#i wanted to do it as a thesis and my prof really liked it but it was too niche and nobody could supervise me.

[corviiids]

woke up this morning and my immediate first half-asleep thought was "could i post an academic paper on ao3"

[lambentplume]

my UI lit review just makes me want to make games

[living-ironically]

huge w for all talkative girlies today!!

[tardis--dreams]

Favorite message i got from my professor/boss/second ba examiner today: Professor [supervisor] told me you want to go to China - can you tell me more about your plans?

How am i supposed to ever recover from this

[roofermadness]

this article (skip paywall link) is a fucking trip. i understand humans better and worse than before.

the thesis: some people not only don't care about politics; they don't care about facts. to a certain subset of people, "no thoughts; just vibes" is a way of life. take, for example, the opening anecdote about a woman in georgia who posted a basic fact check on a friend's facebook post that alleged that chili's and other restaurant chains are on their deathbeds. we've all seen some stupid misinformation, but what sent chills down my spine was a comment from the friend who posted the rumor (bolding mine):

“I love Monica,” he told me. “But I think Monica goes directly to sources of information.” This, he suggested, was not the right approach. “Use common sense,” he went on.

how on earth, i wondered, could this guy consider seeking out information a character flaw?!

then i saw this terrifying little nugget from a poli sci prof who studied low-info voters (defined by someone who couldn't answer two out of three very basic civics questions):

Low-information voters, he found, are more likely to embrace stereotypes of other groups, and less likely to fact-check claims made by politicians. [...] He came across a metric in psychology called the “need for cognition” scale. “A question that really caught my attention on the scale is an agree or disagree: ‘Thinking is not my idea of fun,’ ” Fording recalled. He and a colleague ran a study to see whether agreement with the statement correlated with support for Trump. It did.

(it's crucial to note, as fording does in the next paragraph, that this doesn't mean they're stupid, just that they don't get much pleasure out of learning new things. the article also cites examples of how this phenomenon can be subject-specific and position-agnostic. it also isn't limited to conservatives, as demonstrated frequently on this piss-on-the-poor website.)

but the article reminded me of the 2016 episode of this american life (the whole thing is worth a listen; it's a harbinger of what we are seeing play out eight years later) in which ira glass interviews his obama-hating uncle. ira debunks and fact-checks his uncle's stream of misinformation and plain lies, but provable facts prove uncompelling to him. this is the pithiest example:

Uncle Lenny: This guy-- he wants to have one country of North America, which is composed of Canada, the United States, and part of Mexico, if not all of Mexico. That's why the existing laws, which dictate that border trespassers shall be deported, he chooses to ignore. Ira Glass: Well, no, he actually deported 2.5 million people. More than any other president. Uncle Lenny: I don't believe that, Ira, for one minute. I don't believe that.

ira glass's conclusion, in his words: "facts do not have a fighting chance against this right-wing fable."

confirmation bias makes sense to me. not seeking out information from lack of interest makes sense to me. falling prey to misconceptions widely accepted in your community makes sense to me. what i find incomprehensible is sheer incuriosity. not only do some people lack critical thinking skills; they find thinking actively unpleasant.

so yeah. apparently some folks run on no thoughts, just vibes. not sure whether i feel more enlightened or depressed.

[ludi-ling]

Woooooow... just saw ep 9 of X'Men 97. I may not like all of their choices, but damn do they go hard and I appreciate the execution of it. The last minute was soooo much wow. Prof X mind controlling Magneto, Magneto helmeting him and about to kill him, Wolverine stabbing Magneto and Magneto un-adamantiuming Wolvie...wooooow...

I do not know what they're going to do next. I knew Rogue would go to Magneto based on her costume alone. That's the OG terrorist Rogue/villainous Rogue costume. I might not love that decision of her going to Magneto... but based on what's happened, it makes sense. And omg, her wearing Remy's trench coat? Cryyyying. The one thing I can see with Rogue going back to the X-Men is Magneto wanting to kill Deathbit because Deathbit is dangerous.

Because I still believe Remy is coming back. I cite X-Treme X-Men and everything Rogue says to bring him back. Absolute Points? Nexus Events? They don't matter. X-Men make their own miracles. I literally said this as my thesis for why Gambit is coming back and then hours later the panel appeared on my feed lol.

One more week of me screaming, crying and throwing up.

Rogue is pissed. She's had to face a trauma she hasn't had to ever face before. I can completely understand this trajectory she's walking. It makes sense for the arc that her character is going through in this universe. The bit where she handed back the trench coat though? That killed me.

Gambit will come back. It's just a matter of how and when. I can't believe people truly think he's going to stay dead. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I truly appreciate this series for taking something we all loved as kids and spinning it into an adult story. I know it's hard - literally everyone is miserable in this show - but damn, I suppose that's life. And I guess it's hard for some fans to accept the turn this show has taken when we all expected the gentle fluff of Romy in TAS. What Romy have had so far in XM97, and eventually will have, is something far more adult and something I'm far more interested in than the non-committal flirting we got in TAS.

Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of things in XM97 I don't agree with or like. But on the whole I think it's done a really good job in (let's face it) a short amount of time of achieving something smart and thought-provoking and visceral despite its flaws. I'm actually kind of excited to see what happens next. I'm ready to be disappointed again, but I'm ready to be pleasantly surprised too.

At the very least, it has got me inspired to write Romy again. A LOT of the heartache and anger and admiration I have felt watching the show I have channelled into writing The Tailor & The Seamstress, and it's been the first time I've been genuinely excited about fic in a while. So I have a lot to thank the show for, despite all the anxiety and angst it's given me.

[all2angels]

Elle, bestie. Please. I’m dying. 

