#i try to be a hopeful and optimistic person

[fanfoolishness]

Mark S is already fading away.

I thought it was so in Woe's Hollow, when he was sharp with Irving, crass with Helena's laughter about the Dieter tale, and distant on the long snowy hike to the falls. But this episode really drove it home.

Reintegration isn't just memories coming back. It's demeanor, it's personality, it's the way you navigate the world with your other self bleeding through the walls that severance created. It goes both ways.

We see that Mark S is starting to affect Mark Scout. Some of his optimism and eagerness are affecting outie Mark -- outie Mark starts the episode in the morning, lit brightly instead of cast in the dark and lonely shadows that usually define his home. His home looks more Lumon-like than usual. We see outie Mark asking Reghabi hopefully when they can keep going, trying to move forward as quickly as he can. This is a man driven forward by his goal, which is mysterious and important.

But conversely, Mark Scout is hemorrhaging into Mark S.

Mark Scout's cynicism, his bitterness, his jadedness, his casual cruelty are leaking through. His wounds are poisoning the secret rebel, the chipper optimist, the leader who said "we're people, not parts of people." It won't be poison in the end -- hopefully, it'll be a real person, full of optimism and pessimism both, able to see both halves of the whole. But for now it's a shock to the system, percolating under the surface and coloring all of Mark S's interactions.

Yes, Mark S has many reasons to be off right now... he's ashamed of not realizing Helly was Helena, he's suddenly uncertain about the separation between outie and innie at all, he's still not sure if Helena or Helly stands before him, Irving is dead (no he's not, he's just not here), he's confused about that flash of Ms. Casey, the list goes on. He wasn't good at mourning Petey, and he's not good at this. Reintegration isn't the only reason he's closed off and in denial.

But it's definitely a reason why Mark S is turning away from his friends and isolating himself. I just hope that he's able to hold onto those parts of himself that yearn for love and connection, and he's able to restore his bonds with Dylan and Helly as he starts becoming someone new.

[0798f]

💞 — Vis Amoris.

RELATIONSHIP: Alhaitham x Reader (college au)

SUMMARY: The force of love | Alhaitham creates a misunderstanding, Kaveh accidentally exacerbates it, and you’re left with terribly annoying feelings.

A/N: Happy Valentine's Day! This was longer than expected (2.4k)! Enjoy this hilarity.

“Hey, (Name)! Where are you heading with those flowers?” Kaveh waved down (Name) before they could pass him by in the hallway. There had a small bouquet of flowers in their arms; a variety of carnations and daisies tied neatly together with a red ribbon.

They were caught off guard by Kaveh, suddenly looking a bit shy. “Oh, ah, I was going to... give them to Alhaitham!”

“Seriously? Why him?”

Kaveh was the first person (Name) befriended after entering university. He was kind and friendly, a wonderful person to be around, and made nights at the bar very lively. If not for him being a dramatic and loud drunk, then for his enigmatic group of friends that (Name) also became quite close with over time.

In those few years, (Name) had become great friends with Kaveh, Cyno, and Tighnari, but especially Alhaitham. The other three found that relationship quite interesting; most were put off by Alhaitham’s attitude but (Name) appreciated the challenge. They’ve overheard other students call Alhaitham unfriendly but he hadn’t been anything less than polite to (Name). Maybe that was because he was a kind person at heart, but sometimes (Name) drifted off into a daydream where Alhaitham liked them more than just a friend.

Alhaitham appreciated honesty and rationality. What was more rational than being straightforward with their feelings? “Well… I just… y’know! I like him! So I wanted to tell him…”

(Name) hoped the look of shock on Kaveh’s face was because he hated (not really) Alhaitham and hated (not really) when good things happened to him. But after the shock wore off his expression morphed into something more of concern. “Well, uh, I really hate to break it to you, (Name), but we went drinking last night and I got drunk and started giving him a hard time.. the usual! Somehow we got onto the topic of relationships and I was lamenting about my life and I was complaining that girls keep trying to get me to pass confession letters to him—”

“Kaveh, is there… like… a point to this?”

He took another deep breath, “there is, I swear! Since I was complaining about all that I asked him why he keeps rejecting confessions and he said he didn’t have any time for a relationship!”

