#i want to talk but I am a awful conversation partner i feel like that part of me broke ages ago

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[etfrin]

❝ꜱᴏᴜʟꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴄʀᴜꜱʜ❞ — chapter fifteen | coriolanus snow

「ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢ:」 NSFW | male masterbation, Coriolanus Snow, Dr. Gaul, canon typical violence, mentions of death | lmk if I forgot anything

「ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ:」 young! Coriolanus Snow x fem! Reader

「ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ:」 you punish Coryo in your own way and Coriolanus figures out a solution for the snake problem :D

「ᴀ/ɴ:」 hope you guys like this!! <333 please remember to give your feedback, this was supposed to be longer but i decided that what i have planned will be better for the next chapter!

Beta read by the stunning ✨ @nowitsmissing ✨

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The rest of the gala went incredibly well. Being introduced as your partner made the others look at him with newfound respect. He truly had underestimated your value and felt guilty for it. He spent the rest of the night being paraded but it all ended well since even the men who weren't as interested in him before seemed intrigued.

All is well when the end is well.

The night ends with a kiss in front of the cameras. That had sealed the deal. You had truly forgiven him for his mishap now, or so he thought. In the car ride back home you hadn't looked at him. Even if he tried to make conversation with you; you replied with one-word answers.

Coriolanus looks away from you, giving his attention to the Capitol streets instead. It was very boring. He hated it. So he begins to ramble, not caring a bit that you weren't giving him attention. You were forced to listen. He begins from the top, talking about Clemmie and Festus and how they helped him. Coryo adds about Dr. Gaul. Her interactions with him.

He smirks when he sees the angry twitch of your fingers. He begins to talk about some other elite. Some opinions of awe and a few judgemental (even though he had no right to judge).

“God, you can't shut up, can you?” You groan, turning to him. Your hands pull at his suit, bringing him closer to you. You kissed him, but it was more like a sudden clash of teeth. Coriolanus didn't mind, he moaned into the kiss. His hands fisted so they didn't venture on places it shouldn't. He didn't want to make you more mad.

You suck his lower lip. The kiss was messy and sloppy. But it felt so good that Coriolanus refused to separate. He loves how good posca tasted on your tongue. He whined at the taste, feeling drunk by it. “You're mine,” he murmured against your lips.

He doesn't see you rolling your eyes. You replied, “Shut up.” And pulled him into another bruising kiss. Your hand was in his curls, and he groaned into your mouth as you pulled the blonde strands hard. “Dove-” he whines.

It didn't matter to you he felt overwhelmed.

You continued pressing him kisses until he was breathing hard and unable to kiss back properly. His brain was mush, his cock hard and because of the darkness of his pants, the pre-cum stain wasn't visible. You finally lean back satisfied when all he can do is whine pitifully. His lips were swollen, and sensitive. His eyes were closed and he couldn't speak. He wanted to beg for another kiss.

He didn't because he relaxed in his seat, unable to make eye contact with you because of the mess you made of him. You weren't going to play with him any further and he knew that. This was a punishment. His hard cock straining against his pants, wanting to cum was proof of it.

This was his own doing.

“I am sorry,” he whines, his hand pressing on his bulge.

“You're forgiven,” you sweetly lie as if you wouldn't repeat this punishment if he messed up again.

“Here ya go, safe and sound. Good night, Coryo. Sweet dreams,” your eyes drop to his bulge and you smile, “hopefully of me, pretty boy.”

He gets out of the car. Coriolanus stomps the ground, childish he knows but what else could he do? He even lets out a few curses, trying to ignore the ache of his cock. He barely talks to Tigris when he enters home. He tells her thank you for the clothes before he locks himself shut in his room.

He muffled his groan with his free hand, the other hand freeing his cock from the confines of his pants. He begins to stroke his length, dry and fast. Not caring that it's a bit painful. He needed to cum. He whimpers and whines, his eyes watering. Fuck, it burned. He spits in his hand, using it as lube. He lets out a satisfying moan before biting his lower lip. He tasted blood but didn't care.

Realizing nobody had listened to the noise, he kept going until finally, his dick shoots out ropes of white cum. He sighs, wiping his lip clean of the blood. Blinking away tears of relief. You turned him into such a mess. Only you could do that. He now realized he could never make the same mistake he did today.

He was yours.

And now everyone in the Capitol with a TV knows it. He takes off the suit and showers. He changed into his pajamas and led himself to bed.

When he dreams, it's of course about you.

✧ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ✦✧✦ ▬▭▬ ▬▭▬ ✧

Snow's in the auditorium, the morning starting slow. Something had happened, and he received multiple condolences. Felix Ravinstill was dead, it was a public announcement that happened earlier when he still hadn't come to the auditorium. The reaper kid had torn off the flag and used it to cover dead bodies. A gesture with a great impact. The impact was ruined because of what the rebels had previously done and Dr. Gaul took advantage of it.

Coriolanus rolls his eyes as he sees the highlight footage of it. He has to admire the way Dr. Gaul used his classmate's death in this manner. She made it seem like it had much more importance than the death of the tributes. When it was all just the same. Coryo lets this thought wander in his mind.

His attention to the screens snaps back when he sees Coral’s pack gathering all of the remaining water bottles in a circle. Snow realized if anything was distracting the pack, it would be a perfect opportunity for Lucy Gray to secretly poison the water. He hoped Lucy Gray was smart enough to realize this too.

He encourages (tricks) several of his classmates to send food, telling them their tributes are smart enough not to get hurt. When brought up about Jessup, he refuted that the boy was sick anyway. A few mentors who felt pity for their tributes didn't need much convincing. They send several drones of water and food distracting the tributes away from the vent Lucy Gray was hiding in.

Lucy Gray takes the hint! She slips out of her vent, she's careful as she drugs the water and the surrounding food. It was barely seen by the camera. If viewed by the naked eye, it would look like she was eating the food. Coriolanus smirks, though the feeling of triumph is short-lived.

He soon thought of a line that Dr. Gaul had said during the broadcast. The enemies will be seeing a rainbow of destruction. The snakes! Dr. Gaul will be releasing the snakes into the arena. Fuck! He has to do something soon! He knew that the snakes don't react to familiar scents and he had a handkerchief stained with Lucy Gray's tears.

It has to work.

Coriolanus thought of an insane plan but there's no other way. He needs to do it if he wants Lucy Gray to win. He goes on his way to meet Dr. Gaul. The stitches in his back weren't healed yet, and Coryo pulled at them. He can feel the wound bleeding again and winces in pain.

Snow enters the lab. The snake cage in sight made him swallow in nervousness. “Mr. Snow,” Dr. Gaul acknowledged. “Came to beg for her life?” It took him a moment of panic to realize that Gaul meant the poor songbird and not you.

“The stitches pulled, I didn't go to the hospital because I didn't want them to ask questions,” Coriolanus said, praying that the excuse made sense.

“You did the right thing,” Dr. Gaul approved.

Coriolanus sat down, taking off his uniform to reveal his bleeding wounds. He could see birds in a cage and wondered in awe (and horror) about what experiment they went through. With a closer look, he noticed what they were.

Dr. Gaul confirms his suspicions.

“Jabberjays.”

“Made for the war to pick up rebel conversations and squawk it back to us word by word,” she adds, her hand picking up a remote. “Failed experiment but an instructive one.”

Dr. Gaul describes her plan for them. “I am rounding them up district by district now to see what better purposes they might serve.” Coryo paid mild attention as he saw people preparing to carry out the snake cage outside. Dr. Gaul clicks the button of the remote and the jabberjays repeat everything word by word. Perfectly. Coriolanus was a bit impressed.

“They're all done,” Dr. Gaul said. His stitches were stitched back together. He grunts softly in pain. He eyes the cage that the staff takes away. He takes his time wearing his shirt, he doesn't want to seem eager to get away. He couldn't afford suspicion.

“Thank you, Dr. Gaul.”

He walks out of the lab with shaky legs before breaking into a sprint trying to locate the cage. Thankfully he finds the cage, ready to be taken to the arena. He didn't see anyone in sight. He took the handkerchief and found a gap to push it inside. The scent of Lucy Gray will not be unfamiliar to the snakes.

Therefore if she dies, it won't be by them.

NEXT PART

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not letting my partner meet my parents?

I (26 “F” (closeted nonbinary passing as cis for safety reasons)) am queer, formerly out as a lesbian which my parents knew about for the past 10 or so years. They didn’t accept me at first and it caused serious issues, but around 3 years ago they begrudgingly decided I wasn’t literal satan spawn and don’t need to go to conversion therapy.

The thing is, they’re still very viciously transphobic, and my partner (26M) is a trans man. I never updated my parents on my labels because I don’t talk to them often, and I know they will throw a hissy fit about the mere existance of a transgender person instead of judging him as a person after meeting him. My mom spouts all sorts of transphobic rhetoric whenever I see her because she’s been keeping up with our state’s politics, and she also posts it on facebook all the time. She’s more against trans women than trans men but she still says awful things about both. She’s a bigot.

We’ve been together for a year now. His parents are supportive of him and our relationship and I’ve had dinner with them about 6 times. Unfortunately, his parents have started seriously pressuring him into meeting my parents, which I’ve always shut down in conversation. They apparently told him that it’s a “red flag” that I won’t let him meet my family.

So he asked me why he can’t meet my parents and I said it’s because they’re bigots. It’s true, they will actually say offensive stuff TO RANDOM TRANS PEOPLE they see just existing and minding their own business in public. I don’t want to expose my partner to that. He says he can handle it, but I told him the idea of my parents saying awful things to him makes me angry and uncomfortable, to which he shifted the blame to “me being embarrassed to be with him”. He then brought up that my parents initially rejected me but then came around years later.

I then told him that my parents are physically abusive, when things get bad at home in arguments I often get things thrown at me / hit with stuff. Yes, I’m an adult, I know it’s fucked up and why I don’t visit them if I can help it. He didn’t understand and said to just “call the police” on them if they got physical.

Part of me feels like maybe I should just bite the bullet and bring him to meet my parents and then deal with the shitstorm that will follow, but it’s really avoidable stress that I don’t want to deal with so I stood my ground. My partner keeps warping it into a “trust” thing and refuses to see my side of the situation.

Adding this as INFO bc I feel like people would ask, my partner is visibly a trans man and cannot pass as a cis man or a cis woman in a way that my parents would be “fooled” by, nor would I ever ask him to do something like that for me.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

I have a stupid question, feel free not to answer.

I have SA trauma from a woman. I'm AFAB and bi. I'm a virgin if you don't count non consentual shit. I'm worried that when/if I get a girlfriend (assuming she's AFAB ofc) I'll have to disclose my trauma in order to opt out of oral sex. For the record, I'm not interested in giving or receiving but I see a lot of discourse online about how unreciprocated cunnilingus is anti woman and how it makes you an awful partner and 'you're not really comfortable with yourself' etc. That type of talk feels vaguely rad femmy to me, but is it ok to have preferences like this? Am I doomed to have to relive some fucked up shit any time someone wants to sleep with me?

