#i may print it and hand it to my mom just cus i can never actually say things out loud

[altruistic-meme]

............ i want to come out.

[thehumansymphony]

I spent a glorious 16 hours with Todd this weekend

I’ve been so bad about keeping up with these stories I’m so sorry. I am a disaster of a human. 

This is fucking long so it’s going under a cut.

So this spring I’m back to singing in the Community Chorus as well as the Civic Chorale. The slightly stressful part about this is that we had rehearsals start on January 8th for the Unity concert we did last Saturday the 27th.

Earlier this week, Todd and I decided that we'd do what we did for last year's Unity Concert (minus my sprained knee that I shouldn't have performed with)::

I'd meet him at his house and we'd go together to our 9am dress rehearsal. When that was done (scheduled for around 12pm) we'd go out to the Civic Chorale's music library to assemble folders for me to distribute on Tuesday. Then a quick lunch (provided there's enough time for more than a quick snack) on the way back to Todd's house where we would print all the tickets to be left at Will Call. Then Todd would get in his tux and we'd leave for the concert hall, aiming to be there to set up the box office at least 30 minutes before it's set to open at 6. 7:30 concert, then out for a celebratory drink.

It was going to be a long day.

So we decided that Todd wasn't going to do ticket sales before our dress rehearsal on Saturday morning so we didn't have to be there terribly early. I got to his house around 8:20 and we were planning to leave around 8:30. As typically happens, Todd was running just a wee bit behind. His mom was cooking him some oatmeal when he opened the door for me.

I love watching Dottie be maternal. I just love her so much in general. She dished up some of the oatmeal and shoved it at Todd, followed by a thing of cinnamon and some milk. And then she sat and talked to me while he scarfed his breakfast down. She was so sad to hear that I wasn't working anymore but she was excited about my going back to school for a bit. When Todd went to put his empty bowl in the sink she nagged him to take a vitamin. And then she nagged both of us about not having gotten flu shots yet. She joked that she’d call the clinic where she’d gotten her flu shot and then give us the hours and I almost responded “yes Mother”.

Finally we were on our way. Our drive to the concert hall was pretty quiet- it was waaaaay too early for conversations and neither of us are morning people- thought we we both humming and warming ourselves up a bit.

Dress Rehearsal went very very smoothly. We ran through both of the pieces we were doing and Dr Thomas was, to everyone's surprise, incredibly pleased. He let us go early at 10:15.

Todd and I had recruited our friend Donna to meet us out at TCC and help us do folders and the three of us all have very twisted humor and we were all cracking up the whole time we were working. At one point I’d taken my glasses off because the Rx is very out-of-date and it bothers me sometimes. But I was trying to write something on a sticky note with a Sharpie marker so I was holding it very close to my face. I inhaled a little to much and started making faces. Todd teased me, asking if I was trying to get high on the fumes. Donna scoffed and called me an amateur which got us all laughing.

[A slightly less-great thing is that evidently Todd’s ex (Who I will be referring to as K** because I’m just not comfortable posting her name?) has finally made good on what she’s been saying for years and she is singing with Community Chorus this semester as well. I know she also wants to come back to Chorale so I’m surprised I haven’t seen her there yet. But my theory is that, with there being 200-300 singers in Community Chorus, she can kind of fly more under the radar than in a small group like Chorale. I don’t really know what she looks like so I wouldn’t have recognized her being there. But Todd was saying to  Donna that “apparently my ex finally made it to a dress rehearsal this morning”. And Donna kind of made a face and she asked him some questions very quietly while I tried to make myself busy because I still feel weird getting to hear about this girl. (I know that Todd really never wanted people to find out about things after they’d broken up but she’d gone against his wishes and I ended up seeing things. And he’s given me permission to be part of these conversations but it still just doesn’t feel right.) But she asked him if he was going to talk to anyone about her being back and he said that there wasn’t really any point because unless she tries to start something there’s no good reason for him to do anything. Which honestly kind of kills me a bit because I just feel so protective of him where K** is involved.]

Since we haven't gotten all of our music in yet and we had an extra hand  with the folders, we ended up totally done by about 12:30. And we weren’t entirely sure what to do with the extra time. Todd and I decided we'd take Donna out to lunch so we met her at this sandwich place about halfway between her house and Todd's. It wasn't half bad, though I did end up with way too much food for my first meal of the day but I have no regrets. The three of us spent about an hour brainstorming songs we could put small groups together for in the summer when Chorale does music from the 70s. There are so many really great options, we're having such a hard time narrowing it down. The one downside I've found to being a music nerd.

When we were leaving lunch, Donna said she was going to go home and get a nap in the 5 hours before she had to be back in our warm-up room at 7. Todd and I both made a face at her and said we were heading back to his house to work on box office stuff.

Dottie called while we were driving to say she was at the store and to ask about what we wanted her to make us for dinner, if anything, before we had to leave for the concert. Which was SUPER sweet of her and once again I would like for her to adopt me. We declined her dinner offer since we had just had lunch and it was much more filling than we were expecting. And neither of us like singing on a really full stomach.

So we make it back to his house and we basically take over their entire living room. Todd unpacks one of the box office computers, a ticket printer and some ticket stock and sets them on the coffee table by the couch. He sets the 3 cords we need down on the table and runs to grab his other bag of ticketing stuff to find the Will Call box. While he’s out of the room I hooked the computer up to the printer and got the ticket stock ready to feed (he showed me how to set everything up on Thursday night) and then he came back in and plugged both the computer and the printer into a power source. I flipped the printer on and waited for it to accept the ticket stock. Which it did, hooray! Todd got down on the floor in front of the laptop while I chilled on the couch and waited to be useful.

When he sits crossed-legged he crosses his legs backwards (opposite?) to how everyone else I know would sit (I’m used to crossing right leg under left, tucking left foot under right knee. He sat with his right foot over his left knee.) And I know he doesn’t do it without thinking- he did it a few months ago when we were in Atlanta just to see if he still could and I teased that he looked like one of those meditating monk statues. So he does it sometimes to make me laugh.

