#i want (i dont want to die thats not good for my mental health) i want. i want. i want something different

[thedrotter]

not-yet-dead-person

silly comic of a conversation in-game i thought was too funny not to make something proper for instead of a doodle ww

(timelapse + wip images (thus silly process commentary in read more if you like artist commentary :3)

i think the sketch looks silly and goofy and funny so i find it important to share with you the mere presence of the faces i drew on it. i drew it on top of the boxes without staying inside its borders because i find my proportions can get wonky if i draw them cropped in a restricted space. and I feel trapped otherwise and i will draw BAD!!! give me spaceeeee to go wild!!!!

the head circles are there for emotional support

very low res speedpaint because truth is the canvas was much bigger than the space where my comic was placed. i didnt account when exporting my timelapse in 720px that that tiny space would look so pixelated ... but it's able to be percieved, so its okay.

(i will now comment on my process and it is not brief sorry)

usually i would try to clean up my sketches and figure out what goes on top before jumping into linework, but since there are multiple panels and drawings i chose to jump into inking right away for the sake of brevity. i just went in with a brush that uses pen pressure and drew what was needed. i added extra line thickness and contrast in areas around the face because it helps direct your eyes there more easily that way.

according to her equipment rei has a chain belt but i only remembered it existed once I was going to color, and i did not like that discovery... I chose to ignore it to maintain my peace. i already have the color palettes for these characters figured out, and i didnt really want to think about a new element at the moment www I tend to overthink those things a lot so i skipped it

the rest is rather straightforward! not that anything else wasn't, but in here i could turn my brain off and sing. linework and sketching require mumbling so i cannot turn my brain off. just block in the characters with a solid color so i can have a mask (something along those lines,) where the color can stay inside. then just color in !!!

Base colors just had slight cell shading on the skin, and for the hair i airbrush a bit of the skincolor in low opacity near the forehead... I'm not sure what it means, but i can look at the faces easier with it somehow. i like the gentle subtlety it adds even if you cant really tell. it makes things look nice.

background was just me blocking in the color of the wall and floor, shade the wall a bit, then slap a noise and free use wood texture on top. work smarter not harder ! yet it took a bit to make it look stylistically fitting with the characters, and even now i think bottom middle panel looks odd. whatever!!!

for the middle panel i thought itd be funny if the background was a solid silly and colorful one to contrast the next panel's sketchy black one. a contrast to how the word widow is seen. on that note my handwritting is not pointy. i gaslighted my hand into thinking that it was indeed pointy in that moment so i could write "not-yet dead person" in letters that didn't seem cute. my hand did not fall for it but it complied anyway

that's basically it! I'm not sure what else i could say that doesn't feel barebones because it really is that straightforward. if you're curious I used clip studio paint for this. only special brush used was for linework (a brush named Lemon Brush), the rest used were just the default. my computer gets the least credit. it was trying to convince me a 20mb file was going to nuke it all the time and hardly let me save multiple times so i do not appreciate it

[samwisefamgee]

god wants me to kill myself sooooo fucking bad lately lol nice try bitch im queer

[princessmyriad]

.

[phagodyke]

venting sorry... don't want to just delete it bc it helps to get it out just ignore this post pls 👍

haven't slept much at all and feeling so sick andstressed and in pain bc my period is due and so tired its making me dizzy but i cant sleep more or ill just feel more sick and I want a hug and to cry so hard into someones shoulder but no one cares or will even come near me it makes me feel diseased they think things about me that aren't true bc I struggle so much to communicate and thry all make assumptions insteqd and no one wants to give me space to talk to them about it so I cant undo that now and its all my fault and I'm so. exhausted :-(

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

one of my batfam hot takes is that alfred having a very kind and understanding grandfather-like role is a boring spin on the character and lacks a lot of nuance around his backstory.

like he is a classically trained british butler which means he very likely comes from a working class family. and like, as a working class brit myself, i sometimes find the kindly, well-mannered grandfather thing grating because, a lot of white, working class men his age are unfortunately not nice people. some of them are like my great grandad was a really great guy, but hes really the only one i know who is or was not awful.

because their generation werent as exactly raised with ideals about mental health and emotional regulation. a lot of them were traumatised due to ww2 either because they saw it firsthand when they were like 15, they were old enough to remember things like rationing and the blitz, and a lot of them lost their dads in the war.

i dont expect american writers to understand how much ww2 affected britain (modern britain is still so steeped in it, its insane) and that generation specifically, BUT id love to see that explored more with alfred. like depending on where he grew up, he would likely have been separated from his family during the blitz and sent off to the countryside like most of the kids in cities were, (this is how narnia starts) and like, a lot of them were horrifically abused or used as free labour. a lot of them also lost parents and never got to say goodbye to them. many came back to destroyed homes. some kids also remained in the city or their parents requested them back so theyd experience the blitz first hand and would know the sign of air raid siren meant they might die that night.

you can see how a lot of that generation were permanently scarred. and for a few decades now, alfred would have been part of that generation.

plus he was also a secret service officer which is just like more opportunities to be traumatised and more reason for him to not be this gentle old man whos in touch with his emotions.

and like, as a classically trained butler, he would likely be more reserved because you know, thats how he was trained. also british men that age would also likely be very hands off in regards to emotions.

but the biggest reason as to why the gentle, kind grandfather take doesnt really make sense is that he raised bruce wayne.

like bruce has a whole slew of emotional issues and problems, and obviously some of that is going to come from alfred raising him because you know, thats kinda how that works. i know a lot of batfam folks want bruce to be this great dad, so i guess their take on alfred fits that, but canonically, bruce wayne is an emotional mess and not the best father figure at the best of times.

you cannot look at that bruce wayne and tell me alfred did a good job.

listen, this shouldn't even be a hot take. it's just an opinion that differs from the most popular interpretation of Alfred as an endlessly giving grandmotherly old man.

the thing about Alfred is that more than anything you have to recognize that he's an enabler. and I love the man to pieces, but at absolute best he was extremely negligent in Bruce's upbringing, if not actively encouraging the world's worst coping mechanisms.

I hate to give Gotham credit for anything, especially when it comes to Alfred since I hate their Alfred, but the show was bang on in its insistence from day one that Alfred should not have been Bruce's primary guardian. it's painful to watch how often Alfred encourages Bruce to tough it out and suck it up, and it never really stops. in one of the latter seasons (four, I think) he hits Bruce hard enough to give him a black eye during an argument, and this is ultimately written as a situation in which Bruce needs to apologize to Alfred for being a bratty teenager, rather than Alfred owing Bruce an apology for hitting him when he's a grief-stricken teenage boy cracking under stress.

and like, listen, I understand there are Watsonian and Doylist layers to this. Alfred fundamentally can't have been a good enough guardian to stop Bruce from channeling his trauma into fursuit vigilantism, because then there's no story. I get it.

but jesus christ.

I don't think characterizations of Alfred as a stoic caregiver are wrong, but I do think people don't want to think about how he got there. when I see the aged Alfred patching up Bruce's wounds and nagging him to eat, or doing his best to offer advice to the kids who have gotten mixed up in Bruce's crusade, I see a man who realized a long time ago that he dropped the fucking ball and has dedicated his life to doing as much damage control as possible. okay, so, completely failed step one (raise a well-adjusted child). can we at least make sure that this basket case adult man doesn't go completely over the edge? can we make sure he doesn't become a killer? can we encourage him to take off the mask and be Bruce Wayne sometimes? can we keep the children safe?

I do think Alfred loves all of them, for whatever its worth. his care for Bruce is real, that is his son, the Batgirls and Robins are his extended family. he'll cook their uneaten meals and clean the entire, massive house himself and stitch them up every night forever. he would die for them. hell, he'd kill for them. he loves them. but none of that means he raised Bruce right.

that's kind of the thing I like most about the Bats: they all care so, so much. but the way they love is terrible.

[seros-girl]

ruined myself because of you (k. bakugo x f!reader??? ends up as s. todoroki x f!reader)

synopsis: bakugo & reader are super close and flirty. bakugo’s girl gets the boy first, and youre left to swallow yourself whole, diving into unhealthy habits for a hero in training. kirishima, sero, todoroki, and yayorozu help you get bakugo off your mind. jiro, kaminari, and ashido tell bakugo, but you’ve already gotten over it.

WARNINGS: mentions of mental health, eating disorders, & slacking off in hero training

1 MONTH INTO UA SECOND YEAR: MAY

you pat bakugo softly to get his attention. he turns around and gives you his undivided attention as you rambled on about something before aizawa came in for homeroom.

“training later?” you asked him and he nods agreeing. mr. aizawa walked in, tired as always. he lets iida and momo take over as he knocks out in the corner of the classroom for the next hour.

classes went by as usual and you happily skipped next to bakugo on the way back to the dorms. “quit skipping” he mumbles out a small smile poking out on his lips as he watches you. it amuses him.

you quickly grabbed your training bag and met up with bakugo in the common room. you walked to the gym together and sparred for a good couple of hours.

bakugo winning obviously and gave you tips on what to do next time. you both walked back to the dorms, sweaty and tired. you said goodnight and went up to your dorm to shower.

kats 🧡

you did good today dumbass, same time tomorrow?

you replied back with a yes and he reacts with a thumbs up and sends a goodnight message. you clutched your phone to your chest and giggled softly.

