#i will add a lil last edited thing at the bottom when.... once- i edit this

[dizzybizz]

pinned post time!!

hello hello welcome to my humble abode

you may call me dizzy, i'm autistic and trans, my pronouns are he/him, i am 18 years old, i'm swedish..

i draw and that's really about it, i am also very normal about my interests (run while you can).

some organizational tags:

my art is very creatively tagged with #my art

little scribbles are tagged with #doodle

sona tag

any non-fanart art or stupid textposts i thought of is #dizzyoriginals

i have an oc tag tho its kinda barren

reblogs is #rb

sometimes i manage to remember to tag friend art

any polls are under #polls

i sometimes post about my pets (4 cats and 2 dogs) under #mylittleguys <333

sometimes im really inconsistent about my tagging tho ngl ,,sorry

here is a sideblog for my SDV farmers: @guyandremy

i jump around fandoms a lot, my fingers are in a lot of pies but at the moment my main ones are:

witch hat atelier (<- literally my fav manga)

drawfee/drawtectives (<- literally my fav youtube channel and youtube series)

and most recently the great ace attorney (<- i bought this game as a holiday treat for myself and i have been so sane while playing i swear.)

STARRDEW AVELLRY RAGSHHGGH

i try to tag my posts properly in terms of content warnings and all, please do reach out if there's anything you feel i have missed. my dms and inbox are open!!

you are also free to send whatever silly stuff you want in my inbox, any questions and art requests, whatever you feel like really.

ok yay!! i think that's about it, "love and peace" as mr vash the stampede so succinctly put it.

(last edited: 02-08-2024)

[bluecloudious]

would u ever consider making a tutorial on how you make those cute litol crochet grunts? : o

Oh, hell yea, I figured out a very specific technique on making them!

The tutorial is under the cut!

(It's long and as thorough as I could make it.)

Materials you'll need:

Yarn (color of your choice, but more than one ball preferably JIC) (Try to use the most regular yarn you find at craft stores, that doesn't make you itch. Anything thicker or thinner usually makes the process a bit more complicated. Not impossible, it's just a bit of extra work)

Stuffing

Crochet needle (depending on the thiccness of your yarn)

Sewing needle (With a beeg hole so you can stick yarn through there comfortably) (Mine also has a dull end, which I honestly recommend as it keeps away from injury, yet still works like a charm.)

For added details you may use pipe cleaners, buttons or whatever else you see fit. Your plushie after all.

Keep in mind that I am not a professional. I don't even know what the different loops are actually officially called, especially not in English.

Here's a lil image of what I will call the different loops in this tutorial, though:

Also here's how to do a long (the green is yarn, that isn't already part of any loops):

A regular/single is this but skipping over steps 1 and 2.

A double is two singles in one premade loop.

A negative is two premade loops pulled together with one single.

Also, important side note, leave there a little ending of yarn every time you start or finish a section! It stops your entire plushie from falling apart and in certain parts can be later used to sow parts of it together, if left long enough! And don't worry about the little useless seeming danglies, you can just pull them into the plushie and noone'll know they're even there, yet your plushie stays perfectly in shape :))

Also, don't follow along before reading all of it first! I add crucial details after I first mention doing something! Read the whole thing first and then, if you want to, do according to the proper instructions!

Now, knowing the terms and conditions, on with the tutorial:

So, first things first, the Ball-Head.

It depends on how big ya wanna make the grunt, but for the ones I've already made...

You make the first loop and then you go back into it and create eight (8) regulars, forming a nice compact circle.

The next row continues from the first single of these eight loops. This row will be a double over single aka double, single, double, single, and so on.

Repeat this process about three or four times until your thing (head-ball) starts to curve a bit.

Now, you shall do three rows of regulars. (The middle row is allowed to be with longs, if you think that'll shape the head properly to what you need :>)

After these rows, you start doing rows of negative over regular aka same as double over regular, but with the opposite goal- decreasing the amount of loops rather than multiplying them.

Repeat this process until you have a hole that you can fit three or so fingers in. Stuff the head through the hole to your liking and squeeze the head to see how soft it is. (I usually make them soft enough to kinda squish but firm enough not to lose their form.)

After stuffing, finish the head by continuing the rows you were already doing.

You can do the cross now, if you so desire, but frankly I'm gonna show how to do it later, cause it's usually the last thing I do. Holding onto the body and then sewing the head is frankly easier than holding that ball and having your fingers dangerously close to the needle.

Onto the next body part!

The Torso!

When I originally wanted to make the grunt, I had a whole other plan of attack planned, but I accidentally came across a way easier method, so...

First thing you're gonna wanna do is a chain. How long this chain'll be is up to you, cause this is how long the body'll be + you gotta make two rows extra (will explain why in a bit).

After the chain is done, do not connect it with anything! Start doing back and forth rows of singles instead! Do as many as you think you'll grunt will be thick!

(Touch the last and first row you've done together every so often to see how thicc the lad is so far. You gotta account for stuffing a bit, but only in the mid-section really. The first and last row will be the most resistant to stretching.)

Once you think you're done, leave a long ending of wool past your last loop before cutting. You shall be using this to sew the body together.

Now you just stitch from the top to the bottom, leaving two round holes in said top and bottom, but don't cut the thread yet!

Now, sew the hole that you reached while stitching shut. Closer and more intricate stitches are recommended.

Once that's done, end + hide that end of the thread and start stuffing the body. (Add however much stuffing you want, as long as you think the plushie will look right afterwards.)

Now, grab your sewing needle and a cut thread of yarn, cause you're stitching this bad boy to the head now!

How'll you know you sewed it in the right place to make the plushie look right? Trial and error, I'm sorry to say. I make all of my plushies ever so slightly tilted cause I have barely any sense of centralization!

(Main tip I can give is that you can check the rows on the head to make sure you're centring it properly, as I know nothing else that can accurately tell you that.)

Now onto the next two body parts!

The Feeties!

Despite me drawing only one of them, you will probably be making two, so beware.

Ball-technique as used for head? NO, WRONG! We'll be using the same technique as we did for the body instead!

Start with a chain. Now, keep in mind, this'll be the length of the foot. Not width, lenght. All the way around.

The width will be how many rows you make this time + extra rows for both sides.

Leave yarn to sew with once you're done, but remember- This time you'll sew all the holes shut, so make sure you stuff the foot in between your sewing.

Once that's done, where exactly will you attach the legs?

Well, that entirely depends:

Do you want your grunt to sit?

Attach the legs to the corners that your sewing left.

(Make sure you don't leave them too dangly though. That could make them come off easier.)

Do you want them to stand?

Attach the legs to where you made your seam, a little bit a part from one another.

(You might wanna make sure you left the legs either flatter or just bigger, cause otherwise your grunt'll always need a backrest or some other type of support to stand up.)

Now, finally the last detail I'll be talking about...

The Cross!

This'll just be made by stitching, so get your needle ready again.

First, finding where the centre of the face'll be.

I mean... I already told you I suck at centring shit. If your feeties are in place, then they'll be your safest bet to tell where the face should be, probably. (If, for some reason, you don't have your feet in place, cause you wanted to place the feet according to the cross instead, then you're fresh outta luck from me, friend.)

I usually start from the bottom, as I can leave a little space from the body, and have the grunt's face be in proper place that way.

Now, sew in the way shown in this image:

(The dotted line shows the yarn that's inside the plush/not visible. It's not supposed to connect yet, hold on.)

Now, once you reach where you think the top of the cross is, come back down, but the opposite way, making a little ××××× formation.

Once your back in the bottom, you can grab your crochet needle again and pull that thread through all those exes!

Like this:

If it doesn't look proper, then do a loop around the last X and go back down. That oughta leave you with a proper line right across this grunt's face.

The crossing line do the same way, just on the opposite axis.

Now just hide the thread, and voila! By all means, the base of your grunt is now done!

Hope this was helpful or at least just interesting to read through :))

Edit: Also, forgot to mention that if you want to speed up the body-making process, then you can use longs :))

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

❛ HOTEL ROOM? ❜

with Angel Reyes.

Warnings: nsfw, brief smut described.

Word count: about 1.9k

Aurora says: this writing hasn't been edited, you may find some grammar mistakes, I'm sorry about that!

Gif credits: to the author.

Masterlist. You can subscribe to my broadcast list, to be notified whenever I post a writing!

It was a long day at the hospital and you didn't want to party. But it was EZ night, after being fully patched, and he begged you to go. Even if you know all the Mayans and have a good relationship with them, you feel totally out of place when your friend disappears. He said it was only for some minutes, but one hour has already passed and your drink is almost emptied. You could go home, but the problem is that your housemate asked you to have the house for her own tonight. Another Tinder date. So now, you're freezing because EZ kept your hoodie, sitting on the porch and not knowing where you are going to sleep tonight. Your last option? Search for a hotel room.

Heavily sighing you grab your phone from a pocket of your shorts, curling your body over the couch looking for some warmth. Typing over the screen, you wait for the results. Thirty dollars per night. EZ and Melissa are going to pay for that. Taking off your wallet from your bag, you hold your credit card to hire one room. At least, you will enjoy a good breakfast tomorrow. You don't notice Angel's presence until he asks you what you are doing. Turning your face towards him, you find the oldest Reyes with an arm on one of Vicki's girls shoulders. Mumbling nonsense words, you end up shrugging. If you tell him about your new adventure, he will scold you for not asking him first. But you're weak, and if you stay alone with him, you're going to screw up things between you two.

Before you can't stop him, Angel has grabbed your phone, leaving the girl in the background visibly annoyed. Licking your lips, he looks at you frowning. That look is also enough for the other woman to abandon the porch. Keeping your phone in his back pocket, he takes off his kutte holding it between his legs to offer you his hoodie. Puckering your lips ashamed, you take it to wear it. His smells almost dizzies you, closing the zip over your abdomen and your chest. The warmth of his body concentrated on the fabric comforts you more than anything, holding this time the hand in front of your eyes.

“C'mon, I will take you to my house”.

“You don't have to, Angel”. You whisper, even if you're really desiring it. “You can stay with that girl, and I can g—”.

“Nah”. He clicks his tongue, tangling your fingers with his. “I'm not gonna let you alone, as my shitty brother did”.

He's smirking at you, proud of saving the damsel in distress. Guiding you to his motorbike, he makes you wear on the helmet, assuring that it's tight grip under your chin. Putting away a lock of hair, sticking out by a side, he softly slaps the top of the helmet.

“Let's go, mami”.

The ride is shorter than you thought, clinged to his waist until the bike stops close to the building. Helping you to jump out of it, you follow Angel through the yard to the inside, going upstairs. You have been a lot of times in his house, but this time is different, because it's the first one you're alone. Standing up in the middle of the living room, the man goes to his room to come back a minute later carrying a shirt and a pair of short sweatpants.

“You can wear it, it will be more comfortable to sleep”.

“Thank you”. Whispering with a fleeting smile drawn on your lips, you hold it. “I can… sleep on the sofa”.

“Nah, bed is yours”. Shaking his head, he takes off his kutte to hang it on a chair.

That's not a good idea for you, covered by his smell and dying inside in the meantime. But you just nod, before leaving him to change your clothes. Once that you're ready, tying up your hair, you step out of his room with your new pajamas.

“Wanna beer?”

“Yeah, sure”.

“So, it's supposed that you were staying with EZ?” He asks then, opening the fridge to grab the drinks and sit with you on the sofa.

“It was supposed”. Giggling, you hold your beer to have a sip.

“A toast for my shitty lil brother boiling you”.

“Wow, that's rude!” You laugh, colliding slightly your bottle with his.

“Nah, enjoy our night. It's the first time we're alone, didn't know you?”

“Yes, I know”.

“Why? I mean, we were friends in our childhood. It's not like… you don't know me”. He sounds a little offended and confused.

“Ah… I don't know”. Putting away your gaze, you focus the moves of your fingers on the beer, shrugging somewhat nervous.

Yes, you know it. But you're not going to tell him.

“I always thought you were in love with me”. He laughs loud, shaking his head.

Your heart is jumping inside your chest, about to fly out and leave the earth's atmosphere. But when he finds you not laughing back, he almost chokes on his beer. With an incredulous gesture, he cleans his mouth with the back of his hand, licking his bottom lip. You're fucked. You just want to run away. From his house. From Santo Padre. From California. Maybe, from the United States. But he grabs your left wrist when you're about to get up.

“Are you…?” He mumbles surprised.

“Angel, I do—”.

“I thought you were just mad at me for something”. Now, the tone of his laugh turns to a happy one, confusing you. “Damn! I thought that maybe I did one of those comments that bothers you, and you just simply… kicked me out”.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to… make you feel like that”.

“So, are you actually in love with me?” Angel is still sounding surprised, putting both drinks away over the coffee table.

His ringed fingers grab your forearms making you kneel on the sofa, a little bit closer from his position. You can't barely breathe when he urges you to lie over his body, embracing you tightly as he places his whole anatomy on the sofa. Your pulse is about to stop, after speeding up too much.

“Do you wanna know a secret?”

“No…” You sob between laughs, covering your face with both hands.

He laughs louder, making his chest vibrate under yours. Turning both bodies on a side, he grabs again your wrist to discover your face. Your cheeks are burning. He's too close. Your back is stuck against the sofa and you two barely fit on it, but Angel looks comfy just like that.

“You were my crush on highschool”. He confesses chuckling, putting an arm under your neck.

“No, it's not true”.

“Yeah, it is. But I thought you and EZ were dating”.

“You think too much”. You mock him.

He nods with pursed lips.

“And didn't help at all”. Angel adds then, starting to caress your hair with soft gestures of his fingertips. Having a light deep breath, he places his head on the cushion. “So… what about you dating me?”

You have never heard him so nervous, always being so secure of himself around girls. And you can't even believe what he is asking you. Now, you're the one who feels secure, and he is the one dying inside.

“I've never had a girlfriend and I don't know what to do, but I'm sure about how many times I have to feed you and how many times I have to take you for a walk”.

“Angel, I'm not a dog!” Palming his chest, you almost roll on your back.

“You sure?” He jokes then, trying to hide the fact that you haven't answered his question yet and he's losing his calm.

“We can figure it out”. You finally say, nodding for a second.

He's smiling like a fool, using the hand on the back of your head to push you some inches closer, until your lips touch his. A soft kiss happening in the meantime that your fingers get intertwined on his shirt, and his free hand flies to your cheek. Your mouths molding perfectly, tasting the bitter mix of beer and your salivas. The pace of your heart feeling calmed, almost touching your noses when he tucks his tongue between your lips. Caressing it, you can't help but fit your body with his when his right arm surrounds tightly your waist. You don't know how many times you have dreamt with that kiss, but probably exactly as he has done.

Running out of air, Angel draws a path of wet kisses down to your jaw, sinking his face into the gap of your neck. His dense beard makes you some tickles, as his teeth getting dragged over your skin give you some soft shivers. You can't help but keep your eyes closed, biting your bottom lip while your fingers tighten the grip in his shirt. One of his hands, placed now on your ass, roams the back of your thigh to urge you to raise up your leg over his, settling himself almost under your body.

“Do you still want to sleep alone?” He whispers against your skin, bristling it with his warm breath.

“No”. You gasp unconsciously as soon as he starts to rock his hips with slow moves.

The hardness under his jeans is perfectly seated against your center, enjoying the friction his anatomy does to yours.

“Who you wanna sleep with, baby?” He asks, clearly teasing you, knowing how much he wants to hear it.

“I wanna sleep with my boyfriend”. You can feel the smile on his lips growing up, because his mouth is still pressed on your neck.

Sticking out his face from his hiding place, Angel kisses you again, turning you on your back. With him lying over you, his pelvis can go somewhat deeper into your legs, finally making you moan just with a simple move. The clothes are hindering you more than anything, but seems like he loves to play with you. And you're no one to ask him to stop, aren't you?

“Does mi preciosa novia want to be fucked by his amazing boyfriend?” His ringed fingers are nailed on your sides, securing you against the sofa, to thrust his hard rock to your needed pussy already wet for him.

“Yes, please…”

“Do you like how it sounds, ah?”

You just nod, feeling his right hand traveling down the fabric of the shirt, finding the waistband of the sweatpants. He doesn't lose time on sliding it under your clothes, grunting because of the heat flooding from your core. But he just caress your folds, impregnating his digits with your juices to bring it to his mouth. Barely gulping, you watch him sucking his own fingers and his eyes getting darker.

“You taste so fucking good, mi reina”. He gasps onto your lips.

And you don't need to be asked to. Gripping his wrist, you take his fingers into your mouth. Your lips closing around it and your head bowing up and down slowly. His orbs are glued on yours, as your tongue tastes his skin. Angel bites his bottom lip using his incisors, seeing how his Adam's apple moves in his throat by gulping his own saliva.

“Fuck my life…” He babbles, enraptured by the way your lips suck his fingers.

“Fuck me, Angel”. You correct him, looking now for his mouth.

[iridescentides]

Hello how did u edit and add subtitles to ur gifs

hi friend! thank you for coming to me with this question.

idk if you’re asking about the whole editing process or just adding subtitles, so before i go in depth about caption text, i wanna direct you towards my gif resources masterpost, where i compiled and organized a bunch of tutorials for different gif making processes. if your question isn’t answered here, its probably answered somewhere on there.

adding captions/subtitles to gifs: a detailed tutorial

(if this tutorial helps you in any way, please REBLOG it)

okay so when it comes to adding text to a gif it varies slightly whether you’re using frames or the timeline. i heavily recommend using the timeline function over frames just in general bc it allows for a lot more flexibility, ease, and precision with each effect that you add.

how to convert your gif from frames to timeline

when you add caption text to a gif, you wanna make sure you’ve resized the gif first. here’s a quick guide to gif dimensions. additionally, always make sure that your text layer is above all of your editing/coloring layers.

after resizing and editing, go ahead and click the lil text icon in the tools panel on the left.

your cursor will change shape, and and then you can draw a text box on your gif. it will fill with placeholder text at first:

press ctrl+a to select all the text in the box and backspace to delete it. type in your caption text:

select all the text again and press the center icon (1) at the top of the screen to center it within the box. once you’ve done that, click the check mark (2) to tell photoshop you’re done editing the text:

now that your text is centered within the box, it’s time to center it horizontally on the gif. switch to the move tool:

and make sure your text layer is selected in the layers panel:

press ctrl+a. your entire gif should have a dashed line around it. press the center icon at the top:

(pro tip: this will work for any type of layer you want to center, not just text.)

from there, use the arrow keys to scoot your text up or down to whatever distance from the bottom you prefer:

now, let’s get into specifics like fonts, sizes, and shadows that will help make your text more clear and readable.

click the text tool icon again, click your text box, and press ctrl+a to select all your text. these are my preferred caption text settings:

i use arial rounded MT bold font, 17pt for full size (540px width) gifs and 14pt for smaller gifs. i use the “faux italic” setting to add a slight slant. 

next, let’s talk about blending. drop shadows and strokes are essential for helping your caption text show up clearly on any gif. right click on your text layer in the layers panel and click “blending options...” OR just double click your text layer.

these are my preferred blending settings for caption text:

click “ok” in the top right of the panel to save the settings onto your text layer.

all right! you’re almost there! the last thing to do (if you’re editing in timeline) is to make sure that the length of your text layer matches the length of your gif layer.

if your timeline looks like this:

or this:

then you’ll need to adjust the length of the text layer. to do this, click and hold the right end of the purple bar representing the text, and drag it horizontally until it matches the length of your gif layer.

and you’re done! the finished product:

hope this helped!

