#i think it's sad that I've had to become the person I am now after this year given circusmstance

[starry-bi-sky]

nobody is safe hahaha! trust me if i had the spoons for it i'd be replying to everyone's tags, i am delighted to reply to them

#I really like your description of a Fully Ghost Danny#I think it fits him

character design is my favorite thing ever. the outfits themselves im not too good at sometimes, but the physical appearances are like. my favorite thing ever. Coming up with Fem Danyal's design was a treat. I put a claw at the end of her braid and turned her hair into a rope dart, it was fantastic.

Danny's ghost being permanently 14 is so tragic to me, but the ide of his ghost form fluctuating between ages only ust hit me as I was writing it and I thought it'd be neat as fuck ldshf. What age he appears at varies by a lot of different things including but not limited to his mood and attention.

#I also love the whole ‘making his first death more tragic by making him younger when it happened’ thing#it always makes reveals that much more tragic and I am HERE for it

FAIR. I'll be frank I did it here just so that I could have Danny meet Bruce when he was 14/13 and give them more family bonding time, but I fr wanna make more aus where his first death happens when he's a little younger. I forgot that it was just a thing I could just do if I wanted, and its reminded me my Mockingbird Au from when I was still active in Maribat.

And its so tragic! and uncomfortable for the people around Phantom! I'm just imagining little 11-12yr old phantom in a hazmat suit that's clearly meant for someone bigger than him, some of it slightly shrunk to fit better. Maybe there's some tragic reasoning behind it like the heat of the portal melted the suit a little bit so it fits danny a little better but is still visibly too big.

(Aw maybe when he's really upset his suit start to get all melty? I've thought a lot about the more horrific aspect of being basically cooked alive in between the doorway of two dimensions. I have this image of the arms become charred and skeletal like when he uses too much of his powers. The sleeves of his suit melting off and onto his skin in plastic chunks to reveal black-charred skeletal arms and hands underneath. I'll spare details on what I think his face looks like, except for the idea that he loses an eye and can roll the remaining one between sockets)

And he's got these long, slightly droopy elf ears that look slightly too big for him, highlighting just how young he is. They move too, pricking up when he hears something, pinning back when he feels a certain emotion. And of course the standard cosmetic changes like the glowing catlike green eyes and fluffy white hair that flicker and moves like an aurora borealis at the tips. And of course, the glowing star freckles.

Overall, him just blatantly looking like a child. It's a constant punch in the gut that this honest to god dead kid is the one protecting the city from harm.

#I also love that even though this is a ‘bad’ ending it still leaves us with a more bittersweet feeling than a depressing one

its about the clossuuurrreee.

#I wonder how the batfam would react to his age fluctuating tho#and how he was already halfway dead long before he fully died

confusion and heartbreak! someone would ask and danny gets all sheepish. he weighs his pros and cons and then reveals his Tragic Backstory™ and the Accident that turned him into a halfa. He explains he used to be a hero in his hometown, and that his godfather -- the one that poisoned him -- was his arch-nemesis.

Which, everyone just listens to with intent horror. It's like listening to a tragedy after its already long passed. A child hero -- first killed by his parents' irresponsibility -- murdered by his arch-nemesis, who happened to also be his godfather. He didn't have anyone to keep him safe; he was completely alone.

What's even worse is when Danny tells them that Vlad didn't even intend for Danny to die -- he poisoned him as a control tactic, but didn't think Danny would actually run away.

the guilt is thick in the air.

#I wonder if there would be a way for him to visit them/for them to visit him after the heroes get back to the living realm#like#maybe after the first incident some of the heroes get thrown back into the Infinite Realms#I’m not saying that it would be often#but it would definitely cause some angst and hijinks

i was thinking about this! I think it'd be kinda sweet. Danny doesn't stick around often, but Gotham has a few areas where the veil between the zone and the living world thins out. Once he learns where these shortcuts are, he occasionally pops by to say hi. Usually its only for a few minutes, and only if patrol is slow.

Occasionally he'll start showing up to specific world-ending threats, or if somehow a ghost slips through to the living realm he'll follow right after to curbstomp their ass back to it. Very specific mental image of this teeny 12 year old with stars in his hair cheerfully German Supplexing some Ares-wannabe ghost into the fucking pavement, before turning to the Justice League and saying "Hey guys! Don't worry, I've got this!"

I am loudly pushing the batdad agenda i am loudly pushing the— DPxDC Prompt

“Woah. You look like shit."

Granted, that’s probably not the first thing Danny should be saying to the guy that just bit the curb, but in his defense; he’s not running on 100% right now either.

The man -- tall, towering, and broader than Danny is tall -- whips around on his heel, black frayed cape flaring out impressively. Danny would've whistled in appreciation, but he takes the time instead to wipe the back of his hand across his mouth, smearing the blood running from his nose across his cheek.

"Sorry." He blinks widely, not even flinching as the man with the horns zeroes in on him. "That was rude of me. I have a really bad brain-to-mouth filter; Sam says its what always gets me into trouble."

And she's not wrong either, per say. His smart mouth is what landed him in this situation -- with blood blossom extract running through his veins and cannibalizing the ectoplasm in his bloodstream. Thanks Vlad.

The man grunts at him; a short, curt "hm" that shouldn't make Danny smile, but he does because he's somewhat delirious and probably concussed. The man keeps some kind of distance, sinking towards the shadows of Gotham's alleyway like he dares to melt right into it.

If it's supposed to scare Danny, it doesn't work. Danny's never been afraid of the dark; he's always been able to hide himself in it. He blinks slowly at the mass of shadows.

"You look hurt." The shadows says, blurring together around the edges. Danny squints, and licks his lips to get the blood dripping down his chin off. Ugh, he hates the taste of blood.

"I am." He says, "My godfather poisoned me. M'dying." The agony of the blood blossom eating him from the inside out looped back around to numbing a while ago, so all he feels is half-awake and dazed.

"Hey," Danny stumbles forward towards the man, a bloodied hand reaching out to him. "You-- you're a hero, right? You're not attacking me; which is more than I can say for most costumed people I've met." Maybe it's a poor bar to judge someone at, but he's already established that Danny's not in his right mind.

The man makes no change in expression, but Danny realizes blearily that it's hard to tell with the shadows on his face. He stays still long enough for Danny to latch onto the cape -- stretchy, but almost soft under his fingers.

He looks up blearily into the whites of the man's eyes. "Can you help me? I don't-- I don't wanna die." Again. He doesn't wanna die again. He blinks slow and lizard-like. "I mean- I'll probably get to see mom and dad again, but I told them I'd at least try and make it to adulthood."

There's a clatter down the street, and Danny's ghost sense chills up his spine and leaves a bitter, ashy taste in his mouth. He immediately knows who it belongs to even before the deceptively gentle; "Daniel?" echoes down the way.

"Daniel? Quit your games, badger, Gotham is dangerous for children."

Danny's mouth pulls back, and blood spills against his tongue. "Please." He rasps, and grabs onto the shadow's cape with both hands. "Please. He's going to kill me. Please--"

"Daniel? Is that you?"

His lips part, dragging in air to plead with the darkness again. He doesn't need to, the whites of his eyes narrow, and the cape whirls around him before Danny can blink. Soon swaddled in shadows, the Night lifts him up, and steals him away.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for breaking up with my boyfriend because he likes my body?

TW for ED but please hear me out:

My bf (30m) and I (28f) have been together for a little over 5 years. When we got together I had an extremely stressful and physically demanding job. Shortly after our relationship started I relapsed with an eating disorder that had been a problem since prepubescence; I started restricting heavily at age 11 and had struggled with it on/off since then.

After quitting that terrible job and regaining some agency in my life, I spent a couple of years really focused on recovery. Without giving specific numbers (cause triggering) I'll say that I was extremely underweight to an unhealthy level for at least a year and experienced severe health complications because of it. I nearly died from heart problems and had a big wakeup call that caused me to change my whole life. I've done the work of recovery without medical help (history of omission with doctors) but have had support from my bf, and am currently at the highest weight of my life.

at a recent checkup my Dr talked a lot about "healthy lifestyle" and mentioned my weight gain over the past couple of years. I'm still within the "normal" range for my height and build, but the after visit summary/chart notes denoted risk of becoming overweight. Idk if my Dr would have brought it up if my history of ED was in my chart, (and I did switch primary care practices a few years ago, so they weren't treating me at my thinnest) but it still shook me a bit and I will admit to feeling very triggered.

The job I moved to is quite sedentary compared to the previous terrible one - I wfh, and very rarely have to be on my feet or do strenuous activity. In addition, I have chronic pain issues that make exercise difficult, and so historically have just restricted to maintain/lose weight because it's easier for me physically to just be hungry than to work out. I didn't want to go down that road again though because of how intense and scary it got last time.

My bf is a personal trainer and specializes in working with low ability clients and people recovering from long illness/injury. When I told him that I wanted to start exercising more often and get a good cardio routine going, he was really excited and started immediately putting together an "action plan" (what he calls it w his clients idk) for me. Then he mentioned how I'd need to add on a bunch of meal supplements and snacks to avoid losing weight and I got upset.

We're a plant-based (vegan) household and live with a roommate (bf's friend) so mostly eat/cook communal dinners and have various breakfast & lunch plans on hand, so we already eat pretty healthy and make sure to have a good balance of macro/micro in the meal plan. My intent was to eat the same but increase my activity level to get out of the danger zone without restricting. I don't generally snack and rarely eat dessert, just the 3 squares.

I told my bf that I needed to lose weight and be more active according to my doctor, and that I wasn't comfortable with having protein supplements, smoothies, and snacks in addition to regular meals because that would defeat the purpose. He got really sad and said that he likes the way my body is now, and while he supports being more active, he doesn't want the size of me to change. His exact words at some point were "you look so good now, I love the amount of you that there is and I like the way you jiggle." It kind of made me feel sick and wonder if he has like a secret size fetish or something?

So I've been thinking of breaking things off with him and moving in with a friend or back in with my parents, but idk if this is actually a red flag or just the disorder talking? He did help me a lot with recovery but if he's going to keep me from being healthy or wants me to gain even more weight then maybe it's better to leave - would this be an asshole move? I honestly don't know.

[scribblesofagoonerr]

Why does Monkey live with Leah and not her own family?

— monkey's past | buddy & monkey: double the trouble

despite her wild and chaotic antics, the girl's background is actually pretty sad and she doesn't like to talk much about it.

the nightmares from monkey's past at night haunt her sometimes.

monkey always considered her relationship with her parents her father to be challenging and hard, while the relationship with her mother is pretty much non-exsistant.

she finds it hard to talk about them things.

her mother abandoned her only child when she was little, no explanation - one day monkey woke up and the women had fled.

there was no goodbye, no note, nothing.

the resentment for the women was still is there and whenever monkey is asked about her mother, she's always quick to drop the subject.

the team have learned that the hard way in the past.

"my mother is dead,"

"is she really?"

"no, but... well, she might as well be,"

monkey's relationship with her father was complicated to say the least, the man had to raise her alone when his wife walked out on them when monkey was just shy of 2 for a whole new family.

her father had a few various different coping mechanisms - throwing himself into his work and drinking, sometimes even drugs.

the man definitely did have a temper and the scars on monkey's back prove it, unfortunately.

"i'm sorry dad,"

"sorry isn't good enough. you should know better!"

"dad,"

"your nothing but a disappointment, your mother had the right idea to leave you when she did. get out of my sight, now!"

if the man wasn't passed out on the sofa drunk or lashing out at his daughter with his fists, he was throwing himself into his work.

monkey was completely neglected and alone, but he was clever and always made it seem like he was the caring doting father, so he was to never get caught out.

monkey never got to escape her fathers' clutches until she was 16

when arsenal scouted monkey, the man was more than happy enough to sign the papers and all but washed his hands off her.

"i've washed my hands off her, shes' your problem now."

there was never any contact from that day.

not even on birthday or christmases.

monkey should have felt a sense of freedom, but instead she was lost.

the man who had so much hatred for his daughter and all she wanted craved was his approval.

monkey has always been a life-long gooner, joining the academy when she turned 8 and it felt like a dream come true, her dad was a gooner as well - it's in her blood, she lives and breathes arsenal.

being only 16 when she signed, she was taken under the wing of the older girls, more so specifically leah who she moved in with, along with kim, the two she formed a pretty close bond with.

"your my person, you both are. i love you."

"we've always got your back here, monkey."

"and your never alone, you have family here."

"we love you too, menace."

it was at the age of 18 when monkey found out her dad died, not that it made any difference at all.

"ha, well guess that i really am an orphan now, right?"

"monkey,"

"was it the drinking or drugs that killed him? it was only a matter of time,"

after all, monkey thinks that dark humor is the way to make things better.

it's become her coping mechanism.

"should i care? he didn't care about me when i was alive, why should i care about him when he's dead?"

it's safe to say that monkey's past is pretty haunting to her, but with the stability that she has around her, its' better now she has the arsenal girls to look out for her.

monkey has her chosen family, she is protected and loved by all of the older girls, despite how much of a menace she can be at times.

I didn't plan for this to be so sad, but here we go. feel free to continue to send me hc's for this little world i'm creating!

[sansaorgana]

Hello love! I simply adore your writing and I was wondering if I could get a Gale Cleven x reader who's dealing with infertility? Probably something angsty? If not, that's totally fine. I'm just having a bit of a rough day :/

hi, sweetheart! ��� I'm sorry that you're having a rough day... I am trying to write these stories chronologically but I decided to write this one today so you don't have to wait too long 😊 btw I know that we treat Buck as a fictional character here but as far as I am concerned, real Buck Cleven never had children – at least I've never seen them mentioned anywhere like Bucky's daughters or Crosby's kids 🤔

my inbox is open for blurb/short fic requests for major cleven 🤗

You didn’t want to go there at all but you knew that you should leave the house finally for your own mental health. Buck was looking worried about you, too, and you wanted to show him that you were slowly getting better after your last miscarriage. But the truth was that some part of you was dying with each one of them.

