#a big part of my fear was that i wouldnt be able to handle the combat anymore after going like a good couple years without playing it

[theygender]

This is your sign to get back into playing that video game that you love but put down a long time ago and never picked back up again for no discernable reason

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

Are you living with your parents? If yes, is there any possibility for you to move out? It does wonders to get space between you and your parents, even if they are not directly abusive or something. Of course it doesn't heal or change everything but it does more than you probably think. Parents also give a sense of security (financially or otherwise) but it holds us back in our healing process. I was able to move out in my early 20s because of my therapists, psychiatrist and some disability support thing from our gouvernment. My therapist wrote something about how I must move out or else I wouldnt be able to work someday because I wasnt able to get back on my feet in that environment. I got the information about that possibility from a street worker (social service who work with homeless kids and teenagers in my area. I wasnt homeless and i wasnt actively abused). I live on the other side of the world but maybe something like that is possible for you too? Could you ask somewhere? There are sometimes therapeutic or social services that can give advice or point you in the right direction.

I fear the progress you make will be slow or not happen at all if you are still so close with your parents. If you dont live with them, still be careful of getting healthy space between yourself and them. Of course dont break the ties or anything, just being careful.

I hope this didnt come off as rude but I cant help but see certain patterns in what you write. You are a bit stuck, yes. But I dont think its entirely because of yourself but also because of circumstance. And maybe the circumstances can be altered a little bit.

Wishing you the best, whatever happens!

That’s so amazing anon!! I’m so happy for you 💕💕💕 That’s awesome that you were able to get the support and resources you needed to move out and that it helped you. I know that must have been a big change so I’m really proud of you for taking the plunge 💕💕

And I do still live with my parents. Honestly at this point I don’t even know if my reasons for staying are valid or if I’m just making excuses because I’m scared lol.

I do know one major factor is just the cost of living in Australia , and especially where I live, is pretty big at the moment. I don’t live in a major city but the cost of houses and renting here is very similar to some cities in this country, and I don’t know if I’m really ready to move to a cheaper area yet. Since all of my doctors and stuff are here.

I also just have mixed feelings about leaving my parents and my brother. My brother is only 13 and my mum’s MS isn’t getting any better. I don’t want him to have to be the one to look after her. Because I had to do that when I was a teenager - I want him to experience his youth. Not to mention my mum and dad are always at each other’s throats and fighting and my dad at least 2 times a year will have a mini breakdown of sorts that’s always stressful. I don’t want my brother to have to be around all that alone. That’s a lot got a young boy to handle and I don’t want him to go through what I did when I was younger. I’m also used to being the mediator between my parents so it helps to leave him out of it.

And also just helping my mum with my brother. He’s got mental health issues himself and he’s just going through a bit of a rebellious teenager phase and I don’t know how to say this without sounding arrogant but he tends to talk to me about and open up to me a bit more then here. And she’s not always the best at understanding mental health issues. It took lots of pushing on my part to get her to sign him up for therapy. And even now we are still on the waiting list. Not to mention she can’t really drive so if he needs someone with him at his appointment she can’t go with him. But if I’m here I can catch the bus with him.

And I worry about my DSP money not being enough to cover everything. I think maybe that’s part of the reason I have issues with spending my money so much. I think in the back of my head I know there is going to come a time when I don’t have any left over money so I’m getting as many things as I can now before that happens. I mean there are obviously other stupid reasons I do it as well but I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately lololol.

So yeah. I very well could just be making a bunch of excuses at this point , because it is daunting. But I also know it has to happen one day. And I want it to happen to. I want to enter that part of adulthood and have my own space that’s just mine. I think that would be so wonderful. I guess it might just take me a little longer to get there.

Thank you so much for popping in and giving me such lovely advice and support, it means a lot!! I hope you have a wonderful and beautiful day 💖💕💕

[jubberry]

oohkay let's go tua with those ship asks: fiveya, horrance and alluther.

thanks el i love you

Send me a ship and I'll answer three questions based on if I ship it or not.

fiveya obvs i ship this since this is 90% of my tua drawings lol

1. ill wait ill wait (to be the one) by georgiestauffenberg made me ship it cause holy fuck dude. I dont know if i ship them romantically when i saw them onscreen cause first of all, age difference is kinda weird lmao. Second, they dont rlly interact much outside literally the first couple of eps. But he was so soft for her, and i felt like they had so much unexplored history.

so i looked at fanfics cause i was wondering if ppl still ship it, then i liked the description of this one so i gave it a go.

Basically the premise is that vanya dates a much older man who seems to know a lot about her. And it was amazingly in character and just provided their characters some depth that u wouldnt find outside of a romantic relationship between them. (The implication of five pining while she doesnt know who he is, their missed chances when he time travelled, fives missed chances of living and having a 'normal' life bec of his own hubris, vanyas insecurity and being able to open up bec shes with someone whos known her since childhood). Its so sweet and thats how i was like, oh yep i can do so much more with these two, and what has kept me interested in drawing them etc.

2. My favourite things are the shippers cause i made some friends in the fandom who are super cool and supportive! I dont get super involved in fandoms and usually just watch from afar so finding people to talk to and muck around with in this tiny fandom is super cool 😭

Though thats not to say I havent come across some bad apples in this fandom and things that I dont like. I think thats the importance of carving out a place for yourself and ur friends in fandom tho.

Another thing I like about the ship itself, i just like the grumpy person whos soft for one person trope. Its so cute. I like all the little clues in canon on how their relationship as kids is quite warm, which is interesting cause five is basically the star student and he can be quite cold vs vanya who is the black sheep of the family.

I also like how five likes her powers even when she caused the apocalypse he spent the majority of his life in lol. Like its a popular hc that five is just a wife guy and i love that.

I see vanya as the type who has a lot of love to give, and she sometimes has unrealistic expectations of what her partner can give. Betrayal and lies really angers her, but also when her partner cannot meet her expectations of love she gets very upset bec its also an indication of how shes not good enough, or not loveable enough to be able to have this in the relationship (her insecurity means every failing always comes back to her, even if its out of her control).

I feel like five would be a level-headed person enough in the relationship to not be afraid to say 'vanya ur being stupid' (ie. the s2 confrontation lmao). Also, five's personality means she will never have to doubt his actions bec she knows hes the type who will not give u the moment of the day if hes not interested.

Not to mention they also have the whole apocalypse vs. saviour, hero/villain thing. Theres just a lot to explore!

3. I probably have several. But mostly I dont mind five being a dick to vanya bec first, even if the appeal is hes soft to her hes already kind of a dick in canon lmao. Also, vanya isnt a child. Shes grown and she can handle petty af things like five telling her shes not good at cooking lol. I also dont mind it cause I feel like people are getting too afraid to write... conflict for fear or portraying an abusive relationship or smth. Like, chill. Conflict is fine, resolving it is how u get a story. However in saying that, nobody should be obligated to write any way unless you want to! Fanfic is for comfort so if what your doing is making u happy then its good enough!

horrance which i also ship but i love the platonic and romantic relationship equally:

1. I came in tua in general not shipping anything so Im honestly not sure. I do remember someone doing a meta before s2 came out that was basically how ben acted weird when klaus summoned dave in s1 that made me go 👀 Otherwise, tua s2 rlly made me like them cause tua FED horrance shippers. Like..... the fact that klaus didnt want ben to leave him, and ben knows thats why he stayed 😢 or the fact that klaus was all over him for some reason???? Somebody also mentioned gay ben once and I resonate with that deeply. Like i get that jill exists but i resonate with gay ben deeply.

2. I love their bickering, theyre so cute together. I just like ben being angry bec hes self aware that hes got both shit and amazing taste. Shit bec he cant believes he likes Klaus (and also amazing also bec Klaus). I think the idea of them being kind of underdogs, theyre not rlly leader types and dont want to be, helps them bond together even in platonic horrance. They're both down to earth, and even tho they can annoy each other, they also know if they want a space to feel comfortable its with each other. Theyre not pressured by rivalry over leadership, or any sort of competition.

I love the idea that even tho ben is like klaus's ''conscience'', hes also down for chaos and bitchy. I feel like klaus rlly enabled that side of him, its not exactly a good thing but its p funny lol

3. I know some people think their dynamic is unhealthy but i dont care lol

alluther. So id say i dont ship this, mostly due to the fact that im not invested? Just like all tua ships so far I rlly came out not wanting anything but platonic relationships cause I feel tua doesnt do romance very well. With alluther, theyre so cute but im not super invested in either of their chars so they havent stuck for me. I appreciate seeing them and talking about them tho, and I'm def open to exploring them further.

1. I think tua canon romances are just so lackluster 😔 Idk who writes the romances but I was just like 'nice' but afterwards I dont really think about them. I love their dance scene and the message behind it! Otherwise, theyre sweet like most of the tua romances but im not super invested, same with all the non canon ships.

2. I really feel like tua needs to decide on what their relationship is. Like, just say its incest or not and stick with it 👀 Or if you wanna support it or not, just make up ur mind. I think I would've liked it better if I found the characters more interesting. Allison especially I feel like suffers from the fact that tua just doesn't want to make her ''mean''. They want to make her supportive and are less interested in making her flawed (ie. she should've had a conflict with Vanya in s2, but the writers didnt want to write the girls fighting which is stupid imo and not what that conflict is about).

In regards to Alluther, the scene where Allison gets annoyed at Luther for sleeping with someone else felt out of line. Like, how are you marrying other people and moving on but Luther isn't allowed to? But honestly, I don't mind if they actually just acknowledge it and make it a deliberate part of Allison's trait that Allison can expect a certain loyalty automatically from other people (which can tie in to her childhood being a star, and the rumour).

Luther is a big simp for Allison, which is sweet, but at the same time it would be nice to have him explore himself for a bit, and who he is outside of the academy. Then maybe they can rekindle their relationship again as new people and see where they go from there.

3. I don't hate them, but they're ok. I'm not super invested in them, just like all the tua canon romance. But I wouldn't mind making content for them if I were a bit more invested in their characters. I love their dance scene in s1 and I feel like its super a underrated portrayal of what their relationship is meant to be. I know no one talks about it but it's just such a great scene, and I'm pretty sure the choreographer was into interpretive dance? The scene had a lot of meaning that I don't see people dig around with.

