#i wanna have my own life and i wanna be happy with someone
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earthchica · 2 days ago
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Funny How Time Flies
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terry richmond x black, fem!/plus size reader
summary: you are a shy, introverted person who wants to break out of your shell and experience fun at least once in your life. During a mutual friend's group trip, you meet Terry and have the best sex with him. Once the fun is over, will you and Terry stay in touch?
warnings: explicit smut (18+), light use of daddy, foul language, dirty talking, dom/sub, oral (f), pussy slaps, fingering, unprotected sex, nicknames (beautiful, baby, baby girl), words: (3k)
note: hey, I'm working on another mini-series, but this one is sweet, wholesome, and freaky! let me know your thoughts and if you want to be tagged in future parts. please enjoy!
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You’ve been shy and introverted your entire life, often feeling tired of this loneliness. Your daily routine typically consists of working, exercising, and returning home, which leaves little opportunity for social interaction or adventure.
While you go out when you want to, most of your time is spent at home with your loving dog. Despite that, you know something is missing—particularly, a boyfriend and a more vibrant social life.
The anxiety stemming from your shyness made it difficult for you to step outside your comfort zone. You want to seek more experiences beyond the walls of your home and be more outgoing.
When your friends Sasha and Maya invited you on a group trip, you accepted. They were surprised but happy and reassured you that you wouldn’t feel left out or awkward during the trip.
Sasha, in particular, couldn’t contain her excitement, as explained by her boyfriend, Bryce. He was bringing his old marine friend, Terry Richmond.
You met the girls at the airport and greeted them with hugs. Sasha explained that Bryce and Cameron needed to find Terry, which made you feel nervous. She told you a little about him, but ultimately, you would have to form your own opinion about him.
"Oh, here they come! Finally,” Sasha replied, gesturing towards three tall, fit men in the distance.
Bryce was a tall, dark-skinned man, while Cam was kind of brown-skinned since he was lighter than Bryce. Then your eyes led to him. Who must be Terry?
At that moment, you felt an undeniable spark of love at first sight. Terry was slightly taller than Bryce and Cam and had a lighter skin tone.
He was so handsome, with good hands, good lips, and, good god, a nice body!!! He was fine, and you wanna intertwine him.
"Good, made it back on time and found big dawg," Bryce nudged Terry on the arm, laughed, and then moved over to Sasha.
"Yeah, bro was at the wrong damn gate/terminal," Cam said, walking over to Maya and greeted her with a kiss on the forehead.
"My fault; it's been a minute since I've been at the damn airport; y'all know I don't travel a lot," Terry chuckled lightly as he caught you staring, prompting you to look away.
"Well, we're glad you found him. Now...um, Terry, I want you to meet someone," Maya said with a smile.
He raised his eyebrows curiously and she motioned towards you and introduced you to Terry by using your name.
“Hey, there!” He said, giving a polite wave, and you just stared at him. Everyone looked at you, awaiting your response, but nothing came out until Sasha nudged you.
“Hi,” you said, waving back with a small mile. You held his gaze for a moment, feeling a flutter of nerves in your stomach, before shyly turning your eyes away.
The flight to Cancun, Mexico, is currently boarding for its scheduled departure at 1 PM. Passengers are advised to have their boarding passes and identification ready and to proceed to the gate promptly.
"Okay, that's us. Who's ready to get Lit?" Maya clapped her hands, easing the awkwardness and creating a more hype vibe.
Sasha wrapped her arm around your shoulders playfully, giving you a knowing look through her sunglasses.
"Look at you, drooling all over Terry already; I told you he would be your type," She teased, and you playfully hit her arm.
Soon enough, you were all on the plane, and of course, you were sitting next to Terry. He was talking to you, but you felt so nervous that your responses were short.
You both had a lot in common: you were single, didn’t get out much, and were on this trip to have fun. You couldn’t believe that a handsome man like Terry wanted to talk to you despite your shyness.
