#i wanna have my own life and i wanna be happy with someone
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gregmarriage Ā· 2 months ago
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okay, but literally, sometimes? the only way you can be happy? youā€™re gonna have to disappoint your parents. yeah, sorry x
#this in relation to the fact all my past romantic relationships ended#bc i was so deeply closeted and we could never be fully seriously together bc that would mean telling my dad and i was afraid#itā€™s not like iā€™m not afraid now#part of me still feels like that little baby lesbian who was so ashamed#and i donā€™t want to be her anymore#i wanna have my own life and i wanna be happy with someone#and itā€™s fuckin unfair that my dad stands in the way of that#so iā€™m not putting it up with it anymore#heā€™s gonna be a bitch about whoever i date bc heā€™s a bitch about my sisterā€™s partners and theyā€™ve been together years with kids#and i as the youngest daughter bare the brunt of still being held on to too tightly#which okay fine but iā€™m not a kid anymore and wow sorry to disappoint dad but iā€™m not the perfect little daughter you imagined#iā€™m a lesbian and iā€™m gonna fall in love with a woman (gn) and weā€™re gonna be together#and you canā€™t stop that bc i am a grown fuckin woman (gn)#anyways iā€™m in my feelings tonight#bc iā€™ve been thinking about the future a lot lately#for reasons šŸ‘€šŸ‘€šŸ‘€#and like i wanna have the future lil baby lesbian gwen dreamed of#i wanna live with my wife and i wanna be so fuckin happy and free#and iā€™ve decided iā€™m not gonna let anything stand in the way of that#2024 the longest year of my life but also the year i learned a LOT#so bring it on future iā€™m ready for you bitch!#gwen rambles#gwenposting
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puppyeared Ā· 30 days ago
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wish they would just let me live on wuhu island man.. kicks pebble and sighs
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softshuji Ā· 7 months ago
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Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.
#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting#married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they'#think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i#said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with#a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive#ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could#talk to dad and they could ā€œgo about finding someone for meā€ and I've never been so pissed#i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man#and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in#front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always ā€œwhat will people say?ā€#not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love#or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than#they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw#im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation.#and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said ā€œit's important that you settle downā€#and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the#kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off#somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it.#my obligations are to god and myself and that's it#and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already#and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone#else has and that's it.#im done.#and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse.#i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit#and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding.#is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these#decision's for me?#ruined my whole day.
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lemonynuggets Ā· 9 days ago
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Can i take u to england?
yeah
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gay-fordeath Ā· 3 months ago
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#dont call anyone im safe im fine im just venting. tw for suicide/self harm/kind of intense language. ideally no ones reading this tho#bro i cant keep living like this#i dread waking up every day so much that i dread even falling asleep#i got insomnia medication in my system and my brain is still like nope absolutely not#i cant keep up at my job even when i am rested enough#i get headaches every other day#my instant mental reaction in the face of stress is to hurt myself (i have not)#like fuck. i work for the disability department of an insurance company#i know for a fact that (probably) every contract stipulates we wont cover disabilities as a result of self inflicted injuries#which is supposed to prevent ppl from taking advantage of the system or whatever#and im always like if someone goes to the lengths of actively injuring themselves to the point of disability#in the name of 'getting out of work'#that person is not 'taking advantage of the system' THAT PERSON IS FUCKING MENTALLY ILL#AND I WOULD KNOW BC I AM ONE OF THOSE PPL#do not come for me on some shit about wanting to disable yourself being morally questionable i cant be concerned abt that rn#i gotta focus on the fact that i hate my life so much id rather break my own right hand than continue it#its an improvement from the active suicidal ideation but its still a symptom of the passive ideation#fucking hell. im too self aware so i absolutely feel like im faking it or making shit up so i can be lazy and not work and whatever#but FUCKING CHRIST theres no way. if i had a choice i wouldnt let myself feel like this.#i just got to a point where i can live alone and support myself. i was so happy and so proud of myself. I don't want to lose that#but god every phone call i have to make for work makes me want to hurt myself. every early morning (and there arent many!!! i mostly work#from home!!!) makes me wish i was dead. i have to sleep for hours after work more often than not. i cant really maintain my living space#theres fucking. mold and discoloration and shit on a bunch of my clothes and some of my bags and shit!!#cause i cant fucking keep my room clean and my basement apartment got fucking humid over the summer and so much moisture got trapped#i constantly have dirty dishes getting moldy before i get to them#i just dont have the fucking energy. i want to take better care of my space. i want to be more social. i just want to go to sleep without#fucking dreading waking up. i wanna go a full week without a headache. i want my stress response to be something other than the intense and#overwhelming desire to cut myself. if i start again i dont know if ill be able to stop and i know i wont be able to keep it to my arms/legs/#easily hidden parts of my body. last breakdown i escalated to my face and i know ill pick up from there.#fuck
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xannerz Ā· 1 year ago
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wish my mom wasnt homƩophobƭc!!!
