#i thought why not throw it back to the title of the very first ep and combine it with the title of the last ep

[marymekpop]

you and I, the intersection & union of two universes  

[yujeong]

(My) Top 5 VegasPete scenes

Listen. Listen. I'm surely not being original here. I'm certain this post has been made before, especially closer to the show airing, but I wasn't here then, and the spoons for such a post came right now, so I'm doing it now. Now, a warning: my choices will make you question my sanity. They will make you wonder wtf is wrong with me for *not* including specific scenes. They will make you question my VP taste in general. I know, I do too all the time, but the thing is, I have *reasons* for every single one being here and I will thoroughly explain, and if you're still baffled, I get it, I am too, but the brainrot works in mysterious ways. So, let's go (very long post incoming):

No5: The pool scene - Episode 14

LOOK, I COULDN'T NOT INCLUDE THIS SCENE OK? I'M NOT THAT STUPID (Pls don't kill me for not putting it higher, I know, it's a crime, I know-). Fun fact: I had seen a screenshot of the point in which Pete says he's hungry, before watching the VP arc, and I deadass thought it was fan subtitles, like a joke, a meme, SOMETHING other than what he ACTUALLY said. It was very funny when I found out the truth. God, this scene is heart-wrenching for all the right reasons. It had everything I could ever ask for and more I didn't even know I needed. I think my No1 reason for loving this scene so much is Pete's desperation to save Vegas and all the ways he showed it. To explain, we have: - him coming to find Vegas after resigning from the main family to be with him, - him being physically intimate for the very first time to such a degree (he fucking hugged Vegas from behind, I lost my marbles when I saw it), - him trying so fucking hard to say "I love you" without saying it, because he can't, it's not sth he can say, but holy fuck will he show in SOME way, - him saying he's Vegas' pet while dying a bit inside but it's necessary goddammit, Vegas won't get it otherwise, he won't understand that Pete *needs* him, - him killing the guy who shot Vegas without hesitation. I wholeheartedly believe he'd kill whoever that person was, even Korn himself, and I love it. ALSO, can we talk about the fact that the scene was dead silent, no music, nothing during their talk, then when hope is on the horizon a soft melody plays and then BOOM, Ink comes just as Vegas gets shot and you feel like YOU got shot along with him. I love the title of the piece, and I love how it gives me goosebumps every single time I hear it, and I love how *tragic* it is, because what we're witnessing is a tragedy, and would remain a tragedy if the hospital scene didn't exist. 10/10 writing, I can't believe this scene is real, I can't believe how lucky we are to have witnessed such a moment.

No4: Vegas hits Pete with the belt + tasers him when he escapes + finds him unconscious later - Episode 11

I am aware that I'm cheating with the last scene but I love it a little too much and it's the continuation of the previous one so I'll add it in. Ok, firstly, I had to include the scene which inspired me to write my first ever meta post in here, guys, it was essential. Furthermore, one thing you should know about me is that I love - what I like to call - "pre-VP VP", meaning VP interactions up to ep 11 (which is my favorite episode, you'll figure out why as we move through the list). It had everything; it had Pete refusing to eat, throwing his philosophy at Vegas' face, it had Vegas lashing out at Pete in a way he didn't even enjoy (he started shouting as he was hitting him to convince himself he was enjoying this but he wasn't, I'm biting my FIST here), we had Pete using the belt to escape, only for Vegas, the fucking SLUT with the loose shirt showing off his TITS, to follow him outside, we had the tasing and the catching and the soft handling of Pete's body as he fell (he totally carried him back bridal style), we had Vegas believing Pete would laugh at him for what his father did (oh Vegas you moron, he would never laugh at you, if only you saw his face when Gun slapped you), we had Vegas freaking the fuck out at a non-responsive Pete, we had it all folks. I've watched these scenes more times than I can count, they're fucking glorious. And the music too, oh God the music. You'll see me scream about the music a lot here, because it's one of the deciding factors in my preferences, so I have to mention it, just as I did for No5. Unfortunately, Shazam hasn't helped me find the first two pieces used in the scene (when Pete is hit with the belt and when he uses it to escape) but I know of the other two, which are Lost Register and Walking the Distance, which are such perfect titles for Vegas, aren't they? I don't have any intelligent things to say about these scenes, I just love them so fucking much, even though Vegas hitting Pete with the belt makes me flinch, even though Pete gets the worst treatment here (minus the ball roasting I guess), I love them so much, because it's the limit that Vegas surpasses, and the realization he did so was incredibly enjoyable to watch.

No3: Vegas tortures Pete - Episodes 10-11

Yes, I did cheat again but technically the two scenes happen back to back on the same day (it's not the same day, Vegas is wearing a different shirt, but we'll pretend it is okay?) and yes, I did put only Pete screenshots here, look at my name, what do you want from me? When I said I have a deep fascination with "pre-VP VP", this is what I mean people. These two scenes solidified my obsession with this specific dynamic of theirs. Pete was so fucking unhinged and it was the most beautiful thing I have laid my eyes upon. There are too many things to mention, I adore them so much. We have Pete not speaking a single line of dialogue during the scene in ep 10, we have ep 11 and Vegas changing his approach, touching Pete in a sexual way which unnerves Pete but he's still not lost complete control, we have Gun hitting Vegas in front of Pete, with Pete putting the pieces together, we have the fucking phone call to his grandma, which is the thing that makes Pete give up and it's wonderful, because after that we have Pete screaming - I love his screams, I've listened to them on repeat, I have issues - and trembling with pure rage as Vegas toys with him. I've watched these two scenes, both for fic purposes and for my own enjoyment, probably more than 30 times at this point and I loved every single one of them. Btw, can we pay attention to the fact that the sneaky bastards over at BOC put a slight variation of Stable Delusion during the moment in which Vegas puts his hand inside Pete's underwear? Because I noticed, and I hope you did too. A lot of VP fans said they truly noticed Pete here, which is fair tbh, even though I was a big fan of his from the start. He truly shines in these scenes and seeing this side of him is delicious every single time.

No2: Pete's breakdown - Episode 13

Fuck my whole existence, what am I supposed to even say here? How am I even supposed to touch upon this scene without losing my mind? How do I explain what this scene did to my brain when I watched it, and kept watching it, and never stopped watching it because it's so fucking important to me? Pff, whatever, let me try. I'll mostly use the music playing throughout the scene to help me describe my feelings about it. The scene basically starts with both Vegas and Pete being lost and miserable, each one for different but interlaying reasons. The music accompanying the scene is called Unspoken, because neither can really say outright what's bothering them, because they're hanging by a thread and it's so, so good. It's heavy and painful and it creates this uneasy feeling in your stomach, accompanied by the visuals. It goes on, until it stops, right as Vegas says "Isn't my fucking life like this because of them?", because of course it does, Vegas is one second away from snapping at Pete, but Pete doesn't hesitate, he says to Vegas the harsh truth: "It's your choice." And then, Vegas drops the noodles - Pete's food, Pete's nourishment - on the floor, and the music playing is called Calculating Catastrophe, which I *only just discovered* and I want to pull my hair out. The dream is gone, no more afterglow, only misery, because Vegas can't handle the truth, because Pete can't handle the lie, because it's all crushing down and Pete can do nothing about it but accept it, accept Vegas' cruelty, accept the knife in his throat. He's waiting to die, he says it, he grabs Vegas' wrist and then, only when he says he doesn't even have his humanity left, does the music resume playing, the OST called This Creed, just as Pete tells Vegas - tells us, the audience - what his "set of beliefs which guide his actions" is, and both Vegas and us watching are dumbfounded, we're as scared for what Pete might do as Vegas is, and it's so painful and so beautiful to witness. The music stops again as Vegas says "No" to Pete being just a pet, and both him and us are breathing a hesitant shy of relief, only for Pete to snap again, to scream at Vegas while showing his handcuffed wrist, to ask "what the fuck is this then?" and the music playing compliments this moment brilliantly, because it's called Absent Cognition and it's a 10/10 fit. And the most brilliant thing here is how they're BOTH HAVING A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CONVERSATION. They're talking past each other and Pete knows, he knows Vegas is stuck on his delusions because he can't do otherwise, he can't, it'll destroy him, but Pete himself also can't do this anymore, he can't stay, he has to go, "I'm sorry, Vegas, I'm sorry" (relevant post to this point specifically because I have lost my mind over it in the past). God, this scene is sosososososo good and so them, and I can't stop watching it, I can't get it out of my head. It's utterly stunning and I love it.

No1: The pill kiss/VP's talk - Episode 11

Ok. I am not normal when it comes to this scene. I have based my entire fucking personality around it since 2022. It makes me emotional every time I rewatch it, it gives me goosebumps just remembering its existence. It's because this scene is the shift in their relationship. It's them finally looking at each other in the eye and truly seeing each other. It's a promise in the shape of a pill, it's a revelation, it's rebirth. Vegas being gentle with Pete for the first time shifted something in me, as it did in Pete himself. Vegas is fighting it a bit at first; he says "Take it" to Pete harshly, demanding Pete take the pill, but when Pete rejects him, his tone gets softer. It almost sounds like begging to me and it's so powerful. Oh Bible, the delivery of some lines feel like a slap across the face, thank you. Little House on the Hill starts playing as Vegas lowers his body and puts the pill into Pete's mouth through a kiss. Even the title of the song is softer, their own little world in a little house, as they're coming closer through a promise that ended up not being kept: I can be gentle with you too. Please take the nourishment I'm giving you. And then he gets up, and sits on the floor, and the show literally gives us VP being on equal ground for the first time, truly equal: both battered and broken and looking at each other. And they talk, and Vegas starts opening up already after Pete asks him what happened, and then A Sky Sparkling starts playing as Pete talks to Vegas about his childhood, about how his father beat him up for losing, and then for winning, and I'm a sobbing mess on the floor at this point. (A Sky Sparkling = Vegas' worldview changing, gaining light, a new perspective. Fuck the titles of these songs have ruined me.) You'd think I'd have the most words about my all-time favorite VP scene, but I'm afraid that's not the case. I'm speechless. It'd given me such a visceral reaction that I simply don't know how to explain myself anymore. All I know is that I'll never get tired of watching it, of thinking about it, of analyzing it in my head. It's everything to me. I love VegasPete so much. At the end of this super long post, that's all I can say.

[delirium-reflection]

Untitled - seven year gap

Title: untitled

Pairing: Alastor x Vox

Word count: 2067

Warnings: body horror, Canon typical violence and language

Summary: Alastor comes to investigate an injured and bitter Vox.

Notes: Written for radiostaticweek. Late, naturally. Self-edited but likely contains mistakes. We are very tired today. Formatting is questionable. Our favorite thing is tsundere boys being difficult to one another. Enjoy and thanks.

The thing before him wasn't Vox.

Not anymore. The creature was a pulsating, neon mass of wiring and cables haphazardly wrapped around a limber humanoid body. It reminded Alastor of a mound of snakes he found when he was a child in the mortal realm. Each individual PVC cable seemed to have a liveliness of its own, twisting and winding itself into knots among it's siblings.

Vox, what was left of him, was comatose inside the roost of cables. The only real proof he was in the ball of snakes was that occasionally the wires would reveal a small piece of their prize. An arm, a blank and broken screen… swiftly appearing and disappearing.

It was only curiosity that first brought Alastor to this place. What was the ruin of the Vs Tower. It was hastily abandoned weeks ago by it's employees and two remaining overlords. No one in Voxtek was forthcoming on exactly what had happened. Why did they abandon their home and their business associates? Perhaps they thought Vox was dead, after Alastor witnessed the building he imagined that was an easy assumption to make. It wasn't until Alastor heard a rumor that some of the employees of Voxtek found themselves still under contract that Alastor came to investigate. Vox had to be alive if his contracted workers still belonged to him.

But upon entering the building, with great difficulty in no small part to the overflowing cables spilling from it, he wondered exactly what kind of life remained. Alastor was merely curious, he didn't owe anything else to the TV demon. Certainly didn't care if he was gone. This wellness checkup was more concern in case whatever was happening to Vox was dangerous to the rest of Hell. Or his own plans.

“I can't say I like what you've done with the place.” Alastor's voice echoed off the wall of the broken room. The walls were covered in glowing azure cables just like the mass surrounding Vox. He didn't expect an answer. Rather he didn't want one. But something about the eerie room bothered the Radio Demon. His hackles rose with each undulating movement of the cable ball.

A crackled sound ripped through the room, seemingly a response to Alastor. Or perhaps whatever was in the room was finally acknowledging his presence. The sound was a combination of metal scraping against metal and raw electric current surging. It was followed by intense silence.

Alastor's ears perked up, waiting for any other signs of life. Nothing came so he stepped forward. The intensity flickered rapidly within the cables around the room, a softer electrical sound buzzing through the air.

A voice distorted beyond comprehension, inordinately loud tore through the room. It didn't seem to have an origin point, not one Alastor could locate. A light filtered through the area, behind the mass of cables, from a half-concealed screen on the back wall.

《WARNING! AN ERROR HAS OCCURRED WITH THIS SMART TV. DEFECTIVE SOFTWARE DETECTED. RESET TO FACTORY DEFAULT.》

《FAILED TO UNINSTALL.》

《LAUNCHING SAFE MODE.》

《RECOMMENDED ACTION(S): MANUEL RESET…

The words continued on until the bottom of the screen, or at least as far as Alastor could see. Alastor didn't know what most of that meant, but it didn't seem beneficial to Vox's situation.

“KA- KA-ka-C-Coward!” The same origin-less voice roared, this time understandable past the distortion.

“Oh? He speaks.” Alastor's eats flattened against his skull, hearing something rustle in the darkness, “Throwing out accusations already?”

“Ka-KA creeping up-p-p oh-n s-s-someone in IN -n-n thei-ir sah-sleep-ep-ep?” The rustling sound, Alastor noticed was the collective shifting of the cables surrounding Vox. The snakes parted way until the blank flat-screen of Vox's poked through.

“Is that what you call of all this? Sleeping.” Alastor gestured to the room with a click of his tongue, casually pulling out his staff and leaning on it.

“Y-y… -es.” Vox's pitch screen and level voice not holding any of his usual charisma.

“It's been two weeks.” Alastor sighed knowingly, tilting his head to one side. That seemed to spark a reaction from the hollow screen. “One would think you're under the weather. Staying in bed for so long.”

With a shaky flicker Vox's face finally lit up on the screen, right eye wide and swirling with hypnotic power, “An-nd you've c-come to take advantage of that?”

The voice that seemed to come from everywhere shrank to simply come from Vox's monitor.

“Y-y-you are sa-sa-sadly mist-tay-can if you thin-k-k I won't be able to des-tro-y-y you even n-n-” A toothy, deranged grin painting his screen as he watched Alastor closely.

Instantaneously around the room the cables leapt to life, a singular goal to reach the Radio Demon. The wiring sparking with torrid voltage as it spilled like a wave of PVC at the offending demon. Some of the wiring lashing, others trying to enfold the Radio Demon. Alastor sprang to life himself, twisting and dodging to avoid the glowing cords that chaotically seethed around him. Aside from the seer number of the cables it was an easy task for him. But he knew it was a war of attrition Vox was playing.

It wasn't long until one of the tethers found purchase, wrapping around Alastor's right arm. A sudden sting of electric current run through the Radio Demon's limb, it wasn't until he was able to break free that he realized he was bleeding. Droplets of crimson soaking into his jacket as if he'd been stabbed by a dozen needles in a pattern where the cable had been. He was able to catch a glance at the fleeing cable, the one that he'd escaped from. It was just like the others except that now the PVC casing was broken and pieces of sharp copper wiring were peaking through.

Alastor had no second to ponder his discovery before another assault. Two more cables catching him, one on the left leg just below the knee and the other on the same injured arm. The protruding metal biting into his skin, even through the clothes. Much to the Radio Demon's discomfort he watch the rubber covering of the wires peel away of their own volition. The sting of the copper in his skin pushed to a new level of agony as he realized the wire was attempting to burrow into his flesh.

The two cables were rapidly joined by others, latching into a stunned Alastor. One wrapped around his neck, breaking the skin as it hastily began to pry skin apart in a deprived invasion.

“F-fuck!” Alastor gasped as the wires pierced into his throat so much he swore he could taste the metal. “V-Vox! S-top!”

In no universe did Alastor think simply commanding the other demon would bring any results. But it did. The cables seized up rigidly as if the words spoken had a magical effect on them.

“W-what if I-I don't want to, Ala-stor?” This time the Radio Demon swore he heard more of the other's sardonic personality peeking through. “W-what if I-I wa-wa-want to do this?”

The wires suddenly began to slide into Alastor's flesh, a threat by the TV Demon. Alastor closed his eyes, refusing to cry out, and grit his teeth.

“You…Y-you You wouldn't be-e a-ble t-t-t run away again. W-would you?” Vox cackled darkly, a sound that seemed to resonate inside like he was at the bottom of a metal drum. “N-no, I d-d-don't think you would.”

Alastor was searching his options internally. In a bid for time he decided to press conversation with the mad demon, “You're not still tore up about that are you, old pal?”

The wires quivered inside of his flesh as if he could feel Vox's anger swelling. Perhaps provoking the other wasn't the best of plans either. “S-seven ye-ears! Yo-u son-n-of-f a b-bitch!”

Alastor could free himself, the television-faced demon was weak–he had been the entire encounter–but if he did the mystery of ‘how this happened’ would be unsolved. What would happen of Alastor simply phased out of the room and never looked back? If he retreated back to the Hotel's radio tower to lick his wounds he might not ever understand.

Vox's eyes bore into Alastor with indifference as the cables pushed inside flesh to their limit. Becoming brittle and thin at the base they began to break off into the skin like the barbs of a porcupine. The copper lodged deep side Alastor's flesh stung like an infected wound, reddened and irritated. The cable, spent of it's internal wiring dropped away from Alastor's arm all together, no longer able to cause him harm. Several more of the empty cable shells fell away from Alastor's skin, disappearing into the dark depths of the floor.

“S-so… why bother-r s-s-showing up here… now-w–w? T-to bother me-e?”

“Mere curiosity.” Alastor quickly replied, feeling the cables shift below him agitatedly. The cables writhed on the floor around him, whipping around as if they were a dozen angry eels.

“L-liar.” Vox's face shifted on the screen, the grin faltering into a scrutinizing frown. “Selfish-h prick-k. W-we are are are t-t-the same, don't-t act like-e you you are so h-hard to understand.”

Alastor said nothing. He didn't know what Vox's point was. The statement lead too many places, too many ways to be misinterpreted. It would feel like a confession, of sorts, no matter what he replied with. Silence was better.

How were they alike? Conniving and calculating, always trying to manipulate the world around them into what they needed it to be. Curious to a fault, unable to stand a mystery, and needing to know all the answers. Paranoid–-even if there was no proof--thinking those around them were planning treachery. Pathetic creatures who wouldn't trust anyone because they knew no one could (or should) trust them.

“Y-y-you only exist t-to be-e beheld.” The words slid out into the silence of the room like a knife in the throat. Cutting straight to the point with unusual clarity.

“Flattering! A fancy way to say we are both attention-whores.” Alastor rolled his eyes, painfully crossing his bleeding arms across his chest.

An unexpected, hardy laugh came from the other. Like a dam breaking on the tension in the room, “I-I don't-t hear… d-denial. Narci-i-issistic bastard.”

“Egocentric jackass.” Alastor returned cooly, his grin increasing as looked directly into Vox's eyes.

“Self-f-f-centered di-ick.”

“Miserable��”

“S-Stay.” Vox blurted curtly, once again slicing to the meaty heart of their banter. It was jarring to hear something so open and vulnerable from a creature that did none of that.

He wasn't playing fair, Alastor thought with a sigh. There were rules of engagement to be followed.

“S-stay and I-I… will-l s-see you.”

“Stay and you will exist.” Alastor meant it as mockery. But as soon as the words left his mouth he realized how right they sounded. Symbiotic parasites. It could be mistaken for affection. Alastor didn't know if he could be affectionate. Probably shouldn't be to the likes of Vox the TV Demon.

“How long?” Alastor canted his head, studying Vox's face from the mess of cables. “I'm a busy demon.”

“N-not sure-e. I've-e been s-sifting th-thr-through my network-k to find-d the p-prob-lem. C-could to-tolerate y-your-r company.” Vox scoffed, a shot of red staining his cheeks as he averted his eyes downward. “A-a another week or or s-o.”

Alastor sighed, making a gesture of annoyance as he abruptly began to search the floor for a place to sit. He collapsed down on a heavily corded bundle of cables that looked sturdy enough to support his weight. “I would ask you to shake on it but I have a feeling you can't move your arms.”

“...I-I can still -ka-kick your ass-s e-even if I couldn't-t.” Vox softly retorted, his flushed screen brightening to an azure glow. “D-don't expe-ect gratitude.”

Alastor felt the brush of a cable, slithering against his fingertips. The same wires that had just caused him to bleed out profusely were now gently pushing against his hand. Wrapping around his finger tenderly as if they were afraid to touch him too tightly, the cables acted like he was suddenly breakable. Alastor let the cable slip into his palm until it rested there. Curling his fingers over the cord as if it were Vox's hand, “I wouldn't dream of it, old pal.”

For someone who's waited seven years Alastor decided he might be able to spare a week or so.

[necnnights]

In which Hwajung hears something familiar.

FEATURING: Go Hwajung, Choi Eunbyul, Yoon Mingeun

SETTING: October 2023

WORD COUNT: 2.1k

MINGEUN, 7:18 AM: you might like this [link]

It’s turned into something of a joke between them, to send each other music the other person may or may not like. Hwajung listens to bits and pieces of Mingeun’s suggestions, which tend to be all the newest kpop releases. This one is no different. She looks at the album cover: a close-up of a bright green guitar with the album’s title, ROCKST★R, faux-scratched into its side, and rolls her eyes.

MINGEUN, 7:19 AM: have you met jaesun yet?

She hasn’t. She’s only heard the name tossed around and seen a rather pathetic-looking guy who carries himself like he’s the only person in the world around the company.

HWAJUNG, 7:19 AM: i haven’t

She wonders what he has to do with anything, and then she opens the Melon link to see ROCKST★R: The Second Mini Album by Hwang Jaesun, released yesterday. Leave it to Mingeun to be so attuned to current events. She should do the same, because they’re labelmates, but Hwajung has only listened to two Fable albums ever. 

