#i think my mom thinks i have an ed?
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dude my mum just commented that ive been losing weight and she asked if ive been eating enough and i!!! i dont even know why im so sensitive about shit like that but it pissed me off so bad so i went down and locked myself in my dads room, cause they keep the scales in there so me and my brother dont use them (kudos to my parents for that one tbh) and one didnt work and the other said 37 fucking pounds!!!! which i know DAMN well isnt possible because 1: no one is 37 pounds that's like. dog weight. and 2: last time i weight myself, which wasnt too long ago, i was 145!!!!!! and yes i know it said pounds on the scale i checked. but i dont know even though i knew it was wrong it really freaked me out fsr? so now im kind of binging tbh but its ok. its ok.
#am rots#tw ed but not sheeran#kind of?#i mean i dont actually have an ed but i feel like it could be triggering to someone with an ed#is this insensitive?? i feel like it might be????#am i allowed to be worried about being too skinny??? idkidk#whatever#i think my mom thinks i have an ed?#which is absurd because i dont#i just have a small appetite theres nothing fuckjng wrong with that#i eat when im hungry. thats normal#but whatever!!!! what fucking ever!!!!!!!!
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heh
#vent#tw panic attack#so um#tw ed#today we had this community dinner thing in out neighbourhood#my grandpa was one of the organisers so i had to go there to eat#but as soon as i went there people kept pinpointing how much weight I'd lost#and it js . i couldnt take it and ran away#my dad got SUPER mad#mom too#but i had a really bad panic attack and i js . idk#its fine now#but i js couldnt stop shaking there and it was all really um overwhelming#i didnt want . anyone to see#they already think i have this superiority complex or something cuz i dont talk yo anyone#i dont i js dont know how to talk to peole in general plus they make me feel like shit too as is evident from the panic attack#and i ended up not eating not anything for dinner#i did have some rice in the afternoon i think so i did eat today#maybe ill make something later but im really tired
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HOLD ON i can't stop thinking about a take i keep seeing that's like "kraken ed wasn't really that bad, he only hurt izzy and izzy deserved it." because like, even putting aside the izzy apologist in me, it's still just objectively wrong. he pushed lucius off the ship! as far as anyone knew he killed him!! that seems kind of like hurting someone to me!!
#plus the yknow. threatening the crew with a gun#nearly killing them all#not to mention the crew watching him hurt izzy is not a great fucking time for them#like even if they think he kinda sucks ur boss just fuckin SHOT him !! you're probably gonna be a little scared of the guy after that!!#anyway i still have mixed feelings about the whole “ed is abusing izzy” thing#but i have been rotating this in my head for a while and i need to say it here or i'll start talking to my mom about it#i have already discussed with her the izzy dying discourse at length#ofmd#ofmd s2#izzy hands#ofmd 2#our flag means death#ofmd season 2#ofmd spoilers#edward teach#sorry i don't know how to tag this for ppl who don't want to see it#i assume anyone who'll be too annoyed by it has blocked me already
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Ed's little "...mom...?" 🥺
#maria ross for best mom#because the very next scene is of sloth telling lust envy and gluttony 'hey good work on torturing my son/not-son'#fma#fma 2003#fma03#fullmetal alchemist 2003#fullmetal alchemist#scenes i wish were in mangahood#maybe not the red water specifically but maria being an absolute mom would have made ed thinking mustang killed her SO GOOD#as well as ed seeing her in xerxes again he would definitely have cried
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Yeah, having a bit of a moment over here.
#nomad of nowhere#skout non#toth non#melinda non#fullmetal alchemist AU#don't think too hard into this it's like half Brotherhood and half what actually happened in NoN#Y'dalan nomad was my favorite theory back in the day and i had to pay homage <3#Melinda fans please come get your food#I feel like making Toth take Ling's role is a controversial decision when Scar is right there. but i think it's more in character at least-#for her in season 1#yes melinda dead again and 100 years later another dumbass made the same mistake#Skout tried to bring back her mom and got off pretty damn easy in comparison#Skout is actually NOT trying to get her old body back. only nomad's#but the king here. while in Bradley's role is more like what we know in NoN but the crown in a philosopher's stone#just. you have to trust me here even though this is a mess#gave melinda and skout braids because of Ed but i didn't want to mess with Melinda's design too much
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............ i want to come out.
