#but in either case. I need it here. and it’s hard

[siri-ike]

"Hello. I need someone at Wayne Manor. Someone just died... I think." Bruce had locked himself in the nearest room. Thankfully, one of the wireless phones was in there. "I don't know who it was, but he looked like he could be about 15 or 16, and he had white hair. He just, melted, into some kind of goo." He tried to catch his breath, but he couldn't. The thoughts circling around in his head just wouldn't leave him alone. Why was Alfred so calm? Why didn't he want to call the police? Was the detective here yesterday because of this? Did Alfred kill that boy? No! Alfred would never do something like that! There has to be a better explanation. "Can you send Lieutenant Gordon, please?" Jim can find the answer. He can trust Jim. "Hello?" Isn't there supposed to be someone on the other end? Telling him to be calm in a situation where it's impossible to be calm?

"Danny. We can explain everything."

Bruce throws the phone across the room. It's, it's the detective from yesterday. He must be behind this. Everyone knows the cops in Gotham are dirty.

"Master, Bruce. Listen, it's not what it looks like." He's probably forcing Alfred to help him, too. That's why he was so weird at dinner.

Windows locked. He must have planned for this. Was all of this premeditated? Was he supposed to see that? Bruce tried to find anything heavy enough to break the window, but of course, this room was practically a padded cell.

He had to settle for wrapping his jacket around his fist. The glass was more decorative than sturdy, so it wasn't that hard to break. But it was loud. He had to kick it a couple of times to make the hole big enough. Then he stopped. What was he thinking? They're just going to get more aggressive now. And it's not like he can just leave. Where would he go? His hand really hurts.

He was alerted to the door by scratching and light clinking noises. They're picking the lock. He sneaks over to the bathroom, careful not to leave a blood trail.

The door bursts open, footsteps rush into the room, and someone jumps out the window. It was all one sound, but Bruce knew exactly what happened. He let's out a silent, sigh of relief. He waits a moment to make sure he can't hear any movement. He looks through the key hole in the bathroom door before cautiously opening it. The room is empty. The emergency phone should work. He can get there in 7 minutes flat. He'd timed himself dozens of times.

The door to the hallway was left open. Best not to touch it in case he comes back before Bruce gets discovered. The second he crept past the door, he felt a pair of eyes on him.

Alfred grabbed his left sleeve, but Bruce simply ripped it off and bolted away as fast as he could. He made it out of the family wing and through the guest room wing but got cut of half way through the collection corridor.

Desperately, Bruce tried to slow him down, but the detective seemed to be perfectly capable of running on the walls and ceiling, too. What kind of freak did he get involved with? He had almost made it to the medieval weapons room when Grayson picked him up like he weighed nothing more than an angry sack of flour. Screaming, kicking, biting. Nothing worked. He was too strong. He sprayed something in Bruce's face, and, it was, it was like everything, got fuzzy, and a little warm, hehe, all his muscles felt so soft, and bones, little squishy, hehe hehehe, squishy bones.

Dick let Danny lay in his arms, giggling for a while. Long enough to catch his breath. Was the real Bruce so slippery at this age? Long enough for Alfred to get here.

Dick picked Danny up. As gentle as he could with all that twitching. He didn't wanna use that spray on a child, but he couldn't knock him out either. What if he forgets again?

Back at the batcave Dick had to keep holding Danny because he wouldn't let go of his arm. It's totally not because he just likes the snuggle. Nope. Nightwing is being very professional. He hasn't even mentally designed a new Robin costume.

At long last, Zatanna Zeta-ed in. The JLD had been off world for ages, dealing with some dimension crap.

"Hey, girl," She elegantly stepped out of the glowing portal.

"Hey, girl," He replied. "Want the breif or are you cought up?"

"Bat-Clone, recently stabilized, altzimers? Question mark? Thinks he's Bruce in the late 80s." She gave Dick a look. "You two were made for each other." She teased.

"Ha-ha," He mocked. "He's out of it now, but he won't be able to lie or run."

"And he's on your lap because - You're just such close friends? I figured he would have accused you of murder or something by now."

"Murder?" His voice got higher. "Nooo - he didn't specify." Nightwing sounded like he was drowning on dry land. "I mean, sure, he requested a homicide detective. But that's just because Jim is the only cop he trusts." A chill runs through Dicks whole body. Danny had turned his head so now Dicks chest was covered in drool.

Zatanna reached her hand into her hat and pulled out a notebook and pen. "Let's start, then." She smiled smuggly at Dick, then crouched down just enough to be eye level with Danny. She put a hand on the boys' sholder. "Can you tell me your name?"

Bruce slowly turned his head, looking like he might fall over if he tried to move faster. There was a woman's voice speaking to him. She was blurry, and his eyes didn't wanna open all the way, but he could tell she had long black hair and was either wearing a black bodice with white sleeves or just a bodice. The room they were in was dimly lit, so that wasn't helping. "Auh?"

"Can you tell me your name?" She repeated patiently.

"... Bruce... Wayne... 12... April... 1988?"

Zatanna looked confused at Dick returned a shrug.

"What happened to you?" She addressed Bruce again.

"I - I, saw, a boy in the hallway. He melted," Bruce gestured to the green sludge, no longer glowing all over his shirt and pants. "Alfred was, going to clean it. Like, he knew someone was going to melt there." Bruce was too busy tripping balls to notice the concerned looks around him. "I called the police, but, detective, was on the phone. I tricked him, to jump, out the window."

Zatanna glanced at Nightwing, who looked proud more than anything.

"I was gonna run to the panic room. There's, phone there, but detective chased me." Bruce held tighter onto Dicks arm.

Zatanna looked between the two and closed her book. "Bruce? Who's lap are you sitting on?"

Nightwing braced for impact.

"My dad." He said fondly.

Zatanna took a deep breath. "Is your dad alive?"

"No." Bruce smiled.

A slew of emotions came and went from Zatannas face before landing on the next question. "Are you alive?"

"No." He looked so pleased.

Clone Danny long post

The footprints lead Alfred out of the room and to the right but quickly dried up on the short hair carpet.

Alfred checked every room to the right of Danny's. He had to have left the family wing. 40 minutes of searching later, Alfred was about to go down yet another hallway when he heard faint music and metal clanging. He walked closer to the sound until he could make out some words.

🎶I- can hear the sound of violins🎶

🎶long before- it begins🎶

The gym. Someone is at the gym. He told Dick to relax. This is the opposite of relaxing. He stops for a moment outside the door to gather himself. People listen to empathy more than anger. When Alfred pushed the door open and looked down at the workout area, he didn't see a disobedient clown. No. Instead, he was forcibly dragged back to 1989, staring at a 13 year old Bruce doing chest presses. He always looked the most at ease when he was at the gym. The rest of the time, he would be looking for his parents' killer or discovering seacret organizations. Alfred used to cherish the time Bruce spent at the gym because he knew it was the closest he could get to calm. Shortly, Danny put down his 3 kg weights and addressed Alfred.

"Morning, Alfred. Breakfast already? Thought I had more time." He sounded like Bruce, more than just his voice. Danny had his own way of talking, but this was all Bruce.