Haven’t stopped about teacher Mx Way (Firefly) mentoring me for my thesis. They’re being so, so supportive. So, so kind. Really want to help me and motivate me to write a good thesis and get my degree. Their methods might be slighty unusual. But they only want to make me happy. Make me relax and feel good so I can focus. Nothing wrong with that, right? (They’re so, so submissive. So, so desperate to please me and make me feel good.)

Mayday.

... heyy!! AJSJSJS this has been sitting in my inbox for so long ahhshs im sorry fr!! i wrote like a short fic abt this ask i remember but it was bad so i scrapped it 💀 anyway here's a rewrite! IT'S SHORT I'M SORRY!!

mx. way is the type of prof that jus' want the best for their students. given, some people might think that her ways are a little inappropriate, but where's the harm in doing so?

i mean, they're pretty sure that you enjoy when they go down on you! you make pretty noises that reassure them that they're doing a great job. but, just in case they'll ask multiple times if they're doing a good job of pleasuring you.

but make sure to keep your focus on your thesis and not on them, though. mx way would say, "just forget i'm even here. focus on writing, focus on feeling good."

of course, it is a slight challenge to keep your eyes off them. they're so pretty like this, below you, looking at you with their soft eyes and admiring you work 🥹

who doesn't love a professor that prioritizes their student's feelings? and rewards them once they reach such a big achievement (like finishing your paper?) by giving them a show afterwards!

[hit-song-showdown]

My favorite songs of 2023

I am putting together my favorite songs released in 2023. I started off doing a project where I listened to as many new albums as I could (and recording my findings in a spreadsheet), but that project tapered off around June when my move + school year started. But even though I wasn't able to listen to every album that came out, I still came out of 2023 with some of my favorite musical projects of all time. Also as another disclaimer: I am not a professional music writer.

I am also limiting this list to 1 song per album/project.

1. Scaring the Hoes by JPEGMafia and Danny Brown. I wish I could go back and experience again what happened to my brain when I first heard this track so I could properly convey it with text. When I first saw this project was announced, I knew it would take over my life. When I heard this track before the album was released, I knew I would have to form some kind of religion around it. The reason why I'm limiting this list to one track per album is because Scaring the Hoes has 14 tracks so I wouldn't be able to fit them all (other songs I would have given the number 1 spot include Burfict!, Shut Yo Bitch Ass Up/Muddy Waters, God Loves You, and Kingdom Hearts Key). But the title track is the perfect introduction. It's less of a single and more of a thesis statement for the entire project. The production throughout this album is incredible, but STH hits different. The rhythmic, almost menacing handclaps (fun fact: those aren't handclaps--that's the sound my asscheeks make when this song comes on) and the horn sample which I can only describe as Blood Money era Tom Waitsian, it is by far my favorite beat of 2023. Combined with Danny and JPEG's charisma and the way they bounce back and forth, this song is a shot of adrenaline straight to the heart. Also I saw them live and that experience elevated a 10/10 to a 20/10 for me.

2. Prof. Aronnax' Descent into the Vast Oceans by Ahab. I started seriously listening to German nautical funeral doom metal band, Ahab around early 2022 so this was the first new release I got to experience. Even though I loved what I heard previously, nothing could have prepared me for this. The opening track is everything I want from a doom metal song. It starts out with a frantic onslaught of screaming and inhuman growls before mellowing out into a serene instrumental before the mournful vocals kick in. It really feels like the initial shock of your body slamming into the water, then having to slowly drift among the waves as your muscles give out and you're taken deeper into the depths. That's what I like about doom metal: it's music to decay to. This track (and by extension this album) hooked me from a story-telling perspective right away, which shouldn't be a surprise as it was based on Jules Verne's Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea. The story presented in this album intrigued me so much that I had to read the book for myself. Then I read it again. Then I read two different translations. Now I'm working on a visual novel adaptation. I know metrics for album rankings are subjective, so I'm willing to give an album an extra bump if it gets me to read a 19th century novel at least five times in less than two months and learn Python coding. (Other tracks I would have included: the album is at its strongest as a single listening experience, but I especially enjoyed Mobilis in Mobili and Ægri Somnia).

3. What A Man by Debby Friday. This is a track off of Nigerian-Canadian electronic musician Debby Friday's first album Good Luck and holy shit, what a debut. This is such a well-formed project I can't believe it. I was already enjoying the album throughout the first few tracks. It brought me back to listening to 2000s club music and thinking "wow I wish I got invited to parties." But then I got to What A Man and the world screeched to a halt. I think I was posting on my main blog at the time, so anyone unfortunate enough to follow me had a chance to see my incoherent screeching in real time. This track is incredible. Debby's warm and sultry voice, the spacey production, THE ELECTRIC GUITAR? The first time the guitar kicks in, that's just a teaser for what ended up being one of my favorite music moments of the year. The electric guitar feels like an oncoming storm and Debby is standing strong before it, taking on the wind and rain as her voice becomes louder and almost yearning. Then the song builds with Debby yelling to the high heavens as the guitars wail around her before fading back down into the low bass and rhythmic breathing motif found throughout the album. This track is an experience, and the music video is gorgeous too (the picture I chose for the banner is from the video itself) and the fact that it has less than 20K views hurts me. (Other tracks I would have included: I Got It, So Hard To Tell, Let U Down)