2 WEEKS LATER

“bakugo can we watch a movie?” you asked him on your way back to the dorms from training. “sure” he mumbles out shifting both gym bags that are over his shoulders.

“what do you carry in here princess?” he huffs out dramatically. you giggle walking ahead of him slightly. his lips turn upwards at the sound of your small laugh.

“lots of clothes, other stuff” you shrugged your shoulders smiling up at him. “what movie we watching sweets?” he asks and you walk backwards looking at him.

“how do we feel about tangled?” you smiled and he only looks at you. “sure” he says and you smiled wide nodding your head in excitement.

“yay” you giggled and he smiles fully now. “you are something else huh?” he stops walking and drops both of your bags on the floor.

“what do ya mean by that kats?” you said and he tackles you in a hug. his hands find your waist, gripping you tightly and you let out a shriek, you arms immediately going around his neck.

“aww so katsuki bakugo can be affectionate” you teased running your hands through his hair. “shut up” he says burrying his head in your neck.

3 DAYS LATER

“hey sweets?” bakugo calls out for you as you lay on his bed, while he finishes up english homework at his desk. “hm” you hum sitting up to give him attention.

“would it be a bad idea to train with our classmates?” he asks putting his pencil down and turning to look at you. “not at all” you said and you tilt your head to the side.

“its just-“ he starts but cuts himself off. “just everything after the war. i died like i cant believe i died. i was dead for i dont know how long. i realize i cant be putting off my other classmates, they earned their spot here too” he says and you smile.

“thats great kats, its a good idea. talk to them about it” you encouraged and he nodded and thanked you. “seeing you die in front of me” you started and looked at him.

“it broke me, and im so glad they saved your life on the battlefield” you said getting up and walking towards him.

“i heard pink cheeks was on the brink of death. wonder what it felt like for her” he said shaking his head. “i heard her quirk expanded” you said and he nods his head.

“heard it from jiro” he says and you remember jiro was in the gunga village. “enough of that just wanted to know if it was a good idea or not” he says and you threw yourself on his bed again.

he puts his pencil down again and gets up. he stretches and looks at you. “dont think about it katsuki bakugo” you warned and he smirked and threw himself on top of you, laughing.

1 MONTH LATER: JUNE

it first started off with bakugo standing you up during training. you sat on the gym floor stretching, waiting for bakugo. 10 minutes had passed and nothing. you texted him and no response.

you sighed and laid on the floor. your phone dinged and you looked at it.

kats 🧡

shit sorry, something came up. rain check?

you

sure, its fine!

left on read. if only you knew that was the beginning of it all. on multiple occasions he would leave you there like an idiot and it wasnt until kaminari came in one day and told you where he was.

“he’s with ochacko” he said stretching as he came in to train with you. he felt bad that this was happening and decided to fill in bakugo’s spot.

“why’s that?” you asked him and he shrugged. “they seem to be getting close” he says standing up and pulling you up with him.

you trained with kaminari for three hours before calling it a day. you texted bakugo and he left them all on read. you decided to leave him alone, but your chest ached. “he’ll come around” kami reassured, patting you on the back.

a week later and this behavior was still ongoing. you now started walking to class alone. you sighed as you walked down the stairs and out of the common room. you walked into the classroom, greeted your classmates and sat in your seat.

you slouched down as you groaned and leaned your head down on the table. “oi” you hear and you lift your head up. you look at bakugo as he sighs. “‘m sorry for standin you up” is all he says. “been training with pink cheeks ‘s nothing personal” he says to you.

“you didnt have to distance yourself” you mumbled out and he rubs a hand over his face. “training tomorrow?” he asks you and you look at him. “promise not to stand me up?” you said softly and he nods. “even buy you food” he mutters out and you nod.

“deal” you said and mr. aizawa came in and told you guys to get your hero costumes and meet outside for training. you grabbed your case and walked to the locker room. as you and the girls change you notice a chain that ochako seems to have somewhere on her hero costume.

its small, you’d almost missed it altogether. you brushed it off and closed your locker and walked out with momo, jiro, and mina. mr. aizawa paired you up to spar with others. he paired you up ochako, great.

you watched your classmates spar with each other and before you knew it, you and ochako were up. you knew you were going to be bad today, you hadn’t trained properly in weeks.

you stood across from her as you looked at yoir friends. they sent encouraging signals and you smiled weakly at them. mr. aizawa could sense something was wrong and before blowing his whistle he pulled you aside.

“are you okay?” he asked you as he glanced over yoir figure, cautiously in worry. “‘m fine mr. aizawa” you said rubbing your eyes. he only sighs and signals for you to get ready. he blew the whistle and you immediately activated your quirk.

telekinesis came in handy when you were in focus. she lunged at you and you lost focus and she pulled her “gunhead martial arts” move on you, pinning you to the ground. she was declared the winner and you lay there on the floor, frustrated and embarrassed.

you winced slightly as you held your side as you sit up. “im sorry did i go to hard?” she asks sweetly and you only lift your hand up to signal her to be quiet. “‘m fine” you said wincing slightly as you got up from the floor.

sero came over to help you after seeing that bakugo wasnt going to do it. “you okay?” he asks as he places a hand over yours, where your holding your side. its then he feels it. worry flashes over his face, but he quickly covers it up.

mr. aizawa catches on and instructs you to sit down on the floor again. “on a scale of 1-10 how bad is the pain?” he asks touching around the area and watches as you wince in pain. “9” you manage out and he feels a certain spot, confirming his suspicions.

“okay iida, yayorozu i need you guys to stay here while i take y/n to recovery girl” he announced and they immediately stepped up to their duties as class president and representative.

todoroki looks at you worried. mr. aizawa leaves with you in his arms as ochako stands there, distraught. “did i just?” she trails off as tears welled up in her eyes.

izuku takes a step forward, cautiously. “hey its not your fault” he reassures her and she nods her head. she looks at bakugo and her body moves towards him. he extends his arms out to her and pulls her into a hug.

the whole class is shocked, but doesnt say anything until all might arrives to continue the class as intended.

2 MONTHS LATER: MID AUGUST

“hi kats” you smiled up at him as you both walked to the elevator of the dorms together. he grumbles a hi out as he hits the buttom to the main floor. it was dinnertime and ochako cooked dinner today.

“what do you think is on the menu tonight?” you asked him and he only shrugs. you left it at that and the elevator dinged, the doors opening. you were immediately met with the smell of food and the chatter of your classmates.

class 2A seems to be lively tonight as you and bakugo went separate ways. you met up with sero, kaminari, and jiro. “and bakugo?” sero asks you and you point to him.

“he’s acting a bit weird no?” he asks you and you shrug. you watch him grab himself a plate and dismiss himself off to his room, thanking ochako for the meal.

thanking ochako? you thought to yourself. “okay that was weird” kaminari commented and you nodded your head. “lets drop it yeah?” you told them and moved to sit on the couch, suddenly not hungry anymore.

sero, jiro, and kaminari see and exchange glances between each other. they’ve noticed bakugo’s behavior towards you recently. standing you up for training (sero, kaminari, and even todoroki always stepped in to make you happy), ignoring your messages, stopped walking to class together; everything.

everyone eats happily as you sit on the couch, feet tucked in and you’re on your phone. midoriya sees you and he calmly joins you. “hey! theres some leftover if you want some!” he says giving you a soft smile.

“thanks midoriya but i think i’ll skip out on dinner tonight” you said standing up, your classmates watching. they’ve noticed everything. you all live together, they pick up on things around here.

“come on a small plate” sato says and extends his hand for you to join him in the kitchen. you sigh softly and take his hand and he leads you to the kitchen. its kind of known that you have feelings for bakugo.

“hey everything will work out okay?” sato says placing a gentle hand on your shoulder, comforting you. you nodded your head and thanked him. you bid a goodnight as you quickly made your way up the stairs and to your dorm.

on the fourth floor, you dumped the plate of food into the trashcan at the end of the hall and walked the remaining flight of stairs up to your room. bakugo was on his way out and saw you dump the food out.

3 days later, theres a knock on your door at 9 pm. you move to unlock ot and you see bakugo standing there, bags in hand. “can i help you?” you asked softly rubbing your arm in order to soothe yourself.

“hungry?” he asks holding the bags up and you eye them. “not really” you said shaking your head and he sighs. “can i come in then?” he asks you and you hesitantly nod your head.

“look im sorry” he starts off as he places the food on your desk. he looks around your room and then at you. you look tired, exhausted, thinner. “i’ve been a shitty friend i know” he says and pulls your desk chair directly across from you where you sit on your bed.

“i just thought training with our other classmates would be a good idea, you know this” he shares and you smile at that. “well im glad youre getting along with the others” you stifle a laugh and his lips turn upward, amused.

“you seem to be getting close to others though” you commented quietly and he sighs. “pink cheeks is just a friend” he says and you look at him. “dont lie to me” you stated and he nods his head. “i know” he sighs again.

“you can tell me if somethings going on between you two, who am i to be mad at? im your best friend i’ll be happy for you” you said trying to smile. he thinks your words over and shifts his body more towards you. "well actually there is" he started and you listened intently.