Terry was eager to talk to you from the moment he first saw you. He felt a strong connection and wanted to get to know you better. He was really glad he decided to go on this trip because your sweet and shy nature made him want to break you out of your shell.
“You're kind of the shy and quiet type, huh?! I like that; some people say I'm reserved, so I guess I can relate,"
"You don't seem like it; you seem like an outgoing person." You look at him for a second. His captivating hazel-green eyes burn into yours, causing a flutter in your chest.
"Well, I sometimes can be both; I'm a little reserved when I don't know the person, but if I know you, I'm more open, I guess," Terry explained, a hint of a smirk playing on his lips.
"What makes me so different?" You asked in a playful tone, building some confidence.
Terry laughs and smirks, "I guess you're that special!"
You felt like your heart exploded the way he looked at you, obviously attracted to you. You just nodded, looking away, trying to hide your smile.
“Hey....come on, I was just getting used to hearing that pretty voice of yours,” Terry said, leaning in, and your breath hitched.
You and Terry chatted throughout the entire plane ride. Although you were still a bit shy, you found yourself being more talkative than before, which felt positive.
Perhaps Terry was just what you needed for this trip. Once your group arrived at the stunning villa, you marveled at its beautiful interior.
“Alright,” Maya announced, her enthusiasm infectious as she gathered everyone to discuss the week's activities. She carefully ensured everyone felt included and excited about them.
Maya suggested you all chill and settle into our bedrooms for the afternoon. You began rolling your heavy suitcase down the hall, its wheels clicking softly against the floor.
“Do you need a hand?” Terry asked, approaching with a friendly smile and ready to help you with your suitcase.
"Yeah, thanks." You said with a small smile, walking to your bedroom door and walking in.
"You can put it right there, " You said, pointing at the chair before you and indicating that he should place it there. Terry glanced at you curiously as if he were too nervous to ask a question.
A moment of silent communication passes between you. Terry stepped forward, closing the distance, and you felt your heart race.
You instinctively wanted to shy away, but you fought against the urge, reminding yourself to be brave.
“I hope this doesn’t sound too forward, but I would love to take you on a date tonight. I am drawn to you and want to crack your shy shell and see what’s inside. Of course, only if you want me to," He expressed with a hopeful smile.
“I would love that, Terry,” You said with a smile. Terry smiled back, gave you his number, and set the date plans.
He walked out, winking at you as he left the bedroom. You bit your lip and excitedly squealed, jumping dramatically onto the comfortable bed.
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You told the girls about the date, and they were so excited that they went upstairs to your bedroom to help you out.
“I don’t think I can do this; it's been so long since i've been on a date, and all together, I'm shy as fuck” You said, getting your nerves up.
“Babe, it’s fine. You need this, and Terry is an amazing guy. We wouldn't have brought him on this trip if we didn't know he would be perfect for you.” Sasha says, ease your anxiety a lot more.
“Sasha is right; just have fun and let go, but not too much; you might get dicknotized,” Maya smiles playfully as she hands you a sexy yellow dress that catches the light beautifully.
"This will look amazing on you," She added, her eyes sparkling excitedly. As you slipped into the dress, your nerves faded, replaced by a sense of pride.
Maya's perfume filled the room as she sprayed on you; it had a familiar and comforting aroma.
Sasha, the fashionista, was styling your box braids and applying your makeup while you looked in the mirror.
"Remember," She said, glancing over her shoulder, "confidence is key. Just be yourself."
After saying bye to Sasha and Maya, you closed the door behind you and took a deep breath. You were walking downstairs and Terry stood there at the bottom, clearly waiting for you.
His eyes widened, taking in every detail. You couldn't help but giggle at his look of awe. He seemed captivated by your radiant beauty, his gaze lingering on your elegant curves.
“Wow, you look beautiful,” Terry said. You smiled and looked him over, noticing he was wearing a black button-up shirt and shorts.
"Thank you. Um..you look beautif-I mean handsome!" You cursed at yourself in your mind, feeling totally embarrassed, and Terry found it cute.