Essentially I'm pretty sure the fairy lights are obviously a throwback to their childhood together, spending time outside of Reggie. So the dance scene kind of symbolized that pocket of space they made for each other in their life (even if theyre far away, or with other people, they will always have that space for each other).

The way they danced was more like playfighting than dancing, which means their relationship isn't sensual. It's more ''pure'', and romantic. Its basically two kids rekindling their love as adults. I also think this is a response to the incest, cause in s1 tua klaus literally said that 'thank god Regg is not their real father' right before Allison and Luther meet lmao. So its kinda like saying Allison x Luther isnt supposed to be 'ohh step sibling hot' but two people who experienced the same trauma as kids and finding comfort with each other (and rekindling that love after many years).

[azogwhoreignerstilinski]

Watching S1 of Teen wolf

Episode 5

Watching alone this time, so this one is dedicated to @whowasfuckenreddieforit, since they couldnt join me.

Wowee did i shake with joy when Peter appeared at the video store. Yes i know he was a-murderin but its PetER HaLe.

As my mutual likes to say, i "scream 'Peter omg its peter' everytime a corpse shows up on screen" which might or might not be true,

I will admit, that shot with Jackie and Lyds was hilarous. The most unrealistic part: Jackie not already knowing exACTLY where The Notebook is shelved😂😂

Also Stiles Stilinski is the absolute cutest and yes, Oral Fixation stiles is one of my headcanon

Derek seems a lot calmer than i expected. Him just out here casually breaking Scott's hand and the calm in his voice when he says "It'll heal".

This man is tired of dealing with this whinny teenager, poor Scott. But Derek's face when he does it, its like he doesnt want to hurt scott but he thinks its the best way to teach him.

Also Stiles is 100% more involved and worried about the werewolf stuff than Scott, like Stiles has his priorities straight (might be the only straight thing about him lol), even though hes not even a werewolf. Like, when Stiles goes to check up on Lydia, he asks about the "Mountain Lion" business first, not at all like Scott when he needed the Wolfsbane bullet from Allison.

Kate makes me want to curl up and cry but then we immediately get some Hoechlin eye candy so i feel a little better. Also the workOUT MUSICC ISTG-

Oh no I'm crying again, because Laura deserved better. Fuck you, crazy-Peter. But mostly fuck kate. Because Peter wouldnt have gone crazy if she had just nOT BEEN A FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT AND KILLED HIS WHOLE FAMILY, CHASING AWAY HIS LAST PACKMATES WHO FLED OUT OF JUSTIFIED FEAR

And now I'm heartbroken because Derek said at the start "We're predators", about werewolves, but like Kate talking about licking Derek makes my skin crawwl amd really, she's the real predator here. Idk. Its just scary to me. You know. Cuz of the whole using-him-to-kill-his-entire-family thing.

The Scallison scenes scattered in just give me anxiety, i wanna know whats happening with DEREK AND STILES GODDAMMIT! SCALLISON WE GET IT, YOURE IN LOVE.

Stiles is just 100% main character material for this tho, he's out here trying to contact people, figure out the mystery.

MY BABY IS BEING TORTURED WITH 900 000 VOLTS AND IM CRYING INSIDE AGAIN.

Kate's voice makes me so uncomfortable, and the actress did an absolutely amAZING job at playing the villain, i want to make sure i credit her for that. She played her role remorselessly.

I really sympathise with derek, cuz even tho he's big, tough and strong, he is still just a scared little boy being revisited by his nightmares and it broke me even though I already knew all this.

Yes, before anyone asks I simped over security-cam Peter Hale. Very eerie imagery, one of the shows stronger points. The spooky parts are my fave

Oh look, MORE scallison. Im sorry it just frustrates me because their romance is one of the weakest points of the show to me, like even Jackie and Lyds as the Bitchy Duo has more flavour to me. Closeted and rude gay/lesbian solidarity, anyone?

Aw Jackie bby nooo. I know he's been a dick but hes just a sweetie, the poor kid. Just this scene of him crying and losing his cool, trying over and over and failing at getting the ball in, breaking down in the end. Too sad, and it really hit close to home.

Lydia getting her shit together was honestly motivating. This girl, i really can't handle her sometimes, but she is a queen honestly just for being able to pick herself up. At the end of the day, she trying to live in this world, she's just more viscious and and motivated to get to the top. Hearing the way her paremts spoke about her, and Lyds putting her perfect, cold, unaffected face on in the mirror made me feel like "This girl KNOWS what they must be saying, but she is sitting here with a little smile because she KNOWS she has proven them wrong". And that. That is admirable.

Also coach cupcake is the best and Sheriff Stilinski always ready to back his boy up. The similairities between Stiles and his dad has me wanting to give a standing ovation to both actors. You can just tell the characters are related in the way they speak and their facial expressions

The teacher beatin down on Mama McCall has me FUMING! SHE IS A GODDAMN GIFT. Fucking sexist- acting like she aint doing her absolute best smh.

Chris Argent trying to fight Mama McCall is funny he couldnt even for a SECOND. Like listen Papa Argent, you are hot af for an older man, but Mama McCall is my Mommy (YES I MEAN THAT IN AN INCRIMINATING WAY) and no way is your attitude helping you win me over lmaoo.

OH GOD THEY HIT THE FUCKING SHERIFF WITH A CAR.

Oop- Papa Argent just saved the day. Guess i might forgive him a lil bit for hashing it out with Melissa.

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[lambvein]

Cheerful Host-part 8 (Reupload)

Its been months since I have felt freedom from the grasp of the fucking sluts. I have lost count of how many are inside me and something tells me that massive number and my massive assets are only going to get larger…

“Wakey wakey mountains” juggs spoke in a mocking tone.

I barely budged. “Ladies, lets get this hoe up and running!” I then felt a massive surge in my body going towards my vagina…

“m-my assets are deflating! Oh my god they are deflating! Ha ha fuck you bimbos im free!” I jumped to my feet but was abruptly stopped and was dropped to my knees at the EXTREME stimulation coming from my pussy.

“WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?” I shouted in fear at the realization my pussy lips have swollen to the size of a large donut.

“Like what you see, slut?” Nicki taunted.

“What happened to my pussy?!” I yelled in anger at the bimbos.

No response was given until juggs spoke up “oh, we learned something new today…shocking I know…we learned how to travel to different parts of your body! Lets further demonstrate ladies!”.

“No! No! No!” I began to freak out as my already fake titties inflated larger than they ever have before.

“Mmmmm I love it up here, such a great view” kim spoke up.

“Get out of my tits you dumb sluts!” I frustratedly shouted at the bimbos.

“Now is that any way to talk to your jugs?” Beverly remarked “Cmon girls lets show this slut who owns her tits now”.

The girls began to disperse into my nipples as they inflated to the size of marshmellows.

“OH GOD ok, ok im so sorry get out of my nipples please it feels SO GOOD” I pleaded between moans.

“Hmmmm I dont think that was a good enough apology…play with us samantha or should I say mega mountains HAHAHAHA” ariana taunted as the bimbos inhabiting my nipples increased their sensitivity intensity.

“What!?!? No way!!” I revolted.

“Fine…ladies lets make this more interesting for mega mountains” juggs replied.

“What are you guys doing now!?!?” I said in a worried tone as the bimbos returned to their respective asset.

“Were gonna show you what were really capable of” the sluts all laughed at my torment as I was forced to strut off to a new location…

“Why are we in the middle of a victorias secret? Im so embarressed in this get-up” I spoke, trying not to seem crazy talking into my chasm of cleavage.

All I was sporting at the moment was a skin tight tanktop and an ultra tight pair of booty shorts which were rammed as far up my ass as they could go.

“It really shouls be obvious by this point mega mountains” juggs remarked.

“Will you stop calling me that and what do you mean it should be ob…vi….oh no no no ladies cant we talk about this!?!? There are 40 women in here and all of them are so fucking slutty and curvy" I begged to the sluts.

“EXACTLY” the girls all yelled at once.

Juggs began her all too familiar cryptic chant as I was forced to drift off to my immenent slutty doom…

I awoke and immediately felt an enormous pressure in my tits and ass.

“Hello?” I nervously spoke.

Numerous voices responded in anger and rage as all of my assets began wobbling and shaking wildly causing me to reach peak orgasm before having my pussy clamp down and not allow me to cum.

“So it turns out the fine ladies shopping at this victorias secret wanted no part in being a part of your body, and as a result they are fucking pissed…too bad theres no way out samantha. I guess your body really is a hive of bimbos now…well more like a hornets nest with all these angry bimbos hahahaha!” Juggs laughed.

I passed out in a flurry of emotions, arousal and fear.

I awoke in a dark room, all I could see above me was a ceiling light bulb, I then noticed I was immobilized…

“why are my limbs tied to this table!?!?” I shouted in fear, I got no response.

Several minutes of seemingly nothing happened until I began to feel the building sensation I felt in my pussy earlier, only this time directly focused on my tits…I began to shake and thrash in my bondage out of fear at how big they were getting…I felt like I was gonna pop!

They eventually stopped growing and as they did I could hear juggs’ snarky voice in the back of my mind once more “Enjoying our handywork mega mountains? It is a group effort after all”.

“I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! Get out of my tits at once!” I demanded.

there was a pause of silence.

“hmmmm I anticipated you wouldnt be too keen on our adjustments, thats exactly why we have you tied down…get ready for the ride of your fucking life samantha” juggs said to me in a sultry tone.

I began to really freak out at this point, I was in full bondage at the mercy of 60 bimbos and sluts who want nothing more than to humiliate and torture me.

“You got that right sister! Haha!” Nicki spoke up.

“Cmon bitches lets kick this slut into high gear!” As kim said those words I felt a buildup in my nipples, but my tits werent shrinking…then the sensations happened…my jugs felt like they were being roughly handled, fondled and fucked by a million little hands, it didnt take long for my mouth and my clit to start drooling.

“Enjoying yourself princess?” Juggs asked in her typical snarky tone.

All I could muster up to do was a weak shake of my head in a last ditch effort to show my rebellion.

