#january 1st is rough for personal reasons but. im trying to stay hopeful

[houseofwolvess]

we've hit the final hour of 2023 in our timezone............

[jsmnutami]

annyeong, twenty-five

If life is a school and we all are indeed a long-live learner, I’m pretty sure I was a model student from class of 24-years-old me. So many subjects to learn, so many new classes, yes I struggled up here and there but hi, I survived well with uncounted lesson taken. Here’s my note on what I’ve learned throughout last year;

One time’s isn’t always a charm

I used to judge things based on first impression and that impression stayed forever. New people, new places, new condition, and all the things new. This year I’ve learned to never let your first impression ruin your relationship with the person/things. Things may have a rough start, but doesn’t mean it would be bad for the rest of the time. Give it some time, open your heart, and maybe, your judgement will change. Not everyone makes a good first impression you know?

If you never try, you’ll never know

The old me was so afraid of failing that I wouldn’t dare to give it a try. This year I’ve learned that the disappointment of failing, is better than the disappointment  of not trying. For whatever it is, be stoic. Give your best, and let God do the rest.

“What if I fall?”

“But---what if you fly?”

Allah does not burden a soul except with that within its limit (2:286)

Talk about cov-19, last year was hard. Dealt with 1st wave around jan-feb and then 2nd wave around june, I lost my mind several times. In January, I have to worked a month without a day off and constantly told bad news over bad news in every shift. If you’ve seen death almost everyday of your life for a month++, its hard to keep being sane. And the waves surged again ini June. I have to worked 3 weeks straight without a day off again. Witnessed death everyday, again. I lost count of how many times I actually crying at the hospital bathroom after a shift, let alone crying at my room when I went home. Those situation couldn’t be more depressing.....but hi, I’ve survived well.

You are stronger and more capable of things more than you give yourself credits

Again with the work thing. My work hours were crazy and the workloads were almost unbearable. I feel like slowly loosing myself due to work. Im constantly exhausted and feeling like my personal and social life being taken. As an extroverted person and lagom at heart, that was sucks. I thought about resigning a lot, but I know at heart I’m not a quitter, so I did the best that I could and I’ve survived. Guess we are stronger than we thought we are.

Comparing yourself with others is the most powerful form of self destruction

It’s alright to stop There’s no need to run without even knowing the reason It’s alright to not have a dream If you have moments where you feel happiness for a while It’s alright to stop

BTS - 낙원 (Paradise) 

What’s easy is right

When it came to love and finding the right person, I might not be the person you should asked for an advice. Old me kept making questionable decision over indecisive action in my past relationship & dating life and it left me with a long-term trauma that I thought I’ll never recover. I doubt my ability to choose what's best for me just because....I don't really know what's best for me anymore, what I want, what I like; I'm clueless. 

Then there is this person, he was my high school friend. I only know him at a first name basis and that’s it. We got closer around September last year, and because he lives in another city, we got to know each other mostly thru chat or phone call. After several months of back-and-forth moments with him, I realized one thing that I never had in all of my previous relationship; this....feels easy. 

This is the first relationship that I could be myself completely without the fear of being left if I showed him the real me (and God, the real me is hard to deal with).  The first relationship I feel supportive, the “I got you back” that I always longing to find but never have until now. The first relationship that makes me love myself and appreciate myself more. He is my boyfriend, best friend, brother, and partner. Thats when I’ve learned that what's easy is right. 

Self-love is a journey

The highlight of 24 years old me was my journey of self-love. There goes a saying “tak kenal maka tak sayang” so, I started with get to know myself better. It was hard dug deep into the hole of your true self, understanding your map of soul and faced the darkest and ugliest of you. Denial here denial there, but once you get to know yourself, things got a bit easier. Though I’ve been in this journey for a year now, there’s so much I should learn. I’ve learned that self-love is a journey. You might hit a bumps or road blocks, a step back is okay, but you don’t give up on the journey right?

Annyeong, twenty five years old me

There’s so much of a future waits for you. Some of it may not be easy, some of it will make you loose your mind, and some of it will make you fall into a hole of depression and anxiety. It’s okay, just remember there’s always a silver lining behind every cloud. I hope you could be more stable, emotionally and mentally. I hope you care more about what's matter and the hell with others opinion. I hope you can love yourself harder. I hope you’re growing wiser and calmer. I hope you find what you really want in life. I hope you find serenity and contentment that you’ve been waiting for. 

Annyeong, twenty five years old me

fighting~!!