4. Bite Back by Algiers (ft. billy woods and Backxwash). Speaking of songs that build... This is the sixth track off of Algiers' album, Shook and by this point I was already feeling pretty good about the release. I was already prepared to put the opening track, Everybody Shatter on my top 20, but when Bite Back kicked in, something changed. Here's a recreation of my initial reaction: "this sounds pretty good, I like the way this intro...is that billy woods??") Just to be transparent: billy woods' involvement would have been enough to give this an automatic top slot for me, but it helps that his verse is fantastic. His flow is slower than the introductory verse, but that only makes his lyrics stand out more. From the opening lines "One hand wash the other, they both wash the face / Centrifugal force and inertia keep everything in its place / Slowly, spinning in space, speeding, lead foot on the brakes" I knew I was in for something special. One thing I really appreciate about this track is the production. billy woods has a very steady flow with an almost menacing quality to it depending on the subject matter of the lyrics, and the beat shifts during his verse to reflect that. It sounds like it could be a billy woods beat, but it doesn't sound like one of his beats was carelessly shoved into an Algiers song. It's like the beat ebbs and flows with the artists involved. The production gets gradually more intense as billy picks up more ferocity in his delivery. A detail I really like is when billy says "claws rattling, delicate as roaches' wings," the percussion on the backing track picks up an almost rattling quality, but it doesn't sound corny or too obvious. Then billy continues, the backing track picking up even more intensity until it feels like each noise is blasting at full power...and then the tension releases and settles down with Algiers frontman, Franklin James Fisher, delivering the second verse. His delivery contrasts wonderfully with billy woods' too, with his faster, almost whispered vocals allowing the track to pick up momentum again after the previous release of tension. This track knows when to breathe and it's fantastic. But it also knows when to take the air from your lungs as Fisher goes all out with the vocals in the hook and third verse, reinstating what an absolute powerhouse vocalist he is. And just when the track is at its peak ferocity, in comes Backxwash with the steel chair! If billy and Fisher were allowing the beat to gradually shift under their performances, Backxwash grabs the song by the throat and makes it do whatever she wants. Her verse then trades off into Fisher delivering the outro, operating at full power in his delivery. This song is so well-crafted and none of the artists feel out of place. (Other tracks I would have included: Everybody Shatter, A Good Man, Irreversible Damage)

5. Billions by Caroline Polachek. As of writing this, I haven't been keeping up with other people's year end lists, but I know this album is going to make everyone else's. So I feel a bit intimidated to talk about it, but I will try. The production on this album is so good my brain can't even comprehend how it was crafted. I've seen it described as "maximalist," but that doesn't fully capture how well this album knows when to pull back and let the tracks breathe. Billions is one of the more sparse tracks compared to some of the others, but that only makes each production decision stand out more. The second time Caroline says "give me the closure," you hear a little musical sting in the background (probably some kind of synth, but at first listen I thought it was an electric guitar) which didn't show up after the first time that lyric was sung. It's that attention to detail and letting the production build on itself that makes this project incredible. And it goes without saying that Caroline is an outstanding vocalist. She sounds like a siren. It's ridiculous. (Other tracks I would have included: Welcome to My Island, I Believe, Hopedrunk Everasking)

6. The Black Seminole by Lil Yachty. Opening track off of Lil Yachty's psychedelic rock album, Let's Start Here, and what an opening track on a fantastic project. It should be clear by this point that I love songs that build, and holy shit does this song build. I first listened to this album while I was on a plane, and this track synced up with my takeoff. So while the plane was lifting off the ground and I was being pressed against my seat, Lil Yachty gave the final line before the electric guitars and the female vocalist kicked in, both wailing with equal ferocity. Top 10 music experiences of the year, but even going back to listen to that same track when I'm not on an airplane delivered the same euphoric experience. (Other tracks I would have included: Drive Me Crazy, Should I B, We Saw the Sun)

7. Xena by Skrillex and Nai Barghouti. I debated whether to put this song or Hydrate on the list, but Xena was the first track that made me fall in love with this album. With vocals by Palestinian singer, Nai Barghouti, Skrillex delivers an absolutely outstanding dubstep track. Like Billions, it's the kind of music production that makes me have to step back and fully appreciate the craft. The song is incredible at building intensity, but he also knows when to pull back to let the tension build again. And Barghouti isn't just a feature--she is the heartbeat of this song. Her voice melds with the production so well, but in a way that sounds like she's commanding it. My absolute favorite part of the song is when she starts singing in her lower register as the production turns to more naturalistic instruments. Sometimes I see electronic producers robbing their singers of their voices for the sake of cohesive production, but that isn't the case here. Nai Barghouti's voice is crisp, unique, and perfect. It's a fantastic melding of producer and vocalist that makes way more sense than it should. (Other tracks I would have included: Hydrate, Rumble, Ratata)

8. Babylon by Bus by billy woods and Kenny Segal. I already talked about billy woods, but he was a feature so this still counts. Everything I already said about billy woods' skills applies here as well, especially now that he has full control over the track. billy's flow sounds both effortless, and that he knows the perfect word to use for each line. And he uses interesting words. "Glistening waterbug on clean counter / Plague mask, gave the place a cursory glower / He ran away, I gave chase but gave up and sat on his gate for hours" I love this series of bars. He is a storyteller. And then, the beat pauses after billy's first verse, with low menacing notes, a clattering of naturalistic metallic percussion, and then the switch up??? Seriously the way the beat ramps up for SkrapKnel's verses takes the song to another level. The way the Curly Castro and PremRock pass the mic back and forth to each other is outstanding. This doesn't feel like a guest verse; this is a fully realized project. The shamelessness is even more apparent when billy takes the mic again for the final verse, but now with more ferocity in his delivery as if he's building off of the energy created by SkrapKnel. This song is masterful. "I take care of these words, Munchausen by proxy / Somehow beat the tox screen / God save the queen, but that train doesn't stop here anymore" (Other tracks I would have included: FaceTime, Year Zero, Soft Landing)