"Thanks! Are you ready?" Terry asked, holding his arm out with a smile and you happily accepted.
Both of you walk leisurely down the path, arm in arm while listening to the gentle sound of waves crashing against the shore accompanies you as you make your way to the charming ocean-view restaurant that overlooks the sparkling waters.
You and Terry walk inside, and the warm glow of the intimate setting welcomes you. You find a cozy table for two awaiting your arrival. Moments later, a friendly waiter approaches, ready to take your drink orders.
While waiting, Terry struck up a conversation that flowed effortlessly. His warm smile and engaging demeanor made it easy to share about yourself. With every exchanged joke and smile, you found yourself becoming more comfortable, as if he had a talent for bringing out the best in people.
His smooth charm was evident; he made you feel special and understood, gently encouraging you to step out of your shy little shell and embrace the moment because the air between you crackled with sexual tension, growing palpable by the minute.
The waiter approached your table, balancing a tray of drinks that shimmered in the dim light. He set them down before you with a polite smile. After taking your food orders, he left you both.
Terry, his eyes sparkling, leaned in closer, a playful grin spreading across his face.
“While we wait, how about we play a game of ‘Would you rather?’” Terry proposed, the excitement in his voice making the suggestion feel inviting.
"Okay," You replied, intrigued and ready to dive into the game.
“Okay, would you rather…” Terry started, propping his chin on his hand as he contemplated the question.
“Would you rather live deep in the ocean or explore the vastness of space?”
You paused for a moment, considering the options carefully. “Hmm, that’s a tough choice. But I think I would choose space,” You finally replied.
“Mmm, interesting! What makes you lean toward space?” Terry inquired, leaning forward with curiosity.
“I have always been interested in space and astronomy. If I could, I would be an astronaut, and the experience would be exciting,” You said, taking a sip of your wine.
"Wow, I would love to learn more about that, but it's your turn," Terry said, his eyes lighting up with curiosity and a warm smile spreading across his face. The "Would You Rather" game had been going for a while and had taken a slightly naughty turn.
Before long, the waiter arrives with both of your meals, setting them down on the table with a flourish. As the delightful aromas fill the air, you take a moment to appreciate the dishes before returning to Terry.
Intrigued by the connection you two are building, you changed the subject wanting to know about Terry's interests and experiences, eager to learn more about his passions.
Terry paused mid-sentence, his gaze falling on your necklace, which had come unhooked. With a gentle smile, he leaned in close and secured the clasp.
You found yourself momentarily lost in the warmth of his touch, savoring the soft caress against your dark brown skin, a delightful contrast that sent a shiver of warmth through you.
Terry pulled away, a smirk playing on his lips, and effortlessly transitioned back into talking as if nothing had happened. You couldn't help but notice his subtle game; it was working on you like a charm.
Your desire was intense, and your craving seemed to deepen with every word he spoke. You were utterly captivated, wanting him more than ever before.
After dinner, you both walk silently side by side on the beach. Your hands nearly touch until Terry grabs yours and holds it, making you smile.
You slowly look up at him, and you find that his eyes are already fixed on you.
"What?" You asked.
"Just admiring how gorgeous you are," Terry stopped you from walking by wrapping his arms around your plump waist.
You touched his chest, thinking you both would finally kiss. But Terry was teasing you again. He lifted you slightly, catching you off guard and causing you to drop your purse and heels.
“Oh my goodness, what are you doing, Terry?” You gasped, struggling to escape his firm hold on you.
“Let’s get in the water; I bet it’s cold,” He said, trying to pull you closer.
“No, Terry!” You squealed, quickly breaking free from his grasp and running away from him with your tongue sticking out.
“Hey!” he yelled, chasing after you. When he finally caught you, he wrapped his arms around your waist from behind and started tickling you.
You bounced up and down with laughter, trying to escape his grip. Just as Terry was about to say something, he accidentally tripped over something in the sand. Both of you fell together. You looked at him, and he looked at you.