[sadselfhelp]

Who I Am, And Why I Created This Blog.

TRIGGER WARNINGS - Mental Illness, Self-Harm, Child Abuse, Domestic Abuse, Violence, Drug Overdose, Suicide, Psychotic Breaks. 

Take a walk with me, let me show you around the mind of The Sad Hatter.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I'm standing on a cliff's edge and I'm either going to plummet or I'm going to fly. It's been building inside me for a long time, and I can't contain it anymore. So here it is, here's me laid bare, because I need to say this, I need to put it into words. I need to purge it all. To try and make sense of all of this shit in my brain, I think it's time I organize it. I don't know where to begin, but I guess I start at the beginning and make use of the ability to edit.

Before you read this, please be aware of the trigger warnings. And please understand that this is the most honest and open I have been, I really am stripped bare in this piece of writing. It’s not at all pretty, and am I not guiltless in parts. This may well alter whatever opinion you have of me. 

I guess the beginning is birth, right? But I don't want to rehash all that trauma, so let me speed through it. Twenty-Eight years ago I was born, violently. I'm serious, I ripped my way out of the womb, and tore that thing apart. I guess I can sort of understand why my mother couldn't love me after that was my first act, collapsing her womb. So let me speedrun this part of the story. Mum didn't want me, gave me to my dad who raised me as a single parent with the help of his parents, until he met my stepmother. Shockingly, she didn't want me either, but because she couldn't get rid of me she decided to physical and psychological torture was the next best thing. 

When I was eleven years old I snapped and didn't want to put up with it anymore, so I wrote a goodbye note and then snuck into the medicine cabinet and took a bunch of pills. Spoiler alert, I didn't die. I did however end up in a children's home, cue more abuse, little bit of bullying and sexual assault etc.... I snapped again, but instead of turning my anger inwards, I became an absolute bastard. Ok, I still turned it inwards a bit, I had a lot of anger, and now I have a few hundred scars to prove it. But, it turns out that violence can beget violence, and I acted out in every possible way. Racked up a horrifying rap sheet, assault, vandalism, arson, and finally... GBH. I was supposed to get put in a secure unit (child prison – Scottish Edition) but I was always able to talk myself out of trouble. 

See, I was this tiny little white girl with big sad eyes and a hell of a sob story, even at the bottom of the food chain I still had privilege. So instead of getting locked up, I just got sent to a different home. And here's the really messed up part, this home was better. The staff were nicer, and nobody hurt me. My behavior literally changed overnight. I went from being charged by the police on a weekly basis, to never getting so much as a pocket money sanction. I will never excuse my actions, nor condone them, but after years of guilt I finally realized that the bad things I did were in retaliation to a bad situation, and though I wasn’t acting like a good person, I’m not a bad person, just a messed up one. 

I still refused to go to school though, because though I didn't yet know it at the time, I had severe social anxiety. I was smart, a little too smart to be honest, and I found myself thriving with a private tutor. When the time came to sit my exams, someone fucked up, and despite having record breaking test scores on the pre-exams, I never actually got to sit my standard grades (think SAT's – Scottish Edition). I'm still bitter about that. So by this point in the story, I'm 16, and legally an adult, too old for a children's home. I got turfed to a hostel, and the next few parts of the story are pretty fuzzy to me. 

This is where my mental health really started to deteriorate. I bounced between homeless hostels and B&B's for a year or so, until I got a my first flat/apartment. By that point, I was utterly fucked in the head. I was blacking out frequently, for anywhere between a couple of minutes to three days. I would come back to myself in sometimes compromising positions, and once there was blood. A lot of blood, splashed all over the walls. Then there was the time I suddenly found myself standing in the kitchen, about to plunge a knife into my own chest.

Nobody ever did tell me what the hell that was about. Or maybe they did and I just... forgot? But because I was extremely suicidal, a doctor finally decided to do something, and the police and the paramedics came to my door to take me to the psychiatric hospital. I spent ten months there while I cycled through various anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, and was 'rehabilitated into society'. The second I was out, I made the worst decision I have ever made in my life. If I can give you one piece of advice, one lesson to take from my shitshow of a life, it's this: Don't move hundreds of miles away to be with the guy you met online while you were having a psychotic break.

I've never really thought of myself as a victim, but I guess I'm the only one who saw it that way. Ben, that was his name, Ben was a monster, and I didn't know it until it was too late. He never hit me, never lifted a hand to me, he never had to. He could put a knife in my hand and make me hurt myself for his entertainment. I had told him everything, so he knew exactly how to break me down, how to make me want to bleed. He locked me in a house and used me up. And when I had enough, and tried to break free of him, he would just tell the police I was mentally ill and they would smile sympathetically and give me back to him.

But then my dad had a breakdown. My dad, who when he found out what my stepmother was doing to me, buried his head in the sand and packed my little suitcase for me. I hadn't spoken to him in a while until he reached out from the same psychiatric ward I had not long vacated. He had cracked under the realization that I had never lied about her, and the guilt broke him apart. I could have hated him, if it had happened a few years earlier then I would have. But I had experienced enough of the world to learn a few things, like how easily it is to fuck up, and that no matter how strong you are, you aren't immune to monsters. The truth was he was as much a victim of her evil as I was. She had manipulated him, played with his head, used his insecurities against him. So I helped him through his issues, the way I wished someone had helped me. That doesn't really make me a good person, it just makes me human.

But my dad got better, and found his footing. And when he did, he realized something wasn't right with me, and I told him the truth about Ben. My dad had left me to suffer at the hands of an abuser once before, and he wasn't going to allow it to happen again. He came and got me, and he took me home. He moved me in with him, gave me his bed and slept on the couch. After a couple of months, he helped me get my own place.

And that's the happy ending, right? All the trauma was over, I was safe, that's where the story should end. Right? I bet you're not naive enough to believe that, but I sure as hell was. I thought I would recover and that everything would be ok. I thought that with safety, there would come the chance to heal. I thought my wounds would scab over, and I would have my scars but at least I would be able to move without bleeding out. But that's not how trauma works. I had two decades worth of trauma, abuse, and hell.

I just... faded. I didn't crack, I didn't crumble, I didn't break, I just stopped. For five years I sat in one room of my home, drowning inside myself. Last year I got handed a lifeline, and now I live somewhere better. I'm not really allowed to live independently so I actually live in kind of retirement village of all places. I have my own house, but it's got intercoms and emergency cords everywhere, I get checked on daily by on on-site worker. And I'm trying to get better, I really am. It's just not that easy.

There's more to the whole story that I maybe should have put in, like the fact that my mother was a drug addict when she was pregnant with me, and that may have been the reason some of my organs didn't properly form and/or formed wrong. My lung split in half when I was a baby, and parts of my stomach are missing. Or that my mother is full on batshit insane. I could have had a perfect childhood and I still would have been mentally ill. Hell, I was seeing psychologists at five years old. Take my sketchy genetics, add twenty years of severe traumas, and well... I'm a little fucked up. Because a lot of medical conditions use acronyms, my full list of diagnosis looks like I'm collecting the fucking alphabet.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), and Agoraphobia. I also have a Pulmonary Sequestration, Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, the stomach and lung issues. Immune Hemolytic Anemia, I'm basically allergic to my own blood. Plus, ya know, my liver recently decided to just fucking nope out, the pissy lil bitch is failing. I also may or may not have cancer, I don't know because I pussied out of the tests. At this point I am a walking, decaying corpse that is held together by glitter glue and bitterness.

So... why exactly am I writing this? And why am I even considering posting this? I mean, my problems aren't as bad as some other people's. We've all got shit to deal with, especially in 2020. The whole world is falling apart, so what right do I have to sit here pouting and pouring my problems out? Well, for a start, I guess this is my blog, I can post whatever, and it's up to everyone else if they read it.

So here it is, you have the backstory, so here's what it's all been leading up to.

I'm struggling. Like, really struggling. I'm stuck on this cliff, and I want off, any way I can. Whether I fall or fly, I just want free. I can't live like this anymore, because I can't breathe.

The fucking agonizing duality of being socially anxious and too easily overstimulated, and yet feeling fucking empty inside if you're not surrounded by action and noise. The world is too noisy for my brain, but my brain is too noisy for the world. I get antsy if I'm not doing at least a thousand different tasks, but I get overwhelmed if I try to do anything at all. It leads to short bursts of mania, followed by weeks of depression. But underneath all of that, under all the dramatic showboating, and the dark humor, under all the bravado... I'm really just sad.

Years ago, when I first came up with the moniker "The Sad Hatter", I said it was because I may be mad, but my madness was born of sadness. I'm just sad. I carry it with me where my heart should be. So I named myself Sad, and I put on the hat, and I wore my sadness like armor, turned it into an act, and made a spectacle of it. "I'm The Sad Hatter, and I'm mentally ill but that's alright, I'm going to be just fine!" I told you all I had my issues, and I'll come close to opening up about how bad those issues are, I'll give little chunks of information at intermittent intervals, and then two hours later I'll act like it never happened. I'll admit I was close to killing myself, and then two days later I'll post dog photo's and act like I'm all better.

I'm writing this because I'm sad. And tomorrow, I'll act like I'm not. But when I waver again, I'll come back here and I'll open up again. And along the way, maybe you're reading this and realizing you aren't alone in feeling overwhelmed. Maybe you're realizing you're not the only one who isn't healing neatly and in a timely manner. Maybe you're reading this and gaining some insight into the struggles someone you care about is facing. Maybe my opening up is can help somebody else, I really hope so, but I know it's helping one person. It's helping me.

This blog, it's about living with myself. It's about living with The Sad Hatter.

[bobbystompy]

My Top 88 Songs Of 2020

Previously: 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011

Though we couldn’t get as trim as last year’s 75, still very happy to keep this under 100 for the second year in a row. This was a very difficult year in many ways, but music helped make it more bearable.

As always, criteria and info:

This is a list of what I personally like, not ones I’m saying are the “best” from the year; more subjective than objective

No artist is featured more than once

If it comes down to choosing between two songs, I try to give more weight to a single or featured track

Each song on the list is linked in the title if you wanna check them out for yourself; there is also a Spotify playlist at the bottom that includes the majority of the songs

Usually a pump up video goes here, but 2020 had a different energy, so Michael, take us in.

88) Katy Perry - “Smile”

Even Katy Perry’s good songs are a swirling spiral of maxed out auto-tune. This one is just fine. It’s... fine.

87) All Time Low - “Trouble Is...”

Is All Time Low the Katy Perry of pop punk?

86) Tee Grizzley f/ Payroll Giovanni - “Payroll”

I have never heard of Payroll Giovanni, but I have two questions:

1) Is this his song, and he got Tee to jump on it?

2) Or, did Tee write a song called “Payroll” and think to himself “You know who would be great on this? Payroll Giovanni!”

Favorite stretch:

Listen, we is not the same, you say "door", I say "dough" You say "floor", I say "flow", you say "for sure", I say "fa'sho"

85) Lady Gaga & Ariana Grande - “Rain On Me”

Coming out in 2020 probably hurt this song, because I have no, like, out of the house memories with it. You can only have so much fun with Big Singers Singing over a pulsing beat when it’s coming from the phone in your kitchen as you’re indifferently scrambling eggs.

84) Benjamin Gibbard - “Life In Quarantine”

Now this is a song you can do nothing to; almost feels like it’s reluctant to even exist. It got released in March of 2020, so the outro (“No one is going anywhere soon”) served as a too sad reminder/mantra for what the year was about to be. Second shout out to Gibbard for the many YouTube sets he put together during the early stages of the pandemic (when so many of his peers were trying to figure out the next move).

83) Cardi B f/ Megan Thee Stallion - “WAP”

This felt less like a song and more of a “whoa, did you see the music video?!” and/or a means to relitigate the eternal question “What is the sexual line in music?” And while it was fun to watch people freak the fuck out... the quality itself really needed to be better.

(Note: YouTube video is the edited chorus; explicit version here)

82) McKayla Maroney - “Wake Up Call”

Former Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney -- of medals and memes fame -- dips her toe into the music waters. It’s inside-the-box modern pop music. One thing that’s hard to escape: it doesn’t really sound like her.

81) Chelsea Cutler - “Sad Tonight”

He vocals really remind me of Alessia Cara.

80) blink-182 - “Quarantine”

Blink doing a Bad Religion impression. Docked a few points for the very weak chorus lyrics (“Quarantine, fuck this disease”). That said, as serious as the song comes off, there are some clever punchlines to be found.

79) Dave Hause & Brian Fallon - “Long Ride Home”

This is kind of a nothing song, but it’s easy listening. Also, if your guitar leads can’t clear the “Could Bobby have written or performed this?” bar, then said leads are probably pretty weak.

78) Travis Scott & Kid Cudi - “THE SCOTTS”

Two artists who pair so well together, it’s hard to tell who exudes more influence on the track (eh, that’s not true, it’s Travis Scott, but Kid Cudi is more of a roommate than guest). They want you to be high by the time the instrumental outro hits.

77) The Strokes - “Bad Decisions”

The beginning sound feels somewhat evolved, but by the time Julian Casablancas croons “Making bad decisions”, the song feels like it could be on their debut album “Is This It?”. And it goes in and out like that from there.

76) Thundercat - “Dragonball Durag”

Thundercat is one of those artists I wish I liked more, but when the occasional track does hit, it’s a momentary glimpse into what real fans seem to always see.

75) TI f/ Lil Baby - “Pardon”

Standard fare. Lil Baby’s cameo is very meh.

74) Porches - “Do U Wanna”

For a song that repeatedly asks “Do you want to dance?”, it sure makes you feel like you’re moving in slow motion.

73) NOFX - “Thatcher Fucked The Kids” 

On the best-named album of the year (“West Coast vs. Wessex”), Frank Turner and NOFX cover each other’s material. To start us off, the legends take a song from 12 years ago about British politics from 40 years ago and, well, very easily apply it to right god damn now in America.

72) The Bombpops - “Dearly Departed”

Ahh, my year’s first cancelled concert. The listed names in V1 always make me want to skip this song -- but patience, grasshopper. Chorus is aight.

71) Ratboys - “Alien With A Sleep Mask On”

This band name will never match what the music sounds like.

70) Rolling Blackouts Coastal Fever - “She’s There”

The vocals in this song channel, like, four completely different singers for me, ranging from Bob Dylan to Cloud Nothings.

69) NOBRO - “Don’t Die”

An anthemic chorus meant to be belted in a room with sweaty strangers.

68) Oliver Tree f/ blink-182 - “Let Me Down”

The original solo version of this song is 1:52, and though the blink cameo pushes it over the dreaded two minute mark, it adds enough diversity to justify the choice (keep an eye out for the quick Green Day lyrical nod in the back half).

67) AJJ - “Normalization Blues”

This dropped in January, and if you thought the year was bad then. Punk News:

I'll admit I do want the album to age badly because I really don't want to have to listen to it years later and still say this is the world we're living in.

Said album being titled “Good Luck Everybody” is straight cryptic.

66) Selena Gomez - “Rare”

Very chill for big pop; triplet rhythm singing in the chorus gets me erry time.

65) Kid Cudi & Eminem - “The Adventures Of Moon Man & Slim Shady”

Cudi’s second split collab yields bigger results than his Travis Scott joint (admittedly with a worse beat here). It rarely ever hurts to let Eminem do the heavy lifting.

64) Alkaline Trio - “Smokestack”

A little cheerier than the average Alk3 song, but Dan Andriano seems like he’s been in a great place for a long time now; confident and in control. For me, the whole song builds up to the “You changed my life” chorus.

63) Frank Turner - “Scavenger Type”

Here, Frank takes on the acoustic closer to NOFX’s legendary 1994 album “Punk In Drublic”. Though the energy boost is most noticeable, my favorite part is how you can hear how much Turner loves this song as his melody bursts on the verses.

62) Mike Posner - “Alone In A Mansion”

Mike Posner, an artist I have a very soft spot for, released a storytelling concept album in 2020. From the intro track:

This album was written, recorded, and produced over a period of two weeks in Detroit, Michigan in my parents' basement. It's meant to be listened to all the way through. At least on the first listen. And it's about 36 minutes long. If you can't devote 36 minutes of undivided attention to this album, I again politely ask that you turn it off and return at a later time. I love you and I thank you for taking the time to listen in the first place. Also, it's important to note that the characters and the stories in this album are completely fictional. In addition, anyone struggling with a mental illness - depression, schizophrenia - should not listen to this album. Turn it off.

So those are the stakes. Pulling this song -- the record’s closer -- feels unfair void of context, but them’s the breaks.

61) Nada Surf - “Just Wait”

Heavy hitting chorus without having to be heavy; this could really work in a movie.

60) Matt Pond PA - “Wild Heart”

This having only 805 views on YouTube is criminal.

59) Liquid Death - “Unnecessary And Unimpressive”

Liquid Death -- in this iteration -- is a punk rock supergroup with members of Rise Against, Anti-Flag, The Lawrence Arms, and The Bombpops. If that didn’t interest you enough, all lyrics in the project (which, I believe, is for charity) come from hateful comments or negative reviews. Of the four artists involved, this sounds most like a Bombpops song, with Jen on lead vocals as others chime in.

58) PUP - “Rot”

Off my silver medalist for album name of the year (“This Place Sucks Ass”), PUP doesn’t do anything new here, but it was relieving to see them still going in 2020 when so many others got roadblocked, both physically and creatively.

57) Paul Harrold and the Nuclear Bandits - “Massanutten”

This reminds me of local Chicago artist Al Scorch. So much earnestness in the vocals, but a little more prairie for Harrold compared to speakeasy for Scorch. This would be a good road trip song. And I’m not talking about singalong... more for the stretch where you want to sit in silence and look out at the sun-kissed land blazing by. The song’s greatest victory is getting me to like something that cracks 6:00.

Note to future me: Massanutten is in Virginia (saved you a Google).

56) Kesha f/ Sturgill Simpson, Brian Wilson & Wrabel - “Resentment”

Kesha has been vulnerable in the past but never this stripped down sonically; the chorus would feel right at home on a country radio station. Love a good bridge, too.

55) Megan Thee Stallion f/ Beyoncé - “Savage (Remix)”

An up-and-comer pairing with a legend rarely lets down when both sides are this locked in. Bey wins. Fav line: “If you don't jump to put jeans on, baby, you don't feel my pain”.

She matches flows with Megan but also brings melody. Her blessing takes this song from pretty damn good to undeniably great.