9. Drain You Empty by Cannibal Corpse. I listened to this album right around midterms and I needed it. But this was the song I kept coming back to. For one, it's fun. Obviously: it's Cannibal Corpse. But I love the way the song opens with a full minute of just blasting you before the drums, riffs, and screams really kick in. Good god the drumming on this album is so good. I absolutely love Corpsegrinder's delivery on this track. The way he shifts from bellowing growls to shrieks, the way he speeds up his delivery to match the pace of the drums, it's so good. I'm sorry I don't have a better analysis. It's fun. (Other tracks I would have included: Chaos Horrific, Overlords of Violence, Blood Blind)

10. Crossing Guard by Model/Actriz. This is a song that made me wish I went to gay clubs more. Yes, it's a killer dance song, but what draws me in is how chaotic the production is. It starts out slow and quiet, then bam! The production starts screeching at you in a glorious onslaught of noise, held together with a fantastic bassline. I love the vocalist too. He can be monotone and subtle, but he also knows how to raise his voice to match the ferocity of the production. I listened to this song countless times last year (often while crossing the street and trying not to get hit by cars), and the line "Like Germanotta, Stefani / Pull the weight from under me" will be stuck in my head forever. (Other tracks I would have included: Donkey Show, Amaranth)

[tiddiesoutwhenthetisout]

tag from @babyrdie and @greekmythologylover234 .

been a lot of tag games recently huh! thanks for remembering me 🤣

9 people you want to know better

i don't know enough people on here, but i'll be tagging @amnesiaa-on-ice @akhillaous @whorewhouse @naurumii @elnbnt @peggy-sue-reads-a-book

here are the questions to copy-paste:

three ships

first ship

last song

last tv show

currently reading

currently watching

currently eating

currently craving

my answers to them are under the cut so only those who are interested will be reading it (because i'll be yapping) lol

three ships

- patrochilles (duh; probably going to be my favorite, if i'm honest)

- kavetham (admits this semi-shamefully because the rest of the fandom is ass-- but i've left it. glad i did because the recent toxic community will never do me any good. i stressed, i die. simple. was a huge hyperfixation for a year or so though.)

- vashwood (it's been a while, but i really got obsessed with them and the show. watched 1997 once, stampede 3 times, not inclusive of the scattered episodes)

first ship

tbh no idea. it may or may not be solomon and saya from blood+ (great show great show) but i was around 7 when this happened and was just tagging along with whatever my sister had to say about things like these? i'm not a super shippy person either-- i'm not big on these things and certainly a lot less when i was younger. didn't have a lot of interest in couples prolly bc i had no idea what difference it had with friendship. just that you kiss and fuck or something. and i thought that was weird, or well, nothing much to it.

i guess you could say that the first pairing i've ever wanted to defend was zuko and katara from ATLA 🤣 nowadays i understand mai and zuko's relationship and i think it's pretty sweet, but back then i was fixated on zutara chemistry so whee🕺

last song

i haven't been playing music recently since i've been over at my partner's, but "done for" from epic the musical has been playing in my head since i woke up so there's that lol

last tv show

we were looking through netflix for an "easy" show to watch for dinner and got through 2 episodes of the exploding kittens show 🤣 played the game a lot when we got it, plus fond memories of things that happened whilst prompted us to check it out. it's an american tv show i guess, and i've never really vibed with those so it was alright, i guess. the kitties were cute.

currently reading

nothing. finished madeline miller's circe 3 days ago or so, though. my odyssey reading has been suspended for 2 weeks now but i guess it's because i'm pretty much kept up on the plot from randomly reading shit about it on the internet? i'm generally more of a "how did the story go?" person when i get into a book unless i become super obsessed with it. then, i'll dive into the nuances of text and its analysis. which hasn't been happening recently. i'll probably be balls-deep in academic text soon considering i haven't been a good student (our research adviser told us to start doing our thesis papers over the summer holiday so the process will be smoother... guess i'll be disappointing the prof who actually likes me ✊)

currently watching

nothing. finished castlevania (as well as the released season of nocturne) last month and i think that's my quota for shows for a while lol.

currently eating

fast food because the rain started pouring so hard. in time for lunch or so. it was a sign from the lord to spend and have a good time because the world might end tomorrow or something.

currently craving

the other items on the menu i didn't order- kidding lmao. a calzone for some reason, as well as a fizzy drink i usually get from a local cafe run by a nice old lady and youth on the drinks. ok, now i want her pesto sandwich.

ight i'll just eat now brb

[ante--meridiem]

Weird uni drama under cut? I don't know how to describe this tbh except I have weird feelings about a situation that doesn't concern me at all. tl;dr I've been very jealous of a guy I was convinced would get to continue at the uni I'm currently studying at. He didn't. I am simultaneously upset on his behalf and guilty for the jealousy and perplexed that he didn't.

So. I have not posted about this much except once when we were in a study group together to complain about him bc the way he interacted with the rest of us came off as low key condescending to me, but there's this guy who's been in almost all my classes (we even took the same reading course where we were the only two there) who I'd describe maths-ability-and-interest-profile-wise - and also ability to sell that and get people to like/respect him wise - as "me, but better". Even though I applied internally where I'm currently studying I was pretty confident there was no chance I'd get an offer because this guy was going for the exact same grants I was and was clearly the better candidate and already seemed to be friends with the potential supervisors and regularly had in depth conversations with them. In fact I would have bet on the fact that a specific supervisor had already decided she wanted him before the interviews even happened just based on their interactions.

Anyway. I did indeed not get the position or even an interview here, but I did somewhere else which I've been riding a high about ever since and honestly I like the supervisor and topic there way better than what I'd have been doing if I stayed here. I also spent the last two years nursing a one sided rivalry with him on account of the whole thing where he was doing the exact things I was doing But Better and applying to the positions I wanted, and also because the way he talked to the rest of the study group felt condescending/demeaning that first time (which, going by what I've seen of him later, I'm now pretty certain he had no awareness or intention of coming off that way; he's genuinely really nice when not explaining things in a way that feels like talking down to us).

