#i was hoping that everything wrong with me was because of the Vitamin. you know

[junewild]

no ghosts in my blood. disappointing

[heavyhitterheaux]

Good Intentions

See Me Through You Fic

Synopsis: An argument between you and your twin ultimately leads to an argument between you and your fiancé who calls you out about your actions and tells you how being overprotective isn't a good thing

Pairing: Fiancé!Joe Burrow x Fiancée!Reader

Series Masterlist

Requested by: by boo @hoodharlow 💕

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

AN: This takes place during Ja'Marr's rookie season. You are still at LSU and taking summer classes

The last thing your twin ever wanted to do was hurt your feelings, but all in all he had had enough and had reached his limit when it came to you being overprotective.

At this point, it was honestly suffocating.

It had been this way since the two of you were born and although Ja'Marr was grateful to be able to get along with his sibling since he knew not everyone did, something had to give. Yes, the two of you would talk to each other multiple times a day, but it seemed as if his phone had been ringing nonstop since he landed in Cincinnati.

As soon as he was going to text you and tell you that he wanted to talk about the situation, his phone was ringing indicating that it was you….

Again.

Taking a deep breath, Ja'Marr answered.

“Yes, Pebbles?”

“Bam Bam! Are you okay? How's everything going? I miss you. Did you eat breakfast already and take your vitamins?”

“I'm fine. I was fine when you called me two hours ago too…. at six in the morning. I miss you too. And yes to both of those questions.”

“It's just so weird not having you here and I hate it. I'm so proud of you, though. I always knew you would make it to the NFL because I saw your potential and how good you were. What do you have planned for today?” You asked as you were currently at the nail salon trying to decide on the color that you wanted.

You would be reunited with both your brother and fiancé in three weeks and you had been counting down until the last minute.

“Same plan that I had two hours ago. Just trying to get settled. Go explore the city a little bit.”

“Okay, well I guess I'll let you do that. I like how you're still getting an early start.” You told him as it was still barely eight in the morning.

“Wait, Pebbles can we talk?”

“We'll talk later when I call you back. I'm at the nail salon. Give me like an hour or two. They're ready for me. Love you!”

“Love you too.” Ja'Marr quietly said before the two of you hung up and he quickly looked up at Joe who was sitting across from him and half asleep himself since you had requested once again for him to head over to Ja'Marr's to check on him.

“You have got to tell her because this is insane. I feel like I've seen you more in the past week than I did my whole two years at LSU.” Joe told him as he shook his head.

“I just… I don't want to make her feel bad because I know she means well.” 

“But this cannot keep happening. I'm surprised she hasn't told me to make you move in with me so I can keep an eye on you. That's probably going to happen by the end of the day.”

“I'll talk to her once she calls me back later.” Ja'Marr replied, but if he was being honest he was actually dreading this conversation.

“You mean in five minutes?” Joe asked and Ja'Marr couldn't help but to laugh.

“I should time it and see how long it takes for her to actually do it.”

“Well in the meantime, I'm going back to sleep. But I know I won't be able to sleep for long before she's calling me back too.” Joe said as he got up and grabbed his keys making his way towards the door.

“I just hope she doesn't take it the wrong way.”

“I think everything will die down once she's actually here in person.”

—

When you had finally gotten out of the nail salon after admiring them and taking multiple pictures and had got settled in your car, you called Joe to see what he was up to and to also check on your brother. It was hard not being able to be with your brother as well as your fiancé since you had gotten accustomed to having both of them. 

You were taking a few summer classes which delayed you spending time with him in Cincinnati. Luckily, you only had a few weeks left until you would be able to.

“Hi baby! My nails are pink! I took a picture and sent it to you.” You proudly told Joe as he had you on speaker and was looking at the picture as you were telling him.

“I love them. Can't wait to feel them scratching down my back.”

“I… behave yourself!”

“I am behaving! I can't help that I miss my girl.”

“Aww, I miss you too. I just wanted to take this class so it will lessen my load come next semester. Anyway, babe, can you go and check on Ja'Marr?” You sweetly asked and Joe couldn't help but to roll his eyes and was thankful that it wasn't a facetime call. He knew that it was only a matter of time.

“Baby, I was literally just over there three hours ago. I'm not going over there again.” Joe told you as he was trying to make himself a smoothie and started to get ingredients out of the fridge.

“But I have to know if he's okay!”

“Y/N, are you going to let him be an adult or…?”

“He's my baby brother! And you told me that you would look out for him once he got to Cincy. And since when is he an adult?! He is still three in my eyes!”

“Princess, I am looking out for him, but you are being extremely overprotective and Ja'Marr is scared to say anything because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. How long are you going to try and hold his hand for? And he became an adult the minute that he turned eighteen.”

“If he had a problem with me calling him so much, he would tell me. He tells me everything.” You said and Joe scoffed.

“Uh? What was that sound for? See, you're the youngest so you probably don't understand! I have been looking out for him since forever! I have so many responsibilities on my shoulders being the oldest.”

“Older by three minutes. And you need to calm down and let him be. You are in the wrong here, but won't admit it. Nothing wrong with checking on him, but babe this is borderline obsessive.” Joe explained to you as he was now cutting up the fruit he wanted to put in his smoothie.

“Joey, what the hell!? He's the only sibling I have.”

“I'm your fiancé and I'm always going to be honest with you. I don't care if it's something you don't want to hear or agree with.” 

“There is literally nothing wrong with what I'm doing.” 

Joe couldn't help but to roll his eyes once more. 

“Okay, baby. Since you don't think it's bothering him, hang up and call him. Then call me back and tell me what he says.”

“Fine, you’ll see.” You said as you shrugged even though Joe couldn't see you.

Once you hung up with him, you called your twin and he didn't even give you a proper greeting before he started to go off on you.

“Y/N, what could you possibly ask me about now?”

“Whoa, what's the attitude for? And I thought you wanted to talk to me? You always want to talk to me.”  You asked as you were caught off guard.

“Don't you have class, or practice, or SOMETHING that you can occupy your time with instead of calling me every five minutes?”

“I… Ja'Marr I just want to make sure you’re okay. You're my baby brother and my twin. Only one I have.”

“Yes, I know and you will NOT let me fucking breathe. Like got damn. I've only been here a damn week and all of my calls are basically from you every two minutes. Yes, Joe is checking on me and making sure I'm good. But I don't need a babysitter. He's also getting annoyed because you tell him to come and check on me ten times a day!” Ja'Marr told you unable to hold back any longer. 

“But… you turned your location off. I need to know where you are. You never turn it off. What's up with that?”

“NO YOU DON'T. I'm good, that's all you need to know. All you have been doing ever since I got drafted was be extremely overprotective! Mom and dad aren't even this bad.” He told you as he was being completely honest.

It was quiet for a few seconds before you decided to say anything, obviously hurt by his reaction.

“If I'm bothering you, I'll stop. I just miss you is all. But I can see that I'm causing more harm than good. So I'll hang up now.” You said with tears threatening to fall from your eyes. 

“Wait, Pebbles, I just…” Now Ja'Marr was regretting his approach because he now knew for a fact that he had hurt your feelings which he was trying to avoid doing.

“Bye, have a good rest of your day.” 

You didn't give him a chance to finish as you quickly hung up and wiped away the tears that did end up falling. Figuring that you were also probably bothering your fiancé just as Ja'Marr mentioned, you decided to send him a text instead of calling him again.

You- I'll stop asking for you to check on him

Joey- Baby, I don't mind checking on him. Just tone it down a little bit. I promise you that he's okay. If he wasn’t, you would be the first person I told.

You- No, I'm not asking anymore at all. If he wants to talk to me, he will and I'll leave it at that. I guess I'm bothering you too so I'll let you be. Talk to you whenever.

Joey- Princess, stop being ridiculous. You aren't bothering me.

You- Ja'Marr said otherwise so goodnight

“Shit.” Joe muttered underneath his breath before typing a response back to you.

Joey- It is literally 11 in the morning and you're being petty

You- I can tell time, goodnight like I said

For the rest of the day, your phone had been blown up by Joe but you weren't budging. Ja’Marr had been eerily quiet, but you definitely weren't about to say anything to him.

He wanted space so that was what he was going to get. 

If he felt like you were being extremely overprotective and also bothering Joe with your antics, you were simply going to keep your distance.

About a week had passed and Ja'Marr honestly felt weird.

He hadn't talked to his big sister and since it was out of the ordinary, when certain things happened he didn't have anyone he would immediately run and tell about it.

That person had been you.

He had been leaving you messages here and there with no response from you.

Joe wasn't any better and you would be sending him one word answers to his text messages while declining his facetime calls despite him wanting to call a truce.

He came to the conclusion that you were obviously still hurt by the argument that had taken place, but he needed to fix this before you came to see him in two weeks.

Well, if you still wanted to see him, that is. 

Because as of right now he wasn't so sure. 

It was now around six in the evening when you and Erin had just gotten back from going shopping and you had begun to put away your clothes in your closet when you heard Erin's phone ring as she was sitting on your bed.

“Oh no.” She breathed out and you looked at her in confusion.

“What?”

“Your baby daddy is calling me.” She told you and you quickly rolled your eyes.

One thing about Joe is if he knew you were mad at him, nine times out of ten he's calling Erin to check on you because he knows that you'll keep ignoring him.

“I'm not talking to him right now.”

“Wait, didn’t you tell him goodnight at 11 in the morning the other day?” She asked while laughing.