That beat, too.

54) Red City Radio - “Baby Of The Year”

If all you want to do right now is grab a drink in a bar, here is a video built to troll.

(Also: a Liquid Death cameo?!)

53) Nathaniel Rateliff - “And It’s Still Alright”

The last time Mr. Rateliff had our attention, he just wanted a drink. That hit had a chorus with the very-sad-when-removed-from-the-song “If I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away” lyric. Well, our man got sober since. And when the party is over, the introspection comes.

52) Direct Hit! - “HAVE YOU SEEN IT?”

Listening to slowed down Direct Hit! is like watching Usain Bolt lightly jog. It kinda makes sense because the core action is there, but it also feels sort of incorrect.

51) Hayley Williams - “Dead Horse”

Solo Hayley songs have this feel like they could do anything at any time... but then don’t. This one does the same until a very fun chorus breaks it up.

50) Kid Cudi f/ Phoebe Bridgers - “Lovin�� Me”

Probably the most improbable collab on this list (if 2020 hadn’t repeatedly taught us to not be surprised by anything).

49) The Homeless Gospel Choir - “Don’t Compare”

Listening to The Homeless Gospel Choir is kind of like getting a dedicated pep talk from a good friend... while fire rains down from the sky.

48) Carly Rae Jepsen - “Let’s Sort The Whole Thing Out”

Queen vocals with one prince of a tempo; this chorus is Sour Patch Kids riding Twix logs down a soda pop waterfall -- and it’s a b-side.

47) Green Day - “Meet Me On The Roof”

I like this song because it reminds me of summer and because it doesn’t really sound like Green Day (but still totally does).

46) Broadway Calls - “Meet Me On The Moon”

Promise -- swear -- I was gonna compare this Broadway Calls song to Green Day before realizing they both had titles about meeting in an escalated location. That said, I did put them next together on purpose to more coherently make this point.

45) David Rokos - “Building Bridges”

My buddy Dave wrote this song, and I think I’ve asked him three times what “burning sugar” meant (he says it’s a reference to absinthe). This song will make you want to travel to enjoy not only the places but the people around you.

44) Charli XCX - “claws”

Charli XCX keeps it futuristic in a video that could be described as sexy, cheesy, goofy, and playful-yet-serious.

43) Brian Fallon - “Lonely For You Only”

This is too easy and should not work (and maybe doesn’t). But that chorus... that circular phrasing... it still takes me all the way out. But I’m the same cat who proposed while a Gaslight Anthem cover was playing.

42) Waxahatchee - “Fire”

This song could be in a different language and hit just as hard.

41) Harry Styles - “Adore You”

Purifying pop.

40) Local H - “Hold That Thought”

Hardest rock song thus far. Local H was one of the first artists to play “live” once the lockdown hit (on a simultaneous YouTube/Facebook stream), and watching them attack music in their Chicago practice bunker felt a little bit like taking in the end of the world. New songs, old songs, covers -- it didn’t matter; their cool, unmatched apathy fits a pandemic or peacetime.

Ironically, was able to see them live in 2020, as they played a socially distanced, outdoor drive up concert in a minor league baseball parking lot. It wasn’t the same, but it was still something.

39) Crazy & The Brains - “I Don’t Deliver Pizza Anymore”

This song is just cool*. The verses feel tense and crucial, it starts to unspool in the pre-chorus, and the chorus itself feels like a light comedown more than anything else.

(* -  though the lyric video is docked some points for spelling y’all as “ya’ll”)

38) Drake f/ Fivio Foreign & Sosa Geek - “Demons”

Menacing Drizzy can be very fun from time to time. Also more than happy to keep “Toosie Slide” very far away from this list.

37) Hey Dad!!! - “Life’s Alright”

Small band, big song; though summer feels light-years away.

36) insignificant other - “i’m so glad i feel this way about you”

This song lands a big haymaker in the first few seconds, so it was probably a good call to pull back some for the chorus and, eventually, outro.

35) BTS - “Dynamite”

Heard they made the lyrics bad on purpose for their English hit, which makes sense, because they’re bad. That said, if you listen knowing they’re supposed to be bad, it kinda makes them... good? Listen, 771 million views would have me singing nursery rhymes in Pig Latin.

34) DaBaby f/ RODDY RICCH - “ROCKSTAR”

Someone said this could be the song of the summer, but, because there wasn’t really a summer, I feel like I only heard it once all year. Also, are we really pretending Post Malone* didn’t just do a “like a rockstar” song three years ago?

(* - and N.E.R.D. before that and Cypress Hill before that... though N.E.R.D. only waiting a year after Cypress, so maybe DaBaby actually was patient)

33) The Front Bottoms - “the hard way”

Don’t take it easy on the animal / I am the animal

Not quite sure what this line means, but I fixate on the phrasing every single time. This song sounds resigned in a very self-aware way.

32) The 1975 - “If You’re Too Shy (Let Me Know)”

For a band called The 1975, they sure sound like they’re on their ‘80s shit here. Also, a real thing that happened:

Me: Is he coercing her to get naked?! I thought this band was woke.

/scans lyrics

/notices “She said” before the “Maybe I would like you better if you took off your clothes” line

Me: Ahh.

Sax solo, take us out.

31) Charly Bliss & PUP - “It’s Christmas And I Fucking Miss You”

A song that is already a forever staple on all my future Xmas playlists.

30) 2 Chainz f/ Ty Dolla $ign & Lil Duval - “Can’t Go For That”

Shorty said she love me / I said “I love me back”

This is a real genre blur; rap at its core, but also soulful, funky, and very danceable. Damn creative.

29) Billie Eilish - “Therefore I Am”

Billie's 2020 gave a few singles -- but no new album -- and a body shaming scandal where the backlash to the backlash probably caused more headlines than the tweet that started it all. Still, she stays on cruise control above the clouds; can all eyes be on you if they can’t even make you out?

Video for this is fun, too. Not sure if her running amok in an empty mall is more of a COVID necessity or commentary on the dying retail industry. As always with her, fill in your own blanks for now.

28) Future f/ Drake - “Life Is Good”

This was my most listened to rap song in the first half of the year, and bumping again now, almost forgot how good it is. Drake just chasing one-liner Instagram captions in the first half:

- “Haven’t done my taxes, I’m too turnt up”

- “N****s caught me slipping once, OK, so what?”

- “B****, this is fame not clout, I don’t even know what that’s about”

And, of course, “Workin’ on the weekend like usual”. The man could make anything glamorous. Let’s hit that H&R Block, bro!

Future’s back half is a totally different song and feels mostly like noise, but the vibe is cool, so I don’t even totally mean that in a bad way. You can even make out a “Got Promethazine in my blood and Percocet” lyric to mark your Future bingo card and immediately move on.

27) I’m Glad It’s You - “The Silver Cord”

This song feels like cold air blowing on the back of your neck.

(Sidebar: thought this band was called The Silver Cord until literally right now)

26) The Spill Canvas - “Mercy”

A dreamy, distorted, at-home version of whatever you remember The Spill Canvas sounding like. This song is confessional and at peace, with the Grade A self-loathing we’ve come to love from this band.

25) 100 gecs f/ Charli XCX, Rico Nasty & Kero Kero Bonito - “ringtone (remix)”

100 gecs first hit my radar with the explosively obnoxious “money machine”, but that’s a 2019er, so this remix to “ringtone” will have to do. It’s catchy like a younger sibling persistently singing a song you’re sick of hearing*.

(* - /only child trying to work in sibling analogies)

24) iann dior f/ Machine Gun Kelly & Travis Barker - “Sick And Tired”

Iann Dior -- ...yeah -- channels Juice WRLD on the hook, and MGK/Travis Barker buoy a track that, honestly, doesn’t really even need the help.

23) Nick Lutsko - “Unleash Your Spirit”

Lutsko hit my radar on Twitter with some legendary political anthems (word to the RNC and Dan Bongino + his Dashboard Trump parody). “Unleash Your Spirit” is the song I most fear hearing (or even thinking of) within a few minutes of going to bed. Not because it’s Halloween theme is scary -- because it’s that god damn catchy. It permeates your brain. True story: a week ago, I woke up in the middle of the night with “Bobbing for apples with the boys” so ingrained in my head, it felt like someone was standing there yelling it through a megaphone.

22) Dogleg - “Kawasaki Backflip”

Bad 2020 robbed many concerts from us, and not getting to see this band live might take the cake. I end the year liking them but could have been *all in* with the right performance and the right venue. Also, Song Title of the Year until further notice.

21) Eminem f/ Juice WRLD - “Godzilla”

Eminem has all of the words and all of the lyrical dexterity, but sometimes it feels like there isn’t anything to ground him. Enter: one of the best beats he’s ever spit on and a Juice WRLD hook to give it pop angle. But let’s not put Slim in the corner -- when he starts accelerating at the end, it’s is a true “holy fuck” moment. It sounds faster than if you actually fast forwarded.

The video ends with a touching audio message from Juice WRLD.

20) Soccer Mommy - “circle the drain”

This song is so gloriously ‘90s; it leans in and does not care.

19) Sam Russo - “Always Lost”

The first time I met you, we were on the last bus You passed me a bottle, and I knew you were one of us

Took 25 words to hook me; I was txting friends before the first chorus even hit.

18) Sincere Engineer - “Trust Me”

Deanna Belos pushes her vocals in this one. I asked about the performance, and she said it was one of the first ones they recorded in the studio, but when they were done and listening back to everything, she re-did this track because her throat was much more used to what the song required.

“That’s why it sounds like I’m on roids lol,” she added.

17) Jay Electronica f/ JAY-Z - “Flux Capacitor”

Jay Electronica signed to Roc Nation in November of 2010. At of the start of 2020, he had still -- STILL HOW FUCKING STILL -- not released a debut album. When he announced it was finally dropping in February, it was met with skeptic eyes. He’d “announced” before. Shit, he’d even posted track lists of albums that never saw the light of day. He was a tease’s tease. It ended up getting a release date of March 12. As the pandemic got really bad in the March 11 zone, he finally had an actual reason to delay the proceedings (the plan: a studio live stream listening party*).

But no -- this is Jay Electronica. Why wouldn’t he drop as the world was ending? The same reason why his costar wouldn’t not have a watch like a Saudi prince. It had to end for it to happen. I wish I saved the memes, because they were fantastic. All I have is my own Twitter memory to prove it happened:

I love this song entirely: the “get the gat” hook (soooo New Orleans), Hov calling out the NFL/acquaintances clout chasing his potential death/rapping forever bars, Jay Elect’s ham-fisted and awkward ass Farrakhan line. Everything is exactly where it should be.

Final verdict on the full album: I don’t know, a B or B+? It had a lot more Jay-Z than expected (wooo), but -- and I rarely say this -- it could have actually been longer.

16) New Found Glory - “Greatest Of All Time”

NFG with a song referencing the Jordan-Rodman-Pippen Bulls only a few months before “The Last Dance” aired. Dare we call it marketing genius? The punk beat does not care; the punk beat is too busy taking souls.

15) Dave Hause f/ Amythyst Kiah & Kam Franklin - “Your Ghost”

“I can’t breathe”

On the heels of the George Floyd/BLM protests came Dave Hause’s somber attempt to capture the moment, desperation, and hurt. On a podcast, he said he was aware he might not ever lead the movement but still wanted to contribute something in an effort to use his platform as a white artist to change someone, anyone’s mind going forward.

14) Taylor Swift - “this me trying”

The chorus makes me feel like the crowd is parting like the Red Sea on a high school -- shit, no, middle school -- dance floor; smoke machine and all. Your crush is waiting for you on the other side. What are you going to say?

13) Phoebe Bridgers - “Kyoto”

Phoebe is one of the best lyricists out because of her specificity, but even though this song is about her dad, you can really fit it to your own narrative.

12) The Lawrence Arms - “Last, Last Words”

The Lawrence Arms wrote their new record (which singer Chris McCaughan described as “this end of the world outpost”) prior to the pandemic, but once you start to process album themes -- and research its namesake -- you do wonder. All of this, combined with some “Catcher In The Rye” references, and we’ve got ourselves a winning formula.

Dressed to kill for oblivion 

11) New Lenox - “Fairytale Of Gary, Indiana”

Your boy plays drums and is on the cover art for this one. Dave Rokos wrote the tune, which references The Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York”. Good news: no slurs in the Gary version. We’ll have you in and out in 90 seconds. Also: say hello to the recording debut of Alisa Caruso (some backup vox at the end). 

10) Beach Slang - “Tommy In The 80s”

My most played song of 2020, but it really was more of a byproduct of how early in the year the album dropped. I’m still such a sucker for it, though. Other than forced nostalgia, not totally sure what the track is about. Did learn Beach Slang recruited former Replacements bassist Tommy Stinson to play on their LP, which was named -- /deepest of breaths -- “The Deadbeat Bang of Heartbreak City” (so maybe it has something to do with that).

9) Juice WRLD f/ Mashmello - “Come & Go”

The :55 mark. Wait until the :55 mark. When the guitar kicks in and tempo doubles, we have a real “oh, shit!” moment. I knew who Juice was when he passed but only “Liquid Dreams”. His 2020 album (“Legends Never Die”) showed us of what could have been; 55 minutes, loaded with cameos and creativity and experimentation. This song had me in its gravitational pull immediately. By the end of the year, they were using it on sports broadcasts, and it felt like a ubiquitous part of the culture.

One of my favorite days of 2020 was visiting the Juice mural in Chicago with my wife. We went impulsively during the day after someone posted a picture on Twitter.

I snapped one of my own and posted to IG with the Signals Midwest lyric “There is such quiet grace in private moments in public spaces”. The band responded with “RIP JUICE”; the perfect online exchange.

Shortly after, I was out with a different group of friends, and we went back at night. This time, it was protected by a fence you had to squeeze past. When we got through, there were kids in there smoking, taking pictures, just hanging out; empty liquor bottles lined the bottom of the mural. Even though it didn’t take all that long to make it there, it still felt like a journey and total ‘movie moment in real life’; a complete rarity in a year like 2020.

8) Mac Miller - “Good News”

Maybe I’ll lay down for a little...

Sadly continuing the theme of artists gone too soon, we have this reflective Mac Miller single, which feels more like self-eulogy than traditional rap. You feel it the entire time. The song crests with “There’s a whole lot more for me waitin’ on the other side”, and it conveys a readiness for whatever happens next.

7) The Dirty Nil - “Done With Drugs”

I don’t pray to Jesus or even own a suit

We lost the creators of our last two songs to substances, and, if we are to take this song at face value, The Dirty Nil don’t want to go down the same path. Drying out never sounded so cool and defiant... until the IKEA suggestion.

6) The Weeknd - “Blinding Lights”

Uptempo Abel is undefeated. My favorite pop song of 2020 has you feeling like you’re speeding through the empty streets of nighttime Las Vegas in a stolen car; indifferent to your environment, only tuned in to your personal desire.

And, on the lamer side of the spectrum, it spawned a catchy TikTok dance.

5) Spanish Love Songs - “Self-Destruction (As A Sensible Career Choice)”

It won’t be this bleak forever... yeah, right.

SLS has always been over-the-top with their lyrics spotlighting the hopelessness of the human condition -- so it was the *perfect* combo to being locked inside with nothing looking to forward to. Bonus: fun cake video.

Though the song’s core is uncut despair, a random moment I remember from 2020 was my wife telling me “I can hear you smiling as you’re singing” from another room as I belted the despondent chorus.

4) Worst Party Ever - “False Teeth”

This song sounds like The Front Bottoms; insecure yet so full.

3) Run The Jewels - “the ground below”

There were a lot of songs *about* 2020, but I’m not sure any artist soundtracked what being alive now is like more than RTJ. My favorite rap song and rap record of 2020.

Fav Killer Mike line: “Not a holy man, but I'm moral in my perversiveness / So I support the sex workers unionizing their services”

Fav El-P line: “I'll slap a dying child he don't pronounce my name correct”

2) The Menzingers - “America Pt. 2″

The Menzingers unexpectedly released an acoustic, re-done version of 2019′s “America (You’re Freaking Me Out)” single. It dropped on my birthday -- June 5th, 2020 -- as the rage in this country boiled over and protesters took to the streets. Though some of the lyrics remained the same, the new ones were changed with true purpose:

Well George Floyd was murdered by a cop The whole world saw the video and watched Now justice is long overdue Grab your pitchforks, we’re heading to Pennsylvania Avenue

I had nothing left when the first pre-chorus hit: “I hope the Devil and Donald and Mitch McConnell rot in hell for all tomorrows”. Tattoo this on my fucking soul.

All funds from the song were donated to Community Bail Funds (via Act Blue) & Campaign Zero. I purchased the track before hearing a note.

1) Machine Gun Kelly - “My Bloody Valentine”

Going into the year, I couldn’t tell you the difference between Machine Gun Kelly and Mac Miller -- now they’re both fixtures in this Top 10. All I really knew about MGK involved tattoos and a rap battle lost to Eminem (not that anyone ever beats Eminem).

In 2020, he took a punk/emo turn, with the services of GOAT drummer Travis Barker and new squeeze Megan Fox at his side. This song’s lyrics could potentially be cheesy but aren’t -- they all land. From the simulation going bad to not wanting “fake love” to all the damn second guessing and the earnestness that just won’t let you off the mat.

Every piece to the puzzle adds something: the messy hair, the Ken doll build, the forced iconic pink guitar that now feels actually iconic. It was almost like no one had any fun this year so he could have all of it on our behalf. There’s a half second shot of him sticking his tongue our during the pre-chorus, a joy 99.99% of us never got to feel.

The album itself was just as fantastic*; a 2000′s pop punk throwback with a Halsey duet, horrible skits (hi, Pete Davidson FaceTime), OpIvy lyrical nod (complete with a royalty check), a warp speed punk track that doesn’t even crack the minute mark, your token 6/8 ballad, acoustic closer (about his daughter), and some experimentation that leaves the new genre but still stays nearby; shades of Lil Peep, if he had Blink-182 as his backing band. Speaking of, please do not miss Travis’ fill at the 2:30 mark.

(* - named “Tickets To My Downfall”... woof)

MGK could get cancelled tomorrow, but we’ll always have this year in a bottle. The acoustic version of the song (sung in a lower resister), the 10 minute making of video (that I watched, uh, twice)... shit, he even turned it into a medley at the start of 2021.

It might be cliche to say “stay winning”, but when someone stacks this many W’s with no end in sight, what the fuck else do you call it? Real love.

* * *

Thank you so much for reading. Here is the Spotify playlist (includes 87 of the 88 songs).

[susiequaz12]

Like Usual

CW: Not really whump- just an emotional sad little drabble I wrote a bit ago. It’s kinda sad, but also fluffy and light if that makes sense? Some medical stuff referenced and implied and vomiting/medicine and stuff too. But that’s about it.

- - -

“Okay. Uhh- what am I wearing this time?” He asked.