Well. Today I overheard him talking with his girlfriend and it sounds like he didn't get the position either, or have a backup plan. Which has me reeling because while I've spent all this time been jealous/resentful for the fact that he seemed like such a sure choice, I also fully concede that it would've been completely fair for him to be a sure choice, he really is that good and had absolutely everything going in his favour (I also overheard in that conversation confirmation of my suspicion that he has perfect grades (no I wasn't eavesdropping they were talking loudly in the corridor I study in) but I don't just mean grades I mean. A ridiculously long masters thesis with many original results, ability to carry conversations where he asks interesting questions and makes interesting observations and it's clear he Knows His Shit, liked and well known by all relevant profs, extensive teaching experience - everything). So now I feel simultaneously guilty for all the resentment and weirdly pissed off/upset on his behalf because he absolutely should have gotten the position! I of course cannot say for sure he was the best candidate since I don't know all the external candidates but I find it hard to imagine he wasn't! I know a lot of it is luck etc but it seems so unfair that I got picked somewhere and he didn't (even if it's probably only because he sent out fewer applications).

[6-hours]

Pretty much a diary entry

I just binged Nagata Kabi's stuff since I found it in the library and it felt like a thing I needed in the moment...

The cycle of feeling bad, then feeling good, then feeling bad, etc etc just reminds me that personal suffering doesn't have a narrative arc. You suffer, you overcome, and honestly the "overcome" part might not even be permanent. In the pit of suffering you can't tell if it'll ever get better and that makes it so much worse... Like what if this time, being sad is permanent.

This isn't the first time I got sad, and if my past experience is anything to judge by, I'll probably get over this sadness too. Then forget about it and go be sad about something or other again!!! It's a cycle!!!! It never stops!!!!

Anhedonia really sucks. But this time, it made me think, "If I'm going to do stuff and not enjoy it, I might as well do something that's good for me even if I don't enjoy doing it." It was that thought that pushed me to drop some covid weight, and do physical activity (which I'd never done purposefully in my entire life until right now!!!). (Like if I'm going to be sad at least I can try to be physically healthy I guess)

And I have a lot of time that I have trouble filling, so I take my time to do stuff that I'd always thought was annoying or a waste of time. Sometimes I walk 20 mins to the grocery store to get a single jug of milk. I take my time to actually clean the bathroom or kitchen. I don't resent maintenance chores as much as I used to. It's something that should be done, and I have time to do it, and the time isn't coming out of something I'd rather be doing. I haven't overcome that hurdle when it comes to cooking though... Thankfully my spouse is happy to handle food.

I'm working on a personal project that's supposed to be "as big as it needs to be, take as long as it will end up taking". I've always had a hard time with something like that because I guess external validation is very tied to my enjoyment of drawing. If I don't get some kind of feedback the enjoyment has to derive purely from my own belief in the project... This is something that basically drove me to utter sadness in thesis year college because I had shut down socially. When I wasn't talking to people, every missed point of contact played out in my head as a scenario where other people directly rejected me. (So and so didn't talk to me when I walked by them in the hall! They must have so little interest in me they don't even want to talk to me! Completely forget the fact that I said absolutely nothing to them!!!)

Anyway! I really took some time to dissect what parts about this project is

Something I wish I could be capable of doing

Something I kept thinking about doing

What are the hard parts about it that I thought I wasn't good enough for

What kind of work I need to put in to make the hard parts possible

I've managed to dismantle some illusions I have about "good artists" and how "good work" actually comes about. I also put aside the thoughts of "this isn't good enough for the kind of scope you want". (The prof in college that said "Do your research! People can tell when you haven't done your research!" really paralyzed me. I had no idea how much research is "enough", especially when it came to something I didn't obsess over, and if it's not "enough" I'll be scrutinized to the ends of the earth. Why put myself through that scrutiny? Why bother doing anything, ever? You can't be criticized for doing something badly if you never do it at all. Take that,!!!!)

The point of doing this project is, I think, to prove to myself that I did it. And at the end of it maybe do another one. Then at the end of all these projects, I can say to myself, look at the body of work you produced! It might not be good, it might not be liked by other people, heck maybe no one else other than you ever saw or knew it existed. But! I put all the thoughts in my head into a physical form. It gets to exist more than it used to.

[electromignion]

Bridgewater fanart again! (Jeremy Bradshaw in his office)

This is my biggest biggest fanart I’ve ever done so far and let me just say that I’m super proud of it!! There are a lot of details once again 👀 (kudos if you can see the references!)

This is a fanart totally dedicated to @thelaurenshippen , thank you so much for your support on my fanarts, it truly means the world to me, and it isn’t much but it is my way to thank you, as you said that you had a new headcanon as you reblogged my Jeremy sleeping fanart “also: new headcanon I now have vipin started TAing for Jeremy when he was still in undergrad so Jeremy also has one photo of the two of them at Vipin's graduation in his office” so I had to do this: Jeremy’s office where there is a picture of the two at Vipin’s graduation!

Once again as the details are detailing and the headcanon is headcanoning, I’m putting some further explanation after the read more! (And also I’ll tell the refs if you don’t want to search for too long 😭)

It took me 19 hours (I’m slow don’t judge me too much and this is not counting the frame on Jeremy’s desk 😭) so let me just say that a LOT of thoughts went through that little (big?) piece.

