#i will be going to sleep like. rn so it will be a few hours before i get back to people
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
edit: they're closed!!! ty everyone!
we're back for a limited time until the end of August!
when contacting me make sure to include an idea of what you want to be drawn & references (unless the characters are from the DR games, I have those saved lol)
if you have any questions or doubts feel free to reach out!
edit: the commission doesn't have to be a comic!
713 notes
·
View notes
Text
I know this is 100% my personal problem and idk if anyone can relate but as an afab person with some weird gender shit going on I kinda hate it whenever dnp make jokes like "you know us we don't like pussy/tits" etc like 😭 I love that they have fully healed from the comphet "fyi I like vagina" era but I hate being made to feel like a Woman™ because of my anatomy if that makes sense. Like my brain interprets it as "we don't like those traits because they make you a woman and we're gay" idk it gives me like a weird wave of dysphoria every time they say it 😭😭 the first time I watched BIG I interpreted Dan's monologue about "I don't care what kind of anatomy you've got going on, I don't feel attracted to the signs on bathroom doors" as being like trans inclusive but I fear he's walked it back with these constant jokes dsdfghjkl and to be clear I'm not saying anyone is obligated to find me or my body type attractive like that's not what this is about. It's just the equation of genitals/anatomy with gender idk. And this is not even really something that's specific to dnp and I know there's a lot of discourse about genital preferences or whatever idk idk maybe I should've just sent this to phannieconfessions and allowed everyone to take it in the worst possible faith over there. I just need to get it off my chest
#im still trying to figure out if i should book an appointment with a gender specialist#i do have a gender dysphoria diagnosis on my file#but one of the things that's held me back from wanting to try T or whatever for such a long time is this fear of not passing#or of like not fitting into anyone's ideal of gender#like if i were to go on T and start presenting more masc. would that even make me feel better#if i still had to constantly listen to people saying “yeah but you're still a woman tho bc you don't have a dick sorry :)”#i know they're just joking but people on here certainly seem to take those jokes very seriously idk and I'm starting to take it to heart#as well i guess#i need to get back in the fucking gym im so skinny rn and it's making me feel even worse#I've been having trouble eating lately and I've lost a few kg. my arms are so skinny i fucking hate it here#sorry I'm relistening to the stereos and dan made a “we don't like slits” joke + i got like 3 hours of sleep bc i woke up with a migraine#and I'm losing it a bit idk#turning reblogs off because i know this is the piss on the poor website and ppl will decide to interpret this as#“im gonna kms unless dan and phil tell me they wanna fuck me” dssdghhfdjkljhjll 😭😭😭
24 notes
·
View notes
Text
On The Dance Floor
tags: Not Scott McCall Friendly, Inspired by a Song, Oneshot, Alpha Derek Hale, Derek Hale Loves Stiles Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski Loves Derek Hale, Getting Together, The Hale Pack 2.0, Fluff, Minor Sheriff Stilinski/Melissa McCall
a/n: found this in my drafts tagged as "complete." figured i'll post this as a lil weekend treat <3 so cleaned it up a bit. i'll post this on ao3 tomorrow ig. also, real enemy is giving fics a fucking title.
now you can also read this fic on ao3.
White, marble tiles are eaten up by his black, formal shoes, his movements a little hurried as he veers off another corner of this event hall, almost braining himself against the wall. He stops just at the right moment, curses his clumsiness, and continues walking down the empty hallway to the dressing room. Everyone else is already in the main hall, sitting on the chairs, and Stiles Stilinski was there only moments before, so he knows they're waiting for the ceremony to begin.
Except, his dad is getting cold-feet, and despite Scott's attempts at being normal around his soon-to-be stepfather, and being a shoulder to lean on, the cold-feet is getting worse. At least, that's what Derek texted him, a short, concise depiction of whatever the hell must be happening in the dressing room.
And he trusts the Alpha, so he's quick in his steps and quicker with his breaths when he does open up the door and finds his dad pacing around the decently-sized room, his suit on, and complemented by a look of absolute panic on his face.
Scott is standing off to the side, like he always seems to be these days, and he's on the opposite side of Derek, far from him, like he always was and always will be. Some people don't change, and Stiles has learned that through experience he would rather not repeat.
"Dad," Stiles says, and that's all it takes for the dam to break. His dad gives a quick glance to Scott, his once-favorite son, and then pulls both Stiles and Derek towards him, his hands a little sweaty with dread. His dad knows being close and talking low wouldn't make a difference, but it's the principle of the thing, and for one split second he wonders what 16 year old him would have thought of this fact, of Derek being his dad's chosen son, and him himself being this close to his dad. And Scott not even being privy to the beauty of this relationship.
"What if she doesn't want me to? I love Melissa, I do, but Claudia- I don't know. I had a dream yesterday, Stiles, and she was just, she was just there! Just sitting on the beach, where I proposed to Melissa, right where Melissa was sitting. Was that, like, one of your supernatural dreams? Derek, you must know something about these sort of things. I don't think she wants me to—"
Derek cuts him off with a firm, "She wants nothing but happiness for you." He gives Stiles a quick look, asking silently if this is okay, because out of the four people in this room he's the only who didn't actually know her when she was alive. Stiles nods, and Derek continues, and his dad hangs onto every word out of Derek's mouth. "Today is a big day for you, and you're nervous, and it's okay, John. That dream was just a way for your subconscious to show up — this isn't the first time you've had this thought, have you?"
