#i was just thinking about these definitely not dysfunctional bitches recently

[ambyandony]

yep thats a normal family

[hismercytomyjustice]

Y'all, I am about to throw hands with Volo.

I spent...way too much time googling locations in Waterdeep and finally broke down and bought Volo's Waterdeep Enchiridion for the sake of my sanity.

Surely the "Visitor's Guide to the City of Splendors" would include helpful info like a list of taverns.

Surely.

NOPE. IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT.

Yeah, it hints at a few and don't get me wrong, I'm hype to see the other info about Waterdeep because of two future chapters I wanna write that are gonna be set there.

BUT. I am sorely tempted to stop writing and go kick his ass in BG3 out of spite.

Alas, I must exercise self-control, BUT HE'S IN MY CAMP IN GAME AND HE BETTER HOPE I FORGIVE HIM BEFORE I LOG BACK IN.

Sidenote, I'm on my actual laptop instead of doing EVERYTHING ON MY PHONE LIKE A PSYCHOPATH and god it's so much easier and faster. I wrote that whole ass 8k Hazbin fic on my phone. I've written and edited a significant portion of THIS fic on my phone. All because it creates less hurdles for my executive function and helps trick my brain into accepting my writing doesn't have to be perfect (*gasp*) because phone writing is fake writing (don't tell my brain otherwise).

The most consistently I ever wrote in my life was when I worked as a bank teller and had a little notebook I'd whip out between customers. Having Google Docs on my phone is pretty damn close to that. I can be in the doc and typing happily away before my brain derails me with OCD spirals like "this is terrible, you should give up" or "why do you think anyone would ever want to read something like this" or "you're never going to finish this."

I spent literal YEARS convinced I was never going to write again because of said OCD spirals (definitely didn't realize that recently *borderline hysterical laughter*) and executive dysfunction. I cannot tell you how fucking nice it is to finally be writing regularly again and to have been at it for months now. I didn't think this would ever happen again. It makes me a little emotional.

But yeah, Volo your days are fucking numbered you Shakespeare-lookin'-ass-bitch.

(No ill will intended to the folks who actually wrote the book. I’m just being a deranged silly goose.)

[nightmarevore]

hi! i'm getting into writing safe vore oneshots and i was inspired by a few of your works and reblogs. for years i was really discontent with my writing, but when i revisited some of your stories today, i noticed how similar your writing style is to mine, and the fact that people enjoy your content made me confident enough to complete a draft and plan a new story. i wanted to know if you make drafts and revise them? do you just publish the first draft? do you get help writing or editing them? 1☆

WAAAAAAAAAAAAH I;M SOBBING THIS WAS SUCH A NICE SERIES OF ASKS TO COME TO YOU'RE SO NICE TO MEEEEEEEE omg gomgo gomgomgomgklgkgfkjngfjbjdk i've never been complimented LIKE THIS or asked extensively for my process, this is new to me!!! you're wonderful and kind and i appreciate you.

i'm gonna have to make a readmore here as to not clutter up everyone's dashes to tell you my process/thoughts so HERE WE GO!!!!

i actually have only one fic i get edited and it's a non-vore fic, a very close friend of mine edits a fn.a f fanfic i'm writing based on w/illi.am a/f.to/n. i don't ask them to edit my vore stuff, but they do know i'm into vore. i actually write all my fics in a google doc!

i'll typically actually write as i go entirely. i have a rough idea of how i want the fic to go (who's in what, who does what, an event i need to happen, etc) and write along that rough guideline in my head. i write completely in order, or else i can't make it flow well together. sometimes i'll write what else may need to get done or else i may forget.

i'll consider things i decide to change as i go along "the first draft," since i went with something entirely different. for example, in one of my drafts for a wip fic, i chose to have luke, in the serial killer, panic and size-shift to half size and have the fic end with a half-size hurt/comfort vore from luke and rowan. instead, i changed it so luke is dazed but has time remain his current size and pull rowan out of his pred instincts taking over and have cuddles afterwards and vore when they got home, luke still the same size.

though adhd and autism get in the way at times—executive dysfunction is a bitch. a lot of things i have written, like a luke and rowan serial killer fic, as well a a fugue state william fic have been a WIP since February of this year—literally when i BROKE MY FOOT and was stuck in a reclining chair for a month. i keep telling myself i need to get to them, but then i see ffxiv and hanging out with friends and just decide that's a better way to spend my time at the moment. i've been in a huuuuge brain fog for a few months bc of this, the recent one shot i posted was actually made because i was speaking vore feelings i had with medli.

i definitely have an easier time writing when i'm specifically fixated on vore, luke and rowan, william, mike, etc.

i'll write when i'm hyperfixated, and my brain pushes me to write more when i'm at work rather than at home, because adhd classifies work as something i need a distraction from, and home as chill time. i'll write on my breaks or when i have a moment to myself to sit and hide.

i'll tell you right now, i get SOOO many ideas and have at least 10+ wips, including f./n/a,f, luke and rowan, and ffxiv characters.

when i write, i'm mostly writing from my heart. exactly what i'd expect to think, feel, and hear. i put myself into the perspective/mind of the characters i'm writing and can get deep into these fics as i write them. i get so interpersonally connected to my writing as i'm writing that i physically feel my character's emotions, and see them in my head exactly how they play out.

honestly, i'm not too sure about tips on how to get out of making yourself write when you don't feel like it. i've gotten frustrated with myself for staring at my documents for too long and not being able to write anything. i imagine the scenario in perfect detail, and then i'll sit down, stare at my work, and i'm like ....???????????????????

i'm actually trying to open up to my therapist about getting medicated so i can have an easier time writing/creating for you guys! hopefully soon.

i hope this kind of gives you some insight to my process, please go forth and create and never be afraid to share. <333

this ask means a lot to me!

[translesbianvampire]

gay bitch fangirls over always sunny

i've just realized that tumblr is the perfect place for a queer bitch to nerd out about her favorite show. i finished it a month ago and...oof, i love this thing. i find it weirdly beautiful in a way. i enjoy seeing the most dysfunctional people put to air's misadventures, and i am definitely one of the disturbed people this show comforts lmao.

despite functionally/nominally about being horrible people doing horrible things, the gang somehow never quite lose every scrap of humanity they have; i guess by virtue of being white trash instead of upper-class. there are times when the gang are appalled at the atrocities someone ELSE comments, and sometimes when even they feel maybe they're going too far. (they usually don't things like "no" stop em tho...)

i also love the way it weaponizes every facet of being a sitcom, and uses them to comment on what happens within the show: +you can just pop in at any time during the show's run and not be too lost, not extremely reliant on past events & arcs

-the gang experiencing extremely traumatic events is not an "arc" or something that is ever dealt with/brought up again, considering their ol' reliable is drinking it down & not talking about it

-as sitcoms go on, they typically become sadder, as it just gets depressing that this group of people literally has nothing else to do with their lives.

+depressing is the point.

-as sitcoms go on, characters typically undergo "flanderization", where previously minor aspects of their character become their entire personality within the show. typically is extremely annoying

+the gang functions as a vicious echo chamber that they are trapped within, as no one in the outside world can stand being with them. also, they are CHRONIC abusers of alcohol & a million other substances like glue. it makes sense that charlie only becomes more illiterate, considering his habits (which include eating cat food & huffing glue) never really change

-to keep sitcoms running, the characters remain perfectly static throughout, and it is only really the situations & people around them that change

+the core of what makes the characters who they are doesn't change much over 15 seasons, but they DO grow with the times; just very, VERY slowly. i think they've handled this adeptly; in season 10, they eased off dennis' creep-oness in the second episode by having him be on the RECEIVING end of his weird rating system, in one of the most hilarious & quotable moments of a show that is already hilarious & quotable throughout. I'M A FIVE STAR MAN!!!!

there's prolly even more i can't think of. but it is such BRUTAL satire of...basically anything i CAN think of. it's this satire that gives depth to, what on the surface, might appear as a banal show that only exists to be offensive. the writers actually do NOT write to offend anybody (except maybe rly stuffy stuck-up ppl lmao)! it started as basically just wanting to write a sitcom that's "real", about a group of friends that are NEVER there for each other (tho they ARE there for each other, sometimes!). and this ended up being the perfect vehicle to satirize a LOT of facets about american life.

i also LOVE the way sunny handles queerness! it is not something that inherently makes you a better NOR a worse person, but it's also smth that always deserves respect, no matter who the queer person is. this is where its sitcom format works beautifully yet again; after mac's genuinely moving coming out moment as the s13 finale, s14 starts off...the way any other season starts off, and i LOVE that.

(sidenote: i don't think mac's brief coming out then re-entering the closet in s11 is an issue! that's real life. a friend of mine realized she was prolly trans, then decided she wasn't, and recently re-realized that she is lol. THAT'S LIFE!!!! tho, it would've been an issue if mac NEVER came out i think, but they had him come out in s12, and come out beautifully to his dad in s13)

i think always sunny succeeds at having...let's say, "very morally complicated" characters, while not accidentally glorifying them as much as the sopranos or breaking bad (tho i still love those shows hehe), while still having them be human. i think it is a beautifully human show. the show does not lie in the SLIGHTEST about who these people are, yet i am still excited to see another season with this gang i somehow do still root for. it shows us EVERYTHING about who these people are with less shame than we think about ourselves. we share in their every high, every low [of which there are many], and everything in between. and that's what bein' human is all about.

