#i wanna isolate myself from everyone
Text
tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
as a younger alter i relate to claudia iwtv x_x'
#the isolation of being not a child but not an adult... screams#i just want FRIENDS#but like when im talking to adults... i usually have to lie that i dont exist so then we're not really friends even if we hang out imo#pretty sure it's impossible to be a friend to someone you don't know is alive!!!!#either that or they DO know i exist so they end up acting like my babysitter/aunt/whatever so we're never equals and it's uncomfortable :/#and i can't even talk to kids at all because like i KNOW i'm in an adult body i do not have to be told not to talk to kids i get it.#so i just hang out by myself a lot... dreaming to meet a system with some cool weird emo kid alter who would wanna be my friend...#wow. talking about it made me so sad i got a really bad headache DX#it's worse than back when i was real and alive because then at least i could go online and make friends#and now it's just the same shit online too!!!!!#how are we even supposed to deal with this?#i don't wanna integrate just to not be alone. i like myself and i like being myself!!!!#even after everything i still like being myself and im gonna keep doing it#fuck everyone who doesnt like it#this might not be my body or my life but i am still my own ME! and nobody and nothing in the universe can take that away from me#nico.exe
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i may know it’s healthy to interact with people and be social, but that doesn’t mean i find it easy in any way
#like i don’t actually mean to isolate myself i just get lost in doing my own thing#which isn’t bad in itself#but then i find myself feeling sad and idk why#bruh you haven’t spoken to your friends in quite a while#if i was a sim my social bar would be red#but i still don’t wanna talk to people sometimes#like i have to physically force myself just to say ‘hey!#everyone pray for gwen’s social life bc it sucks and isn’t really getting any better even tho i’m trying my hardest#i do wanna push myself more and talk to ppl i’ve always wanted to talk to#but my stupid brain won’t let me#i’m trying to push past it though#it would be nice to make new friends that i then neglect bc i’m bad at friendship#idk maybe that isn’t fair#but i still wouldn’t say i’m great at it#idk i just feel dumb for begging people to talk to me#or even just sending messages to new people#or even my friends who i know won’t judge me but still#idk i’m still sensitive after my episode and i just feel embarrassing and annoying and like i’m bugging people#and i believe them when they say i’m not but it doesn’t stop completely me from feeling that way#literally ‘hey’ feels like i just pissed on the floor in front of them#like god! way to be annoying gwen!!#yes i know it’s my brain talking but literally i use up so much energy trying not to feel it#and so much letting myself feel it#and i only have so much energy as it is#not that it matters#bc most ppl don’t care as long as i check in sometimes#but again i repeat my earlier statement#don’t wanna check in i feel cringe#need friends and communication but cannot maintain them#like the 100th post i’ve made but it’s what my thoughts are currently
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#im so fucking sick of people#like i try to go out and do stuff and talk to people but when i try i js feel like people are mocking me#like yesterday i was returning a flare tights that i bought online and i usually hateee returning stuff#but i went to the physical store to return it and the woman at the register was so meannn#like i have curly long hair and it sheds more than ”normal“ hair ig and there was ONE strand of hair on the tights and she plucked it off#like slow and dramatic and looked at me with disgust#and then she held the pants up and there was like a piece of cotton or whatever its called on it and she plucked it off and she looked so#disgusted and she js talked to me in the worst tone but i finally got it returned#and there were so many people in line behind me#i just wanted to cry#and another thing#i hate going outside where i live bc my friend knows someone who lives in the building next to mine and that friend is like oddly obsessed#with me for some reason#and shes literally filmed me one time when i was on the same bus as her and sent it to my friend#and my friend thought it was hilarous#and my friend has only told me about her filming me once so idk if shes done it other times#but its so fucking uncomfortable and i already struggle sm with paranoia and feeling like im being watched#i just wanna isolate myself and hide from everyone im so fucking tired#vent
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Ughhghhg I get what garfield was going on aboutftttt
#fuckin hate mondays I wanna stay home and do stuff by myself and interact with internet friends and feel isolated and lonely and disc from#everyone forverrrrrrr#I have to shower so I’m not going to sleep soon#HIWVER IF YOU HAPOEN TO BE THREE HOURS ABEAD OF ME (most of you who I interact with im GLARING at you) should sleep
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Need to stop making jokes about my grief and depression but then literally who would I be anymore.