"No."
"That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Just your nerves."
Stiles smiles softly at his dad. "Mom loves you," he moves forward to bring his dad in for a patented Stilinski hug. His voice is muffled when he insists, "She loved you when she was beside you, and she loves you now that she's watching over you. And she loves Melissa, too. I know she'll be the one smiling the biggest when you say 'I Do,' today."
His dad holds on for a little longer, and Stiles knows he's holding back tears when his dad says, "Okay," with a rough voice. He pulls back, takes a deep breath, pats Stiles on the shoulder twice, the way he always does, and gives a wobbly smile to Derek. He says, "Thanks, son," to both of them before looking at himself in the mirror.
"You look amazing."
"I'm so glad Lydia's mom was able to modify your original suit into this," Stiles adds to Derek's compliment, and Derek nods, repeats the sentiment of his dad looking amazing.
Scott chimes in, too, and his dad gives him a small smile. The relationship with him is strained, and if it was any other day Scott wouldn't even be in Beacon Hills, but it's his mom's wedding day, too. Stiles allows this one day, and if he didn't, he can't really stop Scott from being here. This is his hometown, too. They have their differences, yes, but they also have a past, together and also not, stemming from this same town.
Stiles has no right to where Scott does or does not go.
Derek, on the flip side, with his red eyes and ancestral blood running through his veins, roots sprouting from this town's soil, has no such qualms. Derek and Scott share a past, too, and it defines their present more than anything else could have.
Stiles' dad says he'll be out in just a minute, can they wait outside please, and all three of them step out. Once the door is closed, Derek turns to Scott.
"When are you leaving?"
Scott is instantly angry. He has always hated Derek, no matter the truth. Logic was always Stiles' friend first and Scott's second, and without Stiles, Scott is just a ball of emotions being hit by the bat of daddy and authoritative issues.
Derek has a right to know. It is his prerogative. This is his land, his territory, his packmate's wedding. Scott was banished — run off, really, and now he's back. Derek has a right to know when he'll leave, irrespective of Scott's hesitation to tell him.
But, the years have done Scott good. Instead of yelling, making a scene, he takes a breath in. Stiles wonders what or who his anchor is, and promptly decides it's not something he cares to know. He watches Scott get himself under control, enough that when he speaks his voice is almost emotionless.
All or nothing. That was what Scott was, and still is. He's changed, but not really.
"Mom leaves for her honeymoon tomorrow, and I need to take stuff from home."
Derek raises his right eyebrow. "That's not an answer."
Scott gives a tight smile. "It is if you just learn to stop when you should."
Before Derek can say anything, Stiles is taking the two steps to stand right beside his Alpha, disbelief coloring his face and words as he lets out, "Are you seriously threatening him?"
Scott just looks at him. The look is unreadable. It hurts, this distance between them, when Stiles remembers fantasizing about being not two feet apart on a porch in their late, late years, drinking to the years and cheers they must have had in their shared lives. Derek shakes him out of that thought with a gentle touch to his hand, their arms trapped between their bodies, and he relaxes.
Derek looks at Scott. His eyes turn red, brilliant red, and he orders, "Leave by Wednesday afternoon."
Today is Sunday.
And his dad's wedding day. His dad, who chooses this moment to come out, looking much better, and happier, and assured. He looks at the scene in front of him, the three of them, Scott on one side, alone. Him and Derek, side by side, on the opposite side of Scott.
He claps his hands.
"Who is ready to cry today?"
*
They all cry.
The ceremony is simple, but beautiful. The whole town is here, the wedding off their Sheriff, and the nurse who is so lovely, so kind. They are an inspiration, they all murmur, Derek tells him; second chances at love are rare, and this is beautiful, and who knew there exists beauty in the depths of tragedy?
His dad cries when he watches Melissa come down the aisle, Ms. Martin on one side and Scott on the other. Her best friend and her son, and for once, Stiles doesn't mind Scott's presence.
Melissa is smiling, eye to eye, her wedding gown fitting her perfectly.
She stands in front of his dad and says, "Oh, John," with such reverence, it's hard to not cry. Stiles has to put his hand in front of his mouth, but it's futile. Derek, the jerk, repeats those words, the ones he is hearing from every corner of the hall, and by the time Stiles has a dad and a stepmom officially, he's crying happy tears.
Lydia hugs him and tells him now it's his turn to find her mom somebody, too, and he agrees, only half-listening to her. He's staring at the big, gigantic grin on his dad's face, a matching one on Melissa.
Everyone congratulates him and the newlyweds, and then it's food and chatter and toasts, and everyone is surprised when Derek gives the first toast instead of Stiles, and Scott is supposedly not giving one at all.
Derek's toast is short, but no less lovely. He calls John a great man, one with utmost patience, and of course Derek would find a way to make a dig at Stiles; he says he has no clue how John and Claudia had strength enough to be patient with Stiles around, and that perhaps it is that tenacity, that will, that has brought about the proceedings of today. Of not giving up, even when the world is stacked against you. Of staying strong, in the face of everything falling apart. Of falling apart but coming back stronger, steadier. Of finding love after all of that. And coming from Derek, of all people, it means a whole lot, and Stiles' dad hugs Derek post-speech tightly.
When they pull apart, Derek says into the mic, but with eyes on Stiles' dad, "She's just as proud of you as Stiles is. As I am."
And then it's his turn to give a toast, and he's not sure how he can outdo Derek; as he stands up in front of the mic, he realizes he doesn't want to.