[silvermoon424]

hi katy :)) i’m sure you’ve answered this before, and if you have, you can totally just ignore this ask, but recently i’ve been wondering if i have adhd. i’m a 20 year old woman, and i’ve been diagnosed with anxiety for basically my whole adolescence. in the past few weeks though i’ve learned a lot more about adhd/neurodivergence and i feel like it’s much more accurate to my experience. my only real exposure to adhd is my little brother, who has been diagnosed since he was 12 and behaves VERY differently than i do. if you could possibly detail your experience with adhd as a woman that would really help me out a lot in deciding if i want to pursue a new diagnosis. thanks in advance!!

Hi there!

ADHD/autism/neurodiversity in general can be experienced a lot of different ways by people; it's a very broad spectrum, but there are definitely traits that pop up again and again for a lot of people. Here are some traits I have personally identified as being influenced/driven by my ADHD (or autism, sometimes it's hard to distinguish the two)

Very poor impulse control, especially with money and food

Having poor memory in some areas but excellent memory in others (usually due to how strongly the topic interests me)

Having trouble remembering things (as in appointments, important dates, etc)

Having a very hard time focusing or maintaining focus

Easily distracted

Fidgets often (my fidgets are picking through my split ends and jiggling my ankle)

Needing to take frequent breaks when working/doing chores/etc due to burnout

Needing CONSTANT stimulation; for example, much of my free time is spent listening to Youtube video essays while I color manga, typeset, scan things, etc. Sometimes I do just watch things (especially late at night when I'm tired), but I don't think I could ever do a menial task without having some other stimulation for my brain

Talking to myself

Info-dumping

Being amazing at multi-tasking (but struggling with single-tasking because of the whole "need more stimulation" thing)

Hyper-fixating on things to the point of not realizing I'm thirsty, have a crick in neck, etc

I daydream frequently and have an entire daydream universe (called a paracosm) full of my own OCs and storylines. I'm what's called an immersive daydreamer. Immersive daydreaming/maladaptive daydreaming is its own thing, but from what I've heard people who do it are often also neurodivergent. If you daydream a lot about a fictional universe(s) of your own creation, I would highly recommend looking into this topic.

My brain literally never shuts the fuck up. Ever. I'm constantly thinking about SOMETHING. Even when I'm trying to fall asleep I'm playing with my OCs and paracosm, lol (one of my favorite parts of the day tbh). Because of this I've suffered from insomnia for much of my life. I've been on a sedative that also functions as an antidepressant for many years and it's helped a lot.

I literally just learned that this has a name: Rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD). People with ADHD are often highly sensitive to criticism and rejection (real or imagined). For my entire life I have been extremely sensitive to being criticized, and all this time it has been a side-effect of my ADHD!

When given a task, I need to be told exactly what to do and how to do it or else it's not getting done. In general I have a hard time "thinking outside the box" and can be pretty oblivious.

Executive dysfunction is a bitch. This also overlaps with depression and autism, but basically I have a literal mountain of projects and hobbies I want do and another literal mountain of shows/anime/movies I want to watch but I can't get past the mental hurdle of actually engaging with them. It's very hard to explain, but it's like even though I want to do them I either don't have the energy, get overwhelmed by the enormity of the task, start doing it and then lose focus/motivation partway through, etc.

That's all I could think of off the top of my head but I'm sure there's more. I feel like every week I discover there's a new way ADHD is impacting my life. Please let me know if you have any other questions!

[kexing]

Hi, MJ, just saw your notes about being neurodivergent and mental health and trying, and i just wanted to add to that. I’m not autistic but I’ve been dealing with depression and anxiety since i was a teen and only just recently found out, in my early 40s, that what i thought my whole adult life was just me being LAZY and UNMOTIVATED and GENERALLY BAD AT ADULTING is probably me having executive dysfunction. I mean, i’m still a procrastinator at heart, but when i can’t bring myself to do THE THING even though i know i HAVE TO DO THE THING and every moment i spend NOT DOING THE THING fills me with anxiety? That’s my brain fucking me over.

I’m a public servant and my department has been very big on mental health since COVID and mandatory telework. But the message is always the same : you gotta eat well, sleep well and exercise. Like it’s that easy, like self-care doesn’t take a huge amount of effort when your brain doesn’t want to cooperate. Doing anything is hard for me because i have zero motivation and i can’t relate at all to things like Being Disciplined and Feeling Accomplished. Even things i enjoy! I’m behind on series i want to watch because i just can’t bring myself to press play and sit there and watch. So i rewatch the same series over and over again.

So my self-care is doing my best and trying not to compare myself to others. I get my work done on time (even if sometimes i have to get up earlier because i wasn’t productive the day before), i shower at least twice a week, i eat a vegetable a day. I pay my bills and my taxes. I vote. I’m not a danger to myself and/or to others. I’m alive. I’m alive. So if it takes me a week to unload the dishwasher and to load it up again with the week’s worth of dirty dishes, if i never fold my laundry, if i buy soup instead of cooking for myself, who the fuck cares?

Neurotypicals don’t get it, they don’t understand why we can’t just DO THE THING (like my dad, who loves me very much, but does not understand why i can’t just ‘cheer myself up’ when i ‘feel sad’). They don’t understand that in order to implement the tools (clean eating! sleep! exercise!) that might help us cope we need to have the motivation and the energy and the resources (therapy is fucking expensive!) to even try to make the effort. ‘It’s not that hard’ YES IT FUCKING IS.

So i just wanted to say, i see you, i understand your struggles, they are valid and so are you. I hope the people around you appreciate you and your efforts. I hope YOU appreciate you. Because you rock. Sending you lots of love. 💖

hello friend!!! i feel you. i suffer of severe executive dysfunction and honestly it just keeps getting worse which consequently makes me even more anxious 😩😩

exactly!!! eating well, sleeping well and exercising can definitely help you improve but when your brain simply refuses to do those tasks, it’s hell. and honestly, people who don’t live in a constant fight against their own brains have NO idea how it is. only the ones who know the struggle know what it takes to do the most basic things.

beloved :( i understand your struggles. i know i’m just a stranger running a silly little blog on tumblr dot com but i really do understand. i can motivate myself with fiction sometimes but real life? it’s just not for me and some days i feel so lost and yet so overwhelmed by how lost i feel, that it sends me into deep depressive episodes. i mean, i’m not clinically diagnosed with depression and anxiety but fuck if i haven’t struggled with those bitches my entire life.

(i have been thinking of getting a diagnosis and i thought about asking my dad for some financial help and you know what my mom said to me, “don’t even bother, he thinks you’re faking it”. i mean, not surprised at all but still a little disappointed.)

and you’re doing great!!! read this very carefully: YOU ARE DOING FUCKING AWESOME!!! you’re taking care of yourself and doing things at your own pace and you’re alive and not harming others. that’s just so so so much!!! and i’m proud of you for moving forward despite all the hardships!!!!

oh parents. they might love us but they rarely understand us. and that’s okay i guess. but don’t let that get to you. only YOU know what your brain can and can’t do. it is also NOT your fault that you have limitations, okay?? everyone does!!! we just happen to have more. but you’re not unlovable or a terrible person!!

you’re soooo right!! therapy and diagnoses are ridiculously expensive. at the end of the day, we’re usually alone carrying this massive invisible weight. and nobody can see how hard we try and how much it takes from us!!! sometimes being alive hurts and staying alive is the best we can do but we are still here!! despite everything that nobody gives us credit for. we are still here!!! i still need to work on my self love and acceptance but i don’t take it lightly how much i try to do things and i do appreciate the fact that i’m alive.

thank you SO much for reading my tags, for reaching out and sharing your experiences with me. you are incredible and i wholeheartedly mean this!

i tend to feel very lonely because most people around me don’t really understand me. it’s such an alienating feeling, sometimes it’s like i’m drowning in it. but i also know i’m not the only one who feels like this and your message does comfort me in that way.

so thank you SOOOOO much!!!! sending you lots and lots and lots of love right back!!!! and that you’re able to feel it across the distance between us and have a great week!!!!! ❤️💙

[victorianvivisection]

Hey. I know that depression is a bitch and its voice is unbearably loud. I can't imagine what must have caused it to be so strong, although I relate to the feeling of worthlessness. I just wanted to tell you that, even though we don't speak very often, I consider you a friend. You *are* funny and I smile when I see you on my dash or in the tags. I also appreciate that you go out of your way to comment on my fics, the tags you left on my last one made me so very happy because you understood exactly what I was going for :) and yeah I'm also glad that we can talk about badwrong things without one judging the other! Speaking only for myself, it helps a lot with my insecurity.

All of this to say that I do care about you. I'm hugging you from a distance <3 please take care, okay? I hope this wave of self-loathing passes soon.

Hey hello I took a little sleep and uhhh idk I’m at least calm now… I can’t say I’m doing alright. I had a really bad breakdown in regard to my art in early to mid October and I’m just now getting back to where I was. And then recently I had my entire perspective of life and death changed and like it was a good change but that’s still… A lot to deal with.

Unfortunately my lack of motivation or whatever I’m experiencing has been an ongoing issue for a very very long time and I’m not sure what to do about it or what’s causing it… I think a lot of issues piling on top of each other. Depression, anxiety, executive dysfunction, perfectionist mindset… Apparently anemia can be contributing to this too??? Yeahhh btw I have chronic anemia <3 Plus some other issues that I’m not comfortable throwing out onto a public tumblr post

This was nice to wake up to though, I definitely needed the encouragement and just… Appreciation for the fact that I exist lmaooo…

Your work has done a lot for me tbh, with accepting that oh hey I was groomed and it really was that bad! Thanks Hector [Half sarcastic???] and accepting that these are things I enjoy for many different reason and I shouldn’t be ashamed of fiction.