MINGEUN, 7:19 AM: i’ll get jaeseop to introduce you one day MINGEUN, 7:20 AM: you should listen to the album. it reminds me of you. i think you’d really like it ❤️

Against her better judgment, Hwajung presses play. She has very low expectations. It has to be a mass-produced take on rock, something boring and uninspired. She doesn’t bother with her headphones, just rolls over in bed and increases the volume on her phone. It’s more or less what she expects. There’s a bit of guitar. The tinkling of hi-hats. The general structure of a kpop song: verse to pre-chorus to chorus, all of that over again, a completely unnecessary rap section that passes for a bridge. Somehow, she makes it through all three minutes and twenty-eight seconds of the song. She glances at the total runtime. Five songs, fifteen minutes and forty-nine seconds. Fine, by all counts and measures. Hwajung’s only uncertainty is that she doesn’t want to spend fifteen minutes of her time with this album.

By then, she’s almost a minute into the second song. This one is better than the first, something she can see herself listening to again. The thought is surprising.

HWAJUNG, 7:24 AM: i’ll let you know MINGEUN, 7:24 AM: [sticker]

She sorts through the rest of her messages as the song continues. She assures Aerin that they’re working on the new music for their next Korean EP. Hwajung wants it to be a full length album, but they’re running out of time. She ignores Taein’s message that reads something similar. She thumb-ups Yumi’s message in the group chat about throwing out their month-old vegetables, and wonders why they didn’t do that sooner.

Then the third song starts, and Hwajung is struck by the strangest sense of deja vu. The song sounds so familiar, that if she was a betting woman, she’d put money on having heard it before. The only problem is that it doesn't make any sense. The song was released yesterday. Hwajung has never met Jaesun, much less listened to his music before public release. She frowns, reaching for the headphones on her nightstand. She rewinds back and forth through the song, the sound fuller through her headphones than her phone speakers. The drum fills remind her, oddly enough, of herself. It does have its original points: the lyrics, the second verse replaced by another rap verse. Yet something about the melody sounds increasingly familiar to her.

Hwajung pauses the song to look through its credits: composed by someone named SEOUL’D OUT. She checks through the other tracks. Everything is the same. Lyrics by SEOUL’D OUT and occasionally Hwang Jaesun, music by SEOUL’D OUT. She taps the hyperlink in the producer’s name. Their only credits are on songs by Jaesun, who has two EPs, a fact previously unknown to Hwajung. She’s currently listening to his second.

She continues her research, though there isn’t much to research. She discovers two Naver forum threads asking who he is, from people she assumes are Jaesun’s fans. They come to nothing conclusive, just a sentiment that the producer must be very private and secretive. She briefly considers that it could be Jaesun himself. That doesn’t make much sense when he’s credited as a lyricist under his own name. She skims through a few of Jaesun’s interviews and eventually comes across a video where he briefly mentions it.

The Jaesun on her phone screen sits across from the interviewer and says, “SEOUL’D OUT? He’s a friend of mine. I wouldn’t be here without him. Thanks, hyung!” He makes a heart over his head and Hwajung has to pause the video before she throws up.

That’s it. She presses play on the music again, then texts Mingeun.

HWAJUNG, 7:40 AM: do you know who jaesun’s producer is?

He doesn’t respond immediately. The fourth song starts, and this too, reeks of familiarity. The only other conclusion Hwajung comes to is plagiarism. But there are no Neon Nights songs that sound exactly like this, nothing other than their oldest material and some never released songs Sungjae wrote. Sungjae. Hwajung sits upright and combs through her hair with her hands. SEOUL’D OUT. A sellout. Going from an indie rock band to pop music writer would do that to Sungjae. He’s from Seoul. She wonders why it took her four songs to connect the dots.

MINGEUN, 7:42 AM: some friend of his. why? you wanna steal him for neon nights? HWAJUNG, 7:42 AM: can you come over? you might think i’m crazy for this. MINGEUN, 7:42 AM: [sticker] MINGEUN, 7:43 AM: fifteen minutes

She skips to the fifth song, and is almost certain she’s right. If she listened to the album all over again, with the thought in her head, she’d hear him on every track. Hwajung is sure of it. The more she thinks about it, the more she finds Sungjae’s fingerprints all over it. She can’t believe she didn’t see this from the beginning.

Hwajung hurries to brush her teeth and put on a nicer shirt and wipe the sleep from her eyes. She sticks her head out of the bathroom to catalog the shoes near the door. Only Eunbyul’s Converse are there, thankfully.

She knocks on Eunbyul’s bedroom door, because she knows Sungjae almost as well as Hwajung does. Eunbyul opens the door, looking like she just woke up.

“I need you to listen to this and tell me what you think,” Hwajung says around the toothbrush in her mouth. She thrusts her phone screen in Eunbyul’s direction.

Eunbyul squints at it. “ROCKST★R? Jaesun’s new album?”

Hwajung takes the toothbrush out of her mouth. “You know him?”

“Not well.” She shrugs. “What’s so urgent?”

“Just listen to it,” Hwajung says. “Mingeun’s going to be here soon.”

MINGEUN, 8:00 AM: here

The three of them sit in the kitchen while Jaesun’s album plays off Eunbyul’s phone. 

Eunbyul speaks first. “It’s not a bad album. Was I supposed to hear something specific?”

Hwajung can’t keep it in anymore, so she says, “It sounds like something Sungjae would write.”

Her words are met with silence, until Mingeun says, “Your piece of shit brother? How would Jaesun know him?”

Hwajung throws her hands up in the air. “I don’t know. It sounds like him to me and the producer of Jaesun’s album doesn’t write for anyone else. His name is SEOUL’D OUT.” She turns to Eunbyul. “Sungjae would consider himself a sellout.”

“That doesn’t mean this person is him,” Eunbyul argues. “Seoul is a big city. There are lots of other failed rock or rap or hip-hop musicians who might consider themselves sellouts if they wrote pop music.”

“It feels like him,” Hwajung insists, knowing she sounds irrational. She also knows that Sungjae still thinks he was unfairly forced out of the band and spends much of his time hypercritical and in disagreement with her musical direction. She wouldn’t put it past him to try and worm himself back into Taein’s good graces and maybe the band.

Mingeun slides off his seat and begins to pace around the kitchen. “Let’s say this is him. What would he gain from being Jaesun’s dedicated producer? And how do they know each other?”

“Sungjae never wanted to leave the band,” Eunbyul says. “He’s probably still upset. I don’t see him ever getting over it. He tried to write music for your group a few years ago. I think Taein-nim turned him down every time he tried.”

“He did?” Mingeun asks in surprise.

Hwajung stares at him until he adds, “I’m glad Taein-nim kept telling him no. I wonder what’s different with Jaesun.”

“That doesn’t matter,” Hwajung cuts in. “What do I do about this?”

“Nothing,” Eunbyul says. Hwajung stares at her too. “What do you think you’re going to do about this? Demand the two of them stop working together? They could really be friends.”

That line of reasoning doesn’t make sense to her. How could Sungjae, who rarely goes out and rarely went out, except for school and to hang out with his little clique of pretentious composers, just happen to be friends with the newest artist at her company? She’s sure there’s something else going on. Maybe they’re both part of it, some conspiracy to bring her down. 

“It’s not that simple. It can’t be,” Hwajung says, teetering on the edge of conspiracy theorism.

Eunbyul glances at Mingeun, and asks, “Has Hwajung ever told you how we signed with Taein-nim?”

She has not. Mingeun pauses his pacing to think for a second, and shakes his head.

Hwajung sighs, because she really doesn’t think it’s necessary. “He found us at the Pentaport Rock Festival in 2017. This was before Eden and Qiuyun, when Sungjae and our old keyboardist, Myunghoon, were still in the band. When he approached us, we thought it meant all of us. Doesn’t that make sense? We were under a small label, and he promised us more. 

“Then we learned he wanted to make an idol band, and he only wanted to sign half of us so that we’d be a single-gender group, because that sells better. Sungjae was our frontman and primary songwriter. He did a lot of the negotiation up until that point. Taein-nim probably assumed it would be him and Myunghoon, and left it up to us to find him. He was shocked when the three of us showed up instead.”

Hwajung smiles at the memory. She’s never done anything that had Taein so surprised and upset and disappointed at the same time again. “He almost broke his promise. I don’t know why he had to go and add Eden and Qiuyun. We would have done well without them.”

She shakes herself out of the reverie. “That’s how Sungjae left. He hasn’t done anything else related to the band in years. This has to be him. He wants something from me. From us.”

Mingeun stops pacing and folds his arms over his chest. “Are you feeling okay? Sleeping okay?”

Hwajung spins in her seat so she can face him head-on. “You think I’m losing it. Seeing—hearing—something that doesn’t exist.”

“You admitted it in your text,” he says, raising his voice to match hers. “What am I supposed to think, when you say shit like that?”

“You started it,” Hwajung says pettily. “I wouldn’t have listened to it if you didn’t recommend it. Maybe it reminds you of me because it’s my fucking brother writing the fucking songs.”

“Ask him about it,” Eunbyul interrupts.

To be honest, the thought never occurred to her. She thinks about it for a moment, and then says, “What if he lies? This is clearly an alias. He wouldn’t admit it to me. You ask him, unnie.”

Eunbyul frowns. “He’s your brother. I haven’t spoken to him in years.”

“I haven’t spoken to him in three months,” Hwajung says.

“He’s your brother,” Mingeun repeats, pacing again. 

They both have decent relationships with their siblings. They don’t understand the rivalry and competition that has always existed between Hwajung and Sungjae, spurred on by their parents, that has always prevented them from getting along like siblings should or the so-called twin telepathy.

Hwajung scowls. “Fine.”

She thinks about it for a moment, composing the perfect message in her head. It’s too plain and simple to accuse Sungjae of… something. She doesn’t know what he’s trying to do, and she’s tired of guessing. At long last, Hwajung picks up her phone again and sends her brother a text.

HWAJUNG, 8:32 AM: you’re not a sellout

[historicalasiandramas]

CLJ Recaps

We start off the ep strong with Changheng getting captured, stripped of his title, and sentenced to imprisonment in Haotian Tower. I really liked seeing this side of Changheng where he didn't try to hide his feelings! He very clearly stated that he refused to turn back and that he was acting out of love for Orchid.

"I just want to save the person I love. What's wrong with that?!" He demands.

I don't support prisons in general but, like, throwing your own brother into Haotian Tower simply for wanting to save the woman he loves seems like overkill. His betrothed has been missing for 30,000 years at this point. I know it's Plot Important that CH has to stay engaged to her, but like maybe after the first 5,000 years Yunzhong could've been like "nm, just marry whomever you want."

At Silent Moon Palace, Shangque finds Jieli wandering around in the middle of the night. He discovers that, like him, she was also an orphan. She tells him how she drugged the people taking care of her in order to escape.

Shangque relates to this and says that the people pretending to be kind to him only wanted his dragon skin & bones to use as medicine. Fortunately, DFQC saved him!

After being deceived by humans, Shangque decided he didn't want to become that kind of person. Jieli literally laughs in his face after hearing that. She calls him stupid and says that everyone will trample on his sincerity. Shanque calls her cold-blooded. Jieli agrees.

Unlike SQ, no one came to save Jieli. "I've been saving myself since I was a kid." She doesn't trust others and prefers to cheat them first before being cheated herself. In Jieli's mind the only important things in the world are her life and money.

Shangque jumps to his feet in anger. He says she's wrong and ridiculous for thinking like that. Jieli leaps to her feet and throws the accusation back at him. SQ has had enough and orders Jieli to return to her quarters.

In Haishi City, Ronghao is so lost in thought that he doesn't even hear Die Yi approach.

He's stunning, he's cunning, he's my devious darling! At the very end of this episode I was like, "Oh he's evil, evil. Good for him!" On this blog we stan characters who love fiercely and to the point of world destruction!!

He asks Die Yi about Jieli, and she reports that the shopkeeper has escaped to Silent Moon Palace. Die Yi has stationed someone to be on the lookout for her, and the moment Jieli leaves, she'll be apprehended.

We switch back to Orchid and Jieli, planning to escape Silent Moon Palace.

For some reason, Jieli has the Heart Hidden Hairpin. It allows the wearer to store their emotions in the pin and be undetected. Other than the You Jade Ring, it's the only item in the three realms with this power.

According to legend, the Moon Tribe was betrayed by the fairies and expelled. Yannv, the ancestor of the Moon Tribe was in love with Chonghua, the first fairy. She created this pin so that he wouldn't have to feel her feelings.

INTERESTING! So that's why Moon Tribe people and fairies are forbidden from marrying. I'm sure that theme will not come back to bite us later :)))

Jieli agrees to lend it to Orchid in exchange for help escaping the palace. Since no one is allowed to stop Orchid, she's easily able to get to the Jade Forest. Unfortunately for them, Die Yi is waiting for them.

I am so obsessed with her. She is the moment and also my fave female character.

Die Yi also has the most unsettling theme. It reminds me both of an angry swarm of hornets and a cobra ready to strike at the same time. Orchid recognizes her from Haishi City and gives Jieli the bone orchid bracelet. With nothing left to protect herself with, Orchid stands between Die Yi and declares that she should be the one Die Yi wants.

The Heart Hidden Pin glows, storing Orchid's fear and blocking Moon Supreme from feeling it. Good thing the One Heart Curse isn't just linked emotions: it's physical, too! DFQC stops in his tracks as a bloody welt appears where Orchid was hit by Die Yi's whip.

JL has apparently run straight back to the palace and begs DFQC to save Orchid. She seems to realize the danger she's in and tries to remove the hairpin, but isn't fast enough. Die Yi knocks Orchid to the ground, making her drop the Destiny Book.

Die Yi notices it immediately and goes in for the kill, but her whip is literally disintegrated. Both Orchid and I were excited to see DFQC, only it's not him! It's Changheng! Orchid only has enough strength to say his name before passing out.

She wakes up and immediately begins apologizing, but CH only smiles and reminds Orchid of his promise to bring her back to Shuiyuntian. Orchid is too shocked to believe it and looks around.

Tbh so much happened since the beginning of the ep that I forgot that the last time we saw CH, he was captured and sentenced to incarceration. Like Orchid, I was fooled! She doesn't have time to be happy though, because she remembers dropping the Destiny Book. Good thing Changheng picked it up!

Orchid asks CH to check the Destiny Book to determine why it's so important. Who does it belong to and why do both DFQC and Haishi City want it?

He says that it's been damaged and that he can't get a read on it. In order to find out, they'll have to fix it. This time, Orchid readily agrees to do it, but CH says that she got hurt and should rest first. Orchid is determined to prove herself though.

Orchid gets started on fixing the Destiny Book and Changheng leaves. The camera zooms in on him making a sinister expression and that's when I was like "OHHH. Damn." It's all fake! Always has been! After emerging from the fabricated fairy realm, Die Yi asks her master why he bothered disguising himself as Changheng.

Rong Hao says that it was necessary to coax Orchid to willingly fix the book. And he was right! The way he pushed back against Orchid wanting to get started immediately after waking up is exactly what CH would've done. He knows his friend and Orchid well! I'm so obsessed with how Rong Hao observes his surroundings and plays the long game to get what he wants.

And I can already see how he's a narrative foil for DFQC :)

Speak of the devil! Look who's in Haishi City!

Also can we take a moment to admire Rong Hao's fit? The splashes of rainbow, the intricate woven pattern, the gold claws? A QUEER FASHION ICON

Die Yi rushes in to inform him that DFQC has arrived. Rong Hao wasn't expecting him so soon! She says he should leave, but RH is unwilling when everything else is going according to plan. Die Yi goes to stall DFQC, who demands that "she" be released. "I don't know who you mean. There's no one here," Die Yi claims.

Moon Supreme has 0 bullshit tolerance and burns the entire room with his hellfire before Die Yi transforms into a butterfly and escapes. DFQC storms the throne room and quickly finds the "koi pond" that hides Thousand Dreamland. When he enters, DFQC is presented with thousands of facets that all show Orchid fixing the Destiny Book.

RH appears and says that it's an illusion. Simply attacking the facets will only trap Moon Supreme. "You will never find that fairy," he taunts. Darling, moments ago you were panicking that he showed up earlier than expected. I know, I know - presentation is the most important part of being a supervillain.

Meanwhile, Orchid has finished repairing the Book.

While she's wondering why a mortal would be so important, Orchid notices something: her desk in intact. While he was staying at Siming Hall in the past, Orchid told DFQC about the customs in Shuiyuntian.

One festival in particular, The Moon Tribe Slaying Festival, celebrated the victory of the fairies over the Moon Tribe. Every day of the festival, all of Shuiyuntian celebrated Moon Supreme being sealed away. Hearing this enraged DFQC and he slammed his bowl down, breaking the stand on the table.

Orchid now realizes that this Siming Hall isn't real either, and that the man in front of her isn't Changheng. Before handing over the Destiny Book, she decides to test this imposter. She says that he sent fireflies to look for her after he left Cangyan Sea last time. "I was locked up by DFQC and unable to reply. Are you mad at me?" The real CH was badly poisoned by the concentrated evil spirit and wouldn't have had enough power to do that.

But in his impatience, Rong Hao makes a miscalculation. Rather than remember that he was literally by CH's side the entire time he recovered, RH answers that he's not mad, just worried. That is all the answer Orchid needs.

She tries to run but then confronts Rong Hao.

He's impressed that she was able to see through his disguise. He holds her by the throat with magic, demanding the Destiny Book. When she refuses, Rong Hao throws her to the ground.

Congrats! You have activated DFQC's sword!! After scanning all the illusions, DFQC spots the real Orchid and destroys the others in the most badass sequence.

His coming is heralded by thunder, and Orchid exclaims, "It's Dongfang Qincang! He's come to save me!" RH scoffs and says that he's only after the Book. Before RH can leave with it though, he's stopped and cue the electric guitar! Moon Supreme says (again!), "How dare you capture one of my people?"

The miscalculation makes RH panic. How did DFQC find them in such a short amount of time? Rong Hao is detained so Moon Supreme can ask who he is and why he wants the Destiny Book. Rong Hao doesn't answer but the fear in his eyes is palpable.

Before he can be unmasked however, Die Yi appears as a distraction! She makes an attack on Orchid, disrupting DFQC's focus enough for RH to escape. Our heroes then leave themselves, but not before Orchid is reprimanded for running away.

He grabs her and demands why she would do such a thing when she's so weak. If he had been one minute later, she would have died. "You must tell me where you're going, understand?" Orchid says she understands but also seems a bit happy about DFQC's outburst.

He destroys the Cauldron and the snow and fog in Haishi City disappears. With the Soul Transformation Cauldron refining evil spirits every day there was nowhere for the grief and despair of the victims to go. Though I love the jewel tones of the previous Haishi City, this red-toned galaxy is pretty neat!

In order to cheer him up, Orchid presents the repaired Destiny Book. DFQC is curious why she was so quick to do it this time. Of course it was because she thought it was Changheng asking her, which annoys Moon Supreme. Orchid tells him that the reason she was able to see through Rong Hao's illusion is because DFQC broke her wooden stand in the past. "It's something only the two of us know!" D'awww.

Orchid then asks how DFQC was able to find her so quickly amongst the thousands of illusions. He said he'd even be able to find her if she was hidden among thousands of identical orchid flowers.

This makes her cry in happiness because her master said the same thing. We cut abruptly to a cave in Xishan called the Spirit-Shattering Abyss. Sounds cozy! Die Yi has brought the injured Rong Hao here to be healed, but she looks terrified. She kneels and asks for help from "Evil God", Taisui.

This god appears as a bunch of swirling black with red lightning. He says that Rong Hao is protected by evil spirits and demands to know who would dare hurt Rong Hao. Die Yi answers, "Dongfang Qingcang." Apparently this Taisui is interested and says that it (he?) hasn't had an opponent in the 3 realms since Taiyi. I don't remember that name so I'm interested in this lore!

What I'm assuming is more of Taisui's power floods RH and he thanks the god for saving him. And then he drops a juicy plot bomb:

He tells Taisui that he's found the reincarnation of the goddess Xiyun (Orchid). Several eps ago, he tested Orchid's powers and confirmed that she can purify and even resurrect things. My hunch is that this "evil god" is trapped in this cave - perhaps even banished to another realm. My question is: who is (was?) Taisui, and how did Rong Hao meet him? Also how much you wanna bet that by the end of the show, Rong Hao is fully possessed by it? That would make me sad because I want Rong Hao to choose evil on his own! :(

We then switch to Orchid waking up in a hunting camp in the woods. She comments that all the hunters are women but WE DON'T GET TO SEE ANY :( DFQC shoves roasted fish at her and mutters how useless she is for getting frightened and fainting immediately after fixing the Destiny Book. He asks where Orchid go the hairpin and she tries to brush it off as a gift from Jieli.

DFQC reaches for it, but Orchid pulls back and demands to know why someone as powerful as him needs something that belongs to her.

Unfortunately for her, Moon Supreme recognizes the hairpin!

"How can it be yours?" He demands. Orchid still refuses to give it up, so Moon Supreme asks that she at least not wear it. Because of the hairpin, he almost couldn't find her. Orchid refuses again and says that she doesn't want him to know what she's thinking and she doesn't want him trespassing in her heart.

INTERESTING! What is it that you want to hide from him, Orchid? Could it be that you're actually starting to find it fun to be with Moon Supreme? :3 I guess we'll have to find out!

[declanlikesmusic]

Today's Listens: Episode 004

August 8th & 9th, 2023

These past couple of days have been busy as fuck and I've neither had the time to listen to that many albums in each single day, nor write about them in those same days, so I thought I'd compact the two of them into one for a quick double episode! I listened to a variety as usual for as little time as I had and really enjoyed myself as usual, so here's what I heard!

Ski Mask the Slump God – STOKELEY (2018)

I kicked off the first day with simultaneously one of the most underrated yet underutilised rappers of the current day. I've always loved Ski Mask the Slump God's quirky yet menacingly skilled style and there are times where either he's punching under his weight or his label is doing that for him. (Bring back the original BEWARE THE BOOK OF ELI or I will take action.) I'm thankful to return to this particular debut studio album to end up finding a lot to love. Nuketown is the obvious big bomb highlight from the hype alone, but even the lesser appreciated cuts like the melodically sung So High and Save Me Pt 2 are fun jams, plus big hits like Faucet Failure, LA LA and Foot Fungus are great too. The whole thing is very consistently enjoyable, only really weak in a few notable spots. If you're a fan of trap rap, I can't not recommend this one.