For the first time it had been sad but not devastating yet – it was common to happen after all. Second time had started to make you worry. Third and fourth had only been a confirmation of your fear – you wouldn’t give your husband a child and you wouldn’t become a mother unless someone comes up with a magical cure.

Your best friend Eva was the only person who had known about it and she was as worried as Buck was. When one of your and Eva’s friends, Nancy, had decided to throw a tea party, Eva insisted on taking you there. So you dressed up and let her take you in her car as Buck watched from the window with a faint smile.

Eva was an independent woman. After her husband’s death in the war she decided not to marry again. She got her own car and managed most things on her own. She was a wild and free spirit and she never wanted to have children so as much as you appreciated her effort to help you – you knew that she would never fully understand your struggle.

The tea party took place at Nancy’s house. There were a few other women and you all sat by the table and sipped on the warm beverage from the china set Nancy had gotten for her wedding. She looked excited and her eyes were sparkling all the time as she was smiling widely. Eventually, you found out the reason behind that.

“So, I wanted you all to come here because… Because I have something to tell you, girls,” she giggled and all the women looked at her, curiously.

You felt a knot forming in your stomach. You already felt what it was.

“I’m pregnant!” She announced and everyone cheered. You did too, forcing a smile. Eva’s hand found yours under the table and squeezed yours to show you a silent support.

You felt tears forming in the corners of your eyes. You got angry at Eva for convincing you to come here but it wasn’t her fault after all, she couldn’t know… You looked around and realised that all other women in the room had children already or were pregnant. Except for you and Eva but she didn’t count since she didn’t want to become a mother anyway.

But the worst hadn’t happened yet.

“Now it’s (Y/N)’s turn,” Nancy smiled at you and you put the cup down with a shaky hand.

“Stop pushing her,” Eva reacted immediately.

“Don’t be like this, Eva. You hope she will never be a mother so you won’t be alone in this,” Nancy’s sister, Hannah, snapped at her.

“We don’t really think about having children, Buck and I,” you smiled nervously and the women looked at each other.

“My husband didn’t want them either but I convinced him,” Janis grinned at you, thinking that her words were in any way helpful.

“We just don’t…” you started and your voice broke. Eva jumped in the conversation quickly.

“Stop pushing her!” She insisted angrily.

“I’m only saying, he can wait but she cannot,” Nancy shrugged her arms.

You didn’t want to make a scene and leave after that so you only pretended to be more interested with the piece of cake on your plate although swallowing it was extremely difficult with a gulp in your throat. You waited about half an hour before nodding at Eva discreetly.

“It’s time for us,” she stood up and grabbed her purse. “I promised Buck to take her back home by eight.”

“These officers, they are all about discipline,” you chuckled while excusing yourself and picked your purse up as well. “Can’t have my Major waiting too long.”

You left the house as fast as possible and waited for Eva by her car.

“I’m sorry, darling,” she told you when she finally joined you. “I had no idea.”

“Let’s not… Let’s not talk about it, alright?” You sniffed back the tears and she nodded, furrowing her eyebrows at you but respecting your wish to stay silent.

In fact, you both remained silent for the whole ride home and she only kissed your cheek when she parked by your lawn and you jumped out of the car to go back inside and hide from the world.

Buck was in the living room, crouching down next to the TV set with a screwdriver in his hand as he worked on some adjustments. You smiled through the tears and leaned on the wall, shyly.

“You’re back already?” He mumbled without looking up.

“Yeah, it was no fun,” you answered. “What are you on about again, Buck?”

“The signal keeps being bad, I can fix that, I think,” he explained.

“Just don’t hurt yourself and, most importantly, don’t break the TV,” you sighed, trying to be in a playful and teasing mood but it was difficult, especially while seeing him – the man you loved… whom you couldn’t give a child.

You burst into tears all of sudden and Buck looked up, worryingly.

“Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” He put the screwdriver down and approached you as quickly as possible to put his hands on your shoulders.

“Nancy… She… She’s pregnant,” you told him and he sighed before pulling you closer and pressing your face to his chest.

“I’m sorry, darling…” He rubbed your back, not knowing what to say.

“And she asked about us not having a baby of our own…” You tugged on his shirt.

“That is none of that woman’s business why we don’t have a baby of our own,” you heard Buck’s voice getting more stern and angry.

“I know… I told her we don’t want babies… I didn’t know what else to say…” You explained.

“It’s alright,” he shushed you and kissed the top of your head.

“No, it’s not…” You looked up with your wet eyes and makeup running down your face. You could see the pain on his face from witnessing you this way and you hated to bring him sadness, too, but you couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. “She said you have time but I am running out of it.”

Buck’s jaw clenched at the words. He hated when anyone was hurting you either with words or actions – no matter if it was a man or woman.

“Nancy’s never been a bright girl, you know that, baby?” He cupped your wet cheeks and leaned in closer to your face. You nodded, unsurely. “Girls like her only care about keeping a husband at home and showing off in town.”

“But I care about keeping a husband, too,” you gasped.

Buck sighed and shook his head, looking for the right words.

“Come here, baby,” he lowered his hands to hold yours as he led you on the sofa and sat you on his lap. You threw your arms around his neck and he pulled you closer by your hip and thigh. “How many times do I have to tell you, sweetheart, that you’re all I want? Only you,” he pecked your lips softly. “You make me the happiest already. Having a baby with you would be only an addition, it’s already perfect the way it is. If we have a baby, I’ll be happy. But if we don’t, I’ll be just as much satisfied,” he explained to you. “And I won’t let anyone say bad things about my beautiful and wonderful wife.”

“Buck…” Your lower lips trembled. “It brings me comfort to know you don’t really care about it but…”

“It’s not that I don’t care. Don’t say that,” he interrupted you. “I care.”

“I know, I’m sorry… But I want this baby. I want to have a baby with you more than anything in the world. I am glad you’ll be as happy without it but I don’t think I will be…” You looked down, ashamed of your confession.

Buck stayed silent for a while, caressing you and keeping you close as he rested his chin on your head and sighed.

“I know, my sweet girl, you just want a baby to love and take care of, right?”

“Yes…” You nodded. “And… And I hate how jealous I get when I see other women with babies or being pregnant. It brings the worst out of me and I don’t like this version of me.”

“Shh, hey, love, there are lots of babies out there who want a mummy to love them and take care of them just as much, you know?” He asked in a soft whisper and you looked up at him.

“What are you suggesting? That we should adopt?” You raised an eyebrow at him.

“Only if you want to,” he nodded and raised his hand to caress your head gently. “I want you to be happy, darling. That’s all I want, nothing else. I hate to see you so sad all the time,” he confessed and smiled sadly.

“It would be lovely to adopt a baby but I’m scared it won’t be the same… Because I want to have your baby, Gale… Ours,” you fixed yourself.

“You know that I’d do everything to make your dream come true, I really would. But some things… They’re just impossible to happen sometimes, you know that, baby?” Buck kissed your forehead. “We can keep trying and trying but it kills me to see you getting even sadder each time it happens.”

You only hummed to yourself and squeezed him tighter. A decision to adopt a baby couldn’t be made in the heat of the moment, you had to think about it more thoroughly. But your husband had a point. You also hated to make him worried so much about you and the fact that he himself would be as happy without having a child with you was bringing you lots of comfort. It would be way worse if he wanted this baby more than anything else.

“I have to heal after the recent loss first,” you whispered to him after a while, “and then we’ll talk about it again, how about that?”

“Sounds about right,” Buck caressed your cheeks with his thumbs and leaned in to place a soft kiss on your lips.

MASTERLIST || BUCK MASTERLIST

[psychedelic-ink]

𝐒𝐮𝐢 𝐆𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬 - 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐈𝐧 𝐁𝐞𝐝

pairing: pre outbreak!joel miller x f!reader, one sided tommy miller x f!reader

genre: angst, smut, romance, slow burn, mutual pining, secret relationship

series summary: After your grandfather’s passing, you find yourself moving into his home in Texas. You meet the Millers; Tommy, his older brother Joel and his daughter Sarah. With time, you and Tommy become close friends and Sarah visits you often. But Joel…Joel keeps his distance. The reason for this is due to one crucial fact you don’t know but he does; Tommy has a crush on you. Which means you’re off limits no matter what. But as your own feelings for Joel grow, things start to get more and more complicated.

word count: 6.1k

chapter summary: you and joel take your relationship to the next level.

warnings: themes of grief and loneliness, hurt/comfort, fluff, body painting, joel being a very lousy nude model, oral (male receiving), heavy petting, fingering, shower sex, edging, dirty talking

a/n: aaaaand we're BACK-- the hiatus is officially over and I am so ready to focus on this series. I've missed them so much and I hope you guys all did too 💗 also special thanks to @undercoverpena for cheering me on while I was writing this, love you to the moon and back bby xx

Chapter Eleven || Chapter Thirteen

Loneliness had never been a stranger to you. You had your own brand of it, like a homemade fig preserve. Being so close with it, you’ve added something from yourself, and in return, it has branded your personality in such a way that it has become hard to think there was anything but. 

For the longest time that special brand of loneliness had been your closest friend. During adulthood, you noticed how tired you were of asking for people to be emotionally aware of your needs, your wants. You were tired of spelling it out for them. Your parents weren’t like you, neither was Auggie. No one around you was emotional like you were, so you learned to keep it locked tight in your heart. You cried at night. You smiled during the day. You felt off and weird when family members hugged you and wept on your shoulder, you dissociated. You’ve noticed this, especially at your grandfather’s funeral. He was gone and you hadn’t shed a tear among the dark black fabrics. 

Auggie knew you did this, but alas, it didn’t really matter. 

So when you found a family emotionally rich despite not having much, it came as a mild shock to you. Sarah didn’t have these issues. She didn’t care if she was emotional or not, or if what she said came off as needy. The only emotional constipation you noticed was between brothers, but even that didn’t stop them from addressing what they felt during an argument. 

You were no stranger to emotional outbursts. Reading a book and eyes welling before you could finish a sentence. 

Now, you feel less lonely thanks to Joel, Tommy, and Sarah, each filling a different gap in your withered soul. But even that doesn’t stop the old habit of sewing your mouth shut. 

You wake with a heavy weight on your chest. It’s still dark, the sky a dark shade of royal blue. It’s actually a beautiful night. However, your eyes are blind to it. Your skin is damp with sweat. If you saw a nightmare, you don’t remember what it was. You remember going to bed uncomfortable, Tommy’s sad eyes branded into your lids like tattoos you both want to and don’t want to get rid of. 

You gradually rise from the bed, the thin summer quilt sliding off your now cold body. You shudder. It had been a long time since you last felt this way. Empty and lonely. It always feels like you have to suffer through these emotions on your own, your need to smile through it more prominent than anything else. 

You smack your lips together, your tongue sticking to the roof of your mouth. You need water. Ice cold water. 

Going down the stairs you don’t think how dark it is, or how some particular shadows remind you of your childhood when you would wake up thanks to the jarring sound of mosquitos, looking for comfort downstairs where your grandparents were usually up. Fuck, your chest is even heavier now. The muscle in your chest more like a cannonball than heart. You’re hyper-aware of the way your chest rises and falls with every breath and quickly, you make your way to the kitchen. 

The light of the fridge momentarily blinds you but despite your burning irises you manage to wrap your fingers around the familiar handle of the old jug. You pour yourself a big glass and take small swallows.

A soft wind caresses the outer skeleton of the house. The shadows of leaves dance over the walls, again, a familiar sight that drags you back and makes you sick simultaneously. 

“You a’right there, sweetheart?” 

You jump at the sound of a voice deepened with sleep. Tommy is staring at you from the entrance, brows furrowed, the crease between them so much like his brother. Taking another small sip of water, you swallow and place the cold glass on the counter. 

“I’m fine,” you grit out, your voice leveled. “I’m sorry if I woke you up.” 

Before you know it, Tommy’s warm hands are on your face, cradling your cheeks. His thumbs move over your cheekbones, pressing and applying pressure over the bone. Your heart skips a beat. It takes you everything not to lean into his touch, to seek out that comfort only he could give. But you think of Joel, you think of him, and you stop yourself. If Tommy knew about you and Joel, if you were completely honest with him—an open book, you would’ve taken that comfort to yourself, not a worry in your heart but he doesn’t know and that alone makes your stomach clench with guilt. 

“You don’t look fine,” his hands slide down to your shoulders. “Was it a nightmare?” 

You blink heavily, your eyes locked on one another. Two broken people in a dark kitchen. It pains you that a nightmare is Tommy’s first guess. You wonder how many times he’d woken up to the faux scent of gunpowder and screams only to be comforted by the darkness of the ceiling. 

“Something like that. I. . sometimes forget that they’re gone,” your eyes drop to his chest. “And then I remember that no matter what, in the end, I’ll be lonely.” 

“Lonely?” he spits out the word, shocked, hurt and baffled. “What are you talkin’ about? You have Joel—You have me.” 

You know you do. You really do. But after years of going through it all alone, to see your friends have their own support systems and people to protect them, care for them, it’s hard to believe you’ve found your people. It’s hard to believe that years of solitude where you had to take care of yourself was over. Old habits die hard. Your heart shatters piece by piece. Your heart nothing but a heavy weight in your chest. You want to collapse, to scream, shout and cry. Salty tears sting the corner of your eyes. Suddenly you’re drowning in your past like it’s still your present, the thickness of it goes all the way up to your neck and you can’t breathe— 

“Hey—hey,” Tommy cups your cheeks, thumbs running down where tears would be but your skin is dry. “Come back to me, it’s a’right. I’ll always be with you, you know? Even if you move far away, I’ll always be a thorn in your ass.” 

You crack a smile and manage to nod, placing a hand over his own. You think a tear finally falls, maybe even two. You hate feeling like this. Hate it. Tommy doesn’t look convinced by your expression. 