First of all as you saw, there is Vipin’s graduation pic on Jeremy’s desk, so here’s a further explanation of it under the post of the art itself (in case you want to see it in a bigger way too)

Then, for the phone’s screen, I did a fake conversation between Vipin and Jeremy which I think totally happened at some point. And here is the real screenshot of it because I don’t think you can see well what is written on the fanart unfortunately. (I also put a little reference to the album “Feelings and Such” by Louden Swain in it which is what Jeremy is supposed to listen to, I gotta say the main reason is because it’s my fave album and group but I would totally see Jeremy listening to that kind of music from time to time, I see him listening to “There’s the Rub” from that album)

Then comes his computer: it is truly the logo of the Bridgewater State University, the sticker from the real merch of the Bridgewater podcast, and the ace flag (because Jeremy Bradshaw being on the ace spec soothes my soul)! It’s my headcanon about Jeremy’s computer, it’s the third time I’ve drawn his pc, and the stickers stay the same no matter what and it’ll stay this way jsksksk

There is little basket of stim toys on his desk too and that’s totally my headcanon: I see Jeremy as a really caring professor, and to me he would have it in his office for the stressed out students coming to see him so they can feel better, or at least his students know he has some to lend! (And I’m nd, I would love to have a professor like that 😭) (thanks for a moot on Twitter for the slinky idea!!)

For the sticky notes on the desk: the one on the papers states “read before 03/24” which is the date the last episode of S2 aired, the pink one “proofread Lauren’s thesis defense date 08/06” Lauren is a direct nod to Lauren Shippen, and the date corresponds to the first airing date of the two first eps of S1 of Bridgewater.

The sticky note it “printer password BSU1976JyBw PS: Vipin I do have a limited amount of copies!” because I thought that printers in the uni might have password deferring from each profs (at least it was like this in my French highschool — as a reminder, I’m from France so it’s really me trying to find stuff on the internet), so BSU = Bridgewater State University, 1976 being Jeremy’s birth year (at least I tried to calculate it and it was 1976? Hopefully I’m right 😭✋ as the show aired in 2021 I tried to assume that 2021 was also the date in the podcast and as Jeremy is 45 during S1 welp), and JyBw is just the first and last letter of his first and last name. Comes my headcanon: at some point Jeremy couldn’t print anything because Vipin had printed too many stuff, hence the little reminder because Jeremy doesn’t want to beg to have more copies 😭

The research paper Jeremy has to read before 03/24 has been written by a certain “J.Novak”! (Totally a Supernatural reference) And when it comes to SPN refs, it’s much more subtle, but I did the same soles for Jeremy’s shoes as Castiel in the episode The End of spn (because the shoes are quite famous for being also identical to the one Dean wears so it was funny and on a funfact Jeremy’s legs and feet posture is bc I saw Misha sit like this so I thought it was fun (I also sit like that so it made me happy))

Behind Jeremy there’s an undone Rubik’s Cube, because I totally see it as Jeremy’s very own stim toy but the catch is that he doesn’t know how to solve it 😭 (thanks another moot for the idea @stillwinchester ily!!).

There’s also a mug, because our man needs to stay concentrated (tea? coffee? Your thoughts, to me Jeremy is more of a tea guy), this is a reference to the X-Files! Big Blue is txf’s Nessie, and the mug is a literal copy of the “real” merch mug you can see in “Quagmire” (3x22 of the X-Files)

For the posters on the walls, the one behind the bookshelves was the main art of an exhibition which occurred “Supernatural America: The Paranormal in American Art” and I’m persuaded that Jeremy would have gone to see that! And he would have loved to keep something from it! (But he ended up having to put his shelf in front of it because he had to put his books somewhere and maybe it creeped out his colleagues and students, here’s a picture of the original painting)

Agatha Wojciechowsky (American, born Germany, 1896–1986), and Spirits. Untitled, 1963. Watercolor and crayon on paper. 11 3/4 × 8 7/8 in. Courtesy the collection of Steven Day, New York, NY. Photo: Steven Day

And for the one near his desk, it is an old poster from the American Folk Art Museum, and to me Jeremy would totally be a museum guy, it’s very “academic” after all, plus he would be interested into it as it’s more around people and self taught people and so on, as he is very interested into anthropology, it goes well with the whole vibe.

https://pirtledesign.com/portfolio/american-folk-art-museum/

For the blackboard, the titles are basically what he is teaching in his lecture in S1 EP01 so to me it would be his way to see more what he has to work on for his students (and I think he fidgets his chalks in his lecture because in the same ep as he speaks you can truly hear a lot of chalk sounds which weren’t due to him writing so I understood it that way?), and there’s a little magnet with a “buy cat food!” because headcanon to me but Jeremy owns a cat (a black cat you can see him on his lockscreen on my drawing of Jeremy sleeping) but as he spends a lot of the time at the BSU, I think he would put reminders just in case 😭 (and there’s a little flower drawing made by Vipin! to me he would doodle little stuff from time to time with little smileys to brighten up Jeremy’s day a little)

Then in the bookshelves you can see a little purple owl! It’s to me, an amethyst carved one, as Jeremy had had his esoteric era when he was younger (it was said in S2 that he tried to be Wiccan) he must still have some stone knowledge and as amethyst is supposed to have soothing and good vibes properties, he might have taken this although he doesn’t believe in it anymore, and of course he picked it because it was an owl because it’s better now to laugh about the owl situation 😭

Lastly: all the books are real books! It took me some time but all of these exist, it’s mainly anthropology book, faculty/uni book, research stuff, and there are two books about the Bridgewater triangle! I tried to keep it around Jeremy’s field of course so it’s the occult, witchcraft, the Salem trials, UFOs, beliefs and all!

Thank you so much if you’ve read this far and I’m very grateful for all your support, it truly means the world to me and Bridgewater is very very close and dear to my heart, lots of love to you all! And thanks for bearing with me through my ideas and headcanons 💜🫶

[ist-das-kunst-oder-kann-das-weg]

Crazy days guys! So last Monday, my prof was like "yeah, and this week, I'm going to take your problem seriously" and I thought, well, we've had the problem for over a month now, so thanks for probably finally thinking about it. And on Friday he sent me a mail with a short version of the solution and damn, it was depressingly immediate. If he had thought sooner about it, I'm could have had that much more in my thesis :( But well, at least I have this now.

