#i wanna talk to psychiatrist or someone about my anxiety

[fly-sky-high-09]

That's my secret cap' i'm always scared

[tiredsadpeach]

Update they both hate me because I told the child one of them was harassing the acc he could block to try and stop it

[go-learn-esperanto]

So.... waiting for my psychiatrist.... Let's see if I get an ADHD diagnosis. Although, considering the list of symptoms and the fact I fit like... A very good amount of them, with like the exception of drug use and driving accidents (because I'm disabled and can't drive, therefore I'm unable to have accidents) I think I have an idea of the probability of having it.

The problem is that Portuguese adult psychiatrists and psychologists aren't really trained to diagnosed neodivergency (either ADHS, Autism, and probably others) so like... If you're depressed is because you have depression. And only that. There's no real thought that maybe... There's something more going on. You have to find it yourself if you wanna talk to them about it.

That's so damn annoying you know? I know it's probably not their fault, at least not completely. Their school doesn't prepare them for it. And more - because I'm physically disabled they are more inclined to believe it actually has something to do with the disability (yes, that disability makes things more difficult but it isn't the disability that brings me sadness or anxiety). Oh, and I'm a woman. That also doesn't help.

I think someone should study diagnosis of mental illness in physically disabled people. We all know that women are most likely underdiagnosed but I wonder if that happens with physically disabled people too.

[schizopositivity]

(hey, this is a sort of vent/ask, so before i start talking i want to put trigger warnings in case anything i say below may make you uncomfortable)

(this ask deals with depressive talk, slight mentions of suicide and self-injury, doctors, medications, brief mention of a psychiatric hospital, and possible ableism [the ableism is not true, it is me asking if something is ableist]. if any of this makes you uncomfortable, please don’t read this, and im sorry for bothering you)

hello :] i hope that you’re doing well

this is a weird thing for me to talk about but i feel it would be best for me to talk about it with someone who has been diagnosed and get your input on it (if this conversation makes you uncomfortable please do not feel obligated to answer, and im so sorry if anything i say is offensive or disrespectful; this is never my intent, but i mess up a lot and don’t realize it’s offensive and im so sorry if i offend you in any way)

a few days ago i went to a monthly meeting with my new psychiatrist (for mdd, adhd, gad, self injury). she had asked me how i have been, and i told her that i feel incredibly low and suicidal thoughts are nearly consistent thoughts, as well as having a recent relapse in self injury that was over a month clean (which is good for me). i was also on adhd meds at the time and my focus declined horribly.

she (my psychiatrist) took me off of the adhd meds, so now im just on the antidepressant

yet, she recommended to my parents that, due to my intrusive thoughts becoming too loud and me fighting back the urge to harm constantly, i should continue my antidepressant, yet add to that a small dosage of an antipsychotic

i have never been diagnosed with any form of schizophrenia, psychosis, or something else that would fall under the umbrella for what an antipsychotic is used for.

i know that she is a psychiatrist and has proper training, and i know that she understands cases like mine (a few months back i was admitted to a psychiatric unit, voluntarily, and she has worked in that exact unit before). yet, i feel ableist in a way, if that makes any sense. as if im profiting off of a medication that used for diagnoses much stronger than those of my own, and that, as my psychiatrist has said, is to help “take the edge off”.

i have no say in this, and due to the recent relapse and also another mental incident, the medication has officially been prescribed and will be at my house either today or tomorrow; yet, am i ableist for taking an antipsychotic when i have never been diagnosed with anything related to psychosis, schizophrenia, or other delusion-affecting conditions?

(idk if this will help with anything, but the medication is risperidal)

this is really messy since im just really on edge yet i just wanna say again that if anything in this upsets you i am so sorry

if you read this far, thank you for listening to me. wishing you all the best

No need to apologize! I like genuine questions :)

It is not ableist at all to take a medication that's prescribed to you. They want you to take it because they think it will benefit you. You aren't doing anything wrong or offensive. You are just treating your symptoms with medication prescribed to you, you deserve to take it as much as anyone else.

Plus lots of nonpsychotic people take antipsychotics for reasons other than psychosis. It's been shown to be effective in people with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety and dementia. (I would link more info but all I can find are very lengthy and difficult to read medical essays, if you are interested you can search up "antipsychotics for anxiety" and they will pop up).

Part of my goal for this blog is to destigmatize anything to do with schizo-spec disorders, psychosis, and treatments for those things. So normalizing the use of antipsychotics in nonpsychotic people is part of that. It's likely that a lot more people than you think take antipsychotics for its various uses, and all of that is normal and should be talked about openly and free of stigma.

Also if you want follow up advice on how antipsychotics might impact you and the side effects and stuff you can reach out to me in DM or another ask and I can do my best to help (since I have been on that exact med before).

[multiplicity-positivity]

Hi there!

So coming up in June, we're starting therapy again and we wanna bring up our plurality with our therapist (since we didn't get a chance to in our past sessions since we've only recently discovered we're a system during our post-therapy break and we're still mostly closeted and only out to our psychiatrist and a few close people) but we were wondering if we could get some tips on how to come out to our therapist as a system? We struggle with severe anxiety so we sometimes have a hard time opening up to others, but we really want to open up to our therapist cause she's really cool and she's someone we trust. Thanks!

Hiya! I feel like we’ve talked about this before but we can’t find a post with the info, so! We’re gonna say it entirely depends on the manner of your system!

If you suspect you have a dissociative disorder or may be a trauma-formed system:

Um, maybe start by bringing up other symptoms of a dissociative disorder you experience. DID/OSDD are not just alter disorders, and they come with a host of other symptoms (depersonalization, derealization, identity confusion, trauma responses, amnesia, depression, anxiety, and more). Talking about these other symptoms first will help your plurality fit into the puzzle when you do bring it up to your therapist!

For example, before we knew we were a system, our host would say things in therapy like “I sometimes feel like I’m not in control of my body and don’t have agency in my life”/“Sometimes I can watch myself do things I wouldn’t do”/“I often feel disconnected or separated from myself and the world around me”/“I experience time jumps where I can’t remember what happened in the past” in addition to statements like “I don’t feel alone in my own mind.” Taking all that together, plus our trauma history which our therapist was somewhat aware of, made it easier for us to finally start talking about being a system in therapy!! >w<

If you suspect you’re not trauma-formed, or you played some role in consciously creating your system:

Maybe start by asking your therapist about plurality and what they know about it! You might ought to mention how you don’t have common symptoms of dissociative disorders, how you’re in therapy for other reasons, but you’re still not alone in your own head. Try coming from a perspective of “This is my experience. I am confident in my own experience and I know that (multiplicity/plurality/otherwise not being alone in your mind) is something I deal with daily.” This can help ensure your therapist that dismissing you will not only be unhelpful, but something you won’t take to heart.

It’s worth mentioning that we thought we were not trauma-formed before realizing we have DID! So if your therapist suggests attempting trauma work or taking a look at your early memories, it may be worth it to hear them out. You may not recover any memories or discover you were traumatized, but that could hopefully reaffirm your identity as a nontraumagenic system!

You may find that you are dismissed by your therapist, no matter how you bring up your system. If this happens, please don’t give up, on your system or therapy as a whole! Not all therapists are understanding about plurality, but many are! Our therapist, for example, is a specialist in treating childhood trauma/dissociation in adults. He sees many patients with dissociative disorders, and he firmly believes that plurality without DID/OSDD can and does happen! Not every therapist is closed minded, and there’s nothing wrong with “therapy shopping” to try and find a good fit! The best therapy comes with trust, communication, and mutual understanding… it sounds like y’all have this with your therapist though, so hopefully she’ll listen to y’all with an open mind! :33

We’ve been plugging our master post a lot (because it’s got a lot of resources!) but if you want a primer on different types of plurality so you’re more prepared to bring this up to your therapist, maybe check out some of the links in our resource post! >w<

We hope this helps somewhat!!

💚 Ralsei, 🐢 Kip, and 🌸 Margo

[nothingtasteasgoodasskinnyfeels]

controversial opinion (maybe)

i’m going to preface this by saying that this is my personal experience with medical professionals. recovery is great. happiness is a great. a healthy relationship with food and a balanced lifestyle is great.

eds are considered mental health disorders. it’s considered extremely detrimental to have your worth so intertwined with your weight that you refuse to feed your body the things it needs to survive. with that being said, doctors, physician or psychiatrist, don’t seem to care about its roots. when they treat you for an ed, their focus seems to be only on feeding you, and not on fixing the cause of your ed on a personal level.

it seems like any doctor i’ve come in to contact with couldn’t care less about how much gaining weight actually affects someone. last summer i went on SSRIs and gained TWENTY lbs in one summer. because of this, it resulted in my mental health declining more than ever before. sure it ever so slightly numbed the other feelings but it certainly made my body image worse.

for three years i had managed to maintain my weight. sure, i wanted to be skinnier, but the number on the scale didn’t go up. and once it did, it was over. it was almost comical. within maybe a week my clothes stopped fitting me. it was the worst think i’ve ever gone through. anyways, i expressed this to my psychiatrist, about how much this was affecting me, as well as other side effects, and she urged me to stay on these drugs that had effectively ruined my body and were starting to ruin my life.

it’s almost as if there is a hierarchy to the reasons you wanna kys or are depressed. if you have a traumatic past you’re at the top of the pyramid, but if you have an eating disorder you’re laughed at.

when i told her that this medication she put me on was making me want to die and ruining my self image and increasing my social anxiety, she told me to stay on it, simply because it was doing those things through weight gain.

excuse the ramble. i just wanted to say you’re valid. it does not matter why you feel the way you do, but what matters is that that is the way you feel. here if anyone wants to talk 🩷

[limeade-l3sbian]

I really need help with the whole morning paralysis thing. My psychiatrist keeps pushing anti anxiety meds on me but not only do they not work but they make me feel so like lethargic and numb.