He managed to pull up the ticketing system and he’s trying to sort out the Will Call orders and queue them for printing and I heard a soft “what the Fuck”. I looked at him and he goes “there’s only 18 tickets.” “.....18 tickets?? You don’t mean orders?” “Nope. Tickets.”

The printer kicked into gear and 2 Minutes later all of the tickets had printed out. Todd asked if I wanted to write the names on the envelopes or pull tickets. I suggested he do the writing since he had much nicer handwriting (“yeah five years of architecture school seems to beat bad penmanship out of you...”) and I would do the tearing and folding. We were done in like 10 Minutes and it was only 3 pm. We had 2 hours before we were planning to leave. And Todd was starting to panic about how few Will Call orders there were and I'm trying to be at least somewhat helpful.

"So How many print-at-home tickets were there?" "Uhm... 252? Why- Oh no...." *trying not to laugh* "What? I haven't said it yet." "Were you going to?" "Going to suggest that we print all of those tickets? Me? After last time? Would I do such a thing?" "YES!” "Fair enough.... Just.. Take a few minutes and think about it. Text Jan (president of Community Chorus) and see what she says?"

So he texted Jan and asked her what she thought about ticket sales. One of the pieces we were doing was a world premiere of a song composed by a professor at FAMU and he would be at the concert so Jan thought that a good number of his students would show up and add to the number of walk-up ticket sales. And now Todd was Really Worried about people forgetting to bring their emailed tickets with them and needing a reprint which holds up the box office so badly. So Todd looks back at me and goes "I'm going to hate myself for this but I think we may need to go ahead and print them." "Okay. We can manage. We have plenty of extra time and I find this task absurdly fun. It'll be fine."

So he cued up all 252 tickets to print and finally they started spewing out of the printer. He, still sitting cross-legged on the floor, grabbed his feet and wiggled himself two feet to his right to catch the tickets as they printed and guide them onto the floor. I kept the ticket stock going in straight and tried to keep the mess of wires we had on the table from interfering. After about 8 minutes of printing we started running out of stock.

"Uhm. Todd. There's like 10 tickets left here I think we need more..." He looked up right as the last ticket got spat out. "SHIT shit shit shit shit shit" He tried to stand up too quickly and his legs were still crossed so he just flopped over like an egg. He managed to get on his feet and ran back to his bag with the other block of ticket stock and then ran back to me in the living room, muttering "shit shit shit" the whole time. I managed to not laugh though I'm not sure how. We get the extra stock into the printer and it spits out like 5 more tickets. Very anticlimactic. We just stared at it, then looked at each other, and then cracked up.

His dad was upstairs trying to watch college basket ball and I could hear him start grumbling because we were a bit hysterical

So i started tearing and folding and alphabetizing the ticket orders while Todd ran upstairs to see if he could find some paper clips or something to contain the tickets. He found a large box with alphabetized tabs so he started sorting the tickets as I folded the orders and handed them to him. It took us like 30 minutes to get them all put away.

But we work well as a team. We fall into  rhythm easily and we don't have to talk to get things done.

I think it was about 4:15 when we finished.

I helped Todd unplug and pack everything back into the box office bags. We were examining the remaining ticket stock before we put it away and he asked if I thought it would be enough. "I don't know. How many tickets are you expecting to sell tonight?" "Well we rarely have more than 100 walk-ups." "Okay and how many tickets do you think you're holding there?" "Probably about.... 150? Maybe?" "......I think you should aim to be optimistic and pack another thing of stock. After all, Jan thinks we'll have more than usual with Dr. Butler's students. And sales for this concert aren't exactly following the normal pattern."

Todd was quiet for a moment and then started nodding. "You're right. Of course you're right. Good call." "I'm sorry, can you say that again? I've never heard that before and I'd like to memorize how it sounds." He tossed a wad of paper at me.

So we sat and just chilled for a few minutes while we had time. Todd got a text from our friend Chris inviting Todd (he didn't know I was with Todd all day) to go to dinner following the concert and gave Todd a plus one. Not a huge deal as they go out after most concerts but normally it's a last minute decision and Chris wanted to go ahead and make a reservation. So Todd RSVPed for the two of us.

About 4:30 Todd went upstairs to put on his tux and I tried to not fall asleep on his couch.

He came downstairs about 20 minutes later and mostly put together. His bowtie wasn't fastened and his cummerbund was hanging with his jacket on a hanger. Not quite as attractive as full tuxedo but there's still something kinda nice about that look.

Todd had this silly grin on his face and he pulled something out of his jacket's inner pocket and ran to the kitchen to fill it up. His mom, who'd been home about an hour by then and had been watching basketball upstairs with Jon, came down to get a snack and a drink and found Todd in the kitchen.

At this moment I didn't know what he'd taken in there but I head his mom asking what he'd filled "it" with.

"Just water." "Are you sure it's just water?" "Yes! look!" *there was a little splash of liquid. "Well it's definitely clear. But we have plenty of clear liquids that aren't water around here. (*Todd giggles*) Let me see that." There was a pause and then Dottie says, with an almost disappointed tone, "oh. it is just water." Todd cracks up in the kitchen and I'm trying to not die laughing on the couch. He comes back into the living room and I gave him a look and he shows me that he's got the flask he bought when we went to the Dali museum in St. Petersburg last summer.

We were ready to leave just before 5, miraculously, though Todd did forget to move his keys from his jeans pocket to his tux pants when he changed. So there was one slight delay. But we had an easy drive out to the concert hall and it took like 10 minutes for Todd and the box office staff to get everything set up and he ended up with over an hour with nothing he needed to do. He was pacing in a circle looking so lost. It was adorable and I couldn't help but laugh a little.

I was sitting on a bench in the lobby next to a wall outlet trying to charge my phone. So I got his attention and offered him the space next to me on the bench. He came and sat down but still looked out of place. "You're not used to free time before concerts, are you?" "....That obvious?" "Maybe just a bit."