“Yes, and I meant it.”

“Let’s see what he wants.” Erin replied as you quickly shook your head no before exclaiming it.

“NO!”

“Too late. Hi Joey!” Erin said as she waved at him with you quickly rolling your eyes.

Great, it was a facetime call too.

“Hey Erin, where's Y/N?”

“In front of me and I told her to call you so that the two of you could make up but she's being stubborn.” She told him and you promptly rolled your eyes.

“Can you pass her the phone?” He politely asked and she quickly nodded. 

“Sure.”

It took a minute for you to take the phone from her, but once you did, you didn't greet your fiancé but simply stared at him.

“Baby….”

“What? What do you want?”

“Lose the attitude. And I’m just checking on you, have you talked to your twin at all?”

“Nope, and I don't plan on it. He asked me if I had something to occupy my time with instead of bothering him and here we are. And I thought I told you goodnight already?”

“Princess, he wants to talk to you and apologize but you wouldn't know that since apparently you've been ignoring him. And you told me that damn near a week ago. We communicate with each other in this relationship and this needs to end tonight.”

“Okay, can I get back to watching my shows now?” You asked as you had now moved from your room to the living room and turned on Netflix with Erin behind you.

“No, talk to him first and then we need to talk.”

“Well I don't know how that's going to happen because I'm not calling him.” 

“There's no need to, he's right here.” Joe told you and quickly passed the phone to Ja'Marr.

“Wait, what?”

“Pebbles….”

“Wow, the minute I say I'm going to stop calling you, look who decides to come crawling back?” You told him and Ja'Marr quickly rolled his eyes.

“You need to shut your petty ass up so I can apologize.”

“I will jump through this phone and tackle you. Fuck a D-line.” You shot back and he let out a deep sigh.

“Like I was saying because I am ignoring that last statement. I never meant to hurt your feelings and it did come out kind of harsh.”

“Kind of? That's putting it lightly.” You muttered as you were deciding which show you wanted to catch up on.

“Y/N!”

“I'm just telling it like it is.”

“Anyway, I'm sorry but we have got to come to a compromise because we can't keep doing this.”

You sighed before answering him, but quickly nodded in agreement.

“I'm sorry too, but the only way I'm forgiving you is if you door dash me some food.”

“Already done. Honey old bay wings, all flats. Should be there in the next ten minutes.”

“Oh, you are definitely trying to get back on my good side. But on a serious note, I promise to give you more space and I never want you to feel like I'm suffocating you. I just… it's kinda lonely here now. I do have Erin and Alisha but…. I have literally never been away from you.” You confessed as Ja'Marr nodded.

“I know and it's going to take some time for us to adjust. But we'll get there. We good now?”

“Yes, we're good.”

“Now stop being a petty ass fiancée to my best friend.” Ja'Marr said as he eyed you and handed Joe back the phone.

“Babe?”

“Yes, princess?”

“I'm sorry and you know I love you. And yes I need to work on my communication when it comes to you and stop shutting you out.” You told him while you got up off the couch to grab a drink from the fridge.

“I don't know how many times that I have to remind you that I'm not him. I care about how you feel and am always willing to meet you halfway. I asked you to marry me for a reason. I love you too.” 

“Sometimes I swear I don't deserve you.” You whispered and Joe simply shook his head.

“We deserve each other and we're going to continue to make our relationship stronger because once I slip that ring on your finger next summer, that's it. You're mine forever and whatever problems may arise, we simply have to figure it out together. We're a team, okay?”

“Okay.” You quietly said as you smiled at him.

"See you in two weeks, princess?” Joe asked with excitement dripping from his voice.

“Two weeks and not a day more.”

[leviathanleva]

Sugar Bomb

Pairing: Findlay 'Hazard' Docherty x Fem!Reader

Description: Trying to court Hazard is tough. You nearly give up, thinking your methods have failed. Or have they?

[2.4 k words]

Chapter 5

“Listen, I’m an omnic and even I can smell your perfume.”

You purse your lips at Susie before averting your attention to the lava lamp on your nightstand.

How everyone but Findlay had noticed the changes was beyond you. You’d tried so hard to impress him, your wardrobe was full of cute dresses now, even knitted winter ones you tended to freeze in, but soldiered on just to try and catch his eye. Thigh-high socks had become a regular sight, squishing your thighs just perfectly. You’d even gotten your nails done, a pretty bubblegum pink.

A sweet candy perfume rested next to the lava lamp; one-third of the bottle was already gone because you never missed the chance to renew the aroma on your neck, hoping that the dumb blond would be lured in by the smell of treats. But no, the oblivious bloke instead checked the cookie jar every time you were together in the kitchen because he was too daft to realize the notes of vanilla and cinnamon were coming from you and not some hidden pastry.

“I just missed being girly.” Is the first lie you can think of to tell Susie and sate her hunger for being in on the secret to your sudden and drastic change.

You’d rather move out than tell anyone the pathetic reason why you abandoned sweatpants and leggings for short dresses and tight thigh-highs.

“And that’s why you spent half your savings on a new wardrobe when your clothes are perfectly fine?”

You cross your legs in discomfort and suppress the need to hide under your covers.

“Yes.”

Every morning you took a shower before starting an intensive skincare routine. From ampules to face masks and even a rose quartz face roller. You scrubbed yourself raw, used the best-scented body lotion you could find, and caked yourself with copious amounts of vitamin C and sunblock, made sure that every little imperfection and blemish was covered up, that your cheeks always had a ruddy tint to them, lips always hydrated and as plump as possible. Your skin was glowing, your hair was immaculate, your clothes were ironed to perfection, everything about you was as spectacular as you could make it.

And still, he didn’t notice a fucking thing.

Men…typical.

Each day you tried a new outfit, thinking maybe it’s not a color he likes, the length is wrong, the combination isn’t his style. And each day your hopes were crushed when he didn’t even dare to look in your general direction.

Were you that unfavorable in a dress? What were you doing wrong?

It was exhausting to be denied even a glance when a month ago you were holding each other like lost lovers. Granted he’d almost died and you were on the brink of a complete meltdown because of it, but still.

Now his eyes were everywhere but on you, his good mornings and good nights were rushed and dismissive as if he didn’t even want to speak with you.

It took a toll on your confidence.

“You know I’m gonna get to the bottom of this, right?”

You squint at Susie’s words and force out a nervous laugh before shifting slightly away from her on the bed.

It was girls' night again, it had been a while since you both had enough time and energy to have a proper sleepover. You had been ecstatic and in desperate need of a distraction from your failed attempts at courting Hazard. But of course, the sweet little omnic was perceptive and she knew you too well for all these sudden changes to go unexplained.

So here you were, being interrogated while you did your best to dodge the matter.

She was more headstrong than you though.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” She says delicately as if she was trying not to frighten a jumpy hare.

“I know Suze.” You sigh and look away when your expression changes from content, but slightly nervous, to utterly pained and dejected. “But there’s nothing to talk about. I’m just running an experiment, trying to boost my confidence is all, but so far…” You take a breath and continue. “…So far it’s felt like an utter failure.”

Her hands twitch in her lap before she rests one over your knee, kind and gentle like she always was.

“Is that what this is all about?” The omnic tilts her head slightly and then chirps out a giggle. “You’re not feeling confident?”

There’s genuine sympathy in her tone and you force out an embarrassed smile and brush your fingers you’re your hair awkwardly.

“Yeah…” Is all you manage before taking your pillow to squeeze against your chest and stuffing your face into it. It wasn’t technically a lie, your confidence was suffering, but it was more due to someone rather than diminishing by itself.

When you hear shuffling you look back up and see Susie sliding off the bed and slipping on her coat with determination you’d not seen in her before.

“Where are you going?” You ask, words muffled into the fluff of the pillow.

“I’ll be right back, trust me.” She calls back and closes the door behind her, leaving you alone in the dim atmosphere of your bedroom.

And so you wait, abandoned to solitude with a bowl of popcorn and a list of old corny movies you were planning on watching. Snow fell languidly outside your window, piled up on the sill, a friend to the frosted flowers decorating the glass. The heater blasting in the corner did well to fill the silence with a soft white noise, but it wasn’t enough to quell your self-doubt. You’re left to your thoughts which have been very unkind lately, it’s not a good place to be in. Your mind berates you incessantly and all you can do is squeeze yourself into a tighter ball of shame and just take it.

Not good enough. – It wasn’t a term you liked to use, you knew how detrimental to one’s mental health it was and in the past you’d managed to stray from it, well, mostly. But lately, it had kept nagging at the back of your head until you couldn’t ignore it anymore. Self-hate had slithered into your bloodstream and now there was no getting rid of it when all of your self-worth was unknowably put on the shoulders of a man who didn’t even want to acknowledge you.

You pat the pillow in your lap gently before puffing out a breath.

“Fuck this.”

You’re wiping the cat eyeliner off your lids and smearing the lipgloss into the back of your palm to get it off your mouth before you can process what’s happening. Once that’s done, you take the perfume bottle and stuff it in your drawer where you hope to forget it ever existed.

If he didn’t like you, that was that, no amount of makeup or pretty clothes were going to change his opinion. You’d just hoped that maybe…

“No.”

You shake your head, shake all the stupid thoughts away before standing to change out of the white knitted dress you were suffering in. A pair of khaki shorts and a large hoodie, a mouthful of popcorn, and a stupid romcom with Susie were all you needed to be happy.

