 4 or 5 years of drugs and art with your recent if u can even call it that separation the focus intensifies about u and other girls like the sweet PortugueseIrish girl from the only psych ward I recommend at hotel diu in Kingston where I was actually treated properly (maybe cause it’s a catholic hospital, maybe cause I was so fucked up I appeared catatonic for days till this fox brought me down and romanced me for a month) she’s your competition….who contributed to my psychological cardiomyopathy however, a number of “the ones” but evenbefore that I was fucked up, I was the youngest psychiatric patient in Ontario or something, I learned how to smoke inside a smoking room in the shithole Scarborough grace when I was fifteen, I think I checked myself in hen I was twelve just to get away, that may have been what that asshole head of psychiatry was talking about. I also hit the highest highs, and the most demonic abysses of suicidal advanced psychotic depression, and took more abuse for it from nurses drs and the police, not to mention my family, but I still unconditionally love and am loved by my parents and grandparents, Jesus, I sacrificed my life and goals to save my families souls literally offed myself when I was 16 years old to end the devils elaborate foothold on me the people around the household appliances and machines, the behavior of living things the weather and the temperature of the room depending on my tortured state the only common theme is that others hurt and share it with me and my empathy kind of bounces back like an echo, I express and receive the grief while later, I only know this because when I fall, which I don’t do nemore thanks to medical science, its all about them.. but now this, she cried in her sleep and the only difference about these tears the ones that dried before her, is that the tears were for the two of us,not for being hurt but for me getting hurt and that hurt her, and it came out of her in a subconscious later state, kind of like me, this happened something like five years ago and it never gets old, ok , so here’s how THIS sad story goes; back to you, we were basically sleeping on the ground, I was tied up and bound, mothers little helper’s cheque bounced, I stupidly blame the devil in benzos but as of last Chinese new year I now denounce him, clonazepam is free from sin,(the cure), which I am resistant to so even though in the name of a better life I took 1/16th of an ounce I was still wide awake laying beside you, thinking only to myself about how I fucked up, it wasn’t even my own script at the time like u even need to know this it was a gift from the big Mc the tragically crip former editor in chief of legal manuscript, this bug makes the dj tick, and he made me, (sick) so (to this day I thank god for the count and amount per pill per day,,, throw your troubles away and pray that it was ok to stray from your holy bible, “psychology today”) So I was now bound for the pound, complete and total disgrace all around, from the moment u made that sound I knew our plans were going down that I would leave town, shoot smack and somehow return because YOU specifically gave the instruction to COME BACK! But things got whack I dropped out of school after taking philosophy which I passed, took drugs then relaxed let the nothing drone blare and move towards and away from the past managed to stay out of the psycho shack and somehow followed the chemical and psychological path out of the woods, fuck that was one long sidetrack, but it’s over, now, it took a year of wandering to end it but I did so…back before I initially left town your eye lids were down. I’d spent our whole friendship collectively letting you down by being ur favorite one in town and not responding in a way that could let us…. Fuck I was a clown,ever since I pulled a sigmen froid and used white to get off opiates it’s been renown but like the psychologist before me once declared, down (heroin) so satisfying in the right dose, has basically fulfilled their open ended prediction for the drugs future, in one shot like vaccine, the queen of all drugs, administered in the highest healthy dosage intravenously is the cure all found in Montreal, and then a deliberate clean cut from all non prescribed recreational narcotics, that is until the dreaded lady in white shows up on ur doorstep, I say let her in, and move away never to see her again, with the experience and satisfaction of the act of consuming heroin as your catalyst to change your life and only take clonazepam. So before all that we had a healthy friendship, it was doomed but I loved you so u kept me around and there was all sorts of ways we got down without ever fooling around except this time I discreetly describe further down when my phone ran out of batteries while you went to town , I thought I was a fuckin martyr because all id make u do is dance, that’s the gods truth so baaaack to me not being a creep, I geometrically see the opposing symmetrical verticy of our rhombus reveal its true ego as FUCKING TRAPAZOID when I hear your inner pain, I’m no hypnotist (yet) but u were zonked after a day of mosh pitting ultimately falling for the other guy, while I slept in the grass like an ASS. you let out a whimper in your sleep and two out of three of us knew, this chick is deep, from then on I took the title of weak, I had let my biological ancestors down with swords in their hands and in my hand your crown, and still I let you down, AND YOU STILL even tried several sexy and awkward times to make it happen and I let you down, u can tell a social disease when the same set of words are used multiple times to rhyme with other words that have that sound i.e. : I let you down. In that strange little town. It’s been well over a year and to end on a harmonious note after all this purple melancholy. I’m gunna say two words to you and they are not” “I do” It’sI’m sorry. I’m sorry lately for this poem, but mostly I’m sorry for not maturing into the man you thought I could be. I’m recovered from my early episodes now, took 16 years but I used the gear to properly hear and respond without fear, if only I did this within the time frame we had, Now were both sad. And I don’t wanna upset u, ur glowie or ur boyfriend or neone else, soo I’m gunna play a song, it’s called : one thing that keeps this black heart beating””(referring to my heart: that “upturned bass drum” The thing that keeps it beating is the dissonant and strangely beautiful siren song that echoes in my mind as the inspiration, “love” and the knowledge that one can be loved and in my case always, I only philosophies with the partial use of solid evidence that I have been loved by the one I love therefore at and for that moment(pretty much after the momentmy phone died, after 30 seconds of reading trainpotting aloud, there was a subconscious subjective foggy notion that was there to be discovered by the psyche, at this moment I can prove using circumstantial evidence and truth know by both partied involved, the dependant factor being me loving her forever, and the independent factor her being a single indecisive woman looking for a man who will love her forever combining to make a positive chemical and physical reaction, that is the fundamental tradition that is the goal of all living things on this plant and its most evolutionary form of it is when it’s “Love based” one giving the other what its most in need of and deprived of, the others love, not the love of a friend, but physical experiments that are love based, expressing love on not necessarily a physical level (like if ur on the phone or sumthing)but specifically a sexual level. The compounding factors that result in reactions happenings crescendos babies,, are when the energy isn’t circular but moves in one direction, when the one party is starved, and the other has a wealth, and the act of giving not just what the yearning needs, but what he wants, when the desired with all her wealth, imparts her secret harbored denied expression love though tradional reproduction based activities, that friendship goes from “limbo” into action, even for a moment, through technology that alerts the senses, in this case hearing, whether the deprived is even present or physically participating, isn’t the point the point is that the foggy notion of true love was expressed transmitted in a traditional and pivotal form, even though I picked up the transmission through one sense, my ability to hear, the value of those vibrations, though lo-fi and misinterpreted until the last few seconds before the line went dead the compounding nature of the universe is seen between you and me, me and the chemicals and elements the acid the love that is positively charged by me and only me, in this battery regardless of proximity my charge is still the key, literally loving you moved energy directly making me alternately free but obviously reflects its imperfections symmetrically and quite similarly to your perfect face and body only introspectively and this thing I call negativity you existentially use to control and manipulate me by means of electrical currents like a shark in the sea, but the ocean currents in our world somehow moved me so far we couldn’t be but as the drone turns up the heat as chemists cure insanity, inevitably the duality of the friendship followed the trail right back to me, from the beach into the city, while metaphysical acid rain fell on her black umbrella, drops of synthetic nightshade provided a ground and a side effect equaled a perfectly balanced sound resembling a circuit around my neck and down to the nervous wreck, I stand and smoke out on the deck, and remember that was how we met I stop, wait my energies charge self provides, enough energy to survive, with my new social activity the acid, charge, size, speed and proximity and the voltage of the current and relativity. My positively charged abilities that betray the moon like your fertility, a simple circuit can’t explain the lovesick emotional pain still forming drops of acid rain only strengthening my brain, its time I have to get reactive, send this to her radically brilliant highly attractive yet negatively charged mind where chemicals of another kind will get inspired as she reads about batteries and his energy (that she secretly lovingly keeps rightfully under her locks and key with her sharp mind and memory should recall the flattery, the almost dead battery, poetic license and mad hattery finally gets me through the matter we, lost all sense of pattern, see, the point was electricity, and keyboards I would never see, played like a former prodigy, with drones that resonate with me just barely metaphysically, through my sleep deprived behavior induced heightened state, I’ve always been able to wait, epiphanies sometimes come too late, but revelations give me faith that your negative mind and my positive state, memories of how u altered fate, I know threes more to come but wait, don’t get offended by my state , my batteries dead so save the date, remember wiser things I’ve depictions finished in your head, an electrician would have briefly said, what took me hours, in ten minutes u will have read, I must finish without my meds, they knock me out, blow to the head, I’ll miss away you time instead, that lilliad inside your mind….it’s way too late you’re so unkind, but one important thing u need, to know I know u love to read, do not read too much to your seed, it makes a flower yer indeed, with pain killing power guaranteed, but this makes a subconscious need to find a source for output feed, destined to be completely freed ad finally have the urge to read, its therapy apparently, the experiment of reading aloud and they drift off on angels clouds, you think their gunna make you proud, well brace yourself, speakers are loud, they developed and were well endowed, language and its mystic power it not to be strewn on the flowers, this is my dependant variable, the words the use on me were terrible, a bird a seed knowledge unbearable, though every word is understandable, hypnotic methods subconscious dependable, lovely developmental psychology is the cause of my constant source of energy what I was born to do was reap, infinite knowledge in my sleep a steady drone of literature, I’m older now administer reality and life in place of shame rejection and disgrace, aside from my abilities that serve me independently, instinct survival evolution, speed all factors meant to help me breed, but would you read that to your seed, your surly growing potent weed, I’m not a normal human being I spend time speaking hearing seeing, proving while your disagreeing now the sheep are all fleeing, my purpose hear is slowly weaning I’m a negative source of positive energy, that means nothing drones glowies and friends that are enemies, all that I needs a path and an receiver, a sound to ride on, subwoofer and tweeters, it’s the music u shared with me that keeps me going The proof that our signal reached desired objectives, was clear to my ear which contained an elective, my minds using psychology to be less selective, behavioral science removes the block painlessly love, loss and malpractice grew my circuitry aimlessly, evolving survival instincts team with nature, my chemical background makes life like a phase, the instincts resulting are acute like a razor and amplified abilities through manipulating manipulative chemicals without wavers, resulting in behavior that can reach and amaze her… the extent of the damage is to be overlooked, by using knowledge and memory or reading a book design and time weren’t key features its transference of whines from student to teacher, let me out of detention you feminine creature ill read aloud it’s the right way to reach her, the demand and supply was shot at the sky and with lasers for eyes that reflect off her kind I was surprised to find that in no time I heard her wine, go out of her mind, and through her elective design I read junkie sublime and the fidelity was just fine for my desensitized mind. Literally proving her love