"it really did start off as training, but the more i trained with her, the more i realized i began to have feelings for her" he says and you nod indicating you are following along.

"so i asked her out on a date, and so far we have gone on 3 of them" he smiles and you forced one too to seem happy for him. “im making it official on our next one” he says calmly and you smile.

“way to go!” you pushed his shoulder lightly and he looks down, smiling. “your rib okay?” he asks nodding towards your rib where ochako broke it on accident. “mhm” you nodded.

“you and tape face seem to be getting close” he teases and you roll your eyes. “nah sero’s not who i have feelings for” you shook your head and he looks at you. “then who?” he pushes and you shake your head.

“dont tell me its icy hot” he teases and you nod to go along. “yea its icy hot happy?” you smile as you lie to him. “well he’d be stupid not to go for someone like you” he says standing up. “‘m leaving that here. eat up will ya? im worried” he says pointing towards the food.

“yea yea” you wave him off and he leaves. you sigh, locking you dorm door. you throw yourself on your bed and stare at the ceiling. you see why ochako. you turn on your side and eye the picture of you and bakugo you have on your desk.

you cry yourself to sleep that night.

1 WEEK LATER

you were studying with your classmates in the common room. ochako and bakugo just got back from somewhere (a date most likely) and they seemed giddy. they joined you all in studying. you sat with todoroki as you worked on math with him.

a message came in from bakugo and you glanced at it.

kats 🧡

ochako and i are official

you froze seeing it. todoroki picked up on your tense stature. “is everything alright?” he asks putting his pencil down. “mhm” you manage to let out, tears threatening to spill. you turned your phone upside down and looked at shoto.

“‘m okay sho” you tried smiling, but he could sense something was wrong. “im worried about you” he voices his concerns. “im alright” you said getting up and grabbing your materials.

“where are you going?” kaminari said as he looked up from his art history textbook. sero chimes in, “yea dude were all having a good time here, whats up?” he asks concerned. all of your classmates are now looking at you, encouraging you to stay.

“im okay guys really” you said smiling at them. “were all worried about you” ochako spoke up and everyone stopped talking and looked at your reaction. she got up and walked towards you, extending her hands out.

“you’ve been off since that day i accidentally broke your rib. i’ve been worried about you. you look tired, exhausted even, you’ve been slacking in hero training, and you look thinner. please let me lend a hand” she says and you eye her hands.

you know its not her fault. this will never be her fault. you look down hiding your eyes. “im okay really” your voice cracks and she stares at you. you gently take one of her hands. you let her pull you into a hug and your classmates exchange knowing glances.

bakugo finds it amazing. his girlfriend and best friend getting along. he smiles at the scene infront of him. sero and kaminari look at him and roll their eyes at their idiot of a friend.

“im tired” you said quietly and bid a goodnight to everyone. you slowly walked towards the stairs and you tripped over your own feet, landing harshly on the first stair.

todoroki is quick to help and helps you to your room. “are you sure youre okay?” he asks you and you nod your head yes. “just tired shoto, i promise” you said and with that he leaves, making sure to turn off the lights and close the door.

you cry yourself to sleep again that night.

2 MONTHS LATER: OCTOBER

about 2 months after bakugo told you he and ochako were official, it only went downhill from there. you completely distanced yourself from bakugo, even requested mr. aizawa to switch you seats with midoriya.

you sit in seat number 9 now, infront of sato,behind kirishima and next to tokoyami and iida. you went on about your usual days, you went to class, trained, hung out with your friends, repeat.

aizawa let the cases come out of the wall as he said you all have joint training with class 2B. you picked up number 18, as they havent switched yours and midoriya’s hero costumes yet.

you made your way to the locker rooms, class B in tow. you all made small talk together on your way there, separating to get changed. you talked with setsuna and jiro as you changed into your hero costume.

it’s evidently baggy on you, but you shrug off the looks sent your way as you tie up your heeled boots and walk out of the locker room. jiro and setsuna followed after you, still keeping conversation.

“hey guys!” setsuna says as she waves at some of her classmates. you smile at them and wave to them as well. you walk towards bondo, tetsutetsu, honenuki, and awase.

“hey everything okay? your costum-“ bondo says and is cut off by honenuki slapping his head. “sorry about that” he says sheepishly and you only nod your head. “here” he mutters and pulls out two hair ties. “tie it to cling to your body better” he says shyly, extending his hand out to you.

“thank you” you said taking them from him. he helepd you and you thanked him. “y/n” mr. aizawa called out and you walked over to him. the classes awaited for further instructions as they looked at the both of you.

“you sure you want to do this today? you can always sit out if you want” he says cautiously. “i can train today dont worry mr. aizawa, i appreciate it” you smiled at him and he looked at class B’s homeroom teacher, vlad king.

“are you sure?” he pushes and you nod your head frustrated. “im fine mr. aizawa!” you snapped and immediately shut your mouth again. “im sorry” you whispered as you looked up at your teacher.

class A and B exchange glances as they look at the interaction between the 3 of you. kirishima covered his mouth in shock as your classmates look at you.

“she’s gone nuts” mineta says and tsu shuts him up with her tongue. mr. aizawa sighs and waves his hand to dismiss the behavior and tells you to stand with your classmates.

you stood, sandwich between shoto and kirishima. a hand wraps around your waist in a comforting manner. you look down to see todoroki did that. he doesnt look down at you, but theres a hint of a smile on his face.

“we’ll have y/n form her own team” mr. aizawa said as he turned to look at you. “remember 5 only, we want you to be comfortable” he says nodding his head and you stepped forward.

“shoto” you mumbled and he was immediately by your side. you looked over your classmates and had a hard time choosing. “toshi” you waved shinso over and he stood on your right. “yaomomo” you smiled up at her and she stood next to shinso.

“one more” mr. aizawa said and you looked over once again. your eyes landed on bakugo and for a second he thought you were going to choose him. he was the one you did most of your previous training with.

your eyes moved next to him and called out to the yellow-blonde boy. “denks” you nodded firmly and he joined your group high fiving you. “what a gnarly team” kirishima said clapping and you smiled.

“dang they got fire and ice, creation, brainwashing, electrification, and telekinesis. we’re screwed” sero whined putting his head in his hands. “shut it tape face” bakugo grumbled, bothered.

ochako looked up at him and placed a gentle hand on his forearm. he relaxed at her touch and his frown went away. the two classes were assorted into their teams and soon it was time to start drawing who’d go against who.

team l/n was up for round 3 against team monoma, who had juzo honenuki, setsuna tokage, yosetsu awase, and sen kaibara. you watched the first two rounds go by with team uraraka vs team kendo in the first round and team ashido vs team tetsutetsu in the second round.

team uraraka consisted of midoriya, sato, tsuyu, and hagakure. it was honestly a pretty great team. bakugo watched you from afar as you conversed with your team.

“good luck out there” honenuki says as he passes by you. he holds his helmet in his hands and you can see his face. “thanks juzo you too” you smiled at him and his cheeks turn slightly pink.

he nods his head and walks off, happily. “oh he definitely wants you” denki teased and yaomomo gave you a smile. “wait really?” you frowned as you looked at honenuki. “duh” shinso said and you looked up at them confused.

“dudes been dropping hints since our first year, after the sports festival” denki said and you start clicking the pieces together. you looked at todoroki as he looks at the ground, avoiding your eyes.

“well im not interested in him” you mumbled and frowned. “he’s really nice but i dont have feelings for him that way” and they all looked at you.

“its bakugo huh?” shinso spoke up and you all exchanged glances. “you know he’s an asshole for what he did” he started and you looked up at your purple haired friend.

“how so?” you asked and he looks down at you, meeting your eyes. “you guys flirted, very obvious. then he suddenly picks up interest in uraraka? he was too pussy to say he had feelings for you, wanted you to do all the work. uraraka made the first move did you know?” he said and you looked at them.

bakugo and ochako attached at the hip. it makes sense. “i dont care anymore” you shook your head looking down. “okay you know you care, honey” shinso said tilting his head to the side.

you stared back into his violet eyes. “drop it toshi” you said firmly and he raised his hands up defensively. “just saying” he muttered and looked to the side.

“round 2 is now over! team tetsutetsu wins!” present mic said and you looked at your group. “ready?” you asked them as they got up from their sitting positions.

“i got you okay?” shoto said as he got closer to you and put one hand carefully on your waist. you smiled up at him and nodded. “thank you sho” and he smiled down at you. he kept his hand on your waist as you walked by both classes.

“good luck” monoma taunts and you stick your tongue out at him. you knew he was joking around, he still likes teasing you guys. bakugo watches shoto’s hand on your back.

“icy hot is so into her” he mumbles to kirishima and sero with a smile. kirishima and sero look at him with a deadpanned look. “what? she told me she’s into him” he defends and the boys look at each other.