"Young Master," best not to object to his perceived reality, whatever that may be. "It's almost seven in the afternoon, not morning." The sun would have spoiled that for him anyway. "And dinner will be ready in two hours."

"Oh, ok. I'll be there at nine then." Danny simply went over to the next station in his routine. Right as he sat down on the floor, something seemed to dawn on him. "Alfred? Did something happen to me?" He asked innocently.

Alfred remained frozen, staring at the young boy. "What would give you that idea?"

"I woke up in a different room than usual, I had to switch down all my weights, and the files in my father's office have been moved. And then you came in looking like you've seen a ghost." Ever the detective.

"Nothing gets past you. I'm afraid you had a rather bad fever and spent a few days in bed. I would like to examine your health, but it can wait. Let's say, eight-thirty? Before dinner?"

"Kitchen at eight-thirty, got it."

Alfred left the room and braced himself on the door. He thinks he's Bruce. He probably thinks it's the 80s or 90s, too. It's a good thing most everyone is out hunting down clues and/or committing extreme acts of violence.

Danny had changed into an all black suit (bowtie and kerchief included) before coming to the kitchen at 8:27. Hmm, he does like to be punctual. His temperature and heart rate were normal, for once he didn't have bags under his eyes, which responded in time to light. But, he was definitely younger than he was when he arrived. Dick wasn't imagining that.

"Can you tell me your name, age, and today's date?"

"Bruce Thomas Wayne, 12, almost 13, today is November, uh," He struggled a bit. "17th? Maybe a bit later, 1988." He avoided eye contact. "Just so we're clear, I wouldn't have known today's date even if I hadn't been sick."

Alfred smiled a little, remembering how much he used to care about getting good scores on everything. "I'll be sure to include that in the report." He retorted sarcastically, earning a small grin back. "Now go wash up, dinners almost ready."

As per routine, Alfred started by bringing out the helthiest dishes. They all knew it was a trick to get them to eat vegetables, but no one was ever willing to wait. Danny was so hungry, even the brussel sprouts were appetizing. Now if Alfred could just stop staring at him and actually put the container on the table.

"Alfred?"

"W, what?"

"Are you OK?"

Danny had combed his hair when he'd asked him to wash up. This was Bruce. This was the boy Alfred raised. The one who had fallen asleep in his arms every night for months because he refused to be alone in the dark. The one who used to "forget" to tell Alfred about the handfuls of peanut butter in his pockets, ruining thousand dollars dress pants on six different occasions. The one who wanted to keep street cats knowing full well he was allergic.

"Do you need a day off? Or maybe a week?"

"What? No. I'm alright master Bruce. Just, uhm, glad to see you have your appetite back. That's all." Keep it together now. He set down a steaming glass dish full of baked carrots, sweet potatoes, bell peppers, onions, brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms.

Danny took as big a serving as he could fit (vegetables can only go in the top right on his plate), making sure not to let the butter run too much. The next dish was steamed turnip. Crap. Another vegetable. Can't mix them. Can't put it somewhere else. The only option is to finish the baked vegetables fast.

By the time he finished his quarter of a turnip, six more dishes had already shown up. How many people does Alfred think live here?

At 21:11 Dick walked into the dining room. Dressed in a plain shirt and pants. The two boys looked like they were going to entirely different events.

"Hello." Danny invited. "I'm sorry, have we met?"

"This gentleman is detective Richard Grayson." Alfred interjected. "Master Dick, would you care to join us for dinner?"

"Oh, where are my manners? Here, have a seat. There's plenty of food."

The dinner after that was awkward, but nice. It's good to have some company once in a while. Ever since his parents died, it's just been him and Alfred.

He did wake up late in the afternoon, so it shouldn't be such a surprise that he got to stay up and watch his gray ghost VHS tapes way later than his usual bedtime. Only interrupted occasionally by Alfred, making sure he's keeping all that food down. He had to have been really sick. He doesn't even remember throwing up recently.

He must have dosed off at some point because he was awoken abruptly at some horrid hour of the night by an ear pierceing scream. He hurried to its sorce in the family wing where he saw what looked like another Bruce, except this one had white hair and wore a black onesie. He appeared to be melting into a glowing green sludge. Bruce knelt down and grabbed the boy, who stopped screaming. Opting to bury his face in Bruce's chest instead.

Alfred came just as the gruesome scene was over. 4:50 am, same place, same time, every night. Alfred had hoped something had improved when the screaming stopped early. But rather than the typical gorey mess, there was Danny, inconsolable and covered in slime.

"Wh, wh, ah?" Who was that? What was that?? Why was that???

"Master da- Bruce." At lightning speed, Alfred was on his knees and holding Danny. "Come on, you don't have to be here." He tried to lift him up, but Danny resisted.

"...Why do you have the carpet cleaner?" He accused. "Did you know this would happen?"

[theprettynosferatu]

State of The Blog, February 2025, or As I Type This

CW: Politics, general downer.

I promised myself I wouldn't write about this. Guess this post makes me a liar, aside from a humble kink-maker. I also promised myself I wouldn't complain, and that I won't do. Things are fine. Texts are being written. The smut is flowing, even if slowly- or less rapidly than either of us would like, dear reader.

Now... shit sure is fucked, huh? Not the most eloquent way of putting it, I know. But who has time for rhetoric these days? And I'm not even American! But I happen to know that a large portion of my little corner o'smut here hails from the USA. I have lived there myself. I have, perhaps, something of a romantic streak when it comes to what America could be. Sadly, it's not what it could be that we have to deal with.

Things are moving quickly. This is not by accident.

As I type this, the richest man in the world has gathered an unfathomable trove of data from the US government. Illegally, of course, but it appears such things no longer matter.

As I type this, information on gender and trans issues is being erased from government websites.

As I type this, self-ID is no longer a thing for my non-binary and transgender American friends, acquaintances and readers.

As I type this, ICE is raiding workplaces, schools, churches.

As I type this, someone has lost funding for life-changing research.

As I type this. the US is getting into a trade war on three fronts. All casualties in this war will be, as is always the case, the working people. On all sides.

The casualties of all these things will not be heralded. They will not the announced or published. They will be silent, in the form of people rationing medicine they need to live, getting sick from the cold and not being able to afford a doctor, perhaps choosing to not go on anymore in a world that seems to scream in their face that they don't matter, they are not wanted, they are Other.

You are shocked and traumatized because that's the point. To shock you into paralysis, so you won't have the bandwidth or time or energy to react- your reaction is what they fear.

I am nothing important. I make stuff to get people off. What right to I have to say anything to anyone who is really suffering? What the fuck can I do? Provide some escapism? Perhaps. It is useful, insofar as burning out on doomer shit helps absolutely no one. I'm nowhere near a front line, so to speak. Perhaps I'm being delusional thinking I am contributing something worth fuck all to people, but hey, I can do delusion. Or hope. It's hard to tell them apart sometimes.