Anyway yayyy hugs and friendship!!! I struggle to talk to people, especially people I don’t talk to regularly I feel like I need a good reason to message them specifically T~T but I’m very much open to talk whenever you’d like :3

Woof this is getting rambly be glad I’m starting to lose what I wanted to say because I probably would have written a novel by now

[viobliterator]

so i suppose this is the start of a new blogging series. check tags for triggers/squicks or whatever they're called

to keep things brief, ever since my mom finished her chemo/radiation years ago, she's been in a cognitive decline. i initially thought it was just chemo brain plus her being older, but my family and i noticed change in her. it feels like she's turning into me, and i'm turning into her, if that makes sense. i'm wondering who the mom is and who the daughter is.

she and my dad have been to the memory clinic a few times. i've chatted with my dad about what i notice in my mom, since i spend more time with her during the week. my dad and i recently had a conversation about the memory clinic's assessment, and it's apparent that she's definitely under the dementia umbrella but we still have yet to find out exactly what kind, since it's all kinds of different diseases with different progressions and prognoses

now to get to the emotion-side of this, because that's the purpose of this blog series. i try to be patient with my mom, i really do. but i'm so dang frustrated about the wholel thing. i know the boss ass bitch that is my mom is still in there but there's her shitty brain in the way and i just want to shake it out of her and tell her to snap out of it.

for example, she's always misplacing things and i end up having to help her find them. if i dare suggest her putting things in the same place or giving her advice that works for me, since i'm ADHD and autistic and understand the whole executive dysfunction thing, then i get hit with a response that sounds like it came straight out of a teenager's mouth. i dare to suggest she get a dang hobby, something mentally stimulating, same thing. she's frustrated with herself, i get it. she's also frustrated that she's losing independence. i sympathize.

but where's the part of her that's disciplined?

where is my mom?

i'm also mad that i have to deal with this before my 30th birthday. most people who deal with this kind of thing don't have to even think about it till their 40s or even 50s. but here i am. my sister is only in her early 40s. i still have no idea what i'm doing 90% of the time but here i am having to think about what we're going to do with my mom. i bet things will only progress from here too, and i don't like thinking about it. it feels fake but i also thought i'd had way more time than this.

part of me wishes she hadn't had me as late as she did, so i'd at least have a bit more wisdom under my belt by the time this happened.

i try to stay patient with her and not express my frustrations directly to her. i don't want her to feel like she's a burden, even though she kinda is. even thinking things like that makes me feel like a bad person, and a bad daughter. i want to tell her to figure things out. i want to tell her to pay attention. i want to tell her to snap out of this funk. i want to leave the house just to get away from the bullshit. i want to look up assisted living just so i don't have to deal with this.

idk if that makes me a bad daughter. my dad tells me he doesn't want me to feel obligated to take care of her as this goes on, but i'm her daughter. my sister took care of her when she had cancer, so it's only fair that i take care of her during this period??

and what kind of daughter doesn't take care of her aging mother

but yeah i hate this crap. i just want my mom back. even the annoying parts.

[teenage-mutant-ninja-freak]

Blood of the covenant

Someone requested a mob boss! Raph  reader after my Leo one so this is for them

Mob boss Raphael x fem!reader

Warnings: drugs and substances mention and usage, cheating, rough sex NSFW, violence, murder mention, angst like a lot of angst.

Summery: You and Raph have been together for a while and one night he comes home and something is different. He’s always done bad things being one of the heads of a crime family but this time he did something bad….To you. It’s time to get your own back on him and his reaction will not be pretty but you’re just as dysfunctional as him so bring it on.

((A/N Be gently with me, I don’t really know much about crime families I just like the idea of them. I’m really just some dyslexic dummy with a dream to write some Raph smut))

“Hmm” you hum to yourself as Lestat jumps down out of nowhere into Daniel’s car, looking dishevelled as all hell and bites him on the neck. You mouth his next words to yourself “Louis, Louis, Louis. Always whining, Louis”. Interview with a vampire was one of your guilty pleasures and one that Raph would never indulge to watch with you. It didn’t matter, you were happy to sit alone in candlelight in the living room of your boyfriend and his brother’s shared mansion and watch your vampire movies alone. 

Speaking of Raph you thought to yourself. It was 01:34 in the morning and he still wasn’t home, none of them were. It worried you sometimes, they had dangerous lives and gods know he would never let you go out by yourself, especially after dark, in fear of what rival gangs could do to you and it wouldn’t be the first time the boys had lost someone they loved to their “business”, as they called it. In a few days it would be the 5 year anniversary of Splinter’s death. You had known Raph back then, you weren’t an item at the time (that would come 2 years later), but you saw the affect the death of his father had on him, on all of them, and knew he had a lot more to get over than he was letting on.

You sighed and switched off the TV. Wrapping yourself closer in your silk nightgown you make your way out of the living room and into the large foyer that held the entrance to this vast house. Standing there, taking off his shoes, was Leonardo.

“Good night?” you ask

“Same as always” he replies not even turning to look at you

“Where’s Raph?” he normally came to look for you after he’s been out for a while. Always wanting to make sure you were still home and safe, why was tonight different?

“Umm, upstairs is my best guess” Leo gestures to the massive staircase to his side.

You begin your ascent in search of your boyfriend who had a much explaining to do. 

When you get to your room Raph seems to be in a hurry, jerking off his shoes and tossing them in the corner and roughly pulling his expertly tailored shirt over his head. The light from the doorway illuminated his amber eyes in a way that made them look like warm whisky and the shadows only added definition to his defined, toned chest. He looked like perfection. You walk through the door and into the huge bedroom you share. Raph stands in front of the bed still trying to undress when you enter. You’re vanity table is to the wall opposite you in the right hand corner, next to the bed, and your perfumes and makeup brush holders are making a rattling sound as they shake from the weight of Raph stumbling around trying to pull off his undershirt.

“Hey, baby. Good night?” you ask as you turn on the light to your bedroom

He looks shocked to see you but relaxes as you approach him to wrap your arms around his neck and kiss him gently.

“Nothing out of the ordinary. I just need to shower” he looks over to your en-suite bathroom, still not making eye contact with you.

“Well, how about I let you relax a little before then” your hands trail down his body to his pants and you begin to undo his belt. He interrupts you and begins to turn for the bathroom.

“Really, baby, it’s ok. Not tonight” he out right rejects you. 

It’s not like Raph to turn down sex at any time. The man was a beast, taking it any time and any place he could but, you were persuasive and didn’t feel like taking no for an answer. Grabbing his arm you pull him back to you and place your hands on his shoulders to gently push him to sit on your shared bed.

“Let me do this for you” you insist.

He protests some more but you’re already on your knees with your hands around his cock and you’re about to work your magic when you catch scent of it.

“Raph” you sound his name out slowly, as if the longer it takes you to finish your sentence, the less true the statement will be but, of course that’s not how it works. “Why does your cock smell like another woman’s pussy?”

You look up at him, guilt flooding his eyes and he’s speechless.

You almost don’t want to believe it yourself but it’s undeniable at this point. Raphael, the man who swore to love you for as long as he lived, to never hurt you, who you wanted to marry one day had just fucking cheated on you.

You see red and before you can understand what you’re doing you’re back on your feet with your hand out ready to slap him.

“What the fuck did you do?” you scream at him. You know for sure his brothers can hear you from their respective rooms and you don’t care, this is one fight he’s not going to win by getting you to quiet down.

“It meant nothing, it was just some girl, it was nothing really it just kind of happened, We had to kill her afterwards anyway” he spluttered out while tucking himself back into his trousers.

You begin to pace up and down your large bedroom, hands massaging your temple as you try to think, but, all you can picture is him with another woman. Was she prettier than you? Skinnier? Why was she the one he chose over you in a moment of weakness?

“It’s a good thing she’s already dead or I’d have to kill her myself!” you bellow at him “What the fuck do you mean ‘it just happened’, you had to get your cock out, get her pussy out, get hard and then actually fuck the bitch. That doesn’t ‘just happen’ it’s a whole ass process!” your throat is becoming tight from how hard you’re yelling at him but you don’t care. Raph remains silent assuming it’s better to say nothing that to say the wrong thing to you right now. You simply turn on your heals and storm out. Fuck him you thought as you slammed the door behind you.

You almost trip down the stairs you’re walking with such anger but manage to catch the banister in time. You stop for a moment and try to steady yourself both physically and emotionally. You wanted to get him back, for him to see how badly this hurt you. You look down the stairs and notice a light on in the living room when you thought you’d blown all the candles out. You go to investigate. Sitting in the dark, faintly illuminated by his laptop screen, sat Donnie hard at work. Donnie controlled everything digitally, from finances to client lists he kept everything encrypted on that laptop.

You enter the room loudly enough to make your presence known but as to not disturb him. You pull up a seat next to him and he doesn’t turn to look at you, he just continues typing away and smoking a joint.

“You know if you keep staring at that screen your eyes will go square” you joke

“Old wives tale” he replies bluntly.