You both laughed as Terry rolled off of you, pulling you onto his chest and kissing the top of your head, making your heart flutter. He eventually helped you out of the sand and retrieved your purse and heels.
Feeling a surge of confidence, you leaned in and pressed your lips against his, surprising him with the suddenness of your action. As you pulled back, a shy smile crept onto your face, and you turned your gaze to the side, feeling excitement and nervousness.
In an instant, Terry reached out, his fingers gently cupping your cheek, drawing your attention back to him. His eyes searched yours, a blend of sweetness and warmth reflected in them.
Then, without breaking his gaze, he leaned in closer, his lips brushing softly against yours as he kissed you, igniting a flutter of butterflies in your stomach.
You let out a muffled moan, feeling his hands gliding over your ass with a gentle yet teasing touch. Your breath caught in your throat, pulling away while feeling him firmly grasping it.
"Do you wanna continue this back at the villa?" Terry asked, his eyes darkened with desire as he looked down at you.
"Yes," you said, nodding firmly as you still held the gaze. Your voice remained steady, even as a whirlwind of emotions surged within you—excitement, desire, and a hint of nervousness mingled together.
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Once stepped into the bedroom, Terry pressed you against the solid door. His lips met yours in a passionate, rough kiss, feeling an electric spark hit and made your heart race.
"I've been waiting to take this dress off you since I saw you in it," He murmured in your ear, running his hands down the bodice of your yellow dress.
"And it's just driving me wild," He whispered, which made you shiver.
"Well, take it off if you're brave enough," You spoke boldly, which made him smirk.
You gasped as he lifted you in his arms and carried you to the bed. You still couldn't get over the fact that he was so strong to pick you up, which was a turn-on for you.
He picked you down as both of you stood at the edge of the bed; he was kissing your neck, and his lips peppered on your dark-brown skin, pausing here and there to suck on the sensitive flesh.
His hand reached behind your back to find the zipper of your dress, pushing it down to your feet. You step out of it, and his hands touch your exposed breasts.
As you stood there, a wave of insecurity washed over you, causing you to shy away slightly. Just when you thought about retreating and hiding yourself, Terry stopped you. His gaze was steady and inviting, searching your eyes.
"You're beautiful, baby. Don't hide from me!" He whispers genuinely, making you feel warm inside. You kiss him as his hands grip your breasts.
You let out a soft moan, pulling away and popping his black button-up shirt open. You admired his abs and slid your fingers down his chest.
Terry shivered slightly at your touch; you had the same effect on him as he had on you. Both of you practically ripped each other's clothes. You gently laid yourself down as Terry hovered above you.
You pulled him down for another kiss as he cupped your right breast in his hand while his lips moved away from yours. His tongue dragged across the dark area of your areola.
"Such nice big tits, so good to suck," Terry growls and grabs both of your breasts with his hand, squeezing and sucking them, causing you to whimper.
"How does that feel, baby?" He asked, pulling away from sucking your nipples as his right hand traveled down to your wet folds, and circled them.
A loud moan escaped your lips, felt him push two fingers inside of you, prompting you to cover your mouth to avoid being heard by the others.
"Nah, baby girl, none of that. You have no idea how desperate I want to hear you moan for me. If you don’t let yourself make any sounds, I’ll have to find a way to draw them out."
"Yes-yes....ohhhh....It-it feels good....ahh......so good," You moaned, feeling him moved below and rested between your plump legs, glancing up at you. He spread them wide, getting a good look at your pussy.
"Mmmm, a pretty girl with a pretty pussy" He said before placing his hands on your legs and dragging his tongue between your wet folds.
"Yes....fuck....ahh fuck" You moaned, arching your back and grabbing your breasts as he repeated the action with more pressure, his tongue sliding against your bundle of nerves.
"Mmm, tastes so damn good, girl" His hands were holding your wide hips as he continued to suck and lick you dry, drawing desperate soft moans from your mouth. 
Terry buried deeper between your plump legs, which was driving you crazy. The pleasure you were feeling going through your body was so overwhelming.
