#i went a whole year in working at a physical food service job where multiple coworkers at various points and god knows how many customers

[acealistair]

i was wrong in the tags of that one post, i just tested today and i do have covid god fucking damn it

[jawbonejoe]

I spent a decade working in coffeeshops, on my feet all day doing highly specialized customer facing work in large teams with high turnover. Very often, in fact most of the time, I would be doing the work of multiple people or doing the work of a team lead while being paid the base employee rate. That was between $8-$10/hr BEFORE taxes. Very often I would take home a check from $450 after two whole weeks of work.

All this for highly skilled work, while maintaining my team, my team’s service to the customers who were watching us at every step, and doing the work of multiple people including training newbies. Next to no holidays off (Xmas and Thanksgiving you could pick one to take off in a year and you were expected to work the other) and any time off had to be submitted a month in advance to even be considered.

You got a 15 min break every shift which was often timed by your supervisor, you had to pay for any food you took from the shop itself, and if you worked more than 5 hours you got a 30 min break as well. Lots of people worked 4.5hr shifts so that management could avoid this.

Nevermind that the work was physical, always changing, and you were working with a team that was always in flux and dealing with the public which is routinely exhausting.

For all this work I was paid $15k in a whole year.

I now work remotely answering phones for a living. I sit the entire time, I can take breaks whenever I want, I went through several months of training before doing the actual job itself (compared to being thrown into the fire the first minute of my first shift in food service). I can work remotely for the most part so costs on my time and travel expenses are minimal, I have been health insurance and get time off for holidays, voting, vaccinations as well as sick time. And I make more than 3x what I did as a barista.

Generally my day looks like me noodling around on my computer reading books between calls. Calls can take about 5 minutes apiece, I say a few words to some confused people, and then I go back to reading.

The divide I mean to highlight here is that there is, just as OP illustrates, a huge gulf between what work is truly hard and deserving of a big paycheck and what work is paid more because it is perceived as being more meaningful or specialized.

I sell a luxury product for a huge corporation in my current job. In coffee I sold luxury products as well, but I was also the person making them. I have far less responsibility in my current job, the products are more expensive by orders of magnitude and the job is in all ways easier, better paid, more laid back and offers more mobility should I want it.

It takes next to no skill beyond talking to people to do what I do now. In coffee I was highly trained, organized, using all of my people skills to run the shop and my team and just make it through the day. And I wasn’t paid a third of what I make sitting on my ass reading romance novels now.

Pay is not equal to the value we give work. There’s not much more I can say about it beyond reminding everyone to tip your servers, your baristas, anyone whom you can tip. And to be mindful of the work that goes on behind the scenes. Try to make people’s lives better by recognizing the work they do, give money where you can and don’t make other people work for you on holidays. Until policy shifts to support laborers we have to do the work of uplifting one another and making labor livable ourselves.

I work as a programmer for $35 an hour.

They once forgot to pay me for 8 extra hours that they needed me to work on Thanksgiving weekend. They simply needed me to be present for 8 hours in order to quickly fix any problems that happened during their busiest weekend, and no such problems ended up happening.

When they saw the mistake and paid me for it, the gross pay for that day was $420 (base of $35 x 8 hours x 1.5 for overtime).

The first thing I noticed was how that compared to what I got paid at my warehouse job before I became a programmer. When I started the job at the warehouse, I got paid $10 an hour. For a full time week, I got paid $400.

I got paid more for that one day of doing practically nothing as a programmer than I did busting my ass at the warehouse for a whole week.

So enough about this "I work harder than them so I deserve more pay" bullshit. You're all the working class. In our fucked up system, hard work does not equal more pay. If you want more pay, you need to fight back against the rich assholes who profit off your labor and pay you jack shit, not fight with other people who are underpaid about who deserves to be more underpaid.

[stitch-n-time]

Can you explain how the US housing laws work? You have me interested

Short answer: they don’t.

Longer answer (because I have to work tonight and truly don’t have like 8 hours to write the thesis, because you bet your ass I could):

There is actually an internal structure that the low income housing system has been built around that makes it nearly impossible to navigate, difficult to get into, and specifically works against the people that it was supposedly built to help.

I’m actually not quite sure where to start with this, so it’s going to be all over the place and bouncing back and forth, but that’s also kind of on brand for the low income housing system.

The system as we know it is very much a post WWII thing, so the info here will be from after that point. A lot of this will be in kind of broad, sweeping terms. But since the US is like 60 different states in a trenchcoat trying to sneak into an R-rated movie, very little of it actually covers the entirety of the country. There are also state and city levels of bullshit that people have to wade through. Most people don’t make it.

I’m going to use my own experiences as an example. But know that my experiences are NOT typical. When I started down this rabbit hole, I was a 30-ish year old white woman, a part time student, presented as a professional female on a daily basis, had a fairly stable income from a job I had held for years, and a vehicle (though making payments). All of this put together meant I had it pretty easy.

Some of that caused problems, though. The vehicle was a problem. It was a newer model gently used vehicle. According to the dealership, the previous owner had traded it in because it was a manual transmission and they wanted an automatic. When I bought it, it had less than 60k miles on it and was in excellent condition. In the eyes of the people who approve the paperwork and rubber stamp applicants for low income housing, I could get rid of that vehicle, and the moneys spent on the payments and insurance could go toward housing. Which would be reasonable, except most of the US doesn’t have public transportation at all. What public transport does exist is sketchy, rarely runs on schedule, and often does not go into residential areas. I COULD have gotten rid of the car, but that would have meant a 2 mile hike to the nearest bus station, 4 hours on a bus to get to class and 5 hours on the return trip twice a week, then a 2 mile hike home OR a 2 mile hike to the nearest bus station, 4.5 hours on a bus, another 2 mile hike to get to work, and the same on the return. At that point, I would have been spending more time on the bus than either at work or school, and might as well just live on the damned thing, since all I would have time to do at home is shower and MAYBE eat a sandwich?

But that’s also typical. Part of the laws as they are written specifically state that a person or household can not own physical properties that are over a certain value, because those properties could be sold in order to elevate the person/family’s lifestyle. That also makes household absolutely reliant on public transportation, which is simply not available in many poor areas.

Which goes into redlining, and systemic racism, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

The fact that I was a student also worked against me. If a person can afford to go to school, they can afford housing. So why would you want/need help from the government? I’m just thankful that I was a part time student when the need for low income housing arose… If you’re a full time student, you are automatically denied on any application for low income housing. There are different legal designations for “low income housing” and “student housing”. They can not exist in the same housing complex for legal reasons. So if I had been taking one more class that semester, I would have been denied, and would have been homeless.

That in itself doesn’t sound terrible. And there’s reasons for the legal differences. But think about it… What if I had been in the last semester of school and something had happened? What about the people who are both enrolled in school and are working, trying to make ends meet, trying to be able to do something better, and either their lease is up or they get evicted or… I don’t know… their house burns down or a tornado hits or suddenly medical bills? If a person fills out that paperwork while still a student, even if they say “I’m graduating next month and want to move in the month after that” they still count as a full time student and would get denied. Which means leaving school and being spit out into the post graduate world probably without a job, while being denied help with keeping a roof over their head, when it’s absolutely necessary to have a physical address while searching for a job.

Which goes into the anti-homeless way of thinking, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

I’m going to lump the “fairly stable income from a job I had held for years” and “presented as a professional female on a daily basis” into one, because they are directly related. I had worked my way through a trade school, and had been working in the medical field for nearly 4 years. The practice was open 4 days a week. I was there 2 days, the male counterpoint was there the other 2 days. If a client preferred one of us over the other, either they scheduled appropriately, or the doctor asked us to come in for that client’s appointment time. Because a large portion of the clientele were middle aged and older, as well as conservative, the dress code reflected accordingly. Since I actually REALLY liked the job, and the doctor and his family were pretty awesome people, I dressed and styled accordingly, on a daily basis. But because the number of hours on the clock varied with the number of clients scheduled for therapy appointments, there were times when those paychecks got mighty thin. There were absolutely trends of busy seasons and light seasons. Sometimes during that light season there were days when I would go to work for a couple of hours, go home until about 3PM, then go back for 2 or 3 hours. It was hard to pin that down.

Having to explain that I could not pinpoint an amount of annual income with any accuracy while filling out the application worked against me. And just about anybody who works in retail, food service, etc. - all the jobs that people with low incomes tend to have – will tell you that they suffer the same thing. Go  into work, put in a couple of hours, and have the manager come tell you to go home because it’s not busy enough to justify having people on the clock. But without having an accurate estimation of annual income (that could be verified by their calling your employer) means that the application is denied. The general consensus is that if you can’t pinpoint your annual income, then you’re lieing on the application, which means you’re untrustworthy, and therefore don’t deserve to get the help you need to keep a roof over your head.

That conservative professional look helped me here, though. I went into the office dressed well, in khakis and a nice blouse, to fill out the application and speak to the people. While I was there, another lady came in to fill out an application. This is somebody who I happened to know personally. She was also a professional, who was arguably in a slightly better place than I was because her income did not fluctuate (though it was low, as she was recovering from a divorce and most of the family income had come from her ex husband), but she was “dressed down” in shorts and a t shirt. We made the same arguments. I ended up in an apartment, and she did not.

Honestly, I was actually lucky to get into an apartment. A lot of people don’t realize it, but even with things being classified as low income housing, it takes a LOT of money to get into places. Just like every other rental in the US, before you move in, you have to pay the first month’s rent. And a deposit. And if you have pets, another deposit. And the cost of having the electricity and water turned on. And depending on the specific details of the contract you have to sign, possibly trash pickup. And if you want internet, either you pay for that and get a modem through the ISP, or you pay extra on signing the lease. And if you want to do your laundry in your home (if there’s even a hookup), there’s an extra rental fee for a washer and dryer, unless you bring your own.

I got lucky. When I applied and was approved, this particular housing development was running a “special” - if you sign a lease, you get one month rent free to use within 12 months of signing. I had to use it immediately. With all the extra fees and everything else, I could either pay for the rent OR the deposit, but not both – so I paid the deposit and laughingly told them I’d like to use that free month on the first month, immediately, right now, please and thank you, now where’s my key? They almost turned me away at that point.

I honestly believe that if it hadn’t been for my professional clothing and the fact that I could point to a couple of scabs on my face, that I would have been denied at that point. (The scabs were from a dog. I had been renting a room from a “friend” who is no longer a friend. Her dog bit my face, and instead of punishing the dog, she decided I needed to move out that weekend. Note: this is literally the ONLY time I’ve had a dog bite me, despite having been around them most of my life, and this particular dog had snapped at multiple people before.)

Which goes into classism, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

Now the thing that has been on my last nerve for a few years now is a good one. The laws state that if your household changes in any way, you have to fill out the application again. Doesn’t matter if you literally got approved the day before: you fill it out again. Because there have been household changes. It doesn’t sound terrible at all, but I know somebody who got evicted from low income housing and ended up homeless because his wife left. Suddenly the household size was smaller, but had the same income, and it was over the limit for the household size. Sorry not sorry you have to go. I know somebody who was evicted for “falsified paperwork” because she had a baby and was in the hospital for 2 weeks, so didn’t get the paperwork in on time. They ended up in a homeless shelter (in this city, homeless shelters are more expensive than a lot of low income housing). Now she’s in debt that she’ll probably never get out of, due to that.

What’s more is that the eligibility requirements to be able to pass those income thresholds change constantly. Out of curiosity, I tracked the changes over the course of a year. Just checking on the first of the month. In a single year, the income requirements changed 10 times. It’s not easy to keep track of, and there’s not much reason to track it unless it’s literally part of your job, in order to keep in compliance with the laws.

My own personal gripe is much less severe than that. I can’t get married. Technically, my fiance can’t live with me. On paper, he lives with his parents, miles away. But he spends most of his time in my apartment, which is under my name only, because I’m disabled (but ineligible for disability) and need his help. We’ve been together for a decade. We’ve been engaged for over 5 years. But if we get married, then the household changes, and we have to fill out the paperwork and get approved again. The thing is: if we put together our incomes into one “household” income, we would never be eligible for low income housing. Which means we would have to move out.

Moving out comes with it’s own difficulties. Because of the paperwork you have to sign to lease low income housing – and depending on where you are because 60 states in a trenchcoat – there are hoops to jump through. The lease in this particular development,  you get a choice. If you break the lease you either a) pay the full amount of rent on the apartment through the end of the lease term or b) pay two months’ rent on the apartment after termination of the lease. So not only would we have to find other housing that we could afford (with all of the move in fees, deposits, transfer of service fees for utilities, bla bla bla), we would also have to pay 2 months’ rent on top of everything else. Which means either borrowing literally thousands of dollars from an individual – banks won’t do loans for this – or having to decide which bills get paid and which don’t while surviving off of ramen noodles for months at a time. Which… uh… would not work well with the man-thing’s diabetes.

Which all goes into respectability politics, and deciding whether or not poor people deserve to have stability and emotional fulfillment, which is a huge part of this, but is a whole ‘nother essay.

Now this may sound like a whole lot of personal whining. And it kind of is. But I can’t speak for anybody else. This is my personal interactions with these people and with the laws behind their behavior. But it’s the laws themselves that are written to be exclusive of the people that need help the most.

Homeless people can not apply, because they don’t have a current address.

Unemployed people can not apply, because they don’t have an income.

Full time students can not apply, because of the legal definitions of the different types of housing.

People with “disposable” property (such as cars) are often denied because they could turn those assets into monies.

People who rely on that “disposable” property for work are unable to take advantage of low income housing due to the above.

People of color who have been relegated to specific neighborhoods where public transportation is not available due to the redlining of the last century are unable to take advantage of low income housing due to the above.

People who do not have thousands of dollars readily available are denied because they can not pay both the deposit and rent.

People who face employment discrimination (even though it’s illegal) are denied because they can not provide proof of steady income.

People who have bounced from employer to employer are often denied for the same reason.

People who have successfully gained low income housing are often unable to change anything about their household.

People who have successfully gained low income housing are often unable to get out of it if their situation improves.

All of it is written into the laws surrounding the housing itself.

So…. Yeah. It doesn’t work. But if you want me to actually get into the nitty gritty, I can start actually researching. But somebody’s gotta pay me for it.

[prorevenge]

Mess with minors and my job? Lose your job and your boyfriend.

Tl;dr at the end because this is a doozy.