This is difficult as you’re still shaking with anger, but Donnie is the only one around and he does look awfully handsome in his waistcoat and suit with a little purple handkerchief in the breast pocket. 

You place one foot up on his thigh and readjust your silk robe to show the lacy negligee you wore underneath. It did a lot of favours for your breasts and Donnie knew this from the few times he had wondered into your room in search of Raph and seen you lounging around wearing it. He turns to look at you.

“What’s your game plan here, y/n?”

“No game, no plan. I just thought you and I haven’t spent that much time together recently” 

If there was one thing Donnie hated more than anything, it was a liar but, he knew what you were doing and, although he never wanted to admit it to himself, he liked it. He reached out and grabbed you by the throat, knocking your foot off his leg and to the ground. You gasp in shock but still have the upper hand here, even if it doesn’t appear so. Slowly, you get up and approach him, lifting a leg over his to sit down and straddle his lap. His hand doesn’t move from your neck the entire time. You look lovingly into his eyes and caress his cheek with the back of your hand as you remove the joint from his mouth and take a hit. You blow a couple of smoke rings before just breathing the rest out as normal. The room fills with a thick mist form the hit you just took and you notice how the black rings in his golden eyes look like the rings around planets. They’re beautiful.

“Always so quick to violence” your words are slightly strained from the pressure he’s causing around your vocal chords “why don’t you put your hands to better use somewhere else?” you take his other hand in your and run it down the centre of your body, lifting up the end of your nightgown so that it sits on the rim of your panties. Donnie’s breath quickens, he loves the idea of taking you but you’re forbidden fruit to him. That analogy only makes you seem tastier.

“And what about Raph?”

Fuck Raph you thought

“You’re brothers, you share everything. Don’t you?” you say with the sweetest smile you can muster. 

His grip on your throat lessens and you lean down to kiss him, gently at first but his hand tangles in your hair, pressing you closer to him. He needs this and he needs it now. Still straddling his lap, he picks you up and you wrap your legs around his hips. He’s already rocking a semi erection, you can feel it straining against his pants and love that he’s given into you this quickly. You had always noticed him around the house giving you those lingering looks, undressing you with his eyes whenever you wore anything short. This was a perfect opportunity for you.

He carefully places you down on the sofa, his own body covering you but shifting his weight to his arms which are behind your head as to not crush you. He’s still between your legs and you can feel him against your thigh growing harder by the minute. His tongue darts into your mouth as the kiss becomes more passionate and he’s about you help you out of your negligee when you both hear a heavy figure enter the room.

Raphael says nothing as he stands in the doorway but the look on his face tells you everything you need to know. Donnie quickly gets up from on top of you and, side stepping Raph, goes back to his place at his laptop.

You’re about to open your mouth and say something but, before you have time Raph closes the distance between you both and grabs you by the hair, pulling you to your feet. He drags you out of the room, turning back quickly to look at Donnie who had engulfed himself in his work once more.

Your feet barely hit the ground as he takes you up the stairs and, once inside your bedroom, throws you to the floor.

“What the fuck do you think you’re playing at, y/n?” the rage in his voice is like something you’ve never heard before and his face is going a deeper shade of green.

“What? So you can fuck other bitches but the second I try it’s not allowed? What’s that called again? Oh yeah, being a massive fucking hypocrite!” you scream back just as hard.

He takes a step back and pinches the bridge of his nose between two fingers.

“Not with my fucking brother”

“Then why aren’t you angry at Donnie? I was just following your lead and having meaningless sex with whoever I wanted without any concern for my partner, Donnie’s your goddamn brother!”

“I told you she meant nothing, not a thing! And blood is so much fucking thicker than water, that’s why I’m not as angry at him”

You stare up at him from the floor, he’s standing with his feet shoulder width apart and his hands are balled up into fists, you think he might hit you but you’re not too sure. You know if you keep pushing this is going to go somewhere bad. What the fuck am I saying? you think he fucked another woman, he can go to hell.

“So that’s what our relationship is then? Water? Clearly I picked the wrong brother, you know, Donnie feels bigger than you anyway”

This is when Raph truly erupted, he could take sassy, hurt fuelled comments but a jab to his manhood and pride was too far. He clears the small distance between you and throws a hard punch across your jaw before picking you up by your neck, which causes you to wheeze, and throws you face down on the bed.

“That’s it” he grunts as he lifts up the end of your dress and rips the panties you were wearing off. Luckily the joint you took form Donnie made you a little spaced out so the hit didn’t hurt as much as it should of, it still bloody hurt though. You were sure to have a giant bruise in the morning that Raph would be sorry for.

Raph climbs on the bed behind you and lifts your hips up so that they’re in the air but your face is still down on the mattress and you hear him unzip his pants. You hate that you want this. He positions himself at the entrance to your ass hole and goes inside without warning or lubrication, you cry out in a mixture of pain and pleasure. It’s disgusting that you still need him inside you after everything he’s done to you, but it’s him and he feels so familiar that you can’t say no to him, you don’t want to say no. In a weird way, you both need each other as badly and you probably need to stay away from each other.

For a moment, with your face touching the soft sheets of the bed you shared, you let yourself forget the events of earlier and simply give in to the rhythm at which he’s pounding into you. He always uses such force and tonight is no different, his hands creating small divots in the skin on your hips from how tightly he’s holding them but, that’s when you remember; he’s still got the remnants of her on his cock. 

You push yourself up, seething once again, you turn around and sock him in the eye as hard as you can. He backs off, almost falling off the bed. You’re a little proud of yourself for how badly you managed to hurt him. He clutches his eye with his hand and his expression turns dark.

“Not a good idea, little girl”

You can’t hold it back anymore, tears spring hot and fast to your eyes, overflowing and then run down your cheeks.

“Just tell me why you did it?” you plead.

He heads towards you once more, pushing you back on the bed and climbing on top of you. He holds your arms above your head by your wrists and he only needs one hand to do this. Suddenly he’s inside you again and between thrusts he begins to explain.

“Because she was there” he pushes deeper inside of you

“Because it was her dying wish” you begin to moan as his pace quickens

“And because I could” more tears spring from your eyes but you’re getting close to your climax, you try and free one of your hands to play with yourself but his grip is unyielding. You want him so badly it almost hurts. That’s when you feel the tightness in your stomach begin to release as you cum hard and fast around his cock. Two more thrusts and he finds his own release deep inside of you, his cum lining your walls.

There’s a brief moment of silence as you both simply bask in the afterglow of what just happened. This moment is short lived.

“Because you could?” you repeat after him. He did it because the opportunity arose and he didn’t think about you for a second. How could he?

He looks down at you, shame evident in his eyes but he’s too proud to admit he didn’t mean what he said, you don’t know this, though. All you know is that you’re still so angry you could kill him. He pulls out leaving you feeling empty and slightly used, not the first time he’s left you feeling that way.

Raph walks across the room towards the door, looking back at you only once.

“That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”

“How are we going to get through this?” you wipe a tear from your eye.

“I don’t know that we are” he states bluntly before walking out.

You turn over and shove your face into the pillow, sobbing, you begin to scream as hard as you can. Screaming simply turns into hoarse crying and then sleep finally takes you.

You drift off thinking: Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow has to be better. Anything is better than this…

[cloveroctobers]

•ALLEGRA BIANCHI•

IG info/bio: @/theeallegrabianchi | 303k followers| Entrepreneur | bad bitches go to therapy thxz 🦭👄

(24) 26 years old

From Swansea, Wales

Ofc she knows who Catherine Zeta-Jones is...her mother literally resembles her and remembers people coming up to her mom countless times asking for a pic growing up, and Allegra hated taking pics for these imbeciles...mainly because the attention wasn’t on her

has a dysfunctional family...

her mother is critical of almost everything she does but at least she paying attention?

and feels her father is neglectful and only seems to be heard when she’s in his face

all they know how to do is scream at each other instead of talking calmly to one another

her mother is of Venezuelan heritage

And Her father is of Italian heritage

her father’s side of the family resides in calabria italy

he named her after his high school gf that passed away due to his irresponsible drunk driving on their senior prom night

Her parents do not have the healthiest of relationships due to her father constantly cheating on her mother in the past...leading to verbal and physical fights

also has a kid or two outside of their marriage because of his unfaithfulness and allegra learned to hate them because of the hurt her mother showcased

In the beginning she was only around them because her father enforced it, that she needed to know her family “blood is all you got in the end.” He would always say but that was bs

Would take her, her half sibs, and her full sibs on day trips/weekend trips in his suburban

Has three full older brothers and one full younger sister

Because of this, Allegra did not have a clear view of what love was supposed to be and felt that anger in a relationship is supposed to be somewhat of the norm?

Many times she wished at night in her bed with a pillow over her head that her parents would just file for a divorce already when their fights would get bad to the point things would get broken and her mother would h*t her father (once with a metal bat) and throw him out of the house

Has had the cops called on their household before and cps definitely has/had a file on them

Has been in family therapy before and is currently in therapy mainly for herself because of the trauma & how it’s messed with her spirit as a person

Loves? Cares for her parents from afar but will never understand their relationship and why they’re still together to this day

Can go months without speaking to any of her family members and be completely fine with that

Had her younger sis, Nerina put her PRIVATE shit on blast via internet after love island aired and completely cut her off since she is “a clout chaser and money hungry bitch who can’t take care of own her child cause she opened her legs to a meth head who loves prison” OOP

she only has a decent relationship with one of her brothers who’s two years older than her, Vito. They seem to be the closest out of the sibs and he’s the only one she bothers to speak to from time to time

She’s a “cocktail entrepreneur” so I’m guessing she has her own business where she specializes in her own cocktail drinks? Working in some upscale rooftop/penthouse bar where she successfully makes profits from her signature drinks or has a brand that focuses mainly on cocktails

It took years for her business to take off and hasn’t been easy, not one bit. At times it felt like everyone wanted to see her fail and she has openly spoken about her struggles as not only a entrepreneur but as a woman in this business where no one wanted to take a chance on her

That just lit the fire that’s already inside of her

Aries sun + Leo moon + Scorpio rising? (Personality vs how you react to things emotionally vs you’re outside shell for those who don’t follow this too much. I’m not too in depth about it but I do find it interesting!)