7.6 / 10

Highlights: So High, Nuketown, Foot Fungus, LA LA, Save Me Pt 2, Get Geeked, Reborn to Rebel, Faucet Failure

Meteorological Agency – Night Coverage (2019)

Next one took me a long time to get to, I was pulled away to deal with other things after watching Jacksfilms livestream that day, so I had to wait until after my poker game that night to cover this half-hour signalwave album. This one's very sweet, lovely to hear and melodic, but it hardly exceeds more than that for me most times. I hate to kind of dismiss it like that, because it was still a good, solid time, but I was seeing a lot of praise for this out of other broken transmission albums and I hardly can say I walked away with too much compared to those who did. Still, good time, I'm keen on recommending it, just not particularly high priority.

7.0 / 10

Highlights: Indigo, Melancholy, Violet, Dream, Landscape, Rest

my bloody valentine – glider (1990)

I wanted to blaze through shorter listens because I didn't want this first day to be hardly anything, so why not throw an EP into the mix from the legendary my bloody valentine, though I had to listen to this through their EPs compilation. This was a very, very good time. It kicks off with soon from the end of their loveless album, which grew on me upon this EP and the rest from the strange title track to the almost great closer were a very pleasant time. If you want more shoegaze EPs in your life, this is a must-try among others of theirs.

7.4 / 10

Highlights: Soon, Off Your Face

HKE – OMNIA (2016)

Not gonna lie, I was kind of breezing by these albums on the first day, especially this one which closed it out, but at least it made me realise this was a little better than I remembered. HKE is a persistently bitter nutjob, I don't want to publicly endorse his music without telling you to proceed with caution, because this man's history in the vaporwave world is fucking wild. This record was ripe from the rise of the hardvapour subgenre and it's a decent time. I was kinda falling out of love with it and its persistent ambient interludes by the midway point, but once I reached OMNI, I was having a great, great time. Definitely one to enjoy whilst learning about hardvapour's messy, shitty and complicated history and its place in vapor as a whole.

7.1 / 10

Highlights: Omni, Requiem, Restore, Awake

SEA OF DOGS – Prelude (2018)

Now it's the second day of the two and I've spent all of it in the morning and afternoon being way too busy to be at home and sitting down for any of these albums. By the time it was finally evening and dinner time though, I had to kick it off with one of my favourite producers of all time. hyphyskazerbox, known as SEA OF DOGS here, put out a Prelude EP in 2018 that perfectly bridges the gap between her releases at the time. This was delightfully strange, a complete warping of music without being too plunderphonic-heavy, really genre-heavy in that matter. If you're going into this one, don't expect anything and you will receive everything, a little bit. The last two tracks are especially grounded into being more lyrical cuts with the former especially taking dominance with its atmosphere. This is another great time from an incredibly varied discography. I'd say check it out, but also know that there's others from her that don't sound quite like this that are even better.

8.2 / 10

Highlights: Hearing Her Name in Static, Warmed by the Rain and Sunny Thoughts of June, Beekeeper

Pendulum – Hold Your Colour (2005)

Finally, I've been waiting to go over this one for years now, the pioneering and genre-defining drum and bass prodigies known from down under as Pendulum with their mid-2000s debut album. I was worried I wouldn't love this one as much as I wanted to, but to no surprises at the end, this was actually a very great time. What's especially amazing to me is how basically this album compresses what would go down as several different subgenres for DnB into one cohesive record, from dancefloor DnB to liquid DnB and all sorts of others! Highly, highly recommend this one; I'm sure to EDM heads, this one is a stone-cold classic and it deserves that position greatly.

7.8 / 10

Highlights: Slam, Plasticworld, Fasten Your Seatbelt, Out Here, Hold Your Colour, Streamline

VECTOR GRAPHICS – DESTINE (2015)

This one's another EP, but just like with glider and Prelude, this one is not to be underestimated or undermined. Far from it actually, it's my favourite EP that I've heard since starting this series! VECTOR GRAPHICS, now known these days as .CASTING, is a prodigy of a slowly growing subgenre of vaporwave known as VHS Pop. There's a bunch of definitions out there, but the one that seems to be on the rise is classic vaporwave-infused hip-hop instrumentals with loud VHS fuzz. We can absolutely thank this EP for helping to popularise that sound, as its title track is often regarded as one of the best vaporwave songs of all time. I'm completely on the hype train with that, I especially think that the second of the three tracks sampled in this is completely transcendent. It's the longest and best cut on here by far, but every single track from before and after it is also a consistently great time. This EP is excellent and if I'd recommend anything in this post more than any other, it's absolutely this one.

8.7 / 10

Highlights: SURFING, DESTINE, ALBA83

Joy Division – Substance (1988)

I always like to do a slightly special record for every ten ratings that I do, even if milestones like this are as insignificant as 1330. For that, I tackled probably the last Joy Division record I will cover, their '77 to '80 compilation of non-album singles titled Substance. I've never been fully enamoured with their pioneering post-punk sound; I understand that it's for way more people other than me, but at least it was very fascinating to see this band evolve from a slightly amateur punk rock sound to a completely innovative one. The second half is especially good and consistent, but not to the level of great for me that I'd love. Almost every track here I felt that I should love and I very clearly almost do, but there's always something holding me back from that. It could be Ian Curtis's vocal styles, it could be some of the instruments played, it could even be the troubling recording quality of the late '70s as usual. The only track where everything truly clicks for me is the closing Love Will Tear Us Apart, which is very obviously their best here. I still think this compilation is very good and worth a listen if you're especially a fan of post-punk.

6.9 / 10

Highlights: Transmission, She's Lost Control, Atmosphere, Love Will Tear Us Apart

Massive Attack – Mezzanine (1998)

To finally close out this double special, I went to one of my favourite albums of all time for a proper rerating that I felt was undermining, when I last tried it. Massive Attack's Mezzanine is an incredible '90s record and my absolute favourite in the trip hop sound. I think the reason why I used to score it lower than I would've liked to is because what makes this record so excellent is often so understated that you'd have to really pay attention to find it transcendent most times. It's so eerie and urban, it feels dusty at points, but its highs are grimacing and haunting. I struggle to find new words for it, especially its first run of tracks from the incredible opener to the underrated interlude-type cut. Just dive in and absolutely check this one out if you haven't already.

8.8 / 10

Highlights: Angel, Risingson, Teardrop, Inertia Creeps, Exchange, Mezzanine, Group Four

Finally, I've got this two-in-one special right out of the way. This one had to be super delayed, I'm finishing this on the morning of the 10th, but I'm still very glad to be able to push this one out, especially as I'm freed from my job for a little bit. I hope you like what I've mentioned here and I'll see you shortly after for the next one!

[sweetesthaaze]

I know a lot of people loved ep 6 and Edwina's coming of age RAGE SPEECH. But to me it felt like a teen throwing a tantrum. She was a happy puppy while the attention was on her and the moment it shifted to the older sister who practically raised her, boo-hoo woe be me🙄

And that sisterly love and bond....Kate was all 'Edwina, Edwina, Edwina' and Edwina was all 'me, me, me'. I will never forgive the show and writers for destroy the Sharma ladies for an hour long episode of 'passing the parcel blame to Kate' in the wedding chapel. Ffs🤬🤬🤬

After sitting with Edwina's speech for awhile now, I have some thoughts. I wouldn't say that it seems like a tantrum, at least not how I saw it. Because Edwina was right in her anger and hurt. And she deserved to let Kate and Anthony know just how much they both hurt her. But I don't think they chose the right words for her big speech. In the context of everything that happened and everything that we know Kate did for her . . . it makes no sense.

In episode 6, Edwina says, "I didn't ask for any of it, Kate!" But that's not true? The very first episode Edwina says that she wants somebody handsome and with a title. And Kate tries to do right by Edwina and guide her to suitors that she thinks would be a good match and have similar interests as her. And Kate explicitly tells Edwina that Anthony is not for her, for many reasons but mainly because he does not want a love match.

And before, in episode 4, Edwina says, "He is the one I want, Kate. The viscount. His family, this home, the life he offers me." Edwina DID ask for it. She begged Kate for help. And that's when Kate gives in and tries to help. She never forced Edwina to do anything. Kate wanted something different for her. Kate wanted Edwina to be happy and live a life full of love.

Zara, @jeanvanjer, said something in our gc about that, that I want to add here. Edwina doesn't really know what romantic love looks like. She was young when their father died and really the only love she's experienced is familial love. And while just as powerful, it looks different than romantic love. She saw the love within Anthony's family and was like, "Oh. There it is, that's the love I'm looking for." Which is also a reason why she wants the viscount. But again, she DID want it.

And when Edwina told Kate that she wanted that with the viscount, Kate helped her get it.

And Kate was genuinely happy for her. Kate was 100% willing to sacrifice herself for Edwina's sake. And in that speech, Edwina kind of just threw it back in her face.

They were going in the right direction with Edwina at first, especially during the hair oiling scene. The way she cries, "I should have been better!", it broke my heart. She was under all this pressure to be perfect, to be the diamond. But then they just forgot about that.

Edwina's speech is a good one. On it's own. But it doesn't fit in with the context of the show and everything that Kate did and gave up for Edwina. Which might have worked had they full addressed everything when Edwina and Kate reconciled. But they didn't.

I know Kate hid things from her and should have told her the truth and Edwina had a right to be angry. But the actual speech doesn’t hit home as much as they wanted it to within the actual show.

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High: The Seven Ep 1

Meet the Maidens

It is back to school baby, both for D20 and, funnily enough, myself as well (something I hope will give me more time to get the recaps out in a timely manner fingers crossed). 

As I’m sure you all know if you’re reading this, this season of D20 takes place in the world of Fantasy High but with a focus on Aguefort’s OTHER most badass adventuring party who we’ve so far only seen on the sidelines, the Seven Maidens! You’ll recall, they’re made up of the seven girls who were captured by Penelope and co. to fulfill the prophecy that would let Kalvaxus rule the world freshman year. And, in fact, we start with a flashback to freshman year so let’s just jump right in.

We find our seven soon-to-be heroines chained in the Red Waste in front of what we know and they will shortly learn in Kalvaxus’ lair--a crucial part of the prophecy that was the subject of season 1. The structure of this episode is sort of like 2 rounds of introductions--first here with the maidens meeting each other for the first time and then again at home with their families a la the first episode of Freshman Year so I’ll be glossing over certain things that we’ll get to later in their second intros.

Anyway, the first two to wake up are Danielle (aka Yelle: half-elf, druid) and Zelda (satyr, barbarian as we know). Zelda is her usual, adorably nervous self in contrast to Yelle who is no less sweet but in a super chill, granola girl, fuck the system kind of way. We actually learn that Penelope had her on board with the plan for a hot second when she thought it was just “overthrow the government” but didn’t know about the “install a just as bad if not worse evil dragon overlord” part. 

Ostentatia (dwarf, cleric) wakes up next and is, as Izzy--her player--describes her “Jersey Trash.”, all blinged up with jewelry that she secretly made herself and didn’t buy. She wakes up pissed and ready to bodyslam Aelwyn which are both extremely valid emotions as much as I love Aelwyn. By the way, all of the girls recognize each other as girls who go to their school but none of them are really friends though they very quickly start throwing the label around because that’s what you do when you wake up chained with 6 other people in front of a dragon’s lair in a place called the Red Waste. 

Katja (half-orc, fighter) wakes up and immediately cares about nothing more than the status of her beloved horse, Cinnamon and declares that if Cinnamon dies, she’ll die. This is a fantasy world so Ostentatia and Danielle are a little concerned that might literally be true via a soul bond or something but it’s more that Katja just really, really loves that horse. Danielle tries to cast a spell to locate the horse but can’t get the somatic components quite right with her hands manacled. 

They all get into a discussion about the fact that everyone for a fact knows they’re all virgins now (you know, the real issue here) and what exactly counts as “virginity” for the purposes of this prophecy (like, does second or third base count or only traditional home runs using the baseball analogy) when Penny wakes up and is, just so excited to be here gang! Penny (halfling, rogue), who is one of the girls who has been kidnapped the longest, is adorably and honestly a bit concerningly exuberant to be surrounded by all these new friends, totally disregarding  the fact that they are clearly in some deep shit. Zelda mentions that Riz, her old babysitee, knows they’re kidnapped and is trying to help and she lights up. 

Next up is Sam (water genasi, sorc/bard) who immediately starts thrashing to get out of her chains and, when she can’t get free, is devastated by the fact that her ex betrayed her (!?) Finally Antiope (human fighter/ranger) wakes up all out of sorts having started her growth spurt while in the crystal and also having needed to pee right before she went in which becomes a problem all over herself (which Sam helpfully cantrips away).

With all of them awake, the stones they’re chained to light up and some of Kalvaxus’ minions (the ones who tied them up) show up to do minion speechifying. Yelle does a horrifying Animorph style morph into a waterbear (a tardigrade if you wanna get all Bio 101) to get out of her bonds but then Sam who has a serious one track mind re: getting out of here (Correct) and has exactly zero patience for these guys casts Tidal Wave and just knocks them off the cliff. Yelle frees Ostentatia who frees everyone else with Animate Object on their chains. Hands free, Yelle also casts Locate Animal and tells a very pleased Katja that Cinnamon is doing a full Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron down the highway searching for her. 

The girls decide to explore the cave which has recently had most of its treasure moved (it’s currently in the gym for the Prompocolypse fight which is currently happening). Penny and Sam (who are in insanely different emotional places) find all these broken mirrors which Sam takes as a cue that they need to GTFO (which is what she was already doing) and Penny thinks would make a great material for friendship bracelet making which she starts doing as Sam physically pulls her away. Sam hears someone doing post-cry sniffles and is like, “Not today Satan,” still trying to leave. However, Penny sees that there is one mirror left and, inside, sees a ethereal looking human with flowing, preternatural, black hair who senses their presence and asks if Penny is someone named Anima. She asks for their names though she declines to give hers (hmm, feels very fae) and the girls give the fake names of Kelly and Cecelia which the figure says she will guard and not misuse. The figure says she is looking for her sisters (who she says when Penny asks are at Aguefort which...hmmmmm) and, all of a sudden, Sam and Penny are having a bad feeling about those mirror shards. 

They ask her a question about the mirror and she gets really aggro when it’s referred to as “her” mirror as she would very much like to be out of it. The woman really wants to get out and says she can give them lots of power if they help. Sam pulls out her compact Mirror of the Past (magic item that does basically what you’d expect--shows you info from something’s past though in a cryptic way usually) to try and get some info on this thing and just barely avoids losing her mind in the process because this thing is ancient. Like eons old. She also learns the woman’s name (or maybe title): The Ending of Things (will be calling her Ending for now).

Yikes!

Right around now the other girls come in and can see at the angle they’re looking at her at the woman in the mirror is Not Really A Person and Antiope points at her and reflexively casts a ranger sense spell to try and clock its weaknesses and stuff but Ending grabs the spell energy like a lasso and tries to drag her into the mirror. She does however find out that she’s stacked with hella resistances (total immunity to necrotic damage and non-maj weapons, resistance to most elemental damage, and more).

Sam briefly considers using Lightning Lure to pull Antiope back before deciding on a much less ouchy Counterspell. Unfortunately, it’s not strong enough and now she’s being pulled in by her spell energy too. Yelle casts Erupting Earth which has some pros and cons.

Pros: Antiope and Sam are saved! Yay!

Cons: The mirror breaks and whatever was in it is fully freed. Not yay!

Shortly after (but not before Penny gives everyone their new friendship bracelets), someone calls into the cave looking for them--it’s Fig’s mom, Sandra-Lynn (with new art)! She’s happy and impressed that everyone is OK (also, Katja and Sam both have little lines that foreshadow their ~parental issues~ for the season--Katja being very moved by the simple act of Sandra-Lynn showing up for them and Sam saying that in her experience moms can be very evil).

As they all leave the cave, they all do checks and get some info:

Ostentatia: The mirror was kinda like a palimpsest (the crystals they were trapped in) and whatever this thing is is ancient and powerful. 

Yelle: Gets the above info and the fact that when the thing left it wasn’t quite a bad vibe, just the vibe that something big and important is at play.

Penny: On an Arcana check she knows that what Danielle did 100% saved Antiope and Sam’s lives from whatever and wherever was on the either side of the mirror but the contact marked them in some way. 

Katja: With History she sees some Primordial writing which is the writing of elementals (one of the things Ending has resistances to which might be relevant; also Sam reads Primordial but doesn’t get to read what it says)

Antiope: She knows that she and Sam are connected to Ending now somehow but it’s a two way connection which means they can also use it to their advantage. 

Ostentatia casts Mending on the mirror shards which I think was to reconstruct the mirror but what it actually does is someone link their friendship bracelets. Cute!

And, with that, we cut to the present a year and a half later (which is Jr or Sr year for everyone). 

We hop from kid to kid as they get ready to head in to school and get glimpses into their homes lives! Let’s do a quick rundown for each girl:

Antiope Jones

We see that Antiope is the youngest of five in what is essentially a military family full of basically every kind of fighter (she says she basically lives in a “Crossfit box”). There’s an 8 year gap between her and her sister Corsica who is the second youngest so her parents are kind of already living like empty nesters. When she comes downstairs she is promptly handed a protein smoothie and told two pieces of info: (1) from Corsica she learns that she overheard at school --where she teaches--that Aguefort needs to talk to her for some reason but she won’t say why which annoys the crap out of Antiope and (2) her parents lined up an internship for her at the Ministry of Adventure. She and her mom verbally spar a bit about them being all up in her life and how stressed she is and how she likes what she has going now with the Seven but her mom wins ofc because she’s a Mom and also a master tactician with a deft hand for loving mom guilt. On the way to school her bros (who include a gunslinger and an eldritch knight cause they run the whole gamut of fighter classes) Facetime her like, “Yikes Ant, heard about what happened with Mom, this is why you don’t fight her lmao.”

Sam Nightingale

This is a heavy one so strap in. 

We check in with Sam who isn’t at her own family’s home but at Penelope’s family home which is off the bat eyebrow raising. It’s an upper middle class house and, on the way down, she has to pass Penelope’s bedroom which is conspicuously empty. Downstairs she’s greeted by Penelope’s human mom Rebecca who she learns is moving out soon because her elf husband is both cheating on her while away in Falinel and starting the divorce process. Sam clearly sees Penelope’s mom as a surrogate mom (for reasons we’ll learn in a second) and goes full ride or die assuring her that her ass is better than the ass of the woman he’s cheating with and offering to help burn his stuff even though drowning is more her specialty (she’s so cool). She also is a little stricken at the thought of Rebecca leaving her in the house alone but Rebecca says she can come with if she wants, she just didn’t want to disrupt her school life.

She also tells Rebecca that her bio-mom called recently which immediately sets Sam off. Through the convo we learn a couple of things:

Sam used to be an actor it seems.

And it seems like she was kicked out of the house after she transitioned or something similar which is why she lives with the Everpetals. 

Now that it’s more “fashionable” to to be trans (her mom’s words, not mine) she wants Sam to talk to her so they can get her back in the game.

Sam is having none of that and tells Rebecca to just delete her mom’s number. Then they have a cathartic session of burning her cheating husband’s shit before Sam leaves in Sebastian--her sentient, seafoam blue, self-driving car with a very hot male voice which I am extremely jealous of. She picks up Zelda on the way to school and they commiserate a little and have a heart to heart about adults and change and how much Zelda wants to body slam Sam’s mom. 

Penny Luckstone 

Penny’s house is a whirlwind of activity and her harried parents get her and her 19 young siblings ready for school (no wonder she’s such a good babysitter). We see where Penny gets her type-A ness from as her mom and dad both have this cheerful but overworked energy of “EVERYTHING IS FINE” like that Good Place sign. Her mom spares a second to tell her that she recently got a letter for The Society of Shadows which is like a super secret rogue college (which her parents assume is legit even though they haven’t heard of it cause they’re Mumple people and also, if you've heard of a rogue school, how good could it really be?) Penny is excited except that it would mean she’d have to move and leave her party. Her mom is like “hey it’s a full ride and there are 20 of you guys so just take that into consideration but it’s ultimately your decision” before she dashes away to get to work because it is always Go Go Go with the Luckstones. She texts Sam for a ride and Sam swings by to grab her. This is not plot relevant but she has a booster seat in the back of Sebastian with her name carved into it and it’s important to me that you know that. 

Katja Cleaver

Next up is Katja who lives in a Richie Rich style mansion and comes from very old money as she is descended from one of the first adventurers in Solace. She is in the barn with Cinnamon and the bugbear farrier they have employed (her name is Gertrude and a farrier is someone who does horseshoes). She eats the same breakfast as Cinnamon (hot dry oats and berries baybee) wo she loves so so dearly. Cinnamon is a magical horse--basically like a Find Steed spell that’s on all the time. She’s modeled the horse in her fave book series--the Babysitter’s Horse of course. Lockwood, the staff’s hobgoblin butler, is also there and they get a fantasy Zoom call from Katja’s dad who is in the middle of the insane 20th level adventurer stuff which he says might make him miss her graduation. She is extremely disappointed but just barely hides it from her dad (who seems to really care despite his not being around). She can’t hide it from the staff or Cinnamon however and Cinnamon offers to give her a ride to school via the scenic route. 

Note: We also learn two sad facts about Katja from the conversation with her dad.

Her mother is Disney Princess dead* and

She wears one half of a friendship necklace and it seems like she’s waiting for someone to give the other half to. It’s implied earlier that the way Penelope got her was by promising to be her best friend. Sad!

*Edit: Well, she’s gone and we’ll leave it at that until next recap. 

Ostentatia Wallace

Ostentatia wakes up and goes downstairs to have a very high energy in both directions interaction with her very fantasy-Italian mom and grandma. Her grandma is concerned her beard isn’t coming in--not knowing she shaves it on purpose which her mom is like, “Listen it’s fine but don’t tell grandma it’ll kill her.” She clocks very quickly that her dad isn’t there and his mithril working tools are gone. Her mom tries to play it off but she knows she’s being lied to and her mom relents. Her dad is at a meeting with the other workers of the shut down mithril factory and negotiations have ceased. It looks like he’s gonna be long term out of work. That explains where her dad is but not why the tools are missing. She decides to go do some investigating on her own and ambushes her dad in his car where, with the inaugural nat 20 of the season, she realizes he pawned his tools to get her 5 revivify diamonds. She's upset by this and he’s upset that she’s, in his eyes, questioning his ability to take care of his family. She’s like, alright, you did a thing for me, I’ll do a thing for you and she casts Animate Object to make his stuff steal itself back in a sequence that involves an animated crowbar using another crowbar which is just wild.