There’s a ruckus outside your door, hissy voices that are scream-whispering at each other but the words are too rushed and belligerent for you to comprehend. You go still and strain your ears, leaning slightly towards the entrance of your room while trying to listen, but nothing comes of it, the voices are too distorted.

When the door opens you jump instinctively and grip onto your hoodie to steady your racing heartbeat.

There stands Susie, gripping Hazard’s arm and keeping him from bolting down the hallway and away from you like he was avoiding the plague. If it didn’t literally rip your heart apart, you’d find it funny. It was like making him eat steamed broccoli all over again.

“Great! Now we’re all here.” The sweet omnic starts and nudges Findlay in the ribs hard. “Now say what you think, Haz.”

“Wut? O,…right. I uh… I don’t – ” The poor Scotsman was stumbling over his words more than you were over your thoughts. He looked about ready to crawl out of his skin, it was torture to see him in such a state and despite Susie’s good intentions, you’d rather just set him free from your unwanted presence.

“Suze, really. It’s okay, he looks so uncomfortable.” You blabber out with a strained laugh and raise your hands up to motion for her to let him go despite the tears prickling the back of your eyes.

“No, no. He’s been dancing around this since you changed your style.” She interrupted and pulled Hazard inside the room before shutting the door to keep him from escaping. “Go on, Haz.”

It was a comical sight, the man barely fit in your small cozy dwelling. This was the first time he had ever entered your room and if the circumstances were any different, you’d be a nervous wreck, but right now, you just wanted this whole charade to be over.

“Susie, please…Just leave him be.” You plead, unaware of the small crystal clear droplets that are starting to weigh down on your lower lashes.

He’s tapping his foot in agitation and readjusting his tee every few seconds. His eyes skim over your bedroom – your lamp, the old TV screen, the popcorn bowl, your bed, everything and anything that isn’t you. You want to scream in his face:

“What the fuck did I do to you?! Why are you acting like this?!”

But you couldn’t, it wasn’t like you, confrontation was scary, confrontation with Findlay was even scarier.

“No. I’m done with you two playing the long game. Just say what you want to say and stop suffering – ”

“ – Susie!” You don’t realize you’ve yelled until it’s already echoing around, you don’t realize your voice broke halfway into pronouncing her name either. You swallow awkwardly, partly curl in on yourself, and speak in a rasp “Just let him go. He doesn’t want to be here.”

You’re sniffling softly, barely suppressing sobs and hugging yourself. It’s pitiful, you hate yourself for it, you wish you weren’t such a crybaby.

“Ey…No..No, no, no.” You hear him say, look up and meet his eyes for the first time in weeks. He approaches you hastily, ripping out of Susie’s grip to bend over you and tenderly wipe your cheeks dry. “None o’ this shite.” He gives the omnic a side glance. “Give us a moment, ye?”

When you hear the door shut behind her your lips part to form blubbery, wet words soaked with days of silent suffering.

“Why don’t you look at me anymore, Haz?” You wrap your fingers around his large wrist, craving his touch desperately after so long. “Did I do something? I don’t get it…You don’t even come close to me – ” A sob, a hiccup, a shiver wracking your body, cutting your mumbling off short. “ – anymore.”

“I’s Findlay. Fin for you. Kay, bonnie?” He speaks evenly, wraps one arm around your waist and gently tugs you into his wide chest. You practically disappear in his embrace, surrounded by warm, heavy muscle and it feels so right to stand like this. You relax, wipe your nose into the sleeve of your hoodie, mewling softly as he coos down at you. “Mah wee hen. Pretty li’le birdie. ‘M sorry…”

You cling to him, standing on the tips of your toes just to be able to rest your damp cheek against his prosthetic shoulder and still barely reaching. Your fingers trace the synthetic cords on his nape and you hear him gurgle out a curse before taking in a deep breath and choking audibly.

Then it dawns on you that your attempt at luring him to you might have backfired. You pull away slightly and cup his chin with unfathomable tenderness. He leans into your caress and closes his eyes to concentrate on stifling the hunger sparking to life inside his abdomen.

“Is it the perfume? I’ll stop wearing it, I thought you’d like it…I didn’t think you might actually be allergic – ”

“ – I’s not tha’, hen.” He struggles for words, a man barely restrained by his care for you and your dignity, because you simply deserved better than him. “Ah like it. Ah do…A bit too much.”

It takes you a moment to process what he means, but once you do, your whole body feels like it’s been lit ablaze. Your heart pounds in your chest, ready to leap through your ribs at any second. You dig your nails in his skin to try and keep from collapsing right there on the spot and earn a strained rumble from him as a reward.

“Prancin’ about in those pre’y li’le dresses. Could smell ya ‘round every corner.” He glowers, driven to the brink of insanity by your existence in his life. He kneads your sides eagerly, craving the flesh hidden beneath the thick fabric of your hoodie. He’s desperate, restrain runs thin and he’s had enough torture to be able to resist again now that you were in his hands, yielding and soft. “Wasn’t enough ta test me with them pre’y clothes. Had to use tha’ stench too. Lure me out like a wolf starved.”

“Fin…” You mewl out weakly, grateful for his solid hold on you because you were nearly ready to faint.

“I like ta think is all fur me, ya know?” He murmurs, it’s barely audible and you want to shout in his ear that it is, but it feels like there’s water in your lungs, you’re drowning in his presence, immobilized and pliant.

“Findlay…”

You manage to sneak a glance. His eyes are glowing in the dimness of your room, a threatening shadow cast over them and making them stand out. He looks like an apex predator about to feast, having finally caught his meal. And you’re right there, the willing sacrifice, ready to be swallowed whole if only to stay with him forever. You’re ready for anything as long as he’s there with you.

“Wonna eat ya up.” His nose is pressed into your neck, inhaling deeply, then you feel a wetness being dragged across your skin and a shiver wracks you entirely. “Cannae take it anymore…”

“Please, please, please…”

This is all you’ve ever wanted.

“You two alright in there?” Susie, bless her, the ever-caring friend that she was, but you really wished she wasn’t waiting for you to wrap it up on the other side of your door. He pulls away silently, regrettably, and spares you a last wanton glance before heading for the door and leaving you there thrumming and beyond overjoyed.

<<< Chapter 4

Chapter 6 >>>

Masterlist

[imzsuzsis-blog]

I saw a blurry picture on the net of Lando and a strange man in his forties talking in front of the hotel, then kissing. It blew my fuse quite a bit. "If I meet him, I'll be sure to follow Lando Norris" I got out of the taxi in a rage. I almost didn't pay the groundhog, my mind was so different that I shouldn't miss the fucking train, I managed again last year, I hope I won't make it this year... "Ohhh fuck it, I'll kill you!!!!" He takes a picture in front of my eyes and lets the guy hug him from behind. "Fuck this is disgusting." I even covered my eyes so that I wouldn't even see this shit... "Baby, how are the Twins?" I was so shocked by the news that I accidentally pressed Siri on my phone and instead of Zac, I called Pato'o, who was shocked by the news because his ex Lando had been together for a good two years.

"Oh, Osc, come on, take it easy, he's here, my friend Loki, we've just met." I gave Osc a friendly handshake but he pulled away terrified, as if I was terrorizing him. Hello, I'm Oscar, Lando's teammate since last year. He's a cute boy if you warm up like that." ,, Osc???? Did you take a homophobic pill again? we go together, he's my boyfriend." "Not only did you shock me again, you know, I called Pato' O instead of Zak, this is the news of the twins." "Did you hear the bass? I'm sorry, it wasn't intentional, I've only known since yesterday, believe me. I that I was shocked at first by the fact that I am not five weeks old, but seven, then that I have twins, double the joy, but double everything and fucking chaos." "When will you tell me at home?" I shook my head, I didn't realize this either, maybe there are Carlos, Daniel and Max among the four godfather signs, my rivals are all bigger names with one exception, Max Fewtrell is no longer a bigger name than me, but he can easily beat me in this.

"Oh calm down Oscar, yes I am Loki and yes Lando also took his name, that's my name, I have nothing to do with the god of mythology, I'm Loki Jonosoh." "How old are you, because in the picture you looked rather young, even though you were washed." "One week ago, I was forty-one, we just celebrated that on the date and it was said that he wanted to build this piece by piece after the previous one." I started stroking Lando's back with my beautiful but already worn black nails, who vomited again, this usual breakfast was bad for him. He can't stand it, he said yesterday when he was about to leave crying, he's out of it, it's like he's settled in well, and then everything would come out, he hates it all in the morning, I comforted him. In the brain, he was lying there crouched down and crying constantly, I am worried about him, in fact, he doesn't eat anything, he is just nauseous or dizzy, even now when we get there, this is not a condition for him. ,,Do you know of another hospital in Suzuka besides the emergency hospital? Oscar is urgent please!!!!” "I'm here Loki, I'm looking at the map, I've already found one, I hope it won't end badly. Come on Lando you need to eat for a little bit.” "No, I can't even look at the food, I feel nauseous and have to throw up again." "We really need a hospital where we can be told what to do, it's not fun to watch." ,,Jesus!!!" "We don't know what's wrong with me either, Charles. We know he can't eat, if he eats everything right away, then his appetite is completely gone, we are worried and he can't handle vomiting in the morning. Loki said that he was curled up crying on the bed and didn't want to leave until he couldn't stop crying." "We are hoping that he will sleep a little on the train."