“roki’s got her” sero says and scoffs while turning away. “hey jiro ashido” kirishima spots his friends and the boys walk towards them, and away from bakugo.

the round started and you stuck by todoroki the whole time, not wanting to get separated. you were doing great with your team, amazing. denki managed to take down awase and lock him in the designated prison.

you were struggling with setsuna as kaibara was protecting her the best way possible. not to mention her quirk is amazing. monoma was copying quirks left and right and with denki’s quirk, he was able to take down yamomo.

shinso, using his persona cords, brainwashed kaibara and he stopped, frozen in place. “hey kaibara i didnt say anything!” setsuna yelled out spotting shinso on a near by building.

you stayed afloat, avoiding the ground as honenuki was softening it.

you had 10 minutes on the clock and right now both teams were tied. monoma managed to copy your quirk earlier and flew up to you.

“hi y/n” he waved at you with a smirk on his face. “class A has been having some troubles” he starts and you look at him confused. “were just fine” you shook your head and he laughs. “bakugo and uraraka” he says and your eyes widened.

you are so glad you arent mic’d up for this. as your classmates fight below you, you’re here floating in the air having a conversation with monoma.

“he’s an asshole” he says and you only stare at him. you lunged at him ready to take him down and he reaches out placing his hands on your shoulders.

“im not one made for close combat” he says as he sends you tumbling down a set of pipes. “you asshole!” you yelled out as your back hit multiple pipes on the way down.

you landed on the soft floor, thanks to honenuki. he softened the ground for you as you laid there, unconscious. mr. aizawa immediately called off the round and everyone deactivated their quirks.

“y/n!” shoto ran towards you as your friends surrounded you. “its a draw!” present mic said as your classmates look at the screen in worry. sero, kirishima, jiro, and mina move towards the screen.

“monoma cheated!” sero yelled out as all might shook his head. “they werent that far off the ground, she’s fine” he said gently as they wheeled you out with recovery girl in tow.

they wheel you off as she pulls all might, mr. aizawa, and vlad king off to the side. “the girl is extremely thin. the fall made her ribs crack. i can heal her just fine” she says with worry.

she looks at aizawa who has a guilty look on his face. “you shouldn’t have let her participate. talk to your students. find out whats going on with this poor girl” she says shaking her head and walking off to heal you.

bakugo watches the interaction and looks at the floor. he needs to figure out whats happened to you.

that same night, mr. aizawa called for a meeting in the common room. you sat with todoroki as you played with his fingers. he looks down at your hands and smiles at your touch.

once all 20 of you are there he starts. “i need everyone to tell me whats going on” he says immediately cutting to the chase. “she may not want to fess up and tell me, but as her friends if you know and want to help her out, please do tell whats going on” he continues as he gestures towards you.

the class stays quiet, all giving glances to each other. “i know you know” mr. aizawa says towards sero, kirishima, mina, jiro, and kaminari. “its truly not our business to tell sir” jiro said quietly and you look at mr. aizawa’s expression.

you come up with a lie. “i wanted to lose weight cause i felt too beefy for a girl” you said quietly, still playing with todoroki’s fingers. “i thought if i was thinner… i dont know, im sorry” you said tears welling up in your eyes.

mr. aizawa knew there was more to it, but he wasnt going to press it. everyone else knew the real truth, apart from uraraka and bakugo.

“everyone off to their dorms” he says and everyone gets up. you stayed seated on the floor as mr. aizawa signaled for your friends to stay, even bakugo.

once the common room was cleared you sat there, head down. “y/n i need the truth so we can help you” mr. aizawa started crouching down to meet your eyes.

you looked back at your friends and sighed. “sero” you motioned for him to come to you. he crouches down and you lean in to whisper into his ear, cupping it so no one could read your lips.

sero nods and you give him a nod and look at your teacher. sero stands to his full height and gently pulls mr. aizawa off to the side. “seriously whats going on?” you hear bakugo tell you and you simply ignore him.

mr. aizawa dismissed you all and you followed sero and todoroki back up to the fifth floor.

1 MONTH LATER: NOVEMBER

“oi dumbasses!” mina, jiro, and kaminari heard as they turned around to see bakugo was heading towards them, his phone in his hand.

“where’s y/n? cant get ahold of her” he says waving his phone in the air at them. “she’s probably with todoroki at therapy with present mic were not sure” mina answered and he nods.

“am i blocked or something i tried contacting her through instagram too cant see her profile” he says unlocking his phone and going to her profile only for the “user not found!” to pop up.

“let me see” jiro says taking her phone out and finding your profile with ease. “seems like she did. i dont blame her honestly” she shrugged putting her phone away and linking her arm with denki’s.

“huh?” he says and looks at the three of them. “you see the state she’s in bakubro?” denki started off sarcastically. “its because of you” he continued and bakugo’s face contorted into one of confusion.

“i dont get it. you guys flirted, acted like something was there, dude she watched you die!” denki yelled, now getting angry. everyone in the common room looking at the interaction.

uraraka listened intently. “and now that you went off training with uraraka all of a sudden theres feelings?” denki kept going, mad. “was it cause uraraka made the first move? y/n was waiting for months on you to make a move, it absolutely broke her to see you distance yourself from her, someone she loves!” jiro rubbed his arm to soothe denki.

“you cant be more stupid man, she loves you” denki said more calmly now. the common room goes quiet and bakugo stands there dumbfounded. he drops his phone and looks at the three of them in confusion.

“i made her like that?” he mutters out as he glances towards the floor, tears stinging his eyes. uraraka looks from afar as she stands with tsu, iida, and midoriya.

“i never meant to hurt her” he says shaking now. “fuck” he mutters out, his hands flying to his hair as everyone looks at him, concerned etched onto their features.

the sound of giggling can be heard, your giggling as you and todoroki walk back in, hand in hand. your laughter dies down as soon as you enter the tense atmosphere.

“whats wrong?” you ask out with a small smile as you look at everyone. your eyes land on bakugo and your face contorts into one of concern.

“they told bakugo” sero says and you look at jiro, mina, and kaminari. you glance at uraraka as tsu wraps an arm around her shoulder.

you look up at todoroki and give him a small smile. you squeeze his hand and he squeezes it back in understanding. you slowly move towards bakugo and gently take his hands away from his hair.

“lets talk yeah?” you ask him trying to meet his eyes. he realizes its you and his breaths start to slow down and he pulls you into a hug.

“i never meant to hurt you” he mumbles into your neck as you stroke his hair. “i know kats” you said choking on a sob. you pull away and keep him at arms length.

“but see im okay now” you smiled up at him and wipe his tears. “i learned to accept it and im happy for you truly” you started and he nods his head.

“im okay, look im doing good” you said indicating your figure and how’ve you brought up your weight by a little bit. “and look, me and todoroki have finally decided to take the next step” you said turning to look at shoto and he smiles at you.

“everything is okay, i promise” you said sincerely and he finally calms down. “im blocked” he says and glances down at his phone. “kats i blocked you a long time ago, i’ll go ahead and undo it” you said slowly releasing him from your grip.

“youre the first boy i’ve ever grown to love, but i moved on. my feelings for shoto are so real, like yours for ochako” you said and he nods his head. “love that girl” he says sniffling and looking down at the floor to hide his small smile.

“best friends?” he said holding his pinky out. “best friends” you said and completed his pinky promise. you hugged it out and laughed. “were dumb arent we?” you giggled as you pulled away.

“so dumb” he confirms and laughs with you. “yay they made up!” kirishima says throwing his hands in the air as everyone erupts into laughter. “class 2A group hug!” kirishima yells out and they all tackle you and bakugo.

5 MONTHS LATER: APRIL

the start of your third year at UA high school has officially begun. one more year until youre a pro hero. how exciting.

you laugh at something tetsutetsu says as todoroki sits next to you, hand on your thigh. you’ve slowly gotten better as the days went on. you and todoroki have officially begun dating.

“okay now thats stupid!” bakugo shot up at something monoma did and ochako laughed lightly pulling him down. “get used to it explosion boy” honenuki teased and you all laughed.

you were playing an american game pony introduced you guys to, uno. bakugo was losing terribly, always drawing cards. you giggled as you leaned into shoto, his free arm going around your waist.

you hide your cards from him and turn to look at him. “dont look at my cards sho” you giggled as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. “just holding you close” he muffles and you smile.

“shoto your turn” tetsutetsu says looking at him. the pile had a red 5. shoto looked at his cards and plopped down a blue 5. you put a blue 6 and sero put down a blue 8.

monoma snickered and glanced to his left to look at bakugo. monoma places a +4 wild card and bakugo throws his pile of cards claiming he doesnt want to play anymore.

you all laughed and threw your cards down, calling it the end of the game. honenuki put them away and you all sat around class b’s common room. you and shoto sat on the floor as you all laughed and talked together.

“you know this is nice” ochako said leaning into bakugo. “being able to talk to each other, no class rivalries” she said glancing at monoma for a split second.

you laughed and nodded fist bumping her. “lets talk agencies” kirishima said eagerly as he held mina close to him. “denki and i’s agencies are going to be right next to each other one day” jiro said looking at denki, lovingly.

“kirishima and i are doing it together” bakugo said looking at kirishima. “then that means ochako and i open ours together” mina winked at her and she winked back.

“count me in on that too yea?” you said and the girls nodded their heads excitedly. “sho how bout you?” you turn to look at him and he looks at you. “i want the name to commemorate my family in a way. for touya” he starts and you all look at him.