Danielle Barkstock

I’m gonna be real, Danielle’s life is exactly how you assume it is based on Who She Is As A Person so this one will be real short. Eco-friendly off the grid geodesic yurt. One super chill peace and love elf sorc mom and one rough and tough human ranger mom. She also knows and helps the Cubbies with their anarchist machinations because yeah, duh. She gets some messages from school on her crystal--one being a message from the principal saying that she and the rest of her party have first period off to meet with him and the other being a newsletter from the school showing, among other things, a photo of the Druid class doing a project but she’s not in it for some reason. She texts one of the other druids to see if she can figure out why she wasn’t invited but fully gets left on read. Brutal. Of course, she hasn’t messaged that person in 6-8 months so maybe that’s why.

Anyway, with that, all seven of our maidens make it to school and are all exuberant to see each other in a very teen girl way before getting to the principal’s office and learning that their party will be broken up at the year! 

Bad!

Superlatives 

I wanted to do something a little different for these recaps than the Bad Kid ones so instead of Honor Roll/Detention we are doing Superlatives and the inaugural one goes to...

Sam: Most Like To Survive a Horror Movie

Man she woke up chained in a ritual magic circle and she was Ready To Go Immediately. You will not catch this girl doing horror movie victim BS like exploring the spooky house or giving the creepy obvious ghost the time of day. She is hyper-competent and her goal is making it out alive and dragging her friends with her. Love her.  

Random Thoughts

The season immediately starts with a bang or I should say a bing with Izzy trying to say “bling bang” and accidentally saying, “bling bing” and immediately getting roasted by everyone. I love the authentic girl group vibes (which include everyone clowning on her then immediately hyping up Zelda to the max after being way more awkward). 

Handshake meme with Danielle and Moonshine from Naddpod. Also, Cinnamon and Horse from Centaurworld. 

I love that Rekha and Erika just straight up were like, “Our characters are Asian”. Like obviously, make your characters Asian coded in your fantasy world--all my D&D characters are black like me--but it’s funny that they completely disregarded the, “There’s no Asia in this world so I guess they’re this world’s equivalent to--” Nah just, “I’m a half-elf and I’m Asian.” You love to see it. 

I absolutely LOVE the choices the cast made to flesh out their characters based on the little info Brennan had about them, none moreso than rich horse girl Katja. Rekha is a genius. 

“I only want one thing and he’s working” KATJAAAAAAA

Man if I was in that flashback I would have been wilding out so much with my flashback plot armor. 

I appreciate that the first thing that Aabria has Antiope do is extremely uncool. I love it when players aren’t concerned about just being cool and on point all the time. Sometimes (read: often) that’s the less interesting choice. 

But on the exact opposite side, she’s a ranger and an arcane archer which I think is extremely cool. Lmao also I didn’t mention in the recap but she HATES dragons now which, understandable. I’m guessing they're her favored enemy. 

I can’t wait to see another group of kids interact w/ madman Aguefort. 

Also, as a known Aelwyn-stan, I am very excited for the possibility of the Seven interacting with her cause as much as I love her they are under no obligation to acknowledge her redemption arc and I would love to see them throw hands. 

I love the Greek myth naming scheme of Antiope’s extremely cool family as with her on the spot nickname “L-Cab” short for long caboose since she’s the youngest by a mile. 

Also this is out of character not in character but Sephie is an extremely cool nickname for Persephone. 

I wonder why Brennan didn’t let Sam read the Primordial in the cave. He just glossed right past her saying that she speaks it and she didn’t push it. Would it have solved his entire plot in the span of a flashback or was he just keeping things moving?

Sidenote, if I was married to an elf man and worried about aging like Rebecca, I would simply become a druid (or a monk or up my wizard levels so I could learn True Polymorph or Wish or something). 

I wonder what the deal with Ending is. She seemed relatively sincere in the mirror but that doesn’t mean anything. She could be sincere and also Very Bad News. 

There is an offhand comment by Brennan about how the dwarf forge god gives spells but doesn’t talk to his followers which I think means that Ostentatia is gonna be getting a direct god call soon enough. 

Also she mentions that her dad is doing some criminal activity on the side which seems like a Problem for later. Honestly all of the kids have some pretty rich parent drama happening which should be interesting to see explored. 

No nat 1s this ep and 1 nat 20 as I mention from Ostentatia. 

[lonelyreputation]

Arpeggio

A/N: Woooo a long one! The idea has been on a stick note for three months and it’s finally here 🤧 It was a very fun one to write! I hope you enjoy it & let me know your thoughts! Ahh! 💥🥰💗

Summary: You’re a ghostwriter for a famous singer and Shawn is head over heels in love with the singer who he thinks writes her own music…But little does he know it’s you.

MASTERLIST | LET’S CHAT 🥂

Warnings: Few swear words

WC: 13.7K // Angst & Fluff

--

You sat on the edge of your seat, legs crossed, as you stared intently at the “famed” singer-songwriter who was reading over your lyrics.  She shuffled papers back and forth either humming in distaste when she didn’t like a particular lyric, or slamming a lyric sheet down on the table for a song she wanted to keep.

This was the third album cycle you had done this for her––writing songs and pitching them for her to sing.  All while you sat in the background and collected royalties off the copyright you owned.  

When you were sixteen, you wrote a song that circulated around a publishing company, and she––Zilla––did whatever she could to have the song be put on hold for her.  She was a newer artist, but you heard whispers that she bought out Kacey Musgraves in order to record your song.  

It started with one song as a work for hire, which grew to an EP where you had copyright ownership, and then to a full album…Which led you to sign a contract with her management team as her ghostwriter.

You remember it clear as day––you in their office, with your own entertainment lawyer, as Zilla and her manager slid an NDA across the table.  You remember the manager trying their best to not outright say that Zilla wasn’t talented in songwriting––She just spends so much time making sure her vocals are perfect that she doesn’t have time to write and everyone wants personal songs nowadays.

Zilla’s real name was Willow––but in order to keep the artist name the same as the songwriting credits––she picked a stage name.  So, her stage name was just Zilla, and your songwriting credit would be listed as Zilla Greene.  

While the public knew that Zilla was a stage name for Willow, they thought that she also wrote her own songs under the pseudonym Zilla Greene…But nobody knew how far from the truth that was.

The sound of papers slamming down on a wooden table snapped you out from your daydream, “None of these work,” Zilla leaned back on the couch and crossed her arms over her chest, “I want to change my sound.”

You had spent months crafting the songs in front of her.  Carefully crafted rhyme schemes, imagery that was similar to the second album you wrote for her that won her three Grammys, it had an even mix of upbeat songs and ballads…And she didn’t want any of them.

Your mouth dropped, “But what––You want––Why?”

Zilla shrugged her shoulders and picked at her nails, “The last album was so…Pop,” she cringed, “Too colorful. I need to change it up––Keep listeners on their toes––I’m seeing this album aesthetic as more black and white.”

You picked up your little notebook and scribbled down aesthetics and moods she wanted to match.  With each sentence she rattled off, you wrote down key words––songs that connect in a story, feeling lost, black and white, heartbreak––a bit of your soul crumbled as you saw the songs you worked so hard on lay abandoned on the table without a second thought.

“Give me an album that gives me a perfect score on Pitchfork.”

The pen you frivolously scribbled down ideas on dropped from your hand, “That’s––I can’t control Pitchfork!”

Zilla rolled her eyes and scoffed, “Then you better write a damn good album.”

“But you––Red!” You shouted out to grab her attention as you saw her packing up her bag, “That’s a nine.  Literally one point away from a perfect score.”

Hiking her back over her shoulder, Zilla flicked her perfect loose curls over her shoulder, “Red was a good debut album, 1989 was a good Grammy album, I need something great.”

And with that, the “famed” singer-songwriter walked out of the room.  The clacks of her heels were as loud as the sound of your heart shattering as you continued to stare at the songs on the table…That’ll never have the chance to see the daylight.  

---

It was a new day and the sun shining through your half-opened window as the thin white curtains softly blew with the breeze.  You were sat crossed legged on the floor in a little corner of your apartment that you claimed as your “writing room.”  It wasn’t much of a room––because you literally sat on the floor––but it was where you wrote the best.

You sat in the corner, right under the window, on a small pink and teal woven rug, with a few throw pillows, and lyric sheets scattered all over the floor.  

How were you supposed to create a whole new album when you had a perfect album already written?

With your head buried in your hands, you were at standstill, never having writer's block hit you this hard.  You had songs already written––An album that was hopefully a 7 on Pitchfork’s scale––but it wasn’t good enough for her.  

Nothing seemed to be good enough for her.

Your phone dinged with an email and you read the preview that it was just a Google Alert for Zilla.  You ignored the notification, not wanting to think about how angry you already were at her…even though you were currently writing for her.

A melody slowly came into your mind as you started humming into a voice note.  But it was quickly cut off short when you heard the stomps of Mia––your roommate––come running from the kitchen to where you were.

“Did you see this interview?”

You raised an eyebrow at her and directed your eyes to the strewn papers on the floor, “I’m a little busy?”

She waved you off and couldn’t stop smiling, “Shawn Mendes is like in love with you.”

The phone dropped from your hands, and you cringed because you knew that was going to sound horrendous when you played back the voice note. But that wasn’t what was on your mind.  

“What?!”

Mia nodded at your shocked reaction, but then backed up with her explanation, “Well, not you––Zilla,” she made a little throw up noise, “But he loves your songwriting.”

“How––”

Mia shoved her phone into your face and you saw a paused YouTube video.  In the video you saw Shawn Mendes sitting on a chair, holding a white poster board, as he was in the middle of ripping a paper off.  He was doing a Wired Autocomplete Interview.  You skeptically looked up at Mia, and she gestured with her hands for you to hit play.

So you hit play and immediately cringed at the sound of his nails coming in contact with the poster board as he ripped off the blocking.

“Did Shawn Mendes write a song on Zilla’s last album?”  Shawn let out a small laugh as he shook his head, “I wish she would write a song for me.”  His smile only seemed to grow as he continued talking about her, “She posted an acoustic clip of this new song she was working on––I’m hoping it’s on her new album.”

You felt a flutter of butterflies swarm your stomach because you knew exactly what song he was talking about.  It was the chorus to a song called Cardigan, the first song that Zilla hadn’t turned down for the new album. 

The video Zilla posted on her Instagram was dimly lit as she sat on the ground with her guitar.  And while she frustrated you to no end…You couldn’t deny that she had a beautiful voice.

And apparently Shawn Mendes thought so too.

“Ever since her self-titled EP, I’ve been obsessed with her,” at Shawn’s words you looked up at Mia who mirrored your smile, “There’s just something so personal about her songs and I…” he looked down at his shoes before looking back up at the camera, “I’m fangirling, but I really admire her songwriting.  I hope to write with her one day.”

He went to rip off the next question, but you paused the video, not wanting to hear the scraping sound again.

With the phone slightly shaking in your hands, you slowly picked your head up to look at Mia with a wide smile, “Oh my God.”

Mia nodded excitedly and jumped around in a circle, “Shawn Mendes likes––no loves––your songwriting!  He’s so in love with you––He wants to write songs with you––He––”

You started to feel an overwhelming sense of pride as a jolt of joy was sent from the top of your head to the tips of your toes.  Shawn Mendes––an artist that you admired for his work ethic––admitted to fangirling over your songwriting.  

You were about to get up and dance around with Mia because it felt like a celebration, but with one look at the lyric sheets scattered on the floor…Your excitement slowly diminished.  Because all of these songs––all of your feelings, your poetry, your deepest regrets and highest of loves––were going to her.

Zilla got the credit for your art.

People told Zilla that she inspired them to write songs.

And Shawn admired what he thought was Zilla’s songwriting.

You picked up the pen and twirled it around your fingers, clenching your jaw, as you casted a regretful look at the songs on the floor…They were your pride and joy, even the ones you didn’t like very much, because each song took a little bit of your soul and was then shared with the world.

“He’s in love with Zilla’s writing,” you sucked in a deep breath, “Not mine.”

----

Instead of your safe writing spot at your apartment, you were in the studio for a change.  Since the only people who knew about Zilla’s secret were you, Mia, your lawyer, her manager, and Zilla herself…The record label still booked sessions for Zilla to write.  So you found yourself in the studio a few times a month whenever it came time to write her a new album.

“How’s the album?”

You had been writing for hours and felt so exhausted that you should’ve been surprised when you didn’t hear a door open.  But you were absolutely dreading this album writing process, you were creating emotions––trying to draw from real experience––but nothing was working.

You stretched your arms over your head, squinting an eye when you heard your back crack, and looked up at Zilla with tired eyes, “I have a few songs.”

Her mouth dropped, not liking the progress you were making, “A few?”

“It’s been two and a half months since you said you wanted a whole genre switch,” You snapped at her, “You’re going from pop to some sort of folk alternative––”

Zilla scoffed, “You did this before.  Red was country and 1989 was pop.  This shouldn’t be a problem.”

The two of you were in a glaring match as you set your pen down, “You demanded a seventeen song album––Do you know how hard that is with the soft deadline Columbia gave you?”

“You had songs written before––”

“Then why didn’t you take those songs?” It was a genuine question, but also a question you knew the answer to.  And you were right when she spurted something off about wanting to change up her sound.

“People love me because I’m not predictable,” Zilla walked over to where you were sitting and picked up a lyric sheet, humming in approval before letting it slowly fall to the ground, “And the songs you wrote before weren’t good enough.”

“What do you mean––”

“It’s just writing a few songs,” Zilla huffed out, “I don’t see how you can’t do that between now and the soft release date.”

You closed your eyes and let your head fall on the back of the couch cushion.  You brought your hands up to rub the inside corners of your eyes, “You want a heartbreak album––I’m not in that headspace and you also need to record the songs.” 

You opened your eyes and immediately glared, “Do you remember how Rob Stringer nearly flipped because I still had to finish writing Clean but you lied and said it was just the backing vocals that needed to be done?”

As much as Zilla wanted to refute you, she knew she had no place, because what you said was absolutely true.  That was not a fun phone call to be a part of with the C.E.O. of Sony Music––even if you were on mute.

“It won him Album of the Year at the Grammys,” Zilla said in an unsympathetic voice, “And this album is going to be better than that.”

You let out a very loud and exasperated sigh, “That won’t cut it this time around!  At least I had some inspiration for that album, because I have none––”

“You’re crazy,” Zilla narrowed her eyes, “Just find a random person and have them break your heart.”  You had your mouth open for a rebuttal to tell her that that’s not how songwriting worked, but she picked a piece of lint off her sweater, “You’re pretty…enough.”

You squeezed your eyes tight as you felt yourself begin to seethe at her.  You started to feel a slight pain in your jaw with how hard your teeth were clenched together, but your eyes were still shut as you tried to simmer your anger, as your voice came out dangerously low, “Out.”

“You can’t kick me out!” Zilla laughed and you opened your eyes to look at the woman who had no respect for your artistry��Even though you were the one to give her a career in the first place, “I’m paying for your studio time.”

“No, technically,” you glared over her shoulder at the door, “Columbia is paying for the studio.”

Zilla huffed as she crossed her stiff arms over her chest, “No need to get so angry––”

You felt yourself becoming more angry at her presence.  Her presence was driving you insane and you knew that she was being a nuisance on purpose––poking you like a bear until she got her desired reaction out of you.

“Out!”

She looked at you with shock written all over her face.  You were never one to raise your voice at anyone, and you always bent over backwards to comply with whatever Zilla wanted.  But not now.  You only felt angry and crazy in her presence, and those feelings only intensified in you when she pointed out how crazy and angry you were acting.

Zilla left––you don’t know if it was after you screamed at her or if she stayed for a few moments longer––because for the first time in writing this album for her…You felt inspiration for a song hit.

You heard the light piano keys first, humming the pitch in your head, as the light sound of finger picking on a guitar creeped into the back of your mind.  Fresh off your argument with Zilla, the chorus of the song came first.  You channeled your anger into inspiration as your hand gripped the pen until your knuckles hurt.

You don’t know how long you were writing the song for, but it was almost finished––I’m taking my time––Oh, how you wished you could take your time with this album––Taking my time––Well, maybe you will take your time with this album and get her in trouble with all of her deadlines, even though it would technically be breaking your contract too––Because you took everything from me.

She took your songs away from you.

“Oh, Sorry I––I might be in the wrong room?”

You dropped your pen and slammed your writing journal closed because no one was supposed to be in this room.  With eyes wide, your heart stopped, because there were papers all around the room of potential songs for Zilla’s album.  

Lifting your wrist to look at your watch, you saw that you were eleven minutes past your allotted amount of time Columbia reserved.  Immediately, you scrambled to get off the couch as fast as possible, crunching your lyric sheets in the process.

You shook your head, still not looking up at the person because you wanted to make sure all of the songs were in your possession, “You’re probably in the right room.  I––I’ve stayed past my time just a little and I––This is most likely definitely your room––”

“Wasn’t Zilla in here before?”

You froze and gripped the song sheet that you were currently stuffing in your bag.

Shit.

Slowly, you took a deep breath, and looked up at the person who had the room reserved after you.  And your already wide eyes doubled in size when you saw that it was Shawn Mendes standing in front of you.  The guy you saw on Mia’s cracked iPhone screen a few months ago––fangirling over songs you wrote.

His knuckles were white as he gripped his guitar case––in what you assumed to be excited nerves––as his head darted around the small studio space, hoping to catch a glimpse of the singer-songwriter.

“Oh, yeah she––She was done like forty minutes ago,” you spewed out a lie, “And then she let me use her remaining time.”

Shawn’s shoulders sunk in disappointment, and his smile faltered just a tad, undoubtedly disappointed that he missed his chance to meet a songwriter he admired.  But little did he know that songwriter he actually admired was standing right in front of him.

You never wanted to be in the spotlight, never liked having attention on you, and it’s part of the reason why you agreed to work as Zilla’s ghostwriter.  But with how her career took off, her songs––your stories––were gaining much more recognition than you ever thought.  And it was times like these that you wished you could tell someone––other than your roommate––that they were your songs.

“So…” Shawn rocked on his feet a few times, quickly breaking eye contact with you to look at the remaining papers on the ground, “Are you friends with her?”

You nodded your head as you bent down to pick up the remaining songs, stuffing them deep in your bag, “We’re like––Uh––Yeah, pretty good friends.”  

How else were you supposed to describe your business relationship with her?  In the beginning, you hoped it would be more of a collaborative experience––Zilla telling you stories about her that you could write into songs––but that wasn’t the case.  

She didn’t want to do any work besides reap the benefits of traveling the world and having millions of people adore her.

He ran his free hand through his curls, following your every move of cleaning up your mess, “Do you sing?”

His question caught you off guard, “Pardon?”

Shawn let out a small laugh and gestured to the recording studio the two of you were in, “Are you a musician?”

You immediately shook your head, “Oh no, I’m––I write.”

“Ah, a songwriter,” Shawn softly smiled in appreciation as he went to set his guitar down by the other couch in the room, “Without people like you, us singers would be useless.”

“You write your own stuff.  Not many people do that anymore,” you rolled your eyes at his compliment, “That’s a redeeming quality.”

Shawn shrugged his shoulders, “Yeah, I…I do write my own stuff.  With some help obviously, but it’s rare to find that nowadays.” You nodded in understanding as the two of you stood in silence.  He slipped his hands into the front pockets of his blue jeans as a smile lit up his face, “Except for Zilla.  Now she…Wow,” he whistled low, “She’s a once in a lifetime artist.”

You felt your throat tighten up.

“Yeah, that’s…” You let out a fake laugh as you bit the inside of your cheek, “That’s one way to put it.”

Shawn eagerly nodded as he continued to talk about your least favorite topic, “Her words––Her experiences––It’s all so personal.  Sometimes I feel like I’m eavesdropping or reading her diary,” He plopped down on a black rolling chair and his smile grew wider, “Now she’s someone I respect.”

And while you knew he was complimenting your work, he didn’t know it.  The person who he thought he respected so much was in the music industry for all the wrong reasons.  The person he thought so highly sent you a text on the day she got her first Billboard number one––a song that you wrote––and demanded a new song in a few weeks time all while she popped open a bottle of champagne on her Instagram.

You nodded your head, knowing that if you said something, it wouldn’t be what he wanted to hear.

“I’ll let you get to work,” you picked up your journal from the couch cushion and slipped it in your bag, “I’ve taken up enough of your time.”

You turned to walk out the door but Shawn’s voice called you back, “Hey––You, um…I think this is yours?”

Turning around, you saw Shawn looking down at a familiar white piece of paper with words scratched out and arrows changing up verses, “This is…This is really good…” he looked up at you, “I didn’t catch your name?”

“Y/n,” you rushed out as you snatched the paper out of his hold.

Shawn nodded his head and stood up from the chair, leaning over your shoulder to continue reading the lyrics, “Centennial park…” he scratched his chin, “Nashville?”

You folded the paper in half, shielding your story from his eyes, as you lied, “Different park.”

Still stuck on the song, your mouth dropped as Shawn yanked the piece of paper out of your hands, opening it back up to skim over, “Maybe in the bridge––The last line…” you reached out to grab your paper from him, but he held it over his head, tilting his head back so he could still read the lyrics, “Change string to thread? Change up the lyrics like you did with the chords.”

Once he got his thought out, he lowered the piece of music and you grabbed it back, glaring at him as you stuffed it deep into your bag, “These aren’t mine,” you said bitterly, because while they were your words, they would eventually belong to Zilla, “They’re Zilla’s.  So I’ll let her know.”

Shawn’s eyes bugged out of his head, mouth wide open in shock, “You––You have her lyric sheets?!”  His eyes quickly darted down to your bag.  You pulled your bag closer to your side out of protection, “The things I would do to have whatever job you have.  I mean––To be able to read her songs before they’re out? That’s––I will literally trade places for a day with you.”

You let out a weak laugh, wishing that you got out of the studio on time, “I’m sure your job pays much better than being her…assistant.”

Shawn’s eyes glistened with excitement, “You’re her friend, assistant, and you get to read her songs?”  Shawn ducked his head as he let out a chuckle, “I’d do anything to be you for a day.”

You pulled your eyebrows together, but tried to keep your face neutral, “I’m sure you wouldn’t.” But his smile only widened as he daydreamed about being so close to someone you thought was cousins with the devil, “I should really get going.”

Shawn nodded in understanding but called your name out, “Y/n––I don’t know if this is too forward, but…I mean––You don’t have to do it––But could you give Zilla my number?”  He didn’t get a chance to look at how everything about your appearance dropped.