“Umm- cargo shorts, with a ridiculous amount of pockets. And a Hawaiin shirt. But you look a lil dumb cause you’ve got a hoodie tied around your waist in case I get cold, and, uh- I’m in those blue shorts I got from Walmart, and my white shirt with flowers on it.” 

He laughed. “Okay, so what’s the occasion? Where are we at?”

She thought for a second. “The amusement park.” 

“The amusement park?! You mean the one across the highway? I-I could never handle that. It, it just wouldn’t work.”

She looked at him, folding her arms across her chest. “Dude, this whole scenario is imaginary anyways, just roll with it. You can do whatever.”

“Do I really have to be in a Hawaiin shirt and cargo shorts though?” He complained.

“Yes. It adds to the realism.”

“Okay then, what’s first.” 

“Food obviously, and then those little stores and the magic shows and stuff so we can digest- then all of the rides. And games in between.”

“Games?”

“Yeah, the carnival games that are rigged and make you lose all your money. You have to win me one of those ridiculously oversized stuffed animals so that it looks like I’m your spoiled girlfriend. It’s the rules. But I make you carry it around the entire time afterwards, and then it sits on my bed and I do nothing with it, but it’s a cute reminder of that one time we went to the park together and you won me that giant blue panda.”

“Wow, I thought you said this was an imaginary scenario? That sounds oddly specific to me.” He laughed, and the girl punched him in the arm. “Ouch! Careful, I’m fragile.” 

“Sorry...”

“Okay food. What are we eating?”

Her excitement perked up again. “Um, let’s see- we have to get all staples. Corn-on-the-cob of course, and those barbecue sandwiches they have, and then the cheesecake on a stick. Dip-n-dots, churros, pizza. Everything that’s so greasy it clogs your heart- And, and then deep-fried oreos! Oh! And that lemonade that thye’ve got- the one that says it’s so fresh you’d slap it!” 

She bounced up and down on the edge of the bed, visualizing all of the food in front of her. 

“Oh my gosh... deep fried oreos...” He said. “What have I been missing?” 

He sighed, but became immediately silent as his face went pale. One hand covered his mouth and the other went to his stomach as he sat up quickly. He grappled about for something, and she found the tan bowl that was on the opposite side of the bed. He gripped the sides with both hands and she held up the bottom of the bowl, her other hand rubbing his back as he emptied the contents of his stomach. Once he finished, she set the bowl on the side table, his head falling onto her shoulder, her hand still on his back.

He waved his hand. “Go on. We had just finished the food.” 

“Uh, okay- yeah. You good?”

He sat up and smiled, wiping his mouth off with the sleeve of his paper-thin gown. “Like usual.”

She nodded. “So there’s all those stores and vendors there. So, while- um, while holding hands if you wanted, we’d just walk around. And comment on the artwork and the merchandise like critics. Then we’d try on ridiculous pairs of sunglasses, or hats, and pretend that we’re actually considering buying things when in reality everything is too overpriced.”

“And I’ve spent all my money trying to win you that stupid panda.”

“Yeah!” She laughed. He smiled.

His hands reached over to hers and the two teenagers sat criss-cross-applesauce on the bed, facing each other. 

“Your hands are cold.” 

He laughed. “Yeah, they usually are.” Then he smirked- “So- exactly how dumb did I look in those sunglasses?”

“Oh, considerably. Enough that I’d almost consider buying them for you out of spite.”

His eyebrows furrowed. “You wouldn’t dare.” 

“Oh, maybe I would! After all, you wasted your money on winning me that blue panda, so I’ll waste all my money on a dumb pair of sunglasses for you.”

“As I recall from this fantasy, it wasn’t a waste- because I got you that blue panda, so you’re welcome!” He laughed, erupting from his belly. She couldn’t help but smile.

The times when he laughed were the best times the two had shared together. It helped add to the normalcy. It’s why the girl still came there almost every day after school, bringing his homework, and creating these stories. 

“So then what’s next?” He asked.

“The Ferris wheel. Obviously. It’s the best ride that there is! You get to spend a lot of time just sitting up there, and watching the view. You can see the horses at the farms in the distance, and the mountains. And then if it’s dark you can see all the stars. And then the lights from the rides below, and all of the cars and houses. It just creates this sort of eerie, and, and ethereal glow. It just sets the whole mood.” 

He was looking out the window now. It was nearing after dinner time. The cream colored curtains seemed as dead as the atmosphere as they hung loosely around the window frame. 

“You know, that’s something I could do.” He stated, never taking his eyes off of the window. “Just go outside, ride the Ferris wheel. Even just look at the stars.”

It was too cold for him to go out and look at the stars. The ground was still covered with snow and the wind was still too harsh.

She nodded. “Yeah. Maybe, maybe this summer. We’ll do it this summer.” 

He nodded but still didn’t look at the girl. 

They both knew he wasn’t going to make it till this summer. 

Shaking his head, he came back to reality. Well, their make-believe reality anyways. 

His voice was soft. “So, uh, we ride the ferris wheel. Then what?”

“Um, well…” She pushed her hand through her hair. Struggling to find words to continue the story. Her mind had gone back to the much darker reality from their make believe world. The girl sighed and took his hand again, this time it was her turn to look out the window. 

“Uh, listen. I’m, I’m sorry... I’m sorry that you can’t actually come and eat cheesecake, or deep fried oreos and crap, and- and that the park is so far away. And that this- none of this, is ever going to come close to actually being able to actually go out and do all of it, or even just coming back to school, and I’m sorry that I-”

“Shut up.” 

“What?” 

“Yeah.” He said. He fiddled with the edge of his blanket. “Shut up! Do you think I enjoy being cooped up in this hospital? Being poked and prodded, and left alone all day? I live every day having everyone feel sorry for me, I don’t need sympathy from you too.”

He sighed and she wiped away a tear that had dripped down her cheek. His voice softened.

“Don’t you think I want to go back to school? Gosh, I sound ridiculous, but I want nothing more than to have homework- and to try out for the swim team, or go to movies or the park, or just be a dumb teenager? I’m seventeen for goodness sake! I should be out going to parties, and driving around town, and taking the ACTs, and, and taking you to Prom! Not taking medication, and getting tested and having treatments, and, and balding! So shut up, okay? -please?”

“You want to take me to prom?” She asked tentatively.

“Yes! I want to swirl you around the floor in your dress and your tennis shoes and then mess up your hair and spill punch on your dress and kiss you behind the lockers while hiding from the chaperones.”

A hint of a smile crept across her face and she wiped away another tear. He brushed away the hair that had fallen in her face and let his fingers rest by her cheek.

“This. This is the best part of my day. When you come in here and tell me the dumb thing that one kid did in history, or the new song you’re playing in band. Or you tell me what your grandma did during sunday dinner and I tell you what the nurses did during my checkup. And especially, especially when you come and make up these dumb stories. These fantasies of things we go do, memories we’d create.” He chuckled and pulled her hands down into his lap. “Honestly, that one where we robbed the ice cream shop and ran from the police is still my favorite.” 

She smiled. “Yeah- I had to be kinda creative with that one.” 

“So please-” he squeezed her hands. “-please don’t apologize or feel sorry. Or think that what you come and do here every day isn’t enough. Because like usual, I’ve come to expect it as part of this daily routine I’ve got going on. And like usual, it never fails to put a smile on my face, and make me laugh.” 

His volume lowered and the boy leaned forward, pressing his forehead against hers. “I don’t want to think of a day when I don’t get to see your nerdy face, and hear these dumb stories and, and hold your hand, okay. Okay?”

She nodded. “Me too.” 

But she would have to think of that day. She was the one who’d eventually have to stop coming to see him. The one who’d have to let him go. 

But like usual, she’d keep coming in here every day until that happened- eventually. And like usual, she’d sacrifice her time, and her emotions to be there for him. To keep him strong until he couldn’t be there anymore.

She heaved a sigh, choked back a sob, and pressed her hand against the back of his neck, pulling them closer together.

Her voice was shaky but her words were clear. 

“You all good?” She asked.

He nodded. “Like usual.”

- - -

Why do I write stuff that’s sad? So I wrote this like, at the end of last year. And thought I’d bring it back and edit it and post it and stuff. It’s not related to anything, just a weird little drabble, that, that gave me the feels ngl. So sorry--- but not really I guess. @imagination1reality0

[deltacomerade]

so, i’ve been a lil confused by this since it was posted: why did the MCR accounts post about Umbrella Academy? like, okay, obviously Gerard wrote the comic and produced the show, it’s their project, but it’s strange that both the band’s account posted about it and the show’s official page tagged MCR in the post teasing Here Comes The End (which is honestly fucking great, not perfect, but great).

i know a lot of people have naturally assumed it means that the boys will make new music for the soundtrack, which if it is the case Hell Yeah Sign Me Up, but i’m a lil hesitant to believe that.

some others are thinking Gerard just posted to the wrong account on accident (which sounds like something they would do), but if they did, why would the post still be there, and then followed up by a thing for Here Comes The End? i know Gerard doesn’t give a flying fuck about social media 8 times out of 10, unless its about some cool rocks they found, but still. ((EDIT: I haven’t seen solid proof of this, but someone mentioned the reason MCR was tagged and why it posted there is Maybe because Ray is in charge of the acount, and that was their way to include him since he helped out on the song with Additional Guitars and (also weirdly) Bass, which kinda makes sense, but last i checked, or simply assumed, i’m pretty sure all the of the guys have access to the account, since both Ray and Frank posted stuff about their experiences in the band, so i’m not entirely sure about it. Also, while about as active as Gerard, Ray does have his own Instagram, so that doesn’t help support this theory.))

and some people have also said it’s just Warner Bros. wanting to get some free publicity, which definitely sounds like something they as a corporation would do. BUT Umbrella Academy isn’t owned by them, the show itself is owned partially by Dark Horse (who published the comic) and Universal, who bought the rights waaaay back in the day to make a movie out of the comic, but then changed it to a show. so it could be Them wanting to get publicity (maybe as “repayment” in a way for Dark Horse doing the Killjoys comic for Gerard and MCR or some dumb shit like that, who knows) this honestly makes the most sense out of everything else, but a lot of people, unfortunately myself included, just naturally assumed it was Gerard’s idea alone. which is a great transition into;

at the top of this Weirdness Heap (which is probably gonna be Gerard’s second solo album name. back off Moss Lord, i call dibs), someone mentioned years ago when the band was originally together, Gerard wanted to keep the two projects seperate. and, to add onto the last point, as a producer, does Gerard actually have the power to choose where to advertise the show, or are they just going along with what Netflix marketing decides to do because Netflix is in charge of the whole shebang? either way, it still don’t make a lot of sense to me.

ALL THAT BEING SAID, it isn’t the first time the MCR social media accounts were used to promote the members’ individual projects, the FB account promoted Frank’s album last year in May, but weirdly not Mikey’s work with Electric Century on either FB or IG. (again, Devil’s Advocate, there has been publicity on the other members’ Personal Accounts on different platforms and such, but not that i remember on the MCR page) ((EDIT 2: After a bit more careful digging and some assistance, i did find that the MCR account DID help promote Mikey’s new album, i just overlooked it a bit...in hindsight, i’m realizing maybe i didn’t work hard enough on this, and am kind of an actual dumbass? honestly though, this was All just a personal thoughts thing, not actually a criticism of Gerard or the band, so it doesn’t really matter.))

in summary...i honestly don’t know. like, obviously Frank, Mikey, and Ray knew about it ahead of time, they showed and voiced their support. and honestly, i fucking love how they all support each other with their own projects, its kinda sweet. (and yeah, i know some douchehole is gonna chime in with “Free Money”, but I DONT CARE THIS YEAR IS A FUCKING CESSPIT GIVE ME THIS ONE THING) and also, while i know they aren’t a perfect person, and they’ve acknowledged that themselves, i really truly firmly don’t believe Gerard did it to be selfish and abuse their power as the band’s leader to make a quick buck. while they obviously need to support their family, Gerard still does their best to stand by what they believe or oppose what they’re against, including selling out. i know some of you would disagree and think i’m just stupid, but i stand by that.

in the end the best answer may be the simplest one; since the virus started, maybe the band didn’t want the account to be stagnant until the tour starts up again, and thought they would use it to support each other’s work. it’s honestly possible once they start posting things related to their own work collectibely rather than just as individuals, they could just take both posts down.

[ So Bottom Line Here Is Don’t Go And Try To Bully, Accuse, Or Make Fun Of Gerard Again Of/For Something As Asinine As This, It’s Literally Not That Big Of A Deal, They’re Both Things They’re (G) Passionate About You Shitheads] (i’m not saying Stop The Memes, cuz i know that most of them are not made to be mean-spirited and some are honestly a lil funny, just...Dont Be A Dumbass, thats all i’m saying)

like i said, i dont know, maybe i’m overthinking again? it’s not a huge deal, i’m excited for the new season and for whatever things the Emo Gang summon in the future after this hellhole of a year blows over, just my two cents.

[santoteez]

Let Me Teach You - Namjoon

Word Count: 2.8k

Idol: Kim Namjoon (RM) of BTS

Genre: Smut with a dash of fluff at the end, like literally a dash, you might catch it if you squint

Edited: a lil (This is another of my older writings)

Warnings: Character’s name is pronounced Ah-Deh-zay, MC is a Black female with natural hair, Daddy kink, squirting, BFF to lovers, unprotected sex (don’t do it)

Adeze cuddled further into her bed, making herself comfortable. The snow coming down outside was intense, almost blizzard-like. She had luckily stocked the kitchen not too long ago, and her company issued a building-wide alert that they would be closed for the next few days, so she was prepared for an extra-long weekend of bingeing and stuffing her face. An episode of Arrow was starting on the TV when she heard the front door. Considering she lived alone, it had to be her friend, Namjoon.  Adeze and Namjoon had been friends since high school. When they were accepted to the same college, it was almost a no brainer that they both attend. They were roommates from start to finish, and after graduation, landed rather lucrative jobs. Adeze, having been a finance major, was now the CFO to a medium-sized corporation, on its way to being one of the big dogs of D.C. Namjoon on the other hand, was a head writer to The Washington Post, overlooking the rest and reporting to the editor-in-chief. Not bad for a couple of 24-year-olds.

“Leave your shoes at the door!” Adeze shouted, not moving from her spot in bed. “And bring me a lemonade from the fridge!”

“Giving me orders and you haven’t even seen me yet. What if I was a murderer?” Namjoon popped up at the doorframe with Chinese takeout and two lemonades in hand.

“All I ask is that I enjoy my lemonade before you chop my head off.” She reached for the lemonade eagerly.

“Take it easy, have you eaten a proper meal at all today?” He asked, pulling the drink out of reach.

“I had eggs this morning!”

“What have you eaten since then?”

“I may have had one or two ice cream sandwiches…and a few honey buns.”

“Exactly. Food. Eat.” He shoved a container in her waiting hands.

She groaned. “What’s in here, anyway? You might be poisoning me.”

“If I wanted to, I’d have done it years ago. It’s house special lo Mein.”

“What’s so special about it? Cyanide? Arsenic? Mercury?”

“It’s special because it was made for you. Can you act your age for once, Adeze? You need actual food.”

The dark-skinned girl rolled her eyes but obeyed nonetheless.

She opened the container, steam arising from the brown noodles. She twirled a forkful, lifting it up to her lips. She hummed happily. “You’re right, I needed real food.”

“What would you do without me? Imagine I had gone home today.” After graduation, the dynamic duo decided it was time to stop rooming together and get their own space. Their own space meant houses two blocks away. Namjoon’s house spent most time unused with him spending almost all his free time in Adeze’s.

“I know, I know. I appreciate you.” She watched as he sat next to her on bed before opening his own container.

“Is this another rerun?” He asked, eyes fixated on the screen as he bit into an egg roll.

“Yep. It’s before Oliver and Felicity got together. You know, back when they were just friends with extremely obvious feelings for each other.”

“Right. Then they finally fall in love and run off to get engaged. Must be nice.”

“Felt that. I’m gonna die a virgin.”

“What? There’s no way you’re still a virgin.” Joon turned to the curly-headed girl.

“Says who?”

“What about Chanyeol?”

Adeze shuddered. Talking about her ex is NOT how she imagined she’d be spending her evening. “I never fucked Chanyeol, thank God. Arrogant prick. He turned himself on more than I ever did. I’m surprised we even lasted six months.” The pretty boy barely ever spent time with her, and when he did, it was all about him.

“Holy shit. I just always assumed.”

“We can’t all be as experienced as you, Kim Namjoon,” Adeze said, thinking back to all the times Namjoon stumbled into their room in college with a girl on his arm late at night. It taught her to invest in quality headphones.

Namjoon smirked, rolling his eyes. “How many times do I have to apologize for College Joon? You know I’m not like that anymore.”

“The damage is done, you monster,” Adeze shouted dramatically, clutching her chest.

“Anyway, back to the conversation. I doubt you’ll die a virgin. You’ll lose it eventually.”

She scoffed. “Maybe when I’m 60. I don’t think I could trust any guy enough, anyway.”

A long silence ensued. Neither spoke, the TV the only source of sound in the room.

“I made it awkward, didn’t I?” Adeze asked.

“What? No, of course not!”

“No, I did. I put value to the whole virginity thing and I made it uncomfortable because you didn’t.”

“Dez, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. How you view your body and virginity is YOUR choice. Plus, that’s not what I’m thinking about.”

“Well, what ARE you thinking about?”

Namjoon sighed. “You said you want to trust the guy you lose your virginity to, right?”

Adeze nodded.

“What if that guy…was me?”

Adeze nearly snapped her neck turning to face the silver-haired boy, who was calmly eating his noodles as if he didn’t just offer his best friend sex.

“Boy, stop playing with me.” Adeze shook her head, turning to face the TV again.

“No one’s playing with you. Losing something that matters to you, to someone that matters to you. How is that a bad idea?”

“Joon, we’ve been friends for years. Best friends, at that. I don’t want sex or anything else to come between us.”

He rolled his eyes. “Dez, if my hoeish ways weren’t enough to keep you away, nothing will be. I know everything about you, and you about me.”

The girl pouted slightly. He had a point. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She nodded in agreement.

“Great. Come here.” He said, tugging at her arm.

“Right now?!”

“When did you think it was gonna happen?”

“I don’t know, I thought this was like a conversation. A preliminary hearing before trial!”

“Ever heard of a speedy trial?” He asked, yanking the girl towards him. Adeze shouted in surprise, landing in his lap.

Adeze began to hyperventilate, never having been this close to her best friend.

“Hey,” Joon rubbed her back, sensing her uneasiness. “It’s okay, the further we go, the more comfortable you’ll get.” He leaned in to kiss her. Adeze felt frozen, unknowing of what to do. When he didn’t feel her kiss back, he pulled away, frowning.

“Why won’t you kiss me back?”

“I can’t. Chanyeol barely ever kissed me.”

“Oh my God. You don’t know how to kiss.”

Adeze immediately pushed away, embarrassed. “Get off.”