Alright circa 2014 I worked for a large movie theatre chain in a small Midwestern city. Job was pretty awesome outside of the shit pay and essentially no way to move up. I like to think I am good at my job and I try my hardest no matter where I work. In this particular situation I was one the most tenured employees at the theatre save for two other folks who had worked there part time on the side, and had full time jobs elsewhere.

So for the sake of this story I need to tell you about Jane (not actual name). Jane started working for the theatre 2 months before me. They worked elsewhere as a supervisor and was looking to move up at the theatre. Right after I started one of the managers left to work at a different theatre and the supervisor moved up. We had two managers, one general manager (basically the highest level at the theatre), and a supervisor which is a manager in training. (This is important.) Jane somehow got the supervisor position even though there was another person who essentially was promised the position due to their continued service at the theatre for almost 8 years. There were rumors about Jane sleeping with the GM when she started and this situation got them going again. I didn’t care too much because why would I, I am but a lowly peon in the corporate machine. Anyways Jane moved up and the tenured crew member left the company because they got screwed over.

Once Jane moved up we had a whole meeting about her moving up and how the theatre focuses on professionalism and ensuring no favoritism was happening. Specifically referencing how normal crew members shouldn’t fraternize outside of work with management.

Jane didn’t really listen to that though. She continued to hang out with the crew members who were mostly underage and would do various things like go drinking with minors, taking them to bars and buying them drinks or simply buying alcohol at a store and letting them drink at her house, I honestly have no issue with the drinking at home deal, just adding context, as well smoke weed with them and post pictures on Instagram. Oh yeah I forgot to mention Jane had a secret Instagram where they would post pictures of themselves with their friends from the theatre. They chose Instagram because none of their family or their boyfriend used Instagram and no one would know right?

Even more damning was her relationship with a 19 year old that worked at the theatre. She had a boyfriend who had been with her for years and honestly supported her for all intensive purposes. Not only did she have a 19 year old side piece, but also was messing around with a 17 year old. I even caught them messing around in the break room one time. She essentially threatened me with my job if I told anyone. Honestly she could’ve just told me to please be quiet and I would have just judged her silently.

Fast forward about a year or so and another one of the managers left for a new job. Jane obviously moved up and someone else took the supervisor position. Now I won’t go into too much detail, but despite my tenure and performance I was looked over for the promotion. A newer crew member who was really good friends with Jane got the position over me. This was confirmed by the other manager who let me know that Jane was definitely in good with the GM, who ultimately made the final decision. That being said I was beginning to sour and making minimum wage for years at a job that couldn’t give a shit about my efforts and continued performance. That being said I was preparing for an exit.

Before I get into my exit, it is important to note that Jane had and most likely still has a problem with me. I have talked about some issues I had with her, but I never escalated or even confronted her about anything she did to me up to this point. I honestly left it be. But I didn’t like her and the fact I didn’t like her or play along with her bullshit infuriated her. So much to the point where she made my life hell at the theatre. When she was a supervisor she didn’t have much power but when she became manager she began giving me shit shifts, convincing people that I was weird and to avoid me (I mean I am weird but not like avoid me weird), threatening me physically, threatening my job, her and her gang of misfit assholes also slashed my tires (I have no solid proof, but my car was parked in the employee lot and ya know only employees can get in), beyond that she also made fun of my girlfriend (my now wife) for having an invisible illness (MS), she would make her life hell because she had a disability and had some minor limitations. Add together all of this, plus my GF went off to college, plus getting looked over for the promotion, suffice it to say I found a new job.

I had a few close friends at the theatre including my now wife who I met while working there (silver lining right.) I had let a few of them know about the new job, but told them to keep it on the DL since it was still two weeks away. I had put my two weeks in with the GM and asked that he also keep it on the DL since Jane and her posse would fuck with me. I told him that I wanted to tell everyone myself so it kept him quiet.

Now the important thing about my new job is that it essentially paid me double my wages from the theatre. All of my friends were stoked for me, I was taking a job that would also have me making more than the managers at the theatre but also a job that put me on a better track in life. That being said with Jane and I butting heads on multiple occasions and her track record of messing with me, she decided to get one last attack on me. She started a rumor that I was just going to call out on all of my shifts the two weeks before my new job started.

With her last act of revenge in motion, the GM approached me and let me know that he wouldn’t be scheduling me the last two weeks. I tried to explain to him that the rumors were bullshit that I needed to work because it would be my only source of income. I told him that Jane started the rumor and I started to tell him all of the other stuff as well. He of course didn’t believe me and told me that Jane wouldn’t do what I was saying she would do. So it was her word vs mine. I contacted my new job who let me know that my start date was firm and that their budget wouldn’t allow me to start until two weeks later as originally planned. Now here I am essentially jobless for two weeks. Now I was upset, but I was also lucky. I was still living with family and didn’t have to pay rent, so I sucked it up and essentially told myself that I would just take a forced two week vacation. But Jane didn’t stop there. She escalated again by having one of her cronies call my new job and tell them that I got fired. I was luckily able to talk down my new boss by letting him know that this wasn’t the case that I put my two weeks in and everything else, but that was the last straw.

I left my last day at the theatre and while it was sad and I was upset that I wouldn’t be able to work out the last two weeks of my job that I had for years, I was focused and determined on revenge. Rule #1 of living a secret life and having a secret Instagram is not add every body and their mother to the page. I had a friend of a friend who also didn’t care for Jane let’s call them Joe. Joe and I had gone to high school together and briefly worked at the theatre together. He and Jane were part of the same group at the theatre until they had a small falling out. Nothing crazy but he wasn’t exactly happy with her. I talked to Joe and we discussed my issues with Jane over some lunch that I bought for him. (Food is the key to all revenge plots.) Once we ate and discussed my problems with Jane I asked for his help. I needed access to her Instagram. Ya know the secret one, showing her hanging out with underage employees, drinking alcohol and smoking weed with them, and also some mushy posts about her 19 year old boyfriend, as well as some moderately racy photos with her 17 year old fling. With very little discussion he gave me full access.

I took screenshots of essentially everything. We are talking 2-3 years worth of illicit and moderately illegal activity. More than enough to get her fired and to raise some questions in her relationship. I took the screenshots and I printed them on the most high quality paper/material that CVS had to offer. I also copied them too a few flash drives for good measure. I purchased two yellow padded envelopes (can never be too safe), and I filled them both with copies of all of the posts as well as a flash drive with additional copies. As well I included a note in each one for the appropriate parties.

One of the envelopes was taped to the back door of the theatre. There was somewhat of a blind spot so pulled into the parking lot from the rear and snuck around the corner mission impossible style to tape the envelope to the back door. On it was the GM’s name, as well in the letter I merely stated that one of their managers had a secret Instagram with a lot of damning evidence of not only favoritism, but also fraternizing with underage employees amongst other wrong doings. In the letter I also requested her immediate termination or the information would be provided to the district manager as well as our corporate office. I made sure to put it somewhere the GM would see on his morning sweep when he opened the theatre. The second folder and letter was delivered to her home by Joe. Joe agreed to this as I knew Jane’s schedule and had a good idea of when she would be gone and he knew where she lived from previous hang outs.

With both folders delivered it was only a matter of time. Before I knew it I was receiving death threats from Jane’s gang. All of them saying that they knew it was me and that Jane was going to come after me, that she never did anything to deserve this. It didn’t matter to me of course, I no longer worked there and would hopefully never have to deal with them again. From what I heard she was taken into the main office of the theatre and the GM let her have it. He ultimately had to fire her because there was very clear proof that she was in direct violation of many of the rules and conditions of her employment. As well her boyfriend with proof in hand kicked her out of his home.

Last I heard she moved farther north and hasn’t held down a solid job since. Her family didn’t want much to do with her once everything came out with her cheating on her boyfriend. Also the part about fooling around with a 17 year old tends not to sit well. In the end I started my new job without fail and moved on from that place. Haven’t see much of anyone from there since.

Tl;dr: Manager makes my life hell, continues to hang out and fool around with underage crew members, lives to regret it. Enjoy losing your job and your boyfriend.

(source) story by (/u/Ike09161995)

[purplesurveys]

1127

1. What is one thing you will never do again? Watch The Hours. Film itself is great, but is way too triggering.

2. Would you rather be twice as smart or twice as happy? I’d take happiness easily. It’s not bad for the most part to make mistakes and I’d rather be too clumsy than be altogether miserable.

3. What happened the last time you cried? It was the day of what would’ve been our anniversary and at that moment I was alone in my car at a parking lot (waiting for the office to open) on a gloomy day. I just had to cry and let my feelings out for like 5 minutes to accept everything but I was immediately fine afterwards, haha. Grief can be funny.

4. What happened the time in your life when you were the most nervous to do something? My first job interview. It was my first adult thing ever. They never got back to me - very professional of them - but I was still grateful for the experience nonetheless.

5. What would your parents be surprised to learn about you? That I was in a whole ass relationship for technically 6 1/2 years. They probably have an inkling by now, but only about me being in a relationship. I’m sure they would be very surprised if they ever found out how long it had actually gone for.

6. What’s your worst habit? I pick at my toenails when I’m nervous or stressed. I tend to do this when I’m doing a work task that I particularly dread, and sometimes I’ll end up being fixated on the habit for like 10 minutes straight and not get anything done.

7. What superpower would you have for one day? Time travel, just to take quick trips to multiple decades and see how life was like during those times.

8. What fictional character do you have the biggest crush on? Matty from 13 Going on 30 would be one of them. Albert Finney’s character in Two for the Road is also charming as fuck.

9. Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world? If money wasn’t an issue, probably somewhere cozy in like Switzerland or Canada.

10. What is your most bizarre pet peeve? Not necessarily a pet peeve but I get extremely uncomfortable when someone hands me a gift then they insult the gift while in front of me, saying it’s not a great gift or that I probably don’t need it, etc. Filipinos also have this habit of saying something along the lines of, “You earn way more than me so you’d probably think this gift sucks” like how do you want me to react :(((((( I love receiving gifts and the idea of being thought about already means a lot to me, so it just makes me wince a little bit when I hear statements like the above.

11. Who knows you the best? Gabie, probably. I’ve changed a lot since then, though.

12. What after school activities did you do in high school? Clubs were mandatory extracurricular activities in my high school; in my time, I joined the table tennis and yearbook clubs.

13. What “most likely to” superlative would you be most honored to receive? Idk, we didn’t have those in school. I probably would have been honored to get a journalism-themed one though; something like Most Likely To Write for NYT or Most Likely to Win a Pulitzer or something like that. Obviously that’s changed now and I’ve long let go of journalism as a passion.

14. What’s the last book you really loved? I haven’t read in a long, long while.

15. What was the greatest television show of all time? I don’t watch a lot of TV so I’m not the most credible decision-making body for this lol, but out of all the shows I’ve watched the best one would easily be Breaking Bad.

16. What’s been your favorite age so far? 16. Life was insanely easygoing back then and everything fell into place for me at the time.

17. If you could go back in time, what is one piece of advice you would give your younger self? Know when it’s enough. Be kind to yourself.

18. What one thing would you be most disappointed if you never got to experience it? Have kids.

19. Apologize or ask permission? I don’t understand the relationship between the two.

20. Unlimited love or money? I would love to never have to worry about finances ever again.

21. If you knew you would die in one week, what would you do? Take a week-long leave for work, spend all my money, bond with my dogs, throw a party for my closest friends, and honestly, make my peace with her.

22. What’s your most listened to song? Spotify doesn’t show that feature, but I bet it’s from Paramore or Hayley anyway. It would be impossible to know my most-listened to song of all time, like if we took into account my Spotify, iTunes, etc.

23. Beach vacation or European vacation? I need a beach vacation badly, but a European vacation would be a new and different experience. I’d take the latter.

24. If you could have been a child prodigy what would you have wanted to be skilled at? Playing the piano.

25. What’s the first thing you would do if you won the lottery? Depends on how much I won lmao. I’d probably retire this early if the money was big enough since I’m pretty stingy anyway. But generally, I would like to pay off whatever bills my parents are currently paying for, get back the car that we had to sell because of the pandemic, and maybe go for a solo vacation or five heheh.

26. What celebrity would you trade lives with? Kylie Jenner, for a day. Just so I can briefly have a taste of how being that rich is like.

27. If you were a performing artist, what would you title your first album? Nope.

28. What story do your friends still give you crap about? Staying with Gab despite the red flags that glared for four whole years is one of them. Angela will also never let go of that one time I tried some kind of fruit juice in high school and I described it as ‘packs a punch.’ It’s understood as a super Westernized idiom where I live and literally no one uses it in a casual sentence, so it was a hit with her and now we use ‘packs a punch’ whenever we want to describe something awesome or surprising.

29. If earth could only have one condiment for the rest of time, what would you pick to keep around? Mayonnaise and I will die on this mayonnaise-coated hill.

30. What is the ideal number of people to have over on a Friday night? Ideally? At this point? Like 20. I would love for that to be the case on the first Friday we can consider the Philippines COVID-free.

31. What was the worst age you’ve been so far? Sorry for yet another incoming Paramore reference but they literally have a lyric that goes, “22 is like, the worst idea that I have ever had.” Before turning 22 I used to think it was a weird line, like how could 22 possibly be unenjoyable? Now I’m 22 in a pandemic going through a rough breakup and I can’t even see my friends nor work in my first workplace ever.

32. What is your weirdest dealbreaker? If they wanted only cats as pets. I can deal with a dog and a cat, I guess; but cats were never fond of me so I feel like I’d struggle with this situation lol.

33. What fictional character reminds you most of yourself? Mr. Peanutbutterrrrrrr. Has a lot of love to give, doesn’t always use it on the right people. Also lives on pleasing others.

34. Do you believe in karma? Just to a tiny extent, in how I would want people’s awful actions to come bite them in the ass one day. It’s not a philosophy that controls my life and the things I do whatsoever.

35. What was your favorite TV show as a kid? My absolute favorite was Hi-5, with the original cast. As I got older my interests shifted to Spongebob and The Fairly OddParents.

36. What is the weirdest thing you find attractive in a person? I don’t think it’s weird, but I don’t hear thighs too often when people list down their favorite physical traits. It’s certainly one of mine.

37. What Jeopardy! category would you clear, no problem? A Friends-themed one, obviously. This reminds me of the Jeopardy night I had with some friends a few nights ago! That was so much fun, and Andi makes really great and fun questions hahaha.

38. What is something you’re superstitious about? I don’t think I am about anything.

39. What is the scariest experience you have ever had? Maybe that night my grandpa went into a drunk rampage. I was 9, right in his line of sight, frozen and scared shitless, and I didn’t know who he was going to strike next.