You were stunned as your mouth hung open, your eyes drooped in sadness, shoulders deflated…But he couldn’t visibly see the weight that you felt like was dropped in your stomach.  He picked up a pen you left on the table and scribbled his number on a sticky note and you couldn’t remember a time where you felt so defeated.

He tore the sticky note off the pad and handed it over to you as he blushed, “I’d really love to write with her.”

You’d love to write with me, your brain screamed at you.  But outing yourself as Zilla’s writer wasn’t worth all the lawsuits you would face.

You swallowed the lump in your throat and numbly nodded, “I’m sure she’d love to write with you too.”

----

Two and a half weeks later you found yourself writing in the same studio.  And while you normally felt cooped up when in the studio, it was better at being at your apartment.  Ever since you told Mia about your run in with Shawn it was the only thing she talked about.

She told you that it was the perfect time to tell the truth about your career––bring that witch down once and for all––were her exact words.  But you didn’t want to deal with the mess of breaking an NDA.  

So the next time you saw Zilla, you told her about your run in, and unenthusiastically handed her the sticky note with his number.  Her smile was as wide as his when you told him you worked with Zilla.  And while Zilla portrayed herself as a down-to-earth singer who transcended all genres of music…She was nothing but the opposite.  

And from your brief run in with Shawn, you knew he was completely opposite of Zilla in every way, shape, and form.

The sound of your phone ringing brought you out of your songwriting process, without looking at caller I.D., you answered, “Hi, this is––”

“Y/n.”

You sucked in a breath when you heard her voice, “I have half of the album written.  I’ll send you the songs and then you can record them,” You doodled in the margin of your journal, “So that way we don’t get in trouble again––”

“No, stop––Shawn is on his way to the studio.”

You let out a bitter laugh, your grip around the pen tightening as it scratched a hole in the paper, “I’m sure the fans will be happy to see pictures––

“No. Shut up for a minute,” at her strict tone you straightened your posture, not liking the way she was talking to you, “He’s coming to you. Where you are.”

You were about to make a quip about how she should talk to you with a little more respect, but when you heard the news of Shawn, your mind went from lyrical songwriting to ultimate panic.

“What?!”

“And I’m like an hour away from you,” you heard a car horn beep on the other end, “God, I hate L.A.––But he––He wants to write songs with me––”

“But you don’t write your own songs.”

“Don’t I fucking know,” she sneered through the phone.

A victorious small smile crept on your face, “Then why did you agree?”

“We had lunch and I told him I had a studio time slotted and he just texted me that he’s ten minutes away,” Zilla said all in one breath as she honked her horn twice, “because he wanted to surprise me.”

“Not much of a surprise if he’s texting you.”

She honked her horn again, “Y/n.”

“Sorry, sorry��I just,” you looked around at the mess you created in the studio.  There were your usual papers strewn around, empty coffee cups, some takeaway food containers on the table that you were too lazy to throw out, “I’ve been here for like seven hours and there’s no way it’ll be clean before he comes.”

“Well do something––”

“Y/n?”

At the sound of your name being said gently in the same room as you, instead of it being yelled at through a phone, you quickly hung up on Zilla and threw your phone to the other end of the couch.  You snapped your head up, and like the first time you saw him, he had his guitar case clutched in his hand, knuckles white.

“Shawn,” You said his name carefully as you looked wearily at him, “Hey.”

He slowly nodded his head, “Is…” and you cringed when you saw him looking around the mess you created in the studio, “…Is Zilla here?”

“Oh she––she just––” you had to think of something quick, “Had to pick something up at the pharmacy and it’s a bit out of the way––and she––so she called me and wanted me to uh––keep watch.”

Shawn looked at you, letting out a confused laugh, as he tilted his head, “Keep watch in a highly secure recording studio where the rooms lock?”

You nodded your head, keeping up with your lie, “She’s very very protective of her work space.”

Again, he nodded his head as he took another look around the messy studio, “I can…see that.”  He shrugged his shoulders at the mess and took a seat on the ground.

You gathered up some of the papers that were on the couch around you, and on the table, and on the floor, “She had to go across town so she’ll be some time,” you shuffled the papers together until they all lined up.  You set them aside and flipped to a clean page in your notebook, “So like––Make yourself at home.”

In the midst of gathering your stuff up to leave, he called you back in, “Y/n,” you lifted your head up to see an amused smirk on his face, “Leaving your watch position in her studio?”

Your eyes widened, “Well, uh––You’re here now so like––I think it’ll be fine if you’re here, and if you have stuff to work on, I don’t want to get in the way––”

Shawn shook his head, “Stay.”

As if you were trapped under a spell, you set your bag down on the couch and sat on the ground across from him.  You sat with your legs criss-crossed as he opened the lid to his guitar case, “So…” you started off slow as you watched him carefully pull out his guitar.

Once he got in a comfortable sitting position with his guitar, you saw him pluck some strings and adjust the tuning pegs.  There was one string that sounded off and you couldn’t hide your cringe.

“That B is flat.  It needs to be higher.”

Shawn moved on to tune the E string, “I think it sounds fine.”

Even though he was looking down at his guitar, you still shook your head, “Get your tuner. It’s flat.”

Shawn let out a playful sigh and picked his head up to look for his tuner.  Once he found it in the case, he clipped it on the head of the guitar, “If it’s not perfect, I buy you a coffee,” he smiled at you, “And if it is perfect, you buy me a coffee.”

You only offered him a smile as your response, already knowing that he would be the one buying you coffee.  And when he got everything set up, plucked the string again, he looked at the tuner and frowned.  He started twisting the peg as he continued to pick at the string until the B string sounded like music to your ears.

Shawn lifted his head up, a small smile toying at the edges of his mouth, as he looked at you through his eyelashes, “Do we have perfect pitch over here?”

You smiled and shrugged your shoulders, not wanting to brag because you did have perfect pitch, “I like a cappuccino––light on the foam with an extra shot of espresso.”  

Shawn laughed at your response and rested his arm along the body of the guitar, “Working on anything exciting?”

You saw him eye the small stack of papers to your left, “Um…” self-consciously, you moved the papers further behind you so they were out of eyesight for him, “No…Not really.” Shawn gave you a look saying that he didn’t believe you, but you flipped the question to him, “What about you?  Getting some inspiration for new songs?”

On the outside, you wiggled your eyebrows in a suggestive manner, trying to lighten the mood with a bit of joking.  But on the inside, you felt your heart squeeze and your lungs collapse.

And it crushed you even more when he ducked his head and blushed, “I’m sure she’s told you plenty.”  You laughed, pretending like you knew he was talking about, but Zilla hadn’t told you anything. 

“She’s just so…Not what I expected,” a part of your spirits lifted, hoping he had seen her for who she truly was, but that was diminished when you noticed the far off dreamlike look in his eyes, “I think it makes me like her even more.”

You breathed out a silent laugh, twisting your hands together, “She’s a tricky one.  Always…always surprising people.”

Shawn nodded his head and slowly strummed the guitar, “I think I like being surprised.”

This time, you threw your head back in genuine laughter, but when you saw his confused stare, you coughed in the crook of your elbow, “Stick with her if you like to be kept on your toes.”

Shawn tried to conceal his smile, but you knew he was already enamored with Zilla, too far gone to be swayed by anything you could say, “I’ll take that advice.”  The two of you sat in another silence, as he softly strummed some chords on his guitar.

“Enough about her,” Shawn offered you a friendly smile, “I’m having trouble with something––Partly why I wanted to see her in the studio––” he leaned over to his backpack to grab out his sheet music and handed it to you, “See, I wanna do this,” he tried playing a chord, “But it’s not––I want it to sound different.”

You snorted and laid the sheet of paper on your knee, “That’s a good way to describe something you want changed.”  Shawn glared at you, and you rolled your eyes, “How about…Have you tried an arpeggio?”

“You definitely went to music school.”

You waved off his comment, “I’m sure you know what it is––just maybe not it’s technical name,” you pushed yourself off from the ground and walked over to grab your guitar.  Having already tuned it when you got in the studio, you sat down and situated the guitar on your lap.

“It’s like; do, do, do, do, do…” You tried humming, but when his face was still confused you started to play one of the most recognizable guitar riffs, “House Of The Rising Sun, the opening is an arpeggio,” you continued to hum along with the notes as you saw everything click in understanding in Shawn’s head.

You continued to play the opening chords on loop, “It’s a broken chord.  So that way you can hear the individual notes,” you explained, “Say on piano, you would play an arpeggio by just playing each individual key, and it’s the same on a guitar.  So when you play it slower,” you slowed down your strumming, “You can hear them more individually.”

Shawn nodded his head in awe of his little music lesson.

“They’re usually played in either ascending or descending order,” you picked up the pace of your strumming, before placing your hand flat on the strings, over the sound hole, to stop playing completely, “They’re also pretty common if you play them in a triad.”

Again, Shawn only nodded, enchanted by the sound of guitar.

“How much do you charge for music lessons?”

You let out a loud laugh and set your guitar over to the side, “I think you’re probably good in that department, but just buy me coffee then we’ll call it even.”

Shawn eagerly nodded his head, “I’m holding you to that––So like, with an arpeggio, is it always obvious that it’s there? Or do you have to listen to it really really closely?”

“I mean…” you tilted your head to the side, trying to find wording for the answer, “I think they’re more common than people realize? It’s a bit technical, because you're consecutively picking notes on different strings, but if you listen really closely, you’ll pick up on the broken chords.”

Shawn nodded, eyes seeming to be unfocused on something behind you, “Broken chords…” he mumbled under his breath a few times.

Feeling a little unsettled with him staring off into space, you cleared your throat, and that did the trick to snap him back to reality.  

He smiled and then nodded his head toward the lyric sheet he handed you, “And these lyrics…I can’t––” He leaned over and slid the lyrics across the floor so that they were placed in between you two, “Something’s off.”

You nodded your head, biting your bottom lip in concentration, trying to figure out the root of the problem.  Because while the lyrics were good, and you were able to hear the melody he had written down in your head, there was something off about them.

“Your rhyme scheme,” you mumbled, eyes still concentrated on the lyric sheet, “It’s a bit all over the place.  So I would just narrow that down, figure out if you’re doing an arpeggio or not, and you should be golden.”

When you looked up, you saw Shawn look at you with the same admiration he had in his eyes during your first conversation when he said how much he respected Zilla’s songwriting.  

You broke eye contact with him and scratched the back of your ear, “But only if you want––I don’t––Zilla is probably the person you should ask about this––”

Shawn shook his head, “She keeps blowing me off whenever I ask for her opinion,” and when you brought your gaze back up to him, he looked unsure of himself, “I know I’m not up to her level, and she’s…nice, but she always seems too busy to write.”

The insecure downcast of his eyes, and shrunken up body language, was a look you knew all too well.  He didn’t think he was good enough to write songs with her.  And what killed you was that he thought that way because she kept giving out false hope to him.  It angered you because if only he knew that he was actually writing songs with the person he admired, he would have a different perspective on everything.

You let out a sigh, knowing exactly how rejected he must feel, and slid the song sheet back over to him, “For a cup of coffee I’ll give you music lessons.”

Everything about Shawn’s demeanor switched like a light.  His posture straightened out, eyes beamed with joy, and his smile looked to be a little too wide after just offering him music lessons, “Please.”

You shyly nodded your head, feeling heat raise up to your cheeks, as you pulled down your phone from the couch and handed it over to him, “You can put your number in and then we can find a time.”

“I really appreciate this,” Shawn said as he swiftly typed away on your phone, “I can’t even––”

“Shawn?”

The voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard to you, but you regained your neutral composure before Shawn had the chance to notice any change.  You looked up to see Zilla in the doorway, glaring down at the two of you––with your guitars out and a music sheet in between you.  Shawn quickly handed your phone back to you, his full attention captured by Zilla.

“Hey, Z,” Shawn waved at her, still sitting, “Y/n was just helping me write––”

“Was she?” She gave you a pointed look that was meant to be a silent yell at you to not help him whatsoever because it could blow both of your covers.

You nodded your head, standing up with your guitar, putting as much distance between you and Shawn, “I only helped a little.  I told him you were the one he should go to.”

And with that answer, you still received a glare from her because of course she was useless in helping him with anything music related.  You could never win with her.

He handed his lyric sheet out toward Zilla, “If you want, you can look at what I have––”

“Actually,” Zilla cut him off with a smile, “I thought we could get some lunch.”

Shawn looked down and tapped the screen on his phone, the light illuminating a small portion of his face, as he looked up with eyebrows scrunched together, “It’s five fifteen?”

Zilla clapped her hands together, “Early dinner then.”

When you looked over at Shawn, you could see that he was disappointed that Zilla––once again––brushed off his attempt to write.  With a slump of his shoulders, you heard a barely audible exhale of annoyance come from him, as he packed up his guitar with a nod.

Once his guitar was packed away, he stood up and offered you an apologetic smile.

“Come on,” Zilla reached out her hand for Shawn to take, “There’s this really good sushi restaurant we can go to before it gets too crowded.”

And even though you could tell that all he wanted to do was sit down and write songs, when he looked at her, his smile was genuine.  He melted right at her touch and his eyes softened.  

His eyes flooded with admiration for her because he thought she was the one who wrote the music she sang.  He looked at her like she was his inspiration to keep writing better music. He’s looking at her the way he should be looking at you, your mind screamed.  

His eyes only added insult to the injury that started the day you signed your contract agreeing to be her ghostwriter.

“I’ll see ya for a music lesson later, Y/n.” Shawn smiled over his shoulder as Zilla dragged him out of the door.

Before Shawn looked back at Zilla, she shot you a smirk, as if she was claiming Shawn in victory.  And in a sense, she had won whatever contest she made up in her head.

She won by becoming a household name, she won by not doing any of the grunt work of composing music, she won by having people do the work for her, and she won the heart of the second most famous pop singer-songwriter in the world because he thought she wrote all her own songs.

And just like that, with the slam of the door, you were left exactly in a position you found yourself in plenty of times before.  You were left alone in a studio, with all of your songs, while Zilla pranced around with the newest person who caught her attention.

But this time, instead of both of you not caring about what the other one did, you could feel yourself being exiled from any part of her life that revolved around Shawn.  And you knew she did it purposefully.  She was threatened that your songwriting could easily sway Shawn away from her.  She was threatened because she knew she couldn’t give Shawn exactly what he wanted; a partner to write songs with.

And just like every other time Zilla left you aggravated with too many feelings, you began to write a song.

----

You took your sunglasses off and squitend your eyes as you scanned the outside patio of the coffee shop.  You were about to take your phone out, but when you saw Shawn stand up from the table and excitedly wave his hands above his head, you smiled and weaved through tables.

When you approached the table, he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and your smile widened as you brought your arms around his waist.

“My favorite music teacher,” Shawn hummed as he pulled away from the hug.

You were a little disappointed he cut the hug off short, but you had to keep in mind that he was somewhat kind of seeing Zilla.  You tried to get her to define her relationship with Shawn, but she would just wave you off and say it was nothing serious or kept asking if you were jealous.

While you might’ve been a little jealous whenever you saw a low quality paparazzi picture of them out in L.A, knowing that Zilla kept lying to Shawn about her songwriting “ability” always made you sleep with a smile on your face.

Just like the past month and a half when you met Shawn for coffee for one of your “music lessons,” he was always there first.  And like every other time before, he had your cappuccino––light on the foam with an extra shot of espresso––at the spot across from him.

Not wanting to waste any time, Shawn eagerly took out his songwriting journal and flipped open to a random page.  He slid the journal over to you and a laugh escaped your lips every time you saw how chaotic his journal looked.  

He had different color post-it notes sticking up from the top, corners of pages that were worn down because of how frequently he dog-eared them, and the occasional loose leaf paper that was folded up and stuck between two pages.

Taking a sip of your coffee, you leaned closer to his journal, trying to decipher the messy script that was his handwriting.

You leaned back in the chair, nodding as you took another sip of coffee, “I like it.”

“Just like?” Shawn wrinkled his nose.

Shrugging your shoulders you took another look at the lyrics, “I mean…It’s a compliment?”

Shawn let out a sigh and buried his head into his hands for a moment before looking up at you with a pout, “Something’s not right.”  He leaned over the table a bit and pointed at the second verse, “I don’t know what it is, but something isn’t right.”

“I like it.”

Shawn crossed his arms as he leaned back in his chair, “No, there’s something you’re not telling me,” he glared at you, “You ripped apart my song last week and now you’re too quiet.”

You took another sip of your coffee to cover up the fact that you did think something was wrong with it.  But like he said before, with the way you tore his song up last week, you felt a little bad.  You didn’t want to make him feel like he wasn’t a good songwriter, because he had a way with words that you found yourself learning from.

He didn’t have quite as many songwriting awards as you, but you knew he wasn’t too far off.

With a sigh you offered him a weak smile, “You’re too vague.”  And with your first point of criticism, Shawn leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table as he took out a smaller journal and began to write down what you said, “You’ve already had songs that have touched on feeling lonely, and you’re really specific in the first verse, but too general with the second verse…” you trailed off your sentence and pointed at some scribbles on the paper, looking up at him, “Why’d you cross this out?”

Shawn stopped his scribbling to see what you pointed at, and when he saw the lyric, his cheeks turned red and he let his curls shield his embarrassed face, “It’s nothing,” he grumbled, “What should I change it to?”

You shook your head, “Nuh-uh,” you gave him an encouraging smile, “What did you write?”

He shook his head and looked down at the table, “I don’t like it.”

Under the table, you lightly brought your foot up to tap his shin.  You didn’t stop nudging his leg with your foot until you saw a small smile grace his lips when he shyly looked up at you, “I’m wondering.”

Shawn rolled his eyes at your poor pun and retaliated by nudging his foot against yours in order for you to stop teasing him, “It’s…” he shook his head, “It’s too embarrassing.”

“I’m sure it’s really not as bad as you think,” you smiled at him again, “If you tell me what the lyric was, I’ll tell you what I think you should do music composition wise at the end.”

He narrowed his eyes at you and stepped on your foot, “You’re evil.”

You let out a small laugh as you rounded your hands around the hot coffee, “I see your three starts next to it, I know that’s your little ‘I need help’ symbol.”

Shawn flipped you off and it only caused the small amount of butterflies in your stomach to grow even more.

With a deep breath, he looked down at his hands and started picking at a loose piece of skin, “I wonder…” He peered up to see your anxious gaze, but then diverted his stare back down to his hands as he tore up the paper napkin in front of him, “When I cry into my hands, I’m conditioned to feel like it makes me less of a man.”

You were in the middle of lifting your coffee mug up for another sip, but when you heard the rest of the lyric your hands froze mid-air.  You felt rooted to your seat as you stared at his face that still hadn’t looked up from tearing little pieces off the napkin.

How did he think that that lyric was not good enough?  That was something that you wished you wrote.

It was so vulnerable and honest and most of all, it was true to who he was.  In songwriting, no matter how personal a person thinks their experience is to them, there will always be hundreds upon thousands of people who will resonate with your story.

That was something you learned and used to your advantage.  

On Red, you fought hard for one particular breakup song to stay on the album that Zilla thought was too personal.  She kept saying––No one will care about leaving a scarf at his sister's house…No one will connect with dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light…And absolutely no one has had anyone ever call them up again just to “break them like a promise.”

But you fought hard and it was the song that solidified Zilla as this generation's greatest lyricist.  And it was also the song she performed on the Grammy’s when her debut album was nominated for Album of the Year.

Nervously, Shawn peaked up and saw the neutral expression on your face as you sat frozen.  He ran a hand through his hair and reached a hand across the table to pull his journal back, “See?  You think it’s stupid.  I––That’s why I crossed it off.  It’s too vulnerable and if people heard me say that?” He let out a somber chuckle, “They would think of me as less of a man.”

You pulled his journal back toward you and snatched the pen he had laying next to his other notebook, “That’s…Shawn that’s an incredible lyric.”  

You re-wrote the lyric on top of where it was originally scratched out, “There’s so much strength in vulnerability.  Not enough people––especially male artist’s––are comfortable with their vulnerability.  It’s refreshing and amazing and what you wrote––That lyric…”

When you looked up from re-writing the lyric down in his journal, you saw that he was trying to contain his growing smile by biting his bottom lip.  And this time under the table, when you brought your foot up to his, you gave it a single tap in reassurance, “It might be my favorite lyric ever.”

His voice cracked, “Really?”

You nodded your head, “It fits so well with the theme of self-discovery and being honest with yourself,” his smile widened with every compliment you offered him.  You leaned back in the chair, arms crossed over your chest with a proud smile on your face, “I think you knocked it out of the park with that one.”

Shawn ducked his head again and went back to ripping small pieces off the napkin, “That…That means a lot coming from you.”

You bit the inside of your cheek as you felt an electric current jolt through your veins, “If that lyric doesn’t make the song I won’t listen to the album.”

With a laugh so loud that it caused a few coffee shop patrons to look at your table, you let a smile overtake your face as you admired how the corners of Shawn’s eyes crinkled in joy.

“I’ll keep that promise,” Shawn scratched the bridge of his nose as he came down from his laughter, “So…” He briefly looked down at his songwriting journal with a smirk before looking back into your eyes, “What should I do with the end?”

You noticed a new flame of confidence in his eyes as he pushed his journal toward you more.  You let out a laugh as you looked at him with your eyebrows raised in excitement, “I’m thinking of a choir and horns…”

----

As your “music lessons” with Shawn continued for the next few months, so did your writing for Zilla’s next album.  And unfortunately, Zilla and Shawn also continued to see each other.  And while it was always a punch in the gut whenever Zilla brought it up, your conversations with Shawn were solely on writing and experimenting with different synthesizers for his new album.

With your contract that essentially hid you from the public, it was so refreshing to be able to collaborate with someone instead of writing by yourself.  Even though you mainly just helped Shawn with a bit of writing and composing some music, it was an experience that gave you new inspiration.  

You always thought you worked best alone, but collaborating with Shawn opened your eyes to everything you were missing out on.

It was all fun until Shawn approached you saying that he wanted to give you credit on his upcoming album.  That was when reality hit you because there was an exclusivity clause in your contract with Zilla stating that you could only write for her.  You tried to politely decline Shawn’s offer, but every time you saw him he brought it up.

It wasn’t until you told him you would stop your music lessons with him if he kept asking you.  

The times after that, you could tell he wanted to bring it up, he was fair in wanting to give credit where credit was due, but you told him not to worry about it.  Someone had been taking credit for your songs for years.

And soon enough the end of July came around and the album you wrote––Zilla’s album––folklore, was released to the world.