Namjoon tightened his grip on her waist. “Hey, hold on a second. I’m not trying to make fun of you. I’m just realizing how shitty of a boyfriend Chanyeol really is. I don’t care you don’t know how to kiss. In fact,” He leaned in again, “Let me teach you.”

Adeze inhaled sharply when their lips met, kissing back this time timidly. Namjoon’s hands roamed cautiously, grabbing her by the thighs and pulling her closer, deepening the kiss. His tongue danced along her bottom lip, which she hesitantly allowed to slip in. His gentle suckling on Adeze’s tongue caused a strangled moan to escape her throat, earning a smirk from Namjoon.

“It’s okay baby, let me hear you. Tell me how good it feels.” His attention moved from her lips to her neck, kissing and sucking until he reached that spot that caused her breath to hitch.

“Fuck, Joon. Right there.” She mewled, to which Namjoon hummed in satisfaction. He tugged at her tank top. “Take this off.” He said eagerly, knowing there was nothing underneath. Adeze lifted her arms almost immediately, previous hesitations and cautions suddenly out the window. The insignificant garment was yanked over her head and across the room. Namjoon’s lips continued their sinful assault, lowering to Adeze’s chest. They latched onto her left nipple while his fingers twisted and pulled on the right. Adeze’s heavy breathing a result of Joon’s tongue swirling around the chocolate-colored nub, with the occasional biting to add to the sensation.

“You ready for something else?” He said, stopping abruptly with a smirk.

“Something like what?” Adeze asked, lust evident in her voice, which shocked her. She’d never heard herself this way.

“Lie down.” Joon said, getting up.

“What are you doing?” She asked, her head hitting the pillow.

“You’ll see.” He said, grabbing the unused pillow from the headboard. He made a hand motion signaling for her to lift up her bottom half, to which she obliged. In a swift movement, he set the pillow beneath her butt and yanked her sweats down to her ankles, and off her body completely.

It finally clicked for Adeze what was happening, and she tensed up immediately, closing her legs.

Namjoon looked up at her. “What’s wrong, Dez? Talk to me, baby.” He said, planting kisses up and down her thighs.

“What’s wrong?” She laughed nervously. “I’ve never had anyone see me down there, and now you’re trying to shove your face in it.”

“It’ll feel good, though. Aren’t you tired of hearing your friends’ stories? Don’t you want to know what it’s like?” He rubbed her thighs, a mischievous look on his face. Adeze nodded, biting her lip. “I’m dying to taste you. Let me taste you, baby. Yeah?” She nodded, spreading her legs slightly. Joon smiled, kissing her inner thighs, biting them ever so lightly.

“You’re so wet for me, baby. I’ve barely even touched you. You like how Daddy’s treating you?” He asked. Dez nodded. “Tell Daddy what you want him to do.”

Adeze whined in protest. He was taking too long for her. “I can’t hear you, baby. Don’t you want this? Tell me what you need from Daddy.”

“I need Daddy to shut up and eat my pussy till I cry.”

Joon shook his head, pulling the drenched panties off her body. “Bratty as ever. I’ll have to tame that smart mouth of yours. That’ll have to be next time, though.” He lied down on his stomach, marveling at the beauty in front of him.

“Such a pretty pussy, all for me.” He said, the warmth of his breath tickling Adeze, causing her to squirm.

“Please, Daddy. I need you so bad.” She whimpered.

“Of course, baby. Especially when you asked so nicely.” He said, before sticking out his tongue, giving her pussy a long, languorous lick. Reaching her clit, he paused, giving it a hard suck.

Gripping the sheets, Adeze gasped, her legs trembling from the sudden rush of pleasure. Joon continued his assault on her clit, his teeth grazing the nub with each suck. Dez bucked her hips, causing Joon to drape his arm over her waist, pinning her to the bed. It didn’t stop the girl from squirming, though.

“Stop fucking moving.” He growled. “You said you wanted me to eat your pussy till you cry, so that’s what I’m doing.” He said, licking up and down her folds frantically. Dez arched her back, her forehead just barely missing the headboard.

“Fuck, Joonie, you gonna make me cum.” She shouted, her acrylic nails digging into his arm. Her words clearly a motivation to increase his vigor, Joon attached his lips to her clit in a tight lock, sucking as hard as he could. Dez’s eyes bolted shut as her orgasm washed over her, her legs wrapping around Joon’s neck tightly. He pushed her legs apart forcibly, kneeling on the bed. He pulled her body up along with him until only her head and shoulders remained on the bed. He spread her legs as far as they would go before shoving his tongue down her cunt.

“Ohh, shit. Shit. Shit.”  Dez whined as her body trembled with oversensitivity from her first orgasm.

“Mmm, you taste so good, baby. Better than I could ever imagine.” Joon said, the vibrations of his voice sending jolts of electricity through her body.

“Shit, Joonie, I’m close again. I’m gonna cum. Fuck, it feels like I have to-.” She was interrupted by her orgasm taking over once again, but this time, spurts of clear liquid came gushing out of her, splashing everywhere.

“Damn, my baby’s a squirter. Look the mess you made.” He said, referring to his shirt, the comforter, and his chin, which was dripping with her arousal. Dez sat up, giving Joon a lustful kiss, tasting herself on his tongue.

“Fuck me already, Daddy.”

“Don’t worry, baby. Daddy plans on doing just that.” He flung his shirt off before fumbling with his belt. “Condom?” He asked, reaching for his wallet.

Dez shook her head. “On the pill. For my cramps, remember?”

He nodded. “Figured I’d ask anyway. Feels better raw, anyway.”

“I’ll never find out with you running your mouth as always.”  She rolled her eyes.

“I’ll shut you up in a second.” He said, ridding himself of his boxers. Dez stared wide eyed at the pulsing member. It was large, with veins running along the shaft. The head was a light pink color, with precum leaking out the slit.

“Cock leave you speechless?” Joon raised an eyebrow, smirking. He positioned himself at her entrance before she could spit out another smart remark. He pushed the tip in slowly. Dez tensed up slightly, the discomfort of something foreign settling in.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

She nodded. “Keep going.” He nodded in response, pushing further. He fought against the urge to ram into her. “Still good?”

“Give me a minute.” She said, taking a deep breath. “Okay, go ahead.” He rocked his hips back and forth, at a steady pace, sliding out a little before filling her again

“Faster, Joonie. Fuck me harder.” She said desperately, his discomfort twisting into blissful pleasure. He nodded, sliding out fully before ramming into her with much more force. His hips meeting her with every thrust, causing Dez’s toes to curl.

“I’ve waited so long to have you like this. You’re always so calm and collected, so in control. I’ve always wanted to see you lose control.” He said, lifting a leg onto his shoulder, plowing into her even deeper.

“I’m gonna cum again. Fuck, you feel so good, Joonie.” She said, digging her nails into his arms.

“Cum on my cock, baby. Show me how good I’m making you feel.”

Adeze screamed out, eyes rolling to the back of her head. Suddenly, Namjoon flipped her over, pulling her ass up in the air.

“Joon, I don’t think I can handle another one.”

“Yes you can, baby. I know you can. One more, that’s it.” He said, ramming into her without warning. They both groaned at the contact, Joon’s thrusts nothing short of animalistic. The sound of skin meeting skin drowned out the sounds of the TV, where another episode had long started.

“Shit, Joon.” She breathed out, barely a whisper.

“Right there?” He asked, his thrusts hitting that sweet spot deep inside her.

She nodded frantically. “Yes, right fucking there. Fuck, what are you doing to me?”

“You’re getting close, I can feel it. I can feel you clenching my cock in your tight, wet cunt. You keep clenching around me like that, I’m gonna cum.” Joon said, his thrusts turning sloppy.

“Mmm, cum inside me.” She mewled.

“Yeah? Wanna be my little cum slut? Tell me.”

“I wanna be your little cum slut. Fill me up, Daddy.”

Joon wanted so badly to release, but he was stubborn. He wanted to see you unwind just one more time.

Adeze gasped as her fourth and final orgasm hit her like a truck. She shook uncontrollably as fluids spew out of her once again. The clenching from her orgasm triggered Joon’s. Ropes of white, hot cum shooting deep inside her, mixing with her arousal and oozing back out. He fell back on the bed, painfully exhausted. He smacked her on the ass playfully.

“You. Go pee. ASAP.”

She rolled her eyes. “Still bossing me around?” She asked, getting up and heading to the in-room bathroom. She used it, washing her hands before walking back into the room. She laid back in bed, where Joon laid with his eyes closed.

“Tired?” She asked teasingly.

“You have no idea.” He laughed.

“You kept saying ‘next time’ and that you’ve been ‘waiting for this’.”

He sighed, opening his eyes. “You’re that clueless, huh?”

“What do you mean?”

“I have feelings for you, Adeze. Always have. All those girls in college? I was trying not to think of you. When you dated Chanyeol, I was seething with anger. I was jealous to no end. And now that I’ve got a taste, my desire is insatiable. So yeah, there’s your answer.”

Adeze smiled. “I’ve always liked you too. I still do.”

“Do you wanna go out? With me? Not as friends?”

She nodded. “Of course I will, Oliver Queen.” She said, referring to the show still playing on the TV.

He laughed again. “Thank you, Felicity Smoak.” He kissed her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.

[parkjinwoo]

hi! idk if you've already answered smth like this, but would you ever make a gif-making tutorial? i dont know where to start with gif-making >< but if not, it's totally cool! would you happen to know where i can learn how to make gifs like you? thank you!

sure! i absolutely would!! i’ll just do it under this ask haha 

so for making gifs i use photoshop ( i run cc 2017 bc it was th only free version i cld get ldsfkhsdf) and vapoursynth!

first things first: getting the video you want to gif. obviously the better the quality of the video the better the quality of gif, so when im downloading from youtube i usually use a 4k video downloader

if its  vlive i use soshistagram !!!

next step after youve downloaded your gif is to get the frame layers from the specific section that you want to gif. thats where vapousynth comes into play.

if you drag the video you downloaded into vapousynth, you choose the part within the video you want to gif, so say im remaking my last gifset id drag the video into vapoursynth put in like 00:05:40 (the starting time in the video where i wish to gif) and then like 00:00:03 (how many seconds of the video after the start i want vapoursynth to render) and then it’ll open up a tab that looks like this 

from here this is where i usually do my cropping, sharpening and denoising – i use to use topaz labs but that shit hurt my computer like it would take so long for my computer to render it it wasnt even worth it. but i mean topaz labs is pretty good so if your computer is strong enough i definitely suggest looking into it. i just cant lmao. 

okay after you choose the settings that you want (honestly the way i found my preferred settings was just by playing around w them!!), you copy and paste the coding in the white box in the right corner into the app that will open on your computer once you run vapoursynth it looks like this 

you paste the code into the section that says ‘paste here what you copied from resizer’

and if the section of the video runs longer than you wanted (like the screen changes n u just want to cut it out) you can trim it in this app as well if you go to Script > Preview and find the first frame and last frame that you want in the gif. honestly i dont usually do this, i just delete frames in photoshop bc im lazy but then it obviously takes longer to render but . again. lazy.

ANYWAYS once you’re ready to render your video, you go to Script > Encode video and another screen will pop up. make sure you change the header section from ‘no header’ to ‘Y4M’ or it wont work. n then just press start and it’ll do its thing. on my computer it saves the video to my ‘output’ folder and its always titled ‘output.mov’ so it shouldnt be hard 2 find !!

ok !!!!!! hardest part is out of the way!!!!!!! wee!!!!!

now its time for photoshop *crowd boos*

once you’ve opened photoshop, you go to File > Import > Video Frames to Layers and find the video that you got from vapousynth ! once you do that this will come up 

here you can cut down the video / limit the frames for its import. i usually limit frames only by 2 or i find it gets a lil weird, this helps a lot if your video is long and you want 2 get it all in the gif without missing parts while also staying under tumblrs gif limits (which i know have been made a lot bigger but i still try to keep mine around 3 MB). then once all thats Done just press OK n it’ll look like this !!

ok lets break this down

TIMELINE 

timeline is basically where u go to adjust the speed of your gif. if you press on the three lines on the right side and press Select All Frames then you can click on the time (in the screenshot its 0.02) and adjust it. i usually go with 0.05-0.06. but it depends. again its all up to your preferences. you can also delete frames n stuff, thats usually what i do to trim down a gif.

LAYERS SECTION OR WHATEVER ITS CALLED 

ok so these are all ur layers !!! usually i select them all and group them so its easier to manage. but this is where you’d add your colouring PSDs or text PSDs to spice up ur gif. 

at the top where it says ‘Add an adjustment’ is where you can edit the colour of your gif, you can obviously mess around and make your own psd or even go Crazy and make a new psd for every gifset. but personally, out of laziness, i just searched tumblr for gif PSDs and used the one i liked the most, and through that i adjust it depend on what i think looks best for the gif im working with. psds make the gif tbh

like the difference... the spice.... the vibrance... its beautiful. 

sometimes i use the sharpening action and in order to use the filters in photoshop you have to change it into a video timeline (see timeline section, at the left bottom corner theres that icon thingy beside where it says forever. just click that) then you select all your layers at the side and go to Filters > Convert for Smart Filters.

then you can go Sharpening and i usually use Smart Sharpen. and its again messing around until your satisfied with how the gif looks. this is my preset for it!

also through this you can blur out words in the gif (which obv u dont have to do its another preference thing i just personally prefer to do it) and once your gifs been converted for smart filters you can use the marquee tool to section off the part you want to blur and then go to Filter > Blur > Gaussain Blur and adjust the strength of the blur !

anyways. thats basically it???????? after your finished and you’re happy with how it came out go to File > Export > Save for Web (Legacy) and this will pop up 

here you can see how many MB’s your gif is to ensure you dont go over. also adjust the presets on the side, thats just how i have mine obviously you can adjust yours to however you want them !

and make sure where it says “Looping Options” it says forever, or else your gif wont loop and you’ll want 2 rip ur hair out once u realize it.

n then boom 

gif ! 

i hope this helped ???? n wasnt too confusing im rly bad at explaining things.. i also hope i didnt miss anything .. but i dont think i did. if you have any questions pls feel free to message me ill b happy 2 explain anything else im able to ^________^ !

[infinitylester]

GIF TUTORIAL

i’m finally getting around to giving the people what they want!! i hit 2.5k like 3 weeks ago and asked you guys what you would like me to do in honour of that...the resounding answer was ‘gif tutorial’ !!!! 

so!! in true dnp fashion i’m merely here to give the people what they want and the people have demanded a gif tutorial, so here it is!

we’ll be learning to how to create this gif right here!

please keep in mind that this is how i make gifs!! everyone does things slightly differently and what i say and do may not match up with other people or your own personal style and that’s okay! editing is all about creative freedoms and you may use this as a basic starter so that you can branch into your own thing or you might really like how i do things and use the same methods. point is, it’s perfectly okay either way!!

right so!! let’s get the basic bullshit out of the way! i use ps cs6 but it’s basically all the same, so this should work perfectly fine no matter what ps you use. 

1. we’re firstly going to choose our video to gif. for this tutorial, i’ve chosen pinof 10! pick a moment you like and get the timestamps from when the moment starts and finishes. i usually get a second before and a second after to make sure i’ve got it all!!

2. we’re now going to copy the url of the video and go to clip converter. clip  converter basically is going to give us an mp4 version of our little timestamps so that we can put them into photoshop and make gifs from them! paste the url of the vid into clip converter and press enter once. once you’ve done that follow my settings and press start

(of course you can name it whatever you want and put whatever timestamps you want in!!)

once it’s done converting, it’ll give you a download of your mp4 clip, which you’ll click! 

3. now open your photoshop. go to file, import, video frames to layers, like shown and select your video

once you’ve done that, put these settings in and trim the clip to your liking (the little black place holder things trim the clip!) 

4. okay so!! we now have our gif imported and open on photoshop! we have to make it much smaller because right now it’s like...huge (that’s what she said hehehe)

simply click on image at the top of your computer and press ‘image size’, like shown

then make your settings like shown

5. so that’s done!! now, we have to change the pace of our gif to be a bit slower. i make my gifs real slow apparently but,,,,,personal preference man. click on the first frame of your gif and then scroll to the end of the frames of your gif. hold the shift button and click the last frame. this will select all your frames. press the little arrow thingy near the time of the frames. this will allow you to change the pace of your gif. press other and change the timing of the gif to whatever you want! i make my gifs like 0.07 normally but for this gif, i made it 0.09 because they’re moving so fast and it was giving me whiplash. anything under 0.1 is great!!

6. cropping time! you don’t have to crop your gif if you’d like, but mine is a little big for me, so i’m going to and show you how to do that! so basically press the cropping tool and put in the measurements you’d like, as i’ve done.

7. now we’re ready to convert our gif to the timeline method! select all your frames again, like before, as well as your layers. selecting your layers is the same as selecting your frames, so nothing new there, don’t worry! once everything is selected, press this lil guy.

once our gif is in the timeline method, right click your layers that should all be selected and turn them into a smart object, as shown!

8. righty-o! we’ve done all the boring, dumb shit! time to use an action to make our gif look a little nicer and sharper! i really can’t be assed showing you how to use an action in here because i suck and this is long as fuck as it is but!! i am nice enough to link you to a basic tutorial on how to use actions and how to download them! you can find that here! right so, i use a certain action on all my gifs and then edit it slightly, which i’ll show you! you can find a download for the action i use here !!! 

i play that action and now my gif looks much nicer! however, it’s not quite the way i like it, so i push the gaussian blur layer to the bottom and i adjust the strength of it to this!

9. i lied. now we’re up to the fun part!! colouring!! colouring is my best friend and i love her dearly!! technically you could stop now and save your gif and be done but....that’s boring as fuck!

right so, colouring really, truly is your own preference, loves. you can do whatever you like, you do NOT have to follow what i put here. this is simply the colouring i chose for this gif. i do literally whatever i feel like every time i make a gif, so it’s forever changing!

i gave a bit of thought to what kind of colouring i’d do in this tutorial. did i want to do something extra basic and like...no colour changing? did i want to do something wildly vibrant? and then i decided not to do either of those things! so today, i’m going to teach you how to create a soft, almost pastel blue/purple colouring for the ap room *cough* set *cough*!! 

firstly, here is the adjustment panel where all the tools you need for colouring reside !!

we’re firstly going to start with the boring crap,,,,,so i lied again....oops. firstly, we’re going to adjust the brightness, the levels and the curves. here are my setting for each, if you’d like to copy them!

here’s how the gif looks without all our colour layers!

10. and now all that crap is done, i promise it’s actually the fun stuff!! selective colour is where all the magic happens! i sometimes do two, three or even four selective colour layers, depending on just how heavy the colour changing is going to be in my gifs, as well as using hue/saturation, colour balance and gradient maps!!

firstly, we’ll start off with our first selective colour layer! here are my settings for it (sorry for all the pics rip)

once you’ve got all those sorted, onto a hue/saturation layer! this basically drastically changes the colours, if you’d like it to but it’s not quite as accurate or smooth as a selective colour layer, so i only really use it for small things or if the colour i’d like can be acchieved nicely with it. i didn’t change anything in the master setting, but here are my settings for the things i did change!

aaaaaaaand now we do another selective colour layer! i’ll just show you the layers i did change...everything else, leave as is!!