I have more questions but I'm not going to bother you rn. Thanks for reading anyways

Bye!

hi anon,

I have great news: you actually don't even need an "excuse" like trauma to opt out of oral sex. you actually don't need an excuse to opt out of anything you don't want to do when you have sex; "no" is a complete sentence and partners who can't rock with that are not partners you want to spend much time with, especially not having sex.

what would probably be helpful is having a conversation sometime prior to The Actual Moment When Oral Sex Could Be Happening that runs along the lines of "hey, just a heads up, I really like you but I'm not interested in giving or receiving oral sex. is that a dealbreaker for you? if not, I'd love to talk about other things that would be fun to do together, because I do want to have sex with you in other ways." communication is a requirement, yes, but disclosing and reliving your trauma is absolutely not.

having preferences and boundaries is the most fine and normal thing in the world, never feel bad about that. and please feel free to ask other questions, it's never a bother :)

[hirayaea]

what is your opinion about queen mc?

hello anonie ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

ohhh thank you for such a nice question! I am sure that I have mentioned several times that I love the Astria Knyght era, and it goes without saying that queen mc’s story is definitely one of the most interesting plot lines for me as a seiya main

all seiya-mc-incarnations are products of their time— their personalities, mannerisms and the way they make decisions shift a bit based on their circumstance + which era they were born in. they’re also all heavily influenced by how xavier treats them

let me expound by comparing shooting stars mc and queen mc:

1) shooting stars mc was born in a recently-made-post-earth Philos. she mentions her teachers still lived on earth and the way they do school is still quite similar to how education was done in earth. immortality is known to the human race but not everyone is blessed with it—there are still illnesses modern medicine cannot cure, and she has been told that she will not live as long as everyone else. at the point that we meet her, she’s already accepted her fate; this makes her very headstrong—a go-getter so to speak—choosing to live out her dreams the way she wants because she knows she’s on borrowed time. when she develops a crush on xavier, she doesn’t hesitate��she confidently takes a leap of faith and asks him out, barging into his life like a whirlwind, literally taking his hand and whisking him away. she’s smitten and she knows it! her happiness is her hands and she doesn’t want any regrets in her short life. she’s young and free and unashamed, and this works on her xavier because he’s the exact opposite—caged and restrained, bound by duty and family he didn’t even choose. she’s a breath of fresh air for him, and you can see he looks to her with awe and adoration, which only makes her braver. until the end, she wasn’t afraid to show xavier her feelings, and even after they were separated, all she wanted was to tell him that she wanted to be with him again, because despite their time together only being fleeting, he made her happy.

2) queen mc, on the other hand, was taken in as a child* by her swordsmaster and mentor, and was told from a young age that she would train to become xavier’s grandis knight. i’m assuming they met in this circumstance—with their roles already being known to each other—xavier as future king and mc as his protector. duty was always a prominent factor in their relationship. it explains why queen mc takes her role so seriously; she wants to perform well in school, be good at swordsmanship, and she scolds xavier for abandoning his duties when he avoids his family and plays hooky. yet she still covers for him when push comes to shove. it is quite obvious she is in love with him; they are childhood friends, sparring partners, and are probably are always together—likely it’s a love that grew over time, something that bloomed without her even realizing it. but the thing is, this love of hers conflicts with her duty, and since she grew up wanting to excel at her role, it makes her confused and insecure. not to mention, xavier is never direct enough with her when it comes to his own feelings. she senses he is in love with someone but she doesn’t know who, and it adds to her doubts—in the end the two of them never have a straight conversation about how they feel. queen mc always feels like xavier is talking about someone else because her insecurities don’t lead her to believe he could mean her, while xavier is too focused on the bigger picture + saving her life (without her knowing) to elaborate. because xavier also knows how focused she is on achieving her goals, he’s chosen to take a more supportive role with regards to romance—he gives her hints that he wants to whisk her away, but only if she wants to run. in the end the choice is up to her, but because she’s also uncertain of xavier’s feelings, she doesn’t quite grasp the depth of what he means and instead chooses to respond with what she knows—that she’s focused on being a grandis knight. xavier takes this in stride and continues to wait for her while trying to achieve his own agenda. in the end, though, they both choose to fulfill their duties; xavier ends up choosing to do operation backtrack to save philos (and her), while mc chooses to become queen of philos to protect the kingdom she swore to serve.

what is interesting for me regarding the decisions they made is that it is xavier that initiates it; sometime in the 200 year gap they were separated, he figures out that there is no way to save mc in the current timeline and he must go back to the beginning to save her life. he actually tells mc this but mc assumes he’s talking about a different girl, and you can see that she tries to give up on him right then and there. her insecurities eat her up and her defense mechanism is to put up a wall and tell him “okay, you do your duty and i’ll do mine”. essentially instead of confessing her love (which she has awkwardly tried to convey) she assumes xavier doesn’t choose her, so she also doesn’t choose him, and they both choose the greater powers they serve. at the end of the anecdote we know she is extremely heartbroken about this, as she makes that extremely sad monologue about her star leaving her.

i point this out because given that mc felt like xavier had a different beloved, i wonder how things might have been if xavier was more direct with her? honestly he was giving enough hints but our girl was so deep in her belief that he loved someone else that she just kept on falling down that rabbit hole and never got out of it. but i still blame xavier because i strongly sense he knew he wasn’t being clear enough and the vagueness was intentional for his own goals (to protect her and philos from the truth)

the lightseeker era could honestly have its own drama show and I’d be there for it 100%

sorry I rambled a lot, feel free ask more questions for clarification :)

thank you ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

[pablitogavii]

hiii <333 hope you’re doing great today !! Can you do a jealous gavi story. i looooveee the way you write those. where the reader has this male friend who’s doesn’t like gavi:)))

Jealous boy

You were working on your final project for a world history class with one of your best friends from uni. Jake was in the same class as you and ever since you were paired up in the beginning you remained really good friends.

Everything would have been fine if your boyfriend Pablo wasn't giving him the hard time whenever he would see him. Pablo was usually a very humble boy, being polite and good with everyone but around Jake he turns into a real asshole sometimes.

"Amor! I'm back preciosa! Do you want to go out and.." Pablo rushed in pausing when he saw you and Jake on the floor working on the poster diligently.

"You again!?" Pablo said and you rolled your eyes knowing it will be uncomfortable once again. Couldn't he just be nice to your friend for once!?

"Yeah, me again!" Jake answered just as angrily and you got up pulling Pablo to the bedroom with an excuse of having to 'talk to him about something'.

"Alright, amor..the first few nights I though whatever he's nice and you study together..when it turned into weeks he was starting to piss me of..but now I wonder whose girl are you even!?" Pablo was angry clenching his jawline and you couldn't believe he was freaking out over such stupid thing. Didn't he know you were head over heels in love with him!?

"I'm your girl..please stop making a scene Pablo! Jake is just my friend and we are partners for this project..working with him determined my grade!" you say raising your hands up in surrender and he groans rolling his eyes in process.

"Working with him determines your relationship too!" Pablo said and you shook your head in disbelief that he was really this angry over a guy you could care less about.

"Don't tell me you're jealous of Jake!? He is not even my type..besides I am all yours Pablito and you know that!" you say about to reach out to him but he pulls away still agitated which was starting to turn you on..jealous Pablo was a whole level of hot.

"You're spending sixteen hours together! First at school and then your little study dates in out apartment! And with me you barely spend a few hours in the morning and at night in bed!" Pablo was clearly not letting this go and it was driving you insane now too.

"Dates!? We are finishing a final project together Pablo! And after that we won't even have that class together! I am not the only busy one too. Your trainings last all day" you say and he was done with this conversation grabbing his jacket despite you protesting and asking him to stay.

"Call me when he leaves!" he said slamming the door and you sigh wishing he would just act reasonable and not like a jealous boy right now. You went back to finish the project and give Pablo some space to cool down.

Jake left when you were done and you tried calling Pablo but he wouldn't pick up. You were starting to get very worried when it was time for bed and he was still not home.

"Amor, please come home ❤️" you texted him while laying in bed feeling awful about the whole fight and really missing him holding you like always..it felt so empty without him.

After another twenty minutes, the front door opened and you jumped up sitting in bed and waiting for Pablo to come into the bedroom. When he did, you smile but he didn't return it making you know he is still mad..at least he was home.

He changed and laid besides you going on his phone which you hated but decided not to disturb him just staring at his handsome face longingly..you wanted cuddles..and kisses..all from him.

You couldn't handle the silence any more getting up and grabbing your blanket which caught his attention.

"Where are you going amor?" he said and you were glad he was still using the same nickname at lease. You turned around with sad eyes.

"I can't sleep like this..having you angry at me..and so close. I will go to the guest room" you say about to get up but he reached his hand and grabbed yours making you sit down.

"Bueno. Let's talk about it ?" he said and you smiled weakly nodding and turning around to face him.

"You were right..I was jealous of Jake but not because I don't trust you..just because I am selfish like that, I don't like sharing someone I love with anyone" Pablo said and you listened carefully understanding him completely. You would acted the same if he had another girl in his life..hell sometimes it happens when he gives Aurora so much attention. Guess, you were both very jealous people.

"You're not sharing me Pablito..if you stayed I would have sat on your lap while finishing that project..you would be always the focus of my attention because tu eres mi amor" you say moving closer carefully and he smiled finally opening his arms and asking you to come closer.

"Cercate preciosa" he said and that was it as you were already in his arms cuddling into his warm chest enjoying the familiar feeling of him besides you.

"Don't ever think about leaving this bed again nena! I'm not joking!" he said and you smiled looking up at his darkened eyes and smirking facial expressions.

"Hm..maybe you need to pin me to it then Pablito?" you smirk too and he nods kissing your lips while getting on top of you..well you know where this goes ;))

[spiderrmax]

main 4 + gen. dating hcs

synopsis: what the title says! general dating headcanons author's note: i always feel like my cartman is ooc. am trying tho i swear. also this was typed up b4 i got requests :) am working on those currently!

Stan Marsh

Is a very chill boyfriend

Was nervous at first though. Definitely got nauseous on your guys first few dates but it died around a few months into your relationship.

The type to send you cat relationship posts with only a caption of “us”

Lets you borrow his jacket when it’s really cold

Enjoys holding your hand; will grab at it unconsciously whenever he’s near you

Doesn’t care a lot about school but will take notes for you if you are absent

Will text you random updates throughout the day. “Cartman and Kyle are fighting again.” “I just saw a cute kitten” “listened to that song you recommended. Was good.”

feel like he's the type to make spotift playlist of songs thay remind him of you or songs you recommended him

Doesn't mind doing the matching couple things as long as it’s not too corny. Will buy matching converse or sweatshirts

Not the biggest on pet names, unless you’re upset or it’s in private; he goes for the classics: babe, love, beautiful

He will always partner up with you if you guys are in a class together. The teacher will mention partner work and you guys instantly make eye contact.