Or should she be reversed as a Leo sun with a Aries moon? Aries are direct, fiery, one step ahead of others, impulsive, and know how to take charge. Leo’s are dramatic, loves attention, passionate, loyal, warm, and have a need to express their passions, and scorpios are intense, secretive, mysterious, and work strategically

anyways, I feel like she’s definitely improved as a person over the span of two years? Or at least I hope she has cause everyone goes thru changes

And she was frustrating in s1 so I just know she had some deeper issues going on so I really think therapy is helping her ass I wish it would help me lmao

Being cheated on honestly made her feel like her mother, weak in her mind she was with this dude for awhile—3 years and he just up and thought it was okay to cheat on her? With his personal trainer?! Yet he didn’t gain any muscle mass?! The ultimate disrespect!!! but one thing she knew? She wasn’t going to stick around like her mom did

But she was bitter about it foresure. She ultimately wanted to corner the girl for messing with HER man but part of her knew she wasn’t the only one to blame. However that didn’t stop her for cussing her out via voicemail a couple of times while intoxicated

Allegra always strived for love cause she’s never really seen it before or felt it

Sure she’s had many boyfriends before?And their names didn’t matter not only because she didn’t remember them? But she never felt the spark with them in the first place?

Maybe she wasn’t meant for love so she kinda put on this bitchy front and always been that way with some shitty friends she had around her until she recently cut them off a year ago

has gotten herself into trouble as a kid: trespassing, and destroying public property, smoking in the girls bathroom, physical altercations, cutting class, being assigned community service, etc... all with these friends she’s had for years!

Before she met her problematic friends in secondary, when she was in her pre-teen stage she was involved in the handbell team and in the Color guard but hates to admit it even tho her parents have pics all over the flat

went away to uni for a semester and wanted to join a sorority but the hazing was extreme to the point she was sent to the hospital then accepted? Which led to more trauma in her life so she dropped out

A few years later she decided on online courses and moved out of her parents flat as soon as she could with the $ she saved up and did not leave in the house since it was not safe to smh

Therapy was really helping sis, she felt a lot better and was working on her deep rooted issues mainly the anger and hurt and never really realized how it revolves around her life. She was super thankful for her therapist and reshaping herself

Many didn’t buy it but she knew she couldn’t give that much of a fuck? She couldn’t. In order to grow you got to learn that you have to involve for yourself and not others

She didn’t like the person she saw watching the show back but when she came back to the reunion a part of her hoped people saw some sort of change in her—even if it’s only been a few months since the show then

Sometimes she’ll slip back into old habits, wanting and doing so by snapping on people and blacking out by getting intoxicated and knowing that healing is a process and valuing yourself is the exact same

has a toy poodle that she loves deeply

doesn’t have many outside friends after cutting off the ones that were toxic

is pro-ab*rtion and had one herself which was aired out by her sister online

has a cozy flat that has a lot of brick exposure inside, a navy sofa which is her favorite piece in her house, and a view to die for!! which erases the fact that her apartment is “cozy” which she uses to replace the fact that it’s much smaller than what she originally wanted. She dreams big ya know!!!

currently has a crush on her art teacher who resembles Adam Rodriguez

but also feels like liking your teacher/instructor is a bit weird? Even tho they’re both grown

yes she is taking art classes now outside of work to find something that’ll bring her peace and these pass months they have until COVID hit where classes had to be cancelled yet she was contacted to continue online but she felt her art was truly shit but he says art is subjective

She feels like there’s a connection there? But at the same time isn’t looking for another relationship until she fully works on herself first! That took awhile for her to accept after she fell into some relations with a few ppl after the show

from there she realized that she might like girls too? And got a little annoyed that it took her this long to figure out especially with the way she felt around MC and cherry

doesn’t like to admit this but her fav holiday is Christmas? Even tho the theme is majorly corny to her but it actually makes her happy?

Feels like that was the only time her family showed love towards each other, and even tho they didn’t come from much, they always followed thru with their traditions

and she misses them a little bit around this time and might be the first one to call them even if the calls are short lived and kinda awkward at first

Loves making gingerbread houses and cookies

i feel like she now embraces her forearm hair but still gets everything else lasered

Miss Allegra has inches okay?! But I definitely feel like now in 2020 she’s chopping that shit off into a pixie cut and when she posts on the gram her hair is usually always damp when she shows it off

some comments — jake: lovely! Jen: babe, ur beautiful! Erikah: 😍 Tim: how hot! You’ve got the whole resident evil thing goin for yous

“Did he just call me a virus?”

And she might get a like from mason that’ll make her feel some type of way

We all have to go thru some growth you know so do you girl!

You can’t tell me she doesn’t play stabscotch!

Used to be obsessed with social media way before going on love island but lately doesn’t mind disappearing for months at a time? You have to cleanse yourself from that shit

idk i see her being mostly cool with jen or erikah and will hang out with them from time to time? Maybe they experienced some growth too, shit I sure hope so

still feels something for mason??? But at the same time maybe it was mainly superficial since mason wasn’t fucking with her like that, not 100% but at the same time gets frustrated that he still doesn’t see where she’s coming from and it’s been 2 years???

She loves hard if given the chance and then feels like shit when it doesn’t work out cause it feels like she wasted a fuck load of time

she no longer follows him because she feels like it’s better for her spirit or whatever and she doesn’t need to see him with someone else

the only guy that she really interacts with is Tim, yet tim is cool with everybody!

Otherwise there’s no real connection with her and anybody else? She wants to keep love island separate from herself now because she’s not exactly the same as she was two years ago? And hopes someday people will get that

Probably watches those auction shows on the telly late at night when she can’t sleep, hoping and can afford some of those things one days

I feel like she has chronic migraines too?

Once had a significant other buy her Allegra-D in all seriousness for her birthday because it reminded them of her & thought it would help her headaches 🤨

Loves the snow, but hates cleaning it off her car! S/O to those HOA fees, bless it cause leggy’s deff bussed her ass once before breaking her collarbone and sued like a mf!!!

Since her hours are hardly consistent since she’s mainly her own boss, she’ll have late nights/early mornings when she returns home and has to shift days where she cleans the flat but when she cleans??? It’s best everyone stays tf out of her way

And don’t try to help her cause you’re doing it wrong 10/10 of the time, she loves cleaning and has dropped mad money on those super expensive vacuums

Only knows how to make what’s relative to her culture: arepas, penne alla vodka, and cawl but otherwise than that? She’d rather clean then spend hours in a kitchen cooking unless she’s making cocktails ofc!

also loves shopping for clothes but shoes are her fav things to shop for

Deff has a steamer over a iron for her clothes

Keeps eucalyptus and lavender oil in her purse at all times

posts mainly on her stories and made a deal with her supporters that she’ll go live once a month since she feels like she owes them that? Since she’s not as active anymore but she really doesn’t owe anybody shit but out of the newfound kindness of her heart...she does

Believes she got Covid before they all decided to do a shut down/lockdown of restaurants, bars, etc.. and her suspicions were proven correct after she decided to get tested

her anthem? Kali Uchis — Dead to me (acoustic version)

[clocks-are-round]

🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc). 🌝 Who is one character you haven’t yet written for that you would like to? 🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

\o/

ffhddfs so many

ok, will tackle these one by one, here goes

🏅 What is something you recently felt proud of in regard to your writing (finished a fic, actually planned for once, etc).

I was very proud of the reception to my fic Gone.

It hit me hard, but it seemed to hit you all harder! It was reblogged with many crying emojis 😌

When you write a really hard hitting fic, at least in my experience, it’s still draining but it doesn’t hurt as much as reading one. For one thing, you’re reading it over and over which desensitizes you. For another, they’re your own words so there’s a level of separation rather than emotional intimacy, ironically.

So, that being said, I don’t know if an angst fic is effective until people tell me. Even if I find it stressful and draining (looking at you anxiety.exe), I don’t know if that reaction will be universal!

So getting such positive feedback (crying is good, right? lol) and praise on Gone really makes me happy! Hopefully it hasn’t all… Gone to my head *badumm tss*

🌝 Who is one character you haven’t yet written for that you would like to?

Hmmm… POV-wise I haven’t written most characters. Carolina could be interesting.

The idea of writing from the perspective of anyone but Grif, Simmons, Tucker, or Caboose is intimidating, but then again I thought that about Tucker until recently.

You just gotta dig a little deeper~

The first couple fics with a character often feel a little awkward and clunky but I know the only way to hit my stride with a character is practice.

Still mostly (side-eyes Imogen Simmons POV) focusing on those four in my current WIPs POV-wise, but I’ll branch out.

🍰 Name one of your fave comfort fics (doesn’t have to be your all time fave).