#idk who I am if I’m not constantly making fun of myself and all my problems#and usually not dealing with them#my sadness is like a bandaid that I refuse to rip off and instead I’m just peeling it agonizingly slow and it’s also somehow peeling all of#the skin off my body at the same time and I become a live wound of a person#I wish I had my shit together enough for college or living on my own bs sometimes I think the only thing that would fix me would be picking#me up and putting me in a different state somewhere up north closer to my friends and like that’s all I need to fix me#if I wasn’t so painfully isolated life would be stellar but i can’t ever bring myself to reach out and I’m afraid constantly that everyone#hates me and is wishing I’d stop bothering them wahhhhhhhh I hate it !!!! my brain is evil!!!! I hate that it’s attatched to the rest of me!#my mom will be like. you don’t take responsibility for yourself and your feelings and you wallow in them and you blame your brain instead of#fixing yourself and I’ll be like. 😐. so how do I stop? and she’s like. idk.#I feel like my head is on fire I’m pausing my tolerance break tonight I’m gonna go get some mystery weed from my moms weed tray and pack a#bowl and probably cry some more#why did the year and a half dad death anniversary have to happen on such a humid day I just wanna walk thru the woods and cry and smoke
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Think this year started kinda okay and just now realising it's looking BAD bad for my stress and anxiety levels and nerves and stuff...I am so done istg
#shivered vuz of anxiety for half an hour straight for the 5th time today just this month...#might die this year who knows#ppl need to be away from me and i need to be away from them in turn#i cannot go on like this#wanna isolate myself from everyone who gives me the ick actually#been fighting with a friend and her friend and her friend's friend. it do be exhausting but more bc theyre so dumb its disgusting#and also extremely disappointinh#this is the fucking youth unable to not choose sides and maintain a rationale worth thinking on#the world is literally DOOMED#humanity at its end
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
mm . mmmm. social media
#oyaspeaky#ahve been doing some thinking abt the state of things & my own stances. on what i wanna do#twitter has become such a shitshow that i barely look at it. bc it's a nightmare! and it's always been shit for my mental health anyway!#but also almost all of the ppl close 2 me use it as their main thing and it kinda feels lonely & bad to miss 99.9% of the things they post .#i just want to ahve fun and play toys with people but i know if i get active on twitter again ill have a breakdown within a week#bc im bad at limiting myself when i do certain things.....#tumblr & deviantart have always kinda been the sites tht feel most like Home to me#but pretty much everyone i care abt ditched dA due to eclipse! & so did i! the site's kind of a trashfire now!#this is mostly rambling at this point i am just. sorting my thoughts <3#the bottom line is i kinda feel a lil isolated from things and i worry that translates to others' perspectives as me not caring#i do care !! i just mostly live here bc otherwise id die#this post has no point but. ive been tryin to Blog a bit more. so heres a Blogging
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
actually i hate my sisters so much for making me feel like im not allowed to exist in my own home
#if they wanna play that game; i was born first. by their logic i have more right to our mom than they do#this was my home first. i was here first. i havemore right to be here than them#but for real; my mom is the only one who can decide if i can live here or not#my sisters dont have any right to freezeme out and tell me i shouldnt live here anymore#only my mom can kick me out or have opinions on that#imjust very hurt by my mom and that she doesnt say anything#and when i try to to talk abt how i feel she just always tells me that they have feelings too and that it isnt all abt me???#well im the one being iced out by my own family and spend all my days isolated in my room but yeah i guess im the bad one#maybe i am a bad person i can honestly not trust myself. why else would everyone treat me like this lik#lol*** damn fkn makes me so mad that i cant type on anything without typos#anyway.... i fucking hate my sisters so much and my mom being cold abt it makes me so sad#when i tell her that im so lonely i feel like i could die and that i need interaction#she just tells me that i need to get outside more#anyway i dont fucking know what im supposed to do#i am stuck and i have never gotten any help from theme talhealth care system either so#wtf am i supposed to do all alone in this!?!?!#wish i was fkn normal
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
Oh good Gods I'm gonna throw up. I saw it. There's a live stream going on about it I'm gonna throw up.