(Name)’s heartbeat flatlined at Kaveh’s words, the weight of the bouquet suddenly becoming all too heavy. The optimistic smile on their face had dropped into a frown. “Oh,” was their only response. What were they supposed to say? (Name) suddenly felt very silly.

“I’m really sorry, (Name)!” Kaveh bowed his head in shame as if he was to blame for any of this. “I feel really bad!”

(Name) shook their head and smiled. Much too empathetic for his own good, Kaveh could easily see that their smile didn’t quite reach their eyes. He felt terrible, he really did; he wished Alhaitham liked (Name), they were so perfect for each other! Kaveh was even sure that Alhaitham had a crush on (Name), and was shocked to learn that he didn’t.

“Hey, relax,” (Name) hummed. They appreciated the comfort and care from their friend and kept their smile unwavering for Kaveh’s sake. The last thing they wanted was for him to feel guilty about telling them— he had done them a favor, after all. Saving them from having their confession rejected by Alhaitham himself. But there was something equally disheartening about knowing that their feelings never even stood a chance. “I’m glad you told me. Saves me from the heartache, right? It’s no big deal, anyway... Just a crush.”

The bouquet fell to their side, petals floating to the ground.

It had been an odd week for Alhaitham.

(Name) was one of his closest friends and he quite enjoyed being around them. He was sure (Name) felt the same way— until they were suddenly avoiding him at all costs..

They had classes together so they couldn’t always avoid him, but even then they were trying their best. Alhaitham looked across the lecture hall, where (Name) had found a seat completely opposite of him. If his texts being ignored wasn’t enough to make the point clear, the empty seat next to him cemented it.

They had been sitting there for day. Initially, Alhaitham let it go on, unsure how to approach the situation. He was book smart, yes, but for all his research into human nature he felt clueless about what to do when a friend began ghosting you out of nowhere. They didn’t write scholarly articles about that. But, he had to at least try himself.

The class ended and as students began filing out of the classroom Alhaitham managed to catch (Name) as they were putting books back into their backpack. Something was clearly wrong. (Name) looked taken aback at Alhaitham’s presence, and they couldn’t even look him in the eye. He felt quite awkward, but he pushed past that. “(Name)... Did you see Tighnari’s message? We’re watching a movie tonight. Are you going to join?”

(Name) gave Alhaitham a smile, though it seemed a bit forced. “Sorry, Alhaitham, but I am just swamped with homework tonight. I��d love to join you guys, I really would, but I just need to focus right now!”

And, with that (Name) rushed out of the room without even saying goodbye, leaving Alhaitham in the dust. He stood there for a few moments, an unpleasant feeling attacking his heart. Did he do something wrong? Alhaitham had no idea and it had been eating away at him all week. He sighed and left the lecture hall to make his way towards his friends, who had already been waiting for him to show up.

“There you are. We’re gonna miss the previews.” Cyno admonished Alhaitham as he approached the group waiting at the quad.

“Only you want to see those,” Tighnari rolled his eyes. He looked behind Alhaitham once he noticed someone was missing. “Where’s (Name)?”

“(Name) said they were too busy.” There was a tangible dejection in his words that felt all too earnest coming from Alhaitham of all people. The sound of disappointment even surprised Alhaitham himself.

“Are you sure they’re busy? Aren’t they mad at you?” Tighnari’s comment piqued Alhaitham’s interest and made Kaveh’s heart stop. Mad!? Sure, Kaveh overheard Cyno and Tighnari’s whispered conversations over the past week about (Name) acting weird around Alhaitham. But who said (Name) was mad!? No one knew about (Name)’s crush, right?

Alhaitham tapped his chin in thought. “Are they mad? They have been trying to avoid me lately…”

It was so sudden. Alhaitham hadn’t realized how practically attached at the hip he and (Name) were until they began to distance themself lately. Had he done something to make them upset? He thought about it, nothing came to mind; (Name) didn’t act angry around him and smiled like usual.

Cyno blinked. “They’re mad? I thought they liked you.”

Kaveh looked like he entered catatonic shock while Alhaitham mulled over the idea in his head. He did not react for the first few moments. (Name), liking him? Romantically?