40. Who is a non-politician you wish would run for office? I never really think about this. If someone’s a non-politician then there must be a reason they aren’t, lol.

41. What cheesey song do you have memorized? Little Things by One Direction is very cheesy and it’s one of my least favorite songs of theirs, but I still have it memorized out of habit.

42. What one dead person would you most like to have dinner with, if it were possible? My great-grandpa died all the way back in the 70s, even before some of my aunts and uncles could meet him. It would be cool to spend time with him.

43. Do you think it’s important to stay up to date with the news? Yeah, absolutely. I have the stomach for it lol, so I always monitor what’s happening locally and globally. Skipping the news from time to time is fine because I get how anxiety-inducing and depressing some events can be, but there’s a huge difference between ignoring the news for your mental health and being indifferent altogether. I’d immediately judge anyone who’s the latter, and would assume you are incredibly privileged.

44. What is the best present you could ever receive? My money refunded -____________- I had food delivered to my director, Bea’s house as a surprise earlier today, but apparently I ran into a scammer driver and the fucker drove away with the meal I had bought for Bea. I reported the driver and the situation, and thankfully the customer service rep of the food delivery app quickly responded and said they’d return the full amount I paid for; but I still haven’t received it.

45. Would you give up one of your fingers if it meant you’d have free wifi wherever you go, for the rest of your life? No. Mobile data exists for a reason.

46. What’s the first thing you’d do if you were the opposite sex for one day? Check out my voice.

47. If someone told you you could give one person a present and your budget was unlimited–what present would you get and for whom? I’d love to surprise Angela with an overseas trip that would last for like a month. Traveling is one thing we have yet to do as best friends.

48. What is the nicest thing someone could say about you? Nothing particular, but it makes me happy when people call me strong and when they validate the shit I’ve gone through over the years.

49. Giant house in a subdivision or tiny house somewhere with a view? I would take the giant house. When it comes to my own place, I would want to have a lot of space to roam around.

50. What is the weirdest quirk your family has? Nothing is coming to mind.

[lowellchanning]

Q U O T E

Courage is not the absence of fear but the judgment that something else is more important than fear.

B A S I C S

NAME lowell thibodeaux channing NAME MEANING since lowell’s father passed before he was born, lowell’s mom, birdie, wanted to honor her late husband in naming their son. channing means young wolf, so she chose lowell, meaning little wolf, as a way to carry on her husband’s legacy. thibodeaux, meaning bold or brave, is birdie’s maiden name. NICKNAMES in college when he grew a beard each basketball season he garnered the name sasquatch, sometimes shortened to squatch. some of his coworkers call him that around the station. GENDER cis male PROUNOUNS he/him AGE thirty-two BIRTHDAY august 13 BIRTH PLACE new orleans, lousiana

F A M I L Y

PARENTS guy channing (father; deceased), birdie (mother; surname tbd); charles (step-dad; surname tbd) SIBLINGS step-sister (name tbd; wanted connection here!) PETS gus, a rhodesian ridgeback

A P P E A R A N C E 

FACE CLAIM derek theler BUILD 6′5, athletic. lowell’s muscles have always tended to be defined without him having to put too much effort into it, though that doesn’t mean he doesn’t put in the hours needed both for his health and his profession. lowell balances his love of junk food and midnight snacks with lean proteins and plenty of greens. HAIR light brown. the longer it gets, the more curl and texture it has, and lowell takes the time to style it properly. when he grows a beard his whiskers tend to be more on the ginger rather than brunette side of things. EYES blue DISTINGUISHING MARKS surgical scar on his left elbow from fixing a break sustained during a basketball game when he was 12. TATTOOS wolf paw print between his shoulder blades STYLE modern, casual comfort. shorts, tanks, jeans, t-shirts, and flannels. ACCESSORIES his father’s watch. lowell doesn’t wear it on his wrist, but it’s usually in one of his pockets, or kept safe and tucked away in his nightstand. HYGIENE lowell sometimes showers multiple times a day, and has for years depending on sport practices, games, and workouts, and then on work calls SCENT le labo santal 33; sandalwood and leather

P S Y C H O L O G Y

LANGUAGES english and some creole phrases/expressions VOCABULARY average-ish. he can figure out ‘big’ words with good context, and got used to looking things up from a young age. MEMORY keeping a calendar and to-do lists on his phone is needed more so for organizational and focus TEMPERAMENT sanguine  LEARNING STYLE mainly kinaesthetic, but there are some auditory elements that work for lowell. EMOTIONAL STABLITY pretty high, though that’s because lowell’s worked hard (after some rough teenage years) to have a steady foundation, which his job definitely depends on. sometimes he still bottles things up and will release it all during a workout, but over the years he’s learned when to confront something head-on rather than allowing it to fester. 

C H A R A C T E R

PRIORITIES carrying for others and most importantly his family, both familial and found MOTIVATION making his family proud SELF CONFIDENCE lowell’s always had confidence in his physical abilities. it’s his intelligence where his confidence will at times waiver, but he feels like he’s found a profession that allows him to shine. SELF CONTROL lowell had to learn some level of discipline pretty early on when it came to managing sports and academics. those lessons his mom helped instill have carried through to adulthood and lowell’s career choices. HOBBIES playing music, basketball, outdoor adventures, camping, gardening MANNERISMS usually a bouncing leg/knee when sitting still, especially for too long. running his hands through his hair when talking. touching his neck when nervous. scratching his forehead or cheek when stumped and trying to come up with an answer so he won’t feel dumb. also saying his sirs or ma’ams or missus as his mother taught and expected of him. HABITS after failed medication attempts, lowell found that yoga helps center and focus his mind, plus has improved his overall flexibility, which helps on the job, so he does at least a short routine every morning. on saturdays or sundays, depending on his shifts, he’ll make a big breakfast spread, have hot chocolate (sometimes with coffee), and do a crossword puzzle, because having to look up clues on his phone isn’t cheating, it’s just learning. ABILITIES strength and endurance. musicality. empathy.  INEPTITUDES lowell isn’t the brightest crayon in the toolshed, and had to put forth a lot more effort than most when it came to learning and course work in school. he also can’t dance. whatever grace and agility he has when it comes to athletics, and the fact that he can drum and keep a beat, goes completely away the moment he steps on a dance floor.  SOFT SPOTS animals, tiny humans, and other people who have suffered loss GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT graduating college, then the firefighter academy, and passing his EMSVO, EMT, and AEMT certifications WESTERN ZODIAC leo CHINESE ZODIAC dragon PRIMAL SIGN orca HOGWARTS hufflepuff ONE SONG "in the air tonight" phil collins ONE BOOK the giving tree shel silverstein ONE MOVIE mrs. doubtfire

P R E F E R E N C E S

LIKES the tired feeling in his muscles and bones after a productive and intense workout or physical call. tacos. pizza. nachos. whoopie pies. his mom’s etouffee and po-boys. root beer floats. spending the day out in nature. gaming. sports. DISLIKES moxie. salt and vinegar chips. ranch dressing. still not a huge fan of maine winters but dealing with it. KINKS consensual voyeurism. PET PEEVES people who are rude to service workers. the trend of crank 9-1-1 calls on tiktok.

H O M E  +  W O R K  +  E D U C A T I O N

HOMETOWN new orleans, lousiana (until 14); somerton, maine CURRENT RESIDENCE bridgeport, row house TRADITIONS sunday family dinners HIGH SCHOOL bursted park high (basketball and jazz band) COLLEGE somerton university (basketball) DEGREES b.s. with a concentration on social work/sciences CERTIFICATIONS FFI, FFII, hazardous material operations, public safety diver, EMSVO, EMT, AEMT PROFESSION firefighter/emt (10+ years) EMPLOYER somerton fire and rescue EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES pick-up basketball, cover band drummer

B I O

New Orleans was all Lowell had ever known. Aside from only a few out of state vacations, the city had always been home. And honestly, growing up in Nola meant Lowell got the best of the both worlds: big city living with a small town feel thanks to the neighborhoods and wards of Nola. Families on their street were friendly and nosy, and honestly Lowell’s mom, Birdie, didn’t mind at all because one, she had nothing to hide, and two, was more than happy that when other people learned of her situation -- a widowed and working single mom -- they were more than willing to help out. Which was how instead of becoming a latchkey kid, between after school hours and school vacation, Lowell became a surrogate member of more than a few neighboring families. And while Birdie wished she had been able to make it home from the hospital for more dinners, she was always home in time to sit down at the kitchen table and help Lowell struggle through his assigned school work.

The story was always the same each new school year, with every parent-teacher conference and IEP meeting. Lowell was always a pleasure to have in class, but he was either struggling with math or reading comprehension or his overall attention was lacking. But while Lowell and the general classroom weren’t on the best of terms, he excelled in other areas. Given his size and the fact that he towered over most of his classmates, it wasn’t shocking when the gym teacher had glowing remarks and commented that Lowell’s abilities were well beyond his years, but Birdie was surprised to learn from the music teacher that her son was both attentive and eager to learn in her class, too. After informing Lowell that participation in extracurriculars was dependent upon remaining in good academic standing, sports and music became an award system of sorts. It also didn’t hurt that burning through energy on the field or court, or banging it out with his drums meant that Lowell was less inclined to take out his frustrations of not understanding a word problem or summary question on a kitchen chair or wall.

The summer before eighth grade Lowell started to notice that his mom was coming home early from shifts now and again, getting gussied up, and leaving him with instructions for cooking frozen pizza or bagel bites while she went out. She was always home in time to look over homework and make sure Lowell was in bed on time, so Lowell never wondered too hard about it. Until the day she came home and said they’d be having a guest for dinner. Lowell met whom would become his step-dad that night. Two weeks later he met whom would become his step-sister. And before the start of the new school year, but after a small ceremony in the backyard, the new family had packed up all their belongings to move nearly 2000 miles up north. Chuck, an anesthesiologist,  had a new job at Kane-Russell Memorial in Somerton, and there was no doubt that he could pull strings and get Birdie on the RN rotation there, too.

While having a new family should have been the biggest change in Lowell’s life, everything about Maine was so different from Louisiana. Somedays it felt like Lowell was waking up in a whole new country, especially with his accent and missing his favorite local foods. But eventually school started and Lowell fell back into familiar routines of sports, music, and school work, and soon enough it wasn’t so scary putting roots down in a new place with a new family.

By the time Lowell graduated high school he had a scholarship for Somerton U. Even though he could have lived at home, he lived on-campus to have the full college experience, which also included playing as 4-year starter Seahorse on the basketball team. Lowell might have graduated with a social sciences degree, but after their team bus came upon an accident one winter night and Lowell witnessed firsthand everything the emergency response squads were doing to not only save people, but just to calm their nerves, he sort of felt like maybe he had a found something that could be a good fit for him. Lowell was already working towards his EMT certification when he graduated, and after moving back home began to apply to the Somerton firehouse. Lowell’s been part of the Somerton Fire, Rescue, and EMT Services family for ten years now and loves that every day is a bit of a new adventure. When he’s not working, Lowell’s playing drums in a cover band that sometimes performs at On the Rocks or hanging out with dog, Gus.

[literalbuzzkill]

Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

[wirewitchviolet]

Abuse I’ve just had to sit with forever

Right now I can’t look anywhere without seeing people speaking up about abusive monsters in various positions of power and it’s really triggering a lot of PTSD for me about all the times I’ve been in positions like that where nobody has ever listened or tried to help so... I’m just going to rattle off all the ones that come to my head, anonymously, and I don’t know, if anyone who knows me wants to ask me about any of these and/or try to really do something to help, maybe come talk to me about it through whatever private channel we talk in sometimes.

Family stuff. There’s a lot, and there’s no real way to talk about any of it anonymously because I mean being members of my family it’s already narrowed down way too much.

Someone once put me in the temporary care of a woman who savagely beat me because her own children were making too much noise when they should have been asleep. Bad enough that when I went back to school I was almost ripped out of my home by child protective services on the assumption that’s where it happened. Oh and she also force-fed me rotten food with maggots in it. I ended up pretty sick as a result, lost a whole lot of weight, and ended up with a serious eating disorder that’s plagued me since. I did eventually get out of there but I don’t know that I’ve ever really conveyed the full extend of it.

One of that woman’s children had some sort of torture kink, very nearly killed me, did put me in the hospital from injuries, and might have raped me. Hard to say because I was like... 7? Hard to translate those memories now that I have the context and vocabulary. I tried to explain that to anyone who’d listen at the time but, again, I didn’t have the vocabulary and I don’t think it came across that like... ropes and tools were involved, not just fists. Never got into that with therapists, because the first one I had really loved playing gatekeeper with trans stuff and liked the “maybe you just think you’re a girl because of abuse as a child” line of thinking too much already. I think I heard he eventually landed in prison though, so that’s something?

The first job I ever had. Games website. I was too young to be working but nobody ever thought to ask about it, and my family needed the extra income to avoid homelessness besides. The owner of the site... was really into open sexual roleplay in workplace text chats. I was so young and weirdly sheltered that I didn’t even process that that was even a thing, and 90% of it went straight over my head, plus I was in a weird state at the time with the whole trans thing where oh yeah, if anyone’s doing any roleplaying stuff on the internet, I’ll be in the character of me-but-a-girl but everything is pretend here right? So... there was a whole lot of mounting and thrusting being described and it took a few years to sink in that that was not in fact about him pretending to be a knight with me as a horse or something. And there was also a lot of... failing to pay me for years of backbreaking work, outright stealing from me, and I mean, I was up until like 4 AM every night working while still in high school. So, yeah. that was a lot. Never told anybody about any of this. So far as I know he still runs the site and nobody’s ever confronted him about anything.

Used to try to play various RPGs with some people in this extra niche-y game space. Sort of the first place I was ever read as a woman without offering anyone “corrections.” And... there was just this one guy who whenever he was GMing had some weird creative excuse for my character (usually the only woman in the party) to... be raped and/or impregnated just all of the sudden and totally out of left field. Which everyone was OK with somehow. And when he wasn’t GMing he was all over my character of course. Never really spoke up to anyone. I just left one day.