“Well then ladies, I suppose its time to kick it up a notch!” My heart was going a million miles an hour as I felt the bimbos disperse from my tits to my ass and pussy…it felt amazing…they filled up my titties, booty and already soaking pussy to the max before making them go through the same treatment my tits just did…I was so sensitive…all I was able to do was weakly squirm in an attempt to escape these feelings, I tried communicating with the sluts but all that came out of my mouth was moans and squeaks.

After several hours of torture juggs and her bimbo goons spoke up “Alright mega mountains, we will let you go and end these sensations under one condition..if we ask you to play with your body…meaning US…then you do it for as long as we tell you to, you will be a slave to your own body, understand? And if you rebel…well…you dont wanna know what happens when you rebel against an army of sluts”.

I gave a weak nod followed by a couple quiet squeaks, my bondage loosened and I was free to go. For the first time in months I could control my own body again, I took the opportunity to assess my situation….donut sized lips…big, poofy hair…cartoonishly large, jiggly, fake breasts…an equally enormous fake booty…and a big round fat sensitive pussy.

Juggs spoke up “alright mega mountains, one hand on your clit, the other around your nipple…play with us hehe!”.

I complied with a deep sigh, as soon as my fingers met my private areas I yelped out of how sensitive I was and moved my hands away as fast as I could.

“Is that rebellion we see? Fine then…ladies I think we know what to do” Juggs announxed to her hive of bimbos.

My legs lost control once again as I strutted out of an unfamiliar house back into the streets where I was inevitably being taken further down this bimbo rabbit hole…my tits jiggled…my booty was popping up and down and my pussy was rubbing together…please make this torture end…

[ravenaveira]

Ok, time for my review of Kh3 Re:Mind Dlc

This is gonna be long, so be prepared, and yes there will be many spoilers so if you dont want spoilers of the game then you probably shouldnt read this, but if you dont care then stick around.

I will start off with my unbiased and critical opinion.

From the title menu alone you already know what this game is gonna be about. Kairi is gonna be center focus, or should say specifically Sokai, and Riku will be virtually non existent.

Now I know what your thinking, well duh its all about saving Kairi of course Riku wont have that big a role and she’ll be the main focus, and to that I say no shit sherlock I already knew that. My issue isnt that it was Kairi focused because I already knew that and still pre-ordered the DLC, but my issue is what this title screen represents and my fears were proven correct.

Let me elaborate

Riku is just as much of a friend to Sora as Kairi is, from the beginning of the series its always been Sora, Riku, and Kairi, thats the way its ALWASY been. But from this title screen I could tell Riku’s bond with them wasnt gonna be present at all and I was right.

I’ll elaborate further

I know Im jumping way ahead here but bare with me, at the end of the game after Sora rescues Kairi they travel the worlds together, Sora notices he is fading away which is why he goes to the many different worlds he has visited but now with Kairi, spending his final moments with her before he finally disapears.

See the problem? Sora doesnt involve Riku at all in his final moments being alive, he is just completely absent during his entire remaining life. Sora only spends time with Kairi during his final moments, Riku wasnt shown with them once.

I know some people say well we dont know how long Sora was alive before vanishing and he was probably the one who organized the party, but did we see that though? did we see any signs that Sora was alive for more than a day or two? did we see Sora talking to anyone like he was setting anything up? NO, it was all about Kairi and Riku was completely forgotten.

I can understand if Sora wasnt dying then it wouldnt matter how much time he spends with Kairi alone, but Sora was fading away ANY SECOND and he didnt spend any of his remaining time with Riku at all, even at the beach party who is Sora sitting next to alone with before he finally vanishes? Kairi. That is inexcusable and a huge insult to Riku and his bond with Sora, hes just completely excluded, that is unforgivable.

These new added scenes to the ending actually made it worse than the original version of it, before we didnt even know Sora was around for more than a day and just assumed they all had a beach party afterwards to celebrate getting everyone back and saving the world, but now we know Sora was actually around for an extended period of time and made no effort to spend time with anyone other than Kairi, not even his best friend Riku did he spend time with for his final hours, that is despicable.

Another major issue is how Sora keeps saying his journey started with losing Kairi in this game, as if Riku wasnt ALSO lost that day, as if Riku wasnt the reason Sora kept on his journey even after saving Kairi and sending her back to Destiny Islands, as if he didnt fall to his knees and bawl his eyes out finally reuniting with him, as if he wasnt content with spending the rest of his life trapped in the Realm of Darkness with Riku, as if for the entirety of the base game of kh3 Sora wasnt constantly and only thinking about Riku and how many things he wished he could show him.

Apparently in Remind none of that happened, none of that mattered, it was Kairi that was his main motivation, it was Kairi that started his journey, Riku wasnt involved in it at all.

That is a huge issue with this DLC, it treats Riku like a side character and of little importance to Sora, in the base game they handled them fine minus that on instance in the Keyblade Graveyard where Sora says ‘Alone, Im worthless’ even though Riku’s right there but other than that their relationship and bond was handled very well but in Remind? practically non existent.

Now onto the story aspect, if your not into time travel and have trouble understanding the many variations of it then your gonna have a bad time because it gets VERY confusing to follow, which is why you should never introduce time travel because it becomes way too complicated to keep track of and not only that you also have to worry about things like paradoxes, ripples in time, alternate timelines etc. Its a complete clusterfuck to keep up with and manage so time travel really shouldnt have been introduced in this series.

Chirithy tells Sora that no matter what he cant change the past again, yet there are times where Sora does just that so exactly what cant he change? for example, when Roxas appears he asks Sora to do him a favor which is essentially getting the X back from Xemnas in their names. Sora does several things to make this happen and even Kairi gets a couple swings at Xemnas this time but then the two of them are basically caught and restrained inside shadow balls [pause]

See the prob? this is a huge change to that fight, Kairi never took a single swing at Xemnas, she just stood there and got snatched up, Roxas never asked Sora for help getting the X’s back from Xemnas, and Sora and Kairi never got restrained by Xemnas and knocked out.

Chirithy explicitly said Sora cant change what happened and no matter what he has to accept it for what it is, yet here he is, changing what happened. Maybe you could argue well this is an alternate timeline, even if it is that makes all of this irrelevant and means it never happened because the true ending is the one where it didnt happen, making this semi useful Kairi moment really pointless because at the end of the day its not canon, her being useless is the true outcome, none of this matters.

That is extremely disappointing, so even if you alter the past for the better it doesnt matter because its an alternate timeline and that timeline isnt the real one making this whole redo pointless and time consuming for a short DLC that was an extra 30$ to play.

So the time travel is very confusing and even if you follow it, it ends up being very disappointing when you realize none of it matters.

Moving on to some of the tied loose ends, Im glad they explained why Aqua froze up after saying ‘We stand together’ and I like how we get to see how Young Xehanort came to have the beliefs that lead to what he did and also MOMs subtle influence on him succumbing to darkness.

He told Xehanort that he would outgrow the robe and no longer need it because if he was truly powerful then he’d be the one controling the darkness, this leads to Xehanort later begining to travel without the robe and being corrupted. So we know now that MOM also influenced that as well and is very sketchy, even more now than he was before since this action greatly influenced what Xehanort eventually does and all the pain he caused, all of which would have probably never happened if it wasnt for him.

But thats just my theory and what I got from it.

I liked that we got to see Namine for a brief moment where Sora basically brushes her off and completely forgets about thanking her, this is a plotline Im pretty sure at this point is just never going to get resolved. He just tells her to go to the Final World and walks off, which makes no sense because Sora was surprised to see her in the original playthrough.

Another change was Lingering Will dying to protect Sora, again this never happened because Sora was busy fighting alongside everyone in the maze while Lingering Will and Terranort were fighting away from them. After Lingering Will died for him then Sora is pretty much squeezed to death by Terranorts Stand, or atleast knocked unconscious.

So much about these are just so confusing as to how they are happening when Chirithy said the events couldnt be changed I just stopped questioning it.

But atleast this time its made clear that Namine is the one who sent Lingering Will to help everyone and how she did it, so now people can stop saying Kairi is the reason everyone survived because it wasnt, without Lingering Will they would have all died a second time.

Basically the first half of the DLC is just recap with some minor changes and additions to the cutscenes, you get to play as other characters like Riku [optional] Aqua [not optional] and Roxas [optional] but other than that its basically the same thing all over again for the first 3-4 hours of the DLC, that is ridiculous.

The new content finally starts when Kairi is shattered, funny how the game gets good after Kairi dies xD I’ll stop.

Anyway once Kairi dies is when we finally get explorable Scala, but not without having to endure an insane fight with tons of heartless and nobodies and yes its more complicated than you think. It doesnt matter how many heartless or nobodies you kill, they will keep coming until you kill this one red heartless with way more health than your average heartless has.

After that you can pretty much wander around Scala as you wish and this is the only time where you can buy items or food so make sure to do that if your low on items. If your low on money there are minor enemies there that you can kill to get some so take advantage of this opportunity because your not getting another one.

Your goal in Scala is to basically run around, solve a couple puzzles, and get 5 of Kairi’s heart shards, revealed to having to be 7 later on. Sound fun? besides being able to see more of Scala’s layout, not really. But its a good place to take a breather before getting back into the big battles ahead.

Unfortunately your actually forced to fight the armored organization again but thankfully you dont have to do the ENTIRE final battle over, just that one section which I appreciate but wish we didnt have to do any of it at all.

So after we’re done Scala we get in MY opinion the two best parts of the entire DLC. We get to see what was going on with the rest of the keyblade wielders back home and it was INSANE and extremely well done, everybody had a chance to shine.

When everyone was swept away and Mickey was down and out, it was amazing seeing Mickey push himself back up and slowly with what little strength he had take on all the armor organization BY HIMSELF severely weakened, yet still powerful enough to hold them off and stand his ground. He really showed us WHY he is the King, so THAT I really enjoyed. It was extremely well done and one of the most memorable parts of the DLC.

The next part was even more insane and well done, which is us getting to fight as all the keyblade wielders against the armored organization and even get some cool dialog and team attacks in between, it was just amazingly well done seeing everyone work together and switching between characters was just so epic and enjoyable.

Honestly I could play those two parts over and over again and enjoy it everytime, their just that good and the most memorable in the entire DLC.