People either treated Alhaitham like he was a jerk or like he was the unattainable man of someone’s dreams. (Name), though, never cared for those labels and treated him like he was regular person from the very start. What was the line between platonic and romantic? Alhaitham tried to think about the differences. (Name) always stopped by the library to give Alhaitham some snacks during his long study sessions. (Name) always sat next to Alhaitham when they went out to drink. (Name) always listened to Alhaitham talk about his research, no matter how boring it might have been to the average person.

Did that mean something?

“What are you talking about! (Name) totally doesn’t have a crush on Alhaitham anymore!” Kaveh waved his arms frantically to distract from the situation. And upon realizing what he said only stoked the fire, increased intensity. “Not that (Name) ever had a crush on Alhaitham! They don’t even like him! Well— I mean, that’s not true, obviously, but it doesn’t even matter, because Alhaitham doesn’t like them back!”

The silence had never been so loud. Cyno and Tighnari stared at Kaveh in disbelief, the latter shaking his head at the outburst that seemed to reveal a bit too much information.

A light bulb went off. Alhaitham recalled telling Kaveh he had no time for a relationship when they went drinking a week ago. Alhaitham was confident in that declaration initially, but (Name) becoming so distant made Alhaitham feel like he was missing something. He didn’t realize how much he appreciated their company, and he didn’t realize how much he took them for granted until they were avoiding him.

Everything finally fell into place in his mind. “Oh, I see. I do like (Name).”

“Are you KIDDING ME!?” Kaveh let out an exasperated groan and fell to his knees in the middle of the bustling quad. Some other students walking by looked at the group in confusion. “I told them that you didn’t like them! That’s why they’ve been trying to avoid you all this week!”

The other 3 guys stared at him in disappointment. “Wow, Kaveh,” Cyno chided, shaking his head. “Not a great wingman. You left (Name) and Alhaitham on the ground.”

Walking away from Alhaitham made them feel terrible. (Name) hated to avoid him, but just being around him and knowing their stupid feelings were unrequited made their heart hurt. Alhaitham was a great friend and it felt awful to abandon that, but was it wrong to wish for something more?

Shaking their head at the thought, (Name) continued walking down the street. It wasn’t fair to any of their friends to let this silly crush get in the way. They’d have to get over it soon, to avoid suspicion but also because they just missed hanging out with all their friends.

They turned the corner and was startled at the sight of Alhaitham waiting at their bus stop. Aside from all the circumstances that made this an awkward encounter, (Name) also left campus much earlier than Alhaitham did. “Alhaitham? How did you get here?”

“I ran.”

That did answer (Name)’s question but they were hoping for a little more elaboration. “Okay… why? I thought you and everyone else were going to go watch a movie.”

The absurdity of the situation made it easier to talk to Alhaitham, even after avoiding him for so long. And (Name) was quick to realize that they really missed being able to talk to him like a normal person and not feel their heart breaking knowing the feeble scholar who just ran across campus at a breakneck pace would never like them back.

Alhaitham walked towards (Name) while keeping a comfortable distance between them. “We were, but I learned something important from Kaveh and I needed to talk to you—”

(Name) couldn’t let him continue his sentence without feeling like their heart was going to explode. “Oh, God— did Kaveh tell you..?” All this trouble to try and avoid him and their feelings get spilled anyway; how miserable! (Name) waved their hand frantically and forced a smile onto their lips. “Listen, don’t worry about that! It’s just a stupid crush. I know that you don’t like me back... and that’s okay! I promise, it’s okay!”

Hopefully Alhaitham would believe their words because the quiver in their voice pointed to the idea that it was, in fact, not okay. Did Alhaitham run all the down here just to tell them this? Sometimes he could come off a bit rude, but that would be pretty cruel.

They waited to hear something heartbreaking; ’I’m sorry,’ Alhaitham might say. But, instead of anything terrible, (Name)’s vision was flooded with vibrant colors as Alhaitham held out a bouquet of flowers that were previously hidden behind his back. A variety of carnations and daisies tied neatly together with a red ribbon. Some of the flowers slumped with fallen petals as a result of his race across campus. Deja vu.

“Kaveh did tell you that I had no time for a relationship, yes.” Alhaitham’s voice was surprisingly gentle. (Name) peeked around the flowers and noticed Alhaitham was blushing. It was faint and barely visible in the pink hued sunset, but unmistakable. “I was sure about that, until I realized how much I missed your company this week.”