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zero-a Ā· 2 years ago
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people will go all "just be yourself and love yourself! :)" and then go "if you don't act the way i want, you gotta reprogram your entire way of thinking then reach into the very core of who you are and what makes you you, discard it, and replace it with this better, friendlier, more empathetic version that's coincidentally far more convenient for me to deal with than any other possible compromise we can make that you can do for me but doesn't stretch your mind to nothing but thin bands of what you'd consider 'You' :))))))"
#mine.txt#just thinking about all those 'think positively!' and 'romanticize your life!' posts#like on one hand i can see their merit cause self-hatred though instinctual is ultimately detrimental to your mental health#but on the other hand...some of them (a lot of them) are really just unashamedly asking other people to completely change themselves huh#all in the guise of ''positive thinking'' ''self-love'' and ''betterment'' no less#i suppose i shouldnt be surprised considering most people can barely grasp the concept of someone who Genuinely has muted emotions#as a natural state instead of a depressive symptom#not to mention the human quality of escalating things#so ofc tumblr which seems to currently be in its mental health recovery phase would naturally lean in so hard towards ''radical happiness''#but man sometimes i really do just wanna shake the person from behind the screen and say#'no! dont you understand! this is just how i am! stop implying that everybody who doesnt feel joy at simply waking up is a miserable hag!'#sometimes they dont even imply it they just straight up say it šŸ’€#im honestly fine (as in idc) with seeing them but they remind me so much of those toxic positivity bitches that sell you random hoaxes#and tell you that youre ''ruining their vibes'' when youre not just beaming like the sun every waking second#well idc most of the time that is#sometimes they just trigger my szpd (and my dpd weirdly enough)#with the szpd obviously i dont like being told what to do and what to feel and having some rando assume things about me#but with the dpd its like#oh i must be doing something wrong ofc this stranger on the internet knows more about emotions and feelings than me#cause im a dumbass who doesnt Feel things therefore i must do what they say even to my own detriment#this mainly applies to those guilt-trippy ones so ive learned to steer clear of them#possibly even block the op
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wolfisland Ā· 6 months ago
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i do often lament the bullshittery i got up to and ran my mouth about when i was deep deep in the comphet trenches (bc incredibly i struggled more w comphet AFTER i came out and even well into my current relationship - im just now untangling so much of it) but god at the very fucking least, at LEAST, thank GOD i never forgot my man hating roots. even at my WORST i was not harping on about how evil dykes and lesbians are for hating men.
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blizzardfluffykpop Ā· 7 months ago
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recently reminded myself how much i loved day6 and i've just been having sm fun rediscovering old favorites and listening to new songs and just falling in love with them all over again-
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sk3l3t0n444 Ā· 1 year ago
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i wanna play animal crossing but i get really stressed about the amount of stuff i can do and how i dont know what i should do and it always reminds me that i should be working on shit :(
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nebulaleaf Ā· 1 year ago
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uaaaugh i need to unpack but i can't get off the floor. why do anything...