up against my undying lazerlove therefore, proving that from that moment in time It was (now literally) one(the one) and another(me) falling “in love “officially identified by the subjective and objective forms that equal true love, for a time, which in rhyme and time I now feel it was divine, it’s began and ended in one harmonious line (in a Scottish accent no less) and buried in our minds getting weaker over time the signal is dying the whine and her trying has kept me flying farther away for lack of a sign that she was officially mine, but my nose it did grind on the stone learning life through the drone all on my own stealing crowns off of thrones, almost completely destroying my home, getting dipped in chrome, and then ground to the bone,, but that’s ok now because I how I know, I made her come through a phone, I’ve reaped what id sewn, now I am grown, with skills to hone no more wearing a cone, from the unknown to the known heralded by the morningdrone which is an inaudible tone interacting metaphysical rods and cones in my everlasting home among milestones made of greymatter behind bone in the form of the intangible moan that has royalties owned by the one xylophone a tone so foreign and feminine it may be that of a banshee or crone, the soil of my subconscious, is where I’ve been instructed and shown but my chance was blown there already something growin that knows the suns light is shown, now I’m alone, why did I buy that bus ticket when I could have flown. Another way of iterating this love story is an s follows introduction, obstruction instruction, induction, seduction production reduction destruction I’m trying to link two portions of this production, causing a reaction like a light turning on send notification from yin to yang (2 great friends of the opposite sex ultimately consummating their union in the way nature wanted it to be) but for us it was highly evolved in that even over the lo-fi filter of cell phones she was sending her love, whether she got off or not that id like ton know, but,, I got the drone of her during, (which if I’m not wrong is typically the main attraction for most women, their anatomy makes for a better “during” in her case conveniently, I’ll admit, without my flawed physical presence, I’m sure she didn’t just give up when my phone ran out of batteries, she was by the banks of her own lagoon, , the stimuli for me, the understanding an witnessing this correlative reaction, correlative because based on all the evidence, the great friendship which was WE were In Love,,,, that passes by my standard and I’m a philosophy grad, this Idea of me and this one girl being in love ISNT EVEN PRAGMATIC like most of my theories, the ONLY thing that get in the way of it being classified as nething between us other than, well I’m afraid to word it frankly because it makes y philosophy look dumb, the only factor threatening this TRUTH, this explainable objective form, is.. the time frame, the setting and the timing of the whole ordeal, my argument is that my reserved intense devotion that was pretty much spellbound, was appropriately (although delicately and let’s say modernly)relieved back to square one, literally and true even though it’s in the days ahead, metaphysic means dead.\\ I’m pretty lonely, so I make allot of art these days, like so; since she left me for dead and we both had left town, with thoughts of her crying asleep on the ground, my mind plays a drone, just to keep the pain down, it’s the girls very essence, oh to hear those pipes sound, if I was there this reel could have burned her house down, But our minds were both trying, Scottish lyrics I had, her bagpipes were sighing, and droning like mad, even though I was dying to get under her plaid, her fingers were flying and the lyrics were “rad the sound of her drones blared through the aero phones, I had broken a string and the bow had no rozen, but her body remembered what she had forgotten, string breaking caused her heat up and harden, this dissonant silence was her chance to depart from his flaws and his jigs and his odds and his rigs and ivy wrapped wand honey drippin upon this Venus in tartan who gushed forth the art of his masculine heart, the yin joins the yang and d string goes twang, The key that she played in was the string that I broke;I awoke in a doria mile off the coast. I swear by the sword of Ulysses and QueenMary’s crown you can’t quiet this siren when she fools around. Sending me to the moon and abyss on her sound It’s siren heart drone and that’s written in stone like I said, STELLAR, and you can TELLHER, most likely shell be a be a BETTER SPELLER, most likely ull say THE WORST THING EVER cause you’re a BULLSHIT SELLER, wave got mutual friends that FLOCK TOGETHER, social cannibals up shit creek FOREVER “sharp fanged teeth sheep” identified by Brethr in touch with friends of mine with FEATHERS, who govern karma AND THE WEATHER harmonizing OUR ENDEVOUR dissonance and TAKING PLEASURE in currents charged “+”, sea vessel PROPELLERS droning on for OH SWEET NEVER, nothing “like” inevitably BETTER the next “day, mon” frère, myself sharply dressed, a new pair of ‘GO GETTERS’ high, but fly, “the local YELLER” inscribes, as I dictate the true, (and prescribed), (in “”blood)-”LETER”! …BUY LETTER!”technique””’s psychology thesis of persuasion,-through love cure for; pain from shame stemming from taking the blame for the psychopaths that are perfectly sane who corporally, “embodying hells flames, wicked games to derange, the use of tools to cause pain, so the hands free to gain more control without shame ….and words that confuse and lead them in. vein cutting through lies and psychosomatic pain” making it rain your blood to put out the flames, an empty vessel that openly claims he righteously bears the right to OFFSET karma in his favorite time double negatives stuck on rewind with the fist or the tool of thing without mind, just current flowing into itself sustaining itself by shackling you with a voice that speaks truths that the vessel and devil greedily use to ultimately abduct you consume love your subconscious would refuse to give, to lose, so you wind kicking yourself while he rips on your soul defacing and displacing what’s left of you, what set you apart from a caved in shoe who’s uneven because the others got two, souls are unbreakable but if he breaks you, ill have the words the voice and the truth, the vessel in which to put soul into you, love and affection reflecting on you a new pair of shoes and so basically you feeling loved and in good mood no longer producing that parasite food, by walking and talking, souls in your shoes, while my bare feet support prescribed truth, a chemical network of mes and you ultimately held together with glue your love is the only way I can get through my psychological problems of which I have used to heat cook and serve us both food they drive me to supplementing love with miscues, attempts to draw a good picture of shoes, that drawn the attention of someone like you, or someone who offers a love I can’t refuse, because it me who also has many a bruise, the glue the chemical I trust and I use are prescribed and administered with bruit force and tools, leaving the chemically gifted unloved and unused and undone on the run with the songs you have sung, giving u satisfaction, and leaving u hung out to dry by the sick and the dumb, and the one, that u can give a gift to, is the only way we can say I love you and the fact that we are is what makes it true now I can scrape this shit right off your shoe, here goes, gimme my cloths my cigarettes prescribed glue, a roof over my head a bed and you, and then maybe I’ll start wearing shoes, here’s my complex singing the blues, from my effort unsatisfied underground nothingdrones too, its letting go and walking away from it to choose to lose, this is therapy now I need to go, you know it and I got the show on the road I’mtired and now am holding a rose, I’m loosing my grip on the following code,I’ll let the field talke care I m old, its time to end thiflodi broke the mouldand me with my everything about the shoe, its maker your sou out your soul leaving with bound by psychosocial with day moon SETTERS. home made psychopath GET ER, and lose her to a knitted SWEATER meant to the and if shit hits the fan in my house you become a fuckin CAVE DWELLER you officially for me heralded the dawn of freed energy so metaphysical seed dropped and sewn that day I guess what I a tying to say is seroquel can kill the day and lithium when charged can phase can kill your kidney and your craze over sirens who’ve been underground their perfect face and al around static in the air and sound of talismans and something foud induction tells you write this down what she conducts may flood the town, and this guythatts on the other line isn’t he a project of mine, sais nurse so cute and fine that flirt with my bipolar mind could his stimuli be cut, (if my nurse heard that shed bust my nut the think I’m guna get more worse nuclear winters parallel universe but bipolar ppls irony ill crack the joke an ice your nuclear explosion twice a day while I’m away leading weak dicks astray but giving your negative drones away the moans that I’m familiar with the point is I’m sick, was born with antennae metaphic that can even change channels like sappic girl on girl to girl on me altering duality and that what I get for free cable metaphysically so u better charge your battery, start the car pray she needs a guy with speed, instead of the duality of loving and love being received define love for me because lm low on batteries, finally the irony iron like steel I’m not even funny she gave me a drone that carried me home plate metal armor still that suckers dethroned all because of the ironic poem guaranteed to call my home circuitry and sacred tones, hooked up to my broke dying alone charge that she hears in my voice instinct are what’s the driving force to be my Venus in furs of course striking my eardrums while art of a new form could cure my heart, when deprivation and avant-garde combine to make things into art the the thing that makes drones stop and start my wordsandfingers take a form that independently grows horns, what an art to harmonize your frequencies with, smart, you dirty little butter tart you were supposed to cure my heart at least u got it throughtome you rising storm makes my anteenae start to channel lo-fi forms a and v imnow starting to clearly see I got to hear pure femininity express its love physically, while the ironic truth is easy to see, that my talisman masxulinity had no hand in physically and so my strengths like mediocrity, thisescwe took a short boat that sent out a masculine frequency that was enough to ride that came through the airwaves only a dined, to start your engines, and the elements it’s the charge that ironically subjectively means of a whim of a, separating you from me and that despite ur reaction objective by only induction by the ma lonely ur still a part of me, like the wasted energy of a missing battery that from within bears a charge, that was meant to be, the high voltage current, of hot energy. wat a grT TRIP THIS IS, ALTHOUGH ONG AND UNCOMFORTABLE AT LES I STILL HAVE ROCK AND ROLL AND BY DIVINE TIMING WE TOO A STROLL ADNTALKED A LITTLE THATS MY GOAL AND NOTHING DRONES AND HEAVY STONES WERE LEVITATED WITH THE MOAN OF SIRENSS BUT YOUR NOT A PHONE AND NO SUPRIZE CANT LEAVE ALONE OW I THRIV OFF DIAL TONED CAUSE IM DEPENDANT ON YOU STONE THE TALISMAN YOU CALL MY HHOME AND THAT TIE YOU CALLED ME ON THE PHON YOU WERE IN MY HEAD SAFE IN YOUR HOME BAD TIMING AND A HEAVY TONE BATTERIES DEAD: NOW WERE NOTHING DRONES…………………………………………………………….. thisescwe took a short boat that sent out a masculin frequency that was enough toride that came through the airwaves only a denied, to start your engines, and the elements it’s the charge that ironically subjective by means of a whim of a, separating you from me and that despite urreaction objective by only induction by the ma lonely Seroquel can ‘kill. The day’, and lithium (when charged) can phase, can kill your kidneys and your ‘“crazy” laser ray’s perspective.’ Meant for sirens, waves, underground stalactites, space, and drops of acid rain onto your base. Meant to cauterize with time and phase the straight; your sex, the Vikings take, and that edge they use to reap and waste. ((their secret way through; to slice through the glazed over passageway, that freezes waves of blood they made. Turned to crimson ice seen by my red hot rays, melt into salty ocean sprays) Then not so far away at night I kill the day and reap twilight, my heat turns from red to white like scars that weep acid rain despite my efforts, however insane, you do this over and over again) Relief; from emotional THEN/BY physical pain. In that order, we’re both deranged. here goes, gimme my cloths my cigarettes prescribed glue, a roof over my head a bed and you, and then maybe I’ll start wearing shoes, here’s my complex singin the blues, from my effort unsatisfied underground nothingdrones, its letting go and walking away from it to choose to lose, this is therapy now I need to go, you know it and I got the show on the road I’m tired and now am holding a rose, I’m loosing my grip on the following code, It’s meant for: a couple; of different: ppl 1 knø james ((pérsunµli); ‘(urThInKn èù¹d “Like¹¹ i+ Th0µGh))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ) — ¹o-² øس=FOUR!!!!!!!!²O_O³⁴!! (0_0)T0o?O_o)❤µ¼FOR¼ldd.”( þ+¹na!’(LOL!)