He looked into (Name)’s eyes with an intensity that left them captured in his gaze. Was this real? Their feelings being reciprocated? This had to be some sort of sick joke. But the sincerity in Alhaitham’s voice accompanied by the delicate bouquet of flowers was reality, and (Name) couldn’t believe it.

For all the daydreams (Name) had about Alhaitham as a partner, they always struggled to imagine him being romantic. They were sure he was capable of it, but they had never seen that side of him so they couldn’t be sure. But Alhaitham stepped forward, grasping (Name)’s hand in his. He brushed his thumb over the back of their palm and (Name) was pretty sure they stopped breathing. “I’m trying to say that I have feelings for you. Romantic feelings, to be clear.”

(Name) wasn’t sure how a relatively clunky confession brought them to tears, but it did, and pulled Alhaitham into a hug. They felt him stiffen and move the flowers out of the way to save them from being crushed, but after a moment he wrapped his free arm around their torso to reciprocate. The hug was warm and Alhaitham held them tight in a way that felt secure.

“... This means you accept, right?”

They laughed against his chest. “Of course it does! You need to study more about relationships, geez.”

Alhaitham smiled, “I hope you can teach me.”

— BONUS

From around the corner, their friends tried to get a good view of the confession scene. If they weren’t going to see a movie that night, they could at least watch this.

“He gave them the bouquet,” Cyno exclaimed before being pushed out of the way by Tighnari.

“See! Flowers were a good idea. He better thank Collei later for making a bouquet on such short notice.” Looking all too pleased with himself, Tighnari watched the two in the distance intently, while fighting Cyno from moving him out of the way.

Kaveh shoved both Cyno and Tighnari out of the way. “They’re hugging! See, it all worked out! I’m a pretty good wingman after all!”

The three didn’t last long watching the scene until Alhaitham and (Name) noticed them. They called them creepy.

masterlists.

[unbeatable-champ]

The only person I ever really spent my time with was Sonia or my father, and then Hoppip once he was born. There were other kids, of course, I just never bothered with them much. I was a tad excitable, I think. Sonia kept up, though. It was Chairman Rose who set us off on our little Journey. The man was visiting our school, and we battled. We intrigued him, so he offered to set us up proper, and off we went.

That was when we met Rai, actually. He and I had at it at the opening ceremony, and we've been thick as thieves ever since. I don't really know how to describe that sort of thing. Sonia was something of one, when we were little, but really I'd call her more of a partner. We work well together. Raihan, though.. He's something else. A friend, a rival, the beginning, and maybe someday the end. The final bastion before my castle, the Knight to my King. But I go on, haha.

They certainly can. I swear, the lot are just waiting for the next "big scandal" to drop before they can claim some horrible thing to be the truth. Things have already been a bit hectic lately, we hardly need them poking about at people, as well. It's a shame they do to begin with. I can't imagine they'd deal well with everyone running after them all hours of the day, as well... (So I've heard! I know Ms. Oleana keeps an eye on Rose and Mine's, but she'a... something else entirely.)

Even in my short years, I know I've seen some. It's hopeful. I'm a horrible optimist at heart, though. If there's some silver lining to be seen, I'll go for it, hahaha! And I appreciate that, I do. It's much the same on my end. I've gotten used to thoughtless interview after thoughtless interview, and then going home to pass out on my sofa. At least I sometimes manage the time to spend nights out with friends, but it gets tricky. I'm the only one who lives up in Wyndon.. Raihan's decently close, in Hammerlocke, but that's still a ride on the train away. It's nice talking to someone other than an interviewer!

I think if you care for her so much, you should tell her. Obviously I'm not authority in the matter, but you know. You've only so much time to live your life, and you never really will know what will happen. It's a tricky thing, but just one of those.. don't do something you'll regret. You never know. She might feel the same.

Not horribly so. The minor league has decently strong Leaders, of course nothing to the proper League, but they're still quite good. If you can make it through to what would be the Champion Cup, you've got yourself an endorsement for the coming Gym Challenge. It's a handy way to keep too many people from flooding the gates all at once, and encouraging trainers to improve. Though it does have the unfortunate side effect of making it a bit difficult for anyone who doesn't already I've in Galar to take part.. regardless! It isn't the only way to get an endorsement, League officials such as the Gym Leaders, the Chairman and I can give them out as well. My brother and his friend rather bullied me into giving them theirs this year.. though I will admit, I'd been putting it off for quite a while. Goodness, the crazy League stories... I've heard so many. Oh, yes, we had to stop some mad person from trying to end the world. Your average Saturday. I think I'd go mad, myself!