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gotta-bail-my-quails Ā· 2 months ago
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the k in my name stands for king
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fnafawoundleftbleedingau Ā· 2 months ago
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Feeling big anxious today. I feel like I'm just gonna end up disappointing people with AWLB part 2. I keep feeling like I need to go back through it, and try to account for like, EVERYTHING, like have an answer for every line of thought that could come about while reading, cover every moment in-fic I can, and just. It still feels like it won't be enough to not disappoint someone. I know I can't account for everything in the first place too. I know no one can make one thing that makes everyone happy, but still...
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lilowoof Ā· 7 months ago
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OUGH, these feelings of loneliness have been so strong lately.... going from having someone to talk to here n there to just radio silence kinda hurts, ngl X'D
I've done this song n dance before and IDM waking up to no messages or not having ppl close to me to chat to but still! Having a taste of closeness with ppl, only for it to be ripped out of my hands, by my choice, or theirs, or both just...... It hurts!
Thankfully I do have some great pals whom I can reach out to if needed so it's not like I am 100% alone XDD I guess I'm just trying to readjust to the current situation. And I know that I have the power to reach out to ppl and also to check out events in town to meet ppl! It's hard for me to do those things but I have the power to, gotta give myself grace and take things one step at a time, as I usually do!
I just wish it didn't hurt so badly haha!! (also this is not an invitation for ppl to dm me (unless u really want to for some reason). I just like writing down my thoughts so I can dissect them better and of course not bottle things up, etc etc)
#don't get me wrong: most of the time I adore just being in my own head and alone!#but when I wanna talk to someone about stuff that is happening.....good or bad. and having no one#THAT's when it hurts the most#doesnt help that this year was kinda just like yay more ppl to hang with- oh they either dropped me as a friend#or prefer to hang with others who are better players (for salmon at least). AH WELL#I really want to go back to the dating apps just so I can TRY to meet ppl even if it doesnt work. AND MEETUP TOO I gotta get on that#tho I do need to reach out to ppl privately to play fish game with since I tend to just wait for ppl to come to me and#thats not the way to go.... if only I was a god tier player so more ppl would reach out LSDGKNSDHG JKJK IM happy with those that do poke me#and of course chatting with ppl in servers helps too but it sucks when they arent avail or what I say gets ignored :')#BUT YE. while I AM sad over all of this.... I do have the power to make the change so hopefully the executive dysfunction allows for it#I want to think about how much I wanna live#not about how much I want to fade away and die. ya need some good ppl in life and since I dont have that in the fam. I need the friends :D#actually all of this stemmed from the realization I had on priv that I basically have no family to lean on. like. at all. no connection#or trust#and to not have any pals that can fill that role too!!! YEAH IT SUCKS! but I will try to mitigate the pain. work is easing up so I have tim#hahaha I kinda feel better typing this all out! that was the goal after all
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cloakedsparrow Ā· 5 months ago
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Dick: Okay, I think weā€™re gonna have to do ā€˜Good Cop, Bad Copā€™.
Jason: Yeah. Itā€™s tropey but it works.
Dick: Exactly. Wanna flip for Bad Cop?
Jason: Youā€™re kidding.
Dick: Or we could play Rock, Paper, Scissors, Lizard, Spock?
Jason: Dude, I canā€™t be Good Cop. I kill people, remember? You canā€™t kill people and be Good Cop.
Dick: Those were traffickers and mob lieutenants. These are Rogue goons.
Jason: What, like that matters?
Dick: Yes, that matters. They donā€™t care that you took out some mobsters. They care that you revived the Joker after beating him to death and then let him go.
Jason: I didnā€™t revive him, I just didnā€™t let him die yet! And I didnā€™t let him go either! That was Batman! I was gonna kill the psycho!