"Ahh fuck, Terry fucking eat this pussy, mutherfucka" You moaned, and your fingers gently caressed his head, relishing the closeness of him.
Terry chuckles. "Mmm, there you go, keep talking nasty to me, baby. I see I'm bringing the best out of you, the freak in you," He said before resuming devouring your pussy.
Another loud moan escaped your lips as the pleasure built within you, clenching around his fingers while you felt yourself getting close.
"Are you gonna cum, beautiful?" He asked, moving up to look into your eyes and began to finger fuck you fast.
"Yes, Terry, oh shit.....fuck-fuck don't stop fuck." You cried, suddenly cumming hard, eyes rolling in the back of your head.
"Yeah, that's it, baby girl. Fucking cum for Daddy," Terry said, still fingering you and then smacking your pussy as wet gushing came out of you, causing you to cry.
"Shit, look at that, baby. And I did all that with my tongue and fingers; I can't wait to see how your pussy takes my dick" He said with a chuckle, licking his fingers, and you watched him coming down from your intense high.
You kissed him, slightly tasting yourself as he cupped your breast in his hand while your hand slid down his chest to his throbbing dick; you got a good look at it and gasped at it.
"Like what you see?" Terry whispered in your ear.
"Yes, it's so big," You moaned, moving your hand up and down his length as you kissed him again but deeply. A very deep moan came from his mouth when you got a little faster.
"Fuck, girl, I need you…" Terry said with a slight moan, which made you smile. He moved on top of you and slowly entered your folds, causing you to go bananas.
You were loving the fullness of his thickness inside of you as he began thrusting, drawing soft moans from you. Terry asked, looking down at you to see if it was good, but you nodded.
"Come on, baby. Don't get shy on me again; tell me how it feels?" He asked, his hands on your waist sliding down to grasp your wide hips, pulling you closer so he could bury himself deeper.
"Yes, Terry fuck me, fuck it feels good!" You moaned, wrapping your plump legs around his waist tighter, allowing a new, delicious angle that you both liked.
Your moans became louder and more frequent as his thrusts came faster but still as gently and passionately as ever.
"That's it, girl....let everyone know i'm fucking this pussy good, You like it, you like how I am fucking you" Terry moaned while his rhythm never stopped looking down at you with so much desire and lust;
"Oh yes, Daddy fuck me, it feels so good," You cried, looking up at him as he lifted your legs to his shoulders and pounding into you faster and harder but much more profound.
"Take that fucking dick like a good girl;" Terry growled, tightening his grip on your legs.
"....fuck are you about to cum, baby?" Terry moaned, feeling the warmth of your walls, clenched around him.
"Oh....yes, fuckfuckfuck..I'm-I'm cumming-" You moaned, digging your nails deep into his arms and scratching down.
"Fucking let it go, baby."
"AHHH!!" You screamed, coming hard again and Terry wasn't too far behind, cursing, pulling out; your legs immediately fell to his waist as his hot cum spurted all over your belly, making you slightly giggle.
"Shit," Terry cursed, lowered himself, and propped up on his left arm as his head buried in your neck.
He entirely collapsed on top of you, and you wrapped your arms around him. You slid your hand up and down his sweaty back while he gave you small, lazy kisses on your face and neck.
Terry rolls off you, and both of you calm down from your high. You bite your lip and turn to prop yourself up to look at him.
"That was—" You couldn't decide what word to use. It was beyond amazing, it was...
"Mind-blowing, yeah," He agreed, looking at you and lifting himself up to kiss you.
"Up for another round in the shower?"He asked, pulling away and caressing your hip.
"Yes!" Both of you smirked at each other and got out of bed to walk to the bathroom; Terry made you cum two more times that night.