“Do. . .do you want me to call Joel?” 

His words freeze you to the bone. Of course, he would ask that—Tommy Miller, always thoughtful, always putting others first. They both do. You even think to some extent Sarah does the same thing. All of them throwing themselves in front of a moving train in different ways. 

You don’t know if he’s noticed something. Or if he just thinks that Joel’s presence would be more soothing, since he’s used to relying on his older brother. 

Either way, you want him to know that he’s enough. 

And he’ll always be enough. 

You shake your head, “No,” he furrows his brows when you part your arms. “But I wouldn’t say no to a hug.” 

Strong arms sneak under your armpits and broad palms press against your back. Tommy pulls you incredibly close. Holds you indescribably tight. His scent fills your lungs. A bit of sweat mixed with a day-old deodorant. He smells nice. He always had. His skin is warm against your cheek and you smile widely this time but he doesn’t see. 

“Thank you, Tommy,” you whisper into the darkness. “I would be lost without you.” 

“Are you sure you’re a’right?” 

“Yes, Joel.” 

“Hundred percent sure?” 

“Yes, sir,” you declare, your gaze fixed on Joel as you peer from the side of the canvas for a better look. “Now stand still.” 

Joel grumbles something inaudible and straightens his neck, attempting to keep his limbs as still as possible. Your eyes rove across his broad shoulders, the expanse of his chest, you take in the shadows that appear between every sinewy muscle and think about how to convey it into your painting. You still haven’t dared to look further down. Looking down means that you’ll definitely be distracted. 

You sketch a couple of lines that vaguely resemble his shape. You’ve missed painting nudes and when you mentioned it to Joel, he was eager to accept without actually realizing he had to stay still for a generous amount of time. 

“You should’ve called,” he grumbles. “I would’ve come straight over.” 

“I know,” you sigh. “But it was late, and Tommy was there.” 

He doesn’t say anything but you can sense his displease. 

“He’s my friend, Joel,” you answer, observing the thick contour of his neck. “And your brother.” 

“I know that. I just don’t like the idea of not being there for you.” 

“Tell him then,” you say a bit harshly. He doesn’t seem affected by your shift in tone. Another line joins the others. “If it was anything serious I would’ve called, hell, I would’ve come to you but it wasn’t that serious. I was just in a. . . mood.” 

“Tommy sure don’t think so.” 

You don’t say anything and focus on drawing the rest of his torso, he clicks his tongue in frustration, “I hate when you do this, you know.” 

You raise your eyebrows, “Do what?” 

“Downgrade your problems. It’s okay if you’re still grievin’. It’s okay if there are some things you’re still workin’ out. I just don’t want you to think you’re alone, I can be your rock, sweetheart. I’d be happy to.” 

“You are my rock, Joel—and keep still.” He huffs and straightens again, your lips twitching into a smile. “I’ll try to open up more. Promise. I do feel really lucky I have you. And Sarah—and Tommy. Some nights I just wake up feeling bad. Yesterday was just a bit more intense.” Joel grunts in approval and you add. “Also hasn’t Tommy heard of the phrase ‘snitches get stitches’?” 

“He wasn’t snitchin’,” he pouts, you want to take his bottom lip between your fingers and kiss him. “I actually asked how he was doin’ but he quickly brushed it off and told me about you instead.” 

“Of course, he did.” 

He nods but still seems wound up like a toy. His head drops a bit, the click of your tongue reminding him to keep still. 

Your eyes trace the contours of Joel’s body. He’s an excellent specimen, everything about him so human, so raw. Every freckle, every crinkle you want to eternalize onto your canvas. He’s not looking at you anymore. Eyes glued to the legs of the easel. You still haven’t fully taken in the sight of him. Sometimes you’re truly afraid of how strongly you feel for him, how much you’d be willing to lay down just to be with him. 

Honestly, a pocket of time would be ideal. That way you could spend eternity in this peaceful moment, living in bliss. 

You place the pencil down and walk up to him. His gaze is drawn to your once more, “Sorry, sweet tea, did I move again?” 

“Maybe a bit,” you lie, standing an inch away from his naked body. You press your thumbs against his cheekbones then slide them down, feeling the roughness of hair tickling your skin. His eyes flutter shut momentarily, before opening again. 

You don’t say a word. Time is still around you and you believe if you try hard enough this can be your forever. You trace the outer lines of his lips, then trace the seam. His lips part, a bit of tongue showing in between—you touch that too, shallowly dipping one finger before moving on to his neck, “To draw is to feel,” you muster, the ball of your thumb grazing firmly over his Adam’s apple. “Will you let me feel you?” 

“‘Course,” he chokes out. “Whatever you need.” 

His words make your chest swell with affection. Joel’s words make you feel brave enough to allow your gaze to venture down. You press the flat of your palms over the swell of his stomach, something trembles within—life, you think, he’s so full of it. Your one hand dares to go lower, playing with the dark curls that lead to his soft cock. 

However, he doesn’t remain soft for long, it twitches and grows, the head gaining a reddish hue. 

Joel tilts his head, gradually leaning in to claim your lips with his own. He stops when your fingers bite into his bare hips, lodging into that delicate spot between bone and muscle, he swallows thickly, cock raising with attention. 

“Stay still,” you whisper. “And maybe I’ll reward you.” 

“Oh, we’re playing that game now?” he says with a crooked smile that makes your stomach twist delightfully. You only smile as your hand slides lower and lower, until you cup his semi-hard cock. His breath hitches. 

I love you like this, you want to say but remain silent. You stroke him slowly until he’s fully hard, the warm muscle throbbing in your palm, you press your lips against his neck, sucking on his skin until his hips jerk. 

“I’m not playing any games,” you mouth into his skin. “If you let me paint you, I’ll let you fuck my mouth. Does that sound like a fair deal?” 

Joel thrusts into your hand once more, groaning as you lick the vein that throbs under his skin, “I won’t lie, sweetheart, that might be hard if you keep your hand where it is.” He exhales a shaky breath, the warmth of it fanning your skin. “But sounds fair enough, I’ll try.” 

You press a quick kiss to the small patch within his beard and pull away before he can follow the heat of your lips. He’s as still as a statue when you get behind the canvas, but instead of resuming sketching the rough outline of his body, you grab two tubes of paint and a brush; though you have your doubts you’ll be using the tool, you’d much prefer to feel the heat of his skin softening the paint between your fingers. 

When you come back to him, confusion crosses his face. 

“I thought you were gonna be paintin’?” 

Your lips twitch into a sinister smile, “I am.” 

As cliche as it might sound, Joel has always reminded you of a deep, rich shade of red—the color of blood—but he also reminds you of an earthy purple, the type of shade that makes you want to bury your fingers in it as if you might actually feel the earth itself.  

You shake two tubes of paint in front of his eyes. He’s still confused, yet remains still. You pop the red paint open first, squeezing a generous amount over his shoulder. You watch it trickle down, drops of crimson staining his torso, the color so deep that it looks too real. Your heart jumping, you quickly smear it down his chest and all the way to his stomach. Just like you predicted, the brush is forgotten, slipping from your fingers and onto the carpeted floor. Joel shudders, his breath caught in his throat, you see him clench his jaw. 

“Darlin’. . .” he rasps, voice full of gravel, and your hand stops where it follows the V of his lower abdomen.

“Do you want me to stop?” 

“No,” he answers quickly, breathily. “Don’t ever stop touching me. Don’t ever stop looking at me like that—like I’m the most valuable thing you have. Like I’m worth a damn.” 

“You are.” 

Slowly, your fingertip traces an invisible path upward, leaving a trail of red paint in its wake. Joel shudders and gulps loudly. You draw meaningless shapes, circle where his tattoo is, and draw shapes of ancient alphabets you vaguely remember from when you read a book about the Late Bronze Age. Joel shudders, twitches, and tenses under your touch but never actually moves, keeping his stance. 

After the red pigment is nothing more but a fading shade of pink, you pour some purple paint into your palm and apply it directly. You press your hand directly above his heart, leaving your handprint over it before moving to his back, “Fuck,” he groans. 

Looking down, you notice him clenching his buttocks and slightly swaying forward, you smile, his cock must be dripping. You can’t wait to take him in your mouth, for him to use you however he pleases. You need him to be desperate when he takes you, sliding his length down your throat as he berates you for taunting him with sinful touches in the guise of making art. 

You press your hands together and smear the remnants of red with the purple, the fresh paint overwhelming the other. When both hands are fully coated, your cup both his ass cheeks, sliding your hands up, you kiss the taut skin between his shoulder blades. You leave a trail of open-mouthed kisses all the way to his neck and lick the sensitive spot behind his earlobe. 

“I’d wrap my hand around your cock but I’m afraid the paint isn’t edible so you wouldn’t be able to fuck my mouth,” you tease. “Tell me what you want to do to me, Joel?” 

He groans, “Keep this up and you’ll find out, sweetheart. I’m not a patient man, you should know.” 

“But isn’t the wait fun?” you challenge, your hands sliding up to his front, right above his pelvis. “The taste of sex on your tongue, the way your cock throbs with the thought of my warm cunt tight around it? Don’t you feel that tingle. . .” you gradually lower yourself, dragging your tongue down his spine, a choked out sound rips from his throat, “going down your spine, reminding you of how good it’s finally going to feel when you push down my throat, cutting my airflow and taking me however you want?” 

Joel breathes heavily, his stomach clenching with every whispered word, “Darlin’, please.” 

“Turn around.” 

You look up as he does, you gently take his hand and place it on your cheek, your heart dissolving into something thick and sweet like honey when his thumb strokes your skin. His gaze grows soft, the arousal in them dimming, splitting away like waves to show the emotion. 

“Your knees are gonna hurt,” he says, voice dropping. 

He’s right, they are going to hurt. “I don’t care.” 

You lower both hands to your lap, obediently parting your lips, sticking your tongue out. Joel wraps a hand around his cock and jerks himself until he’s fully hard, he holds you by the hair and drags you closer. 

“You want me to fuck that pretty mouth?” 

“Please,” you repeat his own plea from earlier. 

The heft of his cock on your tongue almost feels like a blessing from above. Your eyes flutter shut. Joel slides himself torturously slow, inch by inch, as he fills your mouth, your lips stretching wide to accommodate his width. He moves down your throat, awakening your gag reflex, you hold it down, choking around his cock. 

“Fuuuuuck, that feels good,” he groans, throwing his head back. With shallow thrusts, he works your throat open. Your one hand slides between your thighs as the other braces against Joel’s thick thigh. Right now, you’re relieved you’re wearing your favorite flannel pajama shorts instead of something uncomfortable like jeans. “That’s it, touch yourself, sweetheart. I want you to come while I’m fuckin’ your throat.” You whine filthily at his words, pressing your fingers between your clothed folds, you stroke your aching clit. Joel doesn’t stop running his mouth. “You must be soaked down there, poor thing.” 

Tears sting the corner of your eyes and you manage to slip your fingers down your shorts. His thrusts become rougher, sliding all the way out before fucking himself even deeper into your mouth, down your throat. You swallow helplessly around him and the groan that slips from between his lips forces the clench of your cunt, you breathe heavily through your nose and draw vicious circles around your clit. 

“Look at you—you like me fuckin’ your mouth, honey?” You nod, his lips curling in the most devastating way. “You gonna come while rubbing that pretty pussy of yours?” 

You nod again, this time accompanied by a moan. The reverberations of the sound trembles against his sensitive cock and he rocks into your mouth harder—this time tears do slip past your fluttering lashes. You can’t breathe, your vision is blurry, yet this is everything you’ve ever wanted. Your heart feels so full, so content. He fucks every thought out of your head, overwhelming your senses.  

“Shit, shit, shit—Don’t look like that, sweetheart, don’t cry, if you do I—I’ll—” Spit trickles down the corner of your lips, everything a wet, sopping mess. With every thrust, he manages to go down your throat, his mouth constantly muttering words you can barely hear. More tears flow freely down your cheeks, mixing with the saliva and precome going down your neck. His hips move in a constant stammering motion, balls heavy on your chin as he snaps shallowly into your throat without pulling back. 

You look up to him. Your eyes shining and glimmering, Joel meets your gaze, his eyes going wide, hips stilling—

He spills down your throat, hard. 

You swallow, swallow, and swallow, gulping everything that he gives. But it’s still not enough, there’s too much, some of it spilling from the sides from where his cock stretches your lips. Your body jerks, your fingers move slowly around your clit and you press harder, your feel the warm slick dripping down your fingers, making a mess of the rug underneath. 

“Sorry, sorry—” Joel mutters over and over again almost like a chant. His voice hoarse as his chest raises with quick shallow breaths. He then lets out a deep exhale, his cock throbbing in your mouth as he pulls out. “I wanted to last longer.” 

You kiss the tip of his spent cock, “Come here,” you mumble and he quickly drops down, you take his hand, pulling it between your legs. His eyes snap to yours, pupils eating away the color as he presses two fingers into your soaked cunt. Your eyes roll and your hips immediately grind down. “I came too. I came from you fucking my mouth, Joel. That’s how good it felt. You don’t need to apologize.” 

“Fuck, you’re really makin’ it hard to stay soft darlin’.” You smile as you cup his flaccid cock, feeling the weight of it in your palm, he hisses. “You’re gonna pay for teasin’ me, neighbor. ‘Should take you on my fuckin’ knee as punishment.” 

A fresh gush of wetness spreads around his fingers, “I think I would like that,” you say, kissing his neck. “But now I think I should actually finish sketching you for my painting.” 

“I don’t think I have much strength left in my legs,” he says with a chuckle. 

“Who said anything about standing?” you stand up, taking him with you. “I’m going to paint something else and for that, I want you on the bed.” 

You hadn't realized how much paint you managed to cover yourself in when you were pouring purple and red down Joel's shoulders.