I changed into my dress around 6:15 and brushed my hair and did some minimal makeup. I came back to the box office about 20 minutes later, set my things with Todd's behind the counter, and went to sit back with Todd for a few minutes before we decided to go down to our warm-up room for our call time.

We kind of hid ourselves in the back of the room in a corner. We chatted with some other singers as they trickled in and I helped some other new girls put on the pins we were given- It's the Chorus' 30th concert season so all of the singers are getting commemorative pins to wear. Finally the assistant conductors arrived and started our warm ups and Dr Thomas came in to give us a short little motivational talk.

He told us that sometimes, as artists, there comes a point where you just have to make the decision to let go and become the music. This concert was called "Sing for Joy!" for the line in our featured work: Sing for joy, dance in gladness. Shout for joy, all the earth!

He told us to find our joy in the music and let it fill us. Because then, hopefully, it would also fill our audience.

And then everyone started to mosey up to the backstage area to do our final checks of how our hair was and how our dresses fitted and if the tuxes were all right.

And as we were walking towards to door to get to the backstage stairs, we passed Jan who was talking to a young woman that I hadn't really seen before. And I heard Jan happily exclaiming “Oh YAY, K**’S BACK!" And Todd, who was on my left- the side closest to Jan- quickly glanced that way and started going "Oh fuuuuck fuck fuck" under his breath. So I know what his ex looks like now.

I slowed my pace slightly so Todd could get a step ahead of me and I swooped around to be on his other side so I was between him and K** and hopefully kind of blocking them from each other and we walked just a little bit quicker as we left the room. I started talking to him about some random thing that I can't even remember now- I was just trying to occupy his attention because I figured it would help to deter her from trying to catch up to him for any reason if she’d seen him.

We got backstage and peeked around the curtain to see if anyone had been brave enough to be the first person to wonder on stage yet. They hadn't. So we decided to give it another few moments.

Right before we went on I noticed that his bowtie was trying to hide under his shirt collar and I gestured to see if he wanted me to fix it. He stood straighter and lifted his chin up to give me access to it. So I tucked the wings of the collar back under the tie and straightened everything out.

And for some reason I then ran my hands slowly across his shoulders like I was trying to smooth out his jacket- which didn't need help- and just held his shoulders for a second while we made eye contact and just smiled at each other and then nodded for… some reason… I put my hands down gestured to the stage. "Shall we?" He grinned at me and nodded. "Once more unto the breech dear friend!"

**Side note- A pretty good sign that todd's pretty damn special is that I can actually make and hold eye contact with him. Direct eye contact for more than about 2 seconds makes me ridiculously uncomfortable most of the time. But I can sit and hold eye contact with Todd for a while when we talk and it's never a problem.

So we got on stage and found our seats. I found my cousins (who had driven down from Atlanta) in the audience and leaned over to whisper into Todd’s ear. "Okay, I know we technically aren't supposed to wave to people so if you don't want to be a witness look away now." He laughed and we caught Scott and Robin's attention and we both waved at them.

The concert itself went SO WELL!!!! It was crazy!!!!

The main piece we did (Dan Forrest’s Jubilate Deo, seriously check it out!) was in 7 languages: Latin, English, Arabic, Hebrew, Mandarin Chinese, Spanish, and Zulu. Todd and I were already swaying to the music together as we sang but when we got to the Zulu part- middle of the piece and ridiculously upbeat- EVERYONE was dancing a little on the risers. I moved so much my legs are still cramping up. We finished the concert and everyone was grinning so much.

Our audience, which was smaller than usual, was cheering and applauding so much it sounded like we had a full house.

Dr Thomas came back out and we did an encore of the last few pages of the piece and the audience went crazy AGAIN! There was so much energy in that room

I couldn't stop smiling and laughing as Todd and I waited for our row to clear out a bit so we could leave. I was practically bouncing as I walked down the risers and I managed to only trip over my dress once in the process.

Unfortunately, Todd had to be a nice guy and he stopped a few risers down to let a couple of ladies out in front of him so he got off stage about a minute after I did.

I say "unfortunately" because K** was two rows behind us and was one of the last to try to exit the risers. When i saw Todd finally get back stage K** and Chris were right with him.

Todd looked like he was very determined to not even breathe in her general direction so I went over as quickly as my now-shaking legs would carry me and got him talking in a little corner of the back stage area while Chris kept talking to K** and walked towards the stairs that went down to the warm-up room where people left their stuff. She went with him, thankfully, since they were still talking. I'm not sure if that was intentional on Chris' part honestly but I was glad for it.

[The people that were in Chorale and Chorus that know who K** is and what happened with her and Todd are all so thrilled to see her and excited and I know it bothers Todd at least a little bit. I know he doesn't want to make a fuss about her being, back but I wish -hope?- that at least some of them would be protective of him instead of her?

When i finally managed to cut ties with a manipulative and abusive "friend" last year, the people that we both knew also cut their ties with her to support me and kept an eye out for me. Todd was one of them.

So it kind of baffles me that his friends that know how badly he'd been effected by this girl would still be so happy to see her and welcome her back so enthusiastically?????

but whatever. I'll be a protective mother hen by myself if I have to.]

But Todd and I went out to the Lobby and met our adoring public. My cousins found us and Robin ran over to give me a massive hug. She let go when Scott caught up to her and he gave me a hug while Robin realized I was standing next to Todd and she excitedly gave him a big hug too. Scott, being a Macho Man, just awkwardly shook his hand. Robin was hilarious. She looked Todd up and down and just blurted "Wow you've really cleaned up since the last time we saw you!" The four of us talked for about 10 minutes while people shuffled around the lobby meeting with their friends and family and congratulating any singer they came across. Some of my Chorale friends wandered over to say goodnight to me and Todd and I introduced them to Scott and Robin too before they left to get back to their hotel room.

We let the lobby empty and then went back over to the box office stuff to pack  up the ticketing things and grab our bags. I felt a little big bad because I was carrying my tote bag and Todd's and he was wheeling this suitcase-like bag with the tickets, computers, and printers and such and normally I would walk ahead of him and get the doors but I was also having to lift my skirt up so I didn't fall down two flights of stairs so he was kind of on his own trying to get out of the building.