Coming back with Kairi and killing Xehanort together with all the keyblade wielders including Kairi this time was satisfying to see but it excludes Xehanorts and Eraquses final words, I mean yea seeing Xehanort have a semi happy ending put off alot of people but at the same time, seeing Xehanort come to the realization that he was wrong about everything and giving the Wayfinder trio closure by seeing their master one last time and hearing his apology to them just held more weight to me.

Im not saying I think Xehanort should be redeemed as easily as he was, but I feel like excluding Eraqus and their final words made the ending feel hollow, just ok we beat the bad guy, happily ever after now. Thats pretty lackluster and unsatisfying In my opinion.

Finally the ending....

Heres where Im gonna be biased and give my personal thoughts. Warning if your a fan of Kairi skip to the very end of the review where I give my overall rating

I hate the ending, for the reasons I listed in the beginning but also many others. I get the main focus was gonna be Kairi since the DLC was about saving her, Im not mad about the obvious, Im mad about the execution.

The Sokai agenda was so forced and apparent its not even funny, they shove it in your face so hard yet when Sora is talking with Chirithy he still refers to Kairi as a friend, really? your shoving this pairing down our throats just to have Sora still friendzone her? Im not mad because I dont want them together anyway but I hate the games being played here, you either want them together or you dont, pick a friggin side Nomura.

And while we’re on the subject, I hate, HATE, how this game is so heavily romance focused when Kingdom Hearts was NEVER about romance to begin with, it was always about friendship and bonds. Not in this DLC though, no now its all about Kairi and being with her forever, traveling the world together, holding hands, all this lovey dovey nonsense nobody invested in the plot could give a rats behind about.

Sure people who are into Kingdom Hearts for the romance of course they dont mind, but Im pretty sure MOST people invested in this series are in it for the story, not some stupid pairing, and I HATE how much they shove it down your throat because it is just so forced and obvious what they were doing.

This was all damage control for Kairi, who has been a useless damsel in distress and dues ex machina in every single game shes been a part of. I repeat, EVERY SINGLE GAME SHES A PART OF.

Kh1 - Kidnapped, unconscious, Sora needs to die to save her.

Kh2 - Kidnapped, held hostage, Sora needs to find and save her.

Kh3 - Kidnapped, unconscious, is killed twice, Sora needs to die to save her.

Do you see what I fricken mean? Every fuckin game its the same danm thing over and over and quite frankly Im sick of it. You might as well say this is a Mario game because Kairi is princess Peach always gettin snatched up and Sora is Mario always going through insanely deadly trials to get her back, and then it happens all over again.

This DLC was damage control for that, instead of immediately getting snatched up by Xemnas she actually gets a few good swipes at him to no avail of course, and then she fights together with Sora against armored Xehanort, all of which is just damage control for her not doing anything in the entire franchise and pandering to her fanbase that are constantly screeching for playable Kairi and for her to do something.

It was also damage control for how non existent their relationship was and what a joke its been since Kh1. They arent fooling anybody because thats exactly what this was, otherwise why you have to try so hard to CONVINCE us how important she was to Sora? why did Riku have to get sidelined so much just to boost Kairi up? why’d Sora completely disregard Riku as a part of his journey? why did Sora not spend ANY time with ANYONE for his final moments alive? its so obvious why. The only way to convince anyone shes actually important and relevant is to play down everyone else or exclude them entirely.

Congratulations, you got your wish, good for you fandom, but at what cost?

The time they spent forcing so much Sokai could have been used to tie up way more loose ends than there were but nope, gotta squeeze in that Sokai, thats what yall really here for right? fuck off.

The two best moments of the game was so short lived its not even funny, this DLC was full of so much padding in the first half, forced romance and pandering for damage control they forgot to actually make this a decent DLC.

Since I recorded my gameplay from start to finish I can actually tell you the amount of old content vs the new

3-4 hours of mostly what we already seen with a few changes, I only died twice

1-2 hours of new content, probably less because I got lost and died alot

That is unacceptable, 30$ for only 10% new content? that is a robbery.

Not only that but the worst part is the Limitcut episode, databattles have always been optional for competative players who like the challenge. Now you are FORCED to fight these INSANELY hard bosses, all 13 in order to get the final bits of the aftermath of the story.

WE PAID FOR THIS, this wasnt free we PAID for it and yet we’re basically told ‘Hey if your a casual player and want the rest of the story? well you gotta fight 13 of these insanely hard databattles that used to be optional but now their madatory for you to get the rest of your moneys worth. Too difficult? cant do it? well too danm bad, get good or go home we got your money already so screw you guess you’ll never know’

That is a fucking robbery and a huge slap in the face to people who are invested in the story, not proving their the best by fighting insanely difficult battles no matter what difficulty your on. It wouldnt be an issue if this was always the case, but these battles were always OPTIONAL for competetive players to do if they WANTED to, but now its mandatory and if you cant do it then oh well middle finger to you.

I couldnt even beat Vanitas, I fought him first and then Luxord and I couldnt beat either of them so I just said fuck it and went on youtube to see what I paid to see for free. 30$ wasted on a game I cant even finish, your out of your fucking mind if you think thats fair and excusable.

Thats why at the end of the day I give it a 5/10, its not good but its not bad either, its just decent. But if you asked me if it is worth the time and money? fuck no, my advice? watch other youtubers play it and keep your 30$

If you want it just to play as some of the characters, experience the new content for yourself, and play the databattles then by all means get it.

But if you think thats not enough for you to spend 30$ for then dont get it.

Overall Re:mind gets a 5/10, useless padding for majority of the first half of things we’ve already seen and cant skip because theres new scenes mixed in, forced romance that nobody but shippers care to see, severely lacking new content, and unfair extremely hard mandatory databattles just to see the final aftermath of the story which is kind of important setup for the next game.

Fuck this DLC, this was my fist time EVER buying a DLC for ANYTHING and thanks to this its probably my last. So thank you Re:Mind, for ReMinding me why I never bought DLCs in the first place.

Ps - Im so glad playable Kairi was optional, thats one of the only things this DLC did right.

[thefeckisthis]

hello darkness my old friend.

well im not quite sure why this title nor what exactly am i going to write about, i just had the need to write. ever had that feeling? no? oh. ok.

its been a while since last post, many things had happened, fun, annoying,stressful, interesting and so on and some may expect sassy posts like first two and thats not going to happen with in this one, sorry not sorry.  ive been feeling the need to write about anxiety, not entirely sure why, just a feeling in me telling me to do so so lets see where it goes.

apologies for spelling mistakes because in these  last couple of sentences ive had so many red lines that makes me think can i even spell -_- (hello brain, you there?)  confidence is a tricky things. you are not born with it, you have to build it up. god knows i had no confidence before and i still struggle with it sometimes, especially with my anxiety - sometimes it can affect it really bad. when anxiety, i want to talk about because i think these kind of things should be talked about.

my anxiety levels are still not alarming but they are at that level when it can definitely affect my daily life, especially on bad days. ive definitely learned how to cope with it, sometimes it cant be helped. i definitely suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad) with medium to high social anxiety - https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder (which many people don’t believe heh) and ive discovered some unusual phobias that I have also count as anxiety issues (trypophobia,  Emetophobia, fear of knives are some of mine examples) so it can  vary from person to person.

(imagine having all those on almost daily basis, yaaay)

i know, lots of people will say ah everyone is tense and stressed, we all must have anxiety. no, just dont. its not the same. occasional stress is normal, anxiety is completely different. its not easy to be in constant worry phase, being triggered by small things (coffee can easily trigger mini panic attacks, been there done that), small inconveniences, theres so much to it.

another awful part of it is overthinking. that is what used to kill me and mess up relationships i had with people. one small  thing can set you back so much. as ive mentioned, some people learn how to deal with it and some people seek for help, and both of those things are amazing. letting it affect you is not amazing.

talk to someone, youre not alone.

i always tell people to not be afraid to talk to me about their problems, because i do know how it is, i do understand. i had some people who dont understand as much as they think they do and when id open up to them they would say just stop worrying, its ok.

uuuhm like no. thats the whole point. my brain cant stop worrying. thanks for letting me on deepest secrets of the world, appreciated. high chances are that we do actually know that but its sometimes impossible to stop worrying. if i could do that so easily i wouldnt be suffering from anxiety, right? 

do i have panic attack? yes i do. had more before, now it got down to 2-3 in 6 months, so thats around 6 a year. last year i had full blown panic attack, worst that i ever had, my whole body just shut down and i was crying for full on 45mins, not being able to breathe, talk or move. sounds fun, eh?  and lets go back to social anxiety, as ive said people say that i dont seem like an introvert or that i have any struggles with that.

i do tho. i just dont let it be stronger than me. my head and my body in social situations can be in full panic mode but ill be there sitting with smile on my face. there were social gatherings or parties where i would end up sitting on my own, trying to fight tears and the emotions in me would be bubbling and getting worse and my common sense would be trying to fight them, thats why i end up sitting in corner like a weirdo. meting new people? socializing? that doesnt sound fun for me at all, i usually just avoid situations like that. i will talk most of the time and joke and its just because my common sense is trying to fight anxiety while at the same time my anxiety is trying to take over.  i wish i can explain what is going on in my head. 

if you invite me to go somewhere with you, dont leave me. please. thank you.

it has also affected my job, if i get a task im not sure what to do, or im told to just amend something, i just wish to get up and leave until my head gets clear. ive noticed small things i tend to do when i feel that anxiety is getting higher than i want it to be, eg ill start picking at my nails, ill bite my lip till it hurts, just shut down and stare blankly, taking deep breaths, shaking my hands to stop them from shaking (weirdly i think itll shake off my stress), do weird stuff with my hands, or all combined. rare people noticed all the things and actually knew when i was starting to get my anxiety attacks and they were really helpful.

how to help someone if you see them starting to have anxiety attack?

people deal with anxiety different ways, dont just assume one thing will help everyone. - for example hug wont make me calm, im not a fan of human touch in general and hugging me when im having an attack will only make me more stressed and more triggered and itll make everything worse. - dont force the person to talk about it, rather just ask them if they want to talk about it, if they dont, please dont leave them, just sit there in silence that means a world. -if they do want to talk about it, never, and i repeat never say dont worry its nothing or just stop worrying and think happy thoughts. 

