#i was scared before but now im terrified
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This ai generated images thing got me considering a double w psychology instead of plastic arts ngl
#im terrified#like actually#i was scared before but now im terrified#at a crossroads rn#ughh#either i can do a double w design and psychology and have an escape plan lined up in case the creative industry becomes dystopian#or i can double down on art and hope im good enough of an artist not to get replaced by a machine
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the same clownery as usual lads 🌳🍑
!spoilers (but not for today's upcoming chapter lol)
'cultivate' by amazing wonderful talented @neonghostcat
#cultivate#cultivate: slow life on a monster infested mountain#liushen#listen i know the space between posts is shorter than usual but I had these done and didn't want to hold onto them so uhm everyone hush#anyway hsdkj#i know ive already said this before but youre gonna hear it again aha i loovee shen jiu and esp how he's written here he's so fun#💞💓💖💕 bastard meow meow#hes such an ass but he means good deep down 😭😭#anyway rip to SY's most probable aneurysm once he reads how SJ decided to sign himself lmao#and also congrats to SY for his first child in a rebellious teen phase ahhasjdh#but tbf xiao draco does scare me to death fr fr troublemaking children are terrifying stay strong shen yuan hdjsah#and thats about it im gonna go take a nap now cheerio everyone
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This is your sign to get back into playing that video game that you love but put down a long time ago and never picked back up again for no discernable reason
#started playing breath of the wild again a week or so ago after a youtube video about why we put down games showed up in my recommended#i can link the video for anyone who wants it but the most helpful advice in it for me was to just. try playing it for two minutes#if all your fears were right and you cant get back into it then you can put it right back down after the time is up#but if youre enoying yourself then you can keep playing#a big part of my fear was that i wouldnt be able to handle the combat anymore after going like a good couple years without playing it#bc one of the biggest things i love about botw is that for the most part. link doesnt level up#theres no attack and defense stats that level up as you earn experience and make him mechanically better at fighting#for the most part its YOU the player leveling up your fighting skills with practice#...but that also meant that after so long away from the game i was scared that i would have lost all my skill at it#and the learning curve would be too great this late in the game (literally the ONLY main storyline thing left for me to do is fight ganon)#but i played for two minutes and i remembered how much i loved the game. like firsthand not just vague recollection#so ive been running around doing side quests and exploring and now it doesnt feel like im stalling the final battle anymore#it feels like im just intentionally taking time to fully experience the game#and after getting combat practice in again with my exploration im finding out that my fears were wrong!#if anything im even BETTER at combat now than i was when i put the game down#back then i was still terrified of facing lynels and walking guardians#but now im taking them down before they can even get one hit in on me!#im so proud of myself and im having so much fun#so. for anyone else out there. this is your sign to do the same#rambling#maybe once i finish breath of the wild i can even finally start on tears of the kingdom 🙏
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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what i did: make a really long hair 'ribbon' that i would have to actually wrap around the bun and then my head and somehow tie it up
what i should have done: not that
#what i SHOULD have done was make two pieces#one actual ribbon thing that ties around the bun and then a separate headband thing#but nooo.#i dont think its too late necessarily but also i did somehow make this work#so. lmao.#again the sort of thing that i would have had time to fix IF IT WERENT THE DAY BEFORE THE CON...#now i have to unwrap the braid and put in some orange bits x_x im terrified LMAO#im scared the moment i unwrap the braid it is going to tangle itself to shit.