Kyle Broflovski

Is very sweet

A stereotypical romantic; i talked about this in my love language post but he definitely googles ideas for dates and gifts. would have a pinterest board just called "y/n" filled w anything he wants to try and recreate

Any google doc notes he has instantly gets shared to him

if you guys are on a doc at the same time he is definitely talking to you in the comments. he has to reply to every "hi!" you type. he can't help it.

Cliché but he loves study dates. he will always meet you at the library to study and chill for a bit. He will unconsciously stare at you and gets embarrassed if you point it out. The date always ends with him taking you out for coffee or lunch/dinner depending on the time.

Isn’t very open about your relationship; likes keeping most stuff behind closed doors.

However it’s not a secret. People know you are together. although not the biggest PDA fan will hold your hand if someone is looking at you too long.

In the early stages of your relationship, he’d get flustered so fast. You’d smile and wave at him in the halls and he’d turn a bright red.

The kinda guy to drag his thumb over your knuckles when you guys hold hand

I think he'd be a forehead kisser. It's so domestic and he'd love doing it.

Will always walk you home from the bus stop/school. Even if it’s a bit out of his way.

Is extremely comfortable around you. Will let you see his hair and take his hat off in closed doors. Will laugh when you try to wear it, because it doesn’t fit, but finds it cute. is only slightly amused at your attempt to impersonate him.

Eric Cartman

Is so cocky he’s dating you

Constantly brings you up in a conversation. He doesn’t even mean to most times, but it happens so casually

Doesn’t really enjoy sharing, but will give you some of his snacks if you look down. He’ll say you owe him but won’t really hold you to it.

Spam messages you constantly, especially if he knows you aren’t doing anything. They get more clingy as he messages you until you reply. Then he plays it off like he didn’t even want your attention; he was just bored.

Loves when you wear his clothes. Doesn’t like when you do it so much in public but once you had to borrow a shirt because you spilled something on yours. He just stared at you, in awe of how good you could look in something of his.

Will try on assignments he is working with you on. He respects you more and knows his slacking off will directly affect you. He still doesn’t put in 100% effort but you don’t have to carry his whole weight.

Loves calling you those really obnoxious pet names. Finds them so funny because you hate them.

Loves it even more when you call him a pet name. At first he will mock you for calling him something like "honey," but then he won't be able to stop thinking about it. Will reluctantly tell you you can keep calling him that stuff. But not in front of the guys.

This also applies to kissing. He will mock you the first you kiss his cheek as a goodbye but now he leans his head towards you if you're getting up to go.

His love language is making fun of you. Will call you stupid and ugly constantly but will throw hands with anyone else who dares try and call you that.

Kenny Mccormick

loves loves LOVES showing you off

Will bring you up in conversation, but isn’t as braggy as Cartman gets. Just loves you so much.

He is also with you as much as he can be. wIll walk you to each of your classes even if it causes him to be late.

The type to carry any books you’re holding while you walk. Will even balance them in one hand so his other is free to grab onto yours.

The type to wait by your locker to walk you home. He will rush to get there before you do.

Will pull down his hood when he’s with you for the sole reason he loves when you play with his hair. Enjoys putting his head in your lap, it’s his way of inviting you to do it.

loves listening to you talk! no matter what you are rambling about you have kenny's full attentions.

 Although known as a serial flirter/perv, it dies down when he gets into a relationship with you. He’s very loyal and won't risk your relationship or your trust

Comes over to your house a bunch. Your parents are used to him coming over frequently. He probably has clothes left there and his own toothbrush.

Loves playing video games with you! Even if you’re bad. Will have you sit between his legs so he can help with your hand placement if it’s a single game. (In mario kart, his go to is princess rosaline or daisy)

[akutasoda]

hi!!! anon who requested the fluffy webttore req here!!! can I get a fluffy oneshot for il Dottore that takes place during his time in the akademiya? where reader is his only friend and he's very obviously in love with them

a lesson in feelings

synopsis - he understood how he felt towards his only friend but he has no idea what to do

includes - il dottore/zandik

warnings - gn!reader, fluff, mutual pining, zandik being awful with feelings, wc - 713

a/n: hello anon! i am an absolute sucker for akademiya dottore fics

when he first joined the akademiya, he never expected or even entertained the thought of having a friend. not only did he think they were a waste if time and would distract him from his work but never expected someone to peek his interest enough to want to get close to them. so he was very content eith keeping his head low and seeking out what he wanted to achieve alone.

you had joined the akademiya in not only a journey to achieve your dream job but to perhaps meet some very interesting people to befriend or atleast talk to. but no one had peeked yout intrest quite like the blue haired boy that sat next to you in a couple classes. not only did he have some striking features that you thought were quite cute but also the fact he never spoke to anyone other than the teacher if they spoke to him first, even then he was reluctant. but then you started noticing that he was never around akademiya grounds, not that you could find.

you had asked around about the blunette but people either grimaced and walked away or told you just to leave him alone. now you were even more interested. some say curiosity killed the cat but maybe it would pay off in your case. every time you tried to approach him he avoided you so you would have to try a different approach. during your next joint assignment, instead of going with someone you normally went with, you jumped at the opportunity to be partnered with zandik. everyone gave weird looks upon this but your quest to learn more about him would not be deterred.

unfortunately even during the assignment time, he ignored you. he didn't understand why you were so insitant on talking to him - perhaps you were put up to it as a joke - but nonetheless he just assumed he would be doing it by himself while you slacked off somewhere. but to his massive surprise, not only had you located his dorm room but showed up eager to work on the assignment with him.

as much as he tried to push you away, you just came back even more insistent on helping than ever. and to his surprise he started thinking that maybe you weren't that bad. you had contributed quite a bit to the assignment and it was all correct. that's when he started realising you weren't that bad to have around. but why was he slightly upset that the assignment was over and he sould most likely never talk to you until the next partner task.

and yet again to his surprise, even after the assignment was finished he found you trying to hang out with him. and eventually you wore down his walls enough for him to let you accompany him and even got him to admit that you weren't that bad to be around! however he started feeling something completely new to him, something he never thought he would feel.

every time he looked at you or you started up a conversation with him or just hung around him he felt his heart skip a beat and he felt slightly more embarrassed around you. no matter how much he questioned it he was just prolonging the admittance to himself that not only had you become his friend but he longed for something more with you. to perhaps be partners.

you picked up on his change in behaviour, zandik was afterall a very routinely person, so any changes were quite noticeable for you. and you figured it out before him and couldn't help but think the same about him. now you could confess first but you thought maybe he could figure it out before and instead use this to subtly tease him about it. and again he picked up on what you were doing but not only felt embarrassed to confess - as no one has ever made hi feel like this before - but didn't want to let your teasing get to him.

that was jtil he started getting a bit frustrated with his feelings, becoming internally conflicted on what to do. maybe you would have to make the first step, after all you felt the same about him.

[weralika]

i would also love to hear your thoughts about kandreil being codependent and toxic please and thank you 🙏

SORRY I MISSED YOUR ASK SOMEHOW!!!

so lemme begin 🙂🙂

the most dependent one is kevin, obviously, because of raven's partner system and everything. when he transferred to psu, Andrew (whether he wanted that or not) became his partner and Kevin would be so broken when Andrew starts to spend time with Neil more than not.

Andrew is angry about that!! because yes, he wanted to save that stupid boy, but he didn't know Kevin would never learn to be by himself, Andrew would never treat him with that kind of caress (I dare say) if he knew Kevin would become addicted.

so yes, Kevin is addicted

there we can imagine Kevin leaving PSU and crying in his bed with dirty sheets because he misses them so much he can't even do the chores properly (same bro)

Neil is the smartest one 🙂 he quickly realised that they have a strange kind of friendship and he knows that their tension is mutual (somehow??? he was oblivious with Andrew I know, but he just knows they like each other)

he still feels some awe when talking to Kevin because wdym KEVIN DAY is training ME??? is that a dream? wtf

so he would never cross the line!! because of Andrew he learnt the concept of consent and now he's afraid to make a mistake (he is 99% sure that Kevin wants to kiss him but that 1%)

their relationship starts when Kevin gets so jealous he almost tells them to stop flirting and fuck already (bc he knows they do fuck. he has ears, unfortunately)

he only tells them to be quiet bc he has a lot of homework and Neil strikes with "I'm not your homework, but you can do me" like maaaan wtf is that (Kevin blushes, Andrew asks if they want him to go away and then long conversation about kevin not being gay and not being in love with them)

almost instantly they become a wreck!! because Kevin needs so much attention that sometimes he tries to ignore their boundaries!! he is stupid and wants to kiss!! he feels guilty as fuck after being scolded he almost cries (sorry is it too ooc???)

he learns how to be not that demanding (imagine having 2 boyfriends and still it's not enough) and Neil tries to help him (he hugs him actually)

when they are apart, Kevin is sad as fuck but when together he is a little nervous most of the time, because he is too afraid to ruin everything (like he checks if Neil really wants to kiss him)

also this post became just my rant about Kevin but he's really terrified of being a third wheel and tries to give them time alone even if he's so hungry for their attention he has to grit his teeth after saying "I'm going for a run alone because I don't want to interrupt your crazy chemistry"

Andrew is afraid of losing them!! he thinks he's not enough for Neil and Kevin, he's not even so interested in exy and they have so much in common and he is just stupid traumatized boy who can't show affection when Kevin needs it, he's so useless that they don't even ask him about going pro anymore, they do not imagine their future together like andrew does.

they do.

Neil is just a stray kitten in a warm house who thinks he would not spend another night there :D so he tries to make the most out of their relationship! he kisses Kevin 70% times he wants to be kissed, and other 30% is Andrew or no one because they're not in the mood

it turned out not toxic or even codependent I'm sorry ☠️☠️ but I tried to describe my vision or them close (as I can) to canon, not some ugly shit I have in my brain about andrew being (a little) abusive or Neil being a fucking cheater which I am guilty of thinking about!

[the-joy-of-knowledge]

An Introvert's Guide to Winning

If you are like me who is an INTJ-T is seems like the world is not your oyster. in fact, the idea that fortune favors the brave still makes you ponder. Does that mean that if I am not brave enough, I won't be fortunate? Now imagine being an introvert who is also shy. Here are ways to win as an introvert.