- talk with them about it, or let them talk. ask what is the issue, why does it make them feel that way, just try to find solution slowly. - if a person starts crying, let them cry. crying is amazing way to release the tension and it will help the person to feel more at ease - if you do notice early signs of anxiety attack, change the environment, divert the person, make them think of something different

- dont make the person walk or do something they dont want to, it will cause things to go worse, personally ill probably just sit and curl up and cry my eyes out but for the love of god dont touch me or make me walk, my body is just not able and its causing more stress

- after the attack calms down, let person go on with their life, dont talk about it straight after. let them fully calm down. some people (most cases me) will be ‘normal’ after the episode (after my big one i straight away started joking how disgustingly runny my nose was from crying)  and some people will take a bit longer

We are all different in handling the situations. Anxiety like every other disorder is not easy and it has to be taken seriously. If you have it, if you know someone who has it, please talk to those people. Be supportive. Dont make them feel like there is something wrong with them. Small conversation and an ear to listen can go a long way.

be a friend and be a human.

[ceuell]

| 03:37AM 27-12-19 |

Teach me how to sleep.

Its one of those nights where my mind just cant stop running. That it keeps me awake and thinking of all possibilities that im not suppose to worry about. Nights where I reflect about how great and tragic this year, 2019, have been. The countless times i fall. Falling on the same trap because i cant and have yet to learn the form of acceptance. To accept the fact that as days passed, there is growth and there are changes. Changes wherein im not ready to face.

Friend(s), i thank you for always being there. For being 8-digits away. we may have grown apart and may not have the same view anymore but i thank God that whenever we make time for one another, we still find the love that brought us together making it possible to meet at one point and enjoy each other's company once again. The never failing support and advices whenever there is a decision to make. The words of comfort when there are situations that we cant seem to understand. The comfortable silence and impromptu meet up when we just need a friend. i thank each of you.

Ate(s). the amount of words i typed and erases just shows i have no words to describe how thankful i am. i was at the lowest point, at the border, about to cross to the other side but God is ever faithful and gave you to open my mind and soften my heart once again to go back to Him. It wouldnt be possible if you didnt let God to use each of you. Such blessing i cant explain. For the first few years of being together i've learnt alot through observing. The following years was a challenge because now, i've grown older and the learning part is over. To apply the things ive learnt from each of you. A tough journey as the time has come where the purpose is over. It was always my fear to be close to another person because I know God would place that person for a purpose and when he/she is done with it, He too would take them away, for me to grow on my own. Eventually that happened. One by one, each of you have your own ways to go to. It was hell of a ride. changes once again. one significant one just recently, got me so broken that i cant even fathom. the amount of why. how. when. what is it that i miss and didnt realize it was happening. however, i thank God that he was able to draw me to another perspective and not drown once again in the sea of anxiety. He was actually teaching me through other people's experiences. i am deeply broken but God is with me and the rest of the Ates. I may not be expressive in my actions but i love each of you and i cant wait to give back whatever you guys have given me. sooooooon.

To my parents. It has been a rough road. as we grew older, everyone starts to have our own schedule and plans. the house has become only a place to sleep. there are times where we would only see each other in church. still, you guys never fail to show that you are there to support me. i may be the one who always isolate myself when things get tough thinking that i can do it and i didnt want to add on to the things you guys are already handling. there are times where i would ask God to give back the days where it was only our family. But he would rebuke me by reminding me how the church has been a blessing. i am so thankful that i have a parents whose heart is so big. the amount of time you guys spent on others, helping, guiding, comforting. It is indeed one of the traits i want to have/learn. I pray that God would continue to bless the both of you long life and good health. I love you both.

i may not have been the best this year but i tried. i tried my best. to those whom ive only manage to spend a little time with, i hope i made an impact in life and im sorry for whatever i may have done to offend you. to new friends ive met and felt comfortable to open myself once again, i appreciate you. to the one who made me feel special for the past 2 years, im thankful. though it may not happen but im thankful that we manage to talk through it.

i dont know how to end this now. But all these are things im thankful for. 2019 is one of a kind. Let 2020 be something fresh and sweet.

| 04:28AM 27-12-19 |

[solarskraps]

*slams hands on desk* MORE STANMAN HCS PLEASE???????????

rubs my gay little hands togethercomin right up 

heres the first btw!!

- yes, they are football boyfriends!! and they play on the school team together for a while!! until eric would get kicked for cheating dskljf stan would be the captain/quarterback and eric would be a fullback (a big part of a fullbacks job is protecting the quarterback :3c dont quote me on that lmao) Catch Eric fucking TACKLING hos to the ground and their team often winning because of it. Hes a big guy, definitely uses his size and weight to his advantage to protecc the bae 

- they sort of extremely lowkey battle over who gets to do all the “””””man™””””” stuff when cuddling and smooching and stuff when they’re both still teenagers. it might be due to the internalized homophobia they both deal with ));  theyd grow up and learn better though; not caring and just wanting to love each other when theyre smarter 

- shelly lowkey had a crush on eric lmfao, she gets hella jealous once stan and eric get together and probably takes it out on stan oof oof oof ;;; hes older though, able to stand up to her, Stan gets her to back off before eric can hear about the abusive bullshit he sits through 

- eric is actually a lot more nervous about telling people about the relationship at first, mostly because he wouldnt want anyone to ‘think hes not coOoOoOol’ Stans only fear is his dad and kyles reaction once they’re public 

- eric and stan are both AMAZING at cooking. stan learned everything from his dad shoving his cooking obsession down his throat, eric has always been a good cook. most of erics food is super unhealthy though so stan usually trys to handle the cooking for them. eric does breakfast, snacks and dessert. stan does lunch and dinner 

- eric goes intensely out for his and stans dates. this man is so fucking extra i stfg; he wouldnt take him to seaworld or the zoo to see a whale, he’d somehow sneak them on a deep sea exploration ship or submarine to see whales. stan is always reluctant at first until eric convinces him they’re not getting in trouble and ‘he knows what hes doing’ lmao??

- stans dates are usually more simple but SUPER romantic. take him up to denver, a nice place to eat, cute lil couple walks in the park; 

> winter walks, they’d cuddle together as they walk, fall the look at all the        pretty leaves and take pictures, spring the same but with flowers and                    summer they’d stop by a pond and maybe just sit and relax. eat some                  snacks n hangout and enjoy each others company 

- SPEAKING of pictures, eric has a passion for photography. many, many of his personal photos are candid shots of stan

- stan finds the pictures someday, eric gets super embarrassed and insists they arent his “oh my god??? what the fuck, some creep is taking pictures of my bo yf reiends, and its  s o NOT me ,, ;;”   dfsf. stan would just cut him off, kiss him and say he loves them sdkljaf im WEAK ugh i love these two 

[swayinghummingbirds]

i feel like i need to blog more stuff out of me to research my own thoughts ignore me or help me either is welcomed. 

so like i was diagnosed with mdd , panic/anxiety disorder so i know how it goes and how it feels and all that jazz. used to be on medication and not for almost two years. i can usually cope well since while i was on medication ifound many ways to do so. but now ive come across season affective disorder and i gotta say i am not a fucking fan. i cant bring myself to do the coping mechanisms because im fucking cold and there is no sun ever.  

this time last year i felt the exact same way and almost moved back to fl but didnt want to give up on tn yet. but im wondering is it maybe time to give up on it? i have no family here. and my family is expanding and growing without me. which makes it worse. 

ive been where i am for almost a year now and its been good. but there are no sidewalks like anywhere? im so tired of sharing walls. sure, its a townhouse and its pretty big and two floors and fire place but my neighbors are so annoying and for some reason in tennessee so many people think its absolutely okay to let their dogs out with leashes? 

knoxville is a really cool city and ive loved living here but idk if i can stand the winter. and its just a mild winter, idk how yall in the north handle it. i see now why when i moved abck to pa for 8 months my mom had it by the time march came around and we moved back to fl. 

a part of me feels like i might even just get bored with where i am after a certain amount of time considering how i was brought up. i have moved 17 times, which is wild for a child. probably why i have a hard time making friends too. 

tried leaving work yesterday after i got my list done (usually isnt a problem for my manager but the ass. manager always fights me with it). i told him three times i already had 2 1/2 hours of overtime and ill be leaving when im finished but bitch never listens to me and acts like he didnt hear me say it to his damn face.Usually i ask just to be polite and make sure but this time im telling him. kind of snapped on him because the day before i just cried all fucking day and had that feeling in my stomach and felt the same way when i woke up. old me would have called out, one because the position i was in was easily fillable but now im actually needed so i go to do my job and if i get done early that means im working my ass off and sweating like a pig to get done three hours early. (and the girl who does the work on the two days im off never gets the shit down or sets the room or anything up in order to have a good morning because the whole thing is very time sensitive and its very frustrating. also she called out like three times this week and made my week shittier than it needed to be.) like bitch no that doesnt mean i want to stay and help with other things after exerting so much energy that i dont even have in myself to begin with. so anyways i cried and then the manager came and talked to me and was understanding because he is aware of my mental health issues and i forgot steve- the ass manager (assistant manager , but also ass because he can be an ass) was not aware. so all in all i talked to my manager and told him and he was very supportive and then i went to apologize to steve and he reassured me i was valued and adored here which was nice. and i had to basically tell him if im trying to leave early it usually means because im feeling like a crazy bitch whos on the break of a mental breakdown so. quit fighting me. 

so anyways. 

even if i did move back fl ive finally gotten myself where i wanted to be in my job but i guess if it was meant to be the universe will take care of it just like it did when we moved here. 

a week before almost moving back to fl my grandparents came to visit and we were in crossville, which is the half way point from here to where we were living at the time and i was like hey lets try knoxville and the next day we went to look at apartments and as we were looking this place went up for rent almost as if the universe here, ask and you shall receive. because i was only looking at places that was in between the three stores that we could have possibly transferred to because i had no idea which one it was going to be i just new it was going to happen. and then when trying to transfer we my fiancees assistant manager knew the manager at this store here and said that he would take both of us and needed help in the area i wanted to be in and i was like wow amazing its all working out. and it did and it was great and then it got cold. and then holidays came. and birthdays came. and i ive learned so much about myself and i feel like yes i needed this part of my life. and now im not sure if istill need it. 