He actually managed quite well when you asked him to lay on the bed instead of standing, and you’re fairly certain he dozed off for a moment or two. You didn’t mind. You loved how the painting had ended up, a sensual silhouette of a working man sleeping with sun cascading down his skin. 

“Surprise surprise, pourin’ paint on me got you dirty too,” Joel coos playfully, following you into the dimly lit bathroom. He stuffs your bedsheets into the washing machine, your eyes catch the smear of red and purple paint. “Want us to take a shower beautiful? We still have time until Sarah comes back from school.” 

“Someone’s cheerful now that they’ve taken their nap.” Joel holds you by the waist and pulls you close, unlike him, you’re still fully clothed—dirty, but clothed. His cock presses against the swell of your stomach. 

“I’m mighty tired of bein’ the only one bearin’ my naked ass,” he tugs off your shirt, the motion so quick that your protest dissolves on your tongue before it can materialize. “Also you owe me a nice back scrub with all those fancy soaps you have.” 

“I thought I paid my depth when you came down my throat.” 

“I don’t recall sayin’ exactly how much you owed me for this.” 

Your lips split into a grin. Without moving away, you bend over and slip out of your shorts, throwing them towards the washing machine. The flickering lustful specks in his eyes make your heart jump, they look like gold. Despite coming down your throat about forty minutes ago, he still wants you. He’s not tired of spending time with you, talking to you, humoring you in your endeavors— he’s not even mildly annoyed, which is something you thought everyone would feel eventually if they spent enough time with you. It was only a matter of when. 

You suddenly slap your palms softly against his cheeks, cradling his scruffy cheeks. His eyes rip away from your naked body to meet your gaze. You take in a slow breath. And out. Your heart rams painfully within your chest. Joel’s eyes widen slightly as he takes in your expression, observing you slowly as if he’s tasting what you’re feeling like aged wine. His fingers slither around your wrist and sliver down your forearms. 

“Darlin’?” 

“I love you, Joel.” 

His lips part, not with surprise, but with relief. You’re smiling giddily now, not a feeling of worry in your bones, just happiness, eagerness. You don’t care if it’s too early. Too late. It’s what you feel. And all you feel is love love love. 

“I love you too, Tea.” 

Joel brings your palm to his lips and kisses the curve of it slowly, he moves up to the middle, his mustache tickling you when he lays another kiss, “I love you so fuckin’ much.” 

You close the distance, slanting your lips together, you drink him. His lips move to the beat of the moment, tickling down tenderly and smoothly like molasses. Joel’s tongue traces the seam of your lips and you open up for him. He tastes you quickly before pulling back. He exhales deeply, his breath fanning your swollen lips. 

“Let’s get cleaned up.” 

You grin, raising an eyebrow, “So you can get me dirty again?” 

“Somethin’ like that,” he huffs. 

Joel leads you to the tub, acting as if you’re his guest and not the other way around. He turns on the shower, allows the water to run down his fingers until the temperature is just right, and then carefully helps you step in. You moan happily at the way warm water moves down your skin, softening your body and chipping away at the paint. Joel stands right behind you. You want to turn around, clean him of the colorful mess, but he doesn’t budge. His hands touch your shoulders, then skims down. 

“You first,” he murmurs, fingers washing away the paint. You lean back. His hands follow a trail to your front, kneading your breasts. 

“I don’t have any paint there,” you hum. 

“My bad, these eyes aren’t what they used to be.” 

He gives them another squeeze before going lower and lower. . .  until he’s pushing his hand between your pressed tighs. You laugh, “I definitely don’t have any paint there.” 

His teeth suddenly sink into your shoulder. The blossoming pain makes you gasp and your body reacts by bending over, rolling your hips towards him. With a soft growl, Joel grips your hips and pushes you up against the glass panel. You moan with your breasts pressing firmly against the glass, the constant shower of water making you slip. 

Joel’s lips touch your ear, “Gonna fuck you with my fingers,” he rasps. “Want you to come all around them, sweetheart.” 

Your body flushes from the inside out, “What if I can’t?” 

“You don’t have a choice,” he pushes forward, notching his cock between your folds, you whimper. “If you want me to fuck you with this cock, you better show me how desperate you are for it by makin’ a mess, honey.” 

When you don’t answer he grips your neck and forces your head back, he kisses your forehead, “Are you gonna be good for me?” 

Your stomach bottoms out, “Y—Yes, I’ll be good.” 

He kisses your forehead once more before releasing you. You fall forward with a whimper, bracing your hands against the slippery panels. Joel slides two fingers inside of you with embarrassing ease, “You like it when I’m rough,” he states, thrusting the digits in and out. You nod. “I love you,” he then says, catching you but surprise. You clench around his fingers and he chuckles darkly. “God, you’re gonna make me go insane—I love you—” 

You clench again, a loud moan dropping from your lips. The sounds you make are drowned by the water, yet he can hear you crystal clear. Your body reacts viscerally to his words, a flame that won’t ever go out burning wild in your gut—between your legs. He whispered the words into your skin, into your mouth, against your tongue. You push against his fingers, urging him to go deeper. He does. He holds you by the neck while fucking you with thick fingers, you cry out his name, whimpering those three little words that make him go inside just as much as it does to you. 

“Come for me,” he grunts. “Come for me so I can fuck you for real.” 

“J–Joel, fuck—” 

Your back arches, your orgasm rips from you, he takes it. It’s violent, earth shattering. 

Your jaw drops as he squeezes your throat lightly, the pressure adding to the intensity. You can vaguely hear him muttering ‘That’s it’ over and over, but you can barely hear the rasp of his voice. 

Joel kisses your cheek, drags his lips down your neck, “How’re you feelin’?” 

“Good. . . great actually.” 

Pulling out his fingers, he pushes them between your lips, you lap at them hungrily. While you’re busy devouring your own taste, Joel buries himself deep in your cunt. You whimper around his fingers, brows furrowing with pleasure. He pulls the digits out and grips your chin. His chest heaves as he pulls almost all the way out before snapping forward again, burying himself into the tight warmth of your pussy. 

“You feel so fuckin’ good,” he mumbles, rocking back and forth. With every thrust, your lungs convulse. You desperately grip his forearm, but your fingers slip thanks to the water droplets that surround his skin, him letting out a sudden chuckle before pulling you towards his mouth. “Sorry, sweetheart, I don’t think I’m gonna last long now either. You make me feel like a teenager again.” 

Throwing your arm back, you tug the damp locks and force your lips together. You lick hungrily into his mouth. Joel moans loudly and you swallow every little sound he makes, your cunt fluttering and clamping around his length. He pounds into you sloppily, no coordination, no calculation—just need. 

To be wanted. To be devoured. What a wonderful feeling it was.  

Joel pulls out with a grunt, you hear the slick sounds of his fist as he jerks himself over the curve of your spine. You shudder when you feel it. Warm spend trickling down your skin, mixing with the water. He spreads your ass cheeks and pushes them together with his cock between them, he grinds once—twice, before heaving and dropping his head between your shoulder blades. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles, but you hear no regret behind the apology. It makes you glad. 

“Don’t be,” you turn and pick up the shower head, holding it right over his shoulders, you wipe the remaining paint away. Your stomach growls in protest, your lips twitch into a crooked smile. “God, all that worked an appetite. I’m starving.” 

“Want me to cook you somethin’?” 

Spraying the water over his other shoulder, you meet his gaze. He’s so sweet like this. His hair wet, curling at the ends. His body finally relaxed. You can’t help yourself and quickly press your lips into the corner of his jaw. 

“I have a watermelon in the fridge, you can cut that up for me.” 

“‘Course, darlin’. Anythin’ for you.” 

Crickets chirp loudly. The wind pleasant, yet a bit too warm for your liking. You fan yourself with a hand as you lean back into the chair. Despite just taking a shower, you’re nearly dry. Summer is definitely not a good season for you. 

“Should I be offended you look so miserable right now?” Joel asks, sitting next to you. He bites into one of the watermelon slices and when a drop of sweet nectar escapes, he makes quick work of licking himself clean. You swallow, your insides pulsing. 

“No,” you sigh. “I just don’t like the heat very much.” 

“Well. . that might be a problem considering summer is basically here.” 

You groan and throw your head back, “Don’t remind me.” 

“Here,” he says, extending you a slice. “Eat.” 

You take the slice without objection, biting into the fleshy fruit. The cold juice of the watermelon feels good as it goes down your throat. You look over to the lawn, thanks to the heat most things have dried out. 

“I helped him a lot you know,” Joel says, his voice soft, as if afraid to spook you. “With the garden that is. He talked a lot about you.” 

“Did he now?” you muse, you chew the watermelon thoughtfully. Your eyes are glued to one of the butterflies in search of a flower. “I miss him.” 

“I know you do, sweetheart. I know. I wish I could ease your paint, but truthfully I have no idea how to do that.” 

“You do enough,” smiling, you turn to him and find that he’s already looking at you. “The silver lining is that I met you.” 

He parts his lips, eyes glossed over with emotion but before he can, both of you hear small steps approaching at the same time. 

“Oh, watermelon,” Sarah chirps, throwing her backpack to the floor. “Don’t mind if I do.” 

She takes a slice and sits down, eyes flitting between you and Joel. You try not to look at Joel then, your heart beating a bit too loudly for your liking. Sarah raises an eyebrow and locks her eyes with Joel, their expressions are similar when they’re about to wreak havoc. 

“What?” Joel snaps, angrily sinking his teeth into his watermelon, finishing it off. Both you and Sarah laugh, your heart feeling a bit lighter now. 

“Oh, nothin’,” Sarah rolls her tongue, mimicking her dad. “What have you two been up to?” 

“Your dad was helping me with the kitchen sink,” you answer quickly. “It’s been leaking all morning.” 

“If my dad is good at anything, it’s fixing stuff.” 

“I’m good at a lot of things,” Joel grumbles. 

“How was school?” you ask. 

Sarah’s shoulders fall a bit, but she quickly shakes it off and smiles, “It was good, nothing interesting happened.” 

You raise an eyebrow but don’t pry. Joel doesn’t seem to notice Sarah’s mood change. “We should better head off,” he says.

“But I’m still eating,” Sarah whines. “Can’t we stay a bit longer?” 

“We don’t wanna overstay our welcome.” 

You almost laugh at such an absurd thing. Him, overstaying his welcome? Never. But you also understand why he does it. Sarah is smart and by the looks she was giving you and him, she’s probably already suspicious. 

“You guys should take half of it,” you say, standing up. “I’m only one person anyway. If I eat this much watermelon I’ll end up growing one inside of me.” 

Both of them look at you deadpanned, you laugh, “You both have no humor!” 

Sarah turns to Joel, “Dad, I think you might wanna check if her water is laced with something.” 

“I think you’re right, baby girl,” Joel nods seriously. “There’s no other reason she would find that funny.” 

“If you guys keep that up I’m not giving you squat.” 

“Yes, ma’am. Sorry, ma’am,” they say at the same time. 

You shake your head, snorting at the father and daughter duo. Both of them were ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. 

However, you can’t seem to stop smiling as you head inside to get them a container to put the slices into. 

[aois-amaterasu-painting]

Ruki (on X):

From January to July, so many things have happened.

Amidst the whirlwind of days, I questioned what is right and what is normal? While swaying between emotions and reason, I was constantly making various choices, and desperately running through each day.

In such times, I was supported solely by everyone's concerned voices and the words "I love you."

Thank you always.

And although it's been a while, I wrote on Instagram. I hope this reaches everyone who loves me. ✉️

It's been about two months since my last post.

Seeing the closet still filled with winter clothes, I realized that this year, for me, there was no spring. Time stopped in winter, and then summer came.

I noticed that I had been putting off such a basic thing as living, and I finally did a long-overdue wardrobe change the other day.

Life is built on daily choices, an accumulation of decisions.

Only you can decide if those choices and your life are right or wrong.

The responsibility for your life is yours and yours alone.

I feel that trying to conform to the standards of "normal" for others will only make you feel more miserable when you are going through a tough time.

It's the same for everything; it's okay not to be "normal" as measured by someone else's standards.

No matter the relationship, I believe it's impossible to fully understand all of someone's inner struggles and pain. Fans' pain and our pain, human wounds vary from person to person.

Therefore, the way and speed at which wounds heal also vary for each person. The way you accept things too. It's okay if it's not the same.

Because the heart is a place that cannot be seen from the outside, others can't understand those wounds, and in fact, even we ourselves cannot measure how deep our wounds are.

Everyone, might be forcing a smile on the outside, and when they come home, no one sees the emptiness they are feeling, and they probably don't want to show it to anyone.

The way I've spent my days, I was told, wasn't very human-like, but I think that's okay.

Now, rather than sadness, I feel loneliness.

Because I am human, I know that I will meet them again someday.

So, thinking that way, I am accepting it now.

Although I feel lonely without Koron and Reita, for now, goodbye. This reminded me of when I wrote the lyrics for QUIET.

And when the day comes that we can meet again, I want to live in a way that I'll be told, "You lived a good life."

In reality, there are four of us now, but not as a mere illusion; another face is vividly present in my mind.

So, the feeling of being five members is not a lie. That will surely be forever.

After thinking about it all, I've come to the conclusion that I need to start living each day in a way that will leave a lot of proof that I lived.

I want to create music and things with more love than ever before.

Although my core approach to making music hasn't changed, what I feel I want to draw and leave behind now has changed significantly.

I want to cherish every moment, even the most ordinary ones, like taking pictures of everyday life, going to different places and feeling the scenery, the smells, all the things that I can only feel at that moment.

And if you're feeling overwhelmed right now, I think it’s okay to put everything on hold and take a break without overthinking it. It’s okay to stop pushing yourself for a while.

If I hadn’t taken a step back, I wouldn't have reached this mindset.

Then, bit by bit, listen to music you love, visit places that bring you joy, and heal your heart.

I'm gradually doing that myself too.

I hope everyone can find their own way of healing.

And if this band, the GazettE, can become something that saves or heals even just one person, I will overcome anything.