The thought came to my mind, I'm going to die right here and get the fuck out, "Water, Loki, thanks, I'm not hungry, I'm just fucking thirsty and I'm parched." "Well, at least you're taking your vitamins, aren't you?" ,,Of course, are you fooling around with chocolate milk Charles? For what?” "This or the B12, you decide, Lando." Give me the chocolate milk, is it a joke, is it also B12? Get it!!!! I don't." I watched him while he was throwing a tantrum, it's only natural that he has no appetite and that he's constantly vomiting and gnawing on certain foods like that, what's wrong with him now?" "Paprika, but I could also say radishes and vegetables like this, he can smell it and is starting to feel nauseous, but he is constantly vomiting or has nausea, I can't do anything about him, even now he is sensitive, he saw a dead cat on the street and started to cry and he would have loved it At the cemetery, when I and a couple of passers-by prevented this, he started to get hysterical and threw his shoes, because I wanted to calm him down, he started to cry again because he doesn't understand what he's doing and he's had enough of it, he wanted to fool around with me, and finally he fell down. " "This vitamin shit and this chocolate milk look like they're being drunk by school kids." I went to Loki, who kissed me and ruffled my hair, I leaned on his shoulder, tired as hell, I didn't sleep in the middle of the night, I sat on the edge of the bed and waited for the new pussy to come out of my stomach, and I cried, then I vomited, I didn't sleep at all, when I slept, I tossed and turned, it was a nightmare.

[ruhorih4ra]

Heheh yes I couldn't finish in 22 parts but this ends today my frens, no more wainting for my pathetic ass.

GET OUT OF MY WAY 🌈

Sc recovered faster than you, she stayed with you for a week before moving in with the angels.

She visited you regularly, much to the brothers’ distress, they became especially angry when she talked about the things you’d do in the human world once you recovered. She was as beautiful as ever, but her nose was somehow screwed up, a sharp contrast to her harmonious and elegant features.

She came to see you one day when you were alone. She locked the door before approaching you. “I know it's futile, but it's force of habit, I guess.”

Perhaps you were thinking too loud, maybe you weren’t as discreet as you thought because her smile widened. “It'll heal with time, they said I deserve it.” She took a small mirror out of her bag and began inspecting her face, her back turned to you. “I've come to say goodbye. I'm leaving today.” Until that moment you realized that she wasn't wearing the RAD uniform but a sober green dress that made her eyes appear green.

“You haven’t completed the program yet.”

“I was never part of it.” She moved the mirror to see you instead. “I know you may not think the same but humans don’t have a place here.”

“You say that, but they made this creepy hospital room just because you suggested it. Satan also wore a blue robe.” You saw her taking a seat beside your bed. “Yes, he didn’t want to, but I convinced him that the color blue conveys calm and reduces stress.”

You laughed as you remembered Satan’s clothes from the last few days, always wearing something blue.

“I did suggest some things, but I always had in mind that they were toying with me, that they could kill me.” You were ready to deny it when doubt choked you. “Would you mind? if they did, would you take my side?”

“They wouldn’t.” You said. She saw doubt across your face, but not a new one, it looked as if you were already familiar with that question. “This is probably why they decided to keep you out of this.” Sc said.

“Can’t you guys live together without trying to kill each other?” The stubborn part of you replied, ever since the beginning you knew that the plan of Diavolo was close to a utopia. “You don’t need me to answer that.”

“Solomon wants humanity to be able to defend itself too, he-”

“He destroyed my organization’s opportunity to let the world know about the Devildom.” Sc finished your sentence. You didn’t know the reason behind Solomon’s doing, but your trust in the sorcerer didn’t waver. “I assure you whatever he did was for humanity’s sake”.

She had so many things to say, so many words stuck in her throat, but as much as she wanted to convince you, she was tired. Perhaps one day she’ll come back, but for now, she wanted to forget everything about heaven and hell. “That sounds unfair, but I can’t do more, can I? I’m sorry for accidentally releasing such a troublesome curse.” She left her seat and fixed her hair.

“Just don’t do it again.”

“Demons are powerful, but as incredible as it may seem, you can take care of them.” You knew she wasn’t talking about The Little D.’s

She offered her hand, she wasn't smiling but something in her was surely happy. “Wait.” You gently place two fingers over her nose. It only took you a minute to heal it and return it to its original shape. “That's it. It was bugging me the entire time.” You took her hand and smiled. “See you soon, Sc.”

“Don’t forget to take your vitamins and I hope to see at least some regulations next time.” Sc said.

A second later she was gone, your hand grasping empty space and your eyes fixed on the wall. Nobody asked you about her, no one scolded you for helping her without permission. You didn't say anything either.

***

“Come on, Mc! You're slow!” Mammon shouted, he was holding all your luggage from Purgatory Hall back to the House of Lamentation. He was so happy that you start to wonder if flowers would sprout from his feet.

“What's wrong? Are you okay?” You must have been very slow if he stopped to ask you. “I was thinking maybe it’s too soon to go back.”

His face withered just by hearing your words, he had the face of a child after a reprimand or a broken promise. “Oh, ya know what? you don't have to come back if you don't want to.”

You looked around, there wasn't a place in your field of vision that wasn't occupied by crows. It would have been a majestic sight, but it became comical when all the big black birds lowered their heads, crestfallen. “I want to!” You said, hesitant. At your words, all of them raised their heads again, giving little jumps of excitement and looking at each other. “Oh, but maybe it is too soon!”

Their heads dropped again.

You laughed, unable to contain it any longer, earning curious but hopeful looks from the black birds. “Hey! Don't be rude, don't play with our feelings.” Mammon had dropped your things, hugging you from behind, resting his forehead on your shoulder. “We are very sensitive folks, bet ya didn't know that.”

You turned and hugged him, finding yourself trapped in his arms. Lately, the brothers’ main characteristic was defined by their craving for love. You could feel it in every hug, every word, every touch. The words danced and caressed you tenderly, quietly asking “Have you decided to stay?”

The audience around you seemed to have run out of patience, they started to chirp and fly from one place to another. Slowly, their complaints became louder until Mammon let you go, shutting them up. “Would ya stop?! Can’t you see I am busy?!”

You grabbed some of your things and Mammon took that as a sign of defeat. He tried to mask his sadness, but his eyes couldn't lie to save his life. He took the rest of your things and walked back to Purgatory Hall, avoiding to look directly at you and show the tears brimming in his eyes.

“Where are you going?” You simply said, a little embarrassed by your own hesitation. However, the demon didn't seem a bit angry, his eyes lit again when he realized what you meant. “Wherever you want to go, Mc.”

***

Oh, it was getting bigger. The elephant in the room. Every day a little bit more. In the morning, having breakfast and running out of conversation became your worst fear. In those cases, the atmosphere turned uncomfortable and you could almost cut the tension with a knife.

They must have special abilities, surely they can hear your heart or the tension of your muscles when you're about to bring out the topic. They're always quick to fly, to change the conversation, to hug or kiss their way out of trouble.

While you were sitting in the living room, you noticed that your hands were a mess, you'd bite your nails because of all the anxiety and uncertainty. They hurt and certainly wasn’t a pleasant thing to look at. “Dear, what did you do!?” Judging by his voice, Asmodeus could have been witnessing the murder of Lord Diavolo or worse. You covered your hands before facing Asmo, even if it was obvious that he’d already seen them. “Nothing.”

You quickly noticed that everything about Asmodeus looked immaculate, not a hair out of place, not a wrinkle in his clothes or a pimple on his face. Despite this, he seemed more uncomfortable than ever. “What's wrong with you?”

He seemed seriously affected by your question, but he successfully hid it. “I'm sorry.” He said after sitting next to you. He was holding your hands while he inspected them. It wasn't normal to see Asmodeus so calm and thoughtful.

“Why?” You stuttered. “You must think we are doing this on purpose, but that's definitely a lie, hon.” He said, his gaze moved from one thing to another but it was clear he wasn't looking at anything.

“Don’t apologize.” You said. Asmo looked as bemused as the first time he found out that humans’ noses and ears never stop growing.

“I told you horrible things. You were right, something was very wrong and I couldn't stop it in time.” You pulled out a hangnail and watched the blood staining your finger. It hurt, but you couldn’t get rid of it.

Asmo didn't say a word, he got up and left before you could say more. Barbatos had asked you to (in his own words) refrain from using any more magic and rest properly until your body felt better. You watched how the loose skin around your fingers disappeared and the pain subsided as well.

“Barbatos would be angry.” Asmo arrived again, this time with his manicure set. “If I can use magic to heal myself, why shouldn’t I use it?” You left your place on the couch and sat on the floor, placing your hands on the small table that was right in the middle of the room. “I know hon, but you're still recovering from using too much magic, remember?” Asmo opened the elegant pastel pink bag, slowly choosing and separating his tools.

“I feel fine already.” You said, looking at him, who was feigning concentration. He was trying to focus on your nails, being able to hold your hands again was distracting but feeling your gaze on him, your scrutiny, was even more troublesome.

“Mc, am I distracting you with my beauty?” He took the nail clipper and carefully cut your nails to the same length he knows you prefer. The room fell silent, only the sound of the nail clipper and Asmo's soft breathing.

Asmodeus' face was ridiculously perfect. You understand why Lucifer called him the “Jewel of the Heavens” His eyelashes, so many and so long. His eyes, two spheres with a sunset trapped inside. Then you noticed the tears that slid silently through his face. “Why are you crying?”