#its so hard but also im so tired of this ya know???#my parents will be back in may#and..... idk. theyll only be here for a month before theyre on the road again for another god knows how long#it was like 10 months this time that theyll have been gone#and i just....... i want to tell them#maybe this is a result of me reading heattstopper lmao#i got to the part about charlie telling his parents about his ed again and just started tearing up#but also I've BEEN wanting to come out i just think i might actually be to the point where i just. do it.#I'm still half tempted to just send the email i wrote lol#i may print it and hand it to my mom just cus i can never actually say things out loud#but also i need to talk to my sister first cus i think I'll need that back up#sigh#idk. i want to so bad. i want to try.#im so. ugh.#its like a block in my chest and i hate it#my sisters partner sent me a photo earlier of some item in bg3 bc it has my legal name#and i kniw she was sending it as a funny joke thing but just... yeah.#anyway#im just ranting as per usual lol#fuck#shh ac
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i hate my relationship with food. i wish i liked food
#part of why i have such beef with pro ed stuff like OHHH MY GOD id KILLL to not be STARVING MYSELFFFF bc i just dont like food#why do i only like fast food. what the fuck do you even do.#eating is SUCH a chore i have to be in the exact right mood for it#its not even that i dont get hungry its just like i dont want any food in the world#my moms always like ‘you have to eat sometimes even when you dont want to’ like gee thanks i thought i could just like photosynthesize#man ive been in charge of my#own food consumption for 4 months and you think i havent. idk figured that one out#jesus christ its like torture#simons spouting
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#just need to vent rq lololol#my wedding lehenga came out so freaking beautiful#but it needs to be taken in a lot like. i lost 6 inches on my waist since i initially had it made for my body#and everyone at the shop was like ohh wow good job great you look so great now you look awesome#and my mom was like oh wow good job that’s good you did it#like lol#i wanted to just be like#‘thanks i had to go to iop therapy at an ed center where they literlaly taught me how to eat food. like a toddler. thanks’#like i didn’t lose weight for an intentional reason but thanks for confirming you thought i looked horrible before lolol#idk i have been like every size in the book but seeing how much better ppl treat me when im smaller#i’m just like. :)#if my mom says anything about her body or mine tomorrow i will probably fucking lose it and if you see a woman in nj killing ppl on the news#it’s me. lol#it just really took me out of the experience bc i’m trying sooooo hard to be neutral about my body. and like. i don’t need to hear your#thoughts abt what i look like lmao#whatever my dress is beautiful and i’m so beautiful and i’m excited but i really do think i should be able to hunt ppl for sport#leave me alone#nothing you do can please ppl#when i was 20 and 100 lbs and killing myself and sick and miserable every single day my mom was also just like#wow you look great#meanwhile i was balding and fainting at the gym and failing my college classes bc i was obsessed w my body#text#also look at these cats that are just in luis’s apartment’s hallway like rofl who let them out of their apt!!!! so cute#my mom saying ‘you did it’ as if i was trying to do something made me lol#i wasn’t TRYING to do anything i just am healing my relationship w food and my body#bc i refuse to waste my entire life being bitter and miserable and ashamed of existing#like SOMEONE i know….#anyway this could be you too! if you went to fucking therapy!#i ate ny pizza out of spite after all of this#sorry some of you can’t enjoy a fucking carb !!!!!