I can't tell you to fight. I can't start preaching about the importance of community. I can't tell you what to do. It's not my place, and it's not my expertise. I'm not here to play armchair resistance, and neither are you. You are here for kink, and so kink I shall give you.

But I couldn't do the State of the Blog and let this go unremarked. As futile as it may be, as stupid as it sounds (and I am aware of the ass I'm making out of myself here), I just wanted you all to know you ARE wanted, you CAN handle this. Shit is bleak. But it won't be bleak forever, because YOU won't let it. The dawn is in your hands. And when you need a break and want to read smut, I'll be here.

Oh, and before I go, just in case anyone isn't clear:

Fuck off fascists.

Fuck off transphobes.

Fuck off xenophobes.

Fuck off racists.

Fuck off real sexists.

Life is not on your side, you absolute dogfuckers. It never has been, and it never will be.

[sinnabarmoth]

Mistakes Were Made

Prompt: You make the mistake of letting Xavier and Sylus meet and an intense instant rivalry between the two is born, now you're stuck between them.

Content warnings: Adult language.

Length: 2k

How did things turn out like this?

That’s all you could think as you sat in a cafe with your co-worker Xavier and the leader of Onychinus on either side of you.

~~~

It had started a couple days ago when you mentioned to Xavier that you were chasing down a lead regarding illegal protocore testing in the N109 zone. Xavier had insisted on going with you in case there was danger. It didn’t matter how much you assured him that you had everything in hand, that your inside informant was reliable, he wanted to come with to get it. So you had scheduled a time to meet with Sylus but had hoped Xavier would accidentally sleep through it since his sleep schedule was just as abysmal as Sylus’s.

It didn’t work. So you drove into the N109 zone with Xavier. You asked Sylus to just send one of the twins since you had a co-worker with you. He didn’t listen.

“Is that your informant?” Xavier asked, gesturing to the man leaning against a motorcycle.

You sighed, “Yes. That’s him. I can just talk to him myself.”

“No. It’s fine. We’ll talk to him together.”

“Great…” you walked over. Sylus looked up as you neared, the sly smile on his face dropping slightly when he saw Xavier.

“Hey, you said you had a lead?” you said, hoping to just get in and out.

“That I do, kitten. But first shouldn’t you introduce me to your friend?” Sylus said, gesturing to Xavier.

“Kitten?” you heard Xavier mutter.

“I told you I was bringing a co-worker.” you told Sylus through clenched teeth. “This shouldn’t be a surprise, especially not to you. Y’know, since you apparently know everything.”

“I didn’t know who your co-worker was.” Sylus continued to glare at Xavier. “Not that I would since you never mention him.”

“Funny. Until yesterday I didn’t know that she had an informant in the N109 zone.” Xavier said with similar barely concealed malice. “Not that I expected her to have anything nice to say about some back alley crook that operates out of this place.”

“Back alley crook?” you could see Sylus’s eyes flash with warning as his evol threatened to come out.

“Okay!” you clapped your hands together, stepping between the two of them. “The lead? Please.”

Sylus dropped his gaze from Xavier down to you. “Of course, sweetie. Right over here.” he wrapped an arm around your shoulder and turned you toward the bike as he pulled up something on his phone. You watched the CCTV footage he had lined up, taking note of the street signs so you knew where to check out.

As you were watching the footage you hadn’t even noticed his arm sliding down from your shoulders to rest on your hip. He did stuff like that all the time so you never thought much of it until Xavier cleared his throat loudly. You turned to see what was wrong and saw he was glaring at the arm around you.

“Oh uh…” you shrugged Sylus’s arm off and went back to Xavier. “I know where we need to go now. Let’s head on over now while clues may still be fresh.”

“Right.” Xavier looped his arm through yours. “Well, thank you for the lead…I never actually got your name.”

“Skye,” Sylus lied with practiced ease. “And you are?”

“Xavier.”

“Xavier…sounds otherworldly. Almost alien. I mean, how many Xaviers does a person meet?”

“I think it’s a fairly common name. Nothing strange about it.” Xavier said.

“If you say so.” Sylus turned to you. “And are we still on for our outing to the arcade this weekend, kitten?”

You could feel Xavier’s gaze boring a hole through your head though you refused to turn and acknowledge it. “Uh, maybe. Depends on how fast we can wrap up this case. Bye and thanks again.” you tugged on Xavier’s arm and sped away.

Xavier had still been staring hard at you. “So, your informant is a rather strange man.”

“Yeah. He’s just like that but he’s harmless I swear.”

“And you make plans to hang out with him at the arcade?”

“How about that lead huh? Let’s get going and get this case wrapped up so we can go get hot pot!” you said loudly, ignoring his question in hopes of him dropping it.

~~~

Days passed since that meeting with Sylus and Xavier was not dropping it. He kept on asking how you had come to know “Skye” and why exactly you were close enough to be hanging out as friends. You kept answers short and vague so he didn’t learn that you were actually friends with the leader of Onychinus. It was not helped though when Xavier asked if you really were going to hang out with him that weekend.

You tried to assure him that you two were pals and nothing more and in your haste to try and sweep everything under the rug you had accidentally invited him to go out with you and Sylus.

You arrived at the arcade, Sylus was already waiting there and Xavier had come in with you. You had told Sylus about accidentally inviting Xavier before this happened and made him promise to be on his best behavior. Whether he actually listened or not was yet to be seen. Knowing Sylus though, probably not.

“Hey Skye,” you said with a tight smile, “Ready to win some plushies?”

“Of course, kitten.” Sylus looked past you at Xavier. “Nice to see you too. What are you planning on doing while we’re at the claw machines?”

Xavier’s eye twitched. “I was planning on also using the claw machines.”

“Ah, well, you have fun. Come along kitten. I’ve been eyeing one of the classic machines for a while now.”

“Oh, just one of the classics. Don’t feel like having a challenge?” Xavier said, keeping you by his side with his arm linked with yours.

“Well, I was scoping out the machines for plushies that she doesn’t have yet. The challenge has nothing to do with it since I have nothing to prove.” Sylus answered, eyeing the way Xavier was keeping you next to him.

“How about we just skip the claw machines for now and play something else?” you said. “They have four player way racing over there. We could all do some racing and maybe come back to claw machines later.”

“Sure. Sounds like fun.” Xavier smiled brightly and started walking away with you in tow. Sylus followed after.

You had thought that the racing would be a good idea but very soon the guys started competing even worse than they had been bickering about the claw machines. The second one race ended they were starting another, calling for another round whenever one of them came in behind the other.

Oh this was a mistake. All of this was such a mistake.

“Is he cheating? He has to be cheating somehow!” Xavier said after Sylus passed him again.

“Sweetie, tell your co-worker that instead of focusing on me he should be focusing on driving better.”

“I am just focusing on keeping up with the both of you! Don’t drag me into your petty little feud.” you snapped, cursing as you took the corner too sharply.

“We are not feuding. Feuding would imply that there was a some kind of competition.” Sylus said. “For which there isn’t because I believe that win belongs to me.”

“One more game.” Xavier demanded.

“Well you two have fun with that.” you got up. “I’m tired of sitting here, I’m going to go back to the claw machines.”