Ended up... in the inner circle of someone very famous. Mostly famous for being a victim of abuse. Which is why I ignored... every single red flag there is that someone is an abusive person and taking advantage of everyone around them. They controlled every aspect of my life for years. Had me do a whole lot of work for them, place myself in real physical and psychological danger, regularly. Directly asked me to severe ties with most people in my life. Install kill-switch sortware on my laptop for their piece of mind that none of our conversations would ever be seen by anyone, while also making me talk only in privately managed chat services where they logged everything and my screen wiped at regular intervals, and insisting I use an untraceable alias in it. All of this I was constantly assured was for my own safety as much as theirs, somehow, and that I was their most valued friend who they would keep safe, start paying a huge salary to soon, as well as help secure me a safe place to live and get properly started on medical transition stuff that I was unable to do in the increasingly unsafe place I was living at the time. I could keep going with this, but again, I don’t want anyone playing guessing games. Eventually, as serial abusers do, this person got sick of me, cast me out, and said presumably unspeakable things about me to everyone in that social circle, because everyone quite promptly cut all ties to me without a word. I once mentioned some small fraction of this publicly in defense of... multiple people attempting suicide as a result of this person’s abuse, and it was made very, very clear to me that this is not someone I will ever be able to safely speak about in public.

Another person who is very famous, with ties to abuse prevention stuff, added me to a blacklist to kill my career prospects and then kinda put a hit out on me on a neo-nazi website, but I’ve written about that incident. Nothing happened as a result of speaking out aside from the violence I was already being subjected to ramping up and more people cutting ties with me. Oh and those who didn’t are still quite friendly with her.

Several women with ties to... dangerous people randomly got it into their heads several years ago that I posed some sort of threat to someone I am told they “feel very protective towards” and... unleashed a hell on me unlike anything I have ever seen. I have spent the past 6 years now dealing with death threats from far right terrorist organizations who in some cases have very sizeable body counts, and those groups don’t scare me anywhere near as much as these people. Anyone else I have seen them paint a target on completely withdrew from the internet their careers and any sort of public life to try and stay off their radar. I have had multiple people privately confide in me that they had been threatened never to speak to me again before proceeding to make good on that. I have individually thrown myself at the mercy of every single one of them, explained that I have absolutely no ill will towards any of them, and had never even heard of this person they’re “protecting” before they started coming after me. Nothing has worked. They’ve never stopped. I’m legitimately afraid someone connected to them is going to murder me some day, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve confided in all of maybe 3 people about this. One might be dead, one is a total hermit, the third briefly tried supporting me, received threats, and promptly retracted everything, replacing it with a fire and brimstone speech about how I am an evil monster who tricked them. I have regular nightmares about this, and collapse into a shivering heap just seeing any of their names mentioned.

I... spent a good deal of time in social contact with a person I have been told I need to be friends with to advance in a career I would like to pursue. While doing so, he sabotaged a project that was fairly important to me, and I saw some him mistreat someone else in ways I find quite disturbing, but that’s her story to tell and not mine. I don’t feel comfortable around him, and have no real choice but to give up on those dreams. Haven’t really discussed this anywhere. The sort of work I can get would definitely vanish completely if I did.

The sort of work I can get also involves working for a variety of companies with people very high up the ranks who have seriously harmed a number of people I consider to be very good friends, in ways that in some cases include sexual abuse, and I... really would prefer not to ever work for anyone employing such people now that I am aware of this.

Yet another famous person, but one who I feel perfectly comfortable naming, Graham Linehan, used to follow me on social media with a level of enthusiasm that could arguably be better referred to as stalking. Then later he joined some extremist anti-trans hate group and rose to the top pretty quickly. And some years after that, it finally sank in that worshiping a trans woman while also leading a group of people bent on killing us all, so he has been very loudly and very publicly rambling about his hatred for me specifically. I don’t really have to speak up about this one because he’s doing plenty of that on his end, but I do have to note that while this famous person terrorizing me hasn’t really earned me any sort of public defense or sympathy, it has encouraged a whole lot of people to invent an alternate timeline of events where I am directly responsible for him being a bigot, leading to me getting dangerous threats from both horrible bigots and people who claim to hate horrible bigots but have suspiciously poor aim.

Hey speaking of celebrities, one of the stars of Firefly used to regularly send me photos of violently distended testicles. One of the stars of Star Trek once posted something encouraging millions of social media followers to attack me and left it up for a weekend. One of the producers of World of WarCraft once threatened to sue me for libel and went on a big PR tour about it, speaking on podcasts and such, and so many fascists pretending to be journalists have dumped so much crap on me...

And not to long ago in something of a wacky mixup, someone ELSE rather famous, who does diversity consulting no less, confused me for someone else and cut loose with a horrific bit of hate and gossip and throwing me under the bus, and misgendering me, saying random harassers baselessly calling me a pedophile were probably onto something. Privately told a handful of people about that, because I thought she was a friend and that was so heartbreaking, but anyone I told is just pretending not to have seen it.

Someone was once offering me help because I was in a dangerous situation, financially. I explained that things had been extra hard since coming out as trans. Suddenly he goes from helpful and concerned to just... violent. Screaming a me, openly trying to chase me out of the space we were both in. I reported this to the proper people. They tried talking, he left. The whole community mourned the loss and wondered who could have driven him off. Still doesn’t feel like a safe place for me.

I don’t really know why I’m bothering with all of this. Nobody is actually going to help. I’d say nobody is actually going to read this, but I’m sure plenty of people who hate me will to see if I’m talking about them and use it as justification to make things worse. Plus some people I’m not talking about I’m sure. I get plenty of that all the time.

Nothing ever helps and you can’t ever win. If you try to keep the abusers appeased by not outing them, the abuse never stops. If you try to speak up, their fans and friends treat it like declarations of war and pile on. If you just try to be there for other people when they’re being abused, you get singled out as a “troublemaker” and added to hit lists and black lists and... nothing works.

I don’t want a lot out of life. I want to know I have enough food, and have a place to live where I’m not at risk of dying from either temperature extreme, a bathroom, enough room for my book shelves, a bed, a couch, a dinner table, and a yoga mat. Maybe a space where my cats can run around a little enclosed semi-outdoor area for the fresh air and sun. I want to be able to deal with my medical problems. I want to see and talk to friends sometimes. If I’m really greedy, I’d like to have all that for a particular friend too who I’m constantly worrying about dying of poverty. And I’d like to be able to work on games. Maybe play them sometimes. Maybe watch things.

And that’s the really messed up part. Because abusive people and people supporting the structures of abuse always say they just want to focus on getting work done, or having fun, and it’s a lie. What’s most important for them is perpetuating abuse. They could just stop, or get rid of the people doing it, and the rest of us could live our lives and everything would be fine. But no instead we have to drop everything and make sure no woman anywhere feels safe enough to even breath.

[brajeshupadhyay]

Two days before learning that she would lose her job, Lissa Gilliam spent hundreds of dollars online on baby products. A 37-year-old expectant mother, Ms. Gilliam had planned to ask local parents in Seattle for used strollers and secondhand onesies in a bid to reduce waste. But as the coronavirus pandemic ravaged the area, new items delivered in boxes seemed a safer bet. She figured she could afford the splurge, earning $50 an hour as a full-time contractor designing educational curriculums for a nonprofit. But then, on April 2, her employer slashed her hours and told her that her contract would end in early May — a few weeks before she is to give birth. Suddenly, like many others, Ms. Gilliam became hyperaware of her expenses. She and her husband, a high school physics teacher, now take a painful daily tally of their financial priorities: Is that $5 monthly web magazine subscription really necessary? How much does watering the garden cost? When will they need to tap their paltry savings? “We’re OK for now,” she said. “But the bottom may fall out from under us.” As millions of Americans lose jobs, take pay cuts, close businesses and absorb family members into their homes, they are being forced to rethink where their money goes. Even before the scramble for new jobs can begin, people are cajoling creditors, looking for gig work or simply cutting back to get through the first few disorienting weeks. “An economic shock like this could have a long-term impact on people who have traditionally felt like they were being cautious, that they weren’t profligate with their money, but didn’t have to worry about paying for rent or affording food,” said Stephanie Aaronson, the director of economic studies at the Brookings Institution. “They might have more debt, which will make it harder to spend in the future, or they might just feel less secure, which could boost savings and potentially dampen the recovery.” Ms. Gilliam and her husband are waiting for Washington State to make jobless benefits available to contractors through a federal assistance program, and hope to take advantage of a state program for maternity aid once their daughter is born. A $15,000 construction project planned for the rear of their house is on hold. They canceled their gym membership, their Hulu streaming service, multiple newspapers and even the Adobe Acrobat software that Ms. Gilliam uses for design work. On the whole, Ms. Aaronson said, household finances “were in relatively good condition as of six weeks ago — they were actually pretty healthy.” Now, she said, “a much broader swath of households are experiencing a complete loss of income compared to what we typically see in a recession.” Before the pandemic, Carol Cruz’s private health insurance plan cost her $840 a month — up from less than $500 four years ago. The bill ate up most of her $1,200 monthly paycheck, exceeding even the $600 monthly payment on the house she shares with her husband and their 17-year-old granddaughter in Tulare, Calif. On March 29, she was furloughed from her part-time job as a mental health therapist until at least the end of May. Other than the state unemployment benefits she hopes to receive soon, Ms. Cruz, 62, no longer has an income. So she got on the phone for at least three hours a day, asking for leniency from the health insurance provider, her mortgage lender and the credit union that holds the loan for her husband’s Chevrolet truck. All offered her more flexible terms, including 90-day grace periods and pay-what-you-can options. (Some creditors, she said, were less willing to negotiate.) The adjustments help keep the bills manageable, Ms. Cruz said. But her grocery costs have doubled, now that the price of eggs has soared and her granddaughter is no longer having free lunches at school. “I don’t know about my future,” Ms. Cruz said. “I’m not letting myself think about tomorrow, just about whether we have food today and money in the bank.” But some people, many of whom have never seriously budgeted, are now mapping out strict spending schedules for the next few months. After being furloughed in mid-March from her bartending and serving job at a Minneapolis concert hall, Krissy Calbert, 26, went from earning $300 in tips some nights to having no income as she waited for government aid. “It was two weeks of just panic — I was just going off the groceries I already had, trying to ration until money came in,” she said. “You get really creative. You eat little half meals, and you experiment with your seasonings and condiments to try to forget that you’re eating the same thing over and over.” Earlier this month, Ms. Calbert began receiving a weekly infusion of $1,100 from the state. She is now trying to reschedule when monthly bills are due so she can space out the payments: $600 for rent, $75 for her phone, up to $120 for utilities, $60 for streaming services, $200 for credit cards, plus other expenses. “I’m trying to get all of my credit card payments into the same week, so I can have a credit card week, a rent week, a phone week,” Ms. Calbert said. She has switched her grocery shopping from Target to Aldi, where, she said, she can afford to splurge on fresh produce and protein. Without health insurance, she is willing spend an extra $30 or $40 on fruits and vegetables in hopes of keeping her immune system strong, she said. “I can’t take the risk,” Ms. Calbert said. “A hospital bill right now would ruin me.” More than half of lower-income adults in the United States say they will struggle to pay bills this month, compared to a quarter of their middle-income counterparts and 11 percent of those in the upper-income tier, according to a survey of nearly 5,000 adults by Pew Research Center. Researchers defined a three-person household earning $37,500 to $112,600 annually as middle-income. Over all, more than half of those who expect a federal stimulus infusion will use most of the money to cover essential expenses, while one in five say they plan to save the funds. To create a financial buffer, many people are hunting for freelance or part-time work. Searches for work-from-home jobs rose 126 percent in March on FlexJobs, while traffic to the site has boomed 58 percent from a year ago. On Upwork, companies are looking for people to provide tech support for their homebound employees and to draft corporate messages about the coronavirus. Lonn Dugan, a digital marketing specialist in Sylvania, Ohio, has seen many clients scaling back their promotional efforts, such as one nonprofit that cut its budget by 90 percent after a major annual event was canceled. But another client, an agricultural supply company, commissioned a major website update, while a local mental health group wanted to ramp up its virtual support groups. The pressure on Mr. Dugan, 60, is intense. His workday is three hours longer than it used to be, between his existing clients and his attempts to drum up new business. He and his wife lost a third of their incomes; neither is eligible for government aid. “We’re completely overwhelmed by the shortfall. We can afford groceries and maybe the house and car payments, and that’s it,” he said. “But we’re not alone, and we’re focusing on acceptance as opposed to hand-wringing. We’re taking care of necessities, and that’s enough for right now.” Still, Mr. Dugan admits being stretched thin emotionally. He misses his wife, even though they are in the same house and she no longer needs to make a two-hour round-trip commute to her health care job. But the couple are so busy trying to stay afloat that they have stopped cooking fresh meals and turn instead to frozen dinners and fast food. “We just don’t have time,” he said. “We’re exhausted at the end of the day.” The post Finances – The New York Times appeared first on Sansaar Times.

http://sansaartimes.blogspot.com/2020/05/finances-new-york-times.html

[solastnightidreamt]

The company I used to work for was having their Christmas party and I was invited by several people so I went. There was a whole Secret Santa deal that was supposed to happen after dinner and we all just hung out with our presents. There was a food course and apparently part of the food wasn’t to be eaten till a certain time because it was like a game or something and a bunch of people had eaten it bc they were hungry and we weren’t given instructions not to. Our manager kinda panicked because people had ruined the game so I suggest we team up to play this game since not everyone had eaten their things- they were like jello molds of like spoons? Anyway, we played the game and then did the exchange. I had got one of the girls I was cool with and gave Emily her present. Apparently the manager who fired me irl and in my dream got me, so he gave me my gift and attached to the outside was a grocery store gift card and a $20 with a note that said ‘since you can’t do your dream job’ implying that my dream job was to work for him and that me being fired hindered me from doing that. 

I got mad and showed it around to people and made a statement basically saying that this was not my dream job and that I was actually doing my dream job and was successful at it. Basically a big 'fuck you for thinking so highly of yourself and this place and thank you for firing me because it led me to happiness’ and threw the gift card and money back at him.

Some people got awkward but others were like ‘yeah fuck you man’ so the party continued. Part of the gift exchange was like a ‘prompt’ exchange, so everyone was supposed to make/gift a home decor piece based on a word/emotion. I don’t remember what my prompt was but my manager had given me one that he made for me and it was alright but I remember being jealous of the one that was gifted to the manager. It was really cool, just this big like 6foot tall wall piece that was a bronze male figure and there was a piece or metal or wood or something set behind him that was painted in a way that made it look like the man was fighting against the wind, and it was all held together/framed in a brown/brassy curved rectangular rod.