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today my mom high fived me for finishing a sandwich 😀😀
#bro everyone around me thinks i have an ed#lime what!! i’m just being a silly goose!!#i siriusly don’t tho like not anymore#but my bsf thinks i do and my mom and my dad and my sister#like bro come on now 😔
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God. One of my little sisters is such a bitch. She's done me some genuine damage in exacerbating my already social bad anxiety. But when I have dreams where she's been hurt or killed, it's so horrible bc she's still my lil sister :-(
#its bc last night my dad had a dream she was in a car wreck. he transferred that anxiety onto me#shes such a bitch tho.just like intolerant of things she doesnt understand. and she does not understand my unwell brain#i think she likes my youngest sistsr best now. which fair bc i do too but we used to be besties. we used to explore in the woods together#and play ellos and barbies and legos and poly pockets and magnets. and now we never text eachother. its sorta sad#its not just me tho. my youngest sister and i have a 4 year gap so we weren't really interacting much when were were little bc she was too#bby to me but shes such a genuinely lovely person now. shes a special ed and preschool teacher. i asked her mom how she ended up with both#of my sisters bc my middle sister is the most like entitled person i kno. like my parents r very generous and she doesnt think for a moment#about not accepthing things from them. she thinks shes owed that amd more. its so strange#and my mom was like. thank goodness i got the youngest bc otherwise id think something was wrong with me#im prob somewhere in the middle of them. my brain is just more fucked up so like im greatful but im struggling. theres not a ton of like#really obvious mental illness in my family tho. just here and there someone should b diagnosed and get a bit of help. my uncle is the only#other one who could possibly be bipo1ar but hes also got a lot of problems: severe adhd and possibly b0rderline. so it could just b that but#my dad says when u talk to him sometimes things just doent make sense bc hes had convos in his head wuth you so he thinks u kno already#idk. its interesting tho#unrelated
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Procrastinating so hard even though this is a fun topic about my embarrassing old interest... It's literally an excuse to infodump WHY am I procrastinating 😭
#🤓posting#I need to seriously start though bc this is due tomorrow and I have to make a physical zine (for the first time ever)#because I decided to commit to that for some reason 😭#procrstinated so hard that I painted THREE layers of nail polish (I am usually very lazy with it. so)#and waited for it to dry all the way and everything LMAO#sorry for all the school posting lately I have had a very stressful week lolol#I will be done with projects after Monday and then on spring break the next week so yay#and my transient school is on spring break rn#but I'm moving soon (not out of town yet; my mom is moving houses down the street actually haha) so I'll be busy with that#also why do I keep getting ed tumblr (idk if it has a specific community name or whatever) tags recommended when I type in tags 😭#every time I start a tag with 'I want' or 'I need' I get these tags recommended..... I don't want to have to block all of them UGH#I actually don't think I have any filtered tags rn#anyway sorry for the ramble I'm gonna go work.... not now but soon lol. byeeee
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Y'know...i think wearing earbuds like 24/7 and playing my music and shows super loud probably isn't the best for my hearing..
#it seems I've made my tinnitus worse#i usually don't play my music super loud#but the last few days have been really weird brain-wise#like i have a pretty good relationship with my body and food#but recently I'll get hungry and some little part of my brain is like “don't eat just yet. wait until /this/ time and you'll get skinny”#but i don't WANT to get skinny. like brain we've been over this#it's weird and bad and i don't like it#i think it's my mom again. and her mom#my grandma is very “cut out as many carbs as possible” but it's whatever bc she's super old and sugar makes her bones hurt or something#but my mom has always been super insecure and has tried every diet on the books and always tried to rope ME into it too#which gave me horrible dysmorphia and body image issues that took me like 10 years to get over#and now i am and i love my body and how I'm built in all the ways that made me upset in middle school#and NOW my subconscious decides to get an ED?#fuck outta here#tw ed#anyways.#I'm tired and my ears are ringing
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Me: these pictures turned out sooo good my friend is so talented and skilled and im so pretty and
The dysmorphia, few hours later: how do u live w yourself knowing you look 20 year older than you are . Also youre fat btw. Die
I was just abt to go to sleep man dont make me wallow in 'my face is too round' man who will it help im going to the gym now fuck off
#moth post#but again as i told my mom. even if i get back to weighing as much as i did in high school. ill still think im fat because even then i#technically was overweight#'but u weee so skiny' yeah uh i umm starved myself the entiredy of 10tj grade bc i got competitive abt my friend eating less than me#sometimes i truly wonder. like i always say i dont have an ed but then i say shit like that#i have the entire cringeass tumblrina paxkage. depression anxiety autism ed tendencides and constant thoughts of sh
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it's rlly fun how my parents just straight up. do not care. about the disordered eating. we had all this talk back when i went through a big suicidal crisis a couple months ago, i explained what was really difficult for me, eating socially, restaurants, not choosing my food, etc, and now it's like. okay it didn't exist actually.
mother i am not going to order you around, either you accept that i'm gonna have difficulty dealing with "normal people behavior" or whatnot and you stop looking at me like :/ anytime i am anything but ecstatic at the idea of eating anything anytime anyhow, or you adapt your behavior to avoid the results you don't like to see. i'm only doing my best to handle things from my side, and i am certainly not going to try measuring for you how important family social eating occurences are to you.