On Friday, I also was at the revue of our local student club. None of my best study buddies were going, but some people from my office thankfully adopted me for the time. I actually understood way more than I thought I would! By far not everything of course, but enough to be proud of myself.

On the weekend and Monday I tried to fill in the holes in my thesis. I didn't really get into it though. But on Monday I actually was able to think about one of the two bigger holes and found a solution for one part of it.

On Tuesday, my supervisor explained the solution to the big problem in slightly more detail, leaving most details still to me but fair and I actually think I worked them out, but I did that on the blackboard so I still have to write it down in a concise way. Only if I manage that I feel like I can say I truly have the solution or understand something. But then I couldn't be stopped and probably found pretty much of the solution to the other hole and that still wasn't enough and I got the other part of the first hole down! And all of that within some 4 hours.

After that I went with a brand new friend to an organ concert by student from the local conservatory which was mostly pretty nice. It's been some time since I have heard cool organ playing and I missed it a bit. The acoustics were still weird for me tho. It actually turned out that my brand new friend actually played the organ herself.

After that I realised that I had fucked up going to the pharmacy and if I did not manage to find a pharmacy that was still open then I would have to go to do the walk of shame to my doctor and tell her I need another prescription, but I found one and they even had my stuff there! I always go to the same pharmacy every three months like clockwork and they never have my shit ready -.- But I got lucky there and the cashier also was the nicest.

Then we wanted to go to streetfood but I said let's get bubble tea instead because there is only one place in town (can you imagine TT_TT) and we were close, so I wanted to use the opportunity, but she was like "I have bubble tea at home" and I joked and was like, well then let's go there, and she was like "sure, what do you wanna eat? I think I have everything for kimchi soup." So we went to her place and I ate her kimchi soup and she told me about what Hongkong is like and she complimented my Chinese because I can read like three characters because I watched too much WoH and Untamed.

And finally today I had another half unexpected outing with my best study buddy here. We for us rather spontaneously met up and tried out a new place for take away. Was okay, but I won't go there again. But after that I was like, wanna go to the art museum, it's open for another hour. So we went there, me with our empty beer cans in my backpack and her with the rest of her take away in hand (we obvsly left in the lockers). And I showed her one piece of art that I wanted her opinion on and we looked at a cool installation (at least I liked it a lot) and talked about what it could mean before we read about it afterwards. Apparently people were also just like "many layers something something time something earth something something", and I think our interpretation fit into that quite well lol. After that we speedran an exhibition about a local painter (I think). It was extremely nice to talk about art with someone. When I went with my German friend and her boyfriend we also talked about it but it was kinda different, more general or something? Something was missing, but I got it today, so that was nice!

And in the evening when I got home, the moon was in the sky so very beautifully that I had to pick up my camera again. Feels like it has been some time, perhaps a month? But my sense for time is gone even more than usually. But yeah. I need a new camera.

So life has been kinda intense the last week at least. It's the sun, I tell you. Perhaps I am procrastinating a bit. But then, I feel like I am actually a bit more productive because I have all these mini deadlines if I am meeting people in the evening. Perhaps it also doesn't make too much of a difference productivity-wise, but at least I am pretty damn happy right now. And as long as I get a degree, who cares about the grades? (It's probably far more problematic that I don't have any job experience lol. But I have to say that I am a bit sad that I just do not sit down to do the fucking math, even though whenever I manage to sit myself down, I really love doing the fucking math.)

[whoiskt]

Grad School Q4 - Week 1

All my classes are on Mondays and Wednesdays, so maybe I'll bring this back for Friday summaries.

Here's a Lloyd sketch that might become part of my business card. Working on that right now among many things!

I wasn't really ready to go back to school but rarely in my life have I ever felt that after summer break. This quarter is all required classes, which isn't the most fun but I'll get by okay. Plus, all the classes are pretty much back to back, which gives me such flashbacks to high school, since I'm just in the one building all day.

Anyways, I'm currently kind of nervous because to complete my MFA by the end of summer 2025, I need to go up for review this quarter. But it's required that I have taken 45 credit hours of 700 level courses. Unfortunately, 10 of my 45 credit hours are 500 level courses, so I am technically not eligible. But, since the thesis class is only taught once a year in the winter quarter, missing this milestone would mean pushing my graduation to 2026, which I cannot do, not spiritually and definitely not financially. So, I am asking for an exception to be made, and that is TBD. Because I have a lot riding on this, so I am really very nervous for the answer. We shall see.

I guess worst comes to worst I can switch to an MA. Let's be real... I am not professor material, anyways.

But to get to my week in review: My first class is a writing class. I got excited because I imagined I could do a Lloyd Void spin-off as my main project for this class, one that is geocentric in the sense it would follow my character Earth as a slice of life comedy before the events of LV. However, for this class we were sorted into short groups, and they prefered my sailors and music idea (the one I have been writing as a movie) and I might choose that. I am stuck with the ending, and maybe working that out in the class (since the class is only writing a measly 20 pages) is a fine use of my time as well.

My second class is a studio, and I am making LLOYD VOID KEY ART for the PITCH! This honestly is the most scary thing, because I have to make 9 whole completed illustrations in 10 weeks, and I think my current record for completed illustrations in 10 weeks is something like 4, with some VERY lazy bgs, which I am not allowed here, so wish me luck.

Finally, my last class is something something coloring? Honestly not fully sure but day 1 we had A LOT of hw already due for class 2. (we also had to color a page of a comic but I am not showing that here)

The artist is Lois van Baarle. THIS IS NOT MY ARTWORK I JUST COLORED IT:

Unexpectedly my prof said, "This is very well-done, perhaps even once of the best versions of this I've ever seen." I was shook. I have been studying color all year, trying to get better, but I never expected such a compliment.