Take advantage of your introversion and be a great observer. As someone who grew up shy and introverted it was hard to see my friends winning. Most introverts stay away from large crowds, they prefer smaller intimate settings and if they are socially awkward it's harder. So here is what I do, I go to a large crowd and watch people, I look at everyones body language, I walk around like I am looking for someone then I pause in awe of how good looking many of them are and how lucky I am. Then I approach the people who look shy or do not have anyone to talk to and I begin asking them questions and find similarities. Being an introvert means you spend more time in your thoughts but what are you thinking? Think in awe and approach a person based on that. It is not about how many people you can talk to but the quality of conversations you have. often times you become lit because you have found someone who thinks just like you and that makes other people want to pitch into that fun conversation that you have.

Fine tune your body language and style: So, you are invited to your bosses birthday and you have turned down many outings but you don't want to disappoint your boss by not going. So, you decide to show up. But how do you show up? You will show up looking your best, put your best foot forward and radiate the energy that is within you. Often times other people will gravitate towards you or the host might introduce you to other people.

Take the road less traveled: If you are afraid of not having a talking partner, look for other guests who do not have talking partners or look shy. They are easier to approach, so engage them by asking open ended question, show interest, and make them feel very comfortable around you. This has happened to me several times. I would go to an event and be on the lookout for the oldest person in the room that is often ignored or that person that is by the corner in the dark and illuminate their minds with my quiet extraversion.

Be a great storyteller: I do not speak loudly or know everyone in an area. I get tired quickly when I am out and about so I try to give a great story about myself or a random thing that I saw in the mst imaginative, enticing, and romantic way possible. Making the listener feel special about the conversation.

Bring the best in you: Being great at what you do will make people speak of you in rooms you never dreamed of getting into. I was recently introduced to the European Union Deputy General of Trade by my Negotiations professor because he considered me one of his brightest students and gave me an invite to the conference the diplomat attended (I was the only student in the room).

Capitalize on 1 on 1s: See opportunities to be alone with someones as a time for you to shine. During interviews be elated that this person has chosen to spend time getting to know only you. So this is your time to show off the personality that you have been hiding from the world.

[ariaste]

Hi! Regarding your recent post about how you taught your writing workshops, I was reading through it and was feeling very inspired (you sound amazing as a teacher), but I also really wish I had a community like that. Since I'm currently focusing on an original work, I was wondering how do you go about finding fellow writers/betas that you can trust with work and form a mutual writing relationship with? I've looked for and joined many communities like Nanowrimo and discord servers over the years, yet nothing seemed to click? So yeah sorry for the bother but I was wondering if you had any advice :D

Re: "you sound amazing as a teacher" -- aw thanks! I was an INCREDIBLE teacher. That might sound kind of vain to say with so much assurance, but it truly was the first time in my life where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was doing a really, really fucking good job. (And that's WITH my anxiety, so like. Oof.) I just set out on purpose to be the kind of teacher I always longed to have when I was an apprentice writer, and that got me most of the way there. The rest was just spite for all the shitty creative writing classes I'd had before LOL. I'd already seen all the mistakes myself from the other side, so I just came up with better ways of doing things. And then day one of class, I had them all do a self-assessment of what they wanted to learn in the class, what fears they had, etc, and I was really struck by how universal the sense of insecurity and under-confidence was in all their replies. So that just confirmed what I already suspected, to wit: my ONE JOB (and again, this was a "writing and publishing scifi/fantasy" class) was just to hammer in the idea of, "Your ideas ARE cool, the things you think are cool ARE IN FACT COOL, you ARE allowed to write about queer dragons or whatever and that's an awesome thing to be doing and I'm HERE FOR IT." If the one thing a student takes from a creative writing class is more confidence in their writing and more trust in themself, then the goal has been achieved. If a teacher says anything else, we're verging on snobbery (Iowa Writer's Workshop can go get fucked btw)

ANYWAY.

Finding a beta you click with is a lot like finding a friend or a romantic partner who you click with. That is: there's a lot of fish in the sea, but not all of them are going to be right for you, and sometimes it takes a while to find that special person. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things, though, so just keep at it.

That said, a couple lifehacks: do NOT talk about your work with the vibes of "hey, i'm looking for a beta, does anyone want to beta for me?" because (at least in my experience) those acquaintances often turn out to be sort of transactional and shallow -- think of people who walk into any situation like "hey will you be my girlfriend? i'm looking for a girlfriend. do you want to date me as my girlfriend??? will someone please be my girlfriend?" rather than trying to make genuine connections with people as *people* versus the role that the girlfriend-seeker wants to put them in. (Exception to this: Fandom-specific servers where you are looking for a beta for a fic. Then it's less weird to ask out loud for a beta, because you've already established a mutual shared interest/passion. It's not cold-calling in the same way, you get me??)

Instead, aim to project vibes of "I'm having so much fun playing in my sandbox :) I am having so much fun by myself, maybe too much fun in fact [psychically broadcasting that the fun is in such abundance around here that there would be enough to share if someone happened to wander past...]" Post about your work, talk about it in public, give people little excerpts or tidbits you're proud of. Look for people who express interest in the sort of fun you're having, and then start up conversations about it. Look for people who are having the sort of fun of their own that you're interested in, compliment them on it and ask questions, and build a relationship. (If they're writing the sort of thing you're into, chances are that you're writing the sort of thing they're into. Not always, but frequently!)

Sometimes it is possible to take an existing friend who is interested in your work (or at least supportive of it and loving of you) and kind of train them into being a great beta reader even if they themselves are not really a writer. It takes a lot of self-knowledge of what you're looking for and what you need in terms of feedback, it takes some patience and trust in your relationship with them, it takes the ability to negotiate boundaries and ask really good questions, and it takes a friend who is game to try and who likes the sort of things you like. (Personal recommendation: Don't try to get feedback from someone who isn't even interested in the genre that you're writing. A dedicated literary fiction fan is probably going to have a REAL hard time appreciating your gruesome scifi horror book for what it is, and if they're not familiar with the genre conventions, their suggestions are predisposed to be kind of Weird and Not Right For What You're Writing. Accept their love and support, but also accept that neither of you are going to have a good time if they try to beta for you.)

Trying to build relationships in an open community like a forum or a Discord server is a good way to cast a wide net, but all deep lasting relationships happen on a single line between you and the other person, so look for opportunities to talk to people one-on-one in DMs to build that kind of creative intimacy.

It takes time! But if you're open about the things that are bringing you joy and you're talking about them and setting them out in plain sight, the right people will eventually be drawn to your joy/fun like moths to a flame. Humans cannot resist that shit.

If you've been doing that and it's still not working, check in with yourself -- is your project actually bringing you joy, or are you going through the motions? Readjust, reorient yourself, try again. Lean into it. Go hard or go home. If you're really truly genuinely having fun by yourself, then your eventual readers will too.

If you're doing all THAT and it's STILL not working (that is, if people are expressing initial interest but you can't hold their attention and they wander off once they read your work), then that's a signal that you've got a tension problem.

GOOD LUCK. You will find your people eventually, just keep going! :)

[sophie-savvy]

I am interested in hearing your take on heartstopper’s aroace rep!

Aw thanks for the ask! <3

I wanna clarify before I say anything too negative that I really don’t hate heartstopper as a show, I like how it deals with mental health conversations and gives a wide range of representation, and I’m not trying to judge anyone that does find joy in it or see themselves in Isaac’s character.

But for me, the rep in season two and three felt a bit immature? Not exactly the right word, but I still can’t find the one I’m looking for. I just finished season three today, and couldn’t help but notice that in so many of the scenes involving Isaac’s aromanticism and asexuality, he seemed to use it as almost an accusation against his friends. Specifically with the scene when they’re at the aquarium and someone goes “what if the fish were gay haha” and he says something like “well what if the fish didn’t like anyone and didn’t want to hear about their friends’ magical romantic relationships anymore?”. To me this just feels really rude and self-centered, even understanding the point he’s trying to make (Elle and Tao being too dependent on each other).

The way this scene is written (and the way everyone apologizes to him immediately afterwards), he doesn’t come across as a concerned friend or someone trying to communicate his feelings, it just feels like he’s taking his loneliness and insecurities out on his friends rather than having a conversation about how he’s feeling. I think this definitely could’ve happened at the movie night, but instead Isaac just left without saying anything.

These insecurities are valid, especially when you’re young and trying to figure yourself out. I’ve been in the same position as Isaac and felt the same kind of things! And I think younger me would be really validated by Isaac’s character. But if you’re not able to move past that and communicate with your friends about how you’re feeling and how they’re making you feel, then you can’t blame that on them. People in romantic relationships will sometimes spend more time with their partners than their friends, and this isn’t inherently bad. It’s only unhealthy when it gets to the point of dependency, which is when you step in (respectfully! privately!) and have a conversation with them.

A lot of people are talking about how they felt validated by his friends apologizing to him after this scene, but I just can’t see why they were supposed to apologize for something that 1) isn’t their fault and 2) Isaac never communicated.

Sorry if this sounds really aggressive or anything, genuinely don’t mean to be! Totally understand everyone has a different perspective, but there’s my 2 cents as an aroace person :)

[dreadsuitsamus]

Lost Part Five | Vegeta x Reader |

part one | part two | part three | part four | part six

author's note: i keep ending up in a bit of a slump after i release a chapter of this where i hardly get anything done for a month or so and then inspiration strikes and i write almost the entire thing within a couple of days 🫠 i am very tired. the story should be wrapping up soon, i'm estimating maybe two more chapters total!

pairing: vegeta x fem!reader

warnings: canon typical violence, does not follow the canon timeline of events

Chi-Chi watches you carefully as you help her prepare dinner. You and Goku came home just a few hours ago, yet you've hardly said a word at all. A year spent with Vegeta, your husband that's spent the last year of his life with another woman and their child, and you've got nothing to say? Nothing happened?? Not even a single thing worth mentioning???

Bull. Shit.

"So." She hums to herself, sliding over more vegetables for you to chop. "You're awfully quiet tonight."

"Just ask the question instead of beating around the bush." You mutter, quickly dicing the veggies in the way Gohan likes best.

Chi-Chi huffs to herself, considering her words more carefully than her initial approach to the conversation. You are not in a good mood and no doubt being hangry on top of it isn't going to help anything. But she's gotta know!

Chi-Chi takes a careful breath, losing her false sense of aloofness. "You seem upset. Did something happen during your training?"

"My husband is a bastard." You mutter bitterly. "Gives me the training of a lifetime and then caps it off with a plan to kill our son."

"Wow." She murmurs softly, and her heart cries to go hug her son tightly and never let go. "I can't say it surprises me that he'd think to do it. He came to this planet and killed his own partner he arrived with."

"Nappa? God how I would've loved to see that." Despite the gravity of your situation, learning that Nappa's death was at the hand of Vegeta fills you with such a sick, satisfactory feeling. "He was always a pain to deal with."