We were still both so giddy as we drove out to the restaurant that Chris had picked out. I was half asleep but we were both humming parts of the Jubilate to each other.

We got to the restaurant and found parking and as we were walking to the door, Jan drove passed us. So we decided we'd stand out and wait for her to give "Madame President" a proper escort in. So Todd was reading something on his phone and I, being totally in love with space, was looking at the moon shining through the clouds.

The clouds started clearing as I watched and I could see Orion. And from there I was able to find Sirius and the Canus constellations. I'm sure I looked like a lunatic but Todd's never judged me for my nerdiness. At least, not when it comes to space.

Jan caught up to us and we all went in to the restaurant and joined the rest of our people at a long table. There were 9 of us which wasn't the most ideal seating arrangement- there was a cluster of four people at each end of the table that were talking amongst themselves while I was kind of in the middle not really participating in either conversation. I didn't mind too much- I was so tired and my voice was shredded and I don't know the Community Chorus people as well as I know the Chorale so I'm still trying to find my footing with them sometimes. But I was between Todd and Chris so I definitely wasn't bored.

The Food was great and the drinks were good. Honestly, if our waiter had been a little more on top of things I wouldn't have minded ordering a second cocktail. Though I did have to drive home from Todd's so it was probably best that I didn't...

But it was a lot of fun and I managed to get the whole table laughing a few times which was very gratifying. Around 10:30 the music switched from loud pop music to old malt-shop music that my dad likes to play. A couple of the older ladies at the table and I were having a sing-a-long.

Jan's birthday was last Saturday and we never properly took her out to celebrate. So Chris picked up her bill and called it a belated birthday present and started to sing "Happy Birthday" to her. And slowly the rest of us joined in. And somehow, no one could pick a fucking key and we trudged through the song half laughing because it sounded so god-awful. Jan was crying laughing at us. Chris and I both blamed it on the booze.

When the waiter came back to check if we were ready for our checks, I managed to get his attention and indicate that he should put Todd's on mine. When he came back to hand out everyone's ticket he tried to slip ours between me and Todd. I'm not sure if Todd saw me gesture to the waiter before and he was trying to beat me to it or if he just thought it was his bill but he started reaching for it and i had to snatch it away. Which cracked up Jan and the other ladies at that end of the table. Todd just made this amused stunned face at me and squeaked "okay" as I pulled my card out of my wallet.

We all dispersed a few minutes later. Chris thanked me for helping Todd with the box office things the last couple of days. I told him it was no problem and that I actually enjoyed it. Chris just patted me on the arm going "well, that's okay dear." as if I'd just spilled my drink on him.

We were getting back into his car when Todd pulled his flask out of his pocket and opened it to take a sip. "I promise there really is only water in here!" "I trust you! Did your mom demand to try some to check it?" "Well she seemed satisfied with just giving it a sniff." "I love your family." *giggles*

And then we were back at Todd's which seems to be where our more...intimate encounters happened Saturday.

We'd put everything in his trunk so I was digging though my tote bag trying to find my keys (sing to myself and making Todd laugh) and leaning half into the trunk while Todd pulled his bags out of the trunk and set them on the driveway and then he pulled my computer bag (from our adventures in the music library) out of the trunk.

I was about to say a quick goodnight and head for my truck in the guest parking across the road from his house when I remembered that my sweater was still on the floorboard of his backseat.

**Side note- all day Saturday my things all smelled like Todd. It was great. I fell asleep that night wearing my sweater over my PJs. Not for the scent though it definitely helped me calm down for sleep.

So Todd opened the door to the backseat for me (ridiculously gentlemanly) and I grabbed my sweater and the hanger for his Tux jacket. We closed the car door and he locked the car and went back around to the trunk where he'd set his bags down. But he didn't pick them up and we just stood there smiling at each other, still feeling the high of a fabulous performance. I leaned up against the side of his trunk and we just talked for a little bit.

We joked about different parts of the day and things that Dr Thomas had said and "oh did you hear what so-and-so said at dinner?" I told him what Chris had said when I’d mentioned that I enjoy the box office work and Todd laughed hysterically. Between chuckles he thanked me for helping him out. “If you hadn’t been there to help me I’m not sure what I would have done and things would have been much worse. It’s not the most glamorous thing to do but it is necessary and the help was greatly appreciated.”

And it was so quiet and still in their little neighborhood that I could hear our voices, and our laughs especially, echoing in the night. I felt like anyone in the houses by us would overhear what we were saying. I know they couldn't and it's a ridiculous thought but I couldn't shake it.

Which is probably why i dropped my voice so much when I thanked him for standing with me on the risers. Somehow he ended up being the only Tenor 1 for about 3 rows. He had Tenor 2s in front of and behind him, Baritones on his right and me, an Alto 2, on his left. He was kind of on his own for this concert. And he knew that when we started our dress rehearsals on Thursday. But he never tried to move to be with His People.

And I told him I appreciated getting to sit and sing with him because I've really never gotten that opportunity before (save for the very short little thing we did with our group last summer). It was nice to have at least one friend near me in that sea of 200 people and I really enjoy getting to hear Todd sing.

And that all came spilling out of my mouth and I swear to god he started to glow pink in the darkness He said he really enjoyed sitting and singing with me too. So maybe we'll get to do this again in April.

And then he dropped his voice down low and soft too and he thanked me for buying dinner. "You know you really didn't have to do that." "Yeah I know. But I wanted to."

And he gave me this sweet little smile that I honestly can't describe but I don't think I've ever seen him smile like that for anyone else. I think it gets saved for those soft, close conversations that happen at that point of a night where reality and time cease to exist and everything feels like it's just suspended in space.

That time of night when people seem more likely to talk about Bigger things and be more Honest and really speak their minds and their hearts. It's how the night felt when we were in Tampa and we stayed up until 2:30am quietly talking in our dimly lit hotel room. And that was the same way things felt the night I asked him out. And his voice was soft and gentle then too, when he kept talking to me after he said no because he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay. I don't know if I'm the only one that's ever gotten that smile but I don't think it ever comes out at any other time. Though i don't think he regularly talks to anyone else at such hours of the night.