I’ll do my fave of mine to reread and my fave of another’s.

Weirdly enough, I really liked rereading Dysfunctional. Before Gone, it was not only my longest (second-longest? idk) fic but imo my best written. I think it was also the first I crafted OCs for (Simmons’ parents). I reread all of my fics because I enjoy it (why else?) but that one holds a special place in my heart. Sarge’s lines getting positive responses despite my previous lack of confidence in writing Sarge-y dialogue, the pain successfully reaching the readers, Imogen’s characterization as an emotionally manipulative bitch motivated by nostalgia and an ego accustomed to “fixing” things by molding everything and everyone in her life to the way she likes them. And anger. She was extremely bitter in that fic. Everything about it, really.

As for fics by others, unfortunately I write more than I read. I’ve gotten myself to read more lately because of Kaleidoscope, a fic on ao3 by Keetahspacecat, so hopefully I’ll be finally getting around to my long list of fic authors soon.

For now, I haven’t really reread many fics, but I think about a few of them often. Most because they are pain, though. Hmm… Comfort…

Well, looking at my ao3 bookmarks I’ll have to recommend The Better Stuff by wordsy

“So so good definitely worth rereading some time. Wash being so vulnerable, Tucker being so caring and also delighting in making Wash laugh, Grif and Simmons lending a hand aaaaahhhhhh it's so good and sweet and warm and aaahhh”

-Direct quote, me, 19 Aug 2021

[amelialincoln]

Hold On I Still Love You

They were over. Amelia was still trying to wrap her head around it. Quarantine had hit their relationship like a ton of bricks. Not only were they both working crazy hours, but the lack of physical connection between them both was causing them to get into petty fights when they were really just starved of each other's company.

 They’d been so close to moving in together right before the virus had hit but lockdown had other plans. Link had been handling it the best he could but Amelia was going crazy, throwing out ultimatums and bringing up past, unresolved arguments. Her subconscious was testing him to see how much he would go through to stay with her. The realization of that made her sick to her stomach. It had pushed him over the edge. It wasn’t completely unreasonable though. She’d felt him slipping away, which made her want to press further. It was hard feeling so completely in love with someone and not seeing it in return. She was confused how easy it seemed for him not to be spending time together. It was tearing her apart. And then he ended it. Texted her after a night full of fighting to meet her at a park. The thought definitely crossed her mind but she didn’t think there was anything they couldn’t overcome. The second he sat down on that bench and told her it was over she burst into tears. She was embarrassed by how the next hour on that bench went and how painful that drive back to Meredith’s was. Ever since she felt sick to her stomach, knowing that she’d pushed him away, knowing that it was all her fault.

“You need to eat.” Amelia glanced up at Meredith, who had pushed a plate of eggs in her direction,  and wrinkled her nose.

“I’m not hungry.” She wasn’t lying. She physically couldn’t bring herself to eat. Her and Link had been such foodies together. She’d gained weight while they were together. It seemed stupid now.

“Amelia you look thin,” Maggie sipped her coffee from the dining room table while wiping Ellis’ animal cracker crusted lips.

“I’m fine.” She shrugged. “I’ll see you guys at the hospital.”

She arrived in the attending lounge to find Jo and Link laughing over something on Jo’s phone. She didn’t bother saying anything about how they were less than 6ft away. Instead she moved to her locker, the overwhelming thought of Link being in the room was intoxicating. Suddenly the layers of COVID protective equipment covering her was unbearably claustrophobic. A wave of nausea passed over her and she placed a shaky hand on one of her locker shelves to steady her.

“Amelia?” Link’s voice caused her to heave. Amelia wasn’t sure if she was glad nothing came up, due to the lack of food in her system, or disappointed considering her nausea didn’t seem like it was going to subside until she did. She could feel him coming closer.

“Can you guys go? I need to take my mask off,” she was disappointed by how weak she sounded.

“I can stay?” Link offered.

“So you’re willing to now?” She muttered under her breath. “I’m fine,” she answered, loudly enough for him to hear. She heard the door close as Link and Jo’s conversation fizzled out of earshot. Amelia spent the next couple of minutes wondering if she should try and make it to the bathroom but wasn’t sure if she could do it without throwing up. She barely raised her head as the door opened, once again.

“Eat this.” Meredith was stuffing a pack of saltines into her hands. “You’ll feel better, I promise.” Amelia nodded, numbly. She opened the package with shaky hands and stuffed one of the crackers into her mouth. Meredith was happy to see colour return to the neurosurgeon's cheeks after a couple of minutes.

“I’m not trying to be dramatic,” Amelia tried to explain to her. “I really just don’t feel like eating.”

Meredith nodded. “When Derek died the same thing happened to me.” Her eyes softened. “I mean I

was pregnant though.” Amelia nodded, staring at the empty wrapper in her hands. “You always get nauseated?”

“I think it’s just when I get overwhelmed,” Amelia shrugged. “I just wish it wouldn’t happen at work.”

Meredith sighed. “I know you don’t want to hear this and maybe it’s just me seeing the similarities in what happened to me, but do you think you could be?”

“What do you mean?” Amelia fished through her bag.

“Do you think you could be pregnant?” Amelia stopped, the possibility of that being true made her want to retch again.

“I’m very careful.” Her hand brushed over the tampon she’d thrown in her bag a couple days ago. Her eyes glanced up at the calendar hanging on the wall and she shook her head. “I’ve just been stressed and not eating enough.”

“You’re late?” Meredith asked.

“Yeah.” Amelia leaned forward, placing her head in her hands, trying to keep herself from getting emotional. “Sorry, I’m just exhausted and upset.”

“Heartbreak hurts more than anything,” Meredith put simply. “Should we take your bloods?”

“I don’t think I can handle that,” Amelia admitted.

“Okay,” Meredith sighed. “Eat another pack of these.” She tossed Amelia more crackers. “Just try and distract yourself today and we’ll do it at the end of the day.”

Distracting herself was somewhat easy. Since the pandemic had hit Grey Sloan it was rare that one would ever catch a break. Amelia barely operated but spent most of her day in the ER, treating the same symptoms over and over again. She tried to ignore the idea that if she was pregnant, getting the virus probably wasn’t ideal. If she even ended up keeping it. At the end of the day all she wanted to do was go home but Meredith insisted on pulling her into an empty patient room and taking her bloods.

“I mean if you aren’t pregnant maybe you have something else wrong with you.”

“Another round of cancer to knock me out wouldn't be the worst thing right now,” Amelia joked in response. Meredith laughed. The three sisters had become increasingly close since they’d become the only people they were allowed to see outside of work. If anything, the pandemic was saving her and Meredith’s dysfunctional relationship. Amelia lifted her sleeve as Meredith secured a tourniquet around her upper arm and inserted the needle.

“For someone who’s had so much experience with needles you look a little pale.”

“I barely got into heroin,” Amelia protested.

“Barely,” Meredith chuckled, shaking her head. “Okay, I’ll tell the lab to rush this. Considering how light headed you’ve been today, just wait here until I’m back.”

“Sounds good,” Amelia replied. She waited awkwardly in the sterile room, glancing at her phone. Something she’d been doing often, hoping there would be a message from him. As the door opened she glanced up, expecting to find Meredith. She couldn’t help the gasp from escaping her mouth as Link stood in the doorway. He examined the pathetic excuse for his ex girlfriend. She looked pale and exhausted, better than this morning however.

“Meredith wouldn’t tell me why she was doing your bloods.”

“Why do you care?” She pushed a halfhearted strand of hair behind her ear and tried to look awake.

“Is there something wrong?” He scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably, the distance between them was awkward.

“I don’t know,” Amelia shrugged. She was trying not to cry, ignoring the alarming fact that her recent outbursts of emotion might be due to hormones and not just the breakup. She wanted him to take her into her arms and tell her that everything would be alright.

“Link,” Meredith’s voice came from the hall. Amelia met her eyes and she nodded sympathetically. Amelia’s hand flew to her mouth and she burst into tears. “Oh, Amelia.”

“What’s going on?” Amelia could sense the worry in Link’s voice and she cursed the timing of everything. “Amelia?” Meredith didn’t know what to do other than to leave the both of them alone. Amelia could barely look at the father of the baby she was now carrying, she knew he was making that concerned expression under his mask.

“I’m pregnant,” she basically spat. Not knowing whether to be mad at him for doing this to her or mad at herself for letting him. Link inhaled sharply. His eyes betrayed a look of shock.

“What? How--”

“I don’t know,” Amelia refused to look him in the eyes. “You shouldn’t have come.”

“So you could’ve not told me?” Link’s voice was full of confusion. “That’s my baby.”

“Yeah and unfortunately for you it’s inside of me.”

Link sighed, running an overwhelmed hand through his hair. “What are you going to do?” “I can’t really raise a child by myself during a global pandemic,” Amelia whispered. “I’ve kind of got a lot on my plate.” She tried to conceal the fact that she already knew what she wanted to do.

“I’ll sit with you?” He offered. “I’ll go get a test right now and I’ll be there.”

“Link, it’ll just be a pill at this stage,” Amelia muttered. “Maggie and Meredith will be there for me at home.”

“Okay…can I sit with you now?” He asked. Amelia sighed, looking up at him with confusion, wondering why she had to get an abortion in order for him to want to spend time with her. “I don’t know what to do, Mia.” She winced at the nickname.