#''we should talk abt it uwu'' WE TALKED ABOUT IT. STOP COMPLAINING THAT DOING STUFF THAT I CAN'T EASILY HANDLE MAKES ME WEIRD.#EITHER YOU ASSUME IT'S GOING TO MAKE ME WEIRD BECAUSE YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW AND WHY#OR YOU STOP DOING IT IF IT'S SO UWU HEARTBREAKING UWU FOR YOU TO WATCH#i'm not happy about how guilty i am too of that specific brand of ''oh this is so sad *continues doing nothing*'' form of ''compassion''#they just want me to perform anorexia recovery for them#so they can feel okay we're doing a good job at raising a normal child#they don't give a shit as long as the compusive eating is my mom's meal at the dinner table#just like they didnt care when i had roughly the same problems but not as bad before i had a restrictive phase#i cannot compromise because then WHAT im just hurting my parents for a situation that doesnt make me any happier either?#i do not want to live with them. i do not want to go place or do activities with them.#i dont want to talk to them most of the time and im perfectly willing to handle the times it could be cool to.#but it's really hard to start developping a life of your own when you first of all need like two weeks of total life-reset#quiet at home#and ''at home'' there's your parents who will simply not stop trying to pull you into going random bullshit places#and i can't say no. because the places ARE interesting and time-limited. and it makes them happy. and what am i gonna do anyway?#keep doing nothing on the computer and wait for them to come back to keep doing only the shittiest parts of this unsatisfactory routine?#try to do some work in the house or go out. for them to see that something happened?#i dont know how to live like a normal person#literally not once in my life have i been able to think ''oh i need to do X'' and then just. do X. prepare what's necessary for doing X.#go out and do X. i have to keep stuck at this computer or in this room or with this book.#because there is a million different obstacles to every single thing i'm trying to achieve and half of them are parents-shaped.#everything hurts holy shit#broadcasting my misery#vent#ed tw
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me in fifth grade when my own mother asked me if i was a lesbian (being bi wouldn’t even cross my mind until three years later) 👁️👄👁️
#i think about this ALLLLL THE TIME WHY DID SHE DO THAT#for context fifth grade was the first year i had to do human growth and development#idk if it’s called that in other states but it’s basically sex ed#it’s not like a full on class though it was like a one time thing we did for like 2 hours and then in middle school it was 3 days i think#anyway the girls and boys were split up in different rooms so i thought we would just be learning about periods and stuff which was whatever#but then i found out we also had to learn about the boy stuff meaning the boys were also gonna learn about the girl stuff#and all the boys in my class were little assholes so i was convinced they were gonna make fun of us for having periods afterwards#i was also extremely shy and anxious so naturally i was terrified and i cried for hours begging my mom to let me stay home#and for some reason me not wanting the boys to learn about girls anatomy made her think ‘she’s a lesbian it’s the only explanation’#so she asked me if i liked girls when the real issue was just that i hated boys#now here we are and i do in fact like girls lmao#but that was not a factor at the time and to this day that conversation makes me laugh sm cause what#lj.txt
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Once again thinking about the person who I enjoy talking to the most and I talk to every day or almost every day is my aunt. Let me repeat that: MY AUNT. Who is a family member...
#personal#Once again thinking about that post from earlier I RB-ed that's like 'The 28 year old girl who has no friends and just texts their mom.'#LITERALLY ME!#I sometimes wonder why I have a fancy phone when I literally do not... talk to people... My texts are as dry as the Sahara...#It would be embarrassing if I did give a fuck. I would k*ll for my family.
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