He gives a few funny anecdotes of his childhood, of how his dad taught him to always have hope, because good people get good things, even if it takes long. And how Melissa was always there, a second mom to him right from the start, and how much he loves her and is glad she's still in his life, despite the years, despite the circumstances. The crowd gets intrigued at that, aware of the distance between Scott and his mom, and Stiles too; all of Beacon Hills knows about the rift, but only a hand few know the cause of it as well. So, for him to mention the distance, to publicly acknowledge it, is a big thing.
He moves right the fuck on, makes jokes and smiles and cries, admits he'll always miss his mom, but that he'd always hoped, deep in his heart, that when the grief becomes tolerable he'd be the one to make the two of them marry each other.
"You got there first," he jokes, "Had the ring all picked out even before I could start trying to convince you to ask her out. Honestly, that might have been the second best decision you've ever made." None of them have to ask what the first was. It's obvious; Stiles knows his mom's wedding ring sits inside his dad's shirt, on a necklace, his own beside it.
Melissa gives a toast, too. She reminisces the first time she met Claudia, how they became friends, and how, at the time, it was impossible to imagine a life without her.
Before her little speech, to everyone this was her and John's day, but it's clear to them now that it's not just that. To the newlyweds it's a promise to Claudia; Melissa's once best friend and his dad's first love. To be happy. To live.
There's more hugs, more cheers, the champagne popping, and a quick, impromptu speech by Scott, who was fuming at being outdone like this by not just Stiles, but also Derek.
His speech is not bad, per se. Angry jerks of his chin, wild eyes and noticeable pauses. It's not bad. It just looks bad in comparison.
Stiles will definitely rot in hell for finding this funny, but at least he won't be the only one. The whole pack is trying not to laugh, and Stiles has to hide his own in the lapels of Derek's suit, who in turn hides his laughter in Stiles' hair.
Stiles feels bad, once or twice. But Scott made his bed and he's lying on it.
And then, after that, there's the first dance. There's the open dance floor and little kids asking Derek sweetly if he'll dance with them. He's their favorite, and it's adorable, and Stiles takes a thousand pictures.
Derek is in a sharp suit, and the juxtaposition of him dancing with young children, in princess dresses and printed suits — one kid had a yellow, minion-print suit, and honestly, that kid, Darren, pulled it off well — all colorful to his black shirt, black blazer, and black pants, is just so...
Good.
Derek's whole face is lit up, the golden glow of the lights all around them putting him in an ethereal spotlight, his eyes soft, mouth curved up, and nose adorably scrunched as he tries to decipher the babbling of a two-year-old.
The mom of the kid comes to get the boy, profusely apologizing, but Derek just smiles and says it's okay. It was no issue, it's okay, no need to apologize at all.
"Right," she says, eyes flicking between Derek and Stiles. "I'll let you get back to your partner then." And it's clear she means him.
Derek doesn't correct her, and neither does he. She leaves, and in this corner of the room, it's just them now. Most kids are tired, now, and most guests have left. It's mostly just the closest friends of Melissa and his dad, and the pack, of course, who are here.
Derek turns to him, his eyes still soft, which somehow get more soft when he looks at Stiles. It takes his breath away, and he lets out a squeaky, "Let's dance?" He's almost 25, the "adult" age according to the internet, and he still acts like a high school kid with a fucking crush.
Derek just makes him feel that way.
Derek, who is going to be 30 in less than a week, the big decade, the big, bad wolf. Derek, who blushes, his cheeks pinkish red behind his stubbled face, and puts out a hand.
Stiles takes the offered hand, his heart dancing inside his ribcage. And onto the stage they go, to the applause of the pack, and his dad's, "Finally!"
Stiles blushes, too. It's just their luck to get on the floor when it's a slow dance song.
Derek wastes no time, like he can't think or he'll explode, and puts his left hand on Stiles' waist, his right on Stiles' shoulder. Stiles puts both his hands around Derek's neck, and the alpha leans into the touch. This, the blatant trust, the welcomeness of it, is what bolsters Stiles.
They move to the slow beat, their eyes on each other's like white on rice, and everything else just doesn't exist. It's just them, and only them. No one else exists, not when they do, this close.
They move closer still, their hips touching, their foreheads against each other's. Noses touching close.
"Hey," he says, and grins when Derek does.
"Hey," Derek says back, so close that Stiles feels in his bones the word shape itself in Derek's mouth.
The music changes, then, and Stiles recognizes this one from the very first beat of it. Of course he does. It's Derek's favorite song ever.
"Did you bribe the DJ to play Apocalypse?"
Derek laughs, a quick, short one, and Stiles watches the movement of it, the beauty of Derek Hale laughing. "What if I did?"
Before Stiles can say anything, the line, "kisses on the forehead of lovers," comes on, and Derek takes a step back, only to kiss Stiles on the forehead.
Stiles' breath stops in his throat. Derek closes the gap between them again, and sways them to the beat. Stiles just follows his lead, his face having stuck itself on an astonished smile, and by the time the song is over he's just hugging Derek, tight, close, forever and ever and ever close.
Derek hums the song right in his ear, and it's perfect, Derek's breath on him, his grip, his eyes on him.
Stiles takes a step back and just looks into Derek's eyes.
"Hey," Derek says softly. They don't need words. Just this, a moment to themselves, where nothing but them exists.
