#i think maybe I’m just a bad person
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am i a bomb?
#for as long as i can remember people have alway been scared of my reaction#am i mean#am i too much#am i unkind#what makes me so scary#people are afraid of me#that’s not what i want#i never intended to serve judgment cold#I never meant to serve judgement at all#i think maybe I’m just a bad person#that’s why they are afraid#because i am a bomb#and i will blow up#and i will destroy everything#thoughts#on life#my thoughts#rant#self pity#bad people#i’m a bad person
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the tragedy of James and Mary Sunderland is one of the most heartbreaking and (most importantly) human stories I’ve ever had the joy in witnessing
#they are just two amazingly complex characters#especially James but that’s mostly cause he’s the protagonist#and maybe because I’ve experienced and witnessed the burnout that comes with being a caregiver to someone but it’s just so human to me#and then the guilt you feel when that person passes (even if the circumstances were different) it hits hard#I’m also frustrated that James gets boiled down to the guy who killed his wife#the whole game is exploring WHY he did that and how much he regrets it#and how good people can do bad things#there’s no black and white to sh2 it’s all foggy shades of grey#sorry about the tangent in my own tags#i just think James is neat#like a bug under a microscope#james sunderland#mary shepherd sunderland#silent hill 2#silent hill 2 remake#silent hill
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perhaps the most important question i’ve ever asked:
does anyone have tips for people trying to stop being chronically late to everything in the world that aren’t weirdly judgmental and aggressive or flat out lies
#when i tell you every single resource i’ve ever found or tried to get through or anyone i’ve ever asked#has been just so. mean about it#not even intentionally#not always at least#but there’s so much inherent shame tied to being late to things or being a person who used to be late to things#that i don’t think people can untie that from their ‘helpful tips’#it’s all ‘i used to also be a lazy uncaring piece of shit! you don’t have to be a horrible wretched loser anymore!’ and it’s like. okay.#you see how that’s not helping. right.#making me feel worse about it is NEVER helpful. i promise you i already have tortured myself over it FARRR more than any ‘on time’ person#ever had#this has been a comic i’ve been stewing on for ages as well but. well there’s of course the shame#idk it’s something that people are always despicably mean about bc fundamentally people who have never struggled with it#see it as a personal choice to be late#and as something one needs to just ‘try harder’ to fix. and that if you don’t#you inherently don’t care about other people’s time or even other people in general#and that feels horrible! it feels really bad!!#i mean i’ve got it from EVERYONE. disability allies. other adhd folks. disability resource offices#it’s something that nobody ever cares to acknowledge or try to accommodate for#bc time blindness and exec dysfunction are NEVER taken seriously as disabilities. they’re always always viewed as a personal failing#and i’m sick and tired of it. bc all this does is make people struggling with this Hate themselves#and worry endlessly that maybe they Are selfish and actually Don’t care about anyone else#there’s a bit too much here to keep in the tags i should really do the comic for adhd awareness month
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one of those nights
#small vent#lately I’ve been questioning things a lot#and this overwhelming feeling of being lonely takes over#and I question myself and my feelings and thoughts on certain things#sometimes i end up thinking im a bad person#the guilt i feel because I don’t do ship art gets overwhelming sometimes#and i end up feeling like an asshole because of it#but I genuinely just can’t (at least not for the gf fandom)#family and platonic moments are just way too important to me#which might explain a small desire wanting to have that but unable to#maybe it’s the aroaceness in me idk#it just gets really lonely sometimes in your own corner#i’m sorry#I know things like this can be annoying but I needed to vent#some more light-hearted things hopefully soon#delete later
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Hey. Sorry about the inactivity, but pretty sure no one cared that much anyways lol. Been a looooong time since I kept that distant from Tumblr…at least now I know I’m able to survive without checking posts every day/being chronically online! I’ve got an intense love-hate relationship with this lifestyle I’ve dug myself into. Think I’m getting a little bit better with the balance even if school isn’t really giving me an option. Got a load of work I need to keep catching up on if I don’t want to disappoint my professors. We’ll survive somehow. Here take a quick batch of Puzzle doodles k bye