The public’s reaction to this album was more than you could’ve imagined.  It started off as an album with no inspiration, just meaningless stories, but it morphed into an album that you held close to your heart.  It had your true feelings, real experiences––that might’ve been exaggerated just a little––but it was still an album based on personal experiences.

And while it only got an eight on Pitchfork––two points off from a perfect album––Rolling Stones gave it a 4.5 out of 5 rating with possibly the most beautiful review Rob Sheffield ever wrote about your songwriting.  You made sure to hound Zilla to send him a thank you basket.

It might’ve been your favorite album you’ve ever written, and while you sipped on a glass of red wine at the album release party, all you had to do was look over to see Shawn’s laughing face to know why it was your favorite album.

He was still clueless that you wrote the album.

He still didn’t get any of the signs you gave about being the true songwriter.  It was always you writing with Shawn while Zilla pulled him away to go out to an expensive restaurant. And while he still looked at Zilla like she was the most inspiring songwriter of today’s generation…He was starting to look at you the same way.

The inspiration behind the album came from everywhere.  It was mostly centered around your frustrations with Zilla and how most of your regrets lied with signing that contract at sixteen.  No matter how hard you tried, it still felt like you wasted most of your potential writing for her instead of yourself.

But then Shawn came into the studio that one day.  He came in and your perspective changed.

You took another sip of red wine as the opening chords of the 1 started to play around the small venue ZIlla rented out to celebrate the release.  Bitterly, you took another sip of wine, as you looked at the boy who inspired the song and threw an arm around the person you despised most in the world.

If one thing had been different…If you were the person who rightfully got credit for your work…Maybe it would’ve been you he threw an arm around and pulled in close to his chest.

Your wine glass was still half full, but you tossed your head back to finish it off.  And when you brought the glass down, you saw Shawn turn his head toward you and offer you a wave.

You tightly smiled back at him and whirled around to the bar to get yourself another glass of wine.

You took full advantage of the open bar Zilla provided and another glass of red wine was placed in your hands.  And as you tasted the alcohol hit the back of your throat, you couldn’t keep your eyes off of them.

If only all of your wishes came true.

----

“And we’re back!” James Corden cheerily smiled at the camera before turning to face the three guests sitting on the couch.

You were backstage watching with Shawn as the crowd clapped at the “return” from the commercial break.  While you never went with Zilla to any of her interviews, you started tagging along to them to fit your “assistant for Zilla” cover story you told Shawn.

And with folklore released just a few weeks ago, you had accompanied Zilla on more than enough of the press tour.  You were back in L.A., which eased your spirits a little, but it didn’t ease the bubble of animosity that you felt toward Zilla every time she talked about her experience writing folklore.

“So, Zilla,” James started off, “Congrats on the new album––folklore.”  Everyone cheered and a smile lit up her face as James continued to praise her songwriting, “I’ve got to say, it’s probably my favorite album of yours.  It’s so different than anything you’ve ever written before.”

Zilla crossed her legs and folded her hands on her knees, “It was…It was a totally different experience writing this album, and when inspiration hits you just have to get it all out…”

As Zilla went on about her fake inspiration for the album, you tuned her out.  You could care less about what she thought the songs meant, but when you heard James bring up a little segment he wanted to do with Zilla, you felt your heart jump to your throat.

James deviously smiled, “As one of the greatest songwriters of our generation––Oh, stop blushing you know you are––I think we should play a little game.”

Zilla let out a small laugh, “Oh?”

Even though you couldn’t stand her, you knew when she was nervous.  Her foot started to bounce and she ran a hand through her hair as she quickly looked down at the ground.

And before James explained his little game, you felt someone rush past you with an acoustic guitar in their hands.  You felt your stomach churn with anxiety because Zilla had already performed on the show, and she was the only musical guest on the show.

The crew member rushed on stage to hand the guitar to James and then quickly ran off.  Your eyes widened and you felt your breath come out short.

“We here at the Late Late Show are obsessed with folklore––and even more obsessed with your songwriting.”

Oh no.

James handed the guitar to Zilla who took it with shaky hands, “And we challenge you to write a mini-song. Right here,” The crowd cheered, “Right now.”

Oh no.

Your jaw dropped the same time as Zilla’s and she whipped her head to look backstage at you with petrified eyes.  

“Oh, James…” Zilla nervously laughed as one of her hands gripped the neck of the guitar, “You can’t just write a song in that amount of time.”

One of the guests spoke up from the couch, “But earlier you said that it only took you seven minutes to write the chorus of hoax.”

But there was a small little detail that everyone was missing.  It didn’t take Zilla seven minutes to write the chorus to that song…It took you seven minutes to write it.

Zilla glared at the guest, “It needed some tweaking after––”

James let out a loud laugh and waved her off, “Oh stop being modest,” he then turned in his seat to face the audience and speak into the camera, “After the break we’ll have a brand new little song from singer-songwriter, Zilla!”

The crowd erupted in cheers while both you and Zilla stood frozen in place.  Never in your wildest dreams did you ever think Zilla would be in this position.  Before every single interview or T.V. appearance, Zilla had her manager carefully pre-screen all of the questions and segments she would be part of to make sure nothing like this happened.

“This is exciting,” Shawn bounced on his feet, and for a moment, you forgot that he was standing next to you, “She always changes topics whenever I try to talk songwriting with her.”

This was definitely not an ideal situation for either her or you.

“That’s…” you looked around to see the audience excitedly talking amongst each other.  You heard one girl in the front row say how she couldn’t believe she was going to witness the Zilla write something in front of her.  You were beginning to feel increasingly hot with ever second that passed, “That’s one way to put it.”

“And we’re back!”

Zilla’s head whirled around again to look at you, but you turned your head to the side to try and find the nearest trash can in case you threw up.

“Zilla…” James started off with a smirk, “You just sat here looking off to the side…I’m hoping you heard the music in your head.”

The audience laughed, Shawn laughed, and Zilla just sat there in silence.

“Well, go on then,” James gestured to the guitar, “Play us what you wrote.”

At least Zilla knew how to play the guitar, and she started off strumming a random chord as she let out a shaky breath before singing.

“Oh…You make me feel like the sky…So…Blue,” you visibly cringed at her lyrics and were reminded as to why you were hired.  But as she continued to sing, you started to feel more and more nauseous, “Oh…I wish you made me feel like…The sun, so bright and…Yellow.”

Everyone was silent.

You couldn’t keep your eyes off her as she still had her eyes shut tight.  You knew exactly how she was feeling; embarrassed, nauseous, and utterly humiliated.  You took a peak at Shawn and saw that his mouth tugged down in a frown, lips slightly parted, with his eyebrows furrowed together in confusion.

James’s stare was blank before he let out a forced chuckle, side-eyeing the audience, before he turned his attention back to Zilla, “Nice warm up, but now, let the magic flow and sing us the real song.”

Zilla opened her eyes and took in a deep breath, “That––I told you––You can’t push inspiration.”

James nodded his head, eyes wide in surprise at how Zilla snapped at him.  Zilla was always poised, always charming everyone in the room, and never had she ever snapped at anyone in public before.  Her jaw was clenched and you saw her shoulders tense up.  

“I––I get that,” James tried his best to de-escalate the situation, “But you––your songwriting––You’ve always been so vocal about how you can write so fast, even without inspiration––”

You were surprised Zilla hadn’t snapped the neck of the guitar in half with how strong her grip was on it.  She glared at James, “Well, I’m just not feeling it today––”

“I could’ve written something better,” the guest next to her laughed, which caused the audience to laugh along with them, as they continued their teasing, “Might need to take away your songwriting achievements––”

Zilla snapped her head to her right, turning her anger away from James, to the unknown actor who sat next to her, “I hired the best songwriter in in the business. She writes only the best for me––”

“––Because what you just sang was horrific.” They finished off their sentence.

For the third time tonight, you froze.  All of the second-hand embarrassment you felt when she sang disappeared and was replaced with absolutely nothing.  You had no thoughts––You just felt empty. You only had a feeling of absolute devastation, paired with a slight ringing in your ear, as your throat closed up.

You thought that her revelation couldn’t be heard by the actor talking over her.  You thought that no one caught her slip up.  But with the stunned look James had on his face, a few audible gasps of confusion from the audience, and Shawn stiffening up next to you…You knew that she blew her own cover because she didn’t know how to keep her cool.

James cleared his throat, “Your…Songwriter? You have someone else write songs for you?”

Zilla’s mouth formed a perfect ‘o’ as she realized her mistake, and her face lost color, “Well, no––Of course not––It’s me––I’m my own songwriter––”

The other guest to Zilla’s left let out a snort, “There’s no way you wrote exile––”

“And we’ll be back after the break!” James interrupted the trio on the couch before Zilla completely lost her head.

Right as the studio lights lit up more of the room, Zilla tore off her mic and stormed off the stage.  Her hands were balled tight into fists as you could visibly see her face turn a darker shade of red with each stomp she took toward you.  You felt your heartbeat stop as you noticed her fiery glare was tunnel visioned toward you.

“She––You write her songs?”

Oh, shit.

For a moment, you forgot that Shawn was standing next to you because all you were focused on was the death glare Zilla continued to shoot your way as she walked toward you.  You had been at the end of many of her glares, but nothing compared to how she looked at you now.  Everything she had built her career on was crumbling and you knew she was going to blame you.

You rapidly shook your head, and when you looked up at Shawn, all you saw was betrayal and sadness, “No––Of course not––How’d you ever come to that conclusion––”

“You’re always in the studio when she’s supposed to be there,” Shawn cut you off, “She never wants to talk about songwriting while you––we’ve––been writing songs together,” his eyes widened as you saw something click in his mind, “Invisible String…” His voice tapered off as he mentioned the song, “You––You said you were just holding onto it for her.”

As you felt your heart plummet down your throat and into your stomach, you continued to shake your head, “I was just holding it on for her––It’s not––I––”

“I gave you a suggestion to change a lyric and it…You changed it,” his eyes that were full of despair suddenly narrowed at you.

Your voice cracked as he took a step away from you, “Shawn––”

He shook his head, “You lied––”

“This is all your fault,” Zilla shouted at you as she took hold of your elbow, spinning you away from Shawn to face her wrath, “If you could’ve––”

“How is this my fault?!”

Zilla shook with anger as you saw fire in her eyes, “It’s just––You,” she stomped her foot as she continued to throw her tantrum, “It’s all your fault!  If you hadn’t been so caught up in writing with Shawn you would’ve been more focused on me.  Because newsflash,” she took a step forward, “You still work for me.”

“You––Y/n?  So she is your ghostwriter?”

Zilla’s eyes widened because she forgot that Shawn was also backstage with you.  And she basically just confirmed everything she tried so hard to deny when she was on stage.  

You were long forgotten as Zilla turned to face Shawn.  She tried to take hold of his hands, but he shook her off and took a step back, “It’s––We have a partnership––We both write–––”

“You take credit for the songs that Y/n writes,” Shawn said it more as a statement than a question, but his voice was still one of disbelief.

Zilla’s face crumbled.  She knew the only hold she had on Shawn was that he thought she wrote all her own music, “Shawn––”

“Zilla,” her manager came rushing toward her with panic written all over their face, “This––This is bad.  We need to do some serious damage control––”

“The show––It’s pre-recorded,” Zilla hastily said, “Can’t we––Is there any way we can pay them to edit it out?”

Her manager grimaced as they shook their head, “Someone had their phone out, recorded the whole thing, and posted it to Twitter.”  Zilla let out a noise that was a mix between a cry and whine, “Billboard already has a whole article written.  TMZ is having a field day…” Her manager rubbed their temples, “It’s really not looking good.”

This time, Zilla did let out a soft cry as she tilted her head back to look at the ceiling.  Everything she built her career on––The authenticity of songwriting––It was over.

“And you,” her manager gave you a disinterested look, “You should probably leave.  If people saw you two together they might think––”

“Loud and clear,” you grumbled at them, not feeling the least bit sorry that Zilla had a meltdown on television and that it was all on video.  This was the Zilla you knew.  This was the “famed” singer-songwriter you had to deal with for years.  She was rude, nasty, and the most self-centered musician in the industry.

With a deep breath, you were about to turn around and leave, but if this was how they were treating you after everything you gave up for her, you wanted to make one thing clear, “Don’t ever come to me asking for another song again.” You angrily breathed out, “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer as I expect that she,” you glared at Zilla, “Violated some term in the contract by admitting to having a ghostwriter.”

You whirled around, hoping that would be the last time you saw Zilla until you had to meet again to officially terminate your contract.  When your back was facing her––all you heard was her crying––but you couldn’t find the one person who deserved an apology.

Shawn was gone.

----

Two months after the public meltdown Zilla had on James Corden, people were still trying to figure out who the ghostwriter was.  But unlike the day you signed the contract at sixteen, there was an extra person who knew that you were Zilla’s ghostwriter.  Shawn was added to the list of you, your roommate, your entertainment lawyer, Zilla’s manager, and Zilla herself that knew your secret identity.

Zilla had come out with a tearful apology less than twenty-four hours after multiple music publications came out calling her a fraud.  And the next time that you saw her in person was with your entertainment lawyer to terminate the contract.  When the contract was labeled “null and void” it felt like the chains Zilla had around your wrist were broken.

And ever since Zilla confirmed she’d been working with a ghostwriter in her tearful YouTube apology video, the internet had not stopped searching.  In her video she said, “out of respect to the writer I worked so closely with over the years, I’m not revealing their identity.”

It was a low blow.  Because everything about that sentence was a lie.  The two of you never worked close together on any songs and you knew she had little to no respect for you.  She made that clear during the years you worked for her.  

Even after everything…You still liked the anonymity that came with the deal.  Especially now, if you were to come out as her ghostwriter, you would have the attention of the world.  And while you wanted credit for your work, you didn’t know if you were ready to be put on that stage yet.

But the thing that killed you the most was not being able to explain everything to Shawn.

He hadn’t responded to any of the messages you left him.  You felt a pang of pain in your chest whenever you pulled up your messages with him and read back through your texts.  You listened to the voice notes he sent you a three in the morning when he was struck with inspiration and you mourned the ridiculous selfies he sent you.

You had taken up a hobby of cooking complicated recipes, that needed your full attention, to keep yourself from hyperfocusing on the regret you felt by not explaining the situation to Shawn sooner.  As you put the beef wellington in the oven, coming to a painful understanding that you would probably never hear from Shawn again, your phone dinged on the counter.

Two months after not hearing from him…He sent you a text.  It was simple, and to a stranger looking in on your friendship, they wouldn’t know what it meant.  But you understood it loud and clear.

Music lesson in twenty?

You yelled out to Mia––telling her to keep an eye out on the oven––as you grabbed your keys and dashed out the door.  After you buckled up, you sent him a response––of course––and broke about every traffic law in the book as you raced to the coffee shop you always had your “music lessons” at.

Your park job was pitiful, but it didn’t matter, because you made it to the coffee shop in a record thirteen minutes with only one person on your mind.  Automatically, your feet carried you through the coffee shop and to the back patio.  You were about to sit at an empty table when you saw that your music partner was already sitting at one.

He was slumped down on the chair, arms tightly crossed over his chest, and even though he was wearing sunglasses you knew that he saw you enter.  But unlike all the other times you had your music lessons, he didn’t jump up and wave his hands above his head.

Like routine, you weaved through the tables until you got to him.

You stood in front of him for the first time since the James Corden incident, and even though you could feel the irritation he felt toward you…You noticed two cups of coffee on the table.  He had his usual black drip coffee and there was a cappuccino.

“Light on the foam with an extra shot of espresso,” Shawn mumbled.

You didn’t know what to say.  So you didn’t say anything.  You promptly sat down and circled your hands around the mug.  Because even though it was October, you still felt cold in California.

The two of you sat in silence for a few moments longer; Shawn was still slumped in his chair while you sat with perfect posture, wanting to be ready for anything that came your way.

It was a silence that came when two people understand each other.

You let out a sigh as you looked at the latte art this particular coffee shop was known for, before you looked up at him with wide apologetic eyes, “I––I know saying sorry isn’t enough of an apology.”  Shawn stayed slumped as he nodded his head.  You saw your reflection in his sunglasses and gulped, “And not telling you because I was contractually obligated to keep quiet about being her ghostwriter…” you let out a pathetic laugh, “Just sounds shallow and shitty.”

“Why’d you do it?”

Why did you do it?  

Truthfully, you didn’t think you had it in you to captivate the attention of record labels and you didn’t think you were interesting enough for a fanbase.  Your plan was to hopefully get a publishing deal, write songs for that specific music publishing house, and have various artists cut your songs for their albums.  But then you caught Zilla’s attention.  And just like how she was with everything else in her life, she was selfish and wanted your talent all to herself.

Wanting to stall before you answered, you picked up the cappuccino and took a sip, but even beneath his sunglasses, you could feel his hard stare on you.

You sighed, “I––I didn’t like the idea of being in front of people.  I was sixteen, didn’t want to be pulled away from home, and I felt like I was better suited for writing and not performing.” 

You tapped your fingers on the side of the ceramic mug, “And before I knew it…Zilla heard one of my demos floating around a publishing company, liked it enough to cut it, and then it turned into signing a contract with her to be her ghostwriter.”

Shawn shook his head as he leaned forward, taking off his sunglasses, tired eyes staring straight into yours as he rested his elbows on the table, “Why’d you let her pretend that she wrote your songs?” 

Shawn briefly covered his face with his hands, before looking at you with a pained expression, “As a songwriter, I can’t…Just thinking about someone else claiming my feelings as their own?”  The look he gave you made you want to hide in a cave for the rest of your life, “Why did you do that?”

You sucked in a breath and shrugged your shoulders, “I––I’m not sure.”

He nodded his head, not because he understood your answer, but in understanding that he wasn’t going to get anything else out of you.

“How’d you do it?” He stared straight into your eyes, not backing down until he got this answer out of you, “I looked at the songwriting credits and they were all under her name.  I searched every performing rights organization database and saw that she––you––whoever––was with B.M.I. And I called the people I knew there and they said that they didn’t have anyone by your name.”  

He let out a defeated sigh, “The only person they had registered for her songs,” the fact that he couldn’t even say Zilla’s name had you smiling just a tad, “Was a Zilla Greene.”

You nodded with a sad smile, “That’s me.”

Shawn tilted his head and scrunched his eyebrows together, “No, that’s not––Zilla Greene––That’s Zilla, not you––”

You shook your head and held up a hand to him, he quickly stopped talking and let you explain, “When Zilla approached me to be her ghostwriter, it was her manager’s idea to have Zilla––whose real name is Willow––perform under a stage name that synced up with a pseudonym for me.”  Shawn slowly nodded his head, “So that way if anyone were to look at the songwriting credits and search her up on a database,” you gave him a pointed look, “It would just look like it was still her stage name. First name, last name, and all.”

Shawn let out a small laugh of disbelief, “I can’t believe you pulled it off for years.”

You shared his laugh and took a sip of your coffee, feeling a small sense of dread in your stomach, “And it would’ve kept going on if she didn’t practically admit it on James Corden.”

The atmosphere went back to feeling tense.

“So, are you…” Shawn lifted his head and looked at the people sitting around them, before he leaned into the middle of the table, whispering, “Still her ghostwriter?”

You let out a small laugh as you shook your head, “She technically broke our contract so, no,” you genuinely smiled for the first time when talking about Zilla, “I don’t write for her anymore.”

Shawn took a sip of his coffee before he mirrored your smile, “All this time…” He looked at you with a hint of remorse, “Whenever I told you how much I wanted to write with Zilla,” he smiled sadly, “I was actually writing with her.”

You nodded your head, “Don’t feel bad,” you waved him off, “I knew the whole time that it was me you wanted to write with.”

Shawn rolled his eyes and lightly nudged his foot against your leg under the table.  At the gesture, you didn’t try to hide the blinding smile that overtook your face.

“I was literally fangirling over you in front of you,” he briefly looked down at the table, letting out a chuckle, before looking back up at you with soft eyes, “And I didn’t even know it.”

You smirked, “Don’t worry, it still boosted my ego all the more.”

Shawn let out a loud laugh as he flipped you off just when you were about to take another sip of the drink he bought for you.  

“So…” Shawn started off slow, briefly breaking eye contact with you, “I’m not sure if you’re comfortable with it yet, but I…I’d be honored if I could credit you as a songwriter on my next album.”

After years of being brushed under the rug, years of someone taking advantage of your feelings for their own monetary benefit, having Shawn saying he would be honored to credit you––actually you––for your work…You felt yourself get choked up at the thought.

You sniffled, trying to hold back the small tears of joy you felt behind your eyes in, “I would really appreciate that.”

Shawn’s smile was wide as he nodded once at you, before he leaned over to reach for something under the table.

He pushed his songwriting journal over towards you and opened it up to a page with music notes.  You looked down and his messy note placement as you heard the composition in your head.

“So, I’ve been practicing arpeggios,” you looked up from the journal to see a sheepish smile on his face, “And while the sound of broken chords sound really cool,” and again, under the table, he brushed his foot on top of yours, “I’d like it better if the chords were together.”

You smiled as you felt a familiar warm feeling in the pit of your stomach cause a shiver to run through your whole body.

“Together,” you repeated his words that most definitely held a double meaning, “I think I’d like if the chords were together, too.”

taglist (add / remove yourself!): @adelaidestreets, @alilovesshawn, @alina--jpeg, @fallinallincurls, @lights-on-mendes, @mendesficsxbombay, @now-that-i-saw-u, @particularnarry, @shawnmendez, @shawnsreputation, @turtoix, @vinylmendes, @5-seconds-of-mendes, @pupsandducks @musicalkeys, @madatmendes @im-salt-but-not-salty @sunkisseddreamer, @crossedties @fortheloveoftheaussies, @illuminatepotter , @par_r, @perfectlywrongsm

[loving-villanelle]

well i guess we viewed s3 very differently because after v did the whole cake thing for eve’s birthday that was the last time i felt like she really mentioned or thought about eve at all and her non reaction to eve kissing her was ooc as well knowing how long she’s been waiting for any kind of intimacy from her. after konstantin gave her info about her family i feel like that was her main focus for the rest of s3 until she seen eve running after her at the train station, even to the point where yeah she was okay with leaving her too which was ????. eve didn’t even have much of an arc so there was no way to tell what she was really thinking, all we know is she was mad at v in 303 and then jump to 307 and she’s desperately looking for her and wants to see her like how did we get there with her all of a sudden? none of it was built up to is my point, so i’m never giving suzanne any kind of props for that season. i get hating the reset of their dynamic in 401 though and that’s valid cause i think we all thought they’d start off the season differently but at least i can tell they’re on each other’s mind consistently throughout s4 (something s3 personally didn’t give me)

Villanelle's non-reaction to Eve kissing her?! V was so damn shook she forgot how to be a functioning person 😂. Not to mention the moment she had after she got off the bus. I agree that her reaction was subtle, but Eve had just been physically attacking her so I don't think V had been expecting a kiss in that moment and was so caught off guard and stunned that she barely had time to process it before receiving a head butt. But she was so clearly over the moon about it once she got off the bus (not to the mention the "so not over me" in 3x04), so I personally did not perceive that as a non-reaction.