Stiles doesn't even have a clue what song is playing. All he hears is Derek. His unspoken trust and devotion, his soul half of Stiles', Stiles' own soul half of Derek's. Their mingling breaths, because they're still close, just a hair apart from being one.
"Hey," he repeats, and they're both moving forward, Derek's hands on Stiles' waist, his own around Derek's neck, and they kiss.
It's gentle and slow, like time doesn't exist, could never take from them, this moment infinite, their love defying the laws of the universe and stopping time.
Because this is it. This is love, theirs and theirs only, part of its definition somewhere in the noises Stiles is making, part of it in the way Derek is touching him, moving his hands around Stiles' body, up and down, up and down, caressing him close and closer still.
Because isn't that what love is? Finding meaning in another?
After what feels like a lifetime, Derek pulls back. "Your lips, my lips, apocalypse," Derek hums against his lips, and they're so close, one breath two beings close, Stiles feels the movement of Derek's lips against his.
He lets out a small laugh. Derek swallows it down with another kiss, this one urgent, and time stills, again. Nothing exists, but this, and this moment only. Them. Arms around one another, devouring lips, tight grip, closed eyes, and peace.
They pull apart, foreheads resting against each other's, and Stiles opens his eyes to Derek's soft gaze. On him, through him, for him. He smiles, takes Derek's hand in his, dislodging it from its previous position on Stiles' waist, and brings it up to kiss the open palm of this man, who is radiant in this moment, glowing, almost, with happiness.
"Best day ever," Derek says, and he hums only the tune this time, and this time, Stiles sings the lyrics.
"Your lips, my lips, apocalypse."
"We did think it would take, like, a severe life or death situation for you two to get your shit together."
The sudden reality of a third person existing, and slowly, the reality of them being in the middle of a public dance floor in front of people has them flinching and moving apart.
"Kind of glad that didn't actually occur," Lydia continues, unperturbed.
"Definitely glad," his dad agrees.
"I do prefer you two getting together on my wedding day instead of my ER room, actually." Melissa adds.
Derek and Stiles both stare at their pack — Lydia, grinning eye to eye, a wine glass in her hand. John and Melissa beside her, their hands clasped, laughing at Derek and Stiles' wide-eyed gaze. Isaac clicking a hundred pictures of them, Erica with her full-red lips and a plate filled with food. Boyd beside his wife, hand on her shoulder, and Jackson leaning against Danny, smirking at the two of them. Cora is looking at them, that Hale look of absolute mischief. Kira and Malia have probably gone home — and nope, here they come, with a...
"Is that a banner?" Derek asks, aghast, and Stiles is right there with him. Because that fucking banner reads STEREK WINS.
"What the fuck?"
Peter comes out from the shadows, and Stiles tries to be happy about the fact that his appearance surprised everyone else present too, not just him and Derek.
"Thanks for making me win the bet. Really appreciate the $5."
"Bet?!"
His dad answers his unasked question. "We all figured you two would get together sometime during our wedding. Maybe during or after. It was just a matter of when." He points to where Malia and Kira are putting the banner up, right beside the one that says, JUST MARRIED!!! "Most of us figured the week following today, but Peter, Lydia, and Kira are the only ones who doubled down on the day being today itself."
"We're going to share our anniversary!" Melissa exclaims, happy.
Derek and Stiles just stare.
Derek turns towards him. He cocks an eyebrow up. Stiles nods with quick movements of his head.
"We, uh, are gonna go," Stiles says to the hall at large. "Have fun with your... bet, I guess. Dad, Melissa, love you guys, the rest of you, fuck off." Everyone laughs.
"We'll talk about anniversary plans later, Melissa," Derek says, and Stiles finger guns at her before realizing how stupid it looks.
Luckily, Derek picks him up, fireman carry style, and swoops him away.
Stiles groans against Derek's back. "Doofuses. Serious doofuses."
"Us or them?"
Stiles thinks. "All of us," he decides. "All of us, Derek. How the fuck were we so stupid to wait so long to get together?" They don't need to really discuss it — the kiss was just a precursor. "And why the fuck do they have to be so... ugh."
"They're still laughing," Derek says, as if that would help. "Doofuses," he agrees.
And then they're in the Jeep, Derek's camaro probably to be taken home by Isaac, and they're alone and when Derek drops him gently on the seat, Stiles lunges up to kiss.
"You make me fucking feral," Derek admits against his lips, and hey, Stiles loves where this is going. "I love you."
The words are nothing, really, but an arbitrary combination of English lexicon. But there is a meaning it — so many touches, so many moments shared between the two of them. Time spent in presence or in thoughts. All of it, leading up to this. These three words that make Stiles giddy.
"I love you too, and we really were doofuses."
"Wanna be doofuses on my bed?"
"Do you even have to ask?"
Stiles speeds it out of the parking lot of the event hall, and they do, in fact, act like doofuses on Derek's bed.
They make-out, they throw down their clothes, and they pour out their hearts with every touch, every caress, every moan; they kiss and laugh and confess, touch and worship and love.
They map out each other's bodies and lean in, snuggle, and sleep.
If all apocalypses could be so lovely, it would be great, really.