#the hell am I so anxious about? maybe it’s just overstimulation stuff#hoping it’ll die down because I can’t keep enjoying myself when I’m like this#seriously is starting to mess with my flight responses over the tiniest things#like yea obviously I needed to stay logged out of Tumblr so I would focus more on schoolwork#but uhhhh gonna be transparent and say a huge part of it is the jolts of anxiety :(#like even the thought of logging back here has caused me to feel like sweating#my brain kept saying ‘no I don’t want to I can’t do that’ even when I felt bad for missing out on others posts#like I want to be here so I can support my mutuals dammit!!!#I’m a mess. I’m such a broken mess oh great lovely spectacular#maybe the culminating stress of final exam deadlines is worsening stuff as well#I can’t tell you why I’m like this I just am 🙃#anyways thinking I’ll start adapting to the distance. Sorry but being a shut-in is more appealing right now#I just need time to be with myself and not be so invested in the lives of others#anyways what’s something mildly positive I can wrap this up with so I don’t seem pathetic….#ah yes the final Puzzle sketch here was drawn today before a class period#one of my fellow classmates noticed and audibly asked me ‘is that Mr. Puzzles?’#IT TOOK EVERTHING IN MY WILLPOWER TO NOT LET OUT A GIDDY SHRIEK#Felt like my eyes bulged and I jolted in enthusiasm jskjsksp spontaneous happiness?? actally experiencing the feeling of fitting in??#anyways I responded with a very normal ‘WAIT YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM???’ while trying to suppress grinning or going ‘teehee’#anyways now it’s my personal mission to keep initiating conversations with her because AUUUUUGH SHE KNOWS WHO HE IS I’M LOSING IT#proceeded to talk about Murder Drones & TADC like holy SHIT I didn’t think I would ever find animation peeps in my psychology class auuu 😭💜#it’s a MIRACLE man this may be a sign that college won’t be isolating anymore yaaaaayyy#PUZZLE IS SINGLE HANDILY HELPING ME TALK TO PEOPLE BOTH ONLINE AND IRL THIS IS WILD#all hail the best comfort character seriously holy shit—like imagine she never noticed me drawing Puzzles!! I’D STILL BE LONELY AS HELL#okay sorry I’ll stop typing like a teenager and go back to pretending to be well-versed in speech & conducting myself ‘normally’ :3#doodles#sketches#not tagging with Puzzles because hahaaaaa don’t look at me
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As a guy who’s pretty fuckin mentally ill and has some occasional violent urges from it, I really really love the found family creepypasta he’s cannons
Best way I can explain it is that most of the time I feel like a monster due to mental conditions and intense intrusive thoughts. So because of that, seeing characters who have similar problems (obviously acted upon which, no I wouldn’t k!ll someone but you know what I mean) and who are able to find others like them, becoming close and realizing your problems don’t rob you of you humanity??? Ough I could die happy
#idk I’m BPD and projecting probably#but this really just makes me feel so seen as just someone who society has called a monster for things I didn’t choose and can’t control#I still remember when I first talked to someone who related about my BPD and intrusive thoughts#after years of thinking I was some villain who deserved to be punished#years of thinking I was the only one#my friend talked about having similar problems. It was such an impactful moment to finally realize someone like me was out there and they#weren’t a bad person. Not at all. And I realized maybe if they were amazing despite this- maybe I wasn’t a monster#creepypasta#creepypasta fandom#crp#crp fandom
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Pretty proud of how far I’ve come this year
#I have struggled with crippling anxiety for a long time and this year I really wanted to overcome it and become more independent#like#I used to be absolutely terrified of leaving the house#things like driving and going places alone would make me have crazy panic attacks#but this year I’ve done a lot and I’ve overcome a lot and gained so much confidence#I’ve flown across the country twice this year#driven on some pretty intimidating roads like the highway and freeway#gone on solo bike rides for miles through the woods#eaten tons of new foods#I know those sorts of things might seem very simple and normal everyday things#but I have ocd and it can make my anxiety pretty bad#it can also make a lot of my fears rather irrational#likes like trying new foods and going new places are genuinely intimidating for me#bc it makes me feel like I’m going to die lol#but I’ve done ALOT of things I was scared to do#I’ve come along way#and it may seem like boring basic stuff to some people#but considering I couldn’t leave my house two years ago without panicking to the point of losing feeling in my hands and feet#I think I did pretty good lol#I’m starting to feel like a confident person again#I’m starting to feel like I can LIVE again#and it’s pretty nice#just wanted to write this out somewhere lol that’s all#maybe it will be helpful for anyone struggling in similar ways#to see that improvement is possible#lol anyways happy November#mae rambles
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people talking about how it’s because they didn’t know if they’d get a s4 that they pulled punches in the s3 finale of tlovm…. you get that that’s still shitty right. you get that that’s them openly stating they chose a weaker narrative beat in the story they’d like to create in case it ends up being a story that’s cut short. like. it Is incredibly rough out there for shows on streaming rn don’t get me wrong i know that but. i don’t know that the answer is “let’s write something narratively weaker but more satisfying if we get cancelled”