I am by no means giving Suzanne any props for s3 because aside from a few scenes, the season was a mess. But that being said, I have to interpret the season through the lens Suzanne gave us. After 3x05, Villanelle's focus shifted. You are absolutely correct about that. But 3x05 was obviously going to shift V's attention momentarily after killing her own mother and then finding out that the "promotion" she was promised was really no promotion at all, just a new title for killing. Villanelle went into a tailspin and wanted to escape, which yes meant leaving Eve. But I never thought Villanelle leaving Eve was going to stick anyway because Villanelle just isn't capable of it and in the end, she ultimately wasn't and didn't leave. She stayed

I personally believe there was build up to 3x08. After it initially aired, I remember reading so many critic reviews that said "the ballroom scene was nice but seemed so random" and it drove me insane! It seemed like the most natural thing in the world to me. Villanelle, at that point, was still planning on leaving. She was saying goodbye to her life as an assassin, which is why she went back to the place where she did her first kill because that is where it all began, and she was also saying goodbye to Eve, so asked her there so she could see her one last time. Obviously things went awry when Helene sent for her and V had to have Eve help retrieve the money, but the motivation of that scene was not lost on me.

As for Eve, of course she was mad at Villanelle in 3x03. This was the first time they had seen each other since V had shot her in Rome. The act of kissing Villanelle though shows that anger is not the only emotion Eve was feeling. Despite everything, Eve very much still desired Villanelle. It would've been unrealistic for Eve to just start pursuing Villanelle again, so obviously there were a few eps where we saw her still trying to push those feelings away. She receives the cake from V and throws it over the balcony, but immediately seems to regret the decision, showing just how conflicted her feelings for Villanelle were at that time.

Niko getting stabbed was the catalyst needed to put Eve back on Villanelle's trail. Eve knew IMMEDIATELY that V never would've done that, because V understood that Niko was off limits. So Eve began her pursuit again to find out who did this and why they were framing Villanelle for it. She was desperately looking for her, because she was trying to make all these puzzle pieces fit. The first words she says to V when they finally have a chance to talk is "Dasha stabbed Niko in the neck with a pitchfork and blamed it on you". So Eve's pursuit of V very much had a purpose.

I understand that s3 was a mess, trust me I do. But I personally felt the pull between them more in that season than I have been able to this season. I'm thrilled that you are enjoying s4 more and I wish that I could see it the same way, but it's not something I really intentionally or unintentionally feel. It's either there in the material or its not and the material just has not made me feel it. I'm loving the moments where we do see Eve having a reaction because of V, but the majority of those moments happen for a split-second after seeing V or hearing her mentioned and then it's right back to business as usual. In episodes 4&5, we had a grand total of about 4 minutes where you could tell they were thinking about each other: the scene where Carolyn directly asks V about Eve, the kiss sequence at the end of ep4, and the last couple minutes of ep5. Maybe it's because overall the screentime has been so spread out with new characters and the core 4 being split up from one another, but I personally just have not been feeling that same pull this season

[nikkiwriteswords]

Hi! I would love to hear your thoughts/predictions/hopes for s3, now that we got the episode titles :D

Hey Nora!! Let me go grab my tua theory hat real quick. Spoiler alert, it looks exactly like the umbrella hat on the 3 right here:

Full disclosure, I've only got like a pinky toe in the tua fandom right now, but I'm still going to see what BS I can spin from these titles.

1. MEET THE FAMILY. The description on imdb is "The siblings get to know some more of the 43 children in an alternate timeline." So, I think this is pretty self-explanatory. Netflix likes to start things off with a bang, so s3 of TUA will probably be no different: we'll probably get a vague flashforward/flash-sideways to a "what if" scenario that will make sense by the last few episodes, and the rest of the episode will be sowing seeds for the s3 plot. The big question is, what family are we meeting? I think this episode will revolve around themes of family (no-brainer) and redefining the relationships between our Umbrella siblings in light of the season 2 finale, as well as their new Sparrow 'replacements'. To that end, initial Sparrow sibling parallels will be presented and subsequently complicated in this first episode. I also predict we'll see varying reactions to this alternate Reginald, as the Umbrella siblings are thrust into an outsider perspective that follows on from season 2.

2. WORLD'S BIGGEST BALL OF TWINE. This is going to be a multi-layered metaphor. I can feel it. It will no doubt refer to the plot that's about to unfold (is it an outside threat to both parties - the Umbrellas and Sparrows - from, say, the Commission, or is it more to do with the two rival Academies?), but I wonder if it also refers to the Wizard of Oz type scenario the Umbrella siblings find themselves in: they aren’t in Kansas anymore. (But you know what is in Kansas? The world's current biggest ball of twine.) Also kind of want to see Klaus knitting again in this ep - perhaps as a way to subtly re-address his ongoing addiction issues, especially now Ben is gone.

3. POCKET FULL OF LIGHTNING. This probably has to do with powers. Sparrow powers, Umbrella powers. There'll be a lot of new flexes in this season, so who this refers to is anyone's guess.

4. KUGELBLITZ. Here's where it starts to get interesting, because this title carries forward the subject of lightning from the last one. According to a very quick internet search, kugelblitz literally means "ball lightning" in German, and refers to both a) a glorified WW2 tank designed to take out aircraft (a certified Big Boi), and b) a theoretical black hole made from light/radiation rather than matter. So this is absolutely going to be a new, unseen power - probably from the Sparrows. Hopefully from Christopher because a cube executing a move named after a sphere just makes me chuckle. Ah, fun with shapes... But in addition, this power is probably going to pack a huge, debilitating punch to whatever narrative is underway at this point in the plot. I'll bet money that whoever wields this power is the tank character in their party or they are after this at least.

5. KINDEST CUT. This throws me back to the barber shop meta, I'm not gunna lie. Someone's going to get hurt, either physically or emotionally, and it's going to be the lesser of two evils. If it's a follow through on the barber metaphor, then Reggie will be the one to orchestrate it. Or, in a surprise twist, will he be the one gTetting hurt or being silenced? (Remember that cutthroat allegory that chases the siblings through the first season, particularly Allison and Klaus. It was about becoming voiceless.) 6.MARIGOLD. Big shout out to this post for spreading the word on the marigold symbolism. I'm pretty sure this will be Reginald backstory, which ties in with the creation of the Umbrella Academy. Also, because I'm a sucker for flower symbolism and reading into things, consider that marigolds:

a) fall into two families, the calendula which means "little clock" and the tagetes, which is named after the Etruscan prophet Tages. The Etruscans believed heavily in predestination - some events are set in stone, and cannot be changed. (Consider the way the apocalypse seems to always come for one set of siblings...) b) are named as such colloquially because they were offered in place of money to the Virgin Mary. (More divine imagery, and reference to a pure mother figure...) They are Mary’s gold. So maybe it’s a reference to Reginald’s wife, which would fit with the flashback scene we see in 1x10.  c) are a flower of duality. They have strong connections with the sun and resurrection, yet the marigold is thought to be a flower of grief because it blooms in autumn. Again, think about that flashback in the first season. At the end of the world and a wife dying, there was the promise of rebirth. d) It's also a very common flower. Remember, there's actually 43 siblings out there. We've only met 14.

Also Netflix loves to do this thing around the halfway point (usually episode 5/6) in a season they're producing. They'll switch up the narrative with a twist or turn that provides a new perspective. 7.AUF WEIDERSEHEN. Once again, a German connection. And, obviously, a goodbye. Considering the last season focused on Kennedy, are we going to get some earlier Cold War time-travel shenanigans? Or maybe WW2? I think Blackman has said something about the Berlin Wall, which is interesting. A country divided... Umbrellas and Sparrows allegory? But as an aside, I'm also kinda lowkey hoping it's a nod to Auf Weidersehen, Pet. If you don't know the show, here's the wiki summary for the first season:

Auf Wiedersehen, Pet is a British comedy-drama television programme about seven British construction workers who leave the United Kingdom to search for employment overseas. They find work on a German building site in Düsseldorf but despite promises of hostel accommodation, are forced to live in a small hut that reminds them of a World War II POW camp. The rest of the series is driven by the interactions and growing friendships between the various characters.

In episode seven, three of the “Magnificent Seven” visit an intercontinental hotel. Just saying. If s3 was to go this route, my money would be on Luther, Diego and Five getting up to shenanigans in this one. I miss 125 shenanigans.😢

8.WEDDING AT THE END OF THE WORLD. Honestly, I’m holding out hope that one of our fave siblings gets married. I feel like that’s a trap though... Actually I feel like it might actually be a trap. As in, this is when the rising action really kicks it up a notch. But also remember the title of 1x01: We Only See Each Other At Weddings and Funerals. Maybe the siblings get split up, possibly in episode 3/4, and they’re trying to reunite through episodes 5-7. Also thinking about hotels and apocalypses...  There’s something very fatalistic about these titles so far. I have a feeling that the B-plot or the subtext is going to reveal a lot more about Reginald’s history and the destruction of his world.

9. SIX BELLS. This makes me think of church bells, which is some nice continuity with the wedding of the last title. But church bells are rung for all sorts of reasons - as a call to worship, or in celebration or mourning, or to tell the time. (Thinking back to those marigolds suddenly.) But why six? Now I’m thinking of bell ringing (change ringing), and the way different bells have different cord lengths to control the time of their chimes. It’s a highly mathematical process. Will this episode be Five’s time to shine? Will he coordinate his siblings through a large attack? 10. OBLIVION. Does anything even need to be said about this one? Hotel Oblivion baby ✌✌ Any further theorising would require more knowledge of the coming plot tbh.

Edit: I wrote most of this at 2am, so I’ve just tidied it up a little. Thank you for the ask, Nora! This was fun to think about. 

[laulink]

Ok, so, I wasn’t able to watch the episode yesterday, but now I did and BOOOOOOOOYYYYYYYYY

I knew it’d be a lot, but that was everything I could have expected and more. 

Let’s break this down :

First, the most obvious : Yang falling. The scene was soooo emotional, because the slow-motion really showed every character’s reaction in detail and it was heartbreaking, really. I’m confident Yang’s fall won’t harm her, especially not kill her, since she’s one of the main characters, but RWB & co don’t know that, and they can’t ask Jinn anymore, nor Oscar/Ozpin, not until they leave the central location, meaning they wouldn’t be able to access it anymore, and Ambrosius himself might not know what exactly happens when someone falls in the void, just like he didn’t know what would happen to Penny if he did as told. So I’m very excited to see what exactly happens when someone falls into that void and what CRWBY will do with the rest of the team. A theory I’ve seen going around is that Yang will reenact the tale Oscar and Ozpin talked about, which is apparently the Remnant version of Alice in Wonderland, and that would be pretty great I think ! The question now is : will Yang go through that journey alone while her team has to try and move forward, thinking she’s dead, or will the three other also fall down into the void ? I’m kinda split on that, because, on one hand, I find it hard to believe that Ruby, Weiss and Blake will fall too, all while Penny is there to help and probably the Happy Huntresses too, but on the other hand, it would certainly be different to make one of the characters only go through such a journey while the others don’t. Like Oz and Oscar said, the girl in the fairy tale came home changed, and it would be weird if Yang was the only one to be changed by such a journey while the others did not experience anything even remotely similar.

Next thing on the list : Ironwood. Two points with him : killing Jacques and fighting Winter. All about the Schnees, huh ? I know it may seem... unnecessary, and anti-climactic, at this point, to kill Jacques off, especially by Ironwood’s hand, but I think it might pay off in the future. Like Winter said, Weiss had opted to save her father : she didn’t forget about him, or decide to let him fare for himself while Atlas was falling, she decided to actively take steps to save his life. And now he’s dead. I don’t expect anyone in the family to mourn him, but I also don’t think anyone will really rejoice in his death. A shitty person is still a person, and normal people don’t actually enjoy learning of the death of someone they knew well, even if they didn’t like them. They might feel relief, but there’s always a hollowness coming with it too. Because that person occupied a piece of their lives and that’s something they are taking with them in death and that will never come back. I don’t know what, exactly, CRWBY intends to do with that, but I expect the news of Jacques’s death to have on impact on the Schnee family members, whatever it is. As for the fight, I found it to be a nice touch to see James cry as he got ready to fight Winter. He still truly believes his course of action is the right one, he can’t see all the harm he’s doing, and it genuinely pains him to fight Winter, because he loves her but he thinks what he wants to do will bring more good and is therefore needed. It’s truly tragic. I fully expect Winter to win this fight, but I don’t know in what state she’ll be left after this, nor what exactly will happen to Ironwood after she beats him. Does Atlas tip and make him or both of them fall off the edge of the path and down to Mantle ? Does Winter try to catch James and fail ? Does she lose a limb in the fight and later has to get a prosthetic and always be reminded of the man she knew who had over half his body replaced by prosthetics ? I’m curious to see what exactly will happen. But I doubt James Ironwood will make it out of the Atlas arc alive.

A blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scene that I found quite interesting too : Cinder telling Watts, in her softest voice, that he, “Arthur”, deserves this. To end Atlas as he always wished he could. This, coupled with the title of the ep, throw us back to their argument a couple of episodes ago, where Cinder broke down and started crying. I already thought that Watts’s words had gotten to Cinder because of her tears, but her words now make me even more sure of it. Which means that I fully expect her to try and fix the flaws that Watts pointed out, aka the fact that she tends to use brute force to get what she wants instead of using her brain. She already started being smart about things again : she asked Jinn to know what RWBY & co had planned, she gathered intel to determine the best way to make their plan fail. I expect her to have one more trick up her sleeve in her fight against team RWBY. Maybe, oh, I don’t know : stealing the Staff and using it to create something and make the central location disappear while people are still in it. Wouldn’t that be funny now. (also, don’t ask me why, but I have a feeling that Watts will not even try to escape while Atlas falls down. As he told Cinder, he’s got everything he ever wanted, and his life goal was, apparently, to bring Ironwood and his kingdom down for casting him aside, so I can see him being happy going out doing what he always wanted to : tear apart everything Ironwood ever cared about)

Last note of this already long post : the bits with the Ace Ops were great, especially Harriet and Vine. It was good to see two soldiers argue about the values they hold most important as well as their feelings : loyalty (to the General or to the people) and grief (over Clover). Harriet’s semblance doesn’t give her tunnel vision, yet she still doesn’t take a single step to the side of the path Ironwood laid out for her. I’m curious to see how things will go for her. I wouldn’t be surprised if she ended up being the only one being blown up by that bomb, killed by her own stubbornness, just like Clover was killed by his decision to follow orders without question.

[konaizumi]

A Tale of a Thousand Stars ep 5 thoughts/reaction

so tian killed torfun, but does tian know this yet? bc that would make more sense for why his parents didn’t want him to know about the donor

 tian, pls stop comparing yourself to torfun, you don’t like phupha bc of her heart and he doesn’t like you bc of her heart

also, yesterday i listened to the full ost yesterday for the first time with the lyrics and it’s so beautiful and meaningful

tian had better be on his on the get his medication refilled

i love tul’s pretty casual reaction after being able to contact your friend for the first time in two months after they vanished with only a vague note

awww, tian looking up stuff to do with the children

poor yod, just wants to eat

can’t believe phupha is still trying to deny his feelings to his friends

lol p’aof

but what’s he gonna do with the second scent pouch?

dr nam, at it again

tian trying to trash talk phupha but with a smile the whole time

dr nam knows exactly what he’s doing

tian, pls stop lying to the doctor, the one that’s going to have to take care of you if something happens, like i get that you don’t want people to know, but dr nam is literally the person who needs to know

“like those who reforest but decorate their house with ivories” tian throwing shade at his father

prediction: tian’s father will get involved with the situation at some point and will somehow be involved in resolving the situation with the mob boss (bc he’s the minister or former minster of environmental smth)

tian really is a trouble magnet tho

it’s great to see tian interact with an old friend, mix and white really have good chemistry of friends who’ve known each other forever

i can’t stop laughing at the product placement being used as an excuse for tian to be horny

*pictures shirtless buff phupha* “yeah it is good for your health” XD, i cant

tian, i know why you don’t want your mom to know where you are, but pls at least give her a call

tian complaining but seeming super happy about the bad parts of the village is so pure, my boy is so happy

not phupha going through the 5 stages of grief while tian is gone

he’s such a tsundere

I’m all for phupha being one of the main reasons tian stays at the village but at the same time there’s no need for them to downplay the importance of the rest of the characters to tian’s happiness, like the village and the children are allowed to be just as important as romantic attachments

phupha’s like a dog with separation anxiety

i loved tul and tian’s whole conversation about tian being gay, i was so relieved that’s how it went

can’t believe gmmtv actually avoided making an entire plotline out of a character being gay but thank god

also the implication that tian knew he liked guys even before he started liking phupha, pls give us more content like this gmmtv

also i love the editing that switches between tian’s and phupha’s conversations

also i just love nam/yod/rang/phupha friendship

thank you tul for immediately telling tian that torfun’s heart has literally nothing to do with tian’s feelings

“ i never said i had feelings for him” lol, sure tian

phupha lowkey sulking while his friends make fun of him

tian literally can’t trash talk phupha without smiling, huh?

pls stop hurting my precious baby, he’s very fragile right now

“i have someone there protecting me already” oh if only phupha could hear that

i’m just very glad that there’s not a whole plotline around tian and phupha realizing and admitting their feelings to themselves, like they both have reservations about telling other people, but they both are clearly aware of their own feelings and seem pretty comfortable with them

i can’t wait for tul to meet phupha and spill all the of tian’s dirt

gives the middle finger (affectionate)

tian seeing that phupha is sulking and immediately assuming it’s bc he didn’t tell phupha his plans (and he’s right lol)

tian being super confused by nice phupha

phupha trying really hard to follow dr nam’s advice is so cute

tian, he’s literally smiled for so many times

“what do you want me to be?” my boyfriend

tian immediately feeling embarrased after calling him p’phu

tian brings up phupha’s relationship status for someone who “doesn’t have feelings”

god, phupha smiling a the secret picture he took of tian is just so pure

the phutian content throughout the whole episode is honestly god tier

you know it’s a good scene when you sit there mentally shouting at the characters to just kiss already

(and you know they want to kiss each other so bad)

i really appreciate them giving phupha valid reasons for being insecure like he’s much older and he’s tied to the village, starting a relationship with him would mean staying in the village rather than going back to the city, and him thinking that tian (a young 20 year old rich boy who’s still in the middle of a college degree to be an engineer) wouldn’t want that isn’t unrealistic, like i just appreciate that his reasons for hesitating aren’t stupid

shit, there’s so much fondness~~~~

how many sexual innuendos did phupha make this ep lol

i love how natural their relationship feels too, like it’s just genuinely two people falling in love with each other

everytime phupha fondly watches tian interacting with the children, i gain a year of life

okay but i love all the forest rangers encouraging phupha to ask tian to stay longer

they’re literally so in love it hurts

tian using phupha’s full title when he’s embarrassed

they’re so happy flying the kites together

the very last scene is heartbreaking but also very satisfying to watch

the fear in phupha’s eyes

also i imagine it must be pretty terrifying bc tian’s not just passed out, it’s not like he just fainted, he’s still conscious but can’t move or speak and seems to be in a lot of pain and to have to watch that and not knowing what’s happening to him or what to do

but that’s literally why you need to tell people, tian, so they can help you in emergencies like this

dr nam, hate to break it to you but phupha definitely knows how to flirt

“im also strong” i cant with this man

yes, dr nam, tell my son to quit being such a dumbass and take care of himself

tian and phupha better kiss next week, they deserve it

shit, this was such a good episode, all the quality phutian moments, finally the heart transplant will be revealed, the tul and tian content was great and I hope we see tul again

MVP of the episode: Tul

[bettsfic]

march pinned: ending the sex project

in the march edition of my lowkey writing-related newsletter, in addition to my writing-related post roundup and upcoming consultation availability, i have personal essay recommendations and a segment on the definition of a project!

for more information on my creative coaching services, check out my carrd.

if you want to receive my lowkey writing-related newsletter directly, you can subscribe here.

full newsletter below the cut, or you can read it here.

fuck february, amiright?

i thought january was bad. but february. february was the stuff of nightmares. my cousin passed away from covid (you can read about her here; she was really an amazing person and i feel so lucky to have known her). i was finally formally diagnosed with PCOS (bittersweet, i guess). my car broke down. i took two (2) days off and it took me two and a half weeks to get caught up again. i can only hope march treats us all a little more gently.

the good news is, i finished revisions on my short story collection to send to my agent, finished workshop submissions for the semester, and now i can return to my first love, fanfiction. that i am constantly working through original fiction to return to fanfiction has been making me think a lot about the nature of a creative, capital-p Project. so, this month’s BTALA (been thinkin a lot about) is going to inspect the concept of a “project.”

new resource

last month i unveiled a folder of my favorite short stories which i’m pleased to hear several of you have perused and gotten some inspiration from. this month i’ve compiled my favorite personal essays. there are fewer essays than there are short stories because i’ve broken them into two groups: personal and craft. next month i hope to have the craft essays compiled.

i’m always looking for more things to love, so if you have recommendations for your favorite short stories and essays, i’d be happy to hear them!

writing-related posts

how to physically maneuver the revision process

the difference between M and E ratings of fic

resources for worldbuilding (check out the reblogs for more!)

a couple syntax/prose book recs

how to break a long work into chapters

march availability

unfortunately i have to cut my coaching hours down a bit, so i don’t have any openings left in march, but i have some availability in april. if you’re interested in a writing consultation, please fill out this google form!

you can learn more about my services on my carrd.

what i’m into rn

for the past year, i’ve basically been trapped in a 10x10 room, and my health is definitely reflecting that, both mentally (does anyone else feel like they’re living in groundhog day? just, every day being exactly the same except fractionally worse than the day before??) and physically (i reorganized the kitchen and could barely move for two days).

reader, i have discovered something called “walking,” in which i put on real human shoes and go outside. it feels strange, bestial. neighbors wave hello to me. a harrowing experience.