we have a vision of owning a little home a nice big plot of land near the mountains with a spring and creek on site with woods around. if we kept it up and really searched when the time came yeah im feel like we could find it. but what if i still feel this way when were there? then weve bought a home and it would be harder to get rid of. i have a vision of my own business with yoga. i find myself in capable of moving between the months of decemeber and march. then what. even when i get on to the mat i cant get into the flow. 

and what if we move back to fl. would he resent me for giving up on our dreams? will i be tired of people demanding my time and energy? will i bitch about the heat all the time and the fact that neighbros are every where? probably, yes, yes, and yes. 

but will i resent him for not moving back to spend our lives with our families? will i resent myself for not listening to the feeling in my stomach? or would i resent myself if i did listen to that feeling and gave up on the mountainous dreams. 

i know we would welcomed back with opened arms and i know not many would miss us here. 

the mountains are beautiful and so mystical when there. i wonder how it would be to live there. i always end up feeling so creeped out at some point of hikes because i feel like something is watching us, and i know there is, there is always is whether its and animal or a spirit. but sometimes those spirits, or beings, are just so strong of a force. what if we bought a property with one of those that wouldnt be able to make peace with us? i always imagined if we ended up with a property with strong entities then we would make peace and ring singing bowls and plant luscious plants for them. but what if they hate it all. and what if our neighbors down the street end up being cannabilistic cult people? what if some animal tried to maul my dog (which already happens frequently, shes a chihuahua everything is out to get her). what if something happens at oak ridge? i had no idea i was living next to a giant nuclear power plant thing. 

but then its like okay what if theres a giant hurricane that tears my house down (i had a tree fall on my house during matthew which is one reason why we left) or the storm sturge sweeps my house away. trey is scared of tsunamis, not that one has happened there probably ever, idk but it is a weird fear of his. surprisingly tornados do happen in tn too. 

and a day like today, where trey is working all day and i have the day off. there isnt much to do. its cold out so i cant sit on my patio for a few hours like i would in the summer. i dont like to go shopping. i dont have a friend to hang out with, which is my own fault people im really not a big people person. i have hung out with a couple a few tiems, and idk ij ust would rather not. but if i were in fl i could go hang out with my brother, or treys sister, or the few friends i have there. or go to the beach and sit on my own, because its not fucking weird to sit alone there and usually you dont have to worry about getting mugged. i cant go to the parks here on my own. i cant take my dog for walks around here because there are no side walks and people just look shady af everywhere. 

when i went to visit for my brothers wedding in october i realized how i did not appriciate the plant life naturally around all year round when i lived there for 11 years. i guess mostly because it wasnt until two years ago that i really got in to plants but omg i cant stop imagining what our yard would look like if we were in aplace where things could just be outside all year round. i would take cuttings of my plants andjust put them every where have my own little tropical paradise in my front and back yard. 

i know this all is really sounding one sided atm but this time last year i was having the exact same visions and the exact same thoughts. and i thought about how what if my brother has kids and im up here well hello here we are now and thats happening. i feel like i need to be there. theres even a house for sale on the same street as him and all i could was fantasize what i would do to the house and how i would baby sit for them and be able to see my dog that i left with him because ultimately she was is but we co owned her together and just to be there. and be with my mom. shes living in orland with her boyfriend and i feel like the fact shes goingt o be a grandmother might sway him into moving closer, she hates the city and i imagine shes just as depressed as i am to be away and to be in a city where you dont feel safe to go outside alone. we are creatures of nature and both pisces and very sensitive to everything. 

and what if trey and i have a baby at some point? we have no one here to help us. i was thinkg about how our wedding date is a year and like two months away and i have no one here to help me plan. and for a long itme i always imagined myself getting married at this place called sugar mill gardens, a botanical garden that i had always loved in my home town there. when trey and i got together we would pokemon go there and take clippings, and i still have those plants today. but then this new vision came where we would get married on our future property. i feel like we are still a long way away from buying a house here though. idk if we would be there in time. and since we went back in october all i can think about is getting married in sugar mill. he reproposed to me when we were there and that was so sweet and just made me want to be there instead for it. 

this is very long but these are my constant thoughts that all happen at once and it feels nice to get them out to piece them together and not feel so overwhelmed with all them at one time in layers upon layers of thoughts. sometimes my vision even goes out and i dissociate and just work blurred vision cross eyed for ten minutes, who knows maybe its an hour. im back there by myself for eight hours a day idk. 

[channieskzlove94]

at the top of my recipes list is japchae because i had a mildly scarring experience with a local restaurant and i still dont know what vegetable(?) i found in it but it very uncomfortable to not know what i was going to be consuming and the next one is mango sticky rice which is actually really simple but everyone in my house loved it when i ordered some from a thai food truck (it was so good, wed had it before? but this was from an authentic thai owned food truck and it showed)

block b is so good! honestly some of my favorite songs come from groups that are disbanded or pretty much there topp dogg? theyre everything imo, 4minute? everything and more, and i wish i had gotten into kpop earlier but i live in a terrible area to be encouraged to view outside cultures

i think my favorite historical drama is the untamed (its chinese) because music is so prevalent also its very fantasy and despite the forced censorship regarding the main relationship (theres a whole uncensored novel) its still very apparent to me that theyre in love and stuff which i deeply appreciate but its incredibly long so it really brought out the worst in my attention span issues, ive also started watching rookie historian and i really like it so far but im not that far into it :/ i really relate to being totally absorbed in a drama and stuff though, if something really spectacularly catches my attention (without being 50 episodes all being 45 minutes long) i really get sucked in and its like all over for anything else

only one of my geckos ever tries to bite? and its only very occasionally- we try to leave him alone for the most part because its after a lot of handling. one of our geckos is albino! shes super super pretty but were really super careful about lights and stuff because of her eyes- i obviously cant make your decision for you but if you decide to get something other than a rodent maybe check give/donate the items to your friend and the shelter? because there are things your friend probably wouldnt need like another cage (obviously assuming you dont think youll get another rodent in the future)

mugs are super fun! i have a couple of fun mugs i was given as gifts and my favorite one is a black one that turns into the skyrim opening scene as it gets hot! also i looked at the mugs you mentioned and theyre super cute! i like rocks and shells and stuff as souvenirs (legally obtained, i bought a gypsum rose once and my life will never be the same)

tbh i cant pick between coffee or tea. im a bit of a snob when it comes to individual roasts and sources or types of tea (especially when it comes to earl grey) i also cant pick between iced or hot for either- its all go its place :)

im excited for you to see my blog too! ive not had my kpop sideblog for the entire time ive been into kpop? but its packed full of so much stuff! i actually didnt have all that many friends on tumblr? im 19 though so it kinda died down quite a bit among people my age, like obviously people are still joining the site but i feel as though its not As Big if that makes sense? also smth smth conservative hicksville, ohio population: many

it sucks that you couldnt attend that particular lecture but you might be able to find other events similar to it hosted on youtube or other various sites

whats one place in the world you want to visit assuming unlimited funds, n health n stuff? it can be a monument or a museum or a country or a city and it doesnt have to be some place youve never been before either. i think id like to see the ocean i dont even care where i am as long as i can actually see the sea or maybe go back to marble head lighthouse (its on lake erie) even though im terrified of heights- i went for what i think was my eighth birthday and it was pretty great all things considered

the melatonin i took is starting to kick in extra hard right about now so im sorry if something is confusing but i really do gotta go-🌻

oooh japchae!!! yes i love japchae. i think if you find a good recipe and make sure you aren’t unfamiliar with any of the ingredients it should probably be delicious when you make it! i’ll definitely check out the untamed! that sounds super interesting. and since there’s a novel i might see if i could read it! i hope they have a translated version or i’m doomed haha.  i’m not sure the shelter would take my cage but i’ll definitely donate the other stuff if i decided to get anything other than another rodent! hamsters require a lot of room to run around and dig so i made a big cage for her. it’s a little janky since it’s homemade so i think they shelter would probably say thanks but no thanks haha.  i have a terrible fear of being bit after a traumatic childhood experience with a hamster that would let go of my hand. i’ve gotten better at it but anytime i meet new animal species it’s always the first thing on my mind.  the gypsum rose sounds and looks super cool! i did a quick google search. do you have a shelf where you keep them and display them? do you label them?  I feel you on the tumblr thing. i’m 26 and most of my friends are completely out of the tumblr space. i came from a really small town in pennsylvania so i completely understand the conservative hicksville struggle. i went to japan one summer between 9th and 10th grade and when i got back everyone that it was weird that i had even wanted to go there.  when i was like 10 my parents and I went to the Crayola museum and it was so much fun. i have such fond memories of walking around and learning about the crayons and i just thought it was all so fascinating. i’d love to go back there. i’ve never been to a lighthouse before so that would be a lot of fun! i’m not suuuuper terrified of heights unless it’s like really really high! 

your fear of heights reminds me of minho in the fandom tour episode where they go to nami island. it’s so cute how he makes IN help him over to get on the zipline.  melatonin always hits me so hard. when i wake up in the morning i feel like i got hit by a truck and i usually end up sleeping through my alarm.  if you could meet any person in the world who would it be? i mean obviously i want to meet kpop stars but i’d love to meet the film director wes anderson. I love the way he frames and designs his films and i love to learn more about his inspirations.

[oceanivoxjoquainx]

Still not over Andi Mack. Not anywhere close.

I really need to rant and I have no one else to rant to (cuz my friends have never been into the same stuff as me) so I'll just rant to myself about this. I really love Andi Mack. Not just cuz of Cyrus and repressntation, but because the show on the whole is amazing from the theme song to the shows themes and honestly every character is perfect.

Andi herself is amazing. Shes a chinese american girl with a passion for crafts, nice, smol, and just great all around. She was upset when the whole family stuff went down of course but that girl bounced back soooo quick it was amazing. She handled it so well (Well as well as a 13 year old can handle something like that). Shes grown so much over that first season too and ot made me soooo happy to see it happen. She stood up for herself more and gained a whole lot of self confidence in the process. How she treats Jonah in the beginning of season 1 and where they are now is just.... Mind blowing and inspiring. People falling for someone and doing whatever they say is a serious thing. I felt it and did whatever the guy I liked wanted. I'm glad the creator felt the need to show it.