Dick: Yeah, well, you still kept him alive and the goons probably know it. Just like they know I was happy to leave him dead when I killed him.
Jason: What?
Dick: You heard me.
Jason: Youā€¦?
Dick: Killed the Joker? Yes. I thought he killed Timmy and then when I confronted him, he said your name andā€¦I didnā€™t stop hitting him until he choked on his own blood.
Jason: Thenā€¦how is he still alive?
Dick: Batman revived him.
Jason Fucking what?
Dick: Yeah.
Jason: Well, now I definitely canā€™t be Good Cop. Iā€™m way to pissed for that shit.
Dick: Well, so am I.
Jason: Fuck.
Dick: Fuck.
Jason: So now whadda we do? Try to beat it outta him?
Dick: No, he'll lock down. That's why I suggested "Good Cop, Bad Cop" to begin with.
Jason: So we need a Good Cop.
Dick: Okay, Iā€™m gonna call Timmy and see if he can come play Good Cop.
Jason: Good plan.
Dick [talking into a secure (& Batman-proof) phone]: Hey, Robin, you busy?
Tim [on speakerphone]: Kinda, yeah. Whatā€™s going on? You sound weird.
Dick: Hood and I need to get some intel from a goon, and weā€™re thinking ā€œGood Cop, Bad Copā€ is the way to go but neither of us can pull off Good Cop right now.
Tim: Shit. Iā€™m in Bangkok right now-
Jason: The fuck are you doing in Bangkok?
Tim: Speedy needed help with a thing.
Dick: In Bangkok?
Tim: No. Sheā€™s in Korea.
Jason: So, again, why the fuck are you in Bangkok?
Tim: Because Lady Shivaā€™s here and sheā€™s perfect for what Speedy needs, so Iā€™m calling in a favor she owes me.
Dick: Youā€™re calling in a favor from Lady Shiva because Speedy needs help with a thing in Korea.
Tim: Yep. You got it.
Dick: No, thatā€™s- You say that like it doesnā€™t require any further-
Tim: Can you hang on for a second? Thereā€™s an assassin tailing me.
Dick: Shit. Do you need us to send someone out there?
Jason; Starfire should be done with her thing by now. She's not on your shit list, right?
Tim: No, I like Kori. But Iā€™m good now. My assassin got the other assassin.
Dick: You have an assassin?
Tim: Kinda? She defected from the League of Assassins and is up for hire but she always gives me priority since she feels like she owes me a life-debt.
Dick: Again, you sound like you think that statement doesnā€™t require any further explanation.
Jason: So you hired your assassin buddy to kill the other assassin?
Tim: What? No. Of course not. She didnā€™t kill him. Weā€™ll question him later. She never kills on my jobs since she knows I donā€™t like it.
Dick: What about other jobs?
Tim: Thatā€™s her business. We arenā€™t all control freaks, you know.
Dick: Thatā€™s-
Jason: Thatā€™s good, Little Red. Good that you have healthy boundaries.
Dick: I have healthy boundaries.
Jason: Sure you do.
Tim: Okay, youā€™re gonna have to argue that on your own. Iā€™m supposed to help my friends out with something after I get Shiva to help Speedy, but I have to handle this interrogation first. So how about I just send my friends the twenty-five plans I drew up and ask Bunker if he minds helping you out before he joins us? He should be able to get inside Gotham in less than ten minutes.
Jason: Oh, Bunkerā€™s perfect for Good Cop.
Tim: Right? Theyā€™ll spill everything and probably give him their grandmaā€™s secret family recipes on top of it.
Dick: Wait. Back it up. You have twenty-five plans drawn up? What are you guys up against?
Tim: Nothing we canā€™t handle. Young Justice figures, why even bother with a plan B if you arenā€™t gonna cover the whole alphabet?
Jason: Thereā€™s twenty-six letters in the alphabet, Little Red.
Tim: Yeah, but plan Z is always the same, so we donā€™t bother listing it anymore.