“Sure,” she responded, wishing she knew what was going through his head. Link nodded, walking over to sit beside her. The minute he wrapped his arms around her she started to cry. The all too familiar scent of his detergent washing over her. “Amelia, I never wanted to--”

“Can you just hold me?” She asked, too tired to have a conversation with him. Link nodded, placing an accidental kiss on her forehead out of habit, trying to ignore how right it felt to have her in his arms.

my relationship fell apart in quarantine. hurt like a bitch :)

[neeterloveschenford]

Thoughts on RNM 2x06

So this week I’m going to do things a little differently. Usually I start with things I liked about the episode. But seeing as there is a big giant elephant in the room, let’s address that first. 

WHAT THE EVER LOVING FUCK WAS THAT! When I saw Tumblr exploding Monday afternoon, I just had to search until I found what everyone was upset about. I could not believe what I was seeing. At first I was shell-shocked. How could this be a thing? A threesome? Who the hell thought that was a good idea? I skimmed over the Heather article. I couldn’t believe the part about it being a “litmus test” to see who Michael would pick. Then when several people watched the episode on torrent sites and posted about it, I was just devastated. I couldn’t believe that this was real. I even talked to one of my friends last night who had recently started watching because I couldn’t shut up about my show at work. She had just finished season 1 last night. I told her to not even bother with season 2. That I was done and couldn’t do it anymore. I was so over it last night and I hadn’t even watched it yet. I went to bed early as usual ( I work an early shift at a grocery store, so I go to bed early on Monday nights and get up at 2:45 am and watch the previous night’s episode on the CW app.) I tossed and turned all night long, maybe got four hours of sleep. I went ahead and got up and watched it.  Now I was REALLY pissed. I went into work and told my friend that I was enraged. Now let’s talk about what particulars enraged me.

Every week in my reviews I use the same phrase, “Y’all I’m trying with Maria. But it’s hard.” I have wanted to love her since the very beginning. She was my favorite character in the OG series. I loved everything about her. So I was really excited when she first crossed my screen. Over the course of last season I was disappointed. I thought she got very little character development. I was really excited during hiatus when Carina talked about her having a bigger storyline. I hated that she was caught up in this love triangle debacle, but I was prepared to wait it out. I have always believed Michael and Alex need to learn how to be in a real relationship before they could be together. This would be Michael’s real relationship training ground. But there were still things about Maria that annoyed me every week. First off, why the hell didn’t she talk to Alex right off the bat? It took 5 episodes and what was probably several months before she came to him. But I chalked that up to lazy writing. I mean, it is a CW show. But then she and Alex talked and they were back on track. I could at least enjoy her friendship with Alex if not her romantic relationship with Michael. The conversation in the truck started off good. Alex was opening up about his fears, self-doubt and his internalized homophobia. This would be good. He was supportive of her reconciling with Michael. She wanted to make sure she and Alex would stay friends. But oh how the tables would turn after they had their little adventure. 

I’m going to preface this part by saying that I am a straight woman. So Maria SHOULD be the person I identify with. But I would NEVER EVER NEVER pull shit like that with any of my queer friends. Carina has been comparing the triangle to the one on Friday Night Lights. But I don’t think any of those characters turned to manipulating all parties involved. I mean, she used Alex AND Michael’s insecurities against them. They are both people pleasers. They sacrifice their own wants and needs at every turn. Michael because he is terrified of being abandoned, Alex because he doesn’t feel worthy of anyone’s love. She knows this about both of them. She also knows how dysfunctional their relationship is. This plays like a manipulative bitch wanting to prove to Alex that she’s Michael’s first choice and prove to Michael that Alex would move on afterward (because how could he not?). And that is why I am over Maria. They have ruined her for me forever. I don’t care what happens to her once this little romance is over. I’ve always tried to give her the benefit of the doubt through this whole thing, but that’s done. I’ve always low-key shipped her with Isobel. But, frankly, Isobel deserves better. Michael and Alex definitely deserve better. We as the viewers deserve better. The writers and Carina have taken what could have been a wonderful character, and turned her into a bitch. 

So am I going to stop watching? Now that I’ve had a few hours to process, I am not. I still love Kyle, Rosa, Isobel, Jenna and Liz. Not to mention all of the parents. And I refuse to give up on Malex. Call me crazy, but it ain’t over til the series finale baby!

Now, Things I Actually Liked:

-Kyle at the gay bar was AMAZING! I love how much he has grown as a person. He truly is the best.

-Isobel was hilarious. I am so happy she is taking her life back and searching for her happiness. She deserves everything good in this life.

-Echo was sweet. Max usually annoys me, but they made me smile. 

-I didn’t particularly like the storyline, but anytime David Anders is on my screen it’s a good thing.

-Forrest is ok in my book. He’s gonna show Alex what a real healthy relationship is like. 

-Buffy was sweet. Although I, like everyone else, expected her to be Alex’s doggie.

-Bert the werewolf guy!

-The only part of that shit show that I actually liked was Michael and Alex talking the morning after. I feel like it was the end of this chapter of their story. I’ve seen a lot of talk about how sad Alex looked when he walked away, but I thought Michael looked just as sad. Good thing I don’t think their story is actually over.

Final Thoughts:

It’s been a really emotional 24 hours. I feel like we have all been through the wringer. It’s going to be really interesting to see how they fix this cluster. I just hope it happens soon, cause I don’t know how much more my little heart can take. Til next week my lovelies! Take care of yourselves!!

[fishthegenderwitch]

"Bitch you live like this?"

The phrase I've been hearing for 2 weeks now, every single day, more than five times a day. I hear it in my head every time I look at my house. My living room (which is one of the three separate rooms of my house) contains about 80% of my belongings. Most of those belongings are visible, and my shelf is the floor. Not to say I don't have shelves for my belongings; I do. It took me two years of living here, but I finally managed to put up shelves and designate spaces for my stuff to live. Now I have to try to institute something that will work for me in order to be able to put everything away where it goes. My most recent attempt has been , "If you touch it put it back in its home". It has worked a little bit over the past two days.

The most frustrating part is when I ask for help, and I mean physical help as in having somebody present or making myself accountable in some way to tidy and organized and sort, I am constantly given different "tried-and-true lists that you can find on Pinterest" to organize my things. They are tried, I will attest to that, as I feel I've tried literally everything out there and my 25 years of trying to organize my shit. (I will be 40 in two weeks.). But the only thing that has ever worked to help me get my things in some semblance of order, was to leave everything behind except what would fit inside a backpack and relocate 800 kilometres away. That's not an option.

Yes, I've picked up all the garbage.

Yes, I've gotten rid of things I don't need. Countless times, almost every month, since 2009. I have the things I'm keeping. If there are things I have that I won't use, I don't know what they are because nothing is stored to its Easily Viewed Categories To Determine If I Still Want It.

Yes, I've tried that, thank you.

That too.

That too.

If you can think it, if it requires that nobody help me, I have tried it.

Alone is not working for me.

Nobody on the planet wants to go willingly into another person's home right now, unless they don't give a fork about sickness for whatever their stupid reasons are. I get that. I've tried to set up a video date, where I facetime someone as they also sort something so we're both doing something in our respective homes.

All three bailed.

The struggles I have with executive dysfunction are dismissed as me being lazy by literally everyone I speak to, and the overwhelming sense of shame I have at not being able to organize my own belongings makes me even more depressed. Just getting rid of things opens up its own list of improbable accomplishments.

I have mice. They definitely have places to hide. My dog is going blind. He needs space to know where to walk and play. These things make me NEED to clean and sort and tidy but the sheer sense of the task sends me back to bed every day.

And now I'll be going back to work. Once I agreed, I ended up chewing off all my fingernails from anxiety. That can't be good, right?

I just want to get up every day, have a shower, a coffee, walk the dog, and make art. My life was so simple when I had that; and I can't get it back alone.

[slcttyscv]

heeey loves. might as well post a quick intro and get it outta the way before i head to bed. i’m julia, and i’m excited to bring one of my fave muses here and hopefully getting to develop her some more. some info about savannah is under the cut and as always don’t hesitate to slide into my ims if you wanna plot!!

ahhh asgdhf, there’s a lot that can be said about our girl savannah here, but right off the bat most have always known her as the resident proverbial “wild child."

her mother got pregnant at a young age, she had just started college, her father was a few years older but was still in college too, that’s where they met. both were dependent and had unfavorable financial conditions. her dad dropped out of college and got a part time work to save as much of money as he could until the time the baby was born.

after she was born her mom went back to college and got a degree in business while her dad got a job museum since he majored history in school

when they got financially stable they decided to have another child and her parents finally decided to move in together. from this moment her family was getting richer.

at the same time that savannah was a spoiled kid, she values the money that they have, she knows how much her father worked to give her the good life she has and that it wasn’t always that way.

is vry close with her father and knows she can get whatever she wants but she tries not to take advantage of it. TRIES but ends up doing so but her dad doesn’t mind at all

at the age of 13, savannah walked in on her mom banging the family lawyer and her parents relationship when down the drain.. after a vry messy divorce her mom got full custody of her and her brother.

after that savnnah think that her family became vry dysfunctional family. they weren’t like a lot of the families that they seen on tv or even heard from others in school. she didn’t really mind though since this was her family and is what she grew up around.

she has one younger brother whom she loves and cares for most out of the entire family. even if they bicker and definitely don’t see eye to eye a lot, but at the end of the day she will always have his back!! ( for the good and bad things!!)