#sometimes these guys gotta just. stop talking in these round table things. openly flaunting that the writing is not good.#and i say this as a Bad writer. i’m not saying don’t create things like#things can be bad and loved and worth making#but oh boy. ‘we didn’t know this characters arc until we’d written the whole season and we went back and rewrote everything’#idk if that’s how that works in an Ensemble show.#if you can rewrite the scenes for One character and think it won’t effect the rest of the characters. maybe you’re not doing ensemble well#this is a separate but related issue alas.#my point is i think tlovm’s writing is it’s weakest point by far. and as a character arcs first person. that makes it rough out here for me#tlovm
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tbh “people hear about legitimate dream fuckups and it colors their worldview to exaggerate and misconstrue harm in everything he does” is just the opposite side of the coin to “fans hear about dream being legitimately fucked over and treated badly and it raises their defenses to react to every perceived slight like a personal betrayal” literally nobody is capable of being normal about that man
#bella talks#while the former is worse on twitter i think the latter is worse here#because we’re so close knit and self contained so one person getting (maybe reasonably) upset about something#can spiral into the whole dash dooming#and i’m not saying it’s never warranted— while the q hate spiraled a little out of control i think it was mostly proportional#but then we also get things like karl dropping the panel#(in fairness from what *i* saw it wasn’t as bad as how i see people acting but maybe my dash is just well curated#and i have a higher tolerance for d.tblr shenanigans than most people i think)#like i really don’t mind if people get a little rowdy LMAO it doesn’t bother me but it does make the overall environment more toxic
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listen this may be a hot take that’s okay i’m fine with that i just feel that the @everyone main tag fandom vagueposts about sending admins hate and/or targeting ccs is . abyssal nonsense to post to tumblr. like you’re not wrong im not disagreeing with any of you— it just feels fruitless to post that on a website where none of us have direct contact with any admins or creators. if you see it in the main or side tags feel free to call it out, i think we should be doing that, but like the aimless vagueposting is not only reductive but directly adding to the negativity you’re trying to combat
#eleanor.txt#qsmp#i feel bad for even putting this in main tag but it’s like. at the same time i do want the tag to be a nice space#correct me if i’m wrong and there’s admins that are being targeted here but like. idk post ur post on twitter maybe#and this isn’t me trying to excuse qsmpblr we have issues of our own just. those aren’t our issues i don’t think#plus maybe my blocklist just works real well but i personally don’t see any excessive hate or negativity or anything#willing to be wrong on this one maybe we really need the callout or something idk. did we do something#this isn’t even discourse this is just blogging and it also feels like nobody knows the difference here. THATS one of our real issues
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i only cried once today after being yelled at/scolded for two hours straight!!!!! i would like my hug and pat on the head for being so good now please!!!!!!!
#technically i did cry one more time when i got home lmao#but like IT WAS MY FIRST DAY#AND MY FIRST DAY DOING ALL THESE THINGS#and i kept getting scolded for not knowing how to do stuff when it was a) literally my first time#and b) the person who was upset with me was SUPPOSED TO TRAIN ME#BUT THEY DIDNT#instead they just kept saying ‘you’re doing that wrong’#without ever showing me how to do it right#:(( like it’s your job to teach me!!!!#also they ignored me the entire morning like literally didn’t introduce themself or even say hi#and i am a VERY like outgoing/bubbly person irl#but i also need positive feedback or i will crumble to pieces#and i hate being made to feel stupid when i wasn’t taught something#like if you show me how to do it ill do it perfect the next time!!!#but expecting me to know something without being taught is impossible and setting us both up for failure#bleh sorry for ranting :(( bad day for quinn lmao#anyways i’m gonna eat some chocolate and do some homework and think about kissing gojo and maybe things will be better#i am accepting hugs and pats on the head though#because i was very brave (didn’t audibly cry in front of others)#q speaks
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dandelion is indeed the worst but if he’s not present in the next book i would legitimately be sorrowful as the whole thing will become a slog . you basically cannot have the “short stories” era-of-the-timeline iteration of geralt without dandelion, it would be like eating unbuttered bread.