Dick: Is it ā€˜get an adultā€™?
Tim: Of course not.
Jason: When you were a Teen Titan, how often did you call in an adult when you probably should have?
Dick: Okay, thatā€™s fair.
Jason: So whatā€™s plan Z?
Tim: ā€˜Fuck it, we ballā€™.
Dick: Thatā€™s not a pl-
Jason: Thatā€™s perfect. I love it.
Dick: No. Donā€™t encourage him.
Tim: Thanks, Red. So do you want me to ask Bunker about helping you? Iā€™m kinda on a time crunch now.
Jason: Yes, please.
Tim: Okay. Heā€™s on the way. Is there anything else?
Dick: Whe-
Jason: No, weā€™re good. Have fun storming the castle!
Tim: ā€˜Kay, bye!
Jason: Bye!
Dick: The fuck-
Jason: Bunker and I can handle the interrogation here and Timmy and his assassin friend are gonna be busy with an interrogation there for a bit. If you take off now, you can probably catch up with him and go all big brother like youā€™re dying to.
Dick: You sure?
Jason: Yeah, Iā€™m sure me and Bunker can handle this asshole.
Dick: Thank you.
Jason: Yeah, well, you did kill the Joker. Thatā€™s gotta count for something, right?
Dick: Iā€™ll tell you all about it after I make sure Timmy doesnā€™t get himself killed or lose another organ.
Jason: Iā€™ll hold you to- Timmy lost an organ?
Dick [already calling Kori to get him to Tim]: Later. Iā€™m on a time crunch now!
Jason: Iā€™m holding you to that!
Jason: *sighs* No one in this family knows how to share.
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neverendingford Ā· 1 year ago
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#thinking a lot about morality and utility versus absolute and picking fights with my father and christian friends about the nature of people#morality sometimes does have to be learned. I was a significantly more shitty individual back in 2015 when I got on tumblr#but I learned that community is important. they violence in defense of others is justified required and admirable#I learned that emotions that are commonly considered negative can always be channeled into something constructive#that tumblr post about a selfish warlord protecting her kingdom because THEY'RE MY PEOPLE AND YOU CANNOT HARM THEM#it sticks with me because the transformation of ā€œnegativeā€ emotion into a force that creates and grows and thrives and protects#sure. tumblr is mental illness dot com. but the ones who have lived this long? they turn it into recovery and thrive dot com#tumblr is the hellsite and this volcanic soil is fertile. we grow life out of these ashes.#the ones who haven't killed themselves or been killed are the ones who know what it means to survive.#the ones who found the way out. the ones who are willing to fight to wake up happy. to defend what they know it's precious#I learned that loving people can be a selfish thing#if friendship makes me happy then should I not make friends? if being kind makes me happy should I not then be kind?#I hug a crying person because I care about them but also because it makes me feel better to care.#I feel happy when I am protecting other people. when I am caring for someone.#I feel fulfilled when I drive to a friend's house and get them away from their abusive family for even just one night.#I care about others but I also care about myself. christianity told me to sacrifice myself. to burn myself on a pyre of divinity#tumblr dot edu told me ā€œlove yourself or die tryingā€#I wish I had periods so I could paint with my own blood without having to cut myself open.#I genuinely wanna learn how to draw blood so I can paint with my own blood without resorting to knives#poetry feels so much more meaningful when it's crafted from my own flesh#a thousand words written in meat and bone can never say what my actions will.#I try to describe in a chorus of screams and cries what I can express with a single squeeze of my fingers against your palm#I reach out to hold your hands as you cry and a new wing appears in the Library of Babylon.#you laugh and kiss me gently and bookshelves spring into being to describe the electricity that passes from your heart to mine#I want to love as relentlessly as the ocean. others can be soft like a river. I can only beat like a storm against your windows#how can I discover this ache in my heart? how can I pluck it out and tie it to these pages that I might not feel it throb in my chest
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