At the end of the party I had to sign some paperwork saying I hadn’t bought anything from the store because legally I wasn’t supposed to be there without being an employee. Signing that was like my lawful proof that I didn’t steal anything so I signed it and then out of spite looked around and found a couple of small things to steal on principle. 

When everyone started leaving the manager pulled and said he felt kinda bad about the gift and his insinuation and wanted to offer me something. He took me outside and showed me a car. 

He said it had been left to the company and they had no use for it and remembered that I liked Supernatural so he wanted to give me the opportunity to buy it before anyone else did. It was the wrong year and color but the car was still amazing so we worked out a payment schedule and I was able to drive away with it. For some reason my sister and her husband were suddenly there on the street and she stopped me and asked if I could drive her husband home. I was a little weirded out as to why but I said yes, so as we pulled onto the road I told him it was gonna be a rough ride home and apologized because I’d never driven this kind of car so I was gonna be a little off my game trying to figure it out. 

There was only like half a tank of gas and I wanted to fill up so we stopped at the gas station and suddenly my bro-in-law turned into the coworker I got for my secret santa. She was cool and we were at the gas station but it was like the layout of a parking garage with multiple levels. We were on the second level and when I got out to pump my gas the area where you stand in front of the pump was cut out and I could see down into the main level of the gas station where the clerk was. 

I was standing near the rear of the car trying to lean over this opening in the ground to pay but the card reader was fucked up and spit out my card along with an 8 dollar scratcher (which I don’t think even exist) so I had to go inside to pay/redeem the scratcher. The line inside was super long so Emily and I left and went to find a bank or something. She was driving and I told her to be careful with the tires and car and she ended pulling over so I could finish driving. 

I pulled up to a weird mall and we got out and were looking around for something and then I was suddenly in a hippie type store with some rich black dudes in Vegas. We were looking around for souvenirs and I was like lowkey tryna steal them because I was too broke to buy them and as we were nearing the exit of the store one of them was like ‘ok lets go checkout’ and he took my stuff to the register with him so I followed and as he was paying the store turned into a bank. Off to the side where they usually have like waiting chairs and little cubicles for the banker who handles accounts/loans stood one tiny desk and then the rest of the space was filled with a bunch of blue upholstered church pews. 

I was waiting for the dudes I was with to finish so I could get up to the teller window when Meat Loaf

Yes, ^^that Meat Loaf (what the actual fuck, brain?) walked into the bank with a fucking shotgun. 

We all hit the floor and scrambled to hide while he went off on this big racist rant and shot one of the black guys I was there with. I was arguing with one of the bank tellers to call 911 but they wouldn’t so I finally wiggled my phone out and hid under a pew. 

When the emergency operator answered she said, ‘You’ve called 911. Can you tell me if Indian is closed or not?’ (Indian Ave is a street where I live that is closed like fucking half the year due to heavy wind/sand, or extreme flooding when it rains.) 

I whispered, ‘That doesn’t matter I’m not there.’ 

“I need you to verify if Indian is closed or not so we can verify the call as real.’ 

I was literally shaking under the pew, terrified of getting shot and appaled that this was happening on the phone, so I just said closed to get it over with. 

I heard her typing and then she said, ‘Oh it actually just opened up, ok, how can I help you?’ I told her I was in a bank in Vegas and there was a shooter there and she kinda groaned and went, “Ooooh, yeah, um, I don’t think I can help you since you’re not here.’ 

I told her I was out of town and just called 911 but didn’t know how to call local 911 so my phone automatically dialed my hometown police as if 911 services were based on where you lived vs where you physically are when you call. 

I was shaking and whisper-yelling at her when I saw his shadow move from where he was. He walked around the pews and I was scooting along the floor trying to stay under the cover of the pews but he got to the front and he saw me and knew I was on the phone. 

I was just crying and staring up at him and he leaned in a little and said, I’m not here for you’ but then he started walking to me. I was backing away from him on the ground and he reached down to grope my arm/shoulder and said something but I cut him off and yelled ‘don’t touch me asshole’ because it felt like he was gonna try to rape me or something. I kicked him away with my foot and apparently that was not the right move because it made him mad that I didn’t trust that he wasn’t gonna hurt me, so then he grabbed his shotgun and was going to shoot me. 

I ran out of the building and hid around the corner, yelling at the lady on the phone to help me and found a door on the exterior of the building to try and find somewhere more secure to hide. I would up in a weird spa/drug factory/fucking medical lab or something. A good looking guy immediately found me and was trying to comfort me and get the deets while not invoking a panic and I was sitting down shaking and telling him everything that was going. He sat me down in a lobby type deal and across from where we were sitting there was a door with a big glass opening at the top. Apparently this place connected to the bank vault because I looked up and Meat Loaf was walking down the hallway toward me/this door and I yelled that it was him and he was after me so I started running trying to find a place to hide. There was a solid cement wall near the door beneath the glass and I didn’t have time to run anywhere else so I shoved myself on the ground there and he shot through the glass on the door above me, killing a couple of people that weren’t on the ground. I bolted and ran down a hall bursting through doors trying to find the best place to hide. 

One room was like a lab where they made drugs and there were powders all over the place and a bathroom in there but it felt too obvious so I ran back down the hall and found some regular bathrooms/locker rooms. One of my sisters was in there and asked what was going on and I yelled ‘shooter’. 

She ran off toward him and the I heard him coming my way as I ran around this bathroom/locker room trying to find a place to hide. 

[outcast-incel]

1

First and foremost. This will be a reading blog. Pics, vids, memes etc will not be a priority for me. I may throw them in on occasion, but it won’t be often, if at all. I am not consistent, and I am not doing this as a major dedicated activity. I simply wanted to vent a bit, but have no one to vent with. Such is my life.

I guess I can start with a little about me. I’m me. I have tried on multiple occasions throughout my life to fit in with a stereotype or clique of some sort, but have never been successful in my attempts. The only thing that has remained consistent in my life is that pain is a constant companion. Luckily, I had the Army teach me how to embrace the suck and make it part of who I am.

I was raped as a kid, repeatedly, for more than a year. One of the neighbor’s uncles. I don’t know if it was a literal uncle, or someone who just said to call them uncle. Who knows. I was forced to play “the private game” with one of the neighbor boys for a very long time. I never told anyone about that until a year or so ago. I am now in my 30′s. It’s the reason that I am avidly against homosexuality in any form. I was physically and emotionally abused as well throughout my childhood until I got bigger than others and started fighting back. I had drug addict older siblings, and did not have my first friend until I was 10 years old. Needless to say, my developmental years were a bit traumatic.

I was constantly getting in trouble for lashing out (wonder why). It took me years to figure out that sometimes shit just happens, and you have to deal with it. I probably started to learn that at about the age of 17, but I am getting ahead here. I’ve been arrested on multiple occasions in my  youth, but never did any jail time. I struggled with substance abuse the majority of my life (but am now 3 years sober) and various other forms of addiction as well. This included in my younger years sleeping with as many women as often as possible. It has been nearly a decade since I have been in a relationship now.

When I was in junior high and high school I went out of my way to try to belong anywhere. I hung out with the drug crowd, the gang banger crowd, the jocks, the popular kids, the nerds, the artsy types, heck I even tried to fit in with the religious crowd. It never happened for me, still hasn’t. I did come close when I spent nearly a decade with the Juggalos. They accepted me more than anyone ever did. However, like everything else though, over time that crowd was perverted by new folks who didn’t understand what it meant. Instead of being a family of outcasts, it became a competition of who could be the most hardcore. The younger generation started testing people to see if they were “really down”. It got old fast.

I joined the military when I was 20. I had to wait 2 years from my last arrest. I served as a Communications Specialist in the Signal Corps with the 4th Infantry Division. I served for 4 years and left as soon as they repealed don’t ask don’t tell. Obama did a very thorough job of destroying centuries of military history, tradition, and culture. I have a deep hatred for that man because of what he did to the armed forces and American culture as a whole. In all honesty though (hard truth), I wouldn’t have been able to last as a career anyway. My body was already breaking down with the rigors of military service, and it wouldn’t have lasted much longer. I now suffer from permanent injuries sustained near the end of my service, and they are only getting more and more painful as time progresses. Again, embrace the suck.

My alcoholism got really bad after spending 12 months in Iraq. It got out of control when I separated from the service. I worked hospital security for a number of years, then in the mines as a 3rd party contractor, hospital security again and finally caught my stride. I had a come to Jesus moment which changed my life. I quit drinking, and started going to church. I started college, bought a house, and a truck. I still struggle with addiction, but it is now food. It sucks because I would like to be a husband and father, but frankly, I’m a bit too emotionally detached for that to ever happen. Marriage is for the young and hopeful. Not the bitter and broken. It’s okay though, I won’t be the first person to die alone, and I certainly won’t be the last. Who knows. Maybe God will see fit to fully heal me and let me lead a normal family life. I like to think it’s a possibility.

I want to point out that all things considered, I think I turned out pretty well for my past. True I live alone, and only talk to a couple of friends once a month or so. However, I am not a criminal or a predator, I am a devout Christian, I love to do community service, and I have a deep love for my God, my Country, my family (we got over our childhood bullshit), and my friends (the few that I have). I used to enjoy the outdoors, but can’t anymore because of my injuries sustained in the service. I am now working in the tech industry. Figured I might as well use my military experience to my benefit. I am going to school for as much. I am at a point where I simply exist. Those who really know me look to me as a source of inspiration knowing that if I can keep going with my past experiences haunting me, they can as well.

The only thing that I ever wanted in life was to find a woman to spend the rest of my life with. To be in a relationship that is honest and loyal. That doesn’t seem to be a reality anymore. I’ve been engaged 4 different times, but every single one of my fiances ended up cheating on me. That was mostly my fault for the type of woman I used to pursue in my younger years. I will continue to have a small hope that it may happen, but as I mentioned earlier, I don’t see it happening at this point. I weigh well over 300 lbs. I’m bald, blind (not literally), and struggle with PTSD. I am emotionally and socially withdrawn. The only time I ever leave the house is to go to work, go shopping, or to visit family every few months. Maybe that will change now that I am working days for the first time in nearly a decade, but who knows. I do plan to go out more and enjoy the outdoors as much as I can. I can still go fishing, and camping so long as it’s easy terrain. Not much ladies to find there though.

I am very easy going, very sarcastic, and extremely empathetic when it is deserved, even though I hide that bit about me. I will say that I am also very apathetic as well. I don’t feel sorry for people and their situations most of the time since they are usually self inflicted. I am overly blunt and honest when asked a question and I love to argue. Truth be told, it isn’t usually much of an argument though. I almost always win. I am traditional. I think the reason for this is I hate what this world has become so I tend to look back. If I were to choose a period to live in, it would be either during the revolutionary days, the wild west days, or the days of the civil war. It seems that was the last time that people cared about their freedom instead of turning to the government to provide for them. People looked inward for strength or up to God. This country was founded on rebellion. Now, people rebel because they want to be controlled. The kicker is, most folks don’t even realize it.

There ya go. There is my introductory blog. I have now popped my blogging cherry. That is a little glimpse in to what has made me me. I think that a lot of my posts will be rants for the most part. It may seem like self pity at times, but I assure you, I don’t think highly enough of myself to pity myself. I feel that I deserve all the pain that is sent my way, because obviously it is meant to be. I honestly believe that I serve as hope for others that at least they’re not me. This detachment has made me excellent in leadership roles because I try to serve those under me instead of trying to only further my position. I go out of my way to help people so they may not have to experience the pain that has become my friend over the years. No one should have to be put through that.

God bless.

[witchyinthekitchen]

This is a Vent Post about my Mother, Please do not reblog

This post is probably gunna be all over the place/time with things that I can remember/recall so bear with me here.

-Being told to make my own food bc mom was too busy with brand new baby (I was between 5-6 so poptarts were about all i could manage. I'd asked for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.) (my brother was a VERY finniky baby. If you weren't holding him he'd scream till his face went purple.))

-Tried to share interests in Anime/manga with her, when I asked her what she felt about it she said she couldn’t get into it and that it felt like a chore. (13-15 ish)

-Told her I needed therapy bc I was having suicidal thoughts. She took me, but then took me out once I started getting upset about the things i’d been talking about in therapy with my therapist because I'd come home in a bad mood.(15-16 ish)

-Went to Mother Daughter Group Therapy with her (there were other mother daughter combos) and she stormed out in the middle of it saying that we were only attacking her and not my dad too. (was 15-16 ish)

-Got into an argument about who i was voting for in the 2016 election while on vacation at Disney World (Hint it wasn't Trump like she wanted)(24 ish)

-Tried to gaslight me about trying to get everyone together to talk wedding stuff saying how she tried but that it all fell apart. (I have texts of her canceling it the day before we were all supposed to get together.)(26)

-Gets super defensive/upset any time I talk about “other mothers” in my life (MIL, BM)

-Has been super hot and cold with me during wedding planning and making passive aggressive comments about everything: Tell him to buy new pants for the engagement shoot 'bc I dont want him wearing baggy clothes -SO's Lost over 20lbs+ for the wedding and i'm so fuckin proud of him- “I don’t want to pay for hard alcohol for SO and his friends to drink at the wedding.” As if ½ the people invited weren’t all just her friends? ((All our friends live out of state/country so half the wedding is family and HER friends/neighbors.)) "I’m sure H*(SIL) and K*(MIL) have good counsel for you on _____," (Why would you say this when i'm asking for YOUR opinion? If i wanted their opinion i'd ask them.)

-4 months before the wedding she’s trying to talk me out of my venue saying we need to go look at the ones SO and MIL had suggested.

-Wants me to keep (BM)'s relation to me a secret even though i’m pretty sure 85% of the people who know me and are coming to my wedding know i'm adopted.

-Angry that I was moving out of the house at 21 with my SO she told his mother she hoped we’d fail. (In her defense she'd just been diagnosed with breast cancer and I'd done poorly in my last semester of college so parents thought it would be a good idea to take me out of college for a semester so i could live at home and basically be at my moms beck and call while also being expected to work 2 jobs (they'd told me the instant that the semester was over that i was expected to work 2 jobs) -That's at least how I was viewing that whole situation before I moved out- )

-As a kid I remember wanting to run away a lot. (Never away to a friends house but always to a park to live under a bridge like the goblin I am (lol)) (is it obvious I use self depreciating humor to get through things that I'm uncomfortable with? haha)

-I'd always hide things from her, even small things like a puzzle book i'd bought myself from the elementary school book fairs. i even began writing my diaries in code so she couldn't read them. Not that i ever caught her reading my diaries or what not but thats how afraid i was.