I'm gonna unsub from that channel. It was supposed to be a safe channel. It was supposed to be silly reddit and 4chan stories.
They're talking about it. It's happening again. It was an unrelated channel. I'm not safe. It's not safe nowhere is safe. Did he know I watch? Is that why it happened? Does he know? He knows. Everyone knows. I'm not safe. There are eyes on me everywhere. Everyone knows who I am. They know when I'm around and they all want me dead.
#scp fictive#scp 963#Don't fucking touch this if you're gonna say shit too.#i can't fucking do this#i can't i can't#I can't interact with my source anymore. I'm scared. I'm so alone.#The paranoia is killing me. I constantly worry people are gonna hurt me. Everyone hates me.#I can feel their eyes on me. No where is safe. I was supposed to be safe.#I don't wanna be here. I wanna go home#Please let me go home. Or die. I don't know which would be better.#I isolated myself from the community. I stopped talking about myself. What more do you want from me??#An overdose? A noose? A deactivation?#I'm so sorry I'm still here.#I'm so sorry I'm me#I am so so scared.
1 note
·
View note
Text
The feminine urge to block or at least unfollow people to protect my peace even if I still like them while also not wanting to hurt their feelings and make things worse between you
#several people. former friends. exes. etc#maybe i should just do it and pray they understand but idk i'm afraid it will only fuck everything up even more#sometimes i feel sick when i give in to the urge to check their profile despite promising myself not to do it today#and i don't want to feel even more terrible than i already do#but then again i want to try and talk to most of them after a few weeks or months break and some of their birthdays are coming up#so i don't wanna block them and upset them and then come crawling back like 'hey happy birthday wanna hang?'#solutions: 1) suicide 2) isolate myself from everyone so nobody feels discriminated 3) throw my phone in a river and live in the woods#mel talks
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#warning there’s too many typos but who cares#i’m always complaining to myself in my head about how me & my best friend have grown apart#we’ve spent all out teenage years doing everything together even though we weren’t from the same school#we’d still find ways to see each other if not every day then at least every month#& since she started college & then a relationship & then work we’ve just grown apart & it was embarrassing for me really because i was alwa#ys the depressed never busy always alone type & i always ended up felt clingy when asking to hang out#feeling*#specially because she’s a social butterfly & i’m the one who has social anxiety lol but it was always reassuring to have her by my side#during these social events#then the pandemic happened & after things went back to normal.. i can actually count on my finger how many times we’ve seen each other irl#also stopped texting each other which is an important detail considering we used to talk every single day#especially because she’s like. literally the only person i feel comfortable opening up abt things i wouldn’t tell anyone#so i just feel isolated & a bit lost in life without her presence in it... but i’m just a very insecure human & always feel like the plans#& little dates & things i come up & plan for us to do is just... super boring to her (or anyone else)#so i stopped trying completely. which is sad because i miss her immensely#but last november i went to a festival with some friends but felt super stressed on the first day but tried to hide it from everyone#because i don’t wanna ruin the whole trip by being moody so i just kept to myself#ended up feeling overwhelmed & on day2 of the festival we txt each other bc she’s gonna be there#so i just spent the entire day2 with her & her partner & we all had such an amazing time... it really revitalized me lol#& everything felt so familiar even though i hadn’t seen her since her bday in may..#& idk i just missed her. i always felt like this lack of talking & seeing each other just meant that they didnt like me as a friend anymore#or that i wasn’t worth keeping around... idk i’m always expecting the worse which is so unfair to the other person#i know she loves me & that life happens#anyway all that to say that i decided to stop being a pussy & stop mopping around#crying abt how i’m alone & friendless. & like. just text them & invite invite them to see a movie or something#idk if it didn’t work our 2 years ago life happens i am trying again#i won’t find someone like them that easily again in life i think
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
i hate the come-down period after doing literally anything fun at all at any point in time. i went to a movie theater on friday and then to a convention on the following weekend, which was incredibly fun! i loved it! but there's always a come-down period, where everything feels awful because i know im going to be stuck in my house again, rotting away like always, unable to do anything outside of these walls for who knows how long. its hard to keep doing things i enjoy if i know that im just going to feel awful afterwards.