In the few minutes it took us to have these almost-whispered exchanges we'd somehow- I say somehow because I genuinely don't remember moving my feet- closed the gap between us a lot. There was now only about a foot of space where there had been like 5 or 6 feet.

We talked quietly for a few more minutes, like we were now both paranoid about being overheard by the neighbors.

But we both kept yawning and I tried to be the sensible one for once. "Okay. I have my keys, my phone, and my bags. I'm going to go ahead and head home because it's been a crazy long day. But... Before I leave can I give you a quick hug?"

Todd laughed and dropped his bags back on the ground and held his arms open for me. I was still holding my things with one arm but i wrapped the other around his neck and he wrapped both of his arms around me. I tucked my face into that little corner where his neck met his shoulder and we just stood there like that for a little bit. I just kind of savored the moment as much as I could. I suddenly became aware that I probably was whacking Todd in the face with my hair and I turned my face a little more towards his, still resting my head on his shoulder.

We'd probably been hugging for like almost a minute at that point and neither of us had made a move to let go, just breathing together for the moment while everything was still suspended in time. I half whispered a "Thank you" to him and told him I'd had a really really great time spending the day with him. And he chuckled and I could feel it vibrate in his chest and in his throat against my forehead when he told me he’d been glad to have my company. And his arms tightened around me and I squeezed back. I pulled back slightly then, but still neither of us were trying to let go right then. My cheek was against his now and I could feel his stubble against it. That lasted about 5 seconds before we finally pulled away and took a step back.

Even pulling back seemed to happen in a weird sense of time. There was a moment that I’m sure really only lasted about half a second but it felt like an hour where I was suddenly very aware of just how close we were and just how easy it would have been to kiss him then. Or at least his cheek. It would have been so so easy.

And I think that I could have easily played it off if I had done it. Oh whoops! Sorry, I'm so keyed up from this concert and it's not totally unusual for me to kiss some of my (usually female) friends on the cheek when i hug them, especially when excited. (All true things, though not necessarily honest about motive.) Or a less honest "whoops that wasn't intentional, my face was just too close to yours and things bumped together."

But I didn't. So I didn't have to try to excuse it. Though honestly I do kinda wish that I had.

I've never had a hug like that either. With anyone. Much less a guy and certainly not one I had feelings for. How do I keep having these absurdly intimate moments with Todd?

**Side Note- Before the last year, it was very odd for Todd and I to have any intentional physical contact. Our legs would bump when we sat together at concerts sometimes but that wasn’t exactly avoidable (in most instances). Sometimes he’d give someone a hug when I saw him after a Community Chorus concert (before I’d joined and when I was going mostly to see him sing) and I’d half tease him if anyone in his fanbase could have a hug and he’s laugh and embrace me for a moment. Sometimes he’d look like he was about to hug me but he’d abruptly stop himself. Something about last year changed things. I gave him something for his birthday last March (nothing special- a couple sets of cufflinks that were music themed [he’s been wearing them with his Chorus tux ever since, NBD]) and he excitedly gave me a big hug after he opened them.  We had a slight heart-to-heart after the Chorale’s summer concert because I was thanking Todd for taking a few chances with me and putting so much faith in me. He basically let me run our group and he let me teach him some French because we wanted to be kind of nerdy and he gave me a little bit of the spotlight and featured me on our group’s song. And whenever I had a crisis of confidence about it (which seemed to be like 3 times a week that semester) he always made me feel so much better. And He gave me a huge hug when we were talking then. He gave me a short hug when he dropped me off at my house after we got back from our trip to Tampa last summer. He gave me a massive hug on my birthday and then laughed as I (crying slightly because he gave me a ridiculously thoughtful gift) half tackled him with another hug, thanking him profusely. He tackled me with a hug in November when we got home from the trip we took to Atlanta and a few weeks later after I went to the Chorus’ fall concert. In December he gave me a hug when I took him to dinner after I saw Community Chorus singing in the Seasonal Celebrations concert, again after our Christmas concert in Chorale, and again when we spent some time together just before Christmas and then again when I dropped off his Christmas present (again, nothing special, just a poster for a podcast we like and some chocolates) and another big hug on New Years Eve.

What has happened that suddenly hugs are everywhere?????????

Anyhow, that hug was not the final Moment of the night. We kept talking for a few minutes after. Our friend Helena wants to go out for drinks soon, when do we want to try? And hey, we have Monday night off of rehearsal (Dr. Thomas said it was because we'd worked so hard. Todd and I think that the music hasn't come in yet) What will we do with this free time?

SOMEHOW we started talking about concert attire. I think I'd made a comment about how ridiculously long the skirts are because I kept tripping on my dress. And Todd said that he definitely prefers Chorale's jewel-toned shirts over the more formal attire for Community Chorus. And he gestured at me and said something along the lines of "I know those dresses aren't the most comfortable thing in the world." I responded that they actually weren't that bad, as far as choir dresses go. This one is surprisingly comfortable and not totally hideous. If only I could stop tripping over my skirt.

And then, because I can't fucking keep my mouth shut ever, I kept talking. And I gestured at Todd and just. blurted. "And there is something to be said about you gentlemen in your tuxes." And I saw yet another faint pink glow in the darkness as Todd giggled.

I'm not entirely sure what I had to drink at Dinner but evidently I was feeling rather bold that evening. (On second thought that's a slight lie- there was a bit of tequila in there which may explain some things...)

After that I decided I needed to run home before I embarrassed myself further with Todd or did something I'd end up regretting. So we finally said good night and I walked over to my car and he walked through the gate that leads around to their front door. Though I could see his head peeking over the gate watching me get into my truck and making sure it started okay.

I still couldn't stop smiling my whole drive home. There was something about that hug that just lifted all of my stress away, at least for the rest of that night. I felt so light and so happy. It was great.

I slept through like all but 2 hours of Sunday. Apparently I must have been kind of busy.