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known we were a system for about 7 years now, probably been a system for far longer, and just realised. we got an intrusive self-fakeclaiming thought today and laughed it away
#it does get better it does get easier eventually you will not fear being wrong or out of place#the thought felt like it just rolled away like a little creek washing over stones#it used to be a tsunami size wave that would throw us around and leave us feeling like we're not fitting in or even in the right place#and now we're just. solid and sturdy and the water's calmed to a tiny trickle#this is the first self-fakeclaiming thought we've had in i think months#and honestly probably only brought on by very new system members not being used to being alone in front#(it's rare for us. we're almost always cofronting. but sometimes it happens and it's so jarring)#rejecting the idea that we could possibly be faking this gives us this massive sense of wholeness like. this is who we are. and it's right#it feels right it feels like. we're real again. we're healing and able to learn. we're doing better. we feel whole like this#sharing this body with a million others will only ever bring us joy this is home this is love this is healing this is right#i love being plural#i love having a system#i love my headmates#we're so so close to hitting our real milestone of being functionally multiple#our challenge kinda. the goal we have to say Yes we feel we have functional multiplicity now#is to just. be able to connect all the sidesystems and have dormant people come back now and then and recover lost headmates#(TOBY WE *WILL* FIND YOU EVENTUALLY)#and it's starting! we've discovered people from BEFORE the syscovery we've brought back Blank and Ro multiple times#we talked to Bee once!!!! Bee literally hasn't fronted since fucking 2020!!! AND BEATRICE CAME BACK AND SHE'S TALL NOW??#and Siren came back!!!!!!! he was so so so fucking scared of falling out of the front rotation bc he thought he'd be lost forever but!!!!!#system wise i cannot believe how far we've come EVERYONE can feel the difference Ro and Blank get shocked by how much more cohesive we are#they were used to a constantly terrified proxy host and gatekeepers that loved to section stuff off and no communication#now it's like walking into a real place for them. they aren't used to headspace being this solid#when we started out WE DIDN'T HAVE ONE we had to manually build it and it took so long and so much focus#now it's as easy as closing our eyes#god i fucking love this im so happy right now
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getting a story near completion is wild. what am i supposed to do with this now that im done agonizing over it for like. a full year. what do you mean its not an endless cycle of rewrites and things can actually be complete
#avpswjy#first thing i need to actually give it a title because i really extremely havent#and i should probably poke at it a little more but tbhhhh i really hate editing so realistically im not going to do much else w it#so like. what now. ive never gotten this far before#ive had distant dreams of submitting it to magazines but im going to be so for real that is fucking terrifying to me#and also im not sure what all accepts horror#i was taking my sweet time there bc i was so scared it was bad but my friends liked it a lot more than expected so maybe its okay actually
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Guy that I am. So normal about
#al art#al ocs#imagine me in a locked echo chamber just wailing about denys#thats my head right now#im so fucked up sbout them. because. i had a little thiught#before my reasoning for ehy denys wouldnt kill axel was a mix of professionalism and contradictory feelings#now having given it more thought ive realised its specifically because axel is OK with it#denys WANTS axel to be scared for zir life denys NEEDS axel to be terrified#because thats how vos parents felt. they were scared. they didnt want to die. they didnt want to be Killed.#and little denys was so so so scared stumbling upon the scene that vo was gonna be next. who wouldnt be. wicks parents were Murdered#wick needs to get that revenge to have axel be so so scared like they all were back then#but zes just not.#its been 5 years since axel found out who denys was and almost immediately ze realised that whatever punishment denys wanted was justified#it would be the right thing. fae wouldn't fight it.#so now neither of them gets what they want. they cant.#denys still wants axel to think wick would and could kill fae at any moment but axel is ok with that#i am literally in my room seperate from my family on hogmanay and gripping my glass of blue wkd. i am SO normal right now#denys#axel
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if i might bitch about work for a second: yesterday was hellishly bad despite being able to keep up with it and i found out that apparently our department made 4600 dollars yesterday which is making me angry beyond belieffffffff