#i wanna be able to do things#but my sister is too picky and my mom is too tired and my friend needs to be involved in everything we do so we just. never do anything.#i do so much stuff alone because nobody wants to go or i dont trust anyone to actually follow through#my bike is out of order though and my mom seems to hate the idea of me using the bus system that i literally get to use for free#now. why can't i just do things inside my own home? it doesn't fuckin work out#the only place im really welcome in my own home is my bedroom. the bottom floor is for my friend and the rest of the family.#i dont have space to do much art up here and there isn't enough space for my other hobbies and i can't make too much noise because it'll -#- bother everyone and i cant call friends because everyone will listen in on my conversations and i don't have enough space to bring my -#- laptop and all its additions up to my desk#i have friends but i feel so isolated from them all. i feel like im going to completely fuck things up by trying to talk to any of them.#i always feel better when i can get out and do stuff but im rarely able to get out and do stuff and even then i feel bad once the stuff ends#so im trapped i guess. its a cycle that will never end. ill do something i love to cheer myself up only to feel even worse afterwards than -#- i did before.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm fine
#no I'm not I'm tired to suffer from tactile hunger and far distance from my partner#i just need to separate from everyone I've met and stop being so attacheble#i need help#i hate myself#I'm crying again in my room and i just feel so lonely again#i don't wanna live anymorr#even having a bestie and good group mates#why my life is falling apart again#i don't deserve it#or maybe i am#that's my fault#I'm so people pleaser#I'm tired receiving nothing from my hard work to impress people i love and i care#i think i just need to isolate myself more#i don't want to live anymore#life is so painful#I'm scared#i need a hug#i need to be kissed and adored#I'm tired to play a silent game#just please love me#please please please please please please please please please please
0 notes
Text
‘if you’re so goddamn lonely like you keep complaining about, just say fuck the anxiety and go back to doing weekly sessions with the boys (aka the guys I play with at the game shop, I just call them The Boys) so you can make some real, in person friends. it’s all you at this point. they miss you and are worried about you because you haven’t shown up since early December and they care about you. so you need to just push past the anxiety and fucking go.”
ok mom, but have u considered this: I don’t think im human and therefore feel awkward as fuck when presented with a room of real actual people bc idk how to interact with humanity. basically: im too fucking autistic for this shit. she’s right tho, it’s all on me to take the initiative at this point. still don’t wanna tho
#im the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life but im still self sabotaging hangout attempts#and isolating myself from the rest of the population#i wanna make friends SO goddamn bad. just so i can feel a little bit normal for once#but my brain LITERALLY won’t let me#im so terrified of being rejected by everyone bc of how i talk (stuttering all that shit. yknow. it’s the schizo spec shit)#and how MUCH I talk and my bizarre tangents and inability to simply make contact#im so goddamn off putting to the average person#that I’M the awkwardness embodied#im the common denominator of the awareness#i truly think that I’ll forever be alone bc nobody will be able to handle me#or accept me for who I am#kooky speech and all#sorry I got sad
0 notes
Text
.
#whyyyyy am i so annoyed and pessimistic all the timeeeee#like a friend invited me out and was talking about potential places to go#and i was like ugh all of these places sound like a hassle and i just wanna stay in my house#and not go anywhere or do anything#like idk when my attitude shifted like this bc i used to be super social#but it feels like nowadays i only want to be alone#or at most in the company of like maybe one or two people#everything just feels so overwhelming and like a lot of things are objectively going right in my life#for the first time in a long time#and i feel like an asshole because it’s like damn bitch this still won’t make you happy?#like i finally have a stable job and a loving relationship and i still find ways to make myself miserable#and i just feel like an ungrateful bitch#how do i stop being so fucking irritable? how do i stop being insufferable to be around?#like i feel rude bc im always leaving plans early and i always feel so out of it while im out with people#like i’m just a spectator and then people expect me to participate in whatever’s going on#and i have to work so hard just to act like a regular fucking person#who isn’t seething and grappling with some unknowable thing under the surface#and of course i realize i am not unique in this at all. everyone’s going through something#but i guess i just feel bad bc it’s affecting my relationships#like i feel so isolated from everyone and so reluctant to open up#and like how do i be like hey sorry man im not avoiding you bc i hate you i just feel unfit for human consumption right now#like what does that even mean?#anyway i don’t wanna go to work. im so tired#personal
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