“Excellent idea, kitten. I was thinking I was done with this game too.”

“So was I.” Xavier shot from his seat. “Which machine do you want to play?”

“For the love of…” you muttered.

You went off to the claw machines, ignoring both of them as you approached a machine and put in a token. Xavier and Sylus both offered to play for you to get whatever plushie you wanted but you glared at both of them. “I’m perfectly capable of playing myself. Thanks though.” you forced a smile and went back to focusing.

They were getting on your nerves a little. If they didn’t stop fighting you were going to end up ditching the both of them. Maybe you could call Rafayel to hang out instead or go bug Zayne at work.

For a while they both seemed to reach a truce as you played the claw machines. They had each disappeared at one point and when they came back both of them had arms full of plushies from different machines they must have played at. You looked at the giant pile of plushies before you and sighed. How were you meant to get all these home?

Thankfully the arcade was willing to give you an extra large bag to put all the plushies in. It was still awkward to tote around, and you felt embarrassed dragging it into the cafe after you left the arcade.

Which is where you were now. Sitting between Sylus and Xavier who silently glared daggers at each other over your drinks. “So…anyone see any good movies recently?” you asked, trying to get some kind of conversation started so you didn’t need to sit in silence.

“I did see one last night.” Xavier said. “I fell asleep on the couch and it woke me up with some loud explosion. I woke up worried a Wanderer was attacking the building at first.”

“Haha,” you laughed, imagining a bleary-eyed Xavier snapping awake ready to fight. “Did you end up watching the movie after it woke you up?”

“Well I couldn’t fall back asleep so I watched the rest of it. It was okay.”

“Only okay?”

“It was a Hunter inspired movie and I kept getting sucked out of it by how inaccurate it was to actual Hunter protocols.” Xavier said with a shrug.

“I get the same way when this one has us watch mafia movies.” Sylus said, pointing to you.

You turned to him wide-eyed and whispered. “Why are you mentioning mafia movies?”

“Do you know a lot about organized crime, Skye?” Xavier asked. “Then again, considering how she knows you that shouldn’t be so surprising. Although, hearing that you two have watched movies together is surprising.”

“Is it? We do spend quite a bit of time together when I’m not helping her chase down leads or fight Wanderers. There is a reason we had plans to go to the arcade today, just the two of us.” Sylus said pointedly.

“Kill me now.” you muttered under your breath.

“Seems I am learning a lot today. One of which is that my partner seems to have poor taste in new friends.”

“Xavier!” you snapped. “Don’t be rude.”

“He’s been rude the entire time!” Xavier retorted, gesturing to Sylus.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. But do not blame the fact that my kitten would rather spend the entire day with me whereas you had to impose yourself on our outing.”

“Okay that is it!” you yelled at both of them. You stood up from your seat and turned to look at both of them, hands on your hips. “You two are going to stop bickering and making snide comments to each other! You are both my friends and I like spending time with both of you. But if you continue to be assholes to each other about it then I’m not inviting either of you out with me ever again. Do I make myself clear?”

Sylus and Xavier fell silent, watching you with a mixture of shock and regret. “Yes ma’am.” Xavier said, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Sorry for getting carried away.”

“Apologies sweetie. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Sylus said, offering you a smile that you shot back down with a single glare.

“Good. Now the both of you apologize to each other.”

At this both of them looked ready to argue but you only continued to glare at them. “I mean it. If you two don’t apologize to each other I’m not spending time with either of you for at least a month. Now turn to each other and apologize.”

For a minute you didn’t think they were going to do it. They were making a point of not looking at each other, frowns etched deep on both their faces. Thankfully they knew to take your threats seriously and begrudgingly turned to one another and muttered some half-assed apologies. At least it was something.

“Good.” you sat back down with a small huff. “Now, who wants to play kitty cards?”

Xavier and Sylus looked at each other. “Best two out of three, winner gets to play with her?” Xavier suggested.

“You’re on.” Sylus grinned, that competitive edge coming back.

You only sighed and sat back as they started their game. You could only wonder how long this tenuous peace between them lasted before they ended up throwing teacups at each other. In your head you made a mental note to keep your guy friends as far away from each other as possible.

[jasminejava]

February Challenge: A month in (love) letters 💌

MASTERLIST | EVENT MASTERLIST

Good job, my roses~ we’ve made it through the first month of the year and we are in track to experiencing more of them. Now enter February, the month of loving gestures, chocolate, and sweetness in more ways than one.

And in case you needed a reminder, this isn’t the only month you have to express your love, nor is it only month you are deserving of it. ❤️

That is why I bring you a challenge this February — writing letters, or love letters, to yourself! One letter a day for twenty-eight days.

Why? Because you can’t forget to show some love and care to yourself, of all people.

While it’s a month too late to be a new year’s resolution, beginning to write self reflective letters to yourself this month will make for an enjoyable, repeatable expression of self-care and self-love that doesn’t need a set start date. Even if that isn’t through writing letters after February ends, what I hope this challenge will help with making it a habit to address yourself, at the end of the day.

What would you like to hear at the end of a stressful week? Or even… think about what you’d want to say to yourself after acing that test or project you’ve worked so hard on.

Imagine re-opening that letter you saved for every time you did something you thought you couldn’t.

That’s your past self smiling at you, reminding you that they are here for you through the collection of letters you are going to write.

I hope people enjoy this challenge! Feel free to participate, regardless of whether or not you consider yourself to be on studyblr, writerblr, journalblr or any other side of tumblr. The rules (not that there are many) are below!

How the challenge works: 🌹

(more under the cut)

Gather loose sheets of paper or grab a notebook. If you’re more digital, you can write your letters in the Notes app / the tumblr post itself.

Think back to moments in your life: the times filled with joy that you’d like to share with future you in writing — and the lower moments, the ones where you wish you had the right words or comfort to deal with the negative thoughts in your head. Turn these into “To [name], for when…” prompts for your letters. Some examples of these can be:

To [name], for when you feel undeserving of the bright future of your marking

To [name], for when you wanna have a good laugh or giggle

To [name], for when you can’t call or text anyone right now but need someone to talk to

And lastly the good ol’— (breaks the rule a bit but it’s cool)

To [name], a love letter from yours truly

Write 1-2 pages (if on paper) or 250-500 words (if on an app with a word count) of your letter.

Either keep these in a designated notebook or fold and place them into lil envelopes to read in the future! If they’re paperless, keep them in a saved space on your device, or post them on tumblr if you’re comfortable!

🍫 Here’s the fun part: for the challenge posts, include the date, the subject of your letter, and a line or a few lines from your letter that stick out to you 💋

Besides this, there are no other rules except general tw placed before your text if necessary and not violating Tumblr’s guidelines.

[itspileofgoodthings]

.

[maraschinotopped]

stumbling into the tumblr blog covered in blood. hey guys i think pendog creative library is pretty cool. you should check it out.