#this is math i do fairly often bc i enjoy ho-hum math and hate my job and like#even if we took off 2000 bucks for overhead costs which feels excessive but i will concede it#that would be enough to pay everyone working a little over 860 dollars which is 300 more than what i make in a WEEK#literally WHEREEEEE IS IT WHERE IS IT GOING WHERE IS IT#i dont like following this logic through because on days where there are fewer orders we;d do less#and i disagree with gig work's implementation as ive seen it and i think that would stress people out worse than we already are#(which is significantly)#but at the same time. 850 dollars. i cant afford to buy groceries this week. 850 dollars...#can i get a BONUS or SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#it makes me soooo angry i was talking to one of the deli guys who asked for a raise and got denied mid-question#before our director accidentally showed him that their department is four thousand of gods own dollars under labor#its so revolting to me i talk to so many people in this store who are terrified because of medical bills or rent or car shit#half my department works two jobs just to get by and ALL OF THEM drive junkers#honestly one of the things thats scaring me about if i actually move out is that i do rely on...living with my mom#i pay for most of my own food i pay an absurd amount of rent to share a room with her but she's willing to drive me to work#even though i've offered to walk multiple times and she REALLY should prioritize her own time more#but at the same time...not having to pay for rides has been carrying me hard#if i got a car i'd be fucked because those things bleed money and generally ethically i disagree with cars#but if i dont its like okay pony up the money learn to navigate buses (except for sunday when they dont run) or get ready#to walk to your job where you walk all day and then walk home in the dark#which. i love walking. and listening to music on my own while walking. so bad example. but i also love not having my feet hurt#all the time always no matter what im doing which is something im becoming increasingly unfamiliar with#its like. ultimately. something's gonna get fucked no matter what#and then i hear a figure like 4600 and i remember how avoidable all of this shit is. how avoidable it is for ANY of us#our ceo is gonna walk away from this merger attempt with 5 billion dollars in safety-cushion money#the 10 top execs beneath him with 1 billion#and its just so. what can you even do. 5 billion. can a number like that even mean anything? how could you possibly need that much#850 dollars would be a lifechanging amount of money for me right now and im not even one of the worst off#its just. god. this world could be anything but what it is but its this and for what
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> You are encased in the cement that is those you love who love you.
> It protects you. Makes you beautiful. It will immortalize you.
> Your legs are restless.
> You're going to have to move, sooner or later.
> The sun will blind you, at first. The wind will feel like razors against your skin for a time.
> Do you think it'll be worth it?
> Who would choose to become human, over art?
> There will be times where your once graceful shoulders will hunch in pain. Your formerly serene face crumpled in ugly anger.
> You will be so scared to turn around and see the wreckage. Chunks of cement and dust are all that will be left of the statue you used to be.
> Aren't you scared?
#whoah personal#poetry#i guess but also oh god this sucks#idk. im just thinking about who i want to be#and how that'll mean taking a sledgehammer to the person i used to be#and I'm scared that whatever is left after that destruction won't be worth it#that I'll be so much smaller and more twisted than I was before#and I'm also scared that the people who lean on me as i am now will topple and break if i change#what if i look too different underneath. what if it hurts them. what if they leave#destroying a person who based thenself off of the love others gave them is gonna mean rejecting the love i took#all for what? to become something else? to change in ways I can't prepare for yet?#or what if the people who love me are hurt in the aftermath?#i love them too. it's just im always scared that love isn't enough on its own#i cant just be someone who loves them. i need to be someone they love too. someone they need#god who even am i#i dont know who i would choose to be if i ran away tomorrow#thats why i wrote this. i want to run away and start it all from scratch#but im scared to run away. i know itll hurt. would it be good or bad?#this poem is inaccurate because it paints their love as smothering. its not. i smother myself and i dont know why#but its warm and nice and safe#this is also sort of about being trans but thats like. not even half of what this crisis is about#its not enough to just be a daughter. you cant just be a daughter or an older sister or a friend your whole life.#that cant be all of who and what you are. you have to be you above all else and thats fucking terrifying#idk. anyways iput sparkly license plate covers on my work vans 2 months ago and if my bosses find out I'll get yelled at#so i'm going to go take those off now. bye
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fuck it’s 3am and I can’t get my wheezing under control and I’m tempted to use my nebulizer but it’s loud af 🙃 I’m tempted to wait until my mom leaves for work but that’s in like 3 and a half hours