I hate feeling like this. I waste 3 hours every morning just laying on my bed waiting for it to pass, people keep saying do yoga, move your body a little but like I can't???? I'm literally like paralyzed in bed, if I move my arm just to reach my phone I feel like there's pounds and pounds of heavy iron inside it.

I really wanna get better and I'm willing to do what it takes I just need to know what.

I'm not really a pro or anything so my advice is strictly based on what I personally do.

I think what helps me in these moments is both somewhat helpful but also uncomfortable. I ask myself what specifically I am anxious about. Because what I'm anxious about can vary at times or it can be the same reason. Either way, in situations where I HAVE to get up soon but can't move, I ask myself, "What am I afraid of today?"

Doesn't matter how big or small it is, it just matters that you address it.

What sticks out to me is that you say when you reach for your phone, it is like an extreme weight. But all this tells me is that you can move. It is laborious and feels like the most effort you've ever used, but it is possible. Because that feeling of "I can't move" is an unfortunate power of the brain. Good lord is that thing powerful. But it is possible! Your fear, the soundness of which is not being questioned, has literally debilitated you on a physical level so intense that you cannot move. But it has also deceived you into believing that you cannot do something you very much can.

I don't know the depth of your anxiety. I don't know the severity beyond this obvious hurdle. But something that helped me growing up with anxiety was facing the fact that something I was anxious about was going to happen. It's weird, but I used to get genuinely nervous about falling in front of people. I was scared to be perceived and when that perception came, it came with embarrassment of my clumsiness.

I grew up poor and always running out of time, it seems. Always on other people's schedules (parents, school, the bus, etc.). So to be honest, I was kind of forced to work through my anxiety because I couldn't afford not to. And this isn't saying anything about you. I'm saying this to say that my advice may sound so straightforward because I never really got the chance to ease out of it. But in a way, it really helped.

I don't want to lie and say "you're worried about nothing!" because honestly, the shit that keeps you frozen in place is likely very real. And I'm rambling a little so I'll say this: for the small things, you must know that they are just going to eventually happen. you are going to 'make a fool of yourself' in front of people, you are going to fall, you are going to drop something, you are going to misunderstand, you are going to make someone upset. these things are going to happen. and honestly, the more they do, the more you must tell yourself "i was okay the last time this happened. embarrassed but okay."

For bigger issues like fear of attack, impending financial issues, potential death of someone, etc..: All you can do is all you can do. Unfortunately, the world is kinda shit right now. And that's also important to remember! Are you unreasonably anxious, or are you responding to this current world around you the same way anyone would? You can only control your efforts. And this shit sounds generic as fuck but it's true.

I promise you, talking to yourself OUT LOUD about these things will hit you different. You might cry and you might even feel more anxious, but facing the things that are literally keeping you prisoner in your own body will not fix everything, but will help you start to reclaim yourself.

[littleturtlefish]

Sigh 😔 at this point, I might as well just post my art classwork since I haven't been doing any art in my free time...

Not art-related at all but I've been (kinda) reading Komi-San Can't Communicate and I wanna post my thoughts on it since I like it (I do have some personal complaints though) but I have absolutely no way to put these thoughts out aside from here ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Somewhat related but have you seen how weird some Komi-San fans are??????? Knowing the genre and all, I shouldn't be surprised, but still...i wouldnt want to share my thoughts with some fans either way

Forewarning, literally the only manga I was ever fully invested in was Mob Psycho 100 and I haven't even touched the Komi-San anime. It's also been a while since I reread the entire manga so my memory may suck, my apologies. There will be many paragraphs, my double apologies.

[SPOILERS FOR EVERYTHING UP TO CHAPTER 412]

Overall, I think the manga is really cute. I don't read manga that much but I'd still say that it very much fits the slice-of-life genre well. Maybe too well 🙂 but I'll talk about that later. It's a great manga to read for fluff and just to have a good time.

Side-note: I'll be talking about the one-shot for a bit and when I say "current" Komi, I really just mean Komi throughout her 2nd/3rd year.

First things first, I absolutely fell in love with the concept and the one-shot (...first chapter?). The idea of a character with crippling social anxiety slowly coming out of their shell with the help and support of others? Fantastic :D And jeez, the art style change is REALLY obvious once you look at the one-shot. Honestly, I really wish the entire manga kept it u_u the dead-inside eyes Komi had actually showed why everyone was so scared of her. Her cute-ified/chibi look isn't as intimidating and only shows that people were scared just because she kept staring at them (which is fair lol, but her original look makes more sense). Tadano, though... I would prefer his current look compared to his old one LOL. Style aside, I'm gonna talk about this specific little thing that truly made me binge this manga: the diner and hospital talk. Technically two scenes but they share one thing and that is that Tadana and Komi sit facing AWAY from each other. I don't think I ever really struggled with social anxiety but when I was younger, I had a very hard time talking to people while making eye contact. I know chronlogically that the hospital talk is before the diner one but as a reader (since diner scene is shown first), seeing that issue be addressed without it ever being directly brought up was just...really sweet. I understood it right away. Hell, even when it was noticed and brought up in the hospital talk, Tadano was such a caring person to suggest the idea of facing away from one another i straight up wouldve cried if someone did that for me irl moreonmylovefortadanolater— One-shot Komi is also pretty interesting because she actually IS able to talk, she just varies between saying very little to saying a lot. I'm no psychiatrist but personally, I felt that could've been more relatable BUT that's not a complaint because the manga isn't obligated to accurately portray every single thing about the disorder (especially since it's clear that this manga is focusing on being lighthearted so of course it won't necessarily go into the very heavy stuff). I find current Komi's trait of using a notebook to speak much more interesting but I was shocked on the relateability of one-shot Komi, haha.

Okay, now for the actual manga. I'll admit, I don't really have much to say in the beginning portion purely because I don't really remember much 🙃 The chalkboard scene was really cute but I'll just be saying that for any scene with Komi and Tadano alone, tbh. Komi and her reactions in social situations are mood as always. Tadano was a KIND, CARING, and LOVING lil guy and all he got was death threats smh. Yamai.

She's part of a bigger issue.

In general, I love seeing Komi and Tadano together. Together relationship-wise and also just simply interacting with each other. Their relationship is SO adorable and I always reread their pining moments :ↄ I understand the dislike for the trope of an extraordinary woman falling in love with Some Guy™ but I like it here because while Tadano truly is Some Guy™, he's a genuinely nice person and not even just basic-human-decency nice; he goes out of his way for people. He also sees Komi as a friend before all else, too. Like, yes, he finds her attractive and, yes, she is literally his girlfriend now, but they still share a lot of platonic moments together and just act like a couple of besties ✨

Manbagi is also a main character I can't help but adore. I found it fascinating that the love triangle, while still a competition, was lighthearted and friendly. I've personally never seen one portrayed like that so I'm really impressed! The love triangle showcased Komi and Manbagi's friendship so much that, despite not being a fan of OT3s, I genuinely just wanted both of them to date Tadano lmao and I truly believed that it would've worked out!!! I still do; all three of those characters have chemistry with each other! Anyway, love triangle arc aside, I'm happy that she's at least getting her happy ending with that one dude :)

Speaking of that dude, the side characters are cool. My favorites are Hiki and Komitani. I like the name puns and some side stories are pretty sweet (like with Hiki's). I forgor their names but surprisingly, I liked those two bitchy girls who "bullied" Komi (quotes because it wasn't that serious). How they acted towards Komi and the reasons why they acted that way (AKA their assumptions about Komi doing it for attention or whatnot) was a nice change from the standard character reaction towards Komi. Yeah, they were still dicks and I especially didn't like how everyone quickly forgave that one tsun (?) girl, but they were a refreshing deviation from status quo. Those good examples aside, there...are a lot of side stories to the point I get tired of them :U I mean, I assume that's just a genre thing because I have read other slice-of-life manga before but would drop them because the side stories were too much >.> Clearly, I didn't really drop this manga since I'm talking about it but 400+ chapters feels like a lot to me (especially when a good portion of those chapters are side stories) and it's still ongoing, which I typically wouldn't even touch since I like endings to a story :u It feels like trudging through mud sometimes but I gotta get through it or I won't see my favs Komi and Tadano ✊😔 The side stories really would've been a dealbreaker if not for those two.