Next is Buffy. My mixed curly haired queen. I love her man she's a bamf and reminds me so much of my best friend its scary. She's athletic, super competitive, fierce, supportive of everything and no matter what you know she has your back. She has her own baggage too cuz I assume her moms overseas in the army maybe? They haven't gotten into her family life and that's an arc id love to see happen. Her relationship with my boy Marty from the party is super cute and I'm glad she has someone who can match her blow for blow because thats exactly what she needs. How she handles Cyrus is honestly the cutest thing and if they are literally me and my best friend. Shes like his mama bear always there to comfort and show him the way. She's like that with Andi too. Its beautiful to see.

After her is Bex. I applaud Bex because she's really trying to change and be there for the daughter. I admire her ability to just play along with her parents for so long just to ensure that Andi had the best life possible. Even now she's back she's helped change Andi so much. She's even grown up a lot since her return. She works hard like a mother should and reminds me of my mom. Doing everything to ensure her kids happy even if that means giving her up (tht scene almost made me cry tbh). She tries so hard and when Andi called her mom I was crying with her too. Bex is a good noddle, makes me proud and hopefully she can continue to do so.

Ham is my boy. My ultimate goal of being a dad. Not too 'cool' not too 'cringey'. He knows what's right for his family and even tho he's a sub to CiCi he loves them all unconditionally. He's soft but still firm enough to know what to say and when to say it and to whom. Alwyas giving advice and supporting his family.

CiCi rubbed me the wrong way in the beginning but then i began looking at life in her eyes and began to understand her. Her only kid got pregnant as a teen (16? 17 maybe?) And she's terrified that Andi would do the same. I still don't condone lying to your grandkid (Oh yeah Celia. I said it) and keeping them from their real mom but I still get it. I'm glad shes come to term with it now and decided to accept her daughter back into her heart and give up Andi. Like mother like daughter I suppose?

Jonah... Jonah, Jonah, Jonah. My fav little hearttrob. He has this gravitation to him that give no choice but to like him. He reminds me of my first love which makes Cyrus all the more relatable to me. He's charismatic, spontaneous, and a generally happy guy. I'm sure there's some back story behind those eyes but I guess I'm going to have to wait to find out what.

I even like Amber. Sure she was a snotty bitch in the beginning but she did a 180 when Jonah broke up with her. Who knew a she needed was a little humility to make her seem a little bit likeable? Everyone. But anywho. I can't wait to dive into her arcs as well.

I can't remember his name (I sowwie) but its Andi's dad and he has such a kid attitude to him its also hard not to immedeatly like him. Its refreshing to see dads who try as hard as him because so many kids these days have dads who really just aren't good for them. He loves his kid even though he barely knew her and they act so alike its hard NOT to see Andi's his child. He's just so cute about everything and he has his quirks which make him a very likeable character.

Now on to my untimate favorite character in the show, Cyrus. I loved Cyrus as soon as I first saw him. Hes such an innocent cinnamon roll and hes too adorable for this world and we dont deserve his him here and I just want to protect him and keep him safe from all the bad in life including heartbreak. Luckily he has Buffy for that. He's such an oddball with so much personality. If I was a character I would be Cyrus because he's just so pure and perfect. His whole Cirus thing was cute as hell and because he's such a princess it was nice seeing Iris take over when he couldn't. His obsession and attraction to Jonah was obvious from the beginning and I love how the situation was handled. It was all so real and just perfect. Cyrus was confused and alone and sad because he has these feelings for a guy which he's never felt before and not only that there's a high chance these feelings would be unrequited because Jonahs falling for Andi. Cyrus is such a trooper because there's a small part in him that even accepts that. I also love how he isn't given a label yet in the show because its honestly realistic. If you're 12 or 13 and having a sexual awaking you wouldnt know what to identify as and the fact that he doesn't call himself gay when he's talking to Buffy makes it even better because he just doesn't know what he is. And its beautiful how Buffy accepts him instantly without hesitation. That whole scene where he tells Buffy how he feels was so beautiful and perfectly executed. I love how normalized it was liek it wasn't a big deal at all but it was still important. I love how Cyrus' orientation wasn't the focus of the whole episode but was still felt throughout the entire episode. You could feel and see the emotion, confusion and fear in his voice and eyes and Buffy just takes those all away. Hes so amazing and perfect and I want a real life one. I know there's a high chance he and Jonah aren't getting together because of Andi and Jonah so I'm 100% sure Cyrus is going to get a whole other interest. Id love to see how the show implements him and I can't wait to have a ship that transcends my love for Jack and Ennis (and trust me Brokeback Mountain owns the keys to my soul). Even if Cyrus pines for Jonah until the very end I'll be perfectly happy and fine with that because its realistic. Also in my eyes Cyrus can do no wrong.

Andi Mack is a masterpiece of a show and I can't wait to watch it grow and inspire the millions of kids it already does. I wish I had a show like this when in was going through all this but I think I can settle for enjoying it for now. I'm happy the next generations are going to grow up being able to see the LGBT+ people in the world being validated and accepted. Ik this is a lot and if you've read all of this then you're a goat and the mvp. Thanks.

[shankarjaikishanfansassnintl]

Recording of Jaane Chaman Shola badan

By

Sharda

  ·

I could not beleive my ears when Shanker sab told me that he is going to record a duet with me & Rafi sab . I say, ‘ What ? Me ? Meeeeee ?…. With Rafi sab ? You must be kidding ‘ He says ‘ no you are singing duet with Rafi . The recording is fixed . From tomorrow we are doing rehearsals ‘…. God .. Oh God…………..

The rehearsals over, dawns the day of the recording .

The historical Famous studios Tardeo , from where thousands of evergreen songs have come out for us.

You go up the few steps , then you come to the passage , To your right side is the recording room with mixers & recorders & giant film rolls mounted upon huge machines. Those days they used to record songs on film rolls.

Adjoining the control room comes the singers room with microphone stands & all . You go a little further there comes the musicians’ hall big enough to hold all of S J musicians & more .

Sitting in the control room is the top recordist Minoo Katrakji with his assistant Mr Bansali next to him .

I am sitting in the singers’ room wondering how Rafi sab is going to react to me . What if he does not like me ?

The hall is filled with musicians ,Shankerji standing in the middle surrounded by Hasrat sab & the producer ‘s people

In the far corner sit rows & rows of violinists with violas , cellos & double bass in the last row. The first row will play the melody part .Many MDs keep single violin to play the melody . But SJ liked to keep more , Next rows play the music ,the next one play the counters & behind them the row plays the bass part

Next to them sitting are soloists like keyboardist , lead guitarist & as such .

Then a group of four or five melody rhythm guitars is sitting with top piano player of India Mr Roberts sitting in the grand piano behind them .

Then comes the rhythm section…drums , congo , tumba bongo & all . Next to them in a raised dais sit a dozen or so percussionists with all sorts of sound making gadgets like maracus kabash tambourine bells rotos scratchers screechers chuk chuks , chick chicks etc.

The music rehearsals start with Shankerji checking , Sebastianji making the musicians play part by part , piece by piece to perfection with Dattaramji bringing the rhythm beats along.

When all parts are rehearsed then comes the final rehearsal with song melody & music.

Shankerji’s himalayan personality & musical genius charging the musicians with enormous energy & enthusiasm they play by their heart & soul loosing themselves in a musical dream. Nearly hundred musicians playing at one time bringing out a glorious out of the world sound of music.

Fifty or so bows gliding front & back on the bridges of violins , fingers caressing strings of guitars & other music instruments , sticks dancing on the drums …..oof ……what a sound..

You should see it to believe it , you should hear it by your own ears to believe it .What you will hear is not even 50% of this magnificence. The microphones will struggle to take all this , but they wouldnt be able to handle. The recordist will sacrifice the counters & seconds in order to keep the voice up & the words clear.

It is Shankerji’s orchestration , for heaven’s sake . It is no one piece played by some violins ,stop , another piece played by another instrument , stop , then another piece played by another.

At one time three / four channels of music played by different sets of musicians , the first part , second , bass part , counters , fillers & what not …Do you hear all these parts when you listen to the records or anywhere else?

The musicians mesmerised by the sound they themselves are creating play as if bound by a magic musical spell.The hall swings & sways drowned in a musical nasha .

I watch this spectacular scene , awestruck , my heart floating in the clouds of music ,

Then the song comes to the end .The rehearsal conducted to perfection .

Presently the singer room’s door opens

Rafi sab enters , with a smile on his face . A divine aura fills the room as if a saint is entering the room ,

I get up to greet him . He signals me to sit down . Just then Shankerji , Hasrat sab , & the producers come in the room . They all greet one another .Then Shankerji introduces me to him . He acknowledges the introduction with a kind smile … No nose in the air stuff for him . No ‘ I am the greatest , who are you ? ‘ look in his eyes He says some nice , encouraging words to me. My fear & apprehensions fade away.

Seeing tension released Shankerji begins the voice rehearsal with full music playing . We both sing the full song along with full music.. Everything fine .

Rehearsals over , coconut breaking over time for recording .

The producers Hasrat sab & others go to the control room while Shankerji stays in the singers room to conduct both of us.

Rafi sab gets up to go to the mike stand. I tell him ‘ Rafi sab , till yesterday I was just fan of yours , I will always be a fan of yours . Now how can I stand next to you & sing ?’

He says in a most assuring manner ,’ Dont you worry , you are doing fine .You will do a good job ‘. The greatest singer of India standing there & talking to a newcomer in a most humble manner . I could not trust my ears.

Some what relieved . still wondering what I am going to do I look at all the musicians & I look at the door longingly , my heart saying ‘ get out & run away ‘…..But my legs take me to the mike . I stand there holding the stand wishing I was at home lounging in my favourite chair , reading Archie comics , eating hot hot home made pakoras………No chance of such luxury just now…….But another luxury waits for me….