To me, everyone who waits for us is my reason for living.

The only place where you can let out everything you can't express in daily life, I believe, is at live concerts.

So, I hope we can share that extraordinary space where we can shout and make noise together as much as possible.

I've said it before, but there will be more opportunities to meet from now on. Or rather, I will make them.

I want to increase the time I can enjoy with everyone who loves me, so please wait for it.

Next is Toyosu PIT announcement, so please check it out.

Thank you for reading such a long post. I'll write again

2024.07.18

[airbender-dacyon]

Benlynn Parallels & Analysis

Alright, so this is by no means an exhaustive list, just what I am able to recall right now, but here's some of the Ben & Brooklynn parallels I noticed from Season 1 of Chaos Theory, as well as a few under the cut that are speculation based on trailers and promos from Season 2 (so spoiler warning for those). And I ended up doing more analysis on this than I intended, whoops.

Apologies for the long post, but I wanted to keep any spoilers under the cut and this ended up being much longer than I planned. I also apologize because it's been a minute since I've been able to watch Camp Cretaceous in its entirety and a bit since I last watched S1 of Chaos Theory so I hope my memory is right on most of this.

Also, this is meant to just be a fun post. It is a ship post, but I also acknowledge that the parallels likely don't mean anything beyond they're friends with shared interests/similar traits (if they even mean that).

Dark Jurassic Nerds

"What about that website I showed you?" "OMG. Dark Jurassic? Yes. Amazing." "Isn't it?"

Ben, in a surprising twist to me, was the one to discover Dark Jurassic. When Camp Cretaceous ended, I wouldn't have guessed he would be the one to become invested in a social media site. I will say that it makes sense that Brooklynn, having grown up as a social media influencer, was staying away from social media more after the Nublar Six returned home and that she didn't come across Dark Jurassic sooner. Regardless, the pair are both heavily invested in the website, though Brooklynn seems to have vetted the theories more than Ben, given her interaction with Yaz:

So it seems like Ben had a habit of sending a lot of stuff he found interesting her way, but only a few things, like the Dino Immersion Therapy, Brooklynn found to be legit.

2. "Okay, at first, I was like, ugh. But this view!"

I still think it is surprising that between Ben's flashback and Kenji's flashback, Brooklynn expresses more excitement over the view of a pretty ordinary skyline from the rooftop of a college dormitory that Ben shows her during her surprise visit than she does the bioluminescent Parasaurolophus at sunset amidst cliffs and a waterfall that her boyfriend of 5+ years had planned as a big romantic gesture.

We don't know the exact date when Brooklynn visited Ben at college, so I fully admit that probably plays a big part in the difference in Brooklynn's reaction. Since this is shortly after Ben introduced Brooklynn to Dark Jurassic and we know that 1) Brooklynn visited Yaz 14 months before the start of Season 1 and 2) Kenji broke up with Brooklynn shortly before (at least a few weeks, I believe) her apparent death roughly 6 months before S1, the Benlynn flashback takes place at least 14 months before S1, probably even earlier than that. Heck, it might be 18-24 months before S1. So, obviously Brooklynn is in a much healthier headspace in Ben's flashback whereas she had become obsessed with uncovering the dinosaur trafficking conspiracy by the time of Kenji's flashback, resulting in her indirectly neglecting her relationship with him.

3. Funny Stories, Personal Questions, & Other Shared Interests?

"Uh, yeah. College is great, but sometimes I gotta get outside just to feel like I can breathe." "Weird how it can be so hard to feel normal, now that everything is so... normal." "See those Pteranodons up there?" "Uh-huh." "One of them grabbed a freshman's backpack and took off with it." "No way." "She had to tell her professor that a dinosaur ate her homework." [Brooklynn laughs] "What?" "That's really funny." "Well, not to her. She failed her assignment." [Brooklynn laughs harder] "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry, that's really sad." [Snorts] "That's sad." "The point is, I don't know if there's such a thing as normal anymore." "Yeah."

It hadn't been my intention to quote such a large chunk of the flashback, but I do find it interesting how this interaction between these two played out. Ben & Brooklynn had only a handful of scenes - more accurately, a handful of interactions - together in Camp Cretaceous. And so to see these two alone together and enjoying each other's company was refreshing to see. Again, this isn't a 'they shared a moment together, now they're going to end up together' post. The fact that there was a significant flashback that highlighted how Ben & Brooklynn get along, despite not being one of the other's closest friends within the Nublar Six, was a stellar choice. They could have easily done for Ben what they did with Sammy: a very brief, but still impactful memory/vision of Brooklynn.

But in this scene, it's neat that Ben is telling the story to reassure Brooklynn that 1) even though they've been home safe from Nublar for years now, their experiences will never go away and 2) prehistoric wildlife is out in the world, "normal" doesn't really exist and they shouldn't expect it to. Like on Nublar, they have to adapt to the new dynamic. But, intentionally or not, Ben is also telling the story in a very humorous way, which results in Brooklynn's laughter. And whether you see the moment as shippy or just friends, it was pretty adorable to see Ben making Brooklynn laugh.

The scene on the rooftop also begins in a rather interesting way, as Ben's dialogue starts by announcing the rooftop view is his favorite spot on campus, followed by why he goes there/gets outside. So, presumably, Brooklynn had asked him how college was going. And after the Pteranodon story, Ben does something unique to the flashbacks we've seen in Season 1.

He asks Brooklynn how she's been doing.

"Anyway, how's everything with you? Any cool stories you're working on? Wrongs to be righted? Buried truths to be uncovered?" [Laughs] "Trying. It is hard out there for a reformed "social media influencer turned aspiring investigative journalist."

Now again, I fully recognize this is the easiest catalyst in the flashback to introduce Brooklynn's interest/activity in Dark Jurassic. And I also fully recognize that we haven't seen Darius' flashback with Brooklynn yet and Sammy's vision/memory of Brooklynn is too short to really compare to the other three we've seen so far.

However, in Yaz's flashback, we see Brooklynn is the one helping her with the Dino Immersion Therapy and inquiring about how she's doing, why she's there instead of Sammy, etc. And in Kenji's flashback, we see that he's so excited to share the view he's discovered with Brooklynn. And when she is too distracted (presumably by her mission) to acknowledge the beauty of the moment, Kenji breaks up with her and his dialogue suggests this has been happening for a while.

The video recordings of the earlier Kenlynn date and when the Nublar Six returned home at least give us a glimpse into happier times. But with regards to the flashbacks, while Brooklynn is likely there to check up on her friend (unannounced and strangely late in the evening from the looks of it), Ben's flashback is the only one where the focus seems to be on both characters equally rather than Brooklynn acting in a supporting/secondary role in the scene.

A much smaller parallel, likely unintentional, is that Ben and Brooklynn seem to (almost) have matching outfits in the flashback.

Continuing from that, and acknowledging similar outfits is already a stretch, I guess there is a parallel with music? Kinda?

We see in Brooklynn's video call to Darius that she is wearing what looks like a band/album T-shirt and Ben has become quite the fan of rock music. Some of the concept art for Ben's dorm room also showcased several band posters, if I recall correctly.

So, while not a certainty, it seems they could have also developed a connection through similar music tastes, though this is a fair bit of speculation.

4. Boots

Another parallel that's a stretch, but Ben eating food out of a boot seemed really, really odd when it was introduced. Perhaps out of desperation, maybe he accidentally broke his last bowl or ran out of disposable ones? Who knows. An odd choice, especially with the later Ruby Ropes container conversation being weird enough on its own that the food boot seemed excessive.

But then it was shown that Brooklynn also had an unfortunate boot-related habit, though fortunately nowhere near as disgusting. Kenji trips over one of her boots and comments on it, with Darius also having suffered from the problem:

"She was always leaving these in the middle of the floor. It was so annoying. I was so afraid I was gonna-" "Break your neck?" "Did she do that when she was staying with you after we broke up?" [Chuckles] "I swear she did it just to annoy us."

Again, this one's a big stretch, but it felt like a possibility.

5. A specific set of skills

Or, rather, just one skill. I can't remember if any other members of the Nublar Six ever picked any locks throughout the shows, but Ben having a set of dedicated lock picks was an interesting development. All of the N6 have picked up new skills in the time between CC and CT, but Ben's activities - and this skill in particular - seem to mirror a lot of Brooklynn's.

6. Conspiracy Boards

Again, going back to the fact that Brooklynn was more interested in legitimate stories and credible theories, Ben's board is quite a mess while Brooklynn's is more refined. Ben's looking into all the possibilities, no matter how ridiculous they might be, whereas Brooklynn is focused on (presumably) unraveling the dinosaur trafficking conspiracy and anything else nefarious that might be going on in relation to it.

7. Season 1 Bookends (unused)

I don't want to repost the art without permission and I really want to get the post up today, so credit to Brandon Roberts in this concept art post here. It shows Ben on his laptop in his dorm room.

However, I will provide the description Brandon Roberts gave, as well as the confirmation by Scott Kreamer on the post:

This would have been an interesting parallel and way to bookend the season: opening with Ben on Dark Jurassic getting vague messages and closing out with Ronnie sending vague messages to someone on Dark Jurassic and the reveal that it's Brooklynn.

And only time will tell if there is something real between these two. Or it might all be just an illusion.

"There's definitely some pretty out-there stuff on there, but every so often there's something that seems, I don't know..." "Real?" "Real."

And aside from the spoilery speculation below, I think this might be it. There could be other parallels I'd thought of previously, but as of right now, this is all I can remember. If you made it this far, thanks for reading my inane ramblings. I hope you enjoyed!

Also, shoutouts to @p0m0u and @kitabearuwu for being the inspiration for me falling down the Benlynn rabbit hole and continued inspiration since (we'll see if I can get my Benlynn fic done by tomorrow), especially their posts here, here, here, and here. And special thanks to @p0m0u for letting me use the beautiful gifs she made in this post!

Spoilers for Season 2 Trailers & Promo material under the cut!

Starting from what I feel is the weakest parallel to the strongest:

8. Why are you holding that in your mouth?

When I saw the tweezers or tool or whatever fall from Brooklynn's mouth, I swear I'd seen Ben do something like it before in the show. I tried to scour Season 1 of CT to find it, but to no avail. I then remembered where I'd seen something similar, back in Season 4 of CC. Again, leading with the weakest parallel here, but like the boots, I find it interesting and odd that both of them have held things in their mouths - and these are things that probably shouldn't be held in their mouths - only to drop them at some point during the scene. Ben's out of relief that the BRAD is gone, Brooklynn's potentially by whoever is breaking into her location (if the clips immediately before and after are part of the same scene).

9. You're great and I like you, but...

Given that it looks like we'll have a Darius and Brooklynn flashback finally, I have to wonder, will it play out in a similar vein to the Ben & Yaz moment in S4 of CC? We know that Ben mistook Yaz's interest in getting him away from Kenji & Brooklynn so that Kenlynn could develop as romantic interest. What if we see Brooklynn realize Darius' growing affection for her and makes it clear in a similar way?

I'm not saying we'll get a "Darius, look, you're a great guy and I like you. But I just don't like like you." But possibly something similar.

10. What? You've never seen a ghost before?

We'll see if this turns out to be another 'back from the dead' moment or not, but it has that kind of vibe to me. And I have to credit @p0m0u for pointing it out to me originally. Fingers crossed, it seems like a perfect setup for Ben's line to make a comeback!

And I think that's everything for now!

[lillified]

Just curious, why do you ship Megastar?

[long post incoming, apologies, you activated my sleeper phrase]

Short answer: I like these characters and their potential. I like the idea of them, and I made up new versions because I want to see their dynamic and subtext taken seriously, and not flanderized/made into a meanspirited joke by media that is supposed to be "mature"

Long answer:

when i was watching transformers as a kid i was really interested in the dynamic of two characters who are mean and jaded and instinctively push eachother away, but work extremely well together. i didn't really understand coding yet, but in my interest in the decepticons as an entity with an ideological identity that wasn't just "bad guy" (transformers was like. the first time i really started thinking about deeper meanings and propaganda in media, which probably explains why i am as obnoxious as I am) I was always sad with how megatron and starscream never really got the chance to have their dynamic approached in a different way. in a lot of ways those two are the heart and soul of the decepticons, and I've always thought that putting more care and attention into their relationship and not just writing it off as a cruel plot device would be the first step in having a more nuanced view of the Decepticons as a whole

personally I believe that, in a similar way to batman and the joker, those two have always had a dynamic that kind of blurs the lines, and at times is outright suggested. unfortunately though, like batman and the joker, over time an unwillingness to engage with the reality of that uncomfortable, sort of meanspirited coding just led to the near-sighted stereotyping becoming crueler and more abusive. acknowledging that it exists at all means acknowledging there was that bias, so the "joke" was just repeated until it became the only thing their interactions were really known for. it's an act of flanderization, and that makes me sad

i guess my case in point is--they have a lot of potential that just isn't realized. even in places where their relationship is given depth there's still almost always this really tonally dissonant violence to their interactions that's never unpacked, not really, because how are you going to sell toys of that? moreover, how are you going to make megatron "redeemable" after that? what could be considered strange, poorly executed slapstick in its origin became aesthetically worse and worse, but was never given serious thought--and I think that makes the story, overall, worse! "maturing" the brand didn't make it smarter, it just made an elephant in the room, and now Transformers is so locked in to its decided status quo that we haven't had a different perspective on any of these characters since Animated.