[quarks-pussy]

Marinler wedding but when the priest says "you may now kiss the bride" Mariner dips him

[altruistic-meme]

if you could... describe aftg in 5 words

oh this is not as easy a question to answer as it should be akfhsdkf bc like. i could describe its plot, or my thoughts on it as a fan, or how it makes me feel, or just make a joke, or or or and bc idk why you're asking it makes it harder :'))

but let's see...

plot: gay sports mafia found family.

fan: drama, familiarity, trauma, comedy, home

feelings: love, understanding, chaos, joy, comfort

joke: you know, i get it-

(as you can see, i couldn't pick which one to go with, so choose whichever 5 words you want lmao)

[loumauve]

I snapped today at work, and by snapped I mean I politely commented on a help desk ticket by summing up an mess of an (type of) issue that's come up for at least the fourth time in the 2+ months I've been managing user accounts, and asked the person responsible to fix it (himself for once) because last time I fixed his mess-up it took me two whole days to work out the details with at least four other colleagues from different departments and I really don't want to do it again. there's other shit that needs doing, I've been working 10+ hour days for most of this week already, so I need to cut down not add on more.

(good thing tho - at least we managed to fix the issue where the dataset of a newer employee got mixed up with another one of the same name and therefore wasn't able to apply for any of the access/accounts she needed. technically not entirely my area but it does impact us not being allowed to create an account for her so I figured I might as well track that issue down. took three days and at least three other people, but hey - it should all work out now. yay for that)

[todayisafridaynight]

I wanted to write in about my thoughts on Jo as a CSA survivor separately for a couple of reasons:

I already more or less have what I have to say on the topic in order thanks to talks with @starssystem and another friend [<3]

This is a massive tonal shift from anything else I could be discussing

This Is Massive In General For The Love Of God PLEASE Help Me

Obvious CSA CW for anyone else reading; I only discuss statistics, psychology, and the aftereffects seen in survivors here, but it's worth a warning.

With the disclaimers out of the way… I'd mentioned before I've only ever added one thing to Jo's background, and you were right: this is it! To me, there's so much thematic overlap in Jo's narrative with the experience of surviving CSA it's worth it to examine his character through the lens of that being the case. Of course, there are clearly-stated reasons for it all that Aren't That, but…

It's the pervasive guilt and shame, the lifelong secret that becomes too unbearable not to tell, the faulty coping mechanisms aimed at burying the trauma without having to face it, the reluctance to be sincere [vulnerable] and the lies and half-truths used to maintain the facade of invulnerability, the pursuit of power and control and the knee-jerk anger response when it's threatened, the pursuit of mastery over his body and the indifference to what happens to it. And the way a lot of it really does stem from a deeply traumatic childhood sexual experience from before either he or Ikumi understood what they were getting into, from before they could give informed consent.

Statistically, the further below the average age someone is for their first time, the likelihood of [at best] having been introduced to sex inappropriately and [at worst] having been abused at the time or earlier rises exponentially. Jo was 15 when Masato was conceived--possibly 14, since he was saying he "met" Arakawa at 15, and by then Masato was already born. To put this into perspective, since what ages register as concerning is largely cultural, the average age in the US and UK is 16-18. But in Japan, it's over 19.

To a Westerner [or even a heavily Westernized non-Westerner], having a kid at 15 is unfortunate, but not untenable; you've seen it on TV, you might know people like that, you might even be that kid or that parent. But in Jo's case, with him being 4 or 5 years younger than average, it's like if someone told you they had their first time--had a /kid/--at 13 or under. That's the equivalent discrepancy. That /is/ concerning, to me.

It's also something that's linked to negative outcomes in adulthood, partly because of the likelihood of forming bonds with poorly-adjusted peers. Jo specifically states he and Ikumi were only together because others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had back then. [As an aside, it's interesting to see him instinctively seek out a relationship where his pain would be understood without having to say anything--or one where he could assume it would, at any rate.]

When it comes to his relationship with Ikumi, I've always felt there was this "adult dynamic" between them--in the sense it feels like one that'd be more fitting for adults to get into than a couple of teens. It was, based on his wording, a primarily physical relationship neither of them expected to last even if they were living together. To me, it's one thing if you're fully convinced you're in love or you're experimenting or whatever and that results in an unplanned pregnancy, but it's another thing entirely to have such a bleak yet objective outlook on your relationship so young.

And it didn't have to be that way. He could've been just like Arakawa, head-over-heels in love with this girl who was The Only Good Thing He Had Going, or something like that. But the sheer contrast between how Arakawa was crazy about Akane and never forgot about her for the rest of his life, while Jo more-or-less-clearly didn't have feelings for Ikumi and can't bring himself to remember her name after living with her for at least a year and experiencing life-changing events with her…

It's notable to me that Arakawa maintains an interest in women while nearly every in-character interpretation I've seen makes Jo averse to women. Obviously, we don't really know that; it's probably just based on his general attitudes, his contrast with Arakawa, and maybe his immunity to Charm. But I think there's a reason a lot of people pick up on it and tie it to trauma rather than/in addition to a lack of interest in women.

I've talked about this through the lens of comphet already [and Jo being gay or ace or both would present other difficulties], but I can't overstate how notable it is on its own. We see Jo's response to traumatic events, and it's to become preoccupied with them, to investigate further if he has any leads. That's why he remembers every minute detail of the night Masato was born and the time he saw Arakawa attempt to comfort Masato when he was crying and hitting himself. I think it's also why he gets as far as he does when looking into Arakawa's death, and why he entrusts the search to Ichi. He never seems to manage to block them out, even if that's what he'd rather do--even if that's what he thinks he's doing.

So if he "[doesn't] even remember" the name of the mother of his child, I get the feeling there's something more going on. Like I've [probably] said in the past, Jo genuinely sounds traumatized by the relationship as a whole. More than anything else he's been through, and he's been through a lot. It's often the case that CSA survivors who are also survivors of other trauma view it as worse than anything else that happened to them.

And that's not to implicate Ikumi at all, I don't think it's a case of COCSA--everything I've said holds just as true for her, and she had to suffer the additional trauma of an unwanted pregnancy and childbirth, at that. Rather, I think it would make sense for something like CSA, which often incontrovertibly reconfigures one's relationship with sex and love, to be a factor in why they rushed into a something physical before they were mature enough to handle it.

Some victims end up having perfectly healthy experiences, some victims end up avoiding them, some victims end up re-victimized, and some victims end up with a mixed bag--there's a lot of variation. But some victims do end up having relationships like this and making mistakes like this, because that's all they know, or because they want to heal but don't [or don't know how to] go about it in a healthy way, at a healthy pace. And I definitely think if you recognize that's what the basis of your relationship was, that it all comes back to something you'd rather forget, it'd make sense to want to forget the relationship as a whole.