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hoonieyun · 2 days ago
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collecting tears
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a four part short anthology series following heartbreak, jealousy, yearning, and woe 🗝₊˚⊹♡
heeseung ⊹ jongseong ⊹ jaeyun ⊹ sunghoon
more under the cut
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lee heeseung ⭒˚。⋆
We were goin' right, then you took a left Left me with a lot of shit to second-guess Guess I'll waste another year on wonderin' if If that was casual, then I'm an idiot sabrina carpenter - sharpest tool
angst - heartbreak - unrequited love - situationship
would you have continued to waste more years of your life pining after the boy who only saw you as a phone number to call when he felt alone?
read here ₊˚⊹♡
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park jongseong ⭒˚。⋆
I hope you're happy But not like how you were with me I'm selfish, I know, I can't let you go So find someone great, but don't find no one better I hope you're happy, but don't be happier olivia rodrigo - happier
angst - breakup - the one that got away - ex boyfriend
does seeing him happy make you happy, knowing he's happy with someone else?
coming soon ₊˚⊹♡
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sim jaeyun ⭒˚。⋆
I'm in the corner Watchin' you kiss her I'm right over here Why can't you see me? I'm giving it my all But I'm not the girl you're takin' home I keep dancing on my own I keep dancing on my own robyn - dancing on my own
angst - loneliness - one sided love - best friends
how does it feel knowing you spent so much time being by his side but you were never the one he chose?
coming soon ₊˚⊹♡
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park sunghoon ⭒˚。⋆
I know I said I’d wish you well But I did not mean with someone else I don't wanna ask too much But don't fall in love without me Been through hell Waiting if the time could tell I don't wanna press my luck But don't fall in love without me pia mia - wish you well
angst - rejection - right boy wrong time - failed relationship
did you really need all that time? now that you see where and who he's with... did you really need all that time?
coming soon ₊˚⊹♡
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copyright 2024 - present © hoonieyun all rights reserved
all writing here is fiction & not in any association with characters mentioned.
✮⋆˙ reply or send message to my inbox to be added to the taglist
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hi 🐊 since youre asking for them ^-^ .
im having a lot of thoughts about the micah/bill/javier dynamics and also the ways bill and javier almost seem to reflect the main two sides of micah we see (quiet, brooding, thoughtful, and terrifying vs impulsive, boistrous, rowdy, and scary) and how different their relationships with micah are, but also how they both come together when they soend time as a trio ^-^ id love to hear your thoughts on all this :)
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Thank you!! I am happy the F of a Feather triad got you thinking about this.
Agreed, interesting how Javier and Bill seem so far apart in personality but somehow have a common tie between Micah.
I don’t actually have a whole lot to say… I work best when I have other fan works to build off of but so many drawings and fan fics go shallow with anything relating to the triad or even the pairs that make up the triad. The most that comes to my head is the same pitch I’ve said in almost every post relating to them.
- but to try and make something worth reading… -
Javier and bill pairing with Micah could come from Micah either matching the energy or balancing the energy of the other.
Micah and Javier:
I can see Javier and Micah having a nice night together by accidentally sharing quality time together: parallel play with Micah shining his weapons and Javier practicing his guitar.
I notice in game that Javier sometimes stop playing if arthur approaches, which makes me think Javier is a bit reserved and him letting people be around him while he does something is special.
Micah tries his hardest to ignore others when he is at the campfire shining his weapons, but he secretly dislikes having other people around him.
And so the both of them are at the campfire and are bemused to realize they don’t mind the other’s presence: Micah doesn’t dislike the guitar plucking, and Javier doesn’t mind the flashes of motion as Micah aims and fires his empty revolver.
But micah and Javier could also be boisterous dorks I am suuure. Javier is in his 20’s, so is Charles. As much as the fandom likes to treat them as perfect, neither man is this flawless chill man who never does wrong and never makes brash decisions. Give micah and Javier some alcohol and I am sure both will be thrown in a jail cell like the Strawberry situation with Micah and Lenny.
I wanna see more missions with Micah and Javier and what their dynamic would be. Javier is very much a back-up gunman, but he can lead his own smaller missions. He can do stuff solo but benefits from having someone with more seniority by his side. Micah is not higher ranked than him in the gang, but he has a longer life of gunman expertise that can prove helpful.