I apologize for the rant, but it's something I think about alot and your question is somewhat related to that. I'm frustrated by how dismissively these characters are written in versions of Transformers that are supposed to "smart" and "mature", I'm frustrated by how that negatively impacts the story, and I'm frustrated by how the people who like these characters can be dismissive of it. I think there's a lot of story potential and thematic insight into the decepticons that can be gained by looking at these two as characters with a history, and not just a bad joke! I think that you can have all the best parts--the sabotage, betrayal, bitterness, and the irony of someone you refuse to trust who still manages to know you better than anyone else, and have that shown through actions and character development, and actually written instead of having to be overscored by unintelligible violence for the sake of being "dark" and reaffirming, in the cheapest way possible, that you're looking at characters who are evil! I want to see that in a story!

my work is honestly not really about what I think transformers IS, or HAS to be, but what I think it has the potential to be, and what my interpretation of the themes means to me. I want to see all of the Decepticons viewed with a different lens, and these two are probably the most important Decepticons, both on a story/thematic level and a cultural one. transformers was the first piece of media I was really consciously critically thinking about, entirely by chance, and in the interest of art and human expression I want to make something different that is interested in being more thoughtful

anyway, sorry again for rambling. I might delete this later to keep my page clean, but I appreciate the question! I'd give more specific examples of why I like the stuff I made up but those would be spoilers.

[sobasluuurp]

Ok. About Tenko.

I understand why so many people are angry that he's dead. I really do. I would've loved for him to live as well. I cried when he died.

However.

Just because he's dead doesn't mean his character has been handled poorly. In fact, all things considered, this ending (even though it makes me real fucking sad) makes the most sense for both his character and his story. Let me explain.

First and foremost, there's the matter of Shigaraki's characterization and arc. It goes without saying, but he's an angry, used, and abused child who grew up into an adult who wants nothing more than for everything to end. His goals have always been destructive to an extreme and honestly, the logical end to "let's destroy it all" is LITERALLY everything, including himself. He's also had absolutely zero agency since the moment his parents even thought of conceiving him, and has been struggling to become his own person since the beginning of his arc. He, against his abuser, who covets immortality and eternity.

What better a way for a person such as himself to assert his agency is there than to go out the way he did? To shift his focus away from the faceless masses and to the (similarly faceless, lol) abuser who caused his pain in the first place? To destroy the control AFO has held over him and prove to him that he was always his own person? To say, this is who you molded me into. And because I am who I am, I will now kill you, and take myself down with you, and be glad for it.

(and in the process, destroy the worldview AFO showed us in the Star and Stripe arc, that the ones who survive are the victors. AFO has completely and eternally lost, but Shigaraki is victorious to his last.)

It's his first moment of complete agency in his life -- acting entirely against anyone else's wishes for himself or his actions. And he uses it to do the one thing he's been itching for his whole life -- to destroy the source of his pain.

It's a negative character arc, in a way. It's not what any of us would've wanted for him. In a perfect world, he would be able to recover and readjust, building a life for himself and his found family in peace. He'd be able to experience life fully for the first time, and see that the world is not so bleak after all.

(I'm choking up just thinking about what's been lost. It's a fucking tragedy.)

But not every character arc gets to end happily. Sometimes people do slip through the cracks. That's always been what Shigaraki's character is about.

....and what every other member of the League's characters have been about.

Because here's the thing. The story of Shigaraki's life and death would be incomplete without his relationship to his found family. He's their leader. Their symbol. Their All Might.

Shigaraki's death is not the grimdark, fuck-the-audience, senseless kind of tragedy. He is a martyr, yes, but the people he stood for will in all likelihood survive. He died for the League. His life -- his existence -- brought them together, gave them purpose, and showed them a bright future. It is my steadfast belief that he will be the only death among the main villains. Because this is a story about saving to win, after all. And given that My Hero doesn't like to kill characters off too often and each one of them still has a path to recovery, I think it's a safe assumption to make. Especially since (especially in Toya's and Toga's cases) each of them had a moment of reconciliation at the end of their fights -- the kind of thing that can help them move forward.

And to be honest, we've known for a very, very long time that BNHA is the kind of anime that likes to turn old cliches on their heads. Kacchan did not become a villain during Kamino. La Brava's literal power of love was not enough to win the battle. Deku fought tirelessly to talk-no-jutsu Shigaraki into redemption, and while he did get through to him, he still couldn't save him after everything that happened. It's nuanced and messy in a way that I've come to expect from BNHA.

So yea, Shigaraki died. But Shigaraki also lived. Despite everything that AFO and Kotoro wanted from him (despite the fact that he was never meant to really be alive in the first place), he lived on his own terms and fought so that the people he cared about would be seen. Because he lived, the old world was destroyed, and from his ashes, a better one can be built. He achieved everything that no one thought he could, and reclaimed his life in the process. What better ending could you ask for a tragic character?

[theelmoarchive]

Sanders Sides theory (rant). I know im mainly a mh acc here but I have thoughts i need to get out there

(just fyi this theory is Roman centric, I know most TSS people nowadays are talking ab Orange and Logan so if Roman's not interesting then continue on 🔥🔥)

(Also slight TW, talking ab the sides "ducking out" and depression themes, so yeah👍👍)

Okay so. I was scrolling through Sanders Sides theories and found that no one seems to have this theory, even though I thought the Roman angst enjoyers like me would be writing this all over the place but. Ig that means I need to talk about it.

I've had this theory for years now, since the day I first watched SVS Redux.

I think Roman is going to duck out.

I dont know if I have to explain why but. I mean, just looking at the explosive end SVS Redux had will tell you a lot.

He doesn't belive Patton when he tells him they love him. He thinks Thomas has lost all faith in him in favor of the person Roman views as the epitome of evil. He's been switching views left and right to stay on Patton's side (because Thomas prides himself on his morals), but he always ends up doing something wrong - he always ends up as an antagonist. He no longer believes that he is the one thing that being has kept him stable since "Am I Original?" - Thomas' hero. The only side he has a stable and positive relationship with is VIRGIL of all people. And tbh that could quickly be ruined too. Logan is second, though, but that's EXTREMELY fragile, as we've seen.

Roman always does something wrong and it will and has sent him over the edge. From Roman's perspective, with a very flawed view of everyone around him, he is inherently the thing that flaws Thomas.

+ Roman is really dramatic obviously, so ofc he would do this.

When you look at Virgil's reasonings for ducking out, it seems plausible after everything Roman has gone through recently, too. I mean like:

"I quit. Decided it wasn't worth it anymore"

Why would Roman keep fighting a battle he knows he will never win?

"Well, It didn’t seemed like I was wanted. You all made that pretty clear any time I showed up."

Again, from Roman's perspective, he is constantly and consistently antagonized.

"If I wanted to stand around being insulted, I would've shown up I would've shown up in person like I usually do."

[same thing]

"I actually think you were right to not want me around."

Roman fears that he is becoming the villain (as we see in SVS, SVS Redux and DWIT).

(In fact, Roman has already said something quite similar to that last one in sentiment.

In SVS Redux, Roman says this, which is pretty funny because of the dramatics and the stupidity, and does get shot down quickly, but I am begging you to listen to him.

"The blame falls to me. If you're missing that do-gooder drive... I think It's because I'm in the driver seat... And I'm an awful driver... Perhaps... Perhaps I should let Patton take the wheel.")

(2nd sidenote to the Virgil quotes, can we talk ab Thomas' acting again I just love how tired Virgil is in AA. He's so. Troubled. I love him.)

WAIT ALSO I FORGOT TO ADD THIS UNTIL I WAS AB TO POST IT-

"I've always aimed to protect you,"

THIS!! First of all his face makes me so sad BUT SECOND OF ALL yeah. Roman core idk what else to say, you get it right.

"I thought I was your hero."

So yeah.

Anyway, I think the episode where Roman does this will be centered around depression. Without Roman, Thomas is depressed. Let me explain this further.

Roman is Thomas' creativity, imagination, ego, passion, love, wills and wants, hopes and dreams, aspirations and enthusiasm.

Without any of that, what is left? A guy who can't even will himself out of bed, but can still feel the nagging voice of reason and logic telling him how unreasonable he's being. A guy who cant will himself to talk to friends, family and loved ones, but can still feel sorrow for letting them down and worrying them. A guy who can't will himself to pursue creative content that he relies on for a living but can still feel anxious about letting millions of people down and never being able to create again. A guy who cant even make food for himself or brush his teeth, but still knows he NEEDS to take care of himself. A guy whose only creativity is activly trying to disturb and scare him.

So yeah thats really awesome idk.

Furthermore, I think the sides might be SEVERELY impacted.

It has been said many times over the series that the sides are purely figments of Thomas' IMAGINATION. so. Without Roman, I doubt anything would be left. Obviously, if Roman does duck out, I don’t think they'd all immediately just cease to exist because an episode still needs to occur, but I find it likely that they'd all start slowly fading or maybe even "malfunctioning", glitching, putting them on a timer to get back Roman and making it far more tense.

Is this theory weird?????? I feel like it's the natural progression TO ME but I've seen no one even getting near this and im just confused ghfhfhfh. Maybe it is kind of weird and im just too much of a Roman enthusiast. SORRY I LOVE ANNOYING WEIRDO FREAKS!!!! AND IF I WAS HIM ID DUCK OUT TOO BECAUSE NO ONE IS APPRECIATING HIM ☹️☹️☹️ EVEN THOUGH HE'S LITERALLY WHAT MAKES THOMAS DO THINGS. 🙄🙄🙄🙄

Anyway.

I also think it fits really well because of Prinxiety's parallels, such as:

(using the ship name just as a duo name because that's what I usually do I am not trying to push the prinxiety agenda although I am a fan of it ghfyfgfh)

"Thanks everyone... Well, almost everyone."

And

"I mean, it's cool to see you all trying to be helpful. Well most if you, but-"

The only difference in these two is obviously that Virgil just silently ducks out, while Roman has the entire "You make us better" speech, probably effectivly saving Virgil and Thomas, because it seems like Virgil was going to insist.

(Also another sidenote that I think everyone will agree with: WE NEED A "YOU MAKE US BETTER" SPEECH BY VIRGIL FOR ROMAN that is all)

Also. Who can forget.

Virgil saying that he tried to "duck out" and then

"That's a thing you can do?"

😐

Do you understand what I'm saying. Do you. Huh.

Okay anyway.

Idk how to end this I feel like theres still more I wanna say but i forgot. In conclusion: prin up that xiety. Reminder that FWSA was real and not a fever dream. I lied this is actually prinxiety propaganda.

But Hey That's Just A Theory. A really quite depressing and sad theory. Thanks for tumbling down a hill with me 🫶

[byuno-o]

PLACEMENTS IN MY NATAL CHART WHICH ARE HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT BUT I'M TRYING

Leo moon in 5th house in 17th degree:

This must come as a no surprise because Leo moons aren't the most practical person in the room, and my Sagittarius side wants practicality all the time. Since I have it in 5th house in a Leo degree, my thoughts and emotions often end up coming out very dramatically- I often appear to become caricaturistic, which often downplays my anger and sadness since I express myself so dramatically. However, the depth of my feelings and emotions often causes me to lose my footing from within, as I go haywire trying to make sense of self and pin point the part which actually triggered me. But on the brighter side, I have often been called, "creative" and my art has been praised a lot so, I get happy sometimes. I deal with the negative feelings alone, but my face and actions often give it all up. One friend of mine actually point out that no matter what, I can never hide my disappointments and judgements and jealousy because of my who demeanour changes whenever I am feeling those feelings. And "lighting up the room" expression is very true for Leo placements, for I've been told that phrase personally very much. And I brag unintentionally (like now! God I hate it.)

2) Jupiter and Saturn Conjuction in 2nd house, but both of the planets are in retrograde:

First of all, my Jupiter is in Gemini, so this year is my Jupiter Return. And boy, am I feeling it. I don't think this is talked enough in astrology circle, but for females, Jupiter symbolises husband, and once you are well aware of the seriousness of institution of marriage, your Jupiter Return may bring a strong sense of wanting to get married.(I WILL WRITE ABOUT IT SOON! I NEED TO PUT IT OUT!!!)

So, since I have my Jupiter and Saturn in retrograde, the good things this rare conjuction brings are not good things for me. Since Jupiter is in the detriment, and Saturn is, well, in a nicer sign (I am using it loosely), I often deal with financial crunches and financial abundance abruptly. It's is never a stable thing, although I think this is my lesson. I used to get lucky a lot back when I was in school, given that I have Jupiter in 3rd house, and money easily came to me. But once, I entered into the adult world, bet conjuction was not and is not conjuction-ing the way it should be conjuction-ing. Luck isn't by my side as it used to be, and proving myself in the field I work in is an everyday challenge. But on the brighter side, I was always saved in the nick of the time. And the things I need always find me at the right time, although the things that I want need me to work harder than I do. Lemme know if you have this placement, and let's connect!

3) Mars in Libra in 7th house in 25 degree:

This is a detriment that I absolutely cannot look past. Since I have mars in the house of external relationships and in Aries degree, I appear catty and aggressive even when I don't want to--it's almost inbuild. And when I try to appear nice and quiet, guess what? I've told that I fake myself, and well, I look like I am cursing someone inside. And, I think that can also be seen in the way I write, since my friends had often asked me if I am annoyed or angry after reading my texts and whatnot. However, Libra does not help me. Since I take a long time to get angry, my actions don't help me--I appear passive-aggressive and just emotional all the time. I wish to master this placement, just to save all my relationships. Bwahahahaha.

4) Lilith in Aquarius in 11th house:

I think you already know the problems I might be having with this placement. I don't think people talk about this much, but whoever has Lilith in Aquarius or Lilith in 11th house always deals with friends turning on them, and feeling, or made to feel like an outcast most of the time. The more unique you appear, the more people pull away from you. Now add this placement with my Mars in Libra in the house of external relationships and Leo Moon in the house of creativity. I have always dealt with people who constantly put me down whenever it came to my creativity and ideas. There were even times, when my most trusted friends backstabbed me left and right. But then again, I'd rather be unique and alone than follow the herd and live in the constant fear of not mixing well enough.