So now I’m brainstorming things to get/do for Todd for his birthday in March. And he’s buying a house! He closes on it this Wednesday, though I don’t know when he’s planning to move in. But I want to get him a housewarming gift then. Last we talked about it, he didn’t want to move in until he finishes his ARE Exams. He’s trying to finish getting his full architecture license and there’s 7 exams that he needs to take. He took two a few years ago and passed them. He took another last summer and then one about 2 weeks ago and he passed both of those. So he’s managed to knock 4 of 7 out of the way. He’s starting to study for #5.

I’m ridiculously proud of him you guys.

So to wrap this up I’m going to attach a couple of pictures from our concert. Look how nice we all look! And I finally got to sing next to Todd!!! And thank God the photographer didn’t get pictures of me burying my face in my music trying to read the Arabic pronunciations. 

[remembertae]

Beverly Hills, 90210 “Nancy’s Choice”

(Photo: FOX)

S6 E19 Jan. 30, 1996

WRITTEN BY: John Eisendrath and Meredith Stiehm

SYNOPSIS

California University student newspaper editor Susan has been nominated for a Collegiate Press Club Award. Her boyfriend/newspaper colleague Brandon believes she’s sure to win for last year’s notorious feature story about an anonymous young woman (“Nancy”) who had an abortion. The two discuss her odds as they walk into the newspaper office, where they find Susan’s ex-boyfriend/ex-editor Jonathan hanging out with all his former colleagues. Unbeknownst to Brandon, CU has invited Jonathan to the awards dinner since he’d served as editor when “Nancy’s Story” was published. Brandon assumes Jonathan is attending the dinner as Susan’s date and jealously stomps out of the office, even after Susan assures him there’s nothing going on between her and Jonathan.

Later at the student union, Jonathan and Susan chat about the awards. She wonders why he came for the ceremony. He insists he’s there to support her, adding, “Who else knows how much you sacrificed for this story?” Susan winces and Jonathan apologizes, but Brandon approaches before they can discuss things further. After Jonathan leaves, Susan explains to Brandon that Jonathan never approved of Nancy’s story because he’s pro-life and thinks Susan “infringed on her privacy.” When Brandon asks if she did, Susan admits to pushing Nancy to tell her tale, but also believes the story helped her subject heal. When Brandon wonders why Susan cares so much what Jonathan thinks, she explains that he was her mentor and his disapproval hurt. And when she admits she’s still bothered by Jonathan’s disapproval, Brandon stomps off again.

Brandon asks his friends Steve and Clare to come to the dinner so he doesn’t have to deal with Jonathan alone. But then he and Susan bicker more later when she refuses to print his column until he does more reporting. Taking her editorial decision personally, Brandon tells her to have fun at the awards with Jonathan.

On the evening of the awards, Brandon dons a suit but heads to a local diner, The Peach Pit, instead of the dinner. Peach Pit proprietor Nat asks Brandon why he’s ditching the ceremony. Brandon can’t figure why Jonathan came back to town to celebrate Susan’s nomination for a story that caused their break-up. Nat tells Brandon he’ll never get an answer if he doesn’t show up for the dinner and compete for Susan.

Brandon arrives at the awards dinner right before Susan’s category is announced. After he sits down, someone at their table asks Susan what her article was about. She answers, “It’s about a woman’s right to choose.” Steve asks why it’s never the man’s right to choose, to which Clare and Susan both make snarky remarks about men never getting pregnant. Jonathan chimes in to say he doesn’t believe men or women should be able to choose. Brandon asks, in open ear shot of their entire table, if Jonathan broke up with Susan over the article. But before he can answer, Susan is announced as the best feature story winner.

Susan nervously accepts the award on behalf of all women who’ve faced Nancy’s difficult decision. “If Nancy were here tonight,” she says, “I can’t say she might not regret her choice. The effects are that profound and the consequences are that lasting. That’s why winning this award is very special – it honors more than choice, it also honors courage.” She leaves the stage visibly unnerved.

Brandon and Susan take a walk after the awards. He suggests she tell Nancy about her win, to which she replies, “I’m Nancy.” Brandon guesses correctly that Jonathan was the fetus father. She explains that after her sister died in a tragic accident the year prior, she and Jonathan got drunk and had unprotected sex. And when Jonathan learned of the pregnancy, he asked her to marry him. Susan gets weepy telling her story and Brandon embraces her. She asks him if he’s now turned off by her and he assures her that he’s not.

Jonathan approaches the two of them and Brandon lets them be alone. Jonathan is still upset he never had any input in Susan’s decision. She says she wasn’t going to change her life over a mistake, to which he angrily responds, “That’s a great way to talk about a child!” Susan claims he was pro-choice until he didn’t have one. Despite his resentment, Jonathan says he can’t help but forgive Susan and congratulates her for her award win.

Back at the banquet hall, Brandon hands Susan her award and tells her, “Doubting your decision doesn’t mean you made the wrong one.” All Susan can say is, “He forgave me. Now if only I could forgive myself.” She asks Brandon to hold her and he does.

KEEPING IT REAL QUOTIENT

I find this tale very interesting within the context of Beverly Hills, 90210’s previous abortion stories - season 2’s episode about reformed “bad mom” Jackie’s unplanned pregnancy and season 4’s two-episode arc about college freshman Andrea’s oops fetus. In a way, one could interpret this episode as the alternate reality Andrea might have experienced if she’d chosen abortion instead of birthing baby Hannah and marrying fetus father Jesse.

Susan and Andrea are remarkably similar characters - intelligent, intense (one might say “uptight”), proudly feminist women who serve as newspaper editors at different points in the series. Both women have a somewhat competitive relationship with Brandon, and are attracted to him. Both characters are accidentally impregnated by their non-Brandon college boyfriends and, at least at first, both choose abortion. When Andrea pursues termination despite Jesse’s pro-life stance, he threatens to break up with her. Between the prospect of losing him and the shame of terminating her offspring (she tearfully apologizes to her fetus the night before her appointment), Andrea changes her mind, marries Jesse and has her baby. The outcome of her choice is complicated. Hannah is born premature and suffers serious health problems during her infancy. Andrea struggles with balancing parenting and her studies. Jesse proves to be a judgmental, pushy, yet not particularly helpful father/husband. Both he and Andrea end up cheating on each other and consider divorce. Though they patch things up enough to keep their family together, one has to wonder if she might have been happier having an abortion and telling Jesse to kiss off.