though it’s not like season of storms did them dirty, i wasn’t disappointed with it (… with regards to them), but since it’s literally been over 20 years since the saga was finished i’m trying to prepare for any potential reality
#however i will accept an absence of dandelion IN THE CASE OF we get to see geralt and yennefer living together in vengerberg#but if it’s regular geralt day in the life then if dandelion’s not there it’s gonna suuuuuccckk#i mean as in geralt’s life sucks without him. badly#and it also? sucks with him. good-ly.#it’s august and we don’t have a title yetttt 🥲 and they said 2024 … hmhm sure#i just feel like rupaul ‘and don’t fuck it up’.gif#like i’m excited but also wtf? new witcher book? are we on punk’d?#it’s not going to be the best but i’m hoping it will be at least as good as season of storms. not a high bar ok!#this from the person who was optimistic about the n*tflix show. don’t trust me i like to believe in the future#i was going to say ‘and i trust sapkowski more than i trust n*tflix’ and then i laughed.#i don’t trust him—i don’t even trust the version of him from the 90s and 00s!#one side of me can’t believe i’m still here after the guardswomen of kerack. and the ‘well i’m only gay for clout’ villain motivations#the other side of me is intensely curious wtf geralt will get up to this time and how witcher could maybe even denigrate further#but season of storms ending was actually good and = well it’s not like sapkowski forgot what it was about#then again it’s been 10 years and a bad adaptation since then so im biting my nails#all i ask : please stick with the naming convention of the other books. i don’t want to write an absurdly long or short name or acronym out#sooooo weird that in a few months i will be saying: there are 9 witcher books.#actually rn i just say there’s 7 and discount season of storms as a legitimate heir but mention it as footnote lol#i just hope i can survive until this new book and until its translation LOLLLL#they said translation in 2025 but you know the track record#new book: *releases winter 2024* | english translation: coming 2045!#jk i think they finally figured out that witcher is a money printer so they will be eager to translate it now and not waffle around#they kicked their butts into gear with the hussite trilogy so ! and they made new hardcovers.#the elbow-high diaries#new book 2024
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Y’know i was thinking the other day that someone looked awfully familiar
excuse my attempt to draw noodle
#the locked tomb#nona the ninth#pyrrha dve#camilla hect#sailor moon#usagi tsukino#tuxedo mask#i personally think nona would fucking love sailor moon but maybe that’s just me#this was almost entirely inspired by her hair lmao#idk what pants nona wears I’m sure it’s mentioned but i forgot#i tried to draw a sandwich on her shirt but it looked very bad
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uh um UHHHH HAHAHD I DONT KNOW!!,!! I do not know how posts work or tumblr or anything and I am tired but tired art here you go??? I’m not great at drawing at all whomp whomp and I don’t really know designs or nothin but I’m already doing this so oh well. Alex does not happen to be my favourite nor do I even really know much about him (bad memory) but he fits the usual style of clothes I draw people in (he doesn’t but shush). So. This is mainly him :3
#the unwanteds#alex stowe#lani haluki#aaron stowe#Ignore the constant shit talking??? Of myself it’s just how I get over nerves it doesn’t like actually affect me or make me think real bad#Of myself that’s just how my brain is wired it’s weird#Anyways enjoy maybe perhaps if you do#Oh also I do not know the original guy but someone made a funny little post somewhere on instagram and it was drawing of the top left#Drawing Lani’s in. I just thought of it and drew it I hope I’m aloud to do that#credits to the original person though obviosuly#I really don’t know how to do this
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Mmm I’m not feeling right tonight.
I wonder if karma finally decided to hit me lol
(i might be sick)
#pixel txt.#personal#lmao#maybe its time for the whumper to get whumped ^^;#it’s probably nothing too bad.#…i hope x-x#just feel tired…and my body feels warm#thermometer keeps changing so idk#its 99 so I think its slight?#maybe it’ll go away tomorrow#either that or get worse haha#I’m lowkey fascinated by it ngl lmao#i don’t get sick often last time was 2 years ago
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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