5) Jupiter trine Neptune:

Now, let me tell you, this is one of those placements which can give you the best results only if the person can control the energy of their Neptune placements, since it is works with illusions, addiction, unbridled creativity and spirituality. And those stuff need proper guidance for successful channeling, for those are double-edge swords. So, now combining my retrograde Jupiter which is in detriment with Neptune in Aquarius in 11th house. Just know, my twisted luck is very much connected with the feeling of loneliness, but the thing is--I tend to internalise it. while I can connect with people easily, and creativity do come to me rather easily (not bragging), I tend to not connect with another soul in the level I would like it. My ramblings are taken lightly, and my ideas are often crushed. And the feeling of inferiority complex, and failure hit me harder than anything--if we combine Leo moon together with this placement, let me tell you, I tend to go numb, I even fail to speak for like days, until I isolate myself and work on my creativity. For me, I am strongly against addictions, but there was a time when I was heavily smoking, and I was kind of addicted to looking for validation from others, which only worsened my relationship with self and other souls. I hope to become a better person, though. And, this year is like a fountain of youth for me, for I feel alive again, and all the roads I've regretted taking have actually brought me to peace (that is until the next chapter of my life decides to test me).

So, that's it. I don't think any of these placements are wrong or bad or even negative. I just feel like these placements are harder for me to work with since there's many lessons associated with these, and I need to fall in order to stand up and fly.

So, do let me know what you think of this, and should I make a list of placements I love in my natal chart next? Drop by, I'd love to know more.

Also, thank you very much for the love you all are showing me. I am beyond grateful!!

[orange-demons-deactivated2024]

2 year 'Hiatus'

(long post/rambling)

Hello everyone! The day's finally come for me to start my 2-year hiatus.

I'll be starting school tomorrow, July 1st, from 8am - 5pm Mon-Fri. (Full time). So there won't be many opportunities for me to keep constantly posting here all the time.

I want to personally thank you all for welcoming me into the Street Fighter fandom and for taking the time out of your day to interact with my blog.

I never thought I would become a fanfic writer again after so many years of not writing and to meet so many of you throughout my stay here.

With my first fic, Mount, I was nervous about people not caring about it and for it to be lost in the Street Fighter algorithm because I joined the fandom so late. (March 2024). And originally, I planned to make that my only fanfic and call it a day. But after I got my first comment I was over the moon.

Then slowly I had people liking and following this side blog where I dumped all my random reblogs on. And that's when I realized, there were people still out there loving these characters as much as I did despite the slow traction on the street fighter dash.

So that's when I decided to make this random side blog into a SF6 fanfic blog.

I started to write strictly Bosch x Reader's in the beginning because he was the reason why I joined this space in the first place. Then I wrote for Luke, then Poison, then Ed, then Jamie, then at last Chun-Li. I learned to love characters that I first didn't give a second thought about and I learned more info. about some SF characters I wasn't aware of before.

Then my blog went from 0 followers to 38! Holy smokes, 38 people really cared enough to follow and read my ramblings? That's crazy. I never even expected to have 1 follower much less 38.

My favorite part about writing for this fandom was interacting with everyone in the comment section/reblogs. I enjoy talking to you all and writing silly blurbs whenever we get too into the hcs. Really, it makes my day better when I see people commenting and giving love to my works.

And to be 100% honest with you all, I was originally going to start including a lot more X Fem!Reader Inserts because I am a Cis Woman who never wrote for any other genders but Fem! ones. But seeing how little fanfics there were, I thought it would be unfair for me to exclude the other side of the SF6 fandom that wouldn't be able to enjoy any reader inserts because of their gender.

So I'm glad I didn't go that route because I got to find ways to be more inclusive in my writings without mentioning the reader's Skin/Gender/Appearance in any of them and to keep them gender-neutral.

And as a reminder, this blog is the first time for me to write this way, so if you guys think that some of my works sound Fem! based please tell me so I could fix it. Because the last thing I want is for people to tell me I'm more biased for my female audience.

I don't know If you guys knew this, but it kinda broke my heart when I found out I was accepted to this school. Granted, I've been trying to get in for 4 years.

But I honestly didn't think I would've gotten in this year because I thought I bombed my 5-panel interview with the school and they only accepted the top 25 people in my area.

I even started to make plans to work a full-time job somewhere else, take Muay Thai classes, write more fics, and give up on my dreams of ever becoming an X-ray tech. But then I got a phone call on my birthday saying I made it in!

I was overwhelmed with happiness for all my efforts getting into this school after so long. I felt like I was running behind all my peers who already graduated and got their careers started compared to me. But now I get to finally start mine and do what I've always wanted to do and to help people.

Then, I was hit with a wave of sadness because I barely dipped my toes into the Street Fighter fandom and now I'm already leaving. All my ideas for future fics, including the ones rotting in my drafts, may never see the light of day. I was really sad for everything to come to an abrupt end for something that barely even started.

What's going to happen to this blog?

To be frank with you all, I still REALLY want to post SF fics but I know that it probably won't be possible with my schedule for the next 2 years.

I do get a 1-2 week break every 3 months for my school so y'all might see something pop up in the SF6 feed every once in a while. I’ll mostly be writing on my terms and I won’t be answering anyone’s asks. But it's not guaranteed you will.

Plus, I bought the game, so it's not like I'm just gonna drop SF6 out of my life completely. I'll post things here and there that are not fics and maybe tiny drabbles in my free time but it's still up in the air if I will. You'll see me being active on here but not in the same way that you usually do.

Now that I'm transitioning to going to school full-time, I'm nervous about what's to come out of everything, since I've been looking forward to this day since I graduated high school.

I also want to thank you all for sending your requests in. They helped me learn where my writing was strongest and where I needed to improve.

I tried to get through all of your asks as best as I could but I believe there are 2 left in my inbox as of now. I’m sorry I wasn’t the best at being consistent and I hope to get those out as soon as I can.

Thank you all again, for making my time here memorable and I hope to keep posting more SF6 content in the future.

And please continue to support other fanfic writers in the Street Fighter fandom like:

@ruthlesscore

@chqolan

@randobisexual

@luvlyycy

@cosmichorrorsarestillnicerthanme

@scarletcoral13

@rosewood-writes-and-reviews

[ailoveuu]

Hello, and welcome to a series that I would like to call "what does an anti have to say", in which I watch a bunch of anti-proship videos to see if they can turn me into an anti!

Today, we are going to be watching "An Ex Proshippers advice" by Loki ZeGaymer. I found this video through someone on here (tamarahtalkstv), so major thanks to them for even making their own post about this and inspiring this whole thing.

Will I stop being anti harassment? Will I give up on blocking content I don't like?? Am I going to stop shipping bad ships (even though I keep it to myself 9/10 and have only mentioned my comships twice on this account)??? Will this be my last post before deactivating???? Let's find out together!

An obvious disclaimer, because the fact that I have to say this fucking sucks: don't harass this person. Being proship is all about being anti harassment, and if you can't be a decent human being over fiction, you are the issue. We are all humans, treat each other as such.

One of the first things that becomes obvious right off the bat, that actually gives this video so much more credibility than most others, is that this person used to be a proshipper! This is a very common rhetorical device, known as ethos. Believe me, I hate ethos, pathos, and logos discussions, but they exist for a reason. The fact that this person used to be a proshipper is them saying that they have experience with such things and can understand what they're talking about, in a way. They say both in the video and in the caption that they used to be a proshipper, so if you'd actually want to see how antis think, this could be helpful since they've been on both sides.

Although, an odd thing that seemed to show right after is the story of how they became a proshipper. The claim that they got groomed into proshipping is a common one, and I'm not surprised. Believe it or not, fiction can be used to spread ideas and connect to vulnerable individuals. My initial issue with this is that this wording, that they were groomed into proshipping, acts like proshipping in general is what caused this. Any type of fiction, even "legal" fiction, can lead to this.

I've had people in their 20's say that if they were my age, they'd have a crush on me. We met through harmless roleplaying. I was in a toxic relationship with someone I met through roleplaying, who happened to be an anti. Off topic, but I'm starting to think that roleplaying is the issue...but you get my point. Any and all type of fiction can be used against people. I know that toxic ex of mine did use "legal" fiction against me, and that's just how it is. Fiction can be used for malicious purposes. Any and all types.

(Also, jfc their ex sounds awful. Idgaf that they were 16-17, wdym you groomed a 14 y/o while in an online cult??? Ik this is about proshipping, but I genuinely hope they've recovered from this. Again, I speak from experience, that ex deserves to go to hell and back - and I'm the least religious person on this planet.)

Now, I'm gonna paraphrase, bc I don't wanna rewatch the clips 6383 times in order to get the exact quote. At 3:03, their claim is that "I've been groomed by multiple people, all of whom were proshippers. This contradicts their claim that fiction doesn't affect reality." All I'm gonna say, is that people who think fiction DOESN'T affect reality are stupid.

I feel giddy when I read cute fanfiction, I cry over sad scenes, I use it to cope! Fiction is affecting my reality, because I have let it. Fiction is affecting my reality, but not on a 1:1 basis. I'm a huge horror fan, I've been like that since about 3rd/4th grade. By this logic though, I'm a mass murderer, abuser, cult leader, and overall the embodiment of evil. Last time I checked, I've never killed a person.

At 3:39, they begin to talk about getting doxxed. I'm starting to think this person is like, my long lost twin bc I also got doxxed a while back, but not for being a proshipper. Ironically enough, that is exactly why they got doxxed. I haven't moved on past this part, but I'm going to make a prediction: I'm hoping that they say that this was wrong, they nobody deserves this, and that this is something that antis shouldn't do no matter how wrong proshipping may be. Was I right? Well...

Uh they didn't mention it at all past that. They didn't like, say "that's wrong", but instead they mention that they got therapy, and thank goodness for that! Idc that they're an anti, getting groomed and doxxed is not something you go through and be completely fine after. They say that they got therapy specifically for the abuse and not for the comshipping, which I agree with, esp since my own therapist agrees that people do use comshipping as a way to cope.

4:12, and now we're moving onto the whole anti-harassment claim. Oh no.

I haven't moved past that as of writing this part, but I'm willing to bet that they're gonna say "you can't be anti harassment and a groomer" which I agree with. Although that's just common sense. I don't think that it'll be worded right though because that'll just continue that idea that ALL proshippers are groomers, which this video literally contracts because I have faith that this person wasn't a groomer ever, esp not as a proshipper.

"They claim to be anti harassment while invalidating my trauma and misgendering my best friend." So that's a false claim and does not represent every proshipper...many proshippers are trans and use comshipping to cope with their trauma. If they're doing this while doing what you've claimed them to be doing then they'd be hypocritical. I am very lucky to have not experienced that myself, and I've never seen a proshipper harass anybody, but I don't doubt they exist.

"Even if someone is a proshipper, you shouldn't be harassing them; especially if they're a minor" common sense we love to see it <3

"Just stop and seek some help. It's not that hard to seek therapy." but for some it IS HARD. The fact that I can go to therapy and get treated for my anxiety is a privilege that so many do not have. Do NOT act like therapy is so easily accessible. For many, it is not. They said the same thing at the end for adults as well...

We don't blame horror movie directors for people being inspired by their movies to commit murder. Why is it a proshippers fault when someone thinks pedophilia and incest is okay? I know many people who write and create that type of content will explicitly state that they're against it irl.

So, that's just a bunch of yapping... what's my actual thoughts on this?

In my opinion, while this person is very, very brave for sharing their story, and I can only hope that they've managed to recover from everything that happened, I cannot help but disagree. A singular story is not going to convince many people that they're in the wrong, especially when the video was marketed as "advice" and the only thing said was "get help".

In the beginning, they said they didn't know they were a proshipper, which explains why they're even using the term proship in the first place! Proship is "don't like don't read" and being anti harassment. What they're discussing is comshipping, and not every comship is bad. It could literally just be mortal x immortal. Yup, that's a comship!

tldr: i was not convinced. this person was respectful, and I'm very glad, however I do not agree with this opinion. this video seems like it was made for antis rather than existing proshippers, as their advice was lackluster. I rate it a 4/10, and I am still a proshipper.

[spacerockfloater]

Hi.

It's so disheartening to see how a big chunk of TG turned on Aemond and Alicent and only support Aegon now. I deeply dislike most of the writing decisions this season, but people seem to forget that these decisions didn't harm only Aegon's character, but also Aemond, Alicent and Criston's, I would say even more than Aegon's. Nevertheless, after the last week episode I've seen a lot of TG hate directed towards Alicent and Aemond that reminded me of TB discourse and it's just sad.

I would love to hear your opinion on this. Thanks in advance.

Hello there friend! Thank you so much for sending me this ask!

Sigh. This is such a complicated issue. As a fellow TG supporter said recently in one of my posts, us turning against the Targtowers and hating them was exactly what Ryan Condal wanted.

They accidentally made them too sympathetic and righteous in the first season, so they had to ruin them to remind the public of whom they are supposed to hate. It’s sickening.

Alicent’s whole journey was about understanding that she needs to be more fierce and demanding to help her family survive. The first season ended with her being ruthless and ready to sacrifice everything for her children. But now she has regressed back to herself from the first half of S1, a scared little girl that doesn’t have the guts to do what must be done and loses all hope the moment the first tragedy comes her way.

Aegon’s whole journey was him overcoming his bullying tendencies and genuinely supporting his brother and his family. He may have initiated the pink dread incident but when his mother told him to cut the bullshit and stop acting like his nephews are his friends, he had no problem knocking Jace to the floor during practice. He stood tall when his brother was disabled and refused to name his mother as the one who spread the rumour(!) of Nyra’s children being bastards. He spoke his truth with his whole chest. Years later, the moment Aemond rose to answer to Lucerys’s mockery, he was right beside him, toasting with him and smashing Luc’s head on the table. And finally, when everyone turned on Aemond for taking his revenge, it was Aegon who demanded Aemond remain in his council, because that was his brother, his best sword and he wanted him there, even if their mother could not bare to look at him. Aegon rose to the occasion and was ready to become a better person, he seemed to genuinely want to serve his subjects. He loved nothing more in the world than his son and his death tore him apart. But suddenly, next episode he has forgotten all about it and is back at bullying Aemond again? That’s just none-sense. All that character development for nothing.