“dad passed his agency onto me after he retired and im switching the name” he concludes as he looks at his friends. “way to go sho” you muttered to him with a smile and he smiles back at you.

you kiss his cheek and he blushes instantly. you and bakugo looked at each other as he sat across from you. he nods his head at you with a smile and you do the same.

best friends forever was the deal. best friends forever.

[ravenoclock]

@labyrinthhofmymind

It’s that time again

the following content contains spoilers on a fic called presque vu by bizzarestars

SO

Chapter 25

- Sirius trying to convince Remus that he’ll be the better parent figure

- SIRIUS’ MENTAL HEALTH

OH MY FUCKING GID. AND HE SAID IF HED STAYED WITH REMUS HE PROBABLY WOULDVE HAD A BETTER CHANCE AT HEALING??!!

CAN I DIE NOW

- Sirius calling him beautiful

Yes, she's biased towards him, but that has fuck all to do with his lycanthropy. In Sirius' eyes, Remus is better than anyone, werewolf or no.

(wolfstar in a nutshell)

TWUAIAJHDHWAJAJSOSOADHKSKAJDJSIAJIFISJANSHFIWKNDOWISHDJSJSIFJEKDJSHAODJJTYOEKJALSJHYNEOAKJSJFJTKSJOAJSBDIEOAOHSJDNFPROAJSHUDNTJ

⚰️ <- me

Sometimes, the bare minimum is all they've got.

…

Don’t even know what to say

I need whatever tf zar was on when they wrote this fic like OH my FUCKING GOD

I CANT DO THIS

IM IN THE MIDDLE OF CLASS RN AND THATS THE ONLY TJING STOPPING ME FROM BREAKING DOWN RIGHT FUCKING NOW

Maybe it's the potential of what could have been that's throwing me off.

- ok so who gave Sirius the fucking mic

- WHAT

- this is her talking abt hermione and harry and how Harry would’ve been an older sibling if they’d had the time :(

"You talk like you're old," Remus says, amused.

Sirius shoots him a wry look. "I am old."

"What's that make me, then?"

"You? Oh, Moony, you're in your prime."

…..OLD COUPLE BANTER

I CANT

I LOVE THEM TOO MUCH I FORGET THIS IS A CANON COMPLIANT FIC AND I WISH THEY DIDNT DIE AND I WISH JKR DID THEM JUSTICE AND I WISH THEY GOT TO HEAL TOGETHER AND MAKE OUT LIKE THEY DESERVE TK BUT THEY CANT AND THEY DONT AND IT MAKES ME WANT TO TEAR MY SOUL OUT AND CRY AND CRY AND CRY

"Freddie Mercury was a legend," Sirius states firmly. "Some people just didn't like him because he could be…eccentric. Same thing with Bowie. There's no accounting for your uncle's taste, clearly."

HARRY LISTENING TO BOWIE AND QUEEN. HE IS MY QUEEN. OH MY FUCMING GOD I LOVE THEM SO MUCH SNAKJSJDHSJA

Sirius being like ‘wait u think we’re a couple’ and Harry being like ‘um, you aren’t?’

…nevermind he said ‘hug like brothers’

I shall not be forgiving Harry in the near future. WHAT THE FUCK MAN. YOU WERE ON A ROLL. AND YOU RUINED IT WITH ‘YOU HUG LIKE BROTHERS’ WTF. NOT COOL.

Remus' expression doesn't crack, but the humor in his eyes is evident, and Sirius considers sticking their tongue in his mouth right then and there, just to prove a point. See if Harry calls that brotherly. Fucking hell.

THEY SHOULDVE. THEY SHOULDVE MADE OUT RIVHG THERE AND THEN.

NOT REMUS FRIENDZONING SIRIUS GAHSBSHHAHAHAHSJSJ

SIRIUS CALLING HIM A GOOD BOY

RHEKAKAKJDKSJSJSJDJDJSJJSHS AND THEM GRINJING WHEN REMUS BLUSHED

Sirius knows for a fact that they've managed to fluster him just by how he's talking; whether it's from the good boy comment, or just their teasing look, they don't know. It doesn't really matter, because it pleases Sirius to no end anyway.

SIRIUS KNOWS HOW POWERFUL SHE IS OMG AKRJJWS

…Sirius comparing Molly and Walburga :/

THE BOGGART

WHAT THE FUCJ

THE BOGGART I CSNT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANT I CANY I CANT I CANT I CANT I XANT I CANT

‘Padfoot is Harry’s dog’

- why

- did

- I

- sign

- up

- for

- this

ANYWAYS

That’s it for now and I’m taking healthy breaks throughout this fic cuz I don’t plan on killing myself before I finish it so it’ll be slow updates. :)

Thanks for reading

[joanofdescension]

This fandom is full of shit. Y'all willingly gloss over the heinous alt right things bob has done ONLY after he's dead. If you actually gave a rats ass about Bob dying you would've said the bullying was out of proportion BEFORE he died. Saying "oh he wasnt a good person. blah blah blah BUT he did carry my favorite band for a time. Oh rest in peace bob. DONT say anything bad about bob no matter what. But again i recognize he wasnt a good person" just feels like your trying to wipe the shit off your ass about his harassment so you can stand to feel like a good person. He was an openly racist man. And this isnt something like the rest of the band where its microaggressions doing the heavy lifting. He openly was for trump. Aka a man who wants minorities dead. And we don't owe bob any space on our bed for what he's done wrong. I don't mind people saying that you shldnt openly make fun of him most likely killing himself, but mental health still isn't an excuse. But the people who are glad about his death are valid because thats one less maga filled asshole that we have to worry about. You only care cus you want to feel like a good person. The only people who should be allowed to grieve are the band themselves and people who were close to him BECAUSE they knew him. Sugarcoating his legacy + lighthearted memes are just. GROSS!!!

+ Are you sure he wouldn't openly want you dead if he were alive still. DUH OFC NOT. even if he did die by natural causes he'd still be a maga obsessed ass. this post isn't even me championing his death, its my reaction to how gross everyone is acting. he still gets white privilege from y'all before and after death.

[chrissturniolosbitch]

thank you.

warnings- use of death, self harm, crying, mental health.

summary- y/n's has been struggling with her mental health for a while.

a/n- wait till the end for a juicy surprise!

--------------------------------------------------------

i felt so good. so numb.

everything was spinning, 1,000,000 thoughts at once.

it felt as if nothing was wrong anymore.

everything ive ever had to deal with...

gone

is this a good idea? am i actually going to die?

wait.

i dont want to die? i want to be alive?

suddenly reality hit me. everything i had in that moment would be gone.

i saw a bright beaming light that flashed infront of my eyes.

as i looked closer, i felt more free. more alive

but i didnt want this. i wanted to go back. i wanted matt.

i tried to pull away from the light, but i couldnt.

"why?" i thought to myself as i tried to pull away from the light

it wasnt working?

i was about to give up, i was about to stop fighting.

when suddenly i felt a hand on my waist.

w-what?

"baby? are you okay? a familiar voice echoed through my ears.

i tried to move my body, but couldnt.

i tried to speak, nothing came out but pure muffles.

i still heard the familiar voice in my head.

oh my fucking god.

its matt.

i suddenly felt a jerk to my shoulder.

the light was suddenly gone.

"a-am i dead?" i managed to actually get out as i could finally open my eyes.

"no baby youre with me. youre okay" matt said grabbing me, and pulling me into his chest.

i was home? it was a fucking nightmare?

i bursted into tears, when matt suddenly took my hand and placed it over his heart.

*thump, thump, thump*

"its okay baby, what happened, please talk to me." matt said moving the hair that was sticking to my forehead.

"matt." i said beginning to feel guilty, "i took pills, a-and i tried to k-kill myself"

thats all i could get out before i bursted into tears again.

matts mouth was agape. brows furrowed.

"youre okay now baby. right?" matt said looking at me, worried i needed help...

mentally.

"i- i am..." i lied. i know im hurting but i would NEVER do something like this.

i would never end my life.

matt pulled my legs over his as he pulled me to his chest.

i could still hear his heartbeat

"thank you matt, for helping me. it was so scary ma-" i started talking when matt cut me off

"i know mama, youre okay with me now, safe in my arms. I would never let you or anyone make you hurt" matt kissed my forehead.

"lets get some sleep my love" he stated rubbing tiny circles into my back.

how did i get so lucky, but why the fuck is my mental health so low??

--------------------------------------------------------

ermmm... so yea...

guys i swear im okay and im never fuckkng writing ahit like that again😭....