-The only things that stopped me from killing myself was the distressing thought that my mother would be more upset with blood on the floor than me being gone. (It was a constant worry of mine when I was having ideations.)

-When i was getting close to graduating high school the librarians told me they had a bunch of excess old books they were getting rid of and one of them happened to be the "Toxic Parents" book i've seen several other posts refer to. I took no other books besides that one. I hid that from her too. Looking back through it i remember there was a checklist in the book and i'd filled some of it out when i was younger. I most definitely am a people pleaser.

-We've never really been able to "talk" about things together like how my dad and i do and i think she's really jealous about it.

-The only way I feel comfortable talking to her is Via Email/Text because then that way i have a copy of all the things she's said. because i often forget things. (I honestly don't know how bad my memory is or if its gaslighting but i hope its just me being forgetful and not the latter...)

-I literally cannot let my SO do the dishes because my Mom would always do the dishes/clean when she was mad and bang pots around loudly and just even those sounds set me on edge.

-Her telling me that the careers i wanted to get into (IE: the Arts/Theater/Music) wouldn't make enough money and that they'd be fine as Hobbies but not as careers.

-She's continually trying to push me into a Customer Service Job because i'm so good at making other people happy. (talked to dad about this and he says i'm a very big people pleaser who doesn't like conflicts -cue nervous laughter about wedding planning-)

-Being around her for long periods of time is so physically/emotionally draining. I know that's probably a result of always being on edge with her and I always feel bad that I feel that way.

-Because she's said she hoped I'd fail (me and my So when I first moved out) I'm terrified of telling her anything personal going on in my life for fear that she'd take it out on me or use it against me (i got super anxious/scared when she came up to see me on my end of town once because we'd be stopping at the mall where i used to work and i hadn't yet told her that I'd quit that job.)

-I want to have a relationship with her. I want us to do fun Mom& Daughter things but at the same time I'm scared of letting her get too close to me again just to have it fall apart again.

-When I moved out (21) i went VLC with my whole family before i even knew what VLC was. I barely saw them (except for certain holidays/events.) I didn't talk to my dad for about 3 years because of this and am just now recovering that relationship with him (been 5 years now since I moved out)

-After I get married my plan is to move to CO. During that time i don't remember if my mom has mentioned if she'd miss me, but i do recall she has made multiple points to tell me that my dad says he would miss me.

-I had to beg for a 16th Birthday Party. She finally caved half a year later after I'd talked to my Therapist about it.

-pretty sure i'm the SG of the family (possibly Cousin 1 being the GC because she went to same University my mom did)

-Other family members on her side have stepped in to provide financial help to me on the promise that i wouldn't tell anyone. (probably to stop any gossip of favoritism)

I Don't know if she's an N or just really bad at expressing herself but her hot and cold attitude really sets off my anxiety that i've done something to piss her off and that she won't talk to me about it for a few weeks and then acts as though nothing is wrong/nothing happened. Planning my wedding is the MOST contact we've had in 5 years since i moved out and went VLC and i've been trying to use this as a way to bond with her better but anytime i think i'm getting somewhere Something happens and she's upset again. A phrase i've found myself come into saying recently is "I can't fix something that I don't know is wrong." So i've tried to take that approach when it comes to her. I know she's an adult and can choose for herself if she wants to talk about whats on her mind. I can't force her to talk if she doesn't want to but the anxiety it causes when she gets into these moods is really debilitating. I'm terrible at letting things go (especially if i think its my fault)

I'm Not Her Therapist, but if she has an issue with me I wish she'd just tell me instead of the Silent treatment for a week.

Trigger Topics that I've learned to Avoid at All Costs:

Anything about "Other Mothers" in my life.

Politics & Racism

Anything in the Past that happened.

My moving out

Anything that paints her as a "Bad Mother"(aka this whole post probably)

This post is a mess and I'm rambling. Thanks for sticking through this Brain Dump while I process. 

-Edit 2:

More things i'm recalling: For Christmas one year in front of my whole family (I was between 8-10 ish) she got me a set of underwear with the days of the week labeled on them and told me in front of everyone that "Maybe this would help me remember [to change my underwear daily]..."

One of my final years in high school I somehow managed to get a Cold Sore. My First Cold Sore ever and my lip where it broke out swelled up HUGE. I woke up the day it appeared ( a weekend thank the gods) and horrified went downstairs to tell my mom about it. I don't recall any words of sympathy other than "Cold Sores are caused by Herpes." I just remember breaking down into tears.

I mapped out a "Quiet Walking Path" that avoided all the creaky floorboards and steps in our house.

I get extremely anxious whenever I would hear my parents footsteps coming up the stairs. It got to the point that I could distinguish their steps on Carpet.

I jump/flinch (visibly) at loud noises, even if I know they are coming (movies songs ect.)

Routinely friended/unfriended me on Facebook before deleting it entirely (due to 2018 spying/hacking allegations)

I don't know if she means for these things to be hurtful but as someone who doesn't enjoy confrontation and is extremely sensitive to others feelings it just hurts y'know?

-edit 3: Attempted to talk to mom about her saying she hoped we'd fail via email. went about as well as expected. =Well, that clears a lot of things up. We only wanted you to be independent and happy, and it appears you are. End of story!

And for what it’s worth, I’ve said a LOT of things over the past 6 years that you didn’t hear about. And I’m not really sure where you heard “I hope they fail.” But I’m sure your source is 100%, and certainly not something you’d want to clarify with me.

I hope you got your apartment all squared away in Colorado. You should be under the 60-day notice by now! Woo hoo!

Let me know when you all are coming to get your stuff out of the house.

I’ll have it packed and ready for you.

-Mom

Am i reading into this too much? because it sounds like she's being hella passive aggressive about this.

-Edit 4: 7-19-18 Been venting about wedding planning being stressful on fb away from my mom since she doesn't have one anymore. I didn't realize she had fms reporting to her about my posts as she just randomly mentions via text that she wants to help me have fun while planning and that she wishes she could make it a happy time for me.

Edit 5: 9-26-18 Wedding is over finally. had our honeymoon and got moved out of our apartment back into my MIL's house. During the move we had to put all of our stuff into storage which includes Wedding gifts and thankyou notes. So Mom has been hounding me about getting them done and i've informed her several times that all of that is in storage and i havent been able to yet. She said not an excuse go buy more thankyou notes and write them all. I asked if Emailing a thank you would work, she says no must be hand written and mailed out (also who's paying for 100+ stamps: Me) Well Tonight she informs me that she's doing all the ones from her/my side and that she doesn't care if we do them for DH's side since SIL didn't send any thank you notes either. Cue big long talk with DH about all of this and he says not to worry about her being passive aggressive like this. Go and check my Email to find she sent an Email to me only with writing saying

"Dear all,

Thank you so much for attending --- wedding. Your presence was so important to me, and I know to the kids as well. Thank you also for the lovely wedding gifts you sent or brought. I know they are appreciated and will be enjoyed by the newlyweds. It was very kind and generous of you!

Unfortunately, --- is unable to send thank you notes, but I did want you to know that your gifts, and your presence at the celebration, were very important to all of us, and very much appreciated.

Fondly,

MOM"

currently I'm choosing not to respond and I wonder how our relationship is going to be going forward from all of this... I was so happy that the wedding was over so i wouldn't have to deal with this petty drama bullshit anymore but I guess thats just too much to ask for.

-She's also unfriended me on facebook again. I'm tempted to just block her to stop this wishy washy stuff from happening again.

[coopdigitalnewsletter]

6 Oct 2021: Shortages in the entropocene. Metaverses. Facebook.

Hello, this is the Co-op Digital newsletter. Forward it to a friend who’d like to read about what the internet is doing to retail businesses, people, communities and society.

[Image: Keiichi Matsuda]

Shortages in the entropocene

Another fortnight of driver, petrol, goods and gas shortages. You can draw out the chains of cascading failures. Policy and market structure leads to lower gas reserves, and to reduced resilience, and to energy price volatility, then to fertiliser production stopping, then CO2 production stops, then to food packaging shortages... Policy and market structure leads to a shortage in HGV drivers, and then to shortages of food and every other thing that is delivered, including petrol. Brexit and the virus as amplifiers of most of these shortfalls.

But you might summarise it all like this: industrial policy and supply chains were optimised for conditions that have abruptly changed, and it’s now clearer that they’re too brittle. Supply chains and the web of jobs and capital need to be more resilient for a more volatile future. And consumer expectations may need a reset. It looks as if higher prices will be inevitable. Will shoppers happily pay higher prices if they get reliability in return?

Metaverses

Adam Warburton, Co-op’s Chief Product Officer, wrote this great piece for the newsletter:

The first stage of the internet was the mainframe, then came desktop computing, and then mobile. We now live in an era of internet-everywhere given cloud services like Amazon Web Services and Azure make information permanently accessible anywhere. Each evolution of the internet takes between 5-10 years to mature, so we're only really seeing the internet-everywhere era mature now. Looking ahead, the next stage is an immersive internet, which moves from us being surrounded by the internet, to us being in​ the internet. That's where metaverses start. 

There are already early metaverses; no doubt your children play Roblox, Minecraft or Fortnite. These games have metaverse tendencies, in that they create an immersive world where players are not themselves (they have a digital avatar) and they interact with other avatars and build and shape the world around them. If you've seen the movie Ready Player One, then you'll know what I mean. As is often the case, industries like gaming can lead the way in new tech.

In reality, the last 18 months working from home has created a small-scale Co-op support centre metaverse: we all existed online with purely digital interactions, and with with mixed reality backgrounds. Change the video from your face to a digital avatar, and we've essentially been in our own mini-Minecraft. We're seeing Facebook take this a stage further with Horizon Workrooms, a combination of Virtual Reality and work to create virtual collaborative spaces for businesses. It's not connected to your Facebook profile; you could be anyone inside Horizon, working for any company. Virtual reality for work might seem like a stretch (and to be fair, work meetings may not be the most exciting VR future you’d have hoped for), but we know that the nature of work has changed:

“in 2018 a work destination was, for the vast majority of people, a physical space; suddenly, though, for millions of white collar workers in particular, it’s a virtual space. And, if work is already a virtual space, then suddenly virtual reality seems far more compelling. In other words, virtual reality may be much more important than previously thought because the vector by which it will become pervasive is not the consumer space (and gaming), but rather the enterprise space, particularly meetings.”

We'll see this go further. There's debate around whether this will all amalgamate into a single metaverse or multiple metaverses, with portability and transfer of assets key; meaning I can port my avatar from Horizon into Roblox or another metaverse, for example. 

There are interesting use cases for businesses. Will people order food inside the metaverse to be delivered in the real world? How do you deal with someone's estate when some of their life is now in a different reality? New legal precedents will be set, and how will we insure our metaverse assets? (side note, there's already a metaverse insurance startup YuLife). 

All of this might be useful stimulus to think about where digital and technology go next. And of course, this might be completely wrong and the next internet era might take a different direction. Microsoft is betting on metaverses, and Zuckerberg says Facebook is becoming a metaverse company.

If you'd like to read more, these are the articles I'd recommend:

Metaverses, by Ben Thompson

Are We in the Metaverse Yet?, New York Times

Matthew Ball’s metaverse primer - lots of detail.

Thanks Adam!

Facebook: difficult week

Last week, media started running stories based on information released by a Facebook whistleblower: “FB chooses profits over safety”. When organisations get big enough, incentives pull them in what you’d charitably call challenging directions. They have outsized effects, unintended consequences, and too often damage to wider society.

Then on Monday, facebook.com, WhatsApp, Instagram and FB’s internal tools all went offline for about 6 hours. Technical details here and here, but the simple version is that some FB engineers made some configuration changes that took Facebook’s network off the internet.

When organisations get big enough, their operations get complex and eventually big failures happen. Big tech firms could cut out single points of failure etc by adding suppliers, but they generally find it harder to trust third parties to provide key bits of their service. Partly this is because they consider using networked software to provide fine-grained access to things as a core competency, and partly it’s because the other providers are their competition. The bigger picture is that (regardless of FB’s behaviour) fb.com, Insta and WhatsApp have become critical infrastructure for communities and small businesses. A sense of how critical: some people estimated ecommerce was down 27% during the outage.

Amazon: difficult products

So many cameras, in search of a vision: Amazon launched various things that use cameras, including a robot that’ll follow you around your house tracking your behaviour, and anyone else’s too. When it sees you looking at it, the robot’s screen will display your to-do list. Obvious privacy concerns, but also some “what’s the point” ones. (The point for Amazon is perhaps clearer: get you to be less reliant on your non-Amazon mobile phone for your computing.)

Elsewhere, the presence of a Ring doorbell may signal to burglars that your household has higher value contents. Again, unintended consequences.

Various things

Morrisons to scrap home deliveries from 50 stores with 1,400 staff affected - "we must now adapt and make some changes to the size of our online operation to meet our customer demands."

Pret to hire 3,000 staff after cutting same number in 2020.

Doordash doubledash - Deliveroo meets supermarket delivery.

A ‘game-changing’ revolution taking shape in communities across the UK - mainland UK’s most remote pub is community-owned.

Co-op Insurance celebrates 15 years of carbon offsetting as Co-op Group launches new net zero target.

Most workers don’t expect full-time office return.

Co-op and Co-op Digital news

Introducing Co-op’s Customer Experience Strategy team - “We need to consider CX across the whole customer journey”.

Inclusive meetings: encouraging collaboration from all.

“We don’t chase profit”: Steve Murrells, CEO of the Co-op Group, on running the UK’s biggest mutual.

Thank you for reading

Thank you friends, readers and contributors. Please continue to send ideas, questions, corrections, improvements, etc by replying or to @rod on Twitter. If you have enjoyed reading, please tell a friend! If you want to find out more about Co-op Digital, follow us @CoopDigital on Twitter and read the Co-op Digital Blog. Previous newsletters.

[howveryheather]

pandemic songs + self discovery

My Spotify Unwrapped for 2020 looked remarkably similar to every other year of my life recorded on the platform. The number one song, for what has to be at least four years running, is an ambient track from a video game that I listen to while I’m working. Most of my top musicians are a mix of film and television composers and Enya. This is true even in a pandemic. So many of my existing musical influences are still here to weather the many storms of life that are ahead — whether I am ready for them or not.