With Susan’s story, we get an idea of how Andrea might have fared had she just gone through with it. And, no surprise to me, it looks like Susan’s decision was a good one. Jonathan is a jerk (to the point that he makes bratty Brandon look like a great guy in comparison). Essentially, it seems he offered Susan the same ultimatum Jesse gave Andrea - marry me and have this child or I break up with you. And if that weren’t enough manipulation, now he’s trying to sabotage her new relationship. Why ever would she be inclined to birth a baby she doesn’t want just to be with this guy, when instead she can continue pursuing her academic goals and be editor of the newspaper?

And yet, Susan remains plagued by shame. Not only does she second-guess her decision to abort, she still cannot forgive herself. For what? The abortion itself? Or getting pregnant in the first place? A decent narrative that centers the abortion-seeking character would answer that question, but the writers dumbly assume Susan must feel guilty about something, even if they don’t explain what. Her point of view feels so un-feminist. She internalizes Jonathan’s disapproval. And when she tells Brandon the truth about “Nancy”, she needs to know he doesn’t see her as damaged goods. There’s this moment after Brandon asks her (very judgmentally) how she got knocked up by accident, only to check himself and say she doesn’t owe him an answer to that question. But then Susan says, “Yes, I do.” No, you really don’t! People fuck up and get pregnant by mistake literally all the time. This “mourning my dead sister made us forget the condom” bit is overkill, but the writers probably thought we needed that maudlin detail to feel any sympathy for her. Because unlike Andrea, she actually went through with the abortion. And so she must do penance.

I’d somehow missed this episode when it originally aired and knew nothing about it until it was recently highlighted on the Beverly Hills, 90210 podcast “Again with This”. In her scathing recap, host Tara Ariano commented on the fact that both Jesse and Jonathan were eager to raise their girlfriends’ babies, noting, “This seems statistically unlikely that, of this sample, it would be one hundred percent anti-choice on the dudes’ side.” I’ve discussed the “overzealous fetus father” trope before, and how I believe it’s way overrepresented in the dozens of abortion episodes I’ve reviewed for this site.* Making the male partner disagree with the abortion-seeking woman is such a hackneyed source of abortion conflict, but the trope doesn’t have to be done this poorly. Again, in a smarter story, we’d have more discussion about Susan’s claim that Jonathan became anti-abortion simply because he didn’t have any input (we might have wound up with something like Mimi-Rose and Adam’s story from Girls). Or perhaps, if Susan had to be at odds with Jonathan, she could have been more secure in her decision, as Jackie was when she discussed her past abortion with daughter Kelly back in season 2. But no. Instead, there’s this sense that Susan should want her ex and her beau’s forgiveness. She may have dodged premature motherhood and an unhappy marriage, but vague, inexplicable guilt is her trade-off for maintaining that freedom.

GRADE

D+ I’m glad Susan had her abortion. Her stupid, unnecessary guilt trip (that does not suit her character) sucks, but it’s still better than her starting a family with Jonathan. That’s about all this dopey, lazy, stigmatizing episode has going for it.

Including this episode, we’ve reviewed 51 abortion stories. In 35 of those stories, the fetus father is made aware of the pregnancy. In 20 of those 35 stories, the pregnant woman either considers or goes through with an abortion, and the fetus father disagrees with her choice.

- by Tara

[themessafterthemarty]

11 Questions - Return of the Tag

So my main munch @monstermunch321 tagged me cus she was tagged by someone she tagged after I’d tagged her for tagging me after which she tagged me-

I WAS TAGGED FOR THIS AGAIN mkey that’s the story, that’s all there is to it, no more background here, no sir.

ONTO THE QUESTIONS:

Warning!: This post is long as all hell, because a certain someone asks me questions I can’t give short answers to.

I mean I could, but my heart won’t let me.

1. What is your favourite piece of artwork that you have made yourself?

Starting off easy, I see! 

That was a joke.

Okay, so I’m picking from the art that I’ve posted online (because anything else is too hard to find), and it might sound weird but I think my current fave, at least in quality, is the one I posted most recently?

I’m constantly trying to improve and I’ve seen the old ones way too many times, so I struggle to really appreciate them objectively, and anything that’s even a tiny bit old I just see mistakes in.

But further on the list of “you don’t make me want to stab myself”, I’m very proud of my Dan and Phil in Undertale series, even though I already want to remake the first ones. They were some of the first phan arts I ever made and they got a lot of positive attention which meant the world to me, because I was just starting to put stuff online more regularly and that to a great extent inspired me to continue doing that, even when posting stuff that people didn’t care too much about.

There’s also “that one time I felt I did a good pic justice”, “this looks better IRL but no one notices it on my wall either so maybe it’s just not as good as I see it as but I like it”, “I can’t unsee that I made Mat too tall after someone pointed it out on Twitter, but both Mat and Steph liked it so it’s okay”, and then.... 

well there’s this.

As you may have noticed I choose a lot of these based on association rather than whether I think they’re technically good, and.... I just kind of poured my heart into that one and it’s tied to a very, very, very dear memory, so I don’t want to criticise it technically. It doesn’t matter if it’s good. That’s not why it’s there. That’s not why it was made, not why I made a tumblr post with it, and not why I included it here. It doesn’t matter if a single other person on this website likes it - I frankly couldn’t give a damn if people hate it, even. What matters is that right now there’s one printed copy of this in existence and it’s hopefully in some box in a storage facility - maybe even a storage closet if I’m lucky - owned by Dan Howell and Phil Lester, and they loved it, hugged me and made me cry in a good way.

2. What is you favourite piece of instrumental music?

WHY MUST YOU MAKE ME SUFFER LIKE THIS.