11. next is a few gradient maps and a layer of vibrance!! i promise, we’re almost done!! i add a bunch of probably unnecessary bullshit to my gifs but i like how it looks with all the extra stuff so!!! yeah!! make your first gradient map black and white, as shown and set the opacity to 10%

next step is to create a vibrance layer! when making a bright, colourful gif, i use about two or three vibrancy layers. i never EVER adjust the saturation, only the vibrancy. adjusting the saturation makes everything too heavy and it just looks kinda icky to me. the first layer, i normaly adjust the vibrancy to 100% and the rest being between like 20-50%, depending. i just thought i’d tell you guys because that’s vital if you’re making bright gifs! 

we however are not, so i only adjusted the vibrancy to +14%, leaving the saturation alone....nasty saturation !!!

aaaaaaaaaaaaand finally, we are up to our last adjustment layer!! it is yet another gradient map oops. this gradient map is a light golden colour and i downloaded it in a pack somewhere ages ago. i do not remember where and i know that photoshop’s default gradient maps don’t have something like it so if you’d like, you can definitely just skip this last layer!! it’s not vital, i just think it gives the gif a nice touch! 

for reference, the gradient map looks like this and i set it to 6% opacity!

12. that’s it!! the gif is complete! go to file, save for web and press on that! you might have to wait a little bit for it to load...photoshop is a really shit program sometimes, guys. once it loads you’ll see all these confusing settings. simply copy what i have here!

this is also the moment i realise my gif is over 3mb and go to fucking smack my head against a desk. tumblr basically has a thing against gif makers and will NOT allow gifs over 3mb to play once posted. this can be fixed though! i’ll show you how to shorten a gif right now because well...if you followed this tutorial, you’re stuck in the same boat as me and need to know how to fix it!!

so basically save your gif as is right now! now, we’re going to open the gif we just saved into photoshop. go to file, open and select your gif. it’ll open as a frame animation which is perfect! now, delete whatever frames from the start and end that you think you can live without. never delete frames from the middle because that’ll just disrupt the gif altogether. the less frames, the better!!

i got my gif down to 40 frames by deleting the first 15 frames of the gif and the last like 6 or so. now go back to ‘save for web’ and save this shorter gif as a whole new gif! this should be under 3mb. if it is not, go cancel the save and delete some more frames!

once that’s done....you’re done!!! congratulations!! you’ve made your very first gif, my dear!!!! here’s the finished labour of your hard work!! 

i hope i wasn’t too confusing and i hope you now have a sound understanding of how to make a gif! if you’d like me to make another tutorial on something specific related to gifmaking or even to do with edits and edit-making, just send me an ask and i’ll see what i can do for you! happy giffing, loves!!

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 08

rip it’s a lot of stuff, some good, some weird….

Anonymous said: do you like eating ass? I bet your booty is thicc and juicy :)

idk who would even send this but ummm I’m a bottom so yeah.. that answers that wedhfnsh have u nice day/night <3

@thesimpley2k​  said: your cc is so beautiful! and you’re a britney stan :) ily sis

thank youuuuu omg ily2 lmao I don’t voice my Britney stanness much but once B10 starts getting more hyped up I’ll be back up there! Thank you again and rip original make me MV

Anonymous said: Oof I need all of your wip hairs right now            

oof you haven’t even seen half of them sweetie ;) I have 10 wip hairs as of now so like… you’ve seen 4 on this blog through edits/playlists. the rest are on my patreon and some go on my wips section in my discord (omg shameless plug im sorry but its true)

Anonymous said: Can we gift you packs through origin?

if u want?? idrk how that works tbh ;-; if u did tho like rsdfgfbvc thank you!!! I prob will only buy packs that I can use for cc from now on tbh ;-; my computer is at that point where i need to be really picky about stuff, plus imo they arent worth it wedfgdbfn i regret buying most of the SP’s

Anonymous said: Are you posting a shorter version of the Zoey Hair as shown in your latest post because it looks amazing?!!!!!

thank you!!! That is basically what the idea of it is lmao, but I think im gonna make an accessory hair clip for it too. Not 100% sure yet tho

@agentwashsims​ said: Crying over the wip hair and the grimes reference! Okay you’re still perfect and ily that it all okay bye. 

aaah thank you! grimes is so good omg Art Angels is my favorite album but there are a lot of ongs on Visions I like as well. I like a little bit of Halfaxa toooooo

Anonymous said: Hi, would it be possible for you to just reupload the lydia hair post? As it’s marked as sensitive content, I can’t see the picture and I’d really like to be able to have a look at it before I download it.

Hi! I emailed tumblr support about it since it has been over a month since it has been up for review. Hopefully they get it worked out soon <3 there is a picture of it on my download page if you want to look at it there

Anonymous said: Hey, how do I do Patreon? I want to but i’m new to all those things of Patreon cause now I want lots of hairs that need it, and I wanna learn how can I Patreon you!

Hello! Hopefully you see this haha. Patreon is sort of like Netlfix in it is a monthly charge for goods. To get 3 cc hairs early each month, it is a $1 pledge. Higher pledges get better rewards(such as watching me work on cc, getting to vote on hair releases, and more). I think that Patreon is a great way to help support creators as long as they do it right (no exclusive CC). I really hope this helps you and thank you so much if you decide to pledge any ammount <3

Anonymous said: When are going to upload your maxis match hairlines? Like in a post

oml I am horrible lmao I deleted them and don’t seem to have them backed up, but I will maybe make more in the future?? I honestly don’t find them that usable on most hairs but everybody is different so we will see <3

Anonymous said: Is the black braided hair on your April Playlist a WIP? If not WCIF it cuz it’s gorgeous <333 Ily.

issa wip for Juneee

Anonymous said: how old are you?

18 d2f m4m

Anonymous said: What is your Origin ID?

spotharris

Anonymous said: Hey! I 🖤 ur content btw and I wanted to just like clarify something. Ur posts say u can recollect but don’t include the mesh. What does that mean exactly??? Do people still need the mesh for the recollections to show up in game?? Sorry if this is really dumb, I’m a new simblr. Thx!            

hey!! sorry for the super late reply omg, welcome to simblr!! it is kinda crazy here but hopefully u can find ur peeps and make a nice home :) anywaysssss i think u mean recoloring, which is like when people add different colors other than the 18 EA base colors. I don’t allow people to use the meshes mainly bc I know that sometimes I have to go back and update things and this way the recolors don’t have a broken mesh and require that person to redo their package.

Anonymous said: whose ur fave member of lOoNa

my rankings as of right now: Kim Lip, Go Won, Olivia Hye, JinSoul, HyunJin, Chuu, HeeJin, Choerry, HeeJin, HaSeul, ViVi, and then YeoJin

also omfg if u have jinsoul/kim lip/choerry limited edition mix&match photocard and would like to gift me it then umm PLEASE they are impossible to find and i need for my collection ;-;

@disneynsims​ said: I am also a massive Britney Spears fan, and I have to say I appreciate you naming your hairs after her songs. I do make one small request, that a hair eventually be named after one of her best bonus tracks, “Up n’ Down”.

omg Up N’ Down is one of my least favorites on femme fatale grfbg but thank you!! I don’t really name hairs after her songs anymore :(

@issharky​ said: you’ve improved so much over the time! ive been following (on tsr and tumblr since i joined) since like 2016! ♥ still love your blog!            

ygvhbjn i didnt have a tsr but go awf lmao thank you!!! i was a mess in 2016 and a lil of 2017 <3

Anonymous said: Ur such a babe austin            

thx for sending this @dogsill​ ur a babe too 😘

Anonymous said: Discord? Patreon? And this are how a good simblr die

oof discord is literally like a groupchat thing but go off also patreon makes it so i release 3 hairs a month when before it was like 1 or 2 so ummm

Anonymous said: I have recently downloaded blender to make cc hairs, but I can’t zoom in, rotate, or do anything basically. Do you know of any tutorials that explain how to use it well/ in detail? (I have a windows laptop). Anyway, I recently discovered your hairs and I am in love!! Thank you for making so many beautiful pieces of cc!

urgg i really wish i could make video tutorials and stuff for blender and hairs :( I have tried about 3 or 4 times to record/stream and it is so laggy and just pure shit on stream and twitch. I kind of just learned stuff as i went in blender but a must have is a mouse of some kind, otherwise it is 10x harder

@alexschmidt629 said: Hey! I hope you’re doing a bit better than the last time you made your last post! I’m sorry to hear about all of that, being a senior is so difficult and college stuff is even more difficult. I hope you’re doing better!

thank you! I’m doing a bit better now :)

Anonymous said: holy shit it sounds like everything that literally could’ve gone wrong did. wishing u love and luck bb. and also i think its absolutely FINE that u put ur stuff up on patreon early, it’s still free in the end!! its just a choice to actually compensate cc creators for all that they do for us. god that person was just so rude and im kinda surprised at how kindly you took it. props to u xx 

yeah dsgf everything kinda went shitty the past few months but hopefully it all turns itself around :) and I try not to pick at any rude anons/asks in general bc I feel like by doing that it just causes more attention on the issue and more people/trolls want to jump on the band wagon. Thank you!!

Anonymous said: Oh honey, you need prayers and I wish you the best of luck with fasts, college, moving, and the rest of your life. Stay strong hon you got this!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

thank you <3

Anonymous said: hi is there a version off the Ella hair that has a bun in the back or am I crazy? probs crazy honestly, but thx for answering

I think you are thinking of my Maja hair? It has a different bottom but it has those same bangs! It is here

[3rachad-archive]

Could you do like a quick tutorial?

yes ofc (sorry i didnt understAND THE FIRST TIME LFMAMFOAIFWNAWI) itll be under a cut- which doesn’t work on mobile so u know :~~) sorry to my followers !!!

edit: THIS GOT KINDA VERY LONG- I KNOW YOU SAID QUICK BUT FOAIWNOAWINAWO ; ________ ; theres no quick way for me to explain this fjawefaoweifawnoe :~~( i didnt want to make you confused so i included pictures and i tried my best afhfhwoeiawo so it got Pretty Long and i APOLOGIZE HAHFHAOFWINAFOw 

EDIT AGAIN: OK I FORGOT!!! I HAVE A WINDOWS COMP!!!! SO !!! MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT THE ‘ALTS’ AND STUFF ARE A LIL DIFF ON MAC (IDK WHAT THEY ARE BUT JFJAJFOAIW YEAH…….. i cant…. help u there…..) 

EDIT AGAIN AGAIN: i proofread this once. and its. 3;30 am so … if i said smth dumb or didnt make sense pls pls telll meeee…!!!! and like. i apologize if i missed any spelling mistakes or anythign ajfjjjawfjowaei im just a Fool!!!! 

oki dokey! its honestly p simple one u memorize the Steps! (if there’s anything you’re still ?? abt pls pls message me! im bad at typing out instructions so like jfjajfhgowigowa im scared i’ll leave u MORE confused mfmmgg) !!! 

i’ll use my lil red riding chan gif to show you!!!

1) open up the video

open up whatever video you plan on giffing !! (”file” > “navigate” > open up whatever video it is you want to gif!) 

2) cutting to the scene you want

using the snipping tool, you’ll cut the video where you want to start the gif. then you’ll let it play till where you want the gif to end! and hit the scissor icon again. now you’ll have the desired clip. 

now you’ll have 3 ‘layers’ in the layers tab. you can go ahead and delete the top and bottom layers so you only have the middle layer (the one i have highlighted)!

(side note: if you’re trying to get it PRECISE and down to the frame, using the toggles that allow you to go from frame to frame is helpful! 

this’ll let you get it down to precisely where you’d like!) 

3) getting the frames

(make sure the layer is highlighted)

so you see the four lil lines? you click on those and you’ll get a drop down menu. 

so as i’ve highlighted, you’ll click on “convert frames” and then “flatten frames into clips” 

you will now have the frames from the video! ok, now you click on the “convert to frame animation” button! (the one i’ve circled) 

now your timeline should look like this: 

now going back to the four little lines from earlier: 

you’re going to “make frames from layers” 

your timeline should now be filled with all the frames from your video! 

(side note: try to keep your gif less than 80 frames. the bigger your gif the bigger the file the more trouble you’ll have saving, uploading, etc. tumblr has a limit on size for gifs so ! be very wary ! )

4) timing

so every frame has a lil time code on it! 

as you can see, the first one is 1.27 seconds, the second is 0 seconds- i can’t speak for every gifmaker, so i’ll just say what kind of speeds i personally use. i really prefer a little bit of a slower gif- to me it feels a little smoother and is easier on the eyes, and if you’re adding text to your gif, then the reader has a bit more time to read (if your subs change in the middle or smth) 

so going back to our four lil lines 

you click on “select all frames” (or you can click on the first frame, scroll to the end of the frames and while holding your ‘shift’ key, you click on the last frame; has the same result!) now, you go to the lil drop down arrow next to the time code on any of the frames, and input your time settings! 

i use the setting of 0.07 seconds! its a little slower. some people do ‘0.05′ and some people will leave the gif at its original speed (which is ‘0′ second delay) !!!

and now you hit ‘ok’ and your times should all be the same! at this point, give the frames a once over and see if everything is running fine and you have all the frames you want, by clicking on the play button and seeing how it looks.

(side note: make sure that your looping times is set to ‘Forever’!!!)

if everything is fine then you can move on! if you think that you’d like to remove some frames then you can select those frames individually (or by the clicking and shift method from earlier) and using the lil trash icon. you can delete those frames! now you should have all the frames you want!

5) cropping + resizing 

from your tools sidebar, you’ll pick the crop tool 

in the bar along the top of the screen, you’ll see a lil drop down menu

okay, this is also another preference thing? so like, depending on the set you’re making, you might want like a different size! 

in the first gif, i used ‘W x H x Resolution’ option, whereas the second gif i used the ‘4:5 (8:10)’ ratio! so like, its v dependent on what kind of gif you’re making. for 2x2 or 3x3 sets i tend to use 4:5 while single sets i use a free ratio so i can crop how i’d prefer the gif to look! 

so with the red riding hood gif i used the ‘4:5′ ratio! 

when you choose an option, you’ll get this sort of screen 

if you click once, you’ll be given a grid and the ability to now resize!!! 

when you’re happy with your selection, you can click the checkmark i circled in the first picture, and it’ll crop your image!

yay!! okay! now you have to resize the image! so you go to the top of the screen and you choose: ‘Image’

from here you’ll choose ‘Image Size’ or alternatively hit ‘ALT + CTRL + I’ 

you’ll get this dialogue box !!! where you can now imput your width (the height will automatically resize!) 

alright so for sets, i’m not too sure about other ppl, but i resize my gifs following this usually! 

500 pixels == 1 gif

245 pixels == 2 gifs side by side

160 pixels == 3 gifs side by side 

those sizes usually look fine on tumblr and also work well with the image size limit!!! 

(i resized this gif to 245px because i was putting 2 gifs side by side!) 

after you’ve imputed the size, you can now hit okay! you’ll get this dialogue box:

go ahead and tick the ‘don’t show again’ and then click ‘Convert’ 

6) sharpening

okay, normally, you’d have to go through frame by frame and sharpen, but ; v ; your time gets eaten tf up so like… this is just the way i sharpen all the frames at the same time!! 

so go ahead and select everything in your time line, either by the shift++click method or by going to the ‘select all frames’, and then go over to the layers panel and click on the bottom most frame, then scroll to the top and while holding shift, click on the top most frame. 

everything should be selected like this! 

go the four lines again and click on the convert to video timeline

your timeline should now look like this: 

okay, now, going back to your top bar, you’ll pick ‘Filter’ 

and then click on ‘Convert for Smart Filters’ 

(side note: you’ll get another dialogue box i believe, so just tick the do not show and go ahead and continue) 

clicking on filter again, you’ll go down to ‘Sharpen’ and then ‘Smart Sharpen’. you should get another dialogue box 

these are the settings that i use! and once you put them in, you can go ahead and press okay, and your gif will be sharpened 

(side note: there’s only SO much that sharpening can do to your gif. the best scenario: you have a video thats 1080p and the sharpening will add. but if your video quality isn’t the greatest then be understanding, ps can only do so much… also !!! some ppl sharpen twice, if you think it’ll look good you can go ahead and do that!!! i prefer to sharpen once, so that it doesn’t get too grainy!!!) 

your gif is now sharpened!!! 

7) colouring 

uhh this one i can’t give you too many instructions for?? bc every gifmaker tends to have their own colouring style. it’ll really be up to your discretion and preference on how you colour things!!! 

these are the tools when it comes to colouring!!! you can like… go to town and test different colourings! i shit you not… this is what takes me the LONGEST during giffing now.. like once i had the process down?? i was like ???? what should i make the colouring??? 

this is without colouring ^^

this is with my colouring ^^ 

this is what i had on this specific gif- every video will vary and you’ll soon figure out what colourings suit what videos or lightings or etc !!! 

8) watermarking (optional) 

this is optional but like………. in this day and age…………………….

so you select the text tool and you just type your url in whatever font you want??? 

these are the settings i use!!! and then i set the ‘Opacity’ at however much i think is suitable. (darker gifs, i might make the watermark a lil less visible, whereas brighter gifs i’ll make it a lil stronger!)

9) saving to the web 

YAY! we’re done! you made the gif! pat your back!!! 

mm okay now you have to save it !! so you can either do ‘CTRL++SHIFT++ALT++S’ or!!! 

‘File > Export > Save for Web (Legacy)’ 

your gif will take a moment to render, but when it does you’ll get this screen!!! 

these are the settings you should adjust to !!! 

(side note: pay attention to the size !! 

above certain mb your gif will be too big to upload !!! and tumblr will give you an error and tell you to try sizing down!!!)

also make sure: 

that it says ‘Forever’ !!!! 

and finally !! give your gif a play by clicking on the play button! make sure everything is fine and that your gif loops, and everything looks how you want it!!!

if you’re happy with how everything looks! 

click save !!! 

you can chose where you wanna save it and name it aptly !!! 

10) BASK IN YOUR AWESOMENESS!!! (AKA: uploading your gif) 

i wont explain this but now u get to upload your !! gif to tumblr!! eee :D 

and there she is!! isnt she BEAUTIFUL??? :~~) hehe !! 

anyway, i hope i helped explain this as CLEARLY as possibelf jfjfjaowiefnaweoia lmaooo this was ridiculously long so i apologize for that :~~( but i hope i helped you out! eee happy giffing angel!!!

[tsunderin]

Getting Pounded In The Ass By My Inability To Express Emotional Intimacy [A Dungeoning Ficlet]

((Warning for discussion of NSFW topics. The story itself is not NSFW.))

“I wonder,” he spoke coyly, knowing too well the answer to this riddle that stood before him, “what you would do in my situation. To be tempted as such. Knowing the sweetness of honey nestled within your comb...”