Micah can cook up one hell of a plan for things. His plans leave too much “I have my guns, I have you, what other planning do we need?” for Javier’s comfort, hence how he can flesh out Micah’s plan. Perhaps it feels less like one is nodding the other around and trampling each other’s egos since both of them sculpted the plan.
So basically they should get tipsy and decide to follow through on a lead for money together. Micah prefers stagecoach robberies (for the thrill!), Javier likes ambush missions. I am sure if Javier could convince Micah, he too could enjoy ambush missions. Or maybe he’d see it as too easy, like shooting fish in a bucket.
Micah and Bill:
Micah and Bill are troublesome together but they can actually be amicable???? Wow???
Their two of them can definitely be rough. They will literally get in a fist fight if not stopped, tho it’s rare micah actually initiates a fist fight he doesn’t see himself winning. They draw out the worst in each other. They argue and pick at each other because in the pecking order of the gang, Micah is a rookie and there is less push back for Micah to prod at a gang member who is already held in low respects.
But overall they’re actually quite chill with each other. As chill as they can be. They have that silent mutual destruction that closeted gay men have.
They can share a moment where it’s just the two of them awake late at night and neither has to say a word. Micah doesn’t like people talking to him late at night, and Bill always fumbles over his words when he is tired (regardless of if he is drunk or not).
In the cold, Bill and Micah can stand next to each other and not immediately start drawing blood. They can just exist in a space and not see it as a competition.
They can go on missions and return with no bullet holes in their bodies, sometimes they even return with cash or watches! They can work, but they work best when they have a third person to keep the peace in case anything goes wrong. Who is a pretty level-headed guy who can pull his own? Wink wink: Javier.
Woof ngl I don’t know where I was going with this all. I’ve been scatter brained and chipping away at answering your asks.
I am glad you’re interested in F of a Feather!
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gregmarriage · 1 month ago
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okay, but literally, sometimes? the only way you can be happy? you’re gonna have to disappoint your parents. yeah, sorry x
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puppyeared · 11 days ago
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wish they would just let me live on wuhu island man.. kicks pebble and sighs
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softshuji · 6 months ago
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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.
#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting#married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i#said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with#a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive#ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could#talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed#i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man#and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in#front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?”#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love#or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than#they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw#im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down”#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the#kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off#somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it#and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already#and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone#else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit#and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these#decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.
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gay-fordeath · 3 months ago
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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xannerz · 11 months ago
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wish my mom wasnt homéophobíc!!!
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zero-a · 2 years ago
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people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"
#mine.txt#just thinking about all those 'think positively!' and 'romanticize your life!' posts#like on one hand i can see their merit cause self-hatred though instinctual is ultimately detrimental to your mental health#but on the other hand...some of them (a lot of them) are really just unashamedly asking other people to completely change themselves huh#all in the guise of ''positive thinking'' ''self-love'' and ''betterment'' no less#i suppose i shouldnt be surprised considering most people can barely grasp the concept of someone who Genuinely has muted emotions#as a natural state instead of a depressive symptom#not to mention the human quality of escalating things#so ofc tumblr which seems to currently be in its mental health recovery phase would naturally lean in so hard towards ''radical happiness''#but man sometimes i really do just wanna shake the person from behind the screen and say#'no! dont you understand! this is just how i am! stop implying that everybody who doesnt feel joy at simply waking up is a miserable hag!'#sometimes they dont even imply it they just straight up say it 💀#im honestly fine (as in idc) with seeing them but they remind me so much of those toxic positivity bitches that sell you random hoaxes#and tell you that youre ''ruining their vibes'' when youre not just beaming like the sun every waking second#well idc most of the time that is#sometimes they just trigger my szpd (and my dpd weirdly enough)#with the szpd obviously i dont like being told what to do and what to feel and having some rando assume things about me#but with the dpd its like#oh i must be doing something wrong ofc this stranger on the internet knows more about emotions and feelings than me#cause im a dumbass who doesnt Feel things therefore i must do what they say even to my own detriment#this mainly applies to those guilt-trippy ones so ive learned to steer clear of them#possibly even block the op
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wolfisland · 5 months ago
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i do often lament the bullshittery i got up to and ran my mouth about when i was deep deep in the comphet trenches (bc incredibly i struggled more w comphet AFTER i came out and even well into my current relationship - im just now untangling so much of it) but god at the very fucking least, at LEAST, thank GOD i never forgot my man hating roots. even at my WORST i was not harping on about how evil dykes and lesbians are for hating men.