In every moment where I was not working, I was listening to a lot of music. Pouring over my Spotify, I’m able to see so many different moods and feelings. I have always kept one enormous playlist that lets me go back and know exactly what music I was listening at various moments in my life. Moments in time where the world felt like it had lost its balance, but music kept me grounded. Kept me thinking about the past, present, and future. The way I see it, the best is still yet to come for everyone. Better times are on their way. People I don’t yet know are coming into my life. Places I haven’t lived in yet will be here soon. And there will be even more songs that will define those moments in time for me. 

I didn’t know the songs I’d be listening to during the pandemic and yet, here we are... with the music that defined this uncertain time in my corner of the world.

“Say So” — Doja Cat

In the aftermath of getting knocked out with one of the worst flus of my life for a week this year, I spent the remainder of February desperately trying to regain my strength and sense of self. Little did I know that in March the entire world would change because of the coronavirus. This song feels like the last music video of our “normal” time. Nostalgic for roller skating rinks and hanging out with friends.

“Geyser” — Mitski

Have you ever heard a song that emotionally rocked you to the core so badly that you had to get into the fetal position and think afterwards? This one did it. Screaming while crawling and rolling around in the dirt is a real 2020 mood.

“Too Late” — The Weeknd

The entire After Hours album, and the red suit character, is a real quarantine/lockdown mood if there ever was one. Abel can’t miss.

“The Chain” — Fleetwood Mac

Everyone else might have been on a Dreams kick, courtesy of the Ocean Spray skateboarder but I was all about The Chain. 

“Me And You” — NERO

In the movie montage of your life, this is the song that plays to emphasize you’re a boss who can do anything. I stopped drinking for the better part of this year, which is pretty cool. Then I attempted the keto diet. That lasted for... less than 48 hours. The message is simple: I will just exercise instead of giving up carbs!

“Ocean of Mine” — Kennedy One

Before I started paying for Spotify Premium, I was trapped in a world of endless commercials. Once in a great while, the streaming service would recommend music that I might like. Kennedy One’s Ocean of Mine was one of those recommendations. I listened to this while I had my first crown put on at the dentist. You know I love anything that sounds like the wind, the water, and the promise of the shore.

“Joan of Arc on the Dance Floor” — Aly & AJ

These sisters came through so many times in 2020! The Up All Night event on YouTube and the Viper Room streaming show made it feel like concerts had, in a slow but sure way, been able to make a return. Just in time to kiss 2020 goodbye we have an explicit version of Potential Breakup Song... MVPs!

“Moscow Invitational 1968″ — Carlos Rafael Rivera

Many hours spent writing require a specific kind of soundtrack for staying in the zone. The moment I heard this score play during The Queen’s Gambit, I knew it was going to be part of my background noise whenever I’m working from this moment moving forward. It’s inspiring to listen to and helps me stay even more concentrated on the task at hand. Whatever challenges are ahead, I know I can reach them and keep leaping onward to the next hurdle and beyond.

“forget me too” — Machine Gun Kelly feat. Halsey

This is why we need concerts again: recreating a mosh pit feeling alone in your bedroom is simply not possible.

“Shine Ibiza Anthem 2019” — Paul van Dyk, Alex M.O.R.P.H.

In a pre-COVID world, I had plans to see Ultra 2020 in Miami. In a post-COVID, vaccinated world, I still have these plans for the future! I so look forward to the return of music festivals again, particularly those of the eat, sleep, rave, repeat variety. 

“Violence” — Grimes & i_o

This is my December song that will carry into January and beyond. I love, love, love it! (RIP Garrett Lockhart.)

As 2020 comes to a close, I have discovered some things about myself. 

There were three times I cried, and I mean sobbed my eyes out, during this pandemic. The first was during the news of the initial lockdown. That was pure fear and confusion and chaos. The second was when I started to see news footage of miles-long lines of people waiting for food to feed their families. That was an aching sadness that I felt deep in my bones because a lot of people lost their jobs and had nowhere else to turn for food. And the third was when I heard Governor Newsom ordered 5,000 body bags for California. Hearing news like that makes it impossible to never un-hear it again. It’s the reality of how badly this virus has rampaged our country.

It really bothers me when I see people saying that they want normal again. I get the root of the desire which is that you’d like to enjoy a drink at the bar or have a dinner out or spend time with friends, etc. But there were a lot of problems with our normal world. Too many. To me, it feels like signaling that you’re okay with continuing to live in a society where so many people have to work multiple jobs to survive, the healthcare infrastructure is buckling, and the education system is completely fractured (among many other issues!). 

What it seems, at least to me, is that people only want the aspects of normal that they were fortunate enough to receive but come at the expense of others. I suppose the best analogy is to consider the super rich. Once they exit their bunkers, they will want someone, likely paid on barely liveable wages, to make and serve them brunch. One can only hope this time has changed enough people to do and be better, but human nature is a fairly predictable beast. A number of people failed what I consider to be a basic human experiment and revealed seriously selfish true colors. I could rant about this topic for awhile — and believe me, I have THOUGHTS — but it’s too easy to dwell on bad news and opinions. 

There was a lot of good, just news in the mix. Some of it made the news, some went under the radar, but it was still there and it’s still happening. Here’s a few links:

There has been an animal discovered by scientists (a jellyfish-like parasite) that does not need oxygen to survive.

CRISPR was injected into a live patient’s eyeball this year, to treat genetically-caused blindness.

PG&E plead guilty to 85 counts in the 2018 Camp Fire, the same fire that wiped out Paradise, California. 

A Michigan jeweler named Johnny Perri buried $1 million of gold, silver, and diamonds for a real-life treasure hunt this summer.

Princess Beatrice and Edo Mapelli Mozzi had one of the prettiest, socially distanced weddings I’ve ever seen.

American Girl launched a new doll, Courtney, born in 1986. (They’re catching up to my age now!)

And the 2021 Super Bowl is inviting healthcare workers to attend the big game.

In the post-coronavirus “new normal” when I have been vaccinated, I know some aspects of my life will go back to their bubble. A lot will change though. 

What I really want is to do is get involved, hands on, in the community again. I want to volunteer at local food banks, soup kitchens, and/or churches for a few hours each week, when possible. (I also have a thought surrounding the idea of making a whole bunch of travel-size feminine product care kits for women in need if this isn’t already happening...) And if I can’t physically be there, then I want to donate and offer support in other ways. I am not helpless. I am a helper, as Mr. Rogers would say, and I would like to be able to help out more and contribute to the well-being of others once it is safe to do so.

I hope people will find it inside of them to want to work together again and come together as a community. It means a lot of hard work and energy and time, but it’s gonna make our world a lot better — far beyond the normal one we left behind.

[mileycfan4eva33]

Fandom: SVU

Title: Covenant From The Heart

Chapter 1: Violent Moment

P O V: Amanda Rollins

(A/N: Noah, Jessie, Billie do not exist in this fic. I own nothing except my ideas and original characters. All others belong to Wolf Entertainment and NBC.)

Saturday, June 2020

Christopher Street, New York, NY

"I hope you don't mind

I hope you don't mind

That I put down in words

how wonderful life is while you're in this world."

The radio plays as I sit inside the back of the Covenant House Van across from my Captain Olivia Benson, along with two trained Crisis Counselors from Covenant House, New York. Andrea O'Sullivan and Robert "Bobby J" Rodriquez. "Thanks for coming again with me, Amanda."

My smile is tight as I look back at Olivia there is a sadness in her eyes as we turn towards each other. "You're welcome, Liv, did Kat give any reason as to why she couldn't make it tonight?" "her mom has to work a double, and they couldn't find a babysitter last minute on a Saturday."

"Yeah, I hear that could be hard." Olivia sips her coffee, trying to keep warm. "I never mind helping Captain. Covenant House is such an amazing place Olivia, I'm always happy to volunteer for whatever they need."

"Thank you, detective Rollins we try. It isn't easy when we have 20,494 youth who are homeless." Andy's statement sends tremors down my spine. I try to hide the fact that I am shivering, as a cop, I knew those statistics. The number of homeless children in the United States is at its highest in more than a decade.

I can even break down the statistics that roughly 800,000 children are reported missing each year in the United States that's 2,000 kids who go missing every day in the USA. There are 115 child stranger abduction cases, LGBTQ youth represent as much as 40% of the homeless youth population. Between 1.6-2.8 million youth runaway each year in the United States. Children can begin running as young as ages 10-14. The youngest are the most at-risk for the dangers of street life.

Too many people take the attitude of Children who runaway make their own decisions to go. Let them be, they've made their personal choice and must deal with the consequences. If they want to come home, they will. That is so wrong because once these kids hit the streets, they have hours of reaching an inner-city before they become targets for these pimps. Once the pimps get their hands on these kids, they no longer have a choice. They are property of those pimps, and these monsters would take a bullet before they lose their 'product.' It is estimated that many young people, especially girls, begin engaging in survival sex within 48 hours of leaving home. Sex for food and a place to stay can quickly escalate into formalized prostitution.

I've seen what happens to those kids after becoming branded; they learn quickly to harden themselves and trust no one. The treacherous environment in which they must learn to survive is heartbreaking. They do not always outwardly present as sympathetic victims. They also frequently suffer from short–term and long–term psychological effects such as depression, self-hatred, and feelings of hopelessness. These child victims also need specialized services that are not widely available given they often have illnesses, drug addictions, physical and sexual trauma, lack of viable family and community ties, and total dependence—physical and psychological—on their abusers.

"Amanda, do you want some coffee?" "no, thanks, Liv, I'm good." "Sure you are; that's why I can see those goosebumps on your arms, Rollins." Olivia's left-hand grazes across my left arm, which she has now caused to go stiff in fear. Olivia's touch, smile Liv has no idea how she effects me.

Every hair is standing at attention, my heart racing, face flushed. My brain stutters to find words to respond to Olivia. It should be simple to say those words to tell Olivia how I feel; this is 2020, not 1990. I shouldn't be afraid of rejection to tell someone I have a deep crush on that I have a crush. I've told more than a half of a dozen women in my past that I liked them. I am not ashamed to identify as a lesbian.

Which brings me to question why I haven't confided in anyone I have worked with over the past nine years. Swallow Amanda, just swallow and relax. Olivia has no idea how you feel; she isn't asking you to spill how you feel. She's asking you for a drink stop freaking out you'll look like a fool.

"No, I'm good save the coffee for the kids, they need it more than I do. I'm okay."

"Detective Rollins we have more than enough." that's a lie I know before it even escapes Andy's lips she's just being nice to us since it's rare for cops to volunteer to do ride a long's, the department does not sanction them. 1PP truthfully goes out of their way to discourage us from doing them because they are so dangerous because these pimps could recognize one of us and blow our covers in the future. Sometimes I think they fear we will become too sympathetic with a homeless kid because God forbid NYPD cops be human and understand what life on the streets is actually like; we might let these kids go when indeed we are forced to pick them up for simply trying to stay alive.

Saturday nights are one of the busiest nights in New York City, especially for the homeless population in our impact zones. Turning down Bleeker Street, which is alive with nightclubs blaring music. Flashing neon signs obnoxiously calling out $2 dance bars—other signs signaling their bars, clubs, stores. Panhandlers line every corner, many with bloodshot eyes, sniffling noses, and scanning the crowd from our blackened windows. I can see swindlers working in pairs trying to rob the tourists who unsuspectingly stroll among them the glittering, neon buildings. Many are walking with cell phones out, looking for directions.

Olivia and I both exchange a look knowing half of them will be robbed. There's so much we both want to say but don't. Drug deals go down in plain sight to the untrained eye. It would be easily missed, in between the blaring lights and smells of Colombian bakeries, beauty salons, Mexican restaurants, and bars like the Gentlemen's Club advertising beautiful female dancers. People along this stretch of road hand out business cards emblazoned with half-naked women or fruits and flowers all that advertise "Free Delivery" and typically list the hours of operation between 10:30 a.m. and 2:30 a.m. It's a cover, of course, the cards are marketing tools of brothels that have set up shop inside private homes and apartments.

As the hour is growing later, the tourists are fading away; the clubs are starting to shut down, and the other Christopher Street, the one never mentioned in magazines, or featured on the nightly news and morning talk shows comes alive. This is our Christopher Street teens strutted past in the dark, often stopping to air kiss, catcall, or sometimes brawl.

Young LGBTQ youth in platform thigh-high boots, buttocks-revealing denim shorts, red-pleather boleros with matching caps and tops of the backless, sleeveless, or even frontless variety, those on the nightly parade here do anything but hide. They compete for best outfit, /best moves in nightly dance battles that rage beside the Hudson River to the sound of a boombox on the pier at the end of the street.

The teens are beautiful, but the night-life here is ugly, violent, and scary; the teens themselves often fight turning violent. Customers drunk throw glasses, bottles, or try to take the girls, ripping hair out, beating them. Not every person working is trying to cause problems; of course, there are many just trying to get by to pay rent that now topples over $3,000. I can barely afford my apartment in Brooklyn with my salary.

Cops are lining every street, but we are not here as cops Olivia and I are riding with the covenant house team to help them reach the kids whoa re too afraid to find Covenant House or don't know that help exists. We are reaching to find kids who need food, warmth, and shelter. We provide sandwiches, beverages, ears to the kids if they are ready to tell their stories.

In the van we provide education about sex, pregnancies, STD prevention, we give them condoms. We let them cry, scream, ask questions, or sit in silence; we let the kids choose what they need when they need it. Many have never been given a choice of anything in their lives. We gain the kids' trust and, when ready, we will get them to our crisis shelters, where they're given love and support to permanently stay off the streets. Some stay only a few days and decide they aren't ready to give up the life they know. They have to be willing to be drug-free and make other commitments to stay at Covenant House. Some, however, remain with Covenant House and complete the whole program.

Frequently it takes multiple interactions before the kids will trust those of us on the outreach team enough to accept our offers of help they've simply been burned by adults too many times in their lives.

"So Captain Benson, my boss tells me you've been coming on these rides along's since you joined SVU in 1999. Any specific reasons?"

Andy's question perks my interests in the nine years I have known Olivia; I have never known the answer to this question myself. For the first six years, when I went on these outreach trips, I never knew she went along. I only found out three years ago when we were paired together by accident on a night when they had more volunteers than vans. I never asked myself for fear of having to answer the same question back; it's a part of my past. I have kept hidden for many years. I have no intention of starting to share that story now.

"I was on the job about two months with Special Vics when we came across the case of a fourteen-year-old girl who we had to arrest for selling drugs to her classmates, sometimes in exchange for sexual favors. The whole Squad called her Spoiled Sally because she came from the upper west side, went to a private school. She had all the advantages of a rich kid, yet she chose to squander her life by selling drugs."

"You thought there was more to her story though, Olivia, didn't you?"

"You know me well, Amanda." Olivia has no idea how well I know her how I have spent my whole adult life, and most of my teens years studying her career trying to be half the cop she is. Olivia has no idea that I listen to every conversation hoping to gather a new detail I didn't know already. I know her favorite, color, movie, TV show, her worst fears, her dreams. I know which ice cream flavor she likes best, her favorite spot for ice cream, who her favorite baseball team is, and which sport she hates the most. I know Olivia uses vanilla body lotion but hates vanilla ice cream.

My body shivers despite being June. The temperature is dropping fast the later it gets. "I did think there was more, so I started investigating further. Interviewing her friends, teachers, classmates. Came to learn Sally transferred schools six times over the last year, she had moved from city to city since she was six years old."

Olivia bites her lower lip as she laughs slightly "Amanda you'll love this part, my boss told me to drop it, or he would transfer me, I couldn't drop it, I defied his orders and kept digging. I matched her picture into enhanced facial recognizing came to discover our Spoiled little Sally was Marcella Marginals, a kidnapped girl from Mexico who vanished at age six when her family was on vacation over there. They let go of her hands for two minutes, and she was snatched. Marcella was smuggled into different cities by different men. Who caged her up like an animal beat her raped her, sold her from family to family."

"This last family was an elderly couple who never had kids of their own; the man who sold her to them kept weekly checks on her forced her to sell drugs for him. Raped her weekly to keep her in-line raped the wife weekly to keep the parents quite. When we went to collect Marcella, the bastard was there raping the wife, the husband an 82-year-old man who could barely move was tied to the chair. A battle broke out between the police and the pimp, Marcella was shot in the battle, by my gun. I was devastated. I felt as if it was my fault if I had left it alone, as my boss told me. Marcella would be alive no matter how hard her life was, at least she drew breath. Because of me, that sweet girl was dead."

"All my co-workers kept telling me it wasn't my fault; it was just part of the job. I had to accept it as God's plan. I couldn't though, I mean, how did God see that to be fair? How could any God justify a fourteen-year-old girl being raped, beaten suffering every day as okay?"

"So I headed to my favorite bar to get there I had to pass the Fifth Avenue Presbyterian Church, I wasn't raised in any dominant religion growing up, but I felt drawn to it. I felt like I needed to talk to God, to let him know how angry I was at him."

"At first, all I could do was sit there, staring at the candles, the altar, tears running down my face. I have no idea how long I sat there for; till I felt the gentle touch of Sister Mary Rose McGeady, she sat by me and listened to me. Then she said something to me that has stayed with me my whole life; she replied ours is not to ask God why; ours is simply to close our eyes and listen to our hearts, and believe God always has a reason why. It's hard at times, but I made a promise to God to listen; he has to lead me to my calling to help kids on the street, his kids."

"As you know at the time, Sister McGeady was the president of Covenant House from 1990-2003. She took me to the house and showed me the center; I spoke to counselors, volunteers, and the kids themselves. I fell in love with the mission, with the kids the staff. I knew I had to try to make a difference."

"I started doing the outreach van around 12 years ago, at first, it was just because it was always so short-staffed, not many people volunteer to do something so dangerous. Then it became another passion for me."

I reach over and take Olivia's hand "you know Marcella's death wasn't your fault, Liv. No more than Easter's was mine."

"I know Amanda, up here, I know that." She points to her head, "But in here." Olivia's hand moves to her heart. "that takes reminding I am sorry I couldn't comfort you after telling you about Easter, I should have held you talked to you instead of getting up and walking away. The memories of that day hit me so hard; I think I am moving on, and then I am hit with a wave of guilt so intense it takes my breath away."

"Liv, it's okay. I needed my Captain than you did what I needed. You gave me time to cry, scream you stayed in the room, so I knew you were there, but you gave me privacy. No one can take someone else to pain away. But having you in that room brought me comfort."

Olivia smiles at me as Bobby J speaks "You two should come Tuesday for our annual Sleep-out for Covenant House, we have a line-up of stars who are performing and over 1,000 people who have signed up to raise money for our kids by sleeping out."

"Yeah, sounds good, Amanda?" "I'm in for sure."

"So Miss southern sweet tea, what is your story? I know you got one." My body tenses at his suggestion I feel all eyes on me my heart races as my stomach twists. How am I suppose to get out of this one? "Don't be bashful to spill your game." Bobby J nudges me as I fight to keep my nausea from spilling out onto the van's floor. If Olivia knew the truth, she would never look at me the same ever again.

"Help me!" Loud, intense screams ricochet off the buildings in the side-street where we are parked; a young girl comes racing out of the cover of darkness shadow. So fast her legs stumble, but she doesn't allow herself to fall; she can't she's running for her life. Those skinny legs barely hold her body up, yet she hurls herself forward, never glancing back. I can hear her heavy breathing as she approaches "not here." she points to two streets over. Eyes glance at us. I see the pain and fear "My man he's watching he'll see me get in, I'm dead then, he'll know where to find me."

She's gone in a flash, hurling her skinny body down the side streets in a race for her life, dodging into different avenues. The van squeals to life as our driver Michelle steps on the gas, the girl's arms pump flying as she dodges cars, people she isn't quitting or playing. It's pitch black out here now except the glow of a few broken street lights.

Michelle flips off our headlights as we reach the street the girl wanted us to, we sit in silence the radio shut off now. Our heartbeats are the only sounds slowly. I get out my legs a little shaky from being crouched in a van for hours. Olivia follows me closely behind as seconds tick into minutes both of us praying her man as she called him didn't find her, which we know damn well means her pimp. Rustling has us both turning around I spot her first she comes running full speed towards us, fooling her pimp she had run around the block twice; New York blocks ain't no joke either, they are long.

This girl is in eight-inch heels her feet must hurt so bad I feel tears well up I can barely walk in those types of heels nerve mind run. The girl is only twenty- yards away from us. I can see the depth of fear in her cyan blue eyes. An ocean deep of pain she is so close to safety just within feet of being saved Olivia and I are both tense ready to grab her up. The squeals of tires alert us to a sense of danger; I don't think twice I take off "Rollins!" Olivia yells as I pump my legs harder than they have ever been pumped before. Hoping that this girl can see it in my eyes that she can trust me, she can reach better days if she reaches out, allows me to take her hands. Gets in this van with me, I can help her find the sunshine behind these rainy days. Sometimes one person can make a difference. I close my eyes every day I pray I can be that person.

My hands reach the girl at the very last second my lungs are screaming in pain, I can barely breathe my muscles are straining with every-step. "Grab my hands, don't let go no matter what I got you." My arms wrap around the girl's frail body as my feet make a sudden turn burning my heels. I pull her body racing to the van as doors fly open. "Rollins, get down!" Olivia screams as a hail of bullets rain down on us I push the girl into the van slam the door and bang on it. Michelle takes off my legs give out as I crash to the ground Olivia is returning fire. I can't breathe or think my legs are twitching in pain I can feel my blood filling my mouth as I start to cough.

I can't seem to focus on anything. Every breath is harder to inhale and exhale. "Amanda, it's Olivia we've got to move, they took off, but they'll be back we just cost them a major investment. Can you move at all?"

Olivia's arms lift me pain stabs me at every angle it's mild though so after a few breaths I can put pressure on my legs she doesn't let go of my arm though pulling me along with her as we race to meet the van a few blocks over. Sweat pours down my body as my stomach cramps I feel flushed. I'm losing blood I can feel how weak I am, but I have no idea where or how serious it is. "Amanda that was stupid as hell, we are off-duty you know the department does not cover any injury you get, any action you take as a citizen which means you face the same charges they face. No union rep to cover for you."

"Yeah, I know Liv, and it also means I don't have to play by the rules."

"Amanda, it doesn't mean you get to risk your life."

"It's mine to risk Olivia, and if you ain't willing to risk your life, why are you out here?"

"Uh! Why are all the bad-asses so damn stubborn!"

"That's what makes us hot."

"Yeah, I know that's why the bad-asses like you are always the one who looks the most fuckable."

My ears ring did Olivia Benson just say she wanted to what with me? I stop moving physically, yet my Vertigo didn't get the message. I can't speak all I can do is stare at Olivia, watch her long legs so muscular her statuesque frame so lean and beautiful, long dark hair loosely held back with a decorative clip. Her appearance takes my breath away. She smiles as she slowly moves us towards the van.

All I can do is picture her lying on top of me on her bed as she places her mouth over my clit. A direct hit, her gorgeous lips closing around it and lapping at it with her tongue. Her hands hold my hips as I try to buck against her face; she is a master at getting me off like this. I can feel an orgasm building in my walls, I can feel the heat rising as I writhe under her face, and just as she is about to push me over the edge, she inserts a single slender finger inside as she does I feel the first wave of fire rising and spreading through me. I come hard onto her hand as she rapidly pumps two fingers in and out while she sucks on my clit.

"Amanda, move!" My head peaks up from the daydream of Olivia, and I making love seconds too late as the car comes speeding towards us headlights as bright as the Georgia summer sun. Michelle rushes towards us, Andy and Bobby J throw open the doors. "Get in!" Olivia's hands push my body into the van's. I feel Andy and Bobby grab me pulling my limp body up as Olivia screams at Michelle. to"Go."

Wait, where is Olivia going? Why didn't she get in with me? Gunfire fills the air as I try to stand but am thrown back against the wall hard as Michelle takes off, tires squealing. "Calvin!" I hear Olivia's scream as my head slams into the floor, sending me crashing into a world of blackness. All I can do is pray; God keep Olivia safe.

A/N: For More information on how you can help Covenant House and Homeless Youth visit their website

Our Youth deserve a kinder, better world than the one we have today. Let us commit to building this world together. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13643440/1/Covenant-From-The-Heart

[klarkkent71]

Seattle Travels/Life Updates

12 March 2020

Seattle Blog

Before my recent trips throughout 2019, my only trip to Washington state was in 2010 when I senior cadet at Northwestern State and had to travel there for Leadership Training which was a requirement to commission as an Army officer. After I graduated from Fort Lewis that summer my cadre from school treated me to Reb Lobster and I was immediately on a plane back to Louisiana. Throughout my years of service, I’ve heard great things about Washington but it never crossed my mind to visit there until it came time for work and to visit my friends there. The times I went there it was nothing but incredible and I learned a lot about what the state has to offer. Did you know Seattle is the home of the original Starbucks or did you know that Seattle is the home of both Microsoft and Amazon? Another interesting fact about Seattle is it's known for Boeing Airplanes, some good hiking, fishing, and occasional rain here and there. Being the biased person that I am though when it comes to food I think being from down south, we still have them beat though. When I was able to explore Seattle though I was impressed by how progressive the city and just how innovative and modern the people are vs being home in the traditional south. If you go you’ll see the sky trains and people who are willing to be themselves there. Walking downtown you can run across a lot of professionals from different walks of life and come across a good bit of people in the tech industry who are well off in their careers. You’ll be able to see structures such as the Space Needle and Pike Place Market where you’ll see people throwing fish. As I mentioned in previous blogs my favorite activities are walking and food tours but I’ll run down some of the activities I enjoyed that you might consider adding to your agenda if you decide to visit one day.

Savor Seattle Food Tour

When I was doing my research on the various food tours that Seattle had to offer this spot stood out in the reviews. They offer multiple walking tours from beers to chocolates but the one I decided to buy was there food and gourmet tour which was I enjoyed. To my surprise, the first restaurant we visited was owned by a man from Louisiana who wanted to bring the culture to Seattle and was pretty good. Overall you pretty much get to walk to 6 different locations and enjoy a small amount of food with an alcoholic beverage from wine to beer. Don’t worry though by the time you get to your 3rd or 4th stop you will be full and tipsy lol. My favorite part of the tour was the final stop where we came to a chocolate shop called Frans which is the official chocolate of the Obama Presidency and we had a chance to sample Barrack and Michelle's favorite chocolates.

Pike Place Market

Most movies dealing with Seattle you’ll see this place but to see it up close and person is something different. It located right near the shore but has plenty of shops and fresh markets you can walk and explore. You’ll see people selling all types of things from food to flowers.

Sculpture Park

For those not looking to spend a lot and just enjoy a park-like setting Sculpture Park would be it. It plenty of sculptures you can take pictures with and after a long day of walking it’s somewhere that you can just sit and enjoy in peace.

Space Needle

Known as one of the most recognizable landmarks in the world the tower has a futuristic look where you can walk or elevate up. From here you’ll get a view of the whole city which you’ll never forget

El Gaucho Steakhouse

Anybody that knows me knows I love a good steak made with Oscar-style and El Gaucho did not disappoint. After a previous visit where I went to another steakhouse and paid a fortune, I was pretty upset at the food but coming back and trying the second best-rated steakhouse was the best move. Even though the food is pricey this location was worth every penny from the bread to the main course and drinks. Also, the guy playing the piano was playing all my favorite tunes that night

The First Starbuck/Starbuck Reserve Roastery

While down and doing the walking tour they’ll show you the location of the original Starbucks but later in the day if you want to be marveled by a coffee shop visit the Roastery. There you can try multiple brews with different qualities of taste to satisfy any coffee lover

Explore NightlifeWhen I went I visited the Baltic which was pretty chill and one night I went to Q Nightclub where they had a 2000s themed party Life UpdatesI’ve been slacking on blogging I defintely know.  Recently I just got back from school in GA and it was extremely tough and frustrating especially since only 55% percent of my class made it. I was glad to be of those who did not fail one single event. Now with my uniform, it looks badged out which is pretty cool. Now I’m focusing on losing weight so that I can apply and train up for my next school which will require me to be in the best shape of my life. Also, I start a new job on April 1st where I’ll mostly be isolated away from most of my peers so I’m mentally adjusting to that. By next May I plan to go away from Louisiana so I’m detaching myself from any real connections here and just focusing and physical fitness and trying to be the best at my job. This will be the year where I’ll find out If I made the next rank or not which should easily be a yes for me. I’m also feeling better spiritually because I started going to church again and hanging out more with like-minded individuals. As everyone is going through this virus scare I feel completely at peace for once. I’m looking forward to traveling and exploring more this summer. Do you know within the last 8 months I’ve taken a trip outside of the state for work or fun which been pretty exciting at times. Next week I’ll get to perform poetry again too but that’s all I have for my updates everything is just flowing smooth in life