HAVE I EVER MENTIONED TO YOU THAT I GREW UP WITH MUSICIAN PARENTS AND MY FIRST FANDOM WAS ME ALL ALONE AT 8 IN MY ROOM RE-LISTENING TO MOZART’S LIFE STORY ON AUDIO BOOK?

*screams*

...

I’m calm.

I’m not giving you one answer, though - because this is a much bigger deal than that, there are too many genres, and when do I ever give you short answers, anyway?

Okay so, in the classics department there’s for example Mozart’s 40th Symphony and Grieg’s Wedding Day at Troldhaugen - both pieces I loved as a child and still love to this day. Bach’s Cello Suite No.1 in G Major is of course the world’s best cello piece, but Air is too magical not to win first place from his stuff. (And this is where Marty got lost in her own Spotify playlist and decided to stop) .... *whispers* Prokokiev’s Peter and the Wolf is also quite dear to me.

I listen to soundtracks way too much and have for a very, very long time, too, so here are some tracks I love:

“Homeland” from Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron “Special Order” from Ratatouille “Sacred Pool of Tears” from Kung Fu Panda “I Don’t Think Now Is The Best Time” from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End “Define Dancing” from Wall-E

I also need to honourably mention the entirety of the Inside Out soundtrack.

I’m already so bad at keeping it short on “what’s your favourite” questions, you just had to ask me about music. This is me trying to keep it short. You brought this on yourself.

3. When typing which number keys do you use? The top row or the number pad at the side?

I actually haven’t had a computer that has a number pad since I used the family computer back before I was 10, so the top row! If for no other reason than that I learned to type properly when I had a laptop.

4. Since you think vinegar is strange on chips, how about gravy? (I don’t like this myself, but its a thing around here).

I just dip my chips in sour cream, like any respectable human being. *dramatic hairflip* (Also what exactly is gravy? I hear the US and the UK don’t quite agree on this)

I also just had the profound realisation that I’m not entirely sure which kind of chips we’re talking about - I mean, I probably dip them in sour cream anyway, to be fair, that’s what I do.

5. Are you superstitious?

Not particularly? My attitude towards anything supernatural is that if it exists, it’s too unscientific for us to be able to fully understand it, predict it and do something with it. So in the end, what opinion I have of it is kind of irrelevant - whether it exists or not, I’ll behave the same way, because I can never know. I can only act based on what I do know, like that if you walk under a ladder, it might get caught on your clothes or something and hit you in the head, or if you break a mirror you’re gonna have to replace it and there may be glass shards all around that could hurt you at any given time, and walking around with a rabbit’s paw for luck is just begging to get PETA on your neck and is also an insult to my old pet rabbit.

6. How many cans make up your firewall?

Precisely 33. 👌

7. QUICK, you have 1 minute, draw a dragon!

8. Your favourite food?

What have I said about me and “favourite” questions??? This one’s actually impossible, tho. Depends on the day and stuff. I really love tacos, but so does the rest of Norway, and my mom’s chicken fajitas are amazing, meanwhile one of my fave dishes is fish balls in white sauce with potatoes and boiled carrots, because I’m Norwegian, okay, this is how we roll (it’s actually not necessarily, but yes that is a relatively common dish that I’ve always just loved too much), but then there’s also chicken risotto which for a long time was the only dish I knew how to make. 

9. What was your favourite TV show as a kid?

I’m not really sure? I watched a lot of Disney Channel, Jetix and Cartoon Network, but I can’t really remember if I had a favourite, and at what age I watched what shows. Some honourable mentions are Sonic, Kim Possible, Powerpuff Girls, Lilo & Stitch, Suite Life of Zack and Cody, of course I watched far too much Hannah Montana when that became a thing, Phineas and Ferb is still amazing, and I also watched a lot of the Simpsons from I was quite small - not because it went on TV but because we had a bunch of Simpsons seasons on DVD.

Though it of course depends on what you define as “kid”, because if we’re talking 10-13, then I can tell you that the Discovery Channel lineup after school was the best thing on Earth and I watched Mythbusters literally every day (after Dirty Jobs and all the various tattoo shows)

And yet I still sit here with the feeling of that I’ve probably forgotten something.

Having returned from some Googling, I can confirm that I forgot actual proper kids’ shows, and I can confirm I loved Teletubbies, Thomas the Tank Engine, Animals of Farthing Wood (’loved’ more like ‘was lovingly traumatised by’), Bear in the Big Blue House and on the Norwegian front there’s Uhu! - not that you’d know what that is, but it was the best thing ever and might have actually been my favourite, so I couldn’t not mention it.

10. Have you ever had a Yorkshire pudding/ would you try one? (Considering you don’t know what a Yorkshire pudding tin was, I’m guessing I know half your answer).

I think I’ve tasted it like once? When I was in London? We were at a restaurant that served a bunch of traditional English food, but I can’t remember what the pudding was like at all, would love to try it again sometime.

11. How annoyed are you at me for retagging you? :P

I mean, you send me 11 sentences and I send you a book back, who should be annoyed here? See, this is why I have an about me tag and not an about me page. You’re just intent on filling it up, giving me all these cursed “favourite” questions. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN I DON’T KNOW THE FINE ART OF KNOWING WHEN TO STOP TALKING?

Buuuuut since this is war now I feel like I can’t NOT send you something back, so here we go, I tag @monstermunch321 AGAIN (fight me!)

1. What’s your favourite holiday? Why?

2. Are you right- or left-handed?

3. What Hogwarts House are you?

4. What’s your favourite GTLive stream/s?

5. If you had to be an animal other than human, which animal would you choose? Wild or captive?

6. Favourite food? (I’m original, I know)

7. What’s the first toy/stuffed animal/doll you remember having?

8. If you had to pick a favourite instrument, which would it be?

9. Do you prefer sweet or salty snacks? Have any favourites?

10. If you had to pick a “super power” that some animal on Earth already has, which would it be? (whether it be claws that could kill, camouflage, bioluminescence, or an uncanny ability to always land on your feet and fit into boxes)

11. Got any favourite books?