#sterek#derek hale#stiles stilinski#sterek fics#sheriff stilinski#melissa mccall#the hale pack 2.0#ahhh spent like 15 mins trying to come up with a title and i give up#it's 3 am rn and i'm going to SLEEP#gotta wake up in like 5ish hours too aanxbsjshjs#bYE#sh.rambles#sh.writesonmain#hopefully y'all enjoy this weekend treat#i wrote this a good few weeks ago and so glad i found it in the piles of wip
42 notes
·
View notes
Text
should i sleep for a hundred million years or purposefully stop sleeping just to see what happens
#i have slept 2 hours and haven’t been able to fall asleep again for like 3 hours and i was really tired and mad abt it but now i am not#tired and not mad abt it so maybe the path i should be taking is to stop sleeping. sleeping a lot gives me little energy and i’ve been#having trouble sleeping anyway so maybe i should use this to my advantage and run my little sleep deprivation experiment that i was#originally planning to do a couple years back but then got sooo eepy sleepy that i didn’t really get far. but maybe that’s bc i wanted to#go 72 hours straight w/o sleep so i could record my response to it. i should be more subtle i think. maybe only a few hours a night#and more 30 hour waking periods. do not listen to a single thing i say ever i’m an unreliable narrator btw. i think i could trigger smth#fun to happen i:m a good age for sleep deprivation to do something fun and interesting to me and i want to play god#but i’d get kinda sad being awake all the time bc sleeping is like my number one coping mechanism. then again the pain of losing#that on top of the physical and mental consequences of sleep deprivation would be like so cool. it would pain me so much#but i find that compelling. do not listen to a single word i say i will realize this is dumb later but rn i do kinda want to think abt#running my little experiments and trying to ruin myself further. i’m such a good thing to think abt experimenting on bc i’m so affected#by things i just wish i had more force of will Does anyone want to kidnap me and keep me awake for 72 hours (i’m thinking electrocution#will be involved) and keep notes i fear i’d give up and i wouldn’t keep good enough track of things which would be so sad#obvi it would be unethical but i’m cool w that. i would also want it all on camera for review purposes. hmm i’m digging this idea. 72 hours#is not very long and i doubt there would be lasting consequences so it seems like a good idea. however i’d want to do this when i have#things to keep me busy and restricted access to places to sleep. okay i must think on this further pay no mind to what i say unless u have#suggestions like how to keep yourself from giving in bc i always have difficulty w that one
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
🏥🦷
#damn my teeth on my left side reallyyyyy fkn hurt#last night it started hurting so bad i couldnt fall asleep#i took some regular over the counter pain pills nd they brought down the pain a bit#so it at least didnt hurt as bad as it did first#but now after sleeping a few hours it still hurts ://#idk what to do... bc i've googled but it is like impossible for me to know what this is. could be anything rlly#nd w physical health stuff im not as terrified bc i can just go to the ER. when i was there it only cost $15 lol#but dental care is so fkn expensive i dont even have that in my account#anyway. i could get an 'urgent appointment' which i get financial aid for... probably. thats the thing. it's not 100% certain#idk what i should do bc like i could wait it out nd see if it'll pass nd then wait on my appt the 6th may#or maybe i should call my dentists nd ask them what they think nd if they can give me an urgent appt..#i hate calling tho. i know that sounds ridiculous esp when im dealing w pain but my avpd makes it so so hard for me. i'd almost rather not#if i was smart nd normal thats what i would do. just call them nd see what they decide for me. maybe i'll wait nd see nd call tmrw....#nd idk abt the pain. like it rlly hurts but it isnt extreme i think.. but when i press one tooth it hurts a lot nd makes me worried it's#dying 💀 nd like u can actually die from teeth pain nd complications... nd infections nd stuff. it's scary af 😭#idk if my tooth is dying nd i need to contact a dentist rn or if its smth that can wait for a bit#i mean if i had a job nd a salary i'd book an appt for tmrw nd get it checked but i have to discuss w myself bc i cant afford lol#ugh this is the reason im terrified of dental problems. the pain is awful nd theres nothing u can do if you're poor#my head keeps spinning idk what i should do abt this 😭 i csnt make up my mind. just want it to go away on its own but i know it wont#nd it hurts so that i can barely sleep or eat or concentrate. so i rlly dont know.....#oh if only things were easy
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
sketch vs middle
#final piece tbd i busted this all out today and gotta sleep on it#it looks like a vampire here and i kinda knew that going in bc of what i wanted from the color scheme#but i'm trying my best to steer it away from that. maybe i'll draw some coyotes over it idk i'll figure it out#bitches will be like 'i've been in an artistic rut the past few days :(' then hyperfocus on doing this for two hours#i'm bitches#no but i think what's going on is i'm not liking how my *drawings* are turning out as much rn and i gotta revise my digital process somewha#idk if i need to change to a thicker brush or do studies or what#paintings like these are p fine atm. which is i think why i could bust this out in two hours#BUT i know the answer isn't to avoid drawings and just do paintings so maybe tomorrow after i finish some other shit i'll hurl myself at#whatever is bugging me#wip
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
I can go on that ramble about the future and housing and aromanticism though now. It’s like man, the future is already something that is so inconceivable to me. To then have the sexuality that does not allow me to slot in the cookie cutter you find a romantic partner that you end up moving in with is terrible. And like In this economy I sure can’t live alone, and I know at least when I’m sick I desperately want someone to be there. And then there’s I’m likely to move around a bunch how do you deal with that housing, other than the work having paid housing. like constantly having to find somewhere that’s looking for roommates and it isn’t terrible? And then long term, when I find a job I stay at for a while (that’s remote so I’d love to live in a remote place) is it like I find a place to stay and then I’m stuck there forever and I just have to hope that I make good friends at this new place. (Friends that don’t want to live exclusively with a romantic partner no less.) I want to live with close friends so bad and I’m not sure if that’s a feasible thing for my future. I’m a person that has so much hope so I have to assume that yes it will work out, I do believe that. But man just hearing someone mention it, sparks that hope.
