#i want to think about my ex and i did so it's good enough for me

[furioussheepluminary]

𝐃𝐚𝐝𝐝𝐲 𝐈𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐞𝐬

Pairing: dad!chris x teacher!afab!reader, friends to lovers, nonidol!au

Synopsis: Go ahead and cry, little girl, Nobody does it like you do, I know how much it matters to you, I know that you got daddy issues, And if you were my little girl, I'd do whatever I could do, I'd run away and hide with you

Warnings: domestic fluff, angst, tears and all, references to the neighborhood, ft. 2racha, lemme know if I've missed something

A/n: the neighborhood. They did this to me. Reader isn't going to be mentioned on the story a lot...well at least in this first chapter. I swear I got carried away with this I didn't mean for it to be this long 😔 it wasn't even meant to be a chapter like story...

She wasn’t his. A constant reminder that knocked at the back of his mind.

Chris wasn’t the kind of man to complain over every small detail. Life had handed him its fair share of punches, and he’d taken his fair share without even flinching or losing the warmth in his heart. Anyone who saw him on the outside would think of him as the one that had everything good happening to him. But on the inside, the scars remained- ugly and tender. Before it all turned grey, he was actually living the life. A newlywed with a beautiful baby three months in the making. Victoria, his now ex-wife was an extravagant person and Chris knew that but she still had other loveable qualities which he doted on. Come five years down the line, and the secrets began to come to light.

Victoria had always wanted more. More money, more status, more luxury. She knew Chris had all of that so she just decided to play along with his domestic loveable fantasies. And Chris had known this about her from the start, but he had convinced himself that love would be enough. That their little circle-just him, Victoria, and their now four-year-old daughter, Mia-would be enough.

He was wrong.

It started with the late nights out, business dinners and events with people whose names Chris never recognized. Which Chris saw as karma for constantly keeping his late nights at work too but she always came back with excuses that didn’t really add up but then again, he pushed it aside, to exhausted from his own work and raising Mia to argue. Then it was her appearance. Disheveled hair, messed up make up, hickeys? Sure, he’s been lacking in being the romantic husband but he didn’t remember giving her any of those.

“Can we talk, baby?” he had tried to ask her one evening, when he put Mia to bed. They were in their shared bedroom which was beginning to feel lonelier by the week. Victoria sat at her vanity, in pristine white doing her night routine. “About?” she responded flatly.

“U-us,” he takes off his shirt and folds it neatly. “Am I not making you feel good anymore?” she paused, looked at him through the mirror and chuckled “What’s making you say that, Chris?”

“You’ve got marks. And I haven’t given you any…”

She applied cream under her eyes. “isn’t that supposed to make you feel bad?” he gave a tight-lipped expression “Baby,” he walked over to her. “I-I know I haven’t been as romantic as I was before and that’s on me. But it’s making me feel uncomfortable that I’m seeing this and that it wasn’t me who- “

Victoria sighed, setting down the jar of cream with an exasperated clink. She turned in her chair, crossing her legs as she reagree Chris with an almost amused expression.

“You’re being dramatic,” she said cooly. “It’s just a few marks. Why does it matter where they came from?” Chris felt his stomach twist. “Because I love you. because I-”

“Love isn’t enough, Chris,” she interrupted, her tone sharp. “You think just because you get to come home every night and kiss Mia goodnight it’ll make me so obsessed with you that I’d forget my own needs?” his brows furrowed as he plopped himself on the edge of the bed. “I-I don’t understand…” Victoria rolled her eyes. “It’s not just about her, Chris. I have needs too. I need just as much excitement and love as Mia gets. I need passion, I need to be with someone who treats me like I deserve to be loved not like another chore at the end of the day.” Chris felt something crack inside his chest. “A chore?” He echoed, voice above a whisper. Isn’t that what she made him feel like? Barely giving him any breathing space with all the ‘don’t forget to pick these up at the store’, or ‘I can’t make it blah blah blah I have an appointment’ and all the other useless excuses he carried on his shoulder.

“And Mia? What does she need. What does she deserve?”

“Don’t start that. She deserves stability. You work all the time too and I’ve told you timelessly that you can’t be keeping your late schedule when we have her to think about. Look, the difference between us is just that I’ve found a way to make it work for me. To balance you and my…real needs.”

Realization dawned like a cold slap to the face. “There’s someone else.” She didn’t deny it. Didn’t. Even. Flinch. Victora turned back to the mirror, picking up her cream again as if the conversation had already ended in her mind. “You don’t have to worry about me, baby. I can take care of myself and leave. We’ll file for divorce. And I’ll take Mia.” He couldn’t even understand her anymore. She just wants to leave? She’s not going to hear his side of the story? Taking his baby girl?! His eyes shot up. “Like hell you will.” Chris rarely raised his voice at her before, but that night, the betrayal shattered something inside him. “So that’s it? You’re walking away from your family for a supposedly bigger paycheck?”

Her eyes still focused on her reflection she spoke, “This is a blessing in disguise, Chris. Take it or leave it.”

And that was when the real war began.

The woman had connections, the bitch. Lawyers who knew how to twist the narrative. Chris worked long hours making him ‘too busy’ to be a full-time parent. He didn’t come from money making him ‘unstable’ compared to Victoria’s new fiancé- a wealthy, well-respected businessman. The court never even asked who Mia wanted to stay with. Despite everything Chris fought. Hard. But the corrupt system wasn’t built to favor fathers like him. In the saddening end, Victoria was granted full custody. He was left with weekends and whatever stolen moments he could manage. Innocent Mia had sobbed in his arms the first time she had to leave. Chris had nearly broken down right there with her. She couldn’t understand it all but what she did know was that being with her father was never enough. He was so close yet so far away.

At the time Chris didn’t have a lot of people to lean on, but if there were two people who saw everything from the beginning, it was Changbin and Jisung. They saw it all. They were the ones who stayed- when everyone whispered about how he should’ve seen it coming or how maybe he just wasn’t enough. Changbin was the first to throw a punch when some asshole had the nerve to call Chris pathetic for loving someone who was visibly used him. Jisung had been the one to show up at his doorstep at 3 A.M., with food, refusing to leave until Chris had at least eaten something. Now, they were the ones who made sure Mia had people who truly adored her and treated her like family, even when her mother made her feel like a second thought.

-

The school bell echoed through the courtyard, signaling freedom for dozens of gleeful kids. Chris leaned against his car, scanning the crowd until his eyes landed on her- Mia, sprinting towards him with wild abandon, her backpack bouncing on her shoulders.

“Daddy!” She screamed, her face lighting like the sun. Chris opened his arms just in time for her to crash into him. He lifted her off the ground spinning her around as pure joy surged through him.

Mia’s eyes sparkled as she hugged him tight. “Can we get ice cream before dinner tonight?” he chuckled. “Ice cream before dinner? That sounds like trouble, baby.” “Please?” she begged, tilting her head in that way that always melted him. He sighed dramatically. “Anything for my babygirl.”

Chris’ apartment wasn’t grand. Well not as grand as the one he used to have with his ex-wife. But it was warm. Lived-in. The type of place where every corner held memories- some old some new, most centered around Mia, of course. Mia’s drawings were taped to the fridge, stick figures holding hands with big smiles and a sun in the constant corner that shone too brightly. Tiny pink socks and stuffed animals littered the couch, evidence of the weekend play sessions that always ended with Mia curled up against his side, fighting sleep just to stay up a little longer with him.

When she was with him, Chris was dad in every sense of the word. He cooked her meals even when they turned out slightly burnt, he helped her with homework (which explaining to her sometimes confused him in the process). When it came to bedtime stories, he helped her pick them out and carried her to the bed when she fell asleep mid-play. Some Saturdays he would take her to the studio and sometimes it was unavoidable. Mia was always curious about her dad’s job. Plus, she vaguely remembers that she used to see him working with different genres of people when she was younger, back when she had more than weekends with him.

So, after stopping for her favorite snack on a Saturday morning, they arrived at the studio. When they walked in, Mia’s eyes widened as she took everything in. tiny sparks of color filled the faint memories of this place in her mind. The soundproof walls, the scattered yet arranged equipment, the glowing computer screens displaying colorful waveforms. “Woah…” She bounced forward, her tiny hands gripping her bunny in its ears. Chris smiled watching her.

“Cool, yeah?” Chris ruffled before guiding her to the main recording room. “Come on, I’ll show you where the chaos happens.” Before they could go any further, a familiar voice called out.

“Yaa! Is that my favorite troublemaker?!” Mia’s face lit up instantly as Changbin appeared from one of the side rooms, arms spread wide. “Uncle Binnie!” she squealed, running to him without hesitation. Chris barely had time before she leapt into Changbin’s arms, giggling as he spun her around. “Look at you, getting so big! What happened to tiny Mia I used to know?”

“I’m still tiny,” she giggled. “I dunno…you’re almost as big as your dad now,” He teased, shooting the other man a smirk. Chris rolled his eyes. “Funny.” They got in to the studio together. Chris dropped Mia’s backpack on the couch at the end of the room, as Changbin sat her on his lap.

“Where’s J. One?” he asked. As if on cue the door opened with Jisung walking in, coffee in hand. His eyes darted straight to the tiny person on Changbin’s lap, playfully blinking in disbelief. “No way. Is that my Mia?”

Mia gasped. “Uncle ‘Sung!” she wriggled out of the other’s arms and ran straight for Jisung who caught her one-handed with ease, throwing her into his arms. “Daang, I haven’t seen you in forever!” he said dramatically, pretending to stagger under her weight. “You sure you’re not twenty now?” she squeaked, hitting his shoulder “I’m six!”

“Six? No way. You’re lying,” he teased dropping her.

Chris shook his head, watching as they fell into playful banter. Mia looked genuinely happy, completely forgetting about everything else. And it made Chris forget about everything to for a while. At least on most Saturdays.

-

Sundays were the worst. For both of them. Sunday nights felt like losing her all over again. Chris never liked to bring up Victoria unless Mia did first. He knew better than to talk shit about her mother in front of her, no matter how much resentment he held. She was too young to understand the full extent of what happened, and he didn’t want her carrying the weight of their broken marriage. But sometimes, she asked questions. And those were the hard moments.

After dinner one Sunday, with Mia’s bags packed and toys arranged, Chris was brushing her hair. She sat on the couch, the bunny clutched to her chest. She had been quiet. They were always strangely quiet on Sunday nights. He didn’t push, but Mia always spoke when she was ready. Mr. Bean played softly on the TV in the background when she finally spoke.

“Do you like Mr. Dlyan?”. He froze, his hands pausing mid-stroke. That was the name of Victoria’s new husband. The one that seemed to have wider pockets according to her. He forced himself to keep his voice light. “Why do you ask, baby?”

Mia shrugged, kicking her feet. “Mommy says he’s nice. And that he takes good care of us.” “He’s mommy’s new husband, but you know that already.” He said carefully. “Do you like him?” she hesitated, her tiny fingers fiddling with the edge of her animal’s ear. “He buys me lots of toys,” she admitted. “And he says I can call him Dad if I want to.” His grip on the brush tightened. He took a slow breath, forcing down the lump in his throat.

“And do you want to?”

She looked up at him then, big, honest eyes searching his face. “No.”

Relief washed over him so quickly it made him feel guilty. He cleared his throat and set the brush down, gently pulling her into his lap. “Mia, listen to me,” he said softly. “You can call him whatever makes you comfortable. But just because mommy married someone else doesn’t make me any less of a father. Especially your father. That will never change. Okay?”

Mia nodded, gripping his shirt. “I don’t want him to be my dad. I already have one.” He smiled pressing a kiss to her head. “That’s right, baby. You do.” She snuggled closer. “But mommy says I should be happy with him. That its better this way.”

Chris shut his eyes for a moment, trying to gather his emotions before they could break through. He hated the idea of Mia feeling pressured, of her thinking she had to accept this new man as a father figure just to keep the peace. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Mia,” he murmured. “You’re allowed to feel how you feel.”

She turned back to the tv. “But I want to be with you.” Chris held her a little tighter, kissing her forehead like he always did when the words I love you weren’t enough.

“Me too, baby. Me too.”

The sky was painted in muted hues of blue and orange, the sun seemed reluctant to set as Chris’s car idled in front of his ex-wife’s pristine suburban house. Mia sat in the backseat, silent, her small fingers anxiously twisting the strap of her backpack. Chris stole a glance at her through the rearview mirror, his chest tightening at the sight of her downcast face.

“We’re here, sweetheart,” he said softly, hating the weight of those words. Mia didn’t move. Her lips wobbled, and tears threatened to spill over her long lashes. Chris unbuckled his seatbelt and turned in his seat, reaching for her hand. “Hey,” he whispered, “It’s okay.” “It’s not okay,” she sniffled, her voice breaking. “I hate going back. Mommy doesn’t even talk to me ask, Daddy. She’s always busy with her friends and her phone! Its better being with you daddy! I don’t wanna go back!”

“I know it’s hard,” he murmured, cupping her cheek. “But you’ll be back with me on Friday. We'll do anything you want, yeah? Just you and me.” She tried to smile, but crumbled into tears. He couldn’t take it anymore. He unbuckled her seatbelt and pulled her into his arms, letting her cry against his shoulder. “It’s okay to cry, baby,” he whispered, his own voice thick. “But I promise- Daddy always comes back for you.” her fingers clutched his jacket like a lifeline. “I love you, Daddy.” She choked out.

“I love you too, Mia. So much.”

That was the loop. The constant loop that went on and on. Chris was so tired of it all.

Till you came in.

Gawddd I swear I didn't want it to be this long...this was prolly just like an intro ig...I don't know 😭

Taglist:

@pessimisticloather @pixie-felix

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~kc💗

[thebibutterflyao3]

“Crooked”

@pandalilymicrofics - 1151 words

**TW: NSFW activities discussed**

previous part - next part

Pandora tapped her pen on the pad of paper in her lap and considered her next question carefully. With new clients, it often required several sessions to feel them out. Many were resistant to therapy as a concept, and others were combative simply because she was a woman. Unfortunately, misogyny ran just as rampant in psychiatry as it did in most medical professions.

Mr. Potter was an unusual case, however. He’d been open and honest from the very first consultation a month ago about his concerns and was more than willing to discuss triggers, trauma, treatment options, coping mechanisms, and self-care. After the last three clients she’d released, it had been a refreshing change. Thanks to his cooperation, Mr. Potter’s ADHD was now manageable.

He animatedly spoke about his parents, his friends, even his son, Harry. There was only one subject that he hedged around, which pointed to the necessity that they discuss it. His ex-wife was a touchy subject. The divorce was finalised six months ago and Mr. Potter very recently moved into his own flat. That was the sum total of her knowledge about their relationship. Pandora needed to find a way to ease more information out of him without her client burying his head in the sand like an overwhelmed ostrich.

“So, how is Harry handling the change in his routine?” she asked, circling Harry’s name on her notepad. “Since the move?”

Mr. Potter hummed softly before answering, a habit he seemed unaware of having. “Pretty well, overall. The only significant change is where he sleeps. My flat is a few blocks from the old house, so he doesn’t have much further to walk on school days.”

Pandora nodded approvingly. She admired how devoted he was to keeping his son’s life as normal as possible. It was incredibly rare among co-parents, in her experience. “Your flat is comfortable for him then?”

“Oh yes! I bought him all of the video games he loves and made his room look as close as I could to the one at home.” Mr. Potter clasped his hands together, his smile a little crooked. “We even picked out extra clothes, so he doesn’t have to lug a suitcase back and forth. He says it’s not a problem, but I didn’t want him to feel out of place.”

“That sounds fantastic! I know first-hand how teenagers can be. It sounds like you’ve made the transition from his mum’s house to your flat as smooth as possible,” she said, scratching a note on her notepad when he didn’t flinch at the mention of Harry’s “mum’s house.” This appeared to be a safe path to follow, so far. “He’s still spending half of the week at your ex’s house and half at yours, right?”

“Oh good!” Pandora adding to her notes. When he glanced at it for the fifth time, she set it aside. “That’s probably enough notes for now. Is there anything else you wanted to discuss today? Perhaps–”

Mr. Potter inhaled deeply, blatant guilt straining at every feature on his face, then blurted, “Sex ruined my marriage!” He looked truly horrified at the announcement and clapped a hand over his mouth. His next words were muffled as he admitted, “And I don’t know what to do about it.”

“Alright,” Pandora said, reeling in her shock as best she could. “What do you want to do about it?”

Instead of answering the question, Mr. Potter whispered, “I think she broke me.”

Now that grabbed Pandora’s attention. Mr. Potter did not whisper in his sessions. She reached into the basket next to her chair and pulled out a red and blue stress ball, tossing it to him lightly. “Here. Give this a squeeze, and when you’re ready, tell me why you think that.”

He did as instructed, easing the tension slowly from his shoulders as he mashed the ball between his hands. A few minutes in complete silence was all Mr. Potter could bear, so Pandora waited him out. As expected, he began to talk the moment he appeared mildly uncomfortable.

“She…I mean, we did something different,” he said hesitantly. “It started with a leak in the ceiling.”

Pandora studied him closely, mentally noting as much detail as possible. She sensed that if she reached for her notepad, he was likely to clam up again. “And did you fix the leak?”

“I did. There were a few rotten shingles on the roof, so I replaced them.”

“And then?” she prompted.

Mr. Potter squirmed on the sofa, a movement that looked rather odd on such a sturdy man. “Then, she came home while I was patching the ceiling in the hallway. I wasn’t expecting her home early, so I’d stripped down to my pants because I was sweaty from working outside. She doesn’t like it when I make a mess.”

“So, you were on a ladder in your pants,” Pandora said, clarifying his position, “when she came home.”

“Yes.”

Pandora waited for him to elaborate, but he didn’t. “Then, you had sex?”

“She asked if I was up for it, and of course I said ‘yes,’ but then she pulled out…a strap,” Mr. Potter said, wincing. “I was curious, so I tried it. We’d been married fourteen years at the time, so I thought, ‘why not spice it up a bit?’”

“That was very open-minded of you,” she said carefully. “Was bottoming something she’d mentioned you trying before?”

Mr. Potter frowned. “She may have. I wasn’t opposed to the ideal In theory, anyway.”

“Did you dislike it?”

“No, but she definitely liked it more than I did,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck. “That’s all she wanted to do afterwards, but I’d started having weird dreams.”

“Weird how?” Pandora checked.

Mr. Potter ducked his head, squeezing the stuffing out of the stress ball. “Sex dreams with…men.”

“That was new?”

He shook his head slowly. “No, but it had been a long time. Then, it was all I could think about. I’d never considered bottoming, and I think trying it broke me. We stopped having sex altogether and argued about it constantly, among other things. Without a physical release and the emotional connection, the little things seemed bigger.”

“Do you regret the divorce?” Pandora asked empathetically. It was the question she’d wanted to ask ever since their first session. Mr. Potter was clearly still hurting.

A long silence fell as the hand squeezing the stress ball trembled. With a shaky breath, he whispered, “No,” as if it was a guilty secret. As if he was committing treason by admitting it. As if the blame for his failed marriage was all his, and he couldn’t bear the weight of it.

[106alibi]

good graces ; use me

w.c: ~1.1k (I TRIED TO CUT WORDS ALREADY IM SORRRRYYYYY)

note: text portion at the bottom!

the drive back to your condominium was silent, with the rumble of the engine and the tapping of jeno’s fingers against the wheel the only sounds filling the air.

jeno wasn't stupid. he could tell something was up, especially when you, the one who invited him to the party, suddenly requested to leave early without an explanation. though curiosity was eating him up on the inside, he held his lips tight and stepped on the pedal.

the car rolled slowly into the lot, coming to a halt once the back tires hit the wheel stop. he unbuckled his seat belt, stealing glances at you in an attempt to read you, but all you did was stare straight ahead, your eyes in a daze and your mind clearly anywhere but the car the two of you were in. you were only snapped out of your thoughts when your seat belt had come undone with a click. you looked up at jeno, who had undone your seat belt for you and was now propping his weight off the frame of the door with one arm, the other hand outstretched.

you looked up at his outstretched palm and the sweet smile that hung on his crescent eyes. he doesn’t deserve this. you took his palm in yours and exited the vehicle.

the elevator arrived at the top floor of the condominium with a ‘ding’. jeno gestured for you to enter the unit, his hands shoved into his pockets as his hair fell just above his pretty eyes. you stared at his face, preparing yourself for what's about to come. he cocked an eyebrow at your lack of movement.

“do you want to come in?”

you kicked off your shoes at the entrance and brisk-walked to your couch, plopping down on it, sending a signal to jeno that he should follow suit. you chewed on your bottom lip as you watched him make his way to the couch, wondering how you should bring up the issue.

“hey! I don't actually like you! I've been using you to get back at my ex-boyfriend this entire time!”

no. you thought that perhaps you should start from the beginning.

“you know the guy we bumped into earlier?”

“oh, your friend jake?”

you visibly cringed at the word ‘friend’.

“he isn't actually my friend. he's my ex.”

if jeno was shocked, he didn't show it. his kind eyes and silence only prompted you to elaborate further.

but you found the words lodged in your throat as you tried to recall why and when jake had became an ex. it was just so…humiliating. to have to admit to someone else that your own boyfriend left you for another girl; that you weren't good enough, pretty enough, understanding enough. and that above all, you weren’t smart enough to have picked up on all the clues he had laid out perfectly for you. you swallowed thickly.

“he…cheated on me. with that girl, natty."

you lowered your eyes to the rings in your fingers, trying to blink away the layer of sheen and silently wishing that jeno wouldn't notice the hurt that glazed over your eyes. jeno’s warm hand engulfed your cold fingers gingerly as he took it into his own lap and scooted closer to you.

“you don't have to say anything. I'll be here until you feel better.”

you almost scoffed. not at him, but at the situation. here jeno was, naively rubbing comforting circles in the back of your hand with his thumb trying to comfort you, thinking you were someone worth comforting, not knowing that he had been a victim this whole time of your stupid revenge plan.

you liked jeno, you really did. he was a great friend, easy to talk to, always kind to you. eventually, he made you forget that you were just use him.

but a moment’s forgetfulness didn't excuse the fact that you did, that you were that low, that pathetic.

sure, confirming that jake never really loved you was a stab to the chest, but for some reason, knowing that you were about to hurt jeno pushed the knife deeper.

you pulled your hand away from jeno’s grasp and willed yourself to look him in the eye, your heart turning to mush as a pout unknowingly formed on his lips. you took a deep breath.

“i wanted to get back at jake. i wanted him to know that i could pull someone better than him. someone better than him in his eyes. and, if he didn’t tell you earlier, you’re his favourite boxer.”

you watched as jeno’s eyebrows knitted, trying to piece everything together.

“i’m sorry, i….” you squeaked out, the hot tears breaking the dam of your lash line. you covered your face with your free hand, not wanting jeno to see the state you were in as you willed your lungs to push out the last of your confession.

“i was using you.” your voice shook. you bit your lips shut, feeling undeserving of the sob that threatened to escape your throat.

“i was using you to make jake jealous, but guess what? it didn’t even work.” you couldn’t stop the tears from falling even if you wanted to. “i’m so sorry, jeno. for leading you on.” your heart squeezed at your own outburst. your palm soaked in your own salty tears to not only prevent jeno from seeing you in such a pathetic state, but to shield yourself from his reaction too.

this was the end. this would be the end of your revenge plan, a plan that shouldn't have been born in the first place. this would be the end of your relationship with jeno.

“just…let me ask you something.”

you pursed your lips and nodded for him to go on.

“when you were with me," you heard him gulp, "were you happy? genuinely?”

you didn't have to think twice. you nodded vigorously, still hiding behind your hand as you sniffled loudly, not wanting to see the hurt in jeno’s eyes.

a warm arm wrapped around your shoulders and pulled you in, and suddenly you found your head resting on jeno’s shoulder. he made gentle, large strokes down your back, the other arm wrapped firmly around your waist as he rested his cheek on the top of your head. you bunched his blazer between your fingers, your knuckles turning white as you sobbed into his shoulder.

you wanted jeno to hate you. he should have. so why in the world was lee jeno comforting you right now, when you were the one who hurt him?

jeno gently pulled you away to look at your damp cheeks once you had calmed down a little, wiping away the stray tears with his thumb as his palm cupped the flesh of your cheeks warmly.

“i'll allow it.”

his voice came out as a whisper in the cold air, a soft laugh following as he tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, a touch as light as feather.

"what?" you blinked through blurry eyes.

“if it makes you happy, then use me.”

because at this point, jeno had fallen too deep to lose you.

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a/n: I can point out 39372928 things that are wrong with how things are unfolding but I'll keep my mouth zipped if not I'll spiral and start to hate everything

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[kittendreaw]

Has Anyone Else Died For You? | Megumi Fushiguro

01: Glory and Gore

Words: 3.8 k

Mainlist

We gladiate, but I guess we're really fighting ourselves

Roughing up our minds, so we're ready when the kill time comes

Wide awake in bed, words in my brain

"Secretly you love this, do you even wanna go free?"

One day he calls you a whore and then he's in your room...For a school project!

First Day of your sophomore year of college, you probably would have been excited if it wasn't for all the drama at the end of the previous year still had your friends angry, they still refused to talk to you and even though you understood their annoyance you also knew that it had all been a big stupidity Because everything they said was a lie and you still didn't understand where that rumor had come from.

You walked into the classroom, giving your friends, or rather ex-friends, a look and sweet smile, but they just rolled their eyes in annoyance. Okay, you weren't forgiven yet.

And they were still bitches.

You couldn't deny that you felt completely out of place, that place that had belonged to you for so long was no longer there and although probably in a few more days they would forgive you and everything would go back to how it always was, for the moment you had to move on with your life.

The only free place was the one next to Megumi Fushiguro.

You knew him but no more than the others, you knew his name, you knew that a rich man had adopted him and you knew some of the things they said about him but You've never talked to him before. You didn't want gossip created by other people to influence your opinion of him, so you were willing to have the best attitude and make a new friend.

In any case, it is not that you had any other option, you did not know when they were going to forgive you and you did not like others enough to make you want to integrate into them So the lonely outcast would be the best option.

It's not that the rest had gone out of their way to exclude megumi, he had just walked away and being too asocial and mysterious will give the others reasons to talk. If you don't give them anything, they'll make it up.

You sat in the free chair next to him, looked at him with your kind gaze and sweet bright smile. "Hello, Yn Yl." and there was no response. He just stood there with his back leaning against the back of his chair, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes on the board. It seemed like anything playing on his earbuds and that soft board were more interesting than talking to you. "I didn't see another empty place, so I thought I'd sit here." You tried again to start a conversation. He looked you up and down with the deepest blue eyes you've ever seen.

"Dressing like a whore is allowed in the dress code?" your smile wavered a little and although you were sure he wasn't the first person to call you a whore, he was the first one to do it so directly in your face. You blinked a couple of times, thought that maybe you had misheard or that you had confused his words.

"Excuse me?" he stood with the same serious cold face without any expression. He looked you up and down again, Pointing out his point as if it were obvious, and then his eyes returned to yours.

"You heard me." He went back to the same position as before with the clear intention of ignoring you and although you could ignore him too, you weren't going to do it with the way he was talking to you.

"Are you always this rude or is it just a bad day?" He rolled his eyes when you spoke again and turned his face to look at you.

"I wasn't rude, it was just a question."

"Well, I think you are quite rude."

"I don't like lying bitches, that's all."

"What are you talking about?"

"Believe me that your act of good girl and prudish slut doesn't fool me, Yn, I can see through your lies."

"it takes one to know one."

"Think whatever you want." Megumi had never bothered to hide who he was, he was a cruel bastard and always would be like that.

"Same for you."

The rest of the class both remained silent, it was clear the dislike that Megumi felt for you and you had no plans to continue insisting, if he thought you dressed like a whore and that you were a liar That didn't matter to you.

Because only you knew what you really were.

When the class was over you took your bag and walked out of the classroom, you saw Megumi's friends at the door, it was surprising that there were people who really put up with his shitty character, Especially since they seemed to be much nicer than him.

"Hey, so are you Yn's friend now?" you recognized Yuji's cheerful voice as you walked down the hall, you had a very good ear for other people's conversations. Gossip girl? Probably. You couldn't help it, you liked to stay informed.

"I have no fucking idea what you're talking about."

"You were sitting with her."

"She was sitting with me, it's very different." He put an end to that topic and the pink-haired boy had no choice but to change the conversation.

In the break you would normally go to your usual place in the cafeteria with your friends but it was not something you could do now, you went to the edge of the forest which is next to the campus courtyard, it was a quiet place and far enough away so that you did not have to worry about someone seeing you eating alone.

It's not that you care what others say about you, right? By this point you must have been more than used to all the gossip behind your back. You just didn't want to show any kind of weakness, you were still the same person, whether they loved you or not.

You sat against the trunk of a large tree and ate your lunch concentrating on the playlist what you had chosen and how peaceful the landscape was in front of you.

You noticed how two silhouettes were also approaching the forest, you tried to focus your eyes, you couldn't help it.

You recognized one of them, it was Megumi and next to hin a girl you didn't know but it didn't matter, you didn't have to be too smart to know what they were going to do. You understood that he was attractive, you weren't going to deny it but you didn't understand how anyone could stand him.

You didn't take your eyes off megumi, and he noticed it, looked at you, and you could swear that his gaze on you felt like a silent threat.

You just raised an eyebrow at what could be a "What?" and looked away, You weren't going to get in trouble.

You entered the classroom before the end of recess, there wasn't much to do outside, you didn't like to be alone, not anymore, you had become so used to being surrounded by people that this was almost like a new feeling.

At the moment the only person you had left was Choso, whom you had put aside for a long time because he didn't "fit" your status, he had always been there for you, you didn't really deserve that guy.

If he stayed in school everything would be easier, you would have someone to be with, talk to and to sit with, but he had to leave school and dedicate his time to work. He was the one who took care of his family, it really made you a little sad that someone so good had so many responsibilities.

The week went by quickly, you didn't talk to megumi again, well, except for the Wednesday when you asked him to borrow a pencil and he told you: "what kind of idiot doesn't bring a pencil to school" and of course he didn't lend you a shit.

It was already Friday and it probably could have meant the beginning of a wonderful weekend in which you would do absolutely nothing if it weren't for the fact that the teacher decided to leave an assignment in pairs, Megumi and you were together and of course he was the only one who asked if he could do it alone, but the teacher left him no choice.

"Hmm." you tried to start. "What day is okay for you?" you asked in a slightly shy tone that only made him feel more disgusted: he hated that little tone in your voice. You were just trying to be nice, even if he'd been rude to you you weren't going to get on his level, you'd be better.

"Tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. On your place." He wasn't asking you, he was giving you instructions. You probably wouldn't have argued with him if it weren't for the fact that you had plans that day and definitely didn't want him near your house. It's not that you were ashamed of what you had, you knew that your parents had worked very hard and you thanked them but there was nothing you would like to show off.

"I can't." Anything you said just made him angrier and angrier.

"What do you mean you can't?"

"I have plans," and he let out a scoff.

"And your plans are more important than this year's first project?"

"I'm not saying they are." Well, maybe for you a little, it had been a long time since you had last seen Choso, you wanted to hang out with him, vent and talk shit about your ex best friends. "But I think it's a little rude to cancel." And you didn't want to, but you couldn't say that. "But we could do it today after school or even on Sunday."

"I can't"

"What do you mean you can't? You replied to his question in a mocking tone, you were just trying to joke around and be friendly, maybe you still held out a bit of hope that he had just had a bad week and his attitude changed, not that you cared about him but you were stuck with him all that semester and you couldn't stand being silent for so long anymore. You regretted your joke a bit when you noticed that his expression hardened and his eyes darkened, he didn't think you were laughing with him, but at him.

"It's none of your business, we'll do it tomorrow." Perhaps Choso's visit would have to wait only because Megumi decided to be adamant.

"And it has to be in my house?"

"Well, I'm not going to invite you to mine" you had to resist the urge to roll your eyes you have to keep the sweet Attitude, you didn't know how someone could be like that, it was annoyed and disgusting.

"My parents don't agree that a gu-"

"I can bet I won't be the first man in your dorm room so stop the act of prudish, Yn." You didn't understand why he seemed to hate you so much.

"Yes, sure." you muttered. Maybe your stomach churned at his comment, maybe that feeling stayed all day, maybe that moment was repeated over and over again in your head, you didn't understand why it affected you so much, you knew he wasn't the first person to call you a whore but maybe the fact that he wasn't a hypocrite and said it to your face which made your stomach churn.

You could already anticipate that Saturday wouldn't be better, for the first time you weren't so excited that the weekend is coming.

The day was good, summer was coming to the end and you could already feel it, it was rainy and you wouldn't have to leave the house. You and Choso were in your bed, Twilight was playing on the TV as white noise, he had arrived first thing in the morning, not that you were complaining he made for you the most delicious pancakes for breakfast.

"You know, maybe I could ask Yuji to spend lunch with you."

"No need Cho, I'm a big girl, I'll be fine on my own."

"Yes but-"

"I swear." You put your hand on his thigh causing the tapping of his foot on the ground to stop. "Besides, a little  of lonliness doesn't hurt."

You didn't like that he did that, you didn't like that he believed that you needed friends, you weren't so alone and this was definitely not affecting you so much, you let them talk and you went on with your life, you were better than all of them or at least that's what you repeated to yourself every day as if it were a mantra.

"You always have time alone."

"And a little more isn't going to kill me, I swear."

Choso cares about you the same way he cares about his brothers even when you let him stand by for so long he was still there with you.

You both may seem completely different but you fit together like the pieces of a puzzle.

"So... Don't you want me to stay? I'll be quiet, I'm not going to bother you."

You shook your head. "You can go home, Cho." You noticed the fact that Choso didn't like you being alone with Megumi ever since you told him that he was your partner but he had managed to keep his displeasure contained up to this point.

"I don't know, Fushiguro has never seemed trustworthy to me."

"And why?" You tried to look surprised because you couldn't be less, of course you understood why Megumi didn't seem to be trustworthy.

"It's just that I don't think he's a good person, I don't like Yuji spending so much time with him, something tells me that he's not a good influence and I don't like the idea of leaving you alone with him." Choso had a very good instinct, with almost no margin for failure, perhaps he has developed it after years being so overprotective and although he controlled himself a little more with you he did not leave that Overprotection aside 100%.

"Remember that you can't judge a book by its cover."

"I know, I really know. Will your parents be late?" he ask hoping that you won't be alone with him for so long.

"Probably until after dark."

"I can stay." He seemed to keep hoping a bit that you would tell him to stay, but you didn't want to make things even more uncomfortable than you were already sure they would be.

You doubted Megumi would behave decently just because he was at your house.

"I'll be fine, I'm completely sure of that, and if something happens I'll call you, pinky promise." Choso left your house after you repeated at least 5 times that you would call him if something happened or if you didn't feel safe with Megumi.

Megumi was more punctual than you would have expected, at 3:00 he was already desperately knocking on your door and at 3:01 you had to see his ugly face again when you opened the door.

"Do you really live here?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, you felt your expression tighten, not that you lived in a pigsty but of course your home was small in front of someone who was lined with money like Megumi.

"Yes, come in." You weren't going to argue with him about this.

"How funny, I would have always thought you were a rich girl." He walked into your house while observing his surroundings in.

"There are few rich people in this town" He just muttered a little "I guess so" as he followed you to your bedroom, he couldn't help but a grimace would form on his face as soon as he walked in.

"Aren't you already a little old for this?" Too pink, too many ribbons and lace, too many stuffed animals and old dolls, it might as well be a room of a horror movie about a possessed girl.

"What's your problem?" You couldn't help but get defensive, with the attitude Megumi had had before, of course you doubted that he wasn't trying to annoy you.

"Relax, Angel." That little nickname felt completely poisonous coming out of his lips. "It was just a simple question." He slumped into your vintage vanity chair. It was funny how little megumi fit in your bedroom, sitting there surrounded by all those light colors, pearls and hearts while dressing in black leather, crosses, chains and military boots. Just as he did with the living room, he began to look around your room.

"Are you done snooping, Fushiguro?"

"No, not really." You snorted and sat down on your bed.

"What are all those boxes?" He seemed genuine but that made you suspicious because until now he had not seemed to want to talk to you, again you chose to think that maybe you had misunderstood everything or that he was just a little grumpy.

"I usually keep some memories or they are simply things that I don't know where to put anymore." There was a sweet smile on your lips, if he was willing to be kinder then you were more than happy to talk to him.

"Memories." he repeated as his eyes traveled once again through the boxes above your closet. "Any of Sasha's by chance?" you gritted your teeth slightly, you didn't want to think it was a Seizure, you two were best friends he had reason to ask about her.

"Yes." Though your smile became slightly awkward, there it was, sweet and kind. "A lot actually." There was a hint of affection and homesickness in your voice, those were great times even if you didn't recognize it in that moment.

"And you didn't keep any of the letters?" You took a deep breath. "Or did you also discard them?"

"I don't know what you're talking about." was an automatic response, memorized a long time ago but it felt weird coming out of your mouth after so many years. Of course you knew what he was talking about and Megumi was not easy to fool.

"Oh you definitely know what I'm talking about, everyone knows it." Although vague rumors spread when it all happened, you were at the moment where everyone blindly believed in you so everyone's attention was only focused on comforting you.

"People talk a lot and that doesn't mean they're right."

"I know as well as I also know that there is something hidden beneath all that sweetness."

"You don't know shit Megumi."

"Then tell me what happened, tell me your truth, I'm waiting for you."

"Stop this bullshit, you don't know anything about me and you'll never know. What happened wasn't your fucking problem so you're not going to get any explanation because I don't owe anything." He got up from his chair and walked towards you, you felt tense as much as you hadn't been in years, keeping calm was hard in front of him.

"Why are you so angry?" he was taunting you to your face. "It was a simple question."

"You ask a lot of shit."

He shrugged. "I'm curious."

"It. was. A. Provocation." you accused him.

"I think you're just paranoid, but hey I guess there's nothing you need to worry about if what you say is true."

You felt stupid, you knew he was right, if you weren't to blame you didn't have to be angry about his questions but you couldn't help it, megumi knew how push.

"We should start now or it will be late." Seeing how calm He was only made you feel worse, maybe it was just a simple question, maybe you were hysterical for no reason.

You didn't talk more than you needed to, and Megumi didn't bring up the subject again, but you didn't stop feeling tense. You hated the way he looked at you, you hated the little smile on his lips.

"I'll do the conclusion but have to do the cover and that shit." On the way to the front door while you shuffled along with your feet, all you wanted was for him to leave and be alone for a while. "Have a nice Night, Angel" And he left.

You went back to your room and dropped down on your bed, burying your face in your pillow and covering yourself with your sheets, you want to drown down there.

You didn't get out of bed again that Saturday and Sunday wasn't much different.

Monday came and of course you didn't remember the part you had to do to finish the project.

You felt tired, you had just gotten out of bed and you wanted to come back.

"Where is it?"

"Where's what?" You looked at megumi as he sat next to you.

"Your part of the project, the part I asked you to do." You didn't do anything and you didn't have any excuses, he didn't give you time to invent something because he noticed your expression. "Did you forget?"

"I-"

"What do you have in that little head of yours?"

"I-"

"I asked you for only one thing and yet you forgot, I left you the easiest thing and yet you are so useless that you didn't do it."

"I-"

"You forgot it all like the retarded bitch you are and-"

"Are you going to let me speak or not!?" you raised your voice, not too much but enough for him to shut his mouth and it was his turn to listen to you.

"I'll talk to the professor, he'll understand." You didn't let him answer, you just got up from your chair and went to the teacher's desk, you didn't care if you had been rude or not, he had been rude first. Megumi was making you lose your patience.

You invented an excuse that was not too elaborate but credible enough as you imagined it, the teacher gave you the opportunity to swallow it the next day. It wasn't such an important project and you were a good student, the teachers knew you so of course they were a little more lenient with you than with everyone else from time to time.

You returned to your seat with a big smile on your lips. "We can bring it tomorrow."

"Yes? And what did he ask of you in return? A blowjob?"

"Nothing," you said through gritted teeth.

"Right, you would do it for free." You didn't answer anything, you weren't going to fall for another of his provocations.

All the hope you ever had about being her friend was dead, you hated Megumi and you were sure of that.

Notes area

>Sorry for the mistakes, English it's not my first lenguaje.

>Feedback, comments and Suggestions are welcome.

>Thanks for reading.

Taglist (open) :

@iluv-ace @fishrene

[drdemonprince]

do you think it's worth it being nonbinary if you dont have like, body/physical dysphoria? Ive been identifying as nonbinary since i was 14 and when i was in high school it was great, i had my little liberal bubble queer friend group, and the rest of the school didnt pay much attention to me. My mom accepted me in the "i dont get it but whatever i dont want you to stop talking to me so i guess ill go along with it" sense, which while not perfect, its fine. But last september i started studying engineering and. Its really not going well. Like 85% of my classmates are straight guys and they range from thinking nonbinary people are cringe (and therefore they make fun of me when i walk by) to being extremely transphobic (im very scared of some of them.) And ive been trying to make friends with the girls in my class, and some of them are nice, but i can tell they also dont like that im nonbinary. One of them literally told me "i get that being a woman is hard, i dont like having periods or the ways guys look at me either, but you dont gain anything by denying yourself". So. I kind of think about that nearly every night now. Doubting whether im really nonbinary. And it really doesnt help knowing that basically every girl here either thinks that or just straight up thinks im gross and weird, ive literaly heard one of them go 'what is THAT doing in the womens' when i walked past her from the bathroom. I dont like going to class much.

Im thinking of detransisioning, i guess. I never started taking hormones (good luck getting those in eastern europe lol), so I could easily start looking like a cis girl again. These will be my coworkers and bosses, i cant live like this until i retire. i want to have fun uni experiences too. And ive been thinking so much lately about why im even doing this. Its just a few words that people call me by. Theres nonbinary people who use binary pronouns and pass as cis, i could be one of them and just not tell anyone that im actually nb. but on the other hand, it feels like im giving up on the trans community if i do this. Giving up on activism. Im sure im not the only one in this situation, if i detransition ill be letting them down completely. I dont want the next generation to be as fucked as this one. Also i came out very publicly to my entire class (i wanted to find other queer people to be friends with, i hoped that would do the trick maybe. I was so naive and stupid) and it will be so fucking humiliating to go back on that and im scared ill do all that and theyll keep treating me the same anyways because im already "tainted" by transness. So i would let so many people down for nothing.

The one other trans friend from my high school friend group solved this issue by paying more than ten fucking thousand euros per year to study in the netherlands btw. The exchange rate to our currency makes it somehow even worse than it sounds. Hes probably going to be able to start taking hormones before he gets his bachelors. I wish my mom was that rich :|

First of all, I want to say that I am so sorry anon that you are facing so much fucking exclusion and harassment. That kind of treatment pushes a lot of trans people into detransitioning, and it is brutal, and that this experience can happen to nonbinary people who are not on hormones but have otherwise transitioned is something that does not get acknowledged enough.

I can't tell you what you should do in your situation, because no outcome is great. But I think you might find some elements of this article from Kier Adrian Grey on ceasing their use of they/them pronouns (among the cis public!) interesting. They're an "ex anarchist" and a bit of an anti social justice dogma kinda person so I don't agree with them on many things, but I did like this point that they made:

"Hear me out: maybe the best way to understand they/them pronouns, within the context of a pluralistic democracy, is as a subcultural norm, a way for LGBT people to show respect for one another within our community. That sense of belonging I felt when I first found queer spaces was profound, and if using gender-neutral pronouns gives someone that gift, I am all for it. "But I do wonder if we are setting people up for hardship when we tell them that they should hope for, expect, or insist on they/them pronouns being used by everyone they encounter, and that they will be emotionally injured every time this fails to happen. In my thirteen years, misgendering was rarely malicious, and yet it still fed into a wounded identity and a suspicious worldview."

I don't think that what Kier has written about their experience applies to even most nonbinary people, and if taken too prescriptively by the wrong people it could be an awful dysphoria cope that leads a person to some pretty dark places. But! For someone whose feelings about it all are like Kier's, and whose life experiences have given them similar perspective, I think there is something to it. It's true that thinking a great deal about how one is gendered by others is crazy making and sometimes isolating, and if that's the sole way in which one's transness interfaces with the world, it's not always to the person's net benefit.

Here's the full piece:

I will say that based on all you had to say, anon, it would be a lot better for you if you could get around a lot of queer and trans people! What you're struggling with is not being seen and appreciated for who you are, and all the cis people undermining you are driving you crazy and making you doubt yourself. I'd MUCH prefer if you could find more local queer community or relocate if necessary to feel more appreciated as you are.

BUT if you find yourself resonating with this author's points and it feels like only being out to other trans and queer people would be good for you, that is okay to do. That isn't "detransitioning," it's being choosy about whom you trust. And many of us navigate those decisions. I'm not out as trans to everyone I meet! Most people just think I'm a cis guy. The big difference between you and me is that I have medically transitioned (and if you want to, I recommend ordering some hormones on India Mart!!!). You have some choices here about how much information you give to other people, how much you trust people who are incredibly ignorant, how much you will expose yourself to harm by making requests for treatment that might not happen, and how to build the community you need to survive this awful transphobic reality.

[quixote-ngc]

I swear, if you fuckers use my account to pick a fight one more time...

Anyway, it appears someone stuck her shapely SSC boot in it all the way to the knee. I stepped in it too a bit, which I apologize for. Still, as long as we're in it, let me pass along one last bit of advice.

I may be off base here, but it sounds like there are parts of your past you haven't made peace with yet. I've seen the type before.

Wasn't the majority, but GALCOMM got more than its share of former pirates. Kids who got in because of family, because they were desperate, because they didn't have a choice, or because they fell in with a bad crowd. Kids who found out that pirate life makes you do things, horrible things, and if you aren't built for it those things will haunt you like a ghost. When the opportunity came they switched sides, tried to make up for what they'd done. Find out how many acts of heroism it took to make up for all the massacres.

Not sure if that's you or not. For all I know you've come to terms with what you did, buried it with the rest, and moved on to a happier, healthier life. But it doesn't sound that way.

So here's my advice, from someone who's been around enough times to see where this ends. You can drag your ghosts with you as long as you want, but eventually one of two things will happen. You'll let go and move forward, or those ghosts will drag you to grave right alongside them.

Maybe you think that's what you deserve. Most of those ex-pirate kids did. And they died, almost every single one. We do boarding here at NGC, and that has a casualty rate like no other. If you go in with a deathwish then the bastard on the other side of the bulkhead will be happy to grant it.

Those kids, they let guilt ride them right into hell. They figured they were tainted goods, or maybe they just wanted the nightmares to stop. Either way, they jumped into it face first. Using themselves as living shields, going on suicide runs, overclocking until their frames melted, or riding weird Horus shit that could blow up and take out everything nearby when they went down.

They didn't care what happened to themselves, but we did. We had to watch them throw away their lives for no good reason. We had to hose what was left of them out of their wrecked frames. We had to pack up what little their guilt let them keep, and toss it into space because they wouldn't let themselves live enough to have anyone else to send it to.

Maybe that's not you. I hope it isn't. But I've got a bad feeling that I'm more right than I am wrong, and it's gonna be the death of you some day.

See, the thing about wounded troopers?

Their trigger fingers still work just fine.

I had that fucking dream again. The one with the tiger.

Omninet, have you ever told a lie that defined your entire life?

[hauntingblue]

Oden's prophecy of young pirates coming to save wano becoming yamato's hope for his freedom.... and him becoming oden because of it.... it's just so good... on the other side luffy taking ace's spot for liberating yamato... I think I hauve covid

[lunarharp]

wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

[faaun]

ok let's catch up quickly

[tenwhiteandalusians]

pertaining to the idea of tenax’s band of strays i do think it’s touching that the kids are the ones who saved him and waited outside the door to make sure he’s okay. for all tenax claims to be harsh and cruel it’s a fine indicator of his character that the kids won’t rest without him and are there every time he’s in danger.

[marrissacooper]

I see everyone criticising ttpd but for once I actually like it lol definitely better than midnights imo

[reputationstaylors]

this thing just reinforces that my mom would've liked me better if I was prettier

[thebigqueer]

its so funny to me that she was like 'you deserve better' because little does she even know she genuilnely was best. like no one is ever going to top her. and i know with my full heart that she will find better than me and im supposed to want that for her but i really really dont. cuz i know theres so much better than me but theres no one better than her

[foxcassius]

wait also my tags on that post were about people i knew in freshman and sophomore year of college specifically. i mean some of them i knew after that and most of them i knew from high school but damn some people really made everything about themselves when i was being emotionally manipulated in my freshman year

[not-the-grave]

the depth of abandonment trauma i'm discovering i have is kind of insane

[fingertipsmp3]

I swear to god everything from the weather to my equipment to my neighbours to my own fucking body is conspiring to make sure I don’t get a good run this week