"He killed several of our friends." Chi-Chi mutters, and you do have at least a little grace to feel shame. It's disgusting how in the short time you've been here, these humans have made you think twice about your kind's culture… You always knew it to be despicable yet you've never been this close to feeling ashamed of it.

You sigh to yourself. "It was nice to be so connected to Vegeta again. I've missed him more than you could ever know. I love my husband, but the man I mated wouldn't dream of killing his own son."

"Twenty years apart is unimaginable." Chi-Chi says gently. "And maybe… After growing up with him and then being married young to him, you two never got much of a chance to grow separately. And just maybe that gap allowed you both to be who you truly are… Which might not be compatible, despite your history and what you want to feel."

The tears that well up in your eyes surprise you; you've never been a crier. But she's not wrong— you're not the spoiled, battle-hungry princess you once were, and raising a child alone changed you in ways you never imagined.

Ways that Bulma will change in too, should Vegeta leave her and Trunks to come back to your side.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore." You murmur, and bless Chi-Chi as she turns away and allows you to wipe at your teary eyes. You stare at your hands, feeling the new power you trained for in the chamber run through right alongside your racing blood.

The young Saiyan woman from your past would certainly be in awe of your power, and wouldn't have a care in the world for your family's plight. She only sought to be the strongest warrior possible— and you shake your head at the idea that a younger you would agree with Vegeta's solution to the problem.

It's offensive, the idea of murdering your only son. But Chi-Chi is certainly right— it's no shock Vegeta thought of it. He's clearly not grown all that much, spending much of his life still under Frieza's thumb, doing his pillaging and continuing to live similarly to how he had even on Planet Vegeta. He trained, he fought and killed, and mourned his wife and son with every expedition.

He's a stubborn Saiyan male, one full of pride and an ego forever unmatched. And goodness do you love every bit of him. But letting go of your pride to raise your son in the precarious environment you were left to scramble for, an environment you were in because Vegeta didn't listen, has you still so angry at him. Could you really forgive him? Do you even want to?

I love you so much, Vegeta, but I hate you too. Why didn't you listen to your wife?!

"Alright…" Chi-Chi's voice is practically straining as she attempts to hold herself back, and you can't help the ugly snort that leaves you when that thin barrier breaks. "Just… Did you… Y'know…" She grins conspiratorially, reminding you of your favorite attending from back in the day.

Rolling your eyes, you slide the chopped veggies to her and head for the kitchen's exit to hide your celebratory smirk. "Yes, we did. And it was amazing."

Gohan's not sure what his mother's laughing so loudly about, but he smiles to himself as he resumes his studies. He's glad she's made a friend.

Bulma tosses her wrench aside, burying her pretty face into her hands as the frustration takes its toll on her. She's readying the ship you and Vegeta will take to go find your son, but the nagging worry that Vegeta won't come back lays a thick pressure down on her bones. Sleep is already hard to come by with a baby, especially one that's getting increasingly mobile with each passing day, but she's gotten less and less ever since you came into the picture to ruin her life.

Maybe she's being a little dramatic. This all happened by chance— it was pure coincidence you ended up on Earth, and as an amnesiac you were friendly to her. But what was yours is now hers, and there's no doubt in Bulma's mind that you want to retake it. It's what she would do, after all, if the roles were reversed. You're not wrong for how you feel, she supposes.

But there is entirely too much on the line for her to be relaxed.

She looks up at the sound of boots approaching, and the relief in her body is so harsh and sudden that she feels light. Vegeta's back from wherever he went, and he's got Trunks in his arms. "I didn't know he woke up."

"He's been up only a few minutes." Vegeta hands off the boy to Bulma, Trunks grinning happily at the sight of his mother.

"When did you get back?"

"Not long ago."

Bulma bites her tongue. "So…"

"So?" Vegeta crosses his arms, taking in the frazzled sight of his child's mother. She hasn't been sleeping well, probably hasn't eaten much either— how can she take care of Trunks like this?

Bulma glares at Vegeta, forcing down the bulk of her rage to keep Trunks in a happy mood. It's difficult, though, to deal with the stubbornness and aloofness of her whatever he is to her. Boyfriend? Baby daddy? Disappearing isn't entirely new for Vegeta, though it's been some time since he's done it. But with you in the picture, anything is possible and he's slowly seeming to retreat back into the shell he started out in.

"Where have you been?" Her tone isn't accusatory, and Vegeta's stance relaxes slightly.

"Training in the chamber." He's honest, but his short reply concerns Bulma anyway.

"With—"

"Yes."

Bulma sighs, ignoring the way Trunks tugs at her shirt. "So when are you leaving?"

"I'm not sure." Vegeta murmurs, looking off to the side at nothing in particular. He can't find V without you, and he's currently your number one enemy again. Giving you space is a minimum requirement before he can attempt to talk plans for leaving, discovering V and then—

Well, you'll have to come to an agreement on that front as well.

"Will you come back?"

His brows come together then, but he can't fairly be mad at the question. He's left before, made no indication or vow to Bulma to be present from now on, and while it hasn't crossed his mind, it would be quite the opportunity to reunite with his first family in space and fuck off to who knows where. But for many reasons outside of just Bulma and Trunks, he would never leave Earth.

It's his home, plain and simple, and he must defend it as such.

"Of course I will."

Doubt fills her tummy as Vegeta walks out of her lab, leaving her alone with the baby.

Chi-Chi's dragged her boys out of the house for clothes and grocery shopping around noon the following day, and you're left alone to your own devices for a few brief hours. Daring to check the contents of the slow cooker Chi-Chi set up this morning, you hear the front door opening up just as you start to open the lid.

Dammit!

"Whatever you think I'm doing, Chi-Chi, I'm—" The hairs at the back of your neck prickle, and defense mode rises as you don't recognize the energy to belong to any one of the Son family.

But luckily for Bulma, she's got a fairly recognizable hair color.

You narrow your eyes as she finishes inviting herself in, watching as she closes the door behind her and looks you right in the eye, adjusting the baby on her hip. "Bulma. What do you want?"

"Vegeta."

Oh, for Kami's sake!

"You have him, don't you?" Your jealousy confusingly runs parallel with your anger at your mate— he's a bastard, but yours.

"I hoped he was." Bulma murmurs, and you don't miss the sadness in her eyes. Truly, she does love your husband. "He's been… A challenge."

"That's the biggest understatement I've ever heard." You cross your arms and look away from her.

"But I love him. He's not romantic or particularly soft or anything, but I love him anyway. And he's my son's father, and I just… I want Trunks to grow up knowing his father."

"My son didn't."

"So you should know exactly the pain Trunks would go through. The pain I would go through when he asks me about a man he doesn't remember meeting. I…" Bulma sighs and rubs her tired face, and boy you don't envy her position as a new mother in this sticky situation. At least when V was out of the incubator, you had a solid marriage to back you when dealing with the baby got to be too much at once.

But she steels herself quickly, the fiery look in her eye you remember from that night in the forest coming back to the present. "I met a version of my son where he grew up without Vegeta."

"I'm sorry— Huh?!" She met a version of Trunks??

"He came here from the future, and he's the one that actually killed Frieza."

"A halfling killed Frieza…" You say slowly, gazing at the child in her arms. This child will one day have that sort of power?!

"He's a child of Vegeta, of course he did!" Bulma scoffs, and damn she'd be quite the catch on Planet Vegeta. And bitterly, she reminds you of yourself. Vegeta certainly has a type.

"This place gets stranger the longer I stay here." Your tail tightens around your waist, frustration and confusion swamping your brain. "What in the hell did he get himself into?" You ask yourself the question more than Bulma, and once again you're met with a reminder of Chi-Chi's words.

Twenty years apart is unimaginable…

Bulma sighs. "Trunks traveled from the future because of a threat that completely ruined the world, and everyone except me and Trunks died. He came back to warn us, and then left again. We haven't seen him since."

"And I don't suppose he mentioned me in any capacity."

"No, he didn't."

"So either I never showed up, or I left Earth."

Or V killed me.

"I don't really know." Bulma adjusts the squirming baby in her arms. "But I'm not willing to take Trunks' sacrifice and doom this Trunks to the same fate. The Androids are set to arrive in a few years, and we need Vegeta to even have a chance."

"So what exactly are you asking me to do? Fuck off and give you your happy ending, and leave me and my son in the dust?"

"I'm asking you, mother to mother, to give my son the gift your son couldn't have. A family, and a chance at a happy life."

"And why should I care about the quality of your son's life?" Your fists clench at your sides; you're not a monster to an innocent baby's plight, not at all. If anything, the last twenty years have softened you and as a mother, you more than understand Bulma's situation and what she's asking. But to assume a savage of you without knowing you—

You did threaten her life, you suppose. Perhaps her anger is a tad deserved.

"If you won't do it for Trunks, then do it for Gohan." Bulma spits out, heading for the door. "Because if you don't, he'll grow up without his dad and spend his life protecting Trunks until the day they finally kill him too."

She slams the door shut behind her, and the cold realization trickles through your veins. Should you be selfish and take what you want, those you've come to cherish will die, and that innocent boy that didn't choose his parents will suffer directly. You're more than aware what it's like to lose everything, and at the very least you could attribute some of it to karma for your Saiyan heritage and the things you've done out of pride for it.

Could you really damn a baby like that?

"Why didn't you tell me about the Androids?"

Goku freezes, not even entirely in the house when you question him. His arms are loaded with shopping bags that he subsequently drops when Gohan runs into him with the rest of the bags, the two of them tumbling into quite the mess. Chi-Chi's luckily getting a manicure, though Goku doesn't know which is the lesser of two evils— angry Chi-Chi, or angry you.

"Uh, wh-whaddya mean?" Goku pointedly averts your gaze in favor of picking up the dropped bags of clothes and groceries.

"Don't play dumb, Goku." You growl. "Androids. Why didn't you tell me?"

Goku sighs and stands. "We didn't know if you should know, since…"

"You're not staying." Gohan mumbles.

"That, and those guys are four years away. Your situation is more urgent." Goku hands off the groceries to Gohan to put away, leaving you alone in the living room. "We've been training for it pretty hard though."

"You should've told me."

"Would you be willing to help us with them?"

"Of course I would!" You snap. "Like I'd ever miss a fight, especially one of this gravity."

"Really?!" Goku scoops you into a crushing hug, and your tail steps in for your trapped arms to bat the back of his head.

"I will be here for these Androids, whatever the hell they are. You can count on that."

"Does that mean you'll stay?" Goku carefully puts you down, his hands on your shoulders.

"Certainly not." You look away from those honest eyes. "But I will return to help you fight."

"Why won't you stay?"

"I have a life elsewhere, with my son. Earth is not as bad as it first seems, but I don't see a long-term future here."

"But… What about us, your family?"

"I…" You falter for just a moment, remembering the way you lived with the Son family during your amnesia and how right it felt at the time.