To that end, it's possible to come away from a relationship traumatized even if no one did anything wrong. I've [probably] talked about how the way Jo comforts her at the station feels like he's doing it for her sake and pushing his own feelings down, but neither of them is really buying it. If that's a pattern in their relationship, perhaps he wouldn't have been able to communicate if maybe what they were doing was dredging up bad memories, if he wanted to stop but didn't think she did. So to go through with it, then get the news months later…

Either way, the fact Ikumi couldn't bring herself to tell him she was pregnant until nothing could be done would, for Jo, invariably cement the feeling he has no control over what happens around him. I think the sense of powerlessness he felt is why he blew up at her when she told him, because it's really the only time we see him lash out like that at her. At the park, he objects to going back for Masato, sure, but he's passive. And I think that unbroken pattern of powerlessness in his life [which CSA would only compound on] is why he's so reactionary, why he's so emotionally dysregulated, why he expresses his rage through what basically amounts to power-tripping.

But I do think Jo does have a great deal of awareness. A lot of his wording when he's telling Ichi about it borders on poetic, or at the very least candid and effective. That requires both prior reflection and a command of language. I think there's a lot he understands deep down, at least after sitting with it for long enough, but he isn't capable of voicing--or doesn't know how to voice--what's on his mind, most of the time.

So when he joins the Arakawa Family, when he rises the ranks and has that control back, his control has to be near-absolute. If it's undermined in any way--such as, for example, a certain someone failing to answer a call within two rings--he loses it. On the other side of the coin, I do feel a lot of why his devotion and gratitude towards Arakawa goes to the extent it does, why he's so comfortable with him, is because Arakawa gave him the safety of the Arakawa Family, gave him back his autonomy, gave him the environment--and treated him with enough humanity to give him the reason--to learn to regulate himself, to better himself.

And Arakawa /gets/ trauma. He really does. Aside from his own abusive background, literally the only time the word trauma comes out of any character's mouth in this series, it's Arakawa's. It comes back to Jo saying others who came from backgrounds like his own were all he had; that never changed, did it?

Lastly, For Funsies [<- LIE. COMPLETE LIE. TURN BACK NOW] I wanted to go through the items on this [CSA] Survivors' Aftereffects Checklist I could check off with near-certainty. 19/34, by the way, give or take. Now, as I said at the beginning, there are existing concrete reasons for why he has many of these experiences… but it's like the trans allegory with Masato, To Me… If I can check off over half the list based on a very limited backstory and an hour of screen time total, that's indicative of a notable overlap… TO ME…

Note that the book this list is from was published in 1990 and focuses on women's experiences. It was a huge step forward in giving survivors a voice back when a lot of existing research indicated CSA had neutral or even positive effects on children, but it's definitely a product of its time. With that out of the way…

Wearing a lot of clothing, even in summer […]

To be fair, most male characters in RGG are fully-covered and have near-unchanging designs, and it's winter in both 2000/2001 and presumably 2019, but… when it comes to Jo, it feels a little different.

He does have Some Heavage in his twenties [although the necklace takes the attention off of his actual chest], but as time goes on, he shows less and less skin and adds more and more layers. When he has the gloves on, it leaves no skin exposed at all, and there's this direct symbolic correlation with secrecy that isn't there for other characters. And if you're wearing three layers of leather [or even one], you can neither feel what you're touching nor feel anything touch you.

Pure Speculation, but I just can't really see him underdressed for any occasion… That's why his fit in Day with the Sun is funny as hell but also… yeah…

As a behavior, if it's rooted in anything, it's probably rooted in having to hide signs of physical abuse, of course--but then he kind of already had an excuse, with how he was constantly getting into fights. I guess it depends on the specifics, but I think it's interesting to consider this as one way CSA victims attempt to regain control of their bodies, avoiding emotional discomfort at the cost of physical discomfort.

Self-destructiveness

It's nothing super overt, but I see this most clearly represented in his second boss fight in particular; his willingness to wield a blade bare-handed while using enough force he could very well render his hand useless. I think it's potentially also evident in how he has severe cataracts he chooses to ignore and allow to worsen, despite having the reasons and resources to undergo surgery to restore his vision. In doing so, he literally and figuratively blinds himself to so much.

I also kind of think the assassination of Hoshino/the anonymous call and The Eye Scene are examples of self-sabotage. I mean, he literally was sabotaging himself in the former, but it's also the specific way he feels the need to be physically taken down in order to be stopped--possibly a holdover from RGGJo, who's only too happy to be beaten into a coma.

I don't know… It's hard to pinpoint, but I feel like he would be averse to most of the more "obvious" self-destructive behaviors--especially when he has people in his life who might notice and worry, like Ikumi and Arakawa. That and because many of them are addictive. He's seen what that's done to his father, and he's also developed this incredibly rigid sense of discipline he can't maintain if he doesn't have a clear head.

From how he talks about himself [as having lost his humanity and lived a half-assed life], I definitely think he's at the very least unkind to himself, but I also think he does externalize it by provoking others to harm him [in the case of physical fights] and reject him. Like he needs some kind of proxy perpetrator. For some abuse victims, this specific manifestation of self-destructive behavior is a way to regain control--whether or not you "deserved it" back then, you do now, as a direct, logical result of your actions.

Need to be invisible, perfect, or perfectly bad

I think each of these needs manifests in different ways for Jo. The need to be invisible can be seen with authority figures (mainly Aoki, but also Arakawa in The Yubitsume Scene, a little; how drastically he pulls back and tries to act "normal")--this relates to what you were talking about with being reluctant to intrude or take up space. If you fall under the radar, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfect can be seen in his seemingly "impossible" standards, I would say. Of course, because we see things from Ichiban's perspective, we tend to see them as unfair and often arbitrary demands. But they aren't arbitrary to Jo, are they? They're standards he holds himself to through and through. If you're good, maybe you won't get hurt.

The need to be perfectly bad can be seen in and relates to much of what I discussed under self-destructiveness [The Eye Scene and the way he antagonizes Ichiban specifically by making himself out to be worse than he is]. If you must get hurt, it can at least "make sense"--be "deserved."

Suicidal thoughts, attempts, obsession (including "passive suicide")

Obviously he's not like… Mine Levels Of Overtly And Consistently Suicidal, and he doesn't attempt suicide himself, but at the same time, I have to note his total ambivalence towards Aoki seeing him as a "bullet" (a kind of hitman sent on suicide missions). He agreed to what he himself viewed as a suicide mission and he didn't care what would happen to him afterward, as he says to Joon-gi, Zhao, and Adachi.

Aside from that, I certainly feel he's at least had passive thoughts like wanting to disappear or wishing he'd never been born. Y'know. Nothing concrete, but reflective of his mental state, and just as detrimental to dwell on long-term.

I think there's a sort of childishness [for lack of a better word] to thoughts like these [in that they're impossible], but also a level of maturity in that it probably doesn't escalate to something more actionable because he understands he has responsibilities he can't abandon. I think if he was ever seriously suicidal, it would be at the points of his life where he really didn't have any responsibility to anyone, like between Ikumi leaving and him joining the family, or after he was arrested.