Ah, and finally: sexual fanservice. God, I hate it so much. Both, in the manga and in general. I hate how it's prevalent in so much media, I hate how it is used as a tool to attract audiences, and I hate how it works in attracting those audiences. Yes, the manga has many, many instances of sexual fanservice but I've just accepted that I can never escape it. Yamai and her sexual harassment. Close-up shots of teenage chests. Hiki being a literal middle schooler at one point. Almost every character's sexualization of Komi, no matter their age. All make me disappointed, but not surprised. You gotta make money somehow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I am surprised that Tadano and Komi's relationship isn't sexualized all that much. Maybe I missed some things but the only sexual things I can recall are the "Tadano unlocked a new fetish" moments (which happens only twice? Thrice?) and other characters asking/teasing on how far they've gone. I like that. It makes their relationship very wholesome and also reinforces the fact that Tadano sees Komi as an actual person.

Kinda related to fanservice but I very much dislike the current art style. Y'know that meme of anime girls being compared to pugs? That's exactly what happened to Komi's face. Why is it so scrunched up??? To be fair, this applies to every character so I guess there's consistency... Her sharp edges in her hair are kinda jarring, though, because she has these really detailed eyes but her face is small and her hair, although detailed, is a geometric shape and all of these factors do not look good together. I'm fine with Tadano's design because it gives him personality, which...may or may not be a good thing, character-wise? Like, yeah, he's supposed to be some normal guy and all, which his original design perfectly portrays that bUT ITS SO BORINGGG. I like his sharp edges! It's better on him since he isn't as detailed as Komi. Anyway, I say this is related to fanservice because, while yes, this art style is much easier to draw with than with the old style, Komi's prominent eyes and tiny face surely must've been influenced by some other factor other than time management :U but that's just my theory. Final note: this art style kinda ruined the Tadano confession scene for me a bit because the close-up of Komi's face was...not good, imo.

One last thing: YAY THEY KISSED!!!!!11!°!! When I stopped reading, I stopped at the end of the Kawai arc since I do not like being left on cliffhangers and there were only some chapters left at the time. I heard about the kiss scene at Chapter 411 and so, I only read the chapters that led up to that scene instead of picking up where I last was 🙃 I have some thoughts. Why is Kawai trying to insert herself into Komi and Tadano's relationship. Why is Kawai's family weird. Why...is Kawai even here lmao. Komi and Tadano are adorable, though <3

My final thoughts are that it very much is a slice-of-life manga. Nothing revolutionary, I think, but that's fine! Watching the relationship grow between Tadano and Komi was the main thing for me and now that they're officially together, I'll admit, I'm not all that interested in the story anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I know the main goal of the story is for Komi to overcome her social anxiety and make 100 friends and I do like the development of that goal, but...eh... I remember seeing a comment in the subreddit mention that they wish the goal was changed so that the quality of friendships mattered over quantity and I agree. The manga does emphasize that Komi has made meaningful connections with some of the friends she made (Tadano, Manbagi, Kawai...I assume? Didn't read LMAO) but that's the thing: it's only some friends. Her other friends are side characters that have their own side stories which may or may not be boring. They're not as fleshed out as Tadano or Manbagi nor do they share the same impact. Sure, a mean character may push Komi to stand up for herself once or twice but there's no revolutionary moment within Komi compared to her moments with Tadano or Manbagi. To be fair, those small moments with side characters do build up for Komi but my point still stands that Komi has friends that are much closer than the rest. Because of that, I just feel like Komi already reached her goal 🤷‍♀️ She has Tadano, her #1 support system and friend, along with other friends that played a role in her development. She doesn't really need more friends, since the friends she has now are already caring and considerate. She was able to form deep relationships despite her communication disorder; I feel like that's a great ending. And I know, ending a story when the main couple gets together is cliche and there'd be no kiss scene if that did happen but I'm just saying!!

oh and komi's parents' lil side story was adorable

[pkmnnovareset]

this has been plaguing my thoughts for a while now so here you go:

Daniel 9001% without a question of a doubt, has general anxiety with depression and he may or may not also have avoidant personality disorder.

He got diagnosed pretty early on in his life (mostly for GAD) and it was actually around the same time it was confirmed that he has dyslexia. Paul and Dawn were informed of the dyslexia bit but didn't realize about the GAD until they talked to a professional about it. (Dawn and Paul have been amazing with how they approached this and read up so much about it bc they wanna help their darling precious bby boi)

Daniel does take meds for his anxiety and did go to see a psychiatrist for that extra help--back before he left on his epic Pokemon adventure with his older sister and her friends though. Since being on the road, he's only had the meds but he does remember to do some of the cognitive behavioural therapy he learned from his sessions.

The anxiety WITH depression tho came during the Pokemon journey

But Daniel nor his sister or parents really have any confirmation that he has avoidant personality disorder, but Daniel has read up about it (and Chloe too because she likes to do her best to help her buddies so being well informed was the way to go) and went

"oh... maybe... maybe i have this too?"

Sort of hard trying to find a doctor and set up an appointment in order to get a confirmation on that while constantly on the move (especially ones that don't dismiss him and his concerns). So Daniel sort of just left the possibility of having avpd alone. He'll deal with that later because thinking about it was Too Stressful(TM) and this Pokemon journey was already stressful enough like--

hello?????? pokemon can die if they ain't careful?????????? he doesn't want to lose his team?????? he'd cry if that ever happened????????????? oh no he's stressing about it already and is crying now?????? someone give this cinnamon boi a hug?????????

(nuzlockes amirite lol)

[impmansloot]

Getting to Know You Meme

thanks for tagging @russenoire !!

01) are you currently in a serious relationship? nope! also a "serious relationship" is different for everyone!

02) what was your dream growing up? i remember really wanting to be a writer in middle school, other than that don't remember except for maybe being a vet like every other little kid because you know, working with the animals

03) what talent do you wish you had? i don't know if it's a talent but falling asleep easily and not being disturbed by sounds and light a lot... being able to do two different things with different hands properly with my brain not being confused af

04) if someone bought you a drink what would it be? usually i don't like drinking but i do enjoy craft beers sometimes so that'd be it?

05) favorite vegetable? too many of them, let's say tomatoes for now

06) what was the last book you read? the last one i think was I, Tituba: Black Witch of Salem by Maryse Condé, right now I'm (finally) reading The Masked Empire by Trick Weekes, a book for Dragon Age series

07) what zodiac sign are you? leo

08) any tattoos and/or piercings? i recently got my earlobes pierced, no tattoes

09) worst habit? maybe not the worst but biting skin around my fingernails

10) what is your favorite sport? running. i also like playing volleyball, badminton, and table tennis but I RARELY have the opportunities to play them. I only played badminton relatively recently cause my friends had rackets and the flying thingie. i don't watch sports usually though only competitive tetris

11) do you have a pessimistic or optimistic attitude? i'm usually optimistic (for my own mental health's sake) unless i'm like, spiraling. it doesn't prevent anxiety though.

12) tell me one weird fact about you. i'm afraid of angelica plant, idk why

13) do you have any pets? i don't own any pets but yeah, a cat

14) do you think clowns are cute or scary? something worse.

15) if you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? i'd make my feet bigger, i want to wear chonky shoes

16) what color eyes do you have? gray?

17) ever been arrested? no

18) bottle or can soda? bottle but i like the feel (?) of can soda, it's just less practical to me though

19) if you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? i'd go to a therapist/psychiatrist + other doctors + maybe other quality of life stuff. i'd probably start saving up to move.

20) what's your favorite place to hang out at? my friend's house, one picnic spot where apple trees grow, the big supermarket closer to midnight... and home

21) do you believe in ghosts? a bit

22) favorite thing to do in your spare time? indulging in my interests/hobbies?.. playing video games, drawing. hanging out with friends is neat too, especially if it includes tabletop games

23) do you swear a lot? yeah

24) biggest pet peeve? hmmmmmm. logical fallacies in any sort of discourse? (i mean we're all at fault at some point). other than that too many, especially in writing and fandom culture

25) in one word, how would you describe yourself? softlocked

26) do you believe in/appreciate romance? yeah sure

27) favourite and least favourite food? favorites are sushi and kimbap, least favorite is chicken that is edible but not fresh, like day old, the flavor gets weird (at least that's what comes to mind first)

28) do you believe in god? in a personal way

29) what makes you happy: delicious food, free time when I don't need to worry about work, being able to talk to people, my blorbos

30) currently listening/the last thing you listened to: probably some song in Right Place, Wrong Person by RM

31) favorite place to spend time: wherever i feel at home and safe

32) favorite lyric: "I wanna be a human 'fore I do some art" (Yun, RM, Erykah Badu) and "Like morning comes after night goes, would summer come after spring goes, Like fruits ripen after flowers wither away, everything must suffer" (everythingoes, RM, translated by doolsetlyrics). That's a whole ass verse but really, I could include more. The whole song is about the fact that pain is inevitable but it's not eternal, it helped me through a lot.