I did feel like Aemond burning his brother alive went from 0 to 100 real quick. He already got his lick back when he made a fool of Aegon in front of his own council. Aemond is a calculating person. He would know that talking Aegon out of the way would cause more harm than good.

Their relationship has been destroyed. Every TG member hates the others. Ultimately, I think we just have to accept this is bad writing and let go of the show because yikes.

However, if we want to discuss show canon, we should keep the characters accountable for their actions and unfortunately, I am displeased with all of them except from Criston. I’ll keep supporting Aegon, Aemond and Alicent but I must also criticise them for the things that they do if I want to be fair.

That being said, I can see why Alicent is horrified by Aemond’s actions. I can see why people think Aemond went too damn far. At the same time, I can see that Aemond would never just sit down and accept being abused. Add to that his not so secret desire to be king, and you can see why he wouldn’t think twice about turning his brother to ashes.

All in all, I think that every opinion is justified and that we must wait for the new episode to air (Aemond’s interactions with Aegon and Alicent are essential) for some additional insight on the incident of Rook’s Rest.

[scrubbinn]

Slime HRT: 12 months “Nice meeting you”

“Well hello there. I don’t know who’ll be listening to these recordings. That odd doctor perhaps? Well… Hello! I am Mayday Mulberry. I think. I don’t actually remember. It's a long story. Perhaps we should start at the beginning. I woke up one morning in a hospital bed with a nice doctor looking over me with a sorrowful face. There were a few people crying by my side, and some tried hugging me. I really didn’t like the feeling of being hugged, but I felt like they needed it. They gave me so many interesting items and told me they belonged to me. They practically shoved them into my hands, and each time they asked me to remember anything about it. I never did remember, all it did was make my head hurt and gave me an awful sense of guilt. I suppose a lot of people liked the person I used to be. But I'm not exactly sure how I can become this person again. I don't feel like Mayday, perhaps I shouldn't try to be. Perhaps I should avoid referring to myself as Mayday for the moment.”

“The doctor said I would need to make these recordings of my journey every month in order to continue my transition. I was told I was originally human, and slowly became a slime. I can’t say I really understand it, but every time I see myself in a mirror, I become so happy, yet so sad. I asked the people here to remove the mirror after a while. Seeing the human bits of me still clinging on like ragged clothing. It hurts in a way I don’t think I’ll ever understand. Becoming a slime is the only way to fix that pain. That is simply something I know for a fact. Maybe the previous me knew why, I truly wish I had the chance to ask her.”

“Forgive me, I'm a bit beside myself. I know I should be marking down the changes I've been experiencing, but it's not exactly easy to spot the changes of a body I don't know. All I've ever known is change. Am I going to notice when this heart isn't human anymore? Well, I guess it never was. It's not in a slime’s nature to reflect on the past. We simply drag ourselves forward, perpetually stuck in the simple present. Perhaps I'll start acting like that as time goes on. I think it would be rather nice not to worry so much about the past. Right, physical changes, that is what this recording is about, another thing slimes are not good at is focusing, haha… I was given some photos of mysel- Ms. Mulberry from a month ago. Most of this body's skin has been covered in goo since then. Some of the cloudy sections have cleared up, and muscle fibers are visible underneath. It would seem the skin underneath has dissolved or transformed to the slime biomass. The only parts not covered are the upper neck and face, with the chest area still clouded as I wait for the skin to fully disappear. I am able to poke through this layer and touch the muscles underneath. A thoroughly unpleasant experience that I do not wish to do again. My fingers and part of the hand now have a new layer of “skin” over the slime. This new layer is waxy and smooth. It bubbles up like bar soap and can be stretched like taffy. Though putting it back into place is, rather difficult. Perhaps I'll be able to control it one day, being able to stretch into all manner of shapes is a pleasant thought. The new layer is certainly living tissue, or the equivalent of such a thing for a slime, so moving it is within the realm of possibilities. I'm able to feel things through it, and with skin this smooth, almost every surface feels like silk, but changing the texture of my fingers is currently impossible. Perhaps one day, mimicking the textures of nearby objects will be possible as well, and with color changing, I would be able to camouflage anywhere I went. But sadly, it seems that is a mere pipe dream for now.”

I might have also done something rather, well, mostly… almost definitely… completely rash. Curiosity, another trait common among slimes, got the better of me and had me take a knife and whittle a small piece off the new skin. Just to see its composition of course!! But, well, it certainly hurt that's for sure. But, this is a brand new medication, and science stops for nothing, therefore it's in everyones’ best interests to gain as much knowledge as possible about it! So now, I have a small piece of waxy skin, and I'm currently waiting to deliver it to Dr. Erian tomorrow. It's only in hindsight that I realize, perhaps this hair would have been a better sample. Then again, I'd prefer to not think about this mess on my head any longer than I need to.

This hair can only be called a handful. Based on the journals I've read, it would seem I- er, Ms. Mulberry! Didn't see much of a point in proper hair care, nor chose to describe it in great detail either. Every morning I find myself spending half an hour reshaping the entire thing. Sleeping on a pillow seems to compress it to the point where it's completely flattened to one side. I've become a ball of clay, slapped down on a table. It moves like small strands of sand but removing it hurts just like plucking a human hair. I guess the best description of it would be something similar to soap shavings. It used to be much more gel-like but has hardened to solid bits, and unfortunately it most likely will not be controllable like the rest of me. There's no feeling to it besides the connection to the scalp. If anything I’m finding it more a pain than euphoric, but removal at this point wouldn't help all that much. At least it's better than shedding human hair everywhere.

“There have been, other, changes too. Less pleasant ones. I was told before I first woke up that I experienced debilitating headaches nearly everyday, even to the point of fading from consciousness. This fading, soon passed as my new core had fully formed. A stomach-like organ that sends its roots through this body in order to better control it. Organic matter is siphoned through it like a funnel, then spitting out new biomass to rebuild the body. However, the dreadful problem of these pulsating headaches has persisted. It would seem this problem will no longer dissipate on its own. Consultations with the doctor of this care facility or Dr. Erian has proved unhelpful in resolving this. Any pain medicine no longer works and has only caused more problems. It feels as though my perception is loosening nearly everyday. I wonder in fear and excitement what my mind will become in the coming months.

“Now then back to the physical changes. Let’s see here, Ah yes, let’s talk about-

“Hey, are you free right now?”

“Oh, hello Sweetie. I’m recording right now for the doctor. I’ll set it aside for now. Do you need something?”

“How are you feeling? Is… your memory back? I found some more pictures of us to see if it helps.”

“No, I still don’t remember anything, I apologize for not being able to recognize your face, but I’d rather not look at old photos, I can’t stand seeing those old faces. We'll just have to be patient and wait for these memories to come back. So please… Please just be patient.”

“I don't know how much longer I can wait. I basically watched you die. I, I... I miss you hun.”

“I'm sure she misses you too. Now then, I have a recording to finish. Goodbye...”

“...Resuming recording in 3, 2… Other changes, other changes... Ugh. My memory is completely shot now! Great, absolutely fantastic. Sigh, perhaps lunch is in order. Recording over for now. I’ll finish the rest later. Maybe. If I remember.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Start - Prev - Next

Mention list: @a-shramp, @calliecwrites, @be702

[jinnie-ret]

ep.1: meet the wives

ratings: fluff

warnings: small mentions of ADHD, cancer, death, body size, cheating

running time: 1.5k words

summary: the brides to be gather and meet each other for their hen party, before they get married.

SKZ MAFS EPISODE LIST

MAIN MASTERLIST

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Hi!!! I'm Aurora, but most people call me Rori, I'm 25 and I've been single for 2 years," Aurora grinned toothily at the camera as she introduced herself.

"I joined this experiment because I just want to meet someone who makes me feel safe, you know?" her tone has shifted to more of a sad one, but from the way she presented herself you could tell she was good at hiding that side of her.

"I've definitely had some experiences before that have changed who I was as a person, and it's not a nice feeling at all, it's dreadful," Aurora admitted, hinting at something else that must have affected her, eyes unable to look into the camera anymore, or even the person asking the questions to her.

"These past 2 years I think I've really grown as a person, like massive personal growth. I've managed to come out of that time where things were darker, and I just want a husband that will help me see the lighter times too."

"I moved to South Korea from the UK not too long after my previous relationship, and I now work as a nurse! It's a really rewarding job, long hours, but so rewarding. I think it's important my husband cares about hard work too, and yeah."

"Yeah, my family thinks I'm absolutely insane for joining this process, of course they do!" Dallas giggled and covered her mouth as she threw her head back, just imagining and remembering the looks her family gave her when she told them she was going on a show where she'd be marrying a stranger.

"Hi, I'm Dallas! I'm only 21, but, I had been in a relationship for 5 years. I think obviously I've changed since I was a kid, I'm a woman now, and I think now that I'm a woman I need a man," she shrugged her shoulders lightly with a small smile, almost becoming shy at admitting what she wanted in a husband.

"Someone who... is quite calm in their nature, I'd say. Sometimes my brain feels too busy, I do have ADHD and that can sometimes be quite overwhelming. So I think I want someone that'll calm me down but also accept who I am, yeah," she explained as the camera panned to her knee jolting up and down from ner seat.

"For my job I actually have my own little flower shop, and I don't think I'd rather be doing anything else. Some people say to me it must get boring but there's so many stories with the people I meet and why they want to buy their flowers and-" she cut herself off.

"I'm rambling, aren't I? To put it simply, yeah it's a small business, but I love it. I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Hi, I'm Sienna! I've never had a boyfriend before, so, yes, coming onto a show where I'm going to have a husband, it's, umm, how you say? Crazy, haha. Why am I here? Haha," Sienna's Polish accent came through as she spoke, adding some charm to her.

"I just think... The male figures in my life are very important to me. I remember the day I was told my father had cancer, that was the day I learnt he was going to die from it..." she bravely admitted, eyes welling up with tears. The screen showed her grabbing a tissue.

"Sorry can I have a moment?" she sniffled, holding her hand up to block the view of her getting upset.

"He always told me to think with my heart, and I think that's something that will stick with me forever. I know he won't be there the day I get married, but I've got a part of him with me always," she spoke gently of her father's warm advice.

"I think I can come across as quite closed off, I am training to be a lawyer, so I feel like I have to look at things quite unbiased, but with love... I'm not sure how it will go. I think I just want someone who will accept me for me, you know?"

"This is 100% the right place for me to be. I want love, I need it. I'm done living my lonely girl era. I mean that era was a whole year but let me tell you it was a long year," Octavia admitted as she sheepishly shrugged her shoulders.

"I've been in and out of relationships a lot, and they've never really matched me. It always left me thinking, maybe I was too much for them to handle?"

"I just want someone cheeky who will match my humour, that's a big thing for me. Someone who is ambitious too, yeah that's important for me as well," she nodded, describing her ideal type.

"I'm a model, I travel quite a lot for different shoots or campaigns so I hope that my husband is someone who could handle that, and cope with my busy lifestyle."

"Hi, I'm Valentina! I'll say it how it is, plain and simple like that. I work in sales, it's not the most interesting job I'll be honest, but it pays the bills, haha," she laughed, tossing her over her shoulder and giving a 'help me' look to the camera jokingly.

"I just live for the Fridays where me and my girls can go to the bar at the end of a long day and do a bit of karaoke. I have been told I have quite a good voice, not to brag," Valentina smirked.

"What do I want in a husband? I need someone who can handle my fieriness, someone who will accept me for me."

"I think people look at me a certain way, I'm not a prude, but I want my fairytale. My parents have been together for 40 years now, they're so important to me. My family is my world. So, as ambitious as it may sound, I want to have my fairytale in this experiment."

"Hi, I'm Tanaka! All I know is old people, fish, and the sea. You don't get a lot of people my age near the village I live," she introduced herself.

"I'm from Japan but live near the beach in Uljin! I'm looking for love, and I don't quite know what that will look like yet but I need something to fill the void," there was a pause as she spoke seriously, before she chuckled and leant back into her chair, "too deep?"

"I work at an aquarium, people come in with their kids, it's definitely something I want one day... Even if I can't carry them myself."

"I want my husband to understand me I think, which will be hard because I don't fully understand myself. But maybe they'll bring a different side out of me? Who knows haha... I'm looking forward to it."

"I'm Taniyah! I need a man that can handle a big girl-" Taniyah gave a cute look to the camera and looked it up and down as if she was flirting with whoever was watching. The camera quickly cut.

"Is that too much?" she giggled heartily, her hand habitually resting on her chest as she did so.

"Guys I've been with in the past... They've only wanted to get with me because they're curious of what it's like to be with someone plus size... They almost, how you say it? Fetish? They don't care about who I really am, deep down. And that's been a huge problem for me my whole dating life, it's really held me back."

"I work as a therapist, mainly with teens, and I go into schools and talk to them and just really help get down to the roots of their problems."

"I think I want someone who is caring and a good listener, because they're things I strive to be too, so yeah, I need a man that'll match my energy. Just wait til he sees me in full glam too, the boy won't be able to keep his hands off of me!" Taniyah cheered, clicking her fingers.

"Korea is very different to India let me tell you that," Ishani said in wonder, before adding on quietly with a small smile, "I like it."

"I came onto this show because the last time I was in a relationship I got cheated on, very badly, and I want someone who I can rely on all the time. I don't even have to know what they're doing, I just need a trustworthy person to be my husband, because then I won't have to worry."

"I do work as a vet, so I get to see animals quite a lot. It really is my dream job, I feel so lucky. I trust the animals more than men sometimes I can't lie. They're better listeners!" Ishani's eyes lit up as she spoke passionately of her job.

"I think what I also want out of the experiment is personal growth too. I've kept myself to myself for far too long, and I want someone to help bring things out of me I didn't know were there."

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