#… vaguely related other way too personal ramble#I need to try so hard to keep my friends for a long time. I want it so much#but I’ve never had close friends till now and once I went to a different period in my life the friends I had were gone#and Ive made really close friends now in college and one day I was talking with one of them on a walk home and mentioned still being friend#in 5 years. and they were like that’s not happening this friendgroup isn’t sticking together that long and they were right#at least for them specifically they were the one that came back worse and it’s a big group#there are most definitely different groups inside it and that makes me worry if once I finish college I’ll still chat with them at all#and oh hey tying this into another thought I had earlier… I’m planning on studying abroad next semester (that’s the application I’m procras#inating rn lol) and I’ll be like 8 hours in the future and I guess that’ll be the ultimate test on if I can really keep friends#a trial run before I graduate#and I won’t let this thinking of the future ruin my time now I know that doesn’t help but still.#well… actually summer sorta also is a trial run. and I still talked with them just less often and in a different way… it’s gonna be okay#this is a post i made#uh I am bad at tagging if things are vent posts or not#vent#oh I completely forgot to put the online part of the tag ramble! Ive made quite a few friends online and we talk for a while and I love the#and then it’s a every once in a while going hey I still care about you but I can’t hold a conversation for the life of me#and now there’s. you know who. who I care about so much and we say things I never imagined people saying about me#and I am so scared? (… sure) that that’s gonna go the same way. and I’m not sure reassurance on any of this will really help I think it’ll#just be I will only be less scared of the future as time passes and it’s proven to be wrong#mh hit the I want to keep this all inside and not let this out to not make other people think about it thing#… okay now I need to make a joke that is so tonal whiplash cause uhhh okay siffrin#… I need to go to sleep it’s late I’m sure that’s why all these feelings are being brought up… ’I’m fine’ as great role model siffrin says#… but it doesn’t feel real that people care about me. that I do actually have an impact. that I’m actually a note in someone’s story#I know it logically everyone I’ve ever known is part of me but it’s so hard to imagine that applies to me in others#okay I’m gonna go shower and go to sleep. I wanna say ignore this post but that’s not a good idea I don’t think#though just talking into the void does help a lot. I’m great at talking myself into believing that things are a okay if I just talk about i#… this wasn’t supposed to be a vent or be so long geez
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
You ever just go through phases of listening to music as you go to sleep
#like for a few weeks maybe once every year or so#il go through phases where i need to listen to music as i go to sleep#anyways currently going thru that rn#it started as i was coming back from comic con. and fell asleep on the 2 hour bus ride back home#with music playing in my headphones that i was too tired to take off/turn off#and since then ive been sleeping with the same song playing in my headphones#the song in question is harpy hare by yaelokre#kinda fell in love wirh yaelokre's songs so thats mostly what ive been listening too the past few days
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
every day i spend on twitter, because that's where most of the starmin are, is a day i wish most of that community would move to tumblr just because the way this site works in comparison would be so much better for it. the ability to tag art and be able to find it later on your own blog no matter how far back it was posted. the way you can add on to each others posts. and also i just like tumblers post format much better. especially for making a vague / simple post and then going into more detail in the tags cuz you don't wanna put all that in the main post but like it's there for anyone that wants to read it. on twitter you gotta put it all in the main body of the post and i. do not want to do that
#and rn it's mostly because i am only on twitter mainly for holostars content#and the vtubing community puts a lot of emphasis on keeping things about the vtuber 's main persona#and their alternate / past persona very separate not only out of respect for the person themselves#but also for the other fans that are JUST there for one or the other (usually it's the vtuber persona)#and there's a few people that are like ''hey by the way ill interact with both accounts so heads up'' and that's fine#but i guess i'm still like ''hmmm do i want to have all this stars fanart retweeted#followed by me vaguing about hiraga planning on streaming and then he doesn't (good because he'd JUST fixed his sleep sched)''#¯\_(ツ)_/¯#all in all it doesn't REALLY matter i can put what i want on my twitter but still i wish it were more like tumblr#or everyone could just move to tumblr please#anyway i WAS gonna go to bed at a descent time for a friday night then lizard man said he was gonna stream#but it's been like 2 hours so i think he probably conked out lmao which is good cuz he needs it i think#anyway every day i mourn for all the cool art i retweet that will be lost to the void in a few weeks because twitter sucks ass#i should go to sleep now in case he does stream in the morning after all. plus tavi's doing a music making menshi at like#8am i should try not to miss that too. fucking time zones TTATT#are you fucking kidding me i made this post and like 5 minutes later he went live bRO
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
its been two years since i was last taking a class of any kind and man. i forgot how hard it was for me. especially online? like i did all of high school online. bad time for an undiagnosed adhd kid lol. but now medicated and only doing one class two times a week? still so fucking hard. learning i do not do well on someone else's pacing. and the constant reminders of your own inability are so damn heavy.