As an amnesiac, it was of course easy to feel such a way— you craved a sense of belonging and a home, and naturally gravitated towards what you had found, and wanted to keep it even in the event your memories were restored. Building something new was a possibility lost at the exact moment Vegeta entered your life again, but only as a result of your unyielding rage.

Could it really be possible to stay on such a planet? There's more here for you than where you spent the past two decades, surely… But it's the presence of your husband's bastard family that sends a shot of resistance straight to your heart. That woman and her child serve as the cherry on top to all that's happened to you; why in the hell would you ever subject yourself to such torture?

"I can't stay, Goku. My son needs me."

He's all I have left, and I'm all he has ever known.

Goku doesn't argue, but the sadness that rolls off of him slinks onto you as you walk out of the house.

"Mother?" V asks softly as you head for your training grounds. He was oddly quiet on the ride over to this planet from your home, and evidently something's been plaguing his young mind.

"Yes?"

"What was Father like?"

You knew this day would come, but no amount of pondering the answers or possible questions could prepare you for how broken your son's voice is— how long has he asked himself these questions? He's six years old now, surely it's been on his mind for at least a little while. And though you've never made it a point not to bring up your husband or your home planet to your son, the memory of what you had and the grief over what could have been breaks your heart daily, even with your pent-up rage at your late husband's refusal to listen to your concerns.

"Your father was… Amazing." Damn the tears in your eyes and just how wistful you sound. You need to be strong for the boy! "A master tactician, stubborn as all hell, witty, prideful man. He was everything. Strong and handsome and fierce."

"What happened to him?"

"He died when our home planet was destroyed."

"He was that strong and still died?!" V's dark eyes widen in fright, and you cup his face gently.

"Your father's downfall was also his greatest strength— his pride. Had he listened to me, he'd be alive today. So always listen to your mother, my son. I only want what's best for my family."

"My family means everything to me." You mutter to yourself, gazing up at the sky and finding the sole twinkle of the brightest star as dusk settles in and finding it to be a lot like the sparkle in Gohan's eyes when he finds an interesting bug.

A bead of sweat trickles down into Vegeta's eye, stinging as he pushes through the pain of the gravity room. Train for his son, train for his other son, train for himself and his goals… Never has he ever felt so tired, where he yearns more for sleep than a battle.

Well, he may not be willing to go quite that far. But there was a time where he was beyond dead tired and all he longed for was one single thing.

Vegeta slams shut the door to his dorm on the Frieza station, huffing at his near loss of balance from expelling the last bit of his energy on the child's tantrum tactic. The food on this ship isn't good enough for how tightly he's under Frieza's thumb now— it's surely intentional and to keep Vegeta from rising above and killing the dictator that stole everything from him. Frieza is cruel, and sees Vegeta as a mere tool or even a toy.

Vegeta can only hope his life remains fun for Frieza to play with until he gets his chance to strike and take revenge for his glorious race's extinction.

Taking revenge for the murder of his dear wife and son is the only thing to keep him going these days. And those idiots Raditz and Nappa don't understand a thing about it— they're living it up on this ship, doing Frieza's bidding just as loyal dogs and not having a care in the world for what was lost. Perhaps that's why they get fed properly; Frieza knows they'd never give up this lifestyle.

And bitterly, Vegeta knows he'd be just like them if he never got married. His pride is insurmountable, but his love for his family outweighs even that. He'd never bow down to the one that cost him everything, even if he was given an 'ideal' life of battling and feasting.

Someday, he will rise above in his Super Saiyan form and avenge you. But for now he must bide his time until he can master and make true use of it.

Falling to his knees at the foot of the bed, so exhausted his tail lays limp rather than around his waist, Vegeta pulls his lady's favor from his armor. Your scent faded so, so long ago, yet he can swear he remembers it anyway. Your preferred body scrub was infused with mint, and it mixed well with your natural scent and Vegeta could never get enough of it. Fruitlessly, he buries his nose into the silk cloth.

Tears fill his eyes as he wills the favor to smell like you again. It's getting harder and harder to pretend he's with you, laying in bed and nosing along the curve of your neck while you rest in bed. He'd rub your swollen belly as you near the end of your pregnancy, the strong little Saiyan inside of you nearly ready to be born and incubated and you were in quite the discomfort during that time.

All you wanted was your husband's presence, and he should've appreciated it more. Hindsight is 20/20, but he remembers feeling aggravated at times, being trapped in bed and feeling restless and anxious for the incoming parenthood. To go back and live in the moment, to see you, hold you, kiss you… He'd do anything.

"Please." He begs softly to a God that may not even exist, let alone be listening to his plea. Tears wet his face and he collapses to the floor. "Please give them back."

Vegeta closes his eyes as his vision clouds, and with a huff he forces himself up and out of the gravity room. He got his wish, and damn if he'll just let you go like this. You are alive, and the year in the chamber wasn't nearly enough. Saiyan mates are connected until the end of time, and he will not waste another damn minute without you.

You're at Vegeta's little hidden cabin when the hairs at the back of your neck raise. Vegeta's here, but why? You meet him at the door, and the determined look in his eye sends a shiver down your spine.

"Vegeta."

"You are a difficult woman to find." He seethes. "For anyone else, anyway."

"For what purpose are you looking for me?" Your eyes narrow suspiciously— the aura around him is different. He's hellbent on something.

"Because you're my goddamn wife!"

You stumble backwards as Vegeta wraps you up in his arms, his hold crushing you against that solid, strong body. Trembling as he holds you, he brushes the tip of his nose along the curve of your neck. "I can't lose you again." He murmurs before kissing you deeply, and it's just like in the chamber— temporarily, you feel whole again.

I don't want to be lost again.

"For everything, I'm sorry. I should've been better, I should've listened, I—"

"I love you." You whisper against him, eyes shut tightly as you bask in his embrace. "Forgive me-"

"There's nothing to forgive you for." Vegeta mutters, smoothing a hand down the curve of your back. "You've done nothing-"

"For what I'm about to do."

Vegeta frowns, and you mash your lips to his for a quick distraction against the power generating in your palms and his cry of pain and confusion breaks your heart as you slam one palm against his lower back, in the exact spot his tail once was. Even with the appendage lost, it's still a deeply-rooted sensitive area and he's weakened immediately by your thrust of power to it.

Your husband falls to his knees, angry but unable to move. "W… What the hell was that?!" He coughs, wheezing as if you punched all the air from his lungs.

"I have to do what's best for my family. And my family needs you safe here, love."

"I need you." Vegeta pleads, reaching out to you with a shaky hand. "Don't… Don't!"

"I'll see you again for the Androids."

If I survive that long.

Before Vegeta can ponder how you even know about them, your powered up fist meets the side of his skull and he's out cold, sprawled out on the floor of his secret cabin. Without wasting too much time, you fish his beloved lady's favor from your breasts and leave a wistful kiss on it before tucking it into your mate's open palm.

Leaving him behind, you quickly fly to Capsule Corps as you recall the direction Vegeta came from. Bulma's up with the baby, and your eyes lock onto hers as she opens up the door to her home.

"You have maybe ten minutes to get me into orbit before Vegeta wakes up."

Baby Trunks is swiftly thrust into your arms as she leads the way to the ship, and you and the child lock eyes for just a moment.

For all these things I've done, I had better see heaven one day.

[aluria-sevhex]

the power of friendship didn't work :(

[Hi, stardust! If you wanna read all of her posts as she plays through ISAT, they can all be accessed in this masterpost and are all tagged as #Aluria plays ISAT for the first time (please don't spoil)

This particular post starts in the middle of a play session and conversation directly following the last one, so it might be a good idea to have read that one first!]

notes:

-hm? the stars? yeah what *is* Sif's deal with them. so help me if the kid is right and they came from the sky-

-""how do you deal with it?" (you don't.)"

-hehe Sif is thinking of a loophole

-D: i messed up with Bonnie

-guess i'll talk to Loop

-Bonnie's favorites are rice and pineapples... and the third thing isn't palmiers... so the third thing has to be the samosas

-oh my god. Sif asked if Loop is jealous of his allies, and Loop was like "like what? like i'm your partner waiting for you to come home and then when you do all you can do is talk about hoe much fun you had with your friends?"

BUDDY. YOU'RE TELLING ON YOURSELF.

-"forget i said that. it was an awful metaphor." mmhmm. hmmmmmmmm

-oh? if they're not jealous of the party... are they jealous of Sif?

-gonna loop to help Bonnie

-huh. if i zone out the skill won't be as useful. i won't then

-"Isabeau looks nicer, you think" hehe

-:o the second time, Siffrin thinks the belief should change

-"but changing the script is scary" oof

-gonna have to find a craftonomy book

-"also, why am i thinking about candles right now?" strange. oh yeah it *was* in one of the dorm rooms

-i accidentally zoned out for Odile's thing this time ;_;

-FUCK I DON'T KNOW THE TYPE OF SAMOSAS.

WAIT. BONNIES PROFILE.

"Weak to: Cheese

Resists: Veggies"

...FUCK I MESSED UP

-talking to Isa. "you will always make the joke. you have to keep some sort of routine to stay sane, and if always making the joke is how, so be it." funny but also D:

-??? Sif and Loop just had a thing about how quiet Sif is...

-time to loop forward to see what the samosas' deal is

-looped to Floor 3. gonna find a craftonomy book

-HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE POWER OF CRAFT BREAK A

-oh THAT'S where a chain for the pendant is!!!

-hm. apparently Body Craft is illegal in Ka Bue, but if you know where to look...

-in the bathroom again. eavesdropping.

-"in some countries we would be expected to talk about the men in our lives and nothing else. would you like to do that" "we've only got the one man, madame, and ew" LOL

-oh my god. they're talking about Isabeau confessing.

-love how Odile and Bonnie have figured out that Isa has a crush on Siffrin but Sif and Mira are oblivious. truly an aspec mood

-WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT WHY DID A SIFFRIN SPRITE APPEAR I JUST GOT A FUCKING ACHIEVEMENT FOR IT HUH???

-oh did i completely misinterpret that part of Bonnie's profile

-looping back

-time to help everybody again

-"(say the line, Siffrin)"

-"coming to a country she has no ties to, but wanting to create those ties herself. it feels almost revolutionary."

"you're jealous." oh?

-...what if Siffrin is from the country that disappeared. it makes sense with all the weird shit, and would also explain why they don't remember much of it

-time to help Bonnie!

-also i am once again wondering what the deal is with Siffrin and stars. 'stars' is in the game's title and they clearly have some sort of importance... fuck it speculation time. what if Loop and Siffrin are both from the same place (possibly the disappearing country) that had a lot of ties to the star or the sky or something, and Loop was in a time loop or something st some point for some reason, maybe to fulfill a purpose, failed, and is now trying to help Siffrin with whatever the purpose of Siffrin's time loop is

-anyway. Bonnie time!