Depression (sometimes paralyzing) […]

I'm trying not to over explain going forward because I Have BEEN Overexplaining It Is SUCH A Disaster… he's depressed If You Have Eyes And/Or Ears… I'll leave it at that…

Anger issues; inability to recognize, own, or express anger; constant anger […]

Lol

Rigid control of one's thought process; humorlessness or extreme solemnity

Relates back to what I was saying about how disciplined he is [and expects everyone else to be], but in general, he's incredibly, incredibly serious and focused. I don't think he's /entirely/ humorless [but then again, very few people are]; I just think his specific sense of humor is. Like. What Is Your Problem [I Know What Your Problem Is I Have Been Discussing It In EXCRUCIATING Detail But What The Fuck Is Your Problem]

Trust issues; inability to trust (trust is not safe); total trust; trusting indiscriminately

That's why he was planning on taking his secret to the grave, isn't it? It was only when faced with the realization it would soon be too late to say anything that he was able to tell Ichiban. He could've trusted Arakawa, should've been able to, but… in his mind he never could.

This book [and this checklist] is about "incest" actually, but it redefines "incest" to mean any instance of CSA perpetrated by any individual the victim trusts or has an expectation of being able to implicitly trust. Which… is most CSA as we understand it today, so I've edited some parts to just say that.

Anyway, I've never given much thought to the specifics of what Jo might've experienced--who did it, what happened, how long it went on, etc.--so there's no conclusion I can draw here [and elsewhere, I'm sure]… but even without that, to grow up unable to trust the one person who should be in his corner, his father, and to have his trust betrayed by Ikumi, it's no surprise Jo ended up like this either way. So… I'm happy he had the courage to tell Ichi, in the end.

High risk taking ("daring the fates"); inability to take risks

I think these are supposed to be mutually exclusive, but to me, Hoshino's assassination and Arakawa's assassination represent both sides of the coin, although they're not the only examples. There are risks Jo won't think twice about taking and risks that paralyze him.

Boundary issues; control, power, territoriality issues; fear of losing control; obsessive/compulsive behaviors (attempts to control things that don't matter, just to control something)

Lol…

Guilt, shame; low self-esteem, feeling worthless; high appreciation of small favors by others

Lmao Even…

Feeling demand to "produce and be loved"; instinctively knowing and doing what the other person needs or wants; relationships mean big tradeoffs (love was taken, not given)

I actually think this encapsulates a lot of what I've been saying about his work ethic, his ideas of discipline, and his relationship with Ikumi, but I also think it's why Masato took a liking to him. His attentiveness. It ties back into wanting to be perfect; when you're abused--especially long-term--you become attuned to observing and responding to any shifts in mood or tone. This is another area where I can't draw any conclusions relevant to my point, but it does certainly relate to his father's abuse, at any rate.

Abandonment issues

Kind of contentious… The anticipation of being abandoned by or losing someone he cares about appears to be worse than the actual experience. He's fine with Ikumi leaving him, and he's… not Fine With, but able to come to terms with Arakawa's death and Aoki's abandonment of him. At the same time, he really does try to make Ikumi's stay in his life comfortable, and he spends almost forty years doing his damnedest to keep his family together, whatever the cost. If I were to extrapolate from RGGJo, though, /he/ does have an obsessive, unhealthy attachment to Arakawa.

Blocking out some period of early years (especially 1–12); or a specific person or place

Ikumiiiiii that's what I'm SAYINGGGG

Feeling of carrying an awful secret; urge to tell, fear of its being revealed; certainty no one will listen; being generally secretive […]

Rofl Perhaps…

Denial; […] repression of memories; pretending; minimizing ("it wasn't that bad") […]

He admits to it himself. Not much else to say. Though I don't think he necessarily minimizes what he's been through by dismissing how bad it was; rather, he tends to overestimate his ability to move past it.

Pattern of ambivalent or intensely conflictive relationships (intimacy is a problem; also focus shifted from [CSA] issues)

Also kind of contentious… we don't see a pattern of romantic relationships, as I assume the author meant here, but at the same time, the romantic relationship and non-romantic relationships we do see fit this pattern. I guess I'd say I definitely think intimacy /would/ be a problem, and he /wouldn't/ be ready to address his issues.

Limited tolerance for happiness; active withdrawal from happiness, reluctance to trust happiness ("ice=thin")

The quote that prompted this ask in the first place. It's sort of connected to the point about humorlessness and extreme solemnity; if that was the "what," this is the "why." He doesn't know how to relax ["holidays don't exist" and all], he doesn't have much to be happy about, but even rarer is the occasion where he doesn't feel too conflicted in the moment to be able to enjoy himself. That's just how I see him.

[…] verbal hypervigilance (careful monitoring of one's words); quiet-voiced, especially when needing to be heard

EXACTLY what I was talking about in this ask, so I'm leaving that one up to past me…

......

... That's It That's The Essay I'm going to hibernate until Infinite Wealth comes out and somehow refutes my points but UNTIL THEN. Farewell, take care, and once more, don't worry too much about matching my energy… Like I Said if I were the one receiving this ask I'd just delete my blog, so… I'll just be happy to know you read it :] If That lmao

ok i read it :) 👁️👁️ READMYTAGSTHERESMORETHEREIPROMISE

[caffeinatedopossum]

Not triggering just personal

I really need to vent about being asexual and sex repulsed but I feel like no one will understand and I get how a lot of the things I think will sound but I really just need to for once get these thoughts off my chest without having them being morally appraised because they *aren't* my morals, they're just things I can't change.

And I don't want people to TRY to change it either! Or to try to figure what ~hOrRiBle trAuMas~ could have possibly made me "this way". It's not that I think there's nothing wrong with me, it's just that this thing needs to stay neutral to me if I ever expect to actually understand it. I want people to stop morally appraising and physcoanalyzing my sexuality through the lense of inherent trauma!!

I just want to talk about this without feeling like I need to put a disclaimer before every sentence, explaining why I feel the way that I feel. I don't know ok! I don't know why I feel the way that I feel sometimes. I'm just doing my best and I wish more people would understand that. Maybe you don't get an explanation because this is my identity and doesn't need to be justified. I just want to understand myself.

[gobbluthbutagirl]

the fact that i have been back in the second-worst carolina’s neighbor to the south for over two weeks now and this is the first night i have actually been able to sleep in my own room due to all the junk my siblings left in there that had to be cleared out first. insanity

[corvidiss]

#smile at people #a majority of the time people will smile back and you win Human Points #learn how to compliment people and do it often #Normalcy is a perspective that changes depending on who is looking but kindness and a positive attitude shows the same view to everyone #basic politeness with a little extra effort is amazingly difficult at times #but it goes MILES

Genuinely good advice from @aroace-get-out-of-my-face

can someone recommend some beginner normal behaviors for someone looking to become normal

[orcelito]

God, this cold weather is shredding my throat. I want it to stop being so cold 😭😭😭😭😭

[mysteriorockanova]

what's with that post where somebody says something like "it's weird that when people talk about 'irredeemable media' they're usually talking about steven universe instead of a serbian film" but then immediately after that people start clowning on somebody else for saying a serbian film sounds nasty and bad and they don't want to watch it? they're right! it IS nasty and bad and lacks redeeming artistic qualities!

[weaselle]

it was too much i had to make my own post

line cook here. ACCURATE

if you don't get the hate, here's what you don't understand.

it takes up to 2 hours to close down the kitchen.