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blizzardfluffykpop · 6 months ago
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recently reminded myself how much i loved day6 and i've just been having sm fun rediscovering old favorites and listening to new songs and just falling in love with them all over again-
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sk3l3t0n444 · 1 year ago
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i wanna play animal crossing but i get really stressed about the amount of stuff i can do and how i dont know what i should do and it always reminds me that i should be working on shit :(
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nebulaleaf · 1 year ago
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uaaaugh i need to unpack but i can't get off the floor. why do anything...
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gotta-bail-my-quails · 1 month ago
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the k in my name stands for king
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fnafawoundleftbleedingau · 1 month ago
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Feeling big anxious today. I feel like I'm just gonna end up disappointing people with AWLB part 2. I keep feeling like I need to go back through it, and try to account for like, EVERYTHING, like have an answer for every line of thought that could come about while reading, cover every moment in-fic I can, and just. It still feels like it won't be enough to not disappoint someone. I know I can't account for everything in the first place too. I know no one can make one thing that makes everyone happy, but still...
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lilowoof · 6 months ago
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OUGH, these feelings of loneliness have been so strong lately.... going from having someone to talk to here n there to just radio silence kinda hurts, ngl X'D
I've done this song n dance before and IDM waking up to no messages or not having ppl close to me to chat to but still! Having a taste of closeness with ppl, only for it to be ripped out of my hands, by my choice, or theirs, or both just...... It hurts!
Thankfully I do have some great pals whom I can reach out to if needed so it's not like I am 100% alone XDD I guess I'm just trying to readjust to the current situation. And I know that I have the power to reach out to ppl and also to check out events in town to meet ppl! It's hard for me to do those things but I have the power to, gotta give myself grace and take things one step at a time, as I usually do!
I just wish it didn't hurt so badly haha!! (also this is not an invitation for ppl to dm me (unless u really want to for some reason). I just like writing down my thoughts so I can dissect them better and of course not bottle things up, etc etc)
#don't get me wrong: most of the time I adore just being in my own head and alone!#but when I wanna talk to someone about stuff that is happening.....good or bad. and having no one#THAT's when it hurts the most#doesnt help that this year was kinda just like yay more ppl to hang with- oh they either dropped me as a friend#or prefer to hang with others who are better players (for salmon at least). AH WELL#I really want to go back to the dating apps just so I can TRY to meet ppl even if it doesnt work. AND MEETUP TOO I gotta get on that#tho I do need to reach out to ppl privately to play fish game with since I tend to just wait for ppl to come to me and#thats not the way to go.... if only I was a god tier player so more ppl would reach out LSDGKNSDHG JKJK IM happy with those that do poke me#and of course chatting with ppl in servers helps too but it sucks when they arent avail or what I say gets ignored :')#BUT YE. while I AM sad over all of this.... I do have the power to make the change so hopefully the executive dysfunction allows for it#I want to think about how much I wanna live#not about how much I want to fade away and die. ya need some good ppl in life and since I dont have that in the fam. I need the friends :D#actually all of this stemmed from the realization I had on priv that I basically have no family to lean on. like. at all. no connection#or trust#and to not have any pals that can fill that role too!!! YEAH IT SUCKS! but I will try to mitigate the pain. work is easing up so I have tim#hahaha I kinda feel better typing this all out! that was the goal after all
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