Oh yeah wait you're too old to know what inkay games is my bad

Oh, please, I’m only twenty-three.

[ he’s not old. don’t make that mistake again. ]

—💎

[tiny-tokunaga]

It's a Doozy™ tonight, folks

[lollytea]

I really love hope is a thing with feathers and I also really LOVE the hope as a sewer rat poem too but I wish it was not explicity written as "well actually" against Dickinson asgvsjnk. The imagery is SO GOOD but this whole vibe of "my metaphor is better than your metaphor" kinda sours it for me

[rawliverandgoronspice]

The more time goes on, the more I think we (= westerners, especially white westerners) are just so fucking bad at guilt. I feel like guilt is among the most pernicious and dangerous emotions out there --not because guilt is literally deadly in isolation, it is an excruciating emotion but it will not kill you in itself, but because we have been trained to associate guilt with worthlessness (I partially blame christian values, the idea of impurity and sin --not to downplay, of course, the danger of a community judging you or being expelled from that community on the basis of being considered a danger to its other members due to the thing you've done that has been generating this guilt), and so we must, absolutely must, protect ourselves from simply feeling that guilt and processing its cold indifference washing over us, and we must do so through any means necessary. This can involve defensiveness, denial or reject of that guilt altogether so we are mentally protected from having to reevaluate ourselves and our place in the world, or can involve wallowing in and using it to self-harm --focusing on the pain and on self-hate rather than on what the guilt is telling us about ourselves and our heritage; blinding ourselves to it still in a twisted way.

I think it's also complicated to know how to manage guilt in a world where we're generally (as a whole) deeply powerless. It feels unfair to be called out about not doing enough when you know that pulling even mediocre heroics on your own will most definitively do almost nothing, hurt you, and be buried in a way that might be extremely unhelpul --not to mention, that it would actually hurt you in a very real and final way and lead to entirely thankless results, even if it was the morally correct thing to do. I do not want to pretend that it's not, very often, the results that awaits even serious and well-practiced activism --or even mild activism, major shoutout to everybody who got maimed or arrested or even killed on zero basis simply because they happened to be at or even near a protest, when they were not brutally attacked for no reason even outside of activism because an officer was racist or sexist or queerphobic or simply bored that day. There are genuinely good reasons to be scared.

So we feel guilt because of this fear, because of our isolation from any serious movement and the fact that we privilege our comfort over letting action taking over whatever else we have going on, and because fear and comfort knowingly keep us into inaction --or action that doesn't feel like enough, or that we feel doesn't achieve much of anything (which I think is never true: even giving someone a glimpse of hope for a second because we made an effort towards them is always always worth it in my opinion, it's not nothing and it's not a cop-out --of course it's not enough and we collectively need to find ways to do more, but it's not nothing and it should never discourage people from taking action --but I digress). But I think we start making a mistake when we point at this very real powerlessness as a shield from the guilt. Both can coexist. Both have to coexist. It isn't fair that some people are being forced to be courageous when we can afford to remain cowards. It is not even a moral judgement that condemn our souls forever, weakness is human and lack of individual reach against an overwhelmingly powerful and removed system even more so; it is a simple fact that we *have* to acknowledge if we want to take a clear look at the actual situation instead of camouflaging it behind self-justifying walls to give ourselves temporarily relief from that awful feeling. And I'm not saying it's not a constant effort, to keep those instincts of self-preservation at bay, or that some people don't have really good reasons that they cannot act more than through social media or miniscule donations or by talking about it around them, or being powerless to even do that without putting themselves into real and concrete danger --or that letting guilt in will be pleasant or even healing. It won't be. But it's also not the point.

Yeah, I get that it's hard to truly reckon with the fact that almost everything that made us (= westerners, especially white ones) is soaked with blood, imperialism, white supremacy, sexism, queerphobia, and a whole sweve of truly rancid ideologies that we cannot afford to passively accept as our lot. We were not given a choice in that legacy, and we don't have a ton of leverage over reorienting our haunted civilizations into something that isn't a horrible nightmare; but it is a fight that is happening right the fuck now.