The last 60-90 minutes before closing time you do almost no cooking because the restaurant doesn't have many people in it and you've already cooked most of their diners.

So if someone walks in during, like, the last hour, the cook is in the middle of an industrial deep clean of the kitchen.

(these numbers can vary quite a bit from place to place but i have worked several restaurants with these actual times and the concept remains the same)

Say the place closes at 10. If you wait til the restaurant is already closed to start all your cleaning duties, you'll be there until at least midnight.

More than that your boss knows that on an average night you can start your clean up as soon as the last rush ends and get out of there around 10:45, even 10:15 on a slow night if you get lucky. That means there are plenty of restaurants where if you do take until midnight the manager is going to come up to you at some point that week and ask you what went wrong that night, and you'd better have an answer.

So this example restaurant closes at 10 pm. The dinner rush ends around 8:30, and shortly after that the cook is going to start getting every single dish possible over to the dishwasher because the dishwasher always gets hit hard and late, and the machine runs for 2 full minutes and only holds so many dishes, so the way that works out is if you wait an extra 30 minutes to give the dishwasher all your stuff it can mean adding like 60 minutes to the end of his shift. And you're gonna KEEP finding shit to send to the dishpit right up until you leave probably.

all these little square and rectangle containers in this cold table have to be pulled out and changed over into new containers, replaced by new full ones, or in some cases filled from larger containers in the back, which can result in even more empty containers to send to the dishwasher.

while it's all pulled apart to do this, you have to clean up all the spilled food and sauce and juices and stuff from the joints and ledges and shelves and drip trays

Once you get your line changed over in this way, and fully stocked, anytime someone orders something that makes use of a bunch of that stuff, you have to restock and re-clean it some. It might already be covered in plastic. Some of it might already be stuck in the back to make room to take apart your cutting board counter to clean. To cook a dish isn't TOO much of a problem at this point, but you're really hoping for zero orders because you still have so much other cleaning to do.

Meanwhile the salad bar and appetizer section and server station and everybody are all doing the same thing. Even the bartenders are stocking olives and lemons and sending back whisks and stir spoons and shakers and empty 4quart storage containers that used to hold the back-up lemons and olives and things. Every section is dumping their must-be-cleaneds to the dishpit as fast as possible because early and fast is the only thing they can do to to help that dishpit not absolutely drown into overtime.

The poor dishwasher is always the last to clock out, soaking wet and exhausted.

Around this time you probably scrub the flat top, which has turned black from cooked on grease and is still about 500 degrees. Line cooks are divided in opinion on water-based or oil based cleaning methods for this, but they all involve scrubbing with (usually) a brick of pumice stone using every ounce of your strength while you try not to burn yourself

you scrub it from fully blackened to gleaming silver and now if somebody orders something that needs the flat top to cook, you can either fuck up your cleaning job or fake it in a couple frying pans and pass that tiny fuck you down to your dishwasher (who usually understands, especially if you help them take the garbage out or clean your own floor drain later)

If there's deep fried stuff on the menu then the fryers have to be cleaned out, which includes straining the oil out into enormous and super-heavy pots full of oil so hot that if you spill on yourself then it's probably a hospital visit and if you slip and fall face first into it it'll be the last thing you ever do.

Then you gotta scrub out the fryer. Like you gotta take the (hot) screen out and reach your arm down into the weird rounded pipes and curved areas (so hot, burn you if you brush against them hot) and scrub off whatever is down there

Depending on your kitchen you might have to do up to four of these. Then you'll have to pour the (dangerously hot) oil back in

oh, and if you didn't dry the pipes and get ALL the water out of the trap and tank?

water reacts with hot oil in a sort of mentos and coke way that can send a tidal wave of oil past the open flame of the pilot light ...HUGE dangerous mess and/or burn down the kitchen if the oil lights up.

Unless! If the oil has been used too hard and needs to be changed, it's time to carry those open topped super heavy pots full of will-kill-you-hot oil and dump them in the barrel outside by the dumpsters so you can put room temp fresh oil in the fryers. whew!

The clean up is not just some light wiping down that can be easily interrupted, is what i'm saying.

You might have to do some kind of walk-in duty (moving around 50lb cases of lettuce and 50lb bags of onions to get to the stacks of five gallon buckets full of salad dressings and sauces to move so you can reach the giant metal pots and bus tubs full of prep and get it all organized and make sure it's all labeled and i have to stop now i'm having flashbacks)

THE POINT IS

by 15 or however many minutes to close, the line cook is doing an intense deep clean and probably has the whole stove taken apart to detail.

For some industrial stoves this means lifting off large cast iron plates that weigh like 20 lbs each and are still quite hot. Whatever metal burners are on there, you gotta take off and clean, you can see here the lines that indicate the large thick cast iron rectangles that sit on top of the burners to allow heavy pots to rest on. Those five (each has one front burner hole and one back burner hole, see?) have to be lifted off and cleaned with soap and a wire brush usually, and then the underneath area also has to be cleaned because a lot of shit falls through the burner holes on a busy night.

if you didn't do it when you did the flat top you have to do the grease trap (which can be like a full five minutes and is always disgusting).. You gotta clean out all the little gas jets in each burner with a wire or something so the burners all flame evenly, and sometimes you have to remove some of the natural gas piping that connects the burners to access where you have to clean.

you gotta clean out the bottom of the oven and the wire racks, and, oh gods, you gotta take down the filter vents from the hood fans above the stove.

See all the lined parts along the top of the wall?

those are hood vents, and as they pull air up they also pull a lot of grease and they have to be taken down and cleaned, then you gotta climb up there and scrub where they go before you put them back...

And then there's the mopping and floor drains and...

Anyway, that's what the line cook is doing when you walk in fifteen minutes before closing and order something that needs to be cooked on that stove. They are doing an entire industrial cleaning of a professional kitchen.

In some restaurants maybe one or two of these jobs will be every other night or even only twice a week, but in many, possibly most kitchens, ALL of these things happen EVERY night. You don't want to leave any food mess that might attract insects or rodents for one thing, so a really good kitchen is as close to brand new as you can get it every night.

IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO ORDER SOMETHING ANYWAY, HERE IS WHAT TO DO

open with an apology and ask the server to go ask what the cook would prefer you to order.

Any good server will already know what the cook is hoping for and what will make their line cook go into the walk in and scream. If it's significantly less than an hour to close and they say some variant of "oh anything is fine" they are either telling the lie their boss wants them to say, or they actually do not know what their line cook wants, and you can either use human connection and a conspiratorial just-between-us tone to get them to drop the customer-is-always-right act, or get them to actually go ask the cook.

It might be as specific as "the lasagna is easiest on the kitchen" or it might be a simple guideline like "nothing that requires the flat top" or "any of the sautés are easy" but a good line cook will probably have a system for if they have to make a couple of the most popular items after they start their close, so the answer is likely to include something most people like and you should be good to order that.

but for the love of all that's holy, please only do so at great need. Leave that last 30-60 minutes to the truly desperate and the crew's duties.