[psychabolition]

if this is too much please don’t feel pressured to answer. i just have a lot of thoughts about antipsychiarty and idrk where i stand

because, like. ive been in really bad places before and then they hospitalized me and like that was *bad*, right, i still believe thats bad

but the hospitalization put me on meds and OBVIOUDLY I DONT THINK PEOPLE SJOULD BE FORCED ON MEDS ITS UP TO THEM but also i consider my meds to be life-saving. because i no longer want to die. because i can stop having panic attacks. because there is an amount of feeling… not even good! just okay! that i never had before

and ive been in therapy that i hated and therapy that didnt work and the hospital doctor called me a “psycho”. but i also have a therapist now that i love. i consider him a friend. they don’t try to fix me or anything but i just, like. i go to therapy and it helps?

and i want to go into psychology. not psychiatry but psychology, because i want to do for other people what my therapist does for me, and i want to help people, and i want to learn about brains- the “normal” (which doesnt really exist) and the abnormal-

and i say that i am a system. and that i am autistic. that i have depression and anxiety. because it helps me to have language to understand myself. to be able to explain certain complixities of my humanity in less words than it should take and yes it misses out on the nuance but it helps, too, i think. learning i was autistic helped me.

so idk. i want to be anti-psych. because of the medical abuse and the usage of diagnoses to undermine people’s feelings. but can i be antipsych and love my medication. can i be antipsych and want to be a therapist. can i be antipsych and enjoy having labels to use for myself because it helps me learn to love whats in the mirror.

and if i cant be antipsych and all these things, then am i propsych? and for the very system that destorys and abuses and traumatizes people?

sorry for all this

im just confused

and scared.

I mean first off Im just one person whos anti psych and everyone whos anti psych will have different opinions on these subjects .

The most common anti psych stance on meds is that we should have full autonomy in choosing to take medication and in choosing not to take any meds. -this is not what reality looks like rn. Especially people with very stigmatized labels like schizophrenia or bipolar disorder are coerced into taking meds /literally forced on meds trough physical violence and coerced into staying on meds that harm them. And then other people -like for example people who are trans or nonbinary who want to transition are put through a dehumanizing process of pathologization of their queerness just to get access to HRT and then theyre still often denied access to gender affirming care . Both is awful . We always know who we are and what we need best. We deserve full autonomy on our decisions,always. You can obviously take meds yourself and be anti psych thats not a contradiction at all.

Also a lot of people who are anti psych reject the biomedical model (=mental health is the same as physical health - this includes words like Symptom/disorder and diagnosis labels like depression anxiety autism schizophrenia etc) since there is no scientific basis for calling our mental distress / neurodivergency a disorder or an illness and our diagnoses are just descriptive labels that say nothing about the cause of our suffering/behavior/feelings/ourselves in general . There has never been found a chemical imbalance, genetic defect or biomarker for our experiences of distress/neurodiversity .they came to These conclusions through their own Research .its insane that the biomedical model is still talked about as If its scientific fact, it is disproven and inherently contradictory . I highly recommend reading into current anti psych/Mad studies literature to understand how this oppressive system of hegemonic psychology operates in our current neoliberal society and why the biomedical model is still used today to diagnose us as "ill" and "treat" us . This is my perspective on the matter.

But honestly, i wont ever tell someone what words to use to describe their own experiences, how they should think about themselves and who they are - thats what psychologists do . Im not interested in doing that at all . Use the language you seem fit to describe yourself - i just recommend reading into different frameworks of interpreting your own experiences before you conclude that the biomedical model is the one that makes the most sense to you.

This is a different framework based on marxist theory

This is a different framework based on the disability rights movement

This is the biomedical model explained

Resources for psych abolition (harm reduction Guides, Mad studies, Zines ... )

This is a PDF to a book that goes in depth about the biomedical model and how the psychiatric system and its ideology is still extremely oppressive today

One thing that i firmly believe, that a lot of other people who are also anti psych dont share the same view on, is that Im convinced that you can not be against psychiatric violence and then become part of this oppressive system yourself. To me thats like becoming a cop to stop police brutality 💀Give me a Break

Thank you for your ask ! I highly highly recommend reading more into the subject of mad studies/psych abolition before dedicating energy time and money into being part of a system that youll probably despise in the end . (💀i have a degree in psychology by the way so i speak from experience)

[yukidiaries]

I Am At My FUCKING LIMIT

Oh wow, you're getting ass bored and feeling empty in your life isn't it handy to have this game and fanfictions to fill up your meaningless needs for affirmation and need cheap ass fake cliche love and obesession and validation for your crippling mental health issues, oh wow isnt that great that social media comforts you at any moment, oh wow, would your lovely ass look at that, did your dad took your phone for about a bum fuck shit ton of time just slightly cutting of your entertainment for your crippling menteal health issues well good thing we have this handy nice razors in my pocket, oh wow and did i not mention that your parents threatens give you something worse tham death if u continue doing this thing wow wow,, oh wow life is so complicated you ass wants to die so fucking bad, oh well atleast you have ur stupid needs for your mental health issues because its the issue and its legal and better than drugs, alchohol or ass smoking, oh wow i forgor its kinda gone, oh wow well it could be resolved with a lovely ice cream at the night eating alone all by yourself oh right you parents dont even allow you oh wow, oh wow your selfish who knew oh wow, oh wow how nice would it be if you live alone, oh wow right thats impossible, oh wow isnt vape good cause your parents cant possibly know easier than immidiatly seeing your cuts at ur wrist via somehow mind reading ahhahhhahhhahhah, oh wow looks at the prices, your hopeless, well drinking?

[j-crow]

how've you been lately dawg 🤔🤔

in the trenches /j

yapping you didnt ask for incoming:

surprising from what you might think of me but ive been really good lately!!

i love the retj fandom but that shit got so miserable and overwhelming and convoluted that i just. gave up on trying to go back. im much happier staying off discord :D

actually i needed a reason to rant about this but oh my god??? i literally NEVER used to be that upset all the time pre-retj discord server. like the version of me in your head is probably SO inaccurate to how i actually am because i am NEVER that upset all the time

like yeah i get really upset sometimes but when i had discord??? WHY WAS I SO SUICIDAL?????

so the conclusion that ive come up with is that discord literally gave me mental illnesses and like. yeah that makes sense actually 😭😭

besides that ive been good besides the constant appearance of a wlw situationship in my life 😞😞

also dont if you ever noticed but i had a crush on your ex 💀💀 (tbf there were some EXTREMELY mixed signals imo) we’re not talking anymore tho

uhhh ive gotten new interests (house md my beloved <33 stupid fucking gay doctors) and read a terrifying amount of fanfiction (probably over 100 fics read the past 2 months not including the 100k+ one im reading rn???? dont bully me pls i know im chronically online 💔💔)

ive been trying to draw more as well but i suck ass at human anatomy and have ultimately decided to just draw animals for the rest of my life atp

also ive been playing the new pokemon tcg game and my entire coding class is literally obsessed with it 😭😭 (me flexing)

also been playing pokerogue!! its fun but i get unreasonably angry when my pokemon die 😭😭

ANYWAYS HOUSE MD!!!!!!!! medical malpractice show 10/10 would recommend watching‼️‼️ ive gotten so many spoilers because my short attention span cant handle more than two episodes a day and im stuck on season one 😭😭

WILSON!!!!!! my definitely gay husband who looks way too fondly at his best friend of ten years to be straight and has had three divorces (canon btw) exploding him with my mind 💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

still obsessed with birds as you might be able to tell 😭😭 blog name actually comes from a piece of art your ex gave to me (gatekeeping sorry) it said “the c in jc stands for crow” and i ran with it

thats u btw /j (thats an australasian swamphen chick also known as a pukeko chick!!! look them up theyre terrifying)

personally one of my favorite photos of them

anyways i still like hamilton and epic the musical surprisingly and i think i can almost recite the entirety of nonstop and the room where it happens (so impressive i know)

and retj my beloved and beloathed </33 so terribly detrimental for my health but im glad i went through that shit tbh

also crazy that its almost christmas??? its christmas eve wtf i forgot

im also working on a 3d animation project with some friends!!! its due sometime in february and im praying i get into nationals for the competition 🙏🙏 i have a backup if the animation fails horribly but my friends dont so!!!! gotta work hard so we all can go to florida and do some tomfoolery

thats about it i think???? unless you want to hear about my school life for whatever reason (im happy to yap about coding but dont ask me about anything else 😭😭)

hope you’ve been well dude!! :D

found this deep in my camera roll 😭😭

[baby-yaga]

long post where i talk about how annoying it is being a survivor of sexual abuse lol

not sure how common of a concept this is now but when i was growing up, there seemed to be this concept that sexual assault survivors in particular would be better off if we had died during our attacks. like the process of dealing with our traumas is so awful that we would be better off if we had been killed.

again, not sure how much this is a thought now. sometimes i see survivors in especially low spots saying they wish they had been killed, but i dont think someone suffering to the point of suicidal ideation is the same as, what i perceived to be, a [usa] society-wide agreement that sexual abuse and rape are too awful to ever have a life worth living ever again. i feel incredibly insulted by this now. again, not by other survivors expressing pain, but other people, whove never been through something like this, expressing that their life just wouldnt be worth living if they had been attacked.

this is the only life we can prove we have, and no one goes through it untouched by trauma and pain and death. sure, not everyone experiences sexual trauma, but why should this be any different than any other traumatic event? why should traumatic events period be considered a reason that someones life is no longer worth living? i think its a huge failing of society period that thats even a thought non-survivors could have. that quality of life is believed to be and frequently is so low for survivors of trauma that people who havent been through this would rather die.

you can see this with other forms of trauma too, particularly with physical disability, especially if it was caused by an accident. maybe such a breach of bodily integrity is just too awful for most people to conceive of.