I genuinely think guilt is a feeling we are not taught to handle in a healthy way; and because we have essentialist, pseudo-religious and punitive justice concepts terminally untangled with that feeling, guilt governs our politics and our private lives in the most rabid and unchecked way imaginable. But guilt will not kill us, unless we allow it to, and it will help literally nobody if it does. Guilt isn't evil in its soul-crushing pain as much as it is informative. Guilt is unbearable, unfliching clarity. But fever boils us alive because there is an infection that needs to be destroyed.

[cerbreus]

the holiday malaise is getting to me a little bit

[icharchivist]

Go off queen

It's your blog and you should be able to talk about whatever you want after all

aww thank you 🥺 i appreciate it <33

i do really not like spreading negativity esp when it's on a topic i have strong feelings about, and let's say the D.A fandom especially tends to be. extreme about the way it reacts to people disagreeing with them.

And look. I'm not immune to it because sometimes i get caught up by the genuinely rancid vibe in the fandom as well, and i think those games are designed for us to have strong feelings to start with.

but it also means i don't want to go too deep into controversial thoughts because i genuinely don't want to get to a point where i'll see someone screenshot my posts to dunk on it and say i'm the reason media literacy is dead and why the fandom is so toxic (citing things i've actually seen on said blog, for instance though not directed at me but at takes i've seen taken out of context. except i knew the context so knew this was a bad faith argument.).

Like can't even dislike shits in peace in here.

[codgod]

i still feel like the money from the egg figures is gonna go to the eggmins, including lumi and shade and anyone else that has left/been fired [maybe with the exception of like, flippa and tilín’s original admins since they were only there for less than a month but who knows]

like i agree that the way quackity is going about things sucks, with his mindset being that because he doesn’t want to make promises he can’t keep he won’t say anything at all, but i don’t think it means the eggmins won’t be paid. i’d assume, based on what he’s said, that he’s waiting to see how much money the merch makes before he promises anyone any amount of money. which again. is dumb, because if that is the case he could still just Say That. but i don’t think it’s a baseless assumption at the very least

[teenagefeeling]

how i know im going through a depressive episode:

been very irritable and crying a lot lately

keep waking up at 5 am no matter when i go to bed and im tired all the time anyway

can't focus on shit and reading books makes me feel like im sticking nails in my eyes

this is my spotify history

in conclusion: im having a bad time

[yarrowleef]

guess who finally got ✨✨medicated✨✨

[arsonists-oatmeal]

I swear some of yall only say "ACAB" because you think its trendy to be anti authority. You need to understand that that acronym was born out of actual pain that people have experienced by the police. And im not just talking about getting speeding or parking tickets (though im not saying that tickets can not be a source of great pain for people), im talking about things that have brought about personal risk of life. Things like police brutality, being arrested, getting a "mental health check" via police. People say ACAB because they have been hurt by police, and see the problems with the police, and how they are all bastards via how they systematically protect the bad ones and encourage violence. They don't say it just to be rebellious or something. So like, if you say ACAB, you better believe it, because I see a lot of the (usually white) liberal crowd shout it at the top of their lungs, and then turn around and call the cops on their marginalized peers the moment they act weird

[skunkes]

hi im gonna sadpost for a bit

[burinazar]

sometimes i really miss in early college when i primarily had four good friends i felt i could count on for almost anything and that was legitimately all i needed. friendships are more numerous but more diffuse now both geographically and emotionally and there’s some kind of bottomless feeling of unmet need there

[designernishiki]

bro kiryu is a terrible parent. he may be happiest when he's surrounded by the kids at the orphanage but what kind of genuine happiness has he given THEM? the dude provides them no stability and haruka is the one that actually looked after them the whole time while he runs off to fix up the tojo again and again. it's better that he stays away from them. even kiryu finally sees that. it's why he chose to do what he did at the end of 6. i hope he continues to leave them the hell alone.

park mirei is that you????

I really don’t think it’s that simple. I don’t think he’s a bad parent and I don’t think he’s a perfectly good one either. I think some of the things that make him a “bad” parent are actually his fault, while other things haven’t been, and are instead more of an inevitable product of the shady world him and haruka both were born into.