-:0 Bonnie wants me to teach them how to fight

-awwwwwwww this is so fucking precious

-Sif. did you seriously fucking forget thst you don't like being touched? or are you that oblivious.

-...OH. awwww :( they do like it but he's not used to it...

-:0 BONNIE'S SISTER NAME REVEALED (Nille/Pétronille)

-oh wow Nille is just like me fr fr (i don't like being unexpected touched, and there's been times where it ended in me screaming too)

i am not able to suplex people tho lol

-feel like Siffrin's memory issues are either magic bullshit or. trauma? or. magic bullshit AND trauma? idk but this bitch is not mentally healthy

-lol??? Bonnie poked Sif XD

-LMAO SIF FUCKING TRIPPED- wait. whh does that have ominous audio

-OH? Sif lost their eye protecting Bonnie?

-i don't think Bonnie's apparent guilt is JUST about Siffrin, it's gotta be at least a little about Nille

-AWWWWWWWW BONNIE HUGGED SIFFRIN

-time to help Isabeau!

-hold on gonna talk to Loop first

-lol Sif asked if Loop and the King are friends

-ok. listen Siffrin. what the FUCK do you mean by "it's complicated" how does one have a complicated relationship with the fucking stars???

-ok NOW i'm helping Isa

-...oh my god. Isabeau's name. is a pun. (－‸ლ)

-:0 they're staring at the sky together

-hmmmm why do you wanna change the subject, Sif?

-also it's so sweet that Isabeau noticed the little things :]

-shy nerd Isa does not compute

-PLEASE ISA CONFESS ALREADY THIS IS PAINFUL

-Aaaajdjkaskdljdjdjejfjghtjgjgjgjfn

-ToT THE TIMELINE IS *DETERMINED* TO MAKE SURE THAT ISA NEVER FUCKING CONFESSES

-hehe Bonnie, Odile, and Mirabelle arrived

-gonna go thru the entire House in one loop >:)

-"You have ENOUGH of all those STUPID SADNESSES standing in your BLINDING WAY." Sif is getting SICK of the loops.

-...uh-oh. everybody's scared? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT LOOP(?)

-kinda like when Bonnie was shown to have been listening in and it culminated in them saying they hate Siffrin over and over before things rewound slightly

-"don't kill it in one strike, or they'll notice"

-...i can make it so Sadnesses run... shouldn't i buff my friends' levels tho? so they have all their skills.

-I GOT THE SHARPENING STONE

-fuck. Sif almost forgot to stop Isabeau from running into the Tears

-Sif is now thinking about the difference between Tears and being frozen in battle and nearly panicking. i think this game should be renamed Anxiety Simulator 2023

-if i had a nickel for every RPG i liked where the main character is depicted in monochrome and has severe mental health issues and is in some sort of cycle, i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice

-Frin once again said nya and is sick of it

-Siffrin's accumulated stats + the stat boosts from the hangout memories make the group *terrifyingly efficient*. i made it so the Sadnesses are scared of me but i hunt them down anyway just to get those levels for the skills. i am attaining godlike power by the standards of this place and it is horrifying

-every time i get a notification that Siffrin's leveled up i get kinda scared...

-CRAFTONOMY BOOK FOUND! TIME CRAFT CRASH COURSE!

-O_O CRAFTING TIME WAS HYPOTHESIZED TO REQUIRE KILLING THE USER

-tbf Sif's time loop abilities do have weird limits... like absorbing the memories of battles to go forward...

-time to call Loop!

-dang. that was not as helpful.

-hey i found the hand-drawn tarot deck and got a 2 of Swords this time

-Floor 1 boss time

-snack time!

-picking the onigiri this time

-going to log off for the night

-back

-obligatory title screen music appreciation :D

-hehe talked to Bonnie after the snack time

-"which one am I?" "you're my cousin who i see once a year and we have a really really good time!"

-:0 one of the papers in Euphrasie's office is a love letter from Claude

-hm. a spreadsheet with two columns: "Save Vaugarde" and "Other"... the first one has a lot of names, the second doesn't

-:0 the person didn't give their partner the earring yet

-"(You're not sure how many deities you worship.)"

-uh-oh. i think Odile thinks it's sus that i knew about the familytale

-the book on shields "smells weird"

-I THINK ODILE THINKS IT'S SUS THAT I KNEW THE CARROT METHOD

-"you pick up the key, and do not think about how bad you are at your job"

-ohhhhhhhh wait does Odile have two names because she's half-Vaugardian? either that or. a gender thing?

-hehe Bonnie is saying it's stupid to talk about what'll happen if we lose

-awwww everybody promised that we'd protect each other

-"the taste is familiar to you, somehow" yeah cuz i ate fish heads on a previous loop

-"Sif is MY Siffrin nickname, Mira." lol

-ok Odile definitely thinks i'm sus

-...SOME. CRAFTS HAVE A DISTINCT SMELL. I KNEW IT. SUGAR. TIME CRAFT IS SUGAR

-YEAHHHHHHHH TIME TO UNITE THE PENDANT AND CHAIN

-oh :< doesn't work

-oh fuck Sif u ok?

"(Nothing ever goes right in your life.)" (and the text is shaky :( )

-hehehe note earring

-hm. the pottery class has issue 87

-bathroom break!

-Sif feels... happy?

-"even though you're not friends, you're just allies" idk you guys seem like friends to me

-uh. Sif is calling themself stupid again.

-that weird ghost Sif again...

-i am definitely not the only person to compare the paper Tristesse to SOMETHING. but i'm doing it anyway

-hehe level 69 nice

-...did i need to sharpen the Keyknife before opening the door?

-hm where's the last of the bomb components located? the gizmo-gadget is in the room and the secret ingredient is in Claude's hand... but what about the thingy-thing?

-YES SIF YOU ARE ALL FRIENDS

-FOUND FAMILY MY BELOVED

-SNACK TIME

-malanga fritters :D

-"in this moment, you are loved"

-:o Mira is brushing Sif's hair

-hehehe Sif wants Isa to be emotionally vulnerable first

-the King fight music slaps

-no it was not always this easy to fight him

-...who helped the King harness Time Craft

-the universe? ...wishing on a star...?

-Isa can't remember... hm...

-why don't they know what the universe is???

-Mira saw an article that said the King is from elsewhere. maybe he's from the disappearing island? or wherever Sif is from. altho those two places might be the same

-THE TALLNESS. JUST HAPPENED???

-what can he see?

-how is freezing Vaugarde the universe's will?

-...what if. what if the only way to break the time loop is to let the King win. just let him freeze everything and leave Vaugarde.

-"you know it's just a way to make you stop fighting, but..."

-i have once again killed the King

-..."I can never go back home." T_T

-i don't think friendship will fix the loops. currently talking to everybody

-GOD FUCKING DAMMIT ISA WHEN WILL YOU CONFESS LMAO

-*sighs* time to talk to Euphrasie

-I KNEW IT. IT'S THE SAME. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT

-Siffrin calling himself stupid counter just went up :(

-and again...

-...Odile?

-Siffrin's friends are noticing that something's wrong

-...and. i looped again.

-TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THE TIME LOOP

-i think Sif called themself stupid again... and again

-:0 memory of Family... a way they could catch up?

-:( Siffrin wants Isa to touch him. but it'll never happen.

-talking to Loop

-aw. when asking Loop how to help everyone and then selecting who to help, Siffrin refers to them as family members now :]

-OK I CAN ASK LOOP ABOUT THE WEIRD SIFFRIN SPRITE

-RE: Isabeau trying to confess and Siffrin being oblivious, Loop is probably thinking "wow! this motherfucker is so dense!"

-logging off for now

[psychangels]

Poking my nose in here like a stray cat that just caught a whiff of fish to go, hiiii, you have thoughts on the fandom's approach to Chai & Peppermint?? (Feel free to DM away if you're worried about discussing it openly 🤣)

i sure dooo! a whole lot. this wound up pretty long (much longer than i intended; i went on a bit of a rant), heh, so i've put it under the cut

i have a Very averse reaction to when people say, "peppermint wants to smash chai's head in with a rock/kill him with hammers/literally any other variation of that in which she wants to hurt or kill him," Especially in regards to people using that for their reasoning as to why they see them as siblings

and after much thought, i realized it's because that literally Isn't Their Fucking Dynamic lmao

the thing is, yes, chai Does annoy peppermint. but She annoys Him, too! she's cocky and smug and gets on his nerves! she's a little shit, too! they're Both shitty to Each Other! but i guess everybody just. Forgot.

plus! yes, they bicker and fight—but as the game goes on, they get on each other's nerves less and less. and yet, people act as though their dynamic stays the Exact same

see, if someone wants to make the claim that peppermint wants to hurt/kill chai, then they better be talking about her at the beginning of the game, because by the End? no! not at fucking all!

even around the beginning, honestly, it's still not really true because she Very Obviously comes to care for him Really Quickly! like, there's even signs of it as early as the end of track 2, when she's so Clearly outraged about the mind control and then later during that same bit when she sighs and her voice gets softer as she says, "just...check this out"

it really irks me when people have peppermint—or any of the others, because i've seen it happen with them, too—constantly be Pissed at chai and have them treat him pretty shitty when they're making content that's set post-game. because by Then, they have changed! not to mention that they're supposed to be FRIENDS! why would they be so awful to him?!

i have literally seen someone have korsica say, "Nice to hear someone with brains talking," upon another character entering the room after having a conversation with chai. and her just generally being weirdly snappish to him for...making a joke.

but. this isn't about those two. it's just sort of related. anyhow.

as for the siblings side of things, i feel like i have to make it Extremely Clear that i don't really care if people see them that way. i mean, i've written writing requests where people ask for that. so.

what i Do have a problem with, is that it's a constant thing in fandoms where people will see two characters who are of the opposite gender who bicker and immediately go, "they're sooo siblings!" so. suffice to say, i was not surprised to see it in this one. however, i am still certainly annoyed by it!

and i never really understood why that pissed me off Until i really gave it some thought, and i realized it's because, truly? it feels like a lot of these people don't actually understand that not every sibling dynamic ever is "i want to beat your head in with a rock" (because that's Always what the dynamic is boiled down to)

sure, that's sometimes the case. but as someone with two siblings, both of whom i have pretty different relationships with and Neither of which are anything like that, it's kind of frustrating to see this generalization. especially when it's fucking EVERYWHERE!

friends, or even romantic partners, can have that kind of fucking dynamic! it's not inherently a sibling thing! and for peppermint and chai, again, it ISN'T EVEN WHAT THEIR DYNAMIC IS!

sigh. sorry. this turned into a whole rant.

[noah-liketheboat]

I’ve recently begun using a wheelchair. Here’s the scoop.