The recording starts ..one… two… three.. four…

The music goes , ‘ Tararararararara… tarararararara tararara tararara………………

My heart also goes ,’Tarararararara …tararararara … ..somewhere high up in the sky , I dont know where.

I hear Rafi sab’s voice come floating in the air,’ Jane chaman shola badan pahlume ajao ‘

At this time Shanker sab comes to my rescue .

He waves his arm & lifts it , lifting my voice & the song comes out ‘O mere dil , mere humdum bahome ajao’ Rafi sab’s voice again . ‘Jane chaman …. & mine ‘O mere dil ………….

A dream world opens up … in this world there is nothing but the melody music & the song ..

The air drenching in the ecstatic sprinkle of music , Shankerjis arms moving in rhythmic waves Rafi sab’s voice leading , the song comes flowing like a dancing river

Time stands still ,listening to the song , five minutes.. five hours … eternity ? I dont know..

First music …. antara .. second music ……The song sails thro the cables into the machine in the control room..

Suddenly everything stops . No sound .. The song gets over .. I come back to the real world. Is the song recorded or what ?

Shankerji goes to the control room hears the song & he calls out ‘O K ‘

Loud cheers in the hall . We all collect in the hall to hear it in the big screen…The song is played in full volume……..Wow……………………………… Everyone is happy . Rafi sab gives me his blessings.

Pedhas are distributed .. Come, take your pedha..

[lokbobpop]

Confront

transitive verb. 1 : to face especially in challenge : oppose confront an enemy The mayor was confronted by a group of protesters. 2a : to cause to meet : bring face-to-face confront a reader with statistics confronted her with the evidence

mid 16th century: from French confronter, from medieval Latin confrontare, from Latin con- ‘with’ + frons, front- ‘face’.

Confront con front conf ront con fro t co nf ront

Writing the word confront

To want to confront someone and but i cant i fear ill lose they will say something smarter and me and i wont be able to find what i need to say comes up i have a fear of confronting people which has been good really except for that fact because i didnt confront and get it out the way i would then stew on it for weeks months later I remember falling out with the neigbour but wouldnt confront them why i was pissed off that they left all there shit in our garden i just ignored them and it just got worse and worse from then on in, and i should of just confronted them asked them to clean it up and that would of been it.

Reading the word confront

Being confronted a couple of times stick out when i heard something someone had said about my husband i said it to my husband he went mad at them and she then confronted me i was in hell of fear it was awful but she didnt care she was brave usually we people just ignore each other so but not her no i was shocked when she approached me i was shaking she said i didnt mean your husband and so on she wanted to work this out but couldn’t handle this being confronted i see but deep down i admired her courage to be able to do something like this i wished i could do such things instread of my usual go hind. Another one my friend was a but drunk and confronted me on my views of being anti vacs and she couldn’t stoop being angry at me i just sat there until i could get out i was shaking i didnt know what to do i just wanted to get out because i didnt know what to say it was awful all the things i new about vac had gone as soon as i heard it i dont retain stuff i just go off the info at the time then its gone so to tell someone why is hard and just sitting there made me feel so inferior I couldn’t wait to get out i was shocked. It all comes down to not being self confident not trusting myself not wanting the conflict anymore and mostly not wanting to lose the fight im only going into a fight if im going to win i see nowadays or its just not worth it but now knowing its all in reverse and its not about winning i wonder what id do now because i see i still have the spark of wanting to get back where ive been hurt within me why because i feel they think they are better than me why because they won the fight why because i dint say anything and you could see she was happy with her fight side why because she won i lost and that was the battle why because i didnt see realize and understand that its not about that its about being equal and not winning at the time i was and I hopefully would act in the proper manner next time of keeping my cool and seeing and realizing that she wants to win to feel better and i have no part in the fight when it’s like this.

Saying the word confront

I’ll confront a family member no problem i even like to do it because ive already decided ill win because ill battle until the end until i do ive seen myself love it its like you can do it to your family member because after you should be ok but your not ok hey its not right to do this and i see realize and understand that now i can be more tactful i can do things differently

Sf

Does this definition support me no it doesnt fear of being confronted was big because ive believed im not good enough to win the fight and feared all confrontation

Confront co front

Confront

To confront myself as much as possible of who i am in every given moment of time

To step up to whats wrong from a point of being equal with what ever it might be.

How will i live this word? I will live this worth with confronting myself on who i am as much as possible so i can see realize and understand who im living at all times so i can change my starting point from all and live me i am free i am alive i am life

[crypticquantumentanglement]

After an incredible amount of indecision, questioning, doubt, and fear, I have decided to go back on my bipolar medication. After 12 years, I've finally reached a point where I just couldnt live with myself any longer.

I was always rather stubborn when it came to taking my meds before. I never wanted to. I didnt like how they made me feel. Looking back, however, I don't think it was so much of how they made me feel but what they made me feel. They made me capable of actually being leveled enough to process my problems or various situations. They gave me the potential to allow myself to have peace in my life and I just wasnt ready to be at peace.

I reveled in anguish, negativity, and pain. There is a part of me that is always trying to be like that. Finding a problem when everything is perfect. Creating one if one can't be found. Punishing myself because I tell myself im worth nothing. Pushing people out of my life because i feel like i dont deserve them. Chasing them out and cutting them off if they wouldnt let me push them out. Not doing things I love because what right do I have to be any kind of special. Disinterested in everything because whats the point in having enjoyment when everything is so intolerable. Refusing to eat because I feel sick to my stomach from the anxiety. Unable to sleep well from the nightmares feeding my exhaustion. Bringing myself to the brink of utter emotional and physical destruction.

The flip side to this is worse in a way. Feeling completely unstoppable. On top of the world. Doing and saying things that are completely out of character for me. Being someone that i dont recognize. Spending money I dont have to spend. Overbooking myself with appointments trying to get everything done at once because im so far behind in life already. Pushing myself too hard to do too much. Suddenly being interested in things Ive never cared about before. Feeling "okay" and wanting the company of the people that i had pushed away. Still unable to eat because I've pushed myself too hard and waited too long and i feel sick. Unable to sleep at all, and what little bit I manage is usually only 2-3hrs. Being aware on some level that everything I'm feeling is superficial and wont last because the next round is coming to smack me back into my hole. Fighting against it trying to hold on to the notion that Im being productive and active, therefore i must be okay.

For a long time, I had myself convinced that I was in control. I knew what I was doing and I could handle myself. All that did was enable me to continue cutting myself off from the world and hiding inside my illness. It allowed me to become comfortable in a vicious cycle of emotional distress and poor choices, and at a heavy cost. The biggest highlights being 3 failed suicide attempts with accompanying hospital/psychiatric care stays, a failed marriage, poor parenting to my 2 beautiful children, and telling the love of my life that I couldn't be with him because I was bipolar and I didn't want him to have to go through that with me.

I stayed in horribly abusive relationships. Had the ever loving shit beat out of me. Bones broken, cuts, choked, slammed, drowned, dragged by my hair, locked in a closet, raped, dog killed before my eyes, burned, screamed at, drugged, demeaned, disrespected, disgraced and belittled all at the hands of people I had claimed to love and i stayed anyways. Something I'm having to face now is that isnt love. But it is what i was looking for. Not that I feel at fault for anything that another person chose to do to me, but i got exactly what I was looking for. I was looking for conflict. That part of me that is always looking for something to be upset and distraught over. That was my choice. And i used it to push others out of my life. I used it to fuel my self hatred without directly placing myself in the center of the fire. It gave my negative feelings validation and disallowed me from moving forward.

Staying in these horrible relationship, despite all of the transgressions, allowed for the roller coaster of emotions to be on a continual loop. After every horribe happening, there comes a period of mania. It throws all logical reasoning out the window, and all of a sudden, I'm on top of the world again. Busy, busy, busy. Go, go ,go. Its impossible to process anything in that state of mind. So all the hurt, all the pain, all the trauma just lies in wait. The mania makes it appear tolerable because I cant slow down enough to feel it. And when the mania subsides and makes way for the depressive state, that abuse is what I felt I deserved.

The pitiful state I was letting myself stay in. I dont have words that describe the shame I feel when I think about it. I chose to live like that, and in doing so, I failed to see what i was becoming. I was scared all the time. Skiddish and timid and nervous. Not exactly what one imagines when you think about living life on the edge. Im still that way now and its been 3 years since the last relationship ended. I jump clean out of my skin if someone moves too abruptly in my vicinity. I have flashbacks that make me burst out crying from nowhere. The hyper realistic nightmares wake me up every other hour and make me not want to go back to sleep. But while I was living it, that was what love was to me. Fighting on that level, begging and pleading with the other, crying until my eyes were swollen shut. All for the chance to cuddle in silence until I fell asleep. In my mind, despite the abuse, I was the crazy one, so if they could still want me in the end, then that was love, but it really wasnt.

My children have also fallen victim to my illness. My moods know no bounds when they decide to surface. At times, when I'm manic, I seem like supermom. We do all kinds of things; go all kinds of places. I'm very crafty by nature and being manic gives me the energy to not only do projects with my children, but to actually finish them too. I'll buy them things and spoil them, which is wonderful unless I'm spending when I shouldnt be spending. My children love me like this, and thats a big concern of mine too. They are children, 10 and 5, and have no way of knowing that my overly excited behavior is Mom being ill. They also have no way of knowing that my increasingly aggitated, over tired, angry, disinterested behaviors on the other side of that scale are also a sign of illness. They have been yelled at for senseless stuff, like talking amd laughing. Been made to go to bed early because i was about to pass out from exhaustion myself and i didnt want them up unattended. Had their ever action scrutinized in the most negative fashion. Neglected their homework, neglected their laundry, neglected cooking them hot meals and replaced them with sandwiches or anything my son was able to prepare for himself and his sister so that i didnt have to move. This list could go on forever.

But I have finally had enough. I'm done abusing myself over my mindset. Im done tormenting my children with inconsistent parenting. Im done making myself feel like I'm nothing and pushing everything away. Im done. I'm a singer, I'm an artist, I'm a guitarist, I'm a mother and I'm a friend. I'm a person, not an illness, and I don't want to continue defining myself by it. I will win this. I will take my life back. I will be someone worthy of love and respect. Someone worthy of my children's hearts. I am someone. I am not my illness.