#hard to sit through a 3 hour live class KNOWING that youre gonna be spending even longer going over it all again later#working on getting ADA accommodations its just a process#and waiting on some emails so i can get a physical textbook cuz god does it help to hold the thing#AND trying to feel out when i should be taking my meds cuz its a night class. i was doing so well on my sleep/waking schedule#but now its all just fucked :/#whats nice at least is that theyre doing math things rn that i can afford to half listen to cuz i did a bunch of notes on my own last week#feel like im gonna need to get that textbook and just do as much as i can alone notewise#trying to keep up is impossible#sea rambles#personal#adhd#academic vent#gonna be lots of those in the next few months tbh
4 notes
·
View notes
Note
HI BESTIE COMING IN TO MAKEOUT WITH YOU RN. HOW ARE WE DOING??? I'LL GO FIRST: SO SO FUCKING UNWELL <3 JSDKLSDHJKL
But also your tags on my analysis,,, 👁️👁️
I have Since Shifted on things a little bit after making that post, because I've seen others point things out, as well as noticed differences myself.
SO I'M COMING IN TO TALK EVEN FURTHER ANALYSIS WITH YOU BECAUSE SHDJKSDSK YEAH THE MAN IN THE FOREST OKAY OKAY SO-
There's speculation right now that the man in blue in the top picture and the man with his back to the camera in the bottom picture are the same person. And the current speculation I've seen right now is that it's fucking Hornigold.
But I also wouldn't be surprised if it's like, some other sort of threat too? Like some sort of British Admiral or someone else out to get the lot of them? Or maybe they're entirely different people shdjks BUT I'M LEANING TOWARDS THERE BEING SOME SORT OF CONNECTION,,,
Because like, the Wee John shot comes right before Ed's barrel shot. So I'm like 👀👀👀
BUT REGARDLESS, LOOKING DIRE/DRAMATIC FOR A FEW REASONS.
I was so ~*~swept up~*~ by the beauty that is Wee John in drag in that first shot that I didn't really pay attention to the surroundings. If you look closely, it doesn't really look that much like a party anymore, but some sort of hostage situation/attack. Or maybe it WAS a party, but then whoever the hell that is crashed it.
Because Wee John's hands seem to be bound, someone appears to be tied to the mast, Roach looks like he's having a Bad Time in the foreground, etc etc.
And I THINK it's the Revenge? So like, they were partying, and then chaos ensued, or something along those lines.
AND NOT ONLY THAT, BUT LIKE...
Ed looks desperate, man. And the lighting and his costume/makeup all match up. And because he's wearing the fucking pearls, and has his hair back, and doesn't have his makeup on, this makes me think that ALL of this is in the latter half of the season.
His desperation also makes me think that whoever the fuck THAT is captured/did something bad to Stede. Like maybe...
Whatever led to him screaming like THIS. ((I know there's a high possibility it could be something funny like a crab getting a little 🍆🦀 or something equivalent. BUT ALSO, WASN'T A TORTURER CAST?????))
Anyway, TLDR, they were trying to have a nice party, whoever the fuck that is crashed it and fucked with the crew and/or did something horrible with Stede, and Ed is fucking PISSED ABOUT IT.
((dude if that is the case, and like, they haven't fully made up, yet ed goes absolutely INSANE trying to protect stede??? that's one of my favorite tropes so i'll be in the Ground hope you know that))
anyway kiss kiss smooch smooch rolling into my grave <3
JODI JODI YAAAAAAY I ALWAYS LOVE LOVE LOVE WHEN YOURE IN MY INBOX!!!! it means i’m in for a good time! and MY GOD did you deliver!!!
i’m obsessed with this theory! i think you’re right - this very well could be Hornigold, which would explain Ed’s desperation and unease. It would also explain the barrel situation. “He treated us like dogs — worse than dogs.” Maybe this is finally his chance to get back at this prick.
In terms of the party on the Revenge:
Talent show? 👁️👁️
Maybe they’re finally doing what they were going to before everything went to shit. It would explain Wee John in drag! Maybe Hornigold seizes the The Revenge midway through? This also means that this could happen post reunion, which explains the pearls and the hair tied back.
I can’t recall if it was a torture or an executioner that was cast! Does anyone have that info hiding anywhere? You could be right about that too Jodi! Hornigold’s taken Stede captive and Ed has to get him back even if they haven’t made up yet, or something along those lines.
WAIT! What if the beach gunfighting scene is them returning to each other after all that?
UH OH
If I think about this any more I’m going to die 😌👍 this response was not nearly as coherent as what you’ve presented here, but we’ve been in the clown car together since the start so I’m starting to think we could communicate telepathically at this point.