33) recommend a film: unfortunately, i don't watch a lot of movies...

34) recommend a book: a book with a bit controversial name It's all in your head by Suzanne O'Sullivan. It's about (cases of) psychosomatic diseases, as well as stigma around them. As a person who's had several instances of those, I generally found it compassionate and educating

35) Recommend a band, a song, or album: I already mentioned Right Place, Wrong Person album (which is great), so I'll also recommend a band Shortparis, one of my favorite songs from them is Нелюбовь

36) recommend a TV show: Revolutionary Girl Utena, naturally... (reading a trigger warning list recommended)

37) where are you from, and do you still live there? Where have you lived? northwest of Russia. i mean yeah I'm still in that region, but I moved only once.

38) do you have any pets or animals in your life? how did you find/get them? again, a cat. it's my sister's, she was found near the railroad as a kitten

39) what's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? i don't think there's a thing i would consider unusual

40) how did you 'find' fandom? it just happens... some things stick with you and some don't no matter how good they are?

41) make a list of 5 things that you see without getting up. a pair of pants, a hanging cachepot, a rolled up yoga mat, a mirror, a short cup with two handles for the cat to drink from

42) how do you style your hair? i don't... i just blow-dry it and let it do its thing. i mean i get it cut

Any of my moots and oomfs feel free to participate too <3

[forestryfae]

anyways i really need someone to diagnose me cus this is ridicilous. im 25 and all i know is i have mood swings randomly and can be set off by the tiniest shit, i am constantly scared of relationships and literally cant trust people no matter how well i know them and i have long periods of just giving up cus nothing is worth it or fun and then when something IS enough or fun i literally cant get enough of it and WILL go i NEED more. and i obbsessively pick shit and decide that This Is Safe And Perfect and somehow i NEED it in my life or nothing will ever be okay and i might as well set my life on pause until i can achieve Perfection

but yeah. the inpatient im at is so work focused, despite being a PSYCHIATRIC institution, that they value work over therapy. i need therapy. i need therapists. i need something where we are BOTH working on my social and life skills and my mental health at the same time. like those three NEED to be in sync. i cant ONLY go to work for 5 hours a day then come home exhausted and have noone talk to me except for like. to ask about art group and to tell me i need to clean my room. and then at the same time have them not do any other follow ups, not help me with medication at all, not checking in on me, not doing therapy, not taking me to appointments theyve been informed of well ahead of time, not have regular treatment-related talks with me, not even inform me about treatments, and constantly tell me its all my responsibility to fix and figure out even though its. their job. i came here to learn how to be an independent adult and instead i wind fucking. being told "figure it out yourself" and "do this" with the expectation that i should just know automatically as if i was born with the knowledge of the whole world.

like. can i maybe get some fucking therapy? i NEED a psychologist. i NEED medication, maybe. i dont know. what i dont need is to be forced to work for a year with no follow up at all and noone doing their job to make sure my treatment is like. actually working. i shouldnt have to remind them that they need to do meetings with me and that we have stuff we need to work on, i shouldnt have to deal with asking people to remember me and notice me and having to feel like im nagging or not worth the effort.

so yeah. after almost a year of being here i have finally gotten a meeting with the ONE doctor we have here who can prescribe medication so we gotta figure that shit out i guess. hes very anti meds tho according to the other patients here, and frankly i can see it seeing as his first action was to just. tell me to go sit in the livingroom and talk to people cus its good for me. nothing else like buddy. i needed. help. and you wanna focus on me talking to people daily no matter how much anxiety i have?? thats. not treatment. wheres the cbt stuff. the fucking mental excercises. the regular talks. but yeah hes been on paternity leave since like a month or three after i got here and now hes only gonna come here every. 2 months i think it was. i get to talk to a doctor who may or may not be a psychiatrist about medication i may or may not get, who has had ZERO involvement in my treatment here, and who still hasnt sent me to a ears nose throat specialist even tho i requested it months ago. instead ive been prescribed medication with no actual examination at all.

but yeah i can either stay here or go home and i dont wanna go home so. might as well. stay here for a while. and hope that i can get the shit house sold so i can find an apartment and maybe like have a life eventually.

[kiwiiscool]

made the questionable choice of weaning off my SSRIs bc "they havent been working well" and i dont have anyone to prescribe them to me bc of insurance changes

they were definitely doing more than i thought they were. i went down to half my prescribed dose and my head has been a bad place. a lot of violent and distrubing intrusive thoughts came back, and i forgot how bad those were. ive also generally been hating life and hating myself for no particular reason. i am so tired.

im gonna talk to my primary care doctor (im going in soon) about getting referred to a psychiatrist or someone else who handles those meds. as much as i dont wanna be on meds, between the really bad anxiety and the ptsd i think i have to be to be a functional adult. i just think i need different meds than what im currently on (generic zoloft)

[toehwa6]

Wanna hear a fun story

So I had a peer support work with me because of a MH program I’m in.

She explained to me that she was a therapist previously and worked primarily with D/A patients.

Our talks mainly revolved around her telling me about her life, her partner, her interests. She asked me if I had ever heard of lil peep which made me laugh. She absolutely loved him and “his whole vibe”

My favorite part was learning about her perspective about the people she worked with. How hopeless they were but how they had some much potential at the same time.

Whenever anything difficult would pop up such as schizophrenia, it was all just something difficult, but not something that couldn’t be managed and overcome.

This ideology is not negative, however it is harmful in the way that it is a blanket idea that invalidates the individual suffering.

Whatever problem ya got, don’t worry, we’ll fix it. Even if you’re fucked forever and we know that. We just won’t tell you about that part.

Here is an example that applied to me.

I am a high functioning autistic person. On one of the few occasions I spoke about myself, I was speaking of the struggles I deal with being autistic.

Some of these being social anxiety, losing my shit over things that don’t matter, and not being able to understand what people mean a lot of the time.

She responded by saying, well, you’re doing a pretty good job talking to me right now!

And I replied, that is because I spent most of my time in high school reading books and watching YouTube videos on how to talk and hold conversations.

A small example of this is, I had to be taught that when someone asks, “how are you?” You should respond and say “fine what about you?”

Or when someone asks, “do you like this?” You should respond, “whatever, what do you think?”

These dumb simple conversation bits were things I just learned how to do by watching YouTube videos.

Anyway, I’m explaining all this to her, and I’m explaining that what I’m doing is masking.

And she stops me and goes, “you know, I think Austism is pretty cool. It’s kinda like a superpower, because you see the world in a way that no one else does!”

Like, yes, thank you bitch, but you’re making me feel like shit by saying all this negative shit I’m going through and you say, naw what you’re going through is actually really cool!

It’s kinda this blanket positivity that you can apply to anything that just ignores the actual issues and goes, no, just look at the bright side.

Saying things like this is how you make people not want to share. It made me feel like I wasn’t heard and that she didn’t get it.

I already didn’t want to talk to this bitch in the first place, but I was thrilled to hear her views on autism.

It’s just a situation of working with a professional that doesn’t have any lived experience. You can go your whole life studying things that you’ve never experienced. That’s okay, but there is going to be a disconnect unfortunately. (Not saying every psychiatrist should have fucking schizophrenia.)

But think of a therapist that gets the general idea of what depression is, and what you’re supposed to do with a depressed person. But they don’t know what a depressed person is feeling. They just “look” for symptoms.

Every depressed person, including myself, has said they just want to be listened to and validated.

This is why peer support is a thing.

I had a peer support who was actually a therapist with no lived experience, and that made us have a disconnect that ruined our relationship.

Plus at the fuckin end of our time together she was like, “I wanted to say goodbye because when I was working D/A I didn’t get to say goodbye to people because they all disappeared or died.”

Thank you lady. That is a very nice thing to say to a sick person. LOL

So I fuckin told my therapist about how weird it was and never saw her again.

Thanks for reading.

[gigglincactus]

Parents: Let us talk about your mental health

Me:

[rommahh]

{this show was off the walls. He looked so good. And the energy was just??}

You stood uncomfortably at your flights gate with Harry. After being with Harry for five shows, your anxiety had reached a peak leaving you to be faced with one of your worst panic attacks before the St. Louis show. Harry didn’t want you to feel so much mental pressure so he suggested that you go home, he even bought you a ticket without consulting with you.

Your shoulders were tense as you stood rigid next to Harry. You were beyond upset and sad. You felt like a burden who being sent away to make everyone else feel better.

“Love, it will be ok. I’ll see you in two weeks for the Nashville show.” Harry comments watching your face scrunch up withholding the tears. “I just want you to see your therapist for a few days.”