#We’ve also got so many dishes and I gotta do at least some of it 😭#I’ve literally been wearing a mask to sleep hoping to reduce how much dust and hair I’m breathing in#But I didn’t hydrate well enough today and my nebulizer session today felt like it was wearing off quicker than usual#I really need to see someone…#We’re working on getting me disability so I can be on my mom’s insurance#Covid has genuinely ruined my life even before I caught it earlier this year#And now it’s seemingly destroyed my lungs#I had agoraphobia like 2 years before Covid and I started getting it under control in early 2020#Now I have agoraphobia because im terrified of unnecessarily risking illness#That was before my lungs got so fucked up now I’m scared a second infection will actually kill me#I keep thinking of how much I let my guard down at that small NYE party/wedding party at my cousin’s house why did I not keep my mask on?#The pressure of social a situation that I felt wrong footed in might literally kill me great 🙃#What’s so fucked up is the fiancée literally was going to have heart surgery soon and I have no clue if he got Covid#I’m convinced I got it from the bride’s relative who I literally had never met before#But who I felt socially pressured to hug for NY I just hate it I feel so stupid
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ok so. today i am going to
fly (and travel at all) by myself for the first time since making the emergency return home from br!ghton bc of c0vid 4 years ago (extremely distressing and scary experience). and fly by myself two weeks after a mixed bag of a conference experience / plane ride home that included a massive scary depressive spiral that i had someone there to help me through as much as they could but it wasn’t enough which was absolutely not their fault but was deeply distressing to me at the time. so im about to be in a very similar environment but this time that person won’t be physically with me and it’s going to wreck my brain in multiple directions in part bc i have not yet recovered from the depressive spiral. i am still in it. lawl <3
ride in an uber by myself for the first time. ride in an uber at all for maybe the 5th time. as a very short young woman. which i have been expressedly warned by my parents not to do. lol <3
check into a hotel by myself for the first time
walk in a big city by myself for the first time (technically slightly untrue bc wjen i was last in ch!cago 5 years ago i did power walk from the hotel to the conference venue (like a block away) on the last day bc i was pissed about a situation but that was like… a block and i saw ppl i knew walking in that area. this time i will be in the same city and know no one at least for today
give myself a self care evening at the recommendation of my therapist…. for the first time. (maybe after i take a walk which i will do specifically when it’s still light out to see what the area is like). tonight no one i know will be in ch!cago yet and i have no plans to do anything. im going to play video games and draw and sing and give myself space and time to just enjoy being by myself and see how it goes
#purrs#conference tag#chicago#im very very very scared. that i won’t be able to handle it. i have craved solitude but also don’t know if it’s something i actually want o#if it’s a product of my circumstances. i am not used to being completely alone like that like whenever ive had it there have always been#other ppl in the building that ive had to be cognizant of and that will be true of a hotel too but bc i don’t know the people i will feel#less responsible to them . like obviously im not goi ng to sing at the top of my lungs but i will feel like i can sing which ive never felt#like i can do when ive lived with roommates or at home kinda. idk. my therapist was challenging me to experiment with fear by asking myself#if im really in danger or if im just uncomfortable / about to experience something ive never done before and right now im so extremely#anxious but what i am about to do is not inherently dangerous and i need to recognize im just experiencing something new and do it scared.#like im literally terrified i can’t describe how scared i am in a way that does it justice. but i am going to be okay. and when i tell#myself that i make it so.#trina vega voice im a woman…… [about to be] in ch!cago….. who’s SCARED!#i also have no idea how to be in a big city and be safe. like what do i do if im followed or if someone tries to attack me or something.#obviously the chances of that are extremely slim but ive had it hammered into me that if i am alone in a city that’s what’s going to happen#to me bc i am such a ~weak and defenseless small young woman~ lol. but bc i believed the fear and have had very little experience in citie#i have no idea how to navigate them or to be safe which creates the problem. like it makes it true that i am weak and defenseless bc i have#been shielded from being able to learn how to be smart and strong and cognizant of my surroundings. and i am so angry about it and hope tha#i will SHATTER that sense when im there and come away from it w confidence ive never had before#like i don’t have… pepper spray or anything like that. idk if that’s a thing ppl actually carry on them or if it’s just a thing ppl say. i#genuinely have zero idea at all. and i really really hope i won’t be in a situation where i’ll wish i had some. i doubt i will be but still
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hate when i'm having insomnia and i cant point to the exact reason . which to be fair is a problem i have elsewhere but i want to be able to pin down a specific thing i did and go welp won't do that again and then the problem would stop . but instead i do everything 'right' according to what has worked perfectly every single night for a month . and then it doesn't work for some bullshit reason .