#I LOVE YOU I LOVE THINKING THOUGHTS#THIS SEASON IS GOING TO BLOW OUR FACES OFF#i’m so tired i didn’t get to sleep until like 1:30 and then woke up at 3:00 for the teaser#i went back to sleep after a few hours but my body is fuckin hating me for it rn hahahaha#so i’m sorry if this response isn’t terribly articulate#but you know what i mean!!!!!#ofmd#ofmd s2 teaser#ofmd s2 spoilers#ofmd s2 predictions#ask#💕✨
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
ok I’m convinced there’s some kind of bad luck streak running thru my family
#tea in the tags#ok SO#I was feeling down a few days back but as I started getting better the rest of my family started getting worse#Like in terms of their physical/mental health#So for eg today I made lunch did some dishes stuff etc#and I didnt know that part of the reason why my mum was feeling down#was cuz of some messages btw my dad and a coworker (a few ranks below him) from his previous workplace#And the thing is my dad is superrr nice and also a bit naive and even in the messages itself there was nothing malicious/sus#but the main issue was there being messages in the first place yk#So that was going down over the past few hours#And this was while I was having dinner and after the fight my dad went to switch on the dishwasher#And I hadn’t put my plate in yet so I snuck it to my room from the living toom#Will put in the sink once he goes to sleep or smth#for context he’s a little strict abt there being no dishes in the sink at night soooo#I mean he’s in the doghouse w my mum rn so idt he can say anything#Esp w me and my sister siding with my mum ie we think it’s weird#but also my mum is not like attacking him she’s just venting cuz it’s frustrating yk#And there’s also family lore to go with all this but idk if anyone is interested LOL
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#i am so drained tbh lmao#the last few weeks took all of me.. i don't think i have ever been this tired in my life tbh.. like yk when you get 1h of rest before#going to sleep and it feels so rare and so precious?#literally been making a schedule for every waking hour of the week these days and there are never enough of them#idk i know i get excited about fics and the stories ill still post and writing them def brings me joy but i just lack energy these days#sometimes i worry i might have to close the blog/leave bc idk how to properly be here anymore and i worry that i might come too late#when everyone's left this blog too :') or stopped caring it's so stupid bc i know we all love each other here.. just bc my energy's missing#it's also why im not capable of answering asks rn but i see them and i will answer pls never stop sending them.. during harsh days they're#my serotonin#dunno.. just so drained by people and the stress :') and other than that my migraines have gotten so bad these days they come back so often#i really don't like to whine but i need a place to let this out after weeks and months of.... this :')#ill probably delete this and it's okay if literally nobody sees.. im just tired and i need a hug lmao sigh#anyways#back to reading c&f!! ill go and write a bit of entertainer
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
finally getting a chance to work on chapter 15 today :-)
#shout out AS ALWAYS to people leaving comments!!!! you are keeping me motivated you are keeping the dream alive#for some behind the scenes: in the last few weeks i've been barely sleeping and it makes it very hard to write or even be in a good mood#i usually need 11+ hours to function and so like. 2-3 hours a night is putting me in a bad place both mentally and physically#and yes i realize 11 or more hours is like a silly amount of sleep but idk. it's just how i am. i go to bed early AND sleep in ahaha.#i've been falling behind in all my classes due to the sleep thing so writing for fun has totally been off the table lol#ANYWAYS#typing typing typing (this chapter will be a lighthearted one)#we all need some fluff and levity i think (and i need to give time for Riku to care for Sora even more and be like. wow. i love you)#I was struggling earlier bc i wanted to write both about how Sora has been hiding darkness from loved ones and needs to let them in#but also with the idea of sora feeling that he needs friends to have strength or value. and i kind of realized i needed to pick one#like maybe a better writer than me could have both of those things be addressed at once but for me i was like... I want Riku to comfort him#which goes against him learning that he's fine on his own. we can address that in a different fic. rn he is just sad and needs to know#that he can share that with the people around him. and that he's still loveable despite it all#also shout out to my gf for teaching me “love isn't something you deserve that's not what love is” like. i did not know that b4 her#so I asked her lots of questions for chapter 14 actually cause I was like. i want Riku to support Sora in the way you'd support me#cuz IDK SHIT ABOUT THAT i have always felt unworthy of love and like i had to beg people to stay with me until i got into this relationship#so i was like. judy. what is your wisdom. how do you care for me when i feel like my pain makes me unloveable. what would you say#So yeah shout out to her! I am off on a tangent now hehe sorry. thanks for reading if you read this at all!! have a good day :)#jtsys fic#updates
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
wouldn't it be funny if I could write again lollollol........
#got a very sweet comment on a fic today and I was like oh my god. oh my goddddddd. ppl *still* like my stuff.#ppl still like my silly little stupid little stuff that I had stupid silly fin working on & it's dumb and silly but I shared it!#and ppl like it!#and I'm like not pushing myself anymore. like before I was kinda trying to force shit to happen#like sitting in bed with an open notebook/laptop like CREATE BITCH!#and I'm not doing that anymore lol and being on my meds has really made me feel SO much better#but also like I just don't.... have any ideas anymore. can't rotate blorbo like a rotisserie chicken anymore#I lay down to go to sleep now and because my body is not operating under severe extreme toxic anxiety levels anymore#I just fckn fall asleep. like I'm OUT. good night. sleepin. snoozin. zonked. 7+ hours.#no more blorbo thoughts at the end of the day I'm TIRED and my brain FINALLY shuts off#I hope one day I'll write again. I had so much fun with it. I have had a couple Thoughts#since I have been on my meds#but they're nothing more than a few quick sentences scrawled in a notebook.#it's like I'm doing so much other stuff and having fun in other ways and SLEEPING FINLALLY SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY#there's just like zero processing left for original blorbo ideas#this doesn't make sense and I bet you were all relieved cause I haven't ranted in tags in like months but hahaha#🤡 I STAY HONKIN'!!!! 🤡#(I'm actually really in a really good place mentally rn I promise like the best I've felt in years I'm just ahhh!! tonight lol)#erin explains it all
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
I’m plagued by blorbo thoughts does anyone want to hear my Lance headcanons?
#after i wake up bc i am going to sleep rn#nexo knights#nexo knights lance#lance richmond#i have like 2 hcs that have been spinning around in my brain for a few days now#i was gonna make a poll bc hehe polls but the shortest time is 24 hours and i want an answer in like 8 hours so..
19 notes
·
View notes