while doing this, this walking, i’ve been listening to the lolita podcast which a friend recommended to me, a ten-episode series that dives into everything lolita: the novel itself, its context, adaptations, greater cultural responses, and — as a sticker on my laptop says — vladimir “russian dreamboat” nabokov. as far as i can tell it seems well-researched and presents the many perspectives of lolita in a fair way. i’m only a few eps in, but i’m entranced so far. highly recommended if you, like me, have a complicated relationship with lolita.

i’ve also found myself mildly addicted to a mobile otome game called obey me, which. look i know it’s like the definition of cringe but it’s also mind-numbingly fun and if i want to spend my minimal free time pretending 7 demon brothers are all vying for my affection then that’s between me and god. it’s a lot of what i loved about WoW: frequent events, bright colors, a daily to do list of simple but satisfying tasks, many many rewards, and it doesn’t take itself very seriously. and if i have 4k fic written of mammon/reader that’s nobody’s business but mine and my longsuffering ao3 subscribers.

i’m telling you this because i don’t know anyone else who plays it and am desperate to trade headcanons. so if you play, or start playing, hit me up!! i will give u mad tips and daily AP.

been thinkin a lot about

the project. the project. even the word “project.” PROject (noun). proJECT (verb). what is the project? “project” comes from the latin pro and jacare which means “to throw forward,” or projectum which means “something prominent.” a projector throws forward an image. to project onto something means to throw your perspective onto something else. to embark on a project is to make something prominent in your life. the concept of “the projects” comes from public housing projects, the government throwing forward affordable housing.

what is the project? in joseph harris’ essay “coming to terms” he says that “to define the project of a writer is…to push beyond his text, to hazard a view about not only what someone has said but also what he was trying to accomplish by saying it.” harris’ perspective is that of an english teacher encouraging his students to read critically, not just to summarize a text but to find its project, its greater purpose. and while i first read this essay in a seminar on composition pedagogy, it stuck with me as a writer. it made me reconsider the greater nature of the creative project.

how many of us, if asked to describe our writing project, would begin with a plot or character premise, the nuts and bolts of a specific story? maybe even the working title? but i wonder, is breaking out the plot really the project? is the discipline of sitting down and typing really the project? and when the story is finished, is the project over? what is the project?

in 2019, i wrote 86k words of a novel. i began revising that novel last fall, and i’m finding that i’ll probably keep maybe less than 10k of that initial draft. i’m not bothered by that. the novel i wrote before that started at 125k, then i rewrote the entire thing to 200k, then i whittled it back down to 160k, and next i’ll be tasked with paring it back down to 80k. i’m not bothered by that either. in the past five years or so i’ve written about 2 million words, and i’ve only published 20k of them. only 1% of what i’ve written, i’ve published. in the words of lauren cooper (catherine tate), i’m not bothered.

i used to see publication as the birth of the project, and writing it akin to a long gestation period. then i saw publication as the death of the project, and its life was lived in its drafting. now, publication seems irrelevant to the project. the confines of a story and its many revisions are also irrelevant to the project. the beginning of a story is not the start of the project and the end of the story is not the end of the project. the project is larger than the story, its revisions, its publication, and its eventual readership.

i think it took me so long to see this because for so many years i was still in my first project, the sex project, an exploration of trauma and sexual identity, which began in 2014 with destiel fanfiction, endured through many fandom shifts, my MFA, years adrift as an adjunct, all the way through 2020 with the completion of my short story collection. i used to wonder how anyone could write about anything other than sex. to me it was the only topic worth my attention. i was certain that i would spend my entire life being a sex writer and i’d never find fulfillment writing a young adult sci fi adventure or a highly literary novel about complicated family dynamics. i was baffled by people who were interested in other things, who could write entire novels without using the word “cock” even once.

then my sex project ended. i don’t know when exactly it happened or why, but suddenly i realized i never wanted to write another artful description of an orgasm or find a tactful euphemism for a vagina ever again (personally i prefer “wet cunt” because not only is it blunt, i find it phonetically pleasing). obviously i’m still writing explicit fanfic but it doesn’t feel the same as it used to. sex feels more sidelined to me, even if it’s still the center and drive of a fic. i no longer get any personal satisfaction from writing it, although i do get satisfaction in sharing the work for readers to enjoy.

it’s like i’ve somehow solved the biggest puzzle of my life. or i guess made peace with my meanest monster, that extremely complicated double-mind of desire that some non-sex-repulsed asexuals feel: you want to feel desire you can’t actually feel so you write it into fiction, to try to understand this thing you can’t have and which society tells you you’re missing, and you don’t even know if you don’t have it, because you still feel desire for affection and intimacy, and maybe even a desire to be desired. and for those of us who are asexual and have c-ptsd, sex you don’t actually want (but don’t know you don’t want, because maybe you’re ambivalent and mildly curious and touch-starved) and an unrelenting drive toward people-pleasing can be a dangerous combination. how can you ever know what consent is if you always put other people’s desires above your own?

maybe i’m alone in this. maybe i’m not. maybe for most people, wanting sex is a light switch: yes i want it, or no i don’t. but for me, i had to write a whole lot of words to figure out things like desire, consent, intimacy, forgiveness, the shape that good love takes. the lengthy theoretical flowchart of “i might be interested in having sex if this and this and this and this and this happens in this exact order and under these exact circumstances.”

it was hard to write something into reality that i have never seen except in pieces, in subtext i clung to with no lexicon to give it shape and meaning. te lawrence in lawrence of arabia. some of tarantino’s early work. the film benny and joon. and weirdly, the star wars prequels (that one’s hard to explain; i’ll spare you). i don’t think the sex project was about coming to terms with my asexuality as much as it was trying to organize my thoughts and feelings by continuously rendering my own experiences within a greater, shinier ideal — like how you sometimes have to unravel the entire skein of yarn to find the loose end, and only then can you get started.

i guess i’m in the infancy of the power project now. i’m moving toward themes of control, infamy, greatness. the exact circumstances in which atrocity occurs. how people rise into leadership and fall from grace. the consequences of success. i don’t know why this project has come to me, or what, if anything, it has to do with me. i’m not famous and have no intention of becoming famous; i don’t have social power or influence, at least not beyond my little corner of fandom, and i’m not interested in having it. and yet, here we are, already hundreds of thousands of words in.

my fics digging for orchids (tgcf) and a standing engagement (the hunger games) deal with the detriments of fame. and even float (breaking bad) to a degree is about the aftermath of being so close to power. my novel cherry pop, loosely based on macbeth, is about an ongoing power exchange between two teenage girls. my other novel, vandal, is about a girl who believes she has magic powers and casts a spell on her neighbor to fall in love with her. and i’m in the very early stages of a novel called groundswell, a cult story i’ve been wanting to write for years. i had no idea why i couldn’t write it until i realized it wasn’t yet my project. i’m not even to the stage of developing characters, let alone a premise or plot. i’m still just building my aesthetic pile (i discuss the aesthetic pile here, as well as vandal in more detail), watching documentaries on cults, reading books, finding inspiration, marking down ideas as they come. it may be years before i’m ready to sit down and write it.

now that i know what the project is, i have more patience with myself. it doesn’t bother me to rewrite a novel from the beginning, or to scrap novels altogether, because the story isn’t the project. the project cannot be diminished by cutting words, sentences, paragraphs, entire chapters. the project does not have a product. the project cannot be published. the project is in the practice, in dragging the impossibly large into clear, acute existence, so you can see it. so you can see the very center of what you thought was an unknowable thing.

[howtosingit]

if ur ok with it can u break down the tarlos huggggg in the lst ep after tk tells evy1 abt his addiction? bc that gd huggggggg i wanna no every thing u think abt it i live for ur love for tarlos theyre just so so cuteeeee

IF I’M OKAY WITH IT?! Anon, I feel like I have been waiting my entire life for this ask. I could literally talk about this hug for the rest of my existence. I would talk about this hug every second of every day if I could and never get tired or bored. This hug has owned my entire heart from the moment that it happened and I can never get enough of it. Brace yourself for this essay, and remember that you asked for it...

Okay, so before I get to the actual hug, I want to talk for a minute about why I love it so much and also how fantastic the scene is that comes before it. I’ll try to keep both of those brief (LOL). If you want to skip to the hug breakdown, I’ll give the sections titles. 

Why I Love This Hug

So, why do I love this hug so much? Honestly, because I never in a million years thought we’d get something like it, and it was a big turning point for me.

I have not been quiet about how disappointing I think season 1 was. Too much Owen being Owen, too much Iris plot (which never interested me for even a single moment, unfortunately), not enough of the other characters - specifically the characters of color - and definitely not enough Tarlos.

Following episode 3, the show established a really frustrating pattern with Tarlos: they either never interacted with one another, or there was a moment of them at the end of an episode where they were in the same place physically but never spoke directly to one another. Frustration doesn’t even begin to describe the Tarlos talking drought between episodes 3 and 10 - and honestly? It’s bad writing. To focus on a ship for 3 episodes, giving them a lot of different nuances and conflict, and then do absolutely nothing with it? Stupid. So, going into the finale, my expectations were low. At that point, I was literally tuning in just to catch a glimpse of Carlos, with the expectation that that was all I would get. I really didn’t think I was going to watch the show after season 1. 

When the finale started with a Tarlos scene, I was honestly very surprised. But, then, of course, it was a “break up” scene, and I was like... well. So much for that. See, I fully expected, based on the trend throughout the later half of the season, that that would be the only Tarlos scene we would get, and that that is how they would end season 1. 

But when that camera cut to Carlos Reyes walking through the station door looking like a modern-day motherf*cking Prince Charming? I cried. I’m not ashamed to admit that. And then WHEN WE GOT THE HUG?! I can honestly still feel my heart pounding in my chest.

The finale didn’t fix everything for me; they still barely talk in their final two scenes. It’s not all perfect. But this hug, this small moment? THAT. IS. PERFECTION. (And I’m gonna go on and on about why in just a minute!)

Framing the Hug

I just want to take another moment here to chat about the entire fire station scene with TK and the team/Carlos because there’s a lot that informs why this hug is so freaking incredible. It has everything to do with the directing choices that were made - and boy were they good ones!

We all probably remember how the scene starts: extreme close-ups on TK as he sits waiting for the crew to come back. He’s anxious and possibly having a mild panic attack, and the camera is used to create that moment. Certain shots are out of focus, the shots that are focused are zoomed in to his mouth/hands/eyes, the sound is distorted, his breathing is isolated. It’s all super effective. 

So the observations that I make about this brief moment are: TK is stationary, the camera is basically attacking him. And TK is alone. Pretend for a moment that the camera is a character. The camera won’t leave him alone. No one is there to help him. His anxiety grows. 

(Even when the team joins him, the camera stays pretty close to him, except for one moment where it backs off but then approaches again. It continues to invade his personal space and his personal moments with his friends and his dad.)

Now, compare that to how the scene ends: TK walks away from the camera, the camera doesn’t follow him. It gives him space. His interaction with Carlos happens in the distance. If the camera is a character, TK defeated that character. He leaves it there, it no longer threatens him. I just really like that visual storytelling; that through the 4 minute scene, TK not only faces his demons, speaks his truth, and conquers his anxiety but he beats the camera and goes off to hug Carlos untethered. (He even bounces towards him, but we’ll get to that in a minute.) That doesn’t really have anything to do with the hug specifically, but I thought it was interesting anyway.

The other comparison that I want to make is a simple one, but it’s another reason why I love the hug: TK initiates it. He doesn’t initiate the group hug with his team (he actually almost says “we don’t have to do that” when Mateo moves towards him), though he obviously enjoys it. Owen initiates their hug, flinging himself at his son, and TK obviously appreciates it.

But the Carlos hug? TK approaches him, TK raises his arm to wrap around Carlos’s neck.

Okay, now to finally answer the original ask...

LET’S HUG IT OUT: THE BREAKDOWN THAT WAS ASKED FOR

First, can I just say from his first appearance to the end of this scene, Carlos is there for 20 seconds total and I am about to write a whole-ass essay about those 20 seconds?! I’m literal trash.

Okay, so Carlos appears looking like a fucking snack. He’s changed since the bus accident, looking like someone’s hot date, and I think we know whose... Owen is basically like “well this is unexpected” and honestly, same sir. TK is adorable and noncommittal, but clearly not surprised to see Carlos there. We’ve missed a moment between them since TK was sent to the hospital and Carlos called him impressive, that’s for sure. 

So when TK starts to walk towards him, the camera refocuses on Carlos and we see this adorable freaking look on his face that clearly says “how did it go?” or “all went well?” or something to that effect. I think Carlos knew what TK was doing at the station and he knew that it was a big deal for him, and I love that even before they are next to each other, he’s checking in to see how it went. He’s invested in TK’s well-being - as always - and he’s there to support him, both physically and emotionally. I COULD SCREAM.

In response to Carlos’s silent questioning, TK throws his head back and sighs. Like I said before, he seems to bounce towards Carlos, his body is pretty loose - his arms are swinging back and forth. This is a guy who just took a load off, and he’s relieved about having done so. The smile that Carlos gives him in answer says that he’s relieved too - that it went so well, that TK seems lighter. He might even be relieved that TK is being so much more open with him, clearly showing him his emotions. Their body language for this entire moment is very open, neither of them seem closed off. It truly does feel like, for the first time, they are meeting each other on equal footing, with all of their cards on the table before them. It’s such a different moment for them, certainly different than their body language during the boba date earlier in the episode.

I would be an absolute idiot if I did not pause and remark here how INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT IT IS that TK is the one that approaches Carlos. I’m not the first person to notice and say this, but Carlos “I hate being the one doing the chasing” Reyes stops just inside the door. He lets TK walk towards him. It’s such an interesting, nonverbal conversation between them. In this action, Carlos is saying “I’m here, but I’m still not going to force anything. You said you wanted space, so I’m giving it to you.” Sure, he comes to the station - but I would pay good money to bet that TK invited him there following some kind of conversation about what he was doing there - but he stays at the door. He’s cautious, but open. He wants something more with TK, but he’s not going to throw himself into it just to get hurt again. So, he waits. AND TK COMES TO HIM. TK leaves his own space and enters his. TK takes the final step. TK closes the gap. TK makes the big move, and they’re finally both right in front of each other, on the same wavelength. The find that solid ground from which they’ll build their relationship together. ISN’T IT JUST BEAUTIFUL?!

Seriously, kudos to Bradley Buecker for directing this episode with multiple levels of storytelling at play. It’s really great stuff.

OKAY, there’s a little Owen and Michelle moment, but then the camera finds Tarlos again. 

TK is standing in front of Carlos, they’re completely fixated on one another, their body language is just so fucking casual and comfortable I cannot stand it. See, the other hugs were all pretty intense: the team piles on top of TK, burying him, and Owen practically throws himself at TK, it’s a fairly hard hug for a man with an injured shoulder. But this hug? NOPE.

It’s so soft. It’s so gentle. TK raises his arm like he just can’t not wrap it around Carlos’s neck, like it’s the only way to be as close as possible to him and being as close as possible to him is all he wants in that moment.

What I really love about this hug is that it feels like two people who hug not because the moment is demanding it, not because they’re reuniting after a long time apart, not because they’re in a heightened state of emotion. 

These two hug like it’s just what they do, what they always want to be doing, like they don’t know how not to do it. The whole thing reads like “Hi, I’m TK and my arms belong around Carlos” and “Hi, I’m Carlos, and my arms belong around TK, what else would I be doing with them?” (It’s also the vibe I get from the club scene where they wrap their arms around each other.)

IT’S INTIMACY, Y’ALL.

Look, to be a Tarlos fan, I think you have to be willing to look at the relationship on two different levels, right? One is what they verbalize to each other, which is admittedly very little (season 2, come through). The other is the story that they tell through their body language. These two have seemingly always been on the same page physically. It just comes naturally to them, from the minute they first dance to their obviously very pleasing sex scene to the way they flirt in the bar to the club to Carlos at TK’s bedside. 

Their chemistry is made clear through how they physically relate to each other, and never is that more clear than in this hug that LITERALLY LASTS 2 SECONDS BUT CONTAINS MULTITUDES.

Okay, back to it... so TK strolls towards Carlos, Carlos waits for him - they symbolism is making me scream - TK raises his arm, it’s all super casual...

And then he just kind of literally falls into Carlos’s body, and Carlos basically just catches him. HOW BEAUTIFUL IS THAT.

They don’t even speak but because they’ve had a nonverbal conversation with just those looks that I talked about, there’s just this understanding that TK needs to just collapse a little bit and he never for one second doubts that Carlos will hold him up. THAT’S JUST WHAT THEY DO.

OKAY OKAY OKAY now we’re going to break this down from head to toe.

Like, the way that their heads just rest against each other, TK pressing close - I can almost imagine that he breathes in the scent of Carlos’s shampoo, his nose is pressed right there in his curls. AND JUST IMAGINE HIS SMILE, I BET IT’S BLINDING.

I love that their heads kind of curve around each other kind of, perfectly Yin and Yang - like, from above they would totally look like that symbol.

MY FAVORITE PART OF THE ENTIRE THING: CARLOS FREAKING REYES NUZZLING INTO TYLER KENNEDY STRAND’S NECK, LIKE HE JUST SHOVES HIS FACE RIGHT IN THERE

THE NECK KISS MADE ME SCREAM SO FUCKING LOUD THE FIRST TIME I SAW IT I COULD NOT HANDLE IT

First, it’s our first kiss since episode 2. 

Second, THE INTIMACY OF PRESSING A KISS TO SOMEONE’S NECK - LIKE THAT IS SUCH A SOFT PART OF YOUR BODY, THERE ARE TENDONS THERE, YOU CAN FEEL SOMEONE’S PULSE THERE - LIKE OH MY GOD

Nothing screams “I want to know every part of this man on a deep, committed level” than a fucking neck kiss, and Carlos Reyes just... he fucking does it. 

Okay but he really does bury his whole face in there like he wants to keep it there forever, I have truly never seen something so soft in my entire life. 

I’m so in love with them I could puke.

But like, that’s why this moment means so much to me, because I really do think that it’s a solidifying moment for both of them. 

For TK, it’s a “It’s okay if I stumble or fall because this man will catch me or help me up” thing

For Carlos, it’s “he wants me, he wants this, he’s taking literal steps towards this thing between us, and he encourages me to sink into him, he wants me to do that, he really wants this”

Like, fuck. 

Moving down... we gotta appreciate Carlos being mindful of TK’s shoulder, unlike literally everyone else who has hugged him. Like, he doesn’t even go anywhere near those stitches because there’s no fucking way he’s going to watch TK bleed out for the third time, nope.

And the way that Carlos just slides his arms around TK’s waist, pressing his palms into his lower back?! 

I think there’s a whole like, thing, where when a person’s hands are flat and open they’re like, open and vulnerable. So there’s just something about the way that Carlos presses both of his open palms against TK’s back that feels so open and vulnerable and honest to me.

Also, the way that he literally covers as much of TK’s back with his hands as possible? He doesn’t place his hands on top of one another, he stacks them along TK’s spine - he completely covers the entirety of his lower back. That’s a really vulnerable part of the human body, and Carlos instinctively protects it. AND TK LET’S HIM.

Okay, finally, down to their feet: TK really does collapse against Carlos, throwing himself on top of him and trusting that Carlos will keep him upright. All of his weight shifts to that forward momentum, he even goes up on the toes of his right foot. Carlos plants his feet, and as TK sways into him, he wraps him in his arms and gently centers them so that they don’t tip over to the ground.

He literally re-balances them. The two of them together find a balance with one another during this TWO-SECOND HUG. They shift, they steady themselves, they sink into one another.

It’s literally symbolic of them both being completely, 100%, without question, ready for the next phase of their relationship together.

They keep each other standing, and that’s fucking true love, y’all.

I honestly cannot wait for season 2. This hug and the final scene on the hood of Carlos’s car - with TK again making the move to embrace their relationship by physically reaching into Carlos’s space for his hand and dragging it into his own space, firmly opening the door to his heart to let him inside, while also settling Carlos’s hand between his own to let him know that he’s willing to protect him and his heart too - makes me believe that we are in for some truly wonderful romance with these boys. 

My heart will not stop screaming about it.

[mego42]

A Song Inside the Halls of the Dark and questions 4, 7, & 9 plspls! ☺️

ty ma’aaaaaam!!

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?

honestly, the hardest part of this is picking one bc this fic is somehow almost???? 90k???????? (and that’s not counting the 38K and counting that make up the last two chapters omg rip me, you, all of us, why am I like this?????????) ANYWAY, here are a couple of favs:

in ch 3 when they’re fighting in the hotel room, Beth says:

"So I did it, I did what you'd been telling me to. I played the game on your level. It's on me, but it's also on you. You thought I could be something, right? Well, this is that something. The bitch you trained bit back."

I love it for how it plays on their s2 baggage both good and bad, highlighting how tangled it all is, I love how it flips some of 213 back on Rio and I love it as an outlet for Beth getting some stuff off her chest. Plus, idk, it just feels pleasingly snappy to me.

and then Annie to Rio in ch 7:

“I’m watching you, gang friend.”

mostly bc it makes me giggle. I really love the potential of an Annie and Rio relationship of some kind, I do not think he would know what to do with her and I think an Annie more comfortable in his presence would definitely lean into it.

I have a bunch of other favs but they can’t really be condensed down into a single line BUT scenes include:

Beth and Rio’s fight in ch 9 where Rio finally spills the root of how he’s been feeling

Beth’s conversation with Ruby towards the end of ch 10, I had a lot of fun walking the line between Ruby being a friend to Beth and also being a sane individual watching Beth and Rio’s relationship unfold like ??????????

7: Where did the title come from?

Outnumbered by Dermot Kennedy because I was In My Feelings when I came up with it

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

aaaahhhhahahahaha yeah. not counting stuff like what i’m doing now with ch 11 and 12 (I drafted both, got to the end, identified what wasn’t working and now I’m going back through and doing scene rewrites), I overhauled the fic itself three different times which I personally do not recommend doing after you’ve started writing it bc it’s very stressful.

1. the original version that I mostly ended up keeping and working into the first three chapters was a one-shot (lmao, I know) bottle ep thingy where Beth and Rio were trapped in a hotel room for a night with nothing to do but deal with each other

2. the original version of the plot was v different and I started messing with it around ch 4/5 and diverged from it completely with ch 6 when I moved up the PP fire (I forget exactly what was supposed to happen but it was boring)

3. when I got to ch 9 I realized I hated my new ending and had a complete and utter meltdown that @foxmagpie had to talk me down from where I was ready to throw in the towel entirely

fic q’s