I also started using forearm crutches even more recently but we’ll get to that in a second post bc this one got too long

I got my chair for $325 on OfferUp. It’s a motion composites Helio A6, and it has some fancy cushions on it. All in all I got it like 88% off of original price and it’s in pristine condition. Well, it was, until I brought it home and within 24 hours my cat scratched the (pink!!) paint job and put holes in the cushions. Thanks Misty. It now lives in the back of the car for its protection.

I put a clip-on cup holder on it and purple/white spoke covers. It’s pretty sick.

I use my wheelchair instead of walking/standing probably 30-40% of the time.

Personally

Oh my god it’s helped so much. I have so much more energy. I don’t flinch when I stand or walk. I can wait in line for food. I’m not dizzy, embarrassingly sweaty, and spacey just from standing in line anymore.

Because the previous owner spent literally $1,000 on special cushions (seat and back), I have the comfiest seat in any room 96% of the time. 10/10 would recommend. It helps with the back pain too obvi but first and foremost it’s so comfy.

I can go to the zoo. I get into the zoo for free because college but I can’t ever go because I can’t tolerate walking and standing for so long. But now I can go to the zoo!

I have more energy at the end of the day to participate in household chores and life. Before this, all my time was spent either in school or trying to recover enough to go to school again. Even doing my homework was difficult because of the fatigue, let alone date nights, hobbies, cooking dinner, sweeping the floors… it caused a lot of tension between me and my partner as well as my general being miserable.

Very steep learning curve. Very steep strength curve.

The ramp to my math class isn’t a steep grade but it’s long. When I started using it, I had to wheel up backwards. I got out of breath very easily and my shoulders were always aching something awful after going between classes. Now that hill is quite manageable and I only have sore shoulders if I’m going really fast or really far.

Wheelies. An unexpected but important skill. One that I am not good at. It took me weeks to get my wheels off the ground at all, but once I did I had a huge improvement and quickly was able to get my wheels ~6 or 8 inches off the ground. I still can’t sustain it though. I use them to go over bumps and get started up awkward ramps sometimes.

It’s been an amazing improvement to my life. I’m more independent, in less pain, happier, and more energetic. I should’ve done it earlier.

Observations:

People are weird. They talk to me more. Like, strangers ask me how my day is going in the elevator, people make small talk when they hold the door. This isn’t necessarily negative, but it is weird.

Kids stare. Adults also stare but they try to hide it. I don’t mind when kids stare though. They’re just curious and unaware.

I’m always a little nervous to ever stand up or walk out in public in case someone either thinks it’s a miracle and starts praising the lord or like hate-crimes me for “faking.”

When I wheeled in to all my classes after spring break, my teachers and seat mates were all instantly “oh my god what happened are you ok???” It’s a little awkward to explain that it’s just nerve damage that’s been getting worse.

People usually say “I’m so sorry” or “I hope you get/feel better soon!” And it’s like. I know their intentions are good, of course, but I don’t want people to be sorry! This has been an amazing life change for me! Also I’m not getting better, certainly not any time soon, and conversation gets awkward after that.

I think when I tell people it’s not really a “get better” thing, I think they at least subconsciously think it’s terminal or something?? Like. I’m not dying of nerve damage. I had nerve damage before spring break too. It’s just I finally decided to do something besides suck it up and hope I can make it through the day.

My campus is not as accessible as I once thought. The main culprit? UNLEVEL SIDEWALKS. They are the bane of my existence. My right arm will be pumping like my life depends on it and my left will be almost doing nothing. And then later when I’m doing the other way it’ll be the opposite.

There’s no ramp on the other side of one of the buildings I walk through to get to class. That was awkward.

There’s also a lot of cobblestone-type walking areas. Not only are they hella bumpy to wheel on, but they’re old and not well maintained. The cracks between slabs and the potholes can and will eject me from my chair if I’m not careful.

Funny story #1:

I rolled into the disability center on campus to take a test, as per usual (extended time and testing environment accommodations) and they had me wait while they got everyone else seated, which was weird, and then the testing coordinator came over to me and sat down next to me and was like “heyy how are you?” And I was like “I’m good, I’m good! Ah, well—*gestures to chair* yknow.” And she goes “Yeahh of course… so is this… new?”

Is it new??? Ma’am you see me every three weeks on the dot for tests, and every time for the past two years I’ve walked in on my own two feet, and today I come rolling in as I’ve transgendered into a vehicle. Yeah it’s new!!

Don’t worry I didn’t say that. I said “yeah, well, kind of. The chair is new, but the reasons aren’t. It’s just helping me a lot and my life is easier with it.” or smthn like that and she was like “oh ok good cool great”

Anyways, she just needed to tell me essentially that she would have me take my test at a height-adjustable table. Same room, same everything. Just instead of sitting in a test cubby I’d be at what’s essentially one of those standing desks. I was all nervous just for her to sit me at a table I can crank up and down like an old car window.

Funny Story #2

I’m rolling across the courtyard(??) in front of the library where they were having one of those random college of business things with tents everywhere. You’re aware. Just trying to get to class.

I hear “Hey! Excuse me, hey!” from behind me and I turn my head to see a girl frantically waving me down running across the grass. Naturally I’m intrigued.

She gets to me, a little out of breath, and then goes “Would you be interested in playing tennis?”

I look down at my chair. I look back up at her. “Ah… no…”

She was talking about adaptive tennis. Which I could’ve guessed probably but I was caught so off-guard and I was real confused.

She invited me to join the adaptive sports program/club thing, which is headed by a disabled professor but run entirely by able-bodied students (who get a class credit for volunteering with the organization, essentially). I told her I was really new so probably not, but I was willing to look into it. She gave me the professor’s email and I sent him an email like “hey one of your students flagged me down to talk abt adaptive sports but I’m shit at wheelchairing so probably not but I’d love to meet up and chat and get to know more about the program and stuff.”

It’s been a month. I haven’t gotten a reply or acknowledgement or anything.

All the stuff I can find about the program is obviously directed towards able-bodied students wanting them to volunteer or take the class. The Instagram has a post with each student in the class getting a slide with their lil intro and stuff. The professor only appears in group shots. At any rate I’m not that invested.

Personal Relations

Abled ppl when I told them I’m getting a wheelchair: oh no!! I’m so sorry!! What’s wrong!! That’s awful!! :((((

Disabled ppl when I told them I’m getting a wheelchair: omg that’s amazing I’m so happy for u :)

One exception to the able bodied trope: my youth group Bible study, surprisingly. I was sharing that I was really feeling a lot of turmoil about my decision and all that jazz and they were like “just do it. you already know it’s the right choice, and ur strong enough to do it” and they all “oohed” and “ahhed” when I rolled up with it next week. 10/10 queens.

My wheelchair has caused so many personal relationship issues in my life. So many.

Suddenly everyone’s a medical expert in me specifically. Everyone besides me knows what’s best, and what’s best is not a wheelchair. People who used to ask me what was wrong with them when they had a tickle in their throat or fell on their foot funny have apparently become scholars on complex hashimotos, nerve damage, neuropathy, and any and all suspected other conditions I may have. I wonder when they had time to do that, since they still don’t know how to care for a simple kitchen injury.

When I point out that the alternative to the wheelchair is constant+worsening pain and ask them if that’s what they think is best, these overnight medical experts get all huffy and don’t have an answer.

I have done extensive research about all my diagnosed conditions and possible ones over the course of many years. I’ve been in and out (mostly out) of at least a dozen doctor’s offices and done several rounds of different types of PT. I also live in my body 24/7. One of my earliest memories is of waking up my aunt at night during a sleepover because my nerve pain wouldn’t let me sleep. I wasn’t any older than 4. Back then the only words I had were leg cramps and growing pains.

I didn’t know my pain was abnormal for a long time. I’m good at hiding it. I’m good at “pushing through.” I experienced severe medical neglect, to the point of it being life-threatening, for nearly 2 years in the TTI and I was punished any time I tried to advocate for myself and my needs or really even talked about how I wasn’t physically well.

Basically I gave up trying to truly tell people how bad my quality of life was when I was about 16 because I wasn’t believed and I was often punished and/or had it used against me.

Nevertheless, everyone (read: my partner, my parents, and my partner’s parents) in my life thinks that I’m terrible awful wrong bad lying etc. for using the chair.

I’ve been using it for ~2 months and this is the first week my partner hasn’t argued with me about it or made an unnecessary comment. #1 worst thing they’ve said is that I’m “neglecting half of my body” by not walking 24/7. Oooh that made me mad. I do my PT almost every day, I stretch every day, I know exactly what almost every ache and pain originates from, I check in with my body constantly throughout the day. But I’m “neglecting it.” Not to mention that after my second appointment my Doctor specifically said he wants me using the chair until at least June.

My partner was originally very supportive, but then they talked to their mom and suddenly everything changed and they are borderline vindictive about my chair. Their mother is a Doctor, true, but most of her career she was a PICU nurse and also knows exactly nothing about my medical history except that I’m allergic to pecans and walnuts. Oh, and their dad has a friend who cured hashimotos by going gluten free, so obviously I’m just not trying hard enough or smthn. ((I’ve been almost gluten free before. No change.))

I cried every week about their attitude towards/comments about my chair except for this one. Every time I felt confident about it I would remember everything they said and my shoulders would physically slump. But no matter how many times I brought up how hurt and uncared for I was feeling, it ended up with me crying and them being either the same or more solid in their beliefs.

My therapist is a saint.

On the brightish side, my family and partner have finally begun taking my health and chronic issues seriously. I went to the Doctor two weeks after I got the chair and got started on a new medicine (a loop diuretic if anyone’s curious).

My mom keeps asking if I’m “better yet” and it’s really hurtful for some reason? She wants to know all my improvements, but when I start to say how my chair has helped so much, she cuts me off and says “no I mean the medicine.”

I am on the lowest dose they make, and I only take it every other day. I haven’t lost any weight since starting it (loop diuretics work by flushing excess water out of your body via peeing every twelve seconds, and this leads to weight loss. It’s estimated I’m carrying ~30lbs in water weight). Again, it’s been nearly two months. I’m the pissmaster 9000 every other day.

My mom at some point said she just “can’t accept that I’m in a wheelchair at 20.” My brother in Christ, what does that even mean? I’m not even using it full-time, or even the majority of the time.

I’ve had a follow up with my Doctor since I started but he kept me on the same dose even though I told him I haven’t lost any weight. Cest la vie.

He did tell me he wants me using the chair until at least June, and if all goes well he’ll start me in (another round of) PT, and it sounded like he wanted me doing decently intensive PT because he asked if I was in school in June and said it was good I wasn’t. If I go to PT, the chair usage advice will be passed on to them.

This post got far too long. I’ll split my crutches experience into a separate post and link it here once it’s up.

The chair herself. Yeah it’s in a bathroom don’t worry about it.