her relationship with her mother and step father...it isn’t much of a relationship! throughout the years cass grew a hatred for them as she got older. realizing that neither gave a fck about any of them.

she had been trying to be the goody goody child throughout her whole childhood and during a vry little time of high school. bring home straight A’s to her parents … if they were ever around.

in high school everything changed for cassidy. she was definitely what you would call a loose cannon – totally disrespectful, obscene, and unpredictable, always doing whatever it was she felt like doing at any given moment.

of her life, what w being THE party girl and always reveling in her sexuality w/out shame, so she’s just learned to embrace it.

w that being said, she gives 0 fucks and it’s landed her in hot water more times than she cares to count, and a lot of her bad habits followed her into her adult life

present day, savannah’s basically that party girl/bordering alcoholic trope who’s always just… doing too much like w EVERYTHING, not just when it comes to the partying scene.

savannah is apart of the elite social club and is the vp of omega beta tau!!

studying to be a nurse ( typical ) but she honest has always been into the medical field. would always sew up her own wounds and was always looking at things to keep healthy

she can’t seem to stay out of drama bc she’s the cause of it 90% of the time.

aside from what’s already been mentioned, when most people hear her name, they immediately know drama is prob gonna follow. and a lot of it probably stems from some deep-rooted insecurities she harbors and this need to matter and be SEEN, y'know.

because of that, she’s also a bit on the argumentative side – she knows how to push people’s buttons and does it well, but it’s kind of paradoxical bc the moment she’s dragged, she kinda plays victim and her feelings get hurt???? lmao, anyway.

anyway, atm she’s kind of spiraling – the drinking, the partying, etc. but it’s not really something that’s been addressed yet??

but ig it’s worth mentioning, that she’s always drinking these days, always the first to be drunk at functions and shit and when i say drunk, i mean like.. sloppy, blacked out drunk. can’t walk on her own drunk. ig that’s more of a headcanon than anything to rlly relay the extent of this bitch’s problems, but yeah, that’s all :) plot w me :)

personality & headcanons

she writes a lot of poems; usually having something to do with the stars or planets or flowers bc those are all her fav things

hypersensitive as hell !!

impulsive as fuck!! she actually has a icd (impulsive control disorder)

she’s v protective of her friends but most of all her family and of herself

she def puts up a lil bit of a front when it comes to sharing stuff about herself, like her sensitivity & emotions

she likes to think she’s badass as fuck when in reality she’s kind of a loser (who most definitely laughs at her own jokes)

she’s a positive and caring girl, savannah gets attached to people easily and is always showing how much she cares about them, even with little things that the other person probably doesn’t notice.

speaking of jokes lbr, she pretty funny and sarcastic so she isn’t the only one laughing

always thinking, always learning, always caring

v v romantically compulsive !!! it might be a problem !!

she constantly longs for partnership; whether it’s romantic or not

she is a problem-solver, and will spend a lot of time helping others solve problems if needed v good at talking and well-liked

while her spirit’s lively, it is also cunning & she often acts without thinking, throwing herself into things

can sometimes be easily angered, depending on who it is or what it is about !! is vry opinionated as well !! like she doesn’t have filter at all

she has a good sense of organization and she loves life and all it has to offer <3

wanted connections

ride or die, partner(s) in crime, friendzoned, enemies because of a girl/boy, exes that still hook up , toxic friends, friends with benefits , close friends, best friend(s), squad, first love , exes ( good or bad ), first boyfriend, first girlfriend, family friends, one night stand , smoking/drug buddies, almost lover , spurious relationship, hate/love, dealer, flirtatiouship (f/nb), unrequited love , ex hookup , summer fling , hateship, unlikely friends, recent crush, or roommates.

[themattress]

Assorted Future Diary Opinions

Because I recently watched that series in full.

The premise of this series was interesting, but I think the execution needed work, since there’s too much that doesn’t add up (mostly centered around the character of Deus Ex Machina - I like the guy, but what exactly was his deal? How/why is a god even dying?)

As I’m sure anyone can tell you, Yuno is the star of the show. She alone makes it worth the watch. While she well deserves her reputation as the Queen (or Goddess) of Yandere, she’s also one of the most nuanced examples of that trope. Her whole life revolving around her obsession with Yuki is actually a result of there being so much more to her than just said obsession with Yuki, hidden depths that make her disturbing, repulsive, sympathetic, and lovable all in turns, but on the whole it makes her human. She’s not a true monster, just a broken girl in need of help. Also, she’s a complete badass. You just gotta love her for that.

Like Shinji Ikari, Yuki gets a lot of hate for not being the decisive, assertive, more masculine male protagonist viewers expect him to be. But honestly? Just like with Shinji, I don’t get it. I like him just fine! He’s no Yuno, but she and the show would be worse off without him. He’s sympathetic and likable enough (up until he fully embraces the killing aspect of the game, although even then it’s understandable), and by the end he does become more decisive and assertive in a single conviction: save Yuno from herself (in more ways than one).  The only thing I don’t care for is his sad backstory: his parents divorced.  Really?  That’s it? Weak!

I have a big love/hate relationship with Uryuu Minene, and there are three reasons for that. The first reason is that her character is very inconsistent - it’s one thing to have chronic backstabbing disorder, and quite another to have your personality make wild shifts without explanation, particularly after her first appearance where she was shown as more or less pure evil and psychotic, then all of a sudden she’s mellowed out and admirable. Her “why do birds fly south?” explanation is NOT sufficient.  The second reason is toward the end the narrative starts pushing her as a hero, without any acknowledgement or remorse from her about her heinous crimes.  And the third reason is the nature of those heinous crimes and the motivation behind them - she’s a terrorist, born from a harsh life in the Middle East, who has religious hang-ups and kills people, even children, as a result of them. So basically, she’s Atheist ISIS. That hits way too close to home for me to ever not be somewhat disturbed by her character, no matter how much erratic character development she receives. With that said, she is cool and sexy, with great hammy voice acting in both Japanese and English.

I freaking LOVE Mur Mur. She’s adorable and hilarious, and the twist that she’s essentially the Big Bad was the best one in the story, outdoing the twists regarding Aru and Yuno’s origins in effectiveness. And her end-of-episode omakes were all highlights of the show.

The other Diary Holders I really enjoyed were 5th, 7th, 10th and 11th. 5th, the insane child prodigy, was both awesome and creepy as hell, and I loved how he and Yuno were so evenly matched in their battle. 7th, the battle couple, was just all-around likable and touching and made the perfect foil for Yuno and Yuki, even though that backstory was really unnecessary and stupid. 10th, the dog breeder, not only had an awesome English dub voice, but I also found it interesting how misanthropic he was to the point of manipulating his own estranged daughter, yet deep down was full of regret for this and cared for her enough to be honest with her and give her some words of comfort and parental advice just before he was killed. And 11th was a pretty cool villain with an interesting style in how untouchable he made himself.

I didn’t care as much for 3rd, 4th, 6th, 8th, and 12th. 3rd, the serial killer, was an undeveloped plot device to get the story started. 4th, the crooked cop, had too big a character shift that came out of left field, and the whole confrontation with him was underwhelming. 8th was just uninteresting to me, and the entire scenario featuring 6th and 12th was so completely bizarre and extremely uncomfortable that it negatively affected my perceptions of the characters.

I have just five characters who I flat-out HATE: Yuki’s father, whose redemption was incredibly half-assed and not believable, Yuno’s mother, who I really don’t think should be allowed custody of her daughter no matter what psychological help she might be getting at the end, the cultist bastard from 6th’s backstory, the over-the-top evil high school bitch from 7th’s backstory, and Masumi Nishijima, a character who was just so stupid, hypocritical, useless and all-around nonsensical that I don’t quite get the point. Minene, you can do better!

I actually quite like Ouji Kousaka, Mao Nonosaka and especially Hinata Hino. I know that many fans don’t and just consider them unwanted burdens, but I think they were all endearing and added some much-needed normalcy to the story...well, relatively speaking.

I only like Aru Akise in the English dub, since Todd Haberkorn’s voice really added a likability to him. In the manga, his actions toward the end really soured me on him, as they made him look worse than both Yuno and Yuki in that moment. While this was cut out in the anime, the Japanese version cast Akira Ishida in the role, which means he’s literally just Kaworu Nagisa (as if Yuki wasn’t similar to Shinji enough!) and I thus can’t appreciate him as an individual. 

The last four episodes were the best in the series. With all the other Diary Holders and side characters out of the way, everything now centered solely around the heart of the story: Yuno and Yuki, and their twisted and dysfunctional yet also strangely touching and uplifting love for each other. And I will admit it: this scene with this music made me cry. It was beautifully done.

The anime definitely handled the ending better than the manga. In the manga, the last three-or-so pages suddenly have Yuno smash through space-time with a hammer, no explanation given, and a rushed happy ending is given to the story. It just...doesn’t feel right to me. Whereas in the anime, it ends on the appropriately melancholy note of Yuki ruling an empty void, alone and forever mourning Yuno, then having a post-credits shot of his phone suddenly changing to say that “Yuno came to see me”, a light shining overhead and Yuno’s voice saying “Yuki!” being heard. That mysterious, ambiguous shot is the perfect one to leave it on, and if you want the full ending, you watch Redial, which actually provides the full context behind the “Yuno smashes through space-time with a hammer” ending before reaching it.

And lastly: Yunoteru forever! (Credit to @yunoteru4ever for that line. XD)