but bodies change all the time. we get older, we get scars, we get rashes and random bruises that we dont know the origin of, we develop new allergies and lose old ones, our eyesight changes with age, as do our other senses, we develop new appreciations for tastes we hated when we were younger, our teeth discolor from coffee or smoking or tea!

part of life is just learning to accept changes as they come. survivors of assault and car accidents can have amazing quality of life--IF THEY ARE GIVEN SUPPORT. denial of support is the thing that makes our lives actually worse long term. i wish that we had what we need. i wish survivors of sexual assault could come forward and receive actual material support, money, stable housing, medical care, mental health care, things that we need to be independent and safe. things that make us safer than being interrogated by police for a crime that was committed AGAINST US! only for the perpetrator to not get charged, receive no jail time [because carceral punishment DOESNT WORK and only exists to exploit labor, not to protect the victims of crimes], and get no therapy or social worker or anything that could potentially keep them from assaulting someone else.

something ive been joking about recently is the worst thing about being a victim of sex trafficking and csam is the labor exploitation. like im a very fortunate broke in that i dont need to pay rent but i also dont think illl ever be able to really be financially stable enough to have my own home, when who-knows-how-much money was made off of my body when i was just a child. as insane as it might sound, i want the money that was made off of me! justice cannot ever be served for what was done to me. what was done cant be fixed, and what was taken is irreplaceable. but i know there was real money exchanged, and it would be a good start.

my honest assumption is that csa is way more common than is reported, because ive spoken to many fellow survivors that never reported what happened to them, including me! i think any of us should be able to walk into a police station and demand infinite money lol

[its-koili]

hey guys. sorry for being gone for so long. heres an update

(tw for: mention of violence / gore, general distress, mental health issues)

(tw below)

.

basically i had a huge mental health crisis. i was having 24/7 constant rolling panic attacks from may of 2023 to january of this year. my last big meltdown was in early february. been processing a lot of CSA trauma and some recent trauma that ive gone through. i think i talked about my panic attacks before leaving social media but idk i dont remember. isolated myself from absolutely everybody.

the main thing that made me leave was that while i was keeping up to date on the g3n0c1d3 (censoring bc idk how tumblr is about it), and when i was looking in the replies / related of the awareness videos, i came across 4 accounts dedicated to using gore for clicks / shock. not videos of the g3n0c1d3 (thank god bc of how they were using the vids) but of unfortunate every day situations and cam footage. like, the kind of stuff you could see on liveleak back in 2010. just out in the open on twitter. they all had usernames like "(insert number here) ways to die)". they were all content farms for click/ad revenue. it was too much it was a huge trigger and i had a full on meltdown. the bluecheck ppl on twitter were using the replies of the videos people uploaded for raising awareness to upload mindless g0re for money. the fact that peoople have 0 compassion for human life sent me into a spiral that i couldnt get out of. (i reported 3 out of the 4 accounts i was able to and 3 got taken down but 1 is still up and it odesnt seem to be uploading the hardcore g0r3 anymore. so thats good. but that was one of the reasons i left social media. ive been keeping up to date w the news but thats it. i left my socials entirely and ive only been on my phone to look up recipes or to use my computer for media research groceries and gaming and shows

that was the main thing that pushed me to leave. i just couldnt take it anymore. during the start of my crisis last year, i was planning on taking a small break, but all of that pushed me over the edge and i dropped everything. after that, my issues got worse and i dont remember most of it. thankfully. but i couldnt bring myself to talk to anybody. i isolated myself and just. laid in bed. but im doing better so i guess thats good

on another topic ive beeen nervous to post this on main but during all of this (ive talked abt tihs a little bit on my priv before i left) i found out that im a system a long while back. my dad (one of my abusers) had/has DID and it terrified me to think that i could be anything like him. i also knew cereal abuser who pretended to be a system to get away with stuff/abusing their friends (and then years later admitted that they werent a system and siad that systems are fake.) LOTS of tears. lots of crying over this. was in denial for a few weeks. cried some more. then eventually came to terms with it.

i dont want to post abt my system online too much bc i dont want to act like this is some fun trendy thing bc its not. it makes day to day living very hard (some lighter/funnier issues that make it hard are: arguing with an alter bc YOU dont know where THEY put YOUR MEDS, not being able to cook because one alter can and the other cant, your art style not being consistent because their styles are different). i dont want to really make it a massive part of my identity online bc its not a big deal! theres just Multiple Little Guys in my brain. so. im a system! im the same but....this explains why i dont remember talking to certain people SUIDHUFHX. i always felt bad. makes conversing with online friends hard especially if icons/usernames are changed. ill make a separate post about this someday thatll go into detail a bit more.

i went years thinking it was just "kinning" but it wasnt lol. it turns out that your personality completely shifting, tastes in food / music / art / media changing, the way you walk / talk dress changing, and having complete memory blackouts when you """"kin shift"""" isn't normal. /lh (dw ive had a lot of time to come to terms with this)

but basically right now ive been spending time getting to,,know myself?? iive been using simplyplural for myself for several months and im uncovering a lot of my memories / trauma ect bc alters can write down what they need to in the chat. so i can go back later and read it. its been v helpful!

i will not be coming back just yet. i have no interest in using social media rn or drawing or writing unfortunately. ive been working on my original stuff here and there but i havent been drawaing fandom stuff bc im not hyperfixating on a fandom.

also. some things have come up. im not going to say anything until the party in question is stable/safe/comfortable before i even suggest anything for context (i dont plan on talking abt anything at all unless they start talking publicly). right now i am helping someone through abuse. their wellbeing is my #1 concern. i'll think about other things after im sure theyre okay.

i dont really have any resolutions as to how things are going but i do feel better and im not having as many panic attacks. i dont really know where im going with this now sorry. just trying to brush over the basic topics before i go. idk if anybody remembers me bc ive been gone for so long so idk if im just talking into the wind but if i am thats fine honestly this is helping me reorganize my thoughts (i type these vents out a lot on docs so i probably wont remember posting this hiudhvu)

other than that. i dont draw or write anymore. i think in the past 6 months ive drawn like....5 things. its. weird. im completely disconnected from fandoms now. coming up to a full year of not having a hyperfixation at all.

my bday was on the 6th. im 27 now im very old (everybody forgot it asides from my husband (and the people he reminded) n my abuser). ive been trying to cook and bake more and ive been playing video games again. planning on getting back into drawing soon and working on my original stuff. when i come back im planning on redesigning my profiles and updating my social media bios and stuff bc theyre so old. also ill make a section on my carrd for my system. there you go theres some positivity to the update nxfjdfjh. sorry if i dont seem very enthused im very tired so typing has been a chore hfuidshuifv.

sorry that this was a lot or if it seems disjointed i was trying to put down as much into this as possible without making it too long

bye!!! see u all soon!

[watashime-ciel]

explaining the reason why some songs were added to some of my RH playlists because i cant just drop that and not elaborate and i have nothing better to do

i believe the title cannot be clearer than that so. yeah

when i quote a lyrics from the song instead of explaining thats because its a piece of lore im not ready to share because its too personal, too explicit, too sad, or i simply dont want to. this can make you think whats going on with the goofy goobers and make your own headcanons or scenarios. maybe. idk. still, huge TW for lyrics touching mental health generally, su1cide, s/h, EDs and s3xual themes

and ocean o'connor rosenberg

STARTING WITH DJ YELLOW because i always follow the same pattern when i talk of rhythm heaven

RAT A TAT WRITER by FAKE TYPE.: one of his favourite electro swing songs, which he forced Red to make a cover of

Valentino by Olly Alexander: "i should've known not to trust Valentino."

Wanna Be Someone by Telehope: a comfort song for his grey days

Toon Bangers by FAKE TYPE.: his first feminine cosplay was DEMONDICE in Toon Bangers, debuting with Connie and Red in a big convention. they performed that song so it has a special place in his heart

Born This Way by Lady Gaga: guess. just guess. because yellow is the straightest person i know /j

Happy Pills by Weathers: "the voices in my right brain are kinda funny. they tell me, take a deep breath. it's always sunny." piece of lore i'm not ready to share, but maybe dj yellow isn't that happy after all

Help! Oh, Well... by I'm Something Else YT: literally the song explains everything. and yes he needs help /hsrs

Poison by Blake Roman: "what's the worst part of this Hell? I can only blame myself", "wish I had something to live for tomorrow"

Empty by Jaiden Animations and BoyInABand: "but it's so overwhelming and i hope no one can tell, cuz the numbers keep decreasing, this ordeal is becoming routine. check; arms, back, neck, thighs. suck it in and pinch my sides. the scales are betraying me, the mirror is a lie! numbers. it all comes down to numbers. i know it's wrong, but just because you know you're colourblind it doesn't means you can't see the colours. fine! i admit i'm addicted! but the hunger feels good, how do i quit this?! i know i could die, i've seen the statistics! but the voices are with me through thick and thin..."

Noel's Lament from Ride The Cyclone: Yellow is like Noel fr and he quotes "GOD DAMMIT WOULD YOU KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS FOR JUST A SECOND YOU HORRIBLE SUCCUBUS!?" everyday

MEGANE by UltraNoob: ...he's a completely different person when he uses his glasses. way different.