“I don’t wanna go. It was one panic attack. Ive done fine every other night and on the bus.” You huff not making eye contact with Harry. “You’re just sending me away.”

Harry feels his heart break in two. “That’s not-“

“We are now welcoming our first class passengers.” He was cut off by the attendant. You grab your duffle on the ground, opening your phone to the electronic ticket. You moved to get in the line but Harry was quick to grab your arm to stop you. You couldn’t stop the tears from welling in your eyes at the look of hurt on his face.

“You’re not even gonna say goodbye?” He whispers.

“Why should I? You said it for me when you purchased the ticket without even talking to me about it. I’ll call you when I land, I love you and goodbye.” You snatched your arm away, rushing to the slowly growing line of passengers.

Harry watched in defeat as you trudged onto the bridge that boarded onto the plane. You felt those traitorous tears push past the surface, your feet feeling like they were dragging behind you- wanting you to go back to your heart.

The entire flight home was painful. All hours spent on the flight looking lifelessly out of the window. Harry put you in first class but none of the comfortable perks could make you happy.

It was weird to walk back into your home with no one there walking in with you or even waiting for you. The house was dark and quiet and you felt scared to even be in the stupid beach side mansion all alone. Times like this made you regret moving in with Harry. This house only felt like home when he was there, any other time felt like your own personal solitary confinement.

Hey lovie, hope you’re flight went well. Having groceries delivered to the house for you. I love you and miss you. Xxx H.

You scoffed. That anger from before bubbling within you. He misses you? You left him on read, the pettiness easing the anger.

Harry’s eyebrows shot up at the small read notification under his sent message. He waited a few moments thinking maybe you just forgot to press send. Minutes turned to hours and hours turned into the next day.

You sat at the dining room table watching the waves eat up the sand and pull granules away at a time. Your laptop sat in front of you after you finished a telehealth therapy appointment. A ring sounded from the laptop signaling that someone was FaceTiming you.

Harry’s icon popped up in the corner of the screen. You hesitated before answering. You couldn’t bare to look at yourself in the camera knowing you looked a mess. Your eyes swollen from the sobbing during therapy. Harry thought you looked beautiful nonetheless.

“Good morning baby.” He broke the silence.

“Hi.” Was all you could muster. This wasn’t the two of you. You both would normally fill a space with sound and giggles and now it was just silence.

“How did you sleep?” He asks. He looked as disheveled as you. Hair messy, face red and puffy.

“Fine.” You didn’t look at him, playing with the frayed edges of your Live on Tour hoodie. Harry huffed in frustration.

“Is this how it will be from now on?” He snapped. Your head snapped up out of shock.

“You’re getting at me like somethings my fault!” You snapped back.

“Well, we didn’t leave on the right foot.”

“You sent me away!” You retaliate.

“No, I did not. You had a panic attack before I went on stage. I had to come on stage late because I was consoling you.”

You flinched at his comment and tone of voice.

“So it’s my fault? I can’t control the panic attacks. It wasn’t like I conjured one up for attention.” His lack of response broke you. “Really?”

“No, I don’t think you did it for attention but it’s a lot Y/N. I want to take you on tour with me but it’s a lot for me and you know it’s a lot for you.” He tries. His words hurt though. You’ve felt like a burden your entire life and to feel that way because of the love of your life hurts even more.

“Ok. Um, I have to go.” You choke out. Harry shakes his head, the weight of his words catching up with you.

“I didn’t mean it in that way. I love you and I only want to protect you.”

“Yeah, protect me by sending me away when things get tough. I’m sorry for being a burden Harry.” You hang up before he could get the last word in.

Harry sat on his hotel bed shocked. He doesn’t know how things escalated the way they did. He made her feel like a burden. His body racks with sobs as he thinks of how his love must be feeling.

The day of Harry’s Philly show you felt uneasy. You didn’t like not being with Harry. You got so used to your preshow rituals with him. It hurt to be left out after being so involved.

Harry felt the same way. His regret evident in the way that he couldn’t stop blowing up your phone with short apologies and messages. He woke up alone in the hotel room on the day of a show feeling like utter crap.

His stomach was in knots and his heart couldn’t stop pounding. Normally before a show you both would share a light meal and have small discussions about nothing. You both would take silly selfies together or watch tiktoks. But now it was just Harry.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, impulsively clicking your contact to face time.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up…” He mutters. He lets out a sigh of relief when your face reveals.

“Hi, Harry.” You murmur, your face squished into a pillow, his pillow because it smells good.

“Hi-hi baby.” He stutters fidgeting in his seat.

“What do you need?”

“I need you. You’re not a burden. I want you here, not there but here. I have a show in a few hours and all I can think about is how you’re not here with me.” He cries. You sit up in the bed, tearing up watching your boyfriend cry. His shoulders shook with the sobs that wracked through his chest.

“Harry, please breathe. Your gonna hurt yourself.” You try to calm him down but can tell it’s not working.

“Come back.” He whimpers.

“I-I think I’m going to stay home until Nashville. We both need a breather from each other and I know I need to see my psychiatrist and probably get some new anxiety medication. Which will take the two weeks to kick in you know?” You reason. Harry wiped his face of tears nodding understandingly.

“Ok. I miss you though. I fucked up horribly by making you feel less than. I know you’re not a burden and I’d do anything for you. The stress of tour is starting to weigh on me and I took it out in you when I shouldnt have. I also thought I was keeping you safe by sending you home, but I shouldn’t have done that. Because we are a team, I shouldn’t be making choices for you.”

“Thank you for apologizing. I understand why you did what you did. You were trying to protect me, I know. I love you Bubby.” Harry felt his world come back together at the nickname, a signal that you two would be alright. “You have a show in like three hours, you need to get ready. Eat some food, drink water please, and I’ll go and scroll through TikTok and send you all of my faves ok?”

“Ok. Thank you for being everything to me. I couldn’t do what I do today if I didn’t have you in my life.” Harry’s sincerity made your heart swell.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. We will be alright. Now go!” You urged him to hang up the phone. He gave you one last smile before hanging up.

Watching Harry through some Instagram live wasn’t what you had planned for but it felt good to see him. He even wore the outfit you picked out with Harry lambert, the blue and pink paying homage to fine line. You’re heart gushes when he tells the crowd that he’s feeling really happy.

The next day you have another therapy appointment with your regular therapist, you even phone in Harry to join the call. You felt warm on the inside as your therapist reassured that you and Harry’s relationship was on the right path. She even said that you and Harry were meant to be together.

She didn’t have to tell Harry that for him to already know that information. I mean he had the ring sitting in his pocket to prove it.

[randomshyperson]

Wanda Maximoff x Reader - Sorry for your lost - Part I “I will grieve”.

Serie Masterlist here || Part II|| Read on AO3 

Summary: When your wife Natasha passes away in a car accident, a part of you dies with her. It takes a few months of mourning for your psychiatrist thinks the best alternative is for you to join a grief group. And there you meet Wanda Maximoff, and learn to live again.

Warnings: (+16) mentions of death, panic attacks and anxiety, grief, self sabotage, mentions of abusive family background, mutual attraction, explicit consent, therapeutic conversations about death, self-deprecation, healthy methods of coping with grief, possible triggers about anxiety, hurtful behaviors, domestic wanda.

Chapter warnings: Heavy angst, death.

Author’s notes:  Hello readers! I'm finally back to posting something, but I disappeared for a good reason, I was writing three new series. And here is the first of them. I really enjoyed this work and it's something I've been trying to write since I watched WandaVision, and only now I've managed to put it into words. I am not finished yet, but there is only one chapter left, so your reading will not be affected. Pay attention to the warnings, and good reading!

Tag list (let me know if you wanna be tagged) 

@mionemymind​ / @abimess​ / @stephanieromanoff​ / @yourtaletotell​ / @tomy5girls​ / @justagaypanicking​ / @thegayw1tch​

//-//

Chapter One - I’ll grieve.

You wished you could go back to sleep as soon as you opened your eyes. The sound of your alarm buzzed loudly throughout the room, and after putting it on snooze mode at least four times, you finally got annoyed enough to grab it and throw it across the room. But the sound continued.

Letting out a grumble of dissatisfaction, you pushed the comforter off you, and sat up in your bed. Your room was a mess, but you just skipped through the clothes on the floor to reach the phone, turning off the alarm through the new crack you made in the screen.

"Honey, are you up?" you heard your mother's distant voice calling you through the door, probably from the living room or the kitchen. "Don't forget your therapy today."

You sighed impatiently, running your hands through your hair. The damn group therapy. 

Grumbling lightly, you forced yourself to take a shower, not wanting "poor hygiene" to end up on your progress report card. 

A while later, when you were finished, you went into the kitchen. Your mother was using her laptop on the counter, and just waved at you.