“Do you like my face?” He asked, massaging your cuticles with cream. You removed one of your hands and the effect was immediate; Asmodeus lift his head with an expression that could only mean fear. “Of course I like your face. Don't bite your lips, they'll bleed.” you caressed his cheek, trying to erase the sad grimace.

“I'm sorry. I don't want to be disgusting. I don't want to disgust you. It sounds silly but, when you said that, I felt as if you weren’t just talking about my face.” He bursted out. Tears started falling against his will. He didn't want to cry and ruin his appearance, all the effort he put to please you. You waste no time hugging him, his head on your shoulder while his hands clung to your back. “Asmo, please forgive me! You have to believe me! I didn't mean it, those words are a lie, how can I think that?”

“You didn't say anything, I thought you were still angry.” He said between sobs. “Your face distracted me, you look very handsome today. Every part of you is dazzling.”

“Really?” He raised his head and looked at you, his eyes red and funnily circular, his eyebrows went up in astonishment and hope. His nose was red too, and you realized that you couldn't distinguish between his tears and his mucus. “Honestly, your worst is probably more beautiful than anybody's best.”

He blushed and laughed, quickly wiping his face with a handkerchief that came out of nowhere. “I'm sorry Mc. I love you, I love you so much that sometimes it makes me jealous. Jealous that you may not feel the same way.”

“You know I love you too, Asmo.” He laughed tenderly, feeling as embarrassed as if he had never heard those words before. However, after a moment, his eyes saddened again. “I got carried away, she was,” It was hard for him to say it. “Sc was a good friend.”

“Pfftt, why is it so hard for you to admit it? I would expect it from Lucifer, but,” You tried to cheer him up but he cut you off, shaking his head. “I hurt you and I didn’t realize it.”

“Asmo, stop right there. It's okay, this is the purpose of the whole exchange student program. To build a safe place to connect with everyone.” you reassured him, sensing that he was fighting his guilt.

Tears didn’t stop falling from his eyes, but the hint of a smile was there. What would he do if he were in your place? Surely his words would be very different and yet you don’t seem fake. “Mc, dear, blink three times if Lucifer is forcing you to say that.” Your arms embraced him as you smiled, your laugh was like the promise of forgiveness he needed, he held you stronger than ever to remind himself of what he almost lost.

“Oh! She was a good drinker too, haha!” He murmured in your ear without breaking the hug.

“Asmo, you KNOW humans can't get drunk with demonus.”

“I may have or may not spill a few secrets.” He murmured, both of you looked around, making sure no one else was in the room. Both of you silently agreed that it was best to keep that information out of the older brother’s reach.

He let you go, happily returning to his task, choosing a color and delicately painting your nails. “I saw your eyes and knew something was wrong but I couldn't do anything. I'm so sorry, Mc.” He could imagine his life without you and it looked empty, it looked like his reflection in a lake, if he sank he would end up alone in an endless bottom of frozen water. He couldn’t stop thinking about how close he had been to losing the one person he loved the most.

“Alright, that's enough dear. I forgive you. Stop torturing yourself, you know all that stress will give you wrinkles.” Since Asmo was still busy with your hands, you only smiled at him, laughing a bit when he tried to mask his fear. Finally, he smiled. “You have a special place here, Mc. Here with us and here with me.”

Even after he finished and your nails alternated between a green lime and a soft pink, Asmo remained still, looking at your hands, both embarrassed and shy. “May I kiss you, Mc?” he asked, almost Innocently.

“You may.”

Taglist: @yuumaofc @asmolover1234 @gallantys @prefesro @urminebutidontwantyou @fiveofspades @exrellian @cutestpatoootie @fandumshippr @frenchmess23yo @completelyshatteredbrokenmschf

FINAL PART!!

[lilly-chou-chou]

Your 20's the adult "teenage" years:-

Greetings, as of today in few hours a new year will begin and 2024 the year of dragon 🐉will start, before a new year begins I had few things in my mind that I'd like to talk about.

I have been in my 20's for quiet a while now and I always see huge rave about when you turn 25 a switch in your brain flicks and you see everything differently because 25 is the age when you fully develop your brain... But why does no one talk about the stages that lead up to you being 25?

When I turned 20 life felt so breezy and laid back, I was ready for a new journey and everything seemed so pretty but 21 felt so unhinged, obsolete and scarring plus years after that weren't so pretty either.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can be having the most normal and fun time but then all of sudden I feel like crying and my heart feels so heavy it might just spill out of my chest... I was hanging out with friends in my early 20's it was one of the most fun I ever had but as soon as I got home, I collapsed on the floor and started crying. I didn't know why I was crying or what happened but I just sat there and cried, I had such good friend circle and great family yet why was I crying? Why was I not happy? I felt so weird but tears wouldn't stop at all. That day I still remember I curled up in my bed and slept with a headache that came with crying a lot.

I fear so many things and one of them is never being able to do things ALL the things I love. I have always had a great and long list of occupations I wanted ro do before I die, I always knew want I wanted and how I wanted my life to be and when moving to another country was not in the option I cried and gave up, during that part of my 20's I never listened to encourage words because it felt like nothing could compare with my dreams, I was told I can still study in any European country but it wasn't about different country, it was about how for the first time in my life I had such a huge set back. My eyes we're locked in this one particular country and when I failed to make it there I lost hope. I didn't eat for days, I cried for 5 months straight, I never received sunlight so I had to live off of vitamin D supplements, my hair was falling down due to stress and no vitamin D, I broke ties with all of my friends and relatives, I only talked to my parents. I had no voice I was an insecure pathetic girl.

I always longed to be perfect, I think I might be slowly dying of having a blue heavy heart, I want to be the best but I also want to be unpolished and messy.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year 2024, year of the dragon 🐉 please Chang E bless us with your infinite hope <3 💕✨ om mane pame om.

[rin-and-jade]

Okay, so we've tried several times to write an ask, and each time we just..stop ?? So this time instead of explaining in detail n shit and saying how much we're sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, I'm just gonna write :/

So, we're kind of stuck, in the sense that idk if I'm/we're(both pronouns feel wrong lol) a system anymore and,wdk what to do about it.

Because basically 5-6 years ago, when we were around 10(i think, but at this point i only know the story through the "telephone" of our retellings) our brain tried to just.. get rid of most of the DID. I'm not even ducking kidding, i think it tried to lower barriers and smush most of us together, to the best of it's ability. From what I've gathered, it planned on shoving all our trauma deep down in the innerworlds, and hiding them from the main kid. Like, getting rid of thousands of fragments, banking them in little crevices of our brain etc.

That procedure was supposed to make it so the main kid could have more of their life for them- without access or even knowledge of the sheer size of the abyss and pain in background, and thus being less affected by it till they were old enough to deal with it. Idk how to explain really, especially since i myself barely understand.

In any case, it went wrong. I don't know why much, as our memory has increasingly deteriorated since to the point i have nearly no knowledge left. I'm not sure even all that ever happened, because maybe I'm just inventing stuff and creating a story were there is none, and I'm scared that what i know isn't real and just my imagination or smth

And what's left is..me i guess. I kinda feel like a fragment in the sense that i have limited consciousness and just..person-space(if that makes sense ?) I'm not sure if I'm several people, one person, an eldritch entity of kinda seperate kinda not glued together entities.

Idek what i want to be. I want to be a full person, that's for sure, but other than that ? Idk. I'm lost, I'm a mix of tons of different opinions and vague, weak, feelings, and flashes of blurry memories and desires that don't belong to me.

So.. i know you probably can't help, but do you have.. any idea on what I could do ? Or if others have been in similar situations and if it got better ?

This is a very long ask x knows, and it's desperate, and you aren't our/my psychs so I shouldn't just dump this and hope you have answers, and I'm so sorry if this isn't appropriate to ask, but yeah.

I'm sorry.

Dissociative disorders do the job, but not perfectly, what you're explaining from the words of "nearly no knowledge left" sounds like retrograde amnesia, where it is near to impossible to remember anything from the past.

I also get a bit on what you mean with not knowing who you are,, that is usually close to a blurry moment? Because everything feels jumbled, its not clear, it is hard to discern wether there's multiple or not, etc. That could sound like it;

Have you been exposed to stress? Especially long term? Has anything awful been happening? Many factors can affect memory and recognizing who you are that can stem from basic needs that are neglected like sleep or rest if you're working for long periods, or deficiencies on vitamins/minerals/nutrition because they also play a part on fending off brain fog which can cause many issues like memory recall or trouble focusing,, or it can be to even deeper issues like stress as i said before, or if it is related to trauma, or any sustained physical injuries but it could be anything really.

Im guessing this is something that didn't happen in such a short time, but i do can give you some stuffs to do for starters:

Write down everything you can notice those feelings, those lingering sense of identity, or vibes, or thoughts, they are truly jumbled and it helps you organize and recognize your situation better if you have a physical record of what you're experiencing

Find the cause of problem If you can, try digging up anything you can find that could be the culprit, maybe before things get too foggy to remember that could serve as clues, and by checking with your current health (physically and mentally and emotionally) and see what could be fixed.

For sense of fulfillment It is overwhelming to know which or where you have to start from if you want to learn more of yourself, while you can do number 1 to jot down things you don't align with, this also gives you some ideas on what could be yours. Start somewhere small, like, how you like your daily morning, or preference in eating food, or the colors you think it looks cool.