Trapped In A Dream by RudyWade: the amount of times he woke up from a dream INSIDE A DREAM is insane, feeling like alive is not something he is during those moments. and he always feels like hes going to be trapped forever, which he hates because "the feeling of not being alive is not like not being alive, that's terrifying..". quote, "the clock is ticking, time's running out. i need to wake up, i need to shout. i need to find my way back to life. [...] wake me up, set me free from this dreaming misery. i need to feel alive again!"

Lagtrain by 稲葉曇: the whole song is one he finds the most melancholic of all. he usually hears Mako sing it, and he just breaks down to tears because its so magestic yet so sad and entertaining and melodic and-

Girls by MARINA: "look like a girl, but i think like a guy. not lady like to behave like a slime.", "is there any possibility you'll quit gossiping about me to hide your insecurities? all you say is blah, blah. girls, they never befriend me cuz i fall asleep when they speak of all the calories they eat! all they say is nanananana."

Magical Doctor by MARETU: literally the heaviest song he uses to vent emotionally. like- he screams along

I/Me/Myself by Will Wood: "i wish i could be a girl! and, really, i'd prefer it if you used 'i/me/myself'. am i pretty enough? am i pretty enough to fucking die!?"

bonus: cardigan by Taylor Swift. "you drew stars around my scars". this is something Blue voluntarely offered Yellow to do as a way of comfort and help with urges, also adding the rainbow breathing technique

the end. probably as i add more i will add more to this explanation list in a separate post

BLUE🗣️🗣️

Descartable by Tronic: a song he animated fully of him and all his friends (and yellow). it was the first time he got out his comfort zone

Space Age Bachelor Man from Ride The Cyclone: his ocs and Ricky are very much the same in terms of... lore. but not Ricky's lore. i mean the space Jesus lore. if you watched the musical you know what i mean

Tiempo by Darkar Alatriz (Vete A La Versh): this song hits me way too personally, as i always dedicate it to my deceased pet dog. i really cant get into much detail without hearing the lyrics in my head and thinking of her, but i dont want to keep this song out and act like its not there. i can only say Blue also lost something important to him at an age he considers young. but it wasnt a pet, but two people that are important for a young person whos still growing up

At Atelier by FAKE TYPE.: he sticks to the idea of "imagination has no limits" really well like Miss Atelier, always working hard to improve and finding inspiration everywhere

Candy by Paolo Nutini: okay. i cant act like this story didnt happen. at some point, Blue proposes to Yellow, and he obviously accepts. Candy was playing during Yellow's entrance. but this story happens in the future. waaaaay into the future... but

Cendrillon 10th Anniversary by DiosP: this is the song that replaced the classic waltz music. this song was also Blue and Yellow's debut in a cosplay contest as Cendrillon Miku and Cendrillon KAITO, winning on best performance btw

Alguien Como Tú by Jósean Log: this song is in Spanish, but its about a man in love with a woman. the woman either doesnt knows or doesnt feels the same for him, so he sings asking if she knows someone else with certain qualities she has, saying that if he cant be with her he wants to be with someone like her. during the years where Blue wanted to confess to Yellow but he was scared, he felt very much like this

Keep This To Myself by Casper Caan: the calm and melancholic tune of the song plus the chorus makes him think of the times he repressed his own feelings to help Yellow, as he is the one thats in danger almost everytime, not Blue. "Cuz I have a plan you don't know; i'll keep this to myself"

No Llora by El Cuarteto De Nos: i invite you to translate the lyrics to understand better. this is another song that hits me way too personally so i cant drop the lore. but have this in mind: Blue represses his own feelings so much that he can be a bit emotionless from the outside. now its because he wants to focus on Yellow's health first, but back in the day, he used to do it to prove himself he is strong enough to not cry for everything. although he would go back home and cry on Ann Gler's shoulder (Ann Gler took take of him during his childhood). thats all i can say. i cant quote anything because it burns

J.J

although many of those songs are what he plays on the guitar or sings, there are a few that go beyond that

Get Out The Way by Mother Mother: "i'm not antisocial, i'm just tired of the people. and i'm fine while rolling solo, so get out."

I Can't Handle Change by ROAR: "nothing i do is ever good. nothing i do is ever good enough. nothing i do is ever good. [...] leave me alone, leave me alone..." "i can't help but redeem myself, i know it's not your fault. still, lately i begin to shake for no reason at all."

all Megamasso songs: part of his lore, where he played in the Rhythm Heaven equivalent of Megamasso (Leo [Watashime Slug]'s band before WataSlug) as the second guitar

Christmas Kids by ROAR: "you'll change your name and change your mind, and leave this fucked up place behind, but i'll know, i'll know..." "if you ever try to leave me, i'll find you, Ronnie."

Wrecking Ball by Mother Mother: "you gotta see the artistry in tearing the place apart with me, baby. i am unruly in the stands. i am a rock on top of the sand. i am a fist amidst the hands, and i break it just because i can. let's break it just because we can! deface it just because we can! let's break it just because!... just because.... just because, just because..."

Do You Think About Me?: surprisingly, his mental health improved the instant he befriended Cecil, and got even better when they started dating. although, at some point, he got to a downfall. he becane a clingy person towards Cecil, always anxious if Cecil is being honest or not. in the end, they are the only shoulder he can cry on. "there's a fairytale in our song, it brought us together, gave us a new start. i was lost, falling apart. you gave me a spot somewhere in your heart... and act of God? a shooting star? you came from afar, with open arms... it was so dark, as cold as November almost over, i told ya..."

Cecil💥

What The World Needs from Ride The Cyclone: Ocean reminds them of their mother. she, in reality, was a very close minded, mean, homophobic and egocentric. if you didn't do something as she wanted, then the world doesn't needs you. thankfully she changed, but she was a pain in the ass. like Ocean. nobody likes Ocean.

the majority of songs that sound childish, are from kids shows, etc etc, stick to their desire of never growing up and enjoy a happy childhood they really didn't have. i don't know if it's age regression, at least in Cecil's case (but it is for another goofy goober i'm not specifying), but they find the most comfort in a childish environment, ambiented with music

Body by Mother Mother: us genderqueer people have been in that existential crisis where we even question ourselves if we even exist. well, it got to Cecil really fast the moment they let their hair grow enough to look at themself in the mirror and scream in confussion. and somedays it got really bad that they just- well- read the lyrics-

Towards The Sun by Rihanna: no their favourite movie is not Home. its more of the melancholic tune that they like. it also helps them release more tears when crying becomes a hard task, and even need help with that

we fell in love in october by girl in red: J.J AND CECIL STARTED DATING IN OCTOBER. I REPEAT, J.J AND CECIL STARTED DA-

i wanna be your girlfriend: the day before Cecil confessed felt like that for them

Empty by Jaiden Animations and BoyInABand: they struggle to eat. simple as that. maybe it's the colour, the shape, the smell, the taste... they just struggle and need time to finish a few bites. they're in their way tho, trying new foods everyday with J.J's help. the song is not directly on their playlist, it's just like a character soundtrack, as much of the lyrics can be connected to Cez

Last Effect by last note.: berore playing the guitar, they played the violin, and this song is one they played last before switching completely to the guitar. coincidently, both violin and guitar are essential on that song

with this we conclude the goofy goobers songs that have a reason to be in the playlists i made. yes i know their stories are sad. no i dont regret anything. yes much of those headcanons were made for my own comfort. no i dont give a shit whatchu think🫂

im cold guys its like 7° outside thats too cold

anyways GOOD NEWS i got a job (yippee) so i will finally get money to buy that one compilation visual kei album with watashime slug's kyo x batsu japanese version omfg im- guys. guys its a dream come true

bye guys drink wotah plz dont get dehidrated

[mihai-florescu]

sorry if this is weird but. Honestly it feels good to see someone else who is having an absolute horrid dogshit time in college. Someone who just hates it as much as me. Everybody i know is enjoying it, studying something they like, meeting new people, taking hold of oppurtunities etc etc meanwhile college is genuinly making me want to die. Shit years of my life. So much grief so much feeling of wasted potential. And despite my best efforts to make something out of it the "most beautiful years of my life" have been just utter hell. So i guess thank you for complaining about college here all the time? Makes me feel a bit saner whenever i see it, like im not the only one in this bs

Im glad my haterism and piss poor mental health are something you (and others) like and can find comfort in. I struggle to sound genuine but i do mean it, it is reassuring to me as well that im not alone and im not just Built Wrong. Well i probably am, but that's ok.

I feel you a lot on the wasted potential and figuring out you dont really want to do in the future the thing that your classmates are here for. I think ive opened up before about my classmates and i seemingly being from 2 different planets, for multiple reasons, so thats also not motivating.

Finally in my last year im in a minor with other people and yesterday night i got asked how come i havent gone insane in my major. Well... i laughed it off and said i am doing performance art interacting with most of my classmates, but it Is lonely. To see there is a barrier (in my case for multiple reasons im not gonna get into rn) and then the friends you do make drop out or die. Um. Sorry you probably didnt want to hear this. Im not sure how much you have left (of uni, not life. There is life after uni, i promise. I think? I hope) but if you want to talk off anon, privately, im here