A breath left me like an arrow, futilely plunging itself within the air surrounding us--thick with desire--leaving no puncture with which to relieve the mood. “I can have no other.” Ain growled, the raspiness returning to his voice, instinct taking over as he cornered me against the stone wall. I knew I couldn’t escape him--he had my scent. I knew I didn’t want to escape him. I wanted him to take me here just as he had done during Lady Nesterly’s hunt.

My voice came out low, the words leaving like syrup from my lips, hoping to push him over the edge. “Say please.”

His gratitudes were not so verbose; a boon onto itself. Where once I complained of the sensation of stubble against my skin, I now found the prickles enticing, for what lay beyond them was a ruthless barrage of heat and tongue drawing me ever deeper into him and his ken. Forest, sweat, and dusk swirled around me, not even the moon daring to shed her light on our tryst. The dark can spawn such sweet secrets.

The gentleness with which Ain moved my dressings aside cooled my flame. The beast--my beast--content enough to light it once more with a mere meeting of eyes. “I can bear it no longer.” He spoke the words not to the air around him nor himself, but to me this time. A gasp of pleasure escaped me as the head of his… of his…

“What’s another word for ‘cock’?” The light clicking of heels against wood abruptly stopped, the train of thought likewise stopping as though it’d hit a brick wall.

A sigh came from the nearby desk, stacked moderately with papers and various other knicknacks. “I already told you all the ones I knew. What’s wrong with ‘cock’, anyways? ‘Cock’s fine. ‘Cock’s’ reliable.”

“Yes, darling, but I’ve already used it. I’m bored with it and everyone else is too,” the pale slim eclipse of a woman motioned to all the non-existent people standing beside them in their hovel of an inn room. Turning on the ball of her foot, she returned to pacing, this time lacking the staccato beat keeping her narrative flowing. Through all the humming, her companion--lanky and roguish--kept his eyes on the ceiling, more interested in keeping the quill balanced in the space between his nose and upper lip than the seeming issue at hand. “What about….” she drew out the vowels longer than necessary, “meat staff?”

“Don’t use that. Nothin’s sexy about meat.”

She huffed. “Then stinger.”

A soft clatter echoed behind him, the pen finally taking its inevitable plunge. “Isn’t that a little too on the nose? You know, honey, bee, stinger?”

“That’s! The! Point! We’re keeping on brand.”

“Uh huh,” Tom sounded less than impressed. “Noticed you used ‘bear’ earlier too. Hate to say it, but it sounds a lil’ cheesy, Syne.”

“He is a bear, Tom. It’s a very clever and well-thought out callback to his mythical roots. Frankly I’m disappointed that you don’t understand that.”

“I’m just sayin’.”

“And I am “just sayin’”. Who’s the expert here?” The pause that followed after filled with nothing but silence, long enough that if anyone else had happened to be in the room they may have believed that writer and transcriber were competing who could be silent the longest. The battle ended with a sound not unlike steam leaving a teapot. “Fffffffffine. Fine! We’ll take it out!” Syne threw her hands up, stomping back the three steps it took to be as opposite as Tom as she could be. “Does the greatest author of our time of mythical and otherwordly romance have any further knowledge to bestow upon me?”

“Ignoring that I did technically write those books… yeah, I do.” The expression Syne shot him was inscrutable. Mostly because her eyes were covered by her hair. “Writing dirty books is all well ‘n good, but we’re trying to get this out for The Feast of Cups. Don’t you think something more, I ‘unno, romantic would sell better?”

“Oh, Tom. Oh sweet, darling Tom.” She sauntered over to his desk bending slightly potentially looking at him eye-to-eye. “It is a shortsighted folly to aim for one day of glory. Certainly we could entice all lovers and those seeking the fantasy of love with a tale of two hearts overcoming their differences and learning to grow in their affection. But what then?” Her mouth waxed into a crescent moon of a smile. “Remain forgotten on the shelf as another, less worthy tale of princes and bodyguards or some such drivel takes our place? No!” Tom barely flinched as Syne’s palm slammed against the desk.

“We push the envelope of mortal desire not because we want to, but because it. Is. Necessary! ….And also because I want to, yes I’m not denying that, but this is also what the people want. Their underlying promiscuity laid naked and writhing in front of them! Romance is, after all, temporary, while scandal--”

“Lives forever,” Tom finished in a flat tone, all too familiar with this speech. A scrape droned against the floor as Tom pushed out his chair, his knuckles cracking like the spine of a freshly printed book while he stretched. “I’m not invested in it either way. Just thought it’d be fun to shake things up a bit. Like a limited edition kind of deal.”

She watched him curiously for a moment before turning her attention to her own fingers, examining them, moving them around in lieu of anything else to fidget with. “I didn’t realize you were such a romantic, Tom.”

He shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a sucker for happy endings.” He grinned at nothing in particular before moving towards the door. “I’m going out for a bit. You need anything from… uh, the woods, I guess?”

“Find me the smoothest stone from the bottom of the river, and perhaps I’ll forgive you for your slight against my brilliance.” It took only moments for Tom’s chuckle to dissipate into the air around her, leaving Syne alone with only her thoughts. It’d been a bad year for writing, but a good year for selling. And an all around good-bad year for ghost hunting. As much as she hated to admit it, there was a nugget of sense in what Tom had proposed. The only problem was that the dear fool didn’t realize it was impossible. Not impossible for her, of course. Nothing was impossible for she who had molded her own space in mortal society with the help of no one else. It would be impossible for her audience to fully comprehend the depth and beauty of a tapestry of romance woven from her lips. There would be an epidemic of wailing across the land. Businesses would be closed! Crops would not be harvested! ...Frankly, it would be annoying and Syne would not stand for it.

Yet Tom remained a much valued companion. It wouldn’t hurt to gently show him how much of a failure his idea would be. Holding more intelligence than the average mortal, he would catch on soon enough. Once reaching her conclusion, they would speak on such things no longer, and would return to more important topics of conversation like why mortals had no appealing dirty words for vagina. Or why candle wax was apparently a proper tool to use in the bedroom.

Night had remained firmly settled when Tom returned to the small room finding Syne lying backwards across the meager mattress, her body half on the floor as if she had melted and a low groan emanating from her as though she were still in the middle of the process. She all but jolted up--rather, rolled over on her side and pushed herself to a standing position pretending that her elegance had remained in tact during his absence--the moment the thumping of produce hit the wooden surface. “Ah! Tom. How good of you to return.”

A strange, uncomfortable quiet fell over them as Syne had no other comment to add. “...If you have something to say to me, say it.”

“Patience!” Syne hissed. That non-combatant tone of Tom’s almost made this whole thing worse. Her hair fanned out behind her, unable to maintain eye contact with her friend. “I have decided that this year, we will scandalize our readers in another way! We will boil their hearts into a paste and watch as the remains ooze out onto the grounds below.” Tom’s nose wrinkled in disgust, but he remained quiet. “It’s a brilliant idea, I know. There’s no need for adulations.”

Taking one final satisfying stretch, Tom slid back into the seat and resumed his writing position. “So once more from the top?”

“Yes, yes! Exactly! ...Where were we again?”

“Let’s start from that I wonder speech.”

“Very well. Please steel yourself, darling. I’d hate to find you a quivering mass of feelings, unable to even hold your pen.” Several times Syne opened her mouth to start, and several times no words came to aid her. Yet just as soon as one may have worried, her pacing began and finally words hit the air once more.

“I wonder,” he spoke coyly, knowing too well the answer to this riddle that stood before him, “what you would do in my situation.”

Syne stole a look at Tom. So digilant. Ever focused on the page in front of him. Oh. Oh, she had to keep going before-- 

He, uh, gently grabbed a lock of my hair between his fingers, inspecting the strands as if scrutinizing a masterwork of art. “Do you know how I yearn for you? How I have yearned for you?” Without warning his lips crashed against-- “No, no. Forget that last part.” Syne’s thoughts felt as unorganized as Tom’s scratches on the paper.

“How I have yearned for you?” I leaned into his warmth as his finger ghosted across my collar bone, aching for his lips to grace more than just my hair. “Hyacinth… you have undone me. I fear… no… I regret… no! ...I remember that night beside the raspberry bush as if I were reliving it each time my mind wanders. I could live without you, b-but the thought of it makes... Makes me…”

“...Are you okay?” Tom looked up, faced with the image of Syne’s forehead pressed against the adjacent wall, arms bracing herself for what looked like a good vomit.

A weak reply barely reached his ears: “I want to die.” She hadn’t even been able to make it through an entire paragraph’s worth of content! These characters weren’t even real! What care did she have that they were exceptionally sappy and in love?! All mortals were that way! Foolish and open with their feelings, ready to be destroyed by their wayward emotions and then having the audacity to be surprised when it was used against them! It was terrible. How were they alive?! Syne could hear her blood pounding in her ears, feel the heat radiating off her face like a stovetop. Nerves clenched her throat shut as she heard Tom’s heavy footsteps draw ever closer and she desperately wished she could phase through the wall and away from him.

Her shoulder blades tensed as his hand heartily landed on the horizon of her shoulder. “I’m starving. We should eat somethin’ before we head out tomorrow morning.”

An off-kilter laugh was too easily managed, and barely shoved aside by Syne clearing her throat and saying actual words. “Yes. Yes, that is a marvelous idea. We shouldn’t rush the muse, after all.” Steadying herself with a breath, Syne’s eyes widened seeing Tom holding not food out to her, but a pale grey thing.

Catching a whiff of her confusion despite the inaccessibility to half of her facial features, Tom again shrugged. “Doubt it’s the smoothest, but it’s pretty smooth. The rock. From the river. Like you asked.”

Long fingers wrapped around the small, oblong stone, running up and down its sides. ...It was pretty smooth. A genuine smile flickered across her mouth--a shooting star for a wish to be made upon. “Such a devoted one you are,” Syne mused quietly before returning to her more typical bombastic mannerisms. “You are forgiven, Tom! Remember my kindness fondly!”

“Yeah, yeah,” he scratched the back of his neck. “Anyways, got an orange and a pear. What do you want.”

“I’ll--” she stopped herself. “You may choose first.”

The look of surprise on Tom’s face was just as fleeting and just as precious. “Suit yourself.”

A romance novel to shake the ages may have been off the table for an indefinite amount of time, but what was such a thing compared to watching Syne eat a mortal orange for the first time, peel and all.

[skywalkerchick1138]

Across the Stars - Chapter 2

AO3

Prologue - Chapter 1

Okay guys, just a warning, I'm posting this chapter un-beta'd, but I'll probably have it edited at a later date. I just wanted to get this chapter out before "The Last Jedi" was in theaters, because I know I haven't worked on this in months and even though I've got most of this fic planned out, TLJ is still bound to affect this fic going forward.

Also, I edited the prologue a bit to tweak Mabel's backstory and some of that will be mentioned in this chapter, so please go back and re-read the prologue if you haven't already. Otherwise, you're gonna be a little confused.

As always, credit for this AU goes to the ever lovely @kerbabbles

--

A piercing shriek of metal scraping against metal broke through the entombing silence of the wreck. Mabel tried not to wince at the sound grating against her eardrums as she slid the panel out. She made a mental note that she ought to add some sort of ear mufflers to her protective gear.

A gust of old stale air and dust followed in the wake of the newly opened panel, briefly clouding her goggles. But if confirmed that her suspicions were correct and excitement pooled in her chest. This section had somehow gone untouched until now. These panels were bound to be full of good, useable tech that could keep her fed for weeks! So long as she didn’t blab about it to everyone and only took small bits of it at a time. Best not to draw suspicion from the other scavengers. The jagged scar on her calf bore testimony that she’d learned that lesson the hard way.

It was tempting to overstuff her bag, though. Grabbing only the pieces she’d need today, she carefully maneuvered the panel back into place, somewhat crookedly so it would look like someone had already disturbed it. Not many people ventured out this far into the Graveyard, believing these ruins to be picked clean ages ago. But you never knew who was desperate enough; who was hungry enough.

Sighing contentedly through her muffler, Mabel drew a grappling hook from her utility belt and secured her bag across her shoulder. She fired the hook across the gap and swung over, making her way back to the entrance that was spilling into harsh sunlight. She was almost reluctant to go back outside, as the gutted innards of the ship was marginally cooler than outside. But her parched throat and empty stomach demanded that she leave. She’d run her canteen dry a half hour earlier.

Her sled full of scrap greeted her as she removed her goggles and muffler. She was panting, but grinning. This was one of her favorite parts of the day. Placing her bag on the sled before her, she climbed on gingerly and then kicked herself down the dune, laughing giddily all the way down. Take pleasure in the little things, that was her motto.

The landscape around her was dotted with the effigies of long dead ships half buried in the sands. The Graveyard of Giants, they called it. It stood in testament to a grand battle that no one in Jakku’s living memory could recall. And it was all being whittled away, bit by bit. The Graveyard had stood for decades, maybe even centuries as far as Mabel knew. But one day it would have no more scrap to give.

Mabel didn’t think that even her grandchildren would live to see that, though.

Reaching the bottom of the dune with a dusty smile, she clambered to her feet and quickly piled her scrap into her speeder.

Today was shaping up to be a good day.

Dipper gave out a strangled scream of frustration as he tossed his wrench away, where it clattered across the deck. The engine, still emitting some waffty smoke, hissed silently back at him.

This was an absolute disaster. This was supposed to be a simple mission – just get the parts and get back to the freighter – Stan and Soos kept telling him there was nothing to worry about.

But then the First Order got involved. He’d gotten a harried, static-y message from Grunkle Stan about a Star Destroyer in orbit before it’d been cut off. And then soon after his ship’s engine had started to sputter smoke.

Dammit, this was something Soos should’ve caught during pre-flight. He was no good with mechanics and they all knew it, but normally he had Soos with him so normally this wasn’t a problem.

Now? He was stranded in the middle of the desert with an overheated engine (and nothing more, he hoped), only 3 days worth of food and water rations, and a Star Destroyer in orbit, which potentially meant Storm Troopers making their way to the planet’s surface, if not landing already.

He didn’t know for sure. The transmission between him and Grunkle Stan got jammed.

A shiver ran down his spine. His breath sped up and hitched. For all he knew, Stan and Soos might be dead now. For several minutes he knelt in the cockpit with his hand clamped over his mouth, trying to just calm down, dammit.

Surely the First Order couldn’t be here for him, right?

Once, when Dipper had just been a child, he’d been captured by the First Order. It had been the most horrific time of his life. They’d tried to recondition him, make him a Storm Trooper, had put him through intense physical and psychological training.

By the time Grunkle Stan rescued him, he’d barely remembered his own name.

You are MN-0618…No, I’m Dipper.

His life before capture was a jumbled mess of flickered half memories. If he’d had parents once, he couldn’t remember them. For as long as he could remember, Grunkle Stan and Soos were the only family he’d ever had.

Even so, there was an odd ache that didn’t go away. There was a nagging thought that something was missing. Sometimes he had vague memories of a small girl; or rather impressions of her. He couldn’t remember her face but he could just faintly remember the high-pitched sound of giggling or the smell of sugar. And it didn’t help when Stan looked at him with a certain kind of pity. The kind one might give to someone missing a limb.

It did no good asking about her, though. Every time he asked, Stan would shrug it off, change the subject, or when that didn’t work, he would just say “Some things are better left forgotten, kid.”

He’d tried asking Soos as well, but the usually chatty wookiee was just as tight lipped as Stan.

It was frustrating, Dipper didn’t like taking “no” for an answer, but the only two people who knew anything had sealed their mouths tighter than an air lock.

His head snapped up as he heard the sound of speeder bike engines. Or maybe just one? His hands fluttered anxiously as he wiped stray tears from his cheeks. He had to fight the urge to re-activate the cloaking shield – or the poor excuse of one anyway – while the engine was still recovering. He’d taken cover behind an old wreck of a Pelta-class frigate. If he was lucky, it would be enough.

Today was not a good day.

“What do you mean, a quarter-portion?!” Mabel screeched. “Last week these parts were a half-portion each!!”

Gideon Gleeful’s large, pudgy face twisted into a saccharine smile at her glare. As a child he had been tiny, smaller than Mabel even, but as the years had gone by he’d proven to be his father’s son and he had grown significantly into a hulking, top-heavy figure. Even sitting in his seat behind the rations counter, he towered over her now.

“That was last week, darlin’, but I’m afraid there’s not a demand for these anymore.”

Mabel scowled. That was the biggest load of bantha crap she’d ever heard. These couplers were always needed and she knew for a fact that no one had salvaged any in as good condition as hers. Not for at least a year.

Gideon rested his pale, freckled cheek into an equally pale hand, staring down at Mabel condescendingly. Her scowl only grew. Honestly, the Gleefuls had no right being so pale while living in the middle of a barren desert. Or so fat. (Perhaps that wasn’t entirely fair of her; she knew that half of Gideon’s pudge was pure muscle mass. Still it was no secret he was eating far better than anyone who worked for him, herself included.)

“I keep tellin’ y’all, Mabel darlin’. If you want more to eat tonight, you can install that fuel pump on the ship for lil’ old me.”

The ship in question was a rotting old freighter that hadn’t flown in years. It’s exterior name plate had mostly faded away with nothing more than a few letters spelling out “Th My Sha”. There was nothing wrong with wanting to get it running again, really. The problem was that Gideon was insistent on installing the stupidest modifications known to anyone. The ship, referred to by the locals as The Mysha for lack of it’s full title, was full of an odd patchwork of mods and fixes, and Gideon’s additions would do nothing to help. If anything, it would make the ship that much more likely to blow up on take-off. He apparently thought that, just because his father owned the scrap yard, he knew about ship maintenance better than anyone. Including those who spent their lives rooting through old ships instead of getting fat off of others’ labor.

But she couldn’t afford to go hungry again tonight. The last time Gideon tried to wheedle her into this and she’d refused, he’d thrown a fit and taken her rations away entirely. She needed to keep her strength up if she was going back for those other parts. “Fine.” She growled.

She didn’t like the way Gideon’s face lit up at that. Ever since they’d met as children, he’d taken an intense and rather creepy infatuation with her. She supposed that that, more than anything else, was why he strong-armed her into working on that decrepit freighter. True, she did know her way around a ship, but certainly there were better mechanics at this outpost.

“Perfect!” Gideon exclaimed. “Go talk to Daddy, he’ll give ya the parts y’all need. I’ll come check on your progress in an hour.”

Mabel made to grab the rations lying on the counter window between them, but Gideon got to them first, slapping a hand down on them just as her fingers brushed the rough plastic packaging.

“Don’t worry, my dumpling.” Gideon crooned. “You’ll get paid once you’re done.”

Mabel drew her hand away dejectedly. She turned on her heel, her back facing Gideon and paused. She’d really like to have spat some choice words at him. Her shoulders tensed, the words rising in her throat like bile. But she couldn’t. And he knew it. She could feel his smug gaze on her as she reluctantly walked away.