It would also be great if you can leave out the tiniest bit of context next time, so my answers for now are rather vague and less pinpointed/specific. Though atleast still can suffice as a starting point to tackle your issues.

You can contact me anytime via ask box or DMs, let's see how things go for you okay?

- j

[not-gonna-lose]

Leavanny mail!

Perhaps surprisingly, a certain Leavanny is on a mission today; the second she spots Kieran, she'll gently trill to get his attention and go up to him with a letter and...some kind of drink? Upon closer inspection, it seems to be some kind of drink with extra added vitamins. Huh.

The letter reads as follows, in likely very familiar handwriting. ...Neater than usual, at least--

"Kiki,

I don't know how to start this. I've gotten the gumption to try and write something multiple times, but every time I've tried, it just feels like it's not enough. But I'm going to try.

I want to apologize to you, first off. For...I guess to start, for everything that happened during the Festival of Masks--I lied to you. I...deceived you, whether I thought it was that at the time or not; the only thing I had been thinking of was trying to keep you safe, because I was worried about what could happen to you. I didn't think about anything else, and I never wanted it to spiral out of control so bad that it'd hurt you. But whether I meant it or not, I hurt you deeply, and I want to apologize for that. If I'd known how things could have gone, if I had a bit of faith, maybe things wouldn't have turned out like this.

Which...I guess brings me to this: I'm sorry I thought you weren't strong enough. I'm sorry I never realized just how much I was hurting you. Or coddling you, or--just not letting you get the chance to spread your own wings. I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with, to put it lightly, but the fact that I took all of that out on you--that's wrong. That's so wrong. I thought for the longest time because nobody said anything that it was all okay, but I let my ego get in the way of your own feelings. And I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for ruining your friendship with Juliana, too, because of that. I got so focused on what I thought was needed, without even thinking...

...I don't know what else to say, if I'm going to be honest with you. I keep wanting to bring this to Briar, to Amarys, to someone to make it sound less like a moron who doesn't know what she's doing is writing this, but--I'm sending this to you as is. If you want to read it, feel free to. If you want to just get rid of it...feel free to, too. I screwed up, and I've been screwing up for years, but--if I can't make this truly right, I want to at least apologize from the heart. Or something.

If you ever want to talk...I'm kind of withdrawing from my extracurriculars a bit, but pick the time and place. I'll meet you there. But if you don't, I accept that, too.

...Please take care of yourself, Kiki. I really hope that you beat her.

-Carmine/@ribesrubrum

p.s. Leavanny should have brought you a drink, too. I went with Briar on the mainland and was checking things out--you said you've been having trouble eating, right? I don't know if drinking has become difficult for you too, but I found something that said it's supposed to help with missing nutrients. I don't know if you've tried this already, but...I wanted to help. Or at least try."

Know I haven't really- I haven't... Haven't made it easy, either... Been a real jerk this whole time... I just- I've been tired of it... For a really- Really long time, even before that... Hated just being some- Some scared little kid who couldn't... Couldn't do anything for himself... Or being- Being brushed off that much... Was- Was building up for a long time... That's just- Just what finally did it, I guess...

It all still feels like- Like my own fault, anyways... I shouldn't have... Shouldn't have been such a weakling... I just... Just wish I could've been braver- Been able to speak up more... And been strong enough to- To not let it get to me... Even now, I've still been... Been too much of a coward to talk to you... So I- I'm sorry-

Drinks are- I can still handle that okay... That- That does help... Thank you- I'm really... I'm sorry again- For- For all of this...

[uschi-the-listener]

no solemnity

August 30th 2015

.

.

Only 3 years

a whole 3 years

many, many hours ago

.

we both breathed

the last breath

you ever had

.

watched it go

.

you died like

the gentleman you were

cleanly

quietly

eyes closed

arms crossed

just one long

exhale

soft

.

diagnosed in November

that Thanksgiving

we were not

grateful

not for much

.

but we were wrong

We had till August

to be together

.

you had no one but me

and I had no one but you

and we were together

till August

.

what you needed

I couldn’t give

but I stayed with you

shared your suffering

mitigated what I could

.

and you were loved

enough that I did the

gross stuff

that cancer requires

.

I carried you

and I dropped you

we cried

.

I remember having sex

in October

not the best

because you were sick

and hurting

and we didn’t know yet

.

that was the last time

ever

for me

for you

.

I remember a cheeseburger

last time you ate

we didn’t really like it

neither of us

but we ate together

and didn’t know yet

that it was your last

actual food

.

alka seltzer stopped helping

.

the chemo made it possible

for you to drink a small

drink

and you loved it

last thing you tasted

was vitamin water

you loved it

then the tumors came back

.

ruined everything

.

Last time we went outside

together

.

you knew you were dying

and you knew

I needed a car

so I could survive this

after you

and I did

with the car

you bought me

.

Even then

I didn’t believe

the Universe

could be so cruel

.

I waited for a miracle

you were worth a miracle

.

as with so much in life

you never got one

.

after you died

you lay next to me

on our bed

to help me sleep

.

but you had to leave

going wherever the

spirits of the dead

the beloved dead

go when they go

.

you came to my dreams

for a long time

sat on the bed

listened to my day

helped me learn

about grief

and death

and wordless wailing

all alone

except for

the dream of you

.

You were real once.

You are probably real now

somewhere else.

.

there was fun once

laughter and games

and sillinesss

it wasn’t so serious

no solemnity

.

I hope

if there is

some sort of afterlife

that it’s fun

and silly

full of music

laughter

.

and only solemn

for a very good reason

and hardly ever

.

.

[mochalottie]

My thoughts on the RWRB movie trailer because I get feral about this book and am incredibly picky about details

i've been doubting the chemistry between Alex and Henry and the trailer has given me a tiny bit of hope for what we might get. their smiles, their little looks, the sex scenes (because it will be rated r so no fade to black scenes babes). they work, but it's not quite how I imagined it.

Uma's accent is actually pretty cool. being irish/british i read everything in my head without an accent, so hearing Ellen's 'voice' so to speak is really cool! but if she doesn't give Alex her patented powerpoint presentations i'm going to be upset.

the little look Alex does whilst waiting in line? it's so adorable/such a little shit mood it made me awe a little bit. but the 'how's it going?' with Henry just walking off? that put me off a little. just a tiny bit.

the music works i guess? i mean generic classical music is always going to either be Vivaldi or Handle and it's only the trailer, but i hope they actually get good music.

cakegate is going to be so fucking funny. i can already tell. they got that bit right.

i'm a sucker for small details. but the way that Henry actually turns up for the 'best friend meeting' in the book is so specific. the prince riding up on a horse fresh from a ride through the fields. it's like colin firth in pride and prejudice that's literally how i picture it every time i read it. to replace it with him in a suit driving an admittedly very nice car? with Alex wearing fucking jeans and not his iconic chinos? seriously? also is that shaan??? they haven't gotten rid of him thank god.

the 'my nda's bigger than yours' again is fine?? as a quip?? but the thing about Alex wearing lifts is a good poke at the height differences.

'the sun shine's out his ass and you have a vitamin d defficiancy' YES ZAHRA!!!! the first good quip that had me grinning.

THE CORNETTO SCENE!!! in the wrong clothing again because they're meant to be in cosy relaxing clothes but STILL!!!

HOSPITAL SCENE!!!!! HOSPITAL SCENE THIS IS NOT A DRILL

Henry looks like he's in physical pain at the party, and also Alex's suit no ew where's June when you need her. oh yeah. not here. that's why the costumes are all off XDD

the first kiss scene is perfect. word for word i can't wait to squeal and cry and shriek the roof down.

yes we're getting the karaoke scene. but it won't be with their iconic kimonos. brb gonna go sob for the loss of hoe dameron and prince buttercup.

POLO!!!

yes to Zahra and the closet scene. no to 'Brexit your head from your body' that's just...giving me the heebie jeebies for some reason. yes to 'your royal highness' XD

feel forever about him ughhhhhhhh lemme just sob for a sec

DAVID!!!! <33333 and Prince Henry belongs to England TTTT__TTTT

also I know they probably changed the queen to a king because it would have been in poor taste but now that charles is king that shot is giving off vibes of recent times that are just not good. they should've kept it as a queen and made her look completely different.

We're getting the rain scene!!!!!!! and the lake!!!!!!!!!!!

the ass grabbing? yes it's a very Alex move but mate there's people right behind you

okay but truthfully? seriously? i love this fucking book. i know to most readers it's a silly little romcom with some politics on the side. and that's what we should expect from the film. but to me? this is my favourite fucking book of all time. it was the one that if I became a film director or producer i would have adored to produce. both henry and alex are my comfort gays, but in ways that not many people realise or connect with.

alex realises he's bi in the book. i realised i was bi a few days before reading the book. everything he goes through i related to hard. and having that, that connection to someone who isn't real but very much could be was a godsend through a period of a lot of confusion.

henry lost his dad to pancreatic cancer a few years before the book. i lost my dad to a brain tumour when i was eleven. it will be ten years this year, and the movie comes out a week before his anniversary. that passage where Bea so beatifully describes his grief, the one that begins with 'it happens when you're young' made me sob so much because that's exactly what it feels like. i relate to these characters, i love their little quirks and details. and it's a bit disappointing the changes that have happened as it's adapted to film.

and i know it can't be directly faithful, that there are some things you can't fit in because you have a certain runtime. i know also that the executive producers and companies have a say in how it goes. but there were better ways to change it, better ways to do it rather than handing it over to a streaming service.

this book is so important to me, so i hope at least that when the film does come out on the 11th of August that i will at least kind of enjoy it. i know it won't be what i wished it would be, but at least it's being made.

and who knows, maybe no one will touch boyfriend material and i could make that instead XD

[pos-syscourse]

Saturday Songs!