?,X&Y” =ø(þ iN þÉd àvèç¹<>³µ)/(µø+þ²)ùþ³@ — ¹²³¹²³¹²³¹²³ James McFarlane• Ideas About mental Illness — James McFarlane Here’s my theory on paranoia. (Usually considered a negative symptom of psychosis) It can help gather information or misinform those who experience it. Even in wellness it is always potentially present in all of us. It’s a survival instinct. It makes us more attentive. My unique experience and understanding is when paranoia and other symptoms are present, heightened and amplified alertness to important information perceived by the senses is collected and whatever data is missing the brain either fills it in with logical thought or logical hallucination in some cases. I will further iterate this several ways for you to better grasp it. For most people there is so much excess data you wind up believing a falsity. Simple logic should let you know best which is most accurate among the extra data collected by suspicion, inner thoughts and hallucination ultimately fitting like Lego into the fractured “factual” data perceived. I believe mostly it is our internal sense of logic that is used to make hallucinations like dreams that appear similar to our regular reality. It is your sense of logic that determines how accurate the thought or hallucination might be compared to reality. It is hard to determine between reality and hallucination because hallucination adheres to reality. But if you can detect like in a lucid dream (aware of being in a dream) that it’s a hallucination you’re ok. It’s not that difficult to determine what thought or hallucination fits if you’re experiencing (or expecting) allot of symptoms having an automatic thought process that simplifies things by showing the most accurate possibility alone to the individual by involuntary thoughts and possibly hallucination. This can be a more accurate depiction of what’s not reachable by the actual senses. The point or idea is that hallucinations and involuntary thoughts mimic reality as best they can, so, they can be used to determine what is beyond our senses reach either corresponding with the senses themselves (hallucination) or through mind talk (which is the method that most mimics what we call telepathy and is much more controlled and has less effect on your behaviour and environment than hallucination). This mind talk or “intrusive thoughts” can be our sense of logic. It’s our sense of what’s real that makes up our involuntary thoughts and hallucinations so they’re may be an ounce or two of truth in them even though they aren’t real they can be identical ideas to what is really there. This is to be used for those who can’t see or hear what are out of reach of their senses like sonar or radar and further aid those who have and impairment or just want to experiment with extending their senses. This only applies to the unwell. Like I have said amphetamine could mimic the hypomanic state in regular people perhaps. This could be a tool for treating a range of mental disorders. Depression, lack of communication in certain critical mental conditions.(Alzheimer’s etc.) It’s not just guessing at involuntary thoughts and hallucinations, the tool combines accurate and distorted data collected by the senses. This extends the senses that help us try to understand. (Only some of us may have this as a mental pattern). You may be calling this a delusion well I call a delusion an idea. And remember, an idea can make the body including the brain do interesting things. Mono ideo dynamics Determining what’s real and what’s not isn’t a problem here, you know what’s a thought and an actual sound or hallucination when this is occurring so if they combine to make a more accurate awareness with good results than it doesn’t matter whether it’ telepathy or a mental tool isolated to the mind its generating data for the individual I assure you. Collecting data even from other people’s minds is definitely a factor in this theory (it’s a tangent but it’s important.) Involuntary thought is inner thought that appears to be info coming from an obvious source or other person. This is when the argument for delusion is most appropriate. Telepathy is a possible conclusion in the case of mind chatter or involuntary or external thoughts unlike ‘sense extension’ which is a potential tool involving similar aspects but also the actual environment. The mind to mind thing doesn’t involve physical reality like the sense extension theory which involves hearing and assuming all five senses if you were sick enough could improve the perception of our environment by way of hallucination corresponding with the senses, verses logical lingual additions to your line of thought (involuntary thoughts) which can be thought alone (mind talk) This opens a window to hybrid hearing combining involuntary thought with semi audible data, this was my first discovery and personal experience along the line of useful mental activity. So I would call it all external or involuntary mental data. The reason I included the telepathy as idea in this was because sense extension which may be provable is using the same material our thoughts are made of suggesting that the other ideas are worth experimenting with. I suggest mental information can be projected into the metaphysical reality affectively by a person just like shouting a person’s name. This is blatantly how it works from my perspective. What we imagine goes out into the air and some of us are there to hear it within our thoughts; mind chatter. Talking to yourself in your head as well as other transmissions or incoming additions. Not something we do all the time. Some people rarely do it or experience it. These are introspective expressions nevertheless they are the fabric of what sense extension involves. So if sense extension, (because it uses the senses, reality and hallucination/involuntary thought) can be tested and valuable info is collected from those tests, because of its use of involuntary thoughts which mimics telepathy, it could help prove or add merit to the idea of telepathy and its other explanations that are as follows. Proving telepathy involves seeing how things like sense extension is in the same weave as actual things we use or experience like thought, mental chatter, hallucination, dreams. This part of the universe is becoming objective when using a hybrid or functional form to better understand our surroundings. Just believing in these functions and experiencing them improves your regular perception and observational skills. These are hybrid metaphysical tools for perceiving your surroundings by use of hallucination and or thought and actual fractured data picked up by the senses. I tackle this mind chatter idea more so because it’s a solid symptom that doesn’t fail, like hallucination often does. Thoughts in the form of language coming from people around you or your multipersonalitied conscience is a good thing as long as it’s a good thing. When it no longer is in the range of being able to be used as a tool, these thoughts can be turned off or turned on by meds and belief or disbelief in the idea. But when it’s happening properly, like in hypomania, it does act as an aid in awareness of what’s most likely going on in other people’s thoughts. It informs you of the most likely thought usually in relation to you, aiding you every time by making you aware of something you didn’t know before. Word for word telepathy is a miracle, mental chatter that informs you of what’s most accurately going on in other people’s heads by way of involuntary lingual statements in the mind is not. It’s worth investigating, it’s a gift that has never led me to harm, only understanding. The fact that it’s in your head makes it a passive process where you have the option of responding or not, verbally or mentally if you’re a believer in telepathy. You can have communications, often in the form of mental lingual impressions from people around you, as long as their chattering in their heads. More often they respond verbally or through body language. (This could be also called a thought related delusion, and it probably is) Like sense extension it helps figure out without effort what’s most likely going on somewhere else but this involves getting a mental impression of what’s going on in someone else’s head and apparently only if It’s about you or directed to you, mostly. Telepathy and sense extension go hand in hand. What’s real and usable and what’s a symptom may need to be looked over and not just thrown in the isolation chamber. Mind chatter and thought insertion are two different things I think. Thought insertion means you think someone or something else is in your head and it is overwhelming. Mind chatter or “telepathy” follows a pattern of logic that is more precise than your own usually, it follows a rule, I am certain of it. That’s why it’s better to use cause it’s your intuition delivered lingualy. Thought insertion is like having someone else in control, whereas mind chatter is somewhat under control and mostly in your control as you are the experienced one. Involuntary thoughts (other people’s voices) could be telepathy and if it follows such a dynamic and structured law it should not be called thought insertion. Sense extension is something more practical and objective than telepathy type thinking, but it is untested and like I said, I deal with mind talk even when I am well and it is always accurate and helpful. The idea of partly using data from the peripheries of our trusted senses shows that these elements are not to be underrated or mislabelled. The fact that we can only see farther stars in the sky by looking off to the side is a great example of use of the peripheries of our senses. Similar is my experience of seeing peoples more true emotions on their faces when using peripheral vision. Is esp or just one example of a passive and informative hallucination? Let us not throw aside my interpretation of the experience of useful and unique mental activity by giving it the unattractive label of thought insertion when the fundamentals of these ideas may be useful for inventing evolution like tools to reach out into parts of the universe we have not yet studied. Distorted senses combined with an inherent logical thought process that is accurate if not pragmatic I my experience in every case. This could be an opportunity to reopen the study of parapsychology. (The fact that these are just an accurate perception mechanism is good enough). To reveal this delusion, we’ll assume all this is still only going on in one’s active imagination. However using a pattern of brain activity that mimics telepathy as a tool to read his/her environment better is cool; the only difference this has to sense extension is that there is no real life data involved. This in my opinion makes it the most commonly used and confronted with, solid, and most effective tool I deal with. (even when well) There are practices like muscle reading which is getting data through seeing a person’s movement that are examples of a semi proven method that mimic things like telepathy. I propose mental activities that are involuntary and positive like some of the symptoms of a mental illness, could be used as a link between what we see as dysfunctional mental activity and a breakthrough into the endeavour to prove that thoughts are part of our dynamic world as a form and can be used as a medical or social tool. This mental activity in serious cases of unwellness can alter the way we operate, not just the way we think. Paranoia could take over and it could be false data, and the repercussions could crescendo. In their reality and in reality itself. I say listening to your thoughts (whatever form they take) and interpreting them, it’s safer than experimenting with hallucination because mind chatter can be a factor in hypomania and in wellness. Only in the case of hallucination being used in a controlled environment with positive energy being present, for instance with a schizophrenic, they can be very well while hallucinations are still present. If in that state the hallucination tends follow what the senses are trying to perceive and use a situation like the sense extension experiment involving hallucination and obstructed hearing it may prove to be a good tool/idea possibly for aiding the hearing impaired in this situation or a similar situation that works. It could work because it could fill in more data where it was lacking and it may inherently be attempting to be accurate. This attempt is evident in other mental processes mentioned here. In the case of experimenting with this type of thing never should you be depressed manic, psychotic or over whelmed with psychological issues. If you are in an unwell state seek help, but be open to the new ideas that may present themselves to you. Know that the brain is elastic and does heal. The hippocampus and you are always growing. If it’s suggesting that its telepathy aiding us and guiding us that makes you sceptical I’m not going to just drop it. Be pragmatic and get a bit more insight into how it worked for me. First off, all that makes it telepathy as I’ve said is that it only involves thought. One thing that suggests that it is a thought from another source is the amount of unusable but accurate information that comes along with these seemingly incoming transmissions. It behaves like a mental environment that doesn’t involve just you; the metaphysical plain. You mostly hear in your thoughts what applies to you from those around you but there is other mental exclamations at times coming from different sources for different destinations, or in most cases mental exclamations just for themselves. Also getting an involuntary thought of apparently what is being said somewhere completely out of reach of the senses is a factor here. This is bigger than the structure of telepathy. If you are being talked about in the other room the brain informs you of it and who is saying it, this is clearly a survival instinct to gain intelligence of what may be out there and what most likely is, this type of sense may be evidently seen and utilized more by animals than humans. Probably because of the invention of language, putting the sense in recession. These ideas suggest that the metephysical plain is not just in my head but is there for everybody (and that privacy may be an issue.) The experienced and well user of the mental functions could actually receive and send out positive and effective transmissions with a ripple effect, real or not. (for what it’s worth, even to gain confidence and boost chemicals, respond and react