Well, there was something to be said for mechanics as a distraction. At least this way she wasn’t paying as much attention on her desperately gurgling stomach. Mabel wiped the back of her hand across her brow and pulled a faded pink bandana from her belt. She tied it up into a makeshift headband, pulling her growing bangs out of her face, and continued with her work. Installing modifications that she knew would do no good and repairing any damage Gideon had done.

He certainly had been through here today, too. She found his shoddy repair work everywhere she turned, it seemed. Sometimes she wondered if he broke things just to have the excuse to make Mabel fix them.

Not that he would’ve found that task difficult. The Mysha was older than Mabel and Gideon combined, and at least twice as old as Gideon’s father, Bud Gleeful. And it was showing its age, too. She surmised that very little of the freighter’s original hull remained, the rest being a patchwork of scrap and questionably legal installations collected over the decades.

She rather liked it. It had a lot of personality.

Sometimes, Mabel thought about taking The Mysha for herself - it had a rather long and proud history of trading hands through theft – but she always stopped herself. She…she couldn’t just leave.

“We’ll come back for you, Mabel! I promise!”

She had to stay put. She had to.

That was when she heard it; just the faintest, indistinct whisper. Her head jerked up. The dimly lit corridor before her was empty and still.

“Hello?” She called out.

No one answered. Cautiously, Mabel directed her attention back to the power couplings before her. Now, she just had to rewire this one, maybe some electrical tape to hold over the other one. Bud hadn’t given her enough couplings to replace this one…

…Ma…

There it was again. She pushed her goggles up to her head, trying to inspect the gloom before her, but again the hall was empty.

“Who’s there?” Mabel called out again. Again, no one answered. But something felt…different. She couldn’t describe it. The air was still and growing tense around her and yet at the same time…

…Ma…el…

There was a small, pinpricking sense of…light? Serenity?...coming from the passenger hold. She didn’t even quite know how she knew which direction it was, she just did. Slowly, as if in a trance, she got to her feet, her tools lying on the deck forgotten.

The closer she got, the feeling got stronger by just the barest degrees.

Mabel

The passenger lounge was dim and empty when she reached it, and yet there was a small but strong hum of that peaceful feeling in the room. She took a small cursory glance around. Nothing seemed out of place; an old pilot’s helmet here, some sort of training remote there…that hydrospanner she’d misplaced last month was on the dejarrik table. Huh. Other than that, nothing seemed really…

A small glint of metal met her eye from under the game table. Getting down on her hands and knees, she reached down underneath the table and pulled out a small object.

It was a strange little cube. She’d never seen anything like it; it was just a small, palm-sized cube, colored maroon and gold -was that real gold?- and as she turned it in her hands, she found a golden six-fingered hand on its face with a black number 2 etched into it.

This. This was what was emitting that weird feeling. She could practically feel it pulsing in her palms. But stranger still, she couldn’t find any emitters or energy outputs on it. It was…just a pretty box.

She’d never seen it before; it certainly hadn’t been here yesterday. She’d been through every cabinet and closet and compartment the old ship had to offer, and she was sure the Gleefuls had done the same before she’d ever set foot on the ship. So where had it come from?

The box was still humming in her hands, like it was waiting for her to do something. Slowly, almost unconsciously, her eyes began to flutter closed…

“Oh, Mabel!” Gideon’s voice rang sharply through the corridor. Her eyes snapped back open. Her hands clenched around the box and it had stopped it’s humming. The peaceful air that had been slowly enveloping her was now gone, as if shattered by the other’s presence.

“Mabel, darlin’! Where’d you go?”

“I-I’m in here!” She called back automatically. She snapped the satchel on her belt open and quickly shoved the cube into it. She’d just barely managed to snap it back shut just as Gideon’s towering form came in. Suspiciously, his eyes narrowed just a fraction, giving her a quick once-over.

“What’re you doing in here, dumpling?”

“I…” Mabel’s mind scrambled for an explanation. “I was – was short a few power couplings. Just trying to see if there were any spares in here. Yeah.”

Gideon was silent for a few moments longer. “Daddy should’ve given you all the parts ya needed.” He said finally. “I’ll talk to him about getting you ‘nother tomorrow.”

She breathed a quiet sigh of relief and followed Gideon back down the corridor to inspect her work. He deemed it satisfactory despite being incomplete and within 30 minutes she was perched atop her speeder and headed home.

Well, three quarter portions was better than nothing.

Just as the sun began to set, the familiar sight of her shelter came into view. It was an old AT-AT walker that was laying on its side, half buried in the sand and hollowed out like the corpse of a long dead beast. A ratty tarp was spread across its sprawled limbs, shielding the entrance from the sun’s harsh light. Nestled near the AT-AT’s half buried head-shaped cockpit was her moisture vaporator, still clunking away despite all odds.

Quickly, she parked her speeder beneath the tarp and crawled through the passageway into a small living space. The walls were littered with tally marks counting her days on Jakku scratched into them, along with the occasional graffiti reading “Lee wuz here!” or the image of a muffin-shaped cloud; one which Robbie had insisted many times was meant to be an explosion. More than once, Mabel had wondered how she had once managed to share this space with four older and larger teens when she barely fit the space now on her own.

It was also short of one lizard by the name of Craz. Mabel tried not to be too disappointed by this, it was only natural for him to look for food elsewhere.

Silently, she prepared a make-shift pan and set to work. Two of the portions she received were placed in the pan to be cooked, but the third was stored away in what passed for a cupboard. Just in case she came home empty handed again. She poured some water from her canteen into her only plate and mixed in a beige powder. Her lips quirked up in a little smile as she watched the powder quickly form and rise into a small loaf of bread. It never tasted that great, but she couldn’t deny it was just the tiniest bit cool to watch.

Soon she was outside, propped up against one of the walker’s feet as she licked the last bit of her meal away from her plate. Stuffing the last bit of bread in her mouth, she tossed her plate in the sand beside her and gazed up at the sky. Today had been…well, it’d been weird. She hadn’t gotten as much portions as she would’ve liked, and then there was that cube to consider.

Reaching into the satchel on her belt, she pulled the cube back out. She turned it over in her hands a few times as she considered it, but the weird peaceful energy it’d been giving off before didn’t come back. Maybe she’d just imagined it?

She shook her head. There had to be something more to it. It couldn’t just be a bit of décor.

“Well, come on,” she prompted it. “Do something.”

Silence.

Annoyed, Mabel shook it for emphasis. “What the hey-hey?! You were pretty chatty earlier!”

Still nothing.

Mabel groaned in frustration. What’d happened earlier that would make the thing call her name and make her feel calm but it wouldn’t do it now? It’d stopped when Gideon barged in, so she knew she had to at least be alone. But she was alone now and it wasn’t doing anything. Maybe there was something more on her part that she needed to do?

She brought the cube to eye level and tried to focus all her attention on it, willed it to open. When that didn’t work, she clamped her eyes shut and focused harder. A few moments went by and she peeked one eye open. It still hadn’t moved or done anything.

She sighed and dropped the cube back into her lap. Maybe…she was just trying too hard? The cube had made her feel calm and peaceful earlier. Maybe she needed to be calm too. Gently, her eyes slipped shut and she just tried to empty her thoughts. Just clear your mind, she thought to herself. Focus on your breathing…

Within a few minutes the peaceful energy creeped back into her awareness. She let it in and it slowly enveloped her body like a warm embrace.

As her eyes were shut, she didn’t notice how the golden corners began to turn opened. The cube began to glow a gentle blue.

Suddenly a mechanic warbling broke out across the silence of the desert and Mabel’s eyes snapped back open. She shot up, only barely remembering to shove the cube back into her pouch. The warbling noise sounded off again and this time she heard an aggravated voice following it. They were close by and whatever had made the noise sounded distressed.

Quickly, she grabbed her grappling hook in one hand and ran out across the dune towards the noise.

Several hundred miles away, a lone figure stumbled aimlessly across the barren dunes. Wendy Corduroy had finally shaken off her pursuers in what could only have been described as a ship graveyard, but her speeder had gotten destroyed in the process. And now she had been wandering all day, trying to find a settlement.

Her throat was parched and if it hadn’t been for her hat, she was sure her face would’ve been sunburned to hell and back. Her knees were quaking, her legs threatening to give out from under her.

As she crested another dune, she came across the wreck of a Pelta-class freighter. And behind it…was that the wing of a shuttle? She squinted. Yes it was, and…there! There was someone trying to work on it!

“Hey!” She called out hoarsely. The figure’s head turned in her direction and she shakily ran down the dune as fast as her aching legs would carry her. She waved her empty hands in the air. “Help!”

The figure – a brown-haired boy wearing a tan and red jacket, who looked to be only a few years younger than herself – hesitated for a moment, but seeing that she was unarmed, began to sprint towards her.

They reached each other at the bottom of the dune and she collapsed to her knees. He caught her before she could fall on her face.

“Are you alright??”

“I’m…” she rasped, trying in vain to wet her lips with saliva that just wasn’t there. “W-water, pl…please.”

The boy nodded, shrugged out of his coat and draped it across her shoulders. Helping her to her feet, he said, “Come on. I’ve got some rations on board.”

[agentredfort]

ruby redfort fic masterlist

What is this- geek central?

welcome to the Ruby Redfort fic masterlist, where I do my very best to collect every single bit of fic that’s out there on the internet for your convenience!

I’m not listing these based on quality (and besides, there’s not exactly a lot out there so i can’t pick and choose) so there’s going to be a wide range of fics in this list. any fics that I especially like will be marked as [PERSONAL FAVORITE]. any fics that I’ve added in recently will be marked as [*NEW*]. ships will be tagged!

if there’s any fics that you’ve noticed I’ve missed- or if you’ve written something yourself!- either shoot me an ask or a message via Tumblr and I’ll add it straight away. 

Onwards!

A Guide To Love For A Bozo [wattpad] by TeamSpectrum [multichapter, ongoing] Ruby/Clancy

This is a cluby fan-fic written by Agent Baker. Take a look to find out what happens.

despite the sparse description, this is actually pretty good.

Always [ff.net] by mockingjay341 [Oneshot, complete!]

Ruby is suffering from nightmares, but Clancy will always be there to make her feel better.

hella sweet. ruby needs a hug

Aren’t We All a Bit of a Bozo? [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [oneshot, complete!] Hitch/OC 

Heather looked across at Lydia as they ate their morning toast. “LB reckons there is going to be a new coding agent today, some kid. You know, the one Hitch is looking after.”

interesting concept!! 

Bozo [wattpad] by Kaya_Tano [multichapter, ongoing] Clancy/Ruby

Ruby Redfort, a thirteen year old Spectrum Agent, is facing more than just trouble at work. Her hormones are raging and her best friend Clancy Crew has fallen for her, hard. But Ruby doesn't notice because she is too busy trying to solve her latest case at Spectrum, and how will she cope when one of her closest friends is killed by the notorious murderer The Count, who is supposed to be in a high security prison? And who is the mole at Spectrum who is leaking information to him?

 not bad. i’m not a big fan of the ‘spectrum pairs ruby up with a cute boy her age’ plot, but this seems to be decently-written.

Changed at Birth [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Twoshot, now complete!] Background Hitch/Blacker 

“They said mum should have killed me with iron,” whispers Ruby.

the folk tale au i never knew i wanted tbh. only halfway done at the moment but it’s such a cool concept and it fits really well??

Convincing LB [wattpad] by Jasmine3103 [Oneshot, complete!]

I really wanted to know what Hitch said in CYD to convince LB to give Ruby another chance. So here is my version.

this was a really good missing scene sorta fic! give it some love if you’ve got a chance, the author seems really lonely to me

Family Ain't Just Blood [ao3] [tumblr] by celestialskies [Oneshot, complete!] [*NEW*]

Ruby looked up, aware that she probably looked like someone had tried to rock her to sleep by dragging her through a hedge backwards several times. Six hours of sleep over three days can do that to a person.

"Couldn't sleep," she muttered. In her tired state, she barely noticed Hitch's expression shift from one of surprise surprise and mild amusement to one of concern.

Ruby can't sleep, and Hitch steps in.

goddamn, i’m always a sucker for unconventional family stories. i actually squealed when I saw this one, which should give you  a pretty good idea of how much i enjoyed it

Five times Clancy Crew chained his bikes to Ruby Redfort’s and one time he didn’t [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!]  [PERSONAL FAVORITE] 

The first time it was a mistake- honestly the chain accidentally went through the frame and well, it only held Ruby up temporarily.

this is really hecking cute and is just generally really great. it made me smile a lot. please check it out

Grains of Sand and Love [tumblr] by  blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] Ruby/Clancy

Being sixteen suddenly brought the barbecues on the beach, adolescent drinking and all the drama that it comes with.

it’s no secret by now that I love this author, this is soft and lovely and good and you should really read it

High School Sweethearts [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] [PERSONAL FAVORITE] Ruby/Del, Hitch/Blacker

There was no way you could look between Blacker and Hitch and think ‘brothers’.

short and oh so very sweet. i think i’m crying. this one is so good, my gay little heart is appeased

hold on tight [wattpad] by w0nderland-writing [multichapter, ongoing]

Ruby Redfort never gets a break, and in this story Ruby goes on an epic adventure in the Grand Canyon.

pretty much exactly what it says on the tin. a bit scattered but mostly coherent.

In which Ruby was right to worry [ao3] by Wolfiethepretzel [oneshot, Complete!] [*NEW*] [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

Froghorn was a constant nuisance in Ruby's life. But as soon as he disappeared she realized she'd rather him be about.

perfect Ruby characterization and some really hecking good bonding/character development. if you read nothing else on this list, at least check this one out.

Look Into His Eyes And Take Your Last Breath [wattpad] by WARNINGwhovian [very long, complete!] Clancy/Ruby, background LB/Baker [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

Meet Ruby Redfort, a super cool teenage wannabe spy. She's been through thick and thin and survived things from a giant sand timer to a legendary sea monster to invisible thieves to mythical wolves. She's already one of the most experienced agents in her agency, Spectrum, without even being an official one yet. She thinks she seen it all. But Ruby's entering a dangerous stage of life where she is vulnerable to many things, lots of things she knows nothing about. But Ruby is unduly worried about the years to come. She's a dauntless girl. But when things start to go wrong in her social life, her agent training in Spectrum and the return of an old foe start kicking off and suddenly, everything happens at once. And Ruby is faced with a choice. A dream job at a top secret spy agency with an astronomical pay, or a scrawny boy who doesn't believe in a dangerous life. Ruby Redfort, the choice is yours.

to my knowledge, the only completed longfic in the fandom so far. although it could do with a bit of editing, the quality is overall excellent and there’s some twists in there that even i wasn’t expecting. I especially loved the Ruby-Hitch dynamic and interactions in this one. If you’ve got a spare hour or two, I definitely recommend that you check it out!

Riding the Rails [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] Crossover with Railhead 

“The Guardians want you, Ms Redfort,” says a station worker as Ruby stops her game of Rock paper scissors with Zen.

I can honestly say I’ve never heard of Railhead before, but was super cool nonetheless. it feels super surreal and the details were a+++- go check it out

Rosetta Redfort: Freefall [wattpad] by TeamSpectrum [multichapter, ongoing] background Clancy/Ruby

Ruby's daughter, Rosetta, discovers her secret-Spectrum.  A conspiracy to steal a gem that will lead to a collapsing mountain and a giant flood.  Will Rosetta crack like a diamond under pressure or will she stand strong?

an interesting take on a future-fic. might not be everyone’s cup of tea but i kind of liked it.

Love is blind, well Ruby is. [ao3]  [tumblr] by Neondragon54 [Oneshot, complete!] Blacker/Hitch

It's well known to the entirety of Spectrum not to go into the coding room after Hitch had returned from a mission. Everyone (Blacker) is distracted and more than once has an important agent (LB) walked in on two agents kissing.

Ruby doesn't know this rule.

Goddamnit, now I’m invested in this ship. this is also super good, read it.

Movie Night [tumblr] by goldstarsforall [Oneshot, complete!] [*NEW*] Blacker/Hitch

They got to the cinema a lot earlier than either of the men expected. It was a clear night, the air felt crisp and clean and if they hadn’t booked Hitch would have just wanted to sit in the park and talk.

heckin’ cute lil’ oneshot. a Good Ship. a Good Fic.

Ruby Redfort: Don't Look Around [wattpad] by maybeitsdella [multichapter, ongoing]

Welcome back Ruby Redfort: every smart kid's smart kid. 

After making Larva, Ruby Redfort's career in espionage is sending her off the ground running. There's no time to sit at home, with Clancy (who might just have a crush on her), sipping on banana milk, watching Crazy Cops. Not when the Count is still out there, and not when the Silent G is just sitting there waiting for her to fail (or die).

A promising start, this fic looks quite interesting. It’s only got a few chapters so far but I’m definitely going to be following it closely

Ruby's Rule 6 [ff.net] by mockingjay341 [Multi-chapter, ongoing!] [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

Ruby and Clancy have each other's backs - no matter what. So what will they do when they realise that sometimes our greatest strengths can also be our biggest weaknesses?

hell yeah, multi-chapter!! i really love how Ruby and Clancy bounce off each other so far, it feels super real. I’m honestly looking forward to reading more from this author. i haven’t felt this excited for a fic in a while

Silence Is Golden [tumblr] by blackers-donuts  [Oneshot, complete!] [PERSONAL FAVORITE]

There was a sharp knock at the door. Ruby was finally going to bury the hatchet with Froghorn by asking him for help. 

this is possibly the softest thing i’ve read in my entire hecking life. basically just the code team chilling around and bonding and honestly it’s just so sweet and good

Some kinda death wish [ff.net] by Bubbly Washing Machine [Oneshot, complete!]  [PERSONAL FAVORITE] 

They stood at the bottom of the stairs, in the dark, and argued. "Rube, don't go up there," said Clancy desperately, "just wait for the rest of the team." "Look bozo, someone's gotta take her out before she catches on and splits the scene." Clancy looked her in the eye, pleading. "Please. Wait for backup."

Beautiful little character study- cute and poignant.

Sweating Is Totally (not) Necessary [tumblr] by blackers-donuts [Oneshot, complete!] [*NEW*] [PERSONAL FAVORITE] Blacker/Hitch, Ruby/Del

The phone finally picked up, Ruby knew it was still Clancy’s first few weeks at the desk of Buzz and he was getting a grip with the phone system but it really should be quicker.

This wonderful person wrote this for my birthday, so of course I freaking love it. it’s a great character study and just generally all-round a Good Thing- there was a coding segment midway through that I particularly enjoyed!!

Other Things

The TeamSpectrum Collection on Wattpad- an assortment of short fics, competitions and discussions that’s been put together by a whole lot of users, including me! Definitely worth checking out. 

My own wide very small assortment of fanfiction, located over on this page! it’s not included here on the masterlist because- well, posting my own stuff is a tiny bit awkward- but i hope you read and enjoy my work all the same

My ongoing Social Media AU can be found here. 

LAST UPDATED: 14/08/2017