"Are you going to take me?" You asked her with your hands in your pockets. Your mother took her eyes off the screen to evaluate the sweatshirt you were wearing, and you rolled your eyes at her disapproving expression. 

"You know, you could try driv-"

"Mom" You cut her off in earnest, your heart racing momentarily. You don't drive. An she knows. Your mother sighs, putting her hands up in a sign of surrender.

"It was just a suggestion dear." She retorts as she stands up, reaching for her car key on the key rack exiting the kitchen. "But I'm busy with the store, you'll need to take the subway next time."

"Thanks for the support." You grumble as you step out in front and your mother lets out a wry chuckle.

You frown and let out a dissatisfied exclamation as you step outside feeling the sun's rays on your face.

"You're not a vampire, cut the drama." Mocks your mother by pushing you lightly to get you out of the way. 

You grumble  as you walk to the car. And when you are sitting on the seat, your mother is starting the vehicle and she asks:

"Are you sure you're not going to eat anything?"

Looking out the window, you just mumble that you're not hungry, and she shakes her head in disapproval before you back the car up. You don't speak any more on the way.

//-//

Your mother dropped you off in the parking lot of a gymnasium where the therapy group would be meeting. You sighed as you got out, and thanked her for the ride and the money she gave you to eat, even though you probably weren't going to use.

Resisting the urge to run away, you forced your feet to walk toward the place.

There were a few people at the door, but you didn't smile at any of them, entering the place with your head down and your hands in your pockets. 

And then a woman greeted you, and put a little sticker with your name on your shirt when you gave her your papers. 

Then she signaled the way you should go, and you ended up on the gymnasium court, where there was a wheel of chairs, and a table with food and drink, and several people scattered around, who you thought were part of your therapy group. 

Sighing impatiently you made your way to the bleachers of the venue, hoping to be alone until the session started and you could leave.

Fortunately it wasn't long before the leader signaled for everyone to sit in the circle, and you sighed as you stood up. You ended up with one of the chairs on the far left opposite the therapist, which could be bad since he would see you clearly.

"Thank you very much for coming." Said the therapist smiling gently as his gaze roved over everyone in the circle. You kept your gaze on your shoes. He made a noise with his throat. "Who would like to start today?"

The silence lasted for a few seconds, but then someone was speaking. You forced yourself to come back to reality and pay attention.

"[...] and this is my fourth week around here." Said a woman in a leather jacket. You noticed the army lanyard around her neck. She was talking about an accident when you got distracted again. Lightly poking your eye with your finger, you tried to focus again, letting out a low sigh. And then the therapist was talking again.

"We have new faces today." He said and you felt your heart speed up. You absolutely did not want to talk in front of strangers. "Why don't you share with us, miss?"

You raised your gaze to meet that of the therapist, smiling gently at you. The rest of the group looked at you as well. Taking a deep breath, you began to wiggle your fingers on your leg.

"I don't... I've never been in a group." You say clumsily. "What should I say?"

"Whatever you wish to say." He answers with a smile. You swallow the urge to tell him you didn't want to talk at all. Realizing your lack of response, he is quick to add. "Why don't you tell us why you are here?."

You let out a dry laugh. 

"I really didn't have much choice." You retort wryly. The therapist looks slightly surprised, but makes no mention of interrupting you. You let out a sigh before clarifying. "My psychiatrist, she...she didn't approve of my social ratings. She wanted me to talk to other people. People who... went through the same things I did." You count staring at the floor. When you look up again, the group still waits for you to continue, and you sigh, running your hands through your hair. "I haven't... I... I haven't talked to other people outside of my family in six months. Not since..."

You move your head, sniffling slightly as you straighten your posture. The therapist clears his throat.

"You just need to share whatever you are ready to tell us." He says gently, you nod slightly feeling extremely vulnerable. "But remember that this is a safe space. There is nothing to fear here."

And then he is talking about methods of easing the guilt, and dealing with the pain and you were distracted again. You would like to go back to bed. It must have taken a while, but the session is finally over.

The group dispersed around the room, and you went toward the therapist's desk to have him sign your schedule. He smiled as you approached.

"Miss Y/N/L, I was happy to hear that you would be joining us today." He said greeting you with a handshake. You nodded, taking the paper from your pocket. He chuckled, but accepted it. "You know, I'd like you to try to have a partner in the group, it's recommended for cases like yours."

"What do you mean cases like me?" You ask snidely, but he doesn't care.

"Doctor Harkness gave me your chart." He explained as he signed the paper you gave him while you frowned. "Extreme Social Anxiety in the first few months of treatment. Tendency to complete isolation, introverted..."

"Yeah I know my problems, buddy." You interrupt him with irritation. "You don't have to list them for me."

The therapist gives a lopsided chuckle, and holds out the signed paper to you. But he adds with a serious look:

"I'm here to help you, Y/N." He says. "Don't forget that."

You don't respond and take the paper, turning toward the exit. 

//-//

Your week passes slowly and tortuously. Which is surprising because you barely get out of bed. And then it is group therapy day again, and you are making a new crack at your cell phone screen.

Your mother greets you with a pat on the back as you enter the kitchen, and she is walking past you toward her own room.

You know you have to take the subway today, and you are trying not to think about it too much. As you are walking out the door, your eyes pass quickly over your car key, and you think you have a flash of memory, but you shake your head quickly, pushing the thought away. And then you walk forward.

And you are late for the session, because you can't take the bus to the station, since your feet simply didn't obey you. But that's okay, you don't really care.

You weren't the only one who was late. When you went to enter the door, a red-haired woman bumped into you, also running to get in. She smiled slightly as she apologized, and you just made room for her to enter first.

"Sorry Stephen." She said to the therapist as soon as you two entered the gymnasium, "I had an emergency with the kids."

The man just shook his head with a smile, and waved for you both to sit down.

"And why were you late today, miss Y/L/N?" He asked you. You shrugged your shoulders.

"I didn't wanna come." You retorted and the group giggled, and the sudden sound startled you slightly, but you just sat with your arms crossed. 

"Do you want to try again?" He retorted with light humor in his voice. And you bit the inside of your cheeks. And then you looked down at the floor.

"I couldn't get on the bus." You confessed next. Stephen looked at you tenderly, though, and you didn't like the feeling of your chest heaving slightly.

"And why do you think that happened?"

You shrugged, uncomfortable. 

"I don't know. I... There were too many people." You said embarrassed. And then you started twiddling your fingers, feeling all eyes on you. "I just... I knew I'd have to say hello to the driver, and the conductor. And then I would pass strangers in the hallway, and one of them would sit next to me. And I just... I couldn't."

Stephen nodded slightly in agreement.

"It's okay, Y/N. " He stated. "No one is judging you here."

You let out a dry laugh, and Stephen blinks in surprise, which spurs you to explode.

"Everyone is judging me, Doc." You say through gritted teeth, swinging your leg. "It's as if I can hear the gears in people's brains forming opinions about me." You state with a sigh. "Like my mother for example. She...she...acts like I'm past the time of mourning." You explain with tears in your eyes. "Like there's a limit, and I'm extending her goodwill. Because it's been six months, and she doesn't want me to be sad anymore. But guess what? I don't know how to move on!" You state angrily. "I can't! If I don't miss her, what's left for me? If I don't... God, I can't do this."

And you stand up, wiping your tears away, and walk out of the gymnasium, heading for the restrooms. You feel your heart racing, and it's hard to breathe. 

As you rest your hands on the sink, your brain starts to wander back to the day of the accident again. You choke, because it feels like you're sinking again. You see the water rising through the metal of the car. Your hands on the steering wheel, and then on the seat belt. You shake your head, pushing the images away, and rush to turn on the faucet in front of you and pour the water on your face.

You take a deep breath, trying to stop the tears. And then there is someone entering.

"Are you okay?" Stephen asks and you nod lightly, ignoring the trembling in your hands as you stare at him through the reflection of the mirror. "I gave a break to the group, wouldn't you like to walk with me?"

"I'm not good company right now." You grumble but he smiles, nodding slightly as if to repeat the invitation. You take a deep breath before turning around.

You walk silently and slowly to the outside of the gymnasium, and then he is speaking again.

"You were very brave today."  He comments, and you let out a dry laugh. "Why don't you believe me?"

"I panicked today." You say. " It doesn't sound very brave to me."

Stephen smiles guiding you through the gymnasium entrance toward the parking lot.

"You talked about a trauma to a group of people." He says. "That takes a lot of courage, even if you don't believe it."

"I don't believe in anything." You grumble, but Stephen doesn't mind your hostility. He stays with his friendly posture.

"I would like you to accept my request from before." He said after a moment. "About a group partner."

You let out a sigh.

"I don't even know what that means." You retort with slight impatience as you reach the edge of the parking lot. You notice the garden a few feet ahead of you.

"It's like a therapy buddy." He explains with a smile. "We encourage socializing here. That's why Agatha recommended this group to you."