I want to get better at reflective lighting still but I have definitely been feeling more confident in palette choices, at least.

Anyways, that's all for now, definitely more artwork to show you next week, bye!

[wizardnuke]

im talking about the essay grade again and i got off topic and started talking about the lit analysis potential inthe vast majority of fanfictionbjust. Ignore

i feel like it's such a humblebrag for me to be like "i don't understand how i continually get really good grades in english" because i understand objectively that 1) i am very good at analysis and/or. finding quotes to support whatever the fuck thesis i decided would be easy to support (see: "good at analysis") (i think i honestly just randomly hit the jackpot on "good thesis" but on god i just looked at macbeth and gawain respectively and was like Ah. Women's Wrongs. Easy Peasy) and 2) i know from looking at other people's essays that i am just kind of. marginally-to-a-lot better at grammar and phrasing/understand the very specific madlibs-style layout i have to use and what vocabulary that i need to be putting out. it's madlibs. there's a really technical and specific layout that needs to be followed and i just kind of follow it. it's not hard. it is boring. if i could write academic papers on the shit i'm actually interested in they'd be worthless because it's niche and/or wild tumblr user conjecture. anyone who seriously writes on. hold on i need to generate a thesis. "the cyclic nature of abuse and its direct correlation to homoeroticism in cn's supernatural" could u fucking imagine. that's hilarious. that's some hackjob shit no matter how well i could keep a straight face on the matter because all that people care about is Old Shit. i have no real vested interest in actual literary works beyond "they're important and better than people think". i have extremely strong feelings on a lot of modern works, generally movies and shows and niche dnd webshows, i cannot make a career in that shit, my english prof thinks fanfic is bullshit and i see where he's coming from! i don't think it's bullshit. but. the academic perspective on fanfiction is like "they're not making original work" because the setting/adjacent themes and characters r lifted from another work and there's no real originality in it except that the best fics i've read are like.. an alternate form of literary analysis that is so far from actual essay writing that it's unrecognizable. but people can see the themes and the motifs and rehash them in a way that is absolutely a kind of analysis of the original work, but with flourishes and new ideas and batshit choices that the og media either couldn't make/didn't feel like making/tentacle sex wasn't really thematically fitting but an author decided "hey what if i put themes into this consentacles fic" and like, i want to argue that that's legit. sometimes. but i am not going to do that bc i sound objectively insane and also sometimes it is just not that deep and that will be brought up as an argument and i just don't care enough to explain that it's still an art form even if it's not that deep. is "fun and funky fresh" not a common motivator. if "new interpretations" of works like shakespeare and shit where they plunk the characters into a modern setting and fuck with the phrasing is seen as a viable art form/type of analysis then fanfic is an art form/analysis adjacent to that. not all of it though. some of it is something else that is worse. not that i think that is in itself bad. fanfic is a hobby. can't make a career out of that. but people have made careers out of that by changing the names and setting and publishing books. and that's viable apparently. i just personally am insane and enjoy writing very serious and/or emotionally driven meta on dnd shows. i like themes and motifs and i think that while a quickly written meta post on the tragedy inherent in redemption arcs that hit 50k is absolutely not as academically sound as a cited paper on a similar subject, there's Something To It and there's got to be some kind of potential in it. i like stories. idk if i could make a living out of talking about stories especially from the insane angle that i tend to hit stories at. the possibility of making it a genuine career is driven down below ground after i take into consideration my insanity about modern stories vs my neutrality on older ones. what am i talking abt. bf is yelling for me bye

[erismourn]

ok ive been thinking about a destiny university au that im ultimately not going to do anything with (probably) but I just want to talk about it so here is a list of some characters and what I think they would do at uni

osiris: physics prof specializing in quantum + theoretical physics. undergrads find him extremely difficult to follow but master's students love him. will occasionally heckle ikora's philosophy seminars

saint: kinesiology prof, former football quarterback. everyone takes his first year classes because he's the best and also might let you throw things at each other for a grade. too much of a meathead to truly understand what's going on in osiris' lectures, but sits in on his beloved's lessons anyway.

ikora: philosophy prof, has like 4 undergrad degrees because she couldn't decide what she wanted to study ("but mads that's bonkers" my friend has done this and is currently getting their phd in social work. it happens). playful academic beef with osiris on the nature of life itself. was the scariest player on the women's lacrosse team

eris: perma-phd student in archaeology with a minor in anthropology. spends way too much time in the bone lab, which is why she looks like she doesn't go out in the sun. spends a little too much time hanging around the philosophy department for someone who isn't a philosophy major

zavala: extremely jacked anthropology professor. did his phd thesis on the value of fibrecraft to the human experience (more specific than that but I'm not about to come up with a feasible phd level thesis for a field I know nothing about). many of his students think he's in the mafia or something because of how ripped he is, but he just really likes working out

asher mir: chemistry professor. kind of a hardass, HATES teaching undergrads, but might let you blow something up in a controlled environment on the last lab day of the semester

amanda holliday: engineering master's student. EXTREMELY passionate about the yearly engineering go-kart derby where teams of students build their own go-karts

banshee-44: engineering prof. the smartest, most capable engineering prof at the school, but god forbid he remembers where he put that caliper. do not go into his office. it's a hazard.

shaxx: the football coach. end of thought.

drifter: math and stats prof. weirdly grungy for a nerd. I almost put him as an ethics professor bc I think his morals are really interesting but then I remembered he likes math a lot and I think he can have a little treat. has way too much energy for undergrads

mara: history prof. you thought history was boring until you took a class with dr sov. that woman can spin a yarn like nobody else. often has academic beef with ikora

riven: the school mascot