accordingly to these transmissions and you’ll find it fits and improves your presence and role in the situation, that’s my experience) while the sick are just spiralling and not even communicating because their usually using negative or confusing behaviour or energy. What’s also evident of its existence is the obviousness the transmissions go both ways. I’m not just getting your impression of me in my thoughts; it’s obvious you’re getting mine. Its conjoint mental activity. It involves everyone but I think it requires a guide. If these are just symptoms, they rarely intensify and do dissipate more or less with wellness. I say if it’s not the metaphysical plain it’s at least explained by two minds appearing to correspond by (often coincidentally) one playing out the others activity as accurately as it can within the mind. This as a law would be evident enough to prove telepathy. I see a constant pattern in when the transmitters communicate, that they are thinking that thought and responding to one another (seen though body language and verbal responses. That’s telepathy like activity rationalised. It’s not always word for word because often I ask and they say no I did not think those words. Apparently it’s a mental impression of yourself delivered in the form of verbal thoughts or inaudible expressions from other people in the vicinity or elsewhere. Finally the hybrid hearing idea.The most effective and safe of the ideas here. (Thought and hearing mixed) It would be hard to disprove because of a lack of qualified candidates and the scenarios required. The hybrid hearing idea like I’ve said is not activity isolated only to thought, but the idea that involves using factual data and the imaginary simultaneously. Sense extension without hallucination. Deciphering between actual sense and involuntary thought is easy, you know what you hear and what you think, they become conjoint in some mental states indicating that the possibility of an extension “fill in the blacks” scenario. Know that this involves either an overactive imagination. The logical involuntary lingual thought mental activity combined with the brains attempt to hear the less audible is a marriage that could create the extension of the impaired or out of reach sense (hearing in this case) What I propose is happening here may be hearing the bass of a conversation because bass carries farther, and your mind places the other frequencies (treble) in the form of an involuntary imaginary sound. I suggest this is too intricate and accurate to be delusion. To actually be aware of the volume according to the distance or nature of the info that comes from not the unknown but an obvious source is evident of that intricacy. The psychotic skills talked about here are among the skills we’re all born with. All humans are capable of psychosis. Which is the foundation of these things. I just find mania to be safe, similar and more of an advantage. Our brains and beings all have an inner need and desire to figure out what is reality. Even when that reality is obstructed, it uses other means to get around to perceiving the world correctly. This line of thought has the potential to be a step forward in changing others view of these symptoms. To suggest that they are meant to be enhance to our advantage, not abolished; this is the stuff of change at an evolutionary level because as I said earlier it does involve everybody and anybody. The Chemically Endowed / THE HEALTH SYSTEM James McFarlane June 1st, 2016 Mania is the increasing of one’s “reward” chemicals in the brain chronically (a symptom of Bipolar). A fact about mania is that it is not so often as out of control as we are tempted to assume. We don’t know the limits it can push positive wise. A negative aspect is surely something that we have seen occasionally. An example could be a world leader like Alexander the great. On the positive side of it are people like Van Gough and many other artists, teachers and authors. Making tireless efforts at just causes inspired by epiphany is just one of the activities a bipolar individual has the option of pursuing. (Sometimes with phenomenal results) This can be a positive activity of the broad ranged individual. Mania is an abundant source of potential positive energy. The mythical Greek god Dionysus has been called the god of mania. He partied allot and was the estranged son of Zeus. There were cults formed in his honor and the remanence of them still exist today as a common and highly manipulated, manipulative tradition known as the entertainment industry. Antianxietys, antidepressants, antipsychotics and mood stabilizers; drugs that (have attributes that researchers have neglected to even identify) help and plague the bipolar individual as the most commonly used tool to ward off symptoms. In some cases, recreational drugs like amphetamine ((that seem to force up the mood of an individual) among drugs that are normally oriented with unwellness)) I suggest, could be a surprising aid in speeding up the recovery process of depression (the opposing symptom in bipolar to mania which have psychosis as a common theme at the peripheries of both poles of experience) through cognitive stimulation. This is important because antidepressants take several weeks to take effect and suicide could be prevented by the induction of a more open approach to medical uses of recreational drugs. This activity should be combined with social interaction in the case of recovery because it surrounds the recovery of the social aspects of the self (I do not recommend this as the first option for a recovery process). Like most drugs this behavior may take years off the recovery process but could wind up taking years off your life. If closely watched and tested the medicinal benefits of illegal or unreaserched drugs as well as further data released on drugs in general and their common circumstances may be a great stride in the remedy of mental, psychological conditions and social misconceptions which solutions are still being put off by ignorance of the populous and adverse political agendas. Other treatment options not listed above include electroshock therapy and psychical exercises like cognitive behavioural therapy. These alternatives are used less most likely because pharmaceuticals are a huge part of controlling the populous and funding corporations and government. However, a regimented combination of any of these factors could be a breakthrough for some. Called “consumers” by people that work in the pharmaceutical industry, these human beings endowed with seemingly new chemicular behaviors have a heavy cross to bear. I believe that it is obviously possible that over half the population (just to be fair) are born chemically inclined, but forced under the heel of the majority of the others who are from my perspective, psychologically twisted by ignorance, power over the sick, and unjustified behaviour based (((most likely (just to be fair) for some, subconsciously))) on either inherent or just blatant jealousy. I say this because the majority of people in a position of dominance in our society, (security guards, nurses, the police, doctors what have you) are brutally unfair, unprofessional, and ignorant in most cases. This attitude fuels the biggest and oldest and crudest intolerance ever committed by one group against its own people. The mentally endowed verses the psychologically twisted and everyone in between or strung along is the latest and oldest injustice I can see other than the genocide of the shamanistic cultures of north and south America. The most obviously funded sick lack of justice and care for their own counterpart (ever challenged till present day) by a government is currently at hand. It’s a matter of time and interest among corporations. Their need for money will guarantee that the proper drugs will be the end of this problem. Their survival as a business is the only co-dependent factor for the cause. Once the sick become well, ((the inevitable outcome (already achieved)) the drugs will be reinvented a few times ultimately plateauing as a renewable idea by these scientific salesman and their evil subordinates running the place like some kind of sick joke to themselves. Those who wield tools and permission to inflict pain, bondage and any form of abuse they find delectable simply to put off paperwork (and sooth their own often nocturnal boredom) only assigned to be used in the inevitable malpractice suits soon to be ensued by the just with the just against the corrupt. With blunt force and jealousy against their only threat and reliable witness to the sick twisted 24 hour a day fetish of legally and illegally taking the rights and freedoms and everything that makes life desirable from the ill to make way for a prolonged treatment of abuse and betrayal from the psychologically bent nurses and security guards, doctors, police not to forget your everyday sociopath / psychopath walking the streets and perverting the direction and attention of the staff and patients of mental health wings across the country (Canada). Folks like these who lack the basic right and wrong skills, used obviously and openly by the sick and the meek to inevitably over throw the ranks of sociopaths and psychopaths governing, misusing and perverting the writing of history. All of their efforts put into this “note taking” endeavour to be rewarded with indulgence into the sick pleasures of a dysfunctional beauracracy and political disgrace to be. As for the sick, (and well) the neglect of one’s health and deterioration of relationships is often inevitable during episodes and when being forced against such characters mentioned above. These new victims often leaving the institution with their own newly afflicted psychological scars. This is understandable considering how different and under informed the external world and the unbalanced individual usually are. The unwell individual tends to get overwhelmed with heightened and distorted perception, and the outside worlds clashes with their reality. Inevitably against their will, (usually after lots of experience) and sadly, many forms of legalized abuse from the system that seems to be above all law, they become accustomed to the system and more knowledgeable about medication. This is the only way I’ve seen someone become well, for longer. It’s important to channel the knowledge from their experience into productive endeavours. This is the exceptional goal. Chemicals are a big part of the inclined individual’s life (Pharmaceutical, natural and usually recreational). Often enough a well-balanced person emerges but the fight against unwellness and addiction is ongoing for many. Even once well, the psychological challenges of adjusting to life can set in. Thankfully this is also treatable either with anxiety medicine or therapy (or in the case of the Canadian health system, prolonged and tormenting hospital stays crudely striped with prolonged bondage and isolation chambers. Psychology being the completely unfunded and rightful alternative. Wellness comes with time and knowledge as well as trial and error. The potential experience for these individuals is more than the average prescription. Logically and philosophically looking at these problems is key to understanding them. Stigma; it’s a thing like racism that is rampant in every culture today but especially in western culture apparently. A mild example of stigma is using a negative label or misconception such as “split personality” or “psycho”. These are words attached to now folklore, lies and misunderstanding so this ignorance is apparently the first thing to go. In the case of bipolars, it is often amplified social ability versus depression or other emotional states that is confused with complete loss of judgement. Schizophrenics seem to have an even keel in terms of personality in most cases. I know there is no mood disorder but full on hallucinations. This could be due to an unexplained increased constant source of dopamine in their system I suggest gets used to produce complex distractions that could be used to their own advantage, like poetry etc.. (Unproven connection) The biggest problem is the assumption our government and citizens have; that the mentally ill are violent. This ultimately subjects us to being treated like escaped zoo animals by every authority figure you can think of. This is how they legally get us into straps; the word violent. This word can be used in ways it shouldn’t which is often the case. Once declared violent and mentally ill you’re bound for a living hell most likely for quite some time. All the ugly side effects of the system itself leave you psychologically damaged. You get a fate worse than prison by far, especially if you’re rebellious. I have rarely if ever have seen an act of violence towards another from a person that lives in a society that has them already sedated, and threatened by fearful ignorant authority figures with shackles, tasers, injections and cruelty in general at the ready. I’ve mostly seen vigilance or peaceful protest in those in an unwell state, simply because they have the logic to see what they’re up against. We’ve seen this all our lives. Even those who fight back really never had a chance to show that they meant no harm. I say this because our common goal as this type of person is to be understood. While up against a mass of smug sociopath liars who are constantly projecting joyously in groups that we’re mentally incompetent and incapable. This whole thing makes me want to kick an isolation room wall in and pull out the insulation over and over again. That type of treatment on that scale and for that length of time inspires anger in the most emotionally controlled of individuals. This type of passive brutality cannot be easily understood by people who are on a regular level of unchanging dopamine and serotonin. Basically, it is those who are in control and uninformed that are inevitably inflicted with the stigma for mental illness otherwise these are used as tools by the PhDs that as