"Oh, of course you do. Agatha is a bitch." You wryly wipe your hands across your face. Stephen laughs lightly. "How does that work anyway? Do I have to hold someone's hand? Exchange friendship bracelets?"

"No, it's much better." He says with a chuckle. "You talk to that person. You exchange experiences with them. You learn to trust somebody else again."

"My god, it looks like a fucking Disney movie." You retort with irritation and Stephen lets out a laugh. And then you let out a sigh, shrugging your shoulders. "Okay, I'll do it. I have nothing to lose, and it seems that neither you nor Agatha will leave me alone if I don't agree."

"We want you to feel better. Don't take this as a punishment." He says, guiding you back to the gym. You nod slightly, thinking that it really does feel like punishment anyway.

//-//

You see Agatha the same week. Your appointments have been switched to monthly meetings instead of weeks as they were at the beginning of treatment, and while you appreciate the familiarity of seeing her, you can't help but feel irritated with her.

"Someone's grumpy." She comments as soon as you sit down on the couch in the room, to which you roll your eyes.

"You are always so very tender, Agatha." You mock as you cross your legs, hoping the time will pass soon.

Agatha laughs lightly, finishing tidying up a few things on her desk. And then she gets up and sits down in the armchair a few feet in front of the sofa where you are, carrying a small notebook in her hands.

"So, why don't you tell me how your your first two sessions in group therapy went?"

You let out a dry laugh.

"Like Stephen didn't tell you everything." You sneer and Agatha just smiles, waiting for you to speak. You let out an impatient sigh, before stating wryly. "It was amazing, doc. It only took two sessions for me to have a panic attack, so thank you for that."

"Why do you think that happened?"

You squeezed your eyes.

"I have no idea." You retorted. "I'm not the doctor here." Agatha laughs lightly, and then opens her notebook and starts writing something. You sigh impatiently. “Really, you're going to start that again?”

"If you don't talk, I write." She states simply, and you roll your eyes, shifting on the couch uncomfortably.

"Agatha, I just... I couldn't get on a bus, okay?" you tell her, and she closes her notebook to look at you attentively. You take a deep breath. "There were a lot of people. I don't mind walking anyway. It helps me think."

"You don't mind walking eight blocks?" She asks with a slight irony. "That's pretty athletic of you."

"It's weird that you know my address off the top of your head." You play lightly, and she just laughs, straightening her posture. 

"Why don't you just tell me what you want to tell me?"

"Why don't you ask me what you want to ask?"

Agatha blinks slightly in surprise, and then she shakes her head slightly, opening her notebook again. You sigh.

"Okay, sorry." You say, and she looks at you for a moment before closing the object again. I... I thought I was drowning again.”

"Are your nightmares back?" She asks seriously, and you deny it with your head.

"I feel too anxious to sleep." You tell. "And then I black out from exhaustion in the night or in the morning. I don't dream anymore."

"Have you been taking your medication?"

You sigh.

"Of course I have."  You say. "I don't... I'm having trouble keeping my mind still. Like the first few months, you know. Everything seems so noisy now."

Agatha nods slightly, becoming thoughtful for a few moments. 

"I know it may sound strange to hear that, but that means you're getting better." She declares and you frown in surprise, then let out a dry laugh.

"How is my peak anxiety a good thing?"

She opens the book again, but before you can ask what you said wrong, she is reading.

"The first day you were here, you said you felt like you were empty." She narrated and you swallowed dryly. "During your first two months, you continued to describe that you felt like an empty shell. And that you no longer had any dreams, thoughts, or opinions. Without your wife, you said you were no longer here."

You felt your eyes fill with water at the mention of her. But you swallowed your emotions. Agatha turned a page, and read for a few seconds, and then looked at you.

"With your history of anxiety, your mind was remarkably quiet after the passing of your wife." She says. "But now that you're on medication, and therapeutic treatment, plus you're socializing even superficially with the world again, you're starting to feel things again. That's progress."

You look away from her, nodding slightly, trying to believe her words, and trying not to be so terrified at the thought of learning to live again. Without Nat.

You choke slightly, holding back a sob, and then Agatha hands you a box of tissues, but you refuse with a nod, wiping away the tears that have slightly escaped.

"What do you want to talk about now?" She asks after a moment. You take a deep breath, still trying to calm yourself.

"Last week I took a cold bath." You count. "It was snowing."

Agatha blinks in surprise at the information and then lets out a giggle.

"You want me to write it in the book don't you?"

You laugh, wiping away the last of the insistent tears. You just hope Agatha could help you.

//-//

You hate coffee. But you barely slept last night, and now you need to stay awake during the group meeting, so instead of walking to the chair in the corner like you used to, you detour your way to the food and beverage table as soon as you arrive at the gym.

There are a few members around, but you don't look at them, just sidestepping as you extend your arm to the coffee bottle. You pour some, and as you touch the cup, you notice. It's cold.

"Hey sorry about that." Said a girl you thought was named Val or something, as soon as she saw you touching the cup. "We mixed up the shifts yesterday and nobody made new coffee."

You rolled your eyes, picking up the cup and throwing it in the trash. Then you forced a wry smile on the girl and walked outside. 

It was cold, but you are boiling with rage. It was just a damn cup of coffee, you thought as you closed your eyes and tried to reduce your anger. Just coffee. 

You stumbled with fright when Stephen called out to you.

"We'll get started in a minute." He said looking at you curiously. You just nodded, following him after a few seconds.

You bit the inside of your cheek when you noticed the same coffee girl as before, now sitting where you usually sat. The universe was testing you today. 

You just sighed, twiddling your fingers inside your pocket, and walked over to one of the free chairs.

After Stephen gave the briefing, he asked if everyone was all right, and the group lied in unison. You were almost asleep when he called your name.

"I would like to choose your partner today." He says and you feel your heart racing as you straighten your posture. "But I want to know if you have any preferences."

You blink in confusion, and roll your eyes.

"I don't know anyone here, but I'm sure they will all hate me equally, doc." You tried to joke, but Stephen only looked at you with concern.

"No one does or will hate you." He says and you swallow dryly, looking away as you mumble that it was just a joke. Stephen pauses momentarily before continuing. "You know that everyone here has their own experiences of loss and they are unique in their own way, even if they have similarities." He begins and you just wish he would speak soon who your partner is at once. "Usually we don't put new members together, but with the release of one of our members, the number ended up getting odd." He explains. "Anyway, I'm sure you and Mrs. Maximoff will get along very well together."

You frowned slightly at the whole explanation. Then you looked around the group, and realized that this Maximoff woman was the late redhead from the previous session who looked at you curiously. You looked away from her to Stephen.

"Thank you, doc." You said with a slight irony and Stephen just nodded smiling.

"Partners are grieving companions ladies." He says. "We will assess your progress at each session, and then switch partners once the necessary improvement has been achieved."

You grumbled in understanding, and looked away to your lap. When Stephen began to ask about the stories, your mind wandered to the departure time.

And when the session was over you wished you could go to sleep. But Stephen made a slight movement of his head in Maximoff's direction, and you understood that you should talk to her.

Ignoring the urge to show Stephen the middle finger, you just sighed as you got up from your chair and lazily walked over to the woman at the exit. She was talking to a man, and you were even more anxious to address not one, but two strangers.

"Hi." You greeted awkwardly, and both of them turned to you with mild curiosity. 

"Hey, you're Y/N, right?" Said the man with a smile as he held out his hand to you. "I'm Bucky. James Barnes actually, but everyone calls me Bucky." He said and you shook his hand, smiling awkwardly. Then he quickly pointed at the woman.  "And this is Wanda Maximoff, your grief partner."

"Hi." Wanda said shyly as she offered her hand to greet you. You accepted as clumsily as she did.

"Sorry, I don't know how this works." You say. "Should we exchange numbers or something? Or is that just a therapy thing?"

Bucky gives a little chuckle.

"Oh believe me, they'll know if you're not making it work." He counters. "My first partner was Sam Wilson and we wanted to jump on each other's necks whenever we saw each other. And then Stephen asked us to move in together." He says and you blink in surprise. "We're married now, but that's not the point. I guess I'm getting off topic..."

"Bucky." Wanda interrupts with a smile, and he smiles half-heartedly as well. You frown, annoyed by Bucky's story. You didn't want to marry anyone. "I guess we'll make it work, I hope you don't mind having the company of two tiny restless creatures on our walks."

You look at her with confusion and then you understand, smiling shyly.

"No, it's okay." You say. "I like children."

"Really?" She asks in surprise.

You nod slightly. "Unlike adults, they tell the truth."

Wanda seemed to be thoughtful, but then Bucky lets out an exclamation.

"As group guide, I have to pass the to-do list to you ladies." He says pulling a small notebook from the back pocket of his pants. He pulls out a sheet of paper and hands it to Wanda. "Partners need to develop these habits of socializing and coping with grief together. And yes, there is a test."

You sigh impatiently, tucking a loose string behind your ear. 

"That sounds fun." You mock lightly making them smile. 