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees

TW for discussions of suicide, ideation, and death.The video also features emeto, sickness, and severe nosebleeds.

This is one of those classic songs that takes a positive beat to some really genuinely distressing lyrics! The song sounds so uplifting while the lyrics are so depressing...

So many of my friends are suicidal. In fact, I may have lost someone recently due to it. It's been a struggle for me to accept this, especially since I don't know for sure if they're alright or... gone. Systems, in general, have such a high rate of suicidal ideation...

When I first heard this song, I focused heavily on my own ideation. The song was incredibly relatable to me, as both a writer and someone who struggles severely with depression. I believe I heard it first in the throes of some really dangerous depression, with very little sunlight keeping my vitamins up and a lot going wrong around me. I really felt the lyrics very strongly: Maybe this writer's block that I've been perceiving / Is to stop me diving deeply into my internal being. What if the universe is stopping me from doing the things I enjoy because I'll learn I was never good at it in the first place? What if I'm not worth anything?

What if these words I take the time to doll out are pointless?

...

But I know they aren't.

The key thing I think about when I listen to this song now is that... just this video alone has 154k views. One hundred fifty four thousand views. That's so many people who have listened to "the ramblings of a lunatic." There's 194 comments on this video alone, so many of them talking about how they relate.

I'm not alone. This band isn't alone. Nobody is alone in this world.

In those moments when I feel so alone -- like I will never be able to get a grip on all of this bullshit in this world -- I like to remember that there are others who are surviving with me. And lord, have we survived a lot. In the video, it seems like the characters are surviving a lot too. Everything just... reflects back to me my own trauma, my own fight to survive.

I won't pretend otherwise... things are hell. I am losing my friends slowly to the trials of an incredibly hard life. I get friends reaching out on the edge of that cliff and I know I cannot, in the end, do much but offer my words of encouragement and love. I encounter flashbacks of trauma and ramifications of abuse, and while I've made progress, I constantly feel I will never be free of those struggles.

But... I am now approaching my thirties. I am an adult. I have a fiance, a job I love, a family. I reached recovery targets this year, completely accepted a major trauma I've experienced, to the degree that something that used to trigger me severely... doesn't. And I look at my friends, the ones still here, the ones still able to fight, and I know they can do it, because haven't they done so much already? Look at where we are.

Look at how we've grown.

When I hear this song, I hear all of that hope alongside all the pain. I hear the fact that these people, struggling, aching with depression, released such a beautifully relatable song. And I think it's so important to acknowledge the rest of the album this song comes from...

To quote the band... The album is "about coming to terms with the worst parts of your personality – with the things that scare you, with the things that keep you awake at night… with the deaths of your friends, and the slow acceptance that you are deserving of love.”

You are deserving of love. It is slow to accept. But it is always, always true.

My heart goes out to all of us here who feel like our words are wasted, who feel we are not worthy, or feel we ought to simply disappear. We are still here and we can thrive. It is a hard fight, but we are all fighting together.

I hope today is a day you do not have to fight; where you can lay the sword down and not struggle simply to exist. But... if you do have to fight today... know you are not alone.

You are loved. You are not alone.

[wumblr]

running myself ragged in circles all nightshift thinking about my ex again... the tedium of the repetition is really starting to get to me, there's no new ground to be broken so i'm just compacting the dirt at this point, and i know it, but knowing it doesn't stop me. there's a vestigial remnant of him in everything that i'm doing, things that i put off starting, because i knew he wouldn't have the perspective to see past it, if i put on ten pounds eating enough protein to build muscle (the same ten pounds have piled on and fallen off several times since he left but i think he would have seen them when they're there and not noticed when they're absent, while also not recognizing the progress that i have made), if i made selective and obscure changes to my diet to methodically identify what's causing my nutrient absorption problems (you would think this is some kind of virtuous pursuit, right? but he didn't trust my relationship with food, he didn't believe in vitamin supplements, he didn't know riboflavin is a vitamin, he wanted to get all of his essential micronutrients strictly from whole foods, and he probably didn't believe me, or believe my ability to correctly identify a problem with my own body, when i said i didn't think i could process gluten), if i paid off my credit card debt (it's done, but he didn't like that i spent it failing to prevent a new age grifter's homelessness, and he really didn't like that she threw away a gift that i bought for him when i got it delivered to the wrong address, before she got evicted and went to texas, as far as i know. but most of all i think he didn't like that my parents do not have a summer home, and this brought him face to face with the deal he intends to strike with capital, to prevent becoming like me at all costs), if i tried making better music (his suggestion), if i finish the book (he changed toward me after he read the draft, as if it was so stupid and hopelessly pathetic that it was not worth explaining why and the only approach he could take was scorched earth. and anyway i'm working on a different book now)

and i'm having this tug of war like, these are things that would have made him see me as more of a person if i was able to complete them or if i already had, but he was not capable of seeing the midpoint of a process of growth. but even if i had done them perfectly, he wouldn't have stayed. he was never going to stay. because he didn't want me. he wanted a rubber fetishist, ten years younger, from money, looking like a michaelangelo. and that new age grifter threw away my rubber. and he thought being honest about this would prevent it from causing any pain. so we had a few conversations where i could tell he wanted to undo what he had done, but the method he took was by doubling down, and getting offended, and eventually fatigued, and then purposefully cruel, when it didn't have the desired effect, to make me say "oh, i understand everything now. you didn't mean to hurt me, so therefore you can't. my mistake." he would put on this diplomatic voice and say "i hear what you're saying, and that's valid, but this is what i want, so that's what we're doing." and the problem at the heart of it was that i was not, at the time, willing to see myself as worthless the way he did. but what was the point of holding onto my self-worth throughout that if it's gone now? all that for the same end result. and the thing i keep coming back to is that he could have gotten what he wanted -- rid of me -- without being needlessly cruel. all that for the same end result. so essentially i held onto a thing i was going to lose to withstand a thing that wasn't necessary. all that for the same end result. anyway that's what i've been ruminating on for twelve hours at the factory so i hope when y'all get y'all credit cards and gift cards and healthcare cards and shit this holiday they're imbued so strongly with this that they burn you

[swanqueengranger-writes]

Hey all,

I’ve had some comments and questions recently about No Other Shade of Blue but You and where I’ve been/how I am. I am actively still working on NOSoBbY - this work will never be abandoned. Many of you know I’ve been battling health issues and one in particular has been causing problems. I’ve sat with it for a long while and I am a firm believer that darkness, even personal, dies in the light, so it’s time to just share.

At the end of last year, after going numb on my entire body multiple times and experiencing cognitive issues, I underwent a brain MRI and my doctor was incredibly concerned when it came back abnormal. The scan showed that my brain “looks like that of an 80 year old” according to my doctor. I’m 42, so that’s incredibly alarming. What that meant was the white matter demyelination in my brain was incredibly, alarmingly high. She isn’t aware if it’s a direct result of COVID, MS, or early onset cognitive decline of some kind.

Regardless, it’s there.

I was referred to neurology and scheduled to have an appointment in October of 2024. Exactly one year from the MRI date. I can’t begin to discuss the disgusting, debilitating feeling of knowing something is seriously wrong, my doctor being incredibly worried, but neurology saying, “Sorry, we’re that backed up” because of COVID.

Since then, I have had increasing cognitive issues with losing words and thoughts, as well as difficulty remembering things I’ve just taken part in. It’s scary to say the least, but through it all, I continue to do what I have always done. I now do cognitive workouts of sorts to help, take vitamins, and try to get plenty of sunshine when I can. I’m already working with my energy healer and medicinal plants.

All of this to say that I’m still here - I promise. I’m still trying to write NOSoBbY actively but some days it’s harder than others. Sometimes simply because I am saddened by the fact that this brick wall is seemingly inscalable.

But, through it all, I keep looking for ways around it. I’ve been actively recording scenes on my phone as I think of them, so I can listen to those and write them. I have a good portion of the next chapter finished and I’m excited to see reactions to it, but I’ve got to push off the resistance that my own brain is going through.

I had a lovely conversation with a reader this week and it touched my heart so much that I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep on going. So, today and this weekend I am attempting to finish that chapter.

I will ask that you please bear with me and my writing style as it may have changed a bit. I’m not sure. I actively do go back and reread so I can immerse myself back into the world that I love very much to ensure I catch everything I’ve already planted. I hope you enjoy it and I hope you keep on keeping on through the things in your lives that are trying to stop you.

Know that I’m here for each and every one of you and that your comments, check-ins, and messages mean everything to this determined woman. We all have to be there for each other. That’s something in fandom that I know is irreplaceable and unable to be found in many other places. So, that said, let’s all don our climbing gear together to scale our brick walls. I’ve got you if you need help with yours.

Much ❤️ to all of you,

Swanqueengranger

[stardustedknuckles]

So I woke up to the power out. No storm. No indication of a fried squirrel. I sent a very carefully worded text to my dad who lost his job last month asking if the utilities had gone through, and seemed like they had. With no computer to work on and nothing to shield my ears from the sounds of the cats self administering their morning baths with gusto, I decided to go for a walk.