of late have the audacity to wield side effects deceptively like better acting medication (as well as transference upon their staff). Mania is a powerful source of energy. Success of any kind is a possibility with people that have the genetic makeup of the bipolar individual and quite possibly the schizophrenic and schizoaffective system casualties. Most who blindly submit are in a sedated or in a financially constricted reality for most of their lives. However massive bodies of work that gain quality over time with practice are usually seen with all types of mentally ill individuals. Productivity is a given with excess energy and hopefully with excess dopamine. This is something the bipolar individual has at their disposal. (The excess dopamine, like I stated earlier, being the undiscovered advantage for schizophrenic and hybrid diagnosis individuals). If psychological ailment is part of ones developmental makeup, seek help through private practices in your nearest large city center, like psychologist offices, astrological predictions or the cheaper alternative; fortune cookies. ((all systems more trustable than the political money grab being masqueraded by the Canadian government and god knows where)). Hobbies will get lots of attention and skills like writing will be improved for most. Phenomenal ideas and activities must be given attention. It must come from a desire to be appreciated in a world that sees them as useless and treated as such as well as resentment for the genetic advantage and the mitochondrial patterns I will stipulate below. First off I am compelled to write; things like physical agility are improved as well when new energy comes along. Now, the organelle mitochondria in animal cells produces energy for the cell. Like the patterns of the near solar system and probably menstrual cycles and similar monthly patterns recorded to date, all of these cells (differing by their design) work as groups. Most likely shifting by the behavior and the pressures of the environment and or the environments one is involved with as well as (chiefly) the positive verses negative intentions or energy put forth. The positive being more strong and more apt to gaining velocity compared to negative endeavours while the ignorant become subjected to rapid, (fuelled by culture and social upheaval) evolutionary de-emphasis. Tradition will save many who are open minded. It has been theorized that a person who inherits the bipolar gene may have abnormal mitochondrial activity. I reiterate that this would cause fluctuating energy production for the whole body and possibly more so for the brain, ultimately spiking or dropping essential consciousness related chemicals like serotonin and dopamine. Mainly above the baseline of level as far as positive living goes indicating that it’s an innovative evolutionary trait. (These chemicals and the proper medicine are prime factors for the bipolars however independent) the natural chemicals)) These are known simply as chemicals that affect our mood. Or sometimes referred to as (and in everyone’s experience) reward chemicals (endorphins) and oxytocin (the love chemical). The mitochondrial theories as well as more psychological rather than biological theories (i.e. “mono-ideo dynamics”) are unproven. (most called into question more than 100 years ago left unelaborated but proposing a hypothesis unfinished on purpose, ie. Mono-ideo dynamics meaning that an idea can make the body do anything the body is capable of to the peripheries, any part of the body. The “any” part of course cautiously suggesting the brain) The future of mental health I would say is the extensive categorizing of the dosage and drug or treatment in relation to different types of people or circumstances. (i.e. more than 10 conditions, more like a dictionary of conditions to be) Also, once the medical scam plateaus (due to actual research and political attention) psychology as a treatment method will be implemented beyond nurses attempting some form of cognitive behavioral therapy. It is those employed to work with the mentally ill and the graduates of psychology or related studies who must insist on more data collection and way more research into the possibilities the mind itself can offer in medical treatment of all illness. It occurs to me now obviously that psych has been previously placed on the priority list as secondary to the drug trade and religion so to gain funding for an renewable priceless trade like deduction of illogical pursuits and outcomes. (A basic form of psychology that should aid dangerous things like delusion and the laws of attraction). Psychology research mut be put on the forefront so we can get meds chosen, dosages corrected and diagnoses discovered and made faster and more accurately. (And produce more jobs in all levels of the field of medicine) It’s a century old marriage and divorce between medicine, and free will. Psychology should be treated as equally as important as medicine as it is half the battle against corruption of our society, ecosystem and those who inhabit it. Back to the original induction and pragmatic endeavour of self controlling mental chemicals that have their own agenda, or the agenda of the moon and the weather; the social activities of a manic person can be difficult to put up with for others because it’s constant and overbearing at times. This factor most likely is being brought up because of my experience with passive aggressive tendencies. What is interesting is that it can stimulate chemicals in people around the source (more importantly I say between couples). Basic emotional chemicals like endorphins and oxytocin (excitement, survival and `love` related chemicals in any order) can be increased in other people at higher than normal rates and levels (not to mention the freed individual themselves). These chemicals can be a blissful and natural human experience when people are close to one another. This can be achieved through stylized communication between persons. In cases of manic people with other manic people; it’s a vibrant social atmosphere. It’s manifesting the inner emotion or thought into reality or more commonly manifesting it into iteration. In any case one can activate the other pretty easily without consumption of any substance. Any communication and body language is the stimulation factor here when differing types of people get together. This is what psychology is; ‘Behaviour changing chemicals, changing environment’. Boring and seemingly opposing efforts is also a common occurrence because it’s hard to stay positive for most and for those around them because, it’s been a long battle and opposites attract. Phrases like that as well as phrasing like “everybody’s different” is an indication that intellect and work ethic are also independent factors essential to the coexisting of partners in general. The state best to experiment in as far as is hypomania (medium mania) or even just wellness. Ways to activate a slow rise in your serotonin level if you’re not bipolar would be using a mild stimulant like amphetamine (Dexedrine). This is not something to try on your own. I’m suggesting this to be a carefully overseen test involving chemicals that are dangerous to be used in excess and for prolonged periods of time. If you become manic, know that once your manic states have passed and you’re well you still possess the ability to partake in and test different psychological and parapsychological activities (it does stay with you and up to date). One thing to discover while well is that a person can up their brain’s chemicals at will without the use of drugs, rather, behaviour or behavioural exercises. Once you’ve done that and or submitted to the opposing factors of the weaker you are both freed. This has been going on for billions of years in many forms. Dancing, sex, geometry, sensory deprivation (like vision quests or modern culture traditions) gaining knowledge about the earth from the stars, cultural and group oriented endeavours like art or chemical revolution (i.e. drugs rock and roll all stimulate the body chakras as well as the earth’s). Other theories basically thrown around by the wiser of the eastern west in the form of literature or poetry comes to mind, like; “electricity comes from other planets”, in relation to mono-ideo dynamics in relation to bipolars and nature; “The Gift” etc. (The Velvet Underground, 1969). All of these “foggy notions” are there for usually the reason they’re being inspired, meaning put art intentions and science together and you’ve got something good. Unless you succumb to the marketplace. Only drugs inspire chemicals on command without the need for circumstance (this is a modern cultural tradition). The nature of mania is that you become ‘antennae’ of sorts that more easily gathers information. It’s up to you what you do with your energy or your manic that turns the tides in your favour. Your perception may be higher in this state, but there (as always) is; a down side of it as there is duality in all things in nature. Psychosis depression and psychological problems plague the inexperienced young bipolar individual’s lives until an effective treatment plan is accepted or forced on them. Other ways to cushion this (and to avoid too many episodes) is complying with treatment plans to your liking and staying away from recreational drugs for the most part. Or rather, opposing and cheating the laws of the flawed marketplace. The process as a whole is always a learning experience for most. For sure, unbalanced brains are the next step in biological evolution. The union of the mind and body, the relationship between the physical and metaphysical, and how human culture is merged with the ethereal will occur along with the reopening of the practices originating from primitive psychology like the agenda of the heavenly bodies of fire above. Victim Psychology One thing I have realized over the past many years is that there are two kinds of people in the world; the aggressors and the passive. Like the chimps and the bonobos, the psychopaths and the victimized, the sociopath and the weary guardian, the farmer and the farm animal, the nurse and the sickly the dominant prey upon the weak. I have found the sociopath to be friendly and the psychopath to be gentlemanly and wise at times. This does not condone they’re compulsive destructive social and physical abuse that they inflict upon they’re victims. A psychopath is someone who enjoys committing violence upon another. A sociopath is one who has no care for the wellbeing of others. This is rampant in modern Canadian livelihood. One other thing I’ve noticed about aggressors is that they go in and out of remission. (Which is cooperative behavior) A volatile destruction of one’s trust of others and distorting of one’s actions that is prevalent in victims is sexual abuse of the young and old alike. Next to physical assault it’s the most reactive and high profile to this day of violations of another person therefore it falls in the category of psychopathy from what I can see because of its physical and emotional impact. Victims carry on in public, say profoundly erratic and shocking statements, take up malevolence for those who stand by them and seek a vengeance that has no sympathy in any circumstance against theirs and other persons abusers. Their paranoia fuelles the problem of wrongful accusation cases ongoingly across the board. Usually a current abuser is in the background with these cases fuelling the fire while the victim holds out for some kind of mercy or justice. Wife beating and general abuse of children and animals are the most haness and hated by the public and the spectrum of victims in this country. (Canada) Sexual abuse is the most widely discussed and concerning of abusive behaviors towards humanity, (to the point that it’s an ongoing obsession and topic in the daily conversation in a conflictive situation between persons and within groups of all sizes) breeds decay within the psychological health of the groups themselves(like paranoia to a schitsophrenic) and they revel in it, abusers and all. All the power to the victims for their enthusiasm, but to reiterate what I wrote above, these actions are somewhat on occasion either false puppetry put on by the victim’s close and currently occupied as; violator, or by bystanders who just want a show or to gossip. The falsity and sadly sociopathic act of ‘fish netting’ just about every oddball as a possible suspect of these lowly behaviors is very common in today’s society. However, I have realized that their paranoia is justified by the number of women beating and sexual abuse cases showing up as a reality today and that there is a correlation with the amount of homosexuals that are violently “in the closet” who turn up in our courts and also who don’t (mainly due to victims trying to hold their lives together). Can this be explained by ethnicity clashes? Gangs?Terrorism?Languages? Why this correlation? Is it obviously connected to what was formerly seen as perversion, homosexuality, as a factor in these broken homes. Just because by my census in northern Ontario found that heterosexuality was a minority here and that the abuse rate changed for the worse shows that it is possibly a correlation. How long has this been going on? I find that these men need to use women as a shield, a sexual punching bag that’s worth no more than a cheap roast beef. This is a new social disease. Not homosexuality, but the act of taking a mate of the sex you aren’t interested in for personal gain. The action of these men is typical abuse and the women go on destroying their psychological health through these empty relationships. This one (me) who is looking for a healthy relationship feels ripped off however the sociopathic women choose their life like dolls instead. While the jails hold the psychopaths. The police jail and court workers go on with their corrupt behavior in our region. It’s that that continues to choke our young women into a compromise. They are a social disease, we are under siege from sick nations and countries and our men are allowing our women and children to fall by the wayside to make room for more homosexual dominance. It’s time to liberate the inflicted to avoid more people crossing over to psychological toxicity. As these victims start to depreciate into self destructing and outwardly destructive tendencies. Psychologists must prescribe and teach like never before in this age of lies, abuse and corruption. LO-FI Music Explained JAMES MCFARLANE·SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2016 LO-FI MUSIC EXPLAINED The additional distorted data collected from the peripheries of our senses deliberately recreated and reproduced by means of adverse, outdated and unintentionally altered technology and style. Recorded or preformed ideally in the form of what we know as music and or film. broken record? More like audible snowflake. The geometry of nature get betrayed and expands when recording art under predetermined and active circumstances at the whim of the conditions of the environment and it’s setbacks. LO-FI Music/Media is the effect that the decay of our technology has on the pristine conditions in which we perform and record our visual and audible experience and the deliberate recreation and reproduction of these anomalies. Atonally thrusting forth with a foggy notion that these new audio and visual recordings of patterns that emerge from the more primitive forms of technology over time vaguely and remarkably respond to and compliment the setting of the reality intentionally being recorded on an almost conscious level. The question of how to activate them and where hey come from arises when artists of our own age with a knowledge of the recent technological and cultural past attempt the avantgard. Using predominantly analogue and traditional technology affected by time itself that we can alter ourselves in combined with natural (random) rate, voltage, velocity selection what have you to reproduce art AND what the ultimate effect of the recording process has on these works of avantgard art is the idea behind and the method LO-FI Music/Media. -James McFarlane (Seamus) I blew up Einsteins theory on insanity — James McFarlane (Seumas) JAMES MCFARLANE·SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2016 Einstein said that the definition of insanity was repeating ones actions over and over again, expecting different results. I say that this behavior is far from insane. It is the fundamental law of how our development, bodies, daily lives, cultural traditions, reproduction, evolution and solar systems function. When looked at closely we see that even the most repetitious behavior is constantly changing at various rates. This is a law in all things in our universe therefore nothing ever really repeats itself. Rotations beautifully exist in nature and follow an imperfect geometry that we mimic in our cultures according the the schedules of the massive bodies above. Rock and roll, like opium or the moon have differing effects on the geometric patterns of our lives and evolution. Some rock an roll music by use of musical instruments (science) has combined the harmony of natures repetitious behavior (the drone) with the ever changing distortion factors like; time, mass, pitch and amplitude that are essential and fundamental to the evolutionary principle of repetitious behavior. Its the repetition that is the foundation we stand on, as long as your standing on it, expect something new to come about. Simply our presence in a scenario changes the physical and metaphysical environment at some rate, its our behavior and descisions that change that rate what manifests as the artwork or reality. — James McFarlane (Seumas) lyrics — James McFarlane (Seamus(Substreet Drones)) JAMES MCFARLANE·SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2016 NEW — weird song (2016) the reaper, put the beat on hold, bones dug up just like the sunflowers in the snow, now deeper into the river of sight, if you go in that cave dont turn out the light, white light shines bright, no stars tonight, behind the vox stack, their singin heart is black, subwayswhislting over my head, thank god i climbed aboard instead, reap what you sew 4x (coda) Heart is black ive been had (ive been had) ive gone mad (ive gone mad) ths is war, (this is war) i told you all this before i beg you, i want you too, write me back heart is black face the facts, art is black, heart is black face the facts, art is black, oohicant stay, (ooh icant stay) cant go your way, (cant go your way) i felt you sweet smack, Your smoke is black (smoke is black) i beg you, i want you too, write me back heart is black face the facts, art is black, Beautiful face she thinks shes alright, butshes out of sight, swim in for a bite, underneath the white light, thining of fashons, and still looking smashing appealing to fools, out of all kinds of schools, lo frequency base, mixed with the acid taste, no it couldnt compare, to your beautiful face. you left a hole in my chest, a better shot than the rest, do you have five minutes, for a warhol screen test, at dawn i see a star burning not lie the rest, cant help but sit and wonder where its going next 4x cant help but sit and wonder where shes going next 4x Blue Haired BelleBlue Haired Belle, hangs around the gates of hellMorning stars get lost, in the flow of your blue sky locksDon’t despair, you’ve been on a track please take care, Come fly with me, its your blue sky that’s pure dont you see. Its alright You, me , everybody,we, see, only moonbeams,comets not so high,eathquakes in the sky,lalalight n short in hight and , nananight and it’s alright,lalalight n short in hight and , nananight and it’s alright, You light the way, through tunnels, try not the scrape, the gunnels,on the right a cave in sight, it’s alright not this timeon the right a cave in sight, it’s alright not this timelalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalalalaooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaooooooooooaaaaooooaaaaaoooooo Main Street When you called me up hereIdidnt feel like walkin, Now your sayin to me,youdidnt feel like talkinwhy are we so clumsy,so clumsy with our breadnow you tell me honey, how you keep your stomach fed, always lending yourself out, to the freaks that dot our lives,honey when you gunna shout, at those drones in out beehive,take a walk uptown, to the bucket where they drown,gunna tell them when they get out,to get theiur handouts downtown MorningAt the dawn of a new age,Sun comes up, smell the burning sage,take a step foreward, turn the pagesay goodbye to all those dark dark days, MAking a brew I stare a the fire,stir the pot, and then connect the wires,turn on the amp, the music inspires,got to free my mind from all the cheats and all the liars. Morningdrone You, you know what I mean, when isay,that nothings gunna happen today,and you, you know what imean,wheni tell you it’s just not my scene, you, yeees you, what the hell are we gunnado?and you, the only one you listen to, is a man, by the name of, Lou. We, yeees us three, could make it at a defferentpace,I, know that, it’s a discrace, Lord, take us to another place, So grab your stuff, your record albums,you take the wine, and ill take the guns, and into the ocean, we will go, cause you know, were headed, for the coast,so raise up your glasses, for a toast,ha, which one of us can drink the most,the father, theson, or the holy ghost,and you say that this car can race,but can it take us to that other place, a different side of mother natures face. take me to another place. Nothing drones honey comes from lots of work, sticky feet moving berserkpatterns form in crude beauty, drones fulfill a pointless duty, honey drips, from the hive, golden jkelly feeds their wife, pretty flowers messy home, nothing drones on like the cone, back and forth, in and out, dancing like we use our mouths,the pay is small and so are you, results of that sweetens my tooth, the task is never ending, constantly descending, dripping in the mouths of those not worth defending. Oppenheimer park Rolling down the open road, to the end of the line,end of the world, end of the illusion of time,I go down to the water, and feel the cool surf,hear music in the air and take it for what it’s worth, cant understand why people, could live on so little,when so much goes through them, and through the needle, so hasty, with the selling of their saved souls,the western downtown is bright, blunt, and bold. Walk up and down throughout the day, out of your mind,think of your home nevermore, till the end of timethe loop drones on and on like a broken clock,don’t need to climb the montain, cause your at the top Hastngs is not coming for you, your coming for it,like hell it bewccons like the incline of a pit,the east side, sits a nd people come from near and far,to sit, and sink, into the grass, in oppenheimer park oracle so your torched,your hanging by a thread,don’t scorch, your pretty little head,wishing through your lips that it worntpass,feels like your turning from a liquid to a gas, take a trip right to the edge of your mind, consciousness poured out and left behind,take a break from all the flats and all the sharpd,ride a cloud of nothing, and numb your broken heart To thew edge of your mind, distortion blurrs the line bettweenwhats out there and whats inside, deep in the cave, breath in the cold air,see shadows on the wall,… stare bring news just like homing pigeon,come down, and start a new religion, leave now, and speak out, littereally or metephorical,the knowledge you posess will make you the oracle. Pipe Dream A science experiment gone totally wronga weather balloon with some kind of evil about it,all the kids at school could see it above the horizon,my friends and i knew we’d be better off without it, king kong, walked along high street, where the freaks and thugs call home,if he could reach this floating disaster on time,he knew he would never have to die alone,hethough about it and realised the people wouldntunderstandhe knew their alien nation would turn this ape into a man, darkened minds turn on a dime, revolve in time along thin white linesyin and yang drip from a wolfs fang, one pulls the trigger the other goes band why can we get to the meaningof this philosophy of feeling, how do we break the silence of the checkerboard of violence. Darkened fool has lots of toolsd, dead at the deep end of the pool, boring times and pouring rhyme, the question, is this really mine? why can we get to the meaningof this philosophy of feeling, how do we break the silence of the checkerboard of violence. Psych em out Psychem out like rabid vermin, make em shout a phony sermon,see right through their simple game,right to their core their thoughts of shame, watchem blow upon the fire, rocks explode right on the liar, social change brings end to war, housewife trembles on the floor,backwardsforewards, up and downvoisc encircle all aorund, observeprecieve hear see know learn mirror be, identify possible flaws, of the menace with no causethe time is now, so try to learn how to bend the rules they use to keep you down. Rabbit hole Salvage you mind while it is illuminated, a fire out of control,a cabbage in ttime, right now it is fumigated, wired and housing a soul,badhabbits in line, schedualed to be terminated, inspire you out of your hole, A rabbit , redefined and underrated but higher than ever before, drink up while the tea is hot and bright blue, the flesh of the gods makes it so,3 caps and some stems is all i can do, to see shooting stars upon the snow, think sweetly of me, with emotions so true as yu stand and look through the window,think of thinkgs to do when im gone for good now, waving at the bus watching it go, Im down in the southland, with deep curving valleys and bridges all rusty and crumbling, with grasses all dying and rivers of green and subways whistling under me. a spot on the corner , a 30 dollar gutar, a case and a cigarette too, is all that i need to get usedd to my home and bring my mind closer to you. The last of this song, is all out of place, but the pace rings true to the rule, of the verses before i shut tight the door on the patterns lost and misconstrewen,becauseits all backwards and forewards like this, its in shambles but its not a ruin,the end of this 4 verse song has arrived, to the point you might not clue in. Sea of lights Rockj and rave, through the night,on speed in a sea of lights,jump spin contort thrust,black white pain lust,spent a week there last might, maybe more,steal yourself a holy death crouching by the door cause we all live in sin but it makes music sound new, go out on a limb, and let the world surround you, we rave through the atonal thrusts and the booms,tonight the flowers of evil are in full bloom, Standing there all in white, she sings in the spotlight, in darkness and style, we strum all the whilestanding all in black behind the vox stack, from behind sunglasses, we inspire the masses, cause we all live in sin but it makes music sound new, go out on a limb, and let the world surround you, we rave through the atonal thrusts and the booms,tonight the flowers of evil are in full bloom, Walk and talk it through the park,whiplashgirlchild in the darkrun run run, take a drag shoot your speed while you brag i’ve been orchestrating behind sunglasses,immitatingprodogy, and writer, man, tomboy and a throusand fans zeppelin spotlights on my brain exploding plastic in my veinhypnotyic tones as the propellers drone,mind bending sounds, resonate undreground, dak circles never weed, new york 1963, Chcmysic, velvet freak desensitize alter tweak, no money car moon or sun, sell your blood for heroin,if she ever comes now now, moe beat on that drum now now,pink perfume, mantra neumes silk screen factory tunes superstar test only the best wine coffee speed heroin rest,darkcircl;es never weep, new yourk 1963,theyve been up for weeks, in the white light the tweak, in 63 Skeleton Here we are again, moneys all been spent, you don’t know where hesbeen,hes trying to fend off things that dwell within, hes a skeleton. at the end of days hes been here before he says, narrow in mannyways,hes a skeleton,andidont know where hesgoin, or why he thinks itssnowin, he can see the wind thatsblowin, hes a skeleton, Spotlight Reap what you sew,snakes and poppys in her hair,sun flowers in the snow,make you look like your not so old,it had been so long i could not recall her face,she came outside to meet me though iwas’t her case,nowi sit and wonder if I’m out of place,the memories i had of her, are in outer space Standing all in white, she sings in the spotlight, in darkness and style, we strum all the while,on the odd days I could talk to her,harmony and dissonence, a modern venus in furs,up and down that hallway, rotating the earth,waiting there for hours and hours, for her the quench my thirst. Sweet grass summertime,see the star shine, and i don’t mind revisiting those times,although my mind is blown, i play the drone,saying goodbye while you’re getting stoned. Vicious lips oooooo what to do,iwanna see you too,i think imgoin mad, ooooim not that sad noooi wonder sometimes where you are,what moon what planet under what star,id like to think your not that far, but we both know that trip was hard your vicious lips, eard on the airwaves, waking the dead, from their graves,your sweet, but your toxic, been three weeks since you dropped itI found it in my pocket, your trains comin I cant stop it You Made Me the reaper, put the beat on hold, turns to dust when they turn to dope,promises, he couldntkeep,to save a life, only three feet deep,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me,the reaper, put the beat on hold, turns to dust when they turn to dope,promises, he couldntkeep,to save a life, only three feet deep,you’re my catalyst, myonliness, decemberbaby,im the creep you made me, Come Back Around JAMES MCFARLANE·FRIDAY, MAY 13, 201610 Reads The process as a whole is always a learning experience like no other. Ultimately, like the brain has a recognition and physical atribute that corresponds with most chemicals in nature (possibly even synthetic chemicals) the psychological functions that a person can aquire are almostordaned and recieved in a timely fashion by the organ and im assuming the subconscious effortlessly and for evolutionary purpose. So I will assume everyones own, (however existential), growth experience is interesting. Having the atribute of spiking and deminishing of at least two of the brains most important chemicals related to experience, and behavior… and the awareness of the (most obvious to you) potential for not only chemical related occurances and their ripple effect, but the behavioral methods that the acute brain, manic brain, almost has a natural function to excercise and use usually either for a better survival or further expansion into astonishing existential and soon to be investigated parapsychological, social behaviors that tend to stick as long as they serve in a new type evolutionary (ie “Counter intuative”, productive and humanistic beavior that the mind eagerly draws in like an antennae recieving and storing up valueable energy. Setting this agenda and also surviving the early episodes, of bipolar, (which are usually the most drastic) are two hurdles to get over, let alone the crude, almost sickening archetectural features in our community hospitals, thats purpose cannot be desguised as heathcare to the human eye. A grossly overused assortment of bondage equipment and isolation chambers (not to mention your absence of any dignifying articles of clothing( also to be moved and set in place on occasion) nowadays plate glass walls, a whole dungeon setup designed by those people involved no less, who really probably care wheather the colour they chose or how their design would function better than the decaying sweat soaked ultimately in our home towns case, my favorite case, dried blood stained, apparenty approved for use by some dr, a single hallway, to alk up and down seemingly endlessly, untill not suprisedby the inevitable dread code white, that is the delight for the predominantly, …listen t me… dominated, by your average practicing as ferociously as they can with as little effort as possible, sociopath and more importantly to re ognise, violent violators psychopaths, who pretymch have the real pl working there stressin over what could possibly be these ppls capabilities, and are alienated inside by this evil thay cannot risk their ,,, virtully anything valuable, like a job or who knows, omg… thats why she left,,,,, so, yaa, these ppl rise like cream, annnnnd they have a really good time eeeehm, .. now nurse practitioners or legends, thir former dominator look like theyve aged, well lets say i was convinced they had beeen using prolongued use on heavy stimulents, like crack. iloldrewaout a blueprint with symboldsfr the patient advocate, neaysi mostly wantd to write and its alot of shit thats gone no doubt as home with ,,,lets say u know like fat cat. what, i was 15, and he was fat then, now hes the last one standing up there that i know of. oh yea… so i would say if u want out, and as of late i thing the design is perfect for the right ppl, socios included, fuckers, but, the dr, they are jst as careless as the security guards who cant hide haw stupid the really are and the odd couple who are revealing that their ok, still, idicovered, ,, maybe not in north bay, but in a proper community, like the city, ………..lost my train,,,, i think that i was getting at how just to be fair and …eyea 50 percent of the staff endowd with the ability to weildstrapps, and are encouraged by their no doubt under educated superiors, to always have the wrist ready to be broken if, now this brings me back,,,, they chokeyou, than comes the bondage that betty page would think is very unatractive, idk,,, the thing is,,, ya the drs, oh waut,, ok…. 1/3 of all of them are,,,, exculding the drs, and the janitors, who if ihaventdiscosedya are always there to pile up on a code white, and i know,, listen to me, no janitor ive met would grab my ass so hard on such a numerous a pile up, i have eyes in theback f my head,,,,,,, italalot,,,,,,, ppl that work so hard tp climb so not that far up the ladder in society, yes, sum of them are costume rocking witchcrftprodiges, who, will, 1 take the whole bunch of guys .. it may have been the forensic unit,,, this little thing is known by ,ppl, ive talked to about the psych who are inderectyl told by their others who work it, and ave stories about the oddity of us. iduno,, alot went down, but,, boring s yea she walks me throught e bysantine conduit iup to the floor, and the police have to walk somewhere behind to uncuff me and ta da, , y o iwanna bring up corporeal action when the best times,,, due to the conditios of bondage uuuuuuuuuuh were strictly through plate glass,,,,, ie. rare appearenced that are pretty much the only way. i really was bloody fucking thirsty 8percent and i mea ya,, when i was younngti chewed up braaaaan and drank my watttaaeer, and drew peace sighnsandd 7 days laterrrrr, after she sumhow managed to get an earbud into my head screaming for any colour you like by pink floyd, and playd the fungsonhggg, badassss. straight jacket. prolly day 4,,,,, i still think cough syrop is good for teenagerswhatver,,m took me to the top. ok… to get offf, the ward do as such; by Ultimately drawin on to no apparent end in crayons complete with nicotine gum (smokes,, the only freedom, not yet a right, that is so hard to get,,,,, and i learned to smoke in side the scarborough general hospitol,,, that room soon became the chamber, i would be locked in, for manny weeks, at different times,, thats where alot also hapened, is where the nude bondage asianfemaldr, ..whati mean i s theatwwhatwuldlou reed say… they never forgave us for nagasaki.,,, newaysive never spent more time in a i also a what appears to be and have bben told by assdocter of the north bay pstychwhi took to court at the hospitol and he got yelled at by a panel while my dad defended him and i ate cookies cus ii was really manic,,,, i also was 15 1/2… he later let me try and commit suicide,, thats a story of a different colour,, sounds like sprockets, idk,, idontwafe war with very real religiossympomatic shat, iuuuuuhm , so,,,, hereswahat krb8tujvcklwelbutrin.,,, ya, it istaken orally it shoul get right to work in three ad a half weeks, if suicidal,,,,, pray, oooir if u cant get dxedrine,, or sum speed beane drink a bottle of childrensgeapecoughsyrup once a day,,,, this acts as a seritonin reuptake inhibitor of a differrentcolour. 2 to 4 hours,,,iu get the mental stimulation,, it reall is a mellow buzz butttttyupppidecare fuck cough syrop…… dexedrineisnt out there and i know it couould really bbe used and they aslso do,, ie. jfk, addisons disease, dexedrine/anphetamine. so,, it will make y0ur 90 year old great aunt we all frogot about over in blind river get up from the abyss of alzheimers and dementia and sing thins is the day that the lord hath made,, ,but with real and concious interaction,,, without memory of course. however,,, she does that,,, did that anyway , but,,, im sure every month not every day,, at least one trial of … iuffingadhd adults can take it,,, why cant she. smeared into the grate of every window and the classy bubble rooom which actually was made with enough pride according to the regionnsid say, to have an even more, almost funny, and certainly battered scratched and spat on bubble for the head psychiatrist t poke his head into every few days. Lets not froget how that scene ended. like my father and grandfather before me who conditioned and alterred the correctiona institutions for fifty fife years now a conmfortablevacatin for psychopaths and whoever, not even the hole could stand up to point blank restraints naked, with your flimsy gown around your chest. at least in the bubble room there was lots of privacy, u know, to each institution their own, glass , bubble blood stained, probably 60 years of ppl that somehow said something that attracted the attention of their nurse, who no doubt vollynteered after printing your file which is most likely epic thick, there is no room for any of their creative stylings in that no, i did just smash the wall into pieces and ya all the insulatin is everywhere, high five and respect from my cute transference mistress, (and a couple others.) Perverts Dictionary (O_o))))))))))))) Trilateral — jinx No doubt — yes, super Doble- adorable, dobles, adobles Straight up — forthrightly, correct, right, or goof Throwing babies makes them gay Avant garde — protect the old (art) stay the same Downtown, — quiet not ratting Technology — rewind/splice mp3 interchangable Right up — shooting up Not up — free (not in trouble) Word — “my promise” new word, yes Naw — ya goof / no Buzz out — use vibrator / get high Drone- parapsychological anomalie Phe — speed (methanphetamenes) Stellar — awsum / the sun / single thing Figure — shape (claivoiance) One — god / goof Out-gay or leaving No doubt — ur gay / im gay. (For sure (im a whore)) straight up In — a goof out “my thing ‘ — claivoiant animation (repeated) Pentagon/circuit — terrific Duality — love or contrast in nature Straight — not gay or no drugs Up-in torouble/retarded/fucked Goof — crazy p/pedophile / molester/rapist/asshole Pervert-whore/hooker Asshole-incessant talker(mean) Solid-honest reliable Ethereal — heavely, sticky, Bird- girl pervert , moron Badass-pervert/violent, missile Idiot –saying nething Toad- smaker (heavy) old vagina A hard — a stiffy Eh eh- turning vol down and then up to trick parents in the 70s in quebec Bonhome — dildo, goof, good man Ein — get in /out (here) goof (French) ass hole/vagina Institution/church shouting= good Tabernacle-chest Coalis-chalise Zeut-fuck Fuck- rape/damnet or sex Stomping — raping Bang out- beat on Beat up — gay kids trying to get their frieing off violently Rank out — make someone stink by working them or hurting them / cast someone out canadian military style (gay) , gang up on someone till they freak out (psychopaths do it all over Canada)’ Trast- drunk /party/water Dai-morning, cool, fun, ausum, hello! Good-goof Story along-paranormal happening involving ancestral memory Psychic-all in one, prophet telepath Telepathic — mind to mind talker, thinker Telekinetic- moving things/ ppl Claivoiance- seeing colour from other ppls minds Rod-skyfish/fast moving anomaly animal Vaj-old or young vagina Oss — dog or baby vagina Grandma- bag in tree Candy — transsexual My honey — sexy (on the wind(throwing laughter(female))) Beating off — complex Wacking off-pervert Jerking off — solid (female) Move-walk / go Mullet-militia Freak –goof (black word) Ca — crap — crow call Germ freak-someone who forces germs on ppl Quay-(beautiful woman (cunt) — woman) latin Mead-morphene Rin — heroin (dust / cookie crumble) Beans — speed pills Rids — Ritalin No shit- of course Jib-meth Hellfire — run off meth (bad) Food — crack Molly-mdma /e Bombs — ecstacy cid — Acid (lsd) shrooms-magic mushrooms sterl — brother (little) afgan weed — brown pot kife — bad weed (shake) leaves) shibby — cool/goof cool-gay/awsum fade white — see white on od (heroin/mescelin(go to heaven/hell)) road — freedom — out of institution the suck — mescalin myth ast — perversion telekinetic- asty sortof meta/physical movement from the brain outwardly god — goof — one or christ lady stink — female deodorant leave it — shirt on chest (gay /bi) stop it hiboit gland — make you fat cured with amricain medicine merican — goof citizen of America Canadian- a sovereign citizen of Canada (incestewous clown) Were done — end releationship British — gay mongerers Nono –nig mistake Famished — thirsty / starved Sent — innocent Pervert — to change something and make it last nothing — absence, bipolar universai — multiple universes psykinetics — telepathy / telekinetics/claivoiance geniupsy — psykinetic offspring genius — generating new thought (brilliant) bipolar- up and down serotonin and dopamine, psychopath — violent person sociopath — not caring about neone oppositional defiant — opposing help borderline personality — victim misbehaving schitzophrenic — high fixed dopamine, fixed seretonin (normal)\ drone — unpiloted airplane, good worker, artist , schitzophrenic dick — enlarged clitoris get out of here — come here little child aced — gay men trying to get pregnant, daughter , sqaired away k — ketamine ass — dad/grandfather hun — little stut( skank) brecky — greek (breakfast) supper — jewish (Dinner) brecko — Italian (breakfast) avatar — ethereal image of oneself asshole — girl or boy or rapist (north bay / Chicago)\ goof — sad or sexy ethereal image from shame can be cured with desensitization (knumbaning) (telepathic) ya — pedophile dude — black pedophile Italian cowboy, fake doctor (candadian) huffin — pretending to be someone else while using telekinteicks in a sexual fashion. sadomasochist — paingiver/enjoyer earphoning — hearing ppl in ypur speaker — hold speaker up to ear and hand over other ear, psychopaths recommendation pur — rapist/pervert uggz — ug;y phile — pedophile ace — gays — rape — sister — grandma-brother path — telepath or a psychopath/sociopath, can — male whore cop- fake police (pedophile) musac — music laid — losing virginity glowie — acid victims (creep) ente old stupid goof dex — cough syrup bed down — tie to bed (north bay) fuck right off — screw my girlfriend\ fuck off — go cop the u- universe no shit — definitely mangina — friend spect-respect right up — repect straight up — disguise Italian — scot Adisguzi — disgusting excuse me No shit- really? Love — goodbyek“love”  and the knowledge that one can be loved and in my case always, I only philosophise with the partial use of solid evidence that I have been loved by the one I love therefore at and for that moment(pretty much after the moment my phone died, after 30 seconds of reading trainpotting aloud, there was a subconscious subjective foggy notion that was there to be discovered by the psyche,  at this moment I can prove using circumstancial evidence and truth know by both partied involved, the dependant factor being me loving her forever, and the independent factor her being a single indesisive woman looking for a man who will love her forever combining to make a positive chemical and psysical reaction, that is the fundamental tradition that is the goal of all living thngs on this plant and its most evolutionary form of it is when it’s “Love based” one giving the other what its most in need of and deprived of, the others love, not the love of a friend, but physical experiments that are love based, expressing love on not neccesarily a physical level (like if ur on the phone or sumthing)but specifically a sexual level. The compounding factors that result in reactions happenings cresendoes babies,, are when the energy isnt circular but moves in one direction, when the one party is starved, an the other has a wealth, and the act of giving not just what the yearning needs, but what  he wants, when the desired with all her wealth, emparts her secret harboured denied expression love though tradional reproduction based activities, that friendship goes from “limbo” into action, even for a moment, through technology that alerts the senses, in this case hearing, wheather the deprived is even present or physically participating, isn’t the point the point is that the foggy notion of true love was expressed transmitted in a traditional and pivitol form, even though I picked up the transmission through one sense,  my ability to hear, the value of those vibrations, though lo-fi and misenterperted until the last few seconds before the line went dead (FUCK), were interperated and acknowledged and the whole venus in furs philosophy of the one party giving the other what it wants so bad, but has been denied, and doing it with love, or what they BOTH KNOW is the kind of love that’s needed and given over finally with effortless,  voluntary participation from the dominant, resuling in satisfaction in bohe parties (in my case the girl and I were more harmonized cause it was love based. Sex based, and send in the sacred medium of sound, and the talisman, the artifact, the memory the high velocity evidence that the message was of high fidelity, was that she didn’t use descriptive words (language) I was unfortunately (my medium at the time) it was her specific instrumental natural sirens alerting me to the intentions that truly lied behind her actions towards me  even if it was for that day only, this medium I collected from the field is highly obvious and irreplaceable piece of art that is regarded by the mind of the homosapien on a natural level as evidence that it not just social interacton, its a higher form of interaction, sexual yes, the highest form, occurs only when the truly loving is truly loved, on a sexual level, which indicates physical involvement,  and it did, only on one side, the side of the desired, the starvd had revieved the intention, and it was love, something metaphysical that can only be cofimed as occurring for ne length of time is undeniable corporeal action, even if its just her, givin er to you reading literature over the phone, the gift of reassurance that you are loved in this memorable case was not through words, but audible expressions from the depths of physical and mental activity from her diaphragm through her vocal chords and into my eardrum, was evidence enough that our seemingly healthy and thriving friendship was being held in limbo while I struggled with life and suffered over the denial of the true real deal love you were harbouring and saving in yourself for the future, didn’t dim and go out like a candle that burned up all the wax. Without official acknowledgement celebration and because I was still fucked up, without the long lasting  relationship that we wished wold follow and planned for, the sound of her primal sirens, sent mono ideo-dnamically from her entire physical being emitting frequencies that resonate with the earth around her and correspond with the stimuli, me, the correspondence being the brief experience of hearing the broadcast of it, acknowledging the fact that no matter how flawed or un aware I was prior to precieving what was transpiring an how classicly themed to fit my experience it was, that the fucking phone died before I heard the end of it, I clued in to what was going on, (id been informed of this “drone”she makes by her ex boyfriend (the other guy) right before he drove his helpful and convenient car out of her life)  Even if it was “her being noisy” it was fundamental sensual body chemistry, stimulated physically by the best means she knew how mentally by the imperative consciousness of the presence of the instinctualy, reproductivly essential of (in her case) a genuine male emitting stimuli, in both of our cases the stimuli was audio. The rare and most modern evolutionary trait is the simultaneous(I say this empathetically because were using language the figure this out not a live experiment going on right now or some shit) Emotional involvemint by both parties “while during coitus” bein, to into words, (I know that you’ve been loveing me so im gunna love you back) tho words are sweet but it doesn’t compare to the same message sent in the biologically, exceptional quality thats essential to the balance of the bodies involved and there connection to one another, the planet and the unverse, sound and where it comes from and the intention or involuntary reason for its presence and amplitude, dissonant or harmonious, perhaps my reading, my being on the line was the drone, and the harmony was her dissonant siren song. Its our new found puprose as humans to when ready reproduce.  Love is highly evolved, and requires corporeal and linguistic and energetic action on both parties to be confirmed as true love. It works like a battery(the casing of the battery is the relationship here), one end needs what the other end has access to; the positive end has its own energy attached to it(the juice in the battery, posetve energy),(in this case this is our one, the girl)attractive body(+end)and a mind (the positive ends underside that’s harboring all the energy in the friendship/relationship (battery casing)the negative port on the other end of the battery on its outside (my mind in this case)is permanently attached through the casing of the battery to the mind of the desired, this girls memories thoughts etc. (the underside of the positive end) and not her body. Why because the casing is plastic,( the friendship) isnt enough to join the two to create a circuit, but the love(the battery juice made up of strange elemets) attracted by her negative mind(the underside of the positive end) and makes her body(the tip) fertile and ready to create electricity(communication) only the casing of battery acid(loving friendship)charged by my positive actions(the acid is positively charged by the underside of my mind(the negative ends underside) which represents my body, which behaves like the warm intentions of my actions, which positively go nowhere unless her mind (negative underside of the top of the battery)gets inspired by the love in the friendship (which is positively charged yearning, my positive actions played lovingly into her open mind(negative underside of the top) inspiring her to do something with her body(top of the battery positive) in response to my positive charge on her mind and all the love it can unleash,  for the sake of warm intentions she turns on a cell phone,, her phone(or wire casing) the copper thread in the wire(the signal) the positive charge in the wire, (her calling me) and her hooking up the wire touching it to the negative end of the battery(her bodies actions and warm intentions inspired by a recognisable charge I embody that she identifies with(my body and life being negatively charged with aa positive mind and her beautiful face and attractive personality.)  my phone rings and I see its her, the one, I immediately am inspired that its her charge the one im missing positively lovely, what is she up to? and i pick it up, A simple circuit at this point, is her using a tool or wire to send all her positive energy through to her body by using her minds attraction to positive energy, by simply attaching the wire it sends the positive energy not just through her mind and body but back down on her body, when the extension (the wire) is put on my mind(the negative end of the battery in this case, my mind),deliberately by her, sending the energized current of the love in our friendship (juice in the battery) into my mind(the end of the battery with a bump) by way of the wire (cell phone signals connecting our phones and her voice and energy being the current) all the positive energy meets the negative charge of my mind and then that foreign female tone (positive electrical current) the positive energy stemming from the juice, the love, that’s made up of elements like lithium(in the case of the battery and in my case as well) this element and other alloys, the whole chemistry of the battery acid, holds the charge positive because energy flows, and love or acid can be charged by the bi polarity of conducters meaning they are opposing one anothers charge on the outside leaving potential for power over nature,  while on the inside, inside the battery the compounding nature of the universe is seen between you and me, me and the chemicals and elements the acid the love that is positively charged by me and only me, in this battery regardless of proximity my charge is still the key, litteraly loving you moved energy directly making me alternately free but obviously reflects its imperfections symetricaly and quite similarly to your perfect face and body  only introspectively and this thing I call negativity you existentially use to control and manipulate me by means of electrical currents like a shark in the sea, but the ocean currents in our world somehow moved me so far we couldn’t be but as the drone turns up the heat as chemists cure insanity, inevitably the duality of the friendship followed the trail right back to me,  from the beach into the city,  while metaphysical acid rain fell on her black umbrella,  drops of synthetic nightshade provided a ground and a side effect equaled a perfectly balanced sound resembling a circuit around my neck and down to the nervous wreck, I stand and smoke out on the deck, and remember that was how we met I  stop, wait my energys charge self provides, enough energy to survive, with my new social activity the acid, charge, size, speed and proximity and  the voltage of the current and relativity. My positively charged ablilitys that betray the moon like your fertility, a simple circuit cant explain the lovesick emotional pain still forming drops of acid rain only strengthening my brain, its time I have to get reactive, send this to her radically brilliant highly attractive yet negatively charged mind where chemicals of another kind will get inspired as she reads about batteries and his energy (that she secretly lovingly keeps rightfully under her locks and key with her sharp mind and memory should recall the flattery,  the almost dead battery, poetic licence and mad hattery finally gets me through the matter we, lost all sense of pattern, see, the point was electricity, and keyboards I would never see, played like a former prodigy, with drones that resonate with me just barely metaphysically, through my sleep deprived behavior induced heightened state, Ive always been able to wait, epiphanies sometimes come too late, but revelations give me faith that your negative mind and my positive state, memories of how u altered fate, I know theres more to come but wait, don’t get offended by my state , my batteries dead so save the date, remember wiser things I’ve depictions finished in your head, an electrician would have briefly said, what took me hours,  in ten minutes u will have read, I must finish without my meds, theyd knock me out, blow to the head, ill miss away you time instead,  that lilliad inside your mind