TLDR: it’s literally factually incorrect to say he didn’t/barely raised his kids and instead just left haruka to do it (most of 2007-2011 he was fully present and solely devoted to raising them, no other job, no other intentions), and he absolutely has done a lot for them and their happiness. however, he’s made some bad choices as well and has his fair share of flaws as a parent. most importantly, his past does tend to find him in one way or another regardless of what he does, which is not something that’s easy to solve. taking himself out of the picture hurts the kids tremendously, while staying in the picture potentially endangers/hinders the kids. I can’t say what the “right” thing to do would be, because it’s not black and white. all I can say for sure is that he did have an important and positive impact on their childhoods, and they care about him just as much as he cares about them.

(more in depth version below)

the idea that he hasn’t done anything for his kids and didn’t actually raise them is something I wholeheartedly disagree with and is just factually untrue. before he starts getting threatened and manipulated by various groups/people to get him to leave, for several years (most of 2007-2011) he was a caring parent who devoted all of his time and effort to raising those kids and it shows from how much they love and miss him when he’s gone, and in the personal problems he helps each of them with whenever he can in y3. On top of love in general, he provides them with stability, a sense of family and home, and helps some of the more traumatized kids regain the ability to trust and overcome survivor’s guilt. he’s responsible for the years of those kids’ lives they would almost undoubtedly all consider the best of their childhoods. “what kind of happiness has he given them?” a whole damn lot, frankly.

kiryu never goes back to deal with shit in the tojo clan fully voluntarily. it’s basically always because something is threatening the orphanage and the kids’ wellbeing, or because there are people he cares about in the clan, which makes for a lot of potential issues but– considering he’s not heartless and can’t just turn off the bonds he has with certain people– can’t be avoided, considering the closest people he had to family were yakuza/yakuza-adjacent, and cutting all of them (that he has left) off completely isn’t as easy as you make it seem. when daigo– who’s like a son to him in his own right– gets shot and very nearly dies in y3, no shit he’s gonna be concerned. and he’s deeply conflicted at first on what to do (or not do) about it. it’s really really really not as black and white as him being a good person or a bad person for being dragged back into clan ordeals– much of the time it’s not his fault at all. by all accounts he feels guilty and horrible for his past endangering the kids, and it’s a HUGE recurring theme/conflict that contributes heavily to his distancing in y5, and further distancing in y6.

HOWEVER. he has absolutely made some iffy choices and I’d never say he’s a perfect parent. for one, I definitely think haruka was allowed to be more parentified than she should’ve been– he needed the extra help, considering one adult raising that many kids isn’t easy, but he should’ve gotten that help via employing another adult (I was hoping mikiyo from y3 would do this, but he doesn’t get mentioned after y3 for whatever reason sadly), not relying on her for more responsibility than a kid should have.

moreover, despite her parentification, there’s several times where he makes huge decisions for haruka (and the kids in general to some extent) without her input / against her wishes, and recklessly puts himself in grave danger despite having kids who rely on him to take into consideration. it absolutely baffled me at the beginning of y6 to see that there wasn’t any real adult put in kiryu’s place while he was in prison, and that it’d just been the older kids seemingly who acted as caretakers for the household. that was a horrible oversight and I think he should’ve known better– yeah, he didn’t have much time to find someone to fill the role, but he was in contact with haruka and he could’ve had her get help from one of kiryu’s friends to find someone. there were definitely options and I’m not gonna make any excuses there. he’s not infallible, no doubt.

Shit gets really complicated when it comes to him leaving the way he does a number of times. He does it in the hopes that it protects the kids from his past that keeps springing up and endangering their futures, but the issue with this is that BECAUSE he did, in fact, lovingly raise these kids for the most fundamental years of their lives and become their father figure, ripping himself out of their lives can’t be good for them– especially considering they’re orphans who have already had parents ripped from their lives and undoubtedly have abandonment issues as it is. this is terribly complicated and doesn’t have a black or white answer at all– leaving them has the huge emotional repercussions I just mentioned, and staying potentially endangers them and their futures. there is no easy way to slice it, and even the best parent on earth would be torn if put in that scenario.

personally I can’t help but hope he gets to reunite with his family, as I know they’d want that as much as he would; but it’s for the best at this point that they don’t have to fully rely on him and him alone. kiryu needs other adults to lean on in his life, and so do the kids. I think the kids are capable of this– of building new bonds and broader support systems– but kiryu has got a ways to go.