Now. I'm of the belief that there's nothing wrong with leaving the door unlocked for ten minutes to walk around the block. My father, who believes every stranger is a potential threat, drilled it into me early on in our move here that the front door needs to be locked on every walk, no matter how short (unless it's to the mailbox). He has a doorbell camera, so he knows if I don't. Whatever. I lock the door. I don't have to bring my keys (which was the biggest reason I left the door unlocked) since he got a keypad for the garage door. I can come back in that way and have for about three years.

Well. Those require power.

I pulled the front door shut behind me this morning and immediately cringed. My heat intolerant ass was outside, legs already feeling weak, without a wallet, morning vitamins, water, or food, and no knowledge whether the QT a mile away would take tap to pay on my phone (which I had to set up as soon as I got to the park, and thank the gods my cashapp card has an app function that lets you see its information so I COULD set up tap to pay).

I've busted the door open at my mom's with a credit card a few times and figured I could probably do it our front door, if I only got a card. It was 8 in the morning though, and I wasn't sure who was up.

(On the way to the park I passed a lady getting into her car with a giant dog. On the way back, I saw her front door was open about a foot and two cats were outside. I stopped and called out into the house. No response. I knocked, called again. Nobody home. The cats went inside. I shut her door. I really hope those were her cats.)

My nosy neighbor was out and about to leave, and though it would cost me friendly grilling about my life, my dad's life, and any potential lives that might intersect with ours, I thought she might have a credit card she didn't care about. She at least had a dog, which I got to pet while she explained she doesn't carry any cards she doesn't use and she doesn't give her information to credit card companies because big data is coming for us all.

She's not entirely wrong, but the faded trump/pence bumper sticker on her truck had my visibly queer ass nodding a bit more enthusiastically than I might otherwise.

When I finally extricated myself from her (no, I'm still not interested in essential oils, I have allergies to them, thank you for thinking of me, uh-huh, you too!) I checked the mail. I've been home alone Monday through Friday for weeks since dad got a new job and took the car, and I'm not very good at keeping up with the mail, so I hoped to find one of those fake cards they send you in hopes you'll call and get a real one. No dice. I was proud of myself for that idea and everything.

By then, we were hitting the low seventies and the morning mist was dissipating. The sun wasn't fully out yet, but it was unmistakably warmer, and me in my pants with an antihistamine in me from yesterday (they cause greater heat intolerance). There was a man loading his truck a couple driveways down. Never met him before, but I'd seen him. I approached, gave him my name, and sheepishly relayed the morning to him. Thankfully everyone else's power was out too, so I didn't sound too much like I was asking for him to aid and abet a break-in.

He agreed to help but wanted to be the one to do it - as in, "I'll walk with you" and didn't want my paws on his card. He gave the front door a really good try, but privately I still feel like he gave up before he could get it. Still, I was grateful for him ruining a card trying to help me and we tried the shittier door that led to the inside of the garage. Deadbolted. Goddammit dad.

Fast forward to him showing me a trick on the sliding glass door with a screwdriver - we had built up something of a friendly bond through adversity by then, though I never did get his name - which didn't work but reminded me that even though I'm really careful to lock windows (no cracks for spiders to get in that way) I might have left the kitchen window unlocked from when I opened it for my cat. We both tried using the bricks of the house to hop up and see if the latch was shut before we would try prying off the screen.

The latch was shut, and as I dropped back defeated onto the cracked concrete slab that could and had been very generously described by realtors as a patio, hot and starting to sweat, I put my hands on my hips and squinted up into the yellow porch light. And in a very rare DC 10 perception check, I REALIZED what I was seeing.

I must've made a noise, because neighbor guy looked to me with a little confusion. I pointed. He looked, tipped his head, processed. His whole face cleared. He wasn't the sort to laugh easy - gruff, built like an electric foreman, which is to say like my stepfather - but he shook his head with a little smile and made sure I could get in the garage before pushing up the bill of his cap with a finger and wandering off back to his day with his screwdriver.

My day hasn't even started yet. The email my dad (2.5 hours away) forwarded me before my walk estimated it would be four hours before the power came back. I knew it wouldn't take that many, but I didn't dare hope it would only take two. I told my supervisor then that I would keep her updated and I've still got two hours before that time hits. I spent half of one writing this, and I'm going to take ten more to eat something, and then I'll hop online and get busy.

But man. What a morning.

[loumarch]

if you have tips on surviving that kind of meltdown please share!!!

hi anon! i hope you're doing well. about having a meltdown, i think it's important to consider:

what are you feeling? what are the symtoms? this may help you understand if you need medical help (there's nothing wrong with that). i felt anxious (cause i had to juggle a lot of things), depressed (cause some of those things had no meaning to me, and i wasn't able to enjoy other things because of my routine), i was sleep deprived and always in a bad mood. i went to see a doctor, started taking my vitamins and insomnia meds and i'm doing much better now

where is it coming from? what's bothering you, in other words. this way, it's clear to see what you have to work on or what boundaries you may feel the need to set. for me, it was about family drama, not enjoying my job anymore and feeling isolated. therefore, i no longer speak to some of my family members, also had the privilege to quit my job (i know not everyone can do that) and therapy has been helping with social and emotional issues

if you need to make a difficult decision and don't know what to do, try to list the advantages and disadvantages of each of your options. the way i see it, we reach our limit because we feel uncertain about what to do in order to solve a problem (therefore, we do nothing and things get worse)

watch out for escapes from reality and not to go over your limit. by that, i mean know yourself and your escape mechanisms (alcohol, for instance). ask for help or help yourself, before reaching this point, if possible. if you need to take a leave of absence from uni/work, do it. talk to people you trust. take a day off to be outside, if you can. step away from the work to be done! it'll be done, but you have to be ok first. take your time restabilizing yourself

be brave and do what's best for you. no one else knows what your job is like, no one else knows how much time and energy uni is demanding from you. no one else knows how you're feeling. i know what it's like to put everything first, but only "perfect me" (my ideal version of myself, who only exists in my dreams) can do everything; there's only so much the real me can do, one day at a time, and that's ok

these are the things that helped me the most, i hope this helps you too

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, your therapist red flag post made me send this ask.

I feel like I fundamentally fail at introducing myself to a therapist. When I was 17 I visited two therapists during the same month for one meeting and one kicked me out because she accused me of being healthy but lying and the other one called the psychiatry (though I said no) to pick me up.

I am now 21 and guess what. I am looking for a therapist again. And the first meeting in September told me "You are healthy, just a lack of vitamins" and the therapist two hours ago told me "You need to go to psychiatry immediately! You will not be able to do a therapy, you will never be able to do a therapy without visiting the psychiatry first."

I told her "No" I don't want to because as a young teen I was in psychiatry and I still have flashbacks from that. And I don't think I "won't be able to do therapy", I don't feel particularly bad and not even remotely as bad as back as a teen, when I really went to psychiatry.

But, I told both the same story (and during them I visited two other therapists who told me, they aren't the right person for me), how can they see so different things in it? Why do I apparently suck so much at telling a consistent story?

I know I seem more down when I visit a therapist for the first time, I hate meeting new people, and I live so remotely that it most times took me hours to get there. But I have like most average issues, depression, socialphobia and a bit of trauma. It's not rocket science.

Therefore it most be the way that I introduce myself, that sucks. How can I do better? I mean I tell everything revelant, it's not that. But maybe the way I explain it... I don't know. But I am desperate because in 9 months nobody wanted to treat me and there aren't indefinitely therapists in my area.

And do you maybe have resources how to treat myself because I am losing all hope ever finding a therapist...

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about your negative experiences with therapists. I think when you have experiences like this it can be easy to feel like there's something wrong with you, but please know that every therapist you mentioned was the one out of line.

You can be "healthy" and in therapy. I believe that everyone has something to work on in therapy. Even just having a professional to vent to can be helpful. I would imagine it's quite hard to tell if a client is healthy but lying just in a single session, and even so, confronting that client about it would depend on building rapport first. And even if someone truly lying about issues they don't have, it still indicates some underlying issue that could be explored in therapy. So perhaps this therapist was making some kind of excuse.

It's also worth emphasizing that therapists are not allowed to give direct suggestions or commands. One of the main goals of therapy is to develop self-reliance, so enabling a dependent relationship on the therapist (where the therapist tells them what to do, instead of getting them to think about what they should do) is counterintuitive. Therapists can also be held liable for making direct suggestions or giving advice as that may backfire. Part of your therapist's main focus should be on your autonomy as well. I'm curious what context led her to insist you should be admitted.

It sounds like you've experienced two extremes, one where a therapist insists you don't need therapy and another that insists you be admitted to a psych ward. I'm not your therapist so I don't feel right saying neither of them are right since I'm missing much context. But both of them seemingly had some kind of issue with their own relationship with their role as a therapist.

It's quite natural to have different conversations with different therapists, and that can depend on their own modalities, styles, experience, and approach. There's a well-known experiment done in the 60s where a client named Gloria agreed to have 3 different recorded 20min sessions with 3 different therapists, each one with unique modalities that they founded. Mostly due to the therapist's approach, Gloria talked about different things with each therapist.

All this to say, I know I'm missing some necessary context, but based on what you've shared, it sounds like these interactions had more to do with the therapists than you. I know that experiences like these can discourage you from continuing the search for the right therapist, but as someone who had to bounce around before finding the perfect fit, I can say it's incredibly rewarding to keep trying. But that being said, there's no rush. I wish you the best of luck in finding the right match.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun