#friends. but i didnt know if that was a problem for her or not and if it was i wish shed said so so that i could try better to fix all that
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Guys guess who might b getting glasses next month
#pawl3ss#life update#STORYTIME'N IN HERE BC I WANT TO :3#so like uh i had vision problems for a long time and tbh i didnt think it was THAT bad#like i could see enough to guess what was going on. slight blur ykwim#and i thought that everyone sees smt like that#like everyone sees it not that good and cant see things from a specific uhhh lenght idk how to call it aughhh#but like today in class we were only 4 kids (no idea where the others went) and we were trying on one of the girls glasses for funsies#and both of the other kids said they dont see so good in them and stuff and then they gave it to me#and i put em on like. I DIDNT KNOW THATS HOW YALL SEE EVERYTHING???#I LOOKED AT MY FRIENDS FACE LIKE. I CAN SEE HER BIRTHMARKS AND THE SLIGHT RED-ISH ON HER CHEEKS LIKE WHAT#AND I CAN READ THE TEXT ON THE BOARD?? SO IT WASNT THE CHALK'S PROBLEM AFTER ALL???? IT WAS ME??????#anyway im going to an eye doctor next month 😽
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i cant keep it hidden any longer
#i get nervousss n shit about gettin character voices all wrong#i spent all of yesterday worryin about if theyd say each others first names or last names or WHAT ! idkkk#i didnt write any more than this But i rlly rlly want to#basing this over the exact types of convos me n my friend have When i watch her play granny#i say dumb shit like ooohhh shes gonna get you Or why are you so mean to this old lady😢😢😢 to rile her up🤭 cos its funny#and then when i run out of things to say i start asking shitty would you rather questions like Would you rather make out with granny#or springtrap. would u rather have to be angel dust Hazbin hotel(she HATES him) or Pinkypills william afton (also HATES)#idk how id write that for these guys. ik theres gotta be a way though#my rambles#homestuck#writing feels more vulnerable than just my silly ass drawins Cos its lettin ppl peek in2 how i think n perceive shit . its intimidatinggg#but im posting it anyways !! ill fight off the urge to delete it the best i can#sayin all this Meanwhile it’s just a few lines from a pesterlog emulator LMAO . i take myself too seriously w stuff like this#rhas my problem i think . joviality come to me NOW! i am lighthearted and carefree about rhis#yaaaayayayaaayy!!!!#FOR THOSE WHO DONT KNOW. GRANNY IS A SHITTY MOBILE PUZZLE HORROR GAME. THE OG !!!#all the shit like Piggy on roblox. thats copying granny 😤😤😤😡😡😡#my drabbles
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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confession time :( my lifelong best friend and her boyfriend unabashedly live in sin (drugs, premarital sex, witchcraft, immodesty, the works). she is vehemently anti-Catholic as she says Catholics are a "hate group." one of her other friends said he planned to convert to Roman Catholicism and she immediately acted nasty towards him and told him not to convert. the worst part is she's encouraging my little brother to start living in sin. it makes me so scared.
we've been best friends since we were seven, we're in our twenties now. it's sad that I dedicate every day to Catholicism meanwhile she drives a car with a massive "hail satan" decal in the back /srs. i don't want to end our friendship, but it makes me so nervous that she's leading my brother down the same dark path she's on. please pray for me :(
Of course I'll pray 🖤
#prayer request#time for some advice you didnt ask for#if you dont care what i have to say no problem just stop reading 🖤#i know its hard and it hurts to think about breaking off your friendship#but your soul and your brothers soul is more important#and honestly maybe leaving would help her too#to me at least staying in this friendship just isnt worth it#its so much more than different beliefs and disagreements#its your lives#its your after lives#the company we keep can lift us up or tear us down#and being friends with someone who holds so much hatred for your faith can be very dangerous#please be cautious at least#especially when it concerns your brother
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know 🤭#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> 🛌#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out
#vent#its not like they didnt offer to hear my problems. but i just dont want to talk about. or anything#i dont want serious conversations. i dont want to have to worry about other people. i just cant.#im just so fucking exhausted and i dont know if its talking to them and feeling drained by the fact that theyre going through something-#-and that i need to be the therapist or if im just sick. again.#plus yesterday i slept late. my mum made me cry (i think she was just tired out by that point in the day so i doubt it was personal)#and just#im fucking tired ok#and I'm sorry im a bad friend#i just dont have energy. i want to have good energy around me to try give me some.#but when theyre upset it gets into me and drains me and I've been there as much as i can but i just cant right now. im too tired#i know im a shitty person but literally everyone got to be a shitty person at my expense so isnt it my fucking turn?#and then assuming i was acting like that to hurt them. I DO NOT WANT TO HURT ANYONE. IF WE HAVE A FIGHT I WANT TO MOVE ON.#I'm not gonna be caught up in it if we resolved it#but yeah. long story short they're going through shit and i feel like shit#and i think them going through shit is what makes me feel like shit. because i worry about them#and they can lash out on me#i just dont know anymore. i dont know if im an awful person or not#last year i broke up with a friend and my mum said I'll do the same with the next friend#it wasnt my fault#that friend ghosted me#im trying not to be her rn too and im scared that ive been in the wrong im scared im a shitty person too#but at the same time im too done to even really care#i just wanna stop fucking feeling all this and just get on with my day
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The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules
#the klock keeps ticking#i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter#cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟#a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts#and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it#plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice#i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of#commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out#but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just#wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts#aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally#i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is#and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route#cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet#its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately#and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing#and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god#like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better#she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years#like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex#and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn#and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset#rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions#and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand#that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good#character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let#her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’#but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make#everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED#ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING
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I sometimes don't know what to say when people are like, "ugh it sucks being a woman - I hate shaving my legs!!" because it's easy to be like, "then don't", and for some people that works, but I also understand that it's a deeper problem than that, and whilst personally, I revel in the queerness of my hairy body, not everyone wants that, but also that body hair shouldn't be seen as un-feminine anyway and body hair shouldn't be some kind of statement and....idk.
#shaving legs can be replaced with like. styling my hair. or wearing foundation. or whatever#this isnt specifically about that#mostly this is work colleagues because all my friends have nuanced genders lmao#we were talking yesterday about shaving and waxing and my manager was so shocked when i said i didnt shave my legs#and asked to see 😂😂#what made me sad was that she said her daughter will have problems because her dad has dark hair so her#body hair is going to be dark#her daughter is like 7 or something#it's just. it goes so deep!!!#my manager was so close to being like. well its fine because you're a queer lmao#when i was like. i just. dont shave lol. just dont do it#she was like. hmm. well. that's fine for you because. actually. why /don't/ you shave....#😂😂 i was like. oh. it was a covid decision! (kind of true)#anyway. if anyone has any legit advice for this i will hear it#i find it hard to sympathise and connect with this anymore idk#well. no. like. i do understand. i just dont know how to relate anymore i guess#woes of emily
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it's real interesting to me when self-proclaimed trans allies, or even other queer people, automatically and subconsciously refer to trans men and trans women as "they" in contexts where they don't to cis people
#based off of SO MANY comments online that do this‚ even when offering support to a trans person's page#and also my friend‚ whom i think is nonbinary‚ but could also just not care abt her gender enough to bother#(idk ive never asked)#who refers to me as they‚ and also a mutual trans friend who‚ unless he came out again in the last five years‚ is a dude#like it seems to be just as automatic as he or she is for cis men & women#i wish i could post this on a social media that any of them have access to‚ but I'm trying to be stealth so that ain't gonna fly lol#o.#trans#transgender#ftm#mtf#trans man#trans woman#transphobia#degendering#i don't even think they notice they're doing it either#like w my friend‚ i obv was referring to our mutual friend as he (since‚ again‚ he's a dude) and she didnt even seem to notice that she kep#saying they#and i know it's not a language issue or whatever bc all the rest of our friend group gets he no problem. coincidentally they are all cis.#anywayyyy#how to tell people to stop doing this without also outing myself to every other person whom i Didn't know pre-transition
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lot of ppl upset abt the lack of. Any Real Acknowledgement of Gojo dying and I'm not saying they're wrong but I did realize that I think that's pretty much just how JJK is. Like Riko died. Anyway. Kuroi maybe? We don't know. Haibara died. Ok. Geto died. Like that's a big part of the plot but Gojo doesn't tell the first years SHIT about him. They just know there's a weird monk fucking everything up (and that's fucking Kenjaku lmao). Nanako and Mimiko. Nanako and fucking Mimiko. Like I'm not saying this is... Okay I'm mad about Riko bc like. She's a big part of the reason Geto BECAME A MASS MURDERER I'd enjoy if he mourned her more. I JUST REMEBERED THAT YUKI DIED. And Choso. ANYWAY I don't think this is Terrible Storytelling bc it does feel indicative of the way Jujutsu Society treats sorcerers (and potentialy civilians) where you're just expected to fucking Move Along. And I think there might be something genuine in Gojo, being a part of that system, still feeling like what he wants is to fade away after he dies, arguably showing that in the end he is the same as everyone else, he's human, he's mortal. And that being both a genuine desire and warped coping mechanism, and the way that's hard to truly parse. But also it does kinda sucks when the characters seem to straight up Forget the ppl who died... Like. Sorry I just got so mad Abt Larue and Miguel and THEY DONT EVEN TALK ABOUT NANAKO AND MIMIKO? TBEY TALK ABOUU MISSING GETO BUT WE CANT GET A SINGLE FUCKING MENTION OF HIS GOD DAMN DAUGHTERS? anyway the treatment of death in JJK is a good Foundation for themes and emotional resonance but uhhh Gege kinda sucks at writing so it's. It's eh
#JJK spoilers#Any and every fic I write where Riko dies. You bet everyone is going to be Fucking Upset. And yes I'm roping in Shoko#ANYWAY a personal gripe I have w JJK that I feel is half like Genuine Problem and half My Preferences is that it sometimes feels too#Idk exactly how to put this. Isolated maybe? First of all not enough characters who aren't sorcerers so the world feels off balance#Second of all the characters don't interact as much as I think they should. We don't get enough Tokyo/Kyoto interactions#We don't get enough Shoko/literally anyone interactions. We don't get enough Utahime/literally anyone interactions#I'm going to crawl into a hole and die. Riko is just fucking gone once the star plasma mission is over. Yuki doesn't even talk Abt her#Like. I know the twist comes later but.... AUGHHHHHH hurts. It all hurts. Fuck the culling games that shit SUCKED#We DIDNT NEED MOST OF THOSE CHARACTERS GEGE STOP MAKING NEW FUCKING PEOPLE. IM LOSING IT.#Anyway I'm going to my corner to be mad Abt the treatment of Riko Kuroi Nanako and Mimiko#FUCKING KOKICHI DIED. AND MAI. JESUS#I think the fact I refuse to let them die in my fics bc. I think they were wasted as characters. Is definitely messing with my memories#Of which characters died. But I also do feel like when a character dies they just kinda... Fade away instead of. Being acknowledged#As friends and family and even just people. Like it only matters for a few minutes and then you're done. So it's hard#To remember who actually fucking died cause the characters never fucking act like anyone DIED.#Someone should euthanize me
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christ i know its her birthday but i just have too much to do i cant manage that i really cant. but the paralysing fucking dread of having to tell her that sure is something lol
#love her a lot and we've been friends for almost 10 years now but the way im always walking on eggshells around her#to make sure i dont upset her because i know it only takes the tiniest bit of fuckup and she's mad before you even realise it#like fucksake not to say im jesus or sth but i try so hard to be understanding and not get mad at people because damn dude stuff happens#or sometimes there is no stuff. sometimes you just feel Bad and dont wanna hang out. and i get that i truly viscerally get that#and ive never ONCE gotten mad at her for cancelling. scratch that. never once got mad at her for ANYTHING#never once told her she disappointed me or let me down because good christ i just dont look at people like that#i just wish so desperately this approach would be extended to ME every once in a while#im so fucking tired man i dont get it#i couldnt imagine going through life thinking anyone owes you anything.#she forgot my birthday this year and i didnt care. she didnt arrive to the planned weekend out at my place with our friends#and i said dw about it its fine i understand that you're not feeling well rn its okay no problem we'll hang out another time#have i EVER heard that from anyone else. no it's always the ✨getting mad✨ option#god i wish i could like. Not Care. like genuinely not care instead of gaslighting myself into not caring lol
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one of my controversial opinions is i won't stop using the word narcissist in a way its been used my whole life because of a psychiatric label/diagnosis that shouldn't be called that in the first place
#like feel free to disagree but everytime people get mad at a usage of that word in a way - as far as i know - far older than#the INSULTING psychiatric diagnosis i lose my mind a little#the damn personality disorder's name is the problem here#i remember a friend from group therapy calling me just like sooo upset and distressed bc the therapists put that in her diagnosis papers#and like she didnt even know what exactly that was supposed to mean but its a hurtful label to be Diagnosed With#like can we fucking. criticize that and psychiatry sometimes instead of being like#omg dont call people self centered assholes :/ look up self centered asshole disorder you ignorant bitch#anyways im half asleep so this might be incoherent#i just keep seeing that post thats like abt how people misuse terms like love bombing and trauma bonding etc#and im like YEAH! GOOD#and then the damn narcissist part kicks in
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cw post / tags. sorry
i don't even know if i have the words
to express this
she's gone
and its all my fault
#~ . 🥀#half my brain wants to scream to cry to do something#the other half wants to lie here forever and wait til i go numb#im in such a state of shock rn i .m gonna throw up#for context#2 hours ago as of writing this i received news that a loved one committed suicide#i was one of the only people that knew she was severely depressed / suicidal i shouldve seen the signs#i shouldve helped her more or called her or told someone#i was a coward. i couldn't.#and because i willingly did nothing to stop someone from dying#i am compliant. therefore . its my fault shes dead#.#this isnt some story where you can rewrite the ending#this is real life#and now i watched someone i love die and will have to live with the guilt of knowing i couldve done something but chose not to#the worst type of person.#i didnt deserve to be friends with someone like her.#no one did. she was smart and witty and oh so stubborn (affectionate)#we both loved the same bands. i don't know if i can ever listen to those bands the same way again#god i cant think#im actually gonna throw up#this is the 2nd time in my life something like this has happened. 3rd if you count all COD not just suicide#knowing something is wrong with a loved one but being too much of a wuss to tell anyone or help them or do anything useful#god im fucking worthless#my friends and family will vent to me and share their problems with me and ill say i care and tell myself i care#but givenmy behavior i don't think i can ever say i can#idoly standing by while people i love suffer#fuckin pathetic#this was a deliberate choice i made. this is all my fault#this is all my fault
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so what if i killed myself.
#my moms been having health problems for a few months now so that means that she hasnt gone to the village to help my grandma#and in august since the caretaker(s) have holidays. usually its my mom my aunt and my uncle who take turns taking care of my grandma#but since my moms been having these problems. my aunt and uncle told her that she didnt have to help and that theyd do it#so like two days ago then i find out that my mom is going to the village bc my uncle is staying there. shes not gonna do any heavy lifting#but shes gonna be there in case my grandma needs anything#so i tell her that i wanna go too. and she says 'no. im gonna take a blablacar to go there'#she also said that i cant just go to the village to just see my friends and party. and that i need to help if i wanna go there#SO THEN i tell her that ok. i can go there this weekend and help her as well. SO NOW she tells me that no. i shouldve said so earlier bc no#all the plans are made. and she doesnt have to tell me everything (like the fact that my aunt and uncle didnt count her in august to help)#so like?????? im just supposed to know everything myself???????? like bro. i go to the village ONCE a year. last time i went it was christm#*christmas. and i had a shit time bc i had covid AND i was studying for exams. so like. when else am i supposed to go to the village??????#then she complains that im like. loosing contact w my aunts and uncle but its like. the only time i see them is in the village#BUT YOU WONT LET ME GO????????????? like im truly crying out of desperation at this point bc im gonna be stuck in this shithole place (zgz)#all fucking august long. all bc my mom doesnt think i should go to the village if i dont help. but also she doesnt say WHEN i could help#SO WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!! im apparently just supposed to know these things#parents who have taught their daughter to be quiet and not be a bother surprised when their child (who is no longer a daughter)#keeps quiet and tries do do as theyre told instead of being proactive. bc thats what they taught her#suicide mention#z xarre
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why are men literally the fucking worst
#theres a guy in one of my uni friend groups who has a crush on my friend also from the friend group#and she feels so so uncomfortable plus she hasnt done ANYTHING thatd give a hint that she likes him back. bc she doesnt#and now she doesnt feel ok around because hes so attached to her and so so needy and its like. well. way to fuck it up dude. fuck you#he has been acting so strange lately and not in a good way. strange awkward and needy and like. possesive.#her and i also have another friendgroup where frankly i feel much better with and she does too. and its like. well the guy is always like#butting in but now really being part of anything? like its not like he comes over to the grouo to be with all of us hes just sort of . there#talking only to her or sometimes me but its like not nice its weird and annoying#ALSO HES SO PATRONIZING TOWARDS HER ITS AWFUL#AND hes like. a bit older.... where its not like. the weirdest age gap i dont think so. but it IS a bit weird considering some of the things#he has said. like the other day he made a comment about how my friend 'well shes so young like people her age sometimes dont get [x]' like?#if you think she is SOOO young and SOOO out of touch with people your age well why the fuck are you asking others if you have a chance w her#get away from her really#sidenote: today she was telling me and a different friend about this problem and my other friend said it was really uncomfortable and bad +#that he used to think the guy had a thing for ME BEFORE??? and i dont know if he also thought -i- had a thing for him but please god no.#even the hypothetical made me feel super uncomfortable. also i used to feel like that a bit like he might like me and it was bad and gross#so i dropped a comment that let him believe i was a lesbian i think? also got much colder towards him . like. thats what you get fucker#about the lesbian thing i meant that he told me about a friend of his that had it hard coming out as a lesbian and i said like oh yeah being#like that was hard for me also. finding out i was not straight was tough etc .#dont remember if i said the word lesbian i dont think so but i did say i like girls and i didnt mention boys at all so i hoped itd be enough#also people dont really -get- what being asexuas means + didnt want to tell him im ace + techically i Can like boys bc romantic attraction#is undefined to me but i was definetely not going to tell him that bc 1. im much more prone to like a girl and 2. not trying to get his hope#up.#so anyway it was gross to realize other people saw it too so i mightve actually not been insane to think he had a crush on me but it was bad#and also. i really need for my friend to be comfortable in class so i might have to kill him who knows. well see#spikeposting#personal
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i guess our wants and needs and expectations dont align so we dont work out as friends and i just need to accept that. no matter how much she meant to me and how much i wished it wouldnt be like this
#i need to accept but obv it's so painful#when someone is dear to you but the same problems keep arising and not getting solved#she finally said i'm not a good friend to you i dont deny that. so let's end it#i cant force anything i know i tried to fix things. i tried telling her when i didnt like something but she fled from me#instead of facing me talking to me try to find a solition or disagree. she fled and gave me the silent treatment#and appeared again months later trying to fix things by giving me a gift. which even that she didnt do#and when i insisted on wanting to talk asking what all this is about she said look. let's end things#nesi rants
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