"Anyway, good luck to you two." He says tenderly. "And Wanda, call me if you need help with Tommy. I know a good therapist."

You frown slightly, not understanding what he is referring to, but you prefer to stay out of matters that are none of your business. And then Bucky kisses Wanda on the cheek in farewell and waves to you smiling before leaving. You switch foot weights when you are alone with Wanda. Talking to other people is not exactly your strong suit these past few months.

"So..." You start clumsily when she turns to you. 

"So." She repeats equally embarrassed. You then clear your throat and rush to pull your cell phone out of your pocket and hand it to her.

"Give me your number." You say. "That way we can arrange...whatever this is." 

Wanda smiles weakly as she accepts the device, and you ignore the curious look when she notices the cracks in the screen. A moment later she hands the cell phone back to you.

"I gotta go." She says. "I need to pick up my kids from school."

You nod slightly and force a smile to say goodbye, and Wanda copies your movement before leaving.

You stare at your cell phone next, noticing the slight anxiety in your stomach as you read the contact "Wanda Maximoff" on the screen.

//-//

By the weekend, you are miserable. Just like the first few months.

You spilled some tea under your bed, and when you went to clean it up, you ended up taking the objects that were lying there. And then you found a crumpled piece of paper.

It was your farewell speech. The words you wrote down to speak on the day of the funeral. The paper you pulled out of your pocket when you got home from the ceremony and probably fell under the bed when you collapsed on the floor from crying so hard.

Suddenly your chest tightened and you couldn't breathe. But you didn't want your mother to worry, so you concentrated on remembering the exercises your therapist had taught you.

And when the room started to get too small, you left.

But because it was cold and rainy, you had just taken a hot shower and had decided to brew tea before you finished putting on a sweater, you had bent down to pick up your socks, and the liquid fell on the floor. 

You went outside without your shoes, and your mother let out a worried exclamation when she saw you standing outside, staring at nothing.

"Honey?" She asked walking out the door after seeing you through the kitchen window. "Honey, what is it?"

You didn't answer. Your face was wet. Your mother's hands wrapped around your shoulders, and she gently pushed you inside, worried that you would end up getting hypothermia.

"I'm fine." You gasped as she led you inside, but she just shook her head. "I'm fine."

"No, honey." She retorted making you frown. "You're not."

"Mom."

"Sit down." 

And then there were blankets around you, and socks on your feet. And your mother was in the kitchen, on the phone, but everything seemed stuffy. You began to be absent again. Thousands of memories flashing through your eyes.

An image of yourself on that living room floor, laughing while your girlfriend had her arms wrapped around you. Your mother was pouring a glass of wine for each of you, and you were happy to tell her about your engagement.

Then an image of you running across the room, trying to dodge the tickles your father tickled you while you laughed.

Then a puppy in your hands on the floor. You looked at it fondly, laughing at how cute it looked. 

Looking down, you saw a hand on your thigh. It was your wife's, the ring on her finger. She smiled at you. You were happy because that was the day you told your mother about the house purchase.

You gasped slightly when you felt someone's hand on your shoulder suddenly.

"I need you to tell me three things you can see." It was Agatha. God, you should have been out of reaction long enough for her to get here. Wiping away your tears, you took a deep breath, trying to reason straight.

"I... I..." You started, but your brain didn't seem to obey you. You took another deep breath. You could see the carpet, so you told her so.

"Two more." Agatha asked tenderly, her hand caressing your back from top to bottom. 

"The... table." You replied crying. "I can see the table."

"That's right, honey." She said. "Just one more now. Tell me what else?"

"My feet." You add breathlessly. "I can see my feet."

"Now breathe with me, okay?" She asks. "Like I taught you."

The exercises help you to calm down again. You apologize for scaring your mother, and for making Agatha drive to your house, but neither of them is upset with you. You feel exhausted, but the doctor wants to talk to you after she accepts the cup of coffee your mother offers her.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" She asks as you sit on the covered porch, fluffy pillows around you.

You lower your gaze to the floor, sniffling lightly.

"I found my grief speech." You count. "Under my bed. The next minute I was outside."

Agatha sighs.

"You ready to talk about the accident."

You raise your eyes quickly, frowning, because it wasn't a question.

"W-what?"

She takes a deep breath, crossing her legs.

"It's suffocating you." She clarifies. "You need to talk or these attacks will happen again."

"I-I don't..."

"It won't be today." She interrupts with a tender smile. "Tonight you need to sleep. But we won't prolong this any longer. You need to talk about it, even if it’s only to scream."

Clenching your jaw, you hold back your tears as Agatha takes one last look at you before getting up. She murmurs that she will see you on Monday, but you don't look at her.

//-//

You don't sleep well on Sunday. And it's definitely because you can't stop thinking about your appointment.

And it goes well for the first twenty minutes. Agatha doesn't pressure you, and agrees to hear about your week, without mentioning the incident on Thursday.

There is a pause after you have told her about the dog barking noise in the early morning and then you know it is time to speak up.

"I was driving." You say softly suddenly, ignoring the feeling that your throat wants to close up. Agatha has her hands folded in her lap as she listens to you. "She...she was sleeping in the passenger seat." You swallow dryly, trying to count and not get caught up in the memory again, your heart racing. Talking is almost like going back there. "I looked at her for a moment and I got distracted... and then... we just..."

You only realize that you are crying because tears fall on your hand. You blink, sniffling. Taking a deep breath, you continue.

"We fell into the water, and Nat...she just...I couldn't get her belt off." You gasp breathlessly. "The water just...kept coming up around us. And she looked at me, and... she just shook her head like she knew what was going to happen." You tell between sobs. Agatha's eyes water, but she doesn't interrupt. "I just...she pushed me. She pushed my hands away and she told me she would follow me. And god... my dumb brain believed her!" You confess angrily. "She told me she was right behind me! And I swam out and when I came up she wasn't with me."

You shut up, not being able to tell anymore through the sobs. You can't even see the office clearly because of the tears.

It takes a moment for you to speak again, your head down.

"When I swam back, the car was completely covered with water everywhere" You recount. "I...I was going to dive again.... I wanted to get her out of there. But the people who saw the accident jumped in after us. And they pulled me out of the water. And I kept thinking that if I hadn't been distracted, she...she would be...."

"No." Agatha interrupts by offering you a tissue. "Natasha had a stomach injury, don't you remember?" She counters and you gasp, the words echoing in your brain. "That's why you couldn't remove the belt."

And then you were remembering clearly now.

Soft music echoed in the car as you hummed the tune and drove to your friends' house. Your wife mumbled softly beside you, making you smile as you watched the sleeping figure. The red hair in front of her face.

"Hey sleepyhead." You called softly, looking away from the track for a moment. "We're almost there."

Nat muttered in agreement. You bit your lip, thinking she looked beautiful. And then you heard a noise, and a white light in the window. You barely had time to frown when the impact threw your car off the road.

Your body tensed immediately as you sat up, looking around with desperation. The car was sinking fast and you turned to Nat.

A wound on her forehead was bleeding, and she was clearly disoriented as you touched her hands. You hurried to unbuckle her belt, but it was jammed tightly in her waist, and you gasped in shock at the wound.

"N-no." You grumbled, trying to move the metal, but Nat gasped in pain, pushing your hands away. You could barely breathe in desperation. Your feet were freezing, because the water was already at your ankles. "Babe, move please. We have to get out."

Nat advanced toward you, taking off your belt. You tried to touch her, but she pushed your hands away again, intending to guide you out.

" Sweetheart, go! Open the door! " she commanded and you shook your head, the water on your knees. Nat forced a smile, the tears in her eyes made your stomach turn. "Don't worry love. I'm right behind you."

As you opened the door, the water moved all the way into the car, and you held your breath Nat repeated the words "I'm right behind you" one more time. And then you swam out.

When you reached the surface, you were alone.

Sobbing, you couldn't say anything else to Agatha, and she proceeded to stroke your back, trying to soothe you with words of affirmation.

"I need you to remember some things honey." She says tenderly. "You couldn't have helped Natasha. She got stuck. You have to stop blaming yourself for what happened." Agatha whispers to you, and you sob. "Remember the investigation, okay? The police said that the driver of the truck was drunk and hit your car after he fell asleep. It wasn't your fault." Agatha says trying to remind you. You gasp, countless memories flooding your head at once. "Say that for me, will you?" She asks and you gasp. "Tell me it wasn't your fault."

You sob, burying your face in your hands. It takes a moment, but you repeat the words.

"It wasn't my fault." You whisper breathlessly. "It...it wasn't my fault."

When you leave therapy that day, you feel different.

You think that it is the healing process that is beginning to work. You still have a long way to go, but you have the feeling that a weight has been lifted off your back, because you have started to believe your own words. You could not have saved Natasha.

There is still a deep sadness in you, but you still buy your favorite drink on the way home, and try to stay in the living room for a few hours before going to your room when you are inside.