#and then of course i think . well so much for what worked every single night but this one . clearly it's not foolproof#which means it does not work At All#and if i could have anything other than extremely black and white thinking about the whole ordeal . maybe it wouldnt be such an ordeal#but instead im like . ok i only have three hours before i have to be awake . time to call off work there is no other option#lkajsldkjf i probably will go to work . it's just . my brother's been having insomnia too and he seems to think im this expert on like ...#overcoming it? so he calls me and asks me for advice#and his is worse than mine was at its worst . so now im scared that like#i will stop being good at sleeping compared to him BECAUSE he has confidence in me#and then my sleep will get as bad as his . which is nightmare terrifying#he has weeks where he doesnt sleep at all#and when this started i could at least be guaranteed that the night after an all-nighter . i would sleep#now i'm scared that wont happen simply because it doesnt happen for him . and he's Told Me About It#and doxcylamine doesnt work for me anymore and dipenhydramine never did#so i'm back to square one as sleep aids are concerned and will have to see someone for an actual prescription sooner or later#as there are no other otc things i havent tried
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Im irrationally proud of myself y'all
#Im actually learning how to cook basic meals yipeeee#ik I learned late but in my defense before the fire I was scared i'd hurt myself or be forgetful leaving it on. after the fire I was#terrified i'd start another one and lose my cats a second time.#but I can cook basic things now ! like I can make myself a roast beef sandwich and some mashed potatoes !!! which is my safefood rn so im#eating alot of it#idk I just can't talk about this irl without my family getting annoyed so tumblr gets to hear abt it.
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Dude i'm feeling hella homesick rn
#i wanna cry tbh#ouugh#i miss my dad and my dogs and cats#i miss my room#i miss my plushies#i miss the comfort of the small town#the warm feeling of being there with my family in the best place I've been#the place in wich I've had my best moments#the place where i got the help i needed when i was on my lowest point#gosh i miss it so much#this city is so big and im so small and there's so many things ill do from now on that I've never done before#its so so different and it's terrifying#i know i'll get used to it#everyone else around me has done it and was scared at first and it's normal but they pushed through and i know i will too#but in the mean time it's still so scary#i feel lost I've never been in such a big place#theres so much concrete and the sky is so dull#and i feel so alone in the middle of all this#fuck#i knos it was my own choice but i didnt expect to feel this way#either way i wouldve felt the same regardless of where i was so that's a relief because i don't think i made a mistake in deciding this#i just cant help but feeling so out of my element#sorry for the sudden rant#i needed to get it out of my sistem#anyways back to the sillyness 〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜
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going through answered asks from when i was 18 wanting to hold myself so tightly
#i’ve never cared for the whole i wish i could see my younger self thing#because from where i was standing it was always still bad so thought why would i want to see them now#things are going to become very hard again very soon but last year was the best year of my entire life#i did something terrifying and then i claimed my life as my own#and a year later i have a car! and im driving! you can’t understand how impossible of a thought this was to me before#i live on my own and i’ve decorated my body and my bedroom and i can buy things i never thought id be able to own#i miss connecting with others my dash is a total wasteland now but i just#seriously cannot believe where i am right now. even though some things are still so screwed up and more screwed things are on the way#and i’m terrified of course. january is the perfect month to feel like ending it all. too much unknown#but still 2023 felt like magic i didn’t deserve and yet i basked in it#i’m not incredibly successful i’m not very interesting but im still so proud of myself somehow. even though i hate myself#it’s not as much as i used to. i appreciate myself more now and i can see how i needed me to get here. and im grateful for me#and for everything i have. i’m just speechless i can’t believe the life i currently have#i’m waiting to enter the era of travelling and intimate get together those areas are still slow coming#but if i could do this i can only hope and hope and squeeze my eyes tight to make them appear someday#i miss so many things but i don’t miss the old me. she sucked but she also cared and she’s still here in fragments#it’s strange to write this way i’ve never felt this sort of compassion before i was so so deeply depressed#it was inescapable and for good reason i don’t know how i made it through